YOUR DATING QUESTIONS ANSWERED

You’re in for a treat because today’s episode is all about YOU. Yes, you. In our special Dear Damona episode, we tackle the questions about love,dating, sex, and romance that you’ve submitted. And we guarantee you that even if you haven’t sent in a question this month, one of the challenges that is addressed in today’s episode is likely to sound very familiar to you.

But first, let’s dish!

DATING DISH (3:05)

Workplace Romance

Workplace Romance: yeah or nay according to millennials and Gen Z workers. Damona weighs in.

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Different Dating App Features

Everything you wanted to know about how each dating app works but didn’t have the energy to log in, set up a profile, and swipe to find out. Damona explains more.

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Famous Women Dating Shorter Men

Does height really matter in dating? Not as much as you might think according to these celebrity couples. Damona weighs in.

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DEAR DAMONA (13:11)

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In this Dear Damona episode dedicated to answering your dating questions:

FOLLOW ALONG HERE

Unknown Speaker  0:00  

Are we supposed to get married?

 

Unknown Speaker  0:01  

I’m gonna just swipe. I

 

Unknown Speaker  0:02  

don’t want somebody to share my life.

 

Damona  0:09  

You can keep waiting for the fairy tale, or you can get on board with the new rules of relationships. If you’ve read my advice in the LA Times, then you know, this ain’t your mama’s love advice. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers, you are in for a holiday treat because today’s episode is all about you. Yes, you. In our special dear Dimona episodes, I tackle the questions about love, dating, sex and romance that you’ve submitted. And I guarantee you that even if you haven’t sent a question in this month, one of the challenges that is addressed in today’s episode is likely to sound very familiar to you. But before we get into q&a, you know, I have these headlines I will cover does height really matter in dating? Not as much as you might think, according to these celebrity couples, and workplace romance, yay, or nay according to millennials and Gen Z workers. Plus, everything you wanted to know about how each dating app works, but didn’t have the energy to login, set up a profile and swipe to find out? Then I’ll answer your questions, including how important is sex and intimacy in a relationship? And should you use your real age on dating apps, plus 24 and never been kissed what you need to know about dating today. And we end with a kicker question that is even too hot for this tease. So stay tuned to the end for that juicy one. That’s what’s on deck for today’s dates and mates. Now it’s time for the dish.

 

Unknown Speaker  1:49  

These dating dish.

 

Damona  1:52  

The Wall Street Journal gave us a thought provoking new article on workplace romance. You’ve heard me talk on this podcast about it before. But according to a new Stanford University study, they found that the percentage of straight couples who met through work actually dropped from 19% to 11%. between 1995 and 2017. The article says that part of the shift can be attributed to the rising popularity of online dating. But there’s also been the rising popularity of a little movement called hashtag me to that probably also played a role in the decline of office relationships. I think the last time we might have talked about workplace romance on this show could have been even before Me too. But there were studies around that time. That said, people were starting to think that it was a good idea to meet someone at work. And I think it’s because we were spending so much time at work that where else were we going to meet someone. But now that dating apps have become a little bit more popular, less stigmatized. And now that of course, me too has helped us realize the power dynamics and the the uncomfortable situations that you could be putting yourself in and the way it could impact your career trajectory, whether you are male, female, whether you are the person to initiate or not. And because let’s face it, COVID, and this study ended in 2017. But I can only imagine now, who’s in your workplace was in your workplace that you could possibly date. So I am I’m with this new data. And I really believe that the workplace is not the best place to find your match. Of course, I know you’re all going to write to me and say, but damona I know about this person who met their husband, and they’ve been together for 25 years or but Dimona, I had this really great flirtation. And then because I was out with this person, I got this promotion, whatever, of course, you’re going to hear all of the the different, different perspectives on this. But the bottom line is, I want you to be successful at work. And I want you to be successful at love. And the data shows that your best chance at doing both of those things is to separate those two worlds. According to the girlfriend.com, there are a bunch of new dating app features that you need to know about. I loved this article, because it really just broke down all of the different features and the changes in COVID. We talked about dating apps on this show. I know quite a lot. But I really just think that it’s the best way to expand your dating pool right now, regardless of your age, regardless of geography and even pre COVID of course I said that but now in COVID if you’re looking for love, this is the place to be but you need to know what features and what benefit benefits each app has. So this article which we’ll link to in the show notes, breaks it all down. But basically, I’ll give you the Cliff’s notes. Okay, Cupid, they confirmed, and I did not tell them this, y’all that women on the site are sending 40% more messages, more intro messages than they did before, March before COVID. And you’ve heard me say on the show before, take control of your dating destiny. So I’m very pro women sending outgoing messages, I think Bumble has had a little bit of a of an impact on that, because now it’s normalized women sending messages. But still not enough. Ladies are doing it. So let’s, let’s take away the gender norms. Let’s put chivalry aside for a second, you’re just dealing with an app. And OkCupid is telling us that this is where the action is. Also, they made it so that you could take away your location boundaries. So instead of just being like location based, which a lot of the apps are and choosing people in your immediate radius, that you can expand your radius, maybe beyond what you normally would search or even across the country. And okay Cupid said those who have no location boundaries have 5% more conversations than those who restricted it. Are those conversations leading to dates, we don’t know. But unless you try it, you don’t know where your dating destiny might lead match. They’ve added a bunch of features with games and icebreakers. I’ve talked about this on the show as well when you’re doing video chat dates. And when you’re getting to know someone in the virtual space now that many of us are on second wave lockdown, and can’t go out to social distance dates. definitely take advantage of those games and icebreakers to to make the dates more fun. It shouldn’t feel like a job interview, it shouldn’t feel like a chore, make it fun, set yourself up for success. Tinder, they actually said they saw a 15% spike in new revenue for first time subscribers to Tinder. So that means, and that’s just from April to the end of July. So that means a lot of new people are on Tinder. If you haven’t tried it in a minute, you might want to think about it again. Because that is sort of the gateway drug is the gateway dating app drug. So there’s a lot more people there, they’ve added face to face video. So this is video chat within the app. But it’s a little different than then you know how on zoom, you see yourself and like a little, little box. And then you see the other person big, or it switches based on who’s talking. This is like a side by side video chat. So you can actually feel more like you’re in a direct conversation. And then plenty of fish. I think they take the cake doing live stream. And I want to know what you all think about it, or if anyone’s tried the plenty of fish live stream feature. But you know the same way that you live stream on Instagram, like if you see someone on video, you get a sense of their personality, how they walk and talk, how they move, and all that is a part of attraction. So take advantage of these new features. There’s even more in this article, they talk about Bumble and they talk about Coffee Meets Bagel, we’ll put the link in the show notes if you want to switch it up with the dating app and see who else might be out there. And while you’re looking, you might want to think about the height restrictions that you’re placing on your dates. We got a lot of mail in about our episode on shorter guys dating back in the spring. I know y’all are having some feelings. And look, I’ll be honest, I’m five feet tall. I never had height restriction because everyone pretty much is taller than me. So okay, you can take that into consideration. But I’ve seen time and time again with my clients. I’ve been doing this for 15 years, that when they don’t put a strict height restriction or any kind of restriction really on physical traits that they have more success in they’re able to find a match who loves adores, respects them, treats them well makes them excited more quickly than if they are super restricted in their searches and are only looking for people who are say, I don’t know, three inches taller than them and heels. I know y’all be doing that, that height math. But this article in the things calm pointed out a few celebrity couples that are successfully together and have a height differential. So Nicole Kidman for example, who’s five foot 11 I mean, if you’re five foot 11 and you’re like the guy needs to be taller than me, I couldn’t even tell you how small that dating pool of eligible bachelors is. But Nicole Kidman never been an issue for her. We all know that Tom Cruise is super super petite. But Keith Urban is actually one inch shorter than he then she is also a Nikko Parrish and Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart is notoriously tiny five foot four. She’s five Didn’t have any problem didn’t have any problem. You know, she likes living in that that big beautiful house. I don’t know if y’all saw his Netflix special or his Netflix series, but they’re doing okay. They are doing just fine. Tina Fey is also with a shorter man. Her husband, Jeff Richmond is five foot one same height as my dad. Although he’s gonna tell you he’s five foot two if he’s listening to this podcast. But anyways, not an issue for Jeff Richman. He’s a composer. And he got the funniest lady in the game at three, four inches shorter. So just see what happens. Y’all just open up your mind. Don’t get so fixated on the package that love comes in. But really get into how do you want to feel? How do you want to feel when you’re with that person? How do they light you up? How do they make your life? How do they enhance your life and bring more joy to you, especially at a time like this? Those are the headlines for today. Your questions are coming right up in dear demona. We will be talking about things like is it cool to date, your friend’s younger brother and cell phone etiquette on dates, so many questions, so many answers. Don’t go anywhere.

 

Welcome back. I am so overwhelmed with all of your questions. So I want to dive right into it. My friends. This is dear Dimona D.

 

Unknown Speaker  11:33  

Help me

 

Damona  11:34  

Our first question comes to us from a listener named Samantha.

 

Samantha and lovers, I think you know what I’m going to say to this, what have you gotten that was worthwhile in your life by just letting it unfold by chance? Hmm, not that much. I have seen time and time again that when you make love a priority, when you put that focus on your dating life and say, This, to me is more important right now then hanging out with my friends, or my job, for example, often it’s my job, or my extreme commitment to working out and make it have that level of importance in your life carve out the time, the same way that you do when you commit to those other things, when you make that kind of a commitment to love. That is when I have seen for my clients things unfold very quickly. And I’m not saying this to toot my own horn, but I had a 90% success rate in my VIP coaching program last year. And that was people who committed three months of their life, to making dating a priority to showing up for sessions with me to doing the homework that was asked of them to making finding love either the most important or something that was important enough that they were willing to carve out space and put other things on hold to focus on it. Those people ended up in relationships within three months. So to me that says that dedicated focus and, and decisive action gets results. And I’ve seen that in my life in other areas. So why would finding love be any different? I really I really resent the that phrase of it’ll happen when you least expect it. Because to me, that’s telling you that you need to just give up everything. And then that’s when things unfold. And I think that that’s just the most backwards advice. Of course, there is the advice against holding something so tightly that you can’t let it grow. But that’s not what I talk about when I talk about clarity and decisive action and carving out the time. So Samantha, that is my answer what I think about people who say it’ll happen when you least expect it. This next question comes to us from Lauren. She says What does it mean? If a guy opens up that his past relationships were usually lost or physically driven and shouldn’t have lasted? However, with me, she’s talking about just not a guy she’s talking about a specific guy with me. He hasn’t been intimate. Parents medical here sex because he wants to be sure we can have both What would you advise that this means? Well, Lauren, I don’t know how long this this relationship has been going on for. But what I’ll tell you is that sex and intimacy are generally always a part of a relationship. And especially if you know, it’s not that he’s asexual, which some people are, he’s not asexual, because he has had sexually driven relationships in the past. So even if he’s not lust driven, there should be some physical intimacy between the two of you. I’m not saying that, that it’s doomed. But this is definitely something that you need to address. If this is something that you are interested in, of course, people make different decisions about dating, whether for their faith or for the way they want the relationship to play out. But if you are not getting your needs met, and this is on an emotional level, or a sexual level, this is something that you do need to bring up to him. And you can phrase it not like,

 

please don’t phrase it like this, Lauren, like, What is wrong with me that you don’t want to have sex with me, because that’s definitely not going to get you the response that you’re looking for. But if you could just even write this out, in advance, write down what you would say, and kind of work through the emotionality of it, so that you can approach him with clarity and, and, and without judgment. And just say, to me, sex is important in a relationship, or intimacy is an important part of the relationship. I love, the emotional connection that we share. And I wonder how we might be able to deepen this physical part of our relationship together. And then y’all have heard me say this on the show before, stop, pause, listen, see what he says back to that, because you’ll know very quickly, if he’s like stammering, and looking for excuses of why that makes him uncomfortable, or you can’t do that, that to me would be a sign that something is wrong. But if he leans into you, and he says, Wow, I hadn’t looked at it like that I am really invested in this relationship too. And I want to figure this out, then you know that you have a guy that’s going to go the distance, and show up for you in the way that you deserve. This next question comes to me from Instagram.

 

Unknown Speaker  17:28  

Hi, Dimona. So my question for you is, whenever I’m on the dating apps, and I’m swiping or liking profile, I tend to only, like the profiles, in which the guy has a college degree. I myself have two degrees. So that’s really important. But I’m wondering if that is me just being too picky, or if that’s me, just having a certain standard.

 

Damona  17:59  

Ladies, ladies, ladies, we do this, don’t we? We like to put different, different hurdles for guys to jump over. And look, I’m a sapiosexual. I’ll I’ll admit that education was important to me too. But you have to understand, and I’m sure you do, if you looked around your classes in college to realize that women are actually getting advanced degrees at higher rates than men are. So let’s just do some dating pool math, when you are dating in a pool of people that either have a master’s degree or higher, and then you start to layer on all of these other things that are on our list that really are important. Your dating pool is going to get smaller, and smaller and smaller, because just statistically speaking, there are fewer guys that are going to have master’s degree, master’s degrees or higher at this point. So are you limiting your options too much? Um, maybe I would say, I would say do a little work around figuring out what that means to you. What is a master’s degree mean? And what is not having a master’s degree mean? Like, do you feel when you’re with someone who does not have a master’s degree? Do you feel judged for being highly educated? Or do you feel like you’re not intellectually stimulated when you are with someone who does not have a master’s degree? And then if you could extrapolate that down into what does it really mean? You could figure out what is the actual filter? Because if the actual filter is he must have a master’s degree or doctorate or something like that, then yeah, your dating pool is going to be limited. But if you could say, oh, that means to me, I need to be with a man who respects my level of education and doesn’t feel intimidated by that, then that is not a limiting factor any longer. Our next question comes to us from a listener on Instagram, who we will call Kay Kay says lately I’ve been questioning whether my relationship is worth saving. or not, I’ve been dating my partner for four years now we have a dog we adopted as a couple. He’s 34. And I’m 27. Two years ago, I broke up with him because I felt emotionally neglected and didn’t feel it could change and moved out of town. That’s a long way to go to leave a relationship. Months later, we started talking again and visiting each other. So we could see our dog, which he kept. I’m going to give you the Cliff’s notes, now they started dating again. And then they have been living together, again with each other for a year. But those changes have triggered a deep depression that he is is dealing with. And she’s also she’s also handling her own mental health issues. And she’s wondering if in the era of COVID, because of course, for everyone, and for Kay as well, it has added an extra level of confusion. She wants to know if this pattern can change, or if they are just not emotionally compatible. a difficult question in normal circumstances, but in COVID, even more complicated, and of course, with the way things are, she says neither of us have the option of breaking our lease and moving somewhere else, as money is very tight. Thank you, Kay. I know this is a this is a challenging situation for a lot of people. And there are a lot of folks right now who are staying together because the situation would isn’t isn’t possible for them to move out. First, I just want to address the relationship. And then I want to address what you what actions you can take next.

 

This is a huge challenge, not the mental health part of it. And I do want to address that, because I feel like a lot of Look, it’s no secret betterhelp is one of our biggest sponsors, for for a reason. Because I believe that mental health works in tandem and is a is a is an extremely important part of understanding yourself and the way that you operate in a relationship. So I’m not going to say you should abandon someone with mental health challenges or that that you should step away from a situation if you see that is causing just because you see it as causing you mental stress. That is something certainly to work through with your with your therapist. And I think a lot of relationships actually are opportunities for us to work through our communication style and to work through our challenges. So of course, if there’s anything like excessive drinking, that makes an environment unsafe for you, you have to get out regardless of money, someone a friend, somebody would take you in, if it’s not that, that level of intensity, if it’s just that you feel that he’s pulling away, and you feel like he’s not engaging with you. That would not be a reason to me to leave. But it would be a reason to say, to say I want to support you and helping you move through this, because I want to strengthen our relationship. And when you are when you are so deep in your depression, I I feel helpless, like I can’t reach you. And you can maybe work with a separate couples counselor to to work through this together. But if you know you’ve been in this relationship, I think you said for for two years. And it’s if this is always the dynamic, if it’s on again off again, high intensity pulling away, diving back in, it may be more it may be causing you more mental stress than it is causing you. Happiness. And if that is the answer, if you look back over time, and you’re like, what is this relationship given me? And the answer is more stress than more joy, then I think you have to start to plan for yourself. What is the way to rebuild my life outside of this relationship? How is that going to be possible? And as I said earlier, even though finances I know are really tight for a lot of people right now. There, I guarantee you there’s someone who might not be comfortable. But there’s someone who would help you to move on if you decide that this is the right choice for you, and the right time for you to do it. So don’t be afraid to ask for help. And don’t be afraid to start that conversation with your therapist of just saying what would my life look like if I wasn’t in this relationship and you’ve had a little taste of this before. Having moved away, but you only got one chance to have this life, Kay. And who you choose to spend your time with and the way you choose to live your life, it matters. So if you are not getting your needs met in this relationship, it’s also not up to you to save him and to be responsible for his mental health. All right, we have a question now from Caroline. She sent this to me on Instagram, she says, I’m 24. And I’ve never kissed anyone. And I’m starting to go on dates via different apps. And I’m really nervous about broaching this topic. And the sex topic. Do you have any advice on how to bring this up? Or do I even bring it up? Just any advice on the whole situation would be great.

 

Caroline, thank you so much for being brave enough to share this question. I’m sure there are a lot of listeners right now, who either can relate to feeling the way that you are feeling right now, or who are exactly going through this right now. I was a bit of a late bloomer, myself, and I can understand the feeling of like, you feel like everyone else is doing it. And you’re you gotten left behind. And the idea of, of even expressing that to a partner, or showing how inexperienced you are romantically, that that brings up anxiety for you, right? So what I would say is, first of all, there’s like tons of content out there, if you’re really nervous about sex and understanding just how to be a good kisser how to how to be a good sexual partner. It’s not my expertise, so I’m not going to cover it today. But like, Emily Morris, who’s been on the show before, she’s a great resource for that Dr. Chris Donahue, who’s also been on the show, if you want to listen to those episodes, or go check out their content. They have great information on how you can get comfortable in your own body. But I would say, you don’t actually need to bring up the topic. Because it’s actually not their business. The only important thing before you, you move into a sexual situation with someone I believe that you need to do need to disclose is, if you are if you have STI STI or not, and if they if they’ve been checked or not. And of course, if you have COVID, or in a hunch, and whether whether they have been tested for the same, and beyond that, I think you let the information unfold as you feel comfortable. So you never have to share if somebody like how many dudes Have you had sex with? I know we feel pressured to answer questions directly. But there’s always a way to flip it and equate cuz they’re not really asking that question. I guarantee you No man really wants to know how many men you’ve had sex with? If you just flip it, like why would I talk about what men I’ve had sex with? When I’m here with you? And when I’m with a sexy guy like you trust me, you say that he’s not going to be thinking about the other dudes that you hypothetically have had sex with her not. Our next question comes to us from Trisha.

 

Unknown Speaker  28:23  

Hi, demona. This is Trisha from the great white north of Canada. I am a newbie at dating apps and getting ready to prepare my profile. My question for you is, should you be completely honest about your real age? The old classic response of a lady never reveals her age. Does that still apply to today? I’m in my mid 50s. Yet no one guesses that usually 10 to 15 younger. And all thanks to my god given useful genetics. I would absolutely love to hear your opinion on this. Thanks to Pomona and stay healthy and safe. xo xo?

 

Damona  29:09  

Trisha, this is a complicated question, because I think you should always be honest, but I have dealt with a lot of clients. And I’ve seen a lot of profiles of people who fudge their age. And there’s a strategic reasoning for this. Certainly, when you’re dealing with the dating apps, you’re dealing with a tool, you’re dealing with an algorithm and real talk, there are real breaks that people use when they’re searching in their their search criteria. So it’s common that they’ll either say I’m searching five years or five years older and five years younger, although or they’ll say I’m searching between 45 and 50. And every five years there tend to be those breaks. Okay, so we know that those are there. What that means is that you’re not Coming up in as many of the searches of those people. But if you are on an app where you can do searching like a match, for example, you can set your parameters wider, and you can be the one to initiate messages. And studies have shown that if someone is attracted to you, even if you fall outside of their age range, they will still message you back if they find you attractive. So it’s really just about seeing that, building that attraction and letting that unfold. I would also say that if you’re on a swipe app, if you are similar, similarly age to the people in their age range, you guys have probably noticed this guys and gals have noticed this on your dating apps that you’ll have your parameters set for a certain age range, and then you’re like, here comes this guy, and he’s like seven years older than the oldest, I would say I would date. And that’s a lot of times one, because the match algorithm, algorithm is a little bit fuzzy on the swipe apps, and two, because that person might have seen you in their searches. And they are then going to present that person in your, in your feed of matches, that that will enable you to see them and potentially swipe on them, even if you have been more restrictive in your in your search criteria. Okay, so to answer your question and drive this home, it’s up to you, I wouldn’t want to start a relationship based on a lie and have the first thing in my profile, or the first thing that you say on a date be Oh, by the way, I’m actually this age, up to you. But it does require a little bit more effort, a little bit more of the outgoing message sending as I was talking about in the first segment. And eventually, if you are doing the work and you’re showing up, you are going to match with somebody who doesn’t think of your age as an issue whether they are in the same age range as you or not. Okay, this one was emailed to me Dimona at damona Hoffman calm or you can go through the website at data and mates.com. This person says I think I found the one in my closest girlfriends younger brother. He’s 28. I’m 32. I had a feeling about him years ago. And then I met him again recently. And there was a spark that I hadn’t felt before with anyone. He texted me a few times, but I didn’t expect much as he had just moved back from Virginia to Arizona to start a medical practice. I haven’t had any new texts from him since October and no calls, but I’m not worried about it. I think that he felt the spark too. But there hasn’t been a dialogue about it. Am I on the right track? Or am I destined to be alone forever? Oh, my goodness, m This is from listener m. m, there’s a big range between Am I on the right track? And am I destined to be alone forever? Okay, so let’s break down some of these alternatives scenarios. First of all, let’s just take out you’re not destined to be alone forever. So even if this situation doesn’t work out, it’s not fair to even have that in the back of your mind. So we’ve scratched that off the list. Are you on the right track? I don’t know. It’s very hard. Like it sounds to me like this is a little bit of a leap from like, I had a crush to like he texted me to. Now we haven’t texted in weeks. And he’s my soulmate. Like that, to me feels like a little bit of a leap. But it doesn’t mean that it can’t possibly happen. So even if you haven’t had any new texts from him, I would just ask you and what are you doing? What actions are you taking to express interest to him? And before you do that, you just have to ask yourself, how will this impact my relationship with my closest girlfriend if I’m dating his brother? Because that might be weird. That might not be okay for her.

 

Unknown Speaker  34:10  

Okay.

 

Damona  34:11  

You might have to ask yourself how that might impact your relationship with your closest girlfriend if you’re dating her younger brother. Because you don’t know what impact that might have. And this is your You said your closest girlfriend You didn’t even just say like some girl I used to hang out with this is your closest girlfriend. Is it worth that risk and I have seen family relationships blossom into introducing people to their lifelong partners. So this could absolutely work. But I feel like you need to play this out a little bit with your friend before you start going down that road. But it might require because you are older. You are his sister’s best friend. To me, that sounds like a huge risk for him to even bridge that conversation. So you might need to push things along a little bit more if you want something to happen, but I would tread lightly am and make sure that it’s really what you want. And that it’s the, it’s the, it’s the next best step. And I would definitely be careful with any kind of grand statements about the one or alone forever because there’s a whole range of possibilities out there for you in between those two things. Okay, this one comes to us from Instagram. This listener found me on the Drew Barrymore show, she says, girl, do I have stories for you? What I want to touch on? Is cell phone etiquette on dates. Do you leave them in your car? Do they? Do you bring them with you? Now men have them attached to their wrists, and they go off at the most inappropriate time. I say leave them in the car. I’m old school. When you’re on a date, you need nothing to distract you with that time of that person. This one is from Gigi. So Gigi, I would say, yeah, I’m with you cell phones can really impact the way that you feel on a date. And there’s actually studies on this as well, about even the presence on a cell of a cell phone on a date. Like if you put your phone down on the table, it can make the person across from you feel less, like you’re less trustworthy. It’s so weird. I know that like people like me study these kind of things. But I think that what it indicates is that you’re looking for sort of a way out and that there’s a just there’s maybe another possibility in your phone or that you’re not giving someone your undivided attention. It’s funny, as I was just saying that to you, my phone went off full disclosure. So I’m going to ignore it and put my phone away because you have my undivided attention right now. And I feel like there’s a good way to initiate this conversation. Because if you’re just like, Dude, why are you got your phone on the table? That isn’t going to feel so good for him and not, it’s not going to work out so well for you. But if you say, you know, I really just want to focus on you, I’m actually going to leave my phone in the car, then he might say, Oh, yeah, I would do the same thing. Because it’s so it is so ingrained in our culture, that to leave your phone in the car or like put it away or turn it off. It almost feels like you’re naked, right? It feels like oh, there’s a part of me. And, of course, like I’m a parent, I don’t go anywhere without my phone. Because I’m like, what if somebody calls about my kids. So I don’t know if if you have kids or if he has kids or, or a business or something that needs your attention all the time. But I think it is fair to say for an hour, I’m focusing just on you, and turning the phones off so that we can really connect. I think that’s hot. Okay, our last one, y’all is spicy. This comes to us from Alexander, how do

 

Unknown Speaker  38:10  

you date somebody that is actively involved in the adult film world. And I have to tell you, it’s it’s a huge issue right now in the LGBT community, because a lot of people have had to turn from gogo dancing or Instagram, quote, you know, Instagram modeling, to start their only fans or just for fans platform just to earn some money. A lot of people that swore that they’d never do it are now doing it. And I’m not talking like full blown, you know, poor and I’m talking about, you know, be naked and solo stuff. But a lot of people are now having that conversation in their relationships, because they need to earn money. It’s a great way to make money if you have the body. And you know, and the know how. And so it’s a big issue with a lot of relationships when somebody’s partner is filming content for adult platforms.

 

Damona  39:00  

All right, I know many of you may not be able to relate to dating someone in the adult film industry. But these only fans accounts are only getting more and more popular. We had a question from Christopher a couple weeks ago, about girls on on Tinder using that dating app as their personal promo for their only fans. So this is this is really about security in a relationship and boundaries. It’s really about boundaries. Because when you have a third party that’s involved in your relationship, in this case, all of their fans that see intimate parts of themselves that can create that can create a feeling of lack of trust, or a feeling of betrayal if you don’t have an agreement or understanding around it. So I think you need to talk to your partner about what their boundaries are for their for their fans and what they are saving for just you what is sacred, what is intimate just between the two of you, that your friends that their fans don’t have access to. And that’s really, I think, at the core of figuring out how to move forward when people, other people have access to your partner. And this may show up in different ways for different people. Like, I’m sure there are people listening, whose partners or people they’re dating, are huge on Instagram, and are always doing stories and are always, always wanting to, to, you know, broadcast their life. And that can impact your sense of trust and intimacy, because you don’t know what what is going to be shared publicly. So as our lives are all becoming more, more public, more live streamed more posted about, we do have to have these conversations about boundaries, and what all of that means and how you can build that intimacy and trust between the two of you. Oh, I had so much fun with this episode. I love giving advice. My dear demona episodes are just my favorite. This is episode number 338 of dates and mates. As always, we will put the link to all of the stories we discuss in the show notes. Those are at dates and mates.com. And if you like what we’re doing here, you like this q&a kind of situation. I want to do this with you live I do a weekly live stream QA in my patreon Friends with Benefits group, you can join them for only five bucks@patreon.com slash dates and mates and then you also get insider deals on all my programs. I have something really special coming up for January. I can’t tell you about it yet, but it’s coming soon. You also get access to bonus features library content. And you become a part of making this show available to so many people who need help and love right now. So you can find out more@patreon.com slash dates and mates The link will be in the show notes. And also don’t forget to support our sponsor better help. I won’t say sponsor. Also don’t forget about better help. They are a big partner of the dates and mates podcast and you can get I don’t know what the bonuses but I’ll just say let them know I sent you. There a big partner of the dates and mates podcast and as I said earlier, mental health and dating relationships go hand in hand. So if you need someone to talk to check them out@betterhelp.com slash dates and mates. I am already collecting questions for next month’s dear demona episode. You see how much fun it is when you hear people’s voices like nobody wants to hear me talk and wall to wall this whole podcast. So send me your questions in a voice memo at damona Hoffman on Instagram or you can leave me a voicemail 424-246-6255 I would love to answer your question on the next year Dimona until next week. I wish you happy dating

 

me too super long.

 

Transcribed by https://otter.ai