CELEBRATING SINGLEHOOD

We have officially crossed into what Americans call “turkey season” and singles across the country start preparing themselves for the awkward conversations with family and friends.

Whether it’s your mom, your friend’s grandma, or a really bad first date, they all want to know: ‘Why are you still single?”

Our guest this week has plenty of experience with this tricky conversation and some advice on how to move past it.

Monique Kelley, author and love expert behind “Confessions of a Serial Dater in LA” joins Damona to celebrate singlehood.

But first, let’s dish:

DATING DISH

Showing Gratitude

The best way to show gratitude, according to Darwin. Damona weighs in.

Divorce at a 50 -Year Low

Some good news: Divorce hit a record low. Damona explains why.

Role Reversal

What is The Sadie Hawkins Effect and what does it have to do with your love life?

CELEBRATE SINGLEHOOD

Monique Kelly and Damona discuss embracing singlehood. 

Check out Monique’s new book, Reality in Chaos

FOLLOW ALONG HERE: 

Unknown Speaker 0:00
Hello lovers,

Damona 0:01
we have officially crossed over into what Americans call turkey season and singles across the country start preparing themselves for the awkward conversations with family and friends. Whether it’s your mom, your grandma, your friends, Grandma, or a really bad day, they all want to know, why are you still single? Doesn’t matter who you are. If you’re past the age of 18, and you have a pulse, someone has probably asked you this question. My guest today has plenty of experience with this tricky conversation, and some advice on how to move past it. Monique Kelley is an author and the love expert behind Confessions of a serial dater in LA. And she’ll be joining me in just a minute to celebrate singlehood. But first, as always, we have headlines. The best way to show your partner gratitude, according to Darwin, and the new stats on divorce are in and it’s not what you expect. Plus, what is the Sadie Hawkins effect? And what does it have to do with your love life? Oh, that and more on today’s dates and maids? Are you ready to do this dish? We all know that gratitude is a very important part of your friendships and your relationships. But did you know that there is a proper way to show gratitude if you really want your partner to feel like you appreciate them. There was a new psychological study that investigated the best way to say thank you. And they’ve offered some tips on how to strengthen romantic relationships. Of course, when we even look at, I’m often comparing dating to what’s happening in the animal kingdom. And when we look at primates, we see that a chimpanzee, for example, is more likely to share its food with another animal who groomed them, or help them out in the past. So we may be far evolved from that point. But we have to, we have to look back at our, our evolutionary ancestors to see where some of these, these traits that we’ve developed really begin. So there’s a way that you can express that you’re really grateful, like maybe you’re not picking bugs out of your partner’s hair,

like a chimp might be, but maybe your partner like drops you off at the office, and you say something like, I wouldn’t have made it to the meeting on time, if you didn’t drop me off at the office today. And so that a statement like that produced the most positive response from a partner when they studied this in the lab. But it didn’t matter what the tone was, you know, I’m often saying like, the context, the body language, this was so much more the content of what they were saying. It was all about making that other person feeling valued, and get this included in their partner’s goals. So the more the the person receiving the praise, felt the gratitude towards their relationship, the more likely they were to say that they felt appreciated and bonded with their partner. You don’t want to go the route of saying something about your partner sacrifice, reminding them of what they’ve sacrificed. So if you flip that and said, Well, I know it was a hassle for you to drop me off at my office during rush hour. That’s not as effective as a form of praise, but gratitude. It’s it’s been a virtue for so many generations. And even in the past couple of decades, there’s they’ve been accumulating more evidence that shows that this emotion really plays an important role in our society. That’s actually what what researchers call the find remind bind theory. And it essentially says that expressing gratitude is evolutionarily advantageous because it reinforces bonds between humans. I know we’re all looking for bonds, right? And how, and we have to rely on each other to get through this really challenging time. Which brings me to our next story. We got some good news, divorce is at a 50 year low. I couldn’t believe this research because I had seen some early stats out of the original lockdown in COVID, out of China that showed that they saw a huge number of new divorces being filed, like in March and April. But now when we’re looking at the US divorce rate, we’re seeing that more people are actually staying together. Now this this study looked at census data, and they posit this theory that because now people are meeting online, you’ve heard me say this before we’re meeting more appropriate matches. So instead of matching someone out of convenience, out of the fact that they live in your neighborhood, or they go to your church or your mom knows them, you’re finding someone that’s matching you on many, many different levels and that creates more satisfaction in the relationship. Of course, your partner can be your everything. You can’t look for them to complete you on every level. But you can have more in common and you can find a more appropriate match. And you’re a match maybe somewhere else across the city or even across the country. I’m curious to see what happens when we get vaccines when we’re able to return to regular life. I wonder if we’re actually going to see a bit of a rebound in this divorce. This divorce number, no pun intended, because I feel like also a lot of people are staying together out of convenience. I mean, there’s so much uncertainty in the world right now. And not knowing if you’re going to be able to make ends meet, even if you cannot stand your partner, I don’t know that you would step out and take that risk right now. It just seems to me like it would be too great with all the other factors to consider for so many people. But hey, I’m I want love to win. So it is my hope that the divorce rate is really going to stay down. And when we look at even more recent marriages for every 1000 marriages in the last year, only 14.9% ended in divorce. So that’s why I’m going to cut that partly because that sounds like what you expect people to break up in a year. Okay. But I’m encouraged by.

But I’m encouraged by these numbers. And divorce in America has been falling fast in recent years. This is I think, the third decade in a row that we’ve seen a drop in divorce numbers. So I certainly hope as a believer in love that it’s because we’re matching with better partners in the first place. As we’re talking about matching, I have to give you the Psychology Today study on reversal of dating roles. So I said at the top of the show, say it’s the Sadie Hawkins effect. Do you guys remember the Sadie Hawkins day, which actually just fell last week? Traditionally, it’s observed on November 13. But at my school, we had a Sadie Hawkins dance. And that was the one time that women were encouraged and required to invite their dates to the dance. And it really flipped the it flipped the norm. And it put women also a little bit more in control of what was happening in their love life. So I you know, I’ve been I’ve been on this female lead tip for a while. But it turns out, it turns out that the way we feel about gender roles is not as biological as we think. It’s actually so much related it sorry. It’s actually related strongly to our society, and the prevailing stereotypes that we have on what roles men should play what roles women should play. Check this out. This article in Psychology Today, which we’ll link to in the show notes, written by a fellow named Gary Lee Wen Tao ski, who I’m hoping we can get on the show in 2021. They looked at speed dating, right? And you know, and speed dating, there is one gender traditionally, in heterosexual speed dating, there’s one gender that sits and the other gender, the options rotate through, and then you have like three to five minutes to get to know one another. And then you move on to the next person. Well, what happened was when women were sitting and the men were coming to them, even just in a, in a sort of controlled environment, like a speed date, the women were much more picky about who they said yes to who they would want to meet and go out with again. So some speed dating companies flipped this. And when women were the ones to get up and circulate, they were far more open. And they said yes, to far more people. And I actually did do a speed dating event, before I met my husband. And that was the case. We, we were the one circulating and I was like, I don’t want to do this in my high heels.

Unknown Speaker 9:33
This is too much work. Why

Damona 9:34
can’t you just let the lady sit? But when I understand it now, from this perspective, I love that. Hopefully it was designed to challenge these gender norms, and also to get people to just open up their criteria a little bit more. Because I do see on dating apps, men swipe right far more often than women. I’m always having to talk clients. hints into being a little bit less discerning upfront because we’re we’re trying to guess what people are about, just based on a couple of pictures. So the lesson here is to see if, if you can just be a little bit more open, what might happen and if you might, in some way, be able to challenge the gender norms in your relationship or your dating life. Because so much of it is programmed by, by media, by cultural norms by our parents. And you really don’t have to live your life that way anymore. If that’s not how you want to live it. Well, we’re going to give you some more advice on how to live your life your way because we’re going to be talking about embracing singlehood with Monique Kelly, the author and creator of the popular blog, Confessions of a serial dater in LA so don’t go anywhere. We’ll be right back.

I am here with Monique Kelly. She is the high powered Hollywood player and blogger behind the popular site Confessions of a serial dater in LA, as well as cocktails and confessions. She initially chronicled the trials and travails of her post divorced dating life anonymously, until she stepped out from behind the keyboard and revealed her identity to a huge following that she had built over the years. And she created a phenomenon among Single Ladies in LA. We have been circling around each other. And we have very similar life path. And I’m so glad that we were able to bring ourselves here together today. So please help me give big smooches to my new friend Monique Kelly. I’m so happy to have you here.

Unknown Speaker 12:03
I’m so excited. I’m so excited.

Damona 12:06
We need to give the single folks some hope, hope in the era of COVID. Especially,

Unknown Speaker 12:12
yes,

Damona 12:13
I’m just I’m just gonna level with everybody. I’ve been hearing from a lot of people, I’m all about dating apps and getting out there and doing the dang thing. And a lot of people have been telling me Dimona, I’m really, I’m really feeling the pressure and maybe this is a little bit too much. And to those people I’ve said, this maybe isn’t your season for dating right now at this very moment. And what I love about what you do at cocktails and confessions, in addition to giving dating advice, you also talk about embracing your single dumb.

Unknown Speaker 12:47
Yes. Can you talk

Damona 12:48
to us first about your journey of how you came to that place of embracing your single dumb yourself?

Unknown Speaker 12:55
Oh Dimona, it was it was not an easy journey. You know, a lot of times people think it happens overnight. So for me, like most women, you get to your late 20s Dimona, all your friends around, you are getting married and you start putting this unnecessary pressure on yourself. For me, it wasn’t for my family. My family was like do you boo, you know, whatever works for you works for you. So at that point, I got into this thing where I was like, I need to be married by the time I’m a certain age, and met my now ex husband, we got married and the marriage just it just was not right for either one of us. And it’s one of those things where I never like to say it was all him or was all he was both of us. We just weren’t right for each other. So I found myself back in the dating scene. And it was really, really difficult getting back into the dating scene. It was scary. And then there were so many dates. So as you know, I started off with my blog, Confessions of a serial dater in LA before I started doing the cocktails and confessions of it. But what I found was during this time, I had to learn how to be okay with exactly where I was in the journey, not putting unnecessary pressure on myself learning how to embrace me exactly where I was at that time. And also, when that dreaded question comes up. You’re beautiful, you’re smart, you’re successful, how is it that you’re still single learning that that’s not a personal attack? And just learning how to work through that process?

Damona 14:27
What do you do when you get that question? I know a lot of our listeners have heard that. And it’s I think it’s the still that stings. It’s like why are you still single as if you’ve been working? cannot figure it out.

Unknown Speaker 14:41
What would you say to that? You know, we

Damona 14:43
have the holidays coming up, and maybe people are gonna be hearing this from their families.

Unknown Speaker 14:49
It’s it’s definitely you know, when people ask that question, I don’t think they understand this thing of like you said the still because it insinuates that you’re it’s something you’re not doing or something you’re doing wrong and with a lot of women and men who are single, they’re putting themselves out there. But people aren’t being consistent. They’re not meeting the right people. They’re getting ghosted. They’re getting love bombed, there’s a lot going on during that time. So when I get that question, I’m just like, you know what, I’m dating everybody when I was single, you know, have a boyfriend now. But I, you know, I’m dating everybody, I’m enjoying this time, like, I’m having fun, and not the fake living my best life, but just like, I’m actually Okay, you know, being where I am right now. And just figuring things out and enjoying life. And when you say like that people typically. Okay, I understand. And then I’ll say, but if you have something for me, feel free to let me know. I’m open to taking applications. So you know, you’re still open to the possibility.

Damona 15:46
I love that you phrased in that way, because I was just talking to a client yesterday, who was saying, she doesn’t want to let her friends know that she’s single, like, she feels awkward even even acknowledging that you’re open and you’re looking continues to compound those feelings of I call it single shame.

Unknown Speaker 16:08
Yeah. See? Yes, that is so true. And that’s why, you know, I always talk about a lot of times, it’s important that you have a circle of confidentiality. Okay. What does that mean? The circle confidentiality, that’s where I say it’s two friends, two of them, that you can really talk to about what you’re really feeling to people you can trust, who you know, have your best interests at heart. And you can let it out to them and you can get it out. I think for a lot of times, when you’re single, people catch you during your dating, depression moments where you’re wrong, and you’re talking about how hard it is to be single, and they want the best for you. And then they start giving you all these suggestions, all these ideas of what you should and shouldn’t be doing. Like you don’t know how to date. And a lot of times, if you’re not in a place to hear that it can just be painful. So I always like to tell singles to have that small circle of girlfriends. That too, I always say to keep it to keep it a trifecta the three of you, that you can talk to, so that when you’re around other people, you can kind of just not have to go to that dark place that sometimes sticks with you later on when you’re past it.

Damona 17:21
Yeah, that’s so smart. And also, like, I remember when I was single, I was very choosy about how, who I would go out with I know we’re not going out as much in COVID times, but still happening a little bit and I wouldn’t want to go out with my girlfriends I was going to be fighting with over a man. I just never wanted that. Yeah, sure those two breads are a completely different type.

Unknown Speaker 17:46
Exactly. That’s so funny. It’s so funny because I’ve never had that issue with my girlfriends. We all have such different types of men, or some of them are married or in relationships. So we’ve always been good but that’s so that’s a good point to mono because we both like the same type. You’re both single, all back the problem. Yeah, I’ve

Damona 18:06
had I’ve had some serious, serious falling outs fallings out, also over what I consider girl code. Now, feel free to tell me I’m wrong. I’m sure some listeners will say that.

Unknown Speaker 18:19
I’m wrong about this.

Damona 18:21
But I kind of feel like if you’ve dated someone, I just feel like girl code like your your girlfriend shouldn’t then go and pick up your sloppy seconds. I don’t care if it’s been five years or 10 years. How many guys are there out there that you need to be dating my ex man?

Unknown Speaker 18:41
I have a caveat to that. Because if you were not close if it’s a if it’s one of your girls, it’s one day but if it happens to be a girl that you just know in passing, and you guys you know you know of each other, but you guys aren’t girlfriends. I think that’s the caveat. If you’ve been home girls with someone that’s your girl, you guys have each other’s cell phone numbers in your phone. You guys talk you guys have texted that is like absolutely not because why would you want to be with a guy who your friend knows you guys go to parties together. They’re looking at you and they know everything about your man, everything everything.

Damona 19:19
I think it’s weird, but I don’t know. My husband told me that I was too petty. Like I still won’t mind some of those figs. God, I’ve been married. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and I’m like, I still won’t talk to that lady.

Unknown Speaker 19:33
You’re married.

Damona 19:35
She broke my trust.

Unknown Speaker 19:37
It’s over. It’s a wrap.

Unknown Speaker 19:39
All right, I’ll get over it is one

Damona 19:43
thing to worry about. And you have so many additional tips on how people can really move forward in confidence in their singlehood right now you have a philosophy where you say date yourself as if what does that mean? Monique?

Unknown Speaker 19:58
This is so important because A lot of times women and men, they feel like they need to wait to do certain things until they’re in a relationship. You do not have to wait you’re already are in a relationship with yourself. So dating yourself as if Okay, if you want to have a romantic picnic on the beach with your potential boom in the future, why do you have to wait? take yourself out to the beach, pack yourself a beautiful picnic, get the layout right have a fabulous if you want to do a great meal at home, cook that meal, perfect that recipe learn how to do that go to your favorite restaurant, socially distance, obviously, take yourself out to dinner. Because what happens is when you start dating yourself as if you start putting out a different energy, because it’s not there’s there’s a spirit of desperation sometimes, and you’re putting everything on meeting someone else. So when you are living your life, again, not the living my best life fake living. But really living and being in the moment, dating yourself as if we’ll put a different energy out there so that when you attract your mate, you already have it perfected, you will already have that recipe perfected you will already know what blanket you want to use for the beach picnic, you would have already done it and it will be special and you will appreciate it more when you have to me because you did it by yourself too.

Damona 21:18
I love that. And actually, I’ll I’ll reveal another little tidbit about myself.

Unknown Speaker 21:27
Petey one,

Damona 21:28
I was working with a coach before I met my husband when I was single. I’m not a dating coach, because I don’t even think that existed then. But I was working with a life coach. And she was like, I think you’re afraid of being alone. Like I used. I used to see people eating at restaurants by themselves. And I’d be like, Oh, that’s so sad. I can’t believe that person has no one to eat with. And I my schedule was booked like sunup to sundown with some kind of meetings or Hangouts, I was always with somebody else. And she said, You need to get comfortable being by yourself. And she did exactly what you’re recommending Mike, she said, I want you to do at the time we call that artists states. But figure out like what, what makes you tick, figure out what you enjoy on your own without having to go along with a friend or do something for a man just do it for you. Yeah. And she said, also do something that scares you and make sure you book it in your calendar. As if you have an appointment with another person. And because that’s always the time, the self care time the dating as if dating yourself as if time. That’s always the first thing that’s going to fall off when a man calls or you know, your girlfriend calls or whatever. Yeah, so I had to book the time in my calendar, as if I was going out with another person and force myself to like, go to the museum, take myself to the movies, be one of those awkward people sitting in the restaurant. But it just gave me so much confidence in myself and understanding. I didn’t even realize how much other people’s interests and goals were affecting what I would do with my day. And when I had that day to figure out what do I want to do? It totally changed me. It is so true. dimana. I

Unknown Speaker 23:18
mean, I was the same way. I you know, shortly after my divorce, my coping mechanism was traveling, I was going everywhere. And I was meeting up with friends for happy hours just staying out of the house as much as possible and not spending time with my by myself. What happens is people get scared of those thoughts that come in, and one, you know, wonder how they’re going to deal with them. If you don’t deal with those thoughts. At a certain point, they will come up at the most inopportune time when you don’t want them to come up when you’re not ready for them to come up. So it forces you to do that. And also, like you said, it forces you to be comfortable being by yourself. Mm hmm.

Damona 23:57
I’ve also heard you say that it’s okay to admit when you’re having a down single moment. Yes,

Unknown Speaker 24:03
yes. That mean, what

Unknown Speaker 24:05
does that look like?

Unknown Speaker 24:06
That’s important, okay, because someone I don’t know where it has been said, I’m sure you’ll agree with us that when you admit that you’re having a moment where you you’re over being single, you’re over being by yourself that that means you are less of a powerful, strong woman, that your strength is diminished. I don’t know where that myth came from. But it’s time for it to end. admitting to yourself that sometimes this game of dating, the struggle of dating, this being by yourself being disappointed waiting for the right person. Sometimes it just sucks and sometimes you just are over it. And that is okay to admit to yourself. It’s okay to have that moment. It’s okay to take a moment to cry, scream and just be like, when is it gonna happen? It’s okay. You have those moments. That’s when you journal. Write up everything you’re thinking about. I think love to tell people to make sure that you are journaling and writing because there’s something about taking it from here writing it out and reading it that makes it tangible. That’s when you go to your confidentiality circle of girlfriends that circle of to, to talk to, that’s when you sit uncomfortable by yourself, and allow yourself to have that moment of, okay, where where did I come from? Where am I now where I want to go and just sit with it. It’s so important. And it’s okay to admit sometimes that you’re over it, it will pass that moment is going to pass, but you have to allow yourself to have it for it to pass.

Damona 25:37
Yeah, and I certainly have heard this before, from listeners and from clients. Like I’m even thinking of a male client who had this experience, we were doing the profile. This is, this is one of my first clients many, many years ago. And, and he was going out and he was like getting all excited for dates. And sometimes it worked out and then sometimes it wouldn’t get three dates in and then she dumps him and he was just like, I’m exhausted. What do I do to Mona and I was like, just stop. And he was like, what, this is so counterintuitive. This is against everything you’ve said, you said do the process, do the steps, keeps showing up. And I was like, but if you’re in this place where you’re feeling burnout, nothing good is going to come of you pushing through burnout and continuing to show up on dates and be you know, halfway in and halfway out. Just stop. But what I have people do I wonder what you think about this? I have people set a date, that they’re going to go back into it or at least reevaluate. So yeah. Okay, I’m going to take a one month break, I’m going to take these apps off my phone, get out of the rat race, date myself as if, and then starting, whatever December 1, we’re going to we’re going to look at how we can do this again.

Unknown Speaker 26:52
That is the key because I’ve heard a lot of people say, you know, they go through a disappointment, whether not even just a breakup, but a disappointment or dating depression, and they’re just like, you know what, I’m gonna stop dating for six months. I’m like, stop making these proclamations. It doesn’t make sense. You don’t need to wait six months, but to your point, you stop. And then you do need to put a date. I love that Dimona where you get back in there because there’s nothing cute and there’s nothing grand in reflective about sitting in something for months at a time. Yeah. What does that accomplishing? Just sitting?

Damona 27:27
I’m laughing because I’m a listener back in January, I was going to do my 30 day dating playbook program. And she texted me she was like, Okay, I’m really excited. I’m totally on board. I’m, I’m diving back in. And then she like, hit one of those walls that you’re talking about? And she said, No, actually, no, I’m done with dating. I decided I’m swearing off men for you want to know, it’s super funny. Monique, he met her messaged me like a month later and was like, actually, I’m in the most serious relationship of my life. We like make these proclamations. And it’s, and it doesn’t, it doesn’t serve us, I think to just project into the future, like you have to be in the moment. How do you feel right now? I don’t feel like dating. Okay, then don’t then don’t do it. Yeah, you can’t stay in that state indefinitely. And that’s why I say have the date that at least you’re going to come back and like I’m talking a month I’m not talking about

Unknown Speaker 28:29
good luck with that.

Unknown Speaker 28:31
Right? Crazy.

Damona 28:36
breakups. And I want to talk about that a little bit. Because I know some people are in this space, sometimes not by choice, sometimes because they were in a toxic relationship that they had to get out of. And then those have threads, those have residual effects that can impact our comfort level being single, or even the next relationship that we enter into what do you think about those, those situations that some of our listeners might be finding themselves in?

Unknown Speaker 29:05
Oh, yeah. That’s, that’s real toxic relationships are real. So the first thing is, you have to let go of the relationship. What a lot of my followers I find a lot of them more than you would even care to admit because and this is a fact. They stay in those toxic relationships after the relationship is over. Meaning, especially right now, during COVID. They will, you know, the person might reach out, test out the water see if you’re gonna respond to the text message. And then if you’re having a moment where you’re feeling you know, a little what’s the word I’m trying to be PG or horny daytime TV. So you know you have that moment of being horny being lonely, you’re having that data depression moment and then you have This toxic relationship where someone has shown you who they are, and you continue to let them back in continuously thinking, I’m just gonna keep dealing with them. And when I meet someone, I’ll stop dealing with them, you’re blocking that energy. So the first thing is you have to end that toxic relationship really ended. I’m talking about unfriend, delete block, unless you have kids with person, but be finished with it. Once you get to that place, I talked about reflecting. so important to reflect, you have to think about the relationship that you were in, you have to think about those moments that you didn’t like how you were in that moment, those moments how you didn’t like how that person treated you how they made you feel what triggered you? What were some of the things that they said to you? Or did you that triggered you to be someone that you didn’t like to be someone that you step outside of yourself and have that moment where you kind of have that out of body experience, you come back in your life? What was I thinking? What made you get attracted to that person. And again, I talk about writing all this down, you write it down, you read it, you say it out loud. And then I have the ceremony you do where you write it all down, you rip it up. Either you go to a beach and you put you know in a little fire and let it burn. Or you rip it up and make sure it you know paper, eco friendly paper that dissolves throw it in the water have that moment that tangible moment where you see those bad memories, you rip it up and you let it go. Also, therapy depending on how toxic the relationship was, you might need to go into therapy. And the beautiful thing about therapy is you end up going for one thing and you realize, wow, I had all this other stuff, which made me in this relationship. So once you get through that past part I talked about manifesting. You do vision boards in the beginning of the year, I talked about doing romance boards where you write you know rip out pictures and sayings and phrases of what you want your love life to look like, what you want that man to look like how you want him to treat you what are some of those key components that you need in a relationship that’s important to you write it out, have your vision board. And then you’ll realize you’re getting rid of that toxic energy. You’re not letting that person kind of creep back in and weak moments and being you are manifesting what you want for the future. And that’s how I always tell people to deal with the toxic relationship getting that toxicity out of your system.

Damona 32:22
I give everyone all of these tools of how to prepare themselves. And I’ve seen time and time again, it works in moving you into a relationship whether using the dating apps or another way. But sometimes you just don’t know you don’t know if that person you’re going to swipe on is going to be the right person you don’t know if that guy that you met at LACMA is going to find your number and look for you again after he’s divorced.

Unknown Speaker 32:45
You don’t know what’s going

Damona 32:46
to happen. So I love that you’re giving us so many concrete tips but also so much inspiration that love if we keep doing these these things. We keep preparing ourselves and we keep living in our authentic self and living our best life not the Instagram kind but the

Unknown Speaker 33:05
real best life and also having integrity you have to have you cannot manifest something positive if you don’t have your own integrity about yourself and how you carry yourself to.

Damona 33:15
Exactly Yeah, Monique. This has been such an exciting conversation for me so inspiring. I want to know where where can people find you and what else do you have coming up that people can look out for? Okay, so

Unknown Speaker 33:28
my Instagram is at cocktails and confessions. So is my tik tok. My website is Confessions of a serial dater in la.com. But the main thing that I’m super excited about, as you know, I’ve written my blog for seven years, seven years writing the blog. And during that time, you know, I left my studio executive job to write my book. So my first novel debut novel reality and chaos. It’s available for pre order right now on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. It comes out January 14, but this book damona I’m just these characters, these are strong female characters, great friend talks about friendship, love, there’s a character going through divorce. There’s a character dealing with a family member with mental illness. There’s a character that’s dealing with unrequited dreams that haven’t been fulfilled, you get an opportunity to get the dream fulfilled, but was it worth it? And how their friendship keeps them together. But reality and chaos is my debut novel. And it’s I hate to brag, but it’s really good. Honestly, kudos

Damona 34:35
to you. Thank you writing a book is a bit of a beast. So I am really impressed. You and it’s a novel.

Unknown Speaker 34:43
It’s a novel, I wanted to do something where you know, with a blog for me, there’s certain things I’m not gonna write about. Okay, so I want my grandmother and my mother to be able to read my blog now ready to be like

Damona 34:54
Poppy. So my dad listens to this podcast from dives and he’ll like send me text. I’m like Oh, you heard that episode, huh?

Unknown Speaker 35:04
So with this with the novel, I was able to create these memorable characters and just go there because they are fictional. And it just, it just presented such a great opportunity.

Damona 35:13
That is so awesome. We will be sure to put the link in the show notes and I hope everybody will follow everything you’re doing on the blog, Confessions of a serial dater in LA and follow you on Instagram and tick tock, I haven’t really stepped into the tick tock game yet, but

Unknown Speaker 35:27
maybe

Unknown Speaker 35:29
it’s a rabbit hole. Once you get there, you’re stuck, you can’t come out.

Damona 35:33
That’s what I’m afraid of. But But talking to you certainly has been inspiring, so maybe I’ll give it a try. Thanks so much, Monique. Thank

Unknown Speaker 35:41
you demona.

Damona 35:43
Make sure you check out her website to find out when the next cocktails and confessions gathering is happening. We’ll put the link to her new book, reality and chaos in the show notes for you to get it on Amazon. And I would like to give an invitation to you to become one of our Patreon friends with benefits. This is for the people that listen to this podcast and love it and have gotten so much value and advice and want to give back to the show but also want to become a part of our community in a real way. You can join our Patreon friends with benefits for just $5. And you’ll get access to my exclusive Facebook group where I do my weekly behind the mic live streams and I talk about what I’ve learned from the show what’s happened behind the scenes. There’s lots of other great content, special special promo content, special goodies, library content, it’s so juicy in there, and I want to invite you to join so please check it out@patreon.com slash dates and mates. This has been Episode 336 of dates and mates. I love hearing from you. And we have another deer demona episode coming up soon. So hit me up on all the socials at damona Hoffman you can send me a voice memo. I love to hear your voices. You can dm them to me and let me know what you want to know on that next episode, you can let me know what you loved about today’s episode. Or you can always leave me a voicemail at 424-246-6255. Don’t be shy. I’ll be back again next week. But Ooh, this is going to be a really unique episode. You’ve heard my side of my love story a few times. But I’ve convinced my extreme introvert very shy, not in the public eye husband Seth to have a very honest conversation with me about what it’s like to date a woman who is used to taking charge in her relationship. Yeah, like me, and how we navigated those gender roles that we talked about earlier. While online dating. I can’t wait for you to hear it. Until then. I wish you happy dating

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

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