New love is exciting and so it’s not surprising to find yourself a little love drunk at times. But similar to a situation where you’ve had a martini-too-many, we don’t tend to think straight in these moments.
So, HOW do you prepare yourself for those moments of intense attraction? You make a plan AHEAD of time. Without a plan, you’ll likely find yourself stuck in one of the five dating loops. Could be the mindset loop or the sourcing loop….
Whatever it may be holding you back, it’s time to overcome procrastination, acknowledge anxiety as your superpower, and learn to let go of the outcome.
That’s why we’ve got author and licensed psychotherapist, Britt Frank, joining us today. She will be talking about her new book, The Science of Stuck: Breaking Through Inertia to Find Your Path Forward.
DATING DISH (1:50)
Supporting women’s rights is a top priority for female daters:
We’re coming in hot with some new data from the desk of the OkCupid blog! In light of the 50th anniversary of Roe V. Wade last week, OkCupid decided to take a look at how reproductive rights have changed the dating landscape thus far and what’s to come. According to the stats:
✅ About 87% of women on OKCupid are pro-choice
✅ About half of women on OKCupid say a difference in opinion on abortion would make them rethink dating someone
✅ 69% of women feel they should have legal decision making power in abortion matters
✅ 4 in 10 women would move out of their state if abortion became illegal in their state
Damona illustrates how this data reveals that we are currently in a sex recession, and the (albeit obvious) reasons why we should ALL be making women’s rights a top priority.
BRITT FRANK (8:18)
Britt Frank is a clinician, educator and trauma specialist. She speaks and writes widely about the mental health myths that keep us stuck and stressed.
Her new book The Science of Stuck: Breaking Through Inertia to Find Your Path Forward is available NOW.
(9:00) The book on adulting you never had.
We all bring our life experiences with us through adulthood as a sort of guide. But what if those life experiences don’t really paint a full or realistic picture? Britt goes into her inspiration behind writing “The Science of Stuck,” sharing how she basically wanted to write a book that acted as the manual on adulthood she never had – from drug addiction to relationship messiness.
Bottom line: you are not broken! There is always a reason for why we do what we do, and “The Science of Stuck” is Britt’s step towards helping people figure out their “why.”
(14:00) You need a plan to find your man!
We all know the definition of insanity, right? It’s doing the same things the same way and expecting different results. So if we want to do something differently, we have to say yes to different things. For instance, Britt says that we should be saying yes to creating a dating plan. She continues, “I jumped into the dating pool knowing I wanted to feel these things, but having absolutely no concept [of how to get there]. And a lot of the shenanigans of the dating world can be largely reduced by coming up with a plan.”
Britt also explains the chemistry around when our brain “goes into Spring Break mode” (aka feeling love drunk).
(19:37) Your anxiety can be your superpower.
Along with all the usual trials and tribulations of dating, dating anxiety feels like it’s at an all time high. Well Britt is here to spill some major truth tea – that having anxiety isn’t a bad thing. “Anxiety feels awful, but it is not the problem. It’s a signal pointing towards the problem. Figure out what your anxiety is trying to tell you… because anxiety is either preventing you from something, or it’s helping you feel bonded to other people.”
Damona also shares how her relationship with her anxiety transformed once she began her relationship with her husband, Seth…
(24:35) A healthy relationship won’t feel like the movies…
Britt and Damona shed light on the misconception that drama or tension in a relationship means that it’s alive. Because much to the dismay of some rom-coms, relationships are usually more of a slow burn. Britt affirms that “the pace of authentic love is always slow and steady, because how do you build trust? Through consistency over time.”
Damona points out that instagram contributes a lot to these “shoulds” about what a relationship should look like – that we should be feeling incessant butterflies and consistently infatuated. So how can we reprogram our brains to let these things go? Britt shares her take.
(28:45) We want to get from stuck, to GO.
Ah yes, the feeling of being stuck in singlehood. Many of us have experienced this phase, but had no idea about how to get unstuck or move forward. Britt breaks down how procrastination plays a role in us feeling stuck, and clarifies the two most common types of procrastination. (Hint: Britt states that “the procrastination spell is broken the second you say yes to anything of any size in any direction.”)
Britt has one of the best damn psychologist Instagrams on the planet – you’d better be following her @BrittFrank and grab a copy of her new book The Science of Stuck: Breaking Through Inertia to Find Your Path Forward.
DEAR DAMONA (32:38)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Email from Bren – I am 60 years old and new to online dating after divorce. The biggest question for me is as a medical professional, I am hesitant to put that I am a doctor on profiles due to fear of predatory practices on dating sites. It’s a tough issue, because, of course, I’m proud of what I do, and being a professional woman, but very very hesitant to put it out there that I’m a doctor. I think my main concern is those targeting women who are professionals (presumed to have money) for financial schemes. I feel like if I do not say that I am a doctor, that might weed out those looking to take advantage of a woman based on their perception that she has money. Am I being paranoid? What’s your advice on being completely transparent about your profession in a dating profile?
Beyond Breakups & Therapy Tok
So a headline recently crossed Damona’s desk that there is a spike in breakups right after Valentine’s Day. It’s unfortunate when a relationship comes to an end, especially when it’s one you thought might last forever. But, sometimes, it’s necessary.
Values change. Sometimes people grow apart or sometimes you realize it’s just not a fit. It’s a difficult part of the dating journey. But it’s also an opportunity, a chance to reset and realign with your needs and your values.
And that’s why we’ve got award-winning divorce attorney and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After, Renée Bauer, here to talk about new beginnings.
DATING DISH (1:50)
How therapy speak took over dating (and what to do about it):
At this point we’re all familiar that dating comes with its own dictionary and buzzwords (Damona’s made an entire TV segment about it on Access Daily with Mario and Kitt). But a recent New York Times article did a deep dive into the psychological terms that have wedged themselves into the dating lexicon – and phrases like love bombing, gaslighting and trauma bonding are only the start.
One of the takes from this article is how therapy lingo and even mentions of therapy can be used by daters to distinguish themselves to prospective matches, or even filter out matches. AKA saying that you go to therapy in your profile can indicate if you and a prospective match are aligned in cultural reference points and the way you see the world.
But the biggest lesson we can learn is the way in which using psychology terms like “toxic” and “narcissist” can go off the rails if we’re not careful. After all, not everyone ranting about their toxic ex on TikTok is a professional. Damona explains how we can avoid this trap.
RENÉE BAUER (7:43)
Renée Bauer is an award-winning divorce attorney, published author, and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After. Her upcoming summit, She Who Wins, runs April 28-29th and focuses on both personal development and business strategy.
(8:07) How to know when a relationship is *over* over.
Damona asks Renée how we can know when a relationship is truly over? Well according to Renée, this straightforward question has a straightforward answer. “How do you know? Usually my answer is, you already do.”
Renée continues that “what happens is we start to listen to our head, we start to crowdsource from people we love who are so well intentioned and who want the best for us. But they don’t know what’s going on inside that house or inside that relationship.” At the end of the day, where you stand with your partner will become much clearer when you turn off your fears of being alone, financial burden, and the unknown. Choose to trust yourself.
Based on her experience as a renowned divorce attorney, Renée also names the signs of a truly healthy relationship (hint: it has to do with conflict).
(14:15) Doubt about debt…
Many of Damona’s clients and participants in The Dating Accelerator Program often mention debt as their number one worry surrounding a potential partner. Everyone seems to want to know – how can I even bring up the subject of debt when getting to know someone?
Renée proposes taking a practical approach – ask open ended questions like, “How do you feel about having debt? What’s your relationship with money like? Are you more of a spender or a saver?” Also keep an eye out for behaviors that suggest they’re uncomfortable talking about money (i.e. avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, changing the subject).
But – try to refrain from judgment until you know the whole story. People make mistakes and having debt isn’t always a straightforward reason to assume someone is irresponsible with money.
(18:36) After dating & before marriage.
Damona brings up the moving-in-together stage of relationships, and how often couples decide to cohabitate before asking the necessary questions that would prep them for this shift. Renée hops in with the steps she recommends taking before moving in together, one of these steps being to draw up a contract (whether legal or nonprofessional).
The importance of establishing terms of cohabitation also increases when pets and/or kids are involved. “Whether it’s in writing or not, I think the important piece is having those conversations and having clarity around them. Not just in passing, not just over dinner.
(23:22) “Treat marriage like it’s a business.”
Treat your marriage like it’s a business… huh? Renée breaks down that looking at your marriage as a partnership to be protected, although somewhat unromantic, is one of the best ways to strengthen it. For instance, Renée suggests having “state of the union” meetings with your spouse every month. She mentions that “money is probably one of the most common reasons that people get divorced.” So sitting down, talking about whatever’s happening in the marriage, and looking at the numbers in your finances will help keep you and your partner on the same page, and keep tension from building over time.
Renée also details her own experience of dating while being twice-divorced, and how owning your divorce story will release you from any shame you think it carries.
Be sure to follow Renée on Instagram @MsReneeBauer and learn more about the She Who Wins Summit at SheWhoWins.com.
DEAR DAMONA (31:30)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Drew Love: Are soulmates real?
In celebration of the spring issue of Drew Magazine, Drew welcomes back Damona, along with Ross Mathews and his husband Dr. Wellinthon García-Mathews, to honor the theme of love. Damona also shares a great hack for navigate love’s trials and tribulations.
Watch the full DBS segment here!
(P.S. Did we mention that Damona got a FULL SPREAD in this edition of Drew Magazine?? She breaks down how she met her husband, Seth, and how a career in television casting ultimately led her to her career in love.)
Drew Barrymore’s Valentine’s Special!
If you know Drew Barrymore, then you know that she LOVES love. So, of course there was going to be an extra special episode on Valentine’s Day! Drew brings together the ultimate dream team to answer the audience’s dating dilemmas – our lady of the hour Damona Hoffman, dating coach Matthew Hussey, Rayna & Ashley of the Girls Gotta Eat Podcast, and renowned sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
They talked about everything from “big d*ck energy” to pre-screening your dates (AKA online sleuthing). But one topic in particular got some buzz – is it okay to sleep in separate beds if you’re in a happy relationship? Damona and the gang weigh in below…
Drew Love: “Triad” Throuples
If we take a glance at the dating scene today, it’s clear that we have more opportunity than ever to create our own dating destiny. There is also more of a framework nowadays for us to co-create romantic relationships that are a fit for our specific needs.
For instance, many couples have explored the benefits of open relationships and I’m sure we’ve all heard the term “throuple” before. But have you ever heard of a triad throuple (AKA “trouple”)? Damona joins this episode of The Drew Barrymore show to teach Drew a thing or two about the types of throuple relationships.
Damona breaks it all down HERE!
The Ick & Second Chance Scenario
Okay, we’ve all been there. The date is going well, you’re thinking there may be a future here, and then they do that thing – maybe it’s talking with their mouth full or revealing they don’t like dessert. Say what?! Whatever it is, it’s like a switch, an instant turnoff; it’s the ick!
It’s okay, it’s part of the dating journey. You are going to meet people who aren’t a great fit for you along the way. Hopefully you can learn from them, laugh and move on.
And that’s why we have authors, Anna Burtt and Kitty Winks, here to talk about their new book, The Little Book of Ick. They’ll also be breaking down how you can actually use icks to your advantage.
DATING DISH (1:55)
Some daters say Instagram helps them date more ‘organically’:
NBC News recently covered a study by YPulse, a youth research firm, sharing that 40% of Gen Zers met their partners through social media while 29% met their partners through dating apps.
According to the article, Gen Zers say they want to date more “organically” and that meeting through mutual followers or shared communities on social media platforms like Instagram allows them to do this. They add that it’s also easier to vet their matches because they get a deeper look into their lives.
More than half also “feel more comfortable being vulnerable online and over text than in person.” Damona brings up the Online Disinhibition Effect, meaning that we feel more comfortable to share personal info and vulnerable feelings when your dating app gives you that veil of anonymity. So that raises the question – is it better to be starting communication in a space where you have no inhibitions before you’ve even met the other person?
But if we ARE going to shoot our shot and slide into the DMs, Damona shares some of her top tips on how to do so in Nick Viall’s episode of Dates & Mates.
We want you to have a dating profile that magnetizes the right dates to you. And that’s why for a limited time only, you can get Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit HERE – this includes prompts and profile templates to help you write a winning profile, & a short tutorial video on how to choose the best dating profile photos.
KITTY WINKS & ANNA BURTT (15:40)
Anna Burt is the host of the podcast The Brighton Book Club, and Kitty Winks has been featured in Mashable and Stylist Magazine. Together they are now co-authors of “The Little Book of Ick.”
(16:10) First of all, what the heck is an ick?
Kitty jumps right into it, defining the “ick” as “when you’re dating someone and they do something completely inane and innocuous on the face of it. And then from that moment forward, they’re completely physically repulsive to you. You can’t get past it.” And although there are some obvious universal ones (like being rude to waitstaff), the ick doesn’t show up the same way for everyone. Kitty also adds her take that “the ick is a physical manifestation of something that is already subconsciously there.”
Damona mentions how many people ask her if something is a red flag or not. Anna goes on to explain the differences between red flags and icks.
(21:50) The pyramid of icks.
Damona, Kitty and Anna deliberate the different levels of icks, from frivolous to f**ked up. Some of the icks that come up in The Little Book of Ick are cutting up your food into small pieces, some calling themselves a producer, or ordering a mocha latte (Kitty says “order a coffee or a hot chocolate, just make a decision”). Anna and Kitty also reveal their biggest icks, and Kitty shares the ick she employs to help herself get over her exes.
Although writing The Little Book of Ick has caused Kitty and Anna to see potential icks everywhere they look, they tell us to keep in mind that “no one should take some sides of dating too seriously. It just goes to show how kind of vacuous we all are. And you know, anything can kind of trigger an ick. And there’s no shame in that. I don’t think there’s any shame in being picky.”
You can follow Anna Burtt on Instagram @btnbookclub and Kitty Winks on Instagram @KitWinks. And be sure to snag a copy of their book, The Little Book of Ick.
DEAR DAMONA (34:25)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from M – Dear Damona – Hi, love your show! I paid for a subscription on a dating app to see all the men who “like” me, and I was scrolling through and saw a man who ghosted me 5 years ago, in 2017. This man has stood out in my mind because it was genuinely the best first date I’ve ever had, we were both cracking up the whole time. We stayed at the restaurant until they closed, then went to a wine bar and stayed there until it closed too. He had plenty of opportunities to end the date earlier but we ended up spending 6 hours together that night. We kissed a little at the end of the night, and I never heard from him again. I messaged him on the app the next day to thank him for a lovely evening and to follow up on what he had suggested as our second date, but he never responded. I feel a little scorned but I really had a good time with him. Should I give him another chance?
Code-Switching Valentine & Smart Sex
It’s Valentine’s Day and whether you are single, coupled or throupled (check out my IG if you need an explainer on that), we are celebrating LOVEEEEEE today! That’s right, things are about to get steamy.
Here on Dates & Mates, we’re always talking about the first two of the four pillars of long-term compatibility – common goals and shared values. But today, it’s Valentine’s Day so we are going to talk about the other two: trust and communication. Whether you realize it or not, sex and intimacy can be gateways to unlocking those last two pillars.
That’s why we have Damona’s dear friend and Doctor of Human Sexuality, Emily Morse, joining us for a very special Valentine’s Day episode. She will be talking about her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure.”
Disclaimer: This episode is for ALL listeners, single or taken. Boosting your sex IQ will help you if you have a Valentine tonight or not.
And remember that while we put so much emphasis on Valentine’s Day, in the end, it’s just a day! You can choose to recognize it or not the way you wish.
DATING DISH (3:16)
Do you code-switch on dating apps?
The New York Times recently published a deep dive into how people present different variations of themselves across various dating apps. What this article mainly exposed is that with so many dating apps available, a lot of users modulate their personalities from one platform to the next. For example, Hinge encourages leading with details that suggest you’re serious about finding a relationship. But then there are apps like Feeld that are for the ethical non-monogamous community, people who want open relationships, and swingers. So between these apps, you might even use different photos and bios. The NYT even proposes that the likelihood of a match is affected by which app a potential partner discovers you on first.
Damona’s big takeaway? “As a dating coach for 15 years, I would say it is a good idea to have at least a different primary photo on the various apps. But this article talks about people having like whole folders of apps on their phone. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that we are on too many apps right now, folks, I have my clients really focus on one app at a time or kind of cycle into apps… Scale it down and date intentionally.”
Damona is a big fan of dating apps, and we want you to be a fan of dating apps too because they are a tremendous tool. But what is the key to a successful online dating experience? It all comes down to the profile. Check out the Free Profile Starter Kit HERE to revamp your profile today!
EMILY MORSE (14:45)
Doctor of Human Sexuality, Emily Morse, is on a mission to liberate the conversation about sex and pleasure. Emily is the best-selling author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight! and host of the #1 Sexuality podcast on iTunes Sex With Emily.
She has been profiled in The New York Times, Forbes, and The Times of London. And, her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure”, comes out June 13th!
(16:30) Did you know you have a sex IQ?
With her book “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure” coming out in June 2023, Emily shares with us what a Sex IQ is. “We think about our IQ, and then we came out with EQ – emotional intelligence – in the 90s. And then with this book, I really wanted people to feel empowered to be sexually intelligent as well… So in this book, I present the five pillars of becoming sexually intelligent.” In short, being sexually intelligent is more of a holistic approach to understanding your own sex questions.
Emily also covers the pillars of sexual intelligence (HINT: both your mental and physical health contribute to your sexual intelligence).
(21:12) What does great sex look like?
Emily and Damona piece apart what it actually means to have “great sex” – because great sex looks different for everyone. Damona also brings up a question often asked at Dates & Mates, about what to do when your partner and you have different sex drives and how to bridge that gap. Emily explains that in a usual relationship dynamic, there is a high desire partner and a low desire partner. And bridging the gap between your sex drives will involve scheduling your sexcapades ahead of time (which can be completely HOT).
(29:52) Take control of your own arousal.
Trust and communication are some of the keys to having really awesome sex. But in order to have trust and communication in the bedroom, it’s important to know what turns you on and why.
Emily explains that scientists “look at the brainwave patterns of people falling in lust or falling in love, and people on cocaine, and the brainwave patterns are very, very similar. It is a drug and that drug, like everything that comes up, it’s going to have to come down again. So that’s where the work happens.”
Once the honeymoon phase ends and a couple is no longer riding on the fumes of the newness, they will have to consider what they can do to continue to be attracted to each other. “Part of becoming sexually intelligent is self knowledge, that’s another one of the pillars. How well do I know myself? How well do I know in the past? What worked for me and what didn’t? How well do I know what’s going to be a requirement for me to be turned on?”
Be sure to follow Emily on Instagram @SexWithEmily and pre-order her upcoming book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” by visiting sexwithemily.com/book.
DEAR DAMONA FT. EMILY MORSE (35:20)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Too Hot to Handle & Budget Valentines
It’s February, or as we call it here, LOVE MONTH, so it’s time to turn up the heat! We’re going to be talking about temptation, attraction, intimacy, relationship pacing and expectations.
How can you practice slow love if you’ve never done it before? Does having sex on the first date reduce your chances of long-term love? Will waiting for intimacy make it hotter when you finally do the deed?
These are the questions that the cast of Netflix’s Too Hot To Handle, Season 4, contend with. If you haven’t seen the show yet, here’s the deal with Too Hot To Handle. They put 10 gorgeous singles on an island where they wear bikinis, live together, and fight for a chance to win a $200,000 grand prize by… get this… staying celibate.
The show has become so popular that everyone knows the game. So this season, they had to trick the contestants by making them think they were on a raucous hot new reality show called Wild Love. Surprise! Instead of Wild Love, you get to sleep in a bed with someone you’re wild about and you can’t do anything about it.
Too Hot To Handle is full of twists and turns that can actually teach you a thing or two about your dating journey. And that’s why we’ve got two stars of the show – James Pendergrass and Brittan Byrd – joining us today to share their love story and the surprising realizations that they had since the show ended.
DATING DISH (2:42)
Planning your V-Day last minute? Here’s what Americans are buying this Valentine’s Day:
Valentine’s Day has come around once again, lovers! But this round is not without strife – even with the impact of inflation on normal dating (or “infladating”), the National Retail Federation says that Americans will spend around $26 BILLION on Valentine’s Day this year. What are they buying, exactly? 57% are going for candy, 40% for greeting cards, 37% are picking flowers, 32% are choosing an evening out. This is followed by 21% for jewelry, 20% for gift cards, and 19% for clothing.
All these stats are fine and good, but the bottom line is to give your sweetheart a gift that is thoughtful and mindful. (AKA Don’t just throw money at the problem.) Think about the conversations you’ve had with this person and let that inspire your gift-giving. And if you’ve run out of ideas for outings, let us give you some inflation-friendly date ideas for V-Day (because eating out doesn’t have to be the default):
If you’re on the online dating struggle bus, not to worry! We have a FREE resource called The Profile Starter Kit, which you can get your hot little hands on just by clicking here!
JAMES PENDERGRASS/BRITTAN BYRD (11:20)
James Pendergrass and Brittan Byrd were contestants in Season 4 of the Netflix reality show, Too Hot To Handle.
Off-screen, James is a physical therapist, model and basketball enthusiast. Brittan is a model as well (a cover-model to be exact). They’re beautiful but they’re also bright – and they are now officially a couple!
(14:22) PSYCH! You’re on Too Hot To Handle.
With a show like Too Hot To Handle gaining so much traction in so little time, many contestants have caught on early to the twist of the show (AKA you’re not allowed to be physical with other contestants, or money is taken away from the prize fund). So in James and Brittan’s case, they thought they had been cast in a show called “Wild Love.” James and Brittan share what went through their heads when they realized they were in the “sex jail” of reality shows – and how the show’s rules actually further led them to each other.
(Would you ever go on a reality dating show? What about if the show ended up being Too Hot To Handle? Let us know! 👀)
(20:37) The real world vs Reality TV
Damona asks the couple if they feel their relationship would have unfolded the same way if they had met IRL instead of on a TV show. Weirdly enough, James recalls how he and Brittan both lived in Hawaii (about 8 minutes from each other) and never crossed paths. “I think the way we access our relationship through the show compared to if we would have done it before the show, it would have been an entirely different route that I don’t think would have been as successful as it is now.” Brittan also comments how meeting on Too Hot To Handle helped them build a strong foundation that they may not have been able to if meeting in the real world.
Damona also asks for James and Brittan’s honest opinion on whether they recommend the Too Hot To Handle experiment to others…
(24:05) Don’t let the haters get you down.
We all know that to an extent, what we see on reality television is always “reality.” So is the couple actually in a relationship, or are the internet’s claims about faking their love story true? Brittan responds, “Honestly, we know our relationship, we know each other. And many of the experiences we share and the time we spend together are very private, it’s very intimate. And I don’t feel the need to go and share everything on social media like some other couples do.”
Be sure to follow James and Brittan on Instagram – @JamesPendergrass_ and @Brittan_Byrd.
DEAR DAMONA (31:56)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from Marie – Hi Damona! I just turned 30 and feel like at this point, I’m not sure if I want kids due to a few reasons (financial & environmental resources depleting). I’m not sure how much weight to put into this decision so early on when I have a “prove to me that I want kids with you because we will be good at raising them together” outlook. When I’m swiping if I see “don’t want children or unsure” I think oh that’s a positive and if they have “wants kids” selected, I cautiously proceed. I recently went on a first date with this great guy knowing his biggest goal is to have a family and he mentioned it again in person. I tried thanking and releasing after the date, but we found ourselves talking again. So now I feel like I’m in limbo. Would a mindset shift help when swiping?
Getting Unstuck & Profession Confession
New love is exciting and so it’s not surprising to find yourself a little love drunk at times. But similar to a situation where you’ve had a martini-too-many, we don’t tend to think straight in these moments.
So, HOW do you prepare yourself for those moments of intense attraction? You make a plan AHEAD of time. Without a plan, you’ll likely find yourself stuck in one of the five dating loops. Could be the mindset loop or the sourcing loop….
Whatever it may be holding you back, it’s time to overcome procrastination, acknowledge anxiety as your superpower, and learn to let go of the outcome.
That’s why we’ve got author and licensed psychotherapist, Britt Frank, joining us today. She will be talking about her new book, The Science of Stuck: Breaking Through Inertia to Find Your Path Forward.
DATING DISH (1:50)
Supporting women’s rights is a top priority for female daters:
We’re coming in hot with some new data from the desk of the OkCupid blog! In light of the 50th anniversary of Roe V. Wade last week, OkCupid decided to take a look at how reproductive rights have changed the dating landscape thus far and what’s to come. According to the stats:
✅ About 87% of women on OKCupid are pro-choice
✅ About half of women on OKCupid say a difference in opinion on abortion would make them rethink dating someone
✅ 69% of women feel they should have legal decision making power in abortion matters
✅ 4 in 10 women would move out of their state if abortion became illegal in their state
Damona illustrates how this data reveals that we are currently in a sex recession, and the (albeit obvious) reasons why we should ALL be making women’s rights a top priority.
BRITT FRANK (8:18)
Britt Frank is a clinician, educator and trauma specialist. She speaks and writes widely about the mental health myths that keep us stuck and stressed.
Her new book The Science of Stuck: Breaking Through Inertia to Find Your Path Forward is available NOW.
(9:00) The book on adulting you never had.
We all bring our life experiences with us through adulthood as a sort of guide. But what if those life experiences don’t really paint a full or realistic picture? Britt goes into her inspiration behind writing “The Science of Stuck,” sharing how she basically wanted to write a book that acted as the manual on adulthood she never had – from drug addiction to relationship messiness.
Bottom line: you are not broken! There is always a reason for why we do what we do, and “The Science of Stuck” is Britt’s step towards helping people figure out their “why.”
(14:00) You need a plan to find your man!
We all know the definition of insanity, right? It’s doing the same things the same way and expecting different results. So if we want to do something differently, we have to say yes to different things. For instance, Britt says that we should be saying yes to creating a dating plan. She continues, “I jumped into the dating pool knowing I wanted to feel these things, but having absolutely no concept [of how to get there]. And a lot of the shenanigans of the dating world can be largely reduced by coming up with a plan.”
Britt also explains the chemistry around when our brain “goes into Spring Break mode” (aka feeling love drunk).
(19:37) Your anxiety can be your superpower.
Along with all the usual trials and tribulations of dating, dating anxiety feels like it’s at an all time high. Well Britt is here to spill some major truth tea – that having anxiety isn’t a bad thing. “Anxiety feels awful, but it is not the problem. It’s a signal pointing towards the problem. Figure out what your anxiety is trying to tell you… because anxiety is either preventing you from something, or it’s helping you feel bonded to other people.”
Damona also shares how her relationship with her anxiety transformed once she began her relationship with her husband, Seth…
(24:35) A healthy relationship won’t feel like the movies…
Britt and Damona shed light on the misconception that drama or tension in a relationship means that it’s alive. Because much to the dismay of some rom-coms, relationships are usually more of a slow burn. Britt affirms that “the pace of authentic love is always slow and steady, because how do you build trust? Through consistency over time.”
Damona points out that instagram contributes a lot to these “shoulds” about what a relationship should look like – that we should be feeling incessant butterflies and consistently infatuated. So how can we reprogram our brains to let these things go? Britt shares her take.
(28:45) We want to get from stuck, to GO.
Ah yes, the feeling of being stuck in singlehood. Many of us have experienced this phase, but had no idea about how to get unstuck or move forward. Britt breaks down how procrastination plays a role in us feeling stuck, and clarifies the two most common types of procrastination. (Hint: Britt states that “the procrastination spell is broken the second you say yes to anything of any size in any direction.”)
Britt has one of the best damn psychologist Instagrams on the planet – you’d better be following her @BrittFrank and grab a copy of her new book The Science of Stuck: Breaking Through Inertia to Find Your Path Forward.
DEAR DAMONA (32:38)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Email from Bren – I am 60 years old and new to online dating after divorce. The biggest question for me is as a medical professional, I am hesitant to put that I am a doctor on profiles due to fear of predatory practices on dating sites. It’s a tough issue, because, of course, I’m proud of what I do, and being a professional woman, but very very hesitant to put it out there that I’m a doctor. I think my main concern is those targeting women who are professionals (presumed to have money) for financial schemes. I feel like if I do not say that I am a doctor, that might weed out those looking to take advantage of a woman based on their perception that she has money. Am I being paranoid? What’s your advice on being completely transparent about your profession in a dating profile?
Drew’s Love Bug: Audience Dating Dilemmas
The Drew Barrymore Show is back for another edition of Drew Love! From not texting back to talking about exes on a first date, one of the topics that Damona is asked about most are red flags. So it’s fitting that in this segment, Damona and Drew listen to the audience’s dating dilemmas to evaluate the red flags in THEIR dating lives.
See the full segment here…
This Is Supposed to Be Fun & Conflict Styles
Dating is a journey – a process of trial and error, learning, vulnerability, compromise. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile is. The most important thing is that you enjoy yourself along the way.
And that’s why we have certified clinical sexologist and sex & dating coach Myisha Battle joining Damona today. She will be talking about her new book, “It’s Supposed To Be Fun: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.”
DATING DISH (1:34)
Can thinking about your ex improve your relationship?:
It seems logical that thinking about your ex while in a relationship is a bad sign, right? Well Best Life Magazine says this may actually improve your current relationship. A new study in the European Journal of Social Psychology focused on “the potential positive influence” of former romantic partners. Study participants were instructed to reflect on a past relationship, particularly focusing on “nostalgic memories.”
Damona dives deeper into the results of the study, how nostalgia works in our prefrontal cortex, and why we should bring nostalgia into ANY first date scenario.
MYISHA BATTLE (12:05)
Myisha Battle a certified clinical sexologist, sex & dating coach, educator, and speaker. Her work has been featured in national print and online outlets such as the Washington Post, New York Magazine’s The Cut, Refinery29, Oprah Magazine, the San Francisco Chronicle, Playboy, Nylon, and more. Plus, her newest book is called “THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.”
(13:45) “Hooking up” is not the same as dating.
One of the most common thoughts Myisha encounters from her clients is that having fun in dating usually equates to hooking up with your date. As Myisha points out, “I wanted to recognize that a major focus for people dating is to try to gather sexual experiences. But again, I think hooking up – that fun part – is mistaken for like the whole of dating.”
Myisha also goes over what it means to be intentional with your dating life. Plus, how you can identify your sexual values – AKA finding the exact right words to describe what you’re looking for.
(23:47) Are their words and actions aligned?
Damona asks Myisha for clarity on reading between the lines in someone’s dating profile. Like, what does it exactly mean when someone says they’re looking for *blank* but “open to possibilities”?
Myisha brings up that famous Maya Angelou quote – “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time” – and states that people will usually reveal themselves and their true intentions through the dating process. There are times when their words and actions aren’t aligned, and if this happens then that can be a conversation you have with your match.
(29:19) The pros and cons of the “sex buddy.”
There is a whole section in Myisha’s book, This Is Supposed To Be Fun, about the varying ways of having a sex buddy. Damona brings up the point that a sex buddy has the potential to be a bit of a crutch to avoid being more intentional in dating, and Myisha acknowledges that there can be an unhealthy component in hanging on to somebody for too long.
But in her book, Myisha purposefully refers to the sex buddy as a gift in order to destigmatize the judgment around casual relationships. As Myisha puts it, “just because this is a sexual connection, it’s still a connection, it’s an exchange… there’s an energetic exchange I get from you and you get for me, so it’s a relationship of sorts.”
(34:52) How to communicate using S-B-I
SBI – or Situation, Behavior, Impact – is a communication technique that Myisha says she picked up during managerial training in a former life. Basically, you state the situation (i.e. the facts), you name the behavior that you were affected by, and then describe the impact it had on you.
Myisha clarifies that the SBI model is a really helpful framework to filter our emotions through, particularly when pre-breakup thoughts start to creep in. “So it can be a way to start those conversations. And to get into the weeds a little bit with people. No matter how early or late things have been going on, it’s just a good way to organize your thoughts and to be able to give that feedback in a way that feels authentic to you.”
Be sure to follow Myisha on Instagram @myishabattle and check out her book – This Is Supposed to Be Fun: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.
DEAR DAMONA (42:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from Tayba – Dear Damona, love your podcast. You mentioned that there’s 4 key compatibility markers, one of them being conflict resolution. Would you explain the different styles of conflict resolution in one of your episodes, as well as how to identify your own/your date’s style?
ANNOUNCEMENT!
Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time with live session starting WEDNESDAY 1/25. This is your LAST CALL to get Damona’s direct support on developing your dating plan for 2023. Grab one of the last remaining seats today at TheDatingSecret.com
Savage Love & Hookup Hangup
The rules of dating have changed! But you know that. We’ve been shouting it from the rooftop for 10 years now.
While many of our parents and grandparents adhered to strict gender roles, monogamy and a typical relationship timeline (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage), WE are building relationships that suit our lifestyles.
For example, non-monogamy is on the rise! Since last year, there has been a 42% increase in mentions of “ENM” or “ethical non-monogamy” on OkCupid profiles. There has also been an increase in the number of married couples who “Live Apart Together” – folks in committed relationships who live in separate homes. And according to the Census Bureau, the percentage of people in these LAT relationships increased by more than 25 percent between 2000 and 2019.
Based on our inbox, y’all have a lot of questions about how to make your relationship dream a reality (even if it includes a non-traditional arrangement). So we brought in the big dog today – THE Dan Savage is here with us. He’s the host of the Savage Lovecast and the long-running column, Savage Love. Dan will be talking about writing the rules of your own relationship and answering your love questions in a special Dear Damona segment!
DATING DISH (2:56)
If you clap when planes land, your partner might break up with you:
Hold onto your “icks” ladies and gentlemen, we’re about to dive into dating dealbreakers. A study commissioned by the dating site Seeking discovered that out of 2,000 adults, over half (65%) have ended a relationship because of an ick. What is an ick, you ask? It is a specific and possibly non conventional trait that turns someone off (i.e. “they gave me the ick”).
Damona goes over the most prominent icks from the survey – including bad body odor, clapping when your plane lands, and being obsessed with astrology (LOL since Dates & Mates just did a whole episode about astrology). Do you have an ick? 👀
DAN SAVAGE (13:06)
Dan Savage is an American author, media pundit, journalist, and LGBT community activist.
He is the author of “Savage Love,” a sex-advice column, which first appeared in The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly, in 1991. The column is now syndicated across the United States and Canada.
Dan is also the host of the podcast The Savage Lovecast, where he answers your sex questions and talks politics, and the author of multiple books including his most recent one, “Savage Love from A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras.”
(15:54) Dating dinosaurs.
Damona and Dan have many things in common, but the biggest is that they’re both veterans of the professional dating scene for 15+ years. Damona asks Dan what he’s seen as the biggest changes in dating and relationships during his career. Surprisingly, Dan responds that the question – “am I normal?” – is a thing of the past.
(22:21) The non-monogamous spectrum.
Damona brings up an interview that Dan did on the Death, Sex and Money Podcast with Anna Sale, in which Dan brought up the difference between non-monogamy and cheating.
Dan states that monogamy is a spectrum, and that you CAN in fact be cheated on in a non-monogamous relationship (just as you would a monogamous one). He also shares the kinds of feelings you may be having if you’re non-monogamous at heart (and how to have the “I’m non-monogamous” conversation).
Be sure to follow Dan on Instagram @DanSavage and to check out his book “Savage Love from A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras.” You can find his podcast, Savage Lovecast, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.
DEAR DAMONA (33:10)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
ANNOUNCEMENT!
Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time starting the week of January 23rd. If you want to find love in 2023, this is your moment! Want to learn more? Check out the free intro class on Wednesday January 18th at 4pm PT/ 7pm ET. You can sign up for that at DamonaHoffman.com/freeclass
New York Times: Is texting now its own art form?
In the dating world, crafting the perfect message is its own art form.
According to Damona Hoffman, a dating coach based in Los Angeles and New York and a host of the Dates & Mates Podcast, many people get stuck in what she calls “textationships.” Texting has become its own phase of dating, she said, and her program, “The Dating Accelerator,” which costs $1,297 and combines live coaching sessions and video lessons, teaches people how to avoid it.
Ms. Hoffman said it’s not surprising people are struggling. While many people love texting for speed and efficiency, there’s a lot of room for misinterpretation. And asking friends for advice can also open up a can of worms. Though one friend might tell you to delay a response so you don’t seem too eager, another may encourage you to double text someone to show you’re interested. Confusion ensues.
Read more about is affecting communication here…