WHAT DOES YOUR ZODIAC SAY ABOUT YOUR DESTINY?
Carol Allen, from Love Is In the Stars, returns to Dates & Mates to explain exactly how the stars impact your compatibility and destiny in love beyond just your zodiac sign. Carol is an astrologer who steers the love lives of many women based on what is written in the stars.
Damona covers headlines in the Dating Dish: Why is Lori Harvey getting so much hate over her new relationship with Michael B. Jordan and how to get a celebrity to breakup with your partner.
Plus Damona answers listener questions such as how to deal with racism from your dates and can you keep up the chemistry if you can’t meet a match online anytime soon.
Here’s the rundown:
D’S DATING DISH (2:39)
Stop hating on Lori Harvey, y’all
You may have heard that Lori Harvey (IG model, socialite, and Steve Harvey’s step daughter) is officially official with Michael B. Jordan (or Michael Bae Jordan as he is know here at Dates & Mates.)
But why does Lori get so much hate every time she announces a new relationship? Damona has thoughts.
View this post on Instagram
Breakup convos too awkward? Your favorite celeb can do it for you.
It’s divorce month and if you don’t want to deliver the bad news yourself, you can hire a celebrity on Cameo to do it for you. No, Damona does not think you should.
picture courtesy of The New York Times
ZODIAC COMPATIBILITY & LOVE DESTINY (11:00)
You may have heard that love is written in the stars, but for our guest it actually is. Carol Allen is one of our very favorite astrologers here at Dates & Mates and she’s back today to give us an understanding about what zodiac compatibility truly means:
We talked about A LOT:
- What astrological compatibility predicts for your relationship (12:00)
- Back to the basics: what your zodiac sign pre-determines for you (15:30)
- Do soulmates exist? (21:40)
- The five factors of astrological compatibility (24:00)
Don’t miss out on Carol’s personal calendar deal: trust us when we say it is worth every penny!
TECHNICALLY DATING (34:30)
- From Nate – I’m an Asian gay guy living in Canada. And I also have a cat. Recently I met up with a Puerto Rican black gay airline pilot. I thought he was going okay, up until the last moment. Right before he left. He invited me to see him again. then out of nowhere he blurted out by the way way as an Asian person, are you going to eat your cat? I kind of laughed at this uncomfortably and decided that I would only bring it up if he contacted me again. A week later, he texted me saying, hey, puppy, how are you doing? I reply pretty directly that the joke had made me uncomfortable. All I expected was a sorry, from him, so we can move on. But instead, after a brief apology, long messages came flooding in telling me that, oh, he’s a person of color himself, so he can’t be racist. It was just a stupid joke. There’s a cultural discrepancy and what’s appropriate for humor? Was I oversensitive? I never even accused him of being a racist, I only voiced my discomfort. This was really surprising for me, because he knows how it feels to live with racism. The joke was just unnecessary. Besides, I don’t know him like that. He’s not a comedian?
- From Celia – I’ve taken on a nomadic life. Since we’ve been able to work from home since COVID. I’ve been doing online dating and virtual first dates with men in the city of San Francisco, where my work is located. As I know, I will inevitably end up back there. The first virtual dates have all gone really well. The men show follow up interest, however, I’m finding it hard to keep up their interest or momentum, when the opportunity to meet in person is so in flux. Any suggestions?
DATES & MATES DEALS
OkCupid expects 25 million new matches to be made this January – a big increase from last year. Are you missing out? Download OkCupid today!
Get Better Help: real therapy, convenient and affordable. Get started today and enjoy 10% off your first month. BetterHelp.com/datesandmates
The Dating Secret
Last day to register at thedatingsecret.com
WANNA GO MORE IN-DEPTH? FOLLOW ALONG:
Hello, lovers. Welcome to the show. Last week, we got very practical, we talked about COVID safe dating and sexual health and wellness and mental health and it was a very grounded and practical show. Well, today, we’re going to switch it up a little bit, and we’re gonna get a little woowoo. If you will go along for the ride with me. I promise you, it’ll be a great time. Some of you may have heard the phrase love is written in the stars. But for my guest today. It truly is. My dear friend, Carol Allen is coming on to give us the astrological forecast for 2021. And help us understand the true factors of compatibility, according to astrology. And here’s a big hint. It doesn’t relate at all to the horoscopes in the back of your tabloid magazine. I mean, they’re fun, of course, and I do encourage you to read them. But this is going to be very different. But first, I will hit you up with a couple of these sizzlin headlines like why is Lori Harvey catching shade for dating Michael B. Jordan? And should you hire a celebrity to deliver your breakup news? Plus, we have a very unique, dear Dimona, with some very unique questions like how do I handle awkward racist comments for my dates? And how do you keep up the chemistry if you can’t meet an online match anytime soon? All that more on today’s dates and mates. And now let’s kick it off with the dish. These dating dish.
Laurie Harvey has gotten herself into some hot water just for being Instagram official with Michael B. Jordan. You may remember Michael B. Jordan. He’s the of course he’s gosh, he’s been in so many movies, but of course in Black Panther. And in Fruitvale Station, so many things. He’s a catch. Let’s just let’s just put that out there. Like everybody was like, when is Michael B. Jordan going to settle down? We actually years ago did in my Hollywood hookup where I do that I have done this segment where I give matches for celebrities who are single and suggests who they should date. I did do a feature on Michael B. Jordan that was very popular and everybody really wanted their names to be put in the mix. He’s 33. But he has these off the market gals. He is now with Laurie Harvey, who some of you may know, is the stepdaughter of Steve Harvey, I would say daughter he adopted her and you know, his or her data raised her. But anyways, that point aside, they’re together and people are not here for it. I am not loving what I’m seeing in the comments. And here’s how it relates to you. There have been so many people that are coming down on her because she’s been she’s been a link to a lot of other guys like a future for example, who’s also been linked to quite a few other women. And Trey Songz, and Justin combs and his daddy Diddy Combs, you know, I’m talking about, she was also engaged before to a Dutch soccer player three years ago. And she’s 24. So there’s a little bit of an age gap here, which people aren’t really fixated on. They’re just focused on slut shaming her. And I think this is really unfair. I feel like there’s such a double standard. And this Yahoo article, which I’ll link to in the show notes really outlines how we hold women to a different standard in especially if they’re in the public eye. She’s an Instagram influencer. So now that like people see her dating, which is a total normal, totally normal thing for 24 year old to be doing. And not every relationship that she’s in is going to work out for for her whole life. And yet we are, we are judging. We are judging who she’s dating how many people she’s dating, and nobody’s talking about whoever Michael B Jordan’s been dating or like, if there’s a guy that’s been seen with a lot of different women, that is not even a conversation on social media, or you know, in in the press, we need to think about how we are enabling this ideal to continue and how we are continuing to make it okay for men to date around. But women for some reason are slut shamed, and criticized if they are seen with multiple men. And we don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean, I actually think they’re pretty cute together, the age gap was a little bit much, but I’m not going to go too deep into that today. But they seem happy. And I just don’t know why everyone needs to automatically jump in and be like, look at her dating history. I mean, of course, her dad, Steve Harvey has written books about dating, and he doesn’t seem to know very much about what’s happening in her dating life at all. So well, we’ll separate that, because I don’t think like any, any child, I don’t think is taking dating advice from their parents. So she’s definitely not doing it, the Steve Harvey way. But I actually think that that’s a good thing. And I’d love to see people throwing her some love and support for finding love, especially in the midst of this pandemic, rather than trying to take her down or judge her for her associations.
Well, speaking of being judged for our associations, are you associating with anyone on cameo? There is an article in The New York Times that literally blew my mind, it is not very often that articles that come across in the dating dish completely leave me like slack jawed and staring a gape at the computer, but this one has done it because, you know, cameo the the site where you can ask a celebrity to record a specific message for you like, you know, usually it’s a birthday message, or it’s maybe a maybe a gender reveal or something like that. Well, turns out now people are using cameo to do their dirty work for them to have the awkward conversations they don’t want to have, and to break up with their partners for them by a celebrity. I could not even believe this. And I was like, How did this get started? Well, it all began with Bob the drag queen, who you might know from RuPaul drag race. It started as actually a spoof video that Bob the drag queen created as a fake breakup announcement. But people started seeing this and then they got some very Nazi ideas. Then people started hiring celebrities to do prank videos of breakups that weren’t actually breakups or like announcements about my parents divorce or something. And it really caught steam when Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray did seriously one of the cringy videos I’ve ever I’ve ever watched. breaking up with somebody try saying it was a long distance relationship and it wasn’t working. Turns out it was it was a prank. It wasn’t even real. But you know life imitates art art imitates life. It actually created a trend of people actually doing this. And Mark McGrath says in this new york times article that since he did that fake one now he’s actually done 15 real ones in the span of the pandemic. So people are really using this. And it’s actually a category other celebrities are jumping on it like Matthew Perry from friends was like, I’ll do your breakup video. And this is really a thing. But friends, let’s be real, this is a problem. This is a really big problem. While it might be cute and funny to send a cameo to your friend, sending a cameo to your partner is the most cowardly thing that I can think of. And I feel like we have outsourced so many things in this world like we’ve outsourced going to get our groceries, we’ve we’ve outsourced all of these things that we used to do ourselves. And now we’re outsourcing one of the most important conversations that you could ever have with you know, probably one of the most important people in your life in this moment. That’s actually robbing yourself of an opportunity of like each of these difficult conversations you learn from you grow you figure out how to do better in the future. And it’s just a total cop out to to hire a celebrity whether the person will think it’s fun or not, whether they’re a big fan of that celebrity or not, and you think it’ll soften the blow. Let’s just stop this trend. Let’s stop the cameo breakups trend because it’s not doing us any favors and at a time in a pandemic where we really need to connect with one another where we are so disconnected and we are doing so much virtually. See if you could actually do this conversation IRL yourself. Those are the headlines for today. When we come back we will look into the stars to see what is forecasted for 2021 in love, don’t go anywhere. Carol Allen’s coming right up
Alright my Dayton mates friends you are in for a treat. My guest today is a dear friend and an amazing astrologer Carol Allen of love is in the stars. She has coached supermodels, TV stars, English royalty we won’t say who so many people about love and astrology. She’s been featured on tons like hundreds maybe even 1000s of TV shows and and radio shows and podcasts she’s been seen on CBS and extra Dr. Drew’s life changers, brides villas, she was also in an E television special. She’s literally amazing. I’m so excited that she is back for her third appearance on dates and mates. Please help me give big smooches to my guest and friend Carol Allen.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 11:01
Oh my god, I
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 11:02
I love smooches I wish I could be like real life smooches. But soon.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 11:09
I know I wrote Christmas cards this year that said, I just can’t wait to slobber all over you. I said that so much to people
get to spray droplets, madly
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 11:22
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 11:23
from two feet one foot?
Yeah, well, I you know, I adore you. And I adore all the work that you do. And I get your personal success calendar and chart my life based upon it. So I want to bring you back to dates and mates. First, let’s just kind of do reset, because we’ve had, we have a lot of new listeners this year. And I’ve had some Western astrology on the show. But you are cool. You’re a Vedic astrologer. Yeah, tell everybody what that means and what the differences are in astrology.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 12:00
So the kind of practice is from India. And it’s, it’s thought to be the very first system of astrology, what’s amazing is pretty much every great civilization since the dawn of time, has had its own system. So it’s this system from India, and it has a lot of similarity and overlap with the more common Western system we all know with like Aries, Taurus, Gemini. So there’s a lot of overlap, there’s, you know, they give the same qualities to the planets and the same, they use the same 12 house construction to the chart, but they calculate the charts differently. And they have tremendous, tremendous techniques that are specifically phenomenal for relationships. In fact, to this day, if you live in India, 90% of the time, you would have arranged marriage, it’s 90% still have their marriages are arranged. And if you’re a Hindu, they use this system as a tool or technology to ensure that the match will work. So it’s more than just are the families on the same kind of path? Do they make a similar level of income? Blah, blah, blah? It’s like, do they have affinity? Do they have chemistry? Can they have children together? Do they have an aligned destiny for lack of a better way to say it. So the techniques for relationships are astonishing, both for predicting when they will come. And then looking at what is called relationship capacity. Looking at can both people be good partners, and then looking at compatibility, because if it’s not the right time, then it doesn’t matter how much you like each other, something’s going to keep it from working. And if you really, really love each other, but you can’t really blend your lives like you’re on different life paths. Then something’s always gonna get in the way it’s gonna be like trying to drive in a car that’s always getting a flat tire or blowing the fuel ignition or injection system.
Yeah, I know nothing about cars. So cars and sports I yeah, are lost on me. But I get what you’re trying to say. I pat you on the show. I think this is my third time having you on the show. Yes, Carol and I actually did not even know this. So let’s, let’s go here and break down these different elements because I think people you know, they they stand in the grocery line. I mean, back when people went to the grocery store. And they flip through the you know, the horoscopes and little scrolls.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 14:49
Yeah, the little plastic tube. Yeah,
yeah, I remember the scrolls and they are looking at just the western astrology. For The most part, and then they’re all like, what about compatibility and only looking at the sun sign? It’s just one element. But hold on a second, you came through with the, the, the timing way explained that whole element and how that is dictated through astrology is that like, you need somebody’s birth, date and time and you do their chart. How do you correlate that?
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 15:26
Well, so in terms of how two charts come together, ideally, you need both people’s birthday birth time, and birth location. That’s how we construct the chart. That’s it’s the same in any system. So what you’re looking for is essentially the snapshot of the sky, the moment you were born from the place you were born, and that everything essentially freezes in that in those positions in that moment, and, and that is your chart. And that imbues you what it technically is, is this is when you take your first independent breath from your mother, and you are then imprinted, if you will, by the solar system with the frequency of the sun, the moon and the stars. I know that sounds completely hippie dippie and mumbo jumbo. It works. I don’t know why it works. But essentially, this imbues you in Prince you with the truth of what the planets and stars are saying in that moment. And it reveals temperament, talent, timing, what you’ll likely do for a living, what you’ll look like, I mean, if you like your parents, if you’ll have younger siblings, if you’ll be good with dogs or cats, what our meal break. I mean, it’s crazy. It goes on and on and on. Everything in your life is in your chart. And so for relationships, you look at that for things like are you a late bloomer, and early bloomer, passionate, monogamous, polyamorous, kinky vanilla. It’s what
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 17:01
it says someone’s kinky in their chart,
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 17:03
you can see if somebody’s bisexual or
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 17:06
How do you how do you like to them? If they don’t know you’re like, I’m seeing a little bit of pansexuality here in the, in the 10th house or whatever. I
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 17:19
mean, I have had clients before where I have told them to quit trying to be monogamous. And listen, I’m as boring and married and suburban and, you know, personally conservative as it gets, like, I’ve been dealing with the same guy for forever, you know, been married for a million years. I am like a snooze fest, right? Like, anyway, I’ll spare you all how boring I am.
And I don’t agree knowing you personally, but I’ll go along with the story for now.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 17:51
I’m just saying, when I have given readings before where I’ve said to people, look, you are not here to be with one person. You’re not here to be monogamous. Quit trying to be a Boy Scout. And they’ll say is that why I always end up cheating? Is that why I always end up lying? Is that why I always end up like breaking hearts and I’m like, stop it. Find someone who will celebrate that about you support that about you and, and be okay with that lifestyle. Because what’s so beautiful about today is we all get to be who we really are. We don’t have to be who people want us to be anymore. We don’t have to get our Mrs. degree by 23 anymore. I mean, it used to be if you weren’t engaged by senior year of college, you couldn’t leave college right? To keep like, taking on another major getting into a different school. You know? Yeah, it’s so great. What all these options we have now, the limits that are set upon us are really in our own minds, right. So. So yeah, all of that is in the chart. So you look at that, then you look at if you are somebody who wants to marry wants to settle down wants to do kind of that more normal quote unquote, traditional stuff when right so we have seasons and cycles that come and go. And these can be predicted ahead of time. I knew for seven years, the year I was getting married, and I tried so hard Dimona to beat the planets and I’ve had a million clients since do the same thing. They’re like, Surely there’s a workaround? Surely I can speed up the process. Surely I can, like find a side door. Right. And by the time you know, I was six and a half years into the seven years I was like bleeding from everywhere. You know, I couldn’t I couldn’t find the side door. I couldn’t make it work and and boom, like, oh three days into this winning window that had been predicted for me years in advance. There was my husband and so I have coined the term seasons of love and seasons of love. mean us? Sometimes you’re in a block time, where no matter what you do, you can’t get anything going. I mean, I have to say, I’ve learned so much about relationships from this ancient technique like what did ancients consider important in relationships? Well, it’s stuff that still matters, right? So there’s five steps to this technique that are the most important in terms of making your lives work. So it’s, do you feel respected and cherished, right? Do your communities and lives support your union? Or is Jeff like an evil mother in law? Right? Like, it is something always coming between you, right? Is one of you always sick? Is one of you always getting a job in another city? Right? That shows Isn’t that crazy? Do you have the ability to move forward as a couple? Or is it as though you take a couple of steps, and then you fall back, right, or just as the car gets going down the street, or down the road? You get a flat tire, like we were saying earlier right? Now, these five steps have nothing to do with love. They have to do with Can you join your lives? And this is what’s been so interesting Dimona, and where I’ve learned so much in my coaching that I do, because there you know, we think when we really love someone, or when we meet somebody, we have that spark, we have that affinity and we feel that wow, we think that means this is who I’m meant for. And you know, I traffic in the world of fate and destiny. So people who come to me tend to believe in things like somebody meant for them or someone isn’t right.
The s word the soulmates word
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 21:49
Yes. You know, I don’t have a problem with the soulmates word. I have a problem with the twin flame term.
Well, just soulmate in the in the sense of people looking for one possible match, which I believe is not, I think there are a lot of possible matches, but the quest for that one match,
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 22:08
right? You love people single To me, the word soulmate means there’s like a knowing and a deeper Yes, than just the chemistry is great. Or they have the right job. Or they’re tall enough, right? over their boobs are big enough, or whatever your criteria, right. And I wish I was kidding. But anyway,
I’ve been doing this a long time. And I hear the same thing. So I’m with you. 100%. Of
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 22:35
I mean, I’m learning the chart, though.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 22:38
Well, but they are. Oh, but I’ll be with you. I’ll be sitting next to a woman who I think is so deep and soulful and wise and has great values and has her head on straight. Right. And we’re looking at a guy’s profile. She’s like, I don’t like his shirt. Oh, his hair? Ah, what is he? What is he doing that dog? And I’m like, Are you kidding me?
Sometimes focused on the wrong things or Yeah, you know, I I think of it also is looking for reasons to say no, as opposed to reasons to say yes. So I won’t dwell on that. Because I really want
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 23:14
to waste time, right? But this technique, yes, back to what the ancients said, right. So you want to have affinity, you want to be able to join your lives, you want your community, your families, your jobs, everything to support your union, you want to be able to feel respected and cherished. And then there’s even a step in this five step part of the technique that are the most important that has to do can you sleep with the person or are you totally anxious, and you literally can’t sleep? Or you literally you Your, your body cannot feel at ease. And this can go wrong three different ways. You can either get into like total analysis paralysis with the person where you cannot quiet the mind. The mind just spins with the person. Oh, yeah. Oh, God, we’ve all had 10 of those. Yes. You’re so sensitive with the person. They look at you with anything less than 100% approval and you’re devastated. Right? Or they say something that you perceive as criticism, and you’re like, you have to go to bed for a week, right? So some relationships complete. We throw off our confidence and we blame ourselves, right? We think I should be stronger than that. Or I should be more you know, confident than that. But it’s literally like the energy of how they influence you. It’s in the chart. It’s crazy. And then the third way it can show up is some relationships make us so angry, like they trigger a primal part of us where we cannot stop bickering. We cannot keep the peace. And I’ll say to clients, ooh, did you fight like crazy with this one and they’ll say I cannot believe the fights. We had. Don’t fight with anyone. And with that one, I could not help myself. It’s why
I’ve had that as well. And now like having the opposite where my husband and I never fight, yeah, like, I almost cannot believe that I am the same person in this relationship as who was in these other relationships. And I’m so glad that you said that other part too, about, like what that person brings up in you. And then how, how you process it because I literally just got a message from someone in one of my group programs on that very thing. And I think this is something that a lot of people have to face as they are dating, online dating and meeting a ton of people, you are going to meet those people who are you’re going to fall for and then it’s not going to, it’s not going to land for them in the same way. And it’s so important not to internalize it. But it’s so hard not to internalize it and make it an extrapolate other meaning about you know, who you are in a relationship or what it means about your chance of success and love.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 26:04
Well, we want to feel like we have some semblance of control over the most important thing in our lives. Right? And and I love that people want to take personal responsibility, you’re always going to come out way ahead. In the end, if you genuinely tried to take personal responsibility for the success of everything in your life. And there’s a point with which you’re not in charge, and you’re not in control. And if somebody always throws you off always makes you neurotic always makes you jealous always makes you take everything too hard. Maybe it’s not you, maybe it’s the energy between the two of you. And so find that better person like you did to Mona I love that
I didn’t know it was out there. I also have to admit that like I didn’t know that this alternative way of living existed at the time that I was in the stew of that other relationship or even just my my own stuff from a series of relationships that didn’t work out. So I think it’s really important for people to hear that I love how you’re breaking all this down and the the factors of compatibility. But I know there’s a lot of people listening right now that are like, but Carol, Carol Allen, what about me? How can I know what’s in the stars for me and my love life? Right write about the personal success calendar and Oh, cool. Why that works so well. Because damn girl,
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 27:32
you know things. Oh, you’re so cute. Well, so the best idea I ever had, like literally ever. I had in like 1999 I had in my own chart, I have a week every month that’s like, awesome, where everything goes great. And everything I want comes through. And then I have a week where it’s the opposite. So I got so I started tracking this because I found if I plan something really important on my like week, it was always disappointing. And if I planted on my good week, it was always great. So then I started figuring this out for clients. And then I started so give them special days throughout the year. Well then I thought well, I need to give them a way to look this up quickly. So I started making calendars with like stickers with different symbols that have different meanings. Pretty soon they were so popular. I was up till three in the morning, like every night making sticker calculators and I was like there’s got to be a better
way school mom life. Well, and
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 28:36
I get very ditzy and blonde, I hate to say and I would do the wrong and I’d have to undo them and do more. I mean, it’s just dumb. So I got thankfully, Big Brain friends to create some software for me and I and I ever since I’ve been selling what I call the personal success calendar and what it does, it’s essentially your horoscope every day in symbols for a 13 month period in honor of my grandfather who had a bakery, it’s a baker’s dozen, right. And it can starter and any month you want and so there’s symbols for love symbols for money symbols for career symbols for hell symbols for communication, symbols for anger, etc. And you can plan it’s a daily planning tool, and it doesn’t use just your sun sign it uses your whole chart and they freakin work.
We’re gonna put a link in the show notes and it’s like this is my special little link so Carol knows you came from me. Maybe I get like a couple bucks. So just want to acknowledge everybody acknowledge that but honestly I do use it myself. So I’m recommending this not just because I think Carol is awesome and amazing but also because I do use it and I know it will help everybody like chart out. You know when to have their dates and everything else but you also code People on love beyond that.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 30:03
So technique that we were just discussing, I have a nine to 11 page report that tells them are they in analysis paralysis with somebody do they always get a flat tire as soon as they start getting somewhere? Do they have a dynamic where they can’t respect each other, they can’t cherish each other. And then you know, the technique goes on to say there’s three steps that are the most special. So there’s like these little literal soulmate connections, your favorite word, right? Where you feel something really magical with someone and. And it can be either like attraction or a sense of deeper purpose and meaning with them in your life. Or it can be you’ve never wanted to do something for someone so much. So you’re happy to just please this person and make sacrifices for this person and give to them. And and these connections. Without them. You can have a really functional relationship, but it won’t have that magic. So, so the report shows all of that. And that’s all it loves in the stars.com, too. So Carol, thank you. Thank you. This was so much fun. God bless everybody. Happy New Year.
That is Carol Allen of love is in the starz.com. Get yourself that personal success calendar, y’all seriously, check the show notes for my special link. And that will give you an unbelievable deal. If you get it before January 20. Because she’s having a fire sale, y’all, it’s on fire, she is dropping the price down from 124 97 to 3997. I’m not a math person, but I can tell you that that’s a super good deal. And I know that this is the biggest selling thing. In her whole catalog. She has tons of other stuff. But you know, it’s January, get yourself that personal success calendar. And it’ll be tailored just for you. So everything we were talking about, about the trends and the forecast for 2021. This is going to help you a lot more because it’s really specific to your birth time, your birthplace and your specific chart. Just to make it easy, I created a special link for you, you can go to damona hoffman.com slash my calendar. And that will take you there or you can just go ahead to the show notes and click through and get yourself your personal success calendar at the super great deal through January 20. We are coming right back with some juicy and thought provoking questions in deer demona. Welcome back for our dear demona segment before I jump into these really amazing questions for this week, I did want to just remind you that registration is still open for the dating Secret Circle. This is a totally new program. I’ve never done it before. But it’s really going to be like a mind body spirit exploration. And I want to give you the tools so that you can ride the ups and downs of dating right now, of course we talk about dating apps, I talk about that all the time. Of course we talk about how to meet people through other ways. Of course, we talk about dating skills and how to build them. But also I wanted to do a program that created a community of people who are going through the exact same thing that you’re going through right now. And an opportunity for me to support you to support you on an emotional level, and give you some of the tools that I use to keep my mindset positive. And to to visualize the future that I want to live in. So if you want to join me for that program, it starts on Wednesday, January 20. It starts tomorrow, and I don’t want you to miss it. And we will be recording all of the sessions. So if you miss any of them, if you look at the if you look at the program page and you’re like damona I want to do it but I can’t do that day. Don’t worry, we will record them and you can do the exercises in your own time. So again, that registration page is the dating secret.com starts tomorrow. I’d love to have you in the group and I’d love to support you through this peak dating season. Okay, moving on. It’s time to answer your questions. You know what time it is.
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 34:28
damona helped me.
Alright, we have a fun voice memo that came to us from one of our listeners.
Nate (Caller) 34:36
Hello demona Happy New Year. My name is Nate, an Asian gay guy living in Canada. And I also have a cat. Recently I met up with a Puerto Rican black gay airline pilot. I thought he was going okay, up until the last moment. Right before he left. He invited me to see him again. then out of nowhere he blurted out by the way way as an Asian person, are you going to eat your cat? I kind of laughed at this uncomfortably and decided that I would only bring it up if he contacted me again. A week later, he texted me saying, hey, puppy, how are you doing? I reply pretty directly that the joke had made me uncomfortable. All I expected was a sorry, from him, so we can move on. But instead, after a brief apology, long messages came flooding in telling me that, oh, he’s a person of color himself, so he can’t be racist. It was just a stupid joke. There’s a cultural discrepancy and what’s appropriate for humor? Was I oversensitive? I never even accused him of being a racist, I only voiced my discomfort. This was really surprising for me, because he knows how it feels to live with racism. The joke was just unnecessary. Besides, I don’t know him like that. He’s not a comedian,
who this is heavy. This is a complicated question. And I have to start First of all, with I am so impressed that you are in a place where you want to learn from this experience. I think that is exactly the way that we should all be moving through dating right now. attaining always as what can I take? What is the learning here? What is the takeaway? What can I leave behind, that’s not my stuff. And a lot of the love that you said, is not your stuff. It is his stuff. And I just don’t want you for one second to second guess what, what you were feeling. Because what he said was hurtful to you. And what I want to encourage everyone to do is to be to be really brave. And to be really clear in speaking up, if someone puts you in an uncomfortable situation, for any reason, whether it’s an uncomfortable sexual situation, or whether it’s an uncomfortable situation, because of your race, what he said to you is absolutely not acceptable. It is absolutely hurtful to anyone. And, you know, racial reckoning aside, it’s, it’s terribly offensive. And sometimes I feel like we get up on our high horse. And we’re like, lalala, I can’t hear you because Wait, I’m a person of color. Or, you know, him saying that he’s an anti racist. And so if he’s fighting prejudice he couldn’t possibly be be guilty of making you feel uncomfortable or putting you in a situation where make where you feel singled out, or criticized because of your race. That is not fair. That and, and we all can do better. And I’m saying this as a person of color, who also thinks of myself as an anti racist, I’m an anti by being an anti racist. What I do is I try to listen. And when I try to, when I’ve said something that is offensive to someone else, I try to understand where the offense was corrected, if I can, and, and learn just like you are doing from that experience. And I understand like, for him, it does seem like he is in a lot of pain, it does seem like he has had a hard time navigating through through life, maybe through the pandemic through his own
Carol Allen, Love is in the Stars 38:39
being racist to him because of his background. And I’m not diminishing that in any way. That is all part of what we bring to the table. But I’m also not going to sit by and let him treat you and do that way or make you second guess, speaking up what you did was super brave. That takes a lot of courage to tell someone that they have offended you and even to try to go back and forth overtax, because I know a lot of people will just cut that person off after the first offense, but you really tried to expand the circle, bring him inside, and give him a chance to learn from the discomfort he created. And he responded with defensiveness, with an unwillingness to see the misstep, and by dumping his own pain on you. So I’m sorry that that happened. And the best advice that I can give you right now is to not let that adds up to something bigger, to maybe see this moment as a triumph for you that you did speak up and you spoke your truth and even though that person wasn’t ready to hear it right now, maybe you planted a seed that he’s still thinking about that he needs to that he needs to address. Or maybe you showed him how he needs to show up when in a future relationship, someone speaks to him in a manner that makes him feel uncomfortable. So if you can just let that be the moment and let that stand on its own, without then then making it mean something else about how you are in a relationship, or how someone else might be. Because sometimes when this happens, we get fear, right? We think what if this happens again? Or what if, what if someone else is thinking these racist things, and they’re dating me, and they’re not saying it. But that only locks us into a corner. And I do encourage you to continue to have these kind of conversations. I know, it’s weird to have these conversations at all. But let alone in dating situations or you know, even just in in new situations, when you’re just getting to know someone, it’s really awkward, but it is important, it’s it’s vitally important that we have these conversations, and that you continue to stand in in your courage, and stand in clarity about your own racial identity. And what any of these comments mean to you, and keep going forth with competence that you will find love. And you’ll find somebody who appreciates everything that you bring to the table, all of the rich cultural experiences that you can share with them, whether they’re of your culture or not. And, you know, continue to be to be competent, that love will find its way to you.
Our second question comes to us from a listener named Celia. She says I’ve taken on a nomadic life. Since we’ve been able to work from home since COVID. I’ve been doing online dating and virtual first dates with men in the city of San Francisco, where my work is located. As I know, I will inevitably end up back there. The first virtual dates have all gone really well. The men show follow up interest, however, I’m finding it hard to keep up their interest or momentum, when the opportunity to meet in person is so in flux. Any suggestions? Thank you, Celia, for your question. This is really tricky. And this is one of the reasons why I’ve always said, you have to get offline and into the real world as quickly as possible. But, you know, the pandemic threw a wrench in our plans in all of our plans. So I’m having to adapt that system, because I know it’s not really possible and like, kudos to you for living the nomadic life. And going out and, and experiencing the world. Like, I think for a lot of us fear came up when the pandemic arrived, and it made us, you know, shut in and locked down. But, you know, assuming you’re doing it safely, I know, a few people that have gotten RVs. And, and, and gone on the road, and you know, you’re quarantining and wearing masks and doing okay, I’m not gonna, I’m not gonna Dr. Fauci, you, you know what you’re supposed to be doing. But you know, it’s just great that you’re able to use this time to, to go out and explore. So, you know, this is maybe one of those situations where it could be a tough dating season for you. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to date. Instead of thinking of the future like, well, I’m going to end up in San Francisco. Let me just go ahead and park my profile there. What if you opened up and said, well, I’ve never thought of this before. But could I fall in love with somebody that didn’t live where I live? And there, there’s a chance we could be in this virtual work from home environment in many of our businesses, for even another six months or a year? Could you have a beautiful romance develop in that time that maybe is not your forever person, or maybe changes the path of your of your destiny and where you end up? I have had many clients that ended up moving for love. So if you are if you are brave enough to go on this nomadic journey, maybe see what happens if you date in a totally different way, and expand the boundaries there and see what happens or who else might be out there. That didn’t even answer your question, Celia, your question was how to keep up the interest in momentum. I’m going to give you now my very, my very basic practical answer. The best way to build up the momentum is to not get into the texting trap where you get into like, the boring like how is your day? Hey, beautiful kind of messages, because those tend to jumps jump you into existing relationship status, even though you’ve actually never met, and they really suck the energy out and make it feel less exciting because there’s less anticipation and passion building, I would also plan some really cool virtual dates, there are so many things that you can do now, that are not the same zoom, same zoom, you can do. You can do virtual theater experiences, you can do virtual escape rooms, you can do virtual game night, really looked for ways to build anticipation, because that’s ultimately what you’re missing. in building the momentum, you don’t have that big event to look up to the next time we see each other or that cool restaurant we’re going to go to, or that place where we’re going to go dancing. So you have to fabricate that you have to create that. If you want the anticipation to build and you also have to, you have to sort of pull back on the in between date communication, so that you can save it up for the date. Because if you’re texting every day, then it’s just gonna feel like oh, well, what’s so special about seeing her over video chat, because I’ve already been talking to her this whole time. And you know, you might also want to like amp up the sexiness on the virtual dates, if that’s something that you’re interested in working up to as well, that certainly could build some anticipation. Who it’s getting a little hot. I’m gonna leave it there. Thank you to everyone who submitted questions. We have a few more questions in queue. So if yours didn’t get answered this week, please keep listening. And again, you can always DM me your questions, and I love to get voice memos. You. You see how wonderful it was to hear a voice memo of our first question. So you can send them to me at damona Hoffman on Instagram, or you can email me demona at damona Hoffman with a little voice memo that you take on your phone, or I’m just going to give you all the ways to make it super easy. You can leave me a voicemail 424-246-6255 Don’t worry, it’s not like my personal phone that I’m going to pick up in the middle of the night. That’s my work number for voicemails. So leave me your voicemail, and then we can use your voice memo on a future episode. This is Episode 344 updates and mates. I’d love for you to get on Carol’s newsletter at Love is in the stars.com her her writing is so juicy and she always covers what’s in the news and what to expect. It’s really, really awesome. And if you’re really wanting to know what’s in the stars for you and your love life, get your personal success calendar. It is tailored just for you based on your birth date. The link is in the show notes or you can go to damona hoffman.com. Slash my calendar. Before you go just want to make sure you’re subscribed to the show right? Yeah. And you’ve shared this episode with a friend or your boy you’ve shared an episode with the runner you’ll share this episode with a friend right when this is over. Great. And I haven’t read your five star review on air yet so maybe you should leave me one and then I can tell everybody how much I love you and how much you love this show. Next week we are going to be talking about dry January and sober curious dating which is a term that is new to me. I had never heard of sober curious if you are maybe sober curious, then join me and the dating expert from match Rachel de alto for that conversation. Until next week. I wish you happy dating