Dear Damona: Quarantine Love Questions

LOVE LOCKDOWN

For the past 2 months, my DMs have been flooded with your questions about love in the time of coronavirus. They have been coming in so fast that I’ve barely been able to keep up and of course the situation has been changing moment to moment.

So today’s special episode of Dates & Mates is 100% dedicated to answering your specific corona love questions.

So this week we’re answering some listener questions!

DEAR DAMONA

Damona answers listener questions about love and dating in this unprecedented time. She gives advice on: 

What to do when you’re engaged but have never spent this much time together? (4:45)

Hi Damona, this is Patty. I’m based in Atlanta, Georgia. And I just had a question for you. So I have been with my fiance for the past month almost three years, which is great. We’re actually supposed to get married this Summer but we’re going to have to reschedule. So that’s not fun. But the most interesting thing about these last six months weeks of working from home together. We just never spent that much time together before good thing is we still like each other. We still want to get married and we’ve not had too many major issues. But I just want to make sure that we’re taking care of each other and giving each other our space and I guess my real question is how do we make sure we don’t go and say nor into big fights and give each other space during this time because we love each other, but we just spending so much time together. So that’s my question.

How to keep moving towards marriage in a pandemic? (9:15)

Lockdown occurred 5 months into us dating. We FaceTime a lot and it’s going great! I want to define the relationship but the timing of this is a bit extreme since we haven’t seen each other in person in many weeks. How do I stay the course and keep the romantic relationship moving towards marriage coming out of a pandemic?

How do you break up during quarantine? (12:00)

How do you break up during this Quarantine? Or do you just let it ride till we are out of this?

When is it okay to move from sexting to sex in a pandemic? (14:20)

Is it ok to do an in-person date after getting tested negative for corona?

Can healthcare workers even date right now? (19:40)

I’m an RN and I’m volunteering to go to NYC to help the crisis. Being sent in a week. I should probably just assume I’m not gonna be dating anyone for a while considering I’ll still have a 2 week quarantine even after I’m done, right?

What are the best apps to meet right now? (21:35)

Now that all of us in America and Europe are stuck at home, what are the best apps or ways to virtually meet people around the world?

How not to lean too much on your partner for emotional support? (24:20)

What are fair expectations to have? What is the appropriate way to deal with not seeing your partner for like..months or potentially longer? I also feel like its so easy to put more emotional weight on your partner when you are more isolated from other friends/emotional supports and I want to know about ways to mitigate that impulse

How will coronavirus change dating forever? (27:40)

Do you think Coronavirus and confinement will change the way we date deeply? I believe being reminded collectively that we can all be sick and we will all die can push us towards more meaningful connections but is this naive?

DID YOU HEAR THE GOOD NEWS?

Do you want to hear more about Shannon and Mel’s Quarantine Love Success? Read all about it here! Shannon and her man give us the CUTEST quarantine date idea.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Unknown Speaker  0:00  

What does his text me so frustrated? He’s just not that into me. I’ve always been bad for attention. I’m ready for

Damona  0:12  

modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers. Welcome to dates in mates. You know for the past two months, my DMS have been flooded with questions about love in the time of Coronavirus. They have been coming in so fast and so furious that I’ve barely been able to keep up and of course the situation has been changing moment to moment. So today, we have a special deer damona episode that is 100% dedicated to answering your specific korona love questions before we get to tackling the challenges. I’d like to start off with a quarantine love success story from one of our listeners Shannon. after a breakup. She attended my 30 day dating playbook webinar in January and found love soon after. Here’s her story.

Unknown Speaker  1:06  

Normally I’m pretty picky about like distance. So I normally kind of do the whole five left like nope, nope, nope, too far no piece too short. Nope. I mean, I listened to your podcast and I was laughing like, that’s kind of me. I kind of go through that and don’t even really dig deeper because the superficial stuff. So this time around, I was like, Okay, I need to listen to the voice I’ve been hearing from damona. And so this guy pops up. So I messaged him and so we started chatting and just kind of hit it off and he’s lived an hour away. But I thought you know what he needed to be open minded to go for this. And instantly he was had great questions. He was interested in me he was like, if he remembered things he’d ask me a question and then you know, the next day he might remember what he asked me the day before and check in on me and just really was just all around proving to me quickly that he was pretty amazing. We went out on a Tuesday and We did the whole phone call first because I know that’s a big thing too. I was like, okay, gotta do the phone call before we leave here. So all this was like, right smack before, you know all the quarantine stuff. And so we had planned to see each other again on March 15. Our plan was I was going to go to where he lives and I was going to come and see him for the day. Well, that Friday was when they shut everything down. From then on. We’ve just had these like quarantine pipes at home, get to know you fast forward. No clutter, no people around kind of experience. And I know there’s probably a little bit of pros and cons with that. I think I’m typically kind of a fast relationship person, I need people and it kind of goes too fast and we get to know each other and the kids are involved in the families involved in a big ordeal. But this time, it went fast in a way that was just he and I like totally getting to know each other totally, you know Trying to figure out okay, well we’re gonna hang out for the next three days. What should we do? Like we can’t go anywhere. We can’t go to restaurants we can’t go to the movies like we can’t go to bars like we would typically do on a date. And so you know, we went on hike, and we took the dog for a walk and we ordered food in and we played cars, we played dominoes, we put a puzzle together and we cook together I bought a smashing little aprons and we cook together. And we were just kind of doing what we could do is what we had. And in the meantime, when we weren’t seeing each other, it was kind of funny because I have it on my phone. So we have this whole list in our in our notes on our phone that we’ve shared, of all the things we want to do when everything opens up because we’ve now said I love you. We’ve now like fully committed to each other and all of a sudden is debt. But yet I’ve never been to the movie with him. I’ve never been really in a bar with him. We haven’t done any Have those traditional things that you would do? Yeah, it’s been pretty interesting. And we’ve spent the time away from each other really digging deep and getting to know each other and like there’s definitely been a lot of God signs where we are things that just prove that okay, maybe maybe this is the one I’ve finally been waiting for.

Damona  4:15  

Shannon also told us about an adorable quarantine date that they had. You can listen to it and see pictures of Shannon and her man on the blog at dates and mates calm. If you need a sweet date idea or you’re craving a romantic story. This is it my friends, check it out at dates and maids calm. Hopefully you find Shannon’s story as inspiring as I do. I want that same happy ending for you too. But I know you have a lot of questions right now. So it’s time to get to the heart of the matter and see what’s on your mind.

Unknown Speaker  4:48  

Hi, Damona This is Patti. I’m based in Atlanta, Georgia, and I just had a question for you. So I have been with my fiance for the past. almost three years, which is great. We’re actually supposed to get married this summer, but we’re gonna have to reschedule. So that’s not fun. But the most interesting thing about these last six weeks of working from home together, is we just never spent that much time together before. Good thing is we still like each other, we still want to get married. And we’ve not had too many major issues. But I just want to make sure that we’re taking care of each other and giving each other space. And I guess my real question is, how do we make sure we don’t go insane or get into big fights? And give each other space during this time? Because we love each other, but we just spending so much time together.

Damona  5:44  

Patti, first of all, I want to say congratulations on your marriage, your upcoming marriage. And also, I’m really sorry, there are so many big life events that are being canceled right now. And it does require us to take some time. to mourn that loss like so I’m sure that that is an element that is also affecting the interactions with your partner right now. So maybe just even give yourselves this time if you haven’t talked about it, to really let your feelings out over the fact that you can’t have the wedding that you wanted to have right now. Now, that aside, this is a great opportunity for you, you’re actually getting to work through a lot of the challenges that many couples don’t face until much further down the road. And you’re getting to see what that really is like in the worst case scenario. And I promise you, marriage is not as hard as quarantine relationships will be. I love that you said, you want to make sure that you’re taking care of each other. That is such a key fundamental thing to develop in a relationship to feel that you almost want more for the other person than you want for yourself. I’m not saying give everything away. That’s also not healthy, but I always try Try to think of the other person and how I can meet their needs first, and then hopefully, if you are with the right partner and it sounds like you are, that person will be doing the same for you. And if you’re both taking care of each other, then both of your needs are getting met. Now, in terms of conflict resolution, you want to make sure that you are focusing on listening, listening, listening, listening. And again, thinking of it from the other person’s perspective, especially in the time of quarantine, keeping in mind that he may be just feeling that pressure of finances, that’s also a big thing for men, making sure that they can provide and take care of you. Of course, ladies, we got our own stuff, but that’s still something that’s intrinsic in the way that men are brought up. So this is probably a very scary time for him as well. So make sure that you are sensitive to that and keeping that filter on everything. He’s saying to you, and then it’s really important that couples have their own space, their own physical space, or a process to help you recharge, so that you are coming to your partner with the best possible you. It’s also great if you can set up a schedule, like you would have had, when you were out of quarantine, you weren’t together all day, every day you were working, you were doing other things. Make sure you have that schedule still. And that you have times that you come back together. I talked on the show before about the importance of quarantine date nights, have that time where you can look forward to being together again. And then the time in between that that you are separated even if you’re in the same room. I love my apple EarPods Pro, they’re not paying me to say this but they have really amazing noise cancelling function where you can just block everything out focus on what you have to do and then when you are ready to focus on your partner. You can Focus on each other. And I really, really hope that you have the wedding that you dream of, maybe it’s not going to be this summer, but that you are really able to celebrate your love the way that you want to do it when the time is right.

Our next question came to us. In an email this person says locked down occurred five months into us dating, we facetimed a lot and it’s going great. I want to define the relationship at the timing of this is a bit extreme. Since we haven’t seen each other in person in many weeks. How do I stay the course and keep the romantic relationship moving towards marriage coming out of a pandemic? Hold on a second moving towards marriage. You’ve been dating five months and I know there are many relationships that are very successful after only dating a few weeks or months. But let’s not put the cart before the horse you had five months of dating and now you’ve had at least two months separation. So let’s just put the big M word aside for a minute, that may not be the path that we’re on and that is okay. It’s okay not to know. This is something that I really help my clients develop in my one on one coaching program, the comfortability with discomfort, right? Getting to be okay with not having the answers, not knowing where something is headed at every point. And you’ve heard me say this on the show before, as well. Being okay being in the moment and letting things unfold. We’ve kind of lost the sense of mystery. And a lot of times people think because I talk about dating, planning, and having a strategy for dating, that you should know every single thing that’s going to unfold for you know, we’re still dealing with people, we’re still dealing with emotions. We’re also in a pandemic, we’re dealing with an ever changing situation. So just let that sink in for a moment. And let’s just look at where you are right now. How can you be more connected virtually? Can you do some, some scheduled virtual dates? Can you send each other gifts across the miles? Can you create some sort of a ritual that reminds each other what you had when you were together two months ago? And then maybe you can make some plans about what you’d like to do together when all of this is over. But let’s not put too much pressure on the moment right now, because depending on where you are, this could be going on for a lot longer. And you don’t know this person may have changed during the pandemic, you may have changed. So try to release the expectation if you can. This question was sent to us from a listener in La

Unknown Speaker  12:02  

damona helped me with this whole quarantine? Is it okay to break up with somebody during the Korean team? And if so, do we do it on the phone? Can I FaceTime? Can I just send a text? Or do we have to wait until this is all over before we can break up with somebody they keep making plans for when we get out of this, I don’t want to be with them.

Damona  12:22  

Here’s the deal. We have a responsibility to find our best possible partner, the person that is going to make you the most happy. So by staying in a relationship that’s not right for you, you’re you’re actually blocking two people from their relationship destiny, you’re doing yourself a disservice and you’re doing that other person as a disservice. And I know we’re in a time where isolation feels really scary. And it feels really heavy because we’ve been in it for a while. So you may be thinking, should I just stay in this because it’s convenient because I have this person here or because it’s awkward to end things when we are not in the same space. But ultimately, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to take care of our emotional well being. And if being in a relationship with this person is dragging you down, that’s the last thing that you need added onto your plate when we have so much else that we are sorting through. So I would say if you can flip it in your mind and not think of it as like crushing this person, soul, but think about it as liberating that person and liberating yourself that will help you approach this person with compassion. When you do end it. Now, a breakup text, never, never The best way to handle it. But ideally, you want to do it with the most possible connection. So that may be a phone call, that may be a video call, that may even be a distance meeting. Now that’s going to be kind of hard in this particular situation, but if you can just visualize Eyes, the best possible option for yourself and then find a time to connect with that person not when they’re on the go not when they’re in the middle of work, but when you can have some dedicated time to let them know how much they have meant to you and what they’ve given to you. But to then release them to be able to find their best match so that you can do that too. So we have two questions that are similar that have come to us from Instagram asks, Is it okay to do an in person date after getting tested negative for Corona? and Jordan says when is it okay to move from sexting to sex in a pandemic, asking for all my friends, depending on where you are, I highly recommend getting tested. I’m here in Los Angeles where testing is free for all residents. So if you have that, take advantage of it. I do recommend that once you get tested that your partner also gets tested this is like the new STI actually research shows that Corona virus is actually active in the sperm of people who have the virus. So it is an STI technically, we don’t know how that may transmit sexually, okay. So, we have to also consider if you are having sex with someone, it may pass through sperm, it may also pass through saliva, it may you going to be touching faces potentially I, there’s just a lot of risk. So you have to protect yourself and protect the other person. But just like with STI s, I think you can say I’ve gotten tested, have you and I’d love to be intimate with you. But I want to make sure we’re both being safe. That can get you from sexting to sex in a pandemic, but I think this is a time to not take connections lightly because it literally can be life or death is sex with this person worth your life. You have to make that decision. But a lot of people aren’t taking this as seriously as it truly is. I would say try to save it if you can. May is also masturbation month. We haven’t talked about that much on the show but hey, it’s it’s good timing. Let’s move on. Now that we have crossed the barrier into some racier topics, we’re going to take a little break. But before we go, I have one more quarantine love success story. This one comes to us from a listener named Mel.

Unknown Speaker  16:33  

I started listening to a date to me it’s about a year ago and started intentionally dating and then damona sent me information on how to polish my profile. then a month later, I met this great guy. We been together now for over three months and it’s going really well. quarantine definitely slowed down our relationship but definitely in a good way, because it really got us thinking, just creative ways to keep the relationship going. Because we both knew we were still interested in each other. We played games with each other like audio, and video dates. We also like, talked about different date ideas like ordering each other, like takeout food. And watching in a movie together, we’ve made lists about movies that he’s seen that I haven’t and movies that I’ve seen that he hasn’t. So we were we got really creative with dates. For us, it’s worked out really great, because we feel so much closer and so much more comfortable with each other then, either one of us expected to at this point in our relationship And to be honest, if we hadn’t had all that time, like apart, and like forced into like, so many situations where like we have to talk and really make effort for a relationship, we probably wouldn’t be meeting each other’s parents. We keep talking about actually how it feels like we’ve been dating longer than we actually have, but in a good way.

Damona  18:23  

If you are in the Patreon Friends with Benefits Program, you may have seen my secret training video which was just posted with Susan ibex the face reader in it. I did a profile Polish for Mel. And y’all you have to see it. It left her speechless. We also told her how to look for the right matches online just based on their facial features. Apparently, she took the advice to heart and it worked for her, it could work for you too. If you’re not part of the Patreon Friends with Benefits community. I’d love for you to have access to all of them. bonus content, the Facebook community, plus a discount on all of my online programs, you can join for as little as $5 a month, or for $100. You can get a profile Polish from me just like Mel did. You can see what’s inside the club@patreon.com slash dates and mates. And hopefully we will hear your success story on a future episode. Again, that’s patreon.com slash dates and mates do check the show notes for the link. More questions from you in just a moment. Stick around. We’re back. You asked, I answered. And there’s more dear damona This one is a DM on Twitter from Rio. Rio says I’m an RN and I’m volunteering to go to NYC to help the crisis being sent in a week. I should probably just assume I’m not going to be dating anyone for a while considering I still have a two week quarantine even After I’m done, right? Rio is 100%. Right? In this particular situation, I’m all for like, all dating all the time, right? I think it’s all great practice. But you also have to keep in mind, the mental state that you’re in, and the other things that are priorities in your life. Right now like, what, what if you did madly fall in love with someone, and then you cannot talk to them? I’m sure you’re going to be working 12 plus hour shifts, and you’re going to be tied up for at least a few weeks, and then maybe a few more weeks. So is this the right time to potentially embark on your life changing love? Maybe not. Maybe this is a better time while you have this week to yourself to do some self work to do some mental health preparation because I’m sure it’s going to be rough like you’re going into battle Rio, and thank you by the way Thank you for serving the community in New York and all of the people that are suffering from this virus we need you. So we want you to be the healthiest you can be to be at your best self. And we know you know, from listening to prior episodes, that love is like your brain on drugs. And you need to have your brain 100% in the in the game. So even though I’m all dating all the time, I think this is the time for you to focus on you. And to get your get your mind right to get your heart right, and to get ready to serve. This question comes to us from joy from LA give it a listen.

Unknown Speaker  21:40  

This is joy from LA and I want to know, now that all of us in America and Europe are stuck at home, what are the best apps or ways to virtually meet people around the world?

Damona  21:53  

This is literally one of the most asked questions that I get. So I’m not going to sound like a broken record, but I’m just gonna To remind you that apps are specific to each person finding the right app is as important as finding the right person. You have to sample and each city has a different app that’s really hot there. So you have to figure out what’s the right app for your city. What’s the right app for you. You’ll look at the functionality, the matches, you’ll also look at the response rates that you’re getting, you want to split test. I’m going to get really dating expert nerdy right now, you’re going to be on two different apps. And you’re going to have a substantially similar profile on both apps, same pictures, similar text, obviously, each app has a bio like about me. And then some of them have different ways that they put other information in or lack of information, no comment on which app that is. You talk about America and Europe. I want to just remind you that now we have a really exciting opportunity that you’re dating pool has expanded beyond just your local community. And, you know, the sad little five mile radius that most people have been doing to the entire world, what a great time to actually be able to date internationally. Because there’s no risk, you won’t be able to meet in person for a while and you can practice your dating skills, and maybe find somebody that’s going to be a great emotional support through this pandemic, and possibly a very exciting international love in terms of ways to virtually meet around the world. I have been hearing about virtual speed dating, I think that’s a really fun idea. You can also look for Facebook communities and online communities that are around a particular interest that you have and see who you might be able to chat with there. I’m telling you, like Instagram is poppin in terms of a it’s a dating app, and people are searching hashtags and finding new friends that way. So I encourage you to like Look through the the accounts that you like, or even on Twitter, look through threads that are interesting to you. And you can begin a conversation with someone virtually that way. And just look at this as an interesting experiment, and the time that we have during this pandemic, to date a little bit differently and see how it might affect your dating life. Lucy sent us this question. She says what are fair expectations to have? What is the appropriate way to deal with not seeing your partner for like months or potentially longer. I also feel like it’s so easy to put more emotional weight on your partner when you are more isolated from other friends and emotional supports. And I want to know about ways to mitigate that impulse. Lucy, thank you so much for highlighting this. I talked about this a little bit on NPR. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders and life kit, but it’s very dangerous for you to put all of the weight on your partner to be here. Everything. And yes, that is the impulse right now because we don’t have our friend circle. We don’t have our family. I just want to like give my mama hug. And I can’t even do that, right? But what can you do? Instead of looking at what you can’t do, let’s look at what is available to you. You can still do video chats with your friends or even just phone calls. You can write letters to people, which like when was the last time you wrote letters, you can journal and get your feelings out in that way. You can do meditation, yoga, virtual workouts like I am rolling deep in my one peloton, community and I feel I literally I did my hundredth peloton ride this week, and I literally bawled for like five minutes of it. Because I saw I had so many high fives from these people that I didn’t even know that were so happy for me. I’m almost going to cry again. Right now you guys, there are so happy for me that I made it to 100 rides, and I didn’t even know them. And then I posted about it in the, in the peloton, community. And more people commented and gave me more virtual high fives. So it’s easy to look at it like we are alone and we’re isolated. But it’s amazing if you just step out a little bit and you just reach out how much of a community really is out there to support you. Remember that you have to still make connecting, feel special, make it feel special again. So even if you can’t see each other, you want to continue to send Good morning texts and remind each other that you’re thinking of one another. You want to still find ways to connect virtually maybe it’s on the phone, maybe it’s video chat. Maybe it’s social distance I’ve been to I mean maybe I’m gonna get arrested by the LAPD. I don’t know. I’ve been doing Social distance, wind dates with my girlfriends, we sit six feet apart, outdoors. And we hang and it feels like old times, we’re just a little further apart. And we’re just a little bit in the element. So you bring a blanket and you keep it cute. We don’t have to let this pandemic make us feel limited. We can look for other ways that we can explore different kinds of relationships and different ways to connect. And we don’t know we don’t have the answers. We don’t know how long this is going to go on for. So let this be an opportunity to get to know your partner in a different way.

Our last question came to me from an Instagram dm this comes from Judith all the way from France. Hello Judith. I don’t speak any French. So I was gonna try and be cute and say like something in French but I can’t. But hopefully you can understand me if You wrote into the show in English, you understand what I’m about to say. So Judith asks, do you think Coronavirus and confinement will change the way we date deeply? I believe being reminded collectively that we can all be sick, and we will all die can push us towards more meaningful connections. But is this naive? naive girlfriend, you just said we will all die. You went all the way there. Maybe it’s a French thing? I don’t know. But let’s take that apart out. Like Yes, we are reminded of our own mortality. I think more people are afraid of the sickness right now. But I don’t know that it’s really ultimately going to change dating. So will it remind us that we need to make more meaningful connections? Will it cause more meaningful connections? I believe so. In the short term, I what I’m seeing right now is that people are fatiguing of the multiple multiple dates in a week or in a weekend that we used to have. And I think this is because you don’t know where it’s going. And so it was easy to just do a one off day we’ll just meet for coffee or drinks before the pandemic. But now, getting to know someone may be like a nightly FaceTime commitment. And a lot of people aren’t really up for that if they are not sure that somebody is going to be the one. So I’m seeing that people are spending more time getting to know fewer people, rather than treating everyone as if they’re disposable and looking for the next best thing. And I think that that is a great thing because it’s teaching us a valuable skill. Now, ultimately, I do think the speed of dating is going to increase. But my hope is that yes, we will be able to listen a little bit better. We’ll be able to stay in the moment more we’ll be able to evaluate our matches more thoroughly before we just run out to the bar and grab a drink with someone that We haven’t really gotten to know anything about. But ultimately, it’s up to you all. It’s up to you, Judith, it’s up to everyone that’s listening right now. If you want to see a change in the culture, if you you hated that swipe, swipe, swipe date, date, sex sex sex system that we were in, then why don’t you be the change that you wish to see in the world? That’s it for today’s episode. Thanks for joining me for dear Dimona, it’s Episode 310. If you have a question that didn’t make it on this show, and you want to hear it answered on a future episode, don’t be shy. You can DM me at damona Hoffman on all the socials or send me a voicemail or email and my voicemail numbers 424-246-6255 email Dimona at damona Hoffman comm I’ll put all that good stuff in the show notes. But if you are ready if you’ve been a Inspired by something that I said today, and you’re ready to dive in and have something, some of those more meaningful connections, I have my 30 day dating playbook program that’s here for you when you’re ready to get back to the new normal and get back into action. And it can work for virtual dates, it can work for offline data, wherever you are, it’s there for you at 30 day, dating.com, three, zero, day dating.com. And for those of you who are just exploring the idea, or if you’ve been listening for a while, and you just want to expand your relationship with me, let’s change our relationship status. And you can join that Patreon community@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. It’s just five bucks y’all. So if you love the show, support us, why not we can keep making more dates and mates. You can keep getting your love advice, and it’s just five bucks a month. And you can also get the full profile Polish for me if you want something that’s a little more bespoke, that’s at the hundred dollar level and you can emerge From this quarantine into the beautiful dating butterfly that you were meant to be, like clockwork We will be back again bright and early next Monday with a rather unorthodox proposal story that you simply have to hear. Until next week. I wish you good health and happy dating

Dates & Mates Success Stories: Finding Love in Quarantine

DATES & MATES SUCCESS STORY

This year, both Shannon and Mel completed some of my programs and were able to find their dream relationships. In Shannon’s own words: 

“Normally I’m pretty picky about like distance. So I normally kind of do the whole five left like nope, nope, nope, too far no piece too short. Nope. I mean, I listened to your podcast and I was laughing like, that’s kind of me. I kind of go through that and don’t even really dig deeper because the superficial stuff. So this time around, I was like, Okay, I need to listen to the voice I’ve been hearing from damona. And so this guy pops up. So I messaged him and so we started chatting and just kind of hit it off and he’s lived an hour away. But I thought you know what he needed to be open minded to go for this. And instantly he was had great questions. He was interested in me he was like, if he remembered things he’d ask me a question and then you know, the next day he might remember what he asked me the day before and check in on me and just really was just all around proving to me quickly that he was pretty amazing. We went out on a Tuesday and We did the whole phone call first because I know that’s a big thing too. I was like, okay, gotta do the phone call before we leave here. So all this was like, right smack before, you know all the quarantine stuff. And so we had planned to see each other again on March 15. Our plan was I was going to go to where he lives and I was going to come and see him for the day. Well, that Friday was when they shut everything down. From then on. We’ve just had these like quarantine pipes at home, get to know you fast forward. No clutter, no people around kind of experience. And I know there’s probably a little bit of pros and cons with that. I think I’m typically kind of a fast relationship person, I need people and it kind of goes too fast and we get to know each other and the kids are involved in the families involved in a big ordeal. But this time, it went fast in a way that was just he and I like totally getting to know each other totally, you know Trying to figure out okay, well we’re gonna hang out for the next three days. What should we do? Like we can’t go anywhere. We can’t go to restaurants we can’t go to the movies like we can’t go to bars like we would typically do on a date. And so you know, we went on hike, and we took the dog for a walk and we ordered food in and we played cars, we played dominoes, we put a puzzle together and we cook together I bought a smashing little aprons and we cook together. And we were just kind of doing what we could do is what we had. And in the meantime, when we weren’t seeing each other, it was kind of funny because I have it on my phone. So we have this whole list in our in our notes on our phone that we’ve shared, of all the things we want to do when everything opens up because we’ve now said I love you. We’ve now like fully committed to each other and all of a sudden is debt. But yet I’ve never been to the movie with him. I’ve never been really in a bar with him. We haven’t done any Have those traditional things that you would do? Yeah, it’s been pretty interesting. And we’ve spent the time away from each other really digging deep and getting to know each other and like there’s definitely been a lot of God signs where we are things that just prove that okay, maybe maybe this is the one I’ve finally been waiting for.”

Shannon also shared with us the perfect quarantine date she had with her man. You should ABSOLUTELY steal this idea:

Dates & Mates Success Story from Damona on Vimeo.

Here are a few more picture that she sent us of her special night!

Mel received a profile polish (You can too! By joining the Patreon Friends with Benefits program at the $100 level!). Soon after, she saw amazing results and found love. Here’s Mel’s story in her own words:

I started listening to Dates & Mates about a year ago and started intentionally dating and then damona sent me information on how to polish my profile. Then a month later, I met this great guy. We been together now for over three months and it’s going really well. quarantine definitely slowed down our relationship but definitely in a good way, because it really got us thinking, just creative ways to keep the relationship going. Because we both knew we were still interested in each other. We played games with each other like audio, and video dates. We also like, talked about different date ideas like ordering each other, like takeout food. And watching in a movie together, we’ve made lists about movies that he’s seen that I haven’t and movies that I’ve seen that he hasn’t. So we were we got really creative with dates. For us, it’s worked out really great, because we feel so much closer and so much more comfortable with each other then, either one of us expected to at this point in our relationship And to be honest, if we hadn’t had all that time, like apart, and like forced into like, so many situations where like we have to talk and really make effort for a relationship, we probably wouldn’t be meeting each other’s parents. We keep talking about actually how it feels like we’ve been dating longer than we actually have, but in a good way.

If you’re interested in the resources that helped Shannon and Mel find love, maybe it’s time we changed our relationship status.  

You are invited to become a Friend with Benefits. This exclusive program includes bonus content from the show, secret training sessions, voting power to influence future episodes, a private online community, and more. JOIN NOW!

Self Care & Sensuality

ARE YOU BEING LOVED THE RIGHT WAY?

The foundation for every great relationship is understanding. Understanding how to love and how to be loved.

On today’s episode of the Dates & Mates podcast, my guest Allana Pratt – intimacy coach and host of the “Intimate Conversations” Podcast – shows us the upside to the isolation we are all experiencing right now.

Now is the time for self-discovery. And by self-discovery, we mean truly understanding how you would like your partner to show you love.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines! 

DATING DISH (3:01)

Are 50 Cent and Jamira Haines #RelationshipGoals?

Here’s a curveball: 50 Cent is making vision boards with his girlfriend. Apparently, for 30 Days they sent each other pictures of things that they wanted and then discussed. Damona explains exactly why you should be doing this with your boo.

via GIPHY

A scary social campaign sweeping North Africa

Sofia Taloni, a trans influencer from Morocco, is encouraging her followers to catfish and out gay men. Not only is this extremely unethical, it’s dangerous. Damona explains and breaks down what it means for us.

Damona’s NPR Relationship Tips

In case you missed it, Damona was on “It’s Been A Minute with Sam Sanders” on NPR. She gives you all the behind the scenes info that was cut from the final episode.

HOW DO YOU LIKE TO BE LOVED? (16:00)

We’re not just talking love languages here. Today, we show you how to get into the nitty-gritty details of your love language.

via GIPHY

 

For Allana, physical touch and cuddling are a big way to demonstrate affection. BUT it wasn’t until her boyfriend one day held her face in a very specific way did she truly understand that she felt loved.

Not only does Allana give us a game plan for achieving some much-needed self-understanding, we also discuss

  • Self Care tips for isolated singles
  • Relationship maintenance for those in close quarters with their partners
  • And how to keep it sexy when you can’t quarantine with your boo

This episode has such deep and meaningful lessons for everyone. Trust me, Allana does not disappoint.

If you’re as amazed by Allana as we are, you should check out all her resources at AllanaPratt.com!

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email from Chatrice: I feel like guys are only on the apps because of “BoreRona” (boredom caused by corona). I know this is true because my FaceTime requests are being breezed over and the slight mention of a post-Rona date sends them into a frenzy. Should I just hit pause on my dating goals and go with the flow or do I cut these bored guys off and keep it moving?
  • J from IG: How do I deal with abandonment issues in a relationship?

 

 

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

 

 

 

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.

Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for: 

  • an opportunity to work with Damona directly
  • to get quality advice that is tailored to your dating challenges
  • and to become part of a community that will help you find the healthiest, most loving relationships this year

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, welcome to Dates & Mates!

 

Damona  0:21  

one of the biggest issues in dating and relationships is intimacy. Whether you’re trying to find love virtually right now and you’re not getting enough of it, or you’re quarantine with your loved one, and maybe you’re getting too much of it. We are all struggling right now, as always, but especially in this crazy COVID world. intimacy and sex are a part of healthy relationships. But we’re not always clear on how to build and maintain intimacy in a healthy way.

 

Unknown Speaker  0:51  

So today,

 

Damona  0:52  

we are once and for all going to get clear on the intimacy timeline with one of the top experts in this field. Dr. Emily Morse of the sex with Emily podcast. I’ve listened to her show for years and now I’m delighted to welcome her finally to dates and mates. But before you get all hot and bothered, we have headlines including will dating be forever changed by COVID-19? And could jayda and Will’s relationship be in trouble plus the safest places to get your free guide on during the pandemic shutdown? And then in technically dating Emily and I will answer your questions like what to do if you and your partner have different sexual needs and how to deal with insecurities in the bedroom. All that and more on today’s very hot dates and maids This one is definitely not one to listen to in the room with the kiddos. Explicit warning, I’m saying it now it’s going to be hot but you’re going to want to hear everything that Emily and I talked about. You ready For the dates in mates,

 

Unknown Speaker  2:02  

let’s dish these dating dish.

 

Damona  2:07  

According to time dating will be permanently changed by COVID-19. A lot of people have been asking my opinion on this from NPR, you may have heard me do a couple of segments in the last few weeks. You may have read in my new column in the LA Times about this. There are a lot of people speculating about what this will mean for intimacy. So let me just take a snapshot of where I think we are right now. And I can make a guess about where I think it will go. And I’ll also tell you what some of the other experts that time interviewed said, and you can make your own determination about what you think will happen when quarantine opens up and people are able to return to some sense of normalcy. So now we’re in this place where just speaking of dating specifically, people are unable to meet face to face. So I’m hearing a couple of different things I’m hearing there are a lot of people that are really excited by the ability to make new connections without all that pressure. So many of my listeners have been timid about online dating. Well, you know, I’ve always been very bullish about it. But part of the reason is that, that awkwardness of moving offline and into the real world so it’s allowed a lot of new people to step into the space and play in the dating space and the chat space in the flirtation space and see if this could be a good avenue for them to date. So I think dating apps will continue to be on the rise. They’ve already all said that they are having a huge increase in new users and new chats, but we don’t we don’t know what that will look like when there are other avenues available for dating but I do believe it will consistently be up. Now people are having to do virtual dates, and be really clever with quarantine dates and what I love about This is that it’s causing people to be a little more mindful to slow down and also to be more creative and really get to know one another people have been obsessed we talked about love is blind on the show a few weeks ago, people have been obsessed with this idea of finding love without the confusion, I guess of what someone looks like and, and the visual seeing them face to face. But we all know like not every couple made it on love is blind. I’m not saying any spoilers or anything, but not every couple makes it. And so there’s this almost fantasy playing out where people are thinking that this is going to be the answer to unlock all of these problems in dating, that dating timelines are going to slow which you’ve heard me say on the show before and that people are going to become more mindful of who they’re having sex with the thought we talked about the other Netflix show too hot to handle recently. As well, what I think is really going to happen is that it’s, it’s we’re going to return to how it was before but we are going to have new filters in place. Like being able to do that video chat and having it not be weird. I that’s the biggest thing that I think will come away from COVID-19. With as far as dating is concerned, a lot of things that we once thought were weird, are no longer going to be weird video chat dating is not going to be weird. calling someone on the phone who you’ve never met is no longer going to be weird. It’s going to be normal again, like it once was. So I think this is a really great time, but we’re going to go through a little bit of an ebb and flow. They interviewed one of my favorite experts for this time magazine article, Helen Fisher, and she is a she’s a social scientist. She works at the Kinsey Institute. She’s studied the brain on love, and she says that thirst and hunger are not going to do And therefore, neither are the feelings of love and attachment that allow you to pass your DNA on to the next generation. So that’s what we have to remember. Like, I can get all intellectual about dating and dating plans and processes. But when it comes down to it, that drive for procreation and that drive for connection is the strongest thing in the world. That is, that is what drives everything, because we are wired to keep the human race going. And that is not going away just because of COVID-19. So there’s a lot of talk of people abstaining from sex, there was this government. I think it was a New York City slogan about you are your own safest sex partner right now, which is true and which has always been true, but people aren’t just going to forget about having sex or having connection because we had COVID-19. I think what we’re going to see if I can predict for a moment is that once the restrictions are lifted, There are going to be a couple of weird moments, like a first dance at prom, where people are like, I don’t want to be the first one to get out there and hit the dance floor like I don’t want to look weird or be the first one to make a fool of myself. So people are a little shy to enter the dance floor. And then a couple of brave people jump in, and everybody’s like, oh, there, you look cool, that looks fine. I want to do that too. And then everybody is on the dance floor, and then all of a sudden, the dance floor is gonna get really crowded. And people are going to realize that there is a risk right now in dating and making connections with people in holding hands kissing, touching other things that we’ll talk about later in the show. And I think there’s going to be a little bit of a balancing and a retraction where people are going to slow down again, and that’s where I hope we will land in this sweet spot of love and relationships. So check out this article. I’ll put it in the show notes. There was also a mention of really interesting experiment that they’re doing at you Pan. That’s sort of a love Love is blind inspired experiment where they’re trying to help people fall in love over email. During quarantine. I can’t wait to see what the results of that study are. I’m sure we will cover it on dates and mates but it is making me believe in love again. You know one couple that is love goals for life. Everybody has known of the romance between Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. And we all look to them. We see red Table Talk and we see them out together and we’re like, they’re the perfect couple. They’ve got it all. They’ve got it all. But on read Table Talk recently jayda revealed that being in quarantine has made her realize that she and will don’t really know each other anymore. They’ve grown apart to some extent and they’ve been together over 20 years. And there is this lull in the relationship where you start to almost take your partner for granted and then you look at them and you think oh How could you take your partner for granted? This is Will Smith or how could you take jayda Pinkett Smith they’re both so amazing in their own right. But I love in the show how real jayda makes the issues that she’s going through and how grounded they are to make you realize that even though we idealize their relationship, and she is saying she was even idealizing, who her partner was, we can learn so much by hearing her honest take on what’s going on. And she’s saying that in this time, it’s also an opportunity. If you’re in a relationship right now, it’s an opportunity to get to know your partner again, on a deeper level. I’ve been doing like 20 questions and playing all these fun games with my husband, and really getting to see a different side of him. I don’t feel like it’s quite at the level of what Jayla said like I don’t know him at all. But I do feel like I have learned things that maybe if we hadn’t had that time to really slow down and really bond together that I may not have taken the time to stop and ask some of these questions that I’ve had answered. So this is a great reminder for us to not be complacent in marriage or in relationships and to always try to find that spark and that ability to be curious. You know, I’m always talking about that with dating, right. Be curious about your partner. And I think that is the silver lining on all of this, not just for jayda and will but for us as well.

 

Turns out, a lot of people may not be satisfied in their relationships right now because according to adult friend finder, they are seeing a big surge in new users. And this is a casual dating and camping site. So actually all of the so called cheating sites are seeing a big surge and That’s a lot of people trying to escape the reality like it’s intense in there. It’s intense when you are 24 seven with somebody that you, you maybe you really have strong feelings for them or maybe you have been growing apart for a while. And this intensity is just the thing to drive the wedge between you and where you’re seeking, seeking fulfillment from other sources. But here’s the thing on Adult friend finder, they also are helping people move into like virtual sec situations. And they had to launch a new platform called Virgie. I didn’t make it that name, y’all. It’s a platform that provides a safe environment for people looking to explore orgies during COVID-19. So some of these people may be in relationships. Some may be single, but a lot of these common video chat sites that We use like zoom, did you know this, like you cannot have relations on zoom, and not that they’re peeking in on everybody’s video chats, but there is an element of them monitoring what’s happening. And so these virtual sex parties could no longer happen on zoom, and they had to find another avenue for allowing the people that come to their site to be able to do the things that they want to do. So this is just to remind you that there’s something out there for everyone and whatever your need is right now, whether it’s an emotional or an intimate need or simply a sexual need. There’s no shame in the game y’all. You can find what you’re looking for. Online. The Google machine has made anything that you want possible and animation to you at the click of a button. So I encourage you to go out there and find what you’re looking for speaking of finding what you’re looking for getting your needs met, and let’s face it speaking of sex, we have a very hot guest for you today. As I mentioned at the top of the show, one of my inspirations Dr. Emily Morse will be joining me in just a moment, she’s going to tell us everything we need to know about building intimacy from first time sex and consent, all the way to reigniting the passion in a long term relationship. So if you’ve ever asked after what date Should I sleep with him? Does this sex mean the same thing to her as it means to me? am I even doing this right? Then this is the episode for you don’t go anywhere. Dr. Emily Morris is coming up in just

 

Unknown Speaker  13:49  

a moment.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:57  

We are back and I am here

 

Damona  13:59  

with the One and only Dr. Emily Morris. She has a PhD of human sexuality and she is the powerhouse behind one of my favorite podcasts sex with Emily. Please, please, please put your lips together give big smooches to Dr. Emily Morris. Hello.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:19  

Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be here.

 

Damona  14:22  

I am so glad to have you here. People have questions and like, I can only take them so far. But you can take them all the way. Emily, wave ready to go. And I will just talk first about your mission with sex with Emily. You talk about make wanting to make sex. Easy to talk about and yeah, so it’s so listable and like topics that a lot of people are sort of

 

Unknown Speaker  14:45  

sensitive about

 

Damona  14:47  

you make it just you just bring down the walls and make it so simple.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:51  

Exactly. I mean, that’s my main mission is because most of us are not comfortable talking about sex because we don’t have any great models for it. Our parents weren’t Talking about it most likely our friends weren’t talking about it. We have a lot of shame around it. We think love is good girls don’t talk about sex and and you know, then what is it? What What message Am I sending if I talk about sex, so there’s just, there’s just a way that I want people to feel more, you know,

 

Damona  15:18  

take away the shame and the and the stigma around it and just make it comfortable. Because really, when we’re sexually healthy, we’re healthy overall, it contributes to a healthy lifestyle overall. So I just try to get people to understand that that’s, it’s something that we need to do to have an overall healthy life get comfortable talking about sex, and then that actually improves our sex life. Absolutely. And so many of our listeners realize that it’s an important part of a relationship and many of them are single right now and wishing for that right relationship. So I want to talk a little bit about building intimacy through the different phases. Let’s begin at the beginning with the people that are just starting like let’s say COVID aside, quarantine aside, they are just beginning new relationships and beginning to be intimate one.

 

Unknown Speaker  16:04  

So this there are actually like for some say it’s five, there’s about four stages of intimacy that we talked about in relationships. And the first one is the infatuation phase. This is the honeymoon phase, the phase that we all crave. And we want to we always, are always trying to get back to this phase. And this is when we first meet someone and we just think, Wow, this person is so perfect for me. everything lines up. It’s like, like, we’re so alike. It’s sort of the infatuation stage and the kind of the diffusion stage. And it’s sort of like and there’s also a powerful like, neurochemical thing going on in our brains where we feel like a kind of altered state of consciousness going on. And it’s sort of like they look at the brainwave patterns of, of people like falling in love, and they’re like, God, it looks like either they’re in love or they do some kind of drugs because it’s very similar, right? It’s a very similar pairing, and there’s a good feeling of euphoria and connection. So that’s like the first stage that we just were like, wow, we are so fused. Everything is just this person is my everything.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:07  

Yeah.

 

Damona  17:08  

So then we move past that because I’ve had like, they’re my listeners are tired of me saying this so much, but there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Like there’s lust at first sight.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:18  

I say that too. I’m like you not love it is lost and that is totally fine. Lust happens, but you are not in love.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:27  

Okay, so how, how can we move on to love what’s the next stage they might Okay,

 

Unknown Speaker  17:32  

the next stage is the conflict and the power struggle.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:36  

This is when you have your first fight.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:39  

This is when you think, oh, like how do I differentiate myself from my partner? Like, maybe we’re not so much alike. You know, we struggle to exert like our individuality in a relationship. And there’s like conflict and you’re like, how can there be conflict in paradise? I didn’t realize, but that is the second stage. And that’s kind of where You know, people kind of last through this stage because some do. But the third stage, if you want me to skip to that that’s adjustment we call the adjustment and consolidation. And that’s where couples end up. This is where couples end the relationship. This is where divorce happens. This is where drugs addictions happen, people start drinking more. And a lot of people don’t get through these stages, it becomes a lot uglier. In this stage. We think Oh, wow. Like I remember the first stage. We’re like, Oh, my God, we are so perfect together. Everything’s amazing. And this is the stage where we’re like, there’s nothing we are nothing alike. And what am I going to do with each other?

 

Damona  18:34  

I’m sure a lot of people are feeling that right now.

 

Unknown Speaker  18:36  

Exactly, exactly. If this is the stage, we crave to get back to stage one. But I think a lot of people are in this stage right now. They might never have seen themselves going into this stage but because maybe we’re quarantined with somebody, and there’s so much strife and there’s we don’t have the conflict resolution skills to get us past the stages is is really where people are, are stuck right? And so I urge people to, you know, to kind of take a beat and realize that we’ve never been in this place before. And there’s like a, there’s an anxiety level that’s like in the ether in the universe right now we’re sort of all experiencing it from every angle, at work and at home and just the consciousness of everyone is sort of a heightened state of unknown anxiety, confusion. And then you put on top of that the person that has to be your most comfort in your joy. Now they’re giving you some strife, it feels like so I just, I mean, I recommend people reaching out and using their resources. I’m a huge fan of therapy. And I think that right now, there’s a lot of therapists I’d say the majority of them are offering online therapy and online coaching right now. And just know that it’s okay. You don’t have to solve it on your own because it’s this kind of language and dialogue that you have with your partner that’s gotten you here. So you’re going to need someone else you’re going to need some more tools from the outside to help you and it’s totally okay. Just like we hire a coach for work, a business coach, a trainer to get in shape a nutritionist, you might need one for your relationship right now. Absolutely. I totally believe in that if you’re single, like, same thing, we agree on the right therapy right now. Right?

 

Damona  20:14  

Right. So what’s on the other side of that Emily? solve the conflicts. Right.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:18  

Okay. So, um, the conflict, right? And, and when you get to this is the stage where this is the maturation stage where you mature, you have learned to differentiate, and this is true intimacy, like you’ve worked through your deepest wounds, you have really figured out, you know, who you are, you’ve gone to the dark places of intimacy as you shared it with your partner. And this is the stage where you say, Wow, we are nothing alike. And that’s beautiful. We are nothing alike. And that’s why we work because we support each other. We come together with these beautiful skills. And we’ve, we’ve, we’ve matured together, we’ve grown it and again, this doesn’t mean that you’ve been together 25 years. This could happen quickly. I mean, this can happen over a year this year. You know, it typically won’t happen in less than a year. But it depends how much work you’ve done individually coming together as well. The comments have you grown? How much have you looked at your past? wounds your childhood, your past relationships? have you dealt with abuse and trauma and anger? And, you know, there’s always work to do, but how much and how much are you both willing to work? Like, sometimes there’s one person who, who’s so into growth mindset and growing together and there’s someone’s like, no, we’re fine. I everything I’ve done is fine. I need to work and grow. I’m really good here. And that’s, that’s tough. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  21:34  

one person wants to grow and another person does not.

 

Damona  21:37  

Yeah, absolutely. You both have to be on the same page. And it’s also I would, I would add into the mix, you have to also be able to trust one another. And that’s, and I know that’s an element of all the work that you do, like if you are going to be intimate with someone whether it’s emotionally intimate or sexually intimate. There’s a level of trust you have to build when you say

 

Unknown Speaker  21:57  

absolutely, I mean, that’s the other thing is that you’ve built trust. See, I just kind of ran through those like quickly, but it’s like you. Yes, I mean trust is. Trust is something that you when you have it you have in your relationship and you don’t really think about it because it’s there. But once trust is broken in a relationship, it can be really difficult to heal, especially on your own. And the couples who like I hear from couples all the time, who say or it’s one person who says, well, but partner cheated on me and it’s been rough ever since. But I should be over it already. Or then the or the person who did the cheating says to me, why isn’t my partner over? And it’s like, well, what work have you done? Just saying I’m sorry, doesn’t gonna do it, or just because years or has passed, those wounds are still there. So you have to sort of rebuild, but you have to do that together. And again, I believe that can best be done in therapy. And it’s very hard to rebuild trust on your own. But yeah, trust is huge. That’s a big part of intimacy is couples like, like having trust, having integrity in the relationship. You know, broke broke through. It’s messy. They broken things down. They’ve rebuilt them. And they’ve they’ve stayed together and, and only like they say like only 5% of couples get to that that last stage of intimacy that really get there and really do it. Yeah. I mean,

 

Unknown Speaker  23:11  

I’m hoping I’m their girl.

 

Damona  23:14  

Living the dream, living the dream, but like, I want to go back for the listeners that are still single. When you’re building trust with someone new, that’s really, really hard. And a lot of times I get the question about when to be intimate with someone when to have sex. And then how do you even talk like, should you talk about it before you have sex? What’s the a DA, being? Sexy?

 

Unknown Speaker  23:40  

It’s a great question. I mean, I do believe that. That in order for us to be in a sexually healthy relationship with to be if we’re going to be having sex with someone, we have to be comfortable talking about it. The problem is where we’re at today in 2020s, that most people no matter what their age are, their their their backgrounds, their everything. They will not come through with it. We don’t have models. We don’t have people have done it. But I do believe and I do know this, the couples who are the healthiest and have the best sex lives are able to talk about it. And so I think before you talk about your before you have sex somewhat with someone how great to just say like, how important is sex to you in the relationship? You know, what kind of things are you into? I actually you could say I, it’s something that I’ve been on a journey to figuring out or getting comfortable talking about sex. I don’t have a lot of experience with talking about sex, but I know that it’s important. So would you be willing to be a partner that could talk about it with me, we could talk about what we like and what we’re into and what we don’t like or if we’ve never done this a we can figure it out together. But I know that sex is a really important part of a relationship. And I think, yeah, I mean, I think the sooner we talk about it, the better especially after you start having sex with someone. I don’t believe in this. Let’s wait a few months while it’s still really great. Cuz that’s when you should talk about it. Maybe just talk about how great it is or the things that you really liked about it. But it’s fun. Because we’re in relationships, and we’ll talk about like, we go to a movie, and we’ll talk about how much we liked the movie will have gone to dinner and we’ll say like, wasn’t a delicious meal. Well, yeah. didn’t love the appetizers. But I really enjoyed the, the main course. Well, we I don’t know if I’d go back there again. But sex we just like, we have the sex, and then it’s over. And then we don’t ever talk about it. And then no one knows

 

Unknown Speaker  25:20  

how it went.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:23  

Down.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:25  

Like, were we in a different, like, read a different thing here. We read different movies where we had a different,

 

Damona  25:30  

but a lot of times people are in different movies when they’re there.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:33  

They

 

Unknown Speaker  25:35  

thought that’s great. And the other is like, this is terrible. I don’t want to do this again. We’re sex in

 

Unknown Speaker  25:39  

my life. Exactly. So how great to be able to talk about it and a lot of my show. It’s funny. People hear the name sex with me. They think Oh, God, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. And I have to tell you that most of what I talk about is getting people comfortable communicating about it. I always say communication is a lubrication. And the more that we talk about taxi, we get comfortable with sex the much better stuff We’re going to have but it’s just getting to that place of, of breaking down the walls together and saying, like, I know this is awkward, but I really think it’s I know that it’s going to help us. So yeah, kind of talking about what your greatest memories are together, like, give her if it’s new thing, like, let’s talk about what did you like about last night and you don’t have to get into what you didn’t like yet because I have a whole process for that. But maybe to start off by complimenting your parents, and God, I really enjoyed the way you kissed my neck. When you kissed my neck, I felt these things run through my body that I haven’t felt in forever. And just affirming. So they know because maybe there was other things that you didn’t like, the let’s lead with the positive. I think we all like to hear the things that you do well, so that’s kind of like for early stage of relationships. I’ve other practices for the stuff we don’t like but I think just really enforcing reinforcing things that went well is harmful.

 

Damona  26:52  

I want to get into how you talk about this stuff if you don’t like and you have some questions actually in the next segment about that.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:57  

But consent comes up A lot

 

Damona  27:00  

for my listeners that are dating and just beginning to have sex. You know, Emily, I’m just going to ask you, I had a conversation off air with another with a male dating coach. I know. And we were talking about consent, and he was talking about like sexy ways that guys can ask for consent. And then he said, I don’t believe in asking for consent for a kiss. And I was like, Well, now we’re like, separating the process of intimacy. I want to get your take on that.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:30  

Well, I believe that there’s a really I think that in this day and age, there’s that Yeah, ask for consent for case i think i think there’s ways that you could do it. That’s really consensual. That’s really like, consensually, it’s positive. Again, consensual comes off as consensual, not offensive and kind of sexy. So you could just say I

 

Unknown Speaker  27:52  

What about just like, I’d really like to kiss you right now. Yeah, I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. Would you Be open i mean i’m really thinking about I can’t stop thinking about kissing you Would that be okay? How would you feel about that? And like looking at someone in their eyes and saying like,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:10  

like that’s the way it’s not like

 

Unknown Speaker  28:11  

I would you mind if I kissed you right now like it’s all it’s all energy yeah I think saying like you know I would really like to kiss you right now how how does that feel to you it’s just a really honest Looking in their eyes you feel seen and maybe you don’t want to but I’ve had guys say that to me. And even though it was really sweet I’m like, oh God, thank you for letting me know that. I’m not feeling that right now but I so I let’s keep talking I’ll let you know if I if that if my position on that changes. You know,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:42  

I’m glad that you can be so honest about that moment. I think a lot of women feel bad saying no to a case or even saying no to sex.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:54  

You’re such a good point here. Yeah,

 

Damona  28:56  

I hate that. We we don’t even you know, we we’re kind of Meaning that we are supposed to be polite, like, how can we get that kind of

 

Unknown Speaker  29:04  

confidence? Right to Mona like, this is the thing is that people is that. So I’ve talked about this a lot on my show. My show as well is that so many women we just have like we just say yes, because it’s so much easier than saying no, like I always I did a speech once. I was like, how many of you have just had sex? Because it was easier than saying now like, how many of you like given that blow job because you’re like,

 

Unknown Speaker  29:27  

raising my hand.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:29  

Same thing, and it’s like, why is it so hard? And I think it’s because we don’t we’re pleasers. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t want to come off as prude. We don’t want to come off as we don’t want to deal with conflict. And so it’s like, and I love that we’re having this conversation because I think it’s like first off for some women. They’re like, Oh, I can say no, like literally they don’t know they can say no. Well, the person already came to my room. I’ve already invited him to my home or we’re already on a date and they bought me a nice dinner and donate. Oh, oh them. You don’t know what else You don’t owe anybody anything but your real truth and your real honesty said in the most, in the kindest way possible in the most like, me doesn’t have to be kind of someone’s being aggressive. But I would, I would, I’ve learned that there’s nuances that to it, and I think of how to say no. And so. So usually what’s happened perhaps, historically, is that and this is sort of a somatic practice. As a medic therapy practice, I’m a trained somatic sex therapist as well. And what I mean by somatic is, is it being in your body, so embodied and really paying attention to when someone comes towards you, or someone’s touching you? How does it make you feel? And so what happens is so So an example would be, let’s say, someone and we probably had this experience where perhaps they just escalated a little bit too quickly. Like maybe the kiss happened. Like, I’ll give you the example of the kiss I just use so maybe someone tried to kiss me. I just I’ve had guys say, like, should we just kiss right now and get over it? And I’m like, no. No, not right now. But just because I say no doesn’t mean that maybe we truly could revisit this later. Or maybe Okay, so no better example that’s maybe more relatable to people is say you start making out with someone, and it’s getting hot and heavy, and then they start to put their hand on your pants. And it’s not like you wouldn’t want that. Eventually, maybe in an hour, maybe next time I see you, maybe in a month from now. But sometimes the whole it shuts out. We just wanted to what we really wanted that moment was just keep making out. We loved making out with this person. And so so so my experience be getting in touch and feeling like, Oh, I felt me get tense right now I’m not ready for that. And then being able to have the word say, put your hand on their, you know, on their hand and say, I’m not feeling that right now. But I’m really enjoying making out with you. So let’s keep doing that. Or I need to take a beat for a moment. Can we just pause on that for a second? I’m so loved loving getting to know you right now. So that signals to them I’m not saying gay. Go home, get in your car leave my house. I’m saying this is escalating beyond where I want it to go right now. And I’m sort of enjoying the arousal process of getting to know you the kissing. And I think we will often either just think we got to shut it down or we got to keep going. And we don’t realize that there’s a nuance to the process of arousal because most men if we’re talking about heterosexual relationships, for example, men escalate quicker than women. Men get aroused and turned on they have more of a responsive desire they respond to things happening in the moment or women or women are more responsive like we need things to build where men are spontaneous, they get aroused a lot quicker. Women are slow cookers and men are frying pan. So literally in that same moment of making out there ready to go to third base to us little tournament. We’re like no, I love getting to know your lips. So sad. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  32:53  

yeah. And I love how you keep

 

Damona  32:54  

reiterating what it is that you like and even when you are giving a credit direction or a reset of the energy. It’s still with a reminder that you like where you are what

 

Unknown Speaker  33:08  

if you just

 

Unknown Speaker  33:10  

don’t you’re not feeling it at all and you need to send a very Okay,

 

Unknown Speaker  33:13  

great distinction so I think if you’re not feeling it you just stop and you say and this happened to me very recently.

 

Unknown Speaker  33:20  

Tell us about it.

 

Unknown Speaker  33:21  

Oh god you guys I’m telling you this is this work is not it’s not like I’m a pro at it I just in the moment sometimes it’s still always a little bit uncomfortable because you feel bad and all those things come up. I’m just telling you ways to do it that are you know, that are a little more that feel good to everybody involved. So I had to say I we were going to make no for round and I thought I’m not feeling this guy anymore. It’s just it. I had already had some hesitations. And I just stopped and I looked him I said, you know, what, can we slow down for a second? And I said, I I gotta tell you, I so love spending time with you. But but but in this moment, right now, I’m feeling like we got to just kind of take a pause. And can we just get up and just kind of go back to my living room. Just kind of chat and then we move down he was it okay. Okay, I said Listen, I’ve just so I have a lot of things happening in my life right now. And this is all true. And I just said I I’m not feeling like I’m in a place to be really physical with you right now but I’ve so enjoyed our time and let’s just do need a glass of water and let’s talk and I was just, I was working through in the moment as well because I’ve learned that if I am not fully on board and my whole body’s out of hell, yes, I can it’s a violation to who I am as a woman as myself. I can’t keep going so I had to say it but I’m saying can be clunky and I feel bad but then I’m he got it though it is it okay. Like I understand you. Let’s talk. I wasn’t saying get the hell out. I wasn’t I was like, let me explain my process. So

 

Unknown Speaker  34:41  

yeah, the other thing that you did

 

Damona  34:42  

that’s really great is you really stayed in the moment like I’m always telling my listeners not to get ahead of themselves, like you weren’t, like, This guy has to get out right now because I don’t know where this is going. You just are like right now this doesn’t feel right to me. And so I’m just going to react to this moment. Exactly, yeah. And that’s a lot of pressure off yourself, right? Because when you’re when you start thinking about, like, what happened before what happened after I mean, that’s another thing like people that have had sex before that realize they don’t want to have sex with someone again, it’s kind of like you were saying earlier, there’s this feeling like, well, if we’ve already had sex, we might as well just have sex again. Now, right, you always have a chance to choose right?

 

Unknown Speaker  35:21  

Every you have a chance to choose in every moment and with every relationship and with every encounter, to be to, to to change your mind. And when we’re present. So what we’re talking about is when we go into an experience like that, where we’re like, I gotta get out, we go into fight or flight. And we go into the future in the past. We don’t make great decisions for ourselves. So to say, we’ll say like, go back to right now in this moment, I am not feeling it. We have totally we have agency over that and you don’t owe anybody anything. You don’t owe anybody another kiss, another sex another date, like really don’t and I think that is women. This is just like we’re breaking, you know, so many years of this stigma and this feeling that women just have to and we owe it to men, and we just don’t We don’t, and we could take care of ourselves and it’s our bodies, our choices, and all those things are really real. And I think the more that we do that in every situation, we’re going to be just so much, so much better set up for our relationship that we can teach our daughters or nieces or the women in our life. How to do that as well.

 

Unknown Speaker  36:17  

Yeah, paradigm. It is. Thank you for reiterating that. Okay, I want to go back, you said that you had some tips in case you you need to give someone some

 

Unknown Speaker  36:32  

constructive criticism. Yes. How do we do that?

 

Unknown Speaker  36:36  

Okay, I love the compliment sandwich. So, do you want to give me an example of something you might want to correct? It can be from your life damona or anywhere else? Like what would be something that you might want to give feedback or that you’ve heard from your listeners? Oh, I don’t like the way.

 

Damona  36:50  

Is there anything? Actually I did get a DM when I was asking for questions about a woman who said she has trouble climaxing during oral sex

 

Unknown Speaker  37:01  

with boyfriend. All right. So that is such a common a common thing. So I, so well that’s, that’s interesting because so what she might be saying is,

 

Unknown Speaker  37:12  

Okay, here we go. So she’d say babe, sweetie, okay, here’s my first step

 

Unknown Speaker  37:17  

outside the bedroom. Number one, you do not have the conversations about what you’d like to change, or giving feedback to your partner in the bedroom after a sex act. Because we’re in a heightened state of arousal. Maybe we’ve just we’re connected where I like the bedrooms. I like that for sleeping and for sex. But when we’re gonna have a conversation about our sex life, do it when you are in an environment where you’re kind of chilling, you keep it light, maybe you’ve just had a drink, you’re at dinner, you’re going for a walk. I love walking and having conversations on a road trip because these conversations can be so awkward and uncomfortable at first. You don’t have to make eye contact if you’re driving your car like okay, babe, I think we should talk about our sex like that. That concept

 

Unknown Speaker  38:01  

is the environment for any conflict IV.

 

Unknown Speaker  38:04  

any conflict, get in the car time to walk the dog with you again. So then so then you say okay, so I realized that I want to talk to you about I’ve been thinking about our sex life. This is the compliment sandwich. And, and you start with something you love. I think that it’s been lately the way you’ve been. The way it’s been a lot slower lately. And I love the way you’ve been like making out and that thing you did with your tongue and my on my neck or my ear felt so good. Like, I feel like we’ve really been, you know, connecting lately in that way. And I realized that when you go down on me it is so it’s like my favorite thing. It’s so hot. I get really aroused. And lately I haven’t been able to orgasm. I was thinking that perhaps if we took a little bit more time with it, and I could have a few more. You know, sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like I’m taking too much time. And I feel like if we He just kind of settle in, I knew that you were kind of into it as well that I would definitely have the most explosive orgasms, and then the last piece of the bread would be, and I know that when I’m really turned on and having orgasms, it just makes me want to have sex every day. He

 

Unknown Speaker  39:15  

want and that’s what he wants. He never wants

 

Unknown Speaker  39:18  

  1. So I mean, that was a lot. You know, that was. That was I was also answering the A common question that women have about why can I orgasm during oral sex? And typically, it’s because women are, well, we can sum up the compliment sandwich first and I’ll get into oral like, but typically you want to be very positive. You want to stay curious. You don’t want to be accusatory or blame I’ve told you so many times to go down. I mean more, why doesn’t this happen? Because the second you do that they’re just out the door. So really, it’s just here’s what I love. Here’s why this would be great in a suggestion and then ending with like, the reason why it’s great for both of you is my best tip.

 

Damona  39:53  

I love that. I love the compliment sandwich. I have so many questions Emily. I would love to just keep on talking You feel like questions, but so many people have submitted their questions. So I’m gonna roll on into our next segment. Do you have questions and Emily and I have answers. So now it’s time for your favorite segment. And I just want to remind everybody, these are going to be a little bit more R rated than usual. But Emily, I’m sure these are no biggie for you. You got it? Yeah, no questions like this all the time. Our first one comes to us from Katie from Canada. She says, My husband needs a few days between sex sessions, or he can’t get hard. Is this normal? And just to give you a little bit more background, because I followed up with her She said she’s 31 He’s 37. She’s never noticed the refractory time before, but since the quarantine she’s noticed that if she tries to initiate again that day or days following it doesn’t lead anywhere or he’s not able to and that feels like a long time.

 

Unknown Speaker  41:00  

Okay, got it? That’s that’s a great question. And I love that she gave me his age because when people email me their questions, it’s really important to people’s age and to know where they’re at So, so, if you’re 37 if he’s 37 so here’s what I think the refractory time for men meaning the time it takes for them to be able to have sex again after they ejaculate. You know, when you’re younger men can kind of keep going. And when they get a little bit older, it can be challenging, but 37 is still young, typically, men start to see challenges around erections. And around in their 40s is when there’s a drop in testosterone. And so what I would think what my first hit from this is that what the first thing is, it could be medical, it could be testosterone drop, it could be if he’s taking any medications, the first thing to look at is as you change anything at all, is he drinking more? Is he on a medication, there’s a lot of medications that actually impact our ability to get to have an erection to have an orgasm. So that’s what we got to look at a lot anything medical, and then we take away all of that. Listen We are in a time of tremendous stress and anxiety, which already before quarantine is the number one killer of our sex drive. When we are stressed, and we are anxious, especially men, I find this in men more than women, when men are concerned about money, their job, something happening, their ability to be in the masculine and take care of the family like that really has an impact on their desire. And so I don’t know that you should be concerned. But I think that maybe I would tell Katie to go a little bit deeper. And just like how I said, to have the conversation about sex in a neutral environment, the same thing goes for this kind of thing. Just say, I’ve been thinking about you. And I know you said it’s gonna take a few days is it you know, tell me about how you feel? Is there anything we could do? You’re doing in a way to help that like, I can’t believe it, you’re not getting turned on because a lot of times what women we do is we think oh, he’s not attracted to me anymore. Something’s wrong with me. Or, you know, and just being like, supportive and saying like, well, let’s take a look at it. Let’s take a look at like your medication, or do you think it could be something stressful Something I could do to help you more like relax right now because a couple days is a long time, like in the sense of like, I’m sure he could still get turned on but I feel like there he might just have other things on his mind right now is what is what I’m thinking. Yeah,

 

Damona  43:14  

I’ve been hearing that couples in quarantine together are actually having more sex right now. So I wonder also if she’s been like, does this

 

Unknown Speaker  43:23  

I don’t know that you’re hearing everything Okay, so I’m hearing that there’s some couples who are like, Oh my god, it’s so great. We’re both home now. I’m not traveling as much for work and we’re just having this time that we’ve always craved. other couples are like, I’m going to there’s nothing sexy about living in this one bedroom apartment and I’ll be doing and staring each other and that is not hot. Because something about you becoming one of candles eroticism when you don’t have the surprise and the mystery in the spotlight at all that is just washed away with this quarantine. So I actually, I don’t want to put any more pressure on everyone. Like I think it’s different across the board. But but maybe Yeah, maybe Katie’s feeling like she wants it more because maybe he’s been away a lot now. Homework. And maybe he’s trying to figure out how to work at home. And how do I make sense of this all. And he’s just really stressed and is more distracted right now. And so maybe creating a space for them and their relationship where they can separate from work and creating a time where they’re scheduling sex, which is one of my best tips for couples always and right now to say, I know that we’re having sex these three days this week, so you’re not one of you isn’t feeling like you’re always rejecting their partner, or someone wants it more than the other. But when you can plan it, and you know, like sex is happening eight o’clock on Saturday, you can kind of start to look forward to it. You can get ready, you can shower, you can shave what you can like, talk about the things you want to do. And then that becomes your activity that you’re both going to share and it works better for for both usually.

 

Damona  44:43  

Yeah, and what else do we have to do right now? Exactly right. I’m all about the date night so I had to make a date night appointment with my husband like after the kids go to bed. Saturday night, your mind. Now he knows this. He knows what’s coming. Okay. We talked about women and oral sex but from the other side This question comes to us from Ashley on Instagram. She says, My boyfriend can’t climax from a blow job trying to deal with my ego thinking it’s just me any tips?

 

Unknown Speaker  45:17  

Great question, Ashley. I hear this all the time. First off, it is not you I wish I could just talk to the collective conscious of women and be like most of the things that are happening with your boyfriend’s your partner’s penis has nothing to do with you. It’s very common that men cannot orgasm from blowjob and and so it could be a lot of reasons it could be the way he masturbates. It could be the way he’s holding his penis. It could be because he’s watching a lot of porn. And it is harder for him to masturbate with with a mouse there is. Now also I want to say yeah, maybe there’s something else that he wants sexually. And you’re allowed to say to him God, I really love performing oral on you. I’d love to know your best tips of how I can make it the best blow job ever. But I wouldn’t ask him in the moment, I would say I’m going to or I would say I want to start asking your next time when you show me what you love because I want to be your best ever. You could do that as well, Ashley but there are I’m hearing this more and more lately that there’s just a lot of men who just aren’t orgasming from blowjobs and I just I’ve always heard it but something lately and I have a hunch it has to do with porn. Because I believe that men are watching so much that’s a whole nother show. We could do more and watching But yeah, I do believe that I’m not like anti porn by any means I get that it serves its purpose. But when we have one way of holding ourselves and one way of generating pleasing ourselves, it can be challenging to bring anyone else into the mix even if she’s like a you know, expert porn star, whatever like doesn’t for a living, it can still be challenging. So best take your ego out of it and just get some healthy communication with your partner.

 

Unknown Speaker  46:53  

That’s great advice, Emily.

 

Damona  46:55  

Okay, this one is another Instagram question from Shannon. She says, what does it mean when your new boyfriend goes limp when you get on top of them? He says he’s had this problem in his last relationships, too. He can function in other positions, but he climaxes quickly.

 

Unknown Speaker  47:15  

Okay, Shannon, this is a great question too. It’s like, I wish we knew her age, but I’m telling you, it sounds like she might be a little bit. I don’t know, younger. I don’t know why I have this sense. But I feel that men have penis challenges, trust him that he has that trust that it’s happened in his past relationship.

 

Unknown Speaker  47:33  

And

 

Unknown Speaker  47:36  

when you get on top of him,

 

Unknown Speaker  47:40  

I mean, okay, so most of the challenges that men face with their penis have to do with anxiety and has to do with things that have happened in a situation that’s happened in the past. And all men want to do is perform. They want to be great lovers. They want to stay at heart and they want to keep going. But sometimes if things have happened in the past, it even only takes one time. We’re like, Oh, no, I’m going to get soft and this isn’t, you know, this, this, this keeps happening over and over again. And then they are they’re reinforcing it and their behavior. It’s a what it means is I think again, you have to kind of understand what kind of like what positions, he functions in other positions, but he climaxes quickly does he climax. So what I’m hearing then is that in every position, he climax quickly, but then when you get on top, he gets soft. So it’s just it’s almost like you’re having, these are challenges that you’re having. And

 

Unknown Speaker  48:33  

yeah, and that’s her favorite position. She was saying that’s the that’s the position that she can come in most easily. But he can’t perform in that can perform that

 

Unknown Speaker  48:44  

way. Well, here’s the other thing I want to say is what I believe that if he gets limp, he can probably he can get harder again. So what we have to do when our partners get limp is not freaked out and not ended just because they’re like, Oh my god, I can’t believe it. You could be like it’s okay baby and then you could go down And again, you can start to touch him, you can use some lube, you can like, get him hard again, because just because he got soft, doesn’t mean that it can’t come back and again in a moment, but it’s the both of you that collective, he’s going, I didn’t say that often you’re like, he’s not hard, and then it becomes a thing, but just be like, it’s okay, babe. And then you could kind of work around, make out again, do some other things. And I guarantee you, he’s going to get hard again. I mean, I’ll come back. And that’s a training thing, and then you get back on top of them. And then if it happens, again, you go back down again. And I think once you both realize that he can get hard again, it’s gonna be able to come back. This is what I’ve experienced with with people, it’s just a matter of retraining, what what means sex is over what means you know what I mean? So I think baby does have experience with that position. And he really think the reason why he’s getting soft is because I think he probably really wants to be there and deliver and he just can’t. So it’s kind of retraining. It’s almost like creating new neural pathways in the brain. That’s what it’s about.

 

Damona  49:56  

Knowing Yes, well, and it sounds like this relationship is knew, but I often hear from people in long term relationships that they want to try new things or they get to this Roadblock, and they don’t really know how to take things in a different direction. What do you say to that?

 

Unknown Speaker  50:15  

Oh, it’s it’s a great question because that is so common that couples are like, what what do we do? What where do we go? We’ve got

 

Damona  50:19  

our friend Emily.

 

Unknown Speaker  50:21  

Exactly. I was gonna say, Come on, girl. It’s okay. But the first thing is, is communicating about it and saying what? I think we can both agree that we want to be the greatest lovers to each other ever. And I love all these things about relationship but there’s I feel like there’s so much more that we don’t even know we’ve been together so long would you can we can we make this our thing right now? Can we figure out what would be super hot for both of us? And a great place to start is you each talk about maybe you will share the most memorable time you’ve had sex like what is the top three moments for you? Like it could be like something that happened or position or glance or a look? And then just by you explaining that And then your partner coming back to you and saying his times, there’s so much detail. There’s so much information just in those moments like, like, the most memorable time could be, you know, when you guys were on vacation, and oftentimes on vacation because there’s no distractions, and maybe you were in a hotel room, and then all of a sudden, like someone else walked in and saw you. And then you’re like, Okay, well, there was no distractions, the window was open, and then someone else walked in. So there was like, the element of surprise, or maybe voyeurism. Or maybe it was it was going really slow. And he was slowly it was the way that he slowly addressed you. Or maybe you had a blindfold on. I mean, there’s intelligence in these in these moments. So I think once we find out these are the things that that worked, and why you like them, and then your partner would share the same things and you can say, Okay, well, let’s do more of that. So that’s a great place to start. Another thing is just to get smart together and a lot of couples Listen, I’ve found over the years I’ve been doing this for 15 years. The podcasts a lot of couples listen together to my show. And they’re like, Oh, well Emily says this and, you know, use me like, I don’t care if people blame me and they’re like, well, like you can stop and be like, what do you think about us trying watching porn together or buying some sex toys together? That is mostly what we’re missing. It’s not that we don’t love our partner, but we’re missing novelty. We’re missing something new and different. So it’s like toys, getting ideas, research, reading a book together, listening to my show, just finding new ways to connect. You know, it could just be even outside the bedroom, like our same bedroom over day over day can get boring. Everything does after a while,

 

Damona  52:36  

especially sex. Thank you for those tips. I’ll be sure to pass them on to my friend. This was awesome. Thank you so much for joining me Emily. I’m so glad to have you on dates and maybe

 

Unknown Speaker  52:47  

you for having me. I’m so honored. And

 

Damona  52:52  

y’all you got to get listening to the sex with Emily podcast or check her out on Sirius XM stars channel 109. She’s on every day. You can find her on your favorite podcast platform. And hey, like she said, you can use the podcast as a jumping off point for your next sex talk. Thanks so much for being here.

 

Unknown Speaker  53:11  

Thank you for having me.

 

Damona  53:13  

We have made it through Episode 308 of dates and mates. I actually did an interview on Emily’s podcast too, and I’ll put a link in the show notes or you can join Patreon, where I’m adding the cliffsnotes versions of all of my media interviews and podcasts that I’ve appeared on. I’ll bullet out everything you need to know so you can follow along and soak up the most important info. But that’s not everything you would get from being in my patreon Friends with Benefits Program. I also have a step by step video training on how to start online dating today. Plus in a few days on Wednesday, the sixth of May, I’ll be dropping a new video training on how to tell if someone is good match for you on Tinder. Just using Facial analysis techniques work. Yes, watch the mind of some of our listeners being blown as they experience the brilliance of a live facial analysis by Susan. I bet, y’all Honestly, this is like a game changer info. It’s all going down in the Patreon. You can get all of these resources for you starting at just five bucks a month@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. I’d love to have you join the community. In the meantime, please, let’s let’s connect. I’m on all the socials at damona Hoffman. And I love hearing from you all all of these questions that we’ve been getting are so rich and layered. And I know that there are a lot of you nodding your head to these questions going, Oh, that’s a problem for me too. And if you’re thinking that then I want to hear what your question is, because I guarantee you it’s going to help somebody else who is listening to the show. Don’t forget to share, share what you’ve learned, share this episode and Please join me again next week all my subscribers get the episodes the minute that they post until next week.

 

Unknown Speaker  55:06  

I wish you comfortable face masks and happy dating

Intimacy & New Dating Norms

A DEFINITIVE TIMELINE FOR ALL THE SEXY THINGS

Almost every week, Dates & Mates Podcast listeners and clients ask the same question on intimacy: when should we go all the way?

Enter one of the top experts in dating and sex: Dr. Emily Morse of the Sex with Emily Podcast!! She joins Damona on this week’s episode to get clear ONCE AND FOR ALL on the intimacy timeline.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

 

DATING DISH (3:01)

Will dating be forever changed by COVID-19?

Pandemic shutdowns have thrown a curve-ball at dating and relationships. What are the repercussions to this? To name a few: anxiety over a ticking biological clock, a change in the intimacy timeline, and better dating for introverts. It’s not all bad. Damona breaks it down.

Is Will and Jada’s relationship in trouble?

On a recent episode of Red Table Talk, Jada Pinkett Smith reveals that she doesn’t really even know Will Smith anymore. What does this mean for their relationship?

The safest places to get your freak on during the pandemic shutdown

You may have heard that Zoom is monitoring closely to shut down virtual sex. Bummer right? Well if you’re into it, Adult Friend Finder has released the very first virtual orgy platform: Virgy. Damona has thoughts.

 

ARE YOU READY TO GO ALL THE WAY? (16:00)

One of the biggest issues in dating and relationships is intimacy.  Whether you are trying to find love virtually right now and you’re not getting enough of it, or you’re quarantined with your loved one and you’re getting too much of it, everyone’s kind of struggling. 

As always, but especially In this crazy COVID world, intimacy and sex are part of healthy relationships. But we’re not always clear on how to build and maintain intimacy in a healthy way.

So today, we get clear once and for all on the “intimacy timeline” with one of the top experts in the field: Dr. Emily Morse of the Sex with Emily Podcast.

We’ve listened to her show for years and now we’re delighted to welcome her to Dates & Mates. We talk:

  • The Four Stages of Intimacy
    • The Infatuation Phases and “Honeymoon Period”
    • Conflict and the power struggle
    • True Intimacy and Unconditional Support
  • Why there’s no such thing as “Love At First Sight”
  • When to take some time to reevaluate what the next step is
  • Therapy For Intimacy?
  • The timeline depends on how much you grow as a person independently
  • Only 5% of couples get to the final stage of unconditional support
  • And so much more!

If you want more Emily, check out her podcast and other content at SexWithEmily.Com

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Tweet from Katie: My husband needs a few days between sex sessions or he can’t get hard. Is this normal? She’s 31, he’s 37. She says she’s never noticed the refractory time before but with the quarantine, I’ve noticed that if I try to initiate again that day or days following it doesn’t lead anywhere and he’s not able to. Should I be concerned? A couple of days seems like quite a long time.
  • Ashlee from Twitter: My boyfriend can’t climax from a BJ. Trying to deal with my ego thinking it’s just me. Tips?
  • IG: What does it mean when your new boyfriend goes limp when you get on top of him? He says he had this problem in his last relationship too. He can function in other positions but he climaxes quickly.

 

 

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

 

 

 

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.

Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for: 

  • an opportunity to work with Damona directly
  • to get quality advice that is tailored to your dating challenges
  • and to become part of a community that will help you find the healthiest, most loving relationships this year

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, welcome to Dates & Mates!

 

Damona  0:21  

one of the biggest issues in dating and relationships is intimacy. Whether you’re trying to find love virtually right now and you’re not getting enough of it, or you’re quarantine with your loved one, and maybe you’re getting too much of it. We are all struggling right now, as always, but especially in this crazy COVID world. intimacy and sex are a part of healthy relationships. But we’re not always clear on how to build and maintain intimacy in a healthy way.

 

Unknown Speaker  0:51  

So today,

 

Damona  0:52  

we are once and for all going to get clear on the intimacy timeline with one of the top experts in this field. Dr. Emily Morse of the sex with Emily podcast. I’ve listened to her show for years and now I’m delighted to welcome her finally to dates and mates. But before you get all hot and bothered, we have headlines including will dating be forever changed by COVID-19? And could jayda and Will’s relationship be in trouble plus the safest places to get your free guide on during the pandemic shutdown? And then in technically dating Emily and I will answer your questions like what to do if you and your partner have different sexual needs and how to deal with insecurities in the bedroom. All that and more on today’s very hot dates and maids This one is definitely not one to listen to in the room with the kiddos. Explicit warning, I’m saying it now it’s going to be hot but you’re going to want to hear everything that Emily and I talked about. You ready For the dates in mates,

 

Unknown Speaker  2:02  

let’s dish these dating dish.

 

Damona  2:07  

According to time dating will be permanently changed by COVID-19. A lot of people have been asking my opinion on this from NPR, you may have heard me do a couple of segments in the last few weeks. You may have read in my new column in the LA Times about this. There are a lot of people speculating about what this will mean for intimacy. So let me just take a snapshot of where I think we are right now. And I can make a guess about where I think it will go. And I’ll also tell you what some of the other experts that time interviewed said, and you can make your own determination about what you think will happen when quarantine opens up and people are able to return to some sense of normalcy. So now we’re in this place where just speaking of dating specifically, people are unable to meet face to face. So I’m hearing a couple of different things I’m hearing there are a lot of people that are really excited by the ability to make new connections without all that pressure. So many of my listeners have been timid about online dating. Well, you know, I’ve always been very bullish about it. But part of the reason is that, that awkwardness of moving offline and into the real world so it’s allowed a lot of new people to step into the space and play in the dating space and the chat space in the flirtation space and see if this could be a good avenue for them to date. So I think dating apps will continue to be on the rise. They’ve already all said that they are having a huge increase in new users and new chats, but we don’t we don’t know what that will look like when there are other avenues available for dating but I do believe it will consistently be up. Now people are having to do virtual dates, and be really clever with quarantine dates and what I love about This is that it’s causing people to be a little more mindful to slow down and also to be more creative and really get to know one another people have been obsessed we talked about love is blind on the show a few weeks ago, people have been obsessed with this idea of finding love without the confusion, I guess of what someone looks like and, and the visual seeing them face to face. But we all know like not every couple made it on love is blind. I’m not saying any spoilers or anything, but not every couple makes it. And so there’s this almost fantasy playing out where people are thinking that this is going to be the answer to unlock all of these problems in dating, that dating timelines are going to slow which you’ve heard me say on the show before and that people are going to become more mindful of who they’re having sex with the thought we talked about the other Netflix show too hot to handle recently. As well, what I think is really going to happen is that it’s, it’s we’re going to return to how it was before but we are going to have new filters in place. Like being able to do that video chat and having it not be weird. I that’s the biggest thing that I think will come away from COVID-19. With as far as dating is concerned, a lot of things that we once thought were weird, are no longer going to be weird video chat dating is not going to be weird. calling someone on the phone who you’ve never met is no longer going to be weird. It’s going to be normal again, like it once was. So I think this is a really great time, but we’re going to go through a little bit of an ebb and flow. They interviewed one of my favorite experts for this time magazine article, Helen Fisher, and she is a she’s a social scientist. She works at the Kinsey Institute. She’s studied the brain on love, and she says that thirst and hunger are not going to do And therefore, neither are the feelings of love and attachment that allow you to pass your DNA on to the next generation. So that’s what we have to remember. Like, I can get all intellectual about dating and dating plans and processes. But when it comes down to it, that drive for procreation and that drive for connection is the strongest thing in the world. That is, that is what drives everything, because we are wired to keep the human race going. And that is not going away just because of COVID-19. So there’s a lot of talk of people abstaining from sex, there was this government. I think it was a New York City slogan about you are your own safest sex partner right now, which is true and which has always been true, but people aren’t just going to forget about having sex or having connection because we had COVID-19. I think what we’re going to see if I can predict for a moment is that once the restrictions are lifted, There are going to be a couple of weird moments, like a first dance at prom, where people are like, I don’t want to be the first one to get out there and hit the dance floor like I don’t want to look weird or be the first one to make a fool of myself. So people are a little shy to enter the dance floor. And then a couple of brave people jump in, and everybody’s like, oh, there, you look cool, that looks fine. I want to do that too. And then everybody is on the dance floor, and then all of a sudden, the dance floor is gonna get really crowded. And people are going to realize that there is a risk right now in dating and making connections with people in holding hands kissing, touching other things that we’ll talk about later in the show. And I think there’s going to be a little bit of a balancing and a retraction where people are going to slow down again, and that’s where I hope we will land in this sweet spot of love and relationships. So check out this article. I’ll put it in the show notes. There was also a mention of really interesting experiment that they’re doing at you Pan. That’s sort of a love Love is blind inspired experiment where they’re trying to help people fall in love over email. During quarantine. I can’t wait to see what the results of that study are. I’m sure we will cover it on dates and mates but it is making me believe in love again. You know one couple that is love goals for life. Everybody has known of the romance between Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. And we all look to them. We see red Table Talk and we see them out together and we’re like, they’re the perfect couple. They’ve got it all. They’ve got it all. But on read Table Talk recently jayda revealed that being in quarantine has made her realize that she and will don’t really know each other anymore. They’ve grown apart to some extent and they’ve been together over 20 years. And there is this lull in the relationship where you start to almost take your partner for granted and then you look at them and you think oh How could you take your partner for granted? This is Will Smith or how could you take jayda Pinkett Smith they’re both so amazing in their own right. But I love in the show how real jayda makes the issues that she’s going through and how grounded they are to make you realize that even though we idealize their relationship, and she is saying she was even idealizing, who her partner was, we can learn so much by hearing her honest take on what’s going on. And she’s saying that in this time, it’s also an opportunity. If you’re in a relationship right now, it’s an opportunity to get to know your partner again, on a deeper level. I’ve been doing like 20 questions and playing all these fun games with my husband, and really getting to see a different side of him. I don’t feel like it’s quite at the level of what Jayla said like I don’t know him at all. But I do feel like I have learned things that maybe if we hadn’t had that time to really slow down and really bond together that I may not have taken the time to stop and ask some of these questions that I’ve had answered. So this is a great reminder for us to not be complacent in marriage or in relationships and to always try to find that spark and that ability to be curious. You know, I’m always talking about that with dating, right. Be curious about your partner. And I think that is the silver lining on all of this, not just for jayda and will but for us as well.

 

Turns out, a lot of people may not be satisfied in their relationships right now because according to adult friend finder, they are seeing a big surge in new users. And this is a casual dating and camping site. So actually all of the so called cheating sites are seeing a big surge and That’s a lot of people trying to escape the reality like it’s intense in there. It’s intense when you are 24 seven with somebody that you, you maybe you really have strong feelings for them or maybe you have been growing apart for a while. And this intensity is just the thing to drive the wedge between you and where you’re seeking, seeking fulfillment from other sources. But here’s the thing on Adult friend finder, they also are helping people move into like virtual sec situations. And they had to launch a new platform called Virgie. I didn’t make it that name, y’all. It’s a platform that provides a safe environment for people looking to explore orgies during COVID-19. So some of these people may be in relationships. Some may be single, but a lot of these common video chat sites that We use like zoom, did you know this, like you cannot have relations on zoom, and not that they’re peeking in on everybody’s video chats, but there is an element of them monitoring what’s happening. And so these virtual sex parties could no longer happen on zoom, and they had to find another avenue for allowing the people that come to their site to be able to do the things that they want to do. So this is just to remind you that there’s something out there for everyone and whatever your need is right now, whether it’s an emotional or an intimate need or simply a sexual need. There’s no shame in the game y’all. You can find what you’re looking for. Online. The Google machine has made anything that you want possible and animation to you at the click of a button. So I encourage you to go out there and find what you’re looking for speaking of finding what you’re looking for getting your needs met, and let’s face it speaking of sex, we have a very hot guest for you today. As I mentioned at the top of the show, one of my inspirations Dr. Emily Morse will be joining me in just a moment, she’s going to tell us everything we need to know about building intimacy from first time sex and consent, all the way to reigniting the passion in a long term relationship. So if you’ve ever asked after what date Should I sleep with him? Does this sex mean the same thing to her as it means to me? am I even doing this right? Then this is the episode for you don’t go anywhere. Dr. Emily Morris is coming up in just

 

Unknown Speaker  13:49  

a moment.

 

Unknown Speaker  13:57  

We are back and I am here

 

Damona  13:59  

with the One and only Dr. Emily Morris. She has a PhD of human sexuality and she is the powerhouse behind one of my favorite podcasts sex with Emily. Please, please, please put your lips together give big smooches to Dr. Emily Morris. Hello.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:19  

Thank you for having me. I’m excited to be here.

 

Damona  14:22  

I am so glad to have you here. People have questions and like, I can only take them so far. But you can take them all the way. Emily, wave ready to go. And I will just talk first about your mission with sex with Emily. You talk about make wanting to make sex. Easy to talk about and yeah, so it’s so listable and like topics that a lot of people are sort of

 

Unknown Speaker  14:45  

sensitive about

 

Damona  14:47  

you make it just you just bring down the walls and make it so simple.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:51  

Exactly. I mean, that’s my main mission is because most of us are not comfortable talking about sex because we don’t have any great models for it. Our parents weren’t Talking about it most likely our friends weren’t talking about it. We have a lot of shame around it. We think love is good girls don’t talk about sex and and you know, then what is it? What What message Am I sending if I talk about sex, so there’s just, there’s just a way that I want people to feel more, you know,

 

Damona  15:18  

take away the shame and the and the stigma around it and just make it comfortable. Because really, when we’re sexually healthy, we’re healthy overall, it contributes to a healthy lifestyle overall. So I just try to get people to understand that that’s, it’s something that we need to do to have an overall healthy life get comfortable talking about sex, and then that actually improves our sex life. Absolutely. And so many of our listeners realize that it’s an important part of a relationship and many of them are single right now and wishing for that right relationship. So I want to talk a little bit about building intimacy through the different phases. Let’s begin at the beginning with the people that are just starting like let’s say COVID aside, quarantine aside, they are just beginning new relationships and beginning to be intimate one.

 

Unknown Speaker  16:04  

So this there are actually like for some say it’s five, there’s about four stages of intimacy that we talked about in relationships. And the first one is the infatuation phase. This is the honeymoon phase, the phase that we all crave. And we want to we always, are always trying to get back to this phase. And this is when we first meet someone and we just think, Wow, this person is so perfect for me. everything lines up. It’s like, like, we’re so alike. It’s sort of the infatuation stage and the kind of the diffusion stage. And it’s sort of like and there’s also a powerful like, neurochemical thing going on in our brains where we feel like a kind of altered state of consciousness going on. And it’s sort of like they look at the brainwave patterns of, of people like falling in love, and they’re like, God, it looks like either they’re in love or they do some kind of drugs because it’s very similar, right? It’s a very similar pairing, and there’s a good feeling of euphoria and connection. So that’s like the first stage that we just were like, wow, we are so fused. Everything is just this person is my everything.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:07  

Yeah.

 

Damona  17:08  

So then we move past that because I’ve had like, they’re my listeners are tired of me saying this so much, but there’s no such thing as love at first sight. Like there’s lust at first sight.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:18  

I say that too. I’m like you not love it is lost and that is totally fine. Lust happens, but you are not in love.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:27  

Okay, so how, how can we move on to love what’s the next stage they might Okay,

 

Unknown Speaker  17:32  

the next stage is the conflict and the power struggle.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:36  

This is when you have your first fight.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:39  

This is when you think, oh, like how do I differentiate myself from my partner? Like, maybe we’re not so much alike. You know, we struggle to exert like our individuality in a relationship. And there’s like conflict and you’re like, how can there be conflict in paradise? I didn’t realize, but that is the second stage. And that’s kind of where You know, people kind of last through this stage because some do. But the third stage, if you want me to skip to that that’s adjustment we call the adjustment and consolidation. And that’s where couples end up. This is where couples end the relationship. This is where divorce happens. This is where drugs addictions happen, people start drinking more. And a lot of people don’t get through these stages, it becomes a lot uglier. In this stage. We think Oh, wow. Like I remember the first stage. We’re like, Oh, my God, we are so perfect together. Everything’s amazing. And this is the stage where we’re like, there’s nothing we are nothing alike. And what am I going to do with each other?

 

Damona  18:34  

I’m sure a lot of people are feeling that right now.

 

Unknown Speaker  18:36  

Exactly, exactly. If this is the stage, we crave to get back to stage one. But I think a lot of people are in this stage right now. They might never have seen themselves going into this stage but because maybe we’re quarantined with somebody, and there’s so much strife and there’s we don’t have the conflict resolution skills to get us past the stages is is really where people are, are stuck right? And so I urge people to, you know, to kind of take a beat and realize that we’ve never been in this place before. And there’s like a, there’s an anxiety level that’s like in the ether in the universe right now we’re sort of all experiencing it from every angle, at work and at home and just the consciousness of everyone is sort of a heightened state of unknown anxiety, confusion. And then you put on top of that the person that has to be your most comfort in your joy. Now they’re giving you some strife, it feels like so I just, I mean, I recommend people reaching out and using their resources. I’m a huge fan of therapy. And I think that right now, there’s a lot of therapists I’d say the majority of them are offering online therapy and online coaching right now. And just know that it’s okay. You don’t have to solve it on your own because it’s this kind of language and dialogue that you have with your partner that’s gotten you here. So you’re going to need someone else you’re going to need some more tools from the outside to help you and it’s totally okay. Just like we hire a coach for work, a business coach, a trainer to get in shape a nutritionist, you might need one for your relationship right now. Absolutely. I totally believe in that if you’re single, like, same thing, we agree on the right therapy right now. Right?

 

Damona  20:14  

Right. So what’s on the other side of that Emily? solve the conflicts. Right.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:18  

Okay. So, um, the conflict, right? And, and when you get to this is the stage where this is the maturation stage where you mature, you have learned to differentiate, and this is true intimacy, like you’ve worked through your deepest wounds, you have really figured out, you know, who you are, you’ve gone to the dark places of intimacy as you shared it with your partner. And this is the stage where you say, Wow, we are nothing alike. And that’s beautiful. We are nothing alike. And that’s why we work because we support each other. We come together with these beautiful skills. And we’ve, we’ve, we’ve matured together, we’ve grown it and again, this doesn’t mean that you’ve been together 25 years. This could happen quickly. I mean, this can happen over a year this year. You know, it typically won’t happen in less than a year. But it depends how much work you’ve done individually coming together as well. The comments have you grown? How much have you looked at your past? wounds your childhood, your past relationships? have you dealt with abuse and trauma and anger? And, you know, there’s always work to do, but how much and how much are you both willing to work? Like, sometimes there’s one person who, who’s so into growth mindset and growing together and there’s someone’s like, no, we’re fine. I everything I’ve done is fine. I need to work and grow. I’m really good here. And that’s, that’s tough. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  21:34  

one person wants to grow and another person does not.

 

Damona  21:37  

Yeah, absolutely. You both have to be on the same page. And it’s also I would, I would add into the mix, you have to also be able to trust one another. And that’s, and I know that’s an element of all the work that you do, like if you are going to be intimate with someone whether it’s emotionally intimate or sexually intimate. There’s a level of trust you have to build when you say

 

Unknown Speaker  21:57  

absolutely, I mean, that’s the other thing is that you’ve built trust. See, I just kind of ran through those like quickly, but it’s like you. Yes, I mean trust is. Trust is something that you when you have it you have in your relationship and you don’t really think about it because it’s there. But once trust is broken in a relationship, it can be really difficult to heal, especially on your own. And the couples who like I hear from couples all the time, who say or it’s one person who says, well, but partner cheated on me and it’s been rough ever since. But I should be over it already. Or then the or the person who did the cheating says to me, why isn’t my partner over? And it’s like, well, what work have you done? Just saying I’m sorry, doesn’t gonna do it, or just because years or has passed, those wounds are still there. So you have to sort of rebuild, but you have to do that together. And again, I believe that can best be done in therapy. And it’s very hard to rebuild trust on your own. But yeah, trust is huge. That’s a big part of intimacy is couples like, like having trust, having integrity in the relationship. You know, broke broke through. It’s messy. They broken things down. They’ve rebuilt them. And they’ve they’ve stayed together and, and only like they say like only 5% of couples get to that that last stage of intimacy that really get there and really do it. Yeah. I mean,

 

Unknown Speaker  23:11  

I’m hoping I’m their girl.

 

Damona  23:14  

Living the dream, living the dream, but like, I want to go back for the listeners that are still single. When you’re building trust with someone new, that’s really, really hard. And a lot of times I get the question about when to be intimate with someone when to have sex. And then how do you even talk like, should you talk about it before you have sex? What’s the a DA, being? Sexy?

 

Unknown Speaker  23:40  

It’s a great question. I mean, I do believe that. That in order for us to be in a sexually healthy relationship with to be if we’re going to be having sex with someone, we have to be comfortable talking about it. The problem is where we’re at today in 2020s, that most people no matter what their age are, their their their backgrounds, their everything. They will not come through with it. We don’t have models. We don’t have people have done it. But I do believe and I do know this, the couples who are the healthiest and have the best sex lives are able to talk about it. And so I think before you talk about your before you have sex somewhat with someone how great to just say like, how important is sex to you in the relationship? You know, what kind of things are you into? I actually you could say I, it’s something that I’ve been on a journey to figuring out or getting comfortable talking about sex. I don’t have a lot of experience with talking about sex, but I know that it’s important. So would you be willing to be a partner that could talk about it with me, we could talk about what we like and what we’re into and what we don’t like or if we’ve never done this a we can figure it out together. But I know that sex is a really important part of a relationship. And I think, yeah, I mean, I think the sooner we talk about it, the better especially after you start having sex with someone. I don’t believe in this. Let’s wait a few months while it’s still really great. Cuz that’s when you should talk about it. Maybe just talk about how great it is or the things that you really liked about it. But it’s fun. Because we’re in relationships, and we’ll talk about like, we go to a movie, and we’ll talk about how much we liked the movie will have gone to dinner and we’ll say like, wasn’t a delicious meal. Well, yeah. didn’t love the appetizers. But I really enjoyed the, the main course. Well, we I don’t know if I’d go back there again. But sex we just like, we have the sex, and then it’s over. And then we don’t ever talk about it. And then no one knows

 

Unknown Speaker  25:20  

how it went.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:23  

Down.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:25  

Like, were we in a different, like, read a different thing here. We read different movies where we had a different,

 

Damona  25:30  

but a lot of times people are in different movies when they’re there.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:33  

They

 

Unknown Speaker  25:35  

thought that’s great. And the other is like, this is terrible. I don’t want to do this again. We’re sex in

 

Unknown Speaker  25:39  

my life. Exactly. So how great to be able to talk about it and a lot of my show. It’s funny. People hear the name sex with me. They think Oh, God, I don’t know if I’m ready for that. And I have to tell you that most of what I talk about is getting people comfortable communicating about it. I always say communication is a lubrication. And the more that we talk about taxi, we get comfortable with sex the much better stuff We’re going to have but it’s just getting to that place of, of breaking down the walls together and saying, like, I know this is awkward, but I really think it’s I know that it’s going to help us. So yeah, kind of talking about what your greatest memories are together, like, give her if it’s new thing, like, let’s talk about what did you like about last night and you don’t have to get into what you didn’t like yet because I have a whole process for that. But maybe to start off by complimenting your parents, and God, I really enjoyed the way you kissed my neck. When you kissed my neck, I felt these things run through my body that I haven’t felt in forever. And just affirming. So they know because maybe there was other things that you didn’t like, the let’s lead with the positive. I think we all like to hear the things that you do well, so that’s kind of like for early stage of relationships. I’ve other practices for the stuff we don’t like but I think just really enforcing reinforcing things that went well is harmful.

 

Damona  26:52  

I want to get into how you talk about this stuff if you don’t like and you have some questions actually in the next segment about that.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:57  

But consent comes up A lot

 

Damona  27:00  

for my listeners that are dating and just beginning to have sex. You know, Emily, I’m just going to ask you, I had a conversation off air with another with a male dating coach. I know. And we were talking about consent, and he was talking about like sexy ways that guys can ask for consent. And then he said, I don’t believe in asking for consent for a kiss. And I was like, Well, now we’re like, separating the process of intimacy. I want to get your take on that.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:30  

Well, I believe that there’s a really I think that in this day and age, there’s that Yeah, ask for consent for case i think i think there’s ways that you could do it. That’s really consensual. That’s really like, consensually, it’s positive. Again, consensual comes off as consensual, not offensive and kind of sexy. So you could just say I

 

Unknown Speaker  27:52  

What about just like, I’d really like to kiss you right now. Yeah, I can’t stop thinking about kissing you. Would you Be open i mean i’m really thinking about I can’t stop thinking about kissing you Would that be okay? How would you feel about that? And like looking at someone in their eyes and saying like,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:10  

like that’s the way it’s not like

 

Unknown Speaker  28:11  

I would you mind if I kissed you right now like it’s all it’s all energy yeah I think saying like you know I would really like to kiss you right now how how does that feel to you it’s just a really honest Looking in their eyes you feel seen and maybe you don’t want to but I’ve had guys say that to me. And even though it was really sweet I’m like, oh God, thank you for letting me know that. I’m not feeling that right now but I so I let’s keep talking I’ll let you know if I if that if my position on that changes. You know,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:42  

I’m glad that you can be so honest about that moment. I think a lot of women feel bad saying no to a case or even saying no to sex.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:54  

You’re such a good point here. Yeah,

 

Damona  28:56  

I hate that. We we don’t even you know, we we’re kind of Meaning that we are supposed to be polite, like, how can we get that kind of

 

Unknown Speaker  29:04  

confidence? Right to Mona like, this is the thing is that people is that. So I’ve talked about this a lot on my show. My show as well is that so many women we just have like we just say yes, because it’s so much easier than saying no, like I always I did a speech once. I was like, how many of you have just had sex? Because it was easier than saying now like, how many of you like given that blow job because you’re like,

 

Unknown Speaker  29:27  

raising my hand.

 

Unknown Speaker  29:29  

Same thing, and it’s like, why is it so hard? And I think it’s because we don’t we’re pleasers. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We don’t want to come off as prude. We don’t want to come off as we don’t want to deal with conflict. And so it’s like, and I love that we’re having this conversation because I think it’s like first off for some women. They’re like, Oh, I can say no, like literally they don’t know they can say no. Well, the person already came to my room. I’ve already invited him to my home or we’re already on a date and they bought me a nice dinner and donate. Oh, oh them. You don’t know what else You don’t owe anybody anything but your real truth and your real honesty said in the most, in the kindest way possible in the most like, me doesn’t have to be kind of someone’s being aggressive. But I would, I would, I’ve learned that there’s nuances that to it, and I think of how to say no. And so. So usually what’s happened perhaps, historically, is that and this is sort of a somatic practice. As a medic therapy practice, I’m a trained somatic sex therapist as well. And what I mean by somatic is, is it being in your body, so embodied and really paying attention to when someone comes towards you, or someone’s touching you? How does it make you feel? And so what happens is so So an example would be, let’s say, someone and we probably had this experience where perhaps they just escalated a little bit too quickly. Like maybe the kiss happened. Like, I’ll give you the example of the kiss I just use so maybe someone tried to kiss me. I just I’ve had guys say, like, should we just kiss right now and get over it? And I’m like, no. No, not right now. But just because I say no doesn’t mean that maybe we truly could revisit this later. Or maybe Okay, so no better example that’s maybe more relatable to people is say you start making out with someone, and it’s getting hot and heavy, and then they start to put their hand on your pants. And it’s not like you wouldn’t want that. Eventually, maybe in an hour, maybe next time I see you, maybe in a month from now. But sometimes the whole it shuts out. We just wanted to what we really wanted that moment was just keep making out. We loved making out with this person. And so so so my experience be getting in touch and feeling like, Oh, I felt me get tense right now I’m not ready for that. And then being able to have the word say, put your hand on their, you know, on their hand and say, I’m not feeling that right now. But I’m really enjoying making out with you. So let’s keep doing that. Or I need to take a beat for a moment. Can we just pause on that for a second? I’m so loved loving getting to know you right now. So that signals to them I’m not saying gay. Go home, get in your car leave my house. I’m saying this is escalating beyond where I want it to go right now. And I’m sort of enjoying the arousal process of getting to know you the kissing. And I think we will often either just think we got to shut it down or we got to keep going. And we don’t realize that there’s a nuance to the process of arousal because most men if we’re talking about heterosexual relationships, for example, men escalate quicker than women. Men get aroused and turned on they have more of a responsive desire they respond to things happening in the moment or women or women are more responsive like we need things to build where men are spontaneous, they get aroused a lot quicker. Women are slow cookers and men are frying pan. So literally in that same moment of making out there ready to go to third base to us little tournament. We’re like no, I love getting to know your lips. So sad. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  32:53  

yeah. And I love how you keep

 

Damona  32:54  

reiterating what it is that you like and even when you are giving a credit direction or a reset of the energy. It’s still with a reminder that you like where you are what

 

Unknown Speaker  33:08  

if you just

 

Unknown Speaker  33:10  

don’t you’re not feeling it at all and you need to send a very Okay,

 

Unknown Speaker  33:13  

great distinction so I think if you’re not feeling it you just stop and you say and this happened to me very recently.

 

Unknown Speaker  33:20  

Tell us about it.

 

Unknown Speaker  33:21  

Oh god you guys I’m telling you this is this work is not it’s not like I’m a pro at it I just in the moment sometimes it’s still always a little bit uncomfortable because you feel bad and all those things come up. I’m just telling you ways to do it that are you know, that are a little more that feel good to everybody involved. So I had to say I we were going to make no for round and I thought I’m not feeling this guy anymore. It’s just it. I had already had some hesitations. And I just stopped and I looked him I said, you know, what, can we slow down for a second? And I said, I I gotta tell you, I so love spending time with you. But but but in this moment, right now, I’m feeling like we got to just kind of take a pause. And can we just get up and just kind of go back to my living room. Just kind of chat and then we move down he was it okay. Okay, I said Listen, I’ve just so I have a lot of things happening in my life right now. And this is all true. And I just said I I’m not feeling like I’m in a place to be really physical with you right now but I’ve so enjoyed our time and let’s just do need a glass of water and let’s talk and I was just, I was working through in the moment as well because I’ve learned that if I am not fully on board and my whole body’s out of hell, yes, I can it’s a violation to who I am as a woman as myself. I can’t keep going so I had to say it but I’m saying can be clunky and I feel bad but then I’m he got it though it is it okay. Like I understand you. Let’s talk. I wasn’t saying get the hell out. I wasn’t I was like, let me explain my process. So

 

Unknown Speaker  34:41  

yeah, the other thing that you did

 

Damona  34:42  

that’s really great is you really stayed in the moment like I’m always telling my listeners not to get ahead of themselves, like you weren’t, like, This guy has to get out right now because I don’t know where this is going. You just are like right now this doesn’t feel right to me. And so I’m just going to react to this moment. Exactly, yeah. And that’s a lot of pressure off yourself, right? Because when you’re when you start thinking about, like, what happened before what happened after I mean, that’s another thing like people that have had sex before that realize they don’t want to have sex with someone again, it’s kind of like you were saying earlier, there’s this feeling like, well, if we’ve already had sex, we might as well just have sex again. Now, right, you always have a chance to choose right?

 

Unknown Speaker  35:21  

Every you have a chance to choose in every moment and with every relationship and with every encounter, to be to, to to change your mind. And when we’re present. So what we’re talking about is when we go into an experience like that, where we’re like, I gotta get out, we go into fight or flight. And we go into the future in the past. We don’t make great decisions for ourselves. So to say, we’ll say like, go back to right now in this moment, I am not feeling it. We have totally we have agency over that and you don’t owe anybody anything. You don’t owe anybody another kiss, another sex another date, like really don’t and I think that is women. This is just like we’re breaking, you know, so many years of this stigma and this feeling that women just have to and we owe it to men, and we just don’t We don’t, and we could take care of ourselves and it’s our bodies, our choices, and all those things are really real. And I think the more that we do that in every situation, we’re going to be just so much, so much better set up for our relationship that we can teach our daughters or nieces or the women in our life. How to do that as well.

 

Unknown Speaker  36:17  

Yeah, paradigm. It is. Thank you for reiterating that. Okay, I want to go back, you said that you had some tips in case you you need to give someone some

 

Unknown Speaker  36:32  

constructive criticism. Yes. How do we do that?

 

Unknown Speaker  36:36  

Okay, I love the compliment sandwich. So, do you want to give me an example of something you might want to correct? It can be from your life damona or anywhere else? Like what would be something that you might want to give feedback or that you’ve heard from your listeners? Oh, I don’t like the way.

 

Damona  36:50  

Is there anything? Actually I did get a DM when I was asking for questions about a woman who said she has trouble climaxing during oral sex

 

Unknown Speaker  37:01  

with boyfriend. All right. So that is such a common a common thing. So I, so well that’s, that’s interesting because so what she might be saying is,

 

Unknown Speaker  37:12  

Okay, here we go. So she’d say babe, sweetie, okay, here’s my first step

 

Unknown Speaker  37:17  

outside the bedroom. Number one, you do not have the conversations about what you’d like to change, or giving feedback to your partner in the bedroom after a sex act. Because we’re in a heightened state of arousal. Maybe we’ve just we’re connected where I like the bedrooms. I like that for sleeping and for sex. But when we’re gonna have a conversation about our sex life, do it when you are in an environment where you’re kind of chilling, you keep it light, maybe you’ve just had a drink, you’re at dinner, you’re going for a walk. I love walking and having conversations on a road trip because these conversations can be so awkward and uncomfortable at first. You don’t have to make eye contact if you’re driving your car like okay, babe, I think we should talk about our sex like that. That concept

 

Unknown Speaker  38:01  

is the environment for any conflict IV.

 

Unknown Speaker  38:04  

any conflict, get in the car time to walk the dog with you again. So then so then you say okay, so I realized that I want to talk to you about I’ve been thinking about our sex life. This is the compliment sandwich. And, and you start with something you love. I think that it’s been lately the way you’ve been. The way it’s been a lot slower lately. And I love the way you’ve been like making out and that thing you did with your tongue and my on my neck or my ear felt so good. Like, I feel like we’ve really been, you know, connecting lately in that way. And I realized that when you go down on me it is so it’s like my favorite thing. It’s so hot. I get really aroused. And lately I haven’t been able to orgasm. I was thinking that perhaps if we took a little bit more time with it, and I could have a few more. You know, sometimes I feel guilty because I feel like I’m taking too much time. And I feel like if we He just kind of settle in, I knew that you were kind of into it as well that I would definitely have the most explosive orgasms, and then the last piece of the bread would be, and I know that when I’m really turned on and having orgasms, it just makes me want to have sex every day. He

 

Unknown Speaker  39:15  

want and that’s what he wants. He never wants

 

Unknown Speaker  39:18  

  1. So I mean, that was a lot. You know, that was. That was I was also answering the A common question that women have about why can I orgasm during oral sex? And typically, it’s because women are, well, we can sum up the compliment sandwich first and I’ll get into oral like, but typically you want to be very positive. You want to stay curious. You don’t want to be accusatory or blame I’ve told you so many times to go down. I mean more, why doesn’t this happen? Because the second you do that they’re just out the door. So really, it’s just here’s what I love. Here’s why this would be great in a suggestion and then ending with like, the reason why it’s great for both of you is my best tip.

 

Damona  39:53  

I love that. I love the compliment sandwich. I have so many questions Emily. I would love to just keep on talking You feel like questions, but so many people have submitted their questions. So I’m gonna roll on into our next segment. Do you have questions and Emily and I have answers. So now it’s time for your favorite segment. And I just want to remind everybody, these are going to be a little bit more R rated than usual. But Emily, I’m sure these are no biggie for you. You got it? Yeah, no questions like this all the time. Our first one comes to us from Katie from Canada. She says, My husband needs a few days between sex sessions, or he can’t get hard. Is this normal? And just to give you a little bit more background, because I followed up with her She said she’s 31 He’s 37. She’s never noticed the refractory time before, but since the quarantine she’s noticed that if she tries to initiate again that day or days following it doesn’t lead anywhere or he’s not able to and that feels like a long time.

 

Unknown Speaker  41:00  

Okay, got it? That’s that’s a great question. And I love that she gave me his age because when people email me their questions, it’s really important to people’s age and to know where they’re at So, so, if you’re 37 if he’s 37 so here’s what I think the refractory time for men meaning the time it takes for them to be able to have sex again after they ejaculate. You know, when you’re younger men can kind of keep going. And when they get a little bit older, it can be challenging, but 37 is still young, typically, men start to see challenges around erections. And around in their 40s is when there’s a drop in testosterone. And so what I would think what my first hit from this is that what the first thing is, it could be medical, it could be testosterone drop, it could be if he’s taking any medications, the first thing to look at is as you change anything at all, is he drinking more? Is he on a medication, there’s a lot of medications that actually impact our ability to get to have an erection to have an orgasm. So that’s what we got to look at a lot anything medical, and then we take away all of that. Listen We are in a time of tremendous stress and anxiety, which already before quarantine is the number one killer of our sex drive. When we are stressed, and we are anxious, especially men, I find this in men more than women, when men are concerned about money, their job, something happening, their ability to be in the masculine and take care of the family like that really has an impact on their desire. And so I don’t know that you should be concerned. But I think that maybe I would tell Katie to go a little bit deeper. And just like how I said, to have the conversation about sex in a neutral environment, the same thing goes for this kind of thing. Just say, I’ve been thinking about you. And I know you said it’s gonna take a few days is it you know, tell me about how you feel? Is there anything we could do? You’re doing in a way to help that like, I can’t believe it, you’re not getting turned on because a lot of times what women we do is we think oh, he’s not attracted to me anymore. Something’s wrong with me. Or, you know, and just being like, supportive and saying like, well, let’s take a look at it. Let’s take a look at like your medication, or do you think it could be something stressful Something I could do to help you more like relax right now because a couple days is a long time, like in the sense of like, I’m sure he could still get turned on but I feel like there he might just have other things on his mind right now is what is what I’m thinking. Yeah,

 

Damona  43:14  

I’ve been hearing that couples in quarantine together are actually having more sex right now. So I wonder also if she’s been like, does this

 

Unknown Speaker  43:23  

I don’t know that you’re hearing everything Okay, so I’m hearing that there’s some couples who are like, Oh my god, it’s so great. We’re both home now. I’m not traveling as much for work and we’re just having this time that we’ve always craved. other couples are like, I’m going to there’s nothing sexy about living in this one bedroom apartment and I’ll be doing and staring each other and that is not hot. Because something about you becoming one of candles eroticism when you don’t have the surprise and the mystery in the spotlight at all that is just washed away with this quarantine. So I actually, I don’t want to put any more pressure on everyone. Like I think it’s different across the board. But but maybe Yeah, maybe Katie’s feeling like she wants it more because maybe he’s been away a lot now. Homework. And maybe he’s trying to figure out how to work at home. And how do I make sense of this all. And he’s just really stressed and is more distracted right now. And so maybe creating a space for them and their relationship where they can separate from work and creating a time where they’re scheduling sex, which is one of my best tips for couples always and right now to say, I know that we’re having sex these three days this week, so you’re not one of you isn’t feeling like you’re always rejecting their partner, or someone wants it more than the other. But when you can plan it, and you know, like sex is happening eight o’clock on Saturday, you can kind of start to look forward to it. You can get ready, you can shower, you can shave what you can like, talk about the things you want to do. And then that becomes your activity that you’re both going to share and it works better for for both usually.

 

Damona  44:43  

Yeah, and what else do we have to do right now? Exactly right. I’m all about the date night so I had to make a date night appointment with my husband like after the kids go to bed. Saturday night, your mind. Now he knows this. He knows what’s coming. Okay. We talked about women and oral sex but from the other side This question comes to us from Ashley on Instagram. She says, My boyfriend can’t climax from a blow job trying to deal with my ego thinking it’s just me any tips?

 

Unknown Speaker  45:17  

Great question, Ashley. I hear this all the time. First off, it is not you I wish I could just talk to the collective conscious of women and be like most of the things that are happening with your boyfriend’s your partner’s penis has nothing to do with you. It’s very common that men cannot orgasm from blowjob and and so it could be a lot of reasons it could be the way he masturbates. It could be the way he’s holding his penis. It could be because he’s watching a lot of porn. And it is harder for him to masturbate with with a mouse there is. Now also I want to say yeah, maybe there’s something else that he wants sexually. And you’re allowed to say to him God, I really love performing oral on you. I’d love to know your best tips of how I can make it the best blow job ever. But I wouldn’t ask him in the moment, I would say I’m going to or I would say I want to start asking your next time when you show me what you love because I want to be your best ever. You could do that as well, Ashley but there are I’m hearing this more and more lately that there’s just a lot of men who just aren’t orgasming from blowjobs and I just I’ve always heard it but something lately and I have a hunch it has to do with porn. Because I believe that men are watching so much that’s a whole nother show. We could do more and watching But yeah, I do believe that I’m not like anti porn by any means I get that it serves its purpose. But when we have one way of holding ourselves and one way of generating pleasing ourselves, it can be challenging to bring anyone else into the mix even if she’s like a you know, expert porn star, whatever like doesn’t for a living, it can still be challenging. So best take your ego out of it and just get some healthy communication with your partner.

 

Unknown Speaker  46:53  

That’s great advice, Emily.

 

Damona  46:55  

Okay, this one is another Instagram question from Shannon. She says, what does it mean when your new boyfriend goes limp when you get on top of them? He says he’s had this problem in his last relationships, too. He can function in other positions, but he climaxes quickly.

 

Unknown Speaker  47:15  

Okay, Shannon, this is a great question too. It’s like, I wish we knew her age, but I’m telling you, it sounds like she might be a little bit. I don’t know, younger. I don’t know why I have this sense. But I feel that men have penis challenges, trust him that he has that trust that it’s happened in his past relationship.

 

Unknown Speaker  47:33  

And

 

Unknown Speaker  47:36  

when you get on top of him,

 

Unknown Speaker  47:40  

I mean, okay, so most of the challenges that men face with their penis have to do with anxiety and has to do with things that have happened in a situation that’s happened in the past. And all men want to do is perform. They want to be great lovers. They want to stay at heart and they want to keep going. But sometimes if things have happened in the past, it even only takes one time. We’re like, Oh, no, I’m going to get soft and this isn’t, you know, this, this, this keeps happening over and over again. And then they are they’re reinforcing it and their behavior. It’s a what it means is I think again, you have to kind of understand what kind of like what positions, he functions in other positions, but he climaxes quickly does he climax. So what I’m hearing then is that in every position, he climax quickly, but then when you get on top, he gets soft. So it’s just it’s almost like you’re having, these are challenges that you’re having. And

 

Unknown Speaker  48:33  

yeah, and that’s her favorite position. She was saying that’s the that’s the position that she can come in most easily. But he can’t perform in that can perform that

 

Unknown Speaker  48:44  

way. Well, here’s the other thing I want to say is what I believe that if he gets limp, he can probably he can get harder again. So what we have to do when our partners get limp is not freaked out and not ended just because they’re like, Oh my god, I can’t believe it. You could be like it’s okay baby and then you could go down And again, you can start to touch him, you can use some lube, you can like, get him hard again, because just because he got soft, doesn’t mean that it can’t come back and again in a moment, but it’s the both of you that collective, he’s going, I didn’t say that often you’re like, he’s not hard, and then it becomes a thing, but just be like, it’s okay, babe. And then you could kind of work around, make out again, do some other things. And I guarantee you, he’s going to get hard again. I mean, I’ll come back. And that’s a training thing, and then you get back on top of them. And then if it happens, again, you go back down again. And I think once you both realize that he can get hard again, it’s gonna be able to come back. This is what I’ve experienced with with people, it’s just a matter of retraining, what what means sex is over what means you know what I mean? So I think baby does have experience with that position. And he really think the reason why he’s getting soft is because I think he probably really wants to be there and deliver and he just can’t. So it’s kind of retraining. It’s almost like creating new neural pathways in the brain. That’s what it’s about.

 

Damona  49:56  

Knowing Yes, well, and it sounds like this relationship is knew, but I often hear from people in long term relationships that they want to try new things or they get to this Roadblock, and they don’t really know how to take things in a different direction. What do you say to that?

 

Unknown Speaker  50:15  

Oh, it’s it’s a great question because that is so common that couples are like, what what do we do? What where do we go? We’ve got

 

Damona  50:19  

our friend Emily.

 

Unknown Speaker  50:21  

Exactly. I was gonna say, Come on, girl. It’s okay. But the first thing is, is communicating about it and saying what? I think we can both agree that we want to be the greatest lovers to each other ever. And I love all these things about relationship but there’s I feel like there’s so much more that we don’t even know we’ve been together so long would you can we can we make this our thing right now? Can we figure out what would be super hot for both of us? And a great place to start is you each talk about maybe you will share the most memorable time you’ve had sex like what is the top three moments for you? Like it could be like something that happened or position or glance or a look? And then just by you explaining that And then your partner coming back to you and saying his times, there’s so much detail. There’s so much information just in those moments like, like, the most memorable time could be, you know, when you guys were on vacation, and oftentimes on vacation because there’s no distractions, and maybe you were in a hotel room, and then all of a sudden, like someone else walked in and saw you. And then you’re like, Okay, well, there was no distractions, the window was open, and then someone else walked in. So there was like, the element of surprise, or maybe voyeurism. Or maybe it was it was going really slow. And he was slowly it was the way that he slowly addressed you. Or maybe you had a blindfold on. I mean, there’s intelligence in these in these moments. So I think once we find out these are the things that that worked, and why you like them, and then your partner would share the same things and you can say, Okay, well, let’s do more of that. So that’s a great place to start. Another thing is just to get smart together and a lot of couples Listen, I’ve found over the years I’ve been doing this for 15 years. The podcasts a lot of couples listen together to my show. And they’re like, Oh, well Emily says this and, you know, use me like, I don’t care if people blame me and they’re like, well, like you can stop and be like, what do you think about us trying watching porn together or buying some sex toys together? That is mostly what we’re missing. It’s not that we don’t love our partner, but we’re missing novelty. We’re missing something new and different. So it’s like toys, getting ideas, research, reading a book together, listening to my show, just finding new ways to connect. You know, it could just be even outside the bedroom, like our same bedroom over day over day can get boring. Everything does after a while,

 

Damona  52:36  

especially sex. Thank you for those tips. I’ll be sure to pass them on to my friend. This was awesome. Thank you so much for joining me Emily. I’m so glad to have you on dates and maybe

 

Unknown Speaker  52:47  

you for having me. I’m so honored. And

 

Damona  52:52  

y’all you got to get listening to the sex with Emily podcast or check her out on Sirius XM stars channel 109. She’s on every day. You can find her on your favorite podcast platform. And hey, like she said, you can use the podcast as a jumping off point for your next sex talk. Thanks so much for being here.

 

Unknown Speaker  53:11  

Thank you for having me.

 

Damona  53:13  

We have made it through Episode 308 of dates and mates. I actually did an interview on Emily’s podcast too, and I’ll put a link in the show notes or you can join Patreon, where I’m adding the cliffsnotes versions of all of my media interviews and podcasts that I’ve appeared on. I’ll bullet out everything you need to know so you can follow along and soak up the most important info. But that’s not everything you would get from being in my patreon Friends with Benefits Program. I also have a step by step video training on how to start online dating today. Plus in a few days on Wednesday, the sixth of May, I’ll be dropping a new video training on how to tell if someone is good match for you on Tinder. Just using Facial analysis techniques work. Yes, watch the mind of some of our listeners being blown as they experience the brilliance of a live facial analysis by Susan. I bet, y’all Honestly, this is like a game changer info. It’s all going down in the Patreon. You can get all of these resources for you starting at just five bucks a month@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. I’d love to have you join the community. In the meantime, please, let’s let’s connect. I’m on all the socials at damona Hoffman. And I love hearing from you all all of these questions that we’ve been getting are so rich and layered. And I know that there are a lot of you nodding your head to these questions going, Oh, that’s a problem for me too. And if you’re thinking that then I want to hear what your question is, because I guarantee you it’s going to help somebody else who is listening to the show. Don’t forget to share, share what you’ve learned, share this episode and Please join me again next week all my subscribers get the episodes the minute that they post until next week.

 

Unknown Speaker  55:06  

I wish you comfortable face masks and happy dating

5 Binge Worthy Dates & Mates Episodes

New to the Dates & Mates Podcast and Damona Hoffman? Here’s where you start.

 

 

Episode 387: Thirst Traps & How To Date A Celeb

Damona is joined by Emmy-nominated actress and Transgender Rights Activist, Laverne Cox (YES, THEE LAVERNE COX). She dishes all about how she found love on Tinder, her dating app strategy as a trans woman, & how she responds to being fetishized on dating apps. If there’s one sentence that summarizes this episode, it’s when Laverne said “don’t disrespect yourself by accepting less than what you’re looking for in love.”

Read the full recap here…

 

Episode 400: Dr. Drew & The Big 400

As it’s the 400th episode of Dates & Mates, Damona is talking with the man that started it all. The OG, the GOAT of dating and relationship advice, and host of the Loveline radio show for over 30 years – it’s Dr. Drew Pinsky! Damona and Drew answer listener questions throughout the episode, and his top tips for “doing the dance of dating.”

Read more about Dr. Drew here!

 

Episode 402: The 7 Love Styles & Doppelbangers

We’ve all heard of the Five Love Languages – AKA words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch. And most times, you can’t go on a first date without someone asking you what your love language is.

But fun fact: did you know that the love languages were created in the 80’s? Former therapist Molly Owens thought it was time for a refresh, and we agree. Molly is the CEO of Truity, one of the leading providers of research-backed personality tests, and created the 7 Love Styles.

Read here to figure out what love style you are…

 

Episode 431: Green Flags & Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday

Nick Viall, former star of The Bachelor and host of The Viall Files podcast, joins Dates & Mates for a 2nd time to talk about his new book, “Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday.” Damona and Nick also deliberate our generation’s crucial questions: Does bad texting mean bad communication? How can we stop feeling stuck in our dating lives? And what really is the difference between a player and a f**kboy?

Find out the answers here!

 

Episode 450: Code-Switching Valentine & Smart Sex

Damona’s long-time friend and colleague Emily Morse, host of the Sex With Emily podcast, sits down with Damona for a special (and might I say, spicy) Valentine’s episode of Dates & Mates! Damona and Emily dive into what “great sex” actually looks like, and how to take control of your own arousal.

Plus, did you know you have a Sex IQ?? We didn’t either. Emily shares how you can figure out yours.

Read more about it here!

 

Dates & Mates is here to give you all the latest & greatest information you need on dating. Are there any topics you want Damona to discuss on the podcast? Let us know! DM Damona on all the socials @DamonaHoffman OR email asst@damonahoffman.com.

LA Times: Dear Damona

L.A. love coach Damona Hoffman tackles dating and relationship questions on her weekly podcast, “Dates & Mates.” Here, she shares answers to the questions she’s getting about love in the time of coronavirus:

  • I’ve been chatting with someone on a dating app for a few weeks. What is the best way to move things to the next level since we can’t meet in person?
  • I miss my ex and I’ve been tempted to reach out and check on him. Good idea?
  • I love my wife, but her quirks are driving me up the wall right now. Like why does she load the dishwasher like that? Should I say something or bite my tongue?

Read Damona’s answers HERE!

Tall Guy Vibe & Keeping It Cute

SHOULD HEIGHT REALLY MATTER IN DATING?

On today’s episode of the Dates & Mates podcast, Damona sits down with Vince Gauglione, long-time friend of the show and author of “Why Are You Still Single? An Average Joe’s Take on What’s Really Going On in the Dating Pool and What You Can Do to Stay Afloat.”

Vinca and Damona discuss if height really matters in today’s world, the biggest pet peeves men have in dating, and his new book on why you’re still single

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

DATING DISH (2:00)

Something you need to know…

This week is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Damona covers everything you need to know. If you or someone you know needs help, call Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

via GIPHY

 

A Netflix show you will hate to love or love to hate

Is Too Hot To Handle hot or not? It’s stirring up a lot of controversy for its potentially detrimental messages on sex and love. Damona has thoughts.

via GIPHY

Relationship Stress Strategies

John and Julie Gottman – some of Damona’s most trusted researchers on love and relationships – give their tips to reduce relationship stress during this time.

via GIPHY

TALL GUY VIBE (12:00)

You’ve heard love advice from the experts, now the average joes:

According to Vince, men have a few dating pet peeves we should all know about:

  • Unrealistic Dating Profiles
  • Too much shorthand in DMs
  • Too much phone time on dates
  • When their date makes it obvious that they’re just checking off boxes “ideal-mate must-haves” list

 

He goes into detail on this, PLUS he gives us his opinion as a 5’7 man trying to find love:


Find Vince at www.vinceguaglione.com and make sure to pick up a copy of his book and follow him on Facebook, @theaveragejoesdatingconfessional

TECHNICALLY DATING (38:00)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email from Jacqueline – During this time of Covid19 pandemic I’m looking to get back into online dating. In this time of pandemic no salons are open so no makeover for me do I go with “the best I can” look due to circumstances and not let it be a deterrent for my profile?
  • IG message – A guy and i matched on Bumble prior to all of this happening, but never got the chance to meet up. We have FaceTimed twice (first time was 2 hrs!) and text/Instagram every day. Finding it hard now that it’s almost 2 months in to keep up conversation beyond daily Groundhog Day happenings. Also hard to not get too emotionally invested when you talk daily and you don’t know where the other person stands (if they are talking or other people) and you haven’t even met yet so what position are you in to ask?! Any tips for keeping an even mind and things to chat about until we have a chance to meet?

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

 

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers. Those of you who follow dates and mates for a while now know that I am all about getting clear on the true criteria that you need in your future or current life partner. And it’s not a secret that I have been campaigning for daters to take height completely off their list. Back in February, during the five q fab series, Bella Gandhi and I had a little conversation that was rather controversial. For some of our listeners. We are of the opinion that height shouldn’t matter in today’s world, but not all of our listeners are in agreement with that. So today, we’re getting a man’s perspective on dating As a short guy from Vince Gagliano, he’s a longtime listener of dates and mates. And he’s a successful author with a new book that’s all about his dating experiences. More on that later. But first, we have headlines this week, including something important that you need to be aware of this month, and a new Netflix series that you will love to hate, or hate to love. Plus a few tips to make marriage and quarantining a little less stressful. Then, after my chat with Vince, I will be answering your questions, including how to keep it cute for dating during quarantine, and how to have better conversations with the Bumble Bay you’ve never met. Then in the last segment of the show, I will make a very big announcement that you won’t want to miss. And now it’s time for the dish, these dating dish. So it’s April and that means yes, it’s tax month and financial literacy. The month, which I could do a whole episode on, but even more importantly, right now, it’s also Sexual Abuse Awareness Month. And I have to admit, I went back and forth on whether or not to include something in the show about that because, you know, I like to keep it light on dates and mates and keep it positive and give you all advice and opportunities to find love. But I can’t overlook the fact that this is a serious problem in many relationships. When you look at the numbers, eight out of 10 rapes are committed by someone that you know, and sometimes even by your own partner. And looking at the numbers for forensic nurse examiners in DC, they’re reporting a 43% decrease in patient seeking treatment year over year. So that means fewer people are reporting sexual assault and coming in to get treated and evaluated for it. So that tells me one of two things either, people are quarantining, so often They’re just not in situations where they’re coming in contact with one another. And there are fewer sexual abuse incidents happening. Or worse yet, and more likely the case, people are experiencing it more and feeling unsafe about getting help and saying what’s going on. So just a little note for today’s to start out today’s show, that there are programs that are still open for victims of sexual assault, and the government has actually passed funding to keep them running. So if you are someone that you know, is dealing with a sexual assault situation, please call the number we’ll put in the show notes. One 800 656. Hope that’s 1-800-656-4673

 

on a completely different notes on a consensual sexual note, there’s a neutral show on Netflix that’s blowing my mind and the minds of many other people. Have you seen this? It’s called too hot to handle. It’s all about a celibacy challenge. It’s basically temptation Island, but nobody can have sex with one another. That is the rule of the series. They put all these super hot singles in bikinis and high heels all the time. I love the bikini and high heel. Look, don’t get me wrong, but none of them are supposed to have sex with one another. They’re not even supposed to make out they’re not supposed to have Heavy Petting. They can’t even touch themselves, or they lose money. They’re trying to get $100,000 if they can abstain from sex for a month. Now, sexologist apparently are concerned that this will reverse the thinking on sex. They’ve done so much work to keep to make sex not taboo. And it seems like Netflix is on this. They’re on this mission, as they say at the top of life. as blind as at the top of this show, they’re trying to find ways to help people make deeper connections. And you can see in the first episode, I’m not telling you any spoilers because this is really the concept of the show, but the first episode when the people find out that they can’t have sex, and then they’re told you’re all here because you have way too much sex and you’re you’re not having deep enough emotional connections. The look on their faces is enough for the price of admission alone. But I gotta tell you, I love dating and relationship shows as you know, I can’t I cannot even with the show. It is literally the most salacious version of a dating and relationship show that you could possibly find. And I know what’s coming up is all these people sneaking around trying to have sex and not get caught. And it just seems like it’s gonna become a big ol mess. If you like that kind of train wreck programming. I think it’s going to be right down the middle perfect for you. But I for 1am going to be tapping out For those of you who are already in a relationship, and maybe feeling a little bit of the stress from quarantine, my friends at NPR interviewed, the amazing john and Julie got Minh and they offered up their tips on Morning Edition on how to reduce stress if you’re in a relationship and quarantine together, especially if your relationship is already on the rocks, because right now we’re dealing with a lot of anxieties. I know I’m feeling it, there’s the anxiety of the fear of possibly catching COVID or the stress of even dealing with friends or family members who have the virus, maybe you even have the virus or you’ve come out of quarantine. And you have that on top of not ever being able to get away from your partner and all of their idiosyncrasies and all of the fights, the old fights that you’ve had coming back up because you’re in this pressure cooker. And there was some advice in this in this interview and this article that we’ll link to in the show notes that really is so key in communicating and relationships. The first thing I want to share with you is that they advise for one person to be the speaker when you’re trying to de stress and solve a problem. They said instead of trying to both trying to talk and everybody trying to be a fixer, right, we’ve talked on the show before about when you get in conflicts, a lot of times the partner wants to fix the issue instead of just listening. So what john and Julie got, Minh said was, you need to elect one person to be the speaker, and the other is the listener. And then the listener simply has to ask questions to deepen their understanding of the issue, and then just offer sympathy. And that is so hard. I believe me, I understand because I’m in this myself too. We we want the problem to go away. So we want to fix it, but sometimes what the other person needs is for you to just pause and hear them. And let them know that their frustration has been heard and felt by their partner. Because research shows that what partners really need in a marriage or a relationship is for the other person to be empathetic to them to be supportive. And that really can help when you have an ally that can help you manage your stress and feel really hurt. The second piece of advice that I think is really, really important, is they say when things get sort of snippy, when you get to that point of you’re like, Well, you did this and then you remember that time and 10 years ago, when it gets heated to that point, take a break, take a break from the conversation, and they recommend doing something self soothing, that calms you down, not ruminating on the conversation that just happened but doing something completely different that will give get you out of the fight or flight we talked a few weeks ago about fight flight or freeze, right? So you got to get yourself out of that mental space to be able to come back into it and have a conversation on a neutral level. And then you return to your partner at a designated time that you’ve already agreed to like, okay, we’re gonna take a break. Let’s talk about this after the kids go to bed. Let’s talk about this when we go on our nightly walk, and then you continue to the discussion from a more neutral place. Look, y’all I know it’s tough out there. We are going to get through it and communication. clear communication is the best. The best way for us to sort through these challenges, whether they’re new dating challenges and problems or coming up for miscommunication, or you’ve been in a relationship for a while. Speaking of NPR turns out that this week, I’m actually going to be on NPR. I’ll be recording an episode of NPR show. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders, and I’ll be answering Bring your questions about love in the time of Coronavirus. So if you have a question dating or relationship related, it’s not too late to submit it to me for the answer on that show. You can just email me your question at Dimona at damona. Hoffman you can leave me a little voice memo and send that over or just leave me a voicemail if you don’t want to deal with all the all the buttons on the phone. Just call my voicemail four to 42466255 tell me what your challenges and you could end up hearing it on NPR. Those are headlines for today. right after this. We will hear Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, not my words, his words, but do stick around.

 

I’m back and I am joined by someone who has been right where you are right now listening to this podcast for love and relationship advice. Ben Scaglione is an author. Who writes about what he’s seen and experienced as a single guy in the dating world. His last dating book, Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, looked at the dating challenges of men through the lens of his own experience. And now, he’s written a new book titled Why are you still single and average Joe’s take on what’s really going on in the dating pool and what you can do to stay afloat? Joining us now from Raleigh, North Carolina, please give big smooches to a friend of the show. Vince Gagliano, the owner. All right, Vince, before we talk to you about your perspective, first I just want to thank you for being a longtime dates and mates listener and supporter. You and I have had a lot of conversations about dating challenges over dm. But now I’m really excited to speak with you in person about your new book. And any new perspective you’ve gained since the last time we communicated. I want to just start out Vince with this dedication you have in the book because I found it very inspiring. It said, it’s for those who have the courage to remain steadfast in their belief that through the disappointment, anguish and heartache, the world, the dating world serves up, it will all be worth it in the end. Keep the faith. Vince, how do you keep the faith in the face of the current dating scene as you see it?

 

Vince Gauglione 12:26  

Well, that’s that’s certainly tough, right? So I mean, we have a lot of people that are out there floating around that are single, and they have their own unique set of challenges. Of course, it’s a very personal experience for each and every one of us. And over time, you know, you’ve got so many disappointments, heartache. It kind of warps your perspective a little bit. So what you I think, what what every one of us has to do, who you know who’s single who’s dealing with these issues, we have to remember that You know, at some point, as long as we are doing everything we can to titles

 

Damona  13:05  

Why am I still single? I’m just gonna cut to the chase, why am I still single chapter one you say so why am I still single? And then you turn it around on yourself? What if, what if, what have you learned and what wisdom Can you share? in answering this question for other people or helping people answer it for themselves.

 

Vince Gauglione 13:24  

The key is really, you know, we’re not everybody’s cup of tea. That’s just the way dating works. You know, we’ve all been through those experiences, life and situations where it’s like, we think somebody’s perfect for us, or we’re really interested in someone and we find out you know, we’ve learned that that’s just not the case. Maybe they don’t you know, reciprocate. So, for us, we have to take a closer look, and when we take a moment to reflect back and ask ourselves, if we can be better if, you know, there’s, there’s anything that we need to look at a little bit closer, maybe things we haven’t explored in the past. is a good time to do that. And you might gain a new perspective. And I think that, you know, that’s that’s really the question here. Why if you ask yourself the question why you’re still single, you might find a few things that you maybe were unaware of that, you know, were kind of blockers in preventing you from finding what you were looking for.

 

Damona  14:19  

Okay, so let’s talk about what some of those things might be. And just based on your first book, Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, there’s there’s a lot of challenges just in that title. Right. Let’s just focus on the first one because I do hear this a lot, both from women and men. How big of a dating challenge Do you think being and you say short, Vince, you’re five, seven. That’s short. My dad is fine, too. And he’s had three wives and he’s doing just fine. So are like talking to him. He would even make some talk. He would make tell jokes about you. But people tell you you have a tall guy. What does that even mean?

 

Vince Gauglione 15:01  

Well, actually, that was kind of interesting because that came about through a, an IM chat, we’ve got talking about how he said to me, I would have never guessed your five, seven, you have a tall guy by and I thought, Okay, well, you know, in, in understanding this and kind of going looking looking back the past few years, a few years when I had gone and you know, research this based on my own experiences and tried to understand it a little bit more in depth is that, you know, the the height issue is it’s always out there, it’s always going to be an issue for short guys. But if we’re able to project dominance, power protection, we’re able to just admit that we’re just kind of evoke that through our personality, then all of a sudden, we as short guys wind up with that tall guy vibe. And that’s kind of what you know, attracts women. And that is the one thing that I hadn’t really Understood throughout all my years of dating, I realized that you know, I mean I looked at it as I wasn’t having any success, I get turned down a lot. And as it turned out, I wound up with like this chip on my shoulder, so it affected my overall mood and disposition. So in a way, I became kind of a martyr. And that certainly affected my dating life through you know, my, my first, you know, 30 years here on this earth, I didn’t finally start understanding what was going on until I got probably closer to 40. It affected me for a very long time in my life, and thus, you know, I wound up making poor choices myself.

 

Damona  16:36  

Well, that’s how we learn Right, exactly the last time I talked about high on the show, I got a little bit of hate mail Vince, I’m not gonna lie. Some tall ladies were pretty mad at me. And in encouraging them to look beyond height. So what I’m going to step back and just let you talk to the tall ladies and share what you I would say to them, because I mean, I totally get it like, there are definitely shorter guys that would be in that insecure place that maybe you were in before. That would be intimidated by a woman who is say over 510 or taller. Right? Sure. But then if you’re just limiting your dating pool, because you’ve had those experiences in the past, there could be great, shorter guys, that you’re overlooking, no pun intended.

 

Vince Gauglione 17:32  

Yeah, absolutely. Again, it’s like when we talk about this part of this is, you know, it’s like evolutionary, you know, it’s kind of wired into our DNA, the connotation for height is that person can protect that person. You know, I could be on that that person’s arm and I feel secure. And I think that, you know, for taller women, some of them certainly understand that Yeah, most of the men that they’re going to be You know, evaluating the dating pool probably are going to be shorter than them, especially if they’re like 511 or six foot. But what they’re really looking for is that sense of security in a way and a guy can he can he can present that just threw his personality alone. Mm hmm.

 

Damona  18:23  

Yes, I completely agree with you. And I, I find that it’s not even so much like the biological attraction to height. I think it’s a lot about the societal connotations with height as well, because, really, biologically, we should be attracted to that provider type, right, which can come in a lot of different forms. And it’s kind of going back to that the confidence element that you were talking about,

 

Vince Gauglione 18:56  

right. So yes, to Yeah, because you have if you if you are out in public and you see a couple, and the woman is like five or six inches taller than the guy, then you get a lot of weird looks, you know? Yeah.

 

Damona  19:10  

I mean, how many crews and Katie Holmes have or Tom Cruise and like anyone Tom Cruise has ever dated. Right? Right. Right. We’re like, fixated and fascinated, but Okay, I’m gonna, I’ll just give my one take and then we’ll move on that there are a lot of combinations that society will look at you and B, society will be uncomfortable with it. So like, if my parents were allowed what society told them about their relationship to impact their actions, then I wouldn’t be here because my dad’s white, my mom is black. And all the time they would go to a restaurant and get stares and sneers and even, you know, this was, this is 70s 80s like, they would get direct comments that they shouldn’t be together and I can’t. I can’t imagine it’s that as bad as that. But I’ve never been. I’ve never been a tall woman, people will look, you know, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate hate, but we, we don’t have to pay attention to that if we’re going for what our heart really wants. So in your book, you talk about knowing what you want and knowing what you need, what is the roadblock to people being able to grasp that from your perspective?

 

Vince Gauglione 20:29  

Well, I think that we have a lot of noise. That’s the problem. There’s there’s certainly a lot of noise in society, right? So we’re constantly distracted in a number of different ways. And you know, if we’re always dealing with distractions, then we really don’t take the time out to just sit with ourselves and understand our emotion. I could read a one story for you where I was actually at an event all singles and it was just a little get together at a restaurant. At one point. A number of is hurt. Like the familiar audio audible game of a phone, right? And then it was, it was odd that about eight people all look down at their phones at the same time. And they stopped talking and they started texting. And it was only after a few minutes did the rest of us realize all eight of those people were in the same group chat. So they had stopped doing what they were doing to participate in the group chat, when the purpose of them being there was to be exposed to other singles. See what I mean? That’s what we’re dealing with today.

 

Damona  21:35  

We are consumed by the virtual world. And like I said this, I said this a few weeks ago on the show, that we are also so desperate to escape the reality that we’re in. We’re almost waiting for that ding. We’re waiting like we’re on a date. And we’re like, this is so uncomfortable. Because it is I mean, you’ve listened to the show for long enough to know like, I don’t sugarcoat it. Like datings awkward, it’s odd. We created it. It is a it’s a skill set that is learned it is something that is not part of, you know, natural courtship. Really. It’s, it’s created. And so that feeling of wanting to escape the day, when you have your phone nearby, it’s so easy to just jump into that other word world and that other other. You know that conversation. So how do how do you recommend people move into dating? in a way that’s more mindful, like we talked about mindfulness, getting clear before you date, but when you’re on the date, how do you stay in the moment there?

 

Vince Gauglione 22:45  

The thing to remember is you want to be present, right? You want to be an active participant in terms of listening and actually, you know, comprehending what the other person is saying. And of course, you know, if we’re talking about technology, The phone has to be on silent. I mean, you have to have that phone on silent. You can’t have a dinging all the time. While you’re having this conversation while you’re on the state. It’s just, I think it’s just, you know, just really inappropriate. When I would go on dates, it would just be phone goes on silent and it’s turned, you know, flat face down on the table.

 

Damona  23:22  

I would I would even add like, yeah, if you can put it away away. Because I mentioned Yeah, I mentioned on the show a while back, there was a study with cell phones and how having the cell phone in view on a in a meeting and not even on a date, but just in view, when two strangers were meeting, it made them feel mistrustful of the other person, even if the phone is off, and and if it was on, it was just on the table. You also talked about connecting meaningfully and one part of that being vulnerability. I get it from men sometimes, especially for men and for women too. But especially for men, that’s really hard. How’d you get to that place? It is,

 

Vince Gauglione 24:08  

it’s kind of funny because you have a friend and opposite sex female. And we were we would always talk about dating and dates. And she said to me one time, she said, you know, you’ve got the problem that a lot of women have, they get the emotionally unavailable guys, how is it that this is happening to you? So I, you know, getting you know, a lot of emotionally unavailable women.

 

Damona  24:32  

What does that look like the emotionally unavailable woman? How is that showing up for you?

 

Vince Gauglione 24:37  

Well, for me, it was showing up in terms of what if we’re talking and we are talking about vulnerability is like the inability to get close to keep you at arm’s length. If I would ask questions. You know, we’re talking about something that maybe hit a little bit close to home or was, you know, required some vulnerability I would get, you know, very glossed over type of answers or would not be able to even get that person to open up to speak a little bit about what they might be feeling, or what they might be thinking. We’ve become so emotionally disconnected from ourselves and from others, you know, you can, you can kind of zip into that virtual world anytime you want and feel perfectly happy and content. But what that’s done in, in effect, it’s kind of taken us away from understanding, you know, just our own nature, and how we connect in real life with people.

 

Damona  25:33  

Yeah, it sounds like you’ve been on you’ve been on a long journey of self discovery,

 

Vince Gauglione 25:39  

and many ups and downs along the way.

 

Damona  25:42  

Yeah. And I know like you came into this. If you if you don’t mind me sharing at the beginning of the book you talk about Yeah, and in 2012, you were in a serious relationship and you actually lost your partner, to suicide and for many people, That would be so devastating that I’m sure it would be hard to believe in love again, but it’s clear from talking to you, you do still believe that this is possible. What gives you that kind of faith? And how did you? How did you heal from such a devastating loss?

 

Vince Gauglione 26:16  

Yeah, that was a long journey. I’m not gonna lie, you know, and I’ve written about it in previous works. It is something that, you know, at the time for me, I was 42. So I didn’t expect that right. None of us really do it at the age of 42 that we’re going to lose, you know, someone close to us. And it took about two and a half years, almost two and a half years to fully reconcile it. So, but, you know, I, what I had done was I’ve taken in the good things away from it. So it’s like, I understood that it was a very loving, mutually, you know, caring relationship that we had and, you know, sure. It’s, it’s tough to find Those types of relationships as we go through life, you know, we might experience it once or twice a few times, but they don’t come around all that often. So, you know, when it does, I’ve learned to, you know, to cherish it more and to and to, to foster it more than I had in the past. Because for a while I had beaten myself up at times thinking I didn’t give enough or maybe I didn’t, you know, do enough. Or maybe I took it for granted. And, you know, having that experience now, and at this point in my life, I understand, you know, what, how special and how precious that actually is?

 

Damona  27:37  

How do you know when you’re sitting across from someone, my listeners are always asking like, well, I’m going on a lot of dates, but is this person the one I don’t know? Is this meant to be something serious? How can you tell?

 

Vince Gauglione 27:52  

Well, that happens over time. I mean, really, the only thing that we can point to here is time you have to give it time. Right. So if it’s someone who shares you know, your, your core values, right, if it’s someone who you have a, a, an ability to connect with and be vulnerable with, then it’s certainly worth exploring and continuing to explore. It’s not like it’s an on off switch where you can say, I know this one’s the right one, or this one’s not the right one. We kind of know more, you know, just as, as human beings, we know more about the things that we really don’t like or don’t want. So when we see those, they’re easy to identify. But the ones that are worthwhile, you know, that takes a little bit longer to figure out. So I would say if you’re, you know, if you’re, you’re, you’re cross sitting across from one that has the same core values, you want the same things or similar things and like, you have a vision of your life and the others, you know, that vision lines up and maps You’re on the right track.

 

Damona  29:02  

Okay, I’m going to ask you a few rapid fire questions for the ladies, a lot of our listeners are women that are dating. And would love to date an awesome guy like you? What are they doing wrong? What is your number one pet peeve that women do on? Let’s start with dating apps? Okay, what’s your biggest dating app? pet peeve?

 

Vince Gauglione 29:29  

Well, when it comes to dating apps, I think, of course, we can talk about like, their search criteria, and they they look for, you know, everything has to be in line, anything and that’s, I think that’s true of actually both sexes. So if you see something in a profile, that’s, you know, a turnoff, right? And you have all these other positives, but then you see this one thing you’re likely to say, Okay, well, I don’t like that. So I’m going to just, you know, swipe left. I think that’s the biggest problem. We have with with online dating right now is that, you know, we’re not able to put that into perspective, of course, we don’t gain a clear picture of who that person is. And it’s very hard to, you know, to write a profile that, you know, presents your, you know, who you are as a person, you know, realistically, along with, you know, giving someone a sense an idea of your values as well. So, yeah, we’re just too quick to move on from profile to profile. Are there syndrome as well?

 

Damona  30:33  

Yeah. Are there messaging behaviors that really frustrate you like, I’ll give you one example just for the guys. Like, I was working with a client who was on hinge and on hinge you have to engage with a particular picture or something that’s, that’s posted in the profile. You can’t just like swipe, swipe, swipe dm, so you have to send a message His strategy was like, I’ll just send like, these, this string, same string of emojis like a heart emoji and like, strong arm emoji, and like, right emojis worth his way of getting into the conversation. And because he was a very attractive guy, he kind of was relying on the fact that then they’re going to look at his profile and be like, Oh, he’s cute, and just get into the chat from there. But I was like, not great dating strategy. Because you’re not, you’re not actually like you were saying, finding someone who connects with you. On a values level on a deeper level. You can’t determine anything from having an emoji conversation. So that’s my guys. What’s your girl’s pet peeve?

 

Vince Gauglione 31:45  

Well, it’s similar similar things. You know, when it comes to actual messaging, well, if everything is in shorthand, you know, I mean, I write in complete sentences. I know that takes a while, but I write in earthly sentences. So he Yeah, exactly. And you know, so and i don’t i can’t really decipher some of the shorthand as well. So or if it’s like a text Blitz, where you get 500 messages in one shot, and there’s like, hey, do I have to respond to all these? How can I condense this down? Right? So I think it’s back and forth, you know, send a message, you get a message back, ask a question, wait for a reply. You know, don’t fall into the trap of, you know, having to send send, send, send, send, and then immediately, send, send, send again, let’s, let’s have a little back and forth here. Let’s have a real conversation as best as we’re going to have over text or I am,

 

Damona  32:40  

huh, what about first date? first date? pet peeves are first date tips for the ladies.

 

Vince Gauglione 32:47  

Well, being engaged, and I mean, that’s something that I look for, you know, someone who you can tell when someone is not engaged, if they’re distracted, or they just seem like you know, they they’re not having a good time or They are they don’t seem present. They’re not really engaged in the conversation. So if I have to carry the conversation, then I kind of know I kind of get a sense Well, I don’t think this person is really is really into me. So that’s important. Stay engaged, ask questions, let the conversation flow. Don’t have an agenda. You know, I think it’s another big one. You’re kind of when people are looking for things they want to check off list. What do you do? bla bla bla bla, that line of questioning. We’ve all heard that line of questioning before. As the conversation continues, you know, you will find things if you’re connecting with that person, you will find things to discuss something will resonate with you and the other person we there’ll be pulled in like, oh, tell me more about that. Or here’s my take on this. You have to let the conversation just devolve and flow on its own. You can’t try to force it.

 

Damona  33:59  

Yeah. Absolutely. And like I said earlier, dating is a learned skill. So the more you do it and the more you figure out what works for you and and build on your conversation techniques, the easier that experience is going to be for you. Before you go, I just I want to ask about, we’re recording this while most of us are in the middle of a quarantine lockdown, safer at home, whatever you want to call it. And so the world of dating has changed. How has that impacted dating for you? And what do you think will be the next phase of dating when we come out of the world of quarantine?

 

Vince Gauglione 34:45  

Hmm. Okay, well, I have a little disclaimer here in that around the time I had finished the draft of this book, I did meet someone that I am currently dating so I haven’t actually dating in the game, so to speak.

 

Damona  35:00  

quarantined together?

 

Vince Gauglione 35:03  

For the most part,

 

Damona  35:04  

yes. Oh, that’s a whole other. That’s a whole other show. Maybe we’ll have you back for that. Right? What but what are you hearing from from readers? And

 

Vince Gauglione 35:13  

yeah, people, it’s really, it’s not easy, because you don’t have a chance to get to those face to faces, right? So when you’re talking about having these conversations, right, you want to be able to at least this, you know, right now this present situation we’re in, you want to still be able to have that natural progression where you go from, you know, an initial interest, you know, contact contacting each other to, you know, some texting, phone calls are great. And then of course, now we have the whole you know, video chatting, facetiming zoom calls, etc. But it’s still it’s still a progression, you can start to build something during this time. However, as we know, it’s like where the rubber really, you know, meets the road is when you have that face to face. So you know that it may we might be in a situation where you might be, you know, speaking to a couple different people, and you might, you know, begin to form a connection, almost like a you know, like the love is blind series, right? Yeah, it’s similar. It’s not exactly the same, because you can see that person. But, you know, at least you can focus on understanding more about another person, then you would, you know, you would have done say previously before all of this because a lot of this, you know, before COVID-19 was, you’re on an app, you said, you match, you send a message, and then you’re already meeting thus, you know, you know nothing about the person and thus the reason for bad dates, you don’t have anything in common with that person. So it forces us to take more time to get to know others or a little bit of a deeper level.

 

Damona  37:00  

Yes, I think ultimately it will be good. But yes, some of those, some of those quarantine connections won’t last but we’re going to learn a lot in the process. And I’ve learned a lot from talking to you today, Vince, I hope everyone will pick up their copy of Why are you still single and average Joe’s take on what’s really going on in the dating pool and what you can do to stay afloat. Thank you so much for joining me, Vince Gagliano. It’s been a pleasure having you on the show. And again, thank you for your years of listening. Maybe it’s paying off in a new relationship. I wish you luck

 

Vince Gauglione 37:34  

with that, too. Thank you so much. I appreciate it was great being on the show.

 

Damona  37:38  

Thank you, Vince.

 

We’re back and your questions have been flooding in lately. Y’all must be really going through it. But I’m here for you. My DMS are always open and they’re especially open Right now for both dates and mates questions, NPR questions and drumroll please. Here’s the big announcement as of this weekend, also for a new advice column that I’m writing in the LA Times. So check out this Saturday’s issue of the LA Times to read my Coronavirus, dating and relationship advice. But remember, it all started here with you and me and your love questions on dates and mates. And here I will remain. Alright, here’s the lineup for today. I got an audio question from our listener Jacqueline. Here’s what she had to say.

 

Vince Gauglione 38:40  

What do you recommend for someone who’s looking to create a profile during this COVID pandemic period and salons and businesses are closed so one can have a makeover done? Is it okay to do the best you can with what you have with items at home such as box hair color, one’s own makeup and an iPhone. I’m would be curious as to your thoughts on this.

 

Damona  39:06  

All right, Jacqueline. First of all, you just got to do it. You just got to get out there and start. One of the things that makes it so hard for us to get back into the dating scene is we play out all these what if scenarios, what if I put up a profile and nobody messages me? What if I meet someone, and I do fall in love, and then I can’t meet them. And because we are afraid of all the different outcomes, we’re afraid of success and failure actually, that fear keeps us from action. And the only way to really get that valuable feedback on your profile. You’ve heard me talk on the show before about how your profile is a living document. And it will change and evolve as you change and evolve. But the only way to really know if your profile is working or not, is to put it out there, put it out into the world and see what happens. So if you haven’t done the profile starter kit, it is Free a dates and mates.com that can at least get you started and get you on an app. Any app, people always ask me what’s the best app, the best app is the one that gets you started and just see the feedback that you get. And this is kind of a low pressure time right now. Because we don’t know when we might actually be able to meet up again. In many places I’m in California, I mean, we gonna be locked down until like December it sounds like but wherever you are, you are going to be starting at least the beginning of the relationship virtually so it’s kind of low pressure right low presh just start Jacqueline and girl Don’t even worry about the nail salons and the the hair salons. I mean, I’m going through my own experience. My daughter was nice enough to point out my gray hairs to me, thank you very much today. But besides that one most people Men Jacqueline prefer lighter makeup they prefer a more natural look. Somehow we look at Instagram we think like, oh, Kylie looks great. We need to slather our face with makeup so that we can look like that with all the filters and and be a an unrealistic, unattainable vision of beauty. But it’s crazy because that’s not actually what most people are attracted to most people want the real thing. So I would say just be your authentic self. But just to give you a little peace of mind, remember we are putting our best foot forward on the first date. And if you haven’t heard my video training, on video chat dating, it is in our Patreon community patreon.com slash Jason mates Of course always in the show notes. But if you haven’t gotten there yet, I’ll just give you a reminder that on a video chat date not everything is on camera. I hope Jacqueline Not everything is on camera. So just worry about the parts that are actually going to be seen. Don’t worry so much about having everything in your house look perfect, and having every hair on your head in place. Just make sure look, you don’t even have to wear pants if you don’t want to.

 

Because if it’s not going to be seen, maybe it doesn’t matter if it makes you feel sexier. Don’t wear pants, just make sure you’re not moving around a lot and keep your phone propped up on the desk. That aside, you just want to be your authentic self in the end. So think about what’s going to be on camera, make sure that you know what that looks like. And then you might even want to try depending on the platform that you’re on. Taking the camera off yourself. It’s it can take a lot of the stress off of like staring at one at yourself while also trying to focus on the person in front of you. I wish you lots of luck, Jacqueline, and I can’t wait to hear about the virtual dates that you have coming up. One more question for today. This one came to me on Facebook. Young lady says a guy and I matched on Bumble prior to all of this happening, but we never got the chance to meet up. We have facetimed twice. First time was two hours. She says that’s pretty long for first time meetup. And we text and Instagram every day finding it hard now that it’s almost two months in to keep this conversation going beyond the daily Groundhog Day happenings. She means like the Hey, what’s up? How’s your day? How’s your day? We’re having the same conversation over and over again. Incidentally, I don’t know if you know, I just watched that movie. It was just maybe it was like on cable. Maybe that’s what it was on Netflix. I just watched that movie again. So it’s funny that you would reference it. Anyways. She says it’s also hard not to get emotionally invested when you talk daily and you don’t know where the other person stands. Like If they’re talking to other people, and you haven’t even met yet, so what position Are you in to ask any tips for keeping an open mind and things to chat about until we’ve had a chance to meet? So my initial advice is that, y’all, we got to keep it loose right now, we got to keep it loose during during quarantine, because we don’t know how long this is going to last. And your feelings are totally valid. you’re investing in this relationship that might be a fantasy relationship. You may know that, generally on dates and mates, I’ve said, Get offline as quickly as possible, have a few exchanges online. And then you move to a phone call, preferably or a video chat, and then you move to a date. But now we can’t move to a physical date. So you have moved to the facetiming. But all of this text and Instagram every day is giving you these bursts of adrenaline that are building up this person in your mind and what that connection will be when you meet and so that’s why it feels like a little bit of a lag. down because you, you’ve been in it for two months, and you don’t necessarily have anything to show for it. So you got to do one of two things. One, we need to rip the band aid off and find out where this person stands. And this is something that I find it’s so hard for people to do. But it’s so such a relief when you finally do it. If you just are saying like, Hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you in and I’m not really talking to anybody else are you? And then you can find out like really, really get to the bottom of what is that thing that’s eating away at you about this situation? And they might say, Oh, yeah, I’ve been chatting with other people but nothing serious like you or they might say like, Oh, I’m just having fun right now. Or they might say no, I’m absolutely not talking to anybody else. But that gives you information. And information is ultimately your friend. It’s been two months. So in real life, that is a significant amount of time and this is enough time for you to just get a sense of where you stand. What I will say, though, is that you need to FaceTime more than twice before you have that conversation. And this is the same advice I’ve given for long distance dating, you have to almost treat it as if you are dating in real life. And even in real life after two dates, I wouldn’t say necessarily stop dating other people. But you have to figure out what the situation is in the real world. So set up a an actual date, a FaceTime actual date, where you’re doing an activity together. I’m actually writing an article write this right now on this I don’t know if by the time this publishes it will be released or not. But I’m writing an article on 10 home quarantine data ideas, I’ll give you just like a couple of them. You can actually do sip and paint night virtually. You can do a trivia night, do 20 questions gamify the date, make it fun, so it’s not just like sitting there for two hours staring at one another, and then really see what this relationship is. But you have to always keep in the back of your mind that until you meet in person, this is still a fantasy relationship. But you know what? Right now we’re quarantined. Life is tough. Things are serious. Maybe we could all use a little bit more fantasy right now. That’s it for today’s show. It’s number 307 of dates in mates, y’all. I’m on all the socials at damona Hoffman. I love your questions. I really want to hear from you. So please let me know what’s on your mind. You can send me a question for this show. You can send me a question for NPR. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders, or send me a question for the la times maybe for all three. You can do this so easily just by giving me a call. leave me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 or shoot me an email Dimona at damona Hoffman calm you can just record a voice memo on your phone or email it over to me and you could be on NPR or on a future episode of dates and dates, just like Jacqueline. Thank you so much for listening. And by the way, if you’re ready to go deeper with me and you want access to that video chat dating training that I talked about earlier, or any other resources inside of our private community, I want to invite you inside the community, you can join me@patreon.com, slash dates and mates, it’s only five bucks a month. So I think that’s a small price to pay for an intimate relationship with me and the other dates and mates community members that’s patreon.com slash dates and mates. Do check the show notes for all the links that I discussed on today’s show. And for a cute little recap, with lovely gifts that producer Leo is top top notch at providing for us to help bring the dates and made show to life. Thank you so much for listening. Until next week, I wish you happy virtual dating

Blended Family & The Bumble Buzz

ARE YOU HIDING WHO YOU REALLY ARE?

If you met your ideal mate at one of the lowest points in your life, would you be prepared to accept their love?

My guests on Dates & Mates this week, Laura and Scott of The Only One In The Room Podcast, met in orientation on the first day of rehab.

You read that right. The first day of rehab.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

DATING DISH (3:01)

The signs your relationship is getting serious

Women and Glamour weigh in on what makes a relationship serious, and Damona tells you which ones are the most important

 

A new dating show at FOX you have to check out

This new dating show might just top every reality show ever. Here’s a hint: BabyMama.

 

Why Bumble wants you to date long distance

Bumble is now allowing you to match with ANYONE ANYWHERE in the US. That’s right. You’re dating pool just got bigger ladies and gents. Damona breaks it down. 

 

STOP PRETENDING (12:00)

“We got to meet at that place where everything was stripped away from us. And we were just Laura and Scott with this long backstory,” Scott says. “We’re both rescued from a shipwreck and we’re standing there looking at each other.”

I wanted this interview to be a part of my extraordinary love stories because Laura and Scott exemplify a few things that I find crucial in the development of a loving relationship

  • Not pretending to be someone you’re not in the beginning
  • Finding a relationship pace that works for you
  • Creating a healthy working relationship in everything they do

 

If you have ever met someone you felt a connection with, but it just didn’t seem like the right time, then this interview is for you.

Make sure to check out The Only One In The Room Podcast, one of Damona’s absolute favorite!

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email – I’m not your typical 53-year-old black woman: I have a lot of creativity, a master’s degree, I’m fit, I’m funny, attractive—I’m a catch! But I have always found dating online a real challenge. I feel like the cards are stacked against me. Each year for the past 3 years, I try out a new dating app, but after 3 or 4 months, I stop. I find I’m either dealing with scammers or pretty much no one at all. I reach out to folks and say hello, send a note, etc. I post a variety of pictures: here I am with friends, here’s a full body shot of me on my own, etc. I think I’m doing all the right things, but I don’t seem to get any play. What would you suggest I do to be more successful?
  • Email from Kevin – I’m an introvert, but am trying to learn how to approach in public places and to flirt. How can I know if the woman I’m attracted to is available?? I of course look for a ring, but it seems like it’s impossible to know for sure.

 

 

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

 

 

 

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.

Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for: 

  • an opportunity to work with Damona directly
  • to get quality advice that is tailored to your dating challenges
  • and to become part of a community that will help you find the healthiest, most loving relationships this year

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

I am so glad you came for your dose of love and inspiration, especially at a time when the world seems to be collectively in need of a great big hug. I’m here to support you and to remind you that someone cares. And we will get through this, even if we are apart. But together Together apart apart together. It’s been an exciting week over here in Dimona land, I’ve had some very compelling conversations about love and relationships post COVID-19 if we can allow ourselves to dream a little bit about what will happen in the next phase of this. You may have heard me a couple of weeks ago on the NPR show national conversation with all things considered. And if you listen to that, you heard me say that I think ultimately there is a silver lining, to this quarantine for dating and relationships. It’s going to help those of you who are coupled up truly see who your partner is. And it will expose the cracks in your relationship that you can choose to work on, or to walk away from. And for those of you who are dating, it’s going to result in us having to slow down, having to take our time and really see the person in front of us, instead of being caught up in the endless swipe. As part of our love story series. I have a couple today who were to ultimate practitioners of slow love. Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott Slaughter relationship began in the most unlikely of places, and it’s taken 13 years for them to get to where they are today. But before we talk to them, I’ll be discussing this week’s headline Including, what are the signs that your relationship is getting serious? And could a strange new dating show at Fox have a future? Plus? Why is Bumble encouraging you to date long distance? And then at the end of the show, as always, I’ll take on your questions, including a voicemail I received which will ask how will video chat dating impact your overall dating success? And is your health affecting your dating options? All that and more on today’s dates and mates. And now it’s time for the dish

Unknown Speaker  2:39  

these dating dish.

Damona  2:42  

Yahoo just share the exciting news that Bumble is encouraging you to date long distance. Now many of you have heard me say on this show that now that we’re in the time of quarantine and we’re all virtual dating. Maybe this is an opportunity to expand your dating criteria because If I know in LA traffic is a problem, and people that I’ve worked with here have had a hard time dating someone across town because it may take them an hour to get from one place to the other. So if you’re willing to date across town, why not date across the country, Bumble has introduced a few new virtual dating features in recent months. And now they actually have a virtual date badge, which allows you to match with anyone in the US regardless of your location. If you’ve used Bumble before, if you remember previously, users could only match with people in 100 mile radius. And so that’s why we’re getting a lot of like vacation dating and people hopping from one city to another and dating around there. But now you can set your distance filter to the whole country. They also you’ve heard on the show before they’ve added video chat dating and you can get to the video chat by adding that virtual date badge. And then after you add the badge You’ll be able to filter matches who are willing to date via video chat. Beyond that, they’re also adding the ability to send audio messages and respond to specific messages that way, which I think is really exciting. And some of you who have DM me in the past know that on Instagram, sometimes I like to leave a personal message rather than typing so that you know, it’s really me, I’m really sharing this advice with you. And it really adds a personal touch, which can be really helpful for you, if you’re also in that dating space. You know, we’ve talked about ghosting, you could still get ghosted on a video chat date. But when you become a voice, this is why I’ve always been a fan of the phone call. When you become a voice, you become something real, you move off the page and off the screen, and suddenly, you’re a real person. It gets that person much more invested into seeing what’s going to happen with you. But that’s not all folks. There are other reasons Why you want to add this virtual date badge if you’re using Bumble, they also are donating for every user that adds the virtual data badge. They’re adding up to $10,000 $1 for every person to the World Health Organization’s COVID-19 solidarity fund. And this is actually in addition to another hundred thousand dollars that Bumbles already donated to the World Health Organization fund. So I’d say y’all, you should do it. Why not right now in today’s world? And we’ll figure this all out later, like people keep asking me, what is going to happen when we come out of quarantine? And are these relationships going to work? And the truth is, I don’t want to lie to y’all. I don’t know. I don’t know. But I would say if you’re already going to be dating across town or dating virtually, why not expand your criteria a little more? Why not unlock some of these other features like video chat dating, audio messaging and make a donation to the World Health Organization fund. Because you can date and do good at the same time. Speaking of dating Oh, there’s a new dating show at Fox we’ve been jonesing like bachelor’s back and love is blind just blew our minds. Now there’s a new dating show coming at Fox. And you know, I mean Fox has the loudest raunchiest reality shows. And so as soon as I saw this headline on variety, I was like, Oh my god, what is this show gonna be? It’s a pregnancy dating show. And strangely, it stars Sex in the City alum Kristin Davis. The show is called labor of love. And it’s going to be about former bachelor contestant Christy Katzman who will be dating around trying to find a man and somebody that she could father a child with. It’s funny because you know Being in this dating and relationship, TV show world as well as a producer and host. All the time when I’m taking meetings like people were saying that the bar has been raised like ever since pretty much married at first sight where the stakes were so high, the stakes were and they’re going to marry a stranger and stay married for six weeks and see what happens. That became the bar and I kept thinking, how are they going to raise the bar from that like marrying a stranger?

Have a baby with a stranger?

Damona  7:30  

Why not? And Christie is up for it. She’s 41 years old. She says she’s ready to start a family now. They’re not going to lock her into having a baby with one of these guys. It’s not not quite that extreme. That would be that would be almost to the point of being cruel because nobody wants to have a baby with somebody. They can’t. They can’t stand down the road. So you got to filter effectively. If you’re you’re jumping into the parenting pool with the rest of us because it’s murky in here, y’all I’m not gonna lie. It’s murky, and it certainly helps if you have a partner who can swim and not think, but she might come out of this reality show they’re saying with a decision to parent on her own. And that’s what Kristin Davis said, interested her in being a part of the show that she wanted to remind women that they have a choice and you can choose what you want your life to be. If you want to have a baby and you don’t have a partner. You have that option too. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen. It premieres may 21 I’m sure we’ll be talking about it again on the show because I know y’all are gonna be watching it. It sounds like another one of those, those salacious Fox reality shows that you just can’t turn away from the project’s been in development for three years, which in development time is a heck of a long time. So they either really wanted to make the show or they really didn’t want to make the show, but either way, it’s getting eight episodes premiering may 21.

I also read an interesting article on it. glamour.com I wanted to get away from all the news being COVID specific news. And this article caught my eye the signs your relationship is getting serious, according to women, so they asked real women, what the signs were. And I gotta tell you, I’m about 5050 on this article, there was some really terrible advice in there. And it made me really concerned for women of what they think is a serious sign. And then there was some really great advice. So I’ll just give you my take on the yeses and noes and then of course, we will put the link in the show notes and I want to hear from you what you think the signs are, that your relationship is getting serious. So a 27 year old woman said when you get a pet or pets together, I was just talking about how you don’t want to parent with someone that you can’t stand. And I have seen a lot of pet situations go wrong and having to deal with pet custody with somebody that you weren’t even married to is not really Something that you need to be dealing with. So I would say no to that one. Another person said when you start wanting to stay in no honey, that’s just laziness that happens to all of us. We just get tired. And then we’re like, well, I got somebody, I don’t need to put as much effort into it. When they start talking about love. 24 year old said this, maybe, but a lot of times people talk about love when they’re not really feeling it yet. And people throw that word around a lot. When you plan your weekend around time together. That’s another maybe for me. I guess that’s saying you’re putting your partner first. And weekends are precious. But now what’s time anymore, as we’re in the quarantine. And the last one I was not so sure about was when you meet the parents because that can be something serious, but it also can just be circumstantial. The ones that I really want you to pay attention to, are when conversations begin with we instead of i a woman named Taylor, who’s 34 said that and I thought it was really brilliant. And that’s a big mindset shift when you’re in a relationship and you stop thinking of each other as individuals, and you start to think of the two of you as a unit. That’s been a really big turning point for a lot of my clients. So look out for those we, and also look out for what the 61 year old woman said, when being together feels like coming home. I thought that was so poetic and beautiful. That feeling, especially now that feeling of home and I can just relax and be myself around this person. Another one I loved was when you embrace their family as your own. When you really start to see that your circles are not independent, but they are together that’s again that that sense of we that’s a definite sign that things are headed in a serious direction. And when their family starts to feel like their life Your own. And then the last one I want to leave you with before we go into the break. Amanda who’s 32 said when you realize you care about their well being. I know that was a turning point in my own relationship that my husband was sick. And to me it was like, of course I would take care of him when he’s sick. And believe me, folks, it was bad. It was very bad. I saw it all. And he thought, wow, if she’s willing to stand with me through that, then she really, really cares. And I think throughout this quarantine and pandemic, as we all of our worst stuff is coming out. We’re really seeing what we’re made of and what our significant others are made of and what we really need in a relationship. So hopefully this is a clarifying time for you. Those are the headlines for the day. But we have so much more dates and made when we return. I’ll have Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter talking about their unusual love story. But first I want to thank those of you who have taken the time to review our show on Apple podcasts or on your favorite podcast platform. Shout out to Slingo Who says I’m so addicted to devote his podcast and advice. I take notes and even replay some of her shows often I love the masterclass series. She even responds to my i g dm, see, I just told you guys I respond to the DMS I might even leave you a voice message. So keep the messages coming. Thanks so much Slingo. A single also says, thanks to Mona I’m thinking I’ll be done with this dating real soon. I sure hope that for you and I hope that for everyone who’s listening but I want you to still listen for relationship tips. And for you to please keep sharing this show with your friends who need this kind of advice. We have a lot of broken hearts in the world right now. And we need to keep spreading our love and positivity. We will have more dates inmates in just a moment.

Today we are talking to Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter and incredible powerhouse couple and one of my favorite couples in podcasting. together. They host the only one in the room podcast, but they’re also both individually super accomplished people. Laura is a freelance writer, a speaker and an advocate for diversity. You’ve seen her work in Huffington Post, she has several pieces that have gone viral there. And as the US contributor for Italian news magazine, Scott is also an accomplished individual himself. He’s an international traveler, producer, and photographer Laura and Scott met in the most unlikely of places in rehab. They both started on the same day, and Laura ran out of the room thinking that she hadn’t made the biggest mistake of her life coming there. And Scott ran after her, though they didn’t actually start dating and rehab. Which was a no no there that that chance meeting did lead to a deep friendship that ended up evolving into love. Please help me welcome them to the show and let’s get big. smooches to Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter. Welcome to the show. I got to give two sandwiches today. Yes, you did. I’m excited. I’m so excited that you’re joining me. I had the great pleasure of meeting Laura at the podcast movement conference. And I mean, I can see what you saw and this lady Scott because the minute I met her I was like, she is a radiant source of light. She’s amazing.

Unknown Speaker  15:42  

I know she’s lovely moment. I saw her.

Damona  15:45  

So tell us a little bit about how you met your your love story how we got to today,

Unknown Speaker  15:51  

huh? I’m gonna let Laura lead on. I always get corrected when I tell the story.

Unknown Speaker  15:55  

That’s not true.

Damona  15:56  

Let’s do it. He said. She said okay, Laura. Your turn.

Unknown Speaker  16:01  

Well, ours is a pretty unique story. Just about 12 years ago, I was at the end of a battle with a really gnarly drug and alcohol addiction. I was in the middle of a divorce and I was looking at the possibility of losing custody of my two boys. So I decided to go to treatment

Unknown Speaker  16:27  

at a place called the meadows in wickenburg, Arizona,

Unknown Speaker  16:30  

and it was battling a heavy alcohol addiction um, some drugs but mainly alcohol at that time in my life. I was a about two years out of a Separation, Divorce, had two young girls and had a dear friend who was tired of seeing me drink myself to death. So she loaded me on a plane and took me to lo and behold wickenburg Arizona for treatment. And that same morning that Laura walked in, I walked in as well, unknowing who she was What I was about to experience when we were in that orientation class, and I heard her tell her story. I was struck with her immediately. But I absolutely felt like I knew her. Honestly, the minute I saw her, and I couldn’t really identify those thoughts. I just could not stop staring at her during the meeting. And when she got up to leave, I decided to just get up and leave as well. And I walked out and I followed her. And she was immediately annoyed. Yeah.

Damona  17:27  

That’s how all great love stories start, right?

Unknown Speaker  17:29  

Yeah, annoying, right. Oh,

Damona  17:31  

but she wasn’t annoyed with you. She was Yes. annoying.

Unknown Speaker  17:34  

Oh, she was okay. Okay. She tells us. I think I tapped you on the shoulder.

Unknown Speaker  17:39  

yet. Well, I feel you following me, which also annoyed me. And I thought you weren’t there. And then when you got up to me, I saw that you didn’t work there. And I was like, What does he want? And you tapped me on the shoulder and you said I’m really sorry to hear about your divorce and and then we talked Hot and you know, I, I my memory is money at this time there is certain things that stand out. And that’s one of them.

Damona  18:08  

I know a little bit about rehab, I do have some family members who’ve struggled with addiction for a long time. So I don’t know a lot, but I seem to remember one of the rules of rehab is that you’re not supposed to date people there.

Unknown Speaker  18:24  

We didn’t date in rehab, per se. We just kind of hung out. And

Unknown Speaker  18:32  

and I think I think that was a saving grace that something happened for us because we were able to bond his friends for so long. Yeah, for almost a month and get to know one another outside of this, you know, physical attraction or whatever that looks like at the time. But we were actually able to be there for one another in a way that I think normally we wouldn’t have listened to. Yeah,

Damona  18:55  

I think going through an experience like that with somebody who helps you along. The way it has to bond you for life, whether romantic or not, but you came you were living in different cities. So how did it work? After you left rehab? How were you able to form a relationship? Did you date long distance? Initially? Well,

Unknown Speaker  19:16  

again, dating is not quite the word I would use but because I was I was still not divorced yet. We were talking on the phone all the time. Yeah. After about 30 days back to Utah.

Unknown Speaker  19:29  

She came back to Los Angeles, we started you know, chatting.

Unknown Speaker  19:33  

It wasn’t just chatting. We were intentionally like he was my lifeline. I called him all the time I called him at night after I put my kids to bed. I didn’t know how I was going to stay sober. And that was the other thing is I had a lot on the line. Getting lost or getting loaded on a guy might have derailed my, my my agenda, which was to be the best mom I could be for my kids to keep custody of them. To have a decent relationship with my ex husband. And for either of those two work, I had to stay sober. So I knew that I couldn’t like lose my mind over this man.

Damona  20:11  

Yeah, but at what point did you start to have more than platonic feelings? Oh, is there a moment? Is there a memory that you have where you were like, huh?

Unknown Speaker  20:24  

and smiling. You can’t see that.

Unknown Speaker  20:27  

I, I would say, you know, how, like, you watch a reality show, and they’re, you know, sequester together for 30 days or whatever. And you think there’s no way they could have that much of a bond in that that faster time is just not reality doesn’t work. So I, the bond that I formed with Scott felt like those bonds that I see on reality shows when people kind of fall in love, so I definitely had those feelings for him in treatment. I think I felt bonded to him that way. I just, I felt like I loved him, but I didn’t know if it would if it would stand the test of reality, you know, being that we did live in two different states, we are vastly different in our backgrounds, you know, besides the fact that he’s white, and I’m black. He’s like an outdoorsman. And I’m the city mouse. You want nothing to do with the outside?

Unknown Speaker  21:26  

And you know, and I think demonic like that is one of the things that’s really curious that, that I, I’ve looked at as we go along in this relationship, and I see other people is that the things that I was attracted to her were not the normal things that I would be attracted to, and in a relationship that didn’t work from the past. And I was curious about who she was, without all the other stuff, you know, where she had come from, what she did what she looked like, I didn’t know that at the time. And I think that that’s why we were like, you know, you were like Oh, I can see what you were attracted to. And you would think I would look at her and be like, holy cow. She’s so beautiful, which was one piece of it. But there was this other just deep curiosity about who she was. That that didn’t check all the boxes right off. Oh,

Damona  22:16  

yeah. All my listeners right now are nodding their heads because they’re like damona always talks about being led by curiosity. So you thank you for being my guest. But at a certain point, curiosity gets you so far, and then you have to get into the reality. And you each have kids, you’re in different places, blending of family and deciding to be together and take that next step from like, sort of fantasy to everyday reality. What was that like for you?

Unknown Speaker  22:52  

Well,

Unknown Speaker  22:54  

it’s still happening. Right.

Unknown Speaker  22:58  

So squatters don’t. So Scott moved to Los Angeles about a month or two after we left treatment and stayed in a sober living

Unknown Speaker  23:09  

a year and a half.

Unknown Speaker  23:10  

And then and then moved to another.

Unknown Speaker  23:14  

Another house after that.

Unknown Speaker  23:17  

I stayed in my home, or I have been with my husband and my kids. My husband was not there anymore, but I stayed there. So we that’s when we started dating. We dated for six years. Well, living in separate places. Yeah.

Damona  23:32  

Slow love again. Ding, ding, ding.

Unknown Speaker  23:35  

I’m always talking about that.

Unknown Speaker  23:36  

Oh, and people would tell me like, you know, you’re going to want to move in, you’re going to want to say like, anytime that I went through the insecurity of where it was our relationship, I would always feel like, you know, he let’s move in, because that’ll make it you know, so that we’re together. But I would resist that feeling and we would continue to put our family first. In perspective recoveries first before we put ourselves first or our needs first. That seemed to guide us for a long time. First, there were a number of times where I wished that we lived together. But I was glad we didn’t make that move, because it really allowed us to get to know each other in a way that I don’t think would have happened if we had jumped in out of a financial convenience or an emotional and security like,

Damona  24:20  

yeah, let’s talk about that, too. Because a lot of times on the show, I’ve talked about moving in together and like I hosted a show for ad networks, called the question of love, where we did just what you’re talking about, we moved the couples in together for 30 days to work with me and determine if this relationship was going to make it or if somebody had to move out like super high stakes. But I always said and when I blogged for that show, I talked about all of the questions you need to ask yourself and your partner before you decide to move in and what a disaster it is to move in together out of the reasons that you said like financial convenience or because Well, you’re getting tired of the commute to their house. So what was your thought process when you finally decided to move in? And Blender families? How did you set yourself up for success? Well,

Unknown Speaker  25:17  

I say one one thing right off the bat is Scott and I are each financially independent. And we keep it that way. So that is helpful for me.

Unknown Speaker  25:30  

It’s so there isn’t any

Unknown Speaker  25:34  

any need to rely on him that way or vice versa? You know, I had a terrible experience growing up with a stepfather who wasn’t who didn’t like me and and maybe took advantage of every opportunity to show me that it Scott is so not that guy. He’s not that guy at all, but I didn’t want to Post anyone on my boys who were still, you know, tender from the fact that their parents weren’t living together anymore. They were like eight and 10 then so you know, it was really easy to, to put them first and that way and created an environment where they felt really safe and and kind of let them get to know Scott through visits or dinners. We started taking trips with his daughters and my kids, we started putting them down. We started blending them that way, like what once every summer we short trips, short trips. And then they got longer and longer and then our kids started asking for them. And they became started asking to see one another. And they became this tradition. You know, we started driving from one end of the country to the other during the summer with our families.

Unknown Speaker  26:51  

Either way, yes, a Chicago down to New Orleans for Wow, yeah, we would each get a van and stay in a hotel. All together. So we Yeah, that became we did that for years.

Unknown Speaker  27:03  

For years. We just we just haven’t done it the last couple years because college and high school schedules haven’t allowed it. But But yeah, we, we so we, we did it really slowly. So I don’t know for me that there was one moment where I was like, it’s time, let’s blend.

Unknown Speaker  27:20  

I think that meeting and rehab gave us was the ability to not be in a relationship based on the other’s potential. We didn’t see each other as you know, she’ll be a great partner or that we were absolutely kind of opened up at the core of who we were. And I think we bonded at that place. So we knew we already knew each other at a place where I had never known anybody else. So as we got to know one another, we always had that point of reference, right? Like most relationships work the other way where you present yourself in this really formal fashion, your agent,

Unknown Speaker  27:57  

your representative into the relationship.

Unknown Speaker  28:00  

Were they presented like, here’s what I do. And here’s what I have. And here’s what I like. And here’s what I want. And here’s, you know, and then as you get to know them, you get to you get closer and closer to the real person who, here’s where I am when everything is terrible, do you still love me? And we got to meet at that place where everything was stripped away from us. And we were just, we were Lauren Scott with this long backstory. And I honestly think is as big as our lives have gotten in the last 12 years, we still have that place. Like you said, that strong place that we bond like, like a shipwreck, right? We’re both rescued from a shipwreck, and we’re standing there looking at each other. Like, Tell me your story. How did you get here?

Damona  28:39  

There’s also something to be said for secrets in a relationship, right? A lot of people ask me, when should I talk about my divorce or when should I reveal my struggle with addiction or whatever deep dark thing that we have shame around that we’ve locked away that we don’t want To let out on a first date or a second date, or even years into a relationship. So there’s something to be said for putting all the messy stuff on the table in the beginning, and then sort of rebuilding working backwards from there. Absolutely. I mean, that’s exactly what it was. We were, you know, totally stripped down.

Unknown Speaker  29:23  

You know, me literally, like, no one to do my hair or my nails.

Unknown Speaker  29:28  

Kind of like right now, right? It’s just

Unknown Speaker  29:31  

the other day this is the only other time in my life that I haven’t gotten my nails done for this longest when I was in treatment, or my rooms

Unknown Speaker  29:40  

and you know, I honestly like this has not been you know, I think all of us been quarantined with the person we love. It’s been really a challenge for everyone. It’s new, right? We normally have a place to run an escape but I there are moments when I absolutely Look at her and say I’m so glad that I’m doing this with you.

Unknown Speaker  29:56  

Yeah.

Damona  29:58  

Oh, I feel the same way. And I, like I said to my husband last night, if we can make it through this, we can literally make it through anything. Now let’s let’s move that’s fast forward in your relationship, because I know you’re both creatives. And you have this wonderful podcast, the only one in the room. Thank you. Work together. Yeah, no, it’s it’s fantastic. And just for those of you who haven’t gotten a chance to hear it yet, it’s Laura and Scott having these really deep, intimate conversations with someone who has that has had that experience of being the only only one in the room. Laura, can you talk a little bit about what inspired that podcast and then also, I want to hear from both of you about the creative process of working together because that adds a whole other layer

Unknown Speaker  30:54  

Isa days. Yeah. So the the The short answer is the I wrote an article for huffpost in October of 2018, about being the only black person at a 600 person retreat, and the article went viral. And when it did, I started immediately getting comments and direct messages. I counted there were 568. Total in about a week. And yeah, it was I had never experienced anything like that. I haven’t experienced anything like that sense that a lot of the the comments and messages were hashtag the only one in the room. Also, most of them weren’t from black people, which shocked me. I thought this was going to be an article that black people would say, Oh, yeah, I’ve been that. I understand that feeling. That well. What happened was everybody It seemed to be the majority of the people took my race out of it and just identified with the feelings of being or feeling others. And so I was in a class at the time of podcasting class. I just wanted to learn more about podcasting. So, for my class project, I did the only one in the room as as a an idea for a project and recorded a trailer for it. That was our the culmination of the class at kcrw W, which is a local public radio here and in Los Angeles, and, and someone I posted a picture of me recording the trailers. A good friend of mine from a long time ago site asked me if he could be a guest on the show. When I launched and I like, I don’t know if I’m really doing a show. And he says, Oh, you should you should talk to my friend who has a podcasting network. So I set up a meeting With her name is Alison Marino, and she is she and she does the advertising. She sells advertising for our podcast and about 16 others. And I was sitting in bed with Scott, you know, emailing her back and forth and I turned to him and I’m like, hey, if I do this, you’re gonna have to produce it for me. And he was like,

Unknown Speaker  33:24  

Okay. I Well,

Unknown Speaker  33:26  

no idea what I was getting into.

Unknown Speaker  33:28  

And, you know, the thing about Scott is, he is exactly the opposite of me, in that he is this empath. And, you know, he leads with his heart. In his head, he has, you know, he can sense someone’s state of mind from when they walk into the room without even really looking at them. He can just tell how they’re doing. I’m I’m cerebral. I’m you know, I work out of In my head, I do everything that way. So he’s a good Yin to my Yang, and that. And he’s also super organized. And, you know, I came from film, film and television years ago, and I know that the best producers are people that are organized. So

Unknown Speaker  34:18  

I thought it’d be a great idea.

Unknown Speaker  34:22  

And was it a great idea as a team player? So I said, Yes. Some days, it’s a good idea. Some days, I’m like, this is my job. I guess what I didn’t understand was that producing is every great idea you have you have to put into play. And I didn’t know that. So I’ll come up with some great idea. And she’ll be like, Yeah, why don’t you go do that? Ah,

Damona  34:47  

it’s a lot of work.

Unknown Speaker  34:47  

But I think that I there was a point where I was trying, I was really a little bit jealous of what was going on because she was getting so much attention. She was pursuing the things that she wanted, and I had the chance of whether or not was whether or not I was going to be a part of that. Or I was going to go do my own thing. And through the course of some soul searching, I decided that being a part of it would be more of a blessing, like the challenges of learning how to work together might be easier than me heading off in my own direction and trying to do something for myself.

Damona  35:21  

Wait, and I just want to pause there, Scott, because you said something really profound and you kind of breezed over it. So I don’t even know if you realize how profound it was. But you said, you were feeling a little bit jealous, which is a very brave thing to admit, in a relationship. And sometimes partners get into this dynamic where they are in competition with each other and you had a choice to either be in competition with your lady or to support

Unknown Speaker  35:53  

her. That was absolutely where I was, and I have a few men in my life that are evolved and when I change Turn to them and ask them what I should do. They were like, why wouldn’t you want to help support her? And I thought, and I had to get honest, like you said, with myself and say, is it just that I’m insecure? Or is it you know, that I’m afraid of being a part of something bigger. So I sort of have determined that my job in life my goal, my true ambition is to lift others out. And I saw this as an opportunity to lift her up.

Unknown Speaker  36:26  

This is why I love him.

Damona  36:28  

It’s amazing. You both are amazing. I, I am so honored that you took the time, especially right now, to sit down and chat with me about your story. If we could leave our listeners with just one piece of advice. There are a lot of people listening, men and women who are single and right now feeling rather lonely, and maybe not the most optimistic that love will be there for them on the other side of this and you both have been, you’ve come from a very dark place to be able to find love and build this beautiful relationship. I’d love to get just one piece of advice from each of you. For our listeners,

Unknown Speaker  37:12  

go to rehab.

Unknown Speaker  37:16  

No kidding,

Damona  37:17  

just find a thing.

Unknown Speaker  37:22  

I’ll tell you that.

Unknown Speaker  37:25  

Because of the way Scott and I met,

Unknown Speaker  37:29  

I had to fight every instinct that I have, I think to protect myself. By fronting by showing them something or it’s showing them versions of myself instead of the whole me. Because of how we met I wasn’t able to do that and I still fight

Unknown Speaker  37:48  

to

Unknown Speaker  37:50  

to be be myself That sounds so trite, but it’s true. I fight not to keep part of myself hidden or see critter edit myself in front of him when I’m with them, and it’s really obvious to me that is a battle worth fighting because when he sees me the way that I am, he loves me even more. And it’s really evident. So I think for me, my advice would be to, you know, obviously not to vomit all over somebody during the front date and tell them first date and tell them everything. But to resist that urge to edit yourself into front and to present a version of yourself that might be more attractive or more palatable to whoever it is that you’re interested in and, and just be who you are and be confident about that confidence. Is that the sexiest thing ever.

Unknown Speaker  38:48  

It is

Damona  38:48  

and you you basically Yeah, summed up my tagline love as you are. That’s what it’s about. Be yourself and let that attract the right person for you. And sometimes the timeline is Short, sometimes it’s 13 years. But Scott, what about you? What what wisdom Can you impart? Well, I think I just have

Unknown Speaker  39:08  

to go with what she said, I think, you know, my as a man, I think what we do when we come to relationships is we try to protect authentically who we are. And I think the gifts that I got with Laura was to be who I was authentically and give her a chance to make a choice of whether that was good or bad. You know, I think when you withhold who you are authentically from anyone, you’re not giving them the choice to to love you or to or to not love you. And every time that I showed a piece of who I was to her, she embraced it more. And, And to me, that’s true intimacy. You know, I think men often think that intimacy is sex and I think intimacy is trust, you know, it’s and it, like I said earlier, it’s either you’re going to get there in the beginning or you’re going to wait a long time to get to that place where you have to be out there. don’t recruit someone and you have to be loved. And it seems at this point in my life to be more courageous and be authentic in the beginning.

Damona  40:08  

Yeah, it can be very scary, but seems based on your story that it’s well worth the reward. Thank you so much for being here. Laura Cathcart Robbins and Scott slaughter. I hope everyone will check out the only one in the room podcast and keep speaking your truth and sharing your stories. Thank you so much. Thank you, damona. I’m back and here with answers to your questions. Here’s the first one which came to me in a voicemail.

Unknown Speaker  40:42  

Hi Dimona, this is Debra from Raleigh, North Carolina. And my question is, do you think getting to know someone via video chat will have any impact on long term relationship success compared to the usual way of dating in person first, thanks a lot.

Damona  41:00  

dabra This is such a great question. And I wish I could predict the future. I mean, I can a little bit but I don’t do it on this show too often. I’m not sure overall, how it will impact our long term relationship success. But the best predictor of what’s going to happen in the future is what happened in the past. So if we look at how relationships have been successful, we talked about it on this show. We’ve talked about it on previous episodes. Slow love does win. So the fact that we are having to take it slower, and we’re having to have these deeper conversations without having physical intimacy, Y’all better not be having physical intimacy with people that you’re just meeting because you’re supposed to be quarantined. I think you are, but assuming that you’re still just chatting back and forth, or video chat dating. There still is room for surprise now The possibly negative side of this you’ve also heard me say on the show that sometimes when you are chatting with someone on the phone or messaging back and forth just over emails, or DMS or text or what have you, you start to develop an impression of the person that may or may not really exist in real life. And that could be that could be problematic, because once you move offline, the person is then competing with this fantasy idea in your head of who they might be. And it’s different video chat can’t quite get you the same feeling as you would get being in the same room with this person. Because remember, part of building chemistry is also eye contact, which is not ever great over video chat. And it’s also that physical contact. You’ve heard Talk I think on my flirting masterclass, I talked about how to escalate through physical touch, and you don’t have that. But what you do have is if you’ve built a deep connection, you have that desire that’s built up. And that anticipation of meeting that may fuel the the adrenaline and the oxytocin and all those great love hormones on the first date. So I don’t know, but I can tell you from clients I’ve had who have dated long distance and literally followed this exact same path, which was meet online, start talking on the phone first and then move very quickly to video chat. So you can see that that person really is who they say they are, and that you still have a rapport face to face, and then meet in person I try to say as soon as possible most of my successful international couples have met within the first eight weeks Updating which we’re still looks like potentially going to be within that window. And I have many, many success stories that have worked this way. But you have to do you have to do what I what I recommend in terms of setting up those video chat dates for success and setting them up like a real date. If you want more details on that I go into it in much more depth. In the Patreon group I just posted a couple weeks ago, a video chat dating tutorial. So if you want to join into the Patreon group, it’s only five bucks to join at the entry level and you’ll get access to that video, and many more videos patreon.com slash dates and mates. One more question before we go for today. Danielle says Hi, I love your podcast. Hi Danielle. She says I’m 44 and I’ve been divorced for 34 three years. I almost said 30 years. She said she’s been divorced for three years. And she has two teenage sons. She says I have a few year long relationships and lots of flings, but nothing lasting. I have a serious medical problem that I’ve been dealing with. Over the last two years, I’ve had two life threatening pulmonary embolisms, and now I’m on long term blood thinners. It’s difficult for me to know at what point I need to disclose this health issue when dating, if I say it too soon, I feel like I’m asking for someone to take care of me which I’m not. And if I wait too long, I found find out that they may not be up for it. And then I’ve wasted my time. In this time of the COVID-19 quarantines it has been especially difficult as part of my symptoms are dry cough and fatigue, which then scares people off what would you suggest? So Danielle, wow, this is a very specific situations so I’m gonna, I’m gonna break it down for you. But I’m also going to broaden it out first. For anyone who was dealing with a health condition, a disability

or a mental health challenge, anything up an STI, anything that is essentially private health information.

If it is not something that is visible like if you have there are some disabilities that if you don’t address it, people will start to wonder or get uncomfortable about it or have questions and you don’t want the questions to get out ahead of what you have to say. So if there are questions, you think that would come up? I would say go ahead and answer it. I think I’ve talked about on the show before how I had a client who had a pretty pronounced speech impediment. And so I would say to him to use that as part of it like I’m sorry, I I have a speech impediment and I stutter around beautiful women, which then gives that person explains so there not asking the question but it also gives them the the compliment and the sense that they are, you’re really excited to be speaking with with them. And that there’s something special about this connection that’s making you share that. Now, if you have something like, I don’t know a lot about a pulmonary embolism, but it sounds like it’s something that you deal with silently. That is not something that they would necessarily know unless they were spending a lot of time with you, that I believe falls under the category of information that needs to be earned by the right person. And you’ve probably heard me say on the show before, that when you go on a new date, you can’t just put all your stuff out on the table. There’s this feeling like we got to put it all out there. And if they still like me after all that, then it’s true love or if they run away, then it was meant to be and you have to remember that people need information. On a timeline that makes them care about the information they care about, you want to do the right thing. So if it’s too much up front, I’m not surprised that you’re saying, Daniel that sometimes they are like, I’m not up for this, and they run away. Because what they’re really saying, Let’s really break this down what they’re really saying, when they say I’m not up for that is, I’m afraid. I’m afraid that if I fall in love with you, and then something happens, what will that mean for me? And so then it’s like, this is a risky journey to take. And I mean, you know, because you live it every day. Yes, there are risks and yes, it’s it’s scary, but it’s a situation you’re in no matter what you didn’t get to choose. So if someone gets to choose, like, if you got to choose whether you have this situation or not, would you choose it? And I imagine the answer is probably no, but you’re in it now. So you need somebody that is willing To go the distance with you, and gets invested in the outcome of the relationship. So I can’t give you an exact timeline on when to share that. But I would say that’s a little bit further down the line that’s maybe four or five dates in or if there’s a situation where like, they need to know if you’re going out. If you’re going, let’s project to the future, we’re able to leave our houses, you’re going on a weekend trip and something could potentially happen and you need them to know what to do. If that happens, then it would be important to share that information but you share information on dates on a need to know basis, if it will increase intimacy, if it is something that would change the outcome of the date. If it’s something that they must know to be able to date you. Then you share it, but if it’s something where it could potentially push them away, and it isn’t something that you would share with a stranger at a cocktail party Then maybe it’s not something that you should be sharing on a first or second or third date. But, Danielle, if you’ve had a few year long relationships, and you’ve been divorced for three years, and you had you have two beautiful teenage sons, so you had a, you had a relationship that worked for a time, you’ve had other relationships that worked for a time, I’d say, girlfriend, you are doing something, right. And a lot of times people come to me frustrated with dating and saying, Well, I haven’t met the one. And I’m no good at dating. And then I look at their relationship past and they say, Well, I had this long term relationship. And I met this person on a dating app and we dated for six months. Those are successes. So don’t be afraid also to celebrate your successes, but then look at the areas in which you can improve and look at times in the past, look at the past behaviors when you did share that information, how it came came across, and how it was received. And see if you can then iterate the way that you say it. The timing that You share it. And when the right one is in front of you, not only will they understand Danielle, but they will embrace you for it and let you know that they’re going to be there for you. No matter what.

That’s it for today’s episode. I hope you enjoyed. I am at damona Hoffman on all the socials. I would love for you to send me a DM and it could be a comment on the show or a question. But it’s really what keeps me going and keeps me making the show in quarantine because I know I know y’all are counting on me. You’re counting on the show, to keep giving you that uplifting love story and the advice and so I’m going to keep doing it as long as I can and as long as you keep showing up for me, so do DM me or you can leave me a voicemail as Deborah did. You can leave that at 424-246-6255 even better yet why not become I’m a part of the Patreon community. And I have tons of bonus content, I’ll be doing some live q&a, I’ll be doing also a lot of additional content, you get access to the library of dates and mates, which is seven and a half years deep on most of the podcast platforms, you can only access the last hundred episodes. So if you want to go deeper with me, I invite you to join the community that’s just for our dates and mates, podcast listeners and those people that are really ready for more and ready to see what can happen in their love life if they’re willing to go to the next step. That’s at patreon.com slash dates and mates. The link will be in the show notes and I hope you will join me there until next week. I wish you good health, lots of love and of course, happy dating

Prenup Regret & International Love

DID YOU KNOW WHAT 21% OF MARRIED COUPLES ARE INTERNATIONAL RELATIONSHIPS?

According to a new study by Rapid Visa, 21% of married couples are born to a foreign-born spouse and most of them were long-distance at some point or other.

In light of these stats, the week’s episode of Dates & Mates is dedicated to encouraging daters like you to consider an international, multi-cultural, and/or long-distance relationship.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

DATING DISH (2:33)

You could have had it all, Adele.

Have you heard the rumors about Adele’s insanely expensive divorce settlement? According to recent reports, Adele will pay her ex, Simon Koneki, $140 million of her $190 million net worth. This is why we always get a prenup, friends.

Will your new relationship survive the pandemic?

We read this story in Glamour from a woman who is concerned about communication and emotional connection right now. Listen, things are difficult for dating right now but it doesn’t mean that your new relationship can’t flourish. Damona gives tips on how to keep the romance alive.

LONG-DISTANCE LOVE (12:00)

Damona covers a few interesting stats from this RapidVisa study:

  • Over 55% of these married couples met online
  • Many met over social media – around 80% of these couples met on Facebook
  • Where people meet IRL
  • And more!

Then we talk to 3 different couples who now live here in the United States but met the love of their lives in pretty unorthodox places

  • A bar in London.. on Valentine’s Day
  • A work trip to Nicaragua
  • A personals ad in a foreign country

Since all dating is long-distance dating right now, you might as well learn something from these insanely inspiring couples.

There is a lot to be learned from the love stories of couples like Alex and Kate, James and Pria, and Dr. Tonny and Lillian, we’ve decided to kick off a whole series with dating advice from couples who are not certified experts in love.

In the next few weeks, I’m going to deep dive into some pretty interesting love stories and get down to the bottom of why their relationships work.

Next week’s couple? They met in rehab.

We am so excited for you to hear these unorthodox love stories and really break down the lessons that you can apply to your own love story.

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email – I’m not your typical 53-year-old black woman: I have a lot of creativity, a master’s degree, I’m fit, I’m funny, attractive—I’m a catch! But I have always found dating online a real challenge. I feel like the cards are stacked against me. Each year for the past 3 years, I try out a new dating app, but after 3 or 4 months, I stop. I find I’m either dealing with scammers or pretty much no one at all. I reach out to folks and say hello, send a note, etc. I post a variety of pictures: here I am with friends, here’s a full body shot of me on my own, etc. I think I’m doing all the right things, but I don’t seem to get any play. What would you suggest I do to be more successful?
  • Email from Kevin – I’m an introvert, but am trying to learn how to approach in public places and to flirt. How can I know if the woman I’m attracted to is available?? I of course look for a ring, but it seems like it’s impossible to know for sure.

 

 

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

 

 

 

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.

Sign up at patreon.com/datesandmates for: 

  • an opportunity to work with Damona directly
  • to get quality advice that is tailored to your dating challenges
  • and to become part of a community that will help you find the healthiest, most loving relationships this year

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers. Welcome to Dayton mates. Well, we’ve made it. Well, we’ve made it this far at least, the Hoffman household has officially been quarantined together for a full month. And everyone’s still here. You know, my husband and I looked at each other last night and we said, if we can get through this, we can get through anything. And I offer that to you my listeners as well. I’m here for you. And we are going to get through this together. Every week, I’ll be making more dates and dates, and maybe even doing some special content for my patreon friends with benefits and special bonus episodes. So keep tuning in. stay subscribed, and I have more love common attic because everybody needs more love right now, the next few episodes are going to be a little different than usual. Rather than talking to experts and giving advice, I want to inspire you with different kinds of love stories. I’m choosing to look at Corona time as we call it in my house as a unique opportunity to expand outside our comfort zone. And today, I’m hoping to inspire you to explore dating and relationships in unexpected places, perhaps even on the other side of the world. This year, census data showed us that 21% of married couples in the US are married to a foreign born spouse. So we’re going to talk to three couples who will share their amazing love stories and we’re also going to break down a study that tells you exactly how to find your own foreign But first, we’ve got headlines. Today I’ll be dishing about the week’s news including what you can learn from Adele’s expensive divorce. And can your new relationship survive Coronavirus? Then we’ll be answering your questions including Why do you keep striking out on dating apps? And how do you know that the person you’re attracted to is available? All that and more on today’s dates and mates? Let’s hit these headlines.

Damona  2:36  

Now you may have heard that Adele and her baby daddy aka ex husband are officially over but did you hear about the terms of this divorce settlement? If you heard them, they may not be so correct because the the documents have been sealed at Adele’s request, but Rumor has it that he’s getting 140 million dollars of her reported 190 million dollar net worth. Here’s what I’m wondering all. Now if you she was already big when she married him. If you already had that many assets and you had that much that you’d worked so hard to build, why wouldn’t you want to protect it? I cannot understand being so madly in love with someone that you would just throw caution to the wind assume you’re going to be together forever and not do a prenup. I know a lot of my listeners, y’all been working, you have put money away you have assets that are yours. You don’t want somebody coming in and taking that from you. So this is going to be a hard learned lesson for Adele. But you know if she was signing any kind of an agreement for her music, she would have her lawyers on that in a second. So we want to stay positive And hopeful about love. But we also want to be realistic when there’s so much money at stake. And I’m sure this is going to be a very difficult time for Adele and for Simon, but maybe they can dry their tears with all that money. I read this very interesting article and glamour, one of my favorite publications Will my new relationship survive the pandemic. Of course, with all stories, we will put the links in the show notes at dates and maids calm. But this was about a woman who started dating a guy a couple months ago and I’ve heard a similar story from many of my listeners who’ve written in to the show. Their last eight happen right before everything shut down. This is a hard time to start a new relationship. So I want to give you a couple tips if you find yourself in the situation of this author. Texting is a lousy way to build a relationship. You have heard me say on the show before that texting is for information and not conversation in the earliest Part of the relationship but I just want to clarify, I don’t just mean pre first date, or even after first date, I mean as you are getting to know someone. So try to get off texting as much as you can if you’re finding yourself in a new, new relationship. And also remember that slow Love is the way to go. We have a lot of time ahead of us that we need to fill. So why not take it slow with someone new, and see what can happen in the end and it may not work out. But don’t project ahead to where you think it’s going. Try to stay in the moment, just as I say on a first date. Try to stay in the moment of now and look for the moments of magic. Practice that slow love. You’ll hear more about slow love with our couples today. And in the next segment, I will prove to you that long distance relationships really can work. But before I give you a super important tip for loving the time of Corona I want to shout out a couple of our listeners who took the time to write to me this week about how much they love the show. Nicole says she listens while running. She’s probably listening to this in her headphones right now running down the street. And she says that the show is so helpful to her. Dave also wrote to say that he heard the most recent episode, and all of the episodes and see originally learned of dates and maids. Hello, Dave. And Casey, thank you for tagging me on your story about your dating challenges. Casey says she hates memes from guys that she doesn’t even know I don’t know if you agree. I’m kind of a fan of memes, Casey. But I get it if you don’t know that person yet. And you don’t understand their sense of humor or vice versa. It can be too much too soon. How do you listen to dates and mates? What tips have been helpful for you? I would love for you to DM me or post a story like Casey and tag me at damona Hoffman and now before we share these inspiring long distance love stories, let me give you some important advice.

 

In today’s world, you might find love in unexpected places. You’ve heard me say on the show before that, not only do you have more choice in dating than ever before, your dating pool has expanded from your local community, to anyone anywhere in the world. Over the past 30 years k one fiance visas have increased by an unbelievable 75% and recent census data reveals that 21% of all married couple households in the US have at least one foreign born spouse. Today I’ll be sharing the stories and advice from three couples who met someone who lived in another country and are now building a life with them together in America. Just a little context. Before we begin on international relationships, this is based on a study by rapid visa. I know you’re wondering where are people meeting someone abroad, you assume that they’re meeting them online, which is largely true 55% of applicants first met online. But when you’re saying online, we’re just talking about dating sites and dating apps. We’re not even including social media in that. And it turns out that Facebook supports over 80% of all social media meeting stories. And that means a couple of things that they are a part of people meeting but also that they’re a part of people communicating. So a lot of times when people talk about online dating, they forget this whole other world of social media being a connector. There’s another online world that you’re probably not including when you think of online dating, gaming. There are a lot of couples now who are are meeting through gaming and through through online games where you can connect country to country. This is happening a lot. According to the rapid visa data from Europe and Canada. Those couples tend to trend a little younger, but those relationships are strong just the same. Then of course, there’s IRL, the guddle in person meeting. This is a common pathway for K one applicants who have met through business trips or being on vacation or through family or friends. I know we’ve seen some horror stories on 90 day fiance, which is a great show, a show I love personally, but many of those stories make great television because they’re outliers. And if these rapid visa stats don’t convince you that you’re dating, Destiny might be International. Maybe some of these couples will our first couple Priya and James met while he was in the Air Force, stay In London, they met at a bar on Valentine’s Day, but she was there with another guy.

 

Unknown Speaker  10:08  

It’s not as bad as it sounds, I promise.

 

Unknown Speaker  10:11  

Oh, I thought they were together but they weren’t. They both start talking talking to me. We sparked up a conversation. She went to the bathroom. He was basically like, Whoa, we’re not together. So if you want to talk to him, you can talk to him.

 

Damona  10:29  

Wait, who was that guy? I have to

 

Unknown Speaker  10:30  

ask. It was just a friend,

 

Damona  10:33  

just a friend. He went to the bar and you’re, you’re like, we’re going to drown our single sorrows together. And then here comes this guy. Did you know right away Did you feel the sparks with James immediately, um,

 

Unknown Speaker  10:46  

I may have had a couple of drinks beforehand. And it was Valentine’s Day. So

 

Unknown Speaker  10:53  

I saw him and I thought, Okay, he’s,

 

Unknown Speaker  10:55  

he looks okay. I think he was probably a little bit more into me than I was. Was into him at the beginning. Unless you tell

 

Damona  11:04  

James, what’s your side of that story?

 

Unknown Speaker  11:06  

Actually, they start talking to me first. So I think the feeling was mutual. And that’s my story and I’m sticking to it

 

Unknown Speaker  11:12  

six years on, we still argue about it. So

 

Damona  11:16  

However, for our second couple, Kate and Alex, it’s a little different. They met in his home country of Nicaragua, while Kate was on a teaching expedition and he was their interpreter. Alex swears that it was love at first sight.

 

Unknown Speaker  11:32  

So this was like a more of a meta was love

 

Unknown Speaker  11:34  

at first sight.

 

Unknown Speaker  11:37  

Because when I say hello to her, you know, the first time I could feel like law, Dodge my heart

 

Damona  11:44  

and Kate, when you were working together, obviously it’s a it’s a tricky situation. If you’re working with someone you’re also visiting and you’re in another country. At what point did you bridge the conversation that there was something special that there was a magic there between the two of you.

 

Unknown Speaker  12:01  

Yeah. So it was a little different for me. I mean, at first, I didn’t feel like a super strong connection. But as we spent those days together working, and there was time as well, just to kind of enjoy and he came with us on excursions. I remember this very specific moment where we were walking down a street in this beautiful colonial city called Granada. And Alex just had this amazing piece, and like positivity, like just no worries in the world, like air about him. And I remember watching him walk and just thinking, Oh, my God, I want more of what he has. I want to be around this guy a lot. Because I want to feel what he feels. And that was the moment for me where I was like, wait a minute, this guy’s special.

 

Damona  12:55  

Oh, I’m so glad that you said that because my listeners have heard me say on the show before And my clients always hear me say, get into the feeling of what it’s like being with this person forget about the list and all of the boxes that you’re checking in your mate and really get into the moment in that in that instant that you’re with them. What are you feeling? Oh

 

Unknown Speaker  13:18  

my gosh, well, it’s funny because immediately when you think about like that list of like what you’re looking for in a guy, um, he didn’t really like align with what I had in my mind as what I thought I wanted. But just like you said, I couldn’t get over this beautiful feeling I had in his presence. And for once I decided to just follow my heart and follow what I was feeling versus what like the little voice in the head was saying and worked out pretty well.

 

Damona  13:51  

Our third couple Dr. Tony path, and Lillian met pre dating apps through an old school personals. Add their love story is 20 years in the making.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:03  

I saw that newspaper. It’s called buy and sell magazine at that time 20 years ago. And then

 

Unknown Speaker  14:12  

yeah, this is 1998.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:14  

Yeah. And then, and then when I read this name, I cried it out, put it in my purse, and I decided to go to church and pray for him. And then after that, I wrote to him already and we started writing to each other.

 

Unknown Speaker  14:33  

So we were writing letters that was using paper and a thing called a pen. Our communication was about every 10 days for

 

Damona  14:45  

Priya and James there was an added roadblock with James’s military service. Unfortunately, that magical dating honeymoon period was cut short when James was deployed for six months after just five months of them being together very early On they had to learn to keep the romance alive, long distance.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:04  

That was very hard. So it was mainly using FaceTime and WhatsApp WhatsApp is what we use the most for communicating sending pictures, video and voice calls, and Texas, and that’s about it. I know a lot of people use special apps and play games. But that’s not something that we really got into

 

Damona  15:31  

Katyn, Alex also shared with me their tips on keeping the romance alive.

 

Unknown Speaker  15:35  

Everyone’s heard of the languages of love, right. And I think that one of the keys to success if you’re going to have a long distance or international relationship, is that you know, you really have to rely on like the words of affirmation and words of love and like language to express your love because you can’t show up. physical affection and you can’t necessarily show like acts of service. So, for us, I’m just being super open about everything that we may be feeling and being super communicative. And I am spoiled because I got this beautiful, romantic Latino man who has no problem expressing his feelings. So that was always I think something that helped was being romantic and being intentional with with your communication, rather than just the like, hey, how’s your day? Hey, what you doing?

 

Damona  16:42  

What’s that different for you, Kate, then with prior relationships, did you feel like American men were not as able to express

 

Unknown Speaker  16:50  

I think it’s easy to just say, Oh, it’s an American thing. I don’t think it is. To be honest. I think it’s very specific for the man but I’m lucky that I Got one.

 

Damona  17:00  

Alex, what advice do you have for someone in an international or long distance relationship right now?

 

Unknown Speaker  17:07  

Keep in touch with your partner because it made me feel like I’m giving her my support all the time. It made me feel like I was I was telling her that I was fighting to her to be together,

 

Unknown Speaker  17:24  

fighting to be together. Yeah, that was really, you know, great. You know, to hear, you know, men don’t usually open up a lot, but he was really opening up to me a lot. And you always say, like, Oh, this is really hard for me to be away from you. You know, and that makes that made me feel really good.

 

Damona  17:42  

Something to note about these relationships is that technology is crucial, but not always available. Tech that we take for granted in the states isn’t always standard elsewhere.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:54  

This long distance relationship there. We didn’t. We didn’t email much because Her cell service wasn’t good. And we weren’t texting all the time because her cell service wasn’t good. And, and so how what’s a long distance relationship like and Lillian summed it up the other night, she said,

 

Unknown Speaker  18:16  

it sucks. Now that I’m here in the US, I think the connection internet connection is not a problem anymore.

 

Damona  18:24  

One key element that I really want you to note is that all of these couples were forced to slow down and get to know each other. You know, I’m always talking about slow love.

 

Unknown Speaker  18:35  

And the

 

Damona  18:36  

time it takes to complete the visa process meant that not only did they have to commit to one another at the beginning, but they had to keep choosing each other day after day, even when they were apart. Now, obviously, these stories have happy endings, because you can hear babies in the background of two of these couples, but it wasn’t always clear that they were destined to be together.

 

Unknown Speaker  19:00  

There were a lot of roadblocks, um, basically, the I think the biggest one being the actual k one visa process that added a lot of stress and tension between us. And it was it really took a toll on our relationship for for a while. That’s what I think the biggest thing was, is that dealing with that frustration, and trying to communicate through it, and I think we kind of lost that. And in the process a little bit. So that was a big, big thing for me.

 

Unknown Speaker  19:33  

Yeah. Especially after a long day at work. Or if you’ve got other stressors and just having that luxury of just coming home to someone and just being able to talk through your day. It’s not the same over the phone, then it would be face to face as well. The biggest struggles I had was, it was special days and no Valentine’s Days and anniversaries and birthdays where you’re single, but you’re not single at the same time. So everyone’s going on the day. getting treated special then you’re with someone so you can’t go for dates but at the same time they’re not there with you. So I think that’s what I found the most difficult.

 

Unknown Speaker  20:11  

What I would say is make sure you you you really want it when you make this decision because it is it is hard and you also got to know yourself like you got you got to know that you’re going to be going home by yourself every night. Can you deal with that? And you know, stay true stay faithful it means is it’s a hard thing to do. So you got to know you got to know yourself. But if you found that person that you want to you want to be with and it just so happens they’re from a different country. I don’t think that’s a good enough reason not to pursue it.

 

Damona  20:47  

And even after they’re all together, the challenges don’t stop there. Priya. Have you experienced any challenges just coming from different cultural backgrounds and from different countries where The the norms are very different. How, how has that played out for you? And how have you been able to sort of expand your horizons in being in a relationship with someone who’s from a very different background?

 

Unknown Speaker  21:14  

Luckily, we speak the same language. So that always helps us communicate. And but to be fair, coming from London, I was surrounded by people from different cultures and religious and racial backgrounds, different languages, so I think I was able to come into this country and open up, open up my arms and just try to embrace the American culture. Things I have found difficult was mainly as you know, James and I are very, very different. You know, I’m Indian, he’s African American, we’re complete different interests. Everything about us is completely different. So I think getting used To being married to someone from a different background was pretty tough at the beginning, I grew up believing I’d be marrying someone he was Indian. And

 

Damona  22:09  

was it an adjustment period for your family as well? Did they have an expectation that you would marry someone who was Indian,

 

Unknown Speaker  22:16  

of course, that was probably the most difficult things that I faced, it was harder than me coming to this country totally alone. It did take a while for my family, to get used to the idea that I was going to be leaving the country away from them where they couldn’t protect me as a Indian female. I believe that the families think about a woman should be protected and stay at home. I broke out of that mold. Got my own place.

 

Unknown Speaker  22:48  

But yeah, when I did come over here, they weren’t too thrilled about it.

 

Unknown Speaker  22:54  

I was going to different countries marrying someone who’s African American who didn’t share the same values that are I was brought up with

 

Damona  23:01  

I don’t know if either of you can answer this question but with so much stacked on the surface stacked against you so many factors that you had to navigate through from the visa process to the cultural differences to the moves, what made you stay in it? How did you know that this was the one

 

Unknown Speaker  23:21  

you know, even even though the time that we spent together at first was a short period of time? We I think I can safely say speak for both of us we we wanted each other and we wanted to do this and that’s that’s like half the battle you know what it’s like when you’re together. So what you what you when you have to deal with these hardships and all the cars stacked against you and this happened and that happened in law this long distance. You know, you’re waiting for something great. So, basically, you can choose to just throw it away when it gets hard and you know, go your separate way. Just so it can be easier now or do you want to really go through it and then your life can be great later so that’s that’s basically what it was for me

 

Unknown Speaker  24:09  

I’m stubborn so I just probably wanted to ride it out

 

Unknown Speaker  24:14  

a lot of people get stuck in oh I want this type of person this person has to be exactly like me or it’s not going to work. I think you can find common ground with a great person as I did you know, um, if you if you just broaden your horizons a little bit you know, if you if you look at me and Priya, you is with two totally, completely different people. But we make it work and it is great you know, I believe in the term opposites attract she teaches me the best parts of myself and and some of the things that I do well rubs off on her And we make it work that way. So just

 

Unknown Speaker  25:04  

take down the barriers and you know, sometimes just gotta let it have

 

Damona  25:08  

Kate and Alex shared their challenges too. So this has probably been a very big transition for you, Alex, not just in moving into a marriage but also in uprooting your life and basically, you know, starting over in a new country, what if some of the challenges been that you maybe didn’t anticipate before you were married?

 

Unknown Speaker  25:34  

One of the also where there are a lot of challenge. For example, the food is

 

Unknown Speaker  25:43  

the type of food that I have never, you know, try it.

 

Unknown Speaker  25:46  

It’s funny, like if I make him a sandwich for lunch, which is so American, he’s like, what is this?

 

Unknown Speaker  25:52  

I don’t want to eat this.

 

Damona  25:55  

Surely you must have found some good food in New York is taking me

 

Unknown Speaker  26:00  

Time to

 

Unknown Speaker  26:03  

you know, to get a custom Yeah, get a golf team to do it.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:07  

I think one of the other challenges Sorry, I can just add for that for you, honey. Um, you know, the we’ve talked a lot about is American pace of life and we live very quickly, not currently because of the terribly sad COVID situation where everyone’s kind of on lockdown, but typically we live a very fast life. We’re very scheduled we have a lot going on. And and you know, that was kind of hard for Alex and you know, the concept of like rushing somewhere doesn’t really exist in Nicaragua. Like if you are not going to be on time no one cares. Like even weddings can start two hours late and no one cares. Yeah.

 

Unknown Speaker  26:53  

So everything is playing in here that so everybody has a plan for the for what you are going to Today what we’re gonna do tomorrow so the everybody has a plan but we don’t have planning the car over. And you’re we are just leaving the present you know,

 

Damona  27:10  

maybe that’s why you have that that joy for life.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:15  

That’s exactly Yes.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:16  

For example, I want to I want to be seen my friend Amy country in my country if I want to be seen my friend, I just you know, and I just go and say I want to go to PC my friend right now and I go to his house, no problem by here. I got to so I had to get an appointment to get taken, you know,

 

Damona  27:39  

and show up.

 

Unknown Speaker  27:41  

Yeah, but another challenge is there the weather because we only have the summer and winter and now I have four seasons. And

 

Unknown Speaker  27:54  

we should clarify when he says winter. He means like 75 degrees Yeah. Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:04  

guys a little a little

 

Damona  28:05  

bit rainy maybe? Yeah,

 

Unknown Speaker  28:07  

a lot of rain. Yeah. And

 

Damona  28:08  

you went to one of the snowiest places in the United States. Yeah. New York.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:15  

Yeah. So and when I got here, I will say the reason you know, and I and I’m freezing all the time.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:22  

It’s so funny. I used to get invited to snuggle up and I’d be like, Honey, what are you wearing? anytime I’m like, wool socks, flannel pajama pants, a wool sweater like all in bed? Yeah, I think that honestly one of the biggest challenges we’ve had, even though he speaks English, and I’m fluent in Spanish. There’s still just a lot of cultural, like hidden meanings in the way we communicate. And there’s been certain things that like I would say, as an American, that wouldn’t seem offensive, but he finds them offensive, or things that he would say to me in Spanish that he doesn’t mean To be rude at all, but I find them very rude. So we’ve had to have a lot of moments where like, we just pause and have to say like, honey, you know, like, that didn’t feel good to me because X, Y and Z. And then he’s like, Oh, I didn’t know I’m sorry, or vice versa. So that’s been something that like I never really anticipated as to be a challenge and in this like, bicultural relationship, but

 

Damona  29:26  

we’re working through it every day. That’s such valuable advice, Kate, even for people that are not in a bicultural relationship. They’re we’re so quick to jump to a conclusion. We’re so quick to say that you you tried to hurt my feelings by saying that and so it’s almost a plus that you can take a moment and say, where’s this misunderstanding coming from? Maybe it’s the language maybe it’s the culture without being too cheesy. I just want to say that love overcame all in these offices. Don’t let any of these deter you from trying long distance or international or even a

 

Unknown Speaker  30:06  

multicultural romance. People are the same everywhere. They all want to be happy. They all want to find true love. They all want somebody that they can grow all with just knowing to be patient. Number one, be patient. Because there is a process and it will test you. There. There’ll be some frustrating and some crying moments. But if you’re patient, you will have the best thing you could ever have. I think in a relationship.

 

Unknown Speaker  30:41  

Yeah, for me, I think if you found someone and you decide to commit yourself to that person, and I think you will work on that, because I believe that everything happens for a reason. And I always remember what Tony told me that the highest power has brought us back together. So I always believe that prayer is very, very powerful. So, if there are couples out there, they should trust that one up there to make the relationship work.

 

Unknown Speaker  31:20  

If you feel it’s right, then you definitely have to go for it. There’s so many things that could get in the way was going to be, it could be a long hard road, but no relationship relationship is easy. If you can get through this, you can definitely get through so much more as hard to find someone that you love. And sometimes they might, they might not be in the same country. They might not speak the same language. They might have different values, but you just need to work together and in the end, I think you can have a happy ending.

 

Unknown Speaker  31:53  

Having an international relationship can seem scary. You know, because you have to rescue a lot and you don’t know how it’s going to work out. But all I can say is take the risk because it’s probably gonna be worth it in the end and it might be hard but

 

Damona  32:11  

you will see the the beautiful gifts if you can persevere and make it through. Thanks to Priya, and James, Kate and Alex and Dr. Pop and Lillian for joining us today, we’ll put up pictures of the couples on our blog at dates and mates calm and a little bit more info on their stories if you’re interested in reading more about them. And a very special thanks to rapid visa for conducting a study on international dating, which inspired this whole topic and for introducing us to these couples. During this pandemic, it seems like all dating is long distance dating. I hope that you’re walking away from this segment with some inspiration and a new outlook on long distance relationships. But that’s not all folks. We’ve got more dates in May answers to your love questions are coming right up. Stick around. Welcome back to dates and mates. If you have a dating question, don’t hesitate to DM me, email me, or leave me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 I love hearing your voices. I love getting your messages. And if you are having some love trouble, chances are someone else listening right now is going through the same thing. And now it’s time for your questions. This one came to me in an email. She says I’m not your typical 53 year old black woman. I have a lot of creativity, a master’s degree. I’m fit. I’m funny, attractive. I’m a catch. But I’ve always found dating online to be a real challenge. I feel like the cards are stacked against me. Each year for the past three years I try out a new dating app. But after three or four months, I stop. I find I’m either dealing with scammers, or pretty much no one at all. I reach out to folks and say hello, send a note, etc. I post a variety of pictures here I am friends, here’s a full body shot of me on my own etc. I think I’m doing all the right things, but I don’t seem to get any play. What would you suggest I do to be more successful? Okay, so I’m going to address First of all, the fact that she’s a black woman. She’s over 50. And she has a master’s degree. These are all things that if you read the media, and you believe what OkCupid has told you about their stats, or you believe what society tells you about educated women, if you believe what the media tells you about black women, not being found attractive by other races, or black men dating outside their race, or being a woman over 50, or being a woman who’s educated Then I can see why you would feel like the deck is stacked against you. And according to statistics, maybe it is. But I have to tell you that my clients do not have the same experience. And I have, I actually have a testimonial I’m going to share with everybody soon. I have another black client who’s over 50 that I worked with one year ago, like today, one year ago, she thought the exact same thing that you’re thinking right now. And I just got a picture of her engagement ring. And she’s now going to be married to someone that she didn’t think existed a year ago. So let me tell you what we did different. And maybe you can apply some of those techniques to your own dating experience. First of all, if you haven’t done the profile starter kit, it’s free. It’s a dates and mates.com. That’s a great way to get started and choose the right photos. One just without even looking at your profile, I can tell you, we don’t want the pictures of you with friends. We do need a full body shot. And we have to be using the three C’s color, context and character. I won’t belabor it, you can hear more about it. If you do the free profile starter kit.

 

I like the fact that you have been sampling different dating apps and that you’re really giving it a chance. A lot of times people tell me, they tried online dating and they were on an app for like two weeks and it didn’t work out. So this person is giving three to four months to each each app and it’s not working. So that tells me Okay, let’s go back to you guys know my five step dating funnel. If you don’t, I’ll review right now. One is mindset. We talked about mindset earlier. We have to come from an abundance mindset that these people are out there and believe me, I know. I know that that’s hard, especially when the results you’ve been getting have been difficult. But I’m remembering my episode with Bella Gandhi. If you haven’t heard that from February, she said, You have to be psychotically optimistic. Now I’m not saying you should be psychotic, I’m just saying I have that amount of optimism that if you do it differently if you follow my dating plan, it’s going to be different for you like it was for my client and so many other clients before her. The second step in the dating funnel is sourcing. Where are you looking for dates, I don’t know which apps you’re on, it could be that you’re on the wrong fit for you. screening, how are you screening through dates to get further along, it sounds like you’re getting stuck in the sourcing phase. So you haven’t really gotten to screening, or the fourth step presentation, or the fifth step, follow through what is really crucial, and this is for all women of all ages and all backgrounds, but especially for women over 50 and for black women. Make sure you’re sending as many outgoing messages and initiating contact You can, what always happens is people start out the first two weeks, and they’re really, really motivated with the dating app. And then they start swiping, and then they’re not really liking what they’re getting. And then they stop checking the app. And then they’re pushed further down in the algorithm, they’re not getting as many matches. And then they say it’s not working, because they’re not really committed to the tool. So I don’t know if that’s what’s happening with you. I’m happy to take a look at your profile. And for all of you that are listening that are like, Oh, that sounds like me, and maybe my profile is not sending out the right message to be able to to attract the right kind of people. I did just add in my patreon friends with benefits, an option for a profile Polish I have actually haven’t done profile Polish polishes all a cart for many, many years. It’s all been wrapped in my one on one coaching program, but I really want to be of service to my dates and mates listeners, and maybe just getting that right profile picture. bio and having the right approach could change all of this for you. It’s amazing to me when I work with clients one on one, how little actually needs to change. Like, it’s just little tweaks sometimes that I’m doing in one of those five steps in the dating funnel. And then the next thing we know, like my client, de, you’re engaged. So please stay positive, especially now I know it’s really hard to do that. But try to stay positive. If you keep listening to the show, I’ll keep giving you inspiration. And if you want to have me Look at your profile and give you my two cents, it’ll give you more than two cents. Check out the patreon.com slash dates and mates and sign up at the top tier where you can get a profile polish and become a part of the community. Moving on to an email from Kevin, can you tell that that was like my favorite topic ever that I love talking about online dating. This whole show would be about online dating. If I could talk about that.

Vision Boards & Video Chat Love

VISION BOARDS ARE WHERE IT’S AT

Today, we’re talking about how vision boards can help you find true love – especially after tragic breakups and infidelity – with Dr. Casandra Henriquez, an intuitive love coach and matchmaker for successful women.

via GIPHY

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines! 

DATING DISH (3:01)

Where all the singles are hiding right now

This week, Damona received a press release from Dating.com explaining the top five countries for dating apps right now: United States, closely trailed by India, then Ireland, the United Kingdom and, Spain. Do these countries surprise you? 

Damona breaks down the full study and explains exactly what it means for you.

via GIPHY

Sex IS the best medicine, according to Dr. Oz

This week, MadameNoire asked for Damona’s comment on Dr. Oz recently “prescribing” sex to couples quarantined. She has thoughts.

via GIPHY

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

DRAKE FINALLY REVEALED PICTURES OF HIS SON!! Adonis Graham doesn’t look… exactly how we expected but they make such a cute pair. Unfortunately, due to Drake’s recent exposure to COVID-19, he is spending time self-quarantined. Damona had advice for Drake and everyone quarantined from their loved ones.

INSPIRING MANY (12:00)

Dr. Casandra, known as Coach Cass by her fans, has a love story that might be familiar for some of you. After a really big break up, she realized it was time to find the real love she deserved.

  • Finding love after heartbreak and infidelity
  • Putting yourself in the bride mindset
  • Becoming a student of love
  • Making a vision board to find your ideal match

Find Coach Cass at RealLoveNetwork.com and don’t forget to go to get her FREE guide on How to ace the next date at RelationshipsforBusyWomen .com

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • From Mary via voicemail: I’ve been dating someone in another country on a dating app. We’ve been texting, but when we tried to move to phone it sounded very awkward and business-y. I let him know that the call was weird for for me, but now he is hesitant to get back on the phone. I want to do a video chat to see if this person is legit. Is this a good idea?
  • From Instagram: A guy approached me in the supermarket back in the December and we started dating and seeing each other. As time progressed our relationship didn’t, after broaching it he said he didn’t want to settle down yet. I didn’t want to but I distanced myself from him. Then 2 weeks later he messaged to see how I was. We started talking again but I don’t seem to get much from him. I know he likes me but I don’t get if he’s just playing a game?

BETTER HELP

Hey, are you ok?

Like really are you ok?

We have to admit, we’re not really ok with everything going on. We have had to do a lot of adulting in recent weeks but I’ll be the first to admit, this is tough. And there’s no shame in getting help to sort through the complex feelings you are having right now: whether it’s fear for family members, anxiety about being cooped up at home alone, or issues that are bubbling up in your relationship.

It sounds like you need BetterHelp. With Better Help online counseling you can connect with a professional counselor in a safe and private online environment. Since you can’t leave home any way, how convenient is that?

Get help on your own time and at your own pace. Plus you can connect in any of their 4 Communication Modes that works best for you: Text, Chat, Phone & Video  

They have 3000 US Licensed therapists across all 50 states and are Available worldwide.

Plus, anything you share is confidential!

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, welcome to dates and mates. We are recording this episode during what is week three of a stay at home order for me. And I know we are all in different phases of this pandemic, and of processing just what the heck is happening. I am here at home with my two kids and my husband and fortunately, I already had a home studio. So I’m able to keep making this show for you. And I want you to know that I’m going to be here for you through all of this. This show is about spreading love, and consciousness and we need that more than ever right now. I want to thank all of you who have sent me DMS and told me how this show has impacted you. Special shout out to Lauren and M. And Boyd and everyone who has reached out to me recently on Instagram to send a question or a note, to remind me of the reason why I do this show each week for you. It’s for you. It’s to help you stay positive and focused and compassionate, during what I know is a very challenging time regardless of your relationship situation. So please keep your messages and your questions coming. I am motivated by hearing what you’re going through and how I can help you. Most importantly, if there’s a friend who you think could use this show right now, do us both a favor and share this episode so that we can keep Healing Hearts at a time when we all need it. Love is the most powerful transformation tool. So I encourage you To spread that around, well, social distancing, of course, today’s guest I know you are going to love her name is coach Cass. And with her we’re going to talk about how you can believe in love again. But first I’ll be discussing this week’s headlines including where all the singles are hiding right now and why dr. oz thinks sex is the best medicine plus some advice for those who are quarantined without their loved ones like Drake, then coach Cass my guest and I will be answering your questions like How important is a video chat when you’re long distance dating and and what to do when someone tells you they don’t want a relationship but they won’t stop texting. All that and more on today’s dates and maids. I am pumped up and ready to dish she’s dating

Damona  3:01  

My friends at OkCupid shared that 25% of millennials and Gen Z singles have been on a virtual date. Now, if we remember way back to my 300th episode where I talked about the future of dating and I said video, chat dating is going to become the norm. And we’ve talked about it every week since but here we are. Here we are just a few weeks later, and it’s now the only way to date. Now I do think that eventually it will become a step in the dating process. And not the whole shebang, of course. But when we look at the numbers dating comm also sent me where the top five countries for online dating are. And here where I am in the United States, people are connecting online for dating more than ever. India, Ireland, the UK and Spain round out the top five countries For online dating, and most of these apps have stats about how long people are staying on the app before moving offline. I’m really hoping that we’re seeing a shift, and that people are not moving offline and are taking these social distancing orders very seriously. Believe me, I know. I know the yearning for a relationship. I know that feeling, and that you want to get offline, but trust me, it’s not worth it. And I think this is ultimately going to be a really good thing for dating that were able to slow down the process. If you’ve been listening to the show for a while, you know, I’m all about slow love. And I felt for a while, like dating apps were a runaway train that I couldn’t stop that the speed had gotten so fast, and people were dating so many people at the same time. And stopping that filtering step that I have set for a long time is very crucial before you move offline to really see if there’s chemistry and connection Now we are forced to live in the filtering step. So remember the five step dating funnel, mindset sourcing screening, we’re kind of stuck in screening, but that’s okay. That’s okay. Because you can have presentation online, and you can ultimately have follow through, it’s just that the timelines gotten stretched out a little bit. So don’t lose faith, do use the apps, and try to stay positive about the fact that you’ll be able to build a deeper connection like, like love is blind. During that show, they couldn’t see each other at all. And look, we got some really inspiring marriages out of it. So stay strong and keep dating and keep sending in those questions about that. I did get a question this week from Madame Noire. They said that Dr. Oz was prescribing. I’m just imagining dr. oz with his little his little notepad writing prescriptions he prescribed Sex for couples to bring them closer together. And they asked me is that what I recommend? I’m gonna let you read the entire article I’ll put in the show notes. But I’ll give you a little taste of what I recommended. I think that this is actually a great time. Also, if you’re in a partnership to find creative ways that you can build your connection together, we have all fallen into the Netflix and chill, not just people that are in new situation ships, but those of us in relationships, myself included. I mean, it’s like it’s not Netflix and chill. It’s like Tiger King and chill. A glass of wine and watching TV becomes the default. And look at what an amazing opportunity we have right now. So we can’t go to our our standard dates dinner in a movie that’s off the table. But how can you be more creative? Right now if you’re going to do dinner in a movie and maybe you’re separated from the person that you’re dating right now? Maybe You get dinner from the same place. And then you watch the same movie together. Remember when we used to, like hang out on the phone and watch the TV show after school with our friends and talk about the show that we were watching while we were with them? Yeah, it’s like the same thing. So we can find that nostalgia. You’ve heard me talk about nostalgia, being able to bond to people. That’s a way to do it, watching a movie that you both saw from your childhood or from your teen years or college that you can connect on or do something that’s out of the box. I talked in the article about a sip and paint night. When have you let yourself just be free and be creative, and paint something that had no particular goal to it. Just something that was art for art’s sake. And the great thing about this, and I actually talked about this a little bit in my patreon video training on social distance dating, which I’ll put the link in the show notes for that too. If you haven’t taken this training. It’s, it’s really helpful as we’re moving into this next phase of what dating is going to be for the next few months. And it’s only five bucks to sign up and it supports the show. So I would love for you to become one of my patreon friends with benefits and experience, social distance dating tips, but here’s one of them. If you are planning the date as if you were meeting up together, and how you would prepare for that date, and do sip and paint night and, and then you have something else to focus on. It’s so much pressure for you to just sit across from a stranger on video chat that you’ve never met. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s even more pressure actually than a first date in person, I believe. Because in person you have, you have that chemistry and connection. You have physicality, you have the room, you have. You’ve heard me say this on the show before everything else that’s going on around you that you can look to emulate Comment on and when it’s video chat dating, it’s you and your living room and them and their cat. Okay? So we want to give yourself an outlet. Give yourself something that you can respond to connect to maybe it’s a game a trivia game, maybe it’s it’s sip and paint or you’re drawing each other. I don’t know. You can get as fine and kinky as you want to with it or keep it clean. But I just want you to have fun with it and don’t make it so serious. As we we are social distancing and different phases of this pandemic. I came across a story this week about Drake. And for those of you who don’t know, he actually recently just announced that he has a son, his name is Adonis Graham. He had him with adult movie star Sophie Brousseau. Now if you’ve seen this kid, and we’ll put on the dates and mates blog we’ll put a picture of this kid on the surface doesn’t look a whole lot. Like Drake, he has blond hair and blue eyes. Drake actually took two paternity test just to make sure Drake if you remember, like major Drake is both black and Jewish, his mom was blond, blue eyed. So it’s an it’s not a stretch when you understand genetics to believe that this is his kid, but on the surface is had to make sure, but Drake was separated from his son because he actually spent some time with Kevin Durant, the NBA star who tested positive for Cova 19 a few weeks ago. So out of as they say an abundance of caution. Drake self isolated, and that means that he couldn’t even be around his son and I know some of you, some of you may be listening to the show from the bed dealing with Cova 19 or something that you believe maybe Cova 19 and can’t even get a test for it. And that’s, that’s tough to. So we have to keep in mind that people are in all different phases. Have this. And if you are separated from someone that you love, it’s important for you to still just keep them in your thoughts and keep in contact the way that you can. If you can only I have a friend that actually has Cova 19. And she’s having trouble with just talking and breathing. So if all she can do is send an emoji to her daughter to let her know that she’s thinking of her, that can go a long way to continuing to keep the bond alive, so that we can all be together on the other side of this. Speaking of being together, we’re gonna take a break and I hope you will stick around. When we come back. I have coach Cass and I swear she is so inspiring. I am so lucky that I came across her and her wisdom and I can’t wait for her to tell you how you can believe in love again, stay with us. I am here Dr. Cassandra Henriques. She’s also known as coach Cass by her fans and followers. She’s an intuitive love coach and matchmaker for successful women. And she’s the creator of the love deck and the real love network, premier private community for single professional women. Please help me get big smooches to coach Cass.

Coach Cass  12:21  

What’s up Damona? Hey, ladies.

Damona  12:24  

felt bad. I’ve found that love across the miles and I’m just so glad that you’re here spreading the love and the joy because we need it right now. Coach Cass Oh,

Coach Cass  12:35  

yes. That

Coach Cass  12:38  

the Rona has us in its clutches but love will get us through!

Damona  12:41  

. So I want to start out with your own story because I know you’ve been on this journey for a minute coach Cass Yes. And you’ve been you’ve been in the highs of love and the lows of love. But just for a lot of people right now that may be unreal. relationships that they’re trying to figure out like, is this. Is this the one is this the right thing? Can you start with the prior relationship? Okay, we’re in and how it’s led us to where we are today. Right?

Coach Cass  13:13  

Well, once upon a time, Yo, I was dating a guy that I thought was the one. How many of us have thought somebody was the one before? All right. So we were dating I helped him build business girl, I went into debt for him. Why? Because you know, this was the person I was supposed to marry. So we traveled and everything and I remember one Christmas Eve, getting a call from a mutual friend and he’s like, hey, Cass Are you sitting like know what’s up?

Damona  13:38  

that’s never a good sign.

Coach Cass  13:43  

So I am, I sit down and he says, you know, that guy that you think is the one that’s so amazing? I’m like, Yeah, what about him? He’s married. Yeah, so how did he How did we wait, how did he even know? Dude, so, so essentially, he ended up going to like his house and coming across his wife like it was a whole It was like a whole thing. So they ended up having to Oh my

Damona  14:12  

god, how did you met this guy? Originally?

Coach Cass  14:15  

I originally met him through a network marketing company girl, you know, everybody’s so driven and well known. So I had gone on the company trips, we had been together at every briefing meeting, whatever. So you know, the last thing I think if somebody is married, if you’re told me around, everywhere, in front of everybody, yes, notice anything.

Damona  14:34  

Everybody was just like, well, copacetic Yeah. And was this a situation like he was married but separated or he was like, married, married?

Coach Cass  14:44  

So according to this friend, this woman was still around around, right. And so for me, that was tough, you know, so, and there’s a whole nother side to this story that I won’t even get into but it turns out that he replayed that story. Many times to other women, right? Which I found out later, which is a bit scary. So I wasn’t the only one. So it’s not that he was just cheating on his wife, but he was like cheating with many people, not just me. So here it is. I thought I was the only one when I was just one of them.

Damona  15:18  

Wow, that must have been so devastating for you to because in your mind, you built up this whole life. And then it just all comes crashing down. How did you move forward after that?

Coach Cass  15:28  

That was tough. So just think about it. So I left him, but then I still had a debt because of him that was still with me. And then it was the shame and the guilt. Nobody was calling me to say how stupid I was. But I felt like I was getting a phone call every day and that was me calling myself right. How many times do we beat ourselves up about our stupid decisions? So for me, I was in a dark place for a really long time. And one of my defining moments came when I got like my 29th wedding invitation. You ever feel like everybody was getting married, like Like everybody

Coach Cass  16:01  

was like, why not me?

Coach Cass  16:02  

Exactly. Right? What’s wrong with me? Exactly. And it didn’t matter, their age, their stage, their race, their weights, you know, all the excuses that we think we have. I’m like, Look, I’m cute, right? What’s going on here? And that’s when I decided really to become a student of love. I said, Look, you know, just like I invest in my business, my fitness, my travel, right? I need to invest in my love life. And that’s when I decided to become a student of love. So I read I consumed every relationship book I could find. I went to marriage conferences Dimona as a single woman.

Coach Cass  16:36  

Like there’s, you know, those cutouts where you put

Coach Cass  16:38  

your face in, I had my face in the bright spot and the groom spot was empty, and everybody’s like, guess where’s the groom? Like, he’s coming girl. He’s coming,

Damona  16:46  

right? That’s a lot of faith is a lot of he’s still coming even after what you went through.

Coach Cass  16:53  

Yeah. And the thing is that I kept dating and so the relationships really didn’t get better. I didn’t matter. I didn’t date anybody. So married, but you know, you know, it’s bad when you’re like, oh, let me try something new. Don’t do that, right. Data people I was absolutely unattracted to it was just bad. And so I really had to hit a pause button to get my love life. Right, starting with me, you know, and that’s really what started me on the path to doing what I do now. Yeah.

Damona  17:22  

Wow. And so keeping that faith alive, and I, I’ve seen your TED talk. I know you also did a vision board, right?

Coach Cass  17:32  

Yeah, it’s a vision board. Okay. So once upon a time, I was dating a guy, and I remember cooking dinner, which I don’t do often. Right. So that was a special night and I was cooking dinner and he came into the kitchen and I remember looking at my vision board because it was on my wall in the kitchen because I lived by myself so I could put it where I want to right so it was on my vision board on in the kitchen and I remember looking at the vision board looking at him looking at the vision board looking at him, and I started crying. And I remember him embracing me and saying what was wrong cast? What’s going on? I said, You’re him. He said, Who? I said, You’re him. He’s like, What are you talking about? Like, look at my vision board. And literally, I still have this vision board to this day. This man was to the tee, the man on my vision board from the experiences we had to how I felt to the way he looked. It was it was creepy. It was like uncanny. It was just like, wow, and now that man today is my husband and we live a life. That was exactly what was on my vision board. Now. I do believe in the way that you do the vision board in order for that to happen. But yes, it definitely happened for me and yes, I love helping women do the same, huh?

Damona  18:50  

Well without getting into a whole vision board workshop. Yes. Can you give like your top two or three tips Yes. on how to make that vision board with purpose. We have time right now, we might as well do a little mind, dork and

Coach Cass  19:03  

visualization are all right ladies. So for all of you listening, I want you to just close your eyes. And I want you to think about how you want to feel in your ideal relationship, right? What are the emotions that you want to feel in the right relationship? Is it joy, happiness, peace, excitement, passion, security, like how do you want to feel? I think one of the biggest things damona is that we mess up and we put this list of you know, six figure income earner this size shoe this size, body parts, you know, flat stomach,

Coach Cass  19:42  

no kids, you know, I know receiving a very

Damona  19:47  

different body part but yeah, yeah, I know you’re talking about you

Coach Cass  19:50  

know what I’m talking about girl. Alright, so, passport, you know, we we took no guts, you know, we focus on these things that really don’t matter. At the end of the day, right, so if somebody has a good we can exercise together if they don’t have a passport, I can help you apply. You know, we focus on all the wrong things. So I really believe it starts with your emotions and how you feel because when we get in tuned with how we feel, when we’re around someone, when we take time to get to know someone, you know, when we get in tune with that, that intuitiveness our gut instinct, I believe it really leads us in the right direction. Too often do we look at the checklist of well, oh, no, he has two kids and an ex wife. I don’t know, before we even say hello. Does that make sense?

Damona  20:37  

Yes. And I am so on board with everything you said about getting into the feeling my listeners have heard that before. Like what do you want to feel like with this person and put aside the physical Yeah. And get into that, that emotional place with that person and drill down into what is really important and so much of the time, I find that it’s just even stepping back To say, what do I want like right that that people who listen to the show no I do Fung Shui as well not I don’t I’m not a Fung Shui like expert. I practice punctuate with my Fung Shui expert. And I really believe like some of it is where you play stuff. The same with the vision boards. So much of it, though, is the intention behind it is taking the time to organize your thoughts or organize your stuff, or create the vision board. And I just did mine. I just shared it on Instagram a couple of weeks ago. free time. Really just like taking that moment to think about well, well, what is it? And maybe even I mean, how much of this was going back into your past relationships and examining like Were there any red flags before that I missed? Were there any signs? How do I how do I let that stay in the past and move forward in the future in another way?

Coach Cass  21:56  

Right. One of the big issues I see right is that us women know exactly what we don’t want. But when I start to ask women, well, what do you want? You know, when I talk to my clients, but what do you want? They’re like, Well, let me tell you, I don’t want what happened with Billy or Johnny or Rashid. And it’s like, Wait a second, I’m focusing on what you do want and they’re like, Well, you know, coach, guys, I’ve never been in a healthy relationship, or have never seen a healthy relationship. And it’s really tough, right? Where are we learning about healthy relationships in a romantic comedies? Right, I call it rom com itis is suffering from this disease, where we all kind of want to be rescued by this Prince Charming that might slap us around, but he’ll sweep us off our feet in the end, and it’s just like, no, Focus. Focus on what’s real.

Damona  22:41  

Yes. And I imagine that is part of what helps you build this real love network that you

Coach Cass  22:48  

tell us a little bit about that. Real love. Oh, oh, I’m searching for that for you love. Okay. My day job. singing

Coach Cass  23:06  

I am a first Hey,

Coach Cass  23:10  

it goes down in history right here on dates and mates.

Coach Cass  23:14  

So I yeah, I started the real love network because I had a business coach, right. So I believe that every coach deserves a coach. Every therapist needs a therapist, all of that, right. So my coach was saying, well, what’s the best way that you could really serve your clients? And yes, I have private clients and monthly clients and all that, but the way I side is just that, you know, we’re all in different stages of this love journey, and many of my clients would have seen is, it’s like the blind leading the blind, so you might have a good girlfriend, but she’s really not that great, right? She’s not giving you good advice. And yes, you might know married people, but they haven’t been on a date in 27 years. So the real love network is really to support you from self love to real love. So it’s like, if you’re scared to date, if you’re dating, if you’re trying to choose the It’s like being able to have a supportive community that doesn’t judge you. And this process but uplifts you, so we look at the whole woman, which I believe is a wanton woman, right? All my ladies are wanted women achieving new tribes every day, right? So now it’s like to figure out, who do you want and keeping you accountable to that because I know you’ve seen this right? Women will say, Well, you know, I want this great relationship, but then do everything to sabotage it. So it really is that home base to say, Okay, well, am I messing up? Or am I doing this thing right? and holding your hand through the process?

Damona  24:35  

That’s so important, especially right now when a lot of people are sort of dating in a vacuum, right? We don’t have. We don’t have our friends at work to go and show our Tinder swipes to and ask them their opinion. So having a network of people that are going through the same thing, virtually is really important. Let’s say you have made a connection I assume online right now because unless you’re a like going to the park and meeting people from six feet away, right? I think that the dating apps are kind of the biggest game in town right now. And based on the numbers that we’re seeing, and the increases in new users and conversations, that’s definitely what people are turning to, to to to date. When you are ready to move on to a let’s say virtual date right now. What are some tips that you have for being able to make a connection with a stranger we don’t even have like that physical attraction Really? To to key off of

Coach Cass  25:36  

how do you get going? Now you know, love is blind has been a very popular show on Netflix. All right, so you can connect with someone emotionally via conversation. I just got a recent client she’s she was talking to someone for three months and never met them now in regular life. This is a problem, right? So they were in Turkey. They said they were coming to visit you know all the red flags and regular life and I’m like, Okay, I think this guy is a catfish, but she totally was in love with this guy that she was on the phone with for three months. So it can happen where you can connect with someone emotionally. So it really is to understand first the attraction. So online dating profile picture, then it’s, you know, can I kick it with this person on the phone like a friend? Can we just talk about anything? Can we just have a good time? And then, you know, there’s that that backup of Okay, so what country do you live in? Or what state do you live in? And it might even be a small background check. If you find that you’re getting a little bit serious. Jason? Yeah.

Damona  26:39  

I do think that it’s cool right now that we can expand our dating criteria like I live in Los Angeles and my clients here, like won’t date beyond a 10 mile radius traffic. That could be an hour long distance relationship. But now I’m really encouraging people to expand their search criteria, maybe throughout the state. Or maybe throughout the world because we can and this is a, I think we’ll look back at this time. If we survive it will look back at this time. I know we have to laugh about it because that’s laughing to keep from crying. But if we come out of this on the other side, I think we’ll kind of look back at this as almost like this magical time that we won’t get back of when we could date differently. We could expand our search criteria, we could date someone in another country and let that be okay and see if we can make a connection. But I want to get really tactical too on how to start conversations. I know you’re the creator of the love deck. Tell us what the love deck is and give me a couple of of good conversation starters when you are building from from from virtual scratch.

Coach Cass  27:53  

Alright, so I created the love deck damona really because I realized, just think about it. What are the conversations We have a normal day to day life. What do you want to eat? and good night? You know, like, most conversations around food? Yeah, how was your day what you’re watching? And and, and that’s about it right and and we don’t really learn anything and I find that most of the times, you know we date in a bubble and so we don’t ask real questions. It’s just that chemistry and the physical attraction. And then you go from there and then you’re engaged and married like, oh, wait a second did I choose right and this whole situation? So the love deck is really to help you think of more meaningful conversations like Where did you learn about money? Right, like, hmm, or where did you learn about love? How important is sex to you? You know, there’s simple things that we really don’t ask or proud about. How do you feel about children? You know, that’s always like a touchy subject. But we wait until we’re knee deep to say, Oh, you don’t want kids but I do. Well, how about we talk about these things a little bit early. Earlier, right? Especially since you know, most women are getting older in age and so you know, we don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t in line with our true values. So it’s better to find out early but not in a quizzical type of interview manner. It’s more of a game. More of Hey, you know, I just got this love deck, you know, these are some pretty cool questions. So let’s pick from the deck and see where we fall. Right? And for those who are religious, it’s like, well, what do you normally do on a Sunday morning, right? So it’s like, just finding out what people’s beliefs are. I have a client, right? So she’s a Christian woman, and the guy she was dating, she overheard him talking to a friend saying, Oh, no, I don’t believe in marriage. That’s just a piece of paper. She’s like, Wait a second. I believe it’s a covenant of God. Like, wait a second, you know, and they didn’t really have that conversation. Here it is. She thought she’s on the road to marriage. And then he’s like, Oh, yeah, I guess we could sign it if you want to, like, no, this doesn’t work. So it’s really being able to have more meaningful conversations about what really makes As tick versus just you know what else is on TV or on Netflix?

Damona  30:04  

I love that and it makes it so fun. Like you said, it’s sort of gamified these important questions because people are always asking me like, how do I, how do I bridge that conversation? How do I let him know that I want kids sooner rather than later or that I’ve been married three times before? Whatever you’re scared to share. I like that you’re making it fun so people can get the love deck on your webs website,

Coach Cass  30:32  

inspire many Yeah, inspire many.com.

Damona  30:36  

We’ll put that in the show notes. So you’re you’re a prolific creator, Coach cast. I know you’re all you’re creating. And you’re also you’ve written a book we were talking about, about, like the ROM coms and the story fairy tales, and I talked about that a lot on this show, too. But it’s hard for a lot of women that don’t even Seeing themselves reflected in the fairy tales. So tell us about this new new book that you’re writing and why you’re doing it.

Coach Cass  31:08  

All right. So let me give you a little background on Mona. So I, my daughter was turning three and it was my first time trying to throw a birthday party at school. I’m sure you’re probably an expert by now but this was my was my first time and my daughters have a darker hue. So I thought it would be cool right to have a princess have a darker hue because everybody loves princesses. Now, what was disheartening is that I could find nothing. I searched the internet I went to stores. I went everywhere. everybody’s like, Oh, well, what about Princess Tiana honey? She has no birthday cups and plates, which is crazy. And so I really started to realize like, Oh my goodness, on television, there’s nothing there’s no one anywhere when it comes to being cool as a black princess. So I went to lunch with a friend and I was just doing a mock up of a princess and I showed it to her and then I showed it to my daughter Ava and my Data Eva looks at the picture. She looks at her hand. She looks at the picture. She looks at her hand. She says, Mommy, I don’t want this one. I want the other one. I want the white one. To Mona, my girlfriend is white. And she was just like crying. She was just like, I didn’t know I didn’t I didn’t know it was that deep, right. So just go back to the black doll versus the white doll. It’s not that the kids really thought that white was better. But the fact that you don’t see black on TV represented really represented like I wanted to Macy’s Kohl’s, dillards if you go into the children’s section, you will see Elsa, Ana, vamp arena, Peppa Pig, all these other things, but there is no black princess on the clothing, which is a pig for you’ll see the pig okay? You’ll see all these other things but no black princess when every little girl wants to be a princess. Just think about it. In terms of white princesses. We have every variation in every color hair, right? But a black princess. We have one and she was a restaurant. To write and a frog for the entire movie. So I am on a mission right now to create a black Princess, the new favorite princess for every little girl. So just like black girls can dress up like Elsa and I want white girls to dress up like princesses are. So I am on a movement I want this to be a cartoon shirts, TV, everything right? And the first step is the book. So princess are his birthday tradition is out on April 8. And I just pray that everyone really supports it to become a best seller and to push it to really become the movement of representation that it needs to be and not to stop there. There needs to be more but you know, this is just to get the foot in the door. Yeah,

Damona  33:43  

that is so awesome. And like you said representation matters. And I really feel like it does impact the way that we feel about ourselves the way that like I have a lot of black women that listen to the show that have internalized some of these messages that we’ve been getting since the time we were all little girls and, and there’s love, like for everyone like you were saying at the beginning, you know there’s there is there is a happy ending for everyone and there is a match for everyone and we have to see it so we can believe it and continue to promote it out in the world. Coach Cass This is such great advice. I I’m, I feel so fortunate that that we have connected and that we can share your wisdom with our dates and Nate’s audience. We’ll put the link to all of your goodies in the show notes and inspire many. But before we let you go, we have questions that our listeners have submitted for our final segment of the day.

Coach Cass  34:42  

Oh snap.

Damona  34:50  

Here we go. Coach Cass we have two questions. The first came to us from Mary who by the way, guys, she left me a voicemail. I totally want to hear your voices. And I do, I will text you back, we can get into a little dialogue about what you’re going through. And I’d love to hear your voices and put them on the show. She’s feeling a little shy, so we’re just gonna, we’re gonna read her question, but if anyone wants to call me, you can call me or text me. 424246255 leave me a voicemail there. So Mary says, I’ve been dating someone in another country on a dating app, we’ve been texting, but when we tried to move to phone, it sounded very awkward in business he I let him know that the call felt weird for me. And now he’s hesitant to get back on the phone. I actually want to do a video chat to see if this person is legit because I really feel like we’re connecting. But I’m wondering if this is a good idea. What do you think about this? We’re just talking about like long distance dating. I mean, let’s let’s just first break break down like you’d said earlier the signs of a catfish So what are some of the signs that you tell your clients to look out for?

Coach Cass  36:04  

The Okay, so if they live in another country one all right, can we see actual pictures that don’t look photoshopped to is what’s their name? Can you look them up online? Three? Are they making excuses of why you can’t meet in person? Right for Can you never get together on FaceTime? Right? Like I need to be able to see you, especially if you’re in another country and all we’re doing is chatting on the phone or via text. To me that’s a that’s a big sign that that’s not okay. So I need to be able to see you via FaceTime and when I call you answer right away, so all of those things, you know, it’s a big test when someone lives out of the country just because we’ve kind of been scarred by all these catfishing people that have nothing better to do with their time. It’s It’s It’s bad out there Dimona. It’s real bad. So yes, I would say to this young lady that okay if it seemed a little too busy Like remember that different cultures? People speak differently? Right? So maybe he was a little bit more formal. So I would say let’s do the FaceTime because at the end of the day, what I tell my clients, if you’re looking for a lifetime relationship, let’s not waste the time right? So I understand you like the connection of chatting on the phone or, or texting on the phone. But you know, looking for a pain, a pen pal, you’re looking for a lifetime relationship. And if that’s the true time to get face to face, and if you can’t do it in person, do it via FaceTime or WhatsApp or any of the other apps. Yeah,

Damona  37:35  

yes, I totally agree with you. And I think it’s a good idea to schedule these video chats like big headline of the episode y’all. big headline. When you are moving from the chat to either a phone call or the the video, chat within the date or off the date, make sure that you are setting the time so you’re not catching someone off guard and that you’re also like prepping yourself. Because Well, this is what I think we forget while they’re filtering us be cute. Firstly, always be cute. But while you’re filtering them, they’re also filtering you. They’re they’re making judgments too. So make sure you’re really ready and that you’re speaking at a time when you both can be most present. Based on the full voicemail, it sounds like this guy somehow got a little bit uncomfortable with the after the phone call. And it could be it could be that he’s hiding something. It could also be sometimes the language barrier like even though someone might sound like they’re speaking really well in your language to you. It might be a real challenge for them to find the words and it that he could be reacting to that. So I don’t know coach cast like How hard would you push it because it sounds like from the voicemail she left me that he’s sort of hesitant now to even get on the phone or to do the video chat. But she’s like, do I invest more time in this texting relationship?

Coach Cass  39:08  

Until I know, the thing is that they had a genuine connection, right? So to me, it’s not, it’s not bad to push it, just push it a little bit, try and get on the phone and see if that connection is still there. Because the last thing you want to do is let something go just because of apprehensions on his part, you know, so just help him to feel more at ease, say, Hey, you know, no judgement. I just want to see you I have so much time from texting with you. And you know, for us to move forward. I’d love to see you. And if he doesn’t want to do that, then Okay, we got to let this thing go girl.

Damona  39:45  

Yeah, you laid it out in the perfect way to like I talked about inspiring him to show up for you. So saying like, I really just want to see your face and making it more about I’m invested in this connection to and I’m really interested in you and I think you’re really great as opposed to like, I need to assess the situation which you may not be thinking you sound like but you know, reread some of those texts because context can sometimes get lost as well. Coach cast I have one more question for you. This one came to came to us from Instagram. This lady said, a guy approached me in the supermarket back in December, and we started dating and seeing each other Doesn’t that sound like it sounds like a lifetime ago based on like how we lived our lives in December now. So she says as time progressed, our relationship didn’t after broaching it he said he didn’t want to settle down yet. I didn’t want to but I distanced myself from him. Then two weeks later, he messaged to see how I was. We started talking again, but I don’t seem to get much from him. I know he likes me, but I don’t get if he’s just playing a game

Coach Cass  40:59  

sound Like games to means a Mona right. So, she said what she wanted, he said what he wanted and like Maya Angelou says, right, you know, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So at the end of the day, yeah, no, that’s not the person for you. He’ll take up your time. Everybody, you know, somebody likes to take up your time,

Coach Cass  41:21  

especially now allowing them yeah.

Coach Cass  41:22  

It’s you allowing them to do that, right. So I’d

Coach Cass  41:25  

say let that one go. Until he figures himself out, like otherwise keep it moving. My whole thing about it is keep dating until you’re married, like, forget it. Like we don’t have time to be exclusive for three years for somebody to figure it out if I’m your wife or not. No,

Coach Cass  41:42  

no, no, no, no.

Coach Cass  41:44  

No, we need to keep dating. That’s it. Just keep dating right dates and mates just keep dating and mating. And at the end of the day, you’re me. Ma, exactly. And then you just sift them through. It’s like finding the diamond through all this rubble. And so if someone is not proving themselves to really be the one for you like keep it just keep it going and too many times we end up being serial monogamist Oh, well, I’m talking to this guy. So you cut off everything else who

Coach Cass  42:11  

said to cut off everything else. Nobody said to do that. Right? Keep dating. That’s it.

Damona  42:17  

But definitely, and you really hit the nail on the head when you said she said what she wanted. And I think that is the hardest thing for a lot of singles to actually express like, I want a relationship. I would like this to be more serious. That is so challenging to open your heart and say that so I just want to acknowledge and commend her for doing that. But now it’s in then thank you for invoking my favorite quote ever, like you got the answer. Now you have to hear it. And it may be painful and it may make you feel like you’re starting over again. And it may be frustrating, but I guarantee you it’s not as frustrating as if you stayed in the Situation ship for what another month, two months, three months and then ended up in the same situation. So, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for my Maya Angelou quote. I love it. I love it. I adore you. I am so glad that you were here to share your wisdom on dates and mates.

Coach Cass  43:18  

Thanks for having me. Thank you and

Damona  43:21  

you can find coach Cass and the real love network at real love network COMM And also don’t don’t miss her free giveaway. How to ace the next date. We will put the link to all of that in the show notes but that’s at relationships for busy women.com coach cast. I’m going to get this love deck too. I got I got to hook up these conversation starters. And you said there’s also there’s also some some uplifting, inspiring messages on the back of these cards right

Coach Cass  43:53  

sessions. Yeah, affirmations

Damona  43:54  

we all need all of this. Y’all do your vision boards, get coach cast this stuff. Get yourself on track because we’re in this social distance dating for a minute. But we have the tools to help you through it. Oh, thanks for being here.

Coach Cass  44:09  

Thanks for having me to Moana. Yeah, it’s amazing.

Damona  44:14  

I hope you enjoyed Episode 304 of dates and mates. Again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials. Please do connect with me. Send me your social distance dating questions. Send me your relationship questions. I love hearing from you guys right now. It’s giving me life to give you love advice, so please keep those questions and those thoughts and the feedback on the show coming. If you haven’t reviewed the show yet, it really does help us reach more people heal more hearts. So go ahead and review this on whichever platform you’re listening and share this show with a friend. And please do join me on Patreon. This is my special community just for my super fans, my friends with benefits and you do get benefits from me. including access to my private Facebook group and a lot a lot of extra dates and maids goodies that you may have missed over the years. I’ve been doing this show for seven years. So I have lots of wisdom to share with you there. And you’ll get access to that video training that I told you about and that’s at the $5 month level. So please join us patreon.com slash dates and mates The link will be in the show notes. Until next week, I wish you good health, good vibes and of course, happy dating but happy social distance dating

 

Sexy Scrabble & Chemical Romance

YOUR BRAIN ON ROMANCE

Today, we’re talking about brain chemistry and romance. Do you remember those ‘Your Brain on drugs’ commercials from the 90s? They were all like, “your brain will turn to mush, and you won’t be able to make good decisions, and your emotions will be all over the place….” Yeah, basically that’s also your brain on love.

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But not to fret! Later we’ll be talking with Noelle Cordeaux – co-host of the “Everything Life Coaching Podcast.” She’s here to help us prevent our brains from turning into mush and give us a guide to the brain for romance.

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

 

DATING DISH (3:30)

Where the affairs are happening right now

This week, Damona received a press release from Seeking Arrangement explaining that their usership is actually up.

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Ariana isn’t spending quarantine alone

Okay so here’s what we know about Ari’s new boo: he’s a real estate big shot, he has a lot of the same friends, and he miiiiiggght basically be Pete Davidson.

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New ideas for quarantine dates

Listen, we’re all tired of Netflix and Chill. Men’s Health has some new ideas to keep things interesting while quarantine dating. Sexy Scrabble anybody?

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MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE (10:45)

Our guest for today is Noelle Cordeaux,  the CEO of JRNI and the co-host of the “Everything Life Coaching Podcast.” You may remember her co-host from a previous episode, John Kim – The Angry Therapist.

She’s here to give us a basic “Romantic’s Guide to the Brain” and some perspective on how your brain and your biology affect romance.

via GIPHY

Noelle and Damona talk:

  • My Chemical Romance: The 3 human brain chemicals in each stage of romance  
  • Serotonin and the “meet cute.” 
  • Why your brain has you thinking, “This is the one!”.
  • Why you can’t see the” truth” about your partner until 24 months after you first meet 
  • Why your brain can’t tell the difference between a new “pair bond” & an opioid addiction  
  • How female birth control changes the way you evaluate a partner 
  • Why we seek partners who represent something we missed in childhood
  • When you’re most likely to fall in love
  • Slow love?
  • Love isn’t an emotion

Check out the Everything Life Coaching Podcast podcast on all your favorite podcast platforms!

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:25)

via GIPHY

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • My date forgot about a date that we scheduled 24 hours ago. Last night, we set a time, place, and everything and planned to get drinks after he got off work. Basically, I waited at the place for 30 minutes, sent him a text, to which he replied “?”. I got stood up and he’s so apologetic about it but is this a red flag? His text to me “sorry I’m a total dick and I deserve never to be talked to again.” but no explanation or attempt to salvage
  • I’m seeing a woman who told me she doesn’t want to go deeper because she doesn’t want to risk losing our friendship. Should I keep trying or is this a soft way to let me down?

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, I hope you’re all staying healthy and safe. But I’m hearing far too many stories about people still dating in person right now. Please do us all a favor and just stay home. There are still so many ways to connect. And I believe that in the end, this period will actually improve our connections and be better for dating overall. But in the meantime, we all have to do our part. If you’re still feeling that drive for connection, that desire to have matches pop up in your inbox. Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. I just released an exclusive training just for my patients. Patreon friends with benefits all about social distance dating. It covers where the singles are right now, how to have a successful virtual date, how to know if a match is really right for you, and so much more. And that’s all waiting for you right now. If you join our Patreon community@patreon.com, slash dates and mates, the link will be included in the show notes and it’s only $5 to join. I’d love to have you be a part of the community. I’d love for you to keep dating and learning new dating skills working on your mindset working on your dating strategy. And I’m here to support you all the way through this pandemic. And I know your dating life may be stalled at the moment. But as they say, The show must go on we are not stopping. I’ve already told y’all I intend on making more episodes for another seven seasons. So you can still count on me every Monday for your dates & mates. Fix Today, we are talking all about brain chemistry and romance. You remember those? This is your brain on drugs commercials from the 90s. They’re all like your brain will turn to mush and you won’t be able to make good decisions and your emotions will be all over the place. Yeah, that’s basically your brain on love too, because love is a drug. But don’t fret. We are going to be talking with Noel Cordova. She’s the co host of the everything life coaching podcast, and she’s here to help us prevent our brains from turning to emotional mush. But first, I will be discussing this week’s headlines. Producer Leo is working remotely today but she is still churning out the dates and maids and we are sending her much love. We are going to be talking about where the affairs are happening during the quarantine and we have a big reveal of Ariana Grande is new boo. Plus new ideas for your quarantine dates if you’re tired of watching Tiger King and just go into bed. Oh wait, maybe that’s just me. Then Noel and I will cover your questions including, what do you do when you get stood up? And how to tell if someone is just letting you down easy.

Damona  3:24  

on the docket for today’s dates and mates. I am going to hit these headlines

Damona  3:33  

If you’re looking for an affair, I know just where to go seeking arrangement seeking comm reported that they had a 74% increase over this time last year and new members who here’s what this tells me. This quarantine can make or break it for your relationship if you are already seeing someone right now. But here’s the thing. It’s like It’s like These fantasy affairs that actually aren’t going to be consummated for a long time that are sparking up because people are in this pressure cooker. You’re with your partner all day, every day, all of the challenges that you have that you used to be able to escape are now staring you in the face every morning and noon and night. And so people are turning to apps and sites like seeking and Ashley Madison because they’re trying to escape. They’re trying to avoid looking at what these relationship challenges really are. And they’re just looking for an outlet to be able to chat and make a connection with someone else. Have someone else tell them that they’re beautiful that they are proud of them for what they’re doing that they are. They are happy that they’re hanging in there through this challenging time. We’re all just looking for a little more love and support. But what I would say Rather than turning to an outside person, could we use this moment to look inward at our relationship and see what could be fixed during this time, what you could talk through, and remember not to react to what’s being said, but to really take time to listen and respond thoughtfully and look for solutions. We are going to be in this unfortunately for a long time. And hopefully, if you made a commitment to your relationship, you’re going to be in that for a long time too. And we can’t keep brushing the problems under the rug, drag him out right now. And let’s talk about it in a compassionate way. And really look for solutions to these problems so that you can move forward stronger together in the future. One person that is a lot stronger than she was in her previous relationship is ariana grande de you may remember that she connected with this random Joe in a bar she was she was photographed smooching some guy up and nobody knew who he was. Well, it’s been revealed. It’s a fella named Dalton Gomez. He’s a high end real estate agent actually looks a little bit like Pete Davidson, who I was alluding to earlier, her big breakup from before. And she’s been showing him on social the last few days. But here’s the interesting thing about it. For a lot of you who may have started dating someone right before the quarantine, they’ve decided to quarantine together. And this really adds a big challenge for a new relationship. And she does have a history as you all know of jumping into relationships very quickly. I think she NP or engaged within three or four weeks of dating one another. So she’s done it again. She’s jumped right into the arms of the next guy waiting for her Look, she’s a cat. She’s a great girl, she loves to take care of somebody. And she’s ended up being the caretaker and a lot of these relationships she’s had in the past. But I just want to warn any of you who may be in a similar situation and facing a dating pattern. If you see yourself on the track, for a relationship, repeat doing the same thing that didn’t work in your last relationship, or let’s put on the brakes, back it up a little bit. This is a time to really slow down and evaluate. And if you are quarantining with somebody that you barely know right now, you have to really ask yourself, Is this what I want for my future? if let’s say one of us gets it, do I want to be sitting here sick with this person? Is this person going to be there for me? If If I need the support down the road, you may not know I don’t know. Maybe Dalton Gomez will be that for Ariana Grande day, but let’s just take a beat and Look at our relationship history, and decide if we want our relationship past to also be our relationship future.

If you’re looking for a quarantine date Men’s Health to the rescue, I will put the link to this in the show notes. I got to tell you, there were some pretty racy suggestions here. But there were also some very cute ideas like building a pillow for if you don’t have private outdoor access. I don’t know about you. But I remember as a kid, building a pillow for was one of the most exciting things I did. And you could do it inside the house. You don’t have to go out and it adds just this level of playfulness and feeling of nostalgia which is something you’ve probably heard me say on the show before that really can bond you to someone so I thought that was a super cute idea from mental. If you want to get a little risque. This isn’t even like close to one of the more risky ideas but they suggested playing strip scratching My husband and I, during our what was it our 30th wedding anniversary, I’m embarrassed. I don’t remember which University. He was our 12. Last year, we went to a hotel that had this cool little lounge with games in it. And we played the most fun game of Scrabble ever, over drinks. never occurred to me to play strip Scrabble. So maybe you could get a little creative. You could have a karaoke night. There’s a lot of apps that can connect you and there’s a link to one in the men’s health article. You could play a game of Never have I ever I also, if you followed the last TV series that I did a question of love that was based on the 36 questions that lead to love that was in the New York Times, and how asking these intimate questions can really bond you to your partner. If it bonded strangers, just imagine what it could do for someone that you’re already in a relationship with. But hey, maybe that is something you could try. If you’re doing virtual quarantine dates as well, there’s so many ideas out there. There’s so many ways that we can be creative and innovate. During this time. I just asked that you please stay home let’s, let’s flatten the curve. But let’s pique our interest in our current relationship or possibly in a new relationship. And in just a moment, we will have Noel corto, who’s the co host of the everything life coaching podcast, and the co founder of journey coaching, talking about your brain on drugs, the drug of love, I cannot wait.

 

We’re here with Noel Cordell. She is the CEO of journey and that’s about Jr. and I they are a coaching platform that trains coaches, and she’s also the co host of the everything life coaching podcast. You may remember her co hosts from that show from a previous episode. JOHN Kim the angry therapist great episode, check that out. But first, today we have to talk because Noel is going to be giving us the basic romantics guide to the brain and some perspective on how your brain and your biology actually affects romance. I am so pumped for today’s episode you guys know I’m, I’m all about this brain chemistry and nerding out on love. So luckily today, I don’t have to do it alone, please get big smooches to Noel Cordeaux.

Noelle Cordeaux 11:30  

Thank you so much for having me. And honestly, I don’t like doing it alone either. So this

Damona  11:36  

this is a wonderful day, I am really pumped because so many of my listeners feel like they’re kind of on this, this, this journey not to use it to use your own term, this journey of love and feeling like they don’t have any control over it. They don’t really understand what’s happening in their body. They don’t understand dating apps. They don’t understand how they’re reacting to people on dates, and they’re Just kind of going through the motions like there has to be a better way. And I find that the better way to start that way to solve most problems I’m sure as a coach you you would agree with this is to first figure out what the heck is going on

Noelle Cordeaux 12:14  

100% 100% I, you know, I say to my students at journey coaching and to my clients, it’s not you, it’s your brain. Okay, so let’s talk

Damona  12:24  

about that. My Chemical Romance there are three human brain chemicals that come into play at each stage of romance. Can you talk us through that?

Noelle Cordeaux 12:36  

Yeah, I sure can. And you know that some of these chemicals teamed up with each other. So there’s a lot of complex processes, but I think the most important piece of information that I can drop is the bomb, that when you experience romantic love, it’s actually not an emotion. It is a it is a hardwired motivator. system that’s evolutionary, and it’s been built up over the history of humankind, to enable humans to find and maintain intimate relationships with a preferred partner.

Damona  13:15  

Oh, wait, that’s deep. We have to back that up for a second. Because there’s a lot in there. You said love is not an emotion. We are basically biologically wired for it. So explain how that plays out then in today’s

Noelle Cordeaux 13:32  

in today’s world of dating,

Noelle Cordeaux 13:34  

yeah. So you know, the feeling the chemical feelings of romance are not the only motivational system that we have hardwired in our body. So another really common one is our negativity bias that’s associated with a fight or flight response. So the way that that works is because our ancestors used to have to physically outrun danger. We are naturally attuned to that which is negative. It really doesn’t help us out in modern life. Same deal with romantic love. Obviously, everyone loves love. We see it reflected in movies and poetry and music and all of the things that humans produce. So it’s clearly a huge and vital part of our existence and the purpose of it is procreation of the species. So whenever we’re feeling these feelings, we kind of have to step back and say, okay, there’s something deeper going on here. There are unconscious drives, there are chemicals, neurotransmitters that are coursing through our body that are kind of hijacking. our capacity to choose for ourselves how we respond and react in situations where romantic love is on the table.

Damona  14:50  

That sounds complicated. Noel

Damona  14:54  

In all seriousness, you know, I’ve said before on the show that I don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe in lust at first sight. But I think I believe in slow love and that love. True love develops over time. What’s your reaction to that?

Noelle Cordeaux 15:14  

You’re pretty spot on with the way the chemicals work,

Damona  15:18  

guys, I didn’t pay her to say that or anything. But you know, I’m saying I’m saying it from a from an experiential point of view of watching how my clients have developed relationships over the last 15 years that I’ve been doing this Tell me from like the more brain chemistry perspective, what’s really going on in that?

Noelle Cordeaux 15:38  

Yeah, so so when you fall in romantic love with someone, for men, it tends to be visually based for women, it tends to be emotionally based and, and that’s not as terrible as it sounds. You know, from an evolutionary perspective, symmetry is what typically tipped off on ourselves. species that somebody was healthy. So symmetry is attractive for people and men are more susceptible to focusing on symmetry than women. Women are looking for stability from partner. That’s where the emotional piece comes in. And again, this isn’t based in you know, kind of hearsay this is these are long held evolutionary traits. So, the deep cut is that we, we evolved from bonobos in this particular regard. We have a 90% DNA match with bonobos, which are chimpanzees. And these guys used to live in tree tops, and when they lived in tree tops, they were a non monogamous species. When they fell out of the trees and began living on the ground, though women were female, but no bows needed men to take care of them or males to take care of them and then they began serial monogamy and then humans evolved from that

Damona  16:58  

gives a whole different tone to the term swinging.

Noelle Cordeaux 17:02  

Oh, yeah.

Damona  17:06  

Okay, sorry for the corny joke, but I know a lot of people listening are thinking that was evolution, right. But we’re modern. We don’t have to be. We don’t have to be married to this old model of how relationships were formed.

Noelle Cordeaux 17:27  

Absolutely. What do you say to that? We do not have to be. We can choose we absolutely have determination. But what we don’t have control over is our brain chemistry. So when there there are two types of romantic love reciprocated and unrequited. And they’re very different beasts. And so you know, everybody listening, think about what it feels like to fall in love. That means that you have focused attention on that person that there’s magnification you have pink lenses, there intrusive thinking you can’t get that person out of your head you feel exhilaration, torrents of emotion, yearning for them looking for clues. How many times have you guys seen people like listening to songs looking for clues about the person they’re interested in? And all of those behavioral markers are actually driven by neurotransmitters that start showing up when our brain gets tipped off that, hey, I might have a meeting partner.

Damona  18:29  

Okay, so you’re telling me basically we are working against our own biology, like when when we say, Well, I don’t necessarily I don’t want a partnership or I’m not into monogamy? Is that what you’re saying? Or am I hearing this wrong?

Noelle Cordeaux 18:44  

Yeah. So so so when we’re talking about kind of working against ourselves, we have to understand where these drives are coming from. And there’s there’s two different kinds of mating drives. And so we’re using like really technical language here to describe what happens in us not As in certainly humans, but as an animal species, right, so we all have hardwired in us last, which is the craving for sexual gratification. And that evolved in humans, where we’re looking to seek sexual union with a semi appropriate partner so that when I say semi appropriate partner, that’s a genetic match. And that’s actually driven by a sense of smell in humans, interestingly enough, and then the second piece is attachment. And so that evolved in humans to enable our ancestors to live with me long enough to rear a child. And those feelings paired with a long term partner are a really specific part of your brain that grows with courtship rituals, and intellectual conversation and emotional bonding.

Damona  19:54  

So let’s talk about that because I mentioned slow love, but I think some of our listeners that are newer to this concept, don’t really get what I mean.

Noelle Cordeaux 20:07  

So how

Damona  20:08  

does that happen? And like how, what is actually happening in our brains as you’re getting to know someone slowly over time. And I’ll just add one thing. I also recommend that my clients spaced out their interactions. Because when it all happens when you’re in that initial phase, and you’re seeing each other, like every day for the first week, you think that you’re very bonded, and you’re having this flood of brain chemicals, I imagine. And then you get further down the road and the, the feeling changes what’s going on in that in that evolution.

Noelle Cordeaux 20:45  

Yeah, so so you’re I’m gonna validate you again, your advice is actually spot on. I’m two for two I two for two with your brain chemicals. So spacing out communication Gives you a fighting chance to disrupt the mayhem that takes place in your brain. So when you first fall in love or when you have that surge of chemicals with romantic love, that period of time with those bonkers chemicals will last 12 to 18 months. So we have to understand that first of all the first 12 to 18 months are not going to be an authentic representation of what you can expect from this person as a partner. So really early on, what happens is dopamine spikes and the other chemical we really want to pay attention to here is serotonin, which lowers so how those two components relate to each other is dobutamine is so very, very addictive. So a text message from that person, contact communication. They liked your Instagram post. That all gives you this motivation set that you keep wanting more You keep reaching for this romantic drug that you’re being fed. On the other hand, serotonin, which is a regulator lowers when you’re in that crazy beginning phase. So that serotonin regulator increases your sense of risk taking behaviors. That’s how people can get very swept away in the early stages of romantic love. serotonin produces a sense of call and mood stabilization. So when that gets hijacked everything kind of goes out the window in terms of actual sense.

Damona  22:32  

So we turn crazy is what you’re saying. Yeah, we sure do. We turn crazy. Our inhibition lowers. We’re like high basically high on dopa mean. We’re pretty messed up in that first phase,

Noelle Cordeaux 22:44  

very much so very much so

Noelle Cordeaux 22:47  

and that

Damona  22:48  

that’s for a relatively long time you said 12 to 18 months

Noelle Cordeaux 22:52  

12 to 18 months.

Damona  22:55  

So this is why we here Well, I thought I knew him and then married him. And this is not the man that I married, you’re saying it’s really not the man that you married, or you’re not the same?

Noelle Cordeaux 23:07  

Exactly both all of the above. And if you happen to be on SSRIs, which are a form of antidepressants, or birth control, the birth control messes up your sense of smell. And a lot of times when you go off of those kinds of medications, you’re no longer attracted to your partner because your turn on template was compromised when you first got together.

Damona  23:31  

Okay, so so what do we do Noel? Like, do we just take the IUD or do we take his shirt home and smell it and sleep with it? Like how can we retrain our brain so that we can be wired correctly for romance?

Noelle Cordeaux 23:45  

Yeah, well, you know, I think that

Noelle Cordeaux 23:49  

awareness is the key to everything. So having a pretty clear understanding of the way your brain works, what the brain chemicals are, how they exist, what your experiences In the moment is really valuable information. So let’s talk about testosterone. When you are single, your testosterone is higher. So you know how people say, Oh my god, I got no relationship and I put on weight. That’s because your testosterone lowered and you didn’t feel like working out and you were putting on less muscle and you weren’t as interested in attracting a partner. And then we break up your testosterone goes right back up again, that gets us into fighting form to find our partner.

Damona  24:30  

Wait, that’s for men and women.

Noelle Cordeaux 24:32  

Oh, yeah.

Damona  24:33  

Okay, so that’s, that’s different than what a lot of people hear we hear testosterone just being associated with men really, but for women, it’s also important driver in relationships

Noelle Cordeaux 24:44  

very much so very much though. So testosterone has a lot to do with your sex drive, and both single males and females have higher levels of testosterone and if you separate or divorce or breakup, your testosterone rises

Damona  24:59  

this Just this is just blowing my mind.

Noelle Cordeaux 25:03  

Okay, this is blowing

Damona  25:04  

my mind and I know it’s going to blow the minds of a lot of our listeners. What about for those who really want to fall in love? Like we have all the information we know that our brain is basically working against us or working in concert with biological factors that we cannot control you. Can you still fall in love in today’s world? Is

Noelle Cordeaux 25:24  

it possible? Yes, it is certainly possible. And you know, there we can work with our motivation system to induce scenarios when we actually fall in love. So I’ll give you the one two punch, I’ll let’s talk about the scenarios in which we’re most likely to fall in love. And then once we are in a relationship that we are kind of looking around and saying, well, this is a really good thing. Let’s talk about the parts of the brain and what we need to do to keep everything going. So you’re most likely to fall in love When you meet someone during a life crisis. So don’t you know try to bring on a life crisis but if you happen to be in crisis start looking around. It’s a really good move.

Damona  26:08  

This is this is pretty different. This is a different approach because a lot of times you hear that people like you shouldn’t meet someone in the middle of a crisis because everything in your life is a blur. Like what let’s define crisis for people

Noelle Cordeaux 26:26  

like Yeah, boy.

Damona  26:28  

Or girl.

Noelle Cordeaux 26:30  

Yeah, actually. Yes. So times of stress, make you more likely to fall in love novelty. If you meet someone when you’re moving. When everything is brand new. If you’re having a hard time at work if you’re suddenly meeting a whole bunch of strangers. Anything that is different or stressful makes you more likely to fall in love. When you’re faced with mystery novelty Kwazii dangerous situations.

Damona  27:00  

This is why I say no well that you want to do something on a date that has action and activity to it. Rather than just oh my gosh, if I hear of another boring dinner date, but if you do something or there’s like competition or your, you know, go kart racing and there’s adrenaline, that’s it, that’s a better

Noelle Cordeaux 27:24  

first date, right? It is, and it’s all to do with those dopamine levels. You’re kicking them into high gear.

Damona  27:33  

And probably also, I’m just just musing here for a second. We hear people meeting at the gym,

Noelle Cordeaux 27:41  

does that yes, does the testosterone

Damona  27:42  

level there have something to do with that? Likely

Noelle Cordeaux 27:48  

and we can smell people I mean, we can you can smell people. And and and that, you know, you cannot underestimate the role of smell. Women are attracted To men whose sweat smells good to them, and that signals that you’re good genetic match.

Damona  28:08  

I’m gonna say something really creepy.

Noelle Cordeaux 28:11  

Do it Do it.

Damona  28:12  

I actually smell my husband like, like, Oh, my God. How like a bloodhound. Yeah, like, go up to him. And I’ll be like, I just want to smell like this is so weird. That is not weird. I can tell him now this is not weird. Doesn’t change though. Like the way that we smell them as like we’ve been together 16 years do people’s smells change in the way that you are attracted to certain smells change over time?

Noelle Cordeaux 28:42  

No, the chemical foundation will remain the same. What changes is the the way that you experience pair bonding. So in the beginning, lust is the main driver and then as you go deeper into the relationship, that’s when attachment and emotion takes over. Mm hmm.

Damona  29:03  

Tell me more.

Noelle Cordeaux 29:05  

Yeah. So emotional attachment is one of the things that keeps couples together, and it goes through four year chapters. So as we’re thinking about this, there is a really specific part of your brain that we want to be concerned with. And it’s the cottage in stealer part of your brain. And this part of your brain lights up, the deeper the verbal, mental, emotional connection. So when you press on that part of your brain, it expands your capacity for pair bonding. So it expands the capacity of the couples stay together if they are mutually engaging with each other and pressing on that intellectual, emotional, void that needs to be filled and unknown. thing to understand about this part of your brain is there’s another time when it lights up. And it also lights up with cocaine and opioid withdrawal. Oh my gosh,

Damona  30:09  

I thought you were gonna say like in childbirth. Then you’re like, when you’re strung out on drugs.

Noelle Cordeaux 30:17  

Yeah. So you’re similar a breakup and you feel like you’re dying. That’s why you’re basically

Damona  30:26  

having like an opioid withdrawal.

Noelle Cordeaux 30:29  

Correct from the psychological emotional part of your brain that you need.

Damona 30:36  

So wait, how can we get over this though?

Noelle Cordeaux 30:40  

Like, like there’s no

Damona  30:42  

What is that? I don’t remember the name of that drug. You take like when your

Noelle Cordeaux 30:48  

lockers no yeah, you can’t.

Damona  30:51  

You can’t go to the hospital and be like, help me I’m having a relationship with Joe. Give me a shot. Yeah. So I do this. With with The tools that we have that are legally and responsibly available.

Noelle Cordeaux 31:04  

Yeah, so I mean, first let’s talk about maintaining your relationships. So you know, similar to when you first start dating the role of dopamine is really important. So doing novel and exciting things together, increase adrenaline equals increased opening. Prolonged eye gazing is something that really works to get those brain chemicals rolling in to keep everything pair bonded, increased. Dopamine, he also gives you more feelings of attraction towards each other. So the more does mean that you can direct towards each other, the more you’re going to feel attracted to each other touch also amplifies and exponentially impacts pair bonding. So the more actual touching that a couple engages in, the more likely they are to stay together. And that really specifically triggers the endorphin of oxytocin, which gives That feeling of attachment. And also working out increased testosterone equals increased romance. So staying mentally and physically stimulated is really what we’re talking about. So, and the intellectual piece can’t be discounted here because that’s your prefrontal cortex, the logic center of your brain, your reasoning, and so we need to keep that piece really super alive.

Damona  32:24  

That’s a lot to do. But I think we could start somewhere we can start small. And just understanding like I said at the beginning of this conversation, just first understanding what factors are at work is the beginning of that process. But I know through journey, you You not only coach people and help people understand all of these factors and create a plan to move forward but you also are training other coaches to be able to to spread this message. Tell me a little bit about journey and why you have this mission. To to start this company.

Noelle Cordeaux 33:02  

Oh, sure. So, you know, journey coaching is a coaching collective. We have coaches from all over the world who have come through our training program to learn things similar to what we’re talking about today. It all starts with a brain. It all starts with, you know, how did we get here? What’s our evolutionary cycles? Let’s understand what makes us up. It’s not you, it’s your brain. We look at the difference between feelings and facts. And we train coaches based on graduate level evidence based work. The reason that we started our company is because when john and i, my business partner both started out 10 years ago, it was really hard to gain traction as a coach. And so we created the company in the community that we wish we had.

Damona  33:46  

That is wonderful. And yeah, I encourage anyone who is listening that thinks they might want to help other people in this way to check out journey and see how how they can begin this process because we need more We need more warriors of love and of truth and of authenticity and all the wonderful things that I know you teach in in this program. Before we go, Noel, we have questions that have been submitted to us from our listeners. So I would love for you to stick around and answer a few of those.

Noelle Cordeaux 34:20  

Absolutely.

Damona  34:25  

Welcome back to dates and mates. We are here doing your favorite segment and mine technically dating.

Noelle Cordeaux 34:33  

Technically.

Damona  34:35  

All right, no, no well Korto you are in the hot seat because we have questions that have been submitted from our listeners. This one comes to us from someone that says my date forgot about a date that we scheduled 24 hours ago. Last night we set a time place and everything and plan to get drinks after he got off work. Basically I waited at the place for 30 minutes. Send him a text to which he repeated Question mark. I got stood up and he’s so apologetic about it. But is this a red flag? He texted me Sorry I’m a total dick and I deserve to never be talked to again. But no explanation Noel or attempt to salvage? Is this a red flag People always ask me is this a red flag?

Noelle Cordeaux 35:19  

Yes. Red Flag. Yeah. Yes. You know, and really, you know, when we’re when we’re dating, one of the things that I always say to my coaches and my clients is, you know, it’s not about whether a certain behavior is good or bad. It’s what’s acceptable for your life. If it is fundamentally unacceptable for you to have someone not remember plans and to not give you an explanation, well, then this person’s behavior isn’t going to be a good fit.

Damona  35:52  

Yeah, I and I’m all for like giving people the benefit of the doubt. Like if they’re, look, I have I have goofed up. I’m pretty good with appointments but I have definitely goofed a couple of times and profusely apologized and said, Please like, Can I make it? How can I make it up to you?

Noelle Cordeaux 36:11  

But it sounds like

Damona  36:12  

from her response to his response to her, sorry, I’m a total dick and I deserve to never be talked to again. He’s not really making efforts to repair the relationship.

Noelle Cordeaux 36:24  

No, and it’s kind of a pass off. He’s abdicating responsibility. And instead of you know, owning it, he’s he’s linguistically forcing the choice for the other person to make the call. Yes, you deserve to or not be talked to again.

Damona  36:44  

Right. And I would bet, just based on this language, this is not the first time this has happened to him. No. Hmm. But then the question is, yeah, the question is, What can she do to avoid this happening again? Because I found like, my clients really don’t get stood up or ghosted, very often or at all. I can think of one in the last year. But do you have a system that you would tell your clients to make sure that people are showing up for them, and that they’re like honoring their time so that other people will honor it too.

Noelle Cordeaux 37:23  

I mean, very being very straightforward with what your ask is, you know, or what your expectations are at the beginning, that if communication is important, if promptness is important, if showing up is important, then let somebody know right up front, hey, this is important to me. And I’d like to see you and so if you’d like to see me you need to show up and communicate.

Damona  37:48  

Absolutely. And I was so I was when I was single. This was such a deal breaker for me. Like if someone canceled a date. That was just it and I, I want to make sure that like even though I said, I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt that it’s clear that I’m saying people, you teach people how to treat you. And I can think of so many instances where I was like really excited to go out with someone, but if they showed me who they were, I believe them right away, and I just was like, nope, we’re not gonna do this. And if she gives him the benefit of the doubt, she’s probably gonna end up with him not showing up for her down the road,

Noelle Cordeaux 38:26  

based on showing up in different ways.

Damona  38:30  

Yeah, you got me? Yep, exactly that Noel. Okay, one more question before you leave us for the day. This one comes to us from a fella who says, I’m seeing a woman who told me she doesn’t want to go deeper because she doesn’t want to risk losing our friendship. Should I keep trying? Or is this a way a soft way to let me down?

Noelle Cordeaux 38:54  

I have so many questions

Damona  38:57  

based on the information that we have you He’s been friend zoned. That’s for sure. But is it salvageable? Should he move on? What do you think?

Noelle Cordeaux 39:07  

So when he when he says, I have been seeing a woman, what does that mean? You know, are we talking about

Damona  39:14  

Like, like seeing her face? He’s seeing her face. Okay.

Noelle Cordeaux 39:19  

Yeah, I think

Damona  39:20  

it’s this casual like this epidemic of just hanging out dates or just like this Not knowing, you know, it’s people just not being in a specific dating situation, but we’re just hanging out.

Noelle Cordeaux 39:37  

Yeah. Okay, so So this sounds like a boundary has been set that this woman has said, you know, what we have going on right now is where I want to stay.

Damona  39:47  

Yeah, it could be a Friends with Benefits situation, too.

Noelle Cordeaux 39:49  

Yeah.

Noelle Cordeaux 39:52  

It could be and you know, I mean, honesty is always the best policy like if and it’s always worth a shot, you know, to say to somebody Hey, You’ve told me where your boundary is a See you, I hear you and I respect it. And here’s what I would like. So I’m going to put it on the table. And here’s the threshold that I have for continuing to see you and not having my needs met. So there’s gonna come a time when this casual thing ends, because I want more. And if you want more, let’s discuss it.

Damona  40:22  

Okay, now tell me from a, a chemical brain chemistry perspective. When, first of all, if a woman puts you in the friendzone, can you get out of it? And is it different from the man? And then also, if they are in a Friends with Benefits situation, and they’re like, let’s say they are having sex, can you? Can you still like form a relationship with someone else if you’re having sex with a different person?

Noelle Cordeaux 40:57  

Okay, we’re going to take these questions separately, the break Because the brain cams are all different. Yes. So

Noelle Cordeaux 41:05  

if if you are seeing someone and you have been friendzone. So this is not my opinion, this is like purely from a chemical perspective. So, dudes typically won’t give up the hunt because they’re attracted physically to the symmetry. Women’s minds can be changed because of the deepening emotional intimacy and capacity for support and connection.

Noelle Cordeaux 41:34  

Hmm.

Damona  41:36  

Go on.

Noelle Cordeaux 41:39  

So,

Damona  41:40  

so if she’s so she’s friendzone him, it’s,

Noelle Cordeaux 41:46  

it’s possible that she could change her mind. It is possible that she could change her mind. What would you have to do? Yeah, what would I do? A he would have to I mean, so we’re talking about that part. of your brain that lights up with pair bonding. So from an emotional intimacy and intellectual intimacy perspective, press on that part of the brain because that’s actually the more important part that the emotional connection supersedes the physical connection for women.

Damona  42:16  

Okay, so we’re not saying do that, but we’re saying, if you are friendzone, and you’d like to change it, and you want to devote the next three to six months of your life to try to do that, rather than to pursuing someone else, there you go. There, you know. Now we have to talk about friends with benefits from a chemical perspective, having sex with someone that’s easy and available, even if they are not somebody that you want to pair bond with. Does that reduce your ability to make another relationship happen?

Noelle Cordeaux 42:49  

Yes.

Damona  42:51  

Tell me more.

Noelle Cordeaux 42:53  

So, once you get into that zone, where you’re you’re being in To meet with somebody you’re so remember romantic love is a motivation system. That motivation system wants to keep kicking and complete itself. It goes through phases. It wants to go through the first 12 to 18 months and then it wants to go into the next four year chapter and then the four year chapter after that, basically looking at procreation as the goal. So I know that everybody listening to me is like, I don’t want to have a baby and like your brain and body don’t know that, right? Like, your brain and body are trying to override all of your actual desires. So what you’re doing is setting yourself up for a world of hurt on both sides for you and your partner. And that’s not an opinion that’s just the chemical facts. So when when stuff starts to not work or when love is unrequited or when that emotional piece doesn’t deepen, then we get into a whole series of other chemical reactions that scramble your brain.

Damona  44:08  

That sounds painful.

Noelle Cordeaux 44:10  

It is. Yeah, it’s stage one is protest. And that’s where we have frustration, restlessness, obsession, panic stress. And then stage two is despair and resignation. And that’s when we have depression.

Noelle Cordeaux 44:30  

Women withdraw socially and need to retell their story over and over again. men get angry and engage in risk taking behavior. Not my opinion, science.

Damona  44:43  

We can’t fight the science No. All right. Well, thank you for continuing to spread the good good word. If anyone listening is interested and exploring this world of coaching, you should check them out at journey coaching and that’s spelled j r n i Coaching comm or on the socials at journey coaching. Thank you so much for being here, Noel. It’s been awesome. Thank you. Thank you very much. I hope you enjoyed Episode 303 of dates and mates. And I hope I didn’t get too preachy on you about washing your hands and staying at home. But hey, somebody’s gotta say it. You can connect with me on all the socials. I’m still answering DMS and I’m taking questions for future dates and mates episodes. I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. Please connect with me. I love hearing from you guys. And we all could use a little extra community right now speaking of community, I’d love to have you as an official part of the dates and mates community on Patreon, my friends with benefits, get all my best goodies, especially that video training that I just released on how you can still be social distance dating. It’s so helpful, so juicy, I’m loving the feedback I’m getting from my current Patreon Patrons And friends with benefits. I’d love to have you in the club. Just go to patreon.com slash dates and mates. Until next week, I wish you good health and happy dating

 

Choose Love & Quarantine Courtship

CHOOSE LOVE

They say that choosing love is a revolutionary act. Especially now, with this global pandemic, we need to be reminded that there’s a lot of love to give in the world – virtually in times of quarantine of course.

That said, how is everyone holding up? Don’t give up on love. It may be bleak right now but we believe there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

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Today we’re going to spread some love and a little romance. We’re talking to Tenisha Nicole, host and producer of the Choose Love Podcast. She’s here to convince us why we should all be hopeless romantics.

More on that later, first we have headlines! 

DATING DISH 

A Different Kind of Coronavirus Casualty

The divorce rate spikes IMMEDIATELY after couples in China get out of quarantine. Coincidence? Definitely not. Damona and Tenisha break it down.

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Courtship Now

Here/Now has invented a new way to date in spite of the pandemic: virtual hang out group dating. WAIT! It’s actually kinda cool, don’t knock it until you try it.

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CHOOSE LOVE (14:60)

  • Choosing Love is a revolutionary act
  • After losing her mom to breast cancer, she set out to create a life worth living
  • Hopeless romantics are revolutionaries
  • digging into life’s big questions about love because they enable us to better understand ourselves and the world around us.
  • Love Stories are an unconventional therapy method

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Check out the Choose Love podcast on all your favorite podcast platforms!

TECHNICALLY DATING 

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Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • If a man wants the both of you to get healthy (lose weight) because he’s thinking long term (marriage, kids, etc) should that be taken as a positive thing or negative?
  • What are clear signs that a guy is leading you on or playing games rather than a guy who is trying to put all the ducks in a row first ?

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, welcome to dates in mates. How’s everybody holding up? I have to admit hasn’t been the easiest week for me. Not so easy to be mom slash teacher slash running both of my podcast slash serving clients slash checking in on parents and friends and family. And oh, yeah, me time. What about that? I’m sure you’re going through the same thing. But I just want to remind you just take it one day at a time and don’t give up on love. It may be bleak right now, but I believe that there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I think a lot of great things will come for daters out of this time of having to relearn New dating techniques having to slow down the rapid speed of dating, to actually get to know somebody to filter properly and make sure there’s someone you really want to go out with before we just swipe, swipe, show up and just throw caution to the wind. No, I want you to date strategically and mindfully, I want you to practice slow love. And I want you to be able to be as present as possible in your new relationships. And hopefully today, I can give you a little bit of inspiration on some of those new relationships or maybe the inspiration to start a new relationship, even if it’s virtually. Today we’re going to spread some love and a little romance we’ll be talking to tonisha Nicole, she’s the host and producer of the choose love podcast, and she’s here to convince us why we should all be hopeless romantics. Let’s give big smooches to to Nisha Nicole.

 

Tenisha Nicole  1:57  

Hi. Thank you so much for having me. It’s It’s an honor to be here. Oh, I’m so

 

Damona  2:02  

glad to have you. We need some inspiring stories today. So thank you for sharing a little bit of light and joy and spreading some more love in the world. And we’re also going to be handling these headlines including the biggest casualty of coronavirus plus a totally new way to date in the time of quarantine, then we’ll be answering your questions like should you lose weight with your man? And are there clear signs that a guy is leading you on tonisha? How are you ready to do this? Let’s do

 

Tenisha Nicole  2:35  

  1. These dating dish.

 

Damona  2:39  

Well, I told you I was going to cover the biggest casualty of coronavirus. Maybe it’s not the biggest casualty but in my business it is because now that China has sort of turned the corner on handling new cases and I just heard actually then move on. There were no new cases. So that’s Really, really good sign that that things are moving in the right direction. But the effect that it’s having on people’s love lives is pretty, pretty treacherous. Turns out that divorce appointment requests have skyrocketed. Since the quarantine ended around February 24. One office saw over 300 couples applying for divorces in the last three weeks. And this it’s just insane the number of people that are coming forward and being like, I’ve been on quarantine with him. And I can’t do one more day to Nisha, what do you think about this statistic? And do you think it’s the quarantine that that accelerated this or do you think this is something that like those couples would have probably probably been filing for divorce this year anyway?

 

Tenisha Nicole  3:49  

Yeah, I don’t know if they would have filed for divorce this year. But one thing I have noticed when listening to folks love stories is that I should be in things that really You know, makes you realize what’s important to you. And on top of spending so much time with each other, like you really can’t avoid those things that you annoy about that annoy you about your partner. So I think just in this time of, you know, just so much time being spent together, they’re, you know, there are things that you can’t ignore anymore. So, I can’t say that I’m surprised by the statistics, but I do truly feel for those folks who who are going through this right now.

 

Damona  4:29  

Well, it does intensify feelings when you can’t get out and you have to deal with it. I saw one one post on Twitter that was like, this is the time to air all your, all your dirty laundry and like force your boyfriend to face the music and deal with whatever’s going on in your relationship because he can’t run away and hide right now. I don’t know if I recommend that philosophy. But I do know that it’s really it is challenging. Like I can even say, from my own perspective. Usually my husband and I have no friction and we We’ve had to have a lot of like, like nightly sit down conversations just to keep the sanity and make sure that one another feels heard in the relationship. Do you have any other tips for any of our listeners, based on what you’ve heard from people in successful relationships of how they can navigate this time if they are living in close quarters with their boo?

 

Tenisha Nicole  5:23  

Yeah, I mean, I would just recommend I’m actually building a tiny home right now and thinking about how me and my partner are going to live in that space together, but it’s really about making sure you can still have your alone time and like have your own space. Even though you may be in a room together. You don’t really have to be together like you can be doing your own thing. But I do as an introvert believe that it’s so important to just carve out time for yourself and and your partner just so that they can have a moment of rest.

 

Damona  5:54  

Yeah, that’s so important. And I’ve often talked about each partner having their own space in the in the home even if you just have a desk that’s that’s your workspace and that’s your sacred space or a chair that you meditate in. I’m curious though how you would do that with a tiny house maybe you should go for a slightly bigger

 

Tenisha Nicole  6:17  

I mean you can really design homes and ways that you know, it feels like a separate space even though it’s not really but you can still go outside and take a walk. Same with the coronavirus. You can still go outside take a walk with your by yourself or with your dog or with your partner six feet away.

 

Tenisha Nicole  6:34  

But you can still enjoy nature.

 

Damona  6:37  

Yes, I’ve been I’ve been doing that and getting getting out in the world and just like also figuring out the things that make you get centered. Whenever you are starting to feel triggered. Do something that gets you centered because you’re going to lash out it’s all going to come towards your partner and the people closest to you. And we have to choose love, don’t me. Well, it turns out single people are also choosing love during this time. We talked last week about how dating apps are still seeing a surge in new users in communications. But y’all do not go out and meet that person face to face right now. It’s just too big of a risk. If you ask me. You could try something new, like a bunch of folks that joined up with a dating company called here. Now they are doing virtual dating events. And basically, it’s like speed dating on zoom. And they have it very well organized. They have 10 singles log on and they get I don’t know if Have you ever done speed dating Tunisia?

 

Tenisha Nicole  7:42  

I’ve hosted an event but I did not participate because I was in a relationship.

 

Damona  7:46  

Oh, how nice of you to continue to, to share the love. I have both participated. And I have hosted events actually. And I always thought it was a really fun way to practice dating like Those people may not end up being your, your be all and end all. But we have to keep these dating skills fresh throughout whatever long whether it’s two weeks, two months, hopefully not two years, but during this period, we cannot let the dating muscles atrophy. So I think that this is a really great way for people to connect. They just basically time, their conversations just like speed dating, so they get five minutes or something with a person virtually. And then a little message pops up on the screen that says your chat is about to end and at the end, they get a survey and they can see whether they vibe with someone on a platonic level or like a friendly level, or romantic. I like that, that it gives them the option because there are some people when I did speed dating, where I was like, I marked them as like a Yes, because I thought they were cool, but they were not necessarily somebody that I would actually date. But I like that you can say like I think I did think you were cool.

 

Tenisha Nicole  8:59  

Just Not

 

Damona  9:00  

I wasn’t feeling the vibe, but sometimes the vibe can it can expand if you give it time.

 

Tenisha Nicole  9:06  

Yeah. When you say Don’t think like most people don’t know that it’s the one after the first meeting. So I think having those options, those variations of yes is actually a great idea.

 

Damona  9:17  

Absolutely. And while we’re self quarantining, or whatever we’re doing, and we have to be distanced, from other socially distanced from others, that could be a really great way to let the connection develop over time. I’ve talked a lot about the speed of dating going so fast today. Maybe this is a good little speed bump for people to take a step back. And maybe there’s somebody that you had a friendly connection with, that if you continue to talk with them over zoom or Skype or WhatsApp or whatever, for the next few months, maybe something will develop maybe your feelings will change.

 

Tenisha Nicole  9:54  

I have not

 

Tenisha Nicole  9:57  

but I don’t know that it very well could happen. For sure,

 

Damona  10:01  

I’m sure well, I’m sure you’ve heard stories of it happening and in a moment, we are going to lighten the mood. And here are some of these love stories here. Tunisia’s own love story and some uplifting advice and and stories about love in just a moment so stick around and we are back with tonisha Nicole of the choose love podcast. So in choose love you tell these extraordinary love stories to Nisha about people that have found love in different ways and how their romances have evolved. I’m curious what gave you the idea to start this podcast?

 

Tenisha Nicole  10:45  

Yeah, well, I would say it was a series of unfortunate events that led me to start this podcast, but I a little bit of background about me. I have not been in that many relationships. But I have dated quite a bit and I am one of those people who is like a fan of dating. I feel like I’ve had the most fun on date. Like I’ve had some incredible dates with some incredible people. Although those did not lead to relationships. I still had an incredible time meeting that person getting to know them, sharing about myself and things, which I think people should partake in actively. A quick fun note, I’ve never online dated. So I am so interested in all of the things that you do Dimona, in a lot of the guests on our show actually have met their partner through online dating. So I know maybe one day I’ll have that opportunity, but I just haven’t had it yet.

 

Damona  11:45  

Well, but let’s hope not. Because you are dating someone now when you started the podcast. You were single, though.

 

Tenisha Nicole  11:53  

No. So I was actually in Well, yes, sorry, I wasn’t. I was single at the time

 

Damona  11:58  

where you were in a situation What was going on,

 

Tenisha Nicole  12:01  

though? So I was in a relationship for five years. And towards the end of that relationship, my mom passed away. And it was at that time that I realized that that really wasn’t the relationship for me. The guy was a great guy. But we were really in two different places. And he really wasn’t set up to provide the kind of support that I needed at the time going through, I would say, you know, the beginnings of the grief cycle. So I had broken up with him. And that’s when I started questioning love. So that’s why I kind of hesitated like, I was thinking I was in a relationship. But after I dated him after I broke up with him, I was single for two years. And during that time, is when I just got really curious about love and started reflecting about my love life. And I realized that I suck at love. I was like, I probably should get some professional help. So I sought out some things And then I started literally asking strangers about their love stories to give me insights into their experiences, what worked, what didn’t work for them. And then what blew my mind was the different types of love that exists that I had no idea about,

 

Damona  13:17  

Oh, you’ve piqued my interest. What different types of love are there?

 

Tenisha Nicole  13:22  

I mean, so I would, I don’t know, maybe I’m giving that a little bit too much hype. But for me, I had always believed in this, like fantasy love that you see in the movies. And it’s false.

 

Tenisha Nicole  13:34  

It doesn’t happen like that. So fake.

 

Tenisha Nicole  13:36  

And I had always been waiting for that to happen to me and looking for that in these people that I was dating. And I’m wondering why it’s not happening to me. So I think I think just talking to real people about their relationships, it was just like, oh, wow, sometimes, love just unfolds. You know, just day to day but there is something so magical about it, you know, unfolding, but I think we have to start to look at it differently are magical is actually pretty ordinary, but it is still magical.

 

Damona  14:10  

Yes, I agree with you on that. I want to go back a minute to something that you said and I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. But you know, sometimes those moments like when we are we are challenged. And we have to, we have to face things like mortality and these big questions like, what are what am I doing with my life? Who am I bringing into my life, they make us look at all of the other choices that we’ve made and realize that some things don’t don’t ultimately line up with what we want in life. And it sounds like that’s what happened with your relationship. But I did hear that you were together for five years. And that is a pretty long time. That’s a pretty long time. Was there any indication before that point? That The relationship was not heading the direction that you wanted it to go or that, you know, you visualized in this fantasy romance that you had.

 

Tenisha Nicole  15:10  

I would have to say like I was in total delusion, like I was so in line with where I was going, and I was I was like an active partner in shaping it. But it was going to be a relationship where, you know, we both had advanced degrees, we worked in the corporate world. We went to, you know, we went to buy a house, and then we got, you know, we got married, we had a baby, it was going to be that story. But like you said, it wasn’t until my mom passed away that it made me question if I wanted that to be my story. And I realized that I did not and that is never who I was, but I had kind of became that. I became that person in those five years. And I just looked in the mirror and I was like, Who the hell is looking back at me? I didn’t even recognize myself. So I don’t think I realized until, like, you know, I had that aha moment. Yes,

 

Damona  16:04  

yes. And you mentioned a lot of things that are like the box check things like, we have advanced degrees. And we, you know, we, we fit together in these ways. And he’s this and that. And a lot of times people date based on that list on paper. It’s this, but in reality, and we talked a little bit about this on last week’s show, it’s about how do you feel with that person, right? And where are you headed in the future if you continue on the path that you’re going, so you made a change, you made a big change, and then you started hearing other people’s stories and started to look at love differently, and then continued to evolve and change and something else happened.

 

Tenisha Nicole  16:49  

And so, I mean, this kind of really, I feel like happened overnight. But I mean, it was another series of events, but I think these were positive ones. So it led me to quit my job. I moved from the state that I was living in, I went to pilot school, which was something that I had always dreamed of. And then I finally got the courage enough to do it. And then, while I was in pilot school, I actually fell in love. I really didn’t plan any for any of that to happen. But things just started unfolding and doors opening. And I just took every opportunity that came my way.

 

Damona  17:28  

Wow. And you were following your passion. It sounds like doing the thing that really made you feel good about the path you were on in life, and then everything else sort of fell into place. It sounds like

 

Tenisha Nicole  17:40  

Absolutely, and I would say that I didn’t realize it was my passion because I was so afraid of, you know, taking the leap to do it. But it wasn’t until I took the leap that I was able to really embrace it and like realize, oh my god, I love flying planes and I love being in the sky like this is is an amazing, incredible feeling.

 

Damona  18:02  

Yeah, since amazing you found love as well. And so now you’re continuing to share other people’s love stories. I would love to hear from you. You’ve called choose love an unconventional therapy method. Right? What are some of the things that you learned that you’re now applying to your relationship?

 

Tenisha Nicole  18:21  

Yes. So there are so very many things. But I mean, I think the biggest one is, we talked a little bit about it earlier, is just there really is no, you know, there’s not a thing called love a box that we have to check for that we can attain after we’ve done X, Y, and Z. Like our love stories are going to be as unique as the two individuals or more that are in that relationship. And I think that we have to stop trying to make it something and just allow it to be us, you know, allow love to be us. So That was, I would say that would be the biggest takeaway for me. The second one would really be, it was it came from an episode. I remember recording it, we were literally at a conference in the corner, crying our eyes out, as this woman is telling me about her love story. But she was telling me in essence, how, you know, in the beginning, she took love so seriously in the beginning, like of her relationship with her at the time, it was her boyfriend, but she was taking love so seriously. And it wasn’t until he said, like, you know, I love you so very much. But I really cannot. I cannot today promise you that in 30 years, we’re going to be together and then I’m going to feel the same way about you. And I think that’s a really hard thing to hear. But that is also the reality and the nature of life. I feel like going into a relationship. I was always wanting someone to promise me the world and promise me forever. But really, when you start to think about all those things, you lose sight of what’s here and now right in front of you. So, definitely a lesson for me has been to enjoy the present. And yes, of course, I want to spend the rest of my life with someone, but there is no way I can tell what’s going to happen tomorrow. So just be present and enjoy it.

 

Damona  20:28  

Yeah, you absolutely have to do that. And that’s something I’m always telling daters, like, don’t think about where you’re going to go on your next date or when he’s going to meet your mom. Like, think about what’s happening right now. And how do you feel when you’re with that person? But the other thing I love about that story you just told Tunisia is that she also was brave enough to get the answer to the question she was probably scared to ask. And, you know, maybe she didn’t ask it. Maybe she did. But she heard. She heard the answer she needed And she took action from it. And sometimes it’s so hard to hear those things like I don’t see us together in 30 years. And it’s brutal in the moment. But what it does is it frees you up to be able to find somebody that does see themselves with you in 30 years if that’s what you want.

 

Tenisha Nicole  21:17  

Right. And the crazy part about that story, it just, I think it freed up her expectations of you know what it had to look like. And they’ve been married for 12 years, and they’re still going strong. They have two beautiful children. They’ve lived in France and La like, they have created a life for themselves. So just because you don’t you know, you can’t promise the future doesn’t mean that you’re not going to have a future.

 

Tenisha Nicole  21:41  

Wait, so they’re still together.

 

Tenisha Nicole  21:43  

They’re still together. Yes, they got married.

 

Tenisha Nicole  21:45  

How about that?

 

Damona  21:49  

So that’s a good lesson as well. But sometimes hearing the truth doesn’t mean that it’s headed in different directions. But sometimes if you know the reality, then you know what you have to do to to recommit to your relationship so that’s a beautiful story. I’m going to have to download that episode and all of the episodes I hope all of you are checking out. Choose love right after this, but tonisha you’ve heard so many amazing love stories from daters, from couples on your podcast. I know you must have some great advice to share for our listeners. So let’s keep it moving with the next segment with our questions in technically dating. We are back with dates and mates. I am here again with tonisha Nicole, who is the host of choose love which is a podcast all about romantic stories on love. So she’s she’s heard the ups. She’s heard the downs, she’s heard downs that sounded like downs, but then they ended up being ups. So we have questions from our listeners. This one comes So as from Instagram, this person says, If a man wants the both of you to get your health, ie lose weight together, because he’s thinking long term marriage, kids, etc. Should that be taken as a positive thing or negative?

 

Tenisha Nicole  23:15  

So, I mean, whenever I hear advice about love and relationships and dating, I always like to put it in the context of my family. Because I think your partner does, eventually, you know, become a part of your family. And so when I hear that, I think back to the time when I was on my health kick work first starting my health cake, and I asked my sister, I was like, Look, you have two young children. Like I want you to be here for a long time for them. So I’m like trying to get her to come to the gym with me. So I’m like to me when I hear you know, a partner asking another partner to join in the health journey. I’m like, I don’t see that as a negative because I think health is such an important aspect of living a long life and health health reasons can bankrupt families. It can devastate families in so many ways. So I think if you just hear about you know, the intention of the of the question, and not just the shallow I think, you know, things we want to think about it, it can, it can come off a little bit differently.

 

Damona  24:24  

That’s a good way to look at it. I, I just get I kind of bristle whenever I hear someone saying, saying that they want their partner to do something for them, like lose weight, especially. But then I keep rereading this one because initially, I was like, that’s not his business. And then then I was like, well, he wants both of you to get your health together. So that’s saying, I’m not telling you to do something that I’m not doing. I’m saying let’s do this together. So that kind of puts me on the side of actually it’s a good And I think it’s a good thing that he’s showing. He’s thinking long term marriage, kids, etc. It’s just a really tricky thing to try to describe to another person, why you want why it’s important for them to be, you know, healthier, and make them feel the need from them themselves, make them feel like that’s important. Because if you’re just like, you should do this. And then they’ll never stick with the plan. Right, and they’ll resent you for it.

 

Tenisha Nicole  25:28  

Exactly. You really, I mean, I think it’s better to share your intention, like really where you’re coming from so that someone can understand, you know, is it because you don’t find them attractive anymore? Or is it because you’re concerned about their health, now that I wouldn’t be able to answer so

 

Tenisha Nicole  25:45  

easily.

 

Tenisha Nicole  25:46  

I’m assuming that they have good intentions.

 

Damona  25:50  

So we’ll just go back to the simplified version of the question. Is it a positive thing or a negative thing? It’s okay.

 

Tenisha Nicole  26:00  

He’s gonna let you off the hook saying it’s positive

 

Damona  26:04  

it does depend there there are there are definitely follow up questions that we would have but it sounds like overall, he is thinking long term he is thinking about both of your health and he wants to be in the future with you. So that’s that’s, that can only be a good thing. Okay, we have one more question. This one comes from our Patreon group. This person says what are clear signs that a guy’s leading you on or playing games rather than a guy who’s trying to put all the ducks in a row first? What have you heard I wonder what have you heard from cheese love or what have you experienced

 

Tenisha Nicole  26:41  

that great question. Um, I’m like trying to go through my memory Baker, this one because I don’t feel like we’ve addressed this specifically.

 

Damona  26:52  

Yeah, well, I I would say, when someone’s playing games, generally, you know, it’s just we don’t want to hear it. We don’t want to hear it because we’ve told ourselves a story just going back to that fantasy story that you were talking about in the last segment. You know, you you want it to be, you want it to work out, and so you hear the thing that you didn’t want to hear. And then you’re like, well, I’ll just ignore that.

 

Tenisha Nicole  27:19  

Just keep going.

 

Damona  27:21  

So, you know, definitely signs of game playing. I’ve experienced, like people not returning calls or texts in a timely manner. Like if he wants to text you back. If he really wants to talk to you, he’s gonna text you back. Why are you making excuses for him like 234 days later? If he’s only available at certain times, like you can only see him on the weekends. That’s probably that’s probably a big red flag like he’s maybe in a relationship with someone else.

 

Tenisha Nicole  27:58  

What What else have you seen? Yeah, like those are the big red flags for me.

 

Tenisha Nicole  28:05  

Yeah, I mean, just obvious signs of dis dis interest? Like, I don’t know, I can recall a few girlfriends who are just way more over enthusiastic about the relationship than the guy who tended to be. And I think it was those sounds like you’re reaching out to them more than they’re reaching out to you. Those are like the big ones that I can think of for sure.

 

Damona  28:25  

Yeah. And I wonder like this idea of putting all the ducks in a row first, I’ve scarcely met a guy who was relationship ready, who was just like, hold on one second, like, let me let me align my ducks. Like we still have this drive for a relationship or for sex or intimacy, and he’s still going to pursue you. It’s just maybe, maybe he’s not proposing if you are looking for a serious relationship. Maybe that’s not happening fast enough because he’s getting his finances in order. But in terms of dating you, I don’t know that anyone would would be pumping the brakes on a relationship they really want to be in just because they’re getting their ducks in a row when you say,

 

Tenisha Nicole  29:06  

but I do think it can be confusing because some guys will make you feel like you’re dating them.

 

Tenisha Nicole  29:13  

They’re not really dating you. So I think you really have to be careful with that one.

 

Damona  29:20  

Yeah, well, it’s gonna be a lot harder right now for people to play the field. Yeah, because

 

Tenisha Nicole  29:26  

we can’t even

 

Tenisha Nicole  29:28  

it said if they’re not texting you back, right? It’s because they don’t like you because we know that everyone is it.

 

Damona  29:36  

Yep. So let’s just get let’s just air it all out. Unless they have kids like me. They’re just like, how there’s a reason I did not become a school teacher. And here it is. And here it is. But yeah, we just need to air everything out right now. Let’s just let’s just get everything out in the open. Let’s deal with what’s really going on. So we can move forward in truth and hope. Hopefully in love. Thank you so much for joining me to Nisha, thank you so much for having me. It’s been a joy and a pleasure. Same here. I hope all of you will check out the choose love podcast. It’s on all your favorite podcast platforms and you can find tonisha and some more love stories on Instagram at x tonisha. Nicole t n is h A and IC o l e Of course we will put the link in the show notes along with the link to the stories that we talked about in the dating dish. Thanks for being here.

 

Tenisha Nicole  30:31  

Thank you.

 

Damona  30:32  

I hope you enjoyed Episode 302 of dates and mates. I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. I know a lot of you are going crazy right now with this quarantine dating situation. I’m here for you. So you can DM me anytime at damona Hoffman on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and I promise you I will give you some advice, a little bit of an uplift to keep you going as we are all social distancing, but still craving that connection. I will be here again next week with more dates and dates. Until then, wash your hands and happy dating