It’s that time of year… Mariah Carey has her Santa hat on and Starbucks has changed their cup color to red.
The holidays are a magical moment when family comes together and people celebrate. But the same things that make it so great can create some strain – like cramped spaces, a little too much booze and overly nosey visitors.
You know what you need my friend? Boundaries. Both to make it through the crush of cuffing season and to make it through another holiday with well-intentioned family and friends.
And that’s why we have relationship and recovery coach Dufflyn Lammers joining Damona this week. She’ll be outlining how to set healthy boundaries with your loved ones AND dates so you can have a happy and healthy holiday season.
DATING DISH (1:55)
Just FYI, your fourth date should absolutely be a day-date.
A new article from Cosmopolitan Magazine gives several reasons to go for the day-date during your fourth meetup. Firstly, the fourth date is still early enough that if red flags come up during the date, you can make your exit. The day-date also provides less pressure to dress to perfection or play up the sex appeal. And unless you’re doing mimosas for brunch, you can’t hide behind alcohol during a day-date. You can also escape that pre-date anxiety since you’re not waiting around all day.
Damona is a fan for a different reason – the day-date gives you a deeper understanding of your matches’ personality. The goal of the first three dates is to give and receive as much authenticity as possible. So going out for lunch, coffee, a hike etc. is more likely to create opportunities for connection than hiding behind a few drinks.
Additionally, Damona gives tips for why activity dates (aka bowling, mini golf, hiking) can play a role in feeling more attracted to your match…
**REMINDER: Our big cuffing season giveaway with OkCupid is still on through December 15!!! Just share this episode or your fav episode of Dates and Mates to social media, then tag Damona (@damonahoffman) and OkCupid (@okcupid) for a chance to win three FREE months of OKCupid Premium.
DUFFLYN LAMMERS (10:55)
Dufflyn Lammers is a relationship and recovery coach with over 10 years of experience. More specifically, she’s trained in attachment repair, tantra, intervention, and personal coaching.
She has published and performed for the LA Times, In The Rooms, The Fix, She Recovers Foundation, The International Conference on Addiction and Associated Disorders, National Association for Poetry Therapy, HBO, NBC, and the Hollywood Fringe Festival.
(12:00) Learn to voice your expectations.
Defining our boundaries can take time, but as Dufflyn observes, “that’s the big thing that boundaries give us is an opportunity to be our authentic selves.”
When we know our boundaries but don’t express them, we often end up in situations where we feel disrespected or betrayed. But how can the other person have an opportunity to show up for us if we don’t let them know what we expect? Set up your expectation, and THEN see how that person shows up.
(16:36) Boundaries are gates, not walls.
We set up boundaries around others to protect ourselves and make us feel safe, right? But that doesn’t mean we can’t be flexible. Dufflyn compares boundaries as being alike to gates rather than walls, which more easily allow us to come together with another human who isn’t us. “When two people come together, there’s always negotiation. We say these are my standards and boundaries and these are the other person’s. Do they match?”
Dufflyn also maps the different levels of boundaries, and explains how setting boundaries is a kind thing to do for ourselves AND other people.
(23:25) The MOST common myths about boundaries.
The top misconception Dufflyn hears about boundaries is that maintaining boundaries will hurt people’s feelings. “The truth is when we stop pleasing people, people aren’t pleased, right? But the fact that they’re not pleased doesn’t mean that we should trash our boundaries. It might actually mean the opposite – that this was overdue. Or that they’re uncomfortable.”
Damona asks if there’s a right and wrong way to express our boundaries. There is no right and wrong way, but only the most compassionate way. Dufflyn’s strategy is to “top and tail” your boundary. A.K.A. Top it (acknowledge the other person), then express your boundary, and finally tail it (how you will take action or collaborate with the other person).
(31:24) Let’s regulate these emotions…
One of the biggest obstacles we may face when setting boundaries is unregulated emotions. Because it’s really hard to place a boundary when family members or other people are pushing against them, right? Dufflyn adds, “If you’ve got two people that are both dysregulated, they’re not going to be able to regulate one another, which is the primary way that we find regulation, right? It’s co-regulation with another person.”
So how do we emotionally regulate in those moments? By having a few people who we can rely on to help us emotionally regulate, rather than relying solely on our partners, matches or a family member. Not sure who to call? Dufflyn likes to imagine the conversation ahead of time. She says, “Before I dial, I think, will this person make me feel regulated?”
Be sure to follow Dufflyn on Instagram @Dufflyn. Dufflyn has also created a FREE guide for Dates & Mates listeners – The 8 Top Tips for Getting Through the Holidays With Boundaries.
And if you want to work with Dufflyn ASAP, her new workshop Boundaries Are The New Black is going LIVE on Saturday December 17, 2022 at 7PM CET.
DEAR DAMONA (40:48)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- Email from Anonymous – Dear Damona, I am a 25 year old female and I have been putting a lot of effort into online dating recently and have been challenging myself to go on at least one date per week. So far there is one trend that I run into a lot while talking to men online and that is they don’t ask me questions about myself. I will ask them a question like what is your favorite genre of music for example and they will respond with a long paragraph but then not think to ask me the question in return. It really frustrates me because I feel as though this is a lack of awareness and interest in me and it really turns me off. It really is a dealbreaker. Am I overreacting? Is there a way I can communicate this without sounding overly negative and judgmental? I don’t know what to do and I am tired of carrying the conversation and not getting the same effort in return. Thank you!
Drew’s Love Bug: Audience Dating Dilemmas
The Drew Barrymore Show is back for another edition of Drew Love! From not texting back to talking about exes on a first date, one of the topics that Damona is asked about most are red flags. So it’s fitting that in this segment, Damona and Drew listen to the audience’s dating dilemmas to evaluate the red flags in THEIR dating lives.
See the full segment here…
This Is Supposed to Be Fun & Conflict Styles
Dating is a journey – a process of trial and error, learning, vulnerability, compromise. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile is. The most important thing is that you enjoy yourself along the way.
And that’s why we have certified clinical sexologist and sex & dating coach Myisha Battle joining Damona today. She will be talking about her new book, “It’s Supposed To Be Fun: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.”
DATING DISH (1:34)
Can thinking about your ex improve your relationship?:
It seems logical that thinking about your ex while in a relationship is a bad sign, right? Well Best Life Magazine says this may actually improve your current relationship. A new study in the European Journal of Social Psychology focused on “the potential positive influence” of former romantic partners. Study participants were instructed to reflect on a past relationship, particularly focusing on “nostalgic memories.”
Damona dives deeper into the results of the study, how nostalgia works in our prefrontal cortex, and why we should bring nostalgia into ANY first date scenario.
MYISHA BATTLE (12:05)
Myisha Battle a certified clinical sexologist, sex & dating coach, educator, and speaker. Her work has been featured in national print and online outlets such as the Washington Post, New York Magazine’s The Cut, Refinery29, Oprah Magazine, the San Francisco Chronicle, Playboy, Nylon, and more. Plus, her newest book is called “THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.”
(13:45) “Hooking up” is not the same as dating.
One of the most common thoughts Myisha encounters from her clients is that having fun in dating usually equates to hooking up with your date. As Myisha points out, “I wanted to recognize that a major focus for people dating is to try to gather sexual experiences. But again, I think hooking up – that fun part – is mistaken for like the whole of dating.”
Myisha also goes over what it means to be intentional with your dating life. Plus, how you can identify your sexual values – AKA finding the exact right words to describe what you’re looking for.
(23:47) Are their words and actions aligned?
Damona asks Myisha for clarity on reading between the lines in someone’s dating profile. Like, what does it exactly mean when someone says they’re looking for *blank* but “open to possibilities”?
Myisha brings up that famous Maya Angelou quote – “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time” – and states that people will usually reveal themselves and their true intentions through the dating process. There are times when their words and actions aren’t aligned, and if this happens then that can be a conversation you have with your match.
(29:19) The pros and cons of the “sex buddy.”
There is a whole section in Myisha’s book, This Is Supposed To Be Fun, about the varying ways of having a sex buddy. Damona brings up the point that a sex buddy has the potential to be a bit of a crutch to avoid being more intentional in dating, and Myisha acknowledges that there can be an unhealthy component in hanging on to somebody for too long.
But in her book, Myisha purposefully refers to the sex buddy as a gift in order to destigmatize the judgment around casual relationships. As Myisha puts it, “just because this is a sexual connection, it’s still a connection, it’s an exchange… there’s an energetic exchange I get from you and you get for me, so it’s a relationship of sorts.”
(34:52) How to communicate using S-B-I
SBI – or Situation, Behavior, Impact – is a communication technique that Myisha says she picked up during managerial training in a former life. Basically, you state the situation (i.e. the facts), you name the behavior that you were affected by, and then describe the impact it had on you.
Myisha clarifies that the SBI model is a really helpful framework to filter our emotions through, particularly when pre-breakup thoughts start to creep in. “So it can be a way to start those conversations. And to get into the weeds a little bit with people. No matter how early or late things have been going on, it’s just a good way to organize your thoughts and to be able to give that feedback in a way that feels authentic to you.”
Be sure to follow Myisha on Instagram @myishabattle and check out her book – This Is Supposed to Be Fun: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.
DEAR DAMONA (42:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from Tayba – Dear Damona, love your podcast. You mentioned that there’s 4 key compatibility markers, one of them being conflict resolution. Would you explain the different styles of conflict resolution in one of your episodes, as well as how to identify your own/your date’s style?
ANNOUNCEMENT!
Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time with live session starting WEDNESDAY 1/25. This is your LAST CALL to get Damona’s direct support on developing your dating plan for 2023. Grab one of the last remaining seats today at TheDatingSecret.com
Savage Love & Hookup Hangup
The rules of dating have changed! But you know that. We’ve been shouting it from the rooftop for 10 years now.
While many of our parents and grandparents adhered to strict gender roles, monogamy and a typical relationship timeline (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage), WE are building relationships that suit our lifestyles.
For example, non-monogamy is on the rise! Since last year, there has been a 42% increase in mentions of “ENM” or “ethical non-monogamy” on OkCupid profiles. There has also been an increase in the number of married couples who “Live Apart Together” – folks in committed relationships who live in separate homes. And according to the Census Bureau, the percentage of people in these LAT relationships increased by more than 25 percent between 2000 and 2019.
Based on our inbox, y’all have a lot of questions about how to make your relationship dream a reality (even if it includes a non-traditional arrangement). So we brought in the big dog today – THE Dan Savage is here with us. He’s the host of the Savage Lovecast and the long-running column, Savage Love. Dan will be talking about writing the rules of your own relationship and answering your love questions in a special Dear Damona segment!
DATING DISH (2:56)
If you clap when planes land, your partner might break up with you:
Hold onto your “icks” ladies and gentlemen, we’re about to dive into dating dealbreakers. A study commissioned by the dating site Seeking discovered that out of 2,000 adults, over half (65%) have ended a relationship because of an ick. What is an ick, you ask? It is a specific and possibly non conventional trait that turns someone off (i.e. “they gave me the ick”).
Damona goes over the most prominent icks from the survey – including bad body odor, clapping when your plane lands, and being obsessed with astrology (LOL since Dates & Mates just did a whole episode about astrology). Do you have an ick? 👀
DAN SAVAGE (13:06)
Dan Savage is an American author, media pundit, journalist, and LGBT community activist.
He is the author of “Savage Love,” a sex-advice column, which first appeared in The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly, in 1991. The column is now syndicated across the United States and Canada.
Dan is also the host of the podcast The Savage Lovecast, where he answers your sex questions and talks politics, and the author of multiple books including his most recent one, “Savage Love from A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras.”
(15:54) Dating dinosaurs.
Damona and Dan have many things in common, but the biggest is that they’re both veterans of the professional dating scene for 15+ years. Damona asks Dan what he’s seen as the biggest changes in dating and relationships during his career. Surprisingly, Dan responds that the question – “am I normal?” – is a thing of the past.
(22:21) The non-monogamous spectrum.
Damona brings up an interview that Dan did on the Death, Sex and Money Podcast with Anna Sale, in which Dan brought up the difference between non-monogamy and cheating.
Dan states that monogamy is a spectrum, and that you CAN in fact be cheated on in a non-monogamous relationship (just as you would a monogamous one). He also shares the kinds of feelings you may be having if you’re non-monogamous at heart (and how to have the “I’m non-monogamous” conversation).
Be sure to follow Dan on Instagram @DanSavage and to check out his book “Savage Love from A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras.” You can find his podcast, Savage Lovecast, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.
DEAR DAMONA (33:10)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
ANNOUNCEMENT!
Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time starting the week of January 23rd. If you want to find love in 2023, this is your moment! Want to learn more? Check out the free intro class on Wednesday January 18th at 4pm PT/ 7pm ET. You can sign up for that at DamonaHoffman.com/freeclass
New York Times: Is texting now its own art form?
In the dating world, crafting the perfect message is its own art form.
According to Damona Hoffman, a dating coach based in Los Angeles and New York and a host of the Dates & Mates Podcast, many people get stuck in what she calls “textationships.” Texting has become its own phase of dating, she said, and her program, “The Dating Accelerator,” which costs $1,297 and combines live coaching sessions and video lessons, teaches people how to avoid it.
Ms. Hoffman said it’s not surprising people are struggling. While many people love texting for speed and efficiency, there’s a lot of room for misinterpretation. And asking friends for advice can also open up a can of worms. Though one friend might tell you to delay a response so you don’t seem too eager, another may encourage you to double text someone to show you’re interested. Confusion ensues.
Read more about is affecting communication here…
Love Astrology & Main Character Energy
It’s week two of 2023 and Peak Dating Season is going strong! Plus Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, so it’s not surprising to hear that many of you are looking for love in the new year.
Luckily there are more tools than ever to help you in your search. You can create a vision board to roadmap what you want in love and life (as Damona covered in the last episode of 2022). You can refresh your dating profile regularly to boost you in the search algorithms. You can even let your friends know that you are looking for a date and ask for support in your search.
But – did you know that you can look to the stars for more information on your dating future? (Say what?! It’s true.) Astrology can be a powerful tool in predicting the compatibility and timing for when your stars will align to find love…
Today we have one of Damona’s dear friends and mentors joining Dates & Mates, Vedic astrologer and relationship coach Carol Allen. She’s going to help us understand the stars of 2023 and compatibility as it relates to someone else’s astrological imprint.
DATING DISH (2:38)
The biggest dating trends of 2023 (according to dating app experts):
Women’s Health recently published a full deep dive into the dating trends of 2023. And according to dating app experts, this year will be all about *main character energy* as people become more certain about their deal breakers and self worth. Not only that, the article mentions shifts in dating culture such as leaning into vulnerability (Damona talks about this in her episode with one of the hottest multi-platform content creators, Chris Thompson), open conversations about non-monogamy, and budget conscious dates (Damona goes over money-friendly date ideas with financial author Nicole Lapin.)
Damona dives deeper into each oncoming trend and shares some hard-hitting stats.
CAROL ALLEN (10:35)
Carol Allen is a Vedic astrologer, a relationship coach and Damona’s mentor. She is the author of “Love Is In The Stars – The Wise Woman’s Astrological Guide To Men.” Carol has been featured on E!, Bridezillas, EXTRA, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers and in Chicken Soup For The Soul, Woman’s World, and Daily Candy.
(If your a fan of Dr. Drew’s, like Damona, listen to his Dates & Mates episode titled “Dr. Drew & The Big 400” here.)
(11:53) Is Vedic astrology just like any astrology?
When many of us think of astrology, our minds immediately go to those Cosmopolitan, back-of-the-magazine type of readings. But Vedic astrology, which Carol studies (originating in ancient India) follows a different criteria. Before all the compatibility details, Carol suggests first looking at the capacity of your partner – i.e. do you have the capacity for being in a relationship in the first place? How conscientious are you? How supportive are you? How present are you? How empathetic are you?
Carol dives further into defining low capacity people, and how timing plays another huge part in compatibility.
(23:01) Lunar eclipses influence marriage??
Carol touches upon the marriages of Drew Barrymore, Jen & Brad (Aniston and Pitt, of course) and shares how the stars determined the fates of their marriages (hint: both happened around a lunar eclipse). Plus, Carol gives an IN DEPTH reading of Damona’s wedding day, and how her and Seth were astrologically set up for success.
(31:48) Your calendar affects the outcome.
We all like to look to astrology for things like compatibility, life purpose, and personal information. But we forget how the stars can sway things like the success of a job interview, asking someone out, the best time to buy a house, when to have an important conversation – you name it. Carol explains how she maps things out for her clients using her special model of calendar, the Personal Success Calendar..
Be sure to follow on Instagram @CarolAllenAstrologer AND for a limited time you can get your Personal Success Calendar at a huge discount at damonahoffman.com/mycalendar.
DEAR DAMONA (36:36)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Email from C – I am 62 and he is 71. 3 months together and lots of kissing, chemistry and common interests. Yet, he has made no moves toward intimacy. Should I say something? Try to seduce? Or just wait it out?
ANNOUNCEMENT!
Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time starting the week of January 23rd. If you want to find love in 2023, this is your moment! Hear new success stories and see how the program can change your love life too at TheDatingSecret.com
Access Daily: The Dating Dictionary
Ah, cuffing season. A time for building a fire, snuggling up with some hot coco… apparently finding someone to do it all with.
If you didn’t know, cuffing season = the few wintery months of the year where cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become more lonely and eager for partnership.
And speaking of definitions, what better way to prep for cuffing season than to be caught up on the latest dating terminology? Lucky for us, Damona is back on Access Daily for another “Dating Dictionary” with special guest and recent Masked Singer winner Amber Riley!! Watch what happens below.
Your Guide To “Dating Sunday”
Happy 2023 everyone!!! The new year signifies change and rebirth for many of us. It’s a time of reflection and growth, a time when we are reminded to look forward to the future, to appreciate the small moments, and refresh our goals. You can almost feel the excitement and anticipation in the air.
But after kissing the holiday season goodbye, we’re kicking off peak dating season with another *unofficial* holiday… Dating Sunday! If you haven’t heard of this infamous day before, here’s a refresher:
n. Dating Sunday = The time of year when dating apps see the biggest spike in new members & user activity (this year it’s on January 8th)
If you’ve been frustrated with dating apps in the past and/or the kind of matches you’ve gotten, Dating Sunday is the perfect time to try for Round 2. Everyone is HOT off of their new years resolutions (for many which is to join a dating app) and are ready for a restart. So if you’ve been on apps before, the pool of people will be completely different.
But if you’re still hesitant, try joining an app you’ve never tried before! Some apps use the swipe model, while other apps like Hinge let you “heart” something specific on a profile. You might find that the design of a certain dating app will make finding matches much more fun.
So if you’re ready to jump back into the dating pool, here are some hot tips to make your profile POP:
1. REFRESH YOUR PROFILE – Use Damona’s “3 C’s” to pick your profile photos. Color to stand out (red is always a solid choice), context to tell your story, and character to show off your dazzling personality.
2. ANSWER MORE MATCHING QUESTIONS – Daters are matching based on values, beliefs and relationship goals more than ever so whether you want to have kids, you’re pansexual or you’re kinda kinky, don’t be afraid to say so.
3. PROOFREAD – OkCupid users say they’re 75% less likely to respond to a profile with a lot of spelling mistakes.
4. KEEP IT POSITIVE – Profiles with phrases like “pass on me if” get fewer messages than those that don’t. Eliminate any demands about what your new partner must do or cannot do. Cut the rants about how you’re tired of getting messages from losers, because you might be turning the off the bad guys AND the good guys.
5. DON’T BE AFRAID TO MESSAGE FIRST – More and more women are making the first move. And according to OkCupid, women who send the first message get 55% more likes (and almost 60% more matches) than those who don’t. Plus, conversations initiated by women last longer than those started by men.
6. PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE – 93% of Hinge users look for emotional vulnerability in a partner, and 61% rank emotional vulnerability as more important than income, height, or even attractiveness. So let’s say goodbye to playing it cool in 2023 – if you really like someone, tell them!
7. MAKE EVERY WORD COUNT– The only thing worse than an empty profile bare is a profile that could double as a novel. Thin out your profile and make it more readable. Try including a headline for each key part of your life that you want to dedicate a sentence to.
I hope you’re feeling ready and FIRED UP for Dating Sunday! Let’s get out there and make some new connections… Happy dating!!!
P.S. Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time starting the week of January 23rd. If you want to find love in 2023, this is your moment!! Hear new success stories and see how the program can change your love life too at TheDatingSecret.com. 👈👈
Dear Damona: New Year, New Boo & Dating Sunday Too
Welcome back to Dates & Mates AND welcome to 2023!!!
The new year signifies change and rebirth for many of us. It’s a time of reflection and growth, a time when so many people are looking towards the future. And this energy is almost palpable in the number of emails, texts, voice memos and voicemails that we’ve accrued this season.
This is the season for love. Dating Sunday is upon us and this year it falls on Sunday, Jan 8th. (If you need a refresher, Dating Sunday is the time when dating apps see the biggest spike in new members & user activity.)
So we’ve decided to dedicate the first episode of 2023 ENTIRELY to your questions – it’s an all-Dear Damona episode!
ALL-DEAR DAMONA (1:46)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on the show! Here’s what listeners asked about this week:
(1:46) Email from D – I am a 28-year old woman who recently moved to a new city one year ago. Recently, I have been having terrible issues with guys not following through on plans. There’s the old rule – “if a guy is interested, he’ll let you know, you won’t have to guess.” I rarely text guys first and if they don’t follow up, I don’t either. Is this a smart approach?
(9:05) IG Message from Tamara – Hi Damona! I love your podcast. I met this guy on a dating app and we connected right away. He asked me on a first date, but then told me how to dress for the date including how to wear my hair and what lipstick to wear. This is a turnoff to me. I am not a Barbie doll and I think I can plan my own outfits. Is this a red flag?
(12:08) IG Message from J – I currently live in Denver, but I’m moving to Seattle at the end of this month. Is it okay to start matching and connecting with people on Hinge before I arrive as long as I’m honest about not being there yet? And how to keep a connection alive and not disappoint people that I’m still in the process of moving there?
(17:12) Voice Memo from Princess – I just turned 21 and I’m on several introductory dating apps. I’m wanting a meaningful long term relationship and I am only looking for matches who want the same. But I’m finding that some of these guys who say they want a relationship or either back off from that, or say they’re just checking it out. Of course, it’s fine to not know what you want. But I think they should say that. Am I being too hard on them? Or are these men emotionally catfishing me?
**Check out the question above for a refresher on Damona’s 4 Components of Long-Term Compatibility.
(23:56) Text from Anon – Should I list that I have a child on my dating profile? What are the pros and cons of doing so or not doing so?
(27:02) Email from A – I’m in my mid-thirties and was diagnosed with some health issues in my late twenties-early thirties. I am in decent shape and one wouldn’t know by looking at me that I’m dealing with any health issues. I’m actively dating and am starting to notice that average dating questions around lifestyle choices (exercising, diet etc.) trigger me. Is there a way for me to politely or playfully decline or pivot from answering these questions until I am comfortable sharing?
ANNOUNCEMENT!
Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time starting the week of January 23rd. If you want to find love in 2023, this is your moment! Hear new success stories and see how the program can change your love life too at TheDatingSecret.com
Minisode: How to Make a Vision Board
Happy almost new year!!! Around this time, we start to get a bunch of new questions and Dates & Mates listeners. As we all reflect on starting the new year off fresh, finding a partner to do life with often becomes a top priority for people. And we want to support you in that process.
That is why Damona’s Dating Accelerator Program always begins with clarifying your mindset. (I know, easy to say but harder to do.) There are various tools you can use: visualization, journaling, writing narratives, creating ideal scenes… AND designing vision boards.
In today’s minisode, Damona will talk you through how to design a vision board. It’s okay if you’ve never made one (and okay if you’ve never heard of one). Basically, vision boards creatively act as a roadmap for your life. And most times, putting elements together on a board is a really powerful tool to manifest what you want.
DESIGNING YOUR VISION BOARD
Everyone has something hard wired called “confirmation bias” – AKA the tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of one’s existing beliefs or theories.
Your confirmation bias can be your downfall if you let it add up to a negative hypothesis. But what happens if you foresee a positive outcome? That is what a Vision Board trains your brain to do.
So let’s get started!
You’ll need a piece of poster board, scissors, glue and a stack of magazines.
Still unsure of where to start? Listen to the end of the minisode (13:30) where Damona answers the most common vision board FAQs…
P.S. Don’t forget that Early Bird Enrollment is now open for the next round of my signature program: The Dating Accelerator!
Get $300 off now through Dec. 31st with the code EARLYBIRD
See testimonial videos, understand how my system changes lives and get on the road to a healthy relationship in the new year at TheDatingSecret.com
Relationship Science & Dating Cancellations
Y’all know that we LOVE statistics and science here at Dates & Mates, so why not squeeze in some more data before the end of the year?
Today Damona is dishing with award-winning international dating and relationship expert (and the same person who gave Damona her certification in coaching!!) – Hunt Ethridge. He’ll be breaking down some new science in the relationship and dating space, so you can hack the dating game once and for all.
DATING DISH (1:50)
Canceling plans because you’re not feeling body confident? Let’s talk about it.
A new survey from a company called Wild Dose (who make products for belly & gut health) revealed that men are more likely than women to back out of a date when they aren’t feeling body confident.
More specifically, the research showed that 25% of men will avoid sex when feeling self conscious, compared to 22% of women. And 1 in 10 men admitted they’ve canceled on a date last minute when not feeling body confident due to stomach issues such as bloating.
Damona makes two arguments based on this data. Firstly, that we should all be trusting our gut a lot more when it comes to dating. (Yeah, butterflies are a thing. But maybe what you’re feeling has to do more with intuition than nerves.) And secondly, that we all need to practice being more respectful of our date’s time when canceling plans. Damona also shares her sure-fire formula to avoid being canceled on.
HUNT ETHRIDGE (11:30)
Hunt Ethridge is an award-winning international dating and relationship expert with over 15 years experience.
Hunt is the co-founder of The Matchmaking Business Academy, which will educate and mentor matchmakers and dating coaches at all levels of their career. He has also been featured in CNN, The New York Times, Playboy and GQ.
(12:08) Where we are now…
There have been several milestone shifts with dating culture in the last 15 years. But most all of them fall under how we communicate – Tinder and swipe app technology increased the speed of communication, and texting became the primary mode of communication in dating. So how can we continue to use these tools as a means of connection, rather than letting them become obstacles to connection? Hunt gives his hot take.
(19:30) Authenticity pays off!
We talk about authenticity a lot on Dates & Mates and learning to show up as your authentic self. But Hunt clarifies. He says that it’s about being your *best* authentic self. “Sometimes people think oversharing or being unedited is authenticity, and that’s not necessarily what it means… I could sit here with greasy hair and a ripped t-shirt and that would be authentic because I look like that sometimes. But it’s not going to be the authentic that will work the best for you in a dating situation.”
So can we redefine what it means to be authentic? Hunt shares his thoughts…
(26:38) The science of self-disclosure
Hunt dives into a study he read recently about the science of over-sharing, which some may see as self-disclosure or being vulnerable. According to the research, your date’s response to self-disclosure works out more favorably and creates more connection when the other party values openness and vulnerability themselves.
Hunt also explains the ways in which we are wired to mirror each other (and the varied ways that mirroring shows up).
(36:04) What if Stranger Danger was wrong?
Another study? Heck yes! Hunt shares some research he found that describes how positive interactions with strangers, however minor, predict a greater subjective well being. “It boils down to if I smile at you, you’re gonna smile back. And if I see your smile, hopefully it makes me feel warm and fuzzy. And so I kind of created a feedback loop.”
Plus, Damona and Hunt dive deeper into this concept of “reciprocal altruism”.
(36:04) What does it take to date offline?
Online dating has its obstacles, no doubt. And I know many of us are itching to ditch the apps altogether and solely date offline. But keep in mind – dating offline will require us to do more of the work to see results.
A tip from Hunt to ease your transition into offline dating… Instead of asking each other logical questions like “how was your day,” try asking more emotional questions that will access their more positive emotions. What was your favorite thing about this weekend? What was the best thing about where you grew up? When was the last time you had a win at work? What was the best prank you saw in college?
Be sure to follow Hunt on Instagram @QuestforAdvice and check out HuntforAdvice.com for more information.
DEAR DAMONA (52:55)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Boundary Bubble & Fourth Date Day
It’s that time of year… Mariah Carey has her Santa hat on and Starbucks has changed their cup color to red.
The holidays are a magical moment when family comes together and people celebrate. But the same things that make it so great can create some strain – like cramped spaces, a little too much booze and overly nosey visitors.
You know what you need my friend? Boundaries. Both to make it through the crush of cuffing season and to make it through another holiday with well-intentioned family and friends.
And that’s why we have relationship and recovery coach Dufflyn Lammers joining Damona this week. She’ll be outlining how to set healthy boundaries with your loved ones AND dates so you can have a happy and healthy holiday season.
DATING DISH (1:55)
Just FYI, your fourth date should absolutely be a day-date.
A new article from Cosmopolitan Magazine gives several reasons to go for the day-date during your fourth meetup. Firstly, the fourth date is still early enough that if red flags come up during the date, you can make your exit. The day-date also provides less pressure to dress to perfection or play up the sex appeal. And unless you’re doing mimosas for brunch, you can’t hide behind alcohol during a day-date. You can also escape that pre-date anxiety since you’re not waiting around all day.
Damona is a fan for a different reason – the day-date gives you a deeper understanding of your matches’ personality. The goal of the first three dates is to give and receive as much authenticity as possible. So going out for lunch, coffee, a hike etc. is more likely to create opportunities for connection than hiding behind a few drinks.
Additionally, Damona gives tips for why activity dates (aka bowling, mini golf, hiking) can play a role in feeling more attracted to your match…
**REMINDER: Our big cuffing season giveaway with OkCupid is still on through December 15!!! Just share this episode or your fav episode of Dates and Mates to social media, then tag Damona (@damonahoffman) and OkCupid (@okcupid) for a chance to win three FREE months of OKCupid Premium.
DUFFLYN LAMMERS (10:55)
Dufflyn Lammers is a relationship and recovery coach with over 10 years of experience. More specifically, she’s trained in attachment repair, tantra, intervention, and personal coaching.
She has published and performed for the LA Times, In The Rooms, The Fix, She Recovers Foundation, The International Conference on Addiction and Associated Disorders, National Association for Poetry Therapy, HBO, NBC, and the Hollywood Fringe Festival.
(12:00) Learn to voice your expectations.
Defining our boundaries can take time, but as Dufflyn observes, “that’s the big thing that boundaries give us is an opportunity to be our authentic selves.”
When we know our boundaries but don’t express them, we often end up in situations where we feel disrespected or betrayed. But how can the other person have an opportunity to show up for us if we don’t let them know what we expect? Set up your expectation, and THEN see how that person shows up.
(16:36) Boundaries are gates, not walls.
We set up boundaries around others to protect ourselves and make us feel safe, right? But that doesn’t mean we can’t be flexible. Dufflyn compares boundaries as being alike to gates rather than walls, which more easily allow us to come together with another human who isn’t us. “When two people come together, there’s always negotiation. We say these are my standards and boundaries and these are the other person’s. Do they match?”
Dufflyn also maps the different levels of boundaries, and explains how setting boundaries is a kind thing to do for ourselves AND other people.
(23:25) The MOST common myths about boundaries.
The top misconception Dufflyn hears about boundaries is that maintaining boundaries will hurt people’s feelings. “The truth is when we stop pleasing people, people aren’t pleased, right? But the fact that they’re not pleased doesn’t mean that we should trash our boundaries. It might actually mean the opposite – that this was overdue. Or that they’re uncomfortable.”
Damona asks if there’s a right and wrong way to express our boundaries. There is no right and wrong way, but only the most compassionate way. Dufflyn’s strategy is to “top and tail” your boundary. A.K.A. Top it (acknowledge the other person), then express your boundary, and finally tail it (how you will take action or collaborate with the other person).
(31:24) Let’s regulate these emotions…
One of the biggest obstacles we may face when setting boundaries is unregulated emotions. Because it’s really hard to place a boundary when family members or other people are pushing against them, right? Dufflyn adds, “If you’ve got two people that are both dysregulated, they’re not going to be able to regulate one another, which is the primary way that we find regulation, right? It’s co-regulation with another person.”
So how do we emotionally regulate in those moments? By having a few people who we can rely on to help us emotionally regulate, rather than relying solely on our partners, matches or a family member. Not sure who to call? Dufflyn likes to imagine the conversation ahead of time. She says, “Before I dial, I think, will this person make me feel regulated?”
Be sure to follow Dufflyn on Instagram @Dufflyn. Dufflyn has also created a FREE guide for Dates & Mates listeners – The 8 Top Tips for Getting Through the Holidays With Boundaries.
And if you want to work with Dufflyn ASAP, her new workshop Boundaries Are The New Black is going LIVE on Saturday December 17, 2022 at 7PM CET.
DEAR DAMONA (40:48)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Holiday Boundaries & an OkCupid GIVEAWAY!!!
The holiday season is upon us.
And you know what that means? Tons of questions from your family, asking, “Why are you still single??” But you don’t have to take it.
First of all, your dating journey is your own and doesn’t need to be explained to ANYONE. We really need to protect our mental health during this time, because in these cold winter months a lot of people do suffer from seasonal affective disorder. It’s a real thing – our serotonin levels drop and we start to feel depressed. And when you couple that with cuffing season + parents asking about grandkids + New Year’s resolutions + Valentine’s Day is coming… it’s all a little bit too much.
So hold your boundaries right now. And if you do get asked about your love life, just turn it around. “I am choosing to live my life with these priorities and when I find the right relationship for me, I’ll let you know.”
But if you ARE on a mission to get boo’ed up this Winter:
Damona is partnering up with OKCupid to give away 30 three-month Premium Memberships to OkCupid! That’s 3 months FREE of Premium access to OkCupid. Or maybe just get cuffed for the season, whatever it is that you want.
And it’s super easy for you to enter now through December 15. All you’ve got to do is:
The giveaway ends DECEMBER 15, so start listening HERE to find your favorite episode of Dates & Mates. And don’t forget to tag @DamonaHoffman and @OkCupid on Instagram, Twitter or Facebook so you can be one of the lucky cuffing season giveaway recipients.
We’re confident that you have what it takes to find your forever person this year.