Okay y’all know my goal here is to help you find love and happiness in the relationship style you desire because with love comes trust, companionship, support and so much more.
But one thing that evades many of us is the fact that all of this starts with us, our habits, our outlook in life, our choice to be present in love regardless of our relationship status.
And so I have positive psychology expert, author and television personality Rob Mack here to share his lessons and inspirations for how to Love from the Inside Out.
DATING DISH (1:55)
Why is being “too nice” such a turn off?
Y’know, I think we can agree that everyone deserves to date a nice guy/gal. But have you ever met someone so nice that it becomes a turnoff? Our friends at PopSugar were wondering the same thing.
According to a recent study in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, how altruistic someone is has a huge effect on how attractive they are. More specifically, those who behave moderately altruistic are rated as MORE attractive vs those that behave highly altruistically.
Although we all have our opinions on how it feels to be “too nice,” there is definitely a line between being too nice and love bombing. Damona breaks it all down.
PLUS Damona shares her story of “Operation Date Nice Guys” & how nice guys can get the girl using the Nice Guy 9.
ROB MACK (12:15)
Rob Mack is an Ivy League-Educated Positive Psychology Expert, Inspirational Speaker, and Published Author. His work is endorsed by Oprah, Vanessa Williams, Lisa Nichols, and many others.
His most recent book release, Love from the Inside Out, is a best-seller following its release in March 2022.
(13:09) Have you found love from the inside out?
One of the major hallmarks in Rob’s book is learning how to find love from the inside out by practicing the presence of love. According to Rob, love is synonymous with happiness – more specifically, love is your happiness shared.
He continues that practicing self love, or the presence of love, is key to improving our relationships. How do we do this? Rob gives us the scoop.
(18:34) The Age of Distraction
I think we can all agree that we live in the ultimate age of distraction, right? With all the options available on Netflix alone, it’s impossible not to get overwhelmed with the amount of choices we have.
Rob agrees that it’s becoming harder and harder to enjoy anything nowadays because it’s becoming more impossible to be present. This causes us to seek out more relationships, and more material objects and more of everything, mostly because we’re not present with the people and the things that are in our lives.
So how does this factor into our dating lives? Rob spells out his tips for best practices on dating apps & how to combat the effects of distraction.
(26:10) Our texting mindsets are out of sync.
Damona mentions a piece of advice she heard from Nick Viall about texting – “people read your texts in the mindset that they’re in, not in the mindset that you sent them.” You’ve heard Damona say time and again how without tonal cues or body language, so much gets lost in translation while texting.
On top of this, Rob adds that we all have cognitive biases and distortions that factor into how you send or read a message (i.e. distortions like confirmation bias or the Halo effect).
Given that our biases are kind of unavoidable, is there a way we can bridge this gap in texting communication? Rob says that developing emotional regulation is essential, and explains why.
(33:45) It’s an extraordinary life if you don’t overthink it.
Since he ties love and practicing self love so closely to happiness, Rob states that we should be slowing down and finding more joy in the day-to-day moments. One way to do this is to practice emotional regulation – i.e. learning how to just chill out for the sake of chilling out, and enjoying it.
Secondly, identify the specific things or activities that allow you to feel inspired, relaxed, happy, joyful or just peaceful. One of Rob’s biggest examples is music, since “music is one of the fastest ways to shift your emotion. And your mood is a state that exists out there in the world. So just listen to some music, and notice how quickly your mood shifts according to the kind of music you’re listening to.”
If we continue to take the time to improve our inner world, as Rob has shown us, your dating life is bound to follow.
(40:35) Loneliness, aloneness, & all oneness.
In Rob’s book “Love from the Inside Out,” there is a chapter titled “loneliness, aloneness, & all oneness.” Rob notes that we tend to think of these words as synonyms, as describing the same experience. But there is actually quite a difference.
Rob defines aloneness as being the objective experience of being by yourself. On the other hand, loneliness is the subjective experience of that feeling (how you feel about that aloneness). Because you can be alone all by yourself, and not be lonely.
So why is it important to make this distinction? Rob expresses, “I want people to recognize that they have a lot more power and control with respect to feeling good and feeling loved, and more control in feeling loved and feeling happy than they might be giving themselves credit for.”
Damona also revisits her own history and experiences with loneliness.
If you liked this interview, you can follow Rob on Instagram @RobMackOfficial.
And be sure to grab your copy of Love from the Inside Out by visiting CoachRobMack.com/books.
DEAR DAMONA (47:10)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
- Email from Kristen – Hi Damona! I have an entire notebook dedicated to your advice. Thank you for all that you do! I am a 39 year old woman and I was in a 3.5 year relationship with a 50 year old man. We were exclusive but more casual for the first 2.5 years, which we both wanted. I then had some big changes in my life that made me realize I wanted more commitment and security and spoke with him about it. He agreed that he wanted more too. It was okay for a little bit, but never quite enough for me. I explicitly gave him examples of what I needed, and he never followed through with the behaviors/actions I told him I needed. I brought it up to him and he promised he would do better. Mind you, the number one thing I said I needed was for him to ask me how I’m doing that day and truly listen to my response – nothing wild! About a year ago, I decided that I had had enough and he wasn’t going to change, so I broke up with him. A few months later he reached out and we tried again, but it was very short lived. Here we are a year later, and he is beating down my door and promising to be who I want and need. I’ve dated in the meantime and I still can’t stop thinking about him and what we could have. Please help!
Dating Dance Cards & Catch a Catfish
It’s officially cuffing season folks! The days are shorter and colder, and many of us are feeling that urge to spend more time cozying up in a warm place. And we may want to cozy up with a partner. So that’s exactly what cuffing season is. It’s a reference to being handcuffed or tied to one partner up before your imagination goes wild. It’s not the kinky kind. It’s just the partnership kind.
That’s why we have MTV’s Catfish co-host and host of the podcast Relationsh*t, Kamie Crawford, joining us today. She’ll be bringing you up to speed on all things dating, from the apps to catfishing and beyond, so that we can get YOU cuffed.
ROMANCE ROLLBACK (2:40)
We’re bringing back a classic Dates & Mates segment: Romance Rollback!
If you’re new to this segment, Damona will be taking a classic romance, dating, courtship, or relationship tradition that you may or may not have heard of – we’ll tell you what it is, how it worked and what we can apply from the customs of yesteryear to today’s dating and relationship scene.
Dance cards: A classic ballroom custom
Have you ever heard the phrase “my dance card is full”? This is in reference to the 1830s ballroom tradition. Basically, a dance card was a card that was provided at large balls with a list of chosen dances for the evening & a blank space beside each dance. Ladies each had a card and when a gentleman asked her to dance, he would write his name in the space for a particular agreed upon dance.
Damona dives into how dance cards came into fashion, lists off some other ballroom etiquette of the time and breaks down the modern love lessons we can learn from them.
KAMIE CRAWFORD (14:00)
Kamie Crawford is a television host, podcast host and model. She co-hosts the MTV hit series, Catfish, and hosts the amazing podcast Relationsh*t, an advice podcast that covers all relationship topics – the good, the bad and the straight up sh*tty.
**Want to hear some Valentine’s Day do’s & don’ts? It may seem a ways out, but is it ever to early to prepare? Check out Damona on the Relationsh*t podcast with Kamie Crawford here!
(14:50) Friends can catfish too??
Having been co-hosting MTV’s Catfish since 2019, it makes sense that Kamie would have some firsthand experience with catfishing. But what surprised Damona is that it wasn’t a potential match that was misleading her – it was her close friend and roommate! According to Kamie, her friend had faked an engagement, posted about a fiancé that didn’t exist, and posed as traveling to a bunch of different countries.
Moral of the story: You can even be catfished by people that you know in real life, so don’t blame yourself if you couldn’t see it beforehand.
Kamie also gives us the scoop on how she researches potential matches before meeting them IRL (hint: Google is your friend).
(20:47) Dating profile red flags
Kamie and Damona discuss the bizarre pictures they’ve both seen on dating profiles. Remember that you should be the star of your dating profile, because whoever matches with you is going to be dating YOU – not your dog, not your group of best friends, not your friend’s baby. So make sure that your pictures are always showcasing parts of your personality.
(29:00) What is the Texting Trap?
It’s one thing to have really great texting banter with someone, but it’s another thing if you never actually meet in person. This is what Damona calls the “Texting Trap” – when you and your match are endlessly messaging back and forth but never actually make plans to talk on the phone, Zoom, or meet in person.
Damona and Kamie talk about the importance of in-person chemistry, and how “90% of your dating problems are going to be solved if you do a phone call or a quick video chat before you meet.”
Be sure to follow Kamie on Instagram @KamieCrawford and listen to the Relationsh*t Podcast wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.
DEAR DAMONA (35:35)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
IG Message from Renee – Hi Damona! I am a young widow – it’s been almost two years since my husband passed away (we were married for 13 years). Although I’m on instagram and etcetera, I am 100% new to dating apps and have been extremely reluctant to join one. However, I’m very restless at this point (not to mention horny) and have finally decided maybe I should try one (or two or three). I think I just need to date and not take it so seriously (as in looking for a hubby) since I’m sure I still am working through the loss in my own way. Do you have any tips for someone in my situation?
Building Trust & New Partner Nerves
Relationships are trial and error, a learning curve, a journey. Each date brings new experiences and a little (or maybe a lot) more self-awareness. You start to develop a sense of your needs and wants, establish your boundaries, and navigate towards a partner that shares your goals and values.
But the story doesn’t end once you find your partner. In fact, it’s always being written.
That’s the joy in love AND the reason Dr. Pia Holec, one of the experts from Married At First Sight, will be joining us today. She will be sharing tips on how to expand trust and build intimacy with a partner for a healthier, more satisfying relationship.
DATING DISH (1:52)
Toxic forgiveness – is it really possible to forgive and forget?:
Have y’all ever heard of Red Table Talk, the talk show led by Jada Pinkett Smith & her daughter Willow? During a recent episode, Jada and Willow had Will’s ex-wife, Cherie, on the show to clear the air about some things that rubbed each other the wrong way from way back (and to potentially forgive & forget). They did this all with the help of relationship expert Nedra Glover Tawwab, but you might know her from Instagram.
In her new book, Nedra coined the term “toxic forgiveness.” So our friends at PopSugar asked, what exactly is toxic forgiveness? According to Nedra, it is the unhealthy way we pretend to be “over it” in an effort to move on quicker.
Damona goes over why we feel in such a hurry to forgive when we’re not ready, and poses a thoughtful question – who is our forgiveness really for?
DR. PIA HOLEC (8:20)
Dr. Pia Holec is a psychologist, sex therapist, relationship guru and speaker. And to top it all off, she was an expert this year on the 15th Season of Lifetime’s “Married at First Sight.”
(9:22) The relationships of Married At First Sight.
Being in a relationship is one thing, but starting a relationship through a reality show is a completely different ball game. Besides the relationships on MAFS undergoing an extremely accelerated process, Dr. Pia also has to ask her clients on the show – what are you willing to do in order to make this work?
Plus, Dr. Pia gives us the 4 biggest factors that are affecting relationships and the way we communicate today.
(13:04) Being prepared for a relationship.
Damona believes that you have to prepare for the relationship that you want to have, and Dr. Pia says that being single (or living in your “single season”) is the perfect time to prepare. “Your single season is the time to work on yourself, so that you can be a fully formed adult when entering into a relationship… Conflict arises and issues come up when you’re expecting your partner to complete you, or help you figure out what you want and what you need.”
Dr. Pia also shares the kinds of questions you should ask yourself to be relationship-ready.
(15:38) Defining trust.
Sometimes the biggest hurdle we have to jump when dating is learning to trust someone. Damona defines trust as “when you see that someone’s words match their actions consistently over time.” Dr. Pia continues that trust is usually what we equate with safety.
She adds that when it comes to trust, “your feelings are real… they’re not always based in facts, though.” Dr. Pia helps her clients and couples on MAFS cultivate trust by grounding themselves in the present moment. This way, they are able to take a pause on their emotions and focus solely on the facts of a situation.
Dr. Pia describes the power in naming our own trauma (and how to do it).
(21:00) Is your therapist third-wheeling?
We LOVE that everyone is so open about going to therapy these days (according to the stats at Hinge & OkCupid, people are actually more likely to swipe right if you go therapy). But for those who are not as comfortable sharing our mental health journey on our dating profile, Damona asks Dr. Pia for some advice on bringing up this topic with new matches.
Dr Pia says: Just put it out there in the open. Acknowledging that you go to therapy won’t feel awkward if we don’t let it feel awkward, right? It’s a beautiful thing to be in touch with your emotions… And if that person judges you for bringing up mental health early on in dating, then chances are they’re not your person!
(26:55) Is it love bombing, or are they just being honest?
If you haven’t heard, love bombing happens when someone showers you with attention or affection to gain your trust, in order to manipulate or control you. It sounds scary, but it’s very easy to stop love bombing in its tracks if you know what to look out for.
Our gut and intuition will almost always tell us what’s up. But if you’d like more proof that your spidey senses are correct, try asking yourself these questions:
❓Are they only saying nice things?
❓Are they trying to isolate you from your family?
❓Do they use phrasing like you were meant for each other or belong together?
❓Do you feel a sense of safety with this person?
❓How do I feel with this person? Then ask – how do I feel when I’m NOT with this person?
Check out Married At First Sight on Lifetime and follow Dr. Pia on Instagram @SexDrPia for more of her amazing advice.
DEAR DAMONA (35:35)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Email from Emily – I had breast cancer and a lumpectomy in 2020. I wasn’t dating actively before my diagnosis, but this year I decided to start actively looking. I have been on the dating apps and talking to people. When do I tell the person I am getting to know about my cancer? I have scars on my body I can’t hide if I choose to be intimate. I also have side effects from my radiation. Nobody talks about life and dating after cancer treatment. How does a 48 yr old never married, no kids kinda woman navigate the dating world?
Halloween Dating Horror & Crimes of the Heart
This week’s episode of Dates & Mates is gonna get a little spookier than usual… because it’s almost Halloween!
This is one of our favorite times of the year here at Dates & Mates, because we all get to dress up, get creative and find a sense of play.
Give yourself permission to get a little weird this year. It’s okay. In fact, it’s often something people are attracted to, both platonically and romantically.
If you prefer to stay in, try making some spooky cookies and listening to a Halloween themed playlist. But if you want to get out and get dressed up with a friend, then we’ve got some of the TOP costumes for couples coming up!
Then actress, singer-songwriter, and host of the podcast, Crimes of the Heart, Rory Uphold will be joining us to share her dating horror stories and the lessons she’s learned from them.
DATING DISH (2:45)
Costumes ideas that are cute, but not the nauseating kind of cute:
Damona gives us her fav suggestions on this year’s top Halloween costumes.
Hot tip: Damona notes that costume pics work GREAT in dating profiles. They show your sensibility, your sense of humor, what cultural references you lean towards, and that you don’t take yourself too seriously.
**If this Halloween tip piqued your interest, you’ll be amazed at what else Damona has to share about your dating profile in the FREE Profile Starter Kit. Click here to check it out.
DATING HORROR STORIES FT. RORY UPHOLD (12:05)
Rory Uphold is the host of Crimes of the Heart, a podcast where singles and couples share their most tragic and embarrassing love, dating and sex stories. She is also an actress and a singer-songwriter.
(12:05) The parallels between love & horror
Rory shared how she happened upon hosting a crime/horror podcast about love (and how the two feelings are more alike than you may think).
Plus, Roy and Damona discuss what defines a “dating horror story.” Because sometimes the scariest thing of all is waking up next to someone you DEFINITELY regret gettin’ it on with.
(15:55) YOUR Dating Horror Stories
Damona and Rory dive into some frightful dating stories submitted by five Dates & Mates listeners, then give their thoughts on what went wrong. These tales include:
🎃A weirdly ambiguous accent… (16:47)
🎃A chin-to-forehead tongue kiss… (27:00)
🎃A man on all fours… (34:05)
🎃Kissing a waiter on the lips… (36:00)
🎃Fire-throwing in a park… (40:10)
Be sure to follow Rory on Instagram @ICouldBeBlonder and check out her podcast, Crimes of the Heart, wherever you listen to Dates & Mates.
DEAR DAMONA
There is no Dear Damona segment this week. But you can submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook to hear Damona’s answers live on a future show. 👏
LA Times: Avoiding the Texting Trap
Whether you’re flirting with a new match or cooking up a 4th date with another, how we communicate our intentions while texting is incredibly important. And with the evolution of dating technology, texting has now become a VITAL step in the dating process. So it’s important that we keep our intentions clear and eliminate any room for misinterpretation. Damona notes this is why emojis are so important – they act as “mood modifiers” while texting.
But the only thing more important than avoiding miscommunications is avoiding the texting trap. What is the texting trap, you ask? Damona spells it all out in this LA Times article.
Non-Negotiables & LDR Lessons
On past Dates & Mates episodes, Damona has talked about the ways our childhood experiences shape our relationship habits in adulthood, for the good and… the not so good. But we have to remember that our past doesn’t dictate our future, and we can reclaim our power by acting upon that.
Like Damona said in her chat with Nora McInerny last week, we are always writing our stories. And as Nora said, “In 10 years, you are going to look at the version of you presently and be like, ‘you had no idea. You had no idea how young you were. You had no idea what was possible for you, what was ahead of you.’”
Life is a journey and we are always learning and growing. So remember to keep doing those journals, chatting with your therapist and taking the time to be introspective. That is how I define self-care. As you come to understand yourself better, you will understand your relationships better, your needs and wants better, and how establishing and keeping to your boundaries will help you design the life you are destined for.
And that’s why I have friend and fellow love coach, Orna Walters, on the show today. For those who don’t know, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and she is going to share her personal story, some signs to look out for, and how to prepare yourself for a happy, healthy partnership.
DATING DISH (2:38)
Do long-distance relationships have the most potential?
A recent article from the John Hopkins newsletter dives into how “the challenges of a long-distance relationship are what cause it to have the most success.” Damona gives her two cents, and some definitive strategies on how to make the most out of your distance.
The article also mentions how technology has helped close both the distance and communication gap when dating someone in another location. From dating apps, to Zoom, to apps that allow you to play games or watch TV shows together.
But – in order for technology to work in your favor, you also have to be maximizing your chances with the algorithms. Damona’s FREE Profile Starter Kit is a great place to begin.
ORNA WALTERS (14:45)
Orna Walters is a domestic violence survivor turned love coach and is a featured guest expert on Bravo’s “The Millionaire Matchmaker.” She uses her experiences to educate people on healthy relationships, openness and authenticity.
She’s a dear friend of the show and a fabulous dating coach, along with her amazing husband Matthew. This time Orna is back on Dates & Mates solo to share her personal story and wisdom.
(15:40) Taking on someone else’s behavior.
On New Year’s Eve of 1994, Orna’s relationship with her partner at the time took a violent turn that would change everything. The lessons she learned from this relationship now contribute to her expertise in teaching individuals how to take their power back. As Orna says, “no person should take on the shame of another person’s actions.”
(19:44) Signs of a potentially violent partner.
Orna says that with her former partner, she couldn’t spot any specific signs that he might be violent. But there is one thing she is absolutely clear of – when wanting to get out of a toxic relationship, Orna implores that you cut off ALL contact. And if communication is necessary, ask someone to be a mediator between the two of you.
Orna also shares what it is that keeps us stuck in a toxic or abusive relationship. Hint: “We get addicted to the apology…”
(26:48) Orna & Matthew, sitting in a tree…
Having been in a relationship with her husband Matthew for 11 years, Orna now spreads the message that it IS POSSIBLE to unlearn your relationship patterns. “The truth is we’re attracted to what is familiar to us… and when I realized I had repeated the same situation [I experienced as a little girl], I knew I had to leave.”
She continues that on a basic level, we are all fighting for love on our own terms. And because of this, it’s crucial that we take the time to know what those terms actually are.
(32:35) What does a healthy relationship look like?
After Damona asks Orna for her thoughts on healthy relationships, Orna brings our focus over to the body. She says that our emotions are technically bodily sensations. And because it’s really important for us to be able to communicate our feelings to our partner, we have to be in touch with our bodies as well.
Try this: Set 6 or 7 alarms throughout the day. Whenever an alarm goes off, check in with your body and name the emotion you are currently experiencing. And if you can, try and define the thought that is causing the feeling in your body.
Be sure to follow Orna and her husband Matthew Walters (a fellow love coach) on Instagram at @OrnaAndMatthew.
And check out their website 7StepsToSoulmating.com for more info.
**If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please do not hesitate. Call the domestic abuse hotline at (800)799-7233.
DEAR DAMONA (39:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Retro Dating & Bad Vibes Only
I don’t have to tell you that sometimes life doesn’t go according to plan. So, while planning ahead is helpful, it’s important to leave a little room for things to go sideways. Even still, the question remains – how do you deal with days, weeks, months when life feels like it’s headed off course?
Today, Damona will unpack those questions and more with Nora McInerny, host of the “Terrible, Thanks For Asking” podcast. They’ll discuss how Nora carried on after losing the love of her life, how she opened herself back up to love, and how every experience in between led her to exactly where she is today.
DATING DISH (1:55)
Dating is broken – but could going retro fix it?
A recent New York Times article has been causing a STIR in the dating community (Damona was sent this article by 3 different people!). If you haven’t read this op-ed piece already, the author writes that “going retro” – i.e. returning to matchmaking – could be our salvation from dating burnout, ghosting, and swipe fatigue.
The article notes 4 positive effects that matchmaking could have on dating culture:
In light of the obstacles of our current dating culture, it seems like a reasonable solution to return to the dating practices used before the prevalence of online dating and hookup culture. But let’s not outcast dating apps altogether – because a huge part of what the apps give us is agency in our own dating lives. They are but another avenue for us to clarify what we want in a partner and to learn more about ourselves in the process. Damona also gives her tips on what we can do to elevate our own “behavioral accountability” and avoid dating burnout…
**P.S. Interested in exploring matchmaking? Damona currently has a partnership with the company Three Day Rule, which has headquarters in multiple cities. Go to threedayrule.com/damonahoffman to get started, or listen to Damona’s interview with Three Day Rule matchmaker Devyn Simone to learn more.
NORA MCINERNY (9:33)
Nora McInerny is the host of the award winning podcast “Terrible, Thanks For Asking.” She has contributed to publications like The New York Times, Time, Slate, and Vox. Nora is also the author of two bestselling memoirs – and her new book “Bad Vibes Only: And Other Things I Bring To The Table” is out today!
**Want to learn more about Nora before listening? Check out Damona’s 2021 interview with Nora about her previous book – “The Hot Young Widows Club.”
(11:15) The beginning of something healing.
Nora’s love story begins with her first marriage to her husband Aaron, who passed away after being diagnosed with brain cancer – “We’d been dating for a year, and we got married a month after his brain surgery. We had a baby 13 months later. And then our third wedding anniversary was his funeral. So that’s my first marriage right there.”
Her process of stepping into love again was more like falling, as she describes it. “I was not interested in meeting someone. You know, I wasn’t interested in falling in love with somebody. I was interested in possibly having sex with a person… They could fall in love with me if they wanted to, but I wouldn’t love them back. And when it started to develop into something else, I felt horrible. I felt horrible for having any kind of happiness at all, it was the most excruciating time and it was also, I think, the beginning of something like healing.”
Loving Aaron, and then falling into love with her current partner Matthew, taught Nora that we are not cursed by whatever past experiences we carry – sometimes those experiences can just be information.
(21:50) We’re always choosing.
We all hold different versions of ourselves in our heads – our rom-com self, our weekend-with-the-parents self, or relationship self. But in her book Nora mentions a caveat to the selves we carry with us – “The future ahead of me is not boundless, and never was. Every choice I made eliminated other versions of myself.”
Nora gives the Dates & Mates audience insight on how we can empower ourselves to make the hard (but healthy) choices in our lives, even if it involves eliminating possible future versions of ourselves.
(28:37) Sometimes the fairytale isn’t your happy ending.
Nora describes her relationship with her current husband Matthew as being unique in its own way. Firstly because they went through the experience of blending families. And secondly because they were never really single together – “you know, in that classic sense where you find someone, you date them, and you can go spend weekends away or take a spontaneous road trip. We met each other, and we came with kids. Like, we came with established lives. And so we had to fit those together in a way that made sense.”
Nora notes that her relationship with her first husband Aaron felt as close to a fairytale as you could get. But sometimes, the fairytale isn’t your happy ending or final destination. “[My relationship with Matthew] is very different. It is not a fairy tale. And thank God, honestly. Because if I thought that my happy ending happened when I was 30… It’s like, where do you go from there?”
Be sure to follow Nora on IG @Noraborealis and pick yourself up a copy of her newest book, “Bad Vibes Only: And Other Things I Bring To The Table.”
DEAR DAMONA (39:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Date Lab: His Southern accent threw her off at first
Mariana, 23, and Sam, 25, both arrived to their date a little sweaty. Sam, a recent transplant from Savannah, Ga., who rides his bike everywhere in D.C., came to the date on two wheels, while Mariana arrived on two feet to the Royal in Shaw. But it was Mariana who was the most self-conscious and kept apologizing for her perspiration when they awkwardly sidled up to one another to be photographed.
There was something familiar to Sam about Mariana, but as soon as he opened his mouth to speak, Mariana became skeptical of the match.
Did Mariana warm up to the match? Read the full article to find out…
Drew’s Love Bug: Dating Makeover
Damona’s back for another episode of The Drew Barrymore show – and not only that, she’s giving an amazing dating makeover to single mom Marianne to help her get her groove back after divorce.
Marianne had dated on apps and dealt with many a disappointing date that zapped her energy. Damona pulled from bag of dating tricks and made changes based on advice she gives to actual clients when building their dating profile. And with a few tweaks to her look, Marianne says she felt transformed from the outside in!
Here’s what Damona did:
But not only did Marianne get a full dating makeover, Drew also set her up with three amazing bachelors for a date on the spot!
See what happens HERE!
Green Flags & Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday
Choosing a partner is the most important decision you’ll ever make. It affects your finances, your family, your mental health and your future. But remember that your dating journey is just as important as your relationship destination.
It’s a myth to think any relationship is ever a waste of time. These experiences can be the greatest source of information when it comes to better understanding ourselves and the relationships that best fit our lives.
And that’s why we have Nick Viall, author and host of The Viall Files podcast, here to discuss his new book “Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday” and help you navigate the ups and downs of the dating process, so you’ll leave this episode feeling more empowered in dating.
DATING DISH (2:05)
Can work stress make you more critical in your relationships?
Have you ever come home from a stressful day at work, only to find yourself completely annoyed that your partner didn’t throw away that empty chip bag on the couch? That’s why the Society for Personality and Social Psychology published a new study diving into how work stress can affect our relationships. Researchers looked at couples and had them fill out a questionnaire that asked them about the stressful situations in their lives.
The results? Turns out that participants who reported experiencing more stressful life events outside of their relationship, were especially likely to notice their partner’s negative behaviors.
But if you aren’t in a relationship, Damona also believes that work stress could be making singles more critical of their dating lives, and causing them to show up on dates already looking for negative behaviors. Remember that where our attention goes, the energy flows. So on your next date, see what happens if you more consciously refrain from scanning for negative behaviors and look for those green flags instead.
NICK VIALL (7:30)
You may know Nick from his starring role on the 21st season of ABC’s The Bachelor. Nick is also the host of the podcast The Viall Files, which explores all things dating and love – from post-breakup healing, to salacious texts in their three weekly episodes.
And his book “Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday: And Other Advice on Love, Sex, and Dating” is out TODAY!
(11:00) Bad texting doesn’t always mean bad communication.
Although there’s no arguing that dating apps have totally changed the landscape of dating, Damona believes that texting has actually been the biggest shift in dating culture (given that texting is now a whole separate stage of the courtship process). And the biggest challenge with this is interpreting someone else’s tone. Nick notes that regardless of our intention when sending a text, the other person will always read the tone to match whatever mood or feelings they are in – if they are feeling defensive they will read your text defensively, or if they are feeling guarded they will read the message in a more guarded tone.
Because of this communication gap, Nick suggests avoiding having ongoing conversations with new matches over text. Take advantage of tools like Zoom, where you can clearly read someone’s facial expressions and hear their tone.
Nick also gives us some crucial tips for sliding into someone’s DM’s, and how to avoid looking like a catfish.
(21:30) The player vs the f**kboy
Two famous archetypes on a similar mission – but what really is the difference between a player and a f**kboy? One might say that they’re the same thing and f**kboy just replaced the term player in the last decade. But the two definitely have their differences.
According to Nick, a f**kboy is someone who is well intentioned. They want to have a relationship in theory, but don’t want to check their own behavior and do what it really takes or make the sacrifices required to be in a relationship. “Women, men – we all can become f**kboys. Because f**kboys happen when we’re not communicating our expectations and boundaries, and we make assumptions. The other person is having sex with us, but not really prioritizing our feelings. And then all of a sudden, we have a f**kboy situation.” Weirdly enough, your f**kboy could be someone else’s future partner.
On the other hand, players are the people who actually have alternative motives. They truly don’t want a relationship, they just want to have sex. They tend to manipulate and lead others on, and will go out of their way to make you feel special so they can hopefully hook up with you with no attachments. They’re playing the game (hence the name “player”).
(27:50) Get yourself unstuck.
Nick had one central message when writing his new book “Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday” – that we have more control in our love lives than we want to give ourselves credit for. Nick shares that he has always remembered feeling very stuck in a relationship. He says that he would obsess over small details or moments and the potential for rejection. “I chose to make her choices a representation of my self worth. And I allowed her choices to validate my self worth.”
Nick encourages readers to avoid making any kind of rejection about you. “Rejection sucks. It’s not fun. But if we reframe rejection as clarity to give us the answers, to allow us to have more freedom, to empower us to make our own choices, then it can just change things a little bit more.”
Be sure to grab yourselves a copy of “Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday” today!
You can learn more about The Viall Files podcast on their website, and follow Nick Viall and The Viall Files on IG for more hot tips.
DEAR DAMONA (39:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Indian Matchmaking & The Emoji Report
There are a lot of ways to meet your match, from IRL encounters to dating apps to blind dates set up by friends & family. But there is another way that’s often forgotten – arranged marriages!
And now, this cultural practice has been brought back into the spotlight by the amazing Netflix reality TV show, Indian Matchmaking. The show highlights the journey of Matchmaker Sima Taparia as she guides clients in the US and India in a matchmaking process that applies centuries old customs to modern Indian and Indian-American daters.
If you’re like me, when you watch these shows you get curious about what really happens behind the scenes and what was going through the mind of your favorite participants on the show as it unfolded. So today, one of the breakout stars of the show, Nadia Jagessar, is here to discuss her experience of Indian Matchmaking, her current relationship status, and what she learned from participating in the show.
DATING DISH (3:08)
A deep dive into your emoji usage:
If you haven’t had a chance to read Adobe’s 2022 Emoji Trend Report, Damona breaks it down. Adobe conducted a national survey to explore “when, why and how Americans are using emoji to advance self-expression and communication.” And the results gave some VERY interesting stats, particularly for the future of dating.
Did you know that 50% of U.S. emoji users are more likely to respond to a message if it contains an emoji? And that a majority (88%) of emoji users are more likely to feel empathetic toward someone if they use an emoji? Given that Damona is both a fan of using emojis as “mood modifiers” and a fan of empathetic dating, I’d say we’re sold on Team Emoji.
Damona also breaks down Adobe’s “make-it or break-it” emojis when it comes to dating.
NADIA JAGESSAR (10:05)
You probably know Nadia from the hit show Indian Matchmaking Seasons 1 and 2 where she was matched with Vinay, Shekar and Vishal. Nadia is also the Founder & Senior Event Consultant for Euphoria Events. And she is giving her second TEDx Talk at this year’s “Dare To Be Different” event.
(11:15) Saying yes to Indian Matchmaking…
Given that her parents had undergone an arranged marriage, it makes sense that Nadia took the plunge into exploring arranged marriage as well. But add reality television into the mix, and you’ve got a WHOLE other experience.
Nadia explains why she chose to work with Indian Matchmaking, what was stopping her from meeting someone before, and how her Indo-Caribbean background has played into her dating journey.
(16:40) Does matchmaking always pan out?
Have you ever had that small fear of running into your ex or someone you used to date? Like you’ll be out at a local take-out joint and bump into them as you’re leaving, or go to a party of a mutual friend and see them chatting with the host?
Well in Nadia’s case, some of the matches that Sima Aunty (the matchmaker on the show) found were closer to her inner circle than she expected (mutual friends and such). Nadia also shares how working with a matchmaker defied her expectations.
(19:10) What happened with Vinay??
Nadia gives us the deets on what ACTUALLY happened with Vinay, one of the matches she hit it off with in Season 1. Long story short, Vinay was supposed to meet Nadia at her best friend’s wedding after party and he never showed up! They eventually had a conversation in which Vinay said he just wanted to be friends, to which Nadia responded with some sage words of wisdom…
Nadia also dives deeper into her other close connection with Shekar.
(30:27) What’s in store post-Indian Matchmaking?
Nadia states that what she’s looking for in a partner hasn’t changed much since filming the show – someone who is ambitious, has their own passions or hobbies, who wants a family, who will push her or help her slow down. (Do you relate to any of these wants?)
Damona also mentions how easy it can be to get caught up in planning a life with a partner (especially if you are a planning personality or a LITERAL party planner). But we have to try our best to always bring ourselves back to the present in moments where we may ruminate on the past or project to the future.
Be sure to follow Nadia on IG @nadiajagessar, and her event planning page @euphoriaeventsnj for some major party-planning inspo.
DEAR DAMONA (39:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Excuse My Grandma & The Soft Launch
We all know dating has changed. We’ve got apps and reality shows and social media (oh my!). But talk to someone ahead of you generationally and the differences are pretty extreme – wayyy fewer options, way less pre-marital sex and way less dating burnout to name a few.
But while so much has changed, some things stay the same in dating and relationships. And that’s why we have Kim Murstein and Grandma Gail of the Excuse My Grandma podcast joining Damona to break down the differences in dating for different generations.
DATING DISH (1:38)
Here’s how (and why) you should soft launch your relationship on IG:
We’re learning some new vocab today – have you ever heard of “soft launching” your relationship? According to our friends at Cosmopolitan Magazine, soft launching is casually introducing a relationship online without actually introducing it. Usually this introduction is made by posting ambiguous photos on your Instagram that imply the presence of a romantic connection. Some examples include two tickets for a show, dual cocktails on a bartop, or your hand casually holding someone else’s.
There are many reasons to soft launch your coupledom online, but Damona recommends considering these questions beforehand – Why is it that important for me to declare to the outside world that I am in a relationship? Is it that you want to send a message to someone that you’re off the market? Or is it that you want to celebrate love between you and somebody else?
KIM & GRANDMA GAIL (10:25)
Kim Murstein is a content creator and host of the Excuse My Grandma podcast with her grandmother Gail. Together they cover dating, relationships, and sex advice from two very different generational perspectives.
(12:40) Is dating better today than 50 years ago?
With two sage daters like Kim and Grandma Gail, we ask the inevitable question… is dating better today than 50 years ago? Even though she describes herself as an old soul, Kim is all for dating culture today because of the amount of autonomy you get while dating. And if dating apps aren’t your thing, you have total freedom to date exclusively offline.
Then, Grandma Gail shares her thoughts and advice around sex on the first date.
(20:45) Kim’s rules for texting and communication.
You may have heard Damona reference emojis as being “mood modifiers”. They can be helpful in communicating your tone to someone while texting. But Kim has some controversial thoughts on what emojis you should NEVER use.
(25:25) The dangers of online dating today.
With all the Tinder Swindlers and West Elm Calebs out there today, it’s no doubt that all this online access makes dating a little dicier than in the pre-dating app era. Grandma Gail takes us back to how you “screened” the people you were dating before the internet – “If we did meet in person, we had a reference! There would be no way you’d go out with somebody who somebody else didn’t know, it just wouldn’t happen.”
(29:00) Never Have I Ever…
Damona, Kim and Grandma Gail play the classic get-to-know-you game, Never Have I Ever. Damona hits us with some spicy questions, including – have you ever kissed someone on a first date? Have you ever done MORE than kiss on a first date? Or have you ever given out a fake phone number?
Be sure to follow them on Instagram and TikTok @ExcuseMyGrandma and learn more at ExcuseMyGrandma.com.
DEAR DAMONA (39:50)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week:
Positive Psychology & Too Nice
Okay y’all know my goal here is to help you find love and happiness in the relationship style you desire because with love comes trust, companionship, support and so much more.
But one thing that evades many of us is the fact that all of this starts with us, our habits, our outlook in life, our choice to be present in love regardless of our relationship status.
And so I have positive psychology expert, author and television personality Rob Mack here to share his lessons and inspirations for how to Love from the Inside Out.
DATING DISH (1:55)
Why is being “too nice” such a turn off?
Y’know, I think we can agree that everyone deserves to date a nice guy/gal. But have you ever met someone so nice that it becomes a turnoff? Our friends at PopSugar were wondering the same thing.
According to a recent study in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, how altruistic someone is has a huge effect on how attractive they are. More specifically, those who behave moderately altruistic are rated as MORE attractive vs those that behave highly altruistically.
Although we all have our opinions on how it feels to be “too nice,” there is definitely a line between being too nice and love bombing. Damona breaks it all down.
PLUS Damona shares her story of “Operation Date Nice Guys” & how nice guys can get the girl using the Nice Guy 9.
ROB MACK (12:15)
Rob Mack is an Ivy League-Educated Positive Psychology Expert, Inspirational Speaker, and Published Author. His work is endorsed by Oprah, Vanessa Williams, Lisa Nichols, and many others.
His most recent book release, Love from the Inside Out, is a best-seller following its release in March 2022.
(13:09) Have you found love from the inside out?
One of the major hallmarks in Rob’s book is learning how to find love from the inside out by practicing the presence of love. According to Rob, love is synonymous with happiness – more specifically, love is your happiness shared.
He continues that practicing self love, or the presence of love, is key to improving our relationships. How do we do this? Rob gives us the scoop.
(18:34) The Age of Distraction
I think we can all agree that we live in the ultimate age of distraction, right? With all the options available on Netflix alone, it’s impossible not to get overwhelmed with the amount of choices we have.
Rob agrees that it’s becoming harder and harder to enjoy anything nowadays because it’s becoming more impossible to be present. This causes us to seek out more relationships, and more material objects and more of everything, mostly because we’re not present with the people and the things that are in our lives.
So how does this factor into our dating lives? Rob spells out his tips for best practices on dating apps & how to combat the effects of distraction.
(26:10) Our texting mindsets are out of sync.
Damona mentions a piece of advice she heard from Nick Viall about texting – “people read your texts in the mindset that they’re in, not in the mindset that you sent them.” You’ve heard Damona say time and again how without tonal cues or body language, so much gets lost in translation while texting.
On top of this, Rob adds that we all have cognitive biases and distortions that factor into how you send or read a message (i.e. distortions like confirmation bias or the Halo effect).
Given that our biases are kind of unavoidable, is there a way we can bridge this gap in texting communication? Rob says that developing emotional regulation is essential, and explains why.
(33:45) It’s an extraordinary life if you don’t overthink it.
Since he ties love and practicing self love so closely to happiness, Rob states that we should be slowing down and finding more joy in the day-to-day moments. One way to do this is to practice emotional regulation – i.e. learning how to just chill out for the sake of chilling out, and enjoying it.
Secondly, identify the specific things or activities that allow you to feel inspired, relaxed, happy, joyful or just peaceful. One of Rob’s biggest examples is music, since “music is one of the fastest ways to shift your emotion. And your mood is a state that exists out there in the world. So just listen to some music, and notice how quickly your mood shifts according to the kind of music you’re listening to.”
If we continue to take the time to improve our inner world, as Rob has shown us, your dating life is bound to follow.
(40:35) Loneliness, aloneness, & all oneness.
In Rob’s book “Love from the Inside Out,” there is a chapter titled “loneliness, aloneness, & all oneness.” Rob notes that we tend to think of these words as synonyms, as describing the same experience. But there is actually quite a difference.
Rob defines aloneness as being the objective experience of being by yourself. On the other hand, loneliness is the subjective experience of that feeling (how you feel about that aloneness). Because you can be alone all by yourself, and not be lonely.
So why is it important to make this distinction? Rob expresses, “I want people to recognize that they have a lot more power and control with respect to feeling good and feeling loved, and more control in feeling loved and feeling happy than they might be giving themselves credit for.”
Damona also revisits her own history and experiences with loneliness.
If you liked this interview, you can follow Rob on Instagram @RobMackOfficial.
And be sure to grab your copy of Love from the Inside Out by visiting CoachRobMack.com/books.
DEAR DAMONA (47:10)
Submit your questions on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook and hear our answers live on the show! Here’s what our listeners asked about this week: