Have you ever found yourself leaning a little too hard onto the rules of dating? It can be exhausting! Who pays for what? When should I text them back? What should I text them? How do I define the relationship? The rules are ever changing but our mission on this show is always to keep you in the know. (Lookie, that rhymed.)
And that’s why we have Ilana Dunn of the hit podcast “Seeing Other People” joining Damona on Dates & Mates today. She’s the former video and content producer for the dating app Hinge, and she’s the foremost authority on Millennial and Gen Z dating.
Ilana will be sharing her top texting tips for meeting your match and she’ll share her no games approach that is re-writing the rules for today’s daters.
DATING DISH (2:48)
Folks are fibbing on dating apps – but about what?
Our friends over at Big Think got curious about how often people are stretching the truth in their profiles. And as it turns out, roughly 80% of people include information in their profile that contains “deviations” from the truth.
But what’s even more interesting is that the things that men and women tend to lie about are different, AND there are also distinctions between how upset they are about the other’s deceit.
According to a study from Cambridge University, men tend to value “reproductive capacity” (physical attractiveness & youth) and women lean towards “resource acquisition” (higher social status & provision). Damona debunks some of these claims, BUT gives evidence for others.
ILANA DUNN (11:28)
Damona sits down with Ilana Dunn, the former video and content producer for the dating app Hinge. Today, Ilana hosts the podcast Seeing Other People and is an expert in Millenial and Gen Z dating. Her mission is to help daters feel more empowered and less alone in their dating lives.
(12:55) Let’s stop playing games…
Both Damona and Ilana agree that the aspect of playing games is a little outdated for where dating culture has evolved to today. Ilana shares the crucial reason why following the “rules” of dating will not work for everyone.
(20:00) Authenticity is everything.
“Just be yourself” can feel like such a loaded statement sometimes. So what does it really mean to love as you are and authentically? Ilana breaks down how she got to the core of her authentic self, and how you can surrender to your own truest self.
Plus, Damona gives some tips on how to sound more authentic over text (hint: try and text the way you speak).
(24:27) Don’t judge a match by their texts.
Texting has now become such a crucial part of the dating process (although it didn’t used to be). Ilana mentions one of the biggest mistakes we make when texting, which is letting the conversation go on too long before meeting in person.
The reason this is dangerous is that it gives us all this time to build up the other person in our mind – we think we know who they are and how we will get along, which ends up putting all this pressure on the first in-person date.
Ilana recounts how she managed to avoid this trap with her current boyfriend – get ready to take some notes…
(34:35) Should we see other people?
We all have different definitions about what it means to be exclusive. In the UK, the etiquette is that you are dating one person until you decide to stop dating them. But in the US, the presumption has been that you are dating multiple people until you declare that you are exclusive with one person.
Damona asks Ilana for some advice on how to navigate this dissonance, and Ilana shares the two types of daters that emerge in dating before exclusivity.
DEAR DAMONA (47:00)
IG Message from M – I’ve been with my fiancé for 11 years now. The first 5 years we were on and off, but we have been living together for the last 6 years. Our communication skills haven’t been the best. But I’ve always made him aware that the way he talks to me isn’t okay. I feel like he tries to belittle me in front of others, talks to me like he’s annoyed by me, or like I’m stupid. One of the last arguments we had was because he told me that “I’m f*cking stupid.” Overall, I just feel like he doesn’t respect me. I’ve asked multiple times if we could please try and work on it. I’ve even brought up counseling and he said no. I recently tried breaking things off because I feel the respect isn’t there. He then proceeded to apologize and said he would change and said we could do counseling. It’s been a week and he still hasn’t looked into counseling, while I have. I just don’t know if this type of behavior can be improved? I feel like part of me is over the relationship but at the same time I still love him and care for him. I just don’t know if this relationship is worth fighting for anymore.