BLENDED FAMILIES ARE THE WAVE
On today’s episode, we’re talking all about blended families, tradition, and the holidays.
We like to keep you up to date and aware of what’s trending here at Dates & Mates. And no surprise but here in the US and worldwide, blended families are becoming more popular – whether that be blended races, blended cultures, blended religions, or two families joined through re-marriage.
So if you’re dating, in a new relationship, or are re-married, you will likely at some point find a point in your life where you are looking to blend your family traditions with your significant other. Blended families are becoming more and more prominent and we want to keep you informed!
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (3:00)
Should we ban Plantation-style weddings?
You may know that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively’s 2012 wedding pictures have been “shadow-banned” because they took place at Boone Hall Plantation in Charleston. Is it time to ban plantation-style weddings once and for all? Damona and Carmelia weigh in.
Are you a Fleabag?
If you’ve seen the show “Fleabag” on Amazon Prime (WATCH IT!! IT’S GREAT!) you know that “fleabagging” is making lots of really, really bad dating decisions over and over and over again.
What emoji should you use in your Tinder Profile?
Tinder’s EOY breakdown of Tinder profiles is here! Which emoji should you be using on your profile? hint:
BLENDED FAMILIES (15:24)
Joining us today is celebrity matchmaker, and online dating expert, Carmelia Ray.
Carmelia is an internationally acclaimed matchmaker for high achieving men and the quality women they’re searching for. You may also know her as a TV personality on shows such as Mom Vs. Matchmaker, The Real Housewives Of Toronto, and most recently A User’s Guide to Cheating Death. Carmelia’s advice has been featured in AskMen, Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, OK! Magazine, and so much more. She recently launched a dating app here in LA called Censio.
When we decided to do an episode on blended families and holidays, and blended traditions, our first thought was that we had to get Carmelia’s input on this episode.
Fun Fact: When she’s not supporting clients in their search for love, she’s traveling and loving life with her extraordinary husband, and family (4 kids and American bulldog).
Today we talk:
- Sixteen percent of children live in blended families.
- The number of kids living in blended families has been stable for nearly thirty years.
- Children of Hispanic, black, and white backgrounds are equally likely to live in this type of family.
- Children from Asian families are half as likely as Hispanic, black, or white kids to be part of a blended family.
- Six of ten women’s remarriages create blended families.
- 60-70% of marriages involving children with a previous marriage
- 1 in 5 adults raised in interfaith homes
- Most common interfaith household is protestant/catholic
- Mixed faith partners shot to 40% (20% in the 60s) DOUBLED SINCE THE 1960s
- Today, mixed-race marriages are at a high, and the number of multiracial Americans is growing three times as fast as the population as a whole, according to the Pew Research Center.
- Although multiracial people account for only an estimated 7 percent of Americans today, their numbers are expected to soar to 20 percent by 2050.
- As a matchmaker, how much do you pay attention to things like race and religion?
- What are the most important factors in compatibility for blended couples
- How can you blend families over the holidays – first holiday with a partner’s kids or introducing a partner to your kids.
Follow Carmelia on all the socials (@carmeliaray) and don’t forget to use the code “singlebells” for your first unlimited month of Censio free!
TECHNICALLY DATING (38:00)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show!
Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- (From Instagram) I’m on all of the dating apps and I’ve been looking trying not to be too picky. But I can’t tell if I’m on the apps because I’m scared of being single and I feel like I should be. Or if I’m doing poorly being because I’m scared or I’m doing poorly because I’m not interested. I’ve always seen myself in the future with kids, but there was never a man attached to that future, and I would like to have sex but I’m not into just going on hook up apps because I feel intimidated from being out the game for so long.
- (From Instagram) What is the youngest appropriate age I can date? I’m a 34 year old man.
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:17
Hello Lovers and welcome to Dates & Mates. I’m your host certified Dating Coach Damona Hoffman, and thank you for making this show your source for dating and relationship advice, especially holiday dating and relationship advice. I know this is the time of year that a lot of you are thinking about dating challenges, relationship challenges, and I’m really excited that you took the time to join us during this busy holiday season.
We love to keep you aware of what’s trending. And it’s no surprise that here in the US, especially blended families are trending and becoming more popular. So whether that be blended races, blended cultures, blended religions or two families joined through remarriage. Whether you’re doing dating or in a new relationship or are remarried, you will likely find at some point in your life you may be looking to blend your family with someone else in someone else’s traditions.
And that is why we are doing today’s show to give you the resources to navigate that challenge of blending. Joining me today is celebrity matchmaker and online dating expert, Carmelia Ray.
Carmelia Ray 1:24
Hi Damona!
Damona 1:26
Hi! I got to tell people about you. She’s an internationally acclaimed matchmaker. You also probably know her from TV. She is the host and matchmaker of a show called “Mom versus Matchmaker”. Yeah, she’s the matchmaker. She’s also been on The Real Housewives of Toronto and most recently a user’s guide to cheating death. You’ve seen her and asked men variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Ok magazine and so much more. She’s also become a partner in a dating app
Carmelia Ray 1:55
Matchmaking app! Yes. We want to do distinct ourselves from like the swiping apps to a relationship based and relationship oriented app. So this is why we call it a matchmaking app.
Damona 2:09
Well, I can’t wait to hear more about that. And I can’t wait to talk about the headlines with you. We have some juicy ones this week, including a wedding tradition that is being banned.
And fleabagging. Are you doing it? We’ll tell you what this new dating term means and maybe how you should be avoiding it in the future.
Plus, we’ll break down Tinder’s end of year report on this year’s hottest dating trends.
And then we’ll answer your questions, including how to master dating apps, if they make you feel scared, confused and intimidated. I know a lot of you are nodding your heads to that. Plus what ages are appropriate for you to date.
All that and more on today’s Dates & Mates. Carmelia, I didn’t give you some smooches earlier. Maybe I’ll give you some smooches now –
Carmelia Ray 2:58
And you’re gonna give me a real smooth or is it Virtual?
Damona 3:00
a virtual smooch. I don’t want to make it weird. And then we’ll do these headlines.
All right. Did you know that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively are shadow banned, their wedding pictures? You cannot find them on many in many publications because they got married in 2012 at Boone Hall Plantation in Charleston. You may recognize it as the location for the notebook, which is probably why they chose it. Right. But y’all, it’s a plantation. It’s a plantation. Yeah. So this this week Pinterest has banned plantation style wedding pictures from their whole site. And there’s a people are taking sides like the not saying we don’t want to. We want to celebrate love wherever people decide to have it. But is there a reason to not promote these plantation style weddings as Something that are grand and beautiful when you really consider the history
Carmelia Ray 4:04
I mean you know, you you when you consider the history you’re stepping and celebrate you know you’re on a grounds where you know some bad things happen right and so historically It’s a place where attached to a lot of really awful memories so you’re trying to the only thing that that I might think is positive that you might want to replace those memories and and with something more positive and and have the past be in the past but I guess you know I have not i’m not personally related to that. So I want to emphasize with people that that it might offend.
Damona 4:42
Yeah, well as a as a black person in America I am I am personally connected to it. But at the same time, I think there is something empowering and being able to say like, now I can choose if I want to I can have my my wedding This spot, right and like you’re saying kind of re, like, rewire exactly that the reasoning that some people use the N word which I never use, right, but they’re like, we are redefining it for ourselves. And so in a way, I guess that is a possibility if we can look at it that way, but I’ll tell you I have friend that that’s from Louisiana and was getting married and looking at venues. And one of them called the the, obviously this the homes that the the enslaved people lived in right quaint cottages that your guests could stay on on the grounds and I was like, I don’t know that you get to do that. I don’t know that you get it right. The history. You have to acknowledge what the history is and say like maybe we can educate people by inviting them to this place to see where where this history happens. So
Carmelia Ray 5:48
I mean, forgive, I really don’t know about plantations or their actual people like, are they abandoned now? Are they
Damona 5:55
working on the other like their giant mansions that are beautiful locations for writings but have like you said this horrible, dark, very attached to it. So I don’t know if it’s it’s really the place of, of Pinterest. Sure ban it because again, if you ban it, you’re trying to you’re trying to negate it from Well,
Carmelia Ray 6:17
I mean, and then what happens what happens to the, you know, freedom of speech, right? opportunity like you can’t express this is your wedding day. I mean, I don’t know, I think it’s hard for me, I want to I want to not talk about that. But it’s great that you’re bringing up that point. We talked
Damona 6:35
about the stuff you do to me, it’s another tough thing to do. People that are in terrible relationships, cycles, these bad relationship choices again and again and again. Cosmo has coined a new term called fleabag. For those of you who are fans of the show like I am, you know that
Carmelia Ray 6:59
there is a show I’ve been out of the woodwork here so like like I’m a Netflix person in my free time. Yeah, there’s a show called fleabag
Damona 7:07
there’s a bag okay and in it the main character is just a train wreck date or she dates people who are unavailable. I won’t. I won’t spoil it for anyone okay seen it or for you. Okay, but she makes some really bad relationship choices particularly in season two. Okay,
Carmelia Ray 7:25
like where the audience is going. Oh, no, you didn’t
Damona 7:27
know Yeah. Oh my god. I have a friend that is Yang or has fleabag or we’ve all fleabag Darcy Yeah.
Carmelia Ray 7:34
Oh my god. Yes. Not to be confused with tea bag. That’s right. Just believe earlier on the show.
Damona 7:41
Let’s just say I want to get some advice since you are such a an expert in dating and relationships and matchmaking. Yes. For people that are in these toxic cycles of makeup, break up. relationships that aren’t serving them what’s like one tip you could give them to break that cycle.
Carmelia Ray 7:58
get professional help. Number one, I mean, tip number one, we’re both coaches,
Carmelia Ray 8:03
right?
Carmelia Ray 8:04
And a lot of times people don’t know or they can’t recognize or even in that cycle, do you know you know, that friend and you keep talking to that person and they don’t do anything differently. So, make a different move, make a different decision, get help get support, put yourself outside of that toxic relationship and give yourself space. I think for people that continue to go back, they’re just either that again, it maybe has to do with their attachment styles. Are they anxious and avoidant? Do they are they addicted to this push pull type of situation? Right and, and so a normal relationship for them is foreign. I will
Damona 8:42
say that was definitely my experience before I was used to the drama to me drama felt like attraction. And that like, you know that that we’re fighting now we broke up, we’re making up the
Carmelia Ray 8:56
amazing
Damona 8:58
highs and the lows, that starts with Feel like the norm. And it’s done. I think that’s what people really need to hear. Well, when you
Carmelia Ray 9:05
thought a flea, I mean, that is so relevant, right? You just want it to go away or squash that but
Damona 9:12
always jumping around
Carmelia Ray 9:15
in your face is just like, Oh, yeah, I love that term. So I think want to be if you if you know that you can’t get out of this or you recognize this cycle and it is toxic, get help, get support, ask for you know, go to people that you trust, and maybe even go outside of your family. I really strongly believe in coaching and working with professionals, the experts that can maybe even do an intervention for you. They might have to drag you out of this relationship so that you can have the space you need to really see yourself outside of what you’re going on when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to get out of
Damona 9:52
yet. So let’s say you’ve done the work and you’re ready to date again. Maybe Tinder A place for you to start. Tinder came through with their 2019 year in swipe report. This is their end of year evaluation about the most talked about topics particularly focusing on Gen Z. That’s their biggest
Carmelia Ray 10:14
story. I wasn’t even aware Tinder did an annual end of year report. It’s like I know match.com does singles and managers singles
Damona 10:20
in America. So when did this start? Maybe this year? Okay. I don’t know. But this is not really the last year. Okay. Actually, for a number of different countries. They have one for the UK. They have one for Australia, France, Germany, India. So
Carmelia Ray 10:34
all that data that I mean, they are amazing data. Yeah,
Damona 10:37
yeah. So if you’re listening from another country, check out your report, but I’ll tell you what the US report said and I’m so curious Yeah. Gen Z. daters were more likely to mention causes or missions than a travel in their Bibles. But millennials old old asked millennials. They were three times more likely to talk travel. I find that When I’m when I’m coaching people of different generations, because I have all the way from like, late 20s, all the way up to late 60s and even 70s and
Carmelia Ray 11:09
Gen Z, right, and Gen Z
Damona 11:11
were younger than millennials.
Carmelia Ray 11:12
Yeah, younger than me not got it.
Damona 11:14
And so the trends are different for different age groups. And I find that really interesting. As I’m coaching people. Now I have to say like, well, if you’re dating someone over 40, you definitely do the phone call. But if you’re dating someone between 30 and 40, you might not want to do the phone call. If you’re dating someone under 30. If you do the phone call, you’re going to get you’re going to get shadow back.
Carmelia Ray 11:33
Well, you know, I think I think Gretta The is the poster child for Generation Z, right? So yeah, she is the poster child for Gen Z, which is why I think a lot of high schoolers, and it’s so funny. I work with a lot of teachers and different singles, who work with young people. And when you ask young people were talking even like elementary and primary, they’re all about wanting to help someone My daughter, my three year old is like, Mommy, can I help you? Are you okay? Daddy? Are you okay? Like you stub your toe and she wants to, like, admin immediately fix it. I said I have a headache. She goes and gets her pretend doctor kit. Like, I don’t know what it is about these young young people that are really focused on helping others whereas, you know, Millennials just want to get away and not work.
Damona 12:23
Like our core audience, but apparently you’re right on with with the reference to gretta Yeah, climate change social justice, the environment and gun control were really popular phrases and oh, my girl files in emojis. emojis are are on the case. Yeah, I have had various feelings about emojis because I definitely use them like anyone that’s done my texting trap or texting 10 commandments training they know that I’m, I’m all about using emojis as mood modifiers but I’ve been seeing them more in place of words in profiles to kind of short Cut the the conversation
Carmelia Ray 13:02
I I love emojis I have again various children we’re going to talk about blended blended families but my various my various and sundry curious show, I should qualify that I have children in three different age groups, primary elementary and young adult. And they all speak to me an emoji. Like they all speak to me in emotion. It’s like very few words and more signs and yet I can completely understand it you can understand I can show that there are some things that emojis you know are better for
Damona 13:34
Okay, what about this one the most popular emoji is not was not the eggplant is actually the face palm emoji like the face the hand in front of the face like the kind of my head yeah 41% increase in use this year.
Carmelia Ray 13:50
That we all have a we have more dumb moments. Like why did I do that like that is a permanent emoji in my phone.
Damona 14:00
Want to connect with people? definitely use emojis. Yes, you can connect on female superheroes Captain Marvel lizzo Elizabeth Warren, we’re trying to go with the overall theme of superheroes. All of those were very big topics and 2019 also, Jonas Brothers, who knew? I didn’t know that was still a thing. Yeah, job rose. They call it in
Carmelia Ray 14:22
the urine swipe. I work. I couldn’t be one song.
Carmelia Ray 14:26
I’m so dating myself. I’m so sorry people.
Damona 14:29
Well, we’ll put the link if you want to brush up on it will put the link to the articles we talked about in today’s dating dish, on our blog at Dates & Mates. com. We will be back with Carmela in just a moment talking more about blended families. But first I have to ask you, are we friends? Are we friends on social media? Are you getting all the bonus Dates & Mates content through Instagram and Twitter and Facebook? Is my blog bookmarked on your browser? If not, I want you to know that the New Year’s right around the corner and I have some Very special things lined up to help you meet your dating and relationship resolution so don’t miss out follow me @Damona Hoffman on all the socials and while you’re at Dates & Mates calm for this week’s show notes. Take a look at the rest of the blogs. We have new content coming at you every week with dating and relationship tips. We will be talking about blended families in just a moment. So stick around.
Damona 15:24
Lovers we are back with Carmela Ray. She is an internationally known celebrity Matchmaker, online dating expert and so much more. Welcome back to the show.
Carmelia Ray 15:33
Thank you.
Damona 15:34
You may be like now the reigning champ. I think this is your
Carmelia Ray 15:38
I think it’s been you’ve had seven years and I travel every time and I’m not even from here. I fly all the way from Toronto just to be on Dimona show. Literally, I call her and I say I’m here and and we graciously make time for me. So that is probably number four.
Damona 15:54
I know you’re not coming just for the show, but we’re lucky to have you and you’re coming at the right time because At this time of year, I get so many questions from our listeners about blending families about blending traditions for the holidays. I know you know a few things about that both through working with your clients and even through your own experience. And when you’re not supporting clients and you’re not working with sense CEO and launching the number one matchmaking app, you are living the fabulous life traveling with with your extraordinary husband.
Carmelia Ray 16:28
Andrew do today. Yes.
Carmelia Ray 16:29
And my children, you have kids, you got
Damona 16:32
various and sundry children, various and sundry kids and your two Bulldogs.
Carmelia Ray 16:36
Oh, one one now. So I have I know. I know what. Anyway, so I have I have and I’ll tell you the ultimate blended example of the ultimate blended family because my older children Michaela and Brandon because 21 Brandon’s 15 is from my first marriage. My youngest daughter who’s turned who turned three this year is from my current Marriage, and then mom and then my husband has a daughter who is my step daughter. And she’s one year younger than Michaela. So there’s four kids in total. Very blended. I don’t even know how to keep track of the kids.
Damona 17:14
Okay, well, let’s, I have to and I can’t. Myself. Yeah. But looking at the stats, 16% of children live in blended families. But you actually found an interesting stat that you shared with me. Yes, that 60 to 70% of marriages involving children with from a previous marriage don’t make it Yeah, they fail. And actually, I just
Carmelia Ray 17:37
worked with a recent client, who was super sad story and she had shared with me that the reason her last relationship ended was because the teenage daughter of the man she was with could not get along with her, and to the point where she had said, had had put the dad in an awkward position to choose between Between the partnership or her,
Damona 18:02
then the daughter,
Carmelia Ray 18:04
the daughter said, Dad and ultimatum you know, it’s either me, I mean, you know, and she backed out as well, because she’s like, she has a daughter too. So there’s her daughter, there’s this daughter. And then there’s the the, you know, position that she held that it’s going to made it very challenging. And the sad part was the relationship between the couple was solid, but the relationship between the child and the partner, even though it wasn’t solid, clearly, the child was dealing with whatever she was dealing with. And, and that’s part of the issue. Sometimes kids, they just do not want to see another person in the role of their mother or father and regard and it’s unfortunate.
Damona 18:46
It’s really unfortunate. What do you think people can do? Like some of our listeners now are dating people with kids? Get looking for marriage? Are there tips that you can give in terms of especially during the holidays, how to You set things up so that you can be successful with the other person’s kids so that you don’t get into that ultimatum situation.
Carmelia Ray 19:06
Wow, there, you know, there are so many moving parts in a blended family. And it also depends the advice is going to be different based on the stage of the relationship, how comfortable the children are, I think if you’re trying to create a bond, and we’re talking about the holidays, and it’s always great for you to try to plan something with the kids, but like this potential step brothers and sisters together, because then you start your test that unity, whereas if the kids are going with their parents, and they never get to see each other, you’re also missing out on an opportunity to, to share a really awesome moment, right? And then at the same time, it’s when when when the other partner wants to have the children, how does it work with the schedule, right, because the dad may want to spend time with the kids and the new partner, and then it just doesn’t align. So you really want to get agreement between the couples? And then, you know, integrate the kids. And also I think it’s really important to ask the kids what they want, right? Because what are they comfortable with? Maybe they don’t want to spend time with the family. So there’s or with their, you know, the people, the other children so to speak. So there’s so much to consider there.
Damona 20:20
What if you are dating someone that that has kids and you don’t have kids yourself? Okay. So that’s a lot of our listeners that are they’ve never been married, they don’t have kids, but they’re like, I want to be a part of this family. Is there a way to, to integrate, or should you just let the parent pace the forming of that relationship?
Carmelia Ray 20:45
You know, it’s one thing for I mean, I think it’s a great sign when somebody who doesn’t have children is dating someone with kids and wants to really have that relationship. It’s showing you that they want to be part of that family and sees that diamond As a being in their future, that being said, you can never force this outcome because you’re talking about the children’s well being is I think the most important consideration is, are the kids ready for that? And the rule of thumb, and although there’s no real rule is you wouldn’t introduce your children to a partner, unless you felt that this was going to be a long term partner. Otherwise, your kids might just feel like there’s a revolving door of partners. And that would have a negative impact as well, because they may be already suffering, the loss of the parent leaving, and now they might form this attachment to this new person, and then they’re gone. Right. So the, I think it’s important to for that person to express they would like to have that involvement, and to let them know because sometimes they don’t even say anything, right. And then the person with the child thinks, do they even want to?
Damona 21:52
Yeah, I need this like, do you do you as the single as the person without the kid, need to drive it and say it really like to me meet your son or daughter? Or do you need to wait for that person to open the door? Because,
Carmelia Ray 22:07
like, as a parent, I think I’d probably have to pace that right. I think you also have to look at the strength of the partnership. First of all, right? Like, is there a reason the person is not wanting to introduce this person to you? Because if you really like this person, and you’re dating them, and you haven’t yet it’s six months, and you don’t want them to meet the kids, and it’s like, What’s up with that?
Damona 22:32
Yeah, I have a client that she and her ex husband had, they made a rule that they would not introduce anyone to their child, neither of them until they were at the point of, of either moving in together or marriage. And I will say it’s, it was a little tricky, like there was once where they died. And this, he came to drop off flowers for her birthday and her son was there. And she was like, it’s great that he was romantic, but it Same time, in honor he broke that crossed a bit of a line. So it can it can become really complicated, especially when you have certain rules. As a parent that you haven’t communicated, she
Carmelia Ray 23:10
didn’t communicate that that’s really her bad, right? But if he stopped cross the line, and she knew that we weren’t gonna introduce and then he did it anyway. I think that’s a red flag. I really do. Because if he’s gonna stay together,
Carmelia Ray 23:25
see massive Red
Damona 23:28
Nose Oh, she is like the Nostradamus of dating and relationships, man. Well, when we’re talking about blended families, I’ll share my own story because I come from like, multiple blended family on multiple levels. Like my mom already had a kid when she met my dad. My sister was like, my half sister was like about nine. And then my dad is Jewish. My mom is Christian, and she’s African American. My dad is white. So my family is. So first I want to talk about interface. Okay, relationships and as a matchmaker I’m sure you deal with this. Oh my
Carmelia Ray 24:04
gosh, comes up a lot
Damona 24:06
mixed faith partners actually, the number of mixed faith partners doubled since the 1960s. So now we’re looking at 40% of households are mixed faith and that that could be Protestant Catholic that could be Jewish Christian could be Muslim. I deal with this every day Damona every day What do you help first of all when someone comes to you and they’re like, I want to find love. I’m say Jewish I see as my first writing gig was with JD So okay, this has a special place all the Jewish mothers that are like, please help my son. A very, very special place in my heart. Okay, but if they’re like, I must find love. I’m say 38 Yes, and I’m looking for love. I’ve only been dating Jewish. Okay, Jewish man. How’s that been working for him?
Carmelia Ray 24:57
Is that what you say? No, but I’m saying to them, right.
Carmelia Ray 25:00
You know it really a man? It’s really a matter of how much importance and, and and how often How does your faith show up in your life? Because if it doesn’t show up that often your life Why should it show up in your dating life and in your partner choice? Yeah, that a value that you really is it you’re trying to make your parents happy? Is it something that if you could meet the right guy, and you really think about your core values, if religion or faith isn’t top of those core values, then it’s it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t weigh more than having someone who you can trust or is loyal or reliable or has a strong sense of right and wrong. Like I think 100% of people would say they’re spiritual. I think that’s the word. Right like religious
Damona 25:48
spirit. Yeah, exactly. I mean, spiritual but not
Carmelia Ray 25:50
exactly right.
Carmelia Ray 25:54
So this happens a lot where and really it’s sometimes authentically is frustrating or or challenging for me, because I’ve got someone that has this strong line in the sand about who they want to meet. And yet their religion isn’t even what drives them. And it’s not even they don’t go to synagogue, they don’t really even practice the things that that they’re supposed to as a devout Jewish or Christian person. And yet they put that in as a consideration or must in a partner. So I my coaching to that person would really be to be open and flexible and dating somebody that is outside of their faith when their faith isn’t. Really. Yeah, if you want a deal breaker and it’s not obvious in their day to day life, yeah, right now, if they have parents and family and they’ve got other family considerations that would make dating someone outside of that race or faith problematic. I could understand why they’d still be seeking a partner. However, it’s proven time and again, that when somebody meets somebody That they love. And you can just see they make them happy. Like, nobody’s going to say no to that kind of a relationship where they just know this person is happier, healthier and just elated when they’re with that person.
Damona 27:11
Yeah, I just read an article about this couple. The man it was from. He was from Asia and the wife was from Ghana, I believe. And what a mix it was. They were both gorgeous. Yes. And the dad initially was like, Don’t even bring her to my house. I don’t want to meet her. And they he spent the, the now they are now married and the husband spent months of just introducing her over time telling her that they wanted him her to come to the house, even when they were like don’t bring her here. Yes, to kind of create those moments where they could get to know her as a person was there a happy ending? There’s a happy another married and the dad showed up to the wedding. And like sometimes I feel like parents say these things like don’t even come here if your husband is an Indian, like don’t even don’t even come in my house with with
Carmelia Ray 28:05
it’s really sad, guys. I mean, you would think that in this day and age that millennials and Gen Z would not have to deal with that. And yet, I see this with my daughter’s friends who are different religions and cultures where they’re literally dating someone outside of the faith outside of their race behind their parents back in in relationship that’s been going on for years, terrified to tell their family about this partnership, because of the strong influence, cultural influence inside of that dynamic. Yeah, well, so young people
Damona 28:38
as the host of mom versus Matchmaker, gosh, so if anyone hasn’t seen the show yet, it’s fabulous, and you should definitely check it out. But the premise is basically a mom does a setup for their child and Carmela does a set up for the child and then the child who’s an adult will choose who they think is the bedroom and
Carmelia Ray 28:59
I have three jewels. Moms, they all chose Jewish people, right? They literally did. And you could tell the choice like it was so funny. And not even that the Jamaican moms and anybody who was in a cultural like, like where they were culturally specific, they ended up choosing the moms choice, which was clear because the mom had an idea or perception of who their child should date based on religion, ethnicity, culture, family values, tradition. And I chose a match based on what the person wanted. And what the person wanted, had nothing to do often with what the mom wanted, which is why one in those cases, right? And not always though, sometimes, I think that that they the kids favorite, the mother’s choice, knowing that it was mom’s choice, and if they didn’t pick mom’s choice, they’d be in a whole heap of trouble.
Damona 29:52
So let’s say you have not chosen the moms choice and yet approaching the holidays and it’s time for you to figure out how to introduce this person into your family and your life. What would you recommend to any of these clients on mom versus matchmaker? Like, how do they begin that conversation? A Mom, I didn’t kick your person.
Carmelia Ray 30:10
Yeah, that’s so interesting. And you know what, I don’t know that I would use a major family holiday to introduce somebody. I think that you avoid all that because you’re not just impacting that person. It’s everybody’s holiday, right? So you don’t want to make it about you must, you can’t force somebody to like your partner, you can take a stand. But if you’re willing to be that person and you have that stand, then you need to know that there it could ruffle some feathers. So if your intention is not to ruffle feathers, it’s better to have that conversation before the actual holiday. Or just express where you draw the line in the sand and say, Listen, I love this person. If you really want me to attend, it’s important that he comes he or she comes with me. Or you’re not going right yeah,
Damona 30:55
you have to set your partner up for success. And that’s a really good point that this is a is a time when it’s already the stakes are high the the emotional intensity is off the charts.
Carmelia Ray 31:07
Yeah, I read I don’t know who it was but it was like how did reduce drama over the holidays and you don’t bring somebody new to a family holiday function when first of all, they would completely they’re, they’re the opposite polar opposite of what who your parents want you to date. That is not the time in place to bring someone over the holidays. Oh, I
Damona 31:26
was just so nervous to me. My husband’s family. Thanksgiving was the big, big holiday in there. Did
Carmelia Ray 31:32
you get introduced? Were you already dating though?
Damona 31:34
Before we were dating? Yeah, we were dating and I had met his parents, but he does this big family event where it was like aunts, uncles, cousins. I love those
Carmelia Ray 31:44
Filipinos. So we have like hundred people in our family.
Damona 31:48
It wasn’t quite Filipino level. But it was like, it was like, you know, yeah, big family. And I remember this moment we had been dating at that point over a year but like, yeah, I didn’t know where it was going and They were like, we’re gonna take the holiday picture. And everybody you know, they do they do, like
Carmelia Ray 32:07
do you like sitting off to the I was?
Damona 32:10
Like, I’m not trying to be in the family in the family. Yeah. And they’re like Damona get in the picture, get the picture. And I just felt so uncomfortable because they thought, what if I’m on the picture? And they’re gonna be going through the pictures like,
Carmelia Ray 32:24
Who was that broad that you
Carmelia Ray 32:28
can feel that but look at that they were so gracious. And you didn’t automatically go in there. I mean, you had respect and you’re
Damona 32:36
set to the side that tells a lot about my family of origin I guess and like the baggage you know, we all bring like different ideas and different
Carmelia Ray 32:44
but I I was dating somebody where you know, the family was like, get them out of the picture. Not in the pictures not in the white. Why is he even hear
Damona 32:54
my mommy like he’s not like Tell him to go outside. He’s not in the picture. But she loves My husband from from the beginning, but I will say it was an opportunity for anyone that’s listening that may be in that situation, it was an opportunity for me to feel like, Oh, I’m included. And then I also thought he must be saying very nice things about me to them.
Carmelia Ray 33:14
Yes, I can see now that’s probably because she relationships had it, and you’re married. And you have now two children. So he saw the future with you, which is great. But in terms of blended families, unfortunately, we don’t get that happy picture. I mean, I experienced the other side of the blended family where the partner I had chosen was somebody my family didn’t like, and it was so close after my separation, that the person who was in there and I had two young children at the time when I was dating somebody new that they were like, Who is this person? and wine is too early. And this and that was, it was actually nightmarish. Wow. Yeah.
Damona 33:51
But how is it different now? You’re remarried, you have the happy blended family picture?
Carmelia Ray 33:56
Yeah. And it’s not always different. You know, it’s I mean, I authentically I’m Filipino. He’s not, you know, he’s got another child how it’s different now as I think, because I’m mature and I’m older, they realize that they can’t tell me what to do. You know, I think it’s very different when it’s also who I am. Right and what I stand for. So they they just gave up on me. That’s what it was. Do whatever that she’s gonna do I just, just they just couldn’t. It was what is that? There was a show before that. They would say something is futile. It’s Do you know that you’re the V? No. Oh, gosh. educate you. I wish I could. What was it? Resistance is futile. Okay. That was sentence. Oh, yeah. That was it. But you know, at the same time, it’s, it was it’s a matter of just being clear of what makes you happy. How you see the future and, and, and really being gentle about it. I think anytime you’re aggressive or you force an issue or force an outcome You’re not considered of the impact for other people. It’s when it’s it doesn’t work, you know, you’re looked at as selfish or self serving, and you have to first of all, consider the children.
Damona 35:11
Yes, of course, this is such great advice for the holiday time. And just in general, if you’re looking to date someone that comes from a different circle, and we all we all have our different cultures, even if you’re both coming from a Christian background, you might have different traditions that you’re having to blend together.
Carmelia Ray 35:27
And, you know, a real concern for singles today, especially if they’re single in their 40s, or even in their late 30s, as you said, and, and their choice in the dating pool are single parents. They often do. Sometimes they’re afraid of even dating somebody who has a child. And that’s a deal breaker for some people and me, I know that it can be very successful. I mean, I don’t like what this stat says, but I’ve seen it work where it can be successful, but it requires compromise. It certainly requires that you don’t come into the relationship with already a preconceived notion that it’s going to fail. If you go into that, well guess what’s going to happen it’s already going to fail. But they come to me saying no, I don’t want the drama. I don’t want you know that the ex baby mama or baby daddy or whatever the case is. And it’s not always like that in fact is so far from that in some cases there are people that are separated and I look at them as like oh my god poster child for the separated family that really just worked together for the kids.
Damona 36:30
Yeah, it’s all about communication to like I did this holiday dating segment or dating relationship segment on access daily. And I every every answer I had, essentially the crux was communication in the Mario Lopez is like, so again, it’s about communication. I’m like, basically like that is the answer to every questions. One of my four pillars of long term compatibility. You have to have good communication and good conflict resolution because the problems will arise and it’s all in how you deal with it when it comes up.
Carmelia Ray 36:59
Can you Be our Dating Coach Damona
Damona 37:02
Yeah, of course, what will train will do okay and even trade because everybody like you said everybody needs an outside I, their dating life, their relationship life and somebody to talk to. So I’ve enjoyed talking to you and it’s not over Oh, not over currently because we have questions from our listeners. And you are just the person to answer them in our next segment.
Well Carmela the questions have been pouring in during the holiday season. I know everybody is stressed about their dating relationship situation right now. We have picked two of the most pressing questions to answer today there will be a deer Dimona episode coming up in the coming weeks. So if you haven’t gotten your question answered, please submit it to me on any of the social medias at Damona Hoffman or you can go to Dates & Mates calm and submit your question there. Our first question for the day. It’s a little bit long, but I think you’ll get the gist of it. Okay. This person says I’m on all of the data. apps. And I’ve been looking, trying not to be too picky. But I can’t tell if I’m on the apps because I’m single scared of being single, or I feel like I should be. Or if I’m doing poorly because I’m scared, or if I’m doing poorly, because I’m not interested. I’ve always seen myself in the future with kids. But there was never a man attached to that future. And I would like to have sex. But I’m not into just hooking up on apps because I feel intimidated from being out of the game for so long. I swear I feel like I’ve heard this question in different formats from so many people, but like breaking it down. Is there
Carmelia Ray 38:35
a bunch of statements? I need a drink.
Damona 38:40
Question is, should she be on dating apps is passed away. She’s been out of the game for a while.
Carmelia Ray 38:45
I think she needs clarity. It’s very, very clear. And thank you for just being completely transparent and vulnerable. Because I’m hearing this going you need some clarity because you don’t know what’s going on. Understand you’re in a state of confusion. And if you have no compass, or goal or direction, you have you see a kid but you don’t see a man, you don’t know why you’re on a dating app, you don’t even have a goal. Well, first of all you’re getting, you’re not getting the result because you don’t even know what you want. You cannot get results unless you realize why you’re on the app in the first place. So if you’re on a platform, and you have no idea why you’re on that platform, that’s challenge number one. Secondly, it I’m not judging her for not for thinking maybe she wants to be an independent woman to raise a child and she’s looking for a donate, don’t donate, donate a donor a donor that Yeah, she might be looking for the perfect specimen donor and co like wonderful co parent, you know, relationship. Because I mean, she could be I don’t know because she doesn’t know either. So I think the first thing you have to do is book a session with Damona like number one, if not heard me please for free Hi, because you need to get out of this. I don’t know where I’m going left, right, upside down. It was you’re exhausted. I’m exhausted with the statements. Well, I think you need help, like, in a good way in a really, really good way. Right? So thank you for that. But
Damona 40:14
you have dating apps amplify whatever challenges you’re already having. People think oh, the dating app, I just go on the dating app and that’ll fix it like I haven’t. I
Carmelia Ray 40:23
I if you go into dating app with that, it’s just going to further solidify your already view of dating disappointment because that’s what’s manifesting right now. You’re not clear. If you don’t have clarity on what kind of relationship you want, you’re just going to get more of the same so I think the work has to be done with first figuring out what what she brings to the table like what really does she envision for herself in a partner you know, and and then move towards that goal. Don’t get you know, Europe, you’re playing a game with no rules. Yeah and and no way to measure success like what is success to you is success to you going on dates is success to you having sex? Because if a success is having sex, then a great you’re having sex not just going on naps for hookups so
Damona 41:15
yes yeah and all of my programs all begin with mindset that’s always the thing because if you don’t know the direction you’re headed then how will you know if you even get there?
Carmelia Ray 41:28
Yeah and have someone review her her profile because
Carmelia Ray 41:32
I don’t know
Carmelia Ray 41:33
yeah what are her photos saying is it is it as confusing as like what’s going on in her head like is she posting usually right? Is she posting photos to attract what kind of men what kind of relationship? What are the words you’re using to define yourself? Are you are there even words on there? Are you just like kind of going around thinking okay, well I’ll float in whatever direction and patches takes facepalm emoji That’s better.
Damona 41:59
Okay, as we’re just Talking about getting clarity on who you’re looking for. Our second question comes to us from a fella who says, What’s the youngest appropriate age? I can date? I’m a 34 year old man.
Carmelia Ray 42:11
Oh, I have a rule for that. Sony. Somebody told me this rule. You take your age. Try this half your age. half your age plus seven. Okay, you
Damona 42:21
got the calculator.
Carmelia Ray 42:23
So 24 is the youngest.
Damona 42:26
for 10 years. Yeah. There’s a big difference between 24 and 34.
Carmelia Ray 42:32
Well, because well, yes, but he’s got to realize like he’s asking what’s appropriate. what’s appropriate is someone who has emotional maturity, compatibility, physicality, and sees you at your level. There’s no age attached to that if you’re concerned about age, let’s figure out why. That’s the concern. Why aren’t you asking? What’s the kind of woman I should be dating? What are the what are the partner qualities that lead to the most successful outcome for me, not how old or young I should be. dating. That’s the wrong question.
Damona 43:02
Girl just I’m just gonna drop the mic right there. Because that
Carmelia Ray 43:06
you might as well say 17 then like, come on, like, like, I don’t know. I mean, you know, sorry to go.
Damona 43:12
I mean, I didn’t know when I was in my early 20s. I was dating guys in their 30s. But then you’re also on a different track. I think it’s different when you’re in your third
Carmelia Ray 43:21
I was to at 23 years old by someone in his 40s and he was Uber successful, currently a multi millionaire. I wish I had seen the future.
Carmelia Ray 43:33
Because I’m like,
Carmelia Ray 43:36
I’m kidding. No, I mean, I mean, I was not ready for a serious relationship. so dizzy given name z anonymous, he’s anonymous. Okay, so Mr. Anonymous askers. Don’t ask about age. The rules say it’s 24. But beyond that, it’s all of the other things that are more important than the age of the lady that you’re dating
Damona 43:59
Carmelia you are wealth of information. Thank you so much for joining us. She is on all of the socials at Carmelia Ray. And also I forget yes yo is doing something. Yeah, well remember it’s the, it’s the magnetic making a matchmaking app. So chief Matchmaker,
Carmelia Ray 44:15
yes, I am the chief matchmaker at Censio. It’s actually launched here in LA, you can download the app at Censio and be in the spirit of giving for the month of December up until I think it’s January 1, you can use the promo code single bells, exactly how it sounds all one word. So to get one month free of unlimited matches and introductions on our app, so we welcome you to use that and can’t wait to interact with you on the love couch where you can ask questions. And yes, I’m so glad to be here. Thank you so much, Mona.
Damona 44:52
Thank you. We will put that promo code single bells in the show notes along with your social media links. Thank you for being here. Thank you. And thank you for being here to listen to Episode 288 of dates and dates again, I’m at Damona Hoffman on all of the socials. I want to hear from you. I want to know what your questions are for our upcoming dear Damona episode, so make sure you send those to me and make sure you share this episode with a friend. Next week the holidays will be in full swing, but we will still be here with our weekly episode. We’re not letting you down. My holidays are on and I know the pressure is on for you so you can count on Dates & Mates. Until then I wish you happy dating
New Year & Healthy Dating Habits
HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVERS!
Welcome to the first Dates and Mates episode of 2020!
We love this time of year and everything it symbolizes. You know we’re all about staying proactive and evolving your approach to dating and relationships year around – but we also like the idea of a fresh start and some motivation to reach your goals this year.
Coming through the holidays you might just be feeling like you can’t even with dating & relationships right now but what my guest for today would say to that is to Deal With It.
Joining me in studio in a moment will be Tracy Crossley – a Behavioral Relationship Expert and host of the “Deal With It! Podcast”, who specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy dating and relationship patterns.
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (2:30)
What does Wilmer Valderamma’s engagement mean for Demi Lovato
Wilmer popped the question to model Amanda Pacheco this New Year’s Day! You may recall that Demi and Wilmer dated for six years. Damona’s take: “When you know you know. When a guy is ready, he is really ready. And when he’s not ready he will gladly take 6 years of your time to figure it out.”
Peak Dating Season launched yesterday!
Dating Sunday was yesterday. Everything you know for this year’s quest for love.
Science says emoji users have more luck in love and we’ll tell you why
We’ve been telling you this for years and we just love when Damona is right.
DEAL WITH IT (14:60)
Tracy Crossley, a Behavioral Relationship Expert and host of the “Deal With It! Podcast”, joins us to talk about how to flip unhealthy dating and relationship patterns.
In addition to her mentoring services, Tracy offers her successful digital coaching program called “The Insecure Attachment Cleanse” where clients can start taking the steps to rid whatever roadblocks keep them from having healthy relationships.
Tracy is here to help us usher in the new year with some great advice to get us all started on our new years resolutions!
TECHNICALLY DATING
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
DAMONA’S DIATRIBE
Damona has THOUGHTS on the “22 Convention” – which we are referring to it as the mansplaining convention. Here’s an article wit the breakdown if you’re curious!
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:12
Happy New Year lovers. Welcome to the first dates and mates episode of 2020. I’m your certified Dating Coach damona Hoffman here to give you the scoop on how to date and mate in the new year. I love this time of year and everything it symbolizes. You know, I’m all about staying proactive and evolving your approach to dating and relationships year round. But I also like the idea of a fresh start, and some motivation to reach your goals this year. Coming through the holidays, I know you might be feeling just like you can’t even with dating and relationships right now. But what my guest for today would say to that is to just deal with it. Joy Me in studio in a moment will be Tracy Crossley. She’s a behavioral relationship expert and she’s the host of the deal with it podcast. She specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy dating and relationship patterns. And she’s going to be doing just that and helping us rewrite our rules on love for 2020. But you know how we do? We have to discuss the headlines first. Today we’re talking about Wilmer Valderrama pops the question, but what does that mean for Demi Lovato and peak dating season launched yesterday? Everything you need to know about how to find love online this year. Plus, science says emoji users have more luck and love and we’ll tell you why. And then we’ll be answering your questions like how to get a guy to commit when even all his family knows that you’re kind of dating. And could your fiance be at the gym flirting instead of doing flies will tell you the signs in a little bit. And then I will leave you with my first damona is done. tribe of the year, and I’m fired up about something. Producer Leah, are you fired up?
Leah
I’m fired up!
Damona
Are you super fired up?
Leah
Yes!
Damona
Let’s dish!
Damona 2:14
Wilmer Valderrama is engaged to Amanda Pacheco. He is a ripe 39 years old. She is just 28. And he popped the question on New Year’s Eve, very popular to pop the question on holiday. But first, I just have to mention his AX, Demi Lovato with whom he was involved for six years. And they were never engaged. And now he’s been with Amanda Pacheco, not like we’re counting but only since April. And he’s already popped the question. Here’s the thing, producer Leah. All the time people ask me like how do you know when it’s the one or my boyfriend won’t commit to me but I really feel like he’s the one and Should I stick it out? Demi Lovato put in six, six years hard time years and got nothing to show for it my rehab. And here comes Amanda Pacheco, what like eight, nine months later, she’s just like, okay, I’ll take those. Right. Yeah. My feeling is that when you know, you know, and when a guy is ready, he’s really ready. And when he’s not ready, he will gladly take six years of your time to figure it out.
Leah Schell 3:25
That hurts to hear, but it’s hard. Yeah. No, I mean, we need to hear it also, like it shouldn’t be hard. Like, it seems like Demi and Wilmers relationship was really tumultuous, and I feel like the right relationship shouldn’t be hard.
Damona 3:39
Yeah, I mean, she was definitely dealing with some things. Yeah, you’re exactly right. When you’re in the right relationship, all of these other questions and concerns and challenges. They really don’t arise in the same way. So I have to say I’m happy for Wilmer that he found somebody that he does want to spend his life with and Demi has said in the news that she’s cool with it and she wants what’s best for them and they’re still friends. Right? And I do believe you can be friends with your ex after you’ve done some healing they’ve they’ve been broken up for over a year. It’s been a minute like it’s been a while. Yeah. And he’s been supportive of her and in her relapse and keeping her sobriety. So he’s gonna move on, he has to get his life together. I don’t know about doing it on New Year’s New Year actually was on New Year’s Day. I said New Year’s Eve, but it was on New Year’s Day. And then he made a big post about it. I just don’t like engagements happening on holidays. I feel like these are stressful, right?
Leah Schell 4:37
Yeah. And then like, I don’t know, just like, every year from now on, it’s going to be like, you’re some sort of like anniversary and like that. That holiday too. So it’s just kind of adds to the stress to me also like it, I don’t know, it makes the holiday less special. So
Damona 4:54
yeah, I have no idea when my husband proposed to me know it might have been June. Yeah, I mean, I remember the moment and it was when we moved into our first house, but I wasn’t checking the clock like that. But I’ll tell you because there was such a focus. Like we hear all these stories of engagements like this. I was stressed out every time there was a holiday, or we did a trip together because I thought he was going to like, make this grand gesture thing. Yeah. And then stop and then I just like spent every holiday for a year just off it didn’t happen. You know what somebody asked me actually this week, they said, How do you do you believe in women proposing to men and I was like, in theory? Yes. Yeah, I totally do. But I don’t know why when it was my turn. I couldn’t do it. I was a little old fashioned about that. I guess all evolving.
Leah Schell 5:44
I know. Yeah. Sam, I just like I don’t know. I’m feminist. I consider myself self feminist, but I don’t think I would have the guts to do it. Like, do that.
Damona 5:57
Well, I don’t know if you would have the guts for a proposal. It would You have the guts to go online for dating Sunday? Yes, yes. resounding yes. this past Sunday was the biggest online dating day of the year. Let me explain why. This is the time of the year when the dating app see a huge surge in new members, starting with last Sunday night. That’s when everybody goes online to try to set up their dates for the first date of the year, right. And now we’re in a mad dash to Valentine’s Day. I’m really not trying to stress you guys oh yeah, not for nothing but the clock is ticking. But everyone is feeling everyone’s feeling the way that you all are. If you’re single and you’re like, New year, new boo, you’re ready for a change everybody flocks to the dating apps and this is when you’re going to see the most number of new people online. You know, everybody’s like, I go online, I see the same people I see the same people on Bumble And then they’re also on hinge and then they are they’re also on Tinder. If you have said that. This is the Day, this is the week, this is the time that you need to go online refresh your dating profile. If you haven’t gotten my free profile starter kit, do it. It’s on the website, we’ll put this link in the show notes. But it’s going to be bigger this this peak dating season is going to be bigger than ever. All of the apps are growing at rapid rapid numbers. And so if you ever wanted a chance to find a match is now pace right now. Did that was that stress, though? I made? I added stress didn’t I
Leah Schell 7:31
know I? Okay. I mean, no, I feel like it’s just important knowledge for people to know.
Damona 7:37
Okay, thanks, Russell. Yeah, let’s flip it. I’m adding opportunity. This is your best opportunity. And while you are on the apps or while you are moving into these new relationships, I have another tip for you because the Kinsey Institute came out with a study that said people who use emojis have better luck on dating apps. Now for the longtime listeners of this show, this is not going to surprise you. But I love it when science backs up what I’ve said on the show. The reason is, according to the author of the study, she says specifically for emojis were particularly interested in them as a way to signal effect or emotion in an effort to better connect with someone in the context of online dating. Now she said it in the scientist way, I’m going to bring it down to earth for you. I’ve always said emojis or mood modifiers. The problem with communicating through text, and especially communicating with people that you don’t know through text or through chat is that we can’t tell the context. We don’t know what you mean. If you use emojis sparingly for effect, as she says, you actually can make a better connection. People can understand your sense of humor, they can understand your personality better, and you’re going to do better according to the Kinsey Institute on these dating apps.
Leah Schell 8:56
Yeah, I have something to add. I just Like I’m personally not like the hugest user of emojis, but I prefer gifts instead. Um, so like, if you’re like a person who like is still like not obsessed with like emojis, maybe try gifts and you can go to the app store and get the gift keyboard for free and it’s just like, I don’t know, there’s it’s super easy to use if like, you’re just not using emojis.
Damona 9:22
gifts are really great. Yeah, we’re showing personality and showing sense of humor. rashly and memes. So they’re great to use in tandem with words. Yeah, I do not recommend them in new chats. Oh, really? Don’t know. Yeah. As the only text Right,
Leah Schell 9:41
right. Totally. Yeah, no, yeah. As like a text like a joke and then like a GIF to reinforce that.
Damona 9:48
Yeah. Producer Leah, was like, honey, I got this. I’ve been doing this.
Leah Schell 9:52
I’ve been doing that. It’s good for people to know like, you know, it’s good, you know, information.
Damona 9:57
I know some of our some of our more mature listeners are probably listening to that, like, What is she even talking about? Like, it’s the video, you know, with a funny saying, yeah. So don’t panic. If you don’t know about this stuff yet. Don’t panic. Just stay tuned, I’m going to keep giving you all of the guidance and advice and we’ll just ease you into it. It’s 2020. We are starting the year fresh. But don’t worry, we’re going to baby step into it. We’re going to get you going. And we’ll be talking later with Tracy Crossley, a behavioral relationship expert and the host of the deal with it podcast. But first, I just have to tell you if you want to date differently in 2020, let’s talk I am hosting a very special webinar just for the single ladies and the single guys called why online dating doesn’t work for you. And we’ll be doing a presentation plus a live coaching and QA. And if you have a dating dilemma that you want to talk to me about this is your chance. This is the time where you can get free coaching from me on your specific problem plus, you’ll get all of the online data tips that I have been sharing on this on this podcast. And on TV I was just on E news doing a profile makeover, and then more. It’s a whole webinar about online dating dating apps and how you can really master them for this year. So you can sign up at the dating secret.com it’s free. Again, the website is th e dating secret calm we’ll put the link in the show notes and on our blog at dates and mates. com. Stick around we have Tracy Crossley coming right up plus your questions being answered and technically dating see in a moment. We are here with Tracy Crossley. She is a behavioral relationship expert and the host of the deal with it podcast which specializes in treating individuals with unhealthy dating and relationship patterns. In addition to her mentoring services, Tracy offers her successful digital coaching program called the insecure attachment cleanse you know I’m always talking about attachment styles. So we will get into that. And a little bit but in this program, her clients can start taking the steps to rid whatever roadblocks are keeping them from having healthy relationships. And it’s the beginning of the year. And I know many of you are looking at your dating patterns of the last year, maybe two, maybe more. And you’re thinking this is the time that I need to make a new year’s resolution around dating around this relationship that is not serving me and you want to clear out that roadblock so today I’m going to give you a little taste of what Tracy does. First, let’s start out with giving her big smooches, big smooches to Tracy Crossley.
Tracy Crossley 12:37
Well, thank you and big speeches to you.
Damona 12:39
Thank you. I will take all this mooches especially this time of year, the year starting out. Everybody is kind of like clean slate. I’ve been through the holidays. It’s stressful for everyone regardless of your relationship status. And you want to start new you want to start fresh. What are Some of the steps that you find people can do at this time of year to set themselves off on a new on a new foot. It’s 2020 New Year new you, what’s the like the first thing that you should be doing?
Tracy Crossley 13:13
Well, I believe most people get caught up in the season. And on the one hand, they’re thinking, I can go to all the parties, I can drink, I can eat, I can do all these things and let loose. And then January 1, all of a sudden, I can’t do any of that anymore, because now I need to get it together, right? So a lot of times we have expectations of ourselves that actually set up a downfall to me because you get into a mindset through the holidays and and if you’re struggling through the holidays, of course, you have this idea that maybe once the holidays are done, things will be better. So it’s always an expectation you’re having of some kind of future that you want to have happen. And there’s pressure with that. And so I say stay in the moment, stay in the moment as much as you can. Enjoy where you are, or if you’re even suffering where you are, except that you’re not in a great place, but that that will pass and it does pass. But a lot of times we have expectations, we really get caught up in, it needs to be this way. I want things to be this way. And instead, it’s so much better just to stay in the moment and be where you are.
Damona 14:20
And you brought up an interesting point about this all or nothing philosophy. Like I was totally an indulgence in December and now it’s January. And I can’t do any of that I have to I have to be very rigid with myself or for some people like dating Sunday is coming up. This is when the most number the highest number of new users will be on dating apps and will be swiping Sunday night, y’all this week. So it can also go into a state of overwhelm where you’re so focused on it. You’re gripping it so tightly. And even brief. How do you help people find that balance and set up their expectations where they want something, but they’re not crushing it to death?
Tracy Crossley 15:10
Well, that still comes back to being attached to an outcome, right? And a lot of times we put pressure that we have to have it now, like when I was dating before my husband, one of the things that I did was I stopped doing this thing that I did every year, which is I can’t be alone for the holidays. I can’t go through another holiday alone, right? And so that creates a lot of that pressure. And I just said, You know what, whenever it happens, it happens for me, as long as I am doing things that are going toward getting into a healthy relationship. So I gave myself a break, and I stopped with the craziness. And I you know, I did not put a time limit on it because I figured when I was ready, it would show up. And that didn’t mean I was sitting on my couch eating bonbons, but it was I was actively moving in that direction without Bunch of this has to happen by this date this has to happen here there. I took all of that off the board, because really all you’re doing is making yourself a crazy person.
Damona 16:08
So what did you do in that time when you realize that your relationship patterns were not serving you,
Tracy Crossley 16:16
oh,
Damona 16:18
you have to do something right to shift out of that mindset. And to prepare yourself to, to be ready for the next relationship, the different relationship.
Tracy Crossley 16:30
And I did I you know, I’ve been doing the work in my business for 12 years at this point. And I was also growing along with my work. So about six, eight months before I met my husband. I came I was standing in my bathroom, and I realized, oh my gosh, I am afraid to go out on a date. I had a huge wall of fear, and I knew that I had to do something. So I really took myself in hand and I committed Committed to dating to get to a relationship whenever that would happen, which was totally different than how I did it before I always had one foot in and one foot out, oh, I’ll go on a date. And I’ll see what happens, oh, gosh, this guy’s a loser or always finding a problem with the person. And I realized that a lot of the problems were with me and how I was doing it how open I was not.
Damona 17:21
As in I was closed.
Tracy Crossley 17:23
So I went through all of these different iterations with myself and it kept growing, kept going on on dates, made myself be vulnerable in places where I would never in a million years have done like instead of ghosting somebody actually saying to them, hey, look, this isn’t gonna work out for me. So about two months before I met my husband, I started writing letters to him. And so two months later, he showed up and again when I did the letters, I had no okay, this has to be by this date sort of thing. I just wrote them and i was growing along with my letters. And they were I mean, they were letters where I looked at them and I thought, How did this happen three months after I met him, I’m like, Oh my god, this is so him and weird things that I never in a million years would have asked for or said, but for some reason I wrote them in the letters.
Damona 18:17
Hmm. I had a similar experience before I met my husband of like writing down all of these qualities that I was looking for, and thinking that that person didn’t exist. I won’t bore our listeners because they’ve heard the story a couple of times, but it sounds like what you’re talking about is manifestation. And I know that’s that’s also that’s a program that you have about manifesting your your honeybun the love of your life. Okay, a lot of people are just heard me say that word and they backed up and they’re like, Oh, that sounds that sounds like witchcraft or something. How do you define manifestation? And how do you think we’re
Tracy Crossley 19:01
Well in a non woowoo way, and this is very true, its commitment to what you want most of us, like I was just saying we have one foot in one foot out, I actually committed with both feet, that means riding the roller coaster of whatever is going on, whether it’s inside of you, whether it’s the dates, it’s really being committed to that end result that you want. And its intention. If you have an intention, and you take action towards that intention, you’re going to arrive there at some point, but we have a lot of doubts and a lot of other crap that we put in the way. And then we end up in these cycles where we never get where we want and we’re lamenting about our situation. And I stopped doing that. And so for me in how like in the course that I’m teaching the 30 day course on manifesting your honeybun it’s really showing people how to write letters because one of the things whenever people talk about attracting, they feel that they have to be perfect or only show their positive side In these letters, I would say things like I am having a bad day. Now, I was being very honest and open with who I was. And I kept growing through the process and taking responsibility for the things I was saying the things I was doing. And just like I said, when he showed up in my life, I didn’t immediately go to the letters and go, Oh my gosh, is this the guy? But a couple months later, I looked at the letters and I was like, Oh, my God,
Damona 20:25
this is the guy. That’s how it happens. Because if you think if you recognize it in the moment, then sometimes it goes back to what I was saying earlier. That’s when you start to squeeze it like, this could be the one this could be the one and it, it’s it. It kind of takes the magic out of the moment. And I’m so glad that you said really staying present and staying in the moment. This is what I’m always telling people about dating. I mean, longtime listeners, how many times have I said it’s not about projecting that person into the future as your husband or could they meet my friends are My mom, but it’s it’s about being there with them and listening and responding authentically. So I like this, I like this method. I, I don’t want to just brush the past under the rug, though. And I’ve been in situations where I found it useful to advise clients to write a letter that they’re never going to send to an X that they feel they have unresolved issues with. Do you think that letters to the past have have a place in this process? Or is it more about just looking towards the future?
Tracy Crossley 21:37
Or is there something else you recommend and healing through there? I mean, there’s a quite a few different things that in my work that I do to help people and it’s always backwards and present, because we don’t want to create the future from our past.
Damona 21:52
Right. So so it’s a present letter to this person, just to clarify the letters that you were writing daily. It’s a present Letter to that person, even though you haven’t met them yet,
Tracy Crossley 22:03
right. And it was really about the things on a deeper level that I wanted. I mean, there were some things that were surface level too. But it wasn’t, you have to be this height This way, you have to have this job. I wasn’t like that I made it more about, where’s my connection going to be to this guy, it’s going to be from my heart, because my head should not be in a relationship. romance and your mind really don’t get along when it comes to that. And so I look at it from the perspective of what is the heart one and that was very difficult because I was closed for a long time and I didn’t realize it. I had done all this work on myself. And I thought, No, I’m in a good place. But really, it wasn’t until I got to. I’m not in relationship I am afraid of dating. And I had to go through all the things I feared which to other people may or may not be fearful, but for me it was and so it was really getting to Who am I authentically when it came to dating Being my most authentic self, when I dated
Damona 23:02
What were you afraid of?
Tracy Crossley 23:04
I was actually afraid of being in a relationship. I had been divorced. This is my second marriage. But I had been divorced for a number of years. And I had dysfunctional relationships. I had, you know, my own attachment issues that I had worked through. I call it using the Laboratory of past relationships, and basically experimenting with my own growth through the relationship. So I had a lot to work through. And when I got to that point, about six months out, I had been working for years, but it was that recognition of, Hey, I haven’t really wanted a relationship up until now I’ve been too afraid of that.
Damona 23:44
Hmm. That’s a big moment to acknowledge that acknowledge that fear. And I think probably everyone listening that is wanting a relationship and is not in it right now. There’s, there’s something there’s probably a fear component. attached to some element of dating or being in a relationship, or maybe even being in the wrong relationship and knowing it, and being afraid to leave that. So let’s talk about like healing and moving out of those relationships. You were just about to give me some very juicy, juicy exercises or tips on, on moving out of the past. Maybe it’s writing this letter to to your ex that you never send. What What is it that you recommend for people?
Tracy Crossley 24:35
Well, there’s, I mean, as I started to say before, I went off on a tangent there, but I basically look at it from the perspective of when you look at the past, you want to find where the root of your pain is, whatever your fear is, is attached to some old pain, usually from childhood and what you want to be able to do is know where the root of it is, and you want to feel Your feelings around it as well. Like I have a big thing about feeling your feelings most people are in their heads. Again, your head is not your heart. And so to do the past work, you need to get into your feelings. You need to not be afraid of your feelings. So many people are afraid of them. You have anxiety for a moment, and you’re thinking, I can’t handle this. I don’t want anxiety again. But you can handle it. You can live through it. And it’s not the anxiety that really is going to give you the answers. It’s what’s that past pain. And then as you feel your past pain, you can make a choice, you can make a choice to do something different. But you have to do it and feel it. You can’t just think it because we just think it you’re not really changing anything.
Damona 25:41
Hmm. And many times we end up in what I call snack relationships or just snacking along the way. And we’re full because I mean, we’ve been eating all day, but at the same time we would really like to have a meal actually we really need a meal to sustain ourselves. And you talk about something similar in not settling for bread crumbs. How do you know if you’re even settling for bread crumbs.
Tracy Crossley 26:09
So I have a very easy way of knowing. And that is, if it feels like hard work, and it’s not easy on any level, you are in a breadcrumb relationship, because you’re always in a state of struggle always wanting more, not having more. And a lot of this, of course comes from inside in your own value. But when you’re looking at that other person as they don’t do enough, they don’t do what I want a list of complaints. You’re basically in a breadcrumb relationship because your needs aren’t being met, first by you, and then by the other person in a healthy relationship. It’s easier. These aren’t even issues that I have in my relationship. I don’t nag at my husband. He’s not nagging at me. It doesn’t mean it’s perfect. But there are not those components of working like a dog to make it happen. Mm hmm.
Damona 27:00
What about those people who are dating, they’re not even necessarily in a relationship, but they’re just going from date to date to date. Just feeling unsatisfied. I just hear this from so many listeners like, well, I’m out here damona I’m doing the online dating thing, and I’m swiping, but I’m not meeting anybody that’s at my level.
Tracy Crossley 27:23
Right? But see, here’s the thing. First of all, we don’t know the package that it’s going to come in. And a lot of times we think we know, but we’re really going on someone else’s checklist or we’re going on our past. So we’re not really open to what else there is out there. I wasn’t looking for a specific package. I was looking for somebody who was kind, okay, so somebody who’s kind and I’m attracted to that was basically what I was looking for.
Damona 27:50
Tracy, that’s like, that seems like that could be anybody. Like people say to me, I don’t want to lower my exercise. But in a way that’s that’s pretty is that it sounds kind of modest, those expectations, but is it that hard to find someone that is kind?
Tracy Crossley 28:12
Well, because you have to also be able to be kind to yourself to some degree, a lot of us aren’t very kind to ourselves and we’re very judgmental and not accepting. And so when we meet people, we apply those same strategies. Oh, this is wrong with this person that’s wrong with this person. And then we never feel good inside because we’re judging ourselves in the same way. So you have to have some level of self acceptance, that you’re just a flawed human being and that’s okay. We don’t know why we’re here. So nobody is saying to us, will you you need to do this and everybody in the world is agreeing upon it. There’s all sorts of different opinions. There’s all sorts of different subjectivity when it comes to someone’s perception. So why are you needing somebody to be perfect for you? When there’s no such thing you need a human being
Damona 29:00
So glad that you said that I hope all of you are taking notes. Because you just said something extremely profound. First, the acknowledgement that you are flawed because I think we’re all trying and we look at social media, and we’re trying to live up to this idea of perfection. But that when you Okay guys, you don’t get, don’t get, don’t close up on me because I’m about to just repeat something that Tracy said that I really want to make sure you hear. When you are finding something wrong with every other person with every person that you’re dating, you have to stop and look at the way that you’re judging yourself, girl that is that is profound. And that’s something that I think most of us never do it look at like how, what is that self talk that that you’re saying to yourself? And then how are you applying that to someone else?
Tracy Crossley 29:57
Right, because that goes back to the checklist. So When you were saying all the different characteristics someone is looking for, the reason that they are is because of their own shortcomings. Why do you need somebody to, let’s say, earn a certain amount of money? What does that mean to you? Why is there a meaning in it? I’m not saying it’s wrong or it’s bad. It’s where does it come from? A lot of times, it’s some kind of compensation for how you feel about you. Mm hmm.
Damona 30:22
Yeah. And if you feel like I will, I can make that much money. I don’t need someone with that much money because I’m taking care of myself. But some of it is also these societal restrictions, whether it comes from comes from your parents, or it comes from the belief that the man is supposed to be the breadwinner, then then we start filtering things through these really arbitrary social constructs. not to get too esoteric,
Tracy Crossley 30:51
but no, but it’s true. Because the thing is, I noticed that most of us do not know what a sense of well being is. We don’t know how to be happy. Happy inside. And we think that having these attributes in a partner that’s somehow going to make us happy, and it doesn’t, you’ve got to take care of your own happiness and bring that to the relationship rather than you need to make me happy. Mm hmm.
Damona 31:15
Okay, I hope you all are listening and taking notes because this is really profound. We’re talking about New year, new year new you new relationship. What are some things can you give us like maybe one or two exercises that people can do to to get to get set up to bring in the right relationship? This time we talked about writing the letters. I’d love to give people like one more tip to take into dating Sunday that is coming up so that they’re not repeating that same pattern.
Tracy Crossley 31:49
So there’s actually a couple things that come to mind. I mean, I have several but I’ll just start with these two. Number one is you have to be you and everybody says that but nobody really understands what that is. When you are being you, that means you’re not apologizing for you. That means you’re not trying too hard as in, you’re putting in extra effort. You put in enough effort in. In other words, if I want to go out on a date, and I want to wear a certain outfit, it’s because I feel good in it. I’m not thinking Oh, my dates gonna like this. Because if I think my dates gonna like it, and then I go, well, it’s kind of uncomfortable, but I know it looks good, but I don’t feel my best in it, then what am I doing? I am not being true to myself. So there’s all these ways that we show up to dating, where we sort of give ourselves away when we’re not actually taking care of ourselves. So being you is a big one. The other thing is when you go on a date with somebody, you want to focus on how you feel. This is a big one for most people, because most people go on a date and their whole focus is on the date. What’s that person like? What’s that person doing? I don’t like how they park their hair. I don’t like how they choose their food. There’s this critiquing going on, right? And so there’s no connection to the feeling you’re having of, am I enjoying this date? How do I feel without it being a reaction to the other person and what they’re doing? It’s, I’m here to be open, am I being open? Like I would check with myself when I was dating and go, am I being authentic? Or am I trying to get a second date? What am I doing? And then I would dial it back when I realized, Oh, I am trying to get a second date. And I would say something that was meaningful and honest about me to that person at that point. And I would always feel so much better, because I was just being me at that point. And that is so much easier.
Damona 33:38
I I love that you said that and that it’s about how you feel on the day, I was just having this conversation with a client. And she can be very analytical and have a checklist. And I said, let’s put the checklist away and focus on feeling how, just how do you feel when you’re with this person? Let’s not think about the future or mechanics or anything, just that, that feeling. You’ve talked earlier about how people are afraid of their own feelings. And in a way, it’s almost like sometimes we’re afraid of feeling good. And I’ll admit, I even had this experience when I met my husband. And it was so good. And I had been used to such drama. Before that, there’s a part of me that almost was waiting for it to turn bad. Because it was such a foreign feeling of just feeling good. So even just being able to differentiate between like, this feels really comfortable. And this feels like I’m in my head. There are certain people that would trigger those old patterns in you, and others that will let you be more authentic.
Tracy Crossley 34:45
Oh, I think so. I mean, when I met my husband, just to give you an idea, I was also doing online dating, and had been the whole way through when I was writing the letters and before and what’s funny is, I was attracting all these things. Different men, because I realized I was open, I didn’t get a better profile. I didn’t do anything differently, except open myself. And on an energetic level, because we are all human beings were made of energy. There’s just something it’s like when you walk in the room at the party, right? And you can read the room and tell who’s in a bad mood, who’s somebody who’s approachable. It’s that kind of energy that as human beings that we give off, or we can tell things are going on. So when you’re open, it’s different because you’re now experiencing yourself. And you’re not so concerned with, okay, what’s gonna happen to me But anyways, back to I had I think, like six guys. And yeah, it was really funny because it’s not at one time. And it never had been that way before. And one of the funniest things was one of them. I thought, Oh, this guy is really interesting. And then I felt that feeling and that feeling of Oh, if you go down this road with this, dude Here, you are going to be in the kind of relationship you’ve been in before and that this wasn’t my husband. This was some other guy. And it was only through a conversation I had with him. I didn’t even go out on a date with him. And it wasn’t because I was judging him. It was knowing the feeling I was having inside and going. And then and then and no Red Flag Warning.
Damona 36:18
Oh, yeah, that’s something you will pick it up energetically, you will pick up that feeling of this is familiar but familiar in a bad way sometimes. But it could be also familiar in a good way. Like this person makes me feel comfortable, like when I’m around my friends, but just tuning into that can be a big shift. We’ve been talking about some very deep and heavy things. Just logistically, are there good or bad places to go on a first day in your opinion?
Tracy Crossley 36:49
I really don’t think so. Because you mean obviously don’t go to a strip club or something. Like that sort of a you know, I guess if you both are into that, that’s fine. I mean, I’m talking about something where it’s super distracting and you’re not actually paying attention to the other person on a date. Like, I don’t think a great first date is a movie. But that’s my opinion, just because you’re not really learning anything about that person. And I think that that is important when you’re dating because you’re going in the store. You’re trying on the shoes. Oh, these shoes fit great are these shoes are a little tight. And that’s what dating is to me. So how can you tell if you’re distracted?
Damona 37:26
Good point. What if you’re already in a relationship at this point, and you’re just not sure. This is the person for you that this is this is the right relationship right now. Are there things that that our listeners should be doing to assess that?
Tracy Crossley 37:44
So you want to again, pay attention to yourself when I started dating my husband as an example, I realized I was smiling all the time. Okay, that’s unusual for me. When it came to dating or relationships, I was usually in some state drama, some kind of struggle. And I wasn’t struggling, that was one thing. And it felt easy. And I was smiling, I was having fun. I was the biggest goofball I’ve ever been. I mean, I was really
Damona 38:14
me, that’s important, bringing out the humor and the fun side of you.
Tracy Crossley 38:19
And it was really interesting, because I never felt when I was dating my husband that he was judging me and I wasn’t judging him. And that was also different. So those are signs of a healthy relationship. And that’s what you want to look for when you have the drama. And I hear this all the time, because I have a call in where people will ask me questions. And a lot of the questions are trying to take something that’s dysfunctional, and make it functional, but they’re the only one that’s wanting to make it functional. They’re not including like the partner in making it functional. So when you’re starting off there, unless both of you are committed to making the relationship good, you’re probably in a dysfunctional relationship that’s going to remain that way. doesn’t mean you have to remain that way you can do work on yourself. But it’s really knowing that you’re in a healthy relationship. It’s just it’s easy. I don’t know what your experiences, but that’s my experience. It is easy.
Damona 39:12
Yeah. And I’ve told people about that before on the show that I think we’re addicted to that feeling of drama. And it should be easy and it should be a communication based. Like if you are afraid to really express how you feel or you feel like the communication is off like that is a really big red flag. And that’s a lot of the questions we get to is just like, I feel like they don’t understand me or whenever I say something, then it turns into a big to do and it doesn’t mean like that person’s a bad person or you’re a bad person. It’s just like, maybe this isn’t the right match for you right now in your life. And I believe in There being different relationships potentially at different parts of your life, I think there are different matches that there isn’t just one possible match for you. So sometimes you have to just take stock of what you have new year. And, and maybe what you have is not the relationship for this for the, for the immediate future.
Tracy Crossley 40:21
I look at it that way too. And I always tell people, especially again, going back to my own dating story, but what I also share with clients and people that I talked to, it’s a journey. And when you allow it to not have an expiration date, I have to have something by this date, or it has to be in this package, and you allow it to be the journey. every relationship every date always brings you closer to having that healthy relationship. So you want to allow yourself to have experiences that’s another big thing. People do not want to have the experience. They want to either learn it in a book, think about it and go Oh, you know what, I don’t want to do that and then they never go have the experience or They think they know and they don’t go have the experience. But it really is about becoming resilient to disappointment. Allowing yourself and that’s emotional resilience. But allowing yourself those things you grow as a person, you grow as a partner, so that as you’re on that journey, and you finally get to the healthy relationship, you’ve picked up all these tools, and you become more yourself and more available.
Damona 41:23
And then no matter what comes your way, you know how to deal with it. Just like you say, in your podcast, deal with it. What What made you title your podcast, deal with it? So
Tracy Crossley 41:36
So the reason I named it deal with it was my literary agent. I had submitted my book title to her, and it was part of my book title. And then we’ve actually changed the book title. And, but But the thing is, I’m always saying that I will say deal with it. We’re all expletive. We are all screwed up. We are all messed up. We are all in That’s okay. And you can be happy anyway. Because the bottom line is happiness to me is what’s really important. Not being perfect, not trying to be what somebody else thinks you should be. And therefore, if you just deal with the fact that you’re just a flawed human being, okay, so what it becomes not a non issue to me,
Damona 42:22
I say it actually to my daughter all the time, like, you know, she’ll, she’ll be railing against some something went wrong, and I’m like, Okay, now we know that’s the situation now we have to deal with it. Like, we can’t just stay in this state of crisis. We have to take action, and we have to process what’s going on. So I love that you’re doing that on your podcast, and you’re helping people deal with it on a daily basis. We have questions that have come to us from our listeners. They’re trying to deal with it, Tracy. So hopefully you can help them with these questions. All right, first question. Hi damona Hello. The guy I’m seeing still hasn’t officially made me his gf girlfriend yet, nor have I met his family but they do know about me his uncle even calls me his girl. Me and my guy had a Convo as to if I was someone he saw in his future. I asked, Is there a light at the end of the tunnel? Was that the right choice of words? This conversation happened on the phone? I feel like I didn’t get a straight answer out of him. What should I do? So she’s trying to figure out is this is this relationship going somewhere? I would say if she didn’t get the answer that she was looking for. It probably wasn’t the right choice of words at that moment because she didn’t get her answer out of it. How would you recommend she go forward now to get the answer about where this relationship is going?
Tracy Crossley 43:51
Well, okay, so I have a little bit of a different spin. My question to her is, what is she actually communicating to him besides what she said? In other words, when you’re in a relationship with someone, and supposedly other people know about you, in this case, that’s what’s happening. But the problem is, she has confronted him with this. I don’t know how long they’ve been going out. But there’s an expectation. And it doesn’t sound like they’ve been communicating all the way along. Usually in a healthy relationship. You’re talking about this stuff, it’s not that you have to pull it out of a guy to get there. And if you’re having to pull it out of the guy, then you have to ask yourself, how hard am I working at this? And in what she said to him in a healthy relationship? Again, the guy would still answer you, the guy would still be like, oh, what do you mean, or, you know, wanting to elaborate on that so that you guys come to a really, you know, clear communicative point in your relationship. But it just sounds like to me, he’s not completely coming forward. I also think when you put it on the other person to describe what the future is, you’re kind of taking yourself out as a partner, where you’re a partner in this as well. You have the power of choice and you’re just leaving it up to the other person to make all the choices.
Damona 45:05
You’re so so right about that. And it’s, it’s crazy how much power we do give away in relationships. And it sounds to me like this might be a newer relationship that that she is wanting to become something and kind of pushing it in that direction. And maybe also, you know, holiday time tends to bring out that sort of stress and obviously family knows about her but she’s not really sure what the relationship is. And this is a this is a pattern that I’m seeing a lot just culturally of people being in these situation ships and not knowing where they stand. So I it sounds like our advice is if you want the relationship to go somewhere, you have to be brave enough to share that desire for for things to be exclusive and
Tracy Crossley 45:57
be clear because that’s what I think a lot of Women don’t do is that they are hoping they can just hint around or say things and then the guy is going to go Oh, well, here, this is what’s happening.
Damona 46:08
Yeah. Yeah, guys, you’re not you’re not so into the subtlety.
Tracy Crossley 46:12
Now. And the thing is, when you really are taking care of yourself, you’re going to ask as a direct question, because again, you have a choice in it. So if you’re asking, Hey, where do you think this relationship is at right now? Like right now, not in the future, because a lot of times we get caught up in what’s going to happen in the future that causes anxiety, it causes pressure, and it starts to drive a wedge in the relationship anyways, but it’s to be clear where you are now Hey, where do you feel like this is headed right now? What? What is going on with you because I know where I am. And this is where I am. Right? And then you can make a choice. Otherwise, you’re sort of in this Limbo land, waiting for somebody to come up with something. Well, maybe if I manipulate him this way, he’ll give me the answer I want meaning maybe I’ll be really nice or I’ll do something special. And then he’ll go oh my god, I can’t live without you. I want to be with you the rest of my life. But that’s all manipulation. And that’s not really being true to yourself either.
Damona 47:06
Mm hmm. That’s great advice. That’s great advice. And I’ve done the other. Go, I have to. It doesn’t work, y’all. Okay. This is someone that that seems to have a little bit more clarity in communication, but still not going the way that she wants. This woman says, My fiance wants to get a gym membership, but only for him, which I don’t approve of New Year everybody’s thinking, fitness. Right? Well, here’s why she says I’m having doubts about it because last time he ended up flirting with his personal trainer. I had her blocked on his social media and blocked her number from texting him. I don’t understand why he needs a female personal trainer and not a male. Am I wrong to be concerned? Should I let him go alone to the gym? A big trust Yeah, trust issue here.
Tracy Crossley 47:56
Yeah, and control and the thing is when you are trying to control Your partner, you are in a losing battle, you’re in a struggle that you’re going to be in the rest of your life, because it’s probably not just that. So let’s say that he doesn’t join the gym without her, then he may do something else. And she’ll have the same issue, she’ll find an issue somewhere else. It’s like when women get into this place, and I’ve had clients do this where they meet somebody, and then they have a time limit, well, it’s been six months, or it’s been a year we should move in together. And then if it’s not happening in that time, then they’re upset and they’re focused on that. And then it happens. And then it’s like, okay, when are we getting married? So it’s, it’s always shifting that focus. And the truth is, either you’re going to be able to trust your partner is committed to you or not. And then if not, you gotta ask yourself, why am I in a relationship with someone that I don’t feel as committed? And then asking yourself, Am I committed? So if this guy is committed, and he’s he’s saying her fiance so
Tracy Crossley 48:49
the committed to something? Well,
Tracy Crossley 48:51
yeah, words are wonderful, but it’s really about Is he really emotionally committed? I’m not saying he is or he isn’t. Okay? Because We don’t know. We’re not that it’s her perception of him and what he does when he’s not with her. So he could be flirting with somebody at the grocery store. He could be flirting everywhere he goes. But that’s neither here nor there. It goes back to how uncomfortable Are you in trying to control what he does or doesn’t do
Damona 49:18
it? It’ll make you crazy. If you’re, if you’re worried about every place, he goes, who he’s going to be talking to, it will literally make you crazy.
Tracy Crossley 49:27
Yes. And that’s why why do it? Well, now you might be attached, maybe you’re afraid of losing him. And I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have any fear of losing somebody, but you want to be with somebody because you love them and because you feel good. But this doesn’t sound like it feels good. And so you don’t want to be controlling him. You’re going to need to let go of that outcome and let him do what he does. And if he ends up disappointing you, if he ends up having another female trainer or what have you, then you got to make a choice. At that point. Do I want to be with somebody who makes these kinds of choices? Or not. And it’s pretty much that because it doesn’t sound like you’re going to be able to change him. And one other thing, he probably is in a state of rebellion on some level, if he feels that you’re trying to be his parent here.
Damona 50:13
Yeah, that definitely happens. Nobody wants to be controlled and and then when you get resistance, then you push back. Even harder. It sounds like, we’re just gonna have to deal with it. We’re gonna have to rip the band aid off and deal with it, just as Tracy does on her podcast, deal with it. Make sure you check that out. We’ll put the link in the show notes. And you can also find Tracy on Facebook at transformative coach and on Twitter @TracyCrossley, Again, that’ll be in the show notes for you. And also, if you’re ready for a change in the way that you move into relationships, maybe you need an insecure attachment cleanse, so you can do that 30 day program with Tracy, thanks so much for being here.
Tracy Crossley 51:00
Well, thank you for having me. This has been great. I’ve really enjoyed it.
Damona 51:03
Before we wrap this up, I need to talk to you all about something. It’s been a while since we’ve done a de monas diatribe, because there’s a lot to say about this. There’s been controversy about this topic. All right. There is this convention happening in Orlando on May 1. If you got nothing better to do, you should go to the 22 convention, which media has affectionately referred to as the mansplaining convention? It’s being put on by a guy on Twitter called beach muscles, who calls himself the president of the manosphere. Obviously, I was joking, you should not go to this conference. But if you want to know what you would get for the low, low price of $2,000, you can sit in a convention center in Orlando, while men mansplain femininity to you. It’ll cover topics like feminism versus femininity, getting pregnant, being wiped up and getting fit because he says women’s health is in a major crisis today. Don’t believe the hype ladies do not buy into this idea that you have to change Who you are to become more dateable. It’s 2020. You can be a boss and still be a lady. You can choose if you want to have kids or not. You can delay marriage until you get your career together or skip it entirely. And you can be beautiful in
Tracy Crossley 52:13
any
Damona 52:14
body. Thanks for the help beach muscles. But no thanks. I think ladies are doing pretty damn great just as they are right now. I’m sorry, I got a little worked up producer Leah.
Leah Schell 52:26
But now this is a topic that deserves such a response.
Damona 52:31
I cannot believe that in this day and age. He thinks that he has the right to come into a convention to create a convention for women to teach women how to be women.
Leah Schell 52:42
Also, I want to know who’s buying these tickets like I can’t
Damona 52:45
I can’t even believe that this thing exists. And of course it’s getting tons of press. So I just had to throw my two cents into it and say Don’t even think about doing this workshop. But if you want to do an actual workshop That will help you please join me for why dating apps won’t work for you. It’s a virtual free webinar for anyone men and women I don’t discriminate, and you can sign up. Sign up at thedatingsecret.com and keep coming back to dates and mates. I’ll keep giving your love life a boost all throughout the year. We will put all the links from today’s show in the show notes at dates and mates calm and we’ll also show you how you can get a hold of Tracy Crossley my amazing guest for today’s show. Also, if you are really ready to get started and date differently in 2020, the 30 day dating playbook could be your solution. I’ve taken the five steps to find your match that have worked for hundreds of my clients. over the many years I’ve been coaching and created an easy to follow 30 day program that will lead you to the love that you deserve all before Valentine’s Day. You can find out more at 30 day dating calm and again that link will be in the show notes at dates and mates calm as well. I hope you enjoyed episode. 291 of dates and mates. Again, I’m at damona Hoffman on all the socials. Please join in the conversation. Send me your questions for future episodes and share this episode with a friend. Until next week, I wish you happy dating
Master Class: How to Change Bad Dating Habits
HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVERS!
Do you want to make a change this year? Are you looking to commit to your dating goals?
If so, you need to stop operating by the old rules of dating.
Many people who come to me for dating help are stuck in negative dating patterns that have become ingrained and familiar because they do it the same way over and over again.
BAD DATING HABITS & HOW TO FIX THEM (2:30)
Just like your fitness and wellness routines, dating requires the same dedication to positive habits for the best results.
Take 10 minutes today to start building better habits for you and your future life partner!
WANT MORE SUPPORT?
I’ll be doing a webinar called “Why Dating Apps Don’t Work For You”
on Thursday, January 9th!
In this FREE coaching call, I will go into detail on how you can finally make the dating apps work in your favor for 2020.
CLICK HERE TO REGISTER!
If you are ready to date differently in 2020 but you don’t know how to get started – The 30 Day Dating Playbook could be your solution!
I’ve taken the 5 steps to find your match that have worked for hundreds of clients over the many years I’ve been coaching and created an easy to follow 30 day program that will lead you towards the love you deserve.
CLICK HERE TO START TODAY!
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:01
Hey lovers, today we’re going to talk about something that is really integral to my practice as a dating coach, how to develop better habits and dating, and the rules and you know what I mean? I mean the new rules for finding love. When I was thinking about this topic, and the best way to share this info, I realized that y’all love master classes. I got so many emails thanking me for the master class that I gave on dating app do’s and don’ts and I’m glad that I finally got you all off of that set it and forget it profile technique. And then when I released the masterclass on first dates, I remember one listener wrote to me and said that he had never in his life considered a picnic on a first date. And you know, who got a second date, and a third, and then a fourth date. That guy and my masterclass on how to meet your match has been one of my most popular episodes of dates and mates to date. So Really, this seems to be the best format to share one of the most important aspects of dating today. Now, I present to you my masterclass on the most common bad dating habits and how to rewrite your rules on love.
Intro 1:17
Damona 1:29
A lot of times I see daters operating by old dating rules in this new and rapidly changing dating environment. Many people who come to me for dating help are stuck in what my 30 day dating playbook participants know to be a samskaara. So samskaara is a pattern. It’s something that becomes ingrained and familiar because you do it the same way. Over and over again, there are positive some scars like the exercise routine that you commit to. But then there are also negative some scars that hold you back and cause you to keep reliving the past and attracting the same thing that you don’t want into your life again and again and again. And today, I want to talk about a few of the most common bad dating habits, these negative some scars, and how to fix them. And if you hear something that resonates for you, I want you to know that the purpose of this episode is not to shame you. We all have patterns in our lives that are not serving us, that needs to be changed. But the first step in even solving the problem is recognizing the problem. And then the next step is putting a plan in action to change it. So today, I hope that you hear something that makes you feel like I am talking directly to you. And I hope you will accept my challenge today to do something about it. And at the end of the episode, I’ll tell you how I can continue to support you on making this change even after the episode ends. So get your pen and paper ready, because dates and mates masterclass is about to begin, and I’m going to share with you the most common bad dating habits and how to fix them right after this. Welcome back to dates and mates for this masterclass on the eight most common bad dating habits but don’t worry. I’ll also be telling you how to fix them.
Number one, ghosting. Look. No one wants to be ghosted, but almost everyone does it. And then we make excuses for why that other person didn’t deserve our time or the respect of a real response. So here’s the bottom line. If you’re tired of getting ghosted, the first thing I asked you to do is to see where you are ghosting in your Your own life. It might just be in work emails that you don’t deem important enough to reply to. Or it could be in messages from dudes online that you think are unattractive. Here’s the fix. When you treat others with respect in all settings, you will find that you encourage those around you to rise up to your level of respect. And you will communicate more effectively so that you don’t get left in that void of ghosting.
Number two obliga swiping. If you haven’t heard this term before, I covered it a couple years ago on the show, but since then it’s become an epidemic. obliga swiping is when you have a dating app installed on your phone right now that you hate that maybe you’ve never had a date from Or that you just go on and start swiping for the momentary ego boost or the boredom blocker. But if you’re swiping without any intention behind it, you’re not only obliga swiping, you are wasting your time and depleting your energy for dating. So here’s the fix, delete any app that is not bringing you joy or quality dates, and then focus on swiping only for people, you actually could see yourself dating, and make it your point not to go for high volume of matches, but instead to make a real connection and move from the app to a real date. Third, we have first date fails, and there are a few of them. First, no pre dating. People tell me that they’re going on tons of first dates that are hours and hours long, but not connecting with anyone. Most of these people that talk to me have had very limited contact with the person predate only over text and then they feel guilty. Leaving once they’re there, don’t waste your time or anyone else’s. I highly recommend the pre date call. So here’s the fix for this one, just 10 minutes on the phone could save you two to three hours and hundreds of dollars in person. The next predate fail is not showing up your best. Often this comes from burnout or the idea that you don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard. So many people are setting dates without trying at all. I had a client Tell me on a recent date that a recent date of her showed up in a track suit because he wanted to fit in a workout right before the date. Okay, here’s the fix. You don’t get a second chance to make a first impression. So put yourself together the way you want to be seen every single time. All right, we talked about this in the intro but the set it and forget it profile. People tell me that they’re frustrated with dating apps and then I find that their profile and the photos that they’re using are five years old, and they haven’t even read their own profile in months or even years. Your profile is a living document. It changes as you also change as Time marches on. And your profile should always be a reflection of your current self. And your current relationship goals. The fix, refresh it every one to two months. Not only will it be an accurate reflection of who you are, but also what you’re looking for. Plus, it will boost you to the top of the algorithm for people who are searching for someone just like you. Then there’s the texting trap. Texting is not a chemistry builder. It’s chemistry blocker. Yeah, most people think that they should spend a lot of time texting someone before they meet up so they can build a rapport. But what happens when you build a connection and then you finally meet and discover that the person doesn’t look the way you imagined or that their banter in person is far less clever that it was on a screen. You were caught in the texting trap. There’s a fix. You can’t thoroughly vet a match via text, either set a phone call as discussed before, or move offline quickly. So you can see if what you have in writing sustains in person. Then there’s this bad dating habit, being afraid of starting over. I can’t tell you how many listeners of the show tell me that they know they’re in the wrong relationship. But they don’t want to break up because they’re afraid of starting over. If this is your issue, here’s the fix. Think of it this way. It’s your destiny to find the person who’s your best possible match just as it’s your partner’s destiny to be with theirs. And if you’re staying together out of convenience or fear of being alone, you’re blocking two people from their destiny. The next bad dating habit is negative self talk. This is a big one. What is that phrase that’s playing in your mind over and over again about why you’re still single. A major element that could be blocking you from Happiness is your own mind. negative self talk, whether it’s about who you are or what you have to offer in a relationship. Or if it’s about the matches you’re meeting. It isn’t doing you any favors. Here’s the fix. Start with rewriting your mental mantra about love. As corny as it sounds. The more you repeat it, the more you will believe it. And put the negative mantra to bed so you can see the reality and the possibilities before you.
Next bad dating habit, lack of a plan, who this one is huge. Are you buying into the myth that love is meant to find you that romance shouldn’t involve any planning or preparation, it should just magically happen? Well, you’re wrong. I’ve been coaching singles and finding love for nearly 15 years. And time and time again, I find that when people put a plan in place, the same way that they plan for everything else in their life that they are successful at. They get what they want. Here’s the fix, get into a program, get an accountability partner, do something proactive to find love, and see if that changes the outcome for you. Speaking of a plan, if you’re ready to date differently in 2020, but you don’t know how to get started, then the 30 day dating playbook could be your solution. I’ve taken the five steps to find your match that have worked for hundreds of clients. over the many years that I’ve been coaching, and created an easy to follow 30 day program that will lead you towards the love you deserve. I’ll put the link to the 30 day dating playbook in the show notes. But if you have questions about how it works, and about why you haven’t been able to find your dream match yet on your own, I’ll be doing a webinar called why dating apps don’t work for you on Thursday, January You can register for that at the dating secret.com that’s t h e dating secret.com and that link will also be in the show notes. Thank you so much for joining me for Episode 290 of dates and mates the last one I’m 2019 please send me your questions. Any dating or relationship question anything that’s on your mind. You can reach me at Damona Hoffman on all the socials. Or you can leave me a voicemail and of course your question can always remain anonymous if you would like for it to. We know the holidays can be tough for dating and relationships so there will be no break no winter hiatus for us your dates and mates. We will be back again next week with a regular episode. We’re talking with dating and relationship expert Tracy Crossley. I can’t wait for you to hear that episode. She has so much deep transformational work that We’ll be talking about and I know it will be super valuable for you. Thank you so much for listening. I wish you a Happy New Year and as always, happy dating.
Dear Damona: DTR Conversation & Dating Dry Spell
CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP!
Happy holidays, Lovers!
If you’re anything like us, you both love and loathe this time of year. It’s a time to connect with loved ones but it’s also a time of major stress. Which gifts to get, who to spend the holidays with, how to bring in the new year and when you add being single to the mix that adds a whole layer of anxiety and stress for many of our listeners and maybe for you, too.
But we want you to remember that we’re here to help you at all times of year and when the going gets tough we’re not taking a break. We’re doubling down!
So this week we’re answering some listener questions!
DEAR DAMONA
Can you date someone who doesn’t share your political values?
Hi Damona, I have a dilemma. I’ve been dating a white guy for about 3 months. Last Saturday we had a conversation about politics and he has opposite viewpoints on subjects like immigration and border politics (topics that are dear to me). Since our conversation, I am completely taken aback and haven’t answered his texts because I honestly feel like i can’t date someone who doesn’t share my values or ideas. What do I do?
How do you start to date after a 6-year dry period?
I’ve been single since I was 19 and I’m now 30. In that time I’ve hooked up with one guy once when I was 20 and then another guy that I like a lot but it didn’t work out for maybe once a year from when I was 22. Altogether, I haven’t had sex for 6 years. I would like to get back out there but I think right now I’m dealing with a mix of fear and because I’ve been self partnered for so long I don’t have the desire to really deal with having to consider someone else. How do I deal with getting over this fear and getting back into dating?
How to be better at texting?
I’m so bad at texting. I wish I knew how to text a woman to make her more interested in going out with me. I seem to always have the opposite effect.
Do you think men and women, who used to date, can be friends?
When should I have the DTR conversation and how should I do it? I’ve been going out with a guy for a little over a month that I met through Bumble.
How should I feel about my new bf having a preplanned 2 week trip to Mexico in January with an ex? They are going to a wedding from someone in her family. He stressed that she’s just a friend and a lot like a sister. He could tell I wasn’t happy but I told him that I don’t have a reason to not trust him since this is new. Did I do the right thing?
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona
Happy Holidays, Loves! If you’re anything like me you both love and load this time of year. It’s a time to connect with loved ones, but also a time of major stress, which gifts to get, who to spend the holidays with, who to bring with you to holiday events, how to bring in the new year. And when you add the anxiety and the stress of being single to the mix, that adds a whole other layer for many of my listeners, and maybe for you too. But I want you to remember that I’m here to help you at all times of year and when the going gets tough. I’m not taking a break. I’m doubling down. And maybe to the dismay of producer Leah over here who’s been busting her buns to make this show for you every week. I’m still going to give you shows all throughout the holidays. How are you hanging in there?
Leah Schell 0:57
Honestly though, I’m having fun. I love doing Dates me.
Damona 1:02
Oh gosh, this show’s loving you. And honestly, you guys, I just have to give credit to Leah. She doesn’t know I’m going to say this but I just have to give all the credit because she is the reason that this show gets to you every week on time when you need it. She’s the one that helps me funnel all the questions that you send. She brings so much so much joy to this show. She brings so much heart and I just really have to say this holiday season how grateful I am. Oh my god. I’m like, I’m like blushing over here. So I don’t make my show before I get all teary eyed but I I really just do appreciate Leah. So maybe give her a little shout out when you comment on this episode The next time please. Thank you. And I also just want to shout out I had the great pleasure of meeting one of our longtime listeners, Catherine Hey girl you out there. Catherine recognize me out in about an La and we had a good long talk about her love situation. And honestly, I left feeling really excited for her. And for the possibilities that lay ahead, not just because she’s listening to the show, obviously I love that but because she’s really walking the walk, she’s hired a matchmaker, she works on herself care. She’s on dating apps, and she’s showing up in a big way for herself and for her relationship future. And that’s what it takes to make a change. First, you get clarity on what you want, and then you show up, and then you keep showing up, no matter how dire your dating or relationship challenge seems for you right now. It will shift if you put in the effort to make it shift. And that is a wonderful thing. I have one of my former clients who was expecting her first baby. I have another client who was in a new relationship. I have someone from my 30 day dating playbook program, who let me know she’s celebrating her her second anniversary this month. And I want all of that for all of you that are listening to this podcast right now. And if you’re ready to make a change for the new year, I will, I will tell you about how you can join my upcoming free webinar on changing bad dating patterns, and how you can get live coaching from me at the end of the show. And for you overachievers that already know you want to be in that you can go right now to the show, show notes and sign up. But first, I want to address your questions so many of your questions have been submitted this fall and every once in a while we like to do a special episode dedicated to you and dedicated to giving you the advice in love that you need. So without further ado, I bring you
Leah Schell 3:43
Dear damona What does his text me so frustrated? He’s just not that intonation. I’ve always been battle. I’m ready for miracles.
Damona 3:57
Modern love Made Simple. This is day two. mates with damona Hoffman. So producer Leah has been cataloging your recent questions. And Leah, I want to hear what is on everyone’s mind.
Leah Schell 4:10
First we have a question from Instagram. She says, Hi damona I have a dilemma. I’ve been dating a white guy for about three months. Last Saturday, we had a conversation about politics, and he has opposite views on subjects like Immigration and Border politics or topics that are near and dear to me. Since our conversation, I am completely taken aback and haven’t answered his tax because I honestly feel like I can’t date someone who doesn’t share my values or ideas. What do I do?
Damona 4:38
Ooh, ciao. This is this is complicated. Obviously, you guys know I come from a cross cultural cross religious background. We just talked about that last week. But at the same time, I’ve been coaching people on navigating cross cultural challenges for the last How long have I been doing this? 15 years and I What I’ve seen is a big shift towards politics. Being a bigger source of contention and relationship, frustration than race, religion, anything that used to be such a major divisive issue. And the data really supports this. Now we are divided on political issues. We are divided on things like immigration. And I have to say it’s not something to be taken lightly. You know, I’m super optimistic. I’m going to show I believe that many relationship challenges can be worked through with communication. But I wonder if this challenge speaks to a fundamental difference in value systems, and the way that you look at the world, which you also know if you listen to the show regularly, that’s one of the major tenants of long term compatibility, shared values and I don’t know specifically what the fight ended up being about or this heated conversation. But if you’re feeling like you are really diametrically opposed on different sides where you can even have a conversation about these issues and come to some sort of an understanding, you don’t have to agree on everything. But you just have to have enough space to understand the other person’s point of view, and to be able to accept and allow that their experience is different than yours. Their perspective is different than yours. And that’s okay. You can each hold one on one another’s point of view in consideration, while also still strongly believing in what you believe. here’s the here’s the answer. Is there a way to move forward with this? It’s been about three months. Yes, there is a way to move forward. This is where the going gets tough. I find relationships work in threes. You’ve heard me talk about my three date rule. You need to decide, wait until the third day to decide if someone is worth investing more time. And I also find that at three months, that is when most relationships either take off or fizzle out. Because this is when you’re really being yourself. This is now he’s letting down his guard, he is being authentically the person that he is. And he’s sharing with you his authentic thoughts, which, in a way requires a lot of vulnerability and especially at a time when we know it’s so divisive. The fact that he wants to share that with you does speak well of his his trust in you to be able to share that perspective. However, if you’re at the point where you cannot see his point of view, and you feel that his point of view is somehow challenging your own, then that is a major here A major turning point in the relationship and you have to decide if you play this relationship done in down the road, three months, six more months a year. Could you be a part of this person’s world? Could you be a part of their family if you decided you wanted to move forward with long term partnership or marriage, or maybe having children. And so these are the tough conversations that need to be drawn out. The difference in opinion itself is not enough to spell the end of the relationship. It’s how you deal with that information once it comes out. And how he deals with it and whether you can still communicate through the difference in opinion produce really good you have anything else you’re a Texan. So I imagine you deal with
Leah Schell 8:43
Yeah, actually it says like this a lot. Yeah, this reminded me of my first like long term relationship. In college. I come from a like a very, very conservative background, being from Texas and I think like when I started college, like my friends litical views were like really like opposite of what they are now. And the guy that I dated, he was very, very liberal. And like, it was like a whole like four year relationship of like him, teaching me and just like exposing me to like different, like political points of view. And dude, thank you, if you’re listening to this for like teaching me all those things and putting in all that effort, it must have been awful. But even though that, like relationship didn’t end up working in the end, like I know that, like, you can definitely, like, have conversations and like teach people about your point of view. And, like, it doesn’t have to be the end of the race relationship. But
Damona 9:42
did he come at you like, my perspective is right. And let me show you the way.
Leah Schell 9:49
Yeah, I mean, you know, we were in college and very politically active and so like, there were lots of really heated arguments. But I feel like the times that were most impactful to me It was just more through like actions, not words. And that makes sense. I don’t know exactly how to explain it. But it was more just like three experiences and just like showing me exactly what his life is like, well, and we form our opinions based on our experiences.
Damona 10:17
So sometimes someone might have one perspective, because that’s what your parents told you, or that’s what you’ve experienced. Right? And if you’re in the right partnership, it should open up your horizons, right? Total. I mean, my politics haven’t really shifted. But I’ll say one thing I really appreciate about my husband is he’s he is able to consider someone else’s point of view, even if it is 180 degrees opposite his own. Right. And I, I really appreciate that and I’m working to can you guys see how hard I’m working here. I’m working to be able to understand that and not not automatically shut down the conversation because that’s what we’re doing right now. No and in love, but also just in life. We’re just shutting down the conversation. And that’s pushing us all further apart. So this is a invitation for deeper discussion. Yeah, totally. More questions, more questions. What else is in the hopper?
Leah Schell 11:15
More questions? Okay. This one also comes from Instagram. She says, I’ve been single since I was 19. And I’m now 30. And that time, I’ve hooked up with one guy once when I was 20. And then another guy that I like a lot, but it didn’t work out with for maybe once a year from when I was 22. altogether. I haven’t had sex in six years.
Unknown Speaker 11:35
I was a lot of years. So a lot of years.
Leah Schell 11:38
I would like to get back out there, but I think I know I’m dealing with a mix of fear because I’ve been self partnered for so long, and I don’t have the desire to really deal with having to consider somebody else. How do I deal with getting over this fear and getting back into dating? I like this to use all partnered.
Damona 11:56
Yeah, thank you for it. Maybe we inspired you When we were talking about Emma Watson being self partner to use that term, or maybe that’s a term that you’ve used for a lot, but a long time, but I first want to just acknowledge her bravery and vulnerability with even asking this question. I know there are a lot of people listening right now that are dealing with some challenges like this and some things that they might have embarrassment over like not having sex for six years, some for some people, that’s a source of source of embarrassment and not being able to share that with anyone you know, you might not even be able to talk to your best friends about that. So first, I just want to say thank you for sharing that with me and with my audience, anonymously, of course, because that’s the first step in changing patterns or in getting help is just acknowledging what your story is, what your situation is, and then learning how to move through it. So thanks for your bravery with that. Yeah, girl, that’s a long time to be celibate. And in some respects, it sounds like not celibate by choice. I really want to focus in on the part where she’s talking about being self partnered for so long, that she doesn’t have the desire to really deal with having to consider someone else. Again, this person is extremely self aware, because she already knows what the challenges for her. And I have a lot of clients, particularly clients that are out of long term relationships or that are older, that have their life set and have their social circle sad have their patterns and beliefs and behavior set. And they want someone to just fit into the groove. It’s like these are the holes in my life. I want you to be available. At this time. I want you to believe these things. I don’t want you to require too much extra time for me and I want you to enjoy the same things that I enjoy doing. And that’s a really tall order. That’s very hard to To find someone that just fits and meshes with your life. So I’m glad that she’s acknowledging that. But I have to say, if you don’t want to deal with having to consider someone else, you are choosing to stay in a static point of your life, you are choosing to stay there. And, yes, you could have sex, you could probably go online right now and have sex with somebody tonight if you wanted to. But that’s not really what you’re looking for. And I also appreciate that she acknowledges that she has this fear of getting back into dating. But you have to just start at some point you have to start and you have to be willing to expand your life. And I wouldn’t think of it as not wanting to deal with considering someone else. It is a joy to consider someone else and I do hear this a lot like I don’t have to tell someone where I’m coming and going. I, I was super independent person, but the fact that somebody cares, where I’m going to be at a certain time that someone is expecting me to be somewhere or to, to, to communicate with them, or to consider them in my actions is actually a real gift. And that’s an opportunity for growth and for expansion of your life. Think of all the things that this potential partner that you haven’t met, could actually bring into your life could teach, you could could expand your world over. So when you look at it that way, maybe you’re actually depriving yourself of an opportunity. And it’s not about this considering someone else. Or Or maybe it’s the history that you’ve had in the past with relationships, that is making you feel like it’s going to be repeating that again, but it doesn’t happen. You’re rewriting the rules of your life and the rules of your love life. This is your opportunity to do it again and do it differently. So do it mindfully and do it with the intention of having your world get bigger. Instead of keeping your world in the same in the status quo. Don’t stay in stasis, stay in a period of change. More questions, more questions, questions before the break.
Leah Schell 16:25
Okay, cool. One more question from Instagram from a guy. He says I’m so bad at texting. I wish I knew how to text a woman to make her more interested in going out with me. I seem to always have the opposite effect.
Damona 16:38
Oh my gosh, texting. That’s a whole other thing. I feel like I should run the texting trap again as a webinar.
Leah Schell 16:48
Yeah, we get a lot of questions about texting. Do
Damona 16:50
we get a lot of questions about texting? Look, texting is not a natural state of communication. I know for many of my listeners, That that grew up on phones. It It is because that’s all you’ve known. But when you really think about it, it’s a very new mode of communication. And it’s very specific, short form, short form volleys back and forth with emojis, and gifts and stickers and what it means emoji all these. There’s just all of these mood modifiers you’ve had me heard me talk about how adding things like emojis can change the context. But the I’ll just give you the basic rules of texting and then I will do a whole episode on texting. Feel like I had an episode until I have Oh, how to communicate go back to last season and episode on how to communicate. But I’ll give you the cliff notes. Don’t write too much, you’re probably writing too much and these tax if you’re, if you’re meeting women online and then you’re moving into the tax And she seemed interested in all of a sudden she’s not you have said something that made her run away so you’ve probably said too much or you’ve said something the wrong way and she didn’t know how to interpret it. So keep it short and sweet. overtaxed definitely use an emoji. Not a whole. Not like my kids do a home run of emojis. I don’t like that too. It’s the cutie what is that my granddaddy, your granddaddy? Oh my gosh, that’s, that’s both charming and frightening at the same time. But just one emoji can be very effective to to state your intention because when you’re communicating with someone face to face, you have all of these other inputs of information, you have their intonation, you have their facial expressions, you have their body language, you have so much more to tell you what that person means by it. But when we’re talking about text that’s all stripped away. So first, I would just shorten shorten your texts and try to get offline more quickly. Don’t try to build a report over text because that is something that is really a learned skill and try an emoji or two, but don’t go overboard with it.
Leah Schell 19:14
I have a questions kind of related to this. More recently, I’ve seen kind of a trend towards doing like voice messages like sending like an actual voice instead of text. Like, what do you think about that? Especially like in the early stages of dating?
Damona 19:30
It’s funny you would say that because many times when people DM me on Instagram, I respond with a voice message. And everybody like freaks. Oh my god, it’s really you you’re actually sending but sometimes for me, just because I’m used to communicating verbally, sometimes it’s easier and sometimes I think my message is clear. If I actually leave the voice message because they can hear how I’m intending To say what I’m saying. Sometimes I don’t love receiving voice messages personally because if I’m with my kids, I can’t always listen to it right? But I think it’s it can be a good way. Then you at least have intonation you have another layer. So I think that’s that’s a good point. Leah. Adding voice to the mix. I wouldn’t do every one a voice message but adding it to the mixed mix maybe with it the animal Geez.
Leah Schell 20:28
Yeah. Don’t do the animal
Damona 20:30
Jesus to hear the technology hasn’t caught up.
Leah Schell 20:33
Especially not the owl. Don’t do that. Don’t do the owl.
Damona 20:36
But yeah, I think a voice message short voice message can be very effective in building rapport, particularly before you’ve met. Because sometimes it’s like I just need to hear their voice and know their real person and really hear what they sound like to feel that connection. Look at you, Junior dating coach. I love it. Can we do one more before the break? Yeah. Of course,
Leah Schell 21:01
um, this one. She says Hi, damona I love listening to your podcast. Thank you. I have a question. Do you think men and women who used to date can be friends,
Damona 21:12
too? I think men and women who used to date can be friends. Yeah. I’m friends with pretty much all of my exes. That’s awesome. I mean, so I’m not in touch with someone like Facebook friends with but um, it’s really important to set up what the boundaries and the rules are of the relationship so that it’s clear you’re not going to whoops a daisy catch feelings and end up in a weird situation ship again. But absolutely, I think men and women can be friends and I have a ton of guy friends that are platonic and always have been. And I think I’m just the fact that used to date someone that doesn’t necessarily say You are still attracted to them. That just means that at some point in your life, you felt a connection and it’s very common. I mean, how many axes do all of us have? It’s very common for you to confuse that feeling of I like this person. I enjoy their company. I find them funny I find them to be intelligent. We like the same things whatever with I should date this person. Yeah, so to answer a broader question with a real specific answer,
Unknown Speaker 22:27
yeah, I don’t
Leah Schell 22:29
think it speaks to like the maturity of somebody who can be friends with their exes. I
Damona 22:36
What, are you calling me old? No, no,
Leah Schell 22:39
I’m calling myself image here just because I I don’t know the relationship though
Damona 22:45
right
Leah Schell 22:46
now. Okay. I definitely know that I’m 100% at fault in this situation. That’s why I’m willing to admit it or not like at fault, but I know that I was being immature. I was just like, Oh, never talked to me again and moving to California by like, you know,
Damona 22:59
over time. Again, sort of,
Leah Schell 23:02
but yeah, like, just like we’re not friends like 100% not friends. So like, but that was something that I just decided, um, and I think it was a really immature decision. So,
Damona 23:16
but sometimes that’s what you need. Sometimes you need to close the door. Yeah. First completely close it, shut it lock it. Like most of my exes that I’m friends with now there was a period where I was like, please don’t talk to me, right? Yeah, where you have to get distance from it. And then the next time you see them, you’re like, Oh, I don’t feel anything anymore.
Leah Schell 23:35
Right? Yeah, I totally can see that. But like in that situation. Did you leave the possibility open for them to be friends with you? in the future? in the future?
Damona 23:43
Yeah, but I would say right now. Not a good time. Right.
Unknown Speaker 23:49
Right. Yeah.
Damona 23:50
Yeah. So I feel like in general, though, do you think men and women can can be used today can be friends? And yeah, absolutely.
Leah Schell 23:58
Totally. Just don’t What I did
Damona 24:02
if you learn nothing else from the show, no, I, we all look, we all have these experiences that teach us how to be better in relationships. If you have the missteps, then you wouldn’t have the the, the learning that you need rate continue to evolve and relationships. So that’s true. We are continuing to evolve and we are continuing this show after the break. I just want to thank the longtime listeners and supporters of dates and maids. And even though it’s holiday time, like I said, we will continue to make these episodes for you because I know your love life doesn’t stop just because the holidays are here. And if you’re starting to take stock of your year and make plans for 2020 about how you want to date differently, we should talk and that’s why I am doing a webinar on January 9. It is called why online dating doesn’t work for you. And I will be doing a presentation plus a live coaching and q&a. At the end so if you have a dating dilemma that you want to talk to me about live, this is your chance to live, live, live, live live, and you will get free coaching from me on your specific problem should you be brave enough to share it and join me? You don’t have to ask a question you can just come for the presentation and figure out why online dating doesn’t work for you. and sign up at the dating secret.com that’s th e dating secret.com and I will spill all of my dating secrets with you. The link will also be in the show notes and on our blog at dates and mates. com We have more dates and mates coming up. I want you to stick around for more questions from our listeners including how to have the DTR conversation. All that and so much more right after this. lovers, we’re back you asked I answered and there’s more dear damona Producer Leah, what else you have in the hopper?
Leah Schell 25:58
Okay, this one is from an email. She says, I’ve been going out with a guy for a little over. I’ve been going out with a guy for a little over a month that I met through Bumble. When should I have the DTR conversation? And how should I do it?
Damona 26:16
This is a big question, Leah, because it’s different for everybody. There is no set time that you need to like, Oh, it’s five o’clock on on January 1, and we haven’t had the DTR conversation and we have to do it now. That is a recipe for disaster. You have to feel out where you are in the relationship. Does it feel like you’re moving towards exclusivity? Are you seeing each other more than once a week? Are you having conversations about the future? Are you feeling like you don’t want to be swiping online, this happens a lot of times to my clients. They’ll get in the program. And then within I don’t know four Five weeks, they are dating someone that they want to be exclusive with. And then they think, wait, it happened so fast. Maybe I should go back and date more people. But like the idea now that I have a burden hand, and I really like this person, the idea of going back and swiping feels exhausting, and it feels like you can’t focus on the person in front of you. And it just feels if swiping Do you feels on, appealing, uninspiring because of this person that you’re with, and maybe this is the person that you should focus on. So when do you have the conversation, if those feelings are becoming more and more intense for you, and if you’re having more and more conversations about the future, then it’s worth just checking in and seeing how they’re feeling and it doesn’t have to be a whole thing like this is this is not a bank binding contract. This is not a marriage proposal. You don’t have to say like, I I feel that way. We are destined for marriage. And I want to know where we are. And let’s define the relationship. So I could track you on the timeline trajectory of my relationship future. That’s too much. You could just say, I am feeling like, I want to focus on just the two of us and just eating you. How do you feel about that? But here’s, here’s the hard thing. You have to be willing to accept whatever answer you get when you’re ready to do that. So if you’re not ready to accept whatever answer you get, without trying to control the outcome, then it’s too soon to have the conversation. If you feel like you could have that conversation, and if they say, only really like you, I’m not sure where this is going. But I like seeing you. I’m not ready to take my profile down. Then you have information that you have to catalog and say, Do I want to continue dating this person knowing that they’re not sure when I feel very, very short? Or do you say like, oh, man, Maybe I have been moving a little bit fast and I don’t really know this person that well? Or do you need to redefine how you are, how you are moving forward in this relationship. Or maybe you need to go online again and see, maybe if I date one more person, then I can determine if this is someone that I still think is special, but it’s information. It’s crucial information that will allow you to move forward or move out of the relationship. But you can’t have this conversation lightly. You can’t have this conversation when you’re not sure. So wait until you really have clarity for yourself. And then make it as painless as possible. Don’t Please don’t do the We need to talk. How many of you have had that conversation like we need to talk about where this is going dramatic? Right, we get into harsh robbing. Yeah. I hate that. I hate that. Like even my husband will be like, we need to Talk. It’s like something about the kids. Like, I don’t want an appointment, have a conversation. Let’s just talk. We need to talk. Just talk. Yeah. So don’t do that. Not that he does that that often. But just just begin the conversation at a time when you’re both comfortable and casual and you can speak openly. Don’t do it over over new the New Year’s party, like while the ball is dropping, and all of your friends around, do it somewhere when you can both be vulnerable, authentic, clear, and speak with clarity and openness. And it it’s a hard conversations a very hard conversation. You know, and I remember when I had been dating my husband like six weeks, and it’s funny because he had a birthday party, and then he invited me to the birthday party. But then I was like, I don’t know how I’m going to be introduced his birthday party. I was pretty sure that we weren’t dating anyone else. Uh huh. But we hadn’t had the conversation. So I showed up to the party and he was like, This is damona. And all of his friends were like, Oh, damona like it was clear that they had. But I still didn’t have a title. We hadn’t had the conversation. So then I asked him later, where where do you?
Where do you? Yeah, what is this? And he was like, Well, I’m not really sure. And then he like backpedaled. And I went, Okay, I get this, like, this is not my first rodeo. Okay. So I was like, Oh, it’s gotta be his idea. You know? Like, the guys that are listening. Y’all have to think it’s your idea. For the ladies, just just let it be their idea. You can’t You can’t push it, you can’t force it. You will not get the outcome that you want. So I just backed off. I was like, okay, that’s fine. You know, I’m really enjoying hell. Yeah, I’m enjoying this, but whatever. And I’m like a week later, he was like, so do you want to be my girlfriend? Oh, this is the funniest part. He was like, I was going to ask you before my party, but then like he kind of chickened out. Oh. And I’m like, wait, then why did you act when I asked you You acted like you weren’t really sure. Can he just needed it to be enlightened by him? Okay. Oh, yeah, like I needed to not emasculate him.
Unknown Speaker 32:24
Worked out. Okay. And yeah. Do you have any other questions this week?
Leah Schell 32:27
Yes. One more actually. Tell me. Okay, another one from Instagram. This person says How should I feel about my boyfriend having a pre planned two week trip to Mexico in January with an ex Oh, oh, wow. They are going to a wedding from someone in her family. He stressed that a she’s just a friend and a lot like a sister. He could tell I wasn’t happy but I told him that I don’t have a reason not to trust him. Since this is new. Did I do the right thing?
Damona 32:58
Okay, let’s break this down. It’s two weeks. In Mexico, who gets two
Leah Schell 33:01
weeks off in January anyway, couples vacation not that this is a couple of couples vacation, but like a huge vacation. Wow,
Damona 33:09
that is a huge vacation. Um, but it’s for a wedding, okay for someone in her family, okay. I mean, there are definitely people that have a certain place in your life that you have dated in the past. We’re talking about this a little bit before the break, that there is not the like, if he’s telling you she’s like a sister, then he probably doesn’t have the desire to be with her again. And this sounds like this is a new relationship. This is our new boyfriend, she said. So she can express that she’s not happy about it. But ultimately, this is a test of her trust of him and of where the relationship can go. And you cannot build a relationship without complete trust. And this could be a test of The relationship. So there’s a saying, If you love someone, let them go. Or if you love something, let it go. And it comes back to you, then it’s meant to be, yeah. Yeah. And again, you can’t just like he’s got to think it’s his idea. You cannot squeeze the situation, too, so tightly that you you cause him to actually want to rebel against that. And if it’s so new as well, that’s your new boyfriend, then let them know you’re going to be chill because this is a long distance run. This is not a sprint. Yeah. And this will not be the last time if you stay in the relationship with this person. This will not be the last time that you question who he’s spending time with or where this if this woman is that good of a friend, where her role is in your relationship, so you have to give him enough space to be able to show that he’s trustworthy,
Leah Schell 35:01
right? And I like that she was honest about her feeling so those resentments didn’t build up and they could have a conversation about it.
Damona 35:08
Yeah, yeah, I mean she said she wasn’t happy but you know, you got to make yourself happy then. Why don’t you go on your own trip to Mexico don’t like Shadow them. That would be awkward. Oh, hi. I didn’t know you were going to be at the moon palace resort.
Unknown Speaker 35:25
I just happened to stay here to
Damona 35:29
vacation. No, don’t do that. But do something. No for real though. Do something that is going to make your soul flourish during the time when he’s gone. I know I said that kind of flowery. But do something that will fill you up whether it’s maybe it’s a maybe it’s a trip with your girlfriends or maybe it’s a going to the spa and having a massage day or self care day or doing meditation every day or yoga or working I don’t know, whatever you do read a book, whatever it is do it with intention. I’m doing this for the with the intention of keeping my mind occupied and my heart full while he is away. Because if you are calling him every day going, what are you doing? Who are you doing it? Have you seen her? You’re you’re just going to squash this again. So you’ve got to have your own stuff going on. So that he feels like you trust him. You’re giving him the space that he needs. But you’re also taking care of yourself. I mean, not what is sexier than someone who can take care of themselves. I’m hearing that more and more for my male clients and the listeners of this podcast. They want a woman who has her own stuff going on, has her own career, her own life, and isn’t reliant on a man. prior generations. That was that was a societal construct that we were stuck with it. We had to we had to be reliant on a man for our financial and emotional well being Now you don’t have to. So you can have this relationship. You can have your cake and you can eat it too. I am spent. We it’s a holiday season. And I will go back and recharge. Because like I said, we are not taking a break for this holiday season. I can’t believe this is Episode 289 of dates and mates. If you have a question that you want answered, and you’ve been too shy to share it with me, just know that I don’t fight. And if there’s a question that you’re having, just like you were listening to this episode probably heard something that resonated for you if you have a question, just know that you could be helping out thousands of other listeners by sharing your question with us, and we will make it anonymous. We will make it safe and secure for you to share your question. You can dm it to me on any social media platform at damona Hoffman or email me damona at damona Hoffman calm we also have a forum on our website, data mates com basically it’s so easy Easy to get in touch with me I just need you to reach out and take the first step I heard we got a review a new review yes we did Who’s it from?
Leah Schell 38:10
It’s from sure door them
Damona 38:13
to join me that’s what their that’s their name
Leah Schell 38:15
dr them okay the door them what it what is your door them say just adore them said excellent dating guidance or advice is wise current and she is engaging and positive thank
Damona 38:26
you thank you she door you I try to stay current y’all I’m reading all these headlines trying to stay up on the trends for you and yes, I try to keep it positive. There’s a lot of stress out there in the world and I want data mates to be a fun experience for you. Thanks for the five star review Joe door them if you want to shout out on future episode, leave us your five star review on the platform. You can leave us a four star review if you want but I’d really like a five I’ll still read it was four star but review on whatever platform is bringing This podcast to your ears right now and then make sure you’re subscribed to the show and that you’re sending the episodes that your friends need to hear to them. This is probably one of those episodes so go ahead and share it and you do those three subscribe, review and share dates and mates we will keep it free. like clockwork will be back again bright and early next Monday morning to ring in the new year with a masterclass episode on how to change the bad dating habits that aren’t working for you. And in the meantime, Registration is open now for my webinar coming in January on January 9. It’s called why dating apps aren’t working for you. And I will also be doing a live q&a and coaching as a part of that call. So if you want to be in on that it’s free to sign up at the dating secret.com Until next week, I want to wish you Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and of course, happy dating
Fleabag & Blended Families
BLENDED FAMILIES ARE THE WAVE
On today’s episode, we’re talking all about blended families, tradition, and the holidays.
We like to keep you up to date and aware of what’s trending here at Dates & Mates. And no surprise but here in the US and worldwide, blended families are becoming more popular – whether that be blended races, blended cultures, blended religions, or two families joined through re-marriage.
So if you’re dating, in a new relationship, or are re-married, you will likely at some point find a point in your life where you are looking to blend your family traditions with your significant other. Blended families are becoming more and more prominent and we want to keep you informed!
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (3:00)
Should we ban Plantation-style weddings?
You may know that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively’s 2012 wedding pictures have been “shadow-banned” because they took place at Boone Hall Plantation in Charleston. Is it time to ban plantation-style weddings once and for all? Damona and Carmelia weigh in.
Are you a Fleabag?
If you’ve seen the show “Fleabag” on Amazon Prime (WATCH IT!! IT’S GREAT!) you know that “fleabagging” is making lots of really, really bad dating decisions over and over and over again.
What emoji should you use in your Tinder Profile?
Tinder’s EOY breakdown of Tinder profiles is here! Which emoji should you be using on your profile? hint:
BLENDED FAMILIES (15:24)
Joining us today is celebrity matchmaker, and online dating expert, Carmelia Ray.
Carmelia is an internationally acclaimed matchmaker for high achieving men and the quality women they’re searching for. You may also know her as a TV personality on shows such as Mom Vs. Matchmaker, The Real Housewives Of Toronto, and most recently A User’s Guide to Cheating Death. Carmelia’s advice has been featured in AskMen, Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, OK! Magazine, and so much more. She recently launched a dating app here in LA called Censio.
When we decided to do an episode on blended families and holidays, and blended traditions, our first thought was that we had to get Carmelia’s input on this episode.
Fun Fact: When she’s not supporting clients in their search for love, she’s traveling and loving life with her extraordinary husband, and family (4 kids and American bulldog).
Today we talk:
Follow Carmelia on all the socials (@carmeliaray) and don’t forget to use the code “singlebells” for your first unlimited month of Censio free!
TECHNICALLY DATING (38:00)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show!
Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:17
Hello Lovers and welcome to Dates & Mates. I’m your host certified Dating Coach Damona Hoffman, and thank you for making this show your source for dating and relationship advice, especially holiday dating and relationship advice. I know this is the time of year that a lot of you are thinking about dating challenges, relationship challenges, and I’m really excited that you took the time to join us during this busy holiday season.
We love to keep you aware of what’s trending. And it’s no surprise that here in the US, especially blended families are trending and becoming more popular. So whether that be blended races, blended cultures, blended religions or two families joined through remarriage. Whether you’re doing dating or in a new relationship or are remarried, you will likely find at some point in your life you may be looking to blend your family with someone else in someone else’s traditions.
And that is why we are doing today’s show to give you the resources to navigate that challenge of blending. Joining me today is celebrity matchmaker and online dating expert, Carmelia Ray.
Carmelia Ray 1:24
Hi Damona!
Damona 1:26
Hi! I got to tell people about you. She’s an internationally acclaimed matchmaker. You also probably know her from TV. She is the host and matchmaker of a show called “Mom versus Matchmaker”. Yeah, she’s the matchmaker. She’s also been on The Real Housewives of Toronto and most recently a user’s guide to cheating death. You’ve seen her and asked men variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Ok magazine and so much more. She’s also become a partner in a dating app
Carmelia Ray 1:55
Matchmaking app! Yes. We want to do distinct ourselves from like the swiping apps to a relationship based and relationship oriented app. So this is why we call it a matchmaking app.
Damona 2:09
Well, I can’t wait to hear more about that. And I can’t wait to talk about the headlines with you. We have some juicy ones this week, including a wedding tradition that is being banned.
And fleabagging. Are you doing it? We’ll tell you what this new dating term means and maybe how you should be avoiding it in the future.
Plus, we’ll break down Tinder’s end of year report on this year’s hottest dating trends.
And then we’ll answer your questions, including how to master dating apps, if they make you feel scared, confused and intimidated. I know a lot of you are nodding your heads to that. Plus what ages are appropriate for you to date.
All that and more on today’s Dates & Mates. Carmelia, I didn’t give you some smooches earlier. Maybe I’ll give you some smooches now –
Carmelia Ray 2:58
And you’re gonna give me a real smooth or is it Virtual?
Damona 3:00
a virtual smooch. I don’t want to make it weird. And then we’ll do these headlines.
All right. Did you know that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively are shadow banned, their wedding pictures? You cannot find them on many in many publications because they got married in 2012 at Boone Hall Plantation in Charleston. You may recognize it as the location for the notebook, which is probably why they chose it. Right. But y’all, it’s a plantation. It’s a plantation. Yeah. So this this week Pinterest has banned plantation style wedding pictures from their whole site. And there’s a people are taking sides like the not saying we don’t want to. We want to celebrate love wherever people decide to have it. But is there a reason to not promote these plantation style weddings as Something that are grand and beautiful when you really consider the history
Carmelia Ray 4:04
I mean you know, you you when you consider the history you’re stepping and celebrate you know you’re on a grounds where you know some bad things happen right and so historically It’s a place where attached to a lot of really awful memories so you’re trying to the only thing that that I might think is positive that you might want to replace those memories and and with something more positive and and have the past be in the past but I guess you know I have not i’m not personally related to that. So I want to emphasize with people that that it might offend.
Damona 4:42
Yeah, well as a as a black person in America I am I am personally connected to it. But at the same time, I think there is something empowering and being able to say like, now I can choose if I want to I can have my my wedding This spot, right and like you’re saying kind of re, like, rewire exactly that the reasoning that some people use the N word which I never use, right, but they’re like, we are redefining it for ourselves. And so in a way, I guess that is a possibility if we can look at it that way, but I’ll tell you I have friend that that’s from Louisiana and was getting married and looking at venues. And one of them called the the, obviously this the homes that the the enslaved people lived in right quaint cottages that your guests could stay on on the grounds and I was like, I don’t know that you get to do that. I don’t know that you get it right. The history. You have to acknowledge what the history is and say like maybe we can educate people by inviting them to this place to see where where this history happens. So
Carmelia Ray 5:48
I mean, forgive, I really don’t know about plantations or their actual people like, are they abandoned now? Are they
Damona 5:55
working on the other like their giant mansions that are beautiful locations for writings but have like you said this horrible, dark, very attached to it. So I don’t know if it’s it’s really the place of, of Pinterest. Sure ban it because again, if you ban it, you’re trying to you’re trying to negate it from Well,
Carmelia Ray 6:17
I mean, and then what happens what happens to the, you know, freedom of speech, right? opportunity like you can’t express this is your wedding day. I mean, I don’t know, I think it’s hard for me, I want to I want to not talk about that. But it’s great that you’re bringing up that point. We talked
Damona 6:35
about the stuff you do to me, it’s another tough thing to do. People that are in terrible relationships, cycles, these bad relationship choices again and again and again. Cosmo has coined a new term called fleabag. For those of you who are fans of the show like I am, you know that
Carmelia Ray 6:59
there is a show I’ve been out of the woodwork here so like like I’m a Netflix person in my free time. Yeah, there’s a show called fleabag
Damona 7:07
there’s a bag okay and in it the main character is just a train wreck date or she dates people who are unavailable. I won’t. I won’t spoil it for anyone okay seen it or for you. Okay, but she makes some really bad relationship choices particularly in season two. Okay,
Carmelia Ray 7:25
like where the audience is going. Oh, no, you didn’t
Damona 7:27
know Yeah. Oh my god. I have a friend that is Yang or has fleabag or we’ve all fleabag Darcy Yeah.
Carmelia Ray 7:34
Oh my god. Yes. Not to be confused with tea bag. That’s right. Just believe earlier on the show.
Damona 7:41
Let’s just say I want to get some advice since you are such a an expert in dating and relationships and matchmaking. Yes. For people that are in these toxic cycles of makeup, break up. relationships that aren’t serving them what’s like one tip you could give them to break that cycle.
Carmelia Ray 7:58
get professional help. Number one, I mean, tip number one, we’re both coaches,
Carmelia Ray 8:03
right?
Carmelia Ray 8:04
And a lot of times people don’t know or they can’t recognize or even in that cycle, do you know you know, that friend and you keep talking to that person and they don’t do anything differently. So, make a different move, make a different decision, get help get support, put yourself outside of that toxic relationship and give yourself space. I think for people that continue to go back, they’re just either that again, it maybe has to do with their attachment styles. Are they anxious and avoidant? Do they are they addicted to this push pull type of situation? Right and, and so a normal relationship for them is foreign. I will
Damona 8:42
say that was definitely my experience before I was used to the drama to me drama felt like attraction. And that like, you know that that we’re fighting now we broke up, we’re making up the
Carmelia Ray 8:56
amazing
Damona 8:58
highs and the lows, that starts with Feel like the norm. And it’s done. I think that’s what people really need to hear. Well, when you
Carmelia Ray 9:05
thought a flea, I mean, that is so relevant, right? You just want it to go away or squash that but
Damona 9:12
always jumping around
Carmelia Ray 9:15
in your face is just like, Oh, yeah, I love that term. So I think want to be if you if you know that you can’t get out of this or you recognize this cycle and it is toxic, get help, get support, ask for you know, go to people that you trust, and maybe even go outside of your family. I really strongly believe in coaching and working with professionals, the experts that can maybe even do an intervention for you. They might have to drag you out of this relationship so that you can have the space you need to really see yourself outside of what you’re going on when you’re in the thick of it. It’s hard to get out of
Damona 9:52
yet. So let’s say you’ve done the work and you’re ready to date again. Maybe Tinder A place for you to start. Tinder came through with their 2019 year in swipe report. This is their end of year evaluation about the most talked about topics particularly focusing on Gen Z. That’s their biggest
Carmelia Ray 10:14
story. I wasn’t even aware Tinder did an annual end of year report. It’s like I know match.com does singles and managers singles
Damona 10:20
in America. So when did this start? Maybe this year? Okay. I don’t know. But this is not really the last year. Okay. Actually, for a number of different countries. They have one for the UK. They have one for Australia, France, Germany, India. So
Carmelia Ray 10:34
all that data that I mean, they are amazing data. Yeah,
Damona 10:37
yeah. So if you’re listening from another country, check out your report, but I’ll tell you what the US report said and I’m so curious Yeah. Gen Z. daters were more likely to mention causes or missions than a travel in their Bibles. But millennials old old asked millennials. They were three times more likely to talk travel. I find that When I’m when I’m coaching people of different generations, because I have all the way from like, late 20s, all the way up to late 60s and even 70s and
Carmelia Ray 11:09
Gen Z, right, and Gen Z
Damona 11:11
were younger than millennials.
Carmelia Ray 11:12
Yeah, younger than me not got it.
Damona 11:14
And so the trends are different for different age groups. And I find that really interesting. As I’m coaching people. Now I have to say like, well, if you’re dating someone over 40, you definitely do the phone call. But if you’re dating someone between 30 and 40, you might not want to do the phone call. If you’re dating someone under 30. If you do the phone call, you’re going to get you’re going to get shadow back.
Carmelia Ray 11:33
Well, you know, I think I think Gretta The is the poster child for Generation Z, right? So yeah, she is the poster child for Gen Z, which is why I think a lot of high schoolers, and it’s so funny. I work with a lot of teachers and different singles, who work with young people. And when you ask young people were talking even like elementary and primary, they’re all about wanting to help someone My daughter, my three year old is like, Mommy, can I help you? Are you okay? Daddy? Are you okay? Like you stub your toe and she wants to, like, admin immediately fix it. I said I have a headache. She goes and gets her pretend doctor kit. Like, I don’t know what it is about these young young people that are really focused on helping others whereas, you know, Millennials just want to get away and not work.
Damona 12:23
Like our core audience, but apparently you’re right on with with the reference to gretta Yeah, climate change social justice, the environment and gun control were really popular phrases and oh, my girl files in emojis. emojis are are on the case. Yeah, I have had various feelings about emojis because I definitely use them like anyone that’s done my texting trap or texting 10 commandments training they know that I’m, I’m all about using emojis as mood modifiers but I’ve been seeing them more in place of words in profiles to kind of short Cut the the conversation
Carmelia Ray 13:02
I I love emojis I have again various children we’re going to talk about blended blended families but my various my various and sundry curious show, I should qualify that I have children in three different age groups, primary elementary and young adult. And they all speak to me an emoji. Like they all speak to me in emotion. It’s like very few words and more signs and yet I can completely understand it you can understand I can show that there are some things that emojis you know are better for
Damona 13:34
Okay, what about this one the most popular emoji is not was not the eggplant is actually the face palm emoji like the face the hand in front of the face like the kind of my head yeah 41% increase in use this year.
Carmelia Ray 13:50
That we all have a we have more dumb moments. Like why did I do that like that is a permanent emoji in my phone.
Damona 14:00
Want to connect with people? definitely use emojis. Yes, you can connect on female superheroes Captain Marvel lizzo Elizabeth Warren, we’re trying to go with the overall theme of superheroes. All of those were very big topics and 2019 also, Jonas Brothers, who knew? I didn’t know that was still a thing. Yeah, job rose. They call it in
Carmelia Ray 14:22
the urine swipe. I work. I couldn’t be one song.
Carmelia Ray 14:26
I’m so dating myself. I’m so sorry people.
Damona 14:29
Well, we’ll put the link if you want to brush up on it will put the link to the articles we talked about in today’s dating dish, on our blog at Dates & Mates. com. We will be back with Carmela in just a moment talking more about blended families. But first I have to ask you, are we friends? Are we friends on social media? Are you getting all the bonus Dates & Mates content through Instagram and Twitter and Facebook? Is my blog bookmarked on your browser? If not, I want you to know that the New Year’s right around the corner and I have some Very special things lined up to help you meet your dating and relationship resolution so don’t miss out follow me @Damona Hoffman on all the socials and while you’re at Dates & Mates calm for this week’s show notes. Take a look at the rest of the blogs. We have new content coming at you every week with dating and relationship tips. We will be talking about blended families in just a moment. So stick around.
Damona 15:24
Lovers we are back with Carmela Ray. She is an internationally known celebrity Matchmaker, online dating expert and so much more. Welcome back to the show.
Carmelia Ray 15:33
Thank you.
Damona 15:34
You may be like now the reigning champ. I think this is your
Carmelia Ray 15:38
I think it’s been you’ve had seven years and I travel every time and I’m not even from here. I fly all the way from Toronto just to be on Dimona show. Literally, I call her and I say I’m here and and we graciously make time for me. So that is probably number four.
Damona 15:54
I know you’re not coming just for the show, but we’re lucky to have you and you’re coming at the right time because At this time of year, I get so many questions from our listeners about blending families about blending traditions for the holidays. I know you know a few things about that both through working with your clients and even through your own experience. And when you’re not supporting clients and you’re not working with sense CEO and launching the number one matchmaking app, you are living the fabulous life traveling with with your extraordinary husband.
Carmelia Ray 16:28
Andrew do today. Yes.
Carmelia Ray 16:29
And my children, you have kids, you got
Damona 16:32
various and sundry children, various and sundry kids and your two Bulldogs.
Carmelia Ray 16:36
Oh, one one now. So I have I know. I know what. Anyway, so I have I have and I’ll tell you the ultimate blended example of the ultimate blended family because my older children Michaela and Brandon because 21 Brandon’s 15 is from my first marriage. My youngest daughter who’s turned who turned three this year is from my current Marriage, and then mom and then my husband has a daughter who is my step daughter. And she’s one year younger than Michaela. So there’s four kids in total. Very blended. I don’t even know how to keep track of the kids.
Damona 17:14
Okay, well, let’s, I have to and I can’t. Myself. Yeah. But looking at the stats, 16% of children live in blended families. But you actually found an interesting stat that you shared with me. Yes, that 60 to 70% of marriages involving children with from a previous marriage don’t make it Yeah, they fail. And actually, I just
Carmelia Ray 17:37
worked with a recent client, who was super sad story and she had shared with me that the reason her last relationship ended was because the teenage daughter of the man she was with could not get along with her, and to the point where she had said, had had put the dad in an awkward position to choose between Between the partnership or her,
Damona 18:02
then the daughter,
Carmelia Ray 18:04
the daughter said, Dad and ultimatum you know, it’s either me, I mean, you know, and she backed out as well, because she’s like, she has a daughter too. So there’s her daughter, there’s this daughter. And then there’s the the, you know, position that she held that it’s going to made it very challenging. And the sad part was the relationship between the couple was solid, but the relationship between the child and the partner, even though it wasn’t solid, clearly, the child was dealing with whatever she was dealing with. And, and that’s part of the issue. Sometimes kids, they just do not want to see another person in the role of their mother or father and regard and it’s unfortunate.
Damona 18:46
It’s really unfortunate. What do you think people can do? Like some of our listeners now are dating people with kids? Get looking for marriage? Are there tips that you can give in terms of especially during the holidays, how to You set things up so that you can be successful with the other person’s kids so that you don’t get into that ultimatum situation.
Carmelia Ray 19:06
Wow, there, you know, there are so many moving parts in a blended family. And it also depends the advice is going to be different based on the stage of the relationship, how comfortable the children are, I think if you’re trying to create a bond, and we’re talking about the holidays, and it’s always great for you to try to plan something with the kids, but like this potential step brothers and sisters together, because then you start your test that unity, whereas if the kids are going with their parents, and they never get to see each other, you’re also missing out on an opportunity to, to share a really awesome moment, right? And then at the same time, it’s when when when the other partner wants to have the children, how does it work with the schedule, right, because the dad may want to spend time with the kids and the new partner, and then it just doesn’t align. So you really want to get agreement between the couples? And then, you know, integrate the kids. And also I think it’s really important to ask the kids what they want, right? Because what are they comfortable with? Maybe they don’t want to spend time with the family. So there’s or with their, you know, the people, the other children so to speak. So there’s so much to consider there.
Damona 20:20
What if you are dating someone that that has kids and you don’t have kids yourself? Okay. So that’s a lot of our listeners that are they’ve never been married, they don’t have kids, but they’re like, I want to be a part of this family. Is there a way to, to integrate, or should you just let the parent pace the forming of that relationship?
Carmelia Ray 20:45
You know, it’s one thing for I mean, I think it’s a great sign when somebody who doesn’t have children is dating someone with kids and wants to really have that relationship. It’s showing you that they want to be part of that family and sees that diamond As a being in their future, that being said, you can never force this outcome because you’re talking about the children’s well being is I think the most important consideration is, are the kids ready for that? And the rule of thumb, and although there’s no real rule is you wouldn’t introduce your children to a partner, unless you felt that this was going to be a long term partner. Otherwise, your kids might just feel like there’s a revolving door of partners. And that would have a negative impact as well, because they may be already suffering, the loss of the parent leaving, and now they might form this attachment to this new person, and then they’re gone. Right. So the, I think it’s important to for that person to express they would like to have that involvement, and to let them know because sometimes they don’t even say anything, right. And then the person with the child thinks, do they even want to?
Damona 21:52
Yeah, I need this like, do you do you as the single as the person without the kid, need to drive it and say it really like to me meet your son or daughter? Or do you need to wait for that person to open the door? Because,
Carmelia Ray 22:07
like, as a parent, I think I’d probably have to pace that right. I think you also have to look at the strength of the partnership. First of all, right? Like, is there a reason the person is not wanting to introduce this person to you? Because if you really like this person, and you’re dating them, and you haven’t yet it’s six months, and you don’t want them to meet the kids, and it’s like, What’s up with that?
Damona 22:32
Yeah, I have a client that she and her ex husband had, they made a rule that they would not introduce anyone to their child, neither of them until they were at the point of, of either moving in together or marriage. And I will say it’s, it was a little tricky, like there was once where they died. And this, he came to drop off flowers for her birthday and her son was there. And she was like, it’s great that he was romantic, but it Same time, in honor he broke that crossed a bit of a line. So it can it can become really complicated, especially when you have certain rules. As a parent that you haven’t communicated, she
Carmelia Ray 23:10
didn’t communicate that that’s really her bad, right? But if he stopped cross the line, and she knew that we weren’t gonna introduce and then he did it anyway. I think that’s a red flag. I really do. Because if he’s gonna stay together,
Carmelia Ray 23:25
see massive Red
Damona 23:28
Nose Oh, she is like the Nostradamus of dating and relationships, man. Well, when we’re talking about blended families, I’ll share my own story because I come from like, multiple blended family on multiple levels. Like my mom already had a kid when she met my dad. My sister was like, my half sister was like about nine. And then my dad is Jewish. My mom is Christian, and she’s African American. My dad is white. So my family is. So first I want to talk about interface. Okay, relationships and as a matchmaker I’m sure you deal with this. Oh my
Carmelia Ray 24:04
gosh, comes up a lot
Damona 24:06
mixed faith partners actually, the number of mixed faith partners doubled since the 1960s. So now we’re looking at 40% of households are mixed faith and that that could be Protestant Catholic that could be Jewish Christian could be Muslim. I deal with this every day Damona every day What do you help first of all when someone comes to you and they’re like, I want to find love. I’m say Jewish I see as my first writing gig was with JD So okay, this has a special place all the Jewish mothers that are like, please help my son. A very, very special place in my heart. Okay, but if they’re like, I must find love. I’m say 38 Yes, and I’m looking for love. I’ve only been dating Jewish. Okay, Jewish man. How’s that been working for him?
Carmelia Ray 24:57
Is that what you say? No, but I’m saying to them, right.
Carmelia Ray 25:00
You know it really a man? It’s really a matter of how much importance and, and and how often How does your faith show up in your life? Because if it doesn’t show up that often your life Why should it show up in your dating life and in your partner choice? Yeah, that a value that you really is it you’re trying to make your parents happy? Is it something that if you could meet the right guy, and you really think about your core values, if religion or faith isn’t top of those core values, then it’s it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t weigh more than having someone who you can trust or is loyal or reliable or has a strong sense of right and wrong. Like I think 100% of people would say they’re spiritual. I think that’s the word. Right like religious
Damona 25:48
spirit. Yeah, exactly. I mean, spiritual but not
Carmelia Ray 25:50
exactly right.
Carmelia Ray 25:54
So this happens a lot where and really it’s sometimes authentically is frustrating or or challenging for me, because I’ve got someone that has this strong line in the sand about who they want to meet. And yet their religion isn’t even what drives them. And it’s not even they don’t go to synagogue, they don’t really even practice the things that that they’re supposed to as a devout Jewish or Christian person. And yet they put that in as a consideration or must in a partner. So I my coaching to that person would really be to be open and flexible and dating somebody that is outside of their faith when their faith isn’t. Really. Yeah, if you want a deal breaker and it’s not obvious in their day to day life, yeah, right now, if they have parents and family and they’ve got other family considerations that would make dating someone outside of that race or faith problematic. I could understand why they’d still be seeking a partner. However, it’s proven time and again, that when somebody meets somebody That they love. And you can just see they make them happy. Like, nobody’s going to say no to that kind of a relationship where they just know this person is happier, healthier and just elated when they’re with that person.
Damona 27:11
Yeah, I just read an article about this couple. The man it was from. He was from Asia and the wife was from Ghana, I believe. And what a mix it was. They were both gorgeous. Yes. And the dad initially was like, Don’t even bring her to my house. I don’t want to meet her. And they he spent the, the now they are now married and the husband spent months of just introducing her over time telling her that they wanted him her to come to the house, even when they were like don’t bring her here. Yes, to kind of create those moments where they could get to know her as a person was there a happy ending? There’s a happy another married and the dad showed up to the wedding. And like sometimes I feel like parents say these things like don’t even come here if your husband is an Indian, like don’t even don’t even come in my house with with
Carmelia Ray 28:05
it’s really sad, guys. I mean, you would think that in this day and age that millennials and Gen Z would not have to deal with that. And yet, I see this with my daughter’s friends who are different religions and cultures where they’re literally dating someone outside of the faith outside of their race behind their parents back in in relationship that’s been going on for years, terrified to tell their family about this partnership, because of the strong influence, cultural influence inside of that dynamic. Yeah, well, so young people
Damona 28:38
as the host of mom versus Matchmaker, gosh, so if anyone hasn’t seen the show yet, it’s fabulous, and you should definitely check it out. But the premise is basically a mom does a setup for their child and Carmela does a set up for the child and then the child who’s an adult will choose who they think is the bedroom and
Carmelia Ray 28:59
I have three jewels. Moms, they all chose Jewish people, right? They literally did. And you could tell the choice like it was so funny. And not even that the Jamaican moms and anybody who was in a cultural like, like where they were culturally specific, they ended up choosing the moms choice, which was clear because the mom had an idea or perception of who their child should date based on religion, ethnicity, culture, family values, tradition. And I chose a match based on what the person wanted. And what the person wanted, had nothing to do often with what the mom wanted, which is why one in those cases, right? And not always though, sometimes, I think that that they the kids favorite, the mother’s choice, knowing that it was mom’s choice, and if they didn’t pick mom’s choice, they’d be in a whole heap of trouble.
Damona 29:52
So let’s say you have not chosen the moms choice and yet approaching the holidays and it’s time for you to figure out how to introduce this person into your family and your life. What would you recommend to any of these clients on mom versus matchmaker? Like, how do they begin that conversation? A Mom, I didn’t kick your person.
Carmelia Ray 30:10
Yeah, that’s so interesting. And you know what, I don’t know that I would use a major family holiday to introduce somebody. I think that you avoid all that because you’re not just impacting that person. It’s everybody’s holiday, right? So you don’t want to make it about you must, you can’t force somebody to like your partner, you can take a stand. But if you’re willing to be that person and you have that stand, then you need to know that there it could ruffle some feathers. So if your intention is not to ruffle feathers, it’s better to have that conversation before the actual holiday. Or just express where you draw the line in the sand and say, Listen, I love this person. If you really want me to attend, it’s important that he comes he or she comes with me. Or you’re not going right yeah,
Damona 30:55
you have to set your partner up for success. And that’s a really good point that this is a is a time when it’s already the stakes are high the the emotional intensity is off the charts.
Carmelia Ray 31:07
Yeah, I read I don’t know who it was but it was like how did reduce drama over the holidays and you don’t bring somebody new to a family holiday function when first of all, they would completely they’re, they’re the opposite polar opposite of what who your parents want you to date. That is not the time in place to bring someone over the holidays. Oh, I
Damona 31:26
was just so nervous to me. My husband’s family. Thanksgiving was the big, big holiday in there. Did
Carmelia Ray 31:32
you get introduced? Were you already dating though?
Damona 31:34
Before we were dating? Yeah, we were dating and I had met his parents, but he does this big family event where it was like aunts, uncles, cousins. I love those
Carmelia Ray 31:44
Filipinos. So we have like hundred people in our family.
Damona 31:48
It wasn’t quite Filipino level. But it was like, it was like, you know, yeah, big family. And I remember this moment we had been dating at that point over a year but like, yeah, I didn’t know where it was going and They were like, we’re gonna take the holiday picture. And everybody you know, they do they do, like
Carmelia Ray 32:07
do you like sitting off to the I was?
Damona 32:10
Like, I’m not trying to be in the family in the family. Yeah. And they’re like Damona get in the picture, get the picture. And I just felt so uncomfortable because they thought, what if I’m on the picture? And they’re gonna be going through the pictures like,
Carmelia Ray 32:24
Who was that broad that you
Carmelia Ray 32:28
can feel that but look at that they were so gracious. And you didn’t automatically go in there. I mean, you had respect and you’re
Damona 32:36
set to the side that tells a lot about my family of origin I guess and like the baggage you know, we all bring like different ideas and different
Carmelia Ray 32:44
but I I was dating somebody where you know, the family was like, get them out of the picture. Not in the pictures not in the white. Why is he even hear
Damona 32:54
my mommy like he’s not like Tell him to go outside. He’s not in the picture. But she loves My husband from from the beginning, but I will say it was an opportunity for anyone that’s listening that may be in that situation, it was an opportunity for me to feel like, Oh, I’m included. And then I also thought he must be saying very nice things about me to them.
Carmelia Ray 33:14
Yes, I can see now that’s probably because she relationships had it, and you’re married. And you have now two children. So he saw the future with you, which is great. But in terms of blended families, unfortunately, we don’t get that happy picture. I mean, I experienced the other side of the blended family where the partner I had chosen was somebody my family didn’t like, and it was so close after my separation, that the person who was in there and I had two young children at the time when I was dating somebody new that they were like, Who is this person? and wine is too early. And this and that was, it was actually nightmarish. Wow. Yeah.
Damona 33:51
But how is it different now? You’re remarried, you have the happy blended family picture?
Carmelia Ray 33:56
Yeah. And it’s not always different. You know, it’s I mean, I authentically I’m Filipino. He’s not, you know, he’s got another child how it’s different now as I think, because I’m mature and I’m older, they realize that they can’t tell me what to do. You know, I think it’s very different when it’s also who I am. Right and what I stand for. So they they just gave up on me. That’s what it was. Do whatever that she’s gonna do I just, just they just couldn’t. It was what is that? There was a show before that. They would say something is futile. It’s Do you know that you’re the V? No. Oh, gosh. educate you. I wish I could. What was it? Resistance is futile. Okay. That was sentence. Oh, yeah. That was it. But you know, at the same time, it’s, it was it’s a matter of just being clear of what makes you happy. How you see the future and, and, and really being gentle about it. I think anytime you’re aggressive or you force an issue or force an outcome You’re not considered of the impact for other people. It’s when it’s it doesn’t work, you know, you’re looked at as selfish or self serving, and you have to first of all, consider the children.
Damona 35:11
Yes, of course, this is such great advice for the holiday time. And just in general, if you’re looking to date someone that comes from a different circle, and we all we all have our different cultures, even if you’re both coming from a Christian background, you might have different traditions that you’re having to blend together.
Carmelia Ray 35:27
And, you know, a real concern for singles today, especially if they’re single in their 40s, or even in their late 30s, as you said, and, and their choice in the dating pool are single parents. They often do. Sometimes they’re afraid of even dating somebody who has a child. And that’s a deal breaker for some people and me, I know that it can be very successful. I mean, I don’t like what this stat says, but I’ve seen it work where it can be successful, but it requires compromise. It certainly requires that you don’t come into the relationship with already a preconceived notion that it’s going to fail. If you go into that, well guess what’s going to happen it’s already going to fail. But they come to me saying no, I don’t want the drama. I don’t want you know that the ex baby mama or baby daddy or whatever the case is. And it’s not always like that in fact is so far from that in some cases there are people that are separated and I look at them as like oh my god poster child for the separated family that really just worked together for the kids.
Damona 36:30
Yeah, it’s all about communication to like I did this holiday dating segment or dating relationship segment on access daily. And I every every answer I had, essentially the crux was communication in the Mario Lopez is like, so again, it’s about communication. I’m like, basically like that is the answer to every questions. One of my four pillars of long term compatibility. You have to have good communication and good conflict resolution because the problems will arise and it’s all in how you deal with it when it comes up.
Carmelia Ray 36:59
Can you Be our Dating Coach Damona
Damona 37:02
Yeah, of course, what will train will do okay and even trade because everybody like you said everybody needs an outside I, their dating life, their relationship life and somebody to talk to. So I’ve enjoyed talking to you and it’s not over Oh, not over currently because we have questions from our listeners. And you are just the person to answer them in our next segment.
Well Carmela the questions have been pouring in during the holiday season. I know everybody is stressed about their dating relationship situation right now. We have picked two of the most pressing questions to answer today there will be a deer Dimona episode coming up in the coming weeks. So if you haven’t gotten your question answered, please submit it to me on any of the social medias at Damona Hoffman or you can go to Dates & Mates calm and submit your question there. Our first question for the day. It’s a little bit long, but I think you’ll get the gist of it. Okay. This person says I’m on all of the data. apps. And I’ve been looking, trying not to be too picky. But I can’t tell if I’m on the apps because I’m single scared of being single, or I feel like I should be. Or if I’m doing poorly because I’m scared, or if I’m doing poorly, because I’m not interested. I’ve always seen myself in the future with kids. But there was never a man attached to that future. And I would like to have sex. But I’m not into just hooking up on apps because I feel intimidated from being out of the game for so long. I swear I feel like I’ve heard this question in different formats from so many people, but like breaking it down. Is there
Carmelia Ray 38:35
a bunch of statements? I need a drink.
Damona 38:40
Question is, should she be on dating apps is passed away. She’s been out of the game for a while.
Carmelia Ray 38:45
I think she needs clarity. It’s very, very clear. And thank you for just being completely transparent and vulnerable. Because I’m hearing this going you need some clarity because you don’t know what’s going on. Understand you’re in a state of confusion. And if you have no compass, or goal or direction, you have you see a kid but you don’t see a man, you don’t know why you’re on a dating app, you don’t even have a goal. Well, first of all you’re getting, you’re not getting the result because you don’t even know what you want. You cannot get results unless you realize why you’re on the app in the first place. So if you’re on a platform, and you have no idea why you’re on that platform, that’s challenge number one. Secondly, it I’m not judging her for not for thinking maybe she wants to be an independent woman to raise a child and she’s looking for a donate, don’t donate, donate a donor a donor that Yeah, she might be looking for the perfect specimen donor and co like wonderful co parent, you know, relationship. Because I mean, she could be I don’t know because she doesn’t know either. So I think the first thing you have to do is book a session with Damona like number one, if not heard me please for free Hi, because you need to get out of this. I don’t know where I’m going left, right, upside down. It was you’re exhausted. I’m exhausted with the statements. Well, I think you need help, like, in a good way in a really, really good way. Right? So thank you for that. But
Damona 40:14
you have dating apps amplify whatever challenges you’re already having. People think oh, the dating app, I just go on the dating app and that’ll fix it like I haven’t. I
Carmelia Ray 40:23
I if you go into dating app with that, it’s just going to further solidify your already view of dating disappointment because that’s what’s manifesting right now. You’re not clear. If you don’t have clarity on what kind of relationship you want, you’re just going to get more of the same so I think the work has to be done with first figuring out what what she brings to the table like what really does she envision for herself in a partner you know, and and then move towards that goal. Don’t get you know, Europe, you’re playing a game with no rules. Yeah and and no way to measure success like what is success to you is success to you going on dates is success to you having sex? Because if a success is having sex, then a great you’re having sex not just going on naps for hookups so
Damona 41:15
yes yeah and all of my programs all begin with mindset that’s always the thing because if you don’t know the direction you’re headed then how will you know if you even get there?
Carmelia Ray 41:28
Yeah and have someone review her her profile because
Carmelia Ray 41:32
I don’t know
Carmelia Ray 41:33
yeah what are her photos saying is it is it as confusing as like what’s going on in her head like is she posting usually right? Is she posting photos to attract what kind of men what kind of relationship? What are the words you’re using to define yourself? Are you are there even words on there? Are you just like kind of going around thinking okay, well I’ll float in whatever direction and patches takes facepalm emoji That’s better.
Damona 41:59
Okay, as we’re just Talking about getting clarity on who you’re looking for. Our second question comes to us from a fella who says, What’s the youngest appropriate age? I can date? I’m a 34 year old man.
Carmelia Ray 42:11
Oh, I have a rule for that. Sony. Somebody told me this rule. You take your age. Try this half your age. half your age plus seven. Okay, you
Damona 42:21
got the calculator.
Carmelia Ray 42:23
So 24 is the youngest.
Damona 42:26
for 10 years. Yeah. There’s a big difference between 24 and 34.
Carmelia Ray 42:32
Well, because well, yes, but he’s got to realize like he’s asking what’s appropriate. what’s appropriate is someone who has emotional maturity, compatibility, physicality, and sees you at your level. There’s no age attached to that if you’re concerned about age, let’s figure out why. That’s the concern. Why aren’t you asking? What’s the kind of woman I should be dating? What are the what are the partner qualities that lead to the most successful outcome for me, not how old or young I should be. dating. That’s the wrong question.
Damona 43:02
Girl just I’m just gonna drop the mic right there. Because that
Carmelia Ray 43:06
you might as well say 17 then like, come on, like, like, I don’t know. I mean, you know, sorry to go.
Damona 43:12
I mean, I didn’t know when I was in my early 20s. I was dating guys in their 30s. But then you’re also on a different track. I think it’s different when you’re in your third
Carmelia Ray 43:21
I was to at 23 years old by someone in his 40s and he was Uber successful, currently a multi millionaire. I wish I had seen the future.
Carmelia Ray 43:33
Because I’m like,
Carmelia Ray 43:36
I’m kidding. No, I mean, I mean, I was not ready for a serious relationship. so dizzy given name z anonymous, he’s anonymous. Okay, so Mr. Anonymous askers. Don’t ask about age. The rules say it’s 24. But beyond that, it’s all of the other things that are more important than the age of the lady that you’re dating
Damona 43:59
Carmelia you are wealth of information. Thank you so much for joining us. She is on all of the socials at Carmelia Ray. And also I forget yes yo is doing something. Yeah, well remember it’s the, it’s the magnetic making a matchmaking app. So chief Matchmaker,
Carmelia Ray 44:15
yes, I am the chief matchmaker at Censio. It’s actually launched here in LA, you can download the app at Censio and be in the spirit of giving for the month of December up until I think it’s January 1, you can use the promo code single bells, exactly how it sounds all one word. So to get one month free of unlimited matches and introductions on our app, so we welcome you to use that and can’t wait to interact with you on the love couch where you can ask questions. And yes, I’m so glad to be here. Thank you so much, Mona.
Damona 44:52
Thank you. We will put that promo code single bells in the show notes along with your social media links. Thank you for being here. Thank you. And thank you for being here to listen to Episode 288 of dates and dates again, I’m at Damona Hoffman on all of the socials. I want to hear from you. I want to know what your questions are for our upcoming dear Damona episode, so make sure you send those to me and make sure you share this episode with a friend. Next week the holidays will be in full swing, but we will still be here with our weekly episode. We’re not letting you down. My holidays are on and I know the pressure is on for you so you can count on Dates & Mates. Until then I wish you happy dating
The *Ultimate* Dates & Mates Holiday Gift Guide
THE BEST HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
Some people have a hard time shopping for their significant others during the holiday season. The pressure is on during this crucial time in a relationship. So… this year we’re gifting you with a list of our FAVORITE gift ideas for every occasion.
A first rule of thumb: Emotional value always trumps monetary value.
Get them something that shows you’ve been listening rather than something that shows you waited until the last minute and just plunked down a wad of cash instead of taking the time to choose something that your significant other would specifically want.
I’ve put together this holiday gift guide to help you think through your options if you want to make this holiday special. I’ve made it super easy for you:
You can either read through my extensive guide to picking the perfect holiday gift OR scroll down to the bottom for my cheat sheet gift guide.
IF YOU WANT TO GET BROKEN UP WITH…
A one-way ticket to relationship discord is a bad gift. This can be anything from a flat out thoughtless gift, to misconstrued presents, to showing up empty-handed.
Here are a few things to stay away from:
Electronics
From iPods to Kindles to a new microwave, if it’s got a warranty it’s an appliance—not a sign of affection. Anything that plugs in, takes batteries or is powered by the sun, no matter how cool you may think it is will be too impersonal for the first gift-giving exchange in a new relationship.
Jewelry
Dating is not the same as marriage, and even the rules of giving back the ring after divorce are muddy so why get caught up in the big expense of something that may or may not last in the long run? Or even worse, cheap jewelry will just look like you don’t care.
Diamonds are forever, but a new relationship may not be. Wait until a meaningful anniversary to give something shiny.
Clothing
Unless you’re a successful clothing designer, you’re still learning the style AND SIZE of your new mate. Instead of risking a huge fight about the difference between a petite small and a small small, opt for something a little more tailored to their taste than to their waist.
Novelty Items
Even if Spencer’s Gifts does see a huge influx of customers during the holidays, you don’t have to be one of them. A black-light poster, Snuggie or lava lamp (see No.1) may be cool in your crib, but anything that elicits a laugh may not be quite the reaction you were hoping for.
Sexy Anything
Lingerie, silk boxers, and (heaven forbid) sex toys can and will send the wrong message. Especially when your lady’s friends ask her what she received for the holidays. Save the kinky stuff until you make it to Valentine’s Day.
Nothing
Showing up empty-handed is even worse than showing up with a dildo. Even if you’re two weeks into a relationship, giving something is always better than nothing. So if you’re stumped on what to get and are only coming up with items from this list, at least make sure it’s something, not nothing.
Cards
And I don’t mean playing cards either (which would also make a terrible gift). While the simple act of giving a card is better than the dump-worthy gift of nothing, it’s still not enough. If you have to give a card, make one yourself. Make it meaningful with photos or showcase your artistic side. Rule of thumb: If someone else is quoted is on the card, choose again.
Gift Certificates
Practical, necessary and sometimes thoughtful, gift certificates can be a great gift for co-workers, employees and handymen. For anyone you sleep next to, not so much. If you know where they like to shop get them something from there with a gift receipt, not a blank check to take time out of their day to buy themselves a gift.
Home Furnishings
Because nothing says “I don’t want to see you anymore” like the gift of a fleece blanket.
Lotion or Soap
Do not be tempted by the Bed, Bath, and Beyond gift basket. Even though the sales lady says women always love it, chances are she already received several from people who don’t really give a crap about her. Try to be the exception.
Also, if someone were to give you the gift of soap, wouldn’t your first thought be, “oh my god, do I smell bad?” Definitely stay away from soap.
Money
You laugh, but it’s been done. Aside from being kind of totally rude, it shows no originality, no emotion and is really, really lame. If you’re so out of your element that you are thinking about resorting to giving the gift of green, it may be time to get some professional help.
BEFORE YOU PICK OUT A GIFT (NOTE: GUYS DEF READ THIS)
Talk and Listen
Many times women think they are dropping hints about what they want for months and weeks before the holiday. Often times men are completely oblivious to these hints. If you think you may have missed the message, simply try asking what she wants.
Even if it’s direct, it will show her that you care about her and want to get her something she would like.
What they want most is YOU
Spending quality time with you is one of the most valuable things you can give your lady. Take a moment this holiday season to treat her like the queen she is. Take the reigns in the kitchen and cook for her tonight. Offer a foot massage at the end of a long day. These gestures will mean more than anything that comes in a box.
Let’s not forget the JEWISH HOLIDAYS
If your family is anything like mine, you are planning for Christmas AND Jewish Holidays. It’s always appreciated if you do something to acknowledge every night of Hanukkah, but usually not expected. You have the opportunity to be clever though and build each gift upon the last. Perhaps you order candy hearts made that spell out a special message across the eight nights. Or give her some chocolate Hanukkah gelt nightly and then give her a guide illustrating how the number of coins corresponds to different gifts of her choice on the eighth evening. You can give her a variety of options and let her decide how she wants to spend her gelt. That will give you points for being cute and creative but also ensure that she gets exactly what she wants.
OKAY NOW HERE’S YOUR CHEAT SHEET!
FOR THE NEW BOO
Regardless of how far along you are in your relationship, from benign dating to almost boyfriend/girlfriend status – get them something for Hanukkah or Christmas.
You don’t have to overthink this gift and you should probably not spend a lot of money. However, all relationships – even new ones – do warrant some sort of acknowledgment this season.
Here are a few ideas to get you started or spark some inspiration:
Remember that what they want most is to spend time with you. Try giving the gift of an experience!
Groupon has everything from painting classes to concerts to kayaking trips.
Are they obsessed with music? Try a stylish crate for their record collection.
Have they ever mentioned wanting to make time to read more? Try gifting an Audible Membership.
FOR YOUR LONG TIME BAE
Sometimes partners can feel taken for granted after a few months or years so this is your time to remind her how special they are to you.
Again, try the gift of an experience! Do something new to get you out of your routine.
Most ladies love jewelry so if you’re not ready to pop the question (which I don’t usually recommend doing during the holidays) try a lovely necklace instead. The box MUST NOT be misleading to her. There’s nothing worse than thinking you’re getting an engagement ring and ending up with a pair of earrings.
For a guy, try a nice watch. A good watch is a timeless gift. There’s something for every price point.
Whatever you do this season, it’s a good idea to talk about how you like to spend the holidays in advance to make sure you’re on the same page.
And don’t forget to ask them out for New Year’s Eve. There’s a superstition that you’re doing on NYE alludes to what you’ll be doing the rest of your year. So make sure that this New Year’s, the fireworks aren’t only in the sky.
History’s Love Letters
I think a lot about love letters throughout history.
For most of us, it’s really hard to express how we feel about another person. Beyond the “Words of Affirmation” love language, how do you specifically express how much your special someone means to you? Why does it seem like it was so much easier in years past to write the perfect love letter?
Here are a few interesting love letters from history that I found today in Glamour’s “10 Best Love Letters Ever”:
“I can’t say how every time I ever put my arms around you I felt that I was home” – Ernest Hemingway to Marlene Dietrich
“Since I left you, I have been constantly depressed. My happiness is to be near you. Incessantly I live over in my memory your caresses, your tears, your affectionate solicitude. The charms of the incomparable Joséphine kindle continually a burning and a glowing flame in my heart. When, free from all solicitude, all harassing care, shall I be able to pass all my time with you, having only to love you, and to think only of the happiness of so saying, and of proving it to you?” – Napoleon to Joséphine
“Nothing compares to your hands, nothing like the green-gold of your eyes. My body is filled with you for days and days. You are the mirror of the night. The violent flash of lightning. The dampness of the earth. The hollow of your armpits is my shelter. My fingers touch your blood. All my joy is to feel life spring from your flower-fountain that mine keeps to fill all the paths of my nerves which are yours.” – Frida Kahlo to Diego Rivera
“Dearest — my body is simply crazy with wanting you — If you don’t come tomorrow — I don’t see how I can wait for you — I wonder if your body wants mine the way mine wants yours — the kisses — the hotness — the wetness — all melting together — the being held so tight that it hurts — the strangle and the struggle.” – Georgia O’Keeffe to Alfred Stieglitz
“Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, Be calm-love me-today-yesterday-what tearful longings for you-you-you-my life-my all-farewell. Oh continue to love me-never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved. Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours.” -Beethoven to his “Immortal Beloved”
Definitely read the rest of the article for some more interesting examples of love letters throughout history!
A few months ago, I was given the opportunity to research a specific group of love letters – ones throughout Jewish history preserved at the YIVO Institute for Jewish Research.
Most people don’t realize that I’m Jewish or think I married into it. But it’s actually a big part of my identity. I was so elated to be selected for the Reboot Fellowship and the American Jewish Historical Society to research love letters and personal stories. Here’s an excerpt from the story about me:
Damona Hoffman, the dating coach, wrote that she initially intended to explore historical love letters for an article or a segment of her podcast, Dates & Mates. But she ended up doing research for a second podcast, about the origin of names. “I was amazed by the number of personal diaries and essays with unbelievable stories that are here and unpublished/not available anywhere else,” she wrote.
If you’re curious about Reboot read the whole article here!
Love Story & Dangerous Dating Apps
LEARNING FROM LOVE STORIES
We’re all trying to navigate our own love story, but the question on everyone’s lips right now seems to be: Are dating apps dangerous?
This week, Rene Lynch, LA Times writer and editor for the LA Affairs column, talk about the best love stories that teach us the best lessons. Also we break down all of the recent bad press surrounding dangerous dating apps.
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (2:30)
Why aren’t people having sex?
According to Financial Times, there is a huge decline in the amount of sex young people are having- especially men. Damona and Rene break down what this means for you.
Are free dating apps dangerous?
A recent investigation showed that predators are free to use free dating apps. Should all dating apps use a dating app registry
Is cheating the norm?
Recently Anna Ferris and Kat Von D talk about their history with cheating exes. Is this the new normal?
LOVE STORY (14:60)
Rene Lynch, lifestyle writer and editor at the LA Times, proves that we learn a lot from other people’s love stories. We talk about:
Make sure to find Rene Lynch at the LA Times or on Twitter (@ReneLynch).
TECHNICALLY DATING
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:17
Hello lovers, welcome to Dates & Mates. I’m your host certified Dating Coach damona Hoffman. And I want to thank you for making this show your source for modern dating and relationship advice. Whether you’ve been listening to Dates & Mates for all seven years, or if you’re new to the show, you know, you can learn a lot about dating from hearing other people’s stories. And today we’re going to take a deeper look at how love stories and our quest for a happy ending can change a romantic future. In studio with me today is Renee Lynch. She is a writer and editor for the LA Times Saturday section and features. She works across a variety of coverage areas including wellness, design and food and lucky for us She’s also the editor of the weekly la affairs column, please Give big smooches to Renee Lynch.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 1:02
Thank you very much. I’m happy to be here.
Damona 1:04
I’m so happy that you’re here. I’m a big fan of the column. And you know, I love a good love story. I love a bad love story. I love all love stories, because I think you can really learn something from hearing other people’s stories. So I’m excited to get into the details of what you’ve learned from your years of editing the LA affairs column. All right. But we also have headlines and we’ll be talking about why young people really aren’t having sex anymore. And what you can learn about cheaters from Kat Von D and Ana Faris, plus, our free dating apps dangerous, huh. We’ll cover those headlines and we’ll be answering your questions, including What if he’s ready to be exclusive? And you’re not? And should you break up with a guy who has everything on paper, but just doesn’t excite you? All that and more on today’s date and mates? Renee Are you ready to do this then? I am ready. I’m so excited. Let’s dish Financial Times published a new study on how dating apps are changing relationships. And there was a lot of interesting data in this study that some of which we’ve covered before, like the marrying age is going up and people are waiting longer to actually tie the knot or deciding not to tie the knot at all. But all but what I thought was really interesting was the research on sex. It I know I have. Yes, men apparently are reporting they’re having the least amount of sex. This is a major decrease in recent years. 28% of men have not had sex in the past year versus 18% of women. And the article posits that one of the reasons is that women are the younger men are really struggling in the dating market. They’re not having sex. much because women are looking for older men. So like there’s this gap in the market where they have a high sex drive, but they’re not getting any. What did you think of this article? Renee?
Rene Lynch, LA Times 3:10
Well, I find it very surprising because the media image is that we are kind of bombarded with daily seem to suggest that everyone is having sex all the time, which makes a lot of people wonder whether there’s something wrong with them, right. I mean, we’re, you can’t drive down the freeway without seeing some kind of sexually charged image. But when you dig deeper to it, I think it, it’s not all that surprising. And it does reflect that I think it is harder for men to kind of like, meet and connect with women. I think there are variety of reasons behind that. I also think there’s an interesting parallel to this Instagram world that we see that we think everything is so perfect out there, and everybody is having so much fun, and we’ve got this fear of missing out. And yet, there’s also this incredible loneliness that’s going on in the world. And I think some of those statistics really reflect that, that there’s an emotional disconnect in a variety of ways. It’s weird as the world gets a little smaller through technology, we can reach and connect with people more than ever before. There’s still a sense of, we’re not connecting.
Damona 4:16
Yeah, I definitely see that with dating apps. And you all know, I’m a huge fan of dating apps. I think it has opened up a lot of possibilities for connection. But there’s a lot there are a lot of people that are on dating apps that aren’t actually connecting. They’re either doing it just just to waste time, or there are the people that are on the dating apps, specifically out for sex. And I feel like there’s been a pushback to people, especially women rejecting the idea that they’re on a Tinder or a hinge because they are looking to hook up. They’re like people and we actually you’ll see this in the questions from this week to people are really craving a deeper level of connection and We’re not getting it on the dating apps. But I think that has to do with the way that we’re using the apps and the mindset that you, you show up with when you’re there.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 5:08
I think that’s totally accurate. I think the dating apps kind of give us this idea of like, dial up a date, and you can just, you know, get on and in five minutes have a date. And in some cases, true, that’s probably true. But if that’s all you’re looking for, your you may find it. But if you’re looking for anything more, it’s far more complicated than that. That’s just a simplistic view, you’re not going to dial up a husband or a wife or partner, it’s just not going to happen. And so you’re you’re you we kind of have that we live in a society where we kind of get whatever we want whenever we want it. And yet, of course, there’s this huge hurdle between dialing up you know, whoever on a dating app and actually meeting and connecting so I used to call it man shopping, right?
Damona 5:52
But I did it with a clear intention. But I know a lot of people out there are getting more than they bargained for when they’re using dating apps there was a an article that hit people calm and a number of other outlets, criticizing match the parent company of many dating apps, including Tinder, and OkCupid. And plenty of fish for not doing thorough background checks on their free sites. Actually, they don’t do any background checks at all. Match itself does scrub their roles, and it kicks off anyone that does have a match to the sex offender registry. But they don’t do it for OK Cupid and plenty of fish. And there was a new investigation that revealed that sexual offenders are looking for potential victims on these free apps. Here’s my take, Renee, I think that the dating apps are not we’re making them too responsible for our choices. Like if you went to a bar and you met a sex offender, you wouldn’t go and sue the bar because you met them there and You might, you might, you probably wouldn’t win. But I, I feel like it’s unfair to put this kind of pressure and burden on dating apps, especially the free dating apps, like you didn’t pay anything to be there. And now you’re expecting all of these, all of these resources to be provided for you, but you don’t want to actually pay for them to be to be given to you. Now, I’m a little bit biased. I do work with match on content, and I’ve worked with them for many years. But I’m saying this more as a dating coach, and someone that has done this for over I’m almost embarrassed to say, for nearly 15 years, I’ve been coaching people on dating apps, and I’ve always said you have to do your own research.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 7:41
What do you I think that you make a great point. And I think in a lot of ways, you’re you’re totally right. But there’s also a reality that situation. Most people have no idea you’re sophisticated you are working in this area, you understand what it means to try to track somebody down and get some background information on them. A lot of people Just don’t have that I think about, you know, I’m a journalist. So my first reaction is if I’m going to date you, I’m probably going to look you up in our database. And but a lot of people don’t have access to that. And they might do an easy Facebook search, but they’re not going to go beyond that. I think a lot of these dating apps are in a tough situation, because they did not go into this business to be investigators. But I think on the other hand, there’s an argument to be made that just as we’re demanding more accountability from Facebook and from Twitter, we, these, these businesses realize that they are potentially putting people in the path of the sex offender, and they’re certainly not advertising that, but at some point, we do expect them to take some responsibility for it. So I think if I’m coming at this from a we are all responsible for our own actions, position. I agree with you. But I mean, at some point Do they really not have any accountability or responsibility in some ways by knowing that you You have this problem and you’re not doing anything about it. They’re there. They’re acknowledging their role and trying to step away from it. Yeah, I need to do more.
Damona 9:07
They certainly could do more. And I think they have in recent years done a lot to shore up. Just general dating data. Potential faults in their in their data sharing like it used to be when you would go search for ok key, but you could you could search the profiles were actually indexed by Google. And you could find them you could find anybody and search by their photo and it would come up as associated with Ok, Cupid. So they have since they’ve since shored that up, and it gave a lot of my clients more, more of a sense of security, that their information wasn’t all out there. But I think we also have we have to accept responsibility. Like you said, you brought up Facebook and Instagram. We have to accept responsibility that when we put our image out there and when we put our information out there that it could be used in many different ways. But you’re absolutely right that a lot of people don’t have these resources. And that’s why I’m glad that people are listening to this podcast right now. Because I’ve said for a long time you have to do you have to do your research, like do a google check, do a phone call before the day and see if anything doesn’t match up with what what they’ve said. And if if they’re, if they’re a registered sex offender, or if they have a criminal record, you might be able to find some of that information just from a basic Google search. So that at the very least you should be doing if you have any concerns about this, or go to match and pay for it. Like maybe what they should be doing is adding an like an app an add on service that you can pay to have background checks. I know, Bumble lets you verify your account. But maybe there’s an added level of security they can give to people that aren’t willing to pay for the service because not free.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 10:56
Right. Right. That’s a very good point. I mean, we shouldn’t expect that this is all going to be handed to us for free. I think this also speaks a bit to a generational divide. Millennials, they know their way around all this stuff. They’re much more savvy. But I think if somebody like my mom who is widowed, if she were to go on a dating app, she would fall for every anything because she doesn’t use a computer she doesn’t know. You know, it would be it would be a hard asset to just get her on a dating app. But some people are just not that sophisticated there. And I shouldn’t say sophisticated because sometimes people are just not interested in living their life connected to the internet and a computer. And should those people be more susceptible to, you know, a bad actor? I would say no, but I do think that we have, we can’t expect that this is all going to be handed to us for free. I do think that a pay option. That’s something that seems fairly reasonable.
Damona 11:49
Well, we’ve given them all the all the information they need. Hopefully they’ll pick it up and run with anyone credit for it. But one thing that’s a little bit harder to tell when you’re on a dating app is whether someone is in a relationship or not. I’ve read in some of the LA affairs stories people find out later on that the person they thought they were madly in love with was already madly in love with someone else and in a relationship with them. And Kat Von D and Ana Faris, normal normalize to the the phenomenon of cheating on the unqualified podcast and you look at these two ladies and you think who’s gonna cheat on Kat Von D. First of all, she’s gorgeous. Second of all, I feel like she like she she would cut you your life. But she says she’s dated nothing but jerks and has never been on a real date. She claims a past boyfriend cheated on her Renee 18 times while they were together she she looked in she saw in his email and messages that there were 18 different women that he had she verified He had had sex with while they were together. What is going on? You’ve been editing this column for a long time. Is there an increase that you see in submissions? of Cheaters or do you think it’s just like now we’re talking about it more before it was just so taboo that people wouldn’t discuss if it happened to them?
Rene Lynch, LA Times 13:21
I don’t I can’t say that I see an increase in it I can tell you that a lot of the submissions we get have to do with cheating. But before I get to some examples, on a Ferris we had I had the pleasure of meeting her once in studio she came into the LA Times. so incredibly nice, incredibly, you can always tell them Sure, you can bet your shares celebrities, you can always tell how they treat everyone else. She was so pleasant and when I heard that story, I thought who would cheat on Anna you be getting me It’s horrible. What What luck to the rest of us have? But we we you know, it’s not.
Damona 13:55
It’s not about that it’s not about even reading this week, Justin Timberlake I was holding hands I was like Justin and like you like you’re not going to do better than Jessica he’ll it’s not going to happen john What is going on?
Rene Lynch, LA Times 14:11
But it’s it’s really shocking how often that happens and I am sure there’s you could do a whole show on the psychology of cheating but people I think go into relationships expecting that the person is if they are in a monogamous relationship they’re expecting that the person is going to be honest with them. And my god the LA affair submissions just show time and time again that that is not the case. And and it sometimes just seems so, so surprising that the person didn’t catch on one of our more popular columns had to do with a woman who was I can’t exactly remember all the details of this, but she found out that her boyfriend had her phone number in his phone, but under a guy’s name and she did not Real that’s how she found out red flag right? Somehow his phone rang or she would she called the phone Oh, they were looking for his phone or something. And the phone rang and she’s like, why do you have me in here as Tony? Take it all fell apart. It was funny about that, as so many people did not understand who were read the column that that is a common practice that people do. They’ll hide the person’s name and their phone under another name so that if the phone rings and their partner says, Oh, it’s Tony from work or Joe from work, it’s not another woman calling.
Damona 15:29
So in that situation, she was the other woman.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 15:32
Yes. She found that’s how she found out that she was the other woman. I know.
Damona 15:36
That is just the worst. What are some other other other red flags that you’ve seen? Or, or patterns that you’ve seen that cheaters will do? Because I know people are listening like, I gotta take some notes here from Renee because I need to know because I think a lot of people have suspicions like, what if my partner is cheating on me or has cheated on me? But are there any things that You should really be on the lookout for like, like, is only being able to see you on the weekends like, Is that an automatic red flag? Are there any other things you’ve seen? Well,
Rene Lynch, LA Times 16:10
I think it particularly in LA some of those rules that might apply elsewhere are difficult in LA because when I was dating my husband, I, we lived about 40 miles apart. We only saw each other on weekends. So he could have had an entire other family and told her that he was going on business trips for the weekend, and I wouldn’t have known it. So those rules do not always apply. I would say, to step back a little bit further before you try to figure out if somebody is cheating. Have you had the conversation? Are we in this together? And it’s just us too? Are we monogamous? Are we? You know, is it just as to we published a story not too long ago by a woman and I have to tell you, I had a hard time editing the column a little bit because I was struggling to understand her point of view, she met a guy, they hit it off, they go on their first date, and then after their First Date she does her due diligence and starts googling him and finds out I believe through Facebook, that he’s in these photos with another woman and kids and she’s trying to figure out what this is. And she calls him in a fury. And he says, we’ll wait a second. I’m Yes, I’m married. However, I am in the process of getting divorced. I have a great relationship with my wife. She knows I’m dating, and we’re separated and we’re in the process of getting a divorce. I don’t know is that is that a problem? This woman went through the roof over that, but I don’t know.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 17:32
I don’t know about disclosing all that on your first date. I feel like I kind of felt for him.
Damona 17:38
I feel like he should say before the date, just so you know I am. I mean, you have to say that you’re separated, not divorced. And that’s a really common. That’s a really common cheater move. Right right to say, oh, we’re in the process. I mean, how many times we heard that I’m leaving my way. But tomorrow,
Rene Lynch, LA Times 17:59
but It’s true. It’s true. I mean, I guess I
Damona 18:03
was like, so, so jaded.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 18:05
Should you have to reveal everything on the first day? I don’t know. I personally would have appreciated that being revealed on the first day. But I think sometimes people find out that their quote unquote being cheated on, and maybe they haven’t had the conversation about are we monogamous?
Damona 18:20
No one else such a good point. I also read a recent la affairs column where a woman was talking about her dating patterns. And she said that in all of the, the, the relationships or the date she she had the intuition, she had the gut early on, that they were not a good guy or they weren’t, weren’t right for her. And so many times, we just squash that and we put our intuition aside. And those of you who’ve been listening to the podcast for a while, know that I’m really big into using that intuition and trusting your gut. Because we could we can do all the steps but ultimately, we can do background checks, but I think the best background check is it starts with how do you feel when you’re with them? And what are the signals that you’re getting? Yeah,
Rene Lynch, LA Times 19:07
you’re totally right. I i in particular loved that column because I worked with her on that for quite a bit. It had a very different tone to it. In the very beginning, she was very down on herself that this was never going to work out. And, you know, this is all horrible. And then as we work through it, ice center will it actually seems like you’re, we need to play up that idea that you have listened to your intuition and it ended up being a much more I think inspirational column because, you know, think about how many dates you’ve gone on in your life. You’ve had far more dates that did not end up in you being married then the date that got you married, right, so are you a dating failure? If you look at the statistics, you are right, you are more bad dates that didn’t go anywhere today. True. And so I think we have to not take the bad date as like a sign of that. Some thing is horrible. It just didn’t work out. It didn’t work out if you went shopping, and you didn’t find the black pair pants that you were looking for you and be like, I’m a failure to shop another day, right? Like you would just be like, I’m ready to get back in the hunt and look for those pants. I think we need to approach dating a little more like that. It’s not the end all be all, you know, referendum on who you are as a person. You’re just trying to find your match, trying to find your person. And that takes time. And it’s not a big deal. It’s like calm down. It’s all going to be okay. didn’t work out the Saturday, maybe next Saturday is your day. So uplifting
Damona 20:34
and I totally agree with you. Speaking of time, it’s time for us to take a little break. And first I wanted to just acknowledge our listeners that have told their friends about the podcast and that have told other podcast listeners about the podcast through reviews. Special thanks to Nicole who just left us this review. She said I enjoy listening to this podcast on my way to work every Monday. Not to sound arrogant or anything But she’s the host is funny and engaging. And she always has a wide variety of love and dating themes to themes to address you won’t be disappointed. Thank you so much, Nicole for listening. And thanks to all of you who are dedicated to listening to this podcast. Please take a moment to review the show on the podcast platform that is bringing it to your ears right now. So the more people can get the help and love that they need and we can keep making Dates & Mates a free resource for you for seven more seasons. We will have more with Renee Lynch of the la times in just a moment.
We are back with Renee Lynch of the LA Times. She is the editor of the LA affairs column which I’ve been a fan of for a long time. Renee, people love a love story. They love a good love story. And we’re sometimes really addicted to happy endings. I’m curious because you read a lot of love stories What’s your favorite kind of love story?
Rene Lynch, LA Times 22:12
I you know, I love a good love story where there’s a lot of drama and obstacles before you get to the to the wonderful payoff. I just think that I love the story where it slowly revealed itself kind of like When Harry Met Sally story the way we knew it slowly revealed itself that Wait a second, the person I’ve wanted all along, or the perfect person for me is right here.
Damona 22:39
So much more like people are like, how did you know your husband was the one and I’m like, I don’t know cuz I just wanted to keep seeing him and not seeing anybody else. It wasn’t like, all of a sudden whiz bang like the music change and I swept off my
Rene Lynch, LA Times 22:55
feet and we danced off into the sunset.
Damona 22:58
I don’t know. Did you hear you’re married. Did you know when you first met your husband? He was the one No,
Rene Lynch, LA Times 23:05
my husband, I’m a very silly person. And my husband for is also very silly person, which that’s why I love him. I always say he’s the goof to my ball. Our first few dates, he was so serious, and just so kind of like this kind of commanding and control very serious personality. And I was like, No, like, No, no, no, no, no. And we actually went on a date we went golfing and I told a friend I go he doesn’t know this but he’s got one shot like this date. This is about to be over
Damona 23:38
way this was your this is your first
Rene Lynch, LA Times 23:41
No, this is like your this is the person I’m married to now
Damona 23:43
but how many dates and more dates Okay, so this is like the date it and
Rene Lynch, LA Times 23:47
I was like, This guy is just too serious. And it because I felt like I couldn’t be my ridiculous silly self because I felt like he was like disapproving and like why are you being loud or silly or whatever. And so we go coughing and we are in the parking lot at the end of the night and we’re about it we were two different cars are about to go our second way and somebody starts playing Britney Spears hit me Baby One More Time started doing the dancer, Brittany’s my god parking lot and I was like, will you marry me?
Rene Lynch, LA Times 24:20
That is a bold move or a guy
Rene Lynch, LA Times 24:22
I couldn’t like I wish I had a camera on my face because the shock of like, is this guy really doing this right now? And he had the whole like he was doing the whole thing. And I thought okay, well you just one date number five.
Damona 24:35
But it’s I like hearing that story because it shows how people really reveal themselves over time and I talk on the show a lot about slow love and how people are not usually themselves right away and true. Like people get so caught up in chemistry and what am I feeling on the first date, but it’s really the second, the third, the fourth and the fifth date. Yeah, that really tells you who that person is? I’m curious what made you stick with it beyond the first or second day because there are a lot of people that after a soso or a bad first date might just be like,
Rene Lynch, LA Times 25:13
you know, there was enough there. He’s very handsome. There was no is there? Yes, that always helps. And we we kept finding weird things in common. Like we were reading the same book at the time. And you know, just like an odd little thing. And it wasn’t a new book. It was an old it was Lance Armstrong’s book. It’s not about the bike. Before Lance. Yeah, youngsters, Grace. And he knew, you know, so he was able to talk about that. And then we would just find these like weird little things in common. And I just found this he is he’s Puerto Rican, he’s very close to his family. And that’s something that I really admired. And there were just little things that I thought this is a really a stand up guy. I was just really worried that I that I wasn’t I was like, maybe not measuring up, it was really this kind of like weird thing where I thought, I’m kind of like, you know, I’ll say silly stuff, I’ll just I’m kind of a very relaxed person. And he just seemed like a little too uptight. And I thought, Oh, this is not gonna work out
Damona 26:13
the best behavior with you. Right?
Rene Lynch, LA Times 26:14
Well, that said he was really nervous. And so it took us a while to I think, I think a slow burn is such a great way to describe it, that it took a while for it to unfold and reveal itself. And that was the relationship that really made me understand that I would say if you have two things that you need in a relationship, it’s compatibility. And also attraction. I mean, you need to have some attraction to the person that you’re with. But if you are not compatible, I think that the media image that we often get is that you need to have a fiery tempestuous Lake relationship. And I’m like, Girl run on and run late. I do not want that. Like, maybe that’s great for a hot summer romance, but that is not what you want when the roof is leaking. Getting in the kid is crying and the bills need to be paid. You want slow, steady compatible somebody who who your spending habits are similar. Somebody that you know that you can rely on, you don’t mean that that you know exactly.
Damona 27:16
What’s interesting about the LA affaires column and the work that you do with it, you get submissions, you get like hundreds of submissions every month. And I’m guessing
Rene Lynch, LA Times 27:28
No, it’s true. I tell people, I could run the column if I stopped accepting submissions today, I could run it like through 2015. I mean, I have it literally in my quote unquote short stack. I have probably 150 columns in the short stack.
Damona 27:41
Wow. So this is anyone in LA that has a love story that wants to tell something about about their journey. And I’m curious when you have all of these stories, I’m sure everyone feels like their story is the most important one to be told. But what is it that makes you pick one out over the other and then talking about A little bit about your process of how you take this core idea. Like we all tell the story from our point of view, like this happened, and he did this to me, but like, like the example you were telling about before the break, how you shape it to almost give them new perspective on the story that they’ve lived.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 28:16
I feel like doing this job is kind of being a little bit of a therapist for people, always, because I’ll see something in their story. And they don’t see it because they’ve lived it, right. It’s, it’s staring them in the face, and I’ll start to ask them about it. And then it’ll slowly fall away that this the story isn’t over here. It’s actually on the other side of the room. It’s over here. And part of that is the editing process. When columns come in, first and foremost, I’m looking for a really great story. I tell people do not worry about filing a perfectly polished, edited manuscript. That’s not what I want or need, because I’m the editor. I can guarantee you that whatever you file, no matter what shape it’s in, I’m going to find some changes because the style changes for the paper. Like for example, we don’t use profanity. So just like maybe that makes us old school but you know, changes will be major columns. So first and foremost, I’m just looking for a good story. Tell me a good story. Pretend you are you and I just met, we’re sitting next to each other having coffee and they say so you know, tell me about your last date or your partner, whatever. Start typing. That’s what I want. Just tell me a good story. And then from there, I’m looking for something original. I’m, you know, if you if you read the column, I’m just looking for something perhaps offbeat. I love a story that ends up happening an inspirational aspect to it like that woman who I think is like so many of us, we think, Oh, I went on another bad date. There’s something wrong with me. And we were able to finally get to the point where she already understood but she wasn’t fully embracing it. That when you walk away from a bad day, you’re walking towards yourself. You’re that is a victory. You put that in the win column sister You do not walk away from that feeling bad. about that. And so I loved that I’m working on a column with a man right now, it’s probably going to take a while it’ll run early next year, and he and his partner broke up because of his drinking. And when they get back together, you know, it’s it’s very difficult challenge for them to recover their relationship. But he, he really comes to the idea that so many people do who struggle with substance abuse that he had to say no to that in order to say yes to the relationship. And it’s just a really beautiful inspirational story. And I’m fully convinced that somebody will read that column. And he was very upset with his partner because he felt like his partner was rejecting Him and not accepting him. But the partner was saying, I cannot have this alcoholism in my life. And so I’ve seen enough of right
Damona 30:47
intervention to know that line.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 30:50
And so I’m sure that people will read that column and somebody somewhere will read that column and say, You know what, I’m going to stop drinking today. And so that to me, I want to Love that I get to do something like that it’s an honor and a privilege.
Damona 31:04
You just gave me chills honestly to know that you’re impacting people that are reading this on on such a deep level and even just the people that you’re writing that you’re editing the column with, to know that they can get new perspective because our stories really sometimes trap us in a pattern. Like all the time when I’m working with clients, I, I help figure out what is that story that’s playing in your head about why you’re still single, maybe it’s you’re telling yourself every day there are no good men in LA or I can’t trust my gut or they’re all cheaters whatever that story is. Sometimes you have to take a step back from it and maybe even in writing it out. Like not everyone listening to this podcast is going to have their their story published in LA affairs, but maybe they can get started by just writing down their story on paper, getting the story out of them. And then almost distancing it Yes, it’s yourself from it to just read it and say Okay, where How have I grown from this? What can I learn from this? How can I become a better person myself through this experience, and then maybe that will lead me to?
Rene Lynch, LA Times 32:12
Well, I think you have just hit right on it that I sometimes think that we think like life is just supposed to be perfect and unfold. But we all know we come with so much baggage, and then you’re meeting somebody else who has baggage. And we’re both trying to see if our baggage will fit within it, each other’s baggage. And if you’re coming from the perspective of like, I can’t find, you know, there are no good women in LA or I can’t find a date or there’s something wrong with me. In some ways, I would encourage people to do exactly what you said, which is, instead of using this as a negative use it as an opportunity for personal growth. We are in the land of of personal growth, right? There’s no place in the world that encouraged us to look within like LA, we should take advantage of that. And maybe it’s seeing somebody maybe it’s talking to somebody maybe it’s trying to journal or Right about it there are plenty of free online resources. But why not delve into? Why am I finding it hard to meet a woman in LA? Do I really believe that all women are bad look, let’s push back on that belief and see what happens when I start digging into it is what happened in my background that has led me to believe that and then what am I going to move past that? I mean, be the hero of your own story right? Every good hero needs an obstacle. You gotta like go around it or through it or under it or whatever just in
Damona 33:28
the third act
Rene Lynch, LA Times 33:31
it’s not the end but but I think we can often give up right we can often give up just before the breakthrough so I think we the way you put it is just perfect. We just need to push through that and sometimes for some people writing it down and submitting it to a column like Ella fares or or someplace else or maybe even writing it down and burning it in the backyard and being like I’m now done with that. I’m ready to move on.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 33:51
Oh, yeah,
Damona 33:52
right. I did that. Actually. I had a I had a group of girlfriends over in in the I guess it was in the summer, spring or summer, and we got a fire pit and we all we burned our stories. And this woman had this relationship that she was still holding on to a lot of negativity around it. And she was still processing it, even though she was in a healthy, positive relationship. Now she still had unfinished business. And so she took all of these photos, all of these letters, all of these things that were tying her to the past and she burned them. She burned them in my backyard. And it was just so cathartic.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 34:36
Okay, now you’re
Damona 34:38
just to see, I mean, y’all like fire safety, like don’t like make sure you are doing this in a way which I didn’t do that but you know, like, have a professional or water or something, I don’t know. But just just seeing her go through that and, and be able to, to release that. Like we carry around all these feelings that we attend. To the stories that we’ve had,
Rene Lynch, LA Times 35:01
right, and you know what it’s okay to have a wonderful relationship that for whatever reason, didn’t work out, it’s totally fine. And it’s fine to reflect on that and maybe remember that person and think about him or her fondly. But that it’s think sometimes things just don’t work out. And that’s just the way it is. And it’s okay. It’s not a reflection on who you are. It’s just a reflection on that moment in time. And that can actually be a beautiful thing, right that you had a, you know, a summer boyfriend or summer girlfriend, and it was great, and then it didn’t work out. But that’s a wonderful memory to have not baggage to kind of like drag into like your next 17 relationships. Exactly.
Damona 35:39
You are so wise, Renee. I’m like, I’m getting all of the chills and all the fields here. And all of our listeners have submitted questions to all of our listeners. Some of our listeners have submitted questions that I think our listeners would really want to hear your insights to the questions that they’ve submitted. So we’re going to roll right into our next segment. Alright, Renee, we have questions from our listeners that people have submitted all kinds of ways. We get questions through email, through Instagram, through Facebook, through Twitter. And today I have a question that came to my inbox. That said, Hi damona I recently started internet dating and I’ve met some nice guys, but none that really blow me away. I’ve been asked by one of them to stop seeing the other men to see if this relationship can work. I’m in my 40s and the endless dating cycle is tiring, but I do not want to settle for the man that is giving me the most attention and who’s the most demanding? Any advice? Ooh, that is a hard one. That is a hard one is a burden hand.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 36:45
Yeah, she has a burden. And I guess I I would wonder, first of all, I’d love to know a little more about her dating history. How she got to this point, what is your story? What is your story? But I mean, what about Giving it a certain amount of time so that you’re not putting too much into it but maybe four or five more dates or say, I mean, I can kind of understand somebody saying like, can we make this monogamous or at least make it about us? For now, I think I would be so anxious if I knew my boyfriend were leaving me and dating somebody. Like, I just think that would just ratchet up my anxiety.
Damona 37:24
But in the beginning, you were you were online. Right? Right. And you knew in the beginning the chances chances were he was dating other people.
Rene Lynch, LA Times 37:32
But once we started dating a few more dates, and once he did his little bit,
Rene Lynch, LA Times 37:39
you know, we never actually had the conversation of are we is this are we exclusive, but we just kind of knew we were exclusive. But Had I known that he were out dating other women. I think that would have been, I think I would have at some point said can we make this just about us? I think that would have been a little hurtful, so I can understand somebody’s asking for that. I mean, if he says I need you to never date another man again for the next 10 years, I think you say you got to get out of here. But saying if let’s put our emphasis on this and see if we can work six, eight weeks. I don’t know that doesn’t seem that doesn’t seem unreasonable.
Damona 38:15
You’re giving me food for thought running because my initial reaction was if she’s not excited about him, and he’s already at the point where he’s saying, Let’s be exclusive, that maybe they’ve given it enough time to see if it’s working or not. And for her, it’s just not working. And
Rene Lynch, LA Times 38:32
well, that’s why I wondered about her background because I wonder if she I wondered if she is a little bit like me who was like, Wait, you’re not bringing fireworks and like 3000 roses on our first date? She this isn’t very exciting. Yeah. I
Damona 38:48
Well, there’s a clue in here. She says the endless dating cycle is tiring. And I know a lot of our listeners struggle with that. Especially she says she’s in her 40s we have a lot of listeners in their 30s and Does it feel like I’ve been doing this, I’ve been like, on this in this rat race of dating, and it’s like wash, rinse repeat of I’m going on this date, I’m not really connecting with a guy I’m this far in, I don’t really want to break up with him because I don’t want to start over. Right? Like that fear of starting over can keep people in the wrong relationships. But by the same token, I totally hear what you’re saying, like you have to be looking at the bigger picture of what, what you need out of the relationship. And maybe if it’s not, you’re not checking all the boxes. But if you’re checking enough of the boxes, you know, maybe it is worth just just focusing
Rene Lynch, LA Times 39:39
and committing for a little bit and saying like, if you are invested in this relationship, what would that look like? I can guarantee you that if you and I are in a relationship, and we’re totally committed to each other, it’s going to look very different than if I’m dating five other people. And so I’m not giving you my all I’m not giving you all my attention. That person is going to feel that but again, I’m a little curious as to what it what are her expectations about a relationship? I guarantee you that I do not check all of my husband’s boxes, I’m sure. He would be like, I would like somebody who’s maybe a little more organized. There’s there are definitely things that he will be like, I wish I could change about her. But if you’re, you know, checking most of them. He’s the person who, if he is my desert island person, I want him on that desert island. Is he perfect? No, he’s not perfect. But at some point, you just get to that point where you think this person is very, very special to me, and I want them in my life more than I don’t want them in my life.
Damona 40:41
Okay, that’s a good segue into our second question, which is similar but different. This one came to me from Instagram. She says I’m a 20 year old female. She said I just listened to a podcast you were on. I’m not sure which one but thank you for listening. Maybe horrible decisions or maybe kind of dating but thank you for Much. Lately I’ve been really struggling in my relationship. He’s a great guy and we share a lot of the same values. The thing is I was never really attracted to him and never felt the spark. Never felt the spark, Renee. I thought I could get past it because we do share similar values for the future and in life, but I have been nitpicking and criticizing him for a few months.
Surviving The Holidays While Single
A Few Dating Dangers For Singles To Avoid This Holiday Season
Navigating the holidays can be hard when your parents keep asking why you’re still single. Top it all off with dating app fatigue, and Millennials & Gen Zers are ditching dating apps more than ever. But mostly, holiday dating app fatigue comes around due in large part to awkward questions from relatives.
How many times have you heard something on the order of, “Why are you still single” or “when are you going to settle down?” Be prepared for all of the awkward questions because you’re going to get them.
If you don’t want to talk about why you’re single during the holidays, share all the accomplishments that you want to share instead of focusing on the negative. If all else fails and they just keep asking, tell them some of your bad date stories.
Here are a few tips on handling awkward conversations with relatives:
1. Stay optimistic about dating apps.
Dating apps are the most powerful tool in your dating tool box. If you’re feeling down about dating apps just remember this:
Now more than ever daters are finding love online. But regardless of this shift, people do tend to get down on dating apps around the holidays. Often parents and relatives don’t understand that online dating is the norm now. The latest news may not have helped that…
2. Tell your parents the dating apps aren’t dangerous.
You may have seen in the news that the safety of some of the best dating apps has been called into question. A recent investigation proved that registered sex offenders are finding victims through free dating apps and websites such as Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish, and more.
This is terrifying. But, it’s also an opportunity to examine 1) which dating apps you are using and 2) how we are filtering potential dates.
On episode #287 Dates & Mates, Damona discussed this with Rene Lynch, editor of LA Affairs in the LA Times. They break down this controversy:
3. Think about dedicating some extra time to dating.
Damona always encourages daters to be proactive in finding love. And since we’re all on holiday, let’s take advantage of all the free time! A good rule of thumb is to dedicate five hours a week or more to your dating process.
4. If you’re experiencing dating app fatigue, take a break!
We have all been there. Sometimes you get tired of the seemingly endless and monotonous game of swiping. But once you take a step back, you realize that the dating apps are more than just swiping at faces.
If you’re in a dating rut, make sure you take some time to regroup. As Damona says, it’s better to take a break than to bring the wrong energy into dating.
5. Revisit making IRL connections.
While you’re taking a break from dating apps, make an effort to meet people in real life and be more conscious about the kind of person you are looking for. You can actively search in relevant spaces where you can find potential matches with common interests.
6. Where’s your match hiding?
If you’re looking for someone that has a professional career, you might want to go downtown at happy hour and chat up the people that work in those office buildings. Or if you’re looking for someone who has a big heart, try attending a charity event and places with people who make philanthropy a part of their lifestyle.
Do you have a dating resolution for next year? Reach out to us on socials (@DamonaHoffman on all platforms). Happy dating!
Sun Signs & Zodiac Compatibility
IS LOVE COMPATIBILITY WRITTEN IN THE STARS?
It’s Thanksgiving week, the last thing we’re thinking is dating, right? Wrong. It so happens that this week is also Damona’s birthday week and we thought we’d take some time to explore love according to the stars.
People always ask Damona: Can astrology help you find the one?
And the answer is… a lot more in-depth than we expected. So Damona brought in Astrologer Rachel Lang to explain Zodiac compatibility in honor of her birthday week!
More on that later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (2:30)
The Real Deal with Pick Up Artists
Screenshot Mag asks, Is the dating industry failing daters? Pick up artistry seems to be a very popular sector of the dating industry and it gets a lot of criticism. Damona explains.
How do you explain “it’s complicated” to your parents?
Another year, another round of explaining your relationship status to your parents over Thanksgiving. How do you explain more complicated relationship terms to your parents? Damona and Rachel have thoughts.
A little twist in Mr. Rogers’ love story
Mr. Rogers is one of the most wholesome men in history. It’s not surprising that the story of how he proposed to his wife, Joanne, is just as sweet as you would expect. Story time!
ZODIAC COMPATIBILITY (14:60)
Love in the stars
Rachel is an astrologer, psychic medium, and healer who has been developing her spiritual gifts more than 20 years. She helps her clients maximize the potential of their natal charts as well as upcoming transits and progressions. You’ve seen her work in publications like Bustle, Well+Good, Brit + Co, Romper, PopSugar, and more.
So basically, she’s more than qualified to answer your questions on astrology.
We go in-depth on:
Make sure to find Rachel Lang on Instagram (@rachellang11) or online at rachellangastrologer.com.
TECHNICALLY DATING (37:00)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:00
Hello lovers, welcome to Dates & Mates. I’m your host certified Dating Coach Damona Hoffman and we are here to handle all of the challenges that you’re dealing with in love as I have on the show for the last seven years and hope to do for the next seven years. This week is a really special week. I know it’s Thanksgiving, and you’re thinking this is going to be a Thanksgiving-themed show. And that was initially what I was thinking about. But then I realized it’s also my birthday. And people ask me all the time about astrology and compatibility and I thought why not let my birthday be the reason to look into compatibility, in love according to the stars. People are always asking me how to know if the person they’re with is the one and whether astrology can tell them the answer.
And I don’t know the answer. But as usual, I do know someone who does. And it’s my good friend, Rachel Lang. Rachel is an astrologer, psychic medium and a healer who has been developing her spiritual gifts for more than 20 years. I mean, she looks like she’s 20. But she’s been developing years, I guess, more than 20 years as well as knowing the ins and outs of astrology. And there’s so much to know she helps clients maximize the potential of their Natal charts as well and their upcoming transits and progressions. If you don’t know what that means. We’ll talk about it a little bit later in the show. You’ve seen her work and many publications including Bustle, Brit + Co, Romper, Pop Sugar, you’ve seen her on the Dates & Mates show. It’s been many mercury returns since then, it is time for you to return again, please give big switches to Rachel Lang.
Rachel Lang 1:57
Thanks so much for having me on the show. I’m excited to talk about two of my favorite subjects, astrology and love.
Damona 2:03
This is such a hot topic. And people ask me all the time like how do I know if this person is the one? How do I like people want to know more about themselves in love and and I’ve studied with you in classes I am nowhere near I am like a zygote infant in the world of astrology and you know so much I was like, we just have to have Rachel to tell us what all of this stuff means because the birth chart really is it is a window into your path your soul.
Rachel Lang 2:35
Absolutely, yes. And I would say that you know more than you let on that you know. So give yourself a little bit of credit pat yourself on the back.
Damona 2:45
I did study I studied very hard at your astrology one on one course. But you’re the master. I’m really glad that you’re here today.
And I’m glad you’re here to talk about the headlines with me including the real deal about pickup artists and how do you explain your it’s complicated status To your parents. Plus, a surprising twist to the love story of Mr. Rogers and his wife, Joanne.
And then we’ll be answering your questions, including, is it a red flag if he brings up the bedroom before you’ve even met? And is it possible to date without dating apps? We’ll talk about all of those things on today’s Dates & Mates. Rachel, are you ready to do this?
Rachel Lang
I’m Ready
Damona
Screenshot Mag is wondering: is the dating industry regressing now, as a dating coach, I have seen a lot of evolutions. I’ve been doing this for 16 years, starting out as a profile writer and then becoming specifically a life coach and dating coach. But I have seen the number of dating coaches in dating coaches increase. But according to this article, while the dating coach industry is growing, the pickup artists industry is growing faster and for those of you who aren’t quite up to speed on what that means. It’s like Have you heard of the game? Or like any of these terms like negging where a guy will sort of put down a girl to lower self esteem and make her more receptive to his advances? there? It’s a lot of strategies and manipulation that get someone to say yes to you to fall for you, but it’s not really it’s not what I do. I really coach people more for relationships for for life partnerships, that’s my expertise. And I don’t want to knock pickup artists because I think there is a value in having someone to help you build confidence, but I don’t think it should come at the expense of someone else’s well being.
Rachel Lang 4:47
Absolutely because I think when someone’s approaching, dating or approaching, attracting someone to be in a relationship, if you’re starting from a place of inauthenticity, then they’re really Relationships not going to ever start on a solid ground. Plus, I think we’re moving out of this paradigm this like hetero normative paradigm that we’ve been in, where men are stereotypically acting a certain way and women are, are a certain way. And we’ve expanded our consciousness is expanded as a as a culture as a, as a human body. We’ve expanded beyond this. So I think some of those ideas that these pickup artists are, you know, talk, you know, the, that they’re like, Yeah, well, I can’t find the mode and some of those ideas are really steeped in, in an old model of relationships. And an old model of, you know of male and female gender norms.
Damona 5:54
Yeah, I wasn’t even actually thinking about that. So I’m glad that you brought up like this, this whole heteronormative like a man’s supposed to act this way a woman supposed to act that way? The part that really bothers me This is a huge industry. According to this article, the pickup artist community, not the dating coach community, specifically, artist 100 million dollar a year business. And I see these advertisements. What it does is it, it really preys on people’s weak spots.
And I’ve seen,
I’ve seen it sort of, it’s the marketing that bothers me. I’ve seen an evolution actually with a lot of people that were really entering the industry as pickup artists, they’re starting to move into my lane, and they’re like, we’ll hook you with all of that, you know, get her to sleep with you. But then when you get there, it actually is a lot of the personal development and wellness. I just wish we didn’t have to do that kind of messaging to get people to be invested in personal growth.
Rachel Lang 6:58
Hmm. as a as a Dating Coach, do you struggle sometimes with that those kinds of people kind of coming into your territory or, or some of the the gray area around that
Damona 7:10
I have abundance mindset, Rachel, which you could probably tell from my charge areas in your chart. So I’ve never thought this person is taking possible clients away from me, I think there are clients that are going to be attracted to that sort of marketing and their clients. I it’s very clear, that’s not what I’m about. So the men that listen to the show, and the men that work with me tend to be tend to be looking for something different. So I think everybody can have a seat at the table. Everybody can come to the party, as long as we’re like treating one another with respect, right, right. And coming from a place of authenticity is big for me, like you just said, Yeah, well, if you have, maybe you followed some of my strategies, and now you’re you’ve moved into a relationship, but sometimes there’s this gray area where you’re in Relationship maybe you’re in a situation ship, maybe you’re in a no labels relationship. And that gets complicated over the holidays, doesn’t it? Rachel? Yes, it does. Now, I will say I have not actually been in a situation where I brought a no label relationship home to my parents elite daily talks about how to discuss this relationship with your parents and the factors that make them either accepting of it or rejecting in if if they have strong feelings about it. You know, a lot of people still have very traditional families that want the heteronormative relationship, the these certain trajectory of now you’re dating and now you’re engaged. Now you’re getting married, and now you’re having kids. And I just find now so many people want to follow a different path, but I haven’t experienced that that I haven’t experienced before. Moment of needing to say, Hey Mom, this is my friend, but not having a label to it. Have you been in that situation before?
Rachel Lang 9:09
Well, you know, I have so and I, you know what I came I came out of the closet pretty early in my late teens. And, and there were times when I had friends who were sort of were friends, but there was always like this, you know, and often I would just avoid the whole topic. I mean, I would just categorize the person as a friend and I wouldn’t tell my my family that that there was something more. So there was for me it was a there was a double layer of this is uncomfortable the subject matter is is is touchy. So I understand that the dilemma of how do you how do you how do you tell your parents that, you know, because I think what it all boils down to is when you’re in an undefined relationship. It’s perhaps a sexual relationship. And you might not want to tell your parents that you’re sleeping with this person. And so I think just keeping the whole sexual keeping the relationship and the sexual aspect of the relationship separated in your mind, in your conversations with your parents, I think that’s one way to approach it. Like, we don’t have to tell them everything that we’re doing
Damona 10:23
know. And as a parent, I’m like, there’s some things they don’t get to know. Yeah. But I also think why put yourself in an awkward situation. Hmm. If you know that you’re going to get questions from your parents that maybe your no labels relationship can exist in your world. And if it’s not going to be accepted by your parents,
Rachel Lang 10:44
just don’t even get up through it. Exactly. Exactly.
Damona 10:48
Well, this was a surprise to me. You know, there’s this new Mr. Rogers movie coming out with Tom Hanks playing Mr. Rogers. I watched the documentary not that long ago. And you know, I thought They’re going to find some deep dark things and Mr. Rogers closet like nobody is that nobody is that nice and kind and altruistic. According to the documentary according to like l the biographers, Mr. Rogers, just a nice good guy, nice good guy. And there was a new article that that revealed the details in biography calm or revealed the details of his proposal to his wife and the I didn’t realize they had been together since college days. He was transferring colleges and she was like, going to welcome this new perspective student and they they hit it off and but then they were different year they were finishing a different year so they kind of had this long distance on again off again relationship. So we had to propose to her by letter, which shows I think is the sweetest thing and the funny thing you think like Mr. Rogers, it should be like a total claimed she was like in a she called him from like a phone booth. Yeah. And there was like graffiti scrawled. And the only answer she could get out when she, she accepted was we don’t really swear on the show but it was like sh It was like not at all what you would think of Fred Rogers wife saying right to his proposal. Yeah, this is a really sweet story
Rachel Lang 12:22
so sweet. So I did his birth chart. Yeah, of course because I you know, I wanted to I wanted to find out what What’s the story behind the story. And he is just a total romantic. He’s got a Taurus rising. He’s a Pisces with the Pisces moon. And for our Pisces listeners out there in Pisces moon listeners, Pisces men have hearts of gold and can be very sensitive. But it’s not always it’s not always comfortable for men in our culture, and especially at that time, to be to be so sensitive and to be so in touch with their emotions. But he had this really this really beautiful chart total romantic and I could see him just being a faithful, loving husband and a loving partner.
Damona 13:05
Yes, the only criticism that his wife Joanne had was he was too patient with the kids. So she had to be the family disciplinarian. And again, going back to like traditional gender roles. I appreciate that they worked through that. And they let that be their norm. Because it’s kind of the same thing with with my husband and I we don’t have we don’t have traditional gender roles, and I have no interest in that. I’m just more interested in finding out what works for my family. Absolutely. Yeah. Well, we’re going to tell you what works for you based on your birth chart and what is in the stars for you in love. And we’ll dive deeper into astrological compatibility in just a moment. But first while you’re here, make sure you do three and keep it free. Number one, subscribe number two, review and number three, share this episode with a friend I know astrology is super shares So I’m sure there’s someone that you know that will want to hear the information that Rachel is about to share on astrology and compatibility. So stick around this is Dates & Mates.
Commercial Break
We’re back with Rachel Lang. She’s an astrologer, a psychic medium and a healer, who’s here to talk to us about astrological compatibility in love. Rachel, I am so so so excited for you to be here for my birthday week talking about astrology. And it’s something that I’ve I’ve always been curious about. And I think the entry point for a lot of people into astrology is just like, this is your sun sign like this is yours. Like what people know of as your sign. Hey, baby, what’s your sign? That’s just your sun sign? Yeah, there’s so much more to astrology
Rachel Lang 14:53
so much more. And I think that’s one thing that that that gets it gets tricky when we’re talking about compatibility because so many People know what sun signs they’re compatible with. But your chart is a reflection of so many different aspects of yourself. The sun sign is just one aspect. We have at the time of your birth the moon was in a certain place Mercury, which is how you communicate and relationships was in a certain place. Venus which is how you flirt, how you attract your love. Mars is kind of your your sex drive your passion, you know, what, what, what turns you on. And so we have all of these different aspects in our in our chart that make up our personality. And so when you’re looking at compatibility, you want to factor in everything and not just the sun sign.
Damona 15:44
Mm hmm. And now, how do you I know the answer to this, but I’m sure a lot of our listeners are saying, okay, that’s nice, Rachel. But how do I find that out? Other than going to Rachel C. Lang calm and and getting a real With you, which I hope you will all do. How can they figure this out
Rachel Lang 16:04
yet? So there are so many great apps now that are available. Time passages is a good app. costar is a great app. And are these free these are free. Yeah. So yeah, just plug in what do you what information do you need? You need your your birthday, the time and the place. And if you don’t have your birth time, this is what a lot of people say. I don’t have my birth time. How do I know? There are ways to figure it out. It’s there’s there’s a process called rectification. And there are certain astrologers who are great at this and it costs a little bit of money. If you don’t want to go that route, you can call the hospital that you were born in there often hospital records, birth certificates. So so there’s there’s always there’s always a way to figure it out. Yeah.
Damona 16:52
And once you have your your chart like will put in the Dates & Mates blog what I can put my chart up there. It’s like It’s like putting like a naked selfie. So you’re all dizzy. But it’s a lot of symbols and lines and graphs and graphics. And it can be a little bit overwhelming for someone to just read on their own. What are the most important things for you to look at once once you’ve gotten your your birth chart? Yeah,
Rachel Lang 17:24
great question. So the sun sign is the most important The sun is your essence, the moon is the second most important and that is your emotional self. So it’s more of your unconscious, subconscious self. So it’s your emotions. It’s how you relate to people. It’s what you need in relationships. And then the ascendant is your rising sign, and it’s what it what sign is on the eastern horizon at the time of your birth, and that’s how other people see you. And, and so often those are the three most important aspects to look at. And then after that, then you can say start exploring where the other planets are in your chart and how they relate to one another. And it shows your complexity that shows like where you get hung up some of those patterns that you just can’t get out of that you that make you feel stuck in life. And it also shows your potential and what you’re capable of achieving and your purpose in your destiny, all of those things.
Damona 18:21
I’m going to ask you a very skeptical question, even though I’m what I classify as a skeptical believer. Why Why do you think this works? What what it like scientifically or spiritually? Why does astrology matter? Hmm? Well,
Rachel Lang 18:40
scientifically,
all of the planets in our solar system have certain electromagnetic frequencies. There are actually even minerals and and chemical compounds that each one of them have and to say that we’re not affected by the Cosmos to say that we’re not affected by the moon by the sun, I mean you can see the the tides moving with the moon cycles we are all part of a bigger, bigger picture. And so in astrology we have until on a spiritual level we have saying As above, so below and that which is the microcosm is like that of the macrocosm. So we are all intricately connected to one another to the earth to the cosmos, in ways that we can see in ways that we can’t see. And this information has been in our collective unconscious for thousands and thousands of years. So, we, we we live based on the archetypes and and we have these mythological stories that inform this the structure and the creation of our of our universe in our cosmos. And we’re all a part of that. So, so I think it works, you know, it works on physical levels and it works on on more esoteric levels as well.
Damona 20:13
And we see astrology in in other cultures as well. It’s really
baked into the fabric of interpersonal dynamics and communication. I also know
some people who do vedic astrology, which is not the same you’re doing Western astrology, right? Yeah, the explain the difference.
Rachel Lang 20:33
Sure, sure. They’re different. They’re different calculation systems. And, and then there’s Chinese astrology too. So so different cultures have different astrological frameworks. But these are but astrology has been around since the beginning of of recorded history for thousands of years.
Damona 20:55
Wow. Okay. I know what everyone’s thinking. They’re thinking well How do I know who’s going to be right for me like I I go I know you’re right for for a number of publications and bustle has like a whole section now on astrology so people scan through and they’re like, Who am I compatible with? This is my sun sign? Who should I be with? What do you say to that? Is that is that a real marker that we should be looking at?
Rachel Lang 21:24
Yeah, so, again, sun sign astrology is great. It’s often an entry point to other to astrology to deeper levels of astrology. But the sun sign alone isn’t what we should be looking at for compatibility. Now, what I will say is if you don’t know the other factors in your chart, then then sun sign is a good starting point. And often what what you’ll find is that elements get along really well with similar elements.
Damona 21:55
So let’s break that
Rachel Lang 21:57
will break it down the elements and astrology In Western astrology, our earth air fire, water, and earth signs are Taurus Virgo Capricorn. And they tend to relate really well to other earth signs. And water signs are Cancer, Scorpio Pisces, and they tend to relate really well to one another as well. And fire signs and air signs are the same or similar. What with with the elements, each element features a specific set of goals a specific set of personality traits look for earth signs, it’s they’re very practically based. So they’re really interested in the material world. And in in, in taking, you know, in having good solid material security, building a life in that way. air signs for example, are more about intellect and communication and Id And sharing thoughts and those kinds of knew that your sons again, they’re Gemini, Libra and Aquarius, okay? And then our fire signs which you are
our throw all that out the wind.
fire signs are Aries, Sagittarius and Leo and fire signs are there, they’re passionate they want to they want to inspire people and they’re very active, and so they have a lot of energy that they need to exert. And so you can see how certain elements really relate well with other elements. And, and, and you can think about the elements themselves and, and to think about compatibility. So for example, water extinguishes fire. So if you’re a fire sign and waters water signs emphasize emotions, and there, they tend to be more intuitive and, and and so a lots happening beneath the surface and fire signs ready to go. And so there can be. And that doesn’t mean that fire signs and water signs can’t have amazing, wonderful relationships. It just means that you have to that you have to understand your, your particular needs and your particular personality differences in order to relate well with one another.
Damona 24:22
Okay, so let’s talk in specifics. I’ll be the guinea pig. Yes, you have, you know everything about me, you have all my birth chart there. And then I also gave you my husband’s birth chart.
Much to his dismay.
He’s not so sure he’s it. He’s like into all it but he likes he supports the exploration for me. So I have had a pattern as a Sagittarius and whatever. I have a rising sign of cancer rising and a Scorpio moon. I know. I know my basic three. Yeah. I don’t know why I don’t think it makes sense. But you’ll probably tell me why it does. I’ve had many, many relationships with Virgos. And my husband again is a Virgo. Is that something where like cosmically, I keep Connect I keep pulling like pretty much everyone I every boyfriend I had was Virgo in an except for one who was like almost on the cusp of Leo Virgo.
Rachel Lang 25:21
Hmm, interesting. Well, well so Virgo so your Saturn Saturn is we’ll talk about Saturn in a second. Um, I would say that there are two reasons why Virgo, why you tend to attract three brigand reasons why you tend to attract Virgo men. First of all, I’m a great big mess and
Damona 25:41
they put it all together totally
Rachel Lang 25:46
No, so Virgo. So Sagittarius and Virgo are Sagittarius is fire Virgos Earth and they’re what we call square one another both mutable signs, and I’m getting mutable signs. It’s okay we can okay. Okay, go ahead. Okay. So, so mutable signs. So there are three. In addition to elements. There are qualities. And qualities are Cardinal fixed and mutable. Cardinal signs are Aries, cancer, Capricorn and Libra. And they’re all about initiating taking action. You have some Cardinal in your in your chart, but you’re primarily mutable and mutable signs follow Cardinal. And I’m sorry, they follow fixed. mutable signs are, are kind of like what’s next? What’s going to happen next there, they’re more adaptable. They’re more flexible. And our fixed signs are Tell that to my house.
Well, you have a you have a perfect match of fixed and mutable in your chart. So fixed signs can be a little bit stubborn. And and they’re the ones that stick with it. And they’re the ones who don’t give up and they’re great in relationships. If it’s a good healthy Relationship he’s got a lot of he must have a lot of fixed. He doesn’t actually he does not. He’s primarily mutable. Oh my god. So two mutable signs can be like squaring one another meaning your your sun signs actually form almost an exact 90 degree angle away from each other. Now, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Damona 27:19
You’re saying looking at my chart and my husband’s chart? Looking at the geometry of it? Yep.
Rachel Lang 27:25
Yep. They fit together. They fit together. Yes. But here’s the thing. So some people were born to need really easy, really like no stress relationships. And some people need a little bit of excitement. You and he are the type of people who need a little bit of excitement. And we’re each just exciting enough for one another. Exactly, exactly. Wow.
In addition to that, so the 90 degrees gives a little bit of tension, but it’s healthy tension because you stretch and you grow. Neither one of you are going to be okay and In a relationship where there’s not growth, or there’s not like, you know, you’re not going to be in a complacent relationship, you need to put pressure on one another to evolve to expand. And so this is a relationship with a tremendous amount of creative potential. Ah, yeah. Now, Virgo is really significant for you in your chart, because there’s a sensitive point called the north node. The North node is a destiny point and everyone has one. And it is what you’re reaching toward in this lifetime. What what you’re here to experience, but it’s not your comfort zone. Your comfort zones, the opposite point. And that’s often what’s familiar. What’s, you know what we have in your pad? Yes, it’s comfy. Exactly. old pair G. Exactly. Yes. Yes. So your North know that that uncomfortable place is in the place of Virgo and the sign of virgo.
Damona 28:58
Stop that Yeah, yeah. So like what let me like amateur astrologer this so that means like basically he’s here to create the challenge that I need to drive me push me further and yes drive to evolve to grow to be your best self. Yeah rejoin know it’s kind of emotional
actually when you do this, especially when we’re talking about love and compatibility like when you really understand yourself and that’s what I always say with relationships. You’ve guys have heard me say this on the show before your job is to find the person that is your highest possible match for you. And so you’re if you’re in one of those comfy jeans, relationships, and it’s not it’s not your ideal match. You are doing two people a disservice you’re blocking the person that you’re with from being able to find their best match and you are not getting you’re not growing to your your best self.
Rachel Lang 29:55
Absolutely. And I think when when I work with clients Who are in those comfy jeans relationships, it doesn’t mean that you have to leave the comfy jeans relationship. You just have to rock the boat, you have to change the comfy patterns. And so if that means that you you never fight, and this is your thing, you never fight and everything’s good, but it’s boring, there’s no passion, then speaking honestly and saying, I don’t like this or you know, rocking the boat a little bit creating some conflict might actually be healthy conflict, not just unnecessary conflict, productive conflict. But that could be the thing that that drives you to stay together and to reinvent the relationship.
Damona 30:37
Are there things that people need to understand about their chart? Obviously, we’ve talked in specifics about a lot of different things from you know, fixed, mutable, mutable, and Cardinal and fire and air and earth and water. Are there certain guidelines that people should always be looking for when They’re talking about compatibility. A lot of the listeners of the show are they’re dating. So they don’t necessarily, like have the ability to say, and tell me again, what was your birth date and time and place? It’s a little bit too much for early dating. But are there certain signals or signs that you should look for more know in yourself before you go on a date?
Rachel Lang 31:20
Great question. So I think knowing your sun, your moon and your rising, really important and again, you can get you can get this information free on the internet, you can get it free on apps. That way, you know, what you need in relationships. If you have a cancer moon and and you’re going out dating, cancer moons actually need someone who’s a little bit more sensitive, and they need someone who can talk about emotions, who’s not afraid of getting who’s not afraid of getting close. They also need emotional security. And so for someone with a cancer moon knowing What sun signs might best resonate with that? You know, other water signs, for example. That’s something that’s important. So I think knowing yourself first can can really help. And then just knowing sun signs actually can be helpful. Sun signs tend to get along really well with complimentary sun signs.
Damona 32:21
And then how do you bridge that conversation? Like, Hey, baby, what’s your sign? Like? How do you get the information? I find a lot of people don’t even know what their sun sign is like that. You if you go on a date with someone, or they think you’re weird if you ask, how can you get it out in a way that’s like, kinda sly?
Rachel Lang 32:40
Cool. Well, you there’s, you know, you can you can talk about like, oh, for my birthday, I did this when it’s your birthday. You can
Damona 32:50
like slip it into conversation. Did you always when you were dating, did you always ask people you must listen? Yes, yeah, but
Rachel Lang 32:55
here’s the thing. I also got myself into big trouble doing this. So There, you might take the alternative approach and just not find out and not know until you get to know the person. When my wife when I first did our charts together, I saw some things that were like
Damona 33:12
red, I was like, nope, this will never work not going to happen, just in terms of like who you were or in terms of your compatibility in
Rachel Lang 33:21
terms of just just looking at our charts, but I realized now that I was really, I was kind of I was kind of blocking I was I had my own relationship commitment, things that I had to work through first,
Damona 33:31
right.
Rachel Lang 33:34
But I think I think Um, so yeah, so I do I did. I used to do it, but I used to do the whole chart and understand every aspect of it. But I think when you’re first falling in love, you want the magic of love, you don’t like astrology can get really analytical, and so can I. And sometimes that’s good. That’s helpful because you can see the red flags before you go into a relationship or invalid In, in your any more of your precious time. But I think keeping a real balance between knowing what you’re getting into and understanding how your how your astrology, astrological compatibility works or doesn’t work. I think you have to balance that with letting yourself experience love and letting yourself experience the connection, whatever it happens to be.
Damona 34:25
Yeah, that’s great advice. As an astrologer, and just generally in in life and in love. If people want to explore further with you, you kind of have two options, right? You have someone can come to you for reading, but you’re also still teaching Yeah, teaching astrology and helping more people be able to do this great work. Can you tell us about what you have coming up and how people can can get a session with you? Yeah,
Rachel Lang 34:52
thank you. So yeah, so I do, I do sessions one on one. I do couple sessions. If you’re just starting a really friendship and you want to know a little bit about your compatibility, I do have those kinds of sessions as well. And I’m teaching classes three classes starting in actually four classes starting in 2020. Doing astrology one on one, just the basics, then advanced for transits and progressions, so you can you know, so for the first three months of the year, I’ll be I’ll be teaching all kinds of astrology.
Damona 35:27
All right, let’s, let’s bring it down to the earth plane, right? People that are just learning about sun signs. When you say transits and progressions What’s up,
Rachel Lang 35:36
so transits so our natal chart, a birth chart shows our personality, of kind of a roadmap of our lives. And transits are the planets that are moving around in the heavens today and how they’re affecting one another. And how they aspect your birth chart. So it’s kind of a predictive tool. It shows us a little Bit of a forecast of what’s coming up of what’s happening for us in the collective but also what’s happening for us personally.
Damona 36:07
So that’s how you get the difference between this is my birth chart. This is who I am. And this is my day to day horoscope Exactly. Yes. What you read in the paper all that exactly and what you read you also write for idea. Tell us where we can read your your horoscope horoscopes. Thank you. Yeah, I write
Rachel Lang 36:26
horoscopes for life box magazine, and also for the Omega Institute, their monthly newsletter, and they’re also on my website. I also do articles about Mercury Retrograde about full moons and new moons rituals that you can do for those.
Damona 36:43
Okay, we’re going to put the links in the show notes. I have done the classes you guys and again, I’m not good at it. But I it was really valuable information in even just the one on one is a ton of information that you can really use and I get you Your email every month with the horoscopes, the monthly horoscopes, and it’s one of like very few emails when my inbox is, is clogged up, I still will go to your email first and be like, Okay, well what’s Rachel saying that’s coming for the month. So thank you for being here to share all this. I hope everyone will get get whatever they need, whether it’s the one on one support or even learning how to do this themselves. We also have questions from listeners. So if you can stick around one more segment, okay.
This one comes to us from Instagram. This person says if a guy brings up the bedroom in a text before you’ve even met, is that a red flag now without knowing what’s in their birth chart, or their birth time and place? Do you think it’s a red flag? If somebody is like, I would love to see what you’re like in the bedroom and you haven’t even had a first date?
Rachel Lang 37:58
That’s a good question. Think it depends on the on the person on the person receiving the the text because there are some people who might be more inclined to wonder those things as well you know the the different personality types need different things. So for some people it’s going to be a red flag for other people it’s not
Damona 38:19
I just wonder if for that person to have that bold approach it says a little bit about them and because it’s so likely for that to backfire and makes me wonder if they feel comfortable saying that that early on, if they have either a lack of awareness of just social norms because you know, there may be some people’s or not but turned on by it, but it’s sort of like dick pics like it’s it’s sort of a 200 to one ratio like, might send 200 dick pics and one person is like, thank you so much for this dick pic and then 199 people go, I hate this. Why did you send me this? Yeah, block and report? Yeah,
Rachel Lang 39:10
I know I can tell you for me it would probably be a red flag. Yeah, just because you know they’re there. There’s it’s kind of like if you’re if you’re in an if you’re if you’re flying, you’re you’re going to want the airplane to kind of take off gently and then reach a cruising altitude and then land it. It’s like if you go straight into the air, it’s like startling. Yeah,
Damona 39:33
yeah. And I actually she sent me the text. So I read in contacts. And I will say like, it didn’t seem completely out of the norm. It was kind of like, mixed in with a lot of other things. But it just feels to me unnecessary. So if you’re including that in your early text, I would say maybe just pump the brakes a little bit until at least after you’ve met. But I find especially for women, it tends to make them feel a little bit crazy. Being like creeped out if you do that too soon,
Rachel Lang 40:03
but she was she’s sending any other. She’s sending any messages like Okay, so that’s another thing too I think read the read them.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.
Damona 40:14
Totally. Okay, let’s see if we’re psychically connected. Okay, one question comes to us from Facebook. And this lady is wondering, is it possible to meet someone today without dating apps? What is your advice for people who want to date but don’t want to do it online? Hmm. What do you think I know you’re a married lady. Now.
Rachel Lang 40:31
I know I am. And happily, so. I, I think that you can I think definitely, people meet if two souls are are supposed to meet and if you’re, if you’re, if you’re really you know, manifesting love and your persons there, I think it’s possible to meet. I think that going online gets you into the dating realm. It can Kind of speed things up. But it’s, I think it can help. But I have a lot of clients, I work with a lot of clients who who do manifest relationships or get into relationships where they’re not going online.
Damona 41:13
Yeah, yeah, I think it is. You guys have heard me say this on the show before, but it’s the most powerful tool in your dating toolbox. But it shouldn’t be the only thing that you’re doing. I think it’s like you said the manifesting, right. It’s the focus on love, the strategy, the way that you go about it more than it is about the tool. But just for a lot of people that are busy, or coming out of relationships or just haven’t dated. It’s an excellent tool for ramping up your dating options very quickly, and also giving you the practice exactly today. So maybe not think so much about the end game, but what is the experience that you want to have and if you think that experience is not online, then just know that you’re going to have to triple down on your effort in other areas, if that is your ultimate goal,
Rachel Lang 42:03
right, right. And also, I think some people going online for the first time can get overwhelmed with all the choices. And I, you know, I’m sure that you know more than I do, but when I, when I talk to clients who are doing online dating, I say be very discerning. And don’t just go on a bunch of dates just to go on a bunch of dates, like filter filter exactly before,
Damona 42:26
get their birth date, their birth time, and where they’re born, and then you can really figure out the date with them or not. Thank you so much for being here, Rachel, for having me. And we’ll put all the links in the show notes, but you can find Rachel at Rachel Lang astrologer calm she’s also on Instagram, and we will tag her on lots of posts this week at Rachel lang 11. Thank you so much for listening to Episode 285 of Dates & Mates. All of the links for the stories in the dating dish and everything else will be on our website datesandmates.com and I’m at Damona Hoffman on all of the social so you can join in on the conversation, you can send me questions for future episodes. We will be back again next week with a deer Damona episode and you know what that means? It’s all questions from you. And you know the best way to get me questions for a dear Damona episode is by messaging me on social media, or by emailing me Damona at Damona hoffman.com. I hope you enjoyed today’s episode all about love and astrology. celebrate my birthday with me. It’s on November 27 this week right before Thanksgiving. And I also wish you a very happy Thanksgiving. I hope you and your family and your friends giving is everything you dream it will be and I wish you lots of luck and love. Until next week. I wish you happy dating
Should you bring your partner to Friendsgiving?
SIGNS THEY ARE COMFORTABLE AROUND YOUR FRIENDSGIVING FRIENDS
I love the idea of Friendsgiving. If your friend group is anything like mine, we love a good sit down meal. Now, I’m usually out of town for Friendsgiving Day, but I’m always there in spirit.
Even after the kids, the spirit of Friendsgiving still lives on!
One of my favorite things about Friendsgiving is the unique safe space it affords newly serious relationships to tip-toe into the deeper waters of intermingled family holidays.
It’s basically THE stress test for all relationships that get serious right around this time of year.
You want to know that your boyfriend or girlfriend is cool with your chosen family of friends before you bring them home to a potentially much more stressful full-blown family Thanksgiving.
How is this new person going to react to the environment around them? Are they going to get along with your friends? If some drama happens, will they have your back? Hopefully, no drama happens. Let’s keep Friendsgiving fun.
But how do you know that your partner is cool with your friends? Here are three super sure signs that your partner has passed the stress test:
Your partner asks questions about your friends
This might seem like not such a big deal, but the best partner is one that is interested in all aspects of your life. Even the lightest of polite questions is a good sign.
Your partner is positive about your friends and they give compliments where they are due.
Something that insecure or manipulative people do in relationships is to attempt to separate their partner from their friends – either intentionally blocking you from spending time with friends or otherwise discrediting or undermining friendships so that you become reliant on your relationship for all of your emotional needs.
Okay.. maybe not this compliment. But I like the spirit.
You can go to an event with your friends without you partner attached at your hip.
If your partner can have independent conversations with the people close to you, that’s a great sign. If your partner isn’t comfortable yet, perhaps don’t start on a full-blown Friendsgiving.
For situations like this, perhaps begin with small dinners or group events with only 1 or 2 other friends at a time. It can be very overwhelming for a partner – especially someone who is shy – to be introduced to all your friends and to be expected to feel as comfortable with them as you are.
Pro Tip:
Prep your partner on the people they are going to be meeting so they have easy jumping off points for conversation. You don’t have to make them flashcards and stand behind them with conversation prompts á la Devil Meets Prada –
But it’s nice and it might ease the pressure of walking into a room full of new people.
Good luck on your Friendsgivings Lovers! Tell me how it goes!
Wash Post: Left Disney to become a Taxidermist?
If you know the story of how I came to be a dating coach – you know that I have a soft spot for entrepreneurs who strike out on their own to pursue their passion.
Allis Markham of Prey Taxidermy is so magnificent and inspiring! I’m so honored to share her story for the Washington Post on newsstands this Sunday.
Here’s a sneak peek:
She left her social media job to take up taxidermy. Now her work is on TV.
You never forget your first deer, especially when it took several days to skin, stuff and dye the fur pink. It was 2013 and Allis Markham was working as a director of social media strategy at Disney in the Los Angeles area when she decided to spend two weeks in Montana to learn the art of taxidermy. At the time, she was interested in creating avant-garde pieces that merged her love of wildlife with her passion for art, hence the pink deer.
She went on to volunteer at the Natural History Museum of Los Angeles and studied under Tim Bovard, the museum’s head taxidermist. “I volunteered so long I think they were embarrassed to not pay me anymore,” Markham remembers. Though she says she would have paid them for the experience, she officially became part of the team after a year of apprenticeship. Her time there shifted her focus from “rogue taxidermy” to creating works that were true to their natural state. (She gave the pink deer away.)
Continue Reading here!
Body Language & Wife Guys
FIND YOUR ‘WIFE GUY’ USING BODY LANGUAGE CLUES
Susan Ibitz, the Human Behavior Hacker, teaches us this week that you can find your ‘wife guy’ by looking at specific body language cues or even wrinkle lines!
What is a wife guy? Glad you asked: a wife guy is basically a marriage-minded man. And while body language and wrinkle lines can’t exactly tell you if the men you are looking for has marriage on the mind, they can tell you if they would be a good candidate for marriage.
More on body language later, first we have headlines!
DATING DISH (2:50)
Why are y’all hating on Sexiest Man Alive, John Legend?
People has crowned this year’s sexiest man alive, and we are elated to report that John Legend won the crown. But not everyone is as excited as we are it seems. The internet seems to be rioting over the fact that John Legend is a nerdy “wife guy.” We see no problem.
This year’s best cities for singles
Every year, Wallet Hub gives us a definitive list of the best cities for singles. Can you guess the top city? Here’s a clue:
Are your dating profile topics inappropriate?
We might agree with GQ – maybe don’t debate Jeffrey Epstein conspiracy theories on Hinge? BUT, Damona does say that keeping your dating profiles current with lots of hot tops is a good idea. She breaks it down.
BODY LANGUAGE & FACE READING (13:30)
Read them like an open book
Susan Ibitz, a longtime professional in face reading and behavior hacking, actually started her career negotiating hostage situations and analyzing faces for the police. She wrote the book on face and behavior reading – no seriously she was the first person to create a training program that incorporates things like statement analysis in linguistics, micro expressions, and body language.
So basically, she’s more than qualified to tell us if the person you’re dating is who you are looking for.
We go in-depth on:
Don’t forget to share this episode on social media and tag Damona (@DamonaHoffman) on all the socials for a chance to win your free consultation with Susan Ibitz!
TECHNICALLY DATING (44:41)
Submit your questions Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
WANT TO GO EVEN DEEPER? HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF THE SHOW IF YOU WANT TO FOLLOW ALONG!
Damona 0:17
Welcome to Dates & Mates, I’m certified dating coach Damona Hoffman and I’m here to handle all of the challenges you’re having in love as I have on this show for the last seven years, and on to A&E Networks TV series. And for Match.com users or Match dating app users and so much more.
So no matter how you got here, I’m happy to have you and I’m happy to be able to share what I know about love, relationships, sex, dating, all of that on today’s show.
You know, I have a question for you: If you’re dating, wouldn’t it be so much easier if we all had the ability to tell if someone was a match, just from a glance? How much time and heartache would it save you ff you could read your dates from the start like an open book? Actually, this is possible. And no, you don’t even have to be psychic to do it!
On the show, I will be talking to Susan Ibitz, the Human Behavior Hacker, about how to know the real deal about your date just by looking at their profile or by what they say and do on a date.
But first, we’ve got headlines. Today we were talking about the New Sexiest Man Alive, and why people are so mad about him being picked.
And the numbers are in: which cities are the best ones for dating this year.
Plus, are the topics in your dating profile inappropriate?
We’ll find all of that and more plus, we’ll be answering your questions including how to find a girlfriend who wants to date both you and your wife. And what’s the best place to go on a situationship date. All that and so much more on today’s Dates & Mates.
Producer Leah is in the house and ready to do these headlines with me.
Leah Schell
Hi friends!
Damona
Hi, Leah. You sound like you’ve had your coffee.
Leah Schell
I have!
Damona
So have I so let’s do this!
The new issue of People magazine has hit newsstands and yes, they are naming the Sexiest Man Alive this year. It’s John Legend. And some people on Twitter are kind of turned up about it. Turns out not everyone is as excited as I am about John Legend being picked. I think this man who they are calling the “King of all Wife Guys”, is a perfect pick. He’s gorgeous. First of all, he is also extremely talented. I mean, have you heard his music and PS he is an excellent partner to his wife. He is an excellent father. He is out here like repin for the Marriage minded men. Why people gotta hate Leah?
Leah Schell 3:04
Honestly. He’s so perfect. And I don’t know why there’s so much hate like he’s so much better than Blake Shelton. So
Damona 3:12
(disgusted noise)
That was my death rattle for Blake Shelton. I don’t know, which was worse. Adam Levine or Blake Shelton? Like I know the voice is really huge. And it’s a show I used to really dig and watch
Leah Schell 3:26
Oh my god, maybe they’re going through all the voice judges
Damona 3:29
NO! LIke they just must have a really great publicist.
Leah Schell 3:34
I will say that like I did go through my Adam Levine phase like in high school. Oh my god, “Songs About Jane” era, Adam Levine. So, so top notch.
Damona 3:44
I just feel like it’s just from his, his performance on the Super Bowl performance alone. That’s enough for him to just be scratched off. For forever and eternity.Just shameless like taking off Your shirt and showing that your entire body is covered and
Leah Schell 4:05
I feel like that’s what people expect out of Sexiest Man Alive so maybe like that’s why they’re rioting over John Legend
Damona 4:11
John Legend’s too classy this man has an EGOT for crying out loud! An Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, and Tony. There’s a handful of people alive that even have that many awards, let alone those specific awards. But I you know, I like that Chrissy has jumped in and people have just taken this to the nth degree, saying like, “oh, it should be Idris Elba” and then putting up pictures of Idris next to
Leah Schell 4:40
Yeah, a 1994 picture of John Legend and unfortunately, John Legend did look like the most nerdy I’ve ever seen him look in my entire life.
Damona 4:52
Well, you know what, I gotta tell you something from as a married lady who is with someone That maybe on the nerd spectrum. I think nerds make really great husbands as Chrissy Teigen has found out, but I mean, he’s sexy, he is undeniably sexy. So I think people just need to back off. It’s like such a blessing and a curse to be named the sexiest man alive. Because you know people are going to come out of the woodwork and and they’re going to throw stuff at you. And you just have to be ready.
Leah Schell 5:27
Also, I’d rather not be like Brad Pitt for the 80th time, you know?
Damona 5:31
Yeah, yeah, we’re so over that are so over that. Get your life together. Take care of your wife and kids and maybe you can –
Leah Schell
Ex-Wife-
Damona
Maybe he should have taken care of his wife. Obviously he didn’t. He’s addressing his alcoholism problem. He’s trying to take care of his kids, so maybe he can be back on top again. But for this year, I’m repping for John Legend.
Speaking of new things this year that come around every year this time of year: Wallet Hub. Our friends at Wallet Hub have done their survey of the best and worst cities to date. I think we’ve covered this like for the last three years. And it changes periodically. But essentially a lot of the same cities stay on top. A lot of the same cities are the bottom.
But if you weren’t listening to this episode last year, I’m going to tell you what this year’s results are. If you are in Atlanta, you’re keeping it hot and hotlanta that is, according to Wallet Hub, the top city for singles. Denver, San Francisco, San Diego, and Portland rounded out the top five.
How do they come to these numbers you ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. They look at the economics rank. Like how much does it cost to go on a date in the city? They look at fun and recreation. How fun is it to go on a date in the city? And then they look at dating opportunities. How many people here are single and how many people are already coupled up. So according to that, my city of Los Angeles number seven, we could do worse. But then they really broke it down into some other smaller cities.
And Glendale, which is not too far from me, was almost at the bottom of the list, followed only by Pembroke Pines, Florida, which I’ve never heard of. I’m sorry for all my pembrokies that are listening. And Pearl City, Hawaii, which leads me to think we’re in Hawaii, if you’re in Hawaii. Isn’t that good enough? What you think about these rankings Producer Leah?
Leah Schell 7:40
Okay. Well, I mean, I could see Pearl City, Hawaii, because Isn’t that like an army base?
Damona 7:46
Yeah, but you’re in Hawaii.
Leah Schell 7:49
Right. Totally
Damona 7:53
Hawaii. Yeah, the ranking for for singles was pretty low. The dating opportunities rank compared to It was, like 175 is compared to Atlanta where it’s three. Right? But people ask me a lot of times, they ask: Are there certain cities that are better to date in than other cities? But then I also hear from listeners that say, my city is the worst city to date. And like it’s so hard today
Leah Schell 8:18
and it’s always somebody who lives in Los Angeles.
Damona 8:22
No, it’s not always though. Yes, people in LA Love, love to talk about how hard it is to date here. And we’re number seven, but I hear it in New York. I hear it from people in Chicago. I hear it. I’ve heard it in Atlanta as well. So maybe it’s not so much about the city as it is about the way that you are approaching dating in that city. I get it. You know, it’s Wallet Hub. So the dating economics is a factor. It is more expensive to date in certain cities and others but another reason Producer Leah why I say do the one hour just just do drink or coffee or ice cream or something really low commitment for the first date because you can’t be spending all this money on a dinner date.
If you’re in if you’re in a market like Los Angeles 177 in the economics factor.
Speaking of haters, if you are on a dating app, there are some topics that you may want to avoid mentioning. You know how on hinge and different dating apps, they prompt you to answer different questions. Well, it turns out people are answering these questions in a pretty provocative way. According to GQ, they’re saying we should not be talking about things like Jeffrey Epstein’s death and conspiracy theories around it on dating apps, maybe we shouldn’t be talking about politics. And people are using these headlines to give their dating profile, a little umph. Now, I believe that there are certain topics you shouldn’t discuss on a first date and definitely not on a dating profile. But I can see pros and cons to to weeding people out with topical headlines. What do you think Producer Leah?
Leah Schell 10:17
I mean not to get too into the politics. I do like a see how it would be awkward.
Damona 10:23
It’s not hot talking about Jeffrey Epstein.
Leah Schell 10:25
Definitely not. I just thought would be a huge turnoff to me. But like, I don’t know, a provocative question might be interesting.
Damona 10:35
Here’s what I like about it. I like that your dating profile needs to evolve. Like I’ve said on the show before people have this set it and forget it mentality like oh, I did my dating profile two years ago and I don’t know why I’m not getting anyone who aligns with what I’m looking for. And you have to think of your dating profile as a living document. It has to be continually evolving and updating and growing and changing just like you are. But when you have something that’s current in the news, other than Jeffrey Epstein’s death, that can show first of all that you are keeping current and that you care about what’s happening in the world. And also that your profile is current, because sometimes I’m on here swiping for clients. And I’m like, I know this profile has not been touched in two years. And this person is not even active on the site, because it feels so out of date. So according to this article, it actually can get you a higher response rate. Even though it may be a huge turnoff to some. It could be something that engages the right kind of person.
Leah Schell 11:44
Yeah, actually, I just remembered this one guy on a dating app that I saw like a year ago, and I don’t think he was too political, but he’s still had like an engaging question. It was: “I hate ice cream, debate me” and like that got him lots of responses. So I don’t know maybe that’s just another way.
Damona 12:05
I think that could work for a guy. I think if a girl was like, “debate me” they’d be like she’s too aggro. I would, I would jump into that debate just because I’ve discovered I’m lactose intolerant. But that’s a whole other topic for a whole other day. I have discovered that there is a really good coconut ice cream that is at my local ice cream shop. So I can have my cake – I can have my cake flavored ice cream, and I can eat it too. And so can you if you’re listening to Dates & Mates.
In just a moment, we will be back with Susan Ibitz of the Human Behavior Lab. Y’all let me tell you, this woman knows things. She can tell you how to read the face of your potential dates on a dating app, how to read someone in a first date setting and also how to tell what their body language is saying to you when you’ve been missing all of these signals all along.
This is one episode that you have to stay tuned for. And don’t forget to do three to keep it free, subscribe to the show, give us a review, and share this episode with a friend. And it’s that simple. You do those three, and you’ll keep Dates & Mates free for maybe seven more seasons.
We’ll have more Dates & Mates in just a minute.
13:21 Commercial Break
Damona
I’m here with Susan Ibitz, who is a longtime professional in face reading and behavior hacking. Susan actually started her career negotiating hostage situations and analyzing faces for the police. She literally wrote the book on face and behavior reading. No, seriously. She was the first person to create a training program that incorporates things like statement analysis in linguistics and micro expressions, and body language. And now all of that juicy info can actually be applied to dating. And today she’s going to tell us if the person that you’re dating is really the person that you’re looking for. Please help me give big speeches to Susan Ibitz.
Susan Ibitz 14:07
Hi Damona, how’re you doing? Thank you for the intro
Damona 14:11
Oh my gosh, this is such a valuable skill. I don’t know how you go through life like without just analyzing every single person that you meet. I imagine that’s happening on some level but I want to impart some of that wisdom and get some takeaway for our listeners today.
Susan Ibitz 14:28
Who told you then I’m not going through life analyzing everyone. Yesterday, I hired a handyman to do work on the studio in the office. And like, Oh, I get it. And I start talking to him. And he’s like, Oh, I feel like you know me. Oh, you don’t have any idea how much I know you’re ready.
Damona 14:49
But as these folks that are listening are beginning new relationships are there they’re meeting people for the first time or even let’s back it up to we’re swiping on dating profiles. Can you actually tell just by looking at someone’s face on a dating profile if they are a good match for you or not?
Susan Ibitz 15:09
How do you think I get my boyfriend?
Damona 15:13
Sounds like there’s a story there, Susan.
Susan Ibitz 15:15
I did an experiment and I wasn’t the first person to do it a couple I was thinking of like a year and a half ago, where I was analyzing profiles on dating sites. So you have two ways to determine how the person is by what they write and by what their face is telling you. So I start on the weekends for fun because I was single at that point experiment called the Victorian Secret. So I was given keynote speaking in classes in sex shops and people who is matchmaker and they bring these so I can read the profiles. And I found out that people who doesn’t use I on their profile like for example, “Love to hiking, love the outdoors, love to go for food “ They don’t use I love I do I want there are people who hiding things more than the others. So if you find a profile that says I love to hike, I love these i that is a good sign. But if you don’t find the word I on a profile, we have a problem.
Damona 16:28
This is very profound and people ask me all the time, what to say in a profile to to be attractive. If you say I too much, though, couldn’t that be a problem as well?
Susan Ibitz 16:43
Well, maybe for the normal I. For me when I have friends Believe me, my friends call me the first thing they do when they found a match is like so so here’s the picture and here’s the profile. Even though I have the passport and access to multiple My friends profile there ones are single you it’s it’s a thing like too much I can be kind of narcissistic. But if I telling you what I love if I telling you what I like and I don’t put myself there, he didn’t defy with the things that I like that must be a problem they’re constructing from not reality what they want you to think about themselves and know what they’re really is going on. So if I says, I love to read on the weekends and if I says love read on the weekends is maybe I want to look like intellectual one, what I want to look refined or something like that. It’s That’s the difference. So you need to make you need to measure if you’re not saying you’re not owning the experience. It’s something that you’re putting on to try to be attractive. Correct. You need to own the experience by saying, I want to win you talking about the things that you like, you need to own it. But if somebody somebody is talking about the things they like, and they’re not owning it, that is a big warming that you need to pay attention.
Damona 18:15
Okay, so now let’s talk about the face to face reading. And I see, I know that through Human Behavior Lab, your company, you actually provide reports for people and you ask for a photo of a face in a neutral position, a photo of the face smiling, and the right ear and head and left here in it. So you’re getting you’re getting the 360 there. But for the dating, let’s say you’re just looking browsing on dating apps. What can you tell from someone’s dating app photos?
Susan Ibitz 18:45
Depends on what you’re looking for. You can determine if somebody’s going to be generous with their money. They’re going to be a good father. good husband, a good partner, one amazing sexual experience for the weekend. Oh,
Damona 18:58
how do we know this? How can we tell other than Of course hiring you to do a full now? How can we tell you? At first glance,
Susan Ibitz 19:06
I guess what you want to know how to know that a person is going to be a really good sexual partner.
Damona 19:13
Girl you read into that? Actually, I know some of my listeners are like yes please please tell us. I would love to know that but more importantly, I would love to know if there are any red flags like sometimes they say someone who is a psycho sociopath or a psychopath may have certain facial expressions or their eyes may be may look at a different way. What is your research show on that?
Susan Ibitz 19:40
Well, I will be brutally delicate with this sociopath psychopath and psychologist tendencies. I’m not a I’m not a therapist. I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a therapist. So I will not go to go deep there. What I can say is that we have wrinkles on the face the wrinkles On the eyes, the wrinkles on the chick, the wrinkles between the eyes. Those are wrinkles who has to do with empathy has to do with the strain has to do with intelligent has to do with you mark. If you find a person who is over the age of 30 in they don’t have any empathy, wrinkle lines, who are the lines like we the women called CrossFit. If you don’t find in a men, any of those wrinkles, that is a huge sign because that’s mean that doesn’t have empathy to others. So
Damona 20:33
another thing is crow’s feet like on the corner of your eye, if you have empathy, you would have basically created those wrinkles through empathetic facial expressions.
Susan Ibitz 20:46
Yes, when you hold expression for too long is like laughing and smiling and going through pain. Those wrinkles get a GPS to your brain. So if you find someone who doesn’t have any wrinkles who had to do with empathy with a smile and or pain, how you read pain on people’s life, you see those lines to start on the tip of the nose, on the bottom of the nose and go all around until your chin. Those are lines who has to do with pain and grieving. So if you find somebody who is over the age of 30, and they don’t have any line who show that they went through life, feeling things that can be a person who’s really cold and detached from feelings, so depending what you’re looking for, in my case, I’m really a Brainiac. I look for a person who is more about the brain than the feelings I’m not a feeling I’m not a failure. I’m not like oh, I don’t feel your pain. I don’t cry with you. I don’t want people who like Oh my love how you feeling like I don’t care how how a fan is how I want to fix it. So his health has a lot to do with you look in an abbreviation Most women look for a men who can listen and who can understand. So I would says instead to concentrate on the wrinkles go to the ears. When a person has big ears is a good listener. When a men have ears that, for example, your head start in the two bumps, where your hairline start, even though if you’re bald, you can find two bumps on the top of your head and your face and your chin. So if you draw lines on the top of your ear, and the bottom of your ear, and that ear, feed your face, three times and more that is a person who has small ears is a person who’s gonna listen with their eyes, their visual they need to see that the reason women we pay so much attention how we look on a date and how the our date look on now, multiple Men have big ears. So if you grab the same ear and you try to make it match on the face and match two and a half times or or less, that is a big ear. That’s a recent men listen and listen and listen and listen. And sometimes you get to your partner like, Hey, dude, are you paying attention to me? like yeah, I listen, everything that uses I don’t want to interrupt you. So men tend to be a better listen and on the way, they’re going to get through what you saying they’re not going to interact as much as women one by asking question or going back to questions. Now, if you find a men who have low distance between the eyelid and the eyebrow is a person who going to tend to interrupt so the mana you’re going to ask me like, wait a minute, I have a good listener, but interrupt is because their mind is going too fast and they tried to captivate information as much as they want, and they’re going to come back to you with a lot of caution. So I, a couple of years ago, I used to do couples like problems of coaching. And the problem wasn’t they’re not good communicators there weren’t communicating on the wrong way. big ears are listening. Small ears are visual, hyper eccentric, but that is the distance between the eyelid and the eyebrows is if you have high proximity. You see women tend to have high distance between the eyelid and the eyebrow. There need more time. They don’t want to be rushed. Men tend to have low proximity they’d like do it now yesterday. Good. Let’s go for it. You never heard about a couple who’s like Saturday 1145. And he says, oh, let’s go to get our car and she says like, wait a minute. We didn’t do a budget. We didn’t talk about it. We don’t need to rush on that. So and the shape of the iris has to do with that too. Sorry.
Damona 24:52
I want to understand is this. It sounds like it’s a balance between the way you have used your face throughout your life and also some innate traits that lend yourself to developing certain skill sets more than others
Susan Ibitz 25:10
in my understanding that right I’ve been a studied twins identical twins that are over the age of 40. And if you look on the pictures until the age of 1618, they have the same wrinkles. When you want to be clear, when you read on the face is features, who are the ears, the eyebrows, the team, you studied dimples, where your dimples are located is with people get attention to your face and you started wrinkles. So wrinkles has to do with experience who have to do with love, pain and grieving. The features are the intake process and express information. And the dimples is where people pay attention and how lucky you can be with certain things. If you do if you do phase rating on the Asian Wait, I do it on the word what Western way is more hardcore? So I don’t I don’t thing yeah you have to kind of fishy enemies wonder used by the Chinese to diagnose people with medical problems and we have the west or one who’s been used by hostage negotiator dating lawyers. Jury selection. Oh my god this is way deeper has been happening for 5000 years. It’s not a lot of people who that phrase reading because it’s complex but you can learn the basic. So everything who happened in your face is a GPS to your brain. Micro expressions are GPS to your emotion, emotions happening right now. And body language is everything that you want to conceal. But it’s so strong that your body give you away emotion hiding, I’m not connected disconnected. So regarding face reading, if you hold expression. If you hold pain for a long time, that pain is going to start showing in your face because your face become a map of the agreement or the happiness you have people who have a line on the tops on the top of them, the nose and the corner of the nose, that you see those wrinkles when people smile. That is people who handled things with humor. In your case we was talking before we started the interview as our Damona, you cope everything with you more you must be really fun to work around. Whatever totally
Damona 27:35
can can chime in on that or not. But um yes, I do approach everything with humor and you totally nailed it. Like I you also said I’m a fixer. And obviously if I’m doing the show, I try to fix people’s problems. But the way that I do it, like you said with humor is absolutely is absolutely it. So I would get a swipe right
Susan Ibitz 28:00
What if you’re looking for someone? Okay? There are two different ways that we date him. I don’t know if you ever read George Miller, the mating mind, he’s an order to who talk about what are different between what we look in when we’re in the 20s. And we went to meet and have kids, and maybe when your 40s and use your second relationship or your second marriage, and you’re not expecting to have kids or you already have your kids, so when you look in on that person is different. When you’re 20 you’re looking for the first perfect father and it has been to go through the having a baby getting the baby to become an adult going to college. And maybe today it’s really difficult, grow to be a partner in crime when you’re on the 70s. But in my case, when you’re in your late 40s and you already has been married, you went through all the things and when you look for a partner in crime, you’re looking for different things. You look for intelligent you look for ways to manage money, you look for ways to retire, you look for somebody who make you smile, share your
Damona 29:04
sexual compatibility element that we that we teased earlier.
Susan Ibitz 29:10
Oh, now you want to know we want to know that you are on the face to
Susan Ibitz 29:15
Well, I’m going to tell you two things. And I have my cheat sheet here. Levy, the lines are the two lines who gone from the bottom of your nose to the top of your lips. So there are two lines and some people had a really, really identify in some people as like, under define. So people who have white lines, they like physical cards and affection, they tend to be more sexual. Now when those lines are close together, there are more reserved, they can be hot, but they’re going to be more reserved. You’re going to need to wait to see they’re not going to be touchy and get on to you. Now if those lines are defined on the top of the lip, the lip. Don’t underestimate the passion but don’t expect to be recognized for being sexy or being sexual. So they’re going to be more like comedian. Everything who is undefined on your face like people who doesn’t have seek Oh well, prominent eyebrows. We call it comedian. That is the kind of people who’s like, oh, they’re going to be hiding on the back and waiting to see what happened. So your labs are important too. So if you find a person with large ear lobes who are really easy to be fine, in the case of the gentleman don’t see that fear loves when women have like long and heavy earrings. And by the way, we have three faces, the faces that we was born with, the phrase that we want to become on the face of the life give us somebody do Pearson And they want to enlarge the era. lobs would happen is they want to tell you that’s how they going to reflect themselves. So people with long Arabs who can be by Pearson are natural, they notice everything good with details, they’ll will remember everything, even the clothing, the colors the remit deal was wearing. So if you see somebody with big beer loads, and you want to attract the person, make sure you pay attention to details and the color and make sure to do these kind of question like, what is your preferred color? What is the if you have a passion of a night of passion, what color you will like your partner to be wearing? So make sure to take notes.
Damona 31:44
Wow, that is that’s in depth information, Susan Ibitz. I you touched on body language as well. And I really want to know what people can tell on a first second third date from the body language. Because that’s where it gets sort of, it gets sort of confusing for a lot of clients and what their comfort level is with touch or with be just being in their own body on a first date may differ from what the other person is bringing to the table.
Susan Ibitz 32:21
First advice. One thing that I and I see people doing on the first date, it’s sitting in front of each other. When you sit in front of each other, usually it’s a business date is not a this is a business meeting is not a date, you want to create rapport. When I was dating, I always met the person on the bar and when they asked you want to be moving to the table, only if we set next next to each other but not for in front of each other. Because when you put a barrier is more difficult to touch is more difficult to approach is more difficult to smell is more difficult to listen is really difficult to find a restaurant or bar that is not too noisy. So if you’re not sitting next to each other, so if you want to create, like fast rapport, what you need to do is sex and sit next to each other on the bar on the table on a 90 degree, never in front, don’t put everything. Don’t put everything in front of you who can be a barrier. It’s like when women holding their hand backs against the chest. That is a barrier that is like I don’t feel comfortable I want to run away from here. I’m so glad you said that because I’ve said this for a long time just in terms of building connection and everything that you said that you can be close enough to touch if you sit kitty corner catty corner however you say it. I’ve said that for a while Susan, but I didn’t. I didn’t have the social science, the behavioral science to back it up and so thank you forgiving me receipts for my long term dating life long You know, I’m done wanna we are Natural we we are born with these naturally. Dr. Matsumoto in 2008 do and study in find out that athletes who are born blind and the one who are not born blind, they have the same micro micro and body language, body language expression when they lose and they win. So it’s encoded in our DNA. What happen is, I’m going to give an example. You get your husband take the kids to dinner, and it says, honey, make sure you give the kids health engineer your husband says, Okay, good I going to give you we’re going to go to McDonald’s, but don’t tell your mom. So what happened is we learn from our parents to high emotions to do white lights. And we tend to like all tell your kids don’t put that phase when your grandmother come with a lemon pie even though you hate it, but smiley face, so we tend to high emotion We tend to encode, can you imagine if we can get a kid who’s between five and 10 years old, and we help them to develop these way to communicate to have in human intelligence will be unstoppable. So what you saying is your success sense, as a matchmaker as a person who’s a fixer, who is who you perceive and you see, and what you say is is naturally encoded in your brain. Now you have this studies showing that is true.
Damona 35:31
I love it. Thank you for giving us that info. So just to recap, everybody, don’t sit interview style. And just like Susan said, don’t have the barriers between you. But how do you know if something How can you tell if someone is interested in you, I hear all the time. From our listeners and from my clients. They’ll say well, I kind of liked him, but I couldn’t tell if he was into me. It doesn’t differ between genders.
Susan Ibitz 36:00
I have a trick. I never ever pay attention to the body. I never pay attention to the hands even though we’re going to talk about hands. The real important is the feet. If you see a capital face in the feet each other, they like each other. But I used to go and the bar closed in Chicago and like oh my god, I know the bartender and when I was born in my house, I used to go to the bar and we played taps, who’s gone with whom what is the first day what is going wrong what is going good and by the way, I was training him and can get better teach thing to that so Charlie only a lot of money. We will start looking on the feet. If the people is facing the fear because remember for years to says, you can lie with your mouth, you can lie with your body, but your feet are going to give you away so pay attention to the other person Phaedra They’re facing even though for example you’re in a bar and you both facing the bar when you just met the first person tilting the chair or tilting the body to face you is the one the first one who gets back on the attention and is the first one or I like you wait for the second person to do the same action. So if the second person doesn’t get the action, what can happen is more introvert is more shy feel like oh my god what I’m doing here this woman is too hot. She’s going to dump me all these guys too hard. He’s going to see then I forgot to watch my my my legs. So there are another situation who can happen a never happened to you that your team during the daily nap at 10am in the morning says hey, let’s go to the for for drinking it. Should I teach him to watch? My legs doesn’t show like what a date I need to hide it. So there another circles stanzas. But in one point, you forget where you’re located. You forget that your conscience and your body is going to be facing. So pay attention to the feet doesn’t matter the hand is smiling or not pay attention to the feet and everything. If you’re with someone and you notice the other person is nervous and doesn’t give away and is like in this country situation, what you can do, Jim Kelly, and asking permission initially, is put the hand on the knee and says, Hey, everything is okay. Do you want another dream? Do you want to eat something? gently put a hand for five seconds on the on the leg and let it go until the other person is start feeling better. Another thing touch the elbow to the to the shoulder softly and a trick that I used to you when I was dating is like I touch the chest of the guy like oh my god, that is awesome. And take take it away. Oh my God. That is awesome. Take it away and teach touching the need. And at the end of the day, even though I’m not a feeler, I’m not a culture. I’m not the kind of person who Cardinals are walking on the street holding hands. It was like, Oh, you make me feel really comfortable. I really appreciate it. And at the end of the day, what happened is no what happened during all the date is not what you did is no what you say is how you make me feel. So if you’re approachable, if you if you was warm to me, if you make me feel comfortable, because remember, we don’t know what is going on with our date until we start knowing each other and we can talk in a way that we can express those feelings but in the beginning, doesn’t matter how much exposure you are and how much dating you have done is a horrible situation because it’s telling your story again, is like controlling yourself is thinking like, Oh, this person is gonna like me isn’t I’m not gonna like me. I’m too weird. I’m not weird, like, what’s going on?
Damona 40:03
That I love everything that you’re saying, Susan, because this is the stuff that people don’t talk about with dating. And it’s so valuable and so useful, because we’re all out here, like swiping by chance, and second guessing what we’re feeling on the date. And I’m so glad that you said, it’s about how they make you feel. I was just talking to a client yesterday. And you know, I asked her about how this date when she’s going down the checklist like well, he was smart. He had a good job. And I said, but how did he make you feel? Because that’s really what you should be paying attention to. We can we can do this on paper all day long. But if you don’t feel right with the person, then it’s not going to go anywhere.
Susan Ibitz 40:47
If someone is I’m sorry. You know what it’s not about who is the most interesting person on the conversation? Is that person make you feel like nobody else is on the room? If I have a person in front of me to make me feel like nobody else is walking in the room, we are alone on the wall that is a taker.
Damona 41:10
That is a really good way to look at it. Any final words of wisdom that you can share you shared so much. And I know you have a lot more that people can explore. And if they want to go more in depth with someone that they’re dating, they can get an analysis that Human Behavior Lab calm. But any final words of wisdom as people are, are on dating apps and looking for the right match how they can, how they can tell if they have the right person for them in front of
Susan Ibitz 41:41
them. First of all, for personal experience, I like complex personalities, but I don’t want to complicated people. We need to understand the different, every human, every human being is complex and the wrong way even even though you think you’re simple. You’re a complex machine. So Be true to yourself and identify when somebody is trouble and when somebody conflicts. Second of all, you never know what is going on with the other person. My partner, we was for three months texting until we finally met. All my friends that are he’s dating somebody else. He’s playing with you. You know what happened. He was going through a really difficult situation with a family member who finally died. And he didn’t feel good to say it. It was something in my guts who says, You know what, he’s not lying to me something else is going on. So be aware who you are your five confident people in your life. Dating should be private to the people that you can trust and can be neutral until you’re sure who you have in front of you. Because friends always looking for the best of you but nobody have enough maturity not to be bad. Because everybody put their own experience in your experience. So be true to your gods. If someone is telling you that that person that you’re talking is why for you, keep it private sometime is better to surprise your friend like, Oh, we had been seen each other for three months. You didn’t say anything like, because was my business because at the end of the day, you’re the person putting the head on the people. And you need to be true to yourself. Another thing is, you have warning signs, pay attention. It’s a little dangerous outside, that the reason is good to have somebody like you the Mona, who can lead us to be aware of the danger things. If somebody asked you for money is something doesn’t sit right. Get away. Another thing. What I did when I was dating is I always have the first date on the same bar, and I knew the bartender I even knew when he wasn’t there. So if I’m going to the bathroom. And if I need to leave for any reason for a call, I always make sure that he checked my drink that he checked, I checked and gone leader so he could check on my date and text me was going on, go to a safe place, feel safe emotionally and physically is part of the date. Because at the end of the night, we don’t know where we’re going to encounter. So be true to yourself sometime is good to talk things with your pillow or people who is an expert on the field. And be be true to your Gods because at the end, we have that intrinsic instinct. Just follow that doesn’t matter how old you are
Damona 44:41
such great advice, Susan and also such great information. I hope everyone at home was taking copious notes and will follow up with you to get their in depth report at human behavior. lab.com Thank you so much for being here Susan. By girls. Thank you
And now you have questions. I have answers and it’s time for our next segment. Alright, Producer Leah is here with me to tackle these questions. We have this one who comes to us from Instagram. And this is from a listener who heard me on the horrible decisions podcast last week. If you haven’t heard that, go check out horrible decisions. It’s an awesome and provocative show. But this person says, My wife and I are seeking a third to be our girlfriend. What apps or advice could you give us in finding the perfect match? Ooh, Producer lyst coming in hot today. Hot Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot. Okay, I could tell you, there are some dating apps. Okay, so there’s there’s a couple different categories here. There’s swingers apps. And there are apps for people that are polyamorous that are more looking for a relationship and then there is just Straight up creeping. So I would say you’re best off going sounds like with the second. And this is apps that are either designed for polyamorous situations or that are open to polyamorous situations I find and I actually wrote an article on polyamory for BT. com y’all can look it up or maybe we’ll put it we’ll put in the show notes on Dates & Mates calm. But I did a lot of research I learned way more than I actually needed to know about polyamory. But the important thing was that many of the people who were polyamorous tended to use OK Cupid as their app of choice but the really important thing is that you lead with that info because you don’t want to be misleading somebody else who’s thinking that they’re getting a relationship just with you, and then spring it on them on the first day. Oh, by the way, I’m actually looking for a triad I want you to be in a relationship also, with my wife. Like that cannot happen on the first date that has to happen in filter. Through the dating profile, and there are plenty of women that you can find that are open to that. But you have to be transparent and upfront about it. Many of the other swipe apps people do use for that, ie Tinder. I really wouldn’t recommend Bumble for it or Coffee Meets Bagel because that’s not a volume site. I don’t know if people are doing this on hint or not. I can do some more research. Maybe I’ll write another PT. com article.
Leah Schell 47:28
Yeah, I do know that. There was an episode a few weeks ago gold digger and the sexuality secret. Wendy Miller gave us a few examples to for people who are looking for a triad situations.
Damona 47:41
Oh, right. Yeah. So just go back to day two mates for your form for more information.
Leah Schell 47:46
Also, I will say that my friends who have like successfully found triads, just went to a bar and started picking up women together. And then that just kind of more evolved. into your relationship.
Damona 48:01
Yes, yes. And then they have they have both of you there that they can, they can determine. I actually read a book recently about a woman who gave her husband a threesome for a for a birthday present. And I think they just, they think they just put it up on Craigslist or something. And it didn’t end up working on that. Well, they had like a couple of interview situations before. And then they were like, Okay, this girl and then it was good until it wasn’t and then they couldn’t get her out of the house. It could go very wrong. So you want to tread lightly.
Leah Schell 48:40
I feel like giving your husband a threesome for birthday will like I don’t know, inevitably always go wrong, but that’s a conversation for a different day.
Damona 48:48
Well, I got her book deal. Yeah, there’s trade offs. This one also comes to us from Instagram. This person asks, What’s the best type of date for a situation ship? Ask her for coffee move. or dinner? My let’s define situation ship which I actually we talked about situation ships last week on the show. But situation ship is like this is someone you’re kind of dating but it may not really be serious. Maybe for you. Maybe for them you’re not trying to wine and dine this person you’re just trying to hang and maybe get it in a little bit. Right so why dinner? Why would you have dinner for a situation ship dinner is for someone that you really are wanting to connect to on an emotional level and maybe impress or build a relationship with. So now we’re at coffee, which is just that just the lowest, lowest form of connection, or a movie. Again, if you’ve already been on a date with this person, and you already have a little bit of a rapport and you know where it’s headed, then a movie is fine. A movie is a is a good way to say I want to be close to you. I want to build connection with you, but we don’t necessarily need to spend a lot of time talking.
Leah Schell 49:59
Yeah, I always Maybe too that’s a good
Damona 50:01
for your situation ships yeah well yeah you don’t want to do it though for first date or second day it’s it’s it’s only once you’ve kind of been you’ve been in it for a little while. Coffee though. Coffee is great for a first online date moving off of the app, but I don’t I don’t know that’s going to earn you any points like if you’re going to do coffee for a situation ship and you just really want to hook up you might as well just invite her over for a drink instead. What do you think Producer Leah
Leah Schell 50:35
Netflix and chill?
Damona 50:38
Chill. Okay, one more that came to us from email you know, you can email me your questions to Mona at Damona Hoffman calm or even just go to Dates & Mates.com and there’s a contact me form that you can fill out and send me your question that way. This person says a casually dated after a serious relationship that turned toxic And have met a guy who I’m interested in. When we’re together, everything feels natural and easy. But when we’re apart, I convinced myself he’s not interested or that it won’t work. What can I do to control my anxiety over this relationship? Is it a sign that I’m not ready for a relationship after the toxic one? I quit the toxic relationship four months ago, but it’s been too since we last spoke. Who? Producer Leah? There’s a lot in here. Yeah, that’s a lot. Okay. First, I have to say your relationship past does not have to be your relationship future. And if you’re just even taking the time to assess why you had a toxic relationship before, you’re already halfway there, to changing the pattern and not reliving that, but if you obsess about it, or if you let fear drive your decision, like fear that it’s going to happen to you again, then I hate to say it but you’re going to keep repeating the same pattern. Over and over again. So let’s look at the facts. You’re here with somebody that feels really natural and easy. And if it’s natural and easy, can we just let it be easy? Can we let it be good, without feeling like things are all going to go terrible again, just because that happened in the past. You want to see if this person is who He really says he is, if he shows up for you when he says he’s going to, and if so, give him the give him the benefit of the doubt and give him the the dignity of having his own life that doesn’t necessarily align with what has happened in the past, right? Because if we start to like overlay things that somebody else did on this person, it’s going to make him feel like he’s he’s not he doesn’t have agency over his own choices and you want to give him the respect, have the same kind of respect that he’s given you so far and the relationship
Leah Schell 52:59
right Yeah, and also I’ve been kind of in the situation before where I was just having a lot of anxiety for, I don’t know, I just like was overthinking things when we’re apart and actually ended up like talking through it with my therapist. And like working through it myself, just because like, I knew that it really had nothing to do with the relationship I was in currently, it was just something like me working myself up. So
Damona 53:27
yes, yeah. I’m glad that you said that. And you know, I’m a big fan of therapy. And it’s different than dating coaching. This is really what I do is dating strategy. But I think it’s a great, great one two punch to also be doing therapy and all your base and cover all your bases so you can come to your next relationship hole. And look, we all have anxiety, some people more than others. I totally get it. So I don’t want to downplay the fact that, that you’re dealing with anxiety and anxiety and depression can be very powerful. powerful emotions that drive our actions. But like I said, if you are at least acknowledging it, recognizing it and feeling what’s coming up for you, then you have a choice right now remember, you have a choice. And you can choose to let the anxiety lead your, the way you behave in this relationship and the decisions that you make, or you can choose to let that live in the past and to move forward with your life. I think that’s a great place to end today’s show. Producer Leah? Yeah, totally. Why don’t we put up all the links for today’s show in the show notes at Dates & Mates.com I hope you enjoyed Episode 284 of Dates & Mates. I’m at Simone Hoffman on all of the socials. Please join in the conversation and send me your questions for future episodes. And by the way, we have a special extra gift from Susan Ibitz, our guest for today. She is giving away a 30 minute consultation with her Yes, you can get a face reading for yourself or for someone that you’re dating, to figure out if it’s a good match or not, and it’s all free to one lucky person. All you have to do is share this episode on the social media platform of your choice and tag me at Damona Hoffman, I’m literally on every social media platform as at demoed. hapa not Snapchat. Don’t tag me on Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, wherever you want to share this episode, please share it with a friend. And then make sure you tag me and that will get you a chance to win a 30 minute consultation with Susan you can tag me all the way through December 1 at 11:59pm Pacific. And I will choose one lucky winner but at random from all the people who have entered on December 2, all you have to do share the episode tag me and you could win that 30 minute free consultation with Susan face reading for you face reading for someone new dating, face reading for both of you. I think it’s a good deal Producer Leah
Leah Schell 55:59
Yeah. Definitely I’m excited for you all.
Damona 56:01
Well, and I’m also excited that next week we have a Dear Damona episode coming your way you have sent in so many amazing questions that we had to dedicate an entire episode to it. So tune in next week. We’ll be back here Monday morning, bright and early. Until then I wish you happy dating!