It is NO secret that we love television shows about relationships and dating, but one Damona holds particularly dear to her heart is Showtime’s “Couples Therapy.”
If you don’t already know about the show, the documentary TV series is a deep dive into the authentic and visceral experience of weekly therapy where couples confront each other AND themselves. Spicy, but also, incredibly deep. It’s the best.
Leading the sessions for all three seasons is our guest today, Dr. Orna Guralnik! She’ll be sharing how she leads couples to some extraordinary breakthroughs, the best and worst ways to show up in a partnership, and what she has learned along the way.
DATING DISH (2:45)
How to figure out your partner’s “argument style”:
Refinery29 came in clutch with a recent article about how identifying your argument style can help your relationship dynamics in a similar way to knowing your love language, attachment style etc.
The article lays out four common argument styles: Attacking, Defensive, Withdrawing, and Open (AKA the “holy grail” of argument styles).
The author also points out that identifying the feelings or sensations that arise in your body during an argument can be key in directing you towards your argument style. Damona refers to this act of noticing as interoception, and explains how this can help you tune into your intuition and use it to improve your relationship communication.
ORNA GURALNIK (10:10)
Dr Orna Guralnik is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst practicing in New York City. She lectures and publishes on the topics of couples treatment and culture, as well as culture & psychoanalysis.
Her article – “I’m a Couples Therapist. Something New Is Happening in Relationships.” – was featured in the New York Times in May. And, of course, she is the host of the hit Showtime television series, Couples Therapy.
(11:24) How do you get people to reveal themselves?
As a renowned couples therapist, Orna seems to have the magic touch when it comes to helping couples open up. Orna states, “The whole therapeutic profession is based on the idea that if you create space, people will want to walk into it. People want to share space, people want to connect.”
She also mentions that she is listening to the less conscious registers of what is troubling someone. This includes details relating to early family dynamics, personality structure, trauma, attachment styles, and the overall societal issues that affect how a couple is interacting with each other.
(17:30) What are the biggest elements that are shifting for relationships today?
Referencing her infamous article “I’m a Couples Therapist. Something New Is Happening in Relationships,” Damona asks Orna about the biggest elements that are shifting for relationships today. “With the recent social justice movements, we’re all learning what it means to understand ourselves in relation to systemic issues and how these issues are running through us… This helps us understand what’s governing the dynamic of a couple.”
Orna also points out how the consciousness of privilege is shifting the way we look at relationships (and let alone communicate). “When you really understand privilege, how privilege shapes the way we experience the world and how people differ in terms of how much they walk around the world with or without, something really fundamental changes inside you.”
(25:40) We gotta go to the hard, scary places.
As most of us can presume, any type of therapy will only work as much as you are willing to open up and go deep. Damona wonders how one might handle a situation where one partner in a couple is willing to go deeper, but the other isn’t ready? Orna responds, “The person who’s not in pain is out of touch in some way that they’re not well in the relationship, so it’s just a matter of time in how to gain access to that part of the person.”
Orna adds, as the therapist, that there’s a level of “the client is always right” – if she can’t get through to someone, Orna believes she needs to figure out what is being blocked and adjust her approach. But this is always made easier if the client is willing to be as open as she is.
(32:25) Becoming a better partner starts with being yourself.
Damona asks what advice Orna can give to single folks on being a better partner, and her primary advice is to “show up as yourself and not someone else.” She also believes that a good reason to get into a relationship is to expand beyond who you are, not just pull someone into what you already are and know. And if that’s your motivation, then it’s going to get wonderful, complicated, and really interesting.
Orna also shares how you can get motivated to do the hard self-work, and reframe it so it’s not scary (hint: stay curious about yourself).
Be sure to follow Dr. Orna on Instagram @OrnaGuralnik and check out Couples Therapy on Showtime!
DEAR DAMONA (41:00)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- Voicemail from S – Hi Damona! I’m a finishing PhD student and I’m getting ready for a big cross country move in the next 6 months. As you can imagine, I have a lot on my plate. I am curious about short term dating, but I could use some advice. On the one hand, I think it would be good practice. That way when I get into this new environment I’m ready to dive in feet first. But on the other hand, with everything that’s going on, I don’t know if it’s going to be a good distraction or if it’s just going to add more stress. I would love to get your advice on how to go about short-term casual dating or anything about dating right before a big move. Thank you so much for your time and your advice, looking forward to hearing what you have to say!
Unsure if your question is right for Dates & Mates? Check out our recent all-Dear Damona episode to get a taste of what our listeners are thinking. 📝
How To Choose The Right Dating App For You
If your social circle is set and your leisure time is limited, as it is for most modern adults, dating apps are the best bang for your buck in love. Online dating presents an amazing opportunity to date in the little free time you have left and to connect with like-minded singles.
But with the introduction of swipe technology and an array of dating apps to choose from, where do you even start with online dating?
Here’s an outline of the 4 types of apps, the people that like them, and the most common traps of each one:
1. Traditional Apps – Match, Plenty of Fish, or OkCupid. Dating apps like Match, Plenty of Fish, or OkCupid provide a lot of opportunity and give you a chance to try out a bunch of different matches. However, they do require a clear process and strategy to filter out the desired matches out of thousands of possibilities.
2. Swipe Apps – Bumble and Tinder. These are excellent for busy singles who are newer to dating and want to get started fast with a wide range of options. The downside is it’s hard to find the right committed match since these profiles don’t give you a lot of information about the person on the other side. You can get stuck in the texting trap or in the messaging phase, and you need a clear strategy for navigating from the app into the real world before they ghost.
3. Niche Apps – JDate and Christian Mingle. If you know that there is a particular quality, interest, or cultural element that is of the utmost importance to you, this kind of app provides you with the matches that meet your criteria. Unfortunately, apps like these have smaller dating pools. It can often feel like nothing is happening if you don’t know how to search your options and pick the right matches.
4. Curated – eHarmony and Coffee Meets Bagel. These apps are excellent for people who are discerning or choosy, but don’t have time to do the filtering themselves. While tedious filtering is taken off your plate, it can sometimes feel like you don’t have enough options or much control. These apps are slow paced and you need some clear direction if you’re going to get your match off the app and on to the next phase of dating.
If you’re still a bit unsure about which app is the right app, the most important questions to ask yourself are:
That’s it! It’s useless to be on the app that all your friends say is best if you hate using it or roll your eyes at every person in you match queue. It doesn’t matter if you have great matches if you hate using the app and never check your messages. Find an app that works for YOU and your lifestyle.
Signing up for any dating app can be an overwhelming experience at first. But at the end of the day, dating apps are just another resource to meet your people…or person, more specifically. And if you don’t like the matches you get from one dating app, just start fresh on another!
5 Key Questions to Ask Before Moving In With A Partner
Moving in with your partner is a significant milestone in any relationship. It’s a step that requires careful consideration and open communication to ensure both individuals are ready for this level of commitment. While the idea of cohabitation may be exciting, it’s crucial to evaluate various aspects of your relationship and future together before taking the leap.
But not to worry! Here are 5 key questions to ask before moving in with a partner:
While moving in with your partner can be an exciting and transformative experience, it’s crucial to be aware of the red flags and potential pitfalls. Here are some signs it may not be time to move in together:
🚩 Urgency: If the other person is pushing you to do it before you feel ready
🚩 Unresolved conflict: This can make a break a relationship. Look for what the Gottman Institute calls the magic ratio of 5 to 1 – 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative.
By reflecting on these factors and being mindful of potential challenges, you can approach moving in with your partner with confidence and clarity.
5 Tips For Sending the First Message on a Dating App
So you’ve decided to join a dating app – amazing!!! Signing up for a dating app is the first and arguably most challenging step towards taking control of your dating destiny. With a simple swipe or a cleverly crafted message, we have a sea of potential matches at our fingertips. But in the crowded landscape of selfies and dog pics, how can we stand out from the crowd AND attract the kind of quality matches we crave?
While there’s no foolproof formula for love, understanding the art of crafting a compelling opener can significantly enhance your chances of making a genuine connection. From humorous one-liners to thoughtful questions, the perfect opener should intrigue, engage, and leave your match eager to learn more about you.
So whether you’re a seasoned dater or just dipping your toes into the digital dating pool, we’ve got you covered. Here are the most successful dating app messaging tips according to the latest stats:
Best ice breaker? Here are OkCupid’s results:
Simple introduction (30%)
Asking a question (30%)
Telling a joke (22%)
Mentioning something on my profile (18%)
Note: While these openers have been effective for many, it’s important to remember that every interaction is unique. Authenticity and respect remain key to building a genuine connection. Use these openers as inspiration, but adapt them to suit your personality and the context of the conversation. 💬
Happy swiping!
Summer Dating & SET It Up
It’s 4th of July, Independence Day here in the States! And while people might say summer isn’t a great time for romance, we beg to differ.
This week 20 years ago, Damona actually had her first date with her husband Seth, and has since made many matches for her clients over the summer.
Summer takes people out of their normal routines. Think about it – there’s travel, summer work schedules, wanting to be out and about enjoying the good weather with friends. It’s switching up the mundane that gets you to take chances, say yes to new things, and bring new people into your orbit. And THAT is precisely the energy we want you to harness if you’re single this summer.
The other thing that makes this summer unique is this is the first time we are officially not in a pandemic in 3 years!!! Everyone has had their lives deeply impacted since Covid-19, which has prompted people to enter into dating with a new mindset and drive for true connection.
So let’s get down to it. Here are the 3 ways you can take advantage of your single status this summer…
Ready for Damona’s 201 Flirt School class? She recently created an entire Guide on Flirting in the Blinkist app!
Blinkist allows you to hear or read the key points from books and podcasts, and they invited Damona to share her biggest flirting tips and favorite books that will help you with your flirting skills. Download Blinkist today and look for Damona’s Guide on Flirting. 😘
The 4 Biggest Mistakes To Avoid In Your Dating Profile
Dating apps are the most powerful tool in your dating toolbox. According to the latest research, about 40% of new couples say they met online. Online dating has become a norm, offering countless opportunities to connect with potential partners. With just a few swipes and clicks, you can explore a world of romantic possibilities. However, despite the convenience and accessibility, many singles find themselves frustrated with lackluster results or missed connections. The culprit? A poorly crafted dating profile.
Your dating profile is your digital resume, the first impression you make on potential matches. It’s the key to attracting attention, sparking interest, and ultimately, finding that special someone. Yet, all too often, people fall into the same traps and make avoidable mistakes that hinder their chances of success.
From clichéd bios to misleading photos, there are so many small details that can sabotage your dating profile if you’re not careful. So, if you’re tired of receiving lackluster responses or encountering the same roadblocks in your online dating journey, buckle up and get ready to level up your profile game.
Here are the 4 biggest mistakes to avoid in your dating profile:
Now that you know what NOT to do in your profile, let us break down what you SHOULD do.
First off, make sure you’re switching up your profile regularly. Making frequent changes to your dating profile on a regular basis means you’re more likely to end up at the top of the queue for other dating app users. Secondly, make sure to test your primary photo for the most engagement. You can do this by keeping a log of how many matches or messages you get with each photo (using the 3 C’s, of course).
And lastly, download Damona’s Profile Starter Kit to stock up on more algorithm hacks and receive plug-n-play profile templates to create a profile that will catch the eye of potential matches in no time. This download is FREE for a limited time, so be sure to get yours here!!!
Argument Styles & Dr. Orna Guralnik
It is NO secret that we love television shows about relationships and dating, but one Damona holds particularly dear to her heart is Showtime’s “Couples Therapy.”
If you don’t already know about the show, the documentary TV series is a deep dive into the authentic and visceral experience of weekly therapy where couples confront each other AND themselves. Spicy, but also, incredibly deep. It’s the best.
Leading the sessions for all three seasons is our guest today, Dr. Orna Guralnik! She’ll be sharing how she leads couples to some extraordinary breakthroughs, the best and worst ways to show up in a partnership, and what she has learned along the way.
DATING DISH (2:45)
How to figure out your partner’s “argument style”:
Refinery29 came in clutch with a recent article about how identifying your argument style can help your relationship dynamics in a similar way to knowing your love language, attachment style etc.
The article lays out four common argument styles: Attacking, Defensive, Withdrawing, and Open (AKA the “holy grail” of argument styles).
The author also points out that identifying the feelings or sensations that arise in your body during an argument can be key in directing you towards your argument style. Damona refers to this act of noticing as interoception, and explains how this can help you tune into your intuition and use it to improve your relationship communication.
ORNA GURALNIK (10:10)
Dr Orna Guralnik is a Clinical Psychologist and Psychoanalyst practicing in New York City. She lectures and publishes on the topics of couples treatment and culture, as well as culture & psychoanalysis.
Her article – “I’m a Couples Therapist. Something New Is Happening in Relationships.” – was featured in the New York Times in May. And, of course, she is the host of the hit Showtime television series, Couples Therapy.
(11:24) How do you get people to reveal themselves?
As a renowned couples therapist, Orna seems to have the magic touch when it comes to helping couples open up. Orna states, “The whole therapeutic profession is based on the idea that if you create space, people will want to walk into it. People want to share space, people want to connect.”
She also mentions that she is listening to the less conscious registers of what is troubling someone. This includes details relating to early family dynamics, personality structure, trauma, attachment styles, and the overall societal issues that affect how a couple is interacting with each other.
(17:30) What are the biggest elements that are shifting for relationships today?
Referencing her infamous article “I’m a Couples Therapist. Something New Is Happening in Relationships,” Damona asks Orna about the biggest elements that are shifting for relationships today. “With the recent social justice movements, we’re all learning what it means to understand ourselves in relation to systemic issues and how these issues are running through us… This helps us understand what’s governing the dynamic of a couple.”
Orna also points out how the consciousness of privilege is shifting the way we look at relationships (and let alone communicate). “When you really understand privilege, how privilege shapes the way we experience the world and how people differ in terms of how much they walk around the world with or without, something really fundamental changes inside you.”
(25:40) We gotta go to the hard, scary places.
As most of us can presume, any type of therapy will only work as much as you are willing to open up and go deep. Damona wonders how one might handle a situation where one partner in a couple is willing to go deeper, but the other isn’t ready? Orna responds, “The person who’s not in pain is out of touch in some way that they’re not well in the relationship, so it’s just a matter of time in how to gain access to that part of the person.”
Orna adds, as the therapist, that there’s a level of “the client is always right” – if she can’t get through to someone, Orna believes she needs to figure out what is being blocked and adjust her approach. But this is always made easier if the client is willing to be as open as she is.
(32:25) Becoming a better partner starts with being yourself.
Damona asks what advice Orna can give to single folks on being a better partner, and her primary advice is to “show up as yourself and not someone else.” She also believes that a good reason to get into a relationship is to expand beyond who you are, not just pull someone into what you already are and know. And if that’s your motivation, then it’s going to get wonderful, complicated, and really interesting.
Orna also shares how you can get motivated to do the hard self-work, and reframe it so it’s not scary (hint: stay curious about yourself).
Be sure to follow Dr. Orna on Instagram @OrnaGuralnik and check out Couples Therapy on Showtime!
DEAR DAMONA (41:00)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Unsure if your question is right for Dates & Mates? Check out our recent all-Dear Damona episode to get a taste of what our listeners are thinking. 📝
The Best Places To Meet Singles This Summer
With the summer in full swing, the season presents an excellent opportunity to get out, mingle, and potentially meet that special someone. And the beauty of summer is that from vibrant city events to outdoor adventures, there’s something for everyone. So grab your sunscreen, put on your most confident smile, and let’s dive into the best places to meet singles this summer:
Embrace the energy of the season, step out of your comfort zone, and approach these opportunities with an open mind and a willingness to connect. Remember, the key is to enjoy yourself and have fun. And who knows, you might just find that special someone while creating cherished memories along the way.
Truths and Myths & Reality Gays
In reality, love is all around us! No, seriously. We see it in shows like Love Is Blind, Married at First Sight, The Bachelor, Too Hot To Handle, and so so so many more.
At Dates & Mates, we are HERE for this reality dating renaissance. (Damona has even hosted some reality dating shows herself). They are both a window into the current landscape of dating and a mirror reflecting many of the same dating experiences that we’ve all been through.
They also give us an opportunity to learn through the contestants’ experiences, and it’s a heck of a lot of fun to watch too. So today, we will be doing an ALL-Dating Dish episode to examine the latest TV trends, some new data, and hot headlines on dating and relationships. And we’ll be joined by one of Damona’s BFF’s and host of Reality Gays, Matt Marr.
DATING DISH FT. MATT MARR (5:05)
Matt is one of the hosts of the mega-hit podcast, Reality Gays. But what some people don’t know is he’s also trained as a psychotherapist, so he knows all about why we do the wacky things we do in love.
Plus, Damona and Matt will be celebrating Pride Month Reality Gays style.
(5:05) Not celebrating Pride Month? Here’s how to be a solid Ally. 🏳️🌈
Although we often focus on the “out and proud” aspects of Pride Month, there is always room for clarity on how to be a great ally. This recent headline about Abbott Elementary star Tyler James Williams is the epitome of how to do just that. After rumors started circulating about his sexuality, Williams stepped in to highlight how overanalyzing someone’s sexuality “contributes to the anxiety a lot of queer and queer questioning people feel when they fear living in their truth.”
Matt and Damona weigh in on Williams’ statement and the importance of coming out on your own terms.
(11:25) Love Is Blind & relationship timelines…
If you watched Love Is Blind Season 3 (one of the shows Matt consistently covers on his podcast), you may remember one of the season’s most controversial couples – Matt and Colleen. The two did get engaged at the end of the season, but decided to prolong moving in together. And after two years of marriage, they’re finally doing it!!!
Damona and Matt recall the couple’s emotional history, and dive deeper into breaking conventional relationship timelines. (Check out Damona’s thoughts on when couples should have the moving-in-together talk…)
(18:00) Once a cheater, always a cheater??
After coming across this article from The Guardian, Damona and Matt shed some light on some controversial relationship myths. Including, should you ever go to bed angry? Can a relationship really survive an affair? Once a cheater, always a cheater? And – *drumroll please* – is it possible to have a good sex life FOREVER?
(26:15) The state of Matt Marr.
Matt spills the tea on his own relationship status, diving into the embrace of his anxious attachment style and how thinking you’re “good with being alone” may actually be a reaction to some inner codependency.
After a rocky relationship that ended in a lot of mistrust, Matt also shares some of the concrete steps he took that helped him learn to trust himself in dating again.
Be sure to follow Matt on Instagram @TheMattMarr and check out Reality Gays wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!
DEAR DAMONA
There is no Dear Damona this week, but you can submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear your answers during a future episode of Date & Mates!
15 Creative Date Ideas To Spice Up Your Dating Life
In the ever-evolving world of dating, finding unique and exciting ways to spend quality time with a date can strengthen your bond and create lasting memories. Whether you’re in a new relationship or have been together for years, trying out fresh and creative date ideas can inject a sense of adventure and excitement into your lives.
So we’ve put a list together of 15 creative date ideas that are sure to inspire romance, engage your curiosity, and create some truly unforgettable moments:
Single on Purpose & Second Date Decision
Going through stretches of singlehood is part of the dating process, but when the stretches run long, we can begin to lose our motivation. We may begin to doubt ourselves or question if we can create the kind of future we had in mind.
But what if we told you that these periods of singlehood were actually your greatest opportunities for growth and discovery? A time to confront your past and emerge into the world with a new perspective.
It might feel counterintuitive, but our guest today and good friend of the show, John Kim (AKA The Angry Therapist), is here to help you see the light. He will be joining Damona to talk about how you can transform being single into a joyous, exciting period of personal growth. Plus he’ll share some of the tips and exercises from his new workbook, 31 Days of Single on Purpose.
DATING DISH (1:45)
Here’s how long it takes most people to decide on a second date:
According to a new survey covered by the New York Post, the average dater knows whether or not they’d like to see someone again at the 19-minute mark of their first date. The article also noted some of the main traits folks pay attention to on a first date (manners, conversation skills, etc), as well as taboo first date topics and the main contributors to the end of a relationship.
As for Damona’s take? Although we may have made up our mind about someone at the 19-minute mark, your best first date should be 1 HOUR LONG. We break it all down on Damona’s blog here…
JOHN KIM (9:10)
John Kim is a Licensed Therapist & Life Coach, best-selling author and the host of The Angry Therapist podcast. His books include It’s Not Me, It’s You; Single On Purpose; I Used To Be A Miserable F*ck and more.
John’s latest book, a workbook, 31 DAYS OF SINGLE ON PURPOSE, is out now!
(11:30) Why a workbook, why now?
Although having written several books, “31 Days of Single On Purpose” is the first workbook John has published. He shares that he always found workbooks kind of cheesy, but what became his main source of inspiration was the aspect of being a community builder, and creating a venue for singles to help each other out using the workbook.
John says that singlehood is the soil most fertile for growth and that finding community or groups of people you resonate with is huge.
(16:30) What does it really mean to be single on purpose?
Inspired by his book of the same name, John recently began a podcast collective called Single On Purpose (check out Damona’s episode here). But what does it really mean to be single on purpose?
After having coached many singles who lost themselves in their relationships, John states “it just means to find yourself first.” So when you build a relationship with yourself, you go into relationships with a foundational sense of self.
Mantras and meditation also play a huge role in John’s definition of being single on purpose. There’s so much power in language, and “if we don’t have an intentional mantra, we return to distorted thinking.”
John continues that being single on purpose isn’t an easy feat, and shares his own struggles with his journey.
(25:10) “I’m not lonely, I’m experiencing loneliness.”
John and Damona dive into one of the hardest aspects of singlehood, which is remembering that everything is temporary. “When you’re single, the big fear is, is this going to be forever?”
John notes it’s important not to internalize your feelings of loneliness as a permanent state of being and instead remember it is a feeling that will pass. Just like Day 23 of his workbook states, remember that your experiences do not define you.
(30:45) How do you know you’re relationship-ready?
The whole concept of being “ready” for dating or a relationship is a slippery slope. Sometimes we may be ready but we don’t know it yet, or we may think we want to get out there but still have some necessary work to do.
John and Damona note that you might realize you’re ready when you meet a certain person, or some people even find “ready” while they’re dating. Of course, it’s all up to your discretion. But Johns says “it’s like having children – at some point you just take the leap.”
Be sure to follow John on Instagram @TheAngryTherapist and grab a copy of 31 Days of Single on Purpose by visiting TheAngryTherapist.com.
DEAR DAMONA (33:45)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from P – Hey Damona, I’m a single mom and have struggled to find love… I thought I found it in my most previous relationship but I was so wrong because I became a mistress and now I keep attracting that. I want my own relationship and I’m wondering if that’s what I’m putting out? I don’t want to jump into the wrong relationship because I have to protect myself and my child.