Tag Archive for: marriage

Hidden Love Questions & Happiness Engineering

Have you ever found yourself pondering the twists and turns of your love life, wondering if you’re on the right path, or if there’s even a map to begin with? Perhaps you’re at a crossroads, questioning whether you’re truly in sync with your heart’s desires. 

As we have been walking the current cohort of The Dates & Mates Method program through the 5 dating loops and along this journey, we have been hearing just how overwhelming it can feel to unravel the answers to these questions and design a new road map for your love life all at once.

The word of the week is the very same one that we remind the class of every week. It is also the very same word that Damona chose during the Jewish High Holidays as the value to define her year. 

Our word of the week is SIMPLICITY

If you find yourself tempted to spiral into overwhelm, remind yourself that you only need to focus on the one thing ahead of you in that moment. Choose to simplify a problem to its essence and take a simple action to get unstuck. Don’t try to do everything all at once.

Our guest today has done some of the heavy lifting for you. He’s looked at the questions that came up for his readers and clients and he’s hand carved a simple path to help you on your love journey.

And he is a bit of a legend around here. Dr. Victor Frank, formerly known as Dr. Ali Binazir, was one of the first guests here on Dates & Mates over 11 years ago.

Dr. Victor Frank (2:03)

Dr. Victor Frank is a Happiness Engineer and behavioral change specialist who has written about love & happiness since 2005. 

He has given 3 TEDx talks by invitation and is the creator of the online course “Super Charisma: How to Be a Transformative Speaker”, which was the highest-rated public speaking course on Udemy. 

His book, “The Tao of Dating”, was the highest-rated dating book on Amazon for 8 years and his newest book, “The 5 Hidden Love Questions: Radically Simple Strategies to Date Smarter, Own Your Power, and Flourish” is out now!

(5:15) 5 Hidden Love Questions

Dr. Victor’s latest book, “The Five Hidden Love Questions,” is a treasure trove of wisdom. It’s based on patterns he noticed in letters from readers, revolving around five profound questions: 

  1. Am I enough?
  2. Am I the buyer or the seller?
  3. Am I safe physically and psychologically?
  4. What do I really want?
  5. Who am I really?

(8:05) Feelings of Inadequacy

We all experience moments where we do not feel like we are enough. Dr. Frank suggests shifting our focus from ourselves to serving others. “A bunch of things happen when you do that. As you are making other people feel great, they light up. When they light up, you light up.” By being a positive presence, we not only improve our own well-being but also attract others to us. 

(18:19) Am I The Buyer or the Seller?

“In these socially ambiguous situations, you will do better if you assume the position of the buyer,” says Dr. Frank. By being gently discerning and asking the right questions, we can determine if we’re a good fit with the other person. That may mean you need to do a little research and prepare some questions.

 

Grab a copy of his book, “The 5 Hidden Love Questions: Radically Simple Strategies to Date Smarter, Own Your Power, and Flourish”, on Amazon and find resources to accompany the book at TaoOfDating.com/resources

And you can access Dr. Victor’s audio meditations at HappinessEngineering.com

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future all-Dear Damona episode!

2 Black Girls, 1 Rose & As Seen On TV

The Golden Bachelor premiered a couple weeks ago and the verdict is in – audiences young and mature are eating it up! 

We are seeing a shift towards diversity in the casts of our favorite reality dating shows. People are tired of labels and hungry to see love in all its forms. But there is still work to be done in this space…

And that is why our word of the week is REPRESENT

Damona’s yoga teacher and mentor, Rebecca Benenati, always chooses a word of the year and a few years ago, Rebecca shared this message about the meaning of this word for her:

“It is my wish for myself and for everyone to feel strong, clear, honest and safe to authentically represent who we are. Let the words you say be truthful, let the actions you take be mindful and above all hold less fear about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. Now is the time to speak up, speak out and REPRESENT yourself with great quality. This bold concept may mean that others have to look at themselves and isn’t that the beauty of doing our own work. We can rise together to be the best we can be, not by doing more or saying more but by consciously choosing how to best show our hearts to each other.”

As a DEI exec for many years at CBS and NBC, Damona believes that representation matters – being able to relate in some way to the people we hear or see out in the wide world helps us all live a fuller human experience.

2 Black Girls, 1 Rose (3:24)

Justine Kay and Natasha Scott-Reichel, the hosts of the 2 Black Girls, 1 Rose podcast, are on a mission to uncover what we can learn — if anything — about modern dating, love, and relationships from popular television.

Natasha and Justine have recapped all of your favorite shows including The Bachelor franchise, Love Is Blind, Married at First Sight, Perfect Match, Indian Matchmaking, and The Ultimatum: Queer Love.

Their podcast was named one of the 50 Best Podcasts to Listen to Right Now by TIME Magazine. Natasha and Justine have also been featured on ABC and Lifetime and in the Washington Post, the LA Times, and New York Magazine.

(7:25) Golden Bachelor 

Natasha talks about the amount of content that is available to people and how it is forcing networks to be more innovative. She adds that the Golden Bachelor has been teased for almost 4 years and that there has always been an excitement for it. “The audience is getting older and they need to feel reflected in it.”

Justine says shows like Love Is Blind made way for more cast diversity in the Golden Bachelor. “Love Is Blind, having their first and only king and queen of the franchise be an interracial couple, and be a black woman and a white man, they’re paving the way.”

(12:43) The First Black Bachelor 

Natasha breaks down why she thinks the first black bachelor was done all wrong. “They gave us Matt James but we never got to know him. He never spoke on being a Black man – a Black man dating, a Black man living in the South, a Black man with a White mother. Maybe he had those conversations, and they edited them out, but that’s the problem.”

(22:00) Love Comes In Many Forms 

Damona talks about how some daters falsely believe that if they date someone like them, it will make it easier for them to connect. “It can be a missed opportunity when it is supposed to be a time of discovery.”

 

Justine shares how the differences between her and her husband have been learning experiences. “We could not be more opposite and the way that we learn from each other daily is an incredible thing.”

Nathasha adds, “Some people might have it in their head that they know exactly what love will look like and who it will come from, but that’s doing a disservice to yourself.”

 

Follow Natasha and Justine on Instagram @2BlackGirls1Rose and check out the 2 Black Girls, 1 Rose podcast wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!

 

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future all-Dear Damona episode!

Profile Punchup & Text-Speak

We don’t have to tell you that dating today is nothing like it was for our parents. Texting, dating apps, and DMs have forever changed the game and we think it’s safe to say that we are all having to adapt rather quickly. As we’re learning new skills in this arena every day it can sometimes be overwhelming and we may be tempted to push the whole thing away. No more apps, no more texting, no more dating, just no. 

But there are ways to reduce your communication stress and stay in the dating game long enough to meet someone who peaks your interest.

And that is why our word of the week is PROCESS.

When we look at dating as a process and not something that happens by happenstance, we can better chart our path. 

Our guest today, Erika Ettin, did that herself many years ago and now she does it for thousands of fans, listeners, followers, and clients.

ERIKA ETTIN (2:05)

Erika Ettin is the Founder of A Little Nudge, a consulting company that helps people navigate the world of online dating.  A Little Nudge has been featured in media around the country, including The New York Times, The Washington Post, NPR, CBS, and Ask Men.

She is also the author of the book Love at First Site and the co-host of the dating podcast So, We Met Online…

LAY DOWN SOME MESSAGE BAIT (7:40)

Like Damona’s 3 C’s, Erika has some guidelines to the photos in your dating profile, starting with, only post 5:

  • A nice clear shot of your face
  • A full body
  • You doing something interesting (message bait)
  • 2 other pictures of you in your element

Erika breaks down the idea of message bait, “basically someone can ask you a question about it. They feel brilliant because they have asked you a relevant question, but really you are the brilliant one, because you planted it!”

ONLY ONE FIRST IMPRESSION (13:31)

Text speak is when you abbreviate words and phrases in text like HBU, WBU, U. “When somebody uses text speak, it automatically makes the conversation more casual and more casual for more people means it might veer into the sexual.”

Erika says that you only get one first impression, so write in a way that represents your intelligence. 

WHAT TO SAY IN A FIRST MESSAGE (20:13)

Erika offers some scripts to make your first message cute and stress free:

  • You can definitely have the window seat as long as we’re going somewhere amazing. I’m thinking Hawaii.
  • Where is the best Pad Thai in the city? Asking for… me.
  • Curly fries or waffle fries?
  • How did you get into country music? Do you own the boots too?

She explains that it’s as simple as picking up on something in your matches profile and then adding a little humor. 

Damona shares her first message approach – a comment + a question.

CONVERT MATCHES TO DATES (30:24)

Many daters complain that staying in the app once a connection is made is a pain, but Erika says it’s the key to high match to date conversion rates. Her formula:

  1. Set the date in the app.
  2. Confirm the details with “it’s a date:”.
  3. Exchange phone numbers the day before the date with this message
    • “In case you need to reach me tomorrow for anything, here’s my number. What’s yours?

According to Erika, “60% of dates no longer happen if you exchange numbers before you have set the time, date and location of the date because there is no more urgency and sometimes a false sense of urgency.”

 

Follow Erika Ettin on Instagram @ErikaEttin and sign up for her coaching programs at www.alittlenudge.com/coaching_d/!

 

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future all-Dear Damona episode!

Age Gap Crap & Solo Mom

Love knows no boundaries, and yet, inequities can rear their ugly heads, even in the realm of romance. It might appear in the form of someone who refuses to date people their age or someone who refuses to date people outside of their race. No matter the origin, it’s important that you don’t allow it to hold you back.

The word of the week is AUTHENTICITY.

Authenticity is your superpower. Embracing who you really are is far more rewarding than trying to fit a mold. 

So be yourself! Step into your true self at any age, any race, any religion. Step into your true relationship goals whether it includes another person, more than one person, or even a child who can help you achieve the goal of being a parent.

Our guest today – Rachel Russo – will inspire us all to trust that our authentic selves are lovable, and to set relationship goals that are realistic and inspiring for us.

RACHEL RUSSO (3:17)

Rachel Russo has been working full-time as a matchmaker and dating & relationship coach for eighteen years through her boutique matchmaking and relationship coaching company, Rachel Russo Relationships. 

Fun fact: She’s also a solo mom by choice and she is loving mom and entrepreneur life! 

CHERRY PICKING CLIENTS (5:14)

Rachel talks about the trend in dating culture and society which seems to devalue women as they age. “The men that are coming to me in the matchmaking world are wanting to date significantly younger women, and when it’s like 20 plus years, I’m not onboard.” 

And with such a significant career, Rachel is able to pick and choose who she’d like to work with. “I mean I can really work with anyone professionally that is respectful and has reasonable criteria, but they don’t always align with my own values, so I’m trying to draw that line in the sand.”

PROBLEMATIC AGE GAPS (6:12)

Rachel describes how she approaches older men who come to her looking for matches 20 years younger. “So I would tell them to put yourself in the shoes of the women that you want to date. In my case, I am the age that they want to date, but guess what, my dad is 72. So why do I want to date you when I can date someone who’s a more reasonable age difference?”

In the end, Rachel turns these clients away with the honest answer that she doesn’t have a database of women who are willing to date that large of an age gap.

SOLO MOM LIFE (23:02)

Rachel believes that being a solo mom can positively impact women’s love lives. “It’s so empowering. It takes the pressure off, they’re happy, and they got what they want. Now they can find someone on their terms.”

However, Rachel’s dating life is currently on hold. “I’ve decided to delay dating until she’s three. I was doing everything to have this baby and I want to put equal effort into finding a partner.”

 

Follow Rachel Russo on Instagram @Rachel.Russo and sign up for her registry at RachelRusso.com!

 

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future all-Dear Damona episode!

Dear Damona: Vision of Love & Sue’s Story

If you joined the “F the Fairy Tale” Challenge last week, you might’ve heard a lot about mindset work while dating. But, we can only see a continuous shift in our mindset when we take action. 

So with that, the word of the week is ACTION.

We’re back with another round of questions for this all-Dear Damona episode, AND a special appearance. Damona will be joined by her client, Sue, to share how she learned to love again after losing her husband in 2021 – and why you should never give up on love.

DEAR DAMONA (4:00)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on our next all-Dear Damona episode!

  • (4:00) Voicemail from Faith: Hi Damona! I know you speak a lot on visualization as a part of the dating journey. I was wondering if you have any suggestions for the small population of those that deal with aphantasia. Aphantasia is when your mind’s eye is essentially blind. So if somebody says “picture yourself on the beach”, I just go blank. Do you have any suggestions for how those of us with aphantasia could get clarity, maybe without visualization or with another tool.

**Vision boards can be a really great tool for visualization or for helping you see what you want more clearly. Check out this Vision Board minisode for Damona’s tips on how to make yours!

  • (8:50) Voice Message from C: Hey Damona, loving the new format of the podcast. It’s happened to me a couple of times where there’s a guy who I’m really interested in, we may have been on like a date or two. But then what basically happens is he’s just rubbish at confirming when the next date will happen. Generally for me, if I haven’t heard from someone like two days ahead of time, I forget about them. Am I potentially dismissing great guys because of this? And if that’s the case, because it’s really early stages, am I allowed to ask the person for clarity in advance? Or is this all just a symptom of dating in your 30s?
  • (21:30) Text from K: Hi Damona. I’m over 50, never married, no children, and sometimes think that that’s a red flag for men. I’m also enjoying a middle-aged body that seems comfortable with my apparently futile efforts to change it. I don’t want to release my hope of finding a long term lifetime partner, but I’m barely hanging onto that hope. At what point should a person just accept it’s probably not going to happen?

SUE’S STORY (28:40)

Damona’s client, Sue, talks about how she learned to love again after losing her husband in 2021 and why you should never give up on love.

Unorthodox Dating & Newly Single

We had so much fun bringing you all the “F the Fairy Tale Challenge” last week. We connected with so many of you on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook AND our brand new (well, technically reinvented) Youtube channel! (Check out the Dates & Mates Youtube channel here…)

And with that, today’s word of the week is REINVENTION.

There are certain pivotal moments in our lives. Little windows open up for us to peer inside our hearts and ask, what do we truly want? And are we living life in alignment with our goals and values?

In the face of these challenges, we find our true strength through reinvention. It’s a beacon of hope that says, “You are not defined by your past, but by the potential of your future.” To embrace reinvention is to become the authors of our own narratives. It’s the fuel for personal growth and transformation.

This week, let the word “reinvention” inspire you to chase dreams, break boundaries, and shatter limitations. Go for what you know in your heart is meant for you. If you’re listening today, on the precipice of a reinvention of your relationship future or any other aspect of your life, our guest is the perfect person for you to hear from.

JULIA HAART (2:25)

Julia Haart is a fashion designer, entrepreneur and the current CEO of Elite World Group, a fashion talent management group. However, Julia started out in a very different place in life. She was raised in an ultra-Orthodox Jewish community and was married off to a man she barely knew at a young age. That marriage ruled her life for 23 years before she gained the courage to leave.

Julia joins Dates & Mates today to talk about how she went from ultra orthodox long sleeves to designing lingerie, and how to find your voice and power in a relationship.

(6:41) Shifting into body confidence.

Julia goes into her orthodox background, including the three laws that defined her life for years. Her transition into body empowerment, and consequently starting her lingerie brand, was inspired when her 5-year old daughter asked why their religion wouldn’t allow her to play soccer with the other kids.

(18:12) Don’t take freedom for granted.

Julia details what it was like to start dating for the first time at 52-years old. “The first like nine months, it was more about self discovery than dating. I didn’t really date.” For Julia, one of the most important transitions was experiencing her own sexual freedom for the first time. 

Julia also explains what she’s learned since being on My Unorthodox Life in 2022.

(25:05) Gardeners & flowers…

Damona and Julia talk about what it takes to really create change in your life, and deprogram old beliefs that aren’t serving you anymore. Julia also offers a metaphor that says everyone is either a gardener or a flower. “Gardeners are the people who take care, they nurture, they feed, they support, they help. Flowers are the people that say give me, give me, give me everything… I would like someone who gardens some of the time, and doesn’t always say ‘give me.’”

 

You can follow Julia on Instagram @JuliaHaart AND you can learn more about her sexy shapewear by visiting BodyByJuliaHaart.com.

 

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future all-Dear Damona episode!

Manifest Love & Slay Monsters

 

From what we’ve been hearing lately, so many of you feel like you’re doing all the things to find your match, but not seeing the progress you want. So in today’s episode, we’re going to work a little magic – well, a specific kind of magic.

The word of the day is MANIFESTATION.

We believe that manifestation is magic and that we all have the power to manifest our destinies. When we dream it and believe it, we can achieve it, whether we’re talking financial success or love.

And before you say “that’s too woo woo for me,” we encourage you to have an open mind. Having an open mind is the first step to making manifestation work for you. When we manifest, we are actually programming our subconscious mind, helping our brains get to order our actions and make what we visualize real.

Or maybe it’s just straight up magic. Either way, our guest today – Morgana Rae – will show us how it’s done.

MORGANA RAE (3:00)

Morgana Rae is the #1 international best-selling author of “Financial Alchemy: 12 Months of Magic & Manifestation.” Morgana has been a 7-figure spiritual life and business coach for over 30 years (that’s over a million for those who are counting). She’s guided tens of thousands of entrepreneurs, artists, healers and humanitarians to heal the rift between heart, spirit, and money.

Morgana’s groundbreaking approach to “attracting money like a lover” has featured her on all the major television networks – United Press International, Yahoo Finance, The Wall Street Journal, and hundreds of others. As a thought leader on the topics of Wealth and Relationships, she’s also been a featured expert on stages with Deepak Chopra, Arianna Huffington, Bob Proctor, and many others. 

(3:00) Change happens at the speed of safety…

Although a lot of her work has been financially oriented, Morgana says manifesting love is a lot like manifesting wealth. She shares her story of how she slayed her “love monster” in 2012, when she met the man who would eventually become her husband. 

Morgana also believes that change happens at the speed of safety, and explains the 3 steps you can take to dissect and heal the ways you feel unsafe in love.

(22:15) Character versus characteristics.

After Damona describes her 3 C’s rule for profile photos – having Color, Context & Character – she notes that many people forget about implementing your character, because they get too caught up in impressing potential matches instead of leaning in authentically. 

Morgana revisits her own profile, and how she used her bio to paint a picture of what it would be like to date her. This is when the quality of her matches began to change. Morgana buttons her thought with, “if you feel like you need to impress that person, it’s not your person.”

(28:30) Find your Money Honey!

Morgana clarifies that your “money monster” can be anything that has ever made you feel unlovable, unworthy, unsafe, judged or powerless. And once you slay that money monster, you will open yourself up to finding your “money honey.” (Check out Morgana’s website for 6 steps on how to take action in finding your money honey.) 

Morgana adds that “you must create safety in your own relationship, with your existence, with your life on Earth. So that when somebody shows up with ill intent, you don’t take it personally. You just say no, and move on.”

 

Visit Morgana’s website MorganaRae.com and grab a copy of her bestselling book, “Financial Alchemy: 12 Months of Magic & Manifestation.”

 

 

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future all-Dear Damona episode!

Dear Damona: Great Expectations & The Talk

 

We’re coming at you this week with our very first all-Dear Damona episode of Dates & Mates Season 11! And the word of the week? HEALING.

We’ve been seeing a lot of misplaced anger, frustration, and disappointment on all the socials this week on well-intentioned posts – everything from raising money for charity to book recommendations. There’s a lot of pain circulating in the form of critical comments and insults being delivered behind the veil of a phone screen.

But instead of fighting anger with anger, think about shifting your instincts towards healing.

Every action that we take is motivated by one thing – to move toward love or away from pain. We do not heal our pain through complaining, through dragging someone on social media, or from ghosting. We heal our pain through listening and through extending compassion to others.

And when we are healed and whole, we can move towards love and away from pain at the same time. Hurt people hurt people and healed people help people. And boy, do we need more helpers and healers right now.

On that note, let’s get into the business of the week. You asked for it – our first Dear Damona episode of the season.

DEAR DAMONA (2:45)

 

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on our next all-Dear Damona episode!

 

  • (2:45) Voicemail from Chantel: Hello, I recently jumped back into using dating apps and I’ve met someone who I really like who is kind, thoughtful and cute. We’ve been dating for about three months. I’m wondering if I should initiate a serious relationship talk? He said he is open to long term relationships. But we haven’t really talked about what our relationship goals are yet. So I’m not sure whether he meets my needs for a long term relationship. I am attending grad school and working. So I’m pretty busy, and I don’t have a whole lot of time for dating apps. I’m kind of worried that if I continue to date him, I won’t explore other potential matches. So I’m just wondering if I should initiate the serious dating talk or if I should just continue to date him casually and learn more about each other.

 

  • (9:50) Voicemail from Bren: Hi Damona! I am a 60 year old woman, new to the dating scene after a recent divorce. I have a question about complete honesty on dating profiles. I am a physician and I am very hesitant to put it on a profile so as to avoid a lot of the predatory stuff that goes on and some of the dating sites. But of course, I like the fact that I’m a physician. I’m proud of what I do, but not really sure how to approach that on a dating website. What is your advice in regards to staying safe and being fully transparent about your profession online?

 

  • (15:37) IG Message from Shana: Hi Damona, I have a query about not getting too disappointed after first dates which appeared to have gone very well, but then you don’t hear back from the man. Would you be able to offer some sound advice on expectations and not having them deflated?

 

  • (24:35) Voice Memo from T: Hey Damona! I was in a relationship for about two and a half years. Two weeks before it ended, we were engaged. It has been three months of healing, grieving, therapy and journaling and processing the end of this relationship. I am getting curious and excited. So the question is, how do you internally know if you’re ready to get back into the dating world after processing a serious breakup?

 

  • (28:52) Text from S: Hi Damona! I absolutely love your podcast. My question is how boring is too boring? I have been dating online for the past year and have met a lot of guys who are nice and want to see me again, but the dates are very bland and low energy. Should I be doing more to spice things up, or should I just pass on the guys if we don’t click after a couple dates?

Matchmaking the Stars & Eggs In One Basket

 

Welcome to the second episode of Dates & Mates Season 11!

As part of the new season, each episode we will have a Word of the Week to set the tone. And the word this week is EXPANSION. The Dates & Mates team just got back from the Podcast Movement Conference in Denver, where we met so many new people, reconnected with the community, and discussed ways to expand the bounds of Dates & Mates. So this week’s mission is to expand your thinking around your dating pool and take some time to look at what you’re attracting in.

To help in expanding your dating pool, our guest today is Amber-Kelleher Andrews. She’s known in the biz as the matchmaker to the stars, but the name on her business card is CEO of Kelleher International, one of the largest matchmaking firms in the U.S.

Amber will share what her clients are really looking for in a match and how she finds it. Plus, she’ll reveal why she rarely pairs two celebs together. (So if you’ve always dreamed of matching with your favorite movie star, you might have a better shot than you realize. 🫢)

DATING DISH

Damona will still be dishing on all the hottest dating news, BUT the Dating Dish segment will now live on TikTok and Instagram (so we can see YOUR hot takes in the comments).

AMBER KELLEHER-ANDREWS (2:20)

In 2014 Amber starred in NBC’s prime time reality show “Ready For Love” which followed her radio talk show for CBS. Since then, she has appeared on The Today Show, GMA, 20/20, Nightline, BBC, and NBC news. Now, she is the CEO of Kelleher International, one of the largest matchmaking firms in the U.S.

(4:05) What makes two people a good match?

A matchmaker’s sole purpose is to have an eye for a good match – but how does Amber know when this is the case? She shares that people tend to look outside themselves for what a good partner possesses, and suggests turning more towards self-discovery. “If we were to walk around like a magnet, drawing in everything we need, we’d have to do some self-inventory first. You don’t want to draw in unhealthy patterns, drama, etc.”

Stereotypically, celebrities aren’t usually known for being introspective. So how do you find a match for someone who isn’t in the healthiest place? Amber gives her thoughts.

(9:10) Unlinking your social media & dating profile…

One of Damona’s top recommendations when dating online is to avoid including your social media information on your dating profile, because there is a big difference in how we may present ourselves in public versus when we’re trying to find a partner. 

Amber says she tries to match her clients on who they are, versus how they’re perceived in the celebrity world.

Amber also mentions it’s important to manage your expectations when dating, and challenge yourself on your type. One way you can do this is for every must-have, simply ask yourself “why.”

 

(18:40) How to make a great first impression!

 From a matchmaker’s perspective, Amber details why it’s important for her to keep her client’s expectations low when sending them out on a date – “you want the client to set their own expectations for their date.” 

That being said, Amber goes over some of the ways you can make a great first impression. For example, don’t do a lot of texting or have a lot of phone calls beforehand. Know what questions you’re going to ask on the date, so you don’t freeze up.

Amber and Damona also go over some crucial first date red flags, plus signs that your date is DEFINITELY interested in you.

 

 

Be sure to follow Amber on Instagram @Amber_Kelleher. And if you’d like to become a client of Kelleher International, just visit DamonaHoffman.com/matchmaker.



DEAR DAMONA

Our first ALL Dear Damona episode of the season will air next week on September 5th. SO, if you have a question, the DMs are open @DamonaHoffman on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook



Shan Boodram & The Marriage Pact

Believe it or not, we have been making episodes of Dates & Mates for over a DECADE – and now we’re excited to welcome in both loyal and brand new listeners for Season 11!

As mentioned last week, we have developed a new and improved, shorter format of the show. You’ll still hear all of the info-packed interviews that you love every week with all-Dear Damona episodes sprinkled in here and there (so keep those questions coming – scroll to the bottom to find out how).

But we’ve got a hot topic to kick off the new season: marriage pacts. This topic has been moving back into the limelight these days as Roku’s new show The Marriage Pact sets out to analyze the friendship-to-relationship pathway. And, we HAD to know more!!

The show is hosted by friend and former Dates & Mates guest, two time best-selling author, certified sexologist and host of the Lovers & Friends podcast, Shan Boodram. 

And that’s why we HAD to have Shan join us for the Dates & Mates Season 11 Premiere to talk about why YOU might want to consider a marriage pact.

 

DATING DISH

Damona will still be dishing on all the hottest dating news, BUT the Dating Dish segment will now live on TikTok and Instagram (so we can see YOUR hot takes in the comments).

 

SHAN BOODRAM (2:00)

Shan is a two time best-selling author, certified sexologist and host of the Lovers & Friends podcast. She can be seen hosting Roku’s new show The Marriage Pact, streaming for free!

(2:50) Define “marriage pact.”

In case you forgot, a marriage pact is an agreement between two people (usually friends) that agree to pursue a marriage or partnership if neither of them is married by a certain age. So as the host of The Marriage Pact, Shan assists these pairs in navigating whether or not to pursue a friends-to-lovers relationship. Damona asks Shan for her thoughts on the most difficult marriage pact scenarios, and the two discuss the differences between settling vs. settling down vs. securing.

(9:55) The pillars of LTC…

You may have heard Damona mention her pillars of long-term compatibility – shared goals, shared values, trust, and conflict resolution. Although Shan offers that in her book, attraction often comes into play in those pillars. Shan also offers her thoughts on the power of marriage pacts – one perk being that if you’re a self-sabotager, having a specific timeline can push you to make a definitive decision about your future.

(20:05) The pandemic-dating ripple effect.

Damona and Shan debrief on the most prominent dating trends that came out as a result of the pandemic, and how they have evolved in the last two years. These trends include being more “consciously single,” prioritizing mental health, and how some singles prefer to find pen pals over dating apps rather than meet IRL. Ghosting also appears to be a RAMPANT behavioral trend nowadays, and Damona and Shan break down why this is.

Be sure to follow Shan Boodram on Instagram @ShanBoodram and check out The Marriage Pact on Roku for free!

 

DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on a future Dear Damona episode!

Proposing to Him & Couple Covid Finances

QUESTION FOR THE LADIES: WOULD YOU EVER PROPOSE TO YOUR MAN?

I hope you were inspired by the success stories that we featured in last week’s episode Quarantine Love Questions. Hearing stories of new love made us want to share more success stories with you. So today’s episode is about the BIG moment in one couple’s relationship.

You know that moment when a guy gets down on one knee and asks the girl to marry him? Well this story is exactly like that but the roles are reversed and the woman is the one doing the proposing.

via GIPHY

Today we’ll explore why women don’t feel comfortable making the first move with Jenn and Sean, an engaged couple who is writing their own rules on love.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines! 

DATING DISH (3:15)

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green call in quits

The first Hollywood couple to report that their relationship ended in quarantine. Damona reports.

via GIPHY

How to weather the oncoming financial crisis

It is widely known that a lot of conflict in relationships centers around finances. In this current financial crisis, the University of Arizona gives us a study on how couples can ease the burden on their relationship.

via GIPHY

COVID Season’s Hottest Dating Profile Musthave

Singles across the country are flaunting their coronavirus antibody results. Is this actually hot or not?

via GIPHY

HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE LOVED? (10:45)

Question for the ladies: Would you ever propose to your man?

Way back when my husband and I were dating, there was a period where I was just waiting for the proposal to happen. 

He knew he was going to propose. He knew I knew he was going to propose. But the days kept coming and there was no ring in sight.

I thought about proposing to him, but I just couldn’t do it. However this week, I talked to one woman who took the reins into her own hands.

A few months ago, Jenn got down on her knee and proposed to her boyfriend, Sean! 

When I heard their story, I had A TON of questions, and I know you do, too.

On today’s episode of Dates & Mates, they share their story and I analyze what modern daters can learn from it.

This is a really cute story but we also get a better understanding of when and why women should make the first move plus take a peek inside the mind of men who are ready for commitment.

Here’s a pic they snapped just before they went on their life-changing hike!

TECHNICALLY DATING (32:00)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Voicemail: What’s a good response for when someone asks you “why have you not been married?” I always answer that I haven’t found the right one
  •  Iris in San Diego, sent us these questions: “What will be the impact on marriages? Will the divorce rate go up?” 
  • I went through a breakup last month…and shortly after I lost an extended family member. I feel that I can’t properly grieve either one of these events. Do you have any advice?

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12

Hello lovers. Welcome to dates in mates. I hope you were inspired by the love stories that we featured on last week’s episode, quarantined love questions. You know, hearing stories of new love just made me want to share more success stories with you. So today’s episode is about the big moment in one couples relationship. You know, that moment when a guy gets down on one knee and asks the girl to marry him? Well, this story is exactly like that. But the roles are reversed and the woman is the one who did the proposing. My nine year old daughter asked me the other day, why is it that the man always asks the woman My husband who was in the room at the time, he replied, he was kind of burying some male shame when he said this, that it was a relic of another time in history when women couldn’t really choose who they married. So he goes on. Do you know who the man used to propose to? And she looked at him confused. And he says, the father of the bride. And for the sake of future generations, I was glad to see that this response totally threw her for a loop. She had no idea what he meant by that. And it always bothered my husband that there was this expectation that he had to ask for my hand in marriage, since he saw me as my own individual person with freewill not a piece of property belonging to the Resnick family. Yeah, so ultimately, my husband did propose and he did, as he says, alert my parents to his plans, although he will swear that he did not Call it asking for permission. My dad looks at another way. Regardless, we all got the outcome that we wanted. But as a feminist I have always wondered, why didn’t? Why did we even have to go through that ridiculous dance at all? Why didn’t I just ask him? I knew months and months, maybe even a year earlier that I wanted to marry this man. What was it that kept me from just proposing to him? Well, today, I’ll explore that question with Jen and Shawn and engaged couple who are writing their own rules on love. But first, we got to get you up to speed on this week’s headlines. We’ll talk about a new study on how couples can weather the oncoming financial COVID storm and spring’s hottest dating profile must have plus our first major celebrity breakup announcement of Corona season. Then we’ll be answering your questions like How do you respond to the Why haven’t you been married question and will Coronavirus increase your chance of divorce All that and more on today’s dates and mates Now,

 

Unknown Speaker  3:15  

let’s dish these dating dish.

 

Damona  3:19  

Brian Austin green and Megan Fox are officially calling it quits on his podcast with Brian Austin green. You got you guys know Brian Austin green. He was on Beverly Hills 90210. And then the reboot of Beverly Hills nine to one. Oh, well, he said that he and Megan Fox who’s like maybe the hottest woman ever born. They have been separated for months after realizing that they’ve grown apart and Megan actually said something in an interview about traveling for work and realizing that she was happier away from her husband than she was together with him and I’m sure for Brian Austin Korean must really sting Like, he’s definitely not going to find a sexier wife, like megan fox is the pinnacle. But it also goes to show you that sometimes you don’t know what’s under the surface of a relationship. And we know the relationship has been Rocky. They started dating in 2004. They got married in 2010. And then apparently they were going to split I think we even covered on the show before, they filed for divorce in 2015. But then they reconciled before the birth of their third child. So now they have three, three kids together. And Megan is saying they’re still going to do family vacations together. And I know a lot of couples want to do this. When there’s a breakup, they’re like, we just want to keep everything like it was. But it’s not like it was you’re not romantically involved together. And believe me, I know of couples that have done this successfully, but I just want to take our foot off the gas and if you’re finding yourself in this situation, we can say what we ideally want to happen in the future. But don’t be too hard on yourself to try to make everything okay for the kids, especially in the middle of a pandemic, something as serious as this, things are going to unfold the way they’re going to unfold. And I for one, I’m sorry that this couple didn’t make it, but I’m sure they will both move on and be happier in the long run. If you are facing some financial trouble. Turns out your relationship may also be in trouble too. There was an interesting article that came out on how couples can weather the COVID financial storm and it gave a lot of great just general relationship advice on how to manage this time including they call it relationship maintenance behaviors, like respecting one another being there for one another and showing love and affection for one another. Which is great and easy to say. And I know a lot of you guys listen to this show, or hear me on other shows talking about like just communicate just just work through it together. But it really is at the core of, of your relationship lasting. So if we just break that down to like what is showing love and affection for one another look like, like at the end of each day. At this point, I’m doing a lot more work than my husband is I produce this podcast, I also produce another podcast called I make a living for the freshbooks brand. I have dating coaching clients, there’s a lot happening. And so my husband is taking on the burden right now of managing the kids and homeschooling. So I make sure at the end of every day, I just say to him, I love you, I appreciate you, thank you for doing this so that I can provide for our family and do other things that are really important. So that might be a good place to start if you’re starting to feel some of those, that friction. And then this article also reminded that receiving financial support from family and friends was associated with higher levels of commitment. For the couples that were studied in, in the study that this article references, so I know a lot of you, you, you want to feel like you can do it on your own, but this is the time to remember that it takes a village. It really does. And you may need to lean on your parents, your brothers and sisters, your extended family a little bit right now so that you can keep yourself from going underwater. It’s the reality that those who are struggling financially are going to have a tougher time making it through Coronavirus and the quarantines and the safer at home and I’m sure a lot of you. I’m speaking to a lot of you right now who are listening to this podcast. But just remember that there are resources out there for you and there are people in your, in your circle in your community, or in your family that want to support you through this because it’s not worth it to lose your relationship over financial challenges if it can be worked through it. You’ve heard me say on the show before, that a lot of times the financial challenges are an indicator of something else. So see if you can get to the root of what’s really going on. And make sure that you’re doing those things like respecting one another, showing love and affection and being there for each other during this time.

 

If you’re still single though, Coronavirus, might actually help you out in getting a date. There was an article that said singles are flaunting their COVID antibody test results now in dating profiles. I really wonder would you guys do this? Would you put your like, I’m, I’m negative. Like some some people have asked me if they should put STD test results in their dating profile. I think this is all a step a little bit too far. And this to me also shows a bit of a desperation for that connection or for having sex and moving offline really quickly and making people feel a little bit more comfortable that you are not that you do not have COVID. It’s the antibody test that they’re talking about. But I’m sure people are doing it also with the the current COVID test, which I actually just had today, and it was super easy. I live in California where it’s free, and anyone can sign up for it. If you’re not somewhere where you can get a test like See if you can go in your doctor’s office, because it’s just great for peace of mind. I don’t believe that I have it. I guess I’ll let you guys know next week. But just to know where I stand and as as we start to open our circle out more as we start to move back into dating. You want to know your status. And so it is sort of like the new STI, you have to know where you stand and then communicate that to someone else if you’re going to be intimate, but I do think putting it on your dating profile, maybe a step too far. Those are the headlines for this week. But I have an epic love story coming your way in just a moment. So don’t go anywhere.

 

Welcome back. As most of you know, I classify myself as a feminist dating coach, and I want to push more women to take initiative in their love lives. But a lot of times we have this fear that making the first move will come off as desperate, or will intimidate men. But I know for a fact that this takes a lot of pressure off of men and can actually ease the connection and make you more likely to move into the relationship of your dreams. So I got to interview one couple who shows us what it looks like when a woman takes charge in their relationship. A few months ago, Jen got down on one knee and proposed to her boyfriend, Shawn. Yeah, you heard that right. She asked him to marry her. Obviously, I had tons of questions, and I’m sure you do too. So I’m excited to share their love story with you In a nutshell, Shawn and Jen met in their undergrad dorm hot tub seven years ago and have been together ever since. I also did ask questions about the dorm hot tub. I’m like, how do you get this dorm hot tub? I can’t even get a hot tub in my house and they had it at school. But that I digress. Jen has always taken the lead in their relationship. She actually was the first to add him on Facebook. This was like the beginning of their relationship. And that was a huge relief to Shawn. I was like, Oh, cool.

 

Unknown Speaker  11:33  

Yeah, 50% of the legwork.

 

Damona  11:38  

Yes. Wait, talk to me more about that. Because a lot of times people I say that all the time on the show that women should be proactive. And I know we’re gonna be talking about more about women being proactive in your relationship, but I get a lot of pushback. What was keeping you from reaching out to her first

 

Unknown Speaker  11:55  

at the time, I was very nervous of like, just like communicating with the audience. It sucks because it wasn’t my strong suit. So this thing is really cool because it already has kind of started us off on this whole connection thing. Just like a whole new world.

 

Damona  12:10  

You messaged her first though.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:12  

Uh, yeah, I messaged her and said something to the effect of I don’t mean to be that guy asking someone out over Facebook, but, uh, maybe you would you want to go get coffee sometime. And then I said,

 

Unknown Speaker  12:27  

Well, I don’t really like coffee, but I’ll go get hot chocolate with you.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:31  

Yeah. And then I was like, Well, I don’t like coffee either. So let’s both get hot chocolate.

 

Damona  12:36  

Oh my gosh, you this is the perfect love story. I love it. You asked her out for a date that you didn’t even want to go out.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:45  

I didn’t know what to say. I was like, coffee is what people do right.

 

Damona  12:50  

And the rest is history. Within a year they moved in together, and their relationship moved quickly. But they agreed to take things one day at a time. You’ve heard me say that. on the show before, Jen had some relationship fears, though, that brought her to this defining moment in their love story.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:07  

I had some issues, you know, you always have your first heartbreak. And I work in theater. So I would travel and do summer stock theater and things. And the first summer after we had got together, I offered basically, if he wanted to just have an open relationship for the summer because I didn’t want to get cheated on. Because that I found out that that had happened to me before he kind of in that moment, like, pulled me in and said, No, I don’t want to do that.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:38  

I was like, that’s not really something I’m comfortable with. So I’m gonna go with no but thank you from

 

Damona  13:44  

Yeah, that’s so interesting. That’s so interesting because you were operating Jen based off of your prior experiences, even though nothing that Shawn was telling you in the in that moment, it sounded like lead you believe that’s what he wanted. And it sounds like it wasn’t really what you wanted. And it

 

Unknown Speaker  14:04  

yeah, it wasn’t. And it definitely made me emotional and made me really appreciate him. And I knew a lot like more in my heart that he was there for me.

 

Damona  14:16  

Yeah. And being a relationship minded, female and dating coach. I’m really curious, Shawn, what is going through your head in that moment? And what it takes for a man to commit I do have a lot of female listeners on the show. And many of them would tell me that they feel men are afraid of commitment that if they say anything, like if that conversation had gone differently, and Jen was like, I need you to commit right now. Like, are we is this relationship going anywhere? that that would make a man run away. So what was it the way that she phrased it that helped you realize the role that she really played in your life, or were there certain characteristics that you were looking for in a long term relationship that she lined up with? Or maybe something else?

 

Unknown Speaker  15:09  

And in that particular moment, like I could tell she’s very vulnerable. She was, you know, kind of opening herself up to me. And I didn’t. I don’t know, it never really sat right with me of, like, dating around. I just, I don’t know, I kind of always have been just like, I’m focusing on one thing at a time, so I’m kind of committed to this. Mm hmm.

 

Damona  15:34  

Can you guys talk to me about your parents, relationships and the relationships that were modeled for you when you were young?

 

Unknown Speaker  15:42  

Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  15:43  

yeah. So both of our parents were divorced.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:46  

Both of our dads went on to remarry,

 

Unknown Speaker  15:51  

mind multiple times.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:54  

And both of our moms are single and happy that way. Not Not looking for. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  16:02  

something new. And both of both of our moms are pretty much our central parental figure. Yeah.

 

Damona  16:10  

So Did either of you have either before the time that you met or during the relationship, have a vision of what a healthy relationship would look like for you or what your relationship goals were at the time, we both wanted one partner that we would commit to neither of us were afraid of commitment. So let’s fast forward a year together now for many years for over 77 years. And you met an undergrad, so you’re still relatively young. But that’s a long time to be with someone. And also, that’s a sort of pivotal time in people’s lives, where they’re figuring out what, who they want to be who they want to be with. And you’re going through that, considering the needs also Have a partner How did that? Did you ever feel like you were missing out on, you know, playing the field and being 20 something and foolish?

 

Unknown Speaker  17:14  

No. I do like get a lot of almost social pressure of people saying like, like, if you haven’t been with other guys, how do you know that? That’s what you want. For me. It’s just kind of like, I’ve never not been happy with what I have. Why would I? Why would I like ruin this to go find out that this is what I wanted the whole time.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:40  

And that’s pretty much how it feels for me as well. Like I’ve been happy the past seven years. Like why would I give up something that brings me joy?

 

Unknown Speaker  17:48  

Yeah. I love that.

 

Damona  17:50  

So you’re together seven years. Talk me through the proposal. I want to hear it from both sides of this story. This is really You know, I’ve also been asked, I, in my relationship sort of a lead through a lot of the milestones. And at the time when my husband and I were dating, I was making a lot more money than he was. And that was sort of a sticking point for him. He didn’t want to propose until he felt like he had his financial life together, and he could be a caretaker for another person or for a family. And people have asked me Well, why didn’t you just propose them because there was this whole period of just like waiting and waiting and waiting for him to feel secure enough, even though we both knew that the relationship was what we wanted. And I have to admit, like I am super modern on most relationship norms, but this was one area where I was like, I don’t know why I just couldn’t do it. So that takes a lot of chutzpah as my people would JOHN, for you to take the initiative in a world where it’s so it’s just not really considered traditional. It’s not traditional for a woman to be the one proposing. Yeah. Did you ever grapple with like these big questions of what does that mean for our relationship or who I am as a woman? Oh, I had,

 

Unknown Speaker  19:21  

you know, I went through a lot of the same thoughts as you. And there was a time where I told Sean, I wasn’t going to propose to him. He had to do it. And it was it, you know, when I decided like, when I finally decided in that moment, I had been like, MIT This is stupid. Like, I’m not gonna wait for I’m sure he can explain you know, what he was thinking, but I was like, I’m not gonna wait for whatever, you know, he feels like needs to happen for him to feel like he’s in a good spot to propose because I’m in a good spot to propose. And, you know, we either we know this is happening, or we’ll have to figure things out.

 

Damona  20:12  

You know that she’s the one, right, what’s stopping you from taking the bull by the horns.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:18  

So it’s kind of funny. I was in a bit of a similar situation, as you’d mentioned with your husband and always finances. So 2019 was a pretty rough year for me because I had racked up quite a bit of credit card debt from going to grad school and my car was on its last limb because I had about 338,000 miles on it and how to get in a car. So

 

Damona  20:46  

that’s impressive. You got it that far. Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:48  

Toyota, everybody by Toyota.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:53  

had that. I’m not being paid, I swear.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:57  

But uh, you know, I just couldn’t On this huge financial transaction, I was like diverting a ton of my money to paying off credit card debt. And then I had finished paying off all my credit card debt at the end of the year. I was like, Alright, this is gonna be the big year. We’re gonna do some traveling finally started talking about like, you know, future house plans to start coming up, even though we live in LA and I don’t know how we’re ever gonna afford a house out here.

 

Damona  21:30  

But Jen knew what she wanted. She decided to propose anyway.

 

Unknown Speaker  21:34  

People say there’s the Seven Year Itch like people who have gotten married start to realize they’re not right for each other something and we’re at that point, and we’re realizing that were even more right for each other, but about, I don’t know, half a year ago or so we opened up into even deeper conversation about, like fears of the future and maybe doubts that we had with each other and communicated about that. And it was really, honestly a really rough conversation. Like things that people who do not want to be in relationships look at. And they’re like, yeah, that’s exactly what I don’t want. We got through that night, and I made the decision, right. And that I was going to propose to Sean, I was going to ask him at some point. So I guess that might have been the moment that you know, I knew I was going to lock him in. When you flip and it’s not normal for the woman to propose. There’s not like the same expectations. So I had to figure out about like, doing a ring, what I would do, I wanted to get a ring, but I really wanted Shawn to like it. I really didn’t know what Shawn was. Want for that? So I decided to get some cufflinks and then a few engagement presidents for the day. Also knew I knew the first thing I knew is that I wanted to do it somewhere out in nature with just the two of us. Because you know, Sean is not a crowds person. Yeah, he wouldn’t appreciate a big, like crazy fancy proposal, you know, coordinating dancing or singing or anything like that. So I had to get him. I had to like, figure out a way to get him to agree to go to Death Valley National Park we hadn’t been to yet. And so we took my car, which made it easy for me to pack in all of the presence without him seeing and the cufflinks and my side door on the driver side. I had to keep stopping him from like, going in the Trying to get anything when we were setting up I would keep like I would find ways to like either if he was going to the trunk grab the stuff he wanted really quick first and put it out so that he would grab it before getting to the trunk.

 

Damona  24:12  

Yeah, I mean we have our she acting weird. Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  24:14  

I was just like, Oh, cool. She’d be nice. Like, she’s just gonna get

 

Damona  24:20  

I don’t know, I hadn’t seen you have no idea

 

Unknown Speaker  24:22  

at this. No, I had not noticed that. She was like, actively stopping me from going to the car.

 

Unknown Speaker  24:29  

He didn’t know until the moment of

 

Unknown Speaker  24:32  

Yeah, I did not know until quite literally, like started off with the speech which we’ll get to. Then, um, her getting down on one knee. So

 

Damona  24:44  

yeah, um, Okay, tell me about the speech. I want to hear both.

 

Unknown Speaker  24:47  

So I wanted to go to artists palette and Death Valley, which is really like Scott, all these C’s Painted Hills. I knew that we could find a place where we’d be alone. There. My plan was we share a backpack when we hike. So my plan was to put the cufflinks in the backpack and carry the backpack. But we get there and Shawn immediately grabs the backpack. And so I had, I was like, Oh, great. Now what do I do? Sean wouldn’t put down the camera. I was taking so many pictures taking off. Like, being a goofball. Like he is and him taking pictures of me and I was like, how do I get him to be serious for a second? And then I started you know, making more eye contact with him and, and not like being a little quieter. And then I think I I think maybe I actually told him put the camera down for a second. Yeah. So finally, like I had his attention, and he actually snapped a picture right before I proposed of me, which was amazing. And so I started saying, you know, hey, love. We’ve been together for over seven years now. And we’re doing better than we could have imagined. And I start at the end and he cuts me off and he says, Oh, I see. I get it, I get it. You’re dropping hints like this would be a great place for me to propose to you. And I was like, No, that’s not what I’m

 

Unknown Speaker  26:32  

doing. dropping a much bigger hint.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:35  

And kind of like, he caught my momentum there. So I was fumbling a little, and that I don’t really know what I said next. And I swear it took eternity for me to get the cufflinks out of the box. And that I in that moment, I didn’t know if I didn’t plan beforehand. If I I was going to get down on one knee because I thought, you know, it might be weird. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. But in that moment, I totally understood. And I got down on one knee because you feel completely vulnerable. And you know, your life is in the other person’s hands. It feels like and I opened up the box and I said, Will you marry me? And

 

Unknown Speaker  27:28  

he was shocked.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:30  

Yeah, I was pretty much completely taken aback. He

 

Unknown Speaker  27:34  

stopped talking.

 

Damona  27:37  

How and how long was this pause before he replied.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:40  

No, like eternity.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:42  

I don’t know. I probably want to say a couple of seconds. Yes,

 

Unknown Speaker  27:45  

probably. Yeah, ultimately, I’m

 

Unknown Speaker  27:47  

sure it felt like the absolute worst three seconds of her before

 

Unknown Speaker  27:53  

pounding.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:56  

Oh, I didn’t say yes. He said.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:57  

Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:59  

Yeah. case that

 

Unknown Speaker  28:00  

gratulate me down.

 

Damona  28:04  

For a second, I was like, what’s he gonna say? So now you’re engaged. And you’ve got to tell everybody else in your world about this. I imagine. Like, I come from a somewhat traditional gender roles family. I and, and there was this whole thing of like, my dad wanted my husband to call, he’s probably listening right now I’m gonna get hate mail from him. He wanted my husband to call and ask his permission to ask me to marry him. And my husband didn’t. He’s like, you’re your own person. Like you’re, you’re not a piece of property that I need to get permission to take away. Yeah. So

 

Unknown Speaker  28:47  

he,

 

Damona  28:48  

so he did say I’m planning to ask him to marry. Did you like get anyone’s quote permission to ask Shawn and how did your parents react when you finally told you

 

Unknown Speaker  29:00  

I thought about it, you know, I thought about honestly actually going to his mom. But I ended up deciding not to I wanted it to be more of a surprise. At this point. Everyone had been asking us when you get married Anyway, you know, since we were in Death Valley National Park, we didn’t have any service for a lot of the time. So we could get some text out to some people. But obviously, we didn’t want to tell our parents through text.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:31  

Hey, by the way, got engaged.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:32  

Yeah. So we waited and we were driving out later that night and we called our parents we told them and they were they were all pretty supportive for the most part. My favorite story is that I we called and we told my grandparents on my mom’s side, and my grandma answered the phone and I say Hey Grandma, just calling let you know that Shawn and I are engaged. And she’s like, Oh my gosh, that’s great. And I said, I propose to him, you know, cuz I was so proud of myself, right? She’s like, Oh, wow. And she turns and you can hear my grandpa in the background and she turns to my grandpa and says, Jenny and Shawna engaged. She proposed to him. My grandpa in the background says yeah, cuz he wasn’t gonna do it.

 

Unknown Speaker  30:32  

And then my grandma turns back on the phone and says, He says that’s really sweet.

 

Damona  30:41  

You can totally hear him

 

Unknown Speaker  30:43  

had a total there’s a question though relationship with her grandparents or grandpa specifically but then he threw all that shade I never seen them.

 

Unknown Speaker  30:53  

Oh, he’s harmless. I you know what, Larry, Shawn

 

Damona  30:56  

there’s there’s sometimes truth in kidding. So good. No, what would you have? Would you have proposed? If she had waited?

 

Unknown Speaker  31:05  

Yes, this was the year this is gonna be the big year.

 

Damona  31:09  

So honest question do you feel at all like, robbed of that opportunity to be the one who did the proposing?

 

Unknown Speaker  31:16  

No, because we’re in this together. Like, she got to have that moment. But I mean, I’m sharing it too, because now we’re engaged.

 

Damona  31:24  

Oh, that’s so beautiful. I love beautiful stories like this. So thank you for giving us faith that sometimes you don’t have to do things the way that we’ve always seen in the movies and the fairy tales, you can carve your own path. Thank you so much for being here.

 

Unknown Speaker  31:37  

Thank you.

 

Damona  31:39  

Jen says they’re taking this quarantine one day at a time as well. And they plan to get married in the fall of next year. I love love, don’t you and I love people who write their own love stories. Congratulations to Jen and Shawn. I hope all of you can have a happy ending just like theirs. And if you do, I would love to share it on a future episode. Out of this show to help you get to your happy ever after I have answers to your relationship questions coming right up. Welcome back to dates and mates. Do you have serious dating and relationship worries right now, if you need more support and love or if you just want to get access to special bonus content, our first 200 episodes, live community chats and other special resources inside of the private dates and mates community. I invite you to join me@patreon.com slash dates and mates. The entry level is just five bucks and your membership dollars will go towards bigger and better things that we have planned and we will be bringing to you on dates and mates. If you’ve been listening to the show for a while and you’ve learned a new dating or relationship skill or you just enjoy hearing me talk about what’s happening and dating news and hearing other people’s questions getting answered. We would love to have your support Again, you just go to patreon.com, slash dates and mates. And then you can join the club and become one of my friends with benefits. All right, on to the questions. This one is a voicemail that came in from our listener, Jacqueline, what’s a good response for the question of why have you not been married before, and the example I’m going to use is myself. I am 48. I have been in relationships, and I have dated and been on online sites and I’ve taken breaks and so now I’m looking to get back out there again. And I just wanted to know what you would say to someone who asked that, because I feel like what I say and what my answer is, just doesn’t really work and needs a new spin. Mine is because I haven’t found the right one

 

Unknown Speaker  33:52  

yet. So I would be very curious as to what you would say to this question. People be so nosy on

 

Damona  33:58  

dating apps. Don’t Jacqueline, why have you not been married as if it’s their business as if that’s not information that is to be earned further down the road? There are so many reasons I’m sure why someone has not yet been married. You. I mean, I took my time to choose the right person. And people would always ask me like, why are you still single? That’s another question I’m sure that you’ve heard before. Because you are choosing you’re not just falling into a relationship with the wrong person. Or maybe there’s other stuff that you’re working through either in your family history or your personal life, or maybe you’ve just had some other life goals, whatever it is. It’s none of their business and it doesn’t relate to the relationship at hand. Now I have gotten I have gotten statements from listeners before that say, Well, I won’t date anyone. I won’t date a guy who Is unmarried over 40 because it means XYZ or I won’t date a woman who’s never been married, because it means something we’re attaching meaning to prior relationship history, we’re attaching meaning to stories that we’ve heard. And that’s not fair to you. And that’s not fair to them because they may be cutting off the potential for something really great with you. Because they’re asking his dumb question that they think might actually tell them how the relationship is going to play out. Because really, that’s at the root of that question, right? If I invest my time in a relationship with you, and if I fall in love with you, what will happen to me? Will you be willing to marry me? Will you break my heart? Will you Is there some sort of a red flag that I can see now, that can prevent me from that sort of heartache? But you know, if you’ve been listening to the show, we we have to go through the process. You are going to get knocked out A few times before you can stay up. So I would say twist it around in a flirty way. And do not answer that question. directly. You could say, well, why do you want to know? Or you could say, well, because I haven’t met you yet, or you could say anything that lets them know that that question is not going to be on the table until you are further down the line in your relationship. Iris in San Diego sent us this question, what will be the impact on marriages of Coronavirus? Will the divorce rate go up? Now, you heard me say on the show before right at the beginning of when Coronavirus was hitting in the United States. China was coming out of there several week lockdown and according to stats that I saw there, the divorce filings were up about 25% as the lockdown restrictions are easing. So what this tells me is that Corona A virus is an amplifier. There’s the aspect of, you know, the life and death aspect and in making you really take stock of your life and how you want to spend it and who you want to spend it with, then there’s the added stress of just being in close quarters with someone that you’re not used to spending all day every day with. But I’m hopeful that that means it just brought those relationship challenges to a head more quickly and all at the same time. And that in the following years, we will see a decline and more of a stabilization of the relationships that made it through it because honestly, if you can make it through this with your partner, you can make it through anything. This is hard as hell you guys. This is super hard, and if you can stay together through it, then I really have confidence that you can last. This person sent their question to NPR as well. He said I went through a breakup last month and shortly after I lost an extended family member I feel that I can’t properly grieve either one of these events. Do you have any advice? Well, first of all, I just want to say, I’m so sorry that you went through that. And that you are, you are in this grieving place. A lot of us have lost people close to us. And a lot of people have lost relationships too, and losing a relationship. Even though it’s not necessarily as serious as losing a life of someone in your life. It is losing that person in your life, all the same. And so it does need a grieving process. Whether you were together for a month or a year or 10 years, you do have to give yourself time to process what happened and, and how you feel about that and where it’s leaving you right now. So if you can’t say what you wish you could say to that person, maybe try writing them a letter and this is a letter that you will need Never, ever, ever, ever send. And maybe you will burn in a cathartic ritual when you’re done. But maybe write them a letter to say the things that you wish you could have said. And sometimes that’s enough to just get those feelings out. Sometimes that can get you closer to the healing. And then I’ll go back to something that I said earlier in the show, remember that you have people around you, to support you. And don’t be afraid to reach out and be a little bit vulnerable, be a little bit messy. Tell your friends or tell your siblings or your parents, that you’re hurting right now and you need someone to talk to. And even if we can’t see one another face to face right now, sometimes a phone call or a video chat can be what we need to just bridge that divide and remind you that even though we’re separated, we are not alone. That’s it for today’s episode. This is 311 of dates and mates. Don’t be shy send me your dating and relationship questions. I am here to help. You can DM me on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram. I’m at damona Hoffman, or leave me a voicemail. That number is 424-246-6255. And just like Jacqueline, you can hear your beautiful voice and I can hear your beautiful voice on the show. And let’s spread the love today. Why don’t you share this episode with a friend, someone who needs to hear some of the advice that I just gave in technically dating or someone who needs to hear the story of Shawn and Jen. I will be back next week with Aaron Murkowski who teaches flirting skills for the Art of Charm. And she’s going to give us advice on how to start moving back into the real world with flirtatiousness and fun. Until next week. I wish you happy dating

 

Dear Damona: Quarantine Love Questions

LOVE LOCKDOWN

For the past 2 months, my DMs have been flooded with your questions about love in the time of coronavirus. They have been coming in so fast that I’ve barely been able to keep up and of course the situation has been changing moment to moment.

So today’s special episode of Dates & Mates is 100% dedicated to answering your specific corona love questions.

So this week we’re answering some listener questions!

DEAR DAMONA

Damona answers listener questions about love and dating in this unprecedented time. She gives advice on: 

What to do when you’re engaged but have never spent this much time together? (4:45)

Hi Damona, this is Patty. I’m based in Atlanta, Georgia. And I just had a question for you. So I have been with my fiance for the past month almost three years, which is great. We’re actually supposed to get married this Summer but we’re going to have to reschedule. So that’s not fun. But the most interesting thing about these last six months weeks of working from home together. We just never spent that much time together before good thing is we still like each other. We still want to get married and we’ve not had too many major issues. But I just want to make sure that we’re taking care of each other and giving each other our space and I guess my real question is how do we make sure we don’t go and say nor into big fights and give each other space during this time because we love each other, but we just spending so much time together. So that’s my question.

How to keep moving towards marriage in a pandemic? (9:15)

Lockdown occurred 5 months into us dating. We FaceTime a lot and it’s going great! I want to define the relationship but the timing of this is a bit extreme since we haven’t seen each other in person in many weeks. How do I stay the course and keep the romantic relationship moving towards marriage coming out of a pandemic?

How do you break up during quarantine? (12:00)

How do you break up during this Quarantine? Or do you just let it ride till we are out of this?

When is it okay to move from sexting to sex in a pandemic? (14:20)

Is it ok to do an in-person date after getting tested negative for corona?

Can healthcare workers even date right now? (19:40)

I’m an RN and I’m volunteering to go to NYC to help the crisis. Being sent in a week. I should probably just assume I’m not gonna be dating anyone for a while considering I’ll still have a 2 week quarantine even after I’m done, right?

What are the best apps to meet right now? (21:35)

Now that all of us in America and Europe are stuck at home, what are the best apps or ways to virtually meet people around the world?

How not to lean too much on your partner for emotional support? (24:20)

What are fair expectations to have? What is the appropriate way to deal with not seeing your partner for like..months or potentially longer? I also feel like its so easy to put more emotional weight on your partner when you are more isolated from other friends/emotional supports and I want to know about ways to mitigate that impulse

How will coronavirus change dating forever? (27:40)

Do you think Coronavirus and confinement will change the way we date deeply? I believe being reminded collectively that we can all be sick and we will all die can push us towards more meaningful connections but is this naive?

DID YOU HEAR THE GOOD NEWS?

Do you want to hear more about Shannon and Mel’s Quarantine Love Success? Read all about it here! Shannon and her man give us the CUTEST quarantine date idea.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Unknown Speaker  0:00  

What does his text me so frustrated? He’s just not that into me. I’ve always been bad for attention. I’m ready for

Damona  0:12  

modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers. Welcome to dates in mates. You know for the past two months, my DMS have been flooded with questions about love in the time of Coronavirus. They have been coming in so fast and so furious that I’ve barely been able to keep up and of course the situation has been changing moment to moment. So today, we have a special deer damona episode that is 100% dedicated to answering your specific korona love questions before we get to tackling the challenges. I’d like to start off with a quarantine love success story from one of our listeners Shannon. after a breakup. She attended my 30 day dating playbook webinar in January and found love soon after. Here’s her story.

Unknown Speaker  1:06  

Normally I’m pretty picky about like distance. So I normally kind of do the whole five left like nope, nope, nope, too far no piece too short. Nope. I mean, I listened to your podcast and I was laughing like, that’s kind of me. I kind of go through that and don’t even really dig deeper because the superficial stuff. So this time around, I was like, Okay, I need to listen to the voice I’ve been hearing from damona. And so this guy pops up. So I messaged him and so we started chatting and just kind of hit it off and he’s lived an hour away. But I thought you know what he needed to be open minded to go for this. And instantly he was had great questions. He was interested in me he was like, if he remembered things he’d ask me a question and then you know, the next day he might remember what he asked me the day before and check in on me and just really was just all around proving to me quickly that he was pretty amazing. We went out on a Tuesday and We did the whole phone call first because I know that’s a big thing too. I was like, okay, gotta do the phone call before we leave here. So all this was like, right smack before, you know all the quarantine stuff. And so we had planned to see each other again on March 15. Our plan was I was going to go to where he lives and I was going to come and see him for the day. Well, that Friday was when they shut everything down. From then on. We’ve just had these like quarantine pipes at home, get to know you fast forward. No clutter, no people around kind of experience. And I know there’s probably a little bit of pros and cons with that. I think I’m typically kind of a fast relationship person, I need people and it kind of goes too fast and we get to know each other and the kids are involved in the families involved in a big ordeal. But this time, it went fast in a way that was just he and I like totally getting to know each other totally, you know Trying to figure out okay, well we’re gonna hang out for the next three days. What should we do? Like we can’t go anywhere. We can’t go to restaurants we can’t go to the movies like we can’t go to bars like we would typically do on a date. And so you know, we went on hike, and we took the dog for a walk and we ordered food in and we played cars, we played dominoes, we put a puzzle together and we cook together I bought a smashing little aprons and we cook together. And we were just kind of doing what we could do is what we had. And in the meantime, when we weren’t seeing each other, it was kind of funny because I have it on my phone. So we have this whole list in our in our notes on our phone that we’ve shared, of all the things we want to do when everything opens up because we’ve now said I love you. We’ve now like fully committed to each other and all of a sudden is debt. But yet I’ve never been to the movie with him. I’ve never been really in a bar with him. We haven’t done any Have those traditional things that you would do? Yeah, it’s been pretty interesting. And we’ve spent the time away from each other really digging deep and getting to know each other and like there’s definitely been a lot of God signs where we are things that just prove that okay, maybe maybe this is the one I’ve finally been waiting for.

Damona  4:15  

Shannon also told us about an adorable quarantine date that they had. You can listen to it and see pictures of Shannon and her man on the blog at dates and mates calm. If you need a sweet date idea or you’re craving a romantic story. This is it my friends, check it out at dates and maids calm. Hopefully you find Shannon’s story as inspiring as I do. I want that same happy ending for you too. But I know you have a lot of questions right now. So it’s time to get to the heart of the matter and see what’s on your mind.

Unknown Speaker  4:48  

Hi, Damona This is Patti. I’m based in Atlanta, Georgia, and I just had a question for you. So I have been with my fiance for the past. almost three years, which is great. We’re actually supposed to get married this summer, but we’re gonna have to reschedule. So that’s not fun. But the most interesting thing about these last six weeks of working from home together, is we just never spent that much time together before. Good thing is we still like each other, we still want to get married. And we’ve not had too many major issues. But I just want to make sure that we’re taking care of each other and giving each other space. And I guess my real question is, how do we make sure we don’t go insane or get into big fights? And give each other space during this time? Because we love each other, but we just spending so much time together.

Damona  5:44  

Patti, first of all, I want to say congratulations on your marriage, your upcoming marriage. And also, I’m really sorry, there are so many big life events that are being canceled right now. And it does require us to take some time. to mourn that loss like so I’m sure that that is an element that is also affecting the interactions with your partner right now. So maybe just even give yourselves this time if you haven’t talked about it, to really let your feelings out over the fact that you can’t have the wedding that you wanted to have right now. Now, that aside, this is a great opportunity for you, you’re actually getting to work through a lot of the challenges that many couples don’t face until much further down the road. And you’re getting to see what that really is like in the worst case scenario. And I promise you, marriage is not as hard as quarantine relationships will be. I love that you said, you want to make sure that you’re taking care of each other. That is such a key fundamental thing to develop in a relationship to feel that you almost want more for the other person than you want for yourself. I’m not saying give everything away. That’s also not healthy, but I always try Try to think of the other person and how I can meet their needs first, and then hopefully, if you are with the right partner and it sounds like you are, that person will be doing the same for you. And if you’re both taking care of each other, then both of your needs are getting met. Now, in terms of conflict resolution, you want to make sure that you are focusing on listening, listening, listening, listening. And again, thinking of it from the other person’s perspective, especially in the time of quarantine, keeping in mind that he may be just feeling that pressure of finances, that’s also a big thing for men, making sure that they can provide and take care of you. Of course, ladies, we got our own stuff, but that’s still something that’s intrinsic in the way that men are brought up. So this is probably a very scary time for him as well. So make sure that you are sensitive to that and keeping that filter on everything. He’s saying to you, and then it’s really important that couples have their own space, their own physical space, or a process to help you recharge, so that you are coming to your partner with the best possible you. It’s also great if you can set up a schedule, like you would have had, when you were out of quarantine, you weren’t together all day, every day you were working, you were doing other things. Make sure you have that schedule still. And that you have times that you come back together. I talked on the show before about the importance of quarantine date nights, have that time where you can look forward to being together again. And then the time in between that that you are separated even if you’re in the same room. I love my apple EarPods Pro, they’re not paying me to say this but they have really amazing noise cancelling function where you can just block everything out focus on what you have to do and then when you are ready to focus on your partner. You can Focus on each other. And I really, really hope that you have the wedding that you dream of, maybe it’s not going to be this summer, but that you are really able to celebrate your love the way that you want to do it when the time is right.

Our next question came to us. In an email this person says locked down occurred five months into us dating, we facetimed a lot and it’s going great. I want to define the relationship at the timing of this is a bit extreme. Since we haven’t seen each other in person in many weeks. How do I stay the course and keep the romantic relationship moving towards marriage coming out of a pandemic? Hold on a second moving towards marriage. You’ve been dating five months and I know there are many relationships that are very successful after only dating a few weeks or months. But let’s not put the cart before the horse you had five months of dating and now you’ve had at least two months separation. So let’s just put the big M word aside for a minute, that may not be the path that we’re on and that is okay. It’s okay not to know. This is something that I really help my clients develop in my one on one coaching program, the comfortability with discomfort, right? Getting to be okay with not having the answers, not knowing where something is headed at every point. And you’ve heard me say this on the show before, as well. Being okay being in the moment and letting things unfold. We’ve kind of lost the sense of mystery. And a lot of times people think because I talk about dating, planning, and having a strategy for dating, that you should know every single thing that’s going to unfold for you know, we’re still dealing with people, we’re still dealing with emotions. We’re also in a pandemic, we’re dealing with an ever changing situation. So just let that sink in for a moment. And let’s just look at where you are right now. How can you be more connected virtually? Can you do some, some scheduled virtual dates? Can you send each other gifts across the miles? Can you create some sort of a ritual that reminds each other what you had when you were together two months ago? And then maybe you can make some plans about what you’d like to do together when all of this is over. But let’s not put too much pressure on the moment right now, because depending on where you are, this could be going on for a lot longer. And you don’t know this person may have changed during the pandemic, you may have changed. So try to release the expectation if you can. This question was sent to us from a listener in La

Unknown Speaker  12:02  

damona helped me with this whole quarantine? Is it okay to break up with somebody during the Korean team? And if so, do we do it on the phone? Can I FaceTime? Can I just send a text? Or do we have to wait until this is all over before we can break up with somebody they keep making plans for when we get out of this, I don’t want to be with them.

Damona  12:22  

Here’s the deal. We have a responsibility to find our best possible partner, the person that is going to make you the most happy. So by staying in a relationship that’s not right for you, you’re you’re actually blocking two people from their relationship destiny, you’re doing yourself a disservice and you’re doing that other person as a disservice. And I know we’re in a time where isolation feels really scary. And it feels really heavy because we’ve been in it for a while. So you may be thinking, should I just stay in this because it’s convenient because I have this person here or because it’s awkward to end things when we are not in the same space. But ultimately, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to take care of our emotional well being. And if being in a relationship with this person is dragging you down, that’s the last thing that you need added onto your plate when we have so much else that we are sorting through. So I would say if you can flip it in your mind and not think of it as like crushing this person, soul, but think about it as liberating that person and liberating yourself that will help you approach this person with compassion. When you do end it. Now, a breakup text, never, never The best way to handle it. But ideally, you want to do it with the most possible connection. So that may be a phone call, that may be a video call, that may even be a distance meeting. Now that’s going to be kind of hard in this particular situation, but if you can just visualize Eyes, the best possible option for yourself and then find a time to connect with that person not when they’re on the go not when they’re in the middle of work, but when you can have some dedicated time to let them know how much they have meant to you and what they’ve given to you. But to then release them to be able to find their best match so that you can do that too. So we have two questions that are similar that have come to us from Instagram asks, Is it okay to do an in person date after getting tested negative for Corona? and Jordan says when is it okay to move from sexting to sex in a pandemic, asking for all my friends, depending on where you are, I highly recommend getting tested. I’m here in Los Angeles where testing is free for all residents. So if you have that, take advantage of it. I do recommend that once you get tested that your partner also gets tested this is like the new STI actually research shows that Corona virus is actually active in the sperm of people who have the virus. So it is an STI technically, we don’t know how that may transmit sexually, okay. So, we have to also consider if you are having sex with someone, it may pass through sperm, it may also pass through saliva, it may you going to be touching faces potentially I, there’s just a lot of risk. So you have to protect yourself and protect the other person. But just like with STI s, I think you can say I’ve gotten tested, have you and I’d love to be intimate with you. But I want to make sure we’re both being safe. That can get you from sexting to sex in a pandemic, but I think this is a time to not take connections lightly because it literally can be life or death is sex with this person worth your life. You have to make that decision. But a lot of people aren’t taking this as seriously as it truly is. I would say try to save it if you can. May is also masturbation month. We haven’t talked about that much on the show but hey, it’s it’s good timing. Let’s move on. Now that we have crossed the barrier into some racier topics, we’re going to take a little break. But before we go, I have one more quarantine love success story. This one comes to us from a listener named Mel.

Unknown Speaker  16:33  

I started listening to a date to me it’s about a year ago and started intentionally dating and then damona sent me information on how to polish my profile. then a month later, I met this great guy. We been together now for over three months and it’s going really well. quarantine definitely slowed down our relationship but definitely in a good way, because it really got us thinking, just creative ways to keep the relationship going. Because we both knew we were still interested in each other. We played games with each other like audio, and video dates. We also like, talked about different date ideas like ordering each other, like takeout food. And watching in a movie together, we’ve made lists about movies that he’s seen that I haven’t and movies that I’ve seen that he hasn’t. So we were we got really creative with dates. For us, it’s worked out really great, because we feel so much closer and so much more comfortable with each other then, either one of us expected to at this point in our relationship And to be honest, if we hadn’t had all that time, like apart, and like forced into like, so many situations where like we have to talk and really make effort for a relationship, we probably wouldn’t be meeting each other’s parents. We keep talking about actually how it feels like we’ve been dating longer than we actually have, but in a good way.

Damona  18:23  

If you are in the Patreon Friends with Benefits Program, you may have seen my secret training video which was just posted with Susan ibex the face reader in it. I did a profile Polish for Mel. And y’all you have to see it. It left her speechless. We also told her how to look for the right matches online just based on their facial features. Apparently, she took the advice to heart and it worked for her, it could work for you too. If you’re not part of the Patreon Friends with Benefits community. I’d love for you to have access to all of them. bonus content, the Facebook community, plus a discount on all of my online programs, you can join for as little as $5 a month, or for $100. You can get a profile Polish from me just like Mel did. You can see what’s inside the club@patreon.com slash dates and mates. And hopefully we will hear your success story on a future episode. Again, that’s patreon.com slash dates and mates do check the show notes for the link. More questions from you in just a moment. Stick around. We’re back. You asked, I answered. And there’s more dear damona This one is a DM on Twitter from Rio. Rio says I’m an RN and I’m volunteering to go to NYC to help the crisis being sent in a week. I should probably just assume I’m not going to be dating anyone for a while considering I still have a two week quarantine even After I’m done, right? Rio is 100%. Right? In this particular situation, I’m all for like, all dating all the time, right? I think it’s all great practice. But you also have to keep in mind, the mental state that you’re in, and the other things that are priorities in your life. Right now like, what, what if you did madly fall in love with someone, and then you cannot talk to them? I’m sure you’re going to be working 12 plus hour shifts, and you’re going to be tied up for at least a few weeks, and then maybe a few more weeks. So is this the right time to potentially embark on your life changing love? Maybe not. Maybe this is a better time while you have this week to yourself to do some self work to do some mental health preparation because I’m sure it’s going to be rough like you’re going into battle Rio, and thank you by the way Thank you for serving the community in New York and all of the people that are suffering from this virus we need you. So we want you to be the healthiest you can be to be at your best self. And we know you know, from listening to prior episodes, that love is like your brain on drugs. And you need to have your brain 100% in the in the game. So even though I’m all dating all the time, I think this is the time for you to focus on you. And to get your get your mind right to get your heart right, and to get ready to serve. This question comes to us from joy from LA give it a listen.

Unknown Speaker  21:40  

This is joy from LA and I want to know, now that all of us in America and Europe are stuck at home, what are the best apps or ways to virtually meet people around the world?

Damona  21:53  

This is literally one of the most asked questions that I get. So I’m not going to sound like a broken record, but I’m just gonna To remind you that apps are specific to each person finding the right app is as important as finding the right person. You have to sample and each city has a different app that’s really hot there. So you have to figure out what’s the right app for your city. What’s the right app for you. You’ll look at the functionality, the matches, you’ll also look at the response rates that you’re getting, you want to split test. I’m going to get really dating expert nerdy right now, you’re going to be on two different apps. And you’re going to have a substantially similar profile on both apps, same pictures, similar text, obviously, each app has a bio like about me. And then some of them have different ways that they put other information in or lack of information, no comment on which app that is. You talk about America and Europe. I want to just remind you that now we have a really exciting opportunity that you’re dating pool has expanded beyond just your local community. And, you know, the sad little five mile radius that most people have been doing to the entire world, what a great time to actually be able to date internationally. Because there’s no risk, you won’t be able to meet in person for a while and you can practice your dating skills, and maybe find somebody that’s going to be a great emotional support through this pandemic, and possibly a very exciting international love in terms of ways to virtually meet around the world. I have been hearing about virtual speed dating, I think that’s a really fun idea. You can also look for Facebook communities and online communities that are around a particular interest that you have and see who you might be able to chat with there. I’m telling you, like Instagram is poppin in terms of a it’s a dating app, and people are searching hashtags and finding new friends that way. So I encourage you to like Look through the the accounts that you like, or even on Twitter, look through threads that are interesting to you. And you can begin a conversation with someone virtually that way. And just look at this as an interesting experiment, and the time that we have during this pandemic, to date a little bit differently and see how it might affect your dating life. Lucy sent us this question. She says what are fair expectations to have? What is the appropriate way to deal with not seeing your partner for like months or potentially longer. I also feel like it’s so easy to put more emotional weight on your partner when you are more isolated from other friends and emotional supports. And I want to know about ways to mitigate that impulse. Lucy, thank you so much for highlighting this. I talked about this a little bit on NPR. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders and life kit, but it’s very dangerous for you to put all of the weight on your partner to be here. Everything. And yes, that is the impulse right now because we don’t have our friend circle. We don’t have our family. I just want to like give my mama hug. And I can’t even do that, right? But what can you do? Instead of looking at what you can’t do, let’s look at what is available to you. You can still do video chats with your friends or even just phone calls. You can write letters to people, which like when was the last time you wrote letters, you can journal and get your feelings out in that way. You can do meditation, yoga, virtual workouts like I am rolling deep in my one peloton, community and I feel I literally I did my hundredth peloton ride this week, and I literally bawled for like five minutes of it. Because I saw I had so many high fives from these people that I didn’t even know that were so happy for me. I’m almost going to cry again. Right now you guys, there are so happy for me that I made it to 100 rides, and I didn’t even know them. And then I posted about it in the, in the peloton, community. And more people commented and gave me more virtual high fives. So it’s easy to look at it like we are alone and we’re isolated. But it’s amazing if you just step out a little bit and you just reach out how much of a community really is out there to support you. Remember that you have to still make connecting, feel special, make it feel special again. So even if you can’t see each other, you want to continue to send Good morning texts and remind each other that you’re thinking of one another. You want to still find ways to connect virtually maybe it’s on the phone, maybe it’s video chat. Maybe it’s social distance I’ve been to I mean maybe I’m gonna get arrested by the LAPD. I don’t know. I’ve been doing Social distance, wind dates with my girlfriends, we sit six feet apart, outdoors. And we hang and it feels like old times, we’re just a little further apart. And we’re just a little bit in the element. So you bring a blanket and you keep it cute. We don’t have to let this pandemic make us feel limited. We can look for other ways that we can explore different kinds of relationships and different ways to connect. And we don’t know we don’t have the answers. We don’t know how long this is going to go on for. So let this be an opportunity to get to know your partner in a different way.

Our last question came to me from an Instagram dm this comes from Judith all the way from France. Hello Judith. I don’t speak any French. So I was gonna try and be cute and say like something in French but I can’t. But hopefully you can understand me if You wrote into the show in English, you understand what I’m about to say. So Judith asks, do you think Coronavirus and confinement will change the way we date deeply? I believe being reminded collectively that we can all be sick, and we will all die can push us towards more meaningful connections. But is this naive? naive girlfriend, you just said we will all die. You went all the way there. Maybe it’s a French thing? I don’t know. But let’s take that apart out. Like Yes, we are reminded of our own mortality. I think more people are afraid of the sickness right now. But I don’t know that it’s really ultimately going to change dating. So will it remind us that we need to make more meaningful connections? Will it cause more meaningful connections? I believe so. In the short term, I what I’m seeing right now is that people are fatiguing of the multiple multiple dates in a week or in a weekend that we used to have. And I think this is because you don’t know where it’s going. And so it was easy to just do a one off day we’ll just meet for coffee or drinks before the pandemic. But now, getting to know someone may be like a nightly FaceTime commitment. And a lot of people aren’t really up for that if they are not sure that somebody is going to be the one. So I’m seeing that people are spending more time getting to know fewer people, rather than treating everyone as if they’re disposable and looking for the next best thing. And I think that that is a great thing because it’s teaching us a valuable skill. Now, ultimately, I do think the speed of dating is going to increase. But my hope is that yes, we will be able to listen a little bit better. We’ll be able to stay in the moment more we’ll be able to evaluate our matches more thoroughly before we just run out to the bar and grab a drink with someone that We haven’t really gotten to know anything about. But ultimately, it’s up to you all. It’s up to you, Judith, it’s up to everyone that’s listening right now. If you want to see a change in the culture, if you you hated that swipe, swipe, swipe date, date, sex sex sex system that we were in, then why don’t you be the change that you wish to see in the world? That’s it for today’s episode. Thanks for joining me for dear Dimona, it’s Episode 310. If you have a question that didn’t make it on this show, and you want to hear it answered on a future episode, don’t be shy. You can DM me at damona Hoffman on all the socials or send me a voicemail or email and my voicemail numbers 424-246-6255 email Dimona at damona Hoffman comm I’ll put all that good stuff in the show notes. But if you are ready if you’ve been a Inspired by something that I said today, and you’re ready to dive in and have something, some of those more meaningful connections, I have my 30 day dating playbook program that’s here for you when you’re ready to get back to the new normal and get back into action. And it can work for virtual dates, it can work for offline data, wherever you are, it’s there for you at 30 day, dating.com, three, zero, day dating.com. And for those of you who are just exploring the idea, or if you’ve been listening for a while, and you just want to expand your relationship with me, let’s change our relationship status. And you can join that Patreon community@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. It’s just five bucks y’all. So if you love the show, support us, why not we can keep making more dates and mates. You can keep getting your love advice, and it’s just five bucks a month. And you can also get the full profile Polish for me if you want something that’s a little more bespoke, that’s at the hundred dollar level and you can emerge From this quarantine into the beautiful dating butterfly that you were meant to be, like clockwork We will be back again bright and early next Monday with a rather unorthodox proposal story that you simply have to hear. Until next week. I wish you good health and happy dating