Welcome to the final episode of the Dates & Mates “Summer Encore Series” – and the official LAST episode of Season 9!

You know we love breaking down dating myths and tracking the ways in which dating norms have evolved. That’s why we’re bringing back another episode that’s been locked away for some time – a conversation with Charles J. Orlando on the evolution of chivalry. This was also part of Damona’s “Dating Myths Decoded” Summit, so let’s get ready to do some decoding.

 CHARLES J. ORLANDO (1:40)

Charles J. Orlando is an interpersonal relationship dynamics expert and author of five acclaimed books. You may know him from the hit show “Seven Year Switch” on Lifetime, where he was the expert and host (Seasons 2-3). Today he will be breaking down the origins and evolution of chivalry. Plus, he will tell you what to look for on a first date when gauging long term potential.

(2:00) The origins of chivalry.

Charles takes us back a couple of centuries to talk about where chivalry actually comes from. When we think of the term chivalry, images of a damsel in distress or a knight in shining armor often come to mind. But by technical definition, Charles shares that “it actually meant to win sexual favours from a woman via covert action. So it was a way to bullsh*t your way into her pants by pretending to be all that.”

Nowadays, chivalry has to do more with action and “gentlemanly conduct” (a man could even be chivalrous to another man). So why has chivalry fallen by the wayside in the 21st century? Charles gives two clear reasons why…

(6:05) Inspiring our partner to show up.

The role of men has historically been tied to being a provider. And with the introduction of modern day feminism and evolution of the woman’s role in society, the male role of “provider” has become more and more ambiguous. So Damona asks Charles how women can inspire men (or how any partner inspire the other) to show up in more chivalrous ways in a relationship.

Charles comments that gender roles in relationships are more fluid today. He says there is more than one way to provide for your partner in a relationship and lots of ways to share a piece of yourself.

(8:15) Reset your expectations.

Damona revisits her own engagement, and how her husband felt the same societal pressure to be settled in his career before proposing. This is often the hurdle that comes up when women begin to wonder, “why can’t he commit?” If you’re in this situation, remember that your partner’s hesitancy to commit may not be personal. It could be that he doesn’t feel established enough yet to build something new, like a marriage.

Charles points out that this is where expectations come into play – what society expects of us, what we expect of ourselves or our partner. The evolution of chivalry has reset what is expected of men and women in today’s society. So maybe our expectations should have a chance to evolve as well…

 

(12:50) “All men want to date women who are younger.”

Let’s bust this myth, shall we? This may be true for some men. But if you have been feeling this way as a woman, it’s probably a combination of insecurities and the way you are managing your selection process for dating. Charles spills that “the right guy sees past all of that nonsense, because it doesn’t even come into play. And that has to do with the selection process.”

Even moreso, the dating and selection process has become difficult for everyone with the rise of online dating/dating apps. “We originally met people within our own neighborhood, which means we had some commonality around values and neighborhood activities… you knew what they were all about… Now we’re meeting people from out of our neighborhood because the neighborhood is 7.1 billion people strong.”

(15:50) You complete you.

Speaking of resetting expectations, have you ever heard someone say they want to find their other half? The person that completes them? Well, it’s time for us to let go of that vision. Think about it: you could meet someone that completes you during one phase of your life. But over time, both you and your partner will evolve in ways that neither of you can predict. That is the nature of being human. So if you’re always holding on to someone so tightly as being your other half, you may develop some resentment down the line.

But this doesn’t have to be an inherently sad realization! Letting go of the “other half” expectation helps us to build fuller and more long-lasting relationships that will stand the test of time. 

So how do we look for those signs of long-term potential while dating? Charles gives his take on red flags, compatibility, and modern day courtship.

(22:15) A relationship shouldn’t be “work.”

According to Charles, “work is that thing that you do so that you can earn a check, so that you can take that money and do what you’re really passionate about.” Instead, relationships and love take effort. Effort is what you put into the things that you really care about, the things that matter.

 

Be sure to check out Charles on Instagram @CharlesJOrlando, and you can learn more about his work at CharlesJOrlando.com.

 

**There is no Dear Damona in this episode. We will continue answering your dating dilemmas during the Season 10 Premiere of Dates & Mates, airing August 23rd.

Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!

As you know, we have been opening up the Dates & Mates vault for our special Summer Encore series to bring you incredible conversations from the early days of the podcast or other secret sessions that have been locked away for Damona’s VIP clients only. 

The idea of communicating with your matches seems pretty straight forward. But with each of us spending more and more time on our phones and behind our computers, our face to face conversations are beginning to suffer.

And so, today we’ll be sharing Damona’s masterclass on HOW TO COMMUNICATE – including how to avoid the texting trap, and the four keys to healthy communication.

COMMUNICATION MASTERCLASS (1:15)

In this masterclass, Damona will cover topics like:

• The Principles of Improv & How to Listen (1:15)

• The 70/30 Rule (3:30)

• Have “SEC” with each other – Smile, Eye contact, & Casual touch (4:30)

• How to avoid the texting trap (7:10)

• Only share what you want to share (12:40)

• Using emojis as mood modifiers (14:05)

Is there another topic you would like Damona to cover? Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!

Once upon a time, Damona held a special online summit with some of the top love experts in the world that was just for VIPs and subscribers. For over five years, these conversations have been locked away. But today, we’re sharing a very special interview with the amazing matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson.

We don’t have to tell you that finding a match can be difficult. A lot of pieces have to come together: Are you physically attracted to each other? Do you share goals and values? Do you feel heard? Understood?

But what if we told you that these things were actually the second step in the dating process? (Say whaaat?!) How can there be a step before I even meet someone? Well sit tight, because Paul Carrick Bronson, of Married at First Sight UK, will share his Top 4 Factors when it comes to meeting your match.

**A quick note: At the top of this interview, I mention that I want Paul to share his expertise to help women find their match, but I want to emphasize that the knowledge he is about to share is valuable to people of all genders and orientations. Enjoy!

 

PAUL CARRICK BRUNSON (2:20)

Paul is a matchmaker, television host, columnist, and host of the podcast, “Better with Paul” where he shares his journey in business, life, and love. He has also appeared as a consultant on Married at First Sight UK, Celebs Go Dating, and as a correspondent on Good Morning America.

 

(3:00) Factor #1: You just gotta believe.

Paul’s first factor in being able to find your perfect match is belief. Paul believes that what you believe you truly do conceive, which is why cultivating a mindset that is open and optimistic to finding love is so important, and will lead you to success. And in this case, success doesn’t have to mean finding a partner or getting married. Success can just mean that you start to enjoy dating.

Plus, Paul shares a crucial suggestion on how we can empower ourselves to reshape our own belief systems. (Hint: it may involve raising your standards.)

 

(8:28) Factor #2: Find a love mentor.

The second factor Paul shares is self love. Or, as he defines it, feeling like you could become your ultimate self. “You truly can’t love anyone more than your willingness to love yourself.”

Paul also touches on the difference between self esteem and self love. He says that you can have self esteem in one area of your life, such as your career or health, but this doesn’t necessarily equate to self love. “If any areas [of your life] are lacking and you don’t believe you can become your optimal self in any one of those areas, then you don’t unconditionally love yourself. Because unconditional self love is the aggregate of all of those areas.”

So what steps can we take to create more self love? Paul recommends identifying someone who can be your love mentor, who shares your values and lives their life in a way that inspires you. The second thing he recommends is evaluating each individual section of your life (family, career, health, spirituality, etc) and ask yourself, “do I feel like I’m on the pathway to becoming my best self in each of these categories?” If the answer is no in any category, then start to examine what is the roadblock preventing you from becoming your optimal self in that category.

 

(16:50) Factor #3: Physically attractive vs physical attraction.

Physical attraction may seem like a more superficial requirement in finding a partner. But Paul states that over his 15 years of consulting, the data very clearly shows that if there is not a minimal level of physical attraction early in the relationship (i.e. within the first two hours of meeting someone), chances are nothing else will matter.

Paul goes on to clarify the difference between physical attraction and being physically attractive. Being physically attractive is based on a lot of objective factors – facial symmetry, how much they remind us of our parents, the cadence of their voice, and scent (and we’re talking pheromones, not Old Spice). But having physical attraction to someone isn’t something we can decide on, it’s something that just is. 

Plus, Paul gives Damona the two questions you should ask yourself to determine if you should go on a second date.

 

(22:40) Factor #4: Your values are the rulebook to your life.

Paul’s fourth and final factor for finding your perfect match is having shared values. (Sound familiar?) Paul sees our values as being the rulebook to our life. And if someone can’t live by the rules of your life or you theirs – meaning you have very few shared values – how are you going to fit into each other’s lives?

Additionally, Paul says that your values are never what you say they are. Your values are your actions. They can only be evaluated by how your actions are reflected back to you from the people in your life.

 

You can learn more about Paul by visiting his website paulcbrunson.com, AND you can follow him on Instagram @PaulCBrunson.

 

**There is no Dear Damona in this episode. We will continue answering your dating dilemmas during Season 10 of Dates & Mates, airing August 23.

 

Here on Dates & Mates, we like to cover topics for every type of listener. Whether you’re single, wanting to move into a long term relationship, or someone who’s already found the one and wants to stay on track – we’re here to help.

That’s why all summer long, Damona is opening up the Dates & Mates vault to bring you incredible conversations from the early days of the podcast or other secret sessions that have been locked away for VIP clients only.

For today’s installment of our Summer Encore Series, we’re revealing an interview with Dr. Jenn Mann. You probably know her as the host and therapist for VH1’s long-standing hit shows Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn and Family Therapy with Dr. Jenn. She will share her techniques for improving your relationship through communication and conflict management.

DATING DISH W/ DR. JENN MANN (2:00)

(2:00) What your boyfriend’s texts really mean.

Inspired by an Elite Daily article from 2019, Damona and Dr. Jenn get into the anxiety surrounding text frequency and what it really means if your partner doesn’t respond right away. Hint: Dr. Jenn believes that consistent communication is good, but it doesn’t have to be responding in five minutes. 

D and Dr. J also discuss something called “status grounding” and how it can help take the pressure off of communicating with your partner.

(5:05) What makes people fall out of love?

Do y’all know the four biggest predictors of divorce? According to Dr. Jenn, the Gottman Institute nicknames these four factors “The Four Horsemen” – criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. Dr. Jenn goes into each of these factors, and clarifies the line between feedback and criticism

Hot tip: Anytime you can frame something as a request rather than a criticism, you’ll avoid any potential defensiveness and keep your path of communication open.

JENN MANN (10:14)

Dr. Jenn Mann can be infamously seen as the host and therapist for VH1’s long-standing hit shows Couples Therapy with Dr. Jenn and Family Therapy with Dr. Jenn. 

She has appeared as a guest expert on hundreds of other shows including: The Today Show, The Early Show, Dr. Oz, Wendy Williams, The Doctors, and more! And she is the author of The Relationship Fix, which spent 5 weeks on the bestseller list.

(11:20) Conflict is an opportunity for growth.

Not only is conflict a significant opportunity for growth, it’s a chance to practice communicating in a healthy and effective way that will ultimately bring you and your partner closer. Dr. Jenn notes that one of the keys to taking advantage of this is to fight fairly (i.e. don’t raise your voice, no name calling or blaming).

Dr. Jenn also details the Four R’s for an effective apology – remorse, room, respect, & responsibility.

(14:53) Can couples rebuild after infidelity?

If you’ve been a long-time listener of the podcast, you know how many times Damona has gotten questions about infidelity. Particularly, is it possible to get past cheating? And are there things we can do to prevent a partner from cheating?

Much like the factors of an effective apology, Dr. Jenn says that remorse is key to building back trust after infidelity. The partner who cheated has to be able to recognize the ways in which they hurt the other partner, and voice that recognition. 

If you have been cheated on and you choose to stay with your partner, remember that things are inevitably going to trigger you. Dr. Jenn encourages building enough trust and communication where you are able to openly voice your insecurities.

(19:45) How does your childhood trauma affect your attachment style?

Dr. Jenn brings us some new takes on attachment styles. As y’all probably know, the first three years of life are when we form our foundation for attachment. These years also inform our impression of the world as either being a safe or unsafe place (i.e. how much your needs were met as a kid). 

In terms of adult attachment, Dr. Jenn says that we tend to anticipate whatever relationship dynamics we grew up with in our romantic ones. She adds that we will sometimes even pick partners that reinforce the stories we tell ourselves about how we were raised. Dr Jenn explains, “Our unconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between past, present and future. It’s always trying to heal old wounds and current time.”

 

 

Check out more of Dr. Jenn’s advice in her book, The Relationship Fix. And be sure to follow Dr. Jenn on IG, Twitter and Facebook @drjennmann. 

 

DEAR DAMONA (24:50)

Submit your Dear Damona questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers in a future episode of the show!

• Question from IG – If a girl brings a friend to a first date, it’s over… right?
• Question from IG – I’m dating someone with an STD. How screwed am I?