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Dear Damona: Quarantine Love Questions

LOVE LOCKDOWN

For the past 2 months, my DMs have been flooded with your questions about love in the time of coronavirus. They have been coming in so fast that I’ve barely been able to keep up and of course the situation has been changing moment to moment.

So today’s special episode of Dates & Mates is 100% dedicated to answering your specific corona love questions.

So this week we’re answering some listener questions!

DEAR DAMONA

Damona answers listener questions about love and dating in this unprecedented time. She gives advice on:

What to do when you’re engaged but have never spent this much time together? (4:45)

Hi Damona, this is Patty. I’m based in Atlanta, Georgia. And I just had a question for you. So I have been with my fiance for the past month almost three years, which is great. We’re actually supposed to get married this Summer but we’re going to have to reschedule. So that’s not fun. But the most interesting thing about these last six months weeks of working from home together. We just never spent that much time together before good thing is we still like each other. We still want to get married and we’ve not had too many major issues. But I just want to make sure that we’re taking care of each other and giving each other our space and I guess my real question is how do we make sure we don’t go and say nor into big fights and give each other space during this time because we love each other, but we just spending so much time together. So that’s my question.

How to keep moving towards marriage in a pandemic? (9:15)

Lockdown occurred 5 months into us dating. We FaceTime a lot and it’s going great! I want to define the relationship but the timing of this is a bit extreme since we haven’t seen each other in person in many weeks. How do I stay the course and keep the romantic relationship moving towards marriage coming out of a pandemic?

How do you break up during quarantine? (12:00)

How do you break up during this Quarantine? Or do you just let it ride till we are out of this?

When is it okay to move from sexting to sex in a pandemic? (14:20)

Is it ok to do an in-person date after getting tested negative for corona?

Can healthcare workers even date right now? (19:40)

I’m an RN and I’m volunteering to go to NYC to help the crisis. Being sent in a week. I should probably just assume I’m not gonna be dating anyone for a while considering I’ll still have a 2 week quarantine even after I’m done, right?

What are the best apps to meet right now? (21:35)

Now that all of us in America and Europe are stuck at home, what are the best apps or ways to virtually meet people around the world?

How not to lean too much on your partner for emotional support? (24:20)

What are fair expectations to have? What is the appropriate way to deal with not seeing your partner for like..months or potentially longer? I also feel like its so easy to put more emotional weight on your partner when you are more isolated from other friends/emotional supports and I want to know about ways to mitigate that impulse

How will coronavirus change dating forever? (27:40)

Do you think Coronavirus and confinement will change the way we date deeply? I believe being reminded collectively that we can all be sick and we will all die can push us towards more meaningful connections but is this naive?

DID YOU HEAR THE GOOD NEWS?

Do you want to hear more about Shannon and Mel’s Quarantine Love Success? Read all about it here! Shannon and her man give us the CUTEST quarantine date idea.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Unknown Speaker 0:00

What does his text me so frustrated? He’s just not that into me. I’ve always been bad for attention. I’m ready for

Damona 0:12

modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello lovers. Welcome to dates in mates. You know for the past two months, my DMS have been flooded with questions about love in the time of Coronavirus. They have been coming in so fast and so furious that I’ve barely been able to keep up and of course the situation has been changing moment to moment. So today, we have a special deer damona episode that is 100% dedicated to answering your specific korona love questions before we get to tackling the challenges. I’d like to start off with a quarantine love success story from one of our listeners Shannon. after a breakup. She attended my 30 day dating playbook webinar in January and found love soon after. Here’s her story.

Unknown Speaker 1:06

Normally I’m pretty picky about like distance. So I normally kind of do the whole five left like nope, nope, nope, too far no piece too short. Nope. I mean, I listened to your podcast and I was laughing like, that’s kind of me. I kind of go through that and don’t even really dig deeper because the superficial stuff. So this time around, I was like, Okay, I need to listen to the voice I’ve been hearing from damona. And so this guy pops up. So I messaged him and so we started chatting and just kind of hit it off and he’s lived an hour away. But I thought you know what he needed to be open minded to go for this. And instantly he was had great questions. He was interested in me he was like, if he remembered things he’d ask me a question and then you know, the next day he might remember what he asked me the day before and check in on me and just really was just all around proving to me quickly that he was pretty amazing. We went out on a Tuesday and We did the whole phone call first because I know that’s a big thing too. I was like, okay, gotta do the phone call before we leave here. So all this was like, right smack before, you know all the quarantine stuff. And so we had planned to see each other again on March 15. Our plan was I was going to go to where he lives and I was going to come and see him for the day. Well, that Friday was when they shut everything down. From then on. We’ve just had these like quarantine pipes at home, get to know you fast forward. No clutter, no people around kind of experience. And I know there’s probably a little bit of pros and cons with that. I think I’m typically kind of a fast relationship person, I need people and it kind of goes too fast and we get to know each other and the kids are involved in the families involved in a big ordeal. But this time, it went fast in a way that was just he and I like totally getting to know each other totally, you know Trying to figure out okay, well we’re gonna hang out for the next three days. What should we do? Like we can’t go anywhere. We can’t go to restaurants we can’t go to the movies like we can’t go to bars like we would typically do on a date. And so you know, we went on hike, and we took the dog for a walk and we ordered food in and we played cars, we played dominoes, we put a puzzle together and we cook together I bought a smashing little aprons and we cook together. And we were just kind of doing what we could do is what we had. And in the meantime, when we weren’t seeing each other, it was kind of funny because I have it on my phone. So we have this whole list in our in our notes on our phone that we’ve shared, of all the things we want to do when everything opens up because we’ve now said I love you. We’ve now like fully committed to each other and all of a sudden is debt. But yet I’ve never been to the movie with him. I’ve never been really in a bar with him. We haven’t done any Have those traditional things that you would do? Yeah, it’s been pretty interesting. And we’ve spent the time away from each other really digging deep and getting to know each other and like there’s definitely been a lot of God signs where we are things that just prove that okay, maybe maybe this is the one I’ve finally been waiting for.

Damona 4:15

Shannon also told us about an adorable quarantine date that they had. You can listen to it and see pictures of Shannon and her man on the blog at dates and mates calm. If you need a sweet date idea or you’re craving a romantic story. This is it my friends, check it out at dates and maids calm. Hopefully you find Shannon’s story as inspiring as I do. I want that same happy ending for you too. But I know you have a lot of questions right now. So it’s time to get to the heart of the matter and see what’s on your mind.

Unknown Speaker 4:48

Hi, Damona This is Patti. I’m based in Atlanta, Georgia, and I just had a question for you. So I have been with my fiance for the past. almost three years, which is great. We’re actually supposed to get married this summer, but we’re gonna have to reschedule. So that’s not fun. But the most interesting thing about these last six weeks of working from home together, is we just never spent that much time together before. Good thing is we still like each other, we still want to get married. And we’ve not had too many major issues. But I just want to make sure that we’re taking care of each other and giving each other space. And I guess my real question is, how do we make sure we don’t go insane or get into big fights? And give each other space during this time? Because we love each other, but we just spending so much time together.

Damona 5:44

Patti, first of all, I want to say congratulations on your marriage, your upcoming marriage. And also, I’m really sorry, there are so many big life events that are being canceled right now. And it does require us to take some time. to mourn that loss like so I’m sure that that is an element that is also affecting the interactions with your partner right now. So maybe just even give yourselves this time if you haven’t talked about it, to really let your feelings out over the fact that you can’t have the wedding that you wanted to have right now. Now, that aside, this is a great opportunity for you, you’re actually getting to work through a lot of the challenges that many couples don’t face until much further down the road. And you’re getting to see what that really is like in the worst case scenario. And I promise you, marriage is not as hard as quarantine relationships will be. I love that you said, you want to make sure that you’re taking care of each other. That is such a key fundamental thing to develop in a relationship to feel that you almost want more for the other person than you want for yourself. I’m not saying give everything away. That’s also not healthy, but I always try Try to think of the other person and how I can meet their needs first, and then hopefully, if you are with the right partner and it sounds like you are, that person will be doing the same for you. And if you’re both taking care of each other, then both of your needs are getting met. Now, in terms of conflict resolution, you want to make sure that you are focusing on listening, listening, listening, listening. And again, thinking of it from the other person’s perspective, especially in the time of quarantine, keeping in mind that he may be just feeling that pressure of finances, that’s also a big thing for men, making sure that they can provide and take care of you. Of course, ladies, we got our own stuff, but that’s still something that’s intrinsic in the way that men are brought up. So this is probably a very scary time for him as well. So make sure that you are sensitive to that and keeping that filter on everything. He’s saying to you, and then it’s really important that couples have their own space, their own physical space, or a process to help you recharge, so that you are coming to your partner with the best possible you. It’s also great if you can set up a schedule, like you would have had, when you were out of quarantine, you weren’t together all day, every day you were working, you were doing other things. Make sure you have that schedule still. And that you have times that you come back together. I talked on the show before about the importance of quarantine date nights, have that time where you can look forward to being together again. And then the time in between that that you are separated even if you’re in the same room. I love my apple EarPods Pro, they’re not paying me to say this but they have really amazing noise cancelling function where you can just block everything out focus on what you have to do and then when you are ready to focus on your partner. You can Focus on each other. And I really, really hope that you have the wedding that you dream of, maybe it’s not going to be this summer, but that you are really able to celebrate your love the way that you want to do it when the time is right.

Our next question came to us. In an email this person says locked down occurred five months into us dating, we facetimed a lot and it’s going great. I want to define the relationship at the timing of this is a bit extreme. Since we haven’t seen each other in person in many weeks. How do I stay the course and keep the romantic relationship moving towards marriage coming out of a pandemic? Hold on a second moving towards marriage. You’ve been dating five months and I know there are many relationships that are very successful after only dating a few weeks or months. But let’s not put the cart before the horse you had five months of dating and now you’ve had at least two months separation. So let’s just put the big M word aside for a minute, that may not be the path that we’re on and that is okay. It’s okay not to know. This is something that I really help my clients develop in my one on one coaching program, the comfortability with discomfort, right? Getting to be okay with not having the answers, not knowing where something is headed at every point. And you’ve heard me say this on the show before, as well. Being okay being in the moment and letting things unfold. We’ve kind of lost the sense of mystery. And a lot of times people think because I talk about dating, planning, and having a strategy for dating, that you should know every single thing that’s going to unfold for you know, we’re still dealing with people, we’re still dealing with emotions. We’re also in a pandemic, we’re dealing with an ever changing situation. So just let that sink in for a moment. And let’s just look at where you are right now. How can you be more connected virtually? Can you do some, some scheduled virtual dates? Can you send each other gifts across the miles? Can you create some sort of a ritual that reminds each other what you had when you were together two months ago? And then maybe you can make some plans about what you’d like to do together when all of this is over. But let’s not put too much pressure on the moment right now, because depending on where you are, this could be going on for a lot longer. And you don’t know this person may have changed during the pandemic, you may have changed. So try to release the expectation if you can. This question was sent to us from a listener in La

Unknown Speaker 12:02

damona helped me with this whole quarantine? Is it okay to break up with somebody during the Korean team? And if so, do we do it on the phone? Can I FaceTime? Can I just send a text? Or do we have to wait until this is all over before we can break up with somebody they keep making plans for when we get out of this, I don’t want to be with them.

Damona 12:22

Here’s the deal. We have a responsibility to find our best possible partner, the person that is going to make you the most happy. So by staying in a relationship that’s not right for you, you’re you’re actually blocking two people from their relationship destiny, you’re doing yourself a disservice and you’re doing that other person as a disservice. And I know we’re in a time where isolation feels really scary. And it feels really heavy because we’ve been in it for a while. So you may be thinking, should I just stay in this because it’s convenient because I have this person here or because it’s awkward to end things when we are not in the same space. But ultimately, we have to take care of ourselves, we have to take care of our emotional well being. And if being in a relationship with this person is dragging you down, that’s the last thing that you need added onto your plate when we have so much else that we are sorting through. So I would say if you can flip it in your mind and not think of it as like crushing this person, soul, but think about it as liberating that person and liberating yourself that will help you approach this person with compassion. When you do end it. Now, a breakup text, never, never The best way to handle it. But ideally, you want to do it with the most possible connection. So that may be a phone call, that may be a video call, that may even be a distance meeting. Now that’s going to be kind of hard in this particular situation, but if you can just visualize Eyes, the best possible option for yourself and then find a time to connect with that person not when they’re on the go not when they’re in the middle of work, but when you can have some dedicated time to let them know how much they have meant to you and what they’ve given to you. But to then release them to be able to find their best match so that you can do that too. So we have two questions that are similar that have come to us from Instagram asks, Is it okay to do an in person date after getting tested negative for Corona? and Jordan says when is it okay to move from sexting to sex in a pandemic, asking for all my friends, depending on where you are, I highly recommend getting tested. I’m here in Los Angeles where testing is free for all residents. So if you have that, take advantage of it. I do recommend that once you get tested that your partner also gets tested this is like the new STI actually research shows that Corona virus is actually active in the sperm of people who have the virus. So it is an STI technically, we don’t know how that may transmit sexually, okay. So, we have to also consider if you are having sex with someone, it may pass through sperm, it may also pass through saliva, it may you going to be touching faces potentially I, there’s just a lot of risk. So you have to protect yourself and protect the other person. But just like with STI s, I think you can say I’ve gotten tested, have you and I’d love to be intimate with you. But I want to make sure we’re both being safe. That can get you from sexting to sex in a pandemic, but I think this is a time to not take connections lightly because it literally can be life or death is sex with this person worth your life. You have to make that decision. But a lot of people aren’t taking this as seriously as it truly is. I would say try to save it if you can. May is also masturbation month. We haven’t talked about that much on the show but hey, it’s it’s good timing. Let’s move on. Now that we have crossed the barrier into some racier topics, we’re going to take a little break. But before we go, I have one more quarantine love success story. This one comes to us from a listener named Mel.

Unknown Speaker 16:33

I started listening to a date to me it’s about a year ago and started intentionally dating and then damona sent me information on how to polish my profile. then a month later, I met this great guy. We been together now for over three months and it’s going really well. quarantine definitely slowed down our relationship but definitely in a good way, because it really got us thinking, just creative ways to keep the relationship going. Because we both knew we were still interested in each other. We played games with each other like audio, and video dates. We also like, talked about different date ideas like ordering each other, like takeout food. And watching in a movie together, we’ve made lists about movies that he’s seen that I haven’t and movies that I’ve seen that he hasn’t. So we were we got really creative with dates. For us, it’s worked out really great, because we feel so much closer and so much more comfortable with each other then, either one of us expected to at this point in our relationship And to be honest, if we hadn’t had all that time, like apart, and like forced into like, so many situations where like we have to talk and really make effort for a relationship, we probably wouldn’t be meeting each other’s parents. We keep talking about actually how it feels like we’ve been dating longer than we actually have, but in a good way.

Damona 18:23

If you are in the Patreon Friends with Benefits Program, you may have seen my secret training video which was just posted with Susan ibex the face reader in it. I did a profile Polish for Mel. And y’all you have to see it. It left her speechless. We also told her how to look for the right matches online just based on their facial features. Apparently, she took the advice to heart and it worked for her, it could work for you too. If you’re not part of the Patreon Friends with Benefits community. I’d love for you to have access to all of them. bonus content, the Facebook community, plus a discount on all of my online programs, you can join for as little as $5 a month, or for $100. You can get a profile Polish from me just like Mel did. You can see what’s inside the club@patreon.com slash dates and mates. And hopefully we will hear your success story on a future episode. Again, that’s patreon.com slash dates and mates do check the show notes for the link. More questions from you in just a moment. Stick around. We’re back. You asked, I answered. And there’s more dear damona This one is a DM on Twitter from Rio. Rio says I’m an RN and I’m volunteering to go to NYC to help the crisis being sent in a week. I should probably just assume I’m not going to be dating anyone for a while considering I still have a two week quarantine even After I’m done, right? Rio is 100%. Right? In this particular situation, I’m all for like, all dating all the time, right? I think it’s all great practice. But you also have to keep in mind, the mental state that you’re in, and the other things that are priorities in your life. Right now like, what, what if you did madly fall in love with someone, and then you cannot talk to them? I’m sure you’re going to be working 12 plus hour shifts, and you’re going to be tied up for at least a few weeks, and then maybe a few more weeks. So is this the right time to potentially embark on your life changing love? Maybe not. Maybe this is a better time while you have this week to yourself to do some self work to do some mental health preparation because I’m sure it’s going to be rough like you’re going into battle Rio, and thank you by the way Thank you for serving the community in New York and all of the people that are suffering from this virus we need you. So we want you to be the healthiest you can be to be at your best self. And we know you know, from listening to prior episodes, that love is like your brain on drugs. And you need to have your brain 100% in the in the game. So even though I’m all dating all the time, I think this is the time for you to focus on you. And to get your get your mind right to get your heart right, and to get ready to serve. This question comes to us from joy from LA give it a listen.

Unknown Speaker 21:40

This is joy from LA and I want to know, now that all of us in America and Europe are stuck at home, what are the best apps or ways to virtually meet people around the world?

Damona 21:53

This is literally one of the most asked questions that I get. So I’m not going to sound like a broken record, but I’m just gonna To remind you that apps are specific to each person finding the right app is as important as finding the right person. You have to sample and each city has a different app that’s really hot there. So you have to figure out what’s the right app for your city. What’s the right app for you. You’ll look at the functionality, the matches, you’ll also look at the response rates that you’re getting, you want to split test. I’m going to get really dating expert nerdy right now, you’re going to be on two different apps. And you’re going to have a substantially similar profile on both apps, same pictures, similar text, obviously, each app has a bio like about me. And then some of them have different ways that they put other information in or lack of information, no comment on which app that is. You talk about America and Europe. I want to just remind you that now we have a really exciting opportunity that you’re dating pool has expanded beyond just your local community. And, you know, the sad little five mile radius that most people have been doing to the entire world, what a great time to actually be able to date internationally. Because there’s no risk, you won’t be able to meet in person for a while and you can practice your dating skills, and maybe find somebody that’s going to be a great emotional support through this pandemic, and possibly a very exciting international love in terms of ways to virtually meet around the world. I have been hearing about virtual speed dating, I think that’s a really fun idea. You can also look for Facebook communities and online communities that are around a particular interest that you have and see who you might be able to chat with there. I’m telling you, like Instagram is poppin in terms of a it’s a dating app, and people are searching hashtags and finding new friends that way. So I encourage you to like Look through the the accounts that you like, or even on Twitter, look through threads that are interesting to you. And you can begin a conversation with someone virtually that way. And just look at this as an interesting experiment, and the time that we have during this pandemic, to date a little bit differently and see how it might affect your dating life. Lucy sent us this question. She says what are fair expectations to have? What is the appropriate way to deal with not seeing your partner for like months or potentially longer. I also feel like it’s so easy to put more emotional weight on your partner when you are more isolated from other friends and emotional supports. And I want to know about ways to mitigate that impulse. Lucy, thank you so much for highlighting this. I talked about this a little bit on NPR. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders and life kit, but it’s very dangerous for you to put all of the weight on your partner to be here. Everything. And yes, that is the impulse right now because we don’t have our friend circle. We don’t have our family. I just want to like give my mama hug. And I can’t even do that, right? But what can you do? Instead of looking at what you can’t do, let’s look at what is available to you. You can still do video chats with your friends or even just phone calls. You can write letters to people, which like when was the last time you wrote letters, you can journal and get your feelings out in that way. You can do meditation, yoga, virtual workouts like I am rolling deep in my one peloton, community and I feel I literally I did my hundredth peloton ride this week, and I literally bawled for like five minutes of it. Because I saw I had so many high fives from these people that I didn’t even know that were so happy for me. I’m almost going to cry again. Right now you guys, there are so happy for me that I made it to 100 rides, and I didn’t even know them. And then I posted about it in the, in the peloton, community. And more people commented and gave me more virtual high fives. So it’s easy to look at it like we are alone and we’re isolated. But it’s amazing if you just step out a little bit and you just reach out how much of a community really is out there to support you. Remember that you have to still make connecting, feel special, make it feel special again. So even if you can’t see each other, you want to continue to send Good morning texts and remind each other that you’re thinking of one another. You want to still find ways to connect virtually maybe it’s on the phone, maybe it’s video chat. Maybe it’s social distance I’ve been to I mean maybe I’m gonna get arrested by the LAPD. I don’t know. I’ve been doing Social distance, wind dates with my girlfriends, we sit six feet apart, outdoors. And we hang and it feels like old times, we’re just a little further apart. And we’re just a little bit in the element. So you bring a blanket and you keep it cute. We don’t have to let this pandemic make us feel limited. We can look for other ways that we can explore different kinds of relationships and different ways to connect. And we don’t know we don’t have the answers. We don’t know how long this is going to go on for. So let this be an opportunity to get to know your partner in a different way.

Our last question came to me from an Instagram dm this comes from Judith all the way from France. Hello Judith. I don’t speak any French. So I was gonna try and be cute and say like something in French but I can’t. But hopefully you can understand me if You wrote into the show in English, you understand what I’m about to say. So Judith asks, do you think Coronavirus and confinement will change the way we date deeply? I believe being reminded collectively that we can all be sick, and we will all die can push us towards more meaningful connections. But is this naive? naive girlfriend, you just said we will all die. You went all the way there. Maybe it’s a French thing? I don’t know. But let’s take that apart out. Like Yes, we are reminded of our own mortality. I think more people are afraid of the sickness right now. But I don’t know that it’s really ultimately going to change dating. So will it remind us that we need to make more meaningful connections? Will it cause more meaningful connections? I believe so. In the short term, I what I’m seeing right now is that people are fatiguing of the multiple multiple dates in a week or in a weekend that we used to have. And I think this is because you don’t know where it’s going. And so it was easy to just do a one off day we’ll just meet for coffee or drinks before the pandemic. But now, getting to know someone may be like a nightly FaceTime commitment. And a lot of people aren’t really up for that if they are not sure that somebody is going to be the one. So I’m seeing that people are spending more time getting to know fewer people, rather than treating everyone as if they’re disposable and looking for the next best thing. And I think that that is a great thing because it’s teaching us a valuable skill. Now, ultimately, I do think the speed of dating is going to increase. But my hope is that yes, we will be able to listen a little bit better. We’ll be able to stay in the moment more we’ll be able to evaluate our matches more thoroughly before we just run out to the bar and grab a drink with someone that We haven’t really gotten to know anything about. But ultimately, it’s up to you all. It’s up to you, Judith, it’s up to everyone that’s listening right now. If you want to see a change in the culture, if you you hated that swipe, swipe, swipe date, date, sex sex sex system that we were in, then why don’t you be the change that you wish to see in the world? That’s it for today’s episode. Thanks for joining me for dear Dimona, it’s Episode 310. If you have a question that didn’t make it on this show, and you want to hear it answered on a future episode, don’t be shy. You can DM me at damona Hoffman on all the socials or send me a voicemail or email and my voicemail numbers 424-246-6255 email Dimona at damona Hoffman comm I’ll put all that good stuff in the show notes. But if you are ready if you’ve been a Inspired by something that I said today, and you’re ready to dive in and have something, some of those more meaningful connections, I have my 30 day dating playbook program that’s here for you when you’re ready to get back to the new normal and get back into action. And it can work for virtual dates, it can work for offline data, wherever you are, it’s there for you at 30 day, dating.com, three, zero, day dating.com. And for those of you who are just exploring the idea, or if you’ve been listening for a while, and you just want to expand your relationship with me, let’s change our relationship status. And you can join that Patreon community@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. It’s just five bucks y’all. So if you love the show, support us, why not we can keep making more dates and mates. You can keep getting your love advice, and it’s just five bucks a month. And you can also get the full profile Polish for me if you want something that’s a little more bespoke, that’s at the hundred dollar level and you can emerge From this quarantine into the beautiful dating butterfly that you were meant to be, like clockwork We will be back again bright and early next Monday with a rather unorthodox proposal story that you simply have to hear. Until next week. I wish you good health and happy dating

Dates & Mates Success Stories: Finding Love in Quarantine

DATES & MATES SUCCESS STORY

This year, both Shannon and Mel completed some of my programs and were able to find their dream relationships. In Shannon’s own words:

“Normally I’m pretty picky about like distance. So I normally kind of do the whole five left like nope, nope, nope, too far no piece too short. Nope. I mean, I listened to your podcast and I was laughing like, that’s kind of me. I kind of go through that and don’t even really dig deeper because the superficial stuff. So this time around, I was like, Okay, I need to listen to the voice I’ve been hearing from damona. And so this guy pops up. So I messaged him and so we started chatting and just kind of hit it off and he’s lived an hour away. But I thought you know what he needed to be open minded to go for this. And instantly he was had great questions. He was interested in me he was like, if he remembered things he’d ask me a question and then you know, the next day he might remember what he asked me the day before and check in on me and just really was just all around proving to me quickly that he was pretty amazing. We went out on a Tuesday and We did the whole phone call first because I know that’s a big thing too. I was like, okay, gotta do the phone call before we leave here. So all this was like, right smack before, you know all the quarantine stuff. And so we had planned to see each other again on March 15. Our plan was I was going to go to where he lives and I was going to come and see him for the day. Well, that Friday was when they shut everything down. From then on. We’ve just had these like quarantine pipes at home, get to know you fast forward. No clutter, no people around kind of experience. And I know there’s probably a little bit of pros and cons with that. I think I’m typically kind of a fast relationship person, I need people and it kind of goes too fast and we get to know each other and the kids are involved in the families involved in a big ordeal. But this time, it went fast in a way that was just he and I like totally getting to know each other totally, you know Trying to figure out okay, well we’re gonna hang out for the next three days. What should we do? Like we can’t go anywhere. We can’t go to restaurants we can’t go to the movies like we can’t go to bars like we would typically do on a date. And so you know, we went on hike, and we took the dog for a walk and we ordered food in and we played cars, we played dominoes, we put a puzzle together and we cook together I bought a smashing little aprons and we cook together. And we were just kind of doing what we could do is what we had. And in the meantime, when we weren’t seeing each other, it was kind of funny because I have it on my phone. So we have this whole list in our in our notes on our phone that we’ve shared, of all the things we want to do when everything opens up because we’ve now said I love you. We’ve now like fully committed to each other and all of a sudden is debt. But yet I’ve never been to the movie with him. I’ve never been really in a bar with him. We haven’t done any Have those traditional things that you would do? Yeah, it’s been pretty interesting. And we’ve spent the time away from each other really digging deep and getting to know each other and like there’s definitely been a lot of God signs where we are things that just prove that okay, maybe maybe this is the one I’ve finally been waiting for.”

Shannon also shared with us the perfect quarantine date she had with her man. You should ABSOLUTELY steal this idea:

Dates & Mates Success Story from Damona on Vimeo.

Here are a few more picture that she sent us of her special night!

Mel received a profile polish (You can too! By joining the Patreon Friends with Benefits program at the $100 level!). Soon after, she saw amazing results and found love. Here’s Mel’s story in her own words:

I started listening to Dates & Mates about a year ago and started intentionally dating and then damona sent me information on how to polish my profile. Then a month later, I met this great guy. We been together now for over three months and it’s going really well. quarantine definitely slowed down our relationship but definitely in a good way, because it really got us thinking, just creative ways to keep the relationship going. Because we both knew we were still interested in each other. We played games with each other like audio, and video dates. We also like, talked about different date ideas like ordering each other, like takeout food. And watching in a movie together, we’ve made lists about movies that he’s seen that I haven’t and movies that I’ve seen that he hasn’t. So we were we got really creative with dates. For us, it’s worked out really great, because we feel so much closer and so much more comfortable with each other then, either one of us expected to at this point in our relationship And to be honest, if we hadn’t had all that time, like apart, and like forced into like, so many situations where like we have to talk and really make effort for a relationship, we probably wouldn’t be meeting each other’s parents. We keep talking about actually how it feels like we’ve been dating longer than we actually have, but in a good way.

If you’re interested in the resources that helped Shannon and Mel find love, maybe it’s time we changed our relationship status.

You are invited to become a Friend with Benefits. This exclusive program includes bonus content from the show, secret training sessions, voting power to influence future episodes, a private online community, and more. JOIN NOW!

Tall Guy Vibe & Keeping It Cute

SHOULD HEIGHT REALLY MATTER IN DATING?

On today’s episode of the Dates & Mates podcast, Damona sits down with Vince Gauglione, long-time friend of the show and author of “Why Are You Still Single? An Average Joe’s Take on What’s Really Going On in the Dating Pool and What You Can Do to Stay Afloat.”

Vinca and Damona discuss if height really matters in today’s world, the biggest pet peeves men have in dating, and his new book on why you’re still single

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

DATING DISH (2:00)

Something you need to know…

This week is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Damona covers everything you need to know. If you or someone you know needs help, call Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

via GIPHY

A Netflix show you will hate to love or love to hate

Is Too Hot To Handle hot or not? It’s stirring up a lot of controversy for its potentially detrimental messages on sex and love. Damona has thoughts.

via GIPHY

Relationship Stress Strategies

John and Julie Gottman – some of Damona’s most trusted researchers on love and relationships – give their tips to reduce relationship stress during this time.

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TALL GUY VIBE (12:00)

You’ve heard love advice from the experts, now the average joes:

According to Vince, men have a few dating pet peeves we should all know about:

Unrealistic Dating Profiles
Too much shorthand in DMs
Too much phone time on dates
When their date makes it obvious that they’re just checking off boxes “ideal-mate must-haves” list

He goes into detail on this, PLUS he gives us his opinion as a 5’7 man trying to find love:

Find Vince at www.vinceguaglione.com and make sure to pick up a copy of his book and follow him on Facebook, @theaveragejoesdatingconfessional

TECHNICALLY DATING (38:00)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email from Jacqueline – During this time of Covid19 pandemic I’m looking to get back into online dating. In this time of pandemic no salons are open so no makeover for me do I go with “the best I can” look due to circumstances and not let it be a deterrent for my profile?
IG message – A guy and i matched on Bumble prior to all of this happening, but never got the chance to meet up. We have FaceTimed twice (first time was 2 hrs!) and text/Instagram every day. Finding it hard now that it’s almost 2 months in to keep up conversation beyond daily Groundhog Day happenings. Also hard to not get too emotionally invested when you talk daily and you don’t know where the other person stands (if they are talking or other people) and you haven’t even met yet so what position are you in to ask?! Any tips for keeping an even mind and things to chat about until we have a chance to meet?

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:12

Hello lovers. Those of you who follow dates and mates for a while now know that I am all about getting clear on the true criteria that you need in your future or current life partner. And it’s not a secret that I have been campaigning for daters to take height completely off their list. Back in February, during the five q fab series, Bella Gandhi and I had a little conversation that was rather controversial. For some of our listeners. We are of the opinion that height shouldn’t matter in today’s world, but not all of our listeners are in agreement with that. So today, we’re getting a man’s perspective on dating As a short guy from Vince Gagliano, he’s a longtime listener of dates and mates. And he’s a successful author with a new book that’s all about his dating experiences. More on that later. But first, we have headlines this week, including something important that you need to be aware of this month, and a new Netflix series that you will love to hate, or hate to love. Plus a few tips to make marriage and quarantining a little less stressful. Then, after my chat with Vince, I will be answering your questions, including how to keep it cute for dating during quarantine, and how to have better conversations with the Bumble Bay you’ve never met. Then in the last segment of the show, I will make a very big announcement that you won’t want to miss. And now it’s time for the dish, these dating dish. So it’s April and that means yes, it’s tax month and financial literacy. The month, which I could do a whole episode on, but even more importantly, right now, it’s also Sexual Abuse Awareness Month. And I have to admit, I went back and forth on whether or not to include something in the show about that because, you know, I like to keep it light on dates and mates and keep it positive and give you all advice and opportunities to find love. But I can’t overlook the fact that this is a serious problem in many relationships. When you look at the numbers, eight out of 10 rapes are committed by someone that you know, and sometimes even by your own partner. And looking at the numbers for forensic nurse examiners in DC, they’re reporting a 43% decrease in patient seeking treatment year over year. So that means fewer people are reporting sexual assault and coming in to get treated and evaluated for it. So that tells me one of two things either, people are quarantining, so often They’re just not in situations where they’re coming in contact with one another. And there are fewer sexual abuse incidents happening. Or worse yet, and more likely the case, people are experiencing it more and feeling unsafe about getting help and saying what’s going on. So just a little note for today’s to start out today’s show, that there are programs that are still open for victims of sexual assault, and the government has actually passed funding to keep them running. So if you are someone that you know, is dealing with a sexual assault situation, please call the number we’ll put in the show notes. One 800 656. Hope that’s 1-800-656-4673

on a completely different notes on a consensual sexual note, there’s a neutral show on Netflix that’s blowing my mind and the minds of many other people. Have you seen this? It’s called too hot to handle. It’s all about a celibacy challenge. It’s basically temptation Island, but nobody can have sex with one another. That is the rule of the series. They put all these super hot singles in bikinis and high heels all the time. I love the bikini and high heel. Look, don’t get me wrong, but none of them are supposed to have sex with one another. They’re not even supposed to make out they’re not supposed to have Heavy Petting. They can’t even touch themselves, or they lose money. They’re trying to get $100,000 if they can abstain from sex for a month. Now, sexologist apparently are concerned that this will reverse the thinking on sex. They’ve done so much work to keep to make sex not taboo. And it seems like Netflix is on this. They’re on this mission, as they say at the top of life. as blind as at the top of this show, they’re trying to find ways to help people make deeper connections. And you can see in the first episode, I’m not telling you any spoilers because this is really the concept of the show, but the first episode when the people find out that they can’t have sex, and then they’re told you’re all here because you have way too much sex and you’re you’re not having deep enough emotional connections. The look on their faces is enough for the price of admission alone. But I gotta tell you, I love dating and relationship shows as you know, I can’t I cannot even with the show. It is literally the most salacious version of a dating and relationship show that you could possibly find. And I know what’s coming up is all these people sneaking around trying to have sex and not get caught. And it just seems like it’s gonna become a big ol mess. If you like that kind of train wreck programming. I think it’s going to be right down the middle perfect for you. But I for 1am going to be tapping out For those of you who are already in a relationship, and maybe feeling a little bit of the stress from quarantine, my friends at NPR interviewed, the amazing john and Julie got Minh and they offered up their tips on Morning Edition on how to reduce stress if you’re in a relationship and quarantine together, especially if your relationship is already on the rocks, because right now we’re dealing with a lot of anxieties. I know I’m feeling it, there’s the anxiety of the fear of possibly catching COVID or the stress of even dealing with friends or family members who have the virus, maybe you even have the virus or you’ve come out of quarantine. And you have that on top of not ever being able to get away from your partner and all of their idiosyncrasies and all of the fights, the old fights that you’ve had coming back up because you’re in this pressure cooker. And there was some advice in this in this interview and this article that we’ll link to in the show notes that really is so key in communicating and relationships. The first thing I want to share with you is that they advise for one person to be the speaker when you’re trying to de stress and solve a problem. They said instead of trying to both trying to talk and everybody trying to be a fixer, right, we’ve talked on the show before about when you get in conflicts, a lot of times the partner wants to fix the issue instead of just listening. So what john and Julie got, Minh said was, you need to elect one person to be the speaker, and the other is the listener. And then the listener simply has to ask questions to deepen their understanding of the issue, and then just offer sympathy. And that is so hard. I believe me, I understand because I’m in this myself too. We we want the problem to go away. So we want to fix it, but sometimes what the other person needs is for you to just pause and hear them. And let them know that their frustration has been heard and felt by their partner. Because research shows that what partners really need in a marriage or a relationship is for the other person to be empathetic to them to be supportive. And that really can help when you have an ally that can help you manage your stress and feel really hurt. The second piece of advice that I think is really, really important, is they say when things get sort of snippy, when you get to that point of you’re like, Well, you did this and then you remember that time and 10 years ago, when it gets heated to that point, take a break, take a break from the conversation, and they recommend doing something self soothing, that calms you down, not ruminating on the conversation that just happened but doing something completely different that will give get you out of the fight or flight we talked a few weeks ago about fight flight or freeze, right? So you got to get yourself out of that mental space to be able to come back into it and have a conversation on a neutral level. And then you return to your partner at a designated time that you’ve already agreed to like, okay, we’re gonna take a break. Let’s talk about this after the kids go to bed. Let’s talk about this when we go on our nightly walk, and then you continue to the discussion from a more neutral place. Look, y’all I know it’s tough out there. We are going to get through it and communication. clear communication is the best. The best way for us to sort through these challenges, whether they’re new dating challenges and problems or coming up for miscommunication, or you’ve been in a relationship for a while. Speaking of NPR turns out that this week, I’m actually going to be on NPR. I’ll be recording an episode of NPR show. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders, and I’ll be answering Bring your questions about love in the time of Coronavirus. So if you have a question dating or relationship related, it’s not too late to submit it to me for the answer on that show. You can just email me your question at Dimona at damona. Hoffman you can leave me a little voice memo and send that over or just leave me a voicemail if you don’t want to deal with all the all the buttons on the phone. Just call my voicemail four to 42466255 tell me what your challenges and you could end up hearing it on NPR. Those are headlines for today. right after this. We will hear Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, not my words, his words, but do stick around.

I’m back and I am joined by someone who has been right where you are right now listening to this podcast for love and relationship advice. Ben Scaglione is an author. Who writes about what he’s seen and experienced as a single guy in the dating world. His last dating book, Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, looked at the dating challenges of men through the lens of his own experience. And now, he’s written a new book titled Why are you still single and average Joe’s take on what’s really going on in the dating pool and what you can do to stay afloat? Joining us now from Raleigh, North Carolina, please give big smooches to a friend of the show. Vince Gagliano, the owner. All right, Vince, before we talk to you about your perspective, first I just want to thank you for being a longtime dates and mates listener and supporter. You and I have had a lot of conversations about dating challenges over dm. But now I’m really excited to speak with you in person about your new book. And any new perspective you’ve gained since the last time we communicated. I want to just start out Vince with this dedication you have in the book because I found it very inspiring. It said, it’s for those who have the courage to remain steadfast in their belief that through the disappointment, anguish and heartache, the world, the dating world serves up, it will all be worth it in the end. Keep the faith. Vince, how do you keep the faith in the face of the current dating scene as you see it?

Vince Gauglione 12:26

Well, that’s that’s certainly tough, right? So I mean, we have a lot of people that are out there floating around that are single, and they have their own unique set of challenges. Of course, it’s a very personal experience for each and every one of us. And over time, you know, you’ve got so many disappointments, heartache. It kind of warps your perspective a little bit. So what you I think, what what every one of us has to do, who you know who’s single who’s dealing with these issues, we have to remember that You know, at some point, as long as we are doing everything we can to titles

Damona 13:05

Why am I still single? I’m just gonna cut to the chase, why am I still single chapter one you say so why am I still single? And then you turn it around on yourself? What if, what if, what have you learned and what wisdom Can you share? in answering this question for other people or helping people answer it for themselves.

Vince Gauglione 13:24

The key is really, you know, we’re not everybody’s cup of tea. That’s just the way dating works. You know, we’ve all been through those experiences, life and situations where it’s like, we think somebody’s perfect for us, or we’re really interested in someone and we find out you know, we’ve learned that that’s just not the case. Maybe they don’t you know, reciprocate. So, for us, we have to take a closer look, and when we take a moment to reflect back and ask ourselves, if we can be better if, you know, there’s, there’s anything that we need to look at a little bit closer, maybe things we haven’t explored in the past. is a good time to do that. And you might gain a new perspective. And I think that, you know, that’s that’s really the question here. Why if you ask yourself the question why you’re still single, you might find a few things that you maybe were unaware of that, you know, were kind of blockers in preventing you from finding what you were looking for.

Damona 14:19

Okay, so let’s talk about what some of those things might be. And just based on your first book, Confessions of a middle aged short guy with no game, there’s there’s a lot of challenges just in that title. Right. Let’s just focus on the first one because I do hear this a lot, both from women and men. How big of a dating challenge Do you think being and you say short, Vince, you’re five, seven. That’s short. My dad is fine, too. And he’s had three wives and he’s doing just fine. So are like talking to him. He would even make some talk. He would make tell jokes about you. But people tell you you have a tall guy. What does that even mean?

Vince Gauglione 15:01

Well, actually, that was kind of interesting because that came about through a, an IM chat, we’ve got talking about how he said to me, I would have never guessed your five, seven, you have a tall guy by and I thought, Okay, well, you know, in, in understanding this and kind of going looking looking back the past few years, a few years when I had gone and you know, research this based on my own experiences and tried to understand it a little bit more in depth is that, you know, the the height issue is it’s always out there, it’s always going to be an issue for short guys. But if we’re able to project dominance, power protection, we’re able to just admit that we’re just kind of evoke that through our personality, then all of a sudden, we as short guys wind up with that tall guy vibe. And that’s kind of what you know, attracts women. And that is the one thing that I hadn’t really Understood throughout all my years of dating, I realized that you know, I mean I looked at it as I wasn’t having any success, I get turned down a lot. And as it turned out, I wound up with like this chip on my shoulder, so it affected my overall mood and disposition. So in a way, I became kind of a martyr. And that certainly affected my dating life through you know, my, my first, you know, 30 years here on this earth, I didn’t finally start understanding what was going on until I got probably closer to 40. It affected me for a very long time in my life, and thus, you know, I wound up making poor choices myself.

Damona 16:36

Well, that’s how we learn Right, exactly the last time I talked about high on the show, I got a little bit of hate mail Vince, I’m not gonna lie. Some tall ladies were pretty mad at me. And in encouraging them to look beyond height. So what I’m going to step back and just let you talk to the tall ladies and share what you I would say to them, because I mean, I totally get it like, there are definitely shorter guys that would be in that insecure place that maybe you were in before. That would be intimidated by a woman who is say over 510 or taller. Right? Sure. But then if you’re just limiting your dating pool, because you’ve had those experiences in the past, there could be great, shorter guys, that you’re overlooking, no pun intended.

Vince Gauglione 17:32

Yeah, absolutely. Again, it’s like when we talk about this part of this is, you know, it’s like evolutionary, you know, it’s kind of wired into our DNA, the connotation for height is that person can protect that person. You know, I could be on that that person’s arm and I feel secure. And I think that, you know, for taller women, some of them certainly understand that Yeah, most of the men that they’re going to be You know, evaluating the dating pool probably are going to be shorter than them, especially if they’re like 511 or six foot. But what they’re really looking for is that sense of security in a way and a guy can he can he can present that just threw his personality alone. Mm hmm.

Damona 18:23

Yes, I completely agree with you. And I, I find that it’s not even so much like the biological attraction to height. I think it’s a lot about the societal connotations with height as well, because, really, biologically, we should be attracted to that provider type, right, which can come in a lot of different forms. And it’s kind of going back to that the confidence element that you were talking about,

Vince Gauglione 18:56

right. So yes, to Yeah, because you have if you if you are out in public and you see a couple, and the woman is like five or six inches taller than the guy, then you get a lot of weird looks, you know? Yeah.

Damona 19:10

I mean, how many crews and Katie Holmes have or Tom Cruise and like anyone Tom Cruise has ever dated. Right? Right. Right. We’re like, fixated and fascinated, but Okay, I’m gonna, I’ll just give my one take and then we’ll move on that there are a lot of combinations that society will look at you and B, society will be uncomfortable with it. So like, if my parents were allowed what society told them about their relationship to impact their actions, then I wouldn’t be here because my dad’s white, my mom is black. And all the time they would go to a restaurant and get stares and sneers and even, you know, this was, this is 70s 80s like, they would get direct comments that they shouldn’t be together and I can’t. I can’t imagine it’s that as bad as that. But I’ve never been. I’ve never been a tall woman, people will look, you know, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate hate, but we, we don’t have to pay attention to that if we’re going for what our heart really wants. So in your book, you talk about knowing what you want and knowing what you need, what is the roadblock to people being able to grasp that from your perspective?

Vince Gauglione 20:29

Well, I think that we have a lot of noise. That’s the problem. There’s there’s certainly a lot of noise in society, right? So we’re constantly distracted in a number of different ways. And you know, if we’re always dealing with distractions, then we really don’t take the time out to just sit with ourselves and understand our emotion. I could read a one story for you where I was actually at an event all singles and it was just a little get together at a restaurant. At one point. A number of is hurt. Like the familiar audio audible game of a phone, right? And then it was, it was odd that about eight people all look down at their phones at the same time. And they stopped talking and they started texting. And it was only after a few minutes did the rest of us realize all eight of those people were in the same group chat. So they had stopped doing what they were doing to participate in the group chat, when the purpose of them being there was to be exposed to other singles. See what I mean? That’s what we’re dealing with today.

Damona 21:35

We are consumed by the virtual world. And like I said this, I said this a few weeks ago on the show, that we are also so desperate to escape the reality that we’re in. We’re almost waiting for that ding. We’re waiting like we’re on a date. And we’re like, this is so uncomfortable. Because it is I mean, you’ve listened to the show for long enough to know like, I don’t sugarcoat it. Like datings awkward, it’s odd. We created it. It is a it’s a skill set that is learned it is something that is not part of, you know, natural courtship. Really. It’s, it’s created. And so that feeling of wanting to escape the day, when you have your phone nearby, it’s so easy to just jump into that other word world and that other other. You know that conversation. So how do how do you recommend people move into dating? in a way that’s more mindful, like we talked about mindfulness, getting clear before you date, but when you’re on the date, how do you stay in the moment there?

Vince Gauglione 22:45

The thing to remember is you want to be present, right? You want to be an active participant in terms of listening and actually, you know, comprehending what the other person is saying. And of course, you know, if we’re talking about technology, The phone has to be on silent. I mean, you have to have that phone on silent. You can’t have a dinging all the time. While you’re having this conversation while you’re on the state. It’s just, I think it’s just, you know, just really inappropriate. When I would go on dates, it would just be phone goes on silent and it’s turned, you know, flat face down on the table.

Damona 23:22

I would I would even add like, yeah, if you can put it away away. Because I mentioned Yeah, I mentioned on the show a while back, there was a study with cell phones and how having the cell phone in view on a in a meeting and not even on a date, but just in view, when two strangers were meeting, it made them feel mistrustful of the other person, even if the phone is off, and and if it was on, it was just on the table. You also talked about connecting meaningfully and one part of that being vulnerability. I get it from men sometimes, especially for men and for women too. But especially for men, that’s really hard. How’d you get to that place? It is,

Vince Gauglione 24:08

it’s kind of funny because you have a friend and opposite sex female. And we were we would always talk about dating and dates. And she said to me one time, she said, you know, you’ve got the problem that a lot of women have, they get the emotionally unavailable guys, how is it that this is happening to you? So I, you know, getting you know, a lot of emotionally unavailable women.

Damona 24:32

What does that look like the emotionally unavailable woman? How is that showing up for you?

Vince Gauglione 24:37

Well, for me, it was showing up in terms of what if we’re talking and we are talking about vulnerability is like the inability to get close to keep you at arm’s length. If I would ask questions. You know, we’re talking about something that maybe hit a little bit close to home or was, you know, required some vulnerability I would get, you know, very glossed over type of answers or would not be able to even get that person to open up to speak a little bit about what they might be feeling, or what they might be thinking. We’ve become so emotionally disconnected from ourselves and from others, you know, you can, you can kind of zip into that virtual world anytime you want and feel perfectly happy and content. But what that’s done in, in effect, it’s kind of taken us away from understanding, you know, just our own nature, and how we connect in real life with people.

Damona 25:33

Yeah, it sounds like you’ve been on you’ve been on a long journey of self discovery,

Vince Gauglione 25:39

and many ups and downs along the way.

Damona 25:42

Yeah. And I know like you came into this. If you if you don’t mind me sharing at the beginning of the book you talk about Yeah, and in 2012, you were in a serious relationship and you actually lost your partner, to suicide and for many people, That would be so devastating that I’m sure it would be hard to believe in love again, but it’s clear from talking to you, you do still believe that this is possible. What gives you that kind of faith? And how did you? How did you heal from such a devastating loss?

Vince Gauglione 26:16

Yeah, that was a long journey. I’m not gonna lie, you know, and I’ve written about it in previous works. It is something that, you know, at the time for me, I was 42. So I didn’t expect that right. None of us really do it at the age of 42 that we’re going to lose, you know, someone close to us. And it took about two and a half years, almost two and a half years to fully reconcile it. So, but, you know, I, what I had done was I’ve taken in the good things away from it. So it’s like, I understood that it was a very loving, mutually, you know, caring relationship that we had and, you know, sure. It’s, it’s tough to find Those types of relationships as we go through life, you know, we might experience it once or twice a few times, but they don’t come around all that often. So, you know, when it does, I’ve learned to, you know, to cherish it more and to and to, to foster it more than I had in the past. Because for a while I had beaten myself up at times thinking I didn’t give enough or maybe I didn’t, you know, do enough. Or maybe I took it for granted. And, you know, having that experience now, and at this point in my life, I understand, you know, what, how special and how precious that actually is?

Damona 27:37

How do you know when you’re sitting across from someone, my listeners are always asking like, well, I’m going on a lot of dates, but is this person the one I don’t know? Is this meant to be something serious? How can you tell?

Vince Gauglione 27:52

Well, that happens over time. I mean, really, the only thing that we can point to here is time you have to give it time. Right. So if it’s someone who shares you know, your, your core values, right, if it’s someone who you have a, a, an ability to connect with and be vulnerable with, then it’s certainly worth exploring and continuing to explore. It’s not like it’s an on off switch where you can say, I know this one’s the right one, or this one’s not the right one. We kind of know more, you know, just as, as human beings, we know more about the things that we really don’t like or don’t want. So when we see those, they’re easy to identify. But the ones that are worthwhile, you know, that takes a little bit longer to figure out. So I would say if you’re, you know, if you’re, you’re, you’re cross sitting across from one that has the same core values, you want the same things or similar things and like, you have a vision of your life and the others, you know, that vision lines up and maps You’re on the right track.

Damona 29:02

Okay, I’m going to ask you a few rapid fire questions for the ladies, a lot of our listeners are women that are dating. And would love to date an awesome guy like you? What are they doing wrong? What is your number one pet peeve that women do on? Let’s start with dating apps? Okay, what’s your biggest dating app? pet peeve?

Vince Gauglione 29:29

Well, when it comes to dating apps, I think, of course, we can talk about like, their search criteria, and they they look for, you know, everything has to be in line, anything and that’s, I think that’s true of actually both sexes. So if you see something in a profile, that’s, you know, a turnoff, right? And you have all these other positives, but then you see this one thing you’re likely to say, Okay, well, I don’t like that. So I’m going to just, you know, swipe left. I think that’s the biggest problem. We have with with online dating right now is that, you know, we’re not able to put that into perspective, of course, we don’t gain a clear picture of who that person is. And it’s very hard to, you know, to write a profile that, you know, presents your, you know, who you are as a person, you know, realistically, along with, you know, giving someone a sense an idea of your values as well. So, yeah, we’re just too quick to move on from profile to profile. Are there syndrome as well?

Damona 30:33

Yeah. Are there messaging behaviors that really frustrate you like, I’ll give you one example just for the guys. Like, I was working with a client who was on hinge and on hinge you have to engage with a particular picture or something that’s, that’s posted in the profile. You can’t just like swipe, swipe, swipe dm, so you have to send a message His strategy was like, I’ll just send like, these, this string, same string of emojis like a heart emoji and like, strong arm emoji, and like, right emojis worth his way of getting into the conversation. And because he was a very attractive guy, he kind of was relying on the fact that then they’re going to look at his profile and be like, Oh, he’s cute, and just get into the chat from there. But I was like, not great dating strategy. Because you’re not, you’re not actually like you were saying, finding someone who connects with you. On a values level on a deeper level. You can’t determine anything from having an emoji conversation. So that’s my guys. What’s your girl’s pet peeve?

Vince Gauglione 31:45

Well, it’s similar similar things. You know, when it comes to actual messaging, well, if everything is in shorthand, you know, I mean, I write in complete sentences. I know that takes a while, but I write in earthly sentences. So he Yeah, exactly. And you know, so and i don’t i can’t really decipher some of the shorthand as well. So or if it’s like a text Blitz, where you get 500 messages in one shot, and there’s like, hey, do I have to respond to all these? How can I condense this down? Right? So I think it’s back and forth, you know, send a message, you get a message back, ask a question, wait for a reply. You know, don’t fall into the trap of, you know, having to send send, send, send, send, and then immediately, send, send, send again, let’s, let’s have a little back and forth here. Let’s have a real conversation as best as we’re going to have over text or I am,

Damona 32:40

huh, what about first date? first date? pet peeves are first date tips for the ladies.

Vince Gauglione 32:47

Well, being engaged, and I mean, that’s something that I look for, you know, someone who you can tell when someone is not engaged, if they’re distracted, or they just seem like you know, they they’re not having a good time or They are they don’t seem present. They’re not really engaged in the conversation. So if I have to carry the conversation, then I kind of know I kind of get a sense Well, I don’t think this person is really is really into me. So that’s important. Stay engaged, ask questions, let the conversation flow. Don’t have an agenda. You know, I think it’s another big one. You’re kind of when people are looking for things they want to check off list. What do you do? bla bla bla bla, that line of questioning. We’ve all heard that line of questioning before. As the conversation continues, you know, you will find things if you’re connecting with that person, you will find things to discuss something will resonate with you and the other person we there’ll be pulled in like, oh, tell me more about that. Or here’s my take on this. You have to let the conversation just devolve and flow on its own. You can’t try to force it.

Damona 33:59

Yeah. Absolutely. And like I said earlier, dating is a learned skill. So the more you do it and the more you figure out what works for you and and build on your conversation techniques, the easier that experience is going to be for you. Before you go, I just I want to ask about, we’re recording this while most of us are in the middle of a quarantine lockdown, safer at home, whatever you want to call it. And so the world of dating has changed. How has that impacted dating for you? And what do you think will be the next phase of dating when we come out of the world of quarantine?

Vince Gauglione 34:45

Hmm. Okay, well, I have a little disclaimer here in that around the time I had finished the draft of this book, I did meet someone that I am currently dating so I haven’t actually dating in the game, so to speak.

Damona 35:00

quarantined together?

Vince Gauglione 35:03

For the most part,

Damona 35:04

yes. Oh, that’s a whole other. That’s a whole other show. Maybe we’ll have you back for that. Right? What but what are you hearing from from readers? And

Vince Gauglione 35:13

yeah, people, it’s really, it’s not easy, because you don’t have a chance to get to those face to faces, right? So when you’re talking about having these conversations, right, you want to be able to at least this, you know, right now this present situation we’re in, you want to still be able to have that natural progression where you go from, you know, an initial interest, you know, contact contacting each other to, you know, some texting, phone calls are great. And then of course, now we have the whole you know, video chatting, facetiming zoom calls, etc. But it’s still it’s still a progression, you can start to build something during this time. However, as we know, it’s like where the rubber really, you know, meets the road is when you have that face to face. So you know that it may we might be in a situation where you might be, you know, speaking to a couple different people, and you might, you know, begin to form a connection, almost like a you know, like the love is blind series, right? Yeah, it’s similar. It’s not exactly the same, because you can see that person. But, you know, at least you can focus on understanding more about another person, then you would, you know, you would have done say previously before all of this because a lot of this, you know, before COVID-19 was, you’re on an app, you said, you match, you send a message, and then you’re already meeting thus, you know, you know nothing about the person and thus the reason for bad dates, you don’t have anything in common with that person. So it forces us to take more time to get to know others or a little bit of a deeper level.

Damona 37:00

Yes, I think ultimately it will be good. But yes, some of those, some of those quarantine connections won’t last but we’re going to learn a lot in the process. And I’ve learned a lot from talking to you today, Vince, I hope everyone will pick up their copy of Why are you still single and average Joe’s take on what’s really going on in the dating pool and what you can do to stay afloat. Thank you so much for joining me, Vince Gagliano. It’s been a pleasure having you on the show. And again, thank you for your years of listening. Maybe it’s paying off in a new relationship. I wish you luck

Vince Gauglione 37:34

with that, too. Thank you so much. I appreciate it was great being on the show.

Damona 37:38

Thank you, Vince.

We’re back and your questions have been flooding in lately. Y’all must be really going through it. But I’m here for you. My DMS are always open and they’re especially open Right now for both dates and mates questions, NPR questions and drumroll please. Here’s the big announcement as of this weekend, also for a new advice column that I’m writing in the LA Times. So check out this Saturday’s issue of the LA Times to read my Coronavirus, dating and relationship advice. But remember, it all started here with you and me and your love questions on dates and mates. And here I will remain. Alright, here’s the lineup for today. I got an audio question from our listener Jacqueline. Here’s what she had to say.

Vince Gauglione 38:40

What do you recommend for someone who’s looking to create a profile during this COVID pandemic period and salons and businesses are closed so one can have a makeover done? Is it okay to do the best you can with what you have with items at home such as box hair color, one’s own makeup and an iPhone. I’m would be curious as to your thoughts on this.

Damona 39:06

All right, Jacqueline. First of all, you just got to do it. You just got to get out there and start. One of the things that makes it so hard for us to get back into the dating scene is we play out all these what if scenarios, what if I put up a profile and nobody messages me? What if I meet someone, and I do fall in love, and then I can’t meet them. And because we are afraid of all the different outcomes, we’re afraid of success and failure actually, that fear keeps us from action. And the only way to really get that valuable feedback on your profile. You’ve heard me talk on the show before about how your profile is a living document. And it will change and evolve as you change and evolve. But the only way to really know if your profile is working or not, is to put it out there, put it out into the world and see what happens. So if you haven’t done the profile starter kit, it is Free a dates and mates.com that can at least get you started and get you on an app. Any app, people always ask me what’s the best app, the best app is the one that gets you started and just see the feedback that you get. And this is kind of a low pressure time right now. Because we don’t know when we might actually be able to meet up again. In many places I’m in California, I mean, we gonna be locked down until like December it sounds like but wherever you are, you are going to be starting at least the beginning of the relationship virtually so it’s kind of low pressure right low presh just start Jacqueline and girl Don’t even worry about the nail salons and the the hair salons. I mean, I’m going through my own experience. My daughter was nice enough to point out my gray hairs to me, thank you very much today. But besides that one most people Men Jacqueline prefer lighter makeup they prefer a more natural look. Somehow we look at Instagram we think like, oh, Kylie looks great. We need to slather our face with makeup so that we can look like that with all the filters and and be a an unrealistic, unattainable vision of beauty. But it’s crazy because that’s not actually what most people are attracted to most people want the real thing. So I would say just be your authentic self. But just to give you a little peace of mind, remember we are putting our best foot forward on the first date. And if you haven’t heard my video training, on video chat dating, it is in our Patreon community patreon.com slash Jason mates Of course always in the show notes. But if you haven’t gotten there yet, I’ll just give you a reminder that on a video chat date not everything is on camera. I hope Jacqueline Not everything is on camera. So just worry about the parts that are actually going to be seen. Don’t worry so much about having everything in your house look perfect, and having every hair on your head in place. Just make sure look, you don’t even have to wear pants if you don’t want to.

Because if it’s not going to be seen, maybe it doesn’t matter if it makes you feel sexier. Don’t wear pants, just make sure you’re not moving around a lot and keep your phone propped up on the desk. That aside, you just want to be your authentic self in the end. So think about what’s going to be on camera, make sure that you know what that looks like. And then you might even want to try depending on the platform that you’re on. Taking the camera off yourself. It’s it can take a lot of the stress off of like staring at one at yourself while also trying to focus on the person in front of you. I wish you lots of luck, Jacqueline, and I can’t wait to hear about the virtual dates that you have coming up. One more question for today. This one came to me on Facebook. Young lady says a guy and I matched on Bumble prior to all of this happening, but we never got the chance to meet up. We have facetimed twice. First time was two hours. She says that’s pretty long for first time meetup. And we text and Instagram every day finding it hard now that it’s almost two months in to keep this conversation going beyond the daily Groundhog Day happenings. She means like the Hey, what’s up? How’s your day? How’s your day? We’re having the same conversation over and over again. Incidentally, I don’t know if you know, I just watched that movie. It was just maybe it was like on cable. Maybe that’s what it was on Netflix. I just watched that movie again. So it’s funny that you would reference it. Anyways. She says it’s also hard not to get emotionally invested when you talk daily and you don’t know where the other person stands. Like If they’re talking to other people, and you haven’t even met yet, so what position Are you in to ask any tips for keeping an open mind and things to chat about until we’ve had a chance to meet? So my initial advice is that, y’all, we got to keep it loose right now, we got to keep it loose during during quarantine, because we don’t know how long this is going to last. And your feelings are totally valid. you’re investing in this relationship that might be a fantasy relationship. You may know that, generally on dates and mates, I’ve said, Get offline as quickly as possible, have a few exchanges online. And then you move to a phone call, preferably or a video chat, and then you move to a date. But now we can’t move to a physical date. So you have moved to the facetiming. But all of this text and Instagram every day is giving you these bursts of adrenaline that are building up this person in your mind and what that connection will be when you meet and so that’s why it feels like a little bit of a lag. down because you, you’ve been in it for two months, and you don’t necessarily have anything to show for it. So you got to do one of two things. One, we need to rip the band aid off and find out where this person stands. And this is something that I find it’s so hard for people to do. But it’s so such a relief when you finally do it. If you just are saying like, Hey, I’m really enjoying talking to you in and I’m not really talking to anybody else are you? And then you can find out like really, really get to the bottom of what is that thing that’s eating away at you about this situation? And they might say, Oh, yeah, I’ve been chatting with other people but nothing serious like you or they might say like, Oh, I’m just having fun right now. Or they might say no, I’m absolutely not talking to anybody else. But that gives you information. And information is ultimately your friend. It’s been two months. So in real life, that is a significant amount of time and this is enough time for you to just get a sense of where you stand. What I will say, though, is that you need to FaceTime more than twice before you have that conversation. And this is the same advice I’ve given for long distance dating, you have to almost treat it as if you are dating in real life. And even in real life after two dates, I wouldn’t say necessarily stop dating other people. But you have to figure out what the situation is in the real world. So set up a an actual date, a FaceTime actual date, where you’re doing an activity together. I’m actually writing an article write this right now on this I don’t know if by the time this publishes it will be released or not. But I’m writing an article on 10 home quarantine data ideas, I’ll give you just like a couple of them. You can actually do sip and paint night virtually. You can do a trivia night, do 20 questions gamify the date, make it fun, so it’s not just like sitting there for two hours staring at one another, and then really see what this relationship is. But you have to always keep in the back of your mind that until you meet in person, this is still a fantasy relationship. But you know what? Right now we’re quarantined. Life is tough. Things are serious. Maybe we could all use a little bit more fantasy right now. That’s it for today’s show. It’s number 307 of dates in mates, y’all. I’m on all the socials at damona Hoffman. I love your questions. I really want to hear from you. So please let me know what’s on your mind. You can send me a question for this show. You can send me a question for NPR. It’s been a minute with Sam Sanders, or send me a question for the la times maybe for all three. You can do this so easily just by giving me a call. leave me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 or shoot me an email Dimona at damona Hoffman calm you can just record a voice memo on your phone or email it over to me and you could be on NPR or on a future episode of dates and dates, just like Jacqueline. Thank you so much for listening. And by the way, if you’re ready to go deeper with me and you want access to that video chat dating training that I talked about earlier, or any other resources inside of our private community, I want to invite you inside the community, you can join me@patreon.com, slash dates and mates, it’s only five bucks a month. So I think that’s a small price to pay for an intimate relationship with me and the other dates and mates community members that’s patreon.com slash dates and mates. Do check the show notes for all the links that I discussed on today’s show. And for a cute little recap, with lovely gifts that producer Leo is top top notch at providing for us to help bring the dates and made show to life. Thank you so much for listening. Until next week, I wish you happy virtual dating

Vision Boards & Video Chat Love

VISION BOARDS ARE WHERE IT’S AT

Today, we’re talking about how vision boards can help you find true love – especially after tragic breakups and infidelity – with Dr. Casandra Henriquez, an intuitive love coach and matchmaker for successful women.

via GIPHY

More on that later, first Damona covers headlines!

DATING DISH (3:01)

Where all the singles are hiding right now

This week, Damona received a press release from Dating.com explaining the top five countries for dating apps right now: United States, closely trailed by India, then Ireland, the United Kingdom and, Spain. Do these countries surprise you?

Damona breaks down the full study and explains exactly what it means for you.

via GIPHY

Sex IS the best medicine, according to Dr. Oz

This week, MadameNoire asked for Damona’s comment on Dr. Oz recently “prescribing” sex to couples quarantined. She has thoughts.

via GIPHY

THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

DRAKE FINALLY REVEALED PICTURES OF HIS SON!! Adonis Graham doesn’t look… exactly how we expected but they make such a cute pair. Unfortunately, due to Drake’s recent exposure to COVID-19, he is spending time self-quarantined. Damona had advice for Drake and everyone quarantined from their loved ones.

INSPIRING MANY (12:00)

Dr. Casandra, known as Coach Cass by her fans, has a love story that might be familiar for some of you. After a really big break up, she realized it was time to find the real love she deserved.

Finding love after heartbreak and infidelity
Putting yourself in the bride mindset
Becoming a student of love
Making a vision board to find your ideal match

Find Coach Cass at RealLoveNetwork.com and don’t forget to go to get her FREE guide on How to ace the next date at RelationshipsforBusyWomen .com

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

From Mary via voicemail: I’ve been dating someone in another country on a dating app. We’ve been texting, but when we tried to move to phone it sounded very awkward and business-y. I let him know that the call was weird for for me, but now he is hesitant to get back on the phone. I want to do a video chat to see if this person is legit. Is this a good idea?
From Instagram: A guy approached me in the supermarket back in the December and we started dating and seeing each other. As time progressed our relationship didn’t, after broaching it he said he didn’t want to settle down yet. I didn’t want to but I distanced myself from him. Then 2 weeks later he messaged to see how I was. We started talking again but I don’t seem to get much from him. I know he likes me but I don’t get if he’s just playing a game?

BETTER HELP

Hey, are you ok?

Like really are you ok?

We have to admit, we’re not really ok with everything going on. We have had to do a lot of adulting in recent weeks but I’ll be the first to admit, this is tough. And there’s no shame in getting help to sort through the complex feelings you are having right now: whether it’s fear for family members, anxiety about being cooped up at home alone, or issues that are bubbling up in your relationship.

It sounds like you need BetterHelp. With Better Help online counseling you can connect with a professional counselor in a safe and private online environment. Since you can’t leave home any way, how convenient is that?

Get help on your own time and at your own pace. Plus you can connect in any of their 4 Communication Modes that works best for you: Text, Chat, Phone & Video

They have 3000 US Licensed therapists across all 50 states and are Available worldwide.

Plus, anything you share is confidential!

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:12

Hello lovers, welcome to dates and mates. We are recording this episode during what is week three of a stay at home order for me. And I know we are all in different phases of this pandemic, and of processing just what the heck is happening. I am here at home with my two kids and my husband and fortunately, I already had a home studio. So I’m able to keep making this show for you. And I want you to know that I’m going to be here for you through all of this. This show is about spreading love, and consciousness and we need that more than ever right now. I want to thank all of you who have sent me DMS and told me how this show has impacted you. Special shout out to Lauren and M. And Boyd and everyone who has reached out to me recently on Instagram to send a question or a note, to remind me of the reason why I do this show each week for you. It’s for you. It’s to help you stay positive and focused and compassionate, during what I know is a very challenging time regardless of your relationship situation. So please keep your messages and your questions coming. I am motivated by hearing what you’re going through and how I can help you. Most importantly, if there’s a friend who you think could use this show right now, do us both a favor and share this episode so that we can keep Healing Hearts at a time when we all need it. Love is the most powerful transformation tool. So I encourage you To spread that around, well, social distancing, of course, today’s guest I know you are going to love her name is coach Cass. And with her we’re going to talk about how you can believe in love again. But first I’ll be discussing this week’s headlines including where all the singles are hiding right now and why dr. oz thinks sex is the best medicine plus some advice for those who are quarantined without their loved ones like Drake, then coach Cass my guest and I will be answering your questions like How important is a video chat when you’re long distance dating and and what to do when someone tells you they don’t want a relationship but they won’t stop texting. All that and more on today’s dates and maids. I am pumped up and ready to dish she’s dating

Damona 3:01

My friends at OkCupid shared that 25% of millennials and Gen Z singles have been on a virtual date. Now, if we remember way back to my 300th episode where I talked about the future of dating and I said video, chat dating is going to become the norm. And we’ve talked about it every week since but here we are. Here we are just a few weeks later, and it’s now the only way to date. Now I do think that eventually it will become a step in the dating process. And not the whole shebang, of course. But when we look at the numbers dating comm also sent me where the top five countries for online dating are. And here where I am in the United States, people are connecting online for dating more than ever. India, Ireland, the UK and Spain round out the top five countries For online dating, and most of these apps have stats about how long people are staying on the app before moving offline. I’m really hoping that we’re seeing a shift, and that people are not moving offline and are taking these social distancing orders very seriously. Believe me, I know. I know the yearning for a relationship. I know that feeling, and that you want to get offline, but trust me, it’s not worth it. And I think this is ultimately going to be a really good thing for dating that were able to slow down the process. If you’ve been listening to the show for a while, you know, I’m all about slow love. And I felt for a while, like dating apps were a runaway train that I couldn’t stop that the speed had gotten so fast, and people were dating so many people at the same time. And stopping that filtering step that I have set for a long time is very crucial before you move offline to really see if there’s chemistry and connection Now we are forced to live in the filtering step. So remember the five step dating funnel, mindset sourcing screening, we’re kind of stuck in screening, but that’s okay. That’s okay. Because you can have presentation online, and you can ultimately have follow through, it’s just that the timelines gotten stretched out a little bit. So don’t lose faith, do use the apps, and try to stay positive about the fact that you’ll be able to build a deeper connection like, like love is blind. During that show, they couldn’t see each other at all. And look, we got some really inspiring marriages out of it. So stay strong and keep dating and keep sending in those questions about that. I did get a question this week from Madame Noire. They said that Dr. Oz was prescribing. I’m just imagining dr. oz with his little his little notepad writing prescriptions he prescribed Sex for couples to bring them closer together. And they asked me is that what I recommend? I’m gonna let you read the entire article I’ll put in the show notes. But I’ll give you a little taste of what I recommended. I think that this is actually a great time. Also, if you’re in a partnership to find creative ways that you can build your connection together, we have all fallen into the Netflix and chill, not just people that are in new situation ships, but those of us in relationships, myself included. I mean, it’s like it’s not Netflix and chill. It’s like Tiger King and chill. A glass of wine and watching TV becomes the default. And look at what an amazing opportunity we have right now. So we can’t go to our our standard dates dinner in a movie that’s off the table. But how can you be more creative? Right now if you’re going to do dinner in a movie and maybe you’re separated from the person that you’re dating right now? Maybe You get dinner from the same place. And then you watch the same movie together. Remember when we used to, like hang out on the phone and watch the TV show after school with our friends and talk about the show that we were watching while we were with them? Yeah, it’s like the same thing. So we can find that nostalgia. You’ve heard me talk about nostalgia, being able to bond to people. That’s a way to do it, watching a movie that you both saw from your childhood or from your teen years or college that you can connect on or do something that’s out of the box. I talked in the article about a sip and paint night. When have you let yourself just be free and be creative, and paint something that had no particular goal to it. Just something that was art for art’s sake. And the great thing about this, and I actually talked about this a little bit in my patreon video training on social distance dating, which I’ll put the link in the show notes for that too. If you haven’t taken this training. It’s, it’s really helpful as we’re moving into this next phase of what dating is going to be for the next few months. And it’s only five bucks to sign up and it supports the show. So I would love for you to become one of my patreon friends with benefits and experience, social distance dating tips, but here’s one of them. If you are planning the date as if you were meeting up together, and how you would prepare for that date, and do sip and paint night and, and then you have something else to focus on. It’s so much pressure for you to just sit across from a stranger on video chat that you’ve never met. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s even more pressure actually than a first date in person, I believe. Because in person you have, you have that chemistry and connection. You have physicality, you have the room, you have. You’ve heard me say this on the show before everything else that’s going on around you that you can look to emulate Comment on and when it’s video chat dating, it’s you and your living room and them and their cat. Okay? So we want to give yourself an outlet. Give yourself something that you can respond to connect to maybe it’s a game a trivia game, maybe it’s it’s sip and paint or you’re drawing each other. I don’t know. You can get as fine and kinky as you want to with it or keep it clean. But I just want you to have fun with it and don’t make it so serious. As we we are social distancing and different phases of this pandemic. I came across a story this week about Drake. And for those of you who don’t know, he actually recently just announced that he has a son, his name is Adonis Graham. He had him with adult movie star Sophie Brousseau. Now if you’ve seen this kid, and we’ll put on the dates and mates blog we’ll put a picture of this kid on the surface doesn’t look a whole lot. Like Drake, he has blond hair and blue eyes. Drake actually took two paternity test just to make sure Drake if you remember, like major Drake is both black and Jewish, his mom was blond, blue eyed. So it’s an it’s not a stretch when you understand genetics to believe that this is his kid, but on the surface is had to make sure, but Drake was separated from his son because he actually spent some time with Kevin Durant, the NBA star who tested positive for Cova 19 a few weeks ago. So out of as they say an abundance of caution. Drake self isolated, and that means that he couldn’t even be around his son and I know some of you, some of you may be listening to the show from the bed dealing with Cova 19 or something that you believe maybe Cova 19 and can’t even get a test for it. And that’s, that’s tough to. So we have to keep in mind that people are in all different phases. Have this. And if you are separated from someone that you love, it’s important for you to still just keep them in your thoughts and keep in contact the way that you can. If you can only I have a friend that actually has Cova 19. And she’s having trouble with just talking and breathing. So if all she can do is send an emoji to her daughter to let her know that she’s thinking of her, that can go a long way to continuing to keep the bond alive, so that we can all be together on the other side of this. Speaking of being together, we’re gonna take a break and I hope you will stick around. When we come back. I have coach Cass and I swear she is so inspiring. I am so lucky that I came across her and her wisdom and I can’t wait for her to tell you how you can believe in love again, stay with us. I am here Dr. Cassandra Henriques. She’s also known as coach Cass by her fans and followers. She’s an intuitive love coach and matchmaker for successful women. And she’s the creator of the love deck and the real love network, premier private community for single professional women. Please help me get big smooches to coach Cass.

Coach Cass 12:21

What’s up Damona? Hey, ladies.

Damona 12:24

felt bad. I’ve found that love across the miles and I’m just so glad that you’re here spreading the love and the joy because we need it right now. Coach Cass Oh,

Coach Cass 12:35

yes. That

Coach Cass 12:38

the Rona has us in its clutches but love will get us through!

Damona 12:41

. So I want to start out with your own story because I know you’ve been on this journey for a minute coach Cass Yes. And you’ve been you’ve been in the highs of love and the lows of love. But just for a lot of people right now that may be unreal. relationships that they’re trying to figure out like, is this. Is this the one is this the right thing? Can you start with the prior relationship? Okay, we’re in and how it’s led us to where we are today. Right?

Coach Cass 13:13

Well, once upon a time, Yo, I was dating a guy that I thought was the one. How many of us have thought somebody was the one before? All right. So we were dating I helped him build business girl, I went into debt for him. Why? Because you know, this was the person I was supposed to marry. So we traveled and everything and I remember one Christmas Eve, getting a call from a mutual friend and he’s like, hey, Cass Are you sitting like know what’s up?

Damona 13:38

that’s never a good sign.

Coach Cass 13:43

So I am, I sit down and he says, you know, that guy that you think is the one that’s so amazing? I’m like, Yeah, what about him? He’s married. Yeah, so how did he How did we wait, how did he even know? Dude, so, so essentially, he ended up going to like his house and coming across his wife like it was a whole It was like a whole thing. So they ended up having to Oh my

Damona 14:12

god, how did you met this guy? Originally?

Coach Cass 14:15

I originally met him through a network marketing company girl, you know, everybody’s so driven and well known. So I had gone on the company trips, we had been together at every briefing meeting, whatever. So you know, the last thing I think if somebody is married, if you’re told me around, everywhere, in front of everybody, yes, notice anything.

Damona 14:34

Everybody was just like, well, copacetic Yeah. And was this a situation like he was married but separated or he was like, married, married?

Coach Cass 14:44

So according to this friend, this woman was still around around, right. And so for me, that was tough, you know, so, and there’s a whole nother side to this story that I won’t even get into but it turns out that he replayed that story. Many times to other women, right? Which I found out later, which is a bit scary. So I wasn’t the only one. So it’s not that he was just cheating on his wife, but he was like cheating with many people, not just me. So here it is. I thought I was the only one when I was just one of them.

Damona 15:18

Wow, that must have been so devastating for you to because in your mind, you built up this whole life. And then it just all comes crashing down. How did you move forward after that?

Coach Cass 15:28

That was tough. So just think about it. So I left him, but then I still had a debt because of him that was still with me. And then it was the shame and the guilt. Nobody was calling me to say how stupid I was. But I felt like I was getting a phone call every day and that was me calling myself right. How many times do we beat ourselves up about our stupid decisions? So for me, I was in a dark place for a really long time. And one of my defining moments came when I got like my 29th wedding invitation. You ever feel like everybody was getting married, like Like everybody

Coach Cass 16:01

was like, why not me?

Coach Cass 16:02

Exactly. Right? What’s wrong with me? Exactly. And it didn’t matter, their age, their stage, their race, their weights, you know, all the excuses that we think we have. I’m like, Look, I’m cute, right? What’s going on here? And that’s when I decided really to become a student of love. I said, Look, you know, just like I invest in my business, my fitness, my travel, right? I need to invest in my love life. And that’s when I decided to become a student of love. So I read I consumed every relationship book I could find. I went to marriage conferences Dimona as a single woman.

Coach Cass 16:36

Like there’s, you know, those cutouts where you put

Coach Cass 16:38

your face in, I had my face in the bright spot and the groom spot was empty, and everybody’s like, guess where’s the groom? Like, he’s coming girl. He’s coming,

Damona 16:46

right? That’s a lot of faith is a lot of he’s still coming even after what you went through.

Coach Cass 16:53

Yeah. And the thing is that I kept dating and so the relationships really didn’t get better. I didn’t matter. I didn’t date anybody. So married, but you know, you know, it’s bad when you’re like, oh, let me try something new. Don’t do that, right. Data people I was absolutely unattracted to it was just bad. And so I really had to hit a pause button to get my love life. Right, starting with me, you know, and that’s really what started me on the path to doing what I do now. Yeah.

Damona 17:22

Wow. And so keeping that faith alive, and I, I’ve seen your TED talk. I know you also did a vision board, right?

Coach Cass 17:32

Yeah, it’s a vision board. Okay. So once upon a time, I was dating a guy, and I remember cooking dinner, which I don’t do often. Right. So that was a special night and I was cooking dinner and he came into the kitchen and I remember looking at my vision board because it was on my wall in the kitchen because I lived by myself so I could put it where I want to right so it was on my vision board on in the kitchen and I remember looking at the vision board looking at him looking at the vision board looking at him, and I started crying. And I remember him embracing me and saying what was wrong cast? What’s going on? I said, You’re him. He said, Who? I said, You’re him. He’s like, What are you talking about? Like, look at my vision board. And literally, I still have this vision board to this day. This man was to the tee, the man on my vision board from the experiences we had to how I felt to the way he looked. It was it was creepy. It was like uncanny. It was just like, wow, and now that man today is my husband and we live a life. That was exactly what was on my vision board. Now. I do believe in the way that you do the vision board in order for that to happen. But yes, it definitely happened for me and yes, I love helping women do the same, huh?

Damona 18:50

Well without getting into a whole vision board workshop. Yes. Can you give like your top two or three tips Yes. on how to make that vision board with purpose. We have time right now, we might as well do a little mind, dork and

Coach Cass 19:03

visualization are all right ladies. So for all of you listening, I want you to just close your eyes. And I want you to think about how you want to feel in your ideal relationship, right? What are the emotions that you want to feel in the right relationship? Is it joy, happiness, peace, excitement, passion, security, like how do you want to feel? I think one of the biggest things damona is that we mess up and we put this list of you know, six figure income earner this size shoe this size, body parts, you know, flat stomach,

Coach Cass 19:42

no kids, you know, I know receiving a very

Damona 19:47

different body part but yeah, yeah, I know you’re talking about you

Coach Cass 19:50

know what I’m talking about girl. Alright, so, passport, you know, we we took no guts, you know, we focus on these things that really don’t matter. At the end of the day, right, so if somebody has a good we can exercise together if they don’t have a passport, I can help you apply. You know, we focus on all the wrong things. So I really believe it starts with your emotions and how you feel because when we get in tuned with how we feel, when we’re around someone, when we take time to get to know someone, you know, when we get in tune with that, that intuitiveness our gut instinct, I believe it really leads us in the right direction. Too often do we look at the checklist of well, oh, no, he has two kids and an ex wife. I don’t know, before we even say hello. Does that make sense?

Damona 20:37

Yes. And I am so on board with everything you said about getting into the feeling my listeners have heard that before. Like what do you want to feel like with this person and put aside the physical Yeah. And get into that, that emotional place with that person and drill down into what is really important and so much of the time, I find that it’s just even stepping back To say, what do I want like right that that people who listen to the show no I do Fung Shui as well not I don’t I’m not a Fung Shui like expert. I practice punctuate with my Fung Shui expert. And I really believe like some of it is where you play stuff. The same with the vision boards. So much of it, though, is the intention behind it is taking the time to organize your thoughts or organize your stuff, or create the vision board. And I just did mine. I just shared it on Instagram a couple of weeks ago. free time. Really just like taking that moment to think about well, well, what is it? And maybe even I mean, how much of this was going back into your past relationships and examining like Were there any red flags before that I missed? Were there any signs? How do I how do I let that stay in the past and move forward in the future in another way?

Coach Cass 21:56

Right. One of the big issues I see right is that us women know exactly what we don’t want. But when I start to ask women, well, what do you want? You know, when I talk to my clients, but what do you want? They’re like, Well, let me tell you, I don’t want what happened with Billy or Johnny or Rashid. And it’s like, Wait a second, I’m focusing on what you do want and they’re like, Well, you know, coach, guys, I’ve never been in a healthy relationship, or have never seen a healthy relationship. And it’s really tough, right? Where are we learning about healthy relationships in a romantic comedies? Right, I call it rom com itis is suffering from this disease, where we all kind of want to be rescued by this Prince Charming that might slap us around, but he’ll sweep us off our feet in the end, and it’s just like, no, Focus. Focus on what’s real.

Damona 22:41

Yes. And I imagine that is part of what helps you build this real love network that you

Coach Cass 22:48

tell us a little bit about that. Real love. Oh, oh, I’m searching for that for you love. Okay. My day job. singing

Coach Cass 23:06

I am a first Hey,

Coach Cass 23:10

it goes down in history right here on dates and mates.

Coach Cass 23:14

So I yeah, I started the real love network because I had a business coach, right. So I believe that every coach deserves a coach. Every therapist needs a therapist, all of that, right. So my coach was saying, well, what’s the best way that you could really serve your clients? And yes, I have private clients and monthly clients and all that, but the way I side is just that, you know, we’re all in different stages of this love journey, and many of my clients would have seen is, it’s like the blind leading the blind, so you might have a good girlfriend, but she’s really not that great, right? She’s not giving you good advice. And yes, you might know married people, but they haven’t been on a date in 27 years. So the real love network is really to support you from self love to real love. So it’s like, if you’re scared to date, if you’re dating, if you’re trying to choose the It’s like being able to have a supportive community that doesn’t judge you. And this process but uplifts you, so we look at the whole woman, which I believe is a wanton woman, right? All my ladies are wanted women achieving new tribes every day, right? So now it’s like to figure out, who do you want and keeping you accountable to that because I know you’ve seen this right? Women will say, Well, you know, I want this great relationship, but then do everything to sabotage it. So it really is that home base to say, Okay, well, am I messing up? Or am I doing this thing right? and holding your hand through the process?

Damona 24:35

That’s so important, especially right now when a lot of people are sort of dating in a vacuum, right? We don’t have. We don’t have our friends at work to go and show our Tinder swipes to and ask them their opinion. So having a network of people that are going through the same thing, virtually is really important. Let’s say you have made a connection I assume online right now because unless you’re a like going to the park and meeting people from six feet away, right? I think that the dating apps are kind of the biggest game in town right now. And based on the numbers that we’re seeing, and the increases in new users and conversations, that’s definitely what people are turning to, to to to date. When you are ready to move on to a let’s say virtual date right now. What are some tips that you have for being able to make a connection with a stranger we don’t even have like that physical attraction Really? To to key off of

Coach Cass 25:36

how do you get going? Now you know, love is blind has been a very popular show on Netflix. All right, so you can connect with someone emotionally via conversation. I just got a recent client she’s she was talking to someone for three months and never met them now in regular life. This is a problem, right? So they were in Turkey. They said they were coming to visit you know all the red flags and regular life and I’m like, Okay, I think this guy is a catfish, but she totally was in love with this guy that she was on the phone with for three months. So it can happen where you can connect with someone emotionally. So it really is to understand first the attraction. So online dating profile picture, then it’s, you know, can I kick it with this person on the phone like a friend? Can we just talk about anything? Can we just have a good time? And then, you know, there’s that that backup of Okay, so what country do you live in? Or what state do you live in? And it might even be a small background check. If you find that you’re getting a little bit serious. Jason? Yeah.

Damona 26:39

I do think that it’s cool right now that we can expand our dating criteria like I live in Los Angeles and my clients here, like won’t date beyond a 10 mile radius traffic. That could be an hour long distance relationship. But now I’m really encouraging people to expand their search criteria, maybe throughout the state. Or maybe throughout the world because we can and this is a, I think we’ll look back at this time. If we survive it will look back at this time. I know we have to laugh about it because that’s laughing to keep from crying. But if we come out of this on the other side, I think we’ll kind of look back at this as almost like this magical time that we won’t get back of when we could date differently. We could expand our search criteria, we could date someone in another country and let that be okay and see if we can make a connection. But I want to get really tactical too on how to start conversations. I know you’re the creator of the love deck. Tell us what the love deck is and give me a couple of of good conversation starters when you are building from from from virtual scratch.

Coach Cass 27:53

Alright, so I created the love deck damona really because I realized, just think about it. What are the conversations We have a normal day to day life. What do you want to eat? and good night? You know, like, most conversations around food? Yeah, how was your day what you’re watching? And and, and that’s about it right and and we don’t really learn anything and I find that most of the times, you know we date in a bubble and so we don’t ask real questions. It’s just that chemistry and the physical attraction. And then you go from there and then you’re engaged and married like, oh, wait a second did I choose right and this whole situation? So the love deck is really to help you think of more meaningful conversations like Where did you learn about money? Right, like, hmm, or where did you learn about love? How important is sex to you? You know, there’s simple things that we really don’t ask or proud about. How do you feel about children? You know, that’s always like a touchy subject. But we wait until we’re knee deep to say, Oh, you don’t want kids but I do. Well, how about we talk about these things a little bit early. Earlier, right? Especially since you know, most women are getting older in age and so you know, we don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t in line with our true values. So it’s better to find out early but not in a quizzical type of interview manner. It’s more of a game. More of Hey, you know, I just got this love deck, you know, these are some pretty cool questions. So let’s pick from the deck and see where we fall. Right? And for those who are religious, it’s like, well, what do you normally do on a Sunday morning, right? So it’s like, just finding out what people’s beliefs are. I have a client, right? So she’s a Christian woman, and the guy she was dating, she overheard him talking to a friend saying, Oh, no, I don’t believe in marriage. That’s just a piece of paper. She’s like, Wait a second. I believe it’s a covenant of God. Like, wait a second, you know, and they didn’t really have that conversation. Here it is. She thought she’s on the road to marriage. And then he’s like, Oh, yeah, I guess we could sign it if you want to, like, no, this doesn’t work. So it’s really being able to have more meaningful conversations about what really makes As tick versus just you know what else is on TV or on Netflix?

Damona 30:04

I love that and it makes it so fun. Like you said, it’s sort of gamified these important questions because people are always asking me like, how do I, how do I bridge that conversation? How do I let him know that I want kids sooner rather than later or that I’ve been married three times before? Whatever you’re scared to share. I like that you’re making it fun so people can get the love deck on your webs website,

Coach Cass 30:32

inspire many Yeah, inspire many.com.

Damona 30:36

We’ll put that in the show notes. So you’re you’re a prolific creator, Coach cast. I know you’re all you’re creating. And you’re also you’ve written a book we were talking about, about, like the ROM coms and the story fairy tales, and I talked about that a lot on this show, too. But it’s hard for a lot of women that don’t even Seeing themselves reflected in the fairy tales. So tell us about this new new book that you’re writing and why you’re doing it.

Coach Cass 31:08

All right. So let me give you a little background on Mona. So I, my daughter was turning three and it was my first time trying to throw a birthday party at school. I’m sure you’re probably an expert by now but this was my was my first time and my daughters have a darker hue. So I thought it would be cool right to have a princess have a darker hue because everybody loves princesses. Now, what was disheartening is that I could find nothing. I searched the internet I went to stores. I went everywhere. everybody’s like, Oh, well, what about Princess Tiana honey? She has no birthday cups and plates, which is crazy. And so I really started to realize like, Oh my goodness, on television, there’s nothing there’s no one anywhere when it comes to being cool as a black princess. So I went to lunch with a friend and I was just doing a mock up of a princess and I showed it to her and then I showed it to my daughter Ava and my Data Eva looks at the picture. She looks at her hand. She looks at the picture. She looks at her hand. She says, Mommy, I don’t want this one. I want the other one. I want the white one. To Mona, my girlfriend is white. And she was just like crying. She was just like, I didn’t know I didn’t I didn’t know it was that deep, right. So just go back to the black doll versus the white doll. It’s not that the kids really thought that white was better. But the fact that you don’t see black on TV represented really represented like I wanted to Macy’s Kohl’s, dillards if you go into the children’s section, you will see Elsa, Ana, vamp arena, Peppa Pig, all these other things, but there is no black princess on the clothing, which is a pig for you’ll see the pig okay? You’ll see all these other things but no black princess when every little girl wants to be a princess. Just think about it. In terms of white princesses. We have every variation in every color hair, right? But a black princess. We have one and she was a restaurant. To write and a frog for the entire movie. So I am on a mission right now to create a black Princess, the new favorite princess for every little girl. So just like black girls can dress up like Elsa and I want white girls to dress up like princesses are. So I am on a movement I want this to be a cartoon shirts, TV, everything right? And the first step is the book. So princess are his birthday tradition is out on April 8. And I just pray that everyone really supports it to become a best seller and to push it to really become the movement of representation that it needs to be and not to stop there. There needs to be more but you know, this is just to get the foot in the door. Yeah,

Damona 33:43

that is so awesome. And like you said representation matters. And I really feel like it does impact the way that we feel about ourselves the way that like I have a lot of black women that listen to the show that have internalized some of these messages that we’ve been getting since the time we were all little girls and, and there’s love, like for everyone like you were saying at the beginning, you know there’s there is there is a happy ending for everyone and there is a match for everyone and we have to see it so we can believe it and continue to promote it out in the world. Coach Cass This is such great advice. I I’m, I feel so fortunate that that we have connected and that we can share your wisdom with our dates and Nate’s audience. We’ll put the link to all of your goodies in the show notes and inspire many. But before we let you go, we have questions that our listeners have submitted for our final segment of the day.

Coach Cass 34:42

Oh snap.

Damona 34:50

Here we go. Coach Cass we have two questions. The first came to us from Mary who by the way, guys, she left me a voicemail. I totally want to hear your voices. And I do, I will text you back, we can get into a little dialogue about what you’re going through. And I’d love to hear your voices and put them on the show. She’s feeling a little shy, so we’re just gonna, we’re gonna read her question, but if anyone wants to call me, you can call me or text me. 424246255 leave me a voicemail there. So Mary says, I’ve been dating someone in another country on a dating app, we’ve been texting, but when we tried to move to phone, it sounded very awkward in business he I let him know that the call felt weird for me. And now he’s hesitant to get back on the phone. I actually want to do a video chat to see if this person is legit because I really feel like we’re connecting. But I’m wondering if this is a good idea. What do you think about this? We’re just talking about like long distance dating. I mean, let’s let’s just first break break down like you’d said earlier the signs of a catfish So what are some of the signs that you tell your clients to look out for?

Coach Cass 36:04

The Okay, so if they live in another country one all right, can we see actual pictures that don’t look photoshopped to is what’s their name? Can you look them up online? Three? Are they making excuses of why you can’t meet in person? Right for Can you never get together on FaceTime? Right? Like I need to be able to see you, especially if you’re in another country and all we’re doing is chatting on the phone or via text. To me that’s a that’s a big sign that that’s not okay. So I need to be able to see you via FaceTime and when I call you answer right away, so all of those things, you know, it’s a big test when someone lives out of the country just because we’ve kind of been scarred by all these catfishing people that have nothing better to do with their time. It’s It’s It’s bad out there Dimona. It’s real bad. So yes, I would say to this young lady that okay if it seemed a little too busy Like remember that different cultures? People speak differently? Right? So maybe he was a little bit more formal. So I would say let’s do the FaceTime because at the end of the day, what I tell my clients, if you’re looking for a lifetime relationship, let’s not waste the time right? So I understand you like the connection of chatting on the phone or, or texting on the phone. But you know, looking for a pain, a pen pal, you’re looking for a lifetime relationship. And if that’s the true time to get face to face, and if you can’t do it in person, do it via FaceTime or WhatsApp or any of the other apps. Yeah,

Damona 37:35

yes, I totally agree with you. And I think it’s a good idea to schedule these video chats like big headline of the episode y’all. big headline. When you are moving from the chat to either a phone call or the the video, chat within the date or off the date, make sure that you are setting the time so you’re not catching someone off guard and that you’re also like prepping yourself. Because Well, this is what I think we forget while they’re filtering us be cute. Firstly, always be cute. But while you’re filtering them, they’re also filtering you. They’re they’re making judgments too. So make sure you’re really ready and that you’re speaking at a time when you both can be most present. Based on the full voicemail, it sounds like this guy somehow got a little bit uncomfortable with the after the phone call. And it could be it could be that he’s hiding something. It could also be sometimes the language barrier like even though someone might sound like they’re speaking really well in your language to you. It might be a real challenge for them to find the words and it that he could be reacting to that. So I don’t know coach cast like How hard would you push it because it sounds like from the voicemail she left me that he’s sort of hesitant now to even get on the phone or to do the video chat. But she’s like, do I invest more time in this texting relationship?

Coach Cass 39:08

Until I know, the thing is that they had a genuine connection, right? So to me, it’s not, it’s not bad to push it, just push it a little bit, try and get on the phone and see if that connection is still there. Because the last thing you want to do is let something go just because of apprehensions on his part, you know, so just help him to feel more at ease, say, Hey, you know, no judgement. I just want to see you I have so much time from texting with you. And you know, for us to move forward. I’d love to see you. And if he doesn’t want to do that, then Okay, we got to let this thing go girl.

Damona 39:45

Yeah, you laid it out in the perfect way to like I talked about inspiring him to show up for you. So saying like, I really just want to see your face and making it more about I’m invested in this connection to and I’m really interested in you and I think you’re really great as opposed to like, I need to assess the situation which you may not be thinking you sound like but you know, reread some of those texts because context can sometimes get lost as well. Coach cast I have one more question for you. This one came to came to us from Instagram. This lady said, a guy approached me in the supermarket back in December, and we started dating and seeing each other Doesn’t that sound like it sounds like a lifetime ago based on like how we lived our lives in December now. So she says as time progressed, our relationship didn’t after broaching it he said he didn’t want to settle down yet. I didn’t want to but I distanced myself from him. Then two weeks later, he messaged to see how I was. We started talking again, but I don’t seem to get much from him. I know he likes me, but I don’t get if he’s just playing a game

Coach Cass 40:59

sound Like games to means a Mona right. So, she said what she wanted, he said what he wanted and like Maya Angelou says, right, you know, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So at the end of the day, yeah, no, that’s not the person for you. He’ll take up your time. Everybody, you know, somebody likes to take up your time,

Coach Cass 41:21

especially now allowing them yeah.

Coach Cass 41:22

It’s you allowing them to do that, right. So I’d

Coach Cass 41:25

say let that one go. Until he figures himself out, like otherwise keep it moving. My whole thing about it is keep dating until you’re married, like, forget it. Like we don’t have time to be exclusive for three years for somebody to figure it out if I’m your wife or not. No,

Coach Cass 41:42

no, no, no, no.

Coach Cass 41:44

No, we need to keep dating. That’s it. Just keep dating right dates and mates just keep dating and mating. And at the end of the day, you’re me. Ma, exactly. And then you just sift them through. It’s like finding the diamond through all this rubble. And so if someone is not proving themselves to really be the one for you like keep it just keep it going and too many times we end up being serial monogamist Oh, well, I’m talking to this guy. So you cut off everything else who

Coach Cass 42:11

said to cut off everything else. Nobody said to do that. Right? Keep dating. That’s it.

Damona 42:17

But definitely, and you really hit the nail on the head when you said she said what she wanted. And I think that is the hardest thing for a lot of singles to actually express like, I want a relationship. I would like this to be more serious. That is so challenging to open your heart and say that so I just want to acknowledge and commend her for doing that. But now it’s in then thank you for invoking my favorite quote ever, like you got the answer. Now you have to hear it. And it may be painful and it may make you feel like you’re starting over again. And it may be frustrating, but I guarantee you it’s not as frustrating as if you stayed in the Situation ship for what another month, two months, three months and then ended up in the same situation. So, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for my Maya Angelou quote. I love it. I love it. I adore you. I am so glad that you were here to share your wisdom on dates and mates.

Coach Cass 43:18

Thanks for having me. Thank you and

Damona 43:21

you can find coach Cass and the real love network at real love network COMM And also don’t don’t miss her free giveaway. How to ace the next date. We will put the link to all of that in the show notes but that’s at relationships for busy women.com coach cast. I’m going to get this love deck too. I got I got to hook up these conversation starters. And you said there’s also there’s also some some uplifting, inspiring messages on the back of these cards right

Coach Cass 43:53

sessions. Yeah, affirmations

Damona 43:54

we all need all of this. Y’all do your vision boards, get coach cast this stuff. Get yourself on track because we’re in this social distance dating for a minute. But we have the tools to help you through it. Oh, thanks for being here.

Coach Cass 44:09

Thanks for having me to Moana. Yeah, it’s amazing.

Damona 44:14

I hope you enjoyed Episode 304 of dates and mates. Again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials. Please do connect with me. Send me your social distance dating questions. Send me your relationship questions. I love hearing from you guys right now. It’s giving me life to give you love advice, so please keep those questions and those thoughts and the feedback on the show coming. If you haven’t reviewed the show yet, it really does help us reach more people heal more hearts. So go ahead and review this on whichever platform you’re listening and share this show with a friend. And please do join me on Patreon. This is my special community just for my super fans, my friends with benefits and you do get benefits from me. including access to my private Facebook group and a lot a lot of extra dates and maids goodies that you may have missed over the years. I’ve been doing this show for seven years. So I have lots of wisdom to share with you there. And you’ll get access to that video training that I told you about and that’s at the $5 month level. So please join us patreon.com slash dates and mates The link will be in the show notes. Until next week, I wish you good health, good vibes and of course, happy dating but happy social distance dating

Master Class: The Future of Dating

WE’VE MADE IT TO 300 EPISODES!

via GIPHY

It’s my job to stay ahead of the pulse in dating, so you can focus on being present.

This special 300th episode Master Class is a list of tips based on my predictions for the future of dating.

Did you know that there was a 52% increase in revenue for meditation and mindfulness apps in the last year?

I know what you’re thinking: What does that have to do with dating and relationships?

It means that technology may not be ruining our connection to other human beings.

I always talk to my clients about staying present in the moment. One way to do this is to practice mindfulness outside of dating. Another way is to put your freakin’ phone away. (I’ll tell you how to do this in this week’s episode)

The fact that so many people are investing in mindfulness means that there is hope for the future of dating.

This special 300th episode Master Class covers:

How to survive the disappearance of dating apps
The ONE THING you must do before you start a relationship
The gender roles of tomorrow and how to prepare for this shift
How to diversify your dating pool now
and so much more!

via GIPHY

Here are a few Master Classes that might also help you on your journey:

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR LOVE IN THE RIGHT PLACES?

This is a way for us to connect on a deeper level and for you to get more personalized support from me on your love life.

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

There are three different tiers. One for our loyal listeners who want to connect with others and keep this show going strong for another 7 seasons.

an opportunity to work with Damona directly
to get quality advice that is tailored to your dating challenges
and to become part of a community that will help you find the healthiest, most loving relationships this year

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:12

Hello lovers and welcome to the 300th episode of dates and mates. kind of amazing that this little idea that I had seven and a half years ago, has turned into a movement towards happier, healthier modern relationships. We have seen a lot in the last 300 episodes. Here’s a snapshot at some of the things that were different when the show originally launched. The phrase swipe right meant nothing to you. Matt Lauer was still the host of the today show. Megan Markel was married to a guy named Trevor Trump wasn’t president and party affiliation wasn’t a deal breaker for daters. Caitlyn Jenner was still Bruce. And the transgender conversation had barely begun. The IUD was 900% less common to get as a birth control method. And online dating wasn’t the most popular way to meet. Actually, it was far from it. I could go on and on. But I think you get the point. Modern dating has changed at the speed of light, and it’s going to keep changing. My goal on dates and mates is to keep you up to speed with the changes and create an army of people who love love, and spread more of it in the world. So for the 300th episode today, I’m going to play Nostradamus a little. I’m going to be the Nostradamus of love, and I’m going to Muse about where we are headed in dating and relationships. And then I’ll share my tips and my stories along the way. And at the rate we’re going the future is going to become the Present, unbelievably soon, the maybe we’ll look back at this episode one day and say, Wow damona was so right, that was amazing. Or we’ll laugh and we’ll say, Boy damona was so wrong. Either way, we’re going to have fun along the way. This show today is broken up into three topics that I think are crucial to the future of love. First, technology, the ways in which technology is going to start changing our biology. Second feminism, women are at the forefront of change in all major societal shifts of the last century. And they will be at the center of this next wave of dating and relationship changes as well. Third, connection as humans, our drive for community sex and partnership, rules, everything. And as technology changes and feminism evolves, the way we connect and who we connect with is going to evolve right along with it. And now, part one, technology. Let’s take a look at the timeline of technology and love. computers were first used for dating in 1959. When two Stanford students tried their hand in matchmaking while conducting a class project for the happy families planning services, using a punch card questionnaire and an IBM 650 mainframe computer, they matched 49 men and 49 women. Then in 1965, Harvard students further the idea with a social experiment called Operation match. Millions of daters use the service during the 1960s paying about $3 to fill out a questionnaire. Let’s fast forward a little bit to the mid 90s when AOL launched and they had these chat rooms that were then popularized as a possible place for dating. In the film, you’ve got mail and now Brought online love connections into the mainstream. After that, we had Yahoo personals, Craigslist, personals, and match.com, soon followed. In 2003, after several years of using online dating sites, I met my husband online and became a dating coach. And I really started tracking this stuff. So here’s the deal, not much changed for many years. In fact, in February 2013, I released my book, spin your web, how to brand yourself for successful online dating, because I saw that profiles and the free to join pay to communicate model was about to change. I didn’t know what was coming next, but I sensed it was something big. Then later that year, something major happened. I call it

the Tinder effect on April 1 2013. For our very longtime listeners. You may remember I did a story on this very show about a little app that was taking Brigham Young University by storm. And it gave us a whole new way of dating. It was a free app. It had free communication. And it had the right swipe that did for online dating, which Uber did for transportation. It made it accessible to everyone, and extremely easy to use. The other thing it did, which was an important factor for the success of dating apps, is it leaned into authenticity? Instead of a nameless and sometimes faceless profile, you were a real person with a real name and a real age hopefully, and, and it took the fear away from this idea that you don’t know these people who you’re going to meet on the internet. You don’t know who they really are. Tinder was that game changer that I was anticipating. And it paved the way for the proliferation of dating apps. So here we are at today as many As a third of all relationships begin online. But here’s the thing that’s just looking at dating sites and dating apps. But the entire world of online dating is much, much bigger than that. Think of all the connections that you make online every day, from Twitter threads to Facebook groups, our entire lives have moved online, and so has much of our dating pool. Even when we’re out IRL looking for dates, many of us are still living in the virtual world being constantly connected to our phones. So how will this change in the next five years? Well, I believe in two ways. First, we are extremely close to a no stigma world for online dating. It’s not that long ago that clients of mine told me that they would never try online dating. In fact, I actually just did some new client consultations last week, and some of the things that I heard from Data is is that people still just want to meet in real life. But what we’re failing to realize is that online life is real life right now. And meaning IRL isn’t this romantic fantasy that we remember from the good old days, the world has changed. And you can either be nostalgic about it and get left out. Or you can accept it and get dates. So many people are mad at dating apps. And they’re saying that dating apps are the reason that they can’t date in today’s world. But the bigger issue is that the way that we communicate has changed. There’s a reason that I have a training on the texting trap that I did many years ago. And it’s because texting is at the core of our communication challenges. So much of what we say is conveyed through context and through intonation and body language and We are literally being forced to learn a new language right now to connect effectively with text tools. My tip is to check out my masterclass on how to communicate. If you really want to know how to text more effectively, and use emojis and mood modifiers and gifts as connectors and other tricks to improve your texting connection. I did a whole episode about it. It’s called How to communicate. We’ll put the link in the show notes. But in the meantime, we have to accept that this is for the foreseeable future, our primary mode of communication are you hearing me? This is really important. text based communication is now your primary mode of communication. Most people talk to other humans far more hours and speak to far more people today, through text through dm through email and other forms of written communication. So guess what lovers unless you have Cyrano de Bergerac in your corner, or me helping to write your messages, which you can do. By the way, if you’re interested in coaching, you have to learn this skill, specifically as it relates to dating and flirting. The number one question that I’m asked when people find out that I’m a dating coach is which dating app is best? They want to know what is that magic pill?

And I always laugh because there is no one answer to this question of what is the best dating app. Just as each one of you is different. The app that works best for you may not be the one that works best for your sister or your friend or for me or for any of my clients. I can’t prescribe the perfect app for you. You have to see how you like the functionality. You have to see how you like the matches and the results of each app to make a

Unknown Speaker 9:57

decision.

Damona 9:59

But here’s what I think. is next, the average number of apps that people are on is five. Even if you aren’t actively using five apps, most people have five apps or more on their phone, and five profiles that are circulating in cyberspace, potentially even getting matches that you may never see. So I believe that in the next five years, there will be a return to simplicity, with people choosing one or two apps to use, not five. Yes, I know a lot of you are breathing a sigh of relief right now. Just as we’ve seen a contraction in social media and people picking their one or two platforms to focus on dating apps will be the same way and people will choose their tribe. That being said, we are going to see a contraction in the world of dating apps. We’ve already seen, that match has bought up many of the independent players in this space. I know many of you don’t even know this. So I’ll lay it out. For you, in case you don’t know Matt owns, okay, keep it plenty of fish, hinge, and Tinder, among others. They tried to buy Bumble but Whitney Wolff is holding out. Maybe we’ll see in the next five years that Bumble will become one of their apps too. But my belief is that some of these apps are going to basically March, you’ll see the features that you love from hinge on match. Actually, they’re already doing this as they’ve added the hinge style of prompting questions, and allowing you to react to those prompts into match rather than the classic bio. But this will continue. And as those features begin to migrate to some of the bigger apps, the smaller ones will be absorbed, or made obsolete. Because this is a key factor of success for a dating app. You need critical mass for dating apps to work if there aren’t enough people there that you want to match with, no matter how great the function analogy of the app might be, no matter what great hook, they’re advertising. If the people aren’t there, it’s not going to work. So here’s my tip on what you can do to step into the future, hone in on the one to two apps that you like best, and become a master at those instead of hopping around to whatever app you hear is hot right now, or signing off of an app. Ahem, every three weeks when you start to get bored and new matches start to slow, go just a little further past the place where you usually quit, and see what happens. And I know you all like these free dating apps. Hmm. But don’t get too used to that. It’s one of the oldest marketing tricks in the book to give someone something for free and then you get them hooked on the product until they need that product or service so badly that they’ll pay for it. That free to communicate model is not simple. attainable for these businesses. And they are businesses. Yes, they want you to connect. And yes, they want to spread love. But essentially, they want to make money and they cannot do it on the free communication model. So eventually, we will see them changing over to a pay to join model like the old days of dating sites. Yes, this will result in a drop in users. But what you will get from it is a higher engagement so that you’ll have less ghosting and less of the, you know, those half committed daters that you’ve seen on dating apps up to this point that all of you are writing to me like how do you tell the people that are really there for serious business, from the people that are there to waste your time you slap a price tag on it, and the people that are not serious about it will melt away? In terms of features. Remember when I said that there’s been a move towards authenticity since Tinder made everyone use their real names instead of a made up handle or username. Well, the next evolution of authenticity in dating apps are you ready for this? It’s video. Now that I G stories have popularized peeking into people’s lives and now that the technology is there to support streaming video whether you are on Wi Fi or not, daters are going to start demanding that they see someone in person on video before a date. You know, I’ve been a longtime fan of the phone call. And I’ve been cautious. I’m the first to admit I’ve been cautious about the video call, because you never get a second chance to make that first impression. But I predict

that within one to two years, you will see me giving a training on how to ace the first video call date. And there will be a name for this date and I don’t know what the name will be. Probably bustle. We’ll call it The term in an article somebody will name this phase in the dating process. Maybe you’ll be the one to name it. If you have an idea of what to call the video date, DM me, and I’ll do a poll and I’ll write an article, maybe I’ll write an article for bustle about what this winning name should be. But it’s going to happen, it’s going to become crucial to the dating process. We’ve seen this video component already integrated into many dating apps. So you don’t have to give your number out or your skype name or download another app to video chat. And this is going to be the next big change in the dating process as it relates to tech. So get ready for it and catch your makeup on. Here’s the tip prep for a video call the same way you would for a regular date. And maybe that’ll hold you over until I do that next training one to two years from now. So who will be the leader in the world of dating apps though? Well, to answer that question, We have to move into part two of this masterclass feminism. Part Two feminism in 2016 when Kelly stackelberg was the head of Zoosk, I heard her speak at a conference. She said that online dating only worked when women were made to feel comfortable, and that women were the ones driving the dating process. All that time when you read the fairy tales and thought that the prince was the one taking the action, you misread the situation. The princess was inspiring the prince to take action, even though she wasn’t the one saving him. She was the one pulling the strings to make everything happen. And Kelly was exactly right. Bumble, which she was not a part of is now the second biggest dating app in the world behind Tinder. For those of you who don’t know, Bumble, the difference with this app is that you have to have a mutual match to communicate As you do on most apps, and then women have to initiate with the first message. Women were so tired of having their inboxes filled with guys that they hadn’t invited to their door, that Bumble put them back in the driver’s seat by allowing them to filter and choose who sends messages, but also, too, it asks them to drive the initial communication. This might sound familiar to some of my longtime listeners, who else said that women should initiate sending messages Hmm, who said that in her 2013 book, and for many years before that was even written that that was the process that we should follow. Yes, you got it. I have always known that women are doing the choosing, and that is when the best communication and connections happen. But what’s the real reason that feminism is driving dating today and in the near future? It’s not because of hashtag Me too. Although that is a factor. This may sound a little bit harsh, but stick with me. The real reason that feminism is driving dating today is because women don’t need men. There. I said it, but it’s true. For generations women have needed to partner off for their livelihood. They needed that for a roof over their head to have children to have a comfortable life. women had to have a partner. Even if a woman had the financial means to raise a child on her own. The stigma of having a baby out of wedlock was a strong deterrent. But this is 2020. Women don’t need to get married to have a child in the last year or four and 10 births were two women who were either solo mothers or mothers living with a non marital partner. And that’s according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 50 years ago, one in 10 births were to an unmarried woman and although women are still grossly underpaid in comparison to men. I will not get on my soapbox about that. Women

are now outpacing men in earning master’s degrees and doctoral degrees. And 10 and a half percent of women are now among the top earners in the workforce. And it’s growing. So watch out boys. So that explains a little bit about why feminism is driving manufacturers and dating, but it’s also driving relationships. A study came out a number of years ago that said men and women who shared domestic duties had 50% more sex than couples in which the women did most of the housework. Guys, I have your attention again, suddenly, as I’m talking about sex. Now keep in mind that most of these women who are doing the housework and maybe some of you listening right now, are also still going to work. So while we got ahead in the workplace, we were still living in our homes like it was 1950, which meant that women We’re getting caught in the middle and having to work everywhere that they went. And you know what that leads to tired women who don’t want to have sex. What else? women who are a boss in their position at work, but don’t feel fully appreciated at home. You know, what makes a woman feel like having sex being valued. It’s that simple. We have figured out the solution to this epidemic of married couples having significantly less sex than they did 20 years ago, which was reported on by a medical school in London that did a study of couples in relationships. This study also reported an increase in people wanting to have sex. So we’re not having less sex because we want to have less sex. We’re having less sex, because we just can’t. And leveling the playing field at home for women is the quickest way To get us out of this conundrum. So my tip, if you’re embarking on a new relationship, set the rules of the partnership early on, it’s much easier to do that than to try to change them once you’ve both fallen into the relationship routine, and equality is the name of the game. Now, I have to mention, as we’re talking about feminism, don’t tense up on me. What is feminism really mean? Well, if you Google it, you’ll see that it’s defined as the advocacy of women’s rights on the basis of equality of the sexes. It doesn’t say anything about man hating. There is no mention of traditional roles in the household. I sense nothing militant about it. Feminism simply means equality. And that is what we’re striving for equality partnership. But as we define partnerships in the new paradigm, they don’t necessarily look like they did 25 or 50 years ago. Which brings us to our third and final element of today’s show connection. Welcome to part three, where we’re talking about connection and how that impacts the future of dating and relationships. You may have heard me say on the show before that we are in the middle of a communication crisis. But it’s really deeper than that. It’s a crisis of connection. At a time when technology has allowed us to be always on always connected. We are more disconnected than ever, because we’re not running to our technology with a drive to connect right now. It’s our drive to disconnect from the reality that we’re in the need to escape the present moment that is sending us running to our phones. disconnection is driving connection. How backwards is that? But here’s the real problem. The problem moment is all that we have. One of the biggest things that I coach my clients on is staying in the present moment on a date is that that is where all of the interesting stuff is happening. That’s where you find out all the information that you need to know. That’s where you get all the fields. But we are so fixated on our past. And whatever story we’re telling ourselves about the past, or we’re busy romanticizing about the future and what this person might mean to our lives down the road that we’re missing what’s right in front of us in real time. And we are all desperately wanting that connection in the present moment. We are aware of the connection crisis. Why else would there be a 52% increase in meditation and mindfulness app

revenue in just the last year. We are so dissatisfied from trying to escape At the present moment that we are willing to pay to be brought back into it. And in relationships, it’s vital that we are connecting to each other in the now, not over text, which can be time shifted, not over technology, but through direct in person human connection. Here’s my tip, to create more real time connection. Make sure that you are putting your phone on silent during a date, and tell your date that you’re doing this, thereby focusing your mind on what’s in front of you, and essentially telling them the level of focus that will be expected of them throughout the date. As we look to the future, we will see an openness to finding human connection in different ways than we saw in the past. First, the binary is behind us. While the human race has been propagated on this idea of man and woman, and I No much of the advice that you hear on the show is delivered in more of a gender binary framework is that is still the point of view of the majority of my audience right now. Society is opening up to different possibilities that we weren’t even aware of in previous generations, as we are sought out to find this connection. I remember watching the movie Chasing Amy with Joey Lauren Adams and Ben Affleck. And in it, Joey Lauren Adams character declares herself to be bisexual because by defaulting to straight, she automatically cut out half of her potential dating options. Just seeing this one movie and hearing that thought, made me completely reframe my perception of sexuality. So the next week I declared the same thing about my own sexuality. Soon after I declared it I realized that I’m very, very low number on the Kinsey scale, which means I am super attracted to men. But I needed that moment of opening up to the possibility to really be able to explore my options, expand my mind, and go after connection to figure out really what was right for me. And that’s what’s happening right now. We are waking up to possibilities of different gender identities and definitions of sexuality. We are not even really locked into this idea of bisexuality, you can be pansexual, you can be omnisexual, you can choose not to choose a label at all. And that only amplifies your options and your possibility of finding a match who meets you on a deep emotional level. And Mark my words, someone listening to this podcast right now will be in a relationship in five years, with someone of a gender identity that you didn’t think you were attracted to. might be you. And when that happens, I want you to message me. And to acknowledge that this was the moment that you opened the door just enough to let in a deep connection. As we’re talking about people of different backgrounds, and you expect one of my favorite dating topics, interracial dating is going to go through a massive expansion in the next five years. Massive. Okay, I don’t know, for those of you who’ve been watching, love and love is blind. I’m not sure why it took Lauren and Cameron for us to all get the message, but I’m thankful that it put interracial dating on the map. And it allowed us to see what happens when you judge someone truly by the content of their character, not by the way they look, but by the way that you connect with them. Looking at the most recent data 17% of all US newlyweds had a spouse of a different race or ethnicity, marking on more than five fold increase since 1967, when only 3% of newlyweds were married. We have many more things in common than we have different about us. Plus, the only way to overcome our differences is by creating connection across race and across nationality. Oh, speaking of nationality, interracial dating will also be on the rise over the past 30 years k one fiance visa is issuances. That’s a tough word to say. International dating will also be on the rise. Over the past 30 years k one fiance visas have increased by 75% as dating apps and Skype and WhatsApp and

all of these tools have made connections possible from country to country. And we will continue to see more of that. I have so many of my clients that have met and married internationally over the last 15 airs. So if you’re listening to this, and you’re single, your best possible match may not even be in this country right now. Here’s my tip. See what happens if you drill down to the three must have values and qualities in your match the ones that really matter to long term connection, and then take away anything that is a would like to have quality, anything that would deal with location, ethnicity, age, height, maybe even gender, and then see what magic might happen. This is such an amazing time. Our dating pool has expanded so dramatically in recent years. A study of census data in the 1950s if any of you read that book that Aziz Ansari wrote called Modern Romance he, he cited this data that as many as possible Third of people married someone who lived within five blocks of their home. five blocks. You were marrying your neighbors just 70 years ago. And now your dating pool has expanded to anyone in the entire world. This gives us the ability to choose partners who are more ideally matched, but also who can help us expand our worldview. What a wonderful time to be single, and to have choice. Those are my predictions for the future of dating and relationships. I also predict the dates and mates and I will still be here dishing out your advice in five years. Your love advice I want to say I also predict the dates and mates and I will still be here dishing out your love advice in five years. I love hearing from you. So please share your reactions to this episode with me either through social media or throw a review on your favorite podcast platform. And if there’s something in this episode that you think could help a friend out if there’s some way you can expand their mind and possibilities for finding love, please do us both a favor and share this show with them or post about it on social media. So we can spread the love and we can heal more hearts. We will be back again next week with a regular episode but today, I just want to thank you for 300 episodes of doing what I truly love, sharing the love I feel in my heart. And I love that I know it’s possible for you to feel to Until next week, I wish you happy dating

Good Men & Finding Love Again

HAPPY WOMEN’S HISTORY MONTH, LOVERS!

You’ve heard us say before that this is the best time in history for women to be single – and everyone else on the planet, too.

I know you’re skeptical. If you’re frustrated in dating and feeling like you don’t have good dating options then this show is for you.

Today, I have a very special co-host joining Damona. You may remember him as her co-host from the groundbreaking TV series #BlackLove where they teamed up to teach black women how to date in New York City. Hard to believe but this year will mark 5 years since that groundbreaking show was made.

Jack Daniels – aka the King of Breakthroughs – is a psychotherapist and founder of the Good Men Introduction Agency, a new twist on dating.

He is a 5-time bestselling author of books like “Stay Out of Your Own Way” and “I Need a Wife – Where are the Real Women?”

You’ve seen Jack in Fox News, Bravo, A&E, Nightline, Lifetime, CBS, NBC, NPR, Real Housewives of Atlanta, and so much more!

And now he’s here to answer the question: where are all the good men?

More on that later, first we have headlines!

DATING DISH

Are there actually plenty of fish in the sea?

According to this article from the Atlantic, dating economists argue that dating is not a 1:1 market. What does this mean for you? Damona and Jack break it down.

Finally a reality show for single seniors!

The Hollywood Reporter tells us that ABC has announced a “Bachelor for seniors.” Damona thinks this is a great concept for a forgotten market. Does Jack agree?

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Should you date in the workplace?

Recently, WeWork announced that a member of their executive staff has stepped down after promoting someone he was in a relationship with. Damona is very adamant that you should not date in the workplace (Bonus Reading: Damona’s NPR LifeKit episode on dating in the workplace.) Jack disagrees!

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WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD MEN? (14:60)

Jack tells us about his new approach to dating! If you are feeling stuck in your city, trying to find all the good matches, his dating introduction service might just be the solution for you.

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Find Jack at jackadaniels.tv and join the list at goodmen.tv!

TECHNICALLY DATING

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Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

EMAIL from D – I’m a soon to be 40/male and I’ve never had a girlfriend or hooked up with anyone. It’s not that I think I am unattractive physically, I just feel like I’d be viewed as something sub-human if I revealed my lack of dating skills – I basically never get past a first date and I wonder if there’s any hope.
DM from Lisa – Curious after how many dates you should have the “are we exclusive talk”

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:12

Hello Lovers, Happy Women’s History Month. So you’ve heard me say before, that I believe this is the best time in history for women to be single. And actually for everyone else on the planet to be single and dating too. I know you’re skeptical, right? If you’re frustrated in dating and you feel like you don’t have good dating options available, then this show today is for you. Today I have a very special guest joining me You may remember him as my co host from the TV series hashtag black love. We teamed up then to teach black women how to date in New York City for that show and it’s hard to believe that this year will mark five years since that groundbreaking show is made. jack daniels is the king of breakthroughs. He’s a psycho therapist and founder of the good men introduction agency, which is a new twist on dating and matchmaking. He’s the five time best selling author of books like stay out of your own way. And I need a wife. Where are the real women? You’ve seen jack on Fox News, Bravo, Annie nightline lifetime and so much more and now reunited and it feels so good. Please help me give big smooches to jack daniels.

Jack A Daniels 1:39

What’s happenin! I’m excited to be here. I’m excited for you. Almost like 300 episodes in oh my goodness, you are killing it right now.

Damona 1:55

Well, it’s amazing to have you here and it’s amazing to hear your take on the topics will be dishing about today, including our they’re actually plenty efficiency, dating economists say no. And finally, a new reality show for single seniors. Plus, should you date someone at work will tell you the pros and cons and then we’ll answer your questions including, is there no hope if you just can’t get past the first date? And how many dates should you go on until you have the DTR? Talk? All that and more on today’s dates and mates? jack? Are you ready to hit these headlines?

Jack A Daniels 2:33

Oh, no, those are those are some deep topics we don’t have. Well, we’re in it. Now. I got some stuff to say. These dating dish.

Damona 2:43

According to the Atlantic, there was a according to the Atlantic, we have to look at dating in a whole different way. There was a very in depth article about the economics of dating and they acknowledge that most people Think of dating as a numbers game, but they were saying that that approach actually can make you suppress your honest expression of how you’re really feeling about dating. It can drive you into loneliness. And it can force you to keep this this desire to find a relationship but but feel like you’re not getting your needs met online and yet you keep doing it because you can’t stop because you’re addicted to it. JACK. I know we’ve been we’ve been doing this for a long time together. But I want to know what you think about dating today. Do you see it as a numbers game?

Jack A Daniels 3:40

I see it as a mess.

Jack A Daniels 3:45

Can you be more specific, sir?

Jack A Daniels 3:48

When you say like a numbers game, I see. So I’ve done this. I’ve done this for a while. And the hardest thing for people to do is to pick right and the more option You have the harder is going to be to actually pick. So they did this interesting study and I can’t remember what university it was at, but it was they did a they did a study in a grocery store, and they were trying to see in survey who bought jelly. So they put out like 16 bottles of jelly in different flavors, different packaging, and then it had people taste them. And they were trying to discern who was actually going to buy the jelly. So they put out 16 and then they put out for statistically 30 was it 30% more people bought when it was only four bottles of jelly versus 16. Meaning that when there’s more options that are available, you can’t make a decision. And it’s just like that when you’re talking about dating, it’s just like that in this dating. There are too many options available. I mean, if I don’t like this one, I can go to this one. If I want Like I can swipe left, swipe right, all these different swipe, swipe, swipe? Is there too many options? I used to be like, you know, I dated the girl from neighborhood or from from high school, right? But today, it’s like, if there’s an infinite number of possibilities that are available, and I think people were taking advantage of it.

Damona 5:21

Okay, we have to break that down. Because obviously, I’m a big believer in online dating. And we have seen a big shift, like you were saying, since even just the 1950s, where your dating pool was basically just the five people who were your age in your town, and as people moved into cities and started to form their own social circles, and we could get into a whole conversation about the way that birth control affected people’s ability to have relationships out, necessarily having to marry that person. There’s so many layers to this conversation. But I think what there is a problem right now in, in dating apps, because we’re shopping, we’re buying the jelly but we don’t we never read the label. We don’t know what’s in it, right? We don’t we don’t know how many calories it has. We don’t know if it’s using GMOs. And we’re just like, oh, that jelly looks good. And we just pick it off the shelf. And then all of a sudden, we’re like, I just read one. Right. And before, like, when I met my husband online, the the application process, the profile creation was very, very thorough. So I felt like I was dating better than because I actually knew more about that person than if I met them by chance. But now we’ve almost done a 180. And now we’re meeting people by chance, except for we’re meeting them on a dating app. And they’re just don’t really know anything and like you said, it is a swipe, swipe. So we’re not making a connection to the people and it’s it’s like this article Saying people are looking at dating someone. It’s like a commodity, but it’s a commodity with feelings. It’s not grape jelly.

Jack A Daniels 7:09

What’s crazy Shelly, right? What’s interesting to me is the whole connection piece. And I think that it’s become so static, that we don’t even look at people as people anymore. Because it I mean, and I’m not saying this to put down like online dating, but I’m saying if I’m looking at a static picture, I’m looking at a picture versus a person. And I don’t have a chance to get to know that person because my insecurities or the things that I value or I don’t value or that I’m heard about the last in the last relationship or from the last relationship, they show up in a way that doesn’t allow me to actually like or get to know this person. And I don’t I don’t get smeller hair hugger. I don’t want to know if she has like, like stinky perfume or, you know, like all of those things that attract us are repelling us a little bit because everything static right now and I don’t have a chance to actually connect, you

Damona 8:13

brought up a really important point that leads us to our next headline about when you are older. Sometimes it feels like you don’t have as many dating options. And as a response to this The Bachelor for the first time they put out a casting call looking for singles over 65 they’re saying, Are you are you entering your golden years and looking for romance? If so, you could be on the bachelor and I hear this all the time. As someone that also does a lot of TV. A lot of times, I’ll ask my people on my mailing list like would you want to be on a show and many times the TV networks are saying they just want it for what quote their audience. So they want someone 25 to 35 and I will I’ve just I’m just putting out the call I’ll get a lot of angry emails towards me of like, Well, what about me? I’m over 65 I’m still looking for love. Why isn’t there a show for me? Now they have answered your prayers. JACK, what do you think this, this show will be like? And do you think people are actually going to want to watch someone over 65 fine, left?

Jack A Daniels 9:19

Listen.

Jack A Daniels 9:22

There’s not an eat. There’s not a day that goes by I don’t get an email from someone over the age of 55 and saying, I want love to. I think it’s a fantastic idea and a forgotten market that hasn’t been tapped into it because you got a lot. You got a lot of spunky, you know, 60 plus year olds that are really like, I mean, I had a guy just I just had a speaking engagement like a couple days ago. guy was like, Hey, I’m out here. He’s like, he’s like 60 bucks. But here’s the thing that I found and I don’t know if you if you found this damona But what I found about People and somebody needs to do something. But what I found and discovered in my experiences is that and the reason I don’t offer the service for elder people, I haven’t been able to find quality connections for women that are of that age, because the men are not checking for the women

Jack A Daniels 10:24

at a parallel age,

Damona 10:25

but I feel like I feel like that is a what they what you put on a an application or what you say you want, and who you’re attracted to are two different things. And so what I try to do with women over 65 is make sure that they don’t go into it with the mindset of everyone. My age only wants to date someone younger because then then you’re then you might as well just stay at home and what

Jack A Daniels 10:51

I’m just I’m like every guy I’ve met,

Damona 10:56

because they’re reporting it, but that doesn’t mean that if they’re attracted to a woman A man who is 65, who’s their own age, they won’t go out with her. And that’s what studies studies show. Men will if you want, because if they find you attractive, they will still go out with you.

Jack A Daniels 11:09

It’s true.

Jack A Daniels 11:12

I don’t know, jack, we gotta give the latest

Jack A Daniels 11:15

interesting to watch, because I think a lot of what we’re talking about is actually going to come up on the show. I know it’s gonna come a horror show. I think it’s just going to be one of those things that I would love to see how to do it just so I could tell my mom how to do it a little bit better in the streets, send your mom

Damona 11:35

on the line and we’re gonna hook her up and you’ll see what I’m talking about. This is why I love I love talking with you jack because we have different perspectives, but we we both want the same thing we want people to find love, but I gotta tell you one place that I do not recommend looking for love is at work. I just did an NPR podcast called Life kit where I shot down all the reasons Why you should not you should not i, where i talked about all the reasons why you should not date someone at work. And here we have another another major scandal we work executive stuffed down this week due to a relationship. His name is Grant McGrail. He was VP of account sales, and he’s now under investigation for a romantic relationship with a team member whom he promoted. And what I said on the life kit episode is that it’s not just about you, when you’re dating in the workplace, you have to consider what are the consequences for other people and here, you know, somebody didn’t get that promotion they were looking for and they’re like, Well, except for Grant has been banging this other chick and not telling the company about it. So I have a hard line on dating at work, jack, but, you know, I that’s just my perspective. What do you think?

Jack A Daniels 12:55

As a tough one for me because I actually date the person I work with so no,

Damona 12:58

but you weren’t dating before. You nowadays? Well, now you’re married to someone that you work with, but you built that together.

Jack A Daniels 13:06

Yeah, you know, I used to be a manager in corporate America. And it’s, that’s a tough question because we spend 70 80% of our lives at work, and the other 20% of going home, and I’m by myself. So if I’m surrounded by people that are of the same age, we have the same compatibilities, the same likeness, and we’re both single. I’m kinda like, this shouldn’t be anything wrong with it, if we’re both equals Now, if the story that you just told he was her superior and she was his subordinate, it gets a little, just a little fun tracking. At the same time, I’m almost like, I’ve dealt so much with human resource issues if they are two consenting adults dolt, and no one is heavily benefiting from the relationship. And they’re just consensual adults having a relationship I don’t really see that much wrong with and I know there’s some complications that can occur. I know that there’s some some. It’s just it’s a touchy subject. So I don’t want to like put my foot in my mouth as a guy. Because I don’t I don’t want to be that guy. But I would. I’ll say this, I would never do it. Only because I know that it’s a tough situation. But I have been around people that have found love and work. And it’s not like, Yeah, he was her boss, or she was his boss. And they couldn’t reveal their relationship at work because of whatever the Code of Conduct was, but they were in love. So I’m like, you know, you got two people that love each other, like, let them do what they do.

Damona 15:01

Well, I respect that opinion. And no, no, no, I respect that opinion. And I know sometimes you don’t you can’t control who you fall for. I would just say think through it. Think of the possible consequences. You can listen to my life get episode, I’ll put a link in the show notes, and see all that like, go through the checklist and really think about it. Because this is another thing, and we’ll talk about this a little bit more after the break. Do you have to go into love mindfully today, and I feel like one reason that so many people are frustrated is that we’re kind of dating by chance out here and we’re swiping right and left like you were saying, and we’re like, oh, I spend 80% of my time at work. So I’m just going to date someone here. And there isn’t enough consciousness around who you’re choosing to, to be with and I know this is something that you’ve you’ve dedicated several books and a lot of your your own personal, personal life, to finding someone That’s not just a match, but someone who’s the right match. So after the break, I want to hear more about your own love story. And what the kind of transformations that you’ve created for people in the all the many years that you’ve been doing this, so stick around with me jack Well, yeah,

Jack A Daniels 16:16

I’m not going anyways,

Jack A Daniels 16:19

we’ll be right. We’ll be right back.

Damona 16:28

We are back here with jack daniels, my co host from the TV show hashtag black love. And jack you know your You are so great at giving advice and helping people see what they really need in love and creating a path to get there. Thank you. But I know you’ve been there before on the path that many of our listeners are on and it hasn’t always been smooth. Can you tell us a little bit about your own love story and then where you’re from Relationship statuses today

Jack A Daniels 17:01

was actually married before to my college sweetheart. We were in love. Everyone looked up to us. And we were like that it couple and we were young. But we were going through life together and everything was great. Everything was fine. Until one day she came home and she said, I don’t want to be married anymore. I was in shambles. And I was totally out of my element. And I’m sitting there in this house with half the furniture gone because she taken it. I’m sitting in I hear this voice that tells me like, stay out of your own way. The phrase, I’d never heard it before. I’ve never seen it and I’ve read it before this was years ago. And that phrase literally changed the trajectory of my life. It it changed who I was inside. I mean I shaved. I cut my hair. I got myself back together, I picked myself off of that Florida I was curled up in a fetal position and I went, and I started activating and walking more in purpose. I quit the job that I hated. And I did all of that. But that’s not even the best part of what it was that I stepped into after I got up off of that floor after I wrote that phrase and sealed it in and embraced staying out of my own way. The best part is I married my best friend five years ago is such a blessing because it has allowed me to just just have and find the love of my life, but also be the love of my life because now I love myself better and because I love myself better. I’m able to love a lot more people not just my wife and my three future girls, I’m about to be a girl dad joined so yes, yes, it just I’m full of love and I love for other people to have it in Well, so,

Damona 19:01

so I want to talk about before you, I, I’m so happy for you, jack and I, when we first met five years ago, you guys were newlyweds. And I was like, oh, and you were just building the life. So it’s really beautiful to see it come full circle for you. But before, there’s a part of the story that I know our listeners are like, But wait, in addition to filling yourself up and feel it being on purpose, and getting out of your own way. There were other actions that you did take to bring the right woman into your circle. And I know you wrote a book and you did also a tour on the topic. It was called the book is called I need a wife. We’re are the real women. And I know for a lot of our listeners, they’re like, I totally relate to that. Where are the real women? were the real men. Can you tell us a little bit about what that tour was? And do you feel like it did bring the real woman into your life that you should be.

Jack A Daniels 20:02

Yeah, yeah. It’s funny you remember that? That’s good. Um,

Jack A Daniels 20:07

the key word is intention. intention is so big for me. I’m intentional about everything that I do. And I don’t do it just to be doing, you know, going through the motions. And I think that most people just walk through life blindfolded. Just jaywalking. Like, like I, but I’m extremely intentional. So I need a wife, where the real women that was my fifth book, huge. And what we did was we did this tour, we toured 14 different cities, over 22,000 people showed up and we had all of these guys on these panels that are saying, Hey, I’m single, successful and ready to be married, but I can’t seem to find a quality woman. I’m like, I okay, I’ll put you out there player. So, we went to all these different cities and we had all these different guests. That are saying, Hey, I love it. And they were talking about relationships, and sex and commitment and all these different things. And for me, I used to walk around with a shirt that said, I need a wife right there was I wasn’t looking

Jack A Daniels 21:16

vulnerable though to even say

Jack A Daniels 21:20

I don’t think I was in my head. I wasn’t doing it for me, but subconsciously, I wanted that I still want even though I was hurt, even though by most men standards, I’d be damaged goods, because I can go and I can go because if that happened if movement most men get hurt like that, they go and they try to hold a way out of healing.

Jack A Daniels 21:43

Right? They go their way out of here.

Jack A Daniels 21:46

Oh, yeah, they just like they go smash everything in like, Okay, well, I don’t trust women. I don’t want it happens. Council like, it happens.

Jack A Daniels 21:56

It happens with women too, by the way,

Jack A Daniels 21:58

I know and i’ll get I was one saying I calcium, so many people. So I hear the real truth about what’s going to let you sleep away.

Damona 22:08

But I said, Yeah, but it’s empty. It’s not you’re chasing a connection.

Jack A Daniels 22:12

It’s just it’s you, you’re looking for something. So for me, the connection that I was searching for was, hopefully I can give that to someone else. Like if I can help someone else receive this. Maybe I’d be blessed enough to see with myself. That was a lie. I wasn’t given just to get but I was thinking like, well, maybe this is my purpose, my calling. So what I want people to understand is that it’s not just about activating your calling and your purpose, but it’s being intentional about what your love story is going to be creating a love story that makes sense to you and playing a pivotal role in that love story. instead of allowing somebody else to direct it. Like you, you are the director. So if you want something You need to go after another thing that I want to say. And I think this is really important because I didn’t do this on my own. Yes, I was able to get clarity about what it was that I wanted, but I was also able to get help. And sometimes people think that they can do it all by themselves, it’s okay to raise your hand and say, I need a little bit of help. So I went got counseling, too, because I had some stuff had some stuff that I needed to clear out. And to your point, damona I could have utilized that stuff as a starting point to be able to just become the most outrageous hole in the world. But I wanted to I wanted to deal with what it was that I was feeling and that’s

Damona 23:49

so I don’t we all have stuff like I’m sure there are a lot of people listening that are like, Oh, I’m operating from my stuff instead of

Jack A Daniels 23:59

have to acknowledge You deal with it is you can’t fix what you can’t face. And I needed to face what it was and who it was that I was about to become. Because I didn’t want to be that person. So we were at a country and we had all of these guys that were saying, Hey, man, I love I love women. And we hooked up so many men 73% of all of the guys that were on that tour, and I’m talking about the people that I picked to be on stages with me. 73% of all of them are now either engaged or married. Wow. And like all

Jack A Daniels 24:37

good stats. Yeah.

Jack A Daniels 24:39

We mixed and mingled and we brought all these people together and women were saying, what, where are the good men? Here they are right here. They right here.

Damona 24:47

So now you’re you’re extending this, you’re you’re still creating connections and opportunities for people who are relationship minded to get out there. So tell us a little bit more about this next phase. Is of evolution for you.

Jack A Daniels 25:01

So I was still traveling around and I was still, like, intermittently, I wasn’t doing a lot. But everywhere I went, I was doing speaking and storytelling seminars and teach people how to tell their stories and clarify their messages, etc, etc. And people were still asking like, well, where all the good men, like? You keep saying this whole bunch of good man. What again? What am I supposed to do that started this campaign that would tell women like, you know, he can’t find you on the couch.

Jack A Daniels 25:35

That’s right. That’s right. Like

Jack A Daniels 25:36

for the last three and a half years, I’ve been saying the same and he can’t find you on your couch. You got to get off the couch, to be able to do something and I know it’s like the online thing and, you know, online dating, etc, etc. So,

Damona 25:51

I do not but I just have to say as far as online dating, I have to remind everyone that if you’re not actually going on dates, you are not dating There you have a profile that did. Yes. So I’m with you, you got to do something.

Jack A Daniels 26:07

Yeah. So are visible.

Jack A Daniels 26:09

So I was I was encouraged or encouraging people to get off the couch and to get offline. And I was encouraging people to do it. But I didn’t have a solution or a strategy or a mechanism for them to actually do it. Because the next question that they were asking me, well, well, where should I go jack? And I’m like, Hmm, that’s a good question. I can answer it. I could tell you or I can show you. So what we did was we said, okay, got all these women. In First of all, there are several great guys out here. I just think that I’m going to say this. I’m just gonna mess up some people I’m just gonna like mess with I’m gonna mess with your listeners just a little bit. I don’t think that there’s a dating problem. Don’t think that there’s like a huge male shortage. I just think women are stingy. What? Wait a minute, let us sink in. Let us say stingy, what do you mean by that? I think women are stingy. And here’s what I mean by that before y’all start throwing tomatoes at your phone. Women have the capacity to be able to fix the shortage tomorrow. Here’s how every woman I talked to has a cell phone, take out your cell phone right now you look at it, scroll through the contacts list. Let’s go to that do not answer list. Let’s go to that list of all the guys that you’ve either dated, don’t want for yourself or don’t like, all of those guys are potential matches for someone else. Just give me five of those guys that you dated, don’t or didn’t want for yourself. They don’t have to be right for you. They’re great for someone else. Let me go through your cell phone. Pick out those guys. I’m gonna take those guys. swap them. With your gut, like put them, put them with somebody else that’s actually compatible with that type of guy, and then take whatever 50 that I come back with because I talked to 10 different women, and I got a pool of like 50 guys, and I’m just going to match you and give you an opportunity to be able to say, Okay, well, I didn’t really have any options at first because all these people I like, but now I have like 45 options available in front of me. Women can fix the problem if they weren’t so mg.

Jack A Daniels 28:35

So they’re keeping me it’s funny like my husband and I had a conversation about this.

Damona 28:40

After watching Little Women of all things, I was like, I don’t like Amy cuz girl code because Joe was with I forget the guy’s name at producer Leah. Leo knows who he was. Lori Thank you. Okay, so Joe. Joe was Like with Laura, like, they were like, they were hanging out like nothing was really happening. But he was in love with her. She was really in love with him, but she didn’t really want to acknowledge she wasn’t really in that place. And then her sister went and snatch this guy, and was like, Okay, well, I want to marry you. And then Joe was like, What happened? And I said, I said, Amy is not following girl code, and my husband could not understand. He was like, they did work. She didn’t want him Joe did.

Jack A Daniels 29:28

What’s the big deal? So you’re

Jack A Daniels 29:30

saying, My philosophy is dingy.

Jack A Daniels 29:35

That’s the problem. That’s why women are singing, but his his thing and all see any

Jack A Daniels 29:39

more Amy’s unless Joe says we’re so good, all seriousness,

Jack A Daniels 29:43

I took that exact same philosophy that I’m talking about in terms of women being stingy. And I turned it into a business introduction service full of guys that are because I’ve been collecting men over the past few years and I’ve got this huge database of good quality men. got these great quality men and saying, Hey, I’m single successful, ready to be married, but can’t find a quality woman. And they’re looking. So I took that philosophy of saying, hey, women are stingy, but I got lots of guys and I created a club. It’s a club that basically the only way a woman can come into the club is that she has to invite two good men that she’s either dated dumped or didn’t want for so no excuses. I don’t want to hear I don’t know any. I don’t want to hear that. I don’t there aren’t any out there. Yes, there are tons of you got Facebook friends you got you go to church, you go to work. You go

Jack A Daniels 30:38

castaways on dating

Jack A Daniels 30:41

everybody you you have met we the way it just keeps funneling in multiple men. And then we take you and we pair you with your preferences, your likes, your your warts, and all the things that you’re looking for with guys that are compatible to you and we send you out own group dinner dates across the city in groups of six, or in groups of eight. So you got three guys, or in three girls or four guys, four girls, and it’s been working phenomenally.

Damona 31:13

Okay, how can pick me I’m sold jack, I’m sold. How do people get in this database? How do they How do they bring their cast away guys and not be stingy because I know there’s a lot of ladies now that are like, I’m not stingy. I will show you jack daniels.

Jack A Daniels 31:28

The first thing you gotta do is you can’t be stingy.

Jack A Daniels 31:31

How can people get get invited to some of these events,

Jack A Daniels 31:35

you can go to good men.tv at 10 million men.tv. And be put you basically be put on the waiting list because it got it was so good. We launched in six different cities across the country, and the numbers just went through the roof. I mean, we only were at I don’t wanna say echo back, we were overcapacity because people were looking for something different to You know, people are working, they’ve got kids, they don’t know where to go, they don’t have a strategy. They just want something set up for them in a way that they can basically just say, okay, as long as I know that I’m going here, the worst thing that can happen is that you come out with seven new friends. Like maybe maybe you don’t meet anybody that you’re compatible with, you know, but you got four chances to meet someone because you got four guys sitting across the table from you.

Jack A Daniels 32:26

Like, like, you got some practice, you gotta practice a day

Jack A Daniels 32:30

is actually your comfort zone. It takes you out of like, who you who you are, and and most importantly, it gets you off the couch. How about that? There we go.

Damona 32:40

Yeah, to start somewhere. That is awesome. We will put the link in the show notes. But that’s not all jack. We have questions from our listeners In our next segment. So I hope you can stick around to answer those questions.

Jack A Daniels 32:52

You have scared me away yet.

Damona 32:54

Okay. Let’s keep going. All right. We will continue the conversation in just a moment when jack and I will be answering your questions in our final segment. But first, let me tell you about a new favorite podcast of mine. The only one in the room. How many of you felt like the only one in the room, the only one who’s still single the only one who wants a real relationship. This podcast talks about what it’s like to feel alone or others. It’s hosted by my friend Laura Cathcart Robbins, and the only one in the room tells raw and vulnerable accounts from people who are, like most of us, just eager to connect. The idea for the podcast originated in 2018 when Laura attended a writer’s retreat with some very big name people. And soon after her arrival, she realized that out of 600 attendees, she was the only black person in the room. When she got back home. She wrote about the experience that she had in the Huffington Post, and the article went viral. But then something even more surprising. happened. The morning after her piece went live, Laura woke up to find 568 direct messages in her inbox. She thought that the messages would all be from black people having a similar story, but they were from people of all walks of life, all ages, races, religions, and they all wrote her because they connected with her essay and identified with that feeling of being others. And it wasn’t long before Laura knew what she had to do. She wanted to create a platform for all of those stories to be shared and heard. And so her podcast was born. She said intimate interviews with Mario van Peebles, Jon Cryer, Rebecca Gayheart, Cynthia Bailey and so many others who bravely share their experience of being the only one in the room and how they thrived in spite of it. If you can relate to this feeling than the only one in the room podcast is for you. You can find it wherever you’re listening to the show right now or look for the link in the show notes. Okay, now it’s time for your favorite segment where we answer the questions that you’ve submitted to us through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and email. And now it’s time for technically dating. All right, jack, this person, this guy emailed me because he was inspired by a previous question on the show. That was from a 30 year old woman who was still a virgin was asking about dating. And I just mentioned this to say that if anyone is listening and has a question, and they’re like, Oh, this is just me, I’m the only one going through this, nobody else would care. I just want to you know, people care. Other people are helped by the advice that you request on this show. So this person has been inspired. I will call him D because he wanted to remain anonymous, but he emailed me and he said, I’m a soon to be 40 year old male, and I’ve never had a girlfriend or hooked up with anyone. It’s not that I think I’m attractive physically. I just feel like I’d be viewed as something subhuman if I revealed my lack of dating skills. I basically never get past the first date. And I wonder if there’s any hope. JACK, I need a male perspective on this. So and, and he clarified for me like by I’ve never hooked up with anyone’s like he hasn’t he, he hasn’t had sex with anyone.

Jack A Daniels 36:23

And so he’s felt like will like 40 year old virgin,

Damona 36:27

the real life 40 year old virgin. And when he has told women in the past that he’s dated that he is a virgin. He feels like they run away. They go on one day and an hour, but he said a lot of times they asked him about his sexual experience early on, and so he’s kind of caught in this space where he doesn’t know how to answer the question. But he also doesn’t know how to get past it and move into, you know, he wants he wants something. He’s a good man. He wants a good woman. What do you say jack?

Jack A Daniels 37:00

This isn’t this isn’t this isn’t hard. Like, I think that oftentimes we paint ourselves into a corner. And the way that we think we should appear and some of the things that we think that we should be doing, we typically do it in a way that doesn’t allow us to actually attract the person that we should be attracting. So in let me let me make sense out of that a little bit more like a an example. If you have someone who says that, oh, okay, so I’m single, I’m a virgin. And I really want a woman. Like, okay, you just announced yourself as being single beta version. One a woman, instead of telling a better story that says, You know, I want a woman who respects my values, who is into me because of who I am and not what I can give her. And oftentimes, I run across Women who are more interested in what it is that they’re accustomed to, and that they’re used to, and the package that they are accustomed to having, which is why typically they probably single anyway. Instead of being open to the possibility of something different, I am someone that is different. I am someone who is probably not going to be the guy that you’re used to the guy that you have dated in your past, but I can be the last guy that you kiss. If you give me a chance.

Jack A Daniels 38:36

You’re so smooth,

Jack A Daniels 38:37

is it? No, but I’m saying

Jack A Daniels 38:40

there’s a different story that he has to tell himself. D if you tell yourself this confidence is everything. I could say, I’ve never had sex before. Or I could say, you know, I just I’ve been waiting all my life, to meet the right woman to be able to give myself to I don’t know if that’s you But I’m hoping that we get a chance to know each other a little bit better that I can share that with someone like you.

Damona 39:08

Right? He needs to approach it as it’s an asset. Because then then she’s gonna be like, Oh, I like now I could be right. Instead of a deficit instead of something that’s like your Scarlet Letter of whatever the Scarlet v. Looking at is a super it’s a superpower, you event so selective. You have been so mindful about your choices, that that you you are waiting for the right person. I, I don’t I do wonder though, there. I think there are a lot of questions in dating, that we ask that we don’t actually want to know the answer to. And I’m, I’m curious about all of the women that have asked him about a sexual history, because I feel like that’s one of those questions where it you know, it’s like those small talk questions like what, how does Your job how’s your day? Like, you know, I don’t know, do I really do a really care? How’s your job? Or am I just asking it? Because I don’t know what else to ask? Yeah, yeah. So how can you answer that question if he’s asked again?

Jack A Daniels 40:18

Okay, so there’s a couple of a couple different things. One, he said he’s not making it past the first date. Why are you talking about this on the first date number one, like you shouldn’t be talking about anything physical on the first date, period, you should literally be trying to get to know this person intellectually. So I would tell you, if you want to get past the first day, like don’t talk about anything physical, like literally like like, that’s just not, that’s not you can you can say, you know, I don’t really want to talk about that. I want to get to know who you are. And not just what we can do for each other physically. That’s just not who I am as a man this, it does. How

Damona 41:01

you could say oh, you know, a gentleman never kisses and tells. Because she also, she also wants to know like, if she is intimate with you She doesn’t know you’re a virgin she wants to know you’re not going to go and spread her business in the street but

Jack A Daniels 41:14

isn’t that attractive to a woman like she can you can be my first you could you can show me everything I need to know about sex about love. Is it not attractive to a woman? I don’t get it. Like for me, and that’s what that’s you know, we, you know,

Jack A Daniels 41:34

I think women I think women

Jack A Daniels 41:38

look for experience sometimes because it’s, it’s a little harder to meet our needs in the bedroom sometimes, but you can instruct me you literally can tell me everything because I don’t know. This is my first time. You can tell me everything I need to know.

Jack A Daniels 41:54

Like that. I will say yes, that is hot.

Jack A Daniels 41:58

Like why we’re women’s What? That’s what you say D, you say, Look, I’m looking for a teacher. I’m looking for an instructor to show me everything that I need to know about sex.

Jack A Daniels 42:09

I think a lot of women would be turned on by that. Actually, she come back.

Damona 42:15

All right, we have time for one more question. JACK. This one comes to us from Lisa. She says I’m curious after how many dates? Should you have the are we exclusive talk? We get this question a lot. But I don’t get the answers from you very often. So I want to know what you think.

Jack A Daniels 42:32

This exclusivity thing um,

Jack A Daniels 42:36

I just like I believe clarity reduces the clutter in your life. I do totally believe that. I don’t think there’s a number that you can put on it. What I think is there has to be a plan that’s put in place, meaning that we have to be clear and upfront and intentional about what it is that we’re doing. So if you’re going into this and you’re thinking like in between the two Three to five range or the, you know, five to 10 range. You know, I get, once we get on 10 dates or whatever, we’re exclusive. No, be up front and say what it is that you actually want. From the beginning to say, you know, I’m not sleeping around. I’m not dating around. I’m really looking to be involved with something that’s meaningful. It doesn’t mean you have to say that on first date, because you probably won’t get a second.

Damona 43:28

But let’s say on a first date, I’m I am dating for a relationship. Yeah, I think a lot of people don’t say, dating. Yeah,

Jack A Daniels 43:36

I’m at on purpose. And I don’t think that Yeah, people are frivolous with it. They just kind of like, walk through and like, I’ll see what happens.

Damona 43:45

Well, we’re afraid of the rejection. If we say what we really feel and what we really want and they don’t want that or they’re not sure then we’ll get pushed away.

Jack A Daniels 43:54

Which may happen but men love to be respected. We love respect in every city. And for you to tell me what you want upfront. I respect you. Like, I may not want it the same way that you wanted, but I respect you. And if you’re really going to gain a man’s heart, you have to gain his respect. That is

Damona 44:19

so true. I respect you so much jack daniels, I am so glad you’re able to join us to to to talk about what’s going on in dating relationships in the last five years since we filmed the TV show hashtag black love. You are getting Oh, oh, you’re you’re and you’re about to have three, three girls. So watch how old you get if you had any hair. It’d be all gray.

Jack A Daniels 44:48

I miss you jack. I’m so glad to have you on the show. I hope you will come back again and share your wisdom with us anytime. Just make call.

Damona 44:57

Thank you and jag is here for you. Well, you can find out more about his projects at jack daniels.tv and then get in with the good Tell, tell them the website to get in the database again.

Jack A Daniels 45:12

So you go to good men.tv join the list, get in a database is going to be epic. The doors will probably open back up in April. So you really want to be on the list.

Damona 45:25

Get on the list y’all. I hope you enjoyed Episode 299 of dates and mates. I am at damona Hoffman on all the socials. And as I said in the last segment, if you have a question, I want to hear it you can DM me or email me through the website dates and mates calm. And if you love this segment and you get a lot of value out of it. Why not submit a question so we can help you but also helps so many others who are going through the same thing that you’re experiencing? Next week we’ll be doing a masterclass on the future of dating and relationship. And this will be dead it our 300th episode I’m so excited to have you join me for that I cannot wait to do a little future predictions on where we are heading in the world of love. Until next week. I wish you happy dating

Breaking Dating Patterns & Whelming: Love Month Part 4

YOU CAN BE OVERWHELMED, AND YOU CAN BE UNDERWHELMED, BUT CAN YOU JUST BE WHELMED?

It’s February and you know what that means – Valentine’s is upon us! And to celebrate the month of love, we’ll be doing something special. We have 4 of the top prior Dates & Mates guest love experts who will be joining me for the next 4 weeks. This is the final episode of our Love Month #5QFeb!

Back by popular demand is Mike Goldstein, a successful dating coach, public speaker, and author who has appeared on the Today Show, Reader’s Digest, The Star Ledger, and Shape Magazine. Through his BLOG EZ Dating Coach he has reached over 100,000 women.

He’s here to give us a whole new perspective on love that we haven’t heard yet!

More on that later, first we have headlines!

DATING DISH (4:05)

Could your partner be snooping through your phone?

In their latest study, Whistleout determined that 50% of Americans look at their partner’s phones. Do you think this is okay?

The newest dating term: whelming

According to Cosmo, the newest way to ‘impress’ your match is by complaining about how many matches you have. Damona and Mike have thoughts.

Read Damona’s Profile Polish in Shondaland!

via GIPHY

Are Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner getting back together?

In an interview with the New York Times, Ben Affleck explains that his divorce to Jennifer Garner was the biggest mistake of his life. Damona did some digging and it turns out that Ben’s family history with alcoholism could have contributed to the breakup patterns he might have inherited from his father. Damona and Mike weigh in.

via GIPHY

#5QFeb (20:32)

Damona asks Mike the 5 MOST IMPORTANT dating questions of our time:

What is the biggest challenge for daters today?
What is the best way to find love?
How can people change their patterns in love?
What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Whose relationship do you admire and why?

via GIPHY

TECHNICALLY DATING (35:00)

via GIPHY

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

So I had a conversation with my guy and asked why he isn’t putting more time into our relationship. He’s busy and seems to be pulled in a lot of different directions. My question is: If I wait patiently, will that hurt me in the long run?
What does it mean when a guy says he does something because it’s funny? For example, my guy tells me other girls are flirting with him because he says he is being honest and he isn’t doing anything with them but he finds it cute that I get jealous. Is this a red flag?

JOIN OUR COMMUNITY!

Are you feeling overwhelmed with dating and relationships and looking for a little more support? then you are the perfect person to become one of my Friends with Benefits.

We just launched a special Patreon program for our listeners who want a little more love from Damona

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

A private facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show.

And you’ll have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions.

Plus secret BTS content from our nearly 300 episodes of Dates & Mates.

And for my really special top-tier FWBs, you can even get a personalized dating profile analysis from me with tips tailored just for you on how to make a magnetic profile that draws the right kind of dates to you.

The Patreon is live on at patreon.com/datesandmates

And we have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the Lover or VIP level – a free autographed copy of my book. But only if you sign up during the month of February.

Go to patreon.com/datesandmates to see which of tier is right for you. I look forward supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community as one of my Friends with Benefits.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:12

Happy love month lovers. This is episode four of our love month #5QFeb the five question February series during which I am interviewing your favorite dates and mates prior guests to ask the most pressing questions and love today. We are using the hashtag five q fab if you want to get in on the conversation. My guest for today is back by popular demand. Mike Goldstein is a successful dating coach. He’s a public speaker and also an author. You may have seen him on the Today Show in Reader’s Digest the star ledger or its Shape magazine. And through his blog, easy dating coach. He has reached over 100,000 surely more 200,000 just so many women Need help in dating and he’s here to help the men and women of the de tomates community, please give big smooches to Mike Goldstein,

Mike Goldstein 1:07

thank you so much for having me. I’m so pumped to be here.

Damona 1:11

I’m so glad you’re back. And this is a perfect time of year because we’re still like, we’re still feeling the energy of Valentine’s Day. And whether people listening had a great Valentine’s Day or one that they would rather forget. We want to keep people moving towards that, that road to love. Right? Yeah. And then we’ll also talk about this week’s headlines, including could your partner be snooping through your phone? And you can be overwhelmed. And you can be underwhelmed because you just be well, plus, our Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner getting back together could be now I don’t know. We’ll talk about that in a minute and then we’ll answer your questions like, should you wait around for a guy who’s super busy? And is it a red flag? If your boyfriend thinks you’re cute when you’re jealous. All that and more on today’s dates and mates. Mike, are you ready to do this?

Mike Goldstein 2:06

Whoa, those are some great topics.

Damona 2:10

Yeah, like we just surprised you. He knows what’s coming. He’s ready for you guys and he’s ready to do the dish. He’s dating dish. Whistle out did a survey on how much Americans look at their partners phones, and I’m talking about like, unapproved snooping, not just glancing over, but actually like cracking into their phones. they surveyed 1600 people from the ages of 15 and 55 about all aspects of cell phone privacy and snooping and romantic relationships. And it turns out that a lot of people 48% of women and 31% of men think snooping is okay, but people are worried Mike people are worried about things that their partner might see in their phone and Most people are worried about browser history texts, social media accounts. What do you think about cell phone privacy? I mean, this is just a factor in relationships today. Should you be able to look into your partner’s phone? Or is the phone like a barrier for privacy, something that should still remain secret and private?

Mike Goldstein 3:22

Can I tell you a story?

Damona 3:23

Of course, we have nothing but time. Oh, yes.

Mike Goldstein 3:26

So Dimona, I was 25 years old, I had a girlfriend, and we were at a beach house at our beach house. And we were sleeping in bed, about to go to bed. And she’s looking at her phone. And I glance over. And there’s a message from a guy saying, Come over and it’s about 1am at night. Oh, no. But I am the most trusting human being on the planet. You may not know this about me. So she gave me some explanation like oh, it’s just our friend. Like He wants to drink more. And I was like, oh, that seems reasonable. And then I went to bed.

Damona 4:05

But you had a little bit of suspicion. Surely, I had

Mike Goldstein 4:08

a little bit, but I totally let it go. Because I just assumed I’m in love. She’s in love. Like we’re good.

Damona 4:14

Oh, no, what happened?

Mike Goldstein 4:16

Oh, well

Mike Goldstein 4:19

while she was sleeping with it,

Damona 4:22

did you ever confront her about the text? Because like looking at this survey, 38% of couples gotten a fight or broke up over something over snooping. So like, was there ever a conversation? Like, you know, that text didn’t quite sit well with me? Did you ever go back into her phone and be like, I’m gonna see if there are additional messages here.

Mike Goldstein 4:44

No, I don’t believe in that. Like even through that through that story. Like privacy is important. And trust is important. So any partner I’m with, like they can do whatever they want. And I want to be in a relationship. I know and I feel safe for them to. They can be private, they can do whatever they want. I know we’re together. There’s no cheating. We’re good.

Damona 5:09

Mike, you know what I love about that terrible story is that you still believe in love and you still have trust, like so many times people go through an experience like that, and then they think it means they can’t trust anybody again. But it was like that was one situation and it seems like you’re able to now separate her choices from the choices of whomever you’re in a relationship with from that point forward.

Mike Goldstein 5:35

Yes, but to be fair, there was a lot of healing if you would have brought up her name probably for the first like four or five years after we broke up. You’d probably see my eyes like start to water like it definitely hit me. Yeah, but yeah, I’m over it now. But I alway

Damona 5:50

give like a tip and one thing that you did to to heal and move on after that situation and trust again,

Mike Goldstein 5:59

honestly, the Like so right after it happened and I thought I was gonna marry this woman, so I was crying my eyes out. You’re 25 I know.

Damona 6:08

life ahead of you. This is true. Okay, you figure it out, though before.

Mike Goldstein 6:11

Yeah. So I was crying my eyes out for three months straight. And then finally I picked up a copy of john gray men are from Mars, women are from Venus. And I realized I just didn’t understand women at all. And I realized like, I was a big part of the blame of why she was looking outside of a relationship. So that gave me a lot of clarity. So I guess for me it was what am i accountable for? What do I need to change? What do I need to work on? And then on top of that, now I’m saying like stop being sad, go do some things. Go play soccer, go to the gym, go see your friends. Go keep yourself busy.

Damona 6:47

Yes, she would. One of the things that you might do be go on a dating app and start swiping. That is something that our next article is all About in Cosmo, they’re talking about a new dating trend called whelming. And this is when your matches complain to you about how many other matches they’re getting. So I know like, just just to recap the story that you told, when people get, they’re ready to move on. Sometimes they go full force into swiping, and they just swipe right on everybody because they want that instant gratification of like somebody likes me. But would you ever then complain about the number of matches that you’re getting? Because this seems to be an epidemic that’s happening?

Mike Goldstein 7:36

So you’re telling me that I’m going to complain because so many women want to talk to me? Is that correct?

Damona 7:45

That’s what people are doing and this is happening and you know, it’s happening for your clients as well like there. They must be I’m sure you’re helping them to be online dating masters, and then they’re getting are they getting overwhelmed by the matches.

Mike Goldstein 8:01

Yes, some of them. Yeah.

Damona 8:03

But they wouldn’t complain about it on the date because you told them not to.

Mike Goldstein 8:07

Yeah, I don’t know what like, what is that?

Damona 8:10

Well, the article also gave us some ways to cope if you’re feeling overwhelmed, because I think this is a symptom of this Paradox of Choice of feeling like there’s this endless supply of matches. And their tips are really good for for dating apps. They said, Be more selective. ration your screen time. Don’t rely on just dating apps. And I know that you’re you’re a fan of alternate ways of dating as well. Don’t swipe late at night. No, it’s like I say dating apps are sort of like Gremlins like don’t feed them after midnight. craziness. craziness ensues, that’s when you get the worst possible matches. And don’t take dating too seriously. What do you tell your clients about ways to reduce overwhelm when they’re using dating apps?

Mike Goldstein 8:57

Yeah, this is so Important is, first of all, online dating needs to be a science experiment. Like try to leave your emotions to the side. I know like love is obviously a very emotional thing. But the actual online dating aspect science experiment, once you get to know someone, then emotions can get involved. But the strategy is, you need to pick three times a week that you’re going to go on. And if you’ve got a good system, like my clients are only doing half an hour, three times a week. So that’s manageable. It’s not taking over your life. So maybe it’s like Monday, Wednesday and Friday at eight o’clock I’m going on. The key is what folks are doing is that like, works kind of boring. Right now I’m going to hop on a dating app for a second. Oh, I got a match. Ooh, that’s not a fit. And then you repeat that sometimes one to 10 times a day. And you keep getting let down. versus if you’re going on once, you know every few days and you’re looking at maybe 510 20 at a time. Then you will manage your expectations of Okay, I got 10 Ooh, this one looks good. And then you don’t get upset about individually each nine times you got something bad, but you get excited about the one guy that actually makes sense for you, or, or woman, excuse me.

Damona 10:12

I like that. And I think that’s good philosophy for any kind of online escape. Like, I know I do the same thing with with Facebook, I’ll be like, Oh, I just need to escape my kids and make it be crazy. I’m going to just escape into the world of Facebook for a while, but it does have the same effect. When you are using it for more of an entertainment purpose, then, you know, dating with strategy. I’d like to add one other thing that I think they did not touch on in the article that is really important. And that’s in making sure that your profile is the right profile to attract what you want. Like I did a profile Polish for Shonda land.com in the fall and the woman that I worked with she was gorgeous. She had tons of matches, but she was like, I’m so over. So over dating apps. And I hear this a lot of time from a lot of times from our database listeners as well. I said, Let’s be really specific in your profile. And I’m getting all of these things that you’re not from reading your profile and looking at the pictures that you chose, let’s change the the strategy and let your profile be sort of the online calling card for you that the resume that draw that draws the right applicants in and what she said in the article, and I will put the link in the show notes if you guys want to actually read it but what she said was after she did my profile updates, she got fewer messages, which you would think is a bad thing. But at the same time there were messages from more more serious guys at that lead actually today’s instead of leading to overwhelm and then she didn’t have to complain about the overwhelm on the One thing in this article last thing about this article that I want to get your take on is they said that single people should be using five to six dating apps, according to their study, to have the best chance of finding love, like based on how many matches people are getting that are that are actually turning into dates. Five to six dating apps. What What do you think about that?

Mike Goldstein 12:24

No, thank you.

Mike Goldstein 12:29

Dating should be fun. And that’s gonna like take over your life. Six dating apps. Yeah, that’s way too much. And I’m sure the listeners can tell us like, the same people are on them. So you don’t need to see them in

Mike Goldstein 12:45

areas again, I swipe left on the last time.

Mike Goldstein 12:48

Yeah, but like, we’ve talked about it before, but I love

Mike Goldstein 12:51

three. No one

Mike Goldstein 12:53

just wants get one good one like and don’t even do an app like maybe like a match. com Or like an okay Cupid and just build a great profile. I’m, as you know, I’m not a fan of apps because they’re not as robust in terms of profiles. Yes. So if we’re going to go on dates, I want to be more strategic with hopefully, looking at a man or a woman’s robust profile on match is like, Whoa, a lot of things are aligned. I’m excited. Because if we’re going to give up, you know, our Wednesday night and you know, get dressed up and makeup and whatever needs to happen, let us be excited, be excited. And let’s go on only one day a week, pick a good one. So even if you have 12 options, or four options or whatever, figure out which one is your most excited about and do one day a week, so you can still live your life and have six other nights where you’re doing whatever you want to do. And this will be a much more efficient, much more strategic way to get a partner.

Damona 13:50

Yes, and then it’ll be more fun, you’ll be enjoying it more. Well, one person is not really enjoying his dating and relationship experience right now. is bad. Aflac he was he was promoting his new movie and gave a very raw and real interview to the New York Times. And he said that the divorce with Jennifer Garner is his biggest regret the biggest regret of his life. They announced their separation in 2015. You may remember it actually took another three years until they were divorced. And he fully admits they broke up because of his drinking, which it’s something that is also a part of his family history. Like his dad was an alcoholic and his relationship and his parents relationship broke up because of that. And it just makes me so sad to see him falling into that same pattern. And I want to know what you would tell a client who has a family history of something like, like divorce or like addiction, and how they can carve out a different path for themselves.

Mike Goldstein 15:00

Whoa,

Damona 15:01

we don’t know softball questions here. Mike Goldstein,

Mike Goldstein 15:04

I don’t know if I’m qualified that, but I will try to answer that. Well,

Damona 15:07

I’m sure you’ve dealt with this, like people that don’t have a positive relationship role model for themselves. You can still have a successful relationship and your history doesn’t have to be your future.

Mike Goldstein 15:20

Absolutely. I mean, everyone has their own choice, right. So if you and usually what you see is when they have a parent that went so far off the deep end, and one thing they like, they don’t even want to touch that thing. Because they don’t want to repeat that. Yeah. So usually see that happen. But yeah, to your point, like everyone has the choice. You know, do whatever you need to do to be happy and to be healthy. And then you can have great partnership.

Damona 15:45

What about this element when we are so quick now to be looking for perfect, that we’re very quick to move on. And, you know, I don’t think it was really Ben’s decision. Once he he went so far into his alcoholism. I think Jennifer just had to move on. But they ultimately divorced rather than working on the relationship and I and I’ve worked with other divorce clients that were like, I’d much rather now have stayed with the person in a relationship that was challenging, then be single again and have to basically start over. What do you think about that?

Mike Goldstein 16:29

Well, I got a question is Jennifer Garner single these days or she lives she’s

Damona 16:34

got a boyfriend, a guy named john Miller, who is kind of like a Ben doppelganger and way they’ve a lot of physical similarities. He’s a younger man to he’s 40. She’s 47 I ain’t mad about it, but that’s the answer.

Mike Goldstein 16:50

Well, I think she handled it, how you’re supposed to handle it. If there’s alcoholism or something that’s got a disease. You kind of have to leave And if they get that sorted out and you’re still available and you know, they’re wildly healthy, and you want to revisit it, then go revisit it. But when they’re in that state, you’ve got to get out of there. You can’t fix them. Yeah. And they need to go fix themselves.

Damona 17:15

All right, great insights. I told you know, softball questions here we have, we have the hard questions that are coming up in our next segment and five key fobs. So stick around. I’m here with Mike Goldstein, who’s also known as easy dating coach, right? Easy dating coach calm, so stick around for more dates and dates. We’re back with easy dating coach Mike Goldstein. And if you’ve been following all this month, we’ve been asking the same five questions of four different dating experts and we’re getting wildly different responses. So I’m going to kick it off Mike with our first question of five key fab. What is the biggest challenge for daters today.

Mike Goldstein 17:58

Whoa, that’s a big One I told you,

Mike Goldstein 18:01

you know, softball question, you know softball, Scott.

Damona 18:05

It’s

Mike Goldstein 18:06

datings freaking hard. And there’s no manual. And, you know, if we look back to 100 years ago in the 1950s, our parents were getting married mostly for security, finances, money, safety. And everyone told us, that’s what you’re supposed to do. Right? And now, you know, we’ve got women in the workforce, men in the workforce, boss, ladies to boss ladies, kicking butt. And it’s not like, hey, the man goes to work and the woman takes care of the kids now, it’s just confusing. And women have plenty of money and they’re kicking butt. And now everyone needs you guys. Exactly. Now, women are dating for love. And everyone’s dating for love, and it’s not security. And this is brand new. We’ve been on this earth for what, thousands, millions of years. And now finally, the only reason we’re getting together or the biggest reason is the Love, not just procreating and security.

Damona 19:04

So what do you how do you see that changing the way that we operate in dating? If you’re dating for love? How’s your process different than if you’re dating for security? You spend more time probably right? Because you have to vet people.

Mike Goldstein 19:25

Yeah, I mean, it’s definitely wildly different. Like, it’s just security. It’s like, Oh, he’s got a good job and he looks healthy. Yeah, okay. That’s all I need.

Damona 19:32

And my parents know, like, that’s the other thing that’s different is now our dating pool has opened up to anyone possibly in the world who’s the best match for us? So now, in addition to dating for love, we’re dating to check like 17 boxes as opposed to like, Oh, well, I know him and he can be a good provider and he looks all right. Like I could wake up next to that for at least a few years. You know, it was like the criteria The criteria was lower. And the ability to meet someone that really matched us on multiple levels was, was also lower. You know, there’s a,

Mike Goldstein 20:11

there’s just way more variables to contend with. And then the other thing is like our brain tries to mess with us. Because for a lot of us, we kind of look at chemistry as the be all sale instead of compatibility. So we’re like, man, when I’m with them, like, it’s just electric, and I feel something. And what the heck is that? Like, you’re gonna spend 50 years with someone you feel something for? No, like, what is this laundry list of things? You actually need to be happy with someone for 50 or however many years you’re going to be together?

Damona 20:40

Can I tell you something really corny, please. As my husband and I have built our life together, I feel like the electricity has increased. Because it’s like, now we’re not just we’re not just checking boxes. We’re actually like, We’re actually intertwined in our lives. And as our lives have gotten bigger, like our love can actually get bigger. And I feel like there’s this feeling that, that that chemistry that you feel on whatever the first date or that people are, like desperately searching for is something that is on a decreasing scale, that it’s never going to be as high as when you first meet. And I would love to see what happens if people looked at it in the inverse, like, it can only build from here if you’re with the right person, that you’re that you’re matching with on like, much more on on more long term factors, right.

Mike Goldstein 21:46

Yeah, I mean, that’s, no, it’s not. I mean, you’re talking to a love coach. So I’m like, that’s so beautiful. I love that. But back to your first question. That’s what I think is the biggest problem really is we’re not great. So we end up picking. And then once we fall in love, we’re like, All right, I’m gonna stick this out because it’s kind of close. You only get one person. So you got to make sure you pick the right person. So then when you are together for years, you are going in that upward trend of the relationship getting better, as opposed to what most people are, is it either flatlines or it’s going worse? Right? That’s a good point.

Damona 22:23

Okay, you aced that first question, Mike. Second question, what is the best way to find love?

Mike Goldstein 22:33

Whoo. That’s a big one to love, love, love. First off, you got to do a little work and make sure you’re like ready to rock and roll. Like you’ve got and there’s a lot to this. Because I have so many women that go to me, they’re like, I have everything on solid ground. Like I’ve got a great job. I’ve got this amazing house. And I’ve got this, like all these activities I do and this amazing Family like, That is wonderful. Do you know anything about dating? Or how the opposite sex works or whoever you’re trying to partner with? Like that really. So there’s a lot to it it’s one you got to have a good life but to you got to kind of help know how this whole dating, how to interact with whoever you’re going after works.

Damona 23:18

And it’s also you have to have a growth mindset like this is something that I haven’t mastered. And I, I can actually learn something from my girl from the dates and maids podcast like there’s room for growth because the way you describe that, and I hear that a lot too, from listeners is like, it’s a close circle. like where’s the space if you have those five things? Where’s the space for another person to get in and actually enhance your life? How can you find love love? So let’s say you’ve done that and you have accepted that there is a skill set called dating that you are going to develop? Then what how do you find love

Mike Goldstein 23:58

Wow. Then you got to decide, are you I want to be in my pajamas on a Friday night doing online dating and find love? Or are you the type that’s like, I’ve got the biggest personality on the planet. And I want to be out there just mingling, and meet someone. So who are you, and then go on to those routes.

Damona 24:18

That’s, it’s good that you incorporate this idea of like figuring out what works best for you, because I’m big into online dating, obviously. And I think that that is just the best way in today’s world to to exponentially increase your dating options. But I also recognize it’s not necessarily the right fit for everyone. And if you’re doing it and it’s making you frustrated or you’re uncomfortable with it, and you’ve done the work that Mike is talking about to develop that skill set and get more comfortable and it still doesn’t work, but you have great success when you’re meeting people out on a Friday night at a bar then Why make your life easy? Right? Why do we always wait? Why do we always complicate things for ourselves?

Mike Goldstein 25:07

Yeah, I don’t know if people can see a picture of me but I’m like mediocre looking. But online like if maybe if you’d call them the attractive women are the women that are good looking that have like seems their life together. They pretty much want nothing to do with me because I’m not like, I’m not everything marketable online. But when you put me in person, like sometimes I’m pretty charismatic. And then I’m able to actually kind of like hit probably above my league sometimes.

Damona 25:38

So okay, I’m not even buying anything, you guys. He’s very attractive and he’s very charming. But for you, you feel more like in your element. It sounds like when you’re meeting people out in the world.

Mike Goldstein 25:52

I mean, I come from a life prior to starting this like I came from a sales background. I’m like, pretty social. So yeah, that’s fun for me. But I’m also considered one of the top online dating experts in the country. So I, and I teach that and I work with, you know, eHarmony. Okay keeping match with their data. So I can go both routes, and I teach a lot of clients online dating, but I also want to be open to who I’m working with and what their skill set is.

Mike Goldstein 26:18

Does that make sense? It makes total sense. So there’s no answer to question two.

Damona 26:23

There’s no best way but the best way is just to start and to get clarity on what path is best for you. How can people change their patterns in love? We talked a little bit about this in the Ben Affleck of it all. But what if somebody just recognizes a dating pattern? Like I always date I always date jerks or my relationship somebody just told me. I think someone DM me on Instagram and they said, I always have this thing where I’m like, really into somebody at first and then three weeks, three or four weeks go by and I’m just not that interested anymore. If you recognize your pattern, which is the First step, right? Then what’s the next step to changing it?

Mike Goldstein 27:04

Like the first you gotta like, go, why am I doing this? So like, get the explanation for yourself. I do this because x. So now that you know why they aren’t, so how do I solve this? Okay, when person does x, then I’m going to do this. So now that you’ve got a strategy, like, right, what happens? You like, Oh, it’s happening. I see it. Yeah. And then you do your plan. So you can’t do it in the moment because like, as you know, when you go on date for and you like, your heart’s beating fast, and you’ve got your butterflies, like, I don’t care about this anymore. Get your strategy while you’ve got, you know, cool, calm, collected head. And so then when it happens, you’re like, Wait a second, I wrote this down, I have a plan, and then you can implement it.

Damona 27:49

I did a plan. I did a dating plan called Operation date. Nice guy. Some of the longtime listeners know this, but I haven’t talked about in in a few episodes. So I recognize my opinion. My pattern was dating, dating, like, these sort of creative types that weren’t really into commitment and that that just wasn’t the place that I was at in my life. And I was like, I need somebody that’s like, gonna just be nice to me. So I actually really retrain my brain, I retrain what I was attracted to, I slowed everything down to like, that’s the thing like the chemistry, you’re saying, that’s reactive, as opposed to responsive of like, Okay, I’m taking this in. And I know that my instinct is to do this. But what’s better for me is to do

Mike Goldstein 28:37

that

Damona 28:39

And if you can create that space, to give yourself time to respond, instead of just reacting to whatever you’re feeling in the moment, then I think that can put you on a different path and work for me

Mike Goldstein 28:54

and it can work for you too. I love that that’s such a smart way to do it. And that that’s solves, like probably 99% of the problem, right? There’s if you implement that, exactly,

Damona 29:05

I just couldn’t, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t date those kind of guys anymore. And I couldn’t accept that kind of behavior. Like there’s also what what are you accepting in your life? Right? Like, what are what what do you want? And then what are you letting be okay? And they’re at a certain point, you have to if you want to change your pattern, I’d say you have to, you have to recognize it. And then you have to choose not to do it anymore.

Mike Goldstein 29:32

Yeah, just to give folks some clarity on this. It’s freaking hard, because our brain actually tells us the exact opposite. They did a study, I think it was like five years ago, where they attach people’s brains while they were dating people to see what triggered and really we just kept. The reason we keep dating the same people is something trigger triggers in the amygdala every time we date the exact same person. And it’s basically comfort. We feel comfortable because it’s like, oh, last time, I dated profile, who it’s the same profile, I feel comfortable. Let me go that route. And we’ll just keep repeating that for. And I have clients that have been repeating that literally for 50 years when they keep dating the exact same person, because it’s comfortable. So you really do need to kind of like smack yourself in the head and be like, Wait a second. It’s why am I feeling comfortable? Is there something here? That’s not healthy for me?

Damona 30:22

Yeah, what am I reacting to? Because it does feel different. When you do it differently. It feels different. And it’s just sort of like, like a fitness routine, right? If you is when you start it, you’re like, Oh, this sucks. This is really hard, and this feels uncomfortable. And then you get into it. And then you see things changing, and your lifestyle is changing. And you’re like, Oh, actually, this isn’t as hard as it used to be. But you have to get over that hump. Okay, I have more questions for you, Mick. Question number four is what are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?

Mike Goldstein 30:58

Can I tell a story about the last one You have nothing

Damona 31:00

but stories. Yes, you can tell I don’t want to keep going. No, no. Go ahead. Go ahead. We like your stories.

Mike Goldstein 31:07

Okay. Um, so my old client, Isabella, she had pattern issues. She had actually abuse she came to me from an abusive relationship and was like, think of like, 40 year old 44 year old woman like battered, like very abusive relationship. She’s like, but I’m, I’ve healed I’m ready to go like beautiful. We’re going to start dating men that treat you well. She’s like, you’re absolutely right. We sure are. She starts dating, we, we send messages. We’re sending messages to guys. We send a message to this guy. He wants to go on a date. She comes back from the first date. She goes Mike. I’m not sexually attracted to this guy it at all. I said, Okay. On a zero to 10 scale. How was the conversation? Like a nine or a 10?

Damona 31:53

Like, oh, that’s pretty good.

Mike Goldstein 31:55

Pretty good. Would you go on another date with him? I guess so. Yeah. I gotta Second day. Hey Isabella, are you attracted to him yet? Nope, not at all. No attraction. You guys kiss? No. Okay. Day 45 you still gonna go out with them? Yeah, go. How’s the conversation? Oh, it’s a 10 really like me super smart. comes back from date eight. She goes, Mike. Nick is the sexiest man alive. What changed? He finally kissed her on date eight.

Damona 32:29

Oh my gosh. Wow, what a nice guy. He waited quite a while. Now a lot of people would read into that too and would think, Oh, well, he doesn’t really like me that much because so much of attraction is also like feeling that the other person is attracted to you. But she didn’t do that she kept going out like most of my clients don’t get past eight three if they’re not feeling something.

Mike Goldstein 32:50

I know. But if the conversations like at least at eight. I say give these guys a chance because this was the nice guy. The You know, super smart like he’s written I think like 10 books, college professor like PhD, just like a little socially not great, but great guy. And he was planning these amazing dates. And he probably, you know, didn’t have that much experience sexually. So he’s figuring it out a little bit.

Damona 33:16

Well, and it’s also like that slow love thing that I talked about a lot on the show, like real chemistry develops over time. And so as she got to know him better, and as she trusted him more, and as he saw her, and she saw him for who they truly were, then she was able to feel attraction on a deeper level. And it’s way better than that, like, just initial like hubba hubba. Okay, we’re gonna do fourth question. I loved your story. Thank you. What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?

Mike Goldstein 33:54

Whoo, I’m really you need one thing. Let’s make this simple. Another science Study, they hook people up, that will have been married from anywhere from like 20 to 50 years that are self proclaimed happy marriages and see what triggers. And these people in happy relationships, the magdala triggered when they were giving, when both parties were givers within the relationship, that’s a happy relationship. If one person is not a giver, and chooses to give, these were unhappy marriages. So that was the one thing they found that needs to be there for a marriage to be happy, you know, 2050 years in,

Damona 34:36

they have to both feel like they’re givers or feel like they’ve been given too.

Mike Goldstein 34:40

So both just need to be givers. So like you

Damona 34:43

have to actually be giving, you have to actually have to do it is what

Mike Goldstein 34:48

you’re saying. You know, obviously, you know, the Five Love Languages was a big book. So you need to figure out what your partner wants to receive. But yeah, you need to go give like whether it’s Hey, damona you’ve had a tough day. I’m gonna make you you know Chicken tonight or whatever? Find out what

Damona 35:02

Yeah, every day. That is definitely I am an acts of service gal. Interestingly as we’re talking about the five love like languages, which if you guys don’t know it, definitely look it up. I don’t have like an affiliate link or anything, you can just go check it out. But, um, I found when my husband and I like both did the quiz that we actually had the same exact first three love languages. And I was like, That explains it that explains why it’s so easy. Do you think there’s any value in trying to look for someone with I mean, it just happened to be that way. And part of me is like, Well, we’ve been together so long. I wonder if our love languages started to overlap or something? Or if we always were the same love language. Is there any benefit in trying to figure out the love language early on and match for that, or is that doing too much?

Mike Goldstein 35:54

That’s a great question. Honestly. So first of all, opposites do not attract. So if you can find people that are similar. That’s a home run. So I actually, when I’m dating, do ask that question pretty early on. And I do prefer someone who’s the same. It’s so much easier like I’m a 10 out of 10 words of affirmation.

Damona 36:14

Oh my god, we’d never be compatible. Yeah, so someone tell you these things like Didn’t I just, I just got my husband’s car clean like didn’t that that didn’t show? Yeah. So but you find somebody that is very effusive and shares their their words of how they feel about you.

Mike Goldstein 36:33

Yeah, like I’m so drawn to someone who’s gone. sounds terrible, but someone who gives me compliments. Like, I’m like, who tell me more. Yeah, I want to be a part of this,

Damona 36:41

right? Because that that’s how you are hearing and receiving the love so so is the answer. Don’t look for that or just ask them so that then you can know how to deliver love in the way that the

Mike Goldstein 36:53

I would say in an ideal world you do want to look for. I mean, like when I work with clients, I Like 36 things that we write down that are things that you probably wanted a partner and you’re not gonna get all of them, right. But you want to start getting a lot of them. And this is one of those things that would be part of my 36 of like, something to be cognizant of while you’re dating, so it’s a little more strategic. You’re not just, hey, when I’m on the date, we’re having fun, no, like, well, what are the answers to all these questions? Do these things fit? So to answer your question, yes, that would be great if they have it, but no, don’t make it a deal breaker. Just be cognizant of what they are and see as you’re dating, like, Okay, I know their acts of service. Let me put in that effort and do some acts of service and see if they’re a giver, are they doing what you need? And if you’re both giving and giving in the right way, are you happy? Is this working? That’s more important.

Damona 37:47

That is very important. Okay, last question for five Keifa. Before we move on to questions from our listeners, this is kind of a personal question, Mike, whose relationship do you admire and why? Could be a celeb could be someone in Your life could be me. No.

Mike Goldstein 38:05

I’m not gonna lie after hearing about you, I kind of that is change. No

Damona 38:11

no, but tell, like Tell me for real, like if there’s a relationship role model that you’re like relationship goals.

Mike Goldstein 38:18

So I’m totally seeing this from afar, so I’m just imagining most of it, but that’s probably the best relationship. Do you know Johnny and Lera Fernandez the dating coaches? Yeah. I’m like obsessed with them from afar like I do know them personally. But their Facebook just looks like they’re so in love. That’s everybody. Yeah, they look so happy and like so aligned and they’re like, eat the same foods. I think they have the same like vegan diet and there was just smiling and they almost like look the same to them. Like man, they look so happy and perfect.

Damona 38:50

Well, it’s probably also they’re like living this. They’re living this life of like giving people dating and relationship advice and then they have to live by it too. So, I think that’s very beautiful. Love to have them on the show one day. Okay, we are going to take a short break. When we come back we have your questions, listeners, we have things that have been on your mind that you’ve submitted through Instagram and Twitter and email and we are going to be answering your questions right after this. Welcome back to dates and mates. This is our final segment where we answer your questions we call it technically dating.

Mike Goldstein 39:31

Technically,

Damona 39:33

this one comes to us from Instagram, this lady says so I had a conversation with my guy and asked why he isn’t putting more time into our relationship. He’s busy and seems to be pulled in a lot of different directions. My question is, if Should I wait patiently, and will that hurt me in the long run? Now, we all want guys that have stuff going on that are like living their best Life as well. But sounds like she doesn’t feel like she’s totally apart of all those other things.

Mike Goldstein 40:07

Do we have any idea? Like, are they married? how long they’ve been dating?

Damona 40:10

I, they’re dating. But I don’t know how long.

Mike Goldstein 40:15

So I have different answers for different phases. If it’s very early on, and you really need a lot of interaction, maybe, you know, you can do a quick like, you know, it makes me so happy if you do x. And so you’re painting exactly what he needs to do. And you go tell him, you’d make me really happy if you did x and see what he delivers. And then when he does do something, you need to give him some appreciation. Like, thank you so much like it’s so great to hear from you. It’s so great to do this. I’m having so much fun. This is fabulous. Like I know you’re busy. Like I

Damona 40:52

love spending time with you.

Mike Goldstein 40:54

Yeah, like you’re amazing.

Damona 40:55

That is so key, Mike and this is something that I feel like we haven’t talked about On the show, because I’ve said, you need to tell a guy how you want him to show up for you. And yet the other other side of that is to also acknowledge it when he does, because so many times we’re like, do this, do that. Do this, do that, but then you forget to close the loop. And that’s so key to know that like his actions, changed the way that you’re feeling.

Mike Goldstein 41:26

Okay? Give them like a bonus tip,

Damona 41:28

please.

Mike Goldstein 41:30

Bonus Tip in your appreciation. If it’s just a little more valuable than the thing he actually did, he’s going to want to do it more. So like, for example, if he, you know, did the dishes, and you go, give him a big smooch and be like, Oh, I can’t believe you did the dishes like you’re so amazing. Thank you so much. He’s like, wow, all I did was like, clean a few dishes and I’m getting like this big bear hug and a smooch. I might be doing the dishes more often.

Damona 42:00

Right, exactly. It totally works. I can tell you from experience. Also, let’s address she says, if I wait patiently, will that hurt me in the long run? She shouldn’t just be like waiting. Like, what time do you get off work like, right? What else can she do?

Mike Goldstein 42:16

Yeah, definitely not waiting.

Mike Goldstein 42:19

Because you’re valuable. But being strategic and having a conversation with him at the right time, like not like in the middle of his workday when he maybe in the meeting or something. But hey, would it be possible to talk to you and you get a moment and then you know, he brings you up when he’s free. And you say, You’re so awesome. And I love spending time with you. It makes me so happy if we could do something x or, or I would love to hear from you more. See you. It makes me so happy when I get to do X with you.

Mike Goldstein 42:50

And then see how he responds. Right?

Mike Goldstein 42:55

Because maybe he can make some time for you. Maybe he doesn’t realize and

Damona 43:00

Maybe it’s not his love language like maybe your love language is quality time. And he thought it was acts of service or something like that. And he did all these things, but he didn’t realize that it wasn’t connecting for you. I have another question for you, Mike. This one comes to us from one of our friends with benefits from the Patreon club. She says what does it mean when a guy says he does something because it’s funny. For example, my guy tells me other girls are flirting with him because he says he’s just being honest. And he isn’t doing anything with him with them. But he finds a cute that I get jealous. Is this a red flag?

Mike Goldstein 43:39

Whoa.

Mike Goldstein 43:41

finds a cute one. She’s just funny. cute and funny.

Damona 43:47

What do you say my

Mike Goldstein 43:48

sounds like he’s almost like deflecting her feelings.

Mike Goldstein 43:52

I’m like, I wonder if that person who asked that as feeling like he’s not listening or not. not concerned about her. I mean, I’m just projecting that. But you know, I think you need to present if it’s bothering you, it needs to be presented that way, like, hey, when you do act, you know, when you’re flirting with these girls, that makes me feel a little less special. And I don’t ever want to change who you are like, I love who you are. But I just wanted you to know how I feel and

Damona 44:23

own your feelings and then see how he responds to that.

Mike Goldstein 44:26

Because maybe he doesn’t if you’re feeling upset, maybe he doesn’t want you to feel that way.

Damona 44:30

Yeah, I tend to not think of anything as a red flag. People are always like, what are the red flags and dating? I think it’s just like, what kind of response do you get when you express your truth and your feelings and what you need? I also wonder if he is doing that, because he’s not feeling like you’re seeing him enough. And he’s not feeling like you’re, you’re pumping him up, because why else would he go? If you’re in a relationship and he’s committed to you? Why would he need the validation from these other women flirting with him. And then why would he need to tell you? It’s just because he wants you to tell him? Like, those same things? Right? That’s a great point. Yeah. I mean, it’s a childish way to go about it. Yeah. But that’s probably what’s underneath.

Mike Goldstein 45:16

Yeah, like the whole situation. I mean, it does lead to an amazing, such an amazing point. Just go sit down and be like, Hey, are you happy with in our relationship or what’s going on within our life can

Damona 45:25

do to make you feel more secure? Because I You don’t need to get validation from these other women if I’m doing what what you need, you know,

Mike Goldstein 45:35

maybe he wants some flirting from his girlfriend and some words of appreciation and then he will be the other women in this room. I don’t see my girlfriend. She’s fantastic.

Damona 45:45

I need to know your love language, honey. Okay, um, one bonus question because you’re a guy and because this came from a guy, our fan Jose, who’s been listening to the show for a really long time, he says what is it that women with children take care of guys better than those with women without children. Do you see this? Mike? I don’t know. Do you date ladies with children? I have? Do they? Do they take better care of you?

Mike Goldstein 46:15

Probably.

Damona 46:16

We’re just so used to take care. I mean, I even mom to earlier, I was like, you need to scoot your chair and let me put this. Let me put this microphone here. But like, that could be kind of dangerous thinking for Jose, right? Like, the fact that he’s already drawing a conclusion about a whole group of people based on a couple of experiences, right?

Mike Goldstein 46:38

Yeah. And you know, it’s probably fun initially. It’s like, whew, someone’s doing stuff for me. And I’ve been there. I’ve had women that do stuff for me. But eventually, it’s like, hold on, she took the masculine role. And now what am I doing? How do I get to provide? Wait a second, I’m no longer sexually attracted to my mom who happens to be my girlfriend. You don’t want to date your mom. You don’t want them doing stuff. You want to be doing stuff for them, letting them kick their feet back. You know, mom is doing stuff for kids all day long, all day long. All day long. And then imagine back to the chicken and all night

Damona 47:12

too. Okay. But I digress. Back to the Yeah, like, be the mayor chicken. Yeah, we’re

Mike Goldstein 47:19

gonna, mom can arrest and all of a sudden she’s like, wow, this guy’s great. He’s doing stuff for me. I don’t have to do stuff for him. I got to kick my feet back. Cool. Maybe I owe him like a kiss or something or good conversation or I’m excited about this.

Damona 47:37

I like that you didn’t go blue. I’m not good conversation. It’s like, oh, there’s other things you could do.

Mike Goldstein 47:43

Yeah, sorry.

Damona 47:45

We’re gonna keep it clean. For today’s episode. This is our last of five q fab. I love to hear which takeaways from the things the wonderful wisdom that Mike shared, really hit home for you. You can tweet me at five keys. With using the hashtag, you can tweet me using the hashtag five q fab, and share those insights and we’ll share them with the rest of our audience as well. Thank you so much for being here, Mike.

Mike Goldstein 48:11

Thank you for having me.

Damona 48:13

And you can catch up with Mike at easy dating coach calm and check out his YouTube channel. So awesome look for easy dating coach. And while you’re on his website, get his free gift. There’s so many free gifts but one that you think I think you might really be interested in is the video for how to get and keep a guy forever. We’ll put the link in the show notes. Thank you so much.

Mike Goldstein 48:36

Thank you.

Damona 48:38

I hope you enjoyed Episode 298 of dates and mates again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials and I want to hear your love questions and maybe you need a little bit more support from me right now and you want to get in on some of those live coaching calls, check out our Patreon patreon.com slash dates and mates and see how I can support you in a bigger way in love will be back again next week when I will be talking to my co host from the TV series hashtag black love. Mr. jack daniels who has a big announcement about his own love life. And he’ll be talking with me about how dating has changed since black love. And since we began this podcast, we’re coming up on 300 episodes. So we’re going to ring in the 300th episode in a big way. We’ll see you next week. But until then, I wish you happy dating

Man Shopping & Psychotic Optimism: Love Month Part 3

BECOME A PSYCHOTIC OPTIMIST!

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Before we get into the show, just a quick shout out to our new listeners. We are so grateful to Apple Podcasts, Stitcher and Pandora for all featuring us or Valentine’s Day and we welcome you if you’re new to the show!

This week’s love expert is Bela Gandhi, founder of Smart Dating Academy and a weekly media correspondent. She is a relationship expert and has been featured on everything from Good Morning America, Steve Harvey, The Today Show, Fox & Friends and so much more!

She’s here to give us a whole new perspective on love that we haven’t heard yet!

More on that later, first we have headlines!

DATING DISH (4:05)

Why Shakira won’t marry her super hot baby daddy

According to their latest interview on 60 Minutes, Shakira and hunky soccer player Gerard Pique will not marry. ‘I don’t want him to see me as ‘The Wife’,” she says. “His lover, his girlfriend. It’s like a little forbidden fruit, you know? I wanna keep him on his toes. I want him to think that anything’s possible depending on behavior.” Is this manipulative behavior? Damona and Bela have thoughts.

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Could Twitter be the right dating app for you?

The Bold Italic published a personal piece from comedian Ginny Hogan where she explains how Twitter became a dating app for her! Damona breaks down how to know if it’s right for you.

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Everything you need to know about online dating today

From Damona’s most trusted resource, the Pew Research Center!

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#5QFeb (20:32)

Damona asks Bela the 5 MOST IMPORTANT dating questions of our time:

What is the biggest challenge for daters today?
What is the best way to find love?
How can people change their patterns in love?
What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Whose relationship do you admire and why?

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TECHNICALLY DATING (35:00)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

What’s a reasonable age gap for dating? I started dating someone who is 7 years younger. My concern is we won’t be on the same page when we get down to having future talk. Is it worth dating someone that much younger?
Would you suggest speed dating?
What do you do when you feel like giving up on dating?

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JOIN OUR COMMUNITY!

Are you feeling overwhelmed with dating and relationships and looking for a little more support? then you are the perfect person to become one of my Friends with Benefits.

We just launched a special patreon program for our listeners who want a little more love from Damona

What is Patreon?

Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear and allow you to get amazing listener benefits by participating

Our page is Patreon.com/datesandmates

What will you get if you sign up?

A private Facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show.

And you’ll have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions.

Plus secret BTS content from our nearly 300 episodes of Dates & Mates.

The Patreon is live on at patreon.com/datesandmates

And we have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the Lover or VIP level – a free autographed copy of my book. But only if you sign up during the month of February.

Go to patreon.com/datesandmates to see which of tier is right for you. I look forward supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community as one of my Friends with Benefits.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:00

Are you feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with dating and relationships and looking for a little more support than you are the perfect person to become one of my friends with benefits? We just launched a special Patreon program for our listeners who want a little more love for me. What is Patreon? Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear. And it allows you to get amazing listener benefits by participating. Our page is patreon.com slash dates and mates. What will you get if you sign up? First, we have a private Facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show. And you’ll have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions. Plus, you’ll get secret behind the scenes content from our nearly 300 episodes of dates and mates. And for my really special top tier Fw B’s, you can even get a personalized dating profile. analysis from me, with tips tailored just for you on how to make a magnetic dating profile that draws in just the right kind of dates to you. The Patreon is live now@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. And we have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the lover or VIP level during the month of February. You’ll also get a free autographed copy of my book but only if you sign up during this month of February. So go to patreon.com slash dates and mates to see which tier is right for you. I look forward to supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community. As one of my friends with benefits.

Bela Gandhi 1:41

What does his text me so frustrated? He’s just not that into me. I’ve always been battle for attention.

Bela Gandhi 1:48

I’m ready for miracles but

Bela Gandhi 1:49

I’m sure my

Damona 1:54

Modern love Made Simple. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman happy love month lovers. This is episode three of our special five to five love month series during which I will interview your favorite dates and mates guests and ask the most pressing questions about love. Today, we’re using the hashtag five q fab if you want to get in on the conversation and let me know what the big takeaways are for you from today’s episode. Before we get into the show, I also just want to give a quick shout out to our new listeners. We are so grateful that Apple podcasts and Stitcher and Pandora are all featuring us for Valentine’s Day and have sent us a lot of new listeners. So we’re so glad to have you here. And I just want to welcome you if you are new to the show, I’m certified Dating Coach damona Hoffman and I’ve been coaching singles on online and offline dating for about 15 years. I’ve made a lot of marriages and I’ve seen a lot of dating changes during that time. And one dating expert who has been in the love trenches with me for a lot of that time is Bella Gandhi. Bella is a data And relationship expert. She’s the founder of smart dating Academy and she’s a weekly media correspondent. You’ve probably seen her on anything from Good Morning America to the Steve Harvey show the today show fox and friends and so much more. But she’s so much more than just that resume. She’s a dear friend of mine and I am excited to give big smooches and welcome Bella Gandhi.

Bela Gandhi 3:23

I am so excited to be here. This is amazing.

Damona 3:27

You are amazing. Your advice is amazing. And I’m really excited to do this five q fab. These questions with you today. But I’m also excited to cover these headlines we have a lot of news to talk about, including why Shakira won’t get married to her super hot baby daddy, and how you can use Twitter as your dating app, plus some new research on dating from my most trusted source. And then we’ll be answering your questions including what’s a reasonable age gap for dating and what are the odds you’ll meet your match at speed dating All that and more on today’s dates and mates. Bella, are you ready for love month?

Bela Gandhi 4:05

Girl? I could not be more ready. No Well then let’s do this

Damona 4:12

Now Shakira is making headlines not just for her very hot performance in the Super Bowl halftime show, but also because she and her boyfriend Spanish soccer star, Gerard PK are not getting married anytime soon. Now before you go thinking this is just, this is just too hot people getting together. It’s no big deal. No, they have actually been together since 2011. And they have two children together. So these two are really bonded. They are central essentially living as a married couple but they do not want to get married. Bella, here’s why she says on an interview for 60 minutes she said I don’t want him to see me as the wife. I want him to see me as his lover his girlfriend. It’s Like a little forbidden fruit, you know, I want to keep him on. I want them to think that anything’s possible depending on behavior. What do you think about that statement in the fact that she is not putting any any value on marrying the father of her children?

Bela Gandhi 5:20

You know, I think, I think she came out of a pretty famously bad divorce, before she got together with pk. So I think it’s really normal after you’ve been through something that can be so traumatic, especially as a celebrity and when somebody was trying to you know, you know, take a legitimate part of your fortune that didn’t belong to them. Like I understand why she would be kind of have a lot of trepidation about getting into another marriage situation.

Damona 5:51

It is understandable. I’m a big fan of marriage, but I also think it’s not the right fit for everyone. I do find though, when you start to build your life together, you have two kids. You have a home together, that sometimes we, we lose sight of the big picture. And we just think like, well, I don’t want to go, I want to go against the grain I don’t want to do what what I did before or what other people are doing. And that sometimes, like, as much as we want it to be, like passion filled and romantic, we have to be a little bit practical and pragmatic.

Bela Gandhi 6:22

Oh, I think that that’s, I think that that’s so true. And I think, you know, keeping that spark going in a marriage, right, or even a long term relationship, it takes a lot of work, it takes a lot of communication, it takes a lot of negotiation, and it takes a lot of intimacy to get there and sometimes, you know, the the issue can be in a relationship, you know, especially when people can be have, you know, multiple partners or not married is the question is how truly safe Do you feel in this relationship without that official commitment, right and that can drive trust issues as well. Yeah,

Damona 7:03

I got a little nervous I must admit when she said I want to keep him on his toes. I want them to think that’s any anything’s possible depending on behavior, which I’m reading into me and like his behavior and that she could maybe withhold something from him if she doesn’t like what what he’s doing. And that felt a little bit manipulative to me, but maybe I’m reading it the wrong way.

Bela Gandhi 7:27

Yeah, I mean, I think you can read it that way. For sure. You know, and I think it’s also based on like, Okay, if you end up you know, pulling the wool over my eyes if you end up doing what you know, some other athletes have done to the people they’re in relationships with cheated on them, then there’s consequences for that behavior and peace out. I’m out if you do that.

Damona 7:53

Yes, she is. Setting a firm boundary. I expect nothing less of Shakira, but I do You like this idea of keeping the romance alive and like I think there’s a way that even if you are married or you’re considering getting married, you can still have that have that essence of the girlfriend the lover the the romantic interest and still keep keep that that energy alive even though you are now the wife.

Bela Gandhi 8:21

Yes, again, it definitely takes work right and it is because in a sense, like safety and excitement are two opposite emotions right? And the more attach them the more safe you feel with your partner, which is amazing. And you know, it’s the best feeling in the world. It becomes hard to keep that spark. So it’s really working on the balance of the two which is possible it just again, it’s it’s not natural.

Damona 8:45

Yes, it’s not natural. One thing that’s also not natural, is meeting people on Twitter. I read this really fun article in The Bold Italic which of course will link to in the show notes by a comedian named Jenny. Hope Again, who is just frustrated with Tinder she says she signs on and off multiple times throughout the day. But one thing that’s been consistent in her life is her Twitter presence and she actually uses it as a place to try out her jokes and really show her personality. And she gets a lot of dm slides, Bella, I hear you

Bela Gandhi 9:20

I know, I got married on Twitter.

Damona 9:22

I know a couple who got married on Twitter as well who will not on Twitter but from Twitter. They are tweet hearts. It can work but like this this article, they she posted a lot of her dm slides that were less than less than exciting to receive. And less than savory. Less than savory to read.

Bela Gandhi 9:49

How

Damona 9:50

How do you look at that in terms of Twitter being a dating, a place for dating and Twitter as she says being her dating app in a way? How do you filter Through those dm slides and not get overwhelmed or, or like disappointed and find the real gems, if you’re going to use Twitter in that, in that function. You

Bela Gandhi 10:11

know, Don’t I look at the entire world is fair game for dating, right? Whether it’s Twitter or Instagram, whether it’s work, whether it’s church, the synagogue, the train, you can meet great people everywhere. And the filtering mechanisms, ultimately, are going to be a little bit different just based on the context that you’ve met this person. But what what I liked about what she said is, you can really tell a lot about someone through reading their Twitter profile, and her Twitter profile was really thick. She had a lot and you could tell a lot about you could kind of make conclusions about her personality based on the things that she was tweeting. And you can also draw conclusions about other people based on what they’re tweeting. It’s like, in a sense, if you’re on Tinder or Bumble or match you can only look at that conversation that you’re having with that person. Here, you can look at the conversations that people are having with the world. Yes, it’s

Damona 11:08

in a way, it’s taken down the filter of I’m here for dating, like people on dating apps always try to put their best dating face forward. But there’s so much more information if you can actually see that person in their natural habitat and what they would post on Twitter. It was a little confusing in that she’s a comedian. And she’s like, some of this stuff is basically just jokes. And so people are going to make certain assumptions, assumptions based on what they’ve seen on her Twitter profile. But it seems like overall, it’s been more successful for her than dating apps have been,

Bela Gandhi 11:44

hey, if it works, keep doing it right. For some people. They meet on match for some people they meet on eHarmony Twitter, Instagram, I know you like me do this on a daily basis. You’ve seen it all. You’ve heard it all. Keep doing what works.

Damona 12:00

I like that. And I like that it’s you’re not attaching meaning to a certain way of meeting someone. A lot of times people tell me Well, I don’t want my story that I tell my kids to be that we met on Twitter or Tinder or what have you. And ultimately, if you get the happy ending doesn’t necessarily matter where it comes from.

Bela Gandhi 12:19

I hear it too to me. I’m like, then I don’t know that you’re truly ready to find love. Oh,

Bela Gandhi 12:28

tough love. Yeah. Right. You should be open to meeting people anywhere whether you meet eyes across mangoes at Whole Foods, whether you meet them on Tinder or match or on the train wherever it is right that it’s finding the lid to your pot. There’s nothing better in life who cares where they came from? Be grateful for that outlet.

Damona 12:49

Yes, well, I know you’ve been doing this a long time. As I have. I’ve I’ve written the way from online dating to dating apps and one source that I always look to for research on this area is the Pew Research Center. And they just released the 10 facts about online dating in America that I don’t think anything is shock is going to shock you or I, but it might shock some people that that now 45% of people are saying that dating apps are positive experiences, but they say they’ve had frustrations. Now, the majority of people under 30. Well, almost 50% of people under 30 have used a dating site or dating app. And those numbers are also growing in the 30 to 49 and the 50 plus group. So it’s really becoming a much more accepted way of dating then when I began coaching singles on dating apps before and people were like,

Bela Gandhi 13:47

I don’t want to do that.

Damona 13:48

What are you seeing as someone that’s also been in this space for a long time, in terms of attitudes around dating, and dating online?

Bela Gandhi 13:58

You know, I think there’s a certain reason Ignatius

Bela Gandhi 14:02

people are resigned to it like they know that they need to do it. And it’s just the way life works. I don’t know that anybody comes to me, particularly jazzed about mind dating. But you know, I look at dating that with three major pipelines I do you meet somebody in real life, you get set up with them, or you’re using a site or an app to meet people, it really boils down to those three. So if you don’t use technology, you’ve just eliminated one major pipeline of candidates.

Damona 14:32

Yeah. And the pipeline that really keeps growing. I mean, when I began doing this, they would say like, one in six relationships started with a dating site. And now those numbers are looking like more like one and four and possibly even one in three. I think the numbers actually underreported. So that’s really the trend. And even though you’re not maybe excited to use a dating app, I think sometimes people assign more meetings. To the vehicle, then they do intention to the process. Do you know what I mean by that?

Bela Gandhi 15:06

Yeah, absolutely. It’s like, well, I don’t want to do the online dating. I said, Do you want to find love? Then you need to do the data. Do you want to do the dating? Most people don’t want to do the dating, right? They want to Amazon Prime there, mate. You know, I want to check off 17 boxes. He should be this tall. He should make this much money. He should be this funny. And I’d like him delivered prime to my mailbox.

Damona 15:29

Yeah, I used to think that I actually felt that way about online dating for I still feel that way about online dating. I would call it man shopping. And I really feel like I ordered up my husband, but you know, I had to make a few returns. And that’s just part of the process. Sometimes you buy something it doesn’t really fit. So you got to take it back.

Bela Gandhi 15:47

Exactly. It’s like Goldilocks man. She had to sit in three chairs before she found the one that was just right.

Damona 15:53

Yes, yes, exactly. Just like Goldilocks. We’re all Goldilocks out here. What do you think in terms of the The qualities or the values that people are looking at, according to the Pew study, people were were focused on things like the type of relationship that the person was looking for whether or not they have children, hobbies and interests, religious beliefs. I’m going in, in descending order, racial or ethnic background, occupation, height still in there. And political affiliation. Those are all factors that people are sorting based on. Do you think we’re focusing on the wrong things right now?

Bela Gandhi 16:30

You know, I think that we’re focusing on quantitative things, right? Things that you can put numbers to things that you can assign values to things that are that things that seem easy, right? height, interest, religion, race, political affiliation, right. But ultimately, it’s the qualitative stuff that is the beauty of relationships.

Damona 16:52

Yes. So maybe it’s the maybe the maybe the religious beliefs if that’s really core to who you are. Maybe like the Children that’s kind of a hard thing to overlook if they have children and you’re not into that, but the superficial stuff like what’s your take on height? I feel like I keep going around and around with clients about the importance of height. What do you say to women that that are like must be six to our taller?

Bela Gandhi 17:20

Now I tell them you’re kind of dating from your cave woman self like I get. we’re wired that way right? There’s evolution. 200,000 years humans haven’t evolved very much. And women still preference traits that they did you know back in the caveman days like I want you to be big caveman who can go out to jungle kill buffalo drag buffalo home to feed me and children. But I really rationally in today’s day and age, size doesn’t really matter height doesn’t really matter. If you look at the statistics, only 12% of men in this country are over six feet tall. The average American man take it A cross white, black, Hispanic, Asian is between five, eight and five, nine.

Damona 18:06

And that’s a perfectly good height for most women who are what average five for the average American

Bela Gandhi 18:11

woman. It’s about 5455. You know, and six feet tall. I tell my clients like, think about, I just put 100 age appropriate men in the room. Okay? Now if you say you want him to be six feet or over, you open the door, let 88 of them walk out of the room. Now you’re left with 12. That is what you did with just that one parameter.

Damona 18:36

That is so interesting when you look at it that way and you really see the numbers of your dating pool going down and then and then all of the other filters that we put on it, suddenly we’re like there’s one guy or less

Bela Gandhi 18:48

that we may be looking, it’s a percentage multiplier. Exactly. So if you have 12 guys left in the room that are six feet taller over, then if you’re like, I’d like him to be white and I’d like him to be Halfway right? There’s nobody left.

Damona 19:04

What can people do to expand their dating pool right now beyond just taking away some of those, those filters that you and I feel are non essentials? What are some other ways that people can open up to love,

Bela Gandhi 19:18

you know, with every inch that you come down closer to your height, I’m five, three on a really big hair day. And my husband’s five, six on a really big hair day. Right? And, and the closer you can come to your own height, every inch screens in hundreds, if not thousands of good prospective candidates for you. You know, so really think about you know, I tell my clients like everybody’s the same height line down. Yeah.

Damona 19:47

That’s what everyone’s going for anyway.

Bela Gandhi 19:50

Right. Right. And, and I get how we’re wired right and, but understand the math of what you’re looking for. Know what’s really non negotiable to you. To your point earlier, if religion is a big deal for you, then that has to be in there, but you’ve got to be able to give on something else. Because if you do that percentage multiplier and you’re not getting good candidates in your pool, you might just be constraining too many parameters and the sites don’t have someone for you. If you’re not getting good matches, take a look at yourself and say, What if I asked for? Is it realistic based on the demographic on this site?

Damona 20:32

Yes. Is it realistic and is it even really what I need? Yes, it really that important when you really think about the long term goals that you have and the values that you have and what you really need in a partner. Okay, we are going to take a quick break when we come back we’ll be doing these five q fab questions with Bella. So Bella, get ready because we’re going to go deep in the next segment, I’m ready. We are back with Bella Gandhi of smart Dating Academy. So if you’ve been following this month, we are asking five big questions of for dating experts and getting wildly different responses, but all very illuminating. So Bella, Here’s your first question for five q fab. What is the biggest challenge for daters today?

Bela Gandhi 21:23

Man? I have to pick one. Just one. And like,

Damona 21:27

Here, I’ll I’ll narrow it down. Not one of the ones that we’ve talked about before. In the first segment.

Bela Gandhi 21:34

Yeah, I think relying too much on chemistry. Right. We feel like like there’s a lot in that one statement. I think that with dating apps and sites and this abundance of people that are seemingly out there for us, what happens is we go out on a date, and we’re not feeling fireworks chemistry butterflies were like men Let me see who else is in my inbox. I don’t think we’re a match. You know, when you throw that person back to the pond, it’s such a big mistake. For example, I knew my husband, we were friends for six years before there was a spark, right? And we work with our clients. I don’t care if you’re feeling chemistry on the first or second or third date because good love can be a slow burn. It’s such a mistake what people are doing today expecting to be bowled over electrified by a person. In fact, if my clients are feeling really heavy chemistry with somebody on the first date, it’s a total red flag to me it’s a red flag meaning I think this person that you have all this chemistry with me just remind you of someone that you dated that was bad for you.

Damona 22:42

Oh, yeah, I remember you saying that on Good Morning America segment that that those heavy butterflies are actually a bad sign and not to keep going back to the same well, but I talked to a few weeks ago about love at first sight and how it can’t exist because you I don’t really know that other person but I never really thought about it from the perspective of it may be your reaction to that person reminding you of an of something familiar and we tend to attract the familiar, right? Even if it’s something that’s not good for us, we we tend to repeat

Bela Gandhi 23:17

the same pattern. Hey, I believe there’s lust at first sight, but love at first sight know lust comes after lust, attraction, and then attachment and love,

Damona 23:28

like those difference, like how is there a certain amount of time that it takes you think to develop that slow love?

Bela Gandhi 23:36

Yeah, for sure. I mean, you have to, you have to grow emotionally intimate with the person, right? You have to feel like this person is good for you. They’re stable. They make you feel safe, secure. They’re a cheerleader for you. They’re supportive. They’re kind, they’re generous. They love your people like those things take time to unfold. And this is where so many people Fuck is, you know, I would say lust is nature’s way of tricking us into love and attachment. And you really have to vet who the hell you’re dating. Yeah,

Damona 24:11

yeah, that’s it. That’s a easier said than done, you know, when we get caught up in the feelings and and then and it’s not even just the feelings Bella, we get caught up in the story, this that happy ending that we want. And the story that we’ve told ourselves he’s going to be six to he’s going to make this much money. He’s also like you said going to be like Catholic and this background and whatever. And then you get there and realize the story that you were telling yourself isn’t the story that’s in front of you. Yeah, question to the story into getting that happy ending even though the facts aren’t necessarily there in front of us.

Bela Gandhi 24:46

And yeah, yeah. And it’s focused on the right things. I tell people be picky, but be picky about the right things. Be open to the story.

Damona 24:55

Huh? Yeah, yes. And so and sometimes, the story goes in and unexpected directions and you have to be willing to, to go with the flow. So for those people that are still looking for their love story, here’s the second question, what is the best way to find love today?

Bela Gandhi 25:13

Hey, now I’m going to hark back to the three wells that I talked about right in, in real life getting set up and going on online dates, right? I mean, the best way is to make a plan that includes all three of those pipelines, and then optimizing it, everything that like finding love, there’s nothing more important than you will ever do in your life, then find the right partner for you. And the best way to do it is to take those three pipelines into consideration and then make a plan you have to know where you are right? And then you have to know where you want to go. You need two points to have a path where I am and where I want to be. But it’s hard right it that that’s the

Damona 26:00

Renee brown calls that’s the messy middle.

Bela Gandhi 26:03

It’s the messy middle. It’s like anything, right? It’s like changing careers. It’s like starting a business. It’s like having children. The middle is always messy. Right? And the journey is never a straight line up. It’s a lot of mess in between ups downs, plateaus, downs, lower downs, high ups, right and coming back to the mean.

Damona 26:22

Okay, so for those that have identified that they are not necessarily on the path that they want to be on. Our third question is What? How can people change their patterns in love?

Bela Gandhi 26:35

intervention, you need help. It doesn’t come naturally. Right? You can an intervention, meaning you might go out and buy a book that resonates with you, if you’re a person that’s a DIY, or you can Google it, you can read it. You can put your plan together and do it then do it. Right. If not, you need a supportive team. Maybe it’s a therapist, you know, maybe it’s a village of friends. Maybe it’s a co You need to change patterns requires a lot of work, a lot of mindfulness and a lot of Conscious Dating.

Damona 27:09

Oh, but that’s tough. Because that also, it does require an acknowledgement that that something is broken. And that’s the place that I find a lot of people get. Talk themselves out of, right? How do you know what the right next step should be like? I had someone who I think follows me on Twitter, who was like already for a dating plan. We’re talking about dating plan, and then all of a sudden, she’s like, actually, I just decided that I’m going to do a like a man cleanse and I’m going to have just no just no men this month instead. And it was like, Whoa, like in between day one, I wanted to do it day two, I am just actually going to retreat from the whole thing. How do you know what the right path is at the right time?

Bela Gandhi 28:01

It just it depends on how you feel right? If the thought of going on a date excites you, then go on the man plan. If the thought of going on a date, you know, makes you want to vomit, then it’s time, man. It’s

Damona 28:15

good. It’s a good point, like, Where are you right now. And so many times people come to me and they’re like, I’m just super frustrated with dating apps. And I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall. And I’m doing this than the other thing. And I just I hate it. I’m all about you dating from a healthy, happy place, right?

Bela Gandhi 28:34

Look, if you’re tired of anything, it’s not going to work for you. You have to, you know, the mindset that I espouse is called psychotic optimism, right? You have to believe in your gut, in your toes. Every part of you, like love exists for me, it’s when it’s not an F. Right? And like once you start to adopt this mindset, side of you know, the FDA psychotic optimism, then you’re going to start to be in a good mindset today. If you’re telling yourself, you know, the bad stories, I’m too old. I’m too fat. I’m too damaged. There’s nobody good out there. How well do you think you’re going to date? Huh?

Damona 29:21

Yeah. And you have to be dating from that place of psychotic optimism. But in a way that’s like faith in the face of it, even when does the story that you see doesn’t add up to that it’s just like having the faith in spite of what you might be getting right now and knowing that the right now is not necessarily the future to get a leap of faith.

Bela Gandhi 29:51

Everything is a leap of faith right and it requires hope, massive amounts of hope, and hope springs eternal when you live Take on that mindset of love will come to me. It’s a when it’s not an if I’ve just guaranteed you guys that you’re going to find love. Now all you have to do is go out and date like hell define this person. So go forth and conquer.

Damona 30:16

Yes, yes. Okay, so now we found the person. Now the fourth question is what are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?

Bela Gandhi 30:27

commitment, shared commitment to each other. Right. And a shared partnership. You know, I, my husband and I have been married, it’ll be 23 years this year. And we have work committed to each other and we’re committed to each other’s happiness. And we’re committed to running this crazy business that we have called home. And yes, and being supportive of each other’s dreams and wishes and you know, being Continue to give more than you take and you cannot go wrong.

Damona 31:05

Oh, I love that you said that give more than you take,

Bela Gandhi 31:07

give more than you take and make a gratitude list about your partner, right? We talk a lot about gratitude and it’s linkage to happiness, right? It’s irrefutable, we all know it’s true. Make, you know, make a gratitude list about your partner. If you find yourself in that rut for those of you that might be in new relationships that are listening, or in relationships, think look at what this person does for you see them, notice them, tell them, watch your relationship change for the better.

Damona 31:41

Hmm. I love that gratitude and everything. Gratitude, gratitude, also, and dating. That’s something I do with clients at the beginning of the process of making sure that they appreciate what they have, rather than focusing on what they don’t have. Yeah, I have one final question for you for five key fab. And that’s whose relationship do you admire? And why?

Bela Gandhi 32:02

Well, you know, I am really lucky. I know we can’t pick our families, but I really will. I respect and admire the relationships of both sets of my parents, my own parents as well as my husband’s parents. Both of them are have been married 51 and 52 years respectively. And they have been through high highs. They’ve been through low lows. They have had children together, they have had success in careers they have had, you know, bankruptcies, they’ve had health scares, they’ve had people close to them die, and they have held each other’s hands through this journey called life.

Damona 32:47

Do you think having a successful relationship yourself, how much do you think having that relationship role model in each of your parents impacted your ability to form a successful relationship and be securely attached?

Bela Gandhi 33:05

Yeah, I think it’s really important. You know, I think that in general, our parents and the relationships that they modeled for us can have a profound impact on how we choose our own partners. Right? You can either repeat or you can repel. It’s usually one or the other.

Damona 33:22

Hmm, yeah. And then there’s hope still, for those listening who, like me came from a divorced, divorced couple. There is hope, right?

Bela Gandhi 33:33

Oh my gosh, you guys. I mean, every client of mine, we’ve had thousands of clients over the last decade. Most people come in with divorce, death, trauma, abuse, you know, one or two narcissistic parents. I believe me, I see the absolute beautiful, Rainbow laid and happy endings for people That’s why earlier when you asked what do people need, they need intervention with the right intervention and the right amount of hard work and doing things and being patient positive and perseverant, you can overcome that it does not have to be your destiny as well.

Damona 34:17

Well, thank you for sharing your insights with us for five q fab. And for answering my questions, but that’s not all because our listeners have also sent in their questions and we are going to keep you keep you here for technically dating. How are you liking five q FEHB. This is a totally new format for love month and I want to know what you think of it so far. So you can tweet me at damona Hoffman with the hashtag five que FEHB FBB. And tell me what your big takeaways were from my interview with Bella. So she’s answered my questions, but now she’s going to answer yours. If you have a dating question. By the way, I love giving love Advice. And you can send me a question anytime on any platform at damona Hoffman or you can leave me a message through dates and maids.com or email me or send me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 I triple dog dare you because people are so scared to leave their voice. But I promise you, I won’t buy I’ll be compassionate as I always try to be on the show. But I would love to hear your voice. I’d love to have you submit a question via voicemail. So however your questions get to me, we will be answering them. We have three questions queued up for Bella to answer in the next segment. We are back with data mates and here’s what’s on your mind today. Every week we take questions that you’ve submitted through Instagram through Twitter in my email inbox, and we get the questions answered by highly qualified experts like Bella Gandhi. Okay, Bella, this one Lady asks, What is a reasonable age gap for dating? I started dating someone who is seven years younger. My concern is we won’t be on the same page when we get down to having future talk. Is it worth dating someone that much

Bela Gandhi 36:14

younger? Look, I’d have to know what the ages you know, if one is 18 and the others 25. That’s a big age difference. But if one person is 35 and 42, those age differences whittle away as we get older,

Damona 36:28

I did actually do a little follow up research and found out the ages are 33. And I think she said 20. She said 26. So there’s six years, almost seven, right? Yeah.

Bela Gandhi 36:40

Not necessarily. I mean, it’s person specific. You know, I know the average age for men to get married in this country still 29 years old, right? So 26 is not a baby.

Damona 36:51

Mm hmm. But at the same time, there are some questions that they should ask each other or figure out Throughout the process of dating about where they are in the timeline, right, 100% and

Bela Gandhi 37:04

soon Don’t wait a year to ask those questions.

Damona 37:08

Yeah, so that’s that. That’s something I just want to seize on for a minute in her question. She said, Is it worth dating someone that much younger? And to me that sounds like we’ll meet, you’re playing ahead to the end of the story. before you’ve you’ve actually read it. What do you think about that?

Bela Gandhi 37:28

Yeah, you know, I have the conversation, right? You don’t catastrophize it just because it’s different than other people. Some of my best friends are, you know, one of my best friends has a husband who’s seven years younger than her and they’re now married and they have three kids.

Damona 37:44

Yes. I found out today that Shakira has a boyfriend. I almost called him husband she would she would kill me. Sorry, Shakira. Her boyfriend is 10 years younger than her. She’s 43. He’s 33. So get it, girl. Get it girl. If it works, why not? But yeah, she’ll have to go through the process right of figuring out like not just not focusing so much on the age gap but in terms of future goals and the path that they’re on right

Bela Gandhi 38:12

yeah, you like you know what if this goes well I would like to be engaged in a year and married in two years and I’m looking to have a couple of kids right so I’m not looking to drag this on for the next eight years. Like how do you feel about that? And having those direct conversations and he will

Damona 38:29

run if he is not up for that he will run so fast Exactly.

Bela Gandhi 38:33

If you’re the right person for him. He will stick around

Damona 38:38

Yes, it’s amazing when when they feel ready to commit guys will commit but man when you when you try to force it. I know you fellas are like, Nah, we’re not down for that. I have a couple more questions Bella, before we let you go. This person this is a sometimes people messaged me on Instagram. Very simple. direct question. This one is would you suggest speed dating?

Bela Gandhi 39:05

Hmm, sure, why not?

Bela Gandhi 39:10

Why not? I have a client that got married through speed dating. Not a lot of them. But definitely, I can think of one off the top of my head. I like, you know, look, do whatever it takes for you to feel good about dating. And for some people, as part of their plan, they want to get out there. And they want to meet people IRL in real life. So if that’s you, go for it do the speed dating.

Damona 39:36

Yeah, I find it funny. A lot of people will say to me that they, they don’t like online dating, but then when I suggest speed dating, that’s too much work. So it’s like somewhere in between. I don’t ever want to leave my couch and I can’t actually get dressed up to meet 10 guys that may not be a match for me. It’s like finding that middle ground. Sometimes very tricky. I found speed dating was more popular when I started doing this. And like I did some speed dating events that I hosted with, you know, speed dating companies like, it’s been a minute. It’s been like, you know, eight or 10 years, since that really seemed like a very popular option, but at the same time, it’s like it’s all in the pool, right? You get in the pool, and then you see who’s there and maybe what if your perfect person is there, and you just didn’t show up that day? Yeah, that’d be a bummer.

Bela Gandhi 40:34

That would be a bummer.

Damona 40:36

Yeah, so I suggest trying it sounds like we’re both on the same page there. Yeah. Love alright. Last question. Bella. What do you do when you feel like giving up on dating?

Bela Gandhi 40:47

Become a psychotic optimist!

Bela Gandhi 40:54

you have to know Look around you, right? Not every person That’s in a relationship is perfect size zero, you know, whatever it is you think it takes to get into a relationship and that you feel like you don’t have. And you have to know that this is what you’re wired for. You’re wired for love, right? And you just have to get back on the bike and keep doing it. If you need to take a break, go into do a 30 day dating, detox, that’s fine. And then by that, I mean shut it down. Right? Don’t like peek at your apps, like delete everything, and go into a total like, I’m going to rebuild myself and self care for that month, and really do the things that bring me joy, and make me feel good again and then go back into the dating pool.

Damona 41:45

Yes, so now we’ve convinced everybody to stop dating. But then everything will be better later. No. Yeah, that’s like if you’re, if you’re at that place, you could stop dating But otherwise, you should keep keep moving forward. You should work Bella and smart dating Academy should keep listening to this podcast and become a psychotic optimist and then you’ll be all right. Amen. Thank you so much for being here Bella, I love having you for our love month five q FEHB. keep spreading the love out there in the world. Thank you for having

Bela Gandhi 42:15

You’re doing such great work.

Damona 42:18

Thank you You too. If you love Bella Gandhi as much as I do, please follow her on Twitter at Bella Gandhi we’ll put the link in the show notes. You can also find her online at smart dating academy.com I hope you enjoyed Episode 297 of dates and mates coming up on that three hundo again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials and I really really do want to hear your love questions. Don’t forget to leave us a review on Apple podcasts or Stitcher or wherever you are listening to this show. We love our listeners. We love to know what you like about the show. What you want more of what You want less of so thank you so much for all of your feedback. Keep it coming. We will be back again next week with our final episode of this special love month series. We have easy dating coach Mike Goldstein, who will be giving us the male perspective on the five questions about love. Can’t wait for next week. Until then, I wish you happy dating

Physical Type & Dating Addiction: Love Month Part 2

VALENTINE’S DAY IS HERE!

It’s February and you know what that means – Valentine’s Day is upon us! And to celebrate the month of love, we’ll be doing something special. We have 4 of the top prior Dates & Mates guest love experts who will be joining me for the next 4 weeks.

This is episode two of our Love Month five-question February series. We’re using the hashtag #5QFeb if you want to get in on the conversation.

Today we sat down with Julie Spira – an award-winning dating coach, media personality, and bestselling author. She was an early adopter of the Internet and has been coaching singles on finding love online for 25 years.

You’ve seen her on ABC, BBC, CBS, CNN, E!, FOX, and so much more! She’s been a friend and mentor to me since I started in this business over a decade ago.

Fun fact: she actually holds the record for most guest appearances on Dates & Mates!

More on that later, first we have headlines!

DATING DISH (2:00)

Mental Health & Dating Apps

The latest study on mental health and dating apps comes from The University of Saskatchewan. The concern is that dating apps may be degrading mental health because of the constant exposure to rejection. Damona and Julie have thoughts.

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Sheryl Sandberg turns her tragic love story into a happy ending

Five years after the tragic death of her husband, Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg finds love again with Tom Bernthal.

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Don’t go broke this Valentine’s Day!

According to Wallethub, men are 3x more likely to go into credit debt for Valentine’s Gifts. Why do you think this is?

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#5QFeb (15:00)

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Damona asks Julie the 5 MOST IMPORTANT dating questions of our time:

What is the biggest challenge for daters today?
What is the best way to find love?
How can people change their patterns in love?
What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Whose relationship do you admire and why?

TECHNICALLY DATING (36:00)

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Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Email – I’m wondering your thoughts on having a “type” physically and criteria wise when it comes to picking men on the apps. I feel like out and about meeting men in the wild there is conversation and sparks that might lead to attraction outside of your “type”. The apps feel more like reading resumes looking for alignment in terms of interest, education, values and physical attraction. So do I break this pattern? Should I break this pattern? On the one hand I’m worried I might miss someone, on the other should I be setting up dates with guys that don’t seem interesting or attractive to me? Am I doing these apps wrong?
From Twitter – How do I quit online dating. I keep having really bad experiences. I’m called a bitch on a daily basis for dating with intention. And I’m objectified by creeps with every other message. But I feel like I’m longing for a relationship so badly. I can’t bring myself to stop.

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:12

Happy Valentine’s week lovers. This is Episode Two of our love month five question February series during which I will interview your favorite dates and mates prior guests to ask the most pressing questions about love. Today we are using the hashtag five q fab if you want to get in on the conversation, and today’s guest is one of my personal faves. Julie aspira is an award winning dating coach, a media personality and best selling author. She was an early adopter of the internet and has been coaching singles on finding love for 25 years. Yes, finding love online for 25 years. You’ve seen her on ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, ie Fox, basically any three letter channel any two letter or one letter channel. She’s been on it, and she’s also been a friend and a mentor to me since I started in this business over a decade ago. So, before I get big smooches, I have to tell you that she also is now holding the record for the most dates and mates appearances. Please give big speeches to my friend Julie aspira.

Julie Spira 1:21

Hi.

Damona 1:23

Welcome back to the show. I’m so excited to talk with you Valentine’s week. You are the person that I had to have on this week’s show.

Julie Spira 1:31

Oh, thank you for having me. It’s always fun to be on the show. But yes, right now love is on steroids. So we really need chatting about you know what to do in anticipation of Valentine’s Day.

Damona 1:42

Well, we have all these headlines that are all about how love is on steroids. This week we have the newest study on how dating apps could be affecting your mental health. And Facebook CEO Sheryl Sandberg has turned her tragic love story into a happy ending. Some good news is Valentine’s Day. Plus it’s Valentine’s week. But do you need to go broke to express your love? We’ll be covering those headlines and then we’ll be answering your questions including should you swipe according to your type? I really wasn’t trying to rhyme there but was pretty cute. And how can you quit your online dating addiction? Julie, are you ready to do these headlines? Let’s do it. Mental health and dating apps we are both of us have been in the online dating space for a long time. And we’ve read a lot of these headlines people have been talking about the effect of online dating on your safety and the rise and STDs which people sometimes linked to dating apps. But one thing that we don’t hear a lot about is mental health. And there isn’t a lot of research on the way that dating apps are actually impacting our emotions the way we feel. And according to this article, which will link in the show notes, the researchers are saying that the amount of rejection that one can experience on a dating app app is higher than you would normally experience through traditional dating avenues. I’m curious as someone that’s been in the space for a long time, Julie, do you feel like dating apps are making people more depressed today?

Julie Spira 3:18

I think people can find a variety of ways of getting depressed. And here’s the thing with dating apps, you’re getting more rejection, because you’re getting more matches. It’s just a numbers game. So if you went out on three dates prior to joining a dating app, and maybe you like one out of three people, and you were rejected by two, it’s just you know, too bad dates with you, next week will be better. But when you’re chatting with 20 people at a time, 10 people at a time, you’ve got 50 matches, you’re swiping, you’re chatting, you’re matching, and then you know you find out they’ve met someone else or you find out that you’re not their type, you know, it stings and and it makes sense You really feel bad, but it’s still a numbers game. So if you’re matching with 50 people and you get 10 rejections, maybe it’s eight more than what I refer to before, but it’s still percentage wise, a volume issue, and you just need to be prepared that the rejection actually is a good thing. Because then they weren’t your type. And I’m telling you, you dodged a bullet.

Damona 4:22

Yes, I always say rejection is your protection. And I had this philosophy that dating app messages are sort of like coins in the fountain, you know, you toss toss them and you make a wish. And if they come true, it’s wonderful. You got the relationship that you wanted, but if you didn’t, it’s like, are you going to be really upset over a penny? And I say, I’ve been saying this Julie for like, over 10 years, but at the same time, I know it’s not. It’s not so easy to just be like, I was rejected, no big deal. How do you how do you recommend that your clients keep a thick skin about it or reframe their Thinking around sending outgoing messages and swiping right and not getting the reaction that they are hoping for every time.

Julie Spira 5:09

Well, no one’s going to get a home run every time just like no one’s going to buy the winning lottery ticket. Maybe you’ll maybe you’ll get three on the scratch or something and you’ll make $5. And so I think the point is, is managing expectations is so key to what both you and I do. And when someone comes to me and says, Oh, I really don’t want to try online dating. I did it. It didn’t work. And I see that they’ve had the last profile and they barely log on. I have to say, no one, neither myself. No one has the magic wand that’s going to make Mr. Right or news right up here within the first week. And while you might dread thinking of going on three dates and 52 weeks on your dating app. If somebody told you on the 53rd week you were going to have the greatest love ever and you were going to meet your soulmate. You really wouldn’t mind that. It’s 53 weeks away. Because you know, there’s a pot of gold. So it’s managing expectations and realizing that it takes time and new people join every single day. And you’re going to suffer through online dating fatigue, or online dating anxiety disorder, I always call it oh da dee. And And when that happens, take break. Just take a break, and don’t, don’t open the app for a week. And then new people are joining all the time, people breaking up all the time, and everybody’s looking for the chance to truly, really connect with someone. So it’s okay to go on bad days because you learn from them more about who you don’t want to be with. So when the right one comes along, it’s much more parent.

Damona 6:44

Hmm, well, the right one did come along. For someone who’s been in the news, Sheryl Sandberg, who you all probably know is the CEO of Facebook. She also was the author of lean in and the whole philosophy of women leaning in and work and getting ahead My interpretation when I read that book was that a big part of her ability to lean in was the support of her husband, Dave Goldberg. And unfortunately five years ago he passed away unexpectedly and she was was left having to juggle all these things on our own. But here’s the here’s that pot of gold but you’re saying at the end of the rainbow, she is now engaged to Tom bernthal who is you might recognize the last name he is the richer and more handsome brother of actor john Burton. And I’m sure the two of them both thought they wouldn’t find someone again but here they are loving another time and being engaged Do you think

Julie Spira 7:47

I you know I’ve

Damona 7:48

never had to deal with love finding love again after a loss like that. And five years is a pretty good amount of time for someone to take before they are ready to jump into it, but it was pretty fast. Julie, they’ve just they just got together in April. And now they’re already getting engaged. What are your thoughts on on this relationship?

Julie Spira 8:09

My thoughts are she’s had these five years to mourn. And she’s got a very responsible job and responsible for family. And she met someone who basically can really just move into her life and she can move into his life, and they can build a life together with both of their families. And I think that everybody desires companionship, and people go to bereavement groups or people sometimes whether it’s a death of a partner or even a devastating divorce, when you thought you were going to go the distance, that’s a death that feels like a death as well when you’re going through a divorce or a bad breakup. So when you suddenly can meet someone, and it’s not going to be the same as you’ve had in your previous husband or partner or relationship, but someone where you can have a great companionship, and together you can actually have find love again. I think it’s fabulous. But then again, my grandfather got remarried at 87 years old. And so I believe there’s no expiration date on love. Oh, wow.

Damona 9:09

Yeah. I’m glad that you mentioned that to Julian. And I know you do coach a lot of daters that are older and that maybe haven’t dealt with dating apps or haven’t even dated in in decades. I think she’s 50

Julie Spira 9:22

now

Damona 9:24

and getting remarried. So it’s actually one one more vote for the over 50 married again, and finding love club.

Julie Spira 9:35

I’m very happy for her great news. Yeah.

Damona 9:38

Well, we did mention it is Valentine’s week. If you’ve been living under a rock. It’s been it’s Valentine’s week all week. And there was a new spending survey from wallet hub. I actually had read an article earlier. That said the according to the National Retail Federation, Americans were projected to spend $27 billion on Valentine’s gifts this year. I thought that was insane. While it helped did this similar survey, and they looked at what people are spending their money on. And it said, most people are going to buy candy cards and flowers. I’m so inspired by this Julie

Julie Spira 10:18

right. And repeat. Right?

Damona 10:20

Right. What are some better gifts you think that people can be thinking of? You know, if you’re listening to this on Monday, you still have time to get a better gift. Candy To me, it just seems like you ran out of time you didn’t really care then you just like grabbed a box of chocolate.

Julie Spira 10:36

I’ll never forget the time and a former boyfriend. Valentine’s Day showed up with this box of drugstore candy that I know he picked up along the way. And I’m like, really? And so I feel as though these items Yes, people would like flowers. And you know what women do like flowers. Men actually like flowers too. You can get my guy a bouquet of tulips and in And in color other than red, but you don’t need to break the bank. And I’m not really spending a lot on Valentine’s Day this year, probably because I’m going to be tired. But But what I am doing is I’m recommending that people create experiences. So what that means is maybe Valentine’s day you’ll get a gift card. If somebody really loves books, get a gift card to a bookstore. If someone’s anxious to see a play, and they really love plays, and that it’s something you can go to together or concert tickets, something you can go to together. Or better yet, if you really can’t splurge on StubHub for that fabulous sold out rock concert, then look and see other events that are free. There’s always a pre museum day or a museum night and create an event and give your partner a coupon for a future date, where you’re going to go museum hopping for the day and maybe you know, a little gift from the museum store.

Damona 11:55

I love that I’m very big into experiences and I’ve always said that to my husband since the beginning like Don’t give me stuff. I’m not into stuff. Although I told him long ago that I really wasn’t into flowers. But there have been some instances where I was like, you’re good, I got me flowers, you have to be you have to be careful what you what you tell them early on, right. But

Julie Spira 12:13

there’s nothing wrong with flowers. And here’s the thing I recommend, if you can’t afford, you know, the flowers that are delivered that suddenly are $99, go to the grocery store and pick up a dozen red tulips and just show up with something and a card that shows that you you’re thinking out of the box, you recognize that this is a romantic day, but you don’t know to need to go to Tiffany and buy really expensive jewelry and you just need to do something, you know, that’s within your budget. And if you’re in a relationship that’s not new, it’s great to talk about the Valentine’s budget. So where do you Where do you like to go? Um, you know, going to the post six restaurants on Valentine’s Day may not be an option. So the good news is Valentine’s Day is a On a three day weekend was actually for if you think about it, because it’s because of, I think it’s Presidents Day. So you can celebrate on Friday and spend a lot of money at a restaurant or bring in takeout and have in room dining, or you can instead, you know, Happy Valentine’s Day celebrated when it’s less chaotic and we’re, you know, hurt your bankbook as much. And that would be on Saturday, Sunday. And if you’re lucky enough not to have to work on Monday, Monday, see a lot of other options to do things that other people are spending a lot of money on Friday, that won’t as I said, it won’t kill your wallet on Saturday, Sunday or Monday.

Damona 13:37

Yeah, I was shocked from this article. They said that men are three times more likely to go into credit card debt for Valentine’s Day gifts. Guys, you don’t need to go into credit card debt. It’s not that serious. But one thing that surprised me Julie is they asked men and women if they thought that the bill should be split on Valentine’s Day. 38% of men said yes and 31 percent of women also thought that they should split the check. I just have to know where you land on that.

Julie Spira 14:07

I don’t believe in splitting the check on Valentine’s Day or your birthday, or anything that’s really that significant when it comes to love and romance or first date, of course. But it really depends on what you’re doing. I mean, if you’re cooking first class tickets to go something pairs for Petland time today, which most of us aren’t, but then go ahead and use miles or split the check. But outside of that, I think that for a heterosexual relationship, the man wants to be the hero on Valentine’s Day. So let them pick up the bill.

Damona 14:36

All right, you have had the final word in that segment. Julie, we are going to be back with your five q fab. The five questions we’ve been asking are for repeat, dating experts on dates and mates. Since you’re still listening, you must like what you hear. And if you do, why not take a moment to hit the subscribe button on whichever podcast platform you’re listening to. Right now and that way you will be immediately notified whenever we drop a new episode. Or for example, a bonus episode ahem which will be happening on Valentine’s Day my friends, so don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review while you’re there so we can reach more people and heal more hearts this Valentine’s Day. We will be back with Julie spirent answering our five questions for five q FEHB. In just a moment. We are back with Julie aspira, the cyber dating expert and we are doing our love month five q FEHB. So, Julie, I’ve known you for a long time. And I very much trust and respect your your advice on everything dating and relationships. So I’m really curious what your answers are to the five questions that we have teed up for this month. Are

Julie Spira 15:52

you ready for this? Go for it.

Damona 15:55

Julie Spira What is the biggest challenge for daters today

Julie Spira 16:01

I think the biggest challenge for dangerous today if there are too many choices, and I guess that’s a good news, bad news answer, because without all of these choices, we wouldn’t be able to meet so many people and actually form relationships. But because we have too many choices, it’s hard for people to be able to make a decision to say, you know, I really like you and maybe I should take my profile down, or let’s see where it goes. If it doesn’t work out, well, we can always rejoin people are hesitant to take the profiles down because of all the the abundance of options, you know, they call it the Paradox of Choice. And as a result, they’re giving up good opportunities. And then suddenly they circle back and we’ll see that guys in a committed relationship. So we need to learn to be aware when someone really great comes along, and I’m telling you, he or she won’t be perfect because none of us are perfect, but if they have, you know, three out of the five of your top traits and give them a second chance Go on a second date going a third date, and at a particular time, move it forward or move on.

Damona 17:07

I want to pause to talk about that DTR conversation because I have been getting a lot of questions from listeners and from clients about when is the right time. And just as you said, there’s that question of, are you taking your profile down? I don’t know. I don’t want to, like, mention it and then have him think that I’m trying to move things too fast. And I actually had a client recently where we literally spent maybe a month of sessions talking about how to bridge the conversation. And my advice to her was like, just wait a little bit longer, a little longer. I feel like women want to have that cup DTR conversation usually, before the men are ready.

Julie Spira 17:48

Do you do say, I think it used to be that way and what I’m finding now there’s a shift because I’m working with men who are like I met her and I’m done. I mean, they they want to hunt and they want to like grab their prey now. And so what they’re doing is they’re chasing women away because they’re saying, Okay, so here’s my boundary, this is what I can offer you. And this is what I want to take you and this is how I want to live our life and can we be exclusive, and the women are freaking out and going, Hey, I’ve only been dating you in six days, or six dates or whatever it may be. And so don’t so quick to seal the deal because I love the different phases of courtship. But when it comes to being sexually intimate, you’ve got to decide you know, are you okay? in an open relationship? people I work with are not are, are you? If you’re about to have sex? Do you want them to go get tested, I mean, that’s the perfect time to talk about defining the next phase of your relationship. And that doesn’t mean you putting a ring on it. It just means if you want to be sexually exclusive, let’s go together and get tested I know doesn’t sound very romantic, but it’s responsible. And while we’re doing it, you know, I really don’t feel comforted. dating somebody who has an active dating profile. So I’m going to take mine down. But I’m not going to ask you to take your stand until you’re ready. And when you say that, you know, usually someone will just catch up in time. I’m glad

Damona 19:14

that you you phrased it that way like you make it about you. It’s not you need to take down your profile right now because things are getting serious. It’s, I’m going to take down my profile, you can do what you want. I’m just letting you know where I stand and how I feel. And that takes a level of bravery, Julie, because so many times we are afraid to really express how we feel because if we say we like this person, and they don’t feel the same way yet, then we there there comes the rejection. Again, we feel like we’ve been rejected,

Julie Spira 19:46

but before you you know, put that big in a scarlet letter are on your face. And then here’s another one that won’t commit to make as they’re playing the field and you must be a player. Make sure you say and I hope you catch up and that doesn’t mean they will Or they won’t, but you’re not putting this like pressure on man. And when you say I hope they’ll catch up, you’re just giving them a little nudge. And chances are they’ll catch up a little sooner than they might have been had you not have to have the conversation.

Damona 20:13

Yes, I’m a big fan for just just voicing just voicing that thing that you’re feeling. And maybe if you’re a guy, and you’re six days, six days into dating someone, and your instinct is to tell them that you love them. Maybe

Julie Spira 20:27

that’s too soon.

Damona 20:28

But like, if you’ve been dating for a little while, and you’re really feeling bonded to someone to say how you feel the end of the story with my client is that last weekend, she she was introducing this guy, she’s been dating to friends. And we came up with her just saying, I’m excited for you to meet my friends. How do you want me to introduce you? And then he said, I’d like to be introduced as your boyfriend. Is that okay? You know, and here there’s like four months this elephant in the room of like, We both feel like we’re exclusive, but nobody really wants to say it. And she was like, I was amazed at how easy it was. And I’ve just seen this happen time and time again, where we make it so much harder, because the different outcomes are so become so much bigger and so much more weighted in our minds.

Julie Spira 21:17

And I think happy ending and does but you know, relationship labels, I think they’re more important, generally speaking for women than for men. A guy feels good in the relationship. He sees you every Saturday night. He calls you every day texts you in between, you know, as far as he’s concerned, he’s in a relationship. But if you say, you know, I want to be called girlfriend, I want you to call me your girlfriend when you introduce me. You know, he might not be ready to say that just yet. And so it’s really important to understand that doesn’t mean there’s not a level of commitment if you don’t have a label. Labels aren’t important to everybody. That’s a really good point.

Damona 21:56

Okay, second question of five q fab, Julie. What is the best way to find love.

Julie Spira 22:03

The best way to find love, okay, I’m feeling I know what you’re gonna say. But

Julie Spira 22:09

it’s not because you know, I’ve been doing online dating coaching for 25 years. It’s because I love this new research that came out from Stanford, and University of New Mexico that showed that 39% of singles met through online dating number one, as compared to 20%, who met through friends. Now, everyone tells me I want to meet someone that someone knows and I’d like to meet a friend of a friend, but the numbers double Okay, the closest second is through friends at 20% and almost 40% are meeting through dating apps. So if you’re not using a digital dating strategy, along with going out and being your fabulous self and going to your favorite events and going into your hiking clubs, and whatever you may do, just live your life but have an online and an offline strategy because the number First don’t lie and you’re going to be missing out.

Damona 23:03

Okay, I’m glad you brought up the S word strategy. And you may remember like way back when when we first met and we exchanged business cards, my business card actually said, online dating strategist and people were like, what is that? That sounds super unromantic. I want no part of strategy. But it’s a big part of my philosophy. And I want to know how it is incorporated into your philosophies cyber dating expert.

Julie Spira 23:31

Well, I you know, it’s romantic to call the business love But love is a multi billion dollar business if you I mean, just look at the number of the amount of people are spending on Valentine’s alone. And we’re looking at dating apps, you know, in the billions of swipes and the multi billions of such an enormous industry that that there is a strategy that is very similar to looking for your dream job. And when you’re looking for your dream job and maybe you’ll go on LinkedIn and you Look for a few things. And maybe you’ll go to networking events and you’ll hand out your card or you’ll swap digits or whatever. The fact is, if you get to the point of finally getting a job interview after doing all of this work, to be prepared to look your best to have the best block and resume out there, and you go on an interview, and you don’t get the job, because there’s a 100 other candidates, you go on the next interview, and if you don’t get the job, because there were 200 candidates, you go on the next interview, because you probably need to pay your rent and put food on the table. And so that same strategy, I transfer that to online dating, and if you’ve had three bad dates, you don’t say I’m not going to go on another bad day because I met people that didn’t look like their profile, because you say okay, I want to find love. I’m going to go on the next day and maybe you’ll have a better experience.

Damona 24:52

Hmm, that’s that’s a really good point. And like you I like looking at dating in a way as Your own social experiment, where each time you go out with someone, you’re learning about yourself, you’re iterating you’re improving your dating skills, your dating strategy, and then you’re fine tuning to get closer to what you’re looking for. Can we go a level deeper? Julie? Okay. How can this is the actual third question, how can people change their patterns in love? A lot of our listeners don’t like the path that they’re on right now in love. How can they change their patterns?

Julie Spira 25:33

Well, if you don’t like the path you’re on, you need to hop off that saddle and here’s the problem. We are so used to what is comfortable for us, even if it’s bad for us, therefore, people go after the same type over and over again. And maybe it’s a commitment phobe and then they find another commitment phobe or the down someone that’s just gotten divorced, and then they find someone else who’s newly single and isn’t over their ex yet. And so I think it’s It’s really important to jump out of that comfort circle and date somebody completely different than your last three relationships. Because if you have a type, you know, it’s it’s wired into your brain that this is your type, even if it is bad for you. I mean, if you think about what happens when you bond with someone when you have sex with them, and you know that they’ve, there’s no long term possibilities in that relationship. The next thing you know, they’re on a pedestal, you’re fantasizing about them, you know, the, the hormones are kicking in, and they become better than they really are in real life. So you’ve got to date somebody completely different from your type, and whether they’re shorter or whether they live farther away, or whether, you know, they didn’t have this kind of degree that you thought that you were hoping they would have, whatever it may be, you need to date somebody different and see what it’s like and get uncomfortable for a little bit and give them a couple of chances. Because the Maybe the person who actually would be a great match for you, especially since the other ones didn’t go the distance.

Damona 27:07

We actually one of our questions today is about type. So I’m going to, I’m going to leave a little bit of this for our technically dating segment. But I just want to say also like identifying your type, because I think we tend to look at just what the physical type is. But identifying what is that pattern, right? Like if you, maybe you date people who are wildly different in physical types, but like the, the relationships have all ended the same way or you feel the same way and the relationships. They’re probably some commonalities that you don’t realize are even there if you go back and connect the dots.

Julie Spira 27:47

And I think it’s important to just again, make a list now make it a list that’s, you know, got 100 items on it, but make a list of the most important character traits and this is outside of like, What does someone look like? Life is looks changed, we I mean, looks really changed as you get older. But, but make a list of the type of person you want to be with the type of relationship you want, whether it’s casual, they’re committed, whether you want to be married or not. Whether you want a life partner or travel partner, make a list of all the things that you like to do, and then see if you can find someone that gets part of that list and then give them a shot.

Damona 28:27

Alright, so we’ve been talking about finding that dream match that ideal person that has most of those qualities. What do you think for your, your fourth question for five key fab? What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship? Julie?

Julie Spira 28:44

A strong, long lasting relationship. Number one, without a doubt, trust. If you can’t trust the person you’re with, why are you with them? If you’re agonizing about why they didn’t text you last night, maybe they fell asleep or you and you automatically Well, they’re cheating on you because someone else had, and you’re bringing that baggage to the table, if you’re going to have a situation where eventually they won’t, you know, they will betray your trust. If you keep feeling like you don’t trust that person, trust takes a real long time to build and a split second to lose. And that is a really important thing. So again, for online dating, if you’re taking your profile down, and you say you’re going to be exclusive, don’t say it just because you want to get into bed with this person. Say it because you mean it and you’re going to live it and your words mean everything. And so I can’t tell you that relationships once the trust, you know, has been broken, they can be fixed, but it takes a long time and it takes two committed people really working hard at regaining their trust. So don’t lose it in the first place. be that person who you say you are and if they aren’t, move on.

Damona 29:53

Yes, and that that dovetails into something else that I always wind up coaching my clients on that it’s it’s about getting into the feeling of what it’s like being with that person and sometimes,

Julie Spira 30:09

like if you have trust issues,

Damona 30:11

then you your automatic default is not to trust when you’re with someone new. And the only way to tell if someone is trustworthy is by trusting them and seeing that they’re being consistent. But I find it starts with getting into feeling on the date like how do you feel when you’re with them? Do you feel safe? Do you feel like they are doing what they say they’re going to do? What about for those people that already have the built in issue with trust? Maybe they have been they have been taken advantage of in a prior relationship or been cheated on? How can they learn to trust again so that they can have that long lasting relationship that they want?

Julie Spira 30:57

This is a real issue. This is a real issue because I’ve met people that I’ve worked with, who saw their fathers cheat on their mothers. And therefore, they ended up with boyfriends who cheated on men, and if not what they want it, but for some reason, they repeated this patterns that they grew up with. And so I think, you know, breaking these patterns is clear, clearly the the first step that I see that people need to do, and then how do you do that we have to go back into self love. You have to realize that you know, you are lovable, you are the prize. And whenever someone feels insecure about going on a date, or they feel unhappy in their relationship, and they wish their boyfriend would be more committed, just look in the mirror and go, Hey, he’s lucky to have me, I am the prize. And the more confident you are, the better off you will be in your relationships because a man doesn’t want a needy woman and he doesn’t want an insecure woman and he doesn’t want someone you know, checking up on him and staring at his text messages when he’s taking a nap.

Damona 32:00

So true. Yep, you have to, you have to find that that faith and that courage to to trust again, and I know it takes a lot of work and it takes a lot of time to unravel those, those patterns and even if you saw it as a kid and didn’t experience yourself or you’ve been through it before, it’s not gonna happen overnight. There’s one more question doing for five to fab, whose relationship do you admire and why?

Julie Spira 32:27

Okay, I’m going to name two. Okay. The first one I’m going to say, would be Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. And the reason I say that is because it’s someone that most of us know. And I have admired them for a really long time. They’re both just kind people. They have so much respect for each other. They live their lives as individuals and they live their lives as a couple and they’ve been married for over 30 years. So Hollywood romances are so so difficult, and this is one that you know I give you know, a five star review to because because I just think I’ve been around them and if anyone’s watched them on TV or an award ceremonies, you can just see that they do adore each other. And they do have their independent projects, and they respect each other. So that’s my, my, my Hollywood couple. And outside of that, I’m going to actually add in one more couple, and that is my parents. And I say that with so much love and respect because my parents have been married for 60 years, over 60 years, okay. At my mother met my father when she was a senior in high school. I think she’s the only man she was ever with. And they have been together through thick and thin and they still love and adore each other and they are living, you know, their later years in an adult active retired community where they have this enormous social life and They love their children, they love their grandchildren. And they have it’s still such great role models for me, looking at the love of a share, and that they shared over multiple decades. And I only hope that I get to celebrate a 70th anniversary with them.

Damona 34:16

Well, that’s beautiful Julie, and I’ve seen pictures of them online and they do look so cute. What do you think is the secret to their long lasting relationship?

Julie Spira 34:26

That changes just like every relationship changes decade per decade, you want something different and different decades. At this point? I think the secret to their relationship is they watch TV in separate rooms and watch two different news channels. But But really, I think they have such a companionship, my father sends her a card every year on the anniversary of their first date. And in the end, their first date was on May 7. So he has this little poem that he writes, you know, he’s 91 years old, you still write this poem. Remember the day the seventh of may and it was the day of the first day It was the day one year later that he proposed to her and they became engaged. And so he has these rituals of making sure that my mom My mother is loved, you know, all year long, but they never forget the anniversary of their first day. And I think that’s fabulous. Oh my gosh, it gave me chills.

Julie Spira 35:19

I have no idea when my first day was.

Julie Spira 35:23

Better go look at the calendar.

Damona 35:25

I better go look at the calendar. But yeah, it’s a reminder that those little rituals that seems silly like with Valentine’s Day coming up, people are thinking, How do I make this memorable? And sometimes it’s, it’s the little things it’s sending that card. It’s writing that poem, and even it’s the same poem every year that she knows that that she can count on that and she can count on him is something that’s really inspiring for us this Valentine’s Day. Thank you for sharing. How you liking this five q fab. I want to know what what’s your biggest takeaway from today’s episode. You can tweet me or You can leave a comment on Instagram or message me on Facebook and use the hashtag five q fab. That’s the number five q f Eb. And then we’ll be following and sharing your responses about your big takeaways and aha moments from this month’s episodes. Now she’s answered my questions, but it’s time for her to answer yours in the next segment. By the way, we are always doing technically dating so if you have a question, you can always submit it to me for the show on any social platform at damona Hoffman You can also message me through dates and mates.com or leave me a voicemail at 424-246-6255 Don’t be shy. We love hearing your voice. We’ll put all those links and, and instructions in the show notes. But this show works best when you tell me what is on your mind so that I can give you the dating and relationship advice that you need. And chances are if you’re having a question, there’s someone else listening right now to this podcast, who’s going through the exact same thing that you are feeling right now. So you be brave and ask the question that you need an answer to and you could be helping yourself and others to have the love and relationship that you want this year. We’ll be back right after this with more Julie Spyro. All right, we are here with Julie spire off for our final segment. You have sent in your questions and we are giving you answers and I am passing on your questions to Julie Spyro. Who’s the cyber dating expert. And I hand picked these ones for Julie. So just want to say to anyone that submitted a question I know I’ve I’m I have a few questions in queue from previous weeks. But Julie is an expert in online dating so I wanted to make sure that I gave these specific questions to her. So this one came to us in an email from a woman will call Jay. Julie, she says I’m wondering your thoughts on having a type physically and criteria wise when it comes to picking men on the apps. I feel like When I’m out and about meeting men in the wild, she calls it, there’s a cut, there is conversation and sparks that might lead to attraction outside of your type. The apps feel more like reading resumes looking for alignment in terms of interest, education values and physical attraction. So do I break this pattern? On one hand, I’m worried I might miss someone on the other eye. Should I be setting updates with guys that I don’t that don’t seem interesting or attractive to me? Or am I doing these apps wrong? And then she used the like, hands up. What do you do emoji?

Julie Spira 38:34

Well, I’m doing it wrong. Maybe but maybe not. So I think you should really, my best advice is to look at it as a quantity thing. And how many dates Do you want to go on in a given week? And who in that given week really rises to the top of people you’ve been communicating with, that you think you have enough in common with I’m also a big fan of hopping on the phone. I know what an arcade thing but you Know swapping digits and getting on the phone. Because if you have a phone chemistry with someone, chances are you’re going to have a good experience on the day. But if you’re on the phone with them, and you’re so bored, and you’re like yawning, oh my gosh, I can’t wait for this phone call to end and you take another incoming phone call just to get out of it, then don’t schedule a date because it’s going to be a bomb. And you’re going to it’s going to be a dating disaster. But yes, try and date people that are different than who you dated the week before. And but if you really feel like, Hey, we just have nothing in common. Our backgrounds are so different. I don’t think I can have a good time. What am I going to talk about, then just take a pass because there are so many millions of other people that you could be chatting with. So don’t be too rigid. loosen it up a little bit. But if you really know you’re going to be on a bad date, just don’t go your time is really precious.

Damona 39:56

Yeah. I am all about one Quality, but also you have to get enough quantity in the mix to make those decisions. And this is this is a big problem with dating apps is that I think people forget that they’re using a tool. The dating app is just the tool. It’s not the it’s not the chemistry, it’s not the butterflies, it’s just the means for you to meet the person. That’s the way I look at it. So I’m like, drive to the date, get offline, get to the date, because all those things that she feels when she’s out in the wild, as she says, and she feels those sparks and the chemistry, you probably aren’t going to get them in the same way when you’re swiping right.

Julie Spira 40:37

You’re not and the other problem that you have to be concerned about is the false expectation that you’re in a relationship because you’ve been chatting you know, morning noon and night on on via text or WhatsApp or on the dating app. And all of this chatting and this what I call the digital foreplay. It’s sort of advances your relationship where you think you really know someone and like Dimona said, you don’t know them until you actually can get together in person and see what it’s like to laugh at their jokes and see if you really feel enough to want to go on a second date. Because all first date really is, is the opportunity to decide at the end of the day or the evening, do you want to go out again and pull out your calendars and schedule something so it doesn’t get lost in the Abyss?

Damona 41:21

Yeah, what about this idea of type though, I do want to talk about that. Because I know I I’ve always had a physical type. And I went out with people that were way different from my physical type. But I ended up ultimately with someone who was like, straight down the middle, my exact physical type.

Julie Spira 41:41

Well, you know, you got lucky, I got lucky.

Julie Spira 41:45

Because here’s the thing. I had a physical type and it was really interesting. I and then I ended up at one point marrying somebody who was completely opposite my physical type, and it was a bad choice not because of the physical type, but it was a bad choice, but I was at a point My life were, well, I want to get married, I want to settle down, it’s time. And you know, other boxes got checked off. So I thought it was a good decision. So now I’m back to Well, I have a certain type. And sometimes when you meet someone that’s not your type physically in a photo, first of all the photos you don’t know necessarily that they’re going to resemble what you they look like when you meet them in person, you have to hope for truth and advertising. But if you really know that you have a certain type, and you’re comfortable with that type and you’ve had successful relationships with that type, then stick with that type and just, you know, go outside the box a little bit because you do have to go outside the box.

Damona 42:39

Yeah, and I think sometimes our type is predicated on the experiences that we have, the more that we go out with someone who is 510 and slender, the more we will be attracted the next time to someone who’s 510 and slender, but I think it can be dangerous and especially like I know y’all didn’t Ask about this. But especially when it comes to race, a lot of times people will come to me with a very narrow view of the physical type, the race, the the ethnic background of someone. And I’m like, if you go a level deeper into the values, that person may be completely aligned with you. But you’ve never dated someone who’s African American or Asian, because you just had it in your mind that you date Caucasian men. And we have to sort of shake that up a little bit. If you’re really, if you’re really opening up to finding love.

Julie Spira 43:31

We have to shake it a lot, because there’s so many great people. And I think that I believe in diversity, and I love you know, inclusion and I love such a variety, I would say the 64 colors of crayons in the Crayola crayon box, you know, and I know dimana you’ve talked about the ice cream flavors, but the fact is, there are so many different types of people and if you haven’t had a chance to be with them, you really shouldn’t say they’re not your type because you don’t know exactly

Damona 44:00

Thank you for saying that and making me not the only one saying that because I know you believe it too. We have one more question Julie. This okay this is put a strap your seatbelt on. Because this is this is a this is a big one. Kayla on Twitter says how do I quit online dating? I keep having really bad experiences. I’m called a bitch on a daily basis pardon the language on a daily basis for dating with intention. I’m objectified by creeps with every other message but I feel like I’m longing for a relationship so badly that I can’t bring myself to stop

Julie Spira 44:38

when you’re asking to stop but you don’t want to stop you just want to get rid of the creeps. You know you don’t want somebody sending a dick pic and you don’t want somebody that you know is is calling you a bitch or whatever they want to say because you’re a woman that is strong has strong values and you’re stating your intentions. Keep stating your intentions because you are going to attract someone who’s looking for Exactly what you’re looking for. And as far as these debit guys, you know, swipe left block them, so you don’t have to see them in a search again. And all the tools that these dating apps have right now make it very easy for you to not be bothered by people who are harassing you or make you uncomfortable for any reason.

Damona 45:17

Yeah, I second that definitely use the block and report feature. They take those those complaints very seriously. But what do you think, Julie? If she’s, I mean, I spent a lot of time on dating apps well, online dating before they were dating apps and I but I help my clients with with dating apps every day. I know you’ve done the same for 25 years. I’ve rarely been called a bitch. And I haven’t seen my clients be called a bitch all that often. Do you think there’s something that she’s doing that maybe allowing these guys it or could it be the app that she’s on? Or could it be something about the way that she’s presenting herself, because like, I don’t want her to be getting this abuse every day,

Julie Spira 45:59

right? And also I’ve never gotten many views from that, you know, when I’ve been on dating apps, and I’ve seen for the most part, my clients have all had, you know, good experiences, they just didn’t feel that they had enough in common or there wasn’t a connection, but it didn’t mean they were a bad person. And so I don’t know what kind of messages are being sent out. I’ve seen dating profiles with disclaimers, don’t contact me if this don’t contact me if that I mean, don’t say anything that’s negative, you want people to contact you. So I don’t know what your communications have been. I don’t know what types of dates you want to go on. Some women really would prefer not investing a lot of time and going on coffee dates. There are other women that do not want to go on coffee dates, because they don’t want to be in allowed Starbucks and they’d like to have a quieter like lunch conversation with someone even if it’s over a cup of soup. So I think it’s a question of how are you communicating with these guys, because deep down, they want to connect with someone and you want to connect with someone. You’re obviously not a fit with these people, but there has to be another 80% of guys out there that aren’t You a bitch. That’s hope.

Damona 47:01

Yes Yeah, definitely don’t stand for it. But definitely don’t give up if you really want that relationship keep listening to dates and mates and keep showing up for yourself and setting those boundaries and you’ll find the right one.

Julie Spira 47:14

Julie this has been such

Damona 47:16

a blast talking to you again on data needs.

Julie Spira 47:20

Thank you for having me and Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone and don’t forget you know, gallon times day is the day before Valentine’s Day. So support you know, loving your friendships with your girlfriends ladies. And if you don’t have a Valentine’s date, have a blast on Valentine’s Day.

Damona 47:36

Thank you for reminding us of that. And thank you for being here. You can follow Julie at Julie aspira on Twitter and Instagram we will put the link to her socials in the show notes as well as her link to cyber dating expert calm which is where she gives dating advice. She has a wonderful blog there with lots of great resources and you can sign up there for her free weekly flirt newsletter which will also give you the seven secrets to finding love online. Thanks for being here. Julie. Thank you. Are you feeling overwhelmed by love month and looking for a little bit more support? And then you are the perfect person to become one of my friends with benefits. We are launching a special Patreon program this week in honor of Valentine’s Day. For our listeners who are ready for more. What is Patreon? Patreon is a platform that allows you to support creators like me to keep making helpful content that you want to hear. And it allows you to get amazing listener benefits by participating. Our page is patreon.com slash dates and mates. What will you get if you sign up? Here’s just a few of the benefits. You get access to a private Facebook group where you can chat with me and other listeners of the show. Maybe you’ll make a love connection there. Maybe you’ll get some more advice that you need that’s directed specifically towards you. You’ll also have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions. These will be live these will be video and Phone chats that you’ll be able to participate directly with me so you can get the support that you need in love. And you’ll also get access to behind the scenes content from our nearly 300 episodes of dates and mates.

Julie Spira 49:13

And for my really, really special

Damona 49:14

top tier VIP, Fw B’s, you can even get a dating profile analysis, with tips tailored just for you on how to make a magnetic profile that draws just the right kind of dates into you. The Patreon is live now@patreon.com, slash dates and mates. And don’t worry if you’ve never used Patreon before, if you just click the link in the show notes, we will walk you through all of the different tiers and what you get and make it really easy for you to become a part of the community. And by the way, we also have a special bonus for anyone who signs up at the lover or VIP level through the month of February. You’ll also get a free autographed copy of my book, but only if you sign up now before March 1. That’s a special benefit for the lover or VIP level. So you can go to patreon.com slash dates and mates to see which tier is right for you. And I look forward to supporting you on a deeper level and inviting you inside the community as one of my friends with benefits. I hope you enjoyed Episode 296 of dates and mates again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials. I want to hear your love questions. And I want you to join me again next week when I will have Bella Gandhi who will be doing the five q fab thing with us. Until next week, I wish you Happy Valentine’s Day and happy dating

Being Intimidating & Taboo Topics: Love Month Part 1

VALENTINE’S DAY IS ALMOST HERE!

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We’ve been listening to the questions that you all have sent for Technically Dating and hearing the challenges that the media has asked me to comment on lately and devised the top 5 question about the state of romance today.

So each week in February you’ll hear me with a different love expert giving their unique perspective to the same big love dilemmas – I’m calling this series 5 Question February.

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This week, we’re joined by the FABULOUS Francesca Hogi!

Franny is a love and life coach for extraordinary people who happen to be single. She is a Match and Today Show love expert, and has been featured in multiple national publications such as Harper’s Bazaar, Marie Claire and Mens Health.

Fun Fact: she was also a contestant on two seasons of the CBS reality show Survivor. Francesca is the co-host of the podcast Romantical and the host of the podcast Dear Franny.

She’s here to give you the no nonsense answers that you need to hear.

More on that later, first we have headlines!

DATING DISH

Is A$AP Rihanna’s rebound?

Rihanna may have found love in a hopeless place, or at least a rebound.

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The MOST TABOO Topic on dates

Seriously people, don’t talk about your breakups. It ain’t cute.

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Your guide to swipe safety this month

Are swipe apps really that dangerous?

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#5QFeb (14:60)

Damona asks Franny the 5 MOST IMPORTANT dating questions of our time:

What is the biggest challenge for daters today?
What is the best way to find love?
How can people change their patterns in love?
What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship?
Whose relationship do you admire and why?

TECHNICALLY DATING

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG – I’m a 46 year old divorcee. Should I pay for a dating app to get better results? I’ve been doing free apps and drawing blanks.
I’m a single mom by choice and I have newborn twins. When and how can I date?

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:17

Welcome to dates invades your dating and relationships source for swipe season, Valentine’s Day divorcement and everything else that you need help navigating right now. It’s February and you know what that means Valentine’s Day is upon us and to celebrate the month of love. I’ll be doing something special. We have four of the top prior guests love experts from dates and mates who will be joining me for the next four weeks of episodes. I’ve been listening to the questions that you all have sent for technically dating and hearing the challenges that the media has asked me to comment on lately and devise the top four questions about the state of romance today. So each week in February, you’ll hear me with a different love expert giving their unique perspective on the same Big Love dilemmas. I’m calling this series for question February. But first I’m going to introduce my guest co host for today. Francesca hoagie is a love and life coach for extraordinary people who happen to be single. She’s a match and today’s show love expert and she’s been featured in multiple national publications such as Harper’s Bazaar Marie Claire, and men’s health funfact. She was also on two seasons of the CBS reality show survivor, and now she’s the co host of the podcast romantical and she has a new podcast called dear frannie. Let’s give big smooches to Francesca hoagie. Hey, welcome back to the show. Thank you for having me.

Franny 1:41

damona I love being here. I love having

Damona 1:43

you and I’m so excited for this month of love with you. And to cover these headlines including riana may have found love in a hopeless place, or at least a rebound. And the most absolutely most taboo topic on dates. will tell you what that is plus will give you the latest news on Swype safety for this year’s season of love. And then we’ll answer your questions including do paid dating apps yield better results. And how can you date if you’re a single mom with newborn twins?

Franny 2:17

With great difficulty?

Damona 2:20

Ready to do this? I’m so ready. Let’s do this. These dating dish, according to Page Six, riana and ASAP Rocky are reportedly dating. Now if you are late to the news, she was dating billionaire. That’s with a B, that’s gonna be a beautiful billionaire. Double be a son Jamil. I mean, let me tell you this man. This man had it together but it didn’t seem to work out for them. According to sources, they said that they just were living different lives and it just didn’t work. So

Franny 2:53

people, they don’t buy you happiness. Well, I mean, they can buy you some a lot of things that can make you happy.

Franny 2:59

True. That’s true. That’s true. But you need some other things too. But maybe ASAP Rocky has those things.

Franny 3:05

Hopefully, actually, I think that first celebrities and you know, even though that guy is a billionaire, and he has a high public profile celebrities, and he’s beautiful, and he’s beautiful, it’s easier for celebrities to date other celebrities. And in general, sure,

Franny 3:19

because there is Liberty

Franny 3:20

because their lives are just so bizarre. And right, they just have a whole set of concerns that they have to deal with that. I don’t I think it’s hard for a non famous person to understand what it’s like to have to navigate both a relationship which can be obviously very challenging in even if you’re the most anonymous people in the world, you know, and then add on top of the fact that every move you make is being documented and speculated on and Oh yeah,

Damona 3:47

people saw this they saw they were sharing a hotel suite in New York together. And just to your point about celebrities dating celebrities, ASAP Rocky has had quite a history of famous exes. He was with candled For a couple years, he was with Rita Ora, Iggy Azalea. He’s been linked to riana before there was this whole thing about him grabbing her button public a few years ago. scandalous, scandalous. But here’s the thing. She heard her sources people close to her saying like, Look, she just got out of this serious relationship. It’s just a rebound. She’s saying she’s trying to be single. She’s not looking for a serious relationship right now. Like Yeah, oh, girl can’t even

Franny 4:28

lurking and being like, What are you guys doing in the suite together? I am. So

Franny 4:32

I, you know, there’s there’s obviously benefits to being famous. But there’s so many drawbacks. And this is one of them. Like, you can’t just like hang out with your ex and like, get a little nookie. without, you know, strangers sitting around talking about it and speculating on it.

Damona 4:47

That’s true. Just like we’re doing right now. Exactly. But I hope I hope she really finds love because I think she deserves it. And she’s had a rough go of it.

Franny 4:54

Yeah, it’s hard. She’s such a boss, and she’s so busy. She’s juggling so many things. And I mean, think of like the confidence level A man has to have to be able to be with a woman who is like such a superstar. And then you add on top of just the time factor, like how do they make time for a relationship? You know? So there’s a lot of challenges there for

Damona 5:16

a lot of our superstar ladies that are listening to this, this podcast that may be thinking, it’s really hard for me to find a match, like one element is sometimes it is intimidating when you have everything together. The guys that don’t approach you are the ones that don’t feel like they can handle all that. Yeah, so maybe that kind of rejection is not such a bad thing. And you should save yourself for Yeah, great term match.

Franny 5:40

Oh, yeah. Anyone who’s intimidated by you is not for you. So he doesn’t have the competence, you know, but I do think that as women who might be perceived as being intimidating, it is worth thinking about. Okay, am I leading too much with my accomplishments, am I leading too much with it? And I don’t mean to say like, I want to be really clear about this, I don’t mean to dumb yourself down or pretend like, Oh, I just have a little company. And you

Franny 6:09

know, I’m not saying that, but

Franny 6:10

I think even just in your interactions with people, like most people go on dates, and they talk about their jobs, right? Which is like, generally like not, it’s not right for romance, right? Like, it’s not right for like connection. And I’ve seen this with women who they feel that men are intimidated by them by their sex because of their success. But then they also when they meet men, it’s kind of like they’re using their success as a little bit of a crutch, and they’re leaning into it as a kind of a thing to puff them up. And I don’t know, I think it’s kind of a subconscious thing that we can do sometimes. So

Damona 6:42

well, it’s what’s giving you love back. So the thing that you’re successful at is the thing that’s giving you that that feedback and making you feel successful. So you then you lean into that when you’re on the dates and then you talk more about those things. But that’s not how that’s not how women really are meant to attract men. That’s not attractive to men that’s attractive to women who are looking for providers. And we’re talking about traditional gender roles. But I’m curious, as we were going through these headlines, what you should definitely not talk about on first dates. And there was an article in elite daily that talked about those who discussed breakups. Yeah, on first dates. I hear this all the time, too.

Franny 7:25

Yeah. My feeling.

Damona 7:26

My feeling is if you’re talking about a breakup on a first date, your first date is not going well.

Franny 7:33

I agree. I don’t think it’s a good sign. We’re talking about breakups. Also just talking about not even like necessarily breakups, like you were in a relationship, just talking about how dating is going on the app and like, Oh, my God, yeah. So last week, I went on this date with this guy. I’m like, what, you know, why are you talking about that on your day, right? Yeah, no way I’m all about I really, really encourage people to set an intention when you go on a date, and put your Like setting an intention to, you know, see if you can spark a connection with that other person to just set an intention to just be present in that moment, share something of yourself, learn something new, just something that’s going to keep you really focused on the other person and the connection that you might be able to build because a lot of people go on dates and they feel like, oh, there was no spark. But then if you break down, what would you talk about? You talked about work you bring you talked about your ex, he talks about where you grew up, okay. Like where you went to school? Like, I mean, that’s not, that’s not that’s not I think you can do better.

Damona 8:34

Yeah. And I feel that, of course, there are people that are going to be boring on dates that are going to be uncomfortable on dates that aren’t going to really inspire you, but it’s ultimately your responsibility to to take the conversation where you want it to go. Agreed. And if you are saying, Well, that was a boring day. Well, you were boring, some responsible Yeah, yeah. Making it boring yourself.

Franny 8:56

Yeah. And if it means you have to think about questions ahead of time to Ask if it means like when you when you start talking about work, or you know, your date starts talking about work, you know, instead of asking them 20 questions about their boring accounting job that you don’t have any interest in, and they probably hate anyway, right? You know, say like, well, if you’re going to talk about work, you know, what do you love about what you do? Or if you could do anything, what would it be? Or what do you want to be when you were a kid, like just something to, you know, have it be something that’s more about what they care about and their values and what they dream of, you know, just there’s ways to hibbett conversation so that you’re going to a more a place that’s more likely to yield some real connection.

Damona 9:36

I really love those tips and remembering that you, you can pivot, you don’t have to stay on track track that is leading you to a boring conversation, and you can do it gently.

Franny 9:48

You don’t have to be like, let’s not talk about this anymore. This is boring. Don’t say that. Right? Like you can do it really gently. It’s a skill, but it’s a skill that you can develop and it’s it’s worth it’s worth it’s worth developing.

Damona 9:58

Yeah, and you you really could change any conversation topic at any point just by leaning in and be like, you know what I’m really curious about. And then the other person will lean in and be like, Oh, yeah, body language and be like, well, I want to know what you’re curious about. Yes. And I love that so great. What did you dream of when you were a kid?

Franny 10:16

which wouldn’t be what did you want to be when you were a little kid? Yeah. I’m

Damona 10:21

queen or princess. Initially, and then I wanted to be an architect. I’m really into historic homes and, and design. And then I took drafting one on one and almost flunked out of high school. I’m really more interested in cheerleading. So I had to find something else to do with my life. Yeah. What about you? I wasn’t

Franny 10:44

really a kid who had any strong sense of what I wanted to be when I grew up. But I do remember after I saw the movie, Wall Street, I wanted to be a corporate raider. No, really an actor I saw Top Gun I wanted to be a fighter pilot. Very briefly. I don’t know what this reveals about my person.

Damona 11:00

You are inspired by the things you see.

Franny 11:02

I guess what I think I think I was inspired by I don’t know, power.

Franny 11:07

alarming, but um, yeah, I never really knew I never really knew

Damona 11:10

while we’re, while we’re talking about power, the transfer of power. A lot of times with dating apps people tell me that they’re afraid of something happening to them. They’re afraid of dating safety, like people that are hungry for power that might take advantage of them. And there were some new features that Tinder rolled out to address this concern. They announced that they’re, they’re now using a panic button, you have to download a an additional app to get this. And here’s the catch that app actually sends data it shares your data with its your location. So they it’s the same technology that you that Uber uses, okay, it’s sharing your location with Facebook and a bunch of other apps and other data that you don’t necessarily have control over. Yeah, but I digress. It can alert the authorities if you are uncomfortable on a date.

Franny 12:08

And then they all said also just use you have in the future if anyone has an iPhone and probably Android has the same feature you have there’s an emergency. You know, if you hit that side button

Damona 12:20

I sit down. Yeah,

Franny 12:20

I think Megan emerge. I think everyone has probably accidentally done this and you’re like, Oh, God.

Franny 12:27

But dial but dial but yeah, you know, I think it’s good. It’s me.

Franny 12:30

Well, you think that people?

Franny 12:33

I don’t know if it’s necessary. Okay. I’ll tell you. I do think that, you know, Tinder in particular has has that reputation like, Oh, you can’t go on Tinder. Like, you know, it’s just for hookups. And there’s, you know, people looking to abduct you or you know, but I think that

Franny 12:49

so we hear those stories. I mean, we hear those stories, but we hear like

Franny 12:54

I don’t know, six of those stories a year

Damona 12:57

and look at how many people are date and

Franny 12:58

look at how many times 10s of millions of people are on Tinder. So it is a very, very, very, very uncommon occurrence. So obviously, you want to be smart, and their ways to be smart. And I find that generally when you’re actually paying attention, and you’re not, you know, maybe kind of ignoring things or hoping against hope because like, well, this person, their pictures are really great. So I just want to meet them, and you’re not, you know, you’re, you’re maybe ignoring some signs that there’s something a little off, or, you know, maybe they’re pressuring you, or they’re like, they want to meet really quickly, you know, or just things ideal, either something’s off, you know, or like, they’re insisting that they pick you up or you mean, like, just things like, just don’t, you know, it’s, it’s just important to be smart. And make sure when you’re, I don’t care which app you’re on, you know, you don’t know this person. And even if you meet somebody, you know, and you can meet somebody in church who turns out to be, you know, not a good person, right? So you just have to just exercise that common sense. We meet in a in a public place and place you feel comfortable. Be you know have your own transportation. Right. So you’re not relying on a stranger to pick you up or take you home. You know,

Damona 14:12

so and that’s like meeting someone. And in any, in any setting Yeah, yeah, you don’t know them. They’re not checked out by, in fact, actually there was I went out with somebody that I met at a party through a friend and I was still like, something’s off about this guy. Even even then you don’t even know. Yeah, you don’t say don’t know, just be seeing this feature. They also added a photo Vera verification feature. That’s cool.

Franny 14:37

That’s great. Yeah, so it’s already.

Damona 14:40

Yeah, it’s using AI and then like, trusted people internally, to make sure that you are who you say you are. Yeah. Do we need that or is catfishing that much of a problem?

Franny 14:51

I mean, I don’t think similar to the safety issue. catfishing is a problem but it’s usually whenever somebody has been captured When you look back, and you kind of look back at the messages, you look back at the profile, it’s not that hard to spot. Yeah, it’s really like, I mean, if you’re looking at somebody, and their profile is just like, oh my god, this is the most gorgeous person I’ve ever seen. And these model photos and like, you know, and things are looking, he was in the Navy, and like, you know, like, it’s just like, you know, it, you could do like a river. If you if you’re suspicious, you could do a reverse reverse image search, you know, in Google, you can take a picture from the app, and you can put it into Google and you can see where else it comes up. So usually the cat pictures they’re using stock photos or they’re using photos from you know, that are appearing lots of other places that you’re like, Oh, wait, this isn’t the same person

Damona 15:40

and we want to believe the fantasy don’t mean frannie like want to believe Haha, yeah, this idea of the person, like so many times people right into the show, and they’re like, I am in love. I fell in love with this person. In fact, I just posted on my Instagram today that I don’t believe in it. In love at first sight. It’s a myth and somebody said, Well, maybe you just haven’t experienced it, huh? No. You don’t know that person. Right? I mean, you don’t know that person. You tell them

Franny 16:09

you don’t know them. You don’t you? You? Well, that’s kind of a philosophical question. What

Franny 16:15

is love?

Franny 16:16

Love Is it can choose a lot. But I mean, yes, obviously when most people when they’re thinking it’s love at first sight, it’s just it’s lost its luster first. It’s chemistry. It’s Oh my god, this is finally the kind of person that I’m looking for. But you know, one big solution to catfishing is just meet them, meet them in person, right? Just meet them in person, because the person who has a million excuses why they can’t meet and oh, and I’m out of town and this and that, and it’s adding up. It’s like the you know, it’s pretty obvious if your gut is telling you it’s

Damona 16:47

probably Lissa. What it Yes, yeah. And I think there’s a bigger issue of people not necessarily stealing other people’s photos. I know that is happening, but it’s more just people having false advertising. editing photos, which we announced a couple weeks ago Bumble is cutting down down on and and taking those photos off. But it’s more people just using old photos. Yeah, it’s always advertising or just not looking like themselves when you meet or just not being attractive to you like you can look at someone’s picture. I don’t know how many online dates I went on where I was like, oh, that person looks really hot. And you’re like, Oh, I just don’t feel it. I don’t feel

Franny 17:26

it Are you are you were like, Oh, you can see it’s not a catfish. It’s like, Oh, this is you. But this is the best picture you have ever taken in your life.

Franny 17:36

We’ve all done it. We’ve all

Franny 17:38

done it. So I think if there’s anything that’s feeling off about someone’s profile, just ask yourself, if these photos weren’t as good if this person didn’t look as hot, or they didn’t have this job, or there’s something that I’m like really, really looking for would I still be excusing or ignoring an intuition that I have? And you know, just check in with yourself because it’s usually it’s because the people who are out there to deceive people, they know what to do they know the profile to put together, they know how to make themselves look so irresistible. They’re experts at it. They’re experts at it. So it’s like if somebody seems like really too good to be true, and then there’s something off about the communication and they’re not you know, trying to meet you in person are there you know, there’s something shady going on there just you gotta you gotta listen to your instincts and use your common sense and just say it’s, it’s a leap of faith to say, the person who was right for me is out there and I don’t have to waste my time hoping against hope with somebody who’s showing me already that there’s something not right here.

Damona 18:38

Yes, you have to keep the faith. Love is out there for you. We will give you more hope later in this episode, and we’re doing this fun. Five question February. So when we come back, Franny is going to answer my five questions about the state of love relationships and romance. Today, so stick around.

Franny 19:03

We are back with frannie. She hosts the dear frannie podcast and she has been a go to expert in media for years. So I know that she can tackle these big issues for five question February. And I’m really excited to hear these questions because I Can I just tell everyone, yeah, that you offered to show me the questions ahead of time. I said, No, don’t show me at a time. I just want to freestyle it. So let’s go.

Damona 19:28

She’s not good. She can answer these questions on the fly. We’ll see. Okay, Francesca hoagie. What is the biggest challenge for traders today? Ooh,

Franny 19:39

gosh, that’s a big question.

Franny 19:40

I told you. Yeah.

Damona 19:42

I know you can handle I can handle it. And you can break it down into chunks. Yeah, yeah. One question that you always Yeah. here from Pete.

Franny 19:50

Um, I would say, Okay, well, there’s probably two things that initially comes to mind. One of the biggest challenges is that we have so much cultural messaging conditioning around romance that’s so terrible. And I’m talking about like the fairy tale industrial complex. And you know, there’s one perfect person and you’re going to know as soon as you see them. And as soon as you meet that perfect person, everything’s going to fall into place. And you’re either lucky in love Are you aren’t. So I think that kind of mindset that people have about romance in general is a huge, huge, huge obstacle to love and real connection. So there’s that. But then there’s also because of dating apps, and because of the proliferation of online dating, people have this sense that they have infinite choice. And it becomes this illusion that oh, well, I there’s something one little thing I don’t like about someone, I’ll just keep going because I’ll find that perfect person. So they’re related, right? It’s this idea that you’re going to know right away, and the person is going to be perfect, and then everything is going to fall into place. And just know that even though there are millions and millions of people on dating apps, all of those people are not Actually options for you, right? And not all of those people. You most people overestimate their ability to determine who is and who isn’t compatible for them, like in a very short amount of time. So people are very quick to dismiss someone because they’re like, Oh, no, like, Oh, I only want somebody who’s, you know, six too early, six feet tall, or like, you know, or just like, oh, like, he seems too nerdy. And I need somebody who’s that, you know, just all of these little things that I should. I’m going to quote another expert here. Michelle Jacoby, who I interviewed recently for my podcast, and she said something I was like, Oh, my God, this is so good. And she, she was talking about how she was in DC. And she was on a corner and she saw this father and daughter and they were just having this really lovely father daughter moment. And she was like, Oh, my God, that’s so sweet. Like, Oh, look at that bother. He really loves his daughter. It’s so sweet. And then she thought I was I was single, what would I think looking at that guy? And she said, Oh, I think well, he doesn’t really dress that well. He’s kind of dorky and, and it was like all this stuff. And then She realized that, you know, it’s like the opposite of beer goggles, like we put on these dating goggles. And when you have your dating goggles on, and you’re always looking for what’s wrong, and you’re always picking people apart, and I just think that’s so wise and so true. So I don’t I think maybe I’m going on a tangent, maybe I should have gotten these questions ahead of time.

Franny 22:20

But I think, you know, people,

Franny 22:23

people, and especially people who could should really kind of know better because they can look at their own dating history and their own dating success to kind of know, like, Oh, I’m maybe not as good at this as I think I am. Like, maybe I’m not as good at picking partners as I think I am. Maybe I’m not as good as making a snap decision about who is and who isn’t right for me. But oftentimes, people just want what they want. And they don’t stop to think like, Oh, well, why do I want that? And is that important? And what am I bringing to the table and, you know, what is the relationship I want to have and the people that I’m focusing on, are they even capable of being the kind of partner that I’m looking for? So

Damona 22:57

I want to break this down a little bit because I I hear a lot. You I’m sure you get this to clients will come to me and they’ll say, well, I’ve been looking but I’m just really picky. Yes. When you hear I’m really picky. Yeah. What do you say to that?

Franny 23:13

I, I think that Okay, first of all, I should be, I should just want to say that, obviously, you should be selective about who you,

Damona 23:20

you know, have a relationship with. I mean, I, when I was dating, I was just not picking. Like you’re

Franny 23:28

I just and I only say that because I think that sometimes when people hear, you know, dating experts, or coaches like us to say, like, you know, talk kind of criticize people for being overly picky, they’re like, Well, you know, you just want me to date some loser, just, you know, and it’s like, No, I don’t, I don’t want you to date somebody who isn’t a great fit for you. I don’t want you to date somebody who or be in a relationship with somebody, get into a relationship with someone unless you’re excited to be in a relationship and you have attraction and all those you know, so let’s I want to say that for anybody who’s like, shutting down here, stay with us. Stay with us. But when I hear I’m just really picky, that tells me that there is a vulnerability challenge and that they’re hiding behind a lot of pickiness in order to avoid having to, like be truly intimate with someone.

Franny 24:16

Turn it off you guys.

Franny 24:18

That’s my first indication. Yeah. And then sometimes people just really, I think, in dating, we’re so focused on this list of like, Okay, this person has these, all these trades, and you can have 1000 things on that list. But a, you need to go through all of those things and make sure that they actually have to do with your relationship with that person, which most of them don’t, right. And you have to make sure and then you have to be able to prioritize what those things are, right? Because you can have 1000 things but if you’re looking for them all in one person, that’s not a person that’s a unicorn, that’s a fantasy. So it’s about really understanding what are the most foundational things for you and really starting to sort from that place which makes A lot easier.

Damona 25:08

And then let’s go into this Paradox of Choice because I hear this a lot in the media actually, that there are so many options today. Nobody wants to make any choices. And so then people are just choosing.

Franny 25:21

Yeah, I’m not choosing anyone, right? Or most people in dating apps don’t even go on a date. So I’m sure you are familiar with that statistic. That’s

Damona 25:27

a that is real. In my experience as a dating coach, my clients end up making selections. So I’m wondering what is different is it you think it’s just when you get to the point of you’re like, I need support with this, I’m going to hire a dating coach. And then we talk through the questions like, why am I not seeing with my clients this Paradox of Choice happening? Yeah, instead with my clients. They’ll work with me for three or four weeks and then they’re like, Oh my gosh, I already met somebody that I really like this be it Should I date other people? I mean, this has literally happened to the last clients that I had there. Like, should I stop now? I mean, should there should there maybe there’s somebody better out there but I don’t know this person seems pretty great. Yeah,

Franny 26:12

well that well that’s because your clients and my clients are coming to us because they’re actually ready. And they’re and they’re open to listening. And I mean, I think for me, my clients same thing, they get to that place really quickly and it’s because once I say you can’t look at a dating app profile can’t look at a little two inch photo and you know 100 character bio and think you are able to determine whether or not you can be in a relationship with this person.

Damona 26:39

So love at first sight is a myth and

Franny 26:43

anyways,

Franny 26:46

but so I think once you understand that, the purpose of swiping right on someone the purpose of going on a first date with someone is not that you’ve already decided that yes, this is a person I can see myself with forever. That’s too high of a bar is too unrealistic of a bar, and you will, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment with that bar. So I think for me, when I explain to my clients like, you know, when you’re looking at a profile, you’re just trying to decide like, Can I talk to this person for 10 minutes, because most of those people that that you match with, it’s never it’s not going to go beyond that 10 minutes, a lot of people it’s going to, you know, you’ll make your decision here. I mean, a lot of people, first of all response rates are not 100%. For anyone show, you’re never even not even all going to turn into conversations. A lot of those people are going to take themselves out of the running, because they’re going to you’re being open and then they’re going to say something or like, and now I’m closed. You know, they’re going to take themselves out of the running or they’re not serious about meeting or you know, all these things. So when we point that out to our clients, and we teach them like this is a tool This is not like a crystal ball, right? This is a tool and you have to use it like a tool. In this year. Success on this platform is going to be based on your strategy and your approach. And the decisions that you make, and you know, people are paying us money because they’re ready to meet someone. So they’re ready to hear that. Yeah, but the average date or, you know, the average data online never goes on a date. And that’s so true. And it’s not because they’re not millions of options, right?

Damona 28:14

Just to add one more thing about love at first sight. When I first saw my profile, I actually did say, Oh, my God, where have you been? And I did, I was in love at first sight. But I was in love at first sight, probably 20 other times. Oh, yeah. just so happened that time really does love. Yeah, that’s why even though

Franny 28:37

my mother says she, my father at first sight, they met IRL back in the day. Sure. But and she said she she walked she saw him walking across the room and she said she fell in love with him the first night for that even spoken to each other.

Damona 28:49

But that’s happened to me too. And then it didn’t work out, you know? Yeah, no. question. Question one. Oh, my God. The second question. What do you think the Best way to find love is today.

Franny 29:02

Hmm, I think the best, most important way to find love is to make sure that you have a love mindset that is conducive to it. And then honestly, it’s irrelevant like which app you’re on and all because it’ll be. It’s making its taking chance out of it and making it in evitt. In inevitability. I can’t say that word in every city.

Damona 29:21

Okay, you said it yesterday. Do you think that people can meet offline now?

Franny 29:27

Absolutely. Of course they can. Every time you leave your house, you have the potential to meet someone special. I met my boyfriend on the street,

Franny 29:33

just on the streets walking home. Come on.

Franny 29:36

I’ve met I’ve dated so many guys that I’ve met just out in the world, but it’s because I have an attitude. And I had had that attitude for a long time, which is that every time I leave my house, I have the potential to meet someone special and I believe that that’s your mantra. That’s my mantra. So like, why not

Damona 29:52

wait but when you met him, are you looking down at your phone and I

Franny 29:56

wasn’t looking along. I was not looking down at my phone. I was rushing because I was trying to make the lights across the street.

Franny 30:04

I don’t have time, but sometimes we do that though. Yeah. Wait, what happened?

Franny 30:08

So what happened was, um, he was with his brother. And we had all been in a screening a few blocks away and his brother recognized me from the screening. So as I was rushing by his brother said, Oh, hey, how’d you like the movie? And I was like, oh, oh, you guys were in there, too. Yeah. So then I so then I laid my panic button. So then I missed the light because I stopped to talk to them. But then I didn’t fall in love at first sight. But I did have this intuition. Once I started talking to my boyfriend. I did have this intuition. Just feel like I’m supposed to keep talking to this guy. I just feel like I’m supposed to keep talking to him. I did that came to my they came to me like very clearly.

Franny 30:45

Yeah, yeah, that’s different than love it first.

Franny 30:48

Yeah. I didn’t say that. I had fallen in love at first sight. I’m just saying I’m not gonna rule out the possibility that it can happen. It can happen and it does happen to you and my mother. At least

Damona 31:00

I see I’m still not buying it.

Franny 31:01

Okay, we don’t have to talk about.

Damona 31:03

It took time for me to, to actually know him and love him.

Franny 31:09

It took time for you to decide that this is a person that you were going to choose to love.

Franny 31:14

Yes. Okay.

Franny 31:18

Next time that takes is no kids.

Damona 31:20

Okay, as we were talking about these mindset and beliefs. The third question is how can people change their patterns in love?

Franny 31:29

Okay, well, the first thing is even recognize that you have a pattern, because a lot of people don’t see their patterns, or they believe that their patterns are just happening to them. So once you understand that you are the common denominator and your pattern, everyone has one, even if you don’t date at all, that’s still a pattern, right? So even if your if your pattern is you only get like mad crushes on unavailable people. That’s a pattern right? So everyone has a pattern. So when you see that they’re like, and then you You start to understand, oh, even if it’s happening on a subconscious level, like I am pulling the strings here. So when you that, like, I swear, that’s half the battle of just just identifying it. And then if you commit to it, then you can start to say, all right, well, if there’s some, if I’m doing this, how can I start to what can I start to do differently? Like, why am I drawn to people who aren’t into me? You know, why do I have a belief that people are cheaters? And if that because if I really believe that if you really believe that everybody is going to cheat, you’re going to always be attracted to cheaters. Sure. It’s amazing how this works. These beliefs are like, they are like, set it and forget it. So

Damona 32:40

I’m curious about something you said earlier, when you met your boyfriend and you trusted your intuition and we talked about this. Yeah, we went deep on the dear frannie podcast, and I talked about my own experience with intuition and teaching people how to how to tap into here and here it yep. We have so much chatter down there that sometimes you can’t even hear the intuition. Yes. So is that an element

Franny 33:08

of it, it is an element of it. There’s, if you if you really, if you start to really understand that we are co creators in all of our relationships, like, and, you know, it’s, it’s empowering really like, you know, this isn’t just happening to you, you’re not a victim. Right? And so, you may have had some experiences and some programming that happened that made you think that this is how relationships have to be. And in your mind, you think that you know, to be with somebody who say, doesn’t value you or doesn’t respect you, if there’s some belief there that that’s quote unquote, safe, because that’s what you’re used to. And that’s the message that you got at a young age or, you know, some traumatic experience. Then when you understand that, then it’s like, Okay, I need to go deeper in myself. Make sure that what I believe is possible for me is what I actually want. Because so many people are out here, they’re looking for love, and they’re looking for connection, and they’re looking for partnership, but they don’t really believe that they can have it. And if you don’t believe you can have it, you’re going to make yourself right about what you believe. And it’s, it’s so it’s really important to understand that so obviously, it’s a longer process. And you know, I know you have a process where you work with your clients through this, I have a process where I work with my clients through this, but honestly, the first step is just recognizing that you have a pattern and that you are pulling the strings and then to become determined to like get curious and figure out okay, why am I doing that and how can I stop?

Franny 34:37

It doesn’t take long right? We

Franny 34:38

can do you know, I’m sure you can do this. I’m sure you can help your clients work through this and like a couple of sessions.

Damona 34:43

Well, yeah, I’m I’m interested in you said when you’re identifying that, that pattern, that it’s like you said you can people can self sabotage like you can still be acting like You deserve love and you want love. Then you self sabotage like, how do you know that that’s happening for you? So you identify Yeah, where that that block is because you’re like, I’m doing all the things like this is what I hear a lot from our listeners. I’m on all of the apps. I’m meeting people out I did my profile makeover. I did my personal makeover. I did my wrote a letter to my family. Yeah, and process that. And yet, I’m still getting this. Yeah.

Franny 35:32

So it’s important to understand that

Franny 35:36

the beliefs like the true beliefs that are really like what’s pulling the strings here, this, this resides on a subconscious level. So if I ask anyone, and I asked people this all the time, you know, like, I have myself a formula and you know, I work my clients through that and part of it is self worth. That’s a huge part. And every single person I asked, Do you believe that you are truly worthy of having the love the commitment, the intimacy, the fulfilling relationship that you’re looking for? Everyone’s like yes, instantly. Instant. Yes, hell yes. Everyone says yes. I’m like, Okay, great. I’m going to ask you the question again. And this time, I want you to take a deep breath. And I want you to close your eyes. And know that your brain is going to say yes. And we want to confirm with whatever comes up in your body that is a real Yes. And then just sit for a moment, just sit with that question for a moment and see what happens in your body. And 99% of the time, they’re like, Oh, actually, I got this, like, pit in my stomach, or this tightness in my chest. Or, you know, I had a client recently described it as they felt this heaviness or like, so there’s, like, our emotions, really, in our subconscious speaks to us through our bodies, which is why like getting into your body and having body awareness is actually like, it’s actually important. If you have you know, a lot of subconscious believes that it’s just important to check in. It’s just a check in because hey, if you ask yourself the question and your heart swells, and you feel relaxed and excited and you get that like juicy, warm feeling, then that’s a Amazing, you’re on the right track, right? But if it is anything less than that, you just want to check in with that and just say, Okay, if there is something in me that believes that I’m not worthy of having this, for whatever reason, don’t judge it just like, for whatever reason, then if I did believe I was worthy, what would I do right now? And just keep checking in with yourself just trying to like change your choice, just how would that change your choices and just it’s like, it’s just sort of starting to retrain yourself to understand that your logical brain is not the only thing that’s driving the train here. And so you’ve got to go a little deeper.

Damona 37:37

Okay, I’m gonna give everyone like a secret advance. Notice that we’re going to be doing a workshop together. Yes, doing some of this mind body spirit connection in love. So it’s a little ways off. Yes, we will announce it when the time is right when the Registration is open, but if you like what what Franny is talking about, you’re going to go home. More when you work with us in person in May. Okay, there’s more questions. What are the elements of a strong, long lasting relationship? Oh, beautiful

Franny 38:11

acceptance of yourself and the other person true vulnerability. So that’s really the risk, the ability to risk pain, right of opening yourself up and really going deep with another person, letting them see who you really are seeing who they really are. That’s the hardest part for me. I mean, I think, I think that vulnerability, like true vulnerability is often the last love block to fall for people. And they got like, so much they’ve worked on the belief they’ve worked on, you know, the acceptance they’ve worked on, you know, putting themselves out there, they work on all these things, but that vulnerability piece isn’t quite there. And so that’s why, you know, they keep on kind of bumping up against a pattern that’s like not serving them. I say that a lot. So acceptance, vulnerability. shared that values, yes, dancing, that’s really important. And I ended beyond values also just like a shared vision of your life, you know, like, what’s the kind of life that you want to lead, because, you know, if you are somebody who knows that you want to get married, and you want to have three kids, and you are continually dating people who are like, I don’t know, actually, I want my freedom, and I want to do this, and I want to do that, and I want to spend every weekend, I don’t know, campaign or, you know, like, you know, whatever it is, like you have to just understand, like, you know, you can do what many people have done throughout history, which is kind of force a square peg into a round hole. But you know, that’s not going to be a very fulfilling relationship. So

Damona 39:43

yeah, and I think this is such a great time right now where you have the ability to choose Yeah, yeah, go a different way or to not need to get married to have that mean that you in a person are committed to one another or to date someone One of a different gender for the first time or to not, not date at all. Like, yeah, I have so many options that, especially for women were just not available to us, even if you even one generation. Yeah. Oh, yeah,

Franny 40:15

absolutely. Yeah. So you know, so understanding that and then, you know, commitment, like being committed, like really committed that like, okay, we’re in this together, when challenges arise, we’re going to work through them together. And I’m not going to hightail it at the first sign of trouble, because trouble will always appear. Right? Like, it’s never going to be smooth sailing, and you just genuinely like each other, enjoying each other’s company. I think people underestimate that. Like, it’s not always going to be like, you know, fancy trips and romantic dinner. It’s like you’re just going to be sitting on the sofa a lot together.

Damona 40:50

A lot enough.

Franny 40:51

Yeah, we do.

Franny 40:53

Like that. I love it. I also like I also like being out in the world,

Franny 40:58

but also, I would say accident Well, we need the mix. Some people don’t some people want I want to, you know,

Damona 41:03

I’m more of a out of the house person. But and my husband is definitely more of an introvert and like, cozy up in front of Netflix. But I’ll say also you and your partner don’t have to want the same want to do the same things all the same values like yeah, and ultimate goals for the future. Yeah.

Franny 41:24

And even have some overlapping interests. Yeah, but not 100%

Damona 41:28

I don’t want to watch soccer. I just don’t know. Yeah, that’s right. You get up early you watch soccer. My yoga.

Franny 41:39

I’m not gonna go ride my bike up a mountain like him. People are like, oh, cuz my boyfriend’s very serious cyclists and people are like, Oh, do you ride? Do you ride with him? I’m like, No, why would I do that?

Franny 41:50

Right. Exactly. Yeah, no interest.

Damona 41:52

Yeah, but I feel like now because of dating apps and because of technology, being able to, to connect you to someone. That’s not just A couple of boxes but the checks a lot of boxes Now sometimes people expect them to check every box. Yeah.

Franny 42:07

Oh, I can’t tell you how many people I set up. Even actually, a really good friend of mine said to me, she’s like, wow, I’m so impressed that you ever gave your boyfriend a chance because of this his cycling thing. She’s like, why? And she’s like, well, because you don’t cycle.

Damona 42:21

Yeah, like, people say that about me. I’m like my husband, vegetarian. And people are like, how do you make it work? He doesn’t eat my food.

Franny 42:33

It’s not hard. It’s not really that hard. It’s not hard and he wants somebody who has their own passions and their own interests, right. Like I think this is the whole like you complete me this goes back to what I was saying earlier about the fairy tale industrial complex, and you’re supposed to be this like, perfect, perfect match. And you want to spend every moment together and do everything to get no like that’s not the healthiest relationship. So you’re both coming as complete people and you’re complementing each other’s lives and you’re making each other’s lives better. And richer and more fun and exciting and you know, but you’re not. You know,

Damona 43:05

there’s a difference between You complete me. And you duplicate me though to like, my husband does complete me like I’m complete, but he does fill in gaps of places that I need to work on and helps illuminate those areas where I want to be a better person. But we’re not we’re known as carbon, or carbon carbon copy. Yeah, I am curious, though. You’re for the fifth question. Whose relationship do you admire? And one and it could be a famous person or someone in your personal life? Yeah, tell us their story.

Franny 43:38

is a good question. Um, well, I guess I’ll just take a famous example because I guess that’s easy shorthand for people. Um, I do admire Brock and Michelle.

Damona 43:48

I knew you’re gonna say that. Oh, my gosh, her birthday photo and I did so sweet. I did so sweet. Woman, he

Franny 43:57

really loves her. They’re very devoted to each other and I read her memoir, which and she goes, you know, really into detail about their relationship and their courtship and everything

Damona 44:06

she was really trying to

Franny 44:09

show you.

Franny 44:10

Which, by the way, it’s interesting, though, as much as I admire their relationship, when I read her book, I was like, I never would have dated him, like I never would have. I would have started that I would have been like, yes, not gonna

Damona 44:20

work. He was like a big dreamer. She, like had her life

Franny 44:22

together. Yeah, he’s like, when they got married, and he’s like, hey, my mom rented me a house in Hawaii for two months to write my book. I’m gonna go, I know, I would have been like, Oh, no, I buy. But it works for them, you know, um, but I think but I kind of, I think that commitment, that sense of like, we have shared values, we love each other, we trust each other, we respect each other. And we are committed. So we are going to work through whatever challenges that arise because it’s worth it because that that love is so strong and that connection is so strong. So I think the fact that They just have true respect and trust for each other. And that’s not that’s, that’s rare. That’s rare. It’s really beautiful. And you can see it, you can’t fake that. You can’t fake it, but you can find it, you can find it, you can totally find it, but you can’t you can’t fake it. And, you know, especially not the kind of scrutiny that they’ve been under and what they’ve had to deal with as a couple and as a family and they just seem stronger than ever, especially now that they’re like out of the White House. Like they’re living their best

Damona 45:30

lives. I know, I know. I’m so inspired by this beautiful and I’m inspired by you and answer to our five, four FEHB question. And I know you all have a lot of questions you have sent them into me and now Francesca is going to answer them. By the way, if you have a question. There are so many, many, many ways you can send them to me, you can DM me on any social platform and damona Hoffman leave me a message through dates and mates calm Or a voicemail at 424-246-6255 I don’t know why nobody wants to ever leave me a voicemail. Everybody shy of the voice I want to hear your voice You can call me call so now I had a guy that wrote it. It was like, I don’t you’re a married woman. I don’t want to bother you on foot. You guys. It’s my it’s my database. Yeah.

Franny 46:20

Anytime a day anytime today.

Damona 46:26

All right. We’re going to take a short break when we come back. We will be handling your questions in our next segment. Welcome back to day two mates. I’m here with Francesca hoagie. She is the host of the podcast, dear Franny, yes, among other things, and she’s also a wonderful dating coach and I know you’ll be able to knock it out of the park with these questions that we have today. The first one comes to us from Jillian she says I’m a 46 year old divorce I should I pay for a dating app to get better results. I’ve been doing free apps and drawing blanks. This is a complicated question. Yeah, you and I both collaborate with a lot of dating apps. And we both were part of the dating experts that match com brought in for their summit. So I’m always like, careful just to let people know, I’m not going to endorse one app or another specifically or dog one dating app, or Yes, but save for this 46 year old

Franny 47:26

dog eHarmony bound to be honest, and commenting. I know that you don’t. That’s just me. I know. That’s me. That’s

Franny 47:37

Do you think that the free apps are not going to work so well for her? I think that I think that if you are drawing a blank, I think there’s probably something more going on there. So I would be really curious to see your profile I would really be curious to see the story that you’re you’re that you’re telling with your with your photos and your bio, and I would be very good. curious to know your strategy. Because most people are really bad at online dating, and paying for a dating app or dating, you know, website or whatever is not going to solve your poor online dating problems. That’s a good point.

Damona 48:15

I mean, I usually say you get what you’re paid what you pay for. So if you’re on a free app, you’re getting people that have, there’s no such a low barrier for entry. Like you’re getting any and everything. And you’re going to have to sort through a lot more. But at the same time, it’s a good testing space, right.

Franny 48:36

But even that is not working there. But even the paid apps have free options. Like Yeah, every paid app has a free option. So just the fact that you’re seeing someone on a paid app doesn’t even mean they’re paying. So there’s that they can’t communicate with you know, so communicate. So that’s so that’s and I know that some people get frustrated because they do pay for an app and then they’re sending you know, they’re like I’m still have to send all the messages are people aren’t read, you know, like so it there’s still a lot I think because there are so many free apps. It’s really democratized online dating. If this was five years ago, there, I think there might have been more of a difference. Certainly if it was 10 years ago, there would have been a difference but in 2020. So like I said, I’m not, I’m not saying don’t pay for an app, I’m saying that make sure that you’re that you’re actually using the right strategy and telling the right story with your profile, because that’s going to yield you better results than you know, paying for any you know, you can pay for every dating app that’s paid and still not get have any luck. So I don’t think that so I guess my point is, I don’t think that just because somebody is paying for an app, it means that they’re more serious or they’re better at online dating.

Damona 49:47

Good point. And I have to add one more message to Jillian because she mentioned that she’s a 46 year old divorce a beautiful and Jillian I don’t want you for one second to think that you can’t find Match because you’re over 40 or because maybe because you’ve been married before it Megan Markel can do it you can do. Or I don’t know if you have kids or whatever. But whatever beliefs like we were talking about earlier that may be attached to what that means to you to be a 46 year old divorcee. let that go.

Franny 50:17

Yeah, let it go. It’s not at all a hindrance to you finding an amazing partner. And I actually think that it’s I think all of these things that a lot of people consider to be baggage are actually really great litmus test, because the person who’s like, Oh, God, you’ve got kids, oh, god, you’re divorced. Great. Now I’ve seen you shown me that you’re not for me. So just be really authentic and, and lead with who you are. And don’t feel self conscious about it. Like you’re looking for the people who are specifically into you, like I think, you know, trying to be generic and be like, oh, and just, you know, like, just trying to have these ideas of like, what’s going to make you have mass appeal? Like it’s not about having mass appeal. It’s about having specific appeal to the people that you want to meet. Exactly, yeah.

Damona 50:59

Quality over quantity 100% we only have time for one more. We have more questions. I promise you all. I will answer more questions next week. But this one came in from your network. This person said I’m a single mom by choice and I have newborn twins, when and how can I date?

Franny 51:19

So kind of what I said about the you know, really leaning in to your truth and not feeling self conscious about it. Look, if you’re a single mom with newborn twins, like is that going to weed out a lot of men? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And that’s good, because you’re a single mom with newborn twins. So you need to be with somebody who’s okay with that. So it’s, it’s definitely going to be a challenge is for you to prioritize the time and all of that, but if you can do it, and you’re motivated to do it, it can 100% be done. Also. I’m a mom, as you guys know, I’ve never had twins. My sister has twins

Damona 51:55

actually was their birthday last month and it’s Lot having twins and having newborns like I could barely brush my hair. I can’t imagine trying to date in that state. So also, I feel like there’s the messaging we’re talking about, like the fantasies and the messaging that we get. There’s this messaging, like, if you are a woman and you’re single, you failed your broken, life didn’t work out for you. And so even like this woman who has made this choice to have kids, and is in this newborn phase, is hearing that message of like, she’s got to be out there dating.

Franny 52:35

Yeah, yeah. I mean, when you’re ready, when you feel ready,

Franny 52:38

ready when you feel the right time when you feel like

Franny 52:41

okay, I have the time I have the bandwidth. That’s when the time is and you have you battle to be sure hair. Yeah, I think she does. She does have help. So she’s not like totally on her own. So I

Damona 52:53

mean, I had I had a nanny and a husband. Yeah, and one Child and I could barely keep my keep my act together. So I think it might not be the right time. It may not

Franny 53:06

be the right timing, but if you can brush your hair if you can find the time to, but again, I think I think it’s being a single mom and dating. I think it’s good because again, you weeding out the men who aren’t interested in dating a single mom and it’s I think it can be something that’s really clarifying for you. Like, you know, maybe you had a lot of distraction and you were like, Oh, it’s okay that he’s like blah blah blah and flaky. It’s okay that he you know, you might have when you were when before you had kids, now you have kids, you’re like, Oh, hell no, I need somebody who’s going to show up, be consistent, you know, really be a partner. understand the challenges that of being a single mom supporting me through them, and then the cream will really rise to the top in that situation. Hmm,

Damona 53:48

that’s really good advice. Thank you so much for sharing that. Thank you. Thank you for being here. you for having me. I really appreciate you being our first victim. I mean, guess

Franny 54:01

554 February and to

Franny 54:03

listen to all these episodes and see who answered the questions better than me.

Damona 54:06

It’s got your this is like tough mark to be. I’m really curious to see how it changes from different perspectives. But you know, I love having your your insights and your perspective on the show. So thank you for being

Franny 54:18

you. Thank you so much damona

Damona 54:21

You can find Franny on the socials at dear frannie and make sure you check out her podcast dear frannie on all your favorite social media platforms and by the way, she has something very special for you six love mindset hacks. We were talking about this mindset and she will help you work through it and rewrite your mindset on love. So you can find that at Francesca hoagie calm, of course, we’ll put the link in the show notes. Or you can just text love hacks to 44 222 that’s 44 222 and for those of you who want more support and love for Valentine’s Day We will be launching you ready for this? A Patreon Friends with Benefits Program. On Valentine’s Day February 14, you’ll get access to exclusive behind the scenes content from the seven years of the show, you can become a part of bonus content club which will include my podcast, video and book recommendations. And you’ll have an opportunity to join me for private group coaching sessions. Oh, and this for my really special top tier Fw B’s you can even get a dating profile analysis with tips tailored just for you on how to make your profile magnetic so that it draws in the right kind of dates. So I’ll tell you all about my new Patreon friends at benefits program on next week’s show. But in the meantime, get pumped. I can’t wait to have more opportunities to connect directly with each one of you. I hope you enjoyed Episode 295 of dates and dates again, I’m @DamonaHoffman on all the socials and I really want to hear Your love questions. Until next week, I wish you happy dating and happy almost Valentine’s Day.

Healthy Communication & Roasting for Romance

HEALTHY RESPONSES TO CONFLICT

This week is all about discerning healthy communication patterns in response to conflict in all your relationships. Conflict is going to happen no matter what. It’s normal. Whether you’re self-partnered, dating, or in a relationship it’s important to look inside take a moment to prepare for healthy conflict.

Marla Mattenson is an internationally recognized relationship expert specializing in working with entrepreneurial couples using her background in neuroscience and mathematics. Over the course of her 25+ year career, Marla has helped more than 12,000 couples including Academy Award winners, NBA players, and Grammy Awards winners!

She’s here to give us all the answers on healthy communication!

More on that later, first we have headlines!

DATING DISH

Are you and your partner headed for a breakup?

According to Elite Daily, 55% of couples see moving in together as a step towards marriage. According to Marla, if your partner is giving you more gifts than normal this is a SURE sign you’re headed for a breakup.

via GIPHY

Tim Tebow has tied the knot and FINALLY popped his cherry

Wedding Bells for Tim Tebow and Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters. No word yet on whether she’ll add another hyphen to her name.

Roasting for Romance?

Some new research from Appalachian State University indicates that roasting – sarcastic jabs at your partner – can actually be healthy and bring you and your partner closer together. Damona and Marla disagree.

via GIPHY

HEALTHY COMMUNICATION (15:30)

Marla and Damona go in-depth on exploring your childhood conflict when it comes to healthy communication:

Fight, Flight, or Freeze
It’s not your fault, it’s your biology
Insightful knowledge as to how we handle conflict
Three key ways to effectively navigate the situation:
- Acknowledge your childhood
- Introduce awareness to the conversation
- Press the reset button on all default settings

Introducing a safe word in your relationship to let you partner know when his/her “fight, flight or freeze” default setting is kicking in
Speaking your truth
Getting Unpleasant feedback
Why you need GEJF in your life (Grace, Ease, Joy, Flow)

TECHNICALLY DATING (36:27)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG – This guy I’ve been in a situationship with has been working a lot lately. He told me at his job someone was eyes him and asked if that person was flirting with him? But then he said he felt uncomfortable. Should I be concerned? Is he asking me how to read the signs?
EMAIL -I have been this guy long time – after a long period of being broken up, I have found him again on Facebook. I miss him, love him, and want to marry him. We haven’t seen each other in three months. He either changed his phone number or blocked me. I want another chance and to be with him for Valentine Day. I bought a Valentine’s Day present for him. What should I do?
IG – I’ve been divorced for about 10 years and I’m just getting back into dating. When I was 18, I needed an ileostomy to save my life and now I’m wearing an external pouch. My ex had no problems with it because it doesn’t interfere with intimacy. ButI’ve told guys after a few dates about my pouch and I’ve also waited to tell them. In most cases the guy ghosts me. Do I wait until there is a deep emotional connection and risk being emotionally hurt? Or do I tell them up front and lose the guy sooner than later?

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona 0:12

Hello lovers Welcome to dates and mates. Thank you for making this your go to dating show for the past seven years to all the new listeners who watch my dating profile polish on E Welcome to the fam I am here to love up on you and support you at all phases of dating and relationships and so is my guest for today. Marla Martinson is an internationally recognized relationship expert specializing in working with entrepreneurial couples. She uses her background in neuroscience and in mathematics to do this. And over the course of her 25 year career. She has helped more than 12,000 couples, including Academy Award winners and beyond. Players, Grammy Award winners millionaires, y’all. She’s the real deal. Please give big smooches to Marla Martinson. Thank you so much for being here.

Marla Mattenson 1:10

Thank you so much. I’m super excited for this show!

Damona 1:13

All right, this is the gold standard of advice, y’all. So, get your pen and paper ready because we are going to give you some really key advice about building healthy relationships, and communication. Even when things get a little bit uncomfortable, especially in a fight. We’ll be talking about fighting it’s gonna happen y’all. So we’ll tell you how to navigate through so that you both can get your needs met in the relationship. And we’ll also be covering this week’s headlines including What are the signs that you and your partner could be heading for a breakup and Tim t bow tie the knot and finally popped his cherry Garcia we have the decision about that was is it good for you to roast your partner will tell you the answer to that in a minute and then we’ll answer your question. Including, should you be worried that someone is flirting with your boo at work? And what do you do? If you want your ex back? Especially when you already have a Valentine’s Day present for them? Oh, is this gonna be a spicy one? Marla?

Damona 2:15

Are you ready to dish though?

Damona 2:19

All right. All right, our friends at elite daily gave us the skinny on the four signs that you may be headed for a breakup. I have to admit I did give a lot of the advice for this for this article. But I’m curious Marla because you work with you work with couples. And I’m sure you have seen a lot of these signs coming up. I’ll just go over some of the signs. Y’all should read it on your own. We’ll put the link in the show notes. But I told them to look out for a change in communication style and a decline in sexual intimacy, signs of annoyance or them needing space from you and I think those are just some of the signs, but I’m sure you’ve seen a lot of other signs and people want to know like, what is my partner thinking? What should they be looking for before things get into crisis? I love this article, actually,

Marla Mattenson 3:14

I think it’s really fantastic. It’s a great sign post, there’s not a whole lot more to add to it To be honest, except gifts. If they start giving you more than you’re used to, then that kind of a change, also more than just in the communication style. If they’re starting to go above and beyond, it might mean that they’re trying to put in the extra effort, just in case maybe it will work.

Damona 3:39

Oh, wow, way, way, way way. Wait, because I know a lot of our listeners are saying, Oh, this is great. Like my partner is really leaning in. And they’re they’re showering me with attention. And this is something that I see also in dating in the early phase that I tell people to look out for that when somebody is too too romantic. too aggressive with trying to lock down the relationship? I say that’s actually a bad sign. So that’s also a bad sign on the way our on and the relation. Yes, yes.

Marla Mattenson 4:10

It’s sort of like a last ditch effort. It’s it’s, it’s actually something that I coach on as well in relationship is you want to put in your real hundred percent efforts that maybe you have been holding back because you’ve been waiting for your partner to show up and do the work. And they haven’t. So what I teach is you show up and you do the work. So you put in the extra effort and you see how your partner responds. And so because I know that I offer that as advice to my couples, if they’re having a lot of challenges, I know that sometimes that’s what’s actually going on, someone’s putting in one more big huge effort at the end to see is my partner going to change? Are they going to do anything different or they’re going to still be the curmudgeon? Are they still going to be you know, bitchy, are they still going to have problems and you know, complain, etc. Or they going to see me a new because the idea and relationship as you know is you have have to be able to see your partner with fresh eyes every day, every moment of the day. And if you can’t see your partner with fresh eyes, then you’re always going to be looking for the things that they’re doing wrong. You’re going to be looking for those problems, rather than looking for what’s new and fresh about my partner today. How can I honor and love what he’s all about today are what she’s all about today, rather than looking for all of the issues and the problems and the challenges,

Damona 5:25

yeah, I like the idea of really focusing on the present and I talked to daters about this a lot. What about if we were to look into the past many of these, these cohabitation situations, which is really what this article was talking about, like signs, your partner may be moving out, not just breaking up with you. I think that some of the problems begin before the point of that this article begins. And according to the article 55% of people see moving in together as a step toward marriage. I actually hosted a TV series for a networks called a question of love were removed couples in together for the first time. And they had to go through this intensive experience for 30 days and see if they wanted to stay together or move out and break up. And I found that so many of the times as we move these couples together, they were like, yeah, I’m ready for a relationship. But the moving in together meant something different to each of them. Many of them hadn’t had conversations about like almost sort of a prenup of what’s going to happen if we break up. And it was it’s continually surprising to me with clients as I help them through the dating process. that so many of them are are focused on let me get to the moving in like then now I’ve now I’ve got something, but it’s so much more complicated when you’re living with someone. And I find a lot of these questions aren’t being asked early enough. The dating process

Marla Mattenson 6:54

definitely you know, meaning making is one of the biggest challenges and relationships My partner, Julian, he could literally walk across the room and I can make meaning out of that. How he’s walking across the room, the look on his face what he’s paying attention to, you know. And so if you start paying more attention to the inner world of your own, and you start asking yourself, what meaning Am I making out of moving in together out of how he’s doing this, how she’s doing that, then you’re going to start to understand more about yourself, your own needs, your own desires, and then instead of waiting for your partner, to show up and be all of what you want, you actually know what you want, and then you can articulate it. And you can actually verbalize, you can say it, you can speak it out loud, and then you can see how it lands and how it lands matters, right? Because then you can feel the sort of reverberation of how it lands no matter what they say. You can feel the truth in the vibration of the tone of the vibration of you know, their body posture or their arms folded, look away. You know what’s happening as you’re saying Speaking your needs and your desires to your partner.

Damona 8:03

Well, one person who seemed to be very clear about his needs and his desires was Tim Tebow. He loved love. We’re on board for this. He married Miss Universe Demi Lee Nell Peters. She has a lot of hyphens in her name. I don’t know she’s going to definitely mail Peters t bo. But here’s the catch with this story. Tim was very vocal for many years about his faith and about his desire to stay celibate until he was married, and only 3% of the US population waits until marriage. I was not aware of that. I was not either. But I I’m curious what you think about the faith aside about making this declaration of not having not being intimate until you get married, and if you’ve seen like any couples that have been successful waiting or unsuccessful in not been finding out later that they weren’t intimately compatible.

Marla Mattenson 9:04

Yes, that I love the way you just said that. That’s really wonderful. I wonder if Tim did not have his faith if he would have been celibate. That’s my first wondering, because I believe that celibacy and faith tend to go hand in hand for our youth now, and there is a movement for celibacy in our youth that has nothing to do with faith that just has to do with I’m saving myself for the right time, but it’s not necessarily marriage. saving yourself for marriage is different than saving yourself for love. So celibacy till marriage is a completely different animal and I have to be honest, unless it’s your faith, please don’t do it. Don’t wait until you’re married to have sex. Okay,

Damona 9:55

why Marla?

Marla Mattenson 9:56

Okay, because exactly what you said which is sexual portability is a real thing. I mean, I have a client who a former client who she ended a relationship with someone she really loved because of the way his anatomy hit her on the inside, in a way that caused pain every time they tried to make love. And it was just him. It was it was just the way he curved to the left a little bit that hit her and they tried I gave them all kinds of coaching on that, you know, different positions this and that. And it was painful. She couldn’t enjoy sex with him. And so he was really big,

Damona 10:42

right? No, no, he wasn’t actually okay. We don’t even Okay, we

Marla Mattenson 10:45

don’t have to go there I go, there I go.

Marla Mattenson 10:51

But it’s sometimes the anatomy is an issue and if that’s an issue, you do not want to be in a lifelong relationship with someone that is Going to have that kind of a problem that’s just starting with a foundation that’s really shaky. That’s very challenging, even when you love someone, so literally, there are so many issues in the sexual arena that have nothing to do with compatibility that have to do with taste and touch and the way you hold each other and you know, how, how rigid or contracted you are versus how much you can relax. There’s so many nuances to lovemaking that, you know, you kind of want to take the car for a test drive before you buy it.

Damona 11:36

Yes, you know, just don’t like move the car in your garage before you know you know where you’re going to be driving it. There you go. Okay. As we are looking at different qualities that make a relationship successful beyond the INTIMACY COMPATIBILITY. Community communication is obviously something that you specialize in and something We’ll be talking about more later on in the show. There was an article Marla in the sun, obviously a very reputable source that said, roasting your partner every day makes the relationship stronger. I’m going to just go out on a limb here and say, this goes against everything I know about healthy relationships. And they were saying that it’s good for the the energy to kind of rip them on certain qualities that irritate you rather than nag them. But I kind of feel like if you’re having that much contempt in your relationship, you know, that’s what one of john Gottman four horsemen, you’re feeling those feelings towards your partner. I’m not sure that roasting them is the right way to

Marla Mattenson 12:48

bring it to the surface. I’m so glad you feel that way. I can

Damona 12:52

say on this lady, so I was ready.

Marla Mattenson 12:56

I’m a hell no for that.

Marla Mattenson 12:57

So it makes me question. I’m not The sun they’re just reporting but it makes me question the research and the ages of the participants. It makes me want to question how many people they interviewed it makes me want to question how long they’ve been in relationship it makes me want to question a number of things about the actual research and it feels very teenage It feels like a teenage You know, when you’re in middle school and you kind of negative each other like, you know, you can’t

Damona 13:27

write boy makes fun of you, like sells your hair, then he likes you

Marla Mattenson 13:32

Why is that a thing and that should not continue into a healthy adult relationship. So preamble also to just add on to what you said is, you know, I love dr. john Gottman and it’s if you are using sarcasm in your relationship in any way. Sarcasm, the definition of sarcasm is tearing flesh. I mean, it is not kind it’s saying something that you’re hoping somebody Going to get a message underneath of a truth. Why not just say the truth? And why don’t we because you know, we don’t want to deal with the actual reaction from our partner. So if we are sarcastic instead, then we can, if there’s a negative reaction, we can easily just say, oh, babe, I was just kidding. Oh, why can’t you just roll with it? You’re all you’re so serious, you know, rather than, you know, actually that hurt my feelings. I didn’t like when you said that. That doesn’t feel good to me. To me. Building a loving healthy lifelong relationship with your partner means you pour love and kindness into the union of your relationship the big week, right? You don’t pour sarcasm and jokes that are meant for little digs. Just to get some you know upregulation of hormones so that you can get horny for each other.

Marla Mattenson 14:51

You know, that’s not that will keep you

Damona 14:54

it’s not sustainable to now walking off into the sunset now. This is this is getting interesting, Marla, this is getting very interesting. And I know you have many more insights to share on how to build a healthy relationship, how to deal with conflict, like what we were talking about, and how to have this partner in crime that you you live with, that you love, and maybe even that you work with, that you can really build a long term standing relationship with. So yeah, we’ll be talking about that right after the break. But first, I just have to acknowledge one of our listeners who left this lovely five star review on Apple podcast. Darling Nikki says, Wow, I’m obsessed and I can’t believe I never heard this pod. I can’t believe you haven’t either. loving every app and don’t want to sleep just binge. Thank you, Nikki. We’re so glad that you found the show and we are so grateful you took the time to give us a review. Whether you’re a binge listener like Nikki or a casual fan of the show, please leave us a review on your favorite podcast platform so we can shout you out and give you some love on a future episode. More with Marla Martinson in just a moment.

Welcome back. We are here with Marla Martinson and we’re talking about dealing with conflict and relationships and building healthy communication. Marla. Now, you alluded to this in the first segment, but you also work with your partner, Julian colker. He’s a little under the weather today. So we’ll have to join us on a future show. But first of all, how is that because so many people tell me so many clients say I really want to find my partner in crime and somebody who’s going to support me through not just like, love but also life and business. You’ve done it. Yes. How’s that working for you? It’s amazing.

Marla Mattenson 16:38

It’s amazing. And it’s challenging. It is challenging from time to time, right? You know, we’re just like any other couple, we get into the arguments that sometimes spiral down into the pit of hell. And then we come out together the other side, but really, we look at it like it’s kind of like an obstacle course that we go through together. So even when we’re spiraling down, we’re aware because awareness is always the first Step in any process that you’re going to master at some point, you become aware at some point in that conflict. Oh my gosh, wait, I’m in a conflict with the person I love the most on this planet. And when you can pause long enough to remember that that’s the point to insert a knowing that actually it’s not your fault. It’s your biology. Your biology is telling you lies about your partner. Wait, what does that mean? So this is like, this is inner game, inner game, baby. All ready to go in.

Marla Mattenson 17:37

Okay, let’s do it.

Marla Mattenson 17:40

So, when you’re aware that you feel like you want to attack your partner, verbally, just even in your mind, right? You’re saying really awful things in your mind about your partner, blaming them angry, you know, why can’t he or why can’t she just get it or whatever it is. for you in that moment, when you become aware that you’re thinking negative thoughts about your partner, that’s the moment to say, I must be activated. I must be activated about something. It may even not be about my partner, it may be about because, you know, we can’t pay this bill or you know, the mother in law just called or you know, something else is happening with the kids or something is going on in your life. You’re feeling stressed, you’re looking around. I’m not sure if you saw this burn a brown video of it’s hilarious. She talks about how she’s in her kitchen, and she accidentally drops a mug of coffee on the floor. And her husband is nowhere to be found. He’s not even in the house at the time and she yells his name out and blames him for it. And she dropped it and she dropped it.

Damona 18:50

Right girls you know it,

Marla Mattenson 18:53

like the closest person to like ttttt Oh, you You’re the problem. It can’t be me. Right because our ego Won’t let it be us as the problem. So as soon as you realize you’re in that loop, the crazy loop of I want to blame. I want to blame my partner for how I’m feeling right now, even if it is their fault. Okay, here’s the thing. One of our philosophies is it’s never you versus your partner. It’s never you, it your partner is the problem. It’s always the two of you versus the problem. Yes, right. Even if your partner is the problem, we still look at it like we’re sitting next to each other, rather than across from each other across from each other is actually very aggressive. It’s an animal aggressive state to be exactly opposite each other looking into each other’s eyes, rather than sitting next to each other at a table and looking out or going for a walk together and talking about a problem. So the thing is, is that our biology is telling us your partner is a threat. He’s a threat, he’s the problem, or she’s the threat. She’s the problem. The lies that go on our chemical. So your body is is telling you through cortisol through norepinephrine through all the chemicals flowing in your system when you feel attacked in some way. There’s no saber toothed Tiger anymore. We’re not running from a lot of wild lion anymore. But now the threat is can we pay our bills? Right? Is my partner having an affair? Are it does he really love me? You know, all of those things. And when you get into a conflict, it’s a mini microcosm of that old fight flight or freeze response that happens.

Damona 20:32

Right? So talk to us about this fight, flight, or freeze. I’m sure people have heard fighter flight. The talk to us about what the freeze element means and then, you know, as we are just nothing but mammals. Yeah. How does it How is it really affecting us in relationships in our biology?

Marla Mattenson 20:53

Yes. So, fight so if everybody has one major default In the fight flight or freeze response so as as everybody’s listening, you can listen for your own. And sometimes it’s a combination sometimes you go back and forth and sometimes it’s all three and that’s the like, you know, trifecta of horror, when they’re all three activated. So the fight is something happens. Your partner does something they say something they could load the dishwasher wrong in your eyes. Something happens to me, right once.

Damona 21:24

No, no, on the regular rice, right? Because there is a right way to load the dishwasher according to each of us. Don’t we want the dishes to be clean? I don’t know. But okay, go on. Okay, and then we’ll and then we’ll come full circle back to analyze me later. Okay.

Marla Mattenson 21:42

So the fight response is your first inclination is to lash out and to say something to take action. So if your first response is, I need to say something about that dishwasher. The first response is, hey, hey babe, may remember put the glasses on the top Remember, right? Exactly that okay, though, remember. So that’s also kind of like the nag, the nag and the fighter are kind of cousins. So that’s if you have your first response is some action. It can also be a passive aggressive action, which is, let’s say there’s a towel left on the floor every morning, okay? And so white response is, I’m going to pick up that towel and put it back on the hanger. that’s a that’s a it’s a lower level version of the fight response, because on the inside your mind is saying to yourself, that so and so why can he ever just pick up that’s how I’ve told him a million times? So even if he’s not even there, you can still have the fight response when there’s nobody listening. Okay, yeah. Okay. So that’s the fight response. The flight response is, you just want to exit the building, either actually, or in your mind. So these are people who sort of shut down. They they You know, hey, I gotta go handle these other things. They want to put everything on pause.

Marla Mattenson 23:04

This is the people that ghost

Marla Mattenson 23:06

these are the ghost tours, the fighters are they can’t handle conflicts they will avoid at all costs. They’re the ones who actually will use sarcasm and then pretend like it’s not a big deal to actually try to communicate. So the flight people will get the same chemicals but chemicals bond and they start reacting in the way that they learned how to deal with conflict by witnessing and experiencing from childhood.

Damona 23:29

Oh, yeah. Okay. So let’s talk about that. Okay. A lot of people come into relationships with their own conditioning, and they think, I don’t want to do that. My parents did that. And that was uncomfortable for me. So I’m going to be different in my relationship. Do you find that people if they are able to consciously acknowledge what their childhood conditioning was? Are they able to rewrite it? Or do you find that they end up just falling into the same pattern?

Marla Mattenson 23:56

You know, both. I’m just gonna I’m going to answer all of the above Because what happens is just because you’re aware of it doesn’t mean you have a new pathway. So typically, when you become aware, oh, I don’t want to recreate this pattern that my parents did. Typically we do the opposite, which is the opposite side of the same coin. So you’re still doing the pattern, you’re just doing the pattern, the opposite, it does not heal the pattern. To heal the pattern, you need to do something completely new, have a completely new response. And so part of the work that Julian and I do with couples and that we practice ourselves is really excavating family lineage patterns. Because Where did you come from? You didn’t come from nowhere. You came from somewhere, and you learned through experience. And up until the age of seven, we’re literally just open vessels receiving we have no ability to deny or reject or say no to anyone or anything.

Damona 24:50

And you’re not talking just about parental relationship. You’re talking about lineage like what has been passed down generation Right, Andre, she says,

Marla Mattenson 25:00

Did your parents do the work to excavate their material from their parents? Or did their parents or did their parents or their parents, everybody? You know, at one point, what your current parents taught you was very helpful. But that could have been five generations ago. But we’re still using those things today, because who has taken the time to look at their family lineage around, let’s say, pleasure? What did you learn about your family? lineage from pleasure? Like, what did you witness your family doing around physical pleasure? Guess what, it’s in your bedroom? Yeah. And we can excavate that. So really, taking a look at the biology of what’s happening inside of you, is really the most important first step. So becoming aware and pausing long enough to listen to your own thoughts before they fly out of your mouth. And that’s one of the hardest things to do. Right? Because especially those of us who are fighters who just want to say it and then also if you happen to be articulate as you are, as I am Right, you can say things in a way that are logical, they make sense and they’re obviously non combative. But are they building intimacy? are they building more connection? And there are plenty of times where what I say to Julian is not building intimacy and how it’s not about being perfect. It’s about how quickly can I become aware that oops, I just said something that is not in alignment with who I really am. That’s an old version of Marla. That’s the kind of Marla that’s the little hurt girl right? The one who just wants to be loved and doesn’t need us understand all I need a hug. All he needs, whatever, but how does he know that I need a hug when I’m throwing prickly, you know, dark energy out and him right? And he’s like, I’m just gonna stay away from that until that calms down. It’s like a porcupine, you know, right. All the plumes come up, and he can’t get close to me.

Damona 26:52

And then what is his conditioning to is the other side of that Right,

Marla Mattenson 26:54

exactly. So the Exactly, so the other side of the pattern is what is he conditioned to do and part of I’ll just share because we share all apartments cereal. Thank you, right?

Damona 27:04

We’re open book. Yeah. Jason made? Yes.

Marla Mattenson 27:08

So you know, part of his side of the pattern is he doesn’t want to be made wrong. Oh, well, isn’t that the perfect other side of the pattern? I get to be right and he has to be wrong. And so when I find that I’m feeling righteous, or justified or verified in my, because I have a long list of reasons why my way is correct, even if it is, that’s not going to build the intimacy and he will feel wrong. And so that will activate him. And so when he gets activated, and if I’m activated, we call that double activation. And that is the most challenging thing to go through. And that’s when you start spiraling down. And so when one of us has the courage to say, pause, hold on. We’re in it. We’re in it. This is it. This is the moment can we go through the rest of this together like that? Okay, oops, we didn’t do so hot the first five minutes. But How about now?

Damona 28:05

Right now, it’s like kind of bringing it back to what you said earlier of having that moment. Living the moment again, and you’re you’re right there, you’re not like in what just happened five minutes ago, or what happened last week, or what is going to happen next week, it’s being in that moment with your partner and being on the same team, like you were saying, exactly. And

Marla Mattenson 28:26

we actually have a technique for that. I can teach it in two seconds, teach it, it’s called the redo.

Damona 28:31

Hello.

Marla Mattenson 28:33

redo it. And so what it is, is you ask for Rito. So if I’m the one who kind of started it, then I’ll say Wait, can I get a redo? If I, if I can be aware, and then we pause, and he’s, we’re both sort of calm enough that I can say, Can I get a redo, babe, I really did not. Start that the way I really wanted to. And he’ll go, Okay, hold on, give me a second. I gotta shake that off. First. They’ll shake it off. I’ll shake it off and then I’ll go okay. And the idea is You bring sparkly eyes, you bring your open heart, you bring your best self and you both reenact the same scenario. But this time you show up as your best self as your loving self as the self who wants to build love, intimacy and connection, even through challenges and chaos. And when you redo it, you’re literally rewiring your brain in the moment because when you think back on a memory, you remember what happened mostly at the end? Yes, okay. You remember the beginning and you remember the end, you don’t really remember the murky middle, okay? That’s all where it gets very subjective. And so when you redo it, you have redone it and you end smiling. So when you remember the beginning next time, you’ll also remember Oh, yeah, and we did the redo. And we went

Damona 29:44

through it together, and we ended up smiling. Yeah. Marla, how do I get how do I deal with this dishes that you know, I know, how do I get the towels off my floor? I’ll tell you. I mean, of all the things it’s pretty a pretty minor thing. We’ve been together so almost 17 years, 16 years, I’ve, I’ve also just realized, like people sometimes have their patterns and limitations and like, I can be mad about the towel on the floor, or I can just pick it up and move on with my life and let it be over. Yes. And so that’s what I 17 years later decided to do. But honestly, I seriously don’t know you guys. Is that, is that what you recommend? Or is that like, is that a flight response?

Marla Mattenson 30:29

Okay, let’s let’s chat about it.

Marla Mattenson 30:30

Yeah, it depends. And the reason it depends is because it depends on your state of mind in the moment. So, next time, he leaves his towel on the floor, if you will, first of all, I’m assuming. So let let me not assume Let me ask a question. Have you mentioned this to him in the past?

Damona 30:49

He like years ago, like years, okay, it’s been years and then now it’s just like, oh, there’s gonna be towels on

Marla Mattenson 30:55

and so is it every day that there’s two or every time

Marla Mattenson 30:58

I mean, it’s like 6040 Okay, 6040

Marla Mattenson 31:03

So, okay, so there’s a couple of things. First thing is you can with a whole fresh new attitude and love in your heart, you can have a new conversation with him to say, you know what, I realized that I’ve kind of let this thing go, but it actually is still kind of a little bit of a thing for me. I wonder if you’d be willing to make an extra effort to hang up your towel after you use it every day. And then wait for the response and have a conversation about it. And you can also say, and I want to let you know that if you forget from time to time, it’s okay. But it’s still okay. Like it’s been okay this whole time and it’s also still okay. And I also just want to let you know, like, it actually would still feel loving to me, if you would make an even an extra effort, right now, how does that feel to you? And then wait for his response.

Damona 31:51

And now let’s play out the different responses. Okay, everybody. So let’s say the response is like, you know, and just for listeners, like we’re talking about towels, with This could be anything in your relationships. Right? And it’s like a woman. Why are you talking to me about these towels again? I don’t think he would say that. But let’s just play devil’s advocate that

Marla Mattenson 32:10

Yeah. Yeah. What is it about me asking you that bothers you? Oh,

Marla Mattenson 32:16

so whenever someone that’s not that’s not.

Marla Mattenson 32:20

That’s not a fight response. So know if you’re in a calm place, and you ask genuinely because you’re curious and you really want it like, ooh, up. Okay, that’s your reaction. I wasn’t expecting that. And that’s totally fine. I’m just curious, what, what is it about me asking you that feels so off. And you really want to know, and this is the thing is that we don’t really want to know certain things about our partners. And so we just don’t ask and we don’t ask. So I’m a big fan of asking.

Damona 32:53

Yes, that is so important. Like in all we’re talking about conflict, but that’s just important at all phases. Building the relationship curiosity. Oh, yeah. Yo, you hear in her I curiosity comment is what I say for people when they’re dating, like be curious about so good about what you need to know about that person just like be curious on a date. So it’s the same thing in the relationship. And people always ask me, How do you keep the relationship feeling fresh and feeling new and discovery? Right? You still have to stay curious. You talk about something, a philosophy called gaggia. Yes. What is gaggia?

Marla Mattenson 33:32

Okay, gaggia I just have to say I hated that word for many years. And it finally in 2020 is actually a thing. It’s a thing and Julian named it okay, but it’s our philosophy of grace, ease, joy and flow. So get GIF getcha getcha g JF gadget that it’s just easier to say yes. And so it’s like our philosophy is, you know, you can’t control what’s coming at you in life, you know, there’s always the UPS, there’s always the downs, you have no control over that. But you do have control over how you respond. You do have control over that. And if you respond with, I expect grace, ease, joy and flow, even through conflicts, even through challenges, and through the joy and through the happiness, then you start living your life that way. And then when something bad happens, you get a car accident, you know, life happens, right? Then you’re prepared because that’s what you’ve been practicing. I want to run one more thing, which is the freeze response. We didn’t get to that. Can I just say that really quick? The freeze response is and it’s so interesting that it almost is forgotten, you know, because the freeze response is literally like the chameleon just blending into the wall. It’s you know, the octopus that can turn into anything. It’s, you know, the the freeze response is feeling paralyzed. You have no words, no words will come out of your mouth. You’re not trying Two eyes out your partner but you just can’t find any words. Everything in your mind is confusion and your partner’s articulate and you have no idea what to say. So you just say nothing. So the freeze response is a really delicate response that is challenging for people. You know, I actually am an introvert people don’t realize that about me. But I can get into the freeze response. When I’m really activated. I go right into that little girl space where I’m like, I’ll just be like the silent little Good girl where I don’t know what to say. So I’m going to say nothing.

Damona 35:31

Hmm. And so very fulfilling for your prey.

Marla Mattenson 35:33

It is not they’re not

Marla Mattenson 35:34

know and it’s trying to work through the GED. Exactly, exactly. And

Marla Mattenson 35:39

so you know, then you find ways to sort of down regulate the emotions and allow those chemicals to flow through your system and pass through and give yourself a little bit of time and then you come forward again, and you go Okay, let’s, let’s try this again. Let’s do a redo.

Damona 35:54

I love that. And I’m also married to an introvert who’s like Now he’s uh he’s like an introvert mascot yeah found power in introversion but yeah it’s it’s it’s hard when everyone else is is talking and everyone else is in like fight response if your tendency is to go inward and and shut down or we’re not be able to find the words like me right now

Marla Mattenson 36:24

if you tapped into the introvert I did you tapped in

Damona 36:27

like channeling him. This is all such such great information and I know you have insights that our listeners are going to want to hear in our next segment because we got a lot of questions. I so appreciate it y’all. I appreciate you. trusting us with your love lives. We have some very, very challenging questions, but I know Marla Martinson is up to the task so don’t go anywhere. We have more dates and dates right after this. Welcome back to dates and mates.

We have some Very challenging questions on this week’s show that have been sent to us far and wide from all different sources Instagram, email, Facebook, you can hit me up on any of the platforms at Damona Hoffman if you if you have a question for a future show. This one Marla comes to us from Instagram. This gal says this guy I’ve been in a situation ship with has been working a lot lately. He told me that at his job, someone was eyeing him. And he asked if that person was flirting with him. But then he said he felt uncomfortable. Should I be concerned? is he asking me how to read the signs? So this person it seemed in situation ships, so it’s kind of a new relationship. But the guy’s asking or like somebody seems to be flirting with me. I don’t really know. What do I do?

Marla Mattenson 37:58

Yeah. How would you read this? This I think this is such a beautiful question because it’s very clear that he wants to move things forward with the woman who wrote that, because he wouldn’t say anything to her about someone flirting at work or potentially flirting. If he wanted to go off and flirt with that other person or start something with somebody else, he would he would probably just go do it rather than talk about it or ask about it. So it’s really beautiful that and it’s sort of a celebration that he is coming to you with this information. And so it’s it’s um, it’s kind of like a toe dip in like, how honest can we be with each other in this relationship? He’s checking to see if you’re going to greet him with love and affection. Or and this may be conscious or unconscious in him okay, but he’s coming to you with Are you a safe person to reveal the truth of my life too, or are you going to freak out, are you going to judge me? Are you going to blame me? What are you going to do with this information? So So the idea here is, in my experience and opinion would be to ask him a question, to get curious to get curious about him and say, Wow, first of all, number one, always when someone brings information to you that they wouldn’t normally bring or they don’t have to bring. The first response is always two words. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for bringing this to me. I really appreciate you sharing this with me. What did that feel like to have that happen? What what Kate, what came up for you like if you become the open, curious space for this person to come and share this information, the number one, he’s going to bring more to you. And number two, you’re going to bond over the fact that you can get curious about this very benign situation because he wasn’t That flirting, if he was into that flirting, then he would have just gone into that flirting.

Damona 40:04

Yeah. So well done. I agree with you. It seems to be a sign of desiring this to become more serious. I do wonder though, if there’s an element of, I’m telling you someone else’s flirting with me to let you know, like, I got options here. Yeah, so yeah, let down

Marla Mattenson 40:26

this Right, right. Exactly, exactly. So. So before you nail it down, though, you want to make sure that he’s not just playing a game, you want to actually ask questions to see how he shows up in the response. So he’s checking to see how you’re going to show up. But you also want to check to see how he’s going to show up. So gathering more information through experience, not just through your thinking about it, but through actual questions and having him answer and having a beautiful conversation about it is what’s going to help the two of you together come to Oh, yeah.

Marla Mattenson 41:00

Well, I don’t want anybody flirting with you at work,

Marla Mattenson 41:03

I want to flirt with

Marla Mattenson 41:05

flirting with you or you know, so you can get playful with your responses and show him if you want more in the relation. If you want the situation to be a relationship, then you can offer up a little bit

Damona 41:16

more like playful. Okay, I need everyone. I just have to pause for a second because I need everyone to really hear what Marla just said. It is so important in the early phase of dating and getting to know people that you find that playfulness and that flirtatiousness as you are trying to figure out where things are headed. So a lot of times my clients get very stressed in that period of when we’re trying to DTR figure out is this going to be a relationship or not, and they don’t know how to find the words to really express what they want without feeling like they’re being raw and vulnerable and potentially getting going to get hurt. But you have to you have to get Curious, and you have to present it if you present it in the way that Marla said. It’s it keeps it light, but it keeps it also intriguing. I would say yes.

Marla Mattenson 42:12

And if Also, if you’re not curious, if you’re not bringing curiosity to these conversations, then you’re bringing something else. You’re bringing your assumptions. You’re bringing what you think is going on,

Damona 42:22

you’re bringing your assumptions, you’re bringing your desire to get married and have a baby yesterday into whatever outcome you’re trying to create. You’re trying to create an outcome, right? That’s kind of the bottom line. That’s right.

Marla Mattenson 42:35

That’s right. So you’re not actually available for what the real outcome is. And the real outcome unfolds, you can’t control it. It actually just kind of naturally organically comes together more and more, the more you’re open and vulnerable, rather than what a lot of people try to do. And I know you’re a master at this is, is helping people understand that if you try to control the dating process, you could actually end Up engaged to someone who doesn’t really know you. Because you’ve been showing what you think they want to see every step along the way, rather than who you really are

Damona 43:11

or manipulating the outcome or

Marla Mattenson 43:13

exactly, exactly, exactly. So curiosity. No, we don’t want that for you don’t do that.

Damona 43:17

Okay, that’s actually a perfect segue in. Okay, this was an email that was sent to me, I’m going to kind of paraphrase hope it’s okay to the listener who’s on this question. But basically, she was with this guy for a while. They broke up, they got back together. They were together for a few years. And then, about three or four months ago, they broke up again. But she’s saying, I miss him. I love him and I want to marry him. We haven’t seen each other in three months. He either changed his phone number or blocked me. I want another chance to be with him for Valentine’s Day. I bought a Valentine’s Day present for him. What should I do to get him back

Marla Mattenson 44:00

I have a little yikes on that when I noticed, I don’t know go easy. So I don’t know how to say this in, I’ll just say it in the most gentle kind way I can. If you want to give a gift to someone, a gift is a one way direction. It is not a two way direction. It’s you want to give a gift. And it’s received by the other person and the person can do whatever they want with they can throw it in the trash, they can cherish it forever, they can do whatever they want. Right? I

Marla Mattenson 44:30

love that.

Marla Mattenson 44:32

Or, and then if they want to respond or reciprocate than they can, but there’s no no guarantee obligation at all for them to have to respond. So if you’re giving a gift with the hopes of getting something in return, then that’s the first question. I would ask yourself. Why do I want to give something to someone who I can’t even get ahold of right now? Like what is it in me that wants to still Reach out and give to someone who I have not received from in months and that I literally don’t really even have any way to get ahold of that. So to me, that tells me that there’s something in you that needs nurturing, and need love and needs attention and affection from someone who loves you, meaning you, you, you need to love yourself first, more than wanting to get married to this particular person. So if you start fulfilling your own love first, you know, then the way the universe works is you shift yourself, then that sends the vibration out to the universe. And then if he is meant to come back to you, he will and if he is not, he will not.

Marla Mattenson 45:54

But let’s look at let’s just look at facts. I mean, they were together for a year I said I was going kind they can No, and then they got back here.

Marla Mattenson 46:01

And

Damona 46:02

I’m glad that you went kind. But I do want to also just realize the reality of the situation. He is being very clear about how, what he sees in the future for this relationship. If he blocked you or he changed his phone number, he’s not responding to you. He is saying, I need a clean break here. And there. I just like you said, I don’t see an positive outcome in chasing a relationship that one person does not want to be in.

Marla Mattenson 46:37

Okay, I’ll say something more about that. That so I appreciate that. So the thing is, is

Marla Mattenson 46:43

you either want harmony in your life, or you want suffering, and it’s conscious or unconscious. And when we chase after someone who clearly is sending the message, no, you’re asking for suffering. So if you you know what would happen, let me let sort run through some, some scenarios. My background is in mathematics and neuroscience pattern recognition is my thing. I can run through all the iterations of what might happen, let’s say spreadsheet, let’s

Damona 47:07

do it. You’re talking about language. Okay,

Marla Mattenson 47:10

so what if you dropped off the package at his house and you saw him? Get out of the car, from you know, kissing somebody else? Oh my gosh. And then what you’re standing there with this present, just dropping in a suffering, you’re going to suffer, everyone’s gonna suffer? What is going on inside of you? That you want suffering? And it’s obviously unconscious, because nobody consciously wants suffering. That’s not that’s not what we do. As humans. We don’t consciously want suffering, unconsciously we recreate family patterns. So ask yourself, can you actually receive love from someone who actually loves you? Who wants to build a life together because as soon as you can really let go of this particular person, in your mind, in your heart, and your soul in your body, go do some cleanses or something like go on a on a solo journey, take a trip by yourself get go to the local park and look at the flowers, take some time for yourself, and then start loving more and more of who you are. And then that’ll shine out. And you’ll actually attract someone who values who you really are

Damona 48:19

so true. Yeah, and just just just to cap it off. I hear this all the time, like I want. I was in love with this person, and I wanted to marry them. And I just have to remind you, if you’ve said that to a relationship that has ended, you’re not in love with that person. You are in love with the idea of that person. They may are in love with the time you invest in or the idea of marriage or the idea of marriage, but you are not in love with that person. Because if that relationship was going to fulfill all your needs, it would be happening. I’m so

Marla Mattenson 48:49

glad you said that because people fall in love with the idea of a person.

Marla Mattenson 48:54

And we have to really I’ve been married in my

Marla Mattenson 48:56

mind.

Damona 48:59

But it was so Different when I met my husband, and then you look, I swear, you look back at those other relationships and you’re like, how could I thought that that was going to be it for me? So so if you look at it from that perspective, maybe that’ll give you a little bit of hope to that something greater. Yeah is out there for you if you do the work that Marla is recommending, we do have one more question. I want to start. Okay, this is this a little bit different. Jenny says I’ve been divorced for about 10 years, and I’m just getting back into dating. She says when I was 16, I needed an ileostomy. I’m not sure exactly what that is. But she said she needed this position, this medical procedure to save her life. And now she has to wear an external pouch for you know, digestion. So she said her ex had no problems with it. And it didn’t interfere with intimacy. But she’s told guys after a few dates about the pouch, and she’s also waited to tell them in some cases, but in most of the cases, she’s told them the guy ghoster she says, Do I wait until there’s a deep emotional connection and risk being emotionally hurt? Or do I tell them up front and lose the guy sooner than later?

Marla Mattenson 50:12

So you think it’s a great question. I think this is a really like beautiful vulnerable question. Absolutely. And

Damona 50:18

I’m sure a lot of people like maybe you don’t have the the pouch like Jenny does, but maybe you have another mental medical condition or,

Marla Mattenson 50:27

or feeling shame around certain part of your body or something

Damona 50:29

body shame, mental health challenge, whatever it is. Everybody has their something.

Marla Mattenson 50:34

Yeah. How do you do this specific thing is a special case scenario really is.

Marla Mattenson 50:41

I would say,

Marla Mattenson 50:43

it depends on who you are. So knowing yourself, so some people are a little more shy. So Jenny, if you’re more of the shy kind of a person, then I would say wait for a significant amount of time before you share that bowl. detail about your life. If you’re more of like a bold, brazen kind of unapologetic person, then then I would say it very early on, I would go very early because if somebody can’t handle that about you, then they can’t handle you.

Marla Mattenson 51:15

So, bye. Bye, Felicia,

Marla Mattenson 51:18

we don’t need any of that. Right, right. We need people in our lives who accept and love us for who we are. So if you’re the bold, I’m more of the bold type. So I’m the type who, hey, I’m just gonna lay it on the table right now from the beginning. And if you don’t dig that about me, that’s okay. We won’t be friends. And that’s okay, too. You know, we should doesn’t mean literally like,

Marla Mattenson 51:38

No, no, no. No, right. Okay, thank you. I appreciate that.

Marla Mattenson 51:44

don’t deal with it. Hey, what about this?

Marla Mattenson 51:47

You know, and there’s a way to do it, obviously, I’m sure you’re very way more nuanced than what I just tried to say. But really knowing who you are because this is not just about Jenny right? This is about everyone who has that one thing that they don’t Really want to share the beginning they’re not sure. I mean, I actually just wrote an article about, you know how to have difficult money conversations with your partner early in a relationship. And, and so that is it’s so tender to talk about the things that we keep very private, that are just for us that are just for the people who really love and know us. And then we’re opening up to the possibility of a new relationship. You know, on some level, you want to test the waters First, make sure this is someone who’s worthy of that kind of information, not just somebody that you met, that you may be interested in, you know, you want to make sure that it’s on the other side, like there’s one side of it is, who are you? Right? You’re bold, or you’re more shy, where are you in that sort of spectrum? That’s how long you should wait and then also, who’s the other person? Are they worthy of hearing these details? Because you don’t want to just share this with someone who’s gonna go post it on Facebook or Instagram or Snapchat or you know,

Damona 52:58

or Yeah, or judge you and Fairly for it like, right. our listeners have heard me say that on dates early on, people have to earn information that’s right from you. So is it something that you would share with like your coworker on the first day at a new job? Is it something that you would tell the person on the bus next to you? If it’s not, then maybe you wait until that you feel that you’ve you’ve earned a little bit of trust in that person? Yeah, they have earned a little

Marla Mattenson 53:26

and also you can be playful with it. Yeah, right. Yes, like transform it into a superpower. Like, oh, oh, you still use some digestive juices to digest your food. That’s amazing. Because mine totally goes into a bag. Yeah. I’m saying like you could do or whatever your particular bag is. You know, some people have a philosophy bag. People have different things. So you can use your quirky thing as a way to be playful with it.

Damona 53:57

Yeah, and some people like her situation. is sort of invisible until she becomes intimate, right? There are people I know that are dealing with very, very visible disabilities challenges, like I had a client who had a very pronounced stutter. That got worse when he was attracted to someone or, you know, sexually, you know, interested. And what we worked out with him is for him to acknowledge it just right right away, but to also turn it into a compliment. So he’d say, I’m sorry, I, I have a stutter. And and I actually stutter more around beautiful women. And so then it became sort of brought them it’s almost going back to what you were saying about putting your partner on your team it put your date on your team. Yeah. So that you acknowledge the elephant in the room, but at the same time you brought that person into it?

Marla Mattenson 54:46

Yes. And then it’s not made into a problem. And here’s the thing. The other piece that I want to say is, if you make your own and it doesn’t sound like you are Jenny, I’m just saying, if if you’re making your own thing, A problem, then that’s the energy that’s going to come through how you communicate it. So before you communicate it, you want to make sure that you’ve made best friends with whatever issue it is that you have, so that you can bring it to the table as not this big huge issue. But as just this is just me,

Damona 55:19

this isn’t is it? You know, it’s just a thing. Yeah. Yeah. This is such great, great advice. Marla, I’m so glad you could be here to share all of your wisdom with us. And this is such valuable information for people who are both dating and in relationships. And if you go into a new relationship, using some of the tools and techniques that Marla just shared, I’m telling you guys, you’re going to have a completely different experience of it. You can find Marla and Julian colker on social media at the intimacy experts. You can find her online at Marla martinson.com will also be sure to put those links in the show notes. Thank you so much for being here. Marla.

Marla Mattenson 55:59

Thank you so much. Much. Also don’t forget,

Damona 56:01

you still have time to find a date for Valentine’s Day. So if you are ready to date differently in 2020, but you don’t know how to get started, the 30 day dating playbook could be your solution. I’m just going to go out on a limb and say it is your solution. And it has worked for so many of my clients before and it works quickly. 90% of my clients last year, left my programs dating someone exclusively in as little as eight weeks. So give yourself this gift, get yourself launched into a relationship and maybe even snag a date before Valentine’s Day. You can find that at 30 day dating.com. And that has all of the five steps that I lead my private clients through that help them to go through their dating funnel figure out where they’re looping and get themselves into the relationship that they dream of. And it’s 30 days it’s self led so you have no excuses go to 30 day dating.com And I’ll put the link to the 30 day dating playbook in the show notes as well. And for those of you who want more love support, but maybe you’re not ready for the playbook. We will be launching a Patreon Friends with Benefits Program in February. So please stay tuned for that we’d love to welcome you into the community. I hope you enjoyed Episode 294 updates and mates again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials. And we’d love to have you join in on the conversation. You can send me your questions for future episodes and you can leave us a review like darlin, Nikki. And also don’t forget to share this episode with a friend who needs to hear Marla’s unbelievable relationship advice. Thank you so much for listening until next week. Wish you happy dating

Co-dependency & Contagious Love

DON’T PAINT YOUR RED FLAGS GREEN

Here’s a question we have to ask for today’s show: do you feel like you’re always having your boundaries tested? Are you struggling to figure out how to get your needs met in a relationship without it turning into co- dependence?

Then, friends, you need some Carla Romo in your life.

Carla is a nationwide speaker, certified dating & relationship coach, and author of the book Contagious Love. You’ve seen her on BRAVO, Cosmo, Bumble, Lifetime, and more

She’s here to help us understand red flags and co-dependence.

More on that later, first we have headlines!

DATING DISH (2:30)

Do you have accent bias?

Have you ever heard the words, “he was so sexy until he opened his mouth”? According to Refinery 29, a recent study reveals that accent bias might be the reason behind this

What to expect when you are dating someone with a mental health diagnosis

The Tinder Blog writes a very honest guide to navigating dating someone with a mental health diagnosis. Damona and Carla have thoughts.

Should you be looking for marriage?

Amanda Seales reveals that she’s not looking for marriage and most millennial women aren’t either. Damona breaks it down.

CONTAGIOUS LOVE (14:60)

Carla Romo, dating coach, love-life cheerleader, and author of the book, Contagious Love, has so much to share on healthy relationships.

Carla’s philosophy is that the most important relationship you have is with yourself, and it sets the tone for every relationship you have in your life.
Feeling stuck and stagnant
Codependency
Boundaries
Don’t paint your red flags green

TECHNICALLY DATING

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

I’ve been online dating for about a month and the conversations with 3 guys have been taken offline. While Online the messaging back and forth was consistent and quick, but offline I feel I’m the one mainly holding the conversations and asking pertinent questions. How do i get more engagement? I’ve practiced the “yes and” role playing from one of your podcast episodes but then there are awkward moments of silence via FaceTime or on the phone. (Btw I let guys know I’m not much of a texter and phone calls are preferred) Help me please! -Andrea
Rachel- I met someone about nine months ago and we had the most amazing connection I’ve ever had with anyone. However, there are circumstances going on in his life that have caused him to not be able to focus on his love life, so we are no longer together. He says his feelings have not changed for me, but these other obligations keep him from being the man that he wants to be and to be fully invested in a relationship. Aka, he’s not ready. How do I get over someone who I expected to live the rest of my life with?