Are you ready for a powerful conversation?

We have an exciting interview with a TikTok star who may have predicted her own wedding in a video. The inspirational Alexa Carlin is here today to tell us about how she cheated death at the age of 21 and the lessons from her harrowing experience that prepared her for success in love and life.

DATING DISH (2:15)

(2:15) Crushin’ on your coworker:This Forbes article reported on a new study finding that 50% of US workers have a crush on a co-worker, and 33% are currently involved in a workplace romance. And get this – that 33% is 6% higher than before the pandemic.

Two things are happening here. One, we’ve become used to talking to people digitally, and become more skillful at expressing ourselves over text and video chat. Two, people aren’t under the watchful eye of Big Brother. So, there is more freedom to pursue a playful workplace romance.

But even as work relationships are coming back, is it still worth risking everything you’ve worked for to date that person? D’s take is that even though working from home makes the rules feel more flexible, it’s still important to consider the pros and cons when pursuing any kind of relationship at work.

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(7:01) Could TikTok be your new matchmaker?

Turns out online dating doesn’t just have to happen through a dating app or website. The Cut recently published an article redefining online dating as any space online where you can connect with others. Because of Covid lockdowns, social activity (including dating) has increasingly funneled into platforms like Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.

On the one hand, dating apps increase your odds of meeting someone because people go on them with the purpose of meeting someone. But when you are using alternative platforms to make a connection, you start building off of a foundation of some sort of commonality (versus on dating apps, where you are self-starting a conversation).

For instance, the article featured a couple that met because this guy is a musician who used to play on TikTok, and the algorithm was like the matchmaker that recommended him to her. What’s also empowering about this approach, is that you get to self-report what you are about and what’s important to you.

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If you are eager to start experimenting with online dating, offline of the apps, then Damona has some hot tips for you:

• If you’ve just discovered someone you want to DM, make the connection in the public space before transitioning to DMs. Otherwise, this can come off as creepy. Establishing connection and commonality will also give you something to comment on later in the DM.
• If they have a private account, being active in the public space will make your DM request more likely to be accepted. On a lot of platforms, being openly active in the community will keep the algorithm from seeing your DM as suspicious, and your message won’t be left unread for weeks or months.

ALEXA CARLIN (13:40)

Alexa Carlin is a public speaker and TV personality who has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, FOX, ABC, CBS and TEDx. She is the founder and CEO of Women Empower X (WEX), and the author of “Adaptable: How to Lead with Curiosity, Pivot with Purpose, and Thrive through Change”.

Alexa credits her success and the community she has created to surviving a near death experience. She came out of a medically induced coma after being incredibly ill at 19 years old.  She had been given only a 1% chance to live.

Hers is a powerful story, and you can feel Alexa’s power when she speaks.

(15:11) How Alexa met her man:

Here’s how it happened: Alexa was headed to a speaking gig in 2019, when her flight was delayed and she was left sitting in an airport. She had recently deleted all the dating apps on her phone, feeling kind of overwhelmed with the online dating scene.

During her wait, Alexa opened her phone to find that she had forgotten to delete one last dating app. Out of boredom she opened the app, and the first profile looking back at her was her future fiancé, Colby.

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Alexa remembers what caught her attention about Colby’s profile, and what led her to swiping right. First, one of Colby’s pics was of him and his mom – Alexa wanted a partner who was super family oriented. And second, she was struck by the answers to the questions on his profile. One said that his goal is to retire by a certain age (which told Alexa that he’s driven), and he was into similar hobbies as hers like tech and finance.

Alexa also mentions how she felt something more intuitive – “His pictures were not trying to look a certain way. I think it was more the energy I felt from him on this app that just spoke to me.”

(18:38) What was the moment?:

Damona asks Alexa that age-old question – what was the moment she knew she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life? Alexa remembers one moment roughly four months into dating her fiancé in 2019.

She was hosting a conference for her business Women Empower X, which helps women entrepreneurs grow their businesses. This was the first time that Colby had come to the event with her, along with the rest of her family.

Alexa remembers watching Colby man the merch table, while chatting with her grandma pretty much the whole day. “And I looked at him and I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I am so in love with him, and he’s the man that I want to marry. Because at this moment, it was the first time in my entire life that someone meant more to me than my business.”

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(21:47) Nice-to-haves vs must-haves:

Alexa lists the three things that she believes helped her find her person.

• She let go of the thought that she couldn’t have both a demanding career and a relationship. She thought about all the powerhouse women in the world who have both, and told herself “if Beyoncé can do it, then I can find a way.”
• Alexa opened up about having an autoimmune disease. In college, Alexa had a near death experience that left her in a coma. After being diagnosed with this debilitating autoimmune disease, she remembers thinking “how am I going to find love? Because at any moment, my autoimmune can flare up.” With her fiancé Colby, she made the change of being open about her disease right from the start – and evidently this made the difference. Opening up to Colby in this way taught Alexa that your partner may never understand exactly what you’re going through, but what matters is if they can be empathetic and compassionate, and just be there for you.
• She wrote down her list of relationship non-negotiables. One thing Alexa noticed while writing her list, is that a lot of her supposed must-haves were more like “nice-to-haves.” For example, she first wrote down that she wanted to be with someone that was well-traveled and had all these cool experiences. But what she more realistically wanted was someone that would want to travel with her for work.

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(26:00) This may be your last first date:

Damona brings up a TikTok Alexa made in the Summer of 2019, literally RIGHT before her first date with Colby. Alexa’s grandmother would always say “put your lipstick on, maybe today’s the day that you meet that person.” So in the video, Alexa states very optimistically “you never know, this may be my last first date!”

Not only did the date go well, but they ended up closing down the restaurant before even ordering their food. “So right away, I knew I wanted to go on a second date, because we had so much to talk about.”

(29:59) Let’s pivot with purpose:

Things come into your life that you can’t control, so how do you keep on going and not give up? That’s the whole purpose of Alexa’s book, Adaptable. In the same way that we’ve seen ourselves adapt to a new normal amidst Covid, being adaptable is an important quality in your relationships or when you are growing as an individual.

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Alexa recounts that when she had her near-death experience, she ended up in a dark place struggling to find the hope to keep her going, now that she had been diagnosed with this lifelong disease. Eventually she came upon a new perspective – if hope isn’t possible, maybe she could exchange hope with curiosity.

Becoming avidly curious about what may happen if you don’t give up, or if you go on one more date, is enough to push you through your most challenging moments. Alexa adds, “I believe our obstacles can do one of two things, they can hold us back or fuel us forward. And the beautiful thing about that is the choice is always up to you.”

 

Grab a copy of Adaptable: How to Lead with Curiosity, Pivot with Purpose, and Thrive through Change here.

And listen to more of Alexa in “The Alexa Rose Show” on the Callin App.

DEAR DAMONA (34:51)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• IG Message from Mo – Hi Damona! I love your podcast and I’ve been binging from as far back as Google podcasts would let me go. I have a question: what’s your take on empty bios on swipe apps? Especially if they have a bunch of pics that fulfill your 3 C’s. I’ve seen a lot of guys will have empty bios, minimal bios or just put their height. What do you think? Should I just swipe left on these guys?
• Email from Sarah – Love the podcast, thanks for all of your thoughts and insights. I have a really hard time with the emailing that happens between the initial phone call and the first date when meeting through an app. “Good morning,” “Happy Tuesday,” “Hope you had a great day,” and the list could go on for miles… To me these little bids are pseudo intimacy and annoyances. I do not work the kind of job where I can be on my personal phone all day. I have had the experience where a connection has gone sour while my phone is not even with me during my workday because of his expectations of texts. Even if I could text all day I do not want to until after I have actually met someone and know if I want to create a closer connection. Is this just a part of app dating that I have to change my mindset around and learn to get into this? Or is there a better way? Would love to hear your thoughts.

DAMONA’S DEALS

• Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
• Get 10% off your first month of online therapy with BetterHelp by visiting BetterHelp.com/DatesandMates
• Try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit at DatesandMates.com

I probably don’t have to tell you this, but we are officially less than a week away from Valentine’s Day. And so to wish you a very happy almost-Valentine’s day, whether you’re single or coupled, I bring you our Valentine’s Day Special.

Today we are joined by Access Hollywood’s own Mario Lopez and his lovely wife Courtney Lopez, who will tell us the secret to their long-lasting love. There will be a lot of laughs, a lot of heart, and a few embarrassing details that I didn’t see coming.

Then I will answer your most asked Valentine’s Day questions, like how to celebrate on a budget and how to snag a last minute Valentine.

ROMANCE ROLLBACK (1:52)

I’m bringing back an oldie but a goodie segment – The Romance Rollback, where I tell you of love customs from a bygone era. What is the history and meaning behind Valentine’s Day?  From Cupid to St. Valentine to Hallmark, it can be difficult to separate facts from legend. Here’s why February 14th looms so large on our calendars and in our hearts.

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(2:10) The history of our beloved V-day:

Turns out Valentine’s Day goes all the way back to the Third Century, when the Roman Empire ruled the world. (For those of you who don’t have math brains, that’s 200 to 300 AD.) Let me tell you the story of these two saints, both named St. Valentine.

Both Saint Valentines performed heroic acts that made them martyrs within the Christian religion. The name “Valentine’s Day” probably comes from one or both of them. Buuut their stories didn’t end all that romantically – one of these saints performed illegal marriages of young couples, and the other preached Christianity before it was legal. So both saints were beheaded by the Romans.

Once the Romans lost power and Christianity took over, they were like, “You know what? Remember those St. Valentine’s guys? Let’s celebrate them, AND celebrate these marriages AND celebrate Christianity. Let’s make February 14th Saint Valentine’s Day, and we can actually celebrate the way we want to celebrate.”  And St. Valentine’s Day was born!

(3:32) More to the story?:

February 14th was a major holiday celebrated by the Romans every year to honor Juno, the goddess of marriage. The Juno Celebration included a big feast to recognize health and fertility, and young men would draw the name of a woman who they would then escort to the festival.

In the Middle Ages, people believed Feb 14th was the date that birds chose their mates. Additionally, it was also believed that if you met or dreamed about someone on this day, they could be your true love.

(5:00) Here comes commercialism:

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Now we take a turn towards our modern-day version of Valentine’s Day. Let’s look at the timeline:

• 1600s in England and other parts of Western Europe: The custom became to send romantic messages to your Beloved.
• 1800s: People started sending official Valentine greetings comics to their loved ones. Sometimes the messages were a little offensive, maybe a little off color. These messages got so cheeky and lit, that the post office stopped sending them.
• Late 1800s: After the Civil War, V-day became a major celebration in the United States, surpassed only by Christmas (the other super commercialized holiday).
• Also late 1800s: Businesses began printing and selling pre-written Valentine’s Day messages.  People started giving candy and flowers as gifts or taking their partner on a romantic getaway.

(5:00) The modern-day myth of Valentine’s Day:

Now that Valentine’s Day isn’t really a religious holiday anymore, we get to CHOOSE how we want to celebrate. Even though our modern society puts so much emphasis on Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t have to hold the meaning that Hershey’s Valentine’s boxes lead you to believe.

The Goddess Juno tells us to focus on health and fertility. So maybe for you it’s not about the baby kind of fertility, but what you can grow in your life. Think about the ancient Romans – when you plant the seeds in fertile ground right now, who knows what can grow in the next season of your life? So let’s take St. Valentine’s Day, and expand its celebration to include our health and having a healthy relationship with ourselves (plus our partner).

 

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MARIO & COURTNEY (8:30)

My guests today are Mario and Courtney Lopez! Mario is an actor, author, and television and radio host. He currently hosts Access Hollywood, Access Daily and co-hosts the radio show On With Mario with Courtney. He has also appeared on Broadway, authored several books, and he recently opened the restaurant Tortas Lopez.

Courtney is a singer, dancer, actress and she has also appeared on Broadway.  In fact, the couple met in 2008 in the revival Broadway production of A Chorus Line. They married in 2012 and today they have three beautiful children. In addition to hearing her on the iHeart radio show On with Mario, you can often find her guest co-hosting on NBC’s Access Daily, where we all first met.

(10:15) Mario & Courtney’s Love Story:

• D: I want to hear more about your love story. So take me back to 2008. It’s Broadway, A Chorus Line. You’re in the show, Mario, and so are you Courtney. How did the two of you meet?

• • C: I was in the show prior to him joining the show. I left, and ended up coming back for the last couple months. And I remember the day, June 23 or something. Stage left, wing one. And I remember meeting him (he was stretching), and we just met that day. Plus, his assistant in the musical was one of my good friends.
  • M: He said, “Hey, there’s this girl coming to the show that I think you’re gonna like.”

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• D: The last time that I was on Access Daily, I remember there was some mix up with your first date? (11:20)

• • C: Yes! It was after a show, and usually the show doesn’t end until close to 11. He was running late because he had to go have drinks with Katie Couric. And it was a business thing. It was late, so I went home. How long was I going to wait for him, till two in the morning?
  • M: It wasn’t my fault, Katie wanted to party. So I had to put in some work to get another opportunity.
  • C: You know, maybe it would have been the end had we not been working together. But because I saw him every day and he was very persistent, very charming and very sweet, I gave him a second chance. We all deserve second chances.

(12:27) Rom-com recs & 20 Questions:

• D: What rom-coms are you both into?

• • M: The ones from like yesteryear strike a chord with me – You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, Fools Rush In.
  • C: I like all those movies you mentioned, but my go-to’s usually have a comedy twist in it. Movies where they have a lot of speed bumps before getting together, like Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller.

• D: Which one of you is the better listener? (13:53)

• • C: Me. It could be said so nonchalantly, and I remember what people say.

• D: What is your partner’s oddest habit? (14:36)

• • M: Her snoring. You wouldn’t expect such a big sound out of someone so cute, but what happens every night is she snores loud, and then she falls asleep quickly.
  • C: Breaking wind, wherever he is. We could be with the President and he would break wind.

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• D: Describe your sex life in two words? (15:57)

• • M: It’s. Great.
  • C: Non-stop. (Non-stop fun.) And, we have door locks.
  • M: We learned the hard way.  I think being spontaneous makes it a lot of fun. Quick little getaways, even a day or two. You gotta carve out the time.

• D: When did you know that you two were in love? (17:10)

• • M: It’s funny because it wasn’t like I thought anything was ever going to come of it. She was in New York, I was in LA. I had done the long distance thing before. The reality was the odds were against us. So I just tried to enjoy our time while we were together.
  • M: And then over the summer, she started to come out and visit me for like a day or so, for 24 hours. One day I told her, “Okay, I’ll take care of your apartment for like three months if you want to hang out here this summer. And at any point you don’t like me or think I’m crazy, you can go back.” And then she never left.
  • M: It just kind of felt very natural and seamless. But I think the most important thing was that the timing was right. That’s why I say timing is always more important than even the person at times. Because you can have an incredible person, but if the timing is not right in your life, I don’t think it can work.

• D: Do you believe in soulmates? And are they predestined or made? (18:48)

• • C: I can’t see myself with anybody else. I don’t ever want to see myself with anybody else. I can’t even imagine my life with anybody else. So to me, he is my soulmate. Were we meant to be? I think so.
  • M: I think things happen for a reason, and I try to surrender things according to God’s plan. If it’s meant to be, you pick up the signs. Then you’re sort of in charge of your own destiny that way, and it sort of manifested itself. There was an easy flow from one step to the next, and I think that’s how it should be.

• D: What advice do you have for younger couples? (19:57)

• • M: I firmly believe that as long as you work on yourself and try to be the best version of yourself, then the timing will sort of present itself. And that’s a constant process. You want to have the best version of yourself ready when you do meet that certain someone.

• D: Which one of you is more romantic? (20:16)

• • C: Mario, he’s pretty romantic.

• D: Any last words? (21:08)
  • M: I don’t break anything!! That’s another thing is to keep laughing.  It keeps things healthy and fun.  It keeps the spark alive.

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DEAR DAMONA (VALENTINE’s EDITION) (23:05)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

(23:05) Dear Damona: I don’t have a lot of extra money to spend on Valentine’s Day. How can I still make it special?

We’ve got to get creative here. And to be honest, I think it makes for a much more special Valentine’s Day if you are doing something that is meaningful to you and your partner, not just going to a restaurant because that’s what you think you’re supposed to do. You can still make Valentine’s Day Special, if you’d like for it to be. Here are my top DIY-date ideas:

1. Go on a Nostalgia Date (23:53)

I’ve discovered that sharing stories and evoking the memories of a happy time in your past can really build a deep intimate connection with your partner. Open up old photo albums and take a walk down memory lane, or try an activity that you used to do together to bring back bonding memories. This date can really help you if you feel a little bit distant from your partner and you want to reconnect.

2. Homemade Planetarium (24:39)

If you’re stuck at home and you don’t have a lot of money or you can’t get out, go stand outside and look up at the sky. I will admit that I’m a bit nerdy, but isn’t it romantic to stargaze? Think about the ancient Romans and Juno and St. Valentine when they had the stars at their fingertips, or pretend like you’re kids and bundle yourself up and cuddle up outside.

I just downloaded this app called Sky View Lite, which will overlay the constellations onto the sky for you. This date is perfect for curious couples who want to observe the little things that we often overlook.

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3. Blindfolded Trust Walk (25:30)

This is such a great way to build intimacy. When you take away one of your senses, all your other senses get heightened. And also, when your partner has total trust and control, this can create a different dynamic between the two of you. But you have to communicate.

You can take turns leading one another through the house, and make sure that your partner is not going to trip and fall and hurt themselves. This date is transformational for anyone who has experienced a breach of trust in their relationship or feels they are growing apart.

4. Cook a Meal Together at Home (26:43)

Preparing a meal together fosters important relationship skills including patience and communication. You have to work together to make sure you are pacing the meal correctly. And in the end, you get to enjoy something that you made together.

My husband and I are long-time fans of box meal kits – your recipe items come pre-portioned and ready to cook. Most meal kits require you to order by midweek for the following week so be sure to plan ahead (this could even build excitement and anticipation for the date). This date works best if you’ve had miscommunication in your relationship and need to work on compromise.

5. Sip and Paint Night (27:50)

Have you allowed yourself to be artistic and playful lately? Order art supplies for delivery, then pour yourself and your boo a glass of wine. You can even recycle those old Amazon boxes for a creative mixed media masterpiece. This date is wonderful for couples who feel caught up in the pressure of their day-to-day routine and need to relax and find more levity in their relationship.

6. Play Never Have I Ever (28:30)

After many years it sometimes feels like you know everything about your partner. Yet a game of Never Have I Ever can reveal your deepest secrets in a playful way, or perhaps give you ideas for a post-quarantine bucket list? This date is for those who are looking to rediscover magic and curiosity in a long-term relationship.

7. Laugh Together (28:45)

My single clients all say they’re seeking someone with a sense of humor. Sharing a laugh bonds two people, plus smiling can actually improve your mood physiologically. Stream your favorite comedy special, or play a round of “make me laugh” and find your silly side. This date is for anyone who has been feeling depressed or disconnected from their loved one.

8. Listen To Music Together. (29:29)

A University of Cambridge study revealed that music can build empathy, a vital element of successful relationships. Take yourself back to a simpler time by sitting down at the piano together or putting on a record. Catch a live-streaming concert, or have a battle of your favorite singers online. This date works for couples who are overwhelmed by the pace of life and are craving a simpler date, or those who want to develop more compassion for one another.

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(30:33) Dear Damona: I don’t have a valentine yet. Is it too late? Should I just give up?

No, never give up on love. This doesn’t mean you always have to be in the pursuit of a relationship. But there is nothing wrong with being in the pursuit of a relationship, if that’s something that you want. Here’s the deal – you’ve got less than a week left. It’s not too late, but you gotta step on it. Let me tell you the quickest ways to make a connection this week:

1. Singles Events (31:11)

There’s a ton of singles activities happening both offline and online, because we know people are thinking about Valentine’s Day right now. Go on Eventbrite, or the events website Fever Up. I guarantee you if you just sit at home and wait for the invitations to roll in, it ain’t gonna happen. So check out what is happening, and make a plan.

2. Start Swiping (31:39)

There’s no faster way to find a date than your favorite dating app. Profiles take less than 5 minutes to create and you’ll have an entire dating pool at your fingertips.

And if you need help in a pinch, check out my Free Profile Starter Kit. My tip is to make sure you send outgoing messages once you match (women too). Over 70% of matches never turn into dates, so you have to be proactive to make sure you don’t get lost in the shuffle.

Send a lot more messages, and let go of the outcome. We’re still in peak dating season, so there are always new people cycling through the apps. Don’t give up!

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3. Enlist Your Friends for Help (32:50)

There’s so much shame around singlehood and that doesn’t serve you at all. Ask your friends and other people in your Connectors Circle for an introduction to someone with the qualities you’re looking for.  Be specific and be bold.

4. Slide into those DM’s (33:35)

Honestly, I’d be willing to bet that at some point in the future, Instagram will grow into one of the biggest online dating venues. If you see someone you like that is commenting on one of your friends posts, go ahead and send them a DM. This also applies to Facebook groups and may be a bit easier, because you can get into more of a conversation. But then follow up with a message, follow up with a friend request. You never know where it might lead.

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Today we’re going to do something a little different. I’m bringing back one of my favorite Dates & Mates masterclasses. Only the latest 100 episodes are available on our feed so I brought this out of the vault just for your listening pleasure. We’re going to talk about something that is really integral to my practice as a dating coach – how to develop better habits in dating, right in time for the new year.

BUT FIRST!

This episode is brought to you by my Dating Accelerator Program – the new and improved 10-week version of my most popular group coaching program is launching in January! If you’re ready to date differently in 2022, but you don’t know how to get started, then The Dating Accelerator could be your solution.

Early bird enrollment is open NOW through December 31st, and regular admission starts the first of the year. You can Find out more about The Dating Accelerator at damonahoffman.com/program

THE MASTERCLASS (1:20)

In this rapidly-evolving world of dating, I often see daters operating by old dating rules and not evolving with the dating climate. Many of my clients come to me feeling stuck in what I call a “samskara.” This is essentially a pattern or habit, something that becomes ingrained in you from doing it over and over again. There are both positive samskaras, such as consistently going to the gym, and negative samskaras – the difference is the negative ones hold you back, because these patterns keep attracting the things you don’t want. And as far as dating, the negative samskaras are more common than you think. I’m here to tell you the 8 most common bad dating habits that are preventing you from getting what you want.

I want to be clear. The purpose of this episode is not to shame you, because we all have patterns that need to be changed. But the first step in solving a problem is recognizing the problem, and the next step is putting a plan in action to change it. So I challenge you to change your negative samskaras. So if any of these bad dating habits sound like you, I’m here to tell you how you can fix them.

1. Ghosting. No one wants to be ghosted; but almost everyone does it, and then we make excuses why the other person deserved to be ghosted or didn’t deserve our time. 
   • How to fix it: If you are tired of getting ghosted, you first have to identify where you are ghosting in your own life. This could be through work emails that you think are unimportant, or from people on dating apps that you aren’t attracted to. When you treat others with respect in all settings, you encourage those around you to do the same. Plus, you will communicate more effectively so you don’t get left back in that void.
2. Obligaswiping. I talked about this trend on the podcast a while back, but it is becoming more and more common today. Basically, “obligaswiping” is when you have a dating app installed that you hate, but you feel obligated to go on it and swipe anyway. If you swipe without any intention, you are wasting your time and depleting the energy you have to date.
   • How to fix it: Delete any app that is not bringing you joy or quality dates. Additionally, only swipe on people that you could actually see yourself dating. Remember – don’t aim for high volume, aim for real connections.
3. First date fails.
   • No pre-dating. A lot of people go on reaaally long and draining first dates with someone they’ve really had no contact with prior to the in-person date. Save your time – do a pre-date call! Just a 10-20 min call before the in-person date will let you know if there’s actually any chemistry.
   • Not showing up your best. This may come from burnout, or not wanting to look like you’re trying too hard. But you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. So on every first date, put yourself together the way you want to be seen.
4. The “said-it and forget-it” profile. Some people complain about the difficulty of dating apps, but at the same time have not changed their profile in a significant amount of time or are using old photos. Your profile is a living document, it changes as you change. Your profile should always be a reflection of your current self, and your current relationship goals.
   • How to fix it: Refresh your profile every 1-2 months, plus this will help boost your profile to the top of the algorithm.
5. The texting trap. Texting is not a chemistry builder – it’s a chemistry blocker. Some people think they should spend a lot of time texting before meeting in person, so you can build a rapport together. But when you finally meet IRL, the person you were texting doesn’t seem at all like their virtual self (maybe the banter isn’t as fluid in person, or there isn’t any chemistry).
   • How to fix it: You cannot thoroughly vet a match through text. Instead, set up a call or FaceTime beforehand (as mentioned above), or try to move offline quickly to see if your connection is sustainable in person.
6. Being afraid of starting over. A lot of people stay in relationships that are not healthy, or that they know are not right for them, because they are afraid of starting over.
   • How to fix it: Think of it this way – it’s your destiny to find someone who is your best possible match, as well it is for the other person. So if you’re staying together because of convenience or fear of being alone, you’re blocking two people from their destiny. Plus, with new beginnings comes a whole array of possibilities.
7. Negative self-talk. Do you know that voice that keeps telling you stories about why you must still be single? Yeah, it’s your own mind. And no matter why that voice is telling you those stories, it isn’t doing you any favors.
   • How to fix it: Start by rewriting your mental mantra about love.  When you put that negative mantra to bed, you’ll be able to see your current reality and all the possibilities ahead more clearly. And the more you repeat this new phrase, the more you will believe it.
8. You don’t have a dating plan. Do you believe that love is meant to find you, that romance will just magically happen? Well snap out of it, because this is a myth! Instead when you put a plan in place, the same way you make a plan for anything else in life, you are more likely to get what you want.
   • How to fix it: Get into a program, or get an accountability partner. Do something proactive that puts you on a path to finding love, and see if that changes your outcome.

Speaking of a plan>>>>

This is a 10 week online program based upon the same system I’ve used successfully with hundreds of private clients distilled to easy to follow self-led materials that you can watch, listen, and read on your time, plus live group sessions with me.

Peak dating season begins the first Sunday of the year. January is the time when the biggest number of singles hop on the apps in hopes of finding their person. So we are kicking off this round of The Dating Accelerator in January so I can walk you step by step through my tried and true plan for dating.

It can feel really out of control to date without a plan, without a system. So that’s why I’ve done all the work for you. I’ve laid out all the steps to follow in a simple to follow program. In 30 minutes or less a week, you can shift how you feel about yourself, your outlook on dating and most importantly, your relationship status.

You are pre-qualified to register for this program because I know if you’re here you are ready for a big change in your life in 2022.

Early bird enrollment is open through December 31 only for a very special $300 discounted rate at – DamonaHoffman.com/program. And payment plans are available.

If you are a single person of any gender or orientation who:

• needs a mind, body, and spiritual reset on dating
• Or if you’re feeling isolated coming out of the pandemic and are looking to connect
• Who thrives in a group environment with supportive like-minded people
• And you want NOW to be your time – the time you finally meet your person

Then you are invited to accelerate your love life, improve your dating confidence, shortcut disappointment, and attract a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

Early bird enrollment at a $300 discount is only available until December 31st only at DamonaHoffman.com/program so don’t let this opportunity pass you by.

Early birds get early access to our member Facebook community where you can start talking to each other and getting dating advice immediately. 

This is the best deal on the Dating Accelerator that will be offered this year.

You’re invited to join at DamonaHoffman.com/group

Today’s episode is entirely dedicated to answering your most pressing dating dilemmas.

But FIRST – I have the latest and greatest breakdown on the dating scene today. Every year, Match releases their “Singles In America” study, examining the trends among the US single population (which they have done for the last 11 years). I’ll be looking at this study and analyzing these recent trends so you and I can come up with your dating plan together. Let’s get to it.

MATCH: SINGLES IN AMERICA (1:32)

This year’s study is a JUICY one. I was so eager to get my hands on this study, considering that we’ve all been going through a pandemic for the past year and a half. And IMO, this has been the biggest disruptor in dating culture since the invention of swipe technology. Here are the facts:

(2:52) Single adults account for more than 1/3 of the US adult population.

• The data supports that people are really shifting their priorities to dating someone based on common values, and not so much on the exterior (although good looks still sweeten the deal).
• “Looks are out, emotional maturity is in. Stability is the new sexy,” says Dr. Helen Fisher, Chief Science Advisor to Match.
• 39% of singles say that emotional maturity is, foremost, what they seek more of in a partner.

(3:58) The Covid Effect: intentional dating is on the rise.

• Only 11% of singles want to date casually, while 62% say they seek more meaningful, committed relationships.
• I predict this number will go up, once singles become more comfortable meeting up with strangers again.

(5:08) Desire for marriage is up, but preference for having children is down.

• The desire for a partner who wants marriage has risen from 58% in 2019, to 76% in 2021.
• In 2017, 80% of singles under 40 said it was important to have a partner who wanted to have kids, compared to just 61% today. This shift is especially noticeable among women, who are feeling more freedom to be honest about what they want in their relationships.

(5:08) Is this the death of the f*ckboy?

• 81% of men said they think sex is less important in a relationship now (vs. 87% of women), compared to how they felt before the pandemic.
• Plus, it looks like video dates are here to stay – this year, 1 in 4 singles (27%) had a video date before meeting IRL. Video dates have also helped in avoiding the dating burnout many singles were feeling pre-pandemic. 
• But with the rise of video dates, comes its own set of challenges. Avoid messy and distracting backgrounds, and good lighting is KEY. As for avoiding awkward conversation, don’t overthink it – stay curious and open, which will keep the conversation flowing. And if it gets awkward, just own that it’s awkward and call it out!

(9:53) An openness to interracial dating…

• 45% of singles have actually dated someone outside of their race. And now, 7 in 10 singles say they are open to dating someone of different race or ethnicity – a 22% increase compared to before the pandemic (just a year and a half ago)!
• This shows that we are looking for reasons to connect, and looking for commonalities rather than pointing out the things that make us different. It’s now about getting clear on your goals and your values, and being able to connect authentically around those values and goals.

 

DEAR DAMONA (11:34)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

(12:00) IG Message from Felicia: Hi Damona, I just started listening to your podcast and trust me, I need all the help I can get! Here’s my situation: I met a really nice guy in September for a drink on a Sunday. The next day, we spent the whole day together, and then on Tuesday, I stopped hearing from him. He was moving at 150 mph and now he’s going to hit the brakes or ghost me. He’s a cop who works long shifts but it’s been a week since I’ve heard from him. I might have come off as crazy when I was venting about him to my friend and accidentally sent him the text! It was awkward and I’M SO EMBARRASSED! After that, he only texted me late on Saturday for what feels like a booty call. What should I do?? I think my friends have truly given up on me. I’ve been widowed for 8 years now and I think I’m going to be single for the remainder of my life at this point lol.

(20:06) Voice Message from Kay: Hey Damona! I just wanted to say thank you for your podcast – I’ve just loved it. I’m only 27 but I’d actually just swore off dating about a year ago. I know, why would I give up so early on in life? But listening to your podcast has really equipped me to start approaching dating again. I think I was always really scared of the apps in the past, because I didn’t wanna get a dick pic or match with guys who just wanted to hook up. And I think that’s kind of the stigma around apps in a lot of circles, especially my circles. But listening to your podcast really equipped me to write a good bio, and also how to search for others that had represented themselves well on apps, and to really look for people that shared my values. It’s crazy how you can actually kind of do that even in such a little picture of who that person is – their little bio and pictures, the questions they’ve answered. It’s so cool that you can actually use a bit of intuition to understand somebody based on how they’ve represented themselves. Anyways, I’ve gone on some very nice dates with some quality men. But my question is, if you have a couple of matches that you’ve connected and gone out with, that you really like, how long before I have to really pick someone and kind of exclude the others? I feel really conflicted about that, and I just want to know what you think.

(25:26) IG Message from M: I want to start online dating again. I was in a fantastic 2.5 year long term relationship with Joe that ended July 2020. We met on Match. I’m still heartbroken over our relationship ending, however I don’t want to wait to find someone wonderful again. I’m a bit hesitant to date again because I have Multiple Sclerosis and I’ve been experiencing balance issues, and at times I have to walk with a cane so I don’t fall. On my dating profile should I say that I have MS? I’m not interested in having children of my own but open to a man who has kids. I’m financially stable, I own my house. I’m looking for someone who is kind, loving, understanding, outgoing, funny, affectionate, and (in the words of Meghan Markle) a “nice guy.”

(30:40) Patreon Question from Dan: How does someone establish a connection with someone else with different interests (but with a shared relationship goal)? For example, my interests may be sports, history, science and current events while my dates interests may be along the lines of cooking, baking, etc? Asking for a friend.

(32:41) Patreon Question from J: Ugh. I’m disappointed. Went on a second date with a man last night and he blurted out that he “doesn’t believe in gay marriage.” I challenged him on this and he had no real explanation other than “it’s just wrong.” Needless to say, we are not a match. I can’t believe it took this long for this information to be revealed (3 weeks of texting, numerous phone calls, and two in person dates). I have my values clearly spelled out in my profile. So he knew where I stand on these issues. But it seems I need to improve my screening process even further. Any tips for getting these core-values cleared up very early on in the process?

(35:28) Patreon Question from M: When a man asks do you exercise, is he concerned whether I’m healthy or active or something else? I purposefully do not list how much I exercise as I have a bad knee, but I do some walking and dancing. This man also said he’s concerned about people who can’t walk well at work because they don’t take care of their health. I think it’s kind of rude to ask that in a first conversation, but it may be his priority. I’m feeling like I should just pass on this guy? What are your thoughts Damona? Thanks!!!

(37:22) Patreon Question from T: Is it rude to ask someone to share more photos? My profile has clear headshots and full body shots and I want to see that in a profile before I respond. Is there a cute way to ask? I once asked a guy if he had any close up shots since he only had a distant full body photo. I told him that I wanted to see his eyes and smile. He said he would send me some but I just wanted him to add them to his profile, not send them to my email. Am I being too dramatic? #frustratedwithshittyprofiles

 

IT’S TIME TO LIVE IN LOVE

I have a super exciting episode for you today! I am talking to one of my faves, Laverne Cox, (YES THEE LAVERNE COX) Emmy-nominated actress and Transgender Rights Activist. She is here to tell us all about how she found love on Tinder and how you can, too. 

This is Transgender Awareness week when transgender people and their allies generate awareness about who transgender people are, share stories and experiences, and advance advocacy around the issues of prejudice, discrimination, and violence that affect the transgender community.

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I’ve been a fan of Laverne’s work for years. She’s so wise and so wonderful and regardless of your gender identity or orientation, I know you’re going to love this super-sized, advice-packed interview.

LAVERNE COX (2:25)

Laverne Cox is the first openly transgender actress to be nominated for an Emmy for her brilliant work in Netflix’s series Orange Is The New Black. Since then, she’s produced the documentary Disclosure about transgender representation in Hollywood, she co-starred in the film Promising Young Woman, and she hosts the podcast The Laverne Cox Show. And now, she’s here on Dates & Mates!

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(6:00) Laverne found a love like never before… on TINDER: Laverne spills ALL the tea. So here’s how it went: Laverne and the now-boyf matched on Tinder in NYC before the pandemic but never got to meet. They continued to chat on the app and didn’t catch up in person until months later. When they did, Laverne says they had a really great time and she thought he was awesome. They continued to meet up whenever she was in NYC and eventually fell in love! Laverne points out that even though she is 49 and her boyfriend is 27, the age gap has never been a problem for them – they always have fun together, and it helps that they share a love for music of all kinds. 

Thinking about her past relationships, Laverne says that her last three boyfriends (including her current beau) had never dated a trans woman before herself. She thinks that being famous made them more open to meeting her and exploring a connection. Laverne also adds from her experience, a lot of men who purposefully seek out trans women to date or have sex with, fetishize and objectify their targets. This is perhaps why she’s seen a pattern in dating men who haven’t dated someone trans before.

(12:04) Resilience in the face of objectification: I ask for Laverne’s thoughts on being fetishized since she is both Trans and Black and on dating apps. Laverne responds that even though there is always the chance of fetishization, we have to practice not bringing those traumas into making new connections.

Resilience is key. If you’re always defensive when meeting new people, you won’t be in your “resilience zone.” Practice meeting new people with an open and curious mindset, because the energy you bring to new relationships will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you give it enough power. Laverne notes her strategy is to always give people the benefit of the doubt until they show her otherwise, “and people usually show you very quickly.”

(16:03) Don’t disrespect yourself by accepting less than what you’re looking for in love: Laverne shares that when she was young, she really wanted to be in love. On the other hand, she had an expectation of what it was to be wild, young, and free. But in this instance, her fantasy of what she thought she wanted versus what she really wanted was not in sync (and nowadays amidst hookup culture, I think this happens a lot). So Laverne advises that if you want to have sex, no judgment – but it’s important to be very, very clear if that’s what you want.

(18:58) Love is love: I ask Laverne how she thinks race intersects with dating culture. Laverne remembers what the reaction was like from her fans when she first went public with her ex-boyfriend, who was white. She recalls that many people were disappointed she was dating a white guy and thinks this is because those people wanted their own fantasy for Laverne to be carried out in real life – i.e. wanting her to find her “Black King” or be with the kind of person they wanted her to be with. Laverne continues that it’s hard enough just to find someone you connect with, why would you limit your dating pool? And sometimes you have to be really open in that dating pool to find someone you actually vibe with on a spiritual level. As they say, LOVE IS LOVE.

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(23:31) Laverne’s dating app strategy & a few words on genital preferences: In her own approach, Laverne says her profile was a full-on thirst trap – even though her pics had hookup vibes, she says she used these types of photos only to get the guy’s attention since men are more visual. And surprise, surprise… Men weren’t reading her bio. 

She learned this very early on. Once she matched with someone, Laverne would ask the man three questions:

1. “Did you read in my profile that I’m trans?”
2. “Have you ever dated or had sex with a trans person before?”
3. “If you’ve dated a trans person, did you introduce them to your family?”

Laverne explains that asking these questions upfront is all about eliminating the men that are going to have a problem dating a trans woman. It’s a safety precaution and saves time, so she doesn’t get too far down the line with someone before they find out she’s trans. 

Laverne also adds that some trans women think it’s transphobic if a guy doesn’t accept whatever genitalia she has, but she doesn’t hold it against them. Laverne believes it’s okay and perfectly normal to have genital preferences, just like we would have preferences for anything else in dating. And while it is absolutely NEVER appropriate to ask about a trans person’s genitalia or surgical status in a general setting, Laverne feels that it’s a fair question in the dating game. She says, “I think it’s a waste of your time as a trans woman if a man has a preference for a certain kind of genitalia that you don’t have.” 

(30:38) Your lack of boundaries is attracting the wrong people: Laverne recalls that when she was young, like many Trans girls in early transition, she desperately wanted to be seen as a woman. This created a lack of boundaries – since she wanted others to like her so badly, she would answer everyone’s questions about her body. But Laverne realized later that other people’s projections and thoughts about her transition are not her problem. Being trans is beautiful, and she doesn’t need to take on all that baggage. I think that the more you can share your authentic self and be transparent about what you want and who you are, the more you’re able to attract the right person

(35:12) Are you holding any limiting beliefs about dating?: Laverne describes how getting older has really made her confront the stories we tell ourselves about dating as a woman in her 40’s. She states that “ageism is a story that society has told women,” and a lot of women carry the belief that dating is hopeless once you turn 40. In Laverne’s case, once she embraced her age publicly, she was able to let go of the internalized shame around her age. In the end, finding love is all about shifting our belief systems and shifting our story of ourselves, so we don’t carry around all that negative stuff with us.

What do you do if you encounter someone who won’t date you because of your age? Shame is contagious so don’t waste your time and energy taking on other people’s shame about dating you. 

(35:12) Be a Love Warrior: We should strive to be the embodiment of love, and move through the world that way. She believes that whether you have a relationship or not, walking around and existing in a state of love is what we’re here for. Laverne adds that when we can raise our vibrations to “just being love,” we draw love to us in return. So think about the things that bring you pleasure and a sense of love and magnify that, walk around in that.

Check out my interview on The Laverne Cox Show here! And be sure to follow Laverne on all her socials, @lavernecox.

DEAR DAMONA (44:41)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• Email from Amanda – Thank you for what you do and all the information you share. My bf and I recently broke up after 10 months. We’ve both considered trying again but I’m unsure. He’s a nice guy but I have struggled to feel comfortable in the relationship. He comes off as very stand-off-ish, and doesn’t show much facial expression or spontaneous physical affection. That being said he’s been supportive helping me through life transitions (I’m 32 and he is 40). I wonder if I may have overshared in the relationship. I talked about my PTSD and boundaries which made him uncomfortable and he has continued to make comments about how he can’t be himself around me due to my boundaries. This is a bummer because I wanted to be open and build my trust in him over time. In addition, we struggled to laugh together, only went on dates when I asked, and rarely snuggled up for a movie night despite me asking for that as well. My stress got so bad I finally needed to be on my own. Do you think it’s worth trying again, or am I better off taking some time and finding a relationship where I can be more authentic?
• Email from Bryant – Hi Damona. Hope you are well. I saw you on the Drew Barrymore show and I thought you would be a good person to ask this question. Do celebrities date regular people who are not in the business? If so, how would a normal professional man (me) ask a celebrity out on a date?

DATING AFTER BREAKUP OR DIVORCE???

I get a lot of questions about the rules of dating amidst a big breakup. Especially during a divorce, can you date someone who is separated but still legally married? And how can you get back out there after divorce and avoid making the same relationship mistake again?

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Today, divorce lawyer Jacqueline Newman is here with tips on how to date during a divorce, and the steps you need to take when dating after a breakup as detailed in her book, The New Rules of Divorce: Twelve Secrets to Protecting Your Wealth, Health and Happiness.

 

DATING DISH (1:55)

(1:55) Getting cuffed for the holidays: Cuffing season is upon us – which means a new study from Mashable about cuffing with a breakdown on this year’s season of love.

Now if you don’t know, “cuffing season” ranges from around the beginning of October to Valentine’s Day, and refers to wanting to settle down more in dating (read: cuff-up with someone for the colder months.) There are a number of factors that make us consider long-term relationships around this time: 

• Family gatherings and prying questions from grandma about your dating life
• Less sun exposure so we’re biologically less motivated seek connection
• Seasonal affective disorder and an uptick of feelings of loneliness

The Mashable study surveyed 2,000 American adults, and 71% said they’re more interested in long-term relationships now compared to pre-pandemic (which we saw in another study D&M covered by OK Cupid). 

Logan Ury (Relationship Scientist from Hinge previously featured on D&M) says in the article, this means “you can skip the small talk and have a really interesting conversation,” and go in on a deeper level. HOWEVER, this can lead to burnout very quickly, especially if you’re putting emotional energy into every person you may have an ounce of chemistry with. 

My advice: stay in the game, and don’t run at the first sign of conflict. We have to push through the moments where we feel like giving up because we’ve put 100% of ourselves into dating apps with zero payoff. Try to swipe a little more liberally to increase the amount of conversations you’re starting, but be more vigilant with your screening process of who you’d actually like to meet in person. Remember – it’s just a conversation, not a marriage commitment 

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(8:14) How to dating with Social Anxiety

Dating can feel impossible at times if you experience social anxiety – but trust me you are not alone. Especially after a whole year sans cultural appropriation, no one feels 100% comfortable in person anymore.

This article from Psychology Today covers a study published in Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology which examined the impact of social anxiety and depression on adult relationships.

I was inspired by this article to find some tips to calm your mind when going on dates:

• Read up on some interesting facts or current events – this way, you’ll have topics on the back burner in case the conversation gets quiet. I also encourage you to have stories that you want to share about yourself on the date, in case your mind goes blank.
• Don’t be too hard on yourself – instead of feeling bad when there are lulls in the conversation, use it as an opportunity to ask a question on a topic that you know the other person is interested in, or one where you’re curious for their opinion.
• Get comfortable with silence – instead of feeling pressure to fill the silence or assume that this means you’re not doing your part, wait and see if the other person steps in to fill it. Conversations, much like relationships, are a two-way street. Remember that not all the responsibility is on you. 
• Excuse yourself for a moment – if your anxiety gets triggered, excuse yourself and find a quiet place to regroup. If you’re at a restaurant, for example, leave to use the restroom and spend the next couple of minutes doing some deep breathing exercises. The more you can get in touch with your body and the present moment, the more relieved you will feel. This also works with getting in touch with your senses. Fill in these blanks in your head: I see, I hear, I feel, I smell. 

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REBRAND YOUR BREAKUP (13:40)

I’m joined by Jaqueline Newman, the Managing Partner at a top law firm in Manhattan. She specializes in complex high net worth matrimonial cases and also in negotiating prenuptial agreements. She’s the go-to for divorce advice and has appeared on NBC, ABC, CBS, The New York Times, and so much more.

She tells us where she sees relationships go wrong and how to rebrand yourself after a breakup.

(14:58) What really causes divorce?: Jacqueline gives two main reasons: failed expectations, and communication and not being able to “fight well.”

Everyone loves the honeymoon phase of a relationship, but it’s inevitable that couples will get into disagreements. According to Jacqueline, what really matters is how you get through those disagreements. A big part of this is tabling your emotions during a disagreement – people can forgive, but they don’t forget. 

From a divorce perspective, if you say some really harsh things to your partner in the heat of the moment, this has serious consequences for your relationship and will likely come up in divorce proceedings. So don’t hit below the belt, avoid name-calling, and don’t push the buttons that you know would really hurt the other person. Remember: if you do find yourself getting emotionally charged, separate yourself from the conversation until you can think more clearly.

(20:10) Someone’s gotta wash the dishes: Can you relate? Jacqueline hates doing the dishes. She would always ask her husband to do them, they would never get done, and this would lead to an argument. 

They eventually found a compromise: from the time Jacqueline asked her husband to do the dishes, he would have a 24 hour window to get them done. In that time period, she couldn’t ask or nag him about the dishes at all. In this case, Jacqueline compromised by asking her husband how much time HE needed to get the dishes done. 

(23:12) Social media sets up our expectations: Failed expectations are a big reason for divorce. Jacqueline says that social media is mainly responsible for this. Even though we all have a sense that what other people post is not the whole picture, it can be really easy to compare our lives to Facebook posts. The bar we set for our relationship is so unrealistically high that when things get hard in our own relationships it brings up a lot of self-doubt, anger, and resentment. 

(26:08) When is the right time to start dating amidst divorce?: Before getting divorced AT ALL, Jacqueline will ask her clients “are you sure you want to get divorced?” 

If she hears even a nanosecond of hesitation, she will tell her clients to go to marriage counseling first. Getting divorced takes a huge financial and emotional toll, and it’s hard to turn back. So you need to be absolutely sure before going through with it.

HOT TAKE: As far as dating, Jacqueline says that she thinks dating during the divorce process is okay but who you are dating should not meet your kids. The point is to move forward with your life as much as possible. 

Plus, she encourages you to celebrate if your ex is dating someone new, because a happier person makes for an easier divorce. Seriously, it’s a lot harder to divorce a bitter person.

(29:46) Finances in non-marriage: Mixing finances with your partner when you’re not married can become a bit more complicated. Jacqueline says to check your state’s laws on finances because some states such as New York will not acknowledge common-law marriages (i.e. without having formally registered the relationship as a civil or religious marriage). Although things like child support remain practically the same, things you would otherwise be entitled to, such as asset growth or spouse support, would not be required of the other person by law. 

(35:50) Living your post-divorce life: A lot of opportunities exists post-divorce since you’ve undoubtedly grown and learned a lot in the process. Jacqueline asks that if you’ve just been divorced, prioritize self-care.

The divorces process is a tiring one, especially if a custody battle or a lot of negotiating was involved. Make sure that you’ve fully healed and taken the time to know yourself again so that you can go into dating or a relationship and be able to give as much love as you have for yourself. Also, consider making a 5-year plan for yourself so you are really clear on where you want your life to go from here and on the kind of person you want to be.

Be sure to get a copy of Jacqueline’s book here.

DEAR DAMONA (38:20)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• Email from Anonymous – Hey Damona! So, I recently started dating someone. We texted for about a week, quite a bit. We had a first date, which was great and I felt we connected. We subsequently have had 6 dates (in two weeks), 3 of which were at his home just hanging out. Completely G-rated. How can I find out if he still wants to pursue a relationship with me, since I feel like his texts have cooled down the past few days. I thought things were going really well. Also, I was upfront at the beginning that my ex is in the process of moving out after this whole pandemic thing… Thanks!
• Voice Message from Jon – Hi, this is Jon and I have a question for Damona Hoffman. So I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months now and we met on tinder, and I feel that we definitely have a connection. We’re able to make each other smile, make each other laugh, particularly when we converse in text, FaceTime and phone calls. I even hear him say that he misses me, particularly when he goes out of town on trips. And when he was on a trip to Cabo, he sent me a text saying that he was accepting husband applications, and so you can kind of see how I would take that, that we’re taking it possibly to the next level. So I said that he was my boyfriend. Well, I got a text from him, and it quotes: “Listen, we have to talk. I don’t want to talk anytime before that because I have to get ready for my meeting tomorrow. Walked into lies and they were all congratulating me on my new boyfriend, and while I’m flattered, this is far from what I wanted and at the speed I needed. We are exclusive and I’m not seeing anyone else. I feel it’s far too soon for that title, we’ve collectively spent two weekends together. I really think we need to pump the brakes a lot. I’m not appreciating the liberties you’re taking with these things. Honestly, I’m flattered and I know these aren’t malicious, but these are things I’m looking for in my relationship. It’s about talking about these things and making sure we are both clear. I think I need to take a break and I’ve cancelled my trip for the 14th.” – meaning that he was planning a trip to visit me in North Carolina – “That doesn’t change the fact that I like you, but I need to pause.” So the next day, he called me and we had a conversation. He told me that he wanted a break and that this was not a break-up, however after 7 days I still have not heard from him. I’m getting a little bit of anxiety and allowing my fear to manifest, and think that this is more of a break-up as opposed to a break. So my question is, is this a break? And if so, how long should I allow a certain amount of time before I start to think, if anything, that it’s a break-up. I would love your insight, thank you!