Tag Archive for: trust

ChatGPT & Dating, Decoded

As Damona has been posting more dating advice on Instagram, we’ve been reading through the comments (as one does). And some folks are wondering, “Why should I take my dating advice from Damona? She’s a married lady, yet she’s offering online dating advice.” Which made us realize that many new listeners don’t know Damona’s background!

So here’s why Damona should be your go-to gal for dating advice:

  • Damona has over 15 years of experience in online dating and offline dating.
  • As a professional dating coach, she wrote her first online dating profile for a client in 2004 – so she’s been in the game for a minute.
  • Damona became certified as a dating coach in 2013, consequently the same year she launched the Dates & Mates Podcast.
  • She’s collaborated with all of the major dating apps, including Match.com, JDate, Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and now OKCupid as their Official Dating Coach and spokesperson.
  • Damona loves staying on top of all of the latest trends and tips on dating, both offline and online.

If that doesn’t convince you to listen to the rest of the show, we don’t know what will. Maybe it’ll be our guest for today, Hannah Orenstein. She’s the deputy editor of lifestyle and wellness at Bustle, and she has her finger on the pulse of modern dating trends. So she is the perfect person to help us decode the new rules of dating.

DATING DISH (3:00)

Will ChatGPT take over online dating?

Our friends at CNET published a captivating article this week, asking what happens when ChatGPT gets a hold of your online dating profile. To get you up to speed, ChatGPT is an artificial intelligence chat bot that can assist you with basic writing tasks. So Erin, the author of the article, decided to conduct an experiment in which she asked ChatGPT to write witty responses to classic dating profile prompts. For example, Erin gave the prompt “write a 500-character dating app bio for a woman who likes music, books and houseplants.” ChatGPT responded: “Music lover, bookworm, and proud plant parent… Seeking someone who shares my passions and is ready to join me on spontaneous adventures, cozy nights in, and trips to the local nursery… Bonus points if you have a green thumb!”

Damona dives into the ethics of using ChatGPT, the question of misrepresentation, and how ChatGPT is going to revolutionize online dating and communication.

(Funnily enough, ChatGPT’s response to Erin’s prompt above is almost the same as one of the prompts in Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit. 😂)

HANNAH ORENSTEIN (15:30)

Hannah Orenstein is the Deputy Editor of Lifestyle and Wellness at Bustle, where she covers dating, relationships, and sex, among other topics. 

Previously, she was the Senior Dating Editor at Elite Daily, where she still writes her advice column “Dating, Decoded.” She’s also the author of four novels; her most recent book, MEANT TO BE MINE, was praised by Vogue, Cosmo, BuzzFeed, USA Today, and more. 

(18:30) Am I normal?

After having written a dating and relationship advice column for so many years, Hannah says the most common theme within the questions she’s received is: am I normal? Although Hannah describes that one of the most scandalous messages she received was about a reader who had slept with her boyfriend’s best friend, and her struggle with what to do. Another reader had also messaged Hannah asking about how to feel comfortable in her own skin, after having gained weight and having her hair fall out.

Hannah shares a story on how she went about addressing such a layered question, while giving her thoughts on defining “self care.”

 (26:40) Dear Damona/Dear Hannah…

Hannah points out that many of the singles writing in to Dating Decoded are in college or in their early twenties. And when you’re trying to figure out dating for the first time, having an advice columnist to give it to you straight can be a really comforting thing. “I don’t know their lives. But I think sometimes you do need somebody from the outside to say, ‘hey, you seem okay, I think you could be doing better.’”

So if you’re in a relationship, what are the signs that it may be feeling like it’s stagnating? Number one, it’s a pretty clear sign if you write into an advice column for help. Number two? “Anytime you are dwelling on something or ruminating on it, and you just can’t get it off your mind, I think that’s a sign that maybe something is worth examining or worth being curious about there. Because if everything was totally hunky dory, you wouldn’t be obsessing about it all the time.”

Be sure to follow Hannah on Instagram @HannaHorens and check out her monthly advice column, “Dating, Decoded” featured in Elite Daily.

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:35)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listener asked about this week:

  • Email from Heidi – Hi, I’m a widow and I’m new to dating sites. I made a friend recently and he is so complementary that it makes me nervous and a little uncomfortable. Is this a red flag?

Dating Up & Toxic Relationship Fix

Finding love is a journey and as you date, you are bound to encounter some people who are not good for you. But with the right mindset and approach, you can find and maintain a healthy, loving relationship.

It all starts with awareness and the ability to identify narcissism and toxic behavior in your matches. Don’t worry though, these behaviors are not as common as the TherapyTok trend might have you think. Even still, they exist and can cause you tremendous pain.

And that is why I have licensed psychotherapist, Sherry Gaba, and certified Life and Dating & Relationship Coach, Carla Romo, here today. They will be talking about how to avoid toxic relationships, trust your gut and find and keep healthy love. 

DATING DISH (2:05)

Is “dating up” really a bad thing?:

A recent article from Essence Magazine dove into the details of “dating up” when looking for a life partner – i.e. dating someone who has access to more resources than you. The article begins by calling back to a trend around getting your “MRS Degree” (AKA a woman going to college to pursue a man with the potential to be rich or successful in the future). The article continues by dropping some stats in support of dating up regarding the gender pay gap.

Well, you KNOW Damona has some thoughts to share – one being that “dating up” puts too much of a focus on dating someone above your status, versus someone who could be your equal. And what qualities really connote someone being at a higher level than you? If you are so fixated on dating someone above your level, at least be sure you’re asking yourself if it’s really something you want, or if this is a story that was told to you about what a secure partner should be.

THE LOVE FIX (10:32)

Sherry Gaba is a licensed psychotherapist, life coach, author and co-host of the podcast, The Love Fix. Sherry has appeared on Vh1’s Celebrity Rehab, CNN, Inside Edition, Access Live, and E! News. She has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Women’s World, the LA Times, the New York Post, Zoosk, Psychology Today and other leading publications.

Carla Romo is a certified Life and Dating & Relationship Coach, author of “Contagious Love” and co-hosts The Love Fix podcast with Sherry. She has been featured on or partnered with Simon Business School, Milwaukee Bucks, BRAVO, Bumble, Lifetime, and Bustle.

(12:25) Toxic red flags (and have we heard them all)?

Being a hot topic on their own podcast, The Love Fix, Damona asks Carla and Sherry for their take on the signs of toxic behavior. Carla states that oversharing can be a red flag (less in a vulnerable way, more in the let-me-dump-my-childhood-trauma-on-you kind of way). She also points out that it’s good to look for consistency in their behavior, AKA if they’re telling you one thing but their actions are communicating another.

But contrary to what a lot of people feel about dating culture and the individuals on dating apps, Carla doesn’t think the majority of people are toxic. Sherry then covers what she learned in her training about the cycle of abuse.

(24:00) Healthy doesn’t always feel like attraction…

Damona shares that in her dating journey (before meeting Seth, of course), she really has to deprogram what she defined as a healthy relationship – “I find that for a lot of people, when they’re used to that sort of chaotic relationship, a healthy relationship can feel like nothing’s happening.” Sherry continues that if you grew up with a certain amount of trauma, your nervous system experienced a lot of activation which can create a lack of regulation.

Carla adds how she advises her clients to go on a second date, even if the first date felt boring. “Go on that second date, go on the third date, just get to know people. And you don’t have to define if you’re going to marry this person. Like, the point of dating is that you need to go on multiple dates.” Sherry also gives us some of the indications of healthy conflict vs. toxic conflict

(32:35) Wholeness is in your body.

Damona mentions how employing our intuition can be a really useful tool in being able to suss out the signs of toxicity. But if we’ve been in abusive relationships in the past, we’ve often been taught not to trust our intuition, let alone ourselves. Sherry states that part of this is how trauma shows up in the body: “If you haven’t worked through your early trauma, and it’s still lodged in your body, you’re going to be responding from that place, instead of the place you need to be responding from – a wholeness.”

Sherry states that you can discharge that trauma using processes like EMDR or doing somatic work with a trauma therapist. And if being able to afford this kind of treatment feels like a financial stretch, Sherry and Carla share their tips on finding resources.



Be sure to follow Sherry and Carla on Instagram @TheLoveFixPodcast and listen to their podcast, The Love Fix, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.

 

DEAR DAMONA (42:04)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from R – What do you think about putting your HSV+ status on your dating profile to weed out anyone that isn’t in alignment with you???

Selfish Romantic & Audio Attraction

Do you struggle with setting boundaries in a relationship? Do you feel guilty for putting yourself first? Well, what if we told you that prioritizing yourself was actually a key to dating success?

Today we are going to redefine the word “selfish” and explore how being “selfish” is actually an essential part of self-love and self-care. We’ll explore practical ways to prioritize ourselves in romantic relationships, how to set healthy boundaries, and why it’s crucial to avoid losing ourselves in the pursuit of love.

And we will do it all with the help of five-board accredited body confidence coach, author, and speaker, Michelle Elman. She will be joining Damona today to talk about her latest book, “The Selfish Romantic: How to Date Without Feeling Bad About Yourself.” 

DATING DISH (1:51)

The dos and don’ts of Hinge audio notes:

If you’ve been in the dating app scene recently then you know about Hinge’s audio prompts, which the app introduced in November 2021. Although the option for audio prompts didn’t revolutionize the way we swipe, hearing someone’s voice on their profile can become a key piece to whether you’re attracted to someone or not. And it limits the amount of information you share which can be important in the early phases of dating when it doesn’t take much to flip from someone peaking your interest to giving you the total “ick” (which we talked about in a recent D&M ep).

That’s why we were so grateful to see this article from Mashable, featuring tips on how to make the most of your audio notes from Hinge’s Director of Relationship Science and friend of the pod, Logan Ury. In the article, Logan shares Hinge’s top 5 most popular voice prompts and some CRUCIAL do’s and don’ts. But all in all, Damona thinks you can never go wrong with the more creative route. The more you can showcase your character in your profile, the more you frame yourself as a real person instead of just a face to swipe on.

MICHELLE ELMAN (8:14)

Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, broadcaster, and public speaker (but you may know her as the queen of boundaries). What you might not know is that she had 15 surgeries before the age of 20, and is a leading expert on body positivity.

Michelle has been featured by Stylist and Glamour, and has appeared on The Today Show, Teen Vogue, E! News and MTV. Lastly, she’s the author of two best-selling books and her most recent book, The Selfish Romantic, is out now! 

(9:24) What inspired The Selfish Romantic?

There seems to be a fine line that is walked between selfishness and self care or self love. But Michelle notes that in order to have self love, you are required to be selfish. “The practicality is you cannot be higher on your priority list unless you start saying no to other people around you. And it’s the same in your dating life. So if you’re putting someone else’s opinion above your own, you aren’t going to make decisions in your love life that are good for you. And so you do need to be more selfish.”

Michelle also talks about her surgery scars, self-consciousness, and how she reframed the relevancy of her scars in her own dating life.

(20:20) Is your focus on dating stunting your growth?

Michelle brings up a pretty life-changing session she had with her life coach. In this session, the coach called Michelle out for making a guy she was dating for 3 weeks her #1 priority (and Michelle was even writing her first book at the time). Michelle says this convo was the catalyst for deciding to reset her dating life by remaining “consciously single” for three years.

Michelle goes into why being consciously single is NOT halting your love life (at least not as much as you think it is) & how she went about her dating detox.

(26:45) The myths & lies about singlehood.

Speaking of Damona’s book and dating myths, Michelle has a lot to say about the myths around being single. “People seem to think that being single is something that accidentally happens to us. That it’s like this illness that gets thrust upon us, or it’s a waiting room until we get our next relationship… We all came into this world single. Being single is the default, being coupled is not the default.”

First of all, treat yourself and get this book The Selfish Romantic out NOW. Second of all, treat yourself again by watching Michelle’s inspiring content on IG @MichelleLElman.

 

DEAR DAMONA (29:18)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from Allison – How can I pursue a relationship rather than friends with benefits? My usual pattern has been to like a guy, sleep with him, then fall hard for him – only to find out that he doesn’t want a serious relationship.

Rachel Lindsay & Trending Globally

We have a big episode today, with a big name guest – so why not kick it off with a big announcement to match?

As many of you know, Damona has been working on her book for the last year or two. And now, we can OFFICIALLY announce the release date and the title!!!

In her 15+ years coaching singles, Damona has found that the biggest game changer for clients is the moment when they throw out the old scripts they’ve been living with – the soulmate myth, the chemistry myth, all the myths that keep us believing that there is one way to find love. As soon as you realize the power you have to live your OWN love story, your life begins to change.

Damona’s book will be the framework to help you do just that. So on January 2nd, 2024, you can buy your copy of F the Fairytale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story. In the meantime, you’ll be hearing excerpts from the book and much more throughout the year.

Now, on to the show! You know our guest today as The Bachelorette from Season 13 and a correspondent on EXTRA. She’s the one and only, Rachel Lindsay! And she has a brand new novel called “Real Love!” that asks what happens when you take the road less traveled.

DATING DISH (2:42)

Match Group served up the world’s first comprehensive survey of dating trends:

If you’ve never heard of Match Group, they’re the ones who own companies like Tinder, Match.com, OkCupid, Hinge, PlentyOfFish and OurTime. And recently, Match Group partnered with research firm Ipsos to dive deep into the current state of online dating. Nearly 20,000 people were surveyed from the US, Germany, Japan, India and Turkey – including people with and without online dating experience

The results were split into three sections covering LGBTQ+ dating, online safety, and how online dating seems to be the foremost venue for making connections. Damona goes over the hottest takes to come out of this data-fest.

RACHEL LINDSAY (14:10)

Rachel Lindsay is currently a correspondent with ExtraTV and she is the host of The Ringer’s “Higher Learning with Van Lathan and Rachel Lindsay” podcast, which was recently nominated for an NAACP. 

Rachel is best known for her role as the first Black lead in the franchise’s history on the 13th season of ABC’s The Bachelorette and as a contestant on the 21st season of ABC’s The Bachelor. 

And her newest book, “Real Love!”, is on shelves… TODAY! 

(17:00) How much of Rachel’s novel draws from IRL?

Rachel’s book “Real Love!” revolves around Maya, a young CEO who is offered the opportunity to join the nationally beloved reality dating show “Real Love.” But after turning down the show, she watches her friend Delilah say yes to the experience. 

Besides the obvious, Rachel says that the book is loosely based on her own journey but stands alone as its own story. On deciding to go on The Bachelor, Rachel says “once I said yes, it changed my life in the best way. But I always think about that girl who almost said no. And so I wanted to explore that.”

Rachel also notes some of the key themes in the book including how we keep ourselves from our own happiness (to quote Rachel, “fear is really the root of all evil.)

(23:30) Throw out the life plan!

Damona brings up an essay from Rachel’s previous book, where she described the 10-year life plan she used to have. And now? Rachel shares that she’s thrown the idea of a life plan out altogether. “Even now, when someone says to me, ‘what is it that you want to do, what’s the end goal?’ I don’t give them one… What I would say is hold true to those things that you don’t want to compromise on your morals, your values, your dreams, your goals. All that should stand through and through.”

(28:05) A fine line between your story and someone else’s…

Damona observes Rachel’s very deliberate choice to have the main character of “Real Love!” be black, and asks if this was a way for Rachel to explore how race factors into finding love today. Rachel says absolutely, noting that “as [Maya] comes to a certain crossroads and she’s open to new opportunities, you see that certain things don’t necessarily match up with her life plan. But is she going to act on them? Or is she not? And that’s a very real life situation.”

(31:02) Blackness and Bachelor Nation.

Rachel had never watched a show from The Bachelor franchise when she first went on as a contestant, later becoming the first black lead of not only The Bachelorette, but of a Bachelor show PERIOD. And although she didn’t have a full concept of how historical her position was, she describes anticipating judgment for every decision she would make by both The Bachelor audience AND the Black community alike. She continues, “I was going to be open to love. And if it came my way, I was going to accept it no matter what package it came in. And I needed to be okay with that. Because I knew the world that I was going to have to face once I made that decision.”

Rachel also describes the biggest advice she has for interracial couples.

 

Be sure to follow Rachel Lindsay on Instagram @TheRachLindsay AND go out and grab YOUR copy of Real Love! – on shelves today!

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (38:15)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Text Message from Anon – Hi Damona! I recently started listening to your podcast and really like it! You inspired me to get back online for dating after taking a couple of years off. My question is: How do I balance the matches and conversations? I’m not very good at, or comfortable with, talking to and meeting multiple guys at once. I don’t want to miss a good potential match due to ignoring messages but I don’t know that spreading myself thin over the matches allows me to really gauge a good connection. I don’t want to get overwhelmed and give up, but I’m not really sure what to do. Thank you!

Beyond Breakups & Therapy Tok

So a headline recently crossed Damona’s desk that there is a spike in breakups right after Valentine’s Day. It’s unfortunate when a relationship comes to an end, especially when it’s one you thought might last forever. But, sometimes, it’s necessary. 

Values change. Sometimes people grow apart or sometimes you realize it’s just not a fit. It’s a difficult part of the dating journey. But it’s also an opportunity, a chance to reset and realign with your needs and your values.

And that’s why we’ve got award-winning divorce attorney and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After, Renée Bauer, here to talk about new beginnings.

DATING DISH (1:50)

How therapy speak took over dating (and what to do about it):

At this point we’re all familiar that dating comes with its own dictionary and buzzwords (Damona’s made an entire TV segment about it on Access Daily with Mario and Kitt). But a recent New York Times article did a deep dive into the psychological terms that have wedged themselves into the dating lexicon – and phrases like love bombing, gaslighting and trauma bonding are only the start.

One of the takes from this article is how therapy lingo and even mentions of therapy can be used by daters to distinguish themselves to prospective matches, or even filter out matches. AKA saying that you go to therapy in your profile can indicate if you and a prospective match are aligned in cultural reference points and the way you see the world.

But the biggest lesson we can learn is the way in which using psychology terms like “toxic” and “narcissist” can go off the rails if we’re not careful. After all, not everyone ranting about their toxic ex on TikTok is a professional. Damona explains how we can avoid this trap.

RENÉE BAUER (7:43)

Renée Bauer is an award-winning divorce attorney, published author, and founder of the family law firm Happy Even After. Her upcoming summit, She Who Wins, runs April 28-29th and focuses on both personal development and business strategy.

(8:07) How to know when a relationship is *over* over.

Damona asks Renée how we can know when a relationship is truly over? Well according to Renée, this straightforward question has a straightforward answer. “How do you know? Usually my answer is, you already do.”

Renée continues that “what happens is we start to listen to our head, we start to crowdsource from people we love who are so well intentioned and who want the best for us. But they don’t know what’s going on inside that house or inside that relationship.” At the end of the day, where you stand with your partner will become much clearer when you turn off your fears of being alone, financial burden, and the unknown. Choose to trust yourself.

Based on her experience as a renowned divorce attorney, Renée also names the signs of a truly healthy relationship (hint: it has to do with conflict).

(14:15) Doubt about debt…

Many of Damona’s clients and participants in The Dating Accelerator Program often mention debt as their number one worry surrounding a potential partner. Everyone seems to want to know – how can I even bring up the subject of debt when getting to know someone?

Renée proposes taking a practical approach – ask open ended questions like, “How do you feel about having debt? What’s your relationship with money like? Are you more of a spender or a saver?” Also keep an eye out for behaviors that suggest they’re uncomfortable talking about money (i.e. avoiding eye contact, fidgeting, changing the subject). 

But – try to refrain from judgment until you know the whole story. People make mistakes and having debt isn’t always a straightforward reason to assume someone is irresponsible with money.

(18:36) After dating & before marriage.

Damona brings up the moving-in-together stage of relationships, and how often couples decide to cohabitate before asking the necessary questions that would prep them for this shift. Renée hops in with the steps she recommends taking before moving in together, one of these steps being to draw up a contract (whether legal or nonprofessional).

The importance of establishing terms of cohabitation also increases when pets and/or kids are involved. “Whether it’s in writing or not, I think the important piece is having those conversations and having clarity around them. Not just in passing, not just over dinner.

(23:22) “Treat marriage like it’s a business.”

Treat your marriage like it’s a business… huh? Renée breaks down that looking at your marriage as a partnership to be protected, although somewhat unromantic, is one of the best ways to strengthen it. For instance, Renée suggests having “state of the union” meetings with your spouse every month. She mentions that “money is probably one of the most common reasons that people get divorced.” So sitting down, talking about whatever’s happening in the marriage, and looking at the numbers in your finances will help keep you and your partner on the same page, and keep tension from building over time.

Renée also details her own experience of dating while being twice-divorced, and how owning your divorce story will release you from any shame you think it carries.

 

Be sure to follow Renée on Instagram @MsReneeBauer and learn more about the She Who Wins Summit at SheWhoWins.com.

 

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (31:30)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

  • IG Message from Andrea – You mentioned keeping your profile active and engaging but with my experience most men are on these apps nowadays for hookups not relationships. In my experience it always turns into sexual comments and never anything of substance. and most have a wife or girlfriend they are living with. 

The Ick & Second Chance Scenario

Okay, we’ve all been there. The date is going well, you’re thinking there may be a future here, and then they do that thing – maybe it’s talking with their mouth full or revealing they don’t like dessert. Say what?! Whatever it is, it’s like a switch, an instant turnoff; it’s the ick!

It’s okay, it’s part of the dating journey. You are going to meet people who aren’t a great fit for you along the way. Hopefully you can learn from them, laugh and move on. 

And that’s why we have authors, Anna Burtt and Kitty Winks, here to talk about their new book, The Little Book of Ick. They’ll also be breaking down how you can actually use icks to your advantage.

DATING DISH (1:55)

Some daters say Instagram helps them date more ‘organically’:

NBC News recently covered a study by YPulse, a youth research firm, sharing that 40% of Gen Zers met their partners through social media while 29% met their partners through dating apps. 

According to the article, Gen Zers say they want to date more “organically” and that meeting through mutual followers or shared communities on social media platforms like Instagram allows them to do this. They add that it’s also easier to vet their matches because they get a deeper look into their lives.

More than half also “feel more comfortable being vulnerable online and over text than in person.” Damona brings up the Online Disinhibition Effect, meaning that we feel more comfortable to share personal info and vulnerable feelings when your dating app gives you that veil of anonymity. So that raises the question – is it better to be starting communication in a space where you have no inhibitions before you’ve even met the other person?

But if we ARE going to shoot our shot and slide into the DMs, Damona shares some of her top tips on how to do so in Nick Viall’s episode of Dates & Mates.

 

We want you to have a dating profile that magnetizes the right dates to you. And that’s why for a limited time only, you can get Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit HERE – this includes prompts and profile templates to help you write a winning profile, & a short tutorial video on how to choose the best dating profile photos.

 

KITTY WINKS & ANNA BURTT (15:40)

Anna Burt is the host of the podcast The Brighton Book Club, and Kitty Winks has been featured in Mashable and Stylist Magazine. Together they are now co-authors of “The Little Book of Ick.”

(16:10) First of all, what the heck is an ick?

Kitty jumps right into it, defining the “ick” as “when you’re dating someone and they do something completely inane and innocuous on the face of it. And then from that moment forward, they’re completely physically repulsive to you. You can’t get past it.” And although there are some obvious universal ones (like being rude to waitstaff), the ick doesn’t show up the same way for everyone. Kitty also adds her take that “the ick is a physical manifestation of something that is already subconsciously there.”

Damona mentions how many people ask her if something is a red flag or not. Anna goes on to explain the differences between red flags and icks.

(21:50) The pyramid of icks.

Damona, Kitty and Anna deliberate the different levels of icks, from frivolous to f**ked up. Some of the icks that come up in The Little Book of Ick are cutting up your food into small pieces, some calling themselves a producer, or ordering a mocha latte (Kitty says “order a coffee or a hot chocolate, just make a decision”). Anna and Kitty also reveal their biggest icks, and Kitty shares the ick she employs to help herself get over her exes.

Although writing The Little Book of Ick has caused Kitty and Anna to see potential icks everywhere they look, they tell us to keep in mind that “no one should take some sides of dating too seriously. It just goes to show how kind of vacuous we all are. And you know, anything can kind of trigger an ick. And there’s no shame in that. I don’t think there’s any shame in being picky.”

 

You can follow Anna Burtt on Instagram @btnbookclub and Kitty Winks on Instagram @KitWinks. And be sure to snag a copy of their book, The Little Book of Ick.

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (34:25)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from M – Dear Damona – Hi, love your show! I paid for a subscription on a dating app to see all the men who “like” me, and I was scrolling through and saw a man who ghosted me 5 years ago, in 2017. This man has stood out in my mind because it was genuinely the best first date I’ve ever had, we were both cracking up the whole time. We stayed at the restaurant until they closed, then went to a wine bar and stayed there until it closed too. He had plenty of opportunities to end the date earlier but we ended up spending 6 hours together that night. We kissed a little at the end of the night, and I never heard from him again. I messaged him on the app the next day to thank him for a lovely evening and to follow up on what he had suggested as our second date, but he never responded. I feel a little scorned but I really had a good time with him. Should I give him another chance?

Code-Switching Valentine & Smart Sex

It’s Valentine’s Day and whether you are single, coupled or throupled (check out my IG if you need an explainer on that), we are celebrating LOVEEEEEE today! That’s right, things are about to get steamy.

Here on Dates & Mates, we’re always talking about the first two of the four pillars of long-term compatibility – common goals and shared values. But today, it’s Valentine’s Day so we are going to talk about the other two: trust and communication. Whether you realize it or not, sex and intimacy can be gateways to unlocking those last two pillars.

That’s why we have Damona’s dear friend and Doctor of Human Sexuality, Emily Morse, joining us for a very special Valentine’s Day episode. She will be talking about her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure.”

Disclaimer: This episode is for ALL listeners, single or taken. Boosting your sex IQ will help you if you have a Valentine tonight or not.

And remember that while we put so much emphasis on Valentine’s Day, in the end, it’s just a day! You can choose to recognize it or not the way you wish.

DATING DISH (3:16)

Do you code-switch on dating apps?

The New York Times recently published a deep dive into how people present different variations of themselves across various dating apps. What this article mainly exposed is that with so many dating apps available, a lot of users modulate their personalities from one platform to the next. For example, Hinge encourages leading with details that suggest you’re serious about finding a relationship. But then there are apps like Feeld that are for the ethical non-monogamous community, people who want open relationships, and swingers. So between these apps, you might even use different photos and bios. The NYT even proposes that the likelihood of a match is affected by which app a potential partner discovers you on first.

Damona’s big takeaway? “As a dating coach for 15 years, I would say it is a good idea to have at least a different primary photo on the various apps. But this article talks about people having like whole folders of apps on their phone. I would be remiss if I didn’t say that we are on too many apps right now, folks, I have my clients really focus on one app at a time or kind of cycle into apps… Scale it down and date intentionally.”

Damona is a big fan of dating apps, and we want you to be a fan of dating apps too because they are a tremendous tool. But what is the key to a successful online dating experience? It all comes down to the profile. Check out the Free Profile Starter Kit HERE to revamp your profile today!

EMILY MORSE (14:45)

Doctor of Human Sexuality, Emily Morse, is on a mission to liberate the conversation about sex and pleasure. Emily is the best-selling author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight! and host of the #1 Sexuality podcast on iTunes Sex With Emily.

She has been profiled in The New York Times, Forbes, and The Times of London. And, her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure”, comes out June 13th!

(16:30) Did you know you have a sex IQ?

With her book “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure” coming out in June 2023, Emily shares with us what a Sex IQ is. “We think about our IQ, and then we came out with EQ – emotional intelligence – in the 90s. And then with this book, I really wanted people to feel empowered to be sexually intelligent as well… So in this book, I present the five pillars of becoming sexually intelligent.” In short, being sexually intelligent is more of a holistic approach to understanding your own sex questions.

Emily also covers the pillars of sexual intelligence (HINT: both your mental and physical health contribute to your sexual intelligence).

(21:12) What does great sex look like?

Emily and Damona piece apart what it actually means to have “great sex” – because great sex looks different for everyone. Damona also brings up a question often asked at Dates & Mates, about what to do when your partner and you have different sex drives and how to bridge that gap. Emily explains that in a usual relationship dynamic, there is a high desire partner and a low desire partner. And bridging the gap between your sex drives will involve scheduling your sexcapades ahead of time (which can be completely HOT). 

(29:52) Take control of your own arousal.

Trust and communication are some of the keys to having really awesome sex. But in order to have trust and communication in the bedroom, it’s important to know what turns you on and why. 

Emily explains that scientists “look at the brainwave patterns of people falling in lust or falling in love, and people on cocaine, and the brainwave patterns are very, very similar. It is a drug and that drug, like everything that comes up, it’s going to have to come down again. So that’s where the work happens.”

Once the honeymoon phase ends and a couple is no longer riding on the fumes of the newness, they will have to consider what they can do to continue to be attracted to each other.  “Part of becoming sexually intelligent is self knowledge, that’s another one of the pillars. How well do I know myself? How well do I know in the past? What worked for me and what didn’t? How well do I know what’s going to be a requirement for me to be turned on?”

 

Be sure to follow Emily on Instagram @SexWithEmily and pre-order her upcoming book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” by visiting sexwithemily.com/book.

 

 

DEAR DAMONA FT. EMILY MORSE (35:20)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

  • Email from Sabrina – Damona, I have never been in an adult romantic relationship and I’m currently in my mid-30’s. When I’m out I don’t meet a lot of men or the men I meet (platonically) are in relationships. Online dating has not proven successful and I rarely get matches. Men either fetishize over the fact that I am a black woman, or fetishize my weight (I’m plus size). If I do have a match that does neither of those things we usually don’t talk for long because they take forever to meet up, want to meet up and have sex or don’t fit with my values (my faith is a big part of my life). I would love to start dating and find companionship. Please help!
  • IG Message from Carlos – I met a girl that I’m really attracted to, but she is a bad kisser. What can I do?
  • Text from James – Would it be bad to tell my partner I love her for the first time during sex?

Boundary Bubble & Fourth Date Day

It’s that time of year… Mariah Carey has her Santa hat on and Starbucks has changed their cup color to red.

The holidays are a magical moment when family comes together and people celebrate. But the same things that make it so great can create some strain – like cramped spaces, a little too much booze and overly nosey visitors.

You know what you need my friend? Boundaries. Both to make it through the crush of cuffing season and to make it through another holiday with well-intentioned family and friends.

And that’s why we have relationship and recovery coach Dufflyn Lammers joining Damona this week. She’ll be outlining how to set healthy boundaries with your loved ones AND dates so you can have a happy and healthy holiday season.

DATING DISH (1:55)

Just FYI, your fourth date should absolutely be a day-date.

A new article from Cosmopolitan Magazine gives several reasons to go for the day-date during your fourth meetup. Firstly, the fourth date is still early enough that if red flags come up during the date, you can make your exit. The day-date also provides less pressure to dress to perfection or play up the sex appeal. And unless you’re doing mimosas for brunch, you can’t hide behind alcohol during a day-date. You can also escape that pre-date anxiety since you’re not waiting around all day.

Damona is a fan for a different reason – the day-date gives you a deeper understanding of your matches’ personality. The goal of the first three dates is to give and receive as much authenticity as possible. So going out for lunch, coffee, a hike etc. is more likely to create opportunities for connection than hiding behind a few drinks.

Additionally, Damona gives tips for why activity dates (aka bowling, mini golf, hiking) can play a role in feeling more attracted to your match…

 

**REMINDER: Our big cuffing season giveaway with OkCupid is still on through December 15!!! Just share this episode or your fav episode of Dates and Mates to social media, then tag Damona (@damonahoffman) and OkCupid (@okcupid) for a chance to win three FREE months of OKCupid Premium.

 

DUFFLYN LAMMERS (10:55)

Dufflyn Lammers is a relationship and recovery coach with over 10 years of experience. More specifically, she’s trained in attachment repair, tantra, intervention, and personal coaching.

She has published and performed for the LA Times, In The Rooms, The Fix, She Recovers Foundation, The International Conference on Addiction and Associated Disorders, National Association for Poetry Therapy, HBO, NBC, and the Hollywood Fringe Festival.

(12:00) Learn to voice your expectations.

Defining our boundaries can take time, but as Dufflyn observes, “that’s the big thing that boundaries give us is an opportunity to be our authentic selves.”

When we know our boundaries but don’t express them, we often end up in situations where we feel disrespected or betrayed. But how can the other person have an opportunity to show up for us if we don’t let them know what we expect? Set up your expectation, and THEN see how that person shows up.

(16:36) Boundaries are gates, not walls.

We set up boundaries around others to protect ourselves and make us feel safe, right? But that doesn’t mean we can’t be flexible. Dufflyn compares boundaries as being alike to gates rather than walls, which more easily allow us to come together with another human who isn’t us. “When two people come together, there’s always negotiation. We say these are my standards and boundaries and these are the other person’s. Do they match?”

Dufflyn also maps the different levels of boundaries, and explains how setting boundaries is a kind thing to do for ourselves AND other people.

(23:25) The MOST common myths about boundaries.

The top misconception Dufflyn hears about boundaries is that maintaining boundaries will hurt people’s feelings. “The truth is when we stop pleasing people, people aren’t pleased, right? But the fact that they’re not pleased doesn’t mean that we should trash our boundaries. It might actually mean the opposite – that this was overdue. Or that they’re uncomfortable.”

Damona asks if there’s a right and wrong way to express our boundaries. There is no right and wrong way, but only the most compassionate way. Dufflyn’s strategy is to “top and tail” your boundary. A.K.A. Top it (acknowledge the other person), then express your boundary, and finally tail it (how you will take action or collaborate with the other person).

(31:24) Let’s regulate these emotions…

One of the biggest obstacles we may face when setting boundaries is unregulated emotions. Because it’s really hard to place a boundary when family members or other people are pushing against them, right? Dufflyn adds, “If you’ve got two people that are both dysregulated, they’re not going to be able to regulate one another, which is the primary way that we find regulation, right? It’s co-regulation with another person.”

So how do we emotionally regulate in those moments? By having a few people who we can rely on to help us emotionally regulate, rather than relying solely on our partners, matches or a family member. Not sure who to call? Dufflyn likes to imagine the conversation ahead of time. She says, “Before I dial, I think, will this person make me feel regulated?”

 

Be sure to follow Dufflyn on Instagram @Dufflyn. Dufflyn has also created a FREE guide for Dates & Mates listeners – The 8 Top Tips for Getting Through the Holidays With Boundaries. 

 

And if you want to work with Dufflyn ASAP, her new workshop Boundaries Are The New Black is going LIVE on Saturday December 17, 2022 at 7PM CET.

 

DEAR DAMONA (40:48)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

  • Email from Anonymous – Dear Damona, I am a 25 year old female and I have been putting a lot of effort into online dating recently and have been challenging myself to go on at least one date per week. So far there is one trend that I run into a lot while talking to men online and that is they don’t ask me questions about myself. I will ask them a question like what is your favorite genre of music for example and they will respond with a long paragraph but then not think to ask me the question in return. It really frustrates me because I feel as though this is a lack of awareness and interest in me and it really turns me off. It really is a dealbreaker. Am I overreacting? Is there a way I can communicate this without sounding overly negative and judgmental? I don’t know what to do and I am tired of carrying the conversation and not getting the same effort in return. Thank you!

Gender Wars & Broken Picker

Gender norms are evolving rapidly but online there still seems to be a lot of rhetoric circulating about things like alpha males and high value women. 

And while there is no doubt that there are certain characteristics of these labels that are valued by many, like a strong work ethic or being accountable, I’ve been wondering if these terms and the online communities that seem to be building around them are driving us further away from authentic love and true understanding between the sexes.

And that’s why we have one of the hottest multi-platform content creators, Chris Thompson, here to break down the gender war he’s witnessing online and to share his methods for coming back to a place of peace. 

DATING DISH (1:35)

Should dating references be required in online dating?

We all go to Yelp for reviews on new restaurants – but what if you could do the same thing for potential dates? A recent article from Refinery29 makes the case for why dating references should become the new norm in online dating. The article cites a lot of scary statistics about the potential dangers of online dating – but Damona wants you to remember that it’s really unlikely that some of these extreme situations will happen to you. More likely, your worst case scenario will be realizing you and your date are incredibly incompatible.

But if something does happen to you, report this user to the app immediately! Because there’s no way that apps can police toxic or dangerous behavior if we’re not reporting it.

P.S. If you’re really nervous about online catfishing, listen to Damona’s interview with Kamie Crawford, co-host of MTV’s hit show Catfish. She shares her top tips on how to research your matches before you meet IRL. 

 

**If you’re looking for a little more discovery in your dating life, try out Damona’s FREE Profile Starter Kit to magnetize your dating profile. (This won’t be free forever, so get it while you can!!)

 

CHRIS THOMPSON (11:40)

Chris Thompson is a veteran of the influencer industry and has an audience of over 2 million. He also hosts the podcast, Unfiltered Friends, where he helps your favorite creators tell their personal stories.

(12:15) Let’s end the Gender Wars.

The dominant theme amidst Chris’s social media content is discussing gender roles (or breaking down the “Gender Wars”). When we say “gender wars,” we are referring to the strict thinking that men must support men and women must support women, solely. In this line of thinking, people tend to blame the opposite gender for their horrible dating experiences. Chris believes that this divide is mostly created when we project our dating disappointment & resentment onto each other.

Chris also gives details about his experience interviewing someone who has narcissistic personality disorder, and how our mainstream fantasies about love actually allow narcissistic people to manipulate us more easily. (Say whaaaat?)

(22:38) Look beyond the checklist.

When dating apps give us access to more matches than we could ask for, it’s great to be specific about what you’re looking for in a partner. But if our must-haves consist of mainly surface level qualities, sticking with this checklist can begin to dehumanize our matches. Make sure your must-have qualities help determine your long-term compatibility with someone, and allow potential partners to be included in the building of your relationship. 

Chris and Damona also discuss (and debunk) the idea of what it means to be a “high value” woman or man.

(28:30) Alpha-male atrocity…

Let’s get one thing straight – Alpha-male culture is ridiculous and should not be seen as an exemplary approach towards dating. That being said, there is a reason why so many men have continued to gravitate towards the Alpha Male persona. Damona believes that this attraction comes from a place of pain and feeling as though they are not enough. Chris states that in order to alieve the toxic symptoms of alpha-male culture, we must approach the situation with compassion. 

**Note: compassion does NOT mean validation. Of course alpha-male culture tends to validate really crappy and toxic behavior, which is never okay. But the more we can understand where toxic behavior is coming from, the more we can help to heal it.

 

Be sure to follow Chris on Instagram and TikTok @SupDaily and check out his podcast, Unfiltered Friends, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.

 

DEAR DAMONA (46:10)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

IG Message from E – Hi Damona – help! I discovered your podcast a few months ago and listen a few times a week when I walk. I go on lots of dates. Men usually ask me out on a second and third date. I have actually turned down numerous opportunities with nice guys who want a relationship. I’m not attracted to most of the guys I date! What do I do? Am I picking the wrong people? I find the really attractive guys are often jerks or have very different values (like very conservative, anti-abortion, that sort of thing). I’m starting to wonder – is it me? Is it my selection strategy?

Sexual Attraction & Post-Divorce Dating

Whether or not you’ve been through a bad breakup, we can all agree that no one gets into a relationship intending to call it quits. But unfortunately people sometimes grow apart to the point where the best thing for them to do is to split. 

It really depends on the situation, but just because you’re divorced doesn’t mean your love story is over. You’re just moving on to your next chapter!

And that’s why we have best-selling author and relationship coach, Jennifer Hurvitz, joining Damona today. She will share her personal experience and outline how to return to dating after a big breakup.

DATING DISH (1:45)

What you should know if there’s no sexual attraction for your partner, according to a therapist:

You go on a first date with someone you’ve been chatting with, and it goes great! A few more dates pass by and you eventually decide to take things to the bedroom… only to find out that your sexual connection may not be up to par with your romantic one. Now what??

Well according to a recent CNN article, a lot more goes into physical attraction than we realize. Dr. Justin Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute notes that physical attractiveness “doesn’t actually top the list for men or women… traits like intelligence, humor, honesty and kindness are often at least as important, if not more.” The article also points out that in hetero relationships, men more often internalize an “either/or” view of women– those who make great wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous.

All that being said, can sexual attraction make or break a relationship? Damona observes that in current dating culture, there’s a big difference between “I can do what I want to do and experience pleasure without labels” (which we’re all for), and “I am pursuing pleasure at my own expense and not getting my core needs met.” Damona explains how to build more awareness of this, and why sex actually gets better the more you get to know your partner.

JENNIFER HURVITZ (10:14)

Jennifer Hurvitz is a relationship expert and dating coach. She is the best-selling author of “Midlife Priceless: A Dating Coach’s Guide to *Finally* Doing Relationships Right” and the host of the podcast Doing Relationships Right.

(12:40) The hardest thing about dating after divorce.

There are many aspects that make dating after divorce difficult, from rediscovering your sense of self to becoming intimate with a new person. But Jennifer shares what the biggest hurdle was for her – “I don’t know why I get so emotional and talk about it. But it’s really frightening to do it all again, after you think you’re with this one person forever.”

Part of Jennifer’s journey back into dating was accepting that you don’t have to be the perfect version of yourself in order to put yourself out there. Because realistically, we are never going to be the ABSOLUTE perfect version of ourselves. The only thing you can be prepared to do is put trust in who you are, and take that first leap into the dating pool.

Jennifer also gives tips on how you should go about revealing your relationship history (especially if your history is kind of a complicated one).

(18:00) D.A.T.E.

Much like Damona discussed with family therapist Jordan Green last week, Jennifer also likes to break down the dating process into four different stages, which she calls D.A.T.E. – Decide, Attract, Trust, and Evolve. “You decide who you want to go out with, you attract (or you realize you’re not attracted to the person). And then basically, you either trust them or you don’t. And then you evolve together.” 

Jennifer points out that the Decide phase is crucial, because it is the catalyst for growth in your dating journey. Deciding not only refers to deciding to pursue a specific person, but also speaks to making the choice to date AT ALL (that’s that first leap we referred to before). 

Damona and Jennifer also discuss why it’s important to choose your boundaries instead of choosing to “go with the flow” in social situations.

(26:25) Trust & time.

Developing trust is a slippery slope that, in dating, we have to learn to bounce back from. But Jennifer poses a great question – do you trust until someone gives you a reason not to trust them? Or do you go in not trusting and they have to prove themselves?

Jennifer believes that in order to develop trust in any relationship, time has to be a core factor. Because no one can create a really solid foundation overnight, especially if you’re coming out of a situation like a divorce or breakup where you’ve already been burned. 

Side note: did you know that in some states, if you’re dating someone who is separated, that person’s partner can sue you?? Jennifer breaks down the legalities of dating someone who is separated and why these laws exist.

 

Be sure to follow Jennifer on Instagram @DoingRelationshipsRight and check out her book, ‘Midlife Priceless: A Dating Coach’s Guide to *Finally* Doing Relationships Right.’ And, listen to Doing Relationships Right wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.

 

DEAR DAMONA 

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from M – Dear Damona: First off, I love, love, LOVE your podcast! Your energy is amazing! So, I’ve been divorced for 12 years, had off and on relationships that typically ended when the guys cheated or were commitment phobes. I’ve finally met someone, and we’ve been dating for 3 months now. My question to you is when do we know if we’re being too picky, unrealistic, or holding onto an idealized connection that may never materialize? On paper, my boyfriend is great. We enjoy each other’s company, but already things are a bit mundane. The sex isn’t great, but it’s not the focus of our connection (that’s where I’ve messed up in the past). I just really desire someone who stirs my soul, but that hasn’t happened yet with someone who desires a committed relationship (that desire usually only happens with f*ck boys).