You know, I am always telling you guys that you have to be your true self when dating and in relationships, but how often do you find yourself wondering just how to do that?
Our guest today is Certified Hypnotist, Marriage & Manifestation Coach Beth Miller. She is here to teach you how to get in touch with your most authentic self through guided reflection and a technique called hypno-journeying.
DATING DISH (1:40)
(1:40) A cheat code for more likes?: A TikTok and Tinder user named Minnie recently posted a TikTok, describing how she noticed one particular pose coming up over and over again in dating app pics. The guys using these pics had a few things in common. Firstly, they were all 25 to 36 years old. Secondly, they were all using one common pose – standing tall with their arms out making an X, almost always in nature.
Now whether these men are being instructed to do this or this is happening naturally, one thing is for sure. Making your body bigger, forces your heart to work harder, which results in elevated mood and increased confidence. They call it power posing. This is a great way to really stand out, to show that you are confident and not afraid to take up space.
This brings up a key point, which is that you have to be strategic to attract attention on a dating app. This is why I talk about the Three C’s – color, context and character.
Hot tip: our eyes are conditioned to stop when we see the color red and pay attention. So, when I talk about color, it isn’t just about finding a color that looks good on you, it’s about grabbing the attention of your potential partners.
On to context. Taking the X pose in nature says you’re adventurous, outdoorsy, or maybe that you like a challenge. The other thing you do when you take that X pose is you show your confidence. It shows your personality. That’s the character part of the Three C’s.
I am not going to tell you to take the power pose in nature, but I do challenge you to explore poses that really convey your three C’s. You may even see a spike in your matches.
(5:20) The Tinder Swindler
If you haven’t had a chance to watch ‘The Tinder Swindler’ yet, don’t worry – no major spoilers ahead.
I wasn’t going to talk about this here. I really don’t like talking about negative online dating stories because people tend to think they are indicative of the whole experience. But despite all the hype around Simon Leviev (the Swindler himself), swindlers have been out there since the dawn of time.
(7:30) Here are some of the flashing red warning signs I saw from the Tinder Swindler:
- Simon used his IG account like a dating profile. Simon Leviev’s Tinder and Instagram profiles portrayed him as having this over-the-top, lavish lifestyle. He also took the time to build up an Instagram following of about 100,000 followers. But what you’re seeing on Instagram can be so easily fabricated. He created an image of himself that not only seemed legit, but larger than life. Keep an eye out for profiles like this.
- He asked to move to WhatsApp immediately. A lot of the swindlers do use WhatsApp, because it allows them to communicate freely from various countries in various locations. It’s also useful to scammers, since the dating app can no longer track your communication.
- He said he was only in town for one night, and wanted to meet for coffee right away. That urgency is another red flag.
- The connection seemed too good to be true. Now of course, feeling a strong connection with someone right away is not inherently suspicious. But the difference with Simon, is he asked this girl to come on his private jet for a business trip RIGHT AFTER their coffee date. This is a huge red flag.
- He started asking for financial loans a month or so into dating. No one that you are dating for a short amount of time should be having you take out loans for them, sending them money, making any wire transfers, going on payroll for their company – any of these things are big red flags.
BETH MILLER (15:25)
Beth Miller is a Certified Hypnotist, Marriage & Manifestation Coach, who supports folks in fixing their relationships.
Beth is also the founder of Soulify Method, a 12 week program which works with the plasticity of the brain to help women transform their lives and marriages.
She has been featured in The London Free Press, CTV News, and Macleans Magazine. Beth is here to remind us of who we truly are, so we can show up fully when dating and in our relationships.
(16:06) How hypnotherapy actually works:
So, what the heck is hypnotherapy anyway? Beth gives us the deets. “It’s this incredible therapy that allows you to get into your subconscious mind.” First, you are guided into a deeply relaxed state – the Theta brainwave state. Once you’re there, the hypnotherapist can reach the parts of your mind where all your memories, thoughts, and beliefs are stored, and bring everything forward to your conscious brain.
By consciously accessing these thoughts, you can help to parent yourself and process the painful memories and trauma that live in your body. Beth also mentions that contrary to the more classic image of hypnotherapy in movies and TV, the subject is 100% completely in control of everything that happens. So, if the hypnotherapist were to tell you to rob a bank, you won’t unless you truly believe that is something you want to do.
(19:08) Our inner child creates who we are today:
A large part of hypnotherapy is diving deep into your relationship with your inner child. When you go into that Theta state and find your inner child, you can figure out what beliefs have been holding you back your whole life.
Beth clarifies that your inner child is made up of your playful aspects, and your wounded aspects. This can include any major traumas, or something as simple as being laughed at for getting an answer wrong in school.
Beth remarks how you can also reach aspects of your inner child through a meditative state. This is where your Alpha brain waves reside – where you are so present and still, that anything concerning the past or the future melts away.
She also recommends journaling as a way to reach this meditative state. “The point is, that at any age, you have the capacity to rewire your thinking” – and working with your inner child can help.
(23:57) You are 50% of the solution:
Now we can do all the personal growth and hypnotherapy we want, but can you still shift in your relationship if you’re the only one that’s doing this kind of work?
Beth tells her clients that you can most definitely change your relationship in this situation, because you are 50% of the solution.
So often in relationship dynamics, we end up surrendering our power – we think to ourselves “if he would only change, if he would talk nicer to me, if he would give me more hugs, if you would help out more.” But if you can embrace the change you can create in your half of the relationship, this is a sure step towards changing your relationship as a whole.
On the other hand, if it’s clear that your partner isn’t trying to pull their 50%, this may be a clear sign that that’s not the relationship for you. “But I think almost 100% of the time, your partner is just mirroring to you things that you need to work on.”
Beth gives an example – you go on a date, and your partner wants to have a third beer. Your reaction follows with “why are you having a third beer? That’s so expensive.” That’s showing you that maybe you feel the pressure to save more money. Then you can ask yourself where this pressure is coming from, and dive deeper into that emotion.
(28:50) Step into your triggers:
In one of her recent blog posts, Beth talks about noticing and leaning into the moments when you feel triggered. A trigger is any kind of unwanted or uncomfortable emotion – think emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, shame, embarrassment. “Triggers are this massive clue into areas within yourself… When triggers come up, we have to celebrate because your body is speaking to you. It’s telling you ‘I need to be seen, I need to be heard.’”
Beth suggests picking one of your emotional triggers, and getting really curious about it. When we remain curious and withhold judgment, it allows us the safety we need to go into the trigger and explore it.
Here’s an example. Beth has a client whose husband is extremely messy. He leaves his dishes everywhere, he plays video games at night and she will wake up to like wrappers all over the place. Beth explains that as a child, this client was told you need to have a clean house. So when she’s in an environment that doesn’t seem like it’s in control, she gets this out of control feeling within her. So by exploring this trigger, she learned that it’s not really about her husband being a slob – it’s about her environment.
(30:45) Building a solid foundation:
Beth remarks that when you go into the relationship pool, you don’t want to find your better half. You want to go into the pool ready to find a partner who you won’t be triggered by. When you take the time to do the inner work, your relationships won’t result in arguments, you won’t feel unloved, you won’t feel unheard, and you won’t feel unseen, just because you love yourself.
You will also build a larger capacity to see the bigger picture behind other people’s triggers, and approach them with kindness and understanding. All in all, hypnotherapy can be a great tool in helping us do the inner work to free ourselves of harmful emotions.
Check out Beth’s program, Soulify Method, at https://soulifywellness.com/.
DEAR DAMONA (34:08)
- IG Message from K – Hi Damona! I met a guy online. We’ve chatted every day for a few weeks online and via text and phone with my google voice number. As we started to get more comfortable with one another, we wanted to FaceTime so I gave him my real number. The day I gave him my number his online profile disappeared. I asked what happened to his profile and he completely ghosted me. Does that mean he was hiding something? Am I overthinking it or was he just uninterested? I can’t wrap my brain around the whole thing. This has completely turned me away from online dating. Any advice from the expert would help! XOXO
- Text from Miss M – Hi Damona! I’m a 42 year-old bi female. I’ve been listening to your show for a couple years & I love all of your straightforward dating advice. Regarding being authentic & accepting of insecurities (such as losing weight or missing back teeth or not wanting kids etc), how would someone with financial insecurities approach online dating? I’m 80K in debt, most of it is student loans. I’m ashamed of my debt and don’t want potential partners to know about it. For context, I have a great stable job at a university but live in a city with a ridiculous cost of living. I pay all my bills & rent on time. I just have this monkey on my back that I can’t seem to shake & it prevents me from buying a house. I’m curious to hear what you think? When is it appropriate to reveal my financial situation to someone I’m dating? I imagine because of the pandemic there’s a lot of people who have lost their jobs & are on a tight budget like me or are facing financial crisis & are ashamed. How do we find love too? Thanks Damona!!
Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
Try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit at DatesandMates.com