Pride & Prejudice

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Here at Dates & Mates, we are exhausted.

Exhausted from the events of the week, but also exhausted as women of color in America. (Shout out to Damona for being an OG champion of diversity!)

As Damona puts it in today’s episode, “For decades I’ve been shouting about racial injustice from the top of my lungs and I was starting to run out of breath so I’m relieved to see others now working to create conversation and enact change.”

We thought long and hard about whether or not to drop an episode of Dates & Mates this week but came to the conclusion that in times like these, it is my responsibility to keep using our voice.

The way that Damona uses her voice? To heal people and build bridges is through LOVE.

So today, we’ll be talking to Donny Meacham, a dating coach who is also a correspondent on Celebrity page TV, as well as a Sirius XM co-host and writer for Naught Gossip, Elite Daily and more. We’ll be talking about all things Pride and Love.

But first, we should address what is going on around us: 

SHOUT OUT TO MARSHA P JOHNSON (1:00)

In light of the week’s events, we had to ditch the dating dish and instead, Damona gives her perspective on the week’s events and to give you some historical context to what’s happening right now. She says:

“As I record this, it has recently been announced that a lot of pride parades will march in solidarity with the current Black Lives Matter protests, and before you say, not my March, those are two separate things.

I need you to look at the history of Pride Month, as this actually makes a lot of sense and I want to put this in context for you with a tiny history lesson.  On June 28 1969, police raided the Stonewall Inn, which was a meeting place for LGBTQ New Yorkers, and as a result a spontaneous protests broke out to oppose police violence against queer people in this country. And that’s why we now celebrate Pride Month in June.

Okay, you probably know that already. We’ve discussed it on Dates & Mates before. But one thing that I didn’t know and that you might not be aware of either, is that a trans woman of color was a part of initiating much of the gay rights movement, and in particular, the Stonewall riots.

And one woman who’s absolutely worth remembering is Marsha P. Johnson. The P and Marsha P. Johnson stood for a “pay it no mind”. And when people got too nosy about her, that’s what she would tell him she’d say “pay it no mind”.

Johnson saved lives and she spoke up and she put herself in the spotlight at a time that was dangerous for a transgender woman, even among the gay community, which sometimes silenced her or saw her identity as a trans woman as being contrary to their agenda. Marsha P. Johnson was a minority within a minority within a minority. And prior protests have often pitted one group against another. But what’s different about this movement that we’re going through right now is that we know that true change can only come when we link arms and speak up together. 

This is not a black issue. This is an American issue. This is an ‘us issue’. And that’s been the most beautiful part of watching this all unfold for me, seeing black people, white people, straight people and gay people all marching together, all demanding change, just as Marsha P. Johnson did so many years ago. So today, we will pay Marsha P. Johnson some mind because we know that the world just wasn’t ready for her yet. And I want to dedicate today’s show to her. She reminds me as I said last week, that love is what will get us all through. 

Let us not seek to divide ourselves again right now. Let us listen. Let’s invite others in and let love lead the way.

PRIDE (4:00)

Donny Meacham is the Millennial love guru who tells it like it is.  He is passionate about love and being sure you are mentally prepared for it when it comes. 

You’ve seen him on Celebrity Page TV and CoHosting the iHeart Radio Top 20 Entertainment podcast ‘Naughty But Nice’.

We discuss:

  • Dating app secrets for 
  • Dating and Date Ideas for this time
  • Is it really ghosting if you didn’t give them a second chance?
  • Taking chances in love

via GIPHY

Find Donny on Instagram @DatingDonny and make sure to check out his podcast, Naughty But Nice on all the podcast platforms!

TECHNICALLY DATING (27:45)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • I miss my ex and I’ve been tempted to reach out and check on him. Is this a good idea?
  • Alexander Host of On the Rocks Podcast: Tips for meeting someone for the first time after a couple of months of constant FaceTime dates.
  • Ned on Twitter: Dating a guy in NYC. He’s been very sweet and communicative via text and FaceTime. How do i know if any of it is real?!

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Donny Meacham  0:00  

What does his text me so frustrated? He’s just not that into me. I’ve always been battle. For attention. I’m ready for

Damona  0:12  

modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers, it’s Pride Month. And this is the time when we specifically celebrate love in all forms. You know that I’m always doing that on the dates and made show. But June is a time to remind us that love is love. And it doesn’t always come in the way that you’ve expected in or that society tells you is acceptable. I stand by my lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, asexual and queer listeners and everyone listening now regardless of how you identify. I know my regular listeners might be expecting a dating dish. But in light of the week’s events, I had to ditch the dating dish and instead, I’m choosing to give My perspective on the week’s events as a woman of color, and to give you some historical context to what’s happening right now. In a moment, we’ll be talking to Donnie Meacham, an LGBT dating coach who’s also a correspondent on Celebrity page TV on rails Channel, as well as a Sirius XM co host and writer for naughty gossip elite daily and more with him will discuss the dating app secrets for queer and straight singles. And he and I will also answer some of your questions like, how do you know if your long distance relationship is real, and tips for moving offline after several virtual dates? As I record this, it has recently been announced that a lot of pride parades will march in solidarity with the current Black Lives Matter protests, and before you say, not my March, those are two separate things. I need you to look at the history of Pride Month, as this actually makes a lot of sense and I want to put this in context for you with a tiny history lesson.  On June 28 1969, police raided the Stonewall Inn, which was a meeting place for LGBTQ New Yorkers, and as a result a spontaneous protests broke out to oppose police violence against queer people in this country. And that’s why we now celebrate Pride Month in June. Okay, you probably know that already. We’ve discussed it on Dates & Mates before. But one thing that I didn’t know and that you might not be aware of either, is that a trans woman of color was a part of initiating much of the gay rights movement, and in particular, the Stonewall riots. And one woman who’s absolutely worth remembering is Marsha P. Johnson. The P and Marsha P. Johnson stood for a “pay it no mind”. And when people got too nosy about her, that’s what she would tell him she’d say “pay it no mind”. Johnson saved lives and she spoke up and she put herself in the spotlight at a time that was dangerous for a transgender woman, even among the gay community, which sometimes silenced her or saw her identity as a trans woman as being contrary to their agenda. Marsha P. Johnson was a minority within a minority within a minority. And prior protests have often pitted one group against another. But what’s different about this movement that we’re going through right now is that we know that true change can only come when we link arms and speak up together. This is not a black issue. This is an American issue. This is an ‘us issue’. And that’s been the most beautiful part of watching this all unfold for me, seeing black people, white people, straight people and gay people all marching together, all demanding change, just as Marsha P. Johnson did so many years ago. So today, we will pay Marsha P. Johnson some mind because we know that the world just wasn’t ready for her yet. And I want to dedicate today’s show to her. She reminds me as I said last week, that love is what will get us all through. Let us not seek to divide ourselves again right now. Let us listen. Let’s invite others in and let love lead the way. Now, please, let’s give some love to my guest for today. Donnie Meacham is the millennial Love Guru who tells it like it is he is passionate about love and being sure that you are mentally prepared for it when it comes. You’ve seen him on Celebrity page TV, and co hosting the I Heart Radio top 20 Entertainment podcast naughty but nice. Please help me give some big smooches to Donnie Meachem.

Donny Meacham  4:55  

How are you?

Donny Meacham  4:57  

I am so excited to have you on the show.

Donny Meacham  5:00  

I’m excited to be here. I I’m actually a big fan of your site, listen to the podcast and I even though I talk about dating and relationships, I get a lot of my advice from you that

Damona  5:12  

we can get advice from each other. It’s like, yes, it’s like a circle of life here that’s happening.

Donny Meacham  5:17  

So I’m the worst Dad, I don’t actually take my own advice when it comes to

Donny Meacham  5:22  

my mother.

Damona  5:25  

She’s like, Oh, damona I can you can be my dating coach. And then and then I tell her what to do. And then she’s like, Oh, I’m not gonna do that. I’m like, what’s the point? Mom? What’s the point of that? Yeah, so it’s Pride Month, Donnie, and I’m really excited that you’re here and that you can share some advice for our LGBT q ay ay audience on above all of the above. And really what that means just want to break it down. For all of you listeners, it means that this show is for everybody. So don’t think that you’re if you’re if you don’t identify As one of the many letters that I just said that you’re like, Oh, this showing it for me, because the advice that Donnie is going to give you is going to resonate on in whatever situation that you’re in. So I know you’re a you’re a big fan of dating apps, and you’re up to speed on all the things that are happening. I’m really curious. What you have experienced as an LGBT dating coach, I’ll drop a few letters, but you guys know I inclusive. I’m including all of us.

Donny Meacham  6:33  

Yeah. Well, now we literally just say the word queer just kind of encompasses everybody.

Damona  6:38  

I was explaining this actually to my nine year old daughter, because she was like, I think his last Pride Month and she was asking me like, what’s the difference? And then and then I was like, queer is like the umbrella and then there’s like, all of these other and she got it. That’s what’s so cool. Donnie, she’s nine and she was like, Oh, cool. I got it. And it’s just like, so It’s so wonderful to be able to raise a child in a world where that is that that’s how she looks at the world. And that is just so like, when I was coming up, and I think you’re a little bit younger than me, but probably when you were when you were coming up to like, there were so many there was so much. There was so much weight around identification, right and like or how and having to choose a lane. So the fact that you can, you can either not have a lane necessarily or have many lanes or change lanes. It’s kind of cool,

Donny Meacham  7:40  

but you think, Oh, it’s so cool. And he’s mean your daughter, I wish that I because I’m from Alabama. So growing up there was imagine that being a gay kid in Alabama. It was hard. And your daughter though, is like she’s, she’s lucky in a way now that it’s cool. And it’s just like you have a word and it’s like, you know what the word just means ever. Hear everybody’s the same. We’re all cool. And what you were saying earlier about how the podcast is for everyone, because we think about it. Everyone dates. Dating doesn’t have like, there’s not only straight people date, it’s gay people date straight people, people who are bisexual people who, you know, don’t date at all. There’s like room for everybody, but we all need some sort of help, or we all want to talk about it. So that’s what the beauty about dating is, is that it’s universal.

Damona  8:26  

Hmm, yeah, that’s so true. And everybody, everybody wants love and everyone deserves us. And, and I’ll even include the asexual people. Cuz Everyone needs like that kind of companionship, and I feel like a lot of people now we’re coming out of this COVID Halo that we’ve been underneath. And a lot of people have kind of just sworn off dating. Like I was just talking with a client the other day and he was just like, I’m just kind of like he doesn’t like to just casually chat with people. So and he was finding that a lot of the guys he was talking to, were just looking for sort of quarantine pen pals. And he’s like, I’m not really into this, like, I want to actually meet in person and until they’re ready to do that, it’s not really worth my time to. What do you say to that?

Donny Meacham  9:20  

Well, that’s my thing is I, a lot of people are saying, Oh, datings got to be easier now. Because we’re all at home. And we literally don’t aren’t doing anything else. We should literally be focusing on dating and talking to people. But I find that that is actually a problem. It’s a hindrance, because we’re just sitting here, we’re bored. So it’s like, what do I need? I need a pen pal. Or going back to the old days of like, I just need somebody to text and to jump online, you find a random person because you’re tired of your roommate, or you’re tired of your friend or you’re tired of always talking to your family to you like, Oh, I talked to somebody new, but you’re not actually looking for a connection you’re looking for. Hey, what’s up? It’s like, Oh, well, I just hung at home today. It’s what you hung at home, and then the conversation ends.

Damona  10:03  

I don’t know about you, but I’ve done plenty of quarantine activities. I did drag queen bingo virtually I got the whole family doing it. We had a great time I did scavenger hunts. I like all these people that are like I’m bored and quarantine. I don’t understand. There’s so many things to do.

Donny Meacham  10:23  

Well, me I’ve just what’s funny is actually I played Bingo. The other day I went 200 bucks.

Donny Meacham  10:27  

What? I gotta get on your Bingo.

Donny Meacham  10:30  

Yeah, I was like what I was like, This is amazing. It that is the one beauty about this is people are being so creative. Yes. It’s what you got to be what you got to be creative in dating too. But I have found because I’ve I use Tinder personally. Tinder is like that’s my go to. Yeah, because some of the other apps aren’t fully inclusive of gay people, because they companies have come around within the years. I remember when Bumble was strictly just for You know, straight couples. Yeah. But then Bumble, like other companies realize that when you allow gay people on it, you increase your usage and you therefore increase revenue, which helps. But I use Tinder because it’s always been inclusive. But I found the same thing. I’m like, I’m matching with guys. But it’s been really weird because now the stay at home order. The algorithm has changed a lot to where I matched with this guy who like is serving overseas in Afghanistan. I was like, how did I have a 10 mile radius?

Damona  11:33  

Oh, yeah, they changed that Tinder changed it? Mm hmm. Yeah. Or whatever. Safer at home. Yeah. Safer

Donny Meacham  11:39  

at home. So I’m like, Alright, that’s cool. But and he’s a really cool guy. And he’s doing great things for children who are suffering over there. And like, That’s amazing. That’s beautiful. You’re great. But this is not going to go anywhere. Yeah, because you’re there. I’m here. And it just it can only go to pen pal. So it’s almost discouraged. Which I think they think it’s helping people because you’re opening yourself up to more matches, but it’s actually discouraging people because you know, right off the bat, this isn’t going anywhere I need to match with people who were physically within reach or physically within my limitations of eventually we will be able to meet up. And if we’re going to be able to meet up, I need to be able to drive to you or ride the train to you, or take an Uber to you

Donny Meacham  12:27  

actually touch you.

Donny Meacham  12:29  

At some point, we will have to touch each other again.

Damona  12:31  

Yeah, I am curious as now we are getting into the dating app discussion. algorithm algorithms, I’m big into algorithms and and really using the app as a tool, just a tool for connection and plugging in the right inputs. So you get the right, the right responses. And and when I say inputs, I mean, your profile, but also the way that you’re searching, but I do really wonder For for LGBT for queer daters. Thank you for allowing me to just say queer for queer daters. I really worry about the algorithms. If I’m being honest with you, I worry, especially for those people who are not either non binary or are bisexual and may not even have a set preference, how it works for them. What do you recommend to daters that are wanting to have a more open? I mean, other than necessarily using Tinder, are there ways that that you recommend using the apps as a tool or do you think it’s just not the most successful tool as of right now for queer daters?

Donny Meacham  13:47  

I will for people who are such as myself, so I’m a gay man who likes other men, that is an option on tender Yeah, if you’re, you know if say you’re trans and sad Some people in the queer community, that’s not their preference. And so therefore, they’re automatically shut out of dating, because that’s not an app on that you can’t go in there and be like, I’m a trans person who’s into other or you could be like, I am a gay individual who’s into trans people. And I know it sounds terrible to say that, but that’s a reality. And it’s a harsh reality when it comes to dating apps. Because if you swiping and if people will automatically, you know, discriminate against them based on what, and there’s no option for them, there’s no option to opt out of it. There’s no option to opt in. And sadly, I think that that comes time for where apps need to develop within themselves of give people the option of I want to opt into this. This is my niche market. This is what I’m into. And sadly, only things like Grindr, which is not necessarily known as a dating app, but a lot of people have to turn to that because you’re allowed to Specifically put on there. This is what I meant to this is what I’m looking for. And as a gay person, we really need to narrow it down for us. Yeah. Okay, wait, we’re not open to everyone.

Damona  15:11  

That’s true. That’s so true. Yeah. And I think, you know, a lot of these products are designed by people that don’t live the life. Like, like, as a person of color. I experienced that too. Like people think, Oh, well, you’re Brown. So like brown things would appeal to you. And it’s like, oh, there’s like a whole range within that. Yes. But I am curious, since you brought up, said Grindr. I had a client that said to me, like, obviously, Grindr. To clarify for those listening has the reputation of being a hookup app. Right. It’s a sex app. It’s a sex, sex, sex app, a hookup app. But I had a client that said to me, really, they all they used it like, in the gay community for them. sex. They’re almost like putting sex as a early filter when I don’t think it’s the same, quite the same in the straight community. And so he was like, I like using Grindr as a dating app. But I don’t really know alternatives. Because if we’re, you know, that’s where we’re starting out. It’s sort of the best option. But But you I mean, you found you have love off of Grindr.

Donny Meacham  16:29  

I have and what’s weird is I’ve I’ve I’ve found many friends off of Grindr, and I have found dates off of there, because it goes back into you use it for what you’re using it for. So if you go on there, and you’re strictly looking for sex, I’m gonna know that right away when you messaged me and you’re like, Hey, what’s up, like, send me nudes. And it’s like, Yeah, no, not doing that. You’re not looking for what I’m looking for at this moment. The crazy thing is is gay men are very forward like that and they will Let you know right off the bat what they’re looking for. But that goes into Grindr, though is is a gay man’s app. So you’re already limiting the scope for queer people to where it’s just men looking for other men to hook up.

Damona  17:14  

That makes sense. That makes sense. Why they brought up, like, send nudes. And you’re so right, like you can. They’re the best, but they’re the worst.

Donny Meacham  17:26  

The best and the worst. They’re terrible.

Damona  17:30  

But I like how you mentioned that it. It’s the it’s how you use the tool. Sure. Right. So what if you get a request for nudes, and I’m speaking to everyone in our in our in our audience right now you get a request for nudes. And like maybe even talking to some maybe it’s not the first message they send but maybe it’s a little further down. And you’re like, Oh, I kind of thought this was going somewhere. Do you automatically cut it off? Do you send the nudes? What do you say? In that situation,

Donny Meacham  18:02  

literally people have to be you got to be firm in what you want. If you’re a lot of people are okay with just sending pictures right away and trust me, I have no shame in that if that’s what you want to do be proud of your body if you want to share it, share it, like that’s, I’m open to that and be totally cool with that. But for me, especially, it’s like well, I’m not going to send that because that’s not necessarily who I am and not what I’m looking for. Eventually down the road, I have no problems. But right now that’s not it. One benefit though is on there it now they’ve added an option to where you can do a timed so the picture will only last three seconds and then it automatically deletes from it just like disappears. So if you can like send it so that way nobody can screenshot it because that’s what you worry about, is when you’re sending a nude photo, and everyone has to think about this just because they see it. Nothing is stopping them from screenshotting it sending it around to their friends show Everybody that they know. And before you realize that, you know, there’s instead of one person seeing all of your junk, there’s about 30 people who have seen everything.

Damona  19:09  

Yeah. And then revenge porn, it could really come back. Well, I was gonna bite you in the ass, but it’s kind of fun.

Donny Meacham  19:20  

But no revenge porn is really actually rampant in the gay community. And it’s really, it’s actually quite sad, but because men especially, and I hate that leaving out lesbians in this but lesbians really do. They get the short end of the stick because there’s not many apps that are out there dedicated solely to them. And partially is because of the old you know, u haul lesbian thing where they think that they kind of settle down right away.

Damona  19:48  

But they move offline too fast.

Donny Meacham  19:50  

They move offline too fast. So it’s not economical for a company to create something for them. And even if you look around, I know here currently I’m in New York City. There’s probably 25 gay bars. There are two lesbian bars. Wow. So you’re like it just goes to show you that more emphasis is placed on the men solely because men are more sexualized. So we do take that into the dating apps, hence why Grindr is so successful. Hmm.

Damona  20:23  

Wow, you are educating me, Donnie? I am learning things that I did not. I did not know. What about ghosting that’s we talk about that a lot on the show, obviously, and I’m curious during quarantine. If you have seen any change like even with like the virtual dates, or I know people are starting to kind of move offline. How What do you see happening for ghosting during the time of quarantine and is it different in the in the queer community, or is it just as bad or worse as straight daters ghosting is has been off the hook since before quote COVID started.

Donny Meacham  21:06  

Oh no ghosting is like savage in the gig like, came in especially they have at no problem ghosting you. It is it is just ruthless, but I find it’s actually tire in the quarantine because people think we’re sitting at home a lot of people are unemployed right now. So you’re thinking, alright, you’re not doing anything you have time, but you’re bored. And a lot of people which is taken to a little side is they’re depressed or they’re dealing with things and they’re just trying to get out of it personally. So they may not have time to talk to somebody, just because you know, depression weighs you down and your mental health kind of works at you. So you’re like, oh, that person messaged me. I don’t want to get back to them. And before you realize it’s three days later, and you’re like, Oh, well, three days that’s too late and then you just stop all communication. So technically you did ghost them, but you didn’t even mean to go them.

Damona  22:01  

Yeah. And if you really flip it from that perspective, Donnie, and you look at it, as you know, it’s not always intentional. I think sometimes we do take it so, personally, and I’ve recommended to listeners before that if there’s somebody that you really wanted to talk to just pick up the thread again, and especially like, a lot of our straight female listeners are like, well, I can’t do that. That’s like, now I’m chasing him. But it’s just, it’s situational. It’s sheer volume. The reality is, you’re dating many people, right?

Donny Meacham  22:36  

Yeah. Well, I I have a little controversy on the fact that I think when it comes to dating, you really have to put aside your pride A lot of times, because people are like, Oh, I just like chasing them. It’s like and what’s wrong with chasing somebody that you’re into? There’s a difference of you if them saying I’m not interested, you continue to message if the messages is kind of trailed off, and You know, pick it back up, that’s not chasing them. That’s you showing initiative. And a lot of people need initiative. Because a lot of people are lazy. You think, which is true people are lazy. And they need you to say, Hey, what are you doing? Hey, do you want to jump on a zoom call? Do you want to jump on House Party, which is like an app for your phone where you can do? You can play games and stuff with somebody in video. And people need initiative. They need a push and that’s totally okay to do.

Damona  23:31  

I like that. You You mentioned house party. Yeah, because a lot of tim’es people are like, I don’t know what to do. Like on a zoom day. It’s like you and me and the wall behind me know I love

Donny Meacham  23:43  

people. I’m telling you, if you do house party is an app, it is free, which is the best value and get on there because there’s games you can play. You can play like charades with somebody you can play heads up, which is the game where you get love. And that’s just an icebreaker. Yeah, you think about it when you meet somebody at a bar the icebreaker is the waiter, the bartender, the other people at the bar. Those are icebreakers. When you eliminate those. You need one at the house and I don’t want to date I don’t want to go on a virtual date somebody is playing video games. I need them paying attention to me. So what you do is you bring the icebreaker to them by creating it through the app.

Damona  24:23  

I love that such good advice, Donnie. I’m learning so much and I’m gonna Can I Can we be friends on house party? Can I like

Donny Meacham  24:32  

please? Can we I am. I am really good.

Donny Meacham  24:37  

Okay, love trivia.

Damona  24:39  

I am terrible at trivia, but my husband is excellent. So I figured out it used to cause a lot of drama actually, in a relationship. No joke, like we had Trivial Pursuit and I would always just get mad and turn into like a whining child because he would just beat me so mercilessly. This has been a theme throughout our entire relationship like he always wins at games. And then I realize Like, Oh, just get on his team, and then you always win. And it’s been a lot better in the last couple of years.

Donny Meacham  25:08  

This is funny because you bring up a point, actually anybody, because when you’re dating somebody, it takes a minute to kind of see what their personality traits are. But if you’re doing something via house party, if you’re playing a game with somebody, and they are getting super competitive, and they’re angry, and you’re not into that, you’re gonna see that right away, so technically, that works in your favor.

Damona  25:30  

Fortunately, he saw it right away. We played pool on our second day, and again, he just beat me just mercilessly. And I was like, I thought you liked me like why would you beat me so badly and again, like, mercilessly, no, no mercy? And he was like, well, this is the kind of guy I am Wouldn’t you rather that you know that I’m a guy with integrity that’s going to be prioritize being honest in the game, over letting you And so he’s still is that guy but I still haven’t learned how to beat him at school.

Donny Meacham  26:05  

I love that I that’s a tip for that I always give is just be I know sounds crazy, but be yourself but being yourself is don’t let them win. If you’re good at it, be good at it.

Damona  26:18  

Well, it worked out for us in the end, but I’m still thinking about it was so

Donny Meacham  26:23  

many years later so I get a little angry but

Damona  26:26  

we’re definitely we’re definitely gonna play on house party. All right, we’re gonna take a quick break when we come back. We have questions from our listeners that have been submitted for our next segment. So stick around. We’re back and Donnie and I are going to answer the questions that you’ve submitted over the last few weeks specifically, we have a lot of questions geared towards pride month but they can apply to everyone who is dating in the time of Coronavirus oh yeah Coronavirus still happening. Before we go to the questions, I first need to shout some of you out those of you who’ve taken the time to write a podcast review. I thank you. Specifically, I just want to thank Clarice for saying that this is an awesome podcast, and that we highlight all the aspects of relationships and more and that this is a can’t miss podcast for her. We can’t miss you either. And so I hope you are listening on the regular still and I encourage you, and everyone listening to share this show with a friend. Let’s bring more love in the world. We really need it right now. Now moving on to your questions. I am here with Donnie and it’s time for technically dating. Alright, Donnie, we have questions from our listeners. And I know you have answers so I can’t wait.

Donny Meacham  27:45  

Oh, we got lots of answers.

Damona  27:46  

Let’s do it. Okay, this one comes to us from Instagram. And this person says I miss my ex and I’ve been tempted to reach out and check on him. Is this a good idea?

Donny Meacham  28:01  

Wow, ah, you know, when it comes to exes, I really am the worst at it because I have a different approach and other people do. I stay in contact with my ex, I stay in contact with all my exes and I stay in contact immediately after when we break up. But granted, I’ve had decent breakups, we didn’t end things terribly. They weren’t, you know, emotionally physically abusive or anything like that. They were just common decency. So that is my rule of thumb is if the breakup was good, if there was no strings attached, you just broke up. There’s nothing wrong with reaching out to them. Because they are a person too. And if they’re, you know, they’re going through a hard time. I say there’s nothing wrong with it. But you have to ask yourself, What are you trying to get out of it? Right? If you What are you okay with saying, hey, how is everything and if their response is just, Hey, I’m doing good. And you can leave it at that then okay. If you want more You have to ask yourself, am I okay with the response I’m gonna get?

Damona  29:04  

Yeah. And that’s always the thing, right? What do you what do you want? Because rarely I actually just got a message from a client who said her ex has been reaching out to her and then sent her a birthday cake. And yeah, for her birthday, and I’m like, uh, I don’t think that that’s just like a friendly like, Hey, how you doing?

Donny Meacham  29:25  

Right? No, that’s, that’s another thing. It’s like he obviously wants more. What are you willing to give back? Mm hmm.

Donny Meacham  29:34  

Everybody always wants something from us.

Donny Meacham  29:37  

Always something because ultimately, and the sad thing is, is right now we’re in a safer at home. You’re staying home. They’re just as bored as you are. So if you think that you’re bored, you’re at home, you’re reaching out to people. Third, probably in the same boat. They’re just as bored as you are. So there might be reaching out to you out of boredom. Yes, yeah, always. Keep that.

Donny Meacham  30:01  

But also in these moments when we have a lot of extra time and space to,

Damona  30:07  

to think sometimes we go back to those past relationships, and we idealize them. And we think, oh, why did I break up with him or her? At because now like, now I’m single, and I’m going through quarantine alone. And maybe it wasn’t that bad. And then we forget all of the other stuff and all the reasons why we actually broke up. And in our romantic view of the relationship, it was perfect. And we missed a good thing.

Donny Meacham  30:33  

Yeah, well, hindsight. I mean, the old thing hindsight is 20. That goes with dating too, because we ultimately forget the negative little arguments that happen and you just think about, oh my gosh, remember that amazing time we had in Central Park. Remember that amazing time we had at Disney World? Because those are the big memories. And you often forget just the little fights where it’s like, he never complimented you or he made you feel Like he made you feel worthless or he made you feel bad about yourself, you kind of tend to forget those moments because it’s like in life do you think about with family? What do you remember with family? You’re there remember the really bad moments or you remember the really good moments you don’t remember each individual time that your mom got you a birthday card. You don’t remember that. But you remember, she took you to get your first car. That’s kind of like how dating is you remember the good, and oftentimes we forget about the little things that happened in between.

Damona  31:30  

Yes, yep. The stories we tell ourselves. Okay, this question comes to us. from a friend of the show, his name is Alexander. He actually hosts a wonderful podcast called on the rocks. He’s asking for tips for meeting someone the first time after a couple of months of constant FaceTime dates.

Donny Meacham  31:49  

All right, so this is I can I give up I’m gonna take it back for a second on the little tip when you’re facetiming somebody and I know this might sound terrible. I roll up Thumb for me is do not dress up for them. Because you’re at home, you’re allowed to be in your comfort zone. And for me, it’s just a little tip. Yeah, like right now I’m just wearing like a nice little casual buttoned up, my hair is done more than I would normally do. But I didn’t go crazy. I didn’t go out of the way. And that’s how it should be when you’re meeting somebody via FaceTime. Because it’s going to add that level of suspense because when they see you in person, and in person, we all doll up for the first date, just something that we do when they see you, it’s going to add a level of attraction to it. Hmm. And so if it’s like, I was like, Oh, wow. And you’re gonna shock them and you’re gonna surprise them. And to me, it’s gonna make the date right off the bat more intense, which is a good thing.

Damona  32:49  

Interesting. See, I always say dress for the, you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. Yeah, so dress for the day. The way that you would show up, but you’re kind of holding back Little some

Donny Meacham  33:01  

yeah I I’ve always been that way I’ve even gone I know this is like I said some people disagree with me but I’m even on the very first date is not when you Wow them you Wow them on the third day you wild them on the fourth day because I know when I wake up in the morning it’s a pretty it’s a little rough job

Damona  33:22  

by that not for a second

Donny Meacham  33:26  

and eventually they’re gonna see that so I’m very pro on give them for what they’re gonna see. Yeah, maybe you want to wear a little mascara or even I wear a little concealer. It’s Yeah, that’s fine but really wow them wait to wow them because they have to earn that from you.

Damona  33:44  

Hmm, now you’re using now you’re using my terminology like that. earn it earn it earn it.

Donny Meacham  33:50  

Okay for his advice though, I’ve just given a little advice real quick.

Damona  33:53  

Yes, I’ve given some of

Donny Meacham  33:55  

it is going to be hard because you’re going to be nervous because right now We’re seeing each other, we’re looking at each other and you’re doing that during a date, you are connecting with that person. So when you meet up, and when you meet up a first time, you’re actually going to know them better than you would if you just met up. So think of something that they’ve said in the past conversations. If you’ve been communicating for a while, think of what they like, do, you’ve had time to communicate, that’s when you go alright. I remember this one time, he said, he loves bowling sounds silly. But I’m gonna take him bowling, that’s your opportunity to show that you have listened to the multiple conversations. And that’s going to put take a little pressure off the date, because we’re all nervous when you’re meeting it for the first time, but it’s also going to impress them.

Damona  34:48  

That’s great. Yeah. And show everybody just wants to be listened to. So showing that you’ve been listening to them is really key. And then I like that it’s an activity date. So it’s the same as What you’re saying about FaceTime dates, it’s not just like, here we are sitting over dinner, but you can kind of skip ahead. If you’ve been having all those FaceTime dates. It’s almost like, take like my third date and on recommendations and see what happens. Okay, let me ask you one more question. This comes to us from Ned. He says,

Donny Meacham  35:20  

Hello to Mona. My situation is as follows are down. And one of the many things is a little far away from me. So far, it’s going well, as far as I could tell, he can’t really tell anything without that physical chemistry.

Damona  35:38  

He’s been very sweet and communicative via text and FaceTime, but how do I know if any of it is real?

Donny Meacham  35:45  

Alright, so two things here. First is I’m going to say this is a big deal breaker for me is when you’re dealing with somebody on an app for me, you have two weeks to take it off the app. Okay, too. Two weeks you haven’t texted me. We haven’t FaceTime we haven’t zoomed. We haven’t made a plan to meet up when we can. There’s no point you’re wasting your time. Mm hmm. Because within two, yeah, within two weeks, I’m not pen pal. I know I have friends. I can text all day. What I am going to save this being a somebody now who lives in New York City. I remember when I first came out, I was like, oh, there’s somebody who lives a state away. That’s no problem. Now, if I get on Grindr, and they’re more than 500 feet away, I’m like, Oh, I’m not doing that. It really does change as you get older. But I’m going to say four hours. I’m sorry. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s just it’s not gonna work being that it’s so new. I have no problems with long distance dating. If you have met the person there because I for a while dated a guy who lived in Philly. I went to Philly. him he was amazing, Philly’s only two hours. So I was taking the bus and I was going to see him. But I met him physically first. Hmm. I find it very hard for online long term dating.

Damona  37:12  

Yeah, that’s the key, I think long term right. So I have had a lot of clients that have met and married or moved into serious relationships with someone who lives long distance. But the question I always asked at the ask at the beginning, is are you open to moving? Or is that could that person also relocate? Like, how if you play this forward, how is it going to end? So that’s, I think at the core of Ned’s answer like, can they care? Is there a world in which they can actually physically be together? Because for hours back and forth is not really sustainable? I don’t think like you said two hours. It’s probably the max as far as max. Yeah. And Ned

Donny Meacham  37:54  

right now, there’s nothing wrong with you asking and people are gonna say, Oh, it’s too soon. It’s no It’s not to say there’s nothing wrong with you asking him, Hey, if this was to go further, do you see yourself moving? And if he says no, and you know that your life is where you are, it’s it’s not gonna work. I mean, and there’s nothing wrong with asking that when it comes to long term, long distance relationships, because when it’s long distance, some of the rules are immediately scrapped. Mm hmm. And there is no there’s nothing wrong with asking and being blunt. You can say I don’t plan on moving. Do you plan on moving ever? Yeah, nothing wrong with that.

Damona  38:34  

Yeah. But pretty soon, he should figure out what’s really going on, right? Because Yeah, I’ve spent three weeks. They’ve been texting and facetiming. But the only way to know that it’s real is to move off the app, right?

Donny Meacham  38:48  

Yeah, you have to move up the app and you got to be straightforward with what you’re looking for.

Damona  38:53  

Donnie? I adore you. I can’t wait. When you go to LA we all hang out. In the meantime. We’re going to be playing house party. Yes. And I hope all of our listeners will follow you on Instagram at dating, Donnie. So why? Oh, dating down with you. I will put the link in the show notes to check them out, y’all. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you. That is it for Episode 313 of dates and mates. You can follow Donnie on Instagram at dating, Donnie, do n NY and make sure to check out the podcast naughty but nice, trust me. It is so fun. And remember also that we need your voice now, more than ever. I don’t usually talk politics on the show. But I really want to encourage you to use your voice and to vote. And just like I want you to become confident in dating and relationships. I want to encourage you to take that same energy and invest it in democracy. Some states have primary elections coming up Hello, Georgia, West Virginia, June 9. That’s tomorrow. After this episode drops, and Atlanta, I know you’re listening because I have a lot of listeners in Atlanta who’ve written to me, so make sure you have your voice heard. Also on the 23rd, Kentucky and New York, shout out to my peeps in New York. And remember, there are so many more things on the ballot that matter than just president. So pay attention to your local government and your Senate and House races as well as ballot initiatives, as those are all things that are going to affect your day to day rites and experiences. If you’re curious which causes I’m supporting right now, I’ve just made donations to the black futures lab and n double A CP Legal Defense Fund to ensure that everyone’s voice can be heard in this country. I encourage you to support them or whichever causes will create the change you want to see in the world. Thank you to those of us who’ve supported the show by becoming a Patreon friends with benefits. You can get show exclusives and contribute to this podcast. Continuing To expand and heal more hearts by signing up for just $5 a month@patreon.com, slash dates and mates, in spite of everything happening right now, I know your love lives are not unhold and I still want to hear from you. I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials, connect with me. Send me your questions, send me your thoughts, use your voice. And until next week, I wish you happy dating

The Art of Charm & Interracial Love

 

CHANGE IS GOOD

How are you holding up?

We are not okay. 

We mourn the loss of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Ahmaud Arbery and our hearts are with all the individuals using their voices to enact positive, systematic change.

Damona has been talking about it more on her social media. If you would like to join the conversation, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment!

 

View this post on Instagram

 

Today I’m mourning the loss of Breonna Taylor, George Floyd, and Ahmaud Arbery and I’m thinking about the collective inherited trauma that we carry with us.⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ Right now is the time for action and active conversation. If you don’t understand the protests happening around the country I encourage you to educate yourself and find a perspective different than yours. That’s what creates compassion. And that’s what ultimately is going to heal.⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ Even if you can’t truly understand our experience and our cause, you can stand up for what is right and can teach the people around you what is happening in the world. We can find ways to change how our country views and treats people of color – especially black men.⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ Love is the tool that’s going to make change.⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ Spread love and understanding.⁠⠀ Vote for representatives who will enact systematic change.⁠⠀ And represent your community by completing this year’s census at 2020census.gov⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ Artwork by @Shirien.creates⁠⠀ ⁠⠀ #BreonnaTaylor #GeorgeFloyd #AhmaudArbery #blacklivesmatter #humanrights #protest #equality #socialjustice #BlackLove # #blackandproud #blackamericatoday #takeaction #dailyquotes #dailyinspiration #bethechange

A post shared by Damona Hoffman (@damonahoffman) on

 

We thought long and hard about whether to drop an episode of Dates & Mates today, but came to the conclusion that even in hard times like these, it is still our responsibility to use our voice.

And to spread as much love as we can

So if you are looking for a small distraction from the world around you, today’s episode is all about adaptability and confidence as modern dating is impacted by the events around us.

Our guest Erin Muroski, who has spent years inside the mind of men as an Art of Charm flirting coach, gives us tips on how to set yourself up for success.

FLEXIBILITY & ADAPTABILITY (0:00)

If you’ve listened to this show for a while, you know that we encourage anyone looking for love to embrace adaptability.

Not only is it an important skill for the advancement of the human race and yada yada, but now more than ever it’s time to get comfortable with the flow. Get comfortable with change. Get comfortable with spontaneity and organic interactions with the people around you.

Here is the Washington Post article that Damona referenced at the top of the show

DATING DISH (3:01)

I love my white husband but… 

Damona covers an article written by Laura Cathcart Robbins – who was on the show last month. It talks about how interracial couples can truly understand each other in times of racial tension.

Scott Disick and Sofia Richie Split

After three years of dating, Scott and Sofia have officially split. This comes after a report that Scott has checked himself into rehab to work on some past traumas.

Hey baby, what’s your sign?

What does your astrological sign say about your relationship potential?

THE ART OF CHARM (16:00)

As we said, we’re talking about confidence and spontaneity as states reopen and we move into the next phase of coronadating.

Erin Muroski is an experienced improv coach and dating coach and she’s spent years working with men to help them be the most confident version of themselves.

But here’s why we’re so interested in Erin’s perspective because for years she’s been inside the mind of men as an art of charm flirting coach.

If you heard our master class on flirting from last year, you know I’ve used improv for years as flirting coaching technique and we can’t wait for you to hear Erin’s perspective on this topic.

Find Erin on all the socials @erinmuroski! Don’t forget to check out her super fun podcast, Final Rose Material!

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Tweet from OJ – Can monogamy be upheld when partners choose to keep their relationship a secret from everyone else?
  • Tweet from Cherry – I’ve gotten out of the habit of trying to meet a guy so how to begin again?

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, welcome to dates and maids. If you’re anything like me, you have been glued to the news the last few months and there was an article that came across my desk this week in the Washington Post, about adaptability. I’ll link to it in the recap, which we always do at dates and mates calm, but what you should know is that it talks about why flexibility is important in the post COVID world. And if you’ve listened to the show for a while, you know that I encourage anyone looking for love to embrace adaptability and flexibility. Not only is it an important skill for the advancement of the human race, and yada yada yada, but now more than ever, it’s time to get comfortable with the Follow the flow, get comfortable with change. Get comfortable with spontaneity, and organic interactions with the people around you whether you’re meeting them online or offline. Today I’m talking to Aaron murasky. She is a coach at the Art of Charm which helps people get comfortable with conversation and become a more confident version of themselves. Before we talk to her, I have some thoughts on this week’s headlines that I want to share with you. I’ll be talking about how interracial couples can understand each other better in these tense times and how the COVID crisis may be the downfall to Scott disick and Sophia Ritchie’s relationship. Plus on a lighter note what your astrological sign may say about your romantic potential. That is always at the end of the show. Aaron and I will address your questions including our monogamy and secret relationships. mutually exclusive and how to begin again in love. You ready for this? Then let’s dish

 

Unknown Speaker  2:09  

these dating dish.

 

Damona  2:12  

My dear friend, Laura Cathcart Robin so you’ve heard on the show before posted a fantastic article in Huff Post about her and her boyfriend Scott. The title of this article was I love my white boyfriend, but there’s something he’ll never understand. Laura is a black woman. And she is in a long, long term relationship with Scott who’s a white man. And it’s funny because she wrote this article actually, before George Floyd was murdered. I’m just gonna say it on the show. And she was writing it kind of in response to Briana Taylor and art Armory and realizing that there’s something as a black woman that she carries with her and out As a woman of color, I also relate to this, you carry this constant vigilance and this constant sadness. And I’ve actually been doing a lot of study on inherited trauma, and how a lot of this and this is science, y’all can look it up. It’s not something it’s not pop psychology. But in your cells in your DNA, you carry the emotional experiences of your ancestors and the generations before you what I know it’s wild, but it is fact and even going a couple of generations back and when I think about what my grandparents were going through, what even my mother was going through growing up as a young woman in Detroit in the in the 50s and 60s, it’s heavy and the fact that it’s still coming, it’s still being dealt with today or not dealt with but it’s still a present issue. is something that when you’re in a interracial relationship and you are, you are grappling with it on a daily basis, and your partner hasn’t really had that experience, it can cause a greater divide. But what I said to Laura, and what I’d love to offer up to any of you who are either in interracial relationships, or thinking about interracial relationships is that when you love someone who’s different than you, that is what creates understanding. That’s what creates compassion. And that’s what ultimately is going to heal. Love heals all. And that is what I hope the big takeaway will be for those that read her article and those that are listening to the show is that I encourage those kind of connections and maybe it’s not romantic love, maybe it’s friendship, but through build, bridging those kind of connections and having the kind of uncomfortable conversations, and in Laura’s case, being able to sit with Scott and she’s saying like he’s as out rageous She is but can she really understand it? And the answer is probably not. And my husband can’t really understand it either. But he can take action. He can be an activist he can, he can stand up for what he believes and he can teach our kids what is really happening in the world and ways that they can behave in a different way to change our society’s views on especially black men, but people of color in general, and using that love as a weaponizing it, you know, use that love as the tool that’s going to make change. That is really, that’s really what we’re being called to do right now. So I’ll link to Laura’s wonderful article in today’s show notes, but I really just encourage you all right now to lead with love in this difficult time.

 

I wish I had a snappy transition this next story, but some people that still love each other Ended up, breaking up end up calling it quits. And that has happened to our darling couple, Scott disick and Sophia Richie. Now we covered their relationship early on, like three years ago because there was such a huge age gap between them and a lot of people. Sophia Ritchie’s dad, Lionel Richie included thought it was a phase and it wasn’t going to work. But they did make it three years. But now they’re saying they’re calling it quits. And A source told, told the media told Cosmo that it’s not that there was like a big fight that happened. It’s just Sophia wants to do her own thing. While Scott takes care of his health. He actually checked himself into rehab to work on past traumas, after losing his mom and dad within months of each other. I think he’ll find there’s a lot more in there. And a lot of us when we go into those dark places, and we ask for help, we find there’s a lot more than we realized that we need to pull out and examine and change. So I’m really hopeful for Scott and for his family and his kids that he has with Courtney, that he’s able to really make change. But it really shines a light on the fact that sometimes relationships aren’t meant to be, and whether they end up getting back together or not after he goes through this treatment, it reminds you that it’s okay to walk away from something if you find that it is not. It’s not the thing, the relationship that’s bringing you the most possible joy. So I wish them both the best. Sophia is 21. So she could have many other relationships ahead of her. And Scott really needs to focus on himself and healing right now. But if there’s anyone listening right now that’s feeling like that trauma or that pain, like a lot of us are going through some really heavy things right now. Don’t be afraid to raise your hand and reach out and get help. On a lighter note, if you are looking for the ideal match, maybe you been using the wrong criteria. Maybe you should look to the stars for your connections. Now I’m a big fan of astrology. And you’ve heard, I’ve had my own astrologer Rachel laying on the show before she actually did a fantastic article on women’s health recently. But I don’t judge holy compatibility based on what somebody star side is. There’s a lot more into astrology. But this is just a fun article which we’ll link to where a company called buzz bingo did some research on the longevity of celebrity relationships based on their star signs. And I know you’re curious because my friends at OkCupid said that a lot of people are responding to their questions about astrology on dating apps. So I know I’ve got your attention on this one. According to this study. Capricorns are the most relationship focused and their relationships lasted the longest, but who do you think had relationships that Where the shortest? Ha ha? Yeah, it’s Scorpios not surprised by that one. Scorpios No, no, I’m not gonna throw any shade at you. But you know you Scorpios like things the way you like it. But get this According to the study of a Scorpio paired with a Capricorn. That was a match made in heaven. Hello, Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry. But Capricorns y’all don’t even think about being in a relationship with an Aquarius, aside from them stealing your post birthday glow? It just won’t work. I would love for you all to check this out. Let me know what you think. Do you use astrology in matching? And do you ever go beyond the sun sign? There’s so much else there’s your rising sign. There’s your moon and your moon is about your emotional self and how you are in relationship. So let me know what you think of this astrology. And whether you think the relationships they they highlighted are going to last for the long term. That’s it for this week’s headlines. Up next, we have Aaron murasky, who’s going to talk to us about techniques to be more confident and flexible in dating and relationships and of course, in your everyday life, so stick around.

 

Welcome back. So, as I said, we’re going to be talking about confidence and spontaneity as states now are reopening. Not my se but some of your states are reopening and moving into the next phase of what we will call Corona dating. And so I like to welcome to the show, Aaron murasky from the Art of Charm. She is an experienced improv coach and dating coach. But here’s why I’m so interested in Aaron’s perspective, because for years she’s been inside the mind of men as an Art of Charm flirting coach, you may have heard the Art of Charm podcast and they’ve been Helping men to be more confident and date more successfully for many, many years. You know if you heard my masterclass on flirting from last year also you know that I’ve used improv for years as a flirting coaching technique, and so I cannot wait to get Aaron’s perspective on this topic. Let’s go ahead and give her some big smooches and welcome Aaron murasky to the show. Hi, Aaron, I’m so excited to have you on the show. Because we need we need to understand what’s happening there in the Art of Charm house. Yeah, to be here. And I’ll just, I’ll just kind of give everybody a catch up. We have had we had Jordan Harbinger, who was one of the founders original founders of our charm on the show, many years ago. So people might have one impression of what Art of Charm is, but I understand there’s been, you know, change in leadership, and a bit of a new direction. Tell us what you’re doing over there at Art of Charm and give us a sense of what you’re Roll is in the company.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:01  

Yes. So I’m just yeah, AJ and Jordan originally formed, Johnny jumped on board very shortly after that, to do all of the AJ and Johnny been doing the in person coaching for you know, over the past decade together doing the boot camps. And so the boot camps at the house are, you know, it’s a five bedroom house, beautiful house, in the Hollywood Hills with the pool, all kinds of nice, it’s just like a gorgeous layout. And guys come and stay for a week from all over the world. And they learned self improvement, self development skills, communication skills, so that they’re able to further develop their confidence, their their, you know, businesses, their relationships, everything. You know, after that kind of intense experience of a week long, fully immersive sort of experience.

 

Damona  12:54  

I want to go to this. This is like, I know you have your bachelor podcasts as well as this story. Like the it’s like the bachelor house. It’s kind of like the bachelor house. Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:04  

But yeah, and and they, you know, instead of all these, you know, women coming to the bachelor house, like they do on the television show, this is the guys like, you know, basically at the house, they are learning new skill sets, then they practice them at the house, with with coaches like myself, and then they go out into the wilds of Hollywood and LA and go, you know, use those skills because like any skill, you have to practice it and you have to like go out and fail at it to figure out how to be better.

 

Damona  13:37  

Okay, I’m just gonna rip the band aid off and ask you how is this different from pickup artistry?

 

Unknown Speaker  13:44  

Oh, gosh, I mean, first of all, let me just say I wouldn’t be a part of the company if it was like, if it was like, what I think what I think of when I think of pickup artists I think of like kind of sleazy when manipulating women into Thinking one thing so that, you know, they’ll hop into bed with you. And that’s really your end game. And it’s funny because I actually had I interviewed with Johnny to be the improv coach there. This was before I really knew what the company was. And when he was sitting there telling me about it, my mind was clouded with that idea of pickup artistry and so I was like, you know, thanks. But no thanks don’t really want to be a part of something like that. And he urged me to come to the house. He’s like, you can sit on sit in on any lesson that we do anything that we do, like come by, that’s not what we’re about at all. And I did. And it was amazing just to see what they’re actually teaching and just like helping guys kind of uncover the best versions of themselves and like really just dive into that self development side. So yes, there’s a pickup part of it as in like the guys do go out and try to make connections with people but The difference is is that at the root of it is like being able to be authentically yourself and and uncover your own charisma and charm so that you’re able to connect with people and the end game is to have stronger relationships. So let’s

 

Damona  15:13  

help people do that today. Let’s help them be a little bit more charming and better conversation skills. This is a question that we get asked a lot on the dates and updates podcast and let’s assume we’re in the future where we’re not stuck in our homes and we actually can talk to strangers out in the wild. What are some of the biggest mistakes that people come into the program with? And what are some tips that you have to be able to inch them into being better with conversation beginning conversations? Mm hmm.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:49  

Yeah, I mean, the biggest because one of the things that I work with the guys on is their approaches. So initial approaches to someone you do not know. And I think the biggest mistake that people make is that they, they come in, and you’re you’re face to face with someone, and you’re like, Okay, I need to just stay face to face with them full on and not break eye contact. And that can show

 

Damona  16:16  

super creepy.

 

Unknown Speaker  16:18  

Yeah, exactly. And that’s going to show that I am like confident and whatever it is like actually all that does is build a whole lot of tension. And it’s when you know, without locking eyes, like it’s scientifically proven that when you don’t break eye contact you after a certain amount of time you’re building so much, so much so much tension. So the two things that kind of go hand in hand with that is yes, of course you’re going to come up and be face to face. At first, you’re going to say hello, you’re going to make that nice eye contact and then like you would do with the friend you’re going to sidle up next to them so that you’re side by side as opposed to just full on icontact. You know, we call that positive body language when you’re when you’re completely face to face. So you want to get into a neutral Body language, get side by side where you know, because typically any, any event or wherever you are, you know, you might be at a bar or whatever you’d be, you’re kind of getting to yourself where you’re like facing the bar, or you’re looking at the concert that’s happening or whatever is going on, that just puts you in a place where the tension is able to dissolve, and then you’re more comfortable, the other person is more comfortable. And I will tell you, when I started working with the guys, and I started using this in my actual, you know, interactions with people, I was amazed at how differently you feel when you get into a more neutral position as opposed to staying face to face even though that’s what we think we’re supposed to do.

 

Damona  17:43  

Well, I like it also because it allows you to take in input from the rest of the room. Mm hmm. Because it can get really intense if it’s just like we’re just eye contacting it out. Yeah, there’s nothing to interrupt the flow or if if there is a low There’s nothing, there’s no other inputs to be able to divert attention and then get the vibe.

 

Unknown Speaker  18:06  

Yeah, exactly. And it’s like, then your eye contact will be intentional. So you’ll give your eye contact when you’re speaking. And then you give your ear when you’re listening. And that way your brain is able to slow down a bit and take in the information the other person saying, and, you know, have a thoughtful comeback and really, really listen as opposed to just having those nerves and smiling and nodding and thinking, What will I say next?

 

Damona  18:31  

Yeah, it’s it’s super intimidating. So, you since you brought it up, what do you say next? That’s another thing that a lot of people struggle with on first meetings or first dates. What’s your philosophy on conversation and trying to figure out what is the next best thing to say and how do you keep that feeling natural and flowing?

 

Unknown Speaker  18:54  

The big over all like we definitely get in deeper to a conversation. flow. That’s like a little bit more next level winter at boot camp. But our overall philosophy is the conversation formula that we use is just question answer statement, the biggest conversation flaw that I see when I’m meeting people and when guys come out to boot camp is we have a tendency when we’re nervous to get on that question train where we just ask question after question after question. And what happens is, is that the other person who doesn’t know you is going to start to kind of build a wall and feel pressure of all these questions that they have to answer. And the person asking the questions isn’t sharing anything about themselves. So at the end of this conversation, which is not going to last long, by the way if you’re just asking questions, because that feels like an interrogation or an interview, the other person’s going to walk away and have not learned anything about you and look, there’s a reason why we like forget names are we You know, but when someone brings something to a conversation, that’s interesting, we don’t forget that we might forget the person’s name. But we’ll be like, Oh, you brew your own beer at home and or, you know, whatever it is, we remember those interesting parts of the conversation. So, it’s important to ask a question, like a thoughtful question, an open ended question, not just, oh, have you been to this bar before? Right? That’s yes or no, it’s not gonna go probably very far. But like a thoughtful question like, Okay, what do you you know, we’re stuck at home right now, or we’ve been stuck at home, what are you binge watching on Netflix? Something like that. So that that leads to a conversation that’s going to unlock a little bit about the other person’s personality and then the other person answers, and instead of what happens a lot of time where we’re just cueing up another question in our head, you’re just gonna listen and then you’re going to give a statement based off of that, like maybe sharing something about yourself or just having something to say about that. Instead. just jumping to the next question, because that’s what leads to fulfilling conversation is giving those statements

 

Damona  21:06  

Yeah, otherwise it starts to feel like an interview. Right? Like, like if I was just like, Aaron, what’s next question? Next question next. Yes.

 

Unknown Speaker  21:12  

Right. But, but I mean, that’s what we’re doing, you know, exactly. That’s what we’re doing here. But you know, like when you’re first meeting someone you want it to be that give and take and not just like, Okay, so here’s this, you know, does it feels like pressure after a while? Oh, yeah,

 

Damona  21:27  

it feels like pressure, like right away. You kind of brought up another point that I think is really important and the people that have listened to the show for a while, no, I’ve done flirting masterclasses and that my own internal flirting coaches are actually like you trained improvisers and performers. And you also mentioned Netflix and I am totally digging the middle ditching shorts if anyone is like not really sure what great improv looks like that Special is so great and it really shows you just what we’re talking about the ability to really listen and stay in stay in the moment and like take the inputs that you’re getting and then react and respond. How have you been able to apply your background in improv, to flirt and coaching? And also, how do you define the difference? A lot of times people hear improv and they’re like, has to be funny. But as I learned to improv is really more about being honest. What’s your philosophy on that?

 

Unknown Speaker  22:31  

Absolutely. I mean, there’s all different kinds of improv Of course, we think of you know, because of Whose Line is it any way and, and things like that. We think like, oh, it has to be like this wildly hilarious comedy but improv like, I mean, we use I know in acting classes, I’ve used dramatic improv you know, where you’re just improvising, but it’s a dramatic scene, like you’re just going off the top of your head and following impulses. And I, my philosophy is it’s just, improv is just a way to make You better at taking information and responding, you’re able to do that in a much faster rate than other people when you’ve really studied improv because you are literally doing mental exercises to do that all the time. You You don’t you know any of my groups that I’ve been in or classes I’ve taken, you don’t just walk into class and go, Okay, we’re going to start a 30 minute long herald of different scenes, you always start by going, Okay, we’re going to do a bunch of exercises to get our synapses firing, right like so to focus to free our minds. And the big thing I’ve noticed with clients when it comes to flirting and approaching people is that we’re our own worst enemy with that stuff. We’re already judging and telling ourselves that we’re gonna what we’re gonna say is stupid, or what we’re gonna say is cheesy or, you know, being down on herself. I’m not funny. That’s what I hear from so many clients all the time. Well, I don’t I’m just not funny. And I’m like, you probably just haven’t ever let yourself uncover that sense of humor. You haven’t just Let yourself be silly and go well, whatever comes to mind, I’m just going to say and, you know, we’ll go from there, you can literally always go, oh, man, that was weird. You know, call it out Who cares? But, but yeah, like, I think it’s just my philosophy is just like I tell literally every single person like everyone should take improv, it helps you even if you’re a CEO of whatever, when you’re giving a presentation where you’re giving a meeting, you’re leading a meeting, whatever, you’re just going to be firing on all cylinders when you’ve taken the time to sharpen that tool of your mind.

 

Damona  24:35  

Yeah, yeah. And it also keeps you able to respond in the moment like there might be something weird that happened. And like, here’s an example I had a client that was in a session with my, my flirting coach was also doing a like mock date and he’s an improviser. So he he knows To keep the conversation going, but they were sitting at the coffee date and this woman walks by with like, this like weird stuff in her hair and like, like a bathrobe like, but she didn’t look like she was homeless or out of it. She was just like, doo doo doo. I’m like running my errands. But I have like curlers in my hair in my bathrobe on and whatever. And it was just the weirdest thing. And I saw it. And I thought, somebody has to say something about that. And I was, I was waiting for my client to just acknowledge the weird thing that had just happened, which would give them such a great jumping off point for a conversation because I think we sometimes feel like the pressure is all on us to think what is the next subject topic, whatever, but sometimes, you might see something or you might be able to connect on something that’s outside of the two of you. That could give you fodder so finally my coach was like, That was weird, right? But if you’re just like laser focused in on like, What do I say? Next, what do I say next and you don’t have that fluid improv sense. You might miss a great opportunity like a woman with curlers in her hair in a bathrobe walking down the street like it’s her regular Saturday.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:12  

Really? Yeah. And you can tell a lot about a person by the way they respond if the person’s like, yeah, I can’t believe you did that. And then it’s like, you probably don’t want to talk to this person. Right?

 

Damona  26:24  

Right. And if you can tell if you don’t say anything, that maybe you’re like, taking yourself a little bit too seriously. Right. I like that you brought up also this. This concern that a lot of people have about not being funny. Because, on one hand, what I hear from a lot of clients is that their number one quality they’re pursuing is someone with a great sense of humor. Although sense of humor is so subjective, and someone that I think is funny, maybe completely annoying to you, or vice versa. But I do think comedy is like one of our only ways of showing our ability to take a risk, right? Like a guy’s not going to go and slay a bear for you like he used to in olden times. But if you can, if you can attempt tumor, then then that might make you look very brave in today’s world. Do you recommend people maybe try try to like, be funny and they’re charming? Or if you’re if people try for it, is it like, that’s never gonna work?

 

Unknown Speaker  27:34  

I yeah, I mean, that’s a really good question. I always have found trying to be funny, is the sure way to not be like, and look, I give anyone credit who’s like gonna take a big swing. You know, but my thing is like, when your aim is to be funny, as opposed to like, I’m just gonna have fun and let my personality come out. Like that those are two very different things. And even when you were saying like, Oh, I’m looking for someone with a sense of humor. I don’t think I get why people say that. But I think what we’re really saying is, I’m looking for someone who has a similar type of sense of humor. To me sense of humor is just hands down, completely subjective. And you’re going to connect with people who you have a similar sense of humor with because you bond over that,

 

Damona  28:25  

yes. And that kind of goes back to something else that I say on the show a lot about love as you are like, don’t try and be something else. Be your authentic self, and you’re not going to be everybody’s cup of tea. But the person that does find you funny, will then be able to make a lot of laughs with you in the future. I do want to talk about other elements of charm of The Art of Charm. And one thing that a lot of people struggle with is body language and image like how to present themselves. What do you do? To help people get more comfortable in their, in their own skin, and is there an element of like, if you You know, I’ve heard like you fix the outside like get yourself some fancy clothes and then you’ll feel great and then you’ll do great.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:18  

I mean look there is there’s a certain amount of just when we look at someone what we see and like if that appeals to us or not. Now within what you know, within the clay that we’re giving of ourselves, we can, you know, not take care of ourselves or we can take care of ourselves we can explore the styles and things that we like or we cannot do that and I think taking pride in you know, your appearance and all that that is that’s important. But honestly like your how you present yourself as far as your your you know, the week basically talk about like, in a first impression, there’s like five pretty important things. And like the first one is smile. Like a lot of times my clients were like, Oh yeah, I smile all the time. I always walk up to people smiling. I’m always smiling throughout a conversation. And then we do what we call video work, which is we video them doing an approach, and they cannot believe how they have like a resting bitchface the entire time. And I’m like, yeah, and it makes a huge difference. When you I always like, you know, we tell guys to do this all the time. Like literally just walk down the street. And as you pass someone, make eye contact and give them a really nice genuine smile. It is almost impossible for someone to just not automatically want to smile back. It’s it’s an instinct that we’re like, oh, that’s pleasant. I gravitate towards looking at this person and smiling back. And you know, it’s little things like that, that we think oh, I understand that. And that’s just very basic, but those basic things all together make a huge difference. Going up smiling, gay, getting into neutral. Body language, having energy, you know, do you want to go talk to someone who’s just standing there like a lump and waiting for someone to you know, like, make their night good? No, you want to go up to someone who’s already involved in conversations who’s, you know, excited to get to know people who’s open. And so, you know, like standing near people, not just kind of away from the crowd trying to observe. So there’s, there’s so many things that go into that. And we definitely dive into that at our boot camp a lot, because it’s all these little things that we act like, Oh, yeah, I’m doing that which most of the time you’re not. And then you know that there, there’s those small things that make a huge difference and how someone perceives us and it’s very hard to change someone’s impression of us. So those first few minutes of getting to know someone are really important.

 

Damona  31:52  

I so agree with you. And I know a lot of people now are thinking, well how does this apply if we Are say we’re listening to this and we’re still in quarantine. Right? And most of the days are happening over video chat. I assume, Aaron that a lot of these techniques and principles can apply when you’re talking to someone via video chat. Right?

 

Unknown Speaker  32:24  

Yeah, I mean, look, there’s a certain amount and all I will say this just I’ve experienced that it’s almost more like a draining is like a, you know, dramatic word to use for this. But zoom calls actually kind of take a lot out of me because I’ve, you know, obviously because I work, you know, in this field, I’m like, okay, I really want to analyze like, why this feels this way. And it’s because I think we’re just staring at each other through an entire zoom call. You’re either staring at the other person or you’re Looking at yourself, and it’s, it’s not right like it’s not what we would do in person first of all, you wouldn’t be able to see what you’re looking like to the other person at all in person unless you have like, they have a mirror behind them, which would be weird, but you know, we’re, it’s that it’s the whole thing of the positive body language and eye contact, you’re so conscious of how you look you’re looking at that you’re looking at them and just staring at them because what else do you have to look at? And so, I tend to now with zoom I make, I try to make the other person the big picture. And I used to do the tiles, you know, see your equal, whatever, but I’m like, all I’m doing is looking at myself and like going, Oh, why do you know like, that’s like, Yeah,

 

Damona  33:42  

so the whole reason like for years when I’m working with one on one clients, people have been like, do you do video calls? And I really prefer not to. And that’s the exact reason why I mean, it’s partially also because I don’t really want to do my hair and put makeup on unnecessarily. Career like hosting television because I was like I want to put on makeup, podcasting much better fit. But that aside, it’s really more about when people are on video conference. Yes, they’re like more self conscious you’re looking at yourself and the work that I do I need people to be able to drop in and hear what I’m saying and really connect. And so this is maybe a vote. I’m still figuring this out myself. I did do. For our hardcore listeners, there is a video training on video chat dating on the Patreon tell you about it later. But for those that are dating virtually, I have been having conversations with other dating coaches. And some of them are talking about doing more phone calls. Like we have the video chat and so we think oh, because all of our work calls are on video chat. We should go right to video chat dating, but there is an argument for the phone call and kind of like you know in high school and we used to stay on the phone with our boyfriends till hours at night. There’s something sort of charming and And simple about about that, but at the same time, like, if you haven’t met in person, building that rapport virtually can be really challenging.

 

Unknown Speaker  35:13  

I agree and I it’s, you know, look, I’m not virtually dating right now because I’m married. But I will say I really my heart goes out Yeah, my heart goes out to people who are right now I have my my, one of my best friends who lives in New York right now is doing that. She’s like, I got a couple of first dates on zoom. And it’s like, really weird. And I’m like, Yeah, I think it’s just gonna be hard to do that right now. Because I know for me anyway, when I was on match.com and eHarmony for a while, you know, way back when, and I found that I eventually had to get to a place where I was just like, yeah, I’m just gonna meet up for someone. I’m gonna only have an exchange back and forth a couple of times. Then we gotta meet up for coffee for like 30 minutes because there’s something to be said, For in person, like the chemistry that you have with someone in person, even when it’s over video chat. Before that it’s totally different than in person. It just, it just totally, you know, like, as silly as it might sound, there’s something to be said for pheromones and things like that. The way someone smells not meaning Oh, this person smells bad. This person smells good. There’s, but there’s a pheromone component that you can’t get into invest all that time and having zoom calls, and whatever and then this quarantine is lifted and you meet them in person and you’re like, oh, like something is just not right. And I just invested all this time and energy into someone. And I can just tell it’s not gonna

 

Damona  36:46  

click So yeah, that’s why we got to keep it loose. Y’all keep it loose. Keep a few conversations flowing, fill your social calendar, and then we’ll see where we are in a month. This is fascinating. Aaron, I could literally talk to you all day. Yes, we do have questions from our listeners. Awesome, and I know you have answers. So it’s time for our next segment. We’re back with your favorite dates and made segment.

 

Unknown Speaker  37:17  

Technically,

 

Damona  37:19  

before we begin, I mentioned a video training in our last segment that you do not want to miss. It’s all about setting yourself up for success in dating during these unprecedented times. There’s also a live profile Polish video training that I did with Susan ibus of the human behavior lab. But you do not want to miss this video training because you can see how you can improve your dating profile like right there. It’s all visual. And then it also shows how you can choose the right kind of dates just based on their facial features. It’s wild and if you’re looking for dating, support in a deeper way, and a community of people who are looking for love Got you. I got you girlfriends and boyfriends, you can get all of that for just five bucks if you join my patreon. But also if you’re new to me and the dates and mates community and you just want to dip your toes in the water, before we officially change our relationship status, you can also check out my free profiles starter kit. It’s a full PDF with detailed instructions and tips on creating a magnetic profile that will attract the right matches to you and it takes 20 minutes or less of your time, y’all I want you to have it and that’s why I made it totally free. And all of these goodies are there for you at dates and mates.com. Okay, okay, I’ll move on. But I just wanted you to know it’s totally free. And you can find it at profile starter kit calm because I really want to help you get online and get a different kind of dating experience going for you. All right, Aaron. These questions have come in from our listeners. This is a tweet from a fella named oj he says, Can monogamy be upheld when partners choose to keep their relationship a secret? from everyone else? Secret secrets are no fun, secret secrets do they hurt

 

Unknown Speaker  39:16  

someone? I think like, why, why keep it a secret if it’s just that you’re kind of like, you know, trying to see if you’re a good match and all that, that’s fine, but I you know, it all comes down to you just have to trust the other person and you have to go, I can handle whatever you know, wherever things go from there. I feel like I never really understood that until I was with was until I started dating my husband where it was just like, oh, you make me feel good and secure and I you know, that’s a hard thing to put your finger on but someone who makes you feel secure. You just don’t worry about that with you just stop having that in the back of your mind as like oh I’m you know, worried that they’re going to cheat on me and after a while if you’re with someone that you’re constantly worrying about that happening with I feel like maybe at the root it’s not the right person because when you’re with someone where you’re in a really where you’re really vibing and you’re in a good place, I think you don’t you don’t worry about that. You’re just like yeah, just trust them. Yeah,

 

Damona  40:27  

and I hate to say this oj. But if you are already in a position and I don’t know the situation, but if this is already a position where the relationship is starting out as a secret I wonder if monogamy is not been upheld from the beginning, like if that person could maybe already be relationship or married or living a double life. And you know, I I’m a big fan of dating apps and or meeting online, what have you, but there are a lot of people out there They’re that have their online identity and have one have another whole secret life. So to me secrets are really a sign of potential problems down the road. All right, let’s move on to our second question. This is a tweet from cherry. She says, I’ve gotten out of the habit of trying to meet a guy. So how to begin again. How I love what she said habit because I really think of dating as a learned skill. And a lot of times people come to me they’re like, I don’t know how to date. And you know, women sometimes feel like they’ve gotten rusty or they’ve lost their Mojo. And I really look at it as it’s something you just have to practice. You’ve just been out of the beef just went out of practice. Jerry, what do you say from the perspective of someone who coaches both men and women?

 

Unknown Speaker  41:53  

Yeah, I mean, I would definitely say I find the best resource for especially If you’re like, Okay, I’m going to jump back into the game here. Maybe, you know, if apps feel overwhelming, just ask some of your most trusted friends. Hey, is there someone that you think I would be a good match with, even if it’s like, I don’t know where this will go, but you definitely would have fun first date. And you know, I think dipping your toe in that way because your friends you know, are going to know you and they’re going to hopefully not set you up with someone who’s, you know, not trustworthy and all that. And so then at least you have that kind of, as opposed to just meeting a stranger on the internet, you at least have that kind of security and knowing Okay, we have mutual friends, they think we’d have fun, not a lot of pressure. Maybe even we’ll just become friends after this, and that’s fine, too.

 

Damona  42:48  

Mm hmm. And maybe we can even reframe this for her, like she said, trying to meet a guy. What’s your reaction to that Aaron like, Is it is it something that you need to be changed? trying it? Or is it more just like about being open?

 

Unknown Speaker  43:05  

Yeah, I definitely think there’s the peace of being open to that and kind of looking at people with that different perspective of like, Oh, is this someone that I’m like, would would fit the kind of criteria that I’d be looking for for a partner? Because I do think when we say just like, Oh, I just wasn’t looking at all and this person came along. I always found that saying to be very strange, I never felt that way. I always felt like, even when I was like, okay, I’d be totally happy to be single right now. But if some cutie walks up here, and it’s really funny and smart, like I’m gonna notice that right? So like, I don’t know about trying, like I think trying sounds like you’re like you think you have to go out there and put on some sort of act or something or you have to be doing something different other than being yourself being open and knowing what you want from someone. I think if you just have those things in mind like you don’t you don’t want to really be trying you just have to be like, yeah.

 

Damona  44:06  

Oh, bass. Yeah. And I like what you said about maybe going with a setup from a friend. And you know, especially especially at this time you want to make sure that they check out but I, I wouldn’t put too much pressure on the dating apps and Sherry, if you’re not sure what to say, get the free profile starter kit. At data maids calm we’ll hook you up, but you just got to get out there and for lack of a better term, pop that first day cherry cherry. Yes, um, I have faith that she will find someone it’s just me putting one foot in front of the other. Aaron, this has been really fun talking with you. It’s been so great. I enjoyed so many of your insights. Thank you so much for being here. Aaron. Thank you so much. That’s it for Episode 300 12 of dates and mates, you can find Aaron on all the socials at Aaron murasky. Plus, if you’re a bachelor nation fan, you should listen to her super fun podcast called final rose material on Apple podcasts. And while you’re there, also check out the Art of Charm podcast. It’s Aaron’s company. She’s not one of the hosts of that show, but there’s so much advice that Art of Charm offers to men and women on dating and relationships. And don’t forget to join the Patreon we want you in the community you can sign up really quick and easy@patreon.com slash dates and mates and you’ll get access to those special video trainings, you’ll get special access to me so many other things and you’ll be a part officially of this club because you’re not alone. Even though you may feel alone right now you’re not I got you and so many other people in this community want to be there with you throughout all this. If you’re newer to the show, and you’re not really sure that you’re Ready for commitment yet then just download the free profile starter kit. All of that and all of our show notes are always at dates end mates.com and let’s connect on all the socials. I’m at damona Hoffman, I love to hear from you. I love to know which episodes are resonating for you which guests you’d love to hear more from, and what questions you have. So let’s connect. And next week I have a special episode celebrating Pride Month, a fantastic dating coach Dani Meacham, who coaches LGBT daters will be here joining me offering some dating app tips for everybody regardless of how you identify. Until next week, stay safe, be well and I wish you happy dating

Proposing to Him & Couple Covid Finances

QUESTION FOR THE LADIES: WOULD YOU EVER PROPOSE TO YOUR MAN?

I hope you were inspired by the success stories that we featured in last week’s episode Quarantine Love Questions. Hearing stories of new love made us want to share more success stories with you. So today’s episode is about the BIG moment in one couple’s relationship.

You know that moment when a guy gets down on one knee and asks the girl to marry him? Well this story is exactly like that but the roles are reversed and the woman is the one doing the proposing.

via GIPHY

Today we’ll explore why women don’t feel comfortable making the first move with Jenn and Sean, an engaged couple who is writing their own rules on love.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines! 

DATING DISH (3:15)

Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green call in quits

The first Hollywood couple to report that their relationship ended in quarantine. Damona reports.

via GIPHY

How to weather the oncoming financial crisis

It is widely known that a lot of conflict in relationships centers around finances. In this current financial crisis, the University of Arizona gives us a study on how couples can ease the burden on their relationship.

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COVID Season’s Hottest Dating Profile Musthave

Singles across the country are flaunting their coronavirus antibody results. Is this actually hot or not?

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HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE LOVED? (10:45)

Question for the ladies: Would you ever propose to your man?

Way back when my husband and I were dating, there was a period where I was just waiting for the proposal to happen. 

He knew he was going to propose. He knew I knew he was going to propose. But the days kept coming and there was no ring in sight.

I thought about proposing to him, but I just couldn’t do it. However this week, I talked to one woman who took the reins into her own hands.

A few months ago, Jenn got down on her knee and proposed to her boyfriend, Sean! 

When I heard their story, I had A TON of questions, and I know you do, too.

On today’s episode of Dates & Mates, they share their story and I analyze what modern daters can learn from it.

This is a really cute story but we also get a better understanding of when and why women should make the first move plus take a peek inside the mind of men who are ready for commitment.

Here’s a pic they snapped just before they went on their life-changing hike!

TECHNICALLY DATING (32:00)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Voicemail: What’s a good response for when someone asks you “why have you not been married?” I always answer that I haven’t found the right one
  •  Iris in San Diego, sent us these questions: “What will be the impact on marriages? Will the divorce rate go up?” 
  • I went through a breakup last month…and shortly after I lost an extended family member. I feel that I can’t properly grieve either one of these events. Do you have any advice?

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12

Hello lovers. Welcome to dates in mates. I hope you were inspired by the love stories that we featured on last week’s episode, quarantined love questions. You know, hearing stories of new love just made me want to share more success stories with you. So today’s episode is about the big moment in one couples relationship. You know, that moment when a guy gets down on one knee and asks the girl to marry him? Well, this story is exactly like that. But the roles are reversed and the woman is the one who did the proposing. My nine year old daughter asked me the other day, why is it that the man always asks the woman My husband who was in the room at the time, he replied, he was kind of burying some male shame when he said this, that it was a relic of another time in history when women couldn’t really choose who they married. So he goes on. Do you know who the man used to propose to? And she looked at him confused. And he says, the father of the bride. And for the sake of future generations, I was glad to see that this response totally threw her for a loop. She had no idea what he meant by that. And it always bothered my husband that there was this expectation that he had to ask for my hand in marriage, since he saw me as my own individual person with freewill not a piece of property belonging to the Resnick family. Yeah, so ultimately, my husband did propose and he did, as he says, alert my parents to his plans, although he will swear that he did not Call it asking for permission. My dad looks at another way. Regardless, we all got the outcome that we wanted. But as a feminist I have always wondered, why didn’t? Why did we even have to go through that ridiculous dance at all? Why didn’t I just ask him? I knew months and months, maybe even a year earlier that I wanted to marry this man. What was it that kept me from just proposing to him? Well, today, I’ll explore that question with Jen and Shawn and engaged couple who are writing their own rules on love. But first, we got to get you up to speed on this week’s headlines. We’ll talk about a new study on how couples can weather the oncoming financial COVID storm and spring’s hottest dating profile must have plus our first major celebrity breakup announcement of Corona season. Then we’ll be answering your questions like How do you respond to the Why haven’t you been married question and will Coronavirus increase your chance of divorce All that and more on today’s dates and mates Now,

 

Unknown Speaker  3:15  

let’s dish these dating dish.

 

Damona  3:19  

Brian Austin green and Megan Fox are officially calling it quits on his podcast with Brian Austin green. You got you guys know Brian Austin green. He was on Beverly Hills 90210. And then the reboot of Beverly Hills nine to one. Oh, well, he said that he and Megan Fox who’s like maybe the hottest woman ever born. They have been separated for months after realizing that they’ve grown apart and Megan actually said something in an interview about traveling for work and realizing that she was happier away from her husband than she was together with him and I’m sure for Brian Austin Korean must really sting Like, he’s definitely not going to find a sexier wife, like megan fox is the pinnacle. But it also goes to show you that sometimes you don’t know what’s under the surface of a relationship. And we know the relationship has been Rocky. They started dating in 2004. They got married in 2010. And then apparently they were going to split I think we even covered on the show before, they filed for divorce in 2015. But then they reconciled before the birth of their third child. So now they have three, three kids together. And Megan is saying they’re still going to do family vacations together. And I know a lot of couples want to do this. When there’s a breakup, they’re like, we just want to keep everything like it was. But it’s not like it was you’re not romantically involved together. And believe me, I know of couples that have done this successfully, but I just want to take our foot off the gas and if you’re finding yourself in this situation, we can say what we ideally want to happen in the future. But don’t be too hard on yourself to try to make everything okay for the kids, especially in the middle of a pandemic, something as serious as this, things are going to unfold the way they’re going to unfold. And I for one, I’m sorry that this couple didn’t make it, but I’m sure they will both move on and be happier in the long run. If you are facing some financial trouble. Turns out your relationship may also be in trouble too. There was an interesting article that came out on how couples can weather the COVID financial storm and it gave a lot of great just general relationship advice on how to manage this time including they call it relationship maintenance behaviors, like respecting one another being there for one another and showing love and affection for one another. Which is great and easy to say. And I know a lot of you guys listen to this show, or hear me on other shows talking about like just communicate just just work through it together. But it really is at the core of, of your relationship lasting. So if we just break that down to like what is showing love and affection for one another look like, like at the end of each day. At this point, I’m doing a lot more work than my husband is I produce this podcast, I also produce another podcast called I make a living for the freshbooks brand. I have dating coaching clients, there’s a lot happening. And so my husband is taking on the burden right now of managing the kids and homeschooling. So I make sure at the end of every day, I just say to him, I love you, I appreciate you, thank you for doing this so that I can provide for our family and do other things that are really important. So that might be a good place to start if you’re starting to feel some of those, that friction. And then this article also reminded that receiving financial support from family and friends was associated with higher levels of commitment. For the couples that were studied in, in the study that this article references, so I know a lot of you, you, you want to feel like you can do it on your own, but this is the time to remember that it takes a village. It really does. And you may need to lean on your parents, your brothers and sisters, your extended family a little bit right now so that you can keep yourself from going underwater. It’s the reality that those who are struggling financially are going to have a tougher time making it through Coronavirus and the quarantines and the safer at home and I’m sure a lot of you. I’m speaking to a lot of you right now who are listening to this podcast. But just remember that there are resources out there for you and there are people in your, in your circle in your community, or in your family that want to support you through this because it’s not worth it to lose your relationship over financial challenges if it can be worked through it. You’ve heard me say on the show before, that a lot of times the financial challenges are an indicator of something else. So see if you can get to the root of what’s really going on. And make sure that you’re doing those things like respecting one another, showing love and affection and being there for each other during this time.

 

If you’re still single though, Coronavirus, might actually help you out in getting a date. There was an article that said singles are flaunting their COVID antibody test results now in dating profiles. I really wonder would you guys do this? Would you put your like, I’m, I’m negative. Like some some people have asked me if they should put STD test results in their dating profile. I think this is all a step a little bit too far. And this to me also shows a bit of a desperation for that connection or for having sex and moving offline really quickly and making people feel a little bit more comfortable that you are not that you do not have COVID. It’s the antibody test that they’re talking about. But I’m sure people are doing it also with the the current COVID test, which I actually just had today, and it was super easy. I live in California where it’s free, and anyone can sign up for it. If you’re not somewhere where you can get a test like See if you can go in your doctor’s office, because it’s just great for peace of mind. I don’t believe that I have it. I guess I’ll let you guys know next week. But just to know where I stand and as as we start to open our circle out more as we start to move back into dating. You want to know your status. And so it is sort of like the new STI, you have to know where you stand and then communicate that to someone else if you’re going to be intimate, but I do think putting it on your dating profile, maybe a step too far. Those are the headlines for this week. But I have an epic love story coming your way in just a moment. So don’t go anywhere.

 

Welcome back. As most of you know, I classify myself as a feminist dating coach, and I want to push more women to take initiative in their love lives. But a lot of times we have this fear that making the first move will come off as desperate, or will intimidate men. But I know for a fact that this takes a lot of pressure off of men and can actually ease the connection and make you more likely to move into the relationship of your dreams. So I got to interview one couple who shows us what it looks like when a woman takes charge in their relationship. A few months ago, Jen got down on one knee and proposed to her boyfriend, Shawn. Yeah, you heard that right. She asked him to marry her. Obviously, I had tons of questions, and I’m sure you do too. So I’m excited to share their love story with you In a nutshell, Shawn and Jen met in their undergrad dorm hot tub seven years ago and have been together ever since. I also did ask questions about the dorm hot tub. I’m like, how do you get this dorm hot tub? I can’t even get a hot tub in my house and they had it at school. But that I digress. Jen has always taken the lead in their relationship. She actually was the first to add him on Facebook. This was like the beginning of their relationship. And that was a huge relief to Shawn. I was like, Oh, cool.

 

Unknown Speaker  11:33  

Yeah, 50% of the legwork.

 

Damona  11:38  

Yes. Wait, talk to me more about that. Because a lot of times people I say that all the time on the show that women should be proactive. And I know we’re gonna be talking about more about women being proactive in your relationship, but I get a lot of pushback. What was keeping you from reaching out to her first

 

Unknown Speaker  11:55  

at the time, I was very nervous of like, just like communicating with the audience. It sucks because it wasn’t my strong suit. So this thing is really cool because it already has kind of started us off on this whole connection thing. Just like a whole new world.

 

Damona  12:10  

You messaged her first though.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:12  

Uh, yeah, I messaged her and said something to the effect of I don’t mean to be that guy asking someone out over Facebook, but, uh, maybe you would you want to go get coffee sometime. And then I said,

 

Unknown Speaker  12:27  

Well, I don’t really like coffee, but I’ll go get hot chocolate with you.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:31  

Yeah. And then I was like, Well, I don’t like coffee either. So let’s both get hot chocolate.

 

Damona  12:36  

Oh my gosh, you this is the perfect love story. I love it. You asked her out for a date that you didn’t even want to go out.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:45  

I didn’t know what to say. I was like, coffee is what people do right.

 

Damona  12:50  

And the rest is history. Within a year they moved in together, and their relationship moved quickly. But they agreed to take things one day at a time. You’ve heard me say that. on the show before, Jen had some relationship fears, though, that brought her to this defining moment in their love story.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:07  

I had some issues, you know, you always have your first heartbreak. And I work in theater. So I would travel and do summer stock theater and things. And the first summer after we had got together, I offered basically, if he wanted to just have an open relationship for the summer because I didn’t want to get cheated on. Because that I found out that that had happened to me before he kind of in that moment, like, pulled me in and said, No, I don’t want to do that.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:38  

I was like, that’s not really something I’m comfortable with. So I’m gonna go with no but thank you from

 

Damona  13:44  

Yeah, that’s so interesting. That’s so interesting because you were operating Jen based off of your prior experiences, even though nothing that Shawn was telling you in the in that moment, it sounded like lead you believe that’s what he wanted. And it sounds like it wasn’t really what you wanted. And it

 

Unknown Speaker  14:04  

yeah, it wasn’t. And it definitely made me emotional and made me really appreciate him. And I knew a lot like more in my heart that he was there for me.

 

Damona  14:16  

Yeah. And being a relationship minded, female and dating coach. I’m really curious, Shawn, what is going through your head in that moment? And what it takes for a man to commit I do have a lot of female listeners on the show. And many of them would tell me that they feel men are afraid of commitment that if they say anything, like if that conversation had gone differently, and Jen was like, I need you to commit right now. Like, are we is this relationship going anywhere? that that would make a man run away. So what was it the way that she phrased it that helped you realize the role that she really played in your life, or were there certain characteristics that you were looking for in a long term relationship that she lined up with? Or maybe something else?

 

Unknown Speaker  15:09  

And in that particular moment, like I could tell she’s very vulnerable. She was, you know, kind of opening herself up to me. And I didn’t. I don’t know, it never really sat right with me of, like, dating around. I just, I don’t know, I kind of always have been just like, I’m focusing on one thing at a time, so I’m kind of committed to this. Mm hmm.

 

Damona  15:34  

Can you guys talk to me about your parents, relationships and the relationships that were modeled for you when you were young?

 

Unknown Speaker  15:42  

Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  15:43  

yeah. So both of our parents were divorced.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:46  

Both of our dads went on to remarry,

 

Unknown Speaker  15:51  

mind multiple times.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:54  

And both of our moms are single and happy that way. Not Not looking for. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  16:02  

something new. And both of both of our moms are pretty much our central parental figure. Yeah.

 

Damona  16:10  

So Did either of you have either before the time that you met or during the relationship, have a vision of what a healthy relationship would look like for you or what your relationship goals were at the time, we both wanted one partner that we would commit to neither of us were afraid of commitment. So let’s fast forward a year together now for many years for over 77 years. And you met an undergrad, so you’re still relatively young. But that’s a long time to be with someone. And also, that’s a sort of pivotal time in people’s lives, where they’re figuring out what, who they want to be who they want to be with. And you’re going through that, considering the needs also Have a partner How did that? Did you ever feel like you were missing out on, you know, playing the field and being 20 something and foolish?

 

Unknown Speaker  17:14  

No. I do like get a lot of almost social pressure of people saying like, like, if you haven’t been with other guys, how do you know that? That’s what you want. For me. It’s just kind of like, I’ve never not been happy with what I have. Why would I? Why would I like ruin this to go find out that this is what I wanted the whole time.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:40  

And that’s pretty much how it feels for me as well. Like I’ve been happy the past seven years. Like why would I give up something that brings me joy?

 

Unknown Speaker  17:48  

Yeah. I love that.

 

Damona  17:50  

So you’re together seven years. Talk me through the proposal. I want to hear it from both sides of this story. This is really You know, I’ve also been asked, I, in my relationship sort of a lead through a lot of the milestones. And at the time when my husband and I were dating, I was making a lot more money than he was. And that was sort of a sticking point for him. He didn’t want to propose until he felt like he had his financial life together, and he could be a caretaker for another person or for a family. And people have asked me Well, why didn’t you just propose them because there was this whole period of just like waiting and waiting and waiting for him to feel secure enough, even though we both knew that the relationship was what we wanted. And I have to admit, like I am super modern on most relationship norms, but this was one area where I was like, I don’t know why I just couldn’t do it. So that takes a lot of chutzpah as my people would JOHN, for you to take the initiative in a world where it’s so it’s just not really considered traditional. It’s not traditional for a woman to be the one proposing. Yeah. Did you ever grapple with like these big questions of what does that mean for our relationship or who I am as a woman? Oh, I had,

 

Unknown Speaker  19:21  

you know, I went through a lot of the same thoughts as you. And there was a time where I told Sean, I wasn’t going to propose to him. He had to do it. And it was it, you know, when I decided like, when I finally decided in that moment, I had been like, MIT This is stupid. Like, I’m not gonna wait for I’m sure he can explain you know, what he was thinking, but I was like, I’m not gonna wait for whatever, you know, he feels like needs to happen for him to feel like he’s in a good spot to propose because I’m in a good spot to propose. And, you know, we either we know this is happening, or we’ll have to figure things out.

 

Damona  20:12  

You know that she’s the one, right, what’s stopping you from taking the bull by the horns.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:18  

So it’s kind of funny. I was in a bit of a similar situation, as you’d mentioned with your husband and always finances. So 2019 was a pretty rough year for me because I had racked up quite a bit of credit card debt from going to grad school and my car was on its last limb because I had about 338,000 miles on it and how to get in a car. So

 

Damona  20:46  

that’s impressive. You got it that far. Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:48  

Toyota, everybody by Toyota.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:53  

had that. I’m not being paid, I swear.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:57  

But uh, you know, I just couldn’t On this huge financial transaction, I was like diverting a ton of my money to paying off credit card debt. And then I had finished paying off all my credit card debt at the end of the year. I was like, Alright, this is gonna be the big year. We’re gonna do some traveling finally started talking about like, you know, future house plans to start coming up, even though we live in LA and I don’t know how we’re ever gonna afford a house out here.

 

Damona  21:30  

But Jen knew what she wanted. She decided to propose anyway.

 

Unknown Speaker  21:34  

People say there’s the Seven Year Itch like people who have gotten married start to realize they’re not right for each other something and we’re at that point, and we’re realizing that were even more right for each other, but about, I don’t know, half a year ago or so we opened up into even deeper conversation about, like fears of the future and maybe doubts that we had with each other and communicated about that. And it was really, honestly a really rough conversation. Like things that people who do not want to be in relationships look at. And they’re like, yeah, that’s exactly what I don’t want. We got through that night, and I made the decision, right. And that I was going to propose to Sean, I was going to ask him at some point. So I guess that might have been the moment that you know, I knew I was going to lock him in. When you flip and it’s not normal for the woman to propose. There’s not like the same expectations. So I had to figure out about like, doing a ring, what I would do, I wanted to get a ring, but I really wanted Shawn to like it. I really didn’t know what Shawn was. Want for that? So I decided to get some cufflinks and then a few engagement presidents for the day. Also knew I knew the first thing I knew is that I wanted to do it somewhere out in nature with just the two of us. Because you know, Sean is not a crowds person. Yeah, he wouldn’t appreciate a big, like crazy fancy proposal, you know, coordinating dancing or singing or anything like that. So I had to get him. I had to like, figure out a way to get him to agree to go to Death Valley National Park we hadn’t been to yet. And so we took my car, which made it easy for me to pack in all of the presence without him seeing and the cufflinks and my side door on the driver side. I had to keep stopping him from like, going in the Trying to get anything when we were setting up I would keep like I would find ways to like either if he was going to the trunk grab the stuff he wanted really quick first and put it out so that he would grab it before getting to the trunk.

 

Damona  24:12  

Yeah, I mean we have our she acting weird. Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  24:14  

I was just like, Oh, cool. She’d be nice. Like, she’s just gonna get

 

Damona  24:20  

I don’t know, I hadn’t seen you have no idea

 

Unknown Speaker  24:22  

at this. No, I had not noticed that. She was like, actively stopping me from going to the car.

 

Unknown Speaker  24:29  

He didn’t know until the moment of

 

Unknown Speaker  24:32  

Yeah, I did not know until quite literally, like started off with the speech which we’ll get to. Then, um, her getting down on one knee. So

 

Damona  24:44  

yeah, um, Okay, tell me about the speech. I want to hear both.

 

Unknown Speaker  24:47  

So I wanted to go to artists palette and Death Valley, which is really like Scott, all these C’s Painted Hills. I knew that we could find a place where we’d be alone. There. My plan was we share a backpack when we hike. So my plan was to put the cufflinks in the backpack and carry the backpack. But we get there and Shawn immediately grabs the backpack. And so I had, I was like, Oh, great. Now what do I do? Sean wouldn’t put down the camera. I was taking so many pictures taking off. Like, being a goofball. Like he is and him taking pictures of me and I was like, how do I get him to be serious for a second? And then I started you know, making more eye contact with him and, and not like being a little quieter. And then I think I I think maybe I actually told him put the camera down for a second. Yeah. So finally, like I had his attention, and he actually snapped a picture right before I proposed of me, which was amazing. And so I started saying, you know, hey, love. We’ve been together for over seven years now. And we’re doing better than we could have imagined. And I start at the end and he cuts me off and he says, Oh, I see. I get it, I get it. You’re dropping hints like this would be a great place for me to propose to you. And I was like, No, that’s not what I’m

 

Unknown Speaker  26:32  

doing. dropping a much bigger hint.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:35  

And kind of like, he caught my momentum there. So I was fumbling a little, and that I don’t really know what I said next. And I swear it took eternity for me to get the cufflinks out of the box. And that I in that moment, I didn’t know if I didn’t plan beforehand. If I I was going to get down on one knee because I thought, you know, it might be weird. I don’t know how I feel about it yet. But in that moment, I totally understood. And I got down on one knee because you feel completely vulnerable. And you know, your life is in the other person’s hands. It feels like and I opened up the box and I said, Will you marry me? And

 

Unknown Speaker  27:28  

he was shocked.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:30  

Yeah, I was pretty much completely taken aback. He

 

Unknown Speaker  27:34  

stopped talking.

 

Damona  27:37  

How and how long was this pause before he replied.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:40  

No, like eternity.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:42  

I don’t know. I probably want to say a couple of seconds. Yes,

 

Unknown Speaker  27:45  

probably. Yeah, ultimately, I’m

 

Unknown Speaker  27:47  

sure it felt like the absolute worst three seconds of her before

 

Unknown Speaker  27:53  

pounding.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:56  

Oh, I didn’t say yes. He said.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:57  

Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:59  

Yeah. case that

 

Unknown Speaker  28:00  

gratulate me down.

 

Damona  28:04  

For a second, I was like, what’s he gonna say? So now you’re engaged. And you’ve got to tell everybody else in your world about this. I imagine. Like, I come from a somewhat traditional gender roles family. I and, and there was this whole thing of like, my dad wanted my husband to call, he’s probably listening right now I’m gonna get hate mail from him. He wanted my husband to call and ask his permission to ask me to marry him. And my husband didn’t. He’s like, you’re your own person. Like you’re, you’re not a piece of property that I need to get permission to take away. Yeah. So

 

Unknown Speaker  28:47  

he,

 

Damona  28:48  

so he did say I’m planning to ask him to marry. Did you like get anyone’s quote permission to ask Shawn and how did your parents react when you finally told you

 

Unknown Speaker  29:00  

I thought about it, you know, I thought about honestly actually going to his mom. But I ended up deciding not to I wanted it to be more of a surprise. At this point. Everyone had been asking us when you get married Anyway, you know, since we were in Death Valley National Park, we didn’t have any service for a lot of the time. So we could get some text out to some people. But obviously, we didn’t want to tell our parents through text.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:31  

Hey, by the way, got engaged.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:32  

Yeah. So we waited and we were driving out later that night and we called our parents we told them and they were they were all pretty supportive for the most part. My favorite story is that I we called and we told my grandparents on my mom’s side, and my grandma answered the phone and I say Hey Grandma, just calling let you know that Shawn and I are engaged. And she’s like, Oh my gosh, that’s great. And I said, I propose to him, you know, cuz I was so proud of myself, right? She’s like, Oh, wow. And she turns and you can hear my grandpa in the background and she turns to my grandpa and says, Jenny and Shawna engaged. She proposed to him. My grandpa in the background says yeah, cuz he wasn’t gonna do it.

 

Unknown Speaker  30:32  

And then my grandma turns back on the phone and says, He says that’s really sweet.

 

Damona  30:41  

You can totally hear him

 

Unknown Speaker  30:43  

had a total there’s a question though relationship with her grandparents or grandpa specifically but then he threw all that shade I never seen them.

 

Unknown Speaker  30:53  

Oh, he’s harmless. I you know what, Larry, Shawn

 

Damona  30:56  

there’s there’s sometimes truth in kidding. So good. No, what would you have? Would you have proposed? If she had waited?

 

Unknown Speaker  31:05  

Yes, this was the year this is gonna be the big year.

 

Damona  31:09  

So honest question do you feel at all like, robbed of that opportunity to be the one who did the proposing?

 

Unknown Speaker  31:16  

No, because we’re in this together. Like, she got to have that moment. But I mean, I’m sharing it too, because now we’re engaged.

 

Damona  31:24  

Oh, that’s so beautiful. I love beautiful stories like this. So thank you for giving us faith that sometimes you don’t have to do things the way that we’ve always seen in the movies and the fairy tales, you can carve your own path. Thank you so much for being here.

 

Unknown Speaker  31:37  

Thank you.

 

Damona  31:39  

Jen says they’re taking this quarantine one day at a time as well. And they plan to get married in the fall of next year. I love love, don’t you and I love people who write their own love stories. Congratulations to Jen and Shawn. I hope all of you can have a happy ending just like theirs. And if you do, I would love to share it on a future episode. Out of this show to help you get to your happy ever after I have answers to your relationship questions coming right up. Welcome back to dates and mates. Do you have serious dating and relationship worries right now, if you need more support and love or if you just want to get access to special bonus content, our first 200 episodes, live community chats and other special resources inside of the private dates and mates community. I invite you to join me@patreon.com slash dates and mates. The entry level is just five bucks and your membership dollars will go towards bigger and better things that we have planned and we will be bringing to you on dates and mates. If you’ve been listening to the show for a while and you’ve learned a new dating or relationship skill or you just enjoy hearing me talk about what’s happening and dating news and hearing other people’s questions getting answered. We would love to have your support Again, you just go to patreon.com, slash dates and mates. And then you can join the club and become one of my friends with benefits. All right, on to the questions. This one is a voicemail that came in from our listener, Jacqueline, what’s a good response for the question of why have you not been married before, and the example I’m going to use is myself. I am 48. I have been in relationships, and I have dated and been on online sites and I’ve taken breaks and so now I’m looking to get back out there again. And I just wanted to know what you would say to someone who asked that, because I feel like what I say and what my answer is, just doesn’t really work and needs a new spin. Mine is because I haven’t found the right one

 

Unknown Speaker  33:52  

yet. So I would be very curious as to what you would say to this question. People be so nosy on

 

Damona  33:58  

dating apps. Don’t Jacqueline, why have you not been married as if it’s their business as if that’s not information that is to be earned further down the road? There are so many reasons I’m sure why someone has not yet been married. You. I mean, I took my time to choose the right person. And people would always ask me like, why are you still single? That’s another question I’m sure that you’ve heard before. Because you are choosing you’re not just falling into a relationship with the wrong person. Or maybe there’s other stuff that you’re working through either in your family history or your personal life, or maybe you’ve just had some other life goals, whatever it is. It’s none of their business and it doesn’t relate to the relationship at hand. Now I have gotten I have gotten statements from listeners before that say, Well, I won’t date anyone. I won’t date a guy who Is unmarried over 40 because it means XYZ or I won’t date a woman who’s never been married, because it means something we’re attaching meaning to prior relationship history, we’re attaching meaning to stories that we’ve heard. And that’s not fair to you. And that’s not fair to them because they may be cutting off the potential for something really great with you. Because they’re asking his dumb question that they think might actually tell them how the relationship is going to play out. Because really, that’s at the root of that question, right? If I invest my time in a relationship with you, and if I fall in love with you, what will happen to me? Will you be willing to marry me? Will you break my heart? Will you Is there some sort of a red flag that I can see now, that can prevent me from that sort of heartache? But you know, if you’ve been listening to the show, we we have to go through the process. You are going to get knocked out A few times before you can stay up. So I would say twist it around in a flirty way. And do not answer that question. directly. You could say, well, why do you want to know? Or you could say, well, because I haven’t met you yet, or you could say anything that lets them know that that question is not going to be on the table until you are further down the line in your relationship. Iris in San Diego sent us this question, what will be the impact on marriages of Coronavirus? Will the divorce rate go up? Now, you heard me say on the show before right at the beginning of when Coronavirus was hitting in the United States. China was coming out of there several week lockdown and according to stats that I saw there, the divorce filings were up about 25% as the lockdown restrictions are easing. So what this tells me is that Corona A virus is an amplifier. There’s the aspect of, you know, the life and death aspect and in making you really take stock of your life and how you want to spend it and who you want to spend it with, then there’s the added stress of just being in close quarters with someone that you’re not used to spending all day every day with. But I’m hopeful that that means it just brought those relationship challenges to a head more quickly and all at the same time. And that in the following years, we will see a decline and more of a stabilization of the relationships that made it through it because honestly, if you can make it through this with your partner, you can make it through anything. This is hard as hell you guys. This is super hard, and if you can stay together through it, then I really have confidence that you can last. This person sent their question to NPR as well. He said I went through a breakup last month and shortly after I lost an extended family member I feel that I can’t properly grieve either one of these events. Do you have any advice? Well, first of all, I just want to say, I’m so sorry that you went through that. And that you are, you are in this grieving place. A lot of us have lost people close to us. And a lot of people have lost relationships too, and losing a relationship. Even though it’s not necessarily as serious as losing a life of someone in your life. It is losing that person in your life, all the same. And so it does need a grieving process. Whether you were together for a month or a year or 10 years, you do have to give yourself time to process what happened and, and how you feel about that and where it’s leaving you right now. So if you can’t say what you wish you could say to that person, maybe try writing them a letter and this is a letter that you will need Never, ever, ever, ever send. And maybe you will burn in a cathartic ritual when you’re done. But maybe write them a letter to say the things that you wish you could have said. And sometimes that’s enough to just get those feelings out. Sometimes that can get you closer to the healing. And then I’ll go back to something that I said earlier in the show, remember that you have people around you, to support you. And don’t be afraid to reach out and be a little bit vulnerable, be a little bit messy. Tell your friends or tell your siblings or your parents, that you’re hurting right now and you need someone to talk to. And even if we can’t see one another face to face right now, sometimes a phone call or a video chat can be what we need to just bridge that divide and remind you that even though we’re separated, we are not alone. That’s it for today’s episode. This is 311 of dates and mates. Don’t be shy send me your dating and relationship questions. I am here to help. You can DM me on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram. I’m at damona Hoffman, or leave me a voicemail. That number is 424-246-6255. And just like Jacqueline, you can hear your beautiful voice and I can hear your beautiful voice on the show. And let’s spread the love today. Why don’t you share this episode with a friend, someone who needs to hear some of the advice that I just gave in technically dating or someone who needs to hear the story of Shawn and Jen. I will be back next week with Aaron Murkowski who teaches flirting skills for the Art of Charm. And she’s going to give us advice on how to start moving back into the real world with flirtatiousness and fun. Until next week. I wish you happy dating

 

Dear Damona: Quarantine Love Questions

LOVE LOCKDOWN

For the past 2 months, my DMs have been flooded with your questions about love in the time of coronavirus. They have been coming in so fast that I’ve barely been able to keep up and of course the situation has been changing moment to moment.

So today’s special episode of Dates & Mates is 100% dedicated to answering your specific corona love questions.

So this week we’re answering some listener questions!

DEAR DAMONA

Damona answers listener questions about love and dating in this unprecedented time. She gives advice on: 

What to do when you’re engaged but have never spent this much time together? (4:45)

Hi Damona, this is Patty. I’m based in Atlanta, Georgia. And I just had a question for you. So I have been with my fiance for the past month almost three years, which is great. We’re actually supposed to get married this Summer but we’re going to have to reschedule. So that’s not fun. But the most interesting thing about these last six months weeks of working from home together. We just never spent that much time together before good thing is we still like each other. We still want to get married and we’ve not had too many major issues. But I just want to make sure that we’re taking care of each other and giving each other our space and I guess my real question is how do we make sure we don’t go and say nor into big fights and give each other space during this time because we love each other, but we just spending so much time together. So that’s my question.

How to keep moving towards marriage in a pandemic? (9:15)

Lockdown occurred 5 months into us dating. We FaceTime a lot and it’s going great! I want to define the relationship but the timing of this is a bit extreme since we haven’t seen each other in person in many weeks. How do I stay the course and keep the romantic relationship moving towards marriage coming out of a pandemic?

How do you break up during quarantine? (12:00)

How do you break up during this Quarantine? Or do you just let it ride till we are out of this?

When is it okay to move from sexting to sex in a pandemic? (14:20)

Is it ok to do an in-person date after getting tested negative for corona?

Can healthcare workers even date right now? (19:40)

I’m an RN and I’m volunteering to go to NYC to help the crisis. Being sent in a week. I should probably just assume I’m not gonna be dating anyone for a while considering I’ll still have a 2 week quarantine even after I’m done, right?

What are the best apps to meet right now? (21:35)

Now that all of us in America and Europe are stuck at home, what are the best apps or ways to virtually meet people around the world?

How not to lean too much on your partner for emotional support? (24:20)

What are fair expectations to have? What is the appropriate way to deal with not seeing your partner for like..months or potentially longer? I also feel like its so easy to put more emotional weight on your partner when you are more isolated from other friends/emotional supports and I want to know about ways to mitigate that impulse

How will coronavirus change dating forever? (27:40)

Do you think Coronavirus and confinement will change the way we date deeply? I believe being reminded collectively that we can all be sick and we will all die can push us towards more meaningful connections but is this naive?

DID YOU HEAR THE GOOD NEWS?

Do you want to hear more about Shannon and Mel’s Quarantine Love Success? Read all about it here! Shannon and her man give us the CUTEST quarantine date idea.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Unknown Speaker  0:00  

What does his text me so frustrated? He’s just not that into me. I’ve always been bad for attention. I’m ready for

Damona  0:12  

modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers. Welcome to dates in mates. You know for the past two months, my DMS have been flooded with questions about love in the time of Coronavirus. They have been coming in so fast and so furious that I’ve barely been able to keep up and of course the situation has been changing moment to moment. So today, we have a special deer damona episode that is 100% dedicated to answering your specific korona love questions before we get to tackling the challenges. I’d like to start off with a quarantine love success story from one of our listeners Shannon. after a breakup. She attended my 30 day dating playbook webinar in January and found love soon after. Here’s her story.

Unknown Speaker  1:06  

Normally I’m pretty picky about like distance. So I normally kind of do the whole five left like nope, nope, nope, too far no piece too short. Nope. I mean, I listened to your podcast and I was laughing like, that’s kind of me. I kind of go through that and don’t even really dig deeper because the superficial stuff. So this time around, I was like, Okay, I need to listen to the voice I’ve been hearing from damona. And so this guy pops up. So I messaged him and so we started chatting and just kind of hit it off and he’s lived an hour away. But I thought you know what he needed to be open minded to go for this. And instantly he was had great questions. He was interested in me he was like, if he remembered things he’d ask me a question and then you know, the next day he might remember what he asked me the day before and check in on me and just really was just all around proving to me quickly that he was pretty amazing. We went out on a Tuesday and We did the whole phone call first because I know that’s a big thing too. I was like, okay, gotta do the phone call before we leave here. So all this was like, right smack before, you know all the quarantine stuff. And so we had planned to see each other again on March 15. Our plan was I was going to go to where he lives and I was going to come and see him for the day. Well, that Friday was when they shut everything down. From then on. We’ve just had these like quarantine pipes at home, get to know you fast forward. No clutter, no people around kind of experience. And I know there’s probably a little bit of pros and cons with that. I think I’m typically kind of a fast relationship person, I need people and it kind of goes too fast and we get to know each other and the kids are involved in the families involved in a big ordeal. But this time, it went fast in a way that was just he and I like totally getting to know each other totally, you know Trying to figure out okay, well we’re gonna hang out for the next three days. What should we do? Like we can’t go anywhere. We can’t go to restaurants we can’t go to the movies like we can’t go to bars like we would typically do on a date. And so you know, we went on hike, and we took the dog for a walk and we ordered food in and we played cars, we played dominoes, we put a puzzle together and we cook together I bought a smashing little aprons and we cook together. And we were just kind of doing what we could do is what we had. And in the meantime, when we weren’t seeing each other, it was kind of funny because I have it on my phone. So we have this whole list in our in our notes on our phone that we’ve shared, of all the things we want to do when everything opens up because we’ve now said I love you. We’ve now like fully committed to each other and all of a sudden is debt. But yet I’ve never been to the movie with him. I’ve never been really in a bar with him. We haven’t done any Have those traditional things that you would do? Yeah, it’s been pretty interesting. And we’ve spent the time away from each other really digging deep and getting to know each other and like there’s definitely been a lot of God signs where we are things that just prove that okay, maybe maybe this is the one I’ve finally been waiting for.

Damona  4:15  

Shannon also told us about an adorable quarantine date that they had. You can listen to it and see pictures of Shannon and her man on the blog at dates and mates calm. If you need a sweet date idea or you’re craving a romantic story. This is it my friends, check it out at dates and maids calm. Hopefully you find Shannon’s story as inspiring as I do. I want that same happy ending for you too. But I know you have a lot of questions right now. So it’s time to get to the heart of the matter and see what’s on your mind.

Unknown Speaker  4:48  

Hi, Damona This is Patti. I’m based in Atlanta, Georgia, and I just had a question for you. So I have been with my fiance for the past. almost three years, which is great. We’re actually supposed to get married this summer, but we’re gonna have to reschedule. So that’s not fun. But the most interesting thing about these last six weeks of working from home together, is we just never spent that much time together before. Good thing is we still like each other, we still want to get married. And we’ve not had too many major issues. But I just want to make sure that we’re taking care of each other and giving each other space. And I guess my real question is, how do we make sure we don’t go insane or get into big fights? And give each other space during this time? Because we love each other, but we just spending so much time together.

Damona  5:44  

Patti, first of all, I want to say congratulations on your marriage, your upcoming marriage. And also, I’m really sorry, there are so many big life events that are being canceled right now. And it does require us to take some time. to mourn that loss like so I’m sure that that is an element that is also affecting the interactions with your partner right now. So maybe just even give yourselves this time if you haven’t talked about it, to really let your feelings out over the fact that you can’t have the wedding that you wanted to have right now. Now, that aside, this is a great opportunity for you, you’re actually getting to work through a lot of the challenges that many couples don’t face until much further down the road. And you’re getting to see what that really is like in the worst case scenario. And I promise you, marriage is not as hard as quarantine relationships will be. I love that you said, you want to make sure that you’re taking care of each other. That is such a key fundamental thing to develop in a relationship to feel that you almost want more for the other person than you want for yourself. I’m not saying give everything away. That’s also not healthy, but I always try Try to think of the other person and how I can meet their needs first, and then hopefully, if you are with the right partner and it sounds like you are, that person will be doing the same for you. And if you’re both taking care of each other, then both of your needs are getting met. Now, in terms of conflict resolution, you want to make sure that you are focusing on listening, listening, listening, listening. And again, thinking of it from the other person’s perspective, especially in the time of quarantine, keeping in mind that he may be just feeling that pressure of finances, that’s also a big thing for men, making sure that they can provide and take care of you. Of course, ladies, we got our own stuff, but that’s still something that’s intrinsic in the way that men are brought up. So this is probably a very scary time for him as well. So make sure that you are sensitive to that and keeping that filter on everything. He’s saying to you, and then it’s really important that couples have their own space, their own physical space, or a process to help you recharge, so that you are coming to your partner with the best possible you. It’s also great if you can set up a schedule, like you would have had, when you were out of quarantine, you weren’t together all day, every day you were working, you were doing other things. Make sure you have that schedule still. And that you have times that you come back together. I talked on the show before about the importance of quarantine date nights, have that time where you can look forward to being together again. And then the time in between that that you are separated even if you’re in the same room. I love my apple EarPods Pro, they’re not paying me to say this but they have really amazing noise cancelling function where you can just block everything out focus on what you have to do and then when you are ready to focus on your partner. You can Focus on each other. And I really, really hope that you have the wedding that you dream of, maybe it’s not going to be this summer, but that you are really able to celebrate your love the way that you want to do it when the time is right.

Our next question came to us. In an email this person says locked down occurred five months into us dating, we facetimed a lot and it’s going great. I want to define the relationship at the timing of this is a bit extreme. Since we haven’t seen each other in person in many weeks. How do I stay the course and keep the romantic relationship moving towards marriage coming out of a pandemic? Hold on a second moving towards marriage. You’ve been dating five months and I know there are many relationships that are very successful after only dating a few weeks or months. But let’s not put the cart before the horse you had five months of dating and now you’ve had at least two months separation. So let’s just put the big M word aside for a minute, that may not be the path that we’re on and that is okay. It’s okay not to know. This is something that I really help my clients develop in my one on one coaching program, the comfortability with discomfort, right? Getting to be okay with not having the answers, not knowing where something is headed at every point. And you’ve heard me say this on the show before, as well. Being okay being in the moment and letting things unfold. We’ve kind of lost the sense of mystery. And a lot of times people think because I talk about dating, planning, and having a strategy for dating, that you should know every single thing that’s going to unfold for you know, we’re still dealing with people, we’re still dealing with emotions. We’re also in a pandemic, we’re dealing with an ever changing situation. So just let that sink in for a moment. And let’s just look at where you are right now. How can you be more connected virtually? Can you do some, some scheduled virtual dates? Can you send each other gifts across the miles? Can you create some sort of a ritual that reminds each other what you had when you were together two months ago? And then maybe you can make some plans about what you’d like to do together when all of this is over. But let’s not put too much pressure on the moment right now, because depending on where you are, this could be going on for a lot longer. And you don’t know this person may have changed during the pandemic, you may have changed. So try to release the expectation if you can. This question was sent to us from a listener in La

Unknown Speaker  12:02  

damona helped me with this whole quarantine? Is it okay to break up with somebody during the Korean team? And if so, do we do it on the phone? Can I FaceTime? Can I just send a text? Or do we have to wait until this is all over before we can break up with somebody they keep making plans for when we get out of this, I don’t want to be with them.

Damona  12:22  

Here’s the deal. We have a responsibility to find our best possible partner, the person that is going to make you the most happy. So by staying in a relationship that’s not right for you, you’re you’re actually blocking two people from their relationship destiny, you’re doing yourself a disservice and you’re doing that other person as a disservice. And I know we’re in a time where isolation feels really scary. And it feels really heavy because we’ve been in it for a while. So you may be thinking, should I just stay in this because it’s convenient because I have this person here or because it’s awkward to end things when we are not in the same space. But ultimately, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to take care of our emotional well being. And if being in a relationship with this person is dragging you down, that’s the last thing that you need added onto your plate when we have so much else that we are sorting through. So I would say if you can flip it in your mind and not think of it as like crushing this person, soul, but think about it as liberating that person and liberating yourself that will help you approach this person with compassion. When you do end it. Now, a breakup text, never, never The best way to handle it. But ideally, you want to do it with the most possible connection. So that may be a phone call, that may be a video call, that may even be a distance meeting. Now that’s going to be kind of hard in this particular situation, but if you can just visualize Eyes, the best possible option for yourself and then find a time to connect with that person not when they’re on the go not when they’re in the middle of work, but when you can have some dedicated time to let them know how much they have meant to you and what they’ve given to you. But to then release them to be able to find their best match so that you can do that too. So we have two questions that are similar that have come to us from Instagram asks, Is it okay to do an in person date after getting tested negative for Corona? and Jordan says when is it okay to move from sexting to sex in a pandemic, asking for all my friends, depending on where you are, I highly recommend getting tested. I’m here in Los Angeles where testing is free for all residents. So if you have that, take advantage of it. I do recommend that once you get tested that your partner also gets tested this is like the new STI actually research shows that Corona virus is actually active in the sperm of people who have the virus. So it is an STI technically, we don’t know how that may transmit sexually, okay. So, we have to also consider if you are having sex with someone, it may pass through sperm, it may also pass through saliva, it may you going to be touching faces potentially I, there’s just a lot of risk. So you have to protect yourself and protect the other person. But just like with STI s, I think you can say I’ve gotten tested, have you and I’d love to be intimate with you. But I want to make sure we’re both being safe. That can get you from sexting to sex in a pandemic, but I think this is a time to not take connections lightly because it literally can be life or death is sex with this person worth your life. You have to make that decision. But a lot of people aren’t taking this as seriously as it truly is. I would say try to save it if you can. May is also masturbation month. We haven’t talked about that much on the show but hey, it’s it’s good timing. Let’s move on. Now that we have crossed the barrier into some racier topics, we’re going to take a little break. But before we go, I have one more quarantine love success story. This one comes to us from a listener named Mel.

Unknown Speaker  16:33  

I started listening to a date to me it’s about a year ago and started intentionally dating and then damona sent me information on how to polish my profile. then a month later, I met this great guy. We been together now for over three months and it’s going really well. quarantine definitely slowed down our relationship but definitely in a good way, because it really got us thinking, just creative ways to keep the relationship going. Because we both knew we were still interested in each other. We played games with each other like audio, and video dates. We also like, talked about different date ideas like ordering each other, like takeout food. And watching in a movie together, we’ve made lists about movies that he’s seen that I haven’t and movies that I’ve seen that he hasn’t. So we were we got really creative with dates. For us, it’s worked out really great, because we feel so much closer and so much more comfortable with each other then, either one of us expected to at this point in our relationship And to be honest, if we hadn’t had all that time, like apart, and like forced into like, so many situations where like we have to talk and really make effort for a relationship, we probably wouldn’t be meeting each other’s parents. We keep talking about actually how it feels like we’ve been dating longer than we actually have, but in a good way.

Damona  18:23  

If you are in the Patreon Friends with Benefits Program, you may have seen my secret training video which was just posted with Susan ibex the face reader in it. I did a profile Polish for Mel. And y’all you have to see it. It left her speechless. We also told her how to look for the right matches online just based on their facial features. Apparently, she took the advice to heart and it worked for her, it could work for you too. If you’re not part of the Patreon Friends with Benefits community. I’d love for you to have access to all of them. bonus content, the Facebook community, plus a discount on all of my online programs, you can join for as little as $5 a month, or for $100. You can get a profile Polish from me just like Mel did. You can see what’s inside the club@patreon.com slash dates and mates. And hopefully we will hear your success story on a future episode. Again, that’s patreon.com slash dates and mates do check the show notes for the link. More questions from you in just a moment. Stick around. We’re back. You asked, I answered. And there’s more dear damona This one is a DM on Twitter from Rio. Rio says I’m an RN and I’m volunteering to go to NYC to help the crisis being sent in a week. I should probably just assume I’m not going to be dating anyone for a while considering I still have a two week quarantine even After I’m done, right? Rio is 100%. Right? In this particular situation, I’m all for like, all dating all the time, right? I think it’s all great practice. But you also have to keep in mind, the mental state that you’re in, and the other things that are priorities in your life. Right now like, what, what if you did madly fall in love with someone, and then you cannot talk to them? I’m sure you’re going to be working 12 plus hour shifts, and you’re going to be tied up for at least a few weeks, and then maybe a few more weeks. So is this the right time to potentially embark on your life changing love? Maybe not. Maybe this is a better time while you have this week to yourself to do some self work to do some mental health preparation because I’m sure it’s going to be rough like you’re going into battle Rio, and thank you by the way Thank you for serving the community in New York and all of the people that are suffering from this virus we need you. So we want you to be the healthiest you can be to be at your best self. And we know you know, from listening to prior episodes, that love is like your brain on drugs. And you need to have your brain 100% in the in the game. So even though I’m all dating all the time, I think this is the time for you to focus on you. And to get your get your mind right to get your heart right, and to get ready to serve. This question comes to us from joy from LA give it a listen.

Unknown Speaker  21:40  

This is joy from LA and I want to know, now that all of us in America and Europe are stuck at home, what are the best apps or ways to virtually meet people around the world?

Damona  21:53  

This is literally one of the most asked questions that I get. So I’m not going to sound like a broken record, but I’m just gonna To remind you that apps are specific to each person finding the right app is as important as finding the right person. You have to sample and each city has a different app that’s really hot there. So you have to figure out what’s the right app for your city. What’s the right app for you. You’ll look at the functionality, the matches, you’ll also look at the response rates that you’re getting, you want to split test. I’m going to get really dating expert nerdy right now, you’re going to be on two different apps. And you’re going to have a substantially similar profile on both apps, same pictures, similar text, obviously, each app has a bio like about me. And then some of them have different ways that they put other information in or lack of information, no comment on which app that is. You talk about America and Europe. I want to just remind you that now we have a really exciting opportunity that you’re dating pool has expanded beyond just your local community. And, you know, the sad little five mile radius that most people have been doing to the entire world, what a great time to actually be able to date internationally. Because there’s no risk, you won’t be able to meet in person for a while and you can practice your dating skills, and maybe find somebody that’s going to be a great emotional support through this pandemic, and possibly a very exciting international love in terms of ways to virtually meet around the world. I have been hearing about virtual speed dating, I think that’s a really fun idea. You can also look for Facebook communities and online communities that are around a particular interest that you have and see who you might be able to chat with there. I’m telling you, like Instagram is poppin in terms of a it’s a dating app, and people are searching hashtags and finding new friends that way. So I encourage you to like Look through the the accounts that you like, or even on Twitter, look through threads that are interesting to you. And you can begin a conversation with someone virtually that way. And just look at this as an interesting experiment, and the time that we have during this pandemic, to date a little bit differently and see how it might affect your dating life. Lucy sent us this question. She says what are fair expectations to have? What is the appropriate way to deal with not seeing your partner for like months or potentially longer. I also feel like it’s so easy to put more emotional weight on your partner when you are more isolated from other friends and emotional supports. And I want to know about ways to mitigate that impulse. Lucy, thank you so much for highlighting this. I talked about this a little bit on NPR. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders and life kit, but it’s very dangerous for you to put all of the weight on your partner to be here. Everything. And yes, that is the impulse right now because we don’t have our friend circle. We don’t have our family. I just want to like give my mama hug. And I can’t even do that, right? But what can you do? Instead of looking at what you can’t do, let’s look at what is available to you. You can still do video chats with your friends or even just phone calls. You can write letters to people, which like when was the last time you wrote letters, you can journal and get your feelings out in that way. You can do meditation, yoga, virtual workouts like I am rolling deep in my one peloton, community and I feel I literally I did my hundredth peloton ride this week, and I literally bawled for like five minutes of it. Because I saw I had so many high fives from these people that I didn’t even know that were so happy for me. I’m almost going to cry again. Right now you guys, there are so happy for me that I made it to 100 rides, and I didn’t even know them. And then I posted about it in the, in the peloton, community. And more people commented and gave me more virtual high fives. So it’s easy to look at it like we are alone and we’re isolated. But it’s amazing if you just step out a little bit and you just reach out how much of a community really is out there to support you. Remember that you have to still make connecting, feel special, make it feel special again. So even if you can’t see each other, you want to continue to send Good morning texts and remind each other that you’re thinking of one another. You want to still find ways to connect virtually maybe it’s on the phone, maybe it’s video chat. Maybe it’s social distance I’ve been to I mean maybe I’m gonna get arrested by the LAPD. I don’t know. I’ve been doing Social distance, wind dates with my girlfriends, we sit six feet apart, outdoors. And we hang and it feels like old times, we’re just a little further apart. And we’re just a little bit in the element. So you bring a blanket and you keep it cute. We don’t have to let this pandemic make us feel limited. We can look for other ways that we can explore different kinds of relationships and different ways to connect. And we don’t know we don’t have the answers. We don’t know how long this is going to go on for. So let this be an opportunity to get to know your partner in a different way.

Our last question came to me from an Instagram dm this comes from Judith all the way from France. Hello Judith. I don’t speak any French. So I was gonna try and be cute and say like something in French but I can’t. But hopefully you can understand me if You wrote into the show in English, you understand what I’m about to say. So Judith asks, do you think Coronavirus and confinement will change the way we date deeply? I believe being reminded collectively that we can all be sick, and we will all die can push us towards more meaningful connections. But is this naive? naive girlfriend, you just said we will all die. You went all the way there. Maybe it’s a French thing? I don’t know. But let’s take that apart out. Like Yes, we are reminded of our own mortality. I think more people are afraid of the sickness right now. But I don’t know that it’s really ultimately going to change dating. So will it remind us that we need to make more meaningful connections? Will it cause more meaningful connections? I believe so. In the short term, I what I’m seeing right now is that people are fatiguing of the multiple multiple dates in a week or in a weekend that we used to have. And I think this is because you don’t know where it’s going. And so it was easy to just do a one off day we’ll just meet for coffee or drinks before the pandemic. But now, getting to know someone may be like a nightly FaceTime commitment. And a lot of people aren’t really up for that if they are not sure that somebody is going to be the one. So I’m seeing that people are spending more time getting to know fewer people, rather than treating everyone as if they’re disposable and looking for the next best thing. And I think that that is a great thing because it’s teaching us a valuable skill. Now, ultimately, I do think the speed of dating is going to increase. But my hope is that yes, we will be able to listen a little bit better. We’ll be able to stay in the moment more we’ll be able to evaluate our matches more thoroughly before we just run out to the bar and grab a drink with someone that We haven’t really gotten to know anything about. But ultimately, it’s up to you all. It’s up to you, Judith, it’s up to everyone that’s listening right now. If you want to see a change in the culture, if you you hated that swipe, swipe, swipe date, date, sex sex sex system that we were in, then why don’t you be the change that you wish to see in the world? That’s it for today’s episode. Thanks for joining me for dear Dimona, it’s Episode 310. If you have a question that didn’t make it on this show, and you want to hear it answered on a future episode, don’t be shy. You can DM me at damona Hoffman on all the socials or send me a voicemail or email and my voicemail numbers 424-246-6255 email Dimona at damona Hoffman comm I’ll put all that good stuff in the show notes. But if you are ready if you’ve been a Inspired by something that I said today, and you’re ready to dive in and have something, some of those more meaningful connections, I have my 30 day dating playbook program that’s here for you when you’re ready to get back to the new normal and get back into action. And it can work for virtual dates, it can work for offline data, wherever you are, it’s there for you at 30 day, dating.com, three, zero, day dating.com. And for those of you who are just exploring the idea, or if you’ve been listening for a while, and you just want to expand your relationship with me, let’s change our relationship status. And you can join that Patreon community@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. It’s just five bucks y’all. So if you love the show, support us, why not we can keep making more dates and mates. You can keep getting your love advice, and it’s just five bucks a month. And you can also get the full profile Polish for me if you want something that’s a little more bespoke, that’s at the hundred dollar level and you can emerge From this quarantine into the beautiful dating butterfly that you were meant to be, like clockwork We will be back again bright and early next Monday with a rather unorthodox proposal story that you simply have to hear. Until next week. I wish you good health and happy dating

Dates & Mates Success Stories: Finding Love in Quarantine

DATES & MATES SUCCESS STORY

This year, both Shannon and Mel completed some of my programs and were able to find their dream relationships. In Shannon’s own words: 

“Normally I’m pretty picky about like distance. So I normally kind of do the whole five left like nope, nope, nope, too far no piece too short. Nope. I mean, I listened to your podcast and I was laughing like, that’s kind of me. I kind of go through that and don’t even really dig deeper because the superficial stuff. So this time around, I was like, Okay, I need to listen to the voice I’ve been hearing from damona. And so this guy pops up. So I messaged him and so we started chatting and just kind of hit it off and he’s lived an hour away. But I thought you know what he needed to be open minded to go for this. And instantly he was had great questions. He was interested in me he was like, if he remembered things he’d ask me a question and then you know, the next day he might remember what he asked me the day before and check in on me and just really was just all around proving to me quickly that he was pretty amazing. We went out on a Tuesday and We did the whole phone call first because I know that’s a big thing too. I was like, okay, gotta do the phone call before we leave here. So all this was like, right smack before, you know all the quarantine stuff. And so we had planned to see each other again on March 15. Our plan was I was going to go to where he lives and I was going to come and see him for the day. Well, that Friday was when they shut everything down. From then on. We’ve just had these like quarantine pipes at home, get to know you fast forward. No clutter, no people around kind of experience. And I know there’s probably a little bit of pros and cons with that. I think I’m typically kind of a fast relationship person, I need people and it kind of goes too fast and we get to know each other and the kids are involved in the families involved in a big ordeal. But this time, it went fast in a way that was just he and I like totally getting to know each other totally, you know Trying to figure out okay, well we’re gonna hang out for the next three days. What should we do? Like we can’t go anywhere. We can’t go to restaurants we can’t go to the movies like we can’t go to bars like we would typically do on a date. And so you know, we went on hike, and we took the dog for a walk and we ordered food in and we played cars, we played dominoes, we put a puzzle together and we cook together I bought a smashing little aprons and we cook together. And we were just kind of doing what we could do is what we had. And in the meantime, when we weren’t seeing each other, it was kind of funny because I have it on my phone. So we have this whole list in our in our notes on our phone that we’ve shared, of all the things we want to do when everything opens up because we’ve now said I love you. We’ve now like fully committed to each other and all of a sudden is debt. But yet I’ve never been to the movie with him. I’ve never been really in a bar with him. We haven’t done any Have those traditional things that you would do? Yeah, it’s been pretty interesting. And we’ve spent the time away from each other really digging deep and getting to know each other and like there’s definitely been a lot of God signs where we are things that just prove that okay, maybe maybe this is the one I’ve finally been waiting for.”

Shannon also shared with us the perfect quarantine date she had with her man. You should ABSOLUTELY steal this idea:

Dates & Mates Success Story from Damona on Vimeo.

Here are a few more picture that she sent us of her special night!

Mel received a profile polish (You can too! By joining the Patreon Friends with Benefits program at the $100 level!). Soon after, she saw amazing results and found love. Here’s Mel’s story in her own words:

I started listening to Dates & Mates about a year ago and started intentionally dating and then damona sent me information on how to polish my profile. Then a month later, I met this great guy. We been together now for over three months and it’s going really well. quarantine definitely slowed down our relationship but definitely in a good way, because it really got us thinking, just creative ways to keep the relationship going. Because we both knew we were still interested in each other. We played games with each other like audio, and video dates. We also like, talked about different date ideas like ordering each other, like takeout food. And watching in a movie together, we’ve made lists about movies that he’s seen that I haven’t and movies that I’ve seen that he hasn’t. So we were we got really creative with dates. For us, it’s worked out really great, because we feel so much closer and so much more comfortable with each other then, either one of us expected to at this point in our relationship And to be honest, if we hadn’t had all that time, like apart, and like forced into like, so many situations where like we have to talk and really make effort for a relationship, we probably wouldn’t be meeting each other’s parents. We keep talking about actually how it feels like we’ve been dating longer than we actually have, but in a good way.

If you’re interested in the resources that helped Shannon and Mel find love, maybe it’s time we changed our relationship status.  

You are invited to become a Friend with Benefits. This exclusive program includes bonus content from the show, secret training sessions, voting power to influence future episodes, a private online community, and more. JOIN NOW!

Self Care & Sensuality

ARE YOU BEING LOVED THE RIGHT WAY?

The foundation for every great relationship is understanding. Understanding how to love and how to be loved.

On today’s episode of the Dates & Mates podcast, my guest Allana Pratt – intimacy coach and host of the “Intimate Conversations” Podcast – shows us the upside to the isolation we are all experiencing right now.

Now is the time for self-discovery. And by self-discovery, we mean truly understanding how you would like your partner to show you love.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines! 

DATING DISH (3:01)

Are 50 Cent and Jamira Haines #RelationshipGoals?

Here’s a curveball: 50 Cent is making vision boards with his girlfriend. Apparently, for 30 Days they sent each other pictures of things that they wanted and then discussed. Damona explains exactly why you should be doing this with your boo.

via GIPHY

A scary social campaign sweeping North Africa

Sofia Taloni, a trans influencer from Morocco, is encouraging her followers to catfish and out gay men. Not only is this extremely unethical, it’s dangerous. Damona explains and breaks down what it means for us.

Damona’s NPR Relationship Tips

In case you missed it, Damona was on “It’s Been A Minute with Sam Sanders” on NPR. She gives you all the behind the scenes info that was cut from the final episode.

HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE LOVED? (16:00)

We’re not just talking love languages here. Today, we show you how to get into the nitty-gritty details of your love language.

via GIPHY

 

For Allana, physical touch and cuddling are a big way to demonstrate affection. BUT it wasn’t until her boyfriend one day held her face in a very specific way did she truly understand that she felt loved.

Not only does Allana give us a game plan for achieving some much-needed self-understanding, we also discuss

  • Self Care tips for isolated singles
  • Relationship maintenance for those in close quarters with their partners
  • And how to keep it sexy when you can’t quarantine with your boo

This episode has such deep and meaningful lessons for everyone. Trust me, Allana does not disappoint.

If you’re as amazed by Allana as we are, you should check out all her resources at AllanaPratt.com!

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email from Chatrice: I feel like guys are only on the apps because of “BoreRona” (boredom caused by corona). I know this is true because my FaceTime requests are being breezed over and the slight mention of a post-Rona date sends them into a frenzy. Should I just hit pause on my dating goals and go with the flow or do I cut these bored guys off and keep it moving?
  • J from IG: How do I deal with abandonment issues in a relationship?

 

 

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

 

 

 

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.

Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for: 

  • an opportunity to work with Damona directly
  • to get quality advice that is tailored to your dating challenges
  • and to become part of a community that will help you find the healthiest, most loving relationships this year

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, welcome to Dates & Mates!

 

Damona  0:21  

one of the biggest issues in dating and relationships is intimacy. Whether you’re trying to find love virtually right now and you’re not getting enough of it, or you’re quarantine with your loved one, and maybe you’re getting too much of it. We are all struggling right now, as always, but especially in this crazy COVID world. intimacy and sex are a part of healthy relationships. But we’re not always clear on how to build and maintain intimacy in a healthy way.

 

Unknown Speaker  0:51  

So today,

 

Damona  0:52  

we are once and for all going to get clear on the intimacy timeline with one of the top experts in this field. Dr. Emily Morse of the sex with Emily podcast. I’ve listened to her show for years and now I’m delighted to welcome her finally to dates and mates. But before you get all hot and bothered, we have headlines including will dating be forever changed by COVID-19? And could jayda and Will’s relationship be in trouble plus the safest places to get your free guide on during the pandemic shutdown? And then in technically dating Emily and I will answer your questions like what to do if you and your partner have different sexual needs and how to deal with insecurities in the bedroom. All that and more on today’s very hot dates and maids This one is definitely not one to listen to in the room with the kiddos. Explicit warning, I’m saying it now it’s going to be hot but you’re going to want to hear everything that Emily and I talked about. You ready For the dates in mates,

 

Unknown Speaker  2:02  

let’s dish these dating dish.

 

Damona  2:07  

According to time dating will be permanently changed by COVID-19. A lot of people have been asking my opinion on this from NPR, you may have heard me do a couple of segments in the last few weeks. You may have read in my new column in the LA Times about this. There are a lot of people speculating about what this will mean for intimacy. So let me just take a snapshot of where I think we are right now. And I can make a guess about where I think it will go. And I’ll also tell you what some of the other experts that time interviewed said, and you can make your own determination about what you think will happen when quarantine opens up and people are able to return to some sense of normalcy. So now we’re in this place where just speaking of dating specifically, people are unable to meet face to face. So I’m hearing a couple of different things I’m hearing there are a lot of people that are really excited by the ability to make new connections without all that pressure. So many of my listeners have been timid about online dating. Well, you know, I’ve always been very bullish about it. But part of the reason is that, that awkwardness of moving offline and into the real world so it’s allowed a lot of new people to step into the space and play in the dating space and the chat space in the flirtation space and see if this could be a good avenue for them to date. So I think dating apps will continue to be on the rise. They’ve already all said that they are having a huge increase in new users and new chats, but we don’t we don’t know what that will look like when there are other avenues available for dating but I do believe it will consistently be up. Now people are having to do virtual dates, and be really clever with quarantine dates and what I love about This is that it’s causing people to be a little more mindful to slow down and also to be more creative and really get to know one another people have been obsessed we talked about love is blind on the show a few weeks ago, people have been obsessed with this idea of finding love without the confusion, I guess of what someone looks like and, and the visual seeing them face to face. But we all know like not every couple made it on love is blind. I’m not saying any spoilers or anything, but not every couple makes it. And so there’s this almost fantasy playing out where people are thinking that this is going to be the answer to unlock all of these problems in dating, that dating timelines are going to slow which you’ve heard me say on the show before and that people are going to become more mindful of who they’re having sex with the thought we talked about the other Netflix show too hot to handle recently. As well, what I think is really going to happen is that it’s, it’s we’re going to return to how it was before but we are going to have new filters in place. Like being able to do that video chat and having it not be weird. I that’s the biggest thing that I think will come away from COVID-19. With as far as dating is concerned, a lot of things that we once thought were weird, are no longer going to be weird video chat dating is not going to be weird. calling someone on the phone who you’ve never met is no longer going to be weird. It’s going to be normal again, like it once was. So I think this is a really great time, but we’re going to go through a little bit of an ebb and flow. They interviewed one of my favorite experts for this time magazine article, Helen Fisher, and she is a she’s a social scientist. She works at the Kinsey Institute. She’s studied the brain on love, and she says that thirst and hunger are not going to do And therefore, neither are the feelings of love and attachment that allow you to pass your DNA on to the next generation. So that’s what we have to remember. Like, I can get all intellectual about dating and dating plans and processes. But when it comes down to it, that drive for procreation and that drive for connection is the strongest thing in the world. That is, that is what drives everything, because we are wired to keep the human race going. And that is not going away just because of COVID-19. So there’s a lot of talk of people abstaining from sex, there was this government. I think it was a New York City slogan about you are your own safest sex partner right now, which is true and which has always been true, but people aren’t just going to forget about having sex or having connection because we had COVID-19. I think what we’re going to see if I can predict for a moment is that once the restrictions are lifted, There are going to be a couple of weird moments, like a first dance at prom, where people are like, I don’t want to be the first one to get out there and hit the dance floor like I don’t want to look weird or be the first one to make a fool of myself. So people are a little shy to enter the dance floor. And then a couple of brave people jump in, and everybody’s like, oh, there, you look cool, that looks fine. I want to do that too. And then everybody is on the dance floor, and then all of a sudden, the dance floor is gonna get really crowded. And people are going to realize that there is a risk right now in dating and making connections with people in holding hands kissing, touching other things that we’ll talk about later in the show. And I think there’s going to be a little bit of a balancing and a retraction where people are going to slow down again, and that’s where I hope we will land in this sweet spot of love and relationships. So check out this article. I’ll put it in the show notes. There was also a mention of really interesting experiment that they’re doing at you Pan. That’s sort of a love Love is blind inspired experiment where they’re trying to help people fall in love over email. During quarantine. I can’t wait to see what the results of that study are. I’m sure we will cover it on dates and mates but it is making me believe in love again. You know one couple that is love goals for life. Everybody has known of the romance between Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. And we all look to them. We see red Table Talk and we see them out together and we’re like, they’re the perfect couple. They’ve got it all. They’ve got it all. But on read Table Talk recently jayda revealed that being in quarantine has made her realize that she and will don’t really know each other anymore. They’ve grown apart to some extent and they’ve been together over 20 years. And there is this lull in the relationship where you start to almost take your partner for granted and then you look at them and you think oh How could you take your partner for granted? This is Will Smith or how could you take jayda Pinkett Smith they’re both so amazing in their own right. But I love in the show how real jayda makes the issues that she’s going through and how grounded they are to make you realize that even though we idealize their relationship, and she is saying she was even idealizing, who her partner was, we can learn so much by hearing her honest take on what’s going on. And she’s saying that in this time, it’s also an opportunity. If you’re in a relationship right now, it’s an opportunity to get to know your partner again, on a deeper level. I’ve been doing like 20 questions and playing all these fun games with my husband, and really getting to see a different side of him. I don’t feel like it’s quite at the level of what Jayla said like I don’t know him at all. But I do feel like I have learned things that maybe if we hadn’t had that time to really slow down and really bond together that I may not have taken the time to stop and ask some of these questions that I’ve had answered. So this is a great reminder for us to not be complacent in marriage or in relationships and to always try to find that spark and that ability to be curious. You know, I’m always talking about that with dating, right. Be curious about your partner. And I think that is the silver lining on all of this, not just for jayda and will but for us as well.

 

Turns out, a lot of people may not be satisfied in their relationships right now because according to adult friend finder, they are seeing a big surge in new users. And this is a casual dating and camping site. So actually all of the so called cheating sites are seeing a big surge and That’s a lot of people trying to escape the reality like it’s intense in there. It’s intense when you are 24 seven with somebody that you, you maybe you really have strong feelings for them or maybe you have been growing apart for a while. And this intensity is just the thing to drive the wedge between you and where you’re seeking, seeking fulfillment from other sources. But here’s the thing on Adult friend finder, they also are helping people move into like virtual sec situations. And they had to launch a new platform called Virgie. I didn’t make it that name, y’all. It’s a platform that provides a safe environment for people looking to explore orgies during COVID-19. So some of these people may be in relationships. Some may be single, but a lot of these common video chat sites that We use like zoom, did you know this, like you cannot have relations on zoom, and not that they’re peeking in on everybody’s video chats, but there is an element of them monitoring what’s happening. And so these virtual sex parties could no longer happen on zoom, and they had to find another avenue for allowing the people that come to their site to be able to do the things that they want to do. So this is just to remind you that there’s something out there for everyone and whatever your need is right now, whether it’s an emotional or an intimate need or simply a sexual need. There’s no shame in the game y’all. You can find what you’re looking for. Online. The Google machine has made anything that you want possible and animation to you at the click of a button. So I encourage you to go out there and find what you’re looking for speaking of finding what you’re looking for getting your needs met, and let’s face it speaking of sex, we have a very hot guest for you today. As I mentioned at the top of the show, one of my inspirations Dr. Emily Morse will be joining me in just a moment, she’s going to tell us everything we need to know about building intimacy from first time sex and consent, all the way to reigniting the passion in a long term relationship. So if you’ve ever asked after what date Should I sleep with him? Does this sex mean the same thing to her as it means to me? am I even doing this right? Then this is the episode for you don’t go anywhere. Dr. Emily Morris is coming up in just

 

Unknown Speaker  13:49  

a moment.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:57  

We are back and I am here

 

Damona  13:59  

with the One and only Dr. Emily Morris. She has a PhD of human sexuality and she is the powerhouse behind one of my favorite podcasts sex with Emily. Please, please, please put your lips together give big smooches to Dr. Emily Morris. Hello.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:19  

Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be here.

 

Damona  14:22  

I am so glad to have you here. People have questions and like, I can only take them so far. But you can take them all the way. Emily, wave ready to go. And I will just talk first about your mission with sex with Emily. You talk about make wanting to make sex. Easy to talk about and yeah, so it’s so listable and like topics that a lot of people are sort of

 

Unknown Speaker  14:45  

sensitive about

 

Damona  14:47  

you make it just you just bring down the walls and make it so simple.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:51  

Exactly. I mean, that’s my main mission is because most of us are not comfortable talking about sex because we don’t have any great models for it. Our parents weren’t Talking about it most likely our friends weren’t talking about it. We have a lot of shame around it. We think love is good girls don’t talk about sex and and you know, then what is it? What What message Am I sending if I talk about sex, so there’s just, there’s just a way that I want people to feel more, you know,

 

Damona  15:18  

take away the shame and the and the stigma around it and just make it comfortable. Because really, when we’re sexually healthy, we’re healthy overall, it contributes to a healthy lifestyle overall. So I just try to get people to understand that that’s, it’s something that we need to do to have an overall healthy life get comfortable talking about sex, and then that actually improves our sex life. Absolutely. And so many of our listeners realize that it’s an important part of a relationship and many of them are single right now and wishing for that right relationship. So I want to talk a little bit about building intimacy through the different phases. Let’s begin at the beginning with the people that are just starting like let’s say COVID aside, quarantine aside, they are just beginning new relationships and beginning to be intimate one.

 

Unknown Speaker  16:04  

So this there are actually like for some say it’s five, there’s about four stages of intimacy that we talked about in relationships. And the first one is the infatuation phase. This is the honeymoon phase, the phase that we all crave. And we want to we always, are always trying to get back to this phase. And this is when we first meet someone and we just think, Wow, this person is so perfect for me. everything lines up. It’s like, like, we’re so alike. It’s sort of the infatuation stage and the kind of the diffusion stage. And it’s sort of like and there’s also a powerful like, neurochemical thing going on in our brains where we feel like a kind of altered state of consciousness going on. And it’s sort of like they look at the brainwave patterns of, of people like falling in love, and they’re like, God, it looks like either they’re in love or they do some kind of drugs because it’s very similar, right? It’s a very similar pairing, and there’s a good feeling of euphoria and connection. So that’s like the first stage that we just were like, wow, we are so fused. Everything is just this person is my everything.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:07  

Yeah.

 

Damona  17:08  

So then we move past that because I’ve had like, they’re my listeners are tired of me saying this so much, but there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Like there’s lust at first sight.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:18  

I say that too. I’m like you not love it is lost and that is totally fine. Lust happens, but you are not in love.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:27  

Okay, so how, how can we move on to love what’s the next stage they might Okay,

 

Unknown Speaker  17:32  

the next stage is the conflict and the power struggle.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:36  

This is when you have your first fight.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:39  

This is when you think, oh, like how do I differentiate myself from my partner? Like, maybe we’re not so much alike. You know, we struggle to exert like our individuality in a relationship. And there’s like conflict and you’re like, how can there be conflict in paradise? I didn’t realize, but that is the second stage. And that’s kind of where You know, people kind of last through this stage because some do. But the third stage, if you want me to skip to that that’s adjustment we call the adjustment and consolidation. And that’s where couples end up. This is where couples end the relationship. This is where divorce happens. This is where drugs addictions happen, people start drinking more. And a lot of people don’t get through these stages, it becomes a lot uglier. In this stage. We think Oh, wow. Like I remember the first stage. We’re like, Oh, my God, we are so perfect together. Everything’s amazing. And this is the stage where we’re like, there’s nothing we are nothing alike. And what am I going to do with each other?

 

Damona  18:34  

I’m sure a lot of people are feeling that right now.

 

Unknown Speaker  18:36  

Exactly, exactly. If this is the stage, we crave to get back to stage one. But I think a lot of people are in this stage right now. They might never have seen themselves going into this stage but because maybe we’re quarantined with somebody, and there’s so much strife and there’s we don’t have the conflict resolution skills to get us past the stages is is really where people are, are stuck right? And so I urge people to, you know, to kind of take a beat and realize that we’ve never been in this place before. And there’s like a, there’s an anxiety level that’s like in the ether in the universe right now we’re sort of all experiencing it from every angle, at work and at home and just the consciousness of everyone is sort of a heightened state of unknown anxiety, confusion. And then you put on top of that the person that has to be your most comfort in your joy. Now they’re giving you some strife, it feels like so I just, I mean, I recommend people reaching out and using their resources. I’m a huge fan of therapy. And I think that right now, there’s a lot of therapists I’d say the majority of them are offering online therapy and online coaching right now. And just know that it’s okay. You don’t have to solve it on your own because it’s this kind of language and dialogue that you have with your partner that’s gotten you here. So you’re going to need someone else you’re going to need some more tools from the outside to help you and it’s totally okay. Just like we hire a coach for work, a business coach, a trainer to get in shape a nutritionist, you might need one for your relationship right now. Absolutely. I totally believe in that if you’re single, like, same thing, we agree on the right therapy right now. Right?

 

Damona  20:14  

Right. So what’s on the other side of that Emily? solve the conflicts. Right.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:18  

Okay. So, um, the conflict, right? And, and when you get to this is the stage where this is the maturation stage where you mature, you have learned to differentiate, and this is true intimacy, like you’ve worked through your deepest wounds, you have really figured out, you know, who you are, you’ve gone to the dark places of intimacy as you shared it with your partner. And this is the stage where you say, Wow, we are nothing alike. And that’s beautiful. We are nothing alike. And that’s why we work because we support each other. We come together with these beautiful skills. And we’ve, we’ve, we’ve matured together, we’ve grown it and again, this doesn’t mean that you’ve been together 25 years. This could happen quickly. I mean, this can happen over a year this year. You know, it typically won’t happen in less than a year. But it depends how much work you’ve done individually coming together as well. The comments have you grown? How much have you looked at your past? wounds your childhood, your past relationships? have you dealt with abuse and trauma and anger? And, you know, there’s always work to do, but how much and how much are you both willing to work? Like, sometimes there’s one person who, who’s so into growth mindset and growing together and there’s someone’s like, no, we’re fine. I everything I’ve done is fine. I need to work and grow. I’m really good here. And that’s, that’s tough. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  21:34  

one person wants to grow and another person does not.

 

Damona  21:37  

Yeah, absolutely. You both have to be on the same page. And it’s also I would, I would add into the mix, you have to also be able to trust one another. And that’s, and I know that’s an element of all the work that you do, like if you are going to be intimate with someone whether it’s emotionally intimate or sexually intimate. There’s a level of trust you have to build when you say

 

Unknown Speaker  21:57  

absolutely, I mean, that’s the other thing is that you’ve built trust. See, I just kind of ran through those like quickly, but it’s like you. Yes, I mean trust is. Trust is something that you when you have it you have in your relationship and you don’t really think about it because it’s there. But once trust is broken in a relationship, it can be really difficult to heal, especially on your own. And the couples who like I hear from couples all the time, who say or it’s one person who says, well, but partner cheated on me and it’s been rough ever since. But I should be over it already. Or then the or the person who did the cheating says to me, why isn’t my partner over? And it’s like, well, what work have you done? Just saying I’m sorry, doesn’t gonna do it, or just because years or has passed, those wounds are still there. So you have to sort of rebuild, but you have to do that together. And again, I believe that can best be done in therapy. And it’s very hard to rebuild trust on your own. But yeah, trust is huge. That’s a big part of intimacy is couples like, like having trust, having integrity in the relationship. You know, broke broke through. It’s messy. They broken things down. They’ve rebuilt them. And they’ve they’ve stayed together and, and only like they say like only 5% of couples get to that that last stage of intimacy that really get there and really do it. Yeah. I mean,

 

Unknown Speaker  23:11  

I’m hoping I’m their girl.

 

Damona  23:14  

Living the dream, living the dream, but like, I want to go back for the listeners that are still single. When you’re building trust with someone new, that’s really, really hard. And a lot of times I get the question about when to be intimate with someone when to have sex. And then how do you even talk like, should you talk about it before you have sex? What’s the a DA, being? Sexy?

 

Unknown Speaker  23:40  

It’s a great question. I mean, I do believe that. That in order for us to be in a sexually healthy relationship with to be if we’re going to be having sex with someone, we have to be comfortable talking about it. The problem is where we’re at today in 2020s, that most people no matter what their age are, their their their backgrounds, their everything. They will not come through with it. We don’t have models. We don’t have people have done it. But I do believe and I do know this, the couples who are the healthiest and have the best sex lives are able to talk about it. And so I think before you talk about your before you have sex somewhat with someone how great to just say like, how important is sex to you in the relationship? You know, what kind of things are you into? I actually you could say I, it’s something that I’ve been on a journey to figuring out or getting comfortable talking about sex. I don’t have a lot of experience with talking about sex, but I know that it’s important. So would you be willing to be a partner that could talk about it with me, we could talk about what we like and what we’re into and what we don’t like or if we’ve never done this a we can figure it out together. But I know that sex is a really important part of a relationship. And I think, yeah, I mean, I think the sooner we talk about it, the better especially after you start having sex with someone. I don’t believe in this. Let’s wait a few months while it’s still really great. Cuz that’s when you should talk about it. Maybe just talk about how great it is or the things that you really liked about it. But it’s fun. Because we’re in relationships, and we’ll talk about like, we go to a movie, and we’ll talk about how much we liked the movie will have gone to dinner and we’ll say like, wasn’t a delicious meal. Well, yeah. didn’t love the appetizers. But I really enjoyed the, the main course. Well, we I don’t know if I’d go back there again. But sex we just like, we have the sex, and then it’s over. And then we don’t ever talk about it. And then no one knows

 

Unknown Speaker  25:20  

how it went.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:23  

Down.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:25  

Like, were we in a different, like, read a different thing here. We read different movies where we had a different,

 

Damona  25:30  

but a lot of times people are in different movies when they’re there.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:33  

They

 

Unknown Speaker  25:35  

thought that’s great. And the other is like, this is terrible. I don’t want to do this again. We’re sex in

 

Unknown Speaker  25:39  

my life. Exactly. So how great to be able to talk about it and a lot of my show. It’s funny. People hear the name sex with me. They think Oh, God, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. And I have to tell you that most of what I talk about is getting people comfortable communicating about it. I always say communication is a lubrication. And the more that we talk about taxi, we get comfortable with sex the much better stuff We’re going to have but it’s just getting to that place of, of breaking down the walls together and saying, like, I know this is awkward, but I really think it’s I know that it’s going to help us. So yeah, kind of talking about what your greatest memories are together, like, give her if it’s new thing, like, let’s talk about what did you like about last night and you don’t have to get into what you didn’t like yet because I have a whole process for that. But maybe to start off by complimenting your parents, and God, I really enjoyed the way you kissed my neck. When you kissed my neck, I felt these things run through my body that I haven’t felt in forever. And just affirming. So they know because maybe there was other things that you didn’t like, the let’s lead with the positive. I think we all like to hear the things that you do well, so that’s kind of like for early stage of relationships. I’ve other practices for the stuff we don’t like but I think just really enforcing reinforcing things that went well is harmful.

 

Damona  26:52  

I want to get into how you talk about this stuff if you don’t like and you have some questions actually in the next segment about that.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:57  

But consent comes up A lot

 

Damona  27:00  

for my listeners that are dating and just beginning to have sex. You know, Emily, I’m just going to ask you, I had a conversation off air with another with a male dating coach. I know. And we were talking about consent, and he was talking about like sexy ways that guys can ask for consent. And then he said, I don’t believe in asking for consent for a kiss. And I was like, Well, now we’re like, separating the process of intimacy. I want to get your take on that.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:30  

Well, I believe that there’s a really I think that in this day and age, there’s that Yeah, ask for consent for case i think i think there’s ways that you could do it. That’s really consensual. That’s really like, consensually, it’s positive. Again, consensual comes off as consensual, not offensive and kind of sexy. So you could just say I

 

Unknown Speaker  27:52  

What about just like, I’d really like to kiss you right now. Yeah, I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. Would you Be open i mean i’m really thinking about I can’t stop thinking about kissing you Would that be okay? How would you feel about that? And like looking at someone in their eyes and saying like,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:10  

like that’s the way it’s not like

 

Unknown Speaker  28:11  

I would you mind if I kissed you right now like it’s all it’s all energy yeah I think saying like you know I would really like to kiss you right now how how does that feel to you it’s just a really honest Looking in their eyes you feel seen and maybe you don’t want to but I’ve had guys say that to me. And even though it was really sweet I’m like, oh God, thank you for letting me know that. I’m not feeling that right now but I so I let’s keep talking I’ll let you know if I if that if my position on that changes. You know,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:42  

I’m glad that you can be so honest about that moment. I think a lot of women feel bad saying no to a case or even saying no to sex.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:54  

You’re such a good point here. Yeah,

 

Damona  28:56  

I hate that. We we don’t even you know, we we’re kind of Meaning that we are supposed to be polite, like, how can we get that kind of

 

Unknown Speaker  29:04  

confidence? Right to Mona like, this is the thing is that people is that. So I’ve talked about this a lot on my show. My show as well is that so many women we just have like we just say yes, because it’s so much easier than saying no, like I always I did a speech once. I was like, how many of you have just had sex? Because it was easier than saying now like, how many of you like given that blow job because you’re like,

 

Unknown Speaker  29:27  

raising my hand.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:29  

Same thing, and it’s like, why is it so hard? And I think it’s because we don’t we’re pleasers. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t want to come off as prude. We don’t want to come off as we don’t want to deal with conflict. And so it’s like, and I love that we’re having this conversation because I think it’s like first off for some women. They’re like, Oh, I can say no, like literally they don’t know they can say no. Well, the person already came to my room. I’ve already invited him to my home or we’re already on a date and they bought me a nice dinner and donate. Oh, oh them. You don’t know what else You don’t owe anybody anything but your real truth and your real honesty said in the most, in the kindest way possible in the most like, me doesn’t have to be kind of someone’s being aggressive. But I would, I would, I’ve learned that there’s nuances that to it, and I think of how to say no. And so. So usually what’s happened perhaps, historically, is that and this is sort of a somatic practice. As a medic therapy practice, I’m a trained somatic sex therapist as well. And what I mean by somatic is, is it being in your body, so embodied and really paying attention to when someone comes towards you, or someone’s touching you? How does it make you feel? And so what happens is so So an example would be, let’s say, someone and we probably had this experience where perhaps they just escalated a little bit too quickly. Like maybe the kiss happened. Like, I’ll give you the example of the kiss I just use so maybe someone tried to kiss me. I just I’ve had guys say, like, should we just kiss right now and get over it? And I’m like, no. No, not right now. But just because I say no doesn’t mean that maybe we truly could revisit this later. Or maybe Okay, so no better example that’s maybe more relatable to people is say you start making out with someone, and it’s getting hot and heavy, and then they start to put their hand on your pants. And it’s not like you wouldn’t want that. Eventually, maybe in an hour, maybe next time I see you, maybe in a month from now. But sometimes the whole it shuts out. We just wanted to what we really wanted that moment was just keep making out. We loved making out with this person. And so so so my experience be getting in touch and feeling like, Oh, I felt me get tense right now I’m not ready for that. And then being able to have the word say, put your hand on their, you know, on their hand and say, I’m not feeling that right now. But I’m really enjoying making out with you. So let’s keep doing that. Or I need to take a beat for a moment. Can we just pause on that for a second? I’m so loved loving getting to know you right now. So that signals to them I’m not saying gay. Go home, get in your car leave my house. I’m saying this is escalating beyond where I want it to go right now. And I’m sort of enjoying the arousal process of getting to know you the kissing. And I think we will often either just think we got to shut it down or we got to keep going. And we don’t realize that there’s a nuance to the process of arousal because most men if we’re talking about heterosexual relationships, for example, men escalate quicker than women. Men get aroused and turned on they have more of a responsive desire they respond to things happening in the moment or women or women are more responsive like we need things to build where men are spontaneous, they get aroused a lot quicker. Women are slow cookers and men are frying pan. So literally in that same moment of making out there ready to go to third base to us little tournament. We’re like no, I love getting to know your lips. So sad. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  32:53  

yeah. And I love how you keep

 

Damona  32:54  

reiterating what it is that you like and even when you are giving a credit direction or a reset of the energy. It’s still with a reminder that you like where you are what

 

Unknown Speaker  33:08  

if you just

 

Unknown Speaker  33:10  

don’t you’re not feeling it at all and you need to send a very Okay,

 

Unknown Speaker  33:13  

great distinction so I think if you’re not feeling it you just stop and you say and this happened to me very recently.

 

Unknown Speaker  33:20  

Tell us about it.

 

Unknown Speaker  33:21  

Oh god you guys I’m telling you this is this work is not it’s not like I’m a pro at it I just in the moment sometimes it’s still always a little bit uncomfortable because you feel bad and all those things come up. I’m just telling you ways to do it that are you know, that are a little more that feel good to everybody involved. So I had to say I we were going to make no for round and I thought I’m not feeling this guy anymore. It’s just it. I had already had some hesitations. And I just stopped and I looked him I said, you know, what, can we slow down for a second? And I said, I I gotta tell you, I so love spending time with you. But but but in this moment, right now, I’m feeling like we got to just kind of take a pause. And can we just get up and just kind of go back to my living room. Just kind of chat and then we move down he was it okay. Okay, I said Listen, I’ve just so I have a lot of things happening in my life right now. And this is all true. And I just said I I’m not feeling like I’m in a place to be really physical with you right now but I’ve so enjoyed our time and let’s just do need a glass of water and let’s talk and I was just, I was working through in the moment as well because I’ve learned that if I am not fully on board and my whole body’s out of hell, yes, I can it’s a violation to who I am as a woman as myself. I can’t keep going so I had to say it but I’m saying can be clunky and I feel bad but then I’m he got it though it is it okay. Like I understand you. Let’s talk. I wasn’t saying get the hell out. I wasn’t I was like, let me explain my process. So

 

Unknown Speaker  34:41  

yeah, the other thing that you did

 

Damona  34:42  

that’s really great is you really stayed in the moment like I’m always telling my listeners not to get ahead of themselves, like you weren’t, like, This guy has to get out right now because I don’t know where this is going. You just are like right now this doesn’t feel right to me. And so I’m just going to react to this moment. Exactly, yeah. And that’s a lot of pressure off yourself, right? Because when you’re when you start thinking about, like, what happened before what happened after I mean, that’s another thing like people that have had sex before that realize they don’t want to have sex with someone again, it’s kind of like you were saying earlier, there’s this feeling like, well, if we’ve already had sex, we might as well just have sex again. Now, right, you always have a chance to choose right?

 

Unknown Speaker  35:21  

Every you have a chance to choose in every moment and with every relationship and with every encounter, to be to, to to change your mind. And when we’re present. So what we’re talking about is when we go into an experience like that, where we’re like, I gotta get out, we go into fight or flight. And we go into the future in the past. We don’t make great decisions for ourselves. So to say, we’ll say like, go back to right now in this moment, I am not feeling it. We have totally we have agency over that and you don’t owe anybody anything. You don’t owe anybody another kiss, another sex another date, like really don’t and I think that is women. This is just like we’re breaking, you know, so many years of this stigma and this feeling that women just have to and we owe it to men, and we just don’t We don’t, and we could take care of ourselves and it’s our bodies, our choices, and all those things are really real. And I think the more that we do that in every situation, we’re going to be just so much, so much better set up for our relationship that we can teach our daughters or nieces or the women in our life. How to do that as well.

 

Unknown Speaker  36:17  

Yeah, paradigm. It is. Thank you for reiterating that. Okay, I want to go back, you said that you had some tips in case you you need to give someone some

 

Unknown Speaker  36:32  

constructive criticism. Yes. How do we do that?

 

Unknown Speaker  36:36  

Okay, I love the compliment sandwich. So, do you want to give me an example of something you might want to correct? It can be from your life damona or anywhere else? Like what would be something that you might want to give feedback or that you’ve heard from your listeners? Oh, I don’t like the way.

 

Damona  36:50  

Is there anything? Actually I did get a DM when I was asking for questions about a woman who said she has trouble climaxing during oral sex

 

Unknown Speaker  37:01  

with boyfriend. All right. So that is such a common a common thing. So I, so well that’s, that’s interesting because so what she might be saying is,

 

Unknown Speaker  37:12  

Okay, here we go. So she’d say babe, sweetie, okay, here’s my first step

 

Unknown Speaker  37:17  

outside the bedroom. Number one, you do not have the conversations about what you’d like to change, or giving feedback to your partner in the bedroom after a sex act. Because we’re in a heightened state of arousal. Maybe we’ve just we’re connected where I like the bedrooms. I like that for sleeping and for sex. But when we’re gonna have a conversation about our sex life, do it when you are in an environment where you’re kind of chilling, you keep it light, maybe you’ve just had a drink, you’re at dinner, you’re going for a walk. I love walking and having conversations on a road trip because these conversations can be so awkward and uncomfortable at first. You don’t have to make eye contact if you’re driving your car like okay, babe, I think we should talk about our sex like that. That concept

 

Unknown Speaker  38:01  

is the environment for any conflict IV.

 

Unknown Speaker  38:04  

any conflict, get in the car time to walk the dog with you again. So then so then you say okay, so I realized that I want to talk to you about I’ve been thinking about our sex life. This is the compliment sandwich. And, and you start with something you love. I think that it’s been lately the way you’ve been. The way it’s been a lot slower lately. And I love the way you’ve been like making out and that thing you did with your tongue and my on my neck or my ear felt so good. Like, I feel like we’ve really been, you know, connecting lately in that way. And I realized that when you go down on me it is so it’s like my favorite thing. It’s so hot. I get really aroused. And lately I haven’t been able to orgasm. I was thinking that perhaps if we took a little bit more time with it, and I could have a few more. You know, sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like I’m taking too much time. And I feel like if we He just kind of settle in, I knew that you were kind of into it as well that I would definitely have the most explosive orgasms, and then the last piece of the bread would be, and I know that when I’m really turned on and having orgasms, it just makes me want to have sex every day. He

 

Unknown Speaker  39:15  

want and that’s what he wants. He never wants

 

Unknown Speaker  39:18  

  1. So I mean, that was a lot. You know, that was. That was I was also answering the A common question that women have about why can I orgasm during oral sex? And typically, it’s because women are, well, we can sum up the compliment sandwich first and I’ll get into oral like, but typically you want to be very positive. You want to stay curious. You don’t want to be accusatory or blame I’ve told you so many times to go down. I mean more, why doesn’t this happen? Because the second you do that they’re just out the door. So really, it’s just here’s what I love. Here’s why this would be great in a suggestion and then ending with like, the reason why it’s great for both of you is my best tip.

 

Damona  39:53  

I love that. I love the compliment sandwich. I have so many questions Emily. I would love to just keep on talking You feel like questions, but so many people have submitted their questions. So I’m gonna roll on into our next segment. Do you have questions and Emily and I have answers. So now it’s time for your favorite segment. And I just want to remind everybody, these are going to be a little bit more R rated than usual. But Emily, I’m sure these are no biggie for you. You got it? Yeah, no questions like this all the time. Our first one comes to us from Katie from Canada. She says, My husband needs a few days between sex sessions, or he can’t get hard. Is this normal? And just to give you a little bit more background, because I followed up with her She said she’s 31 He’s 37. She’s never noticed the refractory time before, but since the quarantine she’s noticed that if she tries to initiate again that day or days following it doesn’t lead anywhere or he’s not able to and that feels like a long time.

 

Unknown Speaker  41:00  

Okay, got it? That’s that’s a great question. And I love that she gave me his age because when people email me their questions, it’s really important to people’s age and to know where they’re at So, so, if you’re 37 if he’s 37 so here’s what I think the refractory time for men meaning the time it takes for them to be able to have sex again after they ejaculate. You know, when you’re younger men can kind of keep going. And when they get a little bit older, it can be challenging, but 37 is still young, typically, men start to see challenges around erections. And around in their 40s is when there’s a drop in testosterone. And so what I would think what my first hit from this is that what the first thing is, it could be medical, it could be testosterone drop, it could be if he’s taking any medications, the first thing to look at is as you change anything at all, is he drinking more? Is he on a medication, there’s a lot of medications that actually impact our ability to get to have an erection to have an orgasm. So that’s what we got to look at a lot anything medical, and then we take away all of that. Listen We are in a time of tremendous stress and anxiety, which already before quarantine is the number one killer of our sex drive. When we are stressed, and we are anxious, especially men, I find this in men more than women, when men are concerned about money, their job, something happening, their ability to be in the masculine and take care of the family like that really has an impact on their desire. And so I don’t know that you should be concerned. But I think that maybe I would tell Katie to go a little bit deeper. And just like how I said, to have the conversation about sex in a neutral environment, the same thing goes for this kind of thing. Just say, I’ve been thinking about you. And I know you said it’s gonna take a few days is it you know, tell me about how you feel? Is there anything we could do? You’re doing in a way to help that like, I can’t believe it, you’re not getting turned on because a lot of times what women we do is we think oh, he’s not attracted to me anymore. Something’s wrong with me. Or, you know, and just being like, supportive and saying like, well, let’s take a look at it. Let’s take a look at like your medication, or do you think it could be something stressful Something I could do to help you more like relax right now because a couple days is a long time, like in the sense of like, I’m sure he could still get turned on but I feel like there he might just have other things on his mind right now is what is what I’m thinking. Yeah,

 

Damona  43:14  

I’ve been hearing that couples in quarantine together are actually having more sex right now. So I wonder also if she’s been like, does this

 

Unknown Speaker  43:23  

I don’t know that you’re hearing everything Okay, so I’m hearing that there’s some couples who are like, Oh my god, it’s so great. We’re both home now. I’m not traveling as much for work and we’re just having this time that we’ve always craved. other couples are like, I’m going to there’s nothing sexy about living in this one bedroom apartment and I’ll be doing and staring each other and that is not hot. Because something about you becoming one of candles eroticism when you don’t have the surprise and the mystery in the spotlight at all that is just washed away with this quarantine. So I actually, I don’t want to put any more pressure on everyone. Like I think it’s different across the board. But but maybe Yeah, maybe Katie’s feeling like she wants it more because maybe he’s been away a lot now. Homework. And maybe he’s trying to figure out how to work at home. And how do I make sense of this all. And he’s just really stressed and is more distracted right now. And so maybe creating a space for them and their relationship where they can separate from work and creating a time where they’re scheduling sex, which is one of my best tips for couples always and right now to say, I know that we’re having sex these three days this week, so you’re not one of you isn’t feeling like you’re always rejecting their partner, or someone wants it more than the other. But when you can plan it, and you know, like sex is happening eight o’clock on Saturday, you can kind of start to look forward to it. You can get ready, you can shower, you can shave what you can like, talk about the things you want to do. And then that becomes your activity that you’re both going to share and it works better for for both usually.

 

Damona  44:43  

Yeah, and what else do we have to do right now? Exactly right. I’m all about the date night so I had to make a date night appointment with my husband like after the kids go to bed. Saturday night, your mind. Now he knows this. He knows what’s coming. Okay. We talked about women and oral sex but from the other side This question comes to us from Ashley on Instagram. She says, My boyfriend can’t climax from a blow job trying to deal with my ego thinking it’s just me any tips?

 

Unknown Speaker  45:17  

Great question, Ashley. I hear this all the time. First off, it is not you I wish I could just talk to the collective conscious of women and be like most of the things that are happening with your boyfriend’s your partner’s penis has nothing to do with you. It’s very common that men cannot orgasm from blowjob and and so it could be a lot of reasons it could be the way he masturbates. It could be the way he’s holding his penis. It could be because he’s watching a lot of porn. And it is harder for him to masturbate with with a mouse there is. Now also I want to say yeah, maybe there’s something else that he wants sexually. And you’re allowed to say to him God, I really love performing oral on you. I’d love to know your best tips of how I can make it the best blow job ever. But I wouldn’t ask him in the moment, I would say I’m going to or I would say I want to start asking your next time when you show me what you love because I want to be your best ever. You could do that as well, Ashley but there are I’m hearing this more and more lately that there’s just a lot of men who just aren’t orgasming from blowjobs and I just I’ve always heard it but something lately and I have a hunch it has to do with porn. Because I believe that men are watching so much that’s a whole nother show. We could do more and watching But yeah, I do believe that I’m not like anti porn by any means I get that it serves its purpose. But when we have one way of holding ourselves and one way of generating pleasing ourselves, it can be challenging to bring anyone else into the mix even if she’s like a you know, expert porn star, whatever like doesn’t for a living, it can still be challenging. So best take your ego out of it and just get some healthy communication with your partner.

 

Unknown Speaker  46:53  

That’s great advice, Emily.

 

Damona  46:55  

Okay, this one is another Instagram question from Shannon. She says, what does it mean when your new boyfriend goes limp when you get on top of them? He says he’s had this problem in his last relationships, too. He can function in other positions, but he climaxes quickly.

 

Unknown Speaker  47:15  

Okay, Shannon, this is a great question too. It’s like, I wish we knew her age, but I’m telling you, it sounds like she might be a little bit. I don’t know, younger. I don’t know why I have this sense. But I feel that men have penis challenges, trust him that he has that trust that it’s happened in his past relationship.

 

Unknown Speaker  47:33  

And

 

Unknown Speaker  47:36  

when you get on top of him,

 

Unknown Speaker  47:40  

I mean, okay, so most of the challenges that men face with their penis have to do with anxiety and has to do with things that have happened in a situation that’s happened in the past. And all men want to do is perform. They want to be great lovers. They want to stay at heart and they want to keep going. But sometimes if things have happened in the past, it even only takes one time. We’re like, Oh, no, I’m going to get soft and this isn’t, you know, this, this, this keeps happening over and over again. And then they are they’re reinforcing it and their behavior. It’s a what it means is I think again, you have to kind of understand what kind of like what positions, he functions in other positions, but he climaxes quickly does he climax. So what I’m hearing then is that in every position, he climax quickly, but then when you get on top, he gets soft. So it’s just it’s almost like you’re having, these are challenges that you’re having. And

 

Unknown Speaker  48:33  

yeah, and that’s her favorite position. She was saying that’s the that’s the position that she can come in most easily. But he can’t perform in that can perform that

 

Unknown Speaker  48:44  

way. Well, here’s the other thing I want to say is what I believe that if he gets limp, he can probably he can get harder again. So what we have to do when our partners get limp is not freaked out and not ended just because they’re like, Oh my god, I can’t believe it. You could be like it’s okay baby and then you could go down And again, you can start to touch him, you can use some lube, you can like, get him hard again, because just because he got soft, doesn’t mean that it can’t come back and again in a moment, but it’s the both of you that collective, he’s going, I didn’t say that often you’re like, he’s not hard, and then it becomes a thing, but just be like, it’s okay, babe. And then you could kind of work around, make out again, do some other things. And I guarantee you, he’s going to get hard again. I mean, I’ll come back. And that’s a training thing, and then you get back on top of them. And then if it happens, again, you go back down again. And I think once you both realize that he can get hard again, it’s gonna be able to come back. This is what I’ve experienced with with people, it’s just a matter of retraining, what what means sex is over what means you know what I mean? So I think baby does have experience with that position. And he really think the reason why he’s getting soft is because I think he probably really wants to be there and deliver and he just can’t. So it’s kind of retraining. It’s almost like creating new neural pathways in the brain. That’s what it’s about.

 

Damona  49:56  

Knowing Yes, well, and it sounds like this relationship is knew, but I often hear from people in long term relationships that they want to try new things or they get to this Roadblock, and they don’t really know how to take things in a different direction. What do you say to that?

 

Unknown Speaker  50:15  

Oh, it’s it’s a great question because that is so common that couples are like, what what do we do? What where do we go? We’ve got

 

Damona  50:19  

our friend Emily.

 

Unknown Speaker  50:21  

Exactly. I was gonna say, Come on, girl. It’s okay. But the first thing is, is communicating about it and saying what? I think we can both agree that we want to be the greatest lovers to each other ever. And I love all these things about relationship but there’s I feel like there’s so much more that we don’t even know we’ve been together so long would you can we can we make this our thing right now? Can we figure out what would be super hot for both of us? And a great place to start is you each talk about maybe you will share the most memorable time you’ve had sex like what is the top three moments for you? Like it could be like something that happened or position or glance or a look? And then just by you explaining that And then your partner coming back to you and saying his times, there’s so much detail. There’s so much information just in those moments like, like, the most memorable time could be, you know, when you guys were on vacation, and oftentimes on vacation because there’s no distractions, and maybe you were in a hotel room, and then all of a sudden, like someone else walked in and saw you. And then you’re like, Okay, well, there was no distractions, the window was open, and then someone else walked in. So there was like, the element of surprise, or maybe voyeurism. Or maybe it was it was going really slow. And he was slowly it was the way that he slowly addressed you. Or maybe you had a blindfold on. I mean, there’s intelligence in these in these moments. So I think once we find out these are the things that that worked, and why you like them, and then your partner would share the same things and you can say, Okay, well, let’s do more of that. So that’s a great place to start. Another thing is just to get smart together and a lot of couples Listen, I’ve found over the years I’ve been doing this for 15 years. The podcasts a lot of couples listen together to my show. And they’re like, Oh, well Emily says this and, you know, use me like, I don’t care if people blame me and they’re like, well, like you can stop and be like, what do you think about us trying watching porn together or buying some sex toys together? That is mostly what we’re missing. It’s not that we don’t love our partner, but we’re missing novelty. We’re missing something new and different. So it’s like toys, getting ideas, research, reading a book together, listening to my show, just finding new ways to connect. You know, it could just be even outside the bedroom, like our same bedroom over day over day can get boring. Everything does after a while,

 

Damona  52:36  

especially sex. Thank you for those tips. I’ll be sure to pass them on to my friend. This was awesome. Thank you so much for joining me Emily. I’m so glad to have you on dates and maybe

 

Unknown Speaker  52:47  

you for having me. I’m so honored. And

 

Damona  52:52  

y’all you got to get listening to the sex with Emily podcast or check her out on Sirius XM stars channel 109. She’s on every day. You can find her on your favorite podcast platform. And hey, like she said, you can use the podcast as a jumping off point for your next sex talk. Thanks so much for being here.

 

Unknown Speaker  53:11  

Thank you for having me.

 

Damona  53:13  

We have made it through Episode 308 of dates and mates. I actually did an interview on Emily’s podcast too, and I’ll put a link in the show notes or you can join Patreon, where I’m adding the cliffsnotes versions of all of my media interviews and podcasts that I’ve appeared on. I’ll bullet out everything you need to know so you can follow along and soak up the most important info. But that’s not everything you would get from being in my patreon Friends with Benefits Program. I also have a step by step video training on how to start online dating today. Plus in a few days on Wednesday, the sixth of May, I’ll be dropping a new video training on how to tell if someone is good match for you on Tinder. Just using Facial analysis techniques work. Yes, watch the mind of some of our listeners being blown as they experience the brilliance of a live facial analysis by Susan. I bet, y’all Honestly, this is like a game changer info. It’s all going down in the Patreon. You can get all of these resources for you starting at just five bucks a month@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. I’d love to have you join the community. In the meantime, please, let’s let’s connect. I’m on all the socials at damona Hoffman. And I love hearing from you all all of these questions that we’ve been getting are so rich and layered. And I know that there are a lot of you nodding your head to these questions going, Oh, that’s a problem for me too. And if you’re thinking that then I want to hear what your question is, because I guarantee you it’s going to help somebody else who is listening to the show. Don’t forget to share, share what you’ve learned, share this episode and Please join me again next week all my subscribers get the episodes the minute that they post until next week.

 

Unknown Speaker  55:06  

I wish you comfortable face masks and happy dating

Intimacy & New Dating Norms

A DEFINITIVE TIMELINE FOR ALL THE SEXY THINGS

Almost every week, Dates & Mates Podcast listeners and clients ask the same question on intimacy: when should we go all the way?

Enter one of the top experts in dating and sex: Dr. Emily Morse of the Sex with Emily Podcast!! She joins Damona on this week’s episode to get clear ONCE AND FOR ALL on the intimacy timeline.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

 

DATING DISH (3:01)

Will dating be forever changed by COVID-19?

Pandemic shutdowns have thrown a curve-ball at dating and relationships. What are the repercussions to this? To name a few: anxiety over a ticking biological clock, a change in the intimacy timeline, and better dating for introverts. It’s not all bad. Damona breaks it down.

Is Will and Jada’s relationship in trouble?

On a recent episode of Red Table Talk, Jada Pinkett Smith reveals that she doesn’t really even know Will Smith anymore. What does this mean for their relationship?

The safest places to get your freak on during the pandemic shutdown

You may have heard that Zoom is monitoring closely to shut down virtual sex. Bummer right? Well if you’re into it, Adult Friend Finder has released the very first virtual orgy platform: Virgy. Damona has thoughts.

 

ARE YOU READY TO GO ALL THE WAY? (16:00)

One of the biggest issues in dating and relationships is intimacy.  Whether you are trying to find love virtually right now and you’re not getting enough of it, or you’re quarantined with your loved one and you’re getting too much of it, everyone’s kind of struggling. 

As always, but especially In this crazy COVID world, intimacy and sex are part of healthy relationships. But we’re not always clear on how to build and maintain intimacy in a healthy way.

So today, we get clear once and for all on the “intimacy timeline” with one of the top experts in the field: Dr. Emily Morse of the Sex with Emily Podcast.

We’ve listened to her show for years and now we’re delighted to welcome her to Dates & Mates. We talk:

  • The Four Stages of Intimacy
    • The Infatuation Phases and “Honeymoon Period”
    • Conflict and the power struggle
    • True Intimacy and Unconditional Support
  • Why there’s no such thing as “Love At First Sight”
  • When to take some time to reevaluate what the next step is
  • Therapy For Intimacy?
  • The timeline depends on how much you grow as a person independently
  • Only 5% of couples get to the final stage of unconditional support
  • And so much more!

If you want more Emily, check out her podcast and other content at SexWithEmily.Com

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Tweet from Katie: My husband needs a few days between sex sessions or he can’t get hard. Is this normal? She’s 31, he’s 37. She says she’s never noticed the refractory time before but with the quarantine, I’ve noticed that if I try to initiate again that day or days following it doesn’t lead anywhere and he’s not able to. Should I be concerned? A couple of days seems like quite a long time.
  • Ashlee from Twitter: My boyfriend can’t climax from a BJ. Trying to deal with my ego thinking it’s just me. Tips?
  • IG: What does it mean when your new boyfriend goes limp when you get on top of him? He says he had this problem in his last relationship too. He can function in other positions but he climaxes quickly.

 

 

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

 

 

 

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.

Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for: 

  • an opportunity to work with Damona directly
  • to get quality advice that is tailored to your dating challenges
  • and to become part of a community that will help you find the healthiest, most loving relationships this year

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, welcome to Dates & Mates!

 

Damona  0:21  

one of the biggest issues in dating and relationships is intimacy. Whether you’re trying to find love virtually right now and you’re not getting enough of it, or you’re quarantine with your loved one, and maybe you’re getting too much of it. We are all struggling right now, as always, but especially in this crazy COVID world. intimacy and sex are a part of healthy relationships. But we’re not always clear on how to build and maintain intimacy in a healthy way.

 

Unknown Speaker  0:51  

So today,

 

Damona  0:52  

we are once and for all going to get clear on the intimacy timeline with one of the top experts in this field. Dr. Emily Morse of the sex with Emily podcast. I’ve listened to her show for years and now I’m delighted to welcome her finally to dates and mates. But before you get all hot and bothered, we have headlines including will dating be forever changed by COVID-19? And could jayda and Will’s relationship be in trouble plus the safest places to get your free guide on during the pandemic shutdown? And then in technically dating Emily and I will answer your questions like what to do if you and your partner have different sexual needs and how to deal with insecurities in the bedroom. All that and more on today’s very hot dates and maids This one is definitely not one to listen to in the room with the kiddos. Explicit warning, I’m saying it now it’s going to be hot but you’re going to want to hear everything that Emily and I talked about. You ready For the dates in mates,

 

Unknown Speaker  2:02  

let’s dish these dating dish.

 

Damona  2:07  

According to time dating will be permanently changed by COVID-19. A lot of people have been asking my opinion on this from NPR, you may have heard me do a couple of segments in the last few weeks. You may have read in my new column in the LA Times about this. There are a lot of people speculating about what this will mean for intimacy. So let me just take a snapshot of where I think we are right now. And I can make a guess about where I think it will go. And I’ll also tell you what some of the other experts that time interviewed said, and you can make your own determination about what you think will happen when quarantine opens up and people are able to return to some sense of normalcy. So now we’re in this place where just speaking of dating specifically, people are unable to meet face to face. So I’m hearing a couple of different things I’m hearing there are a lot of people that are really excited by the ability to make new connections without all that pressure. So many of my listeners have been timid about online dating. Well, you know, I’ve always been very bullish about it. But part of the reason is that, that awkwardness of moving offline and into the real world so it’s allowed a lot of new people to step into the space and play in the dating space and the chat space in the flirtation space and see if this could be a good avenue for them to date. So I think dating apps will continue to be on the rise. They’ve already all said that they are having a huge increase in new users and new chats, but we don’t we don’t know what that will look like when there are other avenues available for dating but I do believe it will consistently be up. Now people are having to do virtual dates, and be really clever with quarantine dates and what I love about This is that it’s causing people to be a little more mindful to slow down and also to be more creative and really get to know one another people have been obsessed we talked about love is blind on the show a few weeks ago, people have been obsessed with this idea of finding love without the confusion, I guess of what someone looks like and, and the visual seeing them face to face. But we all know like not every couple made it on love is blind. I’m not saying any spoilers or anything, but not every couple makes it. And so there’s this almost fantasy playing out where people are thinking that this is going to be the answer to unlock all of these problems in dating, that dating timelines are going to slow which you’ve heard me say on the show before and that people are going to become more mindful of who they’re having sex with the thought we talked about the other Netflix show too hot to handle recently. As well, what I think is really going to happen is that it’s, it’s we’re going to return to how it was before but we are going to have new filters in place. Like being able to do that video chat and having it not be weird. I that’s the biggest thing that I think will come away from COVID-19. With as far as dating is concerned, a lot of things that we once thought were weird, are no longer going to be weird video chat dating is not going to be weird. calling someone on the phone who you’ve never met is no longer going to be weird. It’s going to be normal again, like it once was. So I think this is a really great time, but we’re going to go through a little bit of an ebb and flow. They interviewed one of my favorite experts for this time magazine article, Helen Fisher, and she is a she’s a social scientist. She works at the Kinsey Institute. She’s studied the brain on love, and she says that thirst and hunger are not going to do And therefore, neither are the feelings of love and attachment that allow you to pass your DNA on to the next generation. So that’s what we have to remember. Like, I can get all intellectual about dating and dating plans and processes. But when it comes down to it, that drive for procreation and that drive for connection is the strongest thing in the world. That is, that is what drives everything, because we are wired to keep the human race going. And that is not going away just because of COVID-19. So there’s a lot of talk of people abstaining from sex, there was this government. I think it was a New York City slogan about you are your own safest sex partner right now, which is true and which has always been true, but people aren’t just going to forget about having sex or having connection because we had COVID-19. I think what we’re going to see if I can predict for a moment is that once the restrictions are lifted, There are going to be a couple of weird moments, like a first dance at prom, where people are like, I don’t want to be the first one to get out there and hit the dance floor like I don’t want to look weird or be the first one to make a fool of myself. So people are a little shy to enter the dance floor. And then a couple of brave people jump in, and everybody’s like, oh, there, you look cool, that looks fine. I want to do that too. And then everybody is on the dance floor, and then all of a sudden, the dance floor is gonna get really crowded. And people are going to realize that there is a risk right now in dating and making connections with people in holding hands kissing, touching other things that we’ll talk about later in the show. And I think there’s going to be a little bit of a balancing and a retraction where people are going to slow down again, and that’s where I hope we will land in this sweet spot of love and relationships. So check out this article. I’ll put it in the show notes. There was also a mention of really interesting experiment that they’re doing at you Pan. That’s sort of a love Love is blind inspired experiment where they’re trying to help people fall in love over email. During quarantine. I can’t wait to see what the results of that study are. I’m sure we will cover it on dates and mates but it is making me believe in love again. You know one couple that is love goals for life. Everybody has known of the romance between Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. And we all look to them. We see red Table Talk and we see them out together and we’re like, they’re the perfect couple. They’ve got it all. They’ve got it all. But on read Table Talk recently jayda revealed that being in quarantine has made her realize that she and will don’t really know each other anymore. They’ve grown apart to some extent and they’ve been together over 20 years. And there is this lull in the relationship where you start to almost take your partner for granted and then you look at them and you think oh How could you take your partner for granted? This is Will Smith or how could you take jayda Pinkett Smith they’re both so amazing in their own right. But I love in the show how real jayda makes the issues that she’s going through and how grounded they are to make you realize that even though we idealize their relationship, and she is saying she was even idealizing, who her partner was, we can learn so much by hearing her honest take on what’s going on. And she’s saying that in this time, it’s also an opportunity. If you’re in a relationship right now, it’s an opportunity to get to know your partner again, on a deeper level. I’ve been doing like 20 questions and playing all these fun games with my husband, and really getting to see a different side of him. I don’t feel like it’s quite at the level of what Jayla said like I don’t know him at all. But I do feel like I have learned things that maybe if we hadn’t had that time to really slow down and really bond together that I may not have taken the time to stop and ask some of these questions that I’ve had answered. So this is a great reminder for us to not be complacent in marriage or in relationships and to always try to find that spark and that ability to be curious. You know, I’m always talking about that with dating, right. Be curious about your partner. And I think that is the silver lining on all of this, not just for jayda and will but for us as well.

 

Turns out, a lot of people may not be satisfied in their relationships right now because according to adult friend finder, they are seeing a big surge in new users. And this is a casual dating and camping site. So actually all of the so called cheating sites are seeing a big surge and That’s a lot of people trying to escape the reality like it’s intense in there. It’s intense when you are 24 seven with somebody that you, you maybe you really have strong feelings for them or maybe you have been growing apart for a while. And this intensity is just the thing to drive the wedge between you and where you’re seeking, seeking fulfillment from other sources. But here’s the thing on Adult friend finder, they also are helping people move into like virtual sec situations. And they had to launch a new platform called Virgie. I didn’t make it that name, y’all. It’s a platform that provides a safe environment for people looking to explore orgies during COVID-19. So some of these people may be in relationships. Some may be single, but a lot of these common video chat sites that We use like zoom, did you know this, like you cannot have relations on zoom, and not that they’re peeking in on everybody’s video chats, but there is an element of them monitoring what’s happening. And so these virtual sex parties could no longer happen on zoom, and they had to find another avenue for allowing the people that come to their site to be able to do the things that they want to do. So this is just to remind you that there’s something out there for everyone and whatever your need is right now, whether it’s an emotional or an intimate need or simply a sexual need. There’s no shame in the game y’all. You can find what you’re looking for. Online. The Google machine has made anything that you want possible and animation to you at the click of a button. So I encourage you to go out there and find what you’re looking for speaking of finding what you’re looking for getting your needs met, and let’s face it speaking of sex, we have a very hot guest for you today. As I mentioned at the top of the show, one of my inspirations Dr. Emily Morse will be joining me in just a moment, she’s going to tell us everything we need to know about building intimacy from first time sex and consent, all the way to reigniting the passion in a long term relationship. So if you’ve ever asked after what date Should I sleep with him? Does this sex mean the same thing to her as it means to me? am I even doing this right? Then this is the episode for you don’t go anywhere. Dr. Emily Morris is coming up in just

 

Unknown Speaker  13:49  

a moment.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:57  

We are back and I am here

 

Damona  13:59  

with the One and only Dr. Emily Morris. She has a PhD of human sexuality and she is the powerhouse behind one of my favorite podcasts sex with Emily. Please, please, please put your lips together give big smooches to Dr. Emily Morris. Hello.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:19  

Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be here.

 

Damona  14:22  

I am so glad to have you here. People have questions and like, I can only take them so far. But you can take them all the way. Emily, wave ready to go. And I will just talk first about your mission with sex with Emily. You talk about make wanting to make sex. Easy to talk about and yeah, so it’s so listable and like topics that a lot of people are sort of

 

Unknown Speaker  14:45  

sensitive about

 

Damona  14:47  

you make it just you just bring down the walls and make it so simple.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:51  

Exactly. I mean, that’s my main mission is because most of us are not comfortable talking about sex because we don’t have any great models for it. Our parents weren’t Talking about it most likely our friends weren’t talking about it. We have a lot of shame around it. We think love is good girls don’t talk about sex and and you know, then what is it? What What message Am I sending if I talk about sex, so there’s just, there’s just a way that I want people to feel more, you know,

 

Damona  15:18  

take away the shame and the and the stigma around it and just make it comfortable. Because really, when we’re sexually healthy, we’re healthy overall, it contributes to a healthy lifestyle overall. So I just try to get people to understand that that’s, it’s something that we need to do to have an overall healthy life get comfortable talking about sex, and then that actually improves our sex life. Absolutely. And so many of our listeners realize that it’s an important part of a relationship and many of them are single right now and wishing for that right relationship. So I want to talk a little bit about building intimacy through the different phases. Let’s begin at the beginning with the people that are just starting like let’s say COVID aside, quarantine aside, they are just beginning new relationships and beginning to be intimate one.

 

Unknown Speaker  16:04  

So this there are actually like for some say it’s five, there’s about four stages of intimacy that we talked about in relationships. And the first one is the infatuation phase. This is the honeymoon phase, the phase that we all crave. And we want to we always, are always trying to get back to this phase. And this is when we first meet someone and we just think, Wow, this person is so perfect for me. everything lines up. It’s like, like, we’re so alike. It’s sort of the infatuation stage and the kind of the diffusion stage. And it’s sort of like and there’s also a powerful like, neurochemical thing going on in our brains where we feel like a kind of altered state of consciousness going on. And it’s sort of like they look at the brainwave patterns of, of people like falling in love, and they’re like, God, it looks like either they’re in love or they do some kind of drugs because it’s very similar, right? It’s a very similar pairing, and there’s a good feeling of euphoria and connection. So that’s like the first stage that we just were like, wow, we are so fused. Everything is just this person is my everything.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:07  

Yeah.

 

Damona  17:08  

So then we move past that because I’ve had like, they’re my listeners are tired of me saying this so much, but there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Like there’s lust at first sight.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:18  

I say that too. I’m like you not love it is lost and that is totally fine. Lust happens, but you are not in love.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:27  

Okay, so how, how can we move on to love what’s the next stage they might Okay,

 

Unknown Speaker  17:32  

the next stage is the conflict and the power struggle.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:36  

This is when you have your first fight.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:39  

This is when you think, oh, like how do I differentiate myself from my partner? Like, maybe we’re not so much alike. You know, we struggle to exert like our individuality in a relationship. And there’s like conflict and you’re like, how can there be conflict in paradise? I didn’t realize, but that is the second stage. And that’s kind of where You know, people kind of last through this stage because some do. But the third stage, if you want me to skip to that that’s adjustment we call the adjustment and consolidation. And that’s where couples end up. This is where couples end the relationship. This is where divorce happens. This is where drugs addictions happen, people start drinking more. And a lot of people don’t get through these stages, it becomes a lot uglier. In this stage. We think Oh, wow. Like I remember the first stage. We’re like, Oh, my God, we are so perfect together. Everything’s amazing. And this is the stage where we’re like, there’s nothing we are nothing alike. And what am I going to do with each other?

 

Damona  18:34  

I’m sure a lot of people are feeling that right now.

 

Unknown Speaker  18:36  

Exactly, exactly. If this is the stage, we crave to get back to stage one. But I think a lot of people are in this stage right now. They might never have seen themselves going into this stage but because maybe we’re quarantined with somebody, and there’s so much strife and there’s we don’t have the conflict resolution skills to get us past the stages is is really where people are, are stuck right? And so I urge people to, you know, to kind of take a beat and realize that we’ve never been in this place before. And there’s like a, there’s an anxiety level that’s like in the ether in the universe right now we’re sort of all experiencing it from every angle, at work and at home and just the consciousness of everyone is sort of a heightened state of unknown anxiety, confusion. And then you put on top of that the person that has to be your most comfort in your joy. Now they’re giving you some strife, it feels like so I just, I mean, I recommend people reaching out and using their resources. I’m a huge fan of therapy. And I think that right now, there’s a lot of therapists I’d say the majority of them are offering online therapy and online coaching right now. And just know that it’s okay. You don’t have to solve it on your own because it’s this kind of language and dialogue that you have with your partner that’s gotten you here. So you’re going to need someone else you’re going to need some more tools from the outside to help you and it’s totally okay. Just like we hire a coach for work, a business coach, a trainer to get in shape a nutritionist, you might need one for your relationship right now. Absolutely. I totally believe in that if you’re single, like, same thing, we agree on the right therapy right now. Right?

 

Damona  20:14  

Right. So what’s on the other side of that Emily? solve the conflicts. Right.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:18  

Okay. So, um, the conflict, right? And, and when you get to this is the stage where this is the maturation stage where you mature, you have learned to differentiate, and this is true intimacy, like you’ve worked through your deepest wounds, you have really figured out, you know, who you are, you’ve gone to the dark places of intimacy as you shared it with your partner. And this is the stage where you say, Wow, we are nothing alike. And that’s beautiful. We are nothing alike. And that’s why we work because we support each other. We come together with these beautiful skills. And we’ve, we’ve, we’ve matured together, we’ve grown it and again, this doesn’t mean that you’ve been together 25 years. This could happen quickly. I mean, this can happen over a year this year. You know, it typically won’t happen in less than a year. But it depends how much work you’ve done individually coming together as well. The comments have you grown? How much have you looked at your past? wounds your childhood, your past relationships? have you dealt with abuse and trauma and anger? And, you know, there’s always work to do, but how much and how much are you both willing to work? Like, sometimes there’s one person who, who’s so into growth mindset and growing together and there’s someone’s like, no, we’re fine. I everything I’ve done is fine. I need to work and grow. I’m really good here. And that’s, that’s tough. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  21:34  

one person wants to grow and another person does not.

 

Damona  21:37  

Yeah, absolutely. You both have to be on the same page. And it’s also I would, I would add into the mix, you have to also be able to trust one another. And that’s, and I know that’s an element of all the work that you do, like if you are going to be intimate with someone whether it’s emotionally intimate or sexually intimate. There’s a level of trust you have to build when you say

 

Unknown Speaker  21:57  

absolutely, I mean, that’s the other thing is that you’ve built trust. See, I just kind of ran through those like quickly, but it’s like you. Yes, I mean trust is. Trust is something that you when you have it you have in your relationship and you don’t really think about it because it’s there. But once trust is broken in a relationship, it can be really difficult to heal, especially on your own. And the couples who like I hear from couples all the time, who say or it’s one person who says, well, but partner cheated on me and it’s been rough ever since. But I should be over it already. Or then the or the person who did the cheating says to me, why isn’t my partner over? And it’s like, well, what work have you done? Just saying I’m sorry, doesn’t gonna do it, or just because years or has passed, those wounds are still there. So you have to sort of rebuild, but you have to do that together. And again, I believe that can best be done in therapy. And it’s very hard to rebuild trust on your own. But yeah, trust is huge. That’s a big part of intimacy is couples like, like having trust, having integrity in the relationship. You know, broke broke through. It’s messy. They broken things down. They’ve rebuilt them. And they’ve they’ve stayed together and, and only like they say like only 5% of couples get to that that last stage of intimacy that really get there and really do it. Yeah. I mean,

 

Unknown Speaker  23:11  

I’m hoping I’m their girl.

 

Damona  23:14  

Living the dream, living the dream, but like, I want to go back for the listeners that are still single. When you’re building trust with someone new, that’s really, really hard. And a lot of times I get the question about when to be intimate with someone when to have sex. And then how do you even talk like, should you talk about it before you have sex? What’s the a DA, being? Sexy?

 

Unknown Speaker  23:40  

It’s a great question. I mean, I do believe that. That in order for us to be in a sexually healthy relationship with to be if we’re going to be having sex with someone, we have to be comfortable talking about it. The problem is where we’re at today in 2020s, that most people no matter what their age are, their their their backgrounds, their everything. They will not come through with it. We don’t have models. We don’t have people have done it. But I do believe and I do know this, the couples who are the healthiest and have the best sex lives are able to talk about it. And so I think before you talk about your before you have sex somewhat with someone how great to just say like, how important is sex to you in the relationship? You know, what kind of things are you into? I actually you could say I, it’s something that I’ve been on a journey to figuring out or getting comfortable talking about sex. I don’t have a lot of experience with talking about sex, but I know that it’s important. So would you be willing to be a partner that could talk about it with me, we could talk about what we like and what we’re into and what we don’t like or if we’ve never done this a we can figure it out together. But I know that sex is a really important part of a relationship. And I think, yeah, I mean, I think the sooner we talk about it, the better especially after you start having sex with someone. I don’t believe in this. Let’s wait a few months while it’s still really great. Cuz that’s when you should talk about it. Maybe just talk about how great it is or the things that you really liked about it. But it’s fun. Because we’re in relationships, and we’ll talk about like, we go to a movie, and we’ll talk about how much we liked the movie will have gone to dinner and we’ll say like, wasn’t a delicious meal. Well, yeah. didn’t love the appetizers. But I really enjoyed the, the main course. Well, we I don’t know if I’d go back there again. But sex we just like, we have the sex, and then it’s over. And then we don’t ever talk about it. And then no one knows

 

Unknown Speaker  25:20  

how it went.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:23  

Down.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:25  

Like, were we in a different, like, read a different thing here. We read different movies where we had a different,

 

Damona  25:30  

but a lot of times people are in different movies when they’re there.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:33  

They

 

Unknown Speaker  25:35  

thought that’s great. And the other is like, this is terrible. I don’t want to do this again. We’re sex in

 

Unknown Speaker  25:39  

my life. Exactly. So how great to be able to talk about it and a lot of my show. It’s funny. People hear the name sex with me. They think Oh, God, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. And I have to tell you that most of what I talk about is getting people comfortable communicating about it. I always say communication is a lubrication. And the more that we talk about taxi, we get comfortable with sex the much better stuff We’re going to have but it’s just getting to that place of, of breaking down the walls together and saying, like, I know this is awkward, but I really think it’s I know that it’s going to help us. So yeah, kind of talking about what your greatest memories are together, like, give her if it’s new thing, like, let’s talk about what did you like about last night and you don’t have to get into what you didn’t like yet because I have a whole process for that. But maybe to start off by complimenting your parents, and God, I really enjoyed the way you kissed my neck. When you kissed my neck, I felt these things run through my body that I haven’t felt in forever. And just affirming. So they know because maybe there was other things that you didn’t like, the let’s lead with the positive. I think we all like to hear the things that you do well, so that’s kind of like for early stage of relationships. I’ve other practices for the stuff we don’t like but I think just really enforcing reinforcing things that went well is harmful.

 

Damona  26:52  

I want to get into how you talk about this stuff if you don’t like and you have some questions actually in the next segment about that.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:57  

But consent comes up A lot

 

Damona  27:00  

for my listeners that are dating and just beginning to have sex. You know, Emily, I’m just going to ask you, I had a conversation off air with another with a male dating coach. I know. And we were talking about consent, and he was talking about like sexy ways that guys can ask for consent. And then he said, I don’t believe in asking for consent for a kiss. And I was like, Well, now we’re like, separating the process of intimacy. I want to get your take on that.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:30  

Well, I believe that there’s a really I think that in this day and age, there’s that Yeah, ask for consent for case i think i think there’s ways that you could do it. That’s really consensual. That’s really like, consensually, it’s positive. Again, consensual comes off as consensual, not offensive and kind of sexy. So you could just say I

 

Unknown Speaker  27:52  

What about just like, I’d really like to kiss you right now. Yeah, I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. Would you Be open i mean i’m really thinking about I can’t stop thinking about kissing you Would that be okay? How would you feel about that? And like looking at someone in their eyes and saying like,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:10  

like that’s the way it’s not like

 

Unknown Speaker  28:11  

I would you mind if I kissed you right now like it’s all it’s all energy yeah I think saying like you know I would really like to kiss you right now how how does that feel to you it’s just a really honest Looking in their eyes you feel seen and maybe you don’t want to but I’ve had guys say that to me. And even though it was really sweet I’m like, oh God, thank you for letting me know that. I’m not feeling that right now but I so I let’s keep talking I’ll let you know if I if that if my position on that changes. You know,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:42  

I’m glad that you can be so honest about that moment. I think a lot of women feel bad saying no to a case or even saying no to sex.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:54  

You’re such a good point here. Yeah,

 

Damona  28:56  

I hate that. We we don’t even you know, we we’re kind of Meaning that we are supposed to be polite, like, how can we get that kind of

 

Unknown Speaker  29:04  

confidence? Right to Mona like, this is the thing is that people is that. So I’ve talked about this a lot on my show. My show as well is that so many women we just have like we just say yes, because it’s so much easier than saying no, like I always I did a speech once. I was like, how many of you have just had sex? Because it was easier than saying now like, how many of you like given that blow job because you’re like,

 

Unknown Speaker  29:27  

raising my hand.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:29  

Same thing, and it’s like, why is it so hard? And I think it’s because we don’t we’re pleasers. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t want to come off as prude. We don’t want to come off as we don’t want to deal with conflict. And so it’s like, and I love that we’re having this conversation because I think it’s like first off for some women. They’re like, Oh, I can say no, like literally they don’t know they can say no. Well, the person already came to my room. I’ve already invited him to my home or we’re already on a date and they bought me a nice dinner and donate. Oh, oh them. You don’t know what else You don’t owe anybody anything but your real truth and your real honesty said in the most, in the kindest way possible in the most like, me doesn’t have to be kind of someone’s being aggressive. But I would, I would, I’ve learned that there’s nuances that to it, and I think of how to say no. And so. So usually what’s happened perhaps, historically, is that and this is sort of a somatic practice. As a medic therapy practice, I’m a trained somatic sex therapist as well. And what I mean by somatic is, is it being in your body, so embodied and really paying attention to when someone comes towards you, or someone’s touching you? How does it make you feel? And so what happens is so So an example would be, let’s say, someone and we probably had this experience where perhaps they just escalated a little bit too quickly. Like maybe the kiss happened. Like, I’ll give you the example of the kiss I just use so maybe someone tried to kiss me. I just I’ve had guys say, like, should we just kiss right now and get over it? And I’m like, no. No, not right now. But just because I say no doesn’t mean that maybe we truly could revisit this later. Or maybe Okay, so no better example that’s maybe more relatable to people is say you start making out with someone, and it’s getting hot and heavy, and then they start to put their hand on your pants. And it’s not like you wouldn’t want that. Eventually, maybe in an hour, maybe next time I see you, maybe in a month from now. But sometimes the whole it shuts out. We just wanted to what we really wanted that moment was just keep making out. We loved making out with this person. And so so so my experience be getting in touch and feeling like, Oh, I felt me get tense right now I’m not ready for that. And then being able to have the word say, put your hand on their, you know, on their hand and say, I’m not feeling that right now. But I’m really enjoying making out with you. So let’s keep doing that. Or I need to take a beat for a moment. Can we just pause on that for a second? I’m so loved loving getting to know you right now. So that signals to them I’m not saying gay. Go home, get in your car leave my house. I’m saying this is escalating beyond where I want it to go right now. And I’m sort of enjoying the arousal process of getting to know you the kissing. And I think we will often either just think we got to shut it down or we got to keep going. And we don’t realize that there’s a nuance to the process of arousal because most men if we’re talking about heterosexual relationships, for example, men escalate quicker than women. Men get aroused and turned on they have more of a responsive desire they respond to things happening in the moment or women or women are more responsive like we need things to build where men are spontaneous, they get aroused a lot quicker. Women are slow cookers and men are frying pan. So literally in that same moment of making out there ready to go to third base to us little tournament. We’re like no, I love getting to know your lips. So sad. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  32:53  

yeah. And I love how you keep

 

Damona  32:54  

reiterating what it is that you like and even when you are giving a credit direction or a reset of the energy. It’s still with a reminder that you like where you are what

 

Unknown Speaker  33:08  

if you just

 

Unknown Speaker  33:10  

don’t you’re not feeling it at all and you need to send a very Okay,

 

Unknown Speaker  33:13  

great distinction so I think if you’re not feeling it you just stop and you say and this happened to me very recently.

 

Unknown Speaker  33:20  

Tell us about it.

 

Unknown Speaker  33:21  

Oh god you guys I’m telling you this is this work is not it’s not like I’m a pro at it I just in the moment sometimes it’s still always a little bit uncomfortable because you feel bad and all those things come up. I’m just telling you ways to do it that are you know, that are a little more that feel good to everybody involved. So I had to say I we were going to make no for round and I thought I’m not feeling this guy anymore. It’s just it. I had already had some hesitations. And I just stopped and I looked him I said, you know, what, can we slow down for a second? And I said, I I gotta tell you, I so love spending time with you. But but but in this moment, right now, I’m feeling like we got to just kind of take a pause. And can we just get up and just kind of go back to my living room. Just kind of chat and then we move down he was it okay. Okay, I said Listen, I’ve just so I have a lot of things happening in my life right now. And this is all true. And I just said I I’m not feeling like I’m in a place to be really physical with you right now but I’ve so enjoyed our time and let’s just do need a glass of water and let’s talk and I was just, I was working through in the moment as well because I’ve learned that if I am not fully on board and my whole body’s out of hell, yes, I can it’s a violation to who I am as a woman as myself. I can’t keep going so I had to say it but I’m saying can be clunky and I feel bad but then I’m he got it though it is it okay. Like I understand you. Let’s talk. I wasn’t saying get the hell out. I wasn’t I was like, let me explain my process. So

 

Unknown Speaker  34:41  

yeah, the other thing that you did

 

Damona  34:42  

that’s really great is you really stayed in the moment like I’m always telling my listeners not to get ahead of themselves, like you weren’t, like, This guy has to get out right now because I don’t know where this is going. You just are like right now this doesn’t feel right to me. And so I’m just going to react to this moment. Exactly, yeah. And that’s a lot of pressure off yourself, right? Because when you’re when you start thinking about, like, what happened before what happened after I mean, that’s another thing like people that have had sex before that realize they don’t want to have sex with someone again, it’s kind of like you were saying earlier, there’s this feeling like, well, if we’ve already had sex, we might as well just have sex again. Now, right, you always have a chance to choose right?

 

Unknown Speaker  35:21  

Every you have a chance to choose in every moment and with every relationship and with every encounter, to be to, to to change your mind. And when we’re present. So what we’re talking about is when we go into an experience like that, where we’re like, I gotta get out, we go into fight or flight. And we go into the future in the past. We don’t make great decisions for ourselves. So to say, we’ll say like, go back to right now in this moment, I am not feeling it. We have totally we have agency over that and you don’t owe anybody anything. You don’t owe anybody another kiss, another sex another date, like really don’t and I think that is women. This is just like we’re breaking, you know, so many years of this stigma and this feeling that women just have to and we owe it to men, and we just don’t We don’t, and we could take care of ourselves and it’s our bodies, our choices, and all those things are really real. And I think the more that we do that in every situation, we’re going to be just so much, so much better set up for our relationship that we can teach our daughters or nieces or the women in our life. How to do that as well.

 

Unknown Speaker  36:17  

Yeah, paradigm. It is. Thank you for reiterating that. Okay, I want to go back, you said that you had some tips in case you you need to give someone some

 

Unknown Speaker  36:32  

constructive criticism. Yes. How do we do that?

 

Unknown Speaker  36:36  

Okay, I love the compliment sandwich. So, do you want to give me an example of something you might want to correct? It can be from your life damona or anywhere else? Like what would be something that you might want to give feedback or that you’ve heard from your listeners? Oh, I don’t like the way.

 

Damona  36:50  

Is there anything? Actually I did get a DM when I was asking for questions about a woman who said she has trouble climaxing during oral sex

 

Unknown Speaker  37:01  

with boyfriend. All right. So that is such a common a common thing. So I, so well that’s, that’s interesting because so what she might be saying is,

 

Unknown Speaker  37:12  

Okay, here we go. So she’d say babe, sweetie, okay, here’s my first step

 

Unknown Speaker  37:17  

outside the bedroom. Number one, you do not have the conversations about what you’d like to change, or giving feedback to your partner in the bedroom after a sex act. Because we’re in a heightened state of arousal. Maybe we’ve just we’re connected where I like the bedrooms. I like that for sleeping and for sex. But when we’re gonna have a conversation about our sex life, do it when you are in an environment where you’re kind of chilling, you keep it light, maybe you’ve just had a drink, you’re at dinner, you’re going for a walk. I love walking and having conversations on a road trip because these conversations can be so awkward and uncomfortable at first. You don’t have to make eye contact if you’re driving your car like okay, babe, I think we should talk about our sex like that. That concept

 

Unknown Speaker  38:01  

is the environment for any conflict IV.

 

Unknown Speaker  38:04  

any conflict, get in the car time to walk the dog with you again. So then so then you say okay, so I realized that I want to talk to you about I’ve been thinking about our sex life. This is the compliment sandwich. And, and you start with something you love. I think that it’s been lately the way you’ve been. The way it’s been a lot slower lately. And I love the way you’ve been like making out and that thing you did with your tongue and my on my neck or my ear felt so good. Like, I feel like we’ve really been, you know, connecting lately in that way. And I realized that when you go down on me it is so it’s like my favorite thing. It’s so hot. I get really aroused. And lately I haven’t been able to orgasm. I was thinking that perhaps if we took a little bit more time with it, and I could have a few more. You know, sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like I’m taking too much time. And I feel like if we He just kind of settle in, I knew that you were kind of into it as well that I would definitely have the most explosive orgasms, and then the last piece of the bread would be, and I know that when I’m really turned on and having orgasms, it just makes me want to have sex every day. He

 

Unknown Speaker  39:15  

want and that’s what he wants. He never wants

 

Unknown Speaker  39:18  

  1. So I mean, that was a lot. You know, that was. That was I was also answering the A common question that women have about why can I orgasm during oral sex? And typically, it’s because women are, well, we can sum up the compliment sandwich first and I’ll get into oral like, but typically you want to be very positive. You want to stay curious. You don’t want to be accusatory or blame I’ve told you so many times to go down. I mean more, why doesn’t this happen? Because the second you do that they’re just out the door. So really, it’s just here’s what I love. Here’s why this would be great in a suggestion and then ending with like, the reason why it’s great for both of you is my best tip.

 

Damona  39:53  

I love that. I love the compliment sandwich. I have so many questions Emily. I would love to just keep on talking You feel like questions, but so many people have submitted their questions. So I’m gonna roll on into our next segment. Do you have questions and Emily and I have answers. So now it’s time for your favorite segment. And I just want to remind everybody, these are going to be a little bit more R rated than usual. But Emily, I’m sure these are no biggie for you. You got it? Yeah, no questions like this all the time. Our first one comes to us from Katie from Canada. She says, My husband needs a few days between sex sessions, or he can’t get hard. Is this normal? And just to give you a little bit more background, because I followed up with her She said she’s 31 He’s 37. She’s never noticed the refractory time before, but since the quarantine she’s noticed that if she tries to initiate again that day or days following it doesn’t lead anywhere or he’s not able to and that feels like a long time.

 

Unknown Speaker  41:00  

Okay, got it? That’s that’s a great question. And I love that she gave me his age because when people email me their questions, it’s really important to people’s age and to know where they’re at So, so, if you’re 37 if he’s 37 so here’s what I think the refractory time for men meaning the time it takes for them to be able to have sex again after they ejaculate. You know, when you’re younger men can kind of keep going. And when they get a little bit older, it can be challenging, but 37 is still young, typically, men start to see challenges around erections. And around in their 40s is when there’s a drop in testosterone. And so what I would think what my first hit from this is that what the first thing is, it could be medical, it could be testosterone drop, it could be if he’s taking any medications, the first thing to look at is as you change anything at all, is he drinking more? Is he on a medication, there’s a lot of medications that actually impact our ability to get to have an erection to have an orgasm. So that’s what we got to look at a lot anything medical, and then we take away all of that. Listen We are in a time of tremendous stress and anxiety, which already before quarantine is the number one killer of our sex drive. When we are stressed, and we are anxious, especially men, I find this in men more than women, when men are concerned about money, their job, something happening, their ability to be in the masculine and take care of the family like that really has an impact on their desire. And so I don’t know that you should be concerned. But I think that maybe I would tell Katie to go a little bit deeper. And just like how I said, to have the conversation about sex in a neutral environment, the same thing goes for this kind of thing. Just say, I’ve been thinking about you. And I know you said it’s gonna take a few days is it you know, tell me about how you feel? Is there anything we could do? You’re doing in a way to help that like, I can’t believe it, you’re not getting turned on because a lot of times what women we do is we think oh, he’s not attracted to me anymore. Something’s wrong with me. Or, you know, and just being like, supportive and saying like, well, let’s take a look at it. Let’s take a look at like your medication, or do you think it could be something stressful Something I could do to help you more like relax right now because a couple days is a long time, like in the sense of like, I’m sure he could still get turned on but I feel like there he might just have other things on his mind right now is what is what I’m thinking. Yeah,

 

Damona  43:14  

I’ve been hearing that couples in quarantine together are actually having more sex right now. So I wonder also if she’s been like, does this

 

Unknown Speaker  43:23  

I don’t know that you’re hearing everything Okay, so I’m hearing that there’s some couples who are like, Oh my god, it’s so great. We’re both home now. I’m not traveling as much for work and we’re just having this time that we’ve always craved. other couples are like, I’m going to there’s nothing sexy about living in this one bedroom apartment and I’ll be doing and staring each other and that is not hot. Because something about you becoming one of candles eroticism when you don’t have the surprise and the mystery in the spotlight at all that is just washed away with this quarantine. So I actually, I don’t want to put any more pressure on everyone. Like I think it’s different across the board. But but maybe Yeah, maybe Katie’s feeling like she wants it more because maybe he’s been away a lot now. Homework. And maybe he’s trying to figure out how to work at home. And how do I make sense of this all. And he’s just really stressed and is more distracted right now. And so maybe creating a space for them and their relationship where they can separate from work and creating a time where they’re scheduling sex, which is one of my best tips for couples always and right now to say, I know that we’re having sex these three days this week, so you’re not one of you isn’t feeling like you’re always rejecting their partner, or someone wants it more than the other. But when you can plan it, and you know, like sex is happening eight o’clock on Saturday, you can kind of start to look forward to it. You can get ready, you can shower, you can shave what you can like, talk about the things you want to do. And then that becomes your activity that you’re both going to share and it works better for for both usually.

 

Damona  44:43  

Yeah, and what else do we have to do right now? Exactly right. I’m all about the date night so I had to make a date night appointment with my husband like after the kids go to bed. Saturday night, your mind. Now he knows this. He knows what’s coming. Okay. We talked about women and oral sex but from the other side This question comes to us from Ashley on Instagram. She says, My boyfriend can’t climax from a blow job trying to deal with my ego thinking it’s just me any tips?

 

Unknown Speaker  45:17  

Great question, Ashley. I hear this all the time. First off, it is not you I wish I could just talk to the collective conscious of women and be like most of the things that are happening with your boyfriend’s your partner’s penis has nothing to do with you. It’s very common that men cannot orgasm from blowjob and and so it could be a lot of reasons it could be the way he masturbates. It could be the way he’s holding his penis. It could be because he’s watching a lot of porn. And it is harder for him to masturbate with with a mouse there is. Now also I want to say yeah, maybe there’s something else that he wants sexually. And you’re allowed to say to him God, I really love performing oral on you. I’d love to know your best tips of how I can make it the best blow job ever. But I wouldn’t ask him in the moment, I would say I’m going to or I would say I want to start asking your next time when you show me what you love because I want to be your best ever. You could do that as well, Ashley but there are I’m hearing this more and more lately that there’s just a lot of men who just aren’t orgasming from blowjobs and I just I’ve always heard it but something lately and I have a hunch it has to do with porn. Because I believe that men are watching so much that’s a whole nother show. We could do more and watching But yeah, I do believe that I’m not like anti porn by any means I get that it serves its purpose. But when we have one way of holding ourselves and one way of generating pleasing ourselves, it can be challenging to bring anyone else into the mix even if she’s like a you know, expert porn star, whatever like doesn’t for a living, it can still be challenging. So best take your ego out of it and just get some healthy communication with your partner.

 

Unknown Speaker  46:53  

That’s great advice, Emily.

 

Damona  46:55  

Okay, this one is another Instagram question from Shannon. She says, what does it mean when your new boyfriend goes limp when you get on top of them? He says he’s had this problem in his last relationships, too. He can function in other positions, but he climaxes quickly.

 

Unknown Speaker  47:15  

Okay, Shannon, this is a great question too. It’s like, I wish we knew her age, but I’m telling you, it sounds like she might be a little bit. I don’t know, younger. I don’t know why I have this sense. But I feel that men have penis challenges, trust him that he has that trust that it’s happened in his past relationship.

 

Unknown Speaker  47:33  

And

 

Unknown Speaker  47:36  

when you get on top of him,

 

Unknown Speaker  47:40  

I mean, okay, so most of the challenges that men face with their penis have to do with anxiety and has to do with things that have happened in a situation that’s happened in the past. And all men want to do is perform. They want to be great lovers. They want to stay at heart and they want to keep going. But sometimes if things have happened in the past, it even only takes one time. We’re like, Oh, no, I’m going to get soft and this isn’t, you know, this, this, this keeps happening over and over again. And then they are they’re reinforcing it and their behavior. It’s a what it means is I think again, you have to kind of understand what kind of like what positions, he functions in other positions, but he climaxes quickly does he climax. So what I’m hearing then is that in every position, he climax quickly, but then when you get on top, he gets soft. So it’s just it’s almost like you’re having, these are challenges that you’re having. And

 

Unknown Speaker  48:33  

yeah, and that’s her favorite position. She was saying that’s the that’s the position that she can come in most easily. But he can’t perform in that can perform that

 

Unknown Speaker  48:44  

way. Well, here’s the other thing I want to say is what I believe that if he gets limp, he can probably he can get harder again. So what we have to do when our partners get limp is not freaked out and not ended just because they’re like, Oh my god, I can’t believe it. You could be like it’s okay baby and then you could go down And again, you can start to touch him, you can use some lube, you can like, get him hard again, because just because he got soft, doesn’t mean that it can’t come back and again in a moment, but it’s the both of you that collective, he’s going, I didn’t say that often you’re like, he’s not hard, and then it becomes a thing, but just be like, it’s okay, babe. And then you could kind of work around, make out again, do some other things. And I guarantee you, he’s going to get hard again. I mean, I’ll come back. And that’s a training thing, and then you get back on top of them. And then if it happens, again, you go back down again. And I think once you both realize that he can get hard again, it’s gonna be able to come back. This is what I’ve experienced with with people, it’s just a matter of retraining, what what means sex is over what means you know what I mean? So I think baby does have experience with that position. And he really think the reason why he’s getting soft is because I think he probably really wants to be there and deliver and he just can’t. So it’s kind of retraining. It’s almost like creating new neural pathways in the brain. That’s what it’s about.

 

Damona  49:56  

Knowing Yes, well, and it sounds like this relationship is knew, but I often hear from people in long term relationships that they want to try new things or they get to this Roadblock, and they don’t really know how to take things in a different direction. What do you say to that?

 

Unknown Speaker  50:15  

Oh, it’s it’s a great question because that is so common that couples are like, what what do we do? What where do we go? We’ve got

 

Damona  50:19  

our friend Emily.

 

Unknown Speaker  50:21  

Exactly. I was gonna say, Come on, girl. It’s okay. But the first thing is, is communicating about it and saying what? I think we can both agree that we want to be the greatest lovers to each other ever. And I love all these things about relationship but there’s I feel like there’s so much more that we don’t even know we’ve been together so long would you can we can we make this our thing right now? Can we figure out what would be super hot for both of us? And a great place to start is you each talk about maybe you will share the most memorable time you’ve had sex like what is the top three moments for you? Like it could be like something that happened or position or glance or a look? And then just by you explaining that And then your partner coming back to you and saying his times, there’s so much detail. There’s so much information just in those moments like, like, the most memorable time could be, you know, when you guys were on vacation, and oftentimes on vacation because there’s no distractions, and maybe you were in a hotel room, and then all of a sudden, like someone else walked in and saw you. And then you’re like, Okay, well, there was no distractions, the window was open, and then someone else walked in. So there was like, the element of surprise, or maybe voyeurism. Or maybe it was it was going really slow. And he was slowly it was the way that he slowly addressed you. Or maybe you had a blindfold on. I mean, there’s intelligence in these in these moments. So I think once we find out these are the things that that worked, and why you like them, and then your partner would share the same things and you can say, Okay, well, let’s do more of that. So that’s a great place to start. Another thing is just to get smart together and a lot of couples Listen, I’ve found over the years I’ve been doing this for 15 years. The podcasts a lot of couples listen together to my show. And they’re like, Oh, well Emily says this and, you know, use me like, I don’t care if people blame me and they’re like, well, like you can stop and be like, what do you think about us trying watching porn together or buying some sex toys together? That is mostly what we’re missing. It’s not that we don’t love our partner, but we’re missing novelty. We’re missing something new and different. So it’s like toys, getting ideas, research, reading a book together, listening to my show, just finding new ways to connect. You know, it could just be even outside the bedroom, like our same bedroom over day over day can get boring. Everything does after a while,

 

Damona  52:36  

especially sex. Thank you for those tips. I’ll be sure to pass them on to my friend. This was awesome. Thank you so much for joining me Emily. I’m so glad to have you on dates and maybe

 

Unknown Speaker  52:47  

you for having me. I’m so honored. And

 

Damona  52:52  

y’all you got to get listening to the sex with Emily podcast or check her out on Sirius XM stars channel 109. She’s on every day. You can find her on your favorite podcast platform. And hey, like she said, you can use the podcast as a jumping off point for your next sex talk. Thanks so much for being here.

 

Unknown Speaker  53:11  

Thank you for having me.

 

Damona  53:13  

We have made it through Episode 308 of dates and mates. I actually did an interview on Emily’s podcast too, and I’ll put a link in the show notes or you can join Patreon, where I’m adding the cliffsnotes versions of all of my media interviews and podcasts that I’ve appeared on. I’ll bullet out everything you need to know so you can follow along and soak up the most important info. But that’s not everything you would get from being in my patreon Friends with Benefits Program. I also have a step by step video training on how to start online dating today. Plus in a few days on Wednesday, the sixth of May, I’ll be dropping a new video training on how to tell if someone is good match for you on Tinder. Just using Facial analysis techniques work. Yes, watch the mind of some of our listeners being blown as they experience the brilliance of a live facial analysis by Susan. I bet, y’all Honestly, this is like a game changer info. It’s all going down in the Patreon. You can get all of these resources for you starting at just five bucks a month@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. I’d love to have you join the community. In the meantime, please, let’s let’s connect. I’m on all the socials at damona Hoffman. And I love hearing from you all all of these questions that we’ve been getting are so rich and layered. And I know that there are a lot of you nodding your head to these questions going, Oh, that’s a problem for me too. And if you’re thinking that then I want to hear what your question is, because I guarantee you it’s going to help somebody else who is listening to the show. Don’t forget to share, share what you’ve learned, share this episode and Please join me again next week all my subscribers get the episodes the minute that they post until next week.

 

Unknown Speaker  55:06  

I wish you comfortable face masks and happy dating

5 Binge Worthy Dates & Mates Episodes

New to the Dates & Mates Podcast and Damona Hoffman? Here’s where you start.

 

 

Episode 387: Thirst Traps & How To Date A Celeb

Damona is joined by Emmy-nominated actress and Transgender Rights Activist, Laverne Cox (YES, THEE LAVERNE COX). She dishes all about how she found love on Tinder, her dating app strategy as a trans woman, & how she responds to being fetishized on dating apps. If there’s one sentence that summarizes this episode, it’s when Laverne said “don’t disrespect yourself by accepting less than what you’re looking for in love.”

Read the full recap here…

 

Episode 400: Dr. Drew & The Big 400

As it’s the 400th episode of Dates & Mates, Damona is talking with the man that started it all. The OG, the GOAT of dating and relationship advice, and host of the Loveline radio show for over 30 years – it’s Dr. Drew Pinsky! Damona and Drew answer listener questions throughout the episode, and his top tips for “doing the dance of dating.”

Read more about Dr. Drew here!

 

Episode 402: The 7 Love Styles & Doppelbangers

We’ve all heard of the Five Love Languages – AKA words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. And most times, you can’t go on a first date without someone asking you what your love language is.

But fun fact: did you know that the love languages were created in the 80’s? Former therapist Molly Owens thought it was time for a refresh, and we agree. Molly is the CEO of Truity, one of the leading providers of research-backed personality tests, and created the 7 Love Styles.

Read here to figure out what love style you are…

 

Episode 431: Green Flags & Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday

Nick Viall, former star of The Bachelor and host of The Viall Files podcast, joins Dates & Mates for a 2nd time to talk about his new book, “Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday.” Damona and Nick also deliberate our generation’s crucial questions: Does bad texting mean bad communication? How can we stop feeling stuck in our dating lives? And what really is the difference between a player and a f**kboy?

Find out the answers here!

 

Episode 450: Code-Switching Valentine & Smart Sex

Damona’s long-time friend and colleague Emily Morse, host of the Sex With Emily podcast, sits down with Damona for a special (and might I say, spicy) Valentine’s episode of Dates & Mates! Damona and Emily dive into what “great sex” actually looks like, and how to take control of your own arousal.

Plus, did you know you have a Sex IQ?? We didn’t either. Emily shares how you can figure out yours.

Read more about it here!

 

Dates & Mates is here to give you all the latest & greatest information you need on dating. Are there any topics you want Damona to discuss on the podcast? Let us know! DM Damona on all the socials @DamonaHoffman OR email asst@damonahoffman.com.

LA Times: Dear Damona

L.A. love coach Damona Hoffman tackles dating and relationship questions on her weekly podcast, “Dates & Mates.” Here, she shares answers to the questions she’s getting about love in the time of coronavirus:

  • I’ve been chatting with someone on a dating app for a few weeks. What is the best way to move things to the next level since we can’t meet in person?
  • I miss my ex and I’ve been tempted to reach out and check on him. Good idea?
  • I love my wife, but her quirks are driving me up the wall right now. Like why does she load the dishwasher like that? Should I say something or bite my tongue?

Read Damona’s answers HERE!

Tall Guy Vibe & Keeping It Cute

SHOULD HEIGHT REALLY MATTER IN DATING?

On today’s episode of the Dates & Mates podcast, Damona sits down with Vince Gauglione, long-time friend of the show and author of “Why Are You Still Single? An Average Joe’s Take on What’s Really Going On in the Dating Pool and What You Can Do to Stay Afloat.”

Vinca and Damona discuss if height really matters in today’s world, the biggest pet peeves men have in dating, and his new book on why you’re still single

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

DATING DISH (2:00)

Something you need to know…

This week is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Damona covers everything you need to know. If you or someone you know needs help, call Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

via GIPHY

 

A Netflix show you will hate to love or love to hate

Is Too Hot To Handle hot or not? It’s stirring up a lot of controversy for its potentially detrimental messages on sex and love. Damona has thoughts.

via GIPHY

Relationship Stress Strategies

John and Julie Gottman – some of Damona’s most trusted researchers on love and relationships – give their tips to reduce relationship stress during this time.

via GIPHY

TALL GUY VIBE (12:00)

You’ve heard love advice from the experts, now the average joes:

According to Vince, men have a few dating pet peeves we should all know about:

  • Unrealistic Dating Profiles
  • Too much shorthand in DMs
  • Too much phone time on dates
  • When their date makes it obvious that they’re just checking off boxes “ideal-mate must-haves” list

 

He goes into detail on this, PLUS he gives us his opinion as a 5’7 man trying to find love:


Find Vince at www.vinceguaglione.com and make sure to pick up a copy of his book and follow him on Facebook, @theaveragejoesdatingconfessional

TECHNICALLY DATING (38:00)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email from Jacqueline – During this time of Covid19 pandemic I’m looking to get back into online dating. In this time of pandemic no salons are open so no makeover for me do I go with “the best I can” look due to circumstances and not let it be a deterrent for my profile?
  • IG message – A guy and i matched on Bumble prior to all of this happening, but never got the chance to meet up. We have FaceTimed twice (first time was 2 hrs!) and text/Instagram every day. Finding it hard now that it’s almost 2 months in to keep up conversation beyond daily Groundhog Day happenings. Also hard to not get too emotionally invested when you talk daily and you don’t know where the other person stands (if they are talking or other people) and you haven’t even met yet so what position are you in to ask?! Any tips for keeping an even mind and things to chat about until we have a chance to meet?

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

 

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers. Those of you who follow dates and mates for a while now know that I am all about getting clear on the true criteria that you need in your future or current life partner. And it’s not a secret that I have been campaigning for daters to take height completely off their list. Back in February, during the five q fab series, Bella Gandhi and I had a little conversation that was rather controversial. For some of our listeners. We are of the opinion that height shouldn’t matter in today’s world, but not all of our listeners are in agreement with that. So today, we’re getting a man’s perspective on dating As a short guy from Vince Gagliano, he’s a longtime listener of dates and mates. And he’s a successful author with a new book that’s all about his dating experiences. More on that later. But first, we have headlines this week, including something important that you need to be aware of this month, and a new Netflix series that you will love to hate, or hate to love. Plus a few tips to make marriage and quarantining a little less stressful. Then, after my chat with Vince, I will be answering your questions, including how to keep it cute for dating during quarantine, and how to have better conversations with the Bumble Bay you’ve never met. Then in the last segment of the show, I will make a very big announcement that you won’t want to miss. And now it’s time for the dish, these dating dish. So it’s April and that means yes, it’s tax month and financial literacy. The month, which I could do a whole episode on, but even more importantly, right now, it’s also Sexual Abuse Awareness Month. And I have to admit, I went back and forth on whether or not to include something in the show about that because, you know, I like to keep it light on dates and mates and keep it positive and give you all advice and opportunities to find love. But I can’t overlook the fact that this is a serious problem in many relationships. When you look at the numbers, eight out of 10 rapes are committed by someone that you know, and sometimes even by your own partner. And looking at the numbers for forensic nurse examiners in DC, they’re reporting a 43% decrease in patient seeking treatment year over year. So that means fewer people are reporting sexual assault and coming in to get treated and evaluated for it. So that tells me one of two things either, people are quarantining, so often They’re just not in situations where they’re coming in contact with one another. And there are fewer sexual abuse incidents happening. Or worse yet, and more likely the case, people are experiencing it more and feeling unsafe about getting help and saying what’s going on. So just a little note for today’s to start out today’s show, that there are programs that are still open for victims of sexual assault, and the government has actually passed funding to keep them running. So if you are someone that you know, is dealing with a sexual assault situation, please call the number we’ll put in the show notes. One 800 656. Hope that’s 1-800-656-4673

 

on a completely different notes on a consensual sexual note, there’s a neutral show on Netflix that’s blowing my mind and the minds of many other people. Have you seen this? It’s called too hot to handle. It’s all about a celibacy challenge. It’s basically temptation Island, but nobody can have sex with one another. That is the rule of the series. They put all these super hot singles in bikinis and high heels all the time. I love the bikini and high heel. Look, don’t get me wrong, but none of them are supposed to have sex with one another. They’re not even supposed to make out they’re not supposed to have Heavy Petting. They can’t even touch themselves, or they lose money. They’re trying to get $100,000 if they can abstain from sex for a month. Now, sexologist apparently are concerned that this will reverse the thinking on sex. They’ve done so much work to keep to make sex not taboo. And it seems like Netflix is on this. They’re on this mission, as they say at the top of life. as blind as at the top of this show, they’re trying to find ways to help people make deeper connections. And you can see in the first episode, I’m not telling you any spoilers because this is really the concept of the show, but the first episode when the people find out that they can’t have sex, and then they’re told you’re all here because you have way too much sex and you’re you’re not having deep enough emotional connections. The look on their faces is enough for the price of admission alone. But I gotta tell you, I love dating and relationship shows as you know, I can’t I cannot even with the show. It is literally the most salacious version of a dating and relationship show that you could possibly find. And I know what’s coming up is all these people sneaking around trying to have sex and not get caught. And it just seems like it’s gonna become a big ol mess. If you like that kind of train wreck programming. I think it’s going to be right down the middle perfect for you. But I for 1am going to be tapping out For those of you who are already in a relationship, and maybe feeling a little bit of the stress from quarantine, my friends at NPR interviewed, the amazing john and Julie got Minh and they offered up their tips on Morning Edition on how to reduce stress if you’re in a relationship and quarantine together, especially if your relationship is already on the rocks, because right now we’re dealing with a lot of anxieties. I know I’m feeling it, there’s the anxiety of the fear of possibly catching COVID or the stress of even dealing with friends or family members who have the virus, maybe you even have the virus or you’ve come out of quarantine. And you have that on top of not ever being able to get away from your partner and all of their idiosyncrasies and all of the fights, the old fights that you’ve had coming back up because you’re in this pressure cooker. And there was some advice in this in this interview and this article that we’ll link to in the show notes that really is so key in communicating and relationships. The first thing I want to share with you is that they advise for one person to be the speaker when you’re trying to de stress and solve a problem. They said instead of trying to both trying to talk and everybody trying to be a fixer, right, we’ve talked on the show before about when you get in conflicts, a lot of times the partner wants to fix the issue instead of just listening. So what john and Julie got, Minh said was, you need to elect one person to be the speaker, and the other is the listener. And then the listener simply has to ask questions to deepen their understanding of the issue, and then just offer sympathy. And that is so hard. I believe me, I understand because I’m in this myself too. We we want the problem to go away. So we want to fix it, but sometimes what the other person needs is for you to just pause and hear them. And let them know that their frustration has been heard and felt by their partner. Because research shows that what partners really need in a marriage or a relationship is for the other person to be empathetic to them to be supportive. And that really can help when you have an ally that can help you manage your stress and feel really hurt. The second piece of advice that I think is really, really important, is they say when things get sort of snippy, when you get to that point of you’re like, Well, you did this and then you remember that time and 10 years ago, when it gets heated to that point, take a break, take a break from the conversation, and they recommend doing something self soothing, that calms you down, not ruminating on the conversation that just happened but doing something completely different that will give get you out of the fight or flight we talked a few weeks ago about fight flight or freeze, right? So you got to get yourself out of that mental space to be able to come back into it and have a conversation on a neutral level. And then you return to your partner at a designated time that you’ve already agreed to like, okay, we’re gonna take a break. Let’s talk about this after the kids go to bed. Let’s talk about this when we go on our nightly walk, and then you continue to the discussion from a more neutral place. Look, y’all I know it’s tough out there. We are going to get through it and communication. clear communication is the best. The best way for us to sort through these challenges, whether they’re new dating challenges and problems or coming up for miscommunication, or you’ve been in a relationship for a while. Speaking of NPR turns out that this week, I’m actually going to be on NPR. I’ll be recording an episode of NPR show. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders, and I’ll be answering Bring your questions about love in the time of Coronavirus. So if you have a question dating or relationship related, it’s not too late to submit it to me for the answer on that show. You can just email me your question at Dimona at damona. Hoffman you can leave me a little voice memo and send that over or just leave me a voicemail if you don’t want to deal with all the all the buttons on the phone. Just call my voicemail four to 42466255 tell me what your challenges and you could end up hearing it on NPR. Those are headlines for today. right after this. We will hear Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, not my words, his words, but do stick around.

 

I’m back and I am joined by someone who has been right where you are right now listening to this podcast for love and relationship advice. Ben Scaglione is an author. Who writes about what he’s seen and experienced as a single guy in the dating world. His last dating book, Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, looked at the dating challenges of men through the lens of his own experience. And now, he’s written a new book titled Why are you still single and average Joe’s take on what’s really going on in the dating pool and what you can do to stay afloat? Joining us now from Raleigh, North Carolina, please give big smooches to a friend of the show. Vince Gagliano, the owner. All right, Vince, before we talk to you about your perspective, first I just want to thank you for being a longtime dates and mates listener and supporter. You and I have had a lot of conversations about dating challenges over dm. But now I’m really excited to speak with you in person about your new book. And any new perspective you’ve gained since the last time we communicated. I want to just start out Vince with this dedication you have in the book because I found it very inspiring. It said, it’s for those who have the courage to remain steadfast in their belief that through the disappointment, anguish and heartache, the world, the dating world serves up, it will all be worth it in the end. Keep the faith. Vince, how do you keep the faith in the face of the current dating scene as you see it?

 

Vince Gauglione 12:26  

Well, that’s that’s certainly tough, right? So I mean, we have a lot of people that are out there floating around that are single, and they have their own unique set of challenges. Of course, it’s a very personal experience for each and every one of us. And over time, you know, you’ve got so many disappointments, heartache. It kind of warps your perspective a little bit. So what you I think, what what every one of us has to do, who you know who’s single who’s dealing with these issues, we have to remember that You know, at some point, as long as we are doing everything we can to titles

 

Damona  13:05  

Why am I still single? I’m just gonna cut to the chase, why am I still single chapter one you say so why am I still single? And then you turn it around on yourself? What if, what if, what have you learned and what wisdom Can you share? in answering this question for other people or helping people answer it for themselves.

 

Vince Gauglione 13:24  

The key is really, you know, we’re not everybody’s cup of tea. That’s just the way dating works. You know, we’ve all been through those experiences, life and situations where it’s like, we think somebody’s perfect for us, or we’re really interested in someone and we find out you know, we’ve learned that that’s just not the case. Maybe they don’t you know, reciprocate. So, for us, we have to take a closer look, and when we take a moment to reflect back and ask ourselves, if we can be better if, you know, there’s, there’s anything that we need to look at a little bit closer, maybe things we haven’t explored in the past. is a good time to do that. And you might gain a new perspective. And I think that, you know, that’s that’s really the question here. Why if you ask yourself the question why you’re still single, you might find a few things that you maybe were unaware of that, you know, were kind of blockers in preventing you from finding what you were looking for.

 

Damona  14:19  

Okay, so let’s talk about what some of those things might be. And just based on your first book, Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, there’s there’s a lot of challenges just in that title. Right. Let’s just focus on the first one because I do hear this a lot, both from women and men. How big of a dating challenge Do you think being and you say short, Vince, you’re five, seven. That’s short. My dad is fine, too. And he’s had three wives and he’s doing just fine. So are like talking to him. He would even make some talk. He would make tell jokes about you. But people tell you you have a tall guy. What does that even mean?

 

Vince Gauglione 15:01  

Well, actually, that was kind of interesting because that came about through a, an IM chat, we’ve got talking about how he said to me, I would have never guessed your five, seven, you have a tall guy by and I thought, Okay, well, you know, in, in understanding this and kind of going looking looking back the past few years, a few years when I had gone and you know, research this based on my own experiences and tried to understand it a little bit more in depth is that, you know, the the height issue is it’s always out there, it’s always going to be an issue for short guys. But if we’re able to project dominance, power protection, we’re able to just admit that we’re just kind of evoke that through our personality, then all of a sudden, we as short guys wind up with that tall guy vibe. And that’s kind of what you know, attracts women. And that is the one thing that I hadn’t really Understood throughout all my years of dating, I realized that you know, I mean I looked at it as I wasn’t having any success, I get turned down a lot. And as it turned out, I wound up with like this chip on my shoulder, so it affected my overall mood and disposition. So in a way, I became kind of a martyr. And that certainly affected my dating life through you know, my, my first, you know, 30 years here on this earth, I didn’t finally start understanding what was going on until I got probably closer to 40. It affected me for a very long time in my life, and thus, you know, I wound up making poor choices myself.

 

Damona  16:36  

Well, that’s how we learn Right, exactly the last time I talked about high on the show, I got a little bit of hate mail Vince, I’m not gonna lie. Some tall ladies were pretty mad at me. And in encouraging them to look beyond height. So what I’m going to step back and just let you talk to the tall ladies and share what you I would say to them, because I mean, I totally get it like, there are definitely shorter guys that would be in that insecure place that maybe you were in before. That would be intimidated by a woman who is say over 510 or taller. Right? Sure. But then if you’re just limiting your dating pool, because you’ve had those experiences in the past, there could be great, shorter guys, that you’re overlooking, no pun intended.

 

Vince Gauglione 17:32  

Yeah, absolutely. Again, it’s like when we talk about this part of this is, you know, it’s like evolutionary, you know, it’s kind of wired into our DNA, the connotation for height is that person can protect that person. You know, I could be on that that person’s arm and I feel secure. And I think that, you know, for taller women, some of them certainly understand that Yeah, most of the men that they’re going to be You know, evaluating the dating pool probably are going to be shorter than them, especially if they’re like 511 or six foot. But what they’re really looking for is that sense of security in a way and a guy can he can he can present that just threw his personality alone. Mm hmm.

 

Damona  18:23  

Yes, I completely agree with you. And I, I find that it’s not even so much like the biological attraction to height. I think it’s a lot about the societal connotations with height as well, because, really, biologically, we should be attracted to that provider type, right, which can come in a lot of different forms. And it’s kind of going back to that the confidence element that you were talking about,

 

Vince Gauglione 18:56  

right. So yes, to Yeah, because you have if you if you are out in public and you see a couple, and the woman is like five or six inches taller than the guy, then you get a lot of weird looks, you know? Yeah.

 

Damona  19:10  

I mean, how many crews and Katie Holmes have or Tom Cruise and like anyone Tom Cruise has ever dated. Right? Right. Right. We’re like, fixated and fascinated, but Okay, I’m gonna, I’ll just give my one take and then we’ll move on that there are a lot of combinations that society will look at you and B, society will be uncomfortable with it. So like, if my parents were allowed what society told them about their relationship to impact their actions, then I wouldn’t be here because my dad’s white, my mom is black. And all the time they would go to a restaurant and get stares and sneers and even, you know, this was, this is 70s 80s like, they would get direct comments that they shouldn’t be together and I can’t. I can’t imagine it’s that as bad as that. But I’ve never been. I’ve never been a tall woman, people will look, you know, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate hate, but we, we don’t have to pay attention to that if we’re going for what our heart really wants. So in your book, you talk about knowing what you want and knowing what you need, what is the roadblock to people being able to grasp that from your perspective?

 

Vince Gauglione 20:29  

Well, I think that we have a lot of noise. That’s the problem. There’s there’s certainly a lot of noise in society, right? So we’re constantly distracted in a number of different ways. And you know, if we’re always dealing with distractions, then we really don’t take the time out to just sit with ourselves and understand our emotion. I could read a one story for you where I was actually at an event all singles and it was just a little get together at a restaurant. At one point. A number of is hurt. Like the familiar audio audible game of a phone, right? And then it was, it was odd that about eight people all look down at their phones at the same time. And they stopped talking and they started texting. And it was only after a few minutes did the rest of us realize all eight of those people were in the same group chat. So they had stopped doing what they were doing to participate in the group chat, when the purpose of them being there was to be exposed to other singles. See what I mean? That’s what we’re dealing with today.

 

Damona  21:35  

We are consumed by the virtual world. And like I said this, I said this a few weeks ago on the show, that we are also so desperate to escape the reality that we’re in. We’re almost waiting for that ding. We’re waiting like we’re on a date. And we’re like, this is so uncomfortable. Because it is I mean, you’ve listened to the show for long enough to know like, I don’t sugarcoat it. Like datings awkward, it’s odd. We created it. It is a it’s a skill set that is learned it is something that is not part of, you know, natural courtship. Really. It’s, it’s created. And so that feeling of wanting to escape the day, when you have your phone nearby, it’s so easy to just jump into that other word world and that other other. You know that conversation. So how do how do you recommend people move into dating? in a way that’s more mindful, like we talked about mindfulness, getting clear before you date, but when you’re on the date, how do you stay in the moment there?

 

Vince Gauglione 22:45  

The thing to remember is you want to be present, right? You want to be an active participant in terms of listening and actually, you know, comprehending what the other person is saying. And of course, you know, if we’re talking about technology, The phone has to be on silent. I mean, you have to have that phone on silent. You can’t have a dinging all the time. While you’re having this conversation while you’re on the state. It’s just, I think it’s just, you know, just really inappropriate. When I would go on dates, it would just be phone goes on silent and it’s turned, you know, flat face down on the table.

 

Damona  23:22  

I would I would even add like, yeah, if you can put it away away. Because I mentioned Yeah, I mentioned on the show a while back, there was a study with cell phones and how having the cell phone in view on a in a meeting and not even on a date, but just in view, when two strangers were meeting, it made them feel mistrustful of the other person, even if the phone is off, and and if it was on, it was just on the table. You also talked about connecting meaningfully and one part of that being vulnerability. I get it from men sometimes, especially for men and for women too. But especially for men, that’s really hard. How’d you get to that place? It is,

 

Vince Gauglione 24:08  

it’s kind of funny because you have a friend and opposite sex female. And we were we would always talk about dating and dates. And she said to me one time, she said, you know, you’ve got the problem that a lot of women have, they get the emotionally unavailable guys, how is it that this is happening to you? So I, you know, getting you know, a lot of emotionally unavailable women.

 

Damona  24:32  

What does that look like the emotionally unavailable woman? How is that showing up for you?

 

Vince Gauglione 24:37  

Well, for me, it was showing up in terms of what if we’re talking and we are talking about vulnerability is like the inability to get close to keep you at arm’s length. If I would ask questions. You know, we’re talking about something that maybe hit a little bit close to home or was, you know, required some vulnerability I would get, you know, very glossed over type of answers or would not be able to even get that person to open up to speak a little bit about what they might be feeling, or what they might be thinking. We’ve become so emotionally disconnected from ourselves and from others, you know, you can, you can kind of zip into that virtual world anytime you want and feel perfectly happy and content. But what that’s done in, in effect, it’s kind of taken us away from understanding, you know, just our own nature, and how we connect in real life with people.

 

Damona  25:33  

Yeah, it sounds like you’ve been on you’ve been on a long journey of self discovery,

 

Vince Gauglione 25:39  

and many ups and downs along the way.

 

Damona  25:42  

Yeah. And I know like you came into this. If you if you don’t mind me sharing at the beginning of the book you talk about Yeah, and in 2012, you were in a serious relationship and you actually lost your partner, to suicide and for many people, That would be so devastating that I’m sure it would be hard to believe in love again, but it’s clear from talking to you, you do still believe that this is possible. What gives you that kind of faith? And how did you? How did you heal from such a devastating loss?

 

Vince Gauglione 26:16  

Yeah, that was a long journey. I’m not gonna lie, you know, and I’ve written about it in previous works. It is something that, you know, at the time for me, I was 42. So I didn’t expect that right. None of us really do it at the age of 42 that we’re going to lose, you know, someone close to us. And it took about two and a half years, almost two and a half years to fully reconcile it. So, but, you know, I, what I had done was I’ve taken in the good things away from it. So it’s like, I understood that it was a very loving, mutually, you know, caring relationship that we had and, you know, sure. It’s, it’s tough to find Those types of relationships as we go through life, you know, we might experience it once or twice a few times, but they don’t come around all that often. So, you know, when it does, I’ve learned to, you know, to cherish it more and to and to, to foster it more than I had in the past. Because for a while I had beaten myself up at times thinking I didn’t give enough or maybe I didn’t, you know, do enough. Or maybe I took it for granted. And, you know, having that experience now, and at this point in my life, I understand, you know, what, how special and how precious that actually is?

 

Damona  27:37  

How do you know when you’re sitting across from someone, my listeners are always asking like, well, I’m going on a lot of dates, but is this person the one I don’t know? Is this meant to be something serious? How can you tell?

 

Vince Gauglione 27:52  

Well, that happens over time. I mean, really, the only thing that we can point to here is time you have to give it time. Right. So if it’s someone who shares you know, your, your core values, right, if it’s someone who you have a, a, an ability to connect with and be vulnerable with, then it’s certainly worth exploring and continuing to explore. It’s not like it’s an on off switch where you can say, I know this one’s the right one, or this one’s not the right one. We kind of know more, you know, just as, as human beings, we know more about the things that we really don’t like or don’t want. So when we see those, they’re easy to identify. But the ones that are worthwhile, you know, that takes a little bit longer to figure out. So I would say if you’re, you know, if you’re, you’re, you’re cross sitting across from one that has the same core values, you want the same things or similar things and like, you have a vision of your life and the others, you know, that vision lines up and maps You’re on the right track.

 

Damona  29:02  

Okay, I’m going to ask you a few rapid fire questions for the ladies, a lot of our listeners are women that are dating. And would love to date an awesome guy like you? What are they doing wrong? What is your number one pet peeve that women do on? Let’s start with dating apps? Okay, what’s your biggest dating app? pet peeve?

 

Vince Gauglione 29:29  

Well, when it comes to dating apps, I think, of course, we can talk about like, their search criteria, and they they look for, you know, everything has to be in line, anything and that’s, I think that’s true of actually both sexes. So if you see something in a profile, that’s, you know, a turnoff, right? And you have all these other positives, but then you see this one thing you’re likely to say, Okay, well, I don’t like that. So I’m going to just, you know, swipe left. I think that’s the biggest problem. We have with with online dating right now is that, you know, we’re not able to put that into perspective, of course, we don’t gain a clear picture of who that person is. And it’s very hard to, you know, to write a profile that, you know, presents your, you know, who you are as a person, you know, realistically, along with, you know, giving someone a sense an idea of your values as well. So, yeah, we’re just too quick to move on from profile to profile. Are there syndrome as well?

 

Damona  30:33  

Yeah. Are there messaging behaviors that really frustrate you like, I’ll give you one example just for the guys. Like, I was working with a client who was on hinge and on hinge you have to engage with a particular picture or something that’s, that’s posted in the profile. You can’t just like swipe, swipe, swipe dm, so you have to send a message His strategy was like, I’ll just send like, these, this string, same string of emojis like a heart emoji and like, strong arm emoji, and like, right emojis worth his way of getting into the conversation. And because he was a very attractive guy, he kind of was relying on the fact that then they’re going to look at his profile and be like, Oh, he’s cute, and just get into the chat from there. But I was like, not great dating strategy. Because you’re not, you’re not actually like you were saying, finding someone who connects with you. On a values level on a deeper level. You can’t determine anything from having an emoji conversation. So that’s my guys. What’s your girl’s pet peeve?

 

Vince Gauglione 31:45  

Well, it’s similar similar things. You know, when it comes to actual messaging, well, if everything is in shorthand, you know, I mean, I write in complete sentences. I know that takes a while, but I write in earthly sentences. So he Yeah, exactly. And you know, so and i don’t i can’t really decipher some of the shorthand as well. So or if it’s like a text Blitz, where you get 500 messages in one shot, and there’s like, hey, do I have to respond to all these? How can I condense this down? Right? So I think it’s back and forth, you know, send a message, you get a message back, ask a question, wait for a reply. You know, don’t fall into the trap of, you know, having to send send, send, send, send, and then immediately, send, send, send again, let’s, let’s have a little back and forth here. Let’s have a real conversation as best as we’re going to have over text or I am,

 

Damona  32:40  

huh, what about first date? first date? pet peeves are first date tips for the ladies.

 

Vince Gauglione 32:47  

Well, being engaged, and I mean, that’s something that I look for, you know, someone who you can tell when someone is not engaged, if they’re distracted, or they just seem like you know, they they’re not having a good time or They are they don’t seem present. They’re not really engaged in the conversation. So if I have to carry the conversation, then I kind of know I kind of get a sense Well, I don’t think this person is really is really into me. So that’s important. Stay engaged, ask questions, let the conversation flow. Don’t have an agenda. You know, I think it’s another big one. You’re kind of when people are looking for things they want to check off list. What do you do? bla bla bla bla, that line of questioning. We’ve all heard that line of questioning before. As the conversation continues, you know, you will find things if you’re connecting with that person, you will find things to discuss something will resonate with you and the other person we there’ll be pulled in like, oh, tell me more about that. Or here’s my take on this. You have to let the conversation just devolve and flow on its own. You can’t try to force it.

 

Damona  33:59  

Yeah. Absolutely. And like I said earlier, dating is a learned skill. So the more you do it and the more you figure out what works for you and and build on your conversation techniques, the easier that experience is going to be for you. Before you go, I just I want to ask about, we’re recording this while most of us are in the middle of a quarantine lockdown, safer at home, whatever you want to call it. And so the world of dating has changed. How has that impacted dating for you? And what do you think will be the next phase of dating when we come out of the world of quarantine?

 

Vince Gauglione 34:45  

Hmm. Okay, well, I have a little disclaimer here in that around the time I had finished the draft of this book, I did meet someone that I am currently dating so I haven’t actually dating in the game, so to speak.

 

Damona  35:00  

quarantined together?

 

Vince Gauglione 35:03  

For the most part,

 

Damona  35:04  

yes. Oh, that’s a whole other. That’s a whole other show. Maybe we’ll have you back for that. Right? What but what are you hearing from from readers? And

 

Vince Gauglione 35:13  

yeah, people, it’s really, it’s not easy, because you don’t have a chance to get to those face to faces, right? So when you’re talking about having these conversations, right, you want to be able to at least this, you know, right now this present situation we’re in, you want to still be able to have that natural progression where you go from, you know, an initial interest, you know, contact contacting each other to, you know, some texting, phone calls are great. And then of course, now we have the whole you know, video chatting, facetiming zoom calls, etc. But it’s still it’s still a progression, you can start to build something during this time. However, as we know, it’s like where the rubber really, you know, meets the road is when you have that face to face. So you know that it may we might be in a situation where you might be, you know, speaking to a couple different people, and you might, you know, begin to form a connection, almost like a you know, like the love is blind series, right? Yeah, it’s similar. It’s not exactly the same, because you can see that person. But, you know, at least you can focus on understanding more about another person, then you would, you know, you would have done say previously before all of this because a lot of this, you know, before COVID-19 was, you’re on an app, you said, you match, you send a message, and then you’re already meeting thus, you know, you know nothing about the person and thus the reason for bad dates, you don’t have anything in common with that person. So it forces us to take more time to get to know others or a little bit of a deeper level.

 

Damona  37:00  

Yes, I think ultimately it will be good. But yes, some of those, some of those quarantine connections won’t last but we’re going to learn a lot in the process. And I’ve learned a lot from talking to you today, Vince, I hope everyone will pick up their copy of Why are you still single and average Joe’s take on what’s really going on in the dating pool and what you can do to stay afloat. Thank you so much for joining me, Vince Gagliano. It’s been a pleasure having you on the show. And again, thank you for your years of listening. Maybe it’s paying off in a new relationship. I wish you luck

 

Vince Gauglione 37:34  

with that, too. Thank you so much. I appreciate it was great being on the show.

 

Damona  37:38  

Thank you, Vince.

 

We’re back and your questions have been flooding in lately. Y’all must be really going through it. But I’m here for you. My DMS are always open and they’re especially open Right now for both dates and mates questions, NPR questions and drumroll please. Here’s the big announcement as of this weekend, also for a new advice column that I’m writing in the LA Times. So check out this Saturday’s issue of the LA Times to read my Coronavirus, dating and relationship advice. But remember, it all started here with you and me and your love questions on dates and mates. And here I will remain. Alright, here’s the lineup for today. I got an audio question from our listener Jacqueline. Here’s what she had to say.

 

Vince Gauglione 38:40  

What do you recommend for someone who’s looking to create a profile during this COVID pandemic period and salons and businesses are closed so one can have a makeover done? Is it okay to do the best you can with what you have with items at home such as box hair color, one’s own makeup and an iPhone. I’m would be curious as to your thoughts on this.

 

Damona  39:06  

All right, Jacqueline. First of all, you just got to do it. You just got to get out there and start. One of the things that makes it so hard for us to get back into the dating scene is we play out all these what if scenarios, what if I put up a profile and nobody messages me? What if I meet someone, and I do fall in love, and then I can’t meet them. And because we are afraid of all the different outcomes, we’re afraid of success and failure actually, that fear keeps us from action. And the only way to really get that valuable feedback on your profile. You’ve heard me talk on the show before about how your profile is a living document. And it will change and evolve as you change and evolve. But the only way to really know if your profile is working or not, is to put it out there, put it out into the world and see what happens. So if you haven’t done the profile starter kit, it is Free a dates and mates.com that can at least get you started and get you on an app. Any app, people always ask me what’s the best app, the best app is the one that gets you started and just see the feedback that you get. And this is kind of a low pressure time right now. Because we don’t know when we might actually be able to meet up again. In many places I’m in California, I mean, we gonna be locked down until like December it sounds like but wherever you are, you are going to be starting at least the beginning of the relationship virtually so it’s kind of low pressure right low presh just start Jacqueline and girl Don’t even worry about the nail salons and the the hair salons. I mean, I’m going through my own experience. My daughter was nice enough to point out my gray hairs to me, thank you very much today. But besides that one most people Men Jacqueline prefer lighter makeup they prefer a more natural look. Somehow we look at Instagram we think like, oh, Kylie looks great. We need to slather our face with makeup so that we can look like that with all the filters and and be a an unrealistic, unattainable vision of beauty. But it’s crazy because that’s not actually what most people are attracted to most people want the real thing. So I would say just be your authentic self. But just to give you a little peace of mind, remember we are putting our best foot forward on the first date. And if you haven’t heard my video training, on video chat dating, it is in our Patreon community patreon.com slash Jason mates Of course always in the show notes. But if you haven’t gotten there yet, I’ll just give you a reminder that on a video chat date not everything is on camera. I hope Jacqueline Not everything is on camera. So just worry about the parts that are actually going to be seen. Don’t worry so much about having everything in your house look perfect, and having every hair on your head in place. Just make sure look, you don’t even have to wear pants if you don’t want to.

 

Because if it’s not going to be seen, maybe it doesn’t matter if it makes you feel sexier. Don’t wear pants, just make sure you’re not moving around a lot and keep your phone propped up on the desk. That aside, you just want to be your authentic self in the end. So think about what’s going to be on camera, make sure that you know what that looks like. And then you might even want to try depending on the platform that you’re on. Taking the camera off yourself. It’s it can take a lot of the stress off of like staring at one at yourself while also trying to focus on the person in front of you. I wish you lots of luck, Jacqueline, and I can’t wait to hear about the virtual dates that you have coming up. One more question for today. This one came to me on Facebook. Young lady says a guy and I matched on Bumble prior to all of this happening, but we never got the chance to meet up. We have facetimed twice. First time was two hours. She says that’s pretty long for first time meetup. And we text and Instagram every day finding it hard now that it’s almost two months in to keep this conversation going beyond the daily Groundhog Day happenings. She means like the Hey, what’s up? How’s your day? How’s your day? We’re having the same conversation over and over again. Incidentally, I don’t know if you know, I just watched that movie. It was just maybe it was like on cable. Maybe that’s what it was on Netflix. I just watched that movie again. So it’s funny that you would reference it. Anyways. She says it’s also hard not to get emotionally invested when you talk daily and you don’t know where the other person stands. Like If they’re talking to other people, and you haven’t even met yet, so what position Are you in to ask any tips for keeping an open mind and things to chat about until we’ve had a chance to meet? So my initial advice is that, y’all, we got to keep it loose right now, we got to keep it loose during during quarantine, because we don’t know how long this is going to last. And your feelings are totally valid. you’re investing in this relationship that might be a fantasy relationship. You may know that, generally on dates and mates, I’ve said, Get offline as quickly as possible, have a few exchanges online. And then you move to a phone call, preferably or a video chat, and then you move to a date. But now we can’t move to a physical date. So you have moved to the facetiming. But all of this text and Instagram every day is giving you these bursts of adrenaline that are building up this person in your mind and what that connection will be when you meet and so that’s why it feels like a little bit of a lag. down because you, you’ve been in it for two months, and you don’t necessarily have anything to show for it. So you got to do one of two things. One, we need to rip the band aid off and find out where this person stands. And this is something that I find it’s so hard for people to do. But it’s so such a relief when you finally do it. If you just are saying like, Hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you in and I’m not really talking to anybody else are you? And then you can find out like really, really get to the bottom of what is that thing that’s eating away at you about this situation? And they might say, Oh, yeah, I’ve been chatting with other people but nothing serious like you or they might say like, Oh, I’m just having fun right now. Or they might say no, I’m absolutely not talking to anybody else. But that gives you information. And information is ultimately your friend. It’s been two months. So in real life, that is a significant amount of time and this is enough time for you to just get a sense of where you stand. What I will say, though, is that you need to FaceTime more than twice before you have that conversation. And this is the same advice I’ve given for long distance dating, you have to almost treat it as if you are dating in real life. And even in real life after two dates, I wouldn’t say necessarily stop dating other people. But you have to figure out what the situation is in the real world. So set up a an actual date, a FaceTime actual date, where you’re doing an activity together. I’m actually writing an article write this right now on this I don’t know if by the time this publishes it will be released or not. But I’m writing an article on 10 home quarantine data ideas, I’ll give you just like a couple of them. You can actually do sip and paint night virtually. You can do a trivia night, do 20 questions gamify the date, make it fun, so it’s not just like sitting there for two hours staring at one another, and then really see what this relationship is. But you have to always keep in the back of your mind that until you meet in person, this is still a fantasy relationship. But you know what? Right now we’re quarantined. Life is tough. Things are serious. Maybe we could all use a little bit more fantasy right now. That’s it for today’s show. It’s number 307 of dates in mates, y’all. I’m on all the socials at damona Hoffman. I love your questions. I really want to hear from you. So please let me know what’s on your mind. You can send me a question for this show. You can send me a question for NPR. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders, or send me a question for the la times maybe for all three. You can do this so easily just by giving me a call. leave me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 or shoot me an email Dimona at damona Hoffman calm you can just record a voice memo on your phone or email it over to me and you could be on NPR or on a future episode of dates and dates, just like Jacqueline. Thank you so much for listening. And by the way, if you’re ready to go deeper with me and you want access to that video chat dating training that I talked about earlier, or any other resources inside of our private community, I want to invite you inside the community, you can join me@patreon.com, slash dates and mates, it’s only five bucks a month. So I think that’s a small price to pay for an intimate relationship with me and the other dates and mates community members that’s patreon.com slash dates and mates. Do check the show notes for all the links that I discussed on today’s show. And for a cute little recap, with lovely gifts that producer Leo is top top notch at providing for us to help bring the dates and made show to life. Thank you so much for listening. Until next week, I wish you happy virtual dating

Blended Family & The Bumble Buzz

ARE YOU HIDING WHO YOU REALLY ARE?

If you met your ideal mate at one of the lowest points in your life, would you be prepared to accept their love?

My guests on Dates & Mates this week, Laura and Scott of The Only One In The Room Podcast, met in orientation on the first day of rehab.

You read that right. The first day of rehab.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

DATING DISH (3:01)

The signs your relationship is getting serious

Women and Glamour weigh in on what makes a relationship serious, and Damona tells you which ones are the most important

 

A new dating show at FOX you have to check out

This new dating show might just top every reality show ever. Here’s a hint: BabyMama.

 

Why Bumble wants you to date long distance

Bumble is now allowing you to match with ANYONE ANYWHERE in the US. That’s right. You’re dating pool just got bigger ladies and gents. Damona breaks it down. 

 

STOP PRETENDING (12:00)

“We got to meet at that place where everything was stripped away from us. And we were just Laura and Scott with this long backstory,” Scott says. “We’re both rescued from a shipwreck and we’re standing there looking at each other.”

I wanted this interview to be a part of my extraordinary love stories because Laura and Scott exemplify a few things that I find crucial in the development of a loving relationship

  • Not pretending to be someone you’re not in the beginning
  • Finding a relationship pace that works for you
  • Creating a healthy working relationship in everything they do

 

If you have ever met someone you felt a connection with, but it just didn’t seem like the right time, then this interview is for you.

Make sure to check out The Only One In The Room Podcast, one of Damona’s absolute favorite!

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email – I’m not your typical 53-year-old black woman: I have a lot of creativity, a master’s degree, I’m fit, I’m funny, attractive—I’m a catch! But I have always found dating online a real challenge. I feel like the cards are stacked against me. Each year for the past 3 years, I try out a new dating app, but after 3 or 4 months, I stop. I find I’m either dealing with scammers or pretty much no one at all. I reach out to folks and say hello, send a note, etc. I post a variety of pictures: here I am with friends, here’s a full body shot of me on my own, etc. I think I’m doing all the right things, but I don’t seem to get any play. What would you suggest I do to be more successful?
  • Email from Kevin – I’m an introvert, but am trying to learn how to approach in public places and to flirt. How can I know if the woman I’m attracted to is available?? I of course look for a ring, but it seems like it’s impossible to know for sure.

 

 

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

 

 

 

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.

Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for: 

  • an opportunity to work with Damona directly
  • to get quality advice that is tailored to your dating challenges
  • and to become part of a community that will help you find the healthiest, most loving relationships this year

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

I am so glad you came for your dose of love and inspiration, especially at a time when the world seems to be collectively in need of a great big hug. I’m here to support you and to remind you that someone cares. And we will get through this, even if we are apart. But together Together apart apart together. It’s been an exciting week over here in Dimona land, I’ve had some very compelling conversations about love and relationships post COVID-19 if we can allow ourselves to dream a little bit about what will happen in the next phase of this. You may have heard me a couple of weeks ago on the NPR show national conversation with all things considered. And if you listen to that, you heard me say that I think ultimately there is a silver lining, to this quarantine for dating and relationships. It’s going to help those of you who are coupled up truly see who your partner is. And it will expose the cracks in your relationship that you can choose to work on, or to walk away from. And for those of you who are dating, it’s going to result in us having to slow down, having to take our time and really see the person in front of us, instead of being caught up in the endless swipe. As part of our love story series. I have a couple today who were to ultimate practitioners of slow love. Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott Slaughter relationship began in the most unlikely of places, and it’s taken 13 years for them to get to where they are today. But before we talk to them, I’ll be discussing this week’s headline Including, what are the signs that your relationship is getting serious? And could a strange new dating show at Fox have a future? Plus? Why is Bumble encouraging you to date long distance? And then at the end of the show, as always, I’ll take on your questions, including a voicemail I received which will ask how will video chat dating impact your overall dating success? And is your health affecting your dating options? All that and more on today’s dates and mates. And now it’s time for the dish

Unknown Speaker  2:39  

these dating dish.

Damona  2:42  

Yahoo just share the exciting news that Bumble is encouraging you to date long distance. Now many of you have heard me say on this show that now that we’re in the time of quarantine and we’re all virtual dating. Maybe this is an opportunity to expand your dating criteria because If I know in LA traffic is a problem, and people that I’ve worked with here have had a hard time dating someone across town because it may take them an hour to get from one place to the other. So if you’re willing to date across town, why not date across the country, Bumble has introduced a few new virtual dating features in recent months. And now they actually have a virtual date badge, which allows you to match with anyone in the US regardless of your location. If you’ve used Bumble before, if you remember previously, users could only match with people in 100 mile radius. And so that’s why we’re getting a lot of like vacation dating and people hopping from one city to another and dating around there. But now you can set your distance filter to the whole country. They also you’ve heard on the show before they’ve added video chat dating and you can get to the video chat by adding that virtual date badge. And then after you add the badge You’ll be able to filter matches who are willing to date via video chat. Beyond that, they’re also adding the ability to send audio messages and respond to specific messages that way, which I think is really exciting. And some of you who have DM me in the past know that on Instagram, sometimes I like to leave a personal message rather than typing so that you know, it’s really me, I’m really sharing this advice with you. And it really adds a personal touch, which can be really helpful for you, if you’re also in that dating space. You know, we’ve talked about ghosting, you could still get ghosted on a video chat date. But when you become a voice, this is why I’ve always been a fan of the phone call. When you become a voice, you become something real, you move off the page and off the screen, and suddenly, you’re a real person. It gets that person much more invested into seeing what’s going to happen with you. But that’s not all folks. There are other reasons Why you want to add this virtual date badge if you’re using Bumble, they also are donating for every user that adds the virtual data badge. They’re adding up to $10,000 $1 for every person to the World Health Organization’s COVID-19 solidarity fund. And this is actually in addition to another hundred thousand dollars that Bumbles already donated to the World Health Organization fund. So I’d say y’all, you should do it. Why not right now in today’s world? And we’ll figure this all out later, like people keep asking me, what is going to happen when we come out of quarantine? And are these relationships going to work? And the truth is, I don’t want to lie to y’all. I don’t know. I don’t know. But I would say if you’re already going to be dating across town or dating virtually, why not expand your criteria a little more? Why not unlock some of these other features like video chat dating, audio messaging and make a donation to the World Health Organization fund. Because you can date and do good at the same time. Speaking of dating Oh, there’s a new dating show at Fox we’ve been jonesing like bachelor’s back and love is blind just blew our minds. Now there’s a new dating show coming at Fox. And you know, I mean Fox has the loudest raunchiest reality shows. And so as soon as I saw this headline on variety, I was like, Oh my god, what is this show gonna be? It’s a pregnancy dating show. And strangely, it stars Sex in the City alum Kristin Davis. The show is called labor of love. And it’s going to be about former bachelor contestant Christy Katzman who will be dating around trying to find a man and somebody that she could father a child with. It’s funny because you know Being in this dating and relationship, TV show world as well as a producer and host. All the time when I’m taking meetings like people were saying that the bar has been raised like ever since pretty much married at first sight where the stakes were so high, the stakes were and they’re going to marry a stranger and stay married for six weeks and see what happens. That became the bar and I kept thinking, how are they going to raise the bar from that like marrying a stranger?

Have a baby with a stranger?

Damona  7:30  

Why not? And Christie is up for it. She’s 41 years old. She says she’s ready to start a family now. They’re not going to lock her into having a baby with one of these guys. It’s not not quite that extreme. That would be that would be almost to the point of being cruel because nobody wants to have a baby with somebody. They can’t. They can’t stand down the road. So you got to filter effectively. If you’re you’re jumping into the parenting pool with the rest of us because it’s murky in here, y’all I’m not gonna lie. It’s murky, and it certainly helps if you have a partner who can swim and not think, but she might come out of this reality show they’re saying with a decision to parent on her own. And that’s what Kristin Davis said, interested her in being a part of the show that she wanted to remind women that they have a choice and you can choose what you want your life to be. If you want to have a baby and you don’t have a partner. You have that option too. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen. It premieres may 21 I’m sure we’ll be talking about it again on the show because I know y’all are gonna be watching it. It sounds like another one of those, those salacious Fox reality shows that you just can’t turn away from the project’s been in development for three years, which in development time is a heck of a long time. So they either really wanted to make the show or they really didn’t want to make the show, but either way, it’s getting eight episodes premiering may 21.

I also read an interesting article on it. glamour.com I wanted to get away from all the news being COVID specific news. And this article caught my eye the signs your relationship is getting serious, according to women, so they asked real women, what the signs were. And I gotta tell you, I’m about 5050 on this article, there was some really terrible advice in there. And it made me really concerned for women of what they think is a serious sign. And then there was some really great advice. So I’ll just give you my take on the yeses and noes and then of course, we will put the link in the show notes and I want to hear from you what you think the signs are, that your relationship is getting serious. So a 27 year old woman said when you get a pet or pets together, I was just talking about how you don’t want to parent with someone that you can’t stand. And I have seen a lot of pet situations go wrong and having to deal with pet custody with somebody that you weren’t even married to is not really Something that you need to be dealing with. So I would say no to that one. Another person said when you start wanting to stay in no honey, that’s just laziness that happens to all of us. We just get tired. And then we’re like, well, I got somebody, I don’t need to put as much effort into it. When they start talking about love. 24 year old said this, maybe, but a lot of times people talk about love when they’re not really feeling it yet. And people throw that word around a lot. When you plan your weekend around time together. That’s another maybe for me. I guess that’s saying you’re putting your partner first. And weekends are precious. But now what’s time anymore, as we’re in the quarantine. And the last one I was not so sure about was when you meet the parents because that can be something serious, but it also can just be circumstantial. The ones that I really want you to pay attention to, are when conversations begin with we instead of i a woman named Taylor, who’s 34 said that and I thought it was really brilliant. And that’s a big mindset shift when you’re in a relationship and you stop thinking of each other as individuals, and you start to think of the two of you as a unit. That’s been a really big turning point for a lot of my clients. So look out for those we, and also look out for what the 61 year old woman said, when being together feels like coming home. I thought that was so poetic and beautiful. That feeling, especially now that feeling of home and I can just relax and be myself around this person. Another one I loved was when you embrace their family as your own. When you really start to see that your circles are not independent, but they are together that’s again that that sense of we that’s a definite sign that things are headed in a serious direction. And when their family starts to feel like their life Your own. And then the last one I want to leave you with before we go into the break. Amanda who’s 32 said when you realize you care about their well being. I know that was a turning point in my own relationship that my husband was sick. And to me it was like, of course I would take care of him when he’s sick. And believe me, folks, it was bad. It was very bad. I saw it all. And he thought, wow, if she’s willing to stand with me through that, then she really, really cares. And I think throughout this quarantine and pandemic, as we all of our worst stuff is coming out. We’re really seeing what we’re made of and what our significant others are made of and what we really need in a relationship. So hopefully this is a clarifying time for you. Those are the headlines for the day. But we have so much more dates and made when we return. I’ll have Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter talking about their unusual love story. But first I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to review our show on Apple podcasts or on your favorite podcast platform. Shout out to Slingo Who says I’m so addicted to devote his podcast and advice. I take notes and even replay some of her shows often I love the masterclass series. She even responds to my i g dm, see, I just told you guys I respond to the DMS I might even leave you a voice message. So keep the messages coming. Thanks so much Slingo. A single also says, thanks to Mona I’m thinking I’ll be done with this dating real soon. I sure hope that for you and I hope that for everyone who’s listening but I want you to still listen for relationship tips. And for you to please keep sharing this show with your friends who need this kind of advice. We have a lot of broken hearts in the world right now. And we need to keep spreading our love and positivity. We will have more dates inmates in just a moment.

Today we are talking to Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter and incredible powerhouse couple and one of my favorite couples in podcasting. together. They host the only one in the room podcast, but they’re also both individually super accomplished people. Laura is a freelance writer, a speaker and an advocate for diversity. You’ve seen her work in Huffington Post, she has several pieces that have gone viral there. And as the US contributor for Italian news magazine, Scott is also an accomplished individual himself. He’s an international traveler, producer, and photographer Laura and Scott met in the most unlikely of places in rehab. They both started on the same day, and Laura ran out of the room thinking that she hadn’t made the biggest mistake of her life coming there. And Scott ran after her, though they didn’t actually start dating and rehab. Which was a no no there that that chance meeting did lead to a deep friendship that ended up evolving into love. Please help me welcome them to the show and let’s get big. smooches to Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter. Welcome to the show. I got to give two sandwiches today. Yes, you did. I’m excited. I’m so excited that you’re joining me. I had the great pleasure of meeting Laura at the podcast movement conference. And I mean, I can see what you saw and this lady Scott because the minute I met her I was like, she is a radiant source of light. She’s amazing.

Unknown Speaker  15:42  

I know she’s lovely moment. I saw her.

Damona  15:45  

So tell us a little bit about how you met your your love story how we got to today,

Unknown Speaker  15:51  

huh? I’m gonna let Laura lead on. I always get corrected when I tell the story.

Unknown Speaker  15:55  

That’s not true.

Damona  15:56  

Let’s do it. He said. She said okay, Laura. Your turn.

Unknown Speaker  16:01  

Well, ours is a pretty unique story. Just about 12 years ago, I was at the end of a battle with a really gnarly drug and alcohol addiction. I was in the middle of a divorce and I was looking at the possibility of losing custody of my two boys. So I decided to go to treatment

Unknown Speaker  16:27  

at a place called the meadows in wickenburg, Arizona,

Unknown Speaker  16:30  

and it was battling a heavy alcohol addiction um, some drugs but mainly alcohol at that time in my life. I was a about two years out of a Separation, Divorce, had two young girls and had a dear friend who was tired of seeing me drink myself to death. So she loaded me on a plane and took me to lo and behold wickenburg Arizona for treatment. And that same morning that Laura walked in, I walked in as well, unknowing who she was What I was about to experience when we were in that orientation class, and I heard her tell her story. I was struck with her immediately. But I absolutely felt like I knew her. Honestly, the minute I saw her, and I couldn’t really identify those thoughts. I just could not stop staring at her during the meeting. And when she got up to leave, I decided to just get up and leave as well. And I walked out and I followed her. And she was immediately annoyed. Yeah.

Damona  17:27  

That’s how all great love stories start, right?

Unknown Speaker  17:29  

Yeah, annoying, right. Oh,

Damona  17:31  

but she wasn’t annoyed with you. She was Yes. annoying.

Unknown Speaker  17:34  

Oh, she was okay. Okay. She tells us. I think I tapped you on the shoulder.

Unknown Speaker  17:39  

yet. Well, I feel you following me, which also annoyed me. And I thought you weren’t there. And then when you got up to me, I saw that you didn’t work there. And I was like, What does he want? And you tapped me on the shoulder and you said I’m really sorry to hear about your divorce and and then we talked Hot and you know, I, I my memory is money at this time there is certain things that stand out. And that’s one of them.

Damona  18:08  

I know a little bit about rehab, I do have some family members who’ve struggled with addiction for a long time. So I don’t know a lot, but I seem to remember one of the rules of rehab is that you’re not supposed to date people there.

Unknown Speaker  18:24  

We didn’t date in rehab, per se. We just kind of hung out. And

Unknown Speaker  18:32  

and I think I think that was a saving grace that something happened for us because we were able to bond his friends for so long. Yeah, for almost a month and get to know one another outside of this, you know, physical attraction or whatever that looks like at the time. But we were actually able to be there for one another in a way that I think normally we wouldn’t have listened to. Yeah,

Damona  18:55  

I think going through an experience like that with somebody who helps you along. The way it has to bond you for life, whether romantic or not, but you came you were living in different cities. So how did it work? After you left rehab? How were you able to form a relationship? Did you date long distance? Initially? Well,

Unknown Speaker  19:16  

again, dating is not quite the word I would use but because I was I was still not divorced yet. We were talking on the phone all the time. Yeah. After about 30 days back to Utah.

Unknown Speaker  19:29  

She came back to Los Angeles, we started you know, chatting.

Unknown Speaker  19:33  

It wasn’t just chatting. We were intentionally like he was my lifeline. I called him all the time I called him at night after I put my kids to bed. I didn’t know how I was going to stay sober. And that was the other thing is I had a lot on the line. Getting lost or getting loaded on a guy might have derailed my, my my agenda, which was to be the best mom I could be for my kids to keep custody of them. To have a decent relationship with my ex husband. And for either of those two work, I had to stay sober. So I knew that I couldn’t like lose my mind over this man.

Damona  20:11  

Yeah, but at what point did you start to have more than platonic feelings? Oh, is there a moment? Is there a memory that you have where you were like, huh?

Unknown Speaker  20:24  

and smiling. You can’t see that.

Unknown Speaker  20:27  

I, I would say, you know, how, like, you watch a reality show, and they’re, you know, sequester together for 30 days or whatever. And you think there’s no way they could have that much of a bond in that that faster time is just not reality doesn’t work. So I, the bond that I formed with Scott felt like those bonds that I see on reality shows when people kind of fall in love, so I definitely had those feelings for him in treatment. I think I felt bonded to him that way. I just, I felt like I loved him, but I didn’t know if it would if it would stand the test of reality, you know, being that we did live in two different states, we are vastly different in our backgrounds, you know, besides the fact that he’s white, and I’m black. He’s like an outdoorsman. And I’m the city mouse. You want nothing to do with the outside?

Unknown Speaker  21:26  

And you know, and I think demonic like that is one of the things that’s really curious that, that I, I’ve looked at as we go along in this relationship, and I see other people is that the things that I was attracted to her were not the normal things that I would be attracted to, and in a relationship that didn’t work from the past. And I was curious about who she was, without all the other stuff, you know, where she had come from, what she did what she looked like, I didn’t know that at the time. And I think that that’s why we were like, you know, you were like Oh, I can see what you were attracted to. And you would think I would look at her and be like, holy cow. She’s so beautiful, which was one piece of it. But there was this other just deep curiosity about who she was. That that didn’t check all the boxes right off. Oh,

Damona  22:16  

yeah. All my listeners right now are nodding their heads because they’re like damona always talks about being led by curiosity. So you thank you for being my guest. But at a certain point, curiosity gets you so far, and then you have to get into the reality. And you each have kids, you’re in different places, blending of family and deciding to be together and take that next step from like, sort of fantasy to everyday reality. What was that like for you?

Unknown Speaker  22:52  

Well,

Unknown Speaker  22:54  

it’s still happening. Right.

Unknown Speaker  22:58  

So squatters don’t. So Scott moved to Los Angeles about a month or two after we left treatment and stayed in a sober living

Unknown Speaker  23:09  

a year and a half.

Unknown Speaker  23:10  

And then and then moved to another.

Unknown Speaker  23:14  

Another house after that.

Unknown Speaker  23:17  

I stayed in my home, or I have been with my husband and my kids. My husband was not there anymore, but I stayed there. So we that’s when we started dating. We dated for six years. Well, living in separate places. Yeah.

Damona  23:32  

Slow love again. Ding, ding, ding.

Unknown Speaker  23:35  

I’m always talking about that.

Unknown Speaker  23:36  

Oh, and people would tell me like, you know, you’re going to want to move in, you’re going to want to say like, anytime that I went through the insecurity of where it was our relationship, I would always feel like, you know, he let’s move in, because that’ll make it you know, so that we’re together. But I would resist that feeling and we would continue to put our family first. In perspective recoveries first before we put ourselves first or our needs first. That seemed to guide us for a long time. First, there were a number of times where I wished that we lived together. But I was glad we didn’t make that move, because it really allowed us to get to know each other in a way that I don’t think would have happened if we had jumped in out of a financial convenience or an emotional and security like,

Damona  24:20  

yeah, let’s talk about that, too. Because a lot of times on the show, I’ve talked about moving in together and like I hosted a show for ad networks, called the question of love, where we did just what you’re talking about, we moved the couples in together for 30 days to work with me and determine if this relationship was going to make it or if somebody had to move out like super high stakes. But I always said and when I blogged for that show, I talked about all of the questions you need to ask yourself and your partner before you decide to move in and what a disaster it is to move in together out of the reasons that you said like financial convenience or because Well, you’re getting tired of the commute to their house. So what was your thought process when you finally decided to move in? And Blender families? How did you set yourself up for success? Well,

Unknown Speaker  25:17  

I say one one thing right off the bat is Scott and I are each financially independent. And we keep it that way. So that is helpful for me.

Unknown Speaker  25:30  

It’s so there isn’t any

Unknown Speaker  25:34  

any need to rely on him that way or vice versa? You know, I had a terrible experience growing up with a stepfather who wasn’t who didn’t like me and and maybe took advantage of every opportunity to show me that it Scott is so not that guy. He’s not that guy at all, but I didn’t want to Post anyone on my boys who were still, you know, tender from the fact that their parents weren’t living together anymore. They were like eight and 10 then so you know, it was really easy to, to put them first and that way and created an environment where they felt really safe and and kind of let them get to know Scott through visits or dinners. We started taking trips with his daughters and my kids, we started putting them down. We started blending them that way, like what once every summer we short trips, short trips. And then they got longer and longer and then our kids started asking for them. And they became started asking to see one another. And they became this tradition. You know, we started driving from one end of the country to the other during the summer with our families.

Unknown Speaker  26:51  

Either way, yes, a Chicago down to New Orleans for Wow, yeah, we would each get a van and stay in a hotel. All together. So we Yeah, that became we did that for years.

Unknown Speaker  27:03  

For years. We just we just haven’t done it the last couple years because college and high school schedules haven’t allowed it. But But yeah, we, we so we, we did it really slowly. So I don’t know for me that there was one moment where I was like, it’s time, let’s blend.

Unknown Speaker  27:20  

I think that meeting and rehab gave us was the ability to not be in a relationship based on the other’s potential. We didn’t see each other as you know, she’ll be a great partner or that we were absolutely kind of opened up at the core of who we were. And I think we bonded at that place. So we knew we already knew each other at a place where I had never known anybody else. So as we got to know one another, we always had that point of reference, right? Like most relationships work the other way where you present yourself in this really formal fashion, your agent,

Unknown Speaker  27:57  

your representative into the relationship.

Unknown Speaker  28:00  

Were they presented like, here’s what I do. And here’s what I have. And here’s what I like. And here’s what I want. And here’s, you know, and then as you get to know them, you get to you get closer and closer to the real person who, here’s where I am when everything is terrible, do you still love me? And we got to meet at that place where everything was stripped away from us. And we were just, we were Lauren Scott with this long backstory. And I honestly think is as big as our lives have gotten in the last 12 years, we still have that place. Like you said, that strong place that we bond like, like a shipwreck, right? We’re both rescued from a shipwreck, and we’re standing there looking at each other. Like, Tell me your story. How did you get here?

Damona  28:39  

There’s also something to be said for secrets in a relationship, right? A lot of people ask me, when should I talk about my divorce or when should I reveal my struggle with addiction or whatever deep dark thing that we have shame around that we’ve locked away that we don’t want To let out on a first date or a second date, or even years into a relationship. So there’s something to be said for putting all the messy stuff on the table in the beginning, and then sort of rebuilding working backwards from there. Absolutely. I mean, that’s exactly what it was. We were, you know, totally stripped down.

Unknown Speaker  29:23  

You know, me literally, like, no one to do my hair or my nails.

Unknown Speaker  29:28  

Kind of like right now, right? It’s just

Unknown Speaker  29:31  

the other day this is the only other time in my life that I haven’t gotten my nails done for this longest when I was in treatment, or my rooms

Unknown Speaker  29:40  

and you know, I honestly like this has not been you know, I think all of us been quarantined with the person we love. It’s been really a challenge for everyone. It’s new, right? We normally have a place to run an escape but I there are moments when I absolutely Look at her and say I’m so glad that I’m doing this with you.

Unknown Speaker  29:56  

Yeah.

Damona  29:58  

Oh, I feel the same way. And I, like I said to my husband last night, if we can make it through this, we can literally make it through anything. Now let’s let’s move that’s fast forward in your relationship, because I know you’re both creatives. And you have this wonderful podcast, the only one in the room. Thank you. Work together. Yeah, no, it’s it’s fantastic. And just for those of you who haven’t gotten a chance to hear it yet, it’s Laura and Scott having these really deep, intimate conversations with someone who has that has had that experience of being the only only one in the room. Laura, can you talk a little bit about what inspired that podcast and then also, I want to hear from both of you about the creative process of working together because that adds a whole other layer

Unknown Speaker  30:54  

Isa days. Yeah. So the the The short answer is the I wrote an article for huffpost in October of 2018, about being the only black person at a 600 person retreat, and the article went viral. And when it did, I started immediately getting comments and direct messages. I counted there were 568. Total in about a week. And yeah, it was I had never experienced anything like that. I haven’t experienced anything like that sense that a lot of the the comments and messages were hashtag the only one in the room. Also, most of them weren’t from black people, which shocked me. I thought this was going to be an article that black people would say, Oh, yeah, I’ve been that. I understand that feeling. That well. What happened was everybody It seemed to be the majority of the people took my race out of it and just identified with the feelings of being or feeling others. And so I was in a class at the time of podcasting class. I just wanted to learn more about podcasting. So, for my class project, I did the only one in the room as as a an idea for a project and recorded a trailer for it. That was our the culmination of the class at kcrw W, which is a local public radio here and in Los Angeles, and, and someone I posted a picture of me recording the trailers. A good friend of mine from a long time ago site asked me if he could be a guest on the show. When I launched and I like, I don’t know if I’m really doing a show. And he says, Oh, you should you should talk to my friend who has a podcasting network. So I set up a meeting With her name is Alison Marino, and she is she and she does the advertising. She sells advertising for our podcast and about 16 others. And I was sitting in bed with Scott, you know, emailing her back and forth and I turned to him and I’m like, hey, if I do this, you’re gonna have to produce it for me. And he was like,

Unknown Speaker  33:24  

Okay. I Well,

Unknown Speaker  33:26  

no idea what I was getting into.

Unknown Speaker  33:28  

And, you know, the thing about Scott is, he is exactly the opposite of me, in that he is this empath. And, you know, he leads with his heart. In his head, he has, you know, he can sense someone’s state of mind from when they walk into the room without even really looking at them. He can just tell how they’re doing. I’m I’m cerebral. I’m you know, I work out of In my head, I do everything that way. So he’s a good Yin to my Yang, and that. And he’s also super organized. And, you know, I came from film, film and television years ago, and I know that the best producers are people that are organized. So

Unknown Speaker  34:18  

I thought it’d be a great idea.

Unknown Speaker  34:22  

And was it a great idea as a team player? So I said, Yes. Some days, it’s a good idea. Some days, I’m like, this is my job. I guess what I didn’t understand was that producing is every great idea you have you have to put into play. And I didn’t know that. So I’ll come up with some great idea. And she’ll be like, Yeah, why don’t you go do that? Ah,

Damona  34:47  

it’s a lot of work.

Unknown Speaker  34:47  

But I think that I there was a point where I was trying, I was really a little bit jealous of what was going on because she was getting so much attention. She was pursuing the things that she wanted, and I had the chance of whether or not was whether or not I was going to be a part of that. Or I was going to go do my own thing. And through the course of some soul searching, I decided that being a part of it would be more of a blessing, like the challenges of learning how to work together might be easier than me heading off in my own direction and trying to do something for myself.

Damona  35:21  

Wait, and I just want to pause there, Scott, because you said something really profound and you kind of breezed over it. So I don’t even know if you realize how profound it was. But you said, you were feeling a little bit jealous, which is a very brave thing to admit, in a relationship. And sometimes partners get into this dynamic where they are in competition with each other and you had a choice to either be in competition with your lady or to support

Unknown Speaker  35:53  

her. That was absolutely where I was, and I have a few men in my life that are evolved and when I change Turn to them and ask them what I should do. They were like, why wouldn’t you want to help support her? And I thought, and I had to get honest, like you said, with myself and say, is it just that I’m insecure? Or is it you know, that I’m afraid of being a part of something bigger. So I sort of have determined that my job in life my goal, my true ambition is to lift others out. And I saw this as an opportunity to lift her up.

Unknown Speaker  36:26  

This is why I love him.

Damona  36:28  

It’s amazing. You both are amazing. I, I am so honored that you took the time, especially right now, to sit down and chat with me about your story. If we could leave our listeners with just one piece of advice. There are a lot of people listening, men and women who are single and right now feeling rather lonely, and maybe not the most optimistic that love will be there for them on the other side of this and you both have been, you’ve come from a very dark place to be able to find love and build this beautiful relationship. I’d love to get just one piece of advice from each of you. For our listeners,

Unknown Speaker  37:12  

go to rehab.

Unknown Speaker  37:16  

No kidding,

Damona  37:17  

just find a thing.

Unknown Speaker  37:22  

I’ll tell you that.

Unknown Speaker  37:25  

Because of the way Scott and I met,

Unknown Speaker  37:29  

I had to fight every instinct that I have, I think to protect myself. By fronting by showing them something or it’s showing them versions of myself instead of the whole me. Because of how we met I wasn’t able to do that and I still fight

Unknown Speaker  37:48  

to

Unknown Speaker  37:50  

to be be myself That sounds so trite, but it’s true. I fight not to keep part of myself hidden or see critter edit myself in front of him when I’m with them, and it’s really obvious to me that is a battle worth fighting because when he sees me the way that I am, he loves me even more. And it’s really evident. So I think for me, my advice would be to, you know, obviously not to vomit all over somebody during the front date and tell them first date and tell them everything. But to resist that urge to edit yourself into front and to present a version of yourself that might be more attractive or more palatable to whoever it is that you’re interested in and, and just be who you are and be confident about that confidence. Is that the sexiest thing ever.

Unknown Speaker  38:48  

It is

Damona  38:48  

and you you basically Yeah, summed up my tagline love as you are. That’s what it’s about. Be yourself and let that attract the right person for you. And sometimes the timeline is Short, sometimes it’s 13 years. But Scott, what about you? What what wisdom Can you impart? Well, I think I just have

Unknown Speaker  39:08  

to go with what she said, I think, you know, my as a man, I think what we do when we come to relationships is we try to protect authentically who we are. And I think the gifts that I got with Laura was to be who I was authentically and give her a chance to make a choice of whether that was good or bad. You know, I think when you withhold who you are authentically from anyone, you’re not giving them the choice to to love you or to or to not love you. And every time that I showed a piece of who I was to her, she embraced it more. And, And to me, that’s true intimacy. You know, I think men often think that intimacy is sex and I think intimacy is trust, you know, it’s and it, like I said earlier, it’s either you’re going to get there in the beginning or you’re going to wait a long time to get to that place where you have to be out there. don’t recruit someone and you have to be loved. And it seems at this point in my life to be more courageous and be authentic in the beginning.

Damona  40:08  

Yeah, it can be very scary, but seems based on your story that it’s well worth the reward. Thank you so much for being here. Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter. I hope everyone will check out the only one in the room podcast and keep speaking your truth and sharing your stories. Thank you so much. Thank you, damona. I’m back and here with answers to your questions. Here’s the first one which came to me in a voicemail.

Unknown Speaker  40:42  

Hi Dimona, this is Debra from Raleigh, North Carolina. And my question is, do you think getting to know someone via video chat will have any impact on long term relationship success compared to the usual way of dating in person first, thanks a lot.

Damona  41:00  

dabra This is such a great question. And I wish I could predict the future. I mean, I can a little bit but I don’t do it on this show too often. I’m not sure overall, how it will impact our long term relationship success. But the best predictor of what’s going to happen in the future is what happened in the past. So if we look at how relationships have been successful, we talked about it on this show. We’ve talked about it on previous episodes. Slow love does win. So the fact that we are having to take it slower, and we’re having to have these deeper conversations without having physical intimacy, Y’all better not be having physical intimacy with people that you’re just meeting because you’re supposed to be quarantined. I think you are, but assuming that you’re still just chatting back and forth, or video chat dating. There still is room for surprise now The possibly negative side of this you’ve also heard me say on the show that sometimes when you are chatting with someone on the phone or messaging back and forth just over emails, or DMS or text or what have you, you start to develop an impression of the person that may or may not really exist in real life. And that could be that could be problematic, because once you move offline, the person is then competing with this fantasy idea in your head of who they might be. And it’s different video chat can’t quite get you the same feeling as you would get being in the same room with this person. Because remember, part of building chemistry is also eye contact, which is not ever great over video chat. And it’s also that physical contact. You’ve heard Talk I think on my flirting masterclass, I talked about how to escalate through physical touch, and you don’t have that. But what you do have is if you’ve built a deep connection, you have that desire that’s built up. And that anticipation of meeting that may fuel the the adrenaline and the oxytocin and all those great love hormones on the first date. So I don’t know, but I can tell you from clients I’ve had who have dated long distance and literally followed this exact same path, which was meet online, start talking on the phone first and then move very quickly to video chat. So you can see that that person really is who they say they are, and that you still have a rapport face to face, and then meet in person I try to say as soon as possible most of my successful international couples have met within the first eight weeks Updating which we’re still looks like potentially going to be within that window. And I have many, many success stories that have worked this way. But you have to do you have to do what I what I recommend in terms of setting up those video chat dates for success and setting them up like a real date. If you want more details on that I go into it in much more depth. In the Patreon group I just posted a couple weeks ago, a video chat dating tutorial. So if you want to join into the Patreon group, it’s only five bucks to join at the entry level and you’ll get access to that video, and many more videos patreon.com slash dates and mates. One more question before we go for today. Danielle says Hi, I love your podcast. Hi Danielle. She says I’m 44 and I’ve been divorced for 34 three years. I almost said 30 years. She said she’s been divorced for three years. And she has two teenage sons. She says I have a few year long relationships and lots of flings, but nothing lasting. I have a serious medical problem that I’ve been dealing with. Over the last two years, I’ve had two life threatening pulmonary embolisms, and now I’m on long term blood thinners. It’s difficult for me to know at what point I need to disclose this health issue when dating, if I say it too soon, I feel like I’m asking for someone to take care of me which I’m not. And if I wait too long, I found find out that they may not be up for it. And then I’ve wasted my time. In this time of the COVID-19 quarantines it has been especially difficult as part of my symptoms are dry cough and fatigue, which then scares people off what would you suggest? So Danielle, wow, this is a very specific situations so I’m gonna, I’m gonna break it down for you. But I’m also going to broaden it out first. For anyone who was dealing with a health condition, a disability

or a mental health challenge, anything up an STI, anything that is essentially private health information.

If it is not something that is visible like if you have there are some disabilities that if you don’t address it, people will start to wonder or get uncomfortable about it or have questions and you don’t want the questions to get out ahead of what you have to say. So if there are questions, you think that would come up? I would say go ahead and answer it. I think I’ve talked about on the show before how I had a client who had a pretty pronounced speech impediment. And so I would say to him to use that as part of it like I’m sorry, I I have a speech impediment and I stutter around beautiful women, which then gives that person explains so there not asking the question but it also gives them the the compliment and the sense that they are, you’re really excited to be speaking with with them. And that there’s something special about this connection that’s making you share that. Now, if you have something like, I don’t know a lot about a pulmonary embolism, but it sounds like it’s something that you deal with silently. That is not something that they would necessarily know unless they were spending a lot of time with you, that I believe falls under the category of information that needs to be earned by the right person. And you’ve probably heard me say on the show before, that when you go on a new date, you can’t just put all your stuff out on the table. There’s this feeling like we got to put it all out there. And if they still like me after all that, then it’s true love or if they run away, then it was meant to be and you have to remember that people need information. On a timeline that makes them care about the information they care about, you want to do the right thing. So if it’s too much up front, I’m not surprised that you’re saying, Daniel that sometimes they are like, I’m not up for this, and they run away. Because what they’re really saying, Let’s really break this down what they’re really saying, when they say I’m not up for that is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I fall in love with you, and then something happens, what will that mean for me? And so then it’s like, this is a risky journey to take. And I mean, you know, because you live it every day. Yes, there are risks and yes, it’s it’s scary, but it’s a situation you’re in no matter what you didn’t get to choose. So if someone gets to choose, like, if you got to choose whether you have this situation or not, would you choose it? And I imagine the answer is probably no, but you’re in it now. So you need somebody that is willing To go the distance with you, and gets invested in the outcome of the relationship. So I can’t give you an exact timeline on when to share that. But I would say that’s a little bit further down the line that’s maybe four or five dates in or if there’s a situation where like, they need to know if you’re going out. If you’re going, let’s project to the future, we’re able to leave our houses, you’re going on a weekend trip and something could potentially happen and you need them to know what to do. If that happens, then it would be important to share that information but you share information on dates on a need to know basis, if it will increase intimacy, if it is something that would change the outcome of the date. If it’s something that they must know to be able to date you. Then you share it, but if it’s something where it could potentially push them away, and it isn’t something that you would share with a stranger at a cocktail party Then maybe it’s not something that you should be sharing on a first or second or third date. But, Danielle, if you’ve had a few year long relationships, and you’ve been divorced for three years, and you had you have two beautiful teenage sons, so you had a, you had a relationship that worked for a time, you’ve had other relationships that worked for a time, I’d say, girlfriend, you are doing something, right. And a lot of times people come to me frustrated with dating and saying, Well, I haven’t met the one. And I’m no good at dating. And then I look at their relationship past and they say, Well, I had this long term relationship. And I met this person on a dating app and we dated for six months. Those are successes. So don’t be afraid also to celebrate your successes, but then look at the areas in which you can improve and look at times in the past, look at the past behaviors when you did share that information, how it came came across, and how it was received. And see if you can then iterate the way that you say it. The timing that You share it. And when the right one is in front of you, not only will they understand Danielle, but they will embrace you for it and let you know that they’re going to be there for you. No matter what.

That’s it for today’s episode. I hope you enjoyed. I am at damona Hoffman on all the socials. I would love for you to send me a DM and it could be a comment on the show or a question. But it’s really what keeps me going and keeps me making the show in quarantine because I know I know y’all are counting on me. You’re counting on the show, to keep giving you that uplifting love story and the advice and so I’m going to keep doing it as long as I can and as long as you keep showing up for me, so do DM me or you can leave me a voicemail as Deborah did. You can leave that at 424-246-6255 even better yet why not become I’m a part of the Patreon community. And I have tons of bonus content, I’ll be doing some live q&a, I’ll be doing also a lot of additional content, you get access to the library of dates and mates, which is seven and a half years deep on most of the podcast platforms, you can only access the last hundred episodes. So if you want to go deeper with me, I invite you to join the community that’s just for our dates and mates, podcast listeners and those people that are really ready for more and ready to see what can happen in their love life if they’re willing to go to the next step. That’s at patreon.com slash dates and mates. The link will be in the show notes and I hope you will join me there until next week. I wish you good health, lots of love and of course, happy dating

Prenup Regret & International Love

DID YOU KNOW WHAT 21% OF MARRIED COUPLES ARE INTERNATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS?

According to a new study by Rapid Visa, 21% of married couples are born to a foreign-born spouse and most of them were long-distance at some point or other.

In light of these stats, the week’s episode of Dates & Mates is dedicated to encouraging daters like you to consider an international, multi-cultural, and/or long-distance relationship.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

DATING DISH (2:33)

You could have had it all, Adele.

Have you heard the rumors about Adele’s insanely expensive divorce settlement? According to recent reports, Adele will pay her ex, Simon Koneki, $140 million of her $190 million net worth. This is why we always get a prenup, friends.

Will your new relationship survive the pandemic?

We read this story in Glamour from a woman who is concerned about communication and emotional connection right now. Listen, things are difficult for dating right now but it doesn’t mean that your new relationship can’t flourish. Damona gives tips on how to keep the romance alive.

LONG-DISTANCE LOVE (12:00)

Damona covers a few interesting stats from this RapidVisa study:

  • Over 55% of these married couples met online
  • Many met over social media – around 80% of these couples met on Facebook
  • Where people meet IRL
  • And more!

Then we talk to 3 different couples who now live here in the United States but met the love of their lives in pretty unorthodox places

  • A bar in London.. on Valentine’s Day
  • A work trip to Nicaragua
  • A personals ad in a foreign country

Since all dating is long-distance dating right now, you might as well learn something from these insanely inspiring couples.

There is a lot to be learned from the love stories of couples like Alex and Kate, James and Pria, and Dr. Tonny and Lillian, we’ve decided to kick off a whole series with dating advice from couples who are not certified experts in love.

In the next few weeks, I’m going to deep dive into some pretty interesting love stories and get down to the bottom of why their relationships work.

Next week’s couple? They met in rehab.

We am so excited for you to hear these unorthodox love stories and really break down the lessons that you can apply to your own love story.

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email – I’m not your typical 53-year-old black woman: I have a lot of creativity, a master’s degree, I’m fit, I’m funny, attractive—I’m a catch! But I have always found dating online a real challenge. I feel like the cards are stacked against me. Each year for the past 3 years, I try out a new dating app, but after 3 or 4 months, I stop. I find I’m either dealing with scammers or pretty much no one at all. I reach out to folks and say hello, send a note, etc. I post a variety of pictures: here I am with friends, here’s a full body shot of me on my own, etc. I think I’m doing all the right things, but I don’t seem to get any play. What would you suggest I do to be more successful?
  • Email from Kevin – I’m an introvert, but am trying to learn how to approach in public places and to flirt. How can I know if the woman I’m attracted to is available?? I of course look for a ring, but it seems like it’s impossible to know for sure.

 

 

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

 

 

 

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WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers. Welcome to Dayton mates. Well, we’ve made it. Well, we’ve made it this far at least, the Hoffman household has officially been quarantined together for a full month. And everyone’s still here. You know, my husband and I looked at each other last night and we said, if we can get through this, we can get through anything. And I offer that to you my listeners as well. I’m here for you. And we are going to get through this together. Every week, I’ll be making more dates and dates, and maybe even doing some special content for my patreon friends with benefits and special bonus episodes. So keep tuning in. stay subscribed, and I have more love common attic because everybody needs more love right now, the next few episodes are going to be a little different than usual. Rather than talking to experts and giving advice, I want to inspire you with different kinds of love stories. I’m choosing to look at Corona time as we call it in my house as a unique opportunity to expand outside our comfort zone. And today, I’m hoping to inspire you to explore dating and relationships in unexpected places, perhaps even on the other side of the world. This year, census data showed us that 21% of married couples in the US are married to a foreign born spouse. So we’re going to talk to three couples who will share their amazing love stories and we’re also going to break down a study that tells you exactly how to find your own foreign But first, we’ve got headlines. Today I’ll be dishing about the week’s news including what you can learn from Adele’s expensive divorce. And can your new relationship survive Coronavirus? Then we’ll be answering your questions including Why do you keep striking out on dating apps? And how do you know that the person you’re attracted to is available? All that and more on today’s dates and mates? Let’s hit these headlines.

Damona  2:36  

Now you may have heard that Adele and her baby daddy aka ex husband are officially over but did you hear about the terms of this divorce settlement? If you heard them, they may not be so correct because the the documents have been sealed at Adele’s request, but Rumor has it that he’s getting 140 million dollars of her reported 190 million dollar net worth. Here’s what I’m wondering all. Now if you she was already big when she married him. If you already had that many assets and you had that much that you’d worked so hard to build, why wouldn’t you want to protect it? I cannot understand being so madly in love with someone that you would just throw caution to the wind assume you’re going to be together forever and not do a prenup. I know a lot of my listeners, y’all been working, you have put money away you have assets that are yours. You don’t want somebody coming in and taking that from you. So this is going to be a hard learned lesson for Adele. But you know if she was signing any kind of an agreement for her music, she would have her lawyers on that in a second. So we want to stay positive And hopeful about love. But we also want to be realistic when there’s so much money at stake. And I’m sure this is going to be a very difficult time for Adele and for Simon, but maybe they can dry their tears with all that money. I read this very interesting article and glamour, one of my favorite publications Will my new relationship survive the pandemic. Of course, with all stories, we will put the links in the show notes at dates and maids calm. But this was about a woman who started dating a guy a couple months ago and I’ve heard a similar story from many of my listeners who’ve written in to the show. Their last eight happen right before everything shut down. This is a hard time to start a new relationship. So I want to give you a couple tips if you find yourself in the situation of this author. Texting is a lousy way to build a relationship. You have heard me say on the show before that texting is for information and not conversation in the earliest Part of the relationship but I just want to clarify, I don’t just mean pre first date, or even after first date, I mean as you are getting to know someone. So try to get off texting as much as you can if you’re finding yourself in a new, new relationship. And also remember that slow Love is the way to go. We have a lot of time ahead of us that we need to fill. So why not take it slow with someone new, and see what can happen in the end and it may not work out. But don’t project ahead to where you think it’s going. Try to stay in the moment, just as I say on a first date. Try to stay in the moment of now and look for the moments of magic. Practice that slow love. You’ll hear more about slow love with our couples today. And in the next segment, I will prove to you that long distance relationships really can work. But before I give you a super important tip for loving the time of Corona I want to shout out a couple of our listeners who took the time to write to me this week about how much they love the show. Nicole says she listens while running. She’s probably listening to this in her headphones right now running down the street. And she says that the show is so helpful to her. Dave also wrote to say that he heard the most recent episode, and all of the episodes and see originally learned of dates and maids. Hello, Dave. And Casey, thank you for tagging me on your story about your dating challenges. Casey says she hates memes from guys that she doesn’t even know I don’t know if you agree. I’m kind of a fan of memes, Casey. But I get it if you don’t know that person yet. And you don’t understand their sense of humor or vice versa. It can be too much too soon. How do you listen to dates and mates? What tips have been helpful for you? I would love for you to DM me or post a story like Casey and tag me at damona Hoffman and now before we share these inspiring long distance love stories, let me give you some important advice.

 

In today’s world, you might find love in unexpected places. You’ve heard me say on the show before that, not only do you have more choice in dating than ever before, your dating pool has expanded from your local community, to anyone anywhere in the world. Over the past 30 years k one fiance visas have increased by an unbelievable 75% and recent census data reveals that 21% of all married couple households in the US have at least one foreign born spouse. Today I’ll be sharing the stories and advice from three couples who met someone who lived in another country and are now building a life with them together in America. Just a little context. Before we begin on international relationships, this is based on a study by rapid visa. I know you’re wondering where are people meeting someone abroad, you assume that they’re meeting them online, which is largely true 55% of applicants first met online. But when you’re saying online, we’re just talking about dating sites and dating apps. We’re not even including social media in that. And it turns out that Facebook supports over 80% of all social media meeting stories. And that means a couple of things that they are a part of people meeting but also that they’re a part of people communicating. So a lot of times when people talk about online dating, they forget this whole other world of social media being a connector. There’s another online world that you’re probably not including when you think of online dating, gaming. There are a lot of couples now who are are meeting through gaming and through through online games where you can connect country to country. This is happening a lot. According to the rapid visa data from Europe and Canada. Those couples tend to trend a little younger, but those relationships are strong just the same. Then of course, there’s IRL, the guddle in person meeting. This is a common pathway for K one applicants who have met through business trips or being on vacation or through family or friends. I know we’ve seen some horror stories on 90 day fiance, which is a great show, a show I love personally, but many of those stories make great television because they’re outliers. And if these rapid visa stats don’t convince you that you’re dating, Destiny might be International. Maybe some of these couples will our first couple Priya and James met while he was in the Air Force, stay In London, they met at a bar on Valentine’s Day, but she was there with another guy.

 

Unknown Speaker  10:08  

It’s not as bad as it sounds, I promise.

 

Unknown Speaker  10:11  

Oh, I thought they were together but they weren’t. They both start talking talking to me. We sparked up a conversation. She went to the bathroom. He was basically like, Whoa, we’re not together. So if you want to talk to him, you can talk to him.

 

Damona  10:29  

Wait, who was that guy? I have to

 

Unknown Speaker  10:30  

ask. It was just a friend,

 

Damona  10:33  

just a friend. He went to the bar and you’re, you’re like, we’re going to drown our single sorrows together. And then here comes this guy. Did you know right away Did you feel the sparks with James immediately, um,

 

Unknown Speaker  10:46  

I may have had a couple of drinks beforehand. And it was Valentine’s Day. So

 

Unknown Speaker  10:53  

I saw him and I thought, Okay, he’s,

 

Unknown Speaker  10:55  

he looks okay. I think he was probably a little bit more into me than I was. Was into him at the beginning. Unless you tell

 

Damona  11:04  

James, what’s your side of that story?

 

Unknown Speaker  11:06  

Actually, they start talking to me first. So I think the feeling was mutual. And that’s my story and I’m sticking to it

 

Unknown Speaker  11:12  

six years on, we still argue about it. So

 

Damona  11:16  

However, for our second couple, Kate and Alex, it’s a little different. They met in his home country of Nicaragua, while Kate was on a teaching expedition and he was their interpreter. Alex swears that it was love at first sight.

 

Unknown Speaker  11:32  

So this was like a more of a meta was love

 

Unknown Speaker  11:34  

at first sight.

 

Unknown Speaker  11:37  

Because when I say hello to her, you know, the first time I could feel like law, Dodge my heart

 

Damona  11:44  

and Kate, when you were working together, obviously it’s a it’s a tricky situation. If you’re working with someone you’re also visiting and you’re in another country. At what point did you bridge the conversation that there was something special that there was a magic there between the two of you.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:01  

Yeah. So it was a little different for me. I mean, at first, I didn’t feel like a super strong connection. But as we spent those days together working, and there was time as well, just to kind of enjoy and he came with us on excursions. I remember this very specific moment where we were walking down a street in this beautiful colonial city called Granada. And Alex just had this amazing piece, and like positivity, like just no worries in the world, like air about him. And I remember watching him walk and just thinking, Oh, my God, I want more of what he has. I want to be around this guy a lot. Because I want to feel what he feels. And that was the moment for me where I was like, wait a minute, this guy’s special.

 

Damona  12:55  

Oh, I’m so glad that you said that because my listeners have heard me say on the show before And my clients always hear me say, get into the feeling of what it’s like being with this person forget about the list and all of the boxes that you’re checking in your mate and really get into the moment in that in that instant that you’re with them. What are you feeling? Oh

 

Unknown Speaker  13:18  

my gosh, well, it’s funny because immediately when you think about like that list of like what you’re looking for in a guy, um, he didn’t really like align with what I had in my mind as what I thought I wanted. But just like you said, I couldn’t get over this beautiful feeling I had in his presence. And for once I decided to just follow my heart and follow what I was feeling versus what like the little voice in the head was saying and worked out pretty well.

 

Damona  13:51  

Our third couple Dr. Tony path, and Lillian met pre dating apps through an old school personals. Add their love story is 20 years in the making.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:03  

I saw that newspaper. It’s called buy and sell magazine at that time 20 years ago. And then

 

Unknown Speaker  14:12  

yeah, this is 1998.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:14  

Yeah. And then, and then when I read this name, I cried it out, put it in my purse, and I decided to go to church and pray for him. And then after that, I wrote to him already and we started writing to each other.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:33  

So we were writing letters that was using paper and a thing called a pen. Our communication was about every 10 days for

 

Damona  14:45  

Priya and James there was an added roadblock with James’s military service. Unfortunately, that magical dating honeymoon period was cut short when James was deployed for six months after just five months of them being together very early On they had to learn to keep the romance alive, long distance.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:04  

That was very hard. So it was mainly using FaceTime and WhatsApp WhatsApp is what we use the most for communicating sending pictures, video and voice calls, and Texas, and that’s about it. I know a lot of people use special apps and play games. But that’s not something that we really got into

 

Damona  15:31  

Katyn, Alex also shared with me their tips on keeping the romance alive.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:35  

Everyone’s heard of the languages of love, right. And I think that one of the keys to success if you’re going to have a long distance or international relationship, is that you know, you really have to rely on like the words of affirmation and words of love and like language to express your love because you can’t show up. physical affection and you can’t necessarily show like acts of service. So, for us, I’m just being super open about everything that we may be feeling and being super communicative. And I am spoiled because I got this beautiful, romantic Latino man who has no problem expressing his feelings. So that was always I think something that helped was being romantic and being intentional with with your communication, rather than just the like, hey, how’s your day? Hey, what you doing?

 

Damona  16:42  

What’s that different for you, Kate, then with prior relationships, did you feel like American men were not as able to express

 

Unknown Speaker  16:50  

I think it’s easy to just say, Oh, it’s an American thing. I don’t think it is. To be honest. I think it’s very specific for the man but I’m lucky that I Got one.

 

Damona  17:00  

Alex, what advice do you have for someone in an international or long distance relationship right now?

 

Unknown Speaker  17:07  

Keep in touch with your partner because it made me feel like I’m giving her my support all the time. It made me feel like I was I was telling her that I was fighting to her to be together,

 

Unknown Speaker  17:24  

fighting to be together. Yeah, that was really, you know, great. You know, to hear, you know, men don’t usually open up a lot, but he was really opening up to me a lot. And you always say, like, Oh, this is really hard for me to be away from you. You know, and that makes that made me feel really good.

 

Damona  17:42  

Something to note about these relationships is that technology is crucial, but not always available. Tech that we take for granted in the states isn’t always standard elsewhere.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:54  

This long distance relationship there. We didn’t. We didn’t email much because Her cell service wasn’t good. And we weren’t texting all the time because her cell service wasn’t good. And, and so how what’s a long distance relationship like and Lillian summed it up the other night, she said,

 

Unknown Speaker  18:16  

it sucks. Now that I’m here in the US, I think the connection internet connection is not a problem anymore.

 

Damona  18:24  

One key element that I really want you to note is that all of these couples were forced to slow down and get to know each other. You know, I’m always talking about slow love.

 

Unknown Speaker  18:35  

And the

 

Damona  18:36  

time it takes to complete the visa process meant that not only did they have to commit to one another at the beginning, but they had to keep choosing each other day after day, even when they were apart. Now, obviously, these stories have happy endings, because you can hear babies in the background of two of these couples, but it wasn’t always clear that they were destined to be together.

 

Unknown Speaker  19:00  

There were a lot of roadblocks, um, basically, the I think the biggest one being the actual k one visa process that added a lot of stress and tension between us. And it was it really took a toll on our relationship for for a while. That’s what I think the biggest thing was, is that dealing with that frustration, and trying to communicate through it, and I think we kind of lost that. And in the process a little bit. So that was a big, big thing for me.

 

Unknown Speaker  19:33  

Yeah. Especially after a long day at work. Or if you’ve got other stressors and just having that luxury of just coming home to someone and just being able to talk through your day. It’s not the same over the phone, then it would be face to face as well. The biggest struggles I had was, it was special days and no Valentine’s Days and anniversaries and birthdays where you’re single, but you’re not single at the same time. So everyone’s going on the day. getting treated special then you’re with someone so you can’t go for dates but at the same time they’re not there with you. So I think that’s what I found the most difficult.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:11  

What I would say is make sure you you you really want it when you make this decision because it is it is hard and you also got to know yourself like you got you got to know that you’re going to be going home by yourself every night. Can you deal with that? And you know, stay true stay faithful it means is it’s a hard thing to do. So you got to know you got to know yourself. But if you found that person that you want to you want to be with and it just so happens they’re from a different country. I don’t think that’s a good enough reason not to pursue it.

 

Damona  20:47  

And even after they’re all together, the challenges don’t stop there. Priya. Have you experienced any challenges just coming from different cultural backgrounds and from different countries where The the norms are very different. How, how has that played out for you? And how have you been able to sort of expand your horizons in being in a relationship with someone who’s from a very different background?

 

Unknown Speaker  21:14  

Luckily, we speak the same language. So that always helps us communicate. And but to be fair, coming from London, I was surrounded by people from different cultures and religious and racial backgrounds, different languages, so I think I was able to come into this country and open up, open up my arms and just try to embrace the American culture. Things I have found difficult was mainly as you know, James and I are very, very different. You know, I’m Indian, he’s African American, we’re complete different interests. Everything about us is completely different. So I think getting used To being married to someone from a different background was pretty tough at the beginning, I grew up believing I’d be marrying someone he was Indian. And

 

Damona  22:09  

was it an adjustment period for your family as well? Did they have an expectation that you would marry someone who was Indian,

 

Unknown Speaker  22:16  

of course, that was probably the most difficult things that I faced, it was harder than me coming to this country totally alone. It did take a while for my family, to get used to the idea that I was going to be leaving the country away from them where they couldn’t protect me as a Indian female. I believe that the families think about a woman should be protected and stay at home. I broke out of that mold. Got my own place.

 

Unknown Speaker  22:48  

But yeah, when I did come over here, they weren’t too thrilled about it.

 

Unknown Speaker  22:54  

I was going to different countries marrying someone who’s African American who didn’t share the same values that are I was brought up with

 

Damona  23:01  

I don’t know if either of you can answer this question but with so much stacked on the surface stacked against you so many factors that you had to navigate through from the visa process to the cultural differences to the moves, what made you stay in it? How did you know that this was the one

 

Unknown Speaker  23:21  

you know, even even though the time that we spent together at first was a short period of time? We I think I can safely say speak for both of us we we wanted each other and we wanted to do this and that’s that’s like half the battle you know what it’s like when you’re together. So what you what you when you have to deal with these hardships and all the cars stacked against you and this happened and that happened in law this long distance. You know, you’re waiting for something great. So, basically, you can choose to just throw it away when it gets hard and you know, go your separate way. Just so it can be easier now or do you want to really go through it and then your life can be great later so that’s that’s basically what it was for me

 

Unknown Speaker  24:09  

I’m stubborn so I just probably wanted to ride it out

 

Unknown Speaker  24:14  

a lot of people get stuck in oh I want this type of person this person has to be exactly like me or it’s not going to work. I think you can find common ground with a great person as I did you know, um, if you if you just broaden your horizons a little bit you know, if you if you look at me and Priya, you is with two totally, completely different people. But we make it work and it is great you know, I believe in the term opposites attract she teaches me the best parts of myself and and some of the things that I do well rubs off on her And we make it work that way. So just

 

Unknown Speaker  25:04  

take down the barriers and you know, sometimes just gotta let it have

 

Damona  25:08  

Kate and Alex shared their challenges too. So this has probably been a very big transition for you, Alex, not just in moving into a marriage but also in uprooting your life and basically, you know, starting over in a new country, what if some of the challenges been that you maybe didn’t anticipate before you were married?

 

Unknown Speaker  25:34  

One of the also where there are a lot of challenge. For example, the food is

 

Unknown Speaker  25:43  

the type of food that I have never, you know, try it.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:46  

It’s funny, like if I make him a sandwich for lunch, which is so American, he’s like, what is this?

 

Unknown Speaker  25:52  

I don’t want to eat this.

 

Damona  25:55  

Surely you must have found some good food in New York is taking me

 

Unknown Speaker  26:00  

Time to

 

Unknown Speaker  26:03  

you know, to get a custom Yeah, get a golf team to do it.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:07  

I think one of the other challenges Sorry, I can just add for that for you, honey. Um, you know, the we’ve talked a lot about is American pace of life and we live very quickly, not currently because of the terribly sad COVID situation where everyone’s kind of on lockdown, but typically we live a very fast life. We’re very scheduled we have a lot going on. And and you know, that was kind of hard for Alex and you know, the concept of like rushing somewhere doesn’t really exist in Nicaragua. Like if you are not going to be on time no one cares. Like even weddings can start two hours late and no one cares. Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:53  

So everything is playing in here that so everybody has a plan for the for what you are going to Today what we’re gonna do tomorrow so the everybody has a plan but we don’t have planning the car over. And you’re we are just leaving the present you know,

 

Damona  27:10  

maybe that’s why you have that that joy for life.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:15  

That’s exactly Yes.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:16  

For example, I want to I want to be seen my friend Amy country in my country if I want to be seen my friend, I just you know, and I just go and say I want to go to PC my friend right now and I go to his house, no problem by here. I got to so I had to get an appointment to get taken, you know,

 

Damona  27:39  

and show up.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:41  

Yeah, but another challenge is there the weather because we only have the summer and winter and now I have four seasons. And

 

Unknown Speaker  27:54  

we should clarify when he says winter. He means like 75 degrees Yeah. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:04  

guys a little a little

 

Damona  28:05  

bit rainy maybe? Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:07  

a lot of rain. Yeah. And

 

Damona  28:08  

you went to one of the snowiest places in the United States. Yeah. New York.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:15  

Yeah. So and when I got here, I will say the reason you know, and I and I’m freezing all the time.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:22  

It’s so funny. I used to get invited to snuggle up and I’d be like, Honey, what are you wearing? anytime I’m like, wool socks, flannel pajama pants, a wool sweater like all in bed? Yeah, I think that honestly one of the biggest challenges we’ve had, even though he speaks English, and I’m fluent in Spanish. There’s still just a lot of cultural, like hidden meanings in the way we communicate. And there’s been certain things that like I would say, as an American, that wouldn’t seem offensive, but he finds them offensive, or things that he would say to me in Spanish that he doesn’t mean To be rude at all, but I find them very rude. So we’ve had to have a lot of moments where like, we just pause and have to say like, honey, you know, like, that didn’t feel good to me because X, Y and Z. And then he’s like, Oh, I didn’t know I’m sorry, or vice versa. So that’s been something that like I never really anticipated as to be a challenge and in this like, bicultural relationship, but

 

Damona  29:26  

we’re working through it every day. That’s such valuable advice, Kate, even for people that are not in a bicultural relationship. They’re we’re so quick to jump to a conclusion. We’re so quick to say that you you tried to hurt my feelings by saying that and so it’s almost a plus that you can take a moment and say, where’s this misunderstanding coming from? Maybe it’s the language maybe it’s the culture without being too cheesy. I just want to say that love overcame all in these offices. Don’t let any of these deter you from trying long distance or international or even a

 

Unknown Speaker  30:06  

multicultural romance. People are the same everywhere. They all want to be happy. They all want to find true love. They all want somebody that they can grow all with just knowing to be patient. Number one, be patient. Because there is a process and it will test you. There. There’ll be some frustrating and some crying moments. But if you’re patient, you will have the best thing you could ever have. I think in a relationship.

 

Unknown Speaker  30:41  

Yeah, for me, I think if you found someone and you decide to commit yourself to that person, and I think you will work on that, because I believe that everything happens for a reason. And I always remember what Tony told me that the highest power has brought us back together. So I always believe that prayer is very, very powerful. So, if there are couples out there, they should trust that one up there to make the relationship work.

 

Unknown Speaker  31:20  

If you feel it’s right, then you definitely have to go for it. There’s so many things that could get in the way was going to be, it could be a long hard road, but no relationship relationship is easy. If you can get through this, you can definitely get through so much more as hard to find someone that you love. And sometimes they might, they might not be in the same country. They might not speak the same language. They might have different values, but you just need to work together and in the end, I think you can have a happy ending.

 

Unknown Speaker  31:53  

Having an international relationship can seem scary. You know, because you have to rescue a lot and you don’t know how it’s going to work out. But all I can say is take the risk because it’s probably gonna be worth it in the end and it might be hard but

 

Damona  32:11  

you will see the the beautiful gifts if you can persevere and make it through. Thanks to Priya, and James, Kate and Alex and Dr. Pop and Lillian for joining us today, we’ll put up pictures of the couples on our blog at dates and mates calm and a little bit more info on their stories if you’re interested in reading more about them. And a very special thanks to rapid visa for conducting a study on international dating, which inspired this whole topic and for introducing us to these couples. During this pandemic, it seems like all dating is long distance dating. I hope that you’re walking away from this segment with some inspiration and a new outlook on long distance relationships. But that’s not all folks. We’ve got more dates in May answers to your love questions are coming right up. Stick around. Welcome back to dates and mates. If you have a dating question, don’t hesitate to DM me, email me, or leave me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 I love hearing your voices. I love getting your messages. And if you are having some love trouble, chances are someone else listening right now is going through the same thing. And now it’s time for your questions. This one came to me in an email. She says I’m not your typical 53 year old black woman. I have a lot of creativity, a master’s degree. I’m fit. I’m funny, attractive. I’m a catch. But I’ve always found dating online to be a real challenge. I feel like the cards are stacked against me. Each year for the past three years I try out a new dating app. But after three or four months, I stop. I find I’m either dealing with scammers, or pretty much no one at all. I reach out to folks and say hello, send a note, etc. I post a variety of pictures here I am friends, here’s a full body shot of me on my own etc. I think I’m doing all the right things, but I don’t seem to get any play. What would you suggest I do to be more successful? Okay, so I’m going to address First of all, the fact that she’s a black woman. She’s over 50. And she has a master’s degree. These are all things that if you read the media, and you believe what OkCupid has told you about their stats, or you believe what society tells you about educated women, if you believe what the media tells you about black women, not being found attractive by other races, or black men dating outside their race, or being a woman over 50, or being a woman who’s educated Then I can see why you would feel like the deck is stacked against you. And according to statistics, maybe it is. But I have to tell you that my clients do not have the same experience. And I have, I actually have a testimonial I’m going to share with everybody soon. I have another black client who’s over 50 that I worked with one year ago, like today, one year ago, she thought the exact same thing that you’re thinking right now. And I just got a picture of her engagement ring. And she’s now going to be married to someone that she didn’t think existed a year ago. So let me tell you what we did different. And maybe you can apply some of those techniques to your own dating experience. First of all, if you haven’t done the profile starter kit, it’s free. It’s a dates and mates.com. That’s a great way to get started and choose the right photos. One just without even looking at your profile, I can tell you, we don’t want the pictures of you with friends. We do need a full body shot. And we have to be using the three C’s color, context and character. I won’t belabor it, you can hear more about it. If you do the free profile starter kit.

 

I like the fact that you have been sampling different dating apps and that you’re really giving it a chance. A lot of times people tell me, they tried online dating and they were on an app for like two weeks and it didn’t work out. So this person is giving three to four months to each each app and it’s not working. So that tells me Okay, let’s go back to you guys know my five step dating funnel. If you don’t, I’ll review right now. One is mindset. We talked about mindset earlier. We have to come from an abundance mindset that these people are out there and believe me, I know. I know that that’s hard, especially when the results you’ve been getting have been difficult. But I’m remembering my episode with Bella Gandhi. If you haven’t heard that from February, she said, You have to be psychotically optimistic. Now I’m not saying you should be psychotic, I’m just saying I have that amount of optimism that if you do it differently if you follow my dating plan, it’s going to be different for you like it was for my client and so many other clients before her. The second step in the dating funnel is sourcing. Where are you looking for dates, I don’t know which apps you’re on, it could be that you’re on the wrong fit for you. screening, how are you screening through dates to get further along, it sounds like you’re getting stuck in the sourcing phase. So you haven’t really gotten to screening, or the fourth step presentation, or the fifth step, follow through what is really crucial, and this is for all women of all ages and all backgrounds, but especially for women over 50 and for black women. Make sure you’re sending as many outgoing messages and initiating contact You can, what always happens is people start out the first two weeks, and they’re really, really motivated with the dating app. And then they start swiping, and then they’re not really liking what they’re getting. And then they stop checking the app. And then they’re pushed further down in the algorithm, they’re not getting as many matches. And then they say it’s not working, because they’re not really committed to the tool. So I don’t know if that’s what’s happening with you. I’m happy to take a look at your profile. And for all of you that are listening that are like, Oh, that sounds like me, and maybe my profile is not sending out the right message to be able to to attract the right kind of people. I did just add in my patreon friends with benefits, an option for a profile Polish I have actually haven’t done profile Polish polishes all a cart for many, many years. It’s all been wrapped in my one on one coaching program, but I really want to be of service to my dates and mates listeners, and maybe just getting that right profile picture. bio and having the right approach could change all of this for you. It’s amazing to me when I work with clients one on one, how little actually needs to change. Like, it’s just little tweaks sometimes that I’m doing in one of those five steps in the dating funnel. And then the next thing we know, like my client, de, you’re engaged. So please stay positive, especially now I know it’s really hard to do that. But try to stay positive. If you keep listening to the show, I’ll keep giving you inspiration. And if you want to have me Look at your profile and give you my two cents, it’ll give you more than two cents. Check out the patreon.com slash dates and mates and sign up at the top tier where you can get a profile polish and become a part of the community. Moving on to an email from Kevin, can you tell that that was like my favorite topic ever that I love talking about online dating. This whole show would be about online dating. If I could talk about that.