Tag Archive for: ghosting

Selfish Romantic & Audio Attraction

Do you struggle with setting boundaries in a relationship? Do you feel guilty for putting yourself first? Well, what if we told you that prioritizing yourself was actually a key to dating success?

Today we are going to redefine the word “selfish” and explore how being “selfish” is actually an essential part of self-love and self-care. We’ll explore practical ways to prioritize ourselves in romantic relationships, how to set healthy boundaries, and why it’s crucial to avoid losing ourselves in the pursuit of love.

And we will do it all with the help of five-board accredited body confidence coach, author, and speaker, Michelle Elman. She will be joining Damona today to talk about her latest book, “The Selfish Romantic: How to Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself.” 

DATING DISH (1:51)

The dos and don’ts of Hinge audio notes:

If you’ve been in the dating app scene recently then you know about Hinge’s audio prompts, which the app introduced in November 2021. Although the option for audio prompts didn’t revolutionize the way we swipe, hearing someone’s voice on their profile can become a key piece to whether you’re attracted to someone or not. And it limits the amount of information you share which can be important in the early phases of dating when it doesn’t take much to flip from someone peaking your interest to giving you the total “ick” (which we talked about in a recent D&M ep).

That’s why we were so grateful to see this article from Mashable, featuring tips on how to make the most of your audio notes from Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science and friend of the pod, Logan Ury. In the article, Logan shares Hinge’s top 5 most popular voice prompts and some CRUCIAL do’s and don’ts. But all in all, Damona thinks you can never go wrong with the more creative route. The more you can showcase your character in your profile, the more you frame yourself as a real person instead of just a face to swipe on.

MICHELLE ELMAN (8:14)

Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, broadcaster, and public speaker (but you may know her as the queen of boundaries). What you might not know is that she had 15 surgeries before the age of 20, and is a leading expert on body positivity.

Michelle has been featured by Stylist and Glamour, and has appeared on The Today Show, Teen Vogue, E! News and MTV. Lastly, she’s the author of two best-selling books and her most recent book, The Selfish Romantic, is out now! 

(9:24) What inspired The Selfish Romantic?

There seems to be a fine line that is walked between selfishness and self care or self love. But Michelle notes that in order to have self love, you are required to be selfish. “The practicality is you cannot be higher on your priority list unless you start saying no to other people around you. And it’s the same in your dating life. So if you’re putting someone else’s opinion above your own, you aren’t going to make decisions in your love life that are good for you. And so you do need to be more selfish.”

Michelle also talks about her surgery scars, self-consciousness, and how she reframed the relevancy of her scars in her own dating life.

(20:20) Is your focus on dating stunting your growth?

Michelle brings up a pretty life-changing session she had with her life coach. In this session, the coach called Michelle out for making a guy she was dating for 3 weeks her #1 priority (and Michelle was even writing her first book at the time). Michelle says this convo was the catalyst for deciding to reset her dating life by remaining “consciously single” for three years.

Michelle goes into why being consciously single is NOT halting your love life (at least not as much as you think it is) & how she went about her dating detox.

(26:45) The myths & lies about singlehood.

Speaking of Damona’s book and dating myths, Michelle has a lot to say about the myths around being single. “People seem to think that being single is something that accidentally happens to us. That it’s like this illness that gets thrust upon us, or it’s a waiting room until we get our next relationship… We all came into this world single. Being single is the default, being coupled is not the default.”

First of all, treat yourself and get this book The Selfish Romantic out NOW. Second of all, treat yourself again by watching Michelle’s inspiring content on IG @MichelleLElman.

 

DEAR DAMONA (29:18)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from Allison – How can I pursue a relationship rather than friends with benefits? My usual pattern has been to like a guy, sleep with him, then fall hard for him – only to find out that he doesn’t want a serious relationship.

Rachel Lindsay & Trending Globally

We have a big episode today, with a big name guest – so why not kick it off with a big announcement to match?

As many of you know, Damona has been working on her book for the last year or two. And now, we can OFFICIALLY announce the release date and the title!!!

In her 15+ years coaching singles, Damona has found that the biggest game changer for clients is the moment when they throw out the old scripts they’ve been living with – the soulmate myth, the chemistry myth, all the myths that keep us believing that there is one way to find love. As soon as you realize the power you have to live your OWN love story, your life begins to change.

Damona’s book will be the framework to help you do just that. So on January 2nd, 2024, you can buy your copy of F the Fairytale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story. In the meantime, you’ll be hearing excerpts from the book and much more throughout the year.

Now, on to the show! You know our guest today as The Bachelorette from Season 13 and a correspondent on EXTRA. She’s the one and only, Rachel Lindsay! And she has a brand new novel called “Real Love!” that asks what happens when you take the road less traveled.

DATING DISH (2:42)

Match Group served up the world’s first comprehensive survey of dating trends:

If you’ve never heard of Match Group, they’re the ones who own companies like Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, PlentyOfFish and OurTime. And recently, Match Group partnered with research firm Ipsos to dive deep into the current state of online dating. Nearly 20,000 people were surveyed from the US, Germany, Japan, India and Turkey – including people with and without online dating experience

The results were split into three sections covering LGBTQ+ dating, online safety, and how online dating seems to be the foremost venue for making connections. Damona goes over the hottest takes to come out of this data-fest.

RACHEL LINDSAY (14:10)

Rachel Lindsay is currently a correspondent with ExtraTV and she is the host of The Ringer’s “Higher Learning with Van Lathan and Rachel Lindsay” podcast, which was recently nominated for an NAACP. 

Rachel is best known for her role as the first Black lead in the franchise’s history on the 13th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette and as a contestant on the 21st season of ABC’s The Bachelor. 

And her newest book, “Real Love!”, is on shelves… TODAY! 

(17:00) How much of Rachel’s novel draws from IRL?

Rachel’s book “Real Love!” revolves around Maya, a young CEO who is offered the opportunity to join the nationally beloved reality dating show “Real Love.” But after turning down the show, she watches her friend Delilah say yes to the experience. 

Besides the obvious, Rachel says that the book is loosely based on her own journey but stands alone as its own story. On deciding to go on The Bachelor, Rachel says “once I said yes, it changed my life in the best way. But I always think about that girl who almost said no. And so I wanted to explore that.”

Rachel also notes some of the key themes in the book including how we keep ourselves from our own happiness (to quote Rachel, “fear is really the root of all evil.)

(23:30) Throw out the life plan!

Damona brings up an essay from Rachel’s previous book, where she described the 10-year life plan she used to have. And now? Rachel shares that she’s thrown the idea of a life plan out altogether. “Even now, when someone says to me, ‘what is it that you want to do, what’s the end goal?’ I don’t give them one… What I would say is hold true to those things that you don’t want to compromise on your morals, your values, your dreams, your goals. All that should stand through and through.”

(28:05) A fine line between your story and someone else’s…

Damona observes Rachel’s very deliberate choice to have the main character of “Real Love!” be black, and asks if this was a way for Rachel to explore how race factors into finding love today. Rachel says absolutely, noting that “as [Maya] comes to a certain crossroads and she’s open to new opportunities, you see that certain things don’t necessarily match up with her life plan. But is she going to act on them? Or is she not? And that’s a very real life situation.”

(31:02) Blackness and Bachelor Nation.

Rachel had never watched a show from The Bachelor franchise when she first went on as a contestant, later becoming the first black lead of not only The Bachelorette, but of a Bachelor show PERIOD. And although she didn’t have a full concept of how historical her position was, she describes anticipating judgment for every decision she would make by both The Bachelor audience AND the Black community alike. She continues, “I was going to be open to love. And if it came my way, I was going to accept it no matter what package it came in. And I needed to be okay with that. Because I knew the world that I was going to have to face once I made that decision.”

Rachel also describes the biggest advice she has for interracial couples.

 

Be sure to follow Rachel Lindsay on Instagram @TheRachLindsay AND go out and grab YOUR copy of Real Love! – on shelves today!

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (38:15)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Text Message from Anon – Hi Damona! I recently started listening to your podcast and really like it! You inspired me to get back online for dating after taking a couple of years off. My question is: How do I balance the matches and conversations? I’m not very good at, or comfortable with, talking to and meeting multiple guys at once. I don’t want to miss a good potential match due to ignoring messages but I don’t know that spreading myself thin over the matches allows me to really gauge a good connection. I don’t want to get overwhelmed and give up, but I’m not really sure what to do. Thank you!

Beyond Breakups & Therapy Tok

So a headline recently crossed Damona’s desk that there is a spike in breakups right after Valentine’s Day. It’s unfortunate when a relationship comes to an end, especially when it’s one you thought might last forever. But, sometimes, it’s necessary. 

Values change. Sometimes people grow apart or sometimes you realize it’s just not a fit. It’s a difficult part of the dating journey. But it’s also an opportunity, a chance to reset and realign with your needs and your values.

And that’s why we’ve got award-winning divorce attorney and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After, Renée Bauer, here to talk about new beginnings.

DATING DISH (1:50)

How therapy speak took over dating (and what to do about it):

At this point we’re all familiar that dating comes with its own dictionary and buzzwords (Damona’s made an entire TV segment about it on Access Daily with Mario and Kitt). But a recent New York Times article did a deep dive into the psychological terms that have wedged themselves into the dating lexicon – and phrases like love bombing, gaslighting and trauma bonding are only the start.

One of the takes from this article is how therapy lingo and even mentions of therapy can be used by daters to distinguish themselves to prospective matches, or even filter out matches. AKA saying that you go to therapy in your profile can indicate if you and a prospective match are aligned in cultural reference points and the way you see the world.

But the biggest lesson we can learn is the way in which using psychology terms like “toxic” and “narcissist” can go off the rails if we’re not careful. After all, not everyone ranting about their toxic ex on TikTok is a professional. Damona explains how we can avoid this trap.

RENÉE BAUER (7:43)

Renée Bauer is an award-winning divorce attorney, published author, and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After. Her upcoming summit, She Who Wins, runs April 28-29th and focuses on both personal development and business strategy.

(8:07) How to know when a relationship is *over* over.

Damona asks Renée how we can know when a relationship is truly over? Well according to Renée, this straightforward question has a straightforward answer. “How do you know? Usually my answer is, you already do.”

Renée continues that “what happens is we start to listen to our head, we start to crowdsource from people we love who are so well intentioned and who want the best for us. But they don’t know what’s going on inside that house or inside that relationship.” At the end of the day, where you stand with your partner will become much clearer when you turn off your fears of being alone, financial burden, and the unknown. Choose to trust yourself.

Based on her experience as a renowned divorce attorney, Renée also names the signs of a truly healthy relationship (hint: it has to do with conflict).

(14:15) Doubt about debt…

Many of Damona’s clients and participants in The Dating Accelerator Program often mention debt as their number one worry surrounding a potential partner. Everyone seems to want to know – how can I even bring up the subject of debt when getting to know someone?

Renée proposes taking a practical approach – ask open ended questions like, “How do you feel about having debt? What’s your relationship with money like? Are you more of a spender or a saver?” Also keep an eye out for behaviors that suggest they’re uncomfortable talking about money (i.e. avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, changing the subject). 

But – try to refrain from judgment until you know the whole story. People make mistakes and having debt isn’t always a straightforward reason to assume someone is irresponsible with money.

(18:36) After dating & before marriage.

Damona brings up the moving-in-together stage of relationships, and how often couples decide to cohabitate before asking the necessary questions that would prep them for this shift. Renée hops in with the steps she recommends taking before moving in together, one of these steps being to draw up a contract (whether legal or nonprofessional).

The importance of establishing terms of cohabitation also increases when pets and/or kids are involved. “Whether it’s in writing or not, I think the important piece is having those conversations and having clarity around them. Not just in passing, not just over dinner.

(23:22) “Treat marriage like it’s a business.”

Treat your marriage like it’s a business… huh? Renée breaks down that looking at your marriage as a partnership to be protected, although somewhat unromantic, is one of the best ways to strengthen it. For instance, Renée suggests having “state of the union” meetings with your spouse every month. She mentions that “money is probably one of the most common reasons that people get divorced.” So sitting down, talking about whatever’s happening in the marriage, and looking at the numbers in your finances will help keep you and your partner on the same page, and keep tension from building over time.

Renée also details her own experience of dating while being twice-divorced, and how owning your divorce story will release you from any shame you think it carries.

 

Be sure to follow Renée on Instagram @MsReneeBauer and learn more about the She Who Wins Summit at SheWhoWins.com.

 

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (31:30)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

  • IG Message from Andrea – You mentioned keeping your profile active and engaging but with my experience most men are on these apps nowadays for hookups not relationships. In my experience it always turns into sexual comments and never anything of substance. and most have a wife or girlfriend they are living with. 

The Ick & Second Chance Scenario

Okay, we’ve all been there. The date is going well, you’re thinking there may be a future here, and then they do that thing – maybe it’s talking with their mouth full or revealing they don’t like dessert. Say what?! Whatever it is, it’s like a switch, an instant turnoff; it’s the ick!

It’s okay, it’s part of the dating journey. You are going to meet people who aren’t a great fit for you along the way. Hopefully you can learn from them, laugh and move on. 

And that’s why we have authors, Anna Burtt and Kitty Winks, here to talk about their new book, The Little Book of Ick. They’ll also be breaking down how you can actually use icks to your advantage.

DATING DISH (1:55)

Some daters say Instagram helps them date more ‘organically’:

NBC News recently covered a study by YPulse, a youth research firm, sharing that 40% of Gen Zers met their partners through social media while 29% met their partners through dating apps. 

According to the article, Gen Zers say they want to date more “organically” and that meeting through mutual followers or shared communities on social media platforms like Instagram allows them to do this. They add that it’s also easier to vet their matches because they get a deeper look into their lives.

More than half also “feel more comfortable being vulnerable online and over text than in person.” Damona brings up the Online Disinhibition Effect, meaning that we feel more comfortable to share personal info and vulnerable feelings when your dating app gives you that veil of anonymity. So that raises the question – is it better to be starting communication in a space where you have no inhibitions before you’ve even met the other person?

But if we ARE going to shoot our shot and slide into the DMs, Damona shares some of her top tips on how to do so in Nick Viall’s episode of Dates & Mates.

 

We want you to have a dating profile that magnetizes the right dates to you. And that’s why for a limited time only, you can get Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit HERE – this includes prompts and profile templates to help you write a winning profile, & a short tutorial video on how to choose the best dating profile photos.

 

KITTY WINKS & ANNA BURTT (15:40)

Anna Burt is the host of the podcast The Brighton Book Club, and Kitty Winks has been featured in Mashable and Stylist Magazine. Together they are now co-authors of “The Little Book of Ick.”

(16:10) First of all, what the heck is an ick?

Kitty jumps right into it, defining the “ick” as “when you’re dating someone and they do something completely inane and innocuous on the face of it. And then from that moment forward, they’re completely physically repulsive to you. You can’t get past it.” And although there are some obvious universal ones (like being rude to waitstaff), the ick doesn’t show up the same way for everyone. Kitty also adds her take that “the ick is a physical manifestation of something that is already subconsciously there.”

Damona mentions how many people ask her if something is a red flag or not. Anna goes on to explain the differences between red flags and icks.

(21:50) The pyramid of icks.

Damona, Kitty and Anna deliberate the different levels of icks, from frivolous to f**ked up. Some of the icks that come up in The Little Book of Ick are cutting up your food into small pieces, some calling themselves a producer, or ordering a mocha latte (Kitty says “order a coffee or a hot chocolate, just make a decision”). Anna and Kitty also reveal their biggest icks, and Kitty shares the ick she employs to help herself get over her exes.

Although writing The Little Book of Ick has caused Kitty and Anna to see potential icks everywhere they look, they tell us to keep in mind that “no one should take some sides of dating too seriously. It just goes to show how kind of vacuous we all are. And you know, anything can kind of trigger an ick. And there’s no shame in that. I don’t think there’s any shame in being picky.”

 

You can follow Anna Burtt on Instagram @btnbookclub and Kitty Winks on Instagram @KitWinks. And be sure to snag a copy of their book, The Little Book of Ick.

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (34:25)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from M – Dear Damona – Hi, love your show! I paid for a subscription on a dating app to see all the men who “like” me, and I was scrolling through and saw a man who ghosted me 5 years ago, in 2017. This man has stood out in my mind because it was genuinely the best first date I’ve ever had, we were both cracking up the whole time. We stayed at the restaurant until they closed, then went to a wine bar and stayed there until it closed too. He had plenty of opportunities to end the date earlier but we ended up spending 6 hours together that night. We kissed a little at the end of the night, and I never heard from him again. I messaged him on the app the next day to thank him for a lovely evening and to follow up on what he had suggested as our second date, but he never responded. I feel a little scorned but I really had a good time with him. Should I give him another chance?

Ghosting Be Gone & FBI Warning



GHOSTING BE GONE!

Today’s guest, relationship coach Marni Battista of Dating with Dignity, is full of amazing insight into why matches can disappear. She reveals why you might be inviting ghosters into your life and what to do about it!

But first we have headlines:

 

DATING DISH (2:07)

(2:08) This is a case for the FBI: Inside the recent uptick on romance scams in dating apps. 

The Seattle Times revealed a shocking article about the record use of dating apps: Dating app revenue exceeded $3 billion for the first time in 2020, creating unprecedented opportunity for scammers to prey on isolated victims during the pandemic. Here’s why you need to be careful with your wallet when on dating apps. 

(8:12) From Real Housewives of New York to the wedding chapel, why you should get excited about Bethenny Frankel’s engagement!

Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel met her fiancé on a dating app. He came as advertised — better than advertised. He overshot the mark.

MARNI BATTISTA FROM DATING WITH DIGNITY (12:56)

Damona is joined by the insanely informative Marni Battista who just happens to be one of the most knowledgeable dating coaches out there. You may have also seen her on Dr. Phil or CBS.

Marni is on a mission to help daters stop being ghosted for good while maintaining their dating dignity.

(13:53) Marni shares her advice on dating with dignity which can be truly challenging especially during the pandemic. 

(16:23) Surprisingly, you might actually be ghosting others without evening realizing it. Take a look at your inbox to see what your responses might convey to potential matches. Marni gives insight into what your personal patterns of talking with others actually means. 

(21:30) Are you using your busy schedule as an excuse to keep you from meeting others, or are you just not prioritizing your time to best accommodate finding love? Marni reveals that your calendar can reflect the life you want. 

(23:43) Marni gives her thoughts on how fear of rejection can cause you to get stuck from pursuing amazing relationships and keep you from finding true happiness. Learn about to become rejection proof. 

(27:43) Want to create desire? Marni has insight to help you be your best self while creating desire through self-worth. 

(30:42) The texting trap is when you get stuck in a back & forth texting that has been trapped from blossoming further. To get out of this texting rut, Marni reveals that communication is so much bigger than just sending messages! 

(33:22) Get into that get mentality by not wasting your time when it comes to connecting with the one. This means going offline to in-person dates. 

(40:28) What information should you put on your profile that is massively important for potential matches to know? This is extremely essential especially when it comes to having kids. Marni also shares her thought on clearly sharing the type of relationship you are seeking to have. 

 

DEAR DAMONA (50:04)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • A man named B asks: Hey Damona, I love the advice on the podcast! So I have been talking to this girl for 5 weeks (I know still early) and we’re set up to go on our 3rd date. We seem to really click. Lots of conversation and common interest. Our dates are good and natural, going 3 hours with good conversation. She was the one who even dove in for our first kiss!! But texts can be hot and cold at times when they used to be hot. I also saw she was still using her app. Also I had been the one primarily reaching out to start the conversations. I kind of just took the initiative since I did see she would respond right away and would carry the conversation. We lately talk once or twice a day when it used to be a lot more. Trying to not over pursue and matched what she is giving me. I recently started complimenting her more figuring she would like it but now I’m thinking she views it as I’m too interested paired with me being the one who reaches out first. So I’m taking a step back approach and waiting for her to do some initiating. Does this sound like a good approach or how should I handle this situation?
  • Halle says: Hey girl hey 👋🏻 I’ve been listening to your podcast for the last 7 months or so and finally set myself up on two apps this weekend. Do you have any advice for how to handle getting inundated with responses? One of the apps I downloaded was OkCupid and I literally have 1,000+ likes and 200 messages and it’s been like 48 hours. I’m assuming this is happing because I’m fresh meat. But I’M SO OVERWHELMED. Should I ditch all matches under a certain % to try to get this more manageable?? Thanks for your help, and I hope you are well! 

This episode is brought to you by: TEXTNOW

The app solves many major challenges that Damona’s clients face in dating today:

  • You can keep your main number private
  • You can separate your personal and dating contacts
  • Plus, It’s easy to use and FREE.

We are proud to collaborate with an app that empowers modern daters to feel safe and secure. If you want more information, check out Damona’s video on when to give out your number to people you meet on dating apps. Click here!

Download OkCupid today!

OkCupid is FAMOUS for matching people on what MATTERS MOST to them, from food to the type of relationship they want… to politics. They ask you really thoughtful and provoking questions to get to the heart of who you are and what type of person you’re looking for.

Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!

 

 

 

Master Class: How to Change Bad Dating Habits

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVERS!

Do you want to make a change this year? Are you looking to commit to your dating goals? 

If so, you need to stop operating by the old rules of dating. 

Many people who come to me for dating help are stuck in negative dating patterns that have become ingrained and familiar because they do it the same way over and over again.

BAD DATING HABITS & HOW TO FIX THEM (2:30)

  • Ghosting – no one wants to be ghosted but almost everyone does it – then we make excuses for why that person didn’t deserve our time or the respect of a real response
  • Obligaswiping – Do you have a dating app installed on your phone right now that you hate? 
  • First Date Fails
    • No pre-dating 
    • Not showing up your best 
  • The Set it and Forget it profile
  • The Texting Trap – Texting is not a chemistry builder, it’s a chemistry blocker.
  • Being afraid of starting over 
  • Negative self talk – What is that phrase that is playing over and over again in your mind about why you’re still single? 
  • Lack of a plan – Are you buying into the myth that love is meant to find you?

Just like your fitness and wellness routines, dating requires the same dedication to positive habits for the best results.

Take 10 minutes today to start building better habits for you and your future life partner!

WANT MORE SUPPORT?

I’ll be doing a webinar called “Why Dating Apps Don’t Work For You”

on Thursday, January 9th!

In this FREE coaching call, I will go into detail on how you can finally make the dating apps work in your favor for 2020.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER!

If you are ready to date differently in 2020 but you don’t know how to get started – The 30 Day Dating Playbook could be your solution!

I’ve taken the 5 steps to find your match that have worked for hundreds of clients over the many years I’ve been coaching and created an easy to follow 30 day program that will lead you towards the love you deserve.

CLICK HERE TO START TODAY!

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:01  

Hey lovers, today we’re going to talk about something that is really integral to my practice as a dating coach, how to develop better habits and dating, and the rules and you know what I mean? I mean the new rules for finding love. When I was thinking about this topic, and the best way to share this info, I realized that y’all love master classes. I got so many emails thanking me for the master class that I gave on dating app do’s and don’ts and I’m glad that I finally got you all off of that set it and forget it profile technique. And then when I released the masterclass on first dates, I remember one listener wrote to me and said that he had never in his life considered a picnic on a first date. And you know, who got a second date, and a third, and then a fourth date. That guy and my masterclass on how to meet your match has been one of my most popular episodes of dates and mates to date. So Really, this seems to be the best format to share one of the most important aspects of dating today. Now, I present to you my masterclass on the most common bad dating habits and how to rewrite your rules on love.

Intro  1:17  

Damona  1:29  

A lot of times I see daters operating by old dating rules in this new and rapidly changing dating environment. Many people who come to me for dating help are stuck in what my 30 day dating playbook participants know to be a samskaara. So samskaara is a pattern. It’s something that becomes ingrained and familiar because you do it the same way. Over and over again, there are positive some scars like the exercise routine that you commit to. But then there are also negative some scars that hold you back and cause you to keep reliving the past and attracting the same thing that you don’t want into your life again and again and again. And today, I want to talk about a few of the most common bad dating habits, these negative some scars, and how to fix them. And if you hear something that resonates for you, I want you to know that the purpose of this episode is not to shame you. We all have patterns in our lives that are not serving us, that needs to be changed. But the first step in even solving the problem is recognizing the problem. And then the next step is putting a plan in action to change it. So today, I hope that you hear something that makes you feel like I am talking directly to you. And I hope you will accept my challenge today to do something about it. And at the end of the episode, I’ll tell you how I can continue to support you on making this change even after the episode ends. So get your pen and paper ready, because dates and mates masterclass is about to begin, and I’m going to share with you the most common bad dating habits and how to fix them right after this. Welcome back to dates and mates for this masterclass on the eight most common bad dating habits but don’t worry. I’ll also be telling you how to fix them.

 

Number one, ghosting. Look. No one wants to be ghosted, but almost everyone does it. And then we make excuses for why that other person didn’t deserve our time or the respect of a real response. So here’s the bottom line. If you’re tired of getting ghosted, the first thing I asked you to do is to see where you are ghosting in your Your own life. It might just be in work emails that you don’t deem important enough to reply to. Or it could be in messages from dudes online that you think are unattractive. Here’s the fix. When you treat others with respect in all settings, you will find that you encourage those around you to rise up to your level of respect. And you will communicate more effectively so that you don’t get left in that void of ghosting.

Number two obliga swiping. If you haven’t heard this term before, I covered it a couple years ago on the show, but since then it’s become an epidemic. obliga swiping is when you have a dating app installed on your phone right now that you hate that maybe you’ve never had a date from Or that you just go on and start swiping for the momentary ego boost or the boredom blocker. But if you’re swiping without any intention behind it, you’re not only obliga swiping, you are wasting your time and depleting your energy for dating. So here’s the fix, delete any app that is not bringing you joy or quality dates, and then focus on swiping only for people, you actually could see yourself dating, and make it your point not to go for high volume of matches, but instead to make a real connection and move from the app to a real date. Third, we have first date fails, and there are a few of them. First, no pre dating. People tell me that they’re going on tons of first dates that are hours and hours long, but not connecting with anyone. Most of these people that talk to me have had very limited contact with the person predate only over text and then they feel guilty. Leaving once they’re there, don’t waste your time or anyone else’s. I highly recommend the pre date call. So here’s the fix for this one, just 10 minutes on the phone could save you two to three hours and hundreds of dollars in person. The next predate fail is not showing up your best. Often this comes from burnout or the idea that you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard. So many people are setting dates without trying at all. I had a client Tell me on a recent date that a recent date of her showed up in a track suit because he wanted to fit in a workout right before the date. Okay, here’s the fix. You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. So put yourself together the way you want to be seen every single time. All right, we talked about this in the intro but the set it and forget it profile. People tell me that they’re frustrated with dating apps and then I find that their profile and the photos that they’re using are five years old, and they haven’t even read their own profile in months or even years. Your profile is a living document. It changes as you also change as Time marches on. And your profile should always be a reflection of your current self. And your current relationship goals. The fix, refresh it every one to two months. Not only will it be an accurate reflection of who you are, but also what you’re looking for. Plus, it will boost you to the top of the algorithm for people who are searching for someone just like you. Then there’s the texting trap. Texting is not a chemistry builder. It’s chemistry blocker. Yeah, most people think that they should spend a lot of time texting someone before they meet up so they can build a rapport. But what happens when you build a connection and then you finally meet and discover that the person doesn’t look the way you imagined or that their banter in person is far less clever that it was on a screen. You were caught in the texting trap. There’s a fix. You can’t thoroughly vet a match via text, either set a phone call as discussed before, or move offline quickly. So you can see if what you have in writing sustains in person. Then there’s this bad dating habit, being afraid of starting over. I can’t tell you how many listeners of the show tell me that they know they’re in the wrong relationship. But they don’t want to break up because they’re afraid of starting over. If this is your issue, here’s the fix. Think of it this way. It’s your destiny to find the person who’s your best possible match just as it’s your partner’s destiny to be with theirs. And if you’re staying together out of convenience or fear of being alone, you’re blocking two people from their destiny. The next bad dating habit is negative self talk. This is a big one. What is that phrase that’s playing in your mind over and over again about why you’re still single. A major element that could be blocking you from Happiness is your own mind. negative self talk, whether it’s about who you are or what you have to offer in a relationship. Or if it’s about the matches you’re meeting. It isn’t doing you any favors. Here’s the fix. Start with rewriting your mental mantra about love. As corny as it sounds. The more you repeat it, the more you will believe it. And put the negative mantra to bed so you can see the reality and the possibilities before you.

Next bad dating habit, lack of a plan, who this one is huge. Are you buying into the myth that love is meant to find you that romance shouldn’t involve any planning or preparation, it should just magically happen? Well, you’re wrong. I’ve been coaching singles and finding love for nearly 15 years. And time and time again, I find that when people put a plan in place, the same way that they plan for everything else in their life that they are successful at. They get what they want. Here’s the fix, get into a program, get an accountability partner, do something proactive to find love, and see if that changes the outcome for you. Speaking of a plan, if you’re ready to date differently in 2020, but you don’t know how to get started, then the 30 day dating playbook could be your solution. I’ve taken the five steps to find your match that have worked for hundreds of clients. over the many years that I’ve been coaching, and created an easy to follow 30 day program that will lead you towards the love you deserve. I’ll put the link to the 30 day dating playbook in the show notes. But if you have questions about how it works, and about why you haven’t been able to find your dream match yet on your own, I’ll be doing a webinar called why dating apps don’t work for you on Thursday, January You can register for that at the dating secret.com that’s t h e dating secret.com and that link will also be in the show notes. Thank you so much for joining me for Episode 290 of dates and mates the last one I’m 2019 please send me your questions. Any dating or relationship question anything that’s on your mind. You can reach me at Damona Hoffman on all the socials. Or you can leave me a voicemail and of course your question can always remain anonymous if you would like for it to. We know the holidays can be tough for dating and relationships so there will be no break no winter hiatus for us your dates and mates. We will be back again next week with a regular episode. We’re talking with dating and relationship expert Tracy Crossley. I can’t wait for you to hear that episode. She has so much deep transformational work that We’ll be talking about and I know it will be super valuable for you. Thank you so much for listening. I wish you a Happy New Year and as always, happy dating.

Intimacy for Men & Rebel Love: Bonus Episode

“Y’ALL TALK?”

This holiday season, let’s take some time to work on our emotional intimacy. As we know this can be a little harder for men and we want to give you all the best tools to set you up for lasting and clear communication. This week, Damona sat down with Dr. Chris Donaghue, a psychotherapist, a sex therapist, and host of Loveline’s “The Amber Rose Show with Dr. Chris” for a special bonus episode. We talked about A LOT. Here’s the rundown:

How can we improve communication over the holidays? (1:17)

Prepare to have your mind blown: The first step to better communication is SELF CARE. Don’t see the connection? Dr. Chris breaks it down.

How do we carve out the time for emotional and sexual intimacy during the holidays?(2:30)

Does Feminism have benefits for men? (3:10)

THREE MUST-HAVES BEFORE MARRIAGE (4:20)

December 25th is the most popular day for engagements and New Years Day is the second most popular. Whether you’re single or coupled up, Dr. Chris Donaghue, from Loveline’s “The Amber Rose Show with Dr. Chris” tells us three relationship must-haves on this week’s episode before you consider moving on to the next step. 

How much information should you give away when you first start talking? (5:20)

What dating rules should you break? (7:01)

HOW DO YOU MOVE ON AFTER BEING GHOSTED BY YOUR CO-WORKER?  (7:43)

We LOVED having Dr. Chris on the show this week! Be sure to pick up his upcoming book Rebel Love: Break the Rules, Destroy Toxic Habits, and Have the Best Sex of Your Life.

STAY SEXY THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

On average people gain 2-5 lbs over the holidays. You can fight to get it off in January or you can stop the holiday heaviness before it starts by beginning a program with Beach Body on demand. Just go to DatesandMates.com and click the Beach Body Banner to get started.

Election Day & Dating

CAN YOU DATE ACROSS PARTY LINES?

Since the 2016 election, we’ve noticed that politics are increasingly important to daters. In honor of Election Day, Damona sits down with Cyberdating Expert Julie Spira to talk dating across party lines. Here’s the rundown:

D’S DATING DISH (2:32)

Why are fertility rates declining?

The National Center for Health Statistics reports that fertility rates in the United States are down. Damona breaks down what this means and why it’s happening.

Meghan Markle’s “Pre-Pup” Pregnancy Contract

You’ve heard of a prenup but have you ever heard of a “pre-pup”? According to Daily Mail, Meghan Markle made her ex-husband sign a pre-pregnancy contract. Damona discusses the exact stipulations of Markle’s pre-pregnancy contract. Would you use a pre-pregnancy contract?

Ghosters: the end is nigh

Bumble thinks they have found the solution to ghosting! The Telegraph reports that Bumble will be prompting users to respond sooner and to take a “No Ghosting Vow”. Will this actually solve the problem? Damona has thoughts.

POLITICS & DATING (14:35)

Julie Spira is America’s Top Online Dating Expert, Digital Matchmaker, and the CEO of Cyber-Dating Expert. She has been coaching singles on finding love online for almost 25 years and has a great deal of personal experience when it comes to dating across party lines. We talked about a lot:

  • Julie’s research on couples with different political opinions
  • Politics on dating sites and in dating profiles
  • Do single women date across party lines?
  • Who talks about politics more on dates: men or women
  • What political issues split up relationships the most?
  • What this means for your online dating experience

Look out for her forthcoming book, “Love in the Age of Trump: How Politics is Polarizing Relationships.” For more info about the book you can visit Loveintheageoftrump.com.

TECHNICALLY DATING (28:45)

via GIPHY

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • What do you do when your spouse has gained a lot of weight and you’re no longer attracted to them?
  • When do you consider yourself to have been ghosted?
  • Tips to keep the conversation going on the first date
  • How to ask your boyfriend to move with you to another country
  • If you find out your boyfriend has a wife, should you tell her?

HOLLYWOOD HOOKUP (42:40)

Damona closes the show with a Hollywood Hookup for Ariana Grande. Who do you think would be a good match for Ariana? We have some suggestions.

STOP STRESSING ABOUT FIRST DATE OUTFITS

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Micro-Cheating & PTSAD

Our guest co-host this week was Carmelia Ray. Carmelia is an internationally acclaimed matchmaker for high achieving men and the quality women they’re searching for. She’s helped over 7,000 clients and is a renowned TV personality on shows such as Mom vs. Matchmaker and The Real Housewives of Toronto. Appearing in such publications as AskMen, Variety, and The Hollywood Reporter, clients can’t get enough of her “never settle” attitude and we were happy to welcome her on.

D’S DATING DISH (17:14)

New roundup of dating terms

We like to check in on dating slang every once in awhile, and we’ve got some new terms for you to keep an ear out for, including micro-cheating, catch and release, and the slow fade, in addition to some terms we’ve covered before such as breadcrumbing, ghosting, and love bombing. You can read more via FOX News here.

Drew Barrymore gives online dating a try

Barrymore has dreamed of a blind date since she was a little girl, but only recently drummed up the courage to give elite dating app Raya a try. Unfortunately, she didn’t meet with much success, and to make things worse, her ex-husband mentioned he was surprised to see her on the app even though she tried to delete her profile. You can read more via E! here.

A woman’s surprising way of celebrating a divorce

While many say that time heals all wounds, Briana Barksdale would beg to disagree. Barksdale recently held a garage sale where she sold all of the items she owns that remind her of her ex-husband, ending with her burning her wedding dress in front of the onlookers. You can read more via USA Today here.

TECHNICALLY DATING (33:11)

We pull the best questions posted on The Textpert App and BlackPeopleMeet.com, including:

  • How you should feel if your boyfriend went out with his friends on Valentine’s Day
  • What to do if you need to hack your boyfriend’s cellphone to prove he’s cheating
  • What to do if you’re in the military and learn your wife’s found another man

And many more . . .

DAMONA’S DIATRIBE (46:23)

It’s been awhile since Damona’s needed to blow off some steam, but this week we were treated to another diatribe. The topic? Love starting with you.

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