Tag Archive for: ghosting

5 Steps to Start Dating Again After a Breakup

Getting back into the dating game after a breakup, divorce, or just a long pause can feel like learning to walk in heels again—awkward, unsteady, and honestly, a little terrifying. It’s natural to wonder: What if it’s different now? What if it’s too soon?

It is different now. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible.

Whether it’s in the late 20s, 30s, or 40s, stepping back into dating isn’t about chasing some perfect outcome. It’s about reconnecting with what matters and creating space for something new. It doesn’t have to drain energy or self-worth.

Here’s how to ease back in without burning out:

1. Give Yourself Permission to Start Slow

There’s no need to rush. Sometimes, a soft launch back into the dating world is exactly what’s needed. That might look like updating a profile and then ignoring the apps for a week. Or just having a conversation with someone new—no pressure attached.

Check in regularly. Is there curiosity, or does it still feel like too much? That answer will guide the pace, and that pace is perfect.

Starting slow isn’t about hesitation; it’s about self-awareness. If the nervous system still feels frazzled at the idea of swiping, that’s a sign to go easy. Dip a toe in, observe how it feels, and step back out if necessary. Intentional dating is sustainable dating.

2. Get Clear on Boundaries and Needs

This time, dating isn’t happening on autopilot. It’s about intention.

Consider: What is available now? What is no longer acceptable? Whether it’s connection, companionship, or something more serious, clarity is everything.

Write down non-negotiables. Keep them accessible as reminders. These aren’t walls; they’re guardrails. They help maintain alignment with values, even when chemistry is strong.

If a reminder is needed: Boundaries are bridges to authentic connection, not barriers to love.

3. Try Just One New Way to Meet People

There’s no need to sign up for every app, agree to every setup, or spend Saturdays speed dating unless that’s genuinely exciting. Choose one way to dip a toe back in.

Maybe it’s attending a local mixer, trying a single dating app, or saying yes to that invite from a social circle. The goal here is simple: show up. Not to impress—just to connect.

No pressure. No performance. Just presence.

4. Watch the Inner Dialogue—Before and After Dates

This one’s big because the way thoughts are framed shapes the entire experience.

If thoughts like “It’s too late for this” or “No one decent is out there” pop up, it’s time to pause and reframe. Try: “Showing up fully.” Or “Every interaction teaches something new.”

Inner dialogue can either fuel energy or drain it. Choose wisely.

5. Celebrate the Small Wins

Not every date will lead to butterflies or a second meeting, and that’s perfectly fine. Progress isn’t always flashy. Sometimes, it looks like:

  • Updating a profile after months off. 
  • Making it through a first date without overthinking everything. 
  • Saying “no” to someone who didn’t meet personal standards. 

These are wins. Celebrate them. Progress in dating, like in anything else, is built one small, courageous act at a time.

Final Thought: Start Where You Are

Dating again isn’t about being ready in some mythical, fully healed way. It’s about being willing—willing to try, to learn, to stay curious.

There’s no need to be fearless. Just be present.

Take a deep breath. Set the pace. Keep boundaries firm. Speak with kindness internally. And celebrate every single step taken back toward love.

Because it’s not starting over—it’s starting from experience.

Ready to step back into dating with confidence?

Start with a profile that truly reflects you. Our Profile Starter Kit gives you plug‑and‑play templates, storytelling prompts, and a bonus photo‑selection video so your profile feels real, energetic, and aligned with who you are now.

Get the Profile Starter Kit and make your next swipe a match on your terms.

 

How to Avoid Love-Bombing Heartbreak

What is Love-Bombing?

Love-bombing is when someone overwhelms you with excessive attention, flattery, and gifts in the early stages of dating. They text constantly, want to see you all the time, and make grand declarations that feel like you’ve stepped into a rom-com. But like any good movie, it’s scripted, and the ending is rarely a happy one.

At its core, Love-Bombing is about control. It’s designed to create dependency by making you feel like you’ve found “the one” almost instantly. But real love is built over time; it’s a slow burn, not a flash in the pan. If the connection feels too good to be true right out of the gate, it might be.

Why Does It Feel So Good at First?

The initial rush of a love bomber’s attention is intoxicating. The constant texts, surprise gifts, and over-the-top compliments tap right into our brain’s reward system. That’s because all that attention floods your system with dopamine, making you feel euphoric. It’s like a fireworks display, brilliant, intense, and impossible to ignore.

But here’s the catch: fireworks fade, and so does the intensity of Love-Bombing. Once the emotional hook is set, love bombers often start to pull back, leaving you confused and craving that initial high. It’s emotional whiplash, and it’s designed to keep you chasing that first rush.

Neurologically, love-bombing hits like a new crush on steroids. All that attention floods your brain with dopamine—the “feel good” chemical—and oxytocin, the one that makes you want to bond fast. That combo lights up your brain’s reward center like a pinball machine. It feels amazing… and addictive. But just like any high, what goes up usually comes crashing down.

How to Spot Love-Bombing Early

To protect yourself from Love-Bombing, you have to know what to look for. Here are some major signs:

  • Over-the-top gestures early on. Grand declarations of love or constant texting before you’ve really gotten to know each other. 
  • Rushing relationship milestones. Pushing for exclusivity, talking about the future, or wanting to meet your family within weeks. 
  • Constant contact. They need your attention all the time, texting, calling, and DMing nonstop. 
  • Love as a transaction. Their affection comes with strings attached; they may get upset if you don’t respond quickly or reciprocate at the same intensity. 

If you notice these patterns, it’s time to slow things down. True connection takes time to grow, and anyone worth building with will respect your pace.

How to Protect Yourself

  1. Set Boundaries Early. Healthy relationships respect your time and space. If someone’s intensity feels suffocating, it’s okay to ask for breathing room. 
  2. Take Your Time. Love should unfold naturally. If someone is pushing you to move faster than you’re comfortable with, that’s a sign to pause and evaluate. 
  3. Trust Your Gut. If something feels off, trust that feeling. Manipulative behaviors often mask themselves as affection. 
  4. Communicate Clearly. If you sense Love-Bombing, communicate your need for balance and space. A genuine partner will respect that. 

The Bottom Line

Love-bombing might feel like a fireworks show—dazzling at first, but over in a flash.

If you’ve been a victim of love-bombing, it’s not your fault! Most people who do this are masters of manipulation and have done it so many times they’re completely cut off from the emotional consequences that you’re suffering through.

While we cannot change someone else’s behavior, we can do our best to protect ourselves, communicate clearly, and spot the signs of love-bombing before they break our hearts. True love is possible for you if you believe you deserve someone who shows up for you fully and you’re patient enough to let it unfold.

Still wondering how to spot love-bombing early?

In the Dates & Mates podcast episode 2025 Love Astrology & Lovebombing Bombshell,” we answer a listener’s question about what to do when someone showers you with affection on a dating app… only to vanish. We break down the signs, explain why it happened, and share real strategies to stay open without getting played.

Listen now and learn how to protect your heart and your hope.

Top 15 Signs You’re Wasting Time on Mr. or Ms. Wrong

woman sad red flags mr wrong

Dating should add to your life, not drain it. But so many smart, strong women (and men) find themselves stuck giving time and energy to someone who isn’t right for them. Recognizing the signs early can save your heart, mental health, and years of effort. Some red flags are obvious, while others are subtle, showing up as quiet aches or little disappointments. This list cuts through the confusion to help you see when it’s time to walk away.

We’ve all been there, holding onto someone who just isn’t right, hoping things will change. But deep down, you know when it’s time to stop second-guessing and start listening to your gut. A relationship should be a source of joy and growth, not confusion and self-doubt. If you’re noticing more red flags than real connection, it might be time to take a step back and evaluate. Here are the 15 clearest signs you’re investing your time in Mr. or Ms. Wrong.

1. Lack of Consistent Communication

If reaching them feels like a guessing game, interest is likely low. You’re left waiting for texts that never come, or when they finally reply, it’s short and dismissive. You find you’re always the one to keep things going, without real effort on their part. Experts agree that connection is consistent and intentional. If it’s not, it’s time to pause and ask why.

Watch for:

  • Sporadic messages, especially when you need them most
  • Long silences, only to reappear like nothing happened
  • Never initiating conversations or plans

2. You Feel Drained After Interactions

Spending time together shouldn’t wear you out.

Normal tiredness is different from the heavy, anxious feeling that lingers after another difficult chat. If you breathe easier when they leave, emotional balance is missing. Experts agree that love should lift you up, not weigh you down.

3. They Avoid Introducing You to Friends or Family

You don’t know anyone important in their life. They dodge invites or make vague promises.

Meeting loved ones builds deeper trust. Avoidance here keeps you at arm’s length. Real connection is about integration, not isolation.

4. You’re Always the One Initiating Plans

If you stopped texting, calls, and plans would dry up. You’re the event planner and motivator, while they coast. Keeping a little log of who makes the first move week after week can reveal the pattern. Remember, healthy relationships have balance; it shouldn’t feel one-sided.

Checklist:

  • Who texted first last time?
  • Who chose the place to meet?
  • Who followed through on plans?

5. Lack of Respect for Your Time

Late again? Canceled at the last minute?

You begin to expect disappointment. Regular disrespect for your schedule shows low regard and keeps you on the back foot. Experts agree that respect is non-negotiable; your time is just as valuable as theirs.

6. They Don’t Make an Effort to Understand You

When you talk about your dreams, values, or even your day, the interest isn’t there. They forget what matters to you and brush aside your feelings.

Relationships thrive on curiosity and care. If they’re not interested in understanding you, they’re not invested.

7. You Feel More Anxious Than Happy

You walk on eggshells, unsure if today will be another letdown. Excitement has been replaced by knots in your stomach. Happiness should come easily, not be squeezed out by worry.

Experts agree that peace over pressure is key—if you’re more tense than joyful, it’s a sign.

8. They’re Secretive or Hide Important Details

You know nothing about their schedule, their past, or even basic facts friends already share.

They change the subject or feed you half-truths, leaving you uneasy. Authentic love doesn’t hide; it shows up fully.

9. You Constantly Make Excuses for Their Behavior

You defend them to your friends, explaining away lateness, silence, or rudeness.

You rewrite the script to make them look better and silence your own doubts. Experts agree that accountability matters—if you’re the only one justifying, it’s time to rethink.

10. Their Actions Don’t Match Their Words

They talk big, but follow-through is a joke. Grand promises drop flat.

Words and actions should line up. If not, trust unravels. Experts agree that consistency is key.

11. You Feel Lonely Even When You’re Together

The silence between you feels louder than any argument.

Even seated side-by-side, you feel alone. Companionship without connection is just sharing space. Real love fills the room with presence and partnership.

12. They Don’t Prioritize You During Important Moments

You celebrate alone, cry alone, and face big days solo.

Birthdays, job milestones, and tough times pass without their presence or effort. Experts agree that prioritization is an act of love, and you deserve to feel seen.

13. You’re Hiding Parts of Yourself Around Them

You bite your tongue or downplay your quirks, afraid you’ll push them away.

Authenticity fades, and you lose pieces of yourself trying to keep peace. Experts agree that you should always feel safe to be yourself.

14. They Seem Indifferent to Your Needs

Your needs—emotional, physical, or mental—get dismissed or ignored.

You feel invisible or burdensome for asking for basic care. True connection is about meeting each other where you are.

15. You Feel Relief or Happiness When You’re Apart

When they leave, you breathe easier. You’re lighter, happier, and more like yourself without them.

If you’d rather be alone than together, that’s your intuition speaking. Listen, because your heart already knows what your mind is resisting.


Remember

The right person will add to your life, not subtract from it. Experts agree that real love makes the everyday feel extraordinary. If you’re not getting that, it’s time to step back and ask yourself what you really deserve.

5 Simple Steps to Date Again After a Breakup

5 simple steps to take to start dating again after a breakup or divorce

Let’s be real: getting back into the dating game after a breakup, divorce, or just a long pause can feel like learning to walk in heels again: awkward, unsteady, and honestly, a little terrifying.

You might be thinking: What if I’m not ready? What if it’s different now?

Spoiler alert: It is different now. But that doesn’t mean you’re not built for it.

Whether you’re in your late 20s, 30s, or 40s, stepping back into dating isn’t about chasing some perfect outcome. It’s about reconnecting with yourself and creating space for something new. And I promise, it doesn’t have to drain your energy or your self-worth.

Here’s how to ease back in without burning out.

1. Give Yourself Permission to Start Slow

You don’t have to rush. You do not have to rush.

Sometimes we need a soft launch back into the dating world. That might look like updating your profile and then ignoring the apps for a week. Or just having a conversation with someone new, no pressure attached.

Check in with yourself. Are you feeling curious? Or does your gut still need a little healing time? That answer will guide your pace, and that pace is perfect.

2. Get Clear on Your Boundaries and Needs

This time, we’re not dating on autopilot. We’re dating with intention.

Ask yourself: What am I available for now? What do I no longer want to entertain? Whether you’re craving connection, companionship, or something more serious, clarity is everything.

Write down your non-negotiables. Keep them in your phone if you need a reminder. These aren’t walls, they’re your guardrails. They help you stay aligned with your values, even when the chemistry’s strong.

3. Try Just One New Way to Meet People

You don’t need to sign up for every app, agree to every setup, or spend your Saturday speed dating unless that lights you up. Choose one way to dip your toe back in.

Maybe it’s attending a local mixer, trying a single dating app, or saying yes to that invite from your social circle. The goal here is simple: show up. Not to impress. Just to connect.

No pressure. No performance. Just presence.

4. Watch Your Inner Dialogue—Before and After Dates

This one’s big. Because the way you talk to yourself shapes the entire experience.

If you catch yourself saying things like “I’m too old for this” or “No one decent is out there,” pause. Gently reframe. Try: “I’m showing up as my full self.” Or “Every interaction teaches me something new.”

Dating is a learning process. And you don’t need to ace every test; you just need to stay kind to yourself between attempts.

5. Celebrate the Small Wins

Not every date will lead to butterflies or a second meeting, and that’s okay. Progress isn’t always flashy. Sometimes, it looks like:

  • Updating your profile after months off. 
  • Making it through a first date without overthinking everything. 
  • Saying “no” to someone who didn’t meet your standards. 

These are wins. Celebrate them. Progress in dating, like in anything else, is built one small courageous act at a time.

Final Thought: Start Where You Are

Dating again isn’t about being “ready” in some mythical, fully healed way. It’s about being willing. Willing to try, to learn, to stay curious.

You don’t have to be fearless. You just have to be you.

So take a deep breath. Set your pace. Keep your boundaries. Talk to yourself with kindness. And celebrate every single step you take back toward love.

Because you’re not starting over, you’re starting from experience.

Breadcrumbing Is the New Ghosting, and It Hurts More

breadcrumbing in relationships is the new ghosting in dating while singleThe way we connect with others can be both beautiful and complicated. But not every connection is as genuine as it seems. 

Emotional breadcrumbing is a subtle but toxic behavior that can leave you confused, drained, and questioning your worth.

Recognizing it early can save you from unnecessary heartbreak and guide you toward healthier relationships. Let’s explore what emotional breadcrumbing is, how to spot it, and what you can do to protect yourself.

What is Emotional Breadcrumbing?

Emotional breadcrumbing happens when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you interested but never commits to a deeper connection. 

It’s like giving you crumbs of affection without ever offering the whole loaf. While it can occur in romantic relationships, it’s also common in friendships or even family dynamics.

Picture this: They send sporadic texts saying, “I miss you” or “We should catch up soon,” but they never make concrete plans. Or, they compliment you just enough to keep you hopeful but always seem busy when you want to spend quality time.

Unlike healthy relationships, where intentions are clear and consistent, breadcrumbing thrives on vagueness and mixed signals. True connections involve effort, mutual respect, and emotional reciprocity. Breadcrumbing, on the other hand, is based on control and selfishness.

Recognizing the Breadcrumbs

How do you know if someone’s breadcrumbing you? Here are some telltale signs:

  • Inconsistent communication: They might reach out frequently for a week but then vanish for days or weeks without explanation.
  • Vague promises: Phrases like “Let’s hang out soon” or “I’d love to see you one day” rarely lead to actual meetups.
  • Minimal effort: They may “like” your social media posts or send you short replies but never engage in meaningful conversations.
  • Hot and cold behavior: One moment, they seem deeply interested; the next, they’re distant and unavailable.
  • Empty flattery: They shower you with compliments but fail to follow through with actions that match their words.

Pay attention to these patterns. Breadcrumbing doesn’t show up as one big red flag—it’s a trail of little clues that leave you frustrated and unfulfilled.

The Psychology Behind It

Why would someone breadcrumb you? The reasons often have more to do with them than with you.

  • Insecurity: Some people crave attention to feel validated but lack the confidence or emotional maturity to commit.
  • Fear of commitment: They want to keep you around as an option without fully investing in the relationship.
  • Control and convenience: Breadcrumbing gives them power: they decide when and how much attention to give while keeping their emotional barriers intact.

Understanding the motivations behind breadcrumbing doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it can help you see it for what it is: a reflection of their issues, not your worth.

Why Emotional Breadcrumbing Hurts

Breadcrumbing might seem harmless at first, but its long-term effects can take a serious toll on your mental and emotional well-being.

The Emotional Rollercoaster

rollercoaster of breadcrumbing in relationships and dating while being singleWhen someone breadcrumbs you, they create an illusion of possibility. You might feel excited or hopeful when they give you attention, only to be crushed when they inevitably pull away.

This cycle of highs and lows can drain you emotionally, leaving you confused and questioning what you did wrong. It’s exhausting to invest energy into a connection that never fully materializes, and over time, it can feel like a never-ending ride you can’t escape.

Impact on Self-Worth and Relationships

One of the most damaging effects of breadcrumbing is how it chips away at your self-esteem. Being fed crumbs of attention can make you feel like you’re not deserving of more, but that’s far from the truth.

Breadcrumbing can also impact future relationships. The lingering trust issues, fear of being let down again, and emotional scars can make it harder to open up to someone new. That’s why recognizing it early is so critical.

How to Spot Emotional Breadcrumbing Early

The earlier you identify breadcrumbing, the sooner you can protect yourself. Knowing the signs and trusting your gut are key.

Red Flags to Watch Forbreadcrumbing leading people on dating and relationships while single

  • Inconsistent effort: They don’t show up for you in meaningful ways or prioritize you in their life.
  • Avoidance of deep topics: Conversations stay surface-level, avoiding vulnerability or meaningful discussions.
  • Superficial flattery: Compliments without genuine connection or action, such as saying “You’re amazing” but never asking meaningful questions about your life.

These red flags often appear gradually, so it’s important to reflect on the dynamics of the relationship and be honest with yourself.

Questions to Ask Yourself

If you’re unsure whether someone is breadcrumbing you, ask yourself these questions:

  • Do their actions consistently match their words?
  • Do I feel valued and heard, or do I feel like an option?
  • Am I the one always making an effort to keep the relationship going?
  • Do I feel uplifted and fulfilled by this connection, or do I feel drained and second-guessed?

Your answers can reveal whether it’s time to set boundaries or walk away altogether.

The Role of Boundaries

Setting boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s essential. Let the other person know what you need from the relationship and what you won’t tolerate. For example, you might say, “I value consistent communication, and if that’s not possible for you, this won’t work for me.”

Boundaries not only protect your emotional health but also make it clear that you won’t settle for less than you deserve.

Breaking Free from Breadcrumbing

If you’ve discovered you’re in a breadcrumbing situation, it’s time to take back control of your emotional well-being.

Acknowledging the Problem

The first step is recognizing and accepting what’s happening. Don’t make excuses for the other person’s behavior. They’ve shown you who they are through their actions. Be honest with yourself, no matter how hard it feels.

Prioritizing Self-Care and Healing

Healing from breadcrumbing requires focusing on yourself. Spend time with supportive friends, journal your feelings, or consider talking to a therapist. Engage in hobbies or activities that bring you joy and self-fulfillment. The goal is to rebuild your sense of self-worth and remind yourself that you deserve meaningful, respectful connections.

Building Future Relationship Resilience

Use the experience as a lesson for the future. Learn to trust your intuition, recognize red flags, and establish boundaries early in relationships. The stronger your sense of self-worth, the harder it’ll be for anyone to breadcrumb you again.

Time to Reclaim Your Energy

Emotional breadcrumbing can feel like emotional quicksand, keeping you stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment. But you don’t have to stay trapped. By recognizing the signs early, setting boundaries, and prioritizing your emotional health, you can protect yourself and move toward authentic, fulfilling connections.

You deserve more than crumbs. You deserve the whole loaf: someone who values, respects, and shows up for you. Trust yourself to walk away from anything less.

 

Chaotic Singles Party & The Silent Treatment

 

Are you ready to party?! Okay, not really, but we are changing things UP today.

Y’all know that Damona talks A LOT about dating apps. It’s how she met her husband and how she has helped so many others to find love.

But even still, Damona will be the first to tell you that online dating is just one tool you can use in your search. It shouldn’t be your ONLY strategy.  You can also let your friends set you up on a date, try a matchmaker or pick up a new hobby to meet people. 

We all know that chatting with strangers can seem overwhelming but it is a great opportunity to find love and that’s why we have Cassidy Davis, the founder of Chaotic Singles Party, joining us to talk about how to meet your match IRL.

DATING DISH (2:15)

It’s time to embrace the awkward silence:

As this recent article in The Atlantic says, uncomfortable silences have always existed. But they’re harder to avoid today than ever before. Our newfound reliance on Zoom also highlights the way awkward silences can permeate conversations through lag time, glitches, and not knowing who should speak first in a Zoom room full of people. Not to mention, coming out of the pandemic hasn’t helped with practicing social skills. 

Damona dives into what makes silence feel awkward, shares her perspective on why we can all benefit from reframing the awkward pause to just be a “natural pause.”

CASSIDY DAVIS (9:55)

Cassidy Davis is an actor, producer and the creator/host of the Chaotic Singles Party. Cassidy hosts parties monthly in LA and NYC.

She has been featured on Good Morning America, Insider, and the Wall Street Journal and on a little program that is near and dear to our hearts, The Drew Barrymore Show.


(10:30) What is a Chaotic Singles Party?

It all started when Cassidy was feeling “really sadly single for five years” and she had the idea for her and her friends to each invite someone single to a house party. But in a last minute panic, Cassidy invited 65 additional strangers off of Tinder to come to this party too! 

It was such a success (AKA no creeps, no robberies) that Cassidy began hosting these parties monthly. One year later, business is still booming. As Cassidy mentions, “it’s better than going on dates alone, let’s date together as a unit.” 

Cassidy also shares some of her favorite CSP success stories.

(14:15) Making the “meeting IRL” fantasy a reality.

Cassidy says, “My best tip to find success is to really lean into it. It might be way out of your comfort zone to go to a singles event, it might be way out of your comfort zone to start approaching people at the singles event. But the most successful people really just embrace the chaos.”

Cassidy also details why your hobbies (or finding new hobbies) are the key to meeting someone IRL.

(24:10) The ultimate opener…

So you get to the singles event, you’ve got your drink… now what? 

Damona asks for Cassidy’s ideas on good openers for starting a conversation. She states that a compliment can always go a long way. Or if someone is wearing a unique piece of jewelry or a graphic tee (what Damona would call “conversation piece clothing”), point it out!

Damona continues that we can get too caught up in saying the perfect thing to make a lasting impression, and sometimes the simplest move can lead to the biggest payoff. That being said – Damona and Cassidy share the topics you should avoid talking about too much at a singles ever or on a first date.

 

Be sure to follow Cassidy on Instagram @cassidynashdavis and learn more about her events at chaoticsinglesparty.com.

DEAR DAMONA (34:45)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Text from Anya – Hi Damona! You totally changed the way I date and so far, so good, except – I met this guy on a matching app, and we get along SO WELL. We are both creative and have tried to live off our creativity so we both know the struggle. Even on other topics we agree on almost everything. On paper this guy is like, perfect. However, I’m not physically attracted to him! At all!! I’m a pretty sexual being but I don’t feel like touching him in any way, let alone having sex…? Nope. He just feels like my brother or best friend and that’s it. Should I trust my gut and tell him that? Or keep on dating him and see physical attraction grow out of… nothing? He is really a nice guy and I don’t want to lead him on if someone he is meant to be with is out there, waiting for him. I also know myself to be hopelessly romantic and because of that, I wonder if I’m waiting for that butterfly to happen if I meet the “right” person. We just had 2 dates and he hasn’t suggested anything intimate. So part of me hoped for him to say, he also doesn’t feel the chemistry… ugh I. Don’t. Know!! Help!!

Jewish Matchmaking & 5 Date Challenge

Are you dating in reverse?! It’s easy to get caught up in appearances while you’re doing your swiping but in the end does focusing on looks get you your dream partnership?

Probably not. You may have heard Damona mention her four pillars of long-term compatibility in previous episodes – common values, shared goals, trust and healthy communication. These are the things you SHOULD be basing your partner search on.

But shifting your focus is easier said than done, especially in a world that centers on appearances so much (hello Instagram). Luckily, there is plenty of inspo out there for how to date against the grain. We see it reflected in tv shows like Love Is Blind and Married At First Sight.

And, it’s happening again in the newest series to tackle the quest for true love, Netflix’s Jewish Matchmaking. The show stars matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom, as she helps Jewish singles find love across the US and Israel.

We’re excited to share that Aleeza will give us her matchmaking tips, some secrets from the show, and a 5-Date Challenge that’s going to blow your mind. 🤯

DATING DISH (2:20)

Modern dating only feels worse because we keep saying it is:

According to online publication The Face, four out of five US adults have emotional fatigue from online dating and three quarters of UK singles are burnt out from unrewarding interactions. Now, this isn’t necessarily a new stat. But the article makes a crucial point – what we consume becomes our reality. So could it be that going on about how romance is rare, only makes it rarer? 

Damona goes over how to rewrite your “dating samskaras” (AKA our belief patterns about dating) and why we need to stop screenshotting our dating app conversations.

ALEEZA BEN SHALOM (14:05)

Aleeza Ben Shalom is a soulmate clarity coach, speaker, and author of two books, Get Real, Get Married, and Virtual Dating. She has appeared everywhere from BBC World News to NPR to HuffPost. 

Aleeza also trains dating coaches and matchmakers through her company Marriage Minded Mentor, and has helped over 200 singles manifest their soulmate. 

 

(14:40) Not all Jewsish matchmaking is the same…

Aleeza breaks down how matchmaking for Jewish families plays out with different communities. “Jewish matchmaking as a concept is the foundation, but the people that we work with are from all different backgrounds. So we do have a couple that’s Orthodox, we have somebody who’s traditional, somebody who’s kind of middle of the road, we have people that are secular… we’re taking the traditional Jewish wisdom of matchmaking, and we’re bringing it to whatever dating world our people are in.” 

Aleeza also divulges her biggest challenges with her clients on Jewish Matchmaking.

(19:30) Aleeza’s 70/30 rule.

Relationships are built between two individuals, so there is always bound to be compromise. But Aleeza believes 70% of a relationship between these individuals needs to be aligned and balanced on its own. As for the other 30%, this can be where the work and communication comes into play. But all in all, Aleeza states that ZERO percent needs to be a potential dealbreaker, “because one deal breaker breaks the entire deal.”

(23:50) The infamous 5-Date Challenge!

Aleeza compares her experience matchmaking with clients as playing on a playground, giving them challenges here and there. And thus the 5-Date Challenge was born (which you can download here)! 

“First of all, if you’re gonna go out on one date, I want you mentally committing to 5 dates. You bothered to pick the person, you bothered to say yes. Get to know them! Can you break it off before five dates? If it’s an absolute deal breaker.” 

The most controversial thing about the challenge? No touching for those 5 dates.

(32:35) Recommendations on how to incorporate families into the matchmaking process?

We’ve all gotten ourselves on a dating app at some point. But when it comes to matchmaking, many of us don’t even consider incorporating our families into the process. This is a huge aspect of how Aleeza collects her clients’ options, as the wants and needs of the family are often weighed just as heavily as the client. 

With all her experience, Damona asks Aleeza how she navigates this dynamic and how others can begin including their family in the process if they so choose.

 

Be sure to follow Aleeza on Instagram @AleezaBenShalom and check out Jewish Matchmaking on Netflix! And if you want to take on Aleeza’s 5-Date Challenge, you can find it on her website MarriageMindedMentor.com.

DEAR DAMONA (39:17)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from T – Dear Damona, love your podcast! Can people be single for too long? Are there people who just are too set in their ways to meet and keep a significant other?

Empathic Listening & Single Male Loneliness

While scoping out the latest and greatest in dating news, we came across a stat that just about blew our minds – 54% of men say they’d rather play video games than have sex on a given day.

Say what?! The pandemic has without a doubt left many of us feeling lonely and isolated, but we found this info utterly shocking. It comes out of a study on Single Male Loneliness conducted by fellow dating coach, Blaine Anderson. 

The study is jam packed with so many fascinating findings that Damona just HAD to have Blaine on this week’s episode to break it all down. Plus, Blaine is one of the top dating coaches on texting (and you know how passionate Damona gets on the topic). Blaine will be sharing tips for everybody on how to be a better texter, how to send a first message that gets a response, and how to be in integrity in your dating life.

DATING DISH (1:55)

How Drew Barrymore gave us all a masterclass on empathic listening:

If you’ve ever heard Damona talk about empathetic dating, then here’s a headline that will hit home. Huffpost recently published an article taking a deep dive into Drew Barrymore’s interview style on her daytime talk show – but more specifically, how she demonstrates “empathetic listening.” Besides her iconically open and friendly nature, Drew engages in empathetic listening by simultaneously remaining curious and open to her guest’s own experiences. Drew also is big on self disclosure, often candidly sharing info with her audiences about her love life or struggles with addiction. Damona further breaks down why it’s important to be curious and empathetic in our dating lives.

BLAINE ANDERSON (12:08)

Blaine Anderson is a dating coach for men and her mission is to curb the increasing isolation they are experiencing globally. She has been featured in major publications such as The New York Times, Forbes, Psychology Today, NYPost, and Vice i-D.

Blaine offers one-on-one coaching, practical online courses, and relatable dating content via her fast growing company, Dating By Blaine.

(13:45) Going into the stats…

Damona asks Blaine to break down her study on Single Male Loneliness – a big aspect being that men have given up on or see dating as too much effort. Blaine mentions that this is a huge symptom of our addiction to instant entertainment (re: the stat from the intro), and how “human instinct often is to pick the path of least resistance… so you really have to be intentional and motivated to go get your entertainment out in the real world.” Blaine and Damona also share strategies to navigate your dating life phone-free, and easing back into your dating journey after a period of loneliness.

(22:20) The profile photo is EVERYTHING.

So what is the biggest challenge for men when it comes to dating apps? Blaine has a few theories. But first and foremost, you’ve GOT to have a good set of pictures. Your profile photos are a chance for potential matches to see what it would be like dating you, so be sure to include some pics featuring your favorite hobbies and showcasing your interests. 

Blaine then explains the reality of dating app experiences for men vs women based on her findings, PLUS the reality of making the first move…

(34:45) How to avoid the quicksand (AKA the Texting Trap)

If you’ve listened to Dates & Mates before, you’ve probably heard Damona talk about The Texting Trap – essentially, this is when you get stuck chatting with your match solely over text, never making plans to meet IRL. Blaine points out that while it’s important to build a certain amount of trust with your match before meeting up, “it’s much easier to text yourself out of another date than into one.” Blaine additionally shares the most common texting mistake she sees from her clients when leading up to a date.

Blaine and Damona end by answering your most burning texting questions in a round of Yay or Nay: Texting Edition.

Be sure to follow Blaine on Instagram @DatingByBlaine and visit her website DatingByBlaine.com to learn more!

 

DEAR DAMONA (44:15)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Text from M – Hi Damona! I have been online on and off since my divorce in 2018. I have met a lot of wonderful men and have had a few relationships, but I’m still seeking my life partner. I have noticed myself swiping left on men who make a point of mentioning the importance of chemistry in their profiles even though I am a very sexual woman. Is this a mistake? I’ve been treating it as a red flag because it feels like they either don’t value compatibility or they haven’t put much thought into what they want beyond sex. Am I overthinking this?

Love Letters & Undefined Relationships

You all know Damona has been in this game for a minute – and by a minute, we mean like 17 years. Damona has spent her career as a love expert reading, studying, and analyzing all of the trends and stories out there on dating and relationships, so you can chart yourself to the love life you want and deserve.

And there are a handful of people who we’ve been tracking for a while. Folks who share this same passion for stories, for relationship trends, and for love. Meredith Goldstein is one of those people and it’s a special delight for us to share her interview today. Meredith will be sharing insights from her long-running Boston Globe advice column, Love Letters, and her podcast of the same name. 

You know how JLo once said “my love don’t cost a thing”? Well, Meredith and Damona will also be examining the actual cost to be single vs coupled and how it’s far more expensive to be in the wrong relationship! 

DATING DISH (2:05)

How do undefined relationships impact your mental health?:

At this point, we’ve all heard the terms “ghosting” and “situationship” floating around, and Forbes recently published an article spelling out the effects of undefined relationships on mental health. The article first defines a situationship – “a relationship of romantic or sexual nature that exists without commitment and the expectations of such” – and mentions the details of a 2022 YPulse survey, revealing that 16% of Millennials have been involved in a situationship and 35% of Gen Z individuals prefer an undefined relationship rather than one with a label.

Damona further explains why undefined relationships and ambiguity can work against us, and dissects another Time Magazine article written by friend of the pod, Myisha Battle, stating that “situationships are the future of dating, and that’s not a bad thing.”

(Check out Myisha’s Dates & Mates interview!)

MEREDITH GOLDSTEIN (14:20)

Meredith Goldstein is an associate editor and advice columnist for The Boston Globe. Her column, Love Letters, is a daily dispatch of wisdom for the lovelorn that has been running since 2009. She also hosts the popular Love Letters podcast. 

She is the author of the memoir “Can’t Help Myself: Lessons and Confessions From a Modern Advice Columnist,” 

(19:34) Some of the best advice is the wrong advice…

Both Meredith and Damona were questioned when beginning their careers as to why they should be the ones giving others advice. Meredith elaborates, “I always used to tell people – if I was a trained mental health professional, I would not be telling people what to do in 300-word responses, that’s not really what happens. And so much of the process is about hearing an opinion from someone like you or me, and then saying, ‘Well, wait, that’s actually not it.’ Sometimes my best advice is the wrong advice. Because someone says, ‘oh, Meredith, I’m not going to do that. And here’s why.’”

Meredith also shares her own current experience with dating in her 40’s, and what she has learned about the metropolitan dating scene from those 40+ who write to her.

(26:30) Every story is really about money.

In her most recent season of the Love Letters podcast, Meredith decided to center her stories and interviews around the idea of money. “I started to realize that every story we’ve ever told was kind of about money. Like you could call it a story about how to meet someone, but it was about the cost of dating. You could talk about a breakup, but it was about the trip the person took after the breakup or running to the hairstylist to get bangs.”

Damona and Meredith discuss the gray area of dating during inflation, while Meredith relives an interview she did with a man who decided to buy himself a giant ball pit in his mid-fifties.

Be sure to follow Meredith on Instagram @MeredithGoldstein and check out her podcast, Love Letters, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:25)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Text from Dale – Dear Damona, I’m currently on Match and am finding that the majority of men that are interested in me I’m not interested in. The men that I look at their profile and think “oh you could be interesting”, don’t seem interested in me. Maybe that’s just normal, like that there are only a few folks of real interest… I tried really going out with pretty anyone who expressed interest and that just led to nowhere. So basically I’ve stopped dating. Suggestions welcomed.

Selfish Romantic & Audio Attraction

Do you struggle with setting boundaries in a relationship? Do you feel guilty for putting yourself first? Well, what if we told you that prioritizing yourself was actually a key to dating success?

Today we are going to redefine the word “selfish” and explore how being “selfish” is actually an essential part of self-love and self-care. We’ll explore practical ways to prioritize ourselves in romantic relationships, how to set healthy boundaries, and why it’s crucial to avoid losing ourselves in the pursuit of love.

And we will do it all with the help of five-board accredited body confidence coach, author, and speaker, Michelle Elman. She will be joining Damona today to talk about her latest book, “The Selfish Romantic: How to Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself.” 

DATING DISH (1:51)

The dos and don’ts of Hinge audio notes:

If you’ve been in the dating app scene recently then you know about Hinge’s audio prompts, which the app introduced in November 2021. Although the option for audio prompts didn’t revolutionize the way we swipe, hearing someone’s voice on their profile can become a key piece to whether you’re attracted to someone or not. And it limits the amount of information you share which can be important in the early phases of dating when it doesn’t take much to flip from someone peaking your interest to giving you the total “ick” (which we talked about in a recent D&M ep).

That’s why we were so grateful to see this article from Mashable, featuring tips on how to make the most of your audio notes from Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science and friend of the pod, Logan Ury. In the article, Logan shares Hinge’s top 5 most popular voice prompts and some CRUCIAL do’s and don’ts. But all in all, Damona thinks you can never go wrong with the more creative route. The more you can showcase your character in your profile, the more you frame yourself as a real person instead of just a face to swipe on.

MICHELLE ELMAN (8:14)

Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, broadcaster, and public speaker (but you may know her as the queen of boundaries). What you might not know is that she had 15 surgeries before the age of 20, and is a leading expert on body positivity.

Michelle has been featured by Stylist and Glamour, and has appeared on The Today Show, Teen Vogue, E! News and MTV. Lastly, she’s the author of two best-selling books and her most recent book, The Selfish Romantic, is out now! 

(9:24) What inspired The Selfish Romantic?

There seems to be a fine line that is walked between selfishness and self care or self love. But Michelle notes that in order to have self love, you are required to be selfish. “The practicality is you cannot be higher on your priority list unless you start saying no to other people around you. And it’s the same in your dating life. So if you’re putting someone else’s opinion above your own, you aren’t going to make decisions in your love life that are good for you. And so you do need to be more selfish.”

Michelle also talks about her surgery scars, self-consciousness, and how she reframed the relevancy of her scars in her own dating life.

(20:20) Is your focus on dating stunting your growth?

Michelle brings up a pretty life-changing session she had with her life coach. In this session, the coach called Michelle out for making a guy she was dating for 3 weeks her #1 priority (and Michelle was even writing her first book at the time). Michelle says this convo was the catalyst for deciding to reset her dating life by remaining “consciously single” for three years.

Michelle goes into why being consciously single is NOT halting your love life (at least not as much as you think it is) & how she went about her dating detox.

(26:45) The myths & lies about singlehood.

Speaking of Damona’s book and dating myths, Michelle has a lot to say about the myths around being single. “People seem to think that being single is something that accidentally happens to us. That it’s like this illness that gets thrust upon us, or it’s a waiting room until we get our next relationship… We all came into this world single. Being single is the default, being coupled is not the default.”

First of all, treat yourself and get this book The Selfish Romantic out NOW. Second of all, treat yourself again by watching Michelle’s inspiring content on IG @MichelleLElman.

 

DEAR DAMONA (29:18)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from Allison – How can I pursue a relationship rather than friends with benefits? My usual pattern has been to like a guy, sleep with him, then fall hard for him – only to find out that he doesn’t want a serious relationship.

Rachel Lindsay & Trending Globally

We have a big episode today, with a big name guest – so why not kick it off with a big announcement to match?

As many of you know, Damona has been working on her book for the last year or two. And now, we can OFFICIALLY announce the release date and the title!!!

In her 15+ years coaching singles, Damona has found that the biggest game changer for clients is the moment when they throw out the old scripts they’ve been living with – the soulmate myth, the chemistry myth, all the myths that keep us believing that there is one way to find love. As soon as you realize the power you have to live your OWN love story, your life begins to change.

Damona’s book will be the framework to help you do just that. So on January 2nd, 2024, you can buy your copy of F the Fairytale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story. In the meantime, you’ll be hearing excerpts from the book and much more throughout the year.

Now, on to the show! You know our guest today as The Bachelorette from Season 13 and a correspondent on EXTRA. She’s the one and only, Rachel Lindsay! And she has a brand new novel called “Real Love!” that asks what happens when you take the road less traveled.

DATING DISH (2:42)

Match Group served up the world’s first comprehensive survey of dating trends:

If you’ve never heard of Match Group, they’re the ones who own companies like Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, PlentyOfFish and OurTime. And recently, Match Group partnered with research firm Ipsos to dive deep into the current state of online dating. Nearly 20,000 people were surveyed from the US, Germany, Japan, India and Turkey – including people with and without online dating experience

The results were split into three sections covering LGBTQ+ dating, online safety, and how online dating seems to be the foremost venue for making connections. Damona goes over the hottest takes to come out of this data-fest.

RACHEL LINDSAY (14:10)

Rachel Lindsay is currently a correspondent with ExtraTV and she is the host of The Ringer’s “Higher Learning with Van Lathan and Rachel Lindsay” podcast, which was recently nominated for an NAACP. 

Rachel is best known for her role as the first Black lead in the franchise’s history on the 13th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette and as a contestant on the 21st season of ABC’s The Bachelor. 

And her newest book, “Real Love!”, is on shelves… TODAY! 

(17:00) How much of Rachel’s novel draws from IRL?

Rachel’s book “Real Love!” revolves around Maya, a young CEO who is offered the opportunity to join the nationally beloved reality dating show “Real Love.” But after turning down the show, she watches her friend Delilah say yes to the experience. 

Besides the obvious, Rachel says that the book is loosely based on her own journey but stands alone as its own story. On deciding to go on The Bachelor, Rachel says “once I said yes, it changed my life in the best way. But I always think about that girl who almost said no. And so I wanted to explore that.”

Rachel also notes some of the key themes in the book including how we keep ourselves from our own happiness (to quote Rachel, “fear is really the root of all evil.)

(23:30) Throw out the life plan!

Damona brings up an essay from Rachel’s previous book, where she described the 10-year life plan she used to have. And now? Rachel shares that she’s thrown the idea of a life plan out altogether. “Even now, when someone says to me, ‘what is it that you want to do, what’s the end goal?’ I don’t give them one… What I would say is hold true to those things that you don’t want to compromise on your morals, your values, your dreams, your goals. All that should stand through and through.”

(28:05) A fine line between your story and someone else’s…

Damona observes Rachel’s very deliberate choice to have the main character of “Real Love!” be black, and asks if this was a way for Rachel to explore how race factors into finding love today. Rachel says absolutely, noting that “as [Maya] comes to a certain crossroads and she’s open to new opportunities, you see that certain things don’t necessarily match up with her life plan. But is she going to act on them? Or is she not? And that’s a very real life situation.”

(31:02) Blackness and Bachelor Nation.

Rachel had never watched a show from The Bachelor franchise when she first went on as a contestant, later becoming the first black lead of not only The Bachelorette, but of a Bachelor show PERIOD. And although she didn’t have a full concept of how historical her position was, she describes anticipating judgment for every decision she would make by both The Bachelor audience AND the Black community alike. She continues, “I was going to be open to love. And if it came my way, I was going to accept it no matter what package it came in. And I needed to be okay with that. Because I knew the world that I was going to have to face once I made that decision.”

Rachel also describes the biggest advice she has for interracial couples.

 

Be sure to follow Rachel Lindsay on Instagram @TheRachLindsay AND go out and grab YOUR copy of Real Love! – on shelves today!

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (38:15)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Text Message from Anon – Hi Damona! I recently started listening to your podcast and really like it! You inspired me to get back online for dating after taking a couple of years off. My question is: How do I balance the matches and conversations? I’m not very good at, or comfortable with, talking to and meeting multiple guys at once. I don’t want to miss a good potential match due to ignoring messages but I don’t know that spreading myself thin over the matches allows me to really gauge a good connection. I don’t want to get overwhelmed and give up, but I’m not really sure what to do. Thank you!

Beyond Breakups & Therapy Tok

So a headline recently crossed Damona’s desk that there is a spike in breakups right after Valentine’s Day. It’s unfortunate when a relationship comes to an end, especially when it’s one you thought might last forever. But, sometimes, it’s necessary. 

Values change. Sometimes people grow apart or sometimes you realize it’s just not a fit. It’s a difficult part of the dating journey. But it’s also an opportunity, a chance to reset and realign with your needs and your values.

And that’s why we’ve got award-winning divorce attorney and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After, Renée Bauer, here to talk about new beginnings.

DATING DISH (1:50)

How therapy speak took over dating (and what to do about it):

At this point we’re all familiar that dating comes with its own dictionary and buzzwords (Damona’s made an entire TV segment about it on Access Daily with Mario and Kitt). But a recent New York Times article did a deep dive into the psychological terms that have wedged themselves into the dating lexicon – and phrases like love bombing, gaslighting and trauma bonding are only the start.

One of the takes from this article is how therapy lingo and even mentions of therapy can be used by daters to distinguish themselves to prospective matches, or even filter out matches. AKA saying that you go to therapy in your profile can indicate if you and a prospective match are aligned in cultural reference points and the way you see the world.

But the biggest lesson we can learn is the way in which using psychology terms like “toxic” and “narcissist” can go off the rails if we’re not careful. After all, not everyone ranting about their toxic ex on TikTok is a professional. Damona explains how we can avoid this trap.

RENÉE BAUER (7:43)

Renée Bauer is an award-winning divorce attorney, published author, and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After. Her upcoming summit, She Who Wins, runs April 28-29th and focuses on both personal development and business strategy.

(8:07) How to know when a relationship is *over* over.

Damona asks Renée how we can know when a relationship is truly over? Well according to Renée, this straightforward question has a straightforward answer. “How do you know? Usually my answer is, you already do.”

Renée continues that “what happens is we start to listen to our head, we start to crowdsource from people we love who are so well intentioned and who want the best for us. But they don’t know what’s going on inside that house or inside that relationship.” At the end of the day, where you stand with your partner will become much clearer when you turn off your fears of being alone, financial burden, and the unknown. Choose to trust yourself.

Based on her experience as a renowned divorce attorney, Renée also names the signs of a truly healthy relationship (hint: it has to do with conflict).

(14:15) Doubt about debt…

Many of Damona’s clients and participants in The Dating Accelerator Program often mention debt as their number one worry surrounding a potential partner. Everyone seems to want to know – how can I even bring up the subject of debt when getting to know someone?

Renée proposes taking a practical approach – ask open ended questions like, “How do you feel about having debt? What’s your relationship with money like? Are you more of a spender or a saver?” Also keep an eye out for behaviors that suggest they’re uncomfortable talking about money (i.e. avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, changing the subject). 

But – try to refrain from judgment until you know the whole story. People make mistakes and having debt isn’t always a straightforward reason to assume someone is irresponsible with money.

(18:36) After dating & before marriage.

Damona brings up the moving-in-together stage of relationships, and how often couples decide to cohabitate before asking the necessary questions that would prep them for this shift. Renée hops in with the steps she recommends taking before moving in together, one of these steps being to draw up a contract (whether legal or nonprofessional).

The importance of establishing terms of cohabitation also increases when pets and/or kids are involved. “Whether it’s in writing or not, I think the important piece is having those conversations and having clarity around them. Not just in passing, not just over dinner.

(23:22) “Treat marriage like it’s a business.”

Treat your marriage like it’s a business… huh? Renée breaks down that looking at your marriage as a partnership to be protected, although somewhat unromantic, is one of the best ways to strengthen it. For instance, Renée suggests having “state of the union” meetings with your spouse every month. She mentions that “money is probably one of the most common reasons that people get divorced.” So sitting down, talking about whatever’s happening in the marriage, and looking at the numbers in your finances will help keep you and your partner on the same page, and keep tension from building over time.

Renée also details her own experience of dating while being twice-divorced, and how owning your divorce story will release you from any shame you think it carries.

 

Be sure to follow Renée on Instagram @MsReneeBauer and learn more about the She Who Wins Summit at SheWhoWins.com.

 

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (31:30)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

  • IG Message from Andrea – You mentioned keeping your profile active and engaging but with my experience most men are on these apps nowadays for hookups not relationships. In my experience it always turns into sexual comments and never anything of substance. and most have a wife or girlfriend they are living with.