Must Love Dogs & Overcoming Insecurity

YOU GET 3 DEAL BREAKERS. THAT’S IT.

Today we at dates and mates are asking the question: are your deal breakers really all that important?

Damona always says you get 3 must have qualities in your list of things you want in a partner, but some of y’all need a little reminder as to what that really means.

What really counts as a deal breaker? They’re too short? Too tall? He doesn’t like dogs? She’s allergic to cats?

Lisa Bonos is here to help! She is the current dating and relationships reporter at the Washington Post and has her finger on the pulse of the American dating scene — or the heartbeat, as she says it.

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But first, we have headlines. Lovers, are you ready? Let’s dish!

DATING DISH (2:05)

(2:05) Maskne got you down?

Mask Acne – it’s a real thing. If you feel like your skin has seen better days, you’re not alone.

Many people feel their self-confidence has taken a hit since the start of the pandemic, whether it be from maskne or the nerves of having to talk to people in person during skin breakouts.

Lovers, this article is clearly advertorial and FULL DISCLOSURE: Damona IS NOT promoting this brand. However, the survey taken by OnePoll did uncover some interesting info about American attitudes towards the correlation between skincare and confidence.

More than ¼ of respondents have cancelled a date because of a breakout. Of the 2,000 people who took the survey, 45% have begun wearing heavier makeup than usual, and 48% say they’ve turned off their camera during a video call. Damona gives her thoughts on self care and confidence.

In the meantime, check out the study here.

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(5:50) How long does it really take to fall in love?

Damona hears this question all the time. Like… at least once a day. While Damona has a general idea based on years of dating coaching, she can’t always give a straightforward answer. 

Finally, this article from New Scientist has compiled all of the studies done on love timelines. Disclaimer: it turns out that most of these studies were done on heterosexual couples.

A study from YouGove says the average time for men to fall in love is 88 days, and for women it’s 134 days. An Elite Singles poll from 2017 says 61% of women believe in love at first sight, while 72% of men do.

That said, Damona is a fan of SLOW LOVE. We all want to know what the timeline should be, but the fact is that everyone is on their own specific timelines. 

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LISA BONOS (10:39)

Lisa has been a reporter at the Washington Post since 2005, and she’s written for a long time about matters of the heart. And now she’s here on Dates & Mates to give us an inside peek into what’s really happening on the dating scene today.

(11:30) How To Date After A Pandemic: Damona and Lisa dish on the challenges in moving from the apps to meeting your prospective date in person, and Lisa’s take on how people’s standards have changed.

(23:42) The Workplace Romance: Damona and Lisa have both had a change of heart about workplace romances, since the seemingly unavoidable awkwardness of a breakup in the office is now nonexistent thanks to working online.

(30:04) What Will Change After the Pandemic — or What Will Stay the Same: The zoom date is here to stay, folks. Lisa says many of the singles she’s talked to love the new addition of pre-screening your dates. The pandemic has also encouraged us to be more straightforward about what we’re comfortable with and what we want with the people we’re dating, which Lisa hopes people will continue to do post-corona. 

(32:47) What Is Oversharing vs. What Is Vulnerability: Pacing matters. You don’t have to share everything with someone you just met — think of going “emotionally slow.” Remember that someone has to earn your story.

Check out Lisa’s articles here: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/07/20/dating-life-after-covid/

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/08/06/office-romance-pandemic-dating/

 

DEAR DAMONA (39:51)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from Lauren – Hello Damona. So I finally decided to walk away from a manipulative person. Turns out my intuition was right and he has been messing around. Should I ghost him or give him the respect of saying I’m done? He didn’t give me that respect before he had this other girl in his car. I do not want to become callous with men, but how do I gain the ability to be the strong one without feeling hurt?
  • Instagram Message from Vernée – Hi Damona! Two questions. I’ve always been plus size and self conscious about my weight – especially after quarantine. I’m feeling kind of ready to get back out there after a break up last June, but I’m struggling with being bigger than I was before. I know there are a few apps that are specifically for curvier/larger women, but I’m afraid of fetishization. I already deal with that as a WOC. Are you familiar with these apps? Could you make a recommendation for the best one?

 

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How To Not Die Alone & Delta Dating



IT’S TIME TO GET BACK OUT THERE

Did you take a break from dating during the last two years? A lot of people did.

But here’s the thing: you can’t keep your happiness on hold forever. So being careful to avoid the recent spike in Delta Variant, today we’re going to talk about dating confidently again.

Our guest this week is an absolute gem, Logan Ury — brilliant behavioral scientist turned dating coach. She is the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge and author of How To Not Die Alone. 

She’s going to tell us the 3 main types of daters and the biggest mistakes each type makes – so you fix your dating sitch and get back in the game.

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But first some hot tips for dating during the Delta variant:

 

HOT TIP TIME (2:04)

(4:12) HOT TIP #1 – You need to do more screening. 

Gone are the days when you could just swipe, swipe, message, jump into a date.

You’ve got to qualify your dates to see if you can trust them, if meeting them is worth your time and if you’re going to enjoy your date, whether or not it’s a match.

This means messaging back and forth a bit (but no more than a week) and then moving on to a phone call or a video date. 

We know, we know! Y’all hate Zoom dates. Damona gives the rules to better digital dates.

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(6:20) HOT TIP #2 – Don’t plan another boring dinner date to meet someone for the first time.

You can take advantage of nice weather in most places right now and do something more exciting. A few ideas:

  • get ice cream
  • go hiking
  • have a drink on an outdoor patio
  • rent a paddleboat
  • play mini-golf

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Once you are there, remember that you are responsible for your own good time and you are responsible for your own covid dating safety.

Damona explains how this situation is actually advantageous to setting healthy boundaries early in the relationship.

 

(7:43) HOT TIP #3 – Practice slow love.

What is the rush? If you are in it for the long haul, why are you trying to fast forward to the end? 

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The fun part is in the getting to know you phase. Damona explains how to know when you’re ready to be intimate.

 

HOT TO NOT DIE ALONE (10:20)

Logan Ury is Hinge’s Head of Relationship Science, a dating coach and now The author of the acclaimed book – How To Not Die Alone. 

Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME and I’m so excited to share her with the Dates & Mates audience!

(14:30) The Three Dating Tendencies: Logan describes the categories of patterns in which everyone tends to fall. You’ve got the Romanticizer, the Maximizer, and the Hesitater. Which are you, and what can you do about it?

(21:26) Growth vs. Fixed Mindset: How to stay motivated when you’re ready to give up on searching for your person.

(25:56) Logan’s Love Story: Should you take a chance on dating outside your “type?”

(31:10) Fewer Better Dates: How to put more care into the dates you choose to go on, and maximize the potential of your dating app profile by creating a narrative for yourself.

Buy Logan’s book, How Not To Die Alone, here: 

 

DEAR DAMONA (47:13)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Question from Lindsay – Hi Damona. I’m noticing a pattern of always becoming the friend, never the love interest. What am I doing or not doing, and how do I break out of the friend zone and into the end zone? I’m a 35 year old woman in New York, boss marketing exec, but I’m the mama bear and good friend to everyone. I’ve “hung out” multiple times one on one with love interests and they just aren’t ever interested in that way. What can I do to be seen as girlfriend material?
  • Message from Tim – Hi Damona, I’ve been listening to your podcast since the beginning of the year and it’s fantastic! I’ve downloaded your helpful profile start kit, I’ve been practicing slow love and thinking about where I can meet new people online and offline. So a massive thank you for changing my mindset around dating! I do have a question though, I’ve had one date with this girl and the date went really well and I just matched with someone else who I would like to get to know. Should I date more than one person at the same time? Would it get confusing? What’s your advice around dating multiple people at the beginning and later down the road? 

 

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The Viall Files & Cookie Jarring

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ARE YOU GOING TO GET YOUR FAIRYTALE ENDING?

Welcome to Season 9 of the Dates & Mates podcast!!

We are so excited that the first guest of season 9 is Nick Viall, star of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise.

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He has made quite the name for himself as a contemporary and very opinionated dating advice guru and so obviously Damona had to have him on the show.

He’s here to talk to us about what you can actually learn about love from reality TV shows like The Bachelor – if anything – and how to find your happily ever after on Instagram. 

But first there’s the news:

 

DATING DISH (3:57)

(3:57) Team USA – who’s really hooking up at the olympic village

A claim circulating online about cardboard beds at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics being “anti-sex” is not true. Damona investigates.

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(6:02) Cookie Jarring is a big toxic dating trend this summer.

The person you are falling for is getting to know someone else behind your back. They have another “cookie in the jar” aka have a backup plan or security. Looking for an example on tv? Think Love Island. 

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NICK VIALL FROM THE VIALL FILES (10:15)

Nick Viall starred in the 21st season of ABC’s “The Bachelor” and Bachelor in Paradise. Since “The Bachelor”, he’s become a successful actor, media personality, and now host of “The Viall Files” a People’s Choice Award nominated podcast.

Nick has spent a lot of time in the last 6 years on TV looking for love and now that he’s finally found it, he’s going to tell us how an epic DM slide made it happen.

(10:55) Don’t take love advice from The Bachelor: Surprisingly, Nick is pretty adamant that the Bachelor gives unrealistic ideals of love. It’s important to understand what “love at first sight” really means and how you can filter out potential love interests. 

(16:04) A Bold Move: Nick found his love, Natalie, through a DM. He shares his advice on sliding into someone’s DMs and connecting with someone through online dating & social media. Plus, you don’t have to stick to the traditional ways of gender norms when it comes to making your move. 

(21:33) Men are Like Puppies: Many men feel safer and able to open up when their love interests compliment them. 

Get more Nick Viall: https://viallfiles.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA WITH NICK VIALL (23:41)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from Amani – Hello. Here is the question. I have been dating someone long distance since November 2020 and we met in person in February 2021. She is preparing to move across the country to live with me. We are discussing how much she should contribute to the rent/mortgage if she moves in. She will be looking for a job when she arrives, and there is no timetable in terms of when she could get a job. She feels she should not have to contribute to the mortgage until she has a ring on her finger. I feel she should contribute a portion per month (1/3 of the mortgage). What are your thoughts on this?
  • Instagram Message from Nicole – Hi, Damona! Love the pod and your content 🙏🏼 I would love to get some advice from you about a situation. I casually dated this guy in 2019 for 6 months. He got back in touch with me last fall, and we were flirting virtually pretty consistently until January- he initiated every convo. Since January, he has been reaching out periodically on different platforms (dms, text)— & and asking me out. Then a couple weeks ago, he liked me on hinge (how we met in 2019), talked about how we’re very compatible, and asked out again. I’ve accepted all his asks, and then he doesn’t follow through with plans. The last time he did this was the hinge situation a few weeks ago. He said his family was in town, but he could see me like a week and a half later. Then again, no follow-up. I addressed this and told him I’d really like him to make a plan, because I would enjoy spending time with him. He “loved” that text, but that’s the last I’ve heard from him. I want to see him. Is there any move I can make at this point that wouldn’t seem pathetic? Should I wait for the next time he comes around? Other? I would love to know your thoughts. Thanks, Damona! Best, Nicole (I’m 31, he’s 33)

 

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Hot Young Widow & LAT Relationships



GOT EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE?

Has something happened in your past that is preventing you from finding love?

Today’s episode is all about finding love after loss, traumatic events, unfulfilling relationships and everything in between.

Nora McInerny is the host of the podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” and the author of several books including No Happy Endings and The Hot Young Widows Club.

As she says, Nora found lightning in a bottle in a once in a lifetime love… and then lost him to stage 4 brain cancer. She had to rebuild her life in her late 20s, coping with the loss of the love of her life, all while raising a son.

And we thought we had emotional baggage.

She’s going to talk us through what it was like to find love once again after loss and what it means to date with baggage. 

Hopefully yours is a cute Louis Vuitton clutch. But even if it’s a thick multi-compartment trunk or army style duffle, we’ve got you covered.

But first there’s the news:

 

DATING DISH (3:25)

(3:25) Famous people are invading dating apps. So how do you hook up with a celeb?

Influencers and celebs are flocking to methods of finding love online – first dating app but now mostly through Instagram. 

Ben Affleck and Matthew Perry were among celebrities who were outed on dating apps. Damona has thoughts on this: 

First: y’all, stop taking screenshots of celebs on dating apps. They’re just there looking for love, too. 

Secondly: Dear Celebs, if you’re afraid of a publicity seeking match, then avoid the texting trap and drive towards the phone call.

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(9:31) A new relationship trend among the 65+ crowd that you might need to try

Living apart as an older couple may be beneficial to a relationship’s success. Older women have spent a lot of their lives inhabiting archaic gender roles and are now to avoid that in end of life care. The New York Times reports that the LAT Trend (Living Apart Together) is the solution to this problem.

Here’s what you need to know if you’re not in this age group: Let’s stop rushing into moving together. Damona is seeing a lot of couples move in together out of convenience rather than out of an actual desire to move into the next stage of the relationship.

 

IT’S GOING TERRIBLE, THANKS FOR ASKING (14:28)

Nora McInerny is the creator and host of the award-winning podcast “Terrible, Thanks for Asking” and the best-selling author of the memoirs It’s Okay To Laugh, (Crying Is Cool Too) , No Happy Endings, The Hot Young Widows Club.

Her work has appeared in publications like The New York Times, Time, Slate and she has spoken on TED’s main stage.

And now, she’s here on Dates & Mates to talk to us about loving again after loss and dating with baggage. 

(14:28) Question: Do you avoid dating people with kids? America is moving away from the traditional 2 adults /2.5 children household and leaning heavily into “blended family” territory.

(18:19) Coping with Loss & Tragedy: After Nora’s husband passed away from brain cancer, her life changed forever. She learned how to cope from the loss and come out stronger on the other side. 

(25:28) Do you people as romantic and non-romantic? After her husband passed away, Nora viewed every guy as just a fling to keep from feeling too attached. She wanted to belong to nobody until she connected with her current love. 

(39:33) The chair that changed everything: Against all odds, Nora met Matthew and found someone who could find a place in her family’s life.

(44:32) How you know he’s a good guy: He doesn’t treat you like the center of his world. Paradoxical, I know.

(51:08) Baggage & Relationships: Everyone’s been through trauma in different ways. Our baggage makes us unique and doesn’t have to impact creating meaningful relationships. 

Get more Nora: www.ttfa.org  

 

DEAR DAMONA (57:18)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from Dahlia – I would appreciate some tips to make my profile I guess, better. The thing is that they’re messaging me and because I’m not an A Lister, I have a lot of likes, and maybe messages but because I’m not an A Lister, so I’m just thinking if I should just bite the bullet and pay to be an A Lister, maybe I’ll have a better matches or is just going to be the same. So that’s what I’m gambling with now. So if you could give me some tips, and you know, or you know, just like maybe the people that I’m trying to connect with. They’re not into me, and you know, so you know, maybe my time hasn’t come yet.
  • Message from Cami – My boyfriend once said that he wouldn’t date a girl of color and it’s been bothering me. I know it isn’t necessarily my place to be upset but it rubs me the wrong way. I tried talking to him about it earlier today but every time I would ask him why he would give me an unintentionally(?) racist answer. Since we are in an open relationship, I recently broke up with my girlfriend who is a black woman. They never had issues but he seemed almost grossed out by her. I don’t want to break up with him but I cannot date a racist. Is this preference or racism?

DATES & MATES DEALS

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Meet Cute & Friends First



HOW WILL YOU MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? 

Today we’re making a case for jumping off the deep end in love. 

Naomi Shah is the founder and CEO of Meet Cute, a media company that produces their super popular podcast Meet Cute – every episode is a fun bite-sized scripted rom-coms.

She’s going to tell us about the whirlwind romance that inspired it all. It involves one singular coffee date, a bouquet, and a gigantic wedding.

This is one meet cute you don’t want to miss. 

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But first there’s the news:

 

DATING DISH (1:44)

(1:44) Science tells us once and for all the surest way to find long term love

Academics looked at data from around 2,000 couples of different demographics and found that the majority of couples first started out as friends. Starting as friends may be a more solid option than blind dates or dating apps

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(6:21) New cutest couple in hollywood alert!!

The kids of Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence are a brand new couple! While it’s unclear how long they have been dating, it’s assuming they met through their dads who starred in a few movies together. 

MEET CUTE (8:24)

Naomi Shah is the founder + CEO of Meet Cute, a production company that produces original light-hearted romantic comedies in podcast form.

These stories are all about celebrating human connection and the full spectrum of love.

(9:29) Let’s talk about Meet Cute: Meet Cute is a podcast for those who love rom-coms and want to be inspired by original scripted love stories in a short episode.

(10:58) Naomi’s Own Love Story: Career-oriented Naomi reflects on what she has wanted in relationships during certain phases of her life. Plus, her parents have their very own unique meet cute involving an international romance. 

(22:48) Hot Topics in the Rom-Com World: The most popular Meet Cute stories often involve first loves, struggles with sexual orientation, and rebellious love. 

(27:12) Dating App FTW: Dating Apps increase your chances of serendipity. 

Find Meet Cute on IG @meetcute and check them out on all your favorite podcast platforms!

 

DEAR DAMONA (30:11)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from L – Hi Damona! I’ve been listening to your podcast for 3 years, even since I lived in Sweden and was dating an American boyfriend! Three years fast forward – moved to Bay Area, got married and divorced (😬), been focusing on work for the last year… While keeping an eye on the dating apps and listening to your podcast. I am 31, work as an engineer at Tesla, have all kinds of tomboyish hobbies, looking for someone very smart, probably an introvert, career-driven, kind and supportive. Someone local to the Bay area and tall (I am 5’9+) Another engineer is a plus but not a must.
  • Instagram Message from Karly – Hi Damona! Who pays the bill when you’re on a date?? I know traditionally, “the man pays for everything” but that’s not realistic…so how do you start the convo about those expectations? I personally don’t mind splitting costs or even covering costs for dates, but I’ve never ever discussed that with anyone I’ve dated. For context, I recently met this guy on Hinge. He invited me on 3 dates (1st was free, 2nd was a car ride, 3rd was dinner which he covered the bill). Maybe a week later, I asked him if he wanted to get hang out again. When trying to iron out the plans, he shocked me with “And I’m sure I’ll be paying & letting you smoke my weed too huh…I’m sorry, but I’m not the one”. I was so shocked that he came at me like that!! I certainly didn’t give off the energy that I was just there for a free meal and weed. He NEVER asked me to split the cost on anything, never mentioned it; so how do we have these conversations about expectations regarding covering costs on dates? Thank you!!!

 

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THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY TEXTNOW 

The app solves many major challenges that Damona’s clients face in dating today:

  • You can keep your main number private
  • You can separate your personal and dating contacts
  • Plus, It’s easy to use and FREE.

We are proud to collaborate with an app that empowers modern daters to feel safe and secure. If you want more information, check out Damona’s video on when to give out your number to people you meet on dating apps. Click here!

 

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Romance Scams & Never Been Kissed



THE DEAL WITH ROMANCE SCAMS

Romance scams – scams that target dating app users – reached a record high over the course of the Pandemic. The Federal Trade Commission reports a record $304 million in losses due to romance scams in 2020.

It’s no coincidence that this happened during the pandemic. 

While we at Dates & Mates will always maintain that you are not in danger if you know what to look for, we want to make sure we give you all the tools to keep yourself safe.

Today, Damona is joined by Mark Brooks, dating industry advisor for the dating app background check software Real Me. He is one of the OGs on the dating scene and his blog, Online Personals Watch, actually played a huge hand in Damona’s own development as a dating and relationship expert.

But first there’s news to cover:

DATING DISH (2:06)

(2:06) Bumble is bringing coffee dates back to Manhattan

Bumble  is opening a restaurant-café called Bumble Brew in New York. The new restaurant is meant to be a “safe space for healthy and equitable relationships and connections.” Here’s why Damona is a fan: you need a safe public space for first dates. Above and beyond the safety concerns, Damona shares one client’s story that will definitely intrigue you.

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(4:10) ScarJo and CoJo make a baby – everything you need to know about their relationship

Scarlett Johansson and SNL actor Colin Jost are having a baby! For years, ScarJo has been kind of Hollywood’s Ungettable Girl. So what finally attracted her to 

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IT’S THE REALME (9:10)

Today’s guest, Mark Brooks, is a dating safety and security expert. He is the official dating industry advisor for RealMe – a dating app integration that offers members of dating apps the ability to run background checks on potential matches.

He also runs an online dating news aggregate called Online Personal watch which reports daily on the latest goings on in the dating industry for executives – however Damona reads it regularly, too.

He is all about easy but effective safety solutions and today he’s going to tell us what you need to know to stay safe and secure in dating today:

(10:00) Trends in Online dating: The speed of dating has massively increased recently.

(13:57) The Addiction Factor: We are so addicted to notifications on our phone instead of interacting with those who are actually there with you.

(17:24) More Authenticity: There is a huge difference between social dating and using dating apps, especially when it comes to confirming identities of users. It’s crucial to be aware when using dating apps due to the recent and rapid increase in dating app scams. There are four types of dating app abusers. 

(27:34) Obscenity on Dating Apps: RealMe provides software to keep things clean on dating apps along with a vast number of other dating safety features.  

(34:34) Dating Apps & Felons: Should people with criminal records be allowed on dating apps?

 

DEAR DAMONA (39:30)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • IG Message from Anonymous – If someone checks the box of “don’t want kids” on a dating site, does that mean for now or forever?
  • Email from C – Hi Damona. I am a 35 yr old (black female) virgin and regardless of what people say, I feel ashamed? It’s like a chip on my shoulder or a hurdle I need to overcome and I’ve felt and been made to feel like this since junior high. Needless to say, I’ve never been in a relationship or even really been kissed. When should I divulge that I’m a virgin? If at all? How can I find guys who are not just looking for a one night thing but are not trying to marry me in less than 6 months? (yes many guys trying to get married right now) DAMONA PLEASE HAAAAALP! lol

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DATES & MATES DEALS

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The Love You Want & Fighting Fear



THE SECRET SCIENTIFIC INGREDIENT TO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

One word: Safety. Sounds like a no-brainer, right?

Wrong…ish. Communicating safety is SO much harder than you think.

That’s why we are SO excited to bring two LEGENDS who can teach us better communication to Dates & Mates this week, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt.

These two are internationally renowned couples therapists and New York Times bestselling authors of the book Getting The Love You Want.

It’s been endorsed by Oprah, Damona has read it COUNTLESS times, and it remains the true relationship bible that so many dating coaches live by.

We’re going to take a look inside the science of communication in relationships – and get ready because we learn A LOT.

But first the news:

DATING DISH (1:43)

(1:44) Hollywood proves again that slow love is the only way to go. 

Christina Haack’s ex, Ant Anstead, is reportedly dating Academy Award-winning actress Renee Zellweger. What’s important to note here is that Ant has done a lot of soul searching and self-development to find his highest love.

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(6:13) Need some advice on your dating profile? Reddit might be able to help with that. 

When you’re single and “wildly unsuccessful” at online dating, you might attempt the same risky maneuver that others have attempted: posting your profile on Reddit so that hundreds of strangers can critique it.

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GET THE LOVE YOU WANT (10:31)

Get ready for a deep and thought-provoking conversation with Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, two internationally renowned couples therapists and New York Times bestselling authors. They even have a 40th-anniversary edition out, and it remains the true relationship bible that so many dating coaches live by. 

(11:12) Physics of the between: You are thinking of your relationships all wrong. The energy between you and another person matters. 

(12:31)Talking is the most dangerous thing people do: Listening is the most infrequent thing people do. Communicating safety is the most important thing you can do.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Damona Hoffman (@damonahoffman)

(15:51) One word changes everything: According to Harville and Helen, there is one word that can change the game in the way you communicate.

(17:00) Honoring Boundaries: The art of honoring boundaries actually starts with “setting an appointment.”

(20:54) Hail Storm vs. Turtle: Check in with your partner at the end of the day to make sure each other is taken care of. 

Get more of Harville & Helen:

https://harvilleandhelen.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA (29:05)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • (A email from a guy) Hi Damona, I’m 53 and separated from my wife in August. I have been dating someone for 4 months since February. We have a great time. A lot of making out, laughing, good convo. I like her and I’m very attracted to her. However… she won’t have sex with me because she ‘doesn’t want to be my first after separation.’ And I’m ‘not divorced yet.’ She says ‘men in your position tend to want to sleep around after divorce.’ But that’s never been me. I’ve always been a one-woman-at-a-time person. It’s pretty frustrating to be characterized as ‘divorce guy’ instead of just… me. I could pigeonhole her as ‘single woman with two kids who has never been married’ …but why? It was also a buzzkill to hear that she’s going to stay on dating apps. Do most recently divorced men get this treatment? Or is this more of an outlier? and.. Are women these days constantly fishing on the side for ‘better’ options because of dating apps? And are singles folks now becoming commitment-phobes because of it? Sincerely, -Confounded
  • (Dahlia) Hi, Damona. I listen to your podcasts weekly. And I love every bit of it. The thing is, the reason why I say I suck, is because I’ve never had to work so hard to get a date a coffee date. You know, I usually go on and I meet someone and I connect with them. And then you know, we’ll start date and then kind of, you know, just kind of take it from there. But no, it seems like I can’t even get a coffee date. So I’m like, kind of thinking, I don’t know what I’ve changed. I know I’ve you know, I’ve gotten older and you know, men my age are looking for 25 year olds that what I realize, and you know, I’m looking for, you know, more mature man, I usually date like men in their 50s. And my top off is like 60. So I don’t know what’s going on, I guess 60 year olds are looking for a 35 year old so and I’m not a 35 year old so I just need some help. You know, please. 

How To Be Confident & Live Reconnected



HOW CONFIDENT DO YOU FEEL? 

As things open up and we’re starting to have more interaction with people, the Dates & Mates team is hearing a lot of anxiety about finding the confidence to be social and also concern that the pandemic has put a lot of distance between us.

Dating coach and confidence consultant, Nick Notas is here to the rescue!

He is a dating coach who helps people strengthen life’s most important relationships and he’s going to give us some much-needed confidence.

But first we have headlines:

DATING DISH (1:34)

(1:37) The surprising way gossip helped Van Jones 

The Internet has been buzzing with rumors that Kim Kardashian and CNN’s political commentator Van Jones are an item on the dating scene. Page Six reported that Jones and Kardashian’s friendship is partially linked to their work on criminal justice reform.

via GIPHY

(3:07) Tinder keeps rolling out the good stuff – another new development that will completely revolutionize dating apps

CNBC reports that Tinder is launching a brand new social feature known as “Hot Takes”. This allows users to chat with someone before they match and is similar to speed dating. Tinder is even adding an Explore section within the app allowing users to discover matches by interests, activity or content type.

via GIPHY

 

LIVE RECONNECTED (10:05)

Nick Notas is a dating and confidence coach for the last 13 years. He’s helped thousands of people conquer their fears, build genuine self-esteem, and develop charismatic social skills. 

We’re so excited to share his very direct but compassionate method of coaching and hopefully it will challenge your way of thinking about of love and dating:

 

 

(10:49) Reconnected: How to strengthen your in-person communication with others in an age driven by social media. Get out of the texting loop!

Lead with Curiosity: Don’t try to imagine what the other person wants from you, tap into what makes you laugh and what makes you interesting

Cut your losses? I don’t think you should cut your losses before you’ve given an attempt. Always give one or two shots before you decide to walk away. Don’t be afraid of rejection.

(18:47) Insecure on the first date: Nick shares his thoughts on how to go on a first date with ease. Don’t overthink it! 

(22:00) Disabilities & Natural Instinct: Pay attention to your date and if they are excited to be with you. It’s important for you both to be curious about each other. 

(29:12) Feeling Confident in Yourself: Confidence means accepting who you are and who you aren’t and embracing that. It takes small steps of courage. 

Get more of Nick Notas:

https://www.nicknotas.com/ 

https://www.livereconnected.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:18)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • (Anonymous) By the end of the first date, I’m already thinking about whether or not my parents and friend would like them. Then I get so disappointed when it doesn’t work out. How do I keep myself from getting too attached or thinking too far ahead?
  • (Lisette) Hi Damona, my name is Lisette, and I’m from New Jersey. I have no children, and I don’t want any children. And it says that on my profile. It also says on my profile that I do not date men with children of any age. So regardless of that, being on my profile, I still get men that disregard that. That is a non-negotiable for me and they still match with me. So recently, I was called shallow because of that desire to date someone that doesn’t have kids. I’m just wondering what your take is on people, men or women who do not have kids and only want to date other people that don’t have kids. Is that really being shallow? Or just stating what I need to be happy in a relationship? Anyway, just to wrap up my message, I love the podcast, and it would be great if you could answer my question.

via GIPHY

DATES & MATES DEALS

BETTERHELP.COM/DATESANDMATES

Get Better Help: real therapy, convenient and affordable. Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com/datesandmates

DOWNLOAD OKCUPID TODAY!

OkCupid is FAMOUS for matching people on what MATTERS MOST to them, from food to the type of relationship they want…to politics. They ask you really thoughtful and provoking questions to get to the heart of who you are and what type of person you’re looking for.

Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!

Labor of Love & Bringing Sexy Back



AN EXCLUSIVE PEEK

Today we’re getting an exclusive look into the habitat of the illusive marriage-minded man:

via GIPHY

Just kidding. In spite of what I sometimes hear from my listeners Marriage-minded partners aren’t that hard to find, you just need to know where to look. Especially as you get to the age where people are looking to settle down.

Stewart Gill, contestant on the show Labor of Love and most eligible bachelor, joins Damona on this week’s episode. 

Quick primer if you haven’t seen the show: Labor of Love featured Kristy Katzmann (who you might know as a former Bachelor Contestant). She was not only searching for love, but also for a father for her future children. 

Stewart laid it all on the line and was one of the finalists on Labor of Love so we’re going to deep dive into what it’s like to be 40, single, successful, and looking to settle down. I mean look at him:

We’ll talk about it all later, But first Damona covers headlines:

DATING DISH (2:27)

(1:36) Conversationalists it’s your time to shine!

Surprisingly but kind of not surprisingly, daters over 50 years old are searching for great conversations with their potential partners. According to a Silver Singles survey, over 70% of participants wanted someone they could really talk with. 

via GIPHY

(4:03) Is Victoria’s Secret Bringing Sexy Back?

In a major attempt to rebrand, Victoria’s Secret has announced the retirement of the Angels. So long Adriana Lima and hello to a whole new face of the brand that reflects the current generation of society. 

via GIPHY

 

WHYYY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE? (7:54)

Stewart Gill is a marriage-minded man who put his dream of settling down and having a family for his athletic career- No big deal he was an Olympic-level triathlete. 

Now he lives in Santa Monica, he’s the CEO of Magna Carta Wealth and founder of the Evolutions financial literacy app.

Stewart’s a crazy accomplished guy and now he’s ready to find the love of his life:

(9:56) It’s goin’ down in DMs: Stewart reveals he was cast on Labor of Love through a random DM with a casting director.  

(12:10) Seeking a Partner: He’s not just searching for marriage. Stewart wants a teammate for life.  

(16:55) Diamonds vs. Emeralds: You may be a diamond, and someone prefers emeralds. This doesn’t mean you have any less value.  

(21:09) Embrace Your Differences: You don’t have to be just like your partner. Don’t stick to a strict checklist. 

(26:03) Communication is Key: Stewart reveals that communication is the most important aspect of a successful relationship.  

Get more of Stewart on Instagram @stewart_e_gill. And ladies, if you slide in those DMs, make it good ;)

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:18)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Megan – Hi, Damona. I am a listener from Ireland. I love your show. I’ve been listening to it a lot over the past few months, trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong in my dating at the moment and previously, and my question is, I’m trying really hard on dating apps and everything, to look for the right kind of people who have the same values as me who want commitment to want a good relationship. And something solid and move forage in the future. And I go on these dates, and then I just have no chemistry with these guys at all. And yes, when I bump into a guy in reality, or meet someone through friends, and we do have great chemistry, and there’s a lot of flirtation on everything, and then we do go on a date, they end up being the kind of guys who just want sex and just wants an F body and are not great listeners and don’t really want to actually have anything real. So, I mean, I just wonder, why am I so much more attracted to people who seem to not want commitment than the people who are actually have their values aligned with mine and want to have the same things as me. I’m worried that I’m just never going to actually have the same kind of sexual attraction to those people.
  • Gaysha – Dear Damona, Happy Pride! Thank you for your podcast and work! I listen to you every Tuesday while I get ready for work. I am a newly transitioned (9 months) transgender female. Do you have any advice on how to date as a transwoman? I swipe and meet all kinds of men but either they just want something casual, unmatch once they read my profile or because society frowns about dating openly trans people I have a hard time meeting men. Any advice as I’m ready to date and it’s pride month?! Thanks so much! 

 

THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY TEXTNOW 

The app solves many major challenges that Damona’s clients face in dating today:

  • You can keep your main number private
  • You can separate your personal and dating contacts
  • Plus, It’s easy to use and FREE.

We are proud to collaborate with an app that empowers modern daters to feel safe and secure. If you want more information, check out Damona’s video on when to give out your number to people you meet on dating apps. Click here!

 

DATES & MATES DEALS

BETTERHELP.COM/DATESANDMATES

Get Better Help: real therapy, convenient and affordable. Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com/datesandmates

DOWNLOAD OKCUPID TODAY!

OkCupid is FAMOUS for matching people on what MATTERS MOST to them, from food to the type of relationship they want…to politics. They ask you really thoughtful and provoking questions to get to the heart of who you are and what type of person you’re looking for.

Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!

Hot Granny Summer & Tiffany Bro



HOT GIRL SUMMER OR HOT GRANNY SUMMER?

 

You’ve heard many sources say that this summer is going to be Hot Girl Summer or Hot Vax Summer as we are all bursting out of our bubbles and ready for the post-pandemic-vaccine-induced-season-of-love.

But before we get carried away, today Damona is talking to Anna Iovine, writer at Mashable who asks the question, “Do people even want a hot vax summer?”

via GIPHY

She’s here to report on the surprising findings from a survey she and the research team at Mashable have conducted.

But first, we have the dish:

DATING DISH (1:39)

(1:39) Scared of running into someone you know on dating apps? There’s an app for that.

Tinder now offers the helpful “Block Contacts” feature to help users avoid personal contacts, be it exes, family members or colleagues. So no more worrying about accidentally matching with your ex or boss. 

via GIPHY

(4:08) Engagement rings for men: who are they for and would you wear one?

Women are no longer the only ones showing off their bling after getting engaged. Tiffany’s new engagement rings for men are becoming popular for both straight and gay couples. 

via GIPHY

THE LATEST STATS ON HOT VAX SUMMER (8:14)

Today’s guest, Anna Iovine, is a culture reporter at Mashable, where she primarily covers sex and relationships. She’s particularly interested in the way tech (and now, the pandemic) has changed sex and dating. 

Fun fact: She coined the dating term “orbiting” which was covered on the show and that word was shortlisted for Oxford’s 2018 Word of the Year.

(9:37) Apparently dating apps weren’t as popular pre-pandemic: Data suggests that a lot more people might have been dating without dating apps that we’d previously understood.

(11:21) Dating Hiatus: around 37% of people completely swore off dating during the pandemic.  

(13:22) Tinder for the win: The bulk of dating app users during the pandemic chose Tinder and even Facebook dating as their apps of choice. 

(14:28) Not in the mood for a #hotvaxsummer? Attitudes towards relationships have changed in the last year. Have that hot slutty summer or a hot granny summer – whatever meets your needs!

(18:31) Things are looking up: 48% of survey respondents are feeling both nervous and excited for their dating futures hold in a post-covid world. They are entering into the dating world more mindfully and intentionally. 

(20:56) FODA still exists: As more and more people get vaccinated, people are starting to date again. But this is not without fear of dating again since we have been out of practice for so long. Don’t forget to flex your flirting muscles.  

Read Anna’s full article here!

DEAR DAMONA (25:44)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Hi Damona – how are you? I recently went on a bumble date, but do to the pandemic we did it as his place. Mistake number 1. We got drunk, and decided to have sex, and told him to put on a condom. The condoms were located next to his bed!! Since I was drunk, I said “you keep them next to your bed!?” He said “where else should they be.” I then made a comment that I I thought it was kind of slutty. I know some people think being safe is sexy, but when you’re going out on a date and some guy pulls condoms out from next to his bed you know all he wants to sex. In my opinion I think it’s a red flag. A day after that he unmatched with me on Bumble. Am I being too judgemental? Should those comments not be said? I don’t know if I should shut up or call them out? *due to the pandemic
  • (Sarah) My name is Sarah and I’m a single twenty-five-year-old gal going on more in-person dates as things are starting to open up again. However. I’ve been really struggling with my social anxiety and a big part of that is having a hard time making eye contact, and I know you always talk about how important it is, especially on a first date, and I was wondering if you had any tips or tricks for me that could help me out. Thank you.

Advice from ¡Hola Papi! & Meme Love



ARE DATING APPS FOR EVERYONE?

Happy Pride Month Lovers! Here we’re all about celebrating equality in love for everyone ALL DAY EVERY DAY but especially today we’re giving a shout-out to our queer family who live their truth on the quest for their most authentic love.

via GIPHY

Love is love. And there are a lot of universal truths in dating. For example, everyone has had an awkward conversation on a dating app. Some more than others.

What’s the deal with all of these inappropriate and awkward interactions going down in the DMs? Have you ever felt fetishized, othered, or just plain weirded out by a match?

The answer is probably yes so we 100% have to talk about it with John Paul Brammer, columnist behind “Hola Papi” – the super popular LGBT and latino advice column in The Cut. Now he has a new book by the same name.

We’re going to have a big conversation about body shaming, what to do with people’s weird fetishes and how to get excited about apps – even if you haaate using them. It’s fun – promise!!

But first we have to talk about how comedy and dating intersect:

DATING DISH (2:35)

(2:35) Are we getting a little too invested in celebrity relationships?

The TV-obsessed American public is forming “parasocial relationships,” or the “illusion of a face-to-face relationship,” with their favorite on-screen performers. Damona miiiiight be in a very incense parasocial relationship with John Mulaney. 

via GIPHY

(7:18) Can you find your ideal partner based solely on a sense of humor?

The newest dating app, Schmooze, has users swipe memes to get matched with people sharing a similar sense of humor. Talk about an interesting way to meet someone that doesn’t necessarily involve looks.

 

HOLA PAPI (11:19)

John Paul Brammer  is a content creator, columnist, and author of the new book Hola Papi: How to come out in a Walmart parking lot and other life lessons.

You’ve read his work in The Cut, The Guardian, Teen Vogue and Netflix’s the most. Damona absolutely loved her conversation with JP for NPR’s podcast Life Kit a few months ago and YOU KNOW she had to bring him on Dates & Mates:

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Damona Hoffman (@damonahoffman)

(10:54) Hola Papi: JP is hispanic and this is an opening line he gets in his DMs all the time. Is that weird? Yes. 

(17:37) Fetishization is a hard word to say, and sometimes harder to identify: Racial hang-ups can cause some strange situations on dating apps. Saying you have a strong preference for a certain race or physical trait can set you and your match up for disappointment. 

(25:43) We create our own stories: Our perception influences the story we tell ourselves. What memories or moments are defining the way you look at your relationships today?

(29:37) Identity: JP gets tough questions for Hola Papi about orientation and identity. Can you have sex with a lady and still consider yourself gay? We examine identity in honor of Pride Month!

Get more JP here:

Get JP’s Book at damonahoffman.com/contentclub and make sure to follow him on all the socials @jpbrammer or at https://www.jpbrammer.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA (33:34)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • (Sam) Since you’re a POC who has experienced “otherness” how should I cope with the mentality that my predominately white dating pool in the Midwest is either consciously or unconsciously not interested in dating someone who is black? When I get on dating apps 9 out of 10 profiles I see are white. I’ve been swiping consistently and get very few (high quality) matches. I’m not a novice with dating apps and very strongly believe that I’m not making rookie mistakes with having a bad profile (i listen to your show). I’m convinced the lack of diversity and people not dating race open is the problem. What is your advice? I am 24, black, bisexual, with a master’s degree, spiritual/agnostic, liberal, working in corporate america.
  • (Frances) Hi Damona! I love your voice and topics on finding slow love. I have a question about first text impressions. I’m texting guys that “liked” me on Hinge but they aren’t interested in making conversation on the app! They give me one sided answers and it’s like pulling teeth to talk. Do I just end the convo right there?

 

DATES & MATES DEALS

BETTERHELP.COM/DATESANDMATES

Get Better Help: real therapy, convenient and affordable. Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com/datesandmates

DOWNLOAD OKCUPID TODAY!

OkCupid is FAMOUS for matching people on what MATTERS MOST to them, from food to the type of relationship they want…to politics. They ask you really thoughtful and provoking questions to get to the heart of who you are and what type of person you’re looking for.

Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!

Dating Profile Pics & Textiquette




IT’S TIME FOR A PROFILE REFRESH.

Mark your calendars: OkCupid predicts that 🇺🇸 July 4th 🇺🇸 will be the hottest online dating day for people who are ready to get back out there.

So it’s time to whip that dating profile in shape. The easiest way to start fresh and catch more attention on dating apps?

New profile pics!

On this week’s episode of Dates & Mates, Damona interview Saskia Nelson, online dating photographer founder of Hey Saturday – an app that connects daters with quality photographers.

This is a super special interview because both Time magazine and BBC have credited her with creating the genre of online dating photography!

Saskia is on a mission to get rid of bad dating profile photos and she’s telling us how to do it the right way:

But first, some steamy headlines:

DATING DISH (1:15)

(1:52) The real story behind Taika Waititi’s ménage à trois with Rita Ora and Tessa Thompson

Recent photos of Taika, Rita, and Tessa kissing on a balcony from May 23 have gone viral. Wait… isn’t Taika married? AND technically their boss? We have questions. 

via GIPHY

 

(6:11) Are your texts getting left on read? Your punctuation might be the reason why.

NBC brings back a 2015 study from Bingham University: Your punctuation matters in digital communication. Damona reviews findings:

  • Texts ending in a period are seen as less sincere than texts with no punctuation.
  • Periods often come across as hostile
  • Exclamation points are seen as the most sincere
  • General Rule – don’t use a period at the end of the text.

Bottom line: Throw in punctuation to convey tone

via GIPHY

 

YOUR COMPLETE GUIDE TO DATING PROFILE PICS(10:54)

Damona talks to Saskia Nelson, a photographer who specializes in dating app profile pictures and the founder of Hey Saturday – an app that connects daters with online dating photographers you can trust.

She’s here to get your profile pics in shape to capture attention and matches.

(10:54) How Saskia got her groove back on dating apps: Making dating fun again and finding her now husband
(15:30) The key to good profile pics: Color, Context and Character
(19:26) Storytelling = Your dating app superpower. Show what makes you unique so users can make an instant connection
(24:00) Does it look like you’re trying too hard? A case for showing up and showing out.
(27:03) What to wear? First date outfit? Yoga pants? A bikini?
(34:14) The deal with group shots: Dogs are in. What about cats? Your mom? Your friends? Your grandma?

 

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A post shared by Damona Hoffman (@damonahoffman)

 

Check out Hey Saturday if you’re looking for a professional eye on your dating app photos: https://www.heysaturday.co/about/ 

DEAR DAMONA (39:43)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • IG Message: I’ve never actually had a bf or even gone on an actual date. I have no clue what to do.
  • Voicemail: I have been going on first dates pretty regularly dating pretty regularly off in September and I have had very little luck. I’ve gotten two maybe three days with a couple of guys and have either had them say that they’re not feeling a connection or something. I haven’t felt a connection after a couple of days and I’m starting to get really discouraged. I’m wondering am I just burned out on dating? Do I need to take a break? I want to have a girl summer. But right now I’m just feeling really bummed out. Do you have any advice for kind of hitting reset on my dating life? Thanks.

DATES & MATES DEALS

BETTERHELP.COM/DATESANDMATES

Get Better Help: real therapy, convenient and affordable. Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com/datesandmates

DOWNLOAD OKCUPID TODAY!

OkCupid is FAMOUS for matching people on what MATTERS MOST to them, from food to the type of relationship they want…to politics. They ask you really thoughtful and provoking questions to get to the heart of who you are and what type of person you’re looking for.

Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!