You take two years off from dating to heal. You work on yourself, you rest, you reset. Then you reenter the dating scene ready for love, only to find the apps feel like a party that ran out of food and forgot to hire a DJ.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
For anyone who’s navigating the dating world with strong political or social justice values, finding a match who aligns can feel like threading a needle in the dark, during an election year.
So, how do you say what matters without saying too much? How do you make space for nuance, connection, and curiosity when everyone’s guard is already up?
And we’re diving deep with Vernee, a longtime listener who’s looking for a partner with shared political and social justice values.
Her question: How do you communicate your political stance on a dating app without scaring people off? And are there better ways to meet someone who really gets you?
Grab your khakis — Steve Kornacki is making a cameo.
(1:48) Is It Too Much to Want Someone Who Actually Shares Your Beliefs?
Vernee lives in a purple state, and she’s frustrated.
Her matches either hide their beliefs, misrepresent them, or secretly disagree with her worldview. She’s looking for someone who doesn’t just nod along — she wants someone who shows up for the causes that matter.
But let’s be real: the dating landscape has changed fast. And if it feels harder now than it did two years ago, that’s not your imagination.
We’re in the middle of a communication crisis. Zombie swiping, empty chats, ghosting… the apps are full, but the connections feel hollow. That emotional labor? Exhausting.
(10:32) Politics on a First Date? Why It Might Be Your New Filter
Remember when politics was considered a “don’t go there” first date topic? Not anymore.
Damona used to tell clients to focus on values over party lines. But in 2025, the two are often intertwined. Our political identities reflect our core beliefs — about human rights, justice, even how we handle conflict or make decisions.
Recent statistics show that only 21% of marriages happen between people of differing political affiliations — and even fewer span the full red-blue spectrum.
So yes, it’s okay if this is non-negotiable for you now. But how you express it matters.
(18:10) How to Say What You Stand For (Without Saying Too Much)
Let’s skip the “Don’t message me if you voted for X” approach. It reads as defensive and shuts down curiosity.
If your values are core to who you are, your dating profile should reflect that, but there’s a difference between signaling and shouting.
There’s power in the details you choose to share. A pop culture reference, a cause you casually mention, or even the way you describe your weekend plans can all serve as quiet but clear indicators of what you care about.
When done right, those little cues become magnets for the right people — no disclaimers needed. Because someone who’s aligned will pick up what you’re putting down.
(25:07) Why Texting About Politics Can Backfire Fast
You want to know where someone stands. Especially when it comes to values, beliefs, and the things that shape how they move through the world.
But trying to unpack all of that in a dating app chat? It rarely goes the way you hope.
Texting is built for convenience, not complexity. It’s easy for nuance to get lost, assumptions to creep in, and people to shut down before the real conversation even begins.
And let’s be honest, in a screenshot culture, some people hesitate to share anything personal without context or trust.
Curiosity goes a lot further than interrogation.
(31:20) Where to Actually Meet People Who Share Your Beliefs
Not vibing on the apps? Take your values offline.
There are spaces, offline and often overlooked, where people lead with their values, not just their selfies.
These aren’t necessarily “dating spaces,” but that’s part of the magic. The energy is different when people show up because they care about something bigger than themselves.
And here’s a little mindset shift: the goal isn’t to meet the one right away. It’s to plug into a community that reflects who you are and what matters to you
Bonus tip? Don’t keep your intentions a secret. Let people know you’re open to meeting someone. You’d be surprised how many quiet matchmakers are out there, just waiting for a reason to introduce you to someone special.
(38:45) It Only Takes One
If dating has felt like a losing game lately, take this as your reminder: you’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for alignment.
And while not every conversation will turn into your forever person — every connection can help you refine what you want, how you show up, and how to build trust with someone new.
So tweak that profile. Widen your search radius. And step into spaces where your voice matters.
Because the truth is: it only takes one. One person. One spark. One conversation that finally feels easy, honest, and mutual.
💌Have your own dating dilemma? Damona has the answers!
Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!
And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.
I Miss You Taboo & The Bro Barrier
The “I Miss You” That Changed Everything
What happens when three simple words carry the weight of decades of gender norms?
This week’s Dates & Mates conversation started with one casual moment between a husband and wife that opened up something much bigger.
When friend of the show Douglas asked his wife how a plan with an acquaintance came together and she said, “I just got a text that said ‘I miss you,’” it sparked a debate that many people, especially men, are quietly carrying.
“I told her it’s nice that women can just text ‘I miss you’ to each other because guys can’t do that,” Douglas said. “She insisted that we could. But I’m not convinced.”
Let’s talk about what’s really stopping us from connecting and how we can start changing it.
(2:10) The Gender Divide That Silences “I Miss You”
There’s a reason it feels easier for women to say “I miss you.”
Many of us were socialized from a young age to express our emotions, nurture friendships, and use affirming language with each other. That doesn’t mean we all do it perfectly, but the cultural permission is there.
Men, on the other hand, often learn that bonding should happen through action, not vulnerability. So when a man says “I miss you,” it risks being misunderstood or even rejected.
What’s stopping many of us from deeper connection isn’t emotional incapacity. It’s social conditioning. And it’s costing people relationships they need now more than ever.
(5:45) The Friendship Recession Is Real
In the 1990s, over half of men said they had six or more close friends. By 2021, that number had dropped to 27%. Now, one in six men in the U.S. reports having zero close friends.
That’s not just sad. It’s dangerous. Because the emotional suppression that begins in childhood often turns into loneliness, anger, and disconnection later in life.
“I talk a lot about how we expect our partners to be everything: best friend, emotional confidant, romantic connection, but that’s not sustainable,” Damona says in the episode. “We need a constellation of care.”
And yes, that includes friendships.
(10:30) Yes, You Can Text First
Reaching out to an old friend or starting a new one might feel like an emotional mountain. But the first step doesn’t have to be dramatic.
Here are a few text ideas that feel real but not risky:
You don’t need to say “I miss you” right away. But saying something is a good place to begin.
(14:45) How to Rebuild Friendship One Activity at a Time
If you’re someone who struggles with staying in touch or you know a friend who does, don’t wait for the perfect moment. Set up a recurring one.
Regular rituals take the pressure off vulnerability. A monthly lunch, a standing game night, even shared fandom over a sports team can become your bridge back to connection.
“It doesn’t have to be deep to be meaningful,” Damona shares. “You’re just giving the friendship a place to live.”
Even one standing plan can shift how connected you feel and how safe it becomes to say more next time.
(20:00) The New Friendship Playbook
Connection isn’t gendered. And real friendship doesn’t come from grand gestures. It comes from small acts of courage over time.
So if you’ve been telling yourself you can’t say how you feel, or you’re too old to make new friends, or it’s too awkward to reach out, here’s your reframe:
You can. You’re not. And it isn’t.
Try something this week. Make a list of people you’d like to reconnect with. Or notice the folks you cross paths with regularly and take the first step. Ask a question. Make a comment. Be curious.
Sometimes all it takes is a little reminder that you matter to someone and that they matter to you.
💌 Got a communication question you’ve been sitting on?
Whether it’s about dating, relationships, boundaries, or what the heck to text back… Damona’s here for all of it.
Send your question in a DM or voice memo on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or send a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255. It might just be featured in an upcoming Dear Damona segment.
And remember: Dates & Mates isn’t just about romantic relationships anymore. It’s about the people who matter most: partners, friends, family, and you.
📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?
Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker
The Big Confession & Texting Gremlins
“I Think I Found My Wife”… After One Date?
Does this mean it’s over? Did he mess it up forever? Is there still a chance?
This week on Dates & Mates, we explored what happens when an incredible first date leads to a connection so strong that you forget to pace yourself. You know the feeling: sparks fly, emotions swirl, and suddenly you’re saying the one thing you know you shouldn’t.
A listener wrote in:
“Late at night, I had to get these thoughts off my mind. I told her I felt like I’d found my wife. She expressed that she was disappointed that I would say this after what she told me about moving too fast and that it was best we not see each other.”
So what now? Is there a way back after scaring someone off, or is this one of those live and learn moments?
(02:00) The Danger of Declaring Too Much, Too Soon
Big feelings aren’t bad, but unprocessed feelings shared too early can be overwhelming. Just because you feel something intense doesn’t mean you need to say it right away, especially when someone has already told you their boundaries.
If you’re feeling the urge to overshare early, pause and ask yourself: Is this about connection, or is it about control?
When we lead with big declarations, we sometimes bypass the slow-building safety that real intimacy needs.
One of the most powerful takeaways? Your desire for connection is valid. But your delivery matters.
(04:00) The “Fairy Tale Filter” That Blurs Our Judgment
When something feels magical, our brains love to fill in the gaps, especially when there are only a few data points.
That electric first date? It can start to look like a movie montage in your mind, complete with a happily ever after.
“You’re leaning into the fairytale, my friend,” Damona shared. “Our brains love stories. When we don’t have all the information, we start to fill in the blanks.”
This is where self-awareness matters. When you catch yourself romanticizing someone after a single date, slow down and reflect: What do I actually know about them? Noticing your projections can save you from disappointment and help you stay present with what’s real.
(07:00) Why You Felt That Deep Connection And What It Really Meant
Here’s a reframe: maybe what you felt wasn’t about her at all. Maybe it was about you showing up as your most open, grounded self, possibly for the first time in a long time. That kind of presence can make anything feel profound.
If you’re wondering why a date felt different, look at how you showed up. Were you less guarded? More present? Less worried about outcomes? That’s worth celebrating, and replicating, no matter where things go with that particular person.
That deep feeling you’re chasing? It might not be about finding her. It might be about finding you.
(13:00) When You Know Someone’s Trigger… and Walk Right Into It
This listener’s date shared a clear vulnerability: she’d been hurt before by someone who moved too fast. And then he did the exact thing she was afraid of.
Missteps like this don’t make you a bad person; they make you human. But learning to listen beneath someone’s words for the emotional need behind them? That’s a game-changer.
If someone tells you what overwhelmed them in the past, treat that as a roadmap not a challenge. Respecting boundaries builds trust. Overriding them, even with the best intentions, usually backfires.
(18:00) Can You Recover From Coming On Too Strong?
Yes… but only if you do it with honesty and care. Start by owning the impact, not just the intention.
Say something like: “I really heard you when you said you needed to take things slow, and I blew right past that. I let my emotions lead, and I get why that didn’t feel safe. If you’re open to it, I’d love to start over. No pressure, just presence.”
Repairing trust isn’t about chasing. It’s about showing emotional maturity and consistency, not romantic grand gestures. If someone chooses to re-engage, let it be on their terms. And if they don’t? Take the lesson forward.
💭 Got a tricky convo, awkward moment, or mixed signal you need help decoding? You’re not the only one.
Whether it’s a confusing text thread, a situationship that’s getting murky, or a relationship rule you’re rethinking… bring it to Dates & Mates.
Damona’s here to help.
Drop your question in a DM or voice memo on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or send a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255. It might be featured in a future Dear Damona segment, and yes, you can stay anonymous.
Oh, and one more thing: this show isn’t just about dating anymore. It’s about all the relationships that matter most, because love shows up in more ways than one.
📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?
Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker
Love After Loss & The Vulnerability Gap
This week’s episode touches a place many of us don’t talk about enough: what it feels like to start over emotionally after loss.
Even when a connection seems strong on the surface, it’s not always easy to tell whether it’s built on real compatibility or just mutual comfort. And when grief is part of both people’s past, the lines between healing and hoping can get blurry.
This week, a listener shares:
“My partner and I both lost our spouses, and we bonded over that. Now, three months in, I’m the one opening up and being vulnerable. He also wants us to move in together already. Am I asking too much? Or moving too fast?”
She’s asking a question that goes deeper than just timelines or teasing. It’s about what it really means to feel emotionally safe, and what to do when that safety isn’t mutual yet.
(3:00) Grief Bonds Are Real, but So Are Emotional Timelines
When someone has gone through something similar to you, it creates instant understanding. But emotional readiness doesn’t always travel at the same speed.
Just because someone relates to your story doesn’t mean they’re in the same chapter of healing.
If your emotional needs are showing up early in a relationship, and the other person isn’t matching that energy, it’s worth pausing to ask what you actually need now… not what you both needed back then.
The grief might have brought you together, but connection takes more than shared history.
(7:45) When One Person Opens Up and the Other Stays Quiet
The listener feels like she’s carrying the emotional weight in the relationship. This isn’t uncommon, especially when two people are still figuring out their own way forward after loss.
The tricky part is that vulnerability doesn’t always look the same. Some people speak in full paragraphs. Others shut down or use humor.
But if you’re consistently feeling dismissed, like your feelings don’t have a place to land, something needs to shift.
As Damona puts it, “It’s not that your partner isn’t feeling something. It’s that he may not have the language or emotional tools to express it the same way you do.”
You can’t force someone to open up, but you can stop over-functioning in the emotional space and see what happens when you leave room for them to step in.
(15:00) Language That Makes You Feel Small Isn’t Just a Joke
“He says I’m crazy, but he likes crazy.” It sounds playful, maybe even affectionate. But if you flinch when you hear it, or feel smaller afterward, that’s a sign to pay attention to.
Teasing can sometimes be a stand-in for intimacy. It keeps things light instead of real. If your emotional expression is being met with sarcasm or labels, even in jest, it chips away at your confidence.
Damona says, “If it doesn’t feel like a joke to you, then it’s not a joke.” Trust your gut. The language you allow becomes part of the relationship’s tone.
(20:10) Fast Moves Might Be Covering Emotional Gaps
Three months in, and the idea of moving in together is already on the table.
It might sound romantic, especially when two people feel close. But big steps too soon can sometimes be a distraction from deeper emotional work that hasn’t happened yet.
Ask yourself: Are we aligned in how we handle conflict? Do we feel emotionally steady day to day? Has there been real space for disagreement, or are we coasting on shared comfort?
Moving in isn’t a test of commitment. It’s a magnifier. If something feels off now, it won’t disappear in close quarters. It usually gets louder.
(22:40) Creating Emotional Safety Without Overexplaining
When your partner isn’t opening up, it’s easy to fall into the trap of explaining your needs over and over. But vulnerability is a two-way exchange. You’re not just trying to be heard, you’re trying to feel joined.
Instead of pushing for them to say more, try modeling the kind of connection you want. Share something personal without a big lead-in.
Name a small gesture they did that made you feel seen. Keep it light, but specific. Emotional connection doesn’t always start with a heavy talk. Sometimes it begins in the quiet moments where safety is built, not demanded.
Damona shares, “You’re not asking them to be someone else. You’re showing them how to be more of themselves, out loud, and with you.”
💌 Before you go, if you’re stuck over what to text back, spiraling over mixed signals, or just navigating something messy in love (or friendship, or family), don’t sit with it alone.
Damona’s here to help.
Slide into our DMs on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or text/leave a voicemail at 424-246-6255. Your question could be featured in an upcoming Dear Damona segment, and let’s be real, if you’re wondering about it, someone else probably is too.
Oh, and one more thing: this show isn’t just about dating anymore. It’s about all the relationships that matter most, because love shows up in more ways than one.
📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?
Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker
The Friendship Drift & Support Squads
Friendship drift is real, but it does not have to be the end of the story.
Have you ever felt your best friend slowly drifting away, not in a big, dramatic blowup, but in small, almost imperceptible ways?
You still talk regularly, but the conversations that used to go late into the night are now quick updates about work, weekend plans, or the latest Netflix binge. And when you try to open up about something deeper, the subject changes.
This week on Dates & Mates, we unpack a listener’s question:
“We’ve been best friends for years, but lately it feels like we’re only talking about surface-level stuff. Is this just what happens as we grow up?”
We explore why friendships shift over time, the mistakes we make when trying to “fix” them, and simple, low-pressure strategies to bring back connection without guilt trips or awkward energy.
We also share how to build a wider support system and offer tips that can strengthen all your relationships, from friendships to family ties to even your dating life.
(1:52) It’s Only Weird If We Make It Weird
When something feels “off” in a friendship, our first instinct is often to avoid it.
But awkwardness usually comes from resisting change, resisting the unknown, resisting showing up fully as ourselves.
As Damona says, “A lot of that weirdness actually comes from resistance… and I encourage you to lean into it… mindfully.”
We break down how small shifts in your own approach can ease tension and open the door for more authentic conversations.
(6:10) The Third Character in Every Friendship
There’s you, there’s your friend, and there’s the friendship itself… a “third character” with its own needs.
Life changes like marriage, kids, new jobs, or caregiving can pull focus and naturally shift priorities.
When we see the friendship as something we both actively nurture, it’s easier to adapt instead of falling into resentment. This perspective also helps you spot whether the friendship simply needs a different kind of attention right now, rather than a total overhaul.
(18:33) Reopening the Door to Connection
Sometimes when a friend doesn’t respond to our deeper shares, it’s not about us; it could be timing, emotional bandwidth, or comfort level. That’s why how you try to reconnect matters.
We share ways to re-engage without forcing it, like using shared memories or parallel experiences as conversation starters.
As Damona explains, “Storytelling can remind someone of your safety and security, without it feeling like a vulnerability test.” These small, low-stakes moments can be powerful in reestablishing trust.
(36:20) Diversify Your Emotional Support
Not every friend can meet every need and that’s okay. Building a broad emotional support network ensures you’re not relying on one person for everything.
When you have different friends for different roles, the confidant, the workout buddy, the travel partner, you can appreciate each relationship for what it brings instead of trying to make it be everything.
That mindset shift alone can reduce pressure and keep connections feeling light, natural, and mutually fulfilling.
💌Have a communication conundrum? Damona’s got you.
Whether it’s love, conflict, or just figuring out what to text back, no question is too big or too small.
Submit your dating, relationship, or communication questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!
And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.
📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?
Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker
Boundaries, Moms, & The Post-Date Spiral
When Your Mom’s Opinions Are Tanking Your Dating Confidence
We take on all types of relationships on this show, including romantic, friendship, and even work, but this week, we’re zooming in on one that hits home for a lot of us: the one with mom.
This week’s question came from a listener who’s close with her mother. Maybe too close.
She wrote: “She wants me to be happy, but it’s gotten to the point where I second-guess my own instincts.”
Sound familiar?
Whether it’s about who you date, how you show up, or what kind of love you “should” be chasing, sometimes the people who love us most can leave us doubting ourselves the most.
This episode is about creating space to breathe, to choose, and to lead with your own voice, without cutting off the people you care about most.
(1:28) When Love Sounds a Lot Like Control
It can be hard to tell when your mom’s love crosses into overstep until you realize her voice is louder than your own.
One minute you’re glowing after a great date, and the next, you’re spiraling because of a throwaway comment she made about your type, your outfit, or the way you told the story.
We share why even the most loving advice can feel like control and how to spot when it’s chipping away at your confidence.
As Damona says, “She already did the programming. Now it’s hands off.” Because when your dating decisions start to feel like a family group project, something’s gotta give.
(5:42) Boundaries That Don’t Burn Bridges
It’s possible to love your mom deeply and still need her to back off.
When her opinions start to override your own, it’s time for some emotional guardrails that protect your peace without blowing up the relationship.
Damona shares how to set expectations before things escalate, including one simple strategy that shifts the tone entirely: “You have an absolute responsibility to advocate for yourself. Maybe along the way, you educate your mom on how to support you.”
If you’ve ever felt guilty for pulling back or struggled to hold the line without losing your cool, this is the kind of script you’ll want in your back pocket.
(12:07) Stop Calling Mom Before the Date
You’re not just picking your outfit, you’re picking your mindset. And the people you let in before a date can make or break the energy you bring to the table.
We get into the idea of “mindset movers” and why calling your mom (or anyone whose vibe throws you off) right before a date is a setup for self-sabotage.
You’re building a rhythm and rituals for dating, one that starts with your voice, not someone else’s fears.
(21:15) Before the World Gets a Vote
What you do after a date is just as important as how the date went.
The opinions, the second-guessing, the noise, they all show up fast. But if you can catch your own thoughts first, you get to decide what the story really was.
We talk about how to hold onto your perspective with simple post-date rituals like journaling or using our free Date Tracker.
As Damona puts it, “You want to remember how you felt in that moment, before anyone else’s opinion reshapes your memory.”
GET THE FREE DATE TRACKER HERE
(30:55) Just Because She Asks Doesn’t Mean You Have to Answer
There’s a difference between being honest and handing over every detail before it’s ready.
In early dating, emotional privacy isn’t secrecy; it’s self-protection. Oversharing can feel like bonding, but it can also open the door to opinions that shake your confidence or steer you off course
This part of the episode walks through how to decide what to share, when to share it, and why keeping some details to yourself might be the most loving move—for both of you.
It’s not about keeping secrets. It’s about protecting something sacred while it’s still taking sha
💌Have a communication conundrum? Damona’s got you.
Whether it’s love, conflict, or just figuring out what to text back, no question is too big or too small.
Submit your dating, relationship, or communication questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!
And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.
📝 Want a better way to track what’s working (and what’s not) in your love life?
Get your free Date Tracker at damonahoffman.com/datetracker
Feminine Energy Fatigue & The Myth of Being Chosen
Have you ever been told you need to be “softer” to be loved?
Or felt like you had to shrink parts of yourself to fit into someone else’s idea of what a woman “should” be? You’re not alone.
This week on Dates & Mates, we dedicate the entire episode to a listener question that is at the heart of modern gender dynamics in dating.
Esther left us a voice memo asking: How can I be a strong woman who supports a partner without losing myself? And how do I get into my feminine energy on a date?
There’s a lot to unpack. And that’s exactly what we do in this episode.
(2:00) Can You “Build Up” a Man, and Should You?
We start with a powerful question about the role women are often expected to play in their relationships.
Esther wants to know how to be a strong woman who helps build up her man. Is that really your job? Or are we just repeating old patterns handed down through outdated relationship narratives?
Damona says, “That’s his work. That’s not your work. It’s not your job to make your partner feel any kind of way other than safe and cared for.”
It’s a reminder that real support doesn’t mean sacrificing your own needs.
(6:00) Encouragement > Fixing
Let’s talk about one of the most common traps we fall into when trying to support a partner: trying to fix them.
How can you shift from correction mode into true encouragement? Maybe the better question is why this change makes all the difference in how secure and seen your partner feels.
We also look at how over-correcting in relationships can erode trust and create imbalance.
(9:00) Vulnerability Is a Superpower
Especially for men, showing emotion has often been misunderstood as weakness.
But we explain why emotional openness is actually one of the strongest things we can bring into a relationship.
We dig into what emotional safety looks like and why so many people struggle to create it. You’ll come away thinking differently about how vulnerability works in healthy love, and how to invite it in.
(12:00) Feminine Energy Isn’t a Costume
Esther’s second question? How to get into her feminine energy around men.
“If you’ve been telling yourself, ‘I just need to get more into my feminine energy so I can attract the right man,’ I gently want to challenge that,” Damona says. “Because here’s the truth: feminine energy is fake…it’s a label”
Are we talking about being agreeable? Submissive? Passive? Let’s challenge the idea that “feminine energy” is something you need to switch on to be desirable, and instead ask, what if it’s just about feeling safe enough to receive?
(16:00) The Risk of Performing for Love
Trying to mold yourself into someone else’s ideal, even subtly, always comes at a cost.
Let’s talk about the danger of trying to “act feminine” in a way that doesn’t feel authentic. What does it cost you to pretend you don’t have preferences? To mute your voice? To play small?
You need to get real about what performance in dating looks like and how letting it go might be your path to true connection.
(19:00) Strength Isn’t a Problem — It’s the Point
Esther asked how to be strong and still be cherished.
The answer isn’t to soften yourself into someone else’s comfort zone, it’s to be whole. Damona shares why the right partner won’t just tolerate your strength, they’ll value it.
This episode is a celebration of the full you…the ambitious you, the assertive you, the emotional you. Because strength isn’t something to hide, it’s something to bring boldly into your relationships.
💌Have a communication conundrum? Damona’s got you.
Whether it’s love, conflict, or just figuring out what to text back, no question is too big or too small. Submit your dating, relationship, or communication questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!
And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.
The Nice Guy 9 & The Materialists Myth
Is Your Dating Checklist Secretly Sabotaging You?
This week’s Dates & Mates episode kicks off with a listener question that struck a chord and sparked a full-on love-life unpacking session.
After watching Materialists, a film about a matchmaker who builds relationships by check-box and statistics, one listener wrote in with a plea:
“How do we stop dating by checklist and start choosing real connection? We dive into the assumptions, patterns, and emotional blind spots that keep us stuck. I’m always the friend, never the boyfriend, just because I don’t hit the right numbers on their list.”
That question leads us into one of the realest conversations we’ve had about dating patterns, fantasy thinking, and what it really means to be “the nice one.”
(2:00) The Listener Question That Unlocked Everything
What happens when rom-com tropes meet real-life frustration?
Our listener reflected on the movie: Materialists, and suddenly, it’s not just a movie. It’s his dating life on screen. He’s the nice guy. The friend. The emotional crutch. And the reason? He doesn’t meet the “list.”
There is a deeper cultural script we’ve all been fed: that you’re either the fantasy or the fallback. And in this episode, we begin to ask a better question: what are these lists really protecting us from?
(10:40) Matchmakers, Fairytales & the Pay-to-Play Illusion
On the surface, matchmaking sounds dreamy: someone else does the heavy lifting and hands you your perfect match.
But beneath the fantasy is a truth most people don’t realize: matchmaking is expensive, exclusive, and not nearly as magical as it seems.
We talk about the real mechanics of modern matchmaking, the myths that drive people to outsource their love life, and why no one (not even a professional) can save you from the deeper emotional work.
Spoiler: even the best matchmakers can’t make your list love you back.
(15:50) What If the Friend Zone Isn’t About You Being “Too Nice”?
You’re emotionally available, you listen, you care—and yet, the people you date keep choosing the unpredictable, unavailable, emotionally erratic “bad boy” instead.
Sound familiar?
We explore the stories we tell ourselves when things don’t go our way in dating, and the mental leaps we make to protect our egos.
Because sometimes, it’s easier to believe “they always pick the jerk” than to face the possibility that something in your approach might need a shift. It’s not about blaming, it’s about reclaiming your narrative.
(25:25) The Nice Guy Nine: The Moves That Actually Make a Difference
This is your playbook reset.
Forget what you’ve been told about what “nice” means. We lay out the nine habits,what we call “The Nice Guy Nine”, that shift how others see you and how you show up.
These aren’t gimmicks or games. They’re connection skills rooted in presence, confidence, and emotional intelligence.
From giving deep compliments and creating safe physical contact, to the surprisingly powerful move of simply telling someone you like them, this list is a guide for anyone tired of being misunderstood or overlooked.
Bonus: you’ll hear how Damona’s own husband went from perpetual friend zone to forever love using these exact behaviors.
(42:00) When Dating Feels Hopeless, Try This One Reframe
Maybe you’ve been ghosted. Maybe you’re exhausted from trying. Maybe you’re telling yourself that it’s just not in the cards for you.
This closing segment is your emotional reset. It’s about challenging the narratives that leave you powerless—and discovering the small shifts that can lead to big changes.
Maybe it’s not about doing everything differently. Maybe it’s about doing one thing differently and letting the ripple effect unfold
💌Have a communication conundrum? Damona’s got you.
Whether it’s love, conflict, or just figuring out what to text back, no question is too big or too small. Submit your dating, relationship, or communication questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!
And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.
Leaning Left but Swiping Right: Politics & Dating
You take two years off from dating to heal. You work on yourself, you rest, you reset. Then you reenter the dating scene ready for love, only to find the apps feel like a party that ran out of food and forgot to hire a DJ.
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
For anyone who’s navigating the dating world with strong political or social justice values, finding a match who aligns can feel like threading a needle in the dark, during an election year.
So, how do you say what matters without saying too much? How do you make space for nuance, connection, and curiosity when everyone’s guard is already up?
And we’re diving deep with Vernee, a longtime listener who’s looking for a partner with shared political and social justice values.
Her question: How do you communicate your political stance on a dating app without scaring people off? And are there better ways to meet someone who really gets you?
Grab your khakis — Steve Kornacki is making a cameo.
(1:48) Is It Too Much to Want Someone Who Actually Shares Your Beliefs?
Vernee lives in a purple state, and she’s frustrated.
Her matches either hide their beliefs, misrepresent them, or secretly disagree with her worldview. She’s looking for someone who doesn’t just nod along — she wants someone who shows up for the causes that matter.
But let’s be real: the dating landscape has changed fast. And if it feels harder now than it did two years ago, that’s not your imagination.
We’re in the middle of a communication crisis. Zombie swiping, empty chats, ghosting… the apps are full, but the connections feel hollow. That emotional labor? Exhausting.
(10:32) Politics on a First Date? Why It Might Be Your New Filter
Remember when politics was considered a “don’t go there” first date topic? Not anymore.
Damona used to tell clients to focus on values over party lines. But in 2025, the two are often intertwined. Our political identities reflect our core beliefs — about human rights, justice, even how we handle conflict or make decisions.
Recent statistics show that only 21% of marriages happen between people of differing political affiliations — and even fewer span the full red-blue spectrum.
So yes, it’s okay if this is non-negotiable for you now. But how you express it matters.
(18:10) How to Say What You Stand For (Without Saying Too Much)
Let’s skip the “Don’t message me if you voted for X” approach. It reads as defensive and shuts down curiosity.
If your values are core to who you are, your dating profile should reflect that, but there’s a difference between signaling and shouting.
There’s power in the details you choose to share. A pop culture reference, a cause you casually mention, or even the way you describe your weekend plans can all serve as quiet but clear indicators of what you care about.
When done right, those little cues become magnets for the right people — no disclaimers needed. Because someone who’s aligned will pick up what you’re putting down.
(25:07) Why Texting About Politics Can Backfire Fast
You want to know where someone stands. Especially when it comes to values, beliefs, and the things that shape how they move through the world.
But trying to unpack all of that in a dating app chat? It rarely goes the way you hope.
Texting is built for convenience, not complexity. It’s easy for nuance to get lost, assumptions to creep in, and people to shut down before the real conversation even begins.
And let’s be honest, in a screenshot culture, some people hesitate to share anything personal without context or trust.
Curiosity goes a lot further than interrogation.
(31:20) Where to Actually Meet People Who Share Your Beliefs
Not vibing on the apps? Take your values offline.
There are spaces, offline and often overlooked, where people lead with their values, not just their selfies.
These aren’t necessarily “dating spaces,” but that’s part of the magic. The energy is different when people show up because they care about something bigger than themselves.
And here’s a little mindset shift: the goal isn’t to meet the one right away. It’s to plug into a community that reflects who you are and what matters to you
Bonus tip? Don’t keep your intentions a secret. Let people know you’re open to meeting someone. You’d be surprised how many quiet matchmakers are out there, just waiting for a reason to introduce you to someone special.
(38:45) It Only Takes One
If dating has felt like a losing game lately, take this as your reminder: you’re not asking for too much. You’re asking for alignment.
And while not every conversation will turn into your forever person — every connection can help you refine what you want, how you show up, and how to build trust with someone new.
So tweak that profile. Widen your search radius. And step into spaces where your voice matters.
Because the truth is: it only takes one. One person. One spark. One conversation that finally feels easy, honest, and mutual.
💌Have your own dating dilemma? Damona has the answers!
Don’t forget you can submit your dating and relationship questions for our Dear Damona segment on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or leave us a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255, and hear Damona’s answers live in a future episode!
And don’t forget — Dates & Mates is now about all your significant relationships, not just romantic ones.
Access Daily: Why You’re Your Own Best Matchmaker
Damona Brings Dating Realness to Access Daily
When Damona joined Kit Hoover and Scott Evans on Access Daily, things got real—fast. From the moment she dropped the price tag on matchmaking, jaws hit the floor. But the real takeaway? You don’t need to drop $10K to find love. “You are your own best matchmaker,” Damona said, and suddenly the game changed.
She walked through how outdated dating lists, wishful thinking (aka “hopium”), and ghosting culture are keeping people stuck—and how small shifts in clarity and intention can unlock totally new results. Whether it’s how to introduce your kids to someone new or why Gen Z is avoiding one-on-one dates, Damona gave every viewer something to think about—and something to laugh at. As always, she brought the honesty, strategy, and heart that’s made her a trusted voice in modern dating.
The Texting Trap: Why Too Much Texting Can Ruin Your First Date
The way we communicate has completely transformed, especially when it comes to dating. Texting is quick, easy, and feels low-risk, but could it actually be sabotaging your first dates before you even meet?
If you’ve ever found yourself in an awkward silence after days of non-stop texting, you’re not alone. We call this the Texting Trap, a cycle of endless messaging that creates false intimacy and burns out the excitement before the real date even happens.
Let’s unpack the ways over-texting could be killing your first-date potential and how to change that for good.
1. Too Much Texting Kills the Mystery
First dates thrive on curiosity and discovery. But if you’ve already exchanged every favorite movie, breakfast choice, and pet peeve over text, there’s little left to uncover when you finally meet.
The magic of a first date is in the unknown, those fresh questions that spark real-time reactions. When texting turns into a full-blown autobiography, that anticipation fades. Keep some of your stories for the date to keep the energy fresh and engaging.
2. Miscommunication Is Practically Guaranteed
Without tone, facial expressions, or body language, texts can easily be misinterpreted. A sarcastic joke might come off as harsh. A delay in response could be read as disinterest.
These micro-misunderstandings pile up, setting the wrong tone before you even meet. Saving the deeper conversations for in-person interactions allows for clarity and connection.
3. Texting Builds False Expectations
Let’s be honest: texting lets us curate our responses. We can pause, think, and craft the perfect reply, but that’s not how real conversations work.
The person you’ve been texting for days might seem sharp and charming through their carefully chosen words, but in real life, that chemistry might not translate.
First dates should be about real-time connection, not trying to match the polished versions of ourselves we’ve been texting.
4. Emotional Intimacy Develops Too Fast
It’s easy to share personal stories over text because it feels less vulnerable. But that rapid connection can lead to unrealistic expectations before you’ve even shared a meal together.
Emotional intimacy needs the balance of face-to-face interaction to really take root. Otherwise, it can feel like you’re on a third date emotionally when it’s actually your first in person.
5. Over-Texting Leads to Burnout Before You Even Meet
Conversations should be building excitement, not draining it.
If you’ve been texting nonstop for days or weeks, that first date can feel more like a formality than an adventure. Keep the pre-date texting light and focused on logistics to avoid burnout.
6. It Steals the Build-Up of Anticipation
Anticipation is half the fun of dating. When you’ve already spilled everything over text, there’s no room left for those fun ‘getting to know you’ moments.
Keep some stories for when you’re face-to-face, it’ll make the experience feel more authentic and exciting.
7. Texting Stays Surface-Level
While it’s great for quick check-ins and flirty banter, texting rarely dives deep.
Real conversations, the ones that build lasting connections, happen face-to-face. Save those more meaningful discussions for when you’re together.
8. You Miss the Chance to Gauge Real Chemistry
Chemistry isn’t something you can feel through a screen.
That spark, that laugh, that body language, you only get those signals in person. If you’re spending too much time in the texting phase, you might be missing the real-world connection entirely.
9. It Makes You Overthink Everything
The more you text, the more room there is for second-guessing.
Did they like that joke? Was that emoji too much? Did I reply too quickly? By the time you meet, you might already feel drained from all the mental gymnastics.
Breaking Free from the Texting Trap
Texting is great for setting up dates and sharing quick thoughts, but it’s not a substitute for real-world connection.
The key is to text with purpose, not out of habit. Keep your texts light and focused on making plans, not spilling your life story. When you do finally meet, you’ll find there’s so much more to discover, and that’s where the real magic happens.
If you’re tired of texting games and fairy tale expectations, it’s time for a fresh approach. Grab a copy of F the Fairy Tale: Rewrite the Dating Myths and Live Your Own Love Story and learn how to create a real connection, without the burnout.
Get the book on Amazon and start writing your own love story today.
5 Steps to Start Dating Again After a Breakup
Getting back into the dating game after a breakup, divorce, or just a long pause can feel like learning to walk in heels again—awkward, unsteady, and honestly, a little terrifying. It’s natural to wonder: What if it’s different now? What if it’s too soon?
It is different now. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible.
Whether it’s in the late 20s, 30s, or 40s, stepping back into dating isn’t about chasing some perfect outcome. It’s about reconnecting with what matters and creating space for something new. It doesn’t have to drain energy or self-worth.
Here’s how to ease back in without burning out:
1. Give Yourself Permission to Start Slow
There’s no need to rush. Sometimes, a soft launch back into the dating world is exactly what’s needed. That might look like updating a profile and then ignoring the apps for a week. Or just having a conversation with someone new—no pressure attached.
Check in regularly. Is there curiosity, or does it still feel like too much? That answer will guide the pace, and that pace is perfect.
Starting slow isn’t about hesitation; it’s about self-awareness. If the nervous system still feels frazzled at the idea of swiping, that’s a sign to go easy. Dip a toe in, observe how it feels, and step back out if necessary. Intentional dating is sustainable dating.
2. Get Clear on Boundaries and Needs
This time, dating isn’t happening on autopilot. It’s about intention.
Consider: What is available now? What is no longer acceptable? Whether it’s connection, companionship, or something more serious, clarity is everything.
Write down non-negotiables. Keep them accessible as reminders. These aren’t walls; they’re guardrails. They help maintain alignment with values, even when chemistry is strong.
If a reminder is needed: Boundaries are bridges to authentic connection, not barriers to love.
3. Try Just One New Way to Meet People
There’s no need to sign up for every app, agree to every setup, or spend Saturdays speed dating unless that’s genuinely exciting. Choose one way to dip a toe back in.
Maybe it’s attending a local mixer, trying a single dating app, or saying yes to that invite from a social circle. The goal here is simple: show up. Not to impress—just to connect.
No pressure. No performance. Just presence.
4. Watch the Inner Dialogue—Before and After Dates
This one’s big because the way thoughts are framed shapes the entire experience.
If thoughts like “It’s too late for this” or “No one decent is out there” pop up, it’s time to pause and reframe. Try: “Showing up fully.” Or “Every interaction teaches something new.”
Inner dialogue can either fuel energy or drain it. Choose wisely.
5. Celebrate the Small Wins
Not every date will lead to butterflies or a second meeting, and that’s perfectly fine. Progress isn’t always flashy. Sometimes, it looks like:
These are wins. Celebrate them. Progress in dating, like in anything else, is built one small, courageous act at a time.
Final Thought: Start Where You Are
Dating again isn’t about being ready in some mythical, fully healed way. It’s about being willing—willing to try, to learn, to stay curious.
There’s no need to be fearless. Just be present.
Take a deep breath. Set the pace. Keep boundaries firm. Speak with kindness internally. And celebrate every single step taken back toward love.
Because it’s not starting over—it’s starting from experience.
Ready to step back into dating with confidence?
Start with a profile that truly reflects you. Our Profile Starter Kit gives you plug‑and‑play templates, storytelling prompts, and a bonus photo‑selection video so your profile feels real, energetic, and aligned with who you are now.
Get the Profile Starter Kit and make your next swipe a match on your terms.
How to Avoid Love-Bombing Heartbreak
What is Love-Bombing?
Love-bombing is when someone overwhelms you with excessive attention, flattery, and gifts in the early stages of dating. They text constantly, want to see you all the time, and make grand declarations that feel like you’ve stepped into a rom-com. But like any good movie, it’s scripted, and the ending is rarely a happy one.
At its core, Love-Bombing is about control. It’s designed to create dependency by making you feel like you’ve found “the one” almost instantly. But real love is built over time; it’s a slow burn, not a flash in the pan. If the connection feels too good to be true right out of the gate, it might be.
Why Does It Feel So Good at First?
The initial rush of a love bomber’s attention is intoxicating. The constant texts, surprise gifts, and over-the-top compliments tap right into our brain’s reward system. That’s because all that attention floods your system with dopamine, making you feel euphoric. It’s like a fireworks display, brilliant, intense, and impossible to ignore.
But here’s the catch: fireworks fade, and so does the intensity of Love-Bombing. Once the emotional hook is set, love bombers often start to pull back, leaving you confused and craving that initial high. It’s emotional whiplash, and it’s designed to keep you chasing that first rush.
Neurologically, love-bombing hits like a new crush on steroids. All that attention floods your brain with dopamine—the “feel good” chemical—and oxytocin, the one that makes you want to bond fast. That combo lights up your brain’s reward center like a pinball machine. It feels amazing… and addictive. But just like any high, what goes up usually comes crashing down.
How to Spot Love-Bombing Early
To protect yourself from Love-Bombing, you have to know what to look for. Here are some major signs:
If you notice these patterns, it’s time to slow things down. True connection takes time to grow, and anyone worth building with will respect your pace.
How to Protect Yourself
The Bottom Line
Love-bombing might feel like a fireworks show—dazzling at first, but over in a flash.
If you’ve been a victim of love-bombing, it’s not your fault! Most people who do this are masters of manipulation and have done it so many times they’re completely cut off from the emotional consequences that you’re suffering through.
While we cannot change someone else’s behavior, we can do our best to protect ourselves, communicate clearly, and spot the signs of love-bombing before they break our hearts. True love is possible for you if you believe you deserve someone who shows up for you fully and you’re patient enough to let it unfold.
Still wondering how to spot love-bombing early?
In the Dates & Mates podcast episode “2025 Love Astrology & Lovebombing Bombshell,” we answer a listener’s question about what to do when someone showers you with affection on a dating app… only to vanish. We break down the signs, explain why it happened, and share real strategies to stay open without getting played.
Listen now and learn how to protect your heart and your hope.