Is Bumble Right For You?
For years, Bumble has been one of the most popular apps because it makes daters feel safe and encourages women to take charge of their dating destiny.
However, since Bumble requires women to make the first move, it can cause a lot of anxiety around that initial message.
What do you say?
Should you be funny or ask a question?
What if he doesn’t answer?
Not so cool when the tables are turned is it?
To ease some of that anxiety, Damona gets an inside look at Bumble’s latest updates with Priti Joshi, VP of Strategy and Operations at Bumble.
But first, we have headlines:
DATING DISH (1:26)
(1:30) Halle Berry’s drunken reveal about her relationship history – and what you can learn from it
Halle’s new Instagram series, “Bad and Booshy,” spills some piping hot tea. She’s had quite the roller coaster of romantic partners over the years and reveals that she miiiiggght have a “wrong guy radar.” We’ve all been there, girl.
(6:14) Can algorithms influence what you find attractive?
A new study from the University of Deusto in Spain shows that AI might have more control over attraction than you think. Damona agrees and addst that algorithms may cause daters to lose out on a more diverse dating pool.
BUMBLE-ING THROUGH DATING? (10:24)
Today’s guest is the wonderful Priti Joshi Vice President of Strategy & Operations at Bumble. Priti’s mission at Bumble is pretty straightforward: She wants to end misogyny and promote equality worldwide – and they’re tackling that head on in dating.
Huge and important initiatives aside, Priti’s here to talk to us about how you can optimize your Bumble profile and answer your questions about the platform – because even I have some questions about the latest updates!
(12:30) Priti gives us an in-depth look at the newest dating trends and themes that have spilled over from last year into 2021 and how you can get on board with the newest tips and tricks of dating especially when it comes to using dating apps.
(15:38) Priti reveals how video dating has been a game changer for dating during the pandemic. It is likely to continue to be a staple in the world of dating apps due to its amazing safety benefits.
(17:07) Bumble places a huge emphasis on safety while dating and has tons of fantastic features to make you super comfortable while dating online just like their photo verification features.
(23:05) The functionality of Bumble’s dating app is not just based on swiping. There is a twist! Women are empowered to make the first move in hetero-relationships thus flipping dating norms on their head. Users are also presented with cards that include features such as horoscope details. It also includes information that many users view as most important to them allowing for better understanding between matches.
(29:56) Priti reveals a great formula for engaging in conversation on dating apps to move the match to the next stage. Bumble has the coolest feature called The Bumble Game to help you get to know your matches on a more in-depth & creative level.
(34:49) Like we mentioned earlier, virtual dating is likely the new norm of dating apps. Want to have the perfect first virtual date? Priti talks about stimulation being key to clicking with your match through virtual dates.
(41:08) Beeline is another feature on Bumble that some users have questions about. Have a question about the matches on your Beeline? You’ll want to listen to this!
Bumble is available to download worldwide in the App Store and Google Play, or online at bumble.com. Also visit their content hub, The Buzz (bumble.com/the-buzz), if you’re looking for more expert-driven insights and advice on how to date right now.
DEAR DAMONA (48:24)
- (Alison): I’m getting back into app dating after a brief hiatus, I recreated my profile and totally revamped my pics, etc. I included as much as I could to call out my specific interest in a long term relationship on my profile, but some apps don’t allow for too many words so I could only go into so much detail. I am wondering, once I match with a man, how do I quickly filter out those men who aren’t really looking for what I’m looking for? What are the best questions to ask before even moving to a phone call/video date?
- (Anonymous): I’m writing with a dilemma that is somewhat…unique. Last summer, I met a guy online who seemed like he would be a really great match. We have a ton in common, we have fun together, he makes me laugh, and he’s absolutely crazy about me. The issue is, his penis is small and the sex that we’ve attempted to have (twice) is unsatisfying because of the size. I turned him down because of it (having great sex is VERY important to me) but we still keep in touch and remain good friends. I’ve kept dating, but keep coming back to him in my mind because we really are a great match…outside of the sex issue. Have you had clients in similar boats before? I can’t tell if I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill or if this really is untenable.
THIS EPISODE IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY TEXTNOW
The app solves many major challenges that Damona’s clients face in dating today:
- You can keep your main number private
- You can separate your personal and dating contacts
- Plus, It’s easy to use and FREE.
We are proud to collaborate with an app that empowers modern daters to feel safe and secure. If you want more information, check out Damona’s video on when to give out your number to people you meet on dating apps. Click here!
DATES & MATES DEALS
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keep waiting for the fairy tale, or you can get on board with the new rules of relationships. If you’ve read my advice in the LA Times, then you know, this ain’t your mama’s love advice. This is dates and mates with damona Hoffman. Hello, lovers, I’m your certified Dating Coach damona Hoffman. And this show is presented by text now, my most recommended app to smart daters who want to give out their number two matches, but need a safe way to do it. You can get a free second phone number to use just for dating when you download the text now app. So on a scale of one to 10, how much do you feel like Rapunzel right now, sitting in your house day and night, finding little hobbies to keep you busy while you dream of the outside world and watching your hair grow longer and longer with each passing day. If you can get a haircut where you live, I don’t know. But there is a little Rapunzel in all of us right now while we wait for fresh air and a little freedom and maybe for the perfect match to appear in our lives. But here’s the question. If your perfect match showed up at your doorstep tomorrow, what would you do? Well, for my guest today fashion icon and Bravo TV star Caroline Stanbury, there was no question when her super hot Prince Charming appeared in her life right as locked down happened. They made the decision to move in together and see where their relationship went from there. Kind of wild right? Especially considering she had been married and divorced with three kids. And considering her new man was much younger than she was. Stick around because Caroline will tell us exactly how that love experiment turned out. But first, I need to get you up to speed on these headlines. Should you shoot your shot like lizzo will tell you what’s going down in the DMS and your relationship intentions are written all over your face. We’ll tell you how to avoid a hook up artist. Then in deer Dimona, I’ll answer your questions. We have some juicy ones today. Y’all are going in deep we have should you divorce your husband if he won’t stop smoking pot, and how to date when you’re an American in a foreign city and guys won’t take you seriously. And I’m bringing in my friend Jessica fast who is an international matchmaker to help me out on that question. Oh, that and more. On today’s dates, nights. And now it’s time to dish these
Unknown Speaker 2:39
Well, you’ve heard me say before, but it is true. It is going down in the DMS. It’s funny because I do work with a few celebrity clients. And I’ve I’ve had to tell them like y’all, it’s if you if you like another celebrity, just dm them. You got to be following each other, get up in that dm and see what’s what but I was not coaching lizzo at the time when she sent a drunken dm to Chris Evans. So here’s what she said. It’s actually pretty cute. She sent three emojis, a wind blowing emoji, a woman playing basketball and one of a basketball. And while she didn’t explain her emojis of choice, many believe it was her way saying she was shooting her shot. Clearly that is very clever and very cute. She’s 32 years old. So you know she does the DMS are right. But turns out, she was a little bit tipsy. And she later regretted sending it and said to everyone don’t drink MDM, which I will cosign, do not drink MDM. But for a couple days. She didn’t hear back from Chris Evans. But then recently, she posted her response. And Chris, he like totally upped the ante. Do you remember? By the way, do you remember what happened with Chris in the DMS? Or was it an Instagram story? I know we covered it on the show. There was a little something that slipped out of the cloud with him a couple of months ago, he said to her no shame in the drunk the God knows I’ve done worse on this app. lol facepalm emoji.
I would like to draw attention to the excellent use of emojis in this dm exchange. You’ve heard me say on this show before that emojis are mood my modifiers they can be used as substitutes for words. I prefer to do that as you know someone a little bit better. But this was such a cute way. It’s such a cute opening for lizzo. And she got Chris to follow her back. So it’s not always did maybe something can unfold there. I’m rooting for the two of them. And I think look Chris Chris Evans if you’re listening, just go out with her. Just give her a shot. She’s super talented. She’s awesome. You sleep very clever, and you never know what might unfold. So if you’re, if you’re wondering, definitely shoot your shot in the DMS, just don’t do a trunk. As you are thinking about shooting your shot in the DMS, if you’re on a dating app, there is an excellent way to tell if someone’s intentions are aligned with yours. We got a hold of this interesting study out of macquaire University in Australia, I probably butchered the name of that university. So I apologize to all of my Australian listeners. But you gotta hear what is inside this study. So they took a small sample of men and women around the age of 20, and they photograph them, and then they have them fill out a socio sexuality orientation inventory. What the heck does that mean? I’m glad you asked. It is basically a statement of their openness to casual and committed sexual relationships. Okay, again, I’ll simplify, it’s basically Are you looking for hookups or are you looking for a relationship? And then they showed men and women the pictures of their possible dates and said, can you tell? Is this person looking for a hookup? Or is this person relationship minded? And it turns out, women were really great at telling if a man was just interested in hookups. But men were not so great at reading the opposite. So then they took a step back, and we’re like, okay, is this something about like, Are women just more intuitive? Are women just figuring this out? Or are men particularly bad at this? What if we had AI? Like, what if artificial intelligence machine learning whatever you want to call it these days? What if we had a computer, try to examine the same things and see if they could find a pattern? Guess what? The AI could, at the same rate as women tell if somebody was interested in a hookup or relationship, what, and then they had to say, Okay, then there’s clearly something there’s some signifier here on men’s faces, that’s not necessarily on women’s faces, that tells possible dates, that they are hooked up potential versus relationship potential. And what they concluded is that it’s testosterone. higher levels of testosterone are associated with more masculine looking facial features, you know, like the chiseled jaw, and the cheekbones and all that and also, male typical behavior, sorry, guys, like interest in short term on committed relationships. And because testosterone plays a smaller role in female development, that explains why that information wasn’t necessarily present in the women’s faces. So this is just blowing my mind. And I know there are dating apps. And there are matchmaking companies that use facial recognition software to to kind of map out your prior relationships, you kind of give them your past relationship pictures, and they try to predict who you’ll be attracted to based on similar facial features. But this is totally different. This is telling if somebody is interested in the same things you’re interested in, based on their facial mapping, and I think this is something that we’ll be seeing incorporated into dating apps. And if I can teach you all how to harness this and how to tell what those factors are, I think it will save a lot of people a lot of drama. Those are the headlines for today. If you’re thinking about shooting your shot on the DMZ, you got to get the matches, you got to get the dates and you can read all about how to draw in those possible dates for you to match with. Through my free profile starter kit. You can find plug and play profile templates that can be adapted for any dating app, writing prompts, maybe you get writer’s block you don’t know how to write about yourself. These are the ones that have led to winning profiles for my clients in the past. And there’s a short easy to follow a video guide on how to choose the right profile photos. All of that is available for you for free, for free at dates and mates.com we’ll be back in just a moment with my guest Caroline Stanbury stick around. We’re back and I’m super excited to be here with Caroline Stanbury. She is a fashion icon star of Bravo TV’s ladies in London. And she’s also the host of divorced, not dead a fabulous podcast and she’s an all around fabulous person. I was on her show recently. And then I was like, Oh, my listeners need to hear from Caroline. She has been making headlines all over the world all over her life. And she has been documented in relationships with a lot of famous people. Hugh Grant, Prince Andrew to name a few. But she’s here to talk today about how she found love after a very high profile divorce and during a global lockdown at the same time. All right, please help me give big smooches to my guest, Caroline Stanbury.
Unknown Speaker 9:56
Unknown Speaker 9:57
you for having me. I’m so excited. Oh, thanks.
you for being here. You’re out there living your best life. Where are you in the world right now?
Unknown Speaker 10:08
I’m in Greece. I’m in Athens. I’m actually on my seventh day of quarantine. So it was the first day I was allowed out on my way to the UK.
Oh my gosh, I I dream of being quarantined somewhere as fabulous as that. But it’s interesting as you’re bringing up quarantine because you you’re in kind of a unique position, Caroline, that I think a lot of my listeners are curious about, because you found love in the midst of quarantine. A lot of people know you from ladies of London and know that you recently had a divorce. But you found love again. And fairly quickly, how did it unfold for you?
Unknown Speaker 10:51
I did. I mean, I didn’t find Sergio in my house in quarantine. So let’s put that out there for all of you sitting at home going, Why didn’t your Sergio arrive at the door? That didn’t quite happen? We met before. And what quarantine did for us was sped up the process. Because and I’ve read a lot of stories about this, you know, in quarantine, you kind of you’re in or you’re out, right, you have to get in the house to get out the house. And he was he came to see me. It was the time they were closing all the borders. And he had to make a decision. You know, if he’d left the cup to to Spain and gone home, he wouldn’t have been able to come back see me for at least six to eight months. I mean, even now you can do that you can get I couldn’t have gone there and I can’t go there. You have to be a Spanish Spanish national. So he decided he just said I’m in I’m gonna stay. And you know, where’s they think we were looking beforehand to sort of have our own apartments or houses, you know, he was looking at houses to live in all of this kind of stuff when that happened. You know, obviously, you can’t you couldn’t even get his own apartment, because then I wouldn’t have seen him either, you know, curfew, you weren’t even allowed out. So he moved straight in. And again, so I was put, I made decisions that may be in hot, you know, not hindsight. But in normal life, you wouldn’t have done, you’d have gone, you’d introduce them slowly to your children, you’d say come over, you know, three times a week, maybe you come and stay in the house, you know, all of these things that you think about in ridiculous ways, by the way, and you sort of put parameters on new relationships that was blown out of the water. I didn’t get to do any of that. He just moved straight in.
I imagine that came with a lot of challenges. But yes, what were some of the positives that you think did accelerate the relationship and bring you closer together?
Unknown Speaker 12:41
Well, I mean, everything comes with challenges. But you know, what I’ve understood and learned, I think through this is that if you give people too much time to not question it, but like a lot of people do things like family meetings, they try and make it easier by involved involving everybody and going you know, what do you think? How would How would it make you How would this make you feel better? If if you were involved in it somehow? or How can mommy make this easier on you, rather than just stating the facts like this is happening, and not in a total shocking way, but like this is happening? It’s just not a choice, you know. And I’ve understood that a lot of women sort of pause their happiness in for their family. So I know women who have literally put their whole lives on hold. You know, they don’t see their boyfriends during the week, they only see them on weekends, because they’ve got the kids in the week, you know, how does that work? You know, you can’t really have this amazing connection that I think Sergio and I the positive is that we were thrown into such and by the way, with the age difference, can you imagine, you know, most of his friends are out in nightclubs with, you know, 20 year old girls, he’s at home with three kids in the middle of quarantine who need homeschooling to like if he was going to run that would what would have been the time.
So since you since you brought it up, though. There is there is a bit of an age gap between Yeah, choose you how many years 1818 years.
Unknown Speaker 14:07
So for all human human?
Yeah, it couldn’t be but at the same time, it’s you’ve you’ve managed to, to build a connection with one another. And I’m sure there’s a lot of people listening. Like it’s not that uncommon Caroline for a man to be with a woman who’s who’s you know, 10 or 20 years younger.
Unknown Speaker 14:30
Are you biting me? Every a hotspot? Yes. I mean, what are you talking about? We considered I no one would look at me in LA.
No. You’re just and of course they would but but I’m really curious like what people what you’ve seen and heard as you embarked on this relationship. I imagine that people said different things than they would have said if you were the guy and he was the girl and it was reversed
Unknown Speaker 14:59
100 2% I got so much shit for it. And some of it I find, you know, I find funny and other bits I find really insulting because as you said, I don’t think I look that bad, but I am being treated in a way like I’m some sort of wheelchair grandmother that’s gone to mag aloof and picked up a waiter. You know, literally, you know, those women that go and they the the young boy waiters that want their part English passport. I really know Sergio, as I’ve said before, he played soccer for seven years for Real Madrid, he has a Master’s, he has a degree, he has a choice. He wasn’t he wasn’t destitute and looking for unmarried, you know, a divorce a with three kids.
So how, how did it work? How were you able to find common ground and, and I mean, I don’t I it’s probably hard to speak for him, but, but stepping into this role where suddenly like he was, he was at a time when a lot of his friends were out clubbing. And now he’s sort of in this pseudo step parenting role, temporarily until
Unknown Speaker 16:09
I get a little bit more, but he’s done a few podcasts on this, because I think women are fast. I think in the beginning, women used to think, you know, I know the gossip was that I sort of somehow tied him down and he was unable to leave. And, you know, it was all me sort of latching on to this, this poor boy. And but it’s just not so. You know, really not. So it’s the other way around. Like he’s desperate for all the steps that I’m not particularly desperate to do, you know, that I’ve done before. Like, he would like to have a family he would like to get married. I you know, they’re all great things, but they’re not things that are way on my priority list right now. And so, for him stepping into it. It’s been it’s been really challenging, because obviously, some of the kids resisted it. Some, you know, we had a few ups and downs, but they all love him. He was so persistent. And I think he never took it to heart each day was a new day. So you know, you could have my son could be hideous to him. And then the next day, he would wake up he never had, he never held it against them. He never brought it up again. You know, each day was fresh for him. He never he doesn’t do that with me either. By the way, he’s just not that guy. And so you know, the children just really just, they just love him now. Why is he like this? I don’t know. I think I found a unicorn. But the only thing I can put it down to was I think playing soccer for such a long time as a child, you know, might you’ve got to remember he was only it was in the under 20. But he traveled from the age of you know, he started at 15 professionally been playing since the age of six. And I think he traveled so much by himself. And grew up so quickly. And not to mention you definitely did the girls thing. I think he bonked his brains out all the way through that got bored of it. You know, he traveled and I think I sort of signifies stability in a home to him. I don’t know, I can’t tell you. But I mean, I all I can tell you is it’s not it’s not not real. He’s you know, you can’t live the way we do in each other’s pockets for 24 hours a day, for just over two years now. You know, it’s real.
You mentioned that you weren’t so much looking for marriage again, kids again. I saw on social media that you two have gotten engaged. Congratulations. Thank you. How did you wrap your head around that? Considering that wasn’t what you were thinking of? Before you met him? Certainly. And coming out of a very long marriage to go into the idea of marriage again, how did you come to terms with that?
Unknown Speaker 18:51
Obviously, when he asked me, I didn’t know it was coming. I mean, I knew he wanted to, but I wasn’t prepared for it. And you know, when you talk about things, it’s all like a bit like a fairy tale, isn’t it until you’re really faced with face to it with the question, and then I was like, oh, holy shit, here we go. And you know, and then I just thought, I’ve taken the complexity out of life, which is all the things that I’ve told that I can’t do and shouldn’t do. And you know, society tells you isn’t possible, right? So a young guy like this, can’t fall in love with a 43 year old woman, you can’t get marriages. Marriage is something that has to be forever and it’s so binding and it’s so scary. I took all that away because you know, when I talk about it with Sergio, I just came up took the scary out. And the scary for me, I think or most people is what is the worst I always think what’s the worst case scenario, okay, well, the worst case scenarios we get divorced in five years, right? Worst case. I’ve had a great five years who gives a shit. So what we decided to do was I decided and we talked about it, we’d have a amazing prenup like what is mine is mine now and what is his is his now and anything We might together as a team, we split and then you know, what was it matter, then it’s just then it becomes a party. It’s a party and a promise to each other, right? That we’re going to stay in, he really needs it, and wants it as a young man who’s going into that chapter of his life. He wants to feel he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. He’s sick of being called my toy boy. He wants to be my husband. And that’s it. So you know, why wouldn’t I do it?
It certainly changes the conversation for a lot of people. But ultimately, I’m sure you’re doing it for you and for him, as Yeah. You mentioned your podcast, it’s divorced, not dead. A lot of our listeners are probably coming into this from having been divorced, and maybe thinking I never want to get married again. I never want to I don’t know how to date again. What advice do you have for them, as they may be embarking on this journey and seeing where you are right now and not knowing the road to get there themselves?
Unknown Speaker 21:03
Well, I think it’s that attitude, we need to change I never to like, you know, getting excited again. Like, you know, okay, that chapter closed. And that’s what I always say, no matter what, and they got nasty at times with my ex husband, but in general, every time he got nasty, I backed off, and vice versa, you know, and we just let each other Calm down, and then we get to a place of good again, right? So when you realize that,
Unknown Speaker 21:31
Unknown Speaker 21:33
you are going to do these things again, you know, the only reason the only person stopping you from doing all these things, again, is you and your mindset if you have a mindset where anything is possible. And you know that Oh, that guy’s you know, just down the road, you know that my new husband is going to be down the road. Like I see myself as starting my whole life again, it’s crazy. I’m 44 years old, and I’m about to relive, I get to do over who gets to do over. I’m going to do everything again. But with hindsight, how amazing is that?
Did you think Caroline at the time when you and Jim got divorced? Did you see yourself falling in love again?
Unknown Speaker 22:13
Well, I you know, I always hoped, you know, I think I was a romantic cuz I was watching the movies, and I wanted that kind of love. But it wasn’t any. I didn’t care either way. And I think that’s I was, so I made peace with being alone. And I was like, because that was one of my main things. Can I be alone? How will I feel in my house on my own, and then I realized, I’m not going to be alone. I’ve got three kids. And then you know, I’m totally fulfilled at work. I love what I do. So then I was like, okay, so I can do this. Nothing’s gonna change for me, actually. Because if you’re not really not in love anymore, you’re not passionate with your partner, then really, you’re roommates anyway. And as it happened, I was moving, you know, I was going away on business, he was coming back then he went away. So it was I was alone. Anyway, nothing really changed for me, except he just wasn’t living there when I got home, which meant that I had more of the TVs myself.
That That does sound glorious quarantine with my husband and two kids this whole time. That That alone space sounds great to me. But I know there’s a lot of people listening who are wanting to move out of that alone space, and maybe just afraid of what that next.
Unknown Speaker 23:33
What does that word fear. And I just literally did a podcast yesterday about fear. Fear is the fear of the unknown. And you know, unless you feel fear and walk into it, nothing amazing happens at young people told me don’t leave my ex husband, the grass is not greener. The grass is pretty green. It really is green. You know, it’s not greener, if you’re going to be a misery guards and sit at home and, you know, not pull your own big girl pants on, right? Some women, they don’t, you know, they go into victim mode. They think the world owes them something that, you know, they don’t want to work. They don’t want to get real. They don’t want it. They just want a cushy life and the man to take care of them. That doesn’t exist anymore. That bubble has burst, right? So you need to to take the fear out and say I have a can do attitude. And if you have a can do attitude. That’s pretty sexy to people, and very sexy to men.
And I also heard you say on a recent episode of your podcast you talked about like the shame and blame that goes with divorce. And I think if we’re going along the progression, like there are the folks that don’t want that lifestyle to change and stay in it for far too long. But then on the other side of it, when it starts when you start to point fingers, I imagine that makes it harder to, to be able to move on and be happy.
Unknown Speaker 25:04
Well, I hate this, it’s like I it really irritates me that you to make people feel better, they have to point a finger at one of you. And they have to pin, you know, blame one of the people for break the breakup, they can’t see how it could have happened over a long period of time or, you know, that no one’s to blame, if you’ve been together as long as you know, we all have no one. And, you know, but it makes other people feel better to go, Oh, it was her fault. She did this, he did that, you know, whatever it is. And I just think Yeah, what do you think that
what about the way that you think of or speak of your acts like you always really treat gem with respect and respect for also the time that you had together? And that it’s not that he’s to blame? It’s not that you were to blame? It’s that it just was no longer working and you grew in different directions
Unknown Speaker 25:58
1,000% and you know, I still no matter how much people want Jim and I to not speak and to be enemies and because they don’t agree with maybe the way I ended it or did it? You know, but I mean, I defy anyone to get it right. Because you’re in you’re knee deep in a shitstorm when you’re in it so you’re just fighting to sort of stay afloat and do it doesn’t come with a handbook. You know, you can’t you can’t possibly you’re sort of floundering because you don’t really know how to do it you don’t want to hurt someone but you’re hurting them you know you don’t you you put one foot in and then you pull back and it’s never right you know then if you’re not if you don’t do it in time you’re partying too much you’re going out of their house too much you know I was guilty all these things so you know there’s there’s no easy way and I it God forbid that you know these people that appointing and doing in my shoes, you know I defy anyone to do it better. There’s there’s nobody comes out of this smelling like roses because it’s just not possible. That’s never a nice thing. But what is the best thing that’s happened and from my you know, from my experiences, which is what I think divorce not dead is shared maybe my mistakes with like when I did one on boundaries and setting the rules earlier on. But Gemini are in a great place. Now. We speak every single day regarding the children. It’s very civil, very nice. Like I asked him about how is works going, you know, if he’s traveling, I’ll say I say I take the kids or you know if I’m traveling now he’s he’s takes the kids every day. It’s never know it’s never Oh, you know, it’s just we just get on with it. So it’s perfect. I you know, my kids tell me if he’s got a girlfriend at home or whatever, you know, but don’t ask me he doesn’t ask about you know, always had dinner with me and Sergio had dinner together.
Unknown Speaker 27:48
How’d that go?
Unknown Speaker 27:49
Yeah. Actually much, but I was super nervous. It was my daughter’s birthday. But it’s really well, and and Jim invited him. Wow,
that and it was great. That’s great that you’ve developed that open line of communication. And I imagine it probably does add another layer Caroline, that you I mean, you are a public figure that a lot of your relationship played out on television, and then at the same time, now on social, it’s not like, like, we’re just such a different time, or you couldn’t, you know, before, you know, I had breakups, where it was like, I never want to see you again and goodbye. And it’s like, well, you can’t do that. Because it’s it’s all out there.
Unknown Speaker 28:37
Yeah, yes, that’s a double edged sword because obviously, like, the bits that I don’t like about the way I’ve handled it, in some respects, is how public and you know, lovey w me and Sergio are everywhere. But on the other hand, doing what I do for a living, that is how I make my money. That mine and Sergio story has become such a thing for people and a brand in a way that I you know, it’s a it’s a I feel terrible for him because I do try and it’s not lost on me. I don’t I do try and put my you know, pretend I’m in his shoes and go God, can you imagine if I he’d run off with a girl that was 20 years younger, not run off. I mean, I’d broken up with him by them, but you know, was with a girl 20 years younger than me, and cavorting all over town. But luckily, really, luckily, he does not follow me. I know that for a fact, because he never brings anything up. So the only time he’s ever brought stuff up is when he said other people have like screenshotted it and sent it to him, which is just always amazing to me. People can’t just mind their own business. They love to stir the shit, especially when they know you’re at a good place. But yeah, that’s the only regret I have because I don’t want to hurt him, but my brand and my image with Sergio now we are a team. And that, unfortunately is social media and, and, and what I’m doing, you know, divorce not dead came because of that.
Yeah, I mean you are just living your life and, and the sharing of your life is part part of part of what you do and it’s all part of your story. So for those of our listeners who are divorced, not dead, and, and wanting to date again wanting to find this kind of relationship, again, any final words of wisdom on what like tangible steps they can take to begin the process of finding love again, especially now that COVID is sort of turning a corner and things are going to be opening up soon. And they, they may not be able to hide behind that. Like that. The fear of like getting out there, it being in the world. It’s it’s going to happen. We talked about foda a few weeks ago fear of dating again. But now that we’re here is advice for the the divorce. Divorced
Unknown Speaker 31:12
my girlfriend, sorry, was telling me this morning. And it’s so true. By the way, just a little story a side note, she was saying that she’s just stopped dating too, because of course with COVID and restrictions, you have to meet at home at her personal home. And she’s like, I can’t bear it. I hate it. I hate bringing people here to date. And she’s right. Awful. What intimate, really too intimate, right? For a first date, you’re inviting someone into your house, they’re expecting something I’m sure too early dating now. Get rid of the get rid of the list, the list is the worst thing you can have. And, you know, try and stop putting parameters on what you would look for. So money because I believe rich or poor. If you’re a power couple you become you become you can become a power couple if you if you’re motivated. And you’re both you know, you both want the same things, you motivate each other. And you can both make money. At the end of the day. Sometimes people are in different parts of their lives. It doesn’t have to define where they are, where they’re going to be for the rest of their lives. Age is but a number as long as it’s legal. I would say you know,
Unknown Speaker 32:24
somebody who is like 80?
Unknown Speaker 32:26
there’s there’s a there’s a limit is there?
Unknown Speaker 32:30
I mean, I’m pretty. I’m at I’m at the limit. I’m at the limit. I don’t think I would have. But we’ve got to remember when I met Sergio, he was 24 He’s 26. You know, like I didn’t know that he lied. He said he was 31. So I wouldn’t I yes. But you know, there you go. I wouldn’t have given his right. He said you wouldn’t have looked at me or given me the chance. And he’s absolutely right. I wouldn’t have given the chance. If you told me on that night that he was 24 years old, I’d gone go home little boy.
So a little a little bit of healthy bending the truth is okay. Well, I mean,
Unknown Speaker 33:08
I don’t know. But I mean, I’m not saying go I wouldn’t even suggest normally going for surgery is literally a unicorn, I don’t know what’s wrong with her. Maybe her wake up at some point. But what I mean is wide in your age bracket. And yes, I agree with you know, like, don’t, don’t, don’t, you know, don’t stifle yourself, religion, all of these things, open yourself up to falling in love with the person because everything else is easy. It really is. It’s finding that person that’s so hard. And then just attitude, you know, stop looking for red flags and look for green flags. That was something I learned was from somebody and I love that look for things positives and people, not negatives. And people. You know, so many times we focus on the wrong things when someone walks through the door and we don’t give them a chance. Like, you know, what they’re wearing their shoes, their watch, you know, we look for things to sort of tell us who the person is, rather than talking to the actual person because again, I’ve learned along the way, you know, lots of men have what I call fixer uppers, we can fix them, you know, they just need the love of a good woman. And
yes, I really Yeah, mine certainly was.
Unknown Speaker 34:18
And then tangible things to do. Well, I still believe in dating apps, I think, you know, some of them are good, like, you know, dating agencies not app so much because I think there’s too much sex, you know, geared to sex but like finding like handpicked ones, which is really what I’m thinking to do. And then, you know, go into things like golf courses, places where you know, men hang out, think about going to places where you could meet people. There’s a little bit out of the way that you you know, like, as I said, going I like adventure holidays, men love adventure holidays, going to the golf course going to a different restaurant. Don’t do you’re not All things you know, make, go out of state, go to a different go to a different bar that you maybe not been to before. I, you know, all of these things, put yourself out there. And always, always, always get dressed and put some makeup on because when you go to the park, or you’re walking your dog, that’s probably where you’re going to meet the guy.
Yes, I, you know, I’ve said that before, like, break up your routine, do something different, you know, like, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results, right. So you have to break it up. I will say I have gotten some heat on the show before when and when I’ve said like, put, you know, make sure that you’re open all the time and that you put your best foot forward. And then people are like, Well, what do you mean like I have to always like, dress dress up like for, you know, demands gays? Which, you know, I don’t necessarily believe that. But I think you you resonate a different energy when you when you put time into feeling yourself,
Unknown Speaker 36:03
right? Sorry. That’s exactly it’s not for the guy. But the moment if you meet the hottest guy, and you feel like shit on the walk, because you’ve just woken up, you haven’t brushed your hair. And you’re in tracksuit with you know so some child you know your child’s vomit on that you are not going to be as open to having this amazing conversation with someone. I’m talking about doing it for you, not for him. You know, I believe and I’ve done some podcasts on this selfish Is The New Black. Because self care being selfish means that everyone if you’re happy, everyone around you is happy. That’s what it means. You know, like if you feel good about yourself, then you can go out and get that job. You can go out and get that man you can go and get you know the life that you want. But if you don’t you become introverted, you know, you won’t take the chart the same chances. If you feel when you get up in the morning like you are a supermodel, then you are a supermodel. That’s absolutely,
absolutely and I love how you phrase that too. Like you have to take some chances sometimes you have to risk but as I can see from your fabulous life, the risk is often worth the reward.
Unknown Speaker 37:13
Well, the biggest risk in life is not taking a risk.
Those are perfect, perfect words to end us on. Thank you so much for being here, Caroline. I hope everyone here is now feeling inspired to get back out there. And
Unknown Speaker 37:27
even if you’re divorced, you are not dead. Definitely check out Caroline’s podcast. Anything else you want to tell our listeners about?
Unknown Speaker 37:35
Unknown Speaker 37:36
Thank you so much for having me. I’ve really enjoyed it was great.
Thank you. I’ll put a link to Caroline’s podcast divorced, not dead in the show notes. Make sure you check out my recent episode of the show. And after this break, I will answer your questions like what to do if your husband can stop smoking, and how to date if you’re an American in Israel. I’m sure there’s like a TV movie to be made about that. But we will do the first act of that right after this.
Unknown Speaker 38:08
Unknown Speaker 38:11
damona helped me
welcome back. The questions have been pouring in. And y’all I appreciate all the detail. They are juicy, juicy questions really deep in depth questions. And I love that you are trusting me with your love life. I love hearing from you. I especially love when you send me the voice memos, because then I can really hear the question in your voice. You’ll hear one of those in a minute. But first we got an email from a listener who says I just listened to the episode with rich jozwiak excellent episode if y’all haven’t heard it, he’s discussion on pot use and how it can impact relationships hit home with me. My husband and I would party together in college and smoke pot. after we got married and had kids I stopped smoking weed because I found it didn’t work well with parenting. I hear you right there, sister. My husband never stopped. And now it’s an issue between us. He stays home with the kids while I’m at work. It really bothers me that he’s high went home alone with the kids. What if there’s an emergency? We’ve talked about it many times. He refuses to stop, he refuses to get help. He refuses to get couples counseling, yet he maintains that he loves me and cares for me and my desires. I want to support him. I took my vows seriously when he’s not high or drunk. He’s amazing. Rich said it’s okay to leave a relationship if philosophies about pot are vastly different. But it’s not that simple. I can’t just walk away from a 10 year relationship with kids help. Wow, this is a very serious situation and you’re really at a relationship crossroads. So I’m not going to sugarcoat this for you. And it’s and what I’m about to say might be hard to hear. But based on what you’ve told me, it sounds like your husband, unfortunately is an addict. He is addicted to drugs. He is you mentioned that he’s Often drunk. This is a real problem in a relationship. And aside from being a problem in the relationship, it’s probably a problem in his life, I see you’re also the breadwinner. So I don’t know if his drug or alcohol abuse has affected his ability to provide for your family. But that is definitely a concern. And he has to get help for this, you’re completely right. And as a parent, I can say, look, parenting is not as not a, as not a half assed situation. And it’s is not done well when you cannot be fully present. And, as a parent, I can say, I would be very concerned if I knew that my husband was always high or drunk with the kids. So you’re not crazy, you’re not wrong about having these concerns. The problem is, you cannot change someone if they don’t want to change themselves. And it sounds like you’ve already brought this up many times. And it needs to be brought to a head in some way for him to take action. So I don’t believe in staying in a relationship because you’ve already invested 10 years or for the kids or for those fleeting moments when he has his old self, and you feel like the way you used to feel when you’re with them. You said he’s great when he’s not high. But if he’s high all the time, then it sounds like he’s not that great right now. And I’ve had this situation with clients before to where they really had to give a boundary. And sometimes the boundary is painful and difficult is is sometimes that boundary is I can’t, I can’t stay, I need to go, I need to take my kids and make sure that they are safe and taken care of. And that is I know, unbelievably difficult. But it might be the boundary that he needs to actually pull it together and change his life. There might be other ways that you can force him to get help for the kids and for you. There might be other people in your life that you can that have a different, that have his ear in a different way that maybe he has a parent who he would listen to or a friend, that would be able to present the option of counseling or the option of
an inpatient or outpatient program. But you can’t live like this anymore. You’ve had many conversations about this. And literally, it is life or death. And literally, your kids future is on the line here. So you have a very difficult choice to make. But you have a choice. And that’s what I just really want to leave you with and remind you, you always have a choice. And even though you might be choosing between two very difficult and very uncomfortable options, you have to do ultimately, what is best for yourself and your kids. So I really hope that he’s able to hear you and that he’s able to get help, at the very least go to couples counseling or go to counseling for himself, because it sounds like he has some pain that he has to process. And, you know, as much as a partner can really help us get our lives on track. It has to come from within. And I wish you a lot of luck in in whatever the next phase is for the two of you. Okay, our next question is a voice memo. This one from Merrill.
Unknown Speaker 43:38
I demona. Good morning. I’m located in Tel Aviv, Israel. And I’m American. Like I said, I’m living in a big city and the dating life here is worse than LA and New York for sure. Not only am I an English speaker speaking a different language, and I’m from America, there’s a lot of cultural differences, like and they don’t take me seriously a lot because I’m an English speaker. I give up very easily when there’s a lot of red flags. When they’re not serious, I tell them straight up how I am. I’m serious. I’m looking for an exclusive relationship. So I want to hear your thoughts on this.
Alright, Merrill, even though you are in Tel Aviv, and and the cultures are a little bit different in different countries. What I would say to you is that there are some universals in dating apps all over the world. And the first thing I would tell you is that not all dating apps are created equal. So there are apps that are more for relationship minded. And there are apps that are more for hookups. Of course, you’ve heard me say on the show before that, it’s also how you use the app. But in general, there are probably more casual relationship people on Tinder. I’m not saying it’s the hookup app and everybody there is looking for a hookup. I’m just saying you might have to work a little bit harder to filter because the barrier for entry is so low So I think you need to maybe try a different app. I actually called my friend Jessica FASS, who is a matchmaker who works in Los Angeles. And in Israel, she matches people internationally and within each of those cities, and she gave me some tips,
you have to really streamline your profile, and your screening and filtering process to make sure that you get the right possible options in your dating pool. And that you’re not wasting a lot of time with time wasters. So first, you got to say up front, in your profile, seeking a relationship. And I know, it can be a little anxiety producing tip just put it out there and feel like, well, what if I scare somebody away, because they’re not interested in that. But you have to remember that if they’re not interested in that, and they’ve been scared away. That’s actually the goal. You only want the people who are not scared of being in a relationship, because that is what your goal is. The other thing I would say, is to make sure that you’re doing a tight screening process. Don’t get caught up in the texting trap, sending messages back and forth. Don’t do not engage with them after 10pm. Remember, like, they’re like Gremlins, you know, like, nothing good. Happens After 10pm. So don’t feed them after. After that, like, Don’t feed the messages, don’t feed them dates. In the early phase, no same day dates. Like that’s usually when short term dating thinking is demonstrated, like, Hey, you available now. Yeah, you’re not available now, because you’re a relationship minded woman, and you have plans for the future, and you have plans for the week, okay. So always schedule your dates with at least 24 hours out. And really be clear like, don’t be afraid to share upfront what your relationship goals are even on on the dates. And I think if you go back and you look at patterns, this is one of my favorite things to do to really like, look at the commonality between the matches that you’ve had. And like look at their profiles, again, if you’re still match with them, and see if you can identify any commonalities. Maybe it’s the masculine facial features you can look for. Or maybe it’s something it’s certain key words that you see repeated in their profiles, or styles of photos, try to find the pattern. And then you can apply it in dating the next time on the app or on your, your different app that you end up trying out and see if you see any of those symbols or signs again, and I almost challenge you to just just test it out and see if you’re right about that being a signifier. Because there’s always there’s always a path, there’s always a, there’s always a signal, the challenge is being attuned to actually look out for it and recognize it when it comes up and then to behave accordingly. To know that if that person chose themselves to not be reliable, or to not be relationship minded, that it’s okay to let that possible connection go. And that doesn’t mean that you’re going to be single forever, it means that you’re not going to waste time with the wrong people because you know, you say that you get and kind of exhausted with it. And that is the exact thing that leads to exhaustion, investing time and energy into the wrong people. I hope you have enjoyed Episode 358 of dates and maids Don’t forget, we will put the link to all of the dating stories in the show notes and you can check out the episode recaps at dates and mates.com. I am add damona Hoffman on all the socials. I’d love to get a DM from you. Yes, you know, I would love to hear what’s on your mind. And I love to get a voice memo especially. And if you need any if you need a little more support and love I invite you to come inside the community of supportive singles that we have built on Patreon patreon.com, slash dates and mates. That’s my friends with benefits club you get weekly live streams with me, you get other exclusive content and you can get in the club for just five email@example.com slash dates and mates. I’ll be back again next week with Priti Joshi. She is an executive at Bumble, who is going to be telling us about data driven tips on how to optimize your Bumble profile for more matches. Until then I wish you happy dating