VISION BOARDS ARE WHERE IT’S AT

Today, we’re talking about how vision boards can help you find true love – especially after tragic breakups and infidelity – with Dr. Casandra Henriquez, an intuitive love coach and matchmaker for successful women.

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More on that later, first Damona covers headlines! 

DATING DISH (3:01)

Where all the singles are hiding right now

This week, Damona received a press release from Dating.com explaining the top five countries for dating apps right now: United States, closely trailed by India, then Ireland, the United Kingdom and, Spain. Do these countries surprise you? 

Damona breaks down the full study and explains exactly what it means for you.

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Sex IS the best medicine, according to Dr. Oz

This week, MadameNoire asked for Damona’s comment on Dr. Oz recently “prescribing” sex to couples quarantined. She has thoughts.

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THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

DRAKE FINALLY REVEALED PICTURES OF HIS SON!! Adonis Graham doesn’t look… exactly how we expected but they make such a cute pair. Unfortunately, due to Drake’s recent exposure to COVID-19, he is spending time self-quarantined. Damona had advice for Drake and everyone quarantined from their loved ones.

INSPIRING MANY (12:00)

Dr. Casandra, known as Coach Cass by her fans, has a love story that might be familiar for some of you. After a really big break up, she realized it was time to find the real love she deserved.

  • Finding love after heartbreak and infidelity
  • Putting yourself in the bride mindset
  • Becoming a student of love
  • Making a vision board to find your ideal match

Find Coach Cass at RealLoveNetwork.com and don’t forget to go to get her FREE guide on How to ace the next date at RelationshipsforBusyWomen .com

TECHNICALLY DATING (34:50)

Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • From Mary via voicemail: I’ve been dating someone in another country on a dating app. We’ve been texting, but when we tried to move to phone it sounded very awkward and business-y. I let him know that the call was weird for for me, but now he is hesitant to get back on the phone. I want to do a video chat to see if this person is legit. Is this a good idea?
  • From Instagram: A guy approached me in the supermarket back in the December and we started dating and seeing each other. As time progressed our relationship didn’t, after broaching it he said he didn’t want to settle down yet. I didn’t want to but I distanced myself from him. Then 2 weeks later he messaged to see how I was. We started talking again but I don’t seem to get much from him. I know he likes me but I don’t get if he’s just playing a game?

BETTER HELP

Hey, are you ok?

Like really are you ok?

We have to admit, we’re not really ok with everything going on. We have had to do a lot of adulting in recent weeks but I’ll be the first to admit, this is tough. And there’s no shame in getting help to sort through the complex feelings you are having right now: whether it’s fear for family members, anxiety about being cooped up at home alone, or issues that are bubbling up in your relationship.

It sounds like you need BetterHelp. With Better Help online counseling you can connect with a professional counselor in a safe and private online environment. Since you can’t leave home any way, how convenient is that?

Get help on your own time and at your own pace. Plus you can connect in any of their 4 Communication Modes that works best for you: Text, Chat, Phone & Video  

They have 3000 US Licensed therapists across all 50 states and are Available worldwide.

Plus, anything you share is confidential!

Best of all, it’s super affordable – Dates & Mates listeners like you get 10% off your first month with discount code DATESANDMATES 

So why not get started today? We all need someone to talk to right now. Go to BetterHelp.com/datesandmates so you can fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you’ll love.

 

WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!

Damona  0:12  

Hello lovers, welcome to dates and mates. We are recording this episode during what is week three of a stay at home order for me. And I know we are all in different phases of this pandemic, and of processing just what the heck is happening. I am here at home with my two kids and my husband and fortunately, I already had a home studio. So I’m able to keep making this show for you. And I want you to know that I’m going to be here for you through all of this. This show is about spreading love, and consciousness and we need that more than ever right now. I want to thank all of you who have sent me DMS and told me how this show has impacted you. Special shout out to Lauren and M. And Boyd and everyone who has reached out to me recently on Instagram to send a question or a note, to remind me of the reason why I do this show each week for you. It’s for you. It’s to help you stay positive and focused and compassionate, during what I know is a very challenging time regardless of your relationship situation. So please keep your messages and your questions coming. I am motivated by hearing what you’re going through and how I can help you. Most importantly, if there’s a friend who you think could use this show right now, do us both a favor and share this episode so that we can keep Healing Hearts at a time when we all need it. Love is the most powerful transformation tool. So I encourage you To spread that around, well, social distancing, of course, today’s guest I know you are going to love her name is coach Cass. And with her we’re going to talk about how you can believe in love again. But first I’ll be discussing this week’s headlines including where all the singles are hiding right now and why dr. oz thinks sex is the best medicine plus some advice for those who are quarantined without their loved ones like Drake, then coach Cass my guest and I will be answering your questions like How important is a video chat when you’re long distance dating and and what to do when someone tells you they don’t want a relationship but they won’t stop texting. All that and more on today’s dates and maids. I am pumped up and ready to dish she’s dating

Damona  3:01  

My friends at OkCupid shared that 25% of millennials and Gen Z singles have been on a virtual date. Now, if we remember way back to my 300th episode where I talked about the future of dating and I said video, chat dating is going to become the norm. And we’ve talked about it every week since but here we are. Here we are just a few weeks later, and it’s now the only way to date. Now I do think that eventually it will become a step in the dating process. And not the whole shebang, of course. But when we look at the numbers dating comm also sent me where the top five countries for online dating are. And here where I am in the United States, people are connecting online for dating more than ever. India, Ireland, the UK and Spain round out the top five countries For online dating, and most of these apps have stats about how long people are staying on the app before moving offline. I’m really hoping that we’re seeing a shift, and that people are not moving offline and are taking these social distancing orders very seriously. Believe me, I know. I know the yearning for a relationship. I know that feeling, and that you want to get offline, but trust me, it’s not worth it. And I think this is ultimately going to be a really good thing for dating that were able to slow down the process. If you’ve been listening to the show for a while, you know, I’m all about slow love. And I felt for a while, like dating apps were a runaway train that I couldn’t stop that the speed had gotten so fast, and people were dating so many people at the same time. And stopping that filtering step that I have set for a long time is very crucial before you move offline to really see if there’s chemistry and connection Now we are forced to live in the filtering step. So remember the five step dating funnel, mindset sourcing screening, we’re kind of stuck in screening, but that’s okay. That’s okay. Because you can have presentation online, and you can ultimately have follow through, it’s just that the timelines gotten stretched out a little bit. So don’t lose faith, do use the apps, and try to stay positive about the fact that you’ll be able to build a deeper connection like, like love is blind. During that show, they couldn’t see each other at all. And look, we got some really inspiring marriages out of it. So stay strong and keep dating and keep sending in those questions about that. I did get a question this week from Madame Noire. They said that Dr. Oz was prescribing. I’m just imagining dr. oz with his little his little notepad writing prescriptions he prescribed Sex for couples to bring them closer together. And they asked me is that what I recommend? I’m gonna let you read the entire article I’ll put in the show notes. But I’ll give you a little taste of what I recommended. I think that this is actually a great time. Also, if you’re in a partnership to find creative ways that you can build your connection together, we have all fallen into the Netflix and chill, not just people that are in new situation ships, but those of us in relationships, myself included. I mean, it’s like it’s not Netflix and chill. It’s like Tiger King and chill. A glass of wine and watching TV becomes the default. And look at what an amazing opportunity we have right now. So we can’t go to our our standard dates dinner in a movie that’s off the table. But how can you be more creative? Right now if you’re going to do dinner in a movie and maybe you’re separated from the person that you’re dating right now? Maybe You get dinner from the same place. And then you watch the same movie together. Remember when we used to, like hang out on the phone and watch the TV show after school with our friends and talk about the show that we were watching while we were with them? Yeah, it’s like the same thing. So we can find that nostalgia. You’ve heard me talk about nostalgia, being able to bond to people. That’s a way to do it, watching a movie that you both saw from your childhood or from your teen years or college that you can connect on or do something that’s out of the box. I talked in the article about a sip and paint night. When have you let yourself just be free and be creative, and paint something that had no particular goal to it. Just something that was art for art’s sake. And the great thing about this, and I actually talked about this a little bit in my patreon video training on social distance dating, which I’ll put the link in the show notes for that too. If you haven’t taken this training. It’s, it’s really helpful as we’re moving into this next phase of what dating is going to be for the next few months. And it’s only five bucks to sign up and it supports the show. So I would love for you to become one of my patreon friends with benefits and experience, social distance dating tips, but here’s one of them. If you are planning the date as if you were meeting up together, and how you would prepare for that date, and do sip and paint night and, and then you have something else to focus on. It’s so much pressure for you to just sit across from a stranger on video chat that you’ve never met. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s even more pressure actually than a first date in person, I believe. Because in person you have, you have that chemistry and connection. You have physicality, you have the room, you have. You’ve heard me say this on the show before everything else that’s going on around you that you can look to emulate Comment on and when it’s video chat dating, it’s you and your living room and them and their cat. Okay? So we want to give yourself an outlet. Give yourself something that you can respond to connect to maybe it’s a game a trivia game, maybe it’s it’s sip and paint or you’re drawing each other. I don’t know. You can get as fine and kinky as you want to with it or keep it clean. But I just want you to have fun with it and don’t make it so serious. As we we are social distancing and different phases of this pandemic. I came across a story this week about Drake. And for those of you who don’t know, he actually recently just announced that he has a son, his name is Adonis Graham. He had him with adult movie star Sophie Brousseau. Now if you’ve seen this kid, and we’ll put on the dates and mates blog we’ll put a picture of this kid on the surface doesn’t look a whole lot. Like Drake, he has blond hair and blue eyes. Drake actually took two paternity test just to make sure Drake if you remember, like major Drake is both black and Jewish, his mom was blond, blue eyed. So it’s an it’s not a stretch when you understand genetics to believe that this is his kid, but on the surface is had to make sure, but Drake was separated from his son because he actually spent some time with Kevin Durant, the NBA star who tested positive for Cova 19 a few weeks ago. So out of as they say an abundance of caution. Drake self isolated, and that means that he couldn’t even be around his son and I know some of you, some of you may be listening to the show from the bed dealing with Cova 19 or something that you believe maybe Cova 19 and can’t even get a test for it. And that’s, that’s tough to. So we have to keep in mind that people are in all different phases. Have this. And if you are separated from someone that you love, it’s important for you to still just keep them in your thoughts and keep in contact the way that you can. If you can only I have a friend that actually has Cova 19. And she’s having trouble with just talking and breathing. So if all she can do is send an emoji to her daughter to let her know that she’s thinking of her, that can go a long way to continuing to keep the bond alive, so that we can all be together on the other side of this. Speaking of being together, we’re gonna take a break and I hope you will stick around. When we come back. I have coach Cass and I swear she is so inspiring. I am so lucky that I came across her and her wisdom and I can’t wait for her to tell you how you can believe in love again, stay with us. I am here Dr. Cassandra Henriques. She’s also known as coach Cass by her fans and followers. She’s an intuitive love coach and matchmaker for successful women. And she’s the creator of the love deck and the real love network, premier private community for single professional women. Please help me get big smooches to coach Cass.

Coach Cass  12:21  

What’s up Damona? Hey, ladies.

Damona  12:24  

felt bad. I’ve found that love across the miles and I’m just so glad that you’re here spreading the love and the joy because we need it right now. Coach Cass Oh,

Coach Cass  12:35  

yes. That

Coach Cass  12:38  

the Rona has us in its clutches but love will get us through!

Damona  12:41  

. So I want to start out with your own story because I know you’ve been on this journey for a minute coach Cass Yes. And you’ve been you’ve been in the highs of love and the lows of love. But just for a lot of people right now that may be unreal. relationships that they’re trying to figure out like, is this. Is this the one is this the right thing? Can you start with the prior relationship? Okay, we’re in and how it’s led us to where we are today. Right?

Coach Cass  13:13  

Well, once upon a time, Yo, I was dating a guy that I thought was the one. How many of us have thought somebody was the one before? All right. So we were dating I helped him build business girl, I went into debt for him. Why? Because you know, this was the person I was supposed to marry. So we traveled and everything and I remember one Christmas Eve, getting a call from a mutual friend and he’s like, hey, Cass Are you sitting like know what’s up?

Damona  13:38  

that’s never a good sign.

Coach Cass  13:43  

So I am, I sit down and he says, you know, that guy that you think is the one that’s so amazing? I’m like, Yeah, what about him? He’s married. Yeah, so how did he How did we wait, how did he even know? Dude, so, so essentially, he ended up going to like his house and coming across his wife like it was a whole It was like a whole thing. So they ended up having to Oh my

Damona  14:12  

god, how did you met this guy? Originally?

Coach Cass  14:15  

I originally met him through a network marketing company girl, you know, everybody’s so driven and well known. So I had gone on the company trips, we had been together at every briefing meeting, whatever. So you know, the last thing I think if somebody is married, if you’re told me around, everywhere, in front of everybody, yes, notice anything.

Damona  14:34  

Everybody was just like, well, copacetic Yeah. And was this a situation like he was married but separated or he was like, married, married?

Coach Cass  14:44  

So according to this friend, this woman was still around around, right. And so for me, that was tough, you know, so, and there’s a whole nother side to this story that I won’t even get into but it turns out that he replayed that story. Many times to other women, right? Which I found out later, which is a bit scary. So I wasn’t the only one. So it’s not that he was just cheating on his wife, but he was like cheating with many people, not just me. So here it is. I thought I was the only one when I was just one of them.

Damona  15:18  

Wow, that must have been so devastating for you to because in your mind, you built up this whole life. And then it just all comes crashing down. How did you move forward after that?

Coach Cass  15:28  

That was tough. So just think about it. So I left him, but then I still had a debt because of him that was still with me. And then it was the shame and the guilt. Nobody was calling me to say how stupid I was. But I felt like I was getting a phone call every day and that was me calling myself right. How many times do we beat ourselves up about our stupid decisions? So for me, I was in a dark place for a really long time. And one of my defining moments came when I got like my 29th wedding invitation. You ever feel like everybody was getting married, like Like everybody

Coach Cass  16:01  

was like, why not me?

Coach Cass  16:02  

Exactly. Right? What’s wrong with me? Exactly. And it didn’t matter, their age, their stage, their race, their weights, you know, all the excuses that we think we have. I’m like, Look, I’m cute, right? What’s going on here? And that’s when I decided really to become a student of love. I said, Look, you know, just like I invest in my business, my fitness, my travel, right? I need to invest in my love life. And that’s when I decided to become a student of love. So I read I consumed every relationship book I could find. I went to marriage conferences Dimona as a single woman.

Coach Cass  16:36  

Like there’s, you know, those cutouts where you put

Coach Cass  16:38  

your face in, I had my face in the bright spot and the groom spot was empty, and everybody’s like, guess where’s the groom? Like, he’s coming girl. He’s coming,

Damona  16:46  

right? That’s a lot of faith is a lot of he’s still coming even after what you went through.

Coach Cass  16:53  

Yeah. And the thing is that I kept dating and so the relationships really didn’t get better. I didn’t matter. I didn’t date anybody. So married, but you know, you know, it’s bad when you’re like, oh, let me try something new. Don’t do that, right. Data people I was absolutely unattracted to it was just bad. And so I really had to hit a pause button to get my love life. Right, starting with me, you know, and that’s really what started me on the path to doing what I do now. Yeah.

Damona  17:22  

Wow. And so keeping that faith alive, and I, I’ve seen your TED talk. I know you also did a vision board, right?

Coach Cass  17:32  

Yeah, it’s a vision board. Okay. So once upon a time, I was dating a guy, and I remember cooking dinner, which I don’t do often. Right. So that was a special night and I was cooking dinner and he came into the kitchen and I remember looking at my vision board because it was on my wall in the kitchen because I lived by myself so I could put it where I want to right so it was on my vision board on in the kitchen and I remember looking at the vision board looking at him looking at the vision board looking at him, and I started crying. And I remember him embracing me and saying what was wrong cast? What’s going on? I said, You’re him. He said, Who? I said, You’re him. He’s like, What are you talking about? Like, look at my vision board. And literally, I still have this vision board to this day. This man was to the tee, the man on my vision board from the experiences we had to how I felt to the way he looked. It was it was creepy. It was like uncanny. It was just like, wow, and now that man today is my husband and we live a life. That was exactly what was on my vision board. Now. I do believe in the way that you do the vision board in order for that to happen. But yes, it definitely happened for me and yes, I love helping women do the same, huh?

Damona  18:50  

Well without getting into a whole vision board workshop. Yes. Can you give like your top two or three tips Yes. on how to make that vision board with purpose. We have time right now, we might as well do a little mind, dork and

Coach Cass  19:03  

visualization are all right ladies. So for all of you listening, I want you to just close your eyes. And I want you to think about how you want to feel in your ideal relationship, right? What are the emotions that you want to feel in the right relationship? Is it joy, happiness, peace, excitement, passion, security, like how do you want to feel? I think one of the biggest things damona is that we mess up and we put this list of you know, six figure income earner this size shoe this size, body parts, you know, flat stomach,

Coach Cass  19:42  

no kids, you know, I know receiving a very

Damona  19:47  

different body part but yeah, yeah, I know you’re talking about you

Coach Cass  19:50  

know what I’m talking about girl. Alright, so, passport, you know, we we took no guts, you know, we focus on these things that really don’t matter. At the end of the day, right, so if somebody has a good we can exercise together if they don’t have a passport, I can help you apply. You know, we focus on all the wrong things. So I really believe it starts with your emotions and how you feel because when we get in tuned with how we feel, when we’re around someone, when we take time to get to know someone, you know, when we get in tune with that, that intuitiveness our gut instinct, I believe it really leads us in the right direction. Too often do we look at the checklist of well, oh, no, he has two kids and an ex wife. I don’t know, before we even say hello. Does that make sense?

Damona  20:37  

Yes. And I am so on board with everything you said about getting into the feeling my listeners have heard that before. Like what do you want to feel like with this person and put aside the physical Yeah. And get into that, that emotional place with that person and drill down into what is really important and so much of the time, I find that it’s just even stepping back To say, what do I want like right that that people who listen to the show no I do Fung Shui as well not I don’t I’m not a Fung Shui like expert. I practice punctuate with my Fung Shui expert. And I really believe like some of it is where you play stuff. The same with the vision boards. So much of it, though, is the intention behind it is taking the time to organize your thoughts or organize your stuff, or create the vision board. And I just did mine. I just shared it on Instagram a couple of weeks ago. free time. Really just like taking that moment to think about well, well, what is it? And maybe even I mean, how much of this was going back into your past relationships and examining like Were there any red flags before that I missed? Were there any signs? How do I how do I let that stay in the past and move forward in the future in another way?

Coach Cass  21:56  

Right. One of the big issues I see right is that us women know exactly what we don’t want. But when I start to ask women, well, what do you want? You know, when I talk to my clients, but what do you want? They’re like, Well, let me tell you, I don’t want what happened with Billy or Johnny or Rashid. And it’s like, Wait a second, I’m focusing on what you do want and they’re like, Well, you know, coach, guys, I’ve never been in a healthy relationship, or have never seen a healthy relationship. And it’s really tough, right? Where are we learning about healthy relationships in a romantic comedies? Right, I call it rom com itis is suffering from this disease, where we all kind of want to be rescued by this Prince Charming that might slap us around, but he’ll sweep us off our feet in the end, and it’s just like, no, Focus. Focus on what’s real.

Damona  22:41  

Yes. And I imagine that is part of what helps you build this real love network that you

Coach Cass  22:48  

tell us a little bit about that. Real love. Oh, oh, I’m searching for that for you love. Okay. My day job. singing

Coach Cass  23:06  

I am a first Hey,

Coach Cass  23:10  

it goes down in history right here on dates and mates.

Coach Cass  23:14  

So I yeah, I started the real love network because I had a business coach, right. So I believe that every coach deserves a coach. Every therapist needs a therapist, all of that, right. So my coach was saying, well, what’s the best way that you could really serve your clients? And yes, I have private clients and monthly clients and all that, but the way I side is just that, you know, we’re all in different stages of this love journey, and many of my clients would have seen is, it’s like the blind leading the blind, so you might have a good girlfriend, but she’s really not that great, right? She’s not giving you good advice. And yes, you might know married people, but they haven’t been on a date in 27 years. So the real love network is really to support you from self love to real love. So it’s like, if you’re scared to date, if you’re dating, if you’re trying to choose the It’s like being able to have a supportive community that doesn’t judge you. And this process but uplifts you, so we look at the whole woman, which I believe is a wanton woman, right? All my ladies are wanted women achieving new tribes every day, right? So now it’s like to figure out, who do you want and keeping you accountable to that because I know you’ve seen this right? Women will say, Well, you know, I want this great relationship, but then do everything to sabotage it. So it really is that home base to say, Okay, well, am I messing up? Or am I doing this thing right? and holding your hand through the process?

Damona  24:35  

That’s so important, especially right now when a lot of people are sort of dating in a vacuum, right? We don’t have. We don’t have our friends at work to go and show our Tinder swipes to and ask them their opinion. So having a network of people that are going through the same thing, virtually is really important. Let’s say you have made a connection I assume online right now because unless you’re a like going to the park and meeting people from six feet away, right? I think that the dating apps are kind of the biggest game in town right now. And based on the numbers that we’re seeing, and the increases in new users and conversations, that’s definitely what people are turning to, to to to date. When you are ready to move on to a let’s say virtual date right now. What are some tips that you have for being able to make a connection with a stranger we don’t even have like that physical attraction Really? To to key off of

Coach Cass  25:36  

how do you get going? Now you know, love is blind has been a very popular show on Netflix. All right, so you can connect with someone emotionally via conversation. I just got a recent client she’s she was talking to someone for three months and never met them now in regular life. This is a problem, right? So they were in Turkey. They said they were coming to visit you know all the red flags and regular life and I’m like, Okay, I think this guy is a catfish, but she totally was in love with this guy that she was on the phone with for three months. So it can happen where you can connect with someone emotionally. So it really is to understand first the attraction. So online dating profile picture, then it’s, you know, can I kick it with this person on the phone like a friend? Can we just talk about anything? Can we just have a good time? And then, you know, there’s that that backup of Okay, so what country do you live in? Or what state do you live in? And it might even be a small background check. If you find that you’re getting a little bit serious. Jason? Yeah.

Damona  26:39  

I do think that it’s cool right now that we can expand our dating criteria like I live in Los Angeles and my clients here, like won’t date beyond a 10 mile radius traffic. That could be an hour long distance relationship. But now I’m really encouraging people to expand their search criteria, maybe throughout the state. Or maybe throughout the world because we can and this is a, I think we’ll look back at this time. If we survive it will look back at this time. I know we have to laugh about it because that’s laughing to keep from crying. But if we come out of this on the other side, I think we’ll kind of look back at this as almost like this magical time that we won’t get back of when we could date differently. We could expand our search criteria, we could date someone in another country and let that be okay and see if we can make a connection. But I want to get really tactical too on how to start conversations. I know you’re the creator of the love deck. Tell us what the love deck is and give me a couple of of good conversation starters when you are building from from from virtual scratch.

Coach Cass  27:53  

Alright, so I created the love deck damona really because I realized, just think about it. What are the conversations We have a normal day to day life. What do you want to eat? and good night? You know, like, most conversations around food? Yeah, how was your day what you’re watching? And and, and that’s about it right and and we don’t really learn anything and I find that most of the times, you know we date in a bubble and so we don’t ask real questions. It’s just that chemistry and the physical attraction. And then you go from there and then you’re engaged and married like, oh, wait a second did I choose right and this whole situation? So the love deck is really to help you think of more meaningful conversations like Where did you learn about money? Right, like, hmm, or where did you learn about love? How important is sex to you? You know, there’s simple things that we really don’t ask or proud about. How do you feel about children? You know, that’s always like a touchy subject. But we wait until we’re knee deep to say, Oh, you don’t want kids but I do. Well, how about we talk about these things a little bit early. Earlier, right? Especially since you know, most women are getting older in age and so you know, we don’t have time to waste on people who aren’t in line with our true values. So it’s better to find out early but not in a quizzical type of interview manner. It’s more of a game. More of Hey, you know, I just got this love deck, you know, these are some pretty cool questions. So let’s pick from the deck and see where we fall. Right? And for those who are religious, it’s like, well, what do you normally do on a Sunday morning, right? So it’s like, just finding out what people’s beliefs are. I have a client, right? So she’s a Christian woman, and the guy she was dating, she overheard him talking to a friend saying, Oh, no, I don’t believe in marriage. That’s just a piece of paper. She’s like, Wait a second. I believe it’s a covenant of God. Like, wait a second, you know, and they didn’t really have that conversation. Here it is. She thought she’s on the road to marriage. And then he’s like, Oh, yeah, I guess we could sign it if you want to, like, no, this doesn’t work. So it’s really being able to have more meaningful conversations about what really makes As tick versus just you know what else is on TV or on Netflix?

Damona  30:04  

I love that and it makes it so fun. Like you said, it’s sort of gamified these important questions because people are always asking me like, how do I, how do I bridge that conversation? How do I let him know that I want kids sooner rather than later or that I’ve been married three times before? Whatever you’re scared to share. I like that you’re making it fun so people can get the love deck on your webs website,

Coach Cass  30:32  

inspire many Yeah, inspire many.com.

Damona  30:36  

We’ll put that in the show notes. So you’re you’re a prolific creator, Coach cast. I know you’re all you’re creating. And you’re also you’ve written a book we were talking about, about, like the ROM coms and the story fairy tales, and I talked about that a lot on this show, too. But it’s hard for a lot of women that don’t even Seeing themselves reflected in the fairy tales. So tell us about this new new book that you’re writing and why you’re doing it.

Coach Cass  31:08  

All right. So let me give you a little background on Mona. So I, my daughter was turning three and it was my first time trying to throw a birthday party at school. I’m sure you’re probably an expert by now but this was my was my first time and my daughters have a darker hue. So I thought it would be cool right to have a princess have a darker hue because everybody loves princesses. Now, what was disheartening is that I could find nothing. I searched the internet I went to stores. I went everywhere. everybody’s like, Oh, well, what about Princess Tiana honey? She has no birthday cups and plates, which is crazy. And so I really started to realize like, Oh my goodness, on television, there’s nothing there’s no one anywhere when it comes to being cool as a black princess. So I went to lunch with a friend and I was just doing a mock up of a princess and I showed it to her and then I showed it to my daughter Ava and my Data Eva looks at the picture. She looks at her hand. She looks at the picture. She looks at her hand. She says, Mommy, I don’t want this one. I want the other one. I want the white one. To Mona, my girlfriend is white. And she was just like crying. She was just like, I didn’t know I didn’t I didn’t know it was that deep, right. So just go back to the black doll versus the white doll. It’s not that the kids really thought that white was better. But the fact that you don’t see black on TV represented really represented like I wanted to Macy’s Kohl’s, dillards if you go into the children’s section, you will see Elsa, Ana, vamp arena, Peppa Pig, all these other things, but there is no black princess on the clothing, which is a pig for you’ll see the pig okay? You’ll see all these other things but no black princess when every little girl wants to be a princess. Just think about it. In terms of white princesses. We have every variation in every color hair, right? But a black princess. We have one and she was a restaurant. To write and a frog for the entire movie. So I am on a mission right now to create a black Princess, the new favorite princess for every little girl. So just like black girls can dress up like Elsa and I want white girls to dress up like princesses are. So I am on a movement I want this to be a cartoon shirts, TV, everything right? And the first step is the book. So princess are his birthday tradition is out on April 8. And I just pray that everyone really supports it to become a best seller and to push it to really become the movement of representation that it needs to be and not to stop there. There needs to be more but you know, this is just to get the foot in the door. Yeah,

Damona  33:43  

that is so awesome. And like you said representation matters. And I really feel like it does impact the way that we feel about ourselves the way that like I have a lot of black women that listen to the show that have internalized some of these messages that we’ve been getting since the time we were all little girls and, and there’s love, like for everyone like you were saying at the beginning, you know there’s there is there is a happy ending for everyone and there is a match for everyone and we have to see it so we can believe it and continue to promote it out in the world. Coach Cass This is such great advice. I I’m, I feel so fortunate that that we have connected and that we can share your wisdom with our dates and Nate’s audience. We’ll put the link to all of your goodies in the show notes and inspire many. But before we let you go, we have questions that our listeners have submitted for our final segment of the day.

Coach Cass  34:42  

Oh snap.

Damona  34:50  

Here we go. Coach Cass we have two questions. The first came to us from Mary who by the way, guys, she left me a voicemail. I totally want to hear your voices. And I do, I will text you back, we can get into a little dialogue about what you’re going through. And I’d love to hear your voices and put them on the show. She’s feeling a little shy, so we’re just gonna, we’re gonna read her question, but if anyone wants to call me, you can call me or text me. 424246255 leave me a voicemail there. So Mary says, I’ve been dating someone in another country on a dating app, we’ve been texting, but when we tried to move to phone, it sounded very awkward in business he I let him know that the call felt weird for me. And now he’s hesitant to get back on the phone. I actually want to do a video chat to see if this person is legit because I really feel like we’re connecting. But I’m wondering if this is a good idea. What do you think about this? We’re just talking about like long distance dating. I mean, let’s let’s just first break break down like you’d said earlier the signs of a catfish So what are some of the signs that you tell your clients to look out for?

Coach Cass  36:04  

The Okay, so if they live in another country one all right, can we see actual pictures that don’t look photoshopped to is what’s their name? Can you look them up online? Three? Are they making excuses of why you can’t meet in person? Right for Can you never get together on FaceTime? Right? Like I need to be able to see you, especially if you’re in another country and all we’re doing is chatting on the phone or via text. To me that’s a that’s a big sign that that’s not okay. So I need to be able to see you via FaceTime and when I call you answer right away, so all of those things, you know, it’s a big test when someone lives out of the country just because we’ve kind of been scarred by all these catfishing people that have nothing better to do with their time. It’s It’s It’s bad out there Dimona. It’s real bad. So yes, I would say to this young lady that okay if it seemed a little too busy Like remember that different cultures? People speak differently? Right? So maybe he was a little bit more formal. So I would say let’s do the FaceTime because at the end of the day, what I tell my clients, if you’re looking for a lifetime relationship, let’s not waste the time right? So I understand you like the connection of chatting on the phone or, or texting on the phone. But you know, looking for a pain, a pen pal, you’re looking for a lifetime relationship. And if that’s the true time to get face to face, and if you can’t do it in person, do it via FaceTime or WhatsApp or any of the other apps. Yeah,

Damona  37:35  

yes, I totally agree with you. And I think it’s a good idea to schedule these video chats like big headline of the episode y’all. big headline. When you are moving from the chat to either a phone call or the the video, chat within the date or off the date, make sure that you are setting the time so you’re not catching someone off guard and that you’re also like prepping yourself. Because Well, this is what I think we forget while they’re filtering us be cute. Firstly, always be cute. But while you’re filtering them, they’re also filtering you. They’re they’re making judgments too. So make sure you’re really ready and that you’re speaking at a time when you both can be most present. Based on the full voicemail, it sounds like this guy somehow got a little bit uncomfortable with the after the phone call. And it could be it could be that he’s hiding something. It could also be sometimes the language barrier like even though someone might sound like they’re speaking really well in your language to you. It might be a real challenge for them to find the words and it that he could be reacting to that. So I don’t know coach cast like How hard would you push it because it sounds like from the voicemail she left me that he’s sort of hesitant now to even get on the phone or to do the video chat. But she’s like, do I invest more time in this texting relationship?

Coach Cass  39:08  

Until I know, the thing is that they had a genuine connection, right? So to me, it’s not, it’s not bad to push it, just push it a little bit, try and get on the phone and see if that connection is still there. Because the last thing you want to do is let something go just because of apprehensions on his part, you know, so just help him to feel more at ease, say, Hey, you know, no judgement. I just want to see you I have so much time from texting with you. And you know, for us to move forward. I’d love to see you. And if he doesn’t want to do that, then Okay, we got to let this thing go girl.

Damona  39:45  

Yeah, you laid it out in the perfect way to like I talked about inspiring him to show up for you. So saying like, I really just want to see your face and making it more about I’m invested in this connection to and I’m really interested in you and I think you’re really great as opposed to like, I need to assess the situation which you may not be thinking you sound like but you know, reread some of those texts because context can sometimes get lost as well. Coach cast I have one more question for you. This one came to came to us from Instagram. This lady said, a guy approached me in the supermarket back in December, and we started dating and seeing each other Doesn’t that sound like it sounds like a lifetime ago based on like how we lived our lives in December now. So she says as time progressed, our relationship didn’t after broaching it he said he didn’t want to settle down yet. I didn’t want to but I distanced myself from him. Then two weeks later, he messaged to see how I was. We started talking again, but I don’t seem to get much from him. I know he likes me, but I don’t get if he’s just playing a game

Coach Cass  40:59  

sound Like games to means a Mona right. So, she said what she wanted, he said what he wanted and like Maya Angelou says, right, you know, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So at the end of the day, yeah, no, that’s not the person for you. He’ll take up your time. Everybody, you know, somebody likes to take up your time,

Coach Cass  41:21  

especially now allowing them yeah.

Coach Cass  41:22  

It’s you allowing them to do that, right. So I’d

Coach Cass  41:25  

say let that one go. Until he figures himself out, like otherwise keep it moving. My whole thing about it is keep dating until you’re married, like, forget it. Like we don’t have time to be exclusive for three years for somebody to figure it out if I’m your wife or not. No,

Coach Cass  41:42  

no, no, no, no.

Coach Cass  41:44  

No, we need to keep dating. That’s it. Just keep dating right dates and mates just keep dating and mating. And at the end of the day, you’re me. Ma, exactly. And then you just sift them through. It’s like finding the diamond through all this rubble. And so if someone is not proving themselves to really be the one for you like keep it just keep it going and too many times we end up being serial monogamist Oh, well, I’m talking to this guy. So you cut off everything else who

Coach Cass  42:11  

said to cut off everything else. Nobody said to do that. Right? Keep dating. That’s it.

Damona  42:17  

But definitely, and you really hit the nail on the head when you said she said what she wanted. And I think that is the hardest thing for a lot of singles to actually express like, I want a relationship. I would like this to be more serious. That is so challenging to open your heart and say that so I just want to acknowledge and commend her for doing that. But now it’s in then thank you for invoking my favorite quote ever, like you got the answer. Now you have to hear it. And it may be painful and it may make you feel like you’re starting over again. And it may be frustrating, but I guarantee you it’s not as frustrating as if you stayed in the Situation ship for what another month, two months, three months and then ended up in the same situation. So, you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for my Maya Angelou quote. I love it. I love it. I adore you. I am so glad that you were here to share your wisdom on dates and mates.

Coach Cass  43:18  

Thanks for having me. Thank you and

Damona  43:21  

you can find coach Cass and the real love network at real love network COMM And also don’t don’t miss her free giveaway. How to ace the next date. We will put the link to all of that in the show notes but that’s at relationships for busy women.com coach cast. I’m going to get this love deck too. I got I got to hook up these conversation starters. And you said there’s also there’s also some some uplifting, inspiring messages on the back of these cards right

Coach Cass  43:53  

sessions. Yeah, affirmations

Damona  43:54  

we all need all of this. Y’all do your vision boards, get coach cast this stuff. Get yourself on track because we’re in this social distance dating for a minute. But we have the tools to help you through it. Oh, thanks for being here.

Coach Cass  44:09  

Thanks for having me to Moana. Yeah, it’s amazing.

Damona  44:14  

I hope you enjoyed Episode 304 of dates and mates. Again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all of the socials. Please do connect with me. Send me your social distance dating questions. Send me your relationship questions. I love hearing from you guys right now. It’s giving me life to give you love advice, so please keep those questions and those thoughts and the feedback on the show coming. If you haven’t reviewed the show yet, it really does help us reach more people heal more hearts. So go ahead and review this on whichever platform you’re listening and share this show with a friend. And please do join me on Patreon. This is my special community just for my super fans, my friends with benefits and you do get benefits from me. including access to my private Facebook group and a lot a lot of extra dates and maids goodies that you may have missed over the years. I’ve been doing this show for seven years. So I have lots of wisdom to share with you there. And you’ll get access to that video training that I told you about and that’s at the $5 month level. So please join us patreon.com slash dates and mates The link will be in the show notes. Until next week, I wish you good health, good vibes and of course, happy dating but happy social distance dating

 

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