Warning! This episode uses more colorful language than usual. So if your kids are nearby, make sure to avert their eyes from the screen…
Damona is a big believer that vulnerability is the key to true connection. But as we know, at times it can be difficult to let others in and to know when to give a f*ck about what they say. (A swear word in the intro?? Oh yeah, you better believe it’s that kind of episode.)
This week, Damona is chatting with behavior scientist and lifestyle design coach Gianna Biscontini, the author of the new book F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms. They’ll be discussing how vulnerability can lead to emotional depth and better opportunities for connection.
via GIPHY
DATING DISH (2:00)
Scientifically speaking, what does it actually mean to click with someone?:
Inc Magazine recently came out with an article tackling the science behind the feeling of “clicking” with someone. The article uses a new study published in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, in which researchers out of Dartmouth, used 322 conversations between strangers to get a sense of how participants rated their level of connection with each other (i.e. how much they clicked). The researchers made a point to pay attention to the gaps between responses in the conversation. And after all their observation, a clear pattern emerged – the quicker the response times during the conversation, the more the two parties reported feeling like they clicked.
The researchers also looked at the conversations from an outsider’s perspective. They edited the videos to make it look as though there were shorter response times between participants. As a result of the editing, the observers actually rated the conversational partners as being more closely connected.
On average, there’s about a quarter of a second gap between turns during a regular conversation. But when people felt like they were finishing each other’s sentences and really clicking, they closed that gap. So basically, clicking with someone comes down to how much the conversation flows without long pauses or awkward brakes.
via GIPHY
Although this article gives us a window into how we naturally think, Damona highlights two of the key flirting tools she teaches clients that actually involve slowing the pace of the conversation down. “Whether or not you can close that quarter of a second gap in a conversation does not actually relate to long term compatibility. So I’ve actually encouraged you on the show before to take more time to allow more of the pauses, and not be in such a rush to fill the pause.”
Damona recommends seeing what happens if you allow the pause to happen, which also takes the pressure off of yourself to be witty, charming and quick with your answers. The second tip Damona gives is to pay attention to that person’s speaking pattern. “One thing that happens when you’re connecting with someone, when you’re really actually connecting with someone, is you start to naturally mimic their body language, their intonation, their inflection, their pacing.” She continues that attempting to speed up the natural flow of conversation could actually signal to the other person that you’re not on the same page as them. Instead, try to match their pacing rather than trying to change it for the both of you. Prioritize the full body context of the other person, not just how quick and witty they are. Because if we continue to search for for that witty or rapid delivery, we may end up missing that juicy, deeper level connection.
Ready to click with your person? Let Damona help you redesign your dating profile with the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
GIANNA BISCONTINI (9:04)
Damona sits down with lifestyle design coach and Board-Certified Behavior Analyst Gianna Biscontini! She is the author of F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms – which will be released on May 17th!
Gianna has been featured in publications such as Forbes Magazine, and she has a roster of A-list clients including Christina Schwarzenegger and Simon Sinek (you know, the Start With Why guy).
(9:04) Choose what you care about:
Jumping right into her book title, Damona asks Gianna – what does it really mean to be f***less? Gianna responds that it’s not whether you care or not (i.e. whether you give a f***), it’s what you care about. “F***s are our opinions, beliefs, expectations, fears, or advice from other people that don’t belong to you. All of us carry some level of other people’s bullshit, whether it’s from our parents who love us very much, whether it’s from a professor who was working out some anger through us, society, the entertainment industry, whatever. We’re given these messages, and we take them on as if they are true for us. And then you hit your 20’s, your 30’s, your 40’s, your 50;s. And you go, ‘Oh shit, that’s actually not true for me.’”
via GIPHY
Damona brings up the point that although it can be overwhelming nowadays (especially for women) to be told what we’re supposed to care about, there also exists the reality that we’re in a much broader place of choice than many of our ancestors. So there really is a responsibility to be mindful of choosing what you care about. Gianna recounts times in her life where she had no choice but to stay in an unhappy relationship because she couldn’t afford to live on her own. And that the reality of women who are financially independent is quite different, because their choices are led by their wants, not their needs.
“In the book, I ask questions like – Is this a good time for you to be in a relationship? What are the stories that you’ve been told as a woman about being in a relationship? What do you think being in a relationship and having a partner will do for you? What might it hold you back from? …I think that with some thoughtful inquiry, we can tease apart the needs from the wants, and the stories that are just f***s that aren’t true for us, and the things that we truly believe in.”
(13:40) Being chosen:
At times we may silence ourselves and our opinions because we want to ensure the happiness and comfort of those around us by avoiding confrontation and anger. Damona says that most of us would rather be liked and be likeable (which may not even be conscious). Gianna describes how this applies to one of the “f***s” she addresses in her book, called “be chosen.” Gianna grew up constantly envying the endless freedom bestowed upon boys. To her observation, they got to make mistakes and sleep around, while girls’ lives tended to orbit around them. “Men do the choosing and women are chosen, and so we have to just really be mindful about these stories and understand that we have the power to change them.”
via GIPHY
In terms of dating, Gianna notes how much she used to base her decisions on the approval of men. For instance, she would hold back on going on larger adventures on her own because she wanted her life choices to be compatible with whoever she might date in the future. She says she was doing two things wrong. “Number one, I was making the wild assumption that there would be someone in the future to begin with. And number two, I was already orbiting around someone in my future that didn’t even exist.”
After choosing to leave her marriage, Gianna spent the whole of 2020 and 2021 committed to being single and following that experience (which ended up being really easy, thanks to the global pandemmy). “Dating is all about choosing and not choosing, and getting to know each other. And sometimes you date for a couple of weeks and you say, ‘No, I’m good. This isn’t for me.’ And sometimes you just, you know, Sunk Cost Fallacy. You just keep choosing because you already invested so much time and energy, which is a whole other thing.”
via GIPHY
(19:00) There is no destination to be reached:
Damona reads the quote from Gianna’s website, “Life is not linear. It’s filled with events that require us to restore, calibrate, and head back out into the world with clarity.” Damona describes coming to the recent conclusion in her life that there is no actual destination to be reached because as soon as you get to one destination, another appears or there’s something more to be learned.
Gianna jumps in, “You know, you’re talking about mindfulness. It’s that Buddhist concept of non-attachment. How many times have you said, ‘Okay, here’s the plan. And this is what’s going to happen. And I’m going to control it. And I’m gonna go through steps one through five, and then this will be the result.’ And it alerts something in the universe, and it comes in with a wrecking ball, like ‘Oh, that’s precious that you’re trying to plan when you’re gonna get married.’ … We have to just be in that place of mindfulness, live from within, and be open to the things that are around us.” Being present is all that we can really control, which involves checking in with yourself and asking clarifying questions – who am I? What are my values? How am I serving myself? How am I building and designing this life?
(21:23) What should we give a f*** about?:
Gianna speaks to one of the other f***s in her book, called “be everything.” Just as it describes, this is trying to be everything to everyone all the time, and letting what you want take a backseat. “When we hesitate and when we stall, and when we want something, but reel it back in, that’s a moment where we have to go, ‘Oh, I’m living on someone else’s terms.’ …And so when women start to try and be everything to everyone, the first question is why? Second question, where did that story come from? The real work comes in actually behaving differently and dropping the fact that you have to be liked, that everyone has to pat you on the back and reward you and validate you for everything that you do.”
via GIPHY
Gianna adds that letting go of what others think shouldn’t come from a place of disrespect. She says that we can learn to hear the opinions of others, and give their opinions back with grace by saying “I can see why you want that for me. But that just doesn’t work for me right now.”
(23:25) Reframing success:
Damona is a big fan of dating apps, but she recognizes that they come with many micro choices. She believes that we have to reframe our relationship with the “rejection” that shows up on dating apps. “People will say to me, Gianna, ‘I tried the dating apps. They didn’t work for me. You know, I only went out with somebody for three months and then it didn’t work.’ No, no, it did work. It did work for that time. And it worked until it didn’t.” It’s all about our perception of success.
Gianna brings up a great question, which seems obvious but gets overlooked: are you on dating apps to be validated, or are you looking for a partner? “We have two needs as people. We have the need to show up in the world as our truest, most authentic self. And, we need to do that in a world or a friend group or a family or a society that accepts it, and loves it, because of who we are… You’re curating a group of people. You’re curating friends, you’re curating who you’re dating, and you’re teaching yourself what’s important to you and what you’ll accept. And that takes, unfortunately, a really long time.”
via GIPHY
Look out for Gianna’s book F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms, on shelves May 17th – order your copy HERE!
And be sure to follow her on all the socials @giannabiscontini.
DEAR DAMONA (27:36)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- Email from Ginny – What do you think of a guy who tells me before a phone conversation or date, that if I’m someone who waits 3-6 dates before a sleepover we’re not a match? I think he was hiding something, which became obvious after a while. He claimed he wanted to take things slow and that he wanted a long term relationship, like I did, but then pressured me to answer how many dates till we sleep together. I told him ‘you are putting the cart before the horse, as we haven’t even met yet. Besides, taking things slow means not discussing this in the first conversation.’ He was evasive about other things, like he told me he worked for a large well known company, which shall remain nameless. I felt he was very opinionated, almost belligerent. When I told him I was open minded, he asked what that meant. Well, I guess you’re not then. I think he was using a burner phone too. Questionable!
DAMONA’S DEALS
Vulnerability & The Sleepover Talk
Warning! This episode uses more colorful language than usual. So if your kids are nearby, make sure to avert their eyes from the screen…
Damona is a big believer that vulnerability is the key to true connection. But as we know, at times it can be difficult to let others in and to know when to give a f*ck about what they say. (A swear word in the intro?? Oh yeah, you better believe it’s that kind of episode.)
This week, Damona is chatting with behavior scientist and lifestyle design coach Gianna Biscontini, the author of the new book F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms. They’ll be discussing how vulnerability can lead to emotional depth and better opportunities for connection.
via GIPHY
DATING DISH (2:00)
Scientifically speaking, what does it actually mean to click with someone?:
Inc Magazine recently came out with an article tackling the science behind the feeling of “clicking” with someone. The article uses a new study published in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, in which researchers out of Dartmouth, used 322 conversations between strangers to get a sense of how participants rated their level of connection with each other (i.e. how much they clicked). The researchers made a point to pay attention to the gaps between responses in the conversation. And after all their observation, a clear pattern emerged – the quicker the response times during the conversation, the more the two parties reported feeling like they clicked.
The researchers also looked at the conversations from an outsider’s perspective. They edited the videos to make it look as though there were shorter response times between participants. As a result of the editing, the observers actually rated the conversational partners as being more closely connected.
On average, there’s about a quarter of a second gap between turns during a regular conversation. But when people felt like they were finishing each other’s sentences and really clicking, they closed that gap. So basically, clicking with someone comes down to how much the conversation flows without long pauses or awkward brakes.
via GIPHY
Although this article gives us a window into how we naturally think, Damona highlights two of the key flirting tools she teaches clients that actually involve slowing the pace of the conversation down. “Whether or not you can close that quarter of a second gap in a conversation does not actually relate to long term compatibility. So I’ve actually encouraged you on the show before to take more time to allow more of the pauses, and not be in such a rush to fill the pause.”
Damona recommends seeing what happens if you allow the pause to happen, which also takes the pressure off of yourself to be witty, charming and quick with your answers. The second tip Damona gives is to pay attention to that person’s speaking pattern. “One thing that happens when you’re connecting with someone, when you’re really actually connecting with someone, is you start to naturally mimic their body language, their intonation, their inflection, their pacing.” She continues that attempting to speed up the natural flow of conversation could actually signal to the other person that you’re not on the same page as them. Instead, try to match their pacing rather than trying to change it for the both of you. Prioritize the full body context of the other person, not just how quick and witty they are. Because if we continue to search for for that witty or rapid delivery, we may end up missing that juicy, deeper level connection.
Ready to click with your person? Let Damona help you redesign your dating profile with the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
GIANNA BISCONTINI (9:04)
Damona sits down with lifestyle design coach and Board-Certified Behavior Analyst Gianna Biscontini! She is the author of F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms – which will be released on May 17th!
Gianna has been featured in publications such as Forbes Magazine, and she has a roster of A-list clients including Christina Schwarzenegger and Simon Sinek (you know, the Start With Why guy).
(9:04) Choose what you care about:
Jumping right into her book title, Damona asks Gianna – what does it really mean to be f***less? Gianna responds that it’s not whether you care or not (i.e. whether you give a f***), it’s what you care about. “F***s are our opinions, beliefs, expectations, fears, or advice from other people that don’t belong to you. All of us carry some level of other people’s bullshit, whether it’s from our parents who love us very much, whether it’s from a professor who was working out some anger through us, society, the entertainment industry, whatever. We’re given these messages, and we take them on as if they are true for us. And then you hit your 20’s, your 30’s, your 40’s, your 50;s. And you go, ‘Oh shit, that’s actually not true for me.’”
via GIPHY
Damona brings up the point that although it can be overwhelming nowadays (especially for women) to be told what we’re supposed to care about, there also exists the reality that we’re in a much broader place of choice than many of our ancestors. So there really is a responsibility to be mindful of choosing what you care about. Gianna recounts times in her life where she had no choice but to stay in an unhappy relationship because she couldn’t afford to live on her own. And that the reality of women who are financially independent is quite different, because their choices are led by their wants, not their needs.
“In the book, I ask questions like – Is this a good time for you to be in a relationship? What are the stories that you’ve been told as a woman about being in a relationship? What do you think being in a relationship and having a partner will do for you? What might it hold you back from? …I think that with some thoughtful inquiry, we can tease apart the needs from the wants, and the stories that are just f***s that aren’t true for us, and the things that we truly believe in.”
(13:40) Being chosen:
At times we may silence ourselves and our opinions because we want to ensure the happiness and comfort of those around us by avoiding confrontation and anger. Damona says that most of us would rather be liked and be likeable (which may not even be conscious). Gianna describes how this applies to one of the “f***s” she addresses in her book, called “be chosen.” Gianna grew up constantly envying the endless freedom bestowed upon boys. To her observation, they got to make mistakes and sleep around, while girls’ lives tended to orbit around them. “Men do the choosing and women are chosen, and so we have to just really be mindful about these stories and understand that we have the power to change them.”
via GIPHY
In terms of dating, Gianna notes how much she used to base her decisions on the approval of men. For instance, she would hold back on going on larger adventures on her own because she wanted her life choices to be compatible with whoever she might date in the future. She says she was doing two things wrong. “Number one, I was making the wild assumption that there would be someone in the future to begin with. And number two, I was already orbiting around someone in my future that didn’t even exist.”
After choosing to leave her marriage, Gianna spent the whole of 2020 and 2021 committed to being single and following that experience (which ended up being really easy, thanks to the global pandemmy). “Dating is all about choosing and not choosing, and getting to know each other. And sometimes you date for a couple of weeks and you say, ‘No, I’m good. This isn’t for me.’ And sometimes you just, you know, Sunk Cost Fallacy. You just keep choosing because you already invested so much time and energy, which is a whole other thing.”
via GIPHY
(19:00) There is no destination to be reached:
Damona reads the quote from Gianna’s website, “Life is not linear. It’s filled with events that require us to restore, calibrate, and head back out into the world with clarity.” Damona describes coming to the recent conclusion in her life that there is no actual destination to be reached because as soon as you get to one destination, another appears or there’s something more to be learned.
Gianna jumps in, “You know, you’re talking about mindfulness. It’s that Buddhist concept of non-attachment. How many times have you said, ‘Okay, here’s the plan. And this is what’s going to happen. And I’m going to control it. And I’m gonna go through steps one through five, and then this will be the result.’ And it alerts something in the universe, and it comes in with a wrecking ball, like ‘Oh, that’s precious that you’re trying to plan when you’re gonna get married.’ … We have to just be in that place of mindfulness, live from within, and be open to the things that are around us.” Being present is all that we can really control, which involves checking in with yourself and asking clarifying questions – who am I? What are my values? How am I serving myself? How am I building and designing this life?
(21:23) What should we give a f*** about?:
Gianna speaks to one of the other f***s in her book, called “be everything.” Just as it describes, this is trying to be everything to everyone all the time, and letting what you want take a backseat. “When we hesitate and when we stall, and when we want something, but reel it back in, that’s a moment where we have to go, ‘Oh, I’m living on someone else’s terms.’ …And so when women start to try and be everything to everyone, the first question is why? Second question, where did that story come from? The real work comes in actually behaving differently and dropping the fact that you have to be liked, that everyone has to pat you on the back and reward you and validate you for everything that you do.”
via GIPHY
Gianna adds that letting go of what others think shouldn’t come from a place of disrespect. She says that we can learn to hear the opinions of others, and give their opinions back with grace by saying “I can see why you want that for me. But that just doesn’t work for me right now.”
(23:25) Reframing success:
Damona is a big fan of dating apps, but she recognizes that they come with many micro choices. She believes that we have to reframe our relationship with the “rejection” that shows up on dating apps. “People will say to me, Gianna, ‘I tried the dating apps. They didn’t work for me. You know, I only went out with somebody for three months and then it didn’t work.’ No, no, it did work. It did work for that time. And it worked until it didn’t.” It’s all about our perception of success.
Gianna brings up a great question, which seems obvious but gets overlooked: are you on dating apps to be validated, or are you looking for a partner? “We have two needs as people. We have the need to show up in the world as our truest, most authentic self. And, we need to do that in a world or a friend group or a family or a society that accepts it, and loves it, because of who we are… You’re curating a group of people. You’re curating friends, you’re curating who you’re dating, and you’re teaching yourself what’s important to you and what you’ll accept. And that takes, unfortunately, a really long time.”
via GIPHY
Look out for Gianna’s book F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms, on shelves May 17th – order your copy HERE!
And be sure to follow her on all the socials @giannabiscontini.
DEAR DAMONA (27:36)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
New Mindset & LinkedIn Love
You’ve heard Damona say on the show before that mindset is everything when you begin your dating journey. You have to know who you are and what you’re looking for, and it helps to have mindset tools in place to support and keep you going when things get tough. And we know it gets tough.
That’s why Case Kenny, Instagram sensation (quite literally) and host of the New Mindset, Who Dis? Podcast, is joining Damona today to discuss how his methods of mindfulness will benefit you in dating and relationships.
DATING DISH (1:50)
Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?
According to the latest in Insider Magazine, people are using Tinder not to find love… but to sell insurance policies. This article tells the story of a guy who matched with a gal on Tinder, they went out for coffee. He thought that sparks were flying, but then she started pulling out all of these insurance packets and proceeded to try and sell him an insurance policy!! She was literally just using Tinder as a way to get clients. The experts in the article suggest that this is due to the “blurred nature of the online world” (although Tinder has been pretty clear that promotion or solicitation is a violation of their community guidelines).
via GIPHY
On the flip side, while people are using Tinder to reel in customers, others have been using LinkedIn to find dates. There are a lot of people on the site who have blogged about finding their significant other through the platform, despite being a professional networking site. But putting all the community guidelines aside, this behavioral trend begs the question – why do we try to control the platforms that we’re on? Speaking to the blurred nature of the online world, once a platform is created, it kind of takes on its own identity and its own nature of possibility. The reality of all of these platforms, whether it’s Twitter or Tik Tok or LinkedIn, is that they’re actually created for connection. Just because a platform is created with a certain purpose, doesn’t mean that that is the meaning it will take on later down the road.
Damona adds, “When we look at it in the offline world, it’s actually kind of ridiculous. Like, you don’t say, “I intended to meet someone in a bar. So I can’t go to a bar unless I’m there to hook up or to date or to meet someone. We don’t do that offline. Why are we doing this online?” So given how fluid online forums will continue to be, the more we can stay open to possibility and stay present, the sky’s the limit on the connections and the conversations that you’re able to create.
Not ready to try dating on LinkedIn? Let Damona help you redesign your dating profile with the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
CASE KENNY (6:45)
Damona is bringing us an interview with Case Kenny, Instagram sensation and host of the New Mindset, Who Dis? Podcast.
Case is also the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of PRSUIT.com – “a quirky, no BS mindfulness email that feeds your soul.”
(7:42) A love for mindfulness:
Although Case is often asked to talk about relationships and give relationship advice, he hasn’t quite gotten used to it yet. He shares how this was not by design, since he originally started his podcast as a means to share his love for mindfulness and how to take an optimistic, self-aware approach to life. “For a long time, I never touched relationships because I thought, ‘Who am I to give relationship advice? I’m a single guy in my 30s.’ But you know, more and more I talk to people and they’ve said, the area of life where we need mindfulness most is relationships. So I started to give my thoughts, not my advice. Not ‘here’s what’s right’ and ‘here’s what’s wrong’. But just my thoughts on exactly what you said, what can you take from dating experiences that aren’t necessarily great? And I started to do that, and I just realized that there was a lot of power in it.”
(9:28) Not afraid of a good cliché:
One of the things Case is most notable for are his extremely relatable and shareable Instagram posts, in which he holds up mindfulness quotes against urban or cityscape backgrounds. (An example of one of his recent quotes is “sometimes the only closure you need is deciding you are worthy of mutual effort and respect.”)
via GIPHY
So where does Case get the inspo for his content? He states that the majority of what he posts are obvious truths, but that our life experiences can sometimes cause us to forget these truths. “I think a lot of times we confuse ourselves, we overthink. Life beats us up to the point where we no longer believe these things that at some point were fundamental to us. Namely, you don’t chase people who aren’t interested in you, you can’t force someone to love you. Y’know, you shouldn’t ever want to do these things. But I think life, you know, adds up over time, and we forget these things. So I am not afraid of a good cliche, I’m not afraid of stating the obvious, because I think it’s my mission in life to remind people of the things that we know…”
Case mentions that another part of his inspiration, which he also describes as one of his favorite pastimes, is asking older generations what they regret in life. “It’s like a weird, seemingly downer thing to do. But I’ve learned so much from observation and deep thinking, I spend all day every day thinking about these topics.” Damona adds that she often asks her clients to find a relationship role model for themselves. Because you might not have come from a family where healthy relationship dynamics were modeled for you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t gain that knowledge, insight and wisdom through the people you interact with.
(13:02) Be more you-specific:
And when you’re someone who gives relationship advice, you know that you’re going to be asked about relationship red flags. As Case details, the reason talking about red flags is so popular is because, as humans, we gravitate towards absolute truths (although life isn’t always this straightforward). Case recently did an episode on his podcast about red flags, and actually spoke about the red flags his younger self had been putting out while dating. And the biggest one for him was lack of clarity – dating without a reason to date. He adds that this is actually a hurdle that is pretty rampant in today’s dating climate as well (makes a lot of sense, since ‘situationship’ is now practically a colloquialism).
via GIPHY
Case then speaks about the book he wrote that tackles this issue: “I wrote a book called Single Is Your Superpower, and Chapter One was to sit down and ask yourself, why are you dating? And most people were like, ‘What do you mean? Of course, you’re supposed to date, you’re not supposed to be alone. I want to start a family. I want to leave a legacy.’ Very like biological, societal things. And I think those are fine answers. But I think we need more intentional specific-to-you answers… I don’t think it’s an over standard to say I expect someone else to know why they’re dating.”
Damona asks Case to speak a little more about why he himself used to back away from partners who expressed clarity with him. “I’d say two quick things. One, that was a reflection of my lack of maturity, for sure. Like not knowing what I wanted, but continuing to date without knowing that and then being scared off by someone who knows what they want. That’s immaturity… But I think a bigger part of that is lack of awareness around conditioning, lack of awareness around things like attachment styles.” Case ends with the biggest revelation he had being that in dating, there is always going to be some amount of discomfort. And that can show up in different ways – discomfort from being single for a long time, discomfort from having a routine to bringing someone into your life, etc. A lot of people see that discomfort as a sign to back up, but everyone feels that discomfort. “I think any great, rewarding compatible relationship requires that both people challenge the discomfort and engage in the discomfort rather than seeing discomfort as a sign to back up.”
(18:14) Patterns are only patterns:
Damona brings up one of Case’s favorite bites of knowledge, which is “patterns are only patterns until they stop becoming patterns.” Case explains how he believes “the greatest things are on the other side of tremendous friction and frustration, and discomfort and lessons learned. And if we understand that, then hopefully we can empower ourselves to see the ups and downs – and the downs, and the downs – in a way that empowers us rather than pulls us back.” So instead of being a victim to your circumstances (which then may lead to patterns that you get stuck in), ask yourself how you can flip negative observations and experiences into things that empower you rather than lower your standards. Case notes that it’s very tempting to come back to negative assumptions about ourselves, and when we look for the lessons in our negative experiences, we are able to break out of our negative cycles and take our power back.
via GIPHY
(20:18) Sitting with discomfort:
Speaking of taking our power back, Damona once again brings up the idea of discomfort and how it’s such a necessary feeling, because it is the feeling of change happening. Damona then inquires if Case has any exercises on hand for getting more comfortable with discomfort. In the context of dating, Case says “the question is, is this person capable of loving me? Like, that’s always the question… It’s like one thing to go on a couple dates and be like, this is great. But like, is this capable of turning into something real? You look at it through the lens of, is this person willing to embrace the discomfort that’s going to come? Or are they going to back up from that discomfort?” On the flip side, negotiating discomfort in dating isn’t always an issue with the other person. You may then have to ask yourself, am I willing to embrace discomfort to know what I have to do? And more immediately, you may ask yourself, am I willing to embrace the discomfort of stating my intention on day one? Am I willing to embrace the discomfort from what could be rejection, judgment, maybe a weird look? If you can ask yourself these questions and work towards being more comfortable with discomfort, then you unlock a whole new realm of possibilities.
(22:47) Fact or Feeling:
In another recent episode of his podcast, Case tackles the idea of honoring your feelings, but not trusting them. Now what does that mean, exactly? Basically, it’s recognizing and remembering that your feelings are not facts. We can acknowledge the things we tell ourselves or the negative thoughts that come up without fully putting our faith in them. “It’s the ultimate balancing act, right? Like your feelings are your greatest friend, but also can be your greatest enemy. Like, your intuition is so powerful.”
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So how do we know when to trust our emotions or intuition? Case gives Damona an exercise he likes to use called Facts or Feelings. “What I think is really helpful is to establish a list of facts for yourself. Those are facts that you fundamentally believe, and you compare those to your feelings. So for instance, like you come up with a list of facts – I believe that my hard work will pay off. I believe that I am worthy of honesty and kindness, whatever it may be. Those are the facts. When you have a feeling that isn’t aligned with that, you should always listen to it. You shouldn’t ignore, you shouldn’t exist outside of your feelings. But I found it really powerful to take a look at the feeling and compare and contrast that with the fact, and then realize that facts are permanent in your life. The facts are non-negotiable. The feelings are temporary.” Remember that whatever facts you choose, these are the statements that you will never negotiate on when it comes to your worth or what you believe, or how you see the world.
(26:33) Is mindfulness a form of meditation?:
With so much information on how to be mindful in everyday life, could one say that practicing mindfulness is basically meditation? On the contrary, Case believes that meditation is a form of mindfulness. To his interpretation, Case sees being mindful as being self-aware, and in turn being self-aware is to be radically honest with oneself. “Radical Honesty is defined by the practice of asking yourself why, and answering it. So I consider mindfulness the practice of why – a three letter word, very powerful. That’s why I think meditation is a form of asking why. It’s a form of, why are my mind and my body in two different places? Why am I allowing this thought to absorb my energy? Whatever it may be.”
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When you make it a habit of asking yourself “why,” Case says that you begin to experience two things – closure from the past, and clarity in the present. And when you’re operating from a place of closure (or rather, from a place of peace), the answers to all your “why” questions become infinitely clearer.
Check out Case’s podcast New Mindset, Who Dis? And follow him on Instagram @case.kenny for your daily dose of mindfulness.
DEAR DAMONA (31:58)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Dating with Anxiety & The Newly Single Scene
Many people find the uncertainty experienced in dating and relationships stressful, but is anxiety keeping you from meeting your match?
New York Times Best-selling author Allison Raskin, co-host of the Just Between Us podcast, is here to discuss how coming to understand her anxiety and OCD have helped her to approach dating from a new perspective.
DATING DISH (1:25)
The opposite of jealousy:
What is the opposite of jealousy? Well according to Psych Central, it’s a feeling called compersion. To give y’all a definition, compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when they’re positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness. To add some historical context, this term was first coined by the Karissa Commune in San Francisco, which was actually a polyamourous community! This new definition was meant to encapsulate the feeling that you got when you saw your partner with another partner, and made you feel joy rather than jealousy. The article addresses a question you’re probably wondering – is it possible for monogamous people to feel compersion as well? And it definitely is! Monogamous couples may already be experiencing joy for their partners through experiences such as their close friendships or work wins.
Damona suggests that compersion may actually be an opportunity to visualize the kind of partner we want to be in a relationship with, and how we want to feel when we’re with them. Turning your feelings of jealousy into compersion could also act as an opportunity to experience a stronger feeling of connection and oneness with your partner. Psych Central gives some tips on ways to practice compersion in your relationship. The first tip, although counterintuitive, is to acknowledge your feelings of jealousy instead of pushing them away – when you first recognize that the feelings are there, it relieves any tension or judgment you may have around experiencing jealousy in the first place.
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Another suggestion of accessing compersion is to practice it first in non-romantic relationships. Practice compersion when a family member or friend is experiencing joy. And if you are having a hard time shifting your feelings of jealousy to joy, not to worry – the article states that it is definitely possible to feel compersion and jealousy at the same time. Regardless, keep an open mind to how practicing compersion may help you find greater compassion for your romantic partner, as well as every other relationship in your life.
Ready to find your match? Let Damona help you out with the free Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free at HERE!
ALLISON RASKIN (9:48)
Damona sits down with Allison Raskin, New York Times bestselling author and co-host of the Just Between Us podcast.
Allison is the author of “Overthinking About You: Navigating Romantic Relationships When You Have Anxiety, OCD, and/or Depression.” Additionally, she has developed shows with FX, Netflix, MTV, YouTube Red and 20th Century Television.
(10:52) A hard time with uncertainty:
Before writing her book, Allison was truly surprised that a book hadn’t yet been written on the experience of what it’s like to date with anxiety and OCD. She recounts that mental health has always been a prevalent part of her life, since she was diagnosed with OCD at four years old. “I don’t think I’ve recognized how my anxieties and my different mental health struggles made dating really hard. I think I really viewed them as two separate things that I have mental illness. And also, I’m bad at dating.” Allison shares that the uncertainty of dating was the most challenging part. She felt stuck in this loop of forever trying to lock things down, trying to define what things were and trying to get reassurance that the relationship was leading somewhere. So when she began dating in a healthier way, she felt extremely curious that this kind of change was possible. One of Allison’s missions in her book is to address the changes you can make to date in a healthier way.
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(15:08) When is the time for intervention?:
Allison explains that in order to date in a healthy way, you have to be in a stable enough place to do so. “There have been times in my life where I’ve just not been stable enough to date. And that didn’t stop me from dating, and then it was a disaster. But I think the ability to really check in with yourself is important.” Be sure to keep tabs on yourself, and your reactions to different dating scenarios. For instance, Allison mentions that if your date were to cancel plans with you at the last minute, there are two very different reactions that could be had. The first is to feel rightly annoyed and shake it off, and the second is to spiral into self-deprecating thoughts. Both of these reactions can help to let you know where your head is at, and how much your external circumstances are affecting your internal reality.
(17:13) The value of diagnosis:
Damona asks Allison about weighing the difference between having anxious thoughts while dating, versus having an actual diagnosis such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which Allison has herself). “It’s interesting, because there’s a lot of debate within the mental health community about the value of diagnosis. A lot of people don’t really think there’s much value in diagnosing people. And instead, it’s more important to just work with the individual and their personal symptoms and making their daily life better. The value in diagnosis often gives us a common language and vocabulary. So if I go from one therapist, to another therapist, and I say, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with OCD,’ they have a general idea of what that means.”
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So, when is the right time to reveal your diagnosis to your partner or the person you’re dating? Allison expresses that it’s really important to pay attention to what stage you’re at in the relationship versus how long you’ve known the person. “So for some people on a first date, you might dive into some really deep topics. Some people are just naturally more open and vulnerable… And so when you are talking about the more intimate things, then it becomes a little tricky to omit the mental health of it all. But if you’re in a stage of dating where it’s pretty casual, you’re just talking about work friends and what movies you saw, and you haven’t really deep dived into the bigger life stuff, then I don’t think that you need to share it yet… Because it’s not just about ‘Oh god, I’m sharing this thing. I hope that they don’t reject me because of it.’ It’s also how does this person receive this information. It is a great opportunity for you to see if this person is even worth your intimacy and your vulnerabilities.”
(21:58) Is dating with OCD a big deal?:
Dating with OCD or another diagnosis is one thing, but how do you navigate your mental health once you are in a relationship? Allison affirms that if your diagnosis impacts your day to day life, it’s going to impact the day to day life of whoever you’re with. Because of this fact, communicating with your partner is key. “Really understanding the way that your brain works, and then being able to have the language to explain that to another person is uncomfortable, it’s vulnerable. But it’s going to serve you so much. It’s so important to get there.” Letting your partner or date know when you’re struggling can give them the insight to know why you’re reacting the way that you are.
If being very forward with your partner about your diagnosis sounds scary, Allison recommends roleplaying – “If you have somebody in your life that you trust, that maybe already knows this stuff about you, you can have a roleplay conversation with them. When you know that you’re starting to date somebody and you’re getting ready to tell them [about your diagnosis], you can practice out loud with someone else, what you want to say and how you want to say it… Because then in the moment, you have that to fall back on, versus the potential anxiety of not knowing what to say, which will then impact the way that you say it.”
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(26:09) From fiancé to boyfriend:
Although Allison is currently living with her new boyfriend, the end of her book includes personal anecdotes having to do with her previous partner, her fiancé to be exact – so what changed? Allison recounts that when she was writing this book, she was living with a different person who eventually proposed to her in May of 2020. “It was basically my dream come true. I’m somebody who has always wanted to be married, always wanted a life partner. And it was also like, ‘Oh, great. I’m writing this book about how to date in a healthy way. And I won, I got engaged! By the time the book comes out, I’ll be a married woman and I’ll be able to speak from a level of expertise I’ve never had before and all this stuff.’” (When writing the book post-proposal, the last chapter had a whole interview between Allison and her ex-fiancé.)
Later that year in November 2020, on a very random night, Allison’s ex told her that the relationship was over, that something was missing. “He didn’t want to work it out, he didn’t want to do anything. He had unilaterally decided that the relationship was unsalvageable. And for an anxious mind, it can be really harmful to try to fill in what is that something. Because then you can start to go, ‘Oh, I’m ugly. They don’t find me attractive anymore. I’m annoying. They think I’m a bad mother. They think that my OCD will ruin his life, like you fill in that blank because they didn’t give you any answers.’ It was very ironic, because I kind of became the first guinea pig of the book’s messaging, where I was able to have this huge heartbreak without also having a mental breakdown. And I remember feeling in my gut, this is so awful. This is so painful, but I know I’m going to be okay.”
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(30:42) Leading with optimism:
We won’t spoil all the juicy parts of Allison’s book, but Damona remarks how the last line Allison leaves readers with is “don’t give up on yourself, and don’t give up on love.” Even after having experienced devastating heartbreak, Allison remembers how she made the decision to not let her ex control her life. “If I didn’t start dating again and if I gave up on this lifelong dream of having a partner, then not only was he robbing me of the future I thought we were gonna have together, he was robbing me of any good future I could have for myself. And so I really decided I had to take the power back. And for me, taking the power back meant not letting it prevent me from the type of life I wanted… And so I kind of dove back in [to dating] pretty quickly, because I could tell that if I waited a long time, I was going to be too afraid.”
Allison adds how a big part of moving forward from heartbreak was learning to be okay with the gray, instead of always needing things to be very clearly black and white. “It felt really uncomfortable for me to be dating somebody while I was still in love with my ex-fiancé. That process took a long time, and a lot of the beginning of our relationship was me getting over somebody else. I credit myself for being able to tolerate that discomfort. And I also really, really credit John for giving me the space to do that, and not making me feel like I had to hide my thoughts about it.”
(35:34) Come from a place of love:
Damona asks for Allison’s thoughts on what to do if you are the partner of someone with a diagnosis, and how to best support them? Allison answers with another of the book’s vital themes – you need to be your primary helper, and then your partner is your secondary helper. “When somebody is suffering with these various disorders, I get that you want to help them and you want to be a support system. But for it to be a healthy dynamic, they have to be their own primary helper. If you develop into a pattern where it’s all on you to help them and they’re not doing things to help themselves, that can be really problematic. But if you have a partner who has the language and the ability to say, ‘Hey, I’m noticing that my depression is getting worse. I’m going to go back to therapy, I’m going to start exercising more regularly for the dopamine.’ Then you can say, ‘Great, thank you for telling me. Now I know that the reason that we’ve been off is because you’re off, but it’s not a reflection of how you feel about me. Thank you for that clarity. Let me know how I can support you in helping you get better.’”
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Along with being a secondary helper, Allison says that it’s always important to come from a place of love versus accusation. That can show up in many ways, for instance instead of stating your feelings as fact, observing “Hey, I’ve noticed that, it seems like maybe your anxiety is a little more present than it’s been in other times. Does that feel true to you?” Or reminding your partner that they’ve gotten through these episodes before, and they’ve gotten themselves back up.
Check out Alison’s podcast Just Between Us, and you can follow her on Instagram @allisonraskin.
And be sure to order your copy of Overthinking About You, on shelves May 3rd!
DEAR DAMONA (40:05)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Deeper Dating & Comfortably Single
Most of us are looking for love, but is it possible some of us are doing it all wrong?
Psychotherapist Ken Page of the podcast Deeper Dating is here to share how self empowerment and a deeper understanding of oneself can lead to deeper and more optimistic dating.
DATING DISH (1:30)
(1:30) A new term for our Dating Dictionary:
This article in InStyle Magazine describes how “hesidating” is running rampant among singles right now. Plenty of Fish coined this new term, since a recent study of theirs showed how 70% of singles are unsure about their relationship status, and whether they want something serious or more casual. So in other words, they are hesidating (hesitating to date).
The article and Damona both agree that this heightened hesitancy is a downstream effect of the pandemic, considering how none of us are sure when the pandemic will really subside. Damona brings up another article she spotted in the New York Times, which dove into the experience of languishing (which similarly mirrors the feelings behind hesidating). According to this article, languishing is this feeling of not quite being depressed, but not really being excited and optimistic. You’re just languishing – you’re in the middle. As a result, it just creates all of these icky feelings that bleed over into other areas of our lives.
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Damona recounts all the highs and lows we in the dating scene have experienced as a result of the pandemic. When Covid first hit in the Spring of 2020, singles were using dating apps as a tool to connect amidst all the separation. Then there was the first Summer of Uncertainty, which bled into the Fall Haze (where languishing started to develop). By the following Summer (aka Hot Girl Summer), people were pulling away from dating apps and dating in general because of the Delta surge. Now, singles continue to hesitate in dating because all of the restrictions keep changing. Although we are still unsure how safe it is to be dating out in the streets, Damona states that partnerships and relationships are the things that fuels so much else, and could potentially be the key to moving on from languishing.
You can be on the apps… but if you’re not really present with your swiping and are continuing to hesitate, it is wasting your time and energy. We have spent so much time behind our screens, cornered away in our own little worlds. It will take decisive action, not indecision, to move forward. It is okay to only be seeking casual dating right now (and maybe it’s the answer to move you out of languishing) – own that, embrace it. But if you want something more serious, lead with that in your dating profile and on your in-person dates. Figure out what you need to shore up emotionally to come to the table as a whole person, because dating will bring out all your stuff.
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Need help expressing your relationship goals in your dating profile? Downloading my Profile Starter Kit may be the first step for you! Get your free kit HERE.
KEN PAGE (8:30)
Damona is here with Ken Page – LCSW, renowned psychotherapist, and host of the Deeper Dating Podcast.
Ken is the co-founder of DeeperDating.com, an online dating experience for single people to meet in an environment that’s kind, respectful and inspiring. He’s been featured in Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Fox News, and is also the author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy.
Ken is passionate about helping people understand the search for love as one of the greatest spiritual adventures in life.
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(9:42) Our core gifts:
Before learning how to date successfully and finding his life partner, Ken notes how he carried the inherent belief that he was not attractive enough, and therefore wasn’t confident enough, to attract the attention of other men. He went on this intense journey of becoming extremely buff and physically in shape (believing his “attractive” problem was fixed), only to find that it had made no difference in pulling in the kinds of people he wanted to date for a serious relationship.
Damona asks Ken what shifted in order for him to meet his husband. “The thing that made the difference was that an innate quality of goodness in me, that I had been embarrassed about my entire life – I finally learned to honor and dignify and treasure, and take it really seriously. And when that happened, that’s when everything changed. And that made me begin to think, maybe there’s a pattern here. The pattern being that there are places of passion and vulnerability that we think we need to hide to find love, because we’re either not enough, or we’re too much. Those parts are what I call our core gifts. And when we start to treasure those, and then we make this shift, we say I am only going to look for someone who treasures those qualities in me, and where it’s mutual. And that is it. When we make that change, our world changes. And hope comes back because we start to see things change.”
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(13:20) Attractions of deprivation vs inspiration:
Ken often speaks of “becoming a student of your attractions” – meaning, instead of focusing on becoming irresistible to quality people, you have to become irresistible to the kind of person who is looking for someone just like you by being you. “The focus is on how to become more attractive. But the deeper focus is, who am I attracted to? What are my attraction patterns? And how can I begin to shift those?”
Damona then brings up another concept that Ken teaches, called Attractions of Deprivation vs Attractions of Inspiration. The idea here is that we cannot force our attractions, but we can educate them (although this process takes time). Ken lists two changes you can make regarding these attractions that will set you up for profound change: “The two changes I think are embracing those authentic qualities that we talked about… And the second is to choose your attractions of inspiration and saying no to your attractions of deprivation.”
So how does Ken define both of these attractions? “Attractions of deprivation are the people who almost are able to commit, who almost treat you like they treasure you consistently. But no, they don’t. They can’t… And when you’re hooked, then there’s this feeling of the person pulling away or not being there, which triggers an ancient response of ‘I cannot lose this person.’ So this feels like love. But it’s not love… It’s an attraction of deprivation.” Once Ken started to honor and champion his own core gifts, he developed more of a pull towards attractions of inspiration. “I realized I could also be attracted to people who were kind, decent, and smart and were available… It would be a different kind of attraction. It might not be as white hot as first, but something in my heart and soul would feel really good.”
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In order to find your attractions of inspiration, Ken suggests asking yourself this question: “Does my deep heart feel safe with this person? And if the answer is pretty much consistently yes, you’ve got something to go on. Then all the other stuff follows.”
(23:24) The wave of distancing:
Damona ponders how an Attraction of Inspiration might also feel more like a slow burn, rather than an instant spark. Ken expands into what he calls “the wave of distancing, which I think is the single greatest destroyer of healthy new love.” The wave of distancing is the process of meeting someone who feels like an attraction of inspiration to you, and they are available and ready to build a relationship. Then out of the blue, things about them start to seem less exciting and not as desirable. “What that is, is a spasm of fear, in many cases, because you finally met someone that really could be available and that’s scary as hell… But by not pressuring myself and giving myself space for this kind of thing that I have, that many people have, it went away.”
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(26:00) Valuing kindness in the scope of dating:
One of Ken’s core values as a coach revolves around valuing and practicing kindness in one’s dating life. He details that when you slow down and look for the goodness in someone, you create more space to notice the things about people that resonate with you simply for who they are. You begin to operate less from a fight or flight/sex vs flight/romance vs flight kind of place, because your values will change as well. And in turn, Ken says that you will make better choices overall when you practice kindness. Ken also continues with how dating apps can tend to hold us back: “When you’re doing that quick thing of just swiping, you actually will be much more prone to choosing your scratch-the-itch type, which, according to a lot of couples theory, are the people who embody both the best but also the worst characteristics of your primary caregiver… Your ego wants to go back to the scene of the crime to finally get the perpetrator to love you, right. And that does not work so well… By making these deep shifts, you’re actually going to notice different people, different sensors get activated, and they’re much better sensors. [These] will lead you to a much happier future.”
Check out Ken’s podcast Deeper Dating and follow him on IG @deeper.dating for more advice!
And if you’re curious, head over to Ken’s website for more info on working with him.
DEAR DAMONA (31:38)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Date Lab: Lead with the Icebreakers
“After watching Netflix’s ‘Love Is Blind,’ PJ Silva, 27, was inspired to try our love experiment and leave his disappointing relationship with dating apps behind. When he arrived at Inca Social in Arlington, his date, Jamie Smith, was already seated.
Click here to see how PJ and Jaimie broke the ice…
Drew’s Love Bug: First Date Advice
Damona helps give first date advice to an audience member on The Drew Barrymore Show, encouraging them to make what she calls a curiosity list and not to be afraid to give people a chance to surprise you.
Watch what happens here:
Empty Nesters Looking to Reignite their Marriage
Tommy and Tracey Spero have been married for twenty-two years and now find their marriage in a new phase after their daughter moved out of the house. Damona joins Drew to talk through several strategies for setting new boundaries and reigniting their connection.
Watch what happens here:
CNBC: How money can build or break your relationship
It’s not a secret that people in committed relationships tend to perform well financially. A Pew Research study found that in 2019, men and women both earned more and were more financially sound in a committed relationship. However, that doesn’t mean someone should date solely for financial security.
But if you’re actively dating, it’s normal to be curious of a potential partner’s financial situation, regardless of where you’re at in the dating process. Damona Hoffman, OkCupid Dating Coach and Host of The Dates & Mates Podcast, suggests “daters who get better with their money will naturally attract better dating prospects because it is still one of the primary attractors in our society.”
Curious to read more? Check out the full article here…
Vox: What science still can’t explain about love
Psychologists are hardly the only experts on love, so I was curious to ask matchmakers and relationship coaches this same question: Do people really know what they want? Are relationships discovered, or are they built?
They see a bit of both. Yes, people have a vague sense of what they want. But they owe it to themselves to investigate those desires further. “I think a lot of times people do not have clarity on what they want,” relationship coach Damona Hoffman says. But they’ll have the start of it. They’ll have a preference that needs to be unpacked further to reveal a core value they want to share in a partner.
Read the rest HERE!
DBS: Valentine’s Day Red Flags
Valentine’s Day is approaching, and so is a myriad of potential red flags! Resident love expert Damona is here to help separate the salt from the sugar with what’s a red flag, what’s a green one, and that’s a signal to run the other direction.
Check out all the red flags below…
12 Things People Get Wrong About Relationships
What if everything you think you know about relationships is wrong?
Damona spoke with Gary W. Lewandowski at Psychology Today to piece apart what it means to want and be in a relationship. More specifically, about “The Soulmate Myth.” Here’s a sneak peek:
The Soulmate Myth: Nearly two-thirds of Americans believe in soulmates, or the idea that there is one single person who is their perfect match. While it’s a charming idea for a rom-com or fairytale, in practice, it leads people who are single to be constantly on the quest for perfection among those they date as they search for this magical “soulmate” feeling—a feeling that is ultimately unattainable.
Check out the rest of Damona’s advice HERE!
DBS: Is cancelling plans a red flag?
It is no secret that dating out there is TOUGH. And we all deal with the human urge to walk toward the red flags when we see them. That’s why Damona is here to offer professional advice on how to spot the red flags early and walk AWAY from them.
Watch the full segment below!