Tag Archive for: on the spectrum and love

The Big 500 & Savage Love

This is not just any old episode. It’s the 500th episode of Dates & Mates! 

Here to celebrate with us is the GOAT, the legend, the original dating columnist, Dan Savage. He’s coined several popular dating terms over the years and this week he will be revealing 2024’s newest dating trends, as well as his predictions for the year when it comes to dating and politics, polyamory and app drama. In this special episode, he joins Damona for a supersized Ask Dan and Dear Damona.

Looking back over the last 11 years of this podcast, we’ve done a lot of things. We covered the launch of Tinder, interviewed celebrity guests and had a variety of segments from the Hollywood Hookup to Damona’s Diatribe. 

But the biggest thing to happen since the launch of this podcast was the release of Damona’s first book, F the Fairy Tale, in January. 

That book is truly a labor of love. Three years in the making, the backbone of the book is really YOU – all the questions you’ve asked Damona over the years, all the people who have trusted her as their coach, all the wishes granted and hearts healed.

As Damona says in F The Fairy Tale, “So much has changed in dating and relationships in the last hundred years, and also in the last 11 years that I’ve been doing Dates & Mates. So why keep living by the old rules that governed love in a time when computers didn’t exist, smartphones were science fiction, and laws were in place to disadvantage many groups that are moving toward equality today?”

Hopefully this snippet from the book inspires you in your dating journey. 

DAN SAVAGE (5:55)

Dan Savage is an author, media pundit, journalist and LGBT community activist. He is the author of Savage Love, a sex advice column that appeared originally in The Stranger, Seattle’s alternative weekly paper, in 1991 and is now syndicated across the United States and Canada. 

He’s also the host of the podcast, The Savage Love Cast, where he answers your sex questions and talks about politics. 

Dan is also the author of multiple books, including his most recent one, Savage Love from A to Z: Advice on Sex and Relationships, Dating and Mating, Exes and Extras. 

(8:01) Ghosting and Flaking… a new trend in dating and relationships? 

Damona asks Dan why ghosting seems to be on the rise. Dans suggests that it is tied to the fact that dating apps allow us to meet singles far outside our normal orbits. Because we don’t run much risk of running into them again, we don’t feel obligated to avoid the drama and social tension.

He makes an interesting observation though, “Ghosting seems to be one of those things we object to vociferously when someone does it to us, but we can rationalize when we do it to someone else because we don’t avoid the awkwardness of issuing a rejection.”

In the end, both Dan and Damona say that ghosting is wrong suggesting that daters follow the Golden Rule.

(20:55) Some Nonmonogamy Data Doesn’t Match Up

Damona mentions two important stats that seem to be in conflict. In an Ashley Madison study, 59% of Gen Z users said they preferred a polyamorous or open relationship and felt that one person could not fulfill all of their sexual needs. But in a Kinsey Institute study, it was reported that only 1 in 9 Americans has been in a polyamorous relationship. She says, “when I start doing the math, I’m like there’s a lot of people here, especially younger singles, who are saying, I prefer polyamory, but people aren’t necessarily acting on it.”

Dan’s theory is that people are using nonmonogamy to mean relationships that aren’t strictly monogamous rather than relationships that are fully open. “That could be a couple where there’s an understanding that there may be some outside sexual contact over the course of the many decades that they’re together, but they are invested in being perceived as a pair, a bonded couple, and not doing anything that might communicate to friends, families, neighbors that they’re anything other than monogamous.”

Dan believes that dater’s ultimate goal with this line of thinking is to create strong relationships. “And if you define cheating as unforgivable and always the end of a relationship, then when you consider how often cheating happens in committed relationships, you’ve made your relationship really brittle.”

(34:20) Dan’s New Dating Term – Tolyamory

Dan’s new term for the year is Tolyamory. From “tolerare”, which is the Latin for put up with, and “amor”, which is Latin not just for love, but also for lover. Dan combines them to become Tolyamory which describes being in a relationship with somebody who has cheated.

Dan explains that some people turn a blind eye because they’re economically or socially stuck. Others, he says, are just not interested in being physically intimate with their partners anymore and so see it as having a chore taken care of for them. Obviously, this isn’t ideal for anyone, but it does happen.

 

Find Dan on Instagram @DanSavage and check out The Savage Lovecast wherever you listen to Dates & Mates!

 

DEAR DAMONA (36:47)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

 

IG DM from Jeff:

I’m fine doing vanilla stuff, but whenever it gets rough, I get shy. My girlfriend enjoys it when I’m dominant and I fantasize about being dominant, but it’s frustrating. My girlfriend doesn’t act awkward during sex at all, and she has a lot more experience than me. 

Maybe I just get worried about that because I compare myself to what I imagine all the other men she has been with. Or maybe it’s something else I don’t know, but I’m getting super frustrated with myself. 

She says I meet her sexual needs and that she does enjoy vanilla stuff, but we need to switch it up a little bit.

Email from L :

I (26F) am in a committed monogamous relationship with my bf (25M). We’ve been together for over three years and have a healthy, consistent sex life so far. We sort of recently became good friends with a couple. They live an hour away from us and we hang out with them about every other weekend when we can make the drive. We get along super well with them and have really enjoyed becoming closer over the last few months. We’ve discussed our sex lives with them before, but in relatively vague terms. 

My bf and I are open to group sex, but really want it to be with people we know or have a history with. We connect well with this couple and admittedly, I’ve been thinking… a lot…. about sex with them. How could we potentially hint that we’re interested? I really don’t want to mess up the friendship if they reject it or, worse, are weirded out. And what if they agree…? Will that mess our friendship up too maybe? I haven’t felt this pull toward a couple before and I just want to know what I would be getting us into. 

Email from Starting Fresh

Dear Damona, 

Thank you for your podcast and the work that you do. You seem very pro-long-term-relationship so I’m not sure if you’re the right person to ask but I love listening to you all the time and really trust your opinion and advice, so I wanted to reach out to you. 

After my 15-year-marriage ended last year I haven’t been able to start dating yet. I have been working on myself and doing a lot of therapy, but now I would like to date. However, I was raised in a conservative religious environment and never dated until meeting my ex and subsequently marrying him in a matter of months so I actually have no idea how to even start dating. I also don’t want a serious relationship, but I don’t want a one-night stand (I don’t think?!) – I want to date for fun, enjoy meeting someone new and learning more about myself. But I know nothing about dating at all and definitely nothing about dating for fun! How do I even start and how do I stay safe? Help! 

Love, Starting Fresh

Cosmo’s AI Advice & Love Languages Lesson

It’s 2024 and AI is here to stay. The question is, how will it impact your dating life? The answer…well, a lot. From photo generators to language models to analyzing past relationships and offering advice, we’re essentially on a collision course with the 2013 Joaquin Phoenix movie, Her. 

But it turns out that the news is not all bad – actually it’s pretty good if you’re willing to give it a listen! 

Cosmopolitan Magazine recently teamed up with Bumble to conduct an AI & Dating Survey, made up of over 5,000 singles and actively dating Gen Z’ers and Millennials ages 18 to 42. 

And here to break down the findings with us today is none other than the Deputy Editor of Cosmopolitan herself, Madeleine Reeves! She will be sharing key data, what we can expect and how to navigate the intersection of technology and love.

But first we have a steamy hot dating dish to serve up for you – New science concludes the love languages are nothing but fluff.

DATING DISH (2:03)

The very sexy Neuroscience News.com says: Debunking love myths. A new look at romance and science challenges the popular five love languages with evidence based research.

The study covers the work of Toronto based researcher, Amy Muse, which puts forward proof that most people like all of the love languages. The work proposes a balanced diet metaphor for expressing love and says that we need diverse and evolving expressions of affection in relationships. Ultimately, the new research says that Doctor Chapman’s measure pits the love languages against each other.

If you’ve read F The Fairy Tale, then you know that Damona has been skeptical of the love languages for some time despite their on-going popularity. She points out that “we are far more complex than any label on a dating app, any hashtag on TikTok, or any simple phrase could sum up.”

MADELEINE REEVES (8:22)

Madeleine Reeves is the deputy editor at Cosmopolitan and oversees all the sex, dating, and relationship content for Cosmo. 

With more than a decade of magazine industry experience in editing, writing, and reporting, she now recruits writers, sources, and pitches, and shapes stories and lineups for both the site and the print magazine. She also assigns and edits celebrity profiles, including Cosmo’s cover stories. 

(10:35) What stood out in Cosmopolitan and Bumble’s AI & Dating survey?

Madeleine shared that she was a little surprised to find that the survey results around AI & dating were overwhelmingly positive. “I thought it would be a bit more split as far as people’s eagerness to accept AI into their dating lives.” But she shared these key stats:

  • 71% of people say that they would use AI to help set up their profile
  • 81% say that they would share their whole messaging history with a dating bot coach to give them advice on what to do next
  • 59% say they would rather ask AI than their friends for help choosing a picture for their profile

Damona agrees that AI is going to be better than your friends, but she says a dating coach will always be more helpful than AI. “The difference between what I would say and what Bumble’s tools would say is they’re just going based on swipes, and I’m going based on connection and results.”

(14:48) Make AI your assistant, not your replacement.

Damona often suggests to listeners and clients to think of AI as a tool. “We put so much pressure on them to do all of the work for us, where if we can just use it as a data point of like, oh, well, that’s interesting. Now I know that piece and fill in the rest with our brains and our hearts, then it’s a lot more useful.”

Madeleine says that ended up being the thesis of the AI & Dating survey. “You don’t want to rely on these tools to do it all for you, because you want to use them to show up as authentically yourself, you know? So if you’re getting prompts of, here are some things you can say, you want to be personalizing those even further, using it as a jumping off point, using it as an assistant, and not as a replacement for yourself.”

(18:49) Madeleine’s hope for AI & Dating

Madeleine points out that if you’re online dating without the help of a coach, then you’re kind of just swiping based on how well the other person takes photos, writes quippy answers to prompts, and how well they flirt. She laughs when she says these aren’t the qualities she looks for in a partner, but she means it. Her hope is that it will be a good tool “for folks who maybe aren’t the best at writing a quippy, flirty phrase; that they can turn to these tools to help them do it in a way that feels authentic to them.”

 

Find Madeleine on Instagram @madeleinefrankreeves, Cosmopolitan on Instagram @Cosmopolitan and check out Cosmo & Bumble’s AI & Dating Study for yourself by visiting: https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a46574186/ai-dating/

 

DEAR DAMONA (35:36)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

 

IG DM from Anonymous

Hi Damona, I’m a new listener and I’ve really enjoyed your podcast and perspective! 

I’m in my late 20s and until recently I didn’t have a strong desire to be in a relationship. I was never really a boy crazy child or teen. I had crushes but was a shyer kid so didn’t put much into exploring that. In college I got a fair amount of attention but again I didn’t see the point in committing to a relationship because I felt like I had all my needs met with my social relationships. 

Now as an adult something about it feels physically uncomfortable. I know personally that I am so skeptical about people’s intentions and feel like I attract men that think I’m a challenge because I don’t actively seek their attention. I tried once going on a dating app but it felt really inauthentic. 

I’d love to just be set up by a friend but I’ve been told that they don’t think they know anyone good enough for me which is kind but not helpful. What do I do??

Love on the Spectrum & Dating Bounty

Our brains work in very different ways and statistically speaking, you probably know someone who falls under the banner of neurodivergent. You might even be or suspect you are neurodivergent yourself. 

But how does that impact dating? Well, a lot. 

Our guest today discovered later in life that she was on the Autism spectrum and now she makes her living teaching people with Autism now to navigate a world that is not built for them, dating and beyond! That’s right, we are welcoming Jennifer Cook back to the show! 

She’s the autism and dating expert on one of our favorite shows, Love on the Spectrum, and she’s going to tell us what you can expect if you’re dating someone on the spectrum or if you have a hunch that you might be on the spectrum yourself.

Plus she’ll give us really practical exercises for building the skills of dating that you can try at home, even if you’re neurotypical.

But first we have a steamy hot dating dish to serve up for you: Wanted, True Love. Reward, $100,000. 

DATING DISH (1:59)

In a recent New York Times article, a reporter covered the story of two friends who listed dating bounties summing over $100,000. Spoiler alert, one of the men has found love and the couple is raising a child together. But Damona questions if the money would have been better spent on a matchmaker who already has connections to qualified singles.

Regardless, Damona emphasizes the importance of investing in your love life, whether with your time, your money or both. She encourages trying a paid subscription on your favorite dating app in combination with meeting people IRL, through friends and possibly even singles events.

JENNIFER COOK (8:11)

Jennifer Cook is an autism advocate and the on-camera expert for Netflix’s triple award winning Love On The Spectrum US. She is the author of nine best selling books available in eight languages, including the foundational Asperkids and her groundbreaking memoir, Autism In Heels.

(13:06) Identifying Late In Life 

Jennifer didn’t display any of the stereotypical signs of autism in her youth. She was the social chair for her sorority and a cheerleader in college. It wasn’t until after her children were identified to be on the spectrum that she saw the similarities.

“I wasn’t really into Star Wars, but I sure lined up on my Barbies, and I took some great wedding album pictures of them and, you know, it was a different way of playing, a different way of being.”

(21:57) Tanner Would Stand In Front Of You At The Zoo 

Jennifer coaches a participant on the show named Tanner, asking him where he would stand if he took a date to the zoo. He replies that he would stand in front so that he could be a good leader.  Good intention, wrong idea. Jennifer argues that this is Tanner’s interpretation of society’s messaging that a man should lead.

She says it popped up again when it came to communication. Tanner reveals that he felt he had to keep the conversation flowing at all times so as to be a good leader.  Jennifer explains that sometimes it is okay for the conversation to die down, but recommends that in these moments Tanner relieves the pressure by simply saying, “I can’t think of anything else to say right now, but I’m having a good time.”

Damona reminds listeners that oftentimes just naming a feeling can be so disarming to the other person that it allows them to open up again.

(31:28) Friendship Is Like Concentric Circles 

Jennifer talks about an exercise she developed to help explain the levels of intimacy. “A lot of times neurodivergent people who tend to be very warm and very friendly, will misunderstand the idea that if someone is friendly, that they are a friend.” 

So Jennifer created a bullseye out of crepe paper to illustrate the ways that friendship is built in levels. She says, “it was the idea that you can’t literally jump to the center of the room, to a very close bond and relationship, without falling flat on your face.”

Jennifer says the key is reciprocity, time spent, and a balance in both interest and care and empathy. 

 

Be sure to follow Jennifer on Instagram @JenniferCook_Author and check out “Love On The Spectrum US” on Netflix!

 

DEAR DAMONA (39:00)

Submit your questions on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

 

Email from N

Greetings! I saw you on the Drew Barrymore Show, bought your new book and loved it. I’ve been listening to your podcasts and have a question that I haven’t heard addressed. 

I’m a long time divorced senior in the dating world, using apps to meet guys. Many are widowed. I’m an empathetic and kind person and all of these guys have to tell me the long version of how their wife died and constantly talk about their deceased wife. 

I’ve sometimes waited 6 months and the chatter never changes. I understand they had a long history with her. I’ve joked that I wish I would have met her or how much I feel like I know her, but they don’t get the hint. 

Truthfully, I don’t enjoy hearing all of their cute little stories with what’s her name. It is a way of getting to know him but it must be all he thinks about…..any suggestions?