YOUR DATING QUESTIONS ANSWERED
You asked and we got answers for you.
Your dating questions have been pouring in and so our holiday gift to you is an extra detailed, extra special Dear Damona.
But first, here are our headlines:
DATING DISH (3:00)
Opposites Really Do Attract
Do opposites really attract? Or are you following false attractions? Damona weighs in.
Apocalypsing: The New Dating Trend
Is it the apocalypse or are you falling in love? Damona explains more.
Which Sports Get the Most Swipes on Tinder
Sport retailer SportShoes ran a study to find which active hobbies were most likely to receive a swipe right.
DEAR DAMONA (11:04)
Damona gives advice on listener questions such as:
- Can your long-distance relationship go the distance?
- How do I find love if I don’t feel like I fit the norm around me?
- Should you include a picture of yourself in a mask on your dating profile?
- Pandemic Dating Problems: Should you be physically exclusive before being romantically exclusive?
- How do I date now if I feel like my dating options are limited due to the pandemic?
FOLLOW ALONG HERE:
Hello lovers, welcome to dates and mates. I am kicking things off with a hot tip. So get your notebooks ready. The best chance of finding love in 2021 is right around the corner. Dating Sunday is coming up. That’s right. Every year there is one day, one day where all of the dating apps see the most activity, and that is the first Sunday of the year. Then of course, that means that the weeks leading up to February are crucial because if you’re looking for a date for Valentine’s Day, you’re gonna be on these dating apps, you’re gonna be swiping and trying to meet people. So Mark your calendars. I am serious literally mark your calendars for dating Sunday. It’s January 3 this year. And secondary Hot Tip. The peak engagement time will be 9:30pm in your local timezone. I swear I’m not making this up. This is a real thing that happens every single year. And I don’t want you to let your time to find a partner go to waste. And if you want a partner in crime and this dating process, you can join my first ever co Ed dating Secret Circle. Yeah, I’ll be doing live group coaching during the countdown to Valentine’s Day. I must admit that was always the most stressful time of the year for me when I was single. So I really want to offer you emotional support and a roadmap so that you can implement your own dating plan to take advantage of the online dating surge, and have someone special to call your Valentine next year. Early Bird Registration is open now and you can find out the details. Plus read some of my success stories at the dating secret.com. I’ll put the link in the show notes. Now let’s get into the show.
Unknown Speaker 1:47
Are we supposed to get married gonna just
Unknown Speaker 1:49
swipe I don’t want somebody to share my life.
You can keep waiting for the fairy tale. Or you can get on board with the new rules of relationships. If you’ve read my advice in the LA Times, then you know, this ain’t your mama’s love advice. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. All right, lovers, you’ve asked and I will be answering today your questions I’ve been pouring in. And so my holiday gift for you is an extra detailed extra special deer demona episode. But first, you know we love these headlines, we have two opposites really attract? Or are you falling for false attractions? And is the? Is it the apocalypse? Or are you falling in love? Then I’ll answer your questions. And Dear demona, here’s what’s been on your mind. How do you find love when you don’t feel that you fit into the beauty standards around you? And how do you take your long distance online romance to the next level. All that and more on today’s dates and maids it’s time to dish these dating dish. survey says, You know I love a good dating survey. And my friends at elite singles. And one poll came through came through before the end of the year with a survey of 2000 Americans who are dating or in a relationship and ask them, they asked them about the behaviors and factors that form the basis of the compatibility of their partners. What did they find? Well, it says that people with dissimilar taste don’t necessarily have failed relationships. So you know, this idea of opposites may really attract. It said actually these differences might enhance the relationship. Here’s the interesting thing. And of course, we’ll link to the study in the show notes. I was curious about the kind of factors that they were looking at because they examined interests. They also examined habits things like cleaning habits, exercise habits, and even morning and evening routines were singled out as important factors which I would agree with maybe not the exercise habits. Also eating habits they mentioned but definitely cleaning habits. I find that that is definitely a source of frustration in my home sometimes. And even morning evening routines. Honestly, I really think the morning person, even night owl thing is a bigger I honestly think that the morning person night owl debate could be a bigger factor in your relationship than even some values based
qualities quality’s because that is lifestyle. your lifestyle really matters to whether or not you’ll be able to live with this person but Course mutual respect and understanding they said was the top factors cited by respondents as crucial to compatibility. They also said interests and goals for the future, I’m going to take issue with one of those things, you’ve probably heard my four factors of long term compatibility worth repeating, we have some new listeners. So I’ll just remind you, these are the four things you’re looking for in a relationship, you’re looking for common goals for the future, you are looking for shared values, you’re looking for mutual respect, and trust, and you are looking for conflict resolution styles being compatible. That’s it. Those are the four factors of long term compatibility. So you will know that even though 52% of respondents in this survey said that interests were that important to them, they’re actually not that important. And we get so caught up on whether or not they like the same movies that we do or whether or not they play the same games or do the same sports. But ultimately, those are interests that can change over time. And what’s going to happen to your relationship if you are bonded based on a sport for example, there was also a study by a shoe company sports shoes, to find out which active hobbies were most likely to receive a swipe right? They did something that I do not recommend. They created fake Tinder profiles and then tested how people would swipe on them based on the pictures of the activities they’re in. So I would say sorry, sports shoes, that is an epic fail, and just look out for the sports shoe profiles on Tinder. But they said that, for men yoga, weightlifting, cycling, and running were the most matched sports, and for women cycling, running and climbing. But guess what, ultimately, that is not a predictor of long term compatibility. Unless you’re like a professional cyclist. And you are like doing the Tour de France and riding around the country together. It’s not actually that important. And I’ll just reiterate, you’ve probably heard me say this on the show before, but finding someone who shares every hobby with you who can do everything with you, who’s your right hand and everything is not actually the goal. your partner’s your partner, your cycling buddies are your cycling buddies. Find me on one peloton, underscore diva Mona underscore, your running buddies, your climbing buddies that isn’t is not necessarily the role for your partner. If you can do it together, great. But don’t put too much emphasis on it because your interests may change, you may have an injury. And then if you haven’t done the work to figure out the other elements of compatibility, like the values like the goals for the future, you’re going to be standing on thin ice. And that was not a skating reference.
apocalypse thing is a new dating trend that you need to be on the lookout for according to plenty of fish. apocalypse thing is basically treating every relationship like it’s your last chance at love because we’re kind of in the apocalypse. But it’s not really the dating apocalypse. And there is sort of a, there’s a way out on the horizon, there’s a light at the end of the pandemic tunnel. But according to plenty of fish, they’re seeing this trend where people are just like, you go on a couple dates. And the next thing you know, you you jump right into it like it, they’ve known each other for your whole life. And because we are so starved now for outside, outside connection, that we just are jumping right in, like everything has the potential for long term happiness. But remember what I just said about all of those factors that need to be aligned for long term compatibility? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you might be skipping those, and moving right into a relationship out of maybe convenience out of wanting to bubble with somebody, and you don’t necessarily know and you’ll hear this also echoed in some of the questions from today’s dear demona. You don’t necessarily know that this is your forever person, but we’re treating them like they’re your forever person. So a couple of great tips from this article, which I’m sure you’ll check out when you go to the show notes at dates and mates calm is that you need to set your standards especially regarding how you want to be treated and what core values you’d like to share with your future significant other. This is like before you even meet the person, but if you’ve already met them, go ahead and do it now. And then to also write down your deal breakers. Is any of this sounding familiar to anyone has anyone heard this from any dating coach before about planning out what you’re looking for and also having a deal I give you one deal breaker but You know, you can write down all the deal breakers you want, but really drill it down to that core of what is most important to you and let that guide your decisions on who you’re going to be gifting your time to this holiday season and this COVID season. All right, we are going to take a very, very short break. When we come back, I have your answers to your questions. Is there a difference between physical exclusivity and romantic exclusivity? And can introverts and extroverts actually be a good match? And so much more, so don’t go anywhere? Welcome back to dates in May. It’s I have so many questions. I, y’all I am. So I’m so honored that you trust me with your dating advice. We have more questions than we have time to answer. So I promise you, I will continue to keep your answers in queue if your question if your question does not get answered on today’s show, but we have some hot ones. So let’s get this party started. d
Unknown Speaker 11:04
damona, help me.
This first question comes to us from my friend Amani. He’s also a podcaster. And he live streams on twitch at a money experience.
Unknown Speaker 11:15
If you meet someone on like a social media platform, like a twitch or Instagram, and you hit it off, and you’re talking, and they live in a different part of the country, so like say I’m in LA and they might live in like Miami, Florida, how would you be able to date them and actually see them if you’ve gotten to the point where you want to see each other to see if it’s really real.
You know, a lot of people say to me that they don’t like online dating, which means they don’t like dating apps, but then they might get a DM or they might connect with someone like, it sounds like maybe a Mani did on Twitch or on his Instagram. And then suddenly they find themselves in a digital romance. So it can happen to anybody at any time, even if you’ve sworn off dating apps, which in case I haven’t made my point you shouldn’t be doing right now. But anyways, back to a Manny’s question. Long Distance Love is a challenge. So the first thing you always have to do is make sure that once things are heating up, you know, maybe maybe three or four weeks into it, you have a sense of where this could go. It’s not like you’re asking for a marriage proposal after a month. But you can have questions at this point like, do you need to stay in your city for your job or for your family? Or would you ever be open to moving? Or what would it be like I wonder if we were together and I was living in say, Miami, Florida and just dip your toe in those waters first just to see how they react to those things. Because eventually, all long distance relationships, you have to end up in the same place. At some time. I have known a few people who’ve made long term long distance relationships work. But literally those people went back and forth, like twice a month at least. And I don’t know if you’re up for that. So that’s the first thing to figure out. The second thing then is to figure out also compatibility. And you will have to, at some point move offline to figure that out. Okay, I know, we’re in the middle of a global pandemic. So you might not be able to get on a plane right now. But there should be the conversation of how you could come together. So in normal times, I would tell my clients who were dating long distance, and I’ve had many success stories of people who’ve met and married someone outside of their country even. But in all those situations, within about two months, they actually met in person, because you can waste a lot of time, whether it’s somebody that’s across town or somebody that’s across the country, you can waste a ton of time talking to someone doing facetimes all the time, you know, sending pictures back and forth. I’m not saying what kind of pictures I’m just saying pictures. But if you do not have that compatibility in person, you’re wasting your time. Are you hearing me, You’re wasting your time. So you need to move things forward. So when you do do those virtual dates, if you’re in a position like Oh, say everyone is right now in the era of COVID, and you can’t meet face to face yet, make sure you make those FaceTime special. Don’t just like, Oh, well, I’ll call you after work or what have you. You have to make a plan, make a date plan, make it have an activity, you know, give it some depth to it up, give the date some depth and make it something a little bit more meaningful so that you’re deepening the relationship and not just spending time and certainly not wasting time.
My next question comes to us in an email from a woman we’ll call n she says I’m a black woman living in China. I’ve had trouble meeting people because I’m seen as ugly here. I also date women, which is still very taboo. I can’t leave due to work and school. So that’s not an option. I go out and meet people. But again, no one seems attracted to me. What can I do? Here’s the thing, and I want to make sure that you understand that this is a pool problem. So I look at like, Is this an internal problem? When I hear a question like this? Is this something that’s coming on up? Is this a mindset challenge? Is this a process challenge? Or is this a pool challenge? And to me, this is a pool challenge. you’re battling hundreds, if not 1000s, of years of racial bias, and it’s something that you alone cannot take on yourself? Does that mean that you cannot find love in China? Absolutely not. But what it means is that, you have to be very careful not to internalize that, and not to take that on to mean something about yourself. Because I’m sure you are absolutely beautiful, you are not ugly, even if the messages you feel that you’re getting in China are saying that to you. And this is an important message for people. Maybe you’re not in China, but maybe you are in I got this question yesterday on another podcast I was a guest on. She said, What if I live in a small town, and I have a different political stance, and the other people around me are what if I am a different race, and I don’t feel like I fit in here. And I have been through that. I have lived in towns where I didn’t feel like I fit into the standard of beauty in America. And it’s really important that you keep perspective on that. And also remember that it’s not about quantity. It’s about quality. So could you find that one person that appreciates who you are, and sees you for the beautiful person that you are inside and out? Could you find a woman who isn’t as concerned about the taboos of dating that you could form a relationship with? I do think the dating apps are probably going to be your best bet. Because if you are going out and constantly being based with rejection, it’s going to feel more intense. And this was a big shift for me too. When I moved to Los Angeles and found that there were tons of men who were interested in me, they just weren’t necessarily in my circle at that time. So keep the faith and keep positive if you can. And just know that the way that you’re going to make a match may mean going against the grain. But there is somebody out there who will appreciate you for all you are and all you do.
Unknown Speaker 17:53
Hi Dimona. This is Judith, I’m talking to you from Paris. I have one question for you. I was wondering, do you think we should all add a profile picture with a mask wearing a mask on because I see them more and more. And I wonder, why would people do that? And I wonder if I should take a selfie with a mask? What do you think?
Judith? I love this question. I’m really curious also what the mass culture is like in Paris, because here, it’s like a statement whether or not you’re wearing a mask. But I would say I’ve seen this too on my clients dating apps while I’m searching. And I’m not a big fan of the mask in the dating app. I know it does. It’s kind of a double edged sword, it does indicate that you are taking COVID seriously, and you’re going to follow certain precautions while you’re on a date. But at the same time, I want to see your face, I want to see it’s one of the rare opportunities, I’ll have to actually see what you look like. So I think the app is really valuable real estate, every picture you choose tells a story. And I just would hate to use that real estate to show you in a mask when I could see your gorgeous face. But that answers your question of why people would do it. But I don’t know that I would recommend you doing it unless you find in Paris like that is really the culture. I really key off in dating apps, what I see also in the style of that particular app, so it could be the app that you’re on. And if that is the thing to do on that app, then certainly you want to show you’re not an anti masker you’re if you’re a pro masker but it’s not something that I would say is an absolute profile requirement. This question comes to us from Apple on Instagram. She says I’m dating someone I met on Bumble. Yay. Did y’all hear that episode last week, the Bumble success story. Okay, moving on. She says we’ve also been virtually dating other people, but not as seriously. He wants to become physically exclusive, but not romantically yet. I agree we shouldn’t rush into premature couple status. But do you think I should have sex with him until there’s a full commitment? This is a curious question Apple, because I want to know the difference between what is physically exclusive, but not romantically yet. I guess, physically exclusive in the era of COVID. Maybe this is a new category that we can crown because that means that you’re having sex with each other, but you’re not necessarily in a committed relationship. So this is sort of a committed f web since you’re in the same bubble. But I would just ask you, apple, do you want that? Is that what you want? Or do you want something more serious? Do you want a full commitment, because if you want a commitment, you should communicate that to them. And if you want more romance, I think you need to hold him to that standard. Nothing wrong. Of course, if you decide that you do need your physical needs met, and this relationship might not blossom into something more. But it’s tough when you are physical with someone and you haven’t had the conversation about what that means to you. And then you have an expectation that because you’ve done that it’s going to grow into something else. Does that make sense? So it’s all about clarity. It’s all about expressing what you truly want, and making sure that your actions are in alignment with that, because actions as you know, are going to speak louder than words. This email comes to us from a woman named a she says, I’m a 35 year old divorced mom. After my divorce, I was in a car accident that left me with permanent brain damage. How do I put myself out there knowing that I would be relying on my long term partner to bear most of the financial responsibility? First of all, a Wow, thank you for sharing your story with us. And I’m so sorry to hear that happen to you. I’m sure it’s a challenge every day for you to do the things that used to come really easily to you. And it’s something that obviously Yes, does need to be sort of incorporated into your dating strategy. But at the same time, I don’t know that it’s something that you need to limit yourself by or make the assumption that the other person would not be okay with it. And I’ve heard some questions before people with different disabilities
making that assumption as well. So everybody, I think, needs to hear this. One, I don’t know the extent of your brain damage, but it’s possible he might not need to bear the financial responsibility there could there are a lot of ways that you can get creative with making money today. So keep open the possibility that you could find a way to be more financially independent. But secondarily, there are plenty of guys that are okay with bearing the financial responsibility. And it’s not necessarily looked at as a burden, I would look at the other things that you can offer to the relationship besides finances, and really lean into that, can you offer him comfort? can you offer him the feeling of being appreciated? Can you be a maybe be a great parent to his children, there’s so much more than I’m sure you have to offer. So don’t put that pressure on yourself to bring in the financial responsibility piece. And I don’t even really feel like it needs to enter into the conversation very early in the dating process for anyone. I think we put way too much emphasis on somebody’s financial means if you’re a grown up, and you’re taking care of your own finances, and you know, look, whether that is through disability, or other, you know, a settlement or other means, doesn’t matter. As long as your bills are paid. You don’t need anybody else to do that for you. And you don’t need to worry about someone being a drain on your resources or being a drain on somebody else’s. So go out there and just make connections a and I’m sure you will find somebody that appreciates what you’re able to bring to the table. This one comes to us from one of our friends with benefits.
Unknown Speaker 24:35
Good afternoon demona. So I’ve heard your podcast on various episodes, and I’ll actually followed your Facebook group as well. And I believe you give wonderful advice. So my question is, is that the person I’m dating here and I are opposites in that I’m very much an extrovert and he is an introvert And we follow those personalities kind of to the quiet. Well, we had a conversation and turns out that we both ping each other out of each other’s comfort zone, which is I’m sure a good thing. But my question is, is that is it good that we realize that we bring stuff out of each other? A good thing being that we have various personalities? Or do you think being a one person being an introvert and one person being an extrovert is problematic? When you want to become more, more serious in a relationship, especially now in the climate that we’re in? What would be your advice?
Okay, we talked to the top of the show about opposites attracting. Now I’m curious, introvert extrovert? Where does the where do those qualities fit into the grand scheme of values or lifestyle traits? Well, I can tell you that my husband and I are that exact match I am. case you can’t tell very high on the extrovert scale. And he is very high on the introvert scale, if you couldn’t tell from the episode that we did together a few weeks ago. And I think we do bring out the best in one another, we do get each other out of our comfort zones in a good way. And I think that is something that is helpful in a relationship. If you have somebody that really complements your skills, and your sensitivities. As long as they don’t see that as a problem or see that as an issue. I think it’s a great thing. And there have been times where I dated extroverts. And it didn’t work all that well, because somebody has to do the listening, and one of us is always talking, namely me. So I think if you’re in a relationship with somebody that makes you your best self, that can only be a good thing. By the way, that listener is actually in our Patreon Friends with Benefits group as well. So if you you heard the Facebook group that she referenced, is my patreon Fw B’s page. And I love to invite you inside that group too. You can join for just five email@example.com slash dates and mates will also put the link to that in the show notes. This question comes to us from a listener named Susan, she says I started online dating three years ago and I thought I met my person. We talked about marriage after two years of dating, but then he had to recover from a financial setback. After that, he said that he is comfortable in his current situation, and didn’t intend to remarry anytime soon. I’m considering returning to online dating but I’m so apprehensive because I don’t enjoy this method of meeting people. But because of COVID options are limited. Help exclamation point. Oh, Susan, Susan, other there’s so much here that I want to unpack for you, first of all, men. And hello to the guys listening. I’m going to talk about you for a minute. Because of our culture, men are really conditioned to need to feel that they can provide before they’re ready to move into a marriage situation, and especially if he is divorced. Sounds like you said remarry. So he was divorced. Plus, he had a financial setback. He’s feeling very insecure with his financial situation right now. And I have to let you know, it doesn’t actually have anything to do with you. It has to do with his own feelings of worth, because society has told him that he is not good enough if he doesn’t have the financial means to take care of himself and potentially also a partner. So that might be hurt. So after three years, that might be hard to hear. Because the situation isn’t going to change probably until his financial situation changes. And he may have internalized this for so long, that it may not be possible to turn it around even after he’s able to get on his feet financially. So that leaves you
that so that leaves you with the decision, Susan, you can stay in the relationship as it is without it necessarily moving towards marriage. And then you’d have to do some soul searching about what the importance of marriage is to you and whether you could stay in a relationship with somebody with a commitment that doesn’t look like the traditional marriage commitment. Or Yes, you could move on. Now honey, we got to talk about this. I don’t like the method of online dating to meet People, because one, it is the most popular way of meeting someone. And you are living proof, Susan, you met a three year relationship from dating apps. So I would say it’s working for you, you just have to remember that the app is just the connector. It’s just the way that you connect. And then once you get offline, which theoretically is within a couple of weeks, then it’s going to just unfold like another relationship you met in any other situation. And yes, because of COVID options are limited. So I’m glad you got that message. But I really want to help you embrace the apps as something that is positive, because it’s bringing so many options to you, there are so many more options for women and men, but particularly for women today, because of dating apps, there are so many women that were 40 5060 that just were out of the dating game, if they got divorced, or they they got they got broken up with after three years, they would just be like, well, I guess this is my life. Now I guess I’m going to just commit myself to my cats, and my kids and my grandkids. And that is not the case today. So let’s just see if we can flip our thinking and say, this is a situation, this is the number one way to meet people now. How can I make this tool work for me? For those of you who are also feeling maybe a little down on dating apps, or just a lot a little down on dating in general, today, in the era of COVID, I really want to support you, I strongly encourage you to check out my new dating Secret Circle, I want to invite you inside the circle, I want to give you more of my inside advice. I want to support you through this so that you can find a way I just had a client say after doing one of my last programs that she feels so much more positive about dating, more positive about men. And so this is an opportunity, I’m extending my hand to you and saying Please come inside the circle. Let me take care of you. Let me show you the way to do this. And we can all move into stronger relationships next year. And we can navigate this pandemic, it doesn’t have to be the end of love. So check that out at the dating secret.com. That’s for Susan and anyone listening who wants into the circle. It’s a co Ed circle this time, first time ever, and it begins in mid January. So get yourself into the group and get that early bird pricing which is happening. Right now we’ll put the link in the show notes. I hope you enjoyed Episode 341 of dates and mates. As always, if you want to learn more about those dating dish, as always, we’ll put the link to those dating dish stories we discussed in the show, recap at dates and mates.com. And you also have the option to join me in the Facebook friends with benefits Patreon group. And that’s just five bucks at dates and mates. And that’s just five firstname.lastname@example.org slash dates and mates. Hit me up on all the socials. I’m at damona Hoffman and we are already collecting questions for next month’s dear demona episode, you see how fun it was when people recorded a voice memo and you could actually hear their voices. I want to hear your voice too. So you can DM me? Or you can send me a voice memo at demona at damona hoffman.com. And please do let me know.
Unknown Speaker 33:33
I want to say let me know how you can.
And please do tell a friend about the show. We are trying to heal more hearts and get people on track for love in 2021. So do me a favor, share this episode with someone who needs to hear one of these messages. And we have to put in a call like this is the end of the season. Basically our end of the this is the last official episode of 2020. Who y’all we made it We made it to the end, I have a special bonus that’s going to be dropping. Next week. Get excited. It will be a short little snack that’ll tie you over until we are back in January. And in case you missed the memo, Tuesdays, that’s the new dates and mates day. So look out for a new episode Tuesday, January 5. And in the meantime, get yourself online for dating Sunday. So Tuesday January 5 will be the next official episode of dates in mates. I have an awesome guest, Mark groves, who’s going to be talking about healing from breakups. Moving on, and starting off the new year on the right foot. I can’t wait to share that episode with you. Hey, make sure you’re subscribed so you don’t miss it. So you know when dates and made starts on Tuesdays you’re not looking for that episode on Monday. Go on what happened? It’s gonna land right in your in your podcast feed Tuesday morning. If you’re subscribed I wish you all the best for this holiday season. Hang in there more coming your way and 2021 until then, I wish you happy dating