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ARE YOU GOING TO GET YOUR FAIRYTALE ENDING?

Welcome to Season 9 of the Dates & Mates podcast!!

We are so excited that the first guest of season 9 is Nick Viall, star of The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Bachelor in Paradise.

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He has made quite the name for himself as a contemporary and very opinionated dating advice guru and so obviously Damona had to have him on the show.

He’s here to talk to us about what you can actually learn about love from reality TV shows like The Bachelor – if anything – and how to find your happily ever after on Instagram. 

But first there’s the news:

 

DATING DISH (3:57)

(3:57) Team USA – who’s really hooking up at the olympic village

A claim circulating online about cardboard beds at the 2020 Tokyo Olympics being “anti-sex” is not true. Damona investigates.

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(6:02) Cookie Jarring is a big toxic dating trend this summer.

The person you are falling for is getting to know someone else behind your back. They have another “cookie in the jar” aka have a backup plan or security. Looking for an example on tv? Think Love Island. 

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NICK VIALL FROM THE VIALL FILES (10:15)

Nick Viall starred in the 21st season of ABC’s “The Bachelor” and Bachelor in Paradise. Since “The Bachelor”, he’s become a successful actor, media personality, and now host of “The Viall Files” a People’s Choice Award nominated podcast.

Nick has spent a lot of time in the last 6 years on TV looking for love and now that he’s finally found it, he’s going to tell us how an epic DM slide made it happen.

(10:55) Don’t take love advice from The Bachelor: Surprisingly, Nick is pretty adamant that the Bachelor gives unrealistic ideals of love. It’s important to understand what “love at first sight” really means and how you can filter out potential love interests. 

(16:04) A Bold Move: Nick found his love, Natalie, through a DM. He shares his advice on sliding into someone’s DMs and connecting with someone through online dating & social media. Plus, you don’t have to stick to the traditional ways of gender norms when it comes to making your move. 

(21:33) Men are Like Puppies: Many men feel safer and able to open up when their love interests compliment them. 

Get more Nick Viall: https://viallfiles.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA WITH NICK VIALL (23:41)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• Instagram Message from Amani – Hello. Here is the question. I have been dating someone long distance since November 2020 and we met in person in February 2021. She is preparing to move across the country to live with me. We are discussing how much she should contribute to the rent/mortgage if she moves in. She will be looking for a job when she arrives, and there is no timetable in terms of when she could get a job. She feels she should not have to contribute to the mortgage until she has a ring on her finger. I feel she should contribute a portion per month (1/3 of the mortgage). What are your thoughts on this?
• Instagram Message from Nicole – Hi, Damona! Love the pod and your content 🙏🏼 I would love to get some advice from you about a situation. I casually dated this guy in 2019 for 6 months. He got back in touch with me last fall, and we were flirting virtually pretty consistently until January- he initiated every convo. Since January, he has been reaching out periodically on different platforms (dms, text)— & and asking me out. Then a couple weeks ago, he liked me on hinge (how we met in 2019), talked about how we’re very compatible, and asked out again. I’ve accepted all his asks, and then he doesn’t follow through with plans. The last time he did this was the hinge situation a few weeks ago. He said his family was in town, but he could see me like a week and a half later. Then again, no follow-up. I addressed this and told him I’d really like him to make a plan, because I would enjoy spending time with him. He “loved” that text, but that’s the last I’ve heard from him. I want to see him. Is there any move I can make at this point that wouldn’t seem pathetic? Should I wait for the next time he comes around? Other? I would love to know your thoughts. Thanks, Damona! Best, Nicole (I’m 31, he’s 33)

 

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HOW WILL YOU MEET THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE? 

Today we’re making a case for jumping off the deep end in love. 

Naomi Shah is the founder and CEO of Meet Cute, a media company that produces their super popular podcast Meet Cute – every episode is a fun bite-sized scripted rom-coms.

She’s going to tell us about the whirlwind romance that inspired it all. It involves one singular coffee date, a bouquet, and a gigantic wedding.

This is one meet cute you don’t want to miss. 

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But first there’s the news:

 

DATING DISH (1:44)

(1:44) Science tells us once and for all the surest way to find long term love

Academics looked at data from around 2,000 couples of different demographics and found that the majority of couples first started out as friends. Starting as friends may be a more solid option than blind dates or dating apps

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(6:21) New cutest couple in hollywood alert!!

The kids of Eddie Murphy and Martin Lawrence are a brand new couple! While it’s unclear how long they have been dating, it’s assuming they met through their dads who starred in a few movies together. 

 

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MEET CUTE (8:24)

Naomi Shah is the founder + CEO of Meet Cute, a production company that produces original light-hearted romantic comedies in podcast form.

These stories are all about celebrating human connection and the full spectrum of love.

(9:29) Let’s talk about Meet Cute: Meet Cute is a podcast for those who love rom-coms and want to be inspired by original scripted love stories in a short episode.

(10:58) Naomi’s Own Love Story: Career-oriented Naomi reflects on what she has wanted in relationships during certain phases of her life. Plus, her parents have their very own unique meet cute involving an international romance. 

(22:48) Hot Topics in the Rom-Com World: The most popular Meet Cute stories often involve first loves, struggles with sexual orientation, and rebellious love. 

(27:12) Dating App FTW: Dating Apps increase your chances of serendipity. 

Find Meet Cute on IG @meetcute and check them out on all your favorite podcast platforms!

 

DEAR DAMONA (30:11)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• Instagram Message from L – Hi Damona! I’ve been listening to your podcast for 3 years, even since I lived in Sweden and was dating an American boyfriend! Three years fast forward – moved to Bay Area, got married and divorced (😬), been focusing on work for the last year… While keeping an eye on the dating apps and listening to your podcast. I am 31, work as an engineer at Tesla, have all kinds of tomboyish hobbies, looking for someone very smart, probably an introvert, career-driven, kind and supportive. Someone local to the Bay area and tall (I am 5’9+) Another engineer is a plus but not a must.
• Instagram Message from Karly – Hi Damona! Who pays the bill when you’re on a date?? I know traditionally, “the man pays for everything” but that’s not realistic…so how do you start the convo about those expectations? I personally don’t mind splitting costs or even covering costs for dates, but I’ve never ever discussed that with anyone I’ve dated. For context, I recently met this guy on Hinge. He invited me on 3 dates (1st was free, 2nd was a car ride, 3rd was dinner which he covered the bill). Maybe a week later, I asked him if he wanted to get hang out again. When trying to iron out the plans, he shocked me with “And I’m sure I’ll be paying & letting you smoke my weed too huh…I’m sorry, but I’m not the one”. I was so shocked that he came at me like that!! I certainly didn’t give off the energy that I was just there for a free meal and weed. He NEVER asked me to split the cost on anything, never mentioned it; so how do we have these conversations about expectations regarding covering costs on dates? Thank you!!!

 

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THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY TEXTNOW 

The app solves many major challenges that Damona’s clients face in dating today:

• You can keep your main number private
• You can separate your personal and dating contacts
• Plus, It’s easy to use and FREE.

We are proud to collaborate with an app that empowers modern daters to feel safe and secure. If you want more information, check out Damona’s video on when to give out your number to people you meet on dating apps. Click here!

 

DATES & MATES DEALS

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THE SECRET SCIENTIFIC INGREDIENT TO GOOD RELATIONSHIPS

One word: Safety. Sounds like a no-brainer, right?

Wrong…ish. Communicating safety is SO much harder than you think.

That’s why we are SO excited to bring two LEGENDS who can teach us better communication to Dates & Mates this week, Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt.

These two are internationally renowned couples therapists and New York Times bestselling authors of the book Getting The Love You Want.

It’s been endorsed by Oprah, Damona has read it COUNTLESS times, and it remains the true relationship bible that so many dating coaches live by.

We’re going to take a look inside the science of communication in relationships – and get ready because we learn A LOT.

But first the news:

DATING DISH (1:43)

(1:44) Hollywood proves again that slow love is the only way to go. 

Christina Haack’s ex, Ant Anstead, is reportedly dating Academy Award-winning actress Renee Zellweger. What’s important to note here is that Ant has done a lot of soul searching and self-development to find his highest love.

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(6:13) Need some advice on your dating profile? Reddit might be able to help with that. 

When you’re single and “wildly unsuccessful” at online dating, you might attempt the same risky maneuver that others have attempted: posting your profile on Reddit so that hundreds of strangers can critique it.

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GET THE LOVE YOU WANT (10:31)

Get ready for a deep and thought-provoking conversation with Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, two internationally renowned couples therapists and New York Times bestselling authors. They even have a 40th-anniversary edition out, and it remains the true relationship bible that so many dating coaches live by. 

(11:12) Physics of the between: You are thinking of your relationships all wrong. The energy between you and another person matters. 

(12:31)Talking is the most dangerous thing people do: Listening is the most infrequent thing people do. Communicating safety is the most important thing you can do.

 

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(15:51) One word changes everything: According to Harville and Helen, there is one word that can change the game in the way you communicate.

(17:00) Honoring Boundaries: The art of honoring boundaries actually starts with “setting an appointment.”

(20:54) Hail Storm vs. Turtle: Check in with your partner at the end of the day to make sure each other is taken care of. 

Get more of Harville & Helen:

https://harvilleandhelen.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA (29:05)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• (A email from a guy) Hi Damona, I’m 53 and separated from my wife in August. I have been dating someone for 4 months since February. We have a great time. A lot of making out, laughing, good convo. I like her and I’m very attracted to her. However… she won’t have sex with me because she ‘doesn’t want to be my first after separation.’ And I’m ‘not divorced yet.’ She says ‘men in your position tend to want to sleep around after divorce.’ But that’s never been me. I’ve always been a one-woman-at-a-time person. It’s pretty frustrating to be characterized as ‘divorce guy’ instead of just… me. I could pigeonhole her as ‘single woman with two kids who has never been married’ …but why? It was also a buzzkill to hear that she’s going to stay on dating apps. Do most recently divorced men get this treatment? Or is this more of an outlier? and.. Are women these days constantly fishing on the side for ‘better’ options because of dating apps? And are singles folks now becoming commitment-phobes because of it? Sincerely, -Confounded
• (Dahlia) Hi, Damona. I listen to your podcasts weekly. And I love every bit of it. The thing is, the reason why I say I suck, is because I’ve never had to work so hard to get a date a coffee date. You know, I usually go on and I meet someone and I connect with them. And then you know, we’ll start date and then kind of, you know, just kind of take it from there. But no, it seems like I can’t even get a coffee date. So I’m like, kind of thinking, I don’t know what I’ve changed. I know I’ve you know, I’ve gotten older and you know, men my age are looking for 25 year olds that what I realize, and you know, I’m looking for, you know, more mature man, I usually date like men in their 50s. And my top off is like 60. So I don’t know what’s going on, I guess 60 year olds are looking for a 35 year old so and I’m not a 35 year old so I just need some help. You know, please. 

AN EXCLUSIVE PEEK

Today we’re getting an exclusive look into the habitat of the illusive marriage-minded man:

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Just kidding. In spite of what I sometimes hear from my listeners Marriage-minded partners aren’t that hard to find, you just need to know where to look. Especially as you get to the age where people are looking to settle down.

Stewart Gill, contestant on the show Labor of Love and most eligible bachelor, joins Damona on this week’s episode. 

Quick primer if you haven’t seen the show: Labor of Love featured Kristy Katzmann (who you might know as a former Bachelor Contestant). She was not only searching for love, but also for a father for her future children. 

Stewart laid it all on the line and was one of the finalists on Labor of Love so we’re going to deep dive into what it’s like to be 40, single, successful, and looking to settle down. I mean look at him:

We’ll talk about it all later, But first Damona covers headlines:

DATING DISH (2:27)

(1:36) Conversationalists it’s your time to shine!

Surprisingly but kind of not surprisingly, daters over 50 years old are searching for great conversations with their potential partners. According to a Silver Singles survey, over 70% of participants wanted someone they could really talk with. 

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(4:03) Is Victoria’s Secret Bringing Sexy Back?

In a major attempt to rebrand, Victoria’s Secret has announced the retirement of the Angels. So long Adriana Lima and hello to a whole new face of the brand that reflects the current generation of society. 

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WHYYY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE? (7:54)

Stewart Gill is a marriage-minded man who put his dream of settling down and having a family for his athletic career- No big deal he was an Olympic-level triathlete. 

Now he lives in Santa Monica, he’s the CEO of Magna Carta Wealth and founder of the Evolutions financial literacy app.

Stewart’s a crazy accomplished guy and now he’s ready to find the love of his life:

(9:56) It’s goin’ down in DMs: Stewart reveals he was cast on Labor of Love through a random DM with a casting director.  

(12:10) Seeking a Partner: He’s not just searching for marriage. Stewart wants a teammate for life.  

(16:55) Diamonds vs. Emeralds: You may be a diamond, and someone prefers emeralds. This doesn’t mean you have any less value.  

(21:09) Embrace Your Differences: You don’t have to be just like your partner. Don’t stick to a strict checklist. 

(26:03) Communication is Key: Stewart reveals that communication is the most important aspect of a successful relationship.  

Get more of Stewart on Instagram @stewart_e_gill. And ladies, if you slide in those DMs, make it good ;)

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:18)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• Megan – Hi, Damona. I am a listener from Ireland. I love your show. I’ve been listening to it a lot over the past few months, trying to figure out what I’m doing wrong in my dating at the moment and previously, and my question is, I’m trying really hard on dating apps and everything, to look for the right kind of people who have the same values as me who want commitment to want a good relationship. And something solid and move forage in the future. And I go on these dates, and then I just have no chemistry with these guys at all. And yes, when I bump into a guy in reality, or meet someone through friends, and we do have great chemistry, and there’s a lot of flirtation on everything, and then we do go on a date, they end up being the kind of guys who just want sex and just wants an F body and are not great listeners and don’t really want to actually have anything real. So, I mean, I just wonder, why am I so much more attracted to people who seem to not want commitment than the people who are actually have their values aligned with mine and want to have the same things as me. I’m worried that I’m just never going to actually have the same kind of sexual attraction to those people.
• Gaysha – Dear Damona, Happy Pride! Thank you for your podcast and work! I listen to you every Tuesday while I get ready for work. I am a newly transitioned (9 months) transgender female. Do you have any advice on how to date as a transwoman? I swipe and meet all kinds of men but either they just want something casual, unmatch once they read my profile or because society frowns about dating openly trans people I have a hard time meeting men. Any advice as I’m ready to date and it’s pride month?! Thanks so much! 

 

THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY TEXTNOW 

The app solves many major challenges that Damona’s clients face in dating today:

• You can keep your main number private
• You can separate your personal and dating contacts
• Plus, It’s easy to use and FREE.

We are proud to collaborate with an app that empowers modern daters to feel safe and secure. If you want more information, check out Damona’s video on when to give out your number to people you meet on dating apps. Click here!

 

DATES & MATES DEALS

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OkCupid is FAMOUS for matching people on what MATTERS MOST to them, from food to the type of relationship they want…to politics. They ask you really thoughtful and provoking questions to get to the heart of who you are and what type of person you’re looking for.

Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!

ARE DATING APPS FOR EVERYONE?

Happy Pride Month Lovers! Here we’re all about celebrating equality in love for everyone ALL DAY EVERY DAY but especially today we’re giving a shout-out to our queer family who live their truth on the quest for their most authentic love.

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Love is love. And there are a lot of universal truths in dating. For example, everyone has had an awkward conversation on a dating app. Some more than others.

What’s the deal with all of these inappropriate and awkward interactions going down in the DMs? Have you ever felt fetishized, othered, or just plain weirded out by a match?

The answer is probably yes so we 100% have to talk about it with John Paul Brammer, columnist behind “Hola Papi” – the super popular LGBT and latino advice column in The Cut. Now he has a new book by the same name.

We’re going to have a big conversation about body shaming, what to do with people’s weird fetishes and how to get excited about apps – even if you haaate using them. It’s fun – promise!!

But first we have to talk about how comedy and dating intersect:

DATING DISH (2:35)

(2:35) Are we getting a little too invested in celebrity relationships?

The TV-obsessed American public is forming “parasocial relationships,” or the “illusion of a face-to-face relationship,” with their favorite on-screen performers. Damona miiiiight be in a very incense parasocial relationship with John Mulaney. 

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(7:18) Can you find your ideal partner based solely on a sense of humor?

The newest dating app, Schmooze, has users swipe memes to get matched with people sharing a similar sense of humor. Talk about an interesting way to meet someone that doesn’t necessarily involve looks.

 

HOLA PAPI (11:19)

John Paul Brammer  is a content creator, columnist, and author of the new book Hola Papi: How to come out in a Walmart parking lot and other life lessons.

You’ve read his work in The Cut, The Guardian, Teen Vogue and Netflix’s the most. Damona absolutely loved her conversation with JP for NPR’s podcast Life Kit a few months ago and YOU KNOW she had to bring him on Dates & Mates:

 

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(10:54) Hola Papi: JP is hispanic and this is an opening line he gets in his DMs all the time. Is that weird? Yes. 

(17:37) Fetishization is a hard word to say, and sometimes harder to identify: Racial hang-ups can cause some strange situations on dating apps. Saying you have a strong preference for a certain race or physical trait can set you and your match up for disappointment. 

(25:43) We create our own stories: Our perception influences the story we tell ourselves. What memories or moments are defining the way you look at your relationships today?

(29:37) Identity: JP gets tough questions for Hola Papi about orientation and identity. Can you have sex with a lady and still consider yourself gay? We examine identity in honor of Pride Month!

Get more JP here:

Get JP’s Book at damonahoffman.com/contentclub and make sure to follow him on all the socials @jpbrammer or at https://www.jpbrammer.com/ 

 

DEAR DAMONA (33:34)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• (Sam) Since you’re a POC who has experienced “otherness” how should I cope with the mentality that my predominately white dating pool in the Midwest is either consciously or unconsciously not interested in dating someone who is black? When I get on dating apps 9 out of 10 profiles I see are white. I’ve been swiping consistently and get very few (high quality) matches. I’m not a novice with dating apps and very strongly believe that I’m not making rookie mistakes with having a bad profile (i listen to your show). I’m convinced the lack of diversity and people not dating race open is the problem. What is your advice? I am 24, black, bisexual, with a master’s degree, spiritual/agnostic, liberal, working in corporate america.
• (Frances) Hi Damona! I love your voice and topics on finding slow love. I have a question about first text impressions. I’m texting guys that “liked” me on Hinge but they aren’t interested in making conversation on the app! They give me one sided answers and it’s like pulling teeth to talk. Do I just end the convo right there?

 

DATES & MATES DEALS

BETTERHELP.COM/DATESANDMATES

Get Better Help: real therapy, convenient and affordable. Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com/datesandmates

DOWNLOAD OKCUPID TODAY!

OkCupid is FAMOUS for matching people on what MATTERS MOST to them, from food to the type of relationship they want…to politics. They ask you really thoughtful and provoking questions to get to the heart of who you are and what type of person you’re looking for.

Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!

WHAT WOULD YOUR LIFE LOOK LIKE IF YOU ADDRESSED DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS HEAD-ON?

Anna Sale – the host of WYNC’s hit podcast Death Sex & Money and one of Damona’s favorite podcasts – is here to talk about how difficult conversations will bring you closer in your relationships plus how she moved on after heartbreak.

But first we have headlines:

DATING DISH (1:36)

(1:36) Why you shouldn’t believe all the negative press you read on dating apps

Nancy Jo Sales reveals the ‘corporate takeover of dating’ could mean that big corporations are taking over the dating experience and making it worse. Unfortunately, for dating app users these companies may exploit users for their personal gain. 

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(7:03) Does Kourtney Kardashian’s new boo have 🔥 the hots 🔥 for Kim?

Kourtney – the eldest Kardashian – has been dating Travis Barker since earlier this year. Shanna Moakler, whose tumultuous divorce from the Blink-182 drummer was finalized in 2008, is publicly claiming Kim Kardashian is part of the reason her family broke up. Even in Travis’s 2015 memoir, he revealed that he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Kim. What does this mean for the future of Kourtney’s relationship with Travis?

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HARD CONVERSATIONS, GREAT RELATIONSHIPS (11:43)

Today’s guest, Anna Sale, is the host of Death, Sex, & Money which won a 2018 Webby for best interview show.

Before developing Death, Sex & Money, Anna covered politics for nearly a decade and has contributed to Fresh Air with Terry Gross and This American Life.

She’s written a fantastic new book, entitled LET’S TALK ABOUT HARD THINGS – an empathetic examination of the most challenging aspects of our lives and how open communication about even taboo issues can bring us closer to our loved ones.

 

 

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(10:39) Anna’s new book LET’S TALK ABOUT HARD THINGS expands the lens through which we view family and identity. The way we are identified by others profoundly affects our experiences. Identity means more than just a few labels. Instead, it goes far beyond simple words. 

(18:10) Now as we move into the new normal of a post-pandemic world, so many people are craving a physical interaction with others. This is creating anxiety among daters who are navigating a world where physical relationships are now allowed amongst vaccinated people after more than a year of required social distancing.

(22:56) Talking about hard things can actually involve NOT talking. This is particularly helpful when it comes to arguments or uncertainty allowing time to cool off and permission to be respectful of your partner as you work through issues. The power of pausing can really impact a situation. 

(30:08) Anna talks about how the beginning of her second marriage wasn’t the smoothest start to a relationship. Not only were they in different locations, but Anna was in the early phase of being fresh out of a divorce and entering the dating scene once again. 

(36:51) Even though relationships can involve pressured decisions, staying in the moment helps the path of your relationship unfold naturally. Anna and Arthur had to really dive into their choice to be together and take the leap of faith to keep their relationship going. 

(45:35) Anna shares her thoughts on infidelity and the heated conversation she had with Dan Savage on her podcast. She asks the question, what does infidelity mean for a relationship? 

(53:12) As the world starts dating again, Anna talks about using small talk as a way to get to know your date. Small talk can really say more meaningful things and help you become more vulnerable. 

Get Anna’s Book “Let’s Talk About Hard Things” using Damona’s Amazon Link (damonahoffman.com/contentclub) or wherever you get your books!

DEAR DAMONA (58:50)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• V – I’m currently being breadcrumbed by a guy. I told him whatever we were doing wasn’t working. He’s fighting to still be my friend / have me in his life. How do I uphold my boundaries? I have the hope that he’ll change his mind but deep down I know he’s not the one and I should move on. Any tips for being better at cutting people out? I have a hard time blocking or holding my ground. Always trying to be “nice” which is great for them but sucks for me 😅
• CT – Any tips on how to make a 1st date (especially on video chat!) feel less like an interview?

 

DATES & MATES DEALS

BETTERHELP.COM/DATESANDMATES

Get Better Help: real therapy, convenient and affordable. Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com/datesandmates

DOWNLOAD OKCUPID TODAY!

OkCupid is FAMOUS for matching people on what MATTERS MOST to them, from food to the type of relationship they want…to politics. They ask you really thoughtful and provoking questions to get to the heart of who you are and what type of person you’re looking for.

Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!