From West Elm Caleb to The Tinder Swindler to Kim and Kanye we’ve got digital safety and online etiquette on the brain. Damona mentions one study that predicted that if Cyber Crime continues at its current rate of growth, it’ll cost 10.5 Trillion dollars globally by 2025.

This isn’t to scare you, because a lot of these scams, crimes, and sticky situations can be avoided if you know the signs to look for. So today, Burton Kelso will tell us how to stay protected in our search for love and in our relationships.

DATING DISH (2:33)

(2:33) Is Grimes and Elon Musk’s relationship the wave of the future?:

According to our friends at Metro UK, Grimes and Elon Musk’s fluid relationship is joining the hall of fame for unconventional celebrity romances (including Dolly Parton to Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith).

If you haven’t heard, the couple *secretly* welcomed a baby together in December 2021 via surrogate, even though they had officially separated that September. In a recent interview with Vanity Fair following the announcement of their new child, Grimes then said that they were maybe kind of together, like he was her boyfriend she guesses? But they don’t live together and they don’t follow a traditional relationship model. 

Not only is it becoming more and more common for modern-day couples to edge away from stereotypical relationship norms, but it’s also becoming increasingly visible in celebrity relationships as well. Which, all in all, is kind of an awesome thing! If we are able to be more flexible in our expectations of what a healthy relationship looks like, then this widens the bracket for people to feel more content in their own relationships, and not have their happiness be dependent on cultural validation.

So maybe it’s time for us to start looking towards the celebrity couples and role models in our lives that resemble the kind of relationship we want, not the one we think we should have.

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(5:55) Vulnerability is the new black: Well it’s official – Pure Wow confirmed in this recent article that vulnerability may be the new foreplay. The article starts with an anecdote from the author who had a very honest groundbreaking conversation with her partner. And through her partner’s vulnerability, she actually found herself feeling connected and… maybe a little turned on?

Award winning somatic sexologist, Jaiya, elaborated on this – she says that vulnerability is a powerful ingredient to creating alignment between two people who wish to get their true desires fulfilled and their needs met. But basically, it’s a way of exposing the most authentic you.

So how do we even open the door to be vulnerable? Well, Jaiya says to gauge your partner’s willingness and responsiveness when you choose to be vulnerable. This will also vary depending on how serious your relationship is. If you’ve just started dating, try to avoid any kind of emotional dumping – give them a little appetizer of the relationship to hang on to and be invested in before you hit him with the hard stuff. Additionally, in the early relationship stages, try to allow a ratio of making sure that you’re both sharing, and then listening to the other. If there’s a reciprocal share, then you know you’re both getting to a place of mutual vulnerability and authenticity.

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A lot of times when we go to vulnerability, our instinct can be to fix something. But this article really shows that it’s the act of vulnerability – of just the share – that can be really bonding for two people. Once you get into the relationship, it triggers a whole other series of emotions and levels of connection. And according to another study mentioned in the article, researchers found that oxytocin is released into our bloodstream whenever we experience true and authentic vulnerability (that’s the same chemical that’s essential to arousal). So although it can definitely be scary to be vulnerable, the payoff is evidently greater than we thought.

BURTON KELSO (11:43)

Damona is here with tech expert, TV personality, speaker, and entrepreneur Burton Kelso. Burton is currently the Chief Tech Expert of the award-winning tech service company Integral, based in Kansas City. He is regularly featured on local ABC, NBC, CBS & FOX morning shows, speaking about internet safety.

Burton’s passion is to help people make sense of, and get the most use out of, the digital world they live in.

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(13:16) Hit us with some dating safety: It seems like we’re living in a period right now where digital romance scams are on the rise (although part of this may just be Tinder swindler hype). Regardless, it’s never a bad idea to brush up on our online dating safety. Burton says that one of the main improvements in online safety is the existence of live video. In the past, if you wanted to see what someone looked like, you just had to trust that the glamor shot they sent you was actually what they looked like (and maybe there wasn’t as much of an instinct to question that they would be lying).

Nowadays online dating creates “watering holes” for people looking for connection, and so scammers are more likely to be on dating apps because that’s where the bodies are. But Damona confirms that although our access to potential scams has widened, our arsenal of tools to combat scamming has grown even more so, i.e. the ability to Facetime, researching their identity on the internet.

(15:18) Avoid getting socially engineered: Burton gets right down to the facts – he says that if you get into a relationship online, and your partner starts asking you for money or gifts soon after, that’s a red flag (especially large amounts of money upfront). Another red flag is if you read something they’ve texted you, and it seems vague enough that it could have been sent to anyone, there is a likelihood they could have copy-pasted the message to multiple people. Burton adds, “it’s so easy to do this, and they can carry on multiple conversations and have multiple people that they’re grooming at the same time. And technology just makes it so easy. You can do it from a computer, you can do it from a smartphone, so you can be anywhere and just send whatever you want, whenever you want.”

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Damona brings up a concept Burton has mentioned before, which is how scammers are able to “socially engineer” their subjects. Basically, social engineering is when a scammer takes a look at a situation or person and finds out what their weak spots are. And with social media allowing us to post our thoughts and emotions online daily, it doesn’t take long for a scammer to figure out what they can say to peak your interest. A common symptom of this is if the person you’re talking to makes you feel extremely special, like you’re the only one for them. Damona concludes that “people like to blame the dating apps, but it’s really the communication and that digital communication. Everybody wanting to move to text, wanting it to be more efficient, that has pushed us in this direction.”

(19:16) What’s up with your digital hygiene?: Let’s clarify – what are the precautions we should be taking online to avoid getting socially engineered by scammers? “The best thing to do is to use common sense and slow your roll, slow down when you’re in these online relationships. Because usually, in about six months, someone’s going to reveal who they are. We can only fake it for so long.” Another red flag Burton has clocked is if someone did not want to meet face to face in a safe location. This is a pretty reasonable request (especially as a woman), so if there is resistance in meeting for the first time in a way that’s comfortable for you, then there’s probably something going on with that person that you don’t need to deal with.

So what information should we avoid putting onto the internet altogether? Damona points out how she never “checks in” on any of the apps (i.e. attaching your location to a post you make, or updating the check-in feature on Facebook). Burton proposes avoiding giving out your real cell phone number when possible, because there is a way that your partner could gain access to your service provider and hack into your voicemail (if they become ambitious enough). Instead, Burton suggests getting a number with WhatsApp or Google Voice to hand out to people that you’re dating. That way if they become a nuisance, you can change your number within the app. Lastly, if you are nervous about your information being too public, go to your Google preferences, and indicate that you don’t want your information shared via Google. Be sure to turn off some of those personal-data sharing features within your Google or Microsoft account.

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(26:39) Internet sleuthing 101: Now that we know how to spot scammer red flags, how can we fact-check our suspicions? Burton remarks that Google is a good and very basic place to start if you want to become an internet sleuth. In addition, everyone’s on social media and even more people are on LinkedIn, which often gets lost in the shuffle as a resource. “If someone is employed they’re going to have a LinkedIn profile, because they want to keep their options open. Maybe they’re an entrepreneur and they want to connect with more people. So I definitely would check on both Facebook, and of course, LinkedIn. LinkedIn has got about 850 million users now – they have more users than Tik Tok.” Damona mentions that if they’re not on LinkedIn themselves and they are part of a business or corporation, it’s bound to have a website. Or if they’re on the board of some kind of charity, the website will often have a list of all the board members and essential persons.

But we couldn’t talk about sleuthing without mentioning the unsung hero of fact-checking – Google Image search. This is where you can drag and drop a photo from online into the Google search bar, and Google will then scour the internet for all instances in which that photo pops up. “Even on social media, you want to make sure someone isn’t using a headshot from Pixabayor Wix or Squarespace, that they haven’t used just some random dude that they posted on their social media platform.” If you want to do an image search, go to the main page of Google and at the top, click the little tab that says “images.” And Damona says to make sure that the photo you use is taken directly from the website or profile, screenshots will not work.

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(31:32) Beware of airtags: Airtags (or smart tags, for Samsung users) have been giving everyone a spook lately, so let’s nail down exactly what they are and how to avoid them. Basically, airtags are a tracking device keychain created by Apple to act as a key finder to help find lost items. But unfortunately, scammers have been using air tags and smart tags to track people by slipping them into an individual’s purse or pocket without them knowing. Sometimes, scammers will actually attach airtags to your car. So if a notification pops up on your device that says there’s an unknown airtag or smart tag nearby, definitely pay attention to the alert and disable its access. Damona does point out the bright side of airtags, which is that you can use these so your family and friends can keep track of your location, and even as a safety precaution the next time you go out on a date.

 

Check out more of Burton’s advice at https://www.burtonkelso.com/ and be sure to follow him on all the socials @BurtonKelso.

 

DEAR DAMONA (36:22)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• IG Message from Maria – Dear Damona, I chose to only filter in partners who don’t drink alcohol or only drink sometimes. I’ve been talking to a woman who seems lovely, has done some inner work, and has come out of an abusive/toxic relationship last may. She has on her profile that she drinks sometimes, yet she messaged me late the other day saying that she was just out of her ‘little bar job to help her friend out.’ Alarm bells went off inside, and I asked the next day ‘when you say you drink sometimes, what does that mean? As I’m looking for someone who preferably doesn’t drink or drinks occasionally.’ She didn’t reply to this specific message. I said again “I asked you this question and you didn’t answer me, I just want to make sure that we’re aligned with each other’s values’ and she didn’t reply again, and said that the conversation wasn’t feeling good and we briefly cut contact. We both decided to carry on talking, yet I feel that there’s an elephant in the room now. Please advise.
• Email from J – What is a kind and graceful way to end a relationship if you decide it isn’t working out? I am terrible at ending relationships and I often end up letting things linger way past their expiration date. I often tell myself, “He’s not so bad. He’s a nice guy.” But deep down I know that it isn’t going to work out. This year I’m focused on creating better boundaries, so I want to learn how to be better at this skill.

 

DAMONA’S DEALS

• Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
• Click here to try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit!

Do you ever feel like traditional dating and relationships just won’t work for you? Or maybe they do work for you, but the timeframe when you can date and connect is narrow? Does it hold you back?

Well, today’s guest is Damona’s good friend – freelance writer and Certified Life, Love and Dating Coach, Deb Besinger. She is here to let you know that times are a changin’ and that now’s the time to “design your own relationship.”

DATING DISH (1:36)

(1:36) Is the economy what’s actually keeping you single?: Business Insider dropped some knowledge on us in this recent article, explaining how our economy is really set up to more highly benefit married couples over singles. 

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So let’s get educated. The article points out the many aspects of life in which married couples have advantages – tax breaks, social security savings, and even social circles (when you’re single, you spend more money on your own going out with friends or buying gifts for loved ones). They also drop some recent data on home ownership provided by Bank of America, stating that about 65% of single women said that they would rather not wait until they were married to buy homes. 

In terms of dating, some single women are even worried that owning their own home sends a message to men that they don’t have space for them in their life, because home ownership must mean they’ve already got everything figured out. And all this isn’t even taking into consideration the wage gap between men and women, and then further between white women and women of color. All of these factors not only reflect societal standards from a rather bygone era, but they add up to one upsetting deficit on behalf of singles – lack of financial control. 

Considering all this, Damona states that you don’t necessarily need to be married or in partnership, to have someone to lighten the load. She proposes that women and other singles join to form single pods, where you can buy things in bulk (hello, Costco) and split the cost of other expenses. This also gives you more power to choose the people that you spend time with and decide to make a part of your single life.

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(7:10) The newest form of dating torture: Glamour Magazine came out with an article last week describing the talking stage.  According to this article, the talking stage is a label coined by Gen Z to describe a maddening, undefined early stage in many relationships. 

Damona thinks this is really cute because Gen X and millennials have been saying “talking” forever. But regardless of your age, you get it right. This is like, “we’re talking, but we’re not dating.”

Although Glamour makes this phase of dating seem unbearable and confusing for most people, Damona believes that “the talking stage” is actually a very necessary part of the dating process, and one that you shouldn’t run away from. “This is more what I call the screening stage to the people who are in my program. But the screening stage then has to move into some sort of definition.” 

The article also makes mention of another relationship buzz word, which is the “situationship.” Although a situationship may be more defined and have some level of commitment (because you technically have to be *in* a situationship), what further separates this from “the talking stage” is that a situationship is something you don’t want to be in. 

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So Damona votes that we all skip over the situationship phase, and that we get to a period of definition after the talking stage more quickly. Embrace defining the relationship and leaving the ambiguity behind, and this may mean embracing a different definition than any relationship you’ve had in the past. 

Additionally, be sure to have clarity on three questions: what do I want, what do they want, and have we talked about it. You are in control of your dating destiny. So if you dislike ambiguity, end it. 

 

Check out Damona’s Free Profile Starter Kit here, to take more control of your dating destiny.

 

DEB BESINGER (12:35)

Deb Besigner is a freelance writer and Certified Life, Love and Dating Coach. She is the founder of Kiss of Perspective, her coaching program where she teaches clients how to “design their own relationship.”

Deb is also the author of Bound and Gagged by Christianity and the Sins that Set Me Free – her personal story of leaving fundamental Christianity and finding the religion of love.

(14:05) People’s relationship goals are shifting:  Deb has been in the business of romantic coaching for eight years and she has seen a shift in how singles are dating. Deb says that many people are finding empowerment in learning how to be alone and that this process may have been sped up by the pandemic and the resulting lockdowns. 

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Deb explains how she sees people becoming more conscious and realistic about the amount of time they have to date intentionally.  She reveals how she fosters this in her 10 week coaching program by asking members not to date for the first 8 weeks.  That’s right, y’all read that right, the first 8 weeks.

Deb talks about how so many people feel pressured by traditional relationship timelines.  Her goal is to help people slow down and become more aware of what life with a partner ideally looks like to them – in your perfect world, how do you spend your time? And how does the partner factor into that? Do you want to share a friend group, or are you okay having separate circles of friends? What works for you?

(17:09) Design the relationship you want:

Wait… Deb’s clients don’t date for the first 8 weeks of her 10 week program? What do they do in the meantime? 

Deb lays out for Damona that “they’re getting really clear on what they want, what makes sense for them, what they have to offer, and getting rid of the stories in their head… “In my program, we’re really taking the steps to get you in that ideal place and to get really clear on what you want. And part of that is asking, what kind of relationship do you think is going to work for you?” 

Damona brings up a recent article in the New York Times, about the relationship concept of “living apart together,” where couples don’t necessarily need to live together in the same space, or even the same country, to be together long-term. This idea totally aligns with Deb’s philosophy of leaving conventional relationship models behind.  She says that “designer relationships” (meaning you forge your own relationship model) are becoming more common. “We’ve all gotten very used to video chatting whether we wanted to or not these last couple years, including planning a virtual date –  you can still do that with a partner that’s far away.” 

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Deb does note that designer relationships do take a bit more intentionality and emotional intelligence to really make them work, since the distance makes it necessary to communicate more and keep checking in. But if we have the capacity to create the life we want, why wouldn’t we have the power to create the relationship we want in the same way?

(22:52) The feminine and the masculine:  Along with goals and values, people’s exploration of gender roles and identities have been expanding as well. Deb believes that letting go of traditional gender dynamics is also key to attracting a match who will like you for your authentic self.

Deb goes on to say that many of her male clients identify or lean towards demisexual, meaning they need the emotional connection before they can get intimate with someone. But because society has told them that prioritizing emotion invalidates their masculinity, it’s hard to let that authentic part of themselves thrive. 

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Deb continues, “one thing I say often when that subject comes up is, if women were all feminine all the time, and men were all masculine all the time, the men would beat each other up and kill each other, and the women would be in puddles on the floor crying.  We all have to balance both of these things all the time… to say that just because you were born a certain way, you therefore have to have these characteristics, is ridiculous.” 

Bottom line: we have more freedom now than ever to explore what feels authentic to us. So take advantage of the opportunity, and don’t be afraid to listen to your gut.

(27:20) Turning up the heat:

Damona adds, “I believe there’s value in understanding the various parts of ourselves. And sometimes we need to turn up the volume on certain parts. And sometimes we need to turn down the volume on others.” 

For instance, if you decide to go on a lunch date during your work day, your mind would most likely still be in work mode. You might be thinking about what you will have to go back to. Although this is technically presenting an authentic part of yourself, it’s not ideal when you’re getting to know a potential partner.

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So, If you have to make the transition from work to a date, Deb recommends having a jam song that you can sing at the top of your lungs beforehand (even if it’s in the car on the way there). On top of that, Deb suggests changing one thing about your appearance – maybe take a tie off or change your shirt, or put on your best lipstick and jewelry. Both of these tips help your brain to recognize that you’re shifting into a different mode of energy.

(29:19) Bound and gagged by Christianity:

Deb’s book, Bound and Gagged by Christianity, is all about navigating her own path of life and love after leaving her fundamentalist Christian Church. Deb recounts getting married very young at 23 years old, and that this marriage was sort of an arranged marriage.  She explained that in her community,  you didn’t really date anyone unless you thought that you were going to marry them. 

Divorce was also a concept that the church thoroughly rejected. “It took my ex-husband being really bold and brave to say, you know, we just can’t keep on. And I’m grateful for that, actually, because I decided that I could redesign my life.” 

Another thought remained in Deb’s head after her divorce – “Gosh, I’d really like to have sex”. Her strict upbringing had prevented Deb from exploring her sexuality.  Her husband was the only person she had ever been intimate with. She needed to unlearn the stories the Church had taught her about purity and consent. Doing this for herself led Deb to her current religion, which is the religion of love. 

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Check out all of the dating help Deb offers, plus more info on private coaching, on her website https://www.kissofperspective.com/.

 

DEAR DAMONA (37:12)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

 

• Email from S – Hi Damona. My question for you is, when is the best time to come forward and tell a man that I’m Dyslexic? It’s no joke, it’s been a struggle my whole life. I’m no dummy but just a slow reader and an awful speller (thank God for spell-check and audiobooks). I am a professional Esthetician and have been self employed for 20 years. I know how to work around it and most of my clients don’t have a clue, but when it comes to an intimate relationship I can’t hide it. I feel like I’ve explored every option – not telling is definitely a bad idea, but telling too soon can be a slippery slope. I’ve never been married and I always feel like this Dyslexia has put off some dates & a couple of ex-boyfriends. I would love to meet a man that will be understanding and patient. I took the last two years off after a ugly breakup and now I feel like trying. At 51, I have shied away from starting any dating apps because of setting up my online profile and fast past of texting.

Email from N – What if you connected on your first date, and then spent the night together? At 50 I feel old enough to make a decision like this. Is it bad to not slow down? Does it always blow the relationship? What’s the statistic? What’s a good timeline and what do you say to that person?

DAMONA’S DEALS

• Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
• Click here to try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit!

Are you ready for a powerful conversation?

We have an exciting interview with a TikTok star who may have predicted her own wedding in a video. The inspirational Alexa Carlin is here today to tell us about how she cheated death at the age of 21 and the lessons from her harrowing experience that prepared her for success in love and life.

DATING DISH (2:15)

(2:15) Crushin’ on your coworker:This Forbes article reported on a new study finding that 50% of US workers have a crush on a co-worker, and 33% are currently involved in a workplace romance. And get this – that 33% is 6% higher than before the pandemic.

Two things are happening here. One, we’ve become used to talking to people digitally, and become more skillful at expressing ourselves over text and video chat. Two, people aren’t under the watchful eye of Big Brother. So, there is more freedom to pursue a playful workplace romance.

But even as work relationships are coming back, is it still worth risking everything you’ve worked for to date that person? D’s take is that even though working from home makes the rules feel more flexible, it’s still important to consider the pros and cons when pursuing any kind of relationship at work.

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(7:01) Could TikTok be your new matchmaker?

Turns out online dating doesn’t just have to happen through a dating app or website. The Cut recently published an article redefining online dating as any space online where you can connect with others. Because of Covid lockdowns, social activity (including dating) has increasingly funneled into platforms like Twitter, TikTok, and Instagram.

On the one hand, dating apps increase your odds of meeting someone because people go on them with the purpose of meeting someone. But when you are using alternative platforms to make a connection, you start building off of a foundation of some sort of commonality (versus on dating apps, where you are self-starting a conversation).

For instance, the article featured a couple that met because this guy is a musician who used to play on TikTok, and the algorithm was like the matchmaker that recommended him to her. What’s also empowering about this approach, is that you get to self-report what you are about and what’s important to you.

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If you are eager to start experimenting with online dating, offline of the apps, then Damona has some hot tips for you:

• If you’ve just discovered someone you want to DM, make the connection in the public space before transitioning to DMs. Otherwise, this can come off as creepy. Establishing connection and commonality will also give you something to comment on later in the DM.
• If they have a private account, being active in the public space will make your DM request more likely to be accepted. On a lot of platforms, being openly active in the community will keep the algorithm from seeing your DM as suspicious, and your message won’t be left unread for weeks or months.

ALEXA CARLIN (13:40)

Alexa Carlin is a public speaker and TV personality who has been featured on the Oprah Winfrey Network, FOX, ABC, CBS and TEDx. She is the founder and CEO of Women Empower X (WEX), and the author of “Adaptable: How to Lead with Curiosity, Pivot with Purpose, and Thrive through Change”.

Alexa credits her success and the community she has created to surviving a near death experience. She came out of a medically induced coma after being incredibly ill at 19 years old.  She had been given only a 1% chance to live.

Hers is a powerful story, and you can feel Alexa’s power when she speaks.

(15:11) How Alexa met her man:

Here’s how it happened: Alexa was headed to a speaking gig in 2019, when her flight was delayed and she was left sitting in an airport. She had recently deleted all the dating apps on her phone, feeling kind of overwhelmed with the online dating scene.

During her wait, Alexa opened her phone to find that she had forgotten to delete one last dating app. Out of boredom she opened the app, and the first profile looking back at her was her future fiancé, Colby.

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Alexa remembers what caught her attention about Colby’s profile, and what led her to swiping right. First, one of Colby’s pics was of him and his mom – Alexa wanted a partner who was super family oriented. And second, she was struck by the answers to the questions on his profile. One said that his goal is to retire by a certain age (which told Alexa that he’s driven), and he was into similar hobbies as hers like tech and finance.

Alexa also mentions how she felt something more intuitive – “His pictures were not trying to look a certain way. I think it was more the energy I felt from him on this app that just spoke to me.”

(18:38) What was the moment?:

Damona asks Alexa that age-old question – what was the moment she knew she wanted to be with him for the rest of her life? Alexa remembers one moment roughly four months into dating her fiancé in 2019.

She was hosting a conference for her business Women Empower X, which helps women entrepreneurs grow their businesses. This was the first time that Colby had come to the event with her, along with the rest of her family.

Alexa remembers watching Colby man the merch table, while chatting with her grandma pretty much the whole day. “And I looked at him and I just felt this overwhelming feeling that I am so in love with him, and he’s the man that I want to marry. Because at this moment, it was the first time in my entire life that someone meant more to me than my business.”

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(21:47) Nice-to-haves vs must-haves:

Alexa lists the three things that she believes helped her find her person.

• She let go of the thought that she couldn’t have both a demanding career and a relationship. She thought about all the powerhouse women in the world who have both, and told herself “if Beyoncé can do it, then I can find a way.”
• Alexa opened up about having an autoimmune disease. In college, Alexa had a near death experience that left her in a coma. After being diagnosed with this debilitating autoimmune disease, she remembers thinking “how am I going to find love? Because at any moment, my autoimmune can flare up.” With her fiancé Colby, she made the change of being open about her disease right from the start – and evidently this made the difference. Opening up to Colby in this way taught Alexa that your partner may never understand exactly what you’re going through, but what matters is if they can be empathetic and compassionate, and just be there for you.
• She wrote down her list of relationship non-negotiables. One thing Alexa noticed while writing her list, is that a lot of her supposed must-haves were more like “nice-to-haves.” For example, she first wrote down that she wanted to be with someone that was well-traveled and had all these cool experiences. But what she more realistically wanted was someone that would want to travel with her for work.

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(26:00) This may be your last first date:

Damona brings up a TikTok Alexa made in the Summer of 2019, literally RIGHT before her first date with Colby. Alexa’s grandmother would always say “put your lipstick on, maybe today’s the day that you meet that person.” So in the video, Alexa states very optimistically “you never know, this may be my last first date!”

Not only did the date go well, but they ended up closing down the restaurant before even ordering their food. “So right away, I knew I wanted to go on a second date, because we had so much to talk about.”

(29:59) Let’s pivot with purpose:

Things come into your life that you can’t control, so how do you keep on going and not give up? That’s the whole purpose of Alexa’s book, Adaptable. In the same way that we’ve seen ourselves adapt to a new normal amidst Covid, being adaptable is an important quality in your relationships or when you are growing as an individual.

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Alexa recounts that when she had her near-death experience, she ended up in a dark place struggling to find the hope to keep her going, now that she had been diagnosed with this lifelong disease. Eventually she came upon a new perspective – if hope isn’t possible, maybe she could exchange hope with curiosity.

Becoming avidly curious about what may happen if you don’t give up, or if you go on one more date, is enough to push you through your most challenging moments. Alexa adds, “I believe our obstacles can do one of two things, they can hold us back or fuel us forward. And the beautiful thing about that is the choice is always up to you.”

 

Grab a copy of Adaptable: How to Lead with Curiosity, Pivot with Purpose, and Thrive through Change here.

And listen to more of Alexa in “The Alexa Rose Show” on the Callin App.

DEAR DAMONA (34:51)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

• IG Message from Mo – Hi Damona! I love your podcast and I’ve been binging from as far back as Google podcasts would let me go. I have a question: what’s your take on empty bios on swipe apps? Especially if they have a bunch of pics that fulfill your 3 C’s. I’ve seen a lot of guys will have empty bios, minimal bios or just put their height. What do you think? Should I just swipe left on these guys?
• Email from Sarah – Love the podcast, thanks for all of your thoughts and insights. I have a really hard time with the emailing that happens between the initial phone call and the first date when meeting through an app. “Good morning,” “Happy Tuesday,” “Hope you had a great day,” and the list could go on for miles… To me these little bids are pseudo intimacy and annoyances. I do not work the kind of job where I can be on my personal phone all day. I have had the experience where a connection has gone sour while my phone is not even with me during my workday because of his expectations of texts. Even if I could text all day I do not want to until after I have actually met someone and know if I want to create a closer connection. Is this just a part of app dating that I have to change my mindset around and learn to get into this? Or is there a better way? Would love to hear your thoughts.

DAMONA’S DEALS

• Download the OkCupid Dating App for free today!
• Get 10% off your first month of online therapy with BetterHelp by visiting BetterHelp.com/DatesandMates
• Try Damona’s free First Date Starter Kit at DatesandMates.com

I probably don’t have to tell you this, but we are officially less than a week away from Valentine’s Day. And so to wish you a very happy almost-Valentine’s day, whether you’re single or coupled, I bring you our Valentine’s Day Special.

Today we are joined by Access Hollywood’s own Mario Lopez and his lovely wife Courtney Lopez, who will tell us the secret to their long-lasting love. There will be a lot of laughs, a lot of heart, and a few embarrassing details that I didn’t see coming.

Then I will answer your most asked Valentine’s Day questions, like how to celebrate on a budget and how to snag a last minute Valentine.

ROMANCE ROLLBACK (1:52)

I’m bringing back an oldie but a goodie segment – The Romance Rollback, where I tell you of love customs from a bygone era. What is the history and meaning behind Valentine’s Day?  From Cupid to St. Valentine to Hallmark, it can be difficult to separate facts from legend. Here’s why February 14th looms so large on our calendars and in our hearts.

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(2:10) The history of our beloved V-day:

Turns out Valentine’s Day goes all the way back to the Third Century, when the Roman Empire ruled the world. (For those of you who don’t have math brains, that’s 200 to 300 AD.) Let me tell you the story of these two saints, both named St. Valentine.

Both Saint Valentines performed heroic acts that made them martyrs within the Christian religion. The name “Valentine’s Day” probably comes from one or both of them. Buuut their stories didn’t end all that romantically – one of these saints performed illegal marriages of young couples, and the other preached Christianity before it was legal. So both saints were beheaded by the Romans.

Once the Romans lost power and Christianity took over, they were like, “You know what? Remember those St. Valentine’s guys? Let’s celebrate them, AND celebrate these marriages AND celebrate Christianity. Let’s make February 14th Saint Valentine’s Day, and we can actually celebrate the way we want to celebrate.”  And St. Valentine’s Day was born!

(3:32) More to the story?:

February 14th was a major holiday celebrated by the Romans every year to honor Juno, the goddess of marriage. The Juno Celebration included a big feast to recognize health and fertility, and young men would draw the name of a woman who they would then escort to the festival.

In the Middle Ages, people believed Feb 14th was the date that birds chose their mates. Additionally, it was also believed that if you met or dreamed about someone on this day, they could be your true love.

(5:00) Here comes commercialism:

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Now we take a turn towards our modern-day version of Valentine’s Day. Let’s look at the timeline:

• 1600s in England and other parts of Western Europe: The custom became to send romantic messages to your Beloved.
• 1800s: People started sending official Valentine greetings comics to their loved ones. Sometimes the messages were a little offensive, maybe a little off color. These messages got so cheeky and lit, that the post office stopped sending them.
• Late 1800s: After the Civil War, V-day became a major celebration in the United States, surpassed only by Christmas (the other super commercialized holiday).
• Also late 1800s: Businesses began printing and selling pre-written Valentine’s Day messages.  People started giving candy and flowers as gifts or taking their partner on a romantic getaway.

(5:00) The modern-day myth of Valentine’s Day:

Now that Valentine’s Day isn’t really a religious holiday anymore, we get to CHOOSE how we want to celebrate. Even though our modern society puts so much emphasis on Valentine’s Day, it doesn’t have to hold the meaning that Hershey’s Valentine’s boxes lead you to believe.

The Goddess Juno tells us to focus on health and fertility. So maybe for you it’s not about the baby kind of fertility, but what you can grow in your life. Think about the ancient Romans – when you plant the seeds in fertile ground right now, who knows what can grow in the next season of your life? So let’s take St. Valentine’s Day, and expand its celebration to include our health and having a healthy relationship with ourselves (plus our partner).

 

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MARIO & COURTNEY (8:30)

My guests today are Mario and Courtney Lopez! Mario is an actor, author, and television and radio host. He currently hosts Access Hollywood, Access Daily and co-hosts the radio show On With Mario with Courtney. He has also appeared on Broadway, authored several books, and he recently opened the restaurant Tortas Lopez.

Courtney is a singer, dancer, actress and she has also appeared on Broadway.  In fact, the couple met in 2008 in the revival Broadway production of A Chorus Line. They married in 2012 and today they have three beautiful children. In addition to hearing her on the iHeart radio show On with Mario, you can often find her guest co-hosting on NBC’s Access Daily, where we all first met.

(10:15) Mario & Courtney’s Love Story:

• D: I want to hear more about your love story. So take me back to 2008. It’s Broadway, A Chorus Line. You’re in the show, Mario, and so are you Courtney. How did the two of you meet?

• • C: I was in the show prior to him joining the show. I left, and ended up coming back for the last couple months. And I remember the day, June 23 or something. Stage left, wing one. And I remember meeting him (he was stretching), and we just met that day. Plus, his assistant in the musical was one of my good friends.
  • M: He said, “Hey, there’s this girl coming to the show that I think you’re gonna like.”

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• D: The last time that I was on Access Daily, I remember there was some mix up with your first date? (11:20)

• • C: Yes! It was after a show, and usually the show doesn’t end until close to 11. He was running late because he had to go have drinks with Katie Couric. And it was a business thing. It was late, so I went home. How long was I going to wait for him, till two in the morning?
  • M: It wasn’t my fault, Katie wanted to party. So I had to put in some work to get another opportunity.
  • C: You know, maybe it would have been the end had we not been working together. But because I saw him every day and he was very persistent, very charming and very sweet, I gave him a second chance. We all deserve second chances.

(12:27) Rom-com recs & 20 Questions:

• D: What rom-coms are you both into?

• • M: The ones from like yesteryear strike a chord with me – You’ve Got Mail, Sleepless in Seattle, Fools Rush In.
  • C: I like all those movies you mentioned, but my go-to’s usually have a comedy twist in it. Movies where they have a lot of speed bumps before getting together, like Along Came Polly with Ben Stiller.

• D: Which one of you is the better listener? (13:53)

• • C: Me. It could be said so nonchalantly, and I remember what people say.

• D: What is your partner’s oddest habit? (14:36)

• • M: Her snoring. You wouldn’t expect such a big sound out of someone so cute, but what happens every night is she snores loud, and then she falls asleep quickly.
  • C: Breaking wind, wherever he is. We could be with the President and he would break wind.

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• D: Describe your sex life in two words? (15:57)

• • M: It’s. Great.
  • C: Non-stop. (Non-stop fun.) And, we have door locks.
  • M: We learned the hard way.  I think being spontaneous makes it a lot of fun. Quick little getaways, even a day or two. You gotta carve out the time.

• D: When did you know that you two were in love? (17:10)

• • M: It’s funny because it wasn’t like I thought anything was ever going to come of it. She was in New York, I was in LA. I had done the long distance thing before. The reality was the odds were against us. So I just tried to enjoy our time while we were together.
  • M: And then over the summer, she started to come out and visit me for like a day or so, for 24 hours. One day I told her, “Okay, I’ll take care of your apartment for like three months if you want to hang out here this summer. And at any point you don’t like me or think I’m crazy, you can go back.” And then she never left.
  • M: It just kind of felt very natural and seamless. But I think the most important thing was that the timing was right. That’s why I say timing is always more important than even the person at times. Because you can have an incredible person, but if the timing is not right in your life, I don’t think it can work.

• D: Do you believe in soulmates? And are they predestined or made? (18:48)

• • C: I can’t see myself with anybody else. I don’t ever want to see myself with anybody else. I can’t even imagine my life with anybody else. So to me, he is my soulmate. Were we meant to be? I think so.
  • M: I think things happen for a reason, and I try to surrender things according to God’s plan. If it’s meant to be, you pick up the signs. Then you’re sort of in charge of your own destiny that way, and it sort of manifested itself. There was an easy flow from one step to the next, and I think that’s how it should be.

• D: What advice do you have for younger couples? (19:57)

• • M: I firmly believe that as long as you work on yourself and try to be the best version of yourself, then the timing will sort of present itself. And that’s a constant process. You want to have the best version of yourself ready when you do meet that certain someone.

• D: Which one of you is more romantic? (20:16)

• • C: Mario, he’s pretty romantic.

• D: Any last words? (21:08)
  • M: I don’t break anything!! That’s another thing is to keep laughing.  It keeps things healthy and fun.  It keeps the spark alive.

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DEAR DAMONA (VALENTINE’s EDITION) (23:05)

Submit your questions on  Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

(23:05) Dear Damona: I don’t have a lot of extra money to spend on Valentine’s Day. How can I still make it special?

We’ve got to get creative here. And to be honest, I think it makes for a much more special Valentine’s Day if you are doing something that is meaningful to you and your partner, not just going to a restaurant because that’s what you think you’re supposed to do. You can still make Valentine’s Day Special, if you’d like for it to be. Here are my top DIY-date ideas:

1. Go on a Nostalgia Date (23:53)

I’ve discovered that sharing stories and evoking the memories of a happy time in your past can really build a deep intimate connection with your partner. Open up old photo albums and take a walk down memory lane, or try an activity that you used to do together to bring back bonding memories. This date can really help you if you feel a little bit distant from your partner and you want to reconnect.

2. Homemade Planetarium (24:39)

If you’re stuck at home and you don’t have a lot of money or you can’t get out, go stand outside and look up at the sky. I will admit that I’m a bit nerdy, but isn’t it romantic to stargaze? Think about the ancient Romans and Juno and St. Valentine when they had the stars at their fingertips, or pretend like you’re kids and bundle yourself up and cuddle up outside.

I just downloaded this app called Sky View Lite, which will overlay the constellations onto the sky for you. This date is perfect for curious couples who want to observe the little things that we often overlook.

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3. Blindfolded Trust Walk (25:30)

This is such a great way to build intimacy. When you take away one of your senses, all your other senses get heightened. And also, when your partner has total trust and control, this can create a different dynamic between the two of you. But you have to communicate.

You can take turns leading one another through the house, and make sure that your partner is not going to trip and fall and hurt themselves. This date is transformational for anyone who has experienced a breach of trust in their relationship or feels they are growing apart.

4. Cook a Meal Together at Home (26:43)

Preparing a meal together fosters important relationship skills including patience and communication. You have to work together to make sure you are pacing the meal correctly. And in the end, you get to enjoy something that you made together.

My husband and I are long-time fans of box meal kits – your recipe items come pre-portioned and ready to cook. Most meal kits require you to order by midweek for the following week so be sure to plan ahead (this could even build excitement and anticipation for the date). This date works best if you’ve had miscommunication in your relationship and need to work on compromise.

5. Sip and Paint Night (27:50)

Have you allowed yourself to be artistic and playful lately? Order art supplies for delivery, then pour yourself and your boo a glass of wine. You can even recycle those old Amazon boxes for a creative mixed media masterpiece. This date is wonderful for couples who feel caught up in the pressure of their day-to-day routine and need to relax and find more levity in their relationship.

6. Play Never Have I Ever (28:30)

After many years it sometimes feels like you know everything about your partner. Yet a game of Never Have I Ever can reveal your deepest secrets in a playful way, or perhaps give you ideas for a post-quarantine bucket list? This date is for those who are looking to rediscover magic and curiosity in a long-term relationship.

7. Laugh Together (28:45)

My single clients all say they’re seeking someone with a sense of humor. Sharing a laugh bonds two people, plus smiling can actually improve your mood physiologically. Stream your favorite comedy special, or play a round of “make me laugh” and find your silly side. This date is for anyone who has been feeling depressed or disconnected from their loved one.

8. Listen To Music Together. (29:29)

A University of Cambridge study revealed that music can build empathy, a vital element of successful relationships. Take yourself back to a simpler time by sitting down at the piano together or putting on a record. Catch a live-streaming concert, or have a battle of your favorite singers online. This date works for couples who are overwhelmed by the pace of life and are craving a simpler date, or those who want to develop more compassion for one another.

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(30:33) Dear Damona: I don’t have a valentine yet. Is it too late? Should I just give up?

No, never give up on love. This doesn’t mean you always have to be in the pursuit of a relationship. But there is nothing wrong with being in the pursuit of a relationship, if that’s something that you want. Here’s the deal – you’ve got less than a week left. It’s not too late, but you gotta step on it. Let me tell you the quickest ways to make a connection this week:

1. Singles Events (31:11)

There’s a ton of singles activities happening both offline and online, because we know people are thinking about Valentine’s Day right now. Go on Eventbrite, or the events website Fever Up. I guarantee you if you just sit at home and wait for the invitations to roll in, it ain’t gonna happen. So check out what is happening, and make a plan.

2. Start Swiping (31:39)

There’s no faster way to find a date than your favorite dating app. Profiles take less than 5 minutes to create and you’ll have an entire dating pool at your fingertips.

And if you need help in a pinch, check out my Free Profile Starter Kit. My tip is to make sure you send outgoing messages once you match (women too). Over 70% of matches never turn into dates, so you have to be proactive to make sure you don’t get lost in the shuffle.

Send a lot more messages, and let go of the outcome. We’re still in peak dating season, so there are always new people cycling through the apps. Don’t give up!

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3. Enlist Your Friends for Help (32:50)

There’s so much shame around singlehood and that doesn’t serve you at all. Ask your friends and other people in your Connectors Circle for an introduction to someone with the qualities you’re looking for.  Be specific and be bold.

4. Slide into those DM’s (33:35)

Honestly, I’d be willing to bet that at some point in the future, Instagram will grow into one of the biggest online dating venues. If you see someone you like that is commenting on one of your friends posts, go ahead and send them a DM. This also applies to Facebook groups and may be a bit easier, because you can get into more of a conversation. But then follow up with a message, follow up with a friend request. You never know where it might lead.

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Today we’re going to do something a little different. I’m bringing back one of my favorite Dates & Mates masterclasses. Only the latest 100 episodes are available on our feed so I brought this out of the vault just for your listening pleasure. We’re going to talk about something that is really integral to my practice as a dating coach – how to develop better habits in dating, right in time for the new year.

BUT FIRST!

This episode is brought to you by my Dating Accelerator Program – the new and improved 10-week version of my most popular group coaching program is launching in January! If you’re ready to date differently in 2022, but you don’t know how to get started, then The Dating Accelerator could be your solution.

Early bird enrollment is open NOW through December 31st, and regular admission starts the first of the year. You can Find out more about The Dating Accelerator at damonahoffman.com/program

THE MASTERCLASS (1:20)

In this rapidly-evolving world of dating, I often see daters operating by old dating rules and not evolving with the dating climate. Many of my clients come to me feeling stuck in what I call a “samskara.” This is essentially a pattern or habit, something that becomes ingrained in you from doing it over and over again. There are both positive samskaras, such as consistently going to the gym, and negative samskaras – the difference is the negative ones hold you back, because these patterns keep attracting the things you don’t want. And as far as dating, the negative samskaras are more common than you think. I’m here to tell you the 8 most common bad dating habits that are preventing you from getting what you want.

I want to be clear. The purpose of this episode is not to shame you, because we all have patterns that need to be changed. But the first step in solving a problem is recognizing the problem, and the next step is putting a plan in action to change it. So I challenge you to change your negative samskaras. So if any of these bad dating habits sound like you, I’m here to tell you how you can fix them.

1. Ghosting. No one wants to be ghosted; but almost everyone does it, and then we make excuses why the other person deserved to be ghosted or didn’t deserve our time. 
   • How to fix it: If you are tired of getting ghosted, you first have to identify where you are ghosting in your own life. This could be through work emails that you think are unimportant, or from people on dating apps that you aren’t attracted to. When you treat others with respect in all settings, you encourage those around you to do the same. Plus, you will communicate more effectively so you don’t get left back in that void.
2. Obligaswiping. I talked about this trend on the podcast a while back, but it is becoming more and more common today. Basically, “obligaswiping” is when you have a dating app installed that you hate, but you feel obligated to go on it and swipe anyway. If you swipe without any intention, you are wasting your time and depleting the energy you have to date.
   • How to fix it: Delete any app that is not bringing you joy or quality dates. Additionally, only swipe on people that you could actually see yourself dating. Remember – don’t aim for high volume, aim for real connections.
3. First date fails.
   • No pre-dating. A lot of people go on reaaally long and draining first dates with someone they’ve really had no contact with prior to the in-person date. Save your time – do a pre-date call! Just a 10-20 min call before the in-person date will let you know if there’s actually any chemistry.
   • Not showing up your best. This may come from burnout, or not wanting to look like you’re trying too hard. But you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. So on every first date, put yourself together the way you want to be seen.
4. The “said-it and forget-it” profile. Some people complain about the difficulty of dating apps, but at the same time have not changed their profile in a significant amount of time or are using old photos. Your profile is a living document, it changes as you change. Your profile should always be a reflection of your current self, and your current relationship goals.
   • How to fix it: Refresh your profile every 1-2 months, plus this will help boost your profile to the top of the algorithm.
5. The texting trap. Texting is not a chemistry builder – it’s a chemistry blocker. Some people think they should spend a lot of time texting before meeting in person, so you can build a rapport together. But when you finally meet IRL, the person you were texting doesn’t seem at all like their virtual self (maybe the banter isn’t as fluid in person, or there isn’t any chemistry).
   • How to fix it: You cannot thoroughly vet a match through text. Instead, set up a call or FaceTime beforehand (as mentioned above), or try to move offline quickly to see if your connection is sustainable in person.
6. Being afraid of starting over. A lot of people stay in relationships that are not healthy, or that they know are not right for them, because they are afraid of starting over.
   • How to fix it: Think of it this way – it’s your destiny to find someone who is your best possible match, as well it is for the other person. So if you’re staying together because of convenience or fear of being alone, you’re blocking two people from their destiny. Plus, with new beginnings comes a whole array of possibilities.
7. Negative self-talk. Do you know that voice that keeps telling you stories about why you must still be single? Yeah, it’s your own mind. And no matter why that voice is telling you those stories, it isn’t doing you any favors.
   • How to fix it: Start by rewriting your mental mantra about love.  When you put that negative mantra to bed, you’ll be able to see your current reality and all the possibilities ahead more clearly. And the more you repeat this new phrase, the more you will believe it.
8. You don’t have a dating plan. Do you believe that love is meant to find you, that romance will just magically happen? Well snap out of it, because this is a myth! Instead when you put a plan in place, the same way you make a plan for anything else in life, you are more likely to get what you want.
   • How to fix it: Get into a program, or get an accountability partner. Do something proactive that puts you on a path to finding love, and see if that changes your outcome.

Speaking of a plan>>>>

This is a 10 week online program based upon the same system I’ve used successfully with hundreds of private clients distilled to easy to follow self-led materials that you can watch, listen, and read on your time, plus live group sessions with me.

Peak dating season begins the first Sunday of the year. January is the time when the biggest number of singles hop on the apps in hopes of finding their person. So we are kicking off this round of The Dating Accelerator in January so I can walk you step by step through my tried and true plan for dating.

It can feel really out of control to date without a plan, without a system. So that’s why I’ve done all the work for you. I’ve laid out all the steps to follow in a simple to follow program. In 30 minutes or less a week, you can shift how you feel about yourself, your outlook on dating and most importantly, your relationship status.

You are pre-qualified to register for this program because I know if you’re here you are ready for a big change in your life in 2022.

Early bird enrollment is open through December 31 only for a very special $300 discounted rate at – DamonaHoffman.com/program. And payment plans are available.

If you are a single person of any gender or orientation who:

• needs a mind, body, and spiritual reset on dating
• Or if you’re feeling isolated coming out of the pandemic and are looking to connect
• Who thrives in a group environment with supportive like-minded people
• And you want NOW to be your time – the time you finally meet your person

Then you are invited to accelerate your love life, improve your dating confidence, shortcut disappointment, and attract a deeper, more fulfilling relationship.

Early bird enrollment at a $300 discount is only available until December 31st only at DamonaHoffman.com/program so don’t let this opportunity pass you by.

Early birds get early access to our member Facebook community where you can start talking to each other and getting dating advice immediately. 

This is the best deal on the Dating Accelerator that will be offered this year.

You’re invited to join at DamonaHoffman.com/group