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Addicted to Drama & I Can Fix Him

Have you ever caught yourself rehearsing arguments in your mind before they’ve even happened? Or riding an emotional roller coaster day in and day out? Is forgiveness feeling like an uphill battle?

Could it be that you’re addicted to drama? It’s a tough question, but fear not, because our esteemed guest, and new BFF, Doctor Scott Lyons, has the answers. He’s done the legwork, folks, and he’s here to unpack his enlightening book, “Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others.”

But before we dive into that, we’ve got a delectable Dating Dish for you: HuffPost serves up insights on why we’re prone to trying to fix our partners and what we should do instead.

And, of course, we can’t overlook our Dear Damona question of the week: “How can I attract more culturally open matches?”

We don’t know about you, but we’re positively thrilled about this week’s episode! So, without further ado, let’s dive right in and start dishing!

DATING DISH (1:36)

A recent HuffPost article addressed a pressing question: Why Do We Try To ‘Fix’ People In Our Relationships? They kick off with a nod to Taylor Swift’s iconic line, “I Can Fix Him (No, Really I Can).”

But can you? And should you? We’ve all felt that pull to rescue our partners at some point. But why? Maybe it’s the feel-good factor of helping someone out. Or perhaps it’s about grasping a sense of control in a chaotic world. But here’s the kicker: our well-meaning efforts can sometimes do more harm than good. It’s a slippery slope, folks. What starts as noble intent can quickly morph into something unhealthy – hello, codependency

To learn more about codependent relationships, tune into one our favorite past episodes on the topic with Kylie McBeth and Mark Groves: Codependent Patterns & Are We Dating The Same Guy

9:52 Dr. Scott Lyons

Dr. Scott Lyons is a licensed psychologist, educator, and author of the best-selling book “Addicted to Drama Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others”. He is the host of the Gently Used Human Podcast, a delightfully delightful exploration of what it is to be human, and also a renowned body-based trauma expert and mind-body medicine specialist.

13:32 The Drama Lure

We’ve all been there – caught up in the whirlwind of emotional highs and lows that drama brings into our lives. But why are we drawn to drama in the first place? Dr. Scott starts off with a fascinating explanation of the psychological underpinnings of this addiction. He shares that, for some, drama can provide a sense of excitement and intensity that may be lacking in other areas of their lives. It’s a temporary escape that can make us feel alive.

14:14 How Do I Know if I am a Drama Addict?

Of course, Dr. Scott has a quiz to take to see the signs that someone might be addicted to drama in his book “Addicted to Drama Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others”. He mentioned behaviors such as constantly seeking out conflict, overreacting to minor issues, and thriving on the chaos that drama creates. It was a moment of self-reflection for many of us as we considered whether these patterns resonated with our own experiences.

18:09 Relationship Ripples

Dr. Scott made it clear that an addiction to drama can have profound effects on our relationships: “We’re not looking for relationships. We’re attached to the action of getting there.” He pointed out that when we’re addicted to drama, we often create unnecessary conflict, leading to a cycle of emotional turmoil and instability. This can strain even the strongest of bonds and leave us feeling disconnected from our partners.

39:30 Growth Beyond the Chaos

How do we break free from the grip of drama addiction? Dr. Scott provides practical advice and strategies for reducing drama in our lives. He emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and nurturing inner peace. It’s about finding equilibrium and learning to appreciate the tranquility as much as the chaos.

Dr. Scott shares insight into five key milestones for healing from drama addiction. Drawing from the experience of someone who has successfully overcome this addiction, Dr. Scott highlights the shift from using stress as a social adhesive to cultivating a sense of belonging and connection with others without relying on chaos and drama to fulfill that need.

Want to know about Dr. Scott Lyons? Follow him on Instagram @DrScottLyons and grab your copy of Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis & Chaos In Yourself & Others today!

46:58 Dear Damona

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Text from Angelo:

Hi, Damona. First off, thank you for your wonderful book. I enjoyed reading it and took some very valuable things away. I have a question for you. I’m a very culturally mixed person. I grew up with parents from opposite sides of the globe. I’m finding that in the dating world, I’m often defined by being mixed in communities I’m part of. I’ve gone on first dates where things go well, we keep talking, and right before our scheduled second date, it’s postponed or canceled. And eventually, I get a text saying I’m looking for someone more X or you’re 2XX being one element of my heritage, or even I prefer tall and white. How do I keep attracting those who can’t see past heritage?

His Move & Love After 50 – Dear Damona

There’s been A LOT of talk this year about dating burnout and swipe fatigue. And while we know that the frustration is real, the ultimate takeaway is people are STILL dating or else they wouldn’t have the experiences to complain about.

So what if we reframe our dating troubles and see them as learning opportunities? What dating doors might open for you then? What power could you snatch back from the jaws of dating apps, or ghosting, or other forms of fatigue or burnout?It’s time to hop back in the driver’s seat of your dating life and that’s exactly why we’re serving up an extra-special “all Dear Damona” episode today!

Dear Damona (2:25)

3:00 Text from A

Is it generally a good idea not to message someone on the app if the last message was sent by me, meaning it’s now his move? I matched with someone last weekend. He expressed that he was extremely interested in getting to know me and that I seemed to have the strong character he’s looking for in a partner.

Side note: I don’t have a bio written yet. I’m new to this, and yes, I will put up a bio soon. So he was making this call, but my strength of character was purely on my photos, basic info, and interests. I thanked him for the compliment, then directly asked him, with so little to go on, what had given him a sense of my character; he explained that having practiced medicine for so many years, he learned to read people and look for cues that others might not see. He’s not wrong. I am all those things. But let’s just say I was cautiously impressed but also suspicious by his observations. I asked him a little about his work, which he answered without hesitation. And then, after my last two messages, which confirmed what he’d explained, he didn’t message back. That was three days ago. Should I assume that this thing has already fallen flat on its face? Before we even had a chance to meet? My friend told me to wait, and he probably gets hit on by a million nurses, so I should be the cool one.

11:53 Email from Gary

Hi, Damona, I enjoyed your conversation on NPR. I started dating after healing from a relationship, but I struggle to manage and set expectations for potential partners. Could you please shed some light on this scenario and provide advice?

17:13 Instagram DM from Vernee

Dear Damona, I’m curious about dating up. I have habitually dated men who made less than me because it didn’t matter to me, and often, in these relationships, I found myself taking care of them in ways that they could not reciprocate.

Anyway, I’m fresh off of a breakup. Oof! Long story. Incoming. But the week before the breakup, my ex-boyfriend asked me how much money I made. He had previously told me what he had made a few times, and I never felt the need to share, but we had plans to move in together, so I didn’t see the harm at this point. I told him how much I make. He seemed a bit surprised, and he said, “Oh, you make comfortably more than me.” I said, yes, I do. I think it’s possible that he felt some type of way about that from an ego standpoint. Many men still carry that provider thing, and I’d like to be taken out sometimes or suggest places where we can split the bill or buy our own tickets to a nice event. I’m not asking to be spoiled, and I believe in sharing costs, but what can we do when they make less than you and have poor money management? My ex would pay for some of our meals out, but I’m pretty sure most of that went onto credit cards that his parents would pay for.

And then, after a year together, my ex told me that he wasn’t in love with me, even though all of his behavior said otherwise. So I told him goodbye. I know I’m not the only woman to go through this. My heart can’t handle any more fixer-upper men. Where did all the grown men go? So many of us are stuck with Peter Pan on one level or another.

27:50 Text from Tasha

Dear Damona, I love your story. I just recently discovered your podcast. Have you helped many singles in their 50s? I am 54 and just really am wondering if it’s too late. Isn’t it more difficult to find love after 50?

Send Us YOUR Questions (33:04)

Don’t be shy! If you’ve got a burning question about love, dating, or relationships! You can reach out on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or even give us a ring or text us at 424-246-6255. We absolutely adore hearing your voices, so don’t hold back! Whether it’s a whisper or a shout, your input help us tailor the best dating advice for you. Drop us a voicemail or slide into our DMs with a voice memo – we can’t wait to hear from you!

Keep Listening!

If you enjoyed this all Dear Damona episode, you would really like our recent episode with the host of the “I Thought it Was Just Me” podcast, Lane Moore: Tinder Love & Love Don’t Cost a Thing

Psychic Matchmaker & Digital Body Language

You’ve heard Damona talk about dating intuition – that inner voice that says, something feels off about this person or my gut is telling me this person may be my person or somebody I want to spend more time with. That’s your internal compass, the metaphorical steering wheel of your heart and it talks to you if you’re willing to listen.

Today psychic matchmaker Deborah Graham, who’s been tuned into her intuition since she was a child, uses her abilities to pair singles with a match that will last a lifetime.

And here are a couple of fun parts: Deborah joins us to share how she teaches her clients to dial into their intuition. And as a special bonus, our fabulous podcast producer, Lindsey, volunteers to be read live on air by The Psychic Matchmaker.

But first, we have a steamy hot dating dish to serve up for you and it’s all about digital body language in online dating.

DATING DISH (2:32)

In a recent article, Online Dating, Beware of Digital Body Language, Grazia Magazine talks to friend, former guest, and behavioral scientist for Hinge, Logan Ury, about how to read digital body language, which is defined as as emojis, punctuation, message length, and response time.

A recent Hinge survey found that 69% of respondents claimed they could analyze digital body language to determine if they wanted to take the next step and go out with that person.

Damona’s takeaway? You have to create momentum and a kinetic feeling of being in a conversation with somebody when you’re texting. In the end, it’s about being responsive and not leaving a conversation hanging if you’re searching for love.

Want to get your messages analyzed? Send screenshots to @DamonaHoffman on Instagram and get your text analyzed!

DEBORAH GRAHAM (13:21)

Deborah Graham was born a gifted psychic, having her earliest premonitions when she was only six. Now with more than 30 years of experience as a psychic relationship expert and matchmaker, Deborah’s work is all about matching you with your true love and soulmate.

You may recognize Deborah from the 2015 TLC show, Psychic Matchmaker, which featured her helping people find true love.

(14:01) A blessing, a curse and an arranged marriage

Damona has always been fascinated with the intersection between the metaphysical and the spiritual – the stuff we can’t see but also the very tangible tactical techniques a lot of her listeners know her for.

Deboarah says, “Oh, I like to say it’s a blessing and a curse because I’m a third generation psychic. As a child, I would communicate with loved ones I’d never met.”

She talks about one of the moments that changed her life – when her mom arranged her marriage. “My mama just kept saying this is the person. Because of course, she’s intuitive. So she knew. And that’s kind of what my life’s work is. It’s kind of like I give everybody the push.”

(24:37) Teaching singles to use intuition

Damona uses her intuition when assisting her clients and encourages them to do the same. She wonders how Deborah instills the idea in her clients.

Deborah says to look out for Energy Vampires. “If you go out on that first date and that person is constantly talking about themselves and how bad their relationship has been, and they’re blaming everybody for it going wrong, that’s usually when I say run, run, run.”

She also says that eye contact is key. “You’re communicating through the person’s soul because the window to your soul is through your eyes. So that is your own psychic abilities, intuition going in and vibrating energetically.”

(29:02) Reframing the Awkward Silence

Damona says to switch the adjective! What if we consider the silence to be informative, energetic, or contemplative rather that awkward? The only last 2-3 seconds after all.

Deborah adds, “Silence is communication. Because it’s not about what you say. It’s about what you feel.”

Follow Psychic Matchmaker Deborah Graham on Instagram @PsychicDeborahGraham and learn more about her work by visiting psychicdeborahgraham.com

DEAR DAMONA (41:14)
Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Email from Christina

Is there anything you suggest to figure out if a person is going to ghost you after a month or so? I met somebody who made it seem like things were going well and attempts to communicate with them didn’t reveal anything was troubling, yet after some time, something was clearly wrong because they slow-faded me.

Eventually things ended, and while I know that person was the wrong person for me, I’d like to know how to be able to feel if a person is going to do that much better.

If more details are needed for my question like background, here’s a little more to go with. I met someone on a dating app and we went out for several dates. Things seemed to go well enough to where they invited me to keep things at their place, introduced me to their friends, and we spent lots of time together for about six weeks. I did notice they read a certain male controversial Canadian author’s books in their reading, asked them about it as I am a woman who isn’t a fan of that author, and got an answer that was reasonable, but took it as a yellow flag. They even said it was going well.

Then in November, things started to get strange for the remaining couple weeks that I considered us dating. They didn’t include me in their plans, particularly Thanksgiving, they texted me less (and when they did, it may as well have been with an acquaintance), were less affectionate when we did spend time together, and generally their overall behavior was strange. I know they had family far away and work stress, but wanted to understand things better. I tried to communicate this with them in a way that was calm and even tried to make it with some humor so they wouldn’t feel put on the spot, yet they offered nothing.

Finally after a weekend with no plans and no communication, I told them directly what I have been noticing and told them that you have to communicate to show respect and so the other person isn’t left wondering what they don’t know about. He sent me a very generic text saying we weren’t communicating or on the same page and it wasn’t working out. Clearly it was over, but it wasn’t a “we” problem, this person slow-faded me when I tried to communicate after things seemed to go so well.

I am hoping to learn what to observe in the future so this doesn’t happen again as ghosting is already bad enough early in the process and worse as you spend more time together. Dating a commitment-phobe is something I want to avoid again and Damona’s advice would be invaluable.