HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVERS!
Welcome to the first Dates and Mates episode of 2020!
We love this time of year and everything it symbolizes. You know we’re all about staying proactive and evolving your approach to dating and relationships year around – but we also like the idea of a fresh start and some motivation to reach your goals this year.
Coming through the holidays you might just be feeling like you can’t even with dating & relationships right now but what my guest for today would say to that is to Deal With It.
Joining me in studio in a moment will be Tracy Crossley – a Behavioral Relationship Expert and host of the “Deal With It! Podcast”, who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy dating and relationship patterns.
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (2:30)
Wilmer popped the question to model Amanda Pacheco this New Year’s Day! You may recall that Demi and Wilmer dated for six years. Damona’s take: “When you know you know. When a guy is ready, he is really ready. And when he’s not ready he will gladly take 6 years of your time to figure it out.”
Dating Sunday was yesterday. Everything you know for this year’s quest for love.
We’ve been telling you this for years and we just love when Damona is right.
DEAL WITH IT (14:60)
Tracy Crossley, a Behavioral Relationship Expert and host of the “Deal With It! Podcast”, joins us to talk about how to flip unhealthy dating and relationship patterns.
In addition to her mentoring services, Tracy offers her successful digital coaching program called “The Insecure Attachment Cleanse” where clients can start taking the steps to rid whatever roadblocks keep them from having healthy relationships.
Tracy is here to help us usher in the new year with some great advice to get us all started on our new years resolutions!
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- (From Instagram) Hi Damona, The guy I’m seeing still hasn’t officially made me his gf yet nor have I met his family but they do know about me. His uncle even calls me “his girl.” Me and my guy had a convo as to if I was someone he saw in his future. I asked is there a light at the end of the tunnel, was that the right choice of words? This conversation happened on the phone and I feel like I didn’t get a straight answer out of him. What should I do?
- (From Facebook) My fiance wants to get a gym membership but only for him, which I don’t approve of. I’m having doubts about it because last time he ended up flirting with his personal trainer. I had her blocked on his social media and blocked her number from texting him. I don’t understand why he needs a female personal trainer and not a male? Am I wrong to be concerned? Should I let him go alone to the gym?
Damona has THOUGHTS on the “22 Convention” – which we are referring to it as the mansplaining convention. Here’s an article wit the breakdown if you’re curious!
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Happy New Year lovers. Welcome to the first dates and mates episode of 2020. I’m your certified Dating Coach damona Hoffman here to give you the scoop on how to date and mate in the new year. I love this time of year and everything it symbolizes. You know, I’m all about staying proactive and evolving your approach to dating and relationships year round. But I also like the idea of a fresh start, and some motivation to reach your goals this year. Coming through the holidays, I know you might be feeling just like you can’t even with dating and relationships right now. But what my guest for today would say to that is to just deal with it. Joy Me in studio in a moment will be Tracy Crossley. She’s a behavioral relationship expert and she’s the host of the deal with it podcast. She specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy dating and relationship patterns. And she’s going to be doing just that and helping us rewrite our rules on love for 2020. But you know how we do? We have to discuss the headlines first. Today we’re talking about Wilmer Valderrama pops the question, but what does that mean for Demi Lovato and peak dating season launched yesterday? Everything you need to know about how to find love online this year. Plus, science says emoji users have more luck and love and we’ll tell you why. And then we’ll be answering your questions like how to get a guy to commit when even all his family knows that you’re kind of dating. And could your fiance be at the gym flirting instead of doing flies will tell you the signs in a little bit. And then I will leave you with my first damona is done. tribe of the year, and I’m fired up about something. Producer Leah, are you fired up?
I’m fired up!
Are you super fired up?
Wilmer Valderrama is engaged to Amanda Pacheco. He is a ripe 39 years old. She is just 28. And he popped the question on New Year’s Eve, very popular to pop the question on holiday. But first, I just have to mention his AX, Demi Lovato with whom he was involved for six years. And they were never engaged. And now he’s been with Amanda Pacheco, not like we’re counting but only since April. And he’s already popped the question. Here’s the thing, producer Leah. All the time people ask me like how do you know when it’s the one or my boyfriend won’t commit to me but I really feel like he’s the one and Should I stick it out? Demi Lovato put in six, six years hard time years and got nothing to show for it my rehab. And here comes Amanda Pacheco, what like eight, nine months later, she’s just like, okay, I’ll take those. Right. Yeah. My feeling is that when you know, you know, and when a guy is ready, he’s really ready. And when he’s not ready, he will gladly take six years of your time to figure it out.
Leah Schell 3:25
That hurts to hear, but it’s hard. Yeah. No, I mean, we need to hear it also, like it shouldn’t be hard. Like, it seems like Demi and Wilmers relationship was really tumultuous, and I feel like the right relationship shouldn’t be hard.
Yeah, I mean, she was definitely dealing with some things. Yeah, you’re exactly right. When you’re in the right relationship, all of these other questions and concerns and challenges. They really don’t arise in the same way. So I have to say I’m happy for Wilmer that he found somebody that he does want to spend his life with and Demi has said in the news that she’s cool with it and she wants what’s best for them and they’re still friends. Right? And I do believe you can be friends with your ex after you’ve done some healing they’ve they’ve been broken up for over a year. It’s been a minute like it’s been a while. Yeah. And he’s been supportive of her and in her relapse and keeping her sobriety. So he’s gonna move on, he has to get his life together. I don’t know about doing it on New Year’s New Year actually was on New Year’s Day. I said New Year’s Eve, but it was on New Year’s Day. And then he made a big post about it. I just don’t like engagements happening on holidays. I feel like these are stressful, right?
Leah Schell 4:37
Yeah. And then like, I don’t know, just like, every year from now on, it’s going to be like, you’re some sort of like anniversary and like that. That holiday too. So it’s just kind of adds to the stress to me also like it, I don’t know, it makes the holiday less special. So
yeah, I have no idea when my husband proposed to me know it might have been June. Yeah, I mean, I remember the moment and it was when we moved into our first house, but I wasn’t checking the clock like that. But I’ll tell you because there was such a focus. Like we hear all these stories of engagements like this. I was stressed out every time there was a holiday, or we did a trip together because I thought he was going to like, make this grand gesture thing. Yeah. And then stop and then I just like spent every holiday for a year just off it didn’t happen. You know what somebody asked me actually this week, they said, How do you do you believe in women proposing to men and I was like, in theory? Yes. Yeah, I totally do. But I don’t know why when it was my turn. I couldn’t do it. I was a little old fashioned about that. I guess all evolving.
Leah Schell 5:44
I know. Yeah. Sam, I just like I don’t know. I’m feminist. I consider myself self feminist, but I don’t think I would have the guts to do it. Like, do that.
Well, I don’t know if you would have the guts for a proposal. It would You have the guts to go online for dating Sunday? Yes, yes. resounding yes. this past Sunday was the biggest online dating day of the year. Let me explain why. This is the time of the year when the dating app see a huge surge in new members, starting with last Sunday night. That’s when everybody goes online to try to set up their dates for the first date of the year, right. And now we’re in a mad dash to Valentine’s Day. I’m really not trying to stress you guys oh yeah, not for nothing but the clock is ticking. But everyone is feeling everyone’s feeling the way that you all are. If you’re single and you’re like, New year, new boo, you’re ready for a change everybody flocks to the dating apps and this is when you’re going to see the most number of new people online. You know, everybody’s like, I go online, I see the same people I see the same people on Bumble And then they’re also on hinge and then they are they’re also on Tinder. If you have said that. This is the Day, this is the week, this is the time that you need to go online refresh your dating profile. If you haven’t gotten my free profile starter kit, do it. It’s on the website, we’ll put this link in the show notes. But it’s going to be bigger this this peak dating season is going to be bigger than ever. All of the apps are growing at rapid rapid numbers. And so if you ever wanted a chance to find a match is now pace right now. Did that was that stress, though? I made? I added stress didn’t I
Leah Schell 7:31
know I? Okay. I mean, no, I feel like it’s just important knowledge for people to know.
Okay, thanks, Russell. Yeah, let’s flip it. I’m adding opportunity. This is your best opportunity. And while you are on the apps or while you are moving into these new relationships, I have another tip for you because the Kinsey Institute came out with a study that said people who use emojis have better luck on dating apps. Now for the longtime listeners of this show, this is not going to surprise you. But I love it when science backs up what I’ve said on the show. The reason is, according to the author of the study, she says specifically for emojis were particularly interested in them as a way to signal effect or emotion in an effort to better connect with someone in the context of online dating. Now she said it in the scientist way, I’m going to bring it down to earth for you. I’ve always said emojis or mood modifiers. The problem with communicating through text, and especially communicating with people that you don’t know through text or through chat is that we can’t tell the context. We don’t know what you mean. If you use emojis sparingly for effect, as she says, you actually can make a better connection. People can understand your sense of humor, they can understand your personality better, and you’re going to do better according to the Kinsey Institute on these dating apps.
Leah Schell 8:56
Yeah, I have something to add. I just Like I’m personally not like the hugest user of emojis, but I prefer gifts instead. Um, so like, if you’re like a person who like is still like not obsessed with like emojis, maybe try gifts and you can go to the app store and get the gift keyboard for free and it’s just like, I don’t know, there’s it’s super easy to use if like, you’re just not using emojis.
gifts are really great. Yeah, we’re showing personality and showing sense of humor. rashly and memes. So they’re great to use in tandem with words. Yeah, I do not recommend them in new chats. Oh, really? Don’t know. Yeah. As the only text Right,
Leah Schell 9:41
right. Totally. Yeah, no, yeah. As like a text like a joke and then like a GIF to reinforce that.
Yeah. Producer Leah, was like, honey, I got this. I’ve been doing this.
Leah Schell 9:52
I’ve been doing that. It’s good for people to know like, you know, it’s good, you know, information.
I know some of our some of our more mature listeners are probably listening to that, like, What is she even talking about? Like, it’s the video, you know, with a funny saying, yeah. So don’t panic. If you don’t know about this stuff yet. Don’t panic. Just stay tuned, I’m going to keep giving you all of the guidance and advice and we’ll just ease you into it. It’s 2020. We are starting the year fresh. But don’t worry, we’re going to baby step into it. We’re going to get you going. And we’ll be talking later with Tracy Crossley, a behavioral relationship expert and the host of the deal with it podcast. But first, I just have to tell you if you want to date differently in 2020, let’s talk I am hosting a very special webinar just for the single ladies and the single guys called why online dating doesn’t work for you. And we’ll be doing a presentation plus a live coaching and QA. And if you have a dating dilemma that you want to talk to me about this is your chance. This is the time where you can get free coaching from me on your specific problem plus, you’ll get all of the online data tips that I have been sharing on this on this podcast. And on TV I was just on E news doing a profile makeover, and then more. It’s a whole webinar about online dating dating apps and how you can really master them for this year. So you can sign up at the dating secret.com it’s free. Again, the website is th e dating secret calm we’ll put the link in the show notes and on our blog at dates and mates. com. Stick around we have Tracy Crossley coming right up plus your questions being answered and technically dating see in a moment. We are here with Tracy Crossley. She is a behavioral relationship expert and the host of the deal with it podcast which specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy dating and relationship patterns. In addition to her mentoring services, Tracy offers her successful digital coaching program called the insecure attachment cleanse you know I’m always talking about attachment styles. So we will get into that. And a little bit but in this program, her clients can start taking the steps to rid whatever roadblocks are keeping them from having healthy relationships. And it’s the beginning of the year. And I know many of you are looking at your dating patterns of the last year, maybe two, maybe more. And you’re thinking this is the time that I need to make a new year’s resolution around dating around this relationship that is not serving me and you want to clear out that roadblock so today I’m going to give you a little taste of what Tracy does. First, let’s start out with giving her big smooches, big smooches to Tracy Crossley.
Tracy Crossley 12:37
Well, thank you and big speeches to you.
Thank you. I will take all this mooches especially this time of year, the year starting out. Everybody is kind of like clean slate. I’ve been through the holidays. It’s stressful for everyone regardless of your relationship status. And you want to start new you want to start fresh. What are Some of the steps that you find people can do at this time of year to set themselves off on a new on a new foot. It’s 2020 New Year new you, what’s the like the first thing that you should be doing?
Tracy Crossley 13:13
Well, I believe most people get caught up in the season. And on the one hand, they’re thinking, I can go to all the parties, I can drink, I can eat, I can do all these things and let loose. And then January 1, all of a sudden, I can’t do any of that anymore, because now I need to get it together, right? So a lot of times we have expectations of ourselves that actually set up a downfall to me because you get into a mindset through the holidays and and if you’re struggling through the holidays, of course, you have this idea that maybe once the holidays are done, things will be better. So it’s always an expectation you’re having of some kind of future that you want to have happen. And there’s pressure with that. And so I say stay in the moment, stay in the moment as much as you can. Enjoy where you are, or if you’re even suffering where you are, except that you’re not in a great place, but that that will pass and it does pass. But a lot of times we have expectations, we really get caught up in, it needs to be this way. I want things to be this way. And instead, it’s so much better just to stay in the moment and be where you are.
And you brought up an interesting point about this all or nothing philosophy. Like I was totally an indulgence in December and now it’s January. And I can’t do any of that I have to I have to be very rigid with myself or for some people like dating Sunday is coming up. This is when the most number the highest number of new users will be on dating apps and will be swiping Sunday night, y’all this week. So it can also go into a state of overwhelm where you’re so focused on it. You’re gripping it so tightly. And even brief. How do you help people find that balance and set up their expectations where they want something, but they’re not crushing it to death?
Tracy Crossley 15:10
Well, that still comes back to being attached to an outcome, right? And a lot of times we put pressure that we have to have it now, like when I was dating before my husband, one of the things that I did was I stopped doing this thing that I did every year, which is I can’t be alone for the holidays. I can’t go through another holiday alone, right? And so that creates a lot of that pressure. And I just said, You know what, whenever it happens, it happens for me, as long as I am doing things that are going toward getting into a healthy relationship. So I gave myself a break, and I stopped with the craziness. And I you know, I did not put a time limit on it because I figured when I was ready, it would show up. And that didn’t mean I was sitting on my couch eating bonbons, but it was I was actively moving in that direction without Bunch of this has to happen by this date this has to happen here there. I took all of that off the board, because really all you’re doing is making yourself a crazy person.
So what did you do in that time when you realize that your relationship patterns were not serving you,
Tracy Crossley 16:16
you have to do something right to shift out of that mindset. And to prepare yourself to, to be ready for the next relationship, the different relationship.
Tracy Crossley 16:30
And I did I you know, I’ve been doing the work in my business for 12 years at this point. And I was also growing along with my work. So about six, eight months before I met my husband. I came I was standing in my bathroom, and I realized, oh my gosh, I am afraid to go out on a date. I had a huge wall of fear, and I knew that I had to do something. So I really took myself in hand and I committed Committed to dating to get to a relationship whenever that would happen, which was totally different than how I did it before I always had one foot in and one foot out, oh, I’ll go on a date. And I’ll see what happens, oh, gosh, this guy’s a loser or always finding a problem with the person. And I realized that a lot of the problems were with me and how I was doing it how open I was not.
As in I was closed.
Tracy Crossley 17:23
So I went through all of these different iterations with myself and it kept growing, kept going on on dates, made myself be vulnerable in places where I would never in a million years have done like instead of ghosting somebody actually saying to them, hey, look, this isn’t gonna work out for me. So about two months before I met my husband, I started writing letters to him. And so two months later, he showed up and again when I did the letters, I had no okay, this has to be by this date sort of thing. I just wrote them and i was growing along with my letters. And they were I mean, they were letters where I looked at them and I thought, How did this happen three months after I met him, I’m like, Oh my god, this is so him and weird things that I never in a million years would have asked for or said, but for some reason I wrote them in the letters.
Hmm. I had a similar experience before I met my husband of like writing down all of these qualities that I was looking for, and thinking that that person didn’t exist. I won’t bore our listeners because they’ve heard the story a couple of times, but it sounds like what you’re talking about is manifestation. And I know that’s that’s also that’s a program that you have about manifesting your your honeybun the love of your life. Okay, a lot of people are just heard me say that word and they backed up and they’re like, Oh, that sounds that sounds like witchcraft or something. How do you define manifestation? And how do you think we’re
Tracy Crossley 19:01
Well in a non woowoo way, and this is very true, its commitment to what you want most of us, like I was just saying we have one foot in one foot out, I actually committed with both feet, that means riding the roller coaster of whatever is going on, whether it’s inside of you, whether it’s the dates, it’s really being committed to that end result that you want. And its intention. If you have an intention, and you take action towards that intention, you’re going to arrive there at some point, but we have a lot of doubts and a lot of other crap that we put in the way. And then we end up in these cycles where we never get where we want and we’re lamenting about our situation. And I stopped doing that. And so for me in how like in the course that I’m teaching the 30 day course on manifesting your honeybun it’s really showing people how to write letters because one of the things whenever people talk about attracting, they feel that they have to be perfect or only show their positive side In these letters, I would say things like I am having a bad day. Now, I was being very honest and open with who I was. And I kept growing through the process and taking responsibility for the things I was saying the things I was doing. And just like I said, when he showed up in my life, I didn’t immediately go to the letters and go, Oh my gosh, is this the guy? But a couple months later, I looked at the letters and I was like, Oh, my God,
this is the guy. That’s how it happens. Because if you think if you recognize it in the moment, then sometimes it goes back to what I was saying earlier. That’s when you start to squeeze it like, this could be the one this could be the one and it, it’s it. It kind of takes the magic out of the moment. And I’m so glad that you said really staying present and staying in the moment. This is what I’m always telling people about dating. I mean, longtime listeners, how many times have I said it’s not about projecting that person into the future as your husband or could they meet my friends are My mom, but it’s it’s about being there with them and listening and responding authentically. So I like this, I like this method. I, I don’t want to just brush the past under the rug, though. And I’ve been in situations where I found it useful to advise clients to write a letter that they’re never going to send to an X that they feel they have unresolved issues with. Do you think that letters to the past have have a place in this process? Or is it more about just looking towards the future?
Tracy Crossley 21:37
Or is there something else you recommend and healing through there? I mean, there’s a quite a few different things that in my work that I do to help people and it’s always backwards and present, because we don’t want to create the future from our past.
Right. So so it’s a present letter to this person, just to clarify the letters that you were writing daily. It’s a present Letter to that person, even though you haven’t met them yet,
Tracy Crossley 22:03
right. And it was really about the things on a deeper level that I wanted. I mean, there were some things that were surface level too. But it wasn’t, you have to be this height This way, you have to have this job. I wasn’t like that I made it more about, where’s my connection going to be to this guy, it’s going to be from my heart, because my head should not be in a relationship. romance and your mind really don’t get along when it comes to that. And so I look at it from the perspective of what is the heart one and that was very difficult because I was closed for a long time and I didn’t realize it. I had done all this work on myself. And I thought, No, I’m in a good place. But really, it wasn’t until I got to. I’m not in relationship I am afraid of dating. And I had to go through all the things I feared which to other people may or may not be fearful, but for me it was and so it was really getting to Who am I authentically when it came to dating Being my most authentic self, when I dated
What were you afraid of?
Tracy Crossley 23:04
I was actually afraid of being in a relationship. I had been divorced. This is my second marriage. But I had been divorced for a number of years. And I had dysfunctional relationships. I had, you know, my own attachment issues that I had worked through. I call it using the Laboratory of past relationships, and basically experimenting with my own growth through the relationship. So I had a lot to work through. And when I got to that point, about six months out, I had been working for years, but it was that recognition of, Hey, I haven’t really wanted a relationship up until now I’ve been too afraid of that.
Hmm. That’s a big moment to acknowledge that acknowledge that fear. And I think probably everyone listening that is wanting a relationship and is not in it right now. There’s, there’s something there’s probably a fear component. attached to some element of dating or being in a relationship, or maybe even being in the wrong relationship and knowing it, and being afraid to leave that. So let’s talk about like healing and moving out of those relationships. You were just about to give me some very juicy, juicy exercises or tips on, on moving out of the past. Maybe it’s writing this letter to to your ex that you never send. What What is it that you recommend for people?
Tracy Crossley 24:35
Well, there’s, I mean, as I started to say before, I went off on a tangent there, but I basically look at it from the perspective of when you look at the past, you want to find where the root of your pain is, whatever your fear is, is attached to some old pain, usually from childhood and what you want to be able to do is know where the root of it is, and you want to feel Your feelings around it as well. Like I have a big thing about feeling your feelings most people are in their heads. Again, your head is not your heart. And so to do the past work, you need to get into your feelings. You need to not be afraid of your feelings. So many people are afraid of them. You have anxiety for a moment, and you’re thinking, I can’t handle this. I don’t want anxiety again. But you can handle it. You can live through it. And it’s not the anxiety that really is going to give you the answers. It’s what’s that past pain. And then as you feel your past pain, you can make a choice, you can make a choice to do something different. But you have to do it and feel it. You can’t just think it because we just think it you’re not really changing anything.
Hmm. And many times we end up in what I call snack relationships or just snacking along the way. And we’re full because I mean, we’ve been eating all day, but at the same time we would really like to have a meal actually we really need a meal to sustain ourselves. And you talk about something similar in not settling for bread crumbs. How do you know if you’re even settling for bread crumbs.
Tracy Crossley 26:09
So I have a very easy way of knowing. And that is, if it feels like hard work, and it’s not easy on any level, you are in a breadcrumb relationship, because you’re always in a state of struggle always wanting more, not having more. And a lot of this, of course comes from inside in your own value. But when you’re looking at that other person as they don’t do enough, they don’t do what I want a list of complaints. You’re basically in a breadcrumb relationship because your needs aren’t being met, first by you, and then by the other person in a healthy relationship. It’s easier. These aren’t even issues that I have in my relationship. I don’t nag at my husband. He’s not nagging at me. It doesn’t mean it’s perfect. But there are not those components of working like a dog to make it happen. Mm hmm.
What about those people who are dating, they’re not even necessarily in a relationship, but they’re just going from date to date to date. Just feeling unsatisfied. I just hear this from so many listeners like, well, I’m out here damona I’m doing the online dating thing, and I’m swiping, but I’m not meeting anybody that’s at my level.
Tracy Crossley 27:23
Right? But see, here’s the thing. First of all, we don’t know the package that it’s going to come in. And a lot of times we think we know, but we’re really going on someone else’s checklist or we’re going on our past. So we’re not really open to what else there is out there. I wasn’t looking for a specific package. I was looking for somebody who was kind, okay, so somebody who’s kind and I’m attracted to that was basically what I was looking for.
Tracy, that’s like, that seems like that could be anybody. Like people say to me, I don’t want to lower my exercise. But in a way that’s that’s pretty is that it sounds kind of modest, those expectations, but is it that hard to find someone that is kind?
Tracy Crossley 28:12
Well, because you have to also be able to be kind to yourself to some degree, a lot of us aren’t very kind to ourselves and we’re very judgmental and not accepting. And so when we meet people, we apply those same strategies. Oh, this is wrong with this person that’s wrong with this person. And then we never feel good inside because we’re judging ourselves in the same way. So you have to have some level of self acceptance, that you’re just a flawed human being and that’s okay. We don’t know why we’re here. So nobody is saying to us, will you you need to do this and everybody in the world is agreeing upon it. There’s all sorts of different opinions. There’s all sorts of different subjectivity when it comes to someone’s perception. So why are you needing somebody to be perfect for you? When there’s no such thing you need a human being
So glad that you said that I hope all of you are taking notes. Because you just said something extremely profound. First, the acknowledgement that you are flawed because I think we’re all trying and we look at social media, and we’re trying to live up to this idea of perfection. But that when you Okay guys, you don’t get, don’t get, don’t close up on me because I’m about to just repeat something that Tracy said that I really want to make sure you hear. When you are finding something wrong with every other person with every person that you’re dating, you have to stop and look at the way that you’re judging yourself, girl that is that is profound. And that’s something that I think most of us never do it look at like how, what is that self talk that that you’re saying to yourself? And then how are you applying that to someone else?
Tracy Crossley 29:57
Right, because that goes back to the checklist. So When you were saying all the different characteristics someone is looking for, the reason that they are is because of their own shortcomings. Why do you need somebody to, let’s say, earn a certain amount of money? What does that mean to you? Why is there a meaning in it? I’m not saying it’s wrong or it’s bad. It’s where does it come from? A lot of times, it’s some kind of compensation for how you feel about you. Mm hmm.
Yeah. And if you feel like I will, I can make that much money. I don’t need someone with that much money because I’m taking care of myself. But some of it is also these societal restrictions, whether it comes from comes from your parents, or it comes from the belief that the man is supposed to be the breadwinner, then then we start filtering things through these really arbitrary social constructs. not to get too esoteric,
Tracy Crossley 30:51
but no, but it’s true. Because the thing is, I noticed that most of us do not know what a sense of well being is. We don’t know how to be happy. Happy inside. And we think that having these attributes in a partner that’s somehow going to make us happy, and it doesn’t, you’ve got to take care of your own happiness and bring that to the relationship rather than you need to make me happy. Mm hmm.
Okay, I hope you all are listening and taking notes because this is really profound. We’re talking about New year, new year new you new relationship. What are some things can you give us like maybe one or two exercises that people can do to to get to get set up to bring in the right relationship? This time we talked about writing the letters. I’d love to give people like one more tip to take into dating Sunday that is coming up so that they’re not repeating that same pattern.
Tracy Crossley 31:49
So there’s actually a couple things that come to mind. I mean, I have several but I’ll just start with these two. Number one is you have to be you and everybody says that but nobody really understands what that is. When you are being you, that means you’re not apologizing for you. That means you’re not trying too hard as in, you’re putting in extra effort. You put in enough effort in. In other words, if I want to go out on a date, and I want to wear a certain outfit, it’s because I feel good in it. I’m not thinking Oh, my dates gonna like this. Because if I think my dates gonna like it, and then I go, well, it’s kind of uncomfortable, but I know it looks good, but I don’t feel my best in it, then what am I doing? I am not being true to myself. So there’s all these ways that we show up to dating, where we sort of give ourselves away when we’re not actually taking care of ourselves. So being you is a big one. The other thing is when you go on a date with somebody, you want to focus on how you feel. This is a big one for most people, because most people go on a date and their whole focus is on the date. What’s that person like? What’s that person doing? I don’t like how they park their hair. I don’t like how they choose their food. There’s this critiquing going on, right? And so there’s no connection to the feeling you’re having of, am I enjoying this date? How do I feel without it being a reaction to the other person and what they’re doing? It’s, I’m here to be open, am I being open? Like I would check with myself when I was dating and go, am I being authentic? Or am I trying to get a second date? What am I doing? And then I would dial it back when I realized, Oh, I am trying to get a second date. And I would say something that was meaningful and honest about me to that person at that point. And I would always feel so much better, because I was just being me at that point. And that is so much easier.
I I love that you said that and that it’s about how you feel on the day, I was just having this conversation with a client. And she can be very analytical and have a checklist. And I said, let’s put the checklist away and focus on feeling how, just how do you feel when you’re with this person? Let’s not think about the future or mechanics or anything, just that, that feeling. You’ve talked earlier about how people are afraid of their own feelings. And in a way, it’s almost like sometimes we’re afraid of feeling good. And I’ll admit, I even had this experience when I met my husband. And it was so good. And I had been used to such drama. Before that, there’s a part of me that almost was waiting for it to turn bad. Because it was such a foreign feeling of just feeling good. So even just being able to differentiate between like, this feels really comfortable. And this feels like I’m in my head. There are certain people that would trigger those old patterns in you, and others that will let you be more authentic.
Tracy Crossley 34:45
Oh, I think so. I mean, when I met my husband, just to give you an idea, I was also doing online dating, and had been the whole way through when I was writing the letters and before and what’s funny is, I was attracting all these things. Different men, because I realized I was open, I didn’t get a better profile. I didn’t do anything differently, except open myself. And on an energetic level, because we are all human beings were made of energy. There’s just something it’s like when you walk in the room at the party, right? And you can read the room and tell who’s in a bad mood, who’s somebody who’s approachable. It’s that kind of energy that as human beings that we give off, or we can tell things are going on. So when you’re open, it’s different because you’re now experiencing yourself. And you’re not so concerned with, okay, what’s gonna happen to me But anyways, back to I had I think, like six guys. And yeah, it was really funny because it’s not at one time. And it never had been that way before. And one of the funniest things was one of them. I thought, Oh, this guy is really interesting. And then I felt that feeling and that feeling of Oh, if you go down this road with this, dude Here, you are going to be in the kind of relationship you’ve been in before and that this wasn’t my husband. This was some other guy. And it was only through a conversation I had with him. I didn’t even go out on a date with him. And it wasn’t because I was judging him. It was knowing the feeling I was having inside and going. And then and then and no Red Flag Warning.
Oh, yeah, that’s something you will pick it up energetically, you will pick up that feeling of this is familiar but familiar in a bad way sometimes. But it could be also familiar in a good way. Like this person makes me feel comfortable, like when I’m around my friends, but just tuning into that can be a big shift. We’ve been talking about some very deep and heavy things. Just logistically, are there good or bad places to go on a first day in your opinion?
Tracy Crossley 36:49
I really don’t think so. Because you mean obviously don’t go to a strip club or something. Like that sort of a you know, I guess if you both are into that, that’s fine. I mean, I’m talking about something where it’s super distracting and you’re not actually paying attention to the other person on a date. Like, I don’t think a great first date is a movie. But that’s my opinion, just because you’re not really learning anything about that person. And I think that that is important when you’re dating because you’re going in the store. You’re trying on the shoes. Oh, these shoes fit great are these shoes are a little tight. And that’s what dating is to me. So how can you tell if you’re distracted?
Good point. What if you’re already in a relationship at this point, and you’re just not sure. This is the person for you that this is this is the right relationship right now. Are there things that that our listeners should be doing to assess that?
Tracy Crossley 37:44
So you want to again, pay attention to yourself when I started dating my husband as an example, I realized I was smiling all the time. Okay, that’s unusual for me. When it came to dating or relationships, I was usually in some state drama, some kind of struggle. And I wasn’t struggling, that was one thing. And it felt easy. And I was smiling, I was having fun. I was the biggest goofball I’ve ever been. I mean, I was really
me, that’s important, bringing out the humor and the fun side of you.
Tracy Crossley 38:19
And it was really interesting, because I never felt when I was dating my husband that he was judging me and I wasn’t judging him. And that was also different. So those are signs of a healthy relationship. And that’s what you want to look for when you have the drama. And I hear this all the time, because I have a call in where people will ask me questions. And a lot of the questions are trying to take something that’s dysfunctional, and make it functional, but they’re the only one that’s wanting to make it functional. They’re not including like the partner in making it functional. So when you’re starting off there, unless both of you are committed to making the relationship good, you’re probably in a dysfunctional relationship that’s going to remain that way. doesn’t mean you have to remain that way you can do work on yourself. But it’s really knowing that you’re in a healthy relationship. It’s just it’s easy. I don’t know what your experiences, but that’s my experience. It is easy.
Yeah. And I’ve told people about that before on the show that I think we’re addicted to that feeling of drama. And it should be easy and it should be a communication based. Like if you are afraid to really express how you feel or you feel like the communication is off like that is a really big red flag. And that’s a lot of the questions we get to is just like, I feel like they don’t understand me or whenever I say something, then it turns into a big to do and it doesn’t mean like that person’s a bad person or you’re a bad person. It’s just like, maybe this isn’t the right match for you right now in your life. And I believe in There being different relationships potentially at different parts of your life, I think there are different matches that there isn’t just one possible match for you. So sometimes you have to just take stock of what you have new year. And, and maybe what you have is not the relationship for this for the, for the immediate future.
Tracy Crossley 40:21
I look at it that way too. And I always tell people, especially again, going back to my own dating story, but what I also share with clients and people that I talked to, it’s a journey. And when you allow it to not have an expiration date, I have to have something by this date, or it has to be in this package, and you allow it to be the journey. every relationship every date always brings you closer to having that healthy relationship. So you want to allow yourself to have experiences that’s another big thing. People do not want to have the experience. They want to either learn it in a book, think about it and go Oh, you know what, I don’t want to do that and then they never go have the experience or They think they know and they don’t go have the experience. But it really is about becoming resilient to disappointment. Allowing yourself and that’s emotional resilience. But allowing yourself those things you grow as a person, you grow as a partner, so that as you’re on that journey, and you finally get to the healthy relationship, you’ve picked up all these tools, and you become more yourself and more available.
And then no matter what comes your way, you know how to deal with it. Just like you say, in your podcast, deal with it. What What made you title your podcast, deal with it? So
Tracy Crossley 41:36
So the reason I named it deal with it was my literary agent. I had submitted my book title to her, and it was part of my book title. And then we’ve actually changed the book title. And, but But the thing is, I’m always saying that I will say deal with it. We’re all expletive. We are all screwed up. We are all messed up. We are all in That’s okay. And you can be happy anyway. Because the bottom line is happiness to me is what’s really important. Not being perfect, not trying to be what somebody else thinks you should be. And therefore, if you just deal with the fact that you’re just a flawed human being, okay, so what it becomes not a non issue to me,
I say it actually to my daughter all the time, like, you know, she’ll, she’ll be railing against some something went wrong, and I’m like, Okay, now we know that’s the situation now we have to deal with it. Like, we can’t just stay in this state of crisis. We have to take action, and we have to process what’s going on. So I love that you’re doing that on your podcast, and you’re helping people deal with it on a daily basis. We have questions that have come to us from our listeners. They’re trying to deal with it, Tracy. So hopefully you can help them with these questions. All right, first question. Hi damona Hello. The guy I’m seeing still hasn’t officially made me his gf girlfriend yet, nor have I met his family but they do know about me his uncle even calls me his girl. Me and my guy had a Convo as to if I was someone he saw in his future. I asked, Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Was that the right choice of words? This conversation happened on the phone? I feel like I didn’t get a straight answer out of him. What should I do? So she’s trying to figure out is this is this relationship going somewhere? I would say if she didn’t get the answer that she was looking for. It probably wasn’t the right choice of words at that moment because she didn’t get her answer out of it. How would you recommend she go forward now to get the answer about where this relationship is going?
Tracy Crossley 43:51
Well, okay, so I have a little bit of a different spin. My question to her is, what is she actually communicating to him besides what she said? In other words, when you’re in a relationship with someone, and supposedly other people know about you, in this case, that’s what’s happening. But the problem is, she has confronted him with this. I don’t know how long they’ve been going out. But there’s an expectation. And it doesn’t sound like they’ve been communicating all the way along. Usually in a healthy relationship. You’re talking about this stuff, it’s not that you have to pull it out of a guy to get there. And if you’re having to pull it out of the guy, then you have to ask yourself, how hard am I working at this? And in what she said to him in a healthy relationship? Again, the guy would still answer you, the guy would still be like, oh, what do you mean, or, you know, wanting to elaborate on that so that you guys come to a really, you know, clear communicative point in your relationship. But it just sounds like to me, he’s not completely coming forward. I also think when you put it on the other person to describe what the future is, you’re kind of taking yourself out as a partner, where you’re a partner in this as well. You have the power of choice and you’re just leaving it up to the other person to make all the choices.
You’re so so right about that. And it’s, it’s crazy how much power we do give away in relationships. And it sounds to me like this might be a newer relationship that that she is wanting to become something and kind of pushing it in that direction. And maybe also, you know, holiday time tends to bring out that sort of stress and obviously family knows about her but she’s not really sure what the relationship is. And this is a this is a pattern that I’m seeing a lot just culturally of people being in these situation ships and not knowing where they stand. So I it sounds like our advice is if you want the relationship to go somewhere, you have to be brave enough to share that desire for for things to be exclusive and
Tracy Crossley 45:57
be clear because that’s what I think a lot of Women don’t do is that they are hoping they can just hint around or say things and then the guy is going to go Oh, well, here, this is what’s happening.
Yeah. Yeah, guys, you’re not you’re not so into the subtlety.
Tracy Crossley 46:12
Now. And the thing is, when you really are taking care of yourself, you’re going to ask as a direct question, because again, you have a choice in it. So if you’re asking, Hey, where do you think this relationship is at right now? Like right now, not in the future, because a lot of times we get caught up in what’s going to happen in the future that causes anxiety, it causes pressure, and it starts to drive a wedge in the relationship anyways, but it’s to be clear where you are now Hey, where do you feel like this is headed right now? What? What is going on with you because I know where I am. And this is where I am. Right? And then you can make a choice. Otherwise, you’re sort of in this Limbo land, waiting for somebody to come up with something. Well, maybe if I manipulate him this way, he’ll give me the answer I want meaning maybe I’ll be really nice or I’ll do something special. And then he’ll go oh my god, I can’t live without you. I want to be with you the rest of my life. But that’s all manipulation. And that’s not really being true to yourself either.
Mm hmm. That’s great advice. That’s great advice. And I’ve done the other. Go, I have to. It doesn’t work, y’all. Okay. This is someone that that seems to have a little bit more clarity in communication, but still not going the way that she wants. This woman says, My fiance wants to get a gym membership, but only for him, which I don’t approve of New Year everybody’s thinking, fitness. Right? Well, here’s why she says I’m having doubts about it because last time he ended up flirting with his personal trainer. I had her blocked on his social media and blocked her number from texting him. I don’t understand why he needs a female personal trainer and not a male. Am I wrong to be concerned? Should I let him go alone to the gym? A big trust Yeah, trust issue here.
Tracy Crossley 47:56
Yeah, and control and the thing is when you are trying to control Your partner, you are in a losing battle, you’re in a struggle that you’re going to be in the rest of your life, because it’s probably not just that. So let’s say that he doesn’t join the gym without her, then he may do something else. And she’ll have the same issue, she’ll find an issue somewhere else. It’s like when women get into this place, and I’ve had clients do this where they meet somebody, and then they have a time limit, well, it’s been six months, or it’s been a year we should move in together. And then if it’s not happening in that time, then they’re upset and they’re focused on that. And then it happens. And then it’s like, okay, when are we getting married? So it’s, it’s always shifting that focus. And the truth is, either you’re going to be able to trust your partner is committed to you or not. And then if not, you gotta ask yourself, why am I in a relationship with someone that I don’t feel as committed? And then asking yourself, Am I committed? So if this guy is committed, and he’s he’s saying her fiance so
Tracy Crossley 48:49
the committed to something? Well,
Tracy Crossley 48:51
yeah, words are wonderful, but it’s really about Is he really emotionally committed? I’m not saying he is or he isn’t. Okay? Because We don’t know. We’re not that it’s her perception of him and what he does when he’s not with her. So he could be flirting with somebody at the grocery store. He could be flirting everywhere he goes. But that’s neither here nor there. It goes back to how uncomfortable Are you in trying to control what he does or doesn’t do
it? It’ll make you crazy. If you’re, if you’re worried about every place, he goes, who he’s going to be talking to, it will literally make you crazy.
Tracy Crossley 49:27
Yes. And that’s why why do it? Well, now you might be attached, maybe you’re afraid of losing him. And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have any fear of losing somebody, but you want to be with somebody because you love them and because you feel good. But this doesn’t sound like it feels good. And so you don’t want to be controlling him. You’re going to need to let go of that outcome and let him do what he does. And if he ends up disappointing you, if he ends up having another female trainer or what have you, then you got to make a choice. At that point. Do I want to be with somebody who makes these kinds of choices? Or not. And it’s pretty much that because it doesn’t sound like you’re going to be able to change him. And one other thing, he probably is in a state of rebellion on some level, if he feels that you’re trying to be his parent here.
Yeah, that definitely happens. Nobody wants to be controlled and and then when you get resistance, then you push back. Even harder. It sounds like, we’re just gonna have to deal with it. We’re gonna have to rip the band aid off and deal with it, just as Tracy does on her podcast, deal with it. Make sure you check that out. We’ll put the link in the show notes. And you can also find Tracy on Facebook at transformative coach and on Twitter @TracyCrossley, Again, that’ll be in the show notes for you. And also, if you’re ready for a change in the way that you move into relationships, maybe you need an insecure attachment cleanse, so you can do that 30 day program with Tracy, thanks so much for being here.
Tracy Crossley 51:00
Well, thank you for having me. This has been great. I’ve really enjoyed it.
Before we wrap this up, I need to talk to you all about something. It’s been a while since we’ve done a de monas diatribe, because there’s a lot to say about this. There’s been controversy about this topic. All right. There is this convention happening in Orlando on May 1. If you got nothing better to do, you should go to the 22 convention, which media has affectionately referred to as the mansplaining convention? It’s being put on by a guy on Twitter called beach muscles, who calls himself the president of the manosphere. Obviously, I was joking, you should not go to this conference. But if you want to know what you would get for the low, low price of $2,000, you can sit in a convention center in Orlando, while men mansplain femininity to you. It’ll cover topics like feminism versus femininity, getting pregnant, being wiped up and getting fit because he says women’s health is in a major crisis today. Don’t believe the hype ladies do not buy into this idea that you have to change Who you are to become more dateable. It’s 2020. You can be a boss and still be a lady. You can choose if you want to have kids or not. You can delay marriage until you get your career together or skip it entirely. And you can be beautiful in
Tracy Crossley 52:13
body. Thanks for the help beach muscles. But no thanks. I think ladies are doing pretty damn great just as they are right now. I’m sorry, I got a little worked up producer Leah.
Leah Schell 52:26
But now this is a topic that deserves such a response.
I cannot believe that in this day and age. He thinks that he has the right to come into a convention to create a convention for women to teach women how to be women.
Leah Schell 52:42
Also, I want to know who’s buying these tickets like I can’t
I can’t even believe that this thing exists. And of course it’s getting tons of press. So I just had to throw my two cents into it and say Don’t even think about doing this workshop. But if you want to do an actual workshop That will help you please join me for why dating apps won’t work for you. It’s a virtual free webinar for anyone men and women I don’t discriminate, and you can sign up. Sign up at thedatingsecret.com and keep coming back to dates and mates. I’ll keep giving your love life a boost all throughout the year. We will put all the links from today’s show in the show notes at dates and mates calm and we’ll also show you how you can get a hold of Tracy Crossley my amazing guest for today’s show. Also, if you are really ready to get started and date differently in 2020, the 30 day dating playbook could be your solution. I’ve taken the five steps to find your match that have worked for hundreds of my clients. over the many years I’ve been coaching and created an easy to follow 30 day program that will lead you to the love that you deserve all before Valentine’s Day. You can find out more at 30 day dating calm and again that link will be in the show notes at dates and mates calm as well. I hope you enjoyed episode. 291 of dates and mates. Again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. Please join in the conversation. Send me your questions for future episodes and share this episode with a friend. Until next week, I wish you happy dating