We have a big episode today, with a big name guest – so why not kick it off with a big announcement to match?
As many of you know, Damona has been working on her book for the last year or two. And now, we can OFFICIALLY announce the release date and the title!!!
In her 15+ years coaching singles, Damona has found that the biggest game changer for clients is the moment when they throw out the old scripts they’ve been living with – the soulmate myth, the chemistry myth, all the myths that keep us believing that there is one way to find love. As soon as you realize the power you have to live your OWN love story, your life begins to change.
Damona’s book will be the framework to help you do just that. So on January 2nd, 2024, you can buy your copy of F the Fairytale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story. In the meantime, you’ll be hearing excerpts from the book and much more throughout the year.
Now, on to the show! You know our guest today as The Bachelorette from Season 13 and a correspondent on EXTRA. She’s the one and only, Rachel Lindsay! And she has a brand new novel called “Real Love!” that asks what happens when you take the road less traveled.
DATING DISH (2:42)
Match Group served up the world’s first comprehensive survey of dating trends:
If you’ve never heard of Match Group, they’re the ones who own companies like Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, PlentyOfFish and OurTime. And recently, Match Group partnered with research firm Ipsos to dive deep into the current state of online dating. Nearly 20,000 people were surveyed from the US, Germany, Japan, India and Turkey – including people with and without online dating experience
The results were split into three sections covering LGBTQ+ dating, online safety, and how online dating seems to be the foremost venue for making connections. Damona goes over the hottest takes to come out of this data-fest.
RACHEL LINDSAY (14:10)
Rachel Lindsay is currently a correspondent with ExtraTV and she is the host of The Ringer’s “Higher Learning with Van Lathan and Rachel Lindsay” podcast, which was recently nominated for an NAACP.
Rachel is best known for her role as the first Black lead in the franchise’s history on the 13th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette and as a contestant on the 21st season of ABC’s The Bachelor.
And her newest book, “Real Love!”, is on shelves… TODAY!
(17:00) How much of Rachel’s novel draws from IRL?
Rachel’s book “Real Love!” revolves around Maya, a young CEO who is offered the opportunity to join the nationally beloved reality dating show “Real Love.” But after turning down the show, she watches her friend Delilah say yes to the experience.
Besides the obvious, Rachel says that the book is loosely based on her own journey but stands alone as its own story. On deciding to go on The Bachelor, Rachel says “once I said yes, it changed my life in the best way. But I always think about that girl who almost said no. And so I wanted to explore that.”
Rachel also notes some of the key themes in the book including how we keep ourselves from our own happiness (to quote Rachel, “fear is really the root of all evil.)
(23:30) Throw out the life plan!
Damona brings up an essay from Rachel’s previous book, where she described the 10-year life plan she used to have. And now? Rachel shares that she’s thrown the idea of a life plan out altogether. “Even now, when someone says to me, ‘what is it that you want to do, what’s the end goal?’ I don’t give them one… What I would say is hold true to those things that you don’t want to compromise on your morals, your values, your dreams, your goals. All that should stand through and through.”
(28:05) A fine line between your story and someone else’s…
Damona observes Rachel’s very deliberate choice to have the main character of “Real Love!” be black, and asks if this was a way for Rachel to explore how race factors into finding love today. Rachel says absolutely, noting that “as [Maya] comes to a certain crossroads and she’s open to new opportunities, you see that certain things don’t necessarily match up with her life plan. But is she going to act on them? Or is she not? And that’s a very real life situation.”
(31:02) Blackness and Bachelor Nation.
Rachel had never watched a show from The Bachelor franchise when she first went on as a contestant, later becoming the first black lead of not only The Bachelorette, but of a Bachelor show PERIOD. And although she didn’t have a full concept of how historical her position was, she describes anticipating judgment for every decision she would make by both The Bachelor audience AND the Black community alike. She continues, “I was going to be open to love. And if it came my way, I was going to accept it no matter what package it came in. And I needed to be okay with that. Because I knew the world that I was going to have to face once I made that decision.”
Rachel also describes the biggest advice she has for interracial couples.
Be sure to follow Rachel Lindsay on Instagram @TheRachLindsay AND go out and grab YOUR copy of Real Love! – on shelves today!
DEAR DAMONA (38:15)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Text Message from Anon – Hi Damona! I recently started listening to your podcast and really like it! You inspired me to get back online for dating after taking a couple of years off. My question is: How do I balance the matches and conversations? I’m not very good at, or comfortable with, talking to and meeting multiple guys at once. I don’t want to miss a good potential match due to ignoring messages but I don’t know that spreading myself thin over the matches allows me to really gauge a good connection. I don’t want to get overwhelmed and give up, but I’m not really sure what to do. Thank you!
ChatGPT & Dating, Decoded
As Damona has been posting more dating advice on Instagram, we’ve been reading through the comments (as one does). And some folks are wondering, “Why should I take my dating advice from Damona? She’s a married lady, yet she’s offering online dating advice.” Which made us realize that many new listeners don’t know Damona’s background!
So here’s why Damona should be your go-to gal for dating advice:
If that doesn’t convince you to listen to the rest of the show, we don’t know what will. Maybe it’ll be our guest for today, Hannah Orenstein. She’s the deputy editor of lifestyle and wellness at Bustle, and she has her finger on the pulse of modern dating trends. So she is the perfect person to help us decode the new rules of dating.
DATING DISH (3:00)
Will ChatGPT take over online dating?
Our friends at CNET published a captivating article this week, asking what happens when ChatGPT gets a hold of your online dating profile. To get you up to speed, ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence chat bot that can assist you with basic writing tasks. So Erin, the author of the article, decided to conduct an experiment in which she asked ChatGPT to write witty responses to classic dating profile prompts. For example, Erin gave the prompt “write a 500-character dating app bio for a woman who likes music, books and houseplants.” ChatGPT responded: “Music lover, bookworm, and proud plant parent… Seeking someone who shares my passions and is ready to join me on spontaneous adventures, cozy nights in, and trips to the local nursery… Bonus points if you have a green thumb!”
Damona dives into the ethics of using ChatGPT, the question of misrepresentation, and how ChatGPT is going to revolutionize online dating and communication.
(Funnily enough, ChatGPT’s response to Erin’s prompt above is almost the same as one of the prompts in Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit. 😂)
HANNAH ORENSTEIN (15:30)
Hannah Orenstein is the Deputy Editor of Lifestyle and Wellness at Bustle, where she covers dating, relationships, and sex, among other topics.
Previously, she was the Senior Dating Editor at Elite Daily, where she still writes her advice column “Dating, Decoded.” She’s also the author of four novels; her most recent book, MEANT TO BE MINE, was praised by Vogue, Cosmo, BuzzFeed, USA Today, and more.
(18:30) Am I normal?
After having written a dating and relationship advice column for so many years, Hannah says the most common theme within the questions she’s received is: am I normal? Although Hannah describes that one of the most scandalous messages she received was about a reader who had slept with her boyfriend’s best friend, and her struggle with what to do. Another reader had also messaged Hannah asking about how to feel comfortable in her own skin, after having gained weight and having her hair fall out.
Hannah shares a story on how she went about addressing such a layered question, while giving her thoughts on defining “self care.”
(26:40) Dear Damona/Dear Hannah…
Hannah points out that many of the singles writing in to Dating Decoded are in college or in their early twenties. And when you’re trying to figure out dating for the first time, having an advice columnist to give it to you straight can be a really comforting thing. “I don’t know their lives. But I think sometimes you do need somebody from the outside to say, ‘hey, you seem okay, I think you could be doing better.’”
So if you’re in a relationship, what are the signs that it may be feeling like it’s stagnating? Number one, it’s a pretty clear sign if you write into an advice column for help. Number two? “Anytime you are dwelling on something or ruminating on it, and you just can’t get it off your mind, I think that’s a sign that maybe something is worth examining or worth being curious about there. Because if everything was totally hunky dory, you wouldn’t be obsessing about it all the time.”
Be sure to follow Hannah on Instagram @HannaHorens and check out her monthly advice column, “Dating, Decoded” featured in Elite Daily.
DEAR DAMONA (35:35)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listener asked about this week:
4 Signs Your Online Boyfriend is a Catfish
Dating apps and online dating have become even more prevalent in recent years, with more and more people turning to the internet to find love. However, with the rise of virtual connections, there has also been a rise in catfishing and romance scams. In 2022, reports of romance scams reached a record $413 million in losses reported to the Federal Trade Commission in the United States.
While catfishing can happen to anyone, younger women have become increasingly vulnerable to emotional catfishing, which can have devastating consequences. But if you know the signs to spot a fake boyfriend, you can move forward and date with confidence. And that’s where we come in!
Here are 4 Sure Signs Your Online Boyfriend is a Catfish:
He Will Never Meet You In Person
His Online Identity is a Mismatch
He Only Calls You At One Time Of Day
He Has Lots of Pretty Lady Friends Online
It’s important to remember that the point of online dating is to actually date. If you suspect that you might be dealing with a catfish, it’s best to cut off communication and move on. Always do your due diligence before meeting someone in person and never send money to someone you’ve never met in real life.
But with a little bit of caution and common sense, you can protect yourself from online romance scams and find true love. Now get out there and start swiping!
Dating Up & Toxic Relationship Fix
Finding love is a journey and as you date, you are bound to encounter some people who are not good for you. But with the right mindset and approach, you can find and maintain a healthy, loving relationship.
It all starts with awareness and the ability to identify narcissism and toxic behavior in your matches. Don’t worry though, these behaviors are not as common as the TherapyTok trend might have you think. Even still, they exist and can cause you tremendous pain.
And that is why I have licensed psychotherapist, Sherry Gaba, and certified Life and Dating & Relationship Coach, Carla Romo, here today. They will be talking about how to avoid toxic relationships, trust your gut and find and keep healthy love.
DATING DISH (2:05)
Is “dating up” really a bad thing?:
A recent article from Essence Magazine dove into the details of “dating up” when looking for a life partner – i.e. dating someone who has access to more resources than you. The article begins by calling back to a trend around getting your “MRS Degree” (AKA a woman going to college to pursue a man with the potential to be rich or successful in the future). The article continues by dropping some stats in support of dating up regarding the gender pay gap.
Well, you KNOW Damona has some thoughts to share – one being that “dating up” puts too much of a focus on dating someone above your status, versus someone who could be your equal. And what qualities really connote someone being at a higher level than you? If you are so fixated on dating someone above your level, at least be sure you’re asking yourself if it’s really something you want, or if this is a story that was told to you about what a secure partner should be.
THE LOVE FIX (10:32)
Sherry Gaba is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach, author and co-host of the podcast, The Love Fix. Sherry has appeared on Vh1’s Celebrity Rehab, CNN, Inside Edition, Access Live, and E! News. She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Women’s World, the LA Times, the New York Post, Zoosk, Psychology Today and other leading publications.
Carla Romo is a certified Life and Dating & Relationship Coach, author of “Contagious Love” and co-hosts The Love Fix podcast with Sherry. She has been featured on or partnered with Simon Business School, Milwaukee Bucks, BRAVO, Bumble, Lifetime, and Bustle.
(12:25) Toxic red flags (and have we heard them all)?
Being a hot topic on their own podcast, The Love Fix, Damona asks Carla and Sherry for their take on the signs of toxic behavior. Carla states that oversharing can be a red flag (less in a vulnerable way, more in the let-me-dump-my-childhood-trauma-on-you kind of way). She also points out that it’s good to look for consistency in their behavior, AKA if they’re telling you one thing but their actions are communicating another.
But contrary to what a lot of people feel about dating culture and the individuals on dating apps, Carla doesn’t think the majority of people are toxic. Sherry then covers what she learned in her training about the cycle of abuse.
(24:00) Healthy doesn’t always feel like attraction…
Damona shares that in her dating journey (before meeting Seth, of course), she really has to deprogram what she defined as a healthy relationship – “I find that for a lot of people, when they’re used to that sort of chaotic relationship, a healthy relationship can feel like nothing’s happening.” Sherry continues that if you grew up with a certain amount of trauma, your nervous system experienced a lot of activation which can create a lack of regulation.
Carla adds how she advises her clients to go on a second date, even if the first date felt boring. “Go on that second date, go on the third date, just get to know people. And you don’t have to define if you’re going to marry this person. Like, the point of dating is that you need to go on multiple dates.” Sherry also gives us some of the indications of healthy conflict vs. toxic conflict
(32:35) Wholeness is in your body.
Damona mentions how employing our intuition can be a really useful tool in being able to suss out the signs of toxicity. But if we’ve been in abusive relationships in the past, we’ve often been taught not to trust our intuition, let alone ourselves. Sherry states that part of this is how trauma shows up in the body: “If you haven’t worked through your early trauma, and it’s still lodged in your body, you’re going to be responding from that place, instead of the place you need to be responding from – a wholeness.”
Sherry states that you can discharge that trauma using processes like EMDR or doing somatic work with a trauma therapist. And if being able to afford this kind of treatment feels like a financial stretch, Sherry and Carla share their tips on finding resources.
Be sure to follow Sherry and Carla on Instagram @TheLoveFixPodcast and listen to their podcast, The Love Fix, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.
DEAR DAMONA (42:04)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from R – What do you think about putting your HSV+ status on your dating profile to weed out anyone that isn’t in alignment with you???
Selfish Romantic & Audio Attraction
Do you struggle with setting boundaries in a relationship? Do you feel guilty for putting yourself first? Well, what if we told you that prioritizing yourself was actually a key to dating success?
Today we are going to redefine the word “selfish” and explore how being “selfish” is actually an essential part of self-love and self-care. We’ll explore practical ways to prioritize ourselves in romantic relationships, how to set healthy boundaries, and why it’s crucial to avoid losing ourselves in the pursuit of love.
And we will do it all with the help of five-board accredited body confidence coach, author, and speaker, Michelle Elman. She will be joining Damona today to talk about her latest book, “The Selfish Romantic: How to Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself.”
DATING DISH (1:51)
The dos and don’ts of Hinge audio notes:
If you’ve been in the dating app scene recently then you know about Hinge’s audio prompts, which the app introduced in November 2021. Although the option for audio prompts didn’t revolutionize the way we swipe, hearing someone’s voice on their profile can become a key piece to whether you’re attracted to someone or not. And it limits the amount of information you share which can be important in the early phases of dating when it doesn’t take much to flip from someone peaking your interest to giving you the total “ick” (which we talked about in a recent D&M ep).
That’s why we were so grateful to see this article from Mashable, featuring tips on how to make the most of your audio notes from Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science and friend of the pod, Logan Ury. In the article, Logan shares Hinge’s top 5 most popular voice prompts and some CRUCIAL do’s and don’ts. But all in all, Damona thinks you can never go wrong with the more creative route. The more you can showcase your character in your profile, the more you frame yourself as a real person instead of just a face to swipe on.
MICHELLE ELMAN (8:14)
Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, broadcaster, and public speaker (but you may know her as the queen of boundaries). What you might not know is that she had 15 surgeries before the age of 20, and is a leading expert on body positivity.
Michelle has been featured by Stylist and Glamour, and has appeared on The Today Show, Teen Vogue, E! News and MTV. Lastly, she’s the author of two best-selling books and her most recent book, The Selfish Romantic, is out now!
(9:24) What inspired The Selfish Romantic?
There seems to be a fine line that is walked between selfishness and self care or self love. But Michelle notes that in order to have self love, you are required to be selfish. “The practicality is you cannot be higher on your priority list unless you start saying no to other people around you. And it’s the same in your dating life. So if you’re putting someone else’s opinion above your own, you aren’t going to make decisions in your love life that are good for you. And so you do need to be more selfish.”
Michelle also talks about her surgery scars, self-consciousness, and how she reframed the relevancy of her scars in her own dating life.
(20:20) Is your focus on dating stunting your growth?
Michelle brings up a pretty life-changing session she had with her life coach. In this session, the coach called Michelle out for making a guy she was dating for 3 weeks her #1 priority (and Michelle was even writing her first book at the time). Michelle says this convo was the catalyst for deciding to reset her dating life by remaining “consciously single” for three years.
Michelle goes into why being consciously single is NOT halting your love life (at least not as much as you think it is) & how she went about her dating detox.
(26:45) The myths & lies about singlehood.
Speaking of Damona’s book and dating myths, Michelle has a lot to say about the myths around being single. “People seem to think that being single is something that accidentally happens to us. That it’s like this illness that gets thrust upon us, or it’s a waiting room until we get our next relationship… We all came into this world single. Being single is the default, being coupled is not the default.”
First of all, treat yourself and get this book The Selfish Romantic out NOW. Second of all, treat yourself again by watching Michelle’s inspiring content on IG @MichelleLElman.
DEAR DAMONA (29:18)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Email from Allison – How can I pursue a relationship rather than friends with benefits? My usual pattern has been to like a guy, sleep with him, then fall hard for him – only to find out that he doesn’t want a serious relationship.
Rachel Lindsay & Trending Globally
We have a big episode today, with a big name guest – so why not kick it off with a big announcement to match?
As many of you know, Damona has been working on her book for the last year or two. And now, we can OFFICIALLY announce the release date and the title!!!
In her 15+ years coaching singles, Damona has found that the biggest game changer for clients is the moment when they throw out the old scripts they’ve been living with – the soulmate myth, the chemistry myth, all the myths that keep us believing that there is one way to find love. As soon as you realize the power you have to live your OWN love story, your life begins to change.
Damona’s book will be the framework to help you do just that. So on January 2nd, 2024, you can buy your copy of F the Fairytale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story. In the meantime, you’ll be hearing excerpts from the book and much more throughout the year.
Now, on to the show! You know our guest today as The Bachelorette from Season 13 and a correspondent on EXTRA. She’s the one and only, Rachel Lindsay! And she has a brand new novel called “Real Love!” that asks what happens when you take the road less traveled.
DATING DISH (2:42)
Match Group served up the world’s first comprehensive survey of dating trends:
If you’ve never heard of Match Group, they’re the ones who own companies like Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, PlentyOfFish and OurTime. And recently, Match Group partnered with research firm Ipsos to dive deep into the current state of online dating. Nearly 20,000 people were surveyed from the US, Germany, Japan, India and Turkey – including people with and without online dating experience
The results were split into three sections covering LGBTQ+ dating, online safety, and how online dating seems to be the foremost venue for making connections. Damona goes over the hottest takes to come out of this data-fest.
RACHEL LINDSAY (14:10)
Rachel Lindsay is currently a correspondent with ExtraTV and she is the host of The Ringer’s “Higher Learning with Van Lathan and Rachel Lindsay” podcast, which was recently nominated for an NAACP.
Rachel is best known for her role as the first Black lead in the franchise’s history on the 13th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette and as a contestant on the 21st season of ABC’s The Bachelor.
And her newest book, “Real Love!”, is on shelves… TODAY!
(17:00) How much of Rachel’s novel draws from IRL?
Rachel’s book “Real Love!” revolves around Maya, a young CEO who is offered the opportunity to join the nationally beloved reality dating show “Real Love.” But after turning down the show, she watches her friend Delilah say yes to the experience.
Besides the obvious, Rachel says that the book is loosely based on her own journey but stands alone as its own story. On deciding to go on The Bachelor, Rachel says “once I said yes, it changed my life in the best way. But I always think about that girl who almost said no. And so I wanted to explore that.”
Rachel also notes some of the key themes in the book including how we keep ourselves from our own happiness (to quote Rachel, “fear is really the root of all evil.)
(23:30) Throw out the life plan!
Damona brings up an essay from Rachel’s previous book, where she described the 10-year life plan she used to have. And now? Rachel shares that she’s thrown the idea of a life plan out altogether. “Even now, when someone says to me, ‘what is it that you want to do, what’s the end goal?’ I don’t give them one… What I would say is hold true to those things that you don’t want to compromise on your morals, your values, your dreams, your goals. All that should stand through and through.”
(28:05) A fine line between your story and someone else’s…
Damona observes Rachel’s very deliberate choice to have the main character of “Real Love!” be black, and asks if this was a way for Rachel to explore how race factors into finding love today. Rachel says absolutely, noting that “as [Maya] comes to a certain crossroads and she’s open to new opportunities, you see that certain things don’t necessarily match up with her life plan. But is she going to act on them? Or is she not? And that’s a very real life situation.”
(31:02) Blackness and Bachelor Nation.
Rachel had never watched a show from The Bachelor franchise when she first went on as a contestant, later becoming the first black lead of not only The Bachelorette, but of a Bachelor show PERIOD. And although she didn’t have a full concept of how historical her position was, she describes anticipating judgment for every decision she would make by both The Bachelor audience AND the Black community alike. She continues, “I was going to be open to love. And if it came my way, I was going to accept it no matter what package it came in. And I needed to be okay with that. Because I knew the world that I was going to have to face once I made that decision.”
Rachel also describes the biggest advice she has for interracial couples.
Be sure to follow Rachel Lindsay on Instagram @TheRachLindsay AND go out and grab YOUR copy of Real Love! – on shelves today!
DEAR DAMONA (38:15)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Text Message from Anon – Hi Damona! I recently started listening to your podcast and really like it! You inspired me to get back online for dating after taking a couple of years off. My question is: How do I balance the matches and conversations? I’m not very good at, or comfortable with, talking to and meeting multiple guys at once. I don’t want to miss a good potential match due to ignoring messages but I don’t know that spreading myself thin over the matches allows me to really gauge a good connection. I don’t want to get overwhelmed and give up, but I’m not really sure what to do. Thank you!
Beyond Breakups & Therapy Tok
So a headline recently crossed Damona’s desk that there is a spike in breakups right after Valentine’s Day. It’s unfortunate when a relationship comes to an end, especially when it’s one you thought might last forever. But, sometimes, it’s necessary.
Values change. Sometimes people grow apart or sometimes you realize it’s just not a fit. It’s a difficult part of the dating journey. But it’s also an opportunity, a chance to reset and realign with your needs and your values.
And that’s why we’ve got award-winning divorce attorney and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After, Renée Bauer, here to talk about new beginnings.
DATING DISH (1:50)
How therapy speak took over dating (and what to do about it):
At this point we’re all familiar that dating comes with its own dictionary and buzzwords (Damona’s made an entire TV segment about it on Access Daily with Mario and Kitt). But a recent New York Times article did a deep dive into the psychological terms that have wedged themselves into the dating lexicon – and phrases like love bombing, gaslighting and trauma bonding are only the start.
One of the takes from this article is how therapy lingo and even mentions of therapy can be used by daters to distinguish themselves to prospective matches, or even filter out matches. AKA saying that you go to therapy in your profile can indicate if you and a prospective match are aligned in cultural reference points and the way you see the world.
But the biggest lesson we can learn is the way in which using psychology terms like “toxic” and “narcissist” can go off the rails if we’re not careful. After all, not everyone ranting about their toxic ex on TikTok is a professional. Damona explains how we can avoid this trap.
RENÉE BAUER (7:43)
Renée Bauer is an award-winning divorce attorney, published author, and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After. Her upcoming summit, She Who Wins, runs April 28-29th and focuses on both personal development and business strategy.
(8:07) How to know when a relationship is *over* over.
Damona asks Renée how we can know when a relationship is truly over? Well according to Renée, this straightforward question has a straightforward answer. “How do you know? Usually my answer is, you already do.”
Renée continues that “what happens is we start to listen to our head, we start to crowdsource from people we love who are so well intentioned and who want the best for us. But they don’t know what’s going on inside that house or inside that relationship.” At the end of the day, where you stand with your partner will become much clearer when you turn off your fears of being alone, financial burden, and the unknown. Choose to trust yourself.
Based on her experience as a renowned divorce attorney, Renée also names the signs of a truly healthy relationship (hint: it has to do with conflict).
(14:15) Doubt about debt…
Many of Damona’s clients and participants in The Dating Accelerator Program often mention debt as their number one worry surrounding a potential partner. Everyone seems to want to know – how can I even bring up the subject of debt when getting to know someone?
Renée proposes taking a practical approach – ask open ended questions like, “How do you feel about having debt? What’s your relationship with money like? Are you more of a spender or a saver?” Also keep an eye out for behaviors that suggest they’re uncomfortable talking about money (i.e. avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, changing the subject).
But – try to refrain from judgment until you know the whole story. People make mistakes and having debt isn’t always a straightforward reason to assume someone is irresponsible with money.
(18:36) After dating & before marriage.
Damona brings up the moving-in-together stage of relationships, and how often couples decide to cohabitate before asking the necessary questions that would prep them for this shift. Renée hops in with the steps she recommends taking before moving in together, one of these steps being to draw up a contract (whether legal or nonprofessional).
The importance of establishing terms of cohabitation also increases when pets and/or kids are involved. “Whether it’s in writing or not, I think the important piece is having those conversations and having clarity around them. Not just in passing, not just over dinner.
(23:22) “Treat marriage like it’s a business.”
Treat your marriage like it’s a business… huh? Renée breaks down that looking at your marriage as a partnership to be protected, although somewhat unromantic, is one of the best ways to strengthen it. For instance, Renée suggests having “state of the union” meetings with your spouse every month. She mentions that “money is probably one of the most common reasons that people get divorced.” So sitting down, talking about whatever’s happening in the marriage, and looking at the numbers in your finances will help keep you and your partner on the same page, and keep tension from building over time.
Renée also details her own experience of dating while being twice-divorced, and how owning your divorce story will release you from any shame you think it carries.
Be sure to follow Renée on Instagram @MsReneeBauer and learn more about the She Who Wins Summit at SheWhoWins.com.
DEAR DAMONA (31:30)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Drew Love: Are soulmates real?
In celebration of the spring issue of Drew Magazine, Drew welcomes back Damona, along with Ross Mathews and his husband Dr. Wellinthon García-Mathews, to honor the theme of love. Damona also shares a great hack for navigate love’s trials and tribulations.
Watch the full DBS segment here!
(P.S. Did we mention that Damona got a FULL SPREAD in this edition of Drew Magazine?? She breaks down how she met her husband, Seth, and how a career in television casting ultimately led her to her career in love.)
Drew Barrymore’s Valentine’s Special!
If you know Drew Barrymore, then you know that she LOVES love. So, of course there was going to be an extra special episode on Valentine’s Day! Drew brings together the ultimate dream team to answer the audience’s dating dilemmas – our lady of the hour Damona Hoffman, dating coach Matthew Hussey, Rayna & Ashley of the Girls Gotta Eat Podcast, and renowned sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
They talked about everything from “big d*ck energy” to pre-screening your dates (AKA online sleuthing). But one topic in particular got some buzz – is it okay to sleep in separate beds if you’re in a happy relationship? Damona and the gang weigh in below…
Drew Love: “Triad” Throuples
If we take a glance at the dating scene today, it’s clear that we have more opportunity than ever to create our own dating destiny. There is also more of a framework nowadays for us to co-create romantic relationships that are a fit for our specific needs.
For instance, many couples have explored the benefits of open relationships and I’m sure we’ve all heard the term “throuple” before. But have you ever heard of a triad throuple (AKA “trouple”)? Damona joins this episode of The Drew Barrymore show to teach Drew a thing or two about the types of throuple relationships.
Damona breaks it all down HERE!
The Ick & Second Chance Scenario
Okay, we’ve all been there. The date is going well, you’re thinking there may be a future here, and then they do that thing – maybe it’s talking with their mouth full or revealing they don’t like dessert. Say what?! Whatever it is, it’s like a switch, an instant turnoff; it’s the ick!
It’s okay, it’s part of the dating journey. You are going to meet people who aren’t a great fit for you along the way. Hopefully you can learn from them, laugh and move on.
And that’s why we have authors, Anna Burtt and Kitty Winks, here to talk about their new book, The Little Book of Ick. They’ll also be breaking down how you can actually use icks to your advantage.
DATING DISH (1:55)
Some daters say Instagram helps them date more ‘organically’:
NBC News recently covered a study by YPulse, a youth research firm, sharing that 40% of Gen Zers met their partners through social media while 29% met their partners through dating apps.
According to the article, Gen Zers say they want to date more “organically” and that meeting through mutual followers or shared communities on social media platforms like Instagram allows them to do this. They add that it’s also easier to vet their matches because they get a deeper look into their lives.
More than half also “feel more comfortable being vulnerable online and over text than in person.” Damona brings up the Online Disinhibition Effect, meaning that we feel more comfortable to share personal info and vulnerable feelings when your dating app gives you that veil of anonymity. So that raises the question – is it better to be starting communication in a space where you have no inhibitions before you’ve even met the other person?
But if we ARE going to shoot our shot and slide into the DMs, Damona shares some of her top tips on how to do so in Nick Viall’s episode of Dates & Mates.
We want you to have a dating profile that magnetizes the right dates to you. And that’s why for a limited time only, you can get Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit HERE – this includes prompts and profile templates to help you write a winning profile, & a short tutorial video on how to choose the best dating profile photos.
KITTY WINKS & ANNA BURTT (15:40)
Anna Burt is the host of the podcast The Brighton Book Club, and Kitty Winks has been featured in Mashable and Stylist Magazine. Together they are now co-authors of “The Little Book of Ick.”
(16:10) First of all, what the heck is an ick?
Kitty jumps right into it, defining the “ick” as “when you’re dating someone and they do something completely inane and innocuous on the face of it. And then from that moment forward, they’re completely physically repulsive to you. You can’t get past it.” And although there are some obvious universal ones (like being rude to waitstaff), the ick doesn’t show up the same way for everyone. Kitty also adds her take that “the ick is a physical manifestation of something that is already subconsciously there.”
Damona mentions how many people ask her if something is a red flag or not. Anna goes on to explain the differences between red flags and icks.
(21:50) The pyramid of icks.
Damona, Kitty and Anna deliberate the different levels of icks, from frivolous to f**ked up. Some of the icks that come up in The Little Book of Ick are cutting up your food into small pieces, some calling themselves a producer, or ordering a mocha latte (Kitty says “order a coffee or a hot chocolate, just make a decision”). Anna and Kitty also reveal their biggest icks, and Kitty shares the ick she employs to help herself get over her exes.
Although writing The Little Book of Ick has caused Kitty and Anna to see potential icks everywhere they look, they tell us to keep in mind that “no one should take some sides of dating too seriously. It just goes to show how kind of vacuous we all are. And you know, anything can kind of trigger an ick. And there’s no shame in that. I don’t think there’s any shame in being picky.”
You can follow Anna Burtt on Instagram @btnbookclub and Kitty Winks on Instagram @KitWinks. And be sure to snag a copy of their book, The Little Book of Ick.
DEAR DAMONA (34:25)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from M – Dear Damona – Hi, love your show! I paid for a subscription on a dating app to see all the men who “like” me, and I was scrolling through and saw a man who ghosted me 5 years ago, in 2017. This man has stood out in my mind because it was genuinely the best first date I’ve ever had, we were both cracking up the whole time. We stayed at the restaurant until they closed, then went to a wine bar and stayed there until it closed too. He had plenty of opportunities to end the date earlier but we ended up spending 6 hours together that night. We kissed a little at the end of the night, and I never heard from him again. I messaged him on the app the next day to thank him for a lovely evening and to follow up on what he had suggested as our second date, but he never responded. I feel a little scorned but I really had a good time with him. Should I give him another chance?
Code-Switching Valentine & Smart Sex
It’s Valentine’s Day and whether you are single, coupled or throupled (check out my IG if you need an explainer on that), we are celebrating LOVEEEEEE today! That’s right, things are about to get steamy.
Here on Dates & Mates, we’re always talking about the first two of the four pillars of long-term compatibility – common goals and shared values. But today, it’s Valentine’s Day so we are going to talk about the other two: trust and communication. Whether you realize it or not, sex and intimacy can be gateways to unlocking those last two pillars.
That’s why we have Damona’s dear friend and Doctor of Human Sexuality, Emily Morse, joining us for a very special Valentine’s Day episode. She will be talking about her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure.”
Disclaimer: This episode is for ALL listeners, single or taken. Boosting your sex IQ will help you if you have a Valentine tonight or not.
And remember that while we put so much emphasis on Valentine’s Day, in the end, it’s just a day! You can choose to recognize it or not the way you wish.
DATING DISH (3:16)
Do you code-switch on dating apps?
The New York Times recently published a deep dive into how people present different variations of themselves across various dating apps. What this article mainly exposed is that with so many dating apps available, a lot of users modulate their personalities from one platform to the next. For example, Hinge encourages leading with details that suggest you’re serious about finding a relationship. But then there are apps like Feeld that are for the ethical non-monogamous community, people who want open relationships, and swingers. So between these apps, you might even use different photos and bios. The NYT even proposes that the likelihood of a match is affected by which app a potential partner discovers you on first.
Damona’s big takeaway? “As a dating coach for 15 years, I would say it is a good idea to have at least a different primary photo on the various apps. But this article talks about people having like whole folders of apps on their phone. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that we are on too many apps right now, folks, I have my clients really focus on one app at a time or kind of cycle into apps… Scale it down and date intentionally.”
Damona is a big fan of dating apps, and we want you to be a fan of dating apps too because they are a tremendous tool. But what is the key to a successful online dating experience? It all comes down to the profile. Check out the Free Profile Starter Kit HERE to revamp your profile today!
EMILY MORSE (14:45)
Doctor of Human Sexuality, Emily Morse, is on a mission to liberate the conversation about sex and pleasure. Emily is the best-selling author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight! and host of the #1 Sexuality podcast on iTunes Sex With Emily.
She has been profiled in The New York Times, Forbes, and The Times of London. And, her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure”, comes out June 13th!
(16:30) Did you know you have a sex IQ?
With her book “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure” coming out in June 2023, Emily shares with us what a Sex IQ is. “We think about our IQ, and then we came out with EQ – emotional intelligence – in the 90s. And then with this book, I really wanted people to feel empowered to be sexually intelligent as well… So in this book, I present the five pillars of becoming sexually intelligent.” In short, being sexually intelligent is more of a holistic approach to understanding your own sex questions.
Emily also covers the pillars of sexual intelligence (HINT: both your mental and physical health contribute to your sexual intelligence).
(21:12) What does great sex look like?
Emily and Damona piece apart what it actually means to have “great sex” – because great sex looks different for everyone. Damona also brings up a question often asked at Dates & Mates, about what to do when your partner and you have different sex drives and how to bridge that gap. Emily explains that in a usual relationship dynamic, there is a high desire partner and a low desire partner. And bridging the gap between your sex drives will involve scheduling your sexcapades ahead of time (which can be completely HOT).
(29:52) Take control of your own arousal.
Trust and communication are some of the keys to having really awesome sex. But in order to have trust and communication in the bedroom, it’s important to know what turns you on and why.
Emily explains that scientists “look at the brainwave patterns of people falling in lust or falling in love, and people on cocaine, and the brainwave patterns are very, very similar. It is a drug and that drug, like everything that comes up, it’s going to have to come down again. So that’s where the work happens.”
Once the honeymoon phase ends and a couple is no longer riding on the fumes of the newness, they will have to consider what they can do to continue to be attracted to each other. “Part of becoming sexually intelligent is self knowledge, that’s another one of the pillars. How well do I know myself? How well do I know in the past? What worked for me and what didn’t? How well do I know what’s going to be a requirement for me to be turned on?”
Be sure to follow Emily on Instagram @SexWithEmily and pre-order her upcoming book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” by visiting sexwithemily.com/book.
DEAR DAMONA FT. EMILY MORSE (35:20)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Too Hot to Handle & Budget Valentines
It’s February, or as we call it here, LOVE MONTH, so it’s time to turn up the heat! We’re going to be talking about temptation, attraction, intimacy, relationship pacing and expectations.
How can you practice slow love if you’ve never done it before? Does having sex on the first date reduce your chances of long-term love? Will waiting for intimacy make it hotter when you finally do the deed?
These are the questions that the cast of Netflix’s Too Hot To Handle, Season 4, contend with. If you haven’t seen the show yet, here’s the deal with Too Hot To Handle. They put 10 gorgeous singles on an island where they wear bikinis, live together, and fight for a chance to win a $200,000 grand prize by… get this… staying celibate.
The show has become so popular that everyone knows the game. So this season, they had to trick the contestants by making them think they were on a raucous hot new reality show called Wild Love. Surprise! Instead of Wild Love, you get to sleep in a bed with someone you’re wild about and you can’t do anything about it.
Too Hot To Handle is full of twists and turns that can actually teach you a thing or two about your dating journey. And that’s why we’ve got two stars of the show – James Pendergrass and Brittan Byrd – joining us today to share their love story and the surprising realizations that they had since the show ended.
DATING DISH (2:42)
Planning your V-Day last minute? Here’s what Americans are buying this Valentine’s Day:
Valentine’s Day has come around once again, lovers! But this round is not without strife – even with the impact of inflation on normal dating (or “infladating”), the National Retail Federation says that Americans will spend around $26 BILLION on Valentine’s Day this year. What are they buying, exactly? 57% are going for candy, 40% for greeting cards, 37% are picking flowers, 32% are choosing an evening out. This is followed by 21% for jewelry, 20% for gift cards, and 19% for clothing.
All these stats are fine and good, but the bottom line is to give your sweetheart a gift that is thoughtful and mindful. (AKA Don’t just throw money at the problem.) Think about the conversations you’ve had with this person and let that inspire your gift-giving. And if you’ve run out of ideas for outings, let us give you some inflation-friendly date ideas for V-Day (because eating out doesn’t have to be the default):
If you’re on the online dating struggle bus, not to worry! We have a FREE resource called The Profile Starter Kit, which you can get your hot little hands on just by clicking here!
JAMES PENDERGRASS/BRITTAN BYRD (11:20)
James Pendergrass and Brittan Byrd were contestants in Season 4 of the Netflix reality show, Too Hot To Handle.
Off-screen, James is a physical therapist, model and basketball enthusiast. Brittan is a model as well (a cover-model to be exact). They’re beautiful but they’re also bright – and they are now officially a couple!
(14:22) PSYCH! You’re on Too Hot To Handle.
With a show like Too Hot To Handle gaining so much traction in so little time, many contestants have caught on early to the twist of the show (AKA you’re not allowed to be physical with other contestants, or money is taken away from the prize fund). So in James and Brittan’s case, they thought they had been cast in a show called “Wild Love.” James and Brittan share what went through their heads when they realized they were in the “sex jail” of reality shows – and how the show’s rules actually further led them to each other.
(Would you ever go on a reality dating show? What about if the show ended up being Too Hot To Handle? Let us know! 👀)
(20:37) The real world vs Reality TV
Damona asks the couple if they feel their relationship would have unfolded the same way if they had met IRL instead of on a TV show. Weirdly enough, James recalls how he and Brittan both lived in Hawaii (about 8 minutes from each other) and never crossed paths. “I think the way we access our relationship through the show compared to if we would have done it before the show, it would have been an entirely different route that I don’t think would have been as successful as it is now.” Brittan also comments how meeting on Too Hot To Handle helped them build a strong foundation that they may not have been able to if meeting in the real world.
Damona also asks for James and Brittan’s honest opinion on whether they recommend the Too Hot To Handle experiment to others…
(24:05) Don’t let the haters get you down.
We all know that to an extent, what we see on reality television is always “reality.” So is the couple actually in a relationship, or are the internet’s claims about faking their love story true? Brittan responds, “Honestly, we know our relationship, we know each other. And many of the experiences we share and the time we spend together are very private, it’s very intimate. And I don’t feel the need to go and share everything on social media like some other couples do.”
Be sure to follow James and Brittan on Instagram – @JamesPendergrass_ and @Brittan_Byrd.
DEAR DAMONA (31:56)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from Marie – Hi Damona! I just turned 30 and feel like at this point, I’m not sure if I want kids due to a few reasons (financial & environmental resources depleting). I’m not sure how much weight to put into this decision so early on when I have a “prove to me that I want kids with you because we will be good at raising them together” outlook. When I’m swiping if I see “don’t want children or unsure” I think oh that’s a positive and if they have “wants kids” selected, I cautiously proceed. I recently went on a first date with this great guy knowing his biggest goal is to have a family and he mentioned it again in person. I tried thanking and releasing after the date, but we found ourselves talking again. So now I feel like I’m in limbo. Would a mindset shift help when swiping?