YOU CAN BE OVERWHELMED, AND YOU CAN BE UNDERWHELMED, BUT CAN YOU JUST BE WHELMED?
It’s February and you know what that means – Valentine’s is upon us! And to celebrate the month of love, we’ll be doing something special. We have 4 of the top prior Dates & Mates guest love experts who will be joining me for the next 4 weeks. This is the final episode of our Love Month #5QFeb!
Back by popular demand is Mike Goldstein, a successful dating coach, public speaker, and author who has appeared on the Today Show, Reader’s Digest, The Star Ledger, and Shape Magazine. Through his BLOG EZ Dating Coach he has reached over 100,000 women.
He’s here to give us a whole new perspective on love that we haven’t heard yet!
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (4:05)
Could your partner be snooping through your phone?
In their latest study, Whistleout determined that 50% of Americans look at their partner’s phones. Do you think this is okay?
The newest dating term: whelming
According to Cosmo, the newest way to ‘impress’ your match is by complaining about how many matches you have. Damona and Mike have thoughts.
Read Damona’s Profile Polish in Shondaland!
via GIPHY
Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner getting back together?
In an interview with the New York Times, Ben Affleck explains that his divorce to Jennifer Garner was the biggest mistake of his life. Damona did some digging and it turns out that Ben’s family history with alcoholism could have contributed to the breakup patterns he might have inherited from his father. Damona and Mike weigh in.
via GIPHY
#5QFeb (20:32)
Damona asks Mike the 5 MOST IMPORTANT dating questions of our time:
- What is the biggest challenge for daters today?
- What is the best way to find love?
- How can people change their patterns in love?
- What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
- Whose relationship do you admire and why?
via GIPHY
TECHNICALLY DATING (35:00)
via GIPHY
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- So I had a conversation with my guy and asked why he isn’t putting more time into our relationship. He’s busy and seems to be pulled in a lot of different directions. My question is: If I wait patiently, will that hurt me in the long run?
- What does it mean when a guy says he does something because it’s funny? For example, my guy tells me other girls are flirting with him because he says he is being honest and he isn’t doing anything with them but he finds it cute that I get jealous. Is this a red flag?
JOIN OUR COMMUNITY!
Are you feeling overwhelmed with dating and relationships and looking for a little more support? then you are the perfect person to become one of my Friends with Benefits.
We just launched a special Patreon program for our listeners who want a little more love from Damona
What is Patreon?
Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating
Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates
What will you get if you sign up?
A private facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show.
And you’ll have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions.
Plus secret BTS content from our nearly 300 episodes of Dates & Mates.
And for my really special top-tier FWBs, you can even get a personalized dating profile analysis from me with tips tailored just for you on how to make a magnetic profile that draws the right kind of dates to you.
The Patreon is live on at patreon.com/datesandmates
And we have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the Lover or VIP level – a free autographed copy of my book. But only if you sign up during the month of February.
Go to patreon.com/datesandmates to see which of tier is right for you. I look forward supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community as one of my Friends with Benefits.
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Happy love month lovers. This is episode four of our love month #5QFeb the five question February series during which I am interviewing your favorite dates and mates prior guests to ask the most pressing questions and love today. We are using the hashtag five q fab if you want to get in on the conversation. My guest for today is back by popular demand. Mike Goldstein is a successful dating coach. He’s a public speaker and also an author. You may have seen him on the Today Show in Reader’s Digest the star ledger or its Shape magazine. And through his blog, easy dating coach. He has reached over 100,000 surely more 200,000 just so many women Need help in dating and he’s here to help the men and women of the de tomates community, please give big smooches to Mike Goldstein,
Mike Goldstein 1:07
thank you so much for having me. I’m so pumped to be here.
Damona 1:11
I’m so glad you’re back. And this is a perfect time of year because we’re still like, we’re still feeling the energy of Valentine’s Day. And whether people listening had a great Valentine’s Day or one that they would rather forget. We want to keep people moving towards that, that road to love. Right? Yeah. And then we’ll also talk about this week’s headlines, including could your partner be snooping through your phone? And you can be overwhelmed. And you can be underwhelmed because you just be well, plus, our Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner getting back together could be now I don’t know. We’ll talk about that in a minute and then we’ll answer your questions like, should you wait around for a guy who’s super busy? And is it a red flag? If your boyfriend thinks you’re cute when you’re jealous. All that and more on today’s dates and mates. Mike, are you ready to do this?
Mike Goldstein 2:06
Whoa, those are some great topics.
Damona 2:10
Yeah, like we just surprised you. He knows what’s coming. He’s ready for you guys and he’s ready to do the dish. He’s dating dish. Whistle out did a survey on how much Americans look at their partners phones, and I’m talking about like, unapproved snooping, not just glancing over, but actually like cracking into their phones. they surveyed 1600 people from the ages of 15 and 55 about all aspects of cell phone privacy and snooping and romantic relationships. And it turns out that a lot of people 48% of women and 31% of men think snooping is okay, but people are worried Mike people are worried about things that their partner might see in their phone and Most people are worried about browser history texts, social media accounts. What do you think about cell phone privacy? I mean, this is just a factor in relationships today. Should you be able to look into your partner’s phone? Or is the phone like a barrier for privacy, something that should still remain secret and private?
Mike Goldstein 3:22
Can I tell you a story?
Damona 3:23
Of course, we have nothing but time. Oh, yes.
Mike Goldstein 3:26
So Dimona, I was 25 years old, I had a girlfriend, and we were at a beach house at our beach house. And we were sleeping in bed, about to go to bed. And she’s looking at her phone. And I glance over. And there’s a message from a guy saying, Come over and it’s about 1am at night. Oh, no. But I am the most trusting human being on the planet. You may not know this about me. So she gave me some explanation like oh, it’s just our friend. Like He wants to drink more. And I was like, oh, that seems reasonable. And then I went to bed.
Damona 4:05
But you had a little bit of suspicion. Surely, I had
Mike Goldstein 4:08
a little bit, but I totally let it go. Because I just assumed I’m in love. She’s in love. Like we’re good.
Damona 4:14
Oh, no, what happened?
Mike Goldstein 4:16
Oh, well
Mike Goldstein 4:19
while she was sleeping with it,
Damona 4:22
did you ever confront her about the text? Because like looking at this survey, 38% of couples gotten a fight or broke up over something over snooping. So like, was there ever a conversation? Like, you know, that text didn’t quite sit well with me? Did you ever go back into her phone and be like, I’m gonna see if there are additional messages here.
Mike Goldstein 4:44
No, I don’t believe in that. Like even through that through that story. Like privacy is important. And trust is important. So any partner I’m with, like they can do whatever they want. And I want to be in a relationship. I know and I feel safe for them to. They can be private, they can do whatever they want. I know we’re together. There’s no cheating. We’re good.
Damona 5:09
Mike, you know what I love about that terrible story is that you still believe in love and you still have trust, like so many times people go through an experience like that, and then they think it means they can’t trust anybody again. But it was like that was one situation and it seems like you’re able to now separate her choices from the choices of whomever you’re in a relationship with from that point forward.
Mike Goldstein 5:35
Yes, but to be fair, there was a lot of healing if you would have brought up her name probably for the first like four or five years after we broke up. You’d probably see my eyes like start to water like it definitely hit me. Yeah, but yeah, I’m over it now. But I alway
Damona 5:50
give like a tip and one thing that you did to to heal and move on after that situation and trust again,
Mike Goldstein 5:59
honestly, the Like so right after it happened and I thought I was gonna marry this woman, so I was crying my eyes out. You’re 25 I know.
Damona 6:08
life ahead of you. This is true. Okay, you figure it out, though before.
Mike Goldstein 6:11
Yeah. So I was crying my eyes out for three months straight. And then finally I picked up a copy of john gray men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And I realized I just didn’t understand women at all. And I realized like, I was a big part of the blame of why she was looking outside of a relationship. So that gave me a lot of clarity. So I guess for me it was what am i accountable for? What do I need to change? What do I need to work on? And then on top of that, now I’m saying like stop being sad, go do some things. Go play soccer, go to the gym, go see your friends. Go keep yourself busy.
Damona 6:47
Yes, she would. One of the things that you might do be go on a dating app and start swiping. That is something that our next article is all About in Cosmo, they’re talking about a new dating trend called whelming. And this is when your matches complain to you about how many other matches they’re getting. So I know like, just just to recap the story that you told, when people get, they’re ready to move on. Sometimes they go full force into swiping, and they just swipe right on everybody because they want that instant gratification of like somebody likes me. But would you ever then complain about the number of matches that you’re getting? Because this seems to be an epidemic that’s happening?
Mike Goldstein 7:36
So you’re telling me that I’m going to complain because so many women want to talk to me? Is that correct?
Damona 7:45
That’s what people are doing and this is happening and you know, it’s happening for your clients as well like there. They must be I’m sure you’re helping them to be online dating masters, and then they’re getting are they getting overwhelmed by the matches.
Mike Goldstein 8:01
Yes, some of them. Yeah.
Damona 8:03
But they wouldn’t complain about it on the date because you told them not to.
Mike Goldstein 8:07
Yeah, I don’t know what like, what is that?
Damona 8:10
Well, the article also gave us some ways to cope if you’re feeling overwhelmed, because I think this is a symptom of this Paradox of Choice of feeling like there’s this endless supply of matches. And their tips are really good for for dating apps. They said, Be more selective. ration your screen time. Don’t rely on just dating apps. And I know that you’re you’re a fan of alternate ways of dating as well. Don’t swipe late at night. No, it’s like I say dating apps are sort of like Gremlins like don’t feed them after midnight. craziness. craziness ensues, that’s when you get the worst possible matches. And don’t take dating too seriously. What do you tell your clients about ways to reduce overwhelm when they’re using dating apps?
Mike Goldstein 8:57
Yeah, this is so Important is, first of all, online dating needs to be a science experiment. Like try to leave your emotions to the side. I know like love is obviously a very emotional thing. But the actual online dating aspect science experiment, once you get to know someone, then emotions can get involved. But the strategy is, you need to pick three times a week that you’re going to go on. And if you’ve got a good system, like my clients are only doing half an hour, three times a week. So that’s manageable. It’s not taking over your life. So maybe it’s like Monday, Wednesday and Friday at eight o’clock I’m going on. The key is what folks are doing is that like, works kind of boring. Right now I’m going to hop on a dating app for a second. Oh, I got a match. Ooh, that’s not a fit. And then you repeat that sometimes one to 10 times a day. And you keep getting let down. versus if you’re going on once, you know every few days and you’re looking at maybe 510 20 at a time. Then you will manage your expectations of Okay, I got 10 Ooh, this one looks good. And then you don’t get upset about individually each nine times you got something bad, but you get excited about the one guy that actually makes sense for you, or, or woman, excuse me.
Damona 10:12
I like that. And I think that’s good philosophy for any kind of online escape. Like, I know I do the same thing with with Facebook, I’ll be like, Oh, I just need to escape my kids and make it be crazy. I’m going to just escape into the world of Facebook for a while, but it does have the same effect. When you are using it for more of an entertainment purpose, then, you know, dating with strategy. I’d like to add one other thing that I think they did not touch on in the article that is really important. And that’s in making sure that your profile is the right profile to attract what you want. Like I did a profile Polish for Shonda land.com in the fall and the woman that I worked with she was gorgeous. She had tons of matches, but she was like, I’m so over. So over dating apps. And I hear this a lot of time from a lot of times from our database listeners as well. I said, Let’s be really specific in your profile. And I’m getting all of these things that you’re not from reading your profile and looking at the pictures that you chose, let’s change the the strategy and let your profile be sort of the online calling card for you that the resume that draw that draws the right applicants in and what she said in the article, and I will put the link in the show notes if you guys want to actually read it but what she said was after she did my profile updates, she got fewer messages, which you would think is a bad thing. But at the same time there were messages from more more serious guys at that lead actually today’s instead of leading to overwhelm and then she didn’t have to complain about the overwhelm on the One thing in this article last thing about this article that I want to get your take on is they said that single people should be using five to six dating apps, according to their study, to have the best chance of finding love, like based on how many matches people are getting that are that are actually turning into dates. Five to six dating apps. What What do you think about that?
Mike Goldstein 12:24
No, thank you.
Mike Goldstein 12:29
Dating should be fun. And that’s gonna like take over your life. Six dating apps. Yeah, that’s way too much. And I’m sure the listeners can tell us like, the same people are on them. So you don’t need to see them in
Mike Goldstein 12:45
areas again, I swipe left on the last time.
Mike Goldstein 12:48
Yeah, but like, we’ve talked about it before, but I love
Mike Goldstein 12:51
three. No one
Mike Goldstein 12:53
just wants get one good one like and don’t even do an app like maybe like a match. com Or like an okay Cupid and just build a great profile. I’m, as you know, I’m not a fan of apps because they’re not as robust in terms of profiles. Yes. So if we’re going to go on dates, I want to be more strategic with hopefully, looking at a man or a woman’s robust profile on match is like, Whoa, a lot of things are aligned. I’m excited. Because if we’re going to give up, you know, our Wednesday night and you know, get dressed up and makeup and whatever needs to happen, let us be excited, be excited. And let’s go on only one day a week, pick a good one. So even if you have 12 options, or four options or whatever, figure out which one is your most excited about and do one day a week, so you can still live your life and have six other nights where you’re doing whatever you want to do. And this will be a much more efficient, much more strategic way to get a partner.
Damona 13:50
Yes, and then it’ll be more fun, you’ll be enjoying it more. Well, one person is not really enjoying his dating and relationship experience right now. is bad. Aflac he was he was promoting his new movie and gave a very raw and real interview to the New York Times. And he said that the divorce with Jennifer Garner is his biggest regret the biggest regret of his life. They announced their separation in 2015. You may remember it actually took another three years until they were divorced. And he fully admits they broke up because of his drinking, which it’s something that is also a part of his family history. Like his dad was an alcoholic and his relationship and his parents relationship broke up because of that. And it just makes me so sad to see him falling into that same pattern. And I want to know what you would tell a client who has a family history of something like, like divorce or like addiction, and how they can carve out a different path for themselves.
Mike Goldstein 15:00
Whoa,
Damona 15:01
we don’t know softball questions here. Mike Goldstein,
Mike Goldstein 15:04
I don’t know if I’m qualified that, but I will try to answer that. Well,
Damona 15:07
I’m sure you’ve dealt with this, like people that don’t have a positive relationship role model for themselves. You can still have a successful relationship and your history doesn’t have to be your future.
Mike Goldstein 15:20
Absolutely. I mean, everyone has their own choice, right. So if you and usually what you see is when they have a parent that went so far off the deep end, and one thing they like, they don’t even want to touch that thing. Because they don’t want to repeat that. Yeah. So usually see that happen. But yeah, to your point, like everyone has the choice. You know, do whatever you need to do to be happy and to be healthy. And then you can have great partnership.
Damona 15:45
What about this element when we are so quick now to be looking for perfect, that we’re very quick to move on. And, you know, I don’t think it was really Ben’s decision. Once he he went so far into his alcoholism. I think Jennifer just had to move on. But they ultimately divorced rather than working on the relationship and I and I’ve worked with other divorce clients that were like, I’d much rather now have stayed with the person in a relationship that was challenging, then be single again and have to basically start over. What do you think about that?
Mike Goldstein 16:29
Well, I got a question is Jennifer Garner single these days or she lives she’s
Damona 16:34
got a boyfriend, a guy named john Miller, who is kind of like a Ben doppelganger and way they’ve a lot of physical similarities. He’s a younger man to he’s 40. She’s 47 I ain’t mad about it, but that’s the answer.
Mike Goldstein 16:50
Well, I think she handled it, how you’re supposed to handle it. If there’s alcoholism or something that’s got a disease. You kind of have to leave And if they get that sorted out and you’re still available and you know, they’re wildly healthy, and you want to revisit it, then go revisit it. But when they’re in that state, you’ve got to get out of there. You can’t fix them. Yeah. And they need to go fix themselves.
Damona 17:15
All right, great insights. I told you know, softball questions here we have, we have the hard questions that are coming up in our next segment and five key fobs. So stick around. I’m here with Mike Goldstein, who’s also known as easy dating coach, right? Easy dating coach calm, so stick around for more dates and dates. We’re back with easy dating coach Mike Goldstein. And if you’ve been following all this month, we’ve been asking the same five questions of four different dating experts and we’re getting wildly different responses. So I’m going to kick it off Mike with our first question of five key fab. What is the biggest challenge for daters today.
Mike Goldstein 17:58
Whoa, that’s a big One I told you,
Mike Goldstein 18:01
you know, softball question, you know softball, Scott.
Damona 18:05
It’s
Mike Goldstein 18:06
datings freaking hard. And there’s no manual. And, you know, if we look back to 100 years ago in the 1950s, our parents were getting married mostly for security, finances, money, safety. And everyone told us, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Right? And now, you know, we’ve got women in the workforce, men in the workforce, boss, ladies to boss ladies, kicking butt. And it’s not like, hey, the man goes to work and the woman takes care of the kids now, it’s just confusing. And women have plenty of money and they’re kicking butt. And now everyone needs you guys. Exactly. Now, women are dating for love. And everyone’s dating for love, and it’s not security. And this is brand new. We’ve been on this earth for what, thousands, millions of years. And now finally, the only reason we’re getting together or the biggest reason is the Love, not just procreating and security.
Damona 19:04
So what do you how do you see that changing the way that we operate in dating? If you’re dating for love? How’s your process different than if you’re dating for security? You spend more time probably right? Because you have to vet people.
Mike Goldstein 19:25
Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely wildly different. Like, it’s just security. It’s like, Oh, he’s got a good job and he looks healthy. Yeah, okay. That’s all I need.
Damona 19:32
And my parents know, like, that’s the other thing that’s different is now our dating pool has opened up to anyone possibly in the world who’s the best match for us? So now, in addition to dating for love, we’re dating to check like 17 boxes as opposed to like, Oh, well, I know him and he can be a good provider and he looks all right. Like I could wake up next to that for at least a few years. You know, it was like the criteria The criteria was lower. And the ability to meet someone that really matched us on multiple levels was, was also lower. You know, there’s a,
Mike Goldstein 20:11
there’s just way more variables to contend with. And then the other thing is like our brain tries to mess with us. Because for a lot of us, we kind of look at chemistry as the be all sale instead of compatibility. So we’re like, man, when I’m with them, like, it’s just electric, and I feel something. And what the heck is that? Like, you’re gonna spend 50 years with someone you feel something for? No, like, what is this laundry list of things? You actually need to be happy with someone for 50 or however many years you’re going to be together?
Damona 20:40
Can I tell you something really corny, please. As my husband and I have built our life together, I feel like the electricity has increased. Because it’s like, now we’re not just we’re not just checking boxes. We’re actually like, We’re actually intertwined in our lives. And as our lives have gotten bigger, like our love can actually get bigger. And I feel like there’s this feeling that, that that chemistry that you feel on whatever the first date or that people are, like desperately searching for is something that is on a decreasing scale, that it’s never going to be as high as when you first meet. And I would love to see what happens if people looked at it in the inverse, like, it can only build from here if you’re with the right person, that you’re that you’re matching with on like, much more on on more long term factors, right.
Mike Goldstein 21:46
Yeah, I mean, that’s, no, it’s not. I mean, you’re talking to a love coach. So I’m like, that’s so beautiful. I love that. But back to your first question. That’s what I think is the biggest problem really is we’re not great. So we end up picking. And then once we fall in love, we’re like, All right, I’m gonna stick this out because it’s kind of close. You only get one person. So you got to make sure you pick the right person. So then when you are together for years, you are going in that upward trend of the relationship getting better, as opposed to what most people are, is it either flatlines or it’s going worse? Right? That’s a good point.
Damona 22:23
Okay, you aced that first question, Mike. Second question, what is the best way to find love?
Mike Goldstein 22:33
Whoo. That’s a big one to love, love, love. First off, you got to do a little work and make sure you’re like ready to rock and roll. Like you’ve got and there’s a lot to this. Because I have so many women that go to me, they’re like, I have everything on solid ground. Like I’ve got a great job. I’ve got this amazing house. And I’ve got this, like all these activities I do and this amazing Family like, That is wonderful. Do you know anything about dating? Or how the opposite sex works or whoever you’re trying to partner with? Like that really. So there’s a lot to it it’s one you got to have a good life but to you got to kind of help know how this whole dating, how to interact with whoever you’re going after works.
Damona 23:18
And it’s also you have to have a growth mindset like this is something that I haven’t mastered. And I, I can actually learn something from my girl from the dates and maids podcast like there’s room for growth because the way you describe that, and I hear that a lot too, from listeners is like, it’s a close circle. like where’s the space if you have those five things? Where’s the space for another person to get in and actually enhance your life? How can you find love love? So let’s say you’ve done that and you have accepted that there is a skill set called dating that you are going to develop? Then what how do you find love
Mike Goldstein 23:58
Wow. Then you got to decide, are you I want to be in my pajamas on a Friday night doing online dating and find love? Or are you the type that’s like, I’ve got the biggest personality on the planet. And I want to be out there just mingling, and meet someone. So who are you, and then go on to those routes.
Damona 24:18
That’s, it’s good that you incorporate this idea of like figuring out what works best for you, because I’m big into online dating, obviously. And I think that that is just the best way in today’s world to to exponentially increase your dating options. But I also recognize it’s not necessarily the right fit for everyone. And if you’re doing it and it’s making you frustrated or you’re uncomfortable with it, and you’ve done the work that Mike is talking about to develop that skill set and get more comfortable and it still doesn’t work, but you have great success when you’re meeting people out on a Friday night at a bar then Why make your life easy? Right? Why do we always wait? Why do we always complicate things for ourselves?
Mike Goldstein 25:07
Yeah, I don’t know if people can see a picture of me but I’m like mediocre looking. But online like if maybe if you’d call them the attractive women are the women that are good looking that have like seems their life together. They pretty much want nothing to do with me because I’m not like, I’m not everything marketable online. But when you put me in person, like sometimes I’m pretty charismatic. And then I’m able to actually kind of like hit probably above my league sometimes.
Damona 25:38
So okay, I’m not even buying anything, you guys. He’s very attractive and he’s very charming. But for you, you feel more like in your element. It sounds like when you’re meeting people out in the world.
Mike Goldstein 25:52
I mean, I come from a life prior to starting this like I came from a sales background. I’m like, pretty social. So yeah, that’s fun for me. But I’m also considered one of the top online dating experts in the country. So I, and I teach that and I work with, you know, eHarmony. Okay keeping match with their data. So I can go both routes, and I teach a lot of clients online dating, but I also want to be open to who I’m working with and what their skill set is.
Mike Goldstein 26:18
Does that make sense? It makes total sense. So there’s no answer to question two.
Damona 26:23
There’s no best way but the best way is just to start and to get clarity on what path is best for you. How can people change their patterns in love? We talked a little bit about this in the Ben Affleck of it all. But what if somebody just recognizes a dating pattern? Like I always date I always date jerks or my relationship somebody just told me. I think someone DM me on Instagram and they said, I always have this thing where I’m like, really into somebody at first and then three weeks, three or four weeks go by and I’m just not that interested anymore. If you recognize your pattern, which is the First step, right? Then what’s the next step to changing it?
Mike Goldstein 27:04
Like the first you gotta like, go, why am I doing this? So like, get the explanation for yourself. I do this because x. So now that you know why they aren’t, so how do I solve this? Okay, when person does x, then I’m going to do this. So now that you’ve got a strategy, like, right, what happens? You like, Oh, it’s happening. I see it. Yeah. And then you do your plan. So you can’t do it in the moment because like, as you know, when you go on date for and you like, your heart’s beating fast, and you’ve got your butterflies, like, I don’t care about this anymore. Get your strategy while you’ve got, you know, cool, calm, collected head. And so then when it happens, you’re like, Wait a second, I wrote this down, I have a plan, and then you can implement it.
Damona 27:49
I did a plan. I did a dating plan called Operation date. Nice guy. Some of the longtime listeners know this, but I haven’t talked about in in a few episodes. So I recognize my opinion. My pattern was dating, dating, like, these sort of creative types that weren’t really into commitment and that that just wasn’t the place that I was at in my life. And I was like, I need somebody that’s like, gonna just be nice to me. So I actually really retrain my brain, I retrain what I was attracted to, I slowed everything down to like, that’s the thing like the chemistry, you’re saying, that’s reactive, as opposed to responsive of like, Okay, I’m taking this in. And I know that my instinct is to do this. But what’s better for me is to do
Mike Goldstein 28:37
that
Damona 28:39
And if you can create that space, to give yourself time to respond, instead of just reacting to whatever you’re feeling in the moment, then I think that can put you on a different path and work for me
Mike Goldstein 28:54
and it can work for you too. I love that that’s such a smart way to do it. And that that’s solves, like probably 99% of the problem, right? There’s if you implement that, exactly,
Damona 29:05
I just couldn’t, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t date those kind of guys anymore. And I couldn’t accept that kind of behavior. Like there’s also what what are you accepting in your life? Right? Like, what are what what do you want? And then what are you letting be okay? And they’re at a certain point, you have to if you want to change your pattern, I’d say you have to, you have to recognize it. And then you have to choose not to do it anymore.
Mike Goldstein 29:32
Yeah, just to give folks some clarity on this. It’s freaking hard, because our brain actually tells us the exact opposite. They did a study, I think it was like five years ago, where they attach people’s brains while they were dating people to see what triggered and really we just kept. The reason we keep dating the same people is something trigger triggers in the amygdala every time we date the exact same person. And it’s basically comfort. We feel comfortable because it’s like, oh, last time, I dated profile, who it’s the same profile, I feel comfortable. Let me go that route. And we’ll just keep repeating that for. And I have clients that have been repeating that literally for 50 years when they keep dating the exact same person, because it’s comfortable. So you really do need to kind of like smack yourself in the head and be like, Wait a second. It’s why am I feeling comfortable? Is there something here? That’s not healthy for me?
Damona 30:22
Yeah, what am I reacting to? Because it does feel different. When you do it differently. It feels different. And it’s just sort of like, like a fitness routine, right? If you is when you start it, you’re like, Oh, this sucks. This is really hard, and this feels uncomfortable. And then you get into it. And then you see things changing, and your lifestyle is changing. And you’re like, Oh, actually, this isn’t as hard as it used to be. But you have to get over that hump. Okay, I have more questions for you, Mick. Question number four is what are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Mike Goldstein 30:58
Can I tell a story about the last one You have nothing
Damona 31:00
but stories. Yes, you can tell I don’t want to keep going. No, no. Go ahead. Go ahead. We like your stories.
Mike Goldstein 31:07
Okay. Um, so my old client, Isabella, she had pattern issues. She had actually abuse she came to me from an abusive relationship and was like, think of like, 40 year old 44 year old woman like battered, like very abusive relationship. She’s like, but I’m, I’ve healed I’m ready to go like beautiful. We’re going to start dating men that treat you well. She’s like, you’re absolutely right. We sure are. She starts dating, we, we send messages. We’re sending messages to guys. We send a message to this guy. He wants to go on a date. She comes back from the first date. She goes Mike. I’m not sexually attracted to this guy it at all. I said, Okay. On a zero to 10 scale. How was the conversation? Like a nine or a 10?
Damona 31:53
Like, oh, that’s pretty good.
Mike Goldstein 31:55
Pretty good. Would you go on another date with him? I guess so. Yeah. I gotta Second day. Hey Isabella, are you attracted to him yet? Nope, not at all. No attraction. You guys kiss? No. Okay. Day 45 you still gonna go out with them? Yeah, go. How’s the conversation? Oh, it’s a 10 really like me super smart. comes back from date eight. She goes, Mike. Nick is the sexiest man alive. What changed? He finally kissed her on date eight.
Damona 32:29
Oh my gosh. Wow, what a nice guy. He waited quite a while. Now a lot of people would read into that too and would think, Oh, well, he doesn’t really like me that much because so much of attraction is also like feeling that the other person is attracted to you. But she didn’t do that she kept going out like most of my clients don’t get past eight three if they’re not feeling something.
Mike Goldstein 32:50
I know. But if the conversations like at least at eight. I say give these guys a chance because this was the nice guy. The You know, super smart like he’s written I think like 10 books, college professor like PhD, just like a little socially not great, but great guy. And he was planning these amazing dates. And he probably, you know, didn’t have that much experience sexually. So he’s figuring it out a little bit.
Damona 33:16
Well, and it’s also like that slow love thing that I talked about a lot on the show, like real chemistry develops over time. And so as she got to know him better, and as she trusted him more, and as he saw her, and she saw him for who they truly were, then she was able to feel attraction on a deeper level. And it’s way better than that, like, just initial like hubba hubba. Okay, we’re gonna do fourth question. I loved your story. Thank you. What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Mike Goldstein 33:54
Whoo, I’m really you need one thing. Let’s make this simple. Another science Study, they hook people up, that will have been married from anywhere from like 20 to 50 years that are self proclaimed happy marriages and see what triggers. And these people in happy relationships, the magdala triggered when they were giving, when both parties were givers within the relationship, that’s a happy relationship. If one person is not a giver, and chooses to give, these were unhappy marriages. So that was the one thing they found that needs to be there for a marriage to be happy, you know, 2050 years in,
Damona 34:36
they have to both feel like they’re givers or feel like they’ve been given too.
Mike Goldstein 34:40
So both just need to be givers. So like you
Damona 34:43
have to actually be giving, you have to actually have to do it is what
Mike Goldstein 34:48
you’re saying. You know, obviously, you know, the Five Love Languages was a big book. So you need to figure out what your partner wants to receive. But yeah, you need to go give like whether it’s Hey, damona you’ve had a tough day. I’m gonna make you you know Chicken tonight or whatever? Find out what
Damona 35:02
Yeah, every day. That is definitely I am an acts of service gal. Interestingly as we’re talking about the five love like languages, which if you guys don’t know it, definitely look it up. I don’t have like an affiliate link or anything, you can just go check it out. But, um, I found when my husband and I like both did the quiz that we actually had the same exact first three love languages. And I was like, That explains it that explains why it’s so easy. Do you think there’s any value in trying to look for someone with I mean, it just happened to be that way. And part of me is like, Well, we’ve been together so long. I wonder if our love languages started to overlap or something? Or if we always were the same love language. Is there any benefit in trying to figure out the love language early on and match for that, or is that doing too much?
Mike Goldstein 35:54
That’s a great question. Honestly. So first of all, opposites do not attract. So if you can find people that are similar. That’s a home run. So I actually, when I’m dating, do ask that question pretty early on. And I do prefer someone who’s the same. It’s so much easier like I’m a 10 out of 10 words of affirmation.
Damona 36:14
Oh my god, we’d never be compatible. Yeah, so someone tell you these things like Didn’t I just, I just got my husband’s car clean like didn’t that that didn’t show? Yeah. So but you find somebody that is very effusive and shares their their words of how they feel about you.
Mike Goldstein 36:33
Yeah, like I’m so drawn to someone who’s gone. sounds terrible, but someone who gives me compliments. Like, I’m like, who tell me more. Yeah, I want to be a part of this,
Damona 36:41
right? Because that that’s how you are hearing and receiving the love so so is the answer. Don’t look for that or just ask them so that then you can know how to deliver love in the way that the
Mike Goldstein 36:53
I would say in an ideal world you do want to look for. I mean, like when I work with clients, I Like 36 things that we write down that are things that you probably wanted a partner and you’re not gonna get all of them, right. But you want to start getting a lot of them. And this is one of those things that would be part of my 36 of like, something to be cognizant of while you’re dating, so it’s a little more strategic. You’re not just, hey, when I’m on the date, we’re having fun, no, like, well, what are the answers to all these questions? Do these things fit? So to answer your question, yes, that would be great if they have it, but no, don’t make it a deal breaker. Just be cognizant of what they are and see as you’re dating, like, Okay, I know their acts of service. Let me put in that effort and do some acts of service and see if they’re a giver, are they doing what you need? And if you’re both giving and giving in the right way, are you happy? Is this working? That’s more important.
Damona 37:47
That is very important. Okay, last question for five Keifa. Before we move on to questions from our listeners, this is kind of a personal question, Mike, whose relationship do you admire and why? Could be a celeb could be someone in Your life could be me. No.
Mike Goldstein 38:05
I’m not gonna lie after hearing about you, I kind of that is change. No
Damona 38:11
no, but tell, like Tell me for real, like if there’s a relationship role model that you’re like relationship goals.
Mike Goldstein 38:18
So I’m totally seeing this from afar, so I’m just imagining most of it, but that’s probably the best relationship. Do you know Johnny and Lera Fernandez the dating coaches? Yeah. I’m like obsessed with them from afar like I do know them personally. But their Facebook just looks like they’re so in love. That’s everybody. Yeah, they look so happy and like so aligned and they’re like, eat the same foods. I think they have the same like vegan diet and there was just smiling and they almost like look the same to them. Like man, they look so happy and perfect.
Damona 38:50
Well, it’s probably also they’re like living this. They’re living this life of like giving people dating and relationship advice and then they have to live by it too. So, I think that’s very beautiful. Love to have them on the show one day. Okay, we are going to take a short break. When we come back we have your questions, listeners, we have things that have been on your mind that you’ve submitted through Instagram and Twitter and email and we are going to be answering your questions right after this. Welcome back to dates and mates. This is our final segment where we answer your questions we call it technically dating.
Mike Goldstein 39:31
Technically,
Damona 39:33
this one comes to us from Instagram, this lady says so I had a conversation with my guy and asked why he isn’t putting more time into our relationship. He’s busy and seems to be pulled in a lot of different directions. My question is, if Should I wait patiently, and will that hurt me in the long run? Now, we all want guys that have stuff going on that are like living their best Life as well. But sounds like she doesn’t feel like she’s totally apart of all those other things.
Mike Goldstein 40:07
Do we have any idea? Like, are they married? how long they’ve been dating?
Damona 40:10
I, they’re dating. But I don’t know how long.
Mike Goldstein 40:15
So I have different answers for different phases. If it’s very early on, and you really need a lot of interaction, maybe, you know, you can do a quick like, you know, it makes me so happy if you do x. And so you’re painting exactly what he needs to do. And you go tell him, you’d make me really happy if you did x and see what he delivers. And then when he does do something, you need to give him some appreciation. Like, thank you so much like it’s so great to hear from you. It’s so great to do this. I’m having so much fun. This is fabulous. Like I know you’re busy. Like I
Damona 40:52
love spending time with you.
Mike Goldstein 40:54
Yeah, like you’re amazing.
Damona 40:55
That is so key, Mike and this is something that I feel like we haven’t talked about On the show, because I’ve said, you need to tell a guy how you want him to show up for you. And yet the other other side of that is to also acknowledge it when he does, because so many times we’re like, do this, do that. Do this, do that, but then you forget to close the loop. And that’s so key to know that like his actions, changed the way that you’re feeling.
Mike Goldstein 41:26
Okay? Give them like a bonus tip,
Damona 41:28
please.
Mike Goldstein 41:30
Bonus Tip in your appreciation. If it’s just a little more valuable than the thing he actually did, he’s going to want to do it more. So like, for example, if he, you know, did the dishes, and you go, give him a big smooch and be like, Oh, I can’t believe you did the dishes like you’re so amazing. Thank you so much. He’s like, wow, all I did was like, clean a few dishes and I’m getting like this big bear hug and a smooch. I might be doing the dishes more often.
Damona 42:00
Right, exactly. It totally works. I can tell you from experience. Also, let’s address she says, if I wait patiently, will that hurt me in the long run? She shouldn’t just be like waiting. Like, what time do you get off work like, right? What else can she do?
Mike Goldstein 42:16
Yeah, definitely not waiting.
Mike Goldstein 42:19
Because you’re valuable. But being strategic and having a conversation with him at the right time, like not like in the middle of his workday when he maybe in the meeting or something. But hey, would it be possible to talk to you and you get a moment and then you know, he brings you up when he’s free. And you say, You’re so awesome. And I love spending time with you. It makes me so happy if we could do something x or, or I would love to hear from you more. See you. It makes me so happy when I get to do X with you.
Mike Goldstein 42:50
And then see how he responds. Right?
Mike Goldstein 42:55
Because maybe he can make some time for you. Maybe he doesn’t realize and
Damona 43:00
Maybe it’s not his love language like maybe your love language is quality time. And he thought it was acts of service or something like that. And he did all these things, but he didn’t realize that it wasn’t connecting for you. I have another question for you, Mike. This one comes to us from one of our friends with benefits from the Patreon club. She says what does it mean when a guy says he does something because it’s funny. For example, my guy tells me other girls are flirting with him because he says he’s just being honest. And he isn’t doing anything with him with them. But he finds a cute that I get jealous. Is this a red flag?
Mike Goldstein 43:39
Whoa.
Mike Goldstein 43:41
finds a cute one. She’s just funny. cute and funny.
Damona 43:47
What do you say my
Mike Goldstein 43:48
sounds like he’s almost like deflecting her feelings.
Mike Goldstein 43:52
I’m like, I wonder if that person who asked that as feeling like he’s not listening or not. not concerned about her. I mean, I’m just projecting that. But you know, I think you need to present if it’s bothering you, it needs to be presented that way, like, hey, when you do act, you know, when you’re flirting with these girls, that makes me feel a little less special. And I don’t ever want to change who you are like, I love who you are. But I just wanted you to know how I feel and
Damona 44:23
own your feelings and then see how he responds to that.
Mike Goldstein 44:26
Because maybe he doesn’t if you’re feeling upset, maybe he doesn’t want you to feel that way.
Damona 44:30
Yeah, I tend to not think of anything as a red flag. People are always like, what are the red flags and dating? I think it’s just like, what kind of response do you get when you express your truth and your feelings and what you need? I also wonder if he is doing that, because he’s not feeling like you’re seeing him enough. And he’s not feeling like you’re, you’re pumping him up, because why else would he go? If you’re in a relationship and he’s committed to you? Why would he need the validation from these other women flirting with him. And then why would he need to tell you? It’s just because he wants you to tell him? Like, those same things? Right? That’s a great point. Yeah. I mean, it’s a childish way to go about it. Yeah. But that’s probably what’s underneath.
Mike Goldstein 45:16
Yeah, like the whole situation. I mean, it does lead to an amazing, such an amazing point. Just go sit down and be like, Hey, are you happy with in our relationship or what’s going on within our life can
Damona 45:25
do to make you feel more secure? Because I You don’t need to get validation from these other women if I’m doing what what you need, you know,
Mike Goldstein 45:35
maybe he wants some flirting from his girlfriend and some words of appreciation and then he will be the other women in this room. I don’t see my girlfriend. She’s fantastic.
Damona 45:45
I need to know your love language, honey. Okay, um, one bonus question because you’re a guy and because this came from a guy, our fan Jose, who’s been listening to the show for a really long time, he says what is it that women with children take care of guys better than those with women without children. Do you see this? Mike? I don’t know. Do you date ladies with children? I have? Do they? Do they take better care of you?
Mike Goldstein 46:15
Probably.
Damona 46:16
We’re just so used to take care. I mean, I even mom to earlier, I was like, you need to scoot your chair and let me put this. Let me put this microphone here. But like, that could be kind of dangerous thinking for Jose, right? Like, the fact that he’s already drawing a conclusion about a whole group of people based on a couple of experiences, right?
Mike Goldstein 46:38
Yeah. And you know, it’s probably fun initially. It’s like, whew, someone’s doing stuff for me. And I’ve been there. I’ve had women that do stuff for me. But eventually, it’s like, hold on, she took the masculine role. And now what am I doing? How do I get to provide? Wait a second, I’m no longer sexually attracted to my mom who happens to be my girlfriend. You don’t want to date your mom. You don’t want them doing stuff. You want to be doing stuff for them, letting them kick their feet back. You know, mom is doing stuff for kids all day long, all day long. All day long. And then imagine back to the chicken and all night
Damona 47:12
too. Okay. But I digress. Back to the Yeah, like, be the mayor chicken. Yeah, we’re
Mike Goldstein 47:19
gonna, mom can arrest and all of a sudden she’s like, wow, this guy’s great. He’s doing stuff for me. I don’t have to do stuff for him. I got to kick my feet back. Cool. Maybe I owe him like a kiss or something or good conversation or I’m excited about this.
Damona 47:37
I like that you didn’t go blue. I’m not good conversation. It’s like, oh, there’s other things you could do.
Mike Goldstein 47:43
Yeah, sorry.
Damona 47:45
We’re gonna keep it clean. For today’s episode. This is our last of five q fab. I love to hear which takeaways from the things the wonderful wisdom that Mike shared, really hit home for you. You can tweet me at five keys. With using the hashtag, you can tweet me using the hashtag five q fab, and share those insights and we’ll share them with the rest of our audience as well. Thank you so much for being here, Mike.
Mike Goldstein 48:11
Thank you for having me.
Damona 48:13
And you can catch up with Mike at easy dating coach calm and check out his YouTube channel. So awesome look for easy dating coach. And while you’re on his website, get his free gift. There’s so many free gifts but one that you think I think you might really be interested in is the video for how to get and keep a guy forever. We’ll put the link in the show notes. Thank you so much.
Mike Goldstein 48:36
Thank you.
Damona 48:38
I hope you enjoyed Episode 298 of dates and mates again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials and I want to hear your love questions and maybe you need a little bit more support from me right now and you want to get in on some of those live coaching calls, check out our Patreon patreon.com slash dates and mates and see how I can support you in a bigger way in love will be back again next week when I will be talking to my co host from the TV series hashtag black love. Mr. jack daniels who has a big announcement about his own love life. And he’ll be talking with me about how dating has changed since black love. And since we began this podcast, we’re coming up on 300 episodes. So we’re going to ring in the 300th episode in a big way. We’ll see you next week. But until then, I wish you happy dating
Blended Family & The Bumble Buzz
ARE YOU HIDING WHO YOU REALLY ARE?
If you met your ideal mate at one of the lowest points in your life, would you be prepared to accept their love?
My guests on Dates & Mates this week, Laura and Scott of The Only One In The Room Podcast, met in orientation on the first day of rehab.
You read that right. The first day of rehab.
More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!
DATING DISH (3:01)
The signs your relationship is getting serious
Women and Glamour weigh in on what makes a relationship serious, and Damona tells you which ones are the most important
A new dating show at FOX you have to check out
This new dating show might just top every reality show ever. Here’s a hint: BabyMama.
Why Bumble wants you to date long distance
Bumble is now allowing you to match with ANYONE ANYWHERE in the US. That’s right. You’re dating pool just got bigger ladies and gents. Damona breaks it down.
STOP PRETENDING (12:00)
“We got to meet at that place where everything was stripped away from us. And we were just Laura and Scott with this long backstory,” Scott says. “We’re both rescued from a shipwreck and we’re standing there looking at each other.”
I wanted this interview to be a part of my extraordinary love stories because Laura and Scott exemplify a few things that I find crucial in the development of a loving relationship
If you have ever met someone you felt a connection with, but it just didn’t seem like the right time, then this interview is for you.
Make sure to check out The Only One In The Room Podcast, one of Damona’s absolute favorite!
TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES
So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.
What is Patreon?
Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating
Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates
What will you get if you sign up?
There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.
Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
I am so glad you came for your dose of love and inspiration, especially at a time when the world seems to be collectively in need of a great big hug. I’m here to support you and to remind you that someone cares. And we will get through this, even if we are apart. But together Together apart apart together. It’s been an exciting week over here in Dimona land, I’ve had some very compelling conversations about love and relationships post COVID-19 if we can allow ourselves to dream a little bit about what will happen in the next phase of this. You may have heard me a couple of weeks ago on the NPR show national conversation with all things considered. And if you listen to that, you heard me say that I think ultimately there is a silver lining, to this quarantine for dating and relationships. It’s going to help those of you who are coupled up truly see who your partner is. And it will expose the cracks in your relationship that you can choose to work on, or to walk away from. And for those of you who are dating, it’s going to result in us having to slow down, having to take our time and really see the person in front of us, instead of being caught up in the endless swipe. As part of our love story series. I have a couple today who were to ultimate practitioners of slow love. Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott Slaughter relationship began in the most unlikely of places, and it’s taken 13 years for them to get to where they are today. But before we talk to them, I’ll be discussing this week’s headline Including, what are the signs that your relationship is getting serious? And could a strange new dating show at Fox have a future? Plus? Why is Bumble encouraging you to date long distance? And then at the end of the show, as always, I’ll take on your questions, including a voicemail I received which will ask how will video chat dating impact your overall dating success? And is your health affecting your dating options? All that and more on today’s dates and mates. And now it’s time for the dish
Unknown Speaker 2:39
these dating dish.
Damona 2:42
Yahoo just share the exciting news that Bumble is encouraging you to date long distance. Now many of you have heard me say on this show that now that we’re in the time of quarantine and we’re all virtual dating. Maybe this is an opportunity to expand your dating criteria because If I know in LA traffic is a problem, and people that I’ve worked with here have had a hard time dating someone across town because it may take them an hour to get from one place to the other. So if you’re willing to date across town, why not date across the country, Bumble has introduced a few new virtual dating features in recent months. And now they actually have a virtual date badge, which allows you to match with anyone in the US regardless of your location. If you’ve used Bumble before, if you remember previously, users could only match with people in 100 mile radius. And so that’s why we’re getting a lot of like vacation dating and people hopping from one city to another and dating around there. But now you can set your distance filter to the whole country. They also you’ve heard on the show before they’ve added video chat dating and you can get to the video chat by adding that virtual date badge. And then after you add the badge You’ll be able to filter matches who are willing to date via video chat. Beyond that, they’re also adding the ability to send audio messages and respond to specific messages that way, which I think is really exciting. And some of you who have DM me in the past know that on Instagram, sometimes I like to leave a personal message rather than typing so that you know, it’s really me, I’m really sharing this advice with you. And it really adds a personal touch, which can be really helpful for you, if you’re also in that dating space. You know, we’ve talked about ghosting, you could still get ghosted on a video chat date. But when you become a voice, this is why I’ve always been a fan of the phone call. When you become a voice, you become something real, you move off the page and off the screen, and suddenly, you’re a real person. It gets that person much more invested into seeing what’s going to happen with you. But that’s not all folks. There are other reasons Why you want to add this virtual date badge if you’re using Bumble, they also are donating for every user that adds the virtual data badge. They’re adding up to $10,000 $1 for every person to the World Health Organization’s COVID-19 solidarity fund. And this is actually in addition to another hundred thousand dollars that Bumbles already donated to the World Health Organization fund. So I’d say y’all, you should do it. Why not right now in today’s world? And we’ll figure this all out later, like people keep asking me, what is going to happen when we come out of quarantine? And are these relationships going to work? And the truth is, I don’t want to lie to y’all. I don’t know. I don’t know. But I would say if you’re already going to be dating across town or dating virtually, why not expand your criteria a little more? Why not unlock some of these other features like video chat dating, audio messaging and make a donation to the World Health Organization fund. Because you can date and do good at the same time. Speaking of dating Oh, there’s a new dating show at Fox we’ve been jonesing like bachelor’s back and love is blind just blew our minds. Now there’s a new dating show coming at Fox. And you know, I mean Fox has the loudest raunchiest reality shows. And so as soon as I saw this headline on variety, I was like, Oh my god, what is this show gonna be? It’s a pregnancy dating show. And strangely, it stars Sex in the City alum Kristin Davis. The show is called labor of love. And it’s going to be about former bachelor contestant Christy Katzman who will be dating around trying to find a man and somebody that she could father a child with. It’s funny because you know Being in this dating and relationship, TV show world as well as a producer and host. All the time when I’m taking meetings like people were saying that the bar has been raised like ever since pretty much married at first sight where the stakes were so high, the stakes were and they’re going to marry a stranger and stay married for six weeks and see what happens. That became the bar and I kept thinking, how are they going to raise the bar from that like marrying a stranger?
Have a baby with a stranger?
Damona 7:30
Why not? And Christie is up for it. She’s 41 years old. She says she’s ready to start a family now. They’re not going to lock her into having a baby with one of these guys. It’s not not quite that extreme. That would be that would be almost to the point of being cruel because nobody wants to have a baby with somebody. They can’t. They can’t stand down the road. So you got to filter effectively. If you’re you’re jumping into the parenting pool with the rest of us because it’s murky in here, y’all I’m not gonna lie. It’s murky, and it certainly helps if you have a partner who can swim and not think, but she might come out of this reality show they’re saying with a decision to parent on her own. And that’s what Kristin Davis said, interested her in being a part of the show that she wanted to remind women that they have a choice and you can choose what you want your life to be. If you want to have a baby and you don’t have a partner. You have that option too. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen. It premieres may 21 I’m sure we’ll be talking about it again on the show because I know y’all are gonna be watching it. It sounds like another one of those, those salacious Fox reality shows that you just can’t turn away from the project’s been in development for three years, which in development time is a heck of a long time. So they either really wanted to make the show or they really didn’t want to make the show, but either way, it’s getting eight episodes premiering may 21.
I also read an interesting article on it. glamour.com I wanted to get away from all the news being COVID specific news. And this article caught my eye the signs your relationship is getting serious, according to women, so they asked real women, what the signs were. And I gotta tell you, I’m about 5050 on this article, there was some really terrible advice in there. And it made me really concerned for women of what they think is a serious sign. And then there was some really great advice. So I’ll just give you my take on the yeses and noes and then of course, we will put the link in the show notes and I want to hear from you what you think the signs are, that your relationship is getting serious. So a 27 year old woman said when you get a pet or pets together, I was just talking about how you don’t want to parent with someone that you can’t stand. And I have seen a lot of pet situations go wrong and having to deal with pet custody with somebody that you weren’t even married to is not really Something that you need to be dealing with. So I would say no to that one. Another person said when you start wanting to stay in no honey, that’s just laziness that happens to all of us. We just get tired. And then we’re like, well, I got somebody, I don’t need to put as much effort into it. When they start talking about love. 24 year old said this, maybe, but a lot of times people talk about love when they’re not really feeling it yet. And people throw that word around a lot. When you plan your weekend around time together. That’s another maybe for me. I guess that’s saying you’re putting your partner first. And weekends are precious. But now what’s time anymore, as we’re in the quarantine. And the last one I was not so sure about was when you meet the parents because that can be something serious, but it also can just be circumstantial. The ones that I really want you to pay attention to, are when conversations begin with we instead of i a woman named Taylor, who’s 34 said that and I thought it was really brilliant. And that’s a big mindset shift when you’re in a relationship and you stop thinking of each other as individuals, and you start to think of the two of you as a unit. That’s been a really big turning point for a lot of my clients. So look out for those we, and also look out for what the 61 year old woman said, when being together feels like coming home. I thought that was so poetic and beautiful. That feeling, especially now that feeling of home and I can just relax and be myself around this person. Another one I loved was when you embrace their family as your own. When you really start to see that your circles are not independent, but they are together that’s again that that sense of we that’s a definite sign that things are headed in a serious direction. And when their family starts to feel like their life Your own. And then the last one I want to leave you with before we go into the break. Amanda who’s 32 said when you realize you care about their well being. I know that was a turning point in my own relationship that my husband was sick. And to me it was like, of course I would take care of him when he’s sick. And believe me, folks, it was bad. It was very bad. I saw it all. And he thought, wow, if she’s willing to stand with me through that, then she really, really cares. And I think throughout this quarantine and pandemic, as we all of our worst stuff is coming out. We’re really seeing what we’re made of and what our significant others are made of and what we really need in a relationship. So hopefully this is a clarifying time for you. Those are the headlines for the day. But we have so much more dates and made when we return. I’ll have Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter talking about their unusual love story. But first I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to review our show on Apple podcasts or on your favorite podcast platform. Shout out to Slingo Who says I’m so addicted to devote his podcast and advice. I take notes and even replay some of her shows often I love the masterclass series. She even responds to my i g dm, see, I just told you guys I respond to the DMS I might even leave you a voice message. So keep the messages coming. Thanks so much Slingo. A single also says, thanks to Mona I’m thinking I’ll be done with this dating real soon. I sure hope that for you and I hope that for everyone who’s listening but I want you to still listen for relationship tips. And for you to please keep sharing this show with your friends who need this kind of advice. We have a lot of broken hearts in the world right now. And we need to keep spreading our love and positivity. We will have more dates inmates in just a moment.
Today we are talking to Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter and incredible powerhouse couple and one of my favorite couples in podcasting. together. They host the only one in the room podcast, but they’re also both individually super accomplished people. Laura is a freelance writer, a speaker and an advocate for diversity. You’ve seen her work in Huffington Post, she has several pieces that have gone viral there. And as the US contributor for Italian news magazine, Scott is also an accomplished individual himself. He’s an international traveler, producer, and photographer Laura and Scott met in the most unlikely of places in rehab. They both started on the same day, and Laura ran out of the room thinking that she hadn’t made the biggest mistake of her life coming there. And Scott ran after her, though they didn’t actually start dating and rehab. Which was a no no there that that chance meeting did lead to a deep friendship that ended up evolving into love. Please help me welcome them to the show and let’s get big. smooches to Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter. Welcome to the show. I got to give two sandwiches today. Yes, you did. I’m excited. I’m so excited that you’re joining me. I had the great pleasure of meeting Laura at the podcast movement conference. And I mean, I can see what you saw and this lady Scott because the minute I met her I was like, she is a radiant source of light. She’s amazing.
Unknown Speaker 15:42
I know she’s lovely moment. I saw her.
Damona 15:45
So tell us a little bit about how you met your your love story how we got to today,
Unknown Speaker 15:51
huh? I’m gonna let Laura lead on. I always get corrected when I tell the story.
Unknown Speaker 15:55
That’s not true.
Damona 15:56
Let’s do it. He said. She said okay, Laura. Your turn.
Unknown Speaker 16:01
Well, ours is a pretty unique story. Just about 12 years ago, I was at the end of a battle with a really gnarly drug and alcohol addiction. I was in the middle of a divorce and I was looking at the possibility of losing custody of my two boys. So I decided to go to treatment
Unknown Speaker 16:27
at a place called the meadows in wickenburg, Arizona,
Unknown Speaker 16:30
and it was battling a heavy alcohol addiction um, some drugs but mainly alcohol at that time in my life. I was a about two years out of a Separation, Divorce, had two young girls and had a dear friend who was tired of seeing me drink myself to death. So she loaded me on a plane and took me to lo and behold wickenburg Arizona for treatment. And that same morning that Laura walked in, I walked in as well, unknowing who she was What I was about to experience when we were in that orientation class, and I heard her tell her story. I was struck with her immediately. But I absolutely felt like I knew her. Honestly, the minute I saw her, and I couldn’t really identify those thoughts. I just could not stop staring at her during the meeting. And when she got up to leave, I decided to just get up and leave as well. And I walked out and I followed her. And she was immediately annoyed. Yeah.
Damona 17:27
That’s how all great love stories start, right?
Unknown Speaker 17:29
Yeah, annoying, right. Oh,
Damona 17:31
but she wasn’t annoyed with you. She was Yes. annoying.
Unknown Speaker 17:34
Oh, she was okay. Okay. She tells us. I think I tapped you on the shoulder.
Unknown Speaker 17:39
yet. Well, I feel you following me, which also annoyed me. And I thought you weren’t there. And then when you got up to me, I saw that you didn’t work there. And I was like, What does he want? And you tapped me on the shoulder and you said I’m really sorry to hear about your divorce and and then we talked Hot and you know, I, I my memory is money at this time there is certain things that stand out. And that’s one of them.
Damona 18:08
I know a little bit about rehab, I do have some family members who’ve struggled with addiction for a long time. So I don’t know a lot, but I seem to remember one of the rules of rehab is that you’re not supposed to date people there.
Unknown Speaker 18:24
We didn’t date in rehab, per se. We just kind of hung out. And
Unknown Speaker 18:32
and I think I think that was a saving grace that something happened for us because we were able to bond his friends for so long. Yeah, for almost a month and get to know one another outside of this, you know, physical attraction or whatever that looks like at the time. But we were actually able to be there for one another in a way that I think normally we wouldn’t have listened to. Yeah,
Damona 18:55
I think going through an experience like that with somebody who helps you along. The way it has to bond you for life, whether romantic or not, but you came you were living in different cities. So how did it work? After you left rehab? How were you able to form a relationship? Did you date long distance? Initially? Well,
Unknown Speaker 19:16
again, dating is not quite the word I would use but because I was I was still not divorced yet. We were talking on the phone all the time. Yeah. After about 30 days back to Utah.
Unknown Speaker 19:29
She came back to Los Angeles, we started you know, chatting.
Unknown Speaker 19:33
It wasn’t just chatting. We were intentionally like he was my lifeline. I called him all the time I called him at night after I put my kids to bed. I didn’t know how I was going to stay sober. And that was the other thing is I had a lot on the line. Getting lost or getting loaded on a guy might have derailed my, my my agenda, which was to be the best mom I could be for my kids to keep custody of them. To have a decent relationship with my ex husband. And for either of those two work, I had to stay sober. So I knew that I couldn’t like lose my mind over this man.
Damona 20:11
Yeah, but at what point did you start to have more than platonic feelings? Oh, is there a moment? Is there a memory that you have where you were like, huh?
Unknown Speaker 20:24
and smiling. You can’t see that.
Unknown Speaker 20:27
I, I would say, you know, how, like, you watch a reality show, and they’re, you know, sequester together for 30 days or whatever. And you think there’s no way they could have that much of a bond in that that faster time is just not reality doesn’t work. So I, the bond that I formed with Scott felt like those bonds that I see on reality shows when people kind of fall in love, so I definitely had those feelings for him in treatment. I think I felt bonded to him that way. I just, I felt like I loved him, but I didn’t know if it would if it would stand the test of reality, you know, being that we did live in two different states, we are vastly different in our backgrounds, you know, besides the fact that he’s white, and I’m black. He’s like an outdoorsman. And I’m the city mouse. You want nothing to do with the outside?
Unknown Speaker 21:26
And you know, and I think demonic like that is one of the things that’s really curious that, that I, I’ve looked at as we go along in this relationship, and I see other people is that the things that I was attracted to her were not the normal things that I would be attracted to, and in a relationship that didn’t work from the past. And I was curious about who she was, without all the other stuff, you know, where she had come from, what she did what she looked like, I didn’t know that at the time. And I think that that’s why we were like, you know, you were like Oh, I can see what you were attracted to. And you would think I would look at her and be like, holy cow. She’s so beautiful, which was one piece of it. But there was this other just deep curiosity about who she was. That that didn’t check all the boxes right off. Oh,
Damona 22:16
yeah. All my listeners right now are nodding their heads because they’re like damona always talks about being led by curiosity. So you thank you for being my guest. But at a certain point, curiosity gets you so far, and then you have to get into the reality. And you each have kids, you’re in different places, blending of family and deciding to be together and take that next step from like, sort of fantasy to everyday reality. What was that like for you?
Unknown Speaker 22:52
Well,
Unknown Speaker 22:54
it’s still happening. Right.
Unknown Speaker 22:58
So squatters don’t. So Scott moved to Los Angeles about a month or two after we left treatment and stayed in a sober living
Unknown Speaker 23:09
a year and a half.
Unknown Speaker 23:10
And then and then moved to another.
Unknown Speaker 23:14
Another house after that.
Unknown Speaker 23:17
I stayed in my home, or I have been with my husband and my kids. My husband was not there anymore, but I stayed there. So we that’s when we started dating. We dated for six years. Well, living in separate places. Yeah.
Damona 23:32
Slow love again. Ding, ding, ding.
Unknown Speaker 23:35
I’m always talking about that.
Unknown Speaker 23:36
Oh, and people would tell me like, you know, you’re going to want to move in, you’re going to want to say like, anytime that I went through the insecurity of where it was our relationship, I would always feel like, you know, he let’s move in, because that’ll make it you know, so that we’re together. But I would resist that feeling and we would continue to put our family first. In perspective recoveries first before we put ourselves first or our needs first. That seemed to guide us for a long time. First, there were a number of times where I wished that we lived together. But I was glad we didn’t make that move, because it really allowed us to get to know each other in a way that I don’t think would have happened if we had jumped in out of a financial convenience or an emotional and security like,
Damona 24:20
yeah, let’s talk about that, too. Because a lot of times on the show, I’ve talked about moving in together and like I hosted a show for ad networks, called the question of love, where we did just what you’re talking about, we moved the couples in together for 30 days to work with me and determine if this relationship was going to make it or if somebody had to move out like super high stakes. But I always said and when I blogged for that show, I talked about all of the questions you need to ask yourself and your partner before you decide to move in and what a disaster it is to move in together out of the reasons that you said like financial convenience or because Well, you’re getting tired of the commute to their house. So what was your thought process when you finally decided to move in? And Blender families? How did you set yourself up for success? Well,
Unknown Speaker 25:17
I say one one thing right off the bat is Scott and I are each financially independent. And we keep it that way. So that is helpful for me.
Unknown Speaker 25:30
It’s so there isn’t any
Unknown Speaker 25:34
any need to rely on him that way or vice versa? You know, I had a terrible experience growing up with a stepfather who wasn’t who didn’t like me and and maybe took advantage of every opportunity to show me that it Scott is so not that guy. He’s not that guy at all, but I didn’t want to Post anyone on my boys who were still, you know, tender from the fact that their parents weren’t living together anymore. They were like eight and 10 then so you know, it was really easy to, to put them first and that way and created an environment where they felt really safe and and kind of let them get to know Scott through visits or dinners. We started taking trips with his daughters and my kids, we started putting them down. We started blending them that way, like what once every summer we short trips, short trips. And then they got longer and longer and then our kids started asking for them. And they became started asking to see one another. And they became this tradition. You know, we started driving from one end of the country to the other during the summer with our families.
Unknown Speaker 26:51
Either way, yes, a Chicago down to New Orleans for Wow, yeah, we would each get a van and stay in a hotel. All together. So we Yeah, that became we did that for years.
Unknown Speaker 27:03
For years. We just we just haven’t done it the last couple years because college and high school schedules haven’t allowed it. But But yeah, we, we so we, we did it really slowly. So I don’t know for me that there was one moment where I was like, it’s time, let’s blend.
Unknown Speaker 27:20
I think that meeting and rehab gave us was the ability to not be in a relationship based on the other’s potential. We didn’t see each other as you know, she’ll be a great partner or that we were absolutely kind of opened up at the core of who we were. And I think we bonded at that place. So we knew we already knew each other at a place where I had never known anybody else. So as we got to know one another, we always had that point of reference, right? Like most relationships work the other way where you present yourself in this really formal fashion, your agent,
Unknown Speaker 27:57
your representative into the relationship.
Unknown Speaker 28:00
Were they presented like, here’s what I do. And here’s what I have. And here’s what I like. And here’s what I want. And here’s, you know, and then as you get to know them, you get to you get closer and closer to the real person who, here’s where I am when everything is terrible, do you still love me? And we got to meet at that place where everything was stripped away from us. And we were just, we were Lauren Scott with this long backstory. And I honestly think is as big as our lives have gotten in the last 12 years, we still have that place. Like you said, that strong place that we bond like, like a shipwreck, right? We’re both rescued from a shipwreck, and we’re standing there looking at each other. Like, Tell me your story. How did you get here?
Damona 28:39
There’s also something to be said for secrets in a relationship, right? A lot of people ask me, when should I talk about my divorce or when should I reveal my struggle with addiction or whatever deep dark thing that we have shame around that we’ve locked away that we don’t want To let out on a first date or a second date, or even years into a relationship. So there’s something to be said for putting all the messy stuff on the table in the beginning, and then sort of rebuilding working backwards from there. Absolutely. I mean, that’s exactly what it was. We were, you know, totally stripped down.
Unknown Speaker 29:23
You know, me literally, like, no one to do my hair or my nails.
Unknown Speaker 29:28
Kind of like right now, right? It’s just
Unknown Speaker 29:31
the other day this is the only other time in my life that I haven’t gotten my nails done for this longest when I was in treatment, or my rooms
Unknown Speaker 29:40
and you know, I honestly like this has not been you know, I think all of us been quarantined with the person we love. It’s been really a challenge for everyone. It’s new, right? We normally have a place to run an escape but I there are moments when I absolutely Look at her and say I’m so glad that I’m doing this with you.
Unknown Speaker 29:56
Yeah.
Damona 29:58
Oh, I feel the same way. And I, like I said to my husband last night, if we can make it through this, we can literally make it through anything. Now let’s let’s move that’s fast forward in your relationship, because I know you’re both creatives. And you have this wonderful podcast, the only one in the room. Thank you. Work together. Yeah, no, it’s it’s fantastic. And just for those of you who haven’t gotten a chance to hear it yet, it’s Laura and Scott having these really deep, intimate conversations with someone who has that has had that experience of being the only only one in the room. Laura, can you talk a little bit about what inspired that podcast and then also, I want to hear from both of you about the creative process of working together because that adds a whole other layer
Unknown Speaker 30:54
Isa days. Yeah. So the the The short answer is the I wrote an article for huffpost in October of 2018, about being the only black person at a 600 person retreat, and the article went viral. And when it did, I started immediately getting comments and direct messages. I counted there were 568. Total in about a week. And yeah, it was I had never experienced anything like that. I haven’t experienced anything like that sense that a lot of the the comments and messages were hashtag the only one in the room. Also, most of them weren’t from black people, which shocked me. I thought this was going to be an article that black people would say, Oh, yeah, I’ve been that. I understand that feeling. That well. What happened was everybody It seemed to be the majority of the people took my race out of it and just identified with the feelings of being or feeling others. And so I was in a class at the time of podcasting class. I just wanted to learn more about podcasting. So, for my class project, I did the only one in the room as as a an idea for a project and recorded a trailer for it. That was our the culmination of the class at kcrw W, which is a local public radio here and in Los Angeles, and, and someone I posted a picture of me recording the trailers. A good friend of mine from a long time ago site asked me if he could be a guest on the show. When I launched and I like, I don’t know if I’m really doing a show. And he says, Oh, you should you should talk to my friend who has a podcasting network. So I set up a meeting With her name is Alison Marino, and she is she and she does the advertising. She sells advertising for our podcast and about 16 others. And I was sitting in bed with Scott, you know, emailing her back and forth and I turned to him and I’m like, hey, if I do this, you’re gonna have to produce it for me. And he was like,
Unknown Speaker 33:24
Okay. I Well,
Unknown Speaker 33:26
no idea what I was getting into.
Unknown Speaker 33:28
And, you know, the thing about Scott is, he is exactly the opposite of me, in that he is this empath. And, you know, he leads with his heart. In his head, he has, you know, he can sense someone’s state of mind from when they walk into the room without even really looking at them. He can just tell how they’re doing. I’m I’m cerebral. I’m you know, I work out of In my head, I do everything that way. So he’s a good Yin to my Yang, and that. And he’s also super organized. And, you know, I came from film, film and television years ago, and I know that the best producers are people that are organized. So
Unknown Speaker 34:18
I thought it’d be a great idea.
Unknown Speaker 34:22
And was it a great idea as a team player? So I said, Yes. Some days, it’s a good idea. Some days, I’m like, this is my job. I guess what I didn’t understand was that producing is every great idea you have you have to put into play. And I didn’t know that. So I’ll come up with some great idea. And she’ll be like, Yeah, why don’t you go do that? Ah,
Damona 34:47
it’s a lot of work.
Unknown Speaker 34:47
But I think that I there was a point where I was trying, I was really a little bit jealous of what was going on because she was getting so much attention. She was pursuing the things that she wanted, and I had the chance of whether or not was whether or not I was going to be a part of that. Or I was going to go do my own thing. And through the course of some soul searching, I decided that being a part of it would be more of a blessing, like the challenges of learning how to work together might be easier than me heading off in my own direction and trying to do something for myself.
Damona 35:21
Wait, and I just want to pause there, Scott, because you said something really profound and you kind of breezed over it. So I don’t even know if you realize how profound it was. But you said, you were feeling a little bit jealous, which is a very brave thing to admit, in a relationship. And sometimes partners get into this dynamic where they are in competition with each other and you had a choice to either be in competition with your lady or to support
Unknown Speaker 35:53
her. That was absolutely where I was, and I have a few men in my life that are evolved and when I change Turn to them and ask them what I should do. They were like, why wouldn’t you want to help support her? And I thought, and I had to get honest, like you said, with myself and say, is it just that I’m insecure? Or is it you know, that I’m afraid of being a part of something bigger. So I sort of have determined that my job in life my goal, my true ambition is to lift others out. And I saw this as an opportunity to lift her up.
Unknown Speaker 36:26
This is why I love him.
Damona 36:28
It’s amazing. You both are amazing. I, I am so honored that you took the time, especially right now, to sit down and chat with me about your story. If we could leave our listeners with just one piece of advice. There are a lot of people listening, men and women who are single and right now feeling rather lonely, and maybe not the most optimistic that love will be there for them on the other side of this and you both have been, you’ve come from a very dark place to be able to find love and build this beautiful relationship. I’d love to get just one piece of advice from each of you. For our listeners,
Unknown Speaker 37:12
go to rehab.
Unknown Speaker 37:16
No kidding,
Damona 37:17
just find a thing.
Unknown Speaker 37:22
I’ll tell you that.
Unknown Speaker 37:25
Because of the way Scott and I met,
Unknown Speaker 37:29
I had to fight every instinct that I have, I think to protect myself. By fronting by showing them something or it’s showing them versions of myself instead of the whole me. Because of how we met I wasn’t able to do that and I still fight
Unknown Speaker 37:48
to
Unknown Speaker 37:50
to be be myself That sounds so trite, but it’s true. I fight not to keep part of myself hidden or see critter edit myself in front of him when I’m with them, and it’s really obvious to me that is a battle worth fighting because when he sees me the way that I am, he loves me even more. And it’s really evident. So I think for me, my advice would be to, you know, obviously not to vomit all over somebody during the front date and tell them first date and tell them everything. But to resist that urge to edit yourself into front and to present a version of yourself that might be more attractive or more palatable to whoever it is that you’re interested in and, and just be who you are and be confident about that confidence. Is that the sexiest thing ever.
Unknown Speaker 38:48
It is
Damona 38:48
and you you basically Yeah, summed up my tagline love as you are. That’s what it’s about. Be yourself and let that attract the right person for you. And sometimes the timeline is Short, sometimes it’s 13 years. But Scott, what about you? What what wisdom Can you impart? Well, I think I just have
Unknown Speaker 39:08
to go with what she said, I think, you know, my as a man, I think what we do when we come to relationships is we try to protect authentically who we are. And I think the gifts that I got with Laura was to be who I was authentically and give her a chance to make a choice of whether that was good or bad. You know, I think when you withhold who you are authentically from anyone, you’re not giving them the choice to to love you or to or to not love you. And every time that I showed a piece of who I was to her, she embraced it more. And, And to me, that’s true intimacy. You know, I think men often think that intimacy is sex and I think intimacy is trust, you know, it’s and it, like I said earlier, it’s either you’re going to get there in the beginning or you’re going to wait a long time to get to that place where you have to be out there. don’t recruit someone and you have to be loved. And it seems at this point in my life to be more courageous and be authentic in the beginning.
Damona 40:08
Yeah, it can be very scary, but seems based on your story that it’s well worth the reward. Thank you so much for being here. Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter. I hope everyone will check out the only one in the room podcast and keep speaking your truth and sharing your stories. Thank you so much. Thank you, damona. I’m back and here with answers to your questions. Here’s the first one which came to me in a voicemail.
Unknown Speaker 40:42
Hi Dimona, this is Debra from Raleigh, North Carolina. And my question is, do you think getting to know someone via video chat will have any impact on long term relationship success compared to the usual way of dating in person first, thanks a lot.
Damona 41:00
dabra This is such a great question. And I wish I could predict the future. I mean, I can a little bit but I don’t do it on this show too often. I’m not sure overall, how it will impact our long term relationship success. But the best predictor of what’s going to happen in the future is what happened in the past. So if we look at how relationships have been successful, we talked about it on this show. We’ve talked about it on previous episodes. Slow love does win. So the fact that we are having to take it slower, and we’re having to have these deeper conversations without having physical intimacy, Y’all better not be having physical intimacy with people that you’re just meeting because you’re supposed to be quarantined. I think you are, but assuming that you’re still just chatting back and forth, or video chat dating. There still is room for surprise now The possibly negative side of this you’ve also heard me say on the show that sometimes when you are chatting with someone on the phone or messaging back and forth just over emails, or DMS or text or what have you, you start to develop an impression of the person that may or may not really exist in real life. And that could be that could be problematic, because once you move offline, the person is then competing with this fantasy idea in your head of who they might be. And it’s different video chat can’t quite get you the same feeling as you would get being in the same room with this person. Because remember, part of building chemistry is also eye contact, which is not ever great over video chat. And it’s also that physical contact. You’ve heard Talk I think on my flirting masterclass, I talked about how to escalate through physical touch, and you don’t have that. But what you do have is if you’ve built a deep connection, you have that desire that’s built up. And that anticipation of meeting that may fuel the the adrenaline and the oxytocin and all those great love hormones on the first date. So I don’t know, but I can tell you from clients I’ve had who have dated long distance and literally followed this exact same path, which was meet online, start talking on the phone first and then move very quickly to video chat. So you can see that that person really is who they say they are, and that you still have a rapport face to face, and then meet in person I try to say as soon as possible most of my successful international couples have met within the first eight weeks Updating which we’re still looks like potentially going to be within that window. And I have many, many success stories that have worked this way. But you have to do you have to do what I what I recommend in terms of setting up those video chat dates for success and setting them up like a real date. If you want more details on that I go into it in much more depth. In the Patreon group I just posted a couple weeks ago, a video chat dating tutorial. So if you want to join into the Patreon group, it’s only five bucks to join at the entry level and you’ll get access to that video, and many more videos patreon.com slash dates and mates. One more question before we go for today. Danielle says Hi, I love your podcast. Hi Danielle. She says I’m 44 and I’ve been divorced for 34 three years. I almost said 30 years. She said she’s been divorced for three years. And she has two teenage sons. She says I have a few year long relationships and lots of flings, but nothing lasting. I have a serious medical problem that I’ve been dealing with. Over the last two years, I’ve had two life threatening pulmonary embolisms, and now I’m on long term blood thinners. It’s difficult for me to know at what point I need to disclose this health issue when dating, if I say it too soon, I feel like I’m asking for someone to take care of me which I’m not. And if I wait too long, I found find out that they may not be up for it. And then I’ve wasted my time. In this time of the COVID-19 quarantines it has been especially difficult as part of my symptoms are dry cough and fatigue, which then scares people off what would you suggest? So Danielle, wow, this is a very specific situations so I’m gonna, I’m gonna break it down for you. But I’m also going to broaden it out first. For anyone who was dealing with a health condition, a disability
or a mental health challenge, anything up an STI, anything that is essentially private health information.
If it is not something that is visible like if you have there are some disabilities that if you don’t address it, people will start to wonder or get uncomfortable about it or have questions and you don’t want the questions to get out ahead of what you have to say. So if there are questions, you think that would come up? I would say go ahead and answer it. I think I’ve talked about on the show before how I had a client who had a pretty pronounced speech impediment. And so I would say to him to use that as part of it like I’m sorry, I I have a speech impediment and I stutter around beautiful women, which then gives that person explains so there not asking the question but it also gives them the the compliment and the sense that they are, you’re really excited to be speaking with with them. And that there’s something special about this connection that’s making you share that. Now, if you have something like, I don’t know a lot about a pulmonary embolism, but it sounds like it’s something that you deal with silently. That is not something that they would necessarily know unless they were spending a lot of time with you, that I believe falls under the category of information that needs to be earned by the right person. And you’ve probably heard me say on the show before, that when you go on a new date, you can’t just put all your stuff out on the table. There’s this feeling like we got to put it all out there. And if they still like me after all that, then it’s true love or if they run away, then it was meant to be and you have to remember that people need information. On a timeline that makes them care about the information they care about, you want to do the right thing. So if it’s too much up front, I’m not surprised that you’re saying, Daniel that sometimes they are like, I’m not up for this, and they run away. Because what they’re really saying, Let’s really break this down what they’re really saying, when they say I’m not up for that is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I fall in love with you, and then something happens, what will that mean for me? And so then it’s like, this is a risky journey to take. And I mean, you know, because you live it every day. Yes, there are risks and yes, it’s it’s scary, but it’s a situation you’re in no matter what you didn’t get to choose. So if someone gets to choose, like, if you got to choose whether you have this situation or not, would you choose it? And I imagine the answer is probably no, but you’re in it now. So you need somebody that is willing To go the distance with you, and gets invested in the outcome of the relationship. So I can’t give you an exact timeline on when to share that. But I would say that’s a little bit further down the line that’s maybe four or five dates in or if there’s a situation where like, they need to know if you’re going out. If you’re going, let’s project to the future, we’re able to leave our houses, you’re going on a weekend trip and something could potentially happen and you need them to know what to do. If that happens, then it would be important to share that information but you share information on dates on a need to know basis, if it will increase intimacy, if it is something that would change the outcome of the date. If it’s something that they must know to be able to date you. Then you share it, but if it’s something where it could potentially push them away, and it isn’t something that you would share with a stranger at a cocktail party Then maybe it’s not something that you should be sharing on a first or second or third date. But, Danielle, if you’ve had a few year long relationships, and you’ve been divorced for three years, and you had you have two beautiful teenage sons, so you had a, you had a relationship that worked for a time, you’ve had other relationships that worked for a time, I’d say, girlfriend, you are doing something, right. And a lot of times people come to me frustrated with dating and saying, Well, I haven’t met the one. And I’m no good at dating. And then I look at their relationship past and they say, Well, I had this long term relationship. And I met this person on a dating app and we dated for six months. Those are successes. So don’t be afraid also to celebrate your successes, but then look at the areas in which you can improve and look at times in the past, look at the past behaviors when you did share that information, how it came came across, and how it was received. And see if you can then iterate the way that you say it. The timing that You share it. And when the right one is in front of you, not only will they understand Danielle, but they will embrace you for it and let you know that they’re going to be there for you. No matter what.
That’s it for today’s episode. I hope you enjoyed. I am at damona Hoffman on all the socials. I would love for you to send me a DM and it could be a comment on the show or a question. But it’s really what keeps me going and keeps me making the show in quarantine because I know I know y’all are counting on me. You’re counting on the show, to keep giving you that uplifting love story and the advice and so I’m going to keep doing it as long as I can and as long as you keep showing up for me, so do DM me or you can leave me a voicemail as Deborah did. You can leave that at 424-246-6255 even better yet why not become I’m a part of the Patreon community. And I have tons of bonus content, I’ll be doing some live q&a, I’ll be doing also a lot of additional content, you get access to the library of dates and mates, which is seven and a half years deep on most of the podcast platforms, you can only access the last hundred episodes. So if you want to go deeper with me, I invite you to join the community that’s just for our dates and mates, podcast listeners and those people that are really ready for more and ready to see what can happen in their love life if they’re willing to go to the next step. That’s at patreon.com slash dates and mates. The link will be in the show notes and I hope you will join me there until next week. I wish you good health, lots of love and of course, happy dating
Prenup Regret & International Love
DID YOU KNOW WHAT 21% OF MARRIED COUPLES ARE INTERNATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS?
According to a new study by Rapid Visa, 21% of married couples are born to a foreign-born spouse and most of them were long-distance at some point or other.
In light of these stats, the week’s episode of Dates & Mates is dedicated to encouraging daters like you to consider an international, multi-cultural, and/or long-distance relationship.
More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!
DATING DISH (2:33)
You could have had it all, Adele.
Have you heard the rumors about Adele’s insanely expensive divorce settlement? According to recent reports, Adele will pay her ex, Simon Koneki, $140 million of her $190 million net worth. This is why we always get a prenup, friends.
Will your new relationship survive the pandemic?
We read this story in Glamour from a woman who is concerned about communication and emotional connection right now. Listen, things are difficult for dating right now but it doesn’t mean that your new relationship can’t flourish. Damona gives tips on how to keep the romance alive.
LONG-DISTANCE LOVE (12:00)
Damona covers a few interesting stats from this RapidVisa study:
Then we talk to 3 different couples who now live here in the United States but met the love of their lives in pretty unorthodox places
Since all dating is long-distance dating right now, you might as well learn something from these insanely inspiring couples.
There is a lot to be learned from the love stories of couples like Alex and Kate, James and Pria, and Dr. Tonny and Lillian, we’ve decided to kick off a whole series with dating advice from couples who are not certified experts in love.
In the next few weeks, I’m going to deep dive into some pretty interesting love stories and get down to the bottom of why their relationships work.
Next week’s couple? They met in rehab.
We am so excited for you to hear these unorthodox love stories and really break down the lessons that you can apply to your own love story.
TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES
So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.
What is Patreon?
Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating
Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates
What will you get if you sign up?
There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.
Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Hello lovers. Welcome to Dayton mates. Well, we’ve made it. Well, we’ve made it this far at least, the Hoffman household has officially been quarantined together for a full month. And everyone’s still here. You know, my husband and I looked at each other last night and we said, if we can get through this, we can get through anything. And I offer that to you my listeners as well. I’m here for you. And we are going to get through this together. Every week, I’ll be making more dates and dates, and maybe even doing some special content for my patreon friends with benefits and special bonus episodes. So keep tuning in. stay subscribed, and I have more love common attic because everybody needs more love right now, the next few episodes are going to be a little different than usual. Rather than talking to experts and giving advice, I want to inspire you with different kinds of love stories. I’m choosing to look at Corona time as we call it in my house as a unique opportunity to expand outside our comfort zone. And today, I’m hoping to inspire you to explore dating and relationships in unexpected places, perhaps even on the other side of the world. This year, census data showed us that 21% of married couples in the US are married to a foreign born spouse. So we’re going to talk to three couples who will share their amazing love stories and we’re also going to break down a study that tells you exactly how to find your own foreign But first, we’ve got headlines. Today I’ll be dishing about the week’s news including what you can learn from Adele’s expensive divorce. And can your new relationship survive Coronavirus? Then we’ll be answering your questions including Why do you keep striking out on dating apps? And how do you know that the person you’re attracted to is available? All that and more on today’s dates and mates? Let’s hit these headlines.
Damona 2:36
Now you may have heard that Adele and her baby daddy aka ex husband are officially over but did you hear about the terms of this divorce settlement? If you heard them, they may not be so correct because the the documents have been sealed at Adele’s request, but Rumor has it that he’s getting 140 million dollars of her reported 190 million dollar net worth. Here’s what I’m wondering all. Now if you she was already big when she married him. If you already had that many assets and you had that much that you’d worked so hard to build, why wouldn’t you want to protect it? I cannot understand being so madly in love with someone that you would just throw caution to the wind assume you’re going to be together forever and not do a prenup. I know a lot of my listeners, y’all been working, you have put money away you have assets that are yours. You don’t want somebody coming in and taking that from you. So this is going to be a hard learned lesson for Adele. But you know if she was signing any kind of an agreement for her music, she would have her lawyers on that in a second. So we want to stay positive And hopeful about love. But we also want to be realistic when there’s so much money at stake. And I’m sure this is going to be a very difficult time for Adele and for Simon, but maybe they can dry their tears with all that money. I read this very interesting article and glamour, one of my favorite publications Will my new relationship survive the pandemic. Of course, with all stories, we will put the links in the show notes at dates and maids calm. But this was about a woman who started dating a guy a couple months ago and I’ve heard a similar story from many of my listeners who’ve written in to the show. Their last eight happen right before everything shut down. This is a hard time to start a new relationship. So I want to give you a couple tips if you find yourself in the situation of this author. Texting is a lousy way to build a relationship. You have heard me say on the show before that texting is for information and not conversation in the earliest Part of the relationship but I just want to clarify, I don’t just mean pre first date, or even after first date, I mean as you are getting to know someone. So try to get off texting as much as you can if you’re finding yourself in a new, new relationship. And also remember that slow Love is the way to go. We have a lot of time ahead of us that we need to fill. So why not take it slow with someone new, and see what can happen in the end and it may not work out. But don’t project ahead to where you think it’s going. Try to stay in the moment, just as I say on a first date. Try to stay in the moment of now and look for the moments of magic. Practice that slow love. You’ll hear more about slow love with our couples today. And in the next segment, I will prove to you that long distance relationships really can work. But before I give you a super important tip for loving the time of Corona I want to shout out a couple of our listeners who took the time to write to me this week about how much they love the show. Nicole says she listens while running. She’s probably listening to this in her headphones right now running down the street. And she says that the show is so helpful to her. Dave also wrote to say that he heard the most recent episode, and all of the episodes and see originally learned of dates and maids. Hello, Dave. And Casey, thank you for tagging me on your story about your dating challenges. Casey says she hates memes from guys that she doesn’t even know I don’t know if you agree. I’m kind of a fan of memes, Casey. But I get it if you don’t know that person yet. And you don’t understand their sense of humor or vice versa. It can be too much too soon. How do you listen to dates and mates? What tips have been helpful for you? I would love for you to DM me or post a story like Casey and tag me at damona Hoffman and now before we share these inspiring long distance love stories, let me give you some important advice.
In today’s world, you might find love in unexpected places. You’ve heard me say on the show before that, not only do you have more choice in dating than ever before, your dating pool has expanded from your local community, to anyone anywhere in the world. Over the past 30 years k one fiance visas have increased by an unbelievable 75% and recent census data reveals that 21% of all married couple households in the US have at least one foreign born spouse. Today I’ll be sharing the stories and advice from three couples who met someone who lived in another country and are now building a life with them together in America. Just a little context. Before we begin on international relationships, this is based on a study by rapid visa. I know you’re wondering where are people meeting someone abroad, you assume that they’re meeting them online, which is largely true 55% of applicants first met online. But when you’re saying online, we’re just talking about dating sites and dating apps. We’re not even including social media in that. And it turns out that Facebook supports over 80% of all social media meeting stories. And that means a couple of things that they are a part of people meeting but also that they’re a part of people communicating. So a lot of times when people talk about online dating, they forget this whole other world of social media being a connector. There’s another online world that you’re probably not including when you think of online dating, gaming. There are a lot of couples now who are are meeting through gaming and through through online games where you can connect country to country. This is happening a lot. According to the rapid visa data from Europe and Canada. Those couples tend to trend a little younger, but those relationships are strong just the same. Then of course, there’s IRL, the guddle in person meeting. This is a common pathway for K one applicants who have met through business trips or being on vacation or through family or friends. I know we’ve seen some horror stories on 90 day fiance, which is a great show, a show I love personally, but many of those stories make great television because they’re outliers. And if these rapid visa stats don’t convince you that you’re dating, Destiny might be International. Maybe some of these couples will our first couple Priya and James met while he was in the Air Force, stay In London, they met at a bar on Valentine’s Day, but she was there with another guy.
Unknown Speaker 10:08
It’s not as bad as it sounds, I promise.
Unknown Speaker 10:11
Oh, I thought they were together but they weren’t. They both start talking talking to me. We sparked up a conversation. She went to the bathroom. He was basically like, Whoa, we’re not together. So if you want to talk to him, you can talk to him.
Damona 10:29
Wait, who was that guy? I have to
Unknown Speaker 10:30
ask. It was just a friend,
Damona 10:33
just a friend. He went to the bar and you’re, you’re like, we’re going to drown our single sorrows together. And then here comes this guy. Did you know right away Did you feel the sparks with James immediately, um,
Unknown Speaker 10:46
I may have had a couple of drinks beforehand. And it was Valentine’s Day. So
Unknown Speaker 10:53
I saw him and I thought, Okay, he’s,
Unknown Speaker 10:55
he looks okay. I think he was probably a little bit more into me than I was. Was into him at the beginning. Unless you tell
Damona 11:04
James, what’s your side of that story?
Unknown Speaker 11:06
Actually, they start talking to me first. So I think the feeling was mutual. And that’s my story and I’m sticking to it
Unknown Speaker 11:12
six years on, we still argue about it. So
Damona 11:16
However, for our second couple, Kate and Alex, it’s a little different. They met in his home country of Nicaragua, while Kate was on a teaching expedition and he was their interpreter. Alex swears that it was love at first sight.
Unknown Speaker 11:32
So this was like a more of a meta was love
Unknown Speaker 11:34
at first sight.
Unknown Speaker 11:37
Because when I say hello to her, you know, the first time I could feel like law, Dodge my heart
Damona 11:44
and Kate, when you were working together, obviously it’s a it’s a tricky situation. If you’re working with someone you’re also visiting and you’re in another country. At what point did you bridge the conversation that there was something special that there was a magic there between the two of you.
Unknown Speaker 12:01
Yeah. So it was a little different for me. I mean, at first, I didn’t feel like a super strong connection. But as we spent those days together working, and there was time as well, just to kind of enjoy and he came with us on excursions. I remember this very specific moment where we were walking down a street in this beautiful colonial city called Granada. And Alex just had this amazing piece, and like positivity, like just no worries in the world, like air about him. And I remember watching him walk and just thinking, Oh, my God, I want more of what he has. I want to be around this guy a lot. Because I want to feel what he feels. And that was the moment for me where I was like, wait a minute, this guy’s special.
Damona 12:55
Oh, I’m so glad that you said that because my listeners have heard me say on the show before And my clients always hear me say, get into the feeling of what it’s like being with this person forget about the list and all of the boxes that you’re checking in your mate and really get into the moment in that in that instant that you’re with them. What are you feeling? Oh
Unknown Speaker 13:18
my gosh, well, it’s funny because immediately when you think about like that list of like what you’re looking for in a guy, um, he didn’t really like align with what I had in my mind as what I thought I wanted. But just like you said, I couldn’t get over this beautiful feeling I had in his presence. And for once I decided to just follow my heart and follow what I was feeling versus what like the little voice in the head was saying and worked out pretty well.
Damona 13:51
Our third couple Dr. Tony path, and Lillian met pre dating apps through an old school personals. Add their love story is 20 years in the making.
Unknown Speaker 14:03
I saw that newspaper. It’s called buy and sell magazine at that time 20 years ago. And then
Unknown Speaker 14:12
yeah, this is 1998.
Unknown Speaker 14:14
Yeah. And then, and then when I read this name, I cried it out, put it in my purse, and I decided to go to church and pray for him. And then after that, I wrote to him already and we started writing to each other.
Unknown Speaker 14:33
So we were writing letters that was using paper and a thing called a pen. Our communication was about every 10 days for
Damona 14:45
Priya and James there was an added roadblock with James’s military service. Unfortunately, that magical dating honeymoon period was cut short when James was deployed for six months after just five months of them being together very early On they had to learn to keep the romance alive, long distance.
Unknown Speaker 15:04
That was very hard. So it was mainly using FaceTime and WhatsApp WhatsApp is what we use the most for communicating sending pictures, video and voice calls, and Texas, and that’s about it. I know a lot of people use special apps and play games. But that’s not something that we really got into
Damona 15:31
Katyn, Alex also shared with me their tips on keeping the romance alive.
Unknown Speaker 15:35
Everyone’s heard of the languages of love, right. And I think that one of the keys to success if you’re going to have a long distance or international relationship, is that you know, you really have to rely on like the words of affirmation and words of love and like language to express your love because you can’t show up. physical affection and you can’t necessarily show like acts of service. So, for us, I’m just being super open about everything that we may be feeling and being super communicative. And I am spoiled because I got this beautiful, romantic Latino man who has no problem expressing his feelings. So that was always I think something that helped was being romantic and being intentional with with your communication, rather than just the like, hey, how’s your day? Hey, what you doing?
Damona 16:42
What’s that different for you, Kate, then with prior relationships, did you feel like American men were not as able to express
Unknown Speaker 16:50
I think it’s easy to just say, Oh, it’s an American thing. I don’t think it is. To be honest. I think it’s very specific for the man but I’m lucky that I Got one.
Damona 17:00
Alex, what advice do you have for someone in an international or long distance relationship right now?
Unknown Speaker 17:07
Keep in touch with your partner because it made me feel like I’m giving her my support all the time. It made me feel like I was I was telling her that I was fighting to her to be together,
Unknown Speaker 17:24
fighting to be together. Yeah, that was really, you know, great. You know, to hear, you know, men don’t usually open up a lot, but he was really opening up to me a lot. And you always say, like, Oh, this is really hard for me to be away from you. You know, and that makes that made me feel really good.
Damona 17:42
Something to note about these relationships is that technology is crucial, but not always available. Tech that we take for granted in the states isn’t always standard elsewhere.
Unknown Speaker 17:54
This long distance relationship there. We didn’t. We didn’t email much because Her cell service wasn’t good. And we weren’t texting all the time because her cell service wasn’t good. And, and so how what’s a long distance relationship like and Lillian summed it up the other night, she said,
Unknown Speaker 18:16
it sucks. Now that I’m here in the US, I think the connection internet connection is not a problem anymore.
Damona 18:24
One key element that I really want you to note is that all of these couples were forced to slow down and get to know each other. You know, I’m always talking about slow love.
Unknown Speaker 18:35
And the
Damona 18:36
time it takes to complete the visa process meant that not only did they have to commit to one another at the beginning, but they had to keep choosing each other day after day, even when they were apart. Now, obviously, these stories have happy endings, because you can hear babies in the background of two of these couples, but it wasn’t always clear that they were destined to be together.
Unknown Speaker 19:00
There were a lot of roadblocks, um, basically, the I think the biggest one being the actual k one visa process that added a lot of stress and tension between us. And it was it really took a toll on our relationship for for a while. That’s what I think the biggest thing was, is that dealing with that frustration, and trying to communicate through it, and I think we kind of lost that. And in the process a little bit. So that was a big, big thing for me.
Unknown Speaker 19:33
Yeah. Especially after a long day at work. Or if you’ve got other stressors and just having that luxury of just coming home to someone and just being able to talk through your day. It’s not the same over the phone, then it would be face to face as well. The biggest struggles I had was, it was special days and no Valentine’s Days and anniversaries and birthdays where you’re single, but you’re not single at the same time. So everyone’s going on the day. getting treated special then you’re with someone so you can’t go for dates but at the same time they’re not there with you. So I think that’s what I found the most difficult.
Unknown Speaker 20:11
What I would say is make sure you you you really want it when you make this decision because it is it is hard and you also got to know yourself like you got you got to know that you’re going to be going home by yourself every night. Can you deal with that? And you know, stay true stay faithful it means is it’s a hard thing to do. So you got to know you got to know yourself. But if you found that person that you want to you want to be with and it just so happens they’re from a different country. I don’t think that’s a good enough reason not to pursue it.
Damona 20:47
And even after they’re all together, the challenges don’t stop there. Priya. Have you experienced any challenges just coming from different cultural backgrounds and from different countries where The the norms are very different. How, how has that played out for you? And how have you been able to sort of expand your horizons in being in a relationship with someone who’s from a very different background?
Unknown Speaker 21:14
Luckily, we speak the same language. So that always helps us communicate. And but to be fair, coming from London, I was surrounded by people from different cultures and religious and racial backgrounds, different languages, so I think I was able to come into this country and open up, open up my arms and just try to embrace the American culture. Things I have found difficult was mainly as you know, James and I are very, very different. You know, I’m Indian, he’s African American, we’re complete different interests. Everything about us is completely different. So I think getting used To being married to someone from a different background was pretty tough at the beginning, I grew up believing I’d be marrying someone he was Indian. And
Damona 22:09
was it an adjustment period for your family as well? Did they have an expectation that you would marry someone who was Indian,
Unknown Speaker 22:16
of course, that was probably the most difficult things that I faced, it was harder than me coming to this country totally alone. It did take a while for my family, to get used to the idea that I was going to be leaving the country away from them where they couldn’t protect me as a Indian female. I believe that the families think about a woman should be protected and stay at home. I broke out of that mold. Got my own place.
Unknown Speaker 22:48
But yeah, when I did come over here, they weren’t too thrilled about it.
Unknown Speaker 22:54
I was going to different countries marrying someone who’s African American who didn’t share the same values that are I was brought up with
Damona 23:01
I don’t know if either of you can answer this question but with so much stacked on the surface stacked against you so many factors that you had to navigate through from the visa process to the cultural differences to the moves, what made you stay in it? How did you know that this was the one
Unknown Speaker 23:21
you know, even even though the time that we spent together at first was a short period of time? We I think I can safely say speak for both of us we we wanted each other and we wanted to do this and that’s that’s like half the battle you know what it’s like when you’re together. So what you what you when you have to deal with these hardships and all the cars stacked against you and this happened and that happened in law this long distance. You know, you’re waiting for something great. So, basically, you can choose to just throw it away when it gets hard and you know, go your separate way. Just so it can be easier now or do you want to really go through it and then your life can be great later so that’s that’s basically what it was for me
Unknown Speaker 24:09
I’m stubborn so I just probably wanted to ride it out
Unknown Speaker 24:14
a lot of people get stuck in oh I want this type of person this person has to be exactly like me or it’s not going to work. I think you can find common ground with a great person as I did you know, um, if you if you just broaden your horizons a little bit you know, if you if you look at me and Priya, you is with two totally, completely different people. But we make it work and it is great you know, I believe in the term opposites attract she teaches me the best parts of myself and and some of the things that I do well rubs off on her And we make it work that way. So just
Unknown Speaker 25:04
take down the barriers and you know, sometimes just gotta let it have
Damona 25:08
Kate and Alex shared their challenges too. So this has probably been a very big transition for you, Alex, not just in moving into a marriage but also in uprooting your life and basically, you know, starting over in a new country, what if some of the challenges been that you maybe didn’t anticipate before you were married?
Unknown Speaker 25:34
One of the also where there are a lot of challenge. For example, the food is
Unknown Speaker 25:43
the type of food that I have never, you know, try it.
Unknown Speaker 25:46
It’s funny, like if I make him a sandwich for lunch, which is so American, he’s like, what is this?
Unknown Speaker 25:52
I don’t want to eat this.
Damona 25:55
Surely you must have found some good food in New York is taking me
Unknown Speaker 26:00
Time to
Unknown Speaker 26:03
you know, to get a custom Yeah, get a golf team to do it.
Unknown Speaker 26:07
I think one of the other challenges Sorry, I can just add for that for you, honey. Um, you know, the we’ve talked a lot about is American pace of life and we live very quickly, not currently because of the terribly sad COVID situation where everyone’s kind of on lockdown, but typically we live a very fast life. We’re very scheduled we have a lot going on. And and you know, that was kind of hard for Alex and you know, the concept of like rushing somewhere doesn’t really exist in Nicaragua. Like if you are not going to be on time no one cares. Like even weddings can start two hours late and no one cares. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 26:53
So everything is playing in here that so everybody has a plan for the for what you are going to Today what we’re gonna do tomorrow so the everybody has a plan but we don’t have planning the car over. And you’re we are just leaving the present you know,
Damona 27:10
maybe that’s why you have that that joy for life.
Unknown Speaker 27:15
That’s exactly Yes.
Unknown Speaker 27:16
For example, I want to I want to be seen my friend Amy country in my country if I want to be seen my friend, I just you know, and I just go and say I want to go to PC my friend right now and I go to his house, no problem by here. I got to so I had to get an appointment to get taken, you know,
Damona 27:39
and show up.
Unknown Speaker 27:41
Yeah, but another challenge is there the weather because we only have the summer and winter and now I have four seasons. And
Unknown Speaker 27:54
we should clarify when he says winter. He means like 75 degrees Yeah. Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 28:04
guys a little a little
Damona 28:05
bit rainy maybe? Yeah,
Unknown Speaker 28:07
a lot of rain. Yeah. And
Damona 28:08
you went to one of the snowiest places in the United States. Yeah. New York.
Unknown Speaker 28:15
Yeah. So and when I got here, I will say the reason you know, and I and I’m freezing all the time.
Unknown Speaker 28:22
It’s so funny. I used to get invited to snuggle up and I’d be like, Honey, what are you wearing? anytime I’m like, wool socks, flannel pajama pants, a wool sweater like all in bed? Yeah, I think that honestly one of the biggest challenges we’ve had, even though he speaks English, and I’m fluent in Spanish. There’s still just a lot of cultural, like hidden meanings in the way we communicate. And there’s been certain things that like I would say, as an American, that wouldn’t seem offensive, but he finds them offensive, or things that he would say to me in Spanish that he doesn’t mean To be rude at all, but I find them very rude. So we’ve had to have a lot of moments where like, we just pause and have to say like, honey, you know, like, that didn’t feel good to me because X, Y and Z. And then he’s like, Oh, I didn’t know I’m sorry, or vice versa. So that’s been something that like I never really anticipated as to be a challenge and in this like, bicultural relationship, but
Damona 29:26
we’re working through it every day. That’s such valuable advice, Kate, even for people that are not in a bicultural relationship. They’re we’re so quick to jump to a conclusion. We’re so quick to say that you you tried to hurt my feelings by saying that and so it’s almost a plus that you can take a moment and say, where’s this misunderstanding coming from? Maybe it’s the language maybe it’s the culture without being too cheesy. I just want to say that love overcame all in these offices. Don’t let any of these deter you from trying long distance or international or even a
Unknown Speaker 30:06
multicultural romance. People are the same everywhere. They all want to be happy. They all want to find true love. They all want somebody that they can grow all with just knowing to be patient. Number one, be patient. Because there is a process and it will test you. There. There’ll be some frustrating and some crying moments. But if you’re patient, you will have the best thing you could ever have. I think in a relationship.
Unknown Speaker 30:41
Yeah, for me, I think if you found someone and you decide to commit yourself to that person, and I think you will work on that, because I believe that everything happens for a reason. And I always remember what Tony told me that the highest power has brought us back together. So I always believe that prayer is very, very powerful. So, if there are couples out there, they should trust that one up there to make the relationship work.
Unknown Speaker 31:20
If you feel it’s right, then you definitely have to go for it. There’s so many things that could get in the way was going to be, it could be a long hard road, but no relationship relationship is easy. If you can get through this, you can definitely get through so much more as hard to find someone that you love. And sometimes they might, they might not be in the same country. They might not speak the same language. They might have different values, but you just need to work together and in the end, I think you can have a happy ending.
Unknown Speaker 31:53
Having an international relationship can seem scary. You know, because you have to rescue a lot and you don’t know how it’s going to work out. But all I can say is take the risk because it’s probably gonna be worth it in the end and it might be hard but
Damona 32:11
you will see the the beautiful gifts if you can persevere and make it through. Thanks to Priya, and James, Kate and Alex and Dr. Pop and Lillian for joining us today, we’ll put up pictures of the couples on our blog at dates and mates calm and a little bit more info on their stories if you’re interested in reading more about them. And a very special thanks to rapid visa for conducting a study on international dating, which inspired this whole topic and for introducing us to these couples. During this pandemic, it seems like all dating is long distance dating. I hope that you’re walking away from this segment with some inspiration and a new outlook on long distance relationships. But that’s not all folks. We’ve got more dates in May answers to your love questions are coming right up. Stick around. Welcome back to dates and mates. If you have a dating question, don’t hesitate to DM me, email me, or leave me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 I love hearing your voices. I love getting your messages. And if you are having some love trouble, chances are someone else listening right now is going through the same thing. And now it’s time for your questions. This one came to me in an email. She says I’m not your typical 53 year old black woman. I have a lot of creativity, a master’s degree. I’m fit. I’m funny, attractive. I’m a catch. But I’ve always found dating online to be a real challenge. I feel like the cards are stacked against me. Each year for the past three years I try out a new dating app. But after three or four months, I stop. I find I’m either dealing with scammers, or pretty much no one at all. I reach out to folks and say hello, send a note, etc. I post a variety of pictures here I am friends, here’s a full body shot of me on my own etc. I think I’m doing all the right things, but I don’t seem to get any play. What would you suggest I do to be more successful? Okay, so I’m going to address First of all, the fact that she’s a black woman. She’s over 50. And she has a master’s degree. These are all things that if you read the media, and you believe what OkCupid has told you about their stats, or you believe what society tells you about educated women, if you believe what the media tells you about black women, not being found attractive by other races, or black men dating outside their race, or being a woman over 50, or being a woman who’s educated Then I can see why you would feel like the deck is stacked against you. And according to statistics, maybe it is. But I have to tell you that my clients do not have the same experience. And I have, I actually have a testimonial I’m going to share with everybody soon. I have another black client who’s over 50 that I worked with one year ago, like today, one year ago, she thought the exact same thing that you’re thinking right now. And I just got a picture of her engagement ring. And she’s now going to be married to someone that she didn’t think existed a year ago. So let me tell you what we did different. And maybe you can apply some of those techniques to your own dating experience. First of all, if you haven’t done the profile starter kit, it’s free. It’s a dates and mates.com. That’s a great way to get started and choose the right photos. One just without even looking at your profile, I can tell you, we don’t want the pictures of you with friends. We do need a full body shot. And we have to be using the three C’s color, context and character. I won’t belabor it, you can hear more about it. If you do the free profile starter kit.
I like the fact that you have been sampling different dating apps and that you’re really giving it a chance. A lot of times people tell me, they tried online dating and they were on an app for like two weeks and it didn’t work out. So this person is giving three to four months to each each app and it’s not working. So that tells me Okay, let’s go back to you guys know my five step dating funnel. If you don’t, I’ll review right now. One is mindset. We talked about mindset earlier. We have to come from an abundance mindset that these people are out there and believe me, I know. I know that that’s hard, especially when the results you’ve been getting have been difficult. But I’m remembering my episode with Bella Gandhi. If you haven’t heard that from February, she said, You have to be psychotically optimistic. Now I’m not saying you should be psychotic, I’m just saying I have that amount of optimism that if you do it differently if you follow my dating plan, it’s going to be different for you like it was for my client and so many other clients before her. The second step in the dating funnel is sourcing. Where are you looking for dates, I don’t know which apps you’re on, it could be that you’re on the wrong fit for you. screening, how are you screening through dates to get further along, it sounds like you’re getting stuck in the sourcing phase. So you haven’t really gotten to screening, or the fourth step presentation, or the fifth step, follow through what is really crucial, and this is for all women of all ages and all backgrounds, but especially for women over 50 and for black women. Make sure you’re sending as many outgoing messages and initiating contact You can, what always happens is people start out the first two weeks, and they’re really, really motivated with the dating app. And then they start swiping, and then they’re not really liking what they’re getting. And then they stop checking the app. And then they’re pushed further down in the algorithm, they’re not getting as many matches. And then they say it’s not working, because they’re not really committed to the tool. So I don’t know if that’s what’s happening with you. I’m happy to take a look at your profile. And for all of you that are listening that are like, Oh, that sounds like me, and maybe my profile is not sending out the right message to be able to to attract the right kind of people. I did just add in my patreon friends with benefits, an option for a profile Polish I have actually haven’t done profile Polish polishes all a cart for many, many years. It’s all been wrapped in my one on one coaching program, but I really want to be of service to my dates and mates listeners, and maybe just getting that right profile picture. bio and having the right approach could change all of this for you. It’s amazing to me when I work with clients one on one, how little actually needs to change. Like, it’s just little tweaks sometimes that I’m doing in one of those five steps in the dating funnel. And then the next thing we know, like my client, de, you’re engaged. So please stay positive, especially now I know it’s really hard to do that. But try to stay positive. If you keep listening to the show, I’ll keep giving you inspiration. And if you want to have me Look at your profile and give you my two cents, it’ll give you more than two cents. Check out the patreon.com slash dates and mates and sign up at the top tier where you can get a profile polish and become a part of the community. Moving on to an email from Kevin, can you tell that that was like my favorite topic ever that I love talking about online dating. This whole show would be about online dating. If I could talk about that.
Vision Boards & Video Chat Love
VISION BOARDS ARE WHERE IT’S AT
Today, we’re talking about how vision boards can help you find true love – especially after tragic breakups and infidelity – with Dr. Casandra Henriquez, an intuitive love coach and matchmaker for successful women.
via GIPHY
More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!
DATING DISH (3:01)
Where all the singles are hiding right now
This week, Damona received a press release from Dating.com explaining the top five countries for dating apps right now: United States, closely trailed by India, then Ireland, the United Kingdom and, Spain. Do these countries surprise you?
Damona breaks down the full study and explains exactly what it means for you.
via GIPHY
Sex IS the best medicine, according to Dr. Oz
This week, MadameNoire asked for Damona’s comment on Dr. Oz recently “prescribing” sex to couples quarantined. She has thoughts.
via GIPHY
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
DRAKE FINALLY REVEALED PICTURES OF HIS SON!! Adonis Graham doesn’t look… exactly how we expected but they make such a cute pair. Unfortunately, due to Drake’s recent exposure to COVID-19, he is spending time self-quarantined. Damona had advice for Drake and everyone quarantined from their loved ones.
INSPIRING MANY (12:00)
Dr. Casandra, known as Coach Cass by her fans, has a love story that might be familiar for some of you. After a really big break up, she realized it was time to find the real love she deserved.
Find Coach Cass at RealLoveNetwork.com and don’t forget to go to get her FREE guide on How to ace the next date at RelationshipsforBusyWomen .com
TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
BETTER HELP
Hey, are you ok?
Like really are you ok?
We have to admit, we’re not really ok with everything going on. We have had to do a lot of adulting in recent weeks but I’ll be the first to admit, this is tough. And there’s no shame in getting help to sort through the complex feelings you are having right now: whether it’s fear for family members, anxiety about being cooped up at home alone, or issues that are bubbling up in your relationship.
It sounds like you need BetterHelp. With Better Help online counseling you can connect with a professional counselor in a safe and private online environment. Since you can’t leave home any way, how convenient is that?
Get help on your own time and at your own pace. Plus you can connect in any of their 4 Communication Modes that works best for you: Text, Chat, Phone & Video
They have 3000 US Licensed therapists across all 50 states and are Available worldwide.
Plus, anything you share is confidential!
Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES
So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Hello lovers, welcome to dates and mates. We are recording this episode during what is week three of a stay at home order for me. And I know we are all in different phases of this pandemic, and of processing just what the heck is happening. I am here at home with my two kids and my husband and fortunately, I already had a home studio. So I’m able to keep making this show for you. And I want you to know that I’m going to be here for you through all of this. This show is about spreading love, and consciousness and we need that more than ever right now. I want to thank all of you who have sent me DMS and told me how this show has impacted you. Special shout out to Lauren and M. And Boyd and everyone who has reached out to me recently on Instagram to send a question or a note, to remind me of the reason why I do this show each week for you. It’s for you. It’s to help you stay positive and focused and compassionate, during what I know is a very challenging time regardless of your relationship situation. So please keep your messages and your questions coming. I am motivated by hearing what you’re going through and how I can help you. Most importantly, if there’s a friend who you think could use this show right now, do us both a favor and share this episode so that we can keep Healing Hearts at a time when we all need it. Love is the most powerful transformation tool. So I encourage you To spread that around, well, social distancing, of course, today’s guest I know you are going to love her name is coach Cass. And with her we’re going to talk about how you can believe in love again. But first I’ll be discussing this week’s headlines including where all the singles are hiding right now and why dr. oz thinks sex is the best medicine plus some advice for those who are quarantined without their loved ones like Drake, then coach Cass my guest and I will be answering your questions like How important is a video chat when you’re long distance dating and and what to do when someone tells you they don’t want a relationship but they won’t stop texting. All that and more on today’s dates and maids. I am pumped up and ready to dish she’s dating
Damona 3:01
My friends at OkCupid shared that 25% of millennials and Gen Z singles have been on a virtual date. Now, if we remember way back to my 300th episode where I talked about the future of dating and I said video, chat dating is going to become the norm. And we’ve talked about it every week since but here we are. Here we are just a few weeks later, and it’s now the only way to date. Now I do think that eventually it will become a step in the dating process. And not the whole shebang, of course. But when we look at the numbers dating comm also sent me where the top five countries for online dating are. And here where I am in the United States, people are connecting online for dating more than ever. India, Ireland, the UK and Spain round out the top five countries For online dating, and most of these apps have stats about how long people are staying on the app before moving offline. I’m really hoping that we’re seeing a shift, and that people are not moving offline and are taking these social distancing orders very seriously. Believe me, I know. I know the yearning for a relationship. I know that feeling, and that you want to get offline, but trust me, it’s not worth it. And I think this is ultimately going to be a really good thing for dating that were able to slow down the process. If you’ve been listening to the show for a while, you know, I’m all about slow love. And I felt for a while, like dating apps were a runaway train that I couldn’t stop that the speed had gotten so fast, and people were dating so many people at the same time. And stopping that filtering step that I have set for a long time is very crucial before you move offline to really see if there’s chemistry and connection Now we are forced to live in the filtering step. So remember the five step dating funnel, mindset sourcing screening, we’re kind of stuck in screening, but that’s okay. That’s okay. Because you can have presentation online, and you can ultimately have follow through, it’s just that the timelines gotten stretched out a little bit. So don’t lose faith, do use the apps, and try to stay positive about the fact that you’ll be able to build a deeper connection like, like love is blind. During that show, they couldn’t see each other at all. And look, we got some really inspiring marriages out of it. So stay strong and keep dating and keep sending in those questions about that. I did get a question this week from Madame Noire. They said that Dr. Oz was prescribing. I’m just imagining dr. oz with his little his little notepad writing prescriptions he prescribed Sex for couples to bring them closer together. And they asked me is that what I recommend? I’m gonna let you read the entire article I’ll put in the show notes. But I’ll give you a little taste of what I recommended. I think that this is actually a great time. Also, if you’re in a partnership to find creative ways that you can build your connection together, we have all fallen into the Netflix and chill, not just people that are in new situation ships, but those of us in relationships, myself included. I mean, it’s like it’s not Netflix and chill. It’s like Tiger King and chill. A glass of wine and watching TV becomes the default. And look at what an amazing opportunity we have right now. So we can’t go to our our standard dates dinner in a movie that’s off the table. But how can you be more creative? Right now if you’re going to do dinner in a movie and maybe you’re separated from the person that you’re dating right now? Maybe You get dinner from the same place. And then you watch the same movie together. Remember when we used to, like hang out on the phone and watch the TV show after school with our friends and talk about the show that we were watching while we were with them? Yeah, it’s like the same thing. So we can find that nostalgia. You’ve heard me talk about nostalgia, being able to bond to people. That’s a way to do it, watching a movie that you both saw from your childhood or from your teen years or college that you can connect on or do something that’s out of the box. I talked in the article about a sip and paint night. When have you let yourself just be free and be creative, and paint something that had no particular goal to it. Just something that was art for art’s sake. And the great thing about this, and I actually talked about this a little bit in my patreon video training on social distance dating, which I’ll put the link in the show notes for that too. If you haven’t taken this training. It’s, it’s really helpful as we’re moving into this next phase of what dating is going to be for the next few months. And it’s only five bucks to sign up and it supports the show. So I would love for you to become one of my patreon friends with benefits and experience, social distance dating tips, but here’s one of them. If you are planning the date as if you were meeting up together, and how you would prepare for that date, and do sip and paint night and, and then you have something else to focus on. It’s so much pressure for you to just sit across from a stranger on video chat that you’ve never met. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s even more pressure actually than a first date in person, I believe. Because in person you have, you have that chemistry and connection. You have physicality, you have the room, you have. You’ve heard me say this on the show before everything else that’s going on around you that you can look to emulate Comment on and when it’s video chat dating, it’s you and your living room and them and their cat. Okay? So we want to give yourself an outlet. Give yourself something that you can respond to connect to maybe it’s a game a trivia game, maybe it’s it’s sip and paint or you’re drawing each other. I don’t know. You can get as fine and kinky as you want to with it or keep it clean. But I just want you to have fun with it and don’t make it so serious. As we we are social distancing and different phases of this pandemic. I came across a story this week about Drake. And for those of you who don’t know, he actually recently just announced that he has a son, his name is Adonis Graham. He had him with adult movie star Sophie Brousseau. Now if you’ve seen this kid, and we’ll put on the dates and mates blog we’ll put a picture of this kid on the surface doesn’t look a whole lot. Like Drake, he has blond hair and blue eyes. Drake actually took two paternity test just to make sure Drake if you remember, like major Drake is both black and Jewish, his mom was blond, blue eyed. So it’s an it’s not a stretch when you understand genetics to believe that this is his kid, but on the surface is had to make sure, but Drake was separated from his son because he actually spent some time with Kevin Durant, the NBA star who tested positive for Cova 19 a few weeks ago. So out of as they say an abundance of caution. Drake self isolated, and that means that he couldn’t even be around his son and I know some of you, some of you may be listening to the show from the bed dealing with Cova 19 or something that you believe maybe Cova 19 and can’t even get a test for it. And that’s, that’s tough to. So we have to keep in mind that people are in all different phases. Have this. And if you are separated from someone that you love, it’s important for you to still just keep them in your thoughts and keep in contact the way that you can. If you can only I have a friend that actually has Cova 19. And she’s having trouble with just talking and breathing. So if all she can do is send an emoji to her daughter to let her know that she’s thinking of her, that can go a long way to continuing to keep the bond alive, so that we can all be together on the other side of this. Speaking of being together, we’re gonna take a break and I hope you will stick around. When we come back. I have coach Cass and I swear she is so inspiring. I am so lucky that I came across her and her wisdom and I can’t wait for her to tell you how you can believe in love again, stay with us. I am here Dr. Cassandra Henriques. She’s also known as coach Cass by her fans and followers. She’s an intuitive love coach and matchmaker for successful women. And she’s the creator of the love deck and the real love network, premier private community for single professional women. Please help me get big smooches to coach Cass.
Coach Cass 12:21
What’s up Damona? Hey, ladies.
Damona 12:24
felt bad. I’ve found that love across the miles and I’m just so glad that you’re here spreading the love and the joy because we need it right now. Coach Cass Oh,
Coach Cass 12:35
yes. That
Coach Cass 12:38
the Rona has us in its clutches but love will get us through!
Damona 12:41
. So I want to start out with your own story because I know you’ve been on this journey for a minute coach Cass Yes. And you’ve been you’ve been in the highs of love and the lows of love. But just for a lot of people right now that may be unreal. relationships that they’re trying to figure out like, is this. Is this the one is this the right thing? Can you start with the prior relationship? Okay, we’re in and how it’s led us to where we are today. Right?
Coach Cass 13:13
Well, once upon a time, Yo, I was dating a guy that I thought was the one. How many of us have thought somebody was the one before? All right. So we were dating I helped him build business girl, I went into debt for him. Why? Because you know, this was the person I was supposed to marry. So we traveled and everything and I remember one Christmas Eve, getting a call from a mutual friend and he’s like, hey, Cass Are you sitting like know what’s up?
Damona 13:38
that’s never a good sign.
Coach Cass 13:43
So I am, I sit down and he says, you know, that guy that you think is the one that’s so amazing? I’m like, Yeah, what about him? He’s married. Yeah, so how did he How did we wait, how did he even know? Dude, so, so essentially, he ended up going to like his house and coming across his wife like it was a whole It was like a whole thing. So they ended up having to Oh my
Damona 14:12
god, how did you met this guy? Originally?
Coach Cass 14:15
I originally met him through a network marketing company girl, you know, everybody’s so driven and well known. So I had gone on the company trips, we had been together at every briefing meeting, whatever. So you know, the last thing I think if somebody is married, if you’re told me around, everywhere, in front of everybody, yes, notice anything.
Damona 14:34
Everybody was just like, well, copacetic Yeah. And was this a situation like he was married but separated or he was like, married, married?
Coach Cass 14:44
So according to this friend, this woman was still around around, right. And so for me, that was tough, you know, so, and there’s a whole nother side to this story that I won’t even get into but it turns out that he replayed that story. Many times to other women, right? Which I found out later, which is a bit scary. So I wasn’t the only one. So it’s not that he was just cheating on his wife, but he was like cheating with many people, not just me. So here it is. I thought I was the only one when I was just one of them.
Damona 15:18
Wow, that must have been so devastating for you to because in your mind, you built up this whole life. And then it just all comes crashing down. How did you move forward after that?
Coach Cass 15:28
That was tough. So just think about it. So I left him, but then I still had a debt because of him that was still with me. And then it was the shame and the guilt. Nobody was calling me to say how stupid I was. But I felt like I was getting a phone call every day and that was me calling myself right. How many times do we beat ourselves up about our stupid decisions? So for me, I was in a dark place for a really long time. And one of my defining moments came when I got like my 29th wedding invitation. You ever feel like everybody was getting married, like Like everybody
Coach Cass 16:01
was like, why not me?
Coach Cass 16:02
Exactly. Right? What’s wrong with me? Exactly. And it didn’t matter, their age, their stage, their race, their weights, you know, all the excuses that we think we have. I’m like, Look, I’m cute, right? What’s going on here? And that’s when I decided really to become a student of love. I said, Look, you know, just like I invest in my business, my fitness, my travel, right? I need to invest in my love life. And that’s when I decided to become a student of love. So I read I consumed every relationship book I could find. I went to marriage conferences Dimona as a single woman.
Coach Cass 16:36
Like there’s, you know, those cutouts where you put
Coach Cass 16:38
your face in, I had my face in the bright spot and the groom spot was empty, and everybody’s like, guess where’s the groom? Like, he’s coming girl. He’s coming,
Damona 16:46
right? That’s a lot of faith is a lot of he’s still coming even after what you went through.
Coach Cass 16:53
Yeah. And the thing is that I kept dating and so the relationships really didn’t get better. I didn’t matter. I didn’t date anybody. So married, but you know, you know, it’s bad when you’re like, oh, let me try something new. Don’t do that, right. Data people I was absolutely unattracted to it was just bad. And so I really had to hit a pause button to get my love life. Right, starting with me, you know, and that’s really what started me on the path to doing what I do now. Yeah.
Damona 17:22
Wow. And so keeping that faith alive, and I, I’ve seen your TED talk. I know you also did a vision board, right?
Coach Cass 17:32
Yeah, it’s a vision board. Okay. So once upon a time, I was dating a guy, and I remember cooking dinner, which I don’t do often. Right. So that was a special night and I was cooking dinner and he came into the kitchen and I remember looking at my vision board because it was on my wall in the kitchen because I lived by myself so I could put it where I want to right so it was on my vision board on in the kitchen and I remember looking at the vision board looking at him looking at the vision board looking at him, and I started crying. And I remember him embracing me and saying what was wrong cast? What’s going on? I said, You’re him. He said, Who? I said, You’re him. He’s like, What are you talking about? Like, look at my vision board. And literally, I still have this vision board to this day. This man was to the tee, the man on my vision board from the experiences we had to how I felt to the way he looked. It was it was creepy. It was like uncanny. It was just like, wow, and now that man today is my husband and we live a life. That was exactly what was on my vision board. Now. I do believe in the way that you do the vision board in order for that to happen. But yes, it definitely happened for me and yes, I love helping women do the same, huh?
Damona 18:50
Well without getting into a whole vision board workshop. Yes. Can you give like your top two or three tips Yes. on how to make that vision board with purpose. We have time right now, we might as well do a little mind, dork and
Coach Cass 19:03
visualization are all right ladies. So for all of you listening, I want you to just close your eyes. And I want you to think about how you want to feel in your ideal relationship, right? What are the emotions that you want to feel in the right relationship? Is it joy, happiness, peace, excitement, passion, security, like how do you want to feel? I think one of the biggest things damona is that we mess up and we put this list of you know, six figure income earner this size shoe this size, body parts, you know, flat stomach,
Coach Cass 19:42
no kids, you know, I know receiving a very
Damona 19:47
different body part but yeah, yeah, I know you’re talking about you
Coach Cass 19:50
know what I’m talking about girl. Alright, so, passport, you know, we we took no guts, you know, we focus on these things that really don’t matter. At the end of the day, right, so if somebody has a good we can exercise together if they don’t have a passport, I can help you apply. You know, we focus on all the wrong things. So I really believe it starts with your emotions and how you feel because when we get in tuned with how we feel, when we’re around someone, when we take time to get to know someone, you know, when we get in tune with that, that intuitiveness our gut instinct, I believe it really leads us in the right direction. Too often do we look at the checklist of well, oh, no, he has two kids and an ex wife. I don’t know, before we even say hello. Does that make sense?
Damona 20:37
Yes. And I am so on board with everything you said about getting into the feeling my listeners have heard that before. Like what do you want to feel like with this person and put aside the physical Yeah. And get into that, that emotional place with that person and drill down into what is really important and so much of the time, I find that it’s just even stepping back To say, what do I want like right that that people who listen to the show no I do Fung Shui as well not I don’t I’m not a Fung Shui like expert. I practice punctuate with my Fung Shui expert. And I really believe like some of it is where you play stuff. The same with the vision boards. So much of it, though, is the intention behind it is taking the time to organize your thoughts or organize your stuff, or create the vision board. And I just did mine. I just shared it on Instagram a couple of weeks ago. free time. Really just like taking that moment to think about well, well, what is it? And maybe even I mean, how much of this was going back into your past relationships and examining like Were there any red flags before that I missed? Were there any signs? How do I how do I let that stay in the past and move forward in the future in another way?
Coach Cass 21:56
Right. One of the big issues I see right is that us women know exactly what we don’t want. But when I start to ask women, well, what do you want? You know, when I talk to my clients, but what do you want? They’re like, Well, let me tell you, I don’t want what happened with Billy or Johnny or Rashid. And it’s like, Wait a second, I’m focusing on what you do want and they’re like, Well, you know, coach, guys, I’ve never been in a healthy relationship, or have never seen a healthy relationship. And it’s really tough, right? Where are we learning about healthy relationships in a romantic comedies? Right, I call it rom com itis is suffering from this disease, where we all kind of want to be rescued by this Prince Charming that might slap us around, but he’ll sweep us off our feet in the end, and it’s just like, no, Focus. Focus on what’s real.
Damona 22:41
Yes. And I imagine that is part of what helps you build this real love network that you
Coach Cass 22:48
tell us a little bit about that. Real love. Oh, oh, I’m searching for that for you love. Okay. My day job. singing
Coach Cass 23:06
I am a first Hey,
Coach Cass 23:10
it goes down in history right here on dates and mates.
Coach Cass 23:14
So I yeah, I started the real love network because I had a business coach, right. So I believe that every coach deserves a coach. Every therapist needs a therapist, all of that, right. So my coach was saying, well, what’s the best way that you could really serve your clients? And yes, I have private clients and monthly clients and all that, but the way I side is just that, you know, we’re all in different stages of this love journey, and many of my clients would have seen is, it’s like the blind leading the blind, so you might have a good girlfriend, but she’s really not that great, right? She’s not giving you good advice. And yes, you might know married people, but they haven’t been on a date in 27 years. So the real love network is really to support you from self love to real love. So it’s like, if you’re scared to date, if you’re dating, if you’re trying to choose the It’s like being able to have a supportive community that doesn’t judge you. And this process but uplifts you, so we look at the whole woman, which I believe is a wanton woman, right? All my ladies are wanted women achieving new tribes every day, right? So now it’s like to figure out, who do you want and keeping you accountable to that because I know you’ve seen this right? Women will say, Well, you know, I want this great relationship, but then do everything to sabotage it. So it really is that home base to say, Okay, well, am I messing up? Or am I doing this thing right? and holding your hand through the process?
Damona 24:35
That’s so important, especially right now when a lot of people are sort of dating in a vacuum, right? We don’t have. We don’t have our friends at work to go and show our Tinder swipes to and ask them their opinion. So having a network of people that are going through the same thing, virtually is really important. Let’s say you have made a connection I assume online right now because unless you’re a like going to the park and meeting people from six feet away, right? I think that the dating apps are kind of the biggest game in town right now. And based on the numbers that we’re seeing, and the increases in new users and conversations, that’s definitely what people are turning to, to to to date. When you are ready to move on to a let’s say virtual date right now. What are some tips that you have for being able to make a connection with a stranger we don’t even have like that physical attraction Really? To to key off of
Coach Cass 25:36
how do you get going? Now you know, love is blind has been a very popular show on Netflix. All right, so you can connect with someone emotionally via conversation. I just got a recent client she’s she was talking to someone for three months and never met them now in regular life. This is a problem, right? So they were in Turkey. They said they were coming to visit you know all the red flags and regular life and I’m like, Okay, I think this guy is a catfish, but she totally was in love with this guy that she was on the phone with for three months. So it can happen where you can connect with someone emotionally. So it really is to understand first the attraction. So online dating profile picture, then it’s, you know, can I kick it with this person on the phone like a friend? Can we just talk about anything? Can we just have a good time? And then, you know, there’s that that backup of Okay, so what country do you live in? Or what state do you live in? And it might even be a small background check. If you find that you’re getting a little bit serious. Jason? Yeah.
Damona 26:39
I do think that it’s cool right now that we can expand our dating criteria like I live in Los Angeles and my clients here, like won’t date beyond a 10 mile radius traffic. That could be an hour long distance relationship. But now I’m really encouraging people to expand their search criteria, maybe throughout the state. Or maybe throughout the world because we can and this is a, I think we’ll look back at this time. If we survive it will look back at this time. I know we have to laugh about it because that’s laughing to keep from crying. But if we come out of this on the other side, I think we’ll kind of look back at this as almost like this magical time that we won’t get back of when we could date differently. We could expand our search criteria, we could date someone in another country and let that be okay and see if we can make a connection. But I want to get really tactical too on how to start conversations. I know you’re the creator of the love deck. Tell us what the love deck is and give me a couple of of good conversation starters when you are building from from from virtual scratch.
Coach Cass 27:53
Alright, so I created the love deck damona really because I realized, just think about it. What are the conversations We have a normal day to day life. What do you want to eat? and good night? You know, like, most conversations around food? Yeah, how was your day what you’re watching? And and, and that’s about it right and and we don’t really learn anything and I find that most of the times, you know we date in a bubble and so we don’t ask real questions. It’s just that chemistry and the physical attraction. And then you go from there and then you’re engaged and married like, oh, wait a second did I choose right and this whole situation? So the love deck is really to help you think of more meaningful conversations like Where did you learn about money? Right, like, hmm, or where did you learn about love? How important is sex to you? You know, there’s simple things that we really don’t ask or proud about. How do you feel about children? You know, that’s always like a touchy subject. But we wait until we’re knee deep to say, Oh, you don’t want kids but I do. Well, how about we talk about these things a little bit early. Earlier, right? Especially since you know, most women are getting older in age and so you know, we don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t in line with our true values. So it’s better to find out early but not in a quizzical type of interview manner. It’s more of a game. More of Hey, you know, I just got this love deck, you know, these are some pretty cool questions. So let’s pick from the deck and see where we fall. Right? And for those who are religious, it’s like, well, what do you normally do on a Sunday morning, right? So it’s like, just finding out what people’s beliefs are. I have a client, right? So she’s a Christian woman, and the guy she was dating, she overheard him talking to a friend saying, Oh, no, I don’t believe in marriage. That’s just a piece of paper. She’s like, Wait a second. I believe it’s a covenant of God. Like, wait a second, you know, and they didn’t really have that conversation. Here it is. She thought she’s on the road to marriage. And then he’s like, Oh, yeah, I guess we could sign it if you want to, like, no, this doesn’t work. So it’s really being able to have more meaningful conversations about what really makes As tick versus just you know what else is on TV or on Netflix?
Damona 30:04
I love that and it makes it so fun. Like you said, it’s sort of gamified these important questions because people are always asking me like, how do I, how do I bridge that conversation? How do I let him know that I want kids sooner rather than later or that I’ve been married three times before? Whatever you’re scared to share. I like that you’re making it fun so people can get the love deck on your webs website,
Coach Cass 30:32
inspire many Yeah, inspire many.com.
Damona 30:36
We’ll put that in the show notes. So you’re you’re a prolific creator, Coach cast. I know you’re all you’re creating. And you’re also you’ve written a book we were talking about, about, like the ROM coms and the story fairy tales, and I talked about that a lot on this show, too. But it’s hard for a lot of women that don’t even Seeing themselves reflected in the fairy tales. So tell us about this new new book that you’re writing and why you’re doing it.
Coach Cass 31:08
All right. So let me give you a little background on Mona. So I, my daughter was turning three and it was my first time trying to throw a birthday party at school. I’m sure you’re probably an expert by now but this was my was my first time and my daughters have a darker hue. So I thought it would be cool right to have a princess have a darker hue because everybody loves princesses. Now, what was disheartening is that I could find nothing. I searched the internet I went to stores. I went everywhere. everybody’s like, Oh, well, what about Princess Tiana honey? She has no birthday cups and plates, which is crazy. And so I really started to realize like, Oh my goodness, on television, there’s nothing there’s no one anywhere when it comes to being cool as a black princess. So I went to lunch with a friend and I was just doing a mock up of a princess and I showed it to her and then I showed it to my daughter Ava and my Data Eva looks at the picture. She looks at her hand. She looks at the picture. She looks at her hand. She says, Mommy, I don’t want this one. I want the other one. I want the white one. To Mona, my girlfriend is white. And she was just like crying. She was just like, I didn’t know I didn’t I didn’t know it was that deep, right. So just go back to the black doll versus the white doll. It’s not that the kids really thought that white was better. But the fact that you don’t see black on TV represented really represented like I wanted to Macy’s Kohl’s, dillards if you go into the children’s section, you will see Elsa, Ana, vamp arena, Peppa Pig, all these other things, but there is no black princess on the clothing, which is a pig for you’ll see the pig okay? You’ll see all these other things but no black princess when every little girl wants to be a princess. Just think about it. In terms of white princesses. We have every variation in every color hair, right? But a black princess. We have one and she was a restaurant. To write and a frog for the entire movie. So I am on a mission right now to create a black Princess, the new favorite princess for every little girl. So just like black girls can dress up like Elsa and I want white girls to dress up like princesses are. So I am on a movement I want this to be a cartoon shirts, TV, everything right? And the first step is the book. So princess are his birthday tradition is out on April 8. And I just pray that everyone really supports it to become a best seller and to push it to really become the movement of representation that it needs to be and not to stop there. There needs to be more but you know, this is just to get the foot in the door. Yeah,
Damona 33:43
that is so awesome. And like you said representation matters. And I really feel like it does impact the way that we feel about ourselves the way that like I have a lot of black women that listen to the show that have internalized some of these messages that we’ve been getting since the time we were all little girls and, and there’s love, like for everyone like you were saying at the beginning, you know there’s there is there is a happy ending for everyone and there is a match for everyone and we have to see it so we can believe it and continue to promote it out in the world. Coach Cass This is such great advice. I I’m, I feel so fortunate that that we have connected and that we can share your wisdom with our dates and Nate’s audience. We’ll put the link to all of your goodies in the show notes and inspire many. But before we let you go, we have questions that our listeners have submitted for our final segment of the day.
Coach Cass 34:42
Oh snap.
Damona 34:50
Here we go. Coach Cass we have two questions. The first came to us from Mary who by the way, guys, she left me a voicemail. I totally want to hear your voices. And I do, I will text you back, we can get into a little dialogue about what you’re going through. And I’d love to hear your voices and put them on the show. She’s feeling a little shy, so we’re just gonna, we’re gonna read her question, but if anyone wants to call me, you can call me or text me. 424246255 leave me a voicemail there. So Mary says, I’ve been dating someone in another country on a dating app, we’ve been texting, but when we tried to move to phone, it sounded very awkward in business he I let him know that the call felt weird for me. And now he’s hesitant to get back on the phone. I actually want to do a video chat to see if this person is legit because I really feel like we’re connecting. But I’m wondering if this is a good idea. What do you think about this? We’re just talking about like long distance dating. I mean, let’s let’s just first break break down like you’d said earlier the signs of a catfish So what are some of the signs that you tell your clients to look out for?
Coach Cass 36:04
The Okay, so if they live in another country one all right, can we see actual pictures that don’t look photoshopped to is what’s their name? Can you look them up online? Three? Are they making excuses of why you can’t meet in person? Right for Can you never get together on FaceTime? Right? Like I need to be able to see you, especially if you’re in another country and all we’re doing is chatting on the phone or via text. To me that’s a that’s a big sign that that’s not okay. So I need to be able to see you via FaceTime and when I call you answer right away, so all of those things, you know, it’s a big test when someone lives out of the country just because we’ve kind of been scarred by all these catfishing people that have nothing better to do with their time. It’s It’s It’s bad out there Dimona. It’s real bad. So yes, I would say to this young lady that okay if it seemed a little too busy Like remember that different cultures? People speak differently? Right? So maybe he was a little bit more formal. So I would say let’s do the FaceTime because at the end of the day, what I tell my clients, if you’re looking for a lifetime relationship, let’s not waste the time right? So I understand you like the connection of chatting on the phone or, or texting on the phone. But you know, looking for a pain, a pen pal, you’re looking for a lifetime relationship. And if that’s the true time to get face to face, and if you can’t do it in person, do it via FaceTime or WhatsApp or any of the other apps. Yeah,
Damona 37:35
yes, I totally agree with you. And I think it’s a good idea to schedule these video chats like big headline of the episode y’all. big headline. When you are moving from the chat to either a phone call or the the video, chat within the date or off the date, make sure that you are setting the time so you’re not catching someone off guard and that you’re also like prepping yourself. Because Well, this is what I think we forget while they’re filtering us be cute. Firstly, always be cute. But while you’re filtering them, they’re also filtering you. They’re they’re making judgments too. So make sure you’re really ready and that you’re speaking at a time when you both can be most present. Based on the full voicemail, it sounds like this guy somehow got a little bit uncomfortable with the after the phone call. And it could be it could be that he’s hiding something. It could also be sometimes the language barrier like even though someone might sound like they’re speaking really well in your language to you. It might be a real challenge for them to find the words and it that he could be reacting to that. So I don’t know coach cast like How hard would you push it because it sounds like from the voicemail she left me that he’s sort of hesitant now to even get on the phone or to do the video chat. But she’s like, do I invest more time in this texting relationship?
Coach Cass 39:08
Until I know, the thing is that they had a genuine connection, right? So to me, it’s not, it’s not bad to push it, just push it a little bit, try and get on the phone and see if that connection is still there. Because the last thing you want to do is let something go just because of apprehensions on his part, you know, so just help him to feel more at ease, say, Hey, you know, no judgement. I just want to see you I have so much time from texting with you. And you know, for us to move forward. I’d love to see you. And if he doesn’t want to do that, then Okay, we got to let this thing go girl.
Damona 39:45
Yeah, you laid it out in the perfect way to like I talked about inspiring him to show up for you. So saying like, I really just want to see your face and making it more about I’m invested in this connection to and I’m really interested in you and I think you’re really great as opposed to like, I need to assess the situation which you may not be thinking you sound like but you know, reread some of those texts because context can sometimes get lost as well. Coach cast I have one more question for you. This one came to came to us from Instagram. This lady said, a guy approached me in the supermarket back in December, and we started dating and seeing each other Doesn’t that sound like it sounds like a lifetime ago based on like how we lived our lives in December now. So she says as time progressed, our relationship didn’t after broaching it he said he didn’t want to settle down yet. I didn’t want to but I distanced myself from him. Then two weeks later, he messaged to see how I was. We started talking again, but I don’t seem to get much from him. I know he likes me, but I don’t get if he’s just playing a game
Coach Cass 40:59
sound Like games to means a Mona right. So, she said what she wanted, he said what he wanted and like Maya Angelou says, right, you know, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So at the end of the day, yeah, no, that’s not the person for you. He’ll take up your time. Everybody, you know, somebody likes to take up your time,
Coach Cass 41:21
especially now allowing them yeah.
Coach Cass 41:22
It’s you allowing them to do that, right. So I’d
Coach Cass 41:25
say let that one go. Until he figures himself out, like otherwise keep it moving. My whole thing about it is keep dating until you’re married, like, forget it. Like we don’t have time to be exclusive for three years for somebody to figure it out if I’m your wife or not. No,
Coach Cass 41:42
no, no, no, no.
Coach Cass 41:44
No, we need to keep dating. That’s it. Just keep dating right dates and mates just keep dating and mating. And at the end of the day, you’re me. Ma, exactly. And then you just sift them through. It’s like finding the diamond through all this rubble. And so if someone is not proving themselves to really be the one for you like keep it just keep it going and too many times we end up being serial monogamist Oh, well, I’m talking to this guy. So you cut off everything else who
Coach Cass 42:11
said to cut off everything else. Nobody said to do that. Right? Keep dating. That’s it.
Damona 42:17
But definitely, and you really hit the nail on the head when you said she said what she wanted. And I think that is the hardest thing for a lot of singles to actually express like, I want a relationship. I would like this to be more serious. That is so challenging to open your heart and say that so I just want to acknowledge and commend her for doing that. But now it’s in then thank you for invoking my favorite quote ever, like you got the answer. Now you have to hear it. And it may be painful and it may make you feel like you’re starting over again. And it may be frustrating, but I guarantee you it’s not as frustrating as if you stayed in the Situation ship for what another month, two months, three months and then ended up in the same situation. So, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for my Maya Angelou quote. I love it. I love it. I adore you. I am so glad that you were here to share your wisdom on dates and mates.
Coach Cass 43:18
Thanks for having me. Thank you and
Damona 43:21
you can find coach Cass and the real love network at real love network COMM And also don’t don’t miss her free giveaway. How to ace the next date. We will put the link to all of that in the show notes but that’s at relationships for busy women.com coach cast. I’m going to get this love deck too. I got I got to hook up these conversation starters. And you said there’s also there’s also some some uplifting, inspiring messages on the back of these cards right
Coach Cass 43:53
sessions. Yeah, affirmations
Damona 43:54
we all need all of this. Y’all do your vision boards, get coach cast this stuff. Get yourself on track because we’re in this social distance dating for a minute. But we have the tools to help you through it. Oh, thanks for being here.
Coach Cass 44:09
Thanks for having me to Moana. Yeah, it’s amazing.
Damona 44:14
I hope you enjoyed Episode 304 of dates and mates. Again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials. Please do connect with me. Send me your social distance dating questions. Send me your relationship questions. I love hearing from you guys right now. It’s giving me life to give you love advice, so please keep those questions and those thoughts and the feedback on the show coming. If you haven’t reviewed the show yet, it really does help us reach more people heal more hearts. So go ahead and review this on whichever platform you’re listening and share this show with a friend. And please do join me on Patreon. This is my special community just for my super fans, my friends with benefits and you do get benefits from me. including access to my private Facebook group and a lot a lot of extra dates and maids goodies that you may have missed over the years. I’ve been doing this show for seven years. So I have lots of wisdom to share with you there. And you’ll get access to that video training that I told you about and that’s at the $5 month level. So please join us patreon.com slash dates and mates The link will be in the show notes. Until next week, I wish you good health, good vibes and of course, happy dating but happy social distance dating
Sexy Scrabble & Chemical Romance
YOUR BRAIN ON ROMANCE
Today, we’re talking about brain chemistry and romance. Do you remember those ‘Your Brain on drugs’ commercials from the 90s? They were all like, “your brain will turn to mush, and you won’t be able to make good decisions, and your emotions will be all over the place….” Yeah, basically that’s also your brain on love.
via GIPHY
But not to fret! Later we’ll be talking with Noelle Cordeaux – co-host of the “Everything Life Coaching Podcast.” She’s here to help us prevent our brains from turning into mush and give us a guide to the brain for romance.
More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!
DATING DISH (3:30)
Where the affairs are happening right now
This week, Damona received a press release from Seeking Arrangement explaining that their usership is actually up.
via GIPHY
Ariana isn’t spending quarantine alone
Okay so here’s what we know about Ari’s new boo: he’s a real estate big shot, he has a lot of the same friends, and he miiiiiggght basically be Pete Davidson.
via GIPHY
New ideas for quarantine dates
Listen, we’re all tired of Netflix and Chill. Men’s Health has some new ideas to keep things interesting while quarantine dating. Sexy Scrabble anybody?
via GIPHY
MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE (10:45)
Our guest for today is Noelle Cordeaux, the CEO of JRNI and the co-host of the “Everything Life Coaching Podcast.” You may remember her co-host from a previous episode, John Kim – The Angry Therapist.
She’s here to give us a basic “Romantic’s Guide to the Brain” and some perspective on how your brain and your biology affect romance.
via GIPHY
Noelle and Damona talk:
Check out the Everything Life Coaching Podcast podcast on all your favorite podcast platforms!
TECHNICALLY DATING (34:25)
via GIPHY
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Hello lovers, I hope you’re all staying healthy and safe. But I’m hearing far too many stories about people still dating in person right now. Please do us all a favor and just stay home. There are still so many ways to connect. And I believe that in the end, this period will actually improve our connections and be better for dating overall. But in the meantime, we all have to do our part. If you’re still feeling that drive for connection, that desire to have matches pop up in your inbox. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. I just released an exclusive training just for my patients. Patreon friends with benefits all about social distance dating. It covers where the singles are right now, how to have a successful virtual date, how to know if a match is really right for you, and so much more. And that’s all waiting for you right now. If you join our Patreon community@patreon.com, slash dates and mates, the link will be included in the show notes and it’s only $5 to join. I’d love to have you be a part of the community. I’d love for you to keep dating and learning new dating skills working on your mindset working on your dating strategy. And I’m here to support you all the way through this pandemic. And I know your dating life may be stalled at the moment. But as they say, The show must go on we are not stopping. I’ve already told y’all I intend on making more episodes for another seven seasons. So you can still count on me every Monday for your dates & mates. Fix Today, we are talking all about brain chemistry and romance. You remember those? This is your brain on drugs commercials from the 90s. They’re all like your brain will turn to mush and you won’t be able to make good decisions and your emotions will be all over the place. Yeah, that’s basically your brain on love too, because love is a drug. But don’t fret. We are going to be talking with Noel Cordova. She’s the co host of the everything life coaching podcast, and she’s here to help us prevent our brains from turning to emotional mush. But first, I will be discussing this week’s headlines. Producer Leo is working remotely today but she is still churning out the dates and maids and we are sending her much love. We are going to be talking about where the affairs are happening during the quarantine and we have a big reveal of Ariana Grande is new boo. Plus new ideas for your quarantine dates if you’re tired of watching Tiger King and just go into bed. Oh wait, maybe that’s just me. Then Noel and I will cover your questions including, what do you do when you get stood up? And how to tell if someone is just letting you down easy.
Damona 3:24
on the docket for today’s dates and mates. I am going to hit these headlines
Damona 3:33
If you’re looking for an affair, I know just where to go seeking arrangement seeking comm reported that they had a 74% increase over this time last year and new members who here’s what this tells me. This quarantine can make or break it for your relationship if you are already seeing someone right now. But here’s the thing. It’s like It’s like These fantasy affairs that actually aren’t going to be consummated for a long time that are sparking up because people are in this pressure cooker. You’re with your partner all day, every day, all of the challenges that you have that you used to be able to escape are now staring you in the face every morning and noon and night. And so people are turning to apps and sites like seeking and Ashley Madison because they’re trying to escape. They’re trying to avoid looking at what these relationship challenges really are. And they’re just looking for an outlet to be able to chat and make a connection with someone else. Have someone else tell them that they’re beautiful that they are proud of them for what they’re doing that they are. They are happy that they’re hanging in there through this challenging time. We’re all just looking for a little more love and support. But what I would say Rather than turning to an outside person, could we use this moment to look inward at our relationship and see what could be fixed during this time, what you could talk through, and remember not to react to what’s being said, but to really take time to listen and respond thoughtfully and look for solutions. We are going to be in this unfortunately for a long time. And hopefully, if you made a commitment to your relationship, you’re going to be in that for a long time too. And we can’t keep brushing the problems under the rug, drag him out right now. And let’s talk about it in a compassionate way. And really look for solutions to these problems so that you can move forward stronger together in the future. One person that is a lot stronger than she was in her previous relationship is ariana grande de you may remember that she connected with this random Joe in a bar she was she was photographed smooching some guy up and nobody knew who he was. Well, it’s been revealed. It’s a fella named Dalton Gomez. He’s a high end real estate agent actually looks a little bit like Pete Davidson, who I was alluding to earlier, her big breakup from before. And she’s been showing him on social the last few days. But here’s the interesting thing about it. For a lot of you who may have started dating someone right before the quarantine, they’ve decided to quarantine together. And this really adds a big challenge for a new relationship. And she does have a history as you all know of jumping into relationships very quickly. I think she NP or engaged within three or four weeks of dating one another. So she’s done it again. She’s jumped right into the arms of the next guy waiting for her Look, she’s a cat. She’s a great girl, she loves to take care of somebody. And she’s ended up being the caretaker and a lot of these relationships she’s had in the past. But I just want to warn any of you who may be in a similar situation and facing a dating pattern. If you see yourself on the track, for a relationship, repeat doing the same thing that didn’t work in your last relationship, or let’s put on the brakes, back it up a little bit. This is a time to really slow down and evaluate. And if you are quarantining with somebody that you barely know right now, you have to really ask yourself, Is this what I want for my future? if let’s say one of us gets it, do I want to be sitting here sick with this person? Is this person going to be there for me? If If I need the support down the road, you may not know I don’t know. Maybe Dalton Gomez will be that for Ariana Grande day, but let’s just take a beat and Look at our relationship history, and decide if we want our relationship past to also be our relationship future.
If you’re looking for a quarantine date Men’s Health to the rescue, I will put the link to this in the show notes. I got to tell you, there were some pretty racy suggestions here. But there were also some very cute ideas like building a pillow for if you don’t have private outdoor access. I don’t know about you. But I remember as a kid, building a pillow for was one of the most exciting things I did. And you could do it inside the house. You don’t have to go out and it adds just this level of playfulness and feeling of nostalgia which is something you’ve probably heard me say on the show before that really can bond you to someone so I thought that was a super cute idea from mental. If you want to get a little risque. This isn’t even like close to one of the more risky ideas but they suggested playing strip scratching My husband and I, during our what was it our 30th wedding anniversary, I’m embarrassed. I don’t remember which University. He was our 12. Last year, we went to a hotel that had this cool little lounge with games in it. And we played the most fun game of Scrabble ever, over drinks. never occurred to me to play strip Scrabble. So maybe you could get a little creative. You could have a karaoke night. There’s a lot of apps that can connect you and there’s a link to one in the men’s health article. You could play a game of Never have I ever I also, if you followed the last TV series that I did a question of love that was based on the 36 questions that lead to love that was in the New York Times, and how asking these intimate questions can really bond you to your partner. If it bonded strangers, just imagine what it could do for someone that you’re already in a relationship with. But hey, maybe that is something you could try. If you’re doing virtual quarantine dates as well, there’s so many ideas out there. There’s so many ways that we can be creative and innovate. During this time. I just asked that you please stay home let’s, let’s flatten the curve. But let’s pique our interest in our current relationship or possibly in a new relationship. And in just a moment, we will have Noel corto, who’s the co host of the everything life coaching podcast, and the co founder of journey coaching, talking about your brain on drugs, the drug of love, I cannot wait.
We’re here with Noel Cordell. She is the CEO of journey and that’s about Jr. and I they are a coaching platform that trains coaches, and she’s also the co host of the everything life coaching podcast. You may remember her co hosts from that show from a previous episode. JOHN Kim the angry therapist great episode, check that out. But first, today we have to talk because Noel is going to be giving us the basic romantics guide to the brain and some perspective on how your brain and your biology actually affects romance. I am so pumped for today’s episode you guys know I’m, I’m all about this brain chemistry and nerding out on love. So luckily today, I don’t have to do it alone, please get big smooches to Noel Cordeaux.
Noelle Cordeaux 11:30
Thank you so much for having me. And honestly, I don’t like doing it alone either. So this
Damona 11:36
this is a wonderful day, I am really pumped because so many of my listeners feel like they’re kind of on this, this, this journey not to use it to use your own term, this journey of love and feeling like they don’t have any control over it. They don’t really understand what’s happening in their body. They don’t understand dating apps. They don’t understand how they’re reacting to people on dates, and they’re Just kind of going through the motions like there has to be a better way. And I find that the better way to start that way to solve most problems I’m sure as a coach you you would agree with this is to first figure out what the heck is going on
Noelle Cordeaux 12:14
100% 100% I, you know, I say to my students at journey coaching and to my clients, it’s not you, it’s your brain. Okay, so let’s talk
Damona 12:24
about that. My Chemical Romance there are three human brain chemicals that come into play at each stage of romance. Can you talk us through that?
Noelle Cordeaux 12:36
Yeah, I sure can. And you know that some of these chemicals teamed up with each other. So there’s a lot of complex processes, but I think the most important piece of information that I can drop is the bomb, that when you experience romantic love, it’s actually not an emotion. It is a it is a hardwired motivator. system that’s evolutionary, and it’s been built up over the history of humankind, to enable humans to find and maintain intimate relationships with a preferred partner.
Damona 13:15
Oh, wait, that’s deep. We have to back that up for a second. Because there’s a lot in there. You said love is not an emotion. We are basically biologically wired for it. So explain how that plays out then in today’s
Noelle Cordeaux 13:32
in today’s world of dating,
Noelle Cordeaux 13:34
yeah. So you know, the feeling the chemical feelings of romance are not the only motivational system that we have hardwired in our body. So another really common one is our negativity bias that’s associated with a fight or flight response. So the way that that works is because our ancestors used to have to physically outrun danger. We are naturally attuned to that which is negative. It really doesn’t help us out in modern life. Same deal with romantic love. Obviously, everyone loves love. We see it reflected in movies and poetry and music and all of the things that humans produce. So it’s clearly a huge and vital part of our existence and the purpose of it is procreation of the species. So whenever we’re feeling these feelings, we kind of have to step back and say, okay, there’s something deeper going on here. There are unconscious drives, there are chemicals, neurotransmitters that are coursing through our body that are kind of hijacking. our capacity to choose for ourselves how we respond and react in situations where romantic love is on the table.
Damona 14:50
That sounds complicated. Noel
Damona 14:54
In all seriousness, you know, I’ve said before on the show that I don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust at first sight. But I think I believe in slow love and that love. True love develops over time. What’s your reaction to that?
Noelle Cordeaux 15:14
You’re pretty spot on with the way the chemicals work,
Damona 15:18
guys, I didn’t pay her to say that or anything. But you know, I’m saying I’m saying it from a from an experiential point of view of watching how my clients have developed relationships over the last 15 years that I’ve been doing this Tell me from like the more brain chemistry perspective, what’s really going on in that?
Noelle Cordeaux 15:38
Yeah, so so when you fall in romantic love with someone, for men, it tends to be visually based for women, it tends to be emotionally based and, and that’s not as terrible as it sounds. You know, from an evolutionary perspective, symmetry is what typically tipped off on ourselves. species that somebody was healthy. So symmetry is attractive for people and men are more susceptible to focusing on symmetry than women. Women are looking for stability from partner. That’s where the emotional piece comes in. And again, this isn’t based in you know, kind of hearsay this is these are long held evolutionary traits. So, the deep cut is that we, we evolved from bonobos in this particular regard. We have a 90% DNA match with bonobos, which are chimpanzees. And these guys used to live in tree tops, and when they lived in tree tops, they were a non monogamous species. When they fell out of the trees and began living on the ground, though women were female, but no bows needed men to take care of them or males to take care of them and then they began serial monogamy and then humans evolved from that
Damona 16:58
gives a whole different tone to the term swinging.
Noelle Cordeaux 17:02
Oh, yeah.
Damona 17:06
Okay, sorry for the corny joke, but I know a lot of people listening are thinking that was evolution, right. But we’re modern. We don’t have to be. We don’t have to be married to this old model of how relationships were formed.
Noelle Cordeaux 17:27
Absolutely. What do you say to that? We do not have to be. We can choose we absolutely have determination. But what we don’t have control over is our brain chemistry. So when there there are two types of romantic love reciprocated and unrequited. And they’re very different beasts. And so you know, everybody listening, think about what it feels like to fall in love. That means that you have focused attention on that person that there’s magnification you have pink lenses, there intrusive thinking you can’t get that person out of your head you feel exhilaration, torrents of emotion, yearning for them looking for clues. How many times have you guys seen people like listening to songs looking for clues about the person they’re interested in? And all of those behavioral markers are actually driven by neurotransmitters that start showing up when our brain gets tipped off that, hey, I might have a meeting partner.
Damona 18:29
Okay, so you’re telling me basically we are working against our own biology, like when when we say, Well, I don’t necessarily I don’t want a partnership or I’m not into monogamy? Is that what you’re saying? Or am I hearing this wrong?
Noelle Cordeaux 18:44
Yeah. So so so when we’re talking about kind of working against ourselves, we have to understand where these drives are coming from. And there’s there’s two different kinds of mating drives. And so we’re using like really technical language here to describe what happens in us not As in certainly humans, but as an animal species, right, so we all have hardwired in us last, which is the craving for sexual gratification. And that evolved in humans, where we’re looking to seek sexual union with a semi appropriate partner so that when I say semi appropriate partner, that’s a genetic match. And that’s actually driven by a sense of smell in humans, interestingly enough, and then the second piece is attachment. And so that evolved in humans to enable our ancestors to live with me long enough to rear a child. And those feelings paired with a long term partner are a really specific part of your brain that grows with courtship rituals, and intellectual conversation and emotional bonding.
Damona 19:54
So let’s talk about that because I mentioned slow love, but I think some of our listeners that are newer to this concept, don’t really get what I mean.
Noelle Cordeaux 20:07
So how
Damona 20:08
does that happen? And like how, what is actually happening in our brains as you’re getting to know someone slowly over time. And I’ll just add one thing. I also recommend that my clients spaced out their interactions. Because when it all happens when you’re in that initial phase, and you’re seeing each other, like every day for the first week, you think that you’re very bonded, and you’re having this flood of brain chemicals, I imagine. And then you get further down the road and the, the feeling changes what’s going on in that in that evolution.
Noelle Cordeaux 20:45
Yeah, so so you’re I’m gonna validate you again, your advice is actually spot on. I’m two for two I two for two with your brain chemicals. So spacing out communication Gives you a fighting chance to disrupt the mayhem that takes place in your brain. So when you first fall in love or when you have that surge of chemicals with romantic love, that period of time with those bonkers chemicals will last 12 to 18 months. So we have to understand that first of all the first 12 to 18 months are not going to be an authentic representation of what you can expect from this person as a partner. So really early on, what happens is dopamine spikes and the other chemical we really want to pay attention to here is serotonin, which lowers so how those two components relate to each other is dobutamine is so very, very addictive. So a text message from that person, contact communication. They liked your Instagram post. That all gives you this motivation set that you keep wanting more You keep reaching for this romantic drug that you’re being fed. On the other hand, serotonin, which is a regulator lowers when you’re in that crazy beginning phase. So that serotonin regulator increases your sense of risk taking behaviors. That’s how people can get very swept away in the early stages of romantic love. serotonin produces a sense of call and mood stabilization. So when that gets hijacked everything kind of goes out the window in terms of actual sense.
Damona 22:32
So we turn crazy is what you’re saying. Yeah, we sure do. We turn crazy. Our inhibition lowers. We’re like high basically high on dopa mean. We’re pretty messed up in that first phase,
Noelle Cordeaux 22:44
very much so very much so
Noelle Cordeaux 22:47
and that
Damona 22:48
that’s for a relatively long time you said 12 to 18 months
Noelle Cordeaux 22:52
12 to 18 months.
Damona 22:55
So this is why we here Well, I thought I knew him and then married him. And this is not the man that I married, you’re saying it’s really not the man that you married, or you’re not the same?
Noelle Cordeaux 23:07
Exactly both all of the above. And if you happen to be on SSRIs, which are a form of antidepressants, or birth control, the birth control messes up your sense of smell. And a lot of times when you go off of those kinds of medications, you’re no longer attracted to your partner because your turn on template was compromised when you first got together.
Damona 23:31
Okay, so so what do we do Noel? Like, do we just take the IUD or do we take his shirt home and smell it and sleep with it? Like how can we retrain our brain so that we can be wired correctly for romance?
Noelle Cordeaux 23:45
Yeah, well, you know, I think that
Noelle Cordeaux 23:49
awareness is the key to everything. So having a pretty clear understanding of the way your brain works, what the brain chemicals are, how they exist, what your experiences In the moment is really valuable information. So let’s talk about testosterone. When you are single, your testosterone is higher. So you know how people say, Oh my god, I got no relationship and I put on weight. That’s because your testosterone lowered and you didn’t feel like working out and you were putting on less muscle and you weren’t as interested in attracting a partner. And then we break up your testosterone goes right back up again, that gets us into fighting form to find our partner.
Damona 24:30
Wait, that’s for men and women.
Noelle Cordeaux 24:32
Oh, yeah.
Damona 24:33
Okay, so that’s, that’s different than what a lot of people hear we hear testosterone just being associated with men really, but for women, it’s also important driver in relationships
Noelle Cordeaux 24:44
very much so very much though. So testosterone has a lot to do with your sex drive, and both single males and females have higher levels of testosterone and if you separate or divorce or breakup, your testosterone rises
Damona 24:59
this Just this is just blowing my mind.
Noelle Cordeaux 25:03
Okay, this is blowing
Damona 25:04
my mind and I know it’s going to blow the minds of a lot of our listeners. What about for those who really want to fall in love? Like we have all the information we know that our brain is basically working against us or working in concert with biological factors that we cannot control you. Can you still fall in love in today’s world? Is
Noelle Cordeaux 25:24
it possible? Yes, it is certainly possible. And you know, there we can work with our motivation system to induce scenarios when we actually fall in love. So I’ll give you the one two punch, I’ll let’s talk about the scenarios in which we’re most likely to fall in love. And then once we are in a relationship that we are kind of looking around and saying, well, this is a really good thing. Let’s talk about the parts of the brain and what we need to do to keep everything going. So you’re most likely to fall in love When you meet someone during a life crisis. So don’t you know try to bring on a life crisis but if you happen to be in crisis start looking around. It’s a really good move.
Damona 26:08
This is this is pretty different. This is a different approach because a lot of times you hear that people like you shouldn’t meet someone in the middle of a crisis because everything in your life is a blur. Like what let’s define crisis for people
Noelle Cordeaux 26:26
like Yeah, boy.
Damona 26:28
Or girl.
Noelle Cordeaux 26:30
Yeah, actually. Yes. So times of stress, make you more likely to fall in love novelty. If you meet someone when you’re moving. When everything is brand new. If you’re having a hard time at work if you’re suddenly meeting a whole bunch of strangers. Anything that is different or stressful makes you more likely to fall in love. When you’re faced with mystery novelty Kwazii dangerous situations.
Damona 27:00
This is why I say no well that you want to do something on a date that has action and activity to it. Rather than just oh my gosh, if I hear of another boring dinner date, but if you do something or there’s like competition or your, you know, go kart racing and there’s adrenaline, that’s it, that’s a better
Noelle Cordeaux 27:24
first date, right? It is, and it’s all to do with those dopamine levels. You’re kicking them into high gear.
Damona 27:33
And probably also, I’m just just musing here for a second. We hear people meeting at the gym,
Noelle Cordeaux 27:41
does that yes, does the testosterone
Damona 27:42
level there have something to do with that? Likely
Noelle Cordeaux 27:48
and we can smell people I mean, we can you can smell people. And and and that, you know, you cannot underestimate the role of smell. Women are attracted To men whose sweat smells good to them, and that signals that you’re good genetic match.
Damona 28:08
I’m gonna say something really creepy.
Noelle Cordeaux 28:11
Do it Do it.
Damona 28:12
I actually smell my husband like, like, Oh, my God. How like a bloodhound. Yeah, like, go up to him. And I’ll be like, I just want to smell like this is so weird. That is not weird. I can tell him now this is not weird. Doesn’t change though. Like the way that we smell them as like we’ve been together 16 years do people’s smells change in the way that you are attracted to certain smells change over time?
Noelle Cordeaux 28:42
No, the chemical foundation will remain the same. What changes is the the way that you experience pair bonding. So in the beginning, lust is the main driver and then as you go deeper into the relationship, that’s when attachment and emotion takes over. Mm hmm.
Damona 29:03
Tell me more.
Noelle Cordeaux 29:05
Yeah. So emotional attachment is one of the things that keeps couples together, and it goes through four year chapters. So as we’re thinking about this, there is a really specific part of your brain that we want to be concerned with. And it’s the cottage in stealer part of your brain. And this part of your brain lights up, the deeper the verbal, mental, emotional connection. So when you press on that part of your brain, it expands your capacity for pair bonding. So it expands the capacity of the couples stay together if they are mutually engaging with each other and pressing on that intellectual, emotional, void that needs to be filled and unknown. thing to understand about this part of your brain is there’s another time when it lights up. And it also lights up with cocaine and opioid withdrawal. Oh my gosh,
Damona 30:09
I thought you were gonna say like in childbirth. Then you’re like, when you’re strung out on drugs.
Noelle Cordeaux 30:17
Yeah. So you’re similar a breakup and you feel like you’re dying. That’s why you’re basically
Damona 30:26
having like an opioid withdrawal.
Noelle Cordeaux 30:29
Correct from the psychological emotional part of your brain that you need.
Damona 30:36
So wait, how can we get over this though?
Noelle Cordeaux 30:40
Like, like there’s no
Damona 30:42
What is that? I don’t remember the name of that drug. You take like when your
Noelle Cordeaux 30:48
lockers no yeah, you can’t.
Damona 30:51
You can’t go to the hospital and be like, help me I’m having a relationship with Joe. Give me a shot. Yeah. So I do this. With with The tools that we have that are legally and responsibly available.
Noelle Cordeaux 31:04
Yeah, so I mean, first let’s talk about maintaining your relationships. So you know, similar to when you first start dating the role of dopamine is really important. So doing novel and exciting things together, increase adrenaline equals increased opening. Prolonged eye gazing is something that really works to get those brain chemicals rolling in to keep everything pair bonded, increased. Dopamine, he also gives you more feelings of attraction towards each other. So the more does mean that you can direct towards each other, the more you’re going to feel attracted to each other touch also amplifies and exponentially impacts pair bonding. So the more actual touching that a couple engages in, the more likely they are to stay together. And that really specifically triggers the endorphin of oxytocin, which gives That feeling of attachment. And also working out increased testosterone equals increased romance. So staying mentally and physically stimulated is really what we’re talking about. So, and the intellectual piece can’t be discounted here because that’s your prefrontal cortex, the logic center of your brain, your reasoning, and so we need to keep that piece really super alive.
Damona 32:24
That’s a lot to do. But I think we could start somewhere we can start small. And just understanding like I said at the beginning of this conversation, just first understanding what factors are at work is the beginning of that process. But I know through journey, you You not only coach people and help people understand all of these factors and create a plan to move forward but you also are training other coaches to be able to to spread this message. Tell me a little bit about journey and why you have this mission. To to start this company.
Noelle Cordeaux 33:02
Oh, sure. So, you know, journey coaching is a coaching collective. We have coaches from all over the world who have come through our training program to learn things similar to what we’re talking about today. It all starts with a brain. It all starts with, you know, how did we get here? What’s our evolutionary cycles? Let’s understand what makes us up. It’s not you, it’s your brain. We look at the difference between feelings and facts. And we train coaches based on graduate level evidence based work. The reason that we started our company is because when john and i, my business partner both started out 10 years ago, it was really hard to gain traction as a coach. And so we created the company in the community that we wish we had.
Damona 33:46
That is wonderful. And yeah, I encourage anyone who is listening that thinks they might want to help other people in this way to check out journey and see how how they can begin this process because we need more We need more warriors of love and of truth and of authenticity and all the wonderful things that I know you teach in in this program. Before we go, Noel, we have questions that have been submitted to us from our listeners. So I would love for you to stick around and answer a few of those.
Noelle Cordeaux 34:20
Absolutely.
Damona 34:25
Welcome back to dates and mates. We are here doing your favorite segment and mine technically dating.
Noelle Cordeaux 34:33
Technically.
Damona 34:35
All right, no, no well Korto you are in the hot seat because we have questions that have been submitted from our listeners. This one comes to us from someone that says my date forgot about a date that we scheduled 24 hours ago. Last night we set a time place and everything and plan to get drinks after he got off work. Basically I waited at the place for 30 minutes. Send him a text to which he repeated Question mark. I got stood up and he’s so apologetic about it. But is this a red flag? He texted me Sorry I’m a total dick and I deserve to never be talked to again. But no explanation Noel or attempt to salvage? Is this a red flag People always ask me is this a red flag?
Noelle Cordeaux 35:19
Yes. Red Flag. Yeah. Yes. You know, and really, you know, when we’re when we’re dating, one of the things that I always say to my coaches and my clients is, you know, it’s not about whether a certain behavior is good or bad. It’s what’s acceptable for your life. If it is fundamentally unacceptable for you to have someone not remember plans and to not give you an explanation, well, then this person’s behavior isn’t going to be a good fit.
Damona 35:52
Yeah, I and I’m all for like giving people the benefit of the doubt. Like if they’re, look, I have I have goofed up. I’m pretty good with appointments but I have definitely goofed a couple of times and profusely apologized and said, Please like, Can I make it? How can I make it up to you?
Noelle Cordeaux 36:11
But it sounds like
Damona 36:12
from her response to his response to her, sorry, I’m a total dick and I deserve to never be talked to again. He’s not really making efforts to repair the relationship.
Noelle Cordeaux 36:24
No, and it’s kind of a pass off. He’s abdicating responsibility. And instead of you know, owning it, he’s he’s linguistically forcing the choice for the other person to make the call. Yes, you deserve to or not be talked to again.
Damona 36:44
Right. And I would bet, just based on this language, this is not the first time this has happened to him. No. Hmm. But then the question is, yeah, the question is, What can she do to avoid this happening again? Because I found like, my clients really don’t get stood up or ghosted, very often or at all. I can think of one in the last year. But do you have a system that you would tell your clients to make sure that people are showing up for them, and that they’re like honoring their time so that other people will honor it too.
Noelle Cordeaux 37:23
I mean, very being very straightforward with what your ask is, you know, or what your expectations are at the beginning, that if communication is important, if promptness is important, if showing up is important, then let somebody know right up front, hey, this is important to me. And I’d like to see you and so if you’d like to see me you need to show up and communicate.
Damona 37:48
Absolutely. And I was so I was when I was single. This was such a deal breaker for me. Like if someone canceled a date. That was just it and I, I want to make sure that like even though I said, I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt that it’s clear that I’m saying people, you teach people how to treat you. And I can think of so many instances where I was like really excited to go out with someone, but if they showed me who they were, I believe them right away, and I just was like, nope, we’re not gonna do this. And if she gives him the benefit of the doubt, she’s probably gonna end up with him not showing up for her down the road,
Noelle Cordeaux 38:26
based on showing up in different ways.
Damona 38:30
Yeah, you got me? Yep, exactly that Noel. Okay, one more question before you leave us for the day. This one comes to us from a fella who says, I’m seeing a woman who told me she doesn’t want to go deeper because she doesn’t want to risk losing our friendship. Should I keep trying? Or is this a way a soft way to let me down?
Noelle Cordeaux 38:54
I have so many questions
Damona 38:57
based on the information that we have you He’s been friend zoned. That’s for sure. But is it salvageable? Should he move on? What do you think?
Noelle Cordeaux 39:07
So when he when he says, I have been seeing a woman, what does that mean? You know, are we talking about
Damona 39:14
Like, like seeing her face? He’s seeing her face. Okay.
Noelle Cordeaux 39:19
Yeah, I think
Damona 39:20
it’s this casual like this epidemic of just hanging out dates or just like this Not knowing, you know, it’s people just not being in a specific dating situation, but we’re just hanging out.
Noelle Cordeaux 39:37
Yeah. Okay, so So this sounds like a boundary has been set that this woman has said, you know, what we have going on right now is where I want to stay.
Damona 39:47
Yeah, it could be a Friends with Benefits situation, too.
Noelle Cordeaux 39:49
Yeah.
Noelle Cordeaux 39:52
It could be and you know, I mean, honesty is always the best policy like if and it’s always worth a shot, you know, to say to somebody Hey, You’ve told me where your boundary is a See you, I hear you and I respect it. And here’s what I would like. So I’m going to put it on the table. And here’s the threshold that I have for continuing to see you and not having my needs met. So there’s gonna come a time when this casual thing ends, because I want more. And if you want more, let’s discuss it.
Damona 40:22
Okay, now tell me from a, a chemical brain chemistry perspective. When, first of all, if a woman puts you in the friendzone, can you get out of it? And is it different from the man? And then also, if they are in a Friends with Benefits situation, and they’re like, let’s say they are having sex, can you? Can you still like form a relationship with someone else if you’re having sex with a different person?
Noelle Cordeaux 40:57
Okay, we’re going to take these questions separately, the break Because the brain cams are all different. Yes. So
Noelle Cordeaux 41:05
if if you are seeing someone and you have been friendzone. So this is not my opinion, this is like purely from a chemical perspective. So, dudes typically won’t give up the hunt because they’re attracted physically to the symmetry. Women’s minds can be changed because of the deepening emotional intimacy and capacity for support and connection.
Noelle Cordeaux 41:34
Hmm.
Damona 41:36
Go on.
Noelle Cordeaux 41:39
So,
Damona 41:40
so if she’s so she’s friendzone him, it’s,
Noelle Cordeaux 41:46
it’s possible that she could change her mind. It is possible that she could change her mind. What would you have to do? Yeah, what would I do? A he would have to I mean, so we’re talking about that part. of your brain that lights up with pair bonding. So from an emotional intimacy and intellectual intimacy perspective, press on that part of the brain because that’s actually the more important part that the emotional connection supersedes the physical connection for women.
Damona 42:16
Okay, so we’re not saying do that, but we’re saying, if you are friendzone, and you’d like to change it, and you want to devote the next three to six months of your life to try to do that, rather than to pursuing someone else, there you go. There, you know. Now we have to talk about friends with benefits from a chemical perspective, having sex with someone that’s easy and available, even if they are not somebody that you want to pair bond with. Does that reduce your ability to make another relationship happen?
Noelle Cordeaux 42:49
Yes.
Damona 42:51
Tell me more.
Noelle Cordeaux 42:53
So, once you get into that zone, where you’re you’re being in To meet with somebody you’re so remember romantic love is a motivation system. That motivation system wants to keep kicking and complete itself. It goes through phases. It wants to go through the first 12 to 18 months and then it wants to go into the next four year chapter and then the four year chapter after that, basically looking at procreation as the goal. So I know that everybody listening to me is like, I don’t want to have a baby and like your brain and body don’t know that, right? Like, your brain and body are trying to override all of your actual desires. So what you’re doing is setting yourself up for a world of hurt on both sides for you and your partner. And that’s not an opinion that’s just the chemical facts. So when when stuff starts to not work or when love is unrequited or when that emotional piece doesn’t deepen, then we get into a whole series of other chemical reactions that scramble your brain.
Damona 44:08
That sounds painful.
Noelle Cordeaux 44:10
It is. Yeah, it’s stage one is protest. And that’s where we have frustration, restlessness, obsession, panic stress. And then stage two is despair and resignation. And that’s when we have depression.
Noelle Cordeaux 44:30
Women withdraw socially and need to retell their story over and over again. men get angry and engage in risk taking behavior. Not my opinion, science.
Damona 44:43
We can’t fight the science No. All right. Well, thank you for continuing to spread the good good word. If anyone listening is interested and exploring this world of coaching, you should check them out at journey coaching and that’s spelled j r n i Coaching comm or on the socials at journey coaching. Thank you so much for being here, Noel. It’s been awesome. Thank you. Thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed Episode 303 of dates and mates. And I hope I didn’t get too preachy on you about washing your hands and staying at home. But hey, somebody’s gotta say it. You can connect with me on all the socials. I’m still answering DMS and I’m taking questions for future dates and mates episodes. I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. Please connect with me. I love hearing from you guys. And we all could use a little extra community right now speaking of community, I’d love to have you as an official part of the dates and mates community on Patreon, my friends with benefits, get all my best goodies, especially that video training that I just released on how you can still be social distance dating. It’s so helpful, so juicy, I’m loving the feedback I’m getting from my current Patreon Patrons And friends with benefits. I’d love to have you in the club. Just go to patreon.com slash dates and mates. Until next week, I wish you good health and happy dating
Choose Love & Quarantine Courtship
CHOOSE LOVE
They say that choosing love is a revolutionary act. Especially now, with this global pandemic, we need to be reminded that there’s a lot of love to give in the world – virtually in times of quarantine of course.
That said, how is everyone holding up? Don’t give up on love. It may be bleak right now but we believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel.
via GIPHY
Today we’re going to spread some love and a little romance. We’re talking to Tenisha Nicole, host and producer of the Choose Love Podcast. She’s here to convince us why we should all be hopeless romantics.
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH
A Different Kind of Coronavirus Casualty
The divorce rate spikes IMMEDIATELY after couples in China get out of quarantine. Coincidence? Definitely not. Damona and Tenisha break it down.
via GIPHY
Courtship Now
Here/Now has invented a new way to date in spite of the pandemic: virtual hang out group dating. WAIT! It’s actually kinda cool, don’t knock it until you try it.
via GIPHY
CHOOSE LOVE (14:60)
via GIPHY
Check out the Choose Love podcast on all your favorite podcast platforms!
TECHNICALLY DATING
via GIPHY
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Hello lovers, welcome to dates in mates. How’s everybody holding up? I have to admit hasn’t been the easiest week for me. Not so easy to be mom slash teacher slash running both of my podcast slash serving clients slash checking in on parents and friends and family. And oh, yeah, me time. What about that? I’m sure you’re going through the same thing. But I just want to remind you just take it one day at a time and don’t give up on love. It may be bleak right now, but I believe that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I think a lot of great things will come for daters out of this time of having to relearn New dating techniques having to slow down the rapid speed of dating, to actually get to know somebody to filter properly and make sure there’s someone you really want to go out with before we just swipe, swipe, show up and just throw caution to the wind. No, I want you to date strategically and mindfully, I want you to practice slow love. And I want you to be able to be as present as possible in your new relationships. And hopefully today, I can give you a little bit of inspiration on some of those new relationships or maybe the inspiration to start a new relationship, even if it’s virtually. Today we’re going to spread some love and a little romance we’ll be talking to tonisha Nicole, she’s the host and producer of the choose love podcast, and she’s here to convince us why we should all be hopeless romantics. Let’s give big smooches to to Nisha Nicole.
Tenisha Nicole 1:57
Hi. Thank you so much for having me. It’s It’s an honor to be here. Oh, I’m so
Damona 2:02
glad to have you. We need some inspiring stories today. So thank you for sharing a little bit of light and joy and spreading some more love in the world. And we’re also going to be handling these headlines including the biggest casualty of coronavirus plus a totally new way to date in the time of quarantine, then we’ll be answering your questions like should you lose weight with your man? And are there clear signs that a guy is leading you on tonisha? How are you ready to do this? Let’s do
Tenisha Nicole 2:35
Damona 2:39
Well, I told you I was going to cover the biggest casualty of coronavirus. Maybe it’s not the biggest casualty but in my business it is because now that China has sort of turned the corner on handling new cases and I just heard actually then move on. There were no new cases. So that’s Really, really good sign that that things are moving in the right direction. But the effect that it’s having on people’s love lives is pretty, pretty treacherous. Turns out that divorce appointment requests have skyrocketed. Since the quarantine ended around February 24. One office saw over 300 couples applying for divorces in the last three weeks. And this it’s just insane the number of people that are coming forward and being like, I’ve been on quarantine with him. And I can’t do one more day to Nisha, what do you think about this statistic? And do you think it’s the quarantine that that accelerated this or do you think this is something that like those couples would have probably probably been filing for divorce this year anyway?
Tenisha Nicole 3:49
Yeah, I don’t know if they would have filed for divorce this year. But one thing I have noticed when listening to folks love stories is that I should be in things that really You know, makes you realize what’s important to you. And on top of spending so much time with each other, like you really can’t avoid those things that you annoy about that annoy you about your partner. So I think just in this time of, you know, just so much time being spent together, they’re, you know, there are things that you can’t ignore anymore. So, I can’t say that I’m surprised by the statistics, but I do truly feel for those folks who who are going through this right now.
Damona 4:29
Well, it does intensify feelings when you can’t get out and you have to deal with it. I saw one one post on Twitter that was like, this is the time to air all your, all your dirty laundry and like force your boyfriend to face the music and deal with whatever’s going on in your relationship because he can’t run away and hide right now. I don’t know if I recommend that philosophy. But I do know that it’s really it is challenging. Like I can even say, from my own perspective. Usually my husband and I have no friction and we We’ve had to have a lot of like, like nightly sit down conversations just to keep the sanity and make sure that one another feels heard in the relationship. Do you have any other tips for any of our listeners, based on what you’ve heard from people in successful relationships of how they can navigate this time if they are living in close quarters with their boo?
Tenisha Nicole 5:23
Yeah, I mean, I would just recommend I’m actually building a tiny home right now and thinking about how me and my partner are going to live in that space together, but it’s really about making sure you can still have your alone time and like have your own space. Even though you may be in a room together. You don’t really have to be together like you can be doing your own thing. But I do as an introvert believe that it’s so important to just carve out time for yourself and and your partner just so that they can have a moment of rest.
Damona 5:54
Yeah, that’s so important. And I’ve often talked about each partner having their own space in the in the home even if you just have a desk that’s that’s your workspace and that’s your sacred space or a chair that you meditate in. I’m curious though how you would do that with a tiny house maybe you should go for a slightly bigger
Tenisha Nicole 6:17
I mean you can really design homes and ways that you know, it feels like a separate space even though it’s not really but you can still go outside and take a walk. Same with the coronavirus. You can still go outside take a walk with your by yourself or with your dog or with your partner six feet away.
Tenisha Nicole 6:34
But you can still enjoy nature.
Damona 6:37
Yes, I’ve been I’ve been doing that and getting getting out in the world and just like also figuring out the things that make you get centered. Whenever you are starting to feel triggered. Do something that gets you centered because you’re going to lash out it’s all going to come towards your partner and the people closest to you. And we have to choose love, don’t me. Well, it turns out single people are also choosing love during this time. We talked last week about how dating apps are still seeing a surge in new users in communications. But y’all do not go out and meet that person face to face right now. It’s just too big of a risk. If you ask me. You could try something new, like a bunch of folks that joined up with a dating company called here. Now they are doing virtual dating events. And basically, it’s like speed dating on zoom. And they have it very well organized. They have 10 singles log on and they get I don’t know if Have you ever done speed dating Tunisia?
Tenisha Nicole 7:42
I’ve hosted an event but I did not participate because I was in a relationship.
Damona 7:46
Oh, how nice of you to continue to, to share the love. I have both participated. And I have hosted events actually. And I always thought it was a really fun way to practice dating like Those people may not end up being your, your be all and end all. But we have to keep these dating skills fresh throughout whatever long whether it’s two weeks, two months, hopefully not two years, but during this period, we cannot let the dating muscles atrophy. So I think that this is a really great way for people to connect. They just basically time, their conversations just like speed dating, so they get five minutes or something with a person virtually. And then a little message pops up on the screen that says your chat is about to end and at the end, they get a survey and they can see whether they vibe with someone on a platonic level or like a friendly level, or romantic. I like that, that it gives them the option because there are some people when I did speed dating, where I was like, I marked them as like a Yes, because I thought they were cool, but they were not necessarily somebody that I would actually date. But I like that you can say like I think I did think you were cool.
Tenisha Nicole 8:59
Just Not
Damona 9:00
I wasn’t feeling the vibe, but sometimes the vibe can it can expand if you give it time.
Tenisha Nicole 9:06
Yeah. When you say Don’t think like most people don’t know that it’s the one after the first meeting. So I think having those options, those variations of yes is actually a great idea.
Damona 9:17
Absolutely. And while we’re self quarantining, or whatever we’re doing, and we have to be distanced, from other socially distanced from others, that could be a really great way to let the connection develop over time. I’ve talked a lot about the speed of dating going so fast today. Maybe this is a good little speed bump for people to take a step back. And maybe there’s somebody that you had a friendly connection with, that if you continue to talk with them over zoom or Skype or WhatsApp or whatever, for the next few months, maybe something will develop maybe your feelings will change.
Tenisha Nicole 9:54
I have not
Tenisha Nicole 9:57
but I don’t know that it very well could happen. For sure,
Damona 10:01
I’m sure well, I’m sure you’ve heard stories of it happening and in a moment, we are going to lighten the mood. And here are some of these love stories here. Tunisia’s own love story and some uplifting advice and and stories about love in just a moment so stick around and we are back with tonisha Nicole of the choose love podcast. So in choose love you tell these extraordinary love stories to Nisha about people that have found love in different ways and how their romances have evolved. I’m curious what gave you the idea to start this podcast?
Tenisha Nicole 10:45
Yeah, well, I would say it was a series of unfortunate events that led me to start this podcast, but I a little bit of background about me. I have not been in that many relationships. But I have dated quite a bit and I am one of those people who is like a fan of dating. I feel like I’ve had the most fun on date. Like I’ve had some incredible dates with some incredible people. Although those did not lead to relationships. I still had an incredible time meeting that person getting to know them, sharing about myself and things, which I think people should partake in actively. A quick fun note, I’ve never online dated. So I am so interested in all of the things that you do Dimona, in a lot of the guests on our show actually have met their partner through online dating. So I know maybe one day I’ll have that opportunity, but I just haven’t had it yet.
Damona 11:45
Well, but let’s hope not. Because you are dating someone now when you started the podcast. You were single, though.
Tenisha Nicole 11:53
No. So I was actually in Well, yes, sorry, I wasn’t. I was single at the time
Damona 11:58
where you were in a situation What was going on,
Tenisha Nicole 12:01
though? So I was in a relationship for five years. And towards the end of that relationship, my mom passed away. And it was at that time that I realized that that really wasn’t the relationship for me. The guy was a great guy. But we were really in two different places. And he really wasn’t set up to provide the kind of support that I needed at the time going through, I would say, you know, the beginnings of the grief cycle. So I had broken up with him. And that’s when I started questioning love. So that’s why I kind of hesitated like, I was thinking I was in a relationship. But after I dated him after I broke up with him, I was single for two years. And during that time, is when I just got really curious about love and started reflecting about my love life. And I realized that I suck at love. I was like, I probably should get some professional help. So I sought out some things And then I started literally asking strangers about their love stories to give me insights into their experiences, what worked, what didn’t work for them. And then what blew my mind was the different types of love that exists that I had no idea about,
Damona 13:17
Oh, you’ve piqued my interest. What different types of love are there?
Tenisha Nicole 13:22
I mean, so I would, I don’t know, maybe I’m giving that a little bit too much hype. But for me, I had always believed in this, like fantasy love that you see in the movies. And it’s false.
Tenisha Nicole 13:34
It doesn’t happen like that. So fake.
Tenisha Nicole 13:36
And I had always been waiting for that to happen to me and looking for that in these people that I was dating. And I’m wondering why it’s not happening to me. So I think I think just talking to real people about their relationships, it was just like, oh, wow, sometimes, love just unfolds. You know, just day to day but there is something so magical about it, you know, unfolding, but I think we have to start to look at it differently are magical is actually pretty ordinary, but it is still magical.
Damona 14:10
Yes, I agree with you on that. I want to go back a minute to something that you said and I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. But you know, sometimes those moments like when we are we are challenged. And we have to, we have to face things like mortality and these big questions like, what are what am I doing with my life? Who am I bringing into my life, they make us look at all of the other choices that we’ve made and realize that some things don’t don’t ultimately line up with what we want in life. And it sounds like that’s what happened with your relationship. But I did hear that you were together for five years. And that is a pretty long time. That’s a pretty long time. Was there any indication before that point? That The relationship was not heading the direction that you wanted it to go or that, you know, you visualized in this fantasy romance that you had.
Tenisha Nicole 15:10
I would have to say like I was in total delusion, like I was so in line with where I was going, and I was I was like an active partner in shaping it. But it was going to be a relationship where, you know, we both had advanced degrees, we worked in the corporate world. We went to, you know, we went to buy a house, and then we got, you know, we got married, we had a baby, it was going to be that story. But like you said, it wasn’t until my mom passed away that it made me question if I wanted that to be my story. And I realized that I did not and that is never who I was, but I had kind of became that. I became that person in those five years. And I just looked in the mirror and I was like, Who the hell is looking back at me? I didn’t even recognize myself. So I don’t think I realized until, like, you know, I had that aha moment. Yes,
Damona 16:04
yes. And you mentioned a lot of things that are like the box check things like, we have advanced degrees. And we, you know, we, we fit together in these ways. And he’s this and that. And a lot of times people date based on that list on paper. It’s this, but in reality, and we talked a little bit about this on last week’s show, it’s about how do you feel with that person, right? And where are you headed in the future if you continue on the path that you’re going, so you made a change, you made a big change, and then you started hearing other people’s stories and started to look at love differently, and then continued to evolve and change and something else happened.
Tenisha Nicole 16:49
And so, I mean, this kind of really, I feel like happened overnight. But I mean, it was another series of events, but I think these were positive ones. So it led me to quit my job. I moved from the state that I was living in, I went to pilot school, which was something that I had always dreamed of. And then I finally got the courage enough to do it. And then, while I was in pilot school, I actually fell in love. I really didn’t plan any for any of that to happen. But things just started unfolding and doors opening. And I just took every opportunity that came my way.
Damona 17:28
Wow. And you were following your passion. It sounds like doing the thing that really made you feel good about the path you were on in life, and then everything else sort of fell into place. It sounds like
Tenisha Nicole 17:40
Absolutely, and I would say that I didn’t realize it was my passion because I was so afraid of, you know, taking the leap to do it. But it wasn’t until I took the leap that I was able to really embrace it and like realize, oh my god, I love flying planes and I love being in the sky like this is is an amazing, incredible feeling.
Damona 18:02
Yeah, since amazing you found love as well. And so now you’re continuing to share other people’s love stories. I would love to hear from you. You’ve called choose love an unconventional therapy method. Right? What are some of the things that you learned that you’re now applying to your relationship?
Tenisha Nicole 18:21
Yes. So there are so very many things. But I mean, I think the biggest one is, we talked a little bit about it earlier, is just there really is no, you know, there’s not a thing called love a box that we have to check for that we can attain after we’ve done X, Y, and Z. Like our love stories are going to be as unique as the two individuals or more that are in that relationship. And I think that we have to stop trying to make it something and just allow it to be us, you know, allow love to be us. So That was, I would say that would be the biggest takeaway for me. The second one would really be, it was it came from an episode. I remember recording it, we were literally at a conference in the corner, crying our eyes out, as this woman is telling me about her love story. But she was telling me in essence, how, you know, in the beginning, she took love so seriously in the beginning, like of her relationship with her at the time, it was her boyfriend, but she was taking love so seriously. And it wasn’t until he said, like, you know, I love you so very much. But I really cannot. I cannot today promise you that in 30 years, we’re going to be together and then I’m going to feel the same way about you. And I think that’s a really hard thing to hear. But that is also the reality and the nature of life. I feel like going into a relationship. I was always wanting someone to promise me the world and promise me forever. But really, when you start to think about all those things, you lose sight of what’s here and now right in front of you. So, definitely a lesson for me has been to enjoy the present. And yes, of course, I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, but there is no way I can tell what’s going to happen tomorrow. So just be present and enjoy it.
Damona 20:28
Yeah, you absolutely have to do that. And that’s something I’m always telling daters, like, don’t think about where you’re going to go on your next date or when he’s going to meet your mom. Like, think about what’s happening right now. And how do you feel when you’re with that person? But the other thing I love about that story you just told Tunisia is that she also was brave enough to get the answer to the question she was probably scared to ask. And, you know, maybe she didn’t ask it. Maybe she did. But she heard. She heard the answer she needed And she took action from it. And sometimes it’s so hard to hear those things like I don’t see us together in 30 years. And it’s brutal in the moment. But what it does is it frees you up to be able to find somebody that does see themselves with you in 30 years if that’s what you want.
Tenisha Nicole 21:17
Right. And the crazy part about that story, it just, I think it freed up her expectations of you know what it had to look like. And they’ve been married for 12 years, and they’re still going strong. They have two beautiful children. They’ve lived in France and La like, they have created a life for themselves. So just because you don’t you know, you can’t promise the future doesn’t mean that you’re not going to have a future.
Tenisha Nicole 21:41
Wait, so they’re still together.
Tenisha Nicole 21:43
They’re still together. Yes, they got married.
Tenisha Nicole 21:45
How about that?
Damona 21:49
So that’s a good lesson as well. But sometimes hearing the truth doesn’t mean that it’s headed in different directions. But sometimes if you know the reality, then you know what you have to do to to recommit to your relationship so that’s a beautiful story. I’m going to have to download that episode and all of the episodes I hope all of you are checking out. Choose love right after this, but tonisha you’ve heard so many amazing love stories from daters, from couples on your podcast. I know you must have some great advice to share for our listeners. So let’s keep it moving with the next segment with our questions in technically dating. We are back with dates and mates. I am here again with tonisha Nicole, who is the host of choose love which is a podcast all about romantic stories on love. So she’s she’s heard the ups. She’s heard the downs, she’s heard downs that sounded like downs, but then they ended up being ups. So we have questions from our listeners. This one comes So as from Instagram, this person says, If a man wants the both of you to get your health, ie lose weight together, because he’s thinking long term marriage, kids, etc. Should that be taken as a positive thing or negative?
Tenisha Nicole 23:15
So, I mean, whenever I hear advice about love and relationships and dating, I always like to put it in the context of my family. Because I think your partner does, eventually, you know, become a part of your family. And so when I hear that, I think back to the time when I was on my health kick work first starting my health cake, and I asked my sister, I was like, Look, you have two young children. Like I want you to be here for a long time for them. So I’m like trying to get her to come to the gym with me. So I’m like to me when I hear you know, a partner asking another partner to join in the health journey. I’m like, I don’t see that as a negative because I think health is such an important aspect of living a long life and health health reasons can bankrupt families. It can devastate families in so many ways. So I think if you just hear about you know, the intention of the of the question, and not just the shallow I think, you know, things we want to think about it, it can, it can come off a little bit differently.
Damona 24:24
That’s a good way to look at it. I, I just get I kind of bristle whenever I hear someone saying, saying that they want their partner to do something for them, like lose weight, especially. But then I keep rereading this one because initially, I was like, that’s not his business. And then then I was like, well, he wants both of you to get your health together. So that’s saying, I’m not telling you to do something that I’m not doing. I’m saying let’s do this together. So that kind of puts me on the side of actually it’s a good And I think it’s a good thing that he’s showing. He’s thinking long term marriage, kids, etc. It’s just a really tricky thing to try to describe to another person, why you want why it’s important for them to be, you know, healthier, and make them feel the need from them themselves, make them feel like that’s important. Because if you’re just like, you should do this. And then they’ll never stick with the plan. Right, and they’ll resent you for it.
Tenisha Nicole 25:28
Exactly. You really, I mean, I think it’s better to share your intention, like really where you’re coming from so that someone can understand, you know, is it because you don’t find them attractive anymore? Or is it because you’re concerned about their health, now that I wouldn’t be able to answer so
Tenisha Nicole 25:45
easily.
Tenisha Nicole 25:46
I’m assuming that they have good intentions.
Damona 25:50
So we’ll just go back to the simplified version of the question. Is it a positive thing or a negative thing? It’s okay.
Tenisha Nicole 26:00
He’s gonna let you off the hook saying it’s positive
Damona 26:04
it does depend there there are there are definitely follow up questions that we would have but it sounds like overall, he is thinking long term he is thinking about both of your health and he wants to be in the future with you. So that’s that’s, that can only be a good thing. Okay, we have one more question. This one comes from our Patreon group. This person says what are clear signs that a guy’s leading you on or playing games rather than a guy who’s trying to put all the ducks in a row first? What have you heard I wonder what have you heard from cheese love or what have you experienced
Tenisha Nicole 26:41
that great question. Um, I’m like trying to go through my memory Baker, this one because I don’t feel like we’ve addressed this specifically.
Damona 26:52
Yeah, well, I I would say, when someone’s playing games, generally, you know, it’s just we don’t want to hear it. We don’t want to hear it because we’ve told ourselves a story just going back to that fantasy story that you were talking about in the last segment. You know, you you want it to be, you want it to work out, and so you hear the thing that you didn’t want to hear. And then you’re like, well, I’ll just ignore that.
Tenisha Nicole 27:19
Just keep going.
Damona 27:21
So, you know, definitely signs of game playing. I’ve experienced, like people not returning calls or texts in a timely manner. Like if he wants to text you back. If he really wants to talk to you, he’s gonna text you back. Why are you making excuses for him like 234 days later? If he’s only available at certain times, like you can only see him on the weekends. That’s probably that’s probably a big red flag like he’s maybe in a relationship with someone else.
Tenisha Nicole 27:58
What What else have you seen? Yeah, like those are the big red flags for me.
Tenisha Nicole 28:05
Yeah, I mean, just obvious signs of dis dis interest? Like, I don’t know, I can recall a few girlfriends who are just way more over enthusiastic about the relationship than the guy who tended to be. And I think it was those sounds like you’re reaching out to them more than they’re reaching out to you. Those are like the big ones that I can think of for sure.
Damona 28:25
Yeah. And I wonder like this idea of putting all the ducks in a row first, I’ve scarcely met a guy who was relationship ready, who was just like, hold on one second, like, let me let me align my ducks. Like we still have this drive for a relationship or for sex or intimacy, and he’s still going to pursue you. It’s just maybe, maybe he’s not proposing if you are looking for a serious relationship. Maybe that’s not happening fast enough because he’s getting his finances in order. But in terms of dating you, I don’t know that anyone would would be pumping the brakes on a relationship they really want to be in just because they’re getting their ducks in a row when you say,
Tenisha Nicole 29:06
but I do think it can be confusing because some guys will make you feel like you’re dating them.
Tenisha Nicole 29:13
They’re not really dating you. So I think you really have to be careful with that one.
Damona 29:20
Yeah, well, it’s gonna be a lot harder right now for people to play the field. Yeah, because
Tenisha Nicole 29:26
we can’t even
Tenisha Nicole 29:28
it said if they’re not texting you back, right? It’s because they don’t like you because we know that everyone is it.
Damona 29:36
Yep. So let’s just get let’s just air it all out. Unless they have kids like me. They’re just like, how there’s a reason I did not become a school teacher. And here it is. And here it is. But yeah, we just need to air everything out right now. Let’s just let’s just get everything out in the open. Let’s deal with what’s really going on. So we can move forward in truth and hope. Hopefully in love. Thank you so much for joining me to Nisha, thank you so much for having me. It’s been a joy and a pleasure. Same here. I hope all of you will check out the choose love podcast. It’s on all your favorite podcast platforms and you can find tonisha and some more love stories on Instagram at x tonisha. Nicole t n is h A and IC o l e Of course we will put the link in the show notes along with the link to the stories that we talked about in the dating dish. Thanks for being here.
Tenisha Nicole 30:31
Thank you.
Damona 30:32
I hope you enjoyed Episode 302 of dates and mates. I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. I know a lot of you are going crazy right now with this quarantine dating situation. I’m here for you. So you can DM me anytime at damona Hoffman on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and I promise you I will give you some advice, a little bit of an uplift to keep you going as we are all social distancing, but still craving that connection. I will be here again next week with more dates and dates. Until then, wash your hands and happy dating
Dating During Coronavirus & Healing Powers
LOVE IN THE TIME OF CORONAVIRUS
The Coronavirus panic is spreading and the world needs some healing right now. Today we’re using our intuition to heal our love lives as well as learning some ways to continue dating during this time.
This is an uncertain time but love conquers all.
Even though we are in the midst of social distancing, the tools that we have available now could still help you lay the foundation for a future relationship.
Today’s co-host is Clarissa Silva, love coach, behavioral scientist, and former infectious disease specialist. She’s the most qualified person I know to tell us why love is not lost during this time.
Our co-host for today is Clarissa Silva, Behavioral Scientist and Clinician. She is the creator of “Your Happiness Hypothesis Method” which helps people understand their relationship patterns and gives them a roadmap to romance.
This revolutionary approach is based on an algorithm she created and used to meet her husband.
She was trained as a scientist and researcher at the University of Michigan where she received the prestigious National Institutes of Health Ford/Fogarty fellowship.
You’ve seen her on Fox, NBC, HuffPost, ABC, CBS, and so much more!
DATING DISH (2:00)
Love in Time of Coronavirus
Coronavirus is a HUGE issue right now. As the world ventures into various states of quarantine, we at Dates & Mates are wondering: what about love?
Clarissa walks us through the latest trends in dating during quarantine.
via GIPHY
What You Can Learn From Love Is Blind
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months, you know that Netflix’s latest love reality show is sweeping the nation. Have they ACTUALLY solved all modern dating dilemmas?
via GIPHY
HEALING POWERS (10:00)
We are still finding Love in Times of Coronavirus, people!
Now, since you may have a little more time on your hands here’s an exercise I want you to try: visualize how your ideal mate will make you feel when you’re around them.
Imagine waking up on a lazy Sunday with the love of your life. What is your gut feeling when you’re with them?
It’s hard to put into words, right? But it’s something a lot of people overlook when they’re dating with intention. Even if your ideal match is perfect on paper, they can’t be the right fit if it just doesn’t feel like home.
Cheesy? Maybe. True? Without a doubt.
Enter my guest for today: Laura Powers, celebrity psychic and host of the Healing Powers Podcast. She teaches how to tap into your intuition and find that “feeling” you’re looking for.
Laura covers:
Make sure to check out Laura Powers’ “Healing Powers Podcast”!
via GIPHY
TECHNICALLY DATING (34:49)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
via GIPHY
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers Welcome to dates and mates. Today we have two very special experts joining me. My guest for today is Laura powers. She’s the host of the healing powers podcast, and she’ll be talking with us about how using intuition can impact your love life. But first, let me introduce my guest co host for today. Clarissa Silva. She’s a behavioral scientist and clinician and the creator of the your happiness hypothesis method which helps people understand their relationship patterns and gives them a roadmap to romance. This revolutionary approach is based on an algorithm that she created and then used to meet her husband She was trained as a scientist and researcher at the University of Michigan. And you’ve seen her on Fox and on NBC, huffpost, ABC, CBS, and so much more. Let’s give big smooches to Clarissa Silva.
Clarissa Silva 1:14
Oh, thank you, Tamara. I’m so honored to be here in such a pleasure to be on your show again. Welcome back
Damona 1:20
with Clarissa, we’re going to discuss this week’s news like how is coronavirus affecting dating? Sorry, not sorry. We got to talk about it, y’all. And what can we learn about romance from the hit TV show? Love is blind. Then after our interview with amazing Laura powers, Clarissa and I will be answering your questions in technically dating, like, how long should you hold on if a guy isn’t ready to commit yet? And is it good or bad to withhold sex from a guy you’re dating?
Clarissa Silva 1:52
Clarissa Are you ready to do these headlines? Yes, I’m excited. These dating dish
Damona 2:00
Well, I was excited to read on thrive global, which you have written for for a while, but you give this different perspective on dating and relationships with your background as a behavioral scientist and you’re Clarissa wrote this article on coronavirus and dating that you have to read. So this is going to be our jumping off point for the conversation today because the article which was written last week, looked at the the the behaviors of people right now, dating in the time love in the time of coronavirus, and according to the experts that she spoke to including Michael Kay who’s Okay, Cupid’s global communications manager he is saying that everything is like all systems go and 88% of people that they surveyed were like, No, I’m not stopping dating just because of Corona virus. Clarissa I am curious to hear first of all, do you think That anything has changed in the last week, I’m feeling an increase in anxiety. But are you seeing people still looking to date and connect face to face right now?
Clarissa Silva 3:11
Hi, everyone. Thank you. I’m a former infectious disease specialist. So everything that I am looking at this from the lens of epidemic, this is just like anything else. I mean, we lived through HIV and it was the same thing you were told you couldn’t touch, hug, do all the stuff. And we lived through that right but as we go through heftier quarantine periods, it’d be interesting to see like, how much how much in real life connection Are you going to be doing? Right? I still say that video communication will be the primary vehicle of how people will continue to date.
Damona 3:46
Yeah, it’s interesting how that that drive for love is really so strong. I actually talked about video chat dating last week on our masterclass or 300th episode. I said, for those of you who haven’t heard it, I said Mark my words, we’re going to see an increase in video chat dating, and that’s going to become now the primary pre date filter that you’ll be going through. Now this was all before the quarantines and before like, we record this before that even happened, I believe that this is going to accelerate the use of that being a commonplace replacement for the phone call. And people have heard me say on the show before, I have not been a big fan of video chat dating before, but I believe that’s the direction that we’re heading in because we are craving authenticity. And I think we have missed that crucial step of the pre connection before you go out on the date. That’s why we have so much ghosting. But now we when we layer it with also, meeting face to face could mean risking your life. I think that video chat date becomes even more crucial. Do you see people using it as a Still a primary filter? Or do you see people maintaining long term relationships over video chat before they ever even meet in person.
Clarissa Silva 5:10
So that was one that was one of my main drivers of talking to the vet DJ. NET local for love. So local for love is, is built on the premise that hey, this could cut cut the BS and dating have a video chat as your first date. Right so when I asked Vivek Jane Have you seen an increase and he was like yeah over 60% increase as occurred think of the worst case scenario. So the people that are going to go crazy, like the extroverts, right that needs like now you know, not be contained to their space or have some kind of entertainment video format does relieve some of that anxiety. So I think greater use of video and hopefully maybe they transition to to life. You actually mentioned in the article, a quote about people who are staying home and binge Netflix are still matching people online. So that brings me to our second topic for today’s dating dish. The Netflix hit reality show love is blind. I’ve been asked for for,
Damona 6:11
for quotes from so many different outlets about love is blind. It feels like it’s all that’s in my social media timeline other than coronavirus. So everyone is talking about love is blind. What I’m interested in as a dating and relationship coach is what we can learn from love is blind. And I know you you’ve seen the show as well. Right, Clarissa Yeah. Okay, I find this fascinating and spoiler alert for anyone who has not seen the show yet because all the episodes are now released. So it’s fair game for me to talk about the results. But overall, there are 15 women 15 men, six proposals, right six or was it Seven, six or six? proposals, six proposals, ultimately, two marriages that are still together today. And it makes you wonder what it what was the secret special sauce in those pods where they couldn’t see one another and they could only date through hearing one another’s voice. What do you think that was as a behavioral scientist that bonded those people in a way that they were able to build a relationship apart from even the physical connection? I mean, some of them saw each other in person and then weren’t able to really build the physical connection over time. But to the two out of two couples out of 15 potential couples is a pretty good batting average once you say.
Clarissa Silva 7:47
Well, I the only criticism that I have is that I think the show took took the concept a little too literally, right? Yes. Like there are aspects of love that are completely irrational, and that defy logic. Right? That’s, that’s what makes this this emotion so interesting as a sciences, right? If you notice all like majority of, of the couples, the ones that finally hit that final round, but all of them were connecting on like a very emotional level,
Damona 8:22
right? For the two couples that well there’s three couples still together but two couples that were married, what can we learn from their experience in the pods? And, you know, as a reality producer, I thought there should have been more of the conversation in the pods. I felt like I don’t really know the people. But that aside, that aside, something was happening in those pods that really made them feel bonded enough to one another that they would propose sight unseen to spend the rest of their lives with another person. So what can we take from that? And what can we apply to our own dating experience to ask the kind of questions have the kind of experience that they had in the pods and recreate that in our dating life?
Clarissa Silva 9:06
Well see, I think part of this experiment is that we have to remember that these these were people that were of a mindset, right. So with my clients, probably 80% of them are already marriage minded or long term commitment minded. So to get on the show, you had to agree to go through a real marriage ceremony whether you know what I mean, like, so you already had to want and desire marriage long term, right?
Damona 9:36
So it’s intent. You’re saying intent was the secret sauce of the of this particular of this particular experiment that that was the primary filter. Right? Right. I should have learned something from talking to you. And I know you, you have a lot more insight to share with us. So those are the headlines of the week, but we’re going to be taking a different direction. Talking to Laura powers after the break about how you can use intuition to guide your love life. Stick around. We’re here with Laura powers. She is an entertainer, author and celebrity psychic. She also hosts the healing powers podcasts, get it powers powers, she’s going to share some of her powers with us. You may have seen her before in BuzzFeed or on NBC, ABC, CBS or Fox she also was recently interviewed by Will Ferrell on his podcast, the Ron Burgundy podcast, so please help me give big smooches to Laura powers. Thanks so much for having me today. I am excited to get into these powers to like unite powers with you. And I know in on your show, it does tap into your work as a celebrity psychic, but you also talk a lot about health and wellness and the way that different aspects of your life impact other systems. Do people are listening to the show because they want love and you’ve kind of been through this journey yourself to have of needing to address health before love could come your way? Yeah, so
Laura Powers 11:14
our spiritual health and what we can have in our life, our intuition, they’re all really connected. So I feel like we can’t really silo things. So sometimes when people come to me and they’re looking for help with love, it’ll come up Wow, we need to work on your work life balance or your health or something else. Anything that is bringing your energy down will also impact what you can allow and receive in other areas.
Damona 11:37
Okay, so let’s break that down for people because I know there are some folks that are listening that are like, I’m good. I have a great job. I work out all the time. And the only thing that is not flowing for me is my love life. And they may call a celebrity psychic powers and say, what’s going on for me in love? What would you first have them do to kind of tune in into different areas of their of their wellness and Life Center.
Laura Powers 12:04
Well, first thing I do is look at them in particular to see what’s going on, because everyone has a different kind of karmic path and different things that are going on. But a lot of times there’s something in our life that maybe we’re not aware of, maybe we have some boundaries that are not being honored. And when that happens, it’s like sending a mixed message to the universe. So if we’re saying we want one thing, but then another life area, we’re accepting something different, it can basically send a message to universe like, what I want doesn’t really matter.
Damona 12:32
Okay, so you’re saying, if you are you said accepting something, like, let’s give an example. You are at work? Yeah. And you are always the person that they go to? Because you’re always available and you’re always taking on town. Exactly. You’re feeling overwhelmed. Yeah. Is that what
Laura Powers 12:54
you mean? Exactly. That could be one or maybe you have like a really needy friend. You’re always rescuing or
Laura Powers 13:00
You know, girls, you know, and
Laura Powers 13:02
yeah, or maybe you are not taking time for self care, maybe you go to the gym but you’re not giving yourself kind of loving, nurturing energy. If you don’t give that energy to yourself, you’re basically kind of rejecting it and not sending the message to the universe that you want that loving, positive nurturing energy, and then it’ll be hard for you to receive it from someone else as well.
Damona 13:23
And I know you do this when you’re working with clients, you can assess and, and do a scan of what’s happening in different areas of their life different, probably different chakras different messages that you get. I know everyone at home is going, how could I start to do this myself? Is there a way that you can train your clients to get so far on their own before they come to you?
Clarissa Silva 13:49
Absolutely. So I actually do a lot of training. I teach classes, group classes, and then I do one on one training. Certainly learning to tap intuition and understand whatever your gifts are is really important because you know, if you’re a clairvoyant if you’re an empath, and clairvoyant means seeing an empath is someone who feels energies and emotions from outside their body. So for empaths, it is super, super important to really get an understanding what’s theirs and what’s not theirs. Oh, yeah,
Damona 14:13
not I have been through that. Yeah, I’m an empath as well.
Laura Powers 14:16
Yeah. And
Damona 14:18
sometimes, you know, I’ll go into a situation where I’ll go into a new space. And I’ll just feel really overwhelmed. And I’m like, what’s going on? Like, I don’t know why all of a sudden, my heart’s beating fast. And I. And, you know, I’ve done some of this psychic development work too, and getting in touch with, where’s that message coming from and sometimes, like you might sit across from a date, and you feel this energy from them and you don’t know why, like on paper, they seem really great, but you don’t know why. And I really have my clients get into the feeling of being with someone new and what does it feel like when you’re with them? Because that will that will unlock a lot of information for you. Oh
Laura Powers 14:58
my gosh, I’m so glad you brought that Because I think this is true for everyone, but it’s especially true if you’re an empath, if you have that kind of sensitivity. So one of the things that happened with me is I attracted a lot of like very, I would say, successful in terms of societal kind of norms. narcissism in talking about, like, really wealthy men very successful, and then I’d be around them. And I was like, wow, I feel so insecure like, and I used to think when it first happened, I was like, Oh, I just feel insecure because they have so much and I don’t know, but what I realized after a period of time was that I was actually as an empath. They were really insecure as a person and I was picking up on that. So that’s, that’s something to pay attention to. When you’re around someone, how do you feel when you’re around them? If you’re an empath, it’s very likely that you’re feeling what they’re feeling and if you don’t feel good for whatever reason, then it’s probably not a great situation. Do you believe that
Damona 15:57
everyone has an element of psychic ability or empathy. I mean, yeah, everyone has empathy, but empathy on that sort of level,
Laura Powers 16:05
not everyone does have empathy, actually, I mean, I think it’s kind of a shock to a lot of people, but I think it’s definitely a range and that, you know, kind of from zero to 100, or whatever. And I would say everyone has a little something. But what that is, varies greatly. And also, we don’t have any kind of psychic training in our society automatically. Like you don’t when you’re a kid, you don’t learn your psychic. ABCs. Yeah, that’s, you know, and
Damona 16:33
they’ll say, like, trust your gut.
Laura Powers 16:35
Yeah,
Damona 16:35
but no, but nobody really knows what that means.
Laura Powers 16:38
Exactly. No one knows no one has learning. You know, there’s no learning system where people can access that. And I found, for example, when I teach classes and do trainings, it’s amazing to me how many people will come in and they’ll be like, well, I’m just kind of curious. I just wanna explore and then we start doing some psychic exercises. I’m like, Oh my gosh, you are super psychic, but they’ve literally just never practiced it. So I think a lot of people have that. And even just having a few psychic tools can really help. And I was telling you before we started the interview that one of the reasons I got psychic training was because I had a horrible divorce. And I basically was like, I don’t want to ever go through that again. So I got training, I started to look at the guys that I was considering dating,
Laura Powers 17:19
to try to get a better sense of what was really going on.
Laura Powers 17:21
Right? Well, that’s,
Damona 17:23
that’s a high level skill set that you that you’ve developed, but even at the beginning, just assessing what what you have attracted before. I mean, that’s, that’s so much of this process is like and that’s why I begin every program that I do with mindset. Yeah, and with with assessing like who you are, what you want, what have you attracted in the past? What are your patterns? What are your predominant thoughts because also, like there’s a lot that a lot of work that I’ve had to do in reducing the chatter we all have that that inner critic that chatter in our brains and that really blocks Any psychic ability for me any tuning in?
Laura Powers 18:02
And I think a lot of times it’s actually connected with your psychic ability. That chatter is actually different beings talking with you.
Damona 18:08
Sometimes Yes. But like that inner voice that is like talking you out of things. Yeah, judging things. Like a lot of my clients will will come to me, I’ll say, What is your What? What’s your love mantra right now? And a lot of times they’ll say to me before I even ask like, well, there’s no single guys in my city. Well, all the women that I date or after my money, and then the more that you repeat that thought, the more that thought becomes your reality. And then the more you’re attracting, it’s kind of like what you were saying before. Then you start attracting, you attract what you don’t want, because the message is just amplified.
Laura Powers 18:49
Yeah, completely. I agree that we definitely have our own thoughts, but I believe most people are actually basically picking up on thought forms ideas from others. other beings could be other humans could be non human entities. So just like they’re beings of the light, you know, I believe in angels, they’re helpful they will send you positive messages, but there are non helpful beings that will also share negative thoughts. I think of them as like energy parasites, and they will, you know, feed on fear, anxiety, stress, pain, anger, etc. And they will go wherever there’s food, so if we have a lot of negative mind talk, that they are kind of feeding us and they just keep kind of keep that going. Yeah, eat on it. Yeah, that’s
Damona 19:34
true. We don’t want that know, from happening. One thing we haven’t talked about before on the show, and that is something I know you’ve addressed, is past lives. And this is like this is such a, you know, we’re playing on today’s show and looking at what is possible and and so many there’s so many theories of like the love that you attract is somewhere That you have had a history with in the past? I don’t know, I’ll just be like, totally upfront, even as someone that believes in a lot of these things I literally do not know on past lives. But I’ve had a lot of funny coinkidink What is your feeling on past lives?
Laura Powers 20:15
Yeah, I think most of us here have had quite a few lives. And a lot of times when we have some kind of close relationship with someone, it’s it’s very likely that we’ve had past lives with that person. So whether it’s a parent or a spouse or a child, and we are helping each other learn various lessons, and we learn a lesson two degrees. So let’s say this is something came up with a client where she came in and she was having a hard time in her marriage and didn’t feel comfortable. And when I looked at their past lives, she had been the slave of her. Oh, my husband in a past life. Yeah, yeah. So you know it. I looked at her psychically and so she was basically she was wearing a color and like, you Kind of at his beck and call. And it was like when I like the passive was like No wonder, like her lesson was to have stronger boundaries and do what she wanted and not just, you know, do someone else as well have her own sense of power. And just helping her understand that she cried during the session. And she felt this relief but also helps confirm for her why she felt this way because she did feel like controlled and disempowered in the relationship. And then just even knowing that sometimes will help you just have comfort and then be better able to move forward instead of a lot of people will have these feelings but they’ll just dismiss it because it’s not
Laura Powers 21:36
logical.
Damona 21:37
Yeah, I’m sure a lot of people come to you from the logical
Laura Powers 21:41
point of view.
Damona 21:43
How do you get them past that point to see see other perspectives of things that you know, there’s no empirical evidence one way or another about any of this stuff that that you’re talking about? And that and yet, I know you’ve experienced I know I’ve experienced it. I know many of my, my clients, I’ve experienced it too. How do you get people over that hump from like skeptic to believer?
Laura Powers 22:09
I would say most people that come and work with me are already there. But there are people that are just curious. And I think the best thing is just to be open and then see what resonates. And just see what unfolds. You know, I have one client that came in, and he was just kind of curious, started listening to podcasts. And I could talk about this because he’s talked about it publicly. He was on my podcast, and then he booked a session and in the reading, I said, you’re gonna write a book. And eventually that book is going to be your work and you’re going to tour around the world and, you know, talk about it. And at the time, he was like, I don’t know, then he, you know, a year later wrote the book year later was the bestseller. So just being open and just, just sometimes it’s just this information that comes in and also there is more and more evidence about some of these things. So his book is called an To upside down thinking so if you’re very scientifically minded, that book by Mark Ober is all about the scientific aspect of consciousness, and there’s quite a bit in there that’s specifically talking about psychic abilities and intuition.
Damona 23:12
Oh, wow, you’ve inspired him. Yeah, you come here. I’m sure. You’ve inspired a lot of people through your work. Thank you. Yeah, that’s my goal. Well, you and you’re doing the healing powers podcast, talk to me a little bit more about that, and about some of the themes that you’ve addressed and that you aim to address going forward that that would be relevant for dates and mates listeners.
Laura Powers 23:36
Sure. So I think you know, if you’re wanting to improve your love life, whether that’s to find a partner or to improve your relationship, intuition is going to be extremely helpful because it’s basically like the learning the easy way to go. Like what you’re being guided to do is going to help you have less pain and suffering, which I think is ultimately what we all want and and have more love in our lives. And on that podcast, we talk a lot about intuition. Access then then we also talk about the physical aspect because the mechanisms that we are using quite a bit for our intuition and psychic abilities are in the gut, and the heart and the brain. And especially in our society, we have a lot of like gut health issues.
Laura Powers 24:16
Yeah. Talk to us about Oh, just
Laura Powers 24:18
eating poor food. Our microbiome is messed up from antibiotics and our immunity and everything is there. Well, what’s bad for the gut is bad for the brain. Like we have the second highest number of neurons in our gut as we do in the brain. So basically, if your digestion is messed up, your brain is messed up. And your brain is where you know, our third eye is and that area is believed to be in the pineal gland. So if you are physically not doing so well in those areas, you are not going to be able to tap into your intuition, which again, is to help you just navigate better in your life and you experience that yourself as well. You are on a
Damona 24:55
less healthy path. Yeah. Talk to us about your story.
Laura Powers 24:58
Yeah. And so In my case, I was about 55 pounds heavier than I am now I was on sleeping pills. I was diagnosed as depressed. I had PCs, which is polycystic ovary syndrome. I just I was a real mess and was trying to heal it sort of the sort of standard way I was eating the standard American diet. And like, you know, everything was not bad enough to where I was getting a lot of headway and sort of the traditional way. So I started going some alternative health practitioners and addressing my diet. And once I did that, you know, things started to really shift for me. So I, before you move on, you would also mention you had a marriage that ended was this happening simultaneously. Yeah, so that was all intertwined. It was all intertwined. And, you know, I left my marriage, I mean, some big health changes. I started taking psychic development classes. So that’s why on my podcast, we talked about all of these things together, because I don’t think you can just isolate You know, one area of your life, it’s all connected. So if you have, you know, A major health issue immune disorder, maybe your relationships actually are being that come into, you know, view because I think a lot of people, for example, when they have a chronic health condition, there’s usually some kind of a relational issue that’s at its core.
Damona 26:15
Oh, wow. That’s deep. That’s deep and and I think also sometimes when you are so consumed with what’s happening in your health issue, or in another area that is not being addressed, then, like, how can you even begin to think about finding love if you are if you don’t feel well, or you are, you’re stressed from you know, work, family, friends, anything, if you’re not addressing those things, then it’s just overwhelming to even think about opening yourself up to love.
Laura Powers 26:51
Absolutely. And the other thing I’d like to bring in as it relates to love is the importance of following your soul plan or purpose which might seem disconnected from life. But there’s a lot of people when they incarnate they’ve basically decided on a soul level. I am not going to have relationship until I kind of do XYZ.
Laura Powers 27:07
Hmm.
Damona 27:08
Wait, I hear this all the time from the guys that listen to the show. Yeah, they’re not ready for a relationship until they get their finances together until they get such so far along in their career, is that what you’re talking about? Or something even
Laura Powers 27:22
I’m talking about that but maybe not necessarily dark, tied with finances, but your soul’s desire. So let’s say you’re like, Hey, I really want a relationship, but your soul is like, well, until I write that book or I do whatever. I’m not that doors closed. Because maybe on a on a personality level, you know, as a soul that once you get a relationship, all your focus goes on that relationship. True. So I think this is all different from person to person, but these are some of the patterns and things that I see people so just checking in like, what is it that you came here due to so what does that lights you on fire? Are you doing that? Maybe you have a stable Good job. But it’s not your purpose. You’re not excited. It’s not driving passion in you, and then you’ve kind of shut that door down for yourself.
Damona 28:06
Yeah, yeah, that’s, that’s so true. And you know, the same thing in relationships. Like there may be some people listening right now who are in a relationship that doesn’t really excite them, you know, and it’s sometimes there’s a feeling that it’s easier to stay the course than to go through all of the I don’t want to say the drama or the chaos, but you know, to go through that experience of reorganizing your life. But you’ve done it. You’ve been there. Yeah. Through the tough stuff.
Laura Powers 28:37
Yeah.
Damona 28:38
And you were able to rebuild your life in a more, more passion filled way, right.
Laura Powers 28:44
Yeah. And I do see one pattern that comes up over and over again, is just boundaries and whatever you allow, is what you get more of. So the analogy I give to people is that it’s very much like a Netflix cue, which may sound funny, but like Whatever you watch on Netflix, it kind of suggests other show like here’s, yeah, you know, here’s some other shows like that. And the world is like that. So whenever you’re accepting something, if it’s not what you what you want, say no. Yeah, say no. Because otherwise you’re just gonna keep getting that. And sometimes you, you know, it’s like there’s a memory in the queue. And let’s maybe you haven’t watched a horror movie for a year. But you watched that one A while ago, and it just kind of keeps showing up for a while. Yeah, so you have to say no, for a while sometimes because for fully like, the new thing starts to show up that you want.
Damona 29:31
Yeah, I feel like my Netflix queue doesn’t even know me. Like, sometimes it suggests things and I’m just like, really, you think that but in a way, like if we use that analogy, sometimes you’ll you’ll get things that you’re just like, how did this even come into my head, especially you know, I talk a lot about dating apps, online dating. And when you’re in that space of swipe, where you really don’t know that much about the person if you’re not Keep queued into your intuition, and you’re just swiping based on looks or something superficial or something. Like, you know, people will tell me Oh, well, he asked to be over six feet like that is my main criteria. Like, what? There’s so many other things that are much more important than that. But if you continue to swipe it, same thing, algorithms, just like Netflix, it will bring you more of the people that you shouldn’t be swiping right on, or that you don’t really have that, that deeper connection with. If you were to advise a client on tapping into intuition for swiping, how would you do it?
Laura Powers 30:38
Gosh, Well, the first thing I’d say take a look and see what you feel. And then just take a moment pause and like, see what you feel in your body when you think of that person? Mm hmm. Because our bodies tell us so much and most people are just completely ignoring it. Because they don’t understand it. They just don’t even think to do it. But yeah, do you feel excited? Do you feel upset In your stomach, do you feel a sense of dread? Like these are all things that most people are just not even pausing to listen to what their body is telling them. And it’s so important for safety, obviously, with something like, you know, dating where it’s a complete stranger, but also just is this person able to connect with you in the way that you want to?
Damona 31:18
Yes, in a lot of times, we do get the message, you guys get the message, and then we shut it down. And we say, oh, but I’m gonna give him the benefit of the doubt. Or, well, I don’t really know what if I’ll just go out with him and see when we’ve already heard the message.
Laura Powers 31:37
Oh, absolutely. I love that. Maya Angelou quote, you know, when someone shows you who they are, believe them, you know, this is the biggest problem. And I think on a deeper level, a lot of this comes from this but there’s a lot especially a lot of women it can happen with men but as I see a lot with women, where they are in the sort of martyr pattern of trying to heal, save or rescue And what I say to anyone is in that pattern is you don’t have to sacrifice yourself to help someone. And if you do, that’s not actually helping. Because I believe the universe is benevolent. And it can be a win win. You can help someone and be good. Yeah, you don’t have to suffer or die. You know, at this point, it’s usually not someone dying, but maybe they’re, they’re sacrificing their emotions, or they’re being treated poorly. And that is a kind of sacrifice.
Damona 32:28
self sacrifice. Yeah. And you also don’t have to, you don’t have to save everyone. Like I had a bit of a pattern for that before I met my husband, like, I would always attract guys that I thought I could help. And then I was like, I don’t want to date all these guys that, you know, is working as a casting director, like I don’t want to date these actors that need me to help them but at the same time, I would then date these actors and I’d be like, Can I help you? Right? So it’s like you were saying before, like attracting the same thing that you say that you Don’t want. And that’s really not the relationship that you want where you’re, you’re in it to save the other person or to help the other person. Right? It really should be a reciprocal support system for one another. Right?
Laura Powers 33:14
Absolutely. And if that feels like a driving motivation behind the relationship that I’m saying that that’s not a healthy relationship, and that it’s sometimes the hardest thing is to keep saying no, even when the thing you don’t want isn’t showing up.
Damona 33:28
Say that again. For me, Laura, because I think that’s really important.
Laura Powers 33:31
Yeah, it’s sometimes the hardest thing is to keep saying no, even when what you want isn’t showing up. So basically, don’t accept something that isn’t what you want, just because it’s the only thing there because if you keep doing that, the thing you want will never show up because it’s like that,
Damona 33:45
please. Vain cold. Yes. Yeah, that’s exactly it.
Laura Powers 33:49
That that is. That’s
Damona 33:51
the perfect place to end this conversation. Because sometimes there’s this feeling of, well, I don’t want to be alone. So and people say to me, Well, are you telling me I should just settle? No, I’m not telling you to settle. I’m telling you the opposite of settling. I’m telling you to keep that space open until you feel it. Right.
Laura Powers 34:12
Yeah. And spend that time doing things that bring you passion and joy in other ways. Focus on yourself, you know, improving your life, and then you’ll be in a better place and you’ll automatically attract more of what you’re looking for anyway.
Damona 34:25
Yes. Well, those are wise words to end this interview on. I am so excited that you were finally able to join me on the show here in LA. And I’m really excited for what’s next with the healing powers podcast. So thank you so much for being here.
Laura Powers 34:39
Thank you so much for having me. It’s been my pleasure.
Damona 34:42
We have more dates in May. It’s coming right up, so stick around.
Damona 34:49
Welcome back to dates and mates.
Damona 34:50
I am here with my co host, Clarissa Silva. And it’s time to break down your modern dating dilemmas. Clarissa you You know so much about dating from not just the dating coach perspective that I offer, but from a behavioral science perspective and you you have this happiness hypothesis, that tell us a little bit about the half happiness hypothesis and how you’ve how you’ve used that to not only meet your husband, but to help other people.
Clarissa Silva 35:20
So when I was when I was single, and going through dating, I was frustrated and I was using online dating and in real life dating, and I felt like I was completely failing myself. I kept you know, following the same pattern. So then I kind of re engineered a lot of the stuff that I thought was ideal, right? So you you tell yourself, okay, these certain things are, are what you need, then you test it, right? So I was always treating dating like it was a social experiment. So once I put myself through the rigor of Hey, if you if you seriously think that these are the reasons that that your family Right, start start looking at this on a broader scale. So then we started testing out the model. And for two years in a row, we have 97% efficacy, and we reduce anxiety and depression risk and we increase brain health. It’s a decision making model to help you explore based on like five factors of decision making that impede your ability to find love.
Damona 36:25
Well, I know you have a line out the door, people wanting to work with you, but I have a line of people wanting to ask questions. So I’m going to read a couple of them to you and hopefully people can get a little touch of the Clarissa Silva magic. Here’s our first question. This one comes to us from Instagram. She says I’ve been dating this attractive, successful guy for about three months. He’s dealing with some family drama and has asked has been asked to help out his grandma as well as financially support his parents, which has been emotionally weighing on him. He’s opened up about all of this to me. And he said that he doesn’t think he can be in a relationship right now. Right now we talk daily and hang out one to two times a week. And I’m happy with how things are but worried that six or nine months down the line, nothing will change. And he won’t commit to me. He knows I want to be married and have kids, which is, which may be why he’s bringing this up now versus later. Clarissa, is there any hope for this lady on Instagram? Is this a relationship she should be patient with? Or should she cut and run since he said that?
Clarissa Silva 37:33
So there’s only two ways to go about this. He’s already exiting. Right? So I would take that as you’re exiting the relationship, and I don’t think that there is going to be any point where six months, nine months, three days down the line where they’ll evaluate because if they felt like you were part of that whole evaluation, then they wouldn’t let you go because they are going to be confronting different issues that go Grandmother, you know what I mean? And those are not times where people want to be alone.
Damona 38:06
That’s true. I just wonder it’s only been three months. I just wonder if it’s too early. Like if maybe the conversation came out of him feeling pressured? And it’s like, well, if you want me to give you an answer right now, the answer is no. But if, if she continued to be a support system for him, and became someone that was trusted, so that he didn’t want to be alone and didn’t feel judged for having to, you know, contribute to his parents financial well being and help out his grandmother, then maybe he would see you in a different way. But I wonder if it’s just too soon to make a call or to put any kind of ultimatum on a person that essentially you just met?
Clarissa Silva 38:45
Wow. Three months is not a short time. I mean, it is a short time, you know, but it’s enough. It’s enough data for you to know what you know. I mean, like, it’s, that’s enough time for you to figure out which way you feel about a person or which For you.
Damona 39:00
Absolutely. I think the bottom line though is don’t force an outcome.
Clarissa Silva 39:03
Right? To say that absolutely not. And that’s that’s probably what she’s trying to do. But she’s already been exited. So he exited A while ago. But she’s, she’s enamored and wants, wants it.
Damona 39:14
But what do you say to those people? I know there are other listeners that are like, they feel like they’ve been exit exited. But he’s still calling her daily. He they’re still meeting up once or twice a week. So how can she deal with him having exited or opted out of being more serious, but still being in her life?
Clarissa Silva 39:36
Yeah, they’re exited, you’re still you’re helping some optional queue. And that that seems normative to people where you know, it, we would see a difference if people just started saying, well, it’s a mutual exit at this point.
Damona 39:53
I’m not gonna allow this to keep going on top not what I want.
Clarissa Silva 39:56
I draw the line out right people, please. My
Damona 40:01
All right, how about this question? Going kind of a different direction. This one came to us from our new Patreon group, which all of you all can join by going to patreon.com, slash dates and mates if you want to support the show and have more access to get your questions on the show. This person says, Is it good or bad if you hold out from going all the way? And this is from a lady. So withholding sex from someone that you are at the beginning stage of dating? What do you think? Clarissa?
Clarissa Silva 40:39
Good, bad, ugly? Well see, these are the two arguments that are made to me all the time. So we have sex a screener happening amongst certain populations, right? When you when you talk to people that use sex as a screener, they say, Well, I’m not going to be in the game if I don’t have sex with them immediately. Right? And if I hold out the outcome is still the same, right? I’m holding out for whatever timeframe you hold out on. And you still get ghosted, right, like so. So the data point is am I compatible? Is this person going to ghost me? Should I hold off on doing like anything more committal on my ends, and hopefully prevents ghosting, hopefully find a decent person and the end result is ghosting. Anyway. Yeah.
Damona 41:28
So it so the answer is doesn’t really matter. Like you’ve seen it work out if people have sex right away or not, it’s more about the substance of their connection beyond that,
Clarissa Silva 41:40
right? So as long as it doesn’t have any impact on your self esteem, and you’re able to draw clear lines about what people are and what people aren’t in your, in your mind, or you’re getting some actual compatibility data, from the sex of screener then continue to do what you’re doing.
Damona 41:58
Yeah, just to add myself two cents I think, obviously, everything you said is right. But I think also, sometimes now people look at sex as a screener, like you said, like if we’re not sexually compatible, and my perspective is that your connection with someone can grow. And once you and once you have like clear communication with them, if they’re willing to grow with you, in, you know, sexually and experiment and meet your needs in that way, then you can make any situation work. That’s my perspective. Obviously, there are other medical situation, but we won’t get into this. I’m just talking more generally right now. But the problem right now is if you’re using it as a tool, like Well, I’m gonna withhold sex, because then I’ll get the result that I want. That is not the way that you want to think about it. But if you’re like, I’m going to Hold on, because I just love that magic moment when you’re starting to get to know someone and you haven’t crossed that line and there’s all that anticipation before you’ve had sex and you won’t get that feeling back not in that way. And so my feeling is why rush it if you are living in the magic, and it’s not so long where they’re like, this is never gonna happen. It’s not like a Kenny Kelly was blind situation, then why are we in such a hurry? I don’t believe in sex as a as a primary screener because it tells you nothing about the emotional content of that person and their willingness to really commit to you and grow with you. Oh my gosh, we could talk about this forever. But I know you have lots of people to help. lots, lots of behavioral analysis to run. I so appreciate you being able to join us and I appreciated your article, which we’ll link to, and of course, if anyone wants to try the happiness hype This method or work with you personally, then Clarissa silva.com is the best place to go to get hooked up. Thank you for being here. Clarissa Thanks so much to Clarissa for joining us. You can find Clarissa at Clarissa silva.com and you can find Laura at Laura powers 44 healing powers dotnet and of course on the healing powers podcast, this has been Episode 301 of dates and maids. I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. We need your questions. I know this is a crazy time. And there’s probably a lot going through your mind about whether it’s cuffing season, whether it’s social distancing season, how you can FaceTime a date and keep the connection going strong whatever it is, that’s on your mind. I’m here to help you with it. So you can DM me on all the socials at damona Hoffman or visit us at dates and mates calm and you can submit your question there. And we would love to have you join our community of love and support on this show on Patreon, you can see which goodies you’ll get from being a trusted friend with benefits of dates and mates if you check out our page patreon.com slash dates and mates. Next week we’ll be talking to Noel corto on how your brain chemistry might be leading you astray in love. That is a not to miss episode. Until next week, I wish you good health and happy dating
Master Class: The Future of Dating
WE’VE MADE IT TO 300 EPISODES!
via GIPHY
It’s my job to stay ahead of the pulse in dating, so you can focus on being present.
This special 300th episode Master Class is a list of tips based on my predictions for the future of dating.
Did you know that there was a 52% increase in revenue for meditation and mindfulness apps in the last year?
I know what you’re thinking: What does that have to do with dating and relationships?
It means that technology may not be ruining our connection to other human beings.
I always talk to my clients about staying present in the moment. One way to do this is to practice mindfulness outside of dating. Another way is to put your freakin’ phone away. (I’ll tell you how to do this in this week’s episode)
The fact that so many people are investing in mindfulness means that there is hope for the future of dating.
This special 300th episode Master Class covers:
via GIPHY
Here are a few Master Classes that might also help you on your journey:
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR LOVE IN THE RIGHT PLACES?
This is a way for us to connect on a deeper level and for you to get more personalized support from me on your love life.
What is Patreon?
Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating
Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates
What will you get if you sign up?
There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.
Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Hello lovers and welcome to the 300th episode of dates and mates. kind of amazing that this little idea that I had seven and a half years ago, has turned into a movement towards happier, healthier modern relationships. We have seen a lot in the last 300 episodes. Here’s a snapshot at some of the things that were different when the show originally launched. The phrase swipe right meant nothing to you. Matt Lauer was still the host of the today show. Megan Markel was married to a guy named Trevor Trump wasn’t president and party affiliation wasn’t a deal breaker for daters. Caitlyn Jenner was still Bruce. And the transgender conversation had barely begun. The IUD was 900% less common to get as a birth control method. And online dating wasn’t the most popular way to meet. Actually, it was far from it. I could go on and on. But I think you get the point. Modern dating has changed at the speed of light, and it’s going to keep changing. My goal on dates and mates is to keep you up to speed with the changes and create an army of people who love love, and spread more of it in the world. So for the 300th episode today, I’m going to play Nostradamus a little. I’m going to be the Nostradamus of love, and I’m going to Muse about where we are headed in dating and relationships. And then I’ll share my tips and my stories along the way. And at the rate we’re going the future is going to become the Present, unbelievably soon, the maybe we’ll look back at this episode one day and say, Wow damona was so right, that was amazing. Or we’ll laugh and we’ll say, Boy damona was so wrong. Either way, we’re going to have fun along the way. This show today is broken up into three topics that I think are crucial to the future of love. First, technology, the ways in which technology is going to start changing our biology. Second feminism, women are at the forefront of change in all major societal shifts of the last century. And they will be at the center of this next wave of dating and relationship changes as well. Third, connection as humans, our drive for community sex and partnership, rules, everything. And as technology changes and feminism evolves, the way we connect and who we connect with is going to evolve right along with it. And now, part one, technology. Let’s take a look at the timeline of technology and love. computers were first used for dating in 1959. When two Stanford students tried their hand in matchmaking while conducting a class project for the happy families planning services, using a punch card questionnaire and an IBM 650 mainframe computer, they matched 49 men and 49 women. Then in 1965, Harvard students further the idea with a social experiment called Operation match. Millions of daters use the service during the 1960s paying about $3 to fill out a questionnaire. Let’s fast forward a little bit to the mid 90s when AOL launched and they had these chat rooms that were then popularized as a possible place for dating. In the film, you’ve got mail and now Brought online love connections into the mainstream. After that, we had Yahoo personals, Craigslist, personals, and match.com, soon followed. In 2003, after several years of using online dating sites, I met my husband online and became a dating coach. And I really started tracking this stuff. So here’s the deal, not much changed for many years. In fact, in February 2013, I released my book, spin your web, how to brand yourself for successful online dating, because I saw that profiles and the free to join pay to communicate model was about to change. I didn’t know what was coming next, but I sensed it was something big. Then later that year, something major happened. I call it
the Tinder effect on April 1 2013. For our very longtime listeners. You may remember I did a story on this very show about a little app that was taking Brigham Young University by storm. And it gave us a whole new way of dating. It was a free app. It had free communication. And it had the right swipe that did for online dating, which Uber did for transportation. It made it accessible to everyone, and extremely easy to use. The other thing it did, which was an important factor for the success of dating apps, is it leaned into authenticity? Instead of a nameless and sometimes faceless profile, you were a real person with a real name and a real age hopefully, and, and it took the fear away from this idea that you don’t know these people who you’re going to meet on the internet. You don’t know who they really are. Tinder was that game changer that I was anticipating. And it paved the way for the proliferation of dating apps. So here we are at today as many As a third of all relationships begin online. But here’s the thing that’s just looking at dating sites and dating apps. But the entire world of online dating is much, much bigger than that. Think of all the connections that you make online every day, from Twitter threads to Facebook groups, our entire lives have moved online, and so has much of our dating pool. Even when we’re out IRL looking for dates, many of us are still living in the virtual world being constantly connected to our phones. So how will this change in the next five years? Well, I believe in two ways. First, we are extremely close to a no stigma world for online dating. It’s not that long ago that clients of mine told me that they would never try online dating. In fact, I actually just did some new client consultations last week, and some of the things that I heard from Data is is that people still just want to meet in real life. But what we’re failing to realize is that online life is real life right now. And meaning IRL isn’t this romantic fantasy that we remember from the good old days, the world has changed. And you can either be nostalgic about it and get left out. Or you can accept it and get dates. So many people are mad at dating apps. And they’re saying that dating apps are the reason that they can’t date in today’s world. But the bigger issue is that the way that we communicate has changed. There’s a reason that I have a training on the texting trap that I did many years ago. And it’s because texting is at the core of our communication challenges. So much of what we say is conveyed through context and through intonation and body language and We are literally being forced to learn a new language right now to connect effectively with text tools. My tip is to check out my masterclass on how to communicate. If you really want to know how to text more effectively, and use emojis and mood modifiers and gifts as connectors and other tricks to improve your texting connection. I did a whole episode about it. It’s called How to communicate. We’ll put the link in the show notes. But in the meantime, we have to accept that this is for the foreseeable future, our primary mode of communication are you hearing me? This is really important. text based communication is now your primary mode of communication. Most people talk to other humans far more hours and speak to far more people today, through text through dm through email and other forms of written communication. So guess what lovers unless you have Cyrano de Bergerac in your corner, or me helping to write your messages, which you can do. By the way, if you’re interested in coaching, you have to learn this skill, specifically as it relates to dating and flirting. The number one question that I’m asked when people find out that I’m a dating coach is which dating app is best? They want to know what is that magic pill?
And I always laugh because there is no one answer to this question of what is the best dating app. Just as each one of you is different. The app that works best for you may not be the one that works best for your sister or your friend or for me or for any of my clients. I can’t prescribe the perfect app for you. You have to see how you like the functionality. You have to see how you like the matches and the results of each app to make a
Unknown Speaker 9:57
decision.
Damona 9:59
But here’s what I think. is next, the average number of apps that people are on is five. Even if you aren’t actively using five apps, most people have five apps or more on their phone, and five profiles that are circulating in cyberspace, potentially even getting matches that you may never see. So I believe that in the next five years, there will be a return to simplicity, with people choosing one or two apps to use, not five. Yes, I know a lot of you are breathing a sigh of relief right now. Just as we’ve seen a contraction in social media and people picking their one or two platforms to focus on dating apps will be the same way and people will choose their tribe. That being said, we are going to see a contraction in the world of dating apps. We’ve already seen, that match has bought up many of the independent players in this space. I know many of you don’t even know this. So I’ll lay it out. For you, in case you don’t know Matt owns, okay, keep it plenty of fish, hinge, and Tinder, among others. They tried to buy Bumble but Whitney Wolff is holding out. Maybe we’ll see in the next five years that Bumble will become one of their apps too. But my belief is that some of these apps are going to basically March, you’ll see the features that you love from hinge on match. Actually, they’re already doing this as they’ve added the hinge style of prompting questions, and allowing you to react to those prompts into match rather than the classic bio. But this will continue. And as those features begin to migrate to some of the bigger apps, the smaller ones will be absorbed, or made obsolete. Because this is a key factor of success for a dating app. You need critical mass for dating apps to work if there aren’t enough people there that you want to match with, no matter how great the function analogy of the app might be, no matter what great hook, they’re advertising. If the people aren’t there, it’s not going to work. So here’s my tip on what you can do to step into the future, hone in on the one to two apps that you like best, and become a master at those instead of hopping around to whatever app you hear is hot right now, or signing off of an app. Ahem, every three weeks when you start to get bored and new matches start to slow, go just a little further past the place where you usually quit, and see what happens. And I know you all like these free dating apps. Hmm. But don’t get too used to that. It’s one of the oldest marketing tricks in the book to give someone something for free and then you get them hooked on the product until they need that product or service so badly that they’ll pay for it. That free to communicate model is not simple. attainable for these businesses. And they are businesses. Yes, they want you to connect. And yes, they want to spread love. But essentially, they want to make money and they cannot do it on the free communication model. So eventually, we will see them changing over to a pay to join model like the old days of dating sites. Yes, this will result in a drop in users. But what you will get from it is a higher engagement so that you’ll have less ghosting and less of the, you know, those half committed daters that you’ve seen on dating apps up to this point that all of you are writing to me like how do you tell the people that are really there for serious business, from the people that are there to waste your time you slap a price tag on it, and the people that are not serious about it will melt away? In terms of features. Remember when I said that there’s been a move towards authenticity since Tinder made everyone use their real names instead of a made up handle or username. Well, the next evolution of authenticity in dating apps are you ready for this? It’s video. Now that I G stories have popularized peeking into people’s lives and now that the technology is there to support streaming video whether you are on Wi Fi or not, daters are going to start demanding that they see someone in person on video before a date. You know, I’ve been a longtime fan of the phone call. And I’ve been cautious. I’m the first to admit I’ve been cautious about the video call, because you never get a second chance to make that first impression. But I predict
that within one to two years, you will see me giving a training on how to ace the first video call date. And there will be a name for this date and I don’t know what the name will be. Probably bustle. We’ll call it The term in an article somebody will name this phase in the dating process. Maybe you’ll be the one to name it. If you have an idea of what to call the video date, DM me, and I’ll do a poll and I’ll write an article, maybe I’ll write an article for bustle about what this winning name should be. But it’s going to happen, it’s going to become crucial to the dating process. We’ve seen this video component already integrated into many dating apps. So you don’t have to give your number out or your skype name or download another app to video chat. And this is going to be the next big change in the dating process as it relates to tech. So get ready for it and catch your makeup on. Here’s the tip prep for a video call the same way you would for a regular date. And maybe that’ll hold you over until I do that next training one to two years from now. So who will be the leader in the world of dating apps though? Well, to answer that question, We have to move into part two of this masterclass feminism. Part Two feminism in 2016 when Kelly stackelberg was the head of Zoosk, I heard her speak at a conference. She said that online dating only worked when women were made to feel comfortable, and that women were the ones driving the dating process. All that time when you read the fairy tales and thought that the prince was the one taking the action, you misread the situation. The princess was inspiring the prince to take action, even though she wasn’t the one saving him. She was the one pulling the strings to make everything happen. And Kelly was exactly right. Bumble, which she was not a part of is now the second biggest dating app in the world behind Tinder. For those of you who don’t know, Bumble, the difference with this app is that you have to have a mutual match to communicate As you do on most apps, and then women have to initiate with the first message. Women were so tired of having their inboxes filled with guys that they hadn’t invited to their door, that Bumble put them back in the driver’s seat by allowing them to filter and choose who sends messages, but also, too, it asks them to drive the initial communication. This might sound familiar to some of my longtime listeners, who else said that women should initiate sending messages Hmm, who said that in her 2013 book, and for many years before that was even written that that was the process that we should follow. Yes, you got it. I have always known that women are doing the choosing, and that is when the best communication and connections happen. But what’s the real reason that feminism is driving dating today and in the near future? It’s not because of hashtag Me too. Although that is a factor. This may sound a little bit harsh, but stick with me. The real reason that feminism is driving dating today is because women don’t need men. There. I said it, but it’s true. For generations women have needed to partner off for their livelihood. They needed that for a roof over their head to have children to have a comfortable life. women had to have a partner. Even if a woman had the financial means to raise a child on her own. The stigma of having a baby out of wedlock was a strong deterrent. But this is 2020. Women don’t need to get married to have a child in the last year or four and 10 births were two women who were either solo mothers or mothers living with a non marital partner. And that’s according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 50 years ago, one in 10 births were to an unmarried woman and although women are still grossly underpaid in comparison to men. I will not get on my soapbox about that. Women
are now outpacing men in earning master’s degrees and doctoral degrees. And 10 and a half percent of women are now among the top earners in the workforce. And it’s growing. So watch out boys. So that explains a little bit about why feminism is driving manufacturers and dating, but it’s also driving relationships. A study came out a number of years ago that said men and women who shared domestic duties had 50% more sex than couples in which the women did most of the housework. Guys, I have your attention again, suddenly, as I’m talking about sex. Now keep in mind that most of these women who are doing the housework and maybe some of you listening right now, are also still going to work. So while we got ahead in the workplace, we were still living in our homes like it was 1950, which meant that women We’re getting caught in the middle and having to work everywhere that they went. And you know what that leads to tired women who don’t want to have sex. What else? women who are a boss in their position at work, but don’t feel fully appreciated at home. You know, what makes a woman feel like having sex being valued. It’s that simple. We have figured out the solution to this epidemic of married couples having significantly less sex than they did 20 years ago, which was reported on by a medical school in London that did a study of couples in relationships. This study also reported an increase in people wanting to have sex. So we’re not having less sex because we want to have less sex. We’re having less sex, because we just can’t. And leveling the playing field at home for women is the quickest way To get us out of this conundrum. So my tip, if you’re embarking on a new relationship, set the rules of the partnership early on, it’s much easier to do that than to try to change them once you’ve both fallen into the relationship routine, and equality is the name of the game. Now, I have to mention, as we’re talking about feminism, don’t tense up on me. What is feminism really mean? Well, if you Google it, you’ll see that it’s defined as the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of equality of the sexes. It doesn’t say anything about man hating. There is no mention of traditional roles in the household. I sense nothing militant about it. Feminism simply means equality. And that is what we’re striving for equality partnership. But as we define partnerships in the new paradigm, they don’t necessarily look like they did 25 or 50 years ago. Which brings us to our third and final element of today’s show connection. Welcome to part three, where we’re talking about connection and how that impacts the future of dating and relationships. You may have heard me say on the show before that we are in the middle of a communication crisis. But it’s really deeper than that. It’s a crisis of connection. At a time when technology has allowed us to be always on always connected. We are more disconnected than ever, because we’re not running to our technology with a drive to connect right now. It’s our drive to disconnect from the reality that we’re in the need to escape the present moment that is sending us running to our phones. disconnection is driving connection. How backwards is that? But here’s the real problem. The problem moment is all that we have. One of the biggest things that I coach my clients on is staying in the present moment on a date is that that is where all of the interesting stuff is happening. That’s where you find out all the information that you need to know. That’s where you get all the fields. But we are so fixated on our past. And whatever story we’re telling ourselves about the past, or we’re busy romanticizing about the future and what this person might mean to our lives down the road that we’re missing what’s right in front of us in real time. And we are all desperately wanting that connection in the present moment. We are aware of the connection crisis. Why else would there be a 52% increase in meditation and mindfulness app
revenue in just the last year. We are so dissatisfied from trying to escape At the present moment that we are willing to pay to be brought back into it. And in relationships, it’s vital that we are connecting to each other in the now, not over text, which can be time shifted, not over technology, but through direct in person human connection. Here’s my tip, to create more real time connection. Make sure that you are putting your phone on silent during a date, and tell your date that you’re doing this, thereby focusing your mind on what’s in front of you, and essentially telling them the level of focus that will be expected of them throughout the date. As we look to the future, we will see an openness to finding human connection in different ways than we saw in the past. First, the binary is behind us. While the human race has been propagated on this idea of man and woman, and I No much of the advice that you hear on the show is delivered in more of a gender binary framework is that is still the point of view of the majority of my audience right now. Society is opening up to different possibilities that we weren’t even aware of in previous generations, as we are sought out to find this connection. I remember watching the movie Chasing Amy with Joey Lauren Adams and Ben Affleck. And in it, Joey Lauren Adams character declares herself to be bisexual because by defaulting to straight, she automatically cut out half of her potential dating options. Just seeing this one movie and hearing that thought, made me completely reframe my perception of sexuality. So the next week I declared the same thing about my own sexuality. Soon after I declared it I realized that I’m very, very low number on the Kinsey scale, which means I am super attracted to men. But I needed that moment of opening up to the possibility to really be able to explore my options, expand my mind, and go after connection to figure out really what was right for me. And that’s what’s happening right now. We are waking up to possibilities of different gender identities and definitions of sexuality. We are not even really locked into this idea of bisexuality, you can be pansexual, you can be omnisexual, you can choose not to choose a label at all. And that only amplifies your options and your possibility of finding a match who meets you on a deep emotional level. And Mark my words, someone listening to this podcast right now will be in a relationship in five years, with someone of a gender identity that you didn’t think you were attracted to. might be you. And when that happens, I want you to message me. And to acknowledge that this was the moment that you opened the door just enough to let in a deep connection. As we’re talking about people of different backgrounds, and you expect one of my favorite dating topics, interracial dating is going to go through a massive expansion in the next five years. Massive. Okay, I don’t know, for those of you who’ve been watching, love and love is blind. I’m not sure why it took Lauren and Cameron for us to all get the message, but I’m thankful that it put interracial dating on the map. And it allowed us to see what happens when you judge someone truly by the content of their character, not by the way they look, but by the way that you connect with them. Looking at the most recent data 17% of all US newlyweds had a spouse of a different race or ethnicity, marking on more than five fold increase since 1967, when only 3% of newlyweds were married. We have many more things in common than we have different about us. Plus, the only way to overcome our differences is by creating connection across race and across nationality. Oh, speaking of nationality, interracial dating will also be on the rise over the past 30 years k one fiance visa is issuances. That’s a tough word to say. International dating will also be on the rise. Over the past 30 years k one fiance visas have increased by 75% as dating apps and Skype and WhatsApp and
all of these tools have made connections possible from country to country. And we will continue to see more of that. I have so many of my clients that have met and married internationally over the last 15 airs. So if you’re listening to this, and you’re single, your best possible match may not even be in this country right now. Here’s my tip. See what happens if you drill down to the three must have values and qualities in your match the ones that really matter to long term connection, and then take away anything that is a would like to have quality, anything that would deal with location, ethnicity, age, height, maybe even gender, and then see what magic might happen. This is such an amazing time. Our dating pool has expanded so dramatically in recent years. A study of census data in the 1950s if any of you read that book that Aziz Ansari wrote called Modern Romance he, he cited this data that as many as possible Third of people married someone who lived within five blocks of their home. five blocks. You were marrying your neighbors just 70 years ago. And now your dating pool has expanded to anyone in the entire world. This gives us the ability to choose partners who are more ideally matched, but also who can help us expand our worldview. What a wonderful time to be single, and to have choice. Those are my predictions for the future of dating and relationships. I also predict the dates and mates and I will still be here dishing out your advice in five years. Your love advice I want to say I also predict the dates and mates and I will still be here dishing out your love advice in five years. I love hearing from you. So please share your reactions to this episode with me either through social media or throw a review on your favorite podcast platform. And if there’s something in this episode that you think could help a friend out if there’s some way you can expand their mind and possibilities for finding love, please do us both a favor and share this show with them or post about it on social media. So we can spread the love and we can heal more hearts. We will be back again next week with a regular episode but today, I just want to thank you for 300 episodes of doing what I truly love, sharing the love I feel in my heart. And I love that I know it’s possible for you to feel to Until next week, I wish you happy dating
Good Men & Finding Love Again
HAPPY WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH, LOVERS!
You’ve heard us say before that this is the best time in history for women to be single – and everyone else on the planet, too.
I know you’re skeptical. If you’re frustrated in dating and feeling like you don’t have good dating options then this show is for you.
Today, I have a very special co-host joining Damona. You may remember him as her co-host from the groundbreaking TV series #BlackLove where they teamed up to teach black women how to date in New York City. Hard to believe but this year will mark 5 years since that groundbreaking show was made.
Jack Daniels – aka the King of Breakthroughs – is a psychotherapist and founder of the Good Men Introduction Agency, a new twist on dating.
He is a 5-time bestselling author of books like “Stay Out of Your Own Way” and “I Need a Wife – Where are the Real Women?”
You’ve seen Jack in Fox News, Bravo, A&E, Nightline, Lifetime, CBS, NBC, NPR, Real Housewives of Atlanta, and so much more!
And now he’s here to answer the question: where are all the good men?
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH
Are there actually plenty of fish in the sea?
According to this article from the Atlantic, dating economists argue that dating is not a 1:1 market. What does this mean for you? Damona and Jack break it down.
Finally a reality show for single seniors!
The Hollywood Reporter tells us that ABC has announced a “Bachelor for seniors.” Damona thinks this is a great concept for a forgotten market. Does Jack agree?
via GIPHY
Should you date in the workplace?
Recently, WeWork announced that a member of their executive staff has stepped down after promoting someone he was in a relationship with. Damona is very adamant that you should not date in the workplace (Bonus Reading: Damona’s NPR LifeKit episode on dating in the workplace.) Jack disagrees!
via GIPHY
WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN? (14:60)
Jack tells us about his new approach to dating! If you are feeling stuck in your city, trying to find all the good matches, his dating introduction service might just be the solution for you.
via GIPHY
Find Jack at jackadaniels.tv and join the list at goodmen.tv!
TECHNICALLY DATING
via GIPHY
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Hello Lovers, Happy Women’s History Month. So you’ve heard me say before, that I believe this is the best time in history for women to be single. And actually for everyone else on the planet to be single and dating too. I know you’re skeptical, right? If you’re frustrated in dating and you feel like you don’t have good dating options available, then this show today is for you. Today I have a very special guest joining me You may remember him as my co host from the TV series hashtag black love. We teamed up then to teach black women how to date in New York City for that show and it’s hard to believe that this year will mark five years since that groundbreaking show is made. jack daniels is the king of breakthroughs. He’s a psycho therapist and founder of the good men introduction agency, which is a new twist on dating and matchmaking. He’s the five time best selling author of books like stay out of your own way. And I need a wife. Where are the real women? You’ve seen jack on Fox News, Bravo, Annie nightline lifetime and so much more and now reunited and it feels so good. Please help me give big smooches to jack daniels.
Jack A Daniels 1:39
What’s happenin! I’m excited to be here. I’m excited for you. Almost like 300 episodes in oh my goodness, you are killing it right now.
Damona 1:55
Well, it’s amazing to have you here and it’s amazing to hear your take on the topics will be dishing about today, including our they’re actually plenty efficiency, dating economists say no. And finally, a new reality show for single seniors. Plus, should you date someone at work will tell you the pros and cons and then we’ll answer your questions including, is there no hope if you just can’t get past the first date? And how many dates should you go on until you have the DTR? Talk? All that and more on today’s dates and mates? jack? Are you ready to hit these headlines?
Jack A Daniels 2:33
Oh, no, those are those are some deep topics we don’t have. Well, we’re in it. Now. I got some stuff to say. These dating dish.
Damona 2:43
According to the Atlantic, there was a according to the Atlantic, we have to look at dating in a whole different way. There was a very in depth article about the economics of dating and they acknowledge that most people Think of dating as a numbers game, but they were saying that that approach actually can make you suppress your honest expression of how you’re really feeling about dating. It can drive you into loneliness. And it can force you to keep this this desire to find a relationship but but feel like you’re not getting your needs met online and yet you keep doing it because you can’t stop because you’re addicted to it. JACK. I know we’ve been we’ve been doing this for a long time together. But I want to know what you think about dating today. Do you see it as a numbers game?
Jack A Daniels 3:40
I see it as a mess.
Jack A Daniels 3:45
Can you be more specific, sir?
Jack A Daniels 3:48
When you say like a numbers game, I see. So I’ve done this. I’ve done this for a while. And the hardest thing for people to do is to pick right and the more option You have the harder is going to be to actually pick. So they did this interesting study and I can’t remember what university it was at, but it was they did a they did a study in a grocery store, and they were trying to see in survey who bought jelly. So they put out like 16 bottles of jelly in different flavors, different packaging, and then it had people taste them. And they were trying to discern who was actually going to buy the jelly. So they put out 16 and then they put out for statistically 30 was it 30% more people bought when it was only four bottles of jelly versus 16. Meaning that when there’s more options that are available, you can’t make a decision. And it’s just like that when you’re talking about dating, it’s just like that in this dating. There are too many options available. I mean, if I don’t like this one, I can go to this one. If I want Like I can swipe left, swipe right, all these different swipe, swipe, swipe? Is there too many options? I used to be like, you know, I dated the girl from neighborhood or from from high school, right? But today, it’s like, if there’s an infinite number of possibilities that are available, and I think people were taking advantage of it.
Damona 5:21
Okay, we have to break that down. Because obviously, I’m a big believer in online dating. And we have seen a big shift, like you were saying, since even just the 1950s, where your dating pool was basically just the five people who were your age in your town, and as people moved into cities and started to form their own social circles, and we could get into a whole conversation about the way that birth control affected people’s ability to have relationships out, necessarily having to marry that person. There’s so many layers to this conversation. But I think what there is a problem right now in, in dating apps, because we’re shopping, we’re buying the jelly but we don’t we never read the label. We don’t know what’s in it, right? We don’t we don’t know how many calories it has. We don’t know if it’s using GMOs. And we’re just like, oh, that jelly looks good. And we just pick it off the shelf. And then all of a sudden, we’re like, I just read one. Right. And before, like, when I met my husband online, the the application process, the profile creation was very, very thorough. So I felt like I was dating better than because I actually knew more about that person than if I met them by chance. But now we’ve almost done a 180. And now we’re meeting people by chance, except for we’re meeting them on a dating app. And they’re just don’t really know anything and like you said, it is a swipe, swipe. So we’re not making a connection to the people and it’s it’s like this article Saying people are looking at dating someone. It’s like a commodity, but it’s a commodity with feelings. It’s not grape jelly.
Jack A Daniels 7:09
What’s crazy Shelly, right? What’s interesting to me is the whole connection piece. And I think that it’s become so static, that we don’t even look at people as people anymore. Because it I mean, and I’m not saying this to put down like online dating, but I’m saying if I’m looking at a static picture, I’m looking at a picture versus a person. And I don’t have a chance to get to know that person because my insecurities or the things that I value or I don’t value or that I’m heard about the last in the last relationship or from the last relationship, they show up in a way that doesn’t allow me to actually like or get to know this person. And I don’t I don’t get smeller hair hugger. I don’t want to know if she has like, like stinky perfume or, you know, like all of those things that attract us are repelling us a little bit because everything static right now and I don’t have a chance to actually connect, you
Damona 8:13
brought up a really important point that leads us to our next headline about when you are older. Sometimes it feels like you don’t have as many dating options. And as a response to this The Bachelor for the first time they put out a casting call looking for singles over 65 they’re saying, Are you are you entering your golden years and looking for romance? If so, you could be on the bachelor and I hear this all the time. As someone that also does a lot of TV. A lot of times, I’ll ask my people on my mailing list like would you want to be on a show and many times the TV networks are saying they just want it for what quote their audience. So they want someone 25 to 35 and I will I’ve just I’m just putting out the call I’ll get a lot of angry emails towards me of like, Well, what about me? I’m over 65 I’m still looking for love. Why isn’t there a show for me? Now they have answered your prayers. JACK, what do you think this, this show will be like? And do you think people are actually going to want to watch someone over 65 fine, left?
Jack A Daniels 9:19
Listen.
Jack A Daniels 9:22
There’s not an eat. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t get an email from someone over the age of 55 and saying, I want love to. I think it’s a fantastic idea and a forgotten market that hasn’t been tapped into it because you got a lot. You got a lot of spunky, you know, 60 plus year olds that are really like, I mean, I had a guy just I just had a speaking engagement like a couple days ago. guy was like, Hey, I’m out here. He’s like, he’s like 60 bucks. But here’s the thing that I found and I don’t know if you if you found this damona But what I found about People and somebody needs to do something. But what I found and discovered in my experiences is that and the reason I don’t offer the service for elder people, I haven’t been able to find quality connections for women that are of that age, because the men are not checking for the women
Jack A Daniels 10:24
at a parallel age,
Damona 10:25
but I feel like I feel like that is a what they what you put on a an application or what you say you want, and who you’re attracted to are two different things. And so what I try to do with women over 65 is make sure that they don’t go into it with the mindset of everyone. My age only wants to date someone younger because then then you’re then you might as well just stay at home and what
Jack A Daniels 10:51
I’m just I’m like every guy I’ve met,
Damona 10:56
because they’re reporting it, but that doesn’t mean that if they’re attracted to a woman A man who is 65, who’s their own age, they won’t go out with her. And that’s what studies studies show. Men will if you want, because if they find you attractive, they will still go out with you.
Jack A Daniels 11:09
It’s true.
Jack A Daniels 11:12
I don’t know, jack, we gotta give the latest
Jack A Daniels 11:15
interesting to watch, because I think a lot of what we’re talking about is actually going to come up on the show. I know it’s gonna come a horror show. I think it’s just going to be one of those things that I would love to see how to do it just so I could tell my mom how to do it a little bit better in the streets, send your mom
Damona 11:35
on the line and we’re gonna hook her up and you’ll see what I’m talking about. This is why I love I love talking with you jack because we have different perspectives, but we we both want the same thing we want people to find love, but I gotta tell you one place that I do not recommend looking for love is at work. I just did an NPR podcast called Life kit where I shot down all the reasons Why you should not you should not i, where i talked about all the reasons why you should not date someone at work. And here we have another another major scandal we work executive stuffed down this week due to a relationship. His name is Grant McGrail. He was VP of account sales, and he’s now under investigation for a romantic relationship with a team member whom he promoted. And what I said on the life kit episode is that it’s not just about you, when you’re dating in the workplace, you have to consider what are the consequences for other people and here, you know, somebody didn’t get that promotion they were looking for and they’re like, Well, except for Grant has been banging this other chick and not telling the company about it. So I have a hard line on dating at work, jack, but, you know, I that’s just my perspective. What do you think?
Jack A Daniels 12:55
As a tough one for me because I actually date the person I work with so no,
Damona 12:58
but you weren’t dating before. You nowadays? Well, now you’re married to someone that you work with, but you built that together.
Jack A Daniels 13:06
Yeah, you know, I used to be a manager in corporate America. And it’s, that’s a tough question because we spend 70 80% of our lives at work, and the other 20% of going home, and I’m by myself. So if I’m surrounded by people that are of the same age, we have the same compatibilities, the same likeness, and we’re both single. I’m kinda like, this shouldn’t be anything wrong with it, if we’re both equals Now, if the story that you just told he was her superior and she was his subordinate, it gets a little, just a little fun tracking. At the same time, I’m almost like, I’ve dealt so much with human resource issues if they are two consenting adults dolt, and no one is heavily benefiting from the relationship. And they’re just consensual adults having a relationship I don’t really see that much wrong with and I know there’s some complications that can occur. I know that there’s some some. It’s just it’s a touchy subject. So I don’t want to like put my foot in my mouth as a guy. Because I don’t I don’t want to be that guy. But I would. I’ll say this, I would never do it. Only because I know that it’s a tough situation. But I have been around people that have found love and work. And it’s not like, Yeah, he was her boss, or she was his boss. And they couldn’t reveal their relationship at work because of whatever the Code of Conduct was, but they were in love. So I’m like, you know, you got two people that love each other, like, let them do what they do.
Damona 15:01
Well, I respect that opinion. And no, no, no, I respect that opinion. And I know sometimes you don’t you can’t control who you fall for. I would just say think through it. Think of the possible consequences. You can listen to my life get episode, I’ll put a link in the show notes, and see all that like, go through the checklist and really think about it. Because this is another thing, and we’ll talk about this a little bit more after the break. Do you have to go into love mindfully today, and I feel like one reason that so many people are frustrated is that we’re kind of dating by chance out here and we’re swiping right and left like you were saying, and we’re like, oh, I spend 80% of my time at work. So I’m just going to date someone here. And there isn’t enough consciousness around who you’re choosing to, to be with and I know this is something that you’ve you’ve dedicated several books and a lot of your your own personal, personal life, to finding someone That’s not just a match, but someone who’s the right match. So after the break, I want to hear more about your own love story. And what the kind of transformations that you’ve created for people in the all the many years that you’ve been doing this, so stick around with me jack Well, yeah,
Jack A Daniels 16:16
I’m not going anyways,
Jack A Daniels 16:19
we’ll be right. We’ll be right back.
Damona 16:28
We are back here with jack daniels, my co host from the TV show hashtag black love. And jack you know your You are so great at giving advice and helping people see what they really need in love and creating a path to get there. Thank you. But I know you’ve been there before on the path that many of our listeners are on and it hasn’t always been smooth. Can you tell us a little bit about your own love story and then where you’re from Relationship statuses today
Jack A Daniels 17:01
was actually married before to my college sweetheart. We were in love. Everyone looked up to us. And we were like that it couple and we were young. But we were going through life together and everything was great. Everything was fine. Until one day she came home and she said, I don’t want to be married anymore. I was in shambles. And I was totally out of my element. And I’m sitting there in this house with half the furniture gone because she taken it. I’m sitting in I hear this voice that tells me like, stay out of your own way. The phrase, I’d never heard it before. I’ve never seen it and I’ve read it before this was years ago. And that phrase literally changed the trajectory of my life. It it changed who I was inside. I mean I shaved. I cut my hair. I got myself back together, I picked myself off of that Florida I was curled up in a fetal position and I went, and I started activating and walking more in purpose. I quit the job that I hated. And I did all of that. But that’s not even the best part of what it was that I stepped into after I got up off of that floor after I wrote that phrase and sealed it in and embraced staying out of my own way. The best part is I married my best friend five years ago is such a blessing because it has allowed me to just just have and find the love of my life, but also be the love of my life because now I love myself better and because I love myself better. I’m able to love a lot more people not just my wife and my three future girls, I’m about to be a girl dad joined so yes, yes, it just I’m full of love and I love for other people to have it in Well, so,
Damona 19:01
so I want to talk about before you, I, I’m so happy for you, jack and I, when we first met five years ago, you guys were newlyweds. And I was like, oh, and you were just building the life. So it’s really beautiful to see it come full circle for you. But before, there’s a part of the story that I know our listeners are like, But wait, in addition to filling yourself up and feel it being on purpose, and getting out of your own way. There were other actions that you did take to bring the right woman into your circle. And I know you wrote a book and you did also a tour on the topic. It was called the book is called I need a wife. We’re are the real women. And I know for a lot of our listeners, they’re like, I totally relate to that. Where are the real women? were the real men. Can you tell us a little bit about what that tour was? And do you feel like it did bring the real woman into your life that you should be.
Jack A Daniels 20:02
Yeah, yeah. It’s funny you remember that? That’s good. Um,
Jack A Daniels 20:07
the key word is intention. intention is so big for me. I’m intentional about everything that I do. And I don’t do it just to be doing, you know, going through the motions. And I think that most people just walk through life blindfolded. Just jaywalking. Like, like I, but I’m extremely intentional. So I need a wife, where the real women that was my fifth book, huge. And what we did was we did this tour, we toured 14 different cities, over 22,000 people showed up and we had all of these guys on these panels that are saying, Hey, I’m single, successful and ready to be married, but I can’t seem to find a quality woman. I’m like, I okay, I’ll put you out there player. So, we went to all these different cities and we had all these different guests. That are saying, Hey, I love it. And they were talking about relationships, and sex and commitment and all these different things. And for me, I used to walk around with a shirt that said, I need a wife right there was I wasn’t looking
Jack A Daniels 21:16
vulnerable though to even say
Jack A Daniels 21:20
I don’t think I was in my head. I wasn’t doing it for me, but subconsciously, I wanted that I still want even though I was hurt, even though by most men standards, I’d be damaged goods, because I can go and I can go because if that happened if movement most men get hurt like that, they go and they try to hold a way out of healing.
Jack A Daniels 21:43
Right? They go their way out of here.
Jack A Daniels 21:46
Oh, yeah, they just like they go smash everything in like, Okay, well, I don’t trust women. I don’t want it happens. Council like, it happens.
Jack A Daniels 21:56
It happens with women too, by the way,
Jack A Daniels 21:58
I know and i’ll get I was one saying I calcium, so many people. So I hear the real truth about what’s going to let you sleep away.
Damona 22:08
But I said, Yeah, but it’s empty. It’s not you’re chasing a connection.
Jack A Daniels 22:12
It’s just it’s you, you’re looking for something. So for me, the connection that I was searching for was, hopefully I can give that to someone else. Like if I can help someone else receive this. Maybe I’d be blessed enough to see with myself. That was a lie. I wasn’t given just to get but I was thinking like, well, maybe this is my purpose, my calling. So what I want people to understand is that it’s not just about activating your calling and your purpose, but it’s being intentional about what your love story is going to be creating a love story that makes sense to you and playing a pivotal role in that love story. instead of allowing somebody else to direct it. Like you, you are the director. So if you want something You need to go after another thing that I want to say. And I think this is really important because I didn’t do this on my own. Yes, I was able to get clarity about what it was that I wanted, but I was also able to get help. And sometimes people think that they can do it all by themselves, it’s okay to raise your hand and say, I need a little bit of help. So I went got counseling, too, because I had some stuff had some stuff that I needed to clear out. And to your point, damona I could have utilized that stuff as a starting point to be able to just become the most outrageous hole in the world. But I wanted to I wanted to deal with what it was that I was feeling and that’s
Damona 23:49
so I don’t we all have stuff like I’m sure there are a lot of people listening that are like, Oh, I’m operating from my stuff instead of
Jack A Daniels 23:59
have to acknowledge You deal with it is you can’t fix what you can’t face. And I needed to face what it was and who it was that I was about to become. Because I didn’t want to be that person. So we were at a country and we had all of these guys that were saying, Hey, man, I love I love women. And we hooked up so many men 73% of all of the guys that were on that tour, and I’m talking about the people that I picked to be on stages with me. 73% of all of them are now either engaged or married. Wow. And like all
Jack A Daniels 24:37
good stats. Yeah.
Jack A Daniels 24:39
We mixed and mingled and we brought all these people together and women were saying, what, where are the good men? Here they are right here. They right here.
Damona 24:47
So now you’re you’re extending this, you’re you’re still creating connections and opportunities for people who are relationship minded to get out there. So tell us a little bit more about this next phase. Is of evolution for you.
Jack A Daniels 25:01
So I was still traveling around and I was still, like, intermittently, I wasn’t doing a lot. But everywhere I went, I was doing speaking and storytelling seminars and teach people how to tell their stories and clarify their messages, etc, etc. And people were still asking like, well, where all the good men, like? You keep saying this whole bunch of good man. What again? What am I supposed to do that started this campaign that would tell women like, you know, he can’t find you on the couch.
Jack A Daniels 25:35
That’s right. That’s right. Like
Jack A Daniels 25:36
for the last three and a half years, I’ve been saying the same and he can’t find you on your couch. You got to get off the couch, to be able to do something and I know it’s like the online thing and, you know, online dating, etc, etc. So,
Damona 25:51
I do not but I just have to say as far as online dating, I have to remind everyone that if you’re not actually going on dates, you are not dating There you have a profile that did. Yes. So I’m with you, you got to do something.
Jack A Daniels 26:07
Yeah. So are visible.
Jack A Daniels 26:09
So I was I was encouraged or encouraging people to get off the couch and to get offline. And I was encouraging people to do it. But I didn’t have a solution or a strategy or a mechanism for them to actually do it. Because the next question that they were asking me, well, well, where should I go jack? And I’m like, Hmm, that’s a good question. I can answer it. I could tell you or I can show you. So what we did was we said, okay, got all these women. In First of all, there are several great guys out here. I just think that I’m going to say this. I’m just gonna mess up some people I’m just gonna like mess with I’m gonna mess with your listeners just a little bit. I don’t think that there’s a dating problem. Don’t think that there’s like a huge male shortage. I just think women are stingy. What? Wait a minute, let us sink in. Let us say stingy, what do you mean by that? I think women are stingy. And here’s what I mean by that before y’all start throwing tomatoes at your phone. Women have the capacity to be able to fix the shortage tomorrow. Here’s how every woman I talked to has a cell phone, take out your cell phone right now you look at it, scroll through the contacts list. Let’s go to that do not answer list. Let’s go to that list of all the guys that you’ve either dated, don’t want for yourself or don’t like, all of those guys are potential matches for someone else. Just give me five of those guys that you dated, don’t or didn’t want for yourself. They don’t have to be right for you. They’re great for someone else. Let me go through your cell phone. Pick out those guys. I’m gonna take those guys. swap them. With your gut, like put them, put them with somebody else that’s actually compatible with that type of guy, and then take whatever 50 that I come back with because I talked to 10 different women, and I got a pool of like 50 guys, and I’m just going to match you and give you an opportunity to be able to say, Okay, well, I didn’t really have any options at first because all these people I like, but now I have like 45 options available in front of me. Women can fix the problem if they weren’t so mg.
Jack A Daniels 28:35
So they’re keeping me it’s funny like my husband and I had a conversation about this.
Damona 28:40
After watching Little Women of all things, I was like, I don’t like Amy cuz girl code because Joe was with I forget the guy’s name at producer Leah. Leo knows who he was. Lori Thank you. Okay, so Joe. Joe was Like with Laura, like, they were like, they were hanging out like nothing was really happening. But he was in love with her. She was really in love with him, but she didn’t really want to acknowledge she wasn’t really in that place. And then her sister went and snatch this guy, and was like, Okay, well, I want to marry you. And then Joe was like, What happened? And I said, I said, Amy is not following girl code, and my husband could not understand. He was like, they did work. She didn’t want him Joe did.
Jack A Daniels 29:28
What’s the big deal? So you’re
Jack A Daniels 29:30
saying, My philosophy is dingy.
Jack A Daniels 29:35
That’s the problem. That’s why women are singing, but his his thing and all see any
Jack A Daniels 29:39
more Amy’s unless Joe says we’re so good, all seriousness,
Jack A Daniels 29:43
I took that exact same philosophy that I’m talking about in terms of women being stingy. And I turned it into a business introduction service full of guys that are because I’ve been collecting men over the past few years and I’ve got this huge database of good quality men. got these great quality men and saying, Hey, I’m single successful, ready to be married, but can’t find a quality woman. And they’re looking. So I took that philosophy of saying, hey, women are stingy, but I got lots of guys and I created a club. It’s a club that basically the only way a woman can come into the club is that she has to invite two good men that she’s either dated dumped or didn’t want for so no excuses. I don’t want to hear I don’t know any. I don’t want to hear that. I don’t there aren’t any out there. Yes, there are tons of you got Facebook friends you got you go to church, you go to work. You go
Jack A Daniels 30:38
castaways on dating
Jack A Daniels 30:41
everybody you you have met we the way it just keeps funneling in multiple men. And then we take you and we pair you with your preferences, your likes, your your warts, and all the things that you’re looking for with guys that are compatible to you and we send you out own group dinner dates across the city in groups of six, or in groups of eight. So you got three guys, or in three girls or four guys, four girls, and it’s been working phenomenally.
Damona 31:13
Okay, how can pick me I’m sold jack, I’m sold. How do people get in this database? How do they How do they bring their cast away guys and not be stingy because I know there’s a lot of ladies now that are like, I’m not stingy. I will show you jack daniels.
Jack A Daniels 31:28
The first thing you gotta do is you can’t be stingy.
Jack A Daniels 31:31
How can people get get invited to some of these events,
Jack A Daniels 31:35
you can go to good men.tv at 10 million men.tv. And be put you basically be put on the waiting list because it got it was so good. We launched in six different cities across the country, and the numbers just went through the roof. I mean, we only were at I don’t wanna say echo back, we were overcapacity because people were looking for something different to You know, people are working, they’ve got kids, they don’t know where to go, they don’t have a strategy. They just want something set up for them in a way that they can basically just say, okay, as long as I know that I’m going here, the worst thing that can happen is that you come out with seven new friends. Like maybe maybe you don’t meet anybody that you’re compatible with, you know, but you got four chances to meet someone because you got four guys sitting across the table from you.
Jack A Daniels 32:26
Like, like, you got some practice, you gotta practice a day
Jack A Daniels 32:30
is actually your comfort zone. It takes you out of like, who you who you are, and and most importantly, it gets you off the couch. How about that? There we go.
Damona 32:40
Yeah, to start somewhere. That is awesome. We will put the link in the show notes. But that’s not all jack. We have questions from our listeners In our next segment. So I hope you can stick around to answer those questions.
Jack A Daniels 32:52
You have scared me away yet.
Damona 32:54
Okay. Let’s keep going. All right. We will continue the conversation in just a moment when jack and I will be answering your questions in our final segment. But first, let me tell you about a new favorite podcast of mine. The only one in the room. How many of you felt like the only one in the room, the only one who’s still single the only one who wants a real relationship. This podcast talks about what it’s like to feel alone or others. It’s hosted by my friend Laura Cathcart Robbins, and the only one in the room tells raw and vulnerable accounts from people who are, like most of us, just eager to connect. The idea for the podcast originated in 2018 when Laura attended a writer’s retreat with some very big name people. And soon after her arrival, she realized that out of 600 attendees, she was the only black person in the room. When she got back home. She wrote about the experience that she had in the Huffington Post, and the article went viral. But then something even more surprising. happened. The morning after her piece went live, Laura woke up to find 568 direct messages in her inbox. She thought that the messages would all be from black people having a similar story, but they were from people of all walks of life, all ages, races, religions, and they all wrote her because they connected with her essay and identified with that feeling of being others. And it wasn’t long before Laura knew what she had to do. She wanted to create a platform for all of those stories to be shared and heard. And so her podcast was born. She said intimate interviews with Mario van Peebles, Jon Cryer, Rebecca Gayheart, Cynthia Bailey and so many others who bravely share their experience of being the only one in the room and how they thrived in spite of it. If you can relate to this feeling than the only one in the room podcast is for you. You can find it wherever you’re listening to the show right now or look for the link in the show notes. Okay, now it’s time for your favorite segment where we answer the questions that you’ve submitted to us through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and email. And now it’s time for technically dating. All right, jack, this person, this guy emailed me because he was inspired by a previous question on the show. That was from a 30 year old woman who was still a virgin was asking about dating. And I just mentioned this to say that if anyone is listening and has a question, and they’re like, Oh, this is just me, I’m the only one going through this, nobody else would care. I just want to you know, people care. Other people are helped by the advice that you request on this show. So this person has been inspired. I will call him D because he wanted to remain anonymous, but he emailed me and he said, I’m a soon to be 40 year old male, and I’ve never had a girlfriend or hooked up with anyone. It’s not that I think I’m attractive physically. I just feel like I’d be viewed as something subhuman if I revealed my lack of dating skills. I basically never get past the first date. And I wonder if there’s any hope. JACK, I need a male perspective on this. So and, and he clarified for me like by I’ve never hooked up with anyone’s like he hasn’t he, he hasn’t had sex with anyone.
Jack A Daniels 36:23
And so he’s felt like will like 40 year old virgin,
Damona 36:27
the real life 40 year old virgin. And when he has told women in the past that he’s dated that he is a virgin. He feels like they run away. They go on one day and an hour, but he said a lot of times they asked him about his sexual experience early on, and so he’s kind of caught in this space where he doesn’t know how to answer the question. But he also doesn’t know how to get past it and move into, you know, he wants he wants something. He’s a good man. He wants a good woman. What do you say jack?
Jack A Daniels 37:00
This isn’t this isn’t this isn’t hard. Like, I think that oftentimes we paint ourselves into a corner. And the way that we think we should appear and some of the things that we think that we should be doing, we typically do it in a way that doesn’t allow us to actually attract the person that we should be attracting. So in let me let me make sense out of that a little bit more like a an example. If you have someone who says that, oh, okay, so I’m single, I’m a virgin. And I really want a woman. Like, okay, you just announced yourself as being single beta version. One a woman, instead of telling a better story that says, You know, I want a woman who respects my values, who is into me because of who I am and not what I can give her. And oftentimes, I run across Women who are more interested in what it is that they’re accustomed to, and that they’re used to, and the package that they are accustomed to having, which is why typically they probably single anyway. Instead of being open to the possibility of something different, I am someone that is different. I am someone who is probably not going to be the guy that you’re used to the guy that you have dated in your past, but I can be the last guy that you kiss. If you give me a chance.
Jack A Daniels 38:36
You’re so smooth,
Jack A Daniels 38:37
is it? No, but I’m saying
Jack A Daniels 38:40
there’s a different story that he has to tell himself. D if you tell yourself this confidence is everything. I could say, I’ve never had sex before. Or I could say, you know, I just I’ve been waiting all my life, to meet the right woman to be able to give myself to I don’t know if that’s you But I’m hoping that we get a chance to know each other a little bit better that I can share that with someone like you.
Damona 39:08
Right? He needs to approach it as it’s an asset. Because then then she’s gonna be like, Oh, I like now I could be right. Instead of a deficit instead of something that’s like your Scarlet Letter of whatever the Scarlet v. Looking at is a super it’s a superpower, you event so selective. You have been so mindful about your choices, that that you you are waiting for the right person. I, I don’t I do wonder though, there. I think there are a lot of questions in dating, that we ask that we don’t actually want to know the answer to. And I’m, I’m curious about all of the women that have asked him about a sexual history, because I feel like that’s one of those questions where it you know, it’s like those small talk questions like what, how does Your job how’s your day? Like, you know, I don’t know, do I really do a really care? How’s your job? Or am I just asking it? Because I don’t know what else to ask? Yeah, yeah. So how can you answer that question if he’s asked again?
Jack A Daniels 40:18
Okay, so there’s a couple of a couple different things. One, he said he’s not making it past the first date. Why are you talking about this on the first date number one, like you shouldn’t be talking about anything physical on the first date, period, you should literally be trying to get to know this person intellectually. So I would tell you, if you want to get past the first day, like don’t talk about anything physical, like literally like like, that’s just not, that’s not you can you can say, you know, I don’t really want to talk about that. I want to get to know who you are. And not just what we can do for each other physically. That’s just not who I am as a man this, it does. How
Damona 41:01
you could say oh, you know, a gentleman never kisses and tells. Because she also, she also wants to know like, if she is intimate with you She doesn’t know you’re a virgin she wants to know you’re not going to go and spread her business in the street but
Jack A Daniels 41:14
isn’t that attractive to a woman like she can you can be my first you could you can show me everything I need to know about sex about love. Is it not attractive to a woman? I don’t get it. Like for me, and that’s what that’s you know, we, you know,
Jack A Daniels 41:34
I think women I think women
Jack A Daniels 41:38
look for experience sometimes because it’s, it’s a little harder to meet our needs in the bedroom sometimes, but you can instruct me you literally can tell me everything because I don’t know. This is my first time. You can tell me everything I need to know.
Jack A Daniels 41:54
Like that. I will say yes, that is hot.
Jack A Daniels 41:58
Like why we’re women’s What? That’s what you say D, you say, Look, I’m looking for a teacher. I’m looking for an instructor to show me everything that I need to know about sex.
Jack A Daniels 42:09
I think a lot of women would be turned on by that. Actually, she come back.
Damona 42:15
All right, we have time for one more question. JACK. This one comes to us from Lisa. She says I’m curious after how many dates? Should you have the are we exclusive talk? We get this question a lot. But I don’t get the answers from you very often. So I want to know what you think.
Jack A Daniels 42:32
This exclusivity thing um,
Jack A Daniels 42:36
I just like I believe clarity reduces the clutter in your life. I do totally believe that. I don’t think there’s a number that you can put on it. What I think is there has to be a plan that’s put in place, meaning that we have to be clear and upfront and intentional about what it is that we’re doing. So if you’re going into this and you’re thinking like in between the two Three to five range or the, you know, five to 10 range. You know, I get, once we get on 10 dates or whatever, we’re exclusive. No, be up front and say what it is that you actually want. From the beginning to say, you know, I’m not sleeping around. I’m not dating around. I’m really looking to be involved with something that’s meaningful. It doesn’t mean you have to say that on first date, because you probably won’t get a second.
Damona 43:28
But let’s say on a first date, I’m I am dating for a relationship. Yeah, I think a lot of people don’t say, dating. Yeah,
Jack A Daniels 43:36
I’m at on purpose. And I don’t think that Yeah, people are frivolous with it. They just kind of like, walk through and like, I’ll see what happens.
Damona 43:45
Well, we’re afraid of the rejection. If we say what we really feel and what we really want and they don’t want that or they’re not sure then we’ll get pushed away.
Jack A Daniels 43:54
Which may happen but men love to be respected. We love respect in every city. And for you to tell me what you want upfront. I respect you. Like, I may not want it the same way that you wanted, but I respect you. And if you’re really going to gain a man’s heart, you have to gain his respect. That is
Damona 44:19
so true. I respect you so much jack daniels, I am so glad you’re able to join us to to to talk about what’s going on in dating relationships in the last five years since we filmed the TV show hashtag black love. You are getting Oh, oh, you’re you’re and you’re about to have three, three girls. So watch how old you get if you had any hair. It’d be all gray.
Jack A Daniels 44:48
I miss you jack. I’m so glad to have you on the show. I hope you will come back again and share your wisdom with us anytime. Just make call.
Damona 44:57
Thank you and jag is here for you. Well, you can find out more about his projects at jack daniels.tv and then get in with the good Tell, tell them the website to get in the database again.
Jack A Daniels 45:12
So you go to good men.tv join the list, get in a database is going to be epic. The doors will probably open back up in April. So you really want to be on the list.
Damona 45:25
Get on the list y’all. I hope you enjoyed Episode 299 of dates and mates. I am at damona Hoffman on all the socials. And as I said in the last segment, if you have a question, I want to hear it you can DM me or email me through the website dates and mates calm. And if you love this segment and you get a lot of value out of it. Why not submit a question so we can help you but also helps so many others who are going through the same thing that you’re experiencing? Next week we’ll be doing a masterclass on the future of dating and relationship. And this will be dead it our 300th episode I’m so excited to have you join me for that I cannot wait to do a little future predictions on where we are heading in the world of love. Until next week. I wish you happy dating
Breaking Dating Patterns & Whelming: Love Month Part 4
YOU CAN BE OVERWHELMED, AND YOU CAN BE UNDERWHELMED, BUT CAN YOU JUST BE WHELMED?
It’s February and you know what that means – Valentine’s is upon us! And to celebrate the month of love, we’ll be doing something special. We have 4 of the top prior Dates & Mates guest love experts who will be joining me for the next 4 weeks. This is the final episode of our Love Month #5QFeb!
Back by popular demand is Mike Goldstein, a successful dating coach, public speaker, and author who has appeared on the Today Show, Reader’s Digest, The Star Ledger, and Shape Magazine. Through his BLOG EZ Dating Coach he has reached over 100,000 women.
He’s here to give us a whole new perspective on love that we haven’t heard yet!
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (4:05)
Could your partner be snooping through your phone?
In their latest study, Whistleout determined that 50% of Americans look at their partner’s phones. Do you think this is okay?
The newest dating term: whelming
According to Cosmo, the newest way to ‘impress’ your match is by complaining about how many matches you have. Damona and Mike have thoughts.
Read Damona’s Profile Polish in Shondaland!
via GIPHY
Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner getting back together?
In an interview with the New York Times, Ben Affleck explains that his divorce to Jennifer Garner was the biggest mistake of his life. Damona did some digging and it turns out that Ben’s family history with alcoholism could have contributed to the breakup patterns he might have inherited from his father. Damona and Mike weigh in.
via GIPHY
#5QFeb (20:32)
Damona asks Mike the 5 MOST IMPORTANT dating questions of our time:
via GIPHY
TECHNICALLY DATING (35:00)
via GIPHY
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
JOIN OUR COMMUNITY!
Are you feeling overwhelmed with dating and relationships and looking for a little more support? then you are the perfect person to become one of my Friends with Benefits.
We just launched a special Patreon program for our listeners who want a little more love from Damona
What is Patreon?
Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating
Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates
What will you get if you sign up?
A private facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show.
And you’ll have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions.
Plus secret BTS content from our nearly 300 episodes of Dates & Mates.
And for my really special top-tier FWBs, you can even get a personalized dating profile analysis from me with tips tailored just for you on how to make a magnetic profile that draws the right kind of dates to you.
The Patreon is live on at patreon.com/datesandmates
And we have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the Lover or VIP level – a free autographed copy of my book. But only if you sign up during the month of February.
Go to patreon.com/datesandmates to see which of tier is right for you. I look forward supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community as one of my Friends with Benefits.
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Happy love month lovers. This is episode four of our love month #5QFeb the five question February series during which I am interviewing your favorite dates and mates prior guests to ask the most pressing questions and love today. We are using the hashtag five q fab if you want to get in on the conversation. My guest for today is back by popular demand. Mike Goldstein is a successful dating coach. He’s a public speaker and also an author. You may have seen him on the Today Show in Reader’s Digest the star ledger or its Shape magazine. And through his blog, easy dating coach. He has reached over 100,000 surely more 200,000 just so many women Need help in dating and he’s here to help the men and women of the de tomates community, please give big smooches to Mike Goldstein,
Mike Goldstein 1:07
thank you so much for having me. I’m so pumped to be here.
Damona 1:11
I’m so glad you’re back. And this is a perfect time of year because we’re still like, we’re still feeling the energy of Valentine’s Day. And whether people listening had a great Valentine’s Day or one that they would rather forget. We want to keep people moving towards that, that road to love. Right? Yeah. And then we’ll also talk about this week’s headlines, including could your partner be snooping through your phone? And you can be overwhelmed. And you can be underwhelmed because you just be well, plus, our Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner getting back together could be now I don’t know. We’ll talk about that in a minute and then we’ll answer your questions like, should you wait around for a guy who’s super busy? And is it a red flag? If your boyfriend thinks you’re cute when you’re jealous. All that and more on today’s dates and mates. Mike, are you ready to do this?
Mike Goldstein 2:06
Whoa, those are some great topics.
Damona 2:10
Yeah, like we just surprised you. He knows what’s coming. He’s ready for you guys and he’s ready to do the dish. He’s dating dish. Whistle out did a survey on how much Americans look at their partners phones, and I’m talking about like, unapproved snooping, not just glancing over, but actually like cracking into their phones. they surveyed 1600 people from the ages of 15 and 55 about all aspects of cell phone privacy and snooping and romantic relationships. And it turns out that a lot of people 48% of women and 31% of men think snooping is okay, but people are worried Mike people are worried about things that their partner might see in their phone and Most people are worried about browser history texts, social media accounts. What do you think about cell phone privacy? I mean, this is just a factor in relationships today. Should you be able to look into your partner’s phone? Or is the phone like a barrier for privacy, something that should still remain secret and private?
Mike Goldstein 3:22
Can I tell you a story?
Damona 3:23
Of course, we have nothing but time. Oh, yes.
Mike Goldstein 3:26
So Dimona, I was 25 years old, I had a girlfriend, and we were at a beach house at our beach house. And we were sleeping in bed, about to go to bed. And she’s looking at her phone. And I glance over. And there’s a message from a guy saying, Come over and it’s about 1am at night. Oh, no. But I am the most trusting human being on the planet. You may not know this about me. So she gave me some explanation like oh, it’s just our friend. Like He wants to drink more. And I was like, oh, that seems reasonable. And then I went to bed.
Damona 4:05
But you had a little bit of suspicion. Surely, I had
Mike Goldstein 4:08
a little bit, but I totally let it go. Because I just assumed I’m in love. She’s in love. Like we’re good.
Damona 4:14
Oh, no, what happened?
Mike Goldstein 4:16
Oh, well
Mike Goldstein 4:19
while she was sleeping with it,
Damona 4:22
did you ever confront her about the text? Because like looking at this survey, 38% of couples gotten a fight or broke up over something over snooping. So like, was there ever a conversation? Like, you know, that text didn’t quite sit well with me? Did you ever go back into her phone and be like, I’m gonna see if there are additional messages here.
Mike Goldstein 4:44
No, I don’t believe in that. Like even through that through that story. Like privacy is important. And trust is important. So any partner I’m with, like they can do whatever they want. And I want to be in a relationship. I know and I feel safe for them to. They can be private, they can do whatever they want. I know we’re together. There’s no cheating. We’re good.
Damona 5:09
Mike, you know what I love about that terrible story is that you still believe in love and you still have trust, like so many times people go through an experience like that, and then they think it means they can’t trust anybody again. But it was like that was one situation and it seems like you’re able to now separate her choices from the choices of whomever you’re in a relationship with from that point forward.
Mike Goldstein 5:35
Yes, but to be fair, there was a lot of healing if you would have brought up her name probably for the first like four or five years after we broke up. You’d probably see my eyes like start to water like it definitely hit me. Yeah, but yeah, I’m over it now. But I alway
Damona 5:50
give like a tip and one thing that you did to to heal and move on after that situation and trust again,
Mike Goldstein 5:59
honestly, the Like so right after it happened and I thought I was gonna marry this woman, so I was crying my eyes out. You’re 25 I know.
Damona 6:08
life ahead of you. This is true. Okay, you figure it out, though before.
Mike Goldstein 6:11
Yeah. So I was crying my eyes out for three months straight. And then finally I picked up a copy of john gray men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And I realized I just didn’t understand women at all. And I realized like, I was a big part of the blame of why she was looking outside of a relationship. So that gave me a lot of clarity. So I guess for me it was what am i accountable for? What do I need to change? What do I need to work on? And then on top of that, now I’m saying like stop being sad, go do some things. Go play soccer, go to the gym, go see your friends. Go keep yourself busy.
Damona 6:47
Yes, she would. One of the things that you might do be go on a dating app and start swiping. That is something that our next article is all About in Cosmo, they’re talking about a new dating trend called whelming. And this is when your matches complain to you about how many other matches they’re getting. So I know like, just just to recap the story that you told, when people get, they’re ready to move on. Sometimes they go full force into swiping, and they just swipe right on everybody because they want that instant gratification of like somebody likes me. But would you ever then complain about the number of matches that you’re getting? Because this seems to be an epidemic that’s happening?
Mike Goldstein 7:36
So you’re telling me that I’m going to complain because so many women want to talk to me? Is that correct?
Damona 7:45
That’s what people are doing and this is happening and you know, it’s happening for your clients as well like there. They must be I’m sure you’re helping them to be online dating masters, and then they’re getting are they getting overwhelmed by the matches.
Mike Goldstein 8:01
Yes, some of them. Yeah.
Damona 8:03
But they wouldn’t complain about it on the date because you told them not to.
Mike Goldstein 8:07
Yeah, I don’t know what like, what is that?
Damona 8:10
Well, the article also gave us some ways to cope if you’re feeling overwhelmed, because I think this is a symptom of this Paradox of Choice of feeling like there’s this endless supply of matches. And their tips are really good for for dating apps. They said, Be more selective. ration your screen time. Don’t rely on just dating apps. And I know that you’re you’re a fan of alternate ways of dating as well. Don’t swipe late at night. No, it’s like I say dating apps are sort of like Gremlins like don’t feed them after midnight. craziness. craziness ensues, that’s when you get the worst possible matches. And don’t take dating too seriously. What do you tell your clients about ways to reduce overwhelm when they’re using dating apps?
Mike Goldstein 8:57
Yeah, this is so Important is, first of all, online dating needs to be a science experiment. Like try to leave your emotions to the side. I know like love is obviously a very emotional thing. But the actual online dating aspect science experiment, once you get to know someone, then emotions can get involved. But the strategy is, you need to pick three times a week that you’re going to go on. And if you’ve got a good system, like my clients are only doing half an hour, three times a week. So that’s manageable. It’s not taking over your life. So maybe it’s like Monday, Wednesday and Friday at eight o’clock I’m going on. The key is what folks are doing is that like, works kind of boring. Right now I’m going to hop on a dating app for a second. Oh, I got a match. Ooh, that’s not a fit. And then you repeat that sometimes one to 10 times a day. And you keep getting let down. versus if you’re going on once, you know every few days and you’re looking at maybe 510 20 at a time. Then you will manage your expectations of Okay, I got 10 Ooh, this one looks good. And then you don’t get upset about individually each nine times you got something bad, but you get excited about the one guy that actually makes sense for you, or, or woman, excuse me.
Damona 10:12
I like that. And I think that’s good philosophy for any kind of online escape. Like, I know I do the same thing with with Facebook, I’ll be like, Oh, I just need to escape my kids and make it be crazy. I’m going to just escape into the world of Facebook for a while, but it does have the same effect. When you are using it for more of an entertainment purpose, then, you know, dating with strategy. I’d like to add one other thing that I think they did not touch on in the article that is really important. And that’s in making sure that your profile is the right profile to attract what you want. Like I did a profile Polish for Shonda land.com in the fall and the woman that I worked with she was gorgeous. She had tons of matches, but she was like, I’m so over. So over dating apps. And I hear this a lot of time from a lot of times from our database listeners as well. I said, Let’s be really specific in your profile. And I’m getting all of these things that you’re not from reading your profile and looking at the pictures that you chose, let’s change the the strategy and let your profile be sort of the online calling card for you that the resume that draw that draws the right applicants in and what she said in the article, and I will put the link in the show notes if you guys want to actually read it but what she said was after she did my profile updates, she got fewer messages, which you would think is a bad thing. But at the same time there were messages from more more serious guys at that lead actually today’s instead of leading to overwhelm and then she didn’t have to complain about the overwhelm on the One thing in this article last thing about this article that I want to get your take on is they said that single people should be using five to six dating apps, according to their study, to have the best chance of finding love, like based on how many matches people are getting that are that are actually turning into dates. Five to six dating apps. What What do you think about that?
Mike Goldstein 12:24
No, thank you.
Mike Goldstein 12:29
Dating should be fun. And that’s gonna like take over your life. Six dating apps. Yeah, that’s way too much. And I’m sure the listeners can tell us like, the same people are on them. So you don’t need to see them in
Mike Goldstein 12:45
areas again, I swipe left on the last time.
Mike Goldstein 12:48
Yeah, but like, we’ve talked about it before, but I love
Mike Goldstein 12:51
three. No one
Mike Goldstein 12:53
just wants get one good one like and don’t even do an app like maybe like a match. com Or like an okay Cupid and just build a great profile. I’m, as you know, I’m not a fan of apps because they’re not as robust in terms of profiles. Yes. So if we’re going to go on dates, I want to be more strategic with hopefully, looking at a man or a woman’s robust profile on match is like, Whoa, a lot of things are aligned. I’m excited. Because if we’re going to give up, you know, our Wednesday night and you know, get dressed up and makeup and whatever needs to happen, let us be excited, be excited. And let’s go on only one day a week, pick a good one. So even if you have 12 options, or four options or whatever, figure out which one is your most excited about and do one day a week, so you can still live your life and have six other nights where you’re doing whatever you want to do. And this will be a much more efficient, much more strategic way to get a partner.
Damona 13:50
Yes, and then it’ll be more fun, you’ll be enjoying it more. Well, one person is not really enjoying his dating and relationship experience right now. is bad. Aflac he was he was promoting his new movie and gave a very raw and real interview to the New York Times. And he said that the divorce with Jennifer Garner is his biggest regret the biggest regret of his life. They announced their separation in 2015. You may remember it actually took another three years until they were divorced. And he fully admits they broke up because of his drinking, which it’s something that is also a part of his family history. Like his dad was an alcoholic and his relationship and his parents relationship broke up because of that. And it just makes me so sad to see him falling into that same pattern. And I want to know what you would tell a client who has a family history of something like, like divorce or like addiction, and how they can carve out a different path for themselves.
Mike Goldstein 15:00
Whoa,
Damona 15:01
we don’t know softball questions here. Mike Goldstein,
Mike Goldstein 15:04
I don’t know if I’m qualified that, but I will try to answer that. Well,
Damona 15:07
I’m sure you’ve dealt with this, like people that don’t have a positive relationship role model for themselves. You can still have a successful relationship and your history doesn’t have to be your future.
Mike Goldstein 15:20
Absolutely. I mean, everyone has their own choice, right. So if you and usually what you see is when they have a parent that went so far off the deep end, and one thing they like, they don’t even want to touch that thing. Because they don’t want to repeat that. Yeah. So usually see that happen. But yeah, to your point, like everyone has the choice. You know, do whatever you need to do to be happy and to be healthy. And then you can have great partnership.
Damona 15:45
What about this element when we are so quick now to be looking for perfect, that we’re very quick to move on. And, you know, I don’t think it was really Ben’s decision. Once he he went so far into his alcoholism. I think Jennifer just had to move on. But they ultimately divorced rather than working on the relationship and I and I’ve worked with other divorce clients that were like, I’d much rather now have stayed with the person in a relationship that was challenging, then be single again and have to basically start over. What do you think about that?
Mike Goldstein 16:29
Well, I got a question is Jennifer Garner single these days or she lives she’s
Damona 16:34
got a boyfriend, a guy named john Miller, who is kind of like a Ben doppelganger and way they’ve a lot of physical similarities. He’s a younger man to he’s 40. She’s 47 I ain’t mad about it, but that’s the answer.
Mike Goldstein 16:50
Well, I think she handled it, how you’re supposed to handle it. If there’s alcoholism or something that’s got a disease. You kind of have to leave And if they get that sorted out and you’re still available and you know, they’re wildly healthy, and you want to revisit it, then go revisit it. But when they’re in that state, you’ve got to get out of there. You can’t fix them. Yeah. And they need to go fix themselves.
Damona 17:15
All right, great insights. I told you know, softball questions here we have, we have the hard questions that are coming up in our next segment and five key fobs. So stick around. I’m here with Mike Goldstein, who’s also known as easy dating coach, right? Easy dating coach calm, so stick around for more dates and dates. We’re back with easy dating coach Mike Goldstein. And if you’ve been following all this month, we’ve been asking the same five questions of four different dating experts and we’re getting wildly different responses. So I’m going to kick it off Mike with our first question of five key fab. What is the biggest challenge for daters today.
Mike Goldstein 17:58
Whoa, that’s a big One I told you,
Mike Goldstein 18:01
you know, softball question, you know softball, Scott.
Damona 18:05
It’s
Mike Goldstein 18:06
datings freaking hard. And there’s no manual. And, you know, if we look back to 100 years ago in the 1950s, our parents were getting married mostly for security, finances, money, safety. And everyone told us, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Right? And now, you know, we’ve got women in the workforce, men in the workforce, boss, ladies to boss ladies, kicking butt. And it’s not like, hey, the man goes to work and the woman takes care of the kids now, it’s just confusing. And women have plenty of money and they’re kicking butt. And now everyone needs you guys. Exactly. Now, women are dating for love. And everyone’s dating for love, and it’s not security. And this is brand new. We’ve been on this earth for what, thousands, millions of years. And now finally, the only reason we’re getting together or the biggest reason is the Love, not just procreating and security.
Damona 19:04
So what do you how do you see that changing the way that we operate in dating? If you’re dating for love? How’s your process different than if you’re dating for security? You spend more time probably right? Because you have to vet people.
Mike Goldstein 19:25
Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely wildly different. Like, it’s just security. It’s like, Oh, he’s got a good job and he looks healthy. Yeah, okay. That’s all I need.
Damona 19:32
And my parents know, like, that’s the other thing that’s different is now our dating pool has opened up to anyone possibly in the world who’s the best match for us? So now, in addition to dating for love, we’re dating to check like 17 boxes as opposed to like, Oh, well, I know him and he can be a good provider and he looks all right. Like I could wake up next to that for at least a few years. You know, it was like the criteria The criteria was lower. And the ability to meet someone that really matched us on multiple levels was, was also lower. You know, there’s a,
Mike Goldstein 20:11
there’s just way more variables to contend with. And then the other thing is like our brain tries to mess with us. Because for a lot of us, we kind of look at chemistry as the be all sale instead of compatibility. So we’re like, man, when I’m with them, like, it’s just electric, and I feel something. And what the heck is that? Like, you’re gonna spend 50 years with someone you feel something for? No, like, what is this laundry list of things? You actually need to be happy with someone for 50 or however many years you’re going to be together?
Damona 20:40
Can I tell you something really corny, please. As my husband and I have built our life together, I feel like the electricity has increased. Because it’s like, now we’re not just we’re not just checking boxes. We’re actually like, We’re actually intertwined in our lives. And as our lives have gotten bigger, like our love can actually get bigger. And I feel like there’s this feeling that, that that chemistry that you feel on whatever the first date or that people are, like desperately searching for is something that is on a decreasing scale, that it’s never going to be as high as when you first meet. And I would love to see what happens if people looked at it in the inverse, like, it can only build from here if you’re with the right person, that you’re that you’re matching with on like, much more on on more long term factors, right.
Mike Goldstein 21:46
Yeah, I mean, that’s, no, it’s not. I mean, you’re talking to a love coach. So I’m like, that’s so beautiful. I love that. But back to your first question. That’s what I think is the biggest problem really is we’re not great. So we end up picking. And then once we fall in love, we’re like, All right, I’m gonna stick this out because it’s kind of close. You only get one person. So you got to make sure you pick the right person. So then when you are together for years, you are going in that upward trend of the relationship getting better, as opposed to what most people are, is it either flatlines or it’s going worse? Right? That’s a good point.
Damona 22:23
Okay, you aced that first question, Mike. Second question, what is the best way to find love?
Mike Goldstein 22:33
Whoo. That’s a big one to love, love, love. First off, you got to do a little work and make sure you’re like ready to rock and roll. Like you’ve got and there’s a lot to this. Because I have so many women that go to me, they’re like, I have everything on solid ground. Like I’ve got a great job. I’ve got this amazing house. And I’ve got this, like all these activities I do and this amazing Family like, That is wonderful. Do you know anything about dating? Or how the opposite sex works or whoever you’re trying to partner with? Like that really. So there’s a lot to it it’s one you got to have a good life but to you got to kind of help know how this whole dating, how to interact with whoever you’re going after works.
Damona 23:18
And it’s also you have to have a growth mindset like this is something that I haven’t mastered. And I, I can actually learn something from my girl from the dates and maids podcast like there’s room for growth because the way you describe that, and I hear that a lot too, from listeners is like, it’s a close circle. like where’s the space if you have those five things? Where’s the space for another person to get in and actually enhance your life? How can you find love love? So let’s say you’ve done that and you have accepted that there is a skill set called dating that you are going to develop? Then what how do you find love
Mike Goldstein 23:58
Wow. Then you got to decide, are you I want to be in my pajamas on a Friday night doing online dating and find love? Or are you the type that’s like, I’ve got the biggest personality on the planet. And I want to be out there just mingling, and meet someone. So who are you, and then go on to those routes.
Damona 24:18
That’s, it’s good that you incorporate this idea of like figuring out what works best for you, because I’m big into online dating, obviously. And I think that that is just the best way in today’s world to to exponentially increase your dating options. But I also recognize it’s not necessarily the right fit for everyone. And if you’re doing it and it’s making you frustrated or you’re uncomfortable with it, and you’ve done the work that Mike is talking about to develop that skill set and get more comfortable and it still doesn’t work, but you have great success when you’re meeting people out on a Friday night at a bar then Why make your life easy? Right? Why do we always wait? Why do we always complicate things for ourselves?
Mike Goldstein 25:07
Yeah, I don’t know if people can see a picture of me but I’m like mediocre looking. But online like if maybe if you’d call them the attractive women are the women that are good looking that have like seems their life together. They pretty much want nothing to do with me because I’m not like, I’m not everything marketable online. But when you put me in person, like sometimes I’m pretty charismatic. And then I’m able to actually kind of like hit probably above my league sometimes.
Damona 25:38
So okay, I’m not even buying anything, you guys. He’s very attractive and he’s very charming. But for you, you feel more like in your element. It sounds like when you’re meeting people out in the world.
Mike Goldstein 25:52
I mean, I come from a life prior to starting this like I came from a sales background. I’m like, pretty social. So yeah, that’s fun for me. But I’m also considered one of the top online dating experts in the country. So I, and I teach that and I work with, you know, eHarmony. Okay keeping match with their data. So I can go both routes, and I teach a lot of clients online dating, but I also want to be open to who I’m working with and what their skill set is.
Mike Goldstein 26:18
Does that make sense? It makes total sense. So there’s no answer to question two.
Damona 26:23
There’s no best way but the best way is just to start and to get clarity on what path is best for you. How can people change their patterns in love? We talked a little bit about this in the Ben Affleck of it all. But what if somebody just recognizes a dating pattern? Like I always date I always date jerks or my relationship somebody just told me. I think someone DM me on Instagram and they said, I always have this thing where I’m like, really into somebody at first and then three weeks, three or four weeks go by and I’m just not that interested anymore. If you recognize your pattern, which is the First step, right? Then what’s the next step to changing it?
Mike Goldstein 27:04
Like the first you gotta like, go, why am I doing this? So like, get the explanation for yourself. I do this because x. So now that you know why they aren’t, so how do I solve this? Okay, when person does x, then I’m going to do this. So now that you’ve got a strategy, like, right, what happens? You like, Oh, it’s happening. I see it. Yeah. And then you do your plan. So you can’t do it in the moment because like, as you know, when you go on date for and you like, your heart’s beating fast, and you’ve got your butterflies, like, I don’t care about this anymore. Get your strategy while you’ve got, you know, cool, calm, collected head. And so then when it happens, you’re like, Wait a second, I wrote this down, I have a plan, and then you can implement it.
Damona 27:49
I did a plan. I did a dating plan called Operation date. Nice guy. Some of the longtime listeners know this, but I haven’t talked about in in a few episodes. So I recognize my opinion. My pattern was dating, dating, like, these sort of creative types that weren’t really into commitment and that that just wasn’t the place that I was at in my life. And I was like, I need somebody that’s like, gonna just be nice to me. So I actually really retrain my brain, I retrain what I was attracted to, I slowed everything down to like, that’s the thing like the chemistry, you’re saying, that’s reactive, as opposed to responsive of like, Okay, I’m taking this in. And I know that my instinct is to do this. But what’s better for me is to do
Mike Goldstein 28:37
that
Damona 28:39
And if you can create that space, to give yourself time to respond, instead of just reacting to whatever you’re feeling in the moment, then I think that can put you on a different path and work for me
Mike Goldstein 28:54
and it can work for you too. I love that that’s such a smart way to do it. And that that’s solves, like probably 99% of the problem, right? There’s if you implement that, exactly,
Damona 29:05
I just couldn’t, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t date those kind of guys anymore. And I couldn’t accept that kind of behavior. Like there’s also what what are you accepting in your life? Right? Like, what are what what do you want? And then what are you letting be okay? And they’re at a certain point, you have to if you want to change your pattern, I’d say you have to, you have to recognize it. And then you have to choose not to do it anymore.
Mike Goldstein 29:32
Yeah, just to give folks some clarity on this. It’s freaking hard, because our brain actually tells us the exact opposite. They did a study, I think it was like five years ago, where they attach people’s brains while they were dating people to see what triggered and really we just kept. The reason we keep dating the same people is something trigger triggers in the amygdala every time we date the exact same person. And it’s basically comfort. We feel comfortable because it’s like, oh, last time, I dated profile, who it’s the same profile, I feel comfortable. Let me go that route. And we’ll just keep repeating that for. And I have clients that have been repeating that literally for 50 years when they keep dating the exact same person, because it’s comfortable. So you really do need to kind of like smack yourself in the head and be like, Wait a second. It’s why am I feeling comfortable? Is there something here? That’s not healthy for me?
Damona 30:22
Yeah, what am I reacting to? Because it does feel different. When you do it differently. It feels different. And it’s just sort of like, like a fitness routine, right? If you is when you start it, you’re like, Oh, this sucks. This is really hard, and this feels uncomfortable. And then you get into it. And then you see things changing, and your lifestyle is changing. And you’re like, Oh, actually, this isn’t as hard as it used to be. But you have to get over that hump. Okay, I have more questions for you, Mick. Question number four is what are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Mike Goldstein 30:58
Can I tell a story about the last one You have nothing
Damona 31:00
but stories. Yes, you can tell I don’t want to keep going. No, no. Go ahead. Go ahead. We like your stories.
Mike Goldstein 31:07
Okay. Um, so my old client, Isabella, she had pattern issues. She had actually abuse she came to me from an abusive relationship and was like, think of like, 40 year old 44 year old woman like battered, like very abusive relationship. She’s like, but I’m, I’ve healed I’m ready to go like beautiful. We’re going to start dating men that treat you well. She’s like, you’re absolutely right. We sure are. She starts dating, we, we send messages. We’re sending messages to guys. We send a message to this guy. He wants to go on a date. She comes back from the first date. She goes Mike. I’m not sexually attracted to this guy it at all. I said, Okay. On a zero to 10 scale. How was the conversation? Like a nine or a 10?
Damona 31:53
Like, oh, that’s pretty good.
Mike Goldstein 31:55
Pretty good. Would you go on another date with him? I guess so. Yeah. I gotta Second day. Hey Isabella, are you attracted to him yet? Nope, not at all. No attraction. You guys kiss? No. Okay. Day 45 you still gonna go out with them? Yeah, go. How’s the conversation? Oh, it’s a 10 really like me super smart. comes back from date eight. She goes, Mike. Nick is the sexiest man alive. What changed? He finally kissed her on date eight.
Damona 32:29
Oh my gosh. Wow, what a nice guy. He waited quite a while. Now a lot of people would read into that too and would think, Oh, well, he doesn’t really like me that much because so much of attraction is also like feeling that the other person is attracted to you. But she didn’t do that she kept going out like most of my clients don’t get past eight three if they’re not feeling something.
Mike Goldstein 32:50
I know. But if the conversations like at least at eight. I say give these guys a chance because this was the nice guy. The You know, super smart like he’s written I think like 10 books, college professor like PhD, just like a little socially not great, but great guy. And he was planning these amazing dates. And he probably, you know, didn’t have that much experience sexually. So he’s figuring it out a little bit.
Damona 33:16
Well, and it’s also like that slow love thing that I talked about a lot on the show, like real chemistry develops over time. And so as she got to know him better, and as she trusted him more, and as he saw her, and she saw him for who they truly were, then she was able to feel attraction on a deeper level. And it’s way better than that, like, just initial like hubba hubba. Okay, we’re gonna do fourth question. I loved your story. Thank you. What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Mike Goldstein 33:54
Whoo, I’m really you need one thing. Let’s make this simple. Another science Study, they hook people up, that will have been married from anywhere from like 20 to 50 years that are self proclaimed happy marriages and see what triggers. And these people in happy relationships, the magdala triggered when they were giving, when both parties were givers within the relationship, that’s a happy relationship. If one person is not a giver, and chooses to give, these were unhappy marriages. So that was the one thing they found that needs to be there for a marriage to be happy, you know, 2050 years in,
Damona 34:36
they have to both feel like they’re givers or feel like they’ve been given too.
Mike Goldstein 34:40
So both just need to be givers. So like you
Damona 34:43
have to actually be giving, you have to actually have to do it is what
Mike Goldstein 34:48
you’re saying. You know, obviously, you know, the Five Love Languages was a big book. So you need to figure out what your partner wants to receive. But yeah, you need to go give like whether it’s Hey, damona you’ve had a tough day. I’m gonna make you you know Chicken tonight or whatever? Find out what
Damona 35:02
Yeah, every day. That is definitely I am an acts of service gal. Interestingly as we’re talking about the five love like languages, which if you guys don’t know it, definitely look it up. I don’t have like an affiliate link or anything, you can just go check it out. But, um, I found when my husband and I like both did the quiz that we actually had the same exact first three love languages. And I was like, That explains it that explains why it’s so easy. Do you think there’s any value in trying to look for someone with I mean, it just happened to be that way. And part of me is like, Well, we’ve been together so long. I wonder if our love languages started to overlap or something? Or if we always were the same love language. Is there any benefit in trying to figure out the love language early on and match for that, or is that doing too much?
Mike Goldstein 35:54
That’s a great question. Honestly. So first of all, opposites do not attract. So if you can find people that are similar. That’s a home run. So I actually, when I’m dating, do ask that question pretty early on. And I do prefer someone who’s the same. It’s so much easier like I’m a 10 out of 10 words of affirmation.
Damona 36:14
Oh my god, we’d never be compatible. Yeah, so someone tell you these things like Didn’t I just, I just got my husband’s car clean like didn’t that that didn’t show? Yeah. So but you find somebody that is very effusive and shares their their words of how they feel about you.
Mike Goldstein 36:33
Yeah, like I’m so drawn to someone who’s gone. sounds terrible, but someone who gives me compliments. Like, I’m like, who tell me more. Yeah, I want to be a part of this,
Damona 36:41
right? Because that that’s how you are hearing and receiving the love so so is the answer. Don’t look for that or just ask them so that then you can know how to deliver love in the way that the
Mike Goldstein 36:53
I would say in an ideal world you do want to look for. I mean, like when I work with clients, I Like 36 things that we write down that are things that you probably wanted a partner and you’re not gonna get all of them, right. But you want to start getting a lot of them. And this is one of those things that would be part of my 36 of like, something to be cognizant of while you’re dating, so it’s a little more strategic. You’re not just, hey, when I’m on the date, we’re having fun, no, like, well, what are the answers to all these questions? Do these things fit? So to answer your question, yes, that would be great if they have it, but no, don’t make it a deal breaker. Just be cognizant of what they are and see as you’re dating, like, Okay, I know their acts of service. Let me put in that effort and do some acts of service and see if they’re a giver, are they doing what you need? And if you’re both giving and giving in the right way, are you happy? Is this working? That’s more important.
Damona 37:47
That is very important. Okay, last question for five Keifa. Before we move on to questions from our listeners, this is kind of a personal question, Mike, whose relationship do you admire and why? Could be a celeb could be someone in Your life could be me. No.
Mike Goldstein 38:05
I’m not gonna lie after hearing about you, I kind of that is change. No
Damona 38:11
no, but tell, like Tell me for real, like if there’s a relationship role model that you’re like relationship goals.
Mike Goldstein 38:18
So I’m totally seeing this from afar, so I’m just imagining most of it, but that’s probably the best relationship. Do you know Johnny and Lera Fernandez the dating coaches? Yeah. I’m like obsessed with them from afar like I do know them personally. But their Facebook just looks like they’re so in love. That’s everybody. Yeah, they look so happy and like so aligned and they’re like, eat the same foods. I think they have the same like vegan diet and there was just smiling and they almost like look the same to them. Like man, they look so happy and perfect.
Damona 38:50
Well, it’s probably also they’re like living this. They’re living this life of like giving people dating and relationship advice and then they have to live by it too. So, I think that’s very beautiful. Love to have them on the show one day. Okay, we are going to take a short break. When we come back we have your questions, listeners, we have things that have been on your mind that you’ve submitted through Instagram and Twitter and email and we are going to be answering your questions right after this. Welcome back to dates and mates. This is our final segment where we answer your questions we call it technically dating.
Mike Goldstein 39:31
Technically,
Damona 39:33
this one comes to us from Instagram, this lady says so I had a conversation with my guy and asked why he isn’t putting more time into our relationship. He’s busy and seems to be pulled in a lot of different directions. My question is, if Should I wait patiently, and will that hurt me in the long run? Now, we all want guys that have stuff going on that are like living their best Life as well. But sounds like she doesn’t feel like she’s totally apart of all those other things.
Mike Goldstein 40:07
Do we have any idea? Like, are they married? how long they’ve been dating?
Damona 40:10
I, they’re dating. But I don’t know how long.
Mike Goldstein 40:15
So I have different answers for different phases. If it’s very early on, and you really need a lot of interaction, maybe, you know, you can do a quick like, you know, it makes me so happy if you do x. And so you’re painting exactly what he needs to do. And you go tell him, you’d make me really happy if you did x and see what he delivers. And then when he does do something, you need to give him some appreciation. Like, thank you so much like it’s so great to hear from you. It’s so great to do this. I’m having so much fun. This is fabulous. Like I know you’re busy. Like I
Damona 40:52
love spending time with you.
Mike Goldstein 40:54
Yeah, like you’re amazing.
Damona 40:55
That is so key, Mike and this is something that I feel like we haven’t talked about On the show, because I’ve said, you need to tell a guy how you want him to show up for you. And yet the other other side of that is to also acknowledge it when he does, because so many times we’re like, do this, do that. Do this, do that, but then you forget to close the loop. And that’s so key to know that like his actions, changed the way that you’re feeling.
Mike Goldstein 41:26
Okay? Give them like a bonus tip,
Damona 41:28
please.
Mike Goldstein 41:30
Bonus Tip in your appreciation. If it’s just a little more valuable than the thing he actually did, he’s going to want to do it more. So like, for example, if he, you know, did the dishes, and you go, give him a big smooch and be like, Oh, I can’t believe you did the dishes like you’re so amazing. Thank you so much. He’s like, wow, all I did was like, clean a few dishes and I’m getting like this big bear hug and a smooch. I might be doing the dishes more often.
Damona 42:00
Right, exactly. It totally works. I can tell you from experience. Also, let’s address she says, if I wait patiently, will that hurt me in the long run? She shouldn’t just be like waiting. Like, what time do you get off work like, right? What else can she do?
Mike Goldstein 42:16
Yeah, definitely not waiting.
Mike Goldstein 42:19
Because you’re valuable. But being strategic and having a conversation with him at the right time, like not like in the middle of his workday when he maybe in the meeting or something. But hey, would it be possible to talk to you and you get a moment and then you know, he brings you up when he’s free. And you say, You’re so awesome. And I love spending time with you. It makes me so happy if we could do something x or, or I would love to hear from you more. See you. It makes me so happy when I get to do X with you.
Mike Goldstein 42:50
And then see how he responds. Right?
Mike Goldstein 42:55
Because maybe he can make some time for you. Maybe he doesn’t realize and
Damona 43:00
Maybe it’s not his love language like maybe your love language is quality time. And he thought it was acts of service or something like that. And he did all these things, but he didn’t realize that it wasn’t connecting for you. I have another question for you, Mike. This one comes to us from one of our friends with benefits from the Patreon club. She says what does it mean when a guy says he does something because it’s funny. For example, my guy tells me other girls are flirting with him because he says he’s just being honest. And he isn’t doing anything with him with them. But he finds a cute that I get jealous. Is this a red flag?
Mike Goldstein 43:39
Whoa.
Mike Goldstein 43:41
finds a cute one. She’s just funny. cute and funny.
Damona 43:47
What do you say my
Mike Goldstein 43:48
sounds like he’s almost like deflecting her feelings.
Mike Goldstein 43:52
I’m like, I wonder if that person who asked that as feeling like he’s not listening or not. not concerned about her. I mean, I’m just projecting that. But you know, I think you need to present if it’s bothering you, it needs to be presented that way, like, hey, when you do act, you know, when you’re flirting with these girls, that makes me feel a little less special. And I don’t ever want to change who you are like, I love who you are. But I just wanted you to know how I feel and
Damona 44:23
own your feelings and then see how he responds to that.
Mike Goldstein 44:26
Because maybe he doesn’t if you’re feeling upset, maybe he doesn’t want you to feel that way.
Damona 44:30
Yeah, I tend to not think of anything as a red flag. People are always like, what are the red flags and dating? I think it’s just like, what kind of response do you get when you express your truth and your feelings and what you need? I also wonder if he is doing that, because he’s not feeling like you’re seeing him enough. And he’s not feeling like you’re, you’re pumping him up, because why else would he go? If you’re in a relationship and he’s committed to you? Why would he need the validation from these other women flirting with him. And then why would he need to tell you? It’s just because he wants you to tell him? Like, those same things? Right? That’s a great point. Yeah. I mean, it’s a childish way to go about it. Yeah. But that’s probably what’s underneath.
Mike Goldstein 45:16
Yeah, like the whole situation. I mean, it does lead to an amazing, such an amazing point. Just go sit down and be like, Hey, are you happy with in our relationship or what’s going on within our life can
Damona 45:25
do to make you feel more secure? Because I You don’t need to get validation from these other women if I’m doing what what you need, you know,
Mike Goldstein 45:35
maybe he wants some flirting from his girlfriend and some words of appreciation and then he will be the other women in this room. I don’t see my girlfriend. She’s fantastic.
Damona 45:45
I need to know your love language, honey. Okay, um, one bonus question because you’re a guy and because this came from a guy, our fan Jose, who’s been listening to the show for a really long time, he says what is it that women with children take care of guys better than those with women without children. Do you see this? Mike? I don’t know. Do you date ladies with children? I have? Do they? Do they take better care of you?
Mike Goldstein 46:15
Probably.
Damona 46:16
We’re just so used to take care. I mean, I even mom to earlier, I was like, you need to scoot your chair and let me put this. Let me put this microphone here. But like, that could be kind of dangerous thinking for Jose, right? Like, the fact that he’s already drawing a conclusion about a whole group of people based on a couple of experiences, right?
Mike Goldstein 46:38
Yeah. And you know, it’s probably fun initially. It’s like, whew, someone’s doing stuff for me. And I’ve been there. I’ve had women that do stuff for me. But eventually, it’s like, hold on, she took the masculine role. And now what am I doing? How do I get to provide? Wait a second, I’m no longer sexually attracted to my mom who happens to be my girlfriend. You don’t want to date your mom. You don’t want them doing stuff. You want to be doing stuff for them, letting them kick their feet back. You know, mom is doing stuff for kids all day long, all day long. All day long. And then imagine back to the chicken and all night
Damona 47:12
too. Okay. But I digress. Back to the Yeah, like, be the mayor chicken. Yeah, we’re
Mike Goldstein 47:19
gonna, mom can arrest and all of a sudden she’s like, wow, this guy’s great. He’s doing stuff for me. I don’t have to do stuff for him. I got to kick my feet back. Cool. Maybe I owe him like a kiss or something or good conversation or I’m excited about this.
Damona 47:37
I like that you didn’t go blue. I’m not good conversation. It’s like, oh, there’s other things you could do.
Mike Goldstein 47:43
Yeah, sorry.
Damona 47:45
We’re gonna keep it clean. For today’s episode. This is our last of five q fab. I love to hear which takeaways from the things the wonderful wisdom that Mike shared, really hit home for you. You can tweet me at five keys. With using the hashtag, you can tweet me using the hashtag five q fab, and share those insights and we’ll share them with the rest of our audience as well. Thank you so much for being here, Mike.
Mike Goldstein 48:11
Thank you for having me.
Damona 48:13
And you can catch up with Mike at easy dating coach calm and check out his YouTube channel. So awesome look for easy dating coach. And while you’re on his website, get his free gift. There’s so many free gifts but one that you think I think you might really be interested in is the video for how to get and keep a guy forever. We’ll put the link in the show notes. Thank you so much.
Mike Goldstein 48:36
Thank you.
Damona 48:38
I hope you enjoyed Episode 298 of dates and mates again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials and I want to hear your love questions and maybe you need a little bit more support from me right now and you want to get in on some of those live coaching calls, check out our Patreon patreon.com slash dates and mates and see how I can support you in a bigger way in love will be back again next week when I will be talking to my co host from the TV series hashtag black love. Mr. jack daniels who has a big announcement about his own love life. And he’ll be talking with me about how dating has changed since black love. And since we began this podcast, we’re coming up on 300 episodes. So we’re going to ring in the 300th episode in a big way. We’ll see you next week. But until then, I wish you happy dating
Is this the time to give up on love?
Man Shopping & Psychotic Optimism: Love Month Part 3
BECOME A PSYCHOTIC OPTIMIST!
It’s February and you know what that means – Valentine’s is upon us! And to celebrate the month of love, we’ll be doing something special. We have 4 of the top prior Dates & Mates guest love experts who will be joining me for the next 4 weeks. This is episode three of our Love Month #5QFeb!
via GIPHY
Before we get into the show, just a quick shout out to our new listeners. We are so grateful to Apple Podcasts, Stitcher and Pandora for all featuring us or Valentine’s Day and we welcome you if you’re new to the show!
This week’s love expert is Bela Gandhi, founder of Smart Dating Academy and a weekly media correspondent. She is a relationship expert and has been featured on everything from Good Morning America, Steve Harvey, The Today Show, Fox & Friends and so much more!
She’s here to give us a whole new perspective on love that we haven’t heard yet!
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (4:05)
Why Shakira won’t marry her super hot baby daddy
According to their latest interview on 60 Minutes, Shakira and hunky soccer player Gerard Pique will not marry. ‘I don’t want him to see me as ‘The Wife’,” she says. “His lover, his girlfriend. It’s like a little forbidden fruit, you know? I wanna keep him on his toes. I want him to think that anything’s possible depending on behavior.” Is this manipulative behavior? Damona and Bela have thoughts.
via GIPHY
Could Twitter be the right dating app for you?
The Bold Italic published a personal piece from comedian Ginny Hogan where she explains how Twitter became a dating app for her! Damona breaks down how to know if it’s right for you.
via GIPHY
Everything you need to know about online dating today
From Damona’s most trusted resource, the Pew Research Center!
via GIPHY
#5QFeb (20:32)
Damona asks Bela the 5 MOST IMPORTANT dating questions of our time:
via GIPHY
TECHNICALLY DATING (35:00)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
via GIPHY
JOIN OUR COMMUNITY!
Are you feeling overwhelmed with dating and relationships and looking for a little more support? then you are the perfect person to become one of my Friends with Benefits.
We just launched a special patreon program for our listeners who want a little more love from Damona
What is Patreon?
Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating
Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates
What will you get if you sign up?
A private Facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show.
And you’ll have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions.
Plus secret BTS content from our nearly 300 episodes of Dates & Mates.
And for my really special top-tier FWBs, you can even get a personalized dating profile analysis from me with tips tailored just for you on how to make a magnetic profile that draws the right kind of dates to you.
The Patreon is live on at patreon.com/datesandmates
And we have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the Lover or VIP level – a free autographed copy of my book. But only if you sign up during the month of February.
Go to patreon.com/datesandmates to see which of tier is right for you. I look forward supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community as one of my Friends with Benefits.
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:00
Are you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with dating and relationships and looking for a little more support than you are the perfect person to become one of my friends with benefits? We just launched a special Patreon program for our listeners who want a little more love for me. What is Patreon? Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear. And it allows you to get amazing listener benefits by participating. Our page is patreon.com slash dates and mates. What will you get if you sign up? First, we have a private Facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show. And you’ll have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions. Plus, you’ll get secret behind the scenes content from our nearly 300 episodes of dates and mates. And for my really special top tier Fw B’s, you can even get a personalized dating profile. analysis from me, with tips tailored just for you on how to make a magnetic dating profile that draws in just the right kind of dates to you. The Patreon is live now@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. And we have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the lover or VIP level during the month of February. You’ll also get a free autographed copy of my book but only if you sign up during this month of February. So go to patreon.com slash dates and mates to see which tier is right for you. I look forward to supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community. As one of my friends with benefits.
Bela Gandhi 1:41
What does his text me so frustrated? He’s just not that into me. I’ve always been battle for attention.
Bela Gandhi 1:48
I’m ready for miracles but
Bela Gandhi 1:49
I’m sure my
Damona 1:54
Modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman happy love month lovers. This is episode three of our special five to five love month series during which I will interview your favorite dates and mates guests and ask the most pressing questions about love. Today, we’re using the hashtag five q fab if you want to get in on the conversation and let me know what the big takeaways are for you from today’s episode. Before we get into the show, I also just want to give a quick shout out to our new listeners. We are so grateful that Apple podcasts and Stitcher and Pandora are all featuring us for Valentine’s Day and have sent us a lot of new listeners. So we’re so glad to have you here. And I just want to welcome you if you are new to the show, I’m certified Dating Coach damona Hoffman and I’ve been coaching singles on online and offline dating for about 15 years. I’ve made a lot of marriages and I’ve seen a lot of dating changes during that time. And one dating expert who has been in the love trenches with me for a lot of that time is Bella Gandhi. Bella is a data And relationship expert. She’s the founder of smart dating Academy and she’s a weekly media correspondent. You’ve probably seen her on anything from Good Morning America to the Steve Harvey show the today show fox and friends and so much more. But she’s so much more than just that resume. She’s a dear friend of mine and I am excited to give big smooches and welcome Bella Gandhi.
Bela Gandhi 3:23
I am so excited to be here. This is amazing.
Damona 3:27
You are amazing. Your advice is amazing. And I’m really excited to do this five q fab. These questions with you today. But I’m also excited to cover these headlines we have a lot of news to talk about, including why Shakira won’t get married to her super hot baby daddy, and how you can use Twitter as your dating app, plus some new research on dating from my most trusted source. And then we’ll be answering your questions including what’s a reasonable age gap for dating and what are the odds you’ll meet your match at speed dating All that and more on today’s dates and mates. Bella, are you ready for love month?
Bela Gandhi 4:05
Girl? I could not be more ready. No Well then let’s do this
Damona 4:12
Now Shakira is making headlines not just for her very hot performance in the Super Bowl halftime show, but also because she and her boyfriend Spanish soccer star, Gerard PK are not getting married anytime soon. Now before you go thinking this is just, this is just too hot people getting together. It’s no big deal. No, they have actually been together since 2011. And they have two children together. So these two are really bonded. They are central essentially living as a married couple but they do not want to get married. Bella, here’s why she says on an interview for 60 minutes she said I don’t want him to see me as the wife. I want him to see me as his lover his girlfriend. It’s Like a little forbidden fruit, you know, I want to keep him on. I want them to think that anything’s possible depending on behavior. What do you think about that statement in the fact that she is not putting any any value on marrying the father of her children?
Bela Gandhi 5:20
You know, I think, I think she came out of a pretty famously bad divorce, before she got together with pk. So I think it’s really normal after you’ve been through something that can be so traumatic, especially as a celebrity and when somebody was trying to you know, you know, take a legitimate part of your fortune that didn’t belong to them. Like I understand why she would be kind of have a lot of trepidation about getting into another marriage situation.
Damona 5:51
It is understandable. I’m a big fan of marriage, but I also think it’s not the right fit for everyone. I do find though, when you start to build your life together, you have two kids. You have a home together, that sometimes we, we lose sight of the big picture. And we just think like, well, I don’t want to go, I want to go against the grain I don’t want to do what what I did before or what other people are doing. And that sometimes, like, as much as we want it to be, like passion filled and romantic, we have to be a little bit practical and pragmatic.
Bela Gandhi 6:22
Oh, I think that that’s, I think that that’s so true. And I think, you know, keeping that spark going in a marriage, right, or even a long term relationship, it takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of communication, it takes a lot of negotiation, and it takes a lot of intimacy to get there and sometimes, you know, the the issue can be in a relationship, you know, especially when people can be have, you know, multiple partners or not married is the question is how truly safe Do you feel in this relationship without that official commitment, right and that can drive trust issues as well. Yeah,
Damona 7:03
I got a little nervous I must admit when she said I want to keep him on his toes. I want them to think that’s any anything’s possible depending on behavior, which I’m reading into me and like his behavior and that she could maybe withhold something from him if she doesn’t like what what he’s doing. And that felt a little bit manipulative to me, but maybe I’m reading it the wrong way.
Bela Gandhi 7:27
Yeah, I mean, I think you can read it that way. For sure. You know, and I think it’s also based on like, Okay, if you end up you know, pulling the wool over my eyes if you end up doing what you know, some other athletes have done to the people they’re in relationships with cheated on them, then there’s consequences for that behavior and peace out. I’m out if you do that.
Damona 7:53
Yes, she is. Setting a firm boundary. I expect nothing less of Shakira, but I do You like this idea of keeping the romance alive and like I think there’s a way that even if you are married or you’re considering getting married, you can still have that have that essence of the girlfriend the lover the the romantic interest and still keep keep that that energy alive even though you are now the wife.
Bela Gandhi 8:21
Yes, again, it definitely takes work right and it is because in a sense, like safety and excitement are two opposite emotions right? And the more attach them the more safe you feel with your partner, which is amazing. And you know, it’s the best feeling in the world. It becomes hard to keep that spark. So it’s really working on the balance of the two which is possible it just again, it’s it’s not natural.
Damona 8:45
Yes, it’s not natural. One thing that’s also not natural, is meeting people on Twitter. I read this really fun article in The Bold Italic which of course will link to in the show notes by a comedian named Jenny. Hope Again, who is just frustrated with Tinder she says she signs on and off multiple times throughout the day. But one thing that’s been consistent in her life is her Twitter presence and she actually uses it as a place to try out her jokes and really show her personality. And she gets a lot of dm slides, Bella, I hear you
Bela Gandhi 9:20
I know, I got married on Twitter.
Damona 9:22
I know a couple who got married on Twitter as well who will not on Twitter but from Twitter. They are tweet hearts. It can work but like this this article, they she posted a lot of her dm slides that were less than less than exciting to receive. And less than savory. Less than savory to read.
Bela Gandhi 9:49
How
Damona 9:50
How do you look at that in terms of Twitter being a dating, a place for dating and Twitter as she says being her dating app in a way? How do you filter Through those dm slides and not get overwhelmed or, or like disappointed and find the real gems, if you’re going to use Twitter in that, in that function. You
Bela Gandhi 10:11
know, Don’t I look at the entire world is fair game for dating, right? Whether it’s Twitter or Instagram, whether it’s work, whether it’s church, the synagogue, the train, you can meet great people everywhere. And the filtering mechanisms, ultimately, are going to be a little bit different just based on the context that you’ve met this person. But what what I liked about what she said is, you can really tell a lot about someone through reading their Twitter profile, and her Twitter profile was really thick. She had a lot and you could tell a lot about you could kind of make conclusions about her personality based on the things that she was tweeting. And you can also draw conclusions about other people based on what they’re tweeting. It’s like, in a sense, if you’re on Tinder or Bumble or match you can only look at that conversation that you’re having with that person. Here, you can look at the conversations that people are having with the world. Yes, it’s
Damona 11:08
in a way, it’s taken down the filter of I’m here for dating, like people on dating apps always try to put their best dating face forward. But there’s so much more information if you can actually see that person in their natural habitat and what they would post on Twitter. It was a little confusing in that she’s a comedian. And she’s like, some of this stuff is basically just jokes. And so people are going to make certain assumptions, assumptions based on what they’ve seen on her Twitter profile. But it seems like overall, it’s been more successful for her than dating apps have been,
Bela Gandhi 11:44
hey, if it works, keep doing it right. For some people. They meet on match for some people they meet on eHarmony Twitter, Instagram, I know you like me do this on a daily basis. You’ve seen it all. You’ve heard it all. Keep doing what works.
Damona 12:00
I like that. And I like that it’s you’re not attaching meaning to a certain way of meeting someone. A lot of times people tell me Well, I don’t want my story that I tell my kids to be that we met on Twitter or Tinder or what have you. And ultimately, if you get the happy ending doesn’t necessarily matter where it comes from.
Bela Gandhi 12:19
I hear it too to me. I’m like, then I don’t know that you’re truly ready to find love. Oh,
Bela Gandhi 12:28
tough love. Yeah. Right. You should be open to meeting people anywhere whether you meet eyes across mangoes at Whole Foods, whether you meet them on Tinder or match or on the train wherever it is right that it’s finding the lid to your pot. There’s nothing better in life who cares where they came from? Be grateful for that outlet.
Damona 12:49
Yes, well, I know you’ve been doing this a long time. As I have. I’ve I’ve written the way from online dating to dating apps and one source that I always look to for research on this area is the Pew Research Center. And they just released the 10 facts about online dating in America that I don’t think anything is shock is going to shock you or I, but it might shock some people that that now 45% of people are saying that dating apps are positive experiences, but they say they’ve had frustrations. Now, the majority of people under 30. Well, almost 50% of people under 30 have used a dating site or dating app. And those numbers are also growing in the 30 to 49 and the 50 plus group. So it’s really becoming a much more accepted way of dating then when I began coaching singles on dating apps before and people were like,
Bela Gandhi 13:47
I don’t want to do that.
Damona 13:48
What are you seeing as someone that’s also been in this space for a long time, in terms of attitudes around dating, and dating online?
Bela Gandhi 13:58
You know, I think there’s a certain reason Ignatius
Bela Gandhi 14:02
people are resigned to it like they know that they need to do it. And it’s just the way life works. I don’t know that anybody comes to me, particularly jazzed about mind dating. But you know, I look at dating that with three major pipelines I do you meet somebody in real life, you get set up with them, or you’re using a site or an app to meet people, it really boils down to those three. So if you don’t use technology, you’ve just eliminated one major pipeline of candidates.
Damona 14:32
Yeah. And the pipeline that really keeps growing. I mean, when I began doing this, they would say like, one in six relationships started with a dating site. And now those numbers are looking like more like one and four and possibly even one in three. I think the numbers actually underreported. So that’s really the trend. And even though you’re not maybe excited to use a dating app, I think sometimes people assign more meetings. To the vehicle, then they do intention to the process. Do you know what I mean by that?
Bela Gandhi 15:06
Yeah, absolutely. It’s like, well, I don’t want to do the online dating. I said, Do you want to find love? Then you need to do the data. Do you want to do the dating? Most people don’t want to do the dating, right? They want to Amazon Prime there, mate. You know, I want to check off 17 boxes. He should be this tall. He should make this much money. He should be this funny. And I’d like him delivered prime to my mailbox.
Damona 15:29
Yeah, I used to think that I actually felt that way about online dating for I still feel that way about online dating. I would call it man shopping. And I really feel like I ordered up my husband, but you know, I had to make a few returns. And that’s just part of the process. Sometimes you buy something it doesn’t really fit. So you got to take it back.
Bela Gandhi 15:47
Exactly. It’s like Goldilocks man. She had to sit in three chairs before she found the one that was just right.
Damona 15:53
Yes, yes, exactly. Just like Goldilocks. We’re all Goldilocks out here. What do you think in terms of the The qualities or the values that people are looking at, according to the Pew study, people were were focused on things like the type of relationship that the person was looking for whether or not they have children, hobbies and interests, religious beliefs. I’m going in, in descending order, racial or ethnic background, occupation, height still in there. And political affiliation. Those are all factors that people are sorting based on. Do you think we’re focusing on the wrong things right now?
Bela Gandhi 16:30
You know, I think that we’re focusing on quantitative things, right? Things that you can put numbers to things that you can assign values to things that are that things that seem easy, right? height, interest, religion, race, political affiliation, right. But ultimately, it’s the qualitative stuff that is the beauty of relationships.
Damona 16:52
Yes. So maybe it’s the maybe the maybe the religious beliefs if that’s really core to who you are. Maybe like the Children that’s kind of a hard thing to overlook if they have children and you’re not into that, but the superficial stuff like what’s your take on height? I feel like I keep going around and around with clients about the importance of height. What do you say to women that that are like must be six to our taller?
Bela Gandhi 17:20
Now I tell them you’re kind of dating from your cave woman self like I get. we’re wired that way right? There’s evolution. 200,000 years humans haven’t evolved very much. And women still preference traits that they did you know back in the caveman days like I want you to be big caveman who can go out to jungle kill buffalo drag buffalo home to feed me and children. But I really rationally in today’s day and age, size doesn’t really matter height doesn’t really matter. If you look at the statistics, only 12% of men in this country are over six feet tall. The average American man take it A cross white, black, Hispanic, Asian is between five, eight and five, nine.
Damona 18:06
And that’s a perfectly good height for most women who are what average five for the average American
Bela Gandhi 18:11
woman. It’s about 5455. You know, and six feet tall. I tell my clients like, think about, I just put 100 age appropriate men in the room. Okay? Now if you say you want him to be six feet or over, you open the door, let 88 of them walk out of the room. Now you’re left with 12. That is what you did with just that one parameter.
Damona 18:36
That is so interesting when you look at it that way and you really see the numbers of your dating pool going down and then and then all of the other filters that we put on it, suddenly we’re like there’s one guy or less
Bela Gandhi 18:48
that we may be looking, it’s a percentage multiplier. Exactly. So if you have 12 guys left in the room that are six feet taller over, then if you’re like, I’d like him to be white and I’d like him to be Halfway right? There’s nobody left.
Damona 19:04
What can people do to expand their dating pool right now beyond just taking away some of those, those filters that you and I feel are non essentials? What are some other ways that people can open up to love,
Bela Gandhi 19:18
you know, with every inch that you come down closer to your height, I’m five, three on a really big hair day. And my husband’s five, six on a really big hair day. Right? And, and the closer you can come to your own height, every inch screens in hundreds, if not thousands of good prospective candidates for you. You know, so really think about you know, I tell my clients like everybody’s the same height line down. Yeah.
Damona 19:47
That’s what everyone’s going for anyway.
Bela Gandhi 19:50
Right. Right. And, and I get how we’re wired right and, but understand the math of what you’re looking for. Know what’s really non negotiable to you. To your point earlier, if religion is a big deal for you, then that has to be in there, but you’ve got to be able to give on something else. Because if you do that percentage multiplier and you’re not getting good candidates in your pool, you might just be constraining too many parameters and the sites don’t have someone for you. If you’re not getting good matches, take a look at yourself and say, What if I asked for? Is it realistic based on the demographic on this site?
Damona 20:32
Yes. Is it realistic and is it even really what I need? Yes, it really that important when you really think about the long term goals that you have and the values that you have and what you really need in a partner. Okay, we are going to take a quick break when we come back we’ll be doing these five q fab questions with Bella. So Bella, get ready because we’re going to go deep in the next segment, I’m ready. We are back with Bella Gandhi of smart Dating Academy. So if you’ve been following this month, we are asking five big questions of for dating experts and getting wildly different responses, but all very illuminating. So Bella, Here’s your first question for five q fab. What is the biggest challenge for daters today?
Bela Gandhi 21:23
Man? I have to pick one. Just one. And like,
Damona 21:27
Here, I’ll I’ll narrow it down. Not one of the ones that we’ve talked about before. In the first segment.
Bela Gandhi 21:34
Yeah, I think relying too much on chemistry. Right. We feel like like there’s a lot in that one statement. I think that with dating apps and sites and this abundance of people that are seemingly out there for us, what happens is we go out on a date, and we’re not feeling fireworks chemistry butterflies were like men Let me see who else is in my inbox. I don’t think we’re a match. You know, when you throw that person back to the pond, it’s such a big mistake. For example, I knew my husband, we were friends for six years before there was a spark, right? And we work with our clients. I don’t care if you’re feeling chemistry on the first or second or third date because good love can be a slow burn. It’s such a mistake what people are doing today expecting to be bowled over electrified by a person. In fact, if my clients are feeling really heavy chemistry with somebody on the first date, it’s a total red flag to me it’s a red flag meaning I think this person that you have all this chemistry with me just remind you of someone that you dated that was bad for you.
Damona 22:42
Oh, yeah, I remember you saying that on Good Morning America segment that that those heavy butterflies are actually a bad sign and not to keep going back to the same well, but I talked to a few weeks ago about love at first sight and how it can’t exist because you I don’t really know that other person but I never really thought about it from the perspective of it may be your reaction to that person reminding you of an of something familiar and we tend to attract the familiar, right? Even if it’s something that’s not good for us, we we tend to repeat
Bela Gandhi 23:17
the same pattern. Hey, I believe there’s lust at first sight, but love at first sight know lust comes after lust, attraction, and then attachment and love,
Damona 23:28
like those difference, like how is there a certain amount of time that it takes you think to develop that slow love?
Bela Gandhi 23:36
Yeah, for sure. I mean, you have to, you have to grow emotionally intimate with the person, right? You have to feel like this person is good for you. They’re stable. They make you feel safe, secure. They’re a cheerleader for you. They’re supportive. They’re kind, they’re generous. They love your people like those things take time to unfold. And this is where so many people Fuck is, you know, I would say lust is nature’s way of tricking us into love and attachment. And you really have to vet who the hell you’re dating. Yeah,
Damona 24:11
yeah, that’s it. That’s a easier said than done, you know, when we get caught up in the feelings and and then and it’s not even just the feelings Bella, we get caught up in the story, this that happy ending that we want. And the story that we’ve told ourselves he’s going to be six to he’s going to make this much money. He’s also like you said going to be like Catholic and this background and whatever. And then you get there and realize the story that you were telling yourself isn’t the story that’s in front of you. Yeah, question to the story into getting that happy ending even though the facts aren’t necessarily there in front of us.
Bela Gandhi 24:46
And yeah, yeah. And it’s focused on the right things. I tell people be picky, but be picky about the right things. Be open to the story.
Damona 24:55
Huh? Yeah, yes. And so and sometimes, the story goes in and unexpected directions and you have to be willing to, to go with the flow. So for those people that are still looking for their love story, here’s the second question, what is the best way to find love today?
Bela Gandhi 25:13
Hey, now I’m going to hark back to the three wells that I talked about right in, in real life getting set up and going on online dates, right? I mean, the best way is to make a plan that includes all three of those pipelines, and then optimizing it, everything that like finding love, there’s nothing more important than you will ever do in your life, then find the right partner for you. And the best way to do it is to take those three pipelines into consideration and then make a plan you have to know where you are right? And then you have to know where you want to go. You need two points to have a path where I am and where I want to be. But it’s hard right it that that’s the
Damona 26:00
Renee brown calls that’s the messy middle.
Bela Gandhi 26:03
It’s the messy middle. It’s like anything, right? It’s like changing careers. It’s like starting a business. It’s like having children. The middle is always messy. Right? And the journey is never a straight line up. It’s a lot of mess in between ups downs, plateaus, downs, lower downs, high ups, right and coming back to the mean.
Damona 26:22
Okay, so for those that have identified that they are not necessarily on the path that they want to be on. Our third question is What? How can people change their patterns in love?
Bela Gandhi 26:35
intervention, you need help. It doesn’t come naturally. Right? You can an intervention, meaning you might go out and buy a book that resonates with you, if you’re a person that’s a DIY, or you can Google it, you can read it. You can put your plan together and do it then do it. Right. If not, you need a supportive team. Maybe it’s a therapist, you know, maybe it’s a village of friends. Maybe it’s a co You need to change patterns requires a lot of work, a lot of mindfulness and a lot of Conscious Dating.
Damona 27:09
Oh, but that’s tough. Because that also, it does require an acknowledgement that that something is broken. And that’s the place that I find a lot of people get. Talk themselves out of, right? How do you know what the right next step should be like? I had someone who I think follows me on Twitter, who was like already for a dating plan. We’re talking about dating plan, and then all of a sudden, she’s like, actually, I just decided that I’m going to do a like a man cleanse and I’m going to have just no just no men this month instead. And it was like, Whoa, like in between day one, I wanted to do it day two, I am just actually going to retreat from the whole thing. How do you know what the right path is at the right time?
Bela Gandhi 28:01
It just it depends on how you feel right? If the thought of going on a date excites you, then go on the man plan. If the thought of going on a date, you know, makes you want to vomit, then it’s time, man. It’s
Damona 28:15
good. It’s a good point, like, Where are you right now. And so many times people come to me and they’re like, I’m just super frustrated with dating apps. And I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall. And I’m doing this than the other thing. And I just I hate it. I’m all about you dating from a healthy, happy place, right?
Bela Gandhi 28:34
Look, if you’re tired of anything, it’s not going to work for you. You have to, you know, the mindset that I espouse is called psychotic optimism, right? You have to believe in your gut, in your toes. Every part of you, like love exists for me, it’s when it’s not an F. Right? And like once you start to adopt this mindset, side of you know, the FDA psychotic optimism, then you’re going to start to be in a good mindset today. If you’re telling yourself, you know, the bad stories, I’m too old. I’m too fat. I’m too damaged. There’s nobody good out there. How well do you think you’re going to date? Huh?
Damona 29:21
Yeah. And you have to be dating from that place of psychotic optimism. But in a way that’s like faith in the face of it, even when does the story that you see doesn’t add up to that it’s just like having the faith in spite of what you might be getting right now and knowing that the right now is not necessarily the future to get a leap of faith.
Bela Gandhi 29:51
Everything is a leap of faith right and it requires hope, massive amounts of hope, and hope springs eternal when you live Take on that mindset of love will come to me. It’s a when it’s not an if I’ve just guaranteed you guys that you’re going to find love. Now all you have to do is go out and date like hell define this person. So go forth and conquer.
Damona 30:16
Yes, yes. Okay, so now we found the person. Now the fourth question is what are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Bela Gandhi 30:27
commitment, shared commitment to each other. Right. And a shared partnership. You know, I, my husband and I have been married, it’ll be 23 years this year. And we have work committed to each other and we’re committed to each other’s happiness. And we’re committed to running this crazy business that we have called home. And yes, and being supportive of each other’s dreams and wishes and you know, being Continue to give more than you take and you cannot go wrong.
Damona 31:05
Oh, I love that you said that give more than you take,
Bela Gandhi 31:07
give more than you take and make a gratitude list about your partner, right? We talk a lot about gratitude and it’s linkage to happiness, right? It’s irrefutable, we all know it’s true. Make, you know, make a gratitude list about your partner. If you find yourself in that rut for those of you that might be in new relationships that are listening, or in relationships, think look at what this person does for you see them, notice them, tell them, watch your relationship change for the better.
Damona 31:41
Hmm. I love that gratitude and everything. Gratitude, gratitude, also, and dating. That’s something I do with clients at the beginning of the process of making sure that they appreciate what they have, rather than focusing on what they don’t have. Yeah, I have one final question for you for five key fab. And that’s whose relationship do you admire? And why?
Bela Gandhi 32:02
Well, you know, I am really lucky. I know we can’t pick our families, but I really will. I respect and admire the relationships of both sets of my parents, my own parents as well as my husband’s parents. Both of them are have been married 51 and 52 years respectively. And they have been through high highs. They’ve been through low lows. They have had children together, they have had success in careers they have had, you know, bankruptcies, they’ve had health scares, they’ve had people close to them die, and they have held each other’s hands through this journey called life.
Damona 32:47
Do you think having a successful relationship yourself, how much do you think having that relationship role model in each of your parents impacted your ability to form a successful relationship and be securely attached?
Bela Gandhi 33:05
Yeah, I think it’s really important. You know, I think that in general, our parents and the relationships that they modeled for us can have a profound impact on how we choose our own partners. Right? You can either repeat or you can repel. It’s usually one or the other.
Damona 33:22
Hmm, yeah. And then there’s hope still, for those listening who, like me came from a divorced, divorced couple. There is hope, right?
Bela Gandhi 33:33
Oh my gosh, you guys. I mean, every client of mine, we’ve had thousands of clients over the last decade. Most people come in with divorce, death, trauma, abuse, you know, one or two narcissistic parents. I believe me, I see the absolute beautiful, Rainbow laid and happy endings for people That’s why earlier when you asked what do people need, they need intervention with the right intervention and the right amount of hard work and doing things and being patient positive and perseverant, you can overcome that it does not have to be your destiny as well.
Damona 34:17
Well, thank you for sharing your insights with us for five q fab. And for answering my questions, but that’s not all because our listeners have also sent in their questions and we are going to keep you keep you here for technically dating. How are you liking five q FEHB. This is a totally new format for love month and I want to know what you think of it so far. So you can tweet me at damona Hoffman with the hashtag five que FEHB FBB. And tell me what your big takeaways were from my interview with Bella. So she’s answered my questions, but now she’s going to answer yours. If you have a dating question. By the way, I love giving love Advice. And you can send me a question anytime on any platform at damona Hoffman or you can leave me a message through dates and maids.com or email me or send me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 I triple dog dare you because people are so scared to leave their voice. But I promise you, I won’t buy I’ll be compassionate as I always try to be on the show. But I would love to hear your voice. I’d love to have you submit a question via voicemail. So however your questions get to me, we will be answering them. We have three questions queued up for Bella to answer in the next segment. We are back with data mates and here’s what’s on your mind today. Every week we take questions that you’ve submitted through Instagram through Twitter in my email inbox, and we get the questions answered by highly qualified experts like Bella Gandhi. Okay, Bella, this one Lady asks, What is a reasonable age gap for dating? I started dating someone who is seven years younger. My concern is we won’t be on the same page when we get down to having future talk. Is it worth dating someone that much
Bela Gandhi 36:14
younger? Look, I’d have to know what the ages you know, if one is 18 and the others 25. That’s a big age difference. But if one person is 35 and 42, those age differences whittle away as we get older,
Damona 36:28
I did actually do a little follow up research and found out the ages are 33. And I think she said 20. She said 26. So there’s six years, almost seven, right? Yeah.
Bela Gandhi 36:40
Not necessarily. I mean, it’s person specific. You know, I know the average age for men to get married in this country still 29 years old, right? So 26 is not a baby.
Damona 36:51
Mm hmm. But at the same time, there are some questions that they should ask each other or figure out Throughout the process of dating about where they are in the timeline, right, 100% and
Bela Gandhi 37:04
soon Don’t wait a year to ask those questions.
Damona 37:08
Yeah, so that’s that. That’s something I just want to seize on for a minute in her question. She said, Is it worth dating someone that much younger? And to me that sounds like we’ll meet, you’re playing ahead to the end of the story. before you’ve you’ve actually read it. What do you think about that?
Bela Gandhi 37:28
Yeah, you know, I have the conversation, right? You don’t catastrophize it just because it’s different than other people. Some of my best friends are, you know, one of my best friends has a husband who’s seven years younger than her and they’re now married and they have three kids.
Damona 37:44
Yes. I found out today that Shakira has a boyfriend. I almost called him husband she would she would kill me. Sorry, Shakira. Her boyfriend is 10 years younger than her. She’s 43. He’s 33. So get it, girl. Get it girl. If it works, why not? But yeah, she’ll have to go through the process right of figuring out like not just not focusing so much on the age gap but in terms of future goals and the path that they’re on right
Bela Gandhi 38:12
yeah, you like you know what if this goes well I would like to be engaged in a year and married in two years and I’m looking to have a couple of kids right so I’m not looking to drag this on for the next eight years. Like how do you feel about that? And having those direct conversations and he will
Damona 38:29
run if he is not up for that he will run so fast Exactly.
Bela Gandhi 38:33
If you’re the right person for him. He will stick around
Damona 38:38
Yes, it’s amazing when when they feel ready to commit guys will commit but man when you when you try to force it. I know you fellas are like, Nah, we’re not down for that. I have a couple more questions Bella, before we let you go. This person this is a sometimes people messaged me on Instagram. Very simple. direct question. This one is would you suggest speed dating?
Bela Gandhi 39:05
Hmm, sure, why not?
Bela Gandhi 39:10
Why not? I have a client that got married through speed dating. Not a lot of them. But definitely, I can think of one off the top of my head. I like, you know, look, do whatever it takes for you to feel good about dating. And for some people, as part of their plan, they want to get out there. And they want to meet people IRL in real life. So if that’s you, go for it do the speed dating.
Damona 39:36
Yeah, I find it funny. A lot of people will say to me that they, they don’t like online dating, but then when I suggest speed dating, that’s too much work. So it’s like somewhere in between. I don’t ever want to leave my couch and I can’t actually get dressed up to meet 10 guys that may not be a match for me. It’s like finding that middle ground. Sometimes very tricky. I found speed dating was more popular when I started doing this. And like I did some speed dating events that I hosted with, you know, speed dating companies like, it’s been a minute. It’s been like, you know, eight or 10 years, since that really seemed like a very popular option, but at the same time, it’s like it’s all in the pool, right? You get in the pool, and then you see who’s there and maybe what if your perfect person is there, and you just didn’t show up that day? Yeah, that’d be a bummer.
Bela Gandhi 40:34
That would be a bummer.
Damona 40:36
Yeah, so I suggest trying it sounds like we’re both on the same page there. Yeah. Love alright. Last question. Bella. What do you do when you feel like giving up on dating?
Bela Gandhi 40:47
Become a psychotic optimist!
Bela Gandhi 40:54
you have to know Look around you, right? Not every person That’s in a relationship is perfect size zero, you know, whatever it is you think it takes to get into a relationship and that you feel like you don’t have. And you have to know that this is what you’re wired for. You’re wired for love, right? And you just have to get back on the bike and keep doing it. If you need to take a break, go into do a 30 day dating, detox, that’s fine. And then by that, I mean shut it down. Right? Don’t like peek at your apps, like delete everything, and go into a total like, I’m going to rebuild myself and self care for that month, and really do the things that bring me joy, and make me feel good again and then go back into the dating pool.
Damona 41:45
Yes, so now we’ve convinced everybody to stop dating. But then everything will be better later. No. Yeah, that’s like if you’re, if you’re at that place, you could stop dating But otherwise, you should keep keep moving forward. You should work Bella and smart dating Academy should keep listening to this podcast and become a psychotic optimist and then you’ll be all right. Amen. Thank you so much for being here Bella, I love having you for our love month five q FEHB. keep spreading the love out there in the world. Thank you for having
Bela Gandhi 42:15
You’re doing such great work.
Damona 42:18
Thank you You too. If you love Bella Gandhi as much as I do, please follow her on Twitter at Bella Gandhi we’ll put the link in the show notes. You can also find her online at smart dating academy.com I hope you enjoyed Episode 297 of dates and mates coming up on that three hundo again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials and I really really do want to hear your love questions. Don’t forget to leave us a review on Apple podcasts or Stitcher or wherever you are listening to this show. We love our listeners. We love to know what you like about the show. What you want more of what You want less of so thank you so much for all of your feedback. Keep it coming. We will be back again next week with our final episode of this special love month series. We have easy dating coach Mike Goldstein, who will be giving us the male perspective on the five questions about love. Can’t wait for next week. Until then, I wish you happy dating
Last Minute Valentine’s Day Guide
HAPPY VALENTINE’S LOVERS!
Do you have plans for tonight?
Everything you need for a successful Valentine’s Day: last-minute dates ideas, money-saving tips, and ways to celebrate if you’re single.
UNUSUAL VALENTINE’S DATE IDEAS – instead of the same old dinner and a movie, Damona offers clever tips for a memorable Valentine’s Day with your boo.
A FEW POSITIVES OF SINGLEHOOD YOU MIGHT NOT EXPECT
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR LOVE IN THE RIGHT PLACES?
Join our Patreon! This is a way for us to connect on a deeper level and for you to get more personalized support from me on your love life.
What is Patreon?
Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating
Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates
Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:00
Happy Valentine’s Day lovers, I had to drop a special bonus episode for this special day. I know for many of you, Valentine’s Day, isn’t really a happy time. And when I was single, the approach of February 14, always made me anxious and resentful about love. And it was the last thing I wanted to think about during this week. The last thing I wanted to think about was dating. So for anyone that finds themselves single on this day, just know, I understand, I know where you are. And I want to give you some support today on how to survive Valentine’s Day single, and how you can do something different today that will really fill you up with love, which is really what Valentine’s Day is all about. And now that I’m in a relationship, there’s a whole new set of challenges. There’s the overwhelm about what to do on Valentine’s Day. There’s a questions about how to celebrate without breaking the bank. And this is all kicking in weeks, weeks before Even today, for those of you in relationships if you haven’t made a Valentine plan yet, you’re late, but it’s okay. I’m going to give you several ideas for clever Valentine’s activities so that you can still save the day, or at least save your
Unknown Speaker 1:16
money, save the bank and maybe celebrate later this weekend.
Damona 1:20
And many of these ideas are also great tips for singles who are looking for clever date ideas. So regardless of your relationship status, you want to stay tuned to this special bonus episode. But first, do you know about our new Patreon program, this is a new way for us to connect on a deeper level and for you to get more personalized support from me on your love life.
Unknown Speaker 1:41
So what’s Patreon?
Damona 1:44
Well, Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and it will allow you to get amazing listener benefits just by participating. Our page is patreon.com slash dates and mates. I’m sure you’re wondering, Well, what do I get damona. If I sign up? Well, there’s three different tiers. And one is for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others that listen to the show and keep the show going strong for another seven seasons. And then we have a top tier for those of you who really want a more personalized experience from the dates and mates, podcast and for me. And this includes a dating profile analysis for me with insights from my 15 years of writing dating profiles to address your specific photos and responses and the challenges that you have faced on dating apps. And then there’s our most popular middle tier, and that will give you a private Facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show, a monthly private live group coaching sessions. And by the way, those are not available anywhere else on my site right now. But if you join into the program, you’ll be a part of the conversation and you’ll be invited to those monthly live coaching sessions with me. And then you also get behind the scenes content from our nearly 300 episodes of dates and mates. And then I didn’t mention this on Monday show, but you also will get access to my new content club in this tier. And that includes my recommendations of books and podcasts, and other content that can help steer you towards the relationship you want. So that Patreon is live@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. I’ll tell you at the end about the special bonus that we’re giving for anyone who signs up this month during the month of love. But I know you came here for advice. And so I’m going to kick things off with my unusual Valentine’s Day date ideas. Also caveat these can be used any time of year to have a different kind of date. Because Aren’t we all just so sick of the old dinner in a movie, I’ve talked about this before on dates and dates, but when you are at a dinner date with someone, whether it’s someone you’re just meeting for the first time, or someone you’ve been in a relationship with, it’s kind of it’s like interview. It’s not very romantic, and it’s long, it doesn’t bring the energy into the date that you really need to have. And man, if you’re going to a movie, that’s just saying, like, I want to have this experience with you, but I don’t really want to talk to you for two and a half hours. So that’s not the most romantic choice for Valentine’s Day, either. So these ideas can get you out of your rut and can infuse some some more excitement into your dating experience. Whether you’re in a relationship or just dating someone new. The first idea is be a tourist in your own town. I love to take walking tours and bus tours and just explore whether it’s my city or someone else’s. But here in your own city, you can see your hometown from the point of view of a visitor, and as corny as tourists can be, I know you’re thinking damona that’s just that’s just that’s just cheesy. But it can be really fun for you and your significant other to see the city through new eyes and it might even cause you to look at your relationship through new eyes as well. So get some new perspective, try one of these tours and just just have fun with it. You can also take the day to
get outdoors I find that outdoor dates can create a completely different energy especially from those dinner dates. So I know I’m recording this from California. The weather is 70 degrees and sunny as it always is, but I know I’m from Michigan, a lot of a lot of people are having a very snowy and cold Valentine’s Day but that’s okay. Why not grab a sled or a pair of skis and get out into the world and experience experience your your own environment with your significant other because when you do something active, it releases endorphins. It makes you feel those those butterflies And those chemical feelings that you felt when you first met, and it’s great for a first date, to to get outdoors and really do something that gets your heart pumping. You can also try to heat things up amateur cooking classes have been springing up all over the place. I actually bought a class at this place called hip cooks in LA for me and my husband last year for Valentine’s Day, and creating a meal together cooking and creating together something that can really bond the two of you. So maybe you don’t have one of these these studios or places in your city. That’s okay. You can make your own special day and you can make something together. Whether you pull a recipe from a cookbook or even some of these meal kits. Now you can even go to Whole Foods and buy a meal kit that has all of the ingredients worked out for you and see how you work together. See how you collaborate and communicate And then, and then you can enjoy a beautiful meal in the privacy of your own home even. And that might be more romantic than sitting with all of these other people out and about who’ve spent three times as much on the prefixed menus. I also encourage people to get artistic. Now I mentioned the cooking studios, but there’s also a lot of art studios that have popped up where you can paint a ceramic piece of your choosing so you can make this a gift for your partner something that you do together. My husband I did this many, many years ago, and we still have the items that we created for one another and it’s a memory of that that special time before kids that we we were able to get out of the house and celebrate Valentine’s Day together and that way, but if you can’t get out of the house, maybe you do have kids, maybe a babysitter is too expensive for you. That’s okay. You can go to the art store. You could even go to the local grocery store. And get some poster board and markers and do something that really taps into the artistic side of you. Even though you might not feel like you’re artistic. It’s more about that creative expression. And that feeling of nostalgia, remembering how you used to color things when you were a kid and getting into that feeling of being carefree, not having judgment, on what you’re making, and just having fun with it. Another idea is to try out a live performance. This is also something we’ve done for Valentine’s Day, we went to a comedy show comedy is a great way to bond yourself to someone else and have a shared experience. But we’re so used to watching the movies where the characters can’t talk back, the characters can’t interact with you. You’re not really meant to talk to other people around you, but many live performances. That’s the point. You can actually you can actually connect with others out in the world. And you can have a shared experience that’s more interactive than the usual movie night. Speaking of getting out, you might want to try a game night. There are a lot of bars that offer game nights, either on Valentine’s Day or over the weekend. But you don’t have to go out you can do a game night at home, and some of my fondest memories are playing video games with my husband. Or you can play other kinds of games. You can even play games that
spice things up in the bedroom. What’s the last time that you played a game of truth or dare? Honestly, probably it’s been it’s been many years. But it can be really fun to do that with your partner or play. Never have I ever and you might learn something you never knew. There was a show that I hosted for a&e networks called a question of love. And this was actually inspired by the 36 questions that lead to love. And that was an article what was the study but then it became an article in New York Times. That said when strangers came together and ask these 36 questions, they felt like By the end of this session, they knew their partner, the stranger so intimately. They understood them, they cared for them. They were bonded to them. And so in the show that I hosted, they took couples and they thought, Well, what if if that happened with strangers? What would happen if two couples came if couples came together and ask these kind of deep and intimate questions of one another, and I won’t tell you the end if you can go in and rent it on Amazon, if you want to see the show. But I say this all to say that those 36 questions which you can find online, you can google and find them on the New York Times, try asking your partner some of these questions and you might discover something that you never knew about them. And my last tip, for those that are looking for a Valentine date, is to remember to give back so we always think about what do we need to do for us as the couple but you might get something out of doing doing a good thing. A good deed for another person. And there are so many people that are in need and so many causes that would be thrilled to have your time. And to have you as a couple work together to create more good in the world. And volunteering for something together can make you feel more bonded to your partner and make you feel like you have a shared goal of creating more good in the world. And remember, that’s really what Valentine’s Day is all about. It’s about sharing love. Yes, we’ve made it about the Valentine. We’ve made Valentine’s Day about romantic love. But it doesn’t have to be. It’s about feeling love, feeling loved. And one of the best ways to feel loved is to give love to another person. So why not try out a volunteer activity this Valentine’s Day in this weekend. Now, if you’re in the dating game, and you’ve given it your all, but you just haven’t made a connection yet, and you’re hearing all these data ideas and you’re like, that sounds great damona but I’m sitting here single and then Is this is doing nothing for me, then I just want to remind you not to give up. And if you’ve been listening to the show for a while, you know, I believe that love is out there for you and your dedication will pay off, just not always on the schedule that the greeting card companies have dictated. And actually when we look at it, there are a lot of positive factors to being single on February 14, they get overlooked quite a bit. So here are some of the benefits of being single on Valentine’s Day. First of all, you got to remember a penny saved is a penny earned. You know, I’ve mentioned earlier that a lot of the restaurants crank up their prices, they do these prefixed menus. You can’t get out of Valentine’s Day we’re less than 150 bucks today. And poor romantic schlubs like me will just plunk down the money, not even thinking about it. But really what you spend your money on your hard earned money is really important and Is it important to go out on Valentine’s Day and to have that date experience when everyone else is doing it? Does that say that you have love more than on other days of the year? I don’t necessarily think so. So you can just rejoice in the fact that you are saving money tonight. And maybe that could be enough for two days down the road, or that could even lead you to be able to invest in maybe a dating app, or maybe one of my dating programs, maybe even a Patreon program, save that money and invest in something that’s going to pay off for you long term. You also get to avoid that present panic, like February 12. I know my husband trips out every year, because he realizes that hasn’t gotten me anything. And that any gift he buys at that point, will just seem like a harried afterthought. So if you get her flowers, they’ll be dead by the end of the week you give her jewelry, then it’s too simple or she’ll be Disappointed or it’s too expensive and she’ll think that maybe it means something or maybe it means that diamond is coming, and it’s just buying Valentine’s gifts can be super, super stressful. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. So you are saving yourself the trouble and the cost of these kind of gifts.
Also, it’s cold outside, I did say we can get outside, but most places it’s quite cold. So for those of you that are having a terrible weather Valentine’s Day, just know you get to cozy up inside. You don’t have to worry about going out and that could be a good thing for some of you. Hey, y’all forget to keep your New Year’s resolution diet. The number one new year’s resolution is to lose weight. However, by this time of year, it’s also one of the most broken resolutions and without the pressure to eat all the Valentine’s Day candies and chocolates from your date. Which by the way, is the number one most purchased gift on the Today, you can stick to your tick stick to your diet plan and stay on track and you can be beach ready in a couple months. But what should you do with this day? Well, first, why not take a self love day? How often do we really do that? Do we take the time to focus on ourselves and do the things that make us feel fulfilled? We’re always bending over backwards to accommodate other people and to figure out what would make someone else want to be with us or what would they want to do or compromise and just take joy in the fact that you get to do whatever you want to do tonight and try and make that a special activity for you. Whatever it is, that brings you joy. Maybe you’re getting caught up on your Netflix queue. Maybe you take a relaxing hot bath, maybe you do some exercise, maybe you organize your your home and get clear on that clutter can really create chaos in your life. So maybe it’s even that and I know that Sounds unromantic for Valentine’s Day. But this is your day. You don’t have to do what the greeting card companies have told us we’re supposed to do, you don’t have to do. What marketing says is Valentine’s day you can do what makes you feel great. And also, don’t forget to focus on friends if you’re single Today we are so caught up in romantic love on February 14. But one love that can be even deeper is the deep love of friendship. And if you and your friends find yourself single on this day, why not come together and redefine the meaning of Valentine’s Day and give that love of friendship to one another today? You know, Valentine’s Day is often regarded as Singles Awareness Day sad if you ever heard this. But if you really take a moment, to relish in all of the benefits of flying solo this year, you can really go into Valentine’s Day feeling full, feeling fulfilled. feeling optimistic about what’s to come. There’s still 320 days left to this year to meet your soulmate. So tonight, just give yourself a break. Thank you for tuning into this special Valentine’s Day dates and mates episode. I hope you’re enjoying our five q FEHB series that we’re doing this month. We have an interview with Kelly Clarkson’s love coach Bella Gandhi coming up on Monday and that’s one that you will not want to miss. And if a tip from this episode sparked something in you, I would love to hear about it. You can message me on social media at damona Hoffman and I really encourage you to share this episode with a friend who may need to hear it. I look forward to connecting with you and supporting you in love on patreon@patreon.com slash dates and dates. And by the way, we also have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the lover or VIP level through the month of February. You’ll also get a free autographed copy of my book, but only if you sign up. Now. Before March 1, that’s a special benefit for the lover or VIP level. So you can go to patreon.com slash dates and mates to see which tier is right for you. And I look forward to supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community. As one of my friends with benefits. Happy Valentine’s Day and until Monday, I wish you happy dating