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Dear Damona: Great Expectations & The Talk

 

We’re coming at you this week with our very first all-Dear Damona episode of Dates & Mates Season 11! And the word of the week? HEALING.

We’ve been seeing a lot of misplaced anger, frustration, and disappointment on all the socials this week on well-intentioned posts – everything from raising money for charity to book recommendations. There’s a lot of pain circulating in the form of critical comments and insults being delivered behind the veil of a phone screen.

But instead of fighting anger with anger, think about shifting your instincts towards healing.

Every action that we take is motivated by one thing – to move toward love or away from pain. We do not heal our pain through complaining, through dragging someone on social media, or from ghosting. We heal our pain through listening and through extending compassion to others.

And when we are healed and whole, we can move towards love and away from pain at the same time. Hurt people hurt people and healed people help people. And boy, do we need more helpers and healers right now.

On that note, let’s get into the business of the week. You asked for it – our first Dear Damona episode of the season.

DEAR DAMONA (2:45)

 

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on our next all-Dear Damona episode!

 

  • (2:45) Voicemail from Chantel: Hello, I recently jumped back into using dating apps and I’ve met someone who I really like who is kind, thoughtful and cute. We’ve been dating for about three months. I’m wondering if I should initiate a serious relationship talk? He said he is open to long term relationships. But we haven’t really talked about what our relationship goals are yet. So I’m not sure whether he meets my needs for a long term relationship. I am attending grad school and working. So I’m pretty busy, and I don’t have a whole lot of time for dating apps. I’m kind of worried that if I continue to date him, I won’t explore other potential matches. So I’m just wondering if I should initiate the serious dating talk or if I should just continue to date him casually and learn more about each other.

 

  • (9:50) Voicemail from Bren: Hi Damona! I am a 60 year old woman, new to the dating scene after a recent divorce. I have a question about complete honesty on dating profiles. I am a physician and I am very hesitant to put it on a profile so as to avoid a lot of the predatory stuff that goes on and some of the dating sites. But of course, I like the fact that I’m a physician. I’m proud of what I do, but not really sure how to approach that on a dating website. What is your advice in regards to staying safe and being fully transparent about your profession online?

 

  • (15:37) IG Message from Shana: Hi Damona, I have a query about not getting too disappointed after first dates which appeared to have gone very well, but then you don’t hear back from the man. Would you be able to offer some sound advice on expectations and not having them deflated?

 

  • (24:35) Voice Memo from T: Hey Damona! I was in a relationship for about two and a half years. Two weeks before it ended, we were engaged. It has been three months of healing, grieving, therapy and journaling and processing the end of this relationship. I am getting curious and excited. So the question is, how do you internally know if you’re ready to get back into the dating world after processing a serious breakup?

 

  • (28:52) Text from S: Hi Damona! I absolutely love your podcast. My question is how boring is too boring? I have been dating online for the past year and have met a lot of guys who are nice and want to see me again, but the dates are very bland and low energy. Should I be doing more to spice things up, or should I just pass on the guys if we don’t click after a couple dates?

Matchmaking the Stars & Eggs In One Basket

 

Welcome to the second episode of Dates & Mates Season 11!

As part of the new season, each episode we will have a Word of the Week to set the tone. And the word this week is EXPANSION. The Dates & Mates team just got back from the Podcast Movement Conference in Denver, where we met so many new people, reconnected with the community, and discussed ways to expand the bounds of Dates & Mates. So this week’s mission is to expand your thinking around your dating pool and take some time to look at what you’re attracting in.

To help in expanding your dating pool, our guest today is Amber-Kelleher Andrews. She’s known in the biz as the matchmaker to the stars, but the name on her business card is CEO of Kelleher International, one of the largest matchmaking firms in the U.S.

Amber will share what her clients are really looking for in a match and how she finds it. Plus, she’ll reveal why she rarely pairs two celebs together. (So if you’ve always dreamed of matching with your favorite movie star, you might have a better shot than you realize. 🫢)

DATING DISH

Damona will still be dishing on all the hottest dating news, BUT the Dating Dish segment will now live on TikTok and Instagram (so we can see YOUR hot takes in the comments).

AMBER KELLEHER-ANDREWS (2:20)

In 2014 Amber starred in NBC’s prime time reality show “Ready For Love” which followed her radio talk show for CBS. Since then, she has appeared on The Today Show, GMA, 20/20, Nightline, BBC, and NBC news. Now, she is the CEO of Kelleher International, one of the largest matchmaking firms in the U.S.

(4:05) What makes two people a good match?

A matchmaker’s sole purpose is to have an eye for a good match – but how does Amber know when this is the case? She shares that people tend to look outside themselves for what a good partner possesses, and suggests turning more towards self-discovery. “If we were to walk around like a magnet, drawing in everything we need, we’d have to do some self-inventory first. You don’t want to draw in unhealthy patterns, drama, etc.”

Stereotypically, celebrities aren’t usually known for being introspective. So how do you find a match for someone who isn’t in the healthiest place? Amber gives her thoughts.

(9:10) Unlinking your social media & dating profile…

One of Damona’s top recommendations when dating online is to avoid including your social media information on your dating profile, because there is a big difference in how we may present ourselves in public versus when we’re trying to find a partner. 

Amber says she tries to match her clients on who they are, versus how they’re perceived in the celebrity world.

Amber also mentions it’s important to manage your expectations when dating, and challenge yourself on your type. One way you can do this is for every must-have, simply ask yourself “why.”

 

(18:40) How to make a great first impression!

 From a matchmaker’s perspective, Amber details why it’s important for her to keep her client’s expectations low when sending them out on a date – “you want the client to set their own expectations for their date.” 

That being said, Amber goes over some of the ways you can make a great first impression. For example, don’t do a lot of texting or have a lot of phone calls beforehand. Know what questions you’re going to ask on the date, so you don’t freeze up.

Amber and Damona also go over some crucial first date red flags, plus signs that your date is DEFINITELY interested in you.

 

 

Be sure to follow Amber on Instagram @Amber_Kelleher. And if you’d like to become a client of Kelleher International, just visit DamonaHoffman.com/matchmaker.



DEAR DAMONA

Our first ALL Dear Damona episode of the season will air next week on September 5th. SO, if you have a question, the DMs are open @DamonaHoffman on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook



Shan Boodram & The Marriage Pact

Believe it or not, we have been making episodes of Dates & Mates for over a DECADE – and now we’re excited to welcome in both loyal and brand new listeners for Season 11!

As mentioned last week, we have developed a new and improved, shorter format of the show. You’ll still hear all of the info-packed interviews that you love every week with all-Dear Damona episodes sprinkled in here and there (so keep those questions coming – scroll to the bottom to find out how).

But we’ve got a hot topic to kick off the new season: marriage pacts. This topic has been moving back into the limelight these days as Roku’s new show The Marriage Pact sets out to analyze the friendship-to-relationship pathway. And, we HAD to know more!!

The show is hosted by friend and former Dates & Mates guest, two time best-selling author, certified sexologist and host of the Lovers & Friends podcast, Shan Boodram. 

And that’s why we HAD to have Shan join us for the Dates & Mates Season 11 Premiere to talk about why YOU might want to consider a marriage pact.

 

DATING DISH

Damona will still be dishing on all the hottest dating news, BUT the Dating Dish segment will now live on TikTok and Instagram (so we can see YOUR hot takes in the comments).

 

SHAN BOODRAM (2:00)

Shan is a two time best-selling author, certified sexologist and host of the Lovers & Friends podcast. She can be seen hosting Roku’s new show The Marriage Pact, streaming for free!

(2:50) Define “marriage pact.”

In case you forgot, a marriage pact is an agreement between two people (usually friends) that agree to pursue a marriage or partnership if neither of them is married by a certain age. So as the host of The Marriage Pact, Shan assists these pairs in navigating whether or not to pursue a friends-to-lovers relationship. Damona asks Shan for her thoughts on the most difficult marriage pact scenarios, and the two discuss the differences between settling vs. settling down vs. securing.

(9:55) The pillars of LTC…

You may have heard Damona mention her pillars of long-term compatibility – shared goals, shared values, trust, and conflict resolution. Although Shan offers that in her book, attraction often comes into play in those pillars. Shan also offers her thoughts on the power of marriage pacts – one perk being that if you’re a self-sabotager, having a specific timeline can push you to make a definitive decision about your future.

(20:05) The pandemic-dating ripple effect.

Damona and Shan debrief on the most prominent dating trends that came out as a result of the pandemic, and how they have evolved in the last two years. These trends include being more “consciously single,” prioritizing mental health, and how some singles prefer to find pen pals over dating apps rather than meet IRL. Ghosting also appears to be a RAMPANT behavioral trend nowadays, and Damona and Shan break down why this is.

Be sure to follow Shan Boodram on Instagram @ShanBoodram and check out The Marriage Pact on Roku for free!

 

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future Dear Damona episode!

Season 11 is coming!

Dates & Mates just wrapped up its 10th season, and over the years we’ve had the opportunity to interview many celebrities, authors, matchmakers and more. So with Season 11 right around the corner, we’re compiling a list of some of Damona’s favorite interviews from this past season to get you prepped for the Season 11 launch on August 22nd! Check it out below…

PLUS –  we heard your feedback and you’ll notice some changes to Dates & Mates Season 11. The episodes will now be shorter and more action-packed. You’ll still hear the amazing in depth interviews that you love most weeks, but we will also sprinkle in some all Dear Damona episodes. 

As for the Dating Dish? You’ll still be able to hear Damona dish about the hottest headlines. Only now, you can view extra content as we move those juicy parts of the show to TikTok, Instagram, and Youtube.

1. Ep #453 with Rachel Lindsay: Rachel is a podcaster, author, and TV host – but you probably know her as the first Black Bachelorette.

LISTEN HERE

 

2. Ep #436 with Kamie Crawford: You may know her as the co-host of MTV’s hit series, “Catfish: The TV Show.” In this episode, Kamie shares some mind blowing dating safety tips with Damona…

LISTEN HERE

 

3. Ep #427 with Roy Wood Jr: Damona doesn’t just interview people on dating shows. Occasionally old friends and comedians stop by to share their two cents on the current state of the date – we’re talking about Daily Show Correspondent Roy Wood Jr.!

LISTEN HERE

 

4. Ep #446 with Dan Savage: Damona was joined by the OG dating and sex columnist, dating and relationship expert, Dan Savage, who shared an interesting perspective on some things straight couples can learn from gay daters.

LISTEN HERE

 

5. Ep #469 with Orna Guralnik: And we can’t forget Clinical Psychologist Orna Guralnik, the star in Damona’s favorite show Couples Therapy, and the gems that she dropped about communication in relationships.

LISTEN HERE

 

DEAR DAMONA

Keep your questions coming for Season 11! You can reach us on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook to hear your answers on a future episode of Date & Mates.

Team Dating App: With Excuse My Grandma

We are wrapping our Summer Series up with a big bang this week and bringing you a special crossover episode with the Excuse My Grandma podcast where the hosts, Kim and Grandma Gail, talk about the generational differences of dating, sex and relationships. 

Damona sat down with them on their pod to take on the task of convincing Grandma Gail to come on over to Team Dating Apps. Damona, Kim and GG also discuss how to PROPERLY screen your dating app matches, why you SHOULDN’T text too much before a first date, and how a simple phone call could SAVE YOU HOURS in your dating life.

Whether you’re on Team Dating Apps or Team Traditional Dating Methods, this crossover summer series episode with the Excuse My Grandma Podcast is for YOU!

EXCUSE MY GRANDMA (1:50)

Kim Murstein is a content creator and host of the Excuse My Grandma podcast with her grandmother Gail. Together they cover dating, relationships, and sex advice from two very different generational perspectives.

(11:05) Getting Grandma Gail on Team Dating App…

There are a lot of common concerns around using dating apps – like, how do I know my match is being honest about who they are? Is online dating really safe? What if I end up swiping so much that it affects my mental health? 

Damona addresses all of Grandma Gail’s dating app concerns and goes over the 5 Dating Loops that may be keeping you from finding your match.

(17:20) Texting etiquette & the 3-Date Rule.

Damona goes over some common traps in texting, most prominently something called the “Online Disinhibition Effect.” This is the process in which texting too often with someone can create a false sense of intimacy, which can cause you to overshare with someone. So if you think you may be sharing too much too quickly, ask yourself – would I say this to this person if we were face to face at a bar or on a coffee date?

Grandma Gail also shares her 2-Date Rule, while Damona goes over her 3-Date Rule.

(37:30) Dating in your 60s vs your 30s…

One of the biggest differences between dating culture for people in their 60s vs 20s and 30s? Women over 60 are the biggest targets for romance scams, which is why Damona has her clients be extra diligent about screening. One tip Damona gives is to read someone’s messages as if they were written to someone else – how personalized or specific to you are the messages? 

Damona also goes into the key phrases someone might use if they’re trying to scam you.

(42:55) OkCupid’s Dating Trend Predictions!

Throwback Tuesday! Since this episode aired last Fall, Damona goes over OkCupid’s Fall 2022 dating trend predictions. Some of the main trends include emphasis on IRL dates and being forward about mental health with matches. 

Damona also defines “cuffing season” and “peak dating season” for those who aren’t aware…

 

Check out Excuse My Grandma on your favorite podcast app and be sure to follow Kim and Grandma Gail on Instagram @ExcuseMyGrandma.

 

DEAR DAMONA

There is no Dear Damona this week, but please submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers during a future episode of Date & Mates!

Unsure if your question is right for Dates & Mates? Check out our recent all-Dear Damona episode to get a taste of what our listeners are thinking. 📝

via GIPHY

 

Multiamory & Short King Spring

 

Look, relationships aren’t one size fits all. We each have unique needs and desires, origin stories and goals. And with so many people out in the world today, there seems to be a match (or two, or three) for everyone out there. That coupled with the fact that relationships are no longer solely a financial commitment means you really can build your own. That’s part of the beauty in dating today, we have choice.

We can choose to be in a monogamous relationship, to be multiamorous OR to be lifelong bachelors and bachelorettes. And of course, there are even lifestyles in between. We get to choose the relationship types that best suit our lifestyles and the futures we have in mind. 

Whatever YOU choose, it all comes down to communication. That is what will determine how well you and your partner, or partners, connect and build trust. And that is why we have Dedeker, Emily and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory Podcast, joining us today to talk about how to identify what you need from a conversation, how to use microscripts to manage difficult topics, and how to make repairs after things get heated.

DATING DISH (2:25)

Why has height become such a significant factor in dating?:

If we’re being honest, height has ALWAYS been a significant factor for folks in dating. But this recent article from Glam Magazine helps break down the exact origins of our height biases, how our instinct for survival plays a factor, and how this all plays into our perception of gender roles. Damona further explains why what we’re attracted to doesn’t just “happen.”

MULTIAMORY (16:30)

Jase, Emily, and Dedeker created the Multiamory Podcast in 2014 to raise awareness, provide approachable resources, and combat the stigma faced by people in non-traditional relationships. 

Together they have been featured in numerous publications, including NPR, Vice, Huffington Post, Oprah Daily, Cosmopolitan, and Elle. In addition to their national tours, they have presented at the Google campus in Seattle and have been keynote speakers and presenters at numerous conferences.

Their new book “Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships” is out now!

(17:55) Origins of the Multiamory Podcast…

Fun fact: before they launched their podcast exploring relationship archetypes and nonmonogamy, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker were in a relationship quad with another partner. 

Although the quad eventually broke up, Jase, Emily and Dedeker decided to launch the Multiamory Podcast. At that time (around 9 years ago), there wasn’t NEARLY as much research about non-monogamy or alternative relationship models out there as there is today. 

Dedeker continues that “over time, we started to find that a lot of this advice was about good relationships in general. Whether you’re monogamous, non-monogamous, sometimes even going beyond whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not.”

Jase also dives deeper into how the perception around non-monogamy has shifted over the years, and the biggest misconceptions about this relationship model.

(23:30) The Triforce of Communication

Having researched it so much, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker are ready to share their biggest insights on what makes great communication. Emily starts, “I think it’s really important to be able to look inward at your own history with how you communicate with others. And that’s from your childhood or the way that your parents may have communicated with you, and the ways that may translate to how you communicate with your partner.” 

Emily and the gang bring up a concept from their book called the Triforce of Communication and how to use it to gain clarity on what you need from your partner (or another person) in a conversation.

(32:05) Let’s talk about neurodivergence.

Dedeker mentions that when diving deeper into the non-monogamous community, you will find a lot of non-neurotypical people. “Often people who are different flavors of neurodivergent really appreciate clear structure, a clear sense of the rules of engagement for how we’re going to engage in this conversation, for people’s intentions to be very clearly laid out.” 

Dedeker then shares her experience with being on the neurodivergent spectrum, specifically dealing with some significant PTSD.

Jase and Dedeker also explain how they worked through their gaps in communication, using something they refer to as personalized “micro-scripts.”

(42:30) What should we keep in mind when establishing boundaries?

Many of us often conflate boundaries with rules or limitations on our partner, but Emily asserts that boundaries are necessary because they allow us to advocate for ourselves in a relationship – “it’s not something you’re doing to punish a partner, but rather something you’re doing to keep yourself safe.” Dedeker adds that the power of boundaries is all about what you can do to change your own behavior, because that’s the thing we have the most control over.

Jase then describes another concept for repairing conflict in their book called “SHOP” and how it works.

 

Be sure to follow them on Instagram @multiamory_podcast and grab a copy of their new book, Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships, by visiting Multiamory.com/book.

DEAR DAMONA (51:50)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from S – Hi Damona, I’m trying to get my brother back into the dating pool. After a failed marriage, and 3 kids later, he feels that he won’t ever find love or have a family again. He feels he’s not going to find someone who will want a man with 3 kids. He is also afraid to be used, and that people will only want him for his money. How do I approach this conversation to tell him that love is out there just waiting for him, when he is so down on himself and being negative?

Chaotic Singles Party & The Silent Treatment

 

Are you ready to party?! Okay, not really, but we are changing things UP today.

Y’all know that Damona talks A LOT about dating apps. It’s how she met her husband and how she has helped so many others to find love.

But even still, Damona will be the first to tell you that online dating is just one tool you can use in your search. It shouldn’t be your ONLY strategy.  You can also let your friends set you up on a date, try a matchmaker or pick up a new hobby to meet people. 

We all know that chatting with strangers can seem overwhelming but it is a great opportunity to find love and that’s why we have Cassidy Davis, the founder of Chaotic Singles Party, joining us to talk about how to meet your match IRL.

DATING DISH (2:15)

It’s time to embrace the awkward silence:

As this recent article in The Atlantic says, uncomfortable silences have always existed. But they’re harder to avoid today than ever before. Our newfound reliance on Zoom also highlights the way awkward silences can permeate conversations through lag time, glitches, and not knowing who should speak first in a Zoom room full of people. Not to mention, coming out of the pandemic hasn’t helped with practicing social skills. 

Damona dives into what makes silence feel awkward, shares her perspective on why we can all benefit from reframing the awkward pause to just be a “natural pause.”

CASSIDY DAVIS (9:55)

Cassidy Davis is an actor, producer and the creator/host of the Chaotic Singles Party. Cassidy hosts parties monthly in LA and NYC.

She has been featured on Good Morning America, Insider, and the Wall Street Journal and on a little program that is near and dear to our hearts, The Drew Barrymore Show.


(10:30) What is a Chaotic Singles Party?

It all started when Cassidy was feeling “really sadly single for five years” and she had the idea for her and her friends to each invite someone single to a house party. But in a last minute panic, Cassidy invited 65 additional strangers off of Tinder to come to this party too! 

It was such a success (AKA no creeps, no robberies) that Cassidy began hosting these parties monthly. One year later, business is still booming. As Cassidy mentions, “it’s better than going on dates alone, let’s date together as a unit.” 

Cassidy also shares some of her favorite CSP success stories.

(14:15) Making the “meeting IRL” fantasy a reality.

Cassidy says, “My best tip to find success is to really lean into it. It might be way out of your comfort zone to go to a singles event, it might be way out of your comfort zone to start approaching people at the singles event. But the most successful people really just embrace the chaos.”

Cassidy also details why your hobbies (or finding new hobbies) are the key to meeting someone IRL.

(24:10) The ultimate opener…

So you get to the singles event, you’ve got your drink… now what? 

Damona asks for Cassidy’s ideas on good openers for starting a conversation. She states that a compliment can always go a long way. Or if someone is wearing a unique piece of jewelry or a graphic tee (what Damona would call “conversation piece clothing”), point it out!

Damona continues that we can get too caught up in saying the perfect thing to make a lasting impression, and sometimes the simplest move can lead to the biggest payoff. That being said – Damona and Cassidy share the topics you should avoid talking about too much at a singles ever or on a first date.

 

Be sure to follow Cassidy on Instagram @cassidynashdavis and learn more about her events at chaoticsinglesparty.com.

DEAR DAMONA (34:45)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Text from Anya – Hi Damona! You totally changed the way I date and so far, so good, except – I met this guy on a matching app, and we get along SO WELL. We are both creative and have tried to live off our creativity so we both know the struggle. Even on other topics we agree on almost everything. On paper this guy is like, perfect. However, I’m not physically attracted to him! At all!! I’m a pretty sexual being but I don’t feel like touching him in any way, let alone having sex…? Nope. He just feels like my brother or best friend and that’s it. Should I trust my gut and tell him that? Or keep on dating him and see physical attraction grow out of… nothing? He is really a nice guy and I don’t want to lead him on if someone he is meant to be with is out there, waiting for him. I also know myself to be hopelessly romantic and because of that, I wonder if I’m waiting for that butterfly to happen if I meet the “right” person. We just had 2 dates and he hasn’t suggested anything intimate. So part of me hoped for him to say, he also doesn’t feel the chemistry… ugh I. Don’t. Know!! Help!!

Jewish Matchmaking & 5 Date Challenge

Are you dating in reverse?! It’s easy to get caught up in appearances while you’re doing your swiping but in the end does focusing on looks get you your dream partnership?

Probably not. You may have heard Damona mention her four pillars of long-term compatibility in previous episodes – common values, shared goals, trust and healthy communication. These are the things you SHOULD be basing your partner search on.

But shifting your focus is easier said than done, especially in a world that centers on appearances so much (hello Instagram). Luckily, there is plenty of inspo out there for how to date against the grain. We see it reflected in tv shows like Love Is Blind and Married At First Sight.

And, it’s happening again in the newest series to tackle the quest for true love, Netflix’s Jewish Matchmaking. The show stars matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom, as she helps Jewish singles find love across the US and Israel.

We’re excited to share that Aleeza will give us her matchmaking tips, some secrets from the show, and a 5-Date Challenge that’s going to blow your mind. 🤯

DATING DISH (2:20)

Modern dating only feels worse because we keep saying it is:

According to online publication The Face, four out of five US adults have emotional fatigue from online dating and three quarters of UK singles are burnt out from unrewarding interactions. Now, this isn’t necessarily a new stat. But the article makes a crucial point – what we consume becomes our reality. So could it be that going on about how romance is rare, only makes it rarer? 

Damona goes over how to rewrite your “dating samskaras” (AKA our belief patterns about dating) and why we need to stop screenshotting our dating app conversations.

ALEEZA BEN SHALOM (14:05)

Aleeza Ben Shalom is a soulmate clarity coach, speaker, and author of two books, Get Real, Get Married, and Virtual Dating. She has appeared everywhere from BBC World News to NPR to HuffPost. 

Aleeza also trains dating coaches and matchmakers through her company Marriage Minded Mentor, and has helped over 200 singles manifest their soulmate. 

 

(14:40) Not all Jewsish matchmaking is the same…

Aleeza breaks down how matchmaking for Jewish families plays out with different communities. “Jewish matchmaking as a concept is the foundation, but the people that we work with are from all different backgrounds. So we do have a couple that’s Orthodox, we have somebody who’s traditional, somebody who’s kind of middle of the road, we have people that are secular… we’re taking the traditional Jewish wisdom of matchmaking, and we’re bringing it to whatever dating world our people are in.” 

Aleeza also divulges her biggest challenges with her clients on Jewish Matchmaking.

(19:30) Aleeza’s 70/30 rule.

Relationships are built between two individuals, so there is always bound to be compromise. But Aleeza believes 70% of a relationship between these individuals needs to be aligned and balanced on its own. As for the other 30%, this can be where the work and communication comes into play. But all in all, Aleeza states that ZERO percent needs to be a potential dealbreaker, “because one deal breaker breaks the entire deal.”

(23:50) The infamous 5-Date Challenge!

Aleeza compares her experience matchmaking with clients as playing on a playground, giving them challenges here and there. And thus the 5-Date Challenge was born (which you can download here)! 

“First of all, if you’re gonna go out on one date, I want you mentally committing to 5 dates. You bothered to pick the person, you bothered to say yes. Get to know them! Can you break it off before five dates? If it’s an absolute deal breaker.” 

The most controversial thing about the challenge? No touching for those 5 dates.

(32:35) Recommendations on how to incorporate families into the matchmaking process?

We’ve all gotten ourselves on a dating app at some point. But when it comes to matchmaking, many of us don’t even consider incorporating our families into the process. This is a huge aspect of how Aleeza collects her clients’ options, as the wants and needs of the family are often weighed just as heavily as the client. 

With all her experience, Damona asks Aleeza how she navigates this dynamic and how others can begin including their family in the process if they so choose.

 

Be sure to follow Aleeza on Instagram @AleezaBenShalom and check out Jewish Matchmaking on Netflix! And if you want to take on Aleeza’s 5-Date Challenge, you can find it on her website MarriageMindedMentor.com.

DEAR DAMONA (39:17)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from T – Dear Damona, love your podcast! Can people be single for too long? Are there people who just are too set in their ways to meet and keep a significant other?

Empathic Listening & Single Male Loneliness

While scoping out the latest and greatest in dating news, we came across a stat that just about blew our minds – 54% of men say they’d rather play video games than have sex on a given day.

Say what?! The pandemic has without a doubt left many of us feeling lonely and isolated, but we found this info utterly shocking. It comes out of a study on Single Male Loneliness conducted by fellow dating coach, Blaine Anderson. 

The study is jam packed with so many fascinating findings that Damona just HAD to have Blaine on this week’s episode to break it all down. Plus, Blaine is one of the top dating coaches on texting (and you know how passionate Damona gets on the topic). Blaine will be sharing tips for everybody on how to be a better texter, how to send a first message that gets a response, and how to be in integrity in your dating life.

DATING DISH (1:55)

How Drew Barrymore gave us all a masterclass on empathic listening:

If you’ve ever heard Damona talk about empathetic dating, then here’s a headline that will hit home. Huffpost recently published an article taking a deep dive into Drew Barrymore’s interview style on her daytime talk show – but more specifically, how she demonstrates “empathetic listening.” Besides her iconically open and friendly nature, Drew engages in empathetic listening by simultaneously remaining curious and open to her guest’s own experiences. Drew also is big on self disclosure, often candidly sharing info with her audiences about her love life or struggles with addiction. Damona further breaks down why it’s important to be curious and empathetic in our dating lives.

BLAINE ANDERSON (12:08)

Blaine Anderson is a dating coach for men and her mission is to curb the increasing isolation they are experiencing globally. She has been featured in major publications such as The New York Times, Forbes, Psychology Today, NYPost, and Vice i-D.

Blaine offers one-on-one coaching, practical online courses, and relatable dating content via her fast growing company, Dating By Blaine.

(13:45) Going into the stats…

Damona asks Blaine to break down her study on Single Male Loneliness – a big aspect being that men have given up on or see dating as too much effort. Blaine mentions that this is a huge symptom of our addiction to instant entertainment (re: the stat from the intro), and how “human instinct often is to pick the path of least resistance… so you really have to be intentional and motivated to go get your entertainment out in the real world.” Blaine and Damona also share strategies to navigate your dating life phone-free, and easing back into your dating journey after a period of loneliness.

(22:20) The profile photo is EVERYTHING.

So what is the biggest challenge for men when it comes to dating apps? Blaine has a few theories. But first and foremost, you’ve GOT to have a good set of pictures. Your profile photos are a chance for potential matches to see what it would be like dating you, so be sure to include some pics featuring your favorite hobbies and showcasing your interests. 

Blaine then explains the reality of dating app experiences for men vs women based on her findings, PLUS the reality of making the first move…

(34:45) How to avoid the quicksand (AKA the Texting Trap)

If you’ve listened to Dates & Mates before, you’ve probably heard Damona talk about The Texting Trap – essentially, this is when you get stuck chatting with your match solely over text, never making plans to meet IRL. Blaine points out that while it’s important to build a certain amount of trust with your match before meeting up, “it’s much easier to text yourself out of another date than into one.” Blaine additionally shares the most common texting mistake she sees from her clients when leading up to a date.

Blaine and Damona end by answering your most burning texting questions in a round of Yay or Nay: Texting Edition.

Be sure to follow Blaine on Instagram @DatingByBlaine and visit her website DatingByBlaine.com to learn more!

 

DEAR DAMONA (44:15)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Text from M – Hi Damona! I have been online on and off since my divorce in 2018. I have met a lot of wonderful men and have had a few relationships, but I’m still seeking my life partner. I have noticed myself swiping left on men who make a point of mentioning the importance of chemistry in their profiles even though I am a very sexual woman. Is this a mistake? I’ve been treating it as a red flag because it feels like they either don’t value compatibility or they haven’t put much thought into what they want beyond sex. Am I overthinking this?

Love Letters & Undefined Relationships

You all know Damona has been in this game for a minute – and by a minute, we mean like 17 years. Damona has spent her career as a love expert reading, studying, and analyzing all of the trends and stories out there on dating and relationships, so you can chart yourself to the love life you want and deserve.

And there are a handful of people who we’ve been tracking for a while. Folks who share this same passion for stories, for relationship trends, and for love. Meredith Goldstein is one of those people and it’s a special delight for us to share her interview today. Meredith will be sharing insights from her long-running Boston Globe advice column, Love Letters, and her podcast of the same name. 

You know how JLo once said “my love don’t cost a thing”? Well, Meredith and Damona will also be examining the actual cost to be single vs coupled and how it’s far more expensive to be in the wrong relationship! 

DATING DISH (2:05)

How do undefined relationships impact your mental health?:

At this point, we’ve all heard the terms “ghosting” and “situationship” floating around, and Forbes recently published an article spelling out the effects of undefined relationships on mental health. The article first defines a situationship – “a relationship of romantic or sexual nature that exists without commitment and the expectations of such” – and mentions the details of a 2022 YPulse survey, revealing that 16% of Millennials have been involved in a situationship and 35% of Gen Z individuals prefer an undefined relationship rather than one with a label.

Damona further explains why undefined relationships and ambiguity can work against us, and dissects another Time Magazine article written by friend of the pod, Myisha Battle, stating that “situationships are the future of dating, and that’s not a bad thing.”

(Check out Myisha’s Dates & Mates interview!)

MEREDITH GOLDSTEIN (14:20)

Meredith Goldstein is an associate editor and advice columnist for The Boston Globe. Her column, Love Letters, is a daily dispatch of wisdom for the lovelorn that has been running since 2009. She also hosts the popular Love Letters podcast. 

She is the author of the memoir “Can’t Help Myself: Lessons and Confessions From a Modern Advice Columnist,” 

(19:34) Some of the best advice is the wrong advice…

Both Meredith and Damona were questioned when beginning their careers as to why they should be the ones giving others advice. Meredith elaborates, “I always used to tell people – if I was a trained mental health professional, I would not be telling people what to do in 300-word responses, that’s not really what happens. And so much of the process is about hearing an opinion from someone like you or me, and then saying, ‘Well, wait, that’s actually not it.’ Sometimes my best advice is the wrong advice. Because someone says, ‘oh, Meredith, I’m not going to do that. And here’s why.’”

Meredith also shares her own current experience with dating in her 40’s, and what she has learned about the metropolitan dating scene from those 40+ who write to her.

(26:30) Every story is really about money.

In her most recent season of the Love Letters podcast, Meredith decided to center her stories and interviews around the idea of money. “I started to realize that every story we’ve ever told was kind of about money. Like you could call it a story about how to meet someone, but it was about the cost of dating. You could talk about a breakup, but it was about the trip the person took after the breakup or running to the hairstylist to get bangs.”

Damona and Meredith discuss the gray area of dating during inflation, while Meredith relives an interview she did with a man who decided to buy himself a giant ball pit in his mid-fifties.

Be sure to follow Meredith on Instagram @MeredithGoldstein and check out her podcast, Love Letters, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:25)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Text from Dale – Dear Damona, I’m currently on Match and am finding that the majority of men that are interested in me I’m not interested in. The men that I look at their profile and think “oh you could be interesting”, don’t seem interested in me. Maybe that’s just normal, like that there are only a few folks of real interest… I tried really going out with pretty anyone who expressed interest and that just led to nowhere. So basically I’ve stopped dating. Suggestions welcomed.

Sweet 16 & Couples Challenge

What do wax and serving trays have in common? Besides having been everywhere during Damona’s recent family trip to Colonial Williamsburg, they are both traditional gifts for a 16th Wedding Anniversary, which is PERFECT timing, since Damona and her husband Seth just celebrated their Sweet 16(th Anniversary).

To celebrate, our guest today is none other than Seth Hoffman! Seth isn’t *technically* an expert in love, but he’s taught Damona a heck of a lot about what partnership really means. The two will be sharing their most important lessons, favorite memories, and will be taking a stab at the infamous Couples Challenge.

DATING DISH (2:10)

The social experiment that wants to end dating apps:

According to a recent article in Interesting Engineering, the Pear Ring is the real-life social experiment looking to make IRL connections easier for singles. The Pear Ring is advertised as “the opposite of an engagement ring,” and wearing the green-colored accessory signals to others that you’re single and looking for a match. Although an altruistic idea, there are some caveats to wearing something that advertises you’re open to being approached. Damona goes over these caveats, as well as some intriguing stats on engagement rings – for example, while both men and women are more likely to wear a wedding ring today than in previous generations, those under 40 are also more likely to remove it. 

SETH HOFFMAN (11:00)

Seth Hoffman has written on tv dramas you know and love, including House, Prison Break and The Walking Dead. But his most important creations are certainly Damona’s two children.

(12:30) Love will find you when you least expect it.

We’ve all been on the receiving end of unsolicited relationship advice at one point or another, and there are definitely phrases that float around in the zeitgeist of romantic advice. But do these suggestions really check out over time? Damona and Seth ponder over and debunk some classic pieces of relationship advice, including “happy wife, happy life” and “never go to bed angry.” 

(18:05) The memory jar exercise.

If you’re an avid watcher of The Drew Barrymore Show, you may have seen Damona featured in an episode honoring the newest issue of Drew Magazine. Drew brought together her cohost Ross Mathews, his husband Wellington, and Damona to deliberate whether soulmates were real. In this same episode, Damona mentioned an exercise she and Seth have done called The Memory Jar – you write down your favorite memories together, place them in the jar, and continue to add to it over time. (You can see a clip from the segment on Damona’s Instagram!) Seth shares the proper origin story of the memory jar, and how their daughter Addie played a vital role.

(28:50) The Couples Challenge!

You know that the truth comes OUT during a couples challenge. And in Damona and Seth’s version, we get answers to questions like: Who is more likely to talk to a stranger? Who is stricter with the kids? Who steals the bed covers more? Who would die first in a zombie apocalypse? Who is usually right? And who’s the better kisser?

Want to hear more reflections from Damona and Seth? Be sure to check out their previous Dates & Mates interview here!

 

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! There was no Dear Damona this episode, so listen in next week to see if Damona addresses your question. 👀

Love Trauma & Overflowing Inbox

Here’s a fun fact: did you know that the word April comes from the Latin verb “aperir,” which means “to open”? Many people like to believe the name of the month describes the flowers and trees opening in springtime. I’m preparing as I speak to see the Cherry Blossoms in DC for the first time. Swoon!

Springtime is a period of renewal and rebirth. So in the spirit of growth, we wanted to touch on self awareness and the idea of opening yourself up to love.

And that’s why we’ve got certified dating & relationship coach, Lauren Zoeller, here to talk about how you can become aligned in love, personally and in your relationships. 

DATING DISH (2:00)

Mr. Owl, how many swipes does it take to get to the love of my life?:

The team at Shane Co. Jewelry conducted a study asking online daters how much time they spend on dating apps, whether they’ve met a partner from an app, and how long it took them to do so. According to this study, the average American will spend about eight months on dating apps and swipe on just under 4,000 profiles before finding a partner. Damona breaks down the other specifics within the study – and tells us why decisive action will be your best bet in finding a match online.

LAUREN ZOELLER (9:12)

Lauren Zoeller is a certified dating & relationship coach, an author, and the host of The Aligned Love podcast. She is also the Founder of The Aligned Love Experience™ and an expert practitioner in reparenting, generational healing and Somatic Experiencing.

Lauren’s insights have been featured on The Drew Barrymore Show (holla!), The NY Post, Business Insider, NBC News, SHAPE magazine and other international media outlets. 

(10:00) What makes Somatic Therapy different?

If you’ve never heard of “somatic therapy” before, Lauren’s got ya covered. “Somatic therapy is therapy of the nervous system, which is completely different from what most of us are conditioned to think about when we think about therapy. And that’s traditional talk therapy, going to a therapist and verbally processing your trauma.”

(19:35) Feeling safe inside of your body…

Damona asks for Lauren’s top first date tips for tapping into your nervous system awareness. She asserts that you first have to understand what safety feels like in your body, because only then will you have a sense if someone is safe when you meet them. “Your person should feel like home, they should feel safe – but you have to find home within yourself first.”

Lauren also shares her hot take on feeling butterflies, and what it means if you’re still getting them on the 3rd date.

(26:30) Bullsh*t and breadcrumbs.

One of the things both Lauren and Damona hear a lot is that women want to be pursued by their match – but Lauren points out a key difference between pursuing someone and chasing them. “I think that both people in a partnership need to pursue one another. It’s not a one way thing.”

Lauren continues that many women put up with what she calls “bullsh*t and breadcrumbs,” AKA a lack of clarity in whether someone wants to date you.

Be sure to follow Lauren on Instagram @LaurenZoeller and check out The Aligned Love Framework Course.

 

DEAR DAMONA (29:40)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from Snowed Under, Down Under – Hi Damona, I’ve been listening to your podcast here in Australia and I have a burning question. Without tooting my own horn; I get a lot of interest from guys on dating apps. The area in which I live and date is very skewed in the favor of women to men ratio. So I get inundated with messages and likes on dating apps. My question is how do I handle this influx of messages? I try to be respectful and answer every message, even if I am not interested – but it’s almost a full-time job!!! I get burnt out really quickly trying to siphon through the guys and trying to message them to give me and them a chance to determine if we should meet up. I don’t like to juggle conversations, but I can take on average 7 to 10 days getting to know someone via text/message, only to meet and the connection to be underwhelming in person! I wonder if my mindset of trying to cull the numbers and really focus on what it is I’m searching for is hindering me – or should I just wing it and just go and meet people without even really getting to know them in written communication first???