Break Up Recovery & Where to Meet
Did you know that January is National Breakup Month? It’s okay if you missed it; there’s been a lot of “New Year, New Me” talk going around, and frankly – celebrating breakups is not the goal. Break Up Recovery & Where to Meet is the theme this week!
But while painful, breakups are sometimes necessary and a natural part of dating. That’s why marriage and family therapist Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is joining the Dates & Mates podcast this week. She’s here to ease the pain and normalize the stages of a breakup to set listeners up for success all along their dating journey.
Plus, Dr. Lisa has brought her own Dear Damona questions! So, she joins Damona for a very special Dear Damona segment takeover at the end of the show.
Let’s get started with this week’s Dating Dish: Dating News Reveals New Study For the Best Places to Meet New People. (Wonder if LinkedIn is one of them?!)
Dating Dish (1:54)
In a new nationwide study, DatingNews.com set out to see how singles are actually meeting people. Over 500 singles were given 15 various options and tasked with selecting the methods they’ve used to find people to date.
We weren’t surprised to hear that networking platforms take the lead with almost 52% of singles saying that they use them to date. Now this doesn’t just mean apps like LinkedIn or Instagram, but also includes apps like DuoLingo and beyond. Damona says we need to consider our entire online and offline identity as part of our dating landscape.
What did surprise us was to hear that according to the study 40% of people still meet at bars and clubs. That number seems high in our current age especially when post-pandemic, people are wary of in-person interactions being perceived as creepy or aggressive. Even still, Damona thinks bars and nightclubs can facilitate connections as long as you aren’t getting so drunk that you don’t remember what you’ve said.
Another surprising stat – nearly half of the people surveyed found success via blind dates. Coordinating this kind of set-up is tricky, but Damona says we really ought to leverage it more. The trick is to go beyond your besties. They would have paired you off already if they could. You need to develop a circle two or three degrees out—work friends, activity buddies, teammates—and directly ask them to connect you with potential matches. Don’t be afraid to clearly outline what you’re looking for in a partner.
Dr Lisa Marie Bobby (10:16)
Dr. Lisa is a marriage and family therapist and the founder of Growing Self Counselling and Coaching. She’s also the author of the book Exaholics: Breaking Your Addiction to an Ex Love AND she’s the host of one of our favorite podcasts, Love Success and Happiness.
(11:43) January: The #1 Month for Breakups
According to Dr. Lisa, January sees a significant rise in breakups and divorces. Even couples who are aware that the relationship is fizzling out often delay splitting until after the holidays. As Dr. Lisa notes, “January feels like a natural transition time for making big changes.” The new year sparks reflection on identity and goals—for many, prompting major relationship shifts like breakups
(15:19) A Breakup Isn’t an Event, It’s a Process
Exploring the quest for improved boundaries, the discussion delves into a common aspiration shared by many. The prevalent issue of recovering people pleasers takes center stage, highlighting the necessity of learning valuable lessons from past relationships.
Emphasizing the importance of taking time and setting protective boundaries, the conversation offers insights into avoiding the pitfalls of rushing into relationships without thoughtful analysis.
Damona echoes this sentiment, endorsing the concept of slow love and dating. She underscores the significance of stepping back during the in-between moments to assess feelings without getting caught up in momentum. Damona goes into this even further in a previous podcast episode: Master Class: The 4 Dating Myths & 4 Pillars.
The conversation underscores the need to be present and mindful in the unfolding of relationships, emphasizing the value of boundaries to protect oneself from potential hurt.
(23:08) Breakup-Related Trauma: When It’s More Than a Broken Heart
According to Dr. Lisa, recovering from a breakup involves distinct emotional phases, rather than a quick linear healing. The first phase post-breakup is intense withdrawal filled with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, and desperation. Our biology makes parting painful! Jumping back into dating during this turbulent time is ill-advised.
Phase two brings the necessary sadness to mourn the loss a split signifies. Reflection and self-care help one honor the end of the relationship before moving forward. Modern life lacks helpful rituals to process the romantic loss that funerals provide for death. Still, Dr Lisa cautions against rushing into dating before properly working through grief.
(29:28) Breakups as Withdrawal: Heal Before Dating Anew
When describing her own extreme breakup reaction, Damona wonders what psychologically triggered such intense emotions even years later. Dr. Lisa explains that in addition to attachment loss, “there is a relational trauma that takes place closely related to a betrayal trauma.” This connects to our primal survival wiring. ” Hence why people do ‘insane’ things to reconnect with exes “against their own good judgment.” The trauma of a severed attachment taps into our core being.
Though not an official diagnosis, Dr. Lisa sees clients undergo traumatic responses from breakups. She explains, “It actually changes your brain; your brain encodes traumatic memories in a totally different place and in a totally different way.” However, this trauma is often invalidated by professionals because it doesn’t meet descriptions in medical guidebooks.
Healing requires that we process intrusive memories and emotions properly.
Follow Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby on Instagram @DrLisaMarieBobby and check out her Breakup Recovery Program by visiting growingself.com/divorce-counseling-breakup-recovery/
Dear Damona with Dr. Lisa (38:17)
Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future all-Dear Damona episode!
- How can you stop feeling like you will never find somebody as good as your ex?
- How do you navigate missing your ex but also really wanting to give your new relationship a chance?