Tag Archive for: not settling

Measuring Matches & Return to Singlehood

In a fast-paced digital age, finding genuine connections can sometimes feel like searching for a needle in a haystack, but could the antidote to your trouble be to lean in, even when you feel like throwing in the towel and date with more intention?

That’s why the word of the week is CLARITY.

Finding love may seem unpredictable to some. “I’ll know it when I see it,” people say. But we call BS on leaving love to chance alone. After 17 years of coaching and writing dating profiles, Damona is convinced intentionality is key to romantic success. To be intentional, you first need clarity – a focused mindset. 

We talk A LOT about intentionality on the podcast and have given some examples in the past of ways to log and analyze your dating data from stat sheets to journaling. Today we are going to introduce ANOTHER way to understand and track what’s really happening in your love life so you can chart your way to the relationship you want.

JILLIAN ROMERO CHAVES (3:46)

Jillian Romero Chaves was a successful automotive industry professional whose experience with a devastating breakup led to a journey of learning, healing and reflecting.

Motivated by her personal experiences, she channeled her passion into creating Clara for Daters, an intentional dating journal app designed to empower individuals to make informed choices and nurture healthy relationships.

(4:20) Clara for Daters is born!

After investing ten years with a cheating partner she had hoped to marry, Jillian Romero Chaves created the reflective journaling app Clara for Daters to empower single people to date more intentionally based on her own experience. 

Motivated by heartbreak, Jillian researched attachment styles and realized she lacked dating self-awareness, often letting attraction cloud her judgment. She designed Clara for Daters with the help of psychologists and experts to help singles be conscious about their relationship choices by tracking insights over time. This provides a framework for singles to learn from the past, take control of their love lives, and build healthy partnerships.

(10:40) Intentionality is key in dating

Jillian explains that Clara for Daters helps singles embrace a slow, intentional approach to dating even when they feel anxious and want a relationship right away. She acknowledges that at 35, her desire to marry and have kids makes it hard to act patiently. But the app allows her to track her dates so she feels closer to her goals, even without the outcome. Jillian says that just because you haven’t met the right person yet doesn’t mean you aren’t getting closer. 

(12:18) Let’s get technical about dating

Jillian describes the scores in the Clara for Daters app as deliverables that show progress. By logging dates and answering questions, you get closer to understanding what you want. “ I can’t hold that person that I’m going to be with in my hand yet. But I can hold this one deliverable, I can come back, refer to Clara, and see that I’ve been logging the dates, and I’m getting closer to understanding what I’m looking for and who that person is.” 

When reflecting on a date, the app often asks yes or no questions, then provides a space for notes. For Jillian, it asked if she found a certain date’s eyes attractive. She had had previous reservations, but said yes to this question. When she began elaborating in the notes section, she realized she had taken his expressive eyes for granted. This process of calling things out and reflecting intentionally builds attraction and self-awareness. 

 

(20.01) Can an app shift your values and intentions about dating?

Jillian explains that going through a difficult breakup and then intentionally reflecting on her patterns with Clara has absolutely shifted her values and intentions in dating. She realized her attraction to her “bad boy” ex was actually based on unhealthy patterns from her past, like people pleasing and trying to perform to keep him happy. It wasn’t real chemistry.

(24:22) Roster Dating 

Jillian explains that “roster dating”, or dating multiple people at once, and using the Clara app to log each date has helped reduce her anxiety and the pressure she feels for a date to work out. 

(26:53) How can we put the loneliness epidemic behind us?

Jillian advises viewing dates as opportunities for social connection which benefit mental health. “So then getting a relationship is not the outcome. It’s me exercising my social connection ability.” Just interacting with new people and avoiding isolation is a win with the loneliness epidemic. Even lackluster dates exercise social skills.

Jillian sees many inconsistent daters endlessly deleting and redownloading apps. She recommends staying consistent but focusing on self-improvement metrics. Define success by getting stronger at identifying what you want, building boundaries, learning your attraction levels – not forcing a partnership. Strengthening your relationship skills is the real “win.”
Be sure to follow Jillian on Instagram @jillianromerochaves and check out the Clara for Daters App!

 

DEAR DAMONA (30:49)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Email from Marsha – Hi, Damona. I’m a 67 year old African American woman who hasn’t dated in seven years, the idea of putting myself out there is doubt and anxiety producing. I’m a totally different person now than I was seven years ago. Is there hope for me?

Dear Damona: STI Sitch & Solo Parent Singles

F the Fairy Tale Pre-Order Giveaway (0:00)

We have some amazing news to share about Damona’s upcoming book “F the Fairy Tale” which will be released on January 2nd: It’s actually available for pre-order AND if you order now you’ll get the Black Friday deal of 25% off and free shipping on orders over $25 now through November 28th. Visit FTheFairyTaleBook.com to pre-order the book and get this awesome deal.

An All Dear Damona (2:10)

We are so excited to welcome any new listeners who may have seen Damona’s recent appearance on The Drew Barrymore Show! Damona has been an OG Drew Crew member since Season 1 and this time, she got to do an epic Girl Talk segment on the largest couch ever with Drew, Tiff Bera and Hannah Burner. They answered audience questions and Damona did her best not to get swallowed by that huge couch.

Whether you found Damona through Drew or have been listening for years, her mission is the same – to help with your love dilemmas!

There’s so much to dive into during today’s jam-packed episode! By popular demand, the Dear Damona segment is back and producer Lindsey joins again for an all Dear Damona episode to tackle your questions about bots on dating apps, safeguards for online dating, commitment issues, dating as a single mom, and more!

Dear Damona (4:51)

(04:58) IG DM from M

What’s the best way to handle guys you are not interested in? Swipe left and the next day they show up again in your like list as a “new here” member. I have several repeat offenders that are constantly liking my profile as a “New Here” member. It seems they may be signing up with new accounts every few days to recirculate the profile pool. It’s really disturbing. Thank you for your time.

(08:51)  IG DM from L

I’m wondering if you’re able to address the topic of how to not date “bad people”. I seem to be a magnet for psychopaths and narcissists. And although I’m getting better at identifying them earlier, I’ve been in a number of very scary situations. How can I avoid these people to begin with? 

(15:57) IG DM from Donna

I’ve been widowed for six years, dating for three. I used a matchmaker at first, but I’ve recently entered the world of online dating. I actually love OkCupid. It’s a great app for me. 

I recently met a man that I really like. We went out and hit it off. But on the first date, he revealed to me that he has herpes. I am unsure about continuing our relationship.I am crazy attracted to him and he seems like a good person. 

It’s so early on in the relationship. I’m leaning towards ending it though. Should I find more out about it and continue or realize that this could just be one of my deal breakers? Honestly, the thought of dealing with it stresses me out.

(21:46) IG DM from Rose:

I am 45 and single. I’m currently struggling with dating. I recently realized when I’m interested in a man that I will go overboard with affection in order to show them how I like to receive affection when their actions do not line up with my expectations for interest or the affection that I want, I start to question the whole relationship.

Currently, I’m in a situation where I’ve done everything he’s mentioned that he needs to feel safe, but I don’t feel like I’m getting the same in return. He told me that I want full relationship interest and affection and that he isn’t there yet. He said he’s open to a relationship with me but doesn’t want to be locked down just yet. In my new understanding of myself, I’ve taken a step back to allow him to show me how he shows interest. But now I’m getting nothing. No flirting, no cute texts. We haven’t even seen each other in over two weeks. Should I save my heart and run? Your thoughts are greatly appreciated!

(29:25) IG DM from M 

Can you please tell me the best way to online date as a single mother? How do I convey to other singles in my online profile that my child and I come as a package and that I don’t have babysitting options such as family or ex partners? And how can I do it all without seeming too pushy or needy?

Have More Questions? (36:38)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, or Facebook and hear Damona’s answers live on  the show! 

Celebrating Singlehood & Tricky Trip

The pressure to settle down by a certain age is an old tale that places unfair expectations on daters. Society pushes this narrative that we must find “the one” and get married before some imaginary expiration date. But settling for the wrong person just to meet society’s timeline is never the answer. Love is a journey that shouldn’t be rushed, a story that unfolds uniquely for all of us.

And that is why our word of the week is TIME.

We often get stuck trying to find the “right” time to find love or settle down. But in truth, all any of us have is the present moment.

In this episode, we’ll discuss societal pressures to settle for less than you deserve. We’ll explore embracing your own path and prioritizing your happiness over external timelines. Our guest this week, Julia Mazur, will share her story of navigating these expectations. Together, we’ll talk about why you should tune out society’s ticking clock and focus on your fulfillment.

JULIA MAZUR (3:16)

Previously a longtime Tinder employee, Julia Mazur is the host of the Pretty Much Done podcast. Her content celebrates singlehood and the freedom that comes with it—the joys of living alone, solo dates, sleeping in on weekends, and choosing yourself first.

Julia went viral after showcasing a day in her life as a single woman without kids. While many women related, others criticized, attacked, and even threatened her. But Julia has overcome it all and continues creating helpful, empowering content.

THE PRESSURE TO SETTLE DOWN  (4:17)

Julia grew up with the message that she needed to get married and have kids young like her mom did. There was innate pressure on her whole life to follow that path. Julia constantly tried to accomplish that goal, but kept finding herself in lackluster relationships, feeling unfulfilled.

She realized she was just trying to meet someone to fill a hole inside herself. “Settling for the wrong person just to fit the mold is never the answer.”

 GOING VIRAL AS A SINGLE WOMAN (5:30)

Julia went viral after showcasing a day as a single 30-year-old woman without kids. She didn’t expect the influx of attention – both positive and negative.

At first, women related to Julia’s video, saying they feel the same pressure to be married with kids by a certain age. But then a right-wing commentator shared the video, unleashing hateful attacks on Julia – calling her names, criticizing her looks. It was a scary place to be. 

But Julia continues to appreciate her independence and the stage of the dating process that she is in.

SOCIETAL PRESSURES ON WOMEN (8:51)

After going viral, Julia realized the pressure she felt to marry and have kids by 30 wasn’t just her culture – it’s felt throughout society. “I realized this is just societal pressure placed on women and it’s really harmful to us because we’re feeling these pressures and then we meet someone and we’re like, okay, I think I’m just going to settle for the next person I meet because people are gonna think that I’m some societal leper if I’m not married at 30.” – Julia Mazur.

Julia believes living true to yourself is most important. She hopes to have a family someday, but until meeting the right partner, she wants to fully embrace life’s joys as an independent woman.

UNATTACHED AUTUMN (12:23)

Julia is doing a 6-month home swap in Austin. While there, she’s “unattaching” from any expected outcomes – especially around dating and relationships.

For so long, Julia used dating apps trying to find her happily ever after. Now she’s freeing herself from that burden. She’ll put herself in new situations that may not have organically occurred in LA. Julia is open to connecting with people in different ways, with no pressure.

Taking off the societal expectation to be married by a certain age has been exhausting. This move will allow Julia to detach and see what unfolds when she lets go of self-imposed pressures.

BEWARE THE “ICK” (19:08)

Julia talks a lot about how it is easier for the “ick” to take hold in online relationships than in-person ones. “If you think about a friend that you’ve met, and a friend wears a shirt that you don’t like or laughs in a weird way, you give them so much more grace than you would some stranger that you met on a dating app.” 

She cautions us to take things slow and be kind in our pursuit of meaningful connections. Placing pressure on a first date to be “the one”, can rob you of the human experience of slowly getting to know someone before deciding if it could work.

 

Follow Julia Mazur on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/pmdpod/ and TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@pmdpod, Check out her podcast: Pretty Much Done

 

DEAR DAMONA

Our Dear Damona segment is returning next week. Submit your questions on Instagram, X, or Facebook

and hear Damona’s answers live on  the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

  • Instagram Message from S – Hi! I love your podcast, and it’s been a great resource since I started exploring dating again after a 10 year relationship ended. I have a question: in a month I have a trip out of the country with a friend who’s also a casual partner. We’re not compatible in the long term (she’s non-monogamous and I’m not interested in that in my next LTR). 

I’ve also been dating with the intention of meeting someone who I want to have a committed, LTR with. I’ve recently met someone who checks all of my important boxes. We’ve only been on a couple dates, but I’m thinking ahead a bit and wondering how to handle the situation with the trip. Everything is paid for, and I’m committed. If I’m still seeing this potential partner, I’m not sure how to address the situation. I don’t want to lie, either directly or by omission, but I also worry about sabotaging things. On the other hand, I’d be letting my friend down and throwing away a significant amount of money if I skip the trip. What’s your advice?