This week, we have the next fantastic episode of “F the Fairytale” Summer series, where we are doing bite-sized episodes inspired by the themes of Damona’s book, “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story.” 

Dating has changed drastically since Damona wrote her first dating profile for someone else about 18 years ago, but one thing has remained the same: everyone wants a dating hack, a shortcut, a system, something to make this yellow brick road run a little faster.

You all know dating takes time, and a successful relationship starts with slow love. So in reality, those quick dating fixes might actually be setting you back in your search for fulfilling connections. 

That’s why we are diving into The Rules Myth this week on the Dates & Mates podcast as we revisit one of Damona’s favorite panels from the F the Fairy Tale forum with love and relationship experts  Arielle Ford & Francesca Hogi! 

THE RULES MYTH (1:05)

The Rules Myth governs those who see dating as a game to be won, leading to a tactical and often robotic approach to meeting people. 

This mindset drives the popularity of books like “The Rules” and “The Game” and fuels the hunger for dating hacks on social media. But just because swipe apps gamify dating doesn’t mean you have to play by their rules. You control your love story.

(2:30) Arielle Ford

Arielle is a celebrated love and relationship expert, author, and speaker, and she is the co-creator and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series. 

Before that, she spent years as a book publicist and was instrumental in launching the careers of many New York Times best-selling self-help authors, including Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield, Don Miguel Ruiz, and Debbie Ford.

Ariel is the author of 11 books, including the international bestseller “The Soulmate Secret: Manifest The Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction”. It’s published in 21 languages and 40 countries.

(3:16) Francesca Hogi

Francesca is a former corporate lawyer turned matchmaker turned love coach. She is a TEDx speaker, the host of the Dear Franny podcast, and an internationally recognized expert on dating and relationships. 

You may have seen her on the Today Show, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Harper’s Bazaar, and The Huffington Post. She coaches individuals and groups and is the founder of the True Love Society, a community for women seeking deeper self- and romantic love. 

Fun fact: Prior to her love career, Francesca competed on two seasons of the iconic reality show Survivor.

(4:48) Do the rules work?

Ariel Ford dives into the heart of love by debunking the myth that love is just a feeling. 

She highlights that the butterflies and champagne bubbles we often associate with love are really just nature’s greatest drug—an oxytocin, adrenaline, and dopamine high. 

Real, mature love, she explains, is a behavior, a choice, and an action. It’s about consistently choosing your partner, even on tough days. Ariel emphasizes that understanding this is crucial for anyone navigating the dating world and seeking a lifelong partner.

(6:30) Rules put the focus on the wrong things

Franny gets real about why strict dating rules just don’t work. 

She understands why people crave clear rules to ease the complexities of dating, but she believes these rules often shift focus away from what truly matters. 

“If you are following a lot of ‘rules,’ then you’re more focused on that than you are on making sure that you are showing up with authenticity.” Focus on building a connection based on authenticity and mutual respect.

(11:32) Chart your own path

Damona’s message from F the Fairy Tale is all about empowerment: you get to rewrite the rules for yourself. “You get to chart your own path, and you get to do it together with a partner.” 

She emphasizes the joy and opportunity of creating your own rituals and rules in a relationship. This approach makes connections more personalized and fulfilling, tailored to what works best for both people involved. It’s all about making your own story together and embracing the unique journey that comes with it.

(12:20) Let’s answer some listener questions

• Do soulmates exist?
• What are good options to meet people other than dating apps?
• Someone said to me recently, make your life full. Not everyone finds a partner. I felt hopeless after that, and I wonder if I should accept that or keep trying. In the meantime, I do things that I love. What do you ladies think?

Summer is a fantastic time to meet someone special. In fact, Damona and Mr. Hoffman matched right around the 4th of July, though they didn’t meet in person until the Monday after because Seth’s schedule was “Chock Full O’Barbeques”. Stick around until the end to hear that story…. Bottom line: Damona loves a hot girl summer, and she’s seen summer flings turn into lifelong romances.

But don’t believe the hype that there are only certain times of the year to find love. Sure, there’s peak dating season at the start of the year, spring flings, and cuffing season in the fall. But you can meet your person any time of the year.

Each season has its own energy, and you never know when or where you’ll meet that special someone. 

DEAR DAMONA (1:44)

A listener named Tasha asks:

Damona, love your story!!! I also enjoy your podcast. I realized that the most popular way to meet singles these days is online. I just can’t do it. It just doesn’t work for me. How are people meeting organically in 2024?

12:37 Did You Love the Book??

Speaking of fiction and fantasy, Damona is all about rewriting dating myths and living your own love stories. She literally wrote the book on it: “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story,” available in e-book, audiobook, and hardcover. 

This summer, we’re encouraging you to leave your reviews of “F the Fairy Tale,” no matter where you bought it or what format you enjoyed it in. Damona is eager to hear what parts of the book resonated with you.

Listener T says, “Buy it. It’s a practical, well-thought-out book that restores the feeling of power in personal decision-making for a meaningful relationship. Her Dates & Mates podcast is amazing as well.”

13:48 Summer BBQ Love Story

Damona shares a fun story about meeting her husband around the 4th of July. When she suggested they meet, he said he was “chock full of barbecues.” 

Turns out, he had no plans but didn’t want to seem like a loser. The following year, Damona found herself in the same boat with no invites and realized everyone tells their own stories to avoid looking silly.

15:54 Four Fairy Tale Dating Myths COMING UP!

Coming up next week, we have the start of our summer series where we dissect each of the four Fairy Tale Dating Myths that Damona wrote about in her book “”F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story”

First up, we will have the List Myth!!

Feng Shui is an ancient Chinese practice that uses energy forces to harmonize individuals with their surrounding environment.

Imagine walking into a room that instantly makes you feel at ease, where every element is perfectly placed to promote positive energy flow. That’s the power of Feng Shui.
But it doesn’t stop at your front door. By aligning your environment with the principles of Feng Shui, you can create a ripple effect that enhances your personal well-being, your relationships, and even your love life.

That’s why we have international Feng Shui Master, Inessa Freya, joining us on the Dates & Mates podcast this week. She will share how simple home changes can attract new romantic possibilities, enhance current relationships, and bring harmony and balance. Plus, Damona will tell you why she credits Inessa for being a part of bring Mr. Hoffman into her life.

Plus, we have a surprising Dating Dish – could dating apps be the new healthcare benefit? And our Dear Damona question: how do you stay positive when struggling to find your match?

It’s a little yin, a little yang, and all Dates & Mates!

DATING DISH (2:34)

Are dating apps the new employee benefit? A Forbes article suggests they could boost satisfaction and engagement, citing a study showing singles often face isolation and financial strain. Some companies already offer relationship-related perks, but extending this to other industries is a fresh idea.

Meanwhile, Tokyo’s government is stepping up with its own dating app to address declining birth rates. 

These updates signal that something is definitely broken in the system. We put so much emphasis on the dating apps being the source of the issue, when really the source of the issue is just this disconnect that we have around the idea of human connection. Making the apps a benefit and getting the government involved may not be the solution, but we are glad that people are taking action to remedy the problem.

8:23 Inessa Freya

Inessa Freya, author of “Feng Shui: Change Your Room, Change Your Life,” is an international Feng Shui master and a therapist.

Inessa is the founder of Feng Shui From the Heart and has been the Feng Shui authority at renowned hotels like Canyon Ranch, Mandarin Oriental, and The One Hotel. 

More importantly, she’s a personal friend and Damona’s go-to Feng Shui guru.

10:36 Feng Shui: Magical & Life Transforming

While some might think Feng Shui is a bit woo-woo, in the Eastern world, it’s a way of life.

Feng Shui is all about arranging your space mindfully to align with your goals and intentions. Think of it as turning your room into a 3D vision board that talks to your subconscious, helping you attract what you want in life.

Inessa shares how this practice isn’t just magical—it’s backed by psychological principles. She’s seen firsthand how making thoughtful changes in your home can evoke powerful emotional responses and transform your life, proving that our environment and mental state are deeply connected.

16:10 Inessa’s Nontraditional Love Story

Inessa shared her personal Feng Shui love story. She revealed that before meeting her husband, she made intentional changes to her space, like tossing an old mattress and activating the relationship corners of her home. 

“I set my intention, visualized how I’d feel with my person, and made sure my home reflected that,” she said. This mindful approach, combined with a dating hiatus to clear her energy, led her to meet her husband on a dating app, proving the power of Feng Shui in attracting love.

33:13 It Has to be Intentional

Setting intentions is a crucial part of Feng Shui. It’s about creating a mindful connection between your space and your subconscious. By setting clear intentions, you guide the energy in your environment to support your goals and desires. 

Inessa emphasizes that this process not only aligns your surroundings with your aspirations but also helps clear out old energy, making way for new, positive experiences and relationships.

Catch up with Inessa on Instagram @inessa_freya and learn more about her work by visiting www.fengshuifromtheheart.com.

DEAR DAMONA (41:19)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Email from Anonymous:

I really don’t like how bullish you are about dating apps, but I’m trying to keep a positive mindset. 

Looking at recent trends, the standard guy everyone in NYC wants to date is white. They seem to do the best in person on the dating apps. It’s a sad thought, and I’m not trying to sound incel at all, but my life experiences haven’t shown any evidence against this case. 

For context, I’m a 30-year-old Caribbean-American man living in New York City. I’ve never been in a relationship, and getting someone to go on a date with me is like pulling teeth, as next to no one is interested in me in that way. 

For the bulk of my life, I had to work full time as I had a poor upbringing and paid my way through college. But that didn’t mean I placed dating on the back burner. I tried going out in my younger years, dating, etc. and it just doesn’t work for me. I’ve taken breaks to focus on myself and try again later, only to hit the same wall. 

My friends say I’m a wonderful person, my profile is strong, and I have many qualities that would make me a great partner. They often come to me for advice, yet no one is interested, ultimately leaving me feeling so undateable.

I try in person events and people love my personality but only want to remain friends. I don’t struggle to be myself. I have so many hobbies that I enjoy, but I’m frustrated as I want to date. I crave a partner, but I can’t even get a chance. How can I be positive in this modern dating world as I feel so old?

First dates are gateways to new possibilities, blending excitement and apprehension. 

They offer a unique chance to make a lasting impression, showcase your true self, and gauge compatibility with someone new. More than just an outing, first dates set the stage for potential relationships and define the path of your dating journey. No pressure…right?

Luckily for you, we’ve got dating coach Mat Boggs to guide you through first-date essentials—from spotting red flags to conversation tips and time investment. Mat will help you learn to release that pressure and make the most of your first dates!

But first, let’s dive into a hot topic: has dating culture become selfish? Plus, our Dear Damona question of the week tackles family versus gut instinct in rekindling old flames. 

DATING DISH (1:55)

Is dating culture becoming selfish?? Mashable thinks so!

A recent article says dating culture is becoming selfish, leaving many feeling insecure about finding love.

Frustration often targets dating apps, but the real issue may lie in the behavior of the people using them—rude, dismissive, and sometimes abusive actions are on the rise. This shift is affecting our ability to connect and leaving many of us worried about our dating prospects.

How do we tackle this issue? Damona shares that it starts with rethinking our approach and focuses on creating meaningful connections.

9:44 Mat Boggs

Mat Boggs is a YouTube dating coach and Brave Thinking Institute’s Love and Relationship division founder.

He has appeared on numerous national media outlets, including The Today Show, CNN Headline News, The Style Network, Oprah and Friends, ABC, and more. He’s also the best-selling author of Project Everlasting.

11:16 A Blurry First Date

First-date norms are evolving, leading to confusion about red flags. Damona asked, “How do I know if I need to run away from this person?” 

Mat agrees, suggesting that blurry first dates often stem from unrealistic expectations. He warns against expecting an instant spark or magical connection, which can lead to disappointment.

Instead, Mat recommends approaching first dates with an open mind and realistic expectations. By reframing our mindset, we can better assess compatibility without the pressure of finding “the one” immediately.

14:45 It’s Really Hard to Screw Up the Right Thing

“So often, people go into a first date with the primary goal of getting the other person to like them,” says Mat. 

This pressure to be perfect and seek approval can overshadow our own feelings. Instead, he emphasizes, “It’s really hard to screw up the right thing.” By being yourself and focusing on whether you enjoyed the date enough to want a second one, you shift the dynamic to a more genuine connection.

Mat shares the one simple question that needs to be answered on a first date. 

29:52 Keeping Secrets

What secrets do you not want to share on a first date? Mat emphasizes the importance of leaving a positive impression. 

Focus on stories that reflect personal growth and positivity, carefully avoiding oversharing unresolved issues. Mat says, “It’s about aligning what you share with the outcome you want, suggesting that sensitive topics should be saved for later, once trust is established.

He also suggests setting boundaries early on, recommending a gentle deferral for deeper topics: “If the topic comes up early, it’s okay to say, ‘That’s a great topic, and let’s save it for when we’ve been on a few more dates.'” 

Follow Mat on YouTube @MatBoggs and learn more about his MANifest Your Man Program.

DEAR DAMONA (43:38)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

IG voice memo from Tracy:

Hi, Damona. This is Tracy. I have a question for you. I’m trying to figure out the best way to decline a male friend’s 50th birthday party invite to Cabo San Lucas. I’ve known him since middle school, and we recently reconnected. He was my date for our 30th high school reunion last year. However, in the past few months, he’s been sending mixed signals.

He’ll be really consistent for a while and then nothing. We do live in two different states. However, when we started communicating, he said he was ready to retire and moved to my state to be closer to family. We’ve only seen each other twice over the past year, and although he’s mentioned coming to see me or me coming to visit him, he’s never followed through with those plans. And when I mention my intentions regarding dating and being in a committed relationship, it seems to really push him away. He shared that he just wasn’t ready, and just gave him some time to heal. He said he doesn’t feel like it’s fair for me to have a broken man. He’s been married twice and engaged three times. One wife passed away after they were apart for a few years, but she is the mother of his daughters, and one wife cheated on him. I know he’s been through a lot, and I respect him for his honesty and backed away. However, I still have feelings for him, and I feel like going on this trip will serve feelings that may not be reciprocated.

His daughter did send me the invite. However, we’ve only talked about the trip briefly, and my family has encouraged me to go. My sister and brother-in-law will be going as well. They’re really good friends with him, and they’ve been trying to hook us up for years. It is a family trip, and I know a few of his friends will be there, but I’m not sure if he’ll have a date there. Would it be a wise decision for me to decline? Thanks, Damona!

Learn more about bringing your best self when using dating apps. Listen to Damona’s episode with Dr. Alexandra Solomon: 365 Love Practices & AI Dating Concierge

We all like to think we understand attraction, have a specific type, and know what we want. But in reality, our dating experiences and behaviors have been shaped over a lifetime by the people and ideas around us. We are products of our environments, but the messages we’ve received aren’t always the most helpful in charting our path to happiness and fulfillment.

This week, we have master-certified life coach Kara Loewentheil joining us! She will use an analytical, feminist lens to explore our dating culture and how old stories may be affecting our decisions in love.

Plus, we’ve got a squeaky-clean Dating Dish for you—discover what singles prioritize most in a surprising social experiment. And don’t miss our Dear Damona question: Is there a match-and-no-response loop?

DATING DISH (3:10)

It’s spring cleaning time, not just for your household but for your dating profile, too! NBC News reports that 83% of single online daters plan to refresh their profiles this spring. The big question is, what should you include to attract the right matches?

A recent survey by Whirlpool, revealed that swapping out typical “thirst trap” photos for ones showcasing household care—like doing dishes and folding laundry—led to more connections and relationships.

How many of those men are now in LTRs? The answer may surprise you!

7:06 Kara Loewentheil 

Kara Loewentheil, JD, is a master certified life coach, founder of the School of New Feminist Thought, and host of the podcast Unstuck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone.

Kara is no slouch; she’s a Yale and Harvard Law School graduate who went on to join a think tank at Columbia Law School. She’s also the author of the critically acclaimed book *Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head and How to Get It Out*.

9:10 What is a brain gap?

Kara shares the “brain gap” concept, which illuminates the disparity between our desired thoughts and feelings and our actual ones, especially concerning societal norms around gender roles and romantic connections. 

From early on, we absorb implicit and explicit messages about what’s desirable or worthy, molding our perceptions of ourselves and others. 

In Kara’s words: “So that is the brain gap. Those two different thought patterns really can’t reconcile themselves. We have to intervene to reshape our thinking to bridge them actively.” 

20:11 The romantic socialization traps

You don’t want to fall into any of Kara’s “four traps of romantic socialization.” The traps of romantic socialization contribute to unhealthy dating mindsets, especially for women taught their value hinges on male partnership. 

Kara shares, “Society gives women because it makes women settle for any relationship. ” This scarcity mindset, coupled with ingrained insecurity around being “chosen,” breeds fixation and rumination where “some part of your brain thinks finding a partner is what is going to keep us safe and part of the tribe.”

34:10 What about societal messages?

Are you ready for a deep dive into the impact of societal messages on our beliefs about relationships, gender roles, and self-worth? 

Kara traces the evolution of these narratives, highlighting how media, culture, and institutions shape our perceptions. The romanticization of marriage? Changing the dynamics of gender roles? All covered and more…

37:27 On rewriting the Fairy Tale

Damona asks Kara about her checklist when looking for her life partner, citing the List Myth from her book F the Fairy Tale. 

Despite having a specific checklist and vision for her ideal life partner, Kara fell for someone whose circumstances didn’t match her criteria. 

This allowed her to rewrite her own fairy tale narrative and unexpectedly find fulfillment by prioritizing substance over superficial factors. 

Follow Kara on Instagram @KaraLoewentheil and be sure to grab a copy of her new book, “Take Back Your Brain: How A Sexist Society Gets In Your Head and How To Get It Out.”

43:38 DATING DISH

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

IG Voice Memo from Jack:

Hi Damona, how long should I wait before moving on from a match? After we’ve matched, and exchanged a couple of words and then the kind of ball is in their court for responding to a match. I’ll ask something about their profile. We’ll talk a little bit, exchange a couple of messages on the app, and then they’ll kind of go cold.

So, I’m wondering if you have any recommendations. Do I dive back into those conversations to try to get their attention again? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Maybe, you know, should the first course of action not be to try to talk and just ask them out on a date instead, without trying to warm up to anything? Or should I just move on? Any advice you could give on this would be awesome, and I’d really appreciate it. 

Thanks! Love your show, Jack.

Have you ever caught yourself rehearsing arguments in your mind before they’ve even happened? Or riding an emotional roller coaster day in and day out? Is forgiveness feeling like an uphill battle?

Could it be that you’re addicted to drama? It’s a tough question, but fear not, because our esteemed guest, and new BFF, Doctor Scott Lyons, has the answers. He’s done the legwork, folks, and he’s here to unpack his enlightening book, “Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others.”

But before we dive into that, we’ve got a delectable  Dating Dish for you: HuffPost serves up insights on why we’re prone to trying to fix our partners and what we should do instead. 

And, of course, we can’t overlook our Dear Damona question of the week: “How can I attract more culturally open matches?” 

We don’t know about you, but we’re positively thrilled about this week’s episode! So, without further ado, let’s dive right in and start dishing!

DATING DISH (1:36)

A recent HuffPost article addressed a pressing question: Why Do We Try To ‘Fix’ People In Our Relationships? They kick off with a nod to Taylor Swift’s iconic line, “I Can Fix Him (No, Really I Can).”

But can you? And should you? We’ve all felt that pull to rescue our partners at some point. But why? Maybe it’s the feel-good factor of helping someone out. Or perhaps it’s about grasping a sense of control in a chaotic world. But here’s the kicker: our well-meaning efforts can sometimes do more harm than good. It’s a slippery slope, folks. What starts as noble intent can quickly morph into something unhealthy – hello, codependency

To learn more about codependent relationships, tune into one our favorite past episodes on the topic with Kylie McBeth and Mark Groves: Codependent Patterns & Are We Dating The Same Guy

9:52 Dr. Scott Lyons

Dr. Scott Lyons is a licensed psychologist, educator, and author of the best-selling book “Addicted to Drama Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others”. He is the host of the Gently Used Human Podcast, a delightfully delightful exploration of what it is to be human, and also a renowned body-based trauma expert and mind-body medicine specialist.

13:32 The Drama Lure

We’ve all been there – caught up in the whirlwind of emotional highs and lows that drama brings into our lives. But why are we drawn to drama in the first place? Dr. Scott starts off with a fascinating explanation of the psychological underpinnings of this addiction. He shares that, for some, drama can provide a sense of excitement and intensity that may be lacking in other areas of their lives. It’s a temporary escape that can make us feel alive.

14:14 How Do I Know if I am a Drama Addict?

Of course, Dr. Scott has a quiz to take to see the signs that someone might be addicted to drama in his book “Addicted to Drama Healing Dependency on Crisis and Chaos in Yourself and Others”. He mentioned behaviors such as constantly seeking out conflict, overreacting to minor issues, and thriving on the chaos that drama creates. It was a moment of self-reflection for many of us as we considered whether these patterns resonated with our own experiences.

18:09 Relationship Ripples

Dr. Scott made it clear that an addiction to drama can have profound effects on our relationships: “We’re not looking for relationships. We’re attached to the action of getting there.” He pointed out that when we’re addicted to drama, we often create unnecessary conflict, leading to a cycle of emotional turmoil and instability. This can strain even the strongest of bonds and leave us feeling disconnected from our partners.

39:30 Growth Beyond the Chaos

How do we break free from the grip of drama addiction? Dr. Scott provides practical advice and strategies for reducing drama in our lives. He emphasizes the importance of self-awareness, setting healthy boundaries, and nurturing inner peace. It’s about finding equilibrium and learning to appreciate the tranquility as much as the chaos.

Dr. Scott shares insight into five key milestones for healing from drama addiction. Drawing from the experience of someone who has successfully overcome this addiction, Dr. Scott highlights the shift from using stress as a social adhesive to cultivating a sense of belonging and connection with others without relying on chaos and drama to fulfill that need.

Want to know about Dr. Scott Lyons? Follow him on Instagram @DrScottLyons  and grab your copy of Addicted to Drama: Healing Dependency on Crisis & Chaos In Yourself & Others today!

46:58 Dear Damona

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Text from Angelo:

Hi, Damona. First off, thank you for your wonderful book. I enjoyed reading it and took some very valuable things away. I have a question for you. I’m a very culturally mixed person. I grew up with parents from opposite sides of the globe. I’m finding that in the dating world, I’m often defined by being mixed in communities I’m part of. I’ve gone on first dates where things go well, we keep talking, and right before our scheduled second date, it’s postponed or canceled. And eventually, I get a text saying I’m looking for someone more X or you’re 2XX being one element of my heritage, or even I prefer tall and white. How do I keep attracting those who can’t see past heritage?