Once upon a time, Damona held a special online summit with some of the top love experts in the world that was just for VIPs and subscribers. For over five years, these conversations have been locked away. But today, we’re sharing a very special interview with the amazing matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson.
We don’t have to tell you that finding a match can be difficult. A lot of pieces have to come together: Are you physically attracted to each other? Do you share goals and values? Do you feel heard? Understood?
But what if we told you that these things were actually the second step in the dating process? (Say whaaat?!) How can there be a step before I even meet someone? Well sit tight, because Paul Carrick Bronson, of Married at First Sight UK, will share his Top 4 Factors when it comes to meeting your match.
**A quick note: At the top of this interview, I mention that I want Paul to share his expertise to help women find their match, but I want to emphasize that the knowledge he is about to share is valuable to people of all genders and orientations. Enjoy!
PAUL CARRICK BRUNSON (2:20)
Paul is a matchmaker, television host, columnist, and host of the podcast, “Better with Paul” where he shares his journey in business, life, and love. He has also appeared as a consultant on Married at First Sight UK, Celebs Go Dating, and as a correspondent on Good Morning America.
(3:00) Factor #1: You just gotta believe.
Paul’s first factor in being able to find your perfect match is belief. Paul believes that what you believe you truly do conceive, which is why cultivating a mindset that is open and optimistic to finding love is so important, and will lead you to success. And in this case, success doesn’t have to mean finding a partner or getting married. Success can just mean that you start to enjoy dating.
Plus, Paul shares a crucial suggestion on how we can empower ourselves to reshape our own belief systems. (Hint: it may involve raising your standards.)
(8:28) Factor #2: Find a love mentor.
The second factor Paul shares is self love. Or, as he defines it, feeling like you could become your ultimate self. “You truly can’t love anyone more than your willingness to love yourself.”
Paul also touches on the difference between self esteem and self love. He says that you can have self esteem in one area of your life, such as your career or health, but this doesn’t necessarily equate to self love. “If any areas [of your life] are lacking and you don’t believe you can become your optimal self in any one of those areas, then you don’t unconditionally love yourself. Because unconditional self love is the aggregate of all of those areas.”
So what steps can we take to create more self love? Paul recommends identifying someone who can be your love mentor, who shares your values and lives their life in a way that inspires you. The second thing he recommends is evaluating each individual section of your life (family, career, health, spirituality, etc) and ask yourself, “do I feel like I’m on the pathway to becoming my best self in each of these categories?” If the answer is no in any category, then start to examine what is the roadblock preventing you from becoming your optimal self in that category.
(16:50) Factor #3: Physically attractive vs physical attraction.
Physical attraction may seem like a more superficial requirement in finding a partner. But Paul states that over his 15 years of consulting, the data very clearly shows that if there is not a minimal level of physical attraction early in the relationship (i.e. within the first two hours of meeting someone), chances are nothing else will matter.
Paul goes on to clarify the difference between physical attraction and being physically attractive. Being physically attractive is based on a lot of objective factors – facial symmetry, how much they remind us of our parents, the cadence of their voice, and scent (and we’re talking pheromones, not Old Spice). But having physical attraction to someone isn’t something we can decide on, it’s something that just is.
Plus, Paul gives Damona the two questions you should ask yourself to determine if you should go on a second date.
(22:40) Factor #4: Your values are the rulebook to your life.
Paul’s fourth and final factor for finding your perfect match is having shared values. (Sound familiar?) Paul sees our values as being the rulebook to our life. And if someone can’t live by the rules of your life or you theirs – meaning you have very few shared values – how are you going to fit into each other’s lives?
Additionally, Paul says that your values are never what you say they are. Your values are your actions. They can only be evaluated by how your actions are reflected back to you from the people in your life.
**There is no Dear Damona in this episode. We will continue answering your dating dilemmas during Season 10 of Dates & Mates, airing August 23.