U UP?
So remember back in the old days – like last year – when you were in the mood for a booty call and all you had to do was send a simple “u up?” text??
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Are you now prefacing your “u up” text with a COVID questionnaire? – have you come into contact with anyone with Covid-19? Have you been out of the country in the last 4 weeks? Do you have a cough, fever, shortness of breath, or any other symptoms possibly related to Coronavirus?
Just kidding please don’t do that. We’d much rather you start with virtual dating than put you at risk or risk turning a new partner off completely.
But to make these new connections, we’re having to reexamine our strict “no sexting” policy? If you can’t have real casual sex in today’s world, can you have virtual sex?
Today we called in Taylor Andrews – sex & relationship editor at Cosmopolitan Magazine! She’s here to give us the new rules on romance in 2020 and tell us about the trends that have come across her desk and her forthcoming book Cosmo’s Fantasy Sex Games.
Disclaimer: We don’t get too graphic in this episode but we do talk about sexting and the book Cosmo’s Fantasy Sex Games soooo, now you can’t say you weren’t warned.
But first, we dish!
DATING DISH (1:28)
The Universities with the best dating scene
StuDoc has found that Utah Valley University, Brigham Young University, California State University Fullerton, Northeastern University, and University of Virginia have the best dating scenes. It might surprise you to know that BYU was actually the student population that popularized Tinder! This is relevant to you and your dating life. Damona explains why.
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Are you sexy?
There is now actual proof that if you feel hot (read: aroused), you are more likely to find the confidence to make a date happen. Damona breaks it down.
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Stars, they’re just like us
Drew Barrymore shares that she, too, gets stood up by random dudes on dating apps. WTF?
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SAFE SEXTING TIPS (11:00)
Everything you need to know about safe sexting from Cosmopolitan Magazines very own, Taylor Andrews!
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We discuss:
- Why right now is definitely the best time to date
- Sexting, how do you do it?
- Hookup advice
- Did we take a peek at Chris Evans’ dick pic??? Maybeeee…
- Sexy Fantasies
Pre Order your copy of Cosmo’s Fantasy Sex Games Here! https://amzn.to/3cA3jsN
Make sure to check out Taylor’s work in Cosmopolitan Magazine for all the juicy news!
TECHNICALLY DATING (29:40)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- Email: I am 39 years old and have been on dating apps for 13 years. I haven’t been physical with someone in over 3 years. Someone asked me to come over sat night for drinks, bonfire, and sex and I’m wondering if I should just go for it? I’m worried I’ll catch feelings.
- Women’s Group: I met a guy on Hinge a few months ago. We’ve had 2 socially distanced dates in person and everything seemed to be going great. We both got really busy with work, but he said “if we want more we have to see each other more and talk more”. I agreed but since then he’s been distant. I set a date with him for dinner, but when I called him to make a plan he didn’t answer and hasn’t called since. Should I try again to make this happen or is it over/?
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:00
Hello lovers, it’s Dimona. I have a new goal of reaching 10,000 more hopeful romantics before the end of 2020. But I need your help. There are three quick and free ways to support the show and spread the message of love. Number one, subscribe. Okay, look at your phone right now. And tap the subscribe button if you’re not subscribed already. And then you’ll get every episode The minute it goes live. Number two, rate and review. If you’re liste ning on Apple podcasts, go ahead and scroll all the way down to the bottom where it says ratings and reviews. Then click as many of those five stars as you want. Maybe five if you’re feeling frisky, and then you can even click write a review to tell everyone why you listen. And number three, share tell your friends about us. Click the three dots by this episode and dm it to a friend who needs to hear this advice. do three and keep dates and mates free for eight more seasons. And we can reach our goal together of healing those 10,000 hearts. Hey, Hey, Hey, welcome to dates and mates. So remember back in the old days, like last year, when you were in the mood for a booty call and all you had to do was send a simple you up text. Now are you processing your uop text with a COVID questionnaire like have you come into contact with anyone with COVID-19? Have you been out of the country in the last four weeks? Do you have a cough fever, shortness of breath or any other symptoms possibly related to Coronavirus? kidding. I’m kidding. I’m kidding. Do not do that. Please. I would much rather you start with virtual dating then put you at risk or risk turning off a new partner completely. But to make these new connections, I’m having to re examine my strict no sexting policy. If you can have real casual sex in today’s world, can you have real virtual sex? Today, I called in Taylor Andrews, sex and relationship editor at Cosmo magazine. She’s here to give us the new rules on romance in 2020. And tell us about the trends that have come across her desk and her forthcoming book, the cosmos fantasy sex games. First though, we got to get you all up to speed on what’s going on in the news. We reveal the universities with the best dating scene. And will you really look sexier? If you feel sexier? Plus stars they’re just like us. Drew Barrymore reveals her big dating app debacle. Then at the end of the show, I will answer your questions including I need intimacy, but I’m worried I’ll catch feelings. And is he busy? Or just not that into me? disclaimer folks. We don’t get to graphic In this episode, but we do talk about sexting. And of course the book Cosmos fantasy sex games. So now you can’t say that you weren’t warned. Let’s dish Our first story actually comes to us from Stu docu which is an online platform with study tools for students. They surveyed over 100,000 students from 15,000 universities to find the schools with the liveliest dating scene and some of the top five might surprise you. Number one was Utah Valley University. Number two was Brigham Young University number three, Cal State Fullerton where I have spoken before number four, Northeastern University, and number five University of Virginia. I don’t even have to look at all the results to know that my own college didn’t make the cut because the dating scene there was dead.
But here’s what’s really interesting, Brigham Young University for those of you who have been listening to the show for a while, you know that this is not the first time that I’ve highlighted Brigham Young University in a dating dish. Because back in 2013, this school, which has a high number of Mormon students, a big Mormon population was actually the school that put Tinder on the map. And here on dates and mates in 2013, you could hear me talk about how this new app was taking the dating world by storm. And it was sort of launched there at Brigham Young. And so it wasn’t actually even a hookup app, as a lot of people were saying in the beginning. They did seed it at a lot of universities, and it really took off at Brigham Young. And they even reported later that year in 2013, that it had led to a number of marriages of people who had matched on Tinder and then moved into serious relationships and become engaged with even just a few months. So I totally buy the stew doc you survey I will put a link to it in the show notes. But I would say if you want to know what’s going on dating and relationships, you should probably figure out what’s going on at Brigham Young University. There’s more news that’s fit to print, psychologists have been examining something that’s called the biased perception of romantic success. What they mean by that is this idea that when you feel sexy, you will be considered sexy by other people. And, you know, we you’ve probably heard me say that on the show before, I’m sure lots of dating experts say like, you know, you feel good, then you’ll look good. It’s, it’s, it’s a mindset. You know, mindset is everything. But according to research, it’s really, really true. And when you present yourself as feeling sexy, you actually are reducing your fear of rejection. And you’ve heard me say this on the show as well, that, that we need to just be more confident and not get attached to the outcome. Okay, here is how this study worked. And I can’t believe there are people that get paid to do this kind of research. But hey, I get paid to do this. So anything goes, they showed sexually stimulating images to people in a clinical setting, before introducing them to a stranger of the opposite sex. And then they had a neutral conversation just about like, hobbies, career goals, blah, blah, blah. But they found that those who had been exposed to sexual stimulus rather than neutral stimulus, something not so sexy, those who were exposed to it were more likely to initiate more intimate contact and be more interested in initiating a romantic relationship at the end of the session. And what this does is it confirms that when you feel sexy, you’re more likely to take a risk. And so often I say that, that success in dating, some of it is just if the other person is feeling the vibe from you and feeling like you’re into them, a lot of times that can amp up their interest in you. Well, one person who I think, should have lots of interest on dating apps is Drew Barrymore. But it turns out, it has not gone the way that she planned it, she revealed on and watch what happens live with Andy Cohen that she had been on Riah and she thought the app would fulfill her lifelong dream of going on a blind date. It’s really hard to go on a blind date when you’re Drew Barrymore because everybody knows everything about you. And you don’t know who these people are, but Riah, you know, is for the celebrities. But she said that her first day was a train wreck, she said she got stood up. And actually, I can also reveal on the show, she told me this story not too long ago, because I am also one of the dating experts of the Drew Barrymore show. I’ll be on my first show live this Wednesday at 9am. Eastern in New York live, but check your local listings to see when I will be on in your area. But here’s the thing if this can happen to Drew, and let me tell you, she is so sweet. And she’s so charming and everything that you see about her and ROM coms. It has been my experience of working with her on her show as well. It happens to everyone and and you have to do the same sort of work whether you’re Drew Barrymore or the girl next door, you have to make sure that you’re pre qualifying people before you get to the date. If this person would stand up Drew Barrymore they certainly will do it to you. And then you know if this person doesn’t show up for you, that this is not meant to be but it doesn’t mean to you should throw the baby out with the bathwater. It doesn’t mean you should give up on dating apps. And I hope drew doesn’t give up on Riah but she certainly hasn’t given up on love. So look out for me on Wednesday, spreading some more romantic cheer on her show. Those are the headlines for this week. But when we come back, we will be with Taylor Andrews from Cosmos Oh, get ready for some juicy talk in just a moment.
I am here with Taylor Andrew, she’s cosmopolitans, assistant editor of all their juicy dating relationships, sex and love content. Please help me give big smooches to Taylor Andrews. Hey, Joe, how’s it going? It’s going girl. First of all your articles are fire. And we have referenced them a lot on the show in the past, but you are really on the cutting edge tailor of what is happening in dating and relationships. And people are always asking me, like what is the deal with dating apps? And should we even be trying today? Is it too complicated? Now there’s woke fishing. I have to know their COVID status is dating just to complete hated right now.
Unknown Speaker 10:02
Honestly, I would almost argue on popular opinion that right now is the best time to find someone in a relationship, if that’s what you’re looking for. And I’m going to tell you why. I think right now, people are not leading with physical like intimacy. Obviously, we’re in a pandemic, you can’t go meet someone in person, if you are, you’re meeting six feet apart, and you’re outside, it’s just different circumstances. But right now, you’re really getting a relationship, like via text message via zoom via FaceTime. And you’re communicating and talking to these people before you even add in the whole physical element. So you’re getting to know them, you’re getting to know like, what they like who they are way more in depth than you would if you were seeing them on a first date. So I would actually argue that right now is the best time to actually successfully find a solid relationship.
Damona 10:52
You know, what I will cosign on what you just said, I actually was just talking to a former client yesterday, who is in the best relationship of her life, she met this guy two and a half months ago, in the middle of a pandemic, on a dating dating app. And she said, it’s just a totally different trajectory, like it’s unfolding in a completely different way. And she’s, you can really tell, if you are, if you’re on a date with somebody, you don’t have all the distractions of everything else that we use to get our attention or keep our attention on a date. It’s just the two of you talking and connecting, you really can’t have the other distractions. And you know, is this really the real deal or not? So she said, she’s, like, deeper in this relationship than she’s been on any other relationship before,
Unknown Speaker 11:45
right? I mean, everyone’s on dating apps. Right? Now, if you’re single, you’re on a dating app. And actually, for cosmopolitan readers, 51% of our readers are on dating apps. So that’s like a high percentage, considering that some of our readers are also in relationships. So if you consider how many people are on dating apps, you’re going through a lot of different people, you get to fine tune and select who you want, who matches like your personality, what you’re into, I just think you’re gonna you’re getting so much opportunity right now today that you can absolutely find someone who is like, on the same level as you. And yeah, I mean, like I said, whether you’re on dating apps, because you’re bored and lonely, and you don’t have anyone to talk to you, or whether you’re actively trying to get a relationship, I completely agree with you now would be a great time to, I think, if that is what you’re looking for, to get into a relationship.
Damona 12:37
And I do feel like, as you said earlier, there, there isn’t as much of that physical interaction with strangers. So I feel like a lot of those people have fallen off the apps. And one reason that a lot of people feel like, it’s not a great time because they don’t feel like as much is happening. Because we were we were at a an unsustainable pace of dating, I feel like before the pandemic, and I feel like something had to happen to stop that crazy cycle of like, swipe, swipe, swipe date, date, date, totally, you know, with wash, rinse, repeat. I wish it wasn’t a pandemic, of course, but it happened. But there’s so many other factors right now. Like, like, it’s 2020. Like everything that can happen, will happen. And there’s so much else that is affecting dating today. Right from race. We’ve talked at nauseam on the show about race and dating to the the election coming up. And we had your friend in mind, Michael Kay from Okay, Cupid, on the show to talk about that. What do you think do you think that people are finding are looking for the wrong? Like? Are they focused on the wrong things right now? Or is it just like that we are at a time where we have to, we have to kind of cut out the clutter and find somebody that’s totally aligned with us on so many different levels?
Unknown Speaker 14:06
Well, it’s interesting you say that, because I’m actually currently working on an article of it’s a debate and it’s can you actually be in a relationship with someone who has opposing political views? I, I would argue, especially with the year 2020. I would argue that you can but you wouldn’t. You would be surprised by how many people believe that yes, you can be in a relationship with someone who has opposing political views. So while I do think that this year has definitely made it so that women are maybe, I don’t know not being as picky or anything just because they are lonely on dating apps, I do think if you want a successful relationship, now would be the time to like I said, fine tune and find people who agree with you and align with you on topics like race and LGBTQ policies and and everything in that regard and even more, so than Now you can do that because you are talking to them via dating apps and texting. And it’s a less intimidating conversation than asking someone in person. So how do you feel about our current administration? And what are your views about who should be the next president, etc, etc. Yeah,
Damona 15:16
they used to say don’t talk about those things on first dates. But I almost feel like now, it’s like you must talk about these things, first dates, just just to figure out if they even meet meet the basic criteria.
Unknown Speaker 15:28
Totally. So the
Damona 15:30
The other thing that now we are dealing with since we are distanced from whoever we are matching with or talking to, is how to keep that chemistry and communication and flirtation going in the digital space. You have written this very hot and sexy new book, Cosmos fantasy sex games. And we’ll give everybody a little peek inside. But I think one one element that is really pertinent to our listeners is sexting. Like, yeah. What are the rules for sexting now, especially like, if you are talking to so to, essentially a stranger, someone you met on a dating app? Maybe you haven’t actually moved offline with them? Are there different rules for them versus someone that you’re already in a relationship with?
Unknown Speaker 16:20
I think, okay, the number one thing I can say is, men, can we stop with the dick pics? I mean, right? Can we please please like, Listen to me, listen to everyone who’s been saying this for however long, the dick fix needs to stop. Unless it’s consensual. And unless the woman specifically asks to see your penis, women do not want to be surprised by a dick pic and their phone. So that’s like sexting rule number one, do not send unsolicited nude pictures to the other person. So that’s the biggest thing. As far as everything else, it really just depends on what you’re into. And what you and your partner have consensually agreed upon. So what I always like to encourage is I know people really struggle with sex either, like I just can’t figure out like what to say, I feel so awkward. I just I don’t know, I would just start if this is someone that you’ve slept with before, I would start by, you know, recounting your experience with them. So Oh, remember when you did this with me, or remember when you touched me here or remember when we were in the laundry room or whatever you’re doing, and then just start from there. It’s like retelling the story. So then it gets you started. And then the other person is seeing what you’re doing. And they can add in. And then you can start saying things like, Oh, well, wouldn’t it be so hot? If we try this next time? Or what do you think about this? So I think that’s a really easy way to transition into sexting with someone that you’ve already slept with. And in the case that you haven’t slept with someone, I always like to go for like, encourage the conversation. That’s Oh, I wish she were here. I think that that is always the way to get someone to be like, Oh, well, it piques their interest. And so we do fiber there. Exactly, exactly. It’s not you’re not being you know, super, super direct. You’re not saying let’s sex right now. It’s just Oh, I wish you were here and it gets the conversation started in a non intimidating way. It’s really easy for the other person to like, jump in into the conversation. So that would definitely be like, my starter. I mean, what do you what do you think about sexting? What, like, what are your tips?
Damona 18:29
Well, I I’m kind of cautious about sexting, like, in terms of sensitive images. Like, look, we just saw this not that long ago with Chris, Chris. And like, you know, the dick bickered route.
Unknown Speaker 18:47
That was an accident, like,
Damona 18:49
I actually do, because I’ve had, I’ve had, like, I’ve had pictures that I did not intend to put, I’ve had, like, have you had this happen on Instagram, where you were like, like chatting with someone or in a store in stories, and then all of a sudden, it was like calling them I need to fix this? Because I’m like, sorry, I’m not trying to suddenly call you like, it’s just in the middle of the conversation. You’re right. So I think it could have been an accident, but I think it maybe it was a happy accident. after all. I think it’s probably for him going to enhance his life more. It’s been it’s going to hurt him. But you know, you do work for cosmopolitan, female focused female first, like, what would happen if that was a woman? It would be a completely different conversation. If you know, it’s like a teddy pic.
Unknown Speaker 19:38
Right? I would and we’ve had celebs things like this get leaked. Um, you know, like it happens. Um, and it Yeah, I don’t know that. That’s an interesting conversation because it is like the difference between you know, he, I don’t I don’t know. It’s um,
Damona 19:58
it’s complex, isn’t it?
Unknown Speaker 20:00
It is I wish I had more of an opinion on it, but I just can’t even.
Unknown Speaker 20:04
It just doesn’t happen.
Unknown Speaker 20:06
It doesn’t. So, as far as explicit images go, I’m sure everyone was really happy to see that. But that was like, you know, that’s breaking a barrier. Even though it was accidental, you know, that’s even if you would put that into terms of like dating someone in general. Again, like I said, you should not be sending dick pics. So the fact that that happened is not not a good example.
Damona 20:30
Yeah, cuz then you took the dick pic it What was your intent with the dick pic? That’s that’s the other question.
Unknown Speaker 20:35
Exactly. Do you
Damona 20:36
like what you said, Taylor, in terms of using it to build anticipation is how I would how I would phrase that like saying, Oh, I can’t wait to see you again. And really thinking of sexting as an element in for prep for thinking of sexting as an element of foreplay, and really, look giving yourself something to look forward to. And then the other thing I love about what you said, was storytelling. That’s so much of I mean, you know, the book is the fantasy sex games, it’s the fantasy, it’s telling the story of what’s going to happen. And I know, for me, I sometimes feel a little awkward, maybe, maybe it’s because of my husband’s reaction. He’s like, so uncomfortable with it. But it can be awkward, right? to, like, send that first sext and to step into the roleplay space. How you
Unknown Speaker 21:28
gonna? Absolutely can’t and that’s normal. You know, if, if I could say anything, we actually have this segment in the book called finished the fantasy, where we set the whole fantasy up, we type we have it written out. So you just read it with your significant other, or whomever you want to sex with, or whatever. And then you finish it. So we already did all the hard work for you, we initiated the conversation, so then you just finish it.
Damona 21:53
That is so perfect. And this is why I also help people with dating apps, like just getting started, like having the prompts or having the outline. And then once you’re in it, it’s it does feel more natural. Right. Yeah. You know what to say? Yeah, but it’s that, that anticipation and and awkwardness of just getting started that sometimes keeps people from
Unknown Speaker 22:18
trying?
Damona 22:20
The thing, like the thing I loved about the book is, it is so playful, and there’s so many ideas in there. Like you might read through it, and you’re like, Whoa, not that for me, but you might read some and think, oh, I’ve never thought of that. I’ve never tried that. I was like, how did Taylor get all these ideas?
Girl, you know, no, you know, I read the book. But when if you’re with a partner, some of it is just that willingness to explore and try something new, you know, especially in quarantine, we’ve been locked up. And it’s been like, same old, same old For how long? We’re all stressed out overworked. Why not? Why not? Try something new with your partner?
Unknown Speaker 23:11
Absolutely. And I think it also goes into, you know, I don’t know, we’re speaking to women of you know, all sexual orientations. And they’re in relationships, and they’re single and whomever or, and whatever. But, um, I just think that like, quarantine is the best time to really have fun with all of this, and you’re with your partner all the time, might as well just make it fun and do something different than what your normal circumstances like, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun and go pick out a Halloween costume that’s leftover in your closet from five years ago and have a little roleplay situation with that. And and while I understand that it can be intimidating. I think it starts with you know, kind of breaking down that wall that you have that’s preventing you from you know, wanting to take that step and wanting to maybe dive a little kinkier deeper into your relationship and sex life. I think it starts with removing that barrier and removing whatever that wall is that’s preventing you from wanting to do that and then just like going for and owning your horniness and owning who you are and what you want, and getting that orgasm.
Damona 24:16
It’s natural girl it’s natural
Unknown Speaker 24:18
is yes.
Damona 24:20
Yeah. And sometimes you just need to mix things up a little bit. Let’s say you’re on the other side of the conversation and your partner is the one that’s like, let’s be a little bit more adventurous. How do you get to that place where you can go like Dude, should you just go with the flow with what your partner wants to try?
Unknown Speaker 24:43
I think that you should definitely establish beforehand hard boundaries. So anything that you’re absolutely not okay with doing. This can easily be done in something like a yes no maybe list which we actually also included in the book, but we’ve written about it countless times where you And you can print this off. Or you can do it from the book what we included, but there are a bunch of topics that we have listed and you go through with your partner and you say yes, no, or maybe. And if you would rather not do it with your partner, you just like print out a copy, and you do it yourself. And then your your partner does it. And then you compare where all of your yeses are, where all of your maybes are and where all of your nodes are, and the yeses you discuss, like, Yeah, I would be into that. So obviously, like, that’s consenting, once you have a conversation about it, you’re consenting to doing that in the bedroom. That maybe is okay, let’s talk about this. And let’s figure out like, why it’s a maybe and what would make it absolute? Yes. And then the no is a hard boundary, you’re not doing that. So I actually think a yes no, maybe list is maybe the easiest way to transition into like a super sexy thing that you haven’t brought up with your partner, or if you’re part if your partner wants to bring something up to you. But as far as you know, if your partner is just bringing something up, and as long as you don’t, like, have a hard boundary with whatever that person suggested, I say go for it and see if it’s something you’re into, the only way you’re going to know is if you try, and I think you should just completely, like get rid of an idea of, you know, like something that’s taboo and just try it, depending on what your partner brought up.
Damona 26:19
Let’s say you get some of those maybes. And I love that you have this checklist in the book, you get a maybe I’ve also heard from listeners, how awkward it is to have conversations about sex before you’re having sex. Like whether it’s a maybe from that checklist with your existing partner, or like I’m about to have sex with this person, for the first time. How do you bridge those conversations and make them still sexy? Or should you just not even have those conversations when you’re in the bedroom? Should they happen before,
Unknown Speaker 26:49
I do think they should always happen before the bedroom. Like I say consent is the number one thing. So I would always encourage that. But I do understand how that can be like icky, and it looks like you’re just like having a conversation about sex, which makes it so unsexy. But like I said, I think if you’re going to be having sex with someone, you should be able to feel comfortable talking about sex with them. Now, as far as when you’re in the bedroom, I I think what’s really sexy is, you know, doing something and trying something you’re into whether that’s like, I don’t know, like going down their body and saying, Oh, do you like when I touch you like this? Do you enjoy this? Does this feel good? Those types of questions that check in with your partner, make sure that you’re always doing consensual, safe sex, and that your partner is actually into it as much as you are. So I think if you are going to kind of just test the boundaries a little bit, I would always make sure to like, ask, how would you like it if I did this? And, and, you know, does this feel good. And you and that can be sexy. I mean, you’re making out with the first and you’re touching them, you’re on top, and then they’re on top of you, you know, if you just say on a super sexy voice and just let this like animalistic side of you come out that, you know, that’s asking for consent and still being sexy at the same time.
Damona 28:04
What about when you’re in those situations, like I can remember many a time when I was single Taylor, where like, even in a situation where someone was getting consent. There’s sometimes this feeling I’m just gonna like just gonna put it out there and say it sometimes there’s this feeling, it’s like, oh, I don’t really want to do this. But it’s, it’s probably just easier to say us and like get this over with than to actually, like, end it rock the boat or just, you know, just stop the forward motion. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know if you’ve been in that situation, or if you’ve written about any situations like that before, but I think we’re in a new paradigm right now of women. Like, you know, I’m a little bit part of the old guard of like, you know, back then we just like rolled over And we took it. But now like in the conversation of consent, I think there is an element of I don’t want to say responsibility. But I think women are being called to speak up in those moments. And I love it any words of encouragement, you’re such as strong, competent woman like words of encouragement for other women that maybe are in the boat that I was in or that just find it hard to find their voice in those moments.
Unknown Speaker 29:20
I think the biggest thing that I can say to that is that your pleasure is just as much worth it as your partner’s pleasure. So you need to really focus on what feels good to you and not so much what feels good to your partner. I think so often women are told, you know, like you mentioned, we have to lay on our backs and we have to be the one that is making sure the man orgasms or or who whomever their partner is, and and that’s that doesn’t need to be the case our orgasms are just as just as important as our partners. And so if something makes you uncomfy don’t do it You do not have to do it. There’s nothing that says like no you are in charge of a man’s orgasm because you’re not and and i think Like I said, that just goes back to women feeling like they have to please their partner, and they have to focus more on their pleasure. But no, you you deserve an orgasm just as much you need to make sure and like control that, that you are seeking just as much pleasure as you are seeking to give your partner. Okay, and then for
Damona 30:17
our guy spies in the audience, we have a lot of male listeners actually, as well, that one, that they’re good guys tailor, they want to make things also safe and comfortable for women. Are there any tips that you can give those guys for how to create this kind of space? With a new partner?
Unknown Speaker 30:41
Yeah, I mean, I, I’m big on communication, like I said, so I really think that a good good sex starts with communication. And I think it’s just being super open about having a conversation before you have sex about what each other is into and what you want to try, and what feels good. So I would just make sure to actively check in with your partner when you’re having sex to make sure that everything is going great. And and, yeah, I mean, I think sometimes as women we like in heterosexual relationships we like to feel taken care of, and like he’s almost in control. But I don’t think that needs to be the case all the time. So I think having those conversations beforehand can really be beneficial. So I would just tell whoever the guy listeners are that you know, be very open about what you’re interested in and wanting to please your woman and talking to her about what gets her off? Because she knows better than you do.
Damona 31:44
Mm hmm. All right, ladies, no, no best is what they want. We just have to find her voice and speak up about it, and maybe get some new ideas. And I for one got many of them from reading Taylor’s new book, Cosmo, fantasy sex games, y’all. It’s hot, is right for the times. And there’s so much more also at cosmopolitan calm that people can read. And I just have to be you didn’t, you didn’t ask me for this feedback. But I’m just going to give it to you. I’m also a subscriber of for the for the magazine. And I have to say, Taylor, like I know you and I connected because you were looking to highlight some more voices of color. And as I was going through my Cosmo magazine last month, I was really shocked at the number of people who looked like me. And I feel like there’s really been an effort to be as inclusive as possible and to really diversify the images, not just in the content, but also in the advertising. So I just wanted to say how much I really, truly appreciate the work that cosmopolitan is doing on that front,
Unknown Speaker 32:59
of course, and we appreciate experts like you being able to weigh in. I mean, you’ve helped so much with our content. And I hope that all your subscribers know that they can see you on Cosmo articles and be like, yeah, that’s Dimona. She’s awesome. She knows everything. So I love talking to you about the
Damona 33:15
articles. I don’t know if I know everything, but at least I can have conversations with smart ladies like you and we can learn from one another and pass it on. So thank you so much for being here. Taylor, it was really a pleasure to have you on the show.
Unknown Speaker 33:28
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
Damona 33:31
Lovers don’t go anywhere. I have your questions. But more importantly, I have your answers. Please stick around. We are back. This is dear demona. This one comes to me from a new listener. In an Instagram dm she says I’m 39 years old and I’ve been on dating apps for 13 years. girlfriend. That’s a long time. She says I haven’t been physical with someone in over three years. But someone asked me to come over Saturday night for drinks, bonfire and sex. And I’m wondering if I should just go for it. I’m worried I’ll catch feelings. Who? That got sexy real fast, didn’t it? First, I would say it’s really good that you know what your tendency is that you know that when you get intimate with someone, you can catch feelings really quickly. First, obviously COVID is happening right now. So you have to have a real way to assess someone’s risk. Like I had a conversation with a client and she was like, Yes, that’s just risk risk. And it was fine to go out on a date and I’m like, I’m not sure how you did that. Like Did you take like, like at the top of the show? Did you do a questionnaire Did you did you like get a saliva sample? Did you stick a swab up his nose? I don’t know. But you figure it out the way that works for your stay and your comfort level how you assess the risk. I think, Hey, we are all feeling the skin hunger right now. Well, not me because I, I’m touched out, I’m around people all day long. But for those of you who are single, it is no wonder that we are missing that human connection, and even just the power of touch. So men or women, there is no shame in getting your physical needs met. But if you know that the tendency for you is to put more into it, and to think more about it than what it really means, you might need to add an extra level of protection for yourself emotionally because it’s clear if this person just matched with you on a dating app. And they were just like, bam, drinks, bonfire, sex, let’s get it on. I don’t know that that is suddenly going to blossom into a more meaningful relationship. So you have to know what you’re signing up for. Now, I’ll tell you a little story. This is kind of embarrassing. I have had one and only one, one nightstand in my life. And I it’s kind of one of those things where I thought, well, everyone’s done it, and everyone should do it. So I’ll just do it and get it over with. And I have to tell you, it was honestly the worst experience of my life, there was nothing sexy about it. I felt terrible when it was over. And he, he wanted to he was really a jerk. And then he wanted to walk me to my car, and I was like, Don’t walk me to my car, I’m fine. I’m a grown woman. And then he felt really bad for being a jerk. So then he just followed me to my car to make sure that I didn’t like I don’t know, get raped or something, because then he’d feel extra bad. And I have to admit, I don’t regret a lot of my experiences. I think every experience that you have, it teaches you something and adds up to something more. So I don’t regret that it happened. But I definitely learned that for me. One Night Stand life was not it. So you might already know that about yourself. But if you feel like you can separate the intimacy and the physical connection, and the sex from the emotional part of it, and you can do it safely. I am not one to judge.
Our second question for today came from my women’s group, the dating accelerator program, this person said I met a guy on hinge a few months ago, we’ve had to socially distance dates in person and everything seemed to be going great. We both got really busy at work. But he said if we want to if we want more, we have to see each other more and talk more. I agreed. But since then he’s been distant. I set a date with him for dinner. But when I called him to make a plan he didn’t answer. And he hasn’t called since Should I try again to make this happen? Or is it over. So a lot of times we operate out of a place of assumption. And I definitely think he was trying to send you a message here that he either was angry with something that happened or didn’t feel like he was getting his needs met. And so he he might have even been saying in that conversation, he had already made the decision to move on. If we want more, we’d have to see each other more and talk more. And the other part of that sentence in his mind was, and it doesn’t seem like you can do that. So Peace out, I’m gone. And then at that point, you’re agreeing, but you’re entering from a position of needing to make things up to him and cater to his needs. Right? So I’ll just first say it might already have been too late. But in most of these situations, we also if we don’t have clarity, we need to get clarity. So yes, you should try again. And for some people, like they’re too proud to actually just speak what they are feeling and what they want. And that’s how we end up in all of these ghosting, Limbo, half assed situations, none of that for you, you’re going to say, Listen, I feel like I’ve been really distracted. And I really want to give this a chance. I’d love to see you house this weekend. Just go directly for it. Put your heart out there, put what you want out there, you’re going to get one of two responses. It will either be Oh, I didn’t know that you were really into this? Yes, I’d love to see you. And then he his competence is renewed, and he wants to invest in it further or you get crickets. And what I need you to hear is that crickets are a response. So that’s why I say you might have already gotten the response. But we if you were operating out of a place with any ambiguity, ambiguity, we can’t necessarily judge that. So now you’re going to go right for it. You’re going to say exactly what he wants to hear. You’re going to be very clear about where you See things going in the future. And then you’re going to see what he has to say about it. And then you’re going to report back to me, and the dates and make show. That’s it for today’s episode. This one is 329 of dates and mates. Yeah, you’ve got to check out Taylor’s work and cosmos, she writes all of the hottest content about sex and love and dating@cosmopolitan.com. And this book is seriously, it raised my body temperature, about three or four degrees just from reading it. You can pre order Cosmos fantasy sex games, wherever you get your books, but I’ll put a special amazon link in the show notes. Disclaimer, if you order through this link, I do get a small percentage of the sale like a very, very small percentage of the sale, but I’m just trying to make it easy for you to get this book. So that’s the scoop for today’s episode. Hit me up on the socials at damona Hoffman. I’d love to know what you learned from today’s episode, or hear what your questions are for a future episode. We’ll be back again next week with more hot dates and mates content but in the meantime, make sure you watch the Drew Barrymore show I will be on this Wednesday, September 30. So check your local listings for when you can catch the show. Until next week. I wish you happy dating
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
Dear Damona: Tinder Influencers & Bad Breath
THE DEAR DAMONA EPISODE
Today is an entire episode dedicated to the questions you have submitted this week.
Starting now, we will be spinning off the Dear Damona segment into it’s own episode once a month. Three weeks a month you’ll hear thought-provoking interviews and once a month you’ll hear listeners ask their questions and a full episode devoted to your troubles in love.
But as usual, we’ll start with keeping you up to date on this week’s headlines:
DATING DISH (3:12)
Tinder Video Chat Feature Wide Release
Tinder is the latest app to roll out this feature, but on the whole, the tech still has a long way to go.
Marriage Equality & LGBTQ+ History Month
Same-sex couples, like comedian Fortune Feimster and her partner Jacquelyn Smith, are getting married quicker over fears that marriage for them will be overturned. Damona weighs in.
via GIPHY
How the Trump Era Has Strained Mixed Political Relationships
According to the most recent stats published in the New York Times, it appears that mixed-partisan couples may skip voting to minimize conflict. Damona explains why.
(NOT!!!!)
DEAR DAMONA (14:10)
I’m @DamonaHoffman on all the socials. I love to hear from you! We are already collecting questions for next month’s Dear Damona episode— DM me your questions on your favorite social media platform and tell me how you found out about this show. Here’s what our listeners asked this week:
WANT TO READ ALONG??
Unknown Speaker 0:00
It’s a tale as old as time. He’s handsome, debonair. She’s pretty and sweet. They lock eyes across the room.
Damona 0:10
Okay, hold on. Honey, you need to get your facts straight. Finding love today is more like
Unknown Speaker 0:17
Greece posts to get my
Unknown Speaker 0:18
swipe was invited to share my life. What
Unknown Speaker 0:21
does this text mean? Maybe he’s just not that into me is this relationship going anywhere,
Damona 0:26
you can keep waiting for the fairytale. Or you can get on board with the new rules of relationships. If you’ve read my advice in the LA Times, then you know, this ain’t your mama’s love advice. This is dates in mates with damona Hoffman, hello, lovers, while the days are getting shorter, and the dark winter is looming, but we are still out here and these dating streets and today is an entire episode dedicated to the questions that you have submitted this week. There’s a lot of ground to cover. So I want to get right into the show. But first, I need to take a moment to correct a mistake that my team and I made. And this is an important one, two episodes ago, we used incorrect pronouns when we refer to pop singer Sam Smith. So I went back and I re recorded that portion of the episode to honor Sam Smith’s identity. And I promised to be more vigilant in the future. But I really wanted to be transparent with you all and to also thank the listeners who reached out to point out the error. I am a firm believer that when you make a mistake, you should own up to it and make it right. And that’s exactly what I’m trying to do today. And I want to make this a safe space for everyone. And I really appreciate that this is an inclusive and loving community that we built right here. And that you care enough about this show for me to get it right and to engage in conversation with me. This show is definitely a conversation and dates and mates is driven by what’s happening in the news, what you need to know and the ways that I can be of service to you. Which brings us to today’s special deer demona episode. Starting now we will be spinning off the deer demona segment into its own episode once a month. So three weeks a month, you’ll hear thought provoking interviews and once a month, you’ll hear listeners ask their questions and a full episode devoted to your troubles in love. To kick it off. We have to get you up to speed on these headlines though. I’ll be talking about the latest on video dating and should you even bother and why this has suddenly become LGBTQ wedding season plus love in the time of Trump and how cross political partnerships have fared in the last four years, then I’ll answer your questions in dear Dimona, and here’s a few things that are on your mind. Why are all my matches trying to sell me stuff? And how can you stay safe on dating apps? Plus, where can you find love off of dating apps today? Oh That and more on today’s dates and mates. Let’s get into these headlines.
Unknown Speaker 3:09
These dating dish.
Damona 3:12
Mashable shared the news about Tinder releasing their video feature worldwide. Now, this isn’t the first time that you’ve heard about video chat dating on this show, of course. But especially it’s not even the first time you’ve heard about Tinder video chat dating because they’ve been rolling it out since May or June, all throughout the US in different markets. But this is different because now people have really had a chance to become comfortable with video chat dating. And I’ll admit that I said at the beginning that video chat dating is the wave of the future. And I still believe that it is. But I want to remind you that it’s not the only game in town. First of all, you do still have the option of a phone call. And when you do the video chat, you have to remember how much additional pressure it is to get ready for that date. And you need to be clear of whether you’re doing this as a replacement date or if you’re doing it as a screening for a date. That said if you are planning to have a video chat date, and you want to stay within the app, and Tinder is not the first app to do this. Bumble rolled out this feature earlier this year. It’s also it’s also being tested on many other platforms on match.
But the challenge is that a lot of these apps were not designed for video. They were designed for dating apps, they were designed for static images that you swipe through or that you you message about and adding the layer video is a whole different tech stack. So what I’m hearing from the database listeners and from my clients is that they’re running into a little technical trouble with these new features. And of course Tinder Tinder rolled this out slowly today. Trying to work the bugs out. So I can’t speak specifically to tenders, to tenders, video chat feature, but I can tell you that overall, they have been a little bit glitchy and a little bit hard to use. And so then people say, Well, what do I do in that case? And I had another listener who wrote in to me and asked whether they should give, whether it’s safer to use FaceTime or to use zoom? And the question the answer to that comes down to what is your definition of safer if it’s you’re trying to protect your anonymity, then you definitely would be better served with zoom. Because you’re you can have a different name on zoom, you can have your name be private on zoom, and it can’t be traced back to you. But your phone number, whether it’s a cell phone, or like I don’t know, if anyone still has a landline, it can actually be traced to your your name. And if it’s a landline, it can be traced actually to your home address. But sometimes even for a mobile phone. So you just have to really be mindful of what information is out there about you and some of these things through reverse phone lookup, you can actually find out some detailed information about the person. So do be careful about giving out your number of personal information or your Apple ID, those sort of things. And I do I have a partnership now with an app called text. Now, if you’re wanting to text or talk on the phone, and you’re you don’t want to give out your real number, definitely check out text now. But I do like the video feature, if you can find a way to do it comfortably. If you’re not going to get all caught up in like how am I looking in the video and not paying attention to the person on the other side of the screen. If you’re not going to get frustrated with tech, if you are going to prepare yourself the way you would for a regular date, then I’m all for it. I’m all for Tinder rolling out this feature. And I really think it’s going to become a key feature of all the dating apps in the coming years as they fine tune the the technology and the abilities that it has. Well, it’s a big month for tech. It’s a big month for voting. And it’s also a big month for marriage equality. I just found out that it is actually LGBTQ History Month. And that said, there’s been a lot happening that is making the LGBT community wonder if it’s time to just just tie the knot and get married because right now, we have marriage equality. We have the ability for people of all orientations to get married in the United States. And not that long ago. I remember when this was still a very big fight. Obviously, Amy Coney Barrett just got appointed to the Supreme Court. And there has been talk from Justice Clarence Thomas and justice Samuel Alito that the same sex marriage ruling has ruinous consequences for religious liberty, and maybe challenged in the future. So all of that is making a lot of LGBTQ couples run to the altar. I feel like a lot of people are running to the altar and COVID are you all seeing like tons of wedding photos in your timelines too. But specifically for people like fortune five ster, who’s a comedian, you may remember her from the Mindy Project. And she just married her partner, Jacqueline Smith in Malibu last week.
But they’ve been engaged. They’ve been together for two and a half years. And now we’re seeing that a lot of people are taking this opportunity to get married because they don’t know if the opportunity is going to be there in the future. And this is honestly really sad to me that that we It feels like we are moving back in terms of equality. And I fully believe Love is love. Did y’all see that Oreo commercial that went viral last week, it was it was kind of like a movie, actually. But it was about a same sex couple who went home to visit the parents. And the dad was clearly not very accepting of the fact that she had brought home a same sex partner. I’m not going to spoil the ending for you. But a lot of people could relate and I think not just same sex couples, but you could see anyone who has a difference with their partner, and how how challenging that moment is when you meet the parents and see if you’re going to be accepted and how and when you think about how much harder that is even for LGBTQ couples, when they don’t know if they’re going to be accepted as a person. But even like accepted as a person, so this is a, this is really frightening time for a lot of people. But I just want to remind you that you have a voice and that representation matters. And so that’s why I wanted to bring this to the forefront for you on today’s show. And remind you to get out there and make sure that your rights are being protected.
We’re on the political political train here. So we might as well stay New York Times had a really interesting article about how the Trump era has strained mixed political relationships. This article is really a deep dive into the political dynamics in relationships and how some people like don’t even really know how what happens. You know, they say like, what, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, what happens in the voting booth stays in the voting booth. So the article said historically, women underestimate the likelihood that their spouses are voting Democrat, while men overestimate that their spouses are voting Republican. What’s crazy to me is I can’t even think about spouses that are really clear on how their spouses voting, maybe that’s just in my house. We talk about it all the time. But increasingly, people are marrying more people like themselves, not just on politics, but overall, similar education, similar belief systems and lifestyles. And what’s happening as we, as we move to the fringes of our political spectrum, is that a lot of relationships are being lost in the middle, that’s now becoming, as we’ve talked about, on the show before, one of the primary filters the primary reasons that people will say yea or nay to a match, it said that in battleground states partners tend to know less about their partner’s political beliefs. And politically mismatched couples are likely to be the people who are not politically polarized, because those are the people in the middle that can can maybe see both sides. But it’s important to note that a lot of these partnerships did not begin in the Trump era. And these more politically moderate couples came together before things were so polarized. And when we look at the voting data, voting turnout is actually lower. For mixed partisan couples, perhaps they’re skipping, skipping voting to minimize conflict. Perhaps it’s that we are still confused about which direction we want the country to go in. But I just want people to move towards love. So let’s try and keep an open mind. And let’s try to lead with love through the season, it’s going to be a rough week. And whenever you’re listening to this, I’m sure it’s going to be a strained and challenging time. So I’m just sending out lots of love to you no matter what you believe, no matter how you vote. And before we go into the break, I also want to thank you for helping dates and mates reach number 11 on the apple podcasts charts yesterday, I’ve been making this show for eight years. And I’m so grateful for all the support from our longtime fans and new listeners. And those who took the time to scroll down to the bottom of Apple podcast app and leave us a five star review. Like true Skye who said this podcast is super entertaining and chock full of helping people in the modern world and now dating in the COVID world. But let’s be real, the COVID world is now the real world. And I want you to know how to navigate through the new normal no matter where you are in the political spectrum. And no matter how you identify, I will be back in just a moment with your questions on everything from bad breath to only fans accounts. So don’t go anywhere. We are back and it’s time for your questions.
Unknown Speaker 14:08
damona help me
Damona 14:10
this first question comes to us from a longtime listener who has some questions about dating safety along with a crazy dating story.
Unknown Speaker 14:19
I’ve had several experiences where I didn’t want to give out my last name, my phone number exactly where I lived and exactly where I work. I have found that when I have followed the apps, safety tips suggested by match or other sites that men have called me paranoid, overly cautious. I had an experience where I went on a great first date with a guy this is before the pandemic and he really wanted to see me again. So I had mentioned where I worked. I had just started a new job and he actually called my place of employment the next day looking for me when I had this massive walk and talk with the guy that said, Why are you so cautious, you know, wouldn’t give me your last name, give me your phone number, you know has something bad happen, I would love some advice about how to navigate these conversations without seeming defensive.
Damona 15:16
Susan, I absolutely understand why safety is your top priority. And it absolutely should be. Any guy who is going to be worth your time is going to respect you, and your boundaries and know that for women, especially safety is the way into your heart making you feel that you are being protected, making you feel that you are comfortable and making you feel that he can be trusted. And this is something like for the guys listening that I think sometimes men don’t understand the way women have to walk through the world constantly vigilant. And, you know, I would say men of color, specifically black men probably understand what I’m talking about here, too. But some other guys might not have had this experience. I know my own husband, who’s a white man did not have this experience before of not feeling safe. He didn’t even lock the doors to our to his apartment. When I first met him. When I would stay over I’d say can we lock the doors? And he’d say, Well, I locked that there’s a door, there’s a gate to get into the apartment complex. And I was like, do you know every person who is coming in the apartment complex? And do you know every person who is a guest of someone else who’s coming in the apartment complex? And do you know every person who had the door open for them because that person didn’t want to feel bad and shut the door in their face because they just came up behind them and they didn’t want to be rude. So they let them in anyway, there’s there was so much risk. To me that was absolutely apparent. And yet, because of his experiences not to knock them he just didn’t have that awareness of safety, because he had never been put in a position where his own personal safety might be threatened. So the idea that this guy Susan, would come looking for you at your job is absolutely ludicrous. And anyone who thinks that they can win someone over with a grand gesture like that has seen far too many ROM coms, because that is the opposite of making you feel safe and comfortable. So what I would say to you is to keep with your convictions, I think it is absolutely understandable that you don’t want to share personal information, especially where you work where you live or anything like that until you’ve properly vetted someone and made sure that they are safe enough for you to feel comfortable sharing that. And yes, as Susan mentioned, a lot of the dating apps have safety guidelines on the app that you can read. And I know we all swipe past it and we skip it because we’re like, I just I’ll know I’ll be fine. But it’s a really good idea to give those those rules a once over because they’re, I guarantee you there’s probably something in them that you’re not doing right now that you could be doing to keep yourself a little bit more safe. This one comes to us from Chris, who’s one of my patreon Fw B’s I
Unknown Speaker 18:23
Dimona. This is Chris from Orlando, Florida, and I’m 31 years old. So on Tinder, at least seeing which is now apparently the career hub for women to promote their quote unquote, content, which they’re selling. They’re only fans and their premium snap. And so my question is, are you seeing this in other states? Are you seeing this across the country? Or is this just a crazy Florida thing? Because I’m originally from Denver, and I just moved here and when I moved here all I’m seeing is this crazy? Here you’re joining my only fans join premier snap. Anyways, that’s my question. I love you dimana. I love the show and help me I need answers. Thank you so much.
Damona 19:09
I have to admit I I don’t know if I can say if this is a weird Florida thing. There’s obviously a lot of weird Florida things we could Google. This one I didn’t know. But it makes sense to me because for a long time and producer Leo and I were chatting about this before the show. For a long time people have used dating apps for other means they’ve used it for business connections. Like she was even telling me that she’s known of trainers, matching with people who are overweight to sell them personal training services, which I think is absolutely disgusting. But the idea that someone would match with you to sell you their only fans subscription or something else. That is their special content. Makes me wonder Chris, if you are matching with the right people. And to me, it says that you might be swiping on the wrong things. And I feel like these types of profiles, these predatory profiles, can be pretty easy to spot. Like if they’re overly polished photos, if they like, people, real people online should have profiles that look a little bit flawed. And I was going over this in my women’s coaching group a couple weeks ago, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is you have to go a layer deeper and say, Is there more information in this person’s bio? If they’ve linked it to Instagram say, do they have a bunch of stuff that’s selling their only fans content? You have to kind of do a little bit more detective work. And I think we get into the routine of just swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, but we’re not doing that first layer of, of filtering before you get into the chat. But as I always say you’re not looking for, for the ones that are no, you’re just you’re just focusing on the yeses. So I wouldn’t worry too much about that, that issue happening or be overly fixated on it. If you have other matches that are moving forward. But if it’s all you’re getting, you’re either on the wrong app, your profiles, not saying the right thing, or you’re swiping on the wrong people. This question comes to me from a gal named Aaliyah.
Unknown Speaker 21:35
Hi, Mona, this is Lily. And I have a question for you about being single and everything and how to find love, especially during COVID. And I hope that out there, my dream of love will come true in so hoping that you will help me with that. Thank you.
Damona 21:55
Here’s some more detail that she emailed to me. I just started out college a year ago, and I love it so much. What brought me here is that I have a serious question that you probably get a lot of how can I find love or find a nice guy during the pandemic without the use of dating apps? I know it’s kind of silly. But that is one of the things I want to accomplish before I get older, say 30 or 40 years old, although you can find love at any face any age smiley face. So, uh, Leah, yes, you are asking a question that a lot of people ask me, How do I find love off of the dating apps. And I’m just going to level with everyone I got a little keet on from the Drew Barrymore show audience for telling a lady last week that the dating apps were the best option for her even though she didn’t like them. So I’m going to expand upon that perspective. And also, let you know why I say that, because it’s not just, it’s not laziness, just go on the dating apps, it’s because dating apps are really the best bang for your buck. They’re the biggest game in town right now. And for the foreseeable future, let’s be real, y’all gonna be wearing masks for at least the next six to 12 to 18 months. And dating is a primal and, and
basic need, you are not going to just be able to put off dating and say I will deal with that later, you are going to have to find a way to date safely within this pandemic. And I find that dating apps give you the best way to expand your pool in a safe and efficient way. So what I said to the woman on the Drew Barrymore show is that she should develop a growth mindset around dating apps, saying, I’m not good at dating apps yet. But it’s something that I can get better at. And therefore when you’re better at things, you enjoy them more. That said, No, it’s not the only way. So I’ll give you a couple other ways that you could possibly meet someone, Leah, and all of the other people listening but they’re more labor intensive. So So put on your big boy and big girl and nine non binary pants, because we’re going to go on a journey really quickly through the other ways to meet someone and how, how much effort you’ll have to put into it. You can meet someone on social media, you can slide into the DMS, you can follow hashtags. You can search by hashtags, I was looking for a client The other day I searched by single dad. And then I had to go into each individual profile and look at where that person was, whether they looked cute, like how young their kids were so much more information that would have been up front on a dating app, but I did it because I’m really trying to help this person find love. You can also join a Facebook group that is around a particular interest. I wouldn’t recommend A singles Facebook group, and technically those are disallowed. So it’s hard to find them anyway. But you’d have a better chance of making a connection with somebody that you have something in common with through a more specific group, like a book club or a fan page for a particular artist or a show or something like that. You could also use your connector circle your connector circle is the people that are first, second and third degree connections to you who might know the kind of people that you could potentially meet. So those people you want to go to and ask them for a very specific thing. I’m looking for someone who’s this, this and this. And that could lead you to a match as well. You could do social distance meetups of some sort. If you feel comfortable with that. Aaliyah, you’re in college, there’s got to be something happening on college campuses, just please make sure that you’re being safe, please wear a mask, don’t go to some indoor house party, frat party situation with no ventilation, and you think you you’d end up catching COVID. And then you’re out of the dating season for a few weeks, or maybe longer. Not worth it, it’s not worth it. So all that said, I really feel like dating apps are your best bet. But keep in mind, not all dating apps are equal. And you get back what you put into it. So if you’re not getting what you want on a dating app, you haven’t programmed the algorithm you’re not using the tool correctly. And I would say go back a few more episodes. And I’ll tell you everything that you know, if you just keep listening to this show, you’ll learn everything you need to know about how to use a dating app more effectively to find love. And it definitely can happen for you between 30 or 40. Or love at any age. Sara sent me a question over Instagram, Sarah said, Hi Dimona, I started dating a great guy that fits several of the qualities I’m looking for. However, he has bad breath. Do you have any suggestions on how to approach this sensitive issue with this guy, he sometimes chews gum, and even that doesn’t seem to help. There are very few guys that fit my criteria. During the last six months of my online dating, that’s why I’m really trying to make it work with this guy. This is such a tough one. Because I feel for this guy and I feel for you. And this is probably like if he chews gum, and it doesn’t help this is probably a medical issue, or like an ongoing issue that he might have some sensitivity about already.
That said, You can’t ignore it. But also, you really shouldn’t throw a good guy, you should not throw out a good guy just because of this one thing. Like whether it’s a physical characteristic, or you know one thing that doesn’t check all your boxes. So we can get through this, don’t worry. What I would say is you feed him what they call a sh t sandwich sugar, honey iced tea sandwiches, my mama would say that would be the thing that is icky. You put in the middle, and then the bread two compliments. So the first thing is you remind him how much you love him or how much you are enjoying getting to know him or how sexy he is. So you start out with a compliment or something optimistic positive, that that shows your future potential together. And then you say, I’ve noticed that sometimes your breath has a certain odor. And then you follow it up with I’m it’s not really a big deal, right? But, but I really love kissing you and I just wanted to ask, and trust me, girl, it’s going to be awkward. It’s going to be awkward for both of you. But it’s something you just need to move through. And so he might tell you, oh, I have this medical condition. It’s this thing. I don’t know how to stop it or I’m on this medication that’s making me have dry mouth and that’s why it tastes like it’s smells like that. Or he might it might be the first time someone has said it to him. I would be shocked if it was but maybe he just needs that awareness. And you can then together figure out what the solution is. Maybe he has to go brush his teeth and his tongue before the next time you kiss. Maybe it’s he carries mouthwash or pinaka Do they still make that that that mouth spray knock I feel like all the guys in high school it always like spray that like it was gonna help them get kissed. But you can work on this together because that honestly it’s a big issue but it’s a minor issue if it if it’s in the context of finding somebody One who hits who checks so many of your boxes and fulfills you on so many deeper levels. This next question comes to us from Kathy. She’s a single 51 year old divorced mother of one daughter living in Los Angeles.
Unknown Speaker 30:14
Why are men so every hand says about sharing their career, as we are getting to know them, ask them questions about who they are kind of thing. They just seem to not want to share what their job or career is. Thank you.
Damona 30:30
Kathy, I would say if a guy doesn’t want to tell you his career, it’s possible heydo have a career. Okay. But let’s put this on context. You know, I said at the top of the show, like COVID dating is, is dating now. And the reality is, a lot of people are in dire financial straits. Right now, a lot of people are losing their jobs. I don’t know if you delineate between job and career. But it’s tough times out there. And as I also said, at the top of the show, people still need love. And, and COVID is not a reason to not continue to seek out partnership, losing your job is not a reason to seek out partnership. But if this is a pattern you’ve seen for a really, really long time, I would say it’s one of two things either doesn’t have a career and doesn’t have any money, and thinks that that is the reason that you would eliminate him from the dating pool, or the more optimistic way to look at it is that he does have a lot of money, and doesn’t want people to only love him for his money or for his career. That said, I don’t know that this is an epidemic that is happening on the global scale. Kathy, I think this has something to do with the men that you’re choosing. And you’re identifying a pattern. So I would then look at the commonalities between profiles I, let’s see, this is what I love doing like getting really granular on your dating life and figuring out where patterns are coming up. And what is triggering you to swipe right on someone or to say yes to going out with someone and what are the what are the warning signs or commonalities when you compare one profile to the next or, or if you’re meeting people through friends, what is causing them to continue to introduce you to the same kind of people, because I bet you’re going to find a similar thread. And once you fix that, and you fix your attraction to that because sometimes, sometimes you know attraction will lie to you. And chemistry is a killer chemistry will send you in the wrong direction. Many a time. And in I I’m for getting more strategic about your your matches, and figuring out what it is you’re attracted to that is not serving you and see how you can put that in alignment and then the rest of your matches will fall into place. The next question comes to us from Valerie on Instagram.
Unknown Speaker 33:13
Hello, team on ad This is Valerie. I’ve been enjoying being single for a long time. But I’m just now feeling like venturing into the dating scene. What dating app? Would you recommend not interested in apps like Tinder?
Damona 33:27
One of the number one questions I get from people is what dating app is best for me which dating apps should I be on? And I’m actually I have a solution. I’m going to be releasing a quiz very soon to help you figure this out. But in the meantime, I’ll tell you it’s much more about the way you use the tool than the specific tool that you’re on. That said, You need to understand what the dating pool is. So I the way I figure out if an app is right for someone or not, I look at the way that they like to engage. Do they like swiping? Do they like having a deeper dive? Or do they like the matches to be much more curated for them? Then I look at how much time do they have to spend on the app, the more open ended the app, the more time you have to spend filtering. The more curated the experience, the less time you have to put into it because the app is doing that work for you. Then I also look at where you are and what is the demographic you’re looking for. So Valerie, I don’t know Tinder does skew fairly young is compared to the other apps. Tinder is the number one dating app right now in terms of number of people on it. So it’s a good standard app to use. People think it’s just a hookup app, but there’s really a wide variety of reasons for people to be there. But that said, you have to do more filtering if there’s a wide variety of reasons to be there. That makes sense. So do you have the time to do that? But is it also the appropriate pool for you? When you go on Tinder? Do you see people that you’d actually want to go out with? Do you? Do you like swiping right on Tinder? Or is it like, all of these guys? I wouldn’t, I would, it’s a waste of time for me. And that said, does it bring up frustration for you, if you hate your dating app, and you’re frustrated, using it every time and of course, there’s all a lot of times a push pull with the app because we love it because it brings us dates, but like, we hate that we have to do it, or we hate the experience of it. But if you just straight up, dislike Tinder or dislike whatever dating app that you’re on, that’s, that’s definitely not the right dating app, because you aren’t going to want to do it. And to put the effort in that I’m talking about of getting really strategic, if you dislike the experience of the app overall. So I, I can’t tell you exactly what the right dating app for you is Valerie. But I encourage you to sample to try around, try different apps, go through that process. And really ask yourself those questions that I just asked asked you. And then figure out which one feels right and know that you’re not married to the dating app. So I recommend being on two apps at the same time. Ideally, three gets to be a little bit hard to manage all the messages. But I also recommend that you jump around a little bit, you can be on an app for a couple months. And then if you feel like you’ve gotten to the end of that, that thread and the bottom of that, well, then just replenish your well with a new app and do what I’m telling my clients is cycling, I’m calling the cycling. So it used to be like I would say stay on one app for three months and and just drill in there. Get your profile perfect. Wait for the new people to come in. Now I’m doing a new This is my like COVID dating, dating app plan. Cycling, you do one app for a month or maybe two until you get to the point where you feel like I’ve exhausted the options here, you cycle to another app for two months, then you can cycle back to the first one and you’ll see up brand new
selection of of possible dates for you. The possibilities are endless. Honestly, Valerie, and even though we’re in the time of COVID, it’s still possible to make a match. It’s just all about the mindset that you’re bringing into it. So I encourage you, especially as we go through whatever we’re going through, politically over the next few months, I encourage you to really clarify your convictions, your values, what you want, in a partner use this time to go inward and, and really do that deep dive work so that you have a crystal clear perspective on what you’re looking for and love. And then we can hit the ground running January, I’ll be doing my my programs again. And we can really attack it head on and make sure that you have the dating plan that’s going to bring you love. Regardless of whether we’re in a pandemic or not, I think we still will be regardless of who ends up being our president, and you can still find a match and someone may have a meaningful place in your life in the new year. That’s all the news that’s fit to print for Episode 334 of dates and mates. As always, we will put the link to the dating dish stories that we discussed. And the show recap at dates and mates.com if you have a question and it didn’t make it in this week’s show, we are going to be doing more dear Dimona episodes starting next month there will be a another full episode all dedicated to your questions. So let me know what’s on your mind. Send me a voicemail. Did you see how fun it was when we can actually hear the other listeners voices. Don’t be shy. I love it when you message me. But I really love it if you send me a voice memo or you leave me a voicemail. I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials. And you can send me your questions there in the DMS or you can give me a call 424-246-6255 and just stream of consciousness. Let me know what’s on your mind. We’ll pull it all together and put it in our next show. And if you want more dating advice you want direct access to me. Why not join our Patreon Friends with Benefits group@patreon.com slash dates and mates. Listen, it’s five bucks. It’s just five bucks and you can get insider deals on my product. programs, access to special sessions and bonus features. And then you’ll also be helping to support the dates of mates podcast and make it free to so many folks who need help in love and may not be able to even spend that five bucks if you have it. Why not pay it forward and make love a reality for everyone around you. So don’t forget to vote vote like your love depends on it. And we’ll be back again next week with more dates and mates. Until then I wish you happy dating
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
Dating Horror Stories: Gold Diggers & House Arrest
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Today’s episode of the Dates & Mates podcast is my absolute favorite episode of the year!Every October, listeners call in with their creepiest, scariest, most horrible dating stories so that we can all laugh about it together.
Plus, I give my perspective as a dating coach on what went wrong and how everyone else can avoid these red flags.
Some of them aren’t so obvious:
Still some seem like no brainers that are easy to ignore in a moment of passion:
DATING DISH:
The Best Couples Costumes?
Mashable brings us this year’s Best Halloween Couples Costumes!
Say Boo To Ghosters
Bustle: texts to send to someone who ghosted you
Don’t Miss D’s Dating Tips
The definitive guide to pandemic dating.
Soul Mates & Skin Hunger
DO YOU FEEL IT? THE SKIN HUNGER?
You may have noticed that the weather’s getting a little cooler, and nights a little darker, and the skin hunger is setting in…
Totally not trying to freak you out. Skin hunger is a real thing and it’s not as creepy as it sounds.
Biologically right around this time, all humans feel the pressure to get boo’d up or at least find a cuddle buddy to weather the cold months with.
Especially this year, the cuffing season pressure is on y’all!
Today, Dr. Laura Berman – love & relationships expert and New York Times best selling author – is here to help us navigate everything from redefining soulmates to the current rise in infidelity. We’ve waiting a long time to have her on the show and we’re so lucky to be able to learn from this woman.
But first, let’s dish!
DATING DISH
Cuffing Season
Winter is coming, which means it’s almost cuffing season. However, it’s looking a lot different during a pandemic. Damona explains why.
Mask Fishing
A new term has been coined: Mask fishing. Damona weighs in.
Celebs Get Dumped From Apps
Sam Smith talks about getting kicked off Hinge for being a potential catfish.
REDEFINING SOULMATES
Dr. Laura Berman helps us navigate everything from redefining soulmates to the current rise in infidelity.
Check out Dr. Berman’s book Quantum Love: Use Your Body’s Atomic Energy to Create the Relationship You Desire
WANT TO READ ALONG?
Unknown Speaker 0:00
It’s a tale as old as time. He’s handsome, debonair. She’s pretty and sweet. They lock eyes across the room.
Damona 0:10
Okay, hold on. Honey, you need to get your facts straight. Finding love today is more like
Unknown Speaker 0:17
Greece posts to get my
Unknown Speaker 0:18
swipe was invited to share my life. What
Unknown Speaker 0:21
does this text mean? Maybe he’s just not that into me is this relationship going anywhere,
Damona 0:26
you can keep waiting for the fairytale. Or you can get on board with the new rules of relationships. If you’ve read my advice in the LA Times, then you know, this ain’t your mama’s love advice. This is dates in mates with damona Hoffman. Hello, lovers. Welcome to the show. We’ve had a lot of new listeners lately. So first, I want to give you a welcome and then a little primer of what we’re about on dates and mates. First off, I’m damona Hoffman certified dating coach, and I am a feminist. And I’m not afraid to say it, I believe in equality of the sexes, which is really the definition of feminism. And I’m against antiquated dating norms. That said, I know the world we’re operating in. I’ve been coaching singles on dating for over 15 years. And I’ve watched the evolution of courtship. Throughout the popularity of dating apps. I’ve seen research shift over the years, and I know the world of dating inside and out.
Unknown Speaker 1:27
So
Damona 1:28
I do not believe courtship is dead. But I do think you need to release your ideas around traditional chivalry. And while we’re talking about gender dynamics, I also believe that love is love. And for you, it might not look like your parents idea of love, or your neighbor’s idea of love. But I want to help you move into the relationship that makes you happy. No matter how you identify, we will get there with heart and with humor. And I’m not going to tap dance around the issue. So you might hear some things that are Q, but just know that I say them to motivate you. And I believe that people are most successful in love When they feel confident and when they have a plan. So let’s get into the advice on how to do that. You may have noticed that the weather’s getting a little colder, right, and the nights are a little darker, and the skin hungers setting in I’m not trying to freak you out. Skin hunger is a real thing, and it’s not as creepy as it sounds. Biologically right around this time all humans feel the pressure to get booted up, or at least to find a cuddle buddy to weather the cold months with and especially this year. The cuffing season pressure is on y’all. Today, Dr. Laura Berman loving relationships expert and New York Times best selling author is here to help us navigate everything from redefining soulmates to the current rise and infidelity. I’ve waited a long time to have her on the show everybody. As always, we kick it off with the headlines, including Are you ready for the ultimate cuffing season? And True or false? If they’re wearing a mask in a dating profile? are they hiding something? Plus, dating apps are ditching celebrities. And we will tell you why. For my tried and true dates and mates listeners, I’m going to try to switch things up a little bit this month. Rather than doing the headlines and an interview and the q&a. We’re going to save that juicy q&a for specific deer Dimona episodes. So first week in November, you will get an all q&a all deer demona episode. Trying out switching up. I’ve been doing this show for eight years, eight full seasons. So we have to make changes every now and then if you love it, let me know if you hate it, let me know. Either way, if you miss the QA and you want to connect with me, in a personal setting, we do still have the Patreon group which is going strong, which you can join for only five bucks@patreon.com slash dates and mates and that will give you access to a ton of additional content. Plus my private Facebook group where I do live q&a is every week and talk about what I learned and what was happening behind the scenes on each of these episodes. All right now it’s time to kick it off with the dish
Unknown Speaker 4:27
these dating dish.
Damona 4:29
Elite daily is putting the pressure on cuffing season. They let us know this is the cuffing season like no other. This article was actually sent to me by one of my patreon friends with benefits. Thank you so much, Jen. They highlighted the tweets the panicked tweets about the pressure that everyone is feeling around cuffing season. And surprisingly some people keep telling me that they don’t know what cuffing season is so sorry for those that already know but I’ll just give you a little primer cuffing season is that period between basically Halloween I would say although it keeps getting earlier and earlier as this elite daily article points out, but like Halloween and Valentine’s Day when people are looking to, to partner up, and part of it is biological, like we are wired to want to bond with somebody to make it through the cold winter months. Some of it is also social. We think of going through the holidays, we think of New Year’s resolutions, we we think of Valentine’s Day coming up. So it’s a combination of all those things. And this year, we have a kicker on top of it, the bonus you get is COVID. And the fact that you cannot have a dinner date out in a restaurant, but you can’t be outside in the cold. And everybody’s confused about what this means. So for some people in my patreon friends benefits group, they said that this article created more anxiety for them. I actually just I thought it was kind of funny. There were some funny tweets and funny quotes. Somebody said I eagerly await the thought piece on COVID zombies, the men who ghost for months or years and are now like, hey, as we approach the cuffing season of the century, another version said today’s weather signifies the official start of cuffing season. Corona cuffing season, find your guys gals, non binary hot people cups of tea cozy as blankets, shows you’ve been putting off for months and ways around the question. So what are we? The final one that I’ll I’ll tell you about. And you can go check this out. As always, at the dates and maids.com blog, we put the link in the show notes to all of these articles. They had a picture of beauty in the beast remember the beauty and the beast, the rose that was in the like capsule that was done that was dying and the petals are falling off and the Beast was trying to trying to save it before he became a beast forever. They said, This is me watching the window to find someone to have sex with before it gets too cold to have dates outside rapidly. I don’t want this to make you feel pressure. But I do want you to think about what you want what you want. Right now it is causing us to have to make some decisions. Like we were just in this state of limbo where we could just we could keep going in this casual dating landscape as long as we wanted. But now you have to really be mindful about who you let into your bubble and whether you want to prioritize finding a relationship. And I was saying to some of the people in the Patreon group, this might not be your season, maybe this isn’t your season to find love. So if you’re you’re working on your career, you’re building a business you’re you’re trying to survive, you’ve been laid off, then, hey, let that be your number one priority, no shame in the game. But if you are feeling like a relationship is the most important thing to you right now, then you better act like it. Well, in spite of relationships being very important to celebrities, some of them are getting dumped from dating apps. So Sam Smith, the pop singer is 28. He says he was kicked off of the dating app hinge. They thought he was a catfish, catfish, you know, like it wasn’t who he wasn’t who He said He is how bold you have to be to take an actual celebrities photo and put it on a dating app. I don’t know I have this experience. Also with a celebrity client. I was trying to get her verified on Bumble, I even linked it to her actual Instagram account. And they still kept rejecting the photos and saying that they didn’t pass standards. And I just don’t
Unknown Speaker 8:43
don’t
Damona 8:45
know what celebrities are supposed to do. And I feel like people are really frustrated with dating apps. A lot of people are, but man, it’s it could be worse. The celebrities can’t even get on them. It’s a privilege to even be on a dating app. Think of it that way and share it actually went on my favorite talk show the Drew Barrymore show where I’m the dating expert. She didn’t talk to me, but she talked to drew and she said she was done with dating. She’s had it with dating, please, if you get to that point, and you feel like I’m just done with it, maybe you should reach out to me, because I never want you to be in that space. There’s always there’s always the possibility for a relationship don’t ever completely give up even in the midst of COVID speaking of COVID my friend Taylor Andrews, who was on the show a couple weeks ago, wrote an article on Cosmos about a new term. You know, I love to tell you about the new dating terms. This one is mask fishing. Yes, he talks about woke fishing a few weeks ago. mask fishing means wearing a mask in your profile to appear more attractive than you are. Not because then people can’t see Your mouth or the bottom half of your face, but because it’s sexy, wearing a mask apparently, is very sexy, because it tells people where you stand. And a lot of the majority of people right now in America are pro mask. But there is this dating app. She she called it a dating app. Really, it’s it’s more of a sex app, the adult friend finder, they they implemented a no mask fishing mandate, which bans users from posting exclusively masked up photos on their profiles. I think that that’s a good practice overall. Like when I see somebody’s profile, and it only has pictures of them and sunglasses and hats, I can’t really see what they look like. And then I start to think maybe you’re hiding something which Taylor also references in the article. Why are we always assuming people are trying to hide something? wearing a mask is important. So here’s where I stand on the issue, I think, yes, it’s good to maybe have one mask photo, if you have at least four other solid photos where people can really see you. But as Taylor says, In this article, she says if I see you in your photos wearing a mask, I don’t have to dive into the so what are your thoughts on this whole COVID-19 thing? So it makes it a lot easier to know where you stand? Of course, there are the Add time ask people, maybe they should declare that in their profile too. And then it would save us all a whole lot of time. Speaking of time, it’s time for a little break when we come back. Dr. Laura Berman is here. I can’t believe it. I’m so excited. This is such a juicy conversation. So don’t go anywhere. I’m here with Dr. Laura Berman. She’s a love and relationship expert with decades of experience in the field of sex therapy. She’s a New York Times bestselling author, and award winning radio host and she’s a regular guest on TV shows like The dr. oz show. She’s a contributor to magazines like Cosmo, which we were just talking about before the break glamour and so many more. Let me tell you, Dr. Laura Berman is a really busy lady. I’ve been wanting to have her on the show for so long. And you’re gonna see why in just a moment. So please help me give big smooches to Dr. Laura Berman. I’m here. Oh, my gosh, I have so much to talk to you about how much time you got girl.
Unknown Speaker 12:19
I know we can talk for hours, right?
Damona 12:22
We’ll start off with like the most pressing issues, because a lot of people have been writing in about relationship challenges and dating in the era of COVID. Yeah, and isolation and all of these other societal pressures, they make us do some crazy things. So let’s just first talk about touch the power of touch. I hinted at it a couple of weeks ago but this idea of skin hunger right that we talk to me about really what that skin hunger is and what’s going on from a biological perspective. And socio Bobby
Unknown Speaker 13:04
looked about we are social creatures, our bodies and our psyches from evolution, you know, up to now we’re still evolving, obviously, is based on on community on connection on touch. And you know, even as, as early as the 1920s. And into the Second World War, there’s been so much research done. For instance, on little babies, when they aren’t adequately touched and handled, they often fail to thrive, they often die, they often have developmental issues. And it’s true for grownups as well we all need that’s why they’re, you know, these growing number of cuddle parties, you know, that we’re starting to develop preco better because people really are especially single people in today’s disconnected world and, you know, for good and for bad and there’s lots of good I mean, I’m a huge supporter of the me to movement, but you know, as with all good things, there’s also a little bit of a struggle and the struggle is how do you break you know, how do you bridge that gap to camaraderie and connection when most of our time is spent with work peers or at home and now with COVID those of us who are single, you know, and aren’t with our families who can give us a cuddle here and there you know, are stuck home without being touched and and with a very remote kind of connection, zoom and Facebook and FaceTime and everything else can only take you so far.
Damona 14:29
Most of my listeners, I find are looking for relationships. Mm hmm. Predominantly monogamous relationships, but but I’m hearing a lot more from people that are like, I’ll just just be crass with it. Like I just want to get it in. I don’t need like, I don’t need you to be my everything right now. But I haven’t had sex in months or I haven’t been touched in months.
What is your feeling on that like if you are really Looking for a relationship? Do you think it’s good to let the pressure off for a little while? Every once in a while?
Unknown Speaker 15:07
Or that’s such a it’s such a good time to? Because let’s just put COVID aside for a moment because and I know we can’t because that’s a big part of of your question, but just for a moment to talk about when you’re looking for a monogamous relationship. And, and I, you know, I’ve been coaching people through this for decades. And what I can tell you in particular, if you are a woman who is heterosexual, and looking for a monogamous relationship with a man, I really think you should not be sexual with that person until you are both clear that you both want a monogamous relationship. And you’re going to see if you can make a go of that together, meaning that neither one of you are dating anyone else or having sex with anyone else. Until further notice.
Damona 15:52
I agree with you. Yeah, and I’ve said that before, but I’m gonna play devil’s advocate. Yeah. Because I want to hear it from your perspective. Yeah. When, when you are having sex with somebody before you’ve made that agreement? Or if you’re just having casual sex, and like, I can have sex like a man. Yeah. How is that actually affecting us? From the clinical?
Unknown Speaker 16:19
Okay, so this is controversial, but I feel really strongly about it. I really wish that women could have sex like men, I want, you know, it would be what, and we can, in theory, and it’s our right to, and we’re empowered enough to certainly and there’s, you know, I’m not saying any of that I’m not saying nice girl shouldn’t do that at all. But what we know is that, you know, just biologically if you let’s say, you go and you pre COVID, right, you hooked up with someone who you couldn’t stand as a person, but he’s so hot, and you’re just horny. And hell, you can have sex like a guy, if guys can do it, you can do it too. And you go home, you have great sex with this really hot guy who you have no interest in anything with. And then you don’t know why the next morning, you are so bummed when he leaves before you wake up and doesn’t ask for your number and never reaches out again. And you don’t know why. Because you don’t want anything with them? Well, there’s a biological reason, because what happens, especially if it’s good sex, and especially if you have an orgasm, your brain gets washed with oxytocin, your whole body does, which is the chemical of attachment. It’s what breastfeeding mothers release to bond them to the baby. orgasms are bonding experiences, whether we want them to be and guys have an easier time if they have adequate levels of testosterone, because their testosterone will counteract the effects of the oxytocin. You know, there’s lots of evolutionary theories as to why guys are better designed for, you know, casual sex, biologically than women are. They’re spreading their seed. Yeah. I mean, they’re see far and wide and greater, you know, greater investment on the woman’s side, right? Because if, you know,
Damona 17:58
I don’t find it that controversial, I think, and I appreciate you speaking the truth, because I think I think more women need to hear this, and that we’re working against our biology. And I by no means am a traditionalist, as my listeners know. And it sounds like you’re not either, but what we’re talking from a, a clinical and biological perspective. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 18:20
And it’s, and it’s also like, you know, I talked to groups of women all the time of all ages, and I’ve started asking them in recent years, if you’re, you know, single women, if you’re, or even in a relationship, if you had a choice between, you know, wanting to become a sexual goddess, or learn how to be a sexual goddess, or learn how to be a porn star, which one would you want? And then I kind of dig into why and it’s so interesting to me how many women say off the cuff that they want it, you know, they would want to learn to be a porn star, you know, complete with the twerking and the and the pole dancing and everything that comes with that. And as we dig into why which is fine, great. I mean, whatever. But when we dig into why that’s where I get concerned, because the why is that the story is that that’s what men want. And if I can be a porn star, I can land you know, not literally a porn star but be like a porn star. Those are skills. Yeah, yeah, porn star skills. Right? Then I will not only get the guy I will keep the guy and it’s a very it’s the same same thing at play with women, you know, having sex before they get that monogamous conversation out of the way. It’s this hope that I can entice him or keep him. It’s an I call that sort of an outside in approach to sexuality versus an inside out one where it’s really coming from like, let me check you out. I have this amazing body and this amazing gift of my sexuality to share with someone who I choose. And let’s see if you are someone who’s worthy of my phenomenal gifts. You know, that is not something that the porn stars skilled woman is focusing on, right. And what I find is what men really are attracted to Yes, they love the porn star and skills, they will never balk at those. But what they really want is the sexual goddess. That’s the one that they’ll really get into a relationship, you know, want to be in a relationship with the one that they’ll really cherish and play with and connect to and be invested in, I find. And it’s not to say that a sexual goddess can’t have pornstar skills. Of course she can. She is coming from it from a very different place.
Damona 20:35
Yeah, I’ve even I’ve had this conversation with my husband, I’m like, would you have had sex with me on the first date if I let you? And he was like, I’m a man. Of course, I would have. And I really think about how might that have changed the trajectory of our relationship? And it wasn’t even like, I think some guys that are listening might say, women withhold sex, because they’re, that’s like their power right there.
Unknown Speaker 20:59
Yeah. So we’re talking about, I just feel like once you
Damona 21:03
cross that threshold, you can’t really go back, once you remove the anticipation, and the time to really get to know each other on a deeper level, that’s done, it’s gone. And you can’t get that back. So that’s why I like to have my clients and listeners just Just wait a little bit longer. Until they they have a little bit more of a bond or understanding of that person, and where the relationship is so
Unknown Speaker 21:28
much better if you do that, and so much more enjoyable. Yeah, not to mention, the chances of the relationship lasting, you know, are better. And, you know, like Steve Harvey used to say to me all the time when I, you know, when he was at a show, and I would go on there all the time, and his favorite thing is, you know, the cookie don’t give the guy the cookie. He says, Yeah, and I don’t think it has to be 90 days. But he once said to me, as I was kind of challenging me on this 90 day thing, and that was, you know, that was his number I you know, everyone is different in terms of when they get to that point, right. But what he said, which I do think is somewhat true, he’s like, let’s say there’s this, I’m paraphrasing here. But let’s say that there’s this beautiful garden, that a guy you know, wants to get into, and it’s got this really tall wall, and he needs to learn about it. He’s dying to know what’s in the garden, he wants to get into the garden, he works to climb over the wall and gain the trust of the garden, and then he gets to play in the garden, right, versus the guy who just has a very short little fence, he can just step over into the garden, which guy is really going to stay and explore the garden. The guy who had to work really hard to climb over the wall is probably going to stay and invest in like I worked hard to get here. Like I’m really gonna get to know this garden and stay here for a while and enjoy it versus Oh, let me see what’s over in that other green grass.
Damona 22:52
Right, exactly, exactly. We need we need people exploring the garden. But we’re in the middle of a pandemic. Yeah. I’m curious, like, I’ve had to re examine some of my rules and rewrite them even for this period. Yeah. What do you think for those people who haven’t had any intimacy, who aren’t comfortable going on? dates? Or just emerging into that space? Is there a place for casual sex? Even if you are looking for a relationship right now?
Unknown Speaker 23:24
Um,
Unknown Speaker 23:26
I, you know, it’s not my I don’t feel like I can, the easy answer is no, right? If you want to protect yourself from COVID, and you want to, and you’re someone who practices social distancing, and casual sex would not be socially distancing. Right. So just from that perspective, you know, I think dating in general is is really tough right now. And I think there are, I think this is a really interesting time, psychologically, for us as a world and as a, you know, for our consciousness at all. You know, overall, because everybody due to the fear, and this and the unknown, and the craziness in the world right now in the economy in the macro and the micro, right. We are all facing different kinds of emotional demons, and some relationships, just being isolated and stuck together in a small place, and not being able to kind of do your ships passing in the night thing that kept you sustained for years, because you only spent a few hours a day together, you know, now those issues that you swept under the rug are coming to the surface and needing to be cleared. People who are isolating alone are facing things about themselves and about their relationships and even how they’ve set up their lives in ways that haven’t been serving them. And now it’s like right in their face because of everything going on and how they The world has had to stop. And so instead of going outside ourselves, we’ve all had to go inside ourselves and I think this is part of it. That with dating in general. You You know, especially now until a cure is found or vaccine or whatever you want to say until we get past this time, right? If you are, you’re not, when you go on a date, you’re not just exposing yourself, you’re exposing everyone in your quote unquote, bubble, right or in your network, you’re exposing your family or your friends are your co workers or whoever’s been in there with you. So it requires the downside is that if you want to be safe, during you know, safe during this time, whatever that means, you got to be clear on what your social distancing strategy is in general, and you’re going to be really slow to bring someone into your bubble now, that could really put the kibosh on dating, but the silver lining in that which is really interesting to me, is that because of the risk, you’re not going to jump into casual sex, you’re not going to go on a million date with dates with random strangers, you’re going to get to know people first, before you even meet in person. Mm hmm. You know, you’re gonna get clear, not only on like, whether or not this person is worth the risk, but what are your social distancing rules and your policies? It’s kind of like a safer sex conversation, but around COVID Yeah, very funny. It’s gonna require a lot more communication. But a lot of dating has required people so far, which is always a good thing.
Damona 26:21
I agree with you on that. And, and we are getting to that point where we have to make some decisions. And I’ve said this before, on the show, and and in other media that I think, as awful as COVID is, and as much as I wish it had never happened. I think the outcome will be positive on relationships, and dating, not necessarily on every relationship now. And I want to talk to you about the impact for people who are actually in relationships. You kind of touched on that a moment ago, but there was a study published in the Journal of evolutionary psychology that showed the top reasons that married people or people in relationships are unfaithful to their partners. What are some of these signs? Because I’m sure there’s some people listening taking notes that are like, Okay, what, what are the factors that could lead up to infidelity?
Unknown Speaker 27:14
Well, what’s even more interesting about your question is the factors that would be kind of red flags for infidelity, during normal times are going to be a little bit different during COVID times,
Damona 27:25
all that tea girl
Unknown Speaker 27:27
all day. So if your partner is cheating in the past, they would have had lots of business trips or been large periods of unaccounted for time outside the home or going out late at night. Yeah, they’re probably not doing that. But they probably are doing that on their computer, right? Or on their smartphone. So there’s lots of you know, they’re high. So in general, right, the typical signs, and these aren’t guaranteed, but red flags would be, you know, hiding their phone all the time. Sort of, you know, running off to the side to talk up late at night, you know, things that just seem secretive is what you’d be seeing in the home. Lots of care suddenly put into their appearance, new underwear, new outfits, you’re not going to see any of that, really, if you’re always in your sweatpants at home during COVID. Right? Before, you would notice that your partner was going to the gym more often or had suddenly started dressing differently or got new boxers or lingerie, you know, all of a sudden, you’re not gonna necessarily see those signs during that time. You know,
Damona 28:30
it’s funny, you brought that up, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that like this, like negligee, a popped up in his Facebook ads, and he was like, he was like, my wife was like, Why are you looking at negligee? He was like, it has nothing to do with me. And I said, what you need to ask her? is why she’s searching it because it’s your it’s your same IP address that bring those ads? And if you didn’t search for it, then either she did or you need to talk to your daughter.
Unknown Speaker 28:56
Yeah, and you know, why not? Right?
Damona 29:01
Right. I’m no good, put a good spin on it. She’s,
Unknown Speaker 29:05
maybe she was just gonna surprise them.
Damona 29:07
But in the midst of COVID COVID we’re seeing different sides,
Unknown Speaker 29:11
different times, just a lot of secrecy. You know, my whole thing is that if you are in a monogamous relationship, there is no reason why you shouldn’t have each other’s passwords. And not because you’re checking all the time, you shouldn’t be because there’s nothing to hide. But because there’s nothing to hide, right. But if your partner is very secretive about their social media, or their passwords or their phone, or they’re, like sneaking off all the time, or, you know, not really present because they’re, you know, and they’re really secretive. It’s not just like an addiction to their smartphone, like lots of people have but they’re kind of hiding it from you. And they’re not interested in sex or they seem like you know, I see often when people are cheating. Once in a while, they’ll get super nice out of guilt. But usually they get really kind of critical and mean out of guilt because Cuz it’s like an unconscious way to justify what they’re doing. So they’re finding problems with you, or the other person is highlighting and letting them you know, creating issues where they’re now finding problems with you. But it’s a hard time to tell because people are just stressed in general. I do think that, you know, Facebook is cited in one in five divorces Now,
Unknown Speaker 30:22
a lot of how so
Unknown Speaker 30:25
because it’s like being at a high school or college reunion on steroids. You know, if you think about 20 years ago, if you might, you know, connect back with your first love your college sweetheart, or whoever it was, at the reunion, you know, now you’re connecting all the time on social media, and you get in an argument with your spouse, or you’re feeling unappreciated, or you’re just bored, or whatever it is, you start chatting, you start creating this connection, one thing leads to another and instead of reinvesting the energy in your relationship, you’re, you know, redirecting it into something towards someone else. What
Damona 31:04
about just being in the space with your partner, all day, every day? I’ve also heard you cite lack of personal space as one of Yes, it’s a big one. Yeah, and a lot of people want to
Unknown Speaker 31:19
want to escape and use infidelity or cyber sex or strangers or whatever, just to kind of get away. Um, but to me, that’s a sign of something else going on. I don’t think your average person who has a healthy attachment to their partner would necessarily need to go find another partner to escape. But I do think that it is extremely common even in healthy relationships to feel cabin fever. And especially if you’re used to having your own space during the day. I mean, I’ve had couples who are in teeny tiny apartments stuck inside, you know, and they were hanging blankets from the ceiling, just to kind of create a little bit of an enclave for themselves. And then all the arguments about whose job is more important, especially when the kids weren’t in school, you know, I have a meeting on the phone. Well, so do I, well, who’s gonna watch the kids you know, and whose job is more important? So we’re seeing a lot of those arguments too. But I do think this is a great time because even you know, you’re not going to concerts or trips or things that you might have spent that disposable income before So spend it on some couples therapy, use this time to jumpstart your relationship and use this crisis I post
Damona 32:32
Dr. Laura Berman, thank you so much for joining us on dates in there. And everybody make sure you check out Dr. Laura Berman calm we’ll put the link in the show notes and get your hands on her books. Oh, my goodness. It’s not him. It’s you how to take charge of your love life and create the love and intimacy you deserve quantum love. Check it all out at Dr. Laura Berman calm. Thank you so much for being here.
Unknown Speaker 32:53
Thanks for having me. I use it for that.
Damona 32:56
Yeah. And I like the way that you phrase that like basically taking that other other money that you might have spend spent on a trip or something else, and really investing in yourself and your relationship. Because I feel like we’ve just been putting a lot of that self care and self personal development off. I mean, of course not my listeners are listening to the show. They’re they’re learning but, but in general, are always the last thing that you take care of. And it is a flippin perspective to think we have this opportunity now to
Unknown Speaker 33:30
Oh yeah, that’s a great opportunity. I mean, I’ve been and it’s a great plate way to create space, like my husband and I are home and the kids are home all day together. But I started getting really into drawing and painting so I’m just like, in it while there’s chaos, you know, for a couple of hours while there’s chaos all around me. But it’s it’s kind of mine mental escape and physical escape. In some cases. It’s so good
Damona 33:55
to have your own thing to like, I tell this to my single listeners a lot like you can’t expect your partner to be your everything.
Unknown Speaker 34:04
And I have no
Damona 34:06
interest in common with you. You have your own thing that you figured out has made you happy during COVID and you are well matched with your partner as I am for mine. But I’m curious about your perspective on soulmates. I actually just did a project with attention and AMC. They have a new show on soulmates and they asked if I believe in soulmates and people who listen to the show for a while know that I’m not I’m not a big fan of the idea of soulmates of thinking that there’s just one person out there that you are destined to match with because I think it makes you have to search for a needle in a haystack. I want to know what your perspective is and what you tell people in your book quantum love.
Unknown Speaker 34:53
Well,
Unknown Speaker 34:54
here’s the thing. I think you’re part I think that every deep relationship is a soulmate. You know, I think that we, I really believe that we aren’t, you know, humans who have this spiritual experience that we really are spirits energy having this human experience, and that the basis of all of that is love and connection, and any deep relationship we have most of all our love relationship. What I really believe, after all these years, and I believe it with every part of myself, is that what we’re really doing is having a relationship with ourselves through that other person. Because our partner is our greatest teacher, and they’re triggering things in us. They’re inspiring things in us, they’re connecting dots inside of us. inspiring us, you know, but but it’s all about our own soul growth, which is why I think every person that we deeply connect with that way is a soulmate. So I do believe in a soulmate from the standpoint but it’s not one, it’s every close relationship is part of that journey to learning to love and be loved better, which is really what we’re here for.
Damona 36:04
I fully believe in that. And I want to just put a button on it for everybody listening, that that when you have this idea of one soulmate that really keeps you stuck and it keeps you in this is this and it keeps you in FOMO What if this person who I’m really into is not my soulmate?
Unknown Speaker 36:24
What if I’m like lose, you know,
Unknown Speaker 36:25
what if I’m committing to this person, but really go might be someone who’s really my soulmate, and I’m telling myself, This is my soulmate, right? Or you just keep blowing off opportunities, because you know, or you wait around forever thinking that there’s this one soulmate, and I don’t think that’s how I really have not found that that’s how we’re designed but your relationship should help grow your soul, for sure, for sure.
Damona 36:49
And I also agree with you on that point, that when you’re with somebody who really is your soulmate, one of your soul mates, you want to be a better person, it drives you to be the best version of yourself and you learn so much. And this is one of the reasons I’m so passionate about helping people in relationships because I just feel like my life has grown so much since I met my husband and it’s really the most important decision you’ll ever make who you choose to spend your life partner your life to life partner. So I am totally on board with everything you’ve said. And thank you for saying it in a much smarter way than I ever could have. True please check out Dr. Berman’s book, quantum love. Use your body’s atomic energy to create the relationship you desire. We’ll put the link in the show notes to get it on Amazon. Just a little disclaimer we get like a couple bad pennies if you buy it through our link. Not huge but we just really want you to get this book and support Dr. Laura Berman and make it super easy for you. This has been Episode 332 of dates and mates. I would love to have you in my patreon group. I would love to get into the nitty gritty of whatever your cuffing season dilemma is your COVID dating situation, your relationship infidelity. I don’t know whatever you’re dealing with. I want to know and I want to help you with it so you can join me there@patreon.com slash dates and mates. Hit me up on the socials at damona Hoffman. Remember I have that dear demona episode coming up. So I’m going to need your questions you can just slide into the DMS or even better leave me a voicemail you can leave it anytime day or night 424-246-6255 and you could hear your voice on a future episode of dates and maids. I’ll be back again next week with our special Halloween horror stories annual episode Look, they may have canceled trick or treating. They are not canceling Halloween horror stories on dates and mates. It’s been happening for years. And it will happen again next week. But guess what? We need stories we need to know what your worst dating horror stories are. So please get those dating horror stories in. And until next week. I wish you happy dating October and that means our annual Halloween dating horror stories episode is coming. What’s the worst thing that happened to you on a date? Do you want to warn others? I know you’ve had some spooky, frightening and downright creepy things happen to you on dates and now it’s your chance to tell your tale.
Unknown Speaker 39:46
So the next thing is she comes back in and she’s holding the 38 per bar.
Unknown Speaker 39:54
And then he’s like look and I scroll and I see a dick pic and it was like he this was a black man to dig deeper. was a white man. Why do you have a dick pic in your phone? He was just like, Oh, can you just overlook it? And I was like, No, we have to talk about this. It’s not even in your messages you say you download it.
Unknown Speaker 40:19
I get down stairs and my dates on a vest book. He lifts up the seat of the vest box in which he has washed in a bag a paper bag of course peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that he made at home random like Mexican ship that he got at it at an event he said and a grab bag one of those like guest bags people like like a goodie bag. He kept saying muggles to me. What? First of all, sir, what the heck is a muggle
Damona 40:53
I can’t wait to hear your dating horror stories and help others from suffering a similar fate more
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
The Phases of Dating During COVID
SAFE ONLINE DATING IN PANDEMIC TIMES
Since I began my practice, there have been only two major disruptors to the online dating process that have required me to modify my approach: Tinder and COVID.
Online dating was always one of my favorite mediums for singles to meet but Tinder and the apps that followed made online dating accessible to all and forever impacted the dating landscape.
COVID has changed everything about how to date online, use the apps, and filter for matches. Today, the number one question I hear is: “How does dating during COVID work?” Luckily for daters, the stages of dating have stayed the same, but the way we navigate them could be a little different.
These are the phases of online dating today:
Phase 1: Online Matching and Introduction
The speed of swiping is still just as quick as before but I find that daters are slower to move on to in-person dating in the pandemic as they take time to assess someone’s dating risk.
Phase 2: Texting/Messaging
This stage, which used to drag on for weeks or months, is truncated now because a call or video date is less risky than a traditional date. Before, people had to weigh the value proposition of an in-person date based on the investment of time and money. Now that those factors are removed, there is less pressure on this decision and singles are speeding through this part of the process.
Phase 3: The Phone Call
I have been a long-time advocate of the phone call prior to the first date. It is impossible to tell compatibility over text, yet before now, many people were skipping the phone call in favor of speed and efficiency. Now phone calls have once again become an accepted phase in the dating process as a lead up to a video chat or social distance date.
For my clients who are nervous about giving out their phone number, I recommend downloading the TextNow App which gives you a free alternative number that will ring to your primary phone. That way if you ever change your mind about a match, you can change your number safely and easily and keep it moving.
Phase 4: Social Distance Date
Once you have talked on the phone or video chatted, you will need to meet up in person to see if the connection is real within a month or less. Most catfish situations come up when the daters have never connected off the app so I encourage clients to move offline as soon as it feels safe and comfortable.
For months, singles have waited for things to return to normal. So if you ever wondered how to date online in the middle of a world-wide pandemic AND election year, my answer is: it’s a lot like the old model of online dating with more precaution.
Now, more than ever, those who are uncoupled have felt the weight of their decision to stay single or the frustration of being unable to find a suitable partner. However, we are in the new normal and dating will not return to the old model anytime in the foreseeable future.
The positive side of this shift is that it has slowed down the filtering phase. What had become a rapid-fire round of swiping directly to a date and the inevitable ghosting that followed has been replaced by more mindful conversations and meaningful phone calls and video chats.
Ultimately, you have to create your own safety plan for dating in the time of Coronavirus but if you move offline quickly, I recommend downloading the TextNow App to communicate safely then meet up in a COVID-safe environment, you can still find love in today’s world.
This blog is sponsored by TextNow. The app solves many major challenges that my clients face in dating today:
I’m proud to collaborate with an app that empowers modern daters to feel safe and secure. Click here!
Singles In America
CALLING ALL SINGLES IN AMERICA
Match released their 2020 Singles in America study and we are so excited to share some key points that we found super relevant to Dates & Mates listeners:
SEX WITH ROOMMATES
The study found 1 in 4 singles had sex with a non-romantic roommate. That’s about 24% of singles who had sex with their roommate during lockdown. Sexologists call this “situational sexual behavior”, which means social or environmental factors cause people to express sexual behaviors differently than their previous preferences.
Damona says to be mindful of your choices, because they do have repercussions.
CHANGES IN ATTRACTION AND IDEAL MATE QUALITIES
Singles are now practicing slow love: 63% said they are spending more time getting to know their partners. About 69% of app daters said they are more honest with their potential partners on things like the kind of relationship they’re looking for, the qualities they’re looking for, and chatting with people they won’t meet with in person.
Now 53% of singles say prioritizing their search for a relationship more now than they did before the pandemic. Singles are focusing less on physical attraction than before.
INTERRACIAL DATING/SOCIAL JUSTICE AS A MATCH FILTER
This is the first time Match has studied this particular subject and we are so excited to see that more people are open to new dating possibilities!
In the past, singles tended to seek partnerships with people with cultural similarities (same race, religion, socioeconomic status, etc.). This is called homogamy.
Now 64% of singles say they cannot have a relationship with someone who has a very different view about racial equality. Women feel stronger about this than men (72% of women vs. 59% of men).
Since the murder of George Floyd and the re-start of the Black Lives Matter movement, 24% of singles are now open to dating people of a different race or ethnicity.
How has the changing political climate affected your views on interracial dating? Are choices in dating accurately reflecting these views? If you don’t know, check out Damona’s article in the Washington Post on Racial Bias in Dating.
Spouse Hunting & Singles in America
SPOUSE HUNTING FOR SINGLES IN AMERICA
🚨 NEW DATING APPROACH ALERT 🚨
On this week’s episode of the Dates & Mates podcast, we’re joined by Brian Belefant, real estate agent and author, who explains how dating is exactly like house hunting according to his 99 rules of real estate.
Believe me when I tell you I LOVED this interview and can’t wait to see what y’all think 💗
Here’s a rundown of today’s episode:
Dating Dish (2:25)
Reba McEntire is all about that social distance date
Reba’s officially on the market and has endorsed the social distance date after healing from a divorce with Narvel Blackstock. Wait… did you catch that name? You’re not going to believe the connection to Kelly Clarkson here.
via GIPHY
What is Emophilia? Is it contagious???
Do you fall in love fast and hard? You need to hear this.
via GIPHY
Match FINALLY releases they’re annual ‘Singles in America’ study
Damona reports on the latest:
via GIPHY
SPOUSE HUNTING (12:15)
Don’t forget to order your copy of Spouse Hunting: Using the Rules of Real Estate To Find the Love of Your Life
TECHNICALLY DATING (31:23)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
via GIPHY
WANT TO GO DEEPER? READ ALONG HERE:
Damona 0:09
you can keep waiting for the fairy tale. Or you can get on board with the new rules of relationships. If you’ve read my advice in the LA Times, then you know, this ain’t your mama’s love advice. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello, lovers, I am so excited for today’s episode. It’s a really different kind of conversation today. And the idea actually began way back when I was online dating. You see, I used to tell my friends when I was trying to get them to see the benefits of online dating, I would say girls, it’s just like man shopping. It’s like having a catalogue of eligible bachelors. And I could just pick and choose the ones that I wanted. But the difference is, you don’t have to know if a shirt likes you back when you buy it. So my guest for today has flipped my perspective on this whole conversation and made me realize it’s much more like how shopping, then clothing shopping, because you do need that mutual match to make it work. And just think about the top qualities you look for in a mate. And then the things you look for in real estate, location, style, size. Hey, I’m talking about the house Get your mind out of the gutter. But first before we talk about the similarities between how shopping and mate shopping. I’m going to talk about today’s headlines including Reba McEntire is all about the social distance dating. And what is emo philia. And is it contagious? Plus, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Well, at least the moment that I’ve been waiting for. Match finally releases its 2020s singles in America study and there are some goodies in here. Then at the end of the show, I will answer your questions including have daters today forgotten all their home training, and some social distance date inspiration. Those are the headlines today and the questions I’ll be answering and now it’s time for the dish. These dating dish.
Reba McEntire is on the dating market and she is doing the dang thing too. She just revealed that she has been dating actor Rex Lin, you might know him from young Sheldon. And they have been doing it social distance dating style. They actually had a face to face dinner date back when the world was a regular place in January or February. And since that time, she revealed that they’ve connected over text and video chat and phone and things are moving along. And I just thought this was a just super cute because isn’t Reba super cute. And B I also thought it was interesting that she talked about the difference in courtship and the way that taking her time and getting to know him slowly, even across distance allowed her to see the real benefits in him. And to get to know him on a deeper level. Even though they’re not together all of the time. They are still able to form that bond, and boy does Reba need it because she got divorced from narvel Blackstock. Is this a name that you know, because it sounded familiar to me when I read it because I realized I also read a story this week that narvel is suing Kelly Clarkson. Why not because he is her former father in law. Did you hear that Blackstock name we talked about Kelly a few weeks ago, but because he’s her former manager, I am seeing a pattern here. He helped Reebok to launch into stardom from country music to mainstream television shows. And the same for Kelly Clarkson. And now he’s common for her and saying she owes him millions of dollars, which made me wonder how did she get millions of dollars for hosting TV shows. As soon as I figure that out, and as soon as I’m able to give Kelly Clarkson some dating advice. I will report back but in the meantime, I think you can take a page out of rebbes book and use social distance dating as a way to really form a deeper bond and find somebody that’s maybe not so money hungry. emo philia you did you catch it? emo philia is the tendency to fall in love fast and often. So I don’t think it’s contagious. I didn’t mean to worry you. You can’t protect your With mask from getting it, but you can become aware if you have the tendency to what experts are calling emotional promiscuity. You, if you find yourself you succumb to others charms very quickly, or you’re likely to ignore relationship red flags, oh my goodness, this happens so much with my private clients, we’ll go through all of the red flags and the must haves. And then you meet someone and boom, you’re just emotionally attached to them. This is a little bit different from anxious attachment. Because if for those who read the book attached, which is a fantastic book, Dr. Amir Levine. He talks about the different styles of attachment anxious and avoidant, but the anxious attachment styles jump into relationships really quickly. But it’s not because of a reward motivation. It’s it’s motivated by inhibition or avoidance of a negative emotional state, especially specifically, specifically fear and anxiety. We’re all moving away from that. So please be on the lookout if you feel that you are an emo Fili AK. And you fall in love too fast and too often. Maybe you need to read up on what Reba McEntire is doing and slow it down. Dr. Helen Fisher always says practice slow love. And I say the same thing. Hey, speaking of Dr. Helen Fisher, she has once again partnered up with a match to do their singles in America study. And she’s a biological anthropologist.
And what they do every year is they take a huge sample of singles, thousands of people, and they pull them on all of these attitudes about being single in America. And then they let people like me talk about this data for for all time. So here are the headlines, I want you to know, there are a couple things in this year’s report that really surprised me. Did you know that a quarter of singles had sex with a non romantic roommate over the last six months in the pan Demi. I cannot believe that that many people would cross that barrier with somebody that they are not romantically involved with. But sexologist call this situational sexual behavior I had never heard of this I’m learning to as we go along. And the meaning of that is that social or environmental factors can cause people to express sexual behaviors different from their previous preferences, and behaviors under most normal circumstances. And this made me worried y’all not just for those who are having sex with their roommates, and men are now going to still be stuck with them for months and months and have to figure out how to normalize all of this. But it made me wonder what other sort of unexpected sexual behaviors people are engaging in because, you know, we we are approaching this period of, of skin hunger and the drought of touch. And I’ll be talking in next week’s episode, a little bit more about that and how that affects us. But just really be mindful of your choices, because they do have repercussions. Most people two thirds a single said they’re ready to go on an in person date. And of course, there was a huge, huge increase in video dating over the last three years, they found they said only 25% increase. I think it’s been way more than that in the middle of the pandemic. But maybe that’s the number that we’ve settled on. So a lot of you have been asking me, is it okay to now move from a video chat to an actual social distance date? Yes, you have my permission, you may move offline. I would prefer you still wear a mask or social distance at least six feet and be outdoors. But you do you boo. The one thing that is really key we talked about this a couple weeks ago, you have to find somebody that is sharing your political beliefs. According to this study. 76% of singles believe it’s important for a partner to share their same political beliefs. But here’s something that was super crazy about that. nearly a quarter of singles change their political affiliation during the pandemic. This is a juicy juicy study this year. I’ve also been asking them to give me some data about interracial dating. And finally for this year, for the first time, they have included that there has been an increase to singles being open to dating people of a different ethnicity 58% increase so lucky all the numbers don’t lie. Let’s all get with the program date for the future. cuffing season is upon us and In a moment, I will be back with my guest Brian bellefonte, who is a real estate agent with a new book and a new approach to dating. According to the way he helps people find houses, don’t go anywhere, y’all. I’m here with Brian Belafonte. He is a real estate agent with some pretty big ideas on house hunting, and spouse hunting. Following an unexpected divorce. He wondered if he could use his set of 99 rules of real estate that he developed to re enter the dating world with the goal of finding a new spouse. He’s written it all down in his brand new book spouse hunting using the rules of real estate to find the love of your life. And now he’s going to give us a sneak peek. Please help me give big smooches to Brian Belafonte.
Unknown Speaker 10:48
Oh, tomato, thank you so much for having me.
Damona 10:50
Okay, this is a different kind of conversation. And I knew the minute I heard about your book, I was like Dayton mates, listeners need to know this. So your book is spouse hunting, using the rules of real estate to find the love of your life. I think this is so smart and such a such a great approach. But I want to break it down so that people are able to follow these steps and then get your book and, and and do it to a tee. One of the important things that in real estate there, you know, buying and selling are two separate transactions. And I think it’s important to keep that in mind when you’re dating too. It’s like you don’t want to buy
Unknown Speaker 11:29
a spouse. And I know that’s, you know, that’s gonna raise some hackles. But you don’t want to find a partner who doesn’t want to find you. So you’re simultaneously Buying and selling. And so when it comes to buying, what you’re doing is you’re evaluating the market to see what the landscape is, then you’re looking at the properties that are actually on the market at that moment. And then among those, you’re choosing the ones that fit you the best.
Damona 11:51
Well, first, we just have to get everyone in the mindset of being the buyer, because I’m totally on board with this. And like I’m always telling people, you want to be the one that’s doing the picking, right, you’re selecting, but you bring up a really good point, Brian, you have to select among the pool that’s out there like yeah, I guess there are those people that go up and knock on doors. I did this actually, I was looking for my house. It did not work. No towball. Listen, this did not work. But I, I had my realtor go and knock on somebody’s door because I was like, I love that house. And that’s like sort of the equivalent of like approaching somebody with a wedding ring and being like, Yeah, I love your ring. Take it off. I love your house. And they were like, Are you kidding me? Get out of here. We’re not selling
Unknown Speaker 12:39
can happen. And I actually have done that. You know, when I was first getting into business school around the neighborhood, just talk to people find out you know where they are with their house, how happy they are? If they’re interested in something, yeah, most of the time now. So let’s translate
Damona 12:52
that to dating. let’s translate that to dating. Should you be having conversations kicking the tires with people not knowing where they stand? If they’re single or not?
Unknown Speaker 13:03
Yes, and no, the way I see it is, it’s a lot easier to go out to the market that is available and looking because you do want to partner up with somebody who’s looking to partner up. And there are a lot of reasons One of them being the wedding ring that people aren’t interested for a while after my divorce. I was, you know, occasionally dating, but I certainly wasn’t looking for a relationship. And so there were a couple of times when people come up and kick my tires, and yeah, we’ll go get coffee, we’ll have dinner, whatever, but it wasn’t gonna go anywhere. And I tried to be clear about it as clear as I could have been. The reality is, though, if you’re looking for a partnership, you got to find somebody who’s looking for a partnership to otherwise you’re just gonna end up being disappointed most of the time.
Damona 13:49
I fully agree, which is why I highly recommend dating apps. And I know people are some people listening might say, well, you’re just saying that because you met your spouse that way. And, and I’ve worked with a lot of the different dating apps, but I really say it for the exact reason that that you say work with the existing market, because you already know most of those people are at least interested in casual data. And yes, I know everybody’s gonna be like, but there are people who will go on the dating apps and they’re married or they’re looking to be polyamorous or they’re not looking for anything serious. Yes, but the majority of the people there are looking for casual dating, or more versus people were like just teach me how to like everyone’s fascinated with my, my social media dating techniques and how to make a match that way. I gotta tell you, it’s a lot harder. It’s far more work than going to a pool of already up already qualified sellers, I guess if you’re the buyer
Unknown Speaker 14:59
Yeah. You’re absolutely right. And I I’m a big fan of the dating apps too, because I met my current girlfriend on Redfin. Exactly. Redfin and Zillow did the same thing, as you know, Keller Williams and the little boutique agencies. And yes, they all have sort of access to the same properties. Because Yeah, you I do believe like what you say and you’re, you’ve said in a couple of your episodes, don’t just limit yourself to one map. Kind of a couple of them got
Damona 15:26
Yes. Yeah. And and like, like you’re saying, Redfin is sort of an aggregator of a lot of different ones. So it is good to be on multiple, multiple apps at the same time. So let’s flip the thinking. Now, Brian, we’ve talked about the buyer perspective. Let’s talk about the seller perspective. What have you learned from as a real estate agent? What Tell me about how the mindset of the seller and the experience of the seller aligns from the dating perspective?
Unknown Speaker 16:00
Well, I think that from a seller’s perspective, a lot of it has to do with marketing, it’s getting yourself out there so that people who are looking know that you’re available. And one of the things that we see in the real estate market is there are buyers markets, and there are sellers markets. And so if you’re in a seller’s market, that means that there you know, there are more buyers out there, then there are properties that to buy. And so all you kind of have to do is plant the flag and people will come. But if you’re in a buyer’s market, then you’re going to have to fight for people’s attention. And I believe that what you can do, especially when it comes to these apps, but all these other channels as well, is do the marketing, you know, position yourself within the market create the messaging that explains clearly who you are, and what you are offering. And when I say offering, it’s like, I do believe that when it comes to dating and real estate, you’re not so much buying the thing, you’re buying the lifestyle, you’re buying the promise that the thing gives you, what is my life going to be like with this person or in this house?
Damona 17:07
And I think you said that, yeah, go on, go on.
Unknown Speaker 17:10
Well, so that’s what i think that you know, that’s what you can do this with the opportunity it gives you with these apps, but also I mean, and I know it apps are easy to talk about, because they give you the opportunity pretty easily. But it’s like, Alright, if you are looking for me, here’s what your life is going to be like when you’re with me. So if you you know, if there’s a picture of me making a face in a bathroom in a selfie, that tells a whole different story from me hanging out with friends, you know, on a dock watching the sunset, I mean, what life Am I offering you that you can see yourself as being part of
Damona 17:46
I love that you picked up both on the storytelling telling element that I mentioned on the show, like tell your story through your dating profile photos. But beyond that, I also do visualizations with my clients. And some of my listeners have heard my ideal mate visualization, where you’re putting yourself in the future of what does it feel like to be with that person? And that’s exactly why I do it. Right. It’s amazing how much overlap there is between house hunting and spouse hunting.
Unknown Speaker 18:18
Yeah, it was just a fantastic epiphany when I realized that it is the same process. I mean, you’re going for a feeling.
Damona 18:24
Right? Yeah. Right. And in a way, you know, my background is as a casting director, in a way, it’s the same thing there. It’s like, how does that person feel in that
Unknown Speaker 18:33
role?
Damona 18:34
But in the book, you talk about time how to stop wasting time with people who aren’t qualified or interested? Yeah. This is one of the number one things I hear from listeners, like everybody’s like, I do not have time to waste on these people who are not a fit. How do we stop wasting the time using the rules of real estate? Brian?
Unknown Speaker 18:57
Well, I think first thing you have to do is have clarity. And the first bit of clarity is what it is that you want. And, you know, if you want a relationship that’s different from getting laid. And I’m not saying there’s you know, one’s better than the other, it’s what you want, you need to know. And if it is that you want a relationship, then it’s easy to evaluate the people you’re looking at and going. Does this look like a person who wants a relationship? If the answer’s no, move on? It’s that easy.
Damona 19:25
Yes, it can be that easy. We make it more complicated. I imagine you see that as well like with, with buyers that sometimes we make it too complicated.
Unknown Speaker 19:35
Sometimes we do and the other thing that it’s hard to account for is that feeling you get inside, you know, you walk into a place and it’s like, oh my god, it’s perfect. And you do that with people and unfortunately, sometimes it It isn’t the right person. It just you know, you get sort of taken down this path that isn’t the best thing for you and doesn’t meet the criteria that you think you’ve established for yourself, but you can’t help yourself.
Damona 20:01
We can’t help ourselves, what are some of the other negatives that you run into with buyers? Like what are the things as a real estate agent that are frustrating about the the buying and selling experience that might be able to be applied to dating, and hopefully help people learn where some of their shortcomings as a data might be?
Unknown Speaker 20:26
I think the biggest one that comes up is when people make a decision based on a feeling without having the information. And I see this, like with house sellers, it’s really easy. People got my house is worth $650,000. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. But the value that you think the house has is the one thing that has nothing to do with what somebody will pay for it. You know, and doesn’t matter what you put into it, what matters is what somebody else thinks it’s worth. And this works both ways people think of themselves, you know, not objectively, they don’t mean, I’m not worthy of somebody who’s whatever. Or they think that, you know, I’m too good for that. And I think the important thing there is just have a realistic perspective, like, this is who I am. And I’m not saying that, you know, don’t have high hopes, you should always have high hopes, you should find the perfect person for who you are. But you should also be the perfect person for who they are. Mm hmm.
Damona 21:28
And you’re not making this up. You you’ve, you’ve tested these strategies, you’ve tested them on yourself with a book,
Unknown Speaker 21:37
I’m always I’m one of those people that likes to figure out how things work. When I first got into real estate, I was not ready for any kind of relationship. So I just dove in to work. And I would write down these rules of real estate to help me figure out how to approach approach to the process with my clients. And then when I think you know, things settle down, and emotionally, I was ready to find a relationship. That’s when I had the epiphany. It’s like, Okay, this process can work for finding a partner. And wouldn’t you know, it did, I mean, I’ve got this amazing girlfriend is perfect me, she thinks she’s perfect, I’m perfect for her. And it was using those rules that got me here. So that’s why it turned into a book.
Damona 22:24
See, I love the Curiosity there too. Like, a lot of times we get caught up in in the feeling like you were saying, and also in the feeling of being single, like the commiserating with our girlfriends, the the feeling that the the talking about dating apps, and how frustrating and awful they are. And that becomes an echo chamber of our thoughts. But you actually found a way out by taking this, you know, the love lab of your life, and really systematizing it, which is essentially what I’m always talking about on the show.
Unknown Speaker 22:59
And the important thing too, is that this is a process, it’s not a solution. It’s not like read this book, and you’re going to find the person. Now, read this book or follow your advice. And you’re going to find an approach that will help you find a person. But it’s the approach that’s going to make things more efficient, it’s going to help you identify the people that aren’t appropriate, it’s going to help you hone your messaging so that you’re saying the thing that will appeal to the person that will appeal to you, those kinds of things.
Damona 23:30
So all of all of these things are important as you’re in real estate, you have to have sort of the headline, the hook. And then you have to have the description, you have to have the photos. And then but then there’s all these other elements to the package of like, you know, location, location, location, right? And all of these other things, the schools educate, I’m just thinking of all the parallels right now. And my nerdy brain is just going wild. What I’m curious about Brian, is does this same system work equally from them? And
Unknown Speaker 24:05
I’m convinced it does. Um,
Unknown Speaker 24:09
when I first came up with a draft of the book, I pass it around to, you know, people who I could trust for advice. And as it turns out, my circle at that time was a lot of women. Strangely, a lot of people that I’ve met on dating sites, and we just became friends. And the responses were pretty uniformly Yeah, this is good. This helps the seller I’m not ready for this, but thank you. I can’t see why this wouldn’t work. I tried really hard to make it sort of agnostic in terms of gender or sexual identity. And the people that I’ve talked to have been pretty supportive and saying, Yeah, you did a pretty good job with that.
Damona 24:50
And they’re 99 years old, a little bit about, you’ve told us like, I don’t know. But why 99 is that an auspicious
Unknown Speaker 24:59
number? I
Unknown Speaker 25:00
mean it, when I sort of wrote them all down, it came out to 98. And I thought 99 felt better. So I duplicated one. And the duplication is sort of meant to emphasize the rule itself, you know, in a
Unknown Speaker 25:16
meta way.
Unknown Speaker 25:20
Yeah, that was you can’t step into the same river twice. And what that means is, when you’re looking for a house, right now, you can look from among the houses that are available in the market, but six months from now, most of those will be sold, and new ones will be listed. And that’s the same thing with dating, when you go onto a dating site. Yeah, you’re gonna see the same person every once in a while, but the pool changes people get into relationships, people die, people, you know, get divorced, whatever. But what you’re looking at now is different from what it’s going to be then. And inversely, or conversely, or whatever, presumably, you’re going to be slightly different as well, you’ve matured, you’ve learned you’ve, you know, whatever. And you found things that are more important now than they were six months ago.
Damona 26:10
Well, keeping that timeline in mind, since our lives are dramatically different than they were six months ago. And when I look to the future, I hope, I hope I hope our lives are dramatically different than they are right now. I’m curious if these rules because you wrote this at a time when COVID wasn’t a thing, how did these rules still apply? In a time? So I
Unknown Speaker 26:33
think one thing they help in many ways, I think one of the things that COVID has done is it’s forced us to be a little less quick to jump into intimate relationships with people. Which I think is you know, when it comes if you’re looking for a relationship, you don’t get distracted by as easily or as quickly by you know, that interpersonal stuff, the feel of somebody’s skin, oh, my God, you know, that that could mess with your brain? Yeah, I can.
Damona 27:11
And it does, it does. And when we we forget, like, we want to be so evolved, but we are still biologically wired. And in a way the world that we live in is almost working against biology in some ways, and we’re having to adapt and and relearn, just like you know, you’ve had to adapt throughout your life you’ve had, you’ve had some big life changes, you’ve had a divorce, and then a big move and a new career. And you’re constantly making it work. So I I love the philosophy that you have. I love the book. And I really,
Unknown Speaker 27:53
really appreciate you having me on.
Damona 27:58
lovers, we have more ground to cover in just a moment, I will be back answering your questions on everything from what kind of standards should you uphold in dating today and social distance, date inspiration, you got to get out there and be dating but we can’t have another boring, boring interview style date. You want to know what you can do that will be a little bit more fun. Stick around.
Welcome back. We are here with your favorite segment where I answer your questions do
Unknown Speaker 28:37
damona helped me?
Damona 28:39
This question was emailed to me Dimona at damona Hoffman calm. It seems like a lot of men are more lacs about their standards right now. And I struggle to find people who seem in line with me suggestions on how to figure out where I stand with people. This is very interesting, because the idea of other people being lacs about their standards, I don’t know if this person is referring to standards around COVID dating, which I am finding lean a little bit more towards women being being more
a little bit more more conservative on how far they’re willing to go or how intimate they’re willing to get with someone without knowing their COVID status. But if we’re just talking about standards in general, I think that you get back what you put out. So if you’re allowing people to have lacks standards to treat you in a way that is disrespectful or you’re continuing to say swipe right on people that seem to have put very little effort forward in their profile, then you will get stuck in an echo chamber of receiving those same things. You can go back to the algorithms episode or gaycupid episode when I talked about how You’re, you’re getting more of what you don’t want, sometimes when you are swiping the wrong way on the wrong people. But in terms of how to figure out where you stand with people, I say just go for it. I I’m a big fan of doing either a video chat, or a phone call before the first day and people are always asking me like, last week, I was on the Drew Barrymore show and this woman said, How do I move to the phone call without making it awkward? It’s only awkward if you make it awkward. You tell people what your standards are, you teach people how to treat you. And those who are willing to step up will step up. And those who either feel that you’re too much, or feel that they cannot reach that barrier, they will gracefully step themselves out. But the only way that you’ll know is by boldly making the line and figuring out like, when I do the the video chat, I don’t just say, oh, let’s video chat sometime, or here’s my number call me. I have my clients say call me between six and eight. And then you know, is this person in integrity? Are they good with time? Are they going to respect your boundaries? And in a way it’s a test. It’s not like a test test, but it’s it’s an indication of what their standards are. And that can tell you a lot about their compatibility for you in the future. My next question also was an emailed question. Did I mentioned demona to Mohammed calm, or you can Instagram me? Or you can DM me on Instagram at damona Hoffman? Moving on. This person says I need some social distance data inspiration, what are virtual or in person activities that go beyond a picnic hike or staring at each other through screens? Well, I think that we can get more creative with the staring at each other through screens. I like to gamify that first date, maybe doing 20 questions playing, playing taboo, doing a sip and paint night, somehow bringing in an activity that takes the pressure off the staring at each other through screens. I’m a big fan of the hike. I think hikes are great. The weather is going to turn a lot of places. So enjoy. Enjoy it while you still can. I’m from the Midwest, you guys know. So I have been through all the seasons. Now I live in California, and I don’t I don’t deal with that anymore. But I can relate. So y’all need to step up your your cuffing season game right now. Go for the hike. But okay, you don’t want to do hike, look, do yoga in the park. You can stargaze in your own backyard like I have a an app that tells me what the constellations are on my phone, you could do that. You could do do a virtual escape room or do like a virtual I did this virtual game through let’s called let’s roam. It’s an app. It’s really fun. And it’s like a scavenger hunt. And so that can make your virtual date really fun. Or it can make your in person date really fun. If you do it together. Do a book club, get creative, get creative, and it’s not going to just happen naturally. You have to you have to make the dates more fun, you have to come up with ideas that get you out of the box. Because believe me, it’s easy. I understand. I am tired in this quarantine. And I’m tired of this quarantine. I fully understand how it’s much easier to just Netflix and chill. And it’s much easier to just be like, oh, let’s go for a walk or let’s go to the park. But if you put in just as much more more effort, you can get a lot more bang for your buck and find you’ll have more to talk about you’ll have a better time and you will feel less like you’re wasting. You’re wasting time you’re wasting connections if you are just going to the dates by rote so I hope those social distance date ideas give you some inspiration. And be sure to check out the dates and rates blog for more tips and more social distance date ideas and dating advice. This is Episode 331 updates and mates. Check out Brian’s book to y’all. This is so revolutionary. I so loved my conversation with Brian. We will put the link to the book on Amazon but you can also look up spouse hunting using the rules of real estate to find the love of your life. I want to hear your questions. We’re doing something special in a few weeks with the deer demona I’ll tell you about in a few weeks, but in the meantime, I want to hear your questions. So DM me at damona Hoffman on all the socials. And by the way, do not forget we need those ratings and reviews so we can heal all those hearts. You’re a part of a movement So, do your part. Just take us I swear 90 seconds it’ll take you 90 seconds. You can do a rating and a review and thank you to all of those who have done that already. I loved reading from marquees who said even while you’re locked away, listening to Dimona can help you find love. She’s the absolute best. You’re the absolute best marquees you leave me a review like that, I’ll be sure to shout you out on the show. I’ll be back again next week with Dr. Laura Berman. We’re going to talk about skin hunger, and so much more. You may remember her from her own radio show. She’s also been on the Steve Harvey show. This is a hot one. Make sure you’re subscribed so you get that the minute it posts. Until next week. I wish you early voting and happy dating
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
Single Shame & Women’s Intuition
SINGLE SHAME
So right now I’m feeling some frustrated big single energy from some of my listeners.
Many of you are writing in, feeling like time is passing you by – especially right now.
So, today is all about refocusing that energy and reexamining any shame you’re carrying around singlehood so you can move on with your love life.
To do this I’ll be welcoming to the show to Dr. Karin Abrell, author and host of the “love and life” podcast.
She spent 27 years as a single woman looking for the love of her life and thought she was doing something wrong. Her story has a happy ending and I can’t wait for her to tell you what she learned along the way.
Let’s dish!
Dating Dish (2:16)
Eric Benet
Eric Benet believes birth control is being given to the wrong gender. Damona weighs in.
Beard Baiting
Men have been growing out their beard to increase their dating success, a term that has now been called “beard baiting”.
Danica Patrick
Danica Patrick says she now know what she’s looking for after her recent breakup.
DEMI LOVATO (9:03)
Demi Lovato breaks off her engagement with Max Elrich. They were only dating three months before getting engaged. Damona weighs in.
THE POSITIVE OF BEING SINGLE (12:55)
Dr. Karin Abril shares tips she learned from her experience of 27 years in the dating scene.
The audio version of the book is coming out next month “Single is the New Black: Don’t Wear White ‘Til It’s Right”
TECHNICALLY DATING (36:20)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Cosmopolitan Mag & Safe Sexting
U UP?
So remember back in the old days – like last year – when you were in the mood for a booty call and all you had to do was send a simple “u up?” text??
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Are you now prefacing your “u up” text with a COVID questionnaire? – have you come into contact with anyone with Covid-19? Have you been out of the country in the last 4 weeks? Do you have a cough, fever, shortness of breath, or any other symptoms possibly related to Coronavirus?
Just kidding please don’t do that. We’d much rather you start with virtual dating than put you at risk or risk turning a new partner off completely.
But to make these new connections, we’re having to reexamine our strict “no sexting” policy? If you can’t have real casual sex in today’s world, can you have virtual sex?
Today we called in Taylor Andrews – sex & relationship editor at Cosmopolitan Magazine! She’s here to give us the new rules on romance in 2020 and tell us about the trends that have come across her desk and her forthcoming book Cosmo’s Fantasy Sex Games.
Disclaimer: We don’t get too graphic in this episode but we do talk about sexting and the book Cosmo’s Fantasy Sex Games soooo, now you can’t say you weren’t warned.
But first, we dish!
DATING DISH (1:28)
The Universities with the best dating scene
StuDoc has found that Utah Valley University, Brigham Young University, California State University Fullerton, Northeastern University, and University of Virginia have the best dating scenes. It might surprise you to know that BYU was actually the student population that popularized Tinder! This is relevant to you and your dating life. Damona explains why.
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Are you sexy?
There is now actual proof that if you feel hot (read: aroused), you are more likely to find the confidence to make a date happen. Damona breaks it down.
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Stars, they’re just like us
Drew Barrymore shares that she, too, gets stood up by random dudes on dating apps. WTF?
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SAFE SEXTING TIPS (11:00)
Everything you need to know about safe sexting from Cosmopolitan Magazines very own, Taylor Andrews!
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We discuss:
Pre Order your copy of Cosmo’s Fantasy Sex Games Here! https://amzn.to/3cA3jsN
Make sure to check out Taylor’s work in Cosmopolitan Magazine for all the juicy news!
TECHNICALLY DATING (29:40)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:00
Hello lovers, it’s Dimona. I have a new goal of reaching 10,000 more hopeful romantics before the end of 2020. But I need your help. There are three quick and free ways to support the show and spread the message of love. Number one, subscribe. Okay, look at your phone right now. And tap the subscribe button if you’re not subscribed already. And then you’ll get every episode The minute it goes live. Number two, rate and review. If you’re liste ning on Apple podcasts, go ahead and scroll all the way down to the bottom where it says ratings and reviews. Then click as many of those five stars as you want. Maybe five if you’re feeling frisky, and then you can even click write a review to tell everyone why you listen. And number three, share tell your friends about us. Click the three dots by this episode and dm it to a friend who needs to hear this advice. do three and keep dates and mates free for eight more seasons. And we can reach our goal together of healing those 10,000 hearts. Hey, Hey, Hey, welcome to dates and mates. So remember back in the old days, like last year, when you were in the mood for a booty call and all you had to do was send a simple you up text. Now are you processing your uop text with a COVID questionnaire like have you come into contact with anyone with COVID-19? Have you been out of the country in the last four weeks? Do you have a cough fever, shortness of breath or any other symptoms possibly related to Coronavirus? kidding. I’m kidding. I’m kidding. Do not do that. Please. I would much rather you start with virtual dating then put you at risk or risk turning off a new partner completely. But to make these new connections, I’m having to re examine my strict no sexting policy. If you can have real casual sex in today’s world, can you have real virtual sex? Today, I called in Taylor Andrews, sex and relationship editor at Cosmo magazine. She’s here to give us the new rules on romance in 2020. And tell us about the trends that have come across her desk and her forthcoming book, the cosmos fantasy sex games. First though, we got to get you all up to speed on what’s going on in the news. We reveal the universities with the best dating scene. And will you really look sexier? If you feel sexier? Plus stars they’re just like us. Drew Barrymore reveals her big dating app debacle. Then at the end of the show, I will answer your questions including I need intimacy, but I’m worried I’ll catch feelings. And is he busy? Or just not that into me? disclaimer folks. We don’t get to graphic In this episode, but we do talk about sexting. And of course the book Cosmos fantasy sex games. So now you can’t say that you weren’t warned. Let’s dish Our first story actually comes to us from Stu docu which is an online platform with study tools for students. They surveyed over 100,000 students from 15,000 universities to find the schools with the liveliest dating scene and some of the top five might surprise you. Number one was Utah Valley University. Number two was Brigham Young University number three, Cal State Fullerton where I have spoken before number four, Northeastern University, and number five University of Virginia. I don’t even have to look at all the results to know that my own college didn’t make the cut because the dating scene there was dead.
But here’s what’s really interesting, Brigham Young University for those of you who have been listening to the show for a while, you know that this is not the first time that I’ve highlighted Brigham Young University in a dating dish. Because back in 2013, this school, which has a high number of Mormon students, a big Mormon population was actually the school that put Tinder on the map. And here on dates and mates in 2013, you could hear me talk about how this new app was taking the dating world by storm. And it was sort of launched there at Brigham Young. And so it wasn’t actually even a hookup app, as a lot of people were saying in the beginning. They did seed it at a lot of universities, and it really took off at Brigham Young. And they even reported later that year in 2013, that it had led to a number of marriages of people who had matched on Tinder and then moved into serious relationships and become engaged with even just a few months. So I totally buy the stew doc you survey I will put a link to it in the show notes. But I would say if you want to know what’s going on dating and relationships, you should probably figure out what’s going on at Brigham Young University. There’s more news that’s fit to print, psychologists have been examining something that’s called the biased perception of romantic success. What they mean by that is this idea that when you feel sexy, you will be considered sexy by other people. And, you know, we you’ve probably heard me say that on the show before, I’m sure lots of dating experts say like, you know, you feel good, then you’ll look good. It’s, it’s, it’s a mindset. You know, mindset is everything. But according to research, it’s really, really true. And when you present yourself as feeling sexy, you actually are reducing your fear of rejection. And you’ve heard me say this on the show as well, that, that we need to just be more confident and not get attached to the outcome. Okay, here is how this study worked. And I can’t believe there are people that get paid to do this kind of research. But hey, I get paid to do this. So anything goes, they showed sexually stimulating images to people in a clinical setting, before introducing them to a stranger of the opposite sex. And then they had a neutral conversation just about like, hobbies, career goals, blah, blah, blah. But they found that those who had been exposed to sexual stimulus rather than neutral stimulus, something not so sexy, those who were exposed to it were more likely to initiate more intimate contact and be more interested in initiating a romantic relationship at the end of the session. And what this does is it confirms that when you feel sexy, you’re more likely to take a risk. And so often I say that, that success in dating, some of it is just if the other person is feeling the vibe from you and feeling like you’re into them, a lot of times that can amp up their interest in you. Well, one person who I think, should have lots of interest on dating apps is Drew Barrymore. But it turns out, it has not gone the way that she planned it, she revealed on and watch what happens live with Andy Cohen that she had been on Riah and she thought the app would fulfill her lifelong dream of going on a blind date. It’s really hard to go on a blind date when you’re Drew Barrymore because everybody knows everything about you. And you don’t know who these people are, but Riah, you know, is for the celebrities. But she said that her first day was a train wreck, she said she got stood up. And actually, I can also reveal on the show, she told me this story not too long ago, because I am also one of the dating experts of the Drew Barrymore show. I’ll be on my first show live this Wednesday at 9am. Eastern in New York live, but check your local listings to see when I will be on in your area. But here’s the thing if this can happen to Drew, and let me tell you, she is so sweet. And she’s so charming and everything that you see about her and ROM coms. It has been my experience of working with her on her show as well. It happens to everyone and and you have to do the same sort of work whether you’re Drew Barrymore or the girl next door, you have to make sure that you’re pre qualifying people before you get to the date. If this person would stand up Drew Barrymore they certainly will do it to you. And then you know if this person doesn’t show up for you, that this is not meant to be but it doesn’t mean to you should throw the baby out with the bathwater. It doesn’t mean you should give up on dating apps. And I hope drew doesn’t give up on Riah but she certainly hasn’t given up on love. So look out for me on Wednesday, spreading some more romantic cheer on her show. Those are the headlines for this week. But when we come back, we will be with Taylor Andrews from Cosmos Oh, get ready for some juicy talk in just a moment.
I am here with Taylor Andrew, she’s cosmopolitans, assistant editor of all their juicy dating relationships, sex and love content. Please help me give big smooches to Taylor Andrews. Hey, Joe, how’s it going? It’s going girl. First of all your articles are fire. And we have referenced them a lot on the show in the past, but you are really on the cutting edge tailor of what is happening in dating and relationships. And people are always asking me, like what is the deal with dating apps? And should we even be trying today? Is it too complicated? Now there’s woke fishing. I have to know their COVID status is dating just to complete hated right now.
Unknown Speaker 10:02
Honestly, I would almost argue on popular opinion that right now is the best time to find someone in a relationship, if that’s what you’re looking for. And I’m going to tell you why. I think right now, people are not leading with physical like intimacy. Obviously, we’re in a pandemic, you can’t go meet someone in person, if you are, you’re meeting six feet apart, and you’re outside, it’s just different circumstances. But right now, you’re really getting a relationship, like via text message via zoom via FaceTime. And you’re communicating and talking to these people before you even add in the whole physical element. So you’re getting to know them, you’re getting to know like, what they like who they are way more in depth than you would if you were seeing them on a first date. So I would actually argue that right now is the best time to actually successfully find a solid relationship.
Damona 10:52
You know, what I will cosign on what you just said, I actually was just talking to a former client yesterday, who is in the best relationship of her life, she met this guy two and a half months ago, in the middle of a pandemic, on a dating dating app. And she said, it’s just a totally different trajectory, like it’s unfolding in a completely different way. And she’s, you can really tell, if you are, if you’re on a date with somebody, you don’t have all the distractions of everything else that we use to get our attention or keep our attention on a date. It’s just the two of you talking and connecting, you really can’t have the other distractions. And you know, is this really the real deal or not? So she said, she’s, like, deeper in this relationship than she’s been on any other relationship before,
Unknown Speaker 11:45
right? I mean, everyone’s on dating apps. Right? Now, if you’re single, you’re on a dating app. And actually, for cosmopolitan readers, 51% of our readers are on dating apps. So that’s like a high percentage, considering that some of our readers are also in relationships. So if you consider how many people are on dating apps, you’re going through a lot of different people, you get to fine tune and select who you want, who matches like your personality, what you’re into, I just think you’re gonna you’re getting so much opportunity right now today that you can absolutely find someone who is like, on the same level as you. And yeah, I mean, like I said, whether you’re on dating apps, because you’re bored and lonely, and you don’t have anyone to talk to you, or whether you’re actively trying to get a relationship, I completely agree with you now would be a great time to, I think, if that is what you’re looking for, to get into a relationship.
Damona 12:37
And I do feel like, as you said earlier, there, there isn’t as much of that physical interaction with strangers. So I feel like a lot of those people have fallen off the apps. And one reason that a lot of people feel like, it’s not a great time because they don’t feel like as much is happening. Because we were we were at a an unsustainable pace of dating, I feel like before the pandemic, and I feel like something had to happen to stop that crazy cycle of like, swipe, swipe, swipe date, date, date, totally, you know, with wash, rinse, repeat. I wish it wasn’t a pandemic, of course, but it happened. But there’s so many other factors right now. Like, like, it’s 2020. Like everything that can happen, will happen. And there’s so much else that is affecting dating today. Right from race. We’ve talked at nauseam on the show about race and dating to the the election coming up. And we had your friend in mind, Michael Kay from Okay, Cupid, on the show to talk about that. What do you think do you think that people are finding are looking for the wrong? Like? Are they focused on the wrong things right now? Or is it just like that we are at a time where we have to, we have to kind of cut out the clutter and find somebody that’s totally aligned with us on so many different levels?
Unknown Speaker 14:06
Well, it’s interesting you say that, because I’m actually currently working on an article of it’s a debate and it’s can you actually be in a relationship with someone who has opposing political views? I, I would argue, especially with the year 2020. I would argue that you can but you wouldn’t. You would be surprised by how many people believe that yes, you can be in a relationship with someone who has opposing political views. So while I do think that this year has definitely made it so that women are maybe, I don’t know not being as picky or anything just because they are lonely on dating apps, I do think if you want a successful relationship, now would be the time to like I said, fine tune and find people who agree with you and align with you on topics like race and LGBTQ policies and and everything in that regard and even more, so than Now you can do that because you are talking to them via dating apps and texting. And it’s a less intimidating conversation than asking someone in person. So how do you feel about our current administration? And what are your views about who should be the next president, etc, etc. Yeah,
Damona 15:16
they used to say don’t talk about those things on first dates. But I almost feel like now, it’s like you must talk about these things, first dates, just just to figure out if they even meet meet the basic criteria.
Unknown Speaker 15:28
Totally. So the
Damona 15:30
The other thing that now we are dealing with since we are distanced from whoever we are matching with or talking to, is how to keep that chemistry and communication and flirtation going in the digital space. You have written this very hot and sexy new book, Cosmos fantasy sex games. And we’ll give everybody a little peek inside. But I think one one element that is really pertinent to our listeners is sexting. Like, yeah. What are the rules for sexting now, especially like, if you are talking to so to, essentially a stranger, someone you met on a dating app? Maybe you haven’t actually moved offline with them? Are there different rules for them versus someone that you’re already in a relationship with?
Unknown Speaker 16:20
I think, okay, the number one thing I can say is, men, can we stop with the dick pics? I mean, right? Can we please please like, Listen to me, listen to everyone who’s been saying this for however long, the dick fix needs to stop. Unless it’s consensual. And unless the woman specifically asks to see your penis, women do not want to be surprised by a dick pic and their phone. So that’s like sexting rule number one, do not send unsolicited nude pictures to the other person. So that’s the biggest thing. As far as everything else, it really just depends on what you’re into. And what you and your partner have consensually agreed upon. So what I always like to encourage is I know people really struggle with sex either, like I just can’t figure out like what to say, I feel so awkward. I just I don’t know, I would just start if this is someone that you’ve slept with before, I would start by, you know, recounting your experience with them. So Oh, remember when you did this with me, or remember when you touched me here or remember when we were in the laundry room or whatever you’re doing, and then just start from there. It’s like retelling the story. So then it gets you started. And then the other person is seeing what you’re doing. And they can add in. And then you can start saying things like, Oh, well, wouldn’t it be so hot? If we try this next time? Or what do you think about this? So I think that’s a really easy way to transition into sexting with someone that you’ve already slept with. And in the case that you haven’t slept with someone, I always like to go for like, encourage the conversation. That’s Oh, I wish she were here. I think that that is always the way to get someone to be like, Oh, well, it piques their interest. And so we do fiber there. Exactly, exactly. It’s not you’re not being you know, super, super direct. You’re not saying let’s sex right now. It’s just Oh, I wish you were here and it gets the conversation started in a non intimidating way. It’s really easy for the other person to like, jump in into the conversation. So that would definitely be like, my starter. I mean, what do you what do you think about sexting? What, like, what are your tips?
Damona 18:29
Well, I I’m kind of cautious about sexting, like, in terms of sensitive images. Like, look, we just saw this not that long ago with Chris, Chris. And like, you know, the dick bickered route.
Unknown Speaker 18:47
That was an accident, like,
Damona 18:49
I actually do, because I’ve had, I’ve had, like, I’ve had pictures that I did not intend to put, I’ve had, like, have you had this happen on Instagram, where you were like, like chatting with someone or in a store in stories, and then all of a sudden, it was like calling them I need to fix this? Because I’m like, sorry, I’m not trying to suddenly call you like, it’s just in the middle of the conversation. You’re right. So I think it could have been an accident, but I think it maybe it was a happy accident. after all. I think it’s probably for him going to enhance his life more. It’s been it’s going to hurt him. But you know, you do work for cosmopolitan, female focused female first, like, what would happen if that was a woman? It would be a completely different conversation. If you know, it’s like a teddy pic.
Unknown Speaker 19:38
Right? I would and we’ve had celebs things like this get leaked. Um, you know, like it happens. Um, and it Yeah, I don’t know that. That’s an interesting conversation because it is like the difference between you know, he, I don’t I don’t know. It’s um,
Damona 19:58
it’s complex, isn’t it?
Unknown Speaker 20:00
It is I wish I had more of an opinion on it, but I just can’t even.
Unknown Speaker 20:04
It just doesn’t happen.
Unknown Speaker 20:06
It doesn’t. So, as far as explicit images go, I’m sure everyone was really happy to see that. But that was like, you know, that’s breaking a barrier. Even though it was accidental, you know, that’s even if you would put that into terms of like dating someone in general. Again, like I said, you should not be sending dick pics. So the fact that that happened is not not a good example.
Damona 20:30
Yeah, cuz then you took the dick pic it What was your intent with the dick pic? That’s that’s the other question.
Unknown Speaker 20:35
Exactly. Do you
Damona 20:36
like what you said, Taylor, in terms of using it to build anticipation is how I would how I would phrase that like saying, Oh, I can’t wait to see you again. And really thinking of sexting as an element in for prep for thinking of sexting as an element of foreplay, and really, look giving yourself something to look forward to. And then the other thing I love about what you said, was storytelling. That’s so much of I mean, you know, the book is the fantasy sex games, it’s the fantasy, it’s telling the story of what’s going to happen. And I know, for me, I sometimes feel a little awkward, maybe, maybe it’s because of my husband’s reaction. He’s like, so uncomfortable with it. But it can be awkward, right? to, like, send that first sext and to step into the roleplay space. How you
Unknown Speaker 21:28
gonna? Absolutely can’t and that’s normal. You know, if, if I could say anything, we actually have this segment in the book called finished the fantasy, where we set the whole fantasy up, we type we have it written out. So you just read it with your significant other, or whomever you want to sex with, or whatever. And then you finish it. So we already did all the hard work for you, we initiated the conversation, so then you just finish it.
Damona 21:53
That is so perfect. And this is why I also help people with dating apps, like just getting started, like having the prompts or having the outline. And then once you’re in it, it’s it does feel more natural. Right. Yeah. You know what to say? Yeah, but it’s that, that anticipation and and awkwardness of just getting started that sometimes keeps people from
Unknown Speaker 22:18
trying?
Damona 22:20
The thing, like the thing I loved about the book is, it is so playful, and there’s so many ideas in there. Like you might read through it, and you’re like, Whoa, not that for me, but you might read some and think, oh, I’ve never thought of that. I’ve never tried that. I was like, how did Taylor get all these ideas?
Girl, you know, no, you know, I read the book. But when if you’re with a partner, some of it is just that willingness to explore and try something new, you know, especially in quarantine, we’ve been locked up. And it’s been like, same old, same old For how long? We’re all stressed out overworked. Why not? Why not? Try something new with your partner?
Unknown Speaker 23:11
Absolutely. And I think it also goes into, you know, I don’t know, we’re speaking to women of you know, all sexual orientations. And they’re in relationships, and they’re single and whomever or, and whatever. But, um, I just think that like, quarantine is the best time to really have fun with all of this, and you’re with your partner all the time, might as well just make it fun and do something different than what your normal circumstances like, there’s no reason why you can’t have fun and go pick out a Halloween costume that’s leftover in your closet from five years ago and have a little roleplay situation with that. And and while I understand that it can be intimidating. I think it starts with you know, kind of breaking down that wall that you have that’s preventing you from you know, wanting to take that step and wanting to maybe dive a little kinkier deeper into your relationship and sex life. I think it starts with removing that barrier and removing whatever that wall is that’s preventing you from wanting to do that and then just like going for and owning your horniness and owning who you are and what you want, and getting that orgasm.
Damona 24:16
It’s natural girl it’s natural
Unknown Speaker 24:18
is yes.
Damona 24:20
Yeah. And sometimes you just need to mix things up a little bit. Let’s say you’re on the other side of the conversation and your partner is the one that’s like, let’s be a little bit more adventurous. How do you get to that place where you can go like Dude, should you just go with the flow with what your partner wants to try?
Unknown Speaker 24:43
I think that you should definitely establish beforehand hard boundaries. So anything that you’re absolutely not okay with doing. This can easily be done in something like a yes no maybe list which we actually also included in the book, but we’ve written about it countless times where you And you can print this off. Or you can do it from the book what we included, but there are a bunch of topics that we have listed and you go through with your partner and you say yes, no, or maybe. And if you would rather not do it with your partner, you just like print out a copy, and you do it yourself. And then your your partner does it. And then you compare where all of your yeses are, where all of your maybes are and where all of your nodes are, and the yeses you discuss, like, Yeah, I would be into that. So obviously, like, that’s consenting, once you have a conversation about it, you’re consenting to doing that in the bedroom. That maybe is okay, let’s talk about this. And let’s figure out like, why it’s a maybe and what would make it absolute? Yes. And then the no is a hard boundary, you’re not doing that. So I actually think a yes no, maybe list is maybe the easiest way to transition into like a super sexy thing that you haven’t brought up with your partner, or if you’re part if your partner wants to bring something up to you. But as far as you know, if your partner is just bringing something up, and as long as you don’t, like, have a hard boundary with whatever that person suggested, I say go for it and see if it’s something you’re into, the only way you’re going to know is if you try, and I think you should just completely, like get rid of an idea of, you know, like something that’s taboo and just try it, depending on what your partner brought up.
Damona 26:19
Let’s say you get some of those maybes. And I love that you have this checklist in the book, you get a maybe I’ve also heard from listeners, how awkward it is to have conversations about sex before you’re having sex. Like whether it’s a maybe from that checklist with your existing partner, or like I’m about to have sex with this person, for the first time. How do you bridge those conversations and make them still sexy? Or should you just not even have those conversations when you’re in the bedroom? Should they happen before,
Unknown Speaker 26:49
I do think they should always happen before the bedroom. Like I say consent is the number one thing. So I would always encourage that. But I do understand how that can be like icky, and it looks like you’re just like having a conversation about sex, which makes it so unsexy. But like I said, I think if you’re going to be having sex with someone, you should be able to feel comfortable talking about sex with them. Now, as far as when you’re in the bedroom, I I think what’s really sexy is, you know, doing something and trying something you’re into whether that’s like, I don’t know, like going down their body and saying, Oh, do you like when I touch you like this? Do you enjoy this? Does this feel good? Those types of questions that check in with your partner, make sure that you’re always doing consensual, safe sex, and that your partner is actually into it as much as you are. So I think if you are going to kind of just test the boundaries a little bit, I would always make sure to like, ask, how would you like it if I did this? And, and, you know, does this feel good. And you and that can be sexy. I mean, you’re making out with the first and you’re touching them, you’re on top, and then they’re on top of you, you know, if you just say on a super sexy voice and just let this like animalistic side of you come out that, you know, that’s asking for consent and still being sexy at the same time.
Damona 28:04
What about when you’re in those situations, like I can remember many a time when I was single Taylor, where like, even in a situation where someone was getting consent. There’s sometimes this feeling I’m just gonna like just gonna put it out there and say it sometimes there’s this feeling, it’s like, oh, I don’t really want to do this. But it’s, it’s probably just easier to say us and like get this over with than to actually, like, end it rock the boat or just, you know, just stop the forward motion. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know if you’ve been in that situation, or if you’ve written about any situations like that before, but I think we’re in a new paradigm right now of women. Like, you know, I’m a little bit part of the old guard of like, you know, back then we just like rolled over And we took it. But now like in the conversation of consent, I think there is an element of I don’t want to say responsibility. But I think women are being called to speak up in those moments. And I love it any words of encouragement, you’re such as strong, competent woman like words of encouragement for other women that maybe are in the boat that I was in or that just find it hard to find their voice in those moments.
Unknown Speaker 29:20
I think the biggest thing that I can say to that is that your pleasure is just as much worth it as your partner’s pleasure. So you need to really focus on what feels good to you and not so much what feels good to your partner. I think so often women are told, you know, like you mentioned, we have to lay on our backs and we have to be the one that is making sure the man orgasms or or who whomever their partner is, and and that’s that doesn’t need to be the case our orgasms are just as just as important as our partners. And so if something makes you uncomfy don’t do it You do not have to do it. There’s nothing that says like no you are in charge of a man’s orgasm because you’re not and and i think Like I said, that just goes back to women feeling like they have to please their partner, and they have to focus more on their pleasure. But no, you you deserve an orgasm just as much you need to make sure and like control that, that you are seeking just as much pleasure as you are seeking to give your partner. Okay, and then for
Damona 30:17
our guy spies in the audience, we have a lot of male listeners actually, as well, that one, that they’re good guys tailor, they want to make things also safe and comfortable for women. Are there any tips that you can give those guys for how to create this kind of space? With a new partner?
Unknown Speaker 30:41
Yeah, I mean, I, I’m big on communication, like I said, so I really think that a good good sex starts with communication. And I think it’s just being super open about having a conversation before you have sex about what each other is into and what you want to try, and what feels good. So I would just make sure to actively check in with your partner when you’re having sex to make sure that everything is going great. And and, yeah, I mean, I think sometimes as women we like in heterosexual relationships we like to feel taken care of, and like he’s almost in control. But I don’t think that needs to be the case all the time. So I think having those conversations beforehand can really be beneficial. So I would just tell whoever the guy listeners are that you know, be very open about what you’re interested in and wanting to please your woman and talking to her about what gets her off? Because she knows better than you do.
Damona 31:44
Mm hmm. All right, ladies, no, no best is what they want. We just have to find her voice and speak up about it, and maybe get some new ideas. And I for one got many of them from reading Taylor’s new book, Cosmo, fantasy sex games, y’all. It’s hot, is right for the times. And there’s so much more also at cosmopolitan calm that people can read. And I just have to be you didn’t, you didn’t ask me for this feedback. But I’m just going to give it to you. I’m also a subscriber of for the for the magazine. And I have to say, Taylor, like I know you and I connected because you were looking to highlight some more voices of color. And as I was going through my Cosmo magazine last month, I was really shocked at the number of people who looked like me. And I feel like there’s really been an effort to be as inclusive as possible and to really diversify the images, not just in the content, but also in the advertising. So I just wanted to say how much I really, truly appreciate the work that cosmopolitan is doing on that front,
Unknown Speaker 32:59
of course, and we appreciate experts like you being able to weigh in. I mean, you’ve helped so much with our content. And I hope that all your subscribers know that they can see you on Cosmo articles and be like, yeah, that’s Dimona. She’s awesome. She knows everything. So I love talking to you about the
Damona 33:15
articles. I don’t know if I know everything, but at least I can have conversations with smart ladies like you and we can learn from one another and pass it on. So thank you so much for being here. Taylor, it was really a pleasure to have you on the show.
Unknown Speaker 33:28
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
Damona 33:31
Lovers don’t go anywhere. I have your questions. But more importantly, I have your answers. Please stick around. We are back. This is dear demona. This one comes to me from a new listener. In an Instagram dm she says I’m 39 years old and I’ve been on dating apps for 13 years. girlfriend. That’s a long time. She says I haven’t been physical with someone in over three years. But someone asked me to come over Saturday night for drinks, bonfire and sex. And I’m wondering if I should just go for it. I’m worried I’ll catch feelings. Who? That got sexy real fast, didn’t it? First, I would say it’s really good that you know what your tendency is that you know that when you get intimate with someone, you can catch feelings really quickly. First, obviously COVID is happening right now. So you have to have a real way to assess someone’s risk. Like I had a conversation with a client and she was like, Yes, that’s just risk risk. And it was fine to go out on a date and I’m like, I’m not sure how you did that. Like Did you take like, like at the top of the show? Did you do a questionnaire Did you did you like get a saliva sample? Did you stick a swab up his nose? I don’t know. But you figure it out the way that works for your stay and your comfort level how you assess the risk. I think, Hey, we are all feeling the skin hunger right now. Well, not me because I, I’m touched out, I’m around people all day long. But for those of you who are single, it is no wonder that we are missing that human connection, and even just the power of touch. So men or women, there is no shame in getting your physical needs met. But if you know that the tendency for you is to put more into it, and to think more about it than what it really means, you might need to add an extra level of protection for yourself emotionally because it’s clear if this person just matched with you on a dating app. And they were just like, bam, drinks, bonfire, sex, let’s get it on. I don’t know that that is suddenly going to blossom into a more meaningful relationship. So you have to know what you’re signing up for. Now, I’ll tell you a little story. This is kind of embarrassing. I have had one and only one, one nightstand in my life. And I it’s kind of one of those things where I thought, well, everyone’s done it, and everyone should do it. So I’ll just do it and get it over with. And I have to tell you, it was honestly the worst experience of my life, there was nothing sexy about it. I felt terrible when it was over. And he, he wanted to he was really a jerk. And then he wanted to walk me to my car, and I was like, Don’t walk me to my car, I’m fine. I’m a grown woman. And then he felt really bad for being a jerk. So then he just followed me to my car to make sure that I didn’t like I don’t know, get raped or something, because then he’d feel extra bad. And I have to admit, I don’t regret a lot of my experiences. I think every experience that you have, it teaches you something and adds up to something more. So I don’t regret that it happened. But I definitely learned that for me. One Night Stand life was not it. So you might already know that about yourself. But if you feel like you can separate the intimacy and the physical connection, and the sex from the emotional part of it, and you can do it safely. I am not one to judge.
Our second question for today came from my women’s group, the dating accelerator program, this person said I met a guy on hinge a few months ago, we’ve had to socially distance dates in person and everything seemed to be going great. We both got really busy at work. But he said if we want to if we want more, we have to see each other more and talk more. I agreed. But since then he’s been distant. I set a date with him for dinner. But when I called him to make a plan he didn’t answer. And he hasn’t called since Should I try again to make this happen? Or is it over. So a lot of times we operate out of a place of assumption. And I definitely think he was trying to send you a message here that he either was angry with something that happened or didn’t feel like he was getting his needs met. And so he he might have even been saying in that conversation, he had already made the decision to move on. If we want more, we’d have to see each other more and talk more. And the other part of that sentence in his mind was, and it doesn’t seem like you can do that. So Peace out, I’m gone. And then at that point, you’re agreeing, but you’re entering from a position of needing to make things up to him and cater to his needs. Right? So I’ll just first say it might already have been too late. But in most of these situations, we also if we don’t have clarity, we need to get clarity. So yes, you should try again. And for some people, like they’re too proud to actually just speak what they are feeling and what they want. And that’s how we end up in all of these ghosting, Limbo, half assed situations, none of that for you, you’re going to say, Listen, I feel like I’ve been really distracted. And I really want to give this a chance. I’d love to see you house this weekend. Just go directly for it. Put your heart out there, put what you want out there, you’re going to get one of two responses. It will either be Oh, I didn’t know that you were really into this? Yes, I’d love to see you. And then he his competence is renewed, and he wants to invest in it further or you get crickets. And what I need you to hear is that crickets are a response. So that’s why I say you might have already gotten the response. But we if you were operating out of a place with any ambiguity, ambiguity, we can’t necessarily judge that. So now you’re going to go right for it. You’re going to say exactly what he wants to hear. You’re going to be very clear about where you See things going in the future. And then you’re going to see what he has to say about it. And then you’re going to report back to me, and the dates and make show. That’s it for today’s episode. This one is 329 of dates and mates. Yeah, you’ve got to check out Taylor’s work and cosmos, she writes all of the hottest content about sex and love and dating@cosmopolitan.com. And this book is seriously, it raised my body temperature, about three or four degrees just from reading it. You can pre order Cosmos fantasy sex games, wherever you get your books, but I’ll put a special amazon link in the show notes. Disclaimer, if you order through this link, I do get a small percentage of the sale like a very, very small percentage of the sale, but I’m just trying to make it easy for you to get this book. So that’s the scoop for today’s episode. Hit me up on the socials at damona Hoffman. I’d love to know what you learned from today’s episode, or hear what your questions are for a future episode. We’ll be back again next week with more hot dates and mates content but in the meantime, make sure you watch the Drew Barrymore show I will be on this Wednesday, September 30. So check your local listings for when you can catch the show. Until next week. I wish you happy dating
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
Inside OkCupid & VILF
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Love Astrology & Sex Ed
Dating App Hacks & Michelle Obama Says
NYT: How to Revisit Your First Date
Your relationship might be sorely in need of attention. Why not recreate the special day that sparked it, with an enhancement or three?
Rebooting your romance and reigniting that spark are more important than you think, especially now. One way to reconnect with your partner is to revisit your first date. This may sound silly, but the payoff is surprisingly rewarding.
Click here to read Damona’s suggestions, along with other love experts…