Tag Archive for: Damona Hoffman

Master Class: The 4 Dating Myths & 4 Pillars

This week’s episode is brought to you by Damona’s new book F the Fairy Tale!

 

  • – Drew Barrymore says it’s the relationship book we’ve all been waiting for…hope with a roadmap!
  • – Dr. Drew Pinsky says it’s entertaining, smart and fun.
  • – Lori Gottlieb says it invites readers to take control of their love stories.
  • – John Kim calls it the cold shower and warm cup of tea singles need.

 

What will you say? It’s on bookshelves now or at F the Fairy Tale Book.com

There are many new listeners to the show this week, so let’s get started with a quick introduction to our host, certified dating coach with 17 years of experience, Damona Hoffman.  Damona embarked on this journey after meeting her husband online and having her friends come to her for advice on how to write a dating profile.

Today she writes for The Washington Post, LA Times, LA Magazine, and various other platforms. Damona is also the official Love Expert of The Drew Barrymore Show and a regular on NBC’s Access Daily with Mario Lopez and Kit Hoover.

The Dates & Mates podcast won Best Black Podcast at the Black Podcasting Awards and Damona has been nominated for a Lifetime Achievement Award by the Sonic Bloom Podcasting Awards. Additionally, the show has landed on esteemed top 10 podcast lists by Mashable, Huff Post, and Cosmo.

A few other fun facts about Damona – she is a vibrant Sagittarius, theater enthusiast, yoga lover, and an advocate of all things pink!

Now, the Dates & Mates podcast is typically a blend of headlines, interviews, and Q&A, but today, to mark the new year and celebrate the birthday of her first book, F the Fairy Tale,  Damona is shaking things up with a fan-favorite: a Master Class.

Oh, and don’t miss out! Damona wraps up the episode with her absolute hottest tip for dating in 2024.

The 4 Dating Myths & 4 Pillars Masterclass(2:40)

In her 17 years as a dating coach, Damona has noticed four common yet misleading belief systems being ingrained in daters by media, families, and communities. In her book, Damona pairs each myth with one of the four pillars of long-term compatibility. By unveiling these myths and applying the pillars, daters can reshape their dating perspectives for genuine connections.

(4:32) The List Myth

The List Myth emerges when seeking specific qualities in a match, leading to a mental scorecard during dates. Those following this myth often feel pressured by societal timelines for love or marriage.

If you have ever said this, you may be caught up in The List Myth

  • I’m just really picky and that’s why I never meet anyone.
  • There’s no one online that I’m interested in.
  • Everyone I’ve dated seemed great on paper, at first.

Damona shares how to reframe The List Myth and get your mindset right to create a permanent fix.

(8:00) The Rules Myth

The Rules Myth influences those who view dating as a strategic game and often adopt a mechanical approach to meeting people and going on dates. It dominates modern dating culture, fueling the hunger for content in books, Instagram, and TikTok, where everyone seeks shortcuts to love. This myth emerges early in dating, hindering genuine connections from forming.

If you have ever said this, you may be caught up in The Rules Myth:

  • I never imagined I’d meet my person online.
  • He has to ask me out first or I’m not going.
  • I’m matching with people but once we start texting I lose interest.

Damona reframes The Rules Myth with by advising daters to search for values and tools over rules. Tasha’s story is shared as an example of overcoming The Rules Myth and the success that can come from following Damona’s advice.

(12:45) The Chemistry Myth

The Chemistry Myth insists on immediate sparks for a successful long-term relationship, amplified by the rapid pace of modern dating. Seeking shortcuts often leads to overlooking crucial relationship indicators, causing doubts in dating and relationship decisions.

If you have ever said this, you may be caught up in The Chemistry Myth:

  • It was a nice first date, but I didn’t feel the spark.
  • They aren’t right for me, but we have such great chemistry.
  • They give me butterflies. It’s amazing!

Reframing The Chemistry Myth take a change of focus. Damona talks about breaking free of The Chemistry Myth with clear concise advice.

(16:00) The Soulmate Myth

The Soulmate Myth is the idea that you have one perfect match out in the world waiting to meet you.

If you have ever said this, you may be caught up in  The Soulmate Myth:

  • Love will find me when I’m not looking.
  • If it’s meant to be, it will happen.

These pervasive ideas, while hopeful, can be more damaging than uplifting. They set up this anticipation of perfection, expecting someone flawless to seamlessly walk into your life, aligning perfectly. Yet, reality rarely mirrors that ideal.

Successful relationships often unfold differently than expected. It’s about how you engage every day, choosing to make someone your soulmate through continual actions, not just seeking a perfect match.

Damona explains that reframing The Soulmate Myth starts with a growth mindset and shares an exercise for you to try the next time you are questioning your soulmate story.

Hottest Dating Tip for 2024 (21:54)

This Sunday, January 7th, marks Dating Sunday, the pinnacle of online dating for the year. On this day the apps are loaded with fresh individuals and new dating prospects entering 2024 with renewed intentions and clarity. This is a prime moment to explore new connections, so spend some time on the apps between 7 and 10 pm local time. Don’t let this valuable opportunity slip by.

Dear Damona 

There is no Dear Damona segment this week, but you can still submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook for a future segment!

Dates & Mates podcast listener success story finding untraditional love. New Years resolutions for your love life

Minisode: A Dates & Mates Love Story

Greetings, Happy Holidays, and a warm welcome to all the new listeners joining Dates & Mates from Excuse My Grandma, The Angry Therapist, Lovers & Friends, and more! In this special minisode, Damona has a delightful treat lined up.

For anyone who felt Santa’s deliveries were missing that extra touch of love, worry not! Damona has an inspiring story to share that will fuel your romantic journey. Joining the show is a fantastic guest, ready to unveil a love story woven into the fabric of Dates & Mates.

And stay tuned till the end for quick, actionable advice on creating a New Year’s resolution for love.

ROBIN (2:30)

Today, the focus is on the remarkable love journey of our guest, Robin, who discovered dating success by implementing advice from “Dates and Mates.” Robin’s story serves as a testament to the potency of setting clear goals and values while seeking a partner. 

(3:33) The Power of Clarity and Communication 

Robin shares her love story and how Dates and Mates played a significant role in her journey. Robin highlights the importance of clear communication and setting shared goals and values in a relationship. She mentions how she applied the advice from the podcast, such as getting off dating apps and focusing on building communication through phone calls. Robin also emphasizes the significance of prioritizing how someone treats you over external factors like income or profession. “I remember the shared goals and values that really registered with me and making sure that I was identifying those as early on as possible in dating.” 

(7:03) Navigating Nontraditional Romance

Robin’s love story takes a nontraditional path, as she met her current partner on a dating app after freezing her eggs. Despite societal expectations, Robin and her partner decided that marriage wasn’t their immediate focus. Instead, they prioritized milestones like buying a house and starting a family. Robin’s story challenges the notion of traditional relationship milestones. 

(9:40) Overcoming Challenges and Finding Love

Robin shares her experience of navigating challenges in her dating journey. After a challenging breakup, she took time to reflect on her goals, values, and the lessons she learned. “The breakup was devastating for me. I thought that I was with my person. And I told myself there are three things I want to be sure of before I start dating again.”  She emphasizes the importance of being clear about what you want and not settling for someone who is ambivalent or unsure. Robin’s story shows that when you do the work and have clarity, you can quickly align with the right person. 

 (16:05) Making Your New Year’s Resolution for Love Come True 

Damona provides three tips for making your New Year’s resolution for love a reality:

  1. Write down your goals and visualize them daily.
  2. Share your resolution with a friend or support system to hold you accountable. 
  3. Seek guidance and using available resources, such as her book “F the Fairy Tale,” to navigate the dating process more effectively. Damona’s tips empower individuals to approach dating with clarity and intention in the new year.

As always you can submit your questions for Dear Damona on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! 

Dates & Mates podcast interview with Paul Keable from Ashley Madison about Gen Z joining the app

Decoding Gen Z & Financial Secrets

It’s no question that with every generation the world of dating evolves and changes. Sociologists say baby boomers enjoyed the sexual revolution, Gen X experienced an individualized dating experience, Millennials launched us into the era of online dating, and now Gen Z are really taking things to the next level. From LAT relationships to being monogamish,  Gen Z is looking for relationships that fit their needs while encouraging their growth.

And here to discuss it all with Damona is Paul Keable, the Chief Strategy Officer for Ashley Madison, the world’s leading married dating website.

Now we know what many of you are thinking – “Ashley Madison?! I am looking for a single partner!” And we get it! We are not here to encourage infidelity, but we are here to learn! 

The team over at Ashley Madison has been hard at work compiling invaluable data about its users. So Paul joins us to break down the company’s recently published study, “Decoding Gen Z: A global report on non-monogamy, sex, and the desire for discretion”. 

Dating Dish (2:39)

But first, we have the dating dish and WalletHub’s Financial Secrets Survey reveals intriguing insights:

WalletHub’s latest survey exposes the hidden truths people hold about money in their partnerships. From who’s more secretive to the generational honesty divide, the data is eye-opening. 

Did you know 76% more men harbor financial secrets than women? And surprise, baby boomers top the charts for honesty. But here’s the kicker: nearly one in four people believe their partners don’t deserve financial transparency. 

Yet, as Damona explores, these secrets aren’t just about money—they’re often a stand-in for deeper issues, impacting communication and trust. With 17% unwilling to forgive financial deceit, she challenges us to rethink the risks of hiding financial truths in relationships. There’s more to uncover in this insightful WalletHub study—tune in for the full scoop!

Paul Keable (7:45)

Paul Keable, the Chief Strategy Officer at Ashley Madison, joins the conversation to discuss the company’s recent study on Gen Z relationships and dating. With over seven years of experience at Ashley Madison, Paul sheds light on intriguing insights about the dynamics of relationships among the younger generation. 

(09:46) The Evolution of Ashley Madison and Its Appeal to Gen Z 

Paul Keable shares the evolution of Ashley Madison, which was born in the early 2000s when traditional dating sites like EHarmony and Match were grappling with married individuals pretending to be single on their platforms. The founders of Ashley Madison saw an opportunity to create a space specifically for married people looking to have affairs.

Since its launch in 2001, Ashley Madison has grown to over 80 million members, with a significant portion being Gen Z. Paul believes this is because Gen Z values the discretion that Ashley Madison offers. He also mentions that Gen Z has a greater awareness and acceptance of their own sexuality and sexual activities. He says they no longer feel the same pressures and shame associated with sex that previous generations experienced.

 (13:43) The Changing Dynamics of Relationships

Paul and Damona delve into the changing dynamics of relationships and the unrealistic expectations placed on one person to fulfill all roles in a partnership. Paul explains how Ashley Madison provides a space for individuals to be more honest and open about who they are and what they want in relationships. Damona asks Paul why platonic relationships can’t fulfill those other relationship needs.

The episode also touches on the trend of non-monogamous relationships among Gen Z daters. Paul mentions that 56% of Gen Z individuals surveyed expressed interest in non-monogamy. This reflects a shift in the definition of partnership, where individuals seek multiple partners who fulfill different aspects of their personality and interests. “This doesn’t boil down to just getting in the bedroom and having sex every other day with ten different partners… a far greater portion of people are just saying I want to have a level of intimacy, a connection with people that suit different parts of my personality.

(28:33) The Role of Ashley Madison in Exploring Desires

Paul emphasizes that Ashley Madison is not for people in happy monogamous relationships but rather for those who are seeking emotional validation or are not satisfied sexually in their current relationships. 

He challenges the stereotype that men cheat solely for sexual desire, stating that many men on Ashley Madison seek emotional validation. 

On the other hand, women on the site are often looking for good sex and orgasms that they are not getting from their partners. “80% of the women who came to Ashley Madison said they were there because they were in a sexless or orgasm-less marriage, and you know that really holds true when I speak to my members.”

Read the full Ashley Madison study, “Decoding Gen Z: A global report on non-monogamy, sex, and the desire for discretion”, yourself by visiting ashleymadison.com/insights

Dear Damona (40:34)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show!

  • IG Message from Molly: Hi Damona! I broke up with my ex 10 months ago because of a lot of issues within the relationship. He was a nice person but the puzzle pieces did not fit well for us. I guess for me I am having trouble “letting go/moving on completely”. I have gone on a few dates this year but question if this other person is someone whom I want to build a life with for the next 40 years? How do I move on from my ex?

 

Dear Damona: Much Younger Match & Saying I Love You

The questions have been pouring in and so we are doing an all-Dear Damona episode of Dates & Mates today! Time to ease your minds and get you back on track for love in the new year.

In case you’re new here, our podcast episodes typically happen in three parts – headlines of the week, interviews, and a Dear Damona Q&A segment but we love shaking things up! It’s always to help you understand yourself and handle the ups and downs of modern dating.

“F THE FAIRY TALE” GIVEAWAY (0:00)

If that resonates, be sure to pick up a copy of Damona’s new book, F the Fairy Tale, out January 2nd! Enter our pre-order giveaway at DamonaHoffman.com/giveaway for a chance to win two VIP tickets to The Drew Barrymore Show, a $500 travel voucher, and a $500 shopping spree at Democracy Clothing. 

damona hoffman f the fairy tale book giveaway drew barrymore show

Now…let’s get to these questions!

Dear Damona (3:22)

03:27 IG DM from Aaron

Hi Damona, I started dating someone just under two months ago. It’s going well; the conversation flows. I feel secure and calm when we are together. He told me he loves me a little over a month in. Is that too fast? I’m pretty inexperienced with long-term relationships. How should I know when to say “I love you”?

7:02 Voice memo from V

Hi, Damona. I’m a big fan of your show. Thank you for everything that you do. It’s been so helpful. I do have a question. I’m wondering if you have advice for the ladies out there who are the ones being engaging, keeping a conversation going, asking the questions, and doing the heavy lifting because it’s getting tiring. I find myself in this position. It’s frustrating that it feels like a lot of guys I match with don’t know how to pass that ball back and forth in a conversation. It feels like a dead end. And, frankly, I’m feeling so over it. So, I would love to know your thoughts on if I should just move on

15:57 Email from Montie

Dear Damona, I hope you know that you are my bestie (in my head)!!! You’ve always given such great advice; sister don’t fail me now; just shoot me straight! I’ve been divorced for 12 years, and while I’ve had a couple of significant relationships, nothing has ever stuck as my forever relationship. I’m currently seeing someone who is much younger (I’m 57; he’s 39…gulp!). We click, we vibe, and the relationship is relaxed and easy. We are monogamous, and he’s wanting a forever future with me (we’re approaching 4 months together). I adore him, but I often wonder if I’m excited about being off the market finally or if we really will fit long term! Help!! Or realize that this could just be one of my deal breakers? Honestly, the thought of dealing with it stresses me out.

 

21:48 DM Voice Memo from C:

Dear Damona, I’ve mentioned before that I’m dating in my 30s. And, you know, it’s a priority for me to have a family. I’ve been going on lots of dates. But yeah, I just have not found, honestly, anyone that I’ve been really excited about. There hasn’t really been any man who I’ve gone on more than four dates with. And, yeah, I mean, look, I have to say it’s always me who’s ending it. I’m really struggling, in all honesty, in finding men who are emotionally mature. Just what I consider a basic level of maturity is just so difficult to find for some reason. And so, and I think that’s partially contributing to my disillusionment. But yeah, if you have any tips for sourcing men who are more emotionally mature, that would be great. I’m open to it in real life. I’m open to online. I must be just looking in the wrong places. I don’t know. Thanks!!!

Have More Questions? (33:37)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! 

 

Good Jealousy & Dating App Etiquette

As 2023 draws to a close and the holiday season approaches, you may be experiencing a wave of strong emotions. Perhaps you are introducing your loved ones to your new partner for the first time or fielding questions on why you remain blissfully single. Or you may be contemplating whether to take a relationship break and start fresh in the new year.

Whatever your situation, emotions can run high! That’s why today’s episode features an insightful chat with sex and relationship coach Dr. Tara. She’ll share her secrets to improving conflict resolution through empathetic listening. Dr. Tara will also reveal whether jealousy can play a constructive role in relationships. Additionally, she’ll discuss trends she expects to see in 2024, drawing from her extensive experience as a tenured professor of sexual and relational communication.

But first, this week’s spicy Dating Dish explores the latest dating app etiquette trends you can’t miss.The Dear Damona question is: How do I get my boyfriend to be honest with me? Let’s get started!

 

“F THE FAIRY TALE” GIVEAWAY (0:00)

It’s the giving season, and with all your time spent on others, now is the time to give back to you. For those who pre-order the January-releasing book “F The Fairytale,” our exciting giveaway offers prizes like two VIP Drew Barrymore Show tickets in NYC plus $500 shopping/travel vouchers. Over 30 runners-up can win a 3-month OkCupid Premium membership.

Our publishers. Seal Press and Hachette,  are calling this their biggest book giveaway yet! Be sure to enter to win by preordering your copy today at DamonaHoffman.com/giveaway.

DATING DISH (3:52)

The New Dating App Etiquette

A Washington Post article featuring Damona outlines the new dating app etiquette:

  1. Keep profiles light and fun
  2. Send a real message
  3. Create momentum
  4. Share how you like to communicate
  5. No therapy in the DMs
  6. Pause before you post

Damona elaborates offering unique insights like her #1 ghosting alternative and how to confidently avoid the endless texting trap.

F THE FAIRY TALE FORUM (9:02)

Coming up this Thursday, we’re hosting a virtual cocktail party with top dating experts to deconstruct fairy tale myths and provide pillars for the relationships you desire, whether dating or committed. Incredible authors like Catherine Woodward Thomas and love astrologer Carol Allen will join live panels inspired by Damona’s upcoming book “F the Fairytale.” For one night only, these legends, who rarely collaborate, will answer your questions to walk you into new love. Sign up free now at DamonaHoffman.com/forum to engage live or watch recordings later.

DR. TARA  (11:47)

Joining us today is award-winning sex researcher and Cal State Fullerton professor Dr. Tara, host of the “Luvbites” podcast. As a tenured expert on sexual and relational communication, author of “Sexual Communication Research in Action,” and resident sexpert on the British dating show “Celebs Go Dating,” Dr. Tara’s wisdom has been widely featured from Cosmo to PopSugar.

 

(14:35) The Younger Generation: What Do They Want to Know

College students ask Dr. Tara about alternatives to all-or-nothing monogamy versus complete openness, unaware of relational options between the extremes. Though craving lifelong partnership, Gen Z’s divorce exposure makes them wary, hence the interest in primarily monogamous bonds with some flexibility to periodically push boundaries. “In class, we have a whole unit on relational structures where we talk about different ways you can be in a relationship, and their minds are blown because all they’ve heard is either completely open, polyamorous, or monogamous forever.“

(18:36) Online Dating Trends and Predictions Going into 2024

Dr. Tara has observed much dating fatigue and choice overload on apps lately, but millions still use them. Looking ahead, she expects rising demand, especially among more mindful Gen Z users, for specialized matching based on compatibility and quality over sheer quantity. Compared to her 20s experience feeling overwhelmed by expansive possibilities on early apps like Tinder, Dr. Tara sees today’s focus shifting to self-care through intentional matching with better-suited potential partners.

(25:20) Conflict Resolution with SALLY

When fighting with your spouse, Dr. Tara advises remembering the “SALLY” method to facilitate conflict resolution: Slow down, Ask questions, Listen empathically, List wants, and Yes to doable actions while giving them the benefit of the doubt. Naturally, continued disrespect crosses boundaries, requiring a bigger conversation. But in one-off conflicts, this simple yet evergreen advice can work wonders.

(27:56) Empathetic Listening: Thinking Outside the Textbook

Dr. Tara suggests envisioning your partner as a five-year-old you aim to uplift with warmth and compassion. She proposes unarming yourself by letting go of resentment and judgment in order to deeply listen and connect. In her view, self-acceptance enables empathy for others. So Dr. Tara advocates nurturing self-care to hold space for struggles with empathy, thoughtfully questioning negativity rather than compromising dignity. Ultimately, she chooses empathy’s high road, for it can empower and uplift.

(30:39) Jealousy’s Not So Bad After All

Dr. Tara argues some jealousy can be healthy, revealing care in a relationship. She distinguishes bad explosive jealousy from good jealousy, which opens constructive communication. In her view, everyone experiences innate jealousy to some degree – low self-esteem exaggerates it, while self-confidence lessens it. Ultimately though, she believes handled compassionately, jealousy has the power to foster greater intimacy.


Follow Dr. Tara on Instagram @luvbites.co and check out her podcast, Lovebites with Dr. Tara, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (38:25)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

    • Email from K: How do I get my boyfriend to be honest with me?

A One-of-a-Kind Virtual Event for Anyone Seeking Love: F the Fairytale Forum!!

FINALLY, get the secrets to unlock the relationship you’ve been waiting for. On December 7th from 4 PM to 7 PM PST, an incredible lineup of bestselling authors, renowned relationship experts, and insightful voices are coming together to demystify modern dating in a first-of-its-kind virtual event called “F the Fairytale Forum.”

This FREE livestream is packed with 6 powerhouse panels designed to provide you with fresh perspectives and actionable insights around forging meaningful connections. We’ll tackle all facets of writing your own unique love story – from mindset to meeting people IRL to maintaining healthy partnerships for the long haul.

Damona Hoffman will be moderating and discussing the biggest themes from her forthcoming book, “F the Fairytale,” along with other great minds in the world of love and dating, such as: 

  • Katherine Woodward Thomas: Author of “Calling in the One”
  • Arielle Ford: Author of “Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate”
  • Evan Marc Katz: Acclaimed dating coach & author
  • Jonathon Aslay: Mid-Life Dating & Relationship Coach
  • Jack A. Daniels: Damona’s  co-host from #BlackLove docuseries

Together, these panelists have over 100 years of accumulated wisdom when it comes to dating, relationships, and self-discovery. Now, we’re bringing these great minds together for YOU in this totally FREE virtual gathering.

The best part? This is 100% interactive. You’ll be able to submit your most burning questions about writing your own love story, and we’ll answer you directly in real time!

So join us from the comfort of your living room on December 7th at 4 PM PST for amazing insights, paradigm shifts, hope, and the tools/mindset to take ownership of your romantic future in 2023.

Attending part of the evening or all 6 panels is totally up to you. Just be sure to register for your free pass today before we reach capacity. This is a ONE-night-only event not to be missed! 

We hope to see you there! 

Sign Up for the F the Fairytale Forum NOW!
damona hoffman f the fairy tale book giveaway drew barrymore show

Win Amazing Prizes in the “F The Fairy Tale” Preorder Sweepstakes!

To celebrate the launch of Damona’s new book, “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story,”  we are hosting hosting an incredible preorder giveaway.

By preordering Damona’s book before January 2nd, you’ll be eligible to win truly amazing prizes like:

 

Grand Prize

  •  VIP tickets to The Drew Barrymore Show in NYCA
  •  $500 styling and shopping spree from the incredible inclusive fashion brand Democracy
  •  $500 airline gift card 

39 Second Place Prizes

  • 3-month subscription to OkCupid Premium

In “F the Fairy Tale,” Damona draws on nearly 20 years of experience as a celebrity dating coach to help you break free from the myths and mindsets that may be unintentionally sabotaging your search for lifelong love.

This book provides the pillars, tools, and psychology-based guidance to start co-creating the healthy, happy partnerships you desire on your own terms.

Preorder your copy before January 2nd, 2023 and  enter the sweepstakes for a chance to win! 

Purchase links and full rules/details can be found at  https://www.hachettebookgroup.com/landing-page/f-the-fairy-tale-preorder-sweepstakes/

Wishing you love and luck!

Preorder "F the Fairy Tale" today for your chance to win!

Animal Attraction & Love Abroad

Welcome to Damona’s BIRTHDAY WEEK episode on Dates & Mates! 

After celebrating another journey around the sun, Damona has been reflecting on the life path she has forged. She remembers that inner love cynic who cast doubts on her dreams of an amazing partner, a fulfilling career, and a happy family. This week she shares how that skeptic once served a purpose in protecting her heart, but how she came to a point in time when she had to bid those doubts farewell. We know many of you have similar cynics holding you back—that’s why you tune in. 

Damona’s birthday wish? For you to shed those doubts and craft your own love story. 

Her new book ‘F the Fairy Tale’ serves as a roadmap for this journey, and the biggest gift you could give Damona is pre-ordering the book at FTheFairyTaleBook.com and sharing how it empowered you in the new year.

And to further empower you, we will be joined this week by esteemed guest, Dr. Wednesday Martin. She joins us to illuminate the evolving landscape of female sexuality within this dating jungle. Her expertise in cultural studies, anthropology, and psychology promises to expand our understanding of how our primal instincts adapt in this new normal while maintaining connections and passion. 

We also bring back the Dating Dish and finish up with another amazing question from a listener in Dear Damona! Let’s get started!!

DATING DISH: BUMBLE’S 2024 DATING TREND REPORT (3:14)

Get ready for an eye-opening look into 2024’s dating scene straight from Bumble’s recent survey of over 25,000 users! Uncover the shift in age preferences, the newfound importance of shared political views, and the rising allure of mindfulness in relationships.

 

And check out our episode with matchmaker and dating & relationship coach, Rachel Russo, titled “Age Gap Crap & Solo Mom” for more on the shift around age and dating.

DR. WEDNESDAY MARTIN  (9:13)

Dr. Wednesday Martin joined us with a background spanning anthropology at the University of Michigan to a doctorate in comparative literature and cultural studies from Yale. Her accolades include becoming an instant New York Times bestseller with ‘Primates of Park Avenue’ and her recent groundbreaking book ‘Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free’. 

Her insightful writing covers gender, parenting, motherhood, and female sexuality for renowned publications like The New York Times, The Atlantic, and Harper’s Bazaar. With appearances on major networks like CNN, NPR, and NBC News, Dr. Martin’s expertise is second to none.

(13:43) A Dating Evolution

Dr. Wednesday digs into the lightning-speed changes tech brings to dating. She highlights the clash: our longing for connection versus the surge in app-based dating post-COVID’s upheaval. 

“We had a big collective trauma, whether we processed it that way or not. We are still reeling and recovering as a dating and mating species. And, we’re adjusting to a whole new ecological niche, which is swipe culture.”

She underscores our innate drive to connect, even digitally, sparking those feel-good vibes.

(15:35) Are Dating Apps Going Away?

Dr. Wednesday brings a positive spin to dating apps, seeing them as this new world we’re getting used to, and they’re not going anywhere! She appreciates how they kept us connected during tough times, feeding our need to reach out. 

She cheers for how these apps let women and everyone else be clear about what they’re after, making space for everyone’s desires. But she also nods to the grumbles we often hear about these apps, acknowledging that despite their perks, dissatisfaction can sometimes remain. “We can develop a dating ecology, but we can’t determine how people use it”.

(23:15) Reality of the Dating Desert

Dr. Wednesday delves into the challenges faced by heterosexual women in today’s dating scene, referring to it as a “dating desert.” She says, “So what we find is that in most big cities, men are the limiting sex. So men have the power in dating because there are fewer of them relative to women.”

She points out how cultural norms around emotional expression create a disconnect between men and women, affecting their connection in relationships.Her insights offer a window into why women, encouraged for emotional intelligence, might find it hard to connect with men raised to suppress emotions. This mismatch in emotional expression, she notes, shapes the dating landscape, making it tough for women seeking aligned connections.

(36:36) Construct an Ecology in a Dating Desert

Dr. Wednesday delves into crafting unique dating spaces within the dating landscape, likening them to finding oases in a desert. Exploring environments where gender ratios align with preferences is key, particularly in heterosexual scenarios where women often hold sway. 

Reflecting on our innate attraction to novelty, she suggests venturing into new social circles for fresh connections. Ultimately, she champions authentic connections, urging individuals to break societal norms for personal happiness in dating.

 

Follow Dr. Wednesday on Instagram @WednesdayMartinPHD and grab a copy of her book, “Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free”.

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (30:49)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email from Caroline – Can you be a committed dater when you are an adventure seeker and or may be moving?

Measuring Matches & Return to Singlehood

In a fast-paced digital age, finding genuine connections can sometimes feel like searching for a needle in a haystack, but could the antidote to your trouble be to lean in, even when you feel like throwing in the towel and date with more intention?

That’s why the word of the week is CLARITY.

Finding love may seem unpredictable to some. “I’ll know it when I see it,” people say. But we call BS on leaving love to chance alone. After 17 years of coaching and writing dating profiles, Damona is convinced intentionality is key to romantic success. To be intentional, you first need clarity – a focused mindset. 

We talk A LOT about intentionality on the podcast and have given some examples in the past of ways to log and analyze your dating data from stat sheets to journaling. Today we are going to introduce ANOTHER way to understand and track what’s really happening in your love life so you can chart your way to the relationship you want.

JILLIAN ROMERO CHAVES (3:46)

Jillian Romero Chaves was a successful automotive industry professional whose experience with a devastating breakup led to a journey of learning, healing and reflecting.

Motivated by her personal experiences, she channeled her passion into creating Clara for Daters, an intentional dating journal app designed to empower individuals to make informed choices and nurture healthy relationships.

(4:20) Clara for Daters is born!

After investing ten years with a cheating partner she had hoped to marry, Jillian Romero Chaves created the reflective journaling app Clara for Daters to empower single people to date more intentionally based on her own experience. 

Motivated by heartbreak, Jillian researched attachment styles and realized she lacked dating self-awareness, often letting attraction cloud her judgment. She designed Clara for Daters with the help of psychologists and experts to help singles be conscious about their relationship choices by tracking insights over time. This provides a framework for singles to learn from the past, take control of their love lives, and build healthy partnerships.

(10:40) Intentionality is key in dating

Jillian explains that Clara for Daters helps singles embrace a slow, intentional approach to dating even when they feel anxious and want a relationship right away. She acknowledges that at 35, her desire to marry and have kids makes it hard to act patiently. But the app allows her to track her dates so she feels closer to her goals, even without the outcome. Jillian says that just because you haven’t met the right person yet doesn’t mean you aren’t getting closer. 

(12:18) Let’s get technical about dating

Jillian describes the scores in the Clara for Daters app as deliverables that show progress. By logging dates and answering questions, you get closer to understanding what you want. “ I can’t hold that person that I’m going to be with in my hand yet. But I can hold this one deliverable, I can come back, refer to Clara, and see that I’ve been logging the dates, and I’m getting closer to understanding what I’m looking for and who that person is.” 

When reflecting on a date, the app often asks yes or no questions, then provides a space for notes. For Jillian, it asked if she found a certain date’s eyes attractive. She had had previous reservations, but said yes to this question. When she began elaborating in the notes section, she realized she had taken his expressive eyes for granted. This process of calling things out and reflecting intentionally builds attraction and self-awareness. 

 

(20.01) Can an app shift your values and intentions about dating?

Jillian explains that going through a difficult breakup and then intentionally reflecting on her patterns with Clara has absolutely shifted her values and intentions in dating. She realized her attraction to her “bad boy” ex was actually based on unhealthy patterns from her past, like people pleasing and trying to perform to keep him happy. It wasn’t real chemistry.

(24:22) Roster Dating 

Jillian explains that “roster dating”, or dating multiple people at once, and using the Clara app to log each date has helped reduce her anxiety and the pressure she feels for a date to work out. 

(26:53) How can we put the loneliness epidemic behind us?

Jillian advises viewing dates as opportunities for social connection which benefit mental health. “So then getting a relationship is not the outcome. It’s me exercising my social connection ability.” Just interacting with new people and avoiding isolation is a win with the loneliness epidemic. Even lackluster dates exercise social skills.

Jillian sees many inconsistent daters endlessly deleting and redownloading apps. She recommends staying consistent but focusing on self-improvement metrics. Define success by getting stronger at identifying what you want, building boundaries, learning your attraction levels – not forcing a partnership. Strengthening your relationship skills is the real “win.”
Be sure to follow Jillian on Instagram @jillianromerochaves and check out the Clara for Daters App!

 

DEAR DAMONA (30:49)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email from Marsha – Hi, Damona. I’m a 67 year old African American woman who hasn’t dated in seven years, the idea of putting myself out there is doubt and anxiety producing. I’m a totally different person now than I was seven years ago. Is there hope for me?

Dear Damona: STI Sitch & Solo Parent Singles

F the Fairy Tale Pre-Order Giveaway (0:00)

We have some amazing news to share about Damona’s upcoming book “F the Fairy Tale” which will be released on January 2nd: It’s actually available for pre-order AND if you order now you’ll get the Black Friday deal of 25% off and free shipping on orders over $25 now through November 28th. Visit FTheFairyTaleBook.com to pre-order the book and get this awesome deal.

An All Dear Damona (2:10)

We are so excited to welcome any new listeners who may have seen Damona’s recent appearance on The Drew Barrymore Show! Damona has been an OG Drew Crew member since Season 1 and this time, she got to do an epic Girl Talk segment on the largest couch ever with Drew, Tiff Bera and Hannah Burner. They answered audience questions and Damona did her best not to get swallowed by that huge couch.

Whether you found Damona through Drew or have been listening for years, her mission is the same – to help with your love dilemmas!

There’s so much to dive into during today’s jam-packed episode! By popular demand, the Dear Damona segment is back and producer Lindsey joins again for an all Dear Damona episode to tackle your questions about bots on dating apps, safeguards for online dating, commitment issues, dating as a single mom, and more!

Dear Damona (4:51)

(04:58) IG DM from M

What’s the best way to handle guys you are not interested in? Swipe left and the next day they show up again in your like list as a “new here” member. I have several repeat offenders that are constantly liking my profile as a “New Here” member. It seems they may be signing up with new accounts every few days to recirculate the profile pool. It’s really disturbing. Thank you for your time.

(08:51)  IG DM from L

I’m wondering if you’re able to address the topic of how to not date “bad people”. I seem to be a magnet for psychopaths and narcissists. And although I’m getting better at identifying them earlier, I’ve been in a number of very scary situations. How can I avoid these people to begin with? 

(15:57) IG DM from Donna

I’ve been widowed for six years, dating for three. I used a matchmaker at first, but I’ve recently entered the world of online dating. I actually love OkCupid. It’s a great app for me. 

I recently met a man that I really like. We went out and hit it off. But on the first date, he revealed to me that he has herpes. I am unsure about continuing our relationship.I am crazy attracted to him and he seems like a good person. 

It’s so early on in the relationship. I’m leaning towards ending it though. Should I find more out about it and continue or realize that this could just be one of my deal breakers? Honestly, the thought of dealing with it stresses me out.

(21:46) IG DM from Rose:

I am 45 and single. I’m currently struggling with dating. I recently realized when I’m interested in a man that I will go overboard with affection in order to show them how I like to receive affection when their actions do not line up with my expectations for interest or the affection that I want, I start to question the whole relationship.

Currently, I’m in a situation where I’ve done everything he’s mentioned that he needs to feel safe, but I don’t feel like I’m getting the same in return. He told me that I want full relationship interest and affection and that he isn’t there yet. He said he’s open to a relationship with me but doesn’t want to be locked down just yet. In my new understanding of myself, I’ve taken a step back to allow him to show me how he shows interest. But now I’m getting nothing. No flirting, no cute texts. We haven’t even seen each other in over two weeks. Should I save my heart and run? Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

(29:25) IG DM from M 

Can you please tell me the best way to online date as a single mother? How do I convey to other singles in my online profile that my child and I come as a package and that I don’t have babysitting options such as family or ex partners? And how can I do it all without seeming too pushy or needy?

Have More Questions? (36:38)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on  the show! 

Celebrating Singlehood & Tricky Trip

The pressure to settle down by a certain age is an old tale that places unfair expectations on daters. Society pushes this narrative that we must find “the one” and get married before some imaginary expiration date. But settling for the wrong person just to meet society’s timeline is never the answer. Love is a journey that shouldn’t be rushed, a story that unfolds uniquely for all of us.

And that is why our word of the week is TIME.

We often get stuck trying to find the “right” time to find love or settle down. But in truth, all any of us have is the present moment.

In this episode, we’ll discuss societal pressures to settle for less than you deserve. We’ll explore embracing your own path and prioritizing your happiness over external timelines. Our guest this week, Julia Mazur, will share her story of navigating these expectations. Together, we’ll talk about why you should tune out society’s ticking clock and focus on your fulfillment.

JULIA MAZUR (3:16)

Previously a longtime Tinder employee, Julia Mazur is the host of the Pretty Much Done podcast. Her content celebrates singlehood and the freedom that comes with it—the joys of living alone, solo dates, sleeping in on weekends, and choosing yourself first.

Julia went viral after showcasing a day in her life as a single woman without kids. While many women related, others criticized, attacked, and even threatened her. But Julia has overcome it all and continues creating helpful, empowering content.

THE PRESSURE TO SETTLE DOWN  (4:17)

Julia grew up with the message that she needed to get married and have kids young like her mom did. There was innate pressure on her whole life to follow that path. Julia constantly tried to accomplish that goal, but kept finding herself in lackluster relationships, feeling unfulfilled.

She realized she was just trying to meet someone to fill a hole inside herself. “Settling for the wrong person just to fit the mold is never the answer.”

 GOING VIRAL AS A SINGLE WOMAN (5:30)

Julia went viral after showcasing a day as a single 30-year-old woman without kids. She didn’t expect the influx of attention – both positive and negative.

At first, women related to Julia’s video, saying they feel the same pressure to be married with kids by a certain age. But then a right-wing commentator shared the video, unleashing hateful attacks on Julia – calling her names, criticizing her looks. It was a scary place to be. 

But Julia continues to appreciate her independence and the stage of the dating process that she is in.

SOCIETAL PRESSURES ON WOMEN (8:51)

After going viral, Julia realized the pressure she felt to marry and have kids by 30 wasn’t just her culture – it’s felt throughout society. “I realized this is just societal pressure placed on women and it’s really harmful to us because we’re feeling these pressures and then we meet someone and we’re like, okay, I think I’m just going to settle for the next person I meet because people are gonna think that I’m some societal leper if I’m not married at 30.” – Julia Mazur.

Julia believes living true to yourself is most important. She hopes to have a family someday, but until meeting the right partner, she wants to fully embrace life’s joys as an independent woman.

UNATTACHED AUTUMN (12:23)

Julia is doing a 6-month home swap in Austin. While there, she’s “unattaching” from any expected outcomes – especially around dating and relationships.

For so long, Julia used dating apps trying to find her happily ever after. Now she’s freeing herself from that burden. She’ll put herself in new situations that may not have organically occurred in LA. Julia is open to connecting with people in different ways, with no pressure.

Taking off the societal expectation to be married by a certain age has been exhausting. This move will allow Julia to detach and see what unfolds when she lets go of self-imposed pressures.

BEWARE THE “ICK” (19:08)

Julia talks a lot about how it is easier for the “ick” to take hold in online relationships than in-person ones. “If you think about a friend that you’ve met, and a friend wears a shirt that you don’t like or laughs in a weird way, you give them so much more grace than you would some stranger that you met on a dating app.” 

She cautions us to take things slow and be kind in our pursuit of meaningful connections. Placing pressure on a first date to be “the one”, can rob you of the human experience of slowly getting to know someone before deciding if it could work.

 

Follow Julia Mazur on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/pmdpod/ and TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pmdpod, Check out her podcast: Pretty Much Done

 

DEAR DAMONA

Our Dear Damona segment is returning next week. Submit your questions on Instagram, X, or Facebook

and hear Damona’s answers live on  the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from S – Hi! I love your podcast, and it’s been a great resource since I started exploring dating again after a 10 year relationship ended. I have a question: in a month I have a trip out of the country with a friend who’s also a casual partner. We’re not compatible in the long term (she’s non-monogamous and I’m not interested in that in my next LTR). 

I’ve also been dating with the intention of meeting someone who I want to have a committed, LTR with. I’ve recently met someone who checks all of my important boxes. We’ve only been on a couple dates, but I’m thinking ahead a bit and wondering how to handle the situation with the trip. Everything is paid for, and I’m committed. If I’m still seeing this potential partner, I’m not sure how to address the situation. I don’t want to lie, either directly or by omission, but I also worry about sabotaging things. On the other hand, I’d be letting my friend down and throwing away a significant amount of money if I skip the trip. What’s your advice?

Argument Styles & Dr. Orna Guralnik

 

It is NO secret that we love television shows about relationships and dating, but one Damona holds particularly dear to her heart is Showtime’s “Couples Therapy.”

If you don’t already know about the show, the documentary TV series is a deep dive into the authentic and visceral experience of weekly therapy where couples confront each other AND themselves. Spicy, but also, incredibly deep. It’s the best.

Leading the sessions for all three seasons is our guest today, Dr. Orna Guralnik! She’ll be sharing how she leads couples to some extraordinary breakthroughs, the best and worst ways to show up in a partnership, and what she has learned along the way.

DATING DISH (2:45)

How to figure out your partner’s “argument style”:

Refinery29 came in clutch with a recent article about how identifying your argument style can help your relationship dynamics in a similar way to knowing your love language, attachment style etc. 

The article lays out four common argument styles: Attacking, Defensive, Withdrawing, and Open (AKA the “holy grail” of argument styles). 

The author also points out that identifying the feelings or sensations that arise in your body during an argument can be key in directing you towards your argument style. Damona refers to this act of noticing as interoception, and explains how this can help you tune into your intuition and use it to improve your relationship communication.

ORNA GURALNIK (10:10)

Dr Orna Guralnik is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst practicing in New York City. She lectures and publishes on the topics of couples treatment and culture, as well as culture & psychoanalysis.  

Her article – “I’m a Couples Therapist. Something New Is Happening in Relationships.” – was featured in the New York Times in May. And, of course, she is the host of the hit Showtime television series, Couples Therapy.

(11:24) How do you get people to reveal themselves?

As a renowned couples therapist, Orna seems to have the magic touch when it comes to helping couples open up. Orna states, “The whole therapeutic profession is based on the idea that if you create space, people will want to walk into it. People want to share space, people want to connect.” 

She also mentions that she is listening to the less conscious registers of what is troubling someone. This includes details relating to early family dynamics, personality structure, trauma, attachment styles, and the overall societal issues that affect how a couple is interacting with each other.

(17:30) What are the biggest elements that are shifting for relationships today?

Referencing her infamous article “I’m a Couples Therapist. Something New Is Happening in Relationships,” Damona asks Orna about the biggest elements that are shifting for relationships today. “With the recent social justice movements, we’re all learning what it means to understand ourselves in relation to systemic issues and how these issues are running through us… This helps us understand what’s governing the dynamic of a couple.”

Orna also points out how the consciousness of privilege is shifting the way we look at relationships (and let alone communicate). “When you really understand privilege, how privilege shapes the way we experience the world and how people differ in terms of how much they walk around the world with or without, something really fundamental changes inside you.”

(25:40) We gotta go to the hard, scary places.

As most of us can presume, any type of therapy will only work as much as you are willing to open up and go deep. Damona wonders how one might handle a situation where one partner in a couple is willing to go deeper, but the other isn’t ready? Orna responds, “The person who’s not in pain is out of touch in some way that they’re not well in the relationship, so it’s just a matter of time in how to gain access to that part of the person.” 

Orna adds, as the therapist, that there’s a level of “the client is always right” – if she can’t get through to someone, Orna believes she needs to figure out what is being blocked and adjust her approach. But this is always made easier if the client is willing to be as open as she is.

(32:25) Becoming a better partner starts with being yourself.

Damona asks what advice Orna can give to single folks on being a better partner, and her primary advice is to “show up as yourself and not someone else.” She also believes that a good reason to get into a relationship is to expand beyond who you are, not just pull someone into what you already are and know. And if that’s your motivation, then it’s going to get wonderful, complicated, and really interesting.

Orna also shares how you can get motivated to do the hard self-work, and reframe it so it’s not scary (hint: stay curious about yourself).

 

Be sure to follow Dr. Orna on Instagram @OrnaGuralnik and check out Couples Therapy on Showtime!

DEAR DAMONA (41:00)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

  • Voicemail from S – Hi Damona! I’m a finishing PhD student and I’m getting ready for a big cross country move in the next 6 months. As you can imagine, I have a lot on my plate. I am curious about short term dating, but I could use some advice. On the one hand, I think it would be good practice. That way when I get into this new environment I’m ready to dive in feet first. But on the other hand, with everything that’s going on, I don’t know if it’s going to be a good distraction or if it’s just going to add more stress. I would love to get your advice on how to go about short-term casual dating or anything about dating right before a big move. Thank you so much for your time and your advice, looking forward to hearing what you have to say!

 

Unsure if your question is right for Dates & Mates? Check out our recent all-Dear Damona episode to get a taste of what our listeners are thinking. 📝