Feeling like your emotional baggage is weighing down your love life? 

We’ve all got some baggage weighing us down when it comes to dating – from stylish little clutches to oversized trunks stuffed with past experiences. While some of us try to sneak our baggage through security unnoticed, the truth is: at some point in every relationship, we’ll need to open those bags and sort through what’s inside.

Join us for an eye-opening conversation with renowned psychologist Dr. Alfiee as we unpack the complexities of modern dating and mental health. Dr. Alfiee shares game-changing perspectives that will transform how you think about emotional wellness in dating. (She even had Damona tearing up – but don’t worry, the mascara stayed intact!)

Then, stay tuned for this week’s Dear Damona, where we help a listener navigate the dating scene after a marriage that started too young and lasted too long. Is it ever too late for a fresh start? (Spoiler alert: absolutely not!)

(2:10) Meet Dr. Alfiee

Meet this week’s guest: Dr. Alfiee Breland-Noble, a brilliant psychologist and scientist whose work is transforming mental health care through her nonprofit, the AAKOMA Project.

You might know her voice from The Washington Post, CNN, The New York Times, or her insightful podcast “Couched in Color.”

But what makes her perfect for our conversation? She brings a genuine, clear-eyed perspective to mental health, culture, and relationships that will change how you think about your own emotional wellness journey.

Stop Looking for Your Other Half (5:13)

Dr. Alfiee challenges a common misconception in dating: the idea that two halves make a whole. 

“You don’t want half a partner,” she explains. “You want two whole partners coming together to make a whole relationship.” 

This means showing up as your complete self rather than expecting someone else to complete you.

Are You Really “Avoidant” – or Just Adapting? (17:52)

While attachment styles are trending in dating advice, Dr. Alfiee offers a fresh perspective: our patterns aren’t just shaped by our parents but by our entire community – including extended family, cultural background, and early experiences.

What might look like “avoidant” behavior could actually be a healthy adaptation to specific cultural or family dynamics.

The Mental Health Conversation: When and How? (21:20)

When it comes to dating someone managing their mental health, Dr. Alfiee emphasizes looking at the whole picture.

If someone trusts you enough to share their mental health journey, that’s often a sign of a strong foundation. 

The key isn’t the diagnosis – it’s how they manage it.

Moving Your Trauma to the Top Shelf (34:48)

Dr. Alfiee shares a powerful metaphor for healing: imagine your trauma as a book on a shelf. 

At first, it’s on the bottom shelf, easily within reach. As you heal, that book moves higher and higher. 

While the book never disappears, it becomes less accessible – you’re in control of when you take it down.

Dr. Alfiee’s Real Talk

• Dating isn’t easy, no matter what social media tells you.
• You can’t skip the self-work and expect relationship success.
• Trust your gut – but make sure you’ve done the work to understand what your gut is really telling you.

Connect with Dr. Alfiee:

• Website:DrAlfiee.com, AakomaProject.com
• IG: @dralfiee
• Podcast “Couched In Color”

(41:04) Dear Damona, Help Me!

 An email from a listener named Rebecca:

Dear Damona, 2024 has been the year of me. I want to make a purposeful decision about finding a relationship. I’m about to finish your newest book, so I’m off to a great start.

I want to include dating apps and organic meetings in my plan. However, I really have no idea where a 60-ish guy hangs out. Suggestions? I married too young and stayed too long, so I’m really out of the loop. Bars, cooking classes, the local YMCA? Thanks. Can’t wait to hear back from you.

Do you have questions? Damona has the answers! Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!