Soul Mates & Skin Hunger
DO YOU FEEL IT? THE SKIN HUNGER?
You may have noticed that the weather’s getting a little cooler, and nights a little darker, and the skin hunger is setting in…
Totally not trying to freak you out. Skin hunger is a real thing and it’s not as creepy as it sounds.
Biologically right around this time, all humans feel the pressure to get boo’d up or at least find a cuddle buddy to weather the cold months with.
Especially this year, the cuffing season pressure is on y’all!
Today, Dr. Laura Berman – love & relationships expert and New York Times best selling author – is here to help us navigate everything from redefining soulmates to the current rise in infidelity. We’ve waiting a long time to have her on the show and we’re so lucky to be able to learn from this woman.
But first, let’s dish!
DATING DISH
Cuffing Season
Winter is coming, which means it’s almost cuffing season. However, it’s looking a lot different during a pandemic. Damona explains why.
Mask Fishing
A new term has been coined: Mask fishing. Damona weighs in.
Celebs Get Dumped From Apps
Sam Smith talks about getting kicked off Hinge for being a potential catfish.
REDEFINING SOULMATES
Dr. Laura Berman helps us navigate everything from redefining soulmates to the current rise in infidelity.
Check out Dr. Berman’s book Quantum Love: Use Your Body’s Atomic Energy to Create the Relationship You Desire
WANT TO READ ALONG?
Unknown Speaker 0:00
It’s a tale as old as time. He’s handsome, debonair. She’s pretty and sweet. They lock eyes across the room.
Damona 0:10
Okay, hold on. Honey, you need to get your facts straight. Finding love today is more like
Unknown Speaker 0:17
Greece posts to get my
Unknown Speaker 0:18
swipe was invited to share my life. What
Unknown Speaker 0:21
does this text mean? Maybe he’s just not that into me is this relationship going anywhere,
Damona 0:26
you can keep waiting for the fairytale. Or you can get on board with the new rules of relationships. If you’ve read my advice in the LA Times, then you know, this ain’t your mama’s love advice. This is dates in mates with damona Hoffman. Hello, lovers. Welcome to the show. We’ve had a lot of new listeners lately. So first, I want to give you a welcome and then a little primer of what we’re about on dates and mates. First off, I’m damona Hoffman certified dating coach, and I am a feminist. And I’m not afraid to say it, I believe in equality of the sexes, which is really the definition of feminism. And I’m against antiquated dating norms. That said, I know the world we’re operating in. I’ve been coaching singles on dating for over 15 years. And I’ve watched the evolution of courtship. Throughout the popularity of dating apps. I’ve seen research shift over the years, and I know the world of dating inside and out.
Unknown Speaker 1:27
So
Damona 1:28
I do not believe courtship is dead. But I do think you need to release your ideas around traditional chivalry. And while we’re talking about gender dynamics, I also believe that love is love. And for you, it might not look like your parents idea of love, or your neighbor’s idea of love. But I want to help you move into the relationship that makes you happy. No matter how you identify, we will get there with heart and with humor. And I’m not going to tap dance around the issue. So you might hear some things that are Q, but just know that I say them to motivate you. And I believe that people are most successful in love When they feel confident and when they have a plan. So let’s get into the advice on how to do that. You may have noticed that the weather’s getting a little colder, right, and the nights are a little darker, and the skin hungers setting in I’m not trying to freak you out. Skin hunger is a real thing, and it’s not as creepy as it sounds. Biologically right around this time all humans feel the pressure to get booted up, or at least to find a cuddle buddy to weather the cold months with and especially this year. The cuffing season pressure is on y’all. Today, Dr. Laura Berman loving relationships expert and New York Times best selling author is here to help us navigate everything from redefining soulmates to the current rise and infidelity. I’ve waited a long time to have her on the show everybody. As always, we kick it off with the headlines, including Are you ready for the ultimate cuffing season? And True or false? If they’re wearing a mask in a dating profile? are they hiding something? Plus, dating apps are ditching celebrities. And we will tell you why. For my tried and true dates and mates listeners, I’m going to try to switch things up a little bit this month. Rather than doing the headlines and an interview and the q&a. We’re going to save that juicy q&a for specific deer Dimona episodes. So first week in November, you will get an all q&a all deer demona episode. Trying out switching up. I’ve been doing this show for eight years, eight full seasons. So we have to make changes every now and then if you love it, let me know if you hate it, let me know. Either way, if you miss the QA and you want to connect with me, in a personal setting, we do still have the Patreon group which is going strong, which you can join for only five bucks@patreon.com slash dates and mates and that will give you access to a ton of additional content. Plus my private Facebook group where I do live q&a is every week and talk about what I learned and what was happening behind the scenes on each of these episodes. All right now it’s time to kick it off with the dish
Unknown Speaker 4:27
these dating dish.
Damona 4:29
Elite daily is putting the pressure on cuffing season. They let us know this is the cuffing season like no other. This article was actually sent to me by one of my patreon friends with benefits. Thank you so much, Jen. They highlighted the tweets the panicked tweets about the pressure that everyone is feeling around cuffing season. And surprisingly some people keep telling me that they don’t know what cuffing season is so sorry for those that already know but I’ll just give you a little primer cuffing season is that period between basically Halloween I would say although it keeps getting earlier and earlier as this elite daily article points out, but like Halloween and Valentine’s Day when people are looking to, to partner up, and part of it is biological, like we are wired to want to bond with somebody to make it through the cold winter months. Some of it is also social. We think of going through the holidays, we think of New Year’s resolutions, we we think of Valentine’s Day coming up. So it’s a combination of all those things. And this year, we have a kicker on top of it, the bonus you get is COVID. And the fact that you cannot have a dinner date out in a restaurant, but you can’t be outside in the cold. And everybody’s confused about what this means. So for some people in my patreon friends benefits group, they said that this article created more anxiety for them. I actually just I thought it was kind of funny. There were some funny tweets and funny quotes. Somebody said I eagerly await the thought piece on COVID zombies, the men who ghost for months or years and are now like, hey, as we approach the cuffing season of the century, another version said today’s weather signifies the official start of cuffing season. Corona cuffing season, find your guys gals, non binary hot people cups of tea cozy as blankets, shows you’ve been putting off for months and ways around the question. So what are we? The final one that I’ll I’ll tell you about. And you can go check this out. As always, at the dates and maids.com blog, we put the link in the show notes to all of these articles. They had a picture of beauty in the beast remember the beauty and the beast, the rose that was in the like capsule that was done that was dying and the petals are falling off and the Beast was trying to trying to save it before he became a beast forever. They said, This is me watching the window to find someone to have sex with before it gets too cold to have dates outside rapidly. I don’t want this to make you feel pressure. But I do want you to think about what you want what you want. Right now it is causing us to have to make some decisions. Like we were just in this state of limbo where we could just we could keep going in this casual dating landscape as long as we wanted. But now you have to really be mindful about who you let into your bubble and whether you want to prioritize finding a relationship. And I was saying to some of the people in the Patreon group, this might not be your season, maybe this isn’t your season to find love. So if you’re you’re working on your career, you’re building a business you’re you’re trying to survive, you’ve been laid off, then, hey, let that be your number one priority, no shame in the game. But if you are feeling like a relationship is the most important thing to you right now, then you better act like it. Well, in spite of relationships being very important to celebrities, some of them are getting dumped from dating apps. So Sam Smith, the pop singer is 28. He says he was kicked off of the dating app hinge. They thought he was a catfish, catfish, you know, like it wasn’t who he wasn’t who He said He is how bold you have to be to take an actual celebrities photo and put it on a dating app. I don’t know I have this experience. Also with a celebrity client. I was trying to get her verified on Bumble, I even linked it to her actual Instagram account. And they still kept rejecting the photos and saying that they didn’t pass standards. And I just don’t
Unknown Speaker 8:43
don’t
Damona 8:45
know what celebrities are supposed to do. And I feel like people are really frustrated with dating apps. A lot of people are, but man, it’s it could be worse. The celebrities can’t even get on them. It’s a privilege to even be on a dating app. Think of it that way and share it actually went on my favorite talk show the Drew Barrymore show where I’m the dating expert. She didn’t talk to me, but she talked to drew and she said she was done with dating. She’s had it with dating, please, if you get to that point, and you feel like I’m just done with it, maybe you should reach out to me, because I never want you to be in that space. There’s always there’s always the possibility for a relationship don’t ever completely give up even in the midst of COVID speaking of COVID my friend Taylor Andrews, who was on the show a couple weeks ago, wrote an article on Cosmos about a new term. You know, I love to tell you about the new dating terms. This one is mask fishing. Yes, he talks about woke fishing a few weeks ago. mask fishing means wearing a mask in your profile to appear more attractive than you are. Not because then people can’t see Your mouth or the bottom half of your face, but because it’s sexy, wearing a mask apparently, is very sexy, because it tells people where you stand. And a lot of the majority of people right now in America are pro mask. But there is this dating app. She she called it a dating app. Really, it’s it’s more of a sex app, the adult friend finder, they they implemented a no mask fishing mandate, which bans users from posting exclusively masked up photos on their profiles. I think that that’s a good practice overall. Like when I see somebody’s profile, and it only has pictures of them and sunglasses and hats, I can’t really see what they look like. And then I start to think maybe you’re hiding something which Taylor also references in the article. Why are we always assuming people are trying to hide something? wearing a mask is important. So here’s where I stand on the issue, I think, yes, it’s good to maybe have one mask photo, if you have at least four other solid photos where people can really see you. But as Taylor says, In this article, she says if I see you in your photos wearing a mask, I don’t have to dive into the so what are your thoughts on this whole COVID-19 thing? So it makes it a lot easier to know where you stand? Of course, there are the Add time ask people, maybe they should declare that in their profile too. And then it would save us all a whole lot of time. Speaking of time, it’s time for a little break when we come back. Dr. Laura Berman is here. I can’t believe it. I’m so excited. This is such a juicy conversation. So don’t go anywhere. I’m here with Dr. Laura Berman. She’s a love and relationship expert with decades of experience in the field of sex therapy. She’s a New York Times bestselling author, and award winning radio host and she’s a regular guest on TV shows like The dr. oz show. She’s a contributor to magazines like Cosmo, which we were just talking about before the break glamour and so many more. Let me tell you, Dr. Laura Berman is a really busy lady. I’ve been wanting to have her on the show for so long. And you’re gonna see why in just a moment. So please help me give big smooches to Dr. Laura Berman. I’m here. Oh, my gosh, I have so much to talk to you about how much time you got girl.
Unknown Speaker 12:19
I know we can talk for hours, right?
Damona 12:22
We’ll start off with like the most pressing issues, because a lot of people have been writing in about relationship challenges and dating in the era of COVID. Yeah, and isolation and all of these other societal pressures, they make us do some crazy things. So let’s just first talk about touch the power of touch. I hinted at it a couple of weeks ago but this idea of skin hunger right that we talk to me about really what that skin hunger is and what’s going on from a biological perspective. And socio Bobby
Unknown Speaker 13:04
looked about we are social creatures, our bodies and our psyches from evolution, you know, up to now we’re still evolving, obviously, is based on on community on connection on touch. And you know, even as, as early as the 1920s. And into the Second World War, there’s been so much research done. For instance, on little babies, when they aren’t adequately touched and handled, they often fail to thrive, they often die, they often have developmental issues. And it’s true for grownups as well we all need that’s why they’re, you know, these growing number of cuddle parties, you know, that we’re starting to develop preco better because people really are especially single people in today’s disconnected world and, you know, for good and for bad and there’s lots of good I mean, I’m a huge supporter of the me to movement, but you know, as with all good things, there’s also a little bit of a struggle and the struggle is how do you break you know, how do you bridge that gap to camaraderie and connection when most of our time is spent with work peers or at home and now with COVID those of us who are single, you know, and aren’t with our families who can give us a cuddle here and there you know, are stuck home without being touched and and with a very remote kind of connection, zoom and Facebook and FaceTime and everything else can only take you so far.
Damona 14:29
Most of my listeners, I find are looking for relationships. Mm hmm. Predominantly monogamous relationships, but but I’m hearing a lot more from people that are like, I’ll just just be crass with it. Like I just want to get it in. I don’t need like, I don’t need you to be my everything right now. But I haven’t had sex in months or I haven’t been touched in months.
What is your feeling on that like if you are really Looking for a relationship? Do you think it’s good to let the pressure off for a little while? Every once in a while?
Unknown Speaker 15:07
Or that’s such a it’s such a good time to? Because let’s just put COVID aside for a moment because and I know we can’t because that’s a big part of of your question, but just for a moment to talk about when you’re looking for a monogamous relationship. And, and I, you know, I’ve been coaching people through this for decades. And what I can tell you in particular, if you are a woman who is heterosexual, and looking for a monogamous relationship with a man, I really think you should not be sexual with that person until you are both clear that you both want a monogamous relationship. And you’re going to see if you can make a go of that together, meaning that neither one of you are dating anyone else or having sex with anyone else. Until further notice.
Damona 15:52
I agree with you. Yeah, and I’ve said that before, but I’m gonna play devil’s advocate. Yeah. Because I want to hear it from your perspective. Yeah. When, when you are having sex with somebody before you’ve made that agreement? Or if you’re just having casual sex, and like, I can have sex like a man. Yeah. How is that actually affecting us? From the clinical?
Unknown Speaker 16:19
Okay, so this is controversial, but I feel really strongly about it. I really wish that women could have sex like men, I want, you know, it would be what, and we can, in theory, and it’s our right to, and we’re empowered enough to certainly and there’s, you know, I’m not saying any of that I’m not saying nice girl shouldn’t do that at all. But what we know is that, you know, just biologically if you let’s say, you go and you pre COVID, right, you hooked up with someone who you couldn’t stand as a person, but he’s so hot, and you’re just horny. And hell, you can have sex like a guy, if guys can do it, you can do it too. And you go home, you have great sex with this really hot guy who you have no interest in anything with. And then you don’t know why the next morning, you are so bummed when he leaves before you wake up and doesn’t ask for your number and never reaches out again. And you don’t know why. Because you don’t want anything with them? Well, there’s a biological reason, because what happens, especially if it’s good sex, and especially if you have an orgasm, your brain gets washed with oxytocin, your whole body does, which is the chemical of attachment. It’s what breastfeeding mothers release to bond them to the baby. orgasms are bonding experiences, whether we want them to be and guys have an easier time if they have adequate levels of testosterone, because their testosterone will counteract the effects of the oxytocin. You know, there’s lots of evolutionary theories as to why guys are better designed for, you know, casual sex, biologically than women are. They’re spreading their seed. Yeah. I mean, they’re see far and wide and greater, you know, greater investment on the woman’s side, right? Because if, you know,
Damona 17:58
I don’t find it that controversial, I think, and I appreciate you speaking the truth, because I think I think more women need to hear this, and that we’re working against our biology. And I by no means am a traditionalist, as my listeners know. And it sounds like you’re not either, but what we’re talking from a, a clinical and biological perspective. Yeah.
Unknown Speaker 18:20
And it’s, and it’s also like, you know, I talked to groups of women all the time of all ages, and I’ve started asking them in recent years, if you’re, you know, single women, if you’re, or even in a relationship, if you had a choice between, you know, wanting to become a sexual goddess, or learn how to be a sexual goddess, or learn how to be a porn star, which one would you want? And then I kind of dig into why and it’s so interesting to me how many women say off the cuff that they want it, you know, they would want to learn to be a porn star, you know, complete with the twerking and the and the pole dancing and everything that comes with that. And as we dig into why which is fine, great. I mean, whatever. But when we dig into why that’s where I get concerned, because the why is that the story is that that’s what men want. And if I can be a porn star, I can land you know, not literally a porn star but be like a porn star. Those are skills. Yeah, yeah, porn star skills. Right? Then I will not only get the guy I will keep the guy and it’s a very it’s the same same thing at play with women, you know, having sex before they get that monogamous conversation out of the way. It’s this hope that I can entice him or keep him. It’s an I call that sort of an outside in approach to sexuality versus an inside out one where it’s really coming from like, let me check you out. I have this amazing body and this amazing gift of my sexuality to share with someone who I choose. And let’s see if you are someone who’s worthy of my phenomenal gifts. You know, that is not something that the porn stars skilled woman is focusing on, right. And what I find is what men really are attracted to Yes, they love the porn star and skills, they will never balk at those. But what they really want is the sexual goddess. That’s the one that they’ll really get into a relationship, you know, want to be in a relationship with the one that they’ll really cherish and play with and connect to and be invested in, I find. And it’s not to say that a sexual goddess can’t have pornstar skills. Of course she can. She is coming from it from a very different place.
Damona 20:35
Yeah, I’ve even I’ve had this conversation with my husband, I’m like, would you have had sex with me on the first date if I let you? And he was like, I’m a man. Of course, I would have. And I really think about how might that have changed the trajectory of our relationship? And it wasn’t even like, I think some guys that are listening might say, women withhold sex, because they’re, that’s like their power right there.
Unknown Speaker 20:59
Yeah. So we’re talking about, I just feel like once you
Damona 21:03
cross that threshold, you can’t really go back, once you remove the anticipation, and the time to really get to know each other on a deeper level, that’s done, it’s gone. And you can’t get that back. So that’s why I like to have my clients and listeners just Just wait a little bit longer. Until they they have a little bit more of a bond or understanding of that person, and where the relationship is so
Unknown Speaker 21:28
much better if you do that, and so much more enjoyable. Yeah, not to mention, the chances of the relationship lasting, you know, are better. And, you know, like Steve Harvey used to say to me all the time when I, you know, when he was at a show, and I would go on there all the time, and his favorite thing is, you know, the cookie don’t give the guy the cookie. He says, Yeah, and I don’t think it has to be 90 days. But he once said to me, as I was kind of challenging me on this 90 day thing, and that was, you know, that was his number I you know, everyone is different in terms of when they get to that point, right. But what he said, which I do think is somewhat true, he’s like, let’s say there’s this, I’m paraphrasing here. But let’s say that there’s this beautiful garden, that a guy you know, wants to get into, and it’s got this really tall wall, and he needs to learn about it. He’s dying to know what’s in the garden, he wants to get into the garden, he works to climb over the wall and gain the trust of the garden, and then he gets to play in the garden, right, versus the guy who just has a very short little fence, he can just step over into the garden, which guy is really going to stay and explore the garden. The guy who had to work really hard to climb over the wall is probably going to stay and invest in like I worked hard to get here. Like I’m really gonna get to know this garden and stay here for a while and enjoy it versus Oh, let me see what’s over in that other green grass.
Damona 22:52
Right, exactly, exactly. We need we need people exploring the garden. But we’re in the middle of a pandemic. Yeah. I’m curious, like, I’ve had to re examine some of my rules and rewrite them even for this period. Yeah. What do you think for those people who haven’t had any intimacy, who aren’t comfortable going on? dates? Or just emerging into that space? Is there a place for casual sex? Even if you are looking for a relationship right now?
Unknown Speaker 23:24
Um,
Unknown Speaker 23:26
I, you know, it’s not my I don’t feel like I can, the easy answer is no, right? If you want to protect yourself from COVID, and you want to, and you’re someone who practices social distancing, and casual sex would not be socially distancing. Right. So just from that perspective, you know, I think dating in general is is really tough right now. And I think there are, I think this is a really interesting time, psychologically, for us as a world and as a, you know, for our consciousness at all. You know, overall, because everybody due to the fear, and this and the unknown, and the craziness in the world right now in the economy in the macro and the micro, right. We are all facing different kinds of emotional demons, and some relationships, just being isolated and stuck together in a small place, and not being able to kind of do your ships passing in the night thing that kept you sustained for years, because you only spent a few hours a day together, you know, now those issues that you swept under the rug are coming to the surface and needing to be cleared. People who are isolating alone are facing things about themselves and about their relationships and even how they’ve set up their lives in ways that haven’t been serving them. And now it’s like right in their face because of everything going on and how they The world has had to stop. And so instead of going outside ourselves, we’ve all had to go inside ourselves and I think this is part of it. That with dating in general. You You know, especially now until a cure is found or vaccine or whatever you want to say until we get past this time, right? If you are, you’re not, when you go on a date, you’re not just exposing yourself, you’re exposing everyone in your quote unquote, bubble, right or in your network, you’re exposing your family or your friends are your co workers or whoever’s been in there with you. So it requires the downside is that if you want to be safe, during you know, safe during this time, whatever that means, you got to be clear on what your social distancing strategy is in general, and you’re going to be really slow to bring someone into your bubble now, that could really put the kibosh on dating, but the silver lining in that which is really interesting to me, is that because of the risk, you’re not going to jump into casual sex, you’re not going to go on a million date with dates with random strangers, you’re going to get to know people first, before you even meet in person. Mm hmm. You know, you’re gonna get clear, not only on like, whether or not this person is worth the risk, but what are your social distancing rules and your policies? It’s kind of like a safer sex conversation, but around COVID Yeah, very funny. It’s gonna require a lot more communication. But a lot of dating has required people so far, which is always a good thing.
Damona 26:21
I agree with you on that. And, and we are getting to that point where we have to make some decisions. And I’ve said this before, on the show, and and in other media that I think, as awful as COVID is, and as much as I wish it had never happened. I think the outcome will be positive on relationships, and dating, not necessarily on every relationship now. And I want to talk to you about the impact for people who are actually in relationships. You kind of touched on that a moment ago, but there was a study published in the Journal of evolutionary psychology that showed the top reasons that married people or people in relationships are unfaithful to their partners. What are some of these signs? Because I’m sure there’s some people listening taking notes that are like, Okay, what, what are the factors that could lead up to infidelity?
Unknown Speaker 27:14
Well, what’s even more interesting about your question is the factors that would be kind of red flags for infidelity, during normal times are going to be a little bit different during COVID times,
Damona 27:25
all that tea girl
Unknown Speaker 27:27
all day. So if your partner is cheating in the past, they would have had lots of business trips or been large periods of unaccounted for time outside the home or going out late at night. Yeah, they’re probably not doing that. But they probably are doing that on their computer, right? Or on their smartphone. So there’s lots of you know, they’re high. So in general, right, the typical signs, and these aren’t guaranteed, but red flags would be, you know, hiding their phone all the time. Sort of, you know, running off to the side to talk up late at night, you know, things that just seem secretive is what you’d be seeing in the home. Lots of care suddenly put into their appearance, new underwear, new outfits, you’re not going to see any of that, really, if you’re always in your sweatpants at home during COVID. Right? Before, you would notice that your partner was going to the gym more often or had suddenly started dressing differently or got new boxers or lingerie, you know, all of a sudden, you’re not gonna necessarily see those signs during that time. You know,
Damona 28:30
it’s funny, you brought that up, a friend of mine posted on Facebook that like this, like negligee, a popped up in his Facebook ads, and he was like, he was like, my wife was like, Why are you looking at negligee? He was like, it has nothing to do with me. And I said, what you need to ask her? is why she’s searching it because it’s your it’s your same IP address that bring those ads? And if you didn’t search for it, then either she did or you need to talk to your daughter.
Unknown Speaker 28:56
Yeah, and you know, why not? Right?
Damona 29:01
Right. I’m no good, put a good spin on it. She’s,
Unknown Speaker 29:05
maybe she was just gonna surprise them.
Damona 29:07
But in the midst of COVID COVID we’re seeing different sides,
Unknown Speaker 29:11
different times, just a lot of secrecy. You know, my whole thing is that if you are in a monogamous relationship, there is no reason why you shouldn’t have each other’s passwords. And not because you’re checking all the time, you shouldn’t be because there’s nothing to hide. But because there’s nothing to hide, right. But if your partner is very secretive about their social media, or their passwords or their phone, or they’re, like sneaking off all the time, or, you know, not really present because they’re, you know, and they’re really secretive. It’s not just like an addiction to their smartphone, like lots of people have but they’re kind of hiding it from you. And they’re not interested in sex or they seem like you know, I see often when people are cheating. Once in a while, they’ll get super nice out of guilt. But usually they get really kind of critical and mean out of guilt because Cuz it’s like an unconscious way to justify what they’re doing. So they’re finding problems with you, or the other person is highlighting and letting them you know, creating issues where they’re now finding problems with you. But it’s a hard time to tell because people are just stressed in general. I do think that, you know, Facebook is cited in one in five divorces Now,
Unknown Speaker 30:22
a lot of how so
Unknown Speaker 30:25
because it’s like being at a high school or college reunion on steroids. You know, if you think about 20 years ago, if you might, you know, connect back with your first love your college sweetheart, or whoever it was, at the reunion, you know, now you’re connecting all the time on social media, and you get in an argument with your spouse, or you’re feeling unappreciated, or you’re just bored, or whatever it is, you start chatting, you start creating this connection, one thing leads to another and instead of reinvesting the energy in your relationship, you’re, you know, redirecting it into something towards someone else. What
Damona 31:04
about just being in the space with your partner, all day, every day? I’ve also heard you cite lack of personal space as one of Yes, it’s a big one. Yeah, and a lot of people want to
Unknown Speaker 31:19
want to escape and use infidelity or cyber sex or strangers or whatever, just to kind of get away. Um, but to me, that’s a sign of something else going on. I don’t think your average person who has a healthy attachment to their partner would necessarily need to go find another partner to escape. But I do think that it is extremely common even in healthy relationships to feel cabin fever. And especially if you’re used to having your own space during the day. I mean, I’ve had couples who are in teeny tiny apartments stuck inside, you know, and they were hanging blankets from the ceiling, just to kind of create a little bit of an enclave for themselves. And then all the arguments about whose job is more important, especially when the kids weren’t in school, you know, I have a meeting on the phone. Well, so do I, well, who’s gonna watch the kids you know, and whose job is more important? So we’re seeing a lot of those arguments too. But I do think this is a great time because even you know, you’re not going to concerts or trips or things that you might have spent that disposable income before So spend it on some couples therapy, use this time to jumpstart your relationship and use this crisis I post
Damona 32:32
Dr. Laura Berman, thank you so much for joining us on dates in there. And everybody make sure you check out Dr. Laura Berman calm we’ll put the link in the show notes and get your hands on her books. Oh, my goodness. It’s not him. It’s you how to take charge of your love life and create the love and intimacy you deserve quantum love. Check it all out at Dr. Laura Berman calm. Thank you so much for being here.
Unknown Speaker 32:53
Thanks for having me. I use it for that.
Damona 32:56
Yeah. And I like the way that you phrase that like basically taking that other other money that you might have spend spent on a trip or something else, and really investing in yourself and your relationship. Because I feel like we’ve just been putting a lot of that self care and self personal development off. I mean, of course not my listeners are listening to the show. They’re they’re learning but, but in general, are always the last thing that you take care of. And it is a flippin perspective to think we have this opportunity now to
Unknown Speaker 33:30
Oh yeah, that’s a great opportunity. I mean, I’ve been and it’s a great plate way to create space, like my husband and I are home and the kids are home all day together. But I started getting really into drawing and painting so I’m just like, in it while there’s chaos, you know, for a couple of hours while there’s chaos all around me. But it’s it’s kind of mine mental escape and physical escape. In some cases. It’s so good
Damona 33:55
to have your own thing to like, I tell this to my single listeners a lot like you can’t expect your partner to be your everything.
Unknown Speaker 34:04
And I have no
Damona 34:06
interest in common with you. You have your own thing that you figured out has made you happy during COVID and you are well matched with your partner as I am for mine. But I’m curious about your perspective on soulmates. I actually just did a project with attention and AMC. They have a new show on soulmates and they asked if I believe in soulmates and people who listen to the show for a while know that I’m not I’m not a big fan of the idea of soulmates of thinking that there’s just one person out there that you are destined to match with because I think it makes you have to search for a needle in a haystack. I want to know what your perspective is and what you tell people in your book quantum love.
Unknown Speaker 34:53
Well,
Unknown Speaker 34:54
here’s the thing. I think you’re part I think that every deep relationship is a soulmate. You know, I think that we, I really believe that we aren’t, you know, humans who have this spiritual experience that we really are spirits energy having this human experience, and that the basis of all of that is love and connection, and any deep relationship we have most of all our love relationship. What I really believe, after all these years, and I believe it with every part of myself, is that what we’re really doing is having a relationship with ourselves through that other person. Because our partner is our greatest teacher, and they’re triggering things in us. They’re inspiring things in us, they’re connecting dots inside of us. inspiring us, you know, but but it’s all about our own soul growth, which is why I think every person that we deeply connect with that way is a soulmate. So I do believe in a soulmate from the standpoint but it’s not one, it’s every close relationship is part of that journey to learning to love and be loved better, which is really what we’re here for.
Damona 36:04
I fully believe in that. And I want to just put a button on it for everybody listening, that that when you have this idea of one soulmate that really keeps you stuck and it keeps you in this is this and it keeps you in FOMO What if this person who I’m really into is not my soulmate?
Unknown Speaker 36:24
What if I’m like lose, you know,
Unknown Speaker 36:25
what if I’m committing to this person, but really go might be someone who’s really my soulmate, and I’m telling myself, This is my soulmate, right? Or you just keep blowing off opportunities, because you know, or you wait around forever thinking that there’s this one soulmate, and I don’t think that’s how I really have not found that that’s how we’re designed but your relationship should help grow your soul, for sure, for sure.
Damona 36:49
And I also agree with you on that point, that when you’re with somebody who really is your soulmate, one of your soul mates, you want to be a better person, it drives you to be the best version of yourself and you learn so much. And this is one of the reasons I’m so passionate about helping people in relationships because I just feel like my life has grown so much since I met my husband and it’s really the most important decision you’ll ever make who you choose to spend your life partner your life to life partner. So I am totally on board with everything you’ve said. And thank you for saying it in a much smarter way than I ever could have. True please check out Dr. Berman’s book, quantum love. Use your body’s atomic energy to create the relationship you desire. We’ll put the link in the show notes to get it on Amazon. Just a little disclaimer we get like a couple bad pennies if you buy it through our link. Not huge but we just really want you to get this book and support Dr. Laura Berman and make it super easy for you. This has been Episode 332 of dates and mates. I would love to have you in my patreon group. I would love to get into the nitty gritty of whatever your cuffing season dilemma is your COVID dating situation, your relationship infidelity. I don’t know whatever you’re dealing with. I want to know and I want to help you with it so you can join me there@patreon.com slash dates and mates. Hit me up on the socials at damona Hoffman. Remember I have that dear demona episode coming up. So I’m going to need your questions you can just slide into the DMS or even better leave me a voicemail you can leave it anytime day or night 424-246-6255 and you could hear your voice on a future episode of dates and maids. I’ll be back again next week with our special Halloween horror stories annual episode Look, they may have canceled trick or treating. They are not canceling Halloween horror stories on dates and mates. It’s been happening for years. And it will happen again next week. But guess what? We need stories we need to know what your worst dating horror stories are. So please get those dating horror stories in. And until next week. I wish you happy dating October and that means our annual Halloween dating horror stories episode is coming. What’s the worst thing that happened to you on a date? Do you want to warn others? I know you’ve had some spooky, frightening and downright creepy things happen to you on dates and now it’s your chance to tell your tale.
Unknown Speaker 39:46
So the next thing is she comes back in and she’s holding the 38 per bar.
Unknown Speaker 39:54
And then he’s like look and I scroll and I see a dick pic and it was like he this was a black man to dig deeper. was a white man. Why do you have a dick pic in your phone? He was just like, Oh, can you just overlook it? And I was like, No, we have to talk about this. It’s not even in your messages you say you download it.
Unknown Speaker 40:19
I get down stairs and my dates on a vest book. He lifts up the seat of the vest box in which he has washed in a bag a paper bag of course peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that he made at home random like Mexican ship that he got at it at an event he said and a grab bag one of those like guest bags people like like a goodie bag. He kept saying muggles to me. What? First of all, sir, what the heck is a muggle
Damona 40:53
I can’t wait to hear your dating horror stories and help others from suffering a similar fate more
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
