Body Language & Wife Guys
FIND YOUR ‘WIFE GUY’ USING BODY LANGUAGE CLUES
Susan Ibitz, the Human Behavior Hacker, teaches us this week that you can find your ‘wife guy’ by looking at specific body language cues or even wrinkle lines!
What is a wife guy? Glad you asked: a wife guy is basically a marriage-minded man. And while body language and wrinkle lines can’t exactly tell you if the men you are looking for has marriage on the mind, they can tell you if they would be a good candidate for marriage.
More on body language later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (2:50)
Why are y’all hating on Sexiest Man Alive, John Legend?
People has crowned this year’s sexiest man alive, and we are elated to report that John Legend won the crown. But not everyone is as excited as we are it seems. The internet seems to be rioting over the fact that John Legend is a nerdy “wife guy.” We see no problem.
This year’s best cities for singles
Every year, Wallet Hub gives us a definitive list of the best cities for singles. Can you guess the top city? Here’s a clue:
Are your dating profile topics inappropriate?
We might agree with GQ – maybe don’t debate Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy theories on Hinge? BUT, Damona does say that keeping your dating profiles current with lots of hot tops is a good idea. She breaks it down.
BODY LANGUAGE & FACE READING (13:30)
Read them like an open book
Susan Ibitz, a longtime professional in face reading and behavior hacking, actually started her career negotiating hostage situations and analyzing faces for the police. She wrote the book on face and behavior reading – no seriously she was the first person to create a training program that incorporates things like statement analysis in linguistics, micro expressions, and body language.
So basically, she’s more than qualified to tell us if the person you’re dating is who you are looking for.
We go in-depth on:
- BIG RED FLAG: They don’t use “I” in their profile
- Wrinkle lines that portend empathy
- Big Ears are a good thing
- So are big hands ;)
Don’t forget to share this episode on social media and tag Damona (@DamonaHoffman) on all the socials for a chance to win your free consultation with Susan Ibitz!
TECHNICALLY DATING (44:41)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- My wife and I are seeking a 3rd to be our girlfriend. What apps or advice could you give us in finding the perfect match?
- What is the best type of date for a situationship? Ask her for coffee, movie, or dinner?
- I’ve casually dated after a serious relationship that turned toxic and have met a guy who I’m interested in. When we’re together everything feels really natural and easy, but when we’re apart I convince myself he’s not interested or that it won’t work. What can I do to control my anxiety over this relationship? Is this a sign I’m not ready for a relationship after the toxic one? (I quit the toxic relationship four months ago but it’s been two since we last spoke.)
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Welcome to Dates & Mates, I’m certified dating coach Damona Hoffman and I’m here to handle all of the challenges you’re having in love as I have on this show for the last seven years, and on to A&E Networks TV series. And for Match.com users or Match dating app users and so much more.
So no matter how you got here, I’m happy to have you and I’m happy to be able to share what I know about love, relationships, sex, dating, all of that on today’s show.
You know, I have a question for you: If you’re dating, wouldn’t it be so much easier if we all had the ability to tell if someone was a match, just from a glance? How much time and heartache would it save you ff you could read your dates from the start like an open book? Actually, this is possible. And no, you don’t even have to be psychic to do it!
On the show, I will be talking to Susan Ibitz, the Human Behavior Hacker, about how to know the real deal about your date just by looking at their profile or by what they say and do on a date.
But first, we’ve got headlines. Today we were talking about the New Sexiest Man Alive, and why people are so mad about him being picked.
And the numbers are in: which cities are the best ones for dating this year.
Plus, are the topics in your dating profile inappropriate?
We’ll find all of that and more plus, we’ll be answering your questions including how to find a girlfriend who wants to date both you and your wife. And what’s the best place to go on a situationship date. All that and so much more on today’s Dates & Mates.
Producer Leah is in the house and ready to do these headlines with me.
Hi, Leah. You sound like you’ve had your coffee.
So have I so let’s do this!
The new issue of People magazine has hit newsstands and yes, they are naming the Sexiest Man Alive this year. It’s John Legend. And some people on Twitter are kind of turned up about it. Turns out not everyone is as excited as I am about John Legend being picked. I think this man who they are calling the “King of all Wife Guys”, is a perfect pick. He’s gorgeous. First of all, he is also extremely talented. I mean, have you heard his music and PS he is an excellent partner to his wife. He is an excellent father. He is out here like repin for the Marriage minded men. Why people gotta hate Leah?
Leah Schell 3:04
Honestly. He’s so perfect. And I don’t know why there’s so much hate like he’s so much better than Blake Shelton. So
That was my death rattle for Blake Shelton. I don’t know, which was worse. Adam Levine or Blake Shelton? Like I know the voice is really huge. And it’s a show I used to really dig and watch
Leah Schell 3:26
Oh my god, maybe they’re going through all the voice judges
NO! LIke they just must have a really great publicist.
Leah Schell 3:34
I will say that like I did go through my Adam Levine phase like in high school. Oh my god, “Songs About Jane” era, Adam Levine. So, so top notch.
I just feel like it’s just from his, his performance on the Super Bowl performance alone. That’s enough for him to just be scratched off. For forever and eternity.Just shameless like taking off Your shirt and showing that your entire body is covered and
Leah Schell 4:05
I feel like that’s what people expect out of Sexiest Man Alive so maybe like that’s why they’re rioting over John Legend
John Legend’s too classy this man has an EGOT for crying out loud! An Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and Tony. There’s a handful of people alive that even have that many awards, let alone those specific awards. But I you know, I like that Chrissy has jumped in and people have just taken this to the nth degree, saying like, “oh, it should be Idris Elba” and then putting up pictures of Idris next to
Leah Schell 4:40
Yeah, a 1994 picture of John Legend and unfortunately, John Legend did look like the most nerdy I’ve ever seen him look in my entire life.
Well, you know what, I gotta tell you something from as a married lady who is with someone That maybe on the nerd spectrum. I think nerds make really great husbands as Chrissy Teigen has found out, but I mean, he’s sexy, he is undeniably sexy. So I think people just need to back off. It’s like such a blessing and a curse to be named the sexiest man alive. Because you know people are going to come out of the woodwork and and they’re going to throw stuff at you. And you just have to be ready.
Leah Schell 5:27
Also, I’d rather not be like Brad Pitt for the 80th time, you know?
Yeah, yeah, we’re so over that are so over that. Get your life together. Take care of your wife and kids and maybe you can –
Maybe he should have taken care of his wife. Obviously he didn’t. He’s addressing his alcoholism problem. He’s trying to take care of his kids, so maybe he can be back on top again. But for this year, I’m repping for John Legend.
Speaking of new things this year that come around every year this time of year: Wallet Hub. Our friends at Wallet Hub have done their survey of the best and worst cities to date. I think we’ve covered this like for the last three years. And it changes periodically. But essentially a lot of the same cities stay on top. A lot of the same cities are the bottom.
But if you weren’t listening to this episode last year, I’m going to tell you what this year’s results are. If you are in Atlanta, you’re keeping it hot and hotlanta that is, according to Wallet Hub, the top city for singles. Denver, San Francisco, San Diego, and Portland rounded out the top five.
How do they come to these numbers you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. They look at the economics rank. Like how much does it cost to go on a date in the city? They look at fun and recreation. How fun is it to go on a date in the city? And then they look at dating opportunities. How many people here are single and how many people are already coupled up. So according to that, my city of Los Angeles number seven, we could do worse. But then they really broke it down into some other smaller cities.
And Glendale, which is not too far from me, was almost at the bottom of the list, followed only by Pembroke Pines, Florida, which I’ve never heard of. I’m sorry for all my pembrokies that are listening. And Pearl City, Hawaii, which leads me to think we’re in Hawaii, if you’re in Hawaii. Isn’t that good enough? What you think about these rankings Producer Leah?
Leah Schell 7:40
Okay. Well, I mean, I could see Pearl City, Hawaii, because Isn’t that like an army base?
Yeah, but you’re in Hawaii.
Leah Schell 7:49
Hawaii. Yeah, the ranking for for singles was pretty low. The dating opportunities rank compared to It was, like 175 is compared to Atlanta where it’s three. Right? But people ask me a lot of times, they ask: Are there certain cities that are better to date in than other cities? But then I also hear from listeners that say, my city is the worst city to date. And like it’s so hard today
Leah Schell 8:18
and it’s always somebody who lives in Los Angeles.
No, it’s not always though. Yes, people in LA Love, love to talk about how hard it is to date here. And we’re number seven, but I hear it in New York. I hear it from people in Chicago. I hear it. I’ve heard it in Atlanta as well. So maybe it’s not so much about the city as it is about the way that you are approaching dating in that city. I get it. You know, it’s Wallet Hub. So the dating economics is a factor. It is more expensive to date in certain cities and others but another reason Producer Leah why I say do the one hour just just do drink or coffee or ice cream or something really low commitment for the first date because you can’t be spending all this money on a dinner date.
If you’re in if you’re in a market like Los Angeles 177 in the economics factor.
Speaking of haters, if you are on a dating app, there are some topics that you may want to avoid mentioning. You know how on hinge and different dating apps, they prompt you to answer different questions. Well, it turns out people are answering these questions in a pretty provocative way. According to GQ, they’re saying we should not be talking about things like Jeffrey Epstein’s death and conspiracy theories around it on dating apps, maybe we shouldn’t be talking about politics. And people are using these headlines to give their dating profile, a little umph. Now, I believe that there are certain topics you shouldn’t discuss on a first date and definitely not on a dating profile. But I can see pros and cons to to weeding people out with topical headlines. What do you think Producer Leah?
Leah Schell 10:17
I mean not to get too into the politics. I do like a see how it would be awkward.
It’s not hot talking about Jeffrey Epstein.
Leah Schell 10:25
Definitely not. I just thought would be a huge turnoff to me. But like, I don’t know, a provocative question might be interesting.
Here’s what I like about it. I like that your dating profile needs to evolve. Like I’ve said on the show before people have this set it and forget it mentality like oh, I did my dating profile two years ago and I don’t know why I’m not getting anyone who aligns with what I’m looking for. And you have to think of your dating profile as a living document. It has to be continually evolving and updating and growing and changing just like you are. But when you have something that’s current in the news, other than Jeffrey Epstein’s death, that can show first of all that you are keeping current and that you care about what’s happening in the world. And also that your profile is current, because sometimes I’m on here swiping for clients. And I’m like, I know this profile has not been touched in two years. And this person is not even active on the site, because it feels so out of date. So according to this article, it actually can get you a higher response rate. Even though it may be a huge turnoff to some. It could be something that engages the right kind of person.
Leah Schell 11:44
Yeah, actually, I just remembered this one guy on a dating app that I saw like a year ago, and I don’t think he was too political, but he’s still had like an engaging question. It was: “I hate ice cream, debate me” and like that got him lots of responses. So I don’t know maybe that’s just another way.
I think that could work for a guy. I think if a girl was like, “debate me” they’d be like she’s too aggro. I would, I would jump into that debate just because I’ve discovered I’m lactose intolerant. But that’s a whole other topic for a whole other day. I have discovered that there is a really good coconut ice cream that is at my local ice cream shop. So I can have my cake – I can have my cake flavored ice cream, and I can eat it too. And so can you if you’re listening to Dates & Mates.
In just a moment, we will be back with Susan Ibitz of the Human Behavior Lab. Y’all let me tell you, this woman knows things. She can tell you how to read the face of your potential dates on a dating app, how to read someone in a first date setting and also how to tell what their body language is saying to you when you’ve been missing all of these signals all along.
This is one episode that you have to stay tuned for. And don’t forget to do three to keep it free, subscribe to the show, give us a review, and share this episode with a friend. And it’s that simple. You do those three, and you’ll keep Dates & Mates free for maybe seven more seasons.
We’ll have more Dates & Mates in just a minute.
13:21 Commercial Break
I’m here with Susan Ibitz, who is a longtime professional in face reading and behavior hacking. Susan actually started her career negotiating hostage situations and analyzing faces for the police. She literally wrote the book on face and behavior reading. No, seriously. She was the first person to create a training program that incorporates things like statement analysis in linguistics and micro expressions, and body language. And now all of that juicy info can actually be applied to dating. And today she’s going to tell us if the person that you’re dating is really the person that you’re looking for. Please help me give big speeches to Susan Ibitz.
Susan Ibitz 14:07
Hi Damona, how’re you doing? Thank you for the intro
Oh my gosh, this is such a valuable skill. I don’t know how you go through life like without just analyzing every single person that you meet. I imagine that’s happening on some level but I want to impart some of that wisdom and get some takeaway for our listeners today.
Susan Ibitz 14:28
Who told you then I’m not going through life analyzing everyone. Yesterday, I hired a handyman to do work on the studio in the office. And like, Oh, I get it. And I start talking to him. And he’s like, Oh, I feel like you know me. Oh, you don’t have any idea how much I know you’re ready.
But as these folks that are listening are beginning new relationships are there they’re meeting people for the first time or even let’s back it up to we’re swiping on dating profiles. Can you actually tell just by looking at someone’s face on a dating profile if they are a good match for you or not?
Susan Ibitz 15:09
How do you think I get my boyfriend?
Sounds like there’s a story there, Susan.
Susan Ibitz 15:15
I did an experiment and I wasn’t the first person to do it a couple I was thinking of like a year and a half ago, where I was analyzing profiles on dating sites. So you have two ways to determine how the person is by what they write and by what their face is telling you. So I start on the weekends for fun because I was single at that point experiment called the Victorian Secret. So I was given keynote speaking in classes in sex shops and people who is matchmaker and they bring these so I can read the profiles. And I found out that people who doesn’t use I on their profile like for example, “Love to hiking, love the outdoors, love to go for food “ They don’t use I love I do I want there are people who hiding things more than the others. So if you find a profile that says I love to hike, I love these i that is a good sign. But if you don’t find the word I on a profile, we have a problem.
This is very profound and people ask me all the time, what to say in a profile to to be attractive. If you say I too much, though, couldn’t that be a problem as well?
Susan Ibitz 16:43
Well, maybe for the normal I. For me when I have friends Believe me, my friends call me the first thing they do when they found a match is like so so here’s the picture and here’s the profile. Even though I have the passport and access to multiple My friends profile there ones are single you it’s it’s a thing like too much I can be kind of narcissistic. But if I telling you what I love if I telling you what I like and I don’t put myself there, he didn’t defy with the things that I like that must be a problem they’re constructing from not reality what they want you to think about themselves and know what they’re really is going on. So if I says, I love to read on the weekends and if I says love read on the weekends is maybe I want to look like intellectual one, what I want to look refined or something like that. It’s That’s the difference. So you need to make you need to measure if you’re not saying you’re not owning the experience. It’s something that you’re putting on to try to be attractive. Correct. You need to own the experience by saying, I want to win you talking about the things that you like, you need to own it. But if somebody somebody is talking about the things they like, and they’re not owning it, that is a big warming that you need to pay attention.
Okay, so now let’s talk about the face to face reading. And I see, I know that through Human Behavior Lab, your company, you actually provide reports for people and you ask for a photo of a face in a neutral position, a photo of the face smiling, and the right ear and head and left here in it. So you’re getting you’re getting the 360 there. But for the dating, let’s say you’re just looking browsing on dating apps. What can you tell from someone’s dating app photos?
Susan Ibitz 18:45
Depends on what you’re looking for. You can determine if somebody’s going to be generous with their money. They’re going to be a good father. good husband, a good partner, one amazing sexual experience for the weekend. Oh,
how do we know this? How can we tell other than Of course hiring you to do a full now? How can we tell you? At first glance,
Susan Ibitz 19:06
I guess what you want to know how to know that a person is going to be a really good sexual partner.
Girl you read into that? Actually, I know some of my listeners are like yes please please tell us. I would love to know that but more importantly, I would love to know if there are any red flags like sometimes they say someone who is a psycho sociopath or a psychopath may have certain facial expressions or their eyes may be may look at a different way. What is your research show on that?
Susan Ibitz 19:40
Well, I will be brutally delicate with this sociopath psychopath and psychologist tendencies. I’m not a I’m not a therapist. I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a therapist. So I will not go to go deep there. What I can say is that we have wrinkles on the face the wrinkles On the eyes, the wrinkles on the chick, the wrinkles between the eyes. Those are wrinkles who has to do with empathy has to do with the strain has to do with intelligent has to do with you mark. If you find a person who is over the age of 30 in they don’t have any empathy, wrinkle lines, who are the lines like we the women called CrossFit. If you don’t find in a men, any of those wrinkles, that is a huge sign because that’s mean that doesn’t have empathy to others. So
another thing is crow’s feet like on the corner of your eye, if you have empathy, you would have basically created those wrinkles through empathetic facial expressions.
Susan Ibitz 20:46
Yes, when you hold expression for too long is like laughing and smiling and going through pain. Those wrinkles get a GPS to your brain. So if you find someone who doesn’t have any wrinkles who had to do with empathy with a smile and or pain, how you read pain on people’s life, you see those lines to start on the tip of the nose, on the bottom of the nose and go all around until your chin. Those are lines who has to do with pain and grieving. So if you find somebody who is over the age of 30, and they don’t have any line who show that they went through life, feeling things that can be a person who’s really cold and detached from feelings, so depending what you’re looking for, in my case, I’m really a Brainiac. I look for a person who is more about the brain than the feelings I’m not a feeling I’m not a failure. I’m not like oh, I don’t feel your pain. I don’t cry with you. I don’t want people who like Oh my love how you feeling like I don’t care how how a fan is how I want to fix it. So his health has a lot to do with you look in an abbreviation Most women look for a men who can listen and who can understand. So I would says instead to concentrate on the wrinkles go to the ears. When a person has big ears is a good listener. When a men have ears that, for example, your head start in the two bumps, where your hairline start, even though if you’re bald, you can find two bumps on the top of your head and your face and your chin. So if you draw lines on the top of your ear, and the bottom of your ear, and that ear, feed your face, three times and more that is a person who has small ears is a person who’s gonna listen with their eyes, their visual they need to see that the reason women we pay so much attention how we look on a date and how the our date look on now, multiple Men have big ears. So if you grab the same ear and you try to make it match on the face and match two and a half times or or less, that is a big ear. That’s a recent men listen and listen and listen and listen. And sometimes you get to your partner like, Hey, dude, are you paying attention to me? like yeah, I listen, everything that uses I don’t want to interrupt you. So men tend to be a better listen and on the way, they’re going to get through what you saying they’re not going to interact as much as women one by asking question or going back to questions. Now, if you find a men who have low distance between the eyelid and the eyebrow is a person who going to tend to interrupt so the mana you’re going to ask me like, wait a minute, I have a good listener, but interrupt is because their mind is going too fast and they tried to captivate information as much as they want, and they’re going to come back to you with a lot of caution. So I, a couple of years ago, I used to do couples like problems of coaching. And the problem wasn’t they’re not good communicators there weren’t communicating on the wrong way. big ears are listening. Small ears are visual, hyper eccentric, but that is the distance between the eyelid and the eyebrows is if you have high proximity. You see women tend to have high distance between the eyelid and the eyebrow. There need more time. They don’t want to be rushed. Men tend to have low proximity they’d like do it now yesterday. Good. Let’s go for it. You never heard about a couple who’s like Saturday 1145. And he says, oh, let’s go to get our car and she says like, wait a minute. We didn’t do a budget. We didn’t talk about it. We don’t need to rush on that. So and the shape of the iris has to do with that too. Sorry.
I want to understand is this. It sounds like it’s a balance between the way you have used your face throughout your life and also some innate traits that lend yourself to developing certain skill sets more than others
Susan Ibitz 25:10
in my understanding that right I’ve been a studied twins identical twins that are over the age of 40. And if you look on the pictures until the age of 1618, they have the same wrinkles. When you want to be clear, when you read on the face is features, who are the ears, the eyebrows, the team, you studied dimples, where your dimples are located is with people get attention to your face and you started wrinkles. So wrinkles has to do with experience who have to do with love, pain and grieving. The features are the intake process and express information. And the dimples is where people pay attention and how lucky you can be with certain things. If you do if you do phase rating on the Asian Wait, I do it on the word what Western way is more hardcore? So I don’t I don’t thing yeah you have to kind of fishy enemies wonder used by the Chinese to diagnose people with medical problems and we have the west or one who’s been used by hostage negotiator dating lawyers. Jury selection. Oh my god this is way deeper has been happening for 5000 years. It’s not a lot of people who that phrase reading because it’s complex but you can learn the basic. So everything who happened in your face is a GPS to your brain. Micro expressions are GPS to your emotion, emotions happening right now. And body language is everything that you want to conceal. But it’s so strong that your body give you away emotion hiding, I’m not connected disconnected. So regarding face reading, if you hold expression. If you hold pain for a long time, that pain is going to start showing in your face because your face become a map of the agreement or the happiness you have people who have a line on the tops on the top of them, the nose and the corner of the nose, that you see those wrinkles when people smile. That is people who handled things with humor. In your case we was talking before we started the interview as our Damona, you cope everything with you more you must be really fun to work around. Whatever totally
can can chime in on that or not. But um yes, I do approach everything with humor and you totally nailed it. Like I you also said I’m a fixer. And obviously if I’m doing the show, I try to fix people’s problems. But the way that I do it, like you said with humor is absolutely is absolutely it. So I would get a swipe right
Susan Ibitz 28:00
What if you’re looking for someone? Okay? There are two different ways that we date him. I don’t know if you ever read George Miller, the mating mind, he’s an order to who talk about what are different between what we look in when we’re in the 20s. And we went to meet and have kids, and maybe when your 40s and use your second relationship or your second marriage, and you’re not expecting to have kids or you already have your kids, so when you look in on that person is different. When you’re 20 you’re looking for the first perfect father and it has been to go through the having a baby getting the baby to become an adult going to college. And maybe today it’s really difficult, grow to be a partner in crime when you’re on the 70s. But in my case, when you’re in your late 40s and you already has been married, you went through all the things and when you look for a partner in crime, you’re looking for different things. You look for intelligent you look for ways to manage money, you look for ways to retire, you look for somebody who make you smile, share your
sexual compatibility element that we that we teased earlier.
Susan Ibitz 29:10
Oh, now you want to know we want to know that you are on the face to
Susan Ibitz 29:15
Well, I’m going to tell you two things. And I have my cheat sheet here. Levy, the lines are the two lines who gone from the bottom of your nose to the top of your lips. So there are two lines and some people had a really, really identify in some people as like, under define. So people who have white lines, they like physical cards and affection, they tend to be more sexual. Now when those lines are close together, there are more reserved, they can be hot, but they’re going to be more reserved. You’re going to need to wait to see they’re not going to be touchy and get on to you. Now if those lines are defined on the top of the lip, the lip. Don’t underestimate the passion but don’t expect to be recognized for being sexy or being sexual. So they’re going to be more like comedian. Everything who is undefined on your face like people who doesn’t have seek Oh well, prominent eyebrows. We call it comedian. That is the kind of people who’s like, oh, they’re going to be hiding on the back and waiting to see what happened. So your labs are important too. So if you find a person with large ear lobes who are really easy to be fine, in the case of the gentleman don’t see that fear loves when women have like long and heavy earrings. And by the way, we have three faces, the faces that we was born with, the phrase that we want to become on the face of the life give us somebody do Pearson And they want to enlarge the era. lobs would happen is they want to tell you that’s how they going to reflect themselves. So people with long Arabs who can be by Pearson are natural, they notice everything good with details, they’ll will remember everything, even the clothing, the colors the remit deal was wearing. So if you see somebody with big beer loads, and you want to attract the person, make sure you pay attention to details and the color and make sure to do these kind of question like, what is your preferred color? What is the if you have a passion of a night of passion, what color you will like your partner to be wearing? So make sure to take notes.
Wow, that is that’s in depth information, Susan Ibitz. I you touched on body language as well. And I really want to know what people can tell on a first second third date from the body language. Because that’s where it gets sort of, it gets sort of confusing for a lot of clients and what their comfort level is with touch or with be just being in their own body on a first date may differ from what the other person is bringing to the table.
Susan Ibitz 32:21
First advice. One thing that I and I see people doing on the first date, it’s sitting in front of each other. When you sit in front of each other, usually it’s a business date is not a this is a business meeting is not a date, you want to create rapport. When I was dating, I always met the person on the bar and when they asked you want to be moving to the table, only if we set next next to each other but not for in front of each other. Because when you put a barrier is more difficult to touch is more difficult to approach is more difficult to smell is more difficult to listen is really difficult to find a restaurant or bar that is not too noisy. So if you’re not sitting next to each other, so if you want to create, like fast rapport, what you need to do is sex and sit next to each other on the bar on the table on a 90 degree, never in front, don’t put everything. Don’t put everything in front of you who can be a barrier. It’s like when women holding their hand backs against the chest. That is a barrier that is like I don’t feel comfortable I want to run away from here. I’m so glad you said that because I’ve said this for a long time just in terms of building connection and everything that you said that you can be close enough to touch if you sit kitty corner catty corner however you say it. I’ve said that for a while Susan, but I didn’t. I didn’t have the social science, the behavioral science to back it up and so thank you forgiving me receipts for my long term dating life long You know, I’m done wanna we are Natural we we are born with these naturally. Dr. Matsumoto in 2008 do and study in find out that athletes who are born blind and the one who are not born blind, they have the same micro micro and body language, body language expression when they lose and they win. So it’s encoded in our DNA. What happen is, I’m going to give an example. You get your husband take the kids to dinner, and it says, honey, make sure you give the kids health engineer your husband says, Okay, good I going to give you we’re going to go to McDonald’s, but don’t tell your mom. So what happened is we learn from our parents to high emotions to do white lights. And we tend to like all tell your kids don’t put that phase when your grandmother come with a lemon pie even though you hate it, but smiley face, so we tend to high emotion We tend to encode, can you imagine if we can get a kid who’s between five and 10 years old, and we help them to develop these way to communicate to have in human intelligence will be unstoppable. So what you saying is your success sense, as a matchmaker as a person who’s a fixer, who is who you perceive and you see, and what you say is is naturally encoded in your brain. Now you have this studies showing that is true.
I love it. Thank you for giving us that info. So just to recap, everybody, don’t sit interview style. And just like Susan said, don’t have the barriers between you. But how do you know if something How can you tell if someone is interested in you, I hear all the time. From our listeners and from my clients. They’ll say well, I kind of liked him, but I couldn’t tell if he was into me. It doesn’t differ between genders.
Susan Ibitz 36:00
I have a trick. I never ever pay attention to the body. I never pay attention to the hands even though we’re going to talk about hands. The real important is the feet. If you see a capital face in the feet each other, they like each other. But I used to go and the bar closed in Chicago and like oh my god, I know the bartender and when I was born in my house, I used to go to the bar and we played taps, who’s gone with whom what is the first day what is going wrong what is going good and by the way, I was training him and can get better teach thing to that so Charlie only a lot of money. We will start looking on the feet. If the people is facing the fear because remember for years to says, you can lie with your mouth, you can lie with your body, but your feet are going to give you away so pay attention to the other person Phaedra They’re facing even though for example you’re in a bar and you both facing the bar when you just met the first person tilting the chair or tilting the body to face you is the one the first one who gets back on the attention and is the first one or I like you wait for the second person to do the same action. So if the second person doesn’t get the action, what can happen is more introvert is more shy feel like oh my god what I’m doing here this woman is too hot. She’s going to dump me all these guys too hard. He’s going to see then I forgot to watch my my my legs. So there are another situation who can happen a never happened to you that your team during the daily nap at 10am in the morning says hey, let’s go to the for for drinking it. Should I teach him to watch? My legs doesn’t show like what a date I need to hide it. So there another circles stanzas. But in one point, you forget where you’re located. You forget that your conscience and your body is going to be facing. So pay attention to the feet doesn’t matter the hand is smiling or not pay attention to the feet and everything. If you’re with someone and you notice the other person is nervous and doesn’t give away and is like in this country situation, what you can do, Jim Kelly, and asking permission initially, is put the hand on the knee and says, Hey, everything is okay. Do you want another dream? Do you want to eat something? gently put a hand for five seconds on the on the leg and let it go until the other person is start feeling better. Another thing touch the elbow to the to the shoulder softly and a trick that I used to you when I was dating is like I touch the chest of the guy like oh my god, that is awesome. And take take it away. Oh my God. That is awesome. Take it away and teach touching the need. And at the end of the day, even though I’m not a feeler, I’m not a culture. I’m not the kind of person who Cardinals are walking on the street holding hands. It was like, Oh, you make me feel really comfortable. I really appreciate it. And at the end of the day, what happened is no what happened during all the date is not what you did is no what you say is how you make me feel. So if you’re approachable, if you if you was warm to me, if you make me feel comfortable, because remember, we don’t know what is going on with our date until we start knowing each other and we can talk in a way that we can express those feelings but in the beginning, doesn’t matter how much exposure you are and how much dating you have done is a horrible situation because it’s telling your story again, is like controlling yourself is thinking like, Oh, this person is gonna like me isn’t I’m not gonna like me. I’m too weird. I’m not weird, like, what’s going on?
That I love everything that you’re saying, Susan, because this is the stuff that people don’t talk about with dating. And it’s so valuable and so useful, because we’re all out here, like swiping by chance, and second guessing what we’re feeling on the date. And I’m so glad that you said, it’s about how they make you feel. I was just talking to a client yesterday. And you know, I asked her about how this date when she’s going down the checklist like well, he was smart. He had a good job. And I said, but how did he make you feel? Because that’s really what you should be paying attention to. We can we can do this on paper all day long. But if you don’t feel right with the person, then it’s not going to go anywhere.
Susan Ibitz 40:47
If someone is I’m sorry. You know what it’s not about who is the most interesting person on the conversation? Is that person make you feel like nobody else is on the room? If I have a person in front of me to make me feel like nobody else is walking in the room, we are alone on the wall that is a taker.
That is a really good way to look at it. Any final words of wisdom that you can share you shared so much. And I know you have a lot more that people can explore. And if they want to go more in depth with someone that they’re dating, they can get an analysis that Human Behavior Lab calm. But any final words of wisdom as people are, are on dating apps and looking for the right match how they can, how they can tell if they have the right person for them in front of
Susan Ibitz 41:41
them. First of all, for personal experience, I like complex personalities, but I don’t want to complicated people. We need to understand the different, every human, every human being is complex and the wrong way even even though you think you’re simple. You’re a complex machine. So Be true to yourself and identify when somebody is trouble and when somebody conflicts. Second of all, you never know what is going on with the other person. My partner, we was for three months texting until we finally met. All my friends that are he’s dating somebody else. He’s playing with you. You know what happened. He was going through a really difficult situation with a family member who finally died. And he didn’t feel good to say it. It was something in my guts who says, You know what, he’s not lying to me something else is going on. So be aware who you are your five confident people in your life. Dating should be private to the people that you can trust and can be neutral until you’re sure who you have in front of you. Because friends always looking for the best of you but nobody have enough maturity not to be bad. Because everybody put their own experience in your experience. So be true to your gods. If someone is telling you that that person that you’re talking is why for you, keep it private sometime is better to surprise your friend like, Oh, we had been seen each other for three months. You didn’t say anything like, because was my business because at the end of the day, you’re the person putting the head on the people. And you need to be true to yourself. Another thing is, you have warning signs, pay attention. It’s a little dangerous outside, that the reason is good to have somebody like you the Mona, who can lead us to be aware of the danger things. If somebody asked you for money is something doesn’t sit right. Get away. Another thing. What I did when I was dating is I always have the first date on the same bar, and I knew the bartender I even knew when he wasn’t there. So if I’m going to the bathroom. And if I need to leave for any reason for a call, I always make sure that he checked my drink that he checked, I checked and gone leader so he could check on my date and text me was going on, go to a safe place, feel safe emotionally and physically is part of the date. Because at the end of the night, we don’t know where we’re going to encounter. So be true to yourself sometime is good to talk things with your pillow or people who is an expert on the field. And be be true to your Gods because at the end, we have that intrinsic instinct. Just follow that doesn’t matter how old you are
such great advice, Susan and also such great information. I hope everyone at home was taking copious notes and will follow up with you to get their in depth report at human behavior. lab.com Thank you so much for being here Susan. By girls. Thank you
And now you have questions. I have answers and it’s time for our next segment. Alright, Producer Leah is here with me to tackle these questions. We have this one who comes to us from Instagram. And this is from a listener who heard me on the horrible decisions podcast last week. If you haven’t heard that, go check out horrible decisions. It’s an awesome and provocative show. But this person says, My wife and I are seeking a third to be our girlfriend. What apps or advice could you give us in finding the perfect match? Ooh, Producer lyst coming in hot today. Hot Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Okay, I could tell you, there are some dating apps. Okay, so there’s there’s a couple different categories here. There’s swingers apps. And there are apps for people that are polyamorous that are more looking for a relationship and then there is just Straight up creeping. So I would say you’re best off going sounds like with the second. And this is apps that are either designed for polyamorous situations or that are open to polyamorous situations I find and I actually wrote an article on polyamory for BT. com y’all can look it up or maybe we’ll put it we’ll put in the show notes on Dates & Mates calm. But I did a lot of research I learned way more than I actually needed to know about polyamory. But the important thing was that many of the people who were polyamorous tended to use OK Cupid as their app of choice but the really important thing is that you lead with that info because you don’t want to be misleading somebody else who’s thinking that they’re getting a relationship just with you, and then spring it on them on the first day. Oh, by the way, I’m actually looking for a triad I want you to be in a relationship also, with my wife. Like that cannot happen on the first date that has to happen in filter. Through the dating profile, and there are plenty of women that you can find that are open to that. But you have to be transparent and upfront about it. Many of the other swipe apps people do use for that, ie Tinder. I really wouldn’t recommend Bumble for it or Coffee Meets Bagel because that’s not a volume site. I don’t know if people are doing this on hint or not. I can do some more research. Maybe I’ll write another PT. com article.
Leah Schell 47:28
Yeah, I do know that. There was an episode a few weeks ago gold digger and the sexuality secret. Wendy Miller gave us a few examples to for people who are looking for a triad situations.
Oh, right. Yeah. So just go back to day two mates for your form for more information.
Leah Schell 47:46
Also, I will say that my friends who have like successfully found triads, just went to a bar and started picking up women together. And then that just kind of more evolved. into your relationship.
Yes, yes. And then they have they have both of you there that they can, they can determine. I actually read a book recently about a woman who gave her husband a threesome for a for a birthday present. And I think they just, they think they just put it up on Craigslist or something. And it didn’t end up working on that. Well, they had like a couple of interview situations before. And then they were like, Okay, this girl and then it was good until it wasn’t and then they couldn’t get her out of the house. It could go very wrong. So you want to tread lightly.
Leah Schell 48:40
I feel like giving your husband a threesome for birthday will like I don’t know, inevitably always go wrong, but that’s a conversation for a different day.
Well, I got her book deal. Yeah, there’s trade offs. This one also comes to us from Instagram. This person asks, What’s the best type of date for a situation ship? Ask her for coffee move. or dinner? My let’s define situation ship which I actually we talked about situation ships last week on the show. But situation ship is like this is someone you’re kind of dating but it may not really be serious. Maybe for you. Maybe for them you’re not trying to wine and dine this person you’re just trying to hang and maybe get it in a little bit. Right so why dinner? Why would you have dinner for a situation ship dinner is for someone that you really are wanting to connect to on an emotional level and maybe impress or build a relationship with. So now we’re at coffee, which is just that just the lowest, lowest form of connection, or a movie. Again, if you’ve already been on a date with this person, and you already have a little bit of a rapport and you know where it’s headed, then a movie is fine. A movie is a is a good way to say I want to be close to you. I want to build connection with you, but we don’t necessarily need to spend a lot of time talking.
Leah Schell 49:59
Yeah, I always Maybe too that’s a good
for your situation ships yeah well yeah you don’t want to do it though for first date or second day it’s it’s it’s only once you’ve kind of been you’ve been in it for a little while. Coffee though. Coffee is great for a first online date moving off of the app, but I don’t I don’t know that’s going to earn you any points like if you’re going to do coffee for a situation ship and you just really want to hook up you might as well just invite her over for a drink instead. What do you think Producer Leah
Leah Schell 50:35
Netflix and chill?
Chill. Okay, one more that came to us from email you know, you can email me your questions to Mona at Damona Hoffman calm or even just go to Dates & Mates.com and there’s a contact me form that you can fill out and send me your question that way. This person says a casually dated after a serious relationship that turned toxic And have met a guy who I’m interested in. When we’re together, everything feels natural and easy. But when we’re apart, I convinced myself he’s not interested or that it won’t work. What can I do to control my anxiety over this relationship? Is it a sign that I’m not ready for a relationship after the toxic one? I quit the toxic relationship four months ago, but it’s been too since we last spoke. Who? Producer Leah? There’s a lot in here. Yeah, that’s a lot. Okay. First, I have to say your relationship past does not have to be your relationship future. And if you’re just even taking the time to assess why you had a toxic relationship before, you’re already halfway there, to changing the pattern and not reliving that, but if you obsess about it, or if you let fear drive your decision, like fear that it’s going to happen to you again, then I hate to say it but you’re going to keep repeating the same pattern. Over and over again. So let’s look at the facts. You’re here with somebody that feels really natural and easy. And if it’s natural and easy, can we just let it be easy? Can we let it be good, without feeling like things are all going to go terrible again, just because that happened in the past. You want to see if this person is who He really says he is, if he shows up for you when he says he’s going to, and if so, give him the give him the benefit of the doubt and give him the the dignity of having his own life that doesn’t necessarily align with what has happened in the past, right? Because if we start to like overlay things that somebody else did on this person, it’s going to make him feel like he’s he’s not he doesn’t have agency over his own choices and you want to give him the respect, have the same kind of respect that he’s given you so far and the relationship
Leah Schell 52:59
right Yeah, and also I’ve been kind of in the situation before where I was just having a lot of anxiety for, I don’t know, I just like was overthinking things when we’re apart and actually ended up like talking through it with my therapist. And like working through it myself, just because like, I knew that it really had nothing to do with the relationship I was in currently, it was just something like me working myself up. So
yes, yeah. I’m glad that you said that. And you know, I’m a big fan of therapy. And it’s different than dating coaching. This is really what I do is dating strategy. But I think it’s a great, great one two punch to also be doing therapy and all your base and cover all your bases so you can come to your next relationship hole. And look, we all have anxiety, some people more than others. I totally get it. So I don’t want to downplay the fact that, that you’re dealing with anxiety and anxiety and depression can be very powerful. powerful emotions that drive our actions. But like I said, if you are at least acknowledging it, recognizing it and feeling what’s coming up for you, then you have a choice right now remember, you have a choice. And you can choose to let the anxiety lead your, the way you behave in this relationship and the decisions that you make, or you can choose to let that live in the past and to move forward with your life. I think that’s a great place to end today’s show. Producer Leah? Yeah, totally. Why don’t we put up all the links for today’s show in the show notes at Dates & Mates.com I hope you enjoyed Episode 284 of Dates & Mates. I’m at Simone Hoffman on all of the socials. Please join in the conversation and send me your questions for future episodes. And by the way, we have a special extra gift from Susan Ibitz, our guest for today. She is giving away a 30 minute consultation with her Yes, you can get a face reading for yourself or for someone that you’re dating, to figure out if it’s a good match or not, and it’s all free to one lucky person. All you have to do is share this episode on the social media platform of your choice and tag me at Damona Hoffman, I’m literally on every social media platform as at demoed. hapa not Snapchat. Don’t tag me on Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, wherever you want to share this episode, please share it with a friend. And then make sure you tag me and that will get you a chance to win a 30 minute consultation with Susan you can tag me all the way through December 1 at 11:59pm Pacific. And I will choose one lucky winner but at random from all the people who have entered on December 2, all you have to do share the episode tag me and you could win that 30 minute free consultation with Susan face reading for you face reading for someone new dating, face reading for both of you. I think it’s a good deal Producer Leah
Leah Schell 55:59
Yeah. Definitely I’m excited for you all.
Well, and I’m also excited that next week we have a Dear Damona episode coming your way you have sent in so many amazing questions that we had to dedicate an entire episode to it. So tune in next week. We’ll be back here Monday morning, bright and early. Until then I wish you happy dating!