Cosmo’s AI Advice & Love Languages Lesson

It’s 2024 and AI is here to stay. The question is, how will it impact your dating life? The answer…well, a lot. From photo generators to language models to analyzing past relationships and offering advice, we’re essentially on a collision course with the 2013 Joaquin Phoenix movie, Her. 

But it turns out that the news is not all bad – actually it’s pretty good if you’re willing to give it a listen! 

Cosmopolitan Magazine recently teamed up with Bumble to conduct an AI & Dating Survey, made up of over 5,000 singles and actively dating Gen Z’ers and Millennials ages 18 to 42. 

And here to break down the findings with us today is none other than the Deputy Editor of Cosmopolitan herself, Madeleine Reeves! She will be sharing key data, what we can expect and how to navigate the intersection of technology and love.

But first we have a steamy hot dating dish to serve up for you – New science concludes the love languages are nothing but fluff.

DATING DISH (2:03)

The very sexy Neuroscience News.com says: Debunking love myths. A new look at romance and science challenges the popular five love languages with evidence based research.

The study covers the work of Toronto based researcher, Amy Muse, which puts forward proof that most people like all of the love languages. The work proposes a balanced diet metaphor for expressing love and says that we need diverse and evolving expressions of affection in relationships. Ultimately, the new research says that Doctor Chapman’s measure pits the love languages against each other.

If you’ve read F The Fairy Tale, then you know that Damona has been skeptical of the love languages for some time despite their on-going popularity. She points out that “we are far more complex than any label on a dating app, any hashtag on TikTok, or any simple phrase could sum up.”

MADELEINE REEVES (8:22)

Madeleine Reeves is the deputy editor at Cosmopolitan and oversees all the sex, dating, and relationship content for Cosmo. 

With more than a decade of magazine industry experience in editing, writing, and reporting, she now recruits writers, sources, and pitches, and shapes stories and lineups for both the site and the print magazine. She also assigns and edits celebrity profiles, including Cosmo’s cover stories. 

(10:35) What stood out in Cosmopolitan and Bumble’s AI & Dating survey?

Madeleine shared that she was a little surprised to find that the survey results around AI & dating were overwhelmingly positive. “I thought it would be a bit more split as far as people’s eagerness to accept AI into their dating lives.” But she shared these key stats:

  • 71% of people say that they would use AI to help set up their profile
  • 81% say that they would share their whole messaging history with a dating bot coach to give them advice on what to do next
  • 59% say they would rather ask AI than their friends for help choosing a picture for their profile

Damona agrees that AI is going to be better than your friends, but she says a dating coach will always be more helpful than AI. “The difference between what I would say and what Bumble’s tools would say is they’re just going based on swipes, and I’m going based on connection and results.”

(14:48) Make AI your assistant, not your replacement.

Damona often suggests to listeners and clients to think of AI as a tool. “We put so much pressure on them to do all of the work for us, where if we can just use it as a data point of like, oh, well, that’s interesting. Now I know that piece and fill in the rest with our brains and our hearts, then it’s a lot more useful.”

Madeleine says that ended up being the thesis of the AI & Dating survey. “You don’t want to rely on these tools to do it all for you, because you want to use them to show up as authentically yourself, you know? So if you’re getting prompts of, here are some things you can say, you want to be personalizing those even further, using it as a jumping off point, using it as an assistant, and not as a replacement for yourself.”

(18:49) Madeleine’s hope for AI & Dating

Madeleine points out that if you’re online dating without the help of a coach, then you’re kind of just swiping based on how well the other person takes photos, writes quippy answers to prompts, and how well they flirt. She laughs when she says these aren’t the qualities she looks for in a partner, but she means it. Her hope is that it will be a good tool “for folks who maybe aren’t the best at writing a quippy, flirty phrase; that they can turn to these tools to help them do it in a way that feels authentic to them.”

 

Find Madeleine on Instagram @madeleinefrankreeves, Cosmopolitan on Instagram @Cosmopolitan and check out Cosmo & Bumble’s AI & Dating Study for yourself by visiting: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a46574186/ai-dating/

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:36)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

 

IG DM from Anonymous

Hi Damona, I’m a new listener and I’ve really enjoyed your podcast and perspective! 

I’m in my late 20s and until recently I didn’t have a strong desire to be in a relationship. I was never really a boy crazy child or teen. I had crushes but was a shyer kid so didn’t put much into exploring that. In college I got a fair amount of attention but again I didn’t see the point in committing to a relationship because I felt like I had all my needs met with my social relationships. 

Now as an adult something about it feels physically uncomfortable. I know personally that I am so skeptical about people’s intentions and feel like I attract men that think I’m a challenge because I don’t actively seek their attention. I tried once going on a dating app but it felt really inauthentic. 

I’d love to just be set up by a friend but I’ve been told that they don’t think they know anyone good enough for me which is kind but not helpful. What do I do??

Love on the Spectrum & Dating Bounty

Our brains work in very different ways and statistically speaking, you probably know someone who falls under the banner of neurodivergent. You might even be or suspect you are neurodivergent yourself. 

But how does that impact dating? Well, a lot. 

Our guest today discovered later in life that she was on the Autism spectrum and now she makes her living teaching people with Autism now to navigate a world that is not built for them, dating and beyond! That’s right, we are welcoming Jennifer Cook back to the show! 

She’s the autism and dating expert on one of our favorite shows, Love on the Spectrum, and she’s going to tell us what you can expect if you’re dating someone on the spectrum or if you have a hunch that you might be on the spectrum yourself.

Plus she’ll give us really practical exercises for building the skills of dating that you can try at home, even if you’re neurotypical.

But first we have a steamy hot dating dish to serve up for you: Wanted, True Love. Reward, $100,000. 

DATING DISH (1:59)

In a recent New York Times article, a reporter covered the story of two friends who listed dating bounties summing over $100,000. Spoiler alert, one of the men has found love and the couple is raising a child together. But Damona questions if the money would have been better spent on a matchmaker who already has connections to qualified singles.

Regardless, Damona emphasizes the importance of investing in your love life, whether with your time, your money or both. She encourages trying a paid subscription on your favorite dating app in combination with meeting people IRL, through friends and possibly even singles events.

JENNIFER COOK (8:11)

Jennifer Cook is an autism advocate and the on-camera expert for Netflix’s triple award winning Love On The Spectrum US. She is the author of nine best selling books available in eight languages, including the foundational Asperkids and her groundbreaking memoir, Autism In Heels.

(13:06) Identifying Late In Life 

Jennifer didn’t display any of the stereotypical signs of autism in her youth. She was the social chair for her sorority and a cheerleader in college. It wasn’t until after her children were identified to be on the spectrum that she saw the similarities.

“I wasn’t really into Star Wars, but I sure lined up on my Barbies, and I took some great wedding album pictures of them and, you know, it was a different way of playing, a different way of being.”

(21:57) Tanner Would Stand In Front Of You At The Zoo 

Jennifer coaches a participant on the show named Tanner, asking him where he would stand if he took a date to the zoo. He replies that he would stand in front so that he could be a good leader.  Good intention, wrong idea. Jennifer argues that this is Tanner’s interpretation of society’s messaging that a man should lead.

She says it popped up again when it came to communication. Tanner reveals that he felt he had to keep the conversation flowing at all times so as to be a good leader.  Jennifer explains that sometimes it is okay for the conversation to die down, but recommends that in these moments Tanner relieves the pressure by simply saying, “I can’t think of anything else to say right now, but I’m having a good time.”

Damona reminds listeners that oftentimes just naming a feeling can be so disarming to the other person that it allows them to open up again.

(31:28) Friendship Is Like Concentric Circles 

Jennifer talks about an exercise she developed to help explain the levels of intimacy. “A lot of times neurodivergent people who tend to be very warm and very friendly, will misunderstand the idea that if someone is friendly, that they are a friend.” 

So Jennifer created a bullseye out of crepe paper to illustrate the ways that friendship is built in levels. She says, “it was the idea that you can’t literally jump to the center of the room, to a very close bond and relationship, without falling flat on your face.”

Jennifer says the key is reciprocity, time spent, and a balance in both interest and care and empathy. 

 

Be sure to follow Jennifer on Instagram @JenniferCook_Author and check out “Love On The Spectrum US” on Netflix!

 

DEAR DAMONA (39:00)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

 

Email from N

Greetings! I saw you on the Drew Barrymore Show, bought your new book and loved it. I’ve been listening to your podcasts and have a question that I haven’t heard addressed. 

I’m a long time divorced senior in the dating world, using apps to meet guys. Many are widowed. I’m an empathetic and kind person and all of these guys have to tell me the long version of how their wife died and constantly talk about their deceased wife. 

I’ve sometimes waited 6 months and the chatter never changes. I understand they had a long history with her. I’ve joked that I wish I would have met her or how much I feel like I know her, but they don’t get the hint. 

Truthfully, I don’t enjoy hearing all of their cute little stories with what’s her name. It is a way of getting to know him but it must be all he thinks about…..any suggestions?

Couple To Throuple & Dumped Over Dogs

In one of Damona’s recent episodes of The Drew Barrymore show, she chatted with a lovely triad of people called Camp Throuple. They were on to share the realities of being in a polyamorous relationship from living together to sleeping in the same bed. 

So many of you were curious about it, we decided we should explore this a little bit more.

The groundbreaking polyamorous reality dating show, Couple To Throuple, premiered on Peacock February 8th. Now we won’t give any spoilers today, but our guest will share what he’s learned after hosting this unique show and from his own experiences in polyamory. 

That guest is none other than Damona’s friend, the co-host of Access Daily & Access Hollywood and NOW host of Peacock’s revolutionary new series, Couple to Throuple – Scott Evans!

But first the dating dish today might leave you howling…Pawlicy Advisor says People Are Getting Dumped Over Dogs.

Then our Dear Damona question this week is super relatable: Should I pay for upgrades on my dating profile?

All right, friends. Grab a friend, grab two friends, maybe grab a throuple because it’s time to dish!

 DATING DISH (2:30)

Pawlicy Advisor says folks are getting dumped over dogs! 

Pawlicy Advisor, a pet insurance marketplace, conducted a survey and found that over half of women would dump their boyfriend if their dog did not like them. In fact, 44% of women feel that their dog is a better judge of character than them, which concerns Damona.

Now here’s where things get very interesting because only 18% of women have pets in their profile. But 71% of women admitted that if a man had a dog in his profile, they would match with him. Damona adds that dating profiles that contain the words travel, music, love, and dog get the most matches and likes on OkCupid. 

It is fascinating to see how people have developed these relationships with their pets that are sort of like surrogate relationships. Damona breaks down the importance of creating space in our lives for a potential partner. “So if you have a dog, certainly show one picture in your dating profile, not multiple, and also no solo shots of your dog, please. That’s not the look.”

Damona shares how you can use your dog as your wingman in this blog post and this Instagram post.

SCOTT EVANS (7:40)

Scott Evans is an Emmy award nominated entertainment journalist. He currently hosts the entertainment news show “Access Hollywood” and the talk show “Access Daily with Mario and Kit”. (Damona gets to do her Dating Dictionary segments with him – here’s the most recent one. And they also did a super fun segment up at Universal Studios in the Love Shack where they were answering dating questions.)

But, You may know Scott as the host of two seasons of NBC’s hit dance competition series “World of Dance,” USA Network’s “America’s Big Deal” and OWN’s first weekly live talk show “OWN Tonight.”

Now, he’s the host of the hit Peacock series Couple to Throuple’

(11:15) Scott’s First Experience with Nonmonogamy

Scott talks about his early days living in New York at a time when he was still exploring his sexuality. He describes the day of his father’s funeral, “And I remember praying that if I were keeping myself back, if I were withholding myself from love… to open me up to it and to make it so obvious that I couldn’t deny it.” 

According to Scott that “love” appeared the very next day. When they discovered that they lived far apart, they decided they would work it out and not allow the distance or other partners to come between them.

(24:13) So You’re Considering Opening Your Relationship

Scott says that if you are considering opening your relationship, it is first important to determine what you are trying to achieve as a couple. “Get very clear on that because if you’re not on the same page, adding someone to your dynamic is not going to magically repair that. Second, I think that you also have to recognize that it’s going to feel just like dating all over again.”

(29:11) Couple to Throuple

Scott describes the show as being about open and clear communication. It’s about what happens when people say I trust you enough to be who and how you are 100% and being able to accept that whatever happens, happens.

“I think so much of our time in a relationship, we’re trying to manage the other person, we’re doing our best to make them be, or hope that they’ll become, or prevent them from doing, that we don’t ever actually allow them to be who they are. And so we mess up the beautiful part.”

 

Be sure to follow Scott on Instagram @IAmScottEvans and check out Couple To Throuple on Peacock!

 

DEAR DAMONA (29:14)

Submit your questions on InstagramXTikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • IG message from P

Hi Damona! I am brand new to your work – I just started F the Fairy Tale on audiobook and am wanting to reevaluate & revamp my approach to dating! 

I’m sorry if you address this elsewhere, but would you recommend paying for a dating app like Hinge to access the enhanced filtering and other features?

Tinder Love & Love Don’t Cost a Thing

​​

Dating is sometimes just a string of mistakes and learning experiences.  We’ve all had our ups and downs – from figuring out how to flirt to navigating new relationships to learning how to read subtle cues. It’s sometimes trial and error, but who says it all to be sooo serious? What if, instead of internalizing our setbacks, we took a moment to laugh at them? Laughter is the best medicine, after all.

That’s why our guest this week is Lane Moore, host of the comedy stage show Tinder Live. She’ll be joining us to talk about her new book “You’re Not the Only One Effing Up: Breaking the Endless Cycle of Dating Mistakes.” 

Later on, for our “Dear Damona” segment, we’ll answer this question: People often say boring equals healthy. But are there ever times this just isn’t true?

All right, pull up a chair and get ready, lovers. As they say, love don’t cost a thing – but our advice is priceless!

 

DATING DISH (1:43)

Money talks are getting spicy in the dating scene lately! As traditional gender roles shift and women gain financial independence, we’re seeing folks vet potential partners on money manners as much as romance. These matches are being referred to as “financial flames”.

In this week’s episode, we’re exploring whether getting fiscal can actually bring couples closer. Can shared finance goals and tools lead to greater understanding? Does splitting the check change the power balance? There’s a new “norm” in town!

LANE MOORE (9:39)

This week, we welcome Lane Moore! She is an award-winning writer, actor, comedian, and host of the “I Thought it Was Just Me” podcast on Patreon. Her best-selling books are titled “How to Be Alone: If You Want To, and Even If You Don’t,” and “You Will Find Your People: How to Make Meaningful Friendships as an Adult”. 

Lane also has a brand new book out: “You’re Not the Only One Effing Up: Breaking the Endless Cycle of Dating Mistakes.” Her comedy show Tinder Live has been praised by the New York Times, Spin Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, CBS, Timeout New York and New York Magazine. 

(10:40) What is Tinder Live?

Online dating can unearth some wild profiles. In her show Tinder Live, Lane lets audiences in on the swiping experience by projecting her actual app on stage. The crowd votes left or right, intentionally opting for oddball picks – we’re talking near-naked selfies, an excess of fish pics, even a guy snuggling roadkill!

While played for laughs, Lane takes a thoughtful approach, too. She critiques profiles constructively and finds that even chaotic matches can spark insightful conversations around better self-expression. “So it’s really taking that and turning it into something cathartic and really funny. There is an element of Tinder life that is also educational,” Lanes says.

(13:37) When is a Red Flag not a Red Flag?

Tired of toxic dating advice based on oversimplified “red flags”? Lane urges more nuance when evaluating relationships. She pushes back on rigid rules that write people off—like the trope that a guy not close to his mom spells trouble. Her own difficult upbringing taught Lane that family estrangement doesn’t define someone’s worth.

Lane unpacks the problematic “life hack” mentality around modern dating in favor of more compassionate understanding between partners.

(19:18) What About the Cat Dudes?

The data shows dudes with cats in dating profile pics get fewer messages. But Lane argues our reaction says more about lingering gender norms than the guys. “To me, it’s so obvious what that is. It’s because we think of cats as being a more feminine animal, like having a more feminine energy than a dog.” Lanes shares.

Lane calls BS – caring for pets shows compassion and consistency, right? And cats selectively give their love – so “cat guys” put in the effort!

(21:34) Green Flags

Forget red flags – Lane says start spotting relationship green flags! Instead of worrying what your date thinks, take note of how they make you feel. Do they bring fun energy that helps you relax and be yourself? Or are you working overtime to fill awkward silences and prop up bad convos?

Pay attention to that instinct telling you, “this kind of sucks.” You shouldn’t have to perform extreme emotional labor to save lackluster dates! As Lane puts it, dating is “an interview” to see if you both impress each other with natural chemistry and authenticity.

Be sure to check out the Tinder Live tour. Dates are listed at LaneMoore.org.  Her new ebook and audiobook You’re Not the Only One F*cking Up: Breaking the Endless Cycle of Dating Mistakes is out now and available exclusively from Everand.

DEAR DAMONA (29:14)

Submit your questions on InstagramXTikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Anonymous DM from Instagram:

  • Could you add some nuance to the popular boring equals healthy advice? I understand it from an attachment perspective. But let’s assume I’ve done the inner work. I have found that boring just sometimes equals boring.  I fully agree with your four pillars and wonder where things like intellectual connection and humor/laughter fit in because they aren’t often addressed in dating advice. I am rarely attracted to someone for their physical appearance. The “spark” for me is a good conversation that occasionally goes deep and laughs. So if that’s not there after one or two phone calls and or dates, I usually END things. Am I being short-sighted? I always try to give the benefit of the doubt, but it’s such a fine line between giving a connection time to bloom and leading someone on – of which I’ve been accused. Thanks.
Drew barrymore, damona hoffman make valentine's day fondue for dating couple

Drew Crew: Valentine’s Day Special

Pilar Valdes and Damona Hoffman Join Drew in Her Kitchen!

Drew barrymore, damona hoffman make valentine's day fondue for dating couple

Just in time for Valentine’s Day Damona joined Drew and Pilar to help create a special fondue recipe for an amazing couple!

Drew-crew members Pilar Valdes and Damona Hoffman are joining Drew in the kitchen to teach a couple how to make a fondue recipe perfect for Valentine’s Day!

Drew, Damona and Pilar finish off creating an amazing Valentine’s Day treat!

Damona Hoffman interviews Dr. Helen Fisher on the 2023 Singles in Amercia Match.com report

Dating Trends & Ending Ex Talk

​​

Welcome to a very special Valentine’s Day post, friends! Tomorrow’s the big day and many of you are feeling the pressure to be coupled up or get struck by Cupid’s arrow. But we all know the holiday brings up a mix of emotions – from excitement to disdain and everything in between.

Regardless of your date status, we can look to relationship insights to chart brighter paths forward. That’s why we are thrilled to share this conversation with the incredible Dr. Helen Fisher, chief science advisor for Match and renowned anthropologist. Helen is unpacking the latest Singles In America Study just in time to rethink our romantic futures.

We knew Helen’s wisdom would unfold an intriguing discourse with new trends emerging across politics, technology, and intimacy. The insights deliver optimism for love in modern times. While dynamics are shifting, an inherent human drive for meaningful connections endures.

It’s a super-sized interview, so we are skipping the Dating Dish this week. But, we still have a steamy hot Dear Damona: How do I get my guy to stop talking about his exes??

It’s a very F the Fairy Tale style Valentine’s Day episode!

 

DR. HELEN FISHER (2:36)

Dr. Helen Fisher, renowned as a Ph.D. biological anthropologist, holds esteemed positions as a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, Indiana Universit and as the chief science advisor to the Match Group.

She has written six books on the evolution, biology, and psychology of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the neural chemistry of romantic love and attachment, human biologically-based personality styles, why we fall in love with one person rather than another, hooking up, friends with benefits, living together and other current trends, and the future of relationships.

She is quoted in Damona’s book, F the Fairy Tale. Damona has worked alongside her and admired her for many years.

Dates & Mates Podcast guest Dr. Helen Fisher on Match.com's study Singles in America

(4:44) Singles in America Report

Match Group’s annual survey of American singles, Singles in America Report, reveals intriguing insights into dating trends. This year, some of the most surprising details emerged around three topics: polyamory, AI, and sex education preferences. While the data shows more openness to non-monogamy, most still ultimately seek committed relationships. Match also collected pioneering data on how people use AI in dating.

(8:12) AI as a Tool for Dating

Match’s annual singles study revealed 43% are now using AI to help craft more attractive dating profiles and messages, yielding better connections.

Helen argues this continues the eternal drive to leverage any advice to find mates – previously from mothers and friends, today from algorithms. So while some question if AI detracts from authenticity, Helen views it as the newest iteration of humans strategizing to present their best self when courting.

(11:55) Lonely and Hopeful

While 1 in 4 Americans are lonely, Match’s singles study surprisingly found 20% of youth see isolation motivating their love lives. Helen says loneliness drives connection. She advises meeting more people and focusing on compatible matches. Though modern dating can trigger loneliness, the feeling may also realign singles to relationship fundamentals.

(19:08) Gen Z: Victorians on the Move

“I’m calling them the new Victorians,” says Helen of young singles.

Despite Gen Z’s remote-work enabled nomadic dating, and millennials marrying much later, she argues an extended “pre-commitment” stage nurtures wisdom – allowing more time to self-discover and try partners before settling down. Though modern dynamics grow complicated.

(24:23) Let’s Talk About Sex

Today’s singles are getting intimate faster, with fewer taboos or repercussions. But Helen argues hookups aren’t really “casual” – biologically, sex still sparks bonding brain systems that evolved for attachment. Essentially, the lid is off sexually. Yet our brain wiring remains the same for meaningful connections – even amid freer exploration.

Patience and wisdom remain vital navigation tools on the modern romantic landscape. The terrain may have shifted, but human hearts still seek meaning.

Connect with Dr. Helen Fisher on her website: HelenFisher.com. Be sure to read Match’s Singles in America 2023 report.

DEAR DAMONA (31:00).

Submit your questions on InstagramXTikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Instagram DM from V:

  • Dear Damona, I love your podcast. Here’s my background and dilemma: I’m 56, my 20-year marriage ended in divorce 10 years ago, and I’ve been actively dating for the past seven years, learning what I need at this stage of life. My dilemma. I’ve been dating a guy for six months. We met on a dating app, and we live two hours away from each other and see each other once a month, sometimes twice. We typically spend the weekends at his place. We are not exclusive. Although I’m not dating anyone else by choice. He’s transparent about having a long-term polyamorous relationship. I know it’s a lot. We get along great, have a lot in common, sex is good, and we practice safe sex, but he constantly talks about his past relationships. I appreciate the vulnerability. But I’m getting tired of hearing about all the women he’s dated. How can I tell him I’m not polyamorous? By the way, I didn’t expect this to go beyond a summer fling, but it’s nice. We have an ease about us. And we really like each other. I’m not trying to move too fast or force anything. But I’d like to let him know the conversations about his past are starting to turn me off. 

The New York Times: How Sad Love Songs Tap Into the Chaos of Dating

“You feel the highs and lows more acutely,” said Ms. Hoffman, who recently published a book, “F the Fairy Tale,” drawing on her 17 years as a dating coach. These emotional extremes, she added, may drive many to seek comfort. Listening to music (or even writing it) is one way of coping” – Sadiba Hasan

The dating landscape today is fast-paced, which can result in heightened emotions. What can make you feel better? Seeking comfort, and you may find that comfort in music! Read all about it: How Sad Love Songs Tap Into the Chaos of Dating

Ebony: Here are the 6 Tips You Should Follow to Find the One

Damona sat down with Delaina Dixon from Ebony and dished on her new book “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story”. They discussed dating tips based on the Four Pillars of Compatibility and choosing curiosity over chemistry! To learn more check out Here are the 6 Tips You Should Follow to Find the One.

Damona Hoffman sits down and talks to Ebony about the new book F the Fairy Tale and dating tips

access daily mario and kit sit down with damona hoffman to discuss f the fairy tale

Access Daily: Let’s Talk About F the Fairy Tale

Damona sits down with Mario and Kit on Access Daily to discuss her new book “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story”. Debunking the Rule Myth and embracing curiosity over chemistry!

Mashable: Dates & Mates Named One of Top Podcasts of 2023

Mashable named its 11 best sex and relationship podcasts of 2023, and guess who made the list? That’s right…the Dates & Mates podcast with Damon Hoffman was highlighted for its great dating advice and amazing guests. Make sure to check it out!

drew crew with damona hoffman first date make over and first date advice.

Drew Crew to the Rescue: The Importance of Seeking Curiosity and Clarity on Your First Dates

Dating expert Damona Hoffman and style expert Zanna Roberts Rassi join Drew to help a deserving viewer with a first-date makeover! Plus, they give her advice to help raise her dating confidence!

The Drew Crew Gives a Viewer a Makeover to Help Raise Her Dating Confidence | Drew Crew to the Rescue

Damona Hoffman on the Importance of Seeking Curiosity and Clarity on Your First Dates | Drew Crew to the Rescue

MJ Harris and Damona Hoffman talk about love, tinder dates, ghosting and valentines day

Dating App Deja Vu & The Tinder Rule

As we approach Valentine’s Day, let’s shift our focus from the idyllic scenes painted by Hallmark, See’s, and Tiffany’s. Instead, let’s embrace the essence of the holiday: LOVE. 

Our esteemed guest, MJ Harris, author of “Get The F*ck Out Your Own Way,” joins us to reveal the secrets of empowering your relationships—be they personal, platonic, or romantic. He challenges conventional notions, including the surprising perspective that there might be nothing wrong with ghosting?! As a seasoned world traveler, MJ will also share The Tinder Rule for those navigating the dating scene abroad. Get ready for insightful revelations and a dose of love wisdom!

But first, we have the Dating Dish this week, and it’s right on time for Valentine’s Day!

DATING DISH (2:34)

Damona explores the phenomenon of “avalanching” highlighted by Stylist Magazine – a frantic, quantity-centric dating approach fueled by the pressure of Valentine’s Day. Damona’s upbeat advice centers around intentional dating. She advises singles to avoid the rush and focus on slow love.

Citing Sylvia Liza Loni, an expert from  FindingtheOne.com app, Damona shares three quick tips on capturing the conclusion of peak dating season and maybe even a date for Valentine’s Day!

MJ HARRIS (13:36)

MJ Harris is an international speaker, social media celebrity, and the author of the new book, “Get The F*ck Out Your Own Way: A Guide to Letting Go of the Sh*t That’s Holding You Back”. MJ has been featured by Oprah, USA, Today and Black Enterprise. He’s also the CEO and founder of the MJ Harris Financial Group.

MJ Harris and Damona Hoffman discuss love and dating valentine's day

(16:20) Are You a Recovering People Pleaser?

People pleasing is a hard habit to break, but being aware of this tendency allows you to pause and respond intentionally. As MJ says, anytime someone presses you to answer right away, that likely serves them more than you. A thoughtful pause is so much better than quick reactions we might regret. Moving too fast or on auto-pilot can mean ignoring our needs and wants.

MJ gives himself space when asked for something: “I am conscious of processing my feelings so my decisions reflect my best interest – not just pleasing others.”  

(23:10) No is a Complete Sentence

Saying “no” challenges even the most caring people pleasers. We tend to over-explain, trying to talk ourselves into a “yes” instead of setting clear boundaries. 

MJ suggests that “no” can be a complete sentence and it doesn’t have to be blurted out directly. Give yourself permission to phrase it in whatever format feels most comfortable to you. The priority becomes honoring what you actually want or don’t want to do. 

(27:50) Ghosting is ok??

MJ doesn’t demonize ghosting. He says that ending communication abruptly causes real hurt, but not everyone has the tools to confront disappointment directly due to past trauma. Rather than excuse it, he suggests accepting that ghosting exists as an unfortunate dating reality. 

He says that staying attuned to subtle cues along the way can alert you to a potential situation. MJ shares his own ghosting experiences saying, “there were normally some nonverbal cues along the way that I may have kind of overlooked,” he says. Essentially, if texts decline in warmth and plans grow platonic way before the final silence forms, a fade is brewing. 

(37:17) The Tinder Rule

MJ shares his “Tinder rule”. Different cultures find different looks attractive. So vet destinations beforehand by asking locals if your vibe resonates there.

When asked about LDRs, MJ says, “I think that long-distance relationships can work if there is the prospect of you two living in the same place within a very clear timeline.” Most important emotional needs don’t get met without frequent in-person contact, but for busy careers, scheduled mini-reunions help maintain bonds.

Follow MJ on Instagram @MJHarrisSpeaks and grab a copy of his book, Get The F*ck Out Your Own Way, wherever books are sold!

DEAR DAMONA (41:23).

Submit your questions on InstagramXTikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Instagram DM from Pearl:

  • I’m going back on the apps after having been on and off for a few years now. What do you do when you see men you’ve previously matched with, went on one or multiple dates with, or have slept with?
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