Dear Damona: Better Pictures & Booty Calls
Today’s episode is entirely dedicated to answering your most pressing dating dilemmas.
But FIRST – I have the latest and greatest breakdown on the dating scene today. Every year, Match releases their “Singles In America” study, examining the trends among the US single population (which they have done for the last 11 years). I’ll be looking at this study and analyzing these recent trends so you and I can come up with your dating plan together. Let’s get to it.
MATCH: SINGLES IN AMERICA (1:32)
This year’s study is a JUICY one. I was so eager to get my hands on this study, considering that we’ve all been going through a pandemic for the past year and a half. And IMO, this has been the biggest disruptor in dating culture since the invention of swipe technology. Here are the facts:
(2:52) Single adults account for more than 1/3 of the US adult population.
- The data supports that people are really shifting their priorities to dating someone based on common values, and not so much on the exterior (although good looks still sweeten the deal).
- “Looks are out, emotional maturity is in. Stability is the new sexy,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, Chief Science Advisor to Match.
- 39% of singles say that emotional maturity is, foremost, what they seek more of in a partner.
(3:58) The Covid Effect: intentional dating is on the rise.
- Only 11% of singles want to date casually, while 62% say they seek more meaningful, committed relationships.
- I predict this number will go up, once singles become more comfortable meeting up with strangers again.
(5:08) Desire for marriage is up, but preference for having children is down.
- The desire for a partner who wants marriage has risen from 58% in 2019, to 76% in 2021.
- In 2017, 80% of singles under 40 said it was important to have a partner who wanted to have kids, compared to just 61% today. This shift is especially noticeable among women, who are feeling more freedom to be honest about what they want in their relationships.
(5:08) Is this the death of the f*ckboy?
- 81% of men said they think sex is less important in a relationship now (vs. 87% of women), compared to how they felt before the pandemic.
- Plus, it looks like video dates are here to stay – this year, 1 in 4 singles (27%) had a video date before meeting IRL. Video dates have also helped in avoiding the dating burnout many singles were feeling pre-pandemic.
- But with the rise of video dates, comes its own set of challenges. Avoid messy and distracting backgrounds, and good lighting is KEY. As for avoiding awkward conversation, don’t overthink it – stay curious and open, which will keep the conversation flowing. And if it gets awkward, just own that it’s awkward and call it out!
(9:53) An openness to interracial dating…
- 45% of singles have actually dated someone outside of their race. And now, 7 in 10 singles say they are open to dating someone of different race or ethnicity – a 22% increase compared to before the pandemic (just a year and a half ago)!
- This shows that we are looking for reasons to connect, and looking for commonalities rather than pointing out the things that make us different. It’s now about getting clear on your goals and your values, and being able to connect authentically around those values and goals.
DEAR DAMONA (11:34)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
(12:00) IG Message from Felicia: Hi Damona, I just started listening to your podcast and trust me, I need all the help I can get! Here’s my situation: I met a really nice guy in September for a drink on a Sunday. The next day, we spent the whole day together, and then on Tuesday, I stopped hearing from him. He was moving at 150 mph and now he’s going to hit the brakes or ghost me. He’s a cop who works long shifts but it’s been a week since I’ve heard from him. I might have come off as crazy when I was venting about him to my friend and accidentally sent him the text! It was awkward and I’M SO EMBARRASSED! After that, he only texted me late on Saturday for what feels like a booty call. What should I do?? I think my friends have truly given up on me. I’ve been widowed for 8 years now and I think I’m going to be single for the remainder of my life at this point lol.
(20:06) Voice Message from Kay: Hey Damona! I just wanted to say thank you for your podcast – I’ve just loved it. I’m only 27 but I’d actually just swore off dating about a year ago. I know, why would I give up so early on in life? But listening to your podcast has really equipped me to start approaching dating again. I think I was always really scared of the apps in the past, because I didn’t wanna get a dick pic or match with guys who just wanted to hook up. And I think that’s kind of the stigma around apps in a lot of circles, especially my circles. But listening to your podcast really equipped me to write a good bio, and also how to search for others that had represented themselves well on apps, and to really look for people that shared my values. It’s crazy how you can actually kind of do that even in such a little picture of who that person is – their little bio and pictures, the questions they’ve answered. It’s so cool that you can actually use a bit of intuition to understand somebody based on how they’ve represented themselves. Anyways, I’ve gone on some very nice dates with some quality men. But my question is, if you have a couple of matches that you’ve connected and gone out with, that you really like, how long before I have to really pick someone and kind of exclude the others? I feel really conflicted about that, and I just want to know what you think.
(25:26) IG Message from M: I want to start online dating again. I was in a fantastic 2.5 year long term relationship with Joe that ended July 2020. We met on Match. I’m still heartbroken over our relationship ending, however I don’t want to wait to find someone wonderful again. I’m a bit hesitant to date again because I have Multiple Sclerosis and I’ve been experiencing balance issues, and at times I have to walk with a cane so I don’t fall. On my dating profile should I say that I have MS? I’m not interested in having children of my own but open to a man who has kids. I’m financially stable, I own my house. I’m looking for someone who is kind, loving, understanding, outgoing, funny, affectionate, and (in the words of Meghan Markle) a “nice guy.”
(30:40) Patreon Question from Dan: How does someone establish a connection with someone else with different interests (but with a shared relationship goal)? For example, my interests may be sports, history, science and current events while my dates interests may be along the lines of cooking, baking, etc? Asking for a friend.
(32:41) Patreon Question from J: Ugh. I’m disappointed. Went on a second date with a man last night and he blurted out that he “doesn’t believe in gay marriage.” I challenged him on this and he had no real explanation other than “it’s just wrong.” Needless to say, we are not a match. I can’t believe it took this long for this information to be revealed (3 weeks of texting, numerous phone calls, and two in person dates). I have my values clearly spelled out in my profile. So he knew where I stand on these issues. But it seems I need to improve my screening process even further. Any tips for getting these core-values cleared up very early on in the process?
(35:28) Patreon Question from M: When a man asks do you exercise, is he concerned whether I’m healthy or active or something else? I purposefully do not list how much I exercise as I have a bad knee, but I do some walking and dancing. This man also said he’s concerned about people who can’t walk well at work because they don’t take care of their health. I think it’s kind of rude to ask that in a first conversation, but it may be his priority. I’m feeling like I should just pass on this guy? What are your thoughts Damona? Thanks!!!
(37:22) Patreon Question from T: Is it rude to ask someone to share more photos? My profile has clear headshots and full body shots and I want to see that in a profile before I respond. Is there a cute way to ask? I once asked a guy if he had any close up shots since he only had a distant full body photo. I told him that I wanted to see his eyes and smile. He said he would send me some but I just wanted him to add them to his profile, not send them to my email. Am I being too dramatic? #frustratedwithshittyprofiles