Tag Archive for: heal

Dating Solutions: The Goals & Values Pillars

Welcome back to our F the Fairy Tale Summer series, where we’re serving up bite-sized episodes inspired by Damona Hoffman’s new book, “F the Fairy Tale.” 

This week, we shift from busting myths to seeking solutions in dating. We’ve already tackled the four biggest myths that hold singles back: the rules myth, the chemistry myth, and the soulmate myth. If you missed those, be sure to catch up on the last four episodes!

But what good is identifying these myths if we don’t know how to solve them? This week’s mini-episode focuses on the Goals and Values Pillars from Damona’s book. 

We dive deeper into the Goals Pillar and the Values Pillar with three of Damona’s dear longtime friends in the love business: relationship experts Orna and Matthew Walters and Evan MarcKatz. Join us as we revisit one of Damona’s very favorite panels from the F the Fairy Tale Forum last year, and start transforming those myths into actionable steps towards finding true love!

dating and relationship expert damona hoffman's book F the Fairy Tale

The Goals and Values Pillars (1:17) 

The Goals and Values Pillars offer fresh solutions to two of the biggest dating myths. 

The Goals Pillar helps you dodge the list myth by focusing on shared goals rather than superficial qualities. This way, you make sure you’re on the same page with your partner from the get-go, avoiding that dreaded moment when you realize you’re not heading in the same direction.

On the other hand, the Values Pillar is all about breaking free from the rules myth. Those rigid dating rules might feel safe, but they can keep you from truly growing and connecting. 

By letting go of these rules, you can dive into self-inquiry, understand your values on a deeper level, and write your own love story. These pillars guide you toward more fulfilling and authentic relationships, helping you navigate the dating world with confidence.

(3:18) Orna and Matthew Walters

Orna and Matthew Walters  are amazing love coaches, but they do so much more than that. 

They are featured on Bravo’s The Millionaire Matchmaker and have helped transform thousands of singles around the globe. 

They also have a new book coming out in January 2025 through a division of Penguin Random House. It’s called “Getting It Right This Time: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love,” it’s available for pre-order now!

(3:44) Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz is a name well-known in the dating world, especially if you’ve been navigating it for a while. 

He is renowned as the dating coach for smart, successful women. With not one, not two, but four books to his name. Evan has been featured on hundreds of media outlets since 2003. He hosts The Love U podcast and runs a blog launched in 2006, which boasts over 30 million readers today.

Fun fact: Evan is one of Damona’s very first friends in this business. About 13 or 14 years ago, he took a call from Damona when she was considering leaving her TV producing career to become a full-time love coach. 

(5:55) Release the First Date Pressure!

Evan is all about putting values first. Instead of trying to figure out if someone is your soulmate on the first date (because who can do that?), he suggests a more relaxed approach.

Pay attention to your feelings and let people show you who they are over time. You’ll learn a lot about someone in the first month and save yourself from making big mistakes.

Damona points out that it all starts with knowing your own goals and values. So many people come to her saying they’ll “know it when they see it,” but having that clarity from the get-go is super important. It’s all about setting yourself up for success in finding the right partner!

(10:30) What is Your Love Imprint?

Orna and Matthew start by helping clients understand their love imprint—a concept that explores how early childhood experiences shape our attraction patterns.

It is common to be attracted to people who emulate our families because it feels comfortable, normal or safe, but it can lead to repeating unhealthy relationship patterns. 

Orna and Matthew help clients identify and break these subconscious habits. By first understanding themselves, clients can form healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Listener Questions:

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

21:00 Jeannie asks:

 What’s the best site for women over 65?

22:53 Anonymous Listener:

 For women, I feel like the message is often to lower your standards. Meanwhile, men are not improving themselves like we have. And in my area, it feels like a dating dessert. I have likes on my profile, but not anyone I’ve been curious about lately, and I don’t know if it’s connected to the next question. Does that mean that my standards are too high? 

 

The Soulmate Myth & Growth Mindset

You might be surprised to learn that Damona does NOT believe in soulmates. In fact, neither does Mr. Hoffman. They believe that there are many possible matches out there for you, but you choose to make someone your soulmate every day. You choose to keep learning and growing into your relationship.

As we continue our F The Fairy Tale Summer Series, this week’s Dates & Mates minisode will focus on the Soulmate Myth.You’ll hear an excerpt from the book, get answers to a listener question, dive into some dating dish-esque stats, and receive the best relationship advice you’ll hear all week. 

The Soulmate Myth (1:40) 

What’s the soulmate myth? It’s the idea that there’s one perfect person out there for you, and finding them will make you happy forever. If there were a soulmate finder app, it would make millions! 

But here’s the thing—it’s just a myth. Chasing the idea of one perfect match prevents you from committing to a fulfilling relationship and sticking with someone when times get tough.

(2:14) Straight from F the Fairy Tale

Damona shares an excerpt from her book, F the Fairy Tale, on the myth of soulmates: “Pursuing that ideal keeps you constantly in a scarcity mindset.”.

She explains that believing there’s only one perfect match limits your choices and can make you question a great relationship. Instead she urges daters to embrace a growth mindset which will allow them to overcome issues and build strong relationships.

(7:03) It Takes a Mindset Shift 

Damona shares some surprising data about the soulmate myth. Former NASA engineer Randall Munroe found that the probability of meeting your perfect soulmate is once in 10,000 lifetimes. 

“So, if the odds aren’t in our favor, it’s imperative that singles shift from the soulmate myth mindset.” Instead, focus on long-term compatibility. 

Based on years of coaching, Damona emphasizes that common goals and shared values are the true markers of a successful relationship.

Listener Questions

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

(4:24) I feel like my ex was my soulmate. I’ve been dating on the app since we broke up, and I’m starting to worry that I’ll never feel that way again.

(8:28 ) Do soulmates exist? I used to believe in Twin Flames, but now, 20 years in with a family, mine is no longer interested in me and I’m trying to separate.

 

The Chemistry Myth & Sleeping Together

What if chemistry is just a myth? Damona is here to challenge everything you thought you knew about those initial sparks.

In this solo minisode, we dive into The Chemistry Myth. We start with an excerpt from Damona’s book, F the Fairy Tale, and follow up with top tips and takeaways on understanding chemistry in relationships. 

Plus she answers this sizzling Dear Damona question: “How fast is too fast to have sex with a new person?” 

So, grab your favorite beverage, get comfy, and join us for an episode filled with insights and revelations.

The Chemistry Myth (0:58) 

The Chemistry Myth is the belief that you need to feel immediate, romantic sparks for a long-term relationship to develop. 

True relationship success starts with slow love. When we try to shortcut the road to a relationship by steering around red flags, we miss the true markers of relationship success and then we second guess our dating and relationship choices. 

(1:33)  When are the Flutters Not Butterflies?

The Chemistry Myth touches a lot of lives! RomComs and romance novels spread the myth of chasing butterflies! But what if you don’t really understand what they mean? 

Damona shares an excerpt from the book about how the Chemistry Myth has affected her own dating life.

(3:51) Butterflies May Be a Window to the Past

You may think that the “chemistry” you feel points to the future, but it often reflects our past. 

True connection and compatibility develop over time, which is why Damona advocates for slow love in her book F the Fairy Tale, and pretty much everywhere!

By ditching the List Myth and the Rules Myth, you can truly see who someone is and how they align with your deeper goals and values. 

Dear Damona (6:02)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Question from Miss. M:

Dear Damona, if slow love’s the only way to go, which for me, I definitely don’t want first, second, or even third date sex, then what’s considered too fast or too slow? I’m happy to report I’m dating a guy who has aligned values, is a good open communicator, and makes me feel amazing and heard. Here’s our timeline. Met for a 1.5-hour coffee a week after app chatting. After the second-date dinner, he asked for consent to kiss me good night. Third date dinner, kissed a little more good night in the car.

Fourth date hung out at his place, and he politely asked how far I would like to go making out, we kept it PG. Date number five: dinner again, invited him to my place, and had sex. I realized this morning it’s only been three weeks since we matched, both feeling excited about each other and have date six planned for tomorrow. Do you think sex within three weeks is considered slow love?

The Rules Myth & Meaningful Connections

This week, we have the next fantastic episode of “F the Fairytale” Summer series, where we are doing bite-sized episodes inspired by the themes of Damona’s book, “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story.” 

Dating has changed drastically since Damona wrote her first dating profile for someone else about 18 years ago, but one thing has remained the same: everyone wants a dating hack, a shortcut, a system, something to make this yellow brick road run a little faster.

You all know dating takes time, and a successful relationship starts with slow love. So in reality, those quick dating fixes might actually be setting you back in your search for fulfilling connections. 

That’s why we are diving into The Rules Myth this week on the Dates & Mates podcast as we revisit one of Damona’s favorite panels from the F the Fairy Tale forum with love and relationship experts  Arielle Ford & Francesca Hogi! 

THE RULES MYTH (1:05)

The Rules Myth governs those who see dating as a game to be won, leading to a tactical and often robotic approach to meeting people. 

This mindset drives the popularity of books like “The Rules” and “The Game” and fuels the hunger for dating hacks on social media. But just because swipe apps gamify dating doesn’t mean you have to play by their rules. You control your love story.

(2:30) Arielle Ford

Arielle is a celebrated love and relationship expert, author, and speaker, and she is the co-creator and host of Evolving Wisdom’s Art of Love series. 

Before that, she spent years as a book publicist and was instrumental in launching the careers of many New York Times best-selling self-help authors, including Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield, Don Miguel Ruiz, and Debbie Ford.

Ariel is the author of 11 books, including the international bestseller “The Soulmate Secret: Manifest The Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction”. It’s published in 21 languages and 40 countries.

(3:16) Francesca Hogi

Francesca is a former corporate lawyer turned matchmaker turned love coach. She is a TEDx speaker, the host of the Dear Franny podcast, and an internationally recognized expert on dating and relationships. 

You may have seen her on the Today Show, Marie Claire, The New York Times, Harper’s Bazaar, and The Huffington Post. She coaches individuals and groups and is the founder of the True Love Society, a community for women seeking deeper self- and romantic love. 

Fun fact: Prior to her love career, Francesca competed on two seasons of the iconic reality show Survivor.

(4:48) Do the rules work?

Ariel Ford dives into the heart of love by debunking the myth that love is just a feeling. 

She highlights that the butterflies and champagne bubbles we often associate with love are really just nature’s greatest drug—an oxytocin, adrenaline, and dopamine high. 

Real, mature love, she explains, is a behavior, a choice, and an action. It’s about consistently choosing your partner, even on tough days. Ariel emphasizes that understanding this is crucial for anyone navigating the dating world and seeking a lifelong partner.

(6:30) Rules put the focus on the wrong things

Franny gets real about why strict dating rules just don’t work. 

She understands why people crave clear rules to ease the complexities of dating, but she believes these rules often shift focus away from what truly matters. 

“If you are following a lot of ‘rules,’ then you’re more focused on that than you are on making sure that you are showing up with authenticity.” Focus on building a connection based on authenticity and mutual respect.

(11:32) Chart your own path

Damona’s message from F the Fairy Tale is all about empowerment: you get to rewrite the rules for yourself. “You get to chart your own path, and you get to do it together with a partner.” 

She emphasizes the joy and opportunity of creating your own rituals and rules in a relationship. This approach makes connections more personalized and fulfilling, tailored to what works best for both people involved. It’s all about making your own story together and embracing the unique journey that comes with it.

(12:20) Let’s answer some listener questions

  • Do soulmates exist?
  • What are good options to meet people other than dating apps?
  • Someone said to me recently, make your life full. Not everyone finds a partner. I felt hopeless after that, and I wonder if I should accept that or keep trying. In the meantime, I do things that I love. What do you ladies think?

The List Myth & Dating Math

Welcome back to our F the Fairy Tale Summer series with bite-sized episodes inspired by the themes of Damona’s book, “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story.” 

F the Fairy Tale is structured around the four phases of dating that Damona has taught over the last 17-plus years, identifying which myths seem to govern each phase. 

In our F the Fairy Tale Summer series, we’ll cover all of those myths and their fixes, revealing the pillars that are the antidotes to dating frustrations.  

Today, we’re tackling the first myth: The List Myth. This myth is insidious and oh-so-unsatisfying in dating

(1:18) The Longer the List, the More Limiting it is 

Crafting an exhaustive list of criteria for potential partners can create unrealistic expectations and distance you from making meaningful choices. 

A long list offers an escape hatch, preventing vulnerability while also creating a feeling of discouragement when no one meets every criterion. While having some criteria is necessary, too many can turn dating into a frustrating minefield.

(2:33) Get Laser Focused

To break free from the list myth, Damona wants you to get laser-focused on the most important qualities in a partner. 

Narrow your list to three must-haves and one deal breaker to clarify what truly matters to you. This approach helps you make more mindful and meaningful choices in your dating journey.

(2:56) Micro-Choices Add Up Fast

Damona shares “There always comes a point when I have to engage in dating math with clients. As they build their lists, I compute how each selection erodes their dating pool.”

For example, many women want a partner over six feet tall, but only 14.5% of men meet this. Adding criteria like a master’s degree, specific location, race, and income, further limits options. This compounding effect can leave very few potential matches.

(3:58) Damona’s Hot Take

Everyone has something on their list that limits them. 

It’s crucial to ask why those items are there and consider how you want to feel in a relationship. You can check all the boxes and still feel it’s not right. But “if you can drop into the feeling of what it will be like to be in a relationship with this person, you will always know when that feeling is repeated.”

Join Our Book Squad

Follow along with the book “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story,” available on Amazon and anywhere books are sold!

Have you already read the “F the Fairy Tale”? We invite you to join the Book Squad! If you review “F The Fairy Tale” and submit it at DamonaHoffman.com/booksquad before July 31st, you’ll be invited to an exclusive Q&A session with Damona!

See you next week when we will dive into the Rules Myth!

Summer Love & Dating IRL

 

Summer is a fantastic time to meet someone special. In fact, Damona and Mr. Hoffman matched right around the 4th of July, though they didn’t meet in person until the Monday after because Seth’s schedule was “Chock Full O’Barbeques”. Stick around until the end to hear that story…. Bottom line: Damona loves a hot girl summer, and she’s seen summer flings turn into lifelong romances.

But don’t believe the hype that there are only certain times of the year to find love. Sure, there’s peak dating season at the start of the year, spring flings, and cuffing season in the fall. But you can meet your person any time of the year.

Each season has its own energy, and you never know when or where you’ll meet that special someone. 

DEAR DAMONA (1:44)

A listener named Tasha asks:

Damona, love your story!!! I also enjoy your podcast. I realized that the most popular way to meet singles these days is online. I just can’t do it. It just doesn’t work for me. How are people meeting organically in 2024?

12:37 Did You Love the Book??

Speaking of fiction and fantasy, Damona is all about rewriting dating myths and living your own love stories. She literally wrote the book on it: “F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story,” available in e-book, audiobook, and hardcover. 

This summer, we’re encouraging you to leave your reviews of “F the Fairy Tale,” no matter where you bought it or what format you enjoyed it in. Damona is eager to hear what parts of the book resonated with you.

Listener T says, “Buy it. It’s a practical, well-thought-out book that restores the feeling of power in personal decision-making for a meaningful relationship. Her Dates & Mates podcast is amazing as well.”

13:48 Summer BBQ Love Story

Damona shares a fun story about meeting her husband around the 4th of July. When she suggested they meet, he said he was “chock full of barbecues.” 

Turns out, he had no plans but didn’t want to seem like a loser. The following year, Damona found herself in the same boat with no invites and realized everyone tells their own stories to avoid looking silly.

15:54 Four Fairy Tale Dating Myths COMING UP!

Coming up next week, we have the start of our summer series where we dissect each of the four Fairy Tale Dating Myths that Damona wrote about in her book “”F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story”

First up, we will have the List Myth!!

Jillian On Love & Finding The One

Welcome to the grand finale of Dates & Mates Season 11!

Don’t worry, we aren’t going anywhere!! We have our summer series of bite-sized episodes that are perfect for your travels. Then get ready for Season 12 in mid-August!

This week, we’ve got the incredible Jillian Turecki joining us – she’s a certified relationship coach, host of the Jillian On Love podcast, and she knows her stuff. 

We dive deep into this fantasy of “the one” in this episode.  You know what we’re talking about, right? That perfect person who’s supposed to complete us and solve all our problems? Yeah, that one. 

Damona and Jillian explore why this idea is so captivating and, more importantly, how it might actually mask some deeper needs for personal growth. 

Before we dive in, let’s enjoy an old but treasured segment, the Romance Rollback, where we share ten surprising facts about the evolution of dating. Then, in this week’s Dear Damona segment, we tackle a tricky situation: “My dates keep ditching me for my brother. What can I do?” 

ROMANCE ROLL BACK (3:39)

We came across an article in Mental Floss that shares ten fascinating facts about the evolution of dating and courtship.

For example, the term “date” was first used in 1896, the practice of dating has shifted from family-supervised courtship to public outings, and consumerism has greatly influenced dating norms. 

Understanding this history helps us navigate our dating journeys with grace, empowering us to design our own love stories.

13:54 Jillian Turecki

Jillian Turecki is a teacher, writer, speaker, and certified relationship coach with over 20 years of experience. 

She’s the founder of Jillian Turecki Coaching and hosts the podcast Jillian on Love. She creates some of the best content on Instagram and TikTok for her over 2 million followers.

15:20 The Myth of “The One”

Jillian talks about the myth of “the one,” which suggests there is a match out in the world who will solve all of your problems. She explains that this longing for “the one” is really about seeking completeness and wholeness. 

In this discussion, we are reminded that true fulfillment comes from within. A good relationship can enhance our lives but won’t fix everything. 

23:25 Why Are You Still Single?

Inessa shared her personal Feng Shui love story. She revealed that before meeting her husband, she made intentional changes to her space, like tossing an old mattress and activating the relationship corners of her home. 

“I set my intention, visualized how I’d feel with my person, and made sure my home reflected that,” she said. This mindful approach, combined with a dating hiatus to clear her energy, led her to meet her husband on a dating app, proving the power of Feng Shui in attracting love.

35:48 Jillian is On a Mission

Damona lights up when Jillian shares her mission to help people build fulfilling relationships, starting with self-love. 

Jillian is passionate about empowering young girls to prioritize their own dreams and independence rather than just finding a partner. 

She emphasizes that good relationships are crucial for health, but the key decisions are who we choose to be with and how we show up in those relationships.

40:28 Let’s Make Dating Safer for Women

Jillian reminds singles that they’re talking to a stranger when messaging on a dating app.

Unlike meeting someone through mutual friends, there’s no inherent accountability. Jillian advises, “Stop getting into a texting affair with a stranger.” Your time is valuable, so avoid lengthy texting with someone who might not even show up. 

Men should prioritize making women feel comfortable on dates. Impressing your date isn’t about grand gestures but about ensuring she feels safe and respected.

Follow her on Instagram @JillianTurecki and you can become of member of Jillian’s relationship school by visiting JillianTurecki.com/membership

DEAR DAMONA (51:34)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Text from an Anonymous Listener:

Dear Damona, My brother is impossibly good-looking, as is the celebrity level of good-looking. His friends tell him, strangers tell him. My whole extended family loves telling him. He and I are close in age, and we have the same dating pool. I haven’t worried about it in the past, but I’ve noticed a pattern.

I’ve been thankful and lucky to find some success in dating recently. All my dates have gone fantastically great. Depth of conversation, laughter. Communication, smile, eye contact, casual touch:  It’s been wonderful. But the instant my dates learn about my brother, it’s been game over.

All of a sudden, it stops. I either get ghosted, or if I’m lucky, I get an honest text. And look, I get it. My brother’s a bad boy type. He looks awesome. He’s a talented artist, destined to fame. But what do I do? I love the way I am, the way I look, the things I love. But when somebody sees my brother. So far, my dates have stopped dating me. Am I choosing wrong? Am I attracting the wrong type? Help?

Feng Shui Love & Dating Burnout Breakthrough

Feng Shui is an ancient Chinese practice that uses energy forces to harmonize individuals with their surrounding environment.

Imagine walking into a room that instantly makes you feel at ease, where every element is perfectly placed to promote positive energy flow. That’s the power of Feng Shui.
But it doesn’t stop at your front door. By aligning your environment with the principles of Feng Shui, you can create a ripple effect that enhances your personal well-being, your relationships, and even your love life.

That’s why we have international Feng Shui Master, Inessa Freya, joining us on the Dates & Mates podcast this week. She will share how simple home changes can attract new romantic possibilities, enhance current relationships, and bring harmony and balance. Plus, Damona will tell you why she credits Inessa for being a part of bring Mr. Hoffman into her life.

Plus, we have a surprising Dating Dish – could dating apps be the new healthcare benefit? And our Dear Damona question: how do you stay positive when struggling to find your match?

It’s a little yin, a little yang, and all Dates & Mates!

DATING DISH (2:34)

Are dating apps the new employee benefit? A Forbes article suggests they could boost satisfaction and engagement, citing a study showing singles often face isolation and financial strain. Some companies already offer relationship-related perks, but extending this to other industries is a fresh idea.

Meanwhile, Tokyo’s government is stepping up with its own dating app to address declining birth rates. 

These updates signal that something is definitely broken in the system. We put so much emphasis on the dating apps being the source of the issue, when really the source of the issue is just this disconnect that we have around the idea of human connection. Making the apps a benefit and getting the government involved may not be the solution, but we are glad that people are taking action to remedy the problem.

8:23 Inessa Freya

Inessa Freya, author of “Feng Shui: Change Your Room, Change Your Life,” is an international Feng Shui master and a therapist.

Inessa is the founder of Feng Shui From the Heart and has been the Feng Shui authority at renowned hotels like Canyon Ranch, Mandarin Oriental, and The One Hotel. 

More importantly, she’s a personal friend and Damona’s go-to Feng Shui guru.

10:36 Feng Shui: Magical & Life Transforming

While some might think Feng Shui is a bit woo-woo, in the Eastern world, it’s a way of life.

Feng Shui is all about arranging your space mindfully to align with your goals and intentions. Think of it as turning your room into a 3D vision board that talks to your subconscious, helping you attract what you want in life.

Inessa shares how this practice isn’t just magical—it’s backed by psychological principles. She’s seen firsthand how making thoughtful changes in your home can evoke powerful emotional responses and transform your life, proving that our environment and mental state are deeply connected.

16:10 Inessa’s Nontraditional Love Story

Inessa shared her personal Feng Shui love story. She revealed that before meeting her husband, she made intentional changes to her space, like tossing an old mattress and activating the relationship corners of her home. 

“I set my intention, visualized how I’d feel with my person, and made sure my home reflected that,” she said. This mindful approach, combined with a dating hiatus to clear her energy, led her to meet her husband on a dating app, proving the power of Feng Shui in attracting love.

33:13 It Has to be Intentional

Setting intentions is a crucial part of Feng Shui. It’s about creating a mindful connection between your space and your subconscious. By setting clear intentions, you guide the energy in your environment to support your goals and desires. 

Inessa emphasizes that this process not only aligns your surroundings with your aspirations but also helps clear out old energy, making way for new, positive experiences and relationships.

Catch up with Inessa on Instagram @inessa_freya and learn more about her work by visiting www.fengshuifromtheheart.com.

DEAR DAMONA (41:19)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Email from Anonymous:

I really don’t like how bullish you are about dating apps, but I’m trying to keep a positive mindset. 

Looking at recent trends, the standard guy everyone in NYC wants to date is white. They seem to do the best in person on the dating apps. It’s a sad thought, and I’m not trying to sound incel at all, but my life experiences haven’t shown any evidence against this case. 

For context, I’m a 30-year-old Caribbean-American man living in New York City. I’ve never been in a relationship, and getting someone to go on a date with me is like pulling teeth, as next to no one is interested in me in that way. 

For the bulk of my life, I had to work full time as I had a poor upbringing and paid my way through college. But that didn’t mean I placed dating on the back burner. I tried going out in my younger years, dating, etc. and it just doesn’t work for me. I’ve taken breaks to focus on myself and try again later, only to hit the same wall. 

My friends say I’m a wonderful person, my profile is strong, and I have many qualities that would make me a great partner. They often come to me for advice, yet no one is interested, ultimately leaving me feeling so undateable.

I try in person events and people love my personality but only want to remain friends. I don’t struggle to be myself. I have so many hobbies that I enjoy, but I’m frustrated as I want to date. I crave a partner, but I can’t even get a chance. How can I be positive in this modern dating world as I feel so old?

 

Main Character Energy & Moving Too Fast

Are you bringing “Main-Character Energy” to your dating life? A thriving dating life doesn’t just boost your joy; it lays the groundwork for lasting, meaningful relationships. 

While we know it takes intentionality, many of you have asked about the steps in between. That’s why we have Lily Womble, host of the Date Brazen podcast, here today to share insights from her new book, “Thank You, More Please.” She’s on a mission to help singles navigate the dating world with eyes wide open and a little main-character energy. Plus, she will share when it’s time for a dating detox. 

But first, we have the Dating Dish, which features Tinder’s new Green Flags Study on Dating Assumptions. Our Dear Damona question this week is: How fast is too fast when dating a new match? Let’s keep it positive as we kick off with the dish!

DATING DISH (1:36)

Tinder released a New Green Flags Study that uncovers some surprising dating truths.

Turns out, men and women actually want the same things in relationships more often than we thought. One surprising fact that the study highlights is that many women believe most men are seeking casual flings, but the reality is quite different. 

Do we need to rethink our assumptions about gender roles in dating? Maybe! By focusing on genuine connections instead of outdated stereotypes, we can navigate the dating world more effectively and spot those all-important green flags.

 

12:23 Lily Womble

After moving to NYC in 2015 and starting as a matchmaker, Lily Womble quickly became a top matchmaker, setting up 399 dates. 

In 2018, Lily founded Date Brazen, her dating coaching company, helping hundreds of women create joyful, resilient love lives with her intersectional feminist approach. 

Today she also hosts the Date Brazen podcast and has just released her debut book, “Thank You More, Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love.”

14:00 Are Dating Apps a Scam?

Lily went viral in June 2022 with her TikTok video, “Dating Apps Are a Scam,” which sparked the creation of her book, “Thank You More, Please.”

As a former top matchmaker, Lily saw the emotional toll dating apps can take on users. She highlights how these apps are designed like games, which can lead to mindless swiping without intention.

Lily encourages us to approach dating apps with a clear plan and boundaries. By using them thoughtfully, we can protect our mental health and focus on building genuine connections.

22:10 Date with Main Character Energy

Lily shares how to date with “main character energy,” breaking it down into three key skills: permission, self-trust, and massive, messy action. 

She explains, “Permission is a powerful tool to reclaim your agency.” By giving yourself permission to be imperfect, trusting what you want, and taking bold actions—even if they’re messy—you can transform your dating life.

Main character energy isn’t just for a select few; anyone can develop it. Embrace these steps to attract the right people and become unstoppable in your dating journey.

42:25 Do You Need A Dating Detox?

Damona and Lily explore the idea of a dating detox, which involves taking a break from active dating, avoiding bad dating advice, and addressing dating worries.

Lily emphasizes the benefits of a 30-day intentional pause to reset your mindset and calm your nerves. By detoxing from unhelpful advice and reframing negative thoughts, you can approach dating with a clearer, healthier perspective.

It’s all about being intentional and mindful to improve your overall dating experience.

Catch up with Lily on Instagram @DateBrazen and grab your copy of “Thank You, More Please: A Feminist Guide to Breaking Dumb Dating Rules and Finding Love” today!

DEAR DAMONA (50:23)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

IG message from Megan:

I met someone and we really like each other to the point of talking about being exclusive. We’ve only known each other for about 20 days, had eight dates. Everyone says this is fast. What are your thoughts? It feels a bit fast, but I’m also not concerned about it, and I’m excited to see where this goes.

First Dates & Old Flames

First dates are gateways to new possibilities, blending excitement and apprehension. 

They offer a unique chance to make a lasting impression, showcase your true self, and gauge compatibility with someone new. More than just an outing, first dates set the stage for potential relationships and define the path of your dating journey. No pressure…right?

Luckily for you, we’ve got dating coach Mat Boggs to guide you through first-date essentials—from spotting red flags to conversation tips and time investment. Mat will help you learn to release that pressure and make the most of your first dates!

But first, let’s dive into a hot topic: has dating culture become selfish? Plus, our Dear Damona question of the week tackles family versus gut instinct in rekindling old flames. 

DATING DISH (1:55)

Is dating culture becoming selfish?? Mashable thinks so!

A recent article says dating culture is becoming selfish, leaving many feeling insecure about finding love.

Frustration often targets dating apps, but the real issue may lie in the behavior of the people using them—rude, dismissive, and sometimes abusive actions are on the rise. This shift is affecting our ability to connect and leaving many of us worried about our dating prospects.

How do we tackle this issue? Damona shares that it starts with rethinking our approach and focuses on creating meaningful connections.

9:44 Mat Boggs

Mat Boggs is a YouTube dating coach and Brave Thinking Institute’s Love and Relationship division founder.

He has appeared on numerous national media outlets, including The Today Show, CNN Headline News, The Style Network, Oprah and Friends, ABC, and more. He’s also the best-selling author of Project Everlasting.

11:16 A Blurry First Date

First-date norms are evolving, leading to confusion about red flags. Damona asked, “How do I know if I need to run away from this person?” 

Mat agrees, suggesting that blurry first dates often stem from unrealistic expectations. He warns against expecting an instant spark or magical connection, which can lead to disappointment.

Instead, Mat recommends approaching first dates with an open mind and realistic expectations. By reframing our mindset, we can better assess compatibility without the pressure of finding “the one” immediately.

14:45 It’s Really Hard to Screw Up the Right Thing

“So often, people go into a first date with the primary goal of getting the other person to like them,” says Mat. 

This pressure to be perfect and seek approval can overshadow our own feelings. Instead, he emphasizes, “It’s really hard to screw up the right thing.” By being yourself and focusing on whether you enjoyed the date enough to want a second one, you shift the dynamic to a more genuine connection.

Mat shares the one simple question that needs to be answered on a first date. 

29:52 Keeping Secrets

What secrets do you not want to share on a first date? Mat emphasizes the importance of leaving a positive impression. 

Focus on stories that reflect personal growth and positivity, carefully avoiding oversharing unresolved issues. Mat says, “It’s about aligning what you share with the outcome you want, suggesting that sensitive topics should be saved for later, once trust is established.

He also suggests setting boundaries early on, recommending a gentle deferral for deeper topics: “If the topic comes up early, it’s okay to say, ‘That’s a great topic, and let’s save it for when we’ve been on a few more dates.'” 

Follow Mat on YouTube @MatBoggs and learn more about his MANifest Your Man Program.

DEAR DAMONA (43:38)

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

IG voice memo from Tracy:

Hi, Damona. This is Tracy. I have a question for you. I’m trying to figure out the best way to decline a male friend’s 50th birthday party invite to Cabo San Lucas. I’ve known him since middle school, and we recently reconnected. He was my date for our 30th high school reunion last year. However, in the past few months, he’s been sending mixed signals.

He’ll be really consistent for a while and then nothing. We do live in two different states. However, when we started communicating, he said he was ready to retire and moved to my state to be closer to family. We’ve only seen each other twice over the past year, and although he’s mentioned coming to see me or me coming to visit him, he’s never followed through with those plans. And when I mention my intentions regarding dating and being in a committed relationship, it seems to really push him away. He shared that he just wasn’t ready, and just gave him some time to heal. He said he doesn’t feel like it’s fair for me to have a broken man. He’s been married twice and engaged three times. One wife passed away after they were apart for a few years, but she is the mother of his daughters, and one wife cheated on him. I know he’s been through a lot, and I respect him for his honesty and backed away. However, I still have feelings for him, and I feel like going on this trip will serve feelings that may not be reciprocated.

His daughter did send me the invite. However, we’ve only talked about the trip briefly, and my family has encouraged me to go. My sister and brother-in-law will be going as well. They’re really good friends with him, and they’ve been trying to hook us up for years. It is a family trip, and I know a few of his friends will be there, but I’m not sure if he’ll have a date there. Would it be a wise decision for me to decline? Thanks, Damona!

 

Learn more about bringing your best self when using dating apps. Listen to Damona’s episode with Dr. Alexandra Solomon: 365 Love Practices & AI Dating Concierge

365 Love Practices & AI Dating Concierge

Why do we treat love as a one-time-only adventure?

We often associate love with grand gestures and monumental moments, but those only scratch the surface of what love truly entails. Love is not a one-time event; it’s a continuous journey requiring dedication, effort, and practice.

Daily love isn’t always easy—life’s challenges can distract us and fear can hold us back. That’s why I’ve brought in Dr. Alexandra Solomon, whose new book, “Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship Heal, Grow, and Thrive”, helps develop a daily love practice.

Plus, we have a futuristic dating dish: Could an AI dating concierge fix your dating life? And our Dear Damona question this week: Is it a red flag if my match doesn’t ask me any questions about myself? Let’s dive in!

DATING DISH (3:40)

Get ready for a heated debate!

NBC News claims AI personas are the future of dating, but Bumble’s founder Whitney Wolfe Herd isn’t fully convinced. We’re diving into this buzzy and controversial topic.

Could AI dating concierges that pre-screen matches be the answer to relentless texting and unfulfilling first dates? Or is the idea of robots handling your romantic life a step too far?

11:19 Dr. Alexandra Solomon 

Dr. Alexandra Solomon, PhD, is a couples therapist, speaker, and professor at Damona’s alma mater, Northwestern University.

She’s the host of the Reimagining Love podcast and the author of two books, “Taking Sexy Back” and “Loving Bravely”. And now her newest book, “Love Every Day 365 Relational Self-awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship heal, grow, and Thrive” is on shelves now.

13:10 Love as a Daily Practice

Shattering the fairy tale myth of effortless love, Dr. Alexandra said “I really like this framing of love every day being okay, so what am I going to do? Because I have the power to shape the dynamic between myself and my partner.”

She’s dropped major truth bombs about making love an ongoing daily practice through small, intentional actions.

15:30 You Have to Shake the Snow globe in Relationships

When you find yourself falling for someone new, brace yourself – your emotional baggage is about to get shaken up like a snow globe!

Dr. Alexandra Solomon has an enlightening take on how diving into a romantic partnership can inadvertently kick up repressed feelings and patterns, even ones you thought you’d worked through. Instead of feeling ashamed, she reframes this as an opportunity for powerful self-discovery alongside your partner.

24:13 Is There a Ghost in the Room?

When triggered by your partner, do you feel the “ghost in the room” – that fear of becoming someone you don’t want to be, like your rageful father or doormat mother?

Dr. Alexandra said to shine a light on these knee-jerk reactions from past wounds. Recognizing these “ghosts” allows you to consciously navigate conflicts alongside your partner rather than just reacting defensively. She shared a powerful exercise to help you reframe your thinking.

Follow Dr. Alexandra on Instagram @Dr.Alexandra.Solomon and grab a copy of her new book, “Love Every Day: 365 Relational Self-Awareness Practices to Help Your Relationship heal, Grow and Thrive”

48:24 DEAR DAMONA

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

Question from Debbie:

Hi Damona. My name is Debbie. I’m new to dating apps. I find when I reach out to a match and ask a question, he will respond—the majority of the time. My match doesn’t ask a question about me and return. Is this a lack of interest? Thank you.

Take Back Your Brain & The Texting Trap

We all like to think we understand attraction, have a specific type, and know what we want. But in reality, our dating experiences and behaviors have been shaped over a lifetime by the people and ideas around us. We are products of our environments, but the messages we’ve received aren’t always the most helpful in charting our path to happiness and fulfillment.

This week, we have master-certified life coach Kara Loewentheil joining us! She will use an analytical, feminist lens to explore our dating culture and how old stories may be affecting our decisions in love.

Plus, we’ve got a squeaky-clean Dating Dish for you—discover what singles prioritize most in a surprising social experiment. And don’t miss our Dear Damona question: Is there a match-and-no-response loop?

DATING DISH (3:10)

It’s spring cleaning time, not just for your household but for your dating profile, too! NBC News reports that 83% of single online daters plan to refresh their profiles this spring. The big question is, what should you include to attract the right matches?

A recent survey by Whirlpool, revealed that swapping out typical “thirst trap” photos for ones showcasing household care—like doing dishes and folding laundry—led to more connections and relationships.

How many of those men are now in LTRs? The answer may surprise you!

7:06 Kara Loewentheil 

Kara Loewentheil, JD, is a master certified life coach, founder of the School of New Feminist Thought, and host of the podcast Unstuck Your Brain: Feminist Self-Help for Everyone.

Kara is no slouch; she’s a Yale and Harvard Law School graduate who went on to join a think tank at Columbia Law School. She’s also the author of the critically acclaimed book *Take Back Your Brain: How a Sexist Society Gets in Your Head and How to Get It Out*.

Kara Loewentheil joins Damona Hoffman on Dates & Mates podcast

9:10 What is a brain gap?

Kara shares the “brain gap” concept, which illuminates the disparity between our desired thoughts and feelings and our actual ones, especially concerning societal norms around gender roles and romantic connections. 

From early on, we absorb implicit and explicit messages about what’s desirable or worthy, molding our perceptions of ourselves and others. 

In Kara’s words: “So that is the brain gap. Those two different thought patterns really can’t reconcile themselves. We have to intervene to reshape our thinking to bridge them actively.” 

20:11 The romantic socialization traps

You don’t want to fall into any of Kara’s “four traps of romantic socialization.” The traps of romantic socialization contribute to unhealthy dating mindsets, especially for women taught their value hinges on male partnership. 

Kara shares, “Society gives women because it makes women settle for any relationship. ” This scarcity mindset, coupled with ingrained insecurity around being “chosen,” breeds fixation and rumination where “some part of your brain thinks finding a partner is what is going to keep us safe and part of the tribe.”

34:10 What about societal messages?

Are you ready for a deep dive into the impact of societal messages on our beliefs about relationships, gender roles, and self-worth? 

Kara traces the evolution of these narratives, highlighting how media, culture, and institutions shape our perceptions. The romanticization of marriage? Changing the dynamics of gender roles? All covered and more…

37:27 On rewriting the Fairy Tale

Damona asks Kara about her checklist when looking for her life partner, citing the List Myth from her book F the Fairy Tale. 

Despite having a specific checklist and vision for her ideal life partner, Kara fell for someone whose circumstances didn’t match her criteria. 

This allowed her to rewrite her own fairy tale narrative and unexpectedly find fulfillment by prioritizing substance over superficial factors. 

Follow Kara on Instagram @KaraLoewentheil and be sure to grab a copy of her new book, “Take Back Your Brain: How A Sexist Society Gets In Your Head and How To Get It Out.”

43:38 DATING DISH

Submit your questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, X, TikTok, or Facebook, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!

IG Voice Memo from Jack:

Hi Damona, how long should I wait before moving on from a match? After we’ve matched, and exchanged a couple of words and then the kind of ball is in their court for responding to a match. I’ll ask something about their profile. We’ll talk a little bit, exchange a couple of messages on the app, and then they’ll kind of go cold.

So, I’m wondering if you have any recommendations. Do I dive back into those conversations to try to get their attention again? Is there something I’m doing wrong? Maybe, you know, should the first course of action not be to try to talk and just ask them out on a date instead, without trying to warm up to anything? Or should I just move on? Any advice you could give on this would be awesome, and I’d really appreciate it. 

Thanks! Love your show, Jack.