Today we’re going to do something a little different. I’m bringing back one of my favorite Dates & Mates masterclasses. Only the latest 100 episodes are available on our feed so I brought this out of the vault just for your listening pleasure. We’re going to talk about something that is really integral to my practice as a dating coach – how to develop better habits in dating, right in time for the new year.

BUT FIRST!

This episode is brought to you by my Dating Accelerator Program – the new and improved 10-week version of my most popular group coaching program is launching in January! If you’re ready to date differently in 2022, but you don’t know how to get started, then The Dating Accelerator could be your solution.

Early bird enrollment is open NOW through December 31st, and regular admission starts the first of the year. You can Find out more about The Dating Accelerator at damonahoffman.com/program

THE MASTERCLASS (1:20)

In this rapidly-evolving world of dating, I often see daters operating by old dating rules and not evolving with the dating climate. Many of my clients come to me feeling stuck in what I call a “samskara.” This is essentially a pattern or habit, something that becomes ingrained in you from doing it over and over again. There are both positive samskaras, such as consistently going to the gym, and negative samskaras – the difference is the negative ones hold you back, because these patterns keep attracting the things you don’t want. And as far as dating, the negative samskaras are more common than you think. I’m here to tell you the 8 most common bad dating habits that are preventing you from getting what you want.

I want to be clear. The purpose of this episode is not to shame you, because we all have patterns that need to be changed. But the first step in solving a problem is recognizing the problem, and the next step is putting a plan in action to change it. So I challenge you to change your negative samskaras. So if any of these bad dating habits sound like you, I’m here to tell you how you can fix them.

1. Ghosting. No one wants to be ghosted; but almost everyone does it, and then we make excuses why the other person deserved to be ghosted or didn’t deserve our time. 
   • How to fix it: If you are tired of getting ghosted, you first have to identify where you are ghosting in your own life. This could be through work emails that you think are unimportant, or from people on dating apps that you aren’t attracted to. When you treat others with respect in all settings, you encourage those around you to do the same. Plus, you will communicate more effectively so you don’t get left back in that void.
2. Obligaswiping. I talked about this trend on the podcast a while back, but it is becoming more and more common today. Basically, “obligaswiping” is when you have a dating app installed that you hate, but you feel obligated to go on it and swipe anyway. If you swipe without any intention, you are wasting your time and depleting the energy you have to date.
   • How to fix it: Delete any app that is not bringing you joy or quality dates. Additionally, only swipe on people that you could actually see yourself dating. Remember – don’t aim for high volume, aim for real connections.
3. First date fails.
   • No pre-dating. A lot of people go on reaaally long and draining first dates with someone they’ve really had no contact with prior to the in-person date. Save your time – do a pre-date call! Just a 10-20 min call before the in-person date will let you know if there’s actually any chemistry.
   • Not showing up your best. This may come from burnout, or not wanting to look like you’re trying too hard. But you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. So on every first date, put yourself together the way you want to be seen.
4. The “said-it and forget-it” profile. Some people complain about the difficulty of dating apps, but at the same time have not changed their profile in a significant amount of time or are using old photos. Your profile is a living document, it changes as you change. Your profile should always be a reflection of your current self, and your current relationship goals.
   • How to fix it: Refresh your profile every 1-2 months, plus this will help boost your profile to the top of the algorithm.
5. The texting trap. Texting is not a chemistry builder – it’s a chemistry blocker. Some people think they should spend a lot of time texting before meeting in person, so you can build a rapport together. But when you finally meet IRL, the person you were texting doesn’t seem at all like their virtual self (maybe the banter isn’t as fluid in person, or there isn’t any chemistry).
   • How to fix it: You cannot thoroughly vet a match through text. Instead, set up a call or FaceTime beforehand (as mentioned above), or try to move offline quickly to see if your connection is sustainable in person.
6. Being afraid of starting over. A lot of people stay in relationships that are not healthy, or that they know are not right for them, because they are afraid of starting over.
   • How to fix it: Think of it this way – it’s your destiny to find someone who is your best possible match, as well it is for the other person. So if you’re staying together because of convenience or fear of being alone, you’re blocking two people from their destiny. Plus, with new beginnings comes a whole array of possibilities.
7. Negative self-talk. Do you know that voice that keeps telling you stories about why you must still be single? Yeah, it’s your own mind. And no matter why that voice is telling you those stories, it isn’t doing you any favors.
   • How to fix it: Start by rewriting your mental mantra about love.  When you put that negative mantra to bed, you’ll be able to see your current reality and all the possibilities ahead more clearly. And the more you repeat this new phrase, the more you will believe it.
8. You don’t have a dating plan. Do you believe that love is meant to find you, that romance will just magically happen? Well snap out of it, because this is a myth! Instead when you put a plan in place, the same way you make a plan for anything else in life, you are more likely to get what you want.
   • How to fix it: Get into a program, or get an accountability partner. Do something proactive that puts you on a path to finding love, and see if that changes your outcome.

Speaking of a plan>>>>

This is a 10 week online program based upon the same system I’ve used successfully with hundreds of private clients distilled to easy to follow self-led materials that you can watch, listen, and read on your time, plus live group sessions with me.

Peak dating season begins the first Sunday of the year. January is the time when the biggest number of singles hop on the apps in hopes of finding their person. So we are kicking off this round of The Dating Accelerator in January so I can walk you step by step through my tried and true plan for dating.

It can feel really out of control to date without a plan, without a system. So that’s why I’ve done all the work for you. I’ve laid out all the steps to follow in a simple to follow program. In 30 minutes or less a week, you can shift how you feel about yourself, your outlook on dating and most importantly, your relationship status.

You are pre-qualified to register for this program because I know if you’re here you are ready for a big change in your life in 2022.

Early bird enrollment is open through December 31 only for a very special $300 discounted rate at – DamonaHoffman.com/program. And payment plans are available.

If you are a single person of any gender or orientation who:

• needs a mind, body, and spiritual reset on dating
• Or if you’re feeling isolated coming out of the pandemic and are looking to connect
• Who thrives in a group environment with supportive like-minded people
• And you want NOW to be your time – the time you finally meet your person

Then you are invited to accelerate your love life, improve your dating confidence, shortcut disappointment, and attract a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

Early bird enrollment at a $300 discount is only available until December 31st only at DamonaHoffman.com/program so don’t let this opportunity pass you by.

Early birds get early access to our member Facebook community where you can start talking to each other and getting dating advice immediately. 

This is the best deal on the Dating Accelerator that will be offered this year.

You’re invited to join at DamonaHoffman.com/group

Today’s episode is entirely dedicated to answering your most pressing dating dilemmas.

But FIRST – I have the latest and greatest breakdown on the dating scene today. Every year, Match releases their “Singles In America” study, examining the trends among the US single population (which they have done for the last 11 years). I’ll be looking at this study and analyzing these recent trends so you and I can come up with your dating plan together. Let’s get to it.

MATCH: SINGLES IN AMERICA (1:32)

This year’s study is a JUICY one. I was so eager to get my hands on this study, considering that we’ve all been going through a pandemic for the past year and a half. And IMO, this has been the biggest disruptor in dating culture since the invention of swipe technology. Here are the facts:

(2:52) Single adults account for more than 1/3 of the US adult population.

• The data supports that people are really shifting their priorities to dating someone based on common values, and not so much on the exterior (although good looks still sweeten the deal).
• “Looks are out, emotional maturity is in. Stability is the new sexy,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, Chief Science Advisor to Match.
• 39% of singles say that emotional maturity is, foremost, what they seek more of in a partner.

(3:58) The Covid Effect: intentional dating is on the rise.

• Only 11% of singles want to date casually, while 62% say they seek more meaningful, committed relationships.
• I predict this number will go up, once singles become more comfortable meeting up with strangers again.

(5:08) Desire for marriage is up, but preference for having children is down.

• The desire for a partner who wants marriage has risen from 58% in 2019, to 76% in 2021.
• In 2017, 80% of singles under 40 said it was important to have a partner who wanted to have kids, compared to just 61% today. This shift is especially noticeable among women, who are feeling more freedom to be honest about what they want in their relationships.

(5:08) Is this the death of the f*ckboy?

• 81% of men said they think sex is less important in a relationship now (vs. 87% of women), compared to how they felt before the pandemic.
• Plus, it looks like video dates are here to stay – this year, 1 in 4 singles (27%) had a video date before meeting IRL. Video dates have also helped in avoiding the dating burnout many singles were feeling pre-pandemic. 
• But with the rise of video dates, comes its own set of challenges. Avoid messy and distracting backgrounds, and good lighting is KEY. As for avoiding awkward conversation, don’t overthink it – stay curious and open, which will keep the conversation flowing. And if it gets awkward, just own that it’s awkward and call it out!

(9:53) An openness to interracial dating…

• 45% of singles have actually dated someone outside of their race. And now, 7 in 10 singles say they are open to dating someone of different race or ethnicity – a 22% increase compared to before the pandemic (just a year and a half ago)!
• This shows that we are looking for reasons to connect, and looking for commonalities rather than pointing out the things that make us different. It’s now about getting clear on your goals and your values, and being able to connect authentically around those values and goals.

DEAR DAMONA (11:34)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

(12:00) IG Message from Felicia: Hi Damona, I just started listening to your podcast and trust me, I need all the help I can get! Here’s my situation: I met a really nice guy in September for a drink on a Sunday. The next day, we spent the whole day together, and then on Tuesday, I stopped hearing from him. He was moving at 150 mph and now he’s going to hit the brakes or ghost me. He’s a cop who works long shifts but it’s been a week since I’ve heard from him. I might have come off as crazy when I was venting about him to my friend and accidentally sent him the text! It was awkward and I’M SO EMBARRASSED! After that, he only texted me late on Saturday for what feels like a booty call. What should I do?? I think my friends have truly given up on me. I’ve been widowed for 8 years now and I think I’m going to be single for the remainder of my life at this point lol.

(20:06) Voice Message from Kay: Hey Damona! I just wanted to say thank you for your podcast – I’ve just loved it. I’m only 27 but I’d actually just swore off dating about a year ago. I know, why would I give up so early on in life? But listening to your podcast has really equipped me to start approaching dating again. I think I was always really scared of the apps in the past, because I didn’t wanna get a dick pic or match with guys who just wanted to hook up. And I think that’s kind of the stigma around apps in a lot of circles, especially my circles. But listening to your podcast really equipped me to write a good bio, and also how to search for others that had represented themselves well on apps, and to really look for people that shared my values. It’s crazy how you can actually kind of do that even in such a little picture of who that person is – their little bio and pictures, the questions they’ve answered. It’s so cool that you can actually use a bit of intuition to understand somebody based on how they’ve represented themselves. Anyways, I’ve gone on some very nice dates with some quality men. But my question is, if you have a couple of matches that you’ve connected and gone out with, that you really like, how long before I have to really pick someone and kind of exclude the others? I feel really conflicted about that, and I just want to know what you think.

(25:26) IG Message from M: I want to start online dating again. I was in a fantastic 2.5 year long term relationship with Joe that ended July 2020. We met on Match. I’m still heartbroken over our relationship ending, however I don’t want to wait to find someone wonderful again. I’m a bit hesitant to date again because I have Multiple Sclerosis and I’ve been experiencing balance issues, and at times I have to walk with a cane so I don’t fall. On my dating profile should I say that I have MS? I’m not interested in having children of my own but open to a man who has kids. I’m financially stable, I own my house. I’m looking for someone who is kind, loving, understanding, outgoing, funny, affectionate, and (in the words of Meghan Markle) a “nice guy.”

(30:40) Patreon Question from Dan: How does someone establish a connection with someone else with different interests (but with a shared relationship goal)? For example, my interests may be sports, history, science and current events while my dates interests may be along the lines of cooking, baking, etc? Asking for a friend.

(32:41) Patreon Question from J: Ugh. I’m disappointed. Went on a second date with a man last night and he blurted out that he “doesn’t believe in gay marriage.” I challenged him on this and he had no real explanation other than “it’s just wrong.” Needless to say, we are not a match. I can’t believe it took this long for this information to be revealed (3 weeks of texting, numerous phone calls, and two in person dates). I have my values clearly spelled out in my profile. So he knew where I stand on these issues. But it seems I need to improve my screening process even further. Any tips for getting these core-values cleared up very early on in the process?

(35:28) Patreon Question from M: When a man asks do you exercise, is he concerned whether I’m healthy or active or something else? I purposefully do not list how much I exercise as I have a bad knee, but I do some walking and dancing. This man also said he’s concerned about people who can’t walk well at work because they don’t take care of their health. I think it’s kind of rude to ask that in a first conversation, but it may be his priority. I’m feeling like I should just pass on this guy? What are your thoughts Damona? Thanks!!!

(37:22) Patreon Question from T: Is it rude to ask someone to share more photos? My profile has clear headshots and full body shots and I want to see that in a profile before I respond. Is there a cute way to ask? I once asked a guy if he had any close up shots since he only had a distant full body photo. I told him that I wanted to see his eyes and smile. He said he would send me some but I just wanted him to add them to his profile, not send them to my email. Am I being too dramatic? #frustratedwithshittyprofiles

IT’S TIME TO LIVE IN LOVE

I have a super exciting episode for you today! I am talking to one of my faves, Laverne Cox, (YES THEE LAVERNE COX) Emmy-nominated actress and Transgender Rights Activist. She is here to tell us all about how she found love on Tinder and how you can, too. 

This is Transgender Awareness week when transgender people and their allies generate awareness about who transgender people are, share stories and experiences, and advance advocacy around the issues of prejudice, discrimination, and violence that affect the transgender community.

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I’ve been a fan of Laverne’s work for years. She’s so wise and so wonderful and regardless of your gender identity or orientation, I know you’re going to love this super-sized, advice-packed interview.

LAVERNE COX (2:25)

Laverne Cox is the first openly transgender actress to be nominated for an Emmy for her brilliant work in Netflix’s series Orange Is The New Black. Since then, she’s produced the documentary Disclosure about transgender representation in Hollywood, she co-starred in the film Promising Young Woman, and she hosts the podcast The Laverne Cox Show. And now, she’s here on Dates & Mates!

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(6:00) Laverne found a love like never before… on TINDER: Laverne spills ALL the tea. So here’s how it went: Laverne and the now-boyf matched on Tinder in NYC before the pandemic but never got to meet. They continued to chat on the app and didn’t catch up in person until months later. When they did, Laverne says they had a really great time and she thought he was awesome. They continued to meet up whenever she was in NYC and eventually fell in love! Laverne points out that even though she is 49 and her boyfriend is 27, the age gap has never been a problem for them – they always have fun together, and it helps that they share a love for music of all kinds. 

Thinking about her past relationships, Laverne says that her last three boyfriends (including her current beau) had never dated a trans woman before herself. She thinks that being famous made them more open to meeting her and exploring a connection. Laverne also adds from her experience, a lot of men who purposefully seek out trans women to date or have sex with, fetishize and objectify their targets. This is perhaps why she’s seen a pattern in dating men who haven’t dated someone trans before.

(12:04) Resilience in the face of objectification: I ask for Laverne’s thoughts on being fetishized since she is both Trans and Black and on dating apps. Laverne responds that even though there is always the chance of fetishization, we have to practice not bringing those traumas into making new connections.

Resilience is key. If you’re always defensive when meeting new people, you won’t be in your “resilience zone.” Practice meeting new people with an open and curious mindset, because the energy you bring to new relationships will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you give it enough power. Laverne notes her strategy is to always give people the benefit of the doubt until they show her otherwise, “and people usually show you very quickly.”

(16:03) Don’t disrespect yourself by accepting less than what you’re looking for in love: Laverne shares that when she was young, she really wanted to be in love. On the other hand, she had an expectation of what it was to be wild, young, and free. But in this instance, her fantasy of what she thought she wanted versus what she really wanted was not in sync (and nowadays amidst hookup culture, I think this happens a lot). So Laverne advises that if you want to have sex, no judgment – but it’s important to be very, very clear if that’s what you want.

(18:58) Love is love: I ask Laverne how she thinks race intersects with dating culture. Laverne remembers what the reaction was like from her fans when she first went public with her ex-boyfriend, who was white. She recalls that many people were disappointed she was dating a white guy and thinks this is because those people wanted their own fantasy for Laverne to be carried out in real life – i.e. wanting her to find her “Black King” or be with the kind of person they wanted her to be with. Laverne continues that it’s hard enough just to find someone you connect with, why would you limit your dating pool? And sometimes you have to be really open in that dating pool to find someone you actually vibe with on a spiritual level. As they say, LOVE IS LOVE.

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(23:31) Laverne’s dating app strategy & a few words on genital preferences: In her own approach, Laverne says her profile was a full-on thirst trap – even though her pics had hookup vibes, she says she used these types of photos only to get the guy’s attention since men are more visual. And surprise, surprise… Men weren’t reading her bio. 

She learned this very early on. Once she matched with someone, Laverne would ask the man three questions:

1. “Did you read in my profile that I’m trans?”
2. “Have you ever dated or had sex with a trans person before?”
3. “If you’ve dated a trans person, did you introduce them to your family?”

Laverne explains that asking these questions upfront is all about eliminating the men that are going to have a problem dating a trans woman. It’s a safety precaution and saves time, so she doesn’t get too far down the line with someone before they find out she’s trans. 

Laverne also adds that some trans women think it’s transphobic if a guy doesn’t accept whatever genitalia she has, but she doesn’t hold it against them. Laverne believes it’s okay and perfectly normal to have genital preferences, just like we would have preferences for anything else in dating. And while it is absolutely NEVER appropriate to ask about a trans person’s genitalia or surgical status in a general setting, Laverne feels that it’s a fair question in the dating game. She says, “I think it’s a waste of your time as a trans woman if a man has a preference for a certain kind of genitalia that you don’t have.” 

(30:38) Your lack of boundaries is attracting the wrong people: Laverne recalls that when she was young, like many Trans girls in early transition, she desperately wanted to be seen as a woman. This created a lack of boundaries – since she wanted others to like her so badly, she would answer everyone’s questions about her body. But Laverne realized later that other people’s projections and thoughts about her transition are not her problem. Being trans is beautiful, and she doesn’t need to take on all that baggage. I think that the more you can share your authentic self and be transparent about what you want and who you are, the more you’re able to attract the right person

(35:12) Are you holding any limiting beliefs about dating?: Laverne describes how getting older has really made her confront the stories we tell ourselves about dating as a woman in her 40’s. She states that “ageism is a story that society has told women,” and a lot of women carry the belief that dating is hopeless once you turn 40. In Laverne’s case, once she embraced her age publicly, she was able to let go of the internalized shame around her age. In the end, finding love is all about shifting our belief systems and shifting our story of ourselves, so we don’t carry around all that negative stuff with us.

What do you do if you encounter someone who won’t date you because of your age? Shame is contagious so don’t waste your time and energy taking on other people’s shame about dating you. 

(35:12) Be a Love Warrior: We should strive to be the embodiment of love, and move through the world that way. She believes that whether you have a relationship or not, walking around and existing in a state of love is what we’re here for. Laverne adds that when we can raise our vibrations to “just being love,” we draw love to us in return. So think about the things that bring you pleasure and a sense of love and magnify that, walk around in that.

Check out my interview on The Laverne Cox Show here! And be sure to follow Laverne on all her socials, @lavernecox.

DEAR DAMONA (44:41)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• Email from Amanda – Thank you for what you do and all the information you share. My bf and I recently broke up after 10 months. We’ve both considered trying again but I’m unsure. He’s a nice guy but I have struggled to feel comfortable in the relationship. He comes off as very stand-off-ish, and doesn’t show much facial expression or spontaneous physical affection. That being said he’s been supportive helping me through life transitions (I’m 32 and he is 40). I wonder if I may have overshared in the relationship. I talked about my PTSD and boundaries which made him uncomfortable and he has continued to make comments about how he can’t be himself around me due to my boundaries. This is a bummer because I wanted to be open and build my trust in him over time. In addition, we struggled to laugh together, only went on dates when I asked, and rarely snuggled up for a movie night despite me asking for that as well. My stress got so bad I finally needed to be on my own. Do you think it’s worth trying again, or am I better off taking some time and finding a relationship where I can be more authentic?
• Email from Bryant – Hi Damona. Hope you are well. I saw you on the Drew Barrymore show and I thought you would be a good person to ask this question. Do celebrities date regular people who are not in the business? If so, how would a normal professional man (me) ask a celebrity out on a date?

HOW TO USE YOUR MAGIC IN DATING.

Happy Halloween Lovers! This is one of my favorite times of year because of all the magic in the air.

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FACT: Everyone has magic and intuition. You just need to learn how to use it to attract your highest love.

Today I’m talking to Astrologer Rachel Lang, author of the new book Modern Day Magic about all this magic in the air and how you can use it in your love life. 

This is going to be a really powerful episode and you will leave today with some simple and effective rituals and techniques to help you find your intuition, visualize your match, and make some modern day love magic for yourself.

DATING DISH (2:07)

(2:07) Couples Halloween costumes for you and your cutie

As Halloween parties are coming back this year, this is a PEAK moment to impress with your couple’s Halloween costume. It doesn’t even have to be with a romantic partner – you can do this with your BFF! Now you can go classic with a Disney prince and princess, but what I’m looking forward to are all the opportunities for *topical* costumes this year – I’m talking Cassandra and Ryan from Promising Young Woman (upcycle your “sexy nurse” costume with all the right accessories), Wanda and Vision in one of the many TV universes they visit, or if you’re going solo, Kim K at this year’s Met Gala.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian)

IMO it’s a perfect COVID safe look.

I’ll be sticking with the topical theme this year and going as a song from Bo Burnham’s comedy special Inside – with tiny pumpkins, comfy socks, and a bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsberg (check out my IG on Halloween if you can guess).  If you know, you know.

(5:57) Red flags so you avoid your own dating horror story:

Usually around this time of year, we will cover your Halloween dating horror stories. But considering we’ve all been living in a horror story for this last year and a half, let’s cover some red flags so you are prepped to avoid your OWN dating horror story. I covered these on The Drew Barrymore Show this past week with Drew and Alicia Silverstone, but you can never be too prepared…

So let’s play “Flag or No Flag?”

Their profile has a long list of things they want in a partner…

NOT a red flag – having a long list means they’ve put thought into what they want in a partner. And when you know which qualities you’re looking for, you’re more likely to find someone who fits that criteria. However, if they have a long list of things they DON’T want in a partner, that can often be a red flag that they’ve got some baggage. 

Their profile is only pics, no text…

RED FLAG – I think we’ve all seen a blank, pic-only profile at some point, and it doesn’t bode well. A profile with no text usually comes from either a catfish, or someone who isn’t using dating apps with intent. People who are really looking for a relationship will put some effort into writing their profile. And even if they do want a relationship, with nothing written in the profile, it’s hard to know if they’re a good match (plus you’ll waste a lot of time having to draw the info out of them). 

They message you with a generic opening line like “hey”…

NOT a red flag – but, they could be doing more. To get someone’s attention, they should put forward more effort. My formula for a great opening line is always “comment + question” – comment on something in their profile, and follow up with a question that’d require more than a yes/no response. But if you want to test if they are genuine beyond the first “hey,” respond with something cheeky like “hey hay, do you love horses too?” or “I love a hey, but I have a burning question for you: [insert burning question here].” If they reply with something more original, explore the convo! But if they still aren’t giving you much, let ‘em go.

Watch the full “red flag” segment with Drew and Alicia here.

Modern Day (Love) Magic (9:40)

I’m with Rachel Lang, professionally certified astrologer, Reiki Master, intuitive, and medium. She’s been featured in LVBX Magazine, Bustle, Huffpost, Well+Good, Romper, Elite Daily, PopSugar and more. Now she’s the author of the amazing book Modern Day Magic: 8 Simple Rules to Realize Your Power and Shape Your Life.

She is my personal astrologer and friend and I absolutely love having her back on Dates & Mates!

(12:02) What is magic and do you have it? Rachel says part of the purpose of her book Modern Day Magic is to redefine what “magic” means in today’s context – because I know that some people may hear the word and instantly have an aversion to the topic. Many of us think of magic as something more from storybooks and something we can’t access ourselves. But Rachel says the exact opposite – she says that magic is really just the creative and connective energy that we all already have within us, it’s what makes us feel connected to each other and the earth. 

(18:22) Using magic to set intentions and find your highest love: With every magical process, it is equal parts intention and attention – meaning, it’s not enough just to say what you want, you have to actively be shifting your energy and attention towards that result. So for Rachel, she first started working with magic because she wanted to be in love. She had to set her intentions of meeting her soulmate from a place of feeling really integrated, and able to clearly listen to her heart. As for the attention aspect, we want to spiral our intentions out into the world and have them go beyond our body/aura, send them into the earth and “into the heart of the Divine.”

In Rachel’s case, she practiced manifesting her partner through writing love letters to her future wife, and imagining her heartstrings connecting to her. But – Rachel says that we want to avoid obsessing over the end result of our intentions, because this hyper focuses us on not having that thing yet and will make it hard for us to see when the opportunity from our intentions makes itself known to us (i.e. the soulmate you’ve been conjuring could be standing right in front of you).

(23:43) Fear blocks our magic: Rachel says fear can keep us from accessing the depth of our intuition and keeps us from the clarity of knowing what we want (we may even be afraid of the thing that we want). But the solution is not finding a way to get rid of the fear, but to step into it and go as far into it as you can. Fear is energy. If you tap into that energy and use it as fuel, you can move forward full-speed and make things happen for yourself (tapping into that creative power, as mentioned before). Damona also adds that fear helps you because it tells you when you care about something or someone – if you didn’t feel fear, there would be nothing at stake, but that’s not where the best growth comes from.

(30:56) Knowing your inner Yes and No: If you take away anything from Rachel’s book, she says that honing into your intuition, and knowing your inner Yes and No, can answer any question in life. A lot of this comes from body awareness and taking the time to get to know the cues for what feels right and wrong for you. Because magic is “a body-centered spiritual practice,” having deeper body awareness lets our body be our “divination tool.” And Rachel does an exercise with Damona to practice this:

1. Put your hand on your chest, around your heart area (below the collarbone and above the rib cage).
2. Ask yourself a yes or no question.
3. Feel the way your body reacts to this question, and feel if it is a Yes or No to you.
   • Rachel says that when her body is saying Yes, she will sway or lean forward, like leaning into the question. When her body says No, she will lean backwards and away from the question.
   • Damona says in her body, it feels more like leaning right or left.

Check out Rachel’s book, Modern Day Magic, here!

DEAR DAMONA (37:19)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• Email from Nicholas – Hi Damona, I’ll start by saying I’m a heterosexual 31 year old African American male. Everything is going well for me currently, I got accepted into grad school and I don’t have much problem finding work. Anyway, one thing that’s not happening for me is dating. That’s pretty much nonexistent. Now I do prefer African American women, but I’m open to all ethnicities of women if there’s a spark and sincere interest. But one thing I noticed while being in the dating game even online is that mostly non-black women (read: white) contact me, and these women tend to only have only a high school diploma. Why aren’t I attracting African American women? Offline my experience dating is pretty much the same. I get much more interest from foreign women. Again, missing from this equation is African American women. Why am I having such a hard time dating? Is it that New York doesn’t have a good dating scene, or is it something more baneful? How can I put my best foot forward in terms of showcasing my best person to attract the best mate I can? Thanks.
• Instagram Message from “Not Pleased in New England” – Dear Damona, love your podcast! Here’s a question. I am fully vaccinated and only hang out with a few fully vaccinated friends. In an attempt to meet people organically offline, I was trying to get out more on weekends with these friends. One of them was recently sick with covid symptoms (didn’t tell me), and it turned out she had pneumonia AND covid, and then gave ME symptomatic covid even though we were entirely outdoors (but not 6 feet apart). I live in a multigenerational household and I cannot put everyone through this again. So my question is – how can I even date like this? Use a 6 foot separation stick outdoors until they swear exclusivity??? Hazmat suits?? This is insane. Signed, Not Pleased in New England

Thanks for coming to my talk!

Click below to download a guide to the perfect pitch:

Here is the link to submit for Apple

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YOUR MIND-BODY CONNECTION PLAYS A BIG PART IN YOUR JOURNEY FOR LOVE

You’ve heard me say that initial attraction and chemistry are not indicators of long-term compatibility and that true chemistry will build over time. Today we’re talking about how to build that authentic connection in this fast-paced world with Tziporah Kingsbury. 

She’s a Somatic Intimacy and Human Connection Specialist, author, and breathwork trainer. Trust me, this interview changed the way that I think about mind-body connection and I hope you learn something, too. But first, as always, we have headlines:

DATING DISH (1:26)

(1:26) Singles on the East Coast have it pretty good.

A new study from ApartmentList.com examined Bumble data from 100 US cities to determine the Best Cities for Singles in 2021. They weighed four key factors — dating satisfaction, social satisfaction, dating affordability, and percentage of singles. 

Coming in at number one was Washington DC – with nearly half the city being single – and ranked second was Boston. College towns were also ranked higher for dating, due to the higher than average numbers of marriage-minded singles who stick around town after graduation. 

Hot tip from me to you: Regardless of where your city has ranked on this list, it’s all about using the information you have about your city and harnessing the right tools in your dating plan. You can find love anywhere.

(4:18) Can’t stop oversharing on first dates and then worrying that you overshared?

Don’t worry. According to the New York Times, you are not alone. We tend to overshare when our brain is working overtime to handle emotional strain. If you are managing stress, exhaustion, or nerves, you might find yourself sharing more with an acquaintance than you normally would. 

When you spend all your mental resources managing one thing, you are left with less willpower to manage what you say. The perfect storm for one complicated first date, amiright?

via GIPHY

Fear not! We can avoid these situations by practicing self-control. Here are some tips from NYT and me:

• Check in with how much you’re talking — ask the other person more questions.
• Know which topics you want to talk about, and the topics to avoid. 
• Even if you overshared, you can simply apologize or veer the conversation to a lighter topic.
• Or if THEY have overshared, you can brighten up the mood by extending kindness and compassion by acknowledging what they said — this is an opportunity to practice Empathetic Dating. 
• And above all, remember that information needs to be earned!

TRUST ME, YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG (10:00)

I sit down with Tziporah Kingsbury, somatic intimacy specialist and author of Revolutionizing Intimacy: Navigating Connection in a Disconnected World. You’ve seen her work on The Bachelor where she teaches her clients how to dig deep in their mind-body connection and to use their body intelligence for love. 

Today she’s going to explain how your body seeks connection and how breathwork can help you on your journey to find your soulmate.

(10:58) What is a Somatic Intimacy Specialist?: If therapy is about the mind reacting to our environment, somatic therapy is working with how the body reacts to our environment. According to Tziporah, we hold our history in our body. So how do we become more aware of what we’re storing? That’s where somatic therapy comes in. Tziporah’s big piece of advice is to slow down – when we can slow down enough to be in touch with our physiological responses in the body, we can more clearly identify what’s being stored and where.

(13:19) How to clear the tension we’re holding in our bodies: When we feel tension in our bodies that may be holding us back, we can always realign ourselves by going back to the breath, found in what Tziporah calls our “energy chi.” We can 

(17:54) Creating intimacy without oversharing: The pace of dating has become much quicker these days, which makes authenticity a lot harder to cultivate. So how do we check ourselves to make sure that we are coming from a place of vulnerability and not emotionally dumping? Well vulnerability isn’t about opening the floodgates as quickly as possible – vulnerability is about being authentic, and authenticity is how we become closer to the people that we’re with. So if you’re on a date and you’re extremely nervous, express that to the other person! Tziporah also advises us to do the work to be grounded in who you are, so you don’t need to put your needs on somebody else. That way, instead of asking “do I trust the other person enough to be open with them,” we are asking if we trust ourselves enough to open up.

(23:34) Finding the “yes”: We have so much attachment to the word “no” as rejection, but Tziporah encourages us to use “no” as an opportunity to discover more possibilities of intimacy. A “no” creates a “yes” to something else, and it’s up to us to find what that is. For instance, if you tell your partner “I don’t want to have sex today,” you can both then ask, “what can we do to feel good today?” Hiking, cuddling, drawing together – so many possibilities reveal themselves when you look. And remember, someone’s “no” has nothing to do with you.

(29:29) How do we breathe, anyway?: Tziporah describes that each one of us has a conditioned breath pattern, cultivated in our body based on our life stories. So for us to get back in touch with ourselves, we have to bring the breath back to how it was when we were born – extremely open, effortless, and uncontrolled. We can do this by sitting on a chair with our back supported, placing our palms firmly on the lowest part of the belly, and taking deep, flowing breaths through the mouth. When we let go of controlling the breath, not only does our nervous system feel safer since we are more grounded in our body, but we are able to breathe through whatever pain we are holding. Because “the only reason we control our breath is not to feel.” 

Check out Tziporah’s free gift for Dates & Mates listeners, a chart for emotional literacy and you can join her FB Group here.

DEAR DAMONA (35:57)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• Email from Mel – How do you know when it’s time to move on? I’ve been seeing this guy for five months. I really like him but we don’t see each other as much as I like, and I would like more! And he’s still seeing other people. I know you said slow love, but is it time to move on and stop wasting my time?
• Voice Message from Anonymous – Hi Damona, I’m a single mom and I began dating an amazing guy about a month ago. I feel so connected emotionally in a way that I haven’t before. We joke and say that we’re basically the same person but my concern is that he is a superBachelor. He is about my age, so late thirties, and he’s told me that he’s not sure if he’s ready for a family. His family life was not the best growing up and he said that’s just not anything he really envisioned for himself based on the experiences that he had growing up. So I don’t want to get into a relationship with the expectation that my partner is going to change but I know this is sort of A New Concept for him. I’m okay with giving him a little time to think it through, and he has expressed that he’s open to the idea. But he’s just not sure – my question is how much time is appropriate to give him before I need an answer? There’s a lot of wonderful things about this relationship, but I need someone who will not only accept but love and care for my son, and I just don’t know if I’m setting myself up for heartbreak.