Tag Archive for: dating in real life

Dear Damona: Rubbish Texter & Dating Racism

 

We have covered a LOT of topics over the last 5 months – from building your own relationship with columnist and author Dan Savage to the challenges faced in interracial dating with Rachel Lindsey of the Bachelorette.

At this point, we can confidently say that if there is one thing Damona has in common with you all, it’s a thirst for knowledge. And boy, does that manifest in the number of emails, DM’s and voice memos we get from all of you.

But hey, we are NOT complaining! While we love bringing you the most up to date and helpful information on all things dating, our favorite thing is still answering your questions directly. And that’s why we’ve decided to do an all Dear Damona episode today! 🎉

DEAR DAMONA (3:10)

 

(3:42) Voicemail from Alexis: Hi, Damona. My name is Alexis. So really, I have a big problem with moving past a scarcity mindset. So how do I remain positive that there are people out there, especially considering that I haven’t had much experience in dating? In addition to that, the past three years have been pretty rough with the pandemic. I’m also still figuring out my career. Really what it boils down to is I don’t feel successful enough really to be dating. I want to focus more on my career. But at the same time, I also want to make up for lost time that I spent not dating prior to the pandemic. How can I feel successful enough to feel comfortable dating?

 

If you want to dive a little deeper on building self-love and confidence, check out Damona’s episode with author and life coach Michelle Elman.

 

(10:35) Voice Memo from C: What do you do when you’re in the early stages of dating and he seems keen in every other way, except for the fact that he’s a rubbish texter? Now, he is a doctor who works shift work. So I’ve been inclined to give him a little bit of a pass. But we could be having a conversation, he’s texting back, and then all of a sudden it takes him like two or three days to reply, which seems a bit crappy. So what do you do there? Do you just kind of continue to go on the dates but just have lower expectations? Do you keep exploring other options, or do you playfully call him out on it?

 

This question is a doozy – but if you want more texting tips, Damona did a recent interview with fellow dating coach Blaine Anderson. Damona and Blaine also go into more detail about how to avoid the Texting Trap.

 

 

(17:10) Voicemail from B: Hey Damona! I just got back onto Tinder after a breakup a couple months ago, and it’s going pretty well. I had three solid first dates with three different guys this past weekend. And yet, I’m still curious about some of these other guys I’ve matched and had communication with on the app. I live in a huge city with tons of options, which can be obviously a blessing and a curse. So how do you know when to stop looking? And then beyond that, do you just go on second dates with all of these people, assuming that they’re actually into you? And then do you disclose this to them? Is that type of transparency respectful or is it unnecessary?

 

Getting back on the apps after a hiatus? Then you’ve GOT to download Damona’s Profile Starter Kit – only free for a few more months!!

 

(23:50) Voice Memo from B: Hi Damona, I have a question. So there’s this guy that I met through Facebook. We follow each other on a couple of different social media platforms. And we flirt and we text back and forth sometimes, but he’s never asked me on a date. So to me, I was kind of thinking I was friendzoned. Well, he just invited me to his 40th birthday party. And now I’m a little bit nervous about going because it would be our first time meeting each other with all of his family and friends there. Do you have any advice? Am I thinking too much into it? So anything you have to say would be helpful.

 

 

(28:45) Voicemail from Cautiously Open: Hi Damona! So as a black woman, I have always found beauty in all ethnicities, but have always felt more comfortable with black men. As of late, I’ve been really feeling like maybe I should expand my horizons and be open to dating outside of my race. But the one race that kind of scares me to be in a relationship with is white men. While I’ve met some really nice white men, with everything that has gone on in the political arena in Charlottesville, it has really scared me. To the point where I’m just like, well, what if he’s okay, but his friends or his family are racist? How do I fully open myself up to the idea of being in a relationship with a white man, knowing that there’s a possibility that I would be encountering racist people? I’m open to being with whomever or whatever ethnicity, but that’s the one thing that scares me. I also find that when I’m out, those are the men that look at me. So if white men are finding me attractive, I don’t want to reject them for fear of my assumption. How do you navigate that?

 

(37:35) Voicemail from Ms. M: Hi Damona, I’m a 43 year old pansexual cisgender female. I spent the last eight months not dating to become very clear about what I want going forward. I listen to Dates & Mates every week and read Myisha Battle’s This Is Supposed To Be Fun. Right now I’m looking for respectful and empathetic folks with aligned values that I can go on fun dates with as well as explore my sexuality with. Ultimately, I would love to find a Shibari partner. For me practicing Shibari means getting to know someone and establishing trust. This will not happen within the first few dates. I don’t want first date sex or hookups, however, I also don’t want a long term relationship. I want a lover I can continue to explore with. How do I convey this in my profile? I found that if I write I like Shibari, my matches tend to take the in-app convo to a very sexual place before meeting IRL. I’ve thanked and released a few of these matches already. Damona, I want to practice slow love and explore my kinks and sexuality. Is this possible? Also can you explain slow love some more? Is sex on date five within three weeks of meeting too fast? I know it’s different for everyone. Thank you so much!

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers live on a future all-Dear Damona, or another episode of Dates & Mates!

Multiamory & Short King Spring

 

Look, relationships aren’t one size fits all. We each have unique needs and desires, origin stories and goals. And with so many people out in the world today, there seems to be a match (or two, or three) for everyone out there. That coupled with the fact that relationships are no longer solely a financial commitment means you really can build your own. That’s part of the beauty in dating today, we have choice.

We can choose to be in a monogamous relationship, to be multiamorous OR to be lifelong bachelors and bachelorettes. And of course, there are even lifestyles in between. We get to choose the relationship types that best suit our lifestyles and the futures we have in mind. 

Whatever YOU choose, it all comes down to communication. That is what will determine how well you and your partner, or partners, connect and build trust. And that is why we have Dedeker, Emily and Jase, the hosts of the Multiamory Podcast, joining us today to talk about how to identify what you need from a conversation, how to use microscripts to manage difficult topics, and how to make repairs after things get heated.

DATING DISH (2:25)

Why has height become such a significant factor in dating?:

If we’re being honest, height has ALWAYS been a significant factor for folks in dating. But this recent article from Glam Magazine helps break down the exact origins of our height biases, how our instinct for survival plays a factor, and how this all plays into our perception of gender roles. Damona further explains why what we’re attracted to doesn’t just “happen.”

MULTIAMORY (16:30)

Jase, Emily, and Dedeker created the Multiamory Podcast in 2014 to raise awareness, provide approachable resources, and combat the stigma faced by people in non-traditional relationships. 

Together they have been featured in numerous publications, including NPR, Vice, Huffington Post, Oprah Daily, Cosmopolitan, and Elle. In addition to their national tours, they have presented at the Google campus in Seattle and have been keynote speakers and presenters at numerous conferences.

Their new book “Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships” is out now!

(17:55) Origins of the Multiamory Podcast…

Fun fact: before they launched their podcast exploring relationship archetypes and nonmonogamy, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker were in a relationship quad with another partner. 

Although the quad eventually broke up, Jase, Emily and Dedeker decided to launch the Multiamory Podcast. At that time (around 9 years ago), there wasn’t NEARLY as much research about non-monogamy or alternative relationship models out there as there is today. 

Dedeker continues that “over time, we started to find that a lot of this advice was about good relationships in general. Whether you’re monogamous, non-monogamous, sometimes even going beyond whether you’re in a romantic relationship or not.”

Jase also dives deeper into how the perception around non-monogamy has shifted over the years, and the biggest misconceptions about this relationship model.

(23:30) The Triforce of Communication

Having researched it so much, Jase, Emily, and Dedeker are ready to share their biggest insights on what makes great communication. Emily starts, “I think it’s really important to be able to look inward at your own history with how you communicate with others. And that’s from your childhood or the way that your parents may have communicated with you, and the ways that may translate to how you communicate with your partner.” 

Emily and the gang bring up a concept from their book called the Triforce of Communication and how to use it to gain clarity on what you need from your partner (or another person) in a conversation.

(32:05) Let’s talk about neurodivergence.

Dedeker mentions that when diving deeper into the non-monogamous community, you will find a lot of non-neurotypical people. “Often people who are different flavors of neurodivergent really appreciate clear structure, a clear sense of the rules of engagement for how we’re going to engage in this conversation, for people’s intentions to be very clearly laid out.” 

Dedeker then shares her experience with being on the neurodivergent spectrum, specifically dealing with some significant PTSD.

Jase and Dedeker also explain how they worked through their gaps in communication, using something they refer to as personalized “micro-scripts.”

(42:30) What should we keep in mind when establishing boundaries?

Many of us often conflate boundaries with rules or limitations on our partner, but Emily asserts that boundaries are necessary because they allow us to advocate for ourselves in a relationship – “it’s not something you’re doing to punish a partner, but rather something you’re doing to keep yourself safe.” Dedeker adds that the power of boundaries is all about what you can do to change your own behavior, because that’s the thing we have the most control over.

Jase then describes another concept for repairing conflict in their book called “SHOP” and how it works.

 

Be sure to follow them on Instagram @multiamory_podcast and grab a copy of their new book, Multiamory: Essential Tools For Modern Relationships, by visiting Multiamory.com/book.

DEAR DAMONA (51:50)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

IG Message from S – Hi Damona, I’m trying to get my brother back into the dating pool. After a failed marriage, and 3 kids later, he feels that he won’t ever find love or have a family again. He feels he’s not going to find someone who will want a man with 3 kids. He is also afraid to be used, and that people will only want him for his money. How do I approach this conversation to tell him that love is out there just waiting for him, when he is so down on himself and being negative?

Chaotic Singles Party & The Silent Treatment

 

Are you ready to party?! Okay, not really, but we are changing things UP today.

Y’all know that Damona talks A LOT about dating apps. It’s how she met her husband and how she has helped so many others to find love.

But even still, Damona will be the first to tell you that online dating is just one tool you can use in your search. It shouldn’t be your ONLY strategy.  You can also let your friends set you up on a date, try a matchmaker or pick up a new hobby to meet people. 

We all know that chatting with strangers can seem overwhelming but it is a great opportunity to find love and that’s why we have Cassidy Davis, the founder of Chaotic Singles Party, joining us to talk about how to meet your match IRL.

DATING DISH (2:15)

It’s time to embrace the awkward silence:

As this recent article in The Atlantic says, uncomfortable silences have always existed. But they’re harder to avoid today than ever before. Our newfound reliance on Zoom also highlights the way awkward silences can permeate conversations through lag time, glitches, and not knowing who should speak first in a Zoom room full of people. Not to mention, coming out of the pandemic hasn’t helped with practicing social skills. 

Damona dives into what makes silence feel awkward, shares her perspective on why we can all benefit from reframing the awkward pause to just be a “natural pause.”

CASSIDY DAVIS (9:55)

Cassidy Davis is an actor, producer and the creator/host of the Chaotic Singles Party. Cassidy hosts parties monthly in LA and NYC.

She has been featured on Good Morning America, Insider, and the Wall Street Journal and on a little program that is near and dear to our hearts, The Drew Barrymore Show.


(10:30) What is a Chaotic Singles Party?

It all started when Cassidy was feeling “really sadly single for five years” and she had the idea for her and her friends to each invite someone single to a house party. But in a last minute panic, Cassidy invited 65 additional strangers off of Tinder to come to this party too! 

It was such a success (AKA no creeps, no robberies) that Cassidy began hosting these parties monthly. One year later, business is still booming. As Cassidy mentions, “it’s better than going on dates alone, let’s date together as a unit.” 

Cassidy also shares some of her favorite CSP success stories.

(14:15) Making the “meeting IRL” fantasy a reality.

Cassidy says, “My best tip to find success is to really lean into it. It might be way out of your comfort zone to go to a singles event, it might be way out of your comfort zone to start approaching people at the singles event. But the most successful people really just embrace the chaos.”

Cassidy also details why your hobbies (or finding new hobbies) are the key to meeting someone IRL.

(24:10) The ultimate opener…

So you get to the singles event, you’ve got your drink… now what? 

Damona asks for Cassidy’s ideas on good openers for starting a conversation. She states that a compliment can always go a long way. Or if someone is wearing a unique piece of jewelry or a graphic tee (what Damona would call “conversation piece clothing”), point it out!

Damona continues that we can get too caught up in saying the perfect thing to make a lasting impression, and sometimes the simplest move can lead to the biggest payoff. That being said – Damona and Cassidy share the topics you should avoid talking about too much at a singles ever or on a first date.

 

Be sure to follow Cassidy on Instagram @cassidynashdavis and learn more about her events at chaoticsinglesparty.com.

DEAR DAMONA (34:45)

Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:

Text from Anya – Hi Damona! You totally changed the way I date and so far, so good, except – I met this guy on a matching app, and we get along SO WELL. We are both creative and have tried to live off our creativity so we both know the struggle. Even on other topics we agree on almost everything. On paper this guy is like, perfect. However, I’m not physically attracted to him! At all!! I’m a pretty sexual being but I don’t feel like touching him in any way, let alone having sex…? Nope. He just feels like my brother or best friend and that’s it. Should I trust my gut and tell him that? Or keep on dating him and see physical attraction grow out of… nothing? He is really a nice guy and I don’t want to lead him on if someone he is meant to be with is out there, waiting for him. I also know myself to be hopelessly romantic and because of that, I wonder if I’m waiting for that butterfly to happen if I meet the “right” person. We just had 2 dates and he hasn’t suggested anything intimate. So part of me hoped for him to say, he also doesn’t feel the chemistry… ugh I. Don’t. Know!! Help!!