We all like to think we understand attraction, have a specific type, and know what we want. But in reality, our dating experiences and behaviors have been shaped over a lifetime by the people and ideas around us. We are products of our environments, but the messages we’ve received aren’t always the most helpful in charting our path to happiness and fulfillment.

This week, we have master-certified life coach Kara Loewentheil joining us! She will use an analytical, feminist lens to explore our dating culture and how old stories may be affecting our decisions in love.

Plus, we’ve got a squeaky-clean Dating Dish for you—discover what singles prioritize most in a surprising social experiment. And don’t miss our Dear Damona question: Is there a match-and-no-response loop?

DATING DISH (3:10)

It’s spring cleaning time, not just for your household but for your dating profile, too! NBC News reports that 83% of single online daters plan to refresh their profiles this spring. The big question is, what should you include to attract the right matches?

A recent survey by Whirlpool, revealed that swapping out typical “thirst trap” photos for ones showcasing household care—like doing dishes and folding laundry—led to more connections and relationships.

How many of those men are now in LTRs? The answer may surprise you!

7:06 Kara Loewentheil 

Kara Loewentheil, JD, is a master certified life coach, founder of the School of New Feminist Thought, and host of the podcast Unstuck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone.

Kara is no slouch; she’s a Yale and Harvard Law School graduate who went on to join a think tank at Columbia Law School. She’s also the author of the critically acclaimed book *Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head and How to Get It Out*.

9:10 What is a brain gap?

Kara shares the “brain gap” concept, which illuminates the disparity between our desired thoughts and feelings and our actual ones, especially concerning societal norms around gender roles and romantic connections. 

From early on, we absorb implicit and explicit messages about what’s desirable or worthy, molding our perceptions of ourselves and others. 

In Kara’s words: “So that is the brain gap. Those two different thought patterns really can’t reconcile themselves. We have to intervene to reshape our thinking to bridge them actively.” 

20:11 The romantic socialization traps

You don’t want to fall into any of Kara’s “four traps of romantic socialization.” The traps of romantic socialization contribute to unhealthy dating mindsets, especially for women taught their value hinges on male partnership. 

Kara shares, “Society gives women because it makes women settle for any relationship. ” This scarcity mindset, coupled with ingrained insecurity around being “chosen,” breeds fixation and rumination where “some part of your brain thinks finding a partner is what is going to keep us safe and part of the tribe.”

34:10 What about societal messages?

Are you ready for a deep dive into the impact of societal messages on our beliefs about relationships, gender roles, and self-worth? 

Kara traces the evolution of these narratives, highlighting how media, culture, and institutions shape our perceptions. The romanticization of marriage? Changing the dynamics of gender roles? All covered and more…

37:27 On rewriting the Fairy Tale

Damona asks Kara about her checklist when looking for her life partner, citing the List Myth from her book F the Fairy Tale. 

Despite having a specific checklist and vision for her ideal life partner, Kara fell for someone whose circumstances didn’t match her criteria. 

This allowed her to rewrite her own fairy tale narrative and unexpectedly find fulfillment by prioritizing substance over superficial factors. 

Follow Kara on Instagram @KaraLoewentheil and be sure to grab a copy of her new book, “Take Back Your Brain: How A Sexist Society Gets In Your Head and How To Get It Out.”

43:38 DATING DISH

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

IG Voice Memo from Jack:

Hi Damona, how long should I wait before moving on from a match? After we’ve matched, and exchanged a couple of words and then the kind of ball is in their court for responding to a match. I’ll ask something about their profile. We’ll talk a little bit, exchange a couple of messages on the app, and then they’ll kind of go cold.

So, I’m wondering if you have any recommendations. Do I dive back into those conversations to try to get their attention again? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Maybe, you know, should the first course of action not be to try to talk and just ask them out on a date instead, without trying to warm up to anything? Or should I just move on? Any advice you could give on this would be awesome, and I’d really appreciate it. 

Thanks! Love your show, Jack.