While we are each unique in our biology and our upbringing, there is typically one thing we all seek, one of our basic needs… love. The thing is, there is no “general education” when it comes to dating and relationships. Sure, most of us get the sex talk. But what about the empathy or communication talk?
That’s why we’ve got Jennifer Cook, the expert of Damona’s favorite Netflix show, “Love on the Spectrum,” joining us today. She will be shedding light on the not-so-obvious social rules of dating. She’ll also be sharing what it’s like dating with autism or dating someone who is on the spectrum.
DATING DISH (1:36)
The rise of singles parties – is this the new way to find love?:
According to Yahoo News, there is a major vibe shift happening in favor of singles parties. New research from the global dating app Inner Circle shows that pre-lockdown, three quarters of singles wanted to meet people in real life. But that definitely didn’t include singles parties, since 4/10 refused to attend one. But now, 87% of singles think it’s more socially acceptable to meet someone at a singles party than it was before the pandemic.
Of the singles that Inner Circle surveyed, people have become more open to the idea of singles parties either because it’s a fun night out, because they know everyone there is looking for a match, or because they believe it’s the closest thing to meeting someone “in real life.” And not only are the attitudes towards these parties changing, the parties themselves have been leveling up – think outrageous quiz nights, burlesque shows, museum tours, night cycling, and more.
So here are the article’s tips on how to set yourself up for singles-party success, plus Damona’s personal take:
- Bring a wingman. Damona’s take – it’s a great idea, unless it’s going to make you isolated. Ask yourself, what would happen if you didn’t bring your wingman as a security blanket? What would happen if you just showed up as yourself? You’d probably be forced to go out of your way to make connections, which may be a good thing.
- Get into it! Whether it’s dancing on tables, chatting to strangers or introducing yourself to a group. Don’t be worried about striking up conversation. Damona’s take – “getting into it” applies to how you show up as well, i.e. how you choose to present yourself and what you’re wearing. A lot of times, we like to revert to our clothing comfort zones. But don’t be afraid to have a piece (or pieces) of flair. And don’t forget about the color red. We are conditioned to pay more attention to the color red, so this will work wonders at a singles event.
- Be clear on what you’re looking for. Everyone at the party is single, but that doesn’t mean you all want the same thing. Damona’s take – Okay, it’s a singles party, so you’re allowed to pump the brakes a bit. You don’t need to get into future-talk as heavily. Focus on having fun, and don’t take it too seriously.
- Prep your ice-breaker, especially if you’re on the shy side. Damona’s take – not only is it great to prep some ice-breakers for singles events, but do this on dates as well. Yes, it sounds nerdy. But nobody has to see the preparation.
- Treat it like a night out. It’s not always about the phone number you leave with. Damona’s take – for singles events and dates alike, learn to let go of the outcome. This may be difficult at first, but practice, practice, practice. In dating, Damona promises it will pay off.
- DAMONA’S BONUS TIP: Set a stretch goal for yourself before you go in. A stretch goal is something that you probably wouldn’t do if you hadn’t set the goal. Something like, “I will talk to at least five people that I don’t know.” Whatever it is, it’s something that’s a stretch for you. And it’s something that will generate more connections.
If you want more dating help from me, my Free Profile Starter Kit will help you refresh your dating profile and get on your way to more dates. It’s not going to be free forever, so download yours HERE!
JENNIFER COOK (9:22)
Jennifer Cook is an autism advocate, speaker, author and the on-camera Autism Expert in Netflix’s internationally-celebrated series, “Love on the Spectrum – US.”
She is the author of 9 bestselling books including Autism in Heels and the creator of Belong, where people can gain community and learn more of Jennifer’s expertise. Her personal story has been featured in The New York Post, The Guardian, BBC World Service, NPR.
(10:02) The rules you should just know:
As dating coaches, both Jennifer and Damona know the ways in which we can all feel bewildered by dating etiquette and the rules it seems we should all just know. From this expectation, we tend to make a ton of assumptions about the rules that we commit to and operate from. Being a dating specialist for individuals on the spectrum, Jennifer knows that this challenge is one that lies on a human spectrum. “One of the things I’ll say frequently is that nothing that I teach, nothing that I suggest, nothing that I talk about, is exclusive to people who are on the autism spectrum. Because life with autism is just life with the volume turned up in some ways, but it’s just life.”
Jennifer continues that “that which is intuited by neurotypical people isn’t often by neurodivergent people. And so there has to be a lot more intellectualizing, a lot more explicit teaching, that goes into just ordinary social situations.”
(13:01) A mid-life diagnosis:
Part of what is unique about Jennifer’s career in helping people navigate living with autism, is that Jennifer herself didn’t receive a diagnosis until much later in life… at 35 years old, to be exact. “You know, I was really just told my whole life that I was too smart for my own good, which doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to me. Some people with autism struggle very much with language… I mean, I make my living with words writing and speaking. So when that’s your area of savant then it’s often unrecognized, especially among girls and women.”
After being told that she is on the spectrum, Jennifer was able to recognize all the instances in her childhood and young adulthood in which the diagnosis totally made sense (like always feeling more comfortable around adults and always wanting to be teacher’s pet).
Jennifer had kind of remained a social dud, up until one fateful school musical. Her high school drama department was doing a production of the musical Damn Yankees, and Jennifer had been cast as the fiery Gwen Verdon role, Lola. At one point, Lola has a big number titled “Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets” complete with a full-on strip-tease. “Well, at 15, I was doing a striptease on stage for three nights in a row. And that will change your social life overnight… Then I was really thrust into a situation where suddenly I was ‘socially successful.’ But I was having to mimic and copy.”
Jennifer’s newfound popularity and mastery of mimicking social cues literally got her the nickname Flirt. But she warns that being really good at copying social cues can get you into a lot of trouble if you don’t understand the intentions behind them. “If you’re not really sure what signals you’re sending out… you learn to be so good at something that you don’t understand the power of, and flirting is powerful stuff… And so, you know, it’s, it’s something that I’ve learned to teach with a whole lot of care.”
(16:55) A conversation is a game of catch:
In one coaching session on Love on the Spectrum US, Jennifer was teaching charming and princess-obsessed Abby the social cues for having a conversation. Plain and simple. In this exercise, Jennifer decided to use ping pong balls as a physical representation of how a conversation should feel, rolling the balls back and forth with ease and equal participation. Jennifer also used the balls to show Abby what it’s like to only ask questions or only be the receiver of questions, rolling multiple balls her way without a moment to recuperate.
“A lot of times I say, for folks on the spectrum, that our minds will be interchangeable from moment to moment, like fireflies. And in that case, Abby was very much in firefly mode… I knew that if she was going to be able to find a way to have any kind of conversation with anybody that wasn’t just one liners and like you said, like an interview, right? Then we were gonna have to ground her thinking in something concrete.”
Jennifer wants her clients to become comfortable with flexible communication – in her words, it’s like being either cooked spaghetti or uncooked spaghetti. Rigid thinking is like being uncooked spaghetti, but with a little warmth and time, you can get all flexible and then your thinking softens. Damona adds, “I hope for anyone listening, they really feel empowered that you don’t have to be like a victim in a conversation… you always have the ability to shift the topic or move with the conversation.” And that is flexible communication, my friends!
(24:08) Neurodivergent vs. neurotypical:
You may not know this, but Damona herself has a neurodiverse child! Specifically, with sensory processing disorder. Damona explains, “I’m still learning about what that means and how we make modifications. But sometimes the environment that [these people] find themselves in can impact their behavior. So if it’s too loud in a room, or if they’re wearing clothes that feel uncomfortable, they can’t really be themselves.”
Jennifer further defines “neurodivergent” as disorders like ADD, ADHD, nonverbal learning disorder, and more. Aka, all the D’s. And if you don’t fall under this umbrella of disorders (or differences, as Jennifer prefers), then you are most likely neurotypical.
Although sensory processing disorder is its own thing, Jennifer notes that sensory experiences are at the core of every human being’s basic experience. “If what our senses are telling us isn’t good, then nothing else – no higher order thinking experiences, no rational thinking, no logical thinking, no cooperative thinking, no learning, no emotional balance – can happen when your sensory systems are offline.”
Weirdly enough, you can calm your dating nerves in the same way you calm down sensory overload! Jennifer suggests drinking a very thick drink (like a milkshake or a smoothie) through a straw, because the sucking motion helps to stall your senses. Another one you may have heard of is chewing multiple pieces of gum or gum with a really strong flavor. This chewing motion then sends a signal to your brain which is read as a massage sensation, so your brain tells your body that it’s okay to calm down.
(28:51) Tone markers:
Damona asks for Jennifer’s thoughts on text conversations – with both tone and facial cues being absent from texting, does Jennifer have any advice on communicating better in the digital space?
Jennifer immediately brings up something called tone markers. These are basically abbreviations that can be sent along with your text to indicate your intentions. For instance, SRS tells the recipient that you’re being serious. Here is a larger list of tone markers and some info on why they’re important.
Additionally, Jennifer remarks that mind blindness is another obstacle in allowing people on the spectrum to understand social cues. “[Mind blindness is] an inability to naturally take somebody else’s perspective, right? We don’t naturally step into someone else’s shoes. That’s why a lot of times, especially for younger people [or those who] haven’t learned really good social skills growing up, why it can seem that somebody is not caring and not empathetic, which is like the biggest complete lie about people on the spectrum. We can be among the most caring, compassionate people you’re ever going to meet, to the point of emotional pain. But we have to be taught from situation to situation.”
(35:56) The most interesting thing you can be is interested:
So are there any other good communication practices that can keep us from making misguided assumptions (like around texting)? Neurodivergent or not, Jennifer believes one of the best things you can do in dating is to just be clear and honest. “If we are putting ourselves out there and somebody else is putting themselves out there, be present. Have the kindness and the decency really to be forthright about how you’re feeling.”
One communication technique that Jennifer often uses (and teaches in Love on the Spectrum) is to use the phrase “tell me more.” As mentioned in this episode’s Dating Dish, having your conversation icebreakers on hand is always a good idea and will save you in moments of panic. But if you feel like you’ve hit another roadblock in a conversation, you can always ask the other person to tell you more about something they’ve mentioned – what they do for work, how they got into their favorite hobby, and etc. Jennifer adds that “you don’t have to be feeding all the information. You can just be listening more. The most interesting thing you can be is interested.”
Be sure to check out “Love on the Spectrum – US” on Netflix. It is sincerely the feel-good show of the year.
And follow Jennifer on Instagram @jennifercook_author and check out her website www.jenniferotooleauthor.com.
DEAR DAMONA (40:43)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
(TW: Relationship abuse)
- IG Message from Dee – If I am healing from a 15 year domestic violence relationship, should I be dating or should I be focusing solely on healing properly? FYI, the relationship ended 2 years ago.
**If you or someone you know is facing a domestic violence situation, or if you’ve seen any of the signs that Damona talked about on the show, please call the domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE). You can also text START to 88788.
DAMONA’S DEALS
Seven Year Switch & The Chivalry Sitch
Welcome to the final episode of the Dates & Mates “Summer Encore Series” – and the official LAST episode of Season 9!
You know we love breaking down dating myths and tracking the ways in which dating norms have evolved. That’s why we’re bringing back another episode that’s been locked away for some time – a conversation with Charles J. Orlando on the evolution of chivalry. This was also part of Damona’s “Dating Myths Decoded” Summit, so let’s get ready to do some decoding.
CHARLES J. ORLANDO (1:40)
Charles J. Orlando is an interpersonal relationship dynamics expert and author of five acclaimed books. You may know him from the hit show “Seven Year Switch” on Lifetime, where he was the expert and host (Seasons 2-3). Today he will be breaking down the origins and evolution of chivalry. Plus, he will tell you what to look for on a first date when gauging long term potential.
(2:00) The origins of chivalry.
Charles takes us back a couple of centuries to talk about where chivalry actually comes from. When we think of the term chivalry, images of a damsel in distress or a knight in shining armor often come to mind. But by technical definition, Charles shares that “it actually meant to win sexual favours from a woman via covert action. So it was a way to bullsh*t your way into her pants by pretending to be all that.”
Nowadays, chivalry has to do more with action and “gentlemanly conduct” (a man could even be chivalrous to another man). So why has chivalry fallen by the wayside in the 21st century? Charles gives two clear reasons why…
(6:05) Inspiring our partner to show up.
The role of men has historically been tied to being a provider. And with the introduction of modern day feminism and evolution of the woman’s role in society, the male role of “provider” has become more and more ambiguous. So Damona asks Charles how women can inspire men (or how any partner inspire the other) to show up in more chivalrous ways in a relationship.
Charles comments that gender roles in relationships are more fluid today. He says there is more than one way to provide for your partner in a relationship and lots of ways to share a piece of yourself.
(8:15) Reset your expectations.
Damona revisits her own engagement, and how her husband felt the same societal pressure to be settled in his career before proposing. This is often the hurdle that comes up when women begin to wonder, “why can’t he commit?” If you’re in this situation, remember that your partner’s hesitancy to commit may not be personal. It could be that he doesn’t feel established enough yet to build something new, like a marriage.
Charles points out that this is where expectations come into play – what society expects of us, what we expect of ourselves or our partner. The evolution of chivalry has reset what is expected of men and women in today’s society. So maybe our expectations should have a chance to evolve as well…
(12:50) “All men want to date women who are younger.”
Let’s bust this myth, shall we? This may be true for some men. But if you have been feeling this way as a woman, it’s probably a combination of insecurities and the way you are managing your selection process for dating. Charles spills that “the right guy sees past all of that nonsense, because it doesn’t even come into play. And that has to do with the selection process.”
Even moreso, the dating and selection process has become difficult for everyone with the rise of online dating/dating apps. “We originally met people within our own neighborhood, which means we had some commonality around values and neighborhood activities… you knew what they were all about… Now we’re meeting people from out of our neighborhood because the neighborhood is 7.1 billion people strong.”
(15:50) You complete you.
Speaking of resetting expectations, have you ever heard someone say they want to find their other half? The person that completes them? Well, it’s time for us to let go of that vision. Think about it: you could meet someone that completes you during one phase of your life. But over time, both you and your partner will evolve in ways that neither of you can predict. That is the nature of being human. So if you’re always holding on to someone so tightly as being your other half, you may develop some resentment down the line.
But this doesn’t have to be an inherently sad realization! Letting go of the “other half” expectation helps us to build fuller and more long-lasting relationships that will stand the test of time.
So how do we look for those signs of long-term potential while dating? Charles gives his take on red flags, compatibility, and modern day courtship.
(22:15) A relationship shouldn’t be “work.”
According to Charles, “work is that thing that you do so that you can earn a check, so that you can take that money and do what you’re really passionate about.” Instead, relationships and love take effort. Effort is what you put into the things that you really care about, the things that matter.
Be sure to check out Charles on Instagram @CharlesJOrlando, and you can learn more about his work at CharlesJOrlando.com.
**There is no Dear Damona in this episode. We will continue answering your dating dilemmas during the Season 10 Premiere of Dates & Mates, airing August 23rd.
Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!
Self Love & Dating Motivation
Today I will be sharing an extremely important conversation in as part of our Summer Encore Series.
If you’re listening to this podcast then you’re likely looking for romance or already in love, but there’s another kind of love I want to encourage you to nurture – self love. You may have heard the phrase “you have to love yourself, before you can love someone else”, and it’s true. Being able to understand yourself and being able to take care of yourself will prepare you for a healthier relationship or improve the one you already have.
And that’s why I have author and America’s leading mid-life dating and relationship coach, Jonathan Aslay, joining me today. He will be breaking down the idea of self love and outlining his techniques for mastering the concept.
JONATHON ASLAY (1:55)
(1:55) What the heck is self love anyway?
Jonathon’s book, What the Heck is Self Love Anyway?, works to answer that very question. According to Jonathon, self love is getting to a state of inner peace. But how do we even begin to get to that place?
Jonathon notes that the way we speak to ourselves, and how we speak to others, is crucial for finding that fulfillment. Are you communicating from a sense of negativity or hypercriticism? If so, try to take steps to shift your inner world away from feeling like a victim to your own circumstances, and more towards hopefulness.
(7:40) Learn to lift yourself up.
Damona asks Jonathon what advice he can give listeners to begin lifting themselves out of that negative or dark place. Jonathon explains the two key phrases that helped him on his self love journey. Plus, he gives ideas on some activities you can do to develop more self love (and how to make a self love practice work for YOU).
(10:55) Your body is a machine, not a temple.
One thing that Jonathon emphasizes in his book is that taking care of your body is a big form of self love. So giving your body the nutrients it needs is the easiest way to begin your journey of self love. Additionally, slowing down and paying attention to nature on a daily basis will move you towards connecting with yourself.
(13:10) Shifting your energy.
Damona mentions something she learned in her kids’ yoga class called “the mean bug” – if something happens to you that then causes you to have a bad day, you’ve caught the mean bug. She notes that it’s important to not let the more negative aspects of your day overshadow the good.
Jonathon agrees, adding that we have the power to change our inner narrative if we choose to. In order to take charge of the energy you bring into your dating life, Jonathon recommends always setting an intention beforehand.
(15:25) Your wonderful, weird self.
As a dating coach, Jonathon says that one of the biggest pieces of advice he gives is to embrace what makes you weird or unique. He brings up the classic rom-com When Harry Met Sally, and how Harry ended up falling in love with Sally not because of how polished or perfect she was, but because it took her an hour to order a ham sandwich and that she finds 70 degree weather cold. So it’s not the perfection that people embrace the most, it’s the quirks.
Be sure to check out Jonathon’s book, What The Heck Is Self-Love Anyway, and follow him on Twitter @JonathonAslay.
You can learn more about Jonathon at JonathonAslay.com, and download his free gift for Dates & Mates listeners at jonathonaslay.com/gift.
DEAR DAMONA (19:50)
Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!
**This week’s questions are from the vault. We will continue answering your dating dilemmas during Season 10 of Dates & Mates, airing August 23, 2022.
Master Class: Healthy Communication & The Texting Trap
As you know, we have been opening up the Dates & Mates vault for our special Summer Encore series to bring you incredible conversations from the early days of the podcast or other secret sessions that have been locked away for Damona’s VIP clients only.
The idea of communicating with your matches seems pretty straight forward. But with each of us spending more and more time on our phones and behind our computers, our face to face conversations are beginning to suffer.
And so, today we’ll be sharing Damona’s masterclass on HOW TO COMMUNICATE – including how to avoid the texting trap, and the four keys to healthy communication.
COMMUNICATION MASTERCLASS (1:15)
In this masterclass, Damona will cover topics like:
Is there another topic you would like Damona to cover? Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!
Fuse TV: Sex Sells
Ever wondered what it would be like to go on a 3-way date? Weezy WTF enlists Damona’s help in this episode of Sex Sells – “3’s A Crowd” – to set up a date through OkCupid.
Check out Damona’s thoughts below:
The 4 Factors & Meeting Your Match
Once upon a time, Damona held a special online summit with some of the top love experts in the world that was just for VIPs and subscribers. For over five years, these conversations have been locked away. But today, we’re sharing a very special interview with the amazing matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson.
We don’t have to tell you that finding a match can be difficult. A lot of pieces have to come together: Are you physically attracted to each other? Do you share goals and values? Do you feel heard? Understood?
But what if we told you that these things were actually the second step in the dating process? (Say whaaat?!) How can there be a step before I even meet someone? Well sit tight, because Paul Carrick Bronson, of Married at First Sight UK, will share his Top 4 Factors when it comes to meeting your match.
**A quick note: At the top of this interview, I mention that I want Paul to share his expertise to help women find their match, but I want to emphasize that the knowledge he is about to share is valuable to people of all genders and orientations. Enjoy!
PAUL CARRICK BRUNSON (2:20)
Paul is a matchmaker, television host, columnist, and host of the podcast, “Better with Paul” where he shares his journey in business, life, and love. He has also appeared as a consultant on Married at First Sight UK, Celebs Go Dating, and as a correspondent on Good Morning America.
(3:00) Factor #1: You just gotta believe.
Paul’s first factor in being able to find your perfect match is belief. Paul believes that what you believe you truly do conceive, which is why cultivating a mindset that is open and optimistic to finding love is so important, and will lead you to success. And in this case, success doesn’t have to mean finding a partner or getting married. Success can just mean that you start to enjoy dating.
Plus, Paul shares a crucial suggestion on how we can empower ourselves to reshape our own belief systems. (Hint: it may involve raising your standards.)
(8:28) Factor #2: Find a love mentor.
The second factor Paul shares is self love. Or, as he defines it, feeling like you could become your ultimate self. “You truly can’t love anyone more than your willingness to love yourself.”
Paul also touches on the difference between self esteem and self love. He says that you can have self esteem in one area of your life, such as your career or health, but this doesn’t necessarily equate to self love. “If any areas [of your life] are lacking and you don’t believe you can become your optimal self in any one of those areas, then you don’t unconditionally love yourself. Because unconditional self love is the aggregate of all of those areas.”
So what steps can we take to create more self love? Paul recommends identifying someone who can be your love mentor, who shares your values and lives their life in a way that inspires you. The second thing he recommends is evaluating each individual section of your life (family, career, health, spirituality, etc) and ask yourself, “do I feel like I’m on the pathway to becoming my best self in each of these categories?” If the answer is no in any category, then start to examine what is the roadblock preventing you from becoming your optimal self in that category.
(16:50) Factor #3: Physically attractive vs physical attraction.
Physical attraction may seem like a more superficial requirement in finding a partner. But Paul states that over his 15 years of consulting, the data very clearly shows that if there is not a minimal level of physical attraction early in the relationship (i.e. within the first two hours of meeting someone), chances are nothing else will matter.
Paul goes on to clarify the difference between physical attraction and being physically attractive. Being physically attractive is based on a lot of objective factors – facial symmetry, how much they remind us of our parents, the cadence of their voice, and scent (and we’re talking pheromones, not Old Spice). But having physical attraction to someone isn’t something we can decide on, it’s something that just is.
Plus, Paul gives Damona the two questions you should ask yourself to determine if you should go on a second date.
(22:40) Factor #4: Your values are the rulebook to your life.
Paul’s fourth and final factor for finding your perfect match is having shared values. (Sound familiar?) Paul sees our values as being the rulebook to our life. And if someone can’t live by the rules of your life or you theirs – meaning you have very few shared values – how are you going to fit into each other’s lives?
Additionally, Paul says that your values are never what you say they are. Your values are your actions. They can only be evaluated by how your actions are reflected back to you from the people in your life.
You can learn more about Paul by visiting his website paulcbrunson.com, AND you can follow him on Instagram @PaulCBrunson.
**There is no Dear Damona in this episode. We will continue answering your dating dilemmas during Season 10 of Dates & Mates, airing August 23.
Access Hollywood: Huma Abedin & Bradley Cooper
Damona joins Access Hollywood to talk about Hollywood’s newest couple – former White House staffer Huma Abedin and Bradley Cooper. Some people have been confused by this pairing, but Damona reminds us of another political-celebrity couple that people didn’t think would last.
Watch the clip below to find out who!
Couples Therapy & Texting Decoded
Here on Dates & Mates, we like to cover topics for every type of listener. Whether you’re single, wanting to move into a long term relationship, or someone who’s already found the one and wants to stay on track – we’re here to help.
That’s why all summer long, Damona is opening up the Dates & Mates vault to bring you incredible conversations from the early days of the podcast or other secret sessions that have been locked away for VIP clients only.
For today’s installment of our Summer Encore Series, we’re revealing an interview with Dr. Jenn Mann. You probably know her as the host and therapist for VH1’s long-standing hit shows Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn and Family Therapy with Dr. Jenn. She will share her techniques for improving your relationship through communication and conflict management.
DATING DISH W/ DR. JENN MANN (2:00)
(2:00) What your boyfriend’s texts really mean.
Inspired by an Elite Daily article from 2019, Damona and Dr. Jenn get into the anxiety surrounding text frequency and what it really means if your partner doesn’t respond right away. Hint: Dr. Jenn believes that consistent communication is good, but it doesn’t have to be responding in five minutes.
D and Dr. J also discuss something called “status grounding” and how it can help take the pressure off of communicating with your partner.
(5:05) What makes people fall out of love?
Do y’all know the four biggest predictors of divorce? According to Dr. Jenn, the Gottman Institute nicknames these four factors “The Four Horsemen” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. Jenn goes into each of these factors, and clarifies the line between feedback and criticism
Hot tip: Anytime you can frame something as a request rather than a criticism, you’ll avoid any potential defensiveness and keep your path of communication open.
JENN MANN (10:14)
Dr. Jenn Mann can be infamously seen as the host and therapist for VH1’s long-standing hit shows Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn and Family Therapy with Dr. Jenn.
She has appeared as a guest expert on hundreds of other shows including: The Today Show, The Early Show, Dr. Oz, Wendy Williams, The Doctors, and more! And she is the author of The Relationship Fix, which spent 5 weeks on the bestseller list.
(11:20) Conflict is an opportunity for growth.
Not only is conflict a significant opportunity for growth, it’s a chance to practice communicating in a healthy and effective way that will ultimately bring you and your partner closer. Dr. Jenn notes that one of the keys to taking advantage of this is to fight fairly (i.e. don’t raise your voice, no name calling or blaming).
Dr. Jenn also details the Four R’s for an effective apology – remorse, room, respect, & responsibility.
(14:53) Can couples rebuild after infidelity?
If you’ve been a long-time listener of the podcast, you know how many times Damona has gotten questions about infidelity. Particularly, is it possible to get past cheating? And are there things we can do to prevent a partner from cheating?
Much like the factors of an effective apology, Dr. Jenn says that remorse is key to building back trust after infidelity. The partner who cheated has to be able to recognize the ways in which they hurt the other partner, and voice that recognition.
If you have been cheated on and you choose to stay with your partner, remember that things are inevitably going to trigger you. Dr. Jenn encourages building enough trust and communication where you are able to openly voice your insecurities.
(19:45) How does your childhood trauma affect your attachment style?
Dr. Jenn brings us some new takes on attachment styles. As y’all probably know, the first three years of life are when we form our foundation for attachment. These years also inform our impression of the world as either being a safe or unsafe place (i.e. how much your needs were met as a kid).
In terms of adult attachment, Dr. Jenn says that we tend to anticipate whatever relationship dynamics we grew up with in our romantic ones. She adds that we will sometimes even pick partners that reinforce the stories we tell ourselves about how we were raised. Dr Jenn explains, “Our unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between past, present and future. It’s always trying to heal old wounds and current time.”
Check out more of Dr. Jenn’s advice in her book, The Relationship Fix. And be sure to follow Dr. Jenn on IG, Twitter and Facebook @drjennmann.
DEAR DAMONA (24:50)
Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!
NPR: Crushes & What to Do About Them
I never know what to do when I have a crush on someone. Should I let them know how I feel? Or ignore my feelings until they fade away? How am I supposed to pay my taxes when I get butterflies in my stomach every time my phone buzzes? Why do we even get crushes?
“We get crushes because they are hardwired into our biology,” says Damona Hoffman, a certified dating coach and host of The Dates & Mates Podcast. “We are designed to want to connect, to mate and relate, and that starts from a very young age.”
Not only that, Hoffman says, crushes can get stronger as we age, “because your needs are greater.”
Depending on the situation, acting on a crush can be a good, healthy step – or it can create a lot more trouble than it needs to. Hoffman walks us through how to deal with a crush in four common scenarios.
Check out the rest of the article here!
Date Lab: The Playlist Didn’t Match the Vibe
“After gaining a bit of liquid courage from a White Claw, Conner House, 29, walked over to San Lorenzo Italian restaurant on Ninth Street NW and looked around for his date, Diego Sanchez, 24. His first impression was that Diego looked cute. Conner also picked up on an accent and was intrigued. He complimented Diego’s classic white Reeboks, and they went off to take pictures.
Diego, who works in technology sales, admits he is not camera shy, so he was happy to take photos, even though it was awkward to pose with a stranger. At least in Diego’s description, this stranger was ‘well dressed,’ which he values in a match.”
How did the rest of the night go? Click here to find out!
Married at First Sight & Can Cheaters Change
Welcome to another episode in the Dates & Mates Summer Encore Series!
In case you missed it, we are opening up the vault on some of Damona’s favorite past episodes of Dates & Mates. These are conversations that were previously only available to VIPs and select clients… but they were just TOO HOT to stay hidden away this summer.
This is a particularly special episode as you’ll be hearing from the show’s former co-host Ray Christian, who offered a male perspective on dating for 2 amazing years of Dates & Mates, in addition to today’s guest.
Being in a long term relationship, we see our partners and ourselves grow and change, our needs and goals shift, and the dynamics of our bonds evolve. It’s a good thing! It’s part of the process, but it can be tricky. That’s why Dr. Pepper Schwartz is joining us today, the only expert to appear on all 15 seasons of Married at First Sight. She will be explaining the importance of the “relationship check-in”’ and outlining key topics to cover in that conversation.
PEPPER SCHWARTZ (1:45)
Dr. Pepper Schwartz is an esteemed researcher and author of over 25 books. Two of those books, American Couples and The Normal Bar: The Surprising Secrets of Happy Couples, have been on the NYT’s bestseller list and on a little show called Oprah.
She is currently teaching at the University of Washington in Seattle. And, she is AARP’s first Love & Relationship and Ambassador. And lastly, she is one of the stars of the hit TV series Married at First Sight.
(2:51) The importance of the “relationship check-in.”
What are the benchmarks that we should look for to know that our relationship is on the right track? And what things should we be doing to make sure we keep things in our relationship spicy (or “peppery” in this case)?
Dr. Pepper Schwartz weighs in, with a surprising stat about holding hands.
(9:00) Lubricants, moisturizers, and toys – oh my!
Damona asks Dr. Schwartz for advice on pain during sex. If you’re experiencing sharp pains during intimacy, then definitely hit up your doctor. But if what you’re feeling is a milder discomfort, Dr. Schwartz says this is nothing a little lubricant or moisturizer can’t fix. Plus, she shares the crucial difference between lube and moisturizer.
As for the guys, Dr. Schwartz shares some words of wisdom for how to work with sex toys in the bedroom (hint: a toy isn’t your competition, it’s your colleague).
(12:30) Intimacy in your 20s vs 30’s.
Dr. Schwartz has learned a lot about couples through her 15 years on Married At First Sight, some of it good and some cautionary. The good? That you can never assume how mature someone is by how old they are. And the cautionary? Dr. Schwartz notes the times she’s been shocked at the kinds of things people will say to each other when in conflict.
(16:14) Can sexual chemistry be built?
Damona’s co-host Ray asks a question for the ages – is there really no hope for someone if y’all don’t vibe in the bedroom? Dr. Schwartz says that building sexual chemistry with someone can be difficult, but not impossible.
For some people, having a restricted sexual vocabulary (i.e. how we think intimacy is supposed to happen, what we’re open to, our sexual triggers) can keep you from being able to adjust to your partners. But stay open to how that person makes you feel emotionally, and it just might enhance your chemistry in the bedroom.
You can find more hot takes from Dr. Pepper Schwartz at her website https://pepperschwartz.com/ and on Lifetime’s Married At First Sight.
DEAR DAMONA (19:10)
Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!
Master Class: First Dates
If you’ve been a long-time listener of Dates & Mates, then ya’ll know how many topics Damona has covered over the past 400 episodes. But if you only see 100 episodes available right now, you’re not having a heat stroke. The remaining episodes have been locked away for VIPs and clients only… until today.
For the next month and a half, we’ll be reaching into the vault and shelling out the very best for you, in our Summer Encore Series! You’ll be hearing a mix of mini master classes and interviews that are making their comeback on Dates & Mates.
As for today’s episode… Getting through the matching process and screening process seems tough, but a lot of people worry most about the preparation process. So we’re kicking this series off with a masterclass on first dates.
Keep in mind that Covid is still a thing, so please take that into consideration when listening to this episode’s suggestions.
P.S. If you need more insights on dating safely in pandemic times, you can refer back to Damona’s recent Dating Health Update with Dr. James after listening to this episode.
FIRST DATES MASTERCLASS (2:46)
In this masterclass, Damona will cover topics like:
Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!
DAMONA’S DEALS
Love on the Spectrum & Singles Parties
While we are each unique in our biology and our upbringing, there is typically one thing we all seek, one of our basic needs… love. The thing is, there is no “general education” when it comes to dating and relationships. Sure, most of us get the sex talk. But what about the empathy or communication talk?
That’s why we’ve got Jennifer Cook, the expert of Damona’s favorite Netflix show, “Love on the Spectrum,” joining us today. She will be shedding light on the not-so-obvious social rules of dating. She’ll also be sharing what it’s like dating with autism or dating someone who is on the spectrum.
DATING DISH (1:36)
The rise of singles parties – is this the new way to find love?:
According to Yahoo News, there is a major vibe shift happening in favor of singles parties. New research from the global dating app Inner Circle shows that pre-lockdown, three quarters of singles wanted to meet people in real life. But that definitely didn’t include singles parties, since 4/10 refused to attend one. But now, 87% of singles think it’s more socially acceptable to meet someone at a singles party than it was before the pandemic.
Of the singles that Inner Circle surveyed, people have become more open to the idea of singles parties either because it’s a fun night out, because they know everyone there is looking for a match, or because they believe it’s the closest thing to meeting someone “in real life.” And not only are the attitudes towards these parties changing, the parties themselves have been leveling up – think outrageous quiz nights, burlesque shows, museum tours, night cycling, and more.
So here are the article’s tips on how to set yourself up for singles-party success, plus Damona’s personal take:
If you want more dating help from me, my Free Profile Starter Kit will help you refresh your dating profile and get on your way to more dates. It’s not going to be free forever, so download yours HERE!
JENNIFER COOK (9:22)
Jennifer Cook is an autism advocate, speaker, author and the on-camera Autism Expert in Netflix’s internationally-celebrated series, “Love on the Spectrum – US.”
She is the author of 9 bestselling books including Autism in Heels and the creator of Belong, where people can gain community and learn more of Jennifer’s expertise. Her personal story has been featured in The New York Post, The Guardian, BBC World Service, NPR.
(10:02) The rules you should just know:
As dating coaches, both Jennifer and Damona know the ways in which we can all feel bewildered by dating etiquette and the rules it seems we should all just know. From this expectation, we tend to make a ton of assumptions about the rules that we commit to and operate from. Being a dating specialist for individuals on the spectrum, Jennifer knows that this challenge is one that lies on a human spectrum. “One of the things I’ll say frequently is that nothing that I teach, nothing that I suggest, nothing that I talk about, is exclusive to people who are on the autism spectrum. Because life with autism is just life with the volume turned up in some ways, but it’s just life.”
Jennifer continues that “that which is intuited by neurotypical people isn’t often by neurodivergent people. And so there has to be a lot more intellectualizing, a lot more explicit teaching, that goes into just ordinary social situations.”
(13:01) A mid-life diagnosis:
Part of what is unique about Jennifer’s career in helping people navigate living with autism, is that Jennifer herself didn’t receive a diagnosis until much later in life… at 35 years old, to be exact. “You know, I was really just told my whole life that I was too smart for my own good, which doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense to me. Some people with autism struggle very much with language… I mean, I make my living with words writing and speaking. So when that’s your area of savant then it’s often unrecognized, especially among girls and women.”
After being told that she is on the spectrum, Jennifer was able to recognize all the instances in her childhood and young adulthood in which the diagnosis totally made sense (like always feeling more comfortable around adults and always wanting to be teacher’s pet).
Jennifer had kind of remained a social dud, up until one fateful school musical. Her high school drama department was doing a production of the musical Damn Yankees, and Jennifer had been cast as the fiery Gwen Verdon role, Lola. At one point, Lola has a big number titled “Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets” complete with a full-on strip-tease. “Well, at 15, I was doing a striptease on stage for three nights in a row. And that will change your social life overnight… Then I was really thrust into a situation where suddenly I was ‘socially successful.’ But I was having to mimic and copy.”
Jennifer’s newfound popularity and mastery of mimicking social cues literally got her the nickname Flirt. But she warns that being really good at copying social cues can get you into a lot of trouble if you don’t understand the intentions behind them. “If you’re not really sure what signals you’re sending out… you learn to be so good at something that you don’t understand the power of, and flirting is powerful stuff… And so, you know, it’s, it’s something that I’ve learned to teach with a whole lot of care.”
(16:55) A conversation is a game of catch:
In one coaching session on Love on the Spectrum US, Jennifer was teaching charming and princess-obsessed Abby the social cues for having a conversation. Plain and simple. In this exercise, Jennifer decided to use ping pong balls as a physical representation of how a conversation should feel, rolling the balls back and forth with ease and equal participation. Jennifer also used the balls to show Abby what it’s like to only ask questions or only be the receiver of questions, rolling multiple balls her way without a moment to recuperate.
“A lot of times I say, for folks on the spectrum, that our minds will be interchangeable from moment to moment, like fireflies. And in that case, Abby was very much in firefly mode… I knew that if she was going to be able to find a way to have any kind of conversation with anybody that wasn’t just one liners and like you said, like an interview, right? Then we were gonna have to ground her thinking in something concrete.”
Jennifer wants her clients to become comfortable with flexible communication – in her words, it’s like being either cooked spaghetti or uncooked spaghetti. Rigid thinking is like being uncooked spaghetti, but with a little warmth and time, you can get all flexible and then your thinking softens. Damona adds, “I hope for anyone listening, they really feel empowered that you don’t have to be like a victim in a conversation… you always have the ability to shift the topic or move with the conversation.” And that is flexible communication, my friends!
(24:08) Neurodivergent vs. neurotypical:
You may not know this, but Damona herself has a neurodiverse child! Specifically, with sensory processing disorder. Damona explains, “I’m still learning about what that means and how we make modifications. But sometimes the environment that [these people] find themselves in can impact their behavior. So if it’s too loud in a room, or if they’re wearing clothes that feel uncomfortable, they can’t really be themselves.”
Jennifer further defines “neurodivergent” as disorders like ADD, ADHD, nonverbal learning disorder, and more. Aka, all the D’s. And if you don’t fall under this umbrella of disorders (or differences, as Jennifer prefers), then you are most likely neurotypical.
Although sensory processing disorder is its own thing, Jennifer notes that sensory experiences are at the core of every human being’s basic experience. “If what our senses are telling us isn’t good, then nothing else – no higher order thinking experiences, no rational thinking, no logical thinking, no cooperative thinking, no learning, no emotional balance – can happen when your sensory systems are offline.”
Weirdly enough, you can calm your dating nerves in the same way you calm down sensory overload! Jennifer suggests drinking a very thick drink (like a milkshake or a smoothie) through a straw, because the sucking motion helps to stall your senses. Another one you may have heard of is chewing multiple pieces of gum or gum with a really strong flavor. This chewing motion then sends a signal to your brain which is read as a massage sensation, so your brain tells your body that it’s okay to calm down.
(28:51) Tone markers:
Damona asks for Jennifer’s thoughts on text conversations – with both tone and facial cues being absent from texting, does Jennifer have any advice on communicating better in the digital space?
Jennifer immediately brings up something called tone markers. These are basically abbreviations that can be sent along with your text to indicate your intentions. For instance, SRS tells the recipient that you’re being serious. Here is a larger list of tone markers and some info on why they’re important.
Additionally, Jennifer remarks that mind blindness is another obstacle in allowing people on the spectrum to understand social cues. “[Mind blindness is] an inability to naturally take somebody else’s perspective, right? We don’t naturally step into someone else’s shoes. That’s why a lot of times, especially for younger people [or those who] haven’t learned really good social skills growing up, why it can seem that somebody is not caring and not empathetic, which is like the biggest complete lie about people on the spectrum. We can be among the most caring, compassionate people you’re ever going to meet, to the point of emotional pain. But we have to be taught from situation to situation.”
(35:56) The most interesting thing you can be is interested:
So are there any other good communication practices that can keep us from making misguided assumptions (like around texting)? Neurodivergent or not, Jennifer believes one of the best things you can do in dating is to just be clear and honest. “If we are putting ourselves out there and somebody else is putting themselves out there, be present. Have the kindness and the decency really to be forthright about how you’re feeling.”
One communication technique that Jennifer often uses (and teaches in Love on the Spectrum) is to use the phrase “tell me more.” As mentioned in this episode’s Dating Dish, having your conversation icebreakers on hand is always a good idea and will save you in moments of panic. But if you feel like you’ve hit another roadblock in a conversation, you can always ask the other person to tell you more about something they’ve mentioned – what they do for work, how they got into their favorite hobby, and etc. Jennifer adds that “you don’t have to be feeding all the information. You can just be listening more. The most interesting thing you can be is interested.”
Be sure to check out “Love on the Spectrum – US” on Netflix. It is sincerely the feel-good show of the year.
And follow Jennifer on Instagram @jennifercook_author and check out her website www.jenniferotooleauthor.com.
DEAR DAMONA (40:43)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
(TW: Relationship abuse)
**If you or someone you know is facing a domestic violence situation, or if you’ve seen any of the signs that Damona talked about on the show, please call the domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (1-800-799-SAFE). You can also text START to 88788.
DAMONA’S DEALS