No matter how amazing any relationship is, there will always be conflict. It’s inevitable. As humans we are going to have differences of opinions, emotions, or beliefs at least occasionally. In the end, it’s how you navigate through the tough times that will ultimately determine the longevity of your relationship.
That’s why Jayson Gaddis, relationship teacher and the host of The Relationship School podcast, is here to share his methods for navigating conflict in dating and relationships.
DATING DISH (1:25)
Will those viral ‘36 questions’ actually lead to love?:
After having been around for years, an article from The Conversation is bringing the 36 Questions of Love back on our radars for discussion. If the 36 Questions don’t ring a bell for you, let us give you a little backstory. These 36 Questions of Love were first published in 1997 as part of scientific research into relationships. But you might actually recognize them from the 2015 New York Times essay written by Mandy Lynn Khatron, To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This. Originally, there was a researcher named Arthur Aaron who, along with his colleagues, had a group of strangers ask each other a series of questions that became progressively more intimate in context. According to the study’s results, they found that through the gradual increase in disclosure between strangers, they also increased in closeness. And following the study, there were participants who actually fell in love and kept the friendships they’d made. Fast forward to 2015, the NYT essay then asked – if we applied these questions to people looking to fall in love, what would happen? If you ask a stranger these 36 questions, would you know enough about this person to actually fall in love with them?
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So what are some examples of the 36 questions? The questions are actually structured into 2 sets which increase in intensity. Set #1 has questions like “what do you feel most grateful for in your life?” Set #2 includes ones like “what’s your most treasured memory?” And Set #3 ends with the hard hitters, like “when did you last cry in front of another person?”
According to The Conversation, the 36 questions don’t lead to love and were never intended to lead to love. But what they DO do, is they help us figure out what is really important to disclose in a relationship. Damona summarizes that you can develop intimacy with a person more quickly through the kinds of questions that you ask. And hopefully, she says, you will not be afraid when you are on a date to get to the heart of what the other person’s values, beliefs, and goals for the future are. “We tend to stay away from conflict when we’re in a new relationship. But it’s so revealing. It can really teach you how you communicate, and it can show you how to be a better listener and to be more authentic in the relationship.” And most of all, as good as it is to be open and vulnerable when getting to know someone, remember that your information needs to be earned.
(P.S. If you want a real blast from the past, check out this show Damona hosted in 2017 called A Question of Love, where the contestants asked similar questions as the 36 Questions of Love to quickly figure out if they were compatible with their partner.)
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Ready to test your compatibility and find your match? Let Damona help you redesign your dating profile with the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
JAYSON GADDIS (10:41)
Jayson Gaddis is an author, podcaster, speaker and “personal trainer for relationships”.
Jayson started off as a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice, and since then he has founded The Relationship School – a company dedicated to helping people work out their differences to improve their relationships.
Today he hosts The Relationship School podcast where he teaches people how to build street-level relationship skills. His book “Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High Stakes Relationships” is out now!
(11:26) Getting down to zero:
Since his book completely revolves around the different types of conflict, Damona asks Jayson for his definition of conflict. According to Jayson, conflict = a rupture, a disconnection, or an unresolved issue between two people. His book, Getting to Zero, is targeted toward high stakes relationships, which include family partnerships, business partnerships, every relationship where we have a lot to lose if we can’t resolve the conflict. And the way that we resolve conflict is what Jayson calls “getting to zero.” He evaluates our triggers based on a 1-10 scale, and the further we are from zero, the more activated we are in our nervous system. Meaning, the more we tend to act out and react in ways that aren’t helpful for resolving conflict. “And it’s through that process of getting to zero getting back to a good place, over and over, that builds security in long term relationships.”
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Damona wonders what happens when you are consistently at a 9 on the trigger scale at work, and how this can impact our relationships at home. Because let’s face it – we’re all pretty stressed out these days. “If we’re in a good place [with our partner], then no problem. Our partner can help resource us and they can be a safe place for us to vent and get support. But some of us go home to a shitty, crunchy relationship, and then we’re dealing with even more stress… So many of us are living with a lot of chronic, low grade stress, we don’t even notice the water we’re swimming in. Some of us even grew up in households that were at a 4. And that was considered zero. But it’s not good for us. Again, it creates long term health problems, if we’re living in that chronic environment all the time.”
(15:37) Addicted to the drama:
Damona mentions that people can become addicted to the drama of a relationship. So much so, that finally moving into something more secure feels boring, or like there’s something wrong with the relationship. Jayson adds that growing up in hostile or intense environments can add to that level of addiction, because it messes with your hormone release – messy ends up feeling familiar and safe. Jayson recalls working with a client with the same issue, and having to really ask the client to become comfortable with himself, and become more accustomed to his own fears and discomforts. “I was like, ‘Look, do you want a relationship where you have to leave yourself behind in that volatility, to protect yourself? Or would you rather have a relationship where you get to keep yourself, but you might lose the relationship?’ So we’re helping him deepen and enhance his relationship with himself, so that it kind of weeds out the people that try to seduce him into this up and down thing.”
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() The 5 most common fights:
In his book, Jayson outlines the five most common types of fights people have. The five are: surface fights, value difference fights, projection fights, resentment fights, and security fights. Surface fights revolve around the little things (i.e. not washing the dishes, leaving dirty clothes on the floor), but are never really about the little things. Surface fights almost always lead into one of the other four types of fights.
A value difference fight is a dealbreaker for some people. Those are the types of agreements such as being pro-vaccine and someone else is anti-vaccine, wanting kids or not, moving to the east coast or west coast – these are very large value differences that are pretty hard to work out. “If we don’t know how to accept each other’s values and work with them in a relationship, we’re going to want the other person to come over to our values. And that alone creates a lot of fighting, tension, and feeling judged and criticized.” Jayson also highlights a value difference that is not commonly talked about, which is being willing to work through conflict. If there is a relationship in which one person wants to go to couples therapy and grow and develop, and the other person believes that there’s nothing to fix, that will create problems. You can’t get to zero with someone who doesn’t want to learn how. Damona adds that being clear on your own values is extremely important, because not knowing just contributes to the conflict and lack of clarity on how to resolve the issue.
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Next you have projection fights, which revolve around childhood projections. We tend to find ourselves with people in a long term relationship that remind us of our family of origin, usually our parents or caregivers. And we then project onto them, which will often trigger us. These kinds of fights can be particularly difficult if you don’t realize that you are actively projecting.
Fourth are resentment fights. This is where one partner tries to get the other to change themselves in some way. “If I don’t conform when you want me to change, you’ll resent me. If I do conform when you want me to change, I’ll resent you.” And lastly, you have security fights. According to Jayson’s book, “if any of your four relational needs – feeling safe, feeling seen, feeling soothed, and feeling supported and challenged – is unstable in any way, it will impact your sense of security, and every surface conflict will be more intense because of the unresolved security issue.”
(24:17) Tools for defusing conflict:
When in the middle of conflict, Jayson has a couple of acronyms he shares in his book that will help you move towards resolution. The first is called LUFU, which Jayson describes as being a commitment to listen to the other person until they feel understood – Listen Until you Feel Understood. “In that process there’s eight steps. But the three that matter most to me are I want to take responsibility for anything I did in the listening process. I want to not defend myself, I’m gonna say ‘Yeah, got it, I did that thing.’ So I take ownership. And then I want to empathize. I imagine the impact on you, and it makes sense. That’s the validation part. The last step, ‘it makes sense’ – three words. That’s the easiest way to validate someone. ‘That makes sense that you feel that way, that you feel hurt, that you felt scared, and that you’re upset now.’ I continue to stay in my listening seat until you feel like I’m understanding you. And then eventually, you’re hopefully also going to be generous with me, and you’ll listen to what happened for me.”
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Also in Jayson’s repertoire is the acronym SHORE – Speak Honestly and Openly in order to Repair Effectively. “If you take responsibility for what you did or didn’t do, that alone is going to help the other person’s nervous system chill out big time. And a lot of us don’t do that. We speak, we lead with what the other person did wrong, and how we’re right, and how they made us feel. I think it’s just more efficient to lead with, ‘are you open to having a conversation? I just want to say I messed up there. Yep, I did that thing again that really upsets you, and it makes sense you’re upset. I just want to know how you feel.’”
But as many tools as we may acquire, the one thing to have above all is a willingness to be a team player, to make sacrifices, and collaborate with your partner.
(31:14) But what if I can’t get to zero?:
Getting to zero and working through conflict typically requires two people to work together – but what if only one of you is willing to work at it? Jayson states that family is an easy place to identify those kinds of relationships, where certain members may be particularly closed minded or unable to see their own role in a conflict, not to mention where value differences come into play. But luckily, Jayson maintains that you can get to zero on your own (there’s a whole chapter dedicated to this in his book). And sometimes you have to, because the other person will never come to the table. “I don’t want to stay angry at this person my entire life. I just don’t, it’s energy draining. So how can I get to either gratitude or appreciation, or just appreciating myself at the very least, and sort of letting go of that relationship forever?”
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You can follow Jayson on Instagram @jaysongaddis, and you can learn more about his school at relationshipschool.com. Plus, be sure to check out his podcast by the same name – The Relationship School.
If you liked what Jayson had to say, check out his book, Getting to Zero, HERE!
DEAR DAMONA (35:32)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- IG Message from Lisa – Hi Damona! I recently went on a date with a guy and we really seemed to click on the date. The conversation flowed well and we had a lot in common; we even talked about going to the driving range on a second date. I knew he was going out of town for 2 weeks the day after our date for a work trip, but 2 weeks is a long time to wait between the first and second date. We’ve texted a few times about how his trip is going and I’ve asked a few ‘would you rather’ questions. He’s answered all my texts, but isn’t asking me anything back. I’m having a hard time telling if he’s still interested and I’m not sure if my texts are just boring to him. How do I keep the momentum going during these 2 weeks? Should I call or suggest a video date while he’s out of town? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you!
DAMONA’S DEALS
Dating Health Update & Party and a Protest
It’s Pride Month – a time for the LGBTQ+ community and its allies to celebrate and to generate awareness about rights for folks in LGBTQ community. Of course this means there will be lots of gathering, lots of close contact… and maybe even the potential to meet more matches. But, while you’re out there doing your thing, it’s crucial to remember to stay safe.
To help you do just that, friend of the show Dr. James Simmons (a.k.a. Ask the NP) is here to give us an update on where we are in the pandemic dating season and bring us into Pride Month. No matter your sexual orientation or gender identity, there’s a lot to learn in today’s episode. Buckle up!
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DATING DISH (2:08)
Straight women are dating in unexpected places, but is it working?:
A recent article from Buzzfeed dove into a cultural movement that has been making waves in the LGBTQ community the past couple of years – straight women joining the gay/queer dating app Grindr. To its own testament, Grindr calls itself the world’s largest social networking app for gay, bi, trans and queer people. But the reality is that women have been trying to “get it on by getting on Grindr” since it launched in 2009. The push from cis women to make space on Grindr was so extreme, that Grindr’s founder Joel Simkhai eventually obliged, creating a straight version of the app called Blendr in 2011. (Never heard of Blendr? That’s probably because the app bombed after it’s launch, synchronizing with the launch of Tinder in 2012.)
Now cisgender women have actually been allowed on Grindr since 2017. But over the last year, Grindr users have been complaining about the influx of cis women seeking hookups with bisexual male partners. For cishet (cisgender and heterosexual) women, the hope is to explore relationships with men who present alternatives to traditional masculinity, and make connections with bisexual men who maybe aren’t comfortable being out as bisexual on some of the traditional dating apps. But if that’s the case, then Grindr is actually acting as the safe space for a lot of bisexual men. Nowadays, there are more people identifying as bisexual than ever before. According to the article, 3% of US adults identified as bi in 2018, compared to just 1% ten years earlier. Additionally, nearly 12% of Gen Z folks state that they’re bisexual, compared with only 5% of millennials.
So what is Damona’s take on this article? Well, it’s one that you might have heard on the podcast before. “You’ve heard me talk before on this podcast about trying to dictate what an app is used for, like when people ask me ‘is Tinder the hookup app?’ We don’t get to decide how the app is used… But at the same time, it’s creating an environment where the people who are there because they don’t feel safe on the other apps, or have a hard time connecting with people who share their goals, their values, and their gender or sexual identity – they now feel like the place that was their safe space is no longer theirs.” Damona also wants female, cishet Grindr users to be mindful of their attraction to bisexual men, and the possible fetishization that comes with it. “Because unless you’re looking for a thruple where you are having sex with two men, I’m not sure that that person’s bisexuality is relevant in your dating search. What is probably going on is that there’s something else that you’re connecting to among those bisexual men. Maybe it’s the safety and security, maybe there’s something that’s going on internally and rejecting traditional masculine traits. It’s something to be aware of.”
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Who needs Grindr for more matches, when you can get Damona’s Profile Starter Kit! She’ll give you the best tips to revamp your profile. Download yours for free HERE!
JAMES SIMMONS (10:25)
Damona is here with our good friend Dr. James Simmons. Dr. James is a Board Certified Acute Care Nurse Practitioner, frontline healthcare provider during the Covid-19 pandemic, and passionate on-air medical contributor. He has appeared on NBC, FOX, CBS, ABC, KTLA, Loveline, and more!
(11:14) The covid in the room:
With Hot Girl Summer Vol. 2 approaching and IRL dating coming back into play, it’s easy to forget that covid is most definitely still a thing. But how big of a risk is it? Dr. James says that “it really depends on who you are in terms of risk. So interestingly, some data just came out about Omicron. Remember that everyone was saying ‘Oh, it’s just like a bad cold. Don’t worry about it. No big deal.’ And in some instances, that’s true. But for seniors, so anybody 65 and older,, Omicron actually ended up being more deadly than Delta… We’re in a different world now since the last time we had to talk about this. So hopefully you are at least doubly vaccinated, if not boosted once, and boosted four times if you’re eligible. So if you are not immunocompromised, if you don’t live with someone who’s immunocompromised or has high risk, and you’re vaccinated, I think you can do IRL dating.”
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Dr. James adds that it’s probably a good idea to feel out where your date is in terms of vaccination status before meeting up in person. “So let’s say you match on OKCupid, you’re like chatting, you say ‘let’s meet in real life.’ And they’re like, ‘Well, I’m not vaccinated. I don’t believe in it. I don’t want to get tested.’ Okay, maybe you’re gonna think twice about going on a date with that person. But if you’re like, ‘you know what, the government’s given us 12 free home tests. Why don’t you take one of those home tests real quick, and I’ll do the same thing. And if we’re both negative, let’s meet tonight for dinner.’ I think that’s totally fine.”
(14:34) Monkeypox isn’t a “gay disease”:
A recent outbreak of monkeypox in the LGBTQ community has people kind of freaked out, but Dr. James says this isn’t something to panic about. “Monkeypox is in the same category as smallpox and chickenpox. It’s like a cousin virus… It was first discovered in 1958 in Sub-Saharan Africa, and it probably jumped from rodents to humans. And here’s the thing, it’s really, really hard to catch… You probably shouldn’t get it because, a) we only have about 550 confirmed cases in the world as of the recording of this podcast. And b) it has a very obvious rash, just Google ‘monkeypox rash.’ If anyone has this rash, like don’t touch him, don’t sleep with them. Don’t share anything with them.”
Damona wants to clarify that just because this outbreak started in the gay community doesn’t make it a “gay disease.” Dr. James says this has only become an outbreak because the origin has been tied to two really big raves. One of them was a rave generally for gay men, i.e. a lot of people were shirtless and dancing against each other. So someone in that rave had monkeypox and touched a bunch of people. Then someone probably went from that one rave to another rave the next night, not knowing they were carrying monkeypox, and touched a bunch of people. Some people at this rave probably also left to have sex with each other. All in all, monkeypox generally needs prolonged touching to catch it. The only thing is that generally monkeypox is most contagious when you have the rash, and the rash is active. So keep that Google search on hand, just in case you need to check your partners for the rash.
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(20:36) Ecstasy & fentanyl:
On the topic of raves, Damona brings up how she’s seen a lot of stories lately about certain drugs being laced with fentanyl. Dr. James weighs in: “I’m really glad you brought this up. What we’re seeing, particularly on the hospital side, is that people are ingesting or smoking or whatever drug they’re doing, and not knowing that there are high levels of fentanyl in that drug… Fentanyl is incredibly strong. It’s 100 times stronger than morphine and it’s very hyper concentrated. So it’s not necessarily that fentanyl as an opioid is more dangerous than other opioids, it’s just much stronger and more concentrated.” Another big problem is, as the consumer, you don’t know where along that drug supply chain the fentanyl is being added. When these drugs are cut with fentanyl, it’s way down the illicit drug pipeline. And this is done on purpose to make the drug more addictive so that you come back and buy more of it because fentanyl is highly addictive. “There are tons of places that give out Narcan which is the thing that will reverse fentanyl. So if you overdose on fentanyl, the person can literally just smell Narcan and it will reverse it for them.”
Damona asks Dr. James to cover the signs to look out for in case of an overdose:
(25:33) Times are a-changing:
Damona brings us some OkCupid stats, sharing that 97% of OKCupid daters care are now sharing that they care about LGBTQ plus issues, and 7/10 said it matters if their match does. So what are Dr. James’ thoughts on these shifting times? “I think about how people received me coming out in the 90s in the Midwest, versus now. I recently lost my father, and so I was going back and forth from LA to Nebraska a lot like every other week. But not one person batted an eye in the grocery store, in the hospital, or at the funeral home at any of these places. When I talked about my husband, not one person batted an eye.”
“Now, unfortunately, what comes with that is that we are still trending towards the highest rate of black trans women being murdered this year… So, while we generally talk about the LGBTQ plus community as a whole, I do think it is really important when we have these conversations to sort of separate folks out. So while I’ll say we’ve come a really long way, particularly I think for cisgender gay men and lesbians, we still have a really long way to go when it comes to the people fully understanding and accepting what it means to be trans.”
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(29:25) Bisexual vs pansexual:
Dr. James drops how he has recently been identifying as pansexual, and Damona brings up some more stats. According to OkCupid, since last year there has been nearly a 10% increase in users identifying as pansexual. There’s also been a 250% increase in users identifying as bisexual, and a 29% increase in users identifying as non binary.
Damona asks Dr. James for some insight on how he came to find “pansexual” a better fit for his sexual orientation. “You know, I think semantics and words matter. So just so people understand, pansexual is sort of a sexual attractiveness to anyone, but not necessarily in the same degree. I always like to joke that, let’s say you put Idris Elba and Priyanka Chopra in front of me. Like, I’m always gonna pick Idris Elba. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t think Priyanka Chopra is also really attractive, right? And so there’s rather than bi being ‘I am attracted to cisgender men and cisgender women,’ pan includes our trans brothers and sisters.”
National HIV Testing Day is coming up on June 27! Understanding your HIV status starts with testing, so be sure to get your test this month. Dr. James says you can even Google ‘free at home HIV test kit’ or ‘free HIV testing near me.’
Be sure to follow Dr. James on Instagram @askthenp and @askthenp_ on TikTok. And you can also check out his website askthenp.com.
DEAR DAMONA (35:28)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
The Love Drive & Changing Labels
Dating is complicated and it’s easy to get wrapped up in the “Dating Game.” But the reality is, everyone is playing by different rules. And, it’s really just a part of life since we all have unique needs and interests. So let’s quit the game-playing! It’s honesty and authenticity that will lead to the intimacy you’re seeking in your dating life and your relationships.
That’s why love coach and host of The Love Drive podcast, Shaun Galanos, is here to talk about intimacy in all its forms.
DATING DISH (1:42)
Do you bring your friends on dates? You’re not alone. No really, you’re not alone:
In one of their recent headlines, The Mirror pointed out that one in five Singletons admit to secretly taking a friend on a date with them (are you guys seriously doing this?). Researchers polled 2,000 single adults, and found that in the last five years, over half of the participants had their friend show up in secret to a date. Additionally, the study found that preparations and pre-date conversations with friends begin around two days before the main event. Some of these rituals include sharing information about their romantic interests (32%), looking their date up on social media (30%), and asking for date location recommendations and advice on the first-date outfit from friends.
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What Damona sees from all this data is that people are bringing their friends into the conversation of dating more. This totally correlates with the shift in popularity towards dating apps, because when you can take your app out into the world with you, dating becomes a more social activity – you can take your dating profiles to your friends on the go. Damona adds that our friends can be great resources for getting ourselves into the right mindset for a date.
But what isn’t helpful to you, is the idea that having a friend on the date is going to make you feel more comfortable, and therefore perform better. Your friend is not going to be in your relationship every step of the way, so better to see what the relationship dynamic is going to be like when it is just you and your date alone. And when we are tasked with navigating relationship dynamics on our own, we are given the chance to dig deeper and find confidence and clarity ourselves, because that is really the key to unlocking meaningful connections.
Have your friend stay home this time, and let Damona be your confidant! The Profile Starter Kit will give you the best tips to revamp your profile, and get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
SHAUN GALANOS (6:31)
Damona sits down with Shaun Galanos, love coach and host of The Love Drive podcast. Shaun holds certifications in Personal and Professional Coaching, and has created online courses on healthy communication, emotional availability, flirting, and more.
Shaun has worked with Good Morning America, The Today Show, The Good Men Project, and Real Love Ready. Years before making a career in love, people would bring their messy relationship issues to Shaun because he knew how to listen without judgment. Today, he is teaching intimacy and communication tools that will help people get the kind of love they deserve.
(8:49) What I wish I had known:
If you are familiar with Shaun’s content around dating and relationships, you know that he has built a following based on offering and encouraging radical honesty to his followers. “I think we’re just used to making things really complicated and having to play games and guessing what people want, and being coy and all that stuff. And my approach is really like, let’s just not do any of that because no one is playing by the same rules. We never had any formalized standardized dating, relationship education. So everyone’s playing by a different set of rules.”
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One of Shaun’s other philosophies around offering dating advice is thinking about the things he wishes he’d known about when he was younger, one of which seems to be a touchy subject. “I wish I had known that I could be honest about wanting sex. I thought to myself, like why is this so complicated? Why do I have to disguise the fact that I’m a sexual being and want to have sex? And what if I just told people what I wanted and then let them figure out if that’s also what they wanted? … And that even extends to like, hey, I want more commitment. I want to have a family. I want to do all these things. Why can’t we just say that?”
Shaun believes that direct communication is always the answer, and that our expectations for a relationship are really our unspoken needs and desires. So the more we are voicing what we really want from our partner, the more we are saving ourselves from future resentment (not to mention saving ourselves from confusion).
(11:49) Missed communications:
As much as we’d hope for it, sometimes communication in a relationship isn’t as straightforward as Shaun describes. Particularly if you are dating or with someone who isn’t keen on verbal communication, you may have to look for the ways in which they are signaling where their head is at. For instance, Damona’s husband is not a huge verbal communicator. But Damona states that she focuses on observation, and looks out for small changes in his behavior. And after noticing these changes, she is able to open the gateway to communication by taking the first step and asking, “is there anything you want to talk about?”
Shaun backs up Damona’s point on observing your partner’s behaviors, and creating communication through curiosity (particularly if someone is stonewalling you or averting the subject). And although honesty with your partner can be scary, it can simultaneously become a safe space if you practice.
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If you are scared of cultivating open communication with your partner, Shaun recommends diving into that fear. “The fear is that we’re not going to get the answer that we want. So, okay, what is the worst case scenario here? Are they going to run? If they do leave the relationship completely, then maybe that’s not the kind of person that you’re going to be building a long term fulfilling relationship with anyways. If just a conversation about a relationship makes them run away, then they were going to run at some point.” Try to reframe this rejection, or the possibility of rejection, as liberating. If someone rejects you, it just means you have gained more clarity in the kind of partner you want, and are one step closer to getting there.
(17:27) ‘I’m just a safe, magical internet person’:
Because of how candid Shaun’s advice is, he is often asked a lot of questions revolving around intimacy and sexuality. He reports that these questions tend to fall into two different groups: “I’ve done a few Q&As that were sex focused, and I think I could split them up into two categories – How do I ask for this thing that I want? More kink, more presence in the bedroom, longer foreplay… The other ones are, is this okay? Is it okay that I fantasize about my ex? Do guys care about X, Y, and Z?” Shaun notes that because he’s a “safe, magical internet person,” people feel more at ease to ask him these kinds of questions without judgment.
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Coming in hot with the OkCupid data, Damona mentions that recent stats show how liberal sexuality and freedom with kink is on the rise. According to OkCupid users, there’s been a 55% increase in the last year of users saying that they’re kinky or into BDSM. And mentions of this in female users profiles is up 17%. So if there was any time to feel safe exploring or asking questions about kink, it’s now.
(20:39) Everyone’s in too much of a hurry:
Shaun brings up having had a 15-year long affair with OkCupid, since it was the first online dating platform he ever used. In particular Shaun liked the long-form format of the profiles, and that in its early days, OkCupid actually felt more like a forum than a dating site. But since then, the profile format has shifted to condensing the information in people’s profiles more. To Shaun’s point, Damona believes that the shift into dating apps has affected the speed of dating the most – we have access to so many other people looking for love, that it should be easier to make a connection, but we’re in such a hurry to get to the result.
Shaun chimes in, “There is this concept of choice paralysis that really comes into play with online dating, especially if you live in a metropolis, where there does seem to be a seemingly endless supply of people. And what happens is that the person that’s in front of you is never good enough, because there is the promise of something better right around the corner, right? So you never just sort of settle for good enough.”
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As an optimizer himself, Shaun says this mindset will also push us towards seeking perfection in our partner (which, say it with me, doesn’t exist). “You might be on a date with a really great person that is a little weird in some way, that you start thinking, ‘Well, what if I could find this, but a little bit better.’ And then you might just end up sort of forever looking for that better option… I think people feel that they are running out of time, and that they’re in a rush… And so that puts an artificial pressure on these dates to ‘wow’ each other after the second date.”
(24:34) Those darn gender roles:
Damona inquires as to Shaun’s thoughts on gender roles, since many of the questions he gets have to do with “who does what” in a relationship. “I don’t know, it just Feels like we’re going back in time in a lot of different ways. Why are we still having conversations about whether women can have abortions? You know, why are we having conversations about the fact that there’s only two genders? What I can say is that there seems to be some folks that are really focused on this male/female, feminine/masculine polarity thing, which I don’t really understand… I just don’t think you need to ‘lean into your femininity’ and ‘take a step back’ and ’let him lead’ so that you can have this harmonious connection or partnership.”
Damona asks Shaun if he has any advice for women who have been told that they’re too aggressive, too outspoken or strong. “I think it comes down to – am I too intimidating, or are they just intimidated? So I don’t think any woman needs to tone it down for the comfort of others, especially men… There are people that are going to be able to handle you and your strength, and even match you or give you room.”
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(27:25) Meeting your needs:
Damona asks Shaun one last question – how do you identify your needs in a relationship so that you can get your needs met? “You know, needs are interesting, because a lot of times people are scared of being labeled as too needy. I think the reality is that humans are needy…. Love, connection, friendship, sexuality, to be seen, to be held, these are all sort of basic needs. And one way to identify that is [to ask yourself], what aren’t you getting in your life? Where do you find some sort of area of lack where maybe your partner can meet that need? So there’s a lot of ways of getting those needs met.”
Be sure to follow Shaun on Instagram and TikTok @thelovedrive.
Shaun’s 12-week training intensive, The Love Collective, begins June 7th (‘not a cult’ he says). Check out more info HERE.
DEAR DAMONA (30:32)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Rejection Reframe & Good Moms, Bad Choices
Disclaimer – this is going to be another spicy episode. We marked it explicit for a reason, but you’ll find out why in a moment…
We all know that the old “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage” narrative gets shoved down our throats from a young age. But life doesn’t always work out this way – and that’s the beauty of it all. Life is unpredictable, and we can redefine these relationship timelines to suit our needs, no matter what order we proceed in.
That’s why Erica and Milah, hosts of the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast, are here to talk about their experiences navigating dating as single parents.
DATING DISH (1:51)
Are you really being sexually rejected… or is it all in your head?:
Mel Magazine came out with an article last week all about rejection… and how couples see rejection that isn’t there. A new study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found evidence that in established relationships, a lot of partners take sexual rejection way harder than they should when their partners may just not be the mood.
In this particular study, researchers focused on 200 heterosexual couples who had been together for at least two years. They had the couples keep individual diaries for 28 days, logging the degree of sexual interest or disinterest in their partners, and then rating their overall relationship satisfaction. In another part of the study, couples who were cohabitating also maintained diaries for 28 days about their experiences with sexual rejection. And when they felt rejected, participants were asked to describe what happened including the degree to which they felt rejected.
The results? After analyzing all the diary entries, men were found to be better at detecting rejection, whereas women were better at recognizing when they weren’t being rejected.
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When we have a tendency to take this rejection personally, it can be detrimental to our relationships – you get shut down, then you internalize the rejection as being something more than it is, and finally, you just stop trying. But rather than giving up on your relationship, use this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Damona says that if you’re not relating to your intimate partner in an intimate way, it’s time to take a deeper look. There’s something underneath all that that needs to be examined (whether you’re not expressing your needs clearly, your partner has a low libido, or maybe they’re depressed or exhausted).
Damona points out how we also use rejection as a way to support the narratives we put ourselves in. “If you have this belief in your mind that your partner’s rejecting you or that you’re always rejected by women when you approach them, and that is the narrative that you are looking to confirm, you will continue to see these experiences as confirmation [of those stories]. That’s our confirmation bias.”
All in all, Damona believes we should try to reframe those moments of the rejection and the feelings that come up with them as a breakdown in communication, not as a refusal. And look at it this way – when you have a breakdown in communication, you then have an opportunity to look at the situation from a new perspective, to find new tools, to find new language, and to find another way to connect.
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Had enough rejection? Let Damona help you redesign your dating profile with the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
ERICA AND MILAH (10:26)
Erica and Milah are the hosts of the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast. Uncensored and outspoken, they are redefining what modern motherhood looks like and breaking life’s archaic stereotypes.
They are currently in the process of writing their book, “A Good Mom’s Guide to Making Bad Choices”. And they recently launched The Good Vibe Retreat – a 6 day retreat in Costa Rica which allows women to tap into their feminine energy and learn to manifest life’s greatest visions.
(12:04) Talking to the kiddies:
With Erica and Milah being so open to taboo subjects, Damona asks the moms how much they think their daughters are privy to. Although both their kids aren’t exactly thinking about the technicalities of birds and the bees yet, Erica says the sex talk isn’t something she’s afraid of. “I’m excited for it. Like, I don’t shy away from it. Because I think when I was growing up, it was something that was really not talked about much. Only when certain things happened, like when my period started and then I was told I could have babies. And so for me, it’s just an ongoing conversation.”
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Damona gives a glimpse into this dynamic with her own kids, and something she’s coined as The 8:30 Rule. “At 8:30 my door gets closed, and the kids do not come in. And usually [my husband and I are] just watching Netflix or whatever. But I might want to Netflix and chill, I don’t know, I’m a married lady. But she will always knock on the door.”
Erica then poses the question – would you rather your daughter’s first experience be to hear strangers having sex, or would you rather it be you and your partner? In a way, is it better if it’s you? Milah comes out swinging with her answer – “No, I think it’s gonna scar them for fucking life. Like, I think we’re talking about it with your mom or your parents makes it less weird when it does happen. But I’m just thinking… hearing people have sex really bothers me sometimes. Like, I’ve heard my friends have sex in the other room and it bothers me. And I’m thinking, is it because maybe I heard my parents have sex at a young age or some shit? But I’m like, ‘what is wrong with you that you’re so triggered, you sex positive lady?’”
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(16:27) The non-existent sex talk:
Much of Milah and Erica’s gravitation towards radically honest conversations stems from their experiences growing up, where talking about sex and consent and pleasure was nearly nonexistent. Erica recalls being extremely curious about sex as a child, while also feeling extremely unprepared to explore that curiousity. “I was asking teenagers and 12 year olds about sex, whose parents also weren’t talking about sex. We were all learning from TV and hearsay… So we were learning from other kids, basically. I wish that I would have known a lot more things… Like, I didn’t need to talk about everything with my parents, but there needed to be more conversation around sex and consent. And to really have autonomy over my body, and realize that, like, my pleasure is the top priority and it’s not about boys.”
Erica points out how when young girls first learn about sex, it’s interpreted as such a male-centric experience. We learn from the get-go that those intimate experiences are not about us. But in terms of approaching their own children with the sex talk, Erica concludes that “you have to do what’s good for you. Like, what’s good for me isn’t good for you, or may feel really uncomfortable for you. You also have to know who your child is. Different kids have different needs, but I think honesty through and through is always like the best policy.”
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(18:23) Dating as a single mom:
Damona describes feeling very desexualized when she became a mom. “It took me a long time to feel comfortable in my body again, once I had kids. It’s probably something I still struggle with a little bit now.” So, she asks, was it difficult for Milah and Erica to rekindle their relationships with their sexuality? “I think for sure we can all, as mothers, relate to that strange aftermath of giving birth and feeling so foreign in your skin. And yeah, being of service to everyone else and just being a machine, not a human being,” Milah begins. “I was also in a relationship that really wasn’t the relationship for me, which also makes you feel alienated. And I was going through an experience alone that none of my friends had experienced yet… It took me a long time to come to terms with that. And in fact, it took me just getting completely comfortable with that being the case… so I think I deliberately, really tried hard to get out of that space by going out, by being sexy, by putting on makeup when I didn’t feel like it. Like that was a big step for me, and even bigger was leaving that relationship that also didn’t make me really feel like myself… So it was just a series of conscious decisions to get back in my body.”
Damona wonders how having kids with a previous partner may affect a woman’s ability to move on, and feel free of all the “stuff” that came with that previous relationship. Erica chimes in: “When you have a child with someone, you are connected to them. It’s this weird, unconditional attachment you have until, I don’t know, there is a severing that has to happen. But I think dating helps. I think hopefully there’s forgiveness, hopefully you have someone who you can have closure with in that way. But I think it’s different for everyone…” Erica recounts having her own defining moment, much like how Stella got her groove back. “When my relationship ended, I joined Tinder. And I remember the first date I went on, and he was kind of a nerd. And I was kind of a nerd. You know, I was just like, how the fuck do you do this? And then it was kind of fun! Like, I can really have access to so many different types of people so quickly. And for me, I needed to go on a date with someone that was going to validate me, period. That’s what I needed, and I got that.”
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For Erica, it was also really important to stop suppressing her own needs and the things she wanted to explore – one of which was being intimate with another couple. “I’d never been able to do that because I’d been in a relationship for so long… [The experience] actually gave me exactly what I needed at that time. For me, in my relationship, there was a lot of distrust, there was a lot of poor communication. And seeing how [this couple] communicated and the trust that they had for one another, restored my faith in relationships. And just the fact that I could see them be so vulnerable and so honest with one another, and share with one another. Like, that really was transformational for me. Especially coming out of a relationship and still choosing to be single, I was like, ‘Okay, I’m gonna wait until I find something that feels like this.’”
(28:27) State of the Union:
So what is the current state of the union in Erica and Milah’s love lives? Erica starts, “What I’m ready to receive is someone that I can just be myself with, and that I can have that really authentic and radical honesty with. Someone who is nurturing to my daughter, who wants to invest time into her and wants to enrich her life and take an active role in her life… and someone I can just have fun with, because I’m fucking fun.” Erica adds how she’s gone through so many phases of wanting a relationship, then wanting casual sex, then wanting to focus on work, and etc. But now is the time when she’d like to take on balancing her work and love lives.
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Milah describes her current relationship status with her lover/friend/non-monogamous partner. “We are really good friends, we are really honest with each other… I’ve realized it has really been difficult because I’m triggered a lot. But I’ve also realized, like, I’ve been triggered a lot in a lot of relationships. And I would rather be on the same page as my person and be honest, and they receive it and vice versa. It’s been difficult to navigate. But overall, I feel like it’s been really rewarding. And I’m learning a lot of lessons about myself through the process.”
Be sure to check out the Good Moms, Bad Choices podcast wherever you like to listen. Plus, you can follow Erica and Milah on Instagram @watcherica & @milah_mapp, and the podcast @goodmoms_badchoices.
If you want to join Erica and Milah on their amazing retreat this summer, all the info can be found here.
DEAR DAMONA (32:30)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Conflict Resolution & Second Date Wait
No matter how amazing any relationship is, there will always be conflict. It’s inevitable. As humans we are going to have differences of opinions, emotions, or beliefs at least occasionally. In the end, it’s how you navigate through the tough times that will ultimately determine the longevity of your relationship.
That’s why Jayson Gaddis, relationship teacher and the host of The Relationship School podcast, is here to share his methods for navigating conflict in dating and relationships.
DATING DISH (1:25)
Will those viral ‘36 questions’ actually lead to love?:
After having been around for years, an article from The Conversation is bringing the 36 Questions of Love back on our radars for discussion. If the 36 Questions don’t ring a bell for you, let us give you a little backstory. These 36 Questions of Love were first published in 1997 as part of scientific research into relationships. But you might actually recognize them from the 2015 New York Times essay written by Mandy Lynn Khatron, To Fall In Love With Anyone, Do This. Originally, there was a researcher named Arthur Aaron who, along with his colleagues, had a group of strangers ask each other a series of questions that became progressively more intimate in context. According to the study’s results, they found that through the gradual increase in disclosure between strangers, they also increased in closeness. And following the study, there were participants who actually fell in love and kept the friendships they’d made. Fast forward to 2015, the NYT essay then asked – if we applied these questions to people looking to fall in love, what would happen? If you ask a stranger these 36 questions, would you know enough about this person to actually fall in love with them?
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So what are some examples of the 36 questions? The questions are actually structured into 2 sets which increase in intensity. Set #1 has questions like “what do you feel most grateful for in your life?” Set #2 includes ones like “what’s your most treasured memory?” And Set #3 ends with the hard hitters, like “when did you last cry in front of another person?”
According to The Conversation, the 36 questions don’t lead to love and were never intended to lead to love. But what they DO do, is they help us figure out what is really important to disclose in a relationship. Damona summarizes that you can develop intimacy with a person more quickly through the kinds of questions that you ask. And hopefully, she says, you will not be afraid when you are on a date to get to the heart of what the other person’s values, beliefs, and goals for the future are. “We tend to stay away from conflict when we’re in a new relationship. But it’s so revealing. It can really teach you how you communicate, and it can show you how to be a better listener and to be more authentic in the relationship.” And most of all, as good as it is to be open and vulnerable when getting to know someone, remember that your information needs to be earned.
(P.S. If you want a real blast from the past, check out this show Damona hosted in 2017 called A Question of Love, where the contestants asked similar questions as the 36 Questions of Love to quickly figure out if they were compatible with their partner.)
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Ready to test your compatibility and find your match? Let Damona help you redesign your dating profile with the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
JAYSON GADDIS (10:41)
Jayson Gaddis is an author, podcaster, speaker and “personal trainer for relationships”.
Jayson started off as a Licensed Professional Counselor with a private practice, and since then he has founded The Relationship School – a company dedicated to helping people work out their differences to improve their relationships.
Today he hosts The Relationship School podcast where he teaches people how to build street-level relationship skills. His book “Getting to Zero: How to Work Through Conflict in Your High Stakes Relationships” is out now!
(11:26) Getting down to zero:
Since his book completely revolves around the different types of conflict, Damona asks Jayson for his definition of conflict. According to Jayson, conflict = a rupture, a disconnection, or an unresolved issue between two people. His book, Getting to Zero, is targeted toward high stakes relationships, which include family partnerships, business partnerships, every relationship where we have a lot to lose if we can’t resolve the conflict. And the way that we resolve conflict is what Jayson calls “getting to zero.” He evaluates our triggers based on a 1-10 scale, and the further we are from zero, the more activated we are in our nervous system. Meaning, the more we tend to act out and react in ways that aren’t helpful for resolving conflict. “And it’s through that process of getting to zero getting back to a good place, over and over, that builds security in long term relationships.”
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Damona wonders what happens when you are consistently at a 9 on the trigger scale at work, and how this can impact our relationships at home. Because let’s face it – we’re all pretty stressed out these days. “If we’re in a good place [with our partner], then no problem. Our partner can help resource us and they can be a safe place for us to vent and get support. But some of us go home to a shitty, crunchy relationship, and then we’re dealing with even more stress… So many of us are living with a lot of chronic, low grade stress, we don’t even notice the water we’re swimming in. Some of us even grew up in households that were at a 4. And that was considered zero. But it’s not good for us. Again, it creates long term health problems, if we’re living in that chronic environment all the time.”
(15:37) Addicted to the drama:
Damona mentions that people can become addicted to the drama of a relationship. So much so, that finally moving into something more secure feels boring, or like there’s something wrong with the relationship. Jayson adds that growing up in hostile or intense environments can add to that level of addiction, because it messes with your hormone release – messy ends up feeling familiar and safe. Jayson recalls working with a client with the same issue, and having to really ask the client to become comfortable with himself, and become more accustomed to his own fears and discomforts. “I was like, ‘Look, do you want a relationship where you have to leave yourself behind in that volatility, to protect yourself? Or would you rather have a relationship where you get to keep yourself, but you might lose the relationship?’ So we’re helping him deepen and enhance his relationship with himself, so that it kind of weeds out the people that try to seduce him into this up and down thing.”
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() The 5 most common fights:
In his book, Jayson outlines the five most common types of fights people have. The five are: surface fights, value difference fights, projection fights, resentment fights, and security fights. Surface fights revolve around the little things (i.e. not washing the dishes, leaving dirty clothes on the floor), but are never really about the little things. Surface fights almost always lead into one of the other four types of fights.
A value difference fight is a dealbreaker for some people. Those are the types of agreements such as being pro-vaccine and someone else is anti-vaccine, wanting kids or not, moving to the east coast or west coast – these are very large value differences that are pretty hard to work out. “If we don’t know how to accept each other’s values and work with them in a relationship, we’re going to want the other person to come over to our values. And that alone creates a lot of fighting, tension, and feeling judged and criticized.” Jayson also highlights a value difference that is not commonly talked about, which is being willing to work through conflict. If there is a relationship in which one person wants to go to couples therapy and grow and develop, and the other person believes that there’s nothing to fix, that will create problems. You can’t get to zero with someone who doesn’t want to learn how. Damona adds that being clear on your own values is extremely important, because not knowing just contributes to the conflict and lack of clarity on how to resolve the issue.
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Next you have projection fights, which revolve around childhood projections. We tend to find ourselves with people in a long term relationship that remind us of our family of origin, usually our parents or caregivers. And we then project onto them, which will often trigger us. These kinds of fights can be particularly difficult if you don’t realize that you are actively projecting.
Fourth are resentment fights. This is where one partner tries to get the other to change themselves in some way. “If I don’t conform when you want me to change, you’ll resent me. If I do conform when you want me to change, I’ll resent you.” And lastly, you have security fights. According to Jayson’s book, “if any of your four relational needs – feeling safe, feeling seen, feeling soothed, and feeling supported and challenged – is unstable in any way, it will impact your sense of security, and every surface conflict will be more intense because of the unresolved security issue.”
(24:17) Tools for defusing conflict:
When in the middle of conflict, Jayson has a couple of acronyms he shares in his book that will help you move towards resolution. The first is called LUFU, which Jayson describes as being a commitment to listen to the other person until they feel understood – Listen Until you Feel Understood. “In that process there’s eight steps. But the three that matter most to me are I want to take responsibility for anything I did in the listening process. I want to not defend myself, I’m gonna say ‘Yeah, got it, I did that thing.’ So I take ownership. And then I want to empathize. I imagine the impact on you, and it makes sense. That’s the validation part. The last step, ‘it makes sense’ – three words. That’s the easiest way to validate someone. ‘That makes sense that you feel that way, that you feel hurt, that you felt scared, and that you’re upset now.’ I continue to stay in my listening seat until you feel like I’m understanding you. And then eventually, you’re hopefully also going to be generous with me, and you’ll listen to what happened for me.”
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Also in Jayson’s repertoire is the acronym SHORE – Speak Honestly and Openly in order to Repair Effectively. “If you take responsibility for what you did or didn’t do, that alone is going to help the other person’s nervous system chill out big time. And a lot of us don’t do that. We speak, we lead with what the other person did wrong, and how we’re right, and how they made us feel. I think it’s just more efficient to lead with, ‘are you open to having a conversation? I just want to say I messed up there. Yep, I did that thing again that really upsets you, and it makes sense you’re upset. I just want to know how you feel.’”
But as many tools as we may acquire, the one thing to have above all is a willingness to be a team player, to make sacrifices, and collaborate with your partner.
(31:14) But what if I can’t get to zero?:
Getting to zero and working through conflict typically requires two people to work together – but what if only one of you is willing to work at it? Jayson states that family is an easy place to identify those kinds of relationships, where certain members may be particularly closed minded or unable to see their own role in a conflict, not to mention where value differences come into play. But luckily, Jayson maintains that you can get to zero on your own (there’s a whole chapter dedicated to this in his book). And sometimes you have to, because the other person will never come to the table. “I don’t want to stay angry at this person my entire life. I just don’t, it’s energy draining. So how can I get to either gratitude or appreciation, or just appreciating myself at the very least, and sort of letting go of that relationship forever?”
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You can follow Jayson on Instagram @jaysongaddis, and you can learn more about his school at relationshipschool.com. Plus, be sure to check out his podcast by the same name – The Relationship School.
If you liked what Jayson had to say, check out his book, Getting to Zero, HERE!
DEAR DAMONA (35:32)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Vulnerability & The Sleepover Talk
Warning! This episode uses more colorful language than usual. So if your kids are nearby, make sure to avert their eyes from the screen…
Damona is a big believer that vulnerability is the key to true connection. But as we know, at times it can be difficult to let others in and to know when to give a f*ck about what they say. (A swear word in the intro?? Oh yeah, you better believe it’s that kind of episode.)
This week, Damona is chatting with behavior scientist and lifestyle design coach Gianna Biscontini, the author of the new book F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms. They’ll be discussing how vulnerability can lead to emotional depth and better opportunities for connection.
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DATING DISH (2:00)
Scientifically speaking, what does it actually mean to click with someone?:
Inc Magazine recently came out with an article tackling the science behind the feeling of “clicking” with someone. The article uses a new study published in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, in which researchers out of Dartmouth, used 322 conversations between strangers to get a sense of how participants rated their level of connection with each other (i.e. how much they clicked). The researchers made a point to pay attention to the gaps between responses in the conversation. And after all their observation, a clear pattern emerged – the quicker the response times during the conversation, the more the two parties reported feeling like they clicked.
The researchers also looked at the conversations from an outsider’s perspective. They edited the videos to make it look as though there were shorter response times between participants. As a result of the editing, the observers actually rated the conversational partners as being more closely connected.
On average, there’s about a quarter of a second gap between turns during a regular conversation. But when people felt like they were finishing each other’s sentences and really clicking, they closed that gap. So basically, clicking with someone comes down to how much the conversation flows without long pauses or awkward brakes.
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Although this article gives us a window into how we naturally think, Damona highlights two of the key flirting tools she teaches clients that actually involve slowing the pace of the conversation down. “Whether or not you can close that quarter of a second gap in a conversation does not actually relate to long term compatibility. So I’ve actually encouraged you on the show before to take more time to allow more of the pauses, and not be in such a rush to fill the pause.”
Damona recommends seeing what happens if you allow the pause to happen, which also takes the pressure off of yourself to be witty, charming and quick with your answers. The second tip Damona gives is to pay attention to that person’s speaking pattern. “One thing that happens when you’re connecting with someone, when you’re really actually connecting with someone, is you start to naturally mimic their body language, their intonation, their inflection, their pacing.” She continues that attempting to speed up the natural flow of conversation could actually signal to the other person that you’re not on the same page as them. Instead, try to match their pacing rather than trying to change it for the both of you. Prioritize the full body context of the other person, not just how quick and witty they are. Because if we continue to search for for that witty or rapid delivery, we may end up missing that juicy, deeper level connection.
Ready to click with your person? Let Damona help you redesign your dating profile with the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
GIANNA BISCONTINI (9:04)
Damona sits down with lifestyle design coach and Board-Certified Behavior Analyst Gianna Biscontini! She is the author of F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms – which will be released on May 17th!
Gianna has been featured in publications such as Forbes Magazine, and she has a roster of A-list clients including Christina Schwarzenegger and Simon Sinek (you know, the Start With Why guy).
(9:04) Choose what you care about:
Jumping right into her book title, Damona asks Gianna – what does it really mean to be f***less? Gianna responds that it’s not whether you care or not (i.e. whether you give a f***), it’s what you care about. “F***s are our opinions, beliefs, expectations, fears, or advice from other people that don’t belong to you. All of us carry some level of other people’s bullshit, whether it’s from our parents who love us very much, whether it’s from a professor who was working out some anger through us, society, the entertainment industry, whatever. We’re given these messages, and we take them on as if they are true for us. And then you hit your 20’s, your 30’s, your 40’s, your 50;s. And you go, ‘Oh shit, that’s actually not true for me.’”
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Damona brings up the point that although it can be overwhelming nowadays (especially for women) to be told what we’re supposed to care about, there also exists the reality that we’re in a much broader place of choice than many of our ancestors. So there really is a responsibility to be mindful of choosing what you care about. Gianna recounts times in her life where she had no choice but to stay in an unhappy relationship because she couldn’t afford to live on her own. And that the reality of women who are financially independent is quite different, because their choices are led by their wants, not their needs.
“In the book, I ask questions like – Is this a good time for you to be in a relationship? What are the stories that you’ve been told as a woman about being in a relationship? What do you think being in a relationship and having a partner will do for you? What might it hold you back from? …I think that with some thoughtful inquiry, we can tease apart the needs from the wants, and the stories that are just f***s that aren’t true for us, and the things that we truly believe in.”
(13:40) Being chosen:
At times we may silence ourselves and our opinions because we want to ensure the happiness and comfort of those around us by avoiding confrontation and anger. Damona says that most of us would rather be liked and be likeable (which may not even be conscious). Gianna describes how this applies to one of the “f***s” she addresses in her book, called “be chosen.” Gianna grew up constantly envying the endless freedom bestowed upon boys. To her observation, they got to make mistakes and sleep around, while girls’ lives tended to orbit around them. “Men do the choosing and women are chosen, and so we have to just really be mindful about these stories and understand that we have the power to change them.”
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In terms of dating, Gianna notes how much she used to base her decisions on the approval of men. For instance, she would hold back on going on larger adventures on her own because she wanted her life choices to be compatible with whoever she might date in the future. She says she was doing two things wrong. “Number one, I was making the wild assumption that there would be someone in the future to begin with. And number two, I was already orbiting around someone in my future that didn’t even exist.”
After choosing to leave her marriage, Gianna spent the whole of 2020 and 2021 committed to being single and following that experience (which ended up being really easy, thanks to the global pandemmy). “Dating is all about choosing and not choosing, and getting to know each other. And sometimes you date for a couple of weeks and you say, ‘No, I’m good. This isn’t for me.’ And sometimes you just, you know, Sunk Cost Fallacy. You just keep choosing because you already invested so much time and energy, which is a whole other thing.”
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(19:00) There is no destination to be reached:
Damona reads the quote from Gianna’s website, “Life is not linear. It’s filled with events that require us to restore, calibrate, and head back out into the world with clarity.” Damona describes coming to the recent conclusion in her life that there is no actual destination to be reached because as soon as you get to one destination, another appears or there’s something more to be learned.
Gianna jumps in, “You know, you’re talking about mindfulness. It’s that Buddhist concept of non-attachment. How many times have you said, ‘Okay, here’s the plan. And this is what’s going to happen. And I’m going to control it. And I’m gonna go through steps one through five, and then this will be the result.’ And it alerts something in the universe, and it comes in with a wrecking ball, like ‘Oh, that’s precious that you’re trying to plan when you’re gonna get married.’ … We have to just be in that place of mindfulness, live from within, and be open to the things that are around us.” Being present is all that we can really control, which involves checking in with yourself and asking clarifying questions – who am I? What are my values? How am I serving myself? How am I building and designing this life?
(21:23) What should we give a f*** about?:
Gianna speaks to one of the other f***s in her book, called “be everything.” Just as it describes, this is trying to be everything to everyone all the time, and letting what you want take a backseat. “When we hesitate and when we stall, and when we want something, but reel it back in, that’s a moment where we have to go, ‘Oh, I’m living on someone else’s terms.’ …And so when women start to try and be everything to everyone, the first question is why? Second question, where did that story come from? The real work comes in actually behaving differently and dropping the fact that you have to be liked, that everyone has to pat you on the back and reward you and validate you for everything that you do.”
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Gianna adds that letting go of what others think shouldn’t come from a place of disrespect. She says that we can learn to hear the opinions of others, and give their opinions back with grace by saying “I can see why you want that for me. But that just doesn’t work for me right now.”
(23:25) Reframing success:
Damona is a big fan of dating apps, but she recognizes that they come with many micro choices. She believes that we have to reframe our relationship with the “rejection” that shows up on dating apps. “People will say to me, Gianna, ‘I tried the dating apps. They didn’t work for me. You know, I only went out with somebody for three months and then it didn’t work.’ No, no, it did work. It did work for that time. And it worked until it didn’t.” It’s all about our perception of success.
Gianna brings up a great question, which seems obvious but gets overlooked: are you on dating apps to be validated, or are you looking for a partner? “We have two needs as people. We have the need to show up in the world as our truest, most authentic self. And, we need to do that in a world or a friend group or a family or a society that accepts it, and loves it, because of who we are… You’re curating a group of people. You’re curating friends, you’re curating who you’re dating, and you’re teaching yourself what’s important to you and what you’ll accept. And that takes, unfortunately, a really long time.”
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Look out for Gianna’s book F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedoms, on shelves May 17th – order your copy HERE!
And be sure to follow her on all the socials @giannabiscontini.
DEAR DAMONA (27:36)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
New Mindset & LinkedIn Love
You’ve heard Damona say on the show before that mindset is everything when you begin your dating journey. You have to know who you are and what you’re looking for, and it helps to have mindset tools in place to support and keep you going when things get tough. And we know it gets tough.
That’s why Case Kenny, Instagram sensation (quite literally) and host of the New Mindset, Who Dis? Podcast, is joining Damona today to discuss how his methods of mindfulness will benefit you in dating and relationships.
DATING DISH (1:50)
Are you looking for love in all the wrong places?
According to the latest in Insider Magazine, people are using Tinder not to find love… but to sell insurance policies. This article tells the story of a guy who matched with a gal on Tinder, they went out for coffee. He thought that sparks were flying, but then she started pulling out all of these insurance packets and proceeded to try and sell him an insurance policy!! She was literally just using Tinder as a way to get clients. The experts in the article suggest that this is due to the “blurred nature of the online world” (although Tinder has been pretty clear that promotion or solicitation is a violation of their community guidelines).
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On the flip side, while people are using Tinder to reel in customers, others have been using LinkedIn to find dates. There are a lot of people on the site who have blogged about finding their significant other through the platform, despite being a professional networking site. But putting all the community guidelines aside, this behavioral trend begs the question – why do we try to control the platforms that we’re on? Speaking to the blurred nature of the online world, once a platform is created, it kind of takes on its own identity and its own nature of possibility. The reality of all of these platforms, whether it’s Twitter or Tik Tok or LinkedIn, is that they’re actually created for connection. Just because a platform is created with a certain purpose, doesn’t mean that that is the meaning it will take on later down the road.
Damona adds, “When we look at it in the offline world, it’s actually kind of ridiculous. Like, you don’t say, “I intended to meet someone in a bar. So I can’t go to a bar unless I’m there to hook up or to date or to meet someone. We don’t do that offline. Why are we doing this online?” So given how fluid online forums will continue to be, the more we can stay open to possibility and stay present, the sky’s the limit on the connections and the conversations that you’re able to create.
Not ready to try dating on LinkedIn? Let Damona help you redesign your dating profile with the Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free HERE!
CASE KENNY (6:45)
Damona is bringing us an interview with Case Kenny, Instagram sensation and host of the New Mindset, Who Dis? Podcast.
Case is also the Founder and Editor-in-Chief of PRSUIT.com – “a quirky, no BS mindfulness email that feeds your soul.”
(7:42) A love for mindfulness:
Although Case is often asked to talk about relationships and give relationship advice, he hasn’t quite gotten used to it yet. He shares how this was not by design, since he originally started his podcast as a means to share his love for mindfulness and how to take an optimistic, self-aware approach to life. “For a long time, I never touched relationships because I thought, ‘Who am I to give relationship advice? I’m a single guy in my 30s.’ But you know, more and more I talk to people and they’ve said, the area of life where we need mindfulness most is relationships. So I started to give my thoughts, not my advice. Not ‘here’s what’s right’ and ‘here’s what’s wrong’. But just my thoughts on exactly what you said, what can you take from dating experiences that aren’t necessarily great? And I started to do that, and I just realized that there was a lot of power in it.”
(9:28) Not afraid of a good cliché:
One of the things Case is most notable for are his extremely relatable and shareable Instagram posts, in which he holds up mindfulness quotes against urban or cityscape backgrounds. (An example of one of his recent quotes is “sometimes the only closure you need is deciding you are worthy of mutual effort and respect.”)
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So where does Case get the inspo for his content? He states that the majority of what he posts are obvious truths, but that our life experiences can sometimes cause us to forget these truths. “I think a lot of times we confuse ourselves, we overthink. Life beats us up to the point where we no longer believe these things that at some point were fundamental to us. Namely, you don’t chase people who aren’t interested in you, you can’t force someone to love you. Y’know, you shouldn’t ever want to do these things. But I think life, you know, adds up over time, and we forget these things. So I am not afraid of a good cliche, I’m not afraid of stating the obvious, because I think it’s my mission in life to remind people of the things that we know…”
Case mentions that another part of his inspiration, which he also describes as one of his favorite pastimes, is asking older generations what they regret in life. “It’s like a weird, seemingly downer thing to do. But I’ve learned so much from observation and deep thinking, I spend all day every day thinking about these topics.” Damona adds that she often asks her clients to find a relationship role model for themselves. Because you might not have come from a family where healthy relationship dynamics were modeled for you, but that doesn’t mean you can’t gain that knowledge, insight and wisdom through the people you interact with.
(13:02) Be more you-specific:
And when you’re someone who gives relationship advice, you know that you’re going to be asked about relationship red flags. As Case details, the reason talking about red flags is so popular is because, as humans, we gravitate towards absolute truths (although life isn’t always this straightforward). Case recently did an episode on his podcast about red flags, and actually spoke about the red flags his younger self had been putting out while dating. And the biggest one for him was lack of clarity – dating without a reason to date. He adds that this is actually a hurdle that is pretty rampant in today’s dating climate as well (makes a lot of sense, since ‘situationship’ is now practically a colloquialism).
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Case then speaks about the book he wrote that tackles this issue: “I wrote a book called Single Is Your Superpower, and Chapter One was to sit down and ask yourself, why are you dating? And most people were like, ‘What do you mean? Of course, you’re supposed to date, you’re not supposed to be alone. I want to start a family. I want to leave a legacy.’ Very like biological, societal things. And I think those are fine answers. But I think we need more intentional specific-to-you answers… I don’t think it’s an over standard to say I expect someone else to know why they’re dating.”
Damona asks Case to speak a little more about why he himself used to back away from partners who expressed clarity with him. “I’d say two quick things. One, that was a reflection of my lack of maturity, for sure. Like not knowing what I wanted, but continuing to date without knowing that and then being scared off by someone who knows what they want. That’s immaturity… But I think a bigger part of that is lack of awareness around conditioning, lack of awareness around things like attachment styles.” Case ends with the biggest revelation he had being that in dating, there is always going to be some amount of discomfort. And that can show up in different ways – discomfort from being single for a long time, discomfort from having a routine to bringing someone into your life, etc. A lot of people see that discomfort as a sign to back up, but everyone feels that discomfort. “I think any great, rewarding compatible relationship requires that both people challenge the discomfort and engage in the discomfort rather than seeing discomfort as a sign to back up.”
(18:14) Patterns are only patterns:
Damona brings up one of Case’s favorite bites of knowledge, which is “patterns are only patterns until they stop becoming patterns.” Case explains how he believes “the greatest things are on the other side of tremendous friction and frustration, and discomfort and lessons learned. And if we understand that, then hopefully we can empower ourselves to see the ups and downs – and the downs, and the downs – in a way that empowers us rather than pulls us back.” So instead of being a victim to your circumstances (which then may lead to patterns that you get stuck in), ask yourself how you can flip negative observations and experiences into things that empower you rather than lower your standards. Case notes that it’s very tempting to come back to negative assumptions about ourselves, and when we look for the lessons in our negative experiences, we are able to break out of our negative cycles and take our power back.
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(20:18) Sitting with discomfort:
Speaking of taking our power back, Damona once again brings up the idea of discomfort and how it’s such a necessary feeling, because it is the feeling of change happening. Damona then inquires if Case has any exercises on hand for getting more comfortable with discomfort. In the context of dating, Case says “the question is, is this person capable of loving me? Like, that’s always the question… It’s like one thing to go on a couple dates and be like, this is great. But like, is this capable of turning into something real? You look at it through the lens of, is this person willing to embrace the discomfort that’s going to come? Or are they going to back up from that discomfort?” On the flip side, negotiating discomfort in dating isn’t always an issue with the other person. You may then have to ask yourself, am I willing to embrace discomfort to know what I have to do? And more immediately, you may ask yourself, am I willing to embrace the discomfort of stating my intention on day one? Am I willing to embrace the discomfort from what could be rejection, judgment, maybe a weird look? If you can ask yourself these questions and work towards being more comfortable with discomfort, then you unlock a whole new realm of possibilities.
(22:47) Fact or Feeling:
In another recent episode of his podcast, Case tackles the idea of honoring your feelings, but not trusting them. Now what does that mean, exactly? Basically, it’s recognizing and remembering that your feelings are not facts. We can acknowledge the things we tell ourselves or the negative thoughts that come up without fully putting our faith in them. “It’s the ultimate balancing act, right? Like your feelings are your greatest friend, but also can be your greatest enemy. Like, your intuition is so powerful.”
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So how do we know when to trust our emotions or intuition? Case gives Damona an exercise he likes to use called Facts or Feelings. “What I think is really helpful is to establish a list of facts for yourself. Those are facts that you fundamentally believe, and you compare those to your feelings. So for instance, like you come up with a list of facts – I believe that my hard work will pay off. I believe that I am worthy of honesty and kindness, whatever it may be. Those are the facts. When you have a feeling that isn’t aligned with that, you should always listen to it. You shouldn’t ignore, you shouldn’t exist outside of your feelings. But I found it really powerful to take a look at the feeling and compare and contrast that with the fact, and then realize that facts are permanent in your life. The facts are non-negotiable. The feelings are temporary.” Remember that whatever facts you choose, these are the statements that you will never negotiate on when it comes to your worth or what you believe, or how you see the world.
(26:33) Is mindfulness a form of meditation?:
With so much information on how to be mindful in everyday life, could one say that practicing mindfulness is basically meditation? On the contrary, Case believes that meditation is a form of mindfulness. To his interpretation, Case sees being mindful as being self-aware, and in turn being self-aware is to be radically honest with oneself. “Radical Honesty is defined by the practice of asking yourself why, and answering it. So I consider mindfulness the practice of why – a three letter word, very powerful. That’s why I think meditation is a form of asking why. It’s a form of, why are my mind and my body in two different places? Why am I allowing this thought to absorb my energy? Whatever it may be.”
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When you make it a habit of asking yourself “why,” Case says that you begin to experience two things – closure from the past, and clarity in the present. And when you’re operating from a place of closure (or rather, from a place of peace), the answers to all your “why” questions become infinitely clearer.
Check out Case’s podcast New Mindset, Who Dis? And follow him on Instagram @case.kenny for your daily dose of mindfulness.
DEAR DAMONA (31:58)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Dating with Anxiety & The Newly Single Scene
Many people find the uncertainty experienced in dating and relationships stressful, but is anxiety keeping you from meeting your match?
New York Times Best-selling author Allison Raskin, co-host of the Just Between Us podcast, is here to discuss how coming to understand her anxiety and OCD have helped her to approach dating from a new perspective.
DATING DISH (1:25)
The opposite of jealousy:
What is the opposite of jealousy? Well according to Psych Central, it’s a feeling called compersion. To give y’all a definition, compersion is our wholehearted participation in the happiness of others. It is the sympathetic joy we feel for somebody else, even when they’re positive experience does not involve or benefit us directly. Thus, compersion can be thought of as the opposite of jealousy and possessiveness. To add some historical context, this term was first coined by the Karissa Commune in San Francisco, which was actually a polyamourous community! This new definition was meant to encapsulate the feeling that you got when you saw your partner with another partner, and made you feel joy rather than jealousy. The article addresses a question you’re probably wondering – is it possible for monogamous people to feel compersion as well? And it definitely is! Monogamous couples may already be experiencing joy for their partners through experiences such as their close friendships or work wins.
Damona suggests that compersion may actually be an opportunity to visualize the kind of partner we want to be in a relationship with, and how we want to feel when we’re with them. Turning your feelings of jealousy into compersion could also act as an opportunity to experience a stronger feeling of connection and oneness with your partner. Psych Central gives some tips on ways to practice compersion in your relationship. The first tip, although counterintuitive, is to acknowledge your feelings of jealousy instead of pushing them away – when you first recognize that the feelings are there, it relieves any tension or judgment you may have around experiencing jealousy in the first place.
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Another suggestion of accessing compersion is to practice it first in non-romantic relationships. Practice compersion when a family member or friend is experiencing joy. And if you are having a hard time shifting your feelings of jealousy to joy, not to worry – the article states that it is definitely possible to feel compersion and jealousy at the same time. Regardless, keep an open mind to how practicing compersion may help you find greater compassion for your romantic partner, as well as every other relationship in your life.
Ready to find your match? Let Damona help you out with the free Profile Starter Kit to get you online easily and on to your dating success story. Get yours for free at HERE!
ALLISON RASKIN (9:48)
Damona sits down with Allison Raskin, New York Times bestselling author and co-host of the Just Between Us podcast.
Allison is the author of “Overthinking About You: Navigating Romantic Relationships When You Have Anxiety, OCD, and/or Depression.” Additionally, she has developed shows with FX, Netflix, MTV, YouTube Red and 20th Century Television.
(10:52) A hard time with uncertainty:
Before writing her book, Allison was truly surprised that a book hadn’t yet been written on the experience of what it’s like to date with anxiety and OCD. She recounts that mental health has always been a prevalent part of her life, since she was diagnosed with OCD at four years old. “I don’t think I’ve recognized how my anxieties and my different mental health struggles made dating really hard. I think I really viewed them as two separate things that I have mental illness. And also, I’m bad at dating.” Allison shares that the uncertainty of dating was the most challenging part. She felt stuck in this loop of forever trying to lock things down, trying to define what things were and trying to get reassurance that the relationship was leading somewhere. So when she began dating in a healthier way, she felt extremely curious that this kind of change was possible. One of Allison’s missions in her book is to address the changes you can make to date in a healthier way.
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(15:08) When is the time for intervention?:
Allison explains that in order to date in a healthy way, you have to be in a stable enough place to do so. “There have been times in my life where I’ve just not been stable enough to date. And that didn’t stop me from dating, and then it was a disaster. But I think the ability to really check in with yourself is important.” Be sure to keep tabs on yourself, and your reactions to different dating scenarios. For instance, Allison mentions that if your date were to cancel plans with you at the last minute, there are two very different reactions that could be had. The first is to feel rightly annoyed and shake it off, and the second is to spiral into self-deprecating thoughts. Both of these reactions can help to let you know where your head is at, and how much your external circumstances are affecting your internal reality.
(17:13) The value of diagnosis:
Damona asks Allison about weighing the difference between having anxious thoughts while dating, versus having an actual diagnosis such as Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which Allison has herself). “It’s interesting, because there’s a lot of debate within the mental health community about the value of diagnosis. A lot of people don’t really think there’s much value in diagnosing people. And instead, it’s more important to just work with the individual and their personal symptoms and making their daily life better. The value in diagnosis often gives us a common language and vocabulary. So if I go from one therapist, to another therapist, and I say, ‘I’ve been diagnosed with OCD,’ they have a general idea of what that means.”
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So, when is the right time to reveal your diagnosis to your partner or the person you’re dating? Allison expresses that it’s really important to pay attention to what stage you’re at in the relationship versus how long you’ve known the person. “So for some people on a first date, you might dive into some really deep topics. Some people are just naturally more open and vulnerable… And so when you are talking about the more intimate things, then it becomes a little tricky to omit the mental health of it all. But if you’re in a stage of dating where it’s pretty casual, you’re just talking about work friends and what movies you saw, and you haven’t really deep dived into the bigger life stuff, then I don’t think that you need to share it yet… Because it’s not just about ‘Oh god, I’m sharing this thing. I hope that they don’t reject me because of it.’ It’s also how does this person receive this information. It is a great opportunity for you to see if this person is even worth your intimacy and your vulnerabilities.”
(21:58) Is dating with OCD a big deal?:
Dating with OCD or another diagnosis is one thing, but how do you navigate your mental health once you are in a relationship? Allison affirms that if your diagnosis impacts your day to day life, it’s going to impact the day to day life of whoever you’re with. Because of this fact, communicating with your partner is key. “Really understanding the way that your brain works, and then being able to have the language to explain that to another person is uncomfortable, it’s vulnerable. But it’s going to serve you so much. It’s so important to get there.” Letting your partner or date know when you’re struggling can give them the insight to know why you’re reacting the way that you are.
If being very forward with your partner about your diagnosis sounds scary, Allison recommends roleplaying – “If you have somebody in your life that you trust, that maybe already knows this stuff about you, you can have a roleplay conversation with them. When you know that you’re starting to date somebody and you’re getting ready to tell them [about your diagnosis], you can practice out loud with someone else, what you want to say and how you want to say it… Because then in the moment, you have that to fall back on, versus the potential anxiety of not knowing what to say, which will then impact the way that you say it.”
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(26:09) From fiancé to boyfriend:
Although Allison is currently living with her new boyfriend, the end of her book includes personal anecdotes having to do with her previous partner, her fiancé to be exact – so what changed? Allison recounts that when she was writing this book, she was living with a different person who eventually proposed to her in May of 2020. “It was basically my dream come true. I’m somebody who has always wanted to be married, always wanted a life partner. And it was also like, ‘Oh, great. I’m writing this book about how to date in a healthy way. And I won, I got engaged! By the time the book comes out, I’ll be a married woman and I’ll be able to speak from a level of expertise I’ve never had before and all this stuff.’” (When writing the book post-proposal, the last chapter had a whole interview between Allison and her ex-fiancé.)
Later that year in November 2020, on a very random night, Allison’s ex told her that the relationship was over, that something was missing. “He didn’t want to work it out, he didn’t want to do anything. He had unilaterally decided that the relationship was unsalvageable. And for an anxious mind, it can be really harmful to try to fill in what is that something. Because then you can start to go, ‘Oh, I’m ugly. They don’t find me attractive anymore. I’m annoying. They think I’m a bad mother. They think that my OCD will ruin his life, like you fill in that blank because they didn’t give you any answers.’ It was very ironic, because I kind of became the first guinea pig of the book’s messaging, where I was able to have this huge heartbreak without also having a mental breakdown. And I remember feeling in my gut, this is so awful. This is so painful, but I know I’m going to be okay.”
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(30:42) Leading with optimism:
We won’t spoil all the juicy parts of Allison’s book, but Damona remarks how the last line Allison leaves readers with is “don’t give up on yourself, and don’t give up on love.” Even after having experienced devastating heartbreak, Allison remembers how she made the decision to not let her ex control her life. “If I didn’t start dating again and if I gave up on this lifelong dream of having a partner, then not only was he robbing me of the future I thought we were gonna have together, he was robbing me of any good future I could have for myself. And so I really decided I had to take the power back. And for me, taking the power back meant not letting it prevent me from the type of life I wanted… And so I kind of dove back in [to dating] pretty quickly, because I could tell that if I waited a long time, I was going to be too afraid.”
Allison adds how a big part of moving forward from heartbreak was learning to be okay with the gray, instead of always needing things to be very clearly black and white. “It felt really uncomfortable for me to be dating somebody while I was still in love with my ex-fiancé. That process took a long time, and a lot of the beginning of our relationship was me getting over somebody else. I credit myself for being able to tolerate that discomfort. And I also really, really credit John for giving me the space to do that, and not making me feel like I had to hide my thoughts about it.”
(35:34) Come from a place of love:
Damona asks for Allison’s thoughts on what to do if you are the partner of someone with a diagnosis, and how to best support them? Allison answers with another of the book’s vital themes – you need to be your primary helper, and then your partner is your secondary helper. “When somebody is suffering with these various disorders, I get that you want to help them and you want to be a support system. But for it to be a healthy dynamic, they have to be their own primary helper. If you develop into a pattern where it’s all on you to help them and they’re not doing things to help themselves, that can be really problematic. But if you have a partner who has the language and the ability to say, ‘Hey, I’m noticing that my depression is getting worse. I’m going to go back to therapy, I’m going to start exercising more regularly for the dopamine.’ Then you can say, ‘Great, thank you for telling me. Now I know that the reason that we’ve been off is because you’re off, but it’s not a reflection of how you feel about me. Thank you for that clarity. Let me know how I can support you in helping you get better.’”
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Along with being a secondary helper, Allison says that it’s always important to come from a place of love versus accusation. That can show up in many ways, for instance instead of stating your feelings as fact, observing “Hey, I’ve noticed that, it seems like maybe your anxiety is a little more present than it’s been in other times. Does that feel true to you?” Or reminding your partner that they’ve gotten through these episodes before, and they’ve gotten themselves back up.
Check out Alison’s podcast Just Between Us, and you can follow her on Instagram @allisonraskin.
And be sure to order your copy of Overthinking About You, on shelves May 3rd!
DEAR DAMONA (40:05)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Deeper Dating & Comfortably Single
Most of us are looking for love, but is it possible some of us are doing it all wrong?
Psychotherapist Ken Page of the podcast Deeper Dating is here to share how self empowerment and a deeper understanding of oneself can lead to deeper and more optimistic dating.
DATING DISH (1:30)
(1:30) A new term for our Dating Dictionary:
This article in InStyle Magazine describes how “hesidating” is running rampant among singles right now. Plenty of Fish coined this new term, since a recent study of theirs showed how 70% of singles are unsure about their relationship status, and whether they want something serious or more casual. So in other words, they are hesidating (hesitating to date).
The article and Damona both agree that this heightened hesitancy is a downstream effect of the pandemic, considering how none of us are sure when the pandemic will really subside. Damona brings up another article she spotted in the New York Times, which dove into the experience of languishing (which similarly mirrors the feelings behind hesidating). According to this article, languishing is this feeling of not quite being depressed, but not really being excited and optimistic. You’re just languishing – you’re in the middle. As a result, it just creates all of these icky feelings that bleed over into other areas of our lives.
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Damona recounts all the highs and lows we in the dating scene have experienced as a result of the pandemic. When Covid first hit in the Spring of 2020, singles were using dating apps as a tool to connect amidst all the separation. Then there was the first Summer of Uncertainty, which bled into the Fall Haze (where languishing started to develop). By the following Summer (aka Hot Girl Summer), people were pulling away from dating apps and dating in general because of the Delta surge. Now, singles continue to hesitate in dating because all of the restrictions keep changing. Although we are still unsure how safe it is to be dating out in the streets, Damona states that partnerships and relationships are the things that fuels so much else, and could potentially be the key to moving on from languishing.
You can be on the apps… but if you’re not really present with your swiping and are continuing to hesitate, it is wasting your time and energy. We have spent so much time behind our screens, cornered away in our own little worlds. It will take decisive action, not indecision, to move forward. It is okay to only be seeking casual dating right now (and maybe it’s the answer to move you out of languishing) – own that, embrace it. But if you want something more serious, lead with that in your dating profile and on your in-person dates. Figure out what you need to shore up emotionally to come to the table as a whole person, because dating will bring out all your stuff.
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Need help expressing your relationship goals in your dating profile? Downloading my Profile Starter Kit may be the first step for you! Get your free kit HERE.
KEN PAGE (8:30)
Damona is here with Ken Page – LCSW, renowned psychotherapist, and host of the Deeper Dating Podcast.
Ken is the co-founder of DeeperDating.com, an online dating experience for single people to meet in an environment that’s kind, respectful and inspiring. He’s been featured in Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, Cosmopolitan, Fox News, and is also the author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy.
Ken is passionate about helping people understand the search for love as one of the greatest spiritual adventures in life.
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(9:42) Our core gifts:
Before learning how to date successfully and finding his life partner, Ken notes how he carried the inherent belief that he was not attractive enough, and therefore wasn’t confident enough, to attract the attention of other men. He went on this intense journey of becoming extremely buff and physically in shape (believing his “attractive” problem was fixed), only to find that it had made no difference in pulling in the kinds of people he wanted to date for a serious relationship.
Damona asks Ken what shifted in order for him to meet his husband. “The thing that made the difference was that an innate quality of goodness in me, that I had been embarrassed about my entire life – I finally learned to honor and dignify and treasure, and take it really seriously. And when that happened, that’s when everything changed. And that made me begin to think, maybe there’s a pattern here. The pattern being that there are places of passion and vulnerability that we think we need to hide to find love, because we’re either not enough, or we’re too much. Those parts are what I call our core gifts. And when we start to treasure those, and then we make this shift, we say I am only going to look for someone who treasures those qualities in me, and where it’s mutual. And that is it. When we make that change, our world changes. And hope comes back because we start to see things change.”
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(13:20) Attractions of deprivation vs inspiration:
Ken often speaks of “becoming a student of your attractions” – meaning, instead of focusing on becoming irresistible to quality people, you have to become irresistible to the kind of person who is looking for someone just like you by being you. “The focus is on how to become more attractive. But the deeper focus is, who am I attracted to? What are my attraction patterns? And how can I begin to shift those?”
Damona then brings up another concept that Ken teaches, called Attractions of Deprivation vs Attractions of Inspiration. The idea here is that we cannot force our attractions, but we can educate them (although this process takes time). Ken lists two changes you can make regarding these attractions that will set you up for profound change: “The two changes I think are embracing those authentic qualities that we talked about… And the second is to choose your attractions of inspiration and saying no to your attractions of deprivation.”
So how does Ken define both of these attractions? “Attractions of deprivation are the people who almost are able to commit, who almost treat you like they treasure you consistently. But no, they don’t. They can’t… And when you’re hooked, then there’s this feeling of the person pulling away or not being there, which triggers an ancient response of ‘I cannot lose this person.’ So this feels like love. But it’s not love… It’s an attraction of deprivation.” Once Ken started to honor and champion his own core gifts, he developed more of a pull towards attractions of inspiration. “I realized I could also be attracted to people who were kind, decent, and smart and were available… It would be a different kind of attraction. It might not be as white hot as first, but something in my heart and soul would feel really good.”
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In order to find your attractions of inspiration, Ken suggests asking yourself this question: “Does my deep heart feel safe with this person? And if the answer is pretty much consistently yes, you’ve got something to go on. Then all the other stuff follows.”
(23:24) The wave of distancing:
Damona ponders how an Attraction of Inspiration might also feel more like a slow burn, rather than an instant spark. Ken expands into what he calls “the wave of distancing, which I think is the single greatest destroyer of healthy new love.” The wave of distancing is the process of meeting someone who feels like an attraction of inspiration to you, and they are available and ready to build a relationship. Then out of the blue, things about them start to seem less exciting and not as desirable. “What that is, is a spasm of fear, in many cases, because you finally met someone that really could be available and that’s scary as hell… But by not pressuring myself and giving myself space for this kind of thing that I have, that many people have, it went away.”
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(26:00) Valuing kindness in the scope of dating:
One of Ken’s core values as a coach revolves around valuing and practicing kindness in one’s dating life. He details that when you slow down and look for the goodness in someone, you create more space to notice the things about people that resonate with you simply for who they are. You begin to operate less from a fight or flight/sex vs flight/romance vs flight kind of place, because your values will change as well. And in turn, Ken says that you will make better choices overall when you practice kindness. Ken also continues with how dating apps can tend to hold us back: “When you’re doing that quick thing of just swiping, you actually will be much more prone to choosing your scratch-the-itch type, which, according to a lot of couples theory, are the people who embody both the best but also the worst characteristics of your primary caregiver… Your ego wants to go back to the scene of the crime to finally get the perpetrator to love you, right. And that does not work so well… By making these deep shifts, you’re actually going to notice different people, different sensors get activated, and they’re much better sensors. [These] will lead you to a much happier future.”
Check out Ken’s podcast Deeper Dating and follow him on IG @deeper.dating for more advice!
And if you’re curious, head over to Ken’s website for more info on working with him.
DEAR DAMONA (31:38)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DEALS
Date Lab: Lead with the Icebreakers
“After watching Netflix’s ‘Love Is Blind,’ PJ Silva, 27, was inspired to try our love experiment and leave his disappointing relationship with dating apps behind. When he arrived at Inca Social in Arlington, his date, Jamie Smith, was already seated.
Click here to see how PJ and Jaimie broke the ice…
Drew’s Love Bug: First Date Advice
Damona helps give first date advice to an audience member on The Drew Barrymore Show, encouraging them to make what she calls a curiosity list and not to be afraid to give people a chance to surprise you.
Watch what happens here:
Empty Nesters Looking to Reignite their Marriage
Tommy and Tracey Spero have been married for twenty-two years and now find their marriage in a new phase after their daughter moved out of the house. Damona joins Drew to talk through several strategies for setting new boundaries and reigniting their connection.
Watch what happens here:
CNBC: How money can build or break your relationship
It’s not a secret that people in committed relationships tend to perform well financially. A Pew Research study found that in 2019, men and women both earned more and were more financially sound in a committed relationship. However, that doesn’t mean someone should date solely for financial security.
But if you’re actively dating, it’s normal to be curious of a potential partner’s financial situation, regardless of where you’re at in the dating process. Damona Hoffman, OkCupid Dating Coach and Host of The Dates & Mates Podcast, suggests “daters who get better with their money will naturally attract better dating prospects because it is still one of the primary attractors in our society.”
Curious to read more? Check out the full article here…