You are not struggling in dating because of bad luck. You’re struggling because of a story you didn’t know you were following.

Over the years, through thousands of coaching sessions and the DMs and the tears and the breakups and the breakthroughs, some clear patterns started emerging. 

Not just in who people date, but in what they believe about love. And those beliefs, the ones that feel like instincts, like standards, like gut feelings, are usually not even yours. They were downloaded before you ever consciously chose them.

In F the Fairytale, the four most common ones are: the List Myth, the Rules Myth, the Chemistry Myth, and the Soulmate Myth. 

But the myth running your love life? That one is deeply personal. And until you name it, it keeps running the show.

(00:05:30) Your Myth Doesn’t Look Like a Fairytale

That’s what makes it so hard to catch.

Dating myths don’t show up as rom-com fantasies. They show up disguised as wisdom. Things like:

• If it were right, it wouldn’t feel this hard
• I just need to feel the spark
• I always attract unavailable people
• If they wanted to, they would

None of those sound irrational on the surface. But what they’re often doing is protecting you from rejection, from vulnerability, from repeating a past hurt. 

The myth usually got created in a moment when something didn’t feel safe. Maybe your parents modeled chaos. Maybe your first love blindsided you. Maybe you were told you were too much or not enough.

So your brain created a rule. And the more you repeated it, the more it became true. And the more it became true, the more you dated from it.

The cost is real. When you date from an unconscious myth, you filter out healthy partners before they’ve had a chance. You mistake anxiety for chemistry. You mistake calm for boring. You chase intensity because it feels familiar, and you don’t even realize you’re doing it.

Once a myth becomes conscious, its power over you starts to break.

(00:09:30) Three Questions That Cut Right to It

These sentence-completion exercises reveal not just what you believe about love, but where that belief came from:

1. If someone really likes me, they will…
2. Relationships fail when…
3. I am the kind of partner who always…

Don’t filter. Just notice what comes up first.

Then ask yourself: where did I learn this? Was it a movie? My parents? A breakup that broke me? A romance novel?

Most love scripts were written before you were old enough to choose them. The question worth sitting with is whether the belief you’re holding is helping you create the relationship you want, or protecting you from something that already happened a long time ago.

(00:13:30) Preferences Are Not Pillars

Once you’ve named the myth, you need something solid to replace it with.

Relationship pillars are not preferences. They are not height, income, or a sense of humor. They are the structural foundations of a partnership that make you feel safe, expanded, and fully yourself.

The four pillars from F the Fairytale are shared goals, shared values, clear communication, and trust. But there’s no right number and no right list.

You might also need:

• Spiritual or religious alignment
• Shared ambition
• Playfulness
• Accountability

The point is knowing what yours are before you’re standing in front of someone trying to figure it out in real time. Because when you’re in it, it’s a lot harder to see clearly.

via GIPHY

(00:17:00) Stop Picturing a Person. Start Feeling a Feeling.

When you imagine your future partner, what are you actually seeing?

A face? A job? A height? Those things might surprise you. The packaging often does.

But that feeling of being safe enough to expand. Of being seen. Of not having to shrink or perform or earn your place. That feeling won’t surprise you if you’re actually aligned. You’ll recognize it.

That is the north star. And that’s what you’re actually looking for, whether you’ve named it that way or not.

SPECIAL UPDATE: This is our 600th episode and this will be the last chapter of nearly 13 years of weekly podcasts.

Though the podcast is ending, Damona’s mission is not. She’s turning her attention to help a broader range of people with relationships and communication by consulting at media and technology companies as well as offering keynotes at corporate off-sites, affinity groups, colleges, retreats, and more.

If you know of a company or group who would benefit from Damona’s expertise contact us.

💌 Got a question about love, dating, or any of the relationships that matter most to you?

Send a DM or voice memo on Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook, or send a voicemail or text to 424-246-6255. It might just be featured in an upcoming Dear Damona segment.

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