Tag Archive for: heartbreak

Take Back Your Brain & The Texting Trap

We all like to think we understand attraction, have a specific type, and know what we want. But in reality, our dating experiences and behaviors have been shaped over a lifetime by the people and ideas around us. We are products of our environments, but the messages we’ve received aren’t always the most helpful in charting our path to happiness and fulfillment.

This week, we have master-certified life coach Kara Loewentheil joining us! She will use an analytical, feminist lens to explore our dating culture and how old stories may be affecting our decisions in love.

Plus, we’ve got a squeaky-clean Dating Dish for you—discover what singles prioritize most in a surprising social experiment. And don’t miss our Dear Damona question: Is there a match-and-no-response loop?

DATING DISH (3:10)

It’s spring cleaning time, not just for your household but for your dating profile, too! NBC News reports that 83% of single online daters plan to refresh their profiles this spring. The big question is, what should you include to attract the right matches?

A recent survey by Whirlpool, revealed that swapping out typical “thirst trap” photos for ones showcasing household care—like doing dishes and folding laundry—led to more connections and relationships.

How many of those men are now in LTRs? The answer may surprise you!

7:06 Kara Loewentheil 

Kara Loewentheil, JD, is a master certified life coach, founder of the School of New Feminist Thought, and host of the podcast Unstuck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone.

Kara is no slouch; she’s a Yale and Harvard Law School graduate who went on to join a think tank at Columbia Law School. She’s also the author of the critically acclaimed book *Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head and How to Get It Out*.

Kara Loewentheil joins Damona Hoffman on Dates & Mates podcast

9:10 What is a brain gap?

Kara shares the “brain gap” concept, which illuminates the disparity between our desired thoughts and feelings and our actual ones, especially concerning societal norms around gender roles and romantic connections. 

From early on, we absorb implicit and explicit messages about what’s desirable or worthy, molding our perceptions of ourselves and others. 

In Kara’s words: “So that is the brain gap. Those two different thought patterns really can’t reconcile themselves. We have to intervene to reshape our thinking to bridge them actively.” 

20:11 The romantic socialization traps

You don’t want to fall into any of Kara’s “four traps of romantic socialization.” The traps of romantic socialization contribute to unhealthy dating mindsets, especially for women taught their value hinges on male partnership. 

Kara shares, “Society gives women because it makes women settle for any relationship. ” This scarcity mindset, coupled with ingrained insecurity around being “chosen,” breeds fixation and rumination where “some part of your brain thinks finding a partner is what is going to keep us safe and part of the tribe.”

34:10 What about societal messages?

Are you ready for a deep dive into the impact of societal messages on our beliefs about relationships, gender roles, and self-worth? 

Kara traces the evolution of these narratives, highlighting how media, culture, and institutions shape our perceptions. The romanticization of marriage? Changing the dynamics of gender roles? All covered and more…

37:27 On rewriting the Fairy Tale

Damona asks Kara about her checklist when looking for her life partner, citing the List Myth from her book F the Fairy Tale. 

Despite having a specific checklist and vision for her ideal life partner, Kara fell for someone whose circumstances didn’t match her criteria. 

This allowed her to rewrite her own fairy tale narrative and unexpectedly find fulfillment by prioritizing substance over superficial factors. 

Follow Kara on Instagram @KaraLoewentheil and be sure to grab a copy of her new book, “Take Back Your Brain: How A Sexist Society Gets In Your Head and How To Get It Out.”

43:38 DATING DISH

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

IG Voice Memo from Jack:

Hi Damona, how long should I wait before moving on from a match? After we’ve matched, and exchanged a couple of words and then the kind of ball is in their court for responding to a match. I’ll ask something about their profile. We’ll talk a little bit, exchange a couple of messages on the app, and then they’ll kind of go cold.

So, I’m wondering if you have any recommendations. Do I dive back into those conversations to try to get their attention again? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Maybe, you know, should the first course of action not be to try to talk and just ask them out on a date instead, without trying to warm up to anything? Or should I just move on? Any advice you could give on this would be awesome, and I’d really appreciate it. 

Thanks! Love your show, Jack.

damona hoffman interviews sara jane ho host of netflix mind your manners

Mind Your Manners & Bumble Bummer

What does it take to navigate the world of modern romance with poise and grace?

Well, get ready to upgrade your dating game because we’ve got a special treat for you! Sarah Jane Ho, etiquette expert extraordinaire and host of Netflix’s “Mind Your Manners”, is joining us on the Dates & Mates podcast this week.

From first impressions to meeting the parents, Sarah’s here to share her invaluable insights on how we can all be our best selves in any situation.

Of course, we also have a delectable Dating Dish straight from Bumble, and don’t forget about Dear Damona: How long should my first date last if I am traveling a distance to meet my match?

Get ready to ditch the old rulebook and embrace a fresh perspective on modern dating etiquette. It’s time to elevate your love life to new heights with Sarah Jane Ho! So, grab your favorite beverage, settle in, and let’s dive into the world of modern romance.

DATING DISH (2:38)

In case you missed it, Bumble has undergone some major changes lately, shaking up the original dynamics of their app. Women don’t have to make the first move anymore!!

With the introduction of Bumble’s  “opening moves,” women no longer carry the weight, but will this really solve the problem of connection fatigue, or is there more to the story? 

We explore the ins and outs of Bumble’s latest feature upgrades and discuss how they might impact your dating journey. From revamped profile badges to highlighting common interests, there’s a lot to unpack, and we’re here to guide you through it all.

Sara Jane Ho (10:43)

Sarah Jane Ho is an etiquette expert and the founder of China’s first finishing school. Today, she’s the host of Netflix’s Daytime Emmy-nominated series Mind Your Manners. She also joins me as a Drew Crew member on The Drew Barrymore Show. 

Back in February, Sarah Jane became the co-founder and CEO of Antevorta Labs, an intimate care line inspired by traditional Chinese medicine. Her book “Mind Your Manners: How to Be Your Best Self in Any Situation” is on shelves now!

damona hoffman interviews sara jane ho host of netflix mind your manners

Etiquette is for more than fine dining (11:38)

While many might associate etiquette with formal dining or workplace interactions, Sara Jane reveals how it permeates every aspect of our lives, including the intricate dance of dating and relationships.

From knowing how to behave to understanding the subtle nuances of misbehavior, Sara Jane’s insights make you rethink how you approach love and connection.

This is why she says dating and relationship etiquette deserve its own spotlight and that embracing these principles can transform your romantic life.

How does empathy figure into dating? (13:41)

“Empathy is about sensing somebody’s energy, understanding where they’re coming from, and feeling what they’re feeling.” Sara Jane shared. In Eastern culture, empathy is very energy-based.

When you are on a date, you are reaching out to connect with someone, to understand where they are coming from, and to learn about them. This insight helps to underscore the significance of empathy in dating.

Practice makes perfect (15:33)

Sara Jane uses role-playing and scripts in her etiquette classes to help her students gain confidence. Mastering it in a low-pressure environment will make the action seem natural on a big date.

Tricks of the trade?

  • Use effective pauses – using lulls in conversation.
  • There is an optimal amount of time to speak – how long should you talk?
  • Mirroring – show you are paying attention and are “into” your date

Is it time to meet the family? (27:10)

Navigating the etiquette of introducing your significant other to your home and family can be a delicate dance, but Sara Jane offers invaluable advice to ensure smooth sailing. 

From briefing your partner on household quirks to steering clear of contentious topics during family gatherings, preparation is key to setting everyone up for success. Sara Jane reassures us that it’s not as daunting as it seems.  

Be sure to follow Sara Jane on Instagram @SaraJaneHo and grab a copy of her new book, ““Mind Your Manners: How to Be Your Best Self in Any Situation”

39:20 DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

IG voice memo from Aya: 

My name is Aya, and I live in New York City. I’ve greatly appreciated listening to your podcast for the last year and did a lot of reflection as I read for the fairy tale.

Well, I haven’t met that someone yet. I feel like the quality of men I’ve been dating recently has been much better. Since working on my dating mindset and clarifying what I’m looking for. So thank you. Now, my question. I know that you generally recommend that the first date should be about an hour long. Occasionally, I match up with men in New Jersey and if we were to meet, the travel would be time-consuming, pending a good screening phone call. If a person is traveling more than usual for a first date. How long would you recommend that date to last? 

Dr Scott Lyons on the Dates & Mates podcast with dating and relationship expert damona hoffman talking about the addiction to drama and how to overcome it

Addicted to Drama & I Can Fix Him

Have you ever caught yourself rehearsing arguments in your mind before they’ve even happened? Or riding an emotional roller coaster day in and day out? Is forgiveness feeling like an uphill battle?

Could it be that you’re addicted to drama? It’s a tough question, but fear not, because our esteemed guest, and new BFF, Doctor Scott Lyons, has the answers. He’s done the legwork, folks, and he’s here to unpack his enlightening book, “Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others.”

But before we dive into that, we’ve got a delectable  Dating Dish for you: HuffPost serves up insights on why we’re prone to trying to fix our partners and what we should do instead. 

And, of course, we can’t overlook our Dear Damona question of the week: “How can I attract more culturally open matches?” 

We don’t know about you, but we’re positively thrilled about this week’s episode! So, without further ado, let’s dive right in and start dishing!

DATING DISH (1:36)

A recent HuffPost article addressed a pressing question: Why Do We Try To ‘Fix’ People In Our Relationships? They kick off with a nod to Taylor Swift’s iconic line, “I Can Fix Him (No, Really I Can).”

But can you? And should you? We’ve all felt that pull to rescue our partners at some point. But why? Maybe it’s the feel-good factor of helping someone out. Or perhaps it’s about grasping a sense of control in a chaotic world. But here’s the kicker: our well-meaning efforts can sometimes do more harm than good. It’s a slippery slope, folks. What starts as noble intent can quickly morph into something unhealthy – hello, codependency

To learn more about codependent relationships, tune into one our favorite past episodes on the topic with Kylie McBeth and Mark Groves: Codependent Patterns & Are We Dating The Same Guy

9:52 Dr. Scott Lyons

Dr. Scott Lyons is a licensed psychologist, educator, and author of the best-selling book “Addicted to Drama Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others”. He is the host of the Gently Used Human Podcast, a delightfully delightful exploration of what it is to be human, and also a renowned body-based trauma expert and mind-body medicine specialist.

Dr. Scott Lyons joins Damona Hoffman, relationship and dating expert to talk about the addiction to drama

13:32 The Drama Lure

We’ve all been there – caught up in the whirlwind of emotional highs and lows that drama brings into our lives. But why are we drawn to drama in the first place? Dr. Scott starts off with a fascinating explanation of the psychological underpinnings of this addiction. He shares that, for some, drama can provide a sense of excitement and intensity that may be lacking in other areas of their lives. It’s a temporary escape that can make us feel alive.

14:14 How Do I Know if I am a Drama Addict?

Of course, Dr. Scott has a quiz to take to see the signs that someone might be addicted to drama in his book “Addicted to Drama Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others”. He mentioned behaviors such as constantly seeking out conflict, overreacting to minor issues, and thriving on the chaos that drama creates. It was a moment of self-reflection for many of us as we considered whether these patterns resonated with our own experiences.

18:09 Relationship Ripples

Dr. Scott made it clear that an addiction to drama can have profound effects on our relationships: “We’re not looking for relationships. We’re attached to the action of getting there.” He pointed out that when we’re addicted to drama, we often create unnecessary conflict, leading to a cycle of emotional turmoil and instability. This can strain even the strongest of bonds and leave us feeling disconnected from our partners.

39:30 Growth Beyond the Chaos

How do we break free from the grip of drama addiction? Dr. Scott provides practical advice and strategies for reducing drama in our lives. He emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and nurturing inner peace. It’s about finding equilibrium and learning to appreciate the tranquility as much as the chaos.

Dr. Scott shares insight into five key milestones for healing from drama addiction. Drawing from the experience of someone who has successfully overcome this addiction, Dr. Scott highlights the shift from using stress as a social adhesive to cultivating a sense of belonging and connection with others without relying on chaos and drama to fulfill that need.

Want to know about Dr. Scott Lyons? Follow him on Instagram @DrScottLyons  and grab your copy of Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis & Chaos In Yourself & Others today!

46:58 Dear Damona

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Text from Angelo:

Hi, Damona. First off, thank you for your wonderful book. I enjoyed reading it and took some very valuable things away. I have a question for you. I’m a very culturally mixed person. I grew up with parents from opposite sides of the globe. I’m finding that in the dating world, I’m often defined by being mixed in communities I’m part of. I’ve gone on first dates where things go well, we keep talking, and right before our scheduled second date, it’s postponed or canceled. And eventually, I get a text saying I’m looking for someone more X or you’re 2XX being one element of my heritage, or even I prefer tall and white. How do I keep attracting those who can’t see past heritage?

Damona Hoffman relationship and dating expert dates & Mates podcast

His Move & Love After 50 – Dear Damona

There’s been A LOT of talk this year about dating burnout and swipe fatigue. And while we know that the frustration is real, the ultimate takeaway is people are STILL dating or else they wouldn’t have the experiences to complain about. 

So what if we reframe our dating troubles and see them as learning opportunities? What dating doors might open for you then? What power could you snatch back from the jaws of dating apps, or ghosting, or other forms of fatigue or burnout?It’s time to hop back in the driver’s seat of your dating life and that’s exactly why we’re serving up an extra-special “all Dear Damona” episode today!

Dear Damona (2:25)

3:00 Text from A

Is it generally a good idea not to message someone on the app if the last message was sent by me, meaning it’s now his move? I matched with someone last weekend. He expressed that he was extremely interested in getting to know me and that I seemed to have the strong character he’s looking for in a partner.

Side note: I don’t have a bio written yet. I’m new to this, and yes, I will put up a bio soon. So he was making this call, but my strength of character was purely on my photos, basic info, and interests. I thanked him for the compliment, then directly asked him, with so little to go on, what had given him a sense of my character; he explained that having practiced medicine for so many years, he learned to read people and look for cues that others might not see. He’s not wrong. I am all those things. But let’s just say I was cautiously impressed but also suspicious by his observations. I asked him a little about his work, which he answered without hesitation. And then, after my last two messages, which confirmed what he’d explained, he didn’t message back. That was three days ago. Should I assume that this thing has already fallen flat on its face? Before we even had a chance to meet? My friend told me to wait, and he probably gets hit on by a million nurses, so I should be the cool one.

11:53 Email from Gary

Hi, Damona, I enjoyed your conversation on NPR. I started dating after healing from a relationship, but I struggle to manage and set expectations for potential partners. Could you please shed some light on this scenario and provide advice?

17:13 Instagram DM from Vernee

Dear Damona, I’m curious about dating up. I have habitually dated men who made less than me because it didn’t matter to me, and often, in these relationships, I found myself taking care of them in ways that they could not reciprocate.

Anyway, I’m fresh off of a breakup. Oof! Long story. Incoming. But the week before the breakup, my ex-boyfriend asked me how much money I made. He had previously told me what he had made a few times, and I never felt the need to share, but we had plans to move in together, so I didn’t see the harm at this point. I told him how much I make. He seemed a bit surprised, and he said, “Oh, you make comfortably more than me.” I said, yes, I do. I think it’s possible that he felt some type of way about that from an ego standpoint. Many men still carry that provider thing, and I’d like to be taken out sometimes or suggest places where we can split the bill or buy our own tickets to a nice event. I’m not asking to be spoiled, and I believe in sharing costs, but what can we do when they make less than you and have poor money management? My ex would pay for some of our meals out, but I’m pretty sure most of that went onto credit cards that his parents would pay for.

And then, after a year together, my ex told me that he wasn’t in love with me, even though all of his behavior said otherwise. So I told him goodbye. I know I’m not the only woman to go through this. My heart can’t handle any more fixer-upper men. Where did all the grown men go? So many of us are stuck with Peter Pan on one level or another.

27:50 Text from Tasha

Dear Damona, I love your story. I just recently discovered your podcast. Have you helped many singles in their 50s? I am 54 and just really am wondering if it’s too late. Isn’t it more difficult to find love after 50?

Send Us YOUR Questions (33:04)

Don’t be shy! If you’ve got a burning question about love, dating, or relationships! You can reach out on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or even give us a ring or text us at 424-246-6255. We absolutely adore hearing your voices, so don’t hold back! Whether it’s a whisper or a shout, your input help us tailor the best dating advice for you. Drop us a voicemail or slide into our DMs with a voice memo – we can’t wait to hear from you!

Keep Listening!

If you enjoyed this all Dear Damona episode, you would really like our recent episode with the host of the “I Thought it Was Just Me” podcast, Lane Moore: Tinder Love & Love Don’t Cost a Thing

Psychic Matchmaker & Digital Body Language

You’ve heard Damona talk about dating intuition – that inner voice that says, something feels off about this person or my gut is telling me this person may be my person or somebody I want to spend more time with. That’s your internal compass, the metaphorical steering wheel of your heart and it talks to you if you’re willing to listen. 

Today psychic matchmaker Deborah Graham, who’s been tuned into her intuition since she was a child, uses her abilities to pair singles with a match that will last a lifetime. 

And here are a couple of fun parts: Deborah joins us to share how she teaches her clients to dial into their intuition. And as a special bonus, our fabulous podcast producer, Lindsey, volunteers to be read live on air by The Psychic Matchmaker. 

But first, we have a steamy hot dating dish to serve up for you and it’s all about digital body language in online dating. 

DATING DISH (2:32)

In a recent article, Online Dating, Beware of Digital Body Language, Grazia Magazine talks to friend, former guest, and behavioral scientist for Hinge, Logan Ury, about how to read digital body language, which is defined as as emojis, punctuation, message length, and response time. 

A recent Hinge survey found that 69% of respondents claimed they could analyze digital body language to determine if they wanted to take the next step and go out with that person. 

Damona’s takeaway? You have to create momentum and a kinetic feeling of being in a conversation with somebody when you’re texting. In the end, it’s about being responsive and not leaving a conversation hanging if you’re searching for love.

Want to get your messages analyzed? Send screenshots to @DamonaHoffman on Instagram and get your text analyzed!

 

DEBORAH GRAHAM (13:21)

Deborah Graham was born a gifted psychic, having her earliest premonitions when she was only six. Now with more than 30 years of experience as a psychic relationship expert and matchmaker, Deborah’s work is all about matching you with your true love and soulmate. 

You may recognize Deborah from the 2015 TLC show, Psychic Matchmaker, which featured her helping people find true love. 



(14:01) A blessing, a curse and an arranged marriage  

Damona has always been fascinated with the intersection between the metaphysical and the spiritual – the stuff we can’t see but also the very tangible tactical techniques a lot of her listeners know her for. 

Deboarah says, “Oh, I like to say it’s a blessing and a curse because I’m a third generation psychic. As a child, I would communicate with loved ones I’d never met.”

She talks about one of the moments that changed her life – when her mom arranged her marriage. “My mama just kept saying this is the person. Because of course, she’s intuitive. So she knew. And that’s kind of what my life’s work is. It’s kind of like I give everybody the push.”


(24:37) Teaching singles to use intuition

Damona uses her intuition when assisting her clients and encourages them to do the same. She wonders how Deborah instills the idea in her clients.

Deborah says to look out for Energy Vampires. “If you go out on that first date and that person is constantly talking about themselves and how bad their relationship has been, and they’re blaming everybody for it going wrong, that’s usually when I say run, run, run.”

She also says that eye contact is key. “You’re communicating through the person’s soul because the window to your soul is through your eyes. So that is your own psychic abilities, intuition going in and vibrating energetically.”

(29:02) Reframing the Awkward Silence

Damona says to switch the adjective! What if we consider the silence to be informative, energetic, or contemplative rather that awkward? The only last 2-3 seconds after all.

Deborah adds, “Silence is communication. Because it’s not about what you say. It’s about what you feel.”

 

Follow Psychic Matchmaker Deborah Graham on Instagram @PsychicDeborahGraham and learn more about her work by visiting psychicdeborahgraham.com

 

DEAR DAMONA  (41:14)
Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Email from Christina

Is there anything you suggest to figure out if a person is going to ghost you after a month or so? I met somebody who made it seem like things were going well and attempts to communicate with them didn’t reveal anything was troubling, yet after some time, something was clearly wrong because they slow-faded me. 

Eventually things ended, and while I know that person was the wrong person for me, I’d like to know how to be able to feel if a person is going to do that much better.

If more details are needed for my question like background, here’s a little more to go with.  I met someone on a dating app and we went out for several dates.  Things seemed to go well enough to where they invited me to keep things at their place, introduced me to their friends, and we spent lots of time together for about six weeks.  I did notice they read a certain male controversial Canadian author’s books in their reading, asked them about it as I am a woman who isn’t a fan of that author, and got an answer that was reasonable, but took it as a yellow flag.  They even said it was going well.  

Then in November, things started to get strange for the remaining couple weeks that I considered us dating.  They didn’t include me in their plans, particularly Thanksgiving, they texted me less (and when they did, it may as well have been with an acquaintance), were less affectionate when we did spend time together, and generally their overall behavior was strange.  I know they had family far away and work stress, but wanted to understand things better.  I tried to communicate this with them in a way that was calm and even tried to make it with some humor so they wouldn’t feel put on the spot, yet they offered nothing.  

Finally after a weekend with no plans and no communication, I told them directly what I have been noticing and told them that you have to communicate to show respect and so the other person isn’t left wondering what they don’t know about.  He sent me a very generic text saying we weren’t communicating or on the same page and it wasn’t working out.  Clearly it was over, but it wasn’t a “we” problem, this person slow-faded me when I tried to communicate after things seemed to go so well.  

I am hoping to learn what to observe in the future so this doesn’t happen again as ghosting is already bad enough early in the process and worse as you spend more time together.  Dating a commitment-phobe is something I want to avoid again and Damona’s advice would be invaluable.

Codependent Patterns & Are We Dating The Same Guy

In her book, F The Fairy Tale Damona says choosing a life partner is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make. Goals, values, communication, and trust are key to a successful relationship and that begins before you’ve even met your match, because it begins with you.

One of our guests today says, “Real choice comes when we don’t need the other person to be okay.” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves and that’s why we invited friends, co-authors, podcasters, and spouses, Mark Groves and Kyle McBeth, to share their stories. 

But first, we have a dangerously hot dating dish to serve up. According to Axios, Facebook groups like, Are We Dating the Same Guy, are stirring up controversy and we’re going to unmask the dark side.  

DATING DISH (1:54)

Several articles were published this week detailing legal action being taken against members of a private group called, Are We Dating The Same Guy. These groups originally served as a kind of background check to keep women safe, were a great idea, but critics say they’ve become an arena for public persecution. 

But there are real-world consequences  – like being sued for defamation.  A lot of these claims are subjective. Damona warns us, “if you say somebody is clingy or psycho, and that means that they don’t get a job because of it, or that they lose clients because of it, you actually could be liable for damages.”

Damona unpacks the story further saying that daters seem to think that talking to these groups will give them closure or give a sense of power back. She suggests we talk to our match about our concerns to create real change.

We know this was a dating dish of a different color, but with all of the headlines, we felt like it had to be said. 

(8:30) Mark Groves & Kylie McBeath

Second-time guest Mark Groves is a Human Connection Specialist, founder of Create the Love and host of the Mark Groves Podcast. Mark’s work bridges the academic and the human, inviting people to explore the good, the bad, the downright ugly, and the beautiful sides of connection.

Kylie McBeath, also known as @beingisbeautiful to her 130K Instagram followers, shares daily guidance and teachings on relationships, spirituality, and embodied liberation. She is also a Certified Health Coach and the host of The Journey Home podcast.

(9:54) Tell us about liberated love

Kylie explains liberated love is about coming from a place of grounded centeredness where you’re not needing somebody for a source of safety, security, validation, or to soothe aloneness. Liberated love is about actively, fully choosing a relationship.

Mark agrees that liberated love is about being dedicated to telling the truth. He says so many people are afraid to fully express themselves in a relationship because we’re afraid we’ll lose someone, we’ll push them away.

Liberated love is all about freedom. 

(18:34) Is it codependency or co-creating?

Codependency, Kylie shares, is any relational dynamic where we source safety outside of ourselves at the expense of our own needs and well-being. “But it’s when it becomes at the expense of your wholeness, at the expense of your core needs, at the expense of your total well-being, that we begin to have a problem.”

We all have emotional, sexual and safety needs, Damona says, but it’s sometimes difficult to discern if we are co-creating or being codependent. 

 

(25:27) Your body, your compass

Daters need to get in touch with their bodies. Kylie says,,  “I think this is probably one of the most important pathways we are being invited to walk on the planet at this time is returning back to the body and returning back to trusting our intuition and our instincts and our somatic experience. 

Kylie explains that for her it meant accessing her anger so that she could listen to and honor her emotional input impulses as a compass.

 

Be sure to grab a copy of Mark and Kylie’s new book, “Liberated Love: Release Codependent Patterns and Create the Love You Desire” and follow them on Instagram @CreateTheLove and @BeingIsBeautiful

 

(41:02) DEAR DAMONA 
Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Question from Spotify listener, Brent.

Question about navigating fake profiles on dating websites. I’ve learned some cues that seem to be linked to the fakes, but any advice on not getting exhausted weeding through the nonsense?

Speed Dating Do’s and Don’ts & Heartbreak Coach

Spring is here! We love new beginnings, the hope, and the possibility of a blank slate.

However, most new relationships form after another one has ended. So this week, we are looking at the other side of the dating equation – breakups.

And, our guest is flipping the script on heartache. Keishorne Scott, author and heartbreak coach, will share his strategies for healing after a breakup and setting boundaries. Plus he’ll also tell us which matches to avoid and to whom to give your precious heart.

But first, we have a steamy hot dating dish to serve up for you. Damona was recently interviewed by USA Today for a piece called,  “Speed dating is making a comeback as Gen Z ditches dating apps…and we shouldn’t be surprised.”

DATING DISH (2:37)

Is speed dating making a resurgence? Is the rhetoric around Gen Z ditching dating apps true? 

Damona says dating apps are all Gen Z has ever known, and while they’re frustrated with them, they often end up redownloading the apps after a short hiatus.

You CAN make dating apps work for you while and dip your toe into the IRL waters. Damona tells her clients to create a balanced portfolio for their dating life.

(06 51: ) Ready to give speed dating a try?

In speed dating, you only have 5-7 minutes to be memorable. It’s not about getting matches from everyone, it’s about getting matches with the right people.  

In her Dating Accelerator course, Damona talks about demonstrating your goals and values and having preloaded topics to talk about. Ask someone for their opinion on something benign like do they like the scent of grapefruit, are they a morning person or a night owl? 

Skip the, “Where do you work” and “Where are you from?” questions. They’re boring and won’t make you memorable.

(14:00) Planting the seeds of hope and possibility

If you don’t have your copy of “F The Fairy Tale” yet, you can grab a copy right now on Amazon on sale for a limited time! 

KEISHORNE SCOTT (15:02)

Keishorne Scott is an author, speaker, media personality, and relationship and heartbreak coach. 

His best-selling books include, “The Mouse, The Bird, The Dog and The Lion: 3 Men To Avoid and 1 to Marry” and “The Heartbreak Workbook: 10 Proven Strategies for Healing, Renewing and Recovering.” 

Keishorne has also been featured by Forbes, Good Morning America, BBC Radio, ABC News, MSN.com, and Marriage.com. 

(16:22) From heartbreak to happiness

Keishorne says, it’s possible to go from disappointment, frustration and heartbreak to a healthy relationship, though it takes time. He says that he had totake a step back, start to love myself, care about myself, invest in myself and then I started the healing process.”

Damona says he flipped the script. While most people might think that they are not good enough, Keishorne decided that someone wasn’t  good enough for him.

(20:51) What do a mouse, a bird, a dog and a lion have to do with love?

Keishorne breaks it down in his book, but shared:

  1. The Mouse is sneaky.
  2. The Bird doesn’t deal with conflict.
  3. The Dog will run out the gate if it’s left open and he’s also jealous.
  4. But the Lion is the king. He’ll be accountable. 

Damona appreciates the metaphors but wonders if we sometimes expect too much from our partners. She emphasizes the importance of balance in a relationship.


(30:49) How do you know you’re ready to move on?

Keishorne says everyone wants an exact answer for how long the process of healing after heartbreak will take. 

Healing is a non-negotiable and you have to do the work. Keishorne says, “there’s no timeline for it. Everybody heals and falls in love at their own pace.” 

Damona encourages people to push through the pain to seek healing. She quotes a line from her book, “F The Fairy Tale”, “discomfort is the feeling of change happening.”

 

Find Keishorne Scott on Instagram @keishornescott or learn more about his work by visiting Keishornescott.com.

 

DEAR DAMONA (40:22)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Text from Alexandra. 

Dear Damona,

I’m approaching 30 in 2 months, and I’ve been single for the past seven and a half years and recently been giving a shot at the dating world. I’ve had a very busy work life, so real dating was off the table. 

And in the past, I have invested too much in men who were not available. But I finally met someone who truly seems like he could be the right match for me. I thought we hit it off on our date and we have been intermittently texting throughout the day since. It was a Bumble match, and we met in person before he headed back to his home state. 

I don’t really like to be pushy, but I’m starting to doubt if he enjoyed the date as much as I did. I also do not know his dating intentions. 

Obviously, many more details that apply, but my main question is how frequently do I text? Do I worry about texting first, or reading too much into short messages and not too muchto much deeper conversations? 

It’s been five days. Mostly it’s hard because I really felt it with him and I don’t know where he stands.

Healing Heartbreak & Baby Mama Drama

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVERS!

According to some data from Facebook, it turns out that this is the season for both heartbreaks and hookups. Apparently, the period from Christmas day to New Years has one of the highest rates for breakups. This is probably due mostly to stress and pressure from the holidays.

Even some divorce attorneys like to call January divorce month because of the spike they see in divorce filings continually this month!  So if you’re just coming out of a breakup or have ever dealt with heartbreak, this episode is for you.

More on that later, first we have headlines!

 

DATING DISH (2:30)

Everything you need to know about dating if you’re participating in dry January

Can you even go on a first date if you’re not going for drinks? We think actually, this might be a good thing for first dates and maybe we should all do it more often!

The New York Times wants to know, “is divorce month even real?”

Divorce is definitely seasonal according to the New York Times, but March and August are some other months you need to look out for when it comes to relationship turmoil.

We need to have a conversation about former senior Royals Harry and Meghan

I’m sure you heard that Harry and Meghan have stepped back as senior royals. Is Harry making a mistake?

LOVE STORY (14:60

Joining me as my today is Claire Byrne, a Heartbreak Coach who helps women stop wanting Mr. or Ms. Wrong back, as well as help them find the right kind of love. She’s a regular contributor on Kourtney Kardashian’s Poosh.com, and the creator/host of the podcast, How to Stop Wanting Him Back.

Find Claire The Heartbreak Coach on Instagram @clairetheheartbreakcoach and be sure to check out her podcast, “How To Stop Wanting Him Back!”

TECHNICALLY DATING

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • I’m a 32 women with a 6 year old and the guy I was seeing is 29 with an 18month old and baby mama drama. We were together for only 3.5 months, but were exclusive. I realized a couple of weeks ago that I am pregnant. He took two weeks to process the news and then he broke up with me because he doesn’t want the baby. I don’t believe in abortions but he told me to go as in he was done and didn’t want to be with me. I know he’s scared, but I’m so scared, and mad, and heartbroken at the same time. Any advice would be appreciated! Should I try to reach back out to him?
  • From Pamela – I was raised to pray, do ministry, and go to school and I just thought the right man would appear in my life. Not true. I’ve no real dating experience & I’ve never been in love. I’m an extremely late bloomer! I’ve two Master’s degrees and take my eduation seriously. I’m now a very liberal Christian. How do I find the right man on dating apps? The men I talk to are either judgey because I’m too religious or not religious enough.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12

modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers Welcome to dates and mates. I’m certified Dating Coach damona Hoffman here to simplify all things on modern love. You may have heard before on the show according to some data from Facebook, it turns out that the period from Christmas day to New Year’s has the highest rate of breakups happening. Maybe this is due to the stress and pressure pressure from the holidays people don’t want to get presents people thinking about the new year and wanting to start fresh. I don’t know the answers but today I have the person who does know the answers to these questions. Her name is Claire burn she is a heartbreak coach who helps women stop wanting Mr. or Mrs. Wrong back as well as help them to find the right Kind of love. She’s a regular contributor to cart Courtney Kardashians poosh calm and she’s the creator and host of the podcast how to stop wanting him back please. Let’s give big smooches to Claire bird. Thank you for having Oh, thank you so much for being here. This is the time of year where we really need to work through heartbreak and and start the year fresh, right everybody is is coming into this new year wanting to to create new patterns and behaviors for themselves. So this is a perfect time to clear the state slate and to let people know how to how to get into a relationship differently this time and how to stop going back over back over that old history.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  1:42

Right? Absolutely. This is definitely anything just now more and more especially we live in LA so it’s just a mecca for self personal growth but there’s nothing like cleaning the slate and really evaluating and looking back on your year and Just asking yourself, is this partnership serving me? And am I showing up as my best self? And if not, then no better time to cleanse and kick off the new year. Absolutely. Also just healing what didn’t work and then really getting clear on the relationship with yourself before you create space for the right person to come back in. I can’t wait to talk to you about that.

Damona  2:25

And speaking of cleanses, we also have headlines today including what you need to know about dating if you’re doing dry January. Plus, the New York Times wants to know is divorce month even real is January really divorce month. New York Times has something to say about it. Plus, we have to talk about the former senior Royals, Harry and Megan and then we’ll be answering your questions like where are all the men who match your religious values and how to deal with heartbreak as a single mom, Claire, are you ready to do these headlines? I’m ready

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  3:03

to do the headlines. All right, let’s dish these dating dish

Damona  3:09

askmen was nice enough to give us a guide to dry January dating. If you guys have not been hearing about this dry January trend, apparently one out of five people said January I’m not drinking and that may mean that you’re doing a physical cleanse but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re not dating as well. And this can cause some challenges if you’re going out on dates which usually revolve around drinking alcohol or involve alcohol in some way. I’ve got to know Claire how to set ourselves up for success. A little birdie told me you’re doing dry January

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  3:47

and I am 100% Irish so I like my drinks.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  3:53

The holidays I always build up and I just know January. We just got to detox

Damona  3:57

so you just like you go hard all year. And then you just have to stop. Rewind refresh.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  4:03

Yeah, I like to do cleanses. 30 days I’ll probably do one or two more this year. I like to do them every few months, but definitely after the holidays and I’m currently dating someone right now. So we’re doing that together, but I have been single and dry at certain points, not necessarily in January. And I’m not gonna lie It absolutely is more challenging, but I would challenge anyone out there who is taking the best care of him or herself and wants to reset and cleanse their body. Why does alcohol have to be the thing to make you feel comfortable on the date? Right? Like why would you stop yourself from putting yourself out there just because you’re cleansing your body because I’m hoping that you’ll also want to be sober with your future partner so I think it’s a pretty cool thing like if someone said that to me, Hey, you know i’m i’m doing a cleanse right now. I’d still love to meet up and my whole thing too is Look, I’m going I’m on a cleanse But please, by all means drink. Whatever you want to drink, I’d still love to meet. I’m just letting you know.

Damona  5:03

I want to know though, do you tell them before you get to the day that I do be drinking? I do.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  5:08

And you know, I have a health coach friend and she said, Why do you even have to tell them that? Why do we have to make drinking such a thing? And I see her point, but for me, I do want to let the potential future partner know right? I do enjoy drinking alcohol. I’m a social drinker. I like my wine like my skinny Margarita is. I’m just not drinking them right now. But it is a part of my life. And I think that is something that I love doing that with my boyfriend going out for a cocktail at 5pm and enjoying the sunset, right? Like that’s something that we enjoy doing. So I think if it is something that you like to do in your life, let that person know

Damona  5:47

what if you’re sober longer than then January I do have a number of clients actually who have been non drinkers nondrinkers. Yeah, and they’ve run into some challenges of people that Absolutely I will not date a non drinker or how do you even bridge that conversation? Do you think a drinker and a non drinker can have a successful relationship? Absolutely,

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  6:09

yes, I’ve definitely fallen for sober people. And I definitely think that that can work. I don’t think if you’re someone who likes to get wasted and have five, six drinks, you know, I’m someone who enjoys like two to three and because of my Irish blood, I’m not like slurring my

Damona  6:27

words. I’m like, I like to have one and I’m totally wasted. Yes, I think you need to know like,

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  6:33

literally your tolerance

Damona  6:34

level. And I always tell my clients to set your maximum like for me, I knew I was not making good decisions on dates. This is not just in dry January. Yeah, I was not making good decisions after one drink. Yeah. So I set a maximum of one drink because I want to be present on the day absolutely want to be able to make good decisions and be able to really assess is this somebody that I want to spend more time with and Am I going to be proud of the choices that I make into this date? If I’m with this person, months down the road?

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  7:07

Exactly. And I think too, if you are permanently sober, that should be something that’s shared on your profile, so that the people who are going to write you off for being sober all the time, aren’t your people. So just make it math, not drama. Like, okay, good to know, I have that information out there because I’m not changing that this is a part of who I am. This is a part of my lifestyle. And, and and also, I think you could say, you know, I’m sober. I’m open to dating people who do drink, right? Because some sober people don’t want to date drinkers. Right? So just make that clear, so that you’re not wasting anyone’s time.

Damona  7:41

That’s what it’s all about. Well, so we call it divorce month, because really, there was some data that supported divorces happening in January, Facebook said they have all of these status changes happening between like November and January. But according to the new york times they’re saying maybe January actually isn’t divorce month they were actually seeing a lot of divorces filed in the state of New York between March and August. I guess August is end of the summer and you start thinking about going back kids going back to school or the fall and the new cycle starting. What are you seeing as a heartbreak coach? Do you think divorce month is real? Is there a cycle to I mean, relationships ending if

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  8:30

statistics are showing what they’re showing, I think that that’s interesting. It would make more sense to me that you that a divorce would be happening post the holidays because I think it’s like I can’t do one more holiday with this person anymore. The summer is surprising to me, but I’m a heartbreak Coach 12 months out of the year and people come to me regularly all the time. And I don’t know if it’s time that is you know the time of year. That is the cause of the decision making, but also I think there can be events or people or, you know, if your spouse has a dying parent, are you going to leave them then?

Damona  9:08

Right. So you’re going to wait until August.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  9:12

So I don’t know, I don’t know, if I would. But you know, indulge the trend or the statistics too much like your time is your time. There could be so many different reasons and so many different factors. There can be finances, it finance issues, kid issues, job issues, sex issues, and I think that any of those issues can happen anytime of the year.

Damona  9:35

Yeah. And especially in January as we are reassessing. As I said at the beginning of the show, what we want for the next year, I’m thinking about Can I actually be announced to me in this relationship and other year, right, right. Well, we’re talking about splits though. There’s a split of a different kind that’s happening. You all probably read about it. Megan, Markel, and Harry are stepping back from the royal family. They’re now saying They’re going to split their time between North America and the UK, and they want to become financially independent from the royal family. This is big news. And I know it’s like it feels sort of tableting like, Oh my god, they’re stepping back. But this really is, is a statement in their relationship together. And I’ve always said to my husband, we are on the same team. And once you partner with someone in a way that becomes your team, and they become in first position, not that your family is no longer important, but this person now becomes your family and your number one in a relationship that’s working. I’ve seen relationships not work where they were the mother or Yeah, still number one. So I think this is this is a statement of, of Harry saying, I first Yes, I am committed to this to this family. I don’t know how he’s gonna do for a man that has never worked a day in his life and probably has never had to do anything for himself. I don’t know how he’s really going to be like, so grown and financially independent. So you might see things shifting on that. But what do you think overall of this move? And is it as significant as the media is making it seem?

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  11:13

Uh, is it as significant as the media? I think

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  11:15

it is pretty significant. I mean, they’re really, you know, breaking a historical pattern. Right. So I think it is pretty major. It will be interesting to see how he financially supports himself. But I also think he’s going to have all kinds of crazy opportunities where people are just going to be like there with a bunch of money for him to thrive. But

Damona  11:37

yeah, I think it

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  11:38

is a pretty big deal that they’re making this big statement, and it’s a test dementor how devoted they are to each other and to their child. And I gotta say, I’m not surprised. Like when I read it, I do think it’s a big deal. But I was like, that makes sense

Damona  11:54

to me. Yes. Well, it seems to have been a gradual progression, right? Yeah. They’ve been She’s there been a lot of reports of her doing things different than the tradition they didn’t give their son, a traditional royal title. So I think it’s been coming for a while. And you know, the story is and I don’t have any insider information, people that listen to the show, know that I actually I knew Megan from college and I know her mom. And so I don’t have any insider information, you guys. I do not know anything. But I really wonder if it’s actually them fully making this decision. Or if this is a little bit coming from the royal family of like, you’re doing things a little too differently. And why don’t you go ahead and and make your own choices.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  12:39

Interesting. Oh, no.

Damona  12:41

I heard also that that Charles had been saying he wanted to take some people off with the Royal payroll. So maybe, maybe Harry just like fell off. I think

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  12:52

Harry’s mother’s looking down being like, amen, kid.

Damona  12:56

You’re right. I really did things

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  12:57

differently to and really And I think he’s really stepping into her shoes right she’s he’s his mother son.

Damona  13:06

Exactly in this new classy way. Yeah, well we’re stepping into the break girl because we have so much more to talk about about heartbreak and and getting over a relationship ending and moving on and finding the love that’s going to really fulfill you in this new year. So we’re going to take we’re going to take a quick break but when we come back, we’ll have more with Claire burn. lovers, we are back with Claire the heartbreak coach talking about how you can heal your heart this January 1 clear I just want to acknowledge this the beginning of this process. It’s tough, right? Once you’ve made a decision, just to assess this person is not is not the right person for me or this relationship is not moving in the direction that I wanted to go. That takes a lot of courage. Just to be able to to admit that and have that conversation, even if it’s happened to you to have that conversation with yourself, if it’s happening to you, or if you are the one making the choice, it’s not your person. And there there’s a period of mourning that in a way that has to happen from that.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  14:16

Absolutely. I think sometimes clients come to me and they’re like, you’re the heartbreak coach. So you’re just going to make me feel better. And I think a huge part of the process and the biggest first step that you have to take is to grieve, grieve the pain grieve the loss, even if you know it isn’t right. It’s still grieving what you hoped it could have been. And then also really being with the fear of well then is my person really out there like really consciously moving through all of that to then shift your perspective on it so that again, you can create space for falling in love with yourself before and getting really clear about what didn’t work in that relationship to then go eyes wide open into the next one, and not the The next one has any guarantees, right? But to just really consciously look at what didn’t work, move through the pain, move through the loss, move through the fear of what’s next. And, and not numb out and escape those emotions and feelings, which is what we really want to do.

Damona  15:16

Yeah, and what I think our society has been trained to do, like you don’t feel good, take a pill for it. And even just as a dating coach, a lot of what I have people do is feel their feelings on the date. I was just on the phone with a client earlier and she said, it’s been so helpful to her in working with me through that, because she would go on these dates and just like check the check the list of like, does he have that is he that and she was in her head the whole time. And I said, Stop, stop, stop. We’ve got to get into the feeling of what does it even feel like to be with this person? We already know you’re on the date with them. He hits the basic checked the basic boxes, he hits the basic criteria, but how how does it feel to be with them and so it’s how Like what you’re telling people to do is to really feel their feelings of this loss, rather than just sweeping it under the rug and just moving on into the next relationship.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  16:11

Absolutely consciously processing your pain. I am big into committing to a mindfulness practice meditation, yoga, breath, work stillness, just like coming into the body and locating where you’re storing the emotional pain and breathing through it and being with it and honoring it because loss is a part of life. And at some point, you’re going to live sorry to get super morbid, but we’re going to lose people who pass on right? We have to learn how to be with our negative emotion and to your point, I think today more than ever, pop a pill, go shopping, and get get a massage, take a trip, get a new job, change your hair and like all those things, right when you’re inspired to kind of do a big shift or, you know, redesign your poem or something like that, because you’re inspired to do something different and step into a different way of expressing yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that. But just be really careful that you’re not using those things to cover over the pain that you’re experiencing. Hmm.

Damona  17:13

And once you’ve done that, what is the next step?

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  17:17

I think you have to get clear on what you really want. Is this a time to Are you ready? Like get really savvy? Are you really ready to date someone else again? Are you healed and clear from that past relationship? Or is this a time for you to really start dating yourself? I have a lot of clients who just they want to find their person and don’t want to be alone with our feelings I just recorded for my podcast, the last episode, it’s coming out next week. It’s called befriending loneliness. You know, when when my clients say to me, I’m lonely. I’m like, What’s so bad about that?

Damona  17:51

Well, there’s a difference in my book between alone and lonely and I spend a lot of my my time I’m single before I met my husband, and I had to really get comfortable with being alone. And this is an exercise I have my a lot of my clients like date yourself for a while and I know we’ve here that like date yourself date. What does that mean? That means be okay, going to a restaurant without another owner and not being immersed in your phone or having some way to distract only if a creeper is approaching

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  18:27

you?

Damona  18:30

Yeah, yeah, you have to have strategies and tactics like plan. Expect the best plan for the worst. thought it’s very important, but it’s amazing what you experienced when you just like get up and out and look around and look people in the eye and feel I used to feel bad when I see people sitting alone in a restaurant and be like, Oh, that sounds sad. They don’t have anyone to eat with. Yeah. But then when you choose to be alone in certain moments, and you let yourself Sit in that awkward place of like, Who am I? What do I love about myself? How do I feel in my own body? How do I feel in this space, you start to figure out things that you never could figure out when you’re in that relationship, and you’re always bouncing your own ideas and feelings and thoughts off of another person and in what they want. I mean,

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  19:22

I totally agree with that. And I also think that we’re going to have uncomfortable, lonely moments. I’m crazy about the guy that I’m with. He lives two hours away. But I think even if we were living in the same town, I’m going to have pockets of loneliness at certain times. He has a very full life. I have a very full life. There are moments where I’m alone, where I’m just like, wow, it’s just me right now. Whoa. And when I moved into a new place in, in LA, I’ve lived here for six years, but I moved in. There was an unassembled coffee table at the bottom of the steps outside my apartment waiting for me and I thought it was going to come assembled The way it was and I looked at it and I had that moment and And to your point I’ve really gotten so comfortable being alone. And when that coffee table showed up I just had that like my stomach just dropped and I was like if I had a man this is pre being in my relationship like there’s there were moments where I’m like, Whoa, this loneliness factor this desire for someone to just help me right there’s and then and then on the flip side of that, it’s like Claire, you’re a badass you just did this and I flipped the thing. up the steps into the apartment, of course I called TaskRabbit

Damona  20:35

TaskRabbit changed my life. Like that moment of

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  20:39

Oh, it’s like it would just be so nice to be like, babe this

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  20:43

unassembled coffee table Can you help

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  20:44

me do that? Right there little moments that surprised me. But I’m like, okay, and I move through that. It doesn’t have to be this like,

Damona  20:51

Oh

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  20:52

no, I felt lonely. We came into this world alone. We’re going to leave this world alone but majority of us right so Get comfortable with being lonely. I just had a client say this, she finally ended this this gray area of vague relationship. And she said, I’m noticing I love that she really caught herself. Like I’m noticing. I’m going to bed and I’m going to bed later and I’m just outside of myself. I’m on my phone. I’m watching Netflix, I stay up later to escape what I don’t want to feel like even closing my eyes to go to sleep and feel sad. And I’m like, What if you shut off all your screens, and you got into your bed and tears fell down your face because you missed him and you felt lonely and you move through that and she was like, scary. It’s so scary, but I think it’s so necessary. You have just circling back to what’s the first thing to do when you’re moving through the loss of a relationship feel your pain.

Damona  21:49

How much do you recommend reassessing the relationship and going back and figuring out where did things go wrong because usually that ends point was not that was not the endpoint, even though like some of my clients

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  22:03

come to me, they’re like, I had no idea was coming. And then you look back and then you’re like, oh,

Damona  22:09

how much of your process involves that assessment of what what happened?

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  22:14

It really depends. It’s a good question. I think it really depends on each individual situation. Some people it’s just so clear, and some people are like, I’m completely blindsided. But I never believe the blinds. I mean, I believe that they’re blindsided when they say they are. But then as we unravel and go over things, like I have one client, where she she was completely blindsided that he ended it but then ultimately, she was saying, I love you. And he hadn’t said it back yet for months. I’m like, so you were way more invested in this relationship than he was and then he ultimately ended it like you and she said, You know, he was traumatized from a previous relationship, divorce and all of that, so she wanted to just love him enough and, and I said, that’s a beautiful thing, but you were missing That it wasn’t a reciprocal relationship

Damona  23:03

we get caught up in stories

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  23:05

is, I’m still guilty of that.

Damona  23:09

We all do we all do. We want the happy ending. And we, we impose our narrative on what’s happening. And there’s a process of just flipping the perspective. And like you said, just really seeing Well, what am I getting back here. And even, I was talking with a client recently about just creating enough space to hear what the other person thinks, and being brave enough to accept whatever outcome you got. So I mean, we’re getting a little bit away from breakups, but this is a place where I know a lot of a lot of our listeners are of just just being willing to put out what you want and what you need, and letting in where you are and letting it be okay if that person can’t meet those needs, and knowing that there will be someone else out there that could do that. But as long as you stay in that relationship that’s not doing that, that every time you say I love you, he’s like, you’re cool. It’s actually it’s actually doing damage to you, and it’s preventing you from being able to experience something greater.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  24:18

I totally agree. And I think that those are the two hardest parts, right? It’s healing from the pain of the person not reciprocate, reciprocating how you feel about that person, and then carving out space to believe that there is someone out there who will give you that I think, I actually think my clients move through the healing of the heartbreak quicker than they move through the belief that that the right person is out there because the healing the heartbreak is shifting the story of what already happened. But then the next level of the work that I do with them is being the woman in their ideal relationship before the partner appears. And that’s what the mindset Work and that’s what the belief work. And that’s how I truly believe I created the relationship I’m in now,

Damona  25:06

can you give us a little taste of that mindset work we talked about? We talked about doing meditation and breath work. And, you know, we ran through

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  25:17

the body where it were, yeah, possible options. Then there’s a tool that I use that was designed by a coach named Brooke Castillo, she created a thought model tool called the model and she breaks down showing you how your thoughts create your results in every area of your life, your relationship with your health, with your money, with family members, with your partner with your ex with yourself. And it’s just a genius tool. And I really just show my clients, their minds with this model. What are you thinking about your ex? How does that make you feel? And then what actions are you taking and then what results are you getting? So if a client is thinking, let’s call him john, right circumstances, john, the thought is, I mean, this is just an example from a first session that I had with a client yesterday. She said, Why wasn’t I enough for him? Right? And so when you’re thinking the thought I wasn’t enough for him that makes you feel unworthy, inadequate, insecure, unlovable. And then what are the actions that she’s taking? She said, she’s not getting sleep. She’s not really living her best life. She’s not really present in all the other areas of her life. She goes over all the things that didn’t work, all the things, all the ways and then thinking of all the time that she quote, unquote, wasted with him and all the time she put in fighting for the relationship, right? So she’s still very much in her brain about him, and then the result is still heartbroken. Right? So then we jump into a new model. The circumstance is always going to be the same and it’s totally neutral. Just this one person, john, right. And then we skip the thought live. For a second and we go to the feelings instead of unworthy, unlovable, inadequate, how do you want to feel about him? And here’s the tricky part because everybody wants to be like neutral over it. I don’t care, right but your brain is currently very charged around the person. So you’re lying to yourself to think that you can all of a sudden plug into a new model that you’re going to be completely neutral. So it’s so I offer and also you’re not going to go from unlovable to totally lovable, right? You have to be really savvy with what can feel a little bit better, a little bit more freeing, and still true for my brain to wrap your head around. So we come up with

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  27:37

I came

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  27:38

I came up with this particular one. How does clarity and peace feel?

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  27:44

Just clarity and peace.

Damona  27:47

And that’s specific to so first example was sort of vague just like over it. But clarity knowing this person is not right for you and peace knowing that I’m going to be okay.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  28:01

Yeah, peace with the situation in peace with how she showed up and, and she was great. It was her first session and she came up with a better feeling thought and I had the same one in my brain, but I always like to let them try first. But in the beginning, it’s kind of hard to get out of the tape, the old tape that you’ve been playing, right. And the thought that she came up with was, I was a really amazing partner to him. And when I love I love hard, and now I’m showing up in a different way to really love me just as much and learn how to show up differently in relationships, right? Like that relationship that five and a half years that she was with him, brought her to and I don’t mean this be like brought her to me. She’s Welcome to then sign up for coaching to really do an overhaul of how she was showing up not just in her relationship with him, but her relationship with herself. And she wants to find love and so how does she healed the relationship and then build her own self esteem and know that Really getting all of my clients to a place that whether someone stays or goes has no reflection on her worth,

Damona  29:07

right. And like you said she was a great partner to him. And she has to acknowledge that some element of it is just history.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  29:19

If we had time, like the story, it was totally all it was clear as day for me hearing the story. And she can. She’s in

Damona  29:26

Yeah, she could be a great partner to him. And it can still not be the right fit. But that tells me she could be a great partner to someone else who could be a great partner to her as well. There’s so much in here, Claire, and we could talk about this for ages but we also have specific questions from our listeners that they’ve submitted. So we’re going to take a break, but if you want more if you want to explore this heartbreak coaching, this is really like just the beginning with surface. Yeah, there’s on Instagram at Claire. heartbreak coach and people can also find Claire online at Claire the heartbreak coach. com So more with Claire in just a moment and we’ll be answering your questions.

We are back with Claire the heartbreak coach and we have some really, really interesting questions in this this week’s episode. And first I just want to thank all of the listeners who have been submitting questions lately. We’ve been getting a lot of questions. So far this year, everyone, I guess everyone’s looking for a new relationship clarity on their relationship. And we love helping you so you can always send me your questions on Instagram at damona Hoffman or at damona Hoffman calm there’s an easy way to submit there and it can always be anonymous, if you would like it to be. We do have an anonymous question that was sent to us from Instagram from a longtime listener. She says I’m 32 year old I’m 32 year old woman, and I have a six year old and the guy I was seeing is 29 with an 18 month old and baby mama drama. We were together only three and a half months, but we were exclusive. And I realized a couple weeks ago that I’m pregnant. He took two weeks to process the news and then broke up with me because he doesn’t want the baby. Now she says I don’t believe in abortions, but I told he told me to to go as, as in he was done. And he doesn’t want to be with me. I know he’s scared, but I’m so scared and mad and heartbroken at the same time. Any advice would be appreciated and she’s wondering Should I try to reach back out to him?

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  31:39

Oh, that is a huge resounding no.

Damona  31:41

Yes. So you’re the heartbreak coach. So I’m going to have you talk talk from the perspective of loneliness heartbreak too.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  31:49

Absolutely. I mean, but just even as a heartbreak coach, I really do try to keep stay tight lipped, but just because we’re having a conversation here. I don’t tell my friends Clients what to do. But I also do think here a man when he tells you he does not want to be with you, and he does not want to be involved in the child and if he has a change of heart and he comes back and hopefully he’s done some work and some soul searching, right? Never say never, we don’t know. But I think that just going back to what you and I were talking about in the beginning, you fall apart, girlfriend, fall

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  32:25

apart,

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  32:26

let yourself grieve, this is a super painful time. This is a super scary time. You’re a single mom already and about to have this other kid and I also think my hat is off to you that you’re going to still have this child. I think that’s super brave and commendable. And you 100% can do this and you can figure this out, but you have to grieve, you have to fall apart, and then you’ve got to figure out your life. I don’t say this to sound harsh, but I use this term of this little phrase earlier and Brooke Castillo offered at her coach Frank Kern offer this phrase and I use it all the time. Make it math, not drama. Like what are the facts what needs to be taken care of. So first fall apart, feel your feelings and then Okay, you’re about to bring a second child into this world so single

Damona  33:19

mom already

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  33:21

as a single mom already, but those are all neutral facts. You are a single mom, you have a kid and you are now about to have another baby. You can let your brain go oh

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  33:31

my

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  33:32

god, how am I going to do this? This is so scary. This is so painful. I can’t believe he did this. Where did he go? I’m heartbroken and moving through and all the drama or you can say okay, I have made this decision. I am bringing this child into this world. My heart is still going to keep hurting. I’m going to lean into that again. I I highly recommend talking to a coach or a therapist and moving through this for sure get professional help. we all we all need someone I work with coaches. So I’m a big fan of coaching and I’ve worked with a therapist for many years. So whatever, whoever is the right fit for you. So so you know, have someone in place for yourself, move through the the motions. And also what I always want everyone to remember is that moving through heartbreak is not a linear process. So some days are going to be okay, I’m doing this I’m a badass, I’m bringing a second baby into this world. And I’m standing on my own two feet. And I’m doing this like, I’m amazing. And I’m a warrior woman. Yes. And then you can go to bed and be like, Oh my god, how am I going to do this? Right, your brain is going to go all over the place. And so you just have to meet yourself where you’re at and then you’re pregnant. So your hormonal so things are going to feel

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  34:45

much heavier. So

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  34:47

not only having a professional in place to help guide you through this, but also leaning on solid loved ones who can support you through this time as well. And then what what’s it going to take? I don’t know what you’re doing. ob situation is your financial situation is but then like,

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  35:02

go take care of business to prepare for this second child

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  35:06

to come into the world. And, and you know, I have never heard of someone say, Well, I’m so upset I had that second kid. And it sounds like you’re not that person either, right that this is also a beautiful thing that’s happening. Maybe this man came into this life, it came into your life for this new jury, you know, and I know that that might be hard to hear right now because you’re just devastated and gutted over the loss of him. But you have this new, precious little human coming in and you’re committed to this little human and this family that you’re creating, and, you know, jury’s out on whatever happens with him. But 100% He has made it clear, don’t go chasing after someone who said he’s out and it they were together just three and a half months.

Damona  35:52

So the reality is, as much as you may have felt bonded to this person, you really didn’t know who he was. And this is event is showing you who he really is. And I also I commend her for deciding to keep this baby. But I also want to remind her or anyone listening who has been in the situation are going to be in the situation in the future. There are other options too, even if you don’t believe in in terminating a pregnancy, there are other people who really are desperately desiring a child to raise in this world. And there there are open adoption situations and there are a lot of options available to you that might not be apparent at the moment. So I completely agree, Claire, that if you get Greenpoint into a therapy, arrangement or coaching arrangement, someone that can help you find resources in your area just to help you work through it, and look, he can say I don’t want to be in this relationship. That is his prerogative. He could also be responsible for he is respond Yeah, he is financially responsible for this child.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  36:58

So you can That wasn’t clear in the message if, if he’s willing to, it doesn’t

Damona  37:03

sound like you can go as it done like, guess what Honey, you don’t get to be done. Because you, you are part of this and you made this decision to. So 100% if you keep this child, he needs to, he needs to be held accountable for his choices. And he needs to be financially responsible for this child. So Promise me that you are going to pursue the actions that you need to to make sure that your children are taken care of, if you do decide to raise to raise this boy and then also remember your mom of six year old, I’m a mom, too. And it’s it. I find it’s a lot easier to get through that step you were saying of like, what do I need to do when you have a kid there that doesn’t fully understand what’s going on and still needs to be taken care of. So take care of the baby that’s in your tummy, take care of the baby that you already have. And that keeping the focus on what is really important right now in kids. Yes. raising these kids is probably something that will also help you move through this.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  38:04

Absolutely and I, I say this with caution because I, my heart goes out to you. But really be careful to not indulge your victim story like this is an opportunity for you to be the heroine of your story and yeah, fight for those babies and to your point make sure that you are financially capable of taking care of them and make sure that he is responsible I think that’s an excellent point. And and if you have made those this choice, then own that choice and grieve the loss of him. I also think you make an excellent point. It’s funny because I’m just over three months dating my boyfriend and it’s pretty serious and and real and it’s been different from many other relationships. But we still do honor that we are still getting to know each other and learning how to communicate and me being vulnerable and asking for what I need and vice versa. Like those are hard things so you can feel I feel so in love with my boyfriend. And still be aware that we don’t fully know

Damona  39:03

each other yet.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  39:04

And so really recognizing that like you didn’t know this person and not that that should be an opportunity to shame yourself. But yeah, now you’ve learned who he really is because this could have happened at six and a half months or nine and a half months or two years and he could have bounced, and, you know, that to me is showing that he’s not emotionally available and it’s a testament to his character, right? So is this the person that you think you’re so madly in love with because that the person who I’m madly in love with and I don’t mean my boyfriend specifically, right? When I think about the person who I want to attract in my life, he’s just a stand up human and like, rises to the occasion in times of crisis and not that a pregnancy should be crisis, right but it’s a crisis if your baby Daddy’s going to leave,

Damona  39:51

right yeah, it’s a serious event. Yeah, I’m actually get a little bit yeah, yeah. So we wish we wish you the best and you

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  39:58

keep please I would love to updates on how she’s doing. So I hope she will

Damona  40:03

I will send you updates. If she sends me updates. I will keep doing dates and mate. So as things evolve, please continue to ask us questions. We have one more question that came to us from Pamela. Pamela. I had to like, paraphrase this a little bit, so don’t get mad at me girl. But she is a she’s a black woman. She’s 39 she says I was raised to pray, do ministry and go to school and I just thought that the right man would appear in my life. Not true. She’s She’s also highly educated. She has two master’s degrees. And she she also takes her education, obviously very seriously in her career very seriously. But she says she’s never she has no real dating experience. She’s never been in love. She’s a late bloomer. And now her Christianity has evolved to be a very little liberal Christian, and she’s having trouble finding people that are at her same level of, of, of religious, you know, commitment. Yeah. And she said many of the men that she talks to her either judgy because she’s too religious or not religious enough. What would you recommend that she do at at age 39 to finally find that love that that she desires?

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  41:28

Well, what I’m hearing is that she has lots of thoughts about what’s not working in her love life, right? It’s I’m that I’m highly educated, and I’m this way and so therefore, it’s making it hard for me to find the right guy and they’re either too judgy or what was the other?

Damona  41:45

There are two. They’re judging because she’s either too religious or not religious enough. Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. Right.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  41:52

It’s just, it’s like, she’s in indulging her story of what isn’t working. Hmm. And I do think it’s hard because I’m curious where she lives geographically. Because I think, you know, if you’re looking to date only Jewish people like you, right, LA, New York, a lot of Jewish people, right, cool. Yeah. Right. So it’s like I’m hearing her that that religion is important to her with a liberal angle on her Christianity. Right. So then I do want to just be clear, it’s like, on the one hand, I’m hearing her mindset is all off. But I’m also hearing like, for me if I I mean, I was raised Irish Catholic. I’m not I don’t practice now. But like I would, if that mattered to me, I would go find that community because I mean, here in LA, there are definitely liberal Christian groups. Sure. There’s, I mean, there’s a liberal Catholic Church in Santa Monica that I used to go to years ago. And so I mean, go to go find them. And if that means you have to move. If it’s that important to you, like how badly do you want to immerse yourself in a community where you find your people to read the That I’ve definitely heard people say I live in. I’m thinking of one person in particular, I live in rural Michigan, and it’s just impossible to find, like the kind of guy okay, then you might and she’s very cosmopolitan and stylish and high end and all the things and I’m like, you might need to

Damona  43:15

move right,

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  43:16

you’re looking for a particular type. So I will give you that that’s the only the action step if you go back to the thought model that I was talking about, right, that a line so again, you have a circumstance, my dating life, the thought is, I can’t find a guy who is you know, the perfect blend of my Christianity, right? And then the feeling is frustration discouragement, and then the action is just keep dating and you’re believing the story that there to judge you that I’m too religious or not religious enough. And the result is you keep finding that your thoughts create your results. So I would just want to make clear, move to a place where you know that there’s there’s a population of people that are practicing what you preach. Right.

Damona  44:01

But even like getting immersed in those, those worlds like I had, I had a client actually, who is Christian, she came to me saying, I’m looking for a Christian man. And I want somebody who will pray with me. And she had a very clear idea of what that looked like. And so I said, Okay, well go to church, go to these kind of organizations, do this philanthropy work with these Christian organizations and be in a place where you’re around other Christians. She’s online for two weeks, Claire, and then she ended up meeting someone who she has fallen madly in love with. They’ve now been together for seven months. He’s not a Christian. He’s not a Christian, but he respects her beliefs. And he is willing, he’s open enough to he’s not judging of what she is important to her. And that’s, I think the thing finding and yeah, I’m not knocking anyone who, who puts religion at the top of their list I used to write for jadeite. I have a lot of clients who are Christian. My mother is a devout Christian. A lot of people in my world that is it. Yeah, that is number one on their criteria list. But it’s exactly what you said clear. Don’t make that don’t make that the story of why you haven’t met that person. Yeah. And I will say as a black female There is also this feeling of we read stats like black women send out the most messages on dating apps and get the fewest responses that’s a stat from okay Cupid. Black women aren’t getting married, highly educated black women aren’t able to find a match and there’s some truth to the statistics that highly educated women overall if they’re only open to dating someone at the same or just got two masters.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  45:47

Why she was sharing that information. What is her education has to do with finding her man that was another thing that popped out at me. Like who cares what you do, really, but

Damona  45:57

it’s because that that’s how a lot of women are made. That another primary criteria, so she’s only dating someone that’s at her education level or higher than her pool will be limited and does feel

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  46:08

absolutely. But so it’s funny because the way I interpreted that was like, I’m this great catch. I don’t understand why I’m not meeting. And that’s how I interpreted that. And I think that and so your interpretation could probably be more accurate, but just know it’s

Damona  46:23

a good point, though to like, so so why

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  46:25

I mean, congratulations on your Yeah, I mean, you sound like an amazing catch. I’m not saying you’re not but just careful with like, I’m these things. And so this is what I’m looking for, and it’s not working, right. You’re you’re thinking your dating life isn’t working. So what’s your result? The thought, my dating, life isn’t working. And the result is it’s not working, you’re still single, right? And you said, I’ve never been in love, like you have this whole painful story that needs to be unraveled. And so I think when I attracted my boyfriend, and My life, I created something called the belief man plan. And I thought about all the way so I got my business to where I wanted to get it and last year like I wanted to hit 20 clients and have my podcast off the ground and was just in this great place. So I put all my energy and focus into my career I got it to where I wanted it to be. And then I was like, Okay, now we’re not messing around the it’s time to welcome love into my life. I thought to myself, well, if I created 20 clients with my mind, I can create one man with my mind. And I thought about how I would feel really how I would feel with this. Oh, sorry, let me back up. I thought about who he is. Yes. And I didn’t get into what he looks like. The only superficial criteria I have is height because I’m very tall.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  47:50

But other than that, I noticed

Damona  47:53

for those of you that don’t know,

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  47:55

other than that, I don’t have coloring. I don’t have I like I literally Just Just Who is this man and I, I wanted him to, I want it to be crazy attracted to him. But I didn’t have all these like physical requirements. I wanted him to be emotionally available. I wanted our senses of humor to really click, I wanted him to be ambitious and thriving in his own area of whatever his career is. I did not need him to have money, I do very well for myself. I care more about his ambition and his purpose in his life versus how much money he can make. Because I believe if I want to have financial abundance, I can create that I care way more about emotional availability, connection, commitment, loyalty, monogamy, kindness, trust, honesty, those things matter values so much more to me than money. And again, going back to your point of all the different boxes to check, and I’m turning 39 in a month, so I’m really just like, I’m not messing around and like I’m very clear of what I thought mattered to me back in the day and what It doesn’t so I got so clear on all of those qualities that he has. And then I thought how would I feel being with a man that just like the physical connection, the emotional safety, the fun, the calmness, the relief, the relaxation, just like oh, like even when I just say it my whole body just like melts and relax, I see it and then I and then it’s like, well, what would I be thinking in my relationship with him? What are the thoughts that I would think right thoughts create results right? And so what thoughts what I think to feel emotionally safe and sexy and relaxed and happy and giddy? right and and so I came up with a list of things that I would think if he was here in my life, and just just random different ones like it so basic, and then some are way more specific, but I’m a huge fan of the bachelor and so am I One of the thoughts that I had is I love coming home at the end of a long run well I coach from home but I love at the end of a long day, him coming home and us curling up with a glass of red wine and watching the bachelor and him kind of eye rolling me but tolerating my 12 year old obsession, I identify as a 12 year old trapped in a 30, almost 39 year old woman’s body with my obsession with the Bachelor. And just like him getting a kick out of my ridiculous emotional investment in these characters, right? Just just painting the picture and imagining what it would look like now I don’t have as a requirement to be clear, my man needs to watch The Bachelor with me just little tidbits like that. And then another thought that I had was whether we’re together or separate or out with friends, I love just knowing that he is mine and I’m his. And another thought that I had was every single heartbreak and event in my life had to happen to lead me to him and same for him with me.

Damona  50:57

Like what and then it all happened

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  50:58

and then it all happen and I I would read these every morning with my meditation with my other mindset work. And I would just like read it and feel that in my body and move through my day. And then like one random night, I’m literally like Swiffer in my apartment swiping on Bumble and I match with him. And I was just like, he lives two hours away. He mentioned he lived two hours away. And so then I like dropped off because I’m like, I’m so over these guys have come in and sex with a girl for our night.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  51:27

And then he was called back and he was just like,

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  51:30

so I know, we’re not exactly neighbors and I, you know, head back home tomorrow, but I would really love to meet in person at some point if you would be up to it. And I was like,

Damona  51:37

Oh, that’s really nice. I like it all happening.

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  51:43

Yeah, but I committed to being the woman in her ideal relationship. And I think the feeling and I didn’t have this like criteria on paper, it was values and connection and wanting the same things. I love this. This is actually you don’t know what that you’re doing this but you dovetailing really perfectly into all of the steps in for anyone that attended the webinar I did yesterday on the five steps in the dating funnel. mindset is the first step. And

Damona  52:10

everything that Clara saying you guys do it, everything that you’re saying really do wet because

Claire The Heartbreak Coach  52:17

I do this with my coaches. They’ll be like, well your belief is off, right? Or your you know, I’m a business coach and a personal coach. And she’s like, what are you believing? And I’m like, I’m bleeding this insistence. She’s like, yes, you need to really carve out the time and I’ve done a ton of belief work and I did it to attract my man and I did it to create the business to where I got it. But sometimes I would like hey, I believe work, whatever. mindset work, whatever, right? And it’s, it’s not just right, don’t just do it once, actually, like you said, practice right? When you go to the gym multiple times a week to keep your body strong. Download your thoughts shift your mind. I do it almost every day five out of seven days. And like not just write it out and be like that’s a better thought to put in because that sounds better. It’s like No Do I feel that in my body does that feel real for me? Is that something that my brain can really shift into believing because again, your thoughts create your results. So don’t don’t be asking yourself just to be a good student, like really implemented into your body. I love you commit to it. I love it

Damona  53:17

for anyone that is still working through this step and would like heartbreak coaching, please reach out to Claire, she is at Claire the heartbreak coach calm or you can find her on Instagram at Claire, the heartbreak coach, thank you so much, much for having me. demonte This was so much fun. I enjoyed it too. And I hope that everyone got what they needed for the new year. By the way, no pressure, but Valentine’s Day is in 30 days, no pressure. So if if you are ready to date differently, you want to do some of these exercises and and go a level deeper and go through that entire dating funnel to figure out where you keep looping and where you keep getting stuck in love. I Do have a solution for you. And it’s a 30 day dating playbook. And you can find it at 30 day dating calm and who knows, maybe by Valentine’s Day, you might be in the arms of your new boo like men. But it just takes 30 days to begin a new habit and to to commit to yourself. So I’d love to help you out at 30 day dating.com. I hope you enjoyed Episode 292 of dates. And again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. I want to hear your questions. I want to hear updates if you submitted a question, and I would love to keep helping you on this journey to find love. Thank you so much for being here. Until next week. I wish you happy dating