Tag Archive for: 2023

This Is Supposed to Be Fun & Conflict Styles

Dating is a journey – a process of trial and error, learning, vulnerability, compromise. It’s not easy, but nothing worthwhile is. The most important thing is that you enjoy yourself along the way.

And that’s why we have certified clinical sexologist and sex & dating coach Myisha Battle joining Damona today. She will be talking about her new book, “It’s Supposed To Be Fun: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.”

DATING DISH (1:34)

Can thinking about your ex improve your relationship?:

It seems logical that thinking about your ex while in a relationship is a bad sign, right? Well Best Life Magazine says this may actually improve your current relationship. A new study in the European Journal of Social Psychology focused on “the potential positive influence” of former romantic partners. Study participants were instructed to reflect on a past relationship, particularly focusing on “nostalgic memories.”

Damona dives deeper into the results of the study, how nostalgia works in our prefrontal cortex, and why we should bring nostalgia into ANY first date scenario.

MYISHA BATTLE (12:05)

Myisha Battle a certified clinical sexologist, sex & dating coach, educator, and speaker. Her work has been featured in national print and online outlets such as the Washington Post, New York Magazine’s The Cut, Refinery29, Oprah Magazine, the San Francisco Chronicle, Playboy, Nylon, and more. Plus, her newest book is called “THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.”

(13:45) “Hooking up” is not the same as dating.

One of the most common thoughts Myisha encounters from her clients is that having fun in dating usually equates to hooking up with your date. As Myisha points out, “I wanted to recognize that a major focus for people dating is to try to gather sexual experiences. But again, I think hooking up – that fun part – is mistaken for like the whole of dating.” 

Myisha also goes over what it means to be intentional with your dating life. Plus, how you can identify your sexual values – AKA finding the exact right words to describe what you’re looking for.

(23:47) Are their words and actions aligned?

Damona asks Myisha for clarity on reading between the lines in someone’s dating profile. Like, what does it exactly mean when someone says they’re looking for *blank* but “open to possibilities”? 

Myisha brings up that famous Maya Angelou quote – “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time” – and states that people will usually reveal themselves and their true intentions through the dating process. There are times when their words and actions aren’t aligned, and if this happens then that can be a conversation you have with your match.

(29:19) The pros and cons of the “sex buddy.”

There is a whole section in Myisha’s book, This Is Supposed To Be Fun, about the varying ways of having a sex buddy. Damona brings up the point that a sex buddy has the potential to be a bit of a crutch to avoid being more intentional in dating, and Myisha acknowledges that there can be an unhealthy component in hanging on to somebody for too long. 

But in her book, Myisha purposefully refers to the sex buddy as a gift in order to destigmatize the judgment around casual relationships. As Myisha puts it, “just because this is a sexual connection, it’s still a connection, it’s an exchange… there’s an energetic exchange I get from you and you get for me, so it’s a relationship of sorts.”

(34:52) How to communicate using S-B-I

SBI – or Situation, Behavior, Impact – is a communication technique that Myisha says she picked up during managerial training in a former life. Basically, you state the situation (i.e. the facts), you name the behavior that you were affected by, and then describe the impact it had on you.

Myisha clarifies that the SBI model is a really helpful framework to filter our emotions through, particularly when pre-breakup thoughts start to creep in. “So it can be a way to start those conversations. And to get into the weeds a little bit with people. No matter how early or late things have been going on, it’s just a good way to organize your thoughts and to be able to give that feedback in a way that feels authentic to you.” 

 

Be sure to follow Myisha on Instagram @myishabattle and check out her book – This Is Supposed to Be Fun: How to Find Joy in Hooking Up, Settling Down, and Everything in Between.

 

 

 

DEAR DAMONA (42:50)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from Tayba – Dear Damona, love your podcast. You mentioned that there’s 4 key compatibility markers, one of them being conflict resolution. Would you explain the different styles of conflict resolution in one of your episodes, as well as how to identify your own/your date’s style?

ANNOUNCEMENT!

Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time with live session starting WEDNESDAY 1/25. This is your LAST CALL to get Damona’s direct support on developing your dating plan for 2023. Grab one of the last remaining seats today at TheDatingSecret.com

Savage Love & Hookup Hangup

The rules of dating have changed! But you know that. We’ve been shouting it from the rooftop for 10 years now.

While many of our parents and grandparents adhered to strict gender roles, monogamy and a typical relationship timeline (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage), WE are building relationships that suit our lifestyles.

For example, non-monogamy is on the rise! Since last year, there has been a 42% increase in mentions of “ENM” or “ethical non-monogamy” on OkCupid profiles. There has also been an increase in the number of married couples who “Live Apart Together” – folks in committed relationships who live in separate homes. And according to the Census Bureau, the percentage of people in these LAT relationships increased by more than 25 percent between 2000 and 2019.

Based on our inbox, y’all have a lot of questions about how to make your relationship dream a reality (even if it includes a non-traditional arrangement). So we brought in the big dog today – THE Dan Savage is here with us. He’s the host of the Savage Lovecast and the long-running column, Savage Love. Dan will be talking about writing the rules of your own relationship and answering your love questions in a special Dear Damona segment!

DATING DISH (2:56)

If you clap when planes land, your partner might break up with you:

Hold onto your “icks” ladies and gentlemen, we’re about to dive into dating dealbreakers. A study commissioned by the dating site Seeking discovered that out of 2,000 adults, over half (65%) have ended a relationship because of an ick. What is an ick, you ask? It is a specific and possibly non conventional trait that turns someone off (i.e. “they gave me the ick”).

Damona goes over the most prominent icks from the survey – including bad body odor, clapping when your plane lands, and being obsessed with astrology (LOL since Dates & Mates just did a whole episode about astrology). Do you have an ick? 👀 

DAN SAVAGE (13:06)

Dan Savage is an American author, media pundit, journalist, and LGBT community activist.

He is the author of “Savage Love,” a sex-advice column, which first appeared in The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly, in 1991. The column is now syndicated across the United States and Canada. 

Dan is also the host of the podcast The Savage Lovecast, where he answers your sex questions and talks politics, and the author of multiple books including his most recent one, “Savage Love from A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras.”

(15:54) Dating dinosaurs.

Damona and Dan have many things in common, but the biggest is that they’re both veterans of the professional dating scene for 15+ years. Damona asks Dan what he’s seen as the biggest changes in dating and relationships during his career. Surprisingly, Dan responds that the question – “am I normal?” – is a thing of the past.

(22:21) The non-monogamous spectrum.

Damona brings up an interview that Dan did on the Death, Sex and Money Podcast with Anna Sale, in which Dan brought up the difference between non-monogamy and cheating.

Dan states that monogamy is a spectrum, and that you CAN in fact be cheated on in a non-monogamous relationship (just as you would a monogamous one). He also shares the kinds of feelings you may be having if you’re non-monogamous at heart (and how to have the “I’m non-monogamous” conversation).

Be sure to follow Dan on Instagram @DanSavage and to check out his book “Savage Love from A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras.” You can find his podcast, Savage Lovecast, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.

 

DEAR DAMONA (33:10)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Voice Message from B – I put so much pressure on myself to find a guy that meets my standards, I think I am hindering myself from finding my match. What should I do?
  • IG Message from R – I find myself getting lost in flings while I search for my forever partner. How do I balance this dissonance?

 

ANNOUNCEMENT!

Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time starting the week of January 23rd. If you want to find love in 2023, this is your moment! Want to learn more? Check out the free intro class on Wednesday January 18th at 4pm PT/ 7pm ET. You can sign up for that at DamonaHoffman.com/freeclass

Love Astrology & Main Character Energy

It’s week two of 2023 and Peak Dating Season is going strong! Plus Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, so it’s not surprising to hear that many of you are looking for love in the new year. 

Luckily there are more tools than ever to help you in your search. You can create a vision board to roadmap what you want in love and life (as Damona covered in the last episode of 2022). You can refresh your dating profile regularly to boost you in the search algorithms. You can even let your friends know that you are looking for a date and ask for support in your search.

But – did you know that you can look to the stars for more information on your dating future? (Say what?! It’s true.) Astrology can be a powerful tool in predicting the compatibility and timing for when your stars will align to find love…

Today we have one of Damona’s dear friends and mentors joining Dates & Mates, Vedic astrologer and relationship coach Carol Allen. She’s going to help us understand the stars of 2023 and compatibility as it relates to someone else’s astrological imprint.

DATING DISH (2:38)

The biggest dating trends of 2023 (according to dating app experts):

Women’s Health recently published a full deep dive into the dating trends of 2023. And according to dating app experts, this year will be all about *main character energy* as people become more certain about their deal breakers and self worth. Not only that, the article mentions shifts in dating culture such as leaning into vulnerability (Damona talks about this in her episode with one of the hottest multi-platform content creators, Chris Thompson), open conversations about non-monogamy, and budget conscious dates (Damona goes over money-friendly date ideas with financial author Nicole Lapin.)

Damona dives deeper into each oncoming trend and shares some hard-hitting stats.

CAROL ALLEN (10:35)

Carol Allen is a Vedic astrologer, a relationship coach and Damona’s mentor. She is the author of “Love Is In The Stars – The Wise Woman’s Astrological Guide To Men.” Carol has been featured on E!, Bridezillas, EXTRA, Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers and in Chicken Soup For The Soul, Woman’s World, and Daily Candy.

(If your a fan of Dr. Drew’s, like Damona, listen to his Dates & Mates episode titled “Dr. Drew & The Big 400” here.)

 

(11:53) Is Vedic astrology just like any astrology?

When many of us think of astrology, our minds immediately go to those Cosmopolitan, back-of-the-magazine type of readings. But Vedic astrology, which Carol studies (originating in ancient India) follows a different criteria. Before all the compatibility details, Carol suggests first looking at the capacity of your partner – i.e. do you have the capacity for being in a relationship in the first place? How conscientious are you? How supportive are you? How present are you? How empathetic are you?

Carol dives further into defining low capacity people, and how timing plays another huge part in compatibility.

(23:01) Lunar eclipses influence marriage??

Carol touches upon the marriages of Drew Barrymore, Jen & Brad (Aniston and Pitt, of course) and shares how the stars determined the fates of their marriages (hint: both happened around a lunar eclipse). Plus, Carol gives an IN DEPTH reading of Damona’s wedding day, and how her and Seth were astrologically set up for success.

(31:48) Your calendar affects the outcome.

We all like to look to astrology for things like compatibility, life purpose, and personal information. But we forget how the stars can sway things like the success of a job interview, asking someone out, the best time to buy a house, when to have an important conversation – you name it. Carol explains how she maps things out for her clients using her special model of calendar, the Personal Success Calendar..

 

Be sure to follow on Instagram @CarolAllenAstrologer AND for a limited time you can get your Personal Success Calendar at a huge discount at damonahoffman.com/mycalendar.

 

DEAR DAMONA (36:36)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from C – I am 62 and he is 71. 3 months together and lots of kissing, chemistry and common interests. Yet, he has made no moves toward intimacy. Should I say something? Try to seduce? Or just wait it out?

ANNOUNCEMENT!

Damona is running her signature dating coaching group LIVE one last time starting the week of January 23rd. If you want to find love in 2023, this is your moment! Hear new success stories and see how the program can change your love life too at TheDatingSecret.com