Look, relationships aren’t one size fits all. We each have unique needs and desires, origin stories and goals. And with so many people out in the world today, there seems to be a match (or two, or three) for everyone out there. That coupled with the fact that relationships are no longer solely a financial commitment means you really can build your own. That’s part of the beauty in dating today, we have choice.
We can choose to be in a monogamous relationship, to be multiamorous OR to be lifelong bachelors and bachelorettes. And of course, there are even lifestyles in between. We get to choose the relationship types that best suit our lifestyles and the futures we have in mind.
Whatever YOU choose, it all comes down to communication. That is what will determine how well you and your partner, or partners, connect and build trust. And that is why we have Dedeker, Emily and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory Podcast, joining us today to talk about how to identify what you need from a conversation, how to use microscripts to manage difficult topics, and how to make repairs after things get heated.
DATING DISH (2:25)
Why has height become such a significant factor in dating?:
If we’re being honest, height has ALWAYS been a significant factor for folks in dating. But this recent article from Glam Magazine helps break down the exact origins of our height biases, how our instinct for survival plays a factor, and how this all plays into our perception of gender roles. Damona further explains why what we’re attracted to doesn’t just “happen.”
MULTIAMORY (16:30)
Jase, Emily, and Dedeker created the Multiamory Podcast in 2014 to raise awareness, provide approachable resources, and combat the stigma faced by people in non-traditional relationships.
Together they have been featured in numerous publications, including NPR, Vice, Huffington Post, Oprah Daily, Cosmopolitan, and Elle. In addition to their national tours, they have presented at the Google campus in Seattle and have been keynote speakers and presenters at numerous conferences.
Their new book “Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships” is out now!
(17:55) Origins of the Multiamory Podcast…
Fun fact: before they launched their podcast exploring relationship archetypes and nonmonogamy, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker were in a relationship quad with another partner.
Although the quad eventually broke up, Jase, Emily and Dedeker decided to launch the Multiamory Podcast. At that time (around 9 years ago), there wasn’t NEARLY as much research about non-monogamy or alternative relationship models out there as there is today.
Dedeker continues that “over time, we started to find that a lot of this advice was about good relationships in general. Whether you’re monogamous, non-monogamous, sometimes even going beyond whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not.”
Jase also dives deeper into how the perception around non-monogamy has shifted over the years, and the biggest misconceptions about this relationship model.
(23:30) The Triforce of Communication
Having researched it so much, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker are ready to share their biggest insights on what makes great communication. Emily starts, “I think it’s really important to be able to look inward at your own history with how you communicate with others. And that’s from your childhood or the way that your parents may have communicated with you, and the ways that may translate to how you communicate with your partner.”
Emily and the gang bring up a concept from their book called the Triforce of Communication and how to use it to gain clarity on what you need from your partner (or another person) in a conversation.
(32:05) Let’s talk about neurodivergence.
Dedeker mentions that when diving deeper into the non-monogamous community, you will find a lot of non-neurotypical people. “Often people who are different flavors of neurodivergent really appreciate clear structure, a clear sense of the rules of engagement for how we’re going to engage in this conversation, for people’s intentions to be very clearly laid out.”
Dedeker then shares her experience with being on the neurodivergent spectrum, specifically dealing with some significant PTSD.
Jase and Dedeker also explain how they worked through their gaps in communication, using something they refer to as personalized “micro-scripts.”
(42:30) What should we keep in mind when establishing boundaries?
Many of us often conflate boundaries with rules or limitations on our partner, but Emily asserts that boundaries are necessary because they allow us to advocate for ourselves in a relationship – “it’s not something you’re doing to punish a partner, but rather something you’re doing to keep yourself safe.” Dedeker adds that the power of boundaries is all about what you can do to change your own behavior, because that’s the thing we have the most control over.
Jase then describes another concept for repairing conflict in their book called “SHOP” and how it works.
Be sure to follow them on Instagram @multiamory_podcast and grab a copy of their new book, Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships, by visiting Multiamory.com/book.
DEAR DAMONA (51:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from S – Hi Damona, I’m trying to get my brother back into the dating pool. After a failed marriage, and 3 kids later, he feels that he won’t ever find love or have a family again. He feels he’s not going to find someone who will want a man with 3 kids. He is also afraid to be used, and that people will only want him for his money. How do I approach this conversation to tell him that love is out there just waiting for him, when he is so down on himself and being negative?
Argument Styles & Dr. Orna Guralnik
It is NO secret that we love television shows about relationships and dating, but one Damona holds particularly dear to her heart is Showtime’s “Couples Therapy.”
If you don’t already know about the show, the documentary TV series is a deep dive into the authentic and visceral experience of weekly therapy where couples confront each other AND themselves. Spicy, but also, incredibly deep. It’s the best.
Leading the sessions for all three seasons is our guest today, Dr. Orna Guralnik! She’ll be sharing how she leads couples to some extraordinary breakthroughs, the best and worst ways to show up in a partnership, and what she has learned along the way.
DATING DISH (2:45)
How to figure out your partner’s “argument style”:
Refinery29 came in clutch with a recent article about how identifying your argument style can help your relationship dynamics in a similar way to knowing your love language, attachment style etc.
The article lays out four common argument styles: Attacking, Defensive, Withdrawing, and Open (AKA the “holy grail” of argument styles).
The author also points out that identifying the feelings or sensations that arise in your body during an argument can be key in directing you towards your argument style. Damona refers to this act of noticing as interoception, and explains how this can help you tune into your intuition and use it to improve your relationship communication.
ORNA GURALNIK (10:10)
Dr Orna Guralnik is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst practicing in New York City. She lectures and publishes on the topics of couples treatment and culture, as well as culture & psychoanalysis.
Her article – “I’m a Couples Therapist. Something New Is Happening in Relationships.” – was featured in the New York Times in May. And, of course, she is the host of the hit Showtime television series, Couples Therapy.
(11:24) How do you get people to reveal themselves?
As a renowned couples therapist, Orna seems to have the magic touch when it comes to helping couples open up. Orna states, “The whole therapeutic profession is based on the idea that if you create space, people will want to walk into it. People want to share space, people want to connect.”
She also mentions that she is listening to the less conscious registers of what is troubling someone. This includes details relating to early family dynamics, personality structure, trauma, attachment styles, and the overall societal issues that affect how a couple is interacting with each other.
(17:30) What are the biggest elements that are shifting for relationships today?
Referencing her infamous article “I’m a Couples Therapist. Something New Is Happening in Relationships,” Damona asks Orna about the biggest elements that are shifting for relationships today. “With the recent social justice movements, we’re all learning what it means to understand ourselves in relation to systemic issues and how these issues are running through us… This helps us understand what’s governing the dynamic of a couple.”
Orna also points out how the consciousness of privilege is shifting the way we look at relationships (and let alone communicate). “When you really understand privilege, how privilege shapes the way we experience the world and how people differ in terms of how much they walk around the world with or without, something really fundamental changes inside you.”
(25:40) We gotta go to the hard, scary places.
As most of us can presume, any type of therapy will only work as much as you are willing to open up and go deep. Damona wonders how one might handle a situation where one partner in a couple is willing to go deeper, but the other isn’t ready? Orna responds, “The person who’s not in pain is out of touch in some way that they’re not well in the relationship, so it’s just a matter of time in how to gain access to that part of the person.”
Orna adds, as the therapist, that there’s a level of “the client is always right” – if she can’t get through to someone, Orna believes she needs to figure out what is being blocked and adjust her approach. But this is always made easier if the client is willing to be as open as she is.
(32:25) Becoming a better partner starts with being yourself.
Damona asks what advice Orna can give to single folks on being a better partner, and her primary advice is to “show up as yourself and not someone else.” She also believes that a good reason to get into a relationship is to expand beyond who you are, not just pull someone into what you already are and know. And if that’s your motivation, then it’s going to get wonderful, complicated, and really interesting.
Orna also shares how you can get motivated to do the hard self-work, and reframe it so it’s not scary (hint: stay curious about yourself).
Be sure to follow Dr. Orna on Instagram @OrnaGuralnik and check out Couples Therapy on Showtime!
DEAR DAMONA (41:00)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Unsure if your question is right for Dates & Mates? Check out our recent all-Dear Damona episode to get a taste of what our listeners are thinking. 📝
The Best Places To Meet Singles This Summer
With the summer in full swing, the season presents an excellent opportunity to get out, mingle, and potentially meet that special someone. And the beauty of summer is that from vibrant city events to outdoor adventures, there’s something for everyone. So grab your sunscreen, put on your most confident smile, and let’s dive into the best places to meet singles this summer:
Embrace the energy of the season, step out of your comfort zone, and approach these opportunities with an open mind and a willingness to connect. Remember, the key is to enjoy yourself and have fun. And who knows, you might just find that special someone while creating cherished memories along the way.
Truths and Myths & Reality Gays
In reality, love is all around us! No, seriously. We see it in shows like Love Is Blind, Married at First Sight, The Bachelor, Too Hot To Handle, and so so so many more.
At Dates & Mates, we are HERE for this reality dating renaissance. (Damona has even hosted some reality dating shows herself). They are both a window into the current landscape of dating and a mirror reflecting many of the same dating experiences that we’ve all been through.
They also give us an opportunity to learn through the contestants’ experiences, and it’s a heck of a lot of fun to watch too. So today, we will be doing an ALL-Dating Dish episode to examine the latest TV trends, some new data, and hot headlines on dating and relationships. And we’ll be joined by one of Damona’s BFF’s and host of Reality Gays, Matt Marr.
DATING DISH FT. MATT MARR (5:05)
Matt is one of the hosts of the mega-hit podcast, Reality Gays. But what some people don’t know is he’s also trained as a psychotherapist, so he knows all about why we do the wacky things we do in love.
Plus, Damona and Matt will be celebrating Pride Month Reality Gays style.
(5:05) Not celebrating Pride Month? Here’s how to be a solid Ally. 🏳️🌈
Although we often focus on the “out and proud” aspects of Pride Month, there is always room for clarity on how to be a great ally. This recent headline about Abbott Elementary star Tyler James Williams is the epitome of how to do just that. After rumors started circulating about his sexuality, Williams stepped in to highlight how overanalyzing someone’s sexuality “contributes to the anxiety a lot of queer and queer questioning people feel when they fear living in their truth.”
Matt and Damona weigh in on Williams’ statement and the importance of coming out on your own terms.
(11:25) Love Is Blind & relationship timelines…
If you watched Love Is Blind Season 3 (one of the shows Matt consistently covers on his podcast), you may remember one of the season’s most controversial couples – Matt and Colleen. The two did get engaged at the end of the season, but decided to prolong moving in together. And after two years of marriage, they’re finally doing it!!!
Damona and Matt recall the couple’s emotional history, and dive deeper into breaking conventional relationship timelines. (Check out Damona’s thoughts on when couples should have the moving-in-together talk…)
(18:00) Once a cheater, always a cheater??
After coming across this article from The Guardian, Damona and Matt shed some light on some controversial relationship myths. Including, should you ever go to bed angry? Can a relationship really survive an affair? Once a cheater, always a cheater? And – *drumroll please* – is it possible to have a good sex life FOREVER?
(26:15) The state of Matt Marr.
Matt spills the tea on his own relationship status, diving into the embrace of his anxious attachment style and how thinking you’re “good with being alone” may actually be a reaction to some inner codependency.
After a rocky relationship that ended in a lot of mistrust, Matt also shares some of the concrete steps he took that helped him learn to trust himself in dating again.
Be sure to follow Matt on Instagram @TheMattMarr and check out Reality Gays wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!
DEAR DAMONA
There is no Dear Damona this week, but you can submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers during a future episode of Date & Mates!
15 Creative Date Ideas To Spice Up Your Dating Life
In the ever-evolving world of dating, finding unique and exciting ways to spend quality time with a date can strengthen your bond and create lasting memories. Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been together for years, trying out fresh and creative date ideas can inject a sense of adventure and excitement into your lives.
So we’ve put a list together of 15 creative date ideas that are sure to inspire romance, engage your curiosity, and create some truly unforgettable moments:
Single on Purpose & Second Date Decision
Going through stretches of singlehood is part of the dating process, but when the stretches run long, we can begin to lose our motivation. We may begin to doubt ourselves or question if we can create the kind of future we had in mind.
But what if we told you that these periods of singlehood were actually your greatest opportunities for growth and discovery? A time to confront your past and emerge into the world with a new perspective.
It might feel counterintuitive, but our guest today and good friend of the show, John Kim (AKA The Angry Therapist), is here to help you see the light. He will be joining Damona to talk about how you can transform being single into a joyous, exciting period of personal growth. Plus he’ll share some of the tips and exercises from his new workbook, 31 Days of Single on Purpose.
DATING DISH (1:45)
Here’s how long it takes most people to decide on a second date:
According to a new survey covered by the New York Post, the average dater knows whether or not they’d like to see someone again at the 19-minute mark of their first date. The article also noted some of the main traits folks pay attention to on a first date (manners, conversation skills, etc), as well as taboo first date topics and the main contributors to the end of a relationship.
As for Damona’s take? Although we may have made up our mind about someone at the 19-minute mark, your best first date should be 1 HOUR LONG. We break it all down on Damona’s blog here…
JOHN KIM (9:10)
John Kim is a Licensed Therapist & Life Coach, best-selling author and the host of The Angry Therapist podcast. His books include It’s Not Me, It’s You; Single On Purpose; I Used To Be A Miserable F*ck and more.
John’s latest book, a workbook, 31 DAYS OF SINGLE ON PURPOSE, is out now!
(11:30) Why a workbook, why now?
Although having written several books, “31 Days of Single On Purpose” is the first workbook John has published. He shares that he always found workbooks kind of cheesy, but what became his main source of inspiration was the aspect of being a community builder, and creating a venue for singles to help each other out using the workbook.
John says that singlehood is the soil most fertile for growth and that finding community or groups of people you resonate with is huge.
(16:30) What does it really mean to be single on purpose?
Inspired by his book of the same name, John recently began a podcast collective called Single On Purpose (check out Damona’s episode here). But what does it really mean to be single on purpose?
After having coached many singles who lost themselves in their relationships, John states “it just means to find yourself first.” So when you build a relationship with yourself, you go into relationships with a foundational sense of self.
Mantras and meditation also play a huge role in John’s definition of being single on purpose. There’s so much power in language, and “if we don’t have an intentional mantra, we return to distorted thinking.”
John continues that being single on purpose isn’t an easy feat, and shares his own struggles with his journey.
(25:10) “I’m not lonely, I’m experiencing loneliness.”
John and Damona dive into one of the hardest aspects of singlehood, which is remembering that everything is temporary. “When you’re single, the big fear is, is this going to be forever?”
John notes it’s important not to internalize your feelings of loneliness as a permanent state of being and instead remember it is a feeling that will pass. Just like Day 23 of his workbook states, remember that your experiences do not define you.
(30:45) How do you know you’re relationship-ready?
The whole concept of being “ready” for dating or a relationship is a slippery slope. Sometimes we may be ready but we don’t know it yet, or we may think we want to get out there but still have some necessary work to do.
John and Damona note that you might realize you’re ready when you meet a certain person, or some people even find “ready” while they’re dating. Of course, it’s all up to your discretion. But Johns says “it’s like having children – at some point you just take the leap.”
Be sure to follow John on Instagram @TheAngryTherapist and grab a copy of 31 Days of Single on Purpose by visiting TheAngryTherapist.com.
DEAR DAMONA (33:45)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from P – Hey Damona, I’m a single mom and have struggled to find love… I thought I found it in my most previous relationship but I was so wrong because I became a mistress and now I keep attracting that. I want my own relationship and I’m wondering if that’s what I’m putting out? I don’t want to jump into the wrong relationship because I have to protect myself and my child.
How Long Should A First Date Be?
If you’re asking, “how long should a first date last,” you have to keep in mind that the dating landscape has evolved and the speed of dating has increased dramatically over the last decade. Now, the concept of the “Dating Power Hour” is more relevant than ever. In today’s fast-paced world, where attention spans are shorter and people are busier than ever, a one-hour first date can be the perfect way to leave your date wanting more.
As Maya Angelou said (and Oprah has adopted as her own), when people show you who they are, believe them. This holds true on a first date. In fact, research suggests that people form impressions about each other within the first few seconds of meeting.
Many singles assume a date is better the longer they stay together. But going to a second location or letting the date drag on can deplete your energy for dating and wear out your first date welcome.
Here are the top 5 reasons why your best first date should only last 1 hour:
So as you venture forth into your dating journey, remember the power of the one-hour first date. It’s an efficient way to determine whether you want to see someone again without investing too much time or emotional energy. Keep it short and simple, stay present, and enjoy the process of meeting new people on your dating journey.
Happy dating!
Language of Love & DM Dating
Are you using all of the available tools to find your match? We know about dating apps. We talked recently about singles parties. And, we’ve even talked about letting your friends set you up. But have you tried flirting on Instagram?
Okay, that last one may feel forward but with so much of our time spent online these days, it actually makes sense. Even still there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it and that’s why my guest today is the perfect person to be joining us. She and her boyfriend have been together for over a YEAR and it all started with a casual DM she sent.
Joy Ofodu is a celebrated voice actor and the host of Dating Unsettled! She will be sharing her IG love story and her top tips for how YOU can use Instagram to find your match.
DATING DISH (1:52)
How to Fall in Love When You Don’t Speak the Same Language:
In this deep dive from the Atlantic, this article author spoke to different couples all around the globe who were in relationships with someone who spoke a different native tongue. Multilingual relationships are more possible today than ever, with translation apps and learning resources like Duolingo. There are also numerous pros, as well as some obvious obstacles, to dating someone who speaks another language.
Damona breaks it down, including the unexpected ways speaking different languages can actually benefit your relationship.
JOY OFODU (9:50)
Joy Ofodu is a Creative Executive and voice actor whose voice can be heard in her partnerships with HBO Max, Adult Swim, Netflix, Refinery 29, Meta, Credit Karma, DIRECTV, Upenndo! and more!
She has drawn over 30M views to her original digital comedy content and countless more to inclusion-centered, global marketing campaigns at Instagram.
Joy is also the host of Dating Unsettled, an audio show designed to validate women daters, available now on all podcast platforms.
(12:50) What’s happening in these dating streets??
Joy breaks down some of the most common missed opportunities in online dating, including how she ended up with her current partner through a spur of the moment direct message. In her words – “I’m gonna make some people mad. Online dating is the best, quickest, most efficient way to find somebody that you are compatible with on multiple fronts that you can actually kind of control.”
(20:50) Leave some room for grace.
We all know ghosting has been kind of rampant in dating culture as of late, but Damona points out that as a result, we are becoming more quick to cut someone off at the first sign of flakiness. Is there room to give people some grace and remember that nobody’s perfect?
Joy points out that someone else’s dating rules or deal breakers will not always work for you, and that’s okay. She gives some other pointers on navigating your own dating journey, most importantly to remember to listen to your intuition.
(25:40) The voice note is our dating superpower.
Being a voice actor herself, Joy is the first to recognize there’s something about the power of the human voice. “I think it kind of simulates what you would be experiencing on the date before you even get there, without giving them a full plate. So it’s a teaser. It’s romantic. It’s exciting.”
(32:20) Hardcore Instagram flirting hacks…
On her own podcast, Joy is all about giving her listeners actionable dating advice. She goes over her top IG flirting hacks, including taking advantage of your Close Friends story and making the most of their newest “status” feature.
Be sure to follow Joy on Instagram @joyofodu and listen to Dating Unsettled wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!
DEAR DAMONA (40:30)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Baby, This is Keke Palmer: Appily Ever After?
Are you tired of constantly swiping left on Bumble? There seems to be a surplus of dating apps, but why is it still so difficult to connect with someone online? We hear all these online dating success stories, but why hasn’t it quite clicked for us yet? Luckily this week, we are joined by dating coach and relationship expert Damona Hoffman who shares her insider tips and tricks for how to find the perfect match online. Plus we hear some hilarious online dating confessions that may make you count your lucky stars, regardless of your relationship status. Seriously, there are clown costumes involved. We can’t make this stuff up. So grab your phone and swipe right on this ep baby! Oh and make sure to invite us to the wedding when our tips help you meet your future love!
Listen to the full episode HERE!
Dear Damona: Rubbish Texter & Dating Racism
We have covered a LOT of topics over the last 5 months – from building your own relationship with columnist and author Dan Savage to the challenges faced in interracial dating with Rachel Lindsey of the Bachelorette.
At this point, we can confidently say that if there is one thing Damona has in common with you all, it’s a thirst for knowledge. And boy, does that manifest in the number of emails, DM’s and voice memos we get from all of you.
But hey, we are NOT complaining! While we love bringing you the most up to date and helpful information on all things dating, our favorite thing is still answering your questions directly. And that’s why we’ve decided to do an all Dear Damona episode today! 🎉
DEAR DAMONA (3:10)
(3:42) Voicemail from Alexis: Hi, Damona. My name is Alexis. So really, I have a big problem with moving past a scarcity mindset. So how do I remain positive that there are people out there, especially considering that I haven’t had much experience in dating? In addition to that, the past three years have been pretty rough with the pandemic. I’m also still figuring out my career. Really what it boils down to is I don’t feel successful enough really to be dating. I want to focus more on my career. But at the same time, I also want to make up for lost time that I spent not dating prior to the pandemic. How can I feel successful enough to feel comfortable dating?
If you want to dive a little deeper on building self-love and confidence, check out Damona’s episode with author and life coach Michelle Elman.
(10:35) Voice Memo from C: What do you do when you’re in the early stages of dating and he seems keen in every other way, except for the fact that he’s a rubbish texter? Now, he is a doctor who works shift work. So I’ve been inclined to give him a little bit of a pass. But we could be having a conversation, he’s texting back, and then all of a sudden it takes him like two or three days to reply, which seems a bit crappy. So what do you do there? Do you just kind of continue to go on the dates but just have lower expectations? Do you keep exploring other options, or do you playfully call him out on it?
This question is a doozy – but if you want more texting tips, Damona did a recent interview with fellow dating coach Blaine Anderson. Damona and Blaine also go into more detail about how to avoid the Texting Trap.
(17:10) Voicemail from B: Hey Damona! I just got back onto Tinder after a breakup a couple months ago, and it’s going pretty well. I had three solid first dates with three different guys this past weekend. And yet, I’m still curious about some of these other guys I’ve matched and had communication with on the app. I live in a huge city with tons of options, which can be obviously a blessing and a curse. So how do you know when to stop looking? And then beyond that, do you just go on second dates with all of these people, assuming that they’re actually into you? And then do you disclose this to them? Is that type of transparency respectful or is it unnecessary?
Getting back on the apps after a hiatus? Then you’ve GOT to download Damona’s Profile Starter Kit – only free for a few more months!!
(23:50) Voice Memo from B: Hi Damona, I have a question. So there’s this guy that I met through Facebook. We follow each other on a couple of different social media platforms. And we flirt and we text back and forth sometimes, but he’s never asked me on a date. So to me, I was kind of thinking I was friendzoned. Well, he just invited me to his 40th birthday party. And now I’m a little bit nervous about going because it would be our first time meeting each other with all of his family and friends there. Do you have any advice? Am I thinking too much into it? So anything you have to say would be helpful.
(28:45) Voicemail from Cautiously Open: Hi Damona! So as a black woman, I have always found beauty in all ethnicities, but have always felt more comfortable with black men. As of late, I’ve been really feeling like maybe I should expand my horizons and be open to dating outside of my race. But the one race that kind of scares me to be in a relationship with is white men. While I’ve met some really nice white men, with everything that has gone on in the political arena in Charlottesville, it has really scared me. To the point where I’m just like, well, what if he’s okay, but his friends or his family are racist? How do I fully open myself up to the idea of being in a relationship with a white man, knowing that there’s a possibility that I would be encountering racist people? I’m open to being with whomever or whatever ethnicity, but that’s the one thing that scares me. I also find that when I’m out, those are the men that look at me. So if white men are finding me attractive, I don’t want to reject them for fear of my assumption. How do you navigate that?
(37:35) Voicemail from Ms. M: Hi Damona, I’m a 43 year old pansexual cisgender female. I spent the last eight months not dating to become very clear about what I want going forward. I listen to Dates & Mates every week and read Myisha Battle’s This Is Supposed To Be Fun. Right now I’m looking for respectful and empathetic folks with aligned values that I can go on fun dates with as well as explore my sexuality with. Ultimately, I would love to find a Shibari partner. For me practicing Shibari means getting to know someone and establishing trust. This will not happen within the first few dates. I don’t want first date sex or hookups, however, I also don’t want a long term relationship. I want a lover I can continue to explore with. How do I convey this in my profile? I found that if I write I like Shibari, my matches tend to take the in-app convo to a very sexual place before meeting IRL. I’ve thanked and released a few of these matches already. Damona, I want to practice slow love and explore my kinks and sexuality. Is this possible? Also can you explain slow love some more? Is sex on date five within three weeks of meeting too fast? I know it’s different for everyone. Thank you so much!
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers live on a future all-Dear Damona, or another episode of Dates & Mates!
The Do’s and Don’ts of Singles Events
It’s no secret we’re a fan of dating apps here at Dates & Mates. But if you’re craving some solid tips on how to date IRL, there are a few do’s and don’ts that will help you make a match the next time you’re at a singles event. Damona was an integral part of launching the Match app’s Stir live singles event series. In the process, Damona did some field research – she observed trends and then asked daters what they were looking for, what their biggest turn-offs were, and what would particularly catch their attention at a mixer.
THE DO’s
THE DON’TS
Navigating the singles mixer is an art that you can hone with each event you attend. So just like going to the gym, when you stay motivated, consistent, and positive, you get the results you’re seeking and master how to date IRL in no time.
Multiamory & Short King Spring
Look, relationships aren’t one size fits all. We each have unique needs and desires, origin stories and goals. And with so many people out in the world today, there seems to be a match (or two, or three) for everyone out there. That coupled with the fact that relationships are no longer solely a financial commitment means you really can build your own. That’s part of the beauty in dating today, we have choice.
We can choose to be in a monogamous relationship, to be multiamorous OR to be lifelong bachelors and bachelorettes. And of course, there are even lifestyles in between. We get to choose the relationship types that best suit our lifestyles and the futures we have in mind.
Whatever YOU choose, it all comes down to communication. That is what will determine how well you and your partner, or partners, connect and build trust. And that is why we have Dedeker, Emily and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory Podcast, joining us today to talk about how to identify what you need from a conversation, how to use microscripts to manage difficult topics, and how to make repairs after things get heated.
DATING DISH (2:25)
Why has height become such a significant factor in dating?:
If we’re being honest, height has ALWAYS been a significant factor for folks in dating. But this recent article from Glam Magazine helps break down the exact origins of our height biases, how our instinct for survival plays a factor, and how this all plays into our perception of gender roles. Damona further explains why what we’re attracted to doesn’t just “happen.”
MULTIAMORY (16:30)
Jase, Emily, and Dedeker created the Multiamory Podcast in 2014 to raise awareness, provide approachable resources, and combat the stigma faced by people in non-traditional relationships.
Together they have been featured in numerous publications, including NPR, Vice, Huffington Post, Oprah Daily, Cosmopolitan, and Elle. In addition to their national tours, they have presented at the Google campus in Seattle and have been keynote speakers and presenters at numerous conferences.
Their new book “Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships” is out now!
(17:55) Origins of the Multiamory Podcast…
Fun fact: before they launched their podcast exploring relationship archetypes and nonmonogamy, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker were in a relationship quad with another partner.
Although the quad eventually broke up, Jase, Emily and Dedeker decided to launch the Multiamory Podcast. At that time (around 9 years ago), there wasn’t NEARLY as much research about non-monogamy or alternative relationship models out there as there is today.
Dedeker continues that “over time, we started to find that a lot of this advice was about good relationships in general. Whether you’re monogamous, non-monogamous, sometimes even going beyond whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not.”
Jase also dives deeper into how the perception around non-monogamy has shifted over the years, and the biggest misconceptions about this relationship model.
(23:30) The Triforce of Communication
Having researched it so much, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker are ready to share their biggest insights on what makes great communication. Emily starts, “I think it’s really important to be able to look inward at your own history with how you communicate with others. And that’s from your childhood or the way that your parents may have communicated with you, and the ways that may translate to how you communicate with your partner.”
Emily and the gang bring up a concept from their book called the Triforce of Communication and how to use it to gain clarity on what you need from your partner (or another person) in a conversation.
(32:05) Let’s talk about neurodivergence.
Dedeker mentions that when diving deeper into the non-monogamous community, you will find a lot of non-neurotypical people. “Often people who are different flavors of neurodivergent really appreciate clear structure, a clear sense of the rules of engagement for how we’re going to engage in this conversation, for people’s intentions to be very clearly laid out.”
Dedeker then shares her experience with being on the neurodivergent spectrum, specifically dealing with some significant PTSD.
Jase and Dedeker also explain how they worked through their gaps in communication, using something they refer to as personalized “micro-scripts.”
(42:30) What should we keep in mind when establishing boundaries?
Many of us often conflate boundaries with rules or limitations on our partner, but Emily asserts that boundaries are necessary because they allow us to advocate for ourselves in a relationship – “it’s not something you’re doing to punish a partner, but rather something you’re doing to keep yourself safe.” Dedeker adds that the power of boundaries is all about what you can do to change your own behavior, because that’s the thing we have the most control over.
Jase then describes another concept for repairing conflict in their book called “SHOP” and how it works.
Be sure to follow them on Instagram @multiamory_podcast and grab a copy of their new book, Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships, by visiting Multiamory.com/book.
DEAR DAMONA (51:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from S – Hi Damona, I’m trying to get my brother back into the dating pool. After a failed marriage, and 3 kids later, he feels that he won’t ever find love or have a family again. He feels he’s not going to find someone who will want a man with 3 kids. He is also afraid to be used, and that people will only want him for his money. How do I approach this conversation to tell him that love is out there just waiting for him, when he is so down on himself and being negative?
RECAP: Outlier Podcast Festival 2023
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